#don’t have anything else to put in tags rn I’ve talked so much today | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bibbawrites · 3 years

Text

Touch Me, Love Me - Alex Mercer x Willie SMUT (18+)

Request: yes, there were too many to copy and paste so here are main highlights from ones that werent just “willex smut” - Alex finally getting the courage to talk to Wille about wanting him to be more rough and then of course the smutty rough part. / it’s their first time together but they have both had sex before / Alex is the bottom and Willie the top / can they be vocal I can just imagine Willie be very loud / why is alex always the top i wanna see some whiny bottom alex

Word Count: 1406 words

Summary: Alex finally works up the nerve to admit something to Willie and Willie is more than happy to oblige

Warnings: gay sex, unprotected sex, light swearing, rough sex, reference to past luke x alex

A/N: you guys really wanted this so the anxiety of not wanting to let you all down is so real rn, so i’m just gonna post this before i start to hate it any more lol enjoy hopefully

Tag List: @happinessinthedarkesttimes @molinaroberts @joynersgoatblog @courageous-she @littlemissaddict @gloomybrieyxb @itsyagorlemmalyn @jatpxmultifan @moneybagmgk @emeliii1 @mybradforddream (the strike through means it wont let me tag you)

Alex was pacing when Willie poofed into the studio for their weekly movie night, where Willie had been catching Alex up on everything gay that had happened in cinema since his death. But by the look on Alex’s face, they wouldn’t be doing much movie watching that night.

“Hotdog?” Willie called, drawing the blond’s attention to him.

“I need to tell you something.” Alex blurted out.

“Anything.” Willie assured him, perching on the arm of the couch and watching as Alex paced.

“Luke and I dated. In the 90s. I never told you that.” Alex said after a moment. Willie nodded.

“I figured. You guys radiate ‘we were boyfriends’ vibes.” He admitted. Alex froze, spinning to stare at Willie in disbelief.

“Wait, you knew?” He questioned. Willie shrugged.

“Not for certain. But I knew something had gone on at some point.” He answered, and Alex resumed his pacing.

“We didn’t date for long, less than a year.” Alex bit his lip. “But we stayed pretty... close afterwards.”

“I’m not quite sure why this is relevant.” Willie frowned, and Alex too a deep breath.

“I’m ready.” He said quickly.

“For what?” Willie asked, confused. Alex bit his lip again.

“To sleep with you.” He mumbled, and Willie’s eyes widened.

“Oh, wow. That is not what I expected to hear.” Willie joked, his smile falling when he saw the frown on Alex’s face.

“What else is bothering you?” He asked softly.

“Wheneverlukeandiusedtohavesexitwasreallyroughandikindareallywantyoutofuckmeroughly.” Alex mumbled, so quick that Willie could barely understand a word that he had said.

“Alex breathe.” He instructed, and Alex took a deep breath. “Now what on earth did you just say? Cause it sounded like another language.”

Alex took another deep breath.

“Whenever Luke and I used to have sex it was really rough and I kinda really want you to fuck me roughly.” Alex repeated, and Willie’s jaw dropped. Alex was full of surprises today.

“You want me to fuck you? Roughly?” He repeated. Alex nodded.

��Well yeah... You’ve met Luke, I bet you can imagine how he was in the bedroom.” He rambled.

“Alex...” Willie trailed off and Alex froze, clearly sensing Willie’s hesitation.

“Oh god, did I go too far? We can just forget this never happened.” He said quickly, and Willie shook his head.

“No, Alex. You’re fine. It’s just... I’ve never topped anyone before.” He admitted.

“It’s not that hard, really.” Alex replied, turning bright red at his admission.

“If you say so Hotdog.” The nickname seemed to calm Alex, the blond finally settling down on the couch next to Willie.

“Are we gonna do it here or do you have some secret hidden place for us to go?” He asked.

Willie grinned.

“I know just the place.”

“Is this where you live?” Alex questioned, looking around the hotel room that Willie had brought them to. It looked like any other hotel room that Alex had ever seen, except for one thing. Where the door would normally be was a blank wall, closing the room off to anyone who couldn’t poof through walls. Willie shrugged slightly.

“Sometimes. Mostly I live at the club with the other dancers. But whenever I need to be alone I come here.” He said. Alex nodded.

“How did you find it?” He asked and Willie grinned.

“Honestly? I was skating down the hallway outside and my board caught on the carpet and I fell through the wall. Then I realised I was in a hotel room that for some reason had no door, so I just started coming here all the time. You’re the only person I’ve ever told about this place, let alone brought them here.” He admitted, sitting down on the edge of the large bed.

“I’m honoured.” Alex sat down next to him and they both fell quiet.

“Hey Lex?” Willie whispered, breaking the silence. Alex smiled softly at the nickname.

“Yeah?”

“I’m kinda nervous, about topping you.” Willie looked down at his fingers, his heart skipping a beat when Alex took his hands.

“You’ll be okay. Plus you know we can always stop if we feel uncomfortable.” Alex assured him.

“Okay.” Willie nodded. Alex grinned.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. So should I-” Alex cut him off by crashing their lips together and Willie gasped in shock, letting Alex take the lead for a few moments before he took control, pushing the taller boy backwards into the bed and climbed on top of him.

Willie’s fingers fiddled with the bottom of Alex's shirt, before pulling it off completely and kissing down his chest. He moved away to pull his own shirt off, kicking his shoes into the corner.

Alex kicked his own shoes off, watching Willie intently.

"Take your pants off." Willie instructed.

"You’re sure no one will catch us here?” Alex questioned, but obeyed nonetheless. Willie nodded, already removing his own clothes to reveal his naked body, Alex blushing at the sight.

"I promise, I don’t even think anyone knows about it.” He reassured Alex, placing a gentle kiss on the blond’s lips. “We’re safe here.”

“Okay.” Alex stuttered as Willie’s hand made its way down Alex’s body and rested on the bulge in his underwear. Willie lent in, connecting their lips again as he massaged the bulge, leaving Alex a moaning mess.

"Can I take these off?" He asked, pulling away from Alex's lips. Alex nodded. Willie pulled Alex's underwear off quickly, throwing them aside.

"God you're so beautiful." Willie muttered, scanning Alex’s body, his mouth practically watering at the size of Alex’s cock. "Get up onto the bed."

Alex obliged. Willie sat in front of him.

"How do you want to do this?" He asked.

"It’s up to you. Tell me how you want me." Alex replied. Willie bit his lip, thinking.

"Okay. Lie down on your back and spread your legs." He said, and Alex did it. Willie ran a hand down Alex's thigh and Alex shuddered. Willie laughed slightly.

"I'm gonna put a finger in, okay? Loosen you up so it doesn't hurt as much." Alex nodded. Willie put a lube covered finger in, his other hand on Alex's hip, drawing gentle patterns. After a minute he added a second finger, and after giving Alex a second to adjust he began scissoring his fingers to stretch Alex out. The drummer moaned.

"You like that?" Willie asked, adding a third finger, and Alex could tell he was smiling.

"Feels so good." Alex replied. Willie removed his fingers, grabbing the lube once again to pour some on his dick.

"If you think that was good wait ‘til we get to the next part." Willie jerked himself a few times, making sure he had enough lube, before moving closer to Alex, lifting the blond's hips slightly to make it easier, and then slowly entering the blond, both boys gasping at the pleasure.

"Tell me when to move." The skater instructed.

"Now." Alex whispered. Willie thrusted roughly, and Alex flinched slightly at the discomfort.

"Are you okay?" Willie asked, freezing slightly. He knew Alex had asked him to be rough, but he didn’t want to hurt the other boy.

"Yes." Alex replied, as the pain turned to pleasure. "It feels good now."

"Good." Willie said, thrusting again and beginning to set a fast pace, slamming into Alex. Alex moaned and reached down to grab his dick. Willie shoved his hand away, wrapping his own hand around Alex's cock, jerking it in time with his thrusts.

"Please Wills." Alex whined, his breath coming out in pants.

"Please what?" Willie questioned. Alex moaned loudly, his head falling back.

"Harder." Willie complied and the room was filled with the sound of slapping skin, of loud moans and swearing.

“I’m so close.” Willie gasped, slamming into Alex with as much force as he could, and Alex screamed out in pleasure.

“Cum in me, please.” Alex begged. “Please Willie, please.”

Willie moaned loudly as he reached his climax, filling the younger boy with his cum, and Alex followed close behind, his own cum coating their chests.

After riding out their highs Willie pulled out, collapsing onto the bed next to Alex.

"How was that?" He whispered. Alex smiled shyly, snuggling into Willie.

"It was perfect. Thank you." Willie kissed him softly.

“Next time, you’re topping. I can’t wait to have your massive cock inside of me.” The skater grinned and Alex turned bright red, biting down on his lip.

“Well…” He whispered. “There’s always round two.”

#alex mercer #willie nolastname #alex mercer x willie #willex #willex smut

49 notes · View notes

thespoonisvictory · 3 years

Text

“Techno and Wilbur make Cave Better” Key Conversations

Hi, so I’m doing a big Pogtopida Wilbur analysis rn, mainly of this stream, and I basically decided to transcribe all major events, conversations, and quotes for the masses, to reference during said analysis.

This was such a good stream to look at, and there’s some really interesting stuff to analyze, as Wilbur interacts with almost every portion of the story and develops his character in a really interesting way. I definitely recommend watching the stream if you want to understand Wilbur’s character, or at least read this. If you like to write meta, have fun with this oh boy.

Major quotes and full conversations are bolded for clarity, timestamps are added, and names are shortened when writing dialogue. If the character is not tagged Wilbur is the one speaking (W = Wilbur, TU = Tubbo, F = Fundy, S = Schlatt, and TO = Tommy).

“Hey Techno. I’m in a better mood today. I’m in a better- do you know I’m- I’m over fucking losing Manburg y’know.” 11.08

“The revolution is coming. the only difference is I’m not gonna be sad while doing it. I’m gonna be happy, while revolting.” 11.20

“Hey Techno, do you wanna see how over Manburg I am, dude? How over L’Manburg I am? You ready for this? *reveals Pogtopia skin*” 11.25

“That filthy, dirty, coat. I didn’t wash it once, I’ll be honest with you, Technoblade.” 11.40

*Techno shows him the farm, Wilbur is concerned but a little frightened by the amount of time he’s spent on this lol*

“First, I think, I wanna make this place look nicer, cause I won’t be able to work in this cavern if it’s just like, if it’s natural generation, y’know?” 14.33

*they join vc with tubbo*

“Tubbo’s one of the few people I trust, Technoblade. Like, I’m still figuring you out right now, but, at the moment, Tubbo seems to be pretty on the ball. He seems pretty keen on the whole spying thing.” 16.13

“See the thing is, Tubster, can I call you Tubster? Cool, cool. See the thing is Tubbony, I need help, today. Tubbo, do you know anything about super smelters.” 16.53

*they meet up in Manburg to go to Pogtopia, Wilbur doesn’t feel safe coming too close*

“Tubbo. You’ve lost the revolutionary gear. I’m so proud of you man, I’m so proud of you. We’ve finally moved on. It’s the next part!” 19.32

*Wilbur is visibly upset by Tubbo wearing the suit, despite it being a “disguise” and him saying Schlatt’s name, however*

“I was sleeping last night, before I changed my clothes, and I thought to myself, I thought to myself Tubbo you’ve done so much for our great nation.”20.17

“Have you heard of the Sunk Cost Fallacy?” *Wilbur explains the fallacy* “So, in that logic, I think you are physically incapable of giving up. I think you’re physcially incapable of giving up L’manburg. Because you’ve put in so much effort! You’ve put in so much work, y’know. So that’s why...” 22.12

*Wilbur shows Tubbo Pogtopia*

“Pogtopia isn’t a nation, as much as Tommy seems to think it is. We’re a commune, now. Don’t call me Mr President anymore, Tubbo, you’ve gotta call me, uh, Wilbs... In the commune, we’re all equal, we’re all comrades. We’re all equal” 24.24

*Wilbur compares them to Russian revolutionaries*

“Except with this Russian revolution, we’re not all gonna die. And also the nation we’re gonna make afterwards will not fail.” (oh god I’m sad) 25.15

*they talk about the super smelter, wilbur and tubbo are wholesome :(*

W: “Welcome to the commune, welcome to Pogtopia. Now, I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking Wilbur- Wilbur-”

TU: “I think it looks lovely”

W: “oh, see I thought you were gonna say ‘Wilbur Wilbur this looks like shit’, and I was gonna say ‘yes Tubbo, yes it does look shit’”

TU: “I mean, you obviously- I don’t think you’ve seem Manburg lately.”

Wilbur’s tone becomes serious, maybe angry “I haven’t seen Manburg lately. Why do you rub this in.”

TU: “What- no- I didn’t mean it like that-”

W: “No- I heard you man-”

TU: “No, it’s really gone quite in the opposite direction-”

Wilbur’s tone cheers up a bit. “Oh- it’s bad? It looks bad?

TU: “Yeah”

W: “Oh, that’s brilliant, that’s great news, Tubbo, thank you, I-, that means that when we go and fix it- let me show you...” 27.40

*Wilbur wants to add more people to Pogtopia, tells Techno to get more food*

*Wilbur talks about possibly exporting “Pogtopia Potatoes” to L’manburg, and poisoning them. This is never brought up again though and isn’t treated seriously*

“I wanna make sure it looks nice for when the gang gets on.” 31.35

*Schlatt joins the game, and joins vc. Wilbur is immediately panicked, telling him to make an alibi*

“How’s running L’man-Manburg going for you?” “It’s going great.” “Yeah, it’s a lovely place isn’t it, nice situation.” 34.30

*this continues a bit, Wilbur is very obviously not a big fan of this conversation. Schlatt talks about demolishing things. Wilbur’s tone is soft and somber*

W: “Oh- What are you demolishing.”

S: “The Elton John house.”

W: “Oh- that was-”

S: “I reckon we’ll take the rocket down as well, and maybe uh-”

W: “oh- ok”

S:“what is this thing, whad’you call this thing, Tubbo?”

T: “This is that cAHmrvan van”

W: *quietly* “the camARvan”

S: “The cAHmarvan?”

W: *quietly* “The camARvan”

S: “That’s a stupid name, I reckon we put a big apartment building right over it.”

*Wilbur moves away from his desk in shock, the conversation continues, Wilbur is shocked by the dress code being suits as Schlatt insults the revolutionary uniforms, leaves vc*

“Techno- I fucking hate him, Technoblade. He’s the fucking worst, you get it, you get it don’t you? He’s everything- he’s everything I cannot stand.” 37.32

*Wilbur talks about dismantling the oppressive government, and quotes Spongebob. They chat for bit, both misunderstanding anarchy dear god*

“One thing I really want to make sure of, cause as much as I’m still not entirely trustful of Tubbo, because he said it was a disguise... Tubbo said that he was wearing the suit as a disguise, right. Turns out that’s true. Turns out it’s the dresscode. So, Tubbo lied to me, which is not the best start for our political relationship, but y’know it’s cool, at least he’s actually online today, unlike- unlike one of my right hand men.”40.26

“Whilst I’m not entirely trustful of Tubbo, I would- still don’t wanna see him get hurt by Schlatt” 41.19

*Wilbur rejoins Schlatt’s vc. He’s still really bitter about being removed from Manburg. The whole Schlatt has diamonds in his furnace conversation happens. Schlatt asks where Niki lives, and Wilbur immediately leaves vc*

“Techno we need to get to the docks, this is your first mission under us, please comrade, please. armor. armor. We need to get to Manburg quickly, this isn’t a drill, this is first thing. We’re not gonna attack we’re just gonna watch, and then see what happens.”45.06

*Techno is mining, and Wilbur says he’ll get there on his own time before leaving. Wilbur arrives in Manburg and is disgusted by the apartment buildings, venturing in while Techno has no clue where Manburg is*

*Wilbur goes into Niki’s bakery* “I think Schlatt’s just mugged Niki” 49.14

“Which is why I need you here, Technoblade. You’re kinda my last resort.” 50.00

*Wilbur looks over Manburg and watches Niki, Fundy, Schlatt, and Tubbo interact. They join Niki’s vc, Techno isn’t keeping hidden well and Wilbur is stressed. Wilbur is trying to balance both of them and making all the calls.*

W: “Niki I’ve gotta go, Niki I’ve gotta go, I promise- I- look- if- we’re in too much of a hot position right now to take in everyone from every sort of like person we need into our new cave. So you’re gonna have to hold out in Manburg a bit longer. Is that ok?”

N: “Of course. I will.”

W: “Mm k.”

N: “Take care, Wil.”

W: “Thank you.”

W is obviously distraught at leaving her behind, but leaves vc. 55.05

Techno isn’t in vc, and Wilbur just softly goes “Comrade Technoblade? Is he- I’m on my own. I’m on my own.” 55.38

*Tommy joins the game and Techno joins vc* “I thought he was gone, no it’s Tommy. I didn’t think he’d be coming on, I didn’t think he’d- oh thank god!”

*they join vc with Tubbo Punz and Schlatt. Techno offers to “initiate order Kennedy” and Wilbur freaks out*

*Fundy joins vc*

S: “Fundy- Fundy- I y’know I wasn’t gonna do this so early into my reign, but I think you should have a promotion. I mean this is just such a good idea, this is just such a good idea.”

F: “You’re being very generous here Schlatt.”

