#but you know Az is not toxic deep down

[krakensdottir]

Also something really important I want to point out about Aziraphale's religious trauma.

It's often framed as him being directly abused by Heaven, generally emotionally. And while I don't doubt he's been belittled at points - probably not by Gabriel, the iconic exemplar of the Toxic Positivity boss, but we know how Michael and Uriel etc. can be - it also seems like he's received quite a lot of praise and has generally managed to pull off the appearance of being A Good Angel, or at least a satisfactory one. I don't think, and this is controversial, but I don't think Heaven was usually overtly hard on him.

Because that's not how this kind of cult mentality usually operates. Instead, it teaches you to abuse yourself. Your overseers don't have to directly hurt or insult you if you're so ingrained with fear of failure by the culture you were brought up in that you constantly question yourself as not good enough.

It's not as... satisfying, I guess? As an external abuser being the main issue. But it's a lot more real. At least to me, because I suffered so much anxiety over being 'good' when I was a kid, and it wasn't from direct abuse. It was absorbed from the culture I was surrounded by. I picked it up by osmosis from society at large, and it tormented me. I worried, I doubted, there was a time I literally feared going to Hell. And I wasn't raised strongly religious. My mother certainly treated me as a Good Kid, and never gave even the suggestion that I wasn't. But I felt that way anyway. And it tore me apart. Because internalizing that shit makes it so much harder to fight.

And to be clear at this point, I am not saying Heaven isn't abusive. I just think the nature of its abuse is more subtle and insidious than it's often given credit for. And - this is even harder to accept, but it's true, and it's important - it's not just abusive to Az. All the angels are victims of it. Yes, even Gabriel. The moment he, one of the most powerful forces in Heaven, steps out of line, we see that no one is exempt. Never even mind Muriel, who is literally on the lowest rung of the Heavenly ladder and has probably never been told they're worth anything beyond being, you know, an angel, so at least you're better than humans and demons.

It's a contrast with Crowley, who has long since accepted most (not all, there are definitely some deep issues remaining, but they're nothing like Aziraphale's) of his internal doubts and struggles. His fears are almost entirely external. He doesn't beat himself up if he fucks up. He doesn't have to. There are people happy to beat him up for him. So when things go really bad for him, his instinct is to run. To get out of the way of harm as much as possible.

The fact that Aziraphale is harder on himself than anyone else could be is a vital part of his character. He self-punishes. He self-criticizes. He feels awful every time he breaks the rules in the slightest, even though he isn't usually caught at it. Crowley can find some safety in solitude if he keeps his wits sharp and his head down. Aziraphale can't, because he carries Heaven's conditioning with him at all times. He doesn't need oversight, it doesn't take external threats to keep him in line. You don't need direct threats when literally everyone in your celestial workplace has seen firsthand the consequences of rebellion.

I don't know if I'm making sense here. Again, this is informed by personal experience and I can't claim to be unbiased. But I see so much internalization with Aziraphale. He literally can't even accept praise without being nervous as hell, and I don't think it's fear of punishment or ridicule that's his primary motivation. He simply cannot ever be good enough for himself.

That's how they get you.

Anyway, I think it's why his reaction to disaster is the opposite to Crowley's, why he feels he has to turn and face it and somehow avert the horror (or, alternatively, find some way to reconcile it in his head and accept it - because let's be real, that's often what happens) rather than get himself away. He's less afraid of failing his superiors than he is of failing himself. And God, who is, objectively, the biggest abuser in the entire story.

#go s2 spoilers #good omens meta #aziraphale #this internalized stuff hurts so much #and it's SO much harder to shake than other forms of trauma #breaking free from heaven isn't just not easy - it's impossible until he finally accepts that HE isn't a failure for not fixing everything #and that's the part of him that crowley can't wrap his head around #tl;dr heaven's culture is abusive to all its angels and they manifest it in different ways #and aziraphale takes it harder than any other we've seen

[oliviajdjarin]

Azriel Shadowsinger: Young God

Pairing: Azriel x fem!reader (afab; she/her)

Request: “Okay I’m annoying you with these now hehe sorry. But I have another idea/request. You know how in angst Azriel x reader oneshots it’s always the reader who’s in love with Azriel and he’s in a relationship? How about we switch that and make it so Azriel is in love with an unavailable reader?” @aroseinvelaris

Excerpt: “He looked up at you like a boy, a little boy, who had been pushed too far. And yet, at the same time, the Azriel who quickened your heart with only a glance was still there, giving his face and body the look of what you could only describe as a young, bleeding god. Covered in sweat and tears and blood, his hair soaked with the same alloy, he was a fallen angel, begging for mercy.

His eyes said to you make it stop. Please, make it end.

“Az,” you whispered, and he fell into your arms.

Your brain instantly tore you in half. You had never felt so overjoyed and crestfallen in the same moment.”

Warnings: illyrian!reader, jealous!azriel (so yummy), idiots in love, reader has sex with someone else, heavy swearing, kind of toxic reader and az, drinking, mating bond, punching bags, blood, kissing, and our lord of bloodshed and high lord make an appearance.

Word Count: 3.7k 

A/N: I have been sitting on this request forever, and I feel I am finally capable of doing it justice. I hope you enjoy @aroseinvelaris, thank you again for your request.

A/N 2: I’m a lot a little rusty with acotar vernacular and Azriel descriptions. so please be kind. This is also incredibly not canon.

SJM Masterlist 

If you would like to leave a like, comment, ask, or reblog, it would be much appreciated :)

The last thing you wanted to do in the infamous, disreputable Windhaven War-Camp was drink, but with the presence of its current war lord, you were really fucking tempted to.

You could hear his remarks from a multiple tables away. 

 Training females, a waste of resources if you ask me.

What the fuck else does Rhysand expect of us? To put bitches in our camps? On our front lines?

Rhysand’s dogs wish they could prove what we do to with them after their training.

He was a cocksucking pig, and that was enough of an excuse for you to bring a cup of wine to your lips and practically guzzle it down.

“You hear him too?” said the Lord of Bloodshed to your right, or as you knew him, just Cass.

You nodded, taking another sip despite the sour grapes coating your tongue, and his leathers squeaked as he leaned forward on his chair. He was gripping his own glass like a sailor dangling over a hull.

“Mother help me,” he replied.

“Mother help us all,” you countered, and Cassian chuckled.

“And Rhysand most of all,” he replied, gesturing across the crowded dining area.

Rhys was elbows-deep in documents, going over how exactly Windhaven was functioning under his rule with the other war lords. You didn’t blame him. With Ironcrest continuing to defame him and grip onto their dissent, Rhysand couldn’t afford to lose anyone else.

He would never admit that, of course, but after over a century of spying for him, you had your ways of reading him; shoulders tight, back hunched, eyebrows creased, and chin resting on his palm. Yeah, he was a bit stressed out.

If only you could read another Illyrian in the room’s body language so well.

You and Cassian sat and drank for some time, grateful Rhys trusted you to be his backup but simultaneously regretting ever joining him in the first place, before the rest of your backup arrived.

You begged your heart not to quicken. The alcohol was already fucking with your head enough.

Azriel sat in the seat to your left, his distinct musk of cool air, leather, and shadows breezing by you as he did, and poured himself a glass of his own.

“Notice anything?” Cassian asked him as he poured, well aware that your heart was in fact quickening, but Az shook his head.

“Nothing out of the ordinary.”

You nodded as he sipped his drink, leaning back into his chair. His wings and chest widened, giving your peripheral vision the perfect angle of his leathers. Him and Cassian had gone all out - adorned with every dagger, cuirass, pauldron, and gauntlet you could think of, in addition to their shimmering siphons bouncing off every metallic object in the hall. You blended in with them as best as you could.

Except, of course, the fact that you were a female.

Az’s voice ripped you from your thoughts. “I would feel more confident if Y/N did my route over again after dinner is served. Would you be okay with that?” 

You nodded without looking at him, and were surrounded by silence once more.

The three of you continued to keep your eyes open, scanning the room for any sudden movements, suspicious glances, or unnecessary walks towards your High Lord. Your body besieged you to get up and get away from the male beside you. Escape the nervous energy he always seemed to coat you with made especially worse given the fact that you were surrounded and outnumbered by enemies, made your fight-flight-or-freeze response ache with strain.

The alcohol wasn’t helping the feeling at all. You needed something else. Right then and right there to make your heart pound and sweat pour from your pores.

With one glance to your right, you spotted your solution.

“Is that who I think it is?” Cassian asked, following your line of sight, and you grinned.

Ozia. A name perfect for his image in your mind.

Azriel followed your gaze as well, his spine straightening and his eyes squinting, and looked back to you with a look that could only be described as a mix of puzzled and panicked.

The male’s hazel eyes met yours across the hall, and in that moment, you knew exactly where your night was going to end.

The male was tall and chiseled, skin tanned and freckled, and his hair was brown and curly. It hung over his eyes slightly, etching his curved nose and pouted lips perfectly. He was quiet, reserved, but one of the few Ilyrian males you had ever found yourself able to trust. You had met him the last time you had visited Devlon, enforcing Rhysand’s rule of training before chores with an iron fist, and Ozia had backed you up completely. He explained that he had even started taking the females back to his home to teach them proper stretching and breathing techniques, and his support made your trip infinitely easier.

Maybe that was the reason you had ended up in his bed, or maybe it was because of his borderline piercing resemblance to the male on your left. Either way, Cassian had never teased you as relentlessly as he had the day he had found out - you still had no fucking idea how - and with the look in his eye as his gaze bounced between you, Ozia, and Az, he was not going to let this one go either.

Not a morsel of you cared. It was infinitely better than sitting in the want of a male you could never have.

You finished off your wine before standing up, scraping your wooded chair against the floor as you did. Azriel looked up at you and, likely having put the two pieces together, asked, “What about dinner?”

Your excitement to escape him caused you to overlook the venom in his tone.

“I’m not hungry,” you responded, and made your way towards the male you knew, and away from the one you wish you did.

                                                          ~*~

Azriel willed himself to remember a word of what Cassian had said to him from the moment you left to the moment he finally made his escape, but as he trekked up the creaky, circular stairs to his dust-ridden bedroom for the evening, he could not recall a single word.

Not after the look in your eyes as you looked at the male across the room, the grin tracing your teeth as you eyed him, and the way your hips moved as you walked to him. Not after Azriel could not eat more than a few bites of the chicken soup provided for them without becoming queasy at the thought of what that male - Ozia - was doing to you, what you were doing to him. Not after the blow to his heart after waiting for you to walk his route with him, as you had agreed to, and you never showing. 

And especially not now, as he prepared himself for the necessity of passing your room in order to get to his own.

With the alcohol muddling his mind and the exhaustion in his muscles from one of the longest days he had experienced in recent memory, he thought he could pass it by without a second thought. He was in the clear at the top of the steps, throat closing and head pounding, but as he made his way past your door, his hope dissolved like a sugar in tea.

He didn’t hear you, or him, or have any proof that you were together in your room in any way...

... except for the smell of it.

He had never hated anything more..

The smell of you - you - that he had gotten to know so well. Vanilla and green tea with just a hint of rose, a mixture true to who you were at your core, mixed with the smell of someone else. It was sex and sweat and spit and sheets and you so much of you and so much of him.

It was acrid, pungent, and so fucking heart shattering that he had to put his hand to his chest to ensure his heart was still beating.

He wanted to keel over in pain, rip his heart out of his chest, shatter every window in the cabin, and rip you away from him all in the same moment.

