#her sexuality’s complicated just say she’s queer and move on

[northsoulss]

the media thinking reader is in a relationship w some popular male footballer but she's actually with elisa and they soft (or hard) launch their relationship 🤭🤭

mon amour - elisa de almeida

(a/n : here it is! hopefully this is what you had in mind lol. this is quite a long one. writing this hit home, so i quite like how it turned out! thanks for the request xoxo)

growing up in a relatively conservative town, you never had the chance to express your identity as a queer individual. it was a constant internal battle, thinking something was wrong with you for liking someone of the same gender. things became more complicated when you began liking football, it being seen as more of a boy-ish sport.

thankfully, your hometown had a small women’s youth football club, and you begged your parents to allow you to sign on, which they begrudgingly accepted. hoping to meet other queer women, you went into football hopeful, but your ideas were quickly shut down when you realised a lot of them were straight. you continuously struggled with your sexuality as you grew up, fear taking over whenever you had the opportunity to come out. so you never did, remaining closeted for all your teenage years.

as you began to advance and become better at football, you wanted to make it a career, to do it professionally. eventually when you signed with psg a year ago, it was undoubtedly the best decision of your life. after moving to france, you finally got to experience a proper queer community with supportive people. you still made no move to come out, for you realised that there was no need to put it out there; to let everyone know that you were queer. so long as you were contented with what you identified as, nothing else really mattered. or so you thought.

over time as you became more popular and well known, you began to see that there are many upsides and downsides to being a public figure. on one hand, you have formed close bonds with other footballers of both genders and experienced nothing like you could have ever imagined. on the other hand, every time you posted something vaguely couple-ly with one of your friends, especially the guys, your fans would go nuts.

“is she dating him?”, “i knew they were together!” were the very common comments you would get when posting pictures with you and another footballer, who happened to be one of your very good guy friends, _(insert male name)_ , whom you hung out with quite often. you decided that one day you were sick of the comments, and posted something for pride, saying that you were proud to be a queer woman. lo and behold, that did not stop the comments.

lady luck must have been on your side for your team has been nothing but incredibly supportive of you coming out. at the same time, one of your teammates took this chance to snag you, and surprise, surprise. you fell head over heels for the woman and have been dating ever since.

you have decided to lay low for the first few months, trying your hardest not to post anything that would make the fans suspicious. however, one day you decided had enough of the speculations.

it was a lazy saturday, you and elisa were out at a quaint neighbourhood cafe having brunch, just enjoying the warm summer weather. it had been a few days after your 6 month anniversary, and you just couldn’t get enough of her. so, as sneakily as you could, you snapped a picture of her looking off into the distance, watching the kids at the playground goofing around with a small smile. too bad your phone wasn’t silenced, so a loud shutter sound was made and caused elisa to whip her head around.

she locks eyes with you, and you must have had the guiltiest expression on your face, because she immediately broke out in laughter. “what are you doing baby?” she laughs harder as your face reddens, her taking your hand in hers and rubbing small circles with her thumb.

“you just looked really good okay!” you defend yourself defiantly, showing her the photo that you took. she gives you a knowing look, before turning away to continue looking at the scenery around, a small smirk on her lips. there was a comfortable silence amongst you two, but your mind started to wonder. for a while now, you’ve been meaning to ask elisa about announcing your relationship. you were sick and tired on hiding things and being so secretive, but you were scared. you enjoy the privacy, the intimate looks given to each other across the room, the subtle electrifying touches on the pitch when you’re standing next to each other. you just don’t want to ruin things-

“what’s going on in that pretty head of yours?” elisa breaks you out of your thoughts, head tilted slightly to take a look at you. you were oddly silent for a while, and when elisa turned back around to see what you were doing, you were just staring into space, a dazed look on your face.

you swallow dryly, taking a deep breath. “i think i want to announce our relationship.” you say quickly, averting eye contact with her. you felt her hand tighten around yours, interlocking your fingers with hers. you look up at her timidly from your lap, and you see lines of worry etched onto her face. her brows furrowed slightly, her mouth in a taunt line.