W panics. “Don’t give him promotions, he’s too young, he doesn’t understand, he’s- he needs to learn more. No- he needs to learn more, I should know he’s my son.”

S: “I’m promoting him.”

F: “Wilbur, Imma need you to shut up for a second.”

W: “Don’t you speak like that to me, Fundy. Don’t forget where you came from, Fundy.”

S: “What’s the relationship between you and Wilbur, Fundy?”

F: *sigh* “Wilbur, he’s just a founder, and I was born here, and nothing else. It’s literally everything there is to is to it.”

W, softly and sadly: “You know that’s not-”

Schlatt interrupts: “See, it’s so great to have natural-born citizens of Manburg, taking the country direction into their own hands. I mean, I really over this purple stripe, instead of that ugly blue one.”

*Wilbur has hand over his mouth in disbelief and sadness

F: “I must agree.”

*F and S continue to talk*

W, seemingly on the verge of tears: “I don’t know who you are anymore, Fundy, I don’t know who you are anymore.” he leaves the vc and joins Tommy.

“I couldn’t be there anymore.” 1.01.36

*Immediately, Tommy tries to talk to him, while Wilbur is obviously angry and upset. Tommy is waiting for his command to burn down the flag.”

TO:“I’m stood here, by the flag with a flint and steel, Wilbur.”

W, panicked. “Tommy control yourself, control yourself, it’s not worth it.”

TO: “Do I take my shot?”

W: “Tommy do not take your shot.”

TO: “Wilbur he disrespected you!”

W, even more panicked: “He disrespected me, yes but we’ve talked about this Tommy. Tommy, if we cast the first stone-”

TO: “Wilbur, I wanna do it Wilbur.”

*now Tubbo shows up, holding a book*

W: “Tubbo, what is that book?”

TO: “I wanna do it!”

TU: “It’s, um, it’s nothing much, it’s not really anything worth worrying about.”

W, softly: “What is it. Why are you holding it.”

TU: “It’s- Schlatt has given me- It’s the papers Schlatt made me. Yeah, it’s what he, yeah.”

W: “Give it to me.”

TU: “Are you sure?”

TO at the same time: “Wilbur tell me now Fundy’s coming up. Do I light the fires of victory, of independence?”

*W is reading the book MANBURG TO-DO*

TU: “Uh- I’m gonna need that back”

TO at the same time: I could do with a clear yes or no, this isn’t a- as much as silence is-

W interrupts, suddenly angry: “Tommy burn that place to the ground. Burn that place to the ground and try to as many people trapped in it as possible.”

TO laughs

TU: “I’m gonna need that book back- oh- oo.”

*W throws the book back*

TO: “Wilbur do I kill your son?”

W, no longer distracted: “Keep him alive, Tommy.”

TO: “Again- I could do, I’m actually-”

W: “Tommy, we’re comrades here.”

TO: “Wilbur, take one look at Manburg, cause it ain’t no more!”

W: “Tubbo, take me to Manburg.”

TU: “Ok.”

TO: “I could kill Schlatt and Big Q right now.”

W: “Keep them alive, we need them alive Tommy.”

TO: “Can I just shoot em once?”

W, exasperated: “If you want.”

TO: “Yeah, I did. It’s more of my own self fulfillment.”

W: *sighs* “We’ve cast the first stone. Our little ravine is now, it’s now in a difficult spot.” 1.03.30

*Wilbur meets Tubbo at Manburg and they head back to Pogtopia*

TO: “The flags gone, and your son is corrupt.”

W: “I know he is, and I don’t need reminding of that, Tommy.” 1.06.30

*Schlatt joins vc and tells Tommy to leave Manburg, and leaves again. Wilbur tells Tommy again not to burn down the forest, and is legitimately upset at the idea. He says it’s the thing they’re fighting against. Techno rejoins vc*

“Tommy, if you don’t fix the mistake you’ve made here, I don’t know if you’re the best fit for Pogtopia.” 1.10.46

*Wilbur asks Tubbo and Techno if they’ve checked the forest, but they’re both busy*

W: “Alright well I’ll go and looking for the fucking forest, I guess. I have to do everything around here.”

*Tubbo and Techno protest.*

W: “No no no, it’s fine you two are doing much harder work than I am.” 1.12.37

*Tubbo and Wilbur talk about how Quackity isn’t happy under Schlatt, how he’s protesting a lot of Schlatt’s measures.*

“He’s a man who I thought, really cared about his nation, but, hey y’know, I’ve been wrong before.” 1.13.55

*the conversation shifts to Fundy, and Wilbur recounts what Fundy said, clearly upset. Tubbo is shocked by this*

“It’s ok, it’s ok, y’know, cause, it’s fine! I- y’know, bonds are formed in blood, not family blood, the other blood, the blood where you stab shit. Yeah, that’s where bonds are formed.”1.14.55

*Tubbo, Techno, and Wilbur chat more, Schlatt joins vc for a bit. Tubbo and Wilbur keep up the bit that Tubbo is loyal to Schlatt until he leaves. Tubbo says explained his absence to Schlatt*

“Tubbo, you’re- see with Technoblade, right, I have no doubt that Technoblade is on my side, right. Cause with Technoblade, with Technoblade, right, I know that he wants blood, and he wants war. Cause that’s how Technoblade works y’know. He just wants to fight and he wants to kill bad guys, right. Yeah, look at him, he a little libertarian- little anarchist, right. So here’s what I’m saying, right: you however- little, I can’t tell if you’re cozying up to Schlatt to help spy, or if you’re cozying up to Schlatt because you quite like how he treats you. I mean look, Tubbo, I’ll be the first one to say it, I didn’t always treat you the best, on L’Manburg, and I know I didn’t, I- I- I was somewhat of a distant ruler- I pretty much only- don’t agree that fucking excitedly, man- look I wasn’t the best ruler I know I wasn’t. Well I think I was a good ruler, but I, I- Tubbo I don’t know if you are just prefering his rule over mine, and I feel like I gotta win you over.”

TU seems to disagree, but says ok.

TU: “Well I’m making this farm, I wouldn’t be putting in this much time if I wasn’t.”

W: No I know, I know, but that’s probably what’d you be saying to Schlatt as well if you were doing work for him.”

TU: “That is- that is very- yeah that is very true, actually.” 1.25.07

*Tubbo says his excuse is that he was pregnant in the name of being transparent. They discuss plans for the farm, and the stream ends*

Wilbur, raiding Niki: “Now, Niki is currently probably the last person who I know is on our side,, who I know is definitely on our side right now. And she, basically, is just sort of trapped in Manburg, cause I can’t get her out, cause we’ve got Tubbo out that’s fine, but I can’t get Niki out for a while. She’s being taxed and she’s being watched very closely by Schlatt. More closely than Tubbo, weirdly, and Schlatt is just being a horrible person to her as you know. So I’m gonna need you to go over there and I’m gonna need you to give her some love. “ <3 1.31.52

#wilbur soot #dream smp #dsmp #dsmp analysis #technoblade #tubbo #tommyinnit #meta #long post #transcripts #this took so long my hands hurt

44 notes · View notes

thembo-for-anime · 3 years

Text

Hot Drinks and Cold Hands

request: hello bug!! can i request a one shot of tsukishima with a s/o whos parents are getting a divorce? this is happening to me irl rn :|. his s/o is making jokes about it (“lol do you think i can guilt trip them into buying me a pc???”) and they don’t really seem to care abt it too much. in reality his s/o has just had to put up with their parents fighting all the time and are just angry bc they’ve always had to comfort their siblings. maybe one day their s/o shows up to school with eyebags nd they confide in him abt how they had to stay up all night comforting their parents and siblings?? nd it kinda takes him back bc they seem so tired compared to how they usually are (laidback nd humorous). and like s/o just kinda admits they feel terrible?? angry at their parents for bringing them into their fights but sad bc they’re siblings have to go through it too?? sorry this is so long dhjdjdjdj. feel free to shorten it or just ignore this req since it deals w somewhat heavy topics!!! thanks :]!!!

bug says things: hi!! i’m so sorry that it took me DECADES to finish this but I hope that this is what you wanted!!

also warnings!! the obvious: divorce, parents fighting, dealing with anger, crying, cursing and if there’s anything else i need to tag lmk!

word count: 3.5k oops 👀👀

KEI TSUKISHIMA

You could hear fighting from downstairs for what felt like the hundredth time today. They’re already getting a divorce, did they really have to fight like this? Especially since not only you were home but so were your siblings. Not to mention, you had just put your youngest sibling to sleep but their yelling woke them up.

“Are they fighting again?” they ask, looking up at you. Nodding your head you see their eyes tear up and their eyebrows furrow. "I don't like it when they fight."

The way that their young face looked so grown with worry made you angry. Angry that your parents had no regard for you guys as they had their daily screaming match. Angry that they couldn’t even for a minute let the house settle and have some quiet. Angry that right now you weren’t able to just be a kid and they might not either.

“Me either, they’re just...they’re just not happy right now,” you say as you push their hair away from their face.

“Are they not happy ‘cause I did something wrong?” they ask, their small hands squeezing the blanket.

“No! No, no, no you didn’t do anything wrong,” you exclaim. “Here, scooch over.”

They do and you lay down with them. They rest their head on your arm and you wipe away tears with the end of your sweater. Some snot gets on your jacket from their nose and you wrinkle your nose in disgust.

“Eeeww, that’s nASty,” you say jokingly, causing them to laugh a little. “Why do you have so many boogers in your nose?”

“Well when a mommy booger and a daddy booger love each other very much-”

“You are not giving me the talk right now with boogers, absolutely not,” you protest as they giggle again. You smile softly at this small victory before your phone lights up and you see a text from Kei.

Dino Boy: hey u up?

Dino Boy: actually nvm i know u are

Dino Boy: i might be a good bf tomorrow and pick u up some coffee so what do u want?

“Is that Tsukki?” your sibling asks peering over you at your phone.

“Yeah, you wanna reply to him?” you ask as they nod their head vigorously. For some reason--you couldn’t figure out why--all your siblings absolutely adored him.

You hand over your phone and move to sit up. “I’m gonna check up on sissy next door okay? Text him that I just want a little pastry or something.”

But they make a noise of protest. “I don’t want you to go yet,” they pout and grab onto the bottom of your sweater. An idea comes to mind as they reach out their arms. “Carry me!”

“What? You’re way too big!” you say as they do grabby hands, letting you know that they weren’t taking no as an answer. You roll your eyes as you turn your back to them. “You’re lucky that I have strong leg muscles,” you answer as they climb on your back and begin typing away on your phone.

“More like noodle legs,” they whisper to themself, but you heard them and pretended to almost drop them in response. “Hey! Not funny!”

“Eh, it was funny to me,” you say as you approach the door as the yelling gets louder. A frown lands on your lips. “Plug your ears okay?”

Your sibling nods as they put your phone in their pocket and cover their ears. You open the door and peek outside. The yelling immediately assaults your eardrums and you tiptoe silently to the room over, which housed your other sibling.

“Are you really going to deny them Christmas with their own mother?”

“You’re acting like you’ve been such a saint to them, I exist too you know! They have two parents, not just one!”

Knocking lightly on the door with two quick knocks, one slow and two more quick, it opens slightly and you see your younger sister's concerned face before she lets you in.

“What do you want?” she asks, crossing her arms over her chest.

“What does it look like? Impromptu sleepover,” you say plopping your shared sibling on her bed. She just rolls her eyes and sits in her chair pulling her legs up to her chest.

“I’m talking to Tsukki!” your sibling says showing off your phone. This seems to pique her interest so she moves to the bed and watches as your youngest sibling sends gifs and messages to your boyfriend. Bless him for indulging them. They can be...a lot sometimes but you’re glad he’s been a good sport about it.

“Why is your boyfriend such a dry texter?” she asks looking at you with an amused face.

“Pfft he’s not dry, he just...he’s just socially awkward okay?” you protest as she fights back a smile.

“Okay, sure, whatever you say.”

____________________________

This is how the rest of the night goes. Trying to keep your siblings mind off of your parents screaming voices and letting them bother Tsukishima until they both doze off. You let them both have the bed while you steal a blanket and pillow from your room before coming back to sleep on the floor.

Which in retrospect wasn’t the best idea because waking up with a sore body wasn’t how you wanted to start your morning. You check on your siblings to see them both fast asleep, so you Mission Impossible yourself back into your room--with your phone--as quietly as possible.

You get ready for the day, knowing that at least you could get some peace and quiet in the morning. Both of your parents start work in the morning so they always leave early, but you wouldn’t be surprised if they had started leaving even earlier to just be away from each other.

It’s just- It’s so frustrating that they get to fuck off and leave you as a stand in parent. You’re basically still a kid and were you meant to just raise theirs while they got to get angry and leave in a huff? You didn’t make the decision to have kids so they shouldn’t be your responsibility...but you knew if you didn’t take care of them then no one would.

“Ugh!” you grunt as you kick a shirt that was on your floor.

Whatever, whatever, it’s fine. You try to calm down a bit when your phone starts buzzing. Seeing that it’s Kei you take one last deep breath before you answer. “Hello?”

“Hey open your front door,” he says as you roll your eyes playfully.

“Well good morning to you too, how am I doing? Oh I’m great, you’re so sweet for asking,” you say and you can hear him huff into the speaker.

“Okay, okay good morning now please let me in...baby it’s cold outside,” he says and you can practically hear his lips curling through the phone.

Damn him for being cute to get what he wants. “Fine but only in the good spirit of the holidays.”

You make your way to the front door and open it to see your tall tree of a man in all of his pink cheeked glory. You smile as you let him inside. “Aw is that blush for me?” you ask teasingly.

“Hardly, in case you haven’t noticed it’s freezing out there,” he says before leaning down to give you a quick kiss. When you pull away that’s when you notice the amount of drinks in his hands.

“You extra thirsty this morning or?” you ask trailing off as he shakes his head.

“No these are for-”

“Tsukki!!” your younger sibling yells as they rush him.

“He’s got drinks, be careful!” you fret but they’ve already secured their arms around him. You mouth him a ‘Sorry’ as the pink on his cheeks returns slightly.

“Hey short stack,” he says as he lowers his hand which holds a drink holder and four drinks, “Here’s your hot chocolate.”

They gasp and take it from him. “Thank you Tsukki!”

You can see a small smile creep up on his face as he says, “No problem.” He ruffles their hair a bit with his free hand and they beam up at him.

“You got the goods?” your sister asks as she emerges from her room, eyes basically still closed from sleep.

“Right here ya gremlin,” he says holding out her drink to her. She grabs it and immediately turns around to head back to her room.

“Say thank you at least!” you call out to her before she stops for a second.

“Yeah okay, thank you Dino Man,” she says waving her hand before going back to her room.

You shake your head before turning back to him, “Sorry, she’s usually only like that when she’s tired.”

He shrugs his shoulders a bit. “It’s fine, I don’t care,” he says holding out your drink to you and you take it gladly.

“Thank you,” you say smiling up at him.

“We’re the polite one’s,” your sibling announces proudly, causing the two of you to laugh a bit.

He nods his head as he leans down to them. “I’ve noticed,” he says before you usher them off to go get ready for school.

You grab your coat and meet him at the door. “Sorry for them, they’re a lot to deal with first thing in the morning,” you say, locking the door behind you with one hand.

“It’s really fine, if it was too much I’d tell you right?” he asks, gesturing with his own drink and swinging his free hand by his side. (Which is an invitation for you to hold it, which you gladly do.)

“I guess so,” you say as you lean into him a bit as you two walk. He pushes up his glasses and looks away but you can see the blush at the tips of his ears. You smile a bit before holding up his hand in yours to give it a little kiss.

“Ngk, what was that for?” he asks, turning to face you so you could see his embarrassed features more clearly.

“You have cold hands, I was trying to warm them up,” you say innocently but he knows better.

“Right, sure,” he says as you break away for a minute to pull out your phone and headphones. “You know you should really invest in some better earbuds.”

You look at yours which are practically falling apart, but hey! You had some tape holding bits together so it was ‘fine’ for the time being. “I guess you’re right. Do you think I can guilt my parents into getting me new ones?” you ask jokingly and he practically chokes. “Hey, joking, joking.” You raise your hands up and he shakes his head with a mumble.

“Here, let’s just use mine,” he says fishing them out of his backpack. You hum in agreement as he hands you one. Putting it in, you lean into him again and lightly shut your eyes letting the music wash over you.

Tsukishima's chest vibrates a bit, signaling to you that he had said something while you weren’t paying attention. “Huh?”

“I said are you okay? You seem exhausted,” he says as his eyebrows furrow in concern. For a moment his face reminded you of your sibling and for some reason that upset you.

You didn’t want him worrying so you just smiled and laughed off his comment. “Yeah, I just stayed up too late last night.”

“Are you sure?” he asks, clearly not satisfied with your answer.

“Yeah! We had a sibling sleepover and they kept me up for a bit.” He’s pretty good at reading people so you tried your best to seem more energetic than before. “Also thank you so much for the drinks, I’ll pay you back for them tomorrow,” you say trying to change the topic.

At this he scoffs, “You know when I said I was gonna be a good boyfriend today I meant it. I don’t want you to feel like you have to pay me back or anything.”

God could this boy be any more perfect? He’s so sweet--even if he constantly denies it. Sure, sometimes he can seem like a cold person on the outside but he has a big heart and you were so grateful that he trusted it with you.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” he asks as you realize you had been staring at him with heart eyes.