But he just kept on walking, ignoring the tether in his chest pulling him back to you more than anything else.

                                                       ~*~

If Azriel thought that night was long, he was not ready for the morning after.

At breakfast, you reeked of him, yet the smile on your face was what burned Azriel to a crisp. As the four of you traveled home, you and Cass snuck glances at each other like two females who knew something Azriel didn’t. When you finally reached the House of Wind, you immediately went up to bed, mumbling something about how you hadn’t managed to get much sleep anyway.

He hadn’t either.

As you headed upstairs, Azriel headed down, vibrating with an energy he could not describe. All he knew was that he wanted it off of him. He needed everything he was feeling inside of him off and away it was cutting him so deeply - 

“Hey,” came a voice, the arm attached to it finding its place on Azriel’s shoulder. He turned, startled to finally feel his body after living solely in his head, and was met with violet.

“What’s going on?” Rhys asked, and Azriel softened a bit from the look of concern in his eyes.

After centuries of having brothers - real brothers - he still wasn’t used to being loved.

“I’m fine,” Azriel replied, and Rhys raised his eyebrows. “Honestly, I am. Just overtired, and sick of Illyrians.”

As if on cue, Cassian walked through the house with a dagger in one hand and an even bigger bottle of liquor in the other, likely headed upstairs to bring said items up to his mate.

He turned to look at his observers as he made his way up, exclaiming proudly, “I picked the dagger out myself.”

Rhys and Az looked at each other after he reached the top, and Rhys chuckled, patting Azriel on the shoulder. “You and me both, brother.”

                                                     ~*~

 Azriel couldn’t remember how many punching bags he’d sent flying across the training room’s floor. He didn’t fucking care.

All he knew was that the feeling inside of him was not stopping.

He had done pushups until he collapsed, a plank until he dropped, crunches until he puked, and now he was punching the bags without any wrapping protecting the skin of his hands. He would take anything else - anything else - in place of this anguish. He could still smell it, couldn’t stop picturing it, and every time his brain seemed to release him from the torture of its vividity, it would snap back in almost instantly like a punch to his stomach.

He’d been hit many times, but nothing that felt like this. It was a feral, dirty, venomous beast inside of him tearing him apart with its nails and teeth. His arms were jelly, his hands were spilling clumps of blood, but it still wasn’t enough. The beast was relentless, beating Azriel no matter what he did.

His chest ached so badly. The thought of you kissing Ozia.

Punch.

Tasting him. 

Punch. 

Feeling him.

Punch.

Laughing with him.

Punch.

Smiling at him. Enough to crinkle your irises. While Azriel waited for you.

Punch.

And possibly even loving him.

A punch, a crack, and a scream echoed through the chamber, and Azriel smiled with victory as his body finally gave out on him.

                                                          ~*~

You woke covered in sweat, an unidentifiable scream echoing through your mind like a stone in an empty cave, and a searing pain etching its way down your right hand. Tears coated your eyes as you sat up, hissing as the throbbing made it down to your fingertips.

The scream continued to reverberate all the while.

“Fuck,” you whispered, your hand laying limp by your side. You felt stupid for crying. You had broken your hand before.

But your hand wasn’t broken.

You attempted to wiggle it around, flexing your fingers and widening your grip, and the pain slowly faded to a dull ache. You wiped your eyes as you pushed down onto the mattress with it, attempting to gauge how harsh the pain was engrained your bones.

The searing sensation returned.

“Fuck,” you whispered again, and scooted off the bed and onto your feet. The sun had begun to rise outside your window, illuminating you with gold as you walked into the hall and down to the kitchen. 

Your mind muddled with pain and sleep so harshly that you relied on your body to navigate for you, allowing it to think for you. You didn’t even know why you were going to the kitchen. You just needed to move the rest of your body to distract you from your hanging hand.

As you blinked the sleep out of your eyes, you realized that, instead of the kitchen, your body had begun to take you down further. 

“What the fuck am I doing?” you questioned, but still walked down, down, down.

Maybe your body was telling you that some training would do you good. Maybe your hand was just stiff and sore, and needed renewed blood flow. You had been skipping out on your morning routine due to your guard duty. Maybe your body was itching for it back.

You yawned, whispering, “Whatever.”

You began rolling your shoulders as your feet hit the ground, warming up your back and neck. You rubbed your eyes one last time with your left hand, allowing your still aching right one to remain hanging at your side, while simultaneously becoming overwhelmed with the scent of sweat, rubber, and blood. For a second, you smiled, content with the feeling of walking into a space you knew so well - that knew you so well. You were excited, your adrenal gland suddenly pumping you with adrenaline and dopamine.

You were home.

That euphoric pairing was suddenly doused with cortisol as you turned towards the punching bags, only to be met with nearly a dozen lying flat, and a mass of dark wings kneeling on the hard ground.

A mass of dark wings that you could recognize with only the sound of them.

“Azriel,” you whispered, watching as he breathed heavily, clutching his bleeding hand. He was surrounded by small sprays of crimson blood and clear sweat, painting the floor a muted color. His expression was...pained, haunted.

It was his right hand he was clutching.

“Azriel,” you said again, a bit louder that time, and picked up your stride. He hinted at no recognition.

Your own pained hand was long forgotten.

You reached him quickly, kneeling down beside him and touching his shoulders gently. You turned him to look at you, tempted to finally understand the exact feeling of his face slightly stubbled, but his head remained low.

“Azriel, what the fu -” you began, but were unable to form another syllable when his golden eyes connected with yours.

He looked up at you like a boy, a little boy, who had been pushed too far. And yet, at the same time, the Azriel who quickened your heart with only a glance was still there, giving his face and body the look of what you could only describe as a young, bleeding god. Covered in sweat and tears and blood, his hair soaked with the same alloy, he was a fallen angel, begging for mercy.

His eyes said to you make it stop. Please, make it end.

“Az,” you whispered, and he fell into your arms.

Your brain instantly tore you in half. You had never felt so overjoyed and crestfallen in the same moment.

His face was pressed against your collarbone as he began to weep, and his arms wrapped around your waist. He was timid at first, waiting for you to push him away, but you didn’t. Your body molded him to you, pressing him against you and holding him like glass. He was shaking, sweating, and bleeding all over you, enough that blood dripping from his mouth had begun to soak through your shirt. You closed your eyes and held him impossibly closer, and brought your still throbbing hand up to the back of his neck.

Every part of his body that you could feel was warm - too warm.

“Azriel,” you whispered, your voice suddenly cracking at the effort to speak, “what happened?”

He said nothing.

“Why are you down here, Azriel?” you asked, beginning to rub your fingers along the top of his spine. “Tell me why.”

He inhaled shakily, his hot breath mixing with the heat of his blood still staining you, and tried to speak. Nothing escaped besides another quiet sob.

This Spymaster, Illyrian warrior, the strongest there had ever been, was shattering in your arms.

“Please just tell me,” you whispered again. It was your own way of begging him to get up again, be the male who never cracked, never crumbled. He was a rock - he was always a rock - and seeing him like this was scaring the living shit out of you.

He had to have caught on, because after a few shaky breaths, he whispered quietly enough for only you to hear. “Because I can still smell him on you.”

Your eyes widened, and a copper taste coated your tongue.

“You...” you whimpered, “you smell him?”

Suddenly Azriel pushed himself off you and looked at you with something other than pain and hurt.

It was...you didn’t know what it was.

“Yes,” he replied, his bloodied, broken hand trembling, “that’s all I can fucking smell and see. I can’t stop it. No matter what I do, I can’t stop it.”

You recalled Rhysand’s words from the past, about Feyre.

When I would feel her on Tamlin, he said, it was all I could see. I couldn’t stop it.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” Azriel continued, “my chest...it hurts.”

It was all in my chest, Rhysand had said, the pain was, at least, The rest was somewhere deeper, like it was engrained in me. The wrongness of it was inside of me.

“It’s inside of me, Y/N.” Azriel’s mouth was dripping blood now, adding to the mural he had painted on the floor, “I don’t...your hand?”

You looked down at your limp one, and back up at him.

“You...you felt it?” he asked, referring to the shattering of his own bones.

You nodded, tears streaming down your cheeks, but from something other than pain. Your voice was breathy and perfumed with triumph as you traced the pattern in both Az and Rhys’s words. “Yes.”

Azriel’s defeated eyes suddenly lit with curiosity. “How...how is that possi -” 

“The pain’s right here, isn’t it?” you interrupted him, putting your left hand on the area right beneath your breasts. “Right here?”

You moved your hand to the same area on his chest, and he nodded. 

“It burns, doesn’t it?”

“Everywhere,” he agreed.

You nodded. “It’s deep, like in your bones it feels -”

“- wrong.” He completed your sentence for you.

You smiled, big enough to wrinkle your irises, and kissed him.

He was bloody and hot, but you kissed him anyway, hard enough for drops of it to begin to drip down your lips as well.

You pulled away and took his injured hand in yours. “Why do you think I was with Ozia in the first place?”

Azriel’s voice was quiet and unsure. “I... I don’t know.”

“Because he was as close to you as I could get,” you said with a chuckle. “I thought, after a century, there was no hope. That the Cauldron destined you for someone else. I figured, if I couldn’t have you, I would drown the grief in someone who I could pretend was you.”

His eyes widened, and he licked his bloodied lips before asking, “Did it work?”

You chuckled back and kissed his cheek. “Not even close.”

With your lips still buzzing, he pulled you in for another kiss, and finally - finally - the cracks in your chest bloomed into a bond. It was soothing, spreading itself over all the wounds that remained open from a century of festering, and replaced them with a garden of roses. The feeling stretched itself around your body, wrapping you in a cocoon of solace. You had been carrying the ache of an untethered line in your body, and it had finally found its dock.

He kissed you softly, holding back enough to prove to you of his uncertainty, before you pulled away and mumbled, “I feel it too.”

He swallowed and smiled, enough to crinkle the skin around his eyes and accentuate his dimples. With his blood still dripping from both of your mouths, he said with full confidence, “You’re my mate.”

You wiped the blood from his chin and brushed back the strands of hair sticking to his forehead as you replied, “And you are mine.”

With eyes only filled with love, Azriel said, “So that’s why I wanted to tear his jaw off.”

You smiled and pressed your foreheads together, rubbing your thumb along his cheekbone. Your shattered hands were placed on top of each other on the ground.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” you said to him. “I thought the pain I felt was merely jealousy, and I was with Ozia to escape from it. If I knew you were experiencing it too, or if I was honest from the beginning, you never would have gotten hurt.”

You leaned back to look him in the eye as you said, “I am sorry I hurt you. I am sorry I left you to do the route alone. I am sorry for all of it.”

He only smiled. “I had every opportunity to be honest too, and I didn’t take it. This isn’t your fault.’

You nodded, but he kissed you again. “This isn’t your fault.”

 You kissed him back, showing him you believed him through your tongue and teeth.

You had dreamed of this moment, internalized every spat of poetry Rhysand and Cassian had iterated about the feeling of it, but nothing could have prepared you to know the feeling of being honestly, rawfully, and purely loved.

 Taglist (if you’d like to be added please let me know!)