“are you sure about this?” she questions, concern clear as day in her voice. she knew about your past, and you were the one who was more worried about the relationship compared to her. now that you were bringing this up, she had every right to be concerned.

“well, i’m just sick of people thinking i’m dating that meathead. i’m not. i’m dating you. you’re the one i love.” the moment the last sentence left your mouth, elisa swore her heart skipped a beat.

“a-are you very sure? there’s no going back after you announce this you know?” she looks into your eyes, searching for any signs of uncertainty or hesitation, but all she saw was determination.

“i’m sure, baby.” you smile at her, pressing a chaste kiss against the back of her hand. at that moment, elisa was so proud of you. you have come so far, and she knew how big of a step this was for you — to publicly announce that you were in a relationship with another woman.

“i’m proud of you, mon amour.” she wore a warm smile, eyes crinkled, the midday sunlight hitting her facial features just right. you pick up your phone to snap a picture, and this time you did not shy away from her, even asking her to give you her best smile.

before you left the cafe, you quickly posted it, tagging her and titling the caption as “the love of my life, @/elisadealmeida5. mon amour.🤍” of course, the fans were not impressed, but you didn’t care, for you were finally proud to be loud about your identity and your relationship, and the press and media are not going to get in the way of that.

later that night, as you lay in bed with your head on her chest, you get a phone call from your good guy friend. elisa raises a brow at you, and you shrug, picking it up and putting him on speaker.

“yo what’s up! you’re on speaker by the way.”

“you just had to do a hard launch huh?” he cuts to the chase, tone teasing, but proud. you groan, your hand coming up to cover your face.

“ugh c’mon! they were shipping me with you out of all people!” you tease back, looking at elisa who was staring at you, admiration in her eyes. you give her a soft smile, pressing a small kiss on her cheek.

“yeah, yeah, i know. proud of you, short stack. tell elisa i said hi!” and with that, he hung up. not long after, you received an instagram notification where he replied to your post. “i told you so.. what a man child.” you read his comment and smile knowingly, and put your phone away, turning around to face elisa again when she grabs your face and kisses you hard. you gasp into the kiss, melting into her lips. when she pulls away, she leans her forehead against yours, you panting slightly.

“i’ll say this again and again, and i know you’ll grow tired of it, but i’m so proud of you, mon amour, don’t forget that.” she finishes her sentence with another passionate kiss to your lips, smiling into the kiss.

#elisa de almeida #elisa de almeida x reader #elisa de almeida fluff #elisa de almeida psg #lgbtqia #psg feminines x reader #psg feminines #psg women #psg football #psg #woso fluff #woso x reader #woso fanfics #woso community #wlw #wlw post #wlw love

[hallowedmistress]

stardew sexuality hcs!

bachelors + bachelorettes

alex

definitely gay

grew up in a homophobic, religious family

first time he saw gay people was on tv on a news program about same-sex marriage being legalised

george immediately turned it off in disdain and evelyn distracted him with some food, but the thought lingered at the back of his mind

as he grows up, he collects sports magazines. more often with lean, muscular men on the covers than not

he suppresses it for years but it comes to a head when the cute new farmer moves in

and the rest is history

elliott

homoflexible

knew he was into men since he was very young

his family wasn't pleased to say the least. their only son, gay and a writer? the blasphemy.

didn't dare confess to any of his childhood crushes because he grew up in a pretty old fashioned area

instead wrote letters and stuffed them into used cans and threw them into the sea

lived in zuzu city for a short while before moving to stardew valley, had a relatively unhealthy lifestyle of drinking and hookups and no sleep. the cabin on the beach helped with his insomnia

very rarely attracted to women; usually into the type of women who mistake him for a lesbian

sam

unlabelled

leans more towards men

vincent called him weird at first but wrapped his head around it pretty quick

jodi doesn't talk about it but she just wants him to be happy and not hide any part of himself

kent absolutely flips when sam brings the farmer, his boyfriend, over

they make it work. kent warms up to the farmer, and the strict military rules drilled into his head slowly come undone

he reluctantly tells sebastian he likes guys at the saloon one night while abigail isn't around. sebastian just says 'huh', and beats him at pool.