“I love you, you know that right?” you ask and his eyes widen and his cheeks flush.

“I- Well, yes you’ve told me that before,” he stutters trying to hide his face behind his hand.

“Good cause I do, very much,” you reply, bringing down his hand as you pull him into a kiss. The amount of heat from his face almost makes you laugh but you hold it in. Content to just feel his lips move against yours. When you pull away you can’t help but smile as he sinks his face into his coat a bit. “Did that warm you up Kei?” you as he rolls his eyes which show the faintest bit of a smile.

“Oh shut up.”

___________________________

You were able to get through most of the day without falling asleep thanks to the caffeine from your gifted drink, but you still couldn’t help but feel exhausted. And it’s not like after school you could’ve gone home to take a nap because not only did you have to meet up with one of your teachers because of your suffering grades, but even when you did get home you wouldn't be able to get any peace and quiet.

Leaving the meeting with your teacher--where you promised you would work harder--you emerged from the building to see your boyfriend waiting for you out in the cold.

“Kei? What are you doing here?” you ask as he notices you walking his way.

“What does it look like I’m doing?” he asks, “I waited since you’re coming home with me to study.”

“I- But- When did you decide that?” you sputter out.

He shrugs his shoulder as he pretends to think. “Around the same time I realized that I was the only reason you were passing your classes. So come on let’s go,” he says holding his arm out for you.

“Psh, you’re not the only reason,” you answer and he gives you a look as you hook your arm through his.

“Oh right, of course,” he says and chuckles a bit when you stick your tongue out at him.

___________________________

So the past 30 minutes had been spent working on your late work while Tsukishima helped you. But the longer you worked the more the page had begun to blur as your droopy eyelids threatened to close and not open again.

He took notice immediately and tried to urge you to take a quick nap but you refused. This was probably the only time that you would be able to get a bulk of your homework and missing work done.

Once you went back home all that work would have to be pushed aside so you could take care of your siblings. It’s something that has been stressing you out for the past couple of weeks.

Before, you’d at least be able to finish some of your homework at night but since your parents couldn’t stop fighting the minute they both got home, that quickly changed.

“Come on, I doubt you can even see the paper like that,” he says looking at your squinted eyes which you couldn’t help but rub.

“M’fine Kei,” you mumble leaning your head against your arm.

He rolls his eyes as he scoots closer to you, “Like hell I’ll take that for an answer. You couldn’t even form two separate words.”

You glare at him before turning back to your paper. “I’m really fine thank you for asking,” you say, tapping your pencil on the table. “How was that?”

“If I’m being honest, six of ten. You see, the average person would be fooled but not me," he says before becoming earnest, "Seriously, what’s going on?” he asks gently resting his head on your shoulder.

Now you don’t know if it was the exhaustion or the care that you heard in his voice but something in you broke--making hot tears run down your face no matter how hard you willed them to stop.

“Fuck,” you whisper and he immediately pulls you into a hug.

“Hey c’mere,” he says and you grab onto him tightly. He lets you sob into his shoulder as he holds you in his arms.

“I’m just so tired Kei, I’m so fucking tired. Of my parents fighting, of my shit sleep schedule, of taking care of my siblings. I love them, I do, it’s just- I don’t want to have to be a parent to them when I'm still just a kid! I’m just a fucking kid,” you say, your voice cracking against your will.

Tsukishima is the last one to know what to say to comfort people so he just holds you and rocks you back forth a bit. It breaks his heart to see you like this. He knew things were bad but he didn’t know they were this bad. Maybe he should’ve asked you about it more instead of let you brush it off. What if you didn’t want to talk to him about it because you were scared he’d judge you? Sure he was abrasive sometimes but never to you. God he’d never want to do that to you. He just...liked to tease. Maybe he had been a bad boyfriend to you.

“Fuck, I’m sorry for crying. I’ve just had a bad week,” you say as you wipe your tears and go to pull away but to your surprise he doesn’t let go. If anything he pulls you closer.

“Don’t be sorry I...I know that I can be...a bit of an ass sometimes but if you ever need me--and I mean ever--I’m here. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.” His face is now buried in the crook of your neck and you can feel his shaky breath on your skin. “If I ever made you feel like you couldn’t...I’m- I’m sorry.”

You immediately pull back in shock. “Kei no, you didn’t, trust me. I just- I just didn’t want to worry you. You have enough on your plate with volleyball and I just didn’t want to bother you with my mess,” you confess and he just leans his head against yours.

“You could never bother me,” he says and you laugh causing him to roll his eyes and add, “Not with the important stuff at least.”

“Excuse you, how to pronounce gif is very important,” you say.

“Nope, nope, no we aren’t getting into this again,” he says as he picks you up.

You quickly grab a hold of his shirt and he grins. “What are you doing!”

“I’m taking you to bed because you need to sleep and I don’t mind holding you for a bit longer.”

He takes you burying your face into his chest as a sign of resignation from your previous argument.

With you in his arms, he walks straight to his room and it’s only when he opens the door does he notice that you actually fell asleep in them. Besides the fact that that’s the cutest thing he’s ever seen, he’s now got to figure out how to keep you asleep when lays you on his bed. He opts to lay you down first before climbing under the covers to join you.

His fingers push the hair out of your face and he leans down to give you a kiss on the forehead causing you to cuddle closer to him. His heart clenches when you absentmindedly reach out your hand for his. He brings it up to his lips for a kiss as he looks across to you.

“Goodnight,” he says before adding much, much softer, “I’m so in love with you."

----------------------------------------------------------

Tags! @mixfi (idk if you were joshing when you said you wanted to be on my taglist but here it is!)

#tsukishima x reader #tsukishima kei #kei tsukishima #kei x you #hq tsukishima #tsukishima x y/n #gn!reader #haikyuu gender neutral reader #haikyuu gn!reader #tsukishima x gn!reader #tsukishima scenarios #haikyuu!!#haikyuu #bug's fics #WHEN I SAID IM WRITING??? I SAID ✨W R I T I N G✨#DAYYAAAM OKEY OKEY I SEE ME #but also am i posting it again at night because im nervous to post it during the day time??#that's a secret i'll never tell #xoxo

75 notes · View notes

cupidlakes · 3 years

Text

bulk answering some asks under the cut!!

ah yeah, this is a minor personal pet peeve but i never let it seriously bother me like, i think it’s fine to move onto new cc’s i don’t watch a lot of the cc’s that got me into mcyt all those years ago (cube smp/mcsg era anyone?) but i don’t think that means i’ve developed taste or anything shit happens and you just move on from people/interests it’s natural! yeah it’s kinda asshole-y to imply george is nothing but a gateway creator but if ppl genuinely move on to find new mcyters through him or anyone else on the dteam/dsmp that’s cool :) it does feel like devaluing him as a cc when people are snarky abt it like that but what can you do? if you don’t appreciate what he’s putting out then other ppl do and that’s all that matters, have fun with your new interest

thank you so much this is the sweetest!! You are so kind <333 i’m comfy i’m comfy :)

wow this is interesting!! but i have nothing to say i don’t necessarily agree with putting someone’s looks on the highest pedestal either talking abt objectives n stuff (personal taste is a thing) i think being like you’re attractive to me is enough but yeah i really don’t want to be so shallow abt things even talking abt someone’s appearance so candidly like this makes me uncomfortable (i get what you mean though<3) at the end of the day i like george for so much more than his face i always have!! i’ve been around since pre-facecam streams and i think him being cute and really growing into his confidence is an added bonus to all the lovely + funny in my eyes but yeah big vouch for wondering what the hell people think of “average” looking people omg... genuinely squicks me out to label and judge anyone’s appearance it’s just in poor taste to me and i don’t see why it’s permissible with george

sorry for being a bitch genuinely i’m like crying usually i just complain in private when stuff annoys me honestly i do but this is still my blog and if tagged accordingly (check my blacklist if you wish to avoid all future discourse-y stuff ^^) i can Complain abt people being strange

ahh no seriously vouch for having had a bad day i’m actually dead tired responding to all of these rn i had an awkward dinner at someone else’s place and a horrible day at work my social battery is so low so yeah same same. we’re in this together!! i think part of the reason i was so snippy and bothered is because the weight of existence has been extra heavy today the thread of comments also threw me off big time because the post itself was kinda eh. i was like whatever this is kinda rude but i’ve seen this song and dance but ppl genuinely ripping into george/george fans and being so assumptive and reductive? jesus it felt bizarre to read, didn’t appreciate it at all it felt very dehumanising

but i relate to all your thoughts and feelings i’m mlm so i am like. genuinely attracted to him (which btw my attraction took a lot to navigate if anyone was wondering) but most of all i just agree that he is really charming to me? that’s the perfect word i think, the way he operates and moves and talks so animatedly it’s just fun to see someone bursting with life and energy, george facecam streams are a treat to see him not only earnestly enjoy himself but play up to the camera and entertain using his full range!! he’s genuinely one of if not my favourite cc for so many reasons, he is consistently entertaining and a joy to watch

and ahhh that’s very sweet thank you thank you if literally anything i post on my silly blog puts a smile on anyone’s faces that means so much to me always <33 happiness and kindness are important to me and i always wanna share in that as much as i can especially in my interests thank you again and i do hope you’re having a better day! :]

#it’s abt my rant today which is the only reason i’m posting this under a cut forgive me!!#don’t wanna flood ppls dashes but i don’t wanna ignore ppl either #+ i realised i wanted to have a more lighthearted spin on all this #that’s all i’ll speak on it for today<3 but i appreciate ppls thoughts #i’m just veryyy tired #discourse #negativity #cw negativity

20 notes · View notes

notyobabygirl · 2 years

Note

hey loves!! so this might be a long one i apologize—

my bf has always had temperament issues. i’ve seen him randomly go off on his friends, his parents, me, etc. it’s something he’s acknowledged that he needs to work on and i’ve noticed it start to get significantly better in the past few months. i was so proud of him, like i know he’s a really good guy he just has a bad temper and can get dramatically angry sometimes. but the other night me and him got in a little fight, and it started over something so dumb that i really thought we were play fighting back and forth. until he got really mad and then i realized it wasn’t just us joking. he went off on me and we went our separate ways for about an hour until he called me to apologize and i went back to him. then yesterday i saw him go completely off on one of his friends we were hanging out with. it was a few of us and we all witnessed this poor friend get yelled at and told all sorts of things before my bf kicked him out of the house. we were all super confused and it was pretty awkward afterwards because we felt bad. but i understand the friend was talking poorly about my bf and is always kinda rude so that’s why he went off on him ig. so yeah like our fight the other night and what happened yesterday weren’t that bad. but then today me and him were out doing errands and stuff and we tagged along with some of his friends. and me and him were both in great moods having a good time. but i kept noticing how awful he was communicating with the friends and he just kept messing plans and directions up. so i kinda brought it up to him after we left them and i was explaining to him how bad at communicating he is and how everyone points it out. i definitely could have worded it nicer than i did but i wanted to get the point across to him. and he went off so bad after that. at first he was defensive and disagreed with me. but then it turned into him yelling at me, calling me names, telling me to find somewhere else to sleep tonight, he even started telling me i’m “irrelevant” and how i have no friends except my “buck tooth” best friend. he was being sooo mean. and it was just so much to deal with. we got back to the house and he’s tried to talk to me twice but i’ve just ignored him or told him to go away. and i made it look like i was packing my things to leave and he asked if i was and i said “what does it look like” and he brought some of my things down from his room and like threw them into my room. so idk what’s happening i’m so fed up. he is such a different person when he gets really mad and it just breaks me. i already texted my friend and she said i could come over for a few hours or stay the night but rn im just waiting to see if he comes back down to talk to me or what happens. because i really don’t like leaving on fighting terms without talking it out or coming to a resolution. like i can’t tell if he’s still mad at me or if he wants to say sorry because he tried to touch me and talk to me before i pushed him away. idk what to do because it’s like i love him so much and we have such a great relationship. but his anger issues just drive a wedge between us and i’ve seen it happen in his other relationships too with family or friends. he knows he needs to find an outlet for it but he just hasn’t gotten to that point yet but i’m so over putting up with it and being the one that gets hurt from it. like an apology and him telling me he’ll change isn’t enough for me anymore.

when someone has anger issues like this it can really change a person and the dynamic of the relationship. you get kinda scared to say things after ahwile and you start to second guess saying anything. my ex had pretty bad anger issues and before i always had to ask myself "is this going to be ok to say or is he going to blow up". since you said it has gotten a lot better of these past couple months i think he is just having an off week. no one is going to be perfect after they try to work on something, they are going to have slip ups. the only thing that you have to take note of is if he catches these slip ups and tries to get back to trying. your right, saying youll change is SO different than actually acting on it. you should have a very calm conversation with him and be like its not okay you lashing out and tell him you wont stay by his side if he continues to do so, not just on you but also his friends. just not okay

2 notes · View notes

normal-thoughts-official · 3 years

Text

With a little help from your friends (the help is praise kink and the friend is your boyfriend)

Who would have thought that fucking your boyfriend senseless cures dysphoria.

Alternatively: being a dom is actually something that can be so gender,

Fandom: It Lives (Visual Novels)

Pairing: Andy Kang/Tom Sato

Additional tags: let's see, mild mentions of transphobic and racist comments, Comfort Sex, the filthiest comfort sex uve ever seen but WHATEVER, dom andy kang, sub tom sato, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Dom/sub Play, Collars, Praise Kink, basically someone says transphobic shit and then tom rides him and talks about how wonderful andy is, except tom has also been in denial for a few days and he's super horny, and andy gets in domspace and everything is great and nothing hurts, Fluff and Smut, Humor, cuz u know these two are incapable of taking anything too seriously, Established Relationship, oh they're both in college and they go to the same college cuz i said so, set after the events of it lives beneath, that's it I think, trans author if that matters to you

Read it on Ao3

Andy isn't having a great day. It's not a terrible, clawing-at-his-chest-trying-to-deal-with-dysphoria kind of day, but he's been trying out this "not comparing everything to the worst possible scenario" thing his therapist has been talking about, so still, not a great day.

The thing is, he thought college would be easier. And it is, in a lot of ways. For starters, there is no evil monster spectre trying to kill him, which gives college at least 5 points over high school. And his uni has a pretty solid queer club, so he knows other trans people there. Some of them are even non-white. Some of them he even actually, truly likes. And most of the time, he feels like he has a place to turn to, and people to support him. He's not alone. He has people who get him. And that makes all the difference.

But basketball is still a nightmare, and his knee still hurts when it's cold, and winter is officially starting now.

People still hesitate to pass the ball to him, and it's frustrating, because Andy fought so hard to earn his old team's trust and now he's back at square zero. And well, Andy has been gaining this team's trust, because he's good, goddamn it, and his team owes at least the last three victories to him. He's not hesitant to say that, especially because otherwise no one will. And he can see that they look at him differently now - nod at him in the hallways, at least, talk to him in the locker room, pass him the fucking ball if his position is very, very open.

But if he weren't trans and Asian, he wouldn't have had to work so hard to get all of that - or well, just that, really. He has a full sports scholarship despite the fact that he had a broken leg, had to retake his last year of high school, and doesn't even have the body type for basketball. If he weren't Asian, if he weren't trans, his team would have assumed his greatness from day one. Instead, he has to show it to them time and time again only to get them to reluctantly admit maybe he's not bad. No one calls him "triple threat" anymore, but he still has to work three times harder than anyone else, and it's frustrating.

And usually Andy can deal with it, but right now his knee hurts, and he can't afford that because he'll lose everything he's worked for if his teammates know that his fucking knee hurts. So, he braved training and then he got the fuck out of there without even changing so no one would see him wince. Which means he's still in basketball shorts, which are short, in the cold, which means his leg hurts more.

At times like these, he's thankful he never got the chance to go through with his promise to break his other leg kicking Noah's ass. Because he would have, and then both his legs would be hurting right now, and two legs that hurt every time it's cold is just too many legs.

No comparing to the worst possible scenario, he tells himself. Therapy is so hard. If he had known there would be homework, he would have thought twice about going.

And that's, apparently, the cue for his phone to go off. Andy smiles, knowing who it is even before he opens the message, because only one person messages him during class, and it's the only person he wants to hear from right now.

Tom <3 sent you a message

Grinning like a fool, he opens it.

Tom <3: dude, im horny af rn. the fuck

Finally, good news, Andy thinks, smiling. Then he remembers why Tom is so horny, and suddenly this day is great, actually.

He quickly types a reply.

You: who wouldve thought that 3 days of denial would make this happen

Tom <3: ill have u kno i was very good at holding it together before today

You: yeah, dw. soon u wont have to hold it anymore ;)

Tom <3: that flirt was terrible, dude

You: said the guy whos calling me dude for the second time in this conversation

Tom <3: what else should i call u? 😩

Andy thinks for a second. Tom and him do longer-term denial every once in a while, but they aren't in a 24/7 relationship. Does Andy really want to go there right now? Yes. Well, that was fast. Okay then.

You: how about "sir"

Tom's reply comes fast as lightning.

Tom <3: Yes, Sir.

Andy smirks at himself.

You: uve been hoping that id say that, havent u?

Tom types for just a little longer this time.

Tom <3: Yes, Sir.