@leahkenobi  @notquitehero @lovelyladymayyy @seraphqueen @em---r @azaideen @katiebellf @llovelydove @tinasbookishlife @xxpeachyxo @evlyncelia @icarusave @forever-paramore28 @peachyxlynch @feyretopia @wingedmiken @moonslattes @hollyismentallyillhelp @esposadomd @redhighlady @bsenpai-blog @buttercake2234 @perssepeony @whor-3-crux @avengerswhre @mystic-sculpture @wolfyland7 @are-y0u-serious-blog @hilism @tooobsessedsstuff @simplysensual @hernameispa @ladylizzieofdarbyshire @i-am-fascinated @seraphimluxe @just-living5 @saphiraprince22 @azsazz​ @thatonespriteobsessedbitch​ @moisyinfluencerstrawberry @bigcreatorwombatdreamer​ 

#Azriel #azriel x oc #azriel x reader #azriel shadowsinger #azriel smut #cassian x reader #rhysand x reader #acotar #acowar #acofs #acomaf #acofas #acotar fanfiction #sarah j maas #tog #crescent city fanfic

[acourtofthought]

Hi! Hru? I hope you had/ having a good day so far<3

I was reading some Elucien scenes (as one does ofc) and I have the genuine belief that Rhys is 100% Elucien Stan... Well maybe I'm a little exaggerating lmao but for real he's so on Lucien team and it shows.

And I feel like is mostly bc he's been in Lucien's place (sort of) and knows how it feels to not have your mate by your side and being completely oblivious (or in Elain's case acting oblivious) about the bond and try to pursue someone else. And one of the reasons he stopped Azriel was this very reason, he didn't want another Feyre/Tamlin situation happen to Lucien.

I know that he brought some valid points about his court safety and wanting to avoid them but those feels like they're just there to stop Azriel and pulling rank was to make him see some sense and get him out of the fog of lust and stupidity as he said it in his pov that make him stop on his track bc Rhys never does that.

Bc if you think about it Rhys wants his family to get to their HEA like he did. He cares about them sm. I mean wouldn't he find a way to help Elain and Azriel to be together bc he knows they would be happy and in love?

But no he knows Az feeling on the matter and he knows him better than anyone else and dare I say better than Az himself? lol

Back to Lucien's case, even tho he has some problems with him for valid reasons he would never wants for anyone to be in this position not unless Elain objects on the matter. And that's the point Elain hasn't rejected nor says anything about accepting it. She only said that she doesn't want a male therefore Azriel is also on the things she doesn't want lmao.

So it seems even Elain is confused and lost as Azriel so ofc they subconsciously seek each other. Bc let's be real if they were in the right head space they wouldn't go as far to kiss while Lucien is in the same house, they wouldn't even chose each other. And let's not forget Azriel is obsessed with mating bond and I wonder if he ever thought about what he would do if he ends up with Elain AND find his mate as well (I mean he thought about Cauldron being wrong to believing he won't get a mate... like dude you clearly have some serious problem😭)

Yeah so we have Rhys as Elucien leader and Nesta as Gwynriel leader and that would result in Rhys and Nesta brotp and that's what I live for haha :D

You bring up such good points. Rhys has often gone about things in the wrong way but outside of that, all he really wants is his loved wants to be happy. He is often willing to sacrifice himself for their happiness. He was willing to sacrifice his own happiness if it meant Feyre could be happy. In ACOWAR, Rhys had no real reason to care for Lucien or consider him an ally as he did in SF yet he still spoke to Lucien's loyalty when Feyre asked if he thought he and Elain matched. Even in ACOFAS, we see that Lucien is still not Rhys's favorite person ever so why in SF would he put Lucien's own happiness above Azriel's, his own brother if he knew Elain was what made him happy? If Rhys was going to allow Feyre to be with Tamlin who wasn't her mate then there's no reason to think he would stand in the way of Elain and Az being together if that's what made them happy UNLESS he knew deep down that they really didn't want one another. I think it is a first love kind of mentality that believes "no one can understand the kind of love we share" and "they just don't get us" where the older you get, you start to realize that our friends and family (the friends and family we love, not the toxic kind) actually can see when someone isn't right for us. Rhys probably went a bit overboard in his reaction but it doesn't change that it's clear to him that his brother was not thinking rationally and he was about to do something for all the wrong reasons. Some readers want to yell and cry about how mean Rhys was but I think what they're forgetting is that Rhys has been Az's brother for over 500 years and if he is coming down with an iron fist, having to pull rank which he RARELY does (Az's own words), it's more than likely there's a good reason for his behavior rather than going the route of thinking he's wrongly standing in the way of two lovers who want to be together.

#anti e/riel #pro lucien vanserra #pro elucien

[azrielgreen]

Hey Az I was wondering if you had any advice on jealousy. Or more “envy” I guess. I know we should write for ourselves and try not to rely on external validation, but I find it so hard. I’m constantly comparing myself to other writers, seeing how many kudos and comments they got, wondering why I don’t measure up. Wondering why certain readers left a super long comment on a certain work and then a short one on mine. I don’t want to be resentful, and I know this feeling is toxic and bred from insecurity. I keep trying to improve and to find new ways to get over this mindset, but nothing seems to be working. I just obsess over why I’m not good enough, why I’m not on rec lists, or why readers stopped commenting when they had previously reacted to every other chapter. It’s embarrassing and pathetic to even type this all out, but I figured you’re the best person to go to with shit like this because you’re so honest. I keep coming to the conclusion that “if I was a better writer then I’d have better statistics, and people would stick with my stories, so I must suck.” I wonder if there is something I’m actually doing wrong technically or if my negative attitude is somehow seeping through the words I write. I don’t know. Maybe I just need therapy. But yes, any tips on how to not see others’ success as my failure?

Thank you so much for even reading this stream of consciousness diary entry. And thank you even more if you respond. xx

Hello lovely. I'm so sorry it took me so long to reply, I've been working my way through these and I wanted to devote a little more time to yours because this is a really common feeling that's rarely discussed.

So, envy and jealously about other writers is, I think, natural given the system used to publish fics (hit counters, kudos, etc...) and also the fact that this fandom is a very loud, wide open space. I've been in very small spaces before, sometimes with five or six people total in the entire ship and that was a very different vibe. I really wish more people get to experience that.

But this fandom and many others are large spaces now and they'll only get bigger so we have this constant comparison, even though not widely acknowledged, of who gets more readers, who gets recced, hits, kudos and comments. It's difficult not to compare, even when you know you shouldn't so what you're feeling is completely valid. External validation for writing can be really important and it's one of the reasons fanfic can be so gratifying, with comments to boost you up along the way.

The thing is, focusing on those elements will only ever harm your self esteem because once you tie your worth to a number, a percentage, literally anything quantifiable and reliant upon people other than yourself, you're doing damage to your mental health and your understanding of what is or isn't "good writing". There are so many beautiful, stunning, fucking life altering stories on AO3 that have a mere handful of kudos and under 100 hits and I don't know why. I don't know what if it's word of mouth, if it's reclists, length, tags, word counts, I have no idea what makes something a "hit", but here's what I do know.

I know that when you don't look at those numbers, when you instead look ahead to your future and where your writing will take you, those numbers really don't mean much. I've had plenty of "flops" and I love them so much, I go back and reread them even after orphaning them and I see that maybe two or three people commented, hardly anyone even read it, but that doesn't matter because I'm already on the next project.

You are good enough. You are so good, you're brilliant. You're unique and you know this too, deep down, otherwise you would never have started writing. What people do or don't respond to is more to do with them and their personal lives than you and your work.

My advice is to never look at other people's specific success numbers and compare. There are only two outcomes of this. Yours will be more and you'll feel good that more people read your work than others - you ego will inflate artificially, it'll be tied to this numerical system. Or, yours will be less and you'll be feel bad that your work wasn't read as much as others was - your sense of worth will shrink, and to remedy this, you'll feel the need to create content that drives up these numbers. This is a toxic spiral, and believe me, I know it very well. I would tell myself, years ago, if I didn't get 25 comments on a new chapter, the chapter was awful. I had the most awful time waiting for comments to hit 25 and I barely even read them.

Give yourself space. Reconnect with your creativity. Fill a journal. Make a playlist. Print out all your good comments and read them and then burn them. Read more, find your inspiration. Be so fucking proud of yourself, love what you make and stay away from those numbers because they make no sense and they never will. Trying to establish self worth from anything less than your own self will always backfire. I know this is super vague, but it's my honest opinion.

More specifically, for you, I want you to know that this feeling is transitional and it'll pass and you're going to look back and think, "Wow, I can't believe I ever cared about that." So hold on, keep going, fuck what anyone else thinks, and make your art, my darling. Good things are coming, I promise.

Az.

💜💜💜

[time-is-standing]

top 10 songs of august

sorry for the long wait, I actually left my job, moved hours away from the capital, moved in with my bf, started working at a new place and it was a lot. so sorry for that. because all of this going on, I didn't really have time to listen to music as much as I did before, so I'll present to you the list of my current favs - not based on the stats. we're going with our hearts today. thanks.

1. Paralellák by Plazúr, Nagy Viktor

this song is by far the first for august & spetember as well. we were so stressed while planning the move and looking for jobs, that I came up with minigames we would play during the more stressful days. one of those were "collect all the Viktors". so we looked through spotify, youtube, the whole internet to gather all the songs Viktor Nagy has collaborated on and we both instantly fell in love with this one. such a great vibe, special, unique song. I said goodbye to my colleagues with the lines "ha görbült a tér, a végtelenben találkozunk" in my head.

2. Sánta Egyensúly by PETOFI

this song. this is a masterpiece. I'm not taking any arguments, this would've been the first if I didn't count in the fact that my bf and I bonded so hard because of that song. this means so much to me. I can't even speak about how close to my heart this song sits. "háromlábú széken sánta az egyensúly. mikor dőlök már el? mikor jön az az egy, aki belém rúg?"

3. Pirkadat by Téveszme

this song actually tells a tiny story from my life, that changed every single thing in my life. there was a friend of mine, who I loved so much, that it was the most toxic thing to ever exist. me (and my issues) made it a hundred times harder to get out of that relationship but I made it out, I'm back to my old self and I'm better than ever. this makes me proud & warms my heart - while making me angry just enough to feel some things and calm down by the end of the song. "érzem nem volt hiába, bármennyire is fáj"

4. Süket füledre talál a vallomásom by PETOFI

this is the biggest masterpiece ever made in history. it's only this low on the list because I've been listening to it for more than 3 years now and I'm still obsessed. experiencing this one live was the most ecstatic feeling in the whole wide world. I screamed every word and somehow still felt like it wasn't loud enough. the singer actually looked right into my eyes and I believe saw all the pain of the world right in there because we shared a few moments together (& that's why I love smaller bands so much, they really love to see the impact they make and connect with people). he actually gave me his just opened beer he took only a few sips out of and I'm still obsessing about it.

5. Pusztulás I by PETOFI, Nagy Viktor

this song... I've said to my bf that I just hate it and cannot find a meaning behind the words on a random tuesday. by the next weekend, this was the only song I've been listening to and I somehow understood it perfectly. every single line has it's own charm & meaning and I'm loving it. (this is also one of the Viktor's that started the whole game)

6. Én már soha többet semmiért nem fogok bocsánatot kérni by Nemecsek

I love this band and don't speak enough about them. I have some other favs but this was the first Nemecsek I've ever listened to. I love how fast this song is, the beats are hyping you up so much while the lyrics are pulling you down to the bottom of a deep dark ocean... yeah, that's hungarian music for you.

7. Harag by Anchorless Bodies

oh, this one. the title means "anger" and as we all know by now, I'm the queen of anger issues. I've stopped seeing my therapist because of the move and I'm curious if any of the methods she showed me will be useful in the future for me. at least I have these songs to get me into a better mindset.