sebastian

queer, on the aromantic spectrum

never really thought about romance. he has enough to deal with by himself, why should he want someone else?

has a little crush on sam when they're kids

only realises it was romantic when sam tells him that he likes guys. and sebastian realises oh, i can do that.

he doesn't really tell anyone but he blurts it out to his mother one afternoon

robin is supportive, and curious at first

demetrius... doesn't say much.

after kissing sam for a dare, he huddles inside a blanket with a red face for a whole day

harvey

heteroflexible

he likes women, but likes the occasional buff man

he's vocal with his support of the community, and pins up a pride flag on the clinic's wall

he lost a trans girlfriend to suicide back in the city. it sticks with him, and he makes sure to respectfully inquire about all his patients' mental health and if they need anything

he likes the farmer for their cool, confident demeanor regardless of their gender.

shane

straight

never thought about his sexuality

kissed a few of his homies back in college before he dropped out

hasn't really "fallen" for anyone before the farmer

abigail

bisexual

this girl is so, so bi

she definitely read manga on sites named stuff like yaoiparadiseheaven growing up

always shipped the protagonist and rival in pokemon games

has a few bi pride pins. pierre hates it and wants her to tone it down, but she refuses. loud and proud

caroline chides her, but is secretly proud of her and even buys her some sapphic movie dvds

haley

lesbian

it's complicated. she knows she has some sort of comphet, and she hates it

she wants to be out to the whole town just to prove a point, but she wants to present as straight at the same time just to feel more accepted

she flirts with guys and then feels like throwing up

she tries to flirt with girls and ends up insulting them

she and abigail have some sort of sapphic jealousy thing going on

when the farmer comes to town, abigail knows she's head-over-heels for the butch immediately despite her previous insistence that she only likes femme women

leah

definitely a lesbian

chill about it. she doesn't tell anyone, but she doesn't hide it

she has a vase painted the lesbian colours

her ex from the city is non-binary

she doesn't expect to fall for the farmer at all, but ends up yearning for months

boldly sculpts a messy piece of two women kissing

she and male!farmer would talk about women together

penny

her labels keep changing

she's into women, and into pretty guys.

she used to always keep an eye out for the woman who worked the jojamart counter

pam catches her reading a lesbian romance once, and penny fears the worst

instead, pam just nods and mentions she went out with some women herself and penny just stops in her tracks wide-eyed

when she first meets the farmer, she can't stop blushing around them

maru

she never really fathomed being attracted to men in the first and doesn't get why demetrius is so against her having male friends

demetrius is obnoxiously supportive once he finds out. the farmer sighs every time they walk in on an overly large display of support

he celebrates her coming-out anniversary every year

lesbian in stem

she's also on the asexual spectrum. something like demisexual, maybe. she doesn't have it figured out yet

emily

pansexual, and open about it

every time someone asks if she has a boyfriend, she corrects them to 'significant other'.

romance doesn't work like 'normal' to her

every friendship has a little romance, and every romance has a lot of friendship. isn't that the best way to live?

she's very affectionate. with friends, family, s/o's, anyone.

#stardew valley #sdv #sdv alex #sdv sebastian #sdv elliott #sdv shane #sdv harvey #sdv sam #sdv haley #sdv abigail #sdv leah #sdv maru #sdv emily #sdv penny #stardew headcanon #stardew headcanons #sexuality headcanons #might have slipped a bit of the sambastian agenda in there #oops

[whimsicallywiddershins]

The Provost's Dog series is amazing in how Tamora Pierce calmly and nonchalantly addresses sexuality, relationships, gender, and gender roles.