----

Many things are wrong with the world, and Andy doesn't mean to make light of the other things, but the fact that Andy can't simply go and fuck his boyfriend whenever he wants is definitely one of them. It should be, like, financial compensation or something. We're so sorry the school environment is transphobic, here, have a free sex pass. Sounds fair to him. But instead, he still has two hours of classes to go through, and Andy is a better guy than he wishes he was, so he tells Tom to pay attention to class instead of sexting him, because he doesn't want Tom to struggle even more with his course when he had already had to leave it once. God damn true love or whatever.

The point is, by the time classes are finally over, his day is back to not being that great; he's tired, and his leg hurts. He gets to their car after Tom does, and Tom takes one look at him, and says, "I'm driving".

Andy crosses his arms. "Why?"

"Because your leg hurts," Tom answers, rolling his eyes and taking Andy's bag from him and putting it in the trunk.

Andy looks down at his legs. He wasn't limping. There aren't any bruises. How the hell-

"It's cold and you're in shorts. I'm not an idiot, dude."

Right. Yeah. Right. Of course. Tom knows. It's… It's alright.

"Bad day at training?" Tom asks, slowly, sympathetically, and Andy feels himself settle in his skin a little bit.

"The usual," he answers, getting inside, and, as always, Tom gets the hint.

---

Their uni's dorms are gender-segregated because these guys have still not gotten the memo that people of the same gender fuck; and Andy wasn't willing to deal with cis college guys' bullshit, much less cis college girls' bullshit; and the uni wouldn't let him simply pick Tom as his roommate. So, they rented out a beat up apartment right next to it instead. It took a little longer to get there, but it wasn't a lot longer, and well, it was worth it.

Tom gets inside, still carrying Andy's bag because he's transphobic and unfair and had taken it and bolted up running so Andy wouldn't have a chance to argue with him. And Andy can't run after him with his leg hurting, which kind of proves Tom's point that he should carry Andy's bag. All in all, Tom is the worst, and he turns up the heat as soon as he gets inside and sits Andy down on the bed, kneeling in front of him to take a look at Andy's knee.

He's silent for a while, massaging his knee until Andy sighs and throws his head back, before Tom plants a little kiss on his knee and looks up at him. Andy's knee always stops hurting when Tom kisses it better. It's a little embarrassing, if Andy is being honest, but still- nice. Really nice.

They stay for a little longer like this, Tom humming and massaging his knee and Andy not meeting his eyes, until the question inevitably comes.

"What happened?" Tom asks, not letting up with the smooth movements of his hands, his eyes big and sincere with worry.

"Nothing. Just the cold. You know how my knee gets."

"I meant, for you to leave practice without putting some warmer clothes on."

Andy looks away. "It was nothing."

"Dude, are you expecting me to go, 'okay, yeah, that totally makes sense and I believe you', or…?"

Andy laughs, despite himself, and throws his good leg up in an almost-kick to pretend he's retaliating. "Don't be an ass."

"I'm not. Come on, Andy. You know you can tell me."

"It's nothing, it's just- Kyle-"

"Oh boy."

Andy laughs. "Yeah." But then he grows serious, "the thing is, he doesn't mean any harm, you know? I know he's not saying it to hurt me, and so that just means that, like... that it's true."

Tom's hands stop their movements, rubbing soothing circles around his knee instead. "What did he say?"

Andy doesn't look at him. "He asked me why I didn't stay on the women's team. Said that I could have an advantage, cuz Asian people are androgynous anyway, so no one would notice that I was taking hormones."

Tom just stares at him in shock for a moment.

"And I was like, 'dude, I've been on T for three years, I'm pretty sure they would notice the changes'. And he was like, 'yeah, but you still look like a lot of Asian girls with short hair, you could write it off if you wanted', and I just…" He trails off.

Tom waits in silence for a second, seeing if Andy finds his words, before asking, "Is Kyle, like, okay?"

Andy scoffs. "I didn't try and fight him, if that's what you're asking."

"No, I mean, does this dude have a screw loose or something?"

"He's very bad at figuring out what is or isn't offensive, yeah, but it's not like he really cares, he just won't go out of his way to antagonize me."

"No, I just- Andy, even when you were a little kid with huge pigtails, anyone would have to be crazy to see you as a girl."

Andy bites the inside of his lip. "You're just saying that."

"I'm not. It's just wrong, man. It was so obvious that it was wrong. Anyone could tell. There's nothing about you that says 'girl' to anyone who's looking."

Andy sighs, finally risking looking at Tom's eyes. There's overwhelming sincerity there, and Andy instinctively looks away. "I guess. Maybe. I don't know. It just got me thinking... Maybe T didn't change anything. Maybe I look exactly the same, maybe it was just hopeful thinking that had me thinking it would change anything, maybe it's just- pointless to even try-"

"No, no, come on," Tom says, and the interruption is so sudden it makes Andy look at him again, just in time to see Tom shaking his head vigorously. "There's no way you believe that. What about this bad boy over here?" He smiles, reaching out softly to caress Andy's neck. "You have more of an Adam's Apple than me, dude. And we both know you don't need T to be a guy, but thinking it made no difference is just crazy and you know it. What about those dry pecs? These broad shoulders of yours? Your voice, I mean, come on. You even smell different, man. How can it be pointless, if even your scent is different?"

Andy looks to the side again, but he can feel himself smile. "Well, when you put it like that..."

Tom gets up, but stays close, putting his hand on Andy's cheek, slowly, as if testing the waters, before turning him slightly to look at him. "Andy. Kyle is an idiot and a transphobic racist who's too damn lazy to realize how fucked up he is. And you shouldn't have to deal with that, and I'm sorry, and I will set him on fire."

Andy laughs. "You can't keep threatening to set every shitty teammate I have on fire."

"I can, because it keeps making you laugh," Tom says, smiling. Well. Andy can't argue with that. "My point is, you wouldn't listen to a word this dude says if it were about anyone else, so don't listen to him when he talks about you, okay? T or no T, you're no girl, and you don't look like a girl, and regardless of whether or not Kyle's dumb ass noticed it, your transition has been doing you good. Remember when your voice started to crack and get all weird? I've never seen anyone be that happy about it."

Andy laughs. "It was pretty awful."

"No, it was great, 'cause you loved it. Do you want me to pull out the 'before' pictures we took in case this happened? Look at yourself, dude. You fit so much better in your own skin, you know? And like, you've always been gorgeous, but-"

"Come here," Andy interrupts, pulling him down because Tom is standing and Andy is sitting and Andy is already height-challenged. And Tom goes willingly, carefully straddling Andy's lap and meeting him in a kiss. Finally, Andy thinks.

Tom kisses him softly, slowly, one hand resting on the back of Andy's head and the other draped lazily over his shoulder, as he usually does, all gentle and a little hesitant, and Andy is having none of that. So he grabs Tom's hair and deepens the kiss, bringing him closer until their chests are flushed together and he can feel Tom's hips mindlessly making little circles against Andy's belly.

They separate - or well, stop kissing, really, because Tom is still as close to Andy as physically possible, and Andy feels about ready to shoot anyone who tries to push him further away. Tom's a little breathless, and his hips are still making these almost imperceptible movements against Andy, and Andy realizes that he's still grabbing Tom's hair and that he's a little breathless, too.

Tom looks down at him for a second, as if debating something with himself, before saying, "and like, not to be horny during a serious moment, but since we're talking about the effects of T... Andy. Andy. Your clit. Fuck. It's so huge now, and it's got a visible head and you can fuck my face and everything, and I could sing it praises for a week and probably will if you don't stop me right now."

"Hmm, but I like it when you sing me praises," he smiles. "Keep going."

"God, I was hoping you'd say that. Do you have any idea how much I've been thinking about it today? I didn't hear a single word anyone said to me, all I could think about was you fucking my face, pulling my hair, making me worship you and beg to be allowed to suck you off, I wanna serve you like you're my God." Tom's hips start to jerk up, more visibly this time, shameless, and see, this is why Andy's been really, really liking this whole denial thing - Tom has only started to explore his subby side recently, a little ashamed of it to admit it to anyone, even himself. But when he's horny enough, he gets shameless and desperate about what he wants, and god, nothing is more beautiful than Tom when he asks for what he wants. He feels something growing inside of him, not sure if it's warmth or heat, but seeing Tom like that, wanting him, needing him, definitely makes him feel so much better.

"Yeah?" Andy asks, tracing a finger over Tom's shoulder, close to his neck, just to give him goosebumps.

"Fuck yes, I want it so bad, and you deserve it too, Andy… Sir. You're the best Sir I could ask for, I just want… Want you to use me, want you to cum on me, want to kiss you all over and worship you and pleasure you, you're so gorgeous..." He hides his face in Andy's shoulder for a bit, but his hips don't stop moving. He whines, "Andy..."

"Address me properly," Andy snaps, feeling the edges of worry clear from his mind and giving way to that wonderful feeling of clear-mindedness, of power, where nothing matters but his own pleasure. "And maybe I'll give you what you want, if you earn it."

Tom nods, hips full on thrusting now, and Andy snaps again. "Stay still."

And he does, immediately, without question, biting his lip and keeping his eyes shut with effort. Andy can feel his thighs clenching and spasming over his, trying to keep himself from moving, trying to be good. He hums in appreciation, but doesn't praise him for it, not yet.

"I'll get you ready," Andy explains, before reaching to Tom's hair, and starts to undo his bun, as slow as possible, just to watch him squirm. He gets so impatient when Andy undresses him, which is why Andy never misses a chance to drag it out.

He begins by removing Tom's jacket, sliding his hands slowly over his shoulders, then down his back, feeling the firm muscle there, digging his nails just a little bit so he can see Tom's eyes flutter in bliss. When the jacket falls to the floor, Andy begins circling the hem of his shirt, sliding until his hands are back on front, fingers just close enough to Tom's cock for him to feel Tom tense in his hands, so damn sensitive to his touch, so needy. God, he can't get enough of this, but he pretends that he doesn't notice, lets Tom try and keep himself together as Andy's hands slide over his belly, then chest, over the shirt, collarbone, wrapping and resting on Tom's throat just so he feels the threat of it, before Andy finally grabs the back of the shirt's collar and tugs, taking it off. Then he slides his hands back down, making sure to run a finger just over the sensitive spot where his pecs end, then lower, over his ribcage, belly, hips, next to the bruises where Andy had grabbed him the night before, then back to the middle, just over the bulge in his pants, and Tom finally breaks and jerks up slightly, letting out a little moan.

"Sir," he whines, "please, please, I-" Andy continues to circle the head of his cock with his finger, "please!"

"Patience," is all he says, before going back to his painfully light movements, imagining Tom's needy cock twitching under his fingers, imagining the effort Tom makes not to thrust up or keep begging for more, just because Andy told him not to. "You know how much I like playing with your pretty little cock. You said you wanted to serve me, didn't you?"

"Yes- yes, Sir."

He hums, noncommittally, not looking at him. "Good." He teases the tip of his clothed cock some more, enjoying the way his mind zeroes on that, the way he feels like he has all the power and the time in the world. Finally, he pats Tom's thigh once. "Get off, and take off the rest of your clothes. Get the lube and a condom."

Tom gets up, a little shaky, and does as instructed, while Andy reaches down to the drawer under the bed where he keeps his dick's spine and a few of their toys. He gets the spine, then adjusts his packer briefs so he can put it on - best purchase of his life, really, those briefs. So much easier to use than a regular strap-on and it makes the packer sit over his clit just right, making a little suction and pressure. Andy couldn't be happier that he was already wearing them.

Tom gets back with everything he asked right in time for Andy to finish making his dick hard, and goes on to put the condom on and cover Andy's cock in lube with the kind of attention that makes Andy hold his breath. Tom's so careful, yet eager, and adoring, about it. Andy feels like the hottest guy in the world.

Once he gets permission, Tom sits on his cock, slowly, getting adjusted to it - admittedly, Andy went a little overboard when he bought his first cock. Andy waits until Tom is fully seated, littering his neck with little kisses and praise for how well he's taking him, how pretty he looks, until Tom looks fully comfortable and ready to start complaining if Andy doesn't start fucking him in earnest soon. That's when Andy shows him the other item he pulled from the drawer - Tom's favorite collar.

Tom's reaction is instantaneous. He throws his head back, moving over Andy's cock as he lets out a breathless, almost choked moan; the hands he had resting on Andy's shoulders suddenly squeezing full force in his need.

"God, you're such a whore," Andy says, casually, and Tom nods, even as he flushes. The collar is just a simple black one, with a little hoop for the leash, but inside they had it engraved with the words Andy's whore, and it left visible marks that could be seen for a few hours after they took it off. It never failed to drive Tom crazy, so it always drove Andy crazy, too. "Stay still," he warns, and Tom nods, breathing heavily, gripping Andy's shoulder as tight as he can as he stays frozen in place. Andy slowly puts it around his neck, checking with his finger to make sure it's not too tight, and the second he clasps it in place, Tom's whole body relaxes, a content little sigh escaping his lips, his face slack and blissed out. He likes being owned, so much. Andy can't get enough of it. "Good?" he asks, just to make sure it's not too tight.

"Perfect," Tom answers, the words leaving him in a sigh. Andy then ties the leash to the headboard, making sure that they're just far enough from it that he'll be feeling its pull the whole time. Tom lets out a moan. "Thank you, Sir."

Andy smirks. "Now, here's what I want you to do," he says, "you're going to ride me, just like that, and you're not going to come until I tell you to. You're definitely not going to come before I do. If you come close, you'll have to tell me. I want to hear you scream, so make as much noise as you want. Do you understand?"

Tom nods again, almost dizzyingly quick. "Yes, Sir."

"Good, then get to it."

Tom doesn't need to be told twice. He starts riding him, slowly at first, trying to find the perfect angle for Andy - not himself, Andy notices, pleased. Once it's perfect, Andy orders, "faster, slut,” and Tom obeys, as always, working up speed as he tries to keep himself upright, feeling the tug of his leash with every movement, moaning the whole time. “Good boy,” Andy says, and Tom’s responding whine is high pitched, embarrassing, needy. He gets even faster then, starting to babble as he keeps on working, and Andy just stays casually in place, not having to do a single thing while Tom works to give him pleasure.

"Fuck, you're so perfect, did you know that?" Tom asks, quickly sliding down on Andy's cock, making sure he puts all this weight in the end so Andy's cock will press down against his clit just the way he likes, making sure to go as deep as possible, "I've been dreaming of your cock for days, god, Sir, nothing's better than this," he hides his face in Andy's shoulder, speeding up even more, thighs shaking with the effort, and Andy puts a fist in his hair and pulls, watching as Tom throws his head back and lets out a scream, working even faster on Andy's cock. "Sir!," he whines, "oh, thank you, thank you, feels so good, oh my god, please, I'm gonna-"

"No, you won't," Andy interrupts, "I'm not even close to coming yet. Keep working, slut."

"Y-yes, Sir," he whines, going faster, deeper, and Andy makes it harder for him, keeps pulling at his hair to expose his neck, litters kisses and bites on his exposed throat, grabs his thigh and squeezes hard enough to bruise so Tom remembers he's his, his whore, his toy.

"I love it when you get like this," Andy says, doing his best to keep his tone even, even as he's a little breathless from pleasure, from power, "I bet you want to come so bad, don't you? If I'd just give you the word, you'd be making a mess of yourself, coming on my cock right now-"

"Fuck! Yes, yes, Sir, please, I'm so close."

Andy smiles. "No."

Tom whines, so cute, adorable, and Andy is nice enough to leave a little kiss on his shoulder, grounding, calming him down. Before going right back to torturing him, "no, you don't get to come for a long time yet. I want you just like this, on edge, tasting it…" Andy grins. "Tell me how close you are, baby."

"I'm- I'm so close-"

Andy slaps him in the face. "You can do better than that."

"Fuck, I feel like I'm going to explode, I'm so close, I want it so bad, and you feel so good, God, you have no idea what you do to me, Sir, your cock is so perfect, it hurts, I need it- need to cum on your cock, Sir, please-"

"No."

Tom chokes on a moan, and starts to go even faster. He lets out a little whine, something Andy thinks was supposed to be a word, but doesn't come close.

"See," Andy says, "this is why I won't let you come. Look at you - every time I tell you no, you get so desperate, so obedient - it's what you want, isn't it? You want me to keep telling you no, you want to know your pleasure doesn't matter, that you're just here to serve me."

"Yes! Yes, yes, yes-"

"Good, then keep going. And beg all you want- I like telling you no, too."

Tom does. He begs, and he says thank you when Andy denies him, again and again and again. Thank you, Sir, thank you for using me, for putting me in my place, I'm yours, I'm yours. And he keeps on praising Andy, praising his cock, his body, the way he fucks him and uses him, no one else makes me feel like this, no one deserves to be worshipped and served like you, Sir, I want to make you feel good-... Until even the clear-minded state of domspace begins to crumble and Andy feels nothing but pleasure, and confidence, and power, and he cums to the sound of Tom praising him and begging, once, twice, three times, until his head is clear again and everything, even the need to chase his own pleasure, is gone, and he just feels perfect.

"Stop," he orders Tom, who's still babbling more and more incoherently, endless praise and worship, and Andy finds that he worships Tom right back. "I want you to get my cock as deep inside you as you can, and stay still. I'm going to play with your dick for a while, and when I tell you to, you can come. You did well today, baby."

Tom nods, suddenly struggling to use his words. "T-thank you, Sir," he says, already frozen in place, thighs clenching with the effort not to move and also shaking with all the effort he did before.

Andy coos. "Poor baby. You were so good to me today. Let me take care of you."