8. Bányák by PETOFI, Kovács Gábor

"lelkem bányájában te vagy a sötétség"

I love how this band mixes poetry with songwriting. this somehow lights my heart on fire. I can't seem to be able to find where exactly, but I'm headed somewhere the exact moment I hear these songs. it's almost like the words give me purpose and motivation, I just need to find where those feelings are leading me.

9. Keserédes by Téveszme

an all time fav! sad, slow, super emotional. I have an unhealthy attachment to this song and I'm always coming back to it whenever I'm in the mood for these songs. actually it's kindof comforting for me, even though it's on the sadder side.

10. Akasszátok fel a királyokat by Counter Clockwise

I don't like it that much anymore but listened to it a whole lot with my bf. it's sadly still real meaningful in our country... I don't wanna get into politics, this page is not for that but some days I'm super scared of what's about to come.

#music #songs #spotify #top 10 songs #my top 10 songs #top 10 songs of the month #august #magyar #hungarian #magyar zene #téveszme #petofi #petofizenekar #kovari gabor #nagy viktor #plazur #anchorless bodies #counter clockwise #nemecsek

[acourtofshadowsandroses]

Cassian and Azriel being protective of their girls is my everything:

Amren being Amren, scolding the bat boys for being romantic fools

Cassian and Az looking at Rhys for back up 😂😂

#elriel #azriel #elain archeron #acomaf #acotar #acowar #elain x azriel #acofas #shadowsinger #acosf spoilers #cassian #nessian #nesta archeron #elriel×nessian #SJM writes territorial fae bastards #if you don't like possessive males refarin from reading her books #but you know Az is not toxic deep down

[cassianandfenrysaremyboyos]

I'm thinking about the Azriel chapter and I'm not gonna lie it's disappointing, this is a character I adore and thought better of and it's not what I imaged him to be. I can't condone his behaviour, but it's also only a tiny snippet of his thoughts and not the whole of who he is. And I have to trust that we're getting this small specific perspective of him for a reason? And I think some of the words Sarah uses are interesting. Like it's interesting how Azriel thinks about how the cauldron chose three sisters, two of them for his brothers but not one for him. And that's where the issue arises with Elain because the entitlement and the idea that he deserves Elain purely because of that is gross. But the idea he has stems from something much deeper. Which is that he wants what they have, he wants the mate, the connection. Rhys and Cassian get to be with their loves. Feyre and Nesta choose them. But the person Az loves (Mor) doesn't choose him and I think he knows will never choose him so he channels that energy towards Elain in an unhealthy way. And I think this behaviour points to Azriels jealousy, yes but moreso his insecurities and fear.

Fear of being left behind, of being left out, of no one ever loving him.

He has deep seated insecuritues that affect his self worth and what he thinks he deserves. The whole chapter really emphasises his own self loathing, especially in the way he thinks of his own scars/his hands as being dirty.

And his thoughts towards Lucien in particular are another interesting choice because they scream insecurity. I think Az see's how decent Lucien is, how good a male he is, as well as the mating bond, something he wishes he had to match his brothers, and he's threatened by it. He puts on this brave face like he's not scared of anything but when you remember that Az spent his formative years being abused, being told he was nothing and no one, and the one thing he had was his power. His thoughts towards Lucien kinda make sense, in that him lording his power over Lucien is the one thing he can grab hold of and say this is something I'm good at, because he doesn't think he has anything else of worth.

But instead of dealing with all these feelings, he focuses on the instant gratification of his desires for Elain as an avoidance technique of sorts, to avoid actually dealing with and processeing his emotions, his jealousy, his fear, his feelings for Mor, how he views his own self worth, his feelings of inadequacy, his childhood abuse, and how they all influence his ideas of love, relationships, intimacy ect. Things which deep down he longs for but doesn't think he deserves? So as much as I don't like his thoughts in this chapter, it's hopefully a starting point to propell his growth forward and finally deal with his feelings and break free of his toxic thinking and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Like I think that the way he thinks about Elain is inappropriate and I'm not trying to justify it at all because I can't, I'm just trying to consider Sarah's reasonings for his behaviour?? and that he's thinking about Elain at all, and his happy thoughts towards Gwen at the end of the chapter could indicate him starting to accept that Mor is out of the picture and be a first step forward idk.

This Azriel chapter really only makes any sense if Sarah is going to expand upon Az's story in more detail and give Azriel his own journey in one of the next books. Like this only makes sense as a starting off point for his character to grow. Otherwise the chapter is pointless and leaves Az at a low point which didn't make him look great. But I know he's more then what this snippet gave us.

#idek what this is #just rambling thoughts of me trying to process what's been done to my az and why #azriel #acosf #acosf spoilers #a court of silver flames

[gwynrielsupremacy]

Azriel surprises Gwyn for her birthday part 7

THIS ONE IS SHORT BUT IMPORTANT

Y'all, this is part 7! Chapter List right here

Just thought the fandom needed a little break from ship-wars and toxicity.... So here's a little Azriel-reflecting-while-training-alone-time. Hope you like this!!!

Also tagging my girls as usual @madie2200 @katiebellf @starbornsinger you are awesome <3

Azriel needed sparring so badly. After tonight’s dinner he had some things to think about. At some point, Mor had come to him and they exchanged a few words; she knew something was up with him. He was hoping no one would’ve noticed the looks he sent at Gwyn’s direction during the evening, but apparently it didn’t work. Not only Cassian and Nesta were already pestering him with their smirks and glances every time Gwyn was around, but now he felt Mor could fit into that list.

***

“Are you okay?” She had stood up from her spot beside Emerie and now those piercing eyes were staring straight at him. He looked at her for a moment before questioning back, darting his eyes towards the room.

“I could ask you the same”

She snorted, and he could feel her eyes leaving him, focusing on the small crowd in front of them. Especially on one winged female. “I’m fine. Perfectly fine, in fact.”

His eyes met hers again. She wasn’t being ironic; instead, the tender, honest tone in her voice made his brows furrow just slightly. Before he could insist on the matter, she returned to her question.

“What’s going on with you lately?”

But she wasn’t concerned, he could see. She was just… Curious. And maybe amused. He knew to what she was referring to; or better, to whom. The female he was purposefully not trying to stare right now, since he felt her lingering teal eyes on him. Just the thought of her watching him made the shadows that were mere seconds ago hiding behind him swirl around his shoulders.

So he was brief: “Nothing.”

“You know, Az…” She inhaled before continuing, and her hand on his forearm caused him to meet her stare. Only gentleness and understanding in it. “I’m here for you always. And I can see you are different these last months. You know I know you too well to notice your mood changes.”

He nodded. He indeed knew. For centuries, he knew it. Whatever Azriel felt for her, Mor could always tell. And now, with a jolt, he realized that – she – didn’t affect him anymore. Not in that way, at least. So he allowed himself to glance at Gwyn just once, only to meet with her and Rhys staring at each other while Rhys raised his glass at her, a cryptic expression in his face. Gwyn just swallowed and smiled back timidly.

Mor had followed Azriel’s gaze and chuckled quietly when she landed her eyes on the Priestess, missing that quick exchange. She tapped his shoulder twice and made to depart but then he softly gripped her arm. “Thank you.” And he meant it.

She gave him that gold, stunning smile, and returned to her spot next to Emerie. He couldn't help thinking that sight didn't give him the twists in stomach it once had.

***

He continued sparring, the sound of his punches hitting the target the only thing to rip the silent night. He didn’t feel anything anymore but fondness and brotherly love towards Mor, and that made him feel like a big, heavy weight was lifted off his shoulders. When Elain had come, he felt that was it, that they were meant to be together. Logic seemed to point towards it. But the Cauldron didn’t obey logic, he created it. And with time, that feeling also faded away.

He kept hitting the punching bag mercilessly, and although the air was cold, sweat already coated his clothes. He didn’t bother changing into his leathers, so now his black shirt and pants were soaking wet. Gwyn’s words kept playing on and on in his mind. She liked them, his shadows. After months of getting closer, they’d engaged in various conversations. Azriel even felt himself opening up to her, in a way he’d ever done before. And although she seemed not to mind his shadows always moving, trying to reach her, it was the first time she ever voiced to him she actually liked them. Not only tolerated them, but liked. He was caught off guard then, and not for the first time when it came to her.

So his mind kept going through different moments he shared with her. The way their bodies were pressed close when they flew over Velaris for the first time, months ago, how the city lights reflected on her face – shades of purple, and yellow, and silver. How she didn’t seem scared of him touching her, of his scarred hands holding her waist and legs. How she couldn’t meet his eyes, for she kept smiling down marveled at the sight below. And when that single tear sled down her cheek, she didn’t do anything to wipe it away.

Then on her birthday, that charged look she gave him; filled with an emotion he couldn’t quite describe. Her scent when she hugged him, and all the small smiles and stolen glances as they bantered while training for all these months. The few times she called him “Az”, only when they were alone, and what that meant. If it meant anything at all.

Something sparkled in his chest when he thought about her grinning earlier that evening, before they flew to the River House. The way that outfit complemented her features, and how effortless she seemed to be wearing it. The necklace he gave her bringing out the colors in her hair. And that damned smile, the one he’d seen on her face plenty of times before, practically shining with joy.

And how, when she was at the stairs just an hour before, he let his most insistent shadow curl around her arm, as if saying all he couldn’t manage to. How he wanted her to stay, come practice with him, or sit by his side when they both stared up at the night sky, or just fill him with questions about anything at all. How he secretly wanted to feel her in his arms again. How he just wanted to… Be with her.

At that moment, he heard a voice. A faint, quiet singing beckoning him to come closer. And without thinking, he felt his feet moving towards it, into the House, climbing the stairs, arriving on the hallway to his bedroom. The more he moved, the louder the melody became.

When he stopped by Gwyn’s door, he lost his breath. She was singing, and although her voice was muffled by the door between them, Azriel could listen perfectly. That sweet and tender melody, filled with happiness and sorrow and love. The most beautiful voice he ever heard. And with it, a glowing, golden string sliding under the door; from her, to him. Right into his chest.

He thought about her all those months ago, that image that he had buried deep inside him now resurfacing. How he could so clearly picture her eyes lighting up at the sight of that reckless gift, how she would beam.

He leaned against the wall, trying to calm his racing thoughts. A part of him couldn’t believe it, but another wasn’t surprised. It just… Clicked. As if the picture was standing in front of him for a long time, waiting for him, but only now he stepped back enough to see it. And it all made sense. So he left out a soft chuckle, savoring that moment, what that possibly meant for him, for them, and stood by her door until long after she stopped singing.

A thing of secret, lovely beauty indeed.

#aw GUESS WHAT HE FOUND OUT NOW #oops what will they do #did someone ask for gwynriel moments #gwynriel #gwynriel supremacy #i live for gwynriel #gwyns birthday #was some time ago now #but check out chapter 1 #this is part 7 #gwynriel headcanon #FLUFF ALERT

[duskcowboy]

I have so many questions for the Evil Elain Theory… 🥀

I want to make it clear that I’m genuinely opening this post up for discussion (just please stay respectful). I personally like Elain so far and am SO excited for her possible POV because I see a lot of her potential, and yes, I lean heavily towards Elriel, but that doesn’t mean I’m close-minded and not willing to hear out other perspectives. Also, I’m aware not all “Evil Elain” theorists are necessarily anti- Elain.