In the very first few chapters we have Rosto, Kora and Aniki together in some sort of a poly/open/threesome relationship. It's never actually stated directly what their relationship is, if it's romantic, open, sexual but not romantic, queer platonic, if Kora and Aniki are together, ect. But real life relationships are not black and white. And very few people advertise the exact details, and good friends don't really ask or make a big deal about it. Which is exactly what happens in Terrier. And it's a very healthy relationship. Kora decides to date Erksen instead, and Rosto and Aniki are completely fine with it. There is no resentment, fighting or jealousy. As Kora says, she is her own woman. I have never seen such a drama-free relationship in a young adults book before. It really shows a young reader that relationships can be simple and you can still be friends if it doesn't work out.

And then the sneaky descriptions of "spintry." Another term for a male prostitute. There is no judgement for a spintry, no one finds it strange and both female and male prostitutes are treated exactly the same, as just a job, as any other in the Rouge's Court. It was such a simple and refreshing take in a children's book, and it's done so well with no judgement or any acknowledgment that it's not normal.

That feeling of normality is an ongoing theme in the Provost's Dog books. There are a lot of shocking and liberal topics in the books, but they are treated as normal, everyday things, so it takes away any shock value and makes the reader simply accept it. Considering most readers are teens, that's a pretty great thing.

Take Okha/Amber. A transwomen/gender queer person who is in a long-term relationship with a man, a police captain. It's described as a normal thing. Beka is a bit confused at first, because she has never met a gender queer person before, but accepts the explanation and moves on. Amber's gender is never really fully explained, but thay makes sense. Gender isn't simple. In a fantasy world without modern labels, Amber is just Amber. They are who they are.

Beka has several flings throughout the series, and its treated normally. That is not usually seen in a teen book. The main female character having casual relationships, going into them knowing they won't last? That is super rare, and is how real life works. It's a great break from normal ya relationship drama.

There is some relationship drama in the series, with Beka's fiance, Holborn. He dies before Mastiff starts, and we never met him. But later, it is revealed that she was planning on breaking up with him because he was emotionally abusive towards her. She ends up meeting Farmer and getting over Holborn quickly. She feels guilty for not feeling more guilty over his death, instead feeling relieved that their toxic relationship is over. She loves some of the time they spent toghether though, and she does mourn him. It's a fascinating and nuanced relationship you never see in a ya book. But her and Farmer's relationship is wonderful.

As a young teenager growing up in a conservative, rural, small town, the Provost's Dog books were revolutionary, not that I realized it at the time. The book's description of gender, of relationships was so normal I didn't even realize it could be something debated. I just accepted it as normal. Okha/Amber was the first time I ever learned thay trans/gender questioning people could exist, and I just acted like Beka, accepted it and moved on. When people talked about poly relationships, how strange and unusual it was, l was confused, because Kora, Aniki and Rosto were normal to me. Learning prostitutes were discriminated against was shocking. Complicated relationships were normal.

I remember once in highschool, my teammates were talking about a scenario where your husband cheats on you with another woman, and that woman had a child with him, and they are now homeless. Your husband loves this woman and you. Would you accept the child and the other woman living with you? Or something inane like that.

I said, "Well, yeah, if she's a good person. If my husband loves her, then she's probably a good person, and I would try to fall in love with her too. And raise the child together."

My teammates did not expect that answer. I suppose I should have realized then I wasn't straight lol.