"You always- always do, Sir," Tom replies, and Andy smiles.

He gives Tom a long, slow handjob, making sure Tom stays still through it, enjoying the way his thighs shake on top of Andy's, the pressure of Tom sitting tight on his cock, the way his arms also shake with effort where they rest around Andy's neck; Tom's pretty, exposed throat all marked up around his collar, his breathless little whines as Andy makes sure to do it just the way he likes it, makes his cock turn red with need; watches Tom bite his lip, because when he has to keep still he becomes so quiet and needy, even as the little whines go through his lips… Until Andy finally says, "come for me, baby," and Tom screams through an orgasm that lasts almost a minute, hanging on to Andy as tightly as he can to keep himself anchored through the pleasure.

And then Andy holds him, and Tom holds him back, and they hold each other.

----

A while later, they've cleaned up Tom's cum so it doesn't get all sticky on Andy's chest, and Andy's finally taken off those damn briefs - they're great for sex, but get pretty tight when you wear them for a long time - and Andy holds Tom against his chest. He's humming, contently, and if anyone had told him at the beginning of the day that he'd be comfortable enough to have someone close to him while he's fully naked, he'd - well, probably assume they meant Tom, but still be skeptical.

"How do you feel?" Tom asks after a little while, finally opening up his eyes and saying hello to the world.

"That's supposed to be my line," Andy laughs.

"I feel great. Perfect. Next time, I wanna do it for longer. A week? Let's try a week. Or two weeks…?"

Andy laughs. "Let's not make too big of a leap yet."

"Fine. A week sounds good. Great. And now that we've established that denial is totally bomb for me, how are you feeling?"

"Honestly? I'm feeling great, too," Andy admits, playing with a little stray of Tom's hair, swirling it around his finger, "I think I needed that, a little bit. Who'd have thought that having you ride me and praise my cock cures dysphoria."

"Every trans top on every forum I've ever visited."

"Let me have my moment of realization," Andy mumbles, faux-annoyed. Tom just laughs, holding him closer.

"I'm just glad I could help," he says.

"Please tell me you didn't ride my cock just to help."

"Well, no, in case you hadn't noticed, I was horny as fuck. I just tried to, you know. Use that to give you a little push. Since you wanted to. Y'know. Also, it was all true. So..."

"Thanks, love," Andy says, earnestly. "I love you."

"I love you more."

They bicker about it, and Andy's smiling the rest of the day.

#it lives #tom sato #tomoichi sato #andy kang #tom x andy #andy x tom #it lives in the woods #ilitw #it lives beneath #ilb #it lives anthology #smut #i am back on my bullshit ig

9 notes · View notes

tsukkiboii · 4 years

Text

𝚒𝚗𝚜𝚎𝚌𝚞𝚛𝚎

𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕞 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙 𝕒𝕟 𝕤/𝕠 𝕨𝕙𝕠'𝕤 𝕚𝕟𝕤𝕖𝕔𝕦𝕣𝕖 𝕒𝕓𝕠𝕦𝕥 𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕞𝕤𝕖𝕝𝕧𝕖𝕤

pairings: oikawa tooru x f!reader | yamaguchi tadashi x f!reader | sugawara koushi x f!reader

warnings: insecurity about self worth

genre: angst ish? fluff

a/n: i’m writing so little these days :( i’ll try my best to write more frequently but like,,, a lot of things are going on rn :( and tsukki’s birthday drabbles wouldn’t show up in the tags and it sucks aSS >:( anyways i’ll proably try and repost it again but it’ll be really late ajhdjshds

but also y’all my last hc’s got like over 400 notes??? like hOw??? i love you all so much mwah <3

𝙤𝙞𝙠𝙖𝙬𝙖 𝙩𝙤𝙤𝙧𝙪

❖ it’s public knowledge that oikawa has tons of fangirls and im one of them and you’re aware of that

❖ and you’re usually fine with it, since he’s a volleyball player and they’re just his fans. it’s understandable

❖ you’re often attacked by his fangirls because you’re dating the man of their dreams :(

❖ but when this one gorgeous girl shows up you start to question whether you’re the one he would want

❖ that girl was everything in one package. beautiful, humorous, even his eyes seemed to light up when she approached him

❖ and for the rest of the day you’re contemplating whether or not he was still in love with you, or if you even deserved him. you start to question if his fangirls were right after all

❖ obviously, he notices that you’ve been blanking out more than usual

❖ he asks if you’re okay, and you keep telling him that you were fine, and he keeps asking you until you finally cave in and tell him that you just didn’t feel like you were good enough for him.

❖ he’s lowkey shocked and really confused because you’re so perfect in his eyes

❖ he assures you over and over again that you’re the only one he’ll ever want and need, served with a side of kisses and hugs <3

“yn, are you okay? you seem really off today.”

your boyfriend’s voice suddenly pull you out of your thoughts as you jump a little, surprised by the voice.

“o-oh! sorry, i’m fine, don’t worry about me!”

you can tell by the look on his face that he doesn’t believe you. he pulls you in front of him and asks you again. “yn, what is it? you look prettier without a pout.”

you didn’t even realize you were pouting this whole time, and you finally give in.

“it’s just... am i good enough?”

the question catches him off-guard, and he blinks at you twice before responding, “of course you are! more than good enough! did something happen?”

“the girl that was talking to you. i don’t know. she was just so pretty and perfect and your eyes lit up when you talked to her and i know i’m being overdramatic but-”

you’re suddenly cut off with a pull on your waist and a kiss to your forehead.

“yn, why would you think that? you’re the only person that i would ever want. you’re more than i could ever ask for. you’re the only person who truly knows me. they only see me as a volleyball player. if they knew more about me, they’d leave. but you know me far more than just a volleyball player and you stayed. i would never want anyone else.”

he hugs you tight and ever since that day, he always makes sure you’re by his side if he’s talking to any fangirl, as if to scream “i’m taken by this beautiful angel right beside me.”

𝙮𝙖𝙢𝙖𝙜𝙪𝙘𝙝𝙞 𝙩𝙖𝙙𝙖𝙨𝙝𝙞

❖ to be honest, yamaguchi is just as insecure as you are with his self worth and in the relationship

❖ both of you look at each other with so much love in your eyes but it also makes you so scared of losing each other, in fear that you’re not good enough

❖ to you, he’s such an angel. kind, cute, caring, everything amazing in one package, and sometimes you don’t understand why he would be dating you when he could be finding others

❖ and when a girl from his class starts talking to him more and more after class, you feel a really uncomfortable weight on your chest

❖ she’s just being friendly, isn’t she? he’s allowed to have friends and talk to people. just because you’re dating, doesn’t mean that he belongs to you and shouldn’t talk to other girls. you tell yourself that you’re being selfish, that you should give him space, and you do

❖ and he realizes that you’re acting off, you’re not smiling as much or talking to him as much, and he automatically assumes he’s not enough and you’re not in love with him anymore

❖ so neither of you speak up about it. if the other person’s fallen out of love, what can you do? it’s better to just leave them be, right?

❖ and subconsciously, the two of you start to drift apart more, both with the thoughts that the other person is no longer in love because you weren’t enough for them, when it’s completely the opposite

❖ finally, one day, he gathers the courage and speaks up and tells you that if you want to break up with him, it’s okay, only to be met with the most confused expression from you

❖ you two finally realize it’s all a misunderstanding, and promise to never keep these thoughts to yourself again

“yn, you know that you don’t have to force yourself to stay with me if you don’t want to, right?”

confusion clouds over your face as you look over at your boyfriend.

“i-i know you’ve fallen out of love with me. and that’s normal and it’s okay. we rarely talk to each other anymore, and i don’t want to hold you back. and if it’s because i wasn’t enough i understand-”

“tadashi, what are you talking about? why would i leave you?”

“huh? you don’t want to break up with me?”

“no! i thought you fell out of love with me and that i wasn’t enough for you anymore!”

“yn, why would you think that? you’re so perfect and amazing and i don’t even deserve you!”

you suddenly laugh, partly because of how absolutely adorable your boyfriend looked, but mostly with relief. “tadashi, i’d ask you the same question!”

relieved, the freckled boy pulls you close to him and holds you, the both of you relaxing against each other.

“can we promise to actually talk to each other from now on and not immediately assume things?”

“promise.”

𝙨𝙪𝙜𝙖𝙬𝙖𝙧𝙖 𝙠𝙤𝙨𝙝𝙞

❖ you’ve always been a little insecure about your relationship with suga. he was so supportive and caring and always did his best to make sure you were happy and always reassured you whenever you needed it, but you continued to feel that you weren’t putting enough into the relationship

❖ and every time he shines his smile at you and tells you how perfect you are, you can’t help but feel a little lump in your throat because even though your brain knows it’s not, you question deep down whether or not it’s just an act and he’s just being nice

❖ to be honest, you were terrified of the thought that one day, he might realize that you didn’t deserve him and leave

❖ and lately, those thoughts have been clouding your head more and more

❖ thinking that he didn’t want you around, you started distancing yourself more. cancelling dates, telling him you had work and refusing his help when he offered it

❖ finally, he decides that he needs to find out what’s going on and why you’ve suddenly started pushing him away, so he packs a full bag of snacks and knocks on your door, gently asking for you to let him in

❖ cheerfully, he tells you that he knows you’ve been acting off for the past couple of days, and if you didn’t feel comfortable telling him what was wrong, it was fine and he’d rather just have a movie marathon with you and try and make you feel better

❖ that was the breaking point. all your tears come flowing out as you tell him about how scared you were of losing him and how you could never be good enough for him

❖ and he just gives you the warmest hug while you cry, brushing your hair out of your face, waiting until you’re finished to tell you how perfect you truly are and how you didn’t need to worry because he would never leave you

❖ you guys end up having a movie marathon anyways, and by the end of the day, you felt like the most content girl in the world

“yn, can you let me in?”

you jumped a little, surprised by the unexpected guest. you hesitantly open the door, greeted by a kiss on your forehead, and let your boyfriend walk into your room.

“so i know you’ve been really off these couple of days,” he throws his bag onto your bed, “and if you don’t really want to talk about it i’m okay with that too. but i can’t just watch you be like this and not do anything about it. i brought my computer and everything and a bunch of snacks so we can just have a movie marathon and do nothing if that’s what you want to do. you cool with that?”

finally unable to bottle your emotions any longer, your tears stream freely down your face. he notices this and without saying a single word, pulls you into a warm hug and rubs small circles into your back as you sob into his chest.

“shh, angel. it’s okay. i’m here. i’ve got you.”

“i-i’m scared, koushi.”

“what for, angel?”

“that someday you’re going to realize that i’m not enough for you and you could find someone so much better.”

“but princess, why would i ever want someone else when i’ve got the most perfect angel right here? you’re gorgeous and amazing and funny and everything i love. and i’ll tell you that again and again until you finally believe it. you deserve the world and so much more, angel.”

you sniffle and a smile creeps up your lips.

“thank you, kou.”

“anytime, angel. you know i love you, right? and would never leave you for someone else?”

“mm. i love you too. so much.”

the two of you stay pressed together in a comfortable silence, until he interrupts.

“do you want a movie marathon anyways? the snacks aren’t going to eat themselves, are they?”

taglist: @spicyfoodboi

58 notes · View notes

entity9silvergen · 3 years

Text

Mosaic (Disenchantment Fanfiction)

Summary: We are just mosaics of everyone we love and that mosaic shows everyone we love how beautiful they are. Bean doesn’t think she can love like everyone else but maybe that’s okay.

Fandom: Disenchantment

Word Count: 2K

Characters: Bean

Relationships: Bean/ Mora, Mentioned Bean & Everyone, Mentioned Odval/ Sorcerio, Mentioned Zog/ Oona, Mentioned Zog/ Dagmar

Warnings: Internalized arophobia, first person pov, some self-deprecation, sex mention, drug mention, mention of interspecies relationships in fantasy setting

Other Tags: F/F, Mentioned F/F QPR, Reflection/ Self-Reflection/ Internal Thoughts, No Dialogue, Queerplatonic, Aromantic Character, Aromantic Homosexual Character, Arospec Character, Queer Themes, Unreliable Narrarator, S3E6, Oneshot, AroWriMo 2021

Author’s Note: My friend sent me the line “I am a mosaic of everyone I’ve ever loved” about twenty minutes after I watched “Final Splash.” I’m working on the prompt for Week 2 of AroWriMo rn but I had to drop everything and write a short fic about this. Again, I didn’t really use the prompt but it kind of fits with week 1’s prompt romo/loveless & future.

I’m headcanonnoning Bean as aro or demiro/ greyro. I think in the show it was implied she never experienced romantic attraction prior to meeting Mora because she likes women and I don’t want to erase that in any way but Bean still gives off a big aromantic bisexual homo(queer)platonic vibe.

_____________________

My name is Princess Tiabeanie of Dreamland and I’ve never loved anyone.

I mean, I love my dad and my friends and all that but I’ve never loved loved anyone. Is that weird to say? That makes it sound like I don’t really love my dad and Elfo and Luci and everyone. I probably shouldn’t say that then because I actually love them a lot. They’re my everything.

One time, I was walking down Elf-Ally and this elf was sitting on the side of the road with some chalk. I feel like elves would really like chalk but I’ve never seen any of them use it, not even Arto, except this guy. I’d never seen anything like it before so I asked what he was doing and he said he was making this mosaic to show his love for this other elf he liked. I didn’t really understand it so he explained it to me like this: we are just mosaics of everyone we love and that mosaic shows everyone we love how beautiful they are.

I still didn’t get it so I just laughed at him and he got kind of upset and threw a piece of chalk at me. It didn’t really hurt but Luci was with me and the elf started throwing stuff at him and you know how Luci gets when he hits his nose so we left. I couldn’t really forget what that elf said though.

You see, a mosaic is a mix of a bunch of little pieces taken from different things that all come together to make one thing. There’s this mosaic at the church and it’s pretty freaking ugly but the mosaic this elf was making was just so beautiful. He used so many colors and he drew all these little pictures and hid these words I didn’t understand in them. I’d expect it to be all crude and gross like those scribbly pictures Derek would draw when he was younger that Oona pretended to love but it all came together so well. It didn’t even look like separate pieces. It was just one.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it. The influences of countless parts of my life, weaving together into an insanely complex mesh- That felt like me. I always felt like something was broken in me but maybe I’m just a mosaic.

I think my dad made me who I am the most. Even if he wasn’t really present most of my life. Sure, we don’t see eye to eye sometimes but I think we’re better because of that. He made me strong. His actions guided me into becoming the woman I am today. He taught me how to keep fighting. Literally and figuratively. He taught me to keep my head up and he taught me how to stab people. It’s pretty cool. I remember this one time as a kid he took me out to the courtyard, stole this guy’s knife, and taught me how to use it. I think I still have the knife actually. I don’t stab people with it anymore though.

(I hope he’s okay. He hasn’t been the same in awhile.)

My mom… Well, I don’t really love her anymore but I did for a long time. She was… How do I put it? A constant in my life. Even though she wasn’t there. What I felt towards her, it kept me together for a long time. When I had nothing to fall back on, I always had her memory. Until she tried to take over Dreamland, obviously. Now I just say she gave me my love for alcohol and that’s pretty sweet too.

(I still miss her. I bet she’s dead.)

You know those pictures where the guy has an angel and demon on his shoulders telling him what to do? That’s Elfo and Luci, and it’s literal for Luci. And maybe for Elfo? He did go to heaven that one time. It can be kind of annoying to hear them bickering all the time, especially since they almost never want the same thing, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Elfo keeps me safe and Luci pushes me to be more than I am. They make life fun. Fuller. Less lonely.

(I’m scared they might leave someday. I wouldn’t blame them.)

I don’t really like Derek but I still love him. Maybe a little less since he tried to burn me at the stake. Maybe a little more since he chickened out at the last second. And a little less because he still went through with it. And maybe a little more since it was an accident. We have a complicated relationship but he’s still my little brother, as weird as he is. He reminds me of what I have to fight for, if that makes sense. I don’t really see him as the future of Dreamland or anything but he’s still a little kid and I can’t really help but have a soft spot for him. Don’t tell him I said that.

(I wonder if he’ll keep me around when he’s king. I’d be lying if I said I was surprised.)

The same goes for Oona. I never liked her but I think I love her. Especially after she tried to save me from my mom. And since she became an epic pirate. She’s awesome. She’s the mom I always wished I had except she was actually there the whole time and I didn’t realize it. I’m happy with how things turned out though. I don’t regret it. Plus she’s got great taste in drugs. I still steal them sometimes.

(I don’t know if she loves me. Maybe she did once but not anymore.)

I kind of hate Odval and Sorcerio in a weird way where I like them at the same time. They’re not really family but always been there. Like they’re kind of like second dads to me. Second dads whose the sex lives I know way too much about. My gay polyamorous uncles? But they kind of care under all that court properness and tradition nonsense so they’ve kind of wormed their way into my heart. They’ve always made my life difficult but I don’t think I would be myself if I wasn’t challenged so much.

(I think they’d rather have me gone. They don’t hide it every well but I can pretend.)

I’m going to be honest, I was really bummed when Pendergast died. We were kind of the same age and he hung around the castle for most of my life. And my dad trusted him so we actually did stuff together sometimes. A lot of adventures that never really went anywhere. He could be kind of a stick in the mud but he never really minded that I’m a girl and let me tag along on crusades and helped me get better with weapons and stuff. And Pendergast was weirdly loyal to Dreamland, even after Dad forked his eye out. Or was it spooned? I don’t remember. Some kind of eating utensil. I wasn’t there when it happened. But it was nice knowing I could trust him. He could be kind of fun though when he was off-duty. Total lightweight though. He threw up on one of those little guys who carries dad’s cape once.