[Note:] None of the following questions are intended to be sarcastic, they are poised to challenge the “Evil Elain Theory” thought process and reasoning behind it. Please don’t take that as confrontational. With that said, buckle in for my following questions:

1. First and foremost, what textual evidence supports this theory?

I don’t recall anything that supports her being “sus,” or at least, I didn’t interpret anything that way. Therefore, I’m interested in knowing what exactly led people to think this. One post I found stated that Elain is “so good at gaslighting and being toxically positive” and that’s why she’s suspicious…I’m honestly at a loss… “toxically positive”?? I don’t even know what this person means? Please enlighten me 😩

2. What would turn her evil (her motivation)?

I gave an effort to scroll through the “Evil Elain theory” tag and only saw a bunch of headcanons for if she were evil, but wasn’t able to dive deep enough to find anything to actually support the reasoning behind why she would turn evil.

I saw a single post about how she’ll turn evil because Az chooses Gwyn over her. But REALLY you guys?? You’re gonna diminish her character down to fighting over a male?? That is SO problematic. Not to mention I’m pretty sure the choice comes down to Elain, NOT Az. She needs to choose between Lucien & Az, not Az choosing between her and Gwyn imo. So Im genuinely interested in knowing better reasons for an evil Elain than that.

3. Would this be permanent? Like, is she truly evil to the core or is she being manipulated?

More thoughts pertaining to this one in the next couple questions…

4. If it’s permanent, how would that end?

I’ve seen numerous people rooting for “evil” Elain to be killed by either Gwyn or Nesta in the end. Huhhhh??? This brings up so many questions for me. Why would Gwyn kill her? How would she be involved in the plot enough to be the one to kill Elain? It better not be over Az because I can’t even express how much I’d despise that.

Some suggest that Nesta could be the one to kill the “evil” Elain and at least that one makes a little more sense (the sister who’s always protected Elain has to end her), but it still feels so. far. fetched. And if “evil” Elain doesn’t die? Would she be like Tamlin where people either hate her (as if they don’t already now?) or root for a redemption arc?

5. If she’s being manipulated, would that be resolved? If so, how/when?

I imagine if she’s being “manipulated,” she would need the IC or whoever (Lucien? Az?) to save her (don’t even get me started on how this urks me since it’s another “damsel in distress” plot for Elain just reframed, but i digress…). If she’s “saved” and freed from Koschei’s (or I guess could be Beron’s?) grasp, then what? Az fell in love with Gwyn during that time and he said “bye-bye” to his love for Elain after loving Mor for 500+ years first? And Elain would supposedly then end up with Lucien through this conflict? How would this allow any character growth for Elain or allow her to use her Seer abilities? This leads me into the next few questions…

6. How does evil Elain tie in to the plot with the antagonists that are already established?

The main storyline of the spin-offs have the main villain being Koschei, with the mortal queen(s) and Beron as his henchmen. Nesta took care of the queen, my guess is Beron will be dealt with in ACOTAR 5, and Koschei will be the final opponent in 6. Where does evil Elain fit into that? I suppose you could argue that it ties into the possible conflict with Beron with her ties to Lucien, but SJM would have to spin that masterfully for it all to fit into place. And again, it brings up the question of how her “villain arc” would end. Does this supposed arc end with her with Lucien? Dead? I’m honestly confused how it’d all work…

7. How does evil Elain tie in to shipping Gwyn/iel?

Even if Gwyn did kill “evil” Elain, you expect Az to be with Gwyn after she kills someone that he is/was in love with?? (Elain is literally listed as his LI on wiki so don’t come for me on this claim). I just need the thought process to make sense and it’s currently not clicking for me. If SJM did have Gwyn/iel be endgame, this would not be the way I’d want it to happen. It feels like she would just be eliminating Elain from the equation in order for Az to end up with Gwyn. But I suppose that’s kinda what happened with Tamlin? But if she does that same “love interest turns evil/toxic due to trauma, etc” wouldn’t it feel reused? Idk, guess ultimately we’d have to see…

8. Finally, who’s POV is the theory occurring through?

I’m assuming this would be Az? Or Lucien? But this brings up so many more questions. Wouldn’t it make more sense for Lucien to be the POV given the argument that he ends up with Elain? But that’s if she’s only temporarily evil, what if she’s permanently evil and then killed? When would that happen? Would it be Az POV in ACOTAR 5 (since he had the POV in the bonus), ends up with Gwyn, and then Elain turns evil at the end which will be the cliffhanger into 6? I suppose that’s the only way that would work? But would it be Elain/Koschei as the final antagonist? If so, then why would Az be ACOTAR 5 going against Beron when that’s literally Lucien’s “dad” (as far as he knows as of rn)?

So for any of this all to happen, ACOTAR 5 would have to include: 1) resolving/extinguishing any romantic interest between Elriel, 2) develop Gwyn/iel sufficiently to be endgame by the end of the book, 3) Elain turning evil, 4) Beron dealt with, etc… My head is literally spinning from the reaching that is occurring to make this all plausible 😕

Look, I get it, I can see the appeal for evil Elain in that it would be unexpected. But that’s the thing: there hasn’t been any real, sufficient evidence to back this up, so HOW would we see that coming?? My instincts tell me it’s not gonna happen. And based on the mental backflips I’ve had to do to make some semblance of this theory make sense, it would take a compelling argument to change my mind. But I’m open to being challenged in my way of thinking! Don’t feel compelled to answer every single little question. If you have an opinion/interpretation in defense of the theory (or any thoughts on it in general!), feel free to drop it in the comments.

Once again I’ve rambled quite a bit 😅😅 but I’m always so curious to understand what other people are thinking because I feel like I’ve missed something. Anywho ~ thanks for reading if you got this far!

Have a wonderful ☀️ or 🌙!

#evil elain #elain archeron #azriel #gwyn berdara #lucien vanserra #acotar5 #acotar6 #acotar theories #open for discussion!! #please be respectful

[highfaelucien]

I completely agree with how you feel towards azriel. Thinking about azriel’s character now vs how I used to view him during acomaf times is just... sad and so so so much more complex. Part of me still wants to love him for the character that was presented to us in acomaf and other small good moments, like his friendship with nesta. And then the other part of me is disgusted, disappointed, and honestly kind of terrified of who he may become if sjm allows him to continue acting predatorily/toxic. The whole mor/az situation really fucked me up. As someone who is also a lesbian and an abuse survivor, it broke my heart to watch the situation unfold in acowar. It still hurts seeing many readers (and sometimes even sjm) take az’s side and paint mor as some sort of liar/two faced character that is playing everyone. I kept thinking that things would be fixed in future books, but instead az has grown worse and mor was, once again, sidelined and written out as a character. And honestly... as much as I love the idea of gwyn x azriel ... I think his books would need a lot more focus on his own recovery/growth and not center on a romantic relationship. If anything, I hope it’s written as friends to lovers so az has a better way of interacting and forming relationships with women. Because right now... well, that shit is borderline predatory and isn’t coming across well. And I really really do not want that for him. Basically, azriel deserves a better arc than what has been written for him. I miss him :( he used to be a character that made me feel safe and now :/ idk anymore

I'm going to quote parts of this/chop it up and reply to them a chunk at a time. because there's a lot going on here and I want to try and reply to as much as I can because I resonate with.....all of it. Please forgive me for the length of this.

I completely agree with how you feel towards azriel. Thinking about azriel’s character now vs how I used to view him during acomaf times is just... sad and so so so much more complex.

He feels like a different character? There was always an anger simmering under the calm surface, we knew that. But it was an anger born of love, deep down, and the desire to protect his family, and his court, at the expense of himself. Az was always the first to volunteer himself for dangerous missions, to spare the others.

Now that anger is directed at his family, and at the world, for not giving him what he feels he 'deserves'. That has NEVER been Azriel. Azriel's deepest issues and insecurities have always stemmed from the feeling of being unworthy, and undeserving of anything.

She's just made him into......Every other dude in this series tbh. Snarling, and possessive, and wanting to fuck anything in a skirt that moves.

Azriel was actually somewhat of an original, complex character initially. It's unusual that we see trauma affect men in the way it did Az. Usually it makes them angry, and vengeful, and eager to prove they are the alpha etc. Seeing them withdraw, and think less of themselves/that they're unworthy is something not explored often enough. But bye bye nuance hello #Drama.

Part of me still wants to love him for the character that was presented to us in acomaf and other small good moments, like his friendship with nesta.

I feel this. I found a lot of comfort in Az's character. Particularly the way he reacted with Mor. I was a big fan of their relationship, and I wrote a few 'missing scenes' style fics in the gap between ACOMAF and ACOWAR. One of them was where Az went to her when she had pushed everyone else away, including Cassian, and comforted and calmed her.

I hate that Maas took that away from Mor. I hate that Az no longer does that for her. I hate that Az was the one to betray her along with Rhys and bring her abuser into her safe space behind her back. I hate that he is no longer a symbol of calm, stable, dependable comfort and support for Mor, but is instead a threat. I HATE it.

Every now and then Az has lovely, gentle moments - his friendship with Nesta is a good example, and something I hoped we'd see. But also quieter times with Rhys, and their similarities being explored. And I adored the flying lessons with Feyre in ACOWAR, and the training he did with Cassian and the others in ACOFS.

But then she goes and twists him and does something else that just makes me want to fucking scream. Like the High Lord scene where he 'frightened' Mor. And his entire POV chapter which is frankly fucking gross.

And then the other part of me is disgusted, disappointed, and honestly kind of terrified of who he may become if sjm allows him to continue acting predatorily/toxic.

I agree.

I don't know how she can write a series that explores the effects of emotional abuse so well with Feyre and Tamlin...And then write what she did with Az?

The possession to a traumatised, still impressionable and desperate young woman, who likely finds the same comfort and safety in him that Mor did. Before that got shot to fucking pieces.

He sounds like a whiny toddler 'Cassian has a mate, and Rhys has a mate, where is mine!?!?!?!?' I DESERVE Elain, because I'm your brother and you guys have her sisters and what the FUCK. Who let that shit get published holy mother of god.

It's just...It's so unhealthy? Like, not even talking ship wars here (which I'm aware are rampant, and which I'm trying my best to stay away from). But that just.

How can that ever be a healthy foundation for a relationship? A man who thinks that he deserves, not only to be in a relationship with her, but to be bonded to her. Not because of HER, not because of who she is, or how she makes him feel. No. Purely because her sisters are mated to his brothers?

The whole thing made me feel so uncomfortable. It's predatory and toxic, just as you said. It's not right, it's not fair. Forget alliances and Lucien, even if none of that was a factor, that sort of thinking is still not right. And it's completely unfair to Elain.

But it also just. It didn't read like Azriel. The first part, where he struggles to sleep, and pushes himself until he passes out, and the insight that his shadows are basically hovering beside him screaming SELF CARE YOU DUMB BITCH at all times was very pleasing.

And the part where he goes to Clotho and leaves an anonymous gift for Gwyn. No fanfair. No audience. No pressure on either of them to react/perform. That felt like Az, too.

But everything in the middle. Everything with Elain, was just...Gross and out of character. And this is not because I dislike E/riel as a ship. I could get on board with it, tbh, if it wasn't written the way it was.

But it's not about ships, for me. It's just. Everything felt out of character. The predatory way he was with her. The fact he lies awake and gets himself off to fantasies of her. How apparently quickly he was aroused by putting a necklace on her. Idk, maybe it's my ace ignorance, but that doesn't sound normal/healthy to me.

Nor does him having to leave a room because he can scent her mating bond with Lucien. Or not being able to control himself to sit and eat dinner with her?

This is the same dude who has, apparently, been in love with Mor for 500 solid years, and who never did a damned thing about it. Who always kept himself in check. Even while she's had other lovers. But he can't control himself through one dinner with Elain?

It just. It doesn't feel like him. It feels like...Honestly not even Cassian. It feels like Tamlin on horny, predatory steroids. And that's not something I ever wanted to see from Azriel's POVs.

She could have explored a darker side to him without making it sexual? And misogynistic. And having him treating Elain as little more than a fucking object that he feels entitled to because 'everyone else got one, where's mine?'. What the FUCK???

The more I write it the more angry I get.

Because SJM has consistently put Az in the position of saving women when they were in danger? He was the one who found Mor near death at Autumn. He was the one who rescued Gwyn from her attackers during the war. He was the one to retrieve Elain when she was taken.

She always puts him in this position and, for better or worse, presents him as a safety figure for these women. The first person who they saw come for them, and fight for them, and protect them.

And on the inside she makes him this vile, predatory monster who just thinks constantly about fucking them? Who isn't actually safe at all?? It's sad. And it's infuriating. Because this isn't about ships anymore. This is about female survivors who have an apparent safe person who's presented as almost as dangerous as the people who attacked them in the first place. And that makes me feel so sick and sad that we've gotten here.

It still hurts seeing many readers (and sometimes even sjm) take az’s side and paint mor as some sort of liar/two faced character that is playing everyone. I kept thinking that things would be fixed in future books, but instead az has grown worse and mor was, once again, sidelined and written out as a character.

This is yet another vile thing SJM has done to queer readers with this whole fiasco. Because it puts me in a position where I want to call out her shitty writing, and what she's done to Mor - sidelining her as soon as she became queer. Undermining her power and her strength. Undermining her role as the survivor to look up to. Saying her power is truth but then making her seem like a liar. Which is all shitty, shitty, shitting writing.

But I'm also a queer person. And I will always always ALWAYS want to defend a queer person's right to remain closeted. Regardless of their reasons for doing so. But in this case it's a concern for their safety/a fear of how those around them will react. And I will NEVER condemn that. I will never say Az is suffering more than Mor for her being closeted. I will never call Mor a liar/a manipulator/two-faced when all she's doing is trying to survive.

I WILL condemn SJM for making this a scenario. For putting homophobia in her world purely to cause pain for queer characters, and drama for her straight ones. And for sidelining Mor as soon as she can't write graphic scenes with her fucking men because now she's a lesbian so we best get her off the page so the guys can get their cocks out some more.

And honestly... as much as I love the idea of gwyn x azriel ... I think his books would need a lot more focus on his own recovery/growth and not center on a romantic relationship. If anything, I hope it’s written as friends to lovers so az has a better way of interacting and forming relationships with women. Because right now... well, that shit is borderline predatory and isn’t coming across well. And I really really do not want that for him.

This is going to sound sarcastic but I actually mean it fully and completely genuinely: 95% of the drama inducing problems in this series could be fixed with some fucking therapy.

But I agree with you. I think it's high time Azriel worked on his own issues. Even if they've apparently made a complete 180 from what they were in ACOMAF.

I...Like the concept of Gwyn/Azriel, but I'm not sold on the ship. Not with the way Maas has been writing Azriel lately. That kind of man shouldn't be with any woman right now. But especially not a rape survivor who sees him as one of the first men she's been able to trust in a long time.

Basically, azriel deserves a better arc than what has been written for him. I miss him :( he used to be a character that made me feel safe and now :/ idk anymore

"he used to be a character that made me feel safe" - This shit hit me like a tonne of bricks because this is EXACTLY how I feel about Az, too. You just managed to say it in a few words instead of 12 pages of rambling, like I do.

And I think this was intention. Azriel was presented as a very dependable character. He rescued Mor, and was respectful enough to keep his distance, despite his feelings, for 500 fucking years. Because he didn't think she was ready/interested.

He had a very calm, and calming air about him. Always in control of himself. Without the expected bursts of aggression and temper we'd seen from...Every other male character in this series. He was stable, and solid, and that was comforting. An anchor. And someone who would quietly, and without fuss, seek out Mor/others when they needed someone to talk to or comfort him.

That was a very soothing, reassuring presence in the book, I felt. And now she's made him seem...volatile, and unstable. With this dangerous anger that he can't control, that he uses not to protect, but to intimidate, and to fuel his entitlement and desires.

it's just sad. It's sad that she's taken this away from Mor, but also from other survivors who found comfort and safety in Az. Because I'm sure we weren't alone in that regard.

I miss him. And I mourn the character he was, and feel anger for the character he should have been. but instead he's become yet another possessive, entitled, snarling cardboard cutout dude like...everyone else.

And I ache for the Az/Mor dynamic that we had in ACOMAF. Even without it becoming romantic, there was no reason for that to be destroyed/ruined.

She could have written it that Az is the only one who knows about her sexuality, and that he pretends he's still in love with her as a shield/buffer, so no one looks too closely/to protect her and make her feel comfortable.

Instead she turned it into a soap opera style drama. And wrote it almost as though her sexuality was her cheating on him? Denying him what he deserved. And now she's just...just pussyfooting around it. And apparently he's just. Just moved on. Without them having any kind of conversation or closure at all. He just wanks off to the thought of Elain instead of Mor, now, problem solved /s

I miss what they were. I miss what he was to Mor. I miss when she had that support system, and that safety net. I miss when he protected her. And looked out for her. And understood her in a way that no one else, not even Rhys, did.

Mor deserved that. Azriel deserved that. WE deserved that. And she nuked it for some fucking twisted drama that punishes a lesbian because a man is thirsting after her. it's a fucking disgrace. I'm so fucking done with SJM, y'all. So fucking done.

#azriel acotar #azriel #morrigan actoar #elain archeron #acomaf #acosf #acotar series #anti sjm #anti acotar #i feel like i should have two separate tags for az #acomaf az #and everything else az #because he's a totally different character #even elriel shippers have to admit that? #he's not the same man he was presented to us as #maybe i'll just #just write a fix it fic #that just #just fucking takes everything post ACOMAF and fixes everything she's done dirty to the side characters #i won't actually do that #because it would destroy literally all of my fucking sanity #but i might write fix it/fuck canon Az/Mor dynamic #because i miss them #and i crave to explore the concept of platonic mates #which they do very well #anyway #anonymous #taryn answers #long post #acotar meta

[fantasycorrupted]

Okay, I wanted to go out for a walk but because the anon has made me have deep thoughts about my OCs, I present to you: a list of ships. This will in no way be ordered; I just want to list relationships that have happened/are happening in my stories right now, and take a closer look at them. They may involve characters I haven't spoken of until now; I'll try to be as concise as possible.

May come back to this to add more information later.

Putting under read more as this became long.

From Livsstrid:

Rigmor and Kieran

My OTP. And not only because I wrote this as a dedication to my boyfriend! Rigmor has been through a lot of shit from her entire family (god I hate them), so to balance it out I decided to give her good friends and a sweet boyfriend. That boyfriend is Kieran. Enough said.

Also, from his POV, he's never had much luck with girls and he's a loner – and very lonely – so Rigmor saves him from a very unsure time in his life, a low he hadn't thought he had reached. So the relationship is a rush of hope for them both.

Elsa and Per

Two words: toxic marriage. I didn't start out with the thought that this would be what they'd become, as I – and I admit it again – kind of got inspired for them from my own parents.

Elsa and Per however are a different story. As he was the one who saved her after her escape from her abusive parents, she became dependent on him and their relationship remained as such. Per is too meek and uncaring to become a tyrant however even though he has so much power.

They barely fight when Rigmor leaves because... they have nothing to really unite them anymore. It's likely they split up after they realize their precious little girl won't return home.

From Arvid's story (yet to be written):

Arvid and Siegfried

Oh man, all the thoughts I have for this ship. This is pretty much enemies to friends to lovers; Siegfried is the bassist in Arvid's band – he and Arvid jump ship from another band that treats them both terribly. In the beginning it's everything but peaceful and full of affection.

The previous band has Arvid as a guitarist, a chick is their lead, and there's two more guys apart from Sigge... and they really don't get on well at all. The chick is homophobic and lashes out at Siegfried when she finds out about him, she gossips about all the guys and makes them fight etc.

Arvid's new band is super acceptable in contrast and there both he & Siegfried feel far more at peace and fight much less. And they start considering dating after sharing a kiss.

From Celestial:

Kamael and Hella

Is it obvious this one is also an OTP? They may remind you a lot of Rigmor/Kieran, I know, I'm a bit predictable in this, but they aren't the same. The dynamic is however similar. Hella becomes emotionally involved with Kamael far earlier before they start dating after they discover they are colleagues and begin hanging out.

He realizes he has also had feelings for her from earlier. Pretty much they're each other's safety in a time as chaotic and dangerous as this, and they hold onto each other and find comfort in one another. They're different on the surface but deep down they find this difference refreshing.

Kamael and Michael/Azazel/Gabriel

Best friends. Before Kamael has Hella or discovers what's happened to his brothers – thanks to his grandfather and uncle's scheme to make them all forget about each other so they never reunite and remain weak – he has his friends.

And because Misha, Aze and Gabe were also a part of it all, as much against their will as everyone else, they understand Kamael perfectly and know him very well.

Their care and love for each other is mutual and strong and though Kam seems/likes to think he's a loner he loves to hang out with these dudes.

Stefan and Michael

I won't lie – I didn't expect this ship to happen. Do I love it however? Yes, yes, I do. Classic friends to lovers, bonus points because they have been hanging out a lot thanks to their closeness to Kamael. Stef and Mike discover they have more in common than they thought, Mike realises he finds Stef cute, Stef realises he's been having a crush on Mike for a long time, they get together. Well they probably have their bad moments like everyone but hey, that's ok. They enjoy each other's company a lot and make sense existing in each other's lives.

Aster and Annabeth

Ani, if you say this is also an OTP I'm gonna roll my eyes. You're getting cheesy.

Well get ready to roll baby.

I'm joking.

So while initially Aster struggles with relationships due to having been sexually assaulted throughout the Corbeaus’ experiments in Celestial, he craves one very deeply. And he has chances to get one. He's good-looking, he's a fairly famous actor in both Italy and Germany, and he's also a model and a known name in the fashion scene.

That would make it easy to get a girl, right? Wrong. He gets into a myriad of short-lived flings that bring nothing good to the table... until he meets a new director, Annabeth.

Still, while things are yet unsure between them the way they are between Kamael and Hella, Aster gets pushed by his demon Asmodeus to go after Hella. The demon almost forces them together out of a desire to ‘own’ Hella, as he sees Annabeth in her, but Aster manages to subdue him and Hella also helps them stop before anything happens.

They apologise to each other and remain friends, though of course there's a lot of teasing as Kam and Ace who are stepbrothers are dating two girls who are sisters. All in a good natured way of course. With too many jokes.

Any of the other Corbeaus and Michael/Azazel/Gabriel

Good friends. Probably not as close as Kamael is with these three, but his brothers also develop friendships with them. Basically this is turning into a huge ass ‘best friends saving each other’ story and I am so here for it.

From Forward/Backward:

Fiadh and Rian

Ah yes, the classic enemies to lovers. This time, the friendship that sometimes happens somewhere in the middle is far more short-lived, but they realise its existence with time. They respect each other a lot, even though they act like they'd bury the other in sand and leave them stranded alone on an unknown island.