(I wish I’d known him better. I really miss him but I can’t tell anyone since Dad gets set off by anything that even reminds him of the guy.)

Who else is there? That’s right, Mertz and Turbish. Turbish and Mertz. Two peas in a pod. Plus Mrs. Mertz. Don’t get me wrong, they are idiots. Totally incompentant. It’s a wonder they’re still alive. But they’re sweet. And they try. They’re not good at anything but they try. Sometimes I don’t want to try but they tell me I always can.

(I’m waiting for the day they realize they could have a better life. It’ll be weird not having them around the palace.)

I even kind of like Merkimer. As a pig, not a human. God, he was an awful human but he’s a funny little pig. He lets Luci ride on his back sometimes. Both of them like it way more than either of them will ever admit. It’s cute. I think they’re friends. If they’re not, Elfo and I will start plotting until they are. Or maybe not. A Luci-Merkimer friendship might be too much for Dreamland to handle. They’re kind of a lot, even on their own. Merkimer always kind of had a big head and it only got bigger when he accepted his new life. It’s actually kind of inspiring how happy he is now.

(I don’t want him to change but he already has. It makes me sad sometimes.)

And Bunty. Oh, Bunty. And Stan! The world doesn’t really deserve Bunty. Stan does though. I think they’re the ones who taught me what real love is. Bunty always showed me love as a kid, she was like the second mom I never had but actually did have because Oona was there. But she gave me something neither Oona or Dagmar could. I didn’t really understand it until I saw her and Stan and their family together. I still don’t. They’re really sweet.

(I’d give them everything. I know they just see me as some spoiled princess though.)

I want what those two have. Or what Odval and Sorcerio have. What my dad had with Dagmar or Oona. What Elfo’s had, and Luci’s had, and Derek’s had, and the knights have had. It feels like everyone’s had that kind of deep love at some point except me. I didn’t even realize until I was talking to Mora.

I’ve had the chance to have it. Merkimer, that brother of his I accidentally killed, that one time Pendergast made a pass at me, that Steamland guy… I don’t think any of it really would’ve worked out though. I’ve had a lot of things with guys and there’s been kissing and touching and I’ve always enjoyed it but I think I always knew it would never go anywhere. That it will never go anywhere. And I can’t even blame my dad because it’s all me. It’s always been me. And I’m okay with that? Maybe? I don’t think so but I’m not really good at understanding my feelings. It’s just another thing on the pile of things I won’t work through.

I think I understood what I had with Mora though. It wasn’t… romantic but it felt like it almost was. We just… clicked. It felt right. She was tough and funny and she didn’t hold anything back. She followed her dreams and didn’t let the world get her down. That one night we had together, I felt like we were alone in the world.

Mora gave me the ocean and the stars.

She was beautiful. Maybe that’s what was missing? None of the guys I ever screwed around with were beautiful. Not like Mora was. Not like a woman can be. I really felt like this was it but there was still that disconnect. Like something was there but not quite. Like something was missing. I don’t know what it was.

But then she just left. I had that dream and I just felt so happy. I’d never felt happiness like that. And I never felt pain like the pain I felt when I woke up and the necklace was gone. I definitely would’ve cried if Elfo wasn’t there. I might’ve actually cried a little bit. It’s kind of hard to hear anything when Elfo’s sobbing. Some of those tears might have been mine.

Did I love her? I don’t think so. Not like Elfo loved that boat. It wasn’t romantic. But it was real. It gives me hope. I don’t think I’m capable of the same kind of love everyone else seems capable of and that’s not even a slight at me. It’s just reality. But what I had with Mora, however brief and imagined it was, tells me that’s okay. I don’t need the kind of love everyone else has. Not when I have so many others in my life.

Still, I hope I see her again, even for a second, just to feel that kind of happiness again.

I think that’s what that elf meant when he said we are just mosaics of everyone we love and that mosaic shows everyone we love how beautiful they are. Mora was beautiful and she didn’t see it but maybe she would if she saw how I looked at her.

Stars and the ocean, I’ll never forget them. They’ll be a part of my mosaic forever.

Other AroWriMo Fics By Me, Posted on Ao3, Posted on FFN

#fanfiction #fanfic #arowrimo #aromantic writing month #week 1 #i am doing another one #oneshot #disenchantment #disenchanted season 3 #disenchanted netflix #disenchanted bean #disenchanted mora #i don't know why the tags are wrong #aromantic #aspec #aromantic allosexual character #queer themes

17 notes · View notes

boylebingo · 3 years

Text

fic writers tag

@montygreen tagged me in this ages ago but I have been having the nuttiest couple of weeks so it took me a hot sec to get to this, but I do appreciate it and if you somehow don’t already follow leila on here, you should go do that rn

now down to business :)

1) How many works do you have on AO3? only 3 at the moment!

2) What’s your total AO3 word count? 45238 as of today

3) How many fandoms have you written for and what are they? just never have i ever! although i’m sure there are a few unfinished, never-published, years-old stories from assorted fandoms from when I was younger floating around in the void somewhere

4) What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

haha well I’ve only got 3 published, but the number one spot goes to vanilla ice cream, which makes sense since it’s the only one i’ve actually finished so far 🙈

5) What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

none of them? i feel like the reason i often read fic is because there is some unresolved canon-angst that i want someone else to resolve so while i definitely have points of tension, all of my stories tend to end (or are planned to end) happy

6) What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

i think vanilla ice cream will still probably be the fluffiest bc of that epilogue i decided to write last minute, even once i finish all the others. but they’re all pretty happy 🥰

7) Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

not so far, though i try to make it a habit to never say never. I think its one of those things that’s really difficult to write well and I’m just not sure it’s in my skillset to do so. but who knows? maybe one day!

8) Do you write smut? If so what kind?

see above haha. it’s pretty much the exact same answer :)

9) Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I really try to answer all of them, although I know I missed a bunch while I was on a sorta unplanned writing hiatus. It’s only been a year of me posting anything I’ve written and it still genuinely baffles me that people not only read but also enjoy the things I put out there into the world, so every “thank you for reading” is from the heart for me and it’s so worth taking the two seconds to make my appreciation known.

10. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

no, thankfully! i think part of that is just i haven’t been around that long haha

11) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

i don’t... think so?

12) Have you ever had a fic translated?

no but how cool is that? i wasn’t even really aware that was a thing that could happen!

13) Have you ever co-written a fic before?

no! but if anyone wants to feel free to hmu 👀 i am super busy rn but i would love to eventually cuz so many of the folks who write for this show are so talented

14) What’s your all time favorite ship?

oh gosh. all time is really, really hard. obvi for NHIE i’ve fully boarded the ben/devi train, but some other all time TV faves of mine are ben/leslie from parks&rec, david/patrick from schitts creek, and josh/donna from the west wing. you might be able to tell i love a rivals to lovers moment from some of these lol 💀 but there are so many that i love for different reasons it’s like picking a favorite child lmao

15) What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I do have plans to finish the 2 remaining fics up on ao3, but I will admit, the rosy dot over the i of loving was... ambitious, and not exactly well thought out when I started it. so it may be a while. i haven’t started much else new since those 3 went up, since i’ve been trying to finish what i’ve started. but i have had this ben/devi idea rattling around in my brain ever since i read the book “the unhoneymooners” that I am just not sure i’ll ever quite get around to.

16) What are your writing strengths?

i like to think i’m pretty good at writing dialogue! in college, i took a creative writing class for playwriting, where it was drilled into our head that you want to get as much of the story as humanly possible out through words, rather than actions. basically my professors argument was that any stage direction could be ignored by a director if the action/object/setting/etc. wasn’t directly referred to in lines said by a character. so if it was important to you, we should make someone talk about it! i think because of that my narration tends to be a little sparser (but hopefully that’s to the benefit of the dialogue!!)

oh, and i also took a class in humor writing and got an A, so.... 👀

17) What are your writing weaknesses?

i think i could be a lot better at coming up with themes/symbols/metaphors/etc. Having not really planned out the WIPs on AO3 now, this was hard to do, so I guess that also goes hand in hand with my time management haha. But yeah I find it a little difficult to have those sorts of literary devices in longer works (i used to write a lot more poetry and it was a little easier for me in that format so i have faith that i can get better).

18) What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

i only fluently speak english and you do not want to see me butcher french or german, let alone a language I’ve never taken courses in. so it’s a hard no for me personally haha. that said if you know more than another language, first of all i’m jealous, and second of all, go for it!

19) What was the first fandom you wrote for?

i don’t really know! like i said i used to write things without publishing them anywhere, so it’s hard to remember. maybe harry potter, when I was like 10? i feel like i probably wrote the same self-insert hogwarts moment that literally every 10 year old in the late-aughts was writing haha

i know for sure there was a b99 fic that was almost published on ao3 back in like season 2 or 3? that’s why my username is what it is 😊

20) What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

i’m really proud of finishing vanilla ice cream. buuuut i am also really proud of the poems in the rosy dot over the i of loving and i think if i ever finish that one, it will be my favorite for pushing me out of my writing comfort zone.

Tagging: fellow benvi advocate and @gross-vishwakumar and anyone else who would like to answer that hasn’t already been tagged by someone else cuz i know i got to this a bit late lol 🙈

4 notes · View notes

neo-shitty · 3 years

Note

toffee!

hehe glad i could make you laugh, oooh that sounds awesome! yeah id love to be tagged it sounds great :)

YES the differences are so fucking weird. like, they do know they're the same age right? i feel like its just an exagguration of how much the persons role in the group matters, like we see chan being held up as such a mature, old leader while jungkook who is literally the same age, is still babied etc. like enha hyung line is basically the same age (if a bit younger) as chenle and jisung but somehow the rules are different?? as you point out, still legal but still bizarre. hehe yeah, i mean where else are we going to rant? quora lol. mmm, hopefully more people can just write less smut abt people who are barely adults

ah, no prob it didnt take long. yeah i think thats right (i keep forgetting you know my url lol) mmhmm :( i think if that happened irl there would be some major trauma going on. knock wood it never happens to you or me lol (/hj)

hehe same! oooh glad Redemption For Cheese was realised! yess we cant rllycomplain that theyve written/produced too much good music lol. yeah, ive dragged him into being a stay so *dusts hands off* mission accomplished. mmm yeah, they tend to have a certain vibe but tbh it couldve worked if they were any other group but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ahh ur one step ahead of me on the stages of listening to ssick i think, still not convinced but thats okay! hehe, it had to be said. yesss the itch in the back of my brain is very satisfied by sorry i love you, felixs vocals deserve to be appreciated! (side note i feel like hes trying to sing more like his speaking voice, sorta husky, but tbh i wouldnt be mad if he sang like in glow, his sweet honey vocals made my life lol. but i think ive heard him say he doesnt like singing like that cos it makes his normal voice less husky, so what can you do)

> YES SOMEONE SAID IT. seungmin rap KING, he sped thru that rap like it was nothing, he deserves more rap lines. i do like how they gave minho some melodic rap lines this comeback, my guy deserved to show off those skills that made him not be eliminated (flashbacks to stay collectively wanting to murder jyp) and we already know changbin can sing, my man murdered masked singer. hyunjin can obviously sing as can jisung and felix, and i want to hear chan rap more! i feel like he started as part of 3racha (as a rap unit not producing) and then just became a vocalist (which im fine with, but it could be nice to hear him flex his rapping skills) and was partially replaced by hyunjin. anywayyy

back to album talk. lmaooo sad music to twerk to PERFECTLY describes silent cry. yes secret secret is and will always be, a masterpiece. hehe glad i could make you laugh :) i just felt like they have similar vibes. putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised. oh my beloved track, red lights. ahh thats okay, we can have different opinions, but by god the lyrics are *chefs kiss*. *banging on table* TWISTED AU TWISTED AU TWISTED AU. yess id love to see ur take on it! sdfghjkl it would have been glorious

no no! not stupid, just able to predict my brainwaves. ooooh thats so cool! makes me want to go there (wherever there is lol) yeah the waves are pretty good here, but none of my familys a surfer, so we dont rlly enjoy the full potential lol. YES moving on to gone away, it is indeed a heartwrenching track, but the vocals and the bloody key change? makes me want to brave being sad just to listen to it. mmm yeah, good point :( i feel like ive just gotten used to overthinking so much so that it doesnt matter what mood im in, ill do it anyway, so might as well just do what i feel like doing anyway.

yeah i think ur right! it is quite comforting knowing that all the tracks will get the love they deserve. i feel like also people assume kpop is just one genre which is utter bs. there are so many different vibes and feels and songs, i couldnt get into kpop (of which i thought only the bright cheerful present day bts stuff existed smh) until i heard gods menu so... idk where i was going with this but yeah. :)

YES FUCK YG, theyre literally on the brink of being kicked out of the big three and they are holding their salvation hostage without letting them do ANYTHING. idek what thought process goes thru their minds but arghhh its so infuriating. yess lisa's cb will be awesome but ot4 is the gold standard here.

hehe, glad u could get to this point. no no! u dont sound like a cult member at all lol yeah, i loooove some of their songs but the whole 23 members thing is getting to me. thats prob a common problem with nctzens but what can i say? im a simple girl with a limit to how many korean boys i can give my money to. atm im just trying to get into ateez and finish memorising enhypen's faces. also kard is kinda sucking me into their fandom atm, as well as eric name lol. ah what can you do? ooh thats good!

hehe i love it too! its exactly like online penpals, that was rlly well put. aww ty! hmm im okay, recovering from a bad case of rsv so thats fun. im doing okay mentally, starting therapy soon (after having to convince my mother that its not just smth i can brush off). physically i wont go into, basically i should be doing stretches to help but they dont completely fix it so my lazy ass doesnt do them, plus i got told recently im going to be stuck with this condition for the rest of my life so thats fun! ah, before you type smth dw abt me ill be fine. the weather atm is cloudy but warm, its been raining on and off today which is good for the garden. uhh i just finished reading sunburnt veils and im in the middle of prom theory which is rlly good. ummm ive got a concert tonight? that i may or may not be able to sing in (bc of the whole rsv thingo) and uhhhh idk. my dog is cute? im drinking tea rn? ive got a school dance coming up?

wbu? hows ur day going, how are you? whats the weather like on ur end? done anything interesting lately? found smth that makes you rlly happy? just any random thing youve been dying to tell someone?

no no! dont apologise, i love these exchanges. i think im happy to continue them for a long time :) on the other hand, if you get tired of them, feel free to just not answer at any time. goodness gracious this was a long ask haha hope it isnt too annoying

<3 w.a. 🐺

sorry it took me a bit to reply, i was fixing my theme ;n;

yeah, i figured it was because of the roles too. my friends and i still get taken aback when 3rd gen idols are the same age as 4th gen ones. in my head it doesn't add up sometimes. PLS THE RANT AT QUORA SKJDK tbh tho it's just going to be normalized as the years pass? esp that the boys are growing older and the amount of explicit fics will just increase. i might have to start blocking tags.

i had to look up the previous ask to remember what we were talking about xd i hope the events in champagne problems never happens to anyone. realistically, it probably happens a lot. damn i really won't wish that pain on anyone. dragging your brother into being a stay i whEEZED JFKSA additional noeasy music enthusiast o.o and ALL I CAN SAY WITH YOU GUSHING ABT FELIX IS AHA WHIPPEEEED OML can't blame you tho, i also want to hear felix sing more in other shades (if that makes sense HAHA) i really hope they'll do the role exchange in the next comeback :( or like in the near future bc i know they can do it :( the day i hear seungmin rapping it i will respectfully pass away. minho was given more lines this comeback thank fUCK i could rmb my irl being vocal abt her frustration. i don't get why minho barely has center time/lines in title tracks??? like the line distribution in the past eras just made me ???? if seventeen can balance lines with 13 members why cant a group of 8 do the same? moving on. i haven't watched the stray kids show simply bc i don't want to cry HAJS but i've seen clips. imagine if skz debuted without minho and felix?!?!? i rmb another irl catching bias feels towards changbin bc of the masked singer only to find out that the man's a rapper. i love how skz's vocals were highlighted this comeback :c there were a lot of mellow tracks! i find it cute when chan sings/raps bc it gets kinda obvious that he's a foreigner? the accent (im not even sure if it's the accent) it just shows. "putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised." CORRECT.

abt the twisted au o.O i'll inquire my irl if she wants to write it or not. if she doesn't want to, i'll do it. i miss writing twisted aus <3___<3 and i also miss going to the beach with my friends :' ) but it's starting to get cold here and i don't think i'll be able to enjoy the beach as much as i would if i went beaching in the summer. so maybe next summer? gone away really has an sm-ballad vibe. the thing about skz being a self-producing group, their songs don't sound like typical jype songs? and i just appreciate that bc in all honesty im not a fan of jyp groups at all. PLS the overthinking. i wish i could mute overthinking.

anyone who assumes kpop is just one genre obv hasn't listened to a single track. if kpop was just one genre why do i like some tracks more than the others??? oh you've only recently become a kpop stan? tbh im not a fan of the bright songs of bts either. i liked their older ones *chefs kiss* really matched high school vibes. yg has good artists and they're just wasting the talent ~.~ that strategy they have will get tiring eventually. people will stop waiting on blackpink and move on to newer more active groups ://

HAHAHAH yeah the 23 members is pretty overwhelming! it was the reason i didn't bother stanning before quarantine started. i don't regret stanning tho, met my ult bias in that group <3___<3 i don't really purchase albums unless i like the tracks xd ohhh getting into ateez just in time for the comeback! let me know what you think about them! i was fond of them at some point but grew out of it. good luck with memorizing enhypen! it took me a while to distinguish to people there XD i haven't checked out kard yet but chan plays their songs during lives and they're sexc hype music me likey *u*

i had to look up rsv im sorry. i'm glad you're recovering! please rest more and don't stress yourself out. bro i wish i could go to therapy too bc i have weird issues i can't justify and i need a professional to tell me what's the reason behind it. stuck with what condition btw? what happened? i'm sorry in case i just forgot. yesterday was a bit rainy for me too :(( it's not the type of rainy that makes me anxious so B) oh concert! good luck and i hope you'll be able to sing but i also don't think it's best for you rn :c what's your dog's breed? and yes i just finished drinking tea too. AAAAA i miss school dances :(( the last one i was supposed to have was cancelled bc of covid.

i was less productive today and i'm teetering between being mentally stable and becoming a hermit again. i'm anxious with a lot of things atm so like : D not the best state. today it was a bit sunny but not hot hot which was nice. i changed my theme today bc i couldn't wait for sept. 1st. and no i haven't found anything that makes me happy HAHAHA shit like that's hard to identify. don't have anything to say too, i'm just thinking about why i'm procrastinating too much atm T_T and i'm listening to this rap song atm and one of the rappers sounded like han.

it isn't annoying! i enjoy the long exchanges but i do admit it takes me awhile to type down a reply. so if i get more busy, it'll prolly take a bit longer for me to reply.