Fiadh finds Rian infuriating, too full of himself and a know-it-all; Rian finds Fiadh rude and mannerless, a woman who doesn't know how to act in the face of danger. As time passes however they see each other for what they really are and start cherishing each other.

Though he might be guarding his pride, it's because his family has been looking down on him and shielding him from things they think he wouldn't manage to do his whole life. And though she might be loud and boisterous, it's because nobody in her family has really listened to her – and she's as mad as she is because she found out her family has been lying to her.

Rian has been shit at finding what he really likes to do in life, and has let his family dictate his life for him. Fiadh is the exact opposite, while she and her own family have rarely fought, she refuses to take anyone's advice on things and has set her mind on managing her entire life herself. They both learn that they're wrong when they get together, and the other's presence helps a lot.

#// is this a headcanon about more than 1 character? yes

[princessofmerchants]

Elain for the characters ask

Thank you for the ask, @darling-archeron!

How I feel about this character: Elain, in the first three books, was a character I liked a lot. I told someone recently that, in terms of traits and tropes, if Nesta is who I relate to most in terms of my actual experience of the world, Elain’s temperament (at least as developed in the first three books), is what I strive for. She always struck me as both gentle and peaceful, and that gentleness is something I covet at times (feeling gentle is not something I would say is my baseline norm as I move through the world). I also love gardens and growing things, and in that respect pretty much love her aesthetic. There is a quote that Feyre says or thinks about Elain, I can’t find the exact wording atm, but it is along the lines of: “There is a special kind of bravery and strength in being kind when the world has not been kind to you” (I’m probably embellishing that lol but that’s the gist of it as I remember it), and this is something I strive for in my own life so I really appreciate this about Elain. 

As was the case with every character in the series, ACOFAS and ACOSF complicated my feelings about Elain. She said some things in ACOSF that were surprising and seemed to reveal an inability to give her sister Nesta the same patience Nesta gave her earlier in the series when she was traumatized after being forced into the Cauldron and turned fae, and the part of me that relates so much with Nesta felt pretty hurt by that. That being said, I know enough about toxic family dynamics to know that the relationship between the Archeron sisters at this point in the series is very realistic, and I am willing to let Elain be imperfect in this regard. Plus, it’s clear her story is coming, and it will be worth the wait. So in all, I still like her! I need more from her and about her. And I can’t wait to get it.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Lucien. I could write a long paragraph why, but I’m not going to. 😎

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Oh, this is very difficult to answer, and I think I want to abstain from answering it based on anything in canon, because like the Valkyrie trio for Nesta, I feel like Elain’s close friendships may not have even been introduced yet. I will say for the record, though, Elain joining the Band of Exiles, whether partnered (yet) with Lucien or not, has incredible storytelling potential. I think with Vassa’s close relationship with Papa Archeron on the journey to Prythian at the end of the war, there is the potential for a deep connection between the two of them. I also love the idea of a close relationship forming between Elain and either/both Helion and Lady Autumn.

My unpopular opinion about this character: That I still like her? That I can still like her even though I think what she said to Nesta in ACOSF during their fight was outta line? That those two things can both be true for me? (I’m not sure what is unpopular to think about Elain these days, as I have shied away from the Elain discourse since it’s so overrun with the ship war...)

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: Controversial theory / wish time: I mourn the loss of what I read as a growing platonic friendship between Elain and Azriel in ACOFAS. I just really loved their dynamic, and what happened between them in the Azriel POV bonus chapter, and the glimpse we got of how Az thinks of her, pretty much ruined it for me. And it seems to have ruined it for them to, since after Solstice in ACOSF they no longer appeared to speak much. So if I could have something concrete in canon regarding Elain, separate from wanting the Archeron sisters to believably reconcile on the page (but I think that is coming), is for somehow Elain and Azriel to restore their friendship with each other once they have both gone on their separate growth and healing journeys, respectively. I also want to see her badass Seer powers in action in a way that is central to the meta series plot. 

Send me a character and I’ll break them down!

Past character posts: Mor | Rhys | Eris | Nesta

#elain archeron #acosf spoilers #acotar series #ask answered #darling-archeron #sarah j maas #a court of silver flames #acosf #ask game #character asks #azriel bonus chapter #elucien #getting personal

[lil-birch]

004 - Yes, I was in Washington; NO, I was not on "vacation".

Ew. You know when you look at a word for a long time and it starts to sound and look radically different in your head? Yeah, that just happened to me with "vacation". Yikes.

ANYways

I'm in the ACE van on the way back to AZ and I've managed to leave my journal inside my work bag, so consider this blog entry to be a direct deposit of my thoughts processing one of the best/worst month-long experiences of my life (if this were in a pie chart, I'd say like... 80% best/20% worst (and considering the bad parts are meant to be learned from anyways, really only like 10% bad)). Besides, how bad can life be when it's being lived in an ethereal paradise? Rejoice! Rejoice even when sh*t is whack!

One of the best things? The view of the meadow halfway through the hike up:

Let's start with the schedule of this hitch:

6 am - wake up call. gentle sun trickling through the ponderosa pines to lift the eyelids. honey-nut-oat cereal with blueberry kefir and green tea is a must.

7 am - depart camp for Blue Lake trail.

7:30 am - begin Safety Circle, which is the crew's time to review what is important for us and the climbers around us. we then ask our Question of the Day (QOTD) as we stretch, which can vary from describing the person to your left as a dinner or releasing a cathartic screech that signifies your mating call. Very fun stuff to get the ol' Positive Mental Attitude (PMA) warmed up.

7:45 - 8 am - depart trailhead for Climbing Access Reroute worksite.

9 am - arrive at worksite. the fun begins.

The central focus for this month-long hitch was to utilize dry masonry practices by building staircases into pre-existing trail to reduce erosion, social trails, and thus allow natural biodiversity to flourish since the soil and hikers aren't trampling all over them.

(Staircase #1 w/ Anna & Staircase #2 w/ Connor)

I built two staircases with my crewmates and did some digging/retaining wall work with two other staircases. The key with building staircases is to gain a ton of height in the trail, as well as provide an easy surface for water to run over vs. the water running over the plain soil. So, we set taller steps with pinners (side rocks to hold steps in place with the power of ROCK!!!) until the staircase extends through the entire section of trail. Voíla! A functional staircase that will, deadass, last 100-200 years. Regardless of whether humankind destroys the Earth in the next 20-30 years or we get smacked by a meteor or whatever... that's still pretty neat. Generations of climbers will be able to use these trails! Even the mountain goats used our staircases!

(Yes, that is only a boulder, not a staircase. BUT SO! CUTE!)

So yes. Real-life Tetris™️, with pickmattocks to dig and double jacks to SMASH ROCK and heaving boulders around in rock nets and then breaking them into pieces with a drill. Siiiiiiiiick.

And the off-days... Olympic National Park!!!!! Seattle! Twisp! (I felt very creative in Twisp. It's really smol and snug.) Bellingham! Forks, the vampire capital of the United States! Wow! There's so much to explore in this state and we only broke the surface.

To be completely honest, there was more mental exploration than physical. Posts 002 & 003 centered more around specific themes I've been writing about in my journal as pertaining to my life, but in a general sense, I think I needed this hitch to regain my Self. Now that I'm in an environment where I'm contantly physically active, eating more nutritious foods, consistently meditating and practicing yoga, and being challenged to push my limits, it's a little unsettling to look back over the past year and see how unhealthy I was. Mental illness and all that aside, I continously put the needs of school, work, and extracurriculars ahead of nourishing my body and soul. As much as I do miss college (see also: my friends and my professors and theatre and the radio), I don't particularly miss the toxic environment surrounding academia.

Its been particularly difficult trying to find peace with that unhealthy behavior. With any of it, really. I'm finding that while digging through my experiences, the guilt of how I *should have* done something or how I *handled something with very little tact or was just an abnormally evil goblin* in a situation gets overwhelming. Past me isolated myself away from a lot of people because I wanted to stop being a burden, or felt I was annoying them, or just couldn't handle the aforementioned guilt. How do you come to terms with the fact that for such a long time, you felt like a completely different person because, deep down, you were so unhealthy and unhappy?

Cultivation is a great way to start.

This is a word I overused hecka in my spring senior research capstone (thanks, plant communication!) but it's such an apt descriptor. Like, my brain, body, and soul might have been overgrown with weeds and mold and weird bugs but I'll be damned if I can't get back in there, yank those suckers out, and start a whole new garden that's ready to flourish. I've got wood chips and a fire lit under my ass. It's time to recultivate these neglected spaces, to create a new way of living that actually feels how living is supposed to. I'm tired of the past preventing me from this new era of flourishing.

The best part about cultivation is that all you need to start it is yourself. This is also the hardest part, considering that if you don't particularly like yourself it's a bit harder to get started. But one day, you'll wake up and agree with the inner calm deep inside your head that something needs to change. That day is exuberant; I wish and hope that everyone experiences it.

Here's to sunshine and self-discovery.

🌞🌿

#createandcultivate #gratitude #intention #north cascades #mountains #self love #self reflection #conservation #treat yourself with gentle love #special thank you to: #BROCKHAMPTON #hadestown #above and beyond

[wingsandfics]

Wings and Shadows || Azriel - two

There was only darkness. Utter darkness, endless, eternal, unyielding. She found it hard to breathe, like the particles of air were being sucked out or absorbed by the vastness of nothing before her. She heard voices, shadows moving in the dark and whispering to her such wicked things. She wondered further into nothing, trying and failing to find a way out. There must be a way out. It can't always be just this soulless darkness.

She knew she was dreaming. Had had this dream many times before. No, it was different though. She was alone.

Alone.

Isn't that was she has always wished for? To be left alone? The shadows started whispering louder. Lies. Those were lies. She knew those voices. The people whose voices those were would never say such things. They were love and kindness, even in their Illyrian way of being, they were kinder than the others. She knew they loved her. Very much. The things those shadows whispered were lies.

She turned, feeling a phantom touch brush against her knuckles. She took her fighting stance ready to encounter whatever her mind set up for her tonight. She knew she was trapped in her mind, always has been. A dreamer, a visionary, a warrior of sorts but for a different kind of war. She wished for peace, deep down, wished there was another way for her people to live. She didn't dare voice those thoughts anymore, not since they died.

Killed.

A shadow whispered while it curled around her hand. She dared look down but saw nothing. She could only feel the soft touch of the shadow but her hand was not there. It was like she wasn't fully bodied in this dream. She felt livid somehow. Hollow.

She tried to shake off the phantom touch that kept curing up her arm, her breath catching in her throat. She struggled to get the air down into her lungs but only darkness encased her. She knew then. There was no way out, no point in screaming for help. She waited for her lungs to give out but they kept trying to breathe the toxic air. Fighting.

It felt like a trap. She felt utterly trapped and defenseless when faced with this darkness she did not know. She felt a tug at her hand again, like something was pulling her away. Dragging her up. She tried following the tug but something caught her legs in place. She looked down at herself and she was sinking, darkness crawling up her legs in slimy, whispering waves.

You're useless. Did you really think they would accept you with those poor excuses of wings? You can't even fly properly. You're a shame. Always have been. We are ashamed of you. We should have killed you when we had the chance. It should be you who's dead, not us. You.

The darkness kept getting louder the further it crawled up her body. Close now. So close to eating her whole. So close to the end. She could feel it. The calming wave of nothing that was waiting for her.

When finally the darkness swallowed her, she was ready. She wanted it to be over, like she had wanted it to end since the day they died. She was ready.

But when the black abyss took her, she screamed.

~

Azriel jolted up awake, the screaming from the room next to him so terrible it sent shivers down his spine. There was so much pain and despair in the air it was hard to breathe. He knew well that smell. Has emanated it himself in this time when only the shadows were there to keep him company. Hesitant, he got up from the warm sheets and put on a shirt before walking out of the room. In the hallway Cassian was already standing at the door that led into the girl's room. A concerned look was spread across his features, wings tucked in and tense. Azriel knew he probably mirrored his brother's expression.

"Should we go in?" He asked softly, a little more than a whisper. Azriel contemplated it for a moment, but couldn't come up with a response. They should go in and wake her up at least, but by the way she ignored them in every sense of the word he wasn't sure she won't kick them out on their asses if they invaded her privacy.

"I think we should wake her, considering the risk of getting another knife thrown at my head, no one should suffer like that." He managed to get out at last. Cassian nodded in understanding and carefully opened the door.

A cold wind hit him, making his wings to tuck in even more, the hair on his arms rose. Mother above, it was freezing cold in here. Cass made for the window and Azriel slowly sat on the bed next to the girl. She was sleeping on her side, facing him, black hair stuck to her damp forehead. She looked like she was in pain. Azriel's hearth strained when he took in the way her body was trying to force down air into her lungs in deep, shallow breaths that seem to do nothing for her. A shadow of his was already caressing her arm, some of the others following without his will, encasing the girl in soothing whispers.

He could feel Cassian watching him from behind where he stood, a few steps further from the bed. He hesitantly reached for her shoulder, softly shaking her at first, then a little harder, while his shadows seemed to help her even out her breathing. When she jolted up awake a scream escaped her lips and she tried to put him down. Defending herself, he realized. From whatever it was that haunted her dreams. Azriel had an idea or to about that. He caught her hands and stopped her from punching him in the face. His shadows quickly gathered around him and Cassian started walking, stopping at Azriel's back, not to help him, but to calm her.

She looked at him with panicked eyes. So big and dark he couldn't see her irises in the dim light that entered through the window. He let go of her hands and she wrapped them around herself while still examining him and Cassian. He knew by the concerned look on his brother's face that Cassian too, imagined what could have caused her such painful nightmares.

"I'm sorry if I woke you." Her voice was little more than a whisper, rough from all the screaming. She seemed to sense it too and put her hand on her neck like she was trying to soothe out the pain there. Azriel tried to give her a reassuring look but she avoided his stare. She turned around to look at the few clothes discarded on a chair in the opposite corner of the room and he felt his heart stop in his chest.

When she turned around without another word he felt Cassian stiffen behind him as well. One of her wings was smaller and filled with wounds that looked like they could have been holes once, and the other had deep, long slashed, healed but the membrane there was thinner than the rest of her wing. He saw her fly, she shouldn't be able to fly with a defective wing and the wounds that decorated her other. And earlier when she had that argument with the male he hadn't seen anything unusual about her wings. But now it was so striking that it confused him to why he didn't see it earlier.

She seemed to feel their attention on her back and turned with a cold stare and a clean shirt scrunched in her fist. She tried to pick herself up, he realized, but the stone expression on her face didn't meet her eyes. The black in them seemed to have dulled out, the shine of mischief from before gone. She silently ordered them with a look to leave the room.

She outright ordered them, but he knew, and Cassian knew too, that it wasn't wise to sneak their heads into her business. Cassian was already at the door and Azriel was getting up when she spoke again. She seemed to have gathered some sort of sense of reality, and color turned back to her face. "Next time just put a shield around my room and let me be."

I deserve to suffer.

Her eyes seemed to say. Azriel just looked at her, trying his best and probably failing to not look a little bit shocked. Cassian pulled him out of the room and nodded at the girl once, his face expressionless when he said to her. "As you wish."

Something like gratitude and regret shone in her eyes, the way her wings hung low on the floor and the shirt she still fisted in her hand were the only things he saw before Cassian closed the door shut.

Something like pain seemed to gleam in his brother's eyes before he passed him defeated and entered his room. Azriel knew Cassian felt somewhat responsible for her family's death and the fact that that was probably the reason why the girl had these horrible nightmares. He wanted to say something to him, but Cass closed the door to his room before Az got the chance to open his mouth.

He sighed and hesitantly made his way back to his bed. He didn't fall asleep again and when dawn broke he was already in the fighting area, punching angrily at a punching bag.

#acotar #acowar #acomaf #acofas #azriel #az #cassian #cass #amren #morrigan #mor #feyre archeron #feyre #rhysand #rhys #lucien #elain #elain archeron #elain x azriel #elain x lucien #nesta #nesta archeron #a court of mist and fury #a court of thorns and roses #a court of wings and ruin #a court of frost and starlight #sarah j maas #sjmaas #sjm #sjm books

[expensivebooks]

A COURT OF FROST AND STARLIGHT REVIEW(SPOILER)

Hey guys!! This is so late but here’s my opinion on the novella of the ACOTAR series. I am currently reading Kingdom of Ash so hopefully I’ll quickly post my kingdom of ash review even though its a bit weird since I haven’t posted any throne of glass reviews but Enjoy it!!!

If I am going to be honest, I enjoyed this book. I know a lot of people was disappointed because it was all Feyre and Rhysand but I liked the domestic vibes A Court of Frost and Starlight gave. There is not really much to talk about for the plot because there was practically no plot (just shopping). But it brought nice and calm domestic perspective for all of the characters, which we don’t get a lot. Overall, it was quite an enjoyable book I guess? I wasn’t expecting much anyways. But let me say NESTA FREAKING ACHERON stole the book. I don’t know why but I felt for her so much especially in the last chapter.

“I painted and painted and painted”

This summed up all of Feyre’s chapters. Feyre’s perspective was nice but whenever it was someone else’s POV I was so much more excited to read it? It was probably because in every Feyre pov, she’s just talking about painting? I know it was a way of her to move on but it was too much. Does SJM really have to show us Feyre debating about whether she should paint EVERY SINGLE TIME? I didn’t really like all the painting parts, I just thought it was unnecessary but tbh this whole book was unnecessary other than telling us that there’s going to be a new series.

“And what, exactly, does this Band of Exiles plan to do? Host events? Organize party-planning committees?”

This scene. THIS FREAKING SCENE. This made me dislike Feyre, honestly throughout this series, Lucien was always a misunderstood character with no one beside him. Especially since the last book, he didn’t have Tamlin anymore, everyone in the night court hated him (he deserved that) and his mate rejects him. But he didn’t deserve anything of what Feyre threw at him in his scene. Honestly, what was Feyre expecting from him, to stay in Velaris and sulk while they all hated him? After everything he went through with losing his whole future, he finally found good people he considers as family and Feyre had the audacity to mock his new family and him? I was shocked and disgusted she could have Tamlin but I never had any ill feelings for him. Because he was siding with his best and only friend and they both had nothing without each other. The worst part is that Feyre knew that, she knows the deep bond they both have and know she’s shoving that fact in his face.

“Do you think she’ll forgive me?”

This scene was the first time I truly understood that after everything Tamlin never wanted things to escalate this far. He loved Feyre in a way that was toxic for him and Feyre, and it was best for him to let Feyre go and start anew. I am not defending his actions because they were terrible but I can at least say that Tamlin has a big heart. And while Feyre may have shredded it, it was his fault for his down bringing. Tamlin’s really just the ex that you feel sorry for really, every time I read about him my heart just moves a bit for him.

“But Azriel only took Elain’s heavy dish of potatoes from her hands, his voice soft as night as he said, ‘Sit. I’ll take care of it.’”

This was one of the weirdest things in the book. Strangely, SJM is kinda like shipping Az with Elain? Like what is that? I do ship them but I think Az deserves his own mate, but they still cute. Actually I really ship them but it’s just weird. Why is SJM confusing my poor shipper heart? I guess she’s trying to make a new couple where they don’t have to be mates? Or maybe I am reading too into it? Is it just me? Idk? Was I the only one expecting more from Elain? I thought by now she would at least stop being moody and actually interact with people normally. Not just coming in to politely say hi then disappearing but hopefully she’ll bloom and open up in the next books.

“You are over five hundred years old, she often reminded herself”

I had to remind myself that too. SJM butchered Mor, like wth what happened to our confident, sarcastic, fun girl? Her whole POV was totally useless because SJM just repeats what she’s been through exactly how she explained it in the last three books. There wasn’t anything I didn’t already know when I was reading her perspective. It was ridiculous and she had two chapters just to show her insecurities towards her father and Elis. At first, I was so excited to finally have a perspective of Mor but honestly I expected more than just a retelling of her story. It was nice when she flashback to her past when her father left her nailed and Eris just left her, but that was it. I am just disappointed that SJM didn’t go into detail of how she overcame that and became who she was. 

“Shattering”

I swear to god if I have to read one more sex scene from SJM where the word shattering appears one more time, help me God. Why is it shattering? Like I get it, they’re having sex, it’s great but wth? I already knew this series was practically fifty shades of gray with all the smut but this took it to a whole other level. At least the other books had some sort of plot but now Feyre and Rhysand can freely unleash their pent up sexual frustration. Half of this book was about them wanting to fuck each other, its well, not romantic in a sense. Honestly, SJM should just avoid sex scenes if she’s going to put words like shattering in it.

“The sex had destroyed me”

Well, that summed up about 80% of Rhysand’s POV because it was ALL ABOUT A HORNY TEENAGER. I get it they’re in love, but I don’t need to know exactly which walls or furniture they fucked on. But I got to admit Rhysand’s POV brought the practically non-existent plot- the Illyrians. I guess their building on to the next series and I am praying that Cassian and Nesta can keep it down and not be all over each other(which is probably not going to happen because their sexual tension is 10 times thicker than Feyre and Rhysand). I am also interested as how Rhysand will be perceived in Nesta’s POV as we only see him from people he loves.

Nesta. What can I say about Nesta. I’ve never felt so much angst from one character before. She’s hurt, dark and might I say jealous too. How she can’t express her feelings to just anyone and hates to feel vulnerable. I am very interested to see how her story will go, with training with the Illyrians to battling her fears and even falling in love with Cassian(she probs is already). For me, SJM did a perfect job of showing how people have different methods to cope with loss and trauma and she captured Nesta’s pain amazingly. I felt so much for Nesta that sometimes I hated everyone for just leaving her there to suffer alone even though they tried to include her. I could understand her because even though she’s Feyre’s sister, she couldn’t be like Elain, she couldn’t suddenly just accept her situation just because the war ended she need time to mourn for her father and herself. Of the life that was stolen away from her and Elain. Feyre did went through the same process from turning human to high fae but she was given her powers as a gift while Elain and Nesta was forced and taken from them and they were thrust to a surroundings with unfamiliar faces and things force on them(mates). So I’ll always feel more towards Elain and Nesta because they’ve both been through so much and they deserve the best. 

Overall, I’ll miss Rhysand and Feyre but this was a good farewell and a start to something new so let’s say our goodbyes to our amazing and strong couple to welcome a new one.

“To the stars who listen, Feyre.

To the dreams that are answered, Rhys.” 

#ACOTAR #feyre archeron #rhysand #cassian #nesta archeron #azriel #elain archeron #morrigan #amren #sjm #finale #2018 #bookish vibes #book review #books #life #acomaf #acowar #acofas