#toff.asks #wild anon 🐺

2 notes · View notes

smallpumpkinboi · 3 years

Text

I've been working on my new wip a bit and wanted to post the unedited version to see if its worth committing to rn or if I should wait a bit

Huge trigger warning (They'll be all in the tags) but it's also missing a few parts so bare with me

Tonks looked down at the picture, the pale man had blood dripping from his nose, leaking from his mouth, eyes blood strained.

"Harry, it happened again" she shoved the file into his hands. He flipped through it, looking at the torched body, deep cuts ripped black robes, blood pooled underneath him, Harry was far too comfortable with the scene. Throwing the file onto the pile of similar murders he rubbed his head.

"Again?" Harry glanced at the pile, a high stack of grotesque pictures nearly toppling over, unsettling papers sticking out.

"Yah'' she sighed, this was the 16th poisoning ever since Voldemort's defeat. All people found the same way cases seemingly unrelated, it seems like his death brought the worst out in people. Attacks where becoming more frequent, suicide rates shot up and serial killers running lose. There wasn't enough people in the whole ministry to help build their world back together

"Got any leads on the stabbings" she picked up another file, thinner then the others but deaths just as violent.

"Yes actually!" Harry smiled "er well it's kind of a lead anyway but we discovered that it's not a spell that's doing the killing and whatever is being used is tainted with dark magic, like dark dark magic." He finished up, most dark objects were being confiscated but if they could trace the magic they could find the object and the owner!

"That's brilliant, keep it up and maybe we can put away one of these nut cases" Tonks said, relieved to finally have some good news. The war might've ended 6 months ago but it hadn't stopped the death eaters from fighting, people were still going missing, being kidnapped, killed. Last month they put away Fenrir for trafficking magical creatures, selling werewolves and seers to god knows who for god knows what. Harry picked up his file, tired eyes scanning the sheets looking for answers he gave a big yawn before turning to the next page

"You can go home you know" Tonks politely took the file from his hands, she occasionally caught Harry sleeping in her office and was getting concerned.

"No, there's too much work to be done" Harry picked up the previous file, turning the pages but not looking at the pictures.

"Hermione's not there, it gets kinda lonely you know? She's busy reading journals from last week's raid but lots of them are burnt up. She wants the piece together what she can, I mean she thinks it's some kind of dark magic they are talking about. Hey maybe it's the same magic that's in my victims!" Harry shot up, throwing the file back into Tonks desk and taking his,

"I'm going to go see her" he got up. "Coming with? It might say something about your victims too" Harry opened the door, waiting for Tonks to leave.

"Sure, whatever I can take" she looked at her watch "shit i'm going to be late! Sorry Harry but I'm going to have to take you up on that offer later, I have another meeting" she smiled rolling her eyes, being head of the Auras was hard on her but before Moody died he put in a request for her to be trained as his successor.

"Ill catch you later then!" Harry waved, running off, Tonks watched him disappear into the crowd. Harry had been a big help in putting away the death eaters, Hermione as well, but they were just children and would soon burn out. Tonks shook her head, a smile still on her face and both kids would do anything to help. Looking back at her watch she swore, swinging her office door shut and making way to her next meeting.

Rushing along the corridors she looked at the wanted pictures on the wall, most faces of death eaters others who used the war for exploitation. One face always stood out, the young rosy cheeks stood out against the hardened faces, the innocent life vivid in his eyes. She tried to keep Ron off the wanted wall for as long as she could, keeping him with the missing persons, alongside her friends and family but after a while and debate he was slapped into the wanted side, poster saying "traitor, found dead or alive."

"Oh excuse me! Uhhh- of- oh hi Tonks'' someone ran headfirst into Tonks, making them both fall.

"Hey Hermione'' Tonks picked the bushy haired girl off of her. Hermione scrambled, grabbing the fallen papers and tucking them back into her arms ``you know Harrys looking for you" she handed Hermione some papers, ink slightly smudged.

"Oh really? Good I need to talk to him, in some of the books I found the mentions of horcruxes and I think somebody was doing experiments with them, it kept mentioning the " devils fire" and " the others" I don't really know what it means but Harry has destroyed more then me so he's the experts." She said in one breath, eyes wide and full of curiosity. Her hair bounced down her back, papers slowly slipping out of her arms. "I'll catch you later okay?" She smiled, starting to walk off. "I gotta go talk with Harry" her voice waved as she noticed the picture of Ron. His disappearance hit her hard, she could barely go to the burrow neverminded talk the other Weasleys but she was slowly healing, she was even going over for dinner on Sunday. Remembering her previous task she ran off, being late for her meeting.

"Did you find my baby?" Miss Chang ran up to her, hope in her eyes. Tonks barely has walked into the door before the sad lady interrogates her.

"Miss if you'd sit down?" She gestured to the couch. She hated this part of her job but no one else was willing to do it.

"But did you find her?" She clung to Tonks robes as she guided her to her seat. "You found her right? My babys okay?" Tears welled in her eyes,

"We are following up on some leads today, I promise I'll let you know what happens okay?" Tonks tried to reassure the crying woman, she has had far too many "meetings' ' with grieving families and just once wanted to give somebody good news. Cho went missing in february, snatched away from her bed no one knew who took her or where she went but because they never found a body they are going off the motion that she's still alive, even if the chances are slim.

"Sorry I'm late" Tonks sat down at the head of the table, two auras where waiting for her full aura gear, ready to go out.

"Where are we heading off too?" He asked

"I got note of an abandoned death eater hideout, it was mostly used in the first war and was used for transporting hostages in the second. Cho was moved and I believe there might be evidence there, if not for her for somebody." Tonks said in a breath, anxious for her mission.

The door creaked open, noisily scratching against the concrete floor. It echoed throughout the room, a dim light lit up a cell, blood soaking the floor beside it. A table sat beside the cell, blood dripped off of it, an axe and blood soaked chains draped over each other

"Hey boys!" Tonks froze where she stood, the voice came from the cell, sounding familiar.

"Aura Tonks show yourself" she announced, standing up straighter. Hearing the rattling of chains she stepped forward, coming closer to the cell but keeping her distance. The man shook the door, proving it was locked and rested his hands on the bars, pale skin was covered in blood, it dripped off his long fingertips, falling into the huge pool underneath, dirt matted the parts of his arms that weren't covered in blood, building up under long fingernails. Tentatively making her way over she noticed the man moved, hearing the chains clanking around,

"Are you coming?" He mocked her, the chains moved again, clanking against one another. Angry she marched forward, and held tightly in her hand wanting to tell off this man for mocking her, but the sight she saw surprised her.

There he was, thick red hair, bright blue eyes, well over 6ft and silvery scars wrapping around his arm was Ron Weasley.

"Took you long enough" he spoke to the ceiling, he was lying on his back, legs raised up against the fall and arms folded under his head. Thick chains clasped around his wrist, connecting to the ground, he laid in a pool of blood, it coated the back of his head, drenching his dirty hair. He looked as if he hadn't taken a bath in weeks, hair covered in dirt making it black, his clothes hung from him, sticking to his body and smelling of sweat, his legs where exposed, all he had on was a pair of shorts, clearly the rest of the jean had been torn off, his bright freckles were invisible under the brown and red, large purple bruises covered his skin, cuts and scrapes alongside them.

He's been considered missing, no one really knows the true date he disappeared but he hadn't been seen since he left Harry and Hermione

#ron weasley #tw: murder #tw: suidice #tw: violence #tw: blood #tw: strong language #harry potter fic #yes this one is also Ron centric its all I know how to write

14 notes · View notes

blkjackals · 4 years

Note

could i have a request of akaashi + your favourite (emo if you want hehe) song rn? :O if that song doesn't fit akaashi then a simple request of bad habits one might notice of akaashi when dating? - @hqkeiji (hnng i love this man)

Pairing: Akaashi x GN!Reader

Title: Never Forgotten

Song: Sleep In The Heat by PUP

Warnings: bereavement, death of a loved one, loneliness, angst, mentions about dwelling on the past, car crash

WC: 1004

Tags: @aurumskyy @gulfwanq @the-black-birb @hqkeiji

A/N: Anything in Italics is a flashback, Song lyrics are bolded and italicized. I rlly went and did it here eh?

☼

"I was feeling a little bizarre

The day that I buried my family car

In the scrap metal wrecking yard”

“And I've said so many goodbyes

In the twenty-five years that I've been alive

And I don't know why this one was so hard”

☼

Keji remembers that day like it was just last week. The day he lost the love of his life.

He had been working at his desk the whole day, and knew full well that he’d be coming home to an empty house since you were driving back home to visit your family. Yet, when his phone rang at 5pm and it was the cops calling, his heart almost instantly started pounding.

“Is this Keiji Akaashi?”

“Yes, who am I speaking with?”

“I’m from the Sendai City Hospital. We just admitted y/n l/n. She has been in a car crash and will not survive.”

Suddenly his world came crashing down on him. He felt his hands shake as he held his phone to his ear. His breathing sped up, and everything started to swim around him.

Even today, one year afterwards, he still hasn’t gotten over it.

☼

“And every time when I go back to my apartment

All I wanna do is get stoned

And I'm sick and tired of blacking out on my carpet

And waking up all on my own so I brought you home”

“You started falling apart

Six months after you moved in

And I should have known from the start

That things would be different”

“It's not something that I can fix

If I could do anything, you know I would

If this fucking vacation would come to an end

Maybe then you'd be normal again”

☼

He came home every night to an empty apartment. Silence reigning through it as he pours himself a glass of wine and sits down at the table. He knows in his heart that the spot you left in his life would never be filled. As he fidgets with his wedding ring, eyes dancing along the portraits on the walls of what used to be his shared apartment with you.

Nothing has changed since you passed. Keiji hadn’t changed a single part of his routine, other than adding a few moments at night to remember you and honour your memory. He had bad days and good ones, but he always got hung up on his “What If’s”.

What if he had come with you? What if your family came out here? Why didn’t he say “I love you” to you that morning? Why had you two been fighting over such a small petty thing? What would he have done if you had survived?

☼

“Last week, when I went back to my apartment

You were looking so stoned

The day after Christmas, you acted so different

You just wanted to be on your own

So I bought you medicine, went to the vet and

Cashed all of my savings and loans

But it was too late, you were letting go”

☼

When he got back to his house after visiting you in the hospital, he instantly fell to his knees inside the door. Bokuto had driven him out to see you since he knew he couldn’t drive himself in the state he was in. A scream rips out of his throat as he sobs, his whole body shaking as Bokuto picks him up and puts him on the couch before getting him a glass of water.

He almost instantly reaches for his phone, pulling up his favorite picture of you, as he fights to see past his sobs. He wanted you to be okay, but he knew you wouldn’t make it. Somewhere deep in his heart, he knew it fully. You wouldn’t be coming back to him.

☼

“And nothing I say will make it okay

You just sleep in the heat and repeat

You're wasting away

And nothing I do is gonna save you

I'm trying my best, but you can't even

Look at me or talk to me or tell me what's happening to you”

“Yesterday, I went back to my apartment

To see how you've been holding up

You hadn't been eating, I thought you were sleeping, but

You're not waking up

And I want you to know that I'd spend every bit of my

Pitiful savings and loans

Just to see you again

But I know I won't”

☼

Standing in the doorway of the hospital room he stares at you intensely. You looked broken, almost. Dead, even though you were barely awake. When he hears you speak his name he rushes to your side, gently grabbing your hand.

“I’m here, y/n.”

“Keiji, I'm not going to make it.” You say bluntly, squeezing his hand before pressing your wedding ring to his palm. He bites his lip but nods, knowing full well that you’re being truthful. The chances of you surviving are so slim he doesn’t even want to consider you living through this, despite how bad it makes him feel.

“I love you so much, baby. I’ll love you forever. Until the day I join you, okay?” He sounds desperate, and he really is. He wants you to know full well that he’ll never meet someone else that he’ll click with like you. He loves you with his whole heart, and it feels like it's breaking right now.

“I love you too, sweetheart.” You whisper back, smiling as he presses a soft kiss to your lips. You squeeze his hand ever so lightly and he smiles back at you, but you can tell it's broken. He doesn’t want this, but he has to accept this.

It doesn’t take long for him to be ushered out of the room by staff, turning around to yell at you.

“You’re the only one for me, y/n. Until i see you again in our next life, Soulmate!”

You laugh faintly at that, as you close your eyes for the last time, hoping to see him again in your next life.

#day writes #haikyuuwritersnet #akaashi keiji #keiji akaashi #akaashi angst #akaashi x reader #akaashi x reader angst #akaashi keiji x reader #haikyuu writing #haikyuu angst #haikyuu songfic

46 notes · View notes

thefairygodmotheryoudeserve · 4 years

Text

Thank You, Dear Last Night’s Mental Breakdown.

| Barista!Han Jisung Au |

💌 Requested? Yes -- @jone-00

🌸 Genre: Fluff, a hint of a hint of Angst. As much angst as a Strawberry flavored La Croix has Strawberry.

✏️ Word Count: 2,600

!GIFS ARE NOT MINE!

T/W: Mentions of a mental breakdown, doesn’t go into detail.

A/N: Get ready, you bean. We about to enter some emotional and fluffy territory. Bring yo shades-- to look cool AND to make sure people can’t see you crying.

Also I’m sorry if this secretly sucks and I have no idea. Leave your thoughts so I can improve and know what’s good and what isn’t! I read all feedback and they all are important to me! <3

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You breathe out, the light sunshine kissing your lashes as your eyes flutter open. The buzz of your alarm fills the air.

Your eyes glide softly to the dress you hung up on your bedroom doorknob. The early sunrise sets the warm shadows of your room across the lightly pleated skirt. The fabric’s rosy pastel-pink hues are cast onto the white paint of your door.

You breath in, and out again. Let’s begin.

You had a mental breakdown the night before. They aren’t an irregular thing for you, but you wish badly they are. After crying, trembling, and crumbling slowly for hours, you stopped suddenly. You clenched your fists and stared, determined, into your very own eyes through that mirror.

I’m not going to let you fall apart like this anymore. I can’t-- I won’t.

So you stood up, breathing shakily. Scared, you started making preparations for what you were determined to be a better tomorrow.

What can I do that would make my younger self proud? You jot down ideas that would suddenly come to you as you set clothes out, put trash in a bin, and tried your best to write reminders.

“Making your younger self proud” has always been a way to measure how happy you are with where you’re at in life. You saw it in a newspaper, or maybe your mother heard it-- it might have even been a popular Tumblr text post, who knows! You just know it’s been your compass to point you in the right direction for about three years now.

You have an emotional attachment to the things you went through as a child, and if you could go back in time and just hold her, and tell her everything would be okay, you would. Doing things that would make younger-you smile is your way of doing that.

I’ll go to the cafe in a pretty dress that makes me feel happy, you wrote carefully. You remembered as a child dreaming about romantic cafes and old books. You sighed, releasing pent up air, feeling your muscles relax, little by little. If I did that, I think that would make my younger self proud...

By the time you made it to your bed that night, it was only 9:12pm. You fell down in your bed and closed your eyes, feeling your space. Your favorite-but-forgotten dress that now hung there on your door; the sneakers you once bought yourself and have finally decided to wear; the alarm clock that, for the first time in three years, was set for 6:00am; and a notebook full of ideas to return to the person you never were but always wanted to be, that sits on your bedside table.

You fell asleep, muscles relaxing. You, melting into your bed, almost becoming one with it.

* * *

Fast forward to where we started-- you are sitting upright in bed and staring at your dress. It seems to stare right back at you. Can you really do this, Y/N?

“Can I do this?”

Yes. I will.

You swing your legs over your bed, and you feel the fear begin to fall away like an old skin being shed from a new body. Suddenly, you feel light and happy, slipping on the bright-white wedge sneakers. The dress glides down your body, the fabric sending shivers up your spine as it falls into place.

As you pull the zipper up the side of your torso. you think about what you’re going to order when you get to the cafe. I haven’t been there since my mother came to the university to drop me off. I miss her... what did she order that day? I hope I can remember once I get there.

* * *

The jingle of tiny bells above the door tickles your ears as you swing the glass door open. The cafe is mostly empty, other than a mother and her child quietly sitting in a booth by the window. Succulents and aged books lined hanging shelves on either side of the room. The hanging lights gave the cafe a soft industrial feel, and the glass pastry displays made the room that much sweeter. Mom had chosen this cafe because she said it felt like a secret place that only few knew about... She liked how special it felt because of that. You smile softly at the thought of your mother. I think ill come here more often. I miss her.

A boy from behind the counter snaps his head up to look at you, his blond bangs tossing lightly as he does so. “W.. would you like something?”

You snap out of your daze and realize how long you’ve been just standing there in the doorway, staring at everything. You lock eyes with the boy.

“Oh! Uh-- yeah, I’m sorry! Ahm...” You stutter.

“Don’t worry about it!” He waves it off.

You brush your hair behind your ears and walk to the counter. You quickly read his name tag. Jisung.

His bright smile puts you at a light and airy ease. Maybe I wasn’t as awkward as I thought I was being...?

“Have you been here before...?” He tilted his head to the side like a little kid, eyebrows raised curiously.

Wow. That was attractive.

“Um, kind of... i’ve only been here once. When my brother-- mother!-- brought me... yeah, haha..”

Sparkling conversationalist.

...Wait-- don’t insult yourself! Be positive, Y/N!! You can make your younger self proud today!!!!

You open your mouth to speak, but you don’t know what to say, so you immediately shut it again.

Why is talking to pretty boys so hard?

NO! JUST GO FOR IT! F L I r T !! WHAT DO YOU WANT IN LIFE, HAH?

“...So anyway, that’s basically all we’ve got at this cafe right now.” He looks at you, smiling patiently.

Wait, has he been talking to me this whole time? Agh! I haven’t even been listening!

“Oh! I forgot, we also have--”

“Do you come here often?”

Well. You just made things worse, didn’t you?

“What?”

CODE RED CODE RED CODEREDCODEREDCODEREDCODEREDCODEREDCODEREDCODEREDCO

This is not a thing that makes your younger self proud, Y/N. This is the opposite.

YOU JUST ASKED THE BARISTA IF HE COMES HERE OFTEN. YOU NOW HAVE PERMISSION TO RIP OFF YOUR ANKLES.

You watch in horror as he stares at you, frozen to the touch, with those eyes.

“Oh! Did you ask me if I come here often? I thought I didn’t hear what you said at first. Yeah-- I work here actually! Thanks for asking!” I smiles, oblivious to your failed flirting.

“Oh, um. S-sure thing!”

Mission... not abort..ed?

Well-- This means I don’t ever have to think what happened ever again! Wonderful.

You aren’t sure if he’s actually dumb or if you just suck at reading him-- but either way, there’s no escaping the situation now. Unless you’re willing to literally sprint out of the cafe and run all the way back to your apartment, lock the door, and cry in the shower.

But, unfortunately for everyone else, you aren’t willing to do that.

“Um, when my mom came here, she ordered something really specific, but I can’t remember what it was called or anything...,” You say hesitantly.

“Yeah-- Don’t worry at all! Do you remember what it looked or tasted like at all?”

His enthusiasm encourages you and you feel brighter. “Yeah! Uh, it had strawberries in it, and a special kind of cream-- I think? And then there was this special topping she got on it. It was green? The topping? Sorry if that sounds totally dumb, but I just now that it-- they-- were green, I guess, haha!” You feel your heart start to beat faster the more you talk to him. Why am I nervous? and stuttering?? It’s just a drink, jeez.

Suddenly excited, his eyes squint with a wide smile. “Ooohhh! Were they mint spirals, maybe? I love those soooo much!!!”. You don’t even know what those are, but that isn’t gonna stop you from nodding excitedly with him. It would have been hard not to. When he smiles you kind of just want to join on the thrill, I guess.

You notice a whisper of heat brushing against your cheeks as he turns to the chalkboard behind him and points at a meticulous drawing of a fluffy pink drink. “Did it look like that??”

Excited to have found your mom’s favorite drink, you nod, a big smile leaving your eyes in the shape of giggling crescents. “Yes! Yeah! That’s exactly it, I think!”

His sunshine-smile turns half shy. “Great! I’ll get that just for you then...,” He softly says. He turns his back to you as he hurries around behind the counter to concoct the drink.

Were his cheeks flushed like that this whole time?

... Whatever...

You carefully sit down at one of the pretty little cafe tables closest to the counter so you can be ready to grab your drink as soon as it’s ready. You have maybe a few minutes, so you pull your notebook with the chestnut leather cover out from your purse. You open the middle of the book to where you urgently wrote down the ideas the night before.

things that would make my younger self proud of me:

- keeping a journal

- keeping my body clean

- wearing the clothes that make me feel peaceful

- waking up at a time that makes me feel happy

- wearing the clothes I’m scared others will judge me for

- going to the cafe in a pretty dress that makes me feel happy

- talking to people I feel like talking to but am scared to

- going on a cute date say sike rn

Smiling to yourself, you use a pencil to put a check next to the third-to-last one. You thought of scratching it out, but you didn’t want it to be gone from your precious list completely... you feel you’ll be coming back soon. You like how it feels.

Nevertheless, you are glad you’re here. You’ve gathered the courage to come here when it’s been so hard for you lately! You look down at your lap and give a sigh of relief. Closing your eyes, you take in how it feels to be here.

It’s different, but warm here. It smells of both exotic and familiar flavors. The lullaby effect of the fluffy low-fi music overhead mixed with the gentle metallic sounds of Jisung working behind the counter is somehow comforting. You lift your head and peak over at him slyly, watching as he leans against the mixing machine. He seems to be waiting on something.

You watch almost in shock as he slowly peeks over his shoulder to look at you, making quick eye-contact on accident. You smile instinctively-- not even knowing why.

He turns his face back to what he was doing as soon as this moment happens and you notice a smile he’s hiding and the blush that’s growing on his face. You turn your body to see more of his turned-away face from where you’re at, and as you do, you spy the massive smile he’s desperately trying to hide. Oh dear, he’s adorable.

Bubbles rise in your stomach and your lungs seem to fill with cotton candy as his undeniably-cute, blushing self hits you all at once.

-- o h. Oh n o.

You lean back in your chair again, suddenly very worried.

No? No. No!

It always gets bad once I get crushes on people.

You make an immediate promise to yourself to not at all drop any hints that you kind of want to mayhaps hold this almost-stranger’s hand. Flirting is fine when you don’t actually like the person-- once you genuinely develop feelings, it’s absolutely not a good idea anymore. Everyone knows that. Good, cute things with crushes only happen in fan-fiction and Wattpad stories.

Sike.

All of a sudden, you notice the sound of clinking and whirring has stopped from behind the counter.

“Am-- uh-- am I interrupting you... at all, or something?”

Reality crashes into your view again as you tilt your head up and to the side to lock eyes with Jisung. Ah.

“W--what?”

“Ahm, you just looked kind of... really worried about something.” He furrows his brows, confused. “Anyway-- here’s your drink!”

“Oh-- thank you! Yeah, I was just-- thinking about something! Haha!

He sets your drink on the table and pauses for a moment. “By the way, your dress is really pretty, I think.” Jisung Blush: Activated. “Don’t mean that in a weird way! I just thought you maybe might like to know...”

🎵 KISS KISS FALL IN LOOOVE 🎵🎵🎵🎵

“Oh, thanks! I actually tried this morning, haha!”

“Oh, yeah? Well I think you look great. But you already know that, i guess, haha..” Jisung Confidence: Boosted-- Reason: Compliment Accepted.

You feel your ears heat up as you avert your eyes, looking down at your drink. “Thanks again! It’s funny because I didn’t even have an occasion to dress up for. I just sort of did it to treat myself, I guess.” You smile softly, proud.

“Isn’t that enough of an occasion? I think celebrating yourself is a worthwhile thing.” He sits down across from you, muttering something about how nobody is going to show up to the cafe in a while.

You look up at him, smiling in agreement. “Right? It really helps to take care of yourself. I think it’s one of the best ways to pick yourself back up from something hard.”

He tilts his head like he did before, but this time with worry. “Are you going through something..?... Oh, you don’t have to answer! I pry without thinking first sometimes...”

“No, no! It’s okay. I don’t mind talking about it to others, it’s good for people who need to hear it...” Why do I feel so comfortable with telling him about this..? I’m sure it won’t do any harm. He’s being genuine after all...

“Well, if you really do feel like telling me, we won’t be having customers again until about 10:30-ish. I’m all ears!”

Your heart said: Oof.

As soon as you start explaining the night before and all that lead up to it, he leans in, his hands cupping his face, intent on every word you say. You tell him about all the stress, issues, and fears-- both self-inflicted and otherwise-- that are holding you down lately. He nods and listens, asking clarifying questions.

You notice how his reactions remain compassionate when you talk about the hard things that are happening because of your own mistakes. A feeling of warmth and safety sets in after you finishing your monologue. You apologize for taking so long-- maybe thirty minutes?-- but he immediately tells you it’s all okay.

“No, please don’t say sorry!! I really am grateful when people share what they are going through with me... It helps me to connect with them better and find ways to help them feel better. Don’t be sorry.” He softly smiles and gently asks if you are all done.

“Yeah-- heh-- i’m done. Thank you so much for listening! I’m really grateful I have-- had-- someone to listen to me...” You rub your eyes worriedly, afraid you might have started crying at some point while telling him the whole story.

He stares down at the table for a moment, quiet. “Hey, wanna be random?”

You giggle. “Always.”

“Wanna go on a date?”

“What?”

“I understand if you don’t want to. You seem to be working through a lot of things right now... I don’t want to--” Jisung Blush: Reactivated And Intensified.

“Yes.”

“WhAT?”

“Yeah!.. I think that would be awesome.”

Jisung is suddenly beaming, which makes you instantly happier. Dang, mirror neurons are so cute.

63 notes · View notes

nikoalaa · 4 years

Text

usually this is something i’d post on a side blog with no tags or followers (just to get out of my head), but i think this time i want the possibility of someone helping. idk how long this will be but i’ll put it under a read more when i’m on my computer.

i’ve been struggling more lately. idk if it’s just the pandemic and quarantine and everything getting to me, but this has all been happening before too, just maybe not as often. i’m more anxious, i’m more depressed, i want to shut myself away from friends and not leave my house much unless it’s a quick trip somewhere by myself. i’m so tired all the time. i’m just so, so exhausted. and since i’m home a lot with nothing to do, i’ll sleep. my schedule is so messed up. i sleep basically 5am-2pm and then sometimes still take a nap. like today i slept 5 or 6 am- 2, woke up and had something small to eat, sat at my computer and then slept again 6:30pm-9pm. i jokingly call this my “unemployed schedule” with my parents, but i think they just think i’m lazy.

and speaking of them, i think a lot of my problems i have with myself would be nonexistent if i just had good parents. my crooked teeth wouldn’t be an issue if my dad didn’t hate doctors and was scared of the dentist, therefore never making appointments for me or my brother, resulting in us both not having good teeth. my weight and unhealthy relationship to food wouldn’t be an issue if my mom would have just made me eat a god damn vegetable when i was a kid instead of just giving me chicken nuggets so i would stop whining. and when i was chubbier then other kids, instead of herself trying to fix my diet by actually cooking healthy food and making me eat it, she made me see a doctor and go to group sessions of other kids in similar situations (that i was very uncomfortable going to, to the point of me crying, but she forced me to go anyway). which none of that helped anyway, it just made me self conscious about eating so i now hate food and when i do eat in public, i feel gross and that people are staring at me. and now my body has tricked itself that if i’m out in public, i can only eat very little or else i get sick and throw up. and my mental illness could be in check if my parents just put in any effort. they’ve been aware of my depression since i was in 3rd grade (which my mom would phrase as “you don’t seem as happy anymore”) and i recall having anxiety since kindergarten. i get that we didn’t have a lot of money when i was growing up, so maybe they just made me see the guidance counselor every friday for two school years. which is fine, that’s what they could do and it was at least something idk. but after that it’s like they stopped caring. i went on to public school after that and i hated it. i constantly would go to the nurses office in 5th grade and pretend being sick so my mom could pick me up or some how get me home. that should have been a red flag. or whenever my dad asked me how my day was and i never said “good”, another red flag. i was so depressed for the rest of my time in public school, and they didn’t do anything. sure i would join clubs or play sports to try to make myself happy and have fun, but it wasn’t ever enough. high school was even worse. i was angry all the time. just that angry emo kid sat in the back of the class. and eventually i lost almost all my friends. i started cutting, but i kept it hidden until i got changed after gym class one day. someone i was kinda friends with spotted the cuts on my upper arm. they gave me a knowing look and asked what happened. i said my dog scratched me. but it was way too many cuts and too dark to be dog scratches. but they didn’t ask again and i was grateful because i didn’t want help at the time. rest of school went on, the cutting stopped (or at least stopped being as frequent. relapses now and again), had panic attacks before and during school (that i always seemed like a burden for having when my mom had to deal with it), then i had a manipulative friend/ex gf i’m not even going to get into rn. long section short, my parents knew i was struggling. they would mention it off handedly. “you didn’t seem as happy” “we saw their was something going on” stuff like that. but they did nothing to help me. never asked questions, never talked to me, never asked if i needed help or someone else to talk to.

after highschool the panic attacks weren’t as frequent, but the depression was there. and they knew it. because even now and then i would bring it up, especially when i was having a breakdown. i would tell them i need help, i need a therapist and i need medication. she said (because it was always my mom i would go to) that she would see what she could do. then nothing happened. another time, full break down, and i fully told her i am suffering and i need help. she made me feel like such a burden and an inconvenience. she said she had no idea how to get me a therapist. no idea where to start. so i told her, mainly yelled, to ask this one lady we know (someone who had actually done more for my mental health than my own mother) for advice because i know her two kids go to therapy and stuff. she said she would try but she never did. few weeks ago, i have the biggest panic attack i’ve had in a while. full hyperventilating, almost going to throw up, all because there was a bug in my room trapped under a bowl. that is not healthy. i’m sobbing and gasping for air as my dad is trying to get the fast bug off the floor but not lose it, and once it’s gone i’m in bed sobbing and heaving and my whole body is twitching uncontrollably. she thinks she’s hot shit because she did that “5 things you can touch” bull shit once i was starting to calm. nothing again after that. what they did, they bought a hand vacuum so i could catch bugs myself. i guess so i won’t have to bother them at 4 in the morning and again freaking the fuck out. all in all, if they got me therapy as a teen and i had meds, i probably would be much much much better off. i won’t even go into the trans stuff rn. i think they think it went away because they ignored it and i don’t talk about it with them. even tho in the rest of the world away from family, i go by my chosen name and my friend calls me “he”. but it’s been almost 4 years, if not already 5 years, since i came out to them. they said they looked up therapy and stuff but again, nothing ever happened. i joke with my parents and say they’re lucky i don’t steal my dogs prozac and they laugh. i know it’s exactly the one used for people because it’s the same exact one my ex took. these days i’m starting to see things out of the corner of my eye, but nothing is there. i tell my mom i think i have adhd or something because i’ve read symptoms and it would make sense. and i also don’t remember a time where my head wouldn’t just be quiet. even now. it never is. but she says i was tested and they didn’t say i had adhd. when i was 7... and it’s misdiagnosed in afab people... and especially since i was anxious as a child.. and nervous around the lady who tested me. when. i. was. 7. shit develops later in life. but she won’t believe me because she says she’s trained to see the signs for her work. but then she’ll bring up how my uncle, grandma, and dad, are like the poster kids for adhd. and she just won’t believe me.

i’m really struggling with just everything. and i feel guilty that i’m even struggling and “feeling bad”. i’m a white kid from the philly suburbs. everything could be much much worse for me. but then again, i know thinking like this isn’t good for me. just because it could be worse, doesn’t mean it still can’t be a hell of a lot better too. i just want to be okay. i want to be healthy and happy. i’ve never really gotten to experience it all. my happiness seems fake and it fades away. my idea of health is “going to the gym and the right amount of anorexia.” i know that’s not healthy but that’s just the only way i know. my mom doesn’t seem to care anyway. i tell her that when i am working or i was in school, i would only have like one meal a day. she didn’t say a thing. i just want to be happy. i don’t want to die. i really don’t. i hate being alive but like, i’m already here. i’m not going to take myself out. but it’s just so hard to exist a lot of the time. idk how i’ve done it this long. and i can tell it’s gonna get bad again because i tried to cut myself a few nights ago. the knife wasn’t sharp enough to really make a mark but i had no energy to keep trying. i really need help but idk what to do anymore.

#im so sorry this is so long #it took me an hour to write #ill put a read more later #im so sorry #tw depression #tw anxiety #tw eating disorder #tw anorexia #tw self harm #tw cutting #ask to tag #just in case #im gonna try to sleep cuz its now almost 5:30 am

2 notes · View notes