#tamora pierce #book reccs #fandom #provosts dog #tortall #beka cooper #aniki #kora #rosto the piper #farmer cooper #gender #okha soyan #relationships #sorry for the long post

[saintsenara]

I’m curious why you loathe the implication that wizards are immune to muggle diseases. Is it because it reinforces the idea that they aren’t really the same species as muggles?

thank you very much for the ask, @urupotter!

and the answer is - yes, pretty much.

how the body is understood, how illness and disability are thought about, how the medical system works etc. are all questions that i am primed to obsess over in any piece of media - even when they're not actually significant parts of the story.

which is to say, i completely understand the reason why the harry potter series treats these topics in the way it does. magical medicine isn't one of the themes the story is designed to focus on - which means that its purpose is as incidental worldbuilding detail which reinforces the whimsical vibe of the earlier books and the darker vibe of the later ones, and which means that its treatment in the text makes sense within the setting and genre conventions of canon. harry being able to take a bludger - a cast-iron cannonball moving at speed - to the head and living to tell the tale is the same as john wick being able to fall from a great height, land on his back, and then get up and walk around: he's an action hero in a fantasy.

and so wizards being more physically durable than muggles - and also wizards having their own magical diseases, and being immune to muggle ones - all makes sense within the context of the books as literature. kids don't want to read about harry having a cold. they want to read about him being a wizard.

but when i'm deciding to enjoy myself by taking the question of just how fucked-up wizarding society is much more seriously than canon does... the implication that wizards are immune to muggle diseases and that they are broadly unaffected by physical trauma unless that trauma has a magical cause really bothers me. entirely - as you say - because it directly undermines the series' thesis that the purity of magical blood is irrelevant and that the wizarding world's dehumanisation of muggles and muggleborns by treating them as, essentially, separate, lower species is wrong.

the main canon example of this which i detest is dumbledore's suggestion in half-blood prince that merope gaunt could have survived childbirth if she'd simply "raised her wand to save her own life". after all, if a little bit of magic makes one immune to experiencing complications during childbirth [unlike thousands upon thousands of muggles throughout history, who would probably have very much liked to have lived to see their children grow up]... then voldemort is completely justified in thinking merope's death was a selfish, shameful, deliberate choice.

[i do understand that the idea merope chose to die is primarily included in the text so dumbledore can segue into saying that lily "had a choice too", contributing to the gradual reveal in half-blood prince and deathly hallows that she's the key to the whole mystery. but i still think that jkr could maybe have though a little bit harder about what she was suggesting with this than she evidently did...]

and so i think in fandom it's both fun and important not to accept the idea that wizards are automatically resistant to anything which might kill, injure, or disable a muggle - especially because it lets us really play with some of the big worldbuilding questions surrounding the conventions and institutions of wizarding society.

what do disability rights look like in a world which is so rabidly intolerant of difference, and which appears not to have any sort of welfare state? the nhs is a recent invention, created in a muggle britain which is culturally and institutionally separate from the wizarding one: so is treatment at st mungo's free - and, if not, what happens to those who can't pay? how is queerness understood in a society which appears to have views on sexual expression which are fairly conservative - and how does this mean the wizarding state responded to the aids crisis? what do reproductive rights look like in this kind of society? if the dementor's kiss results in - essentially - a vegetative state, what is done with the people the kiss has been performed on? what might it be like for your relative to develop dementia at 100... when you know they might live to 250? what impact do biases about blood status have on how muggleborn patients are treated?

i just think it's interesting!

#asks answered #on medicine

[user-needs-new-hyperfixation]

Hello, can I ask what do you mean "in canon it's impossible for Sherlock to settle down with a woman"? Like, as a fan of Holmes and always read the books since middle school, I'm kinda confuse here, I don't mean anything negative. Sorry, do you think Poirot (from Agatha Christie) is also queer?

Maybe because I grew up with very religious mother and lived in anti-LGBTQ country, I'm kinda slow in picking up subtext. Like until now I'm still kinda confuse with my friend who have ships from any fandoms (but I still love to hear and read her headcanons or fics about those characters)....

I really agree with you, I've seen many Holmes' adaptations (cartoon, tv series, manga) but Yuumori is clearly the closest to Doyle's works. Do you think the mangaka also love to read Holmes' books?

Story time! (Welcome to "Hyper answers asks like an old lady going on an hour long barely-on-topic tangent at the slightest prompting.)

I totally get where you're coming from, I was raised in like...knockoff Southern Baptist churches. Growing up, homosexuality was presented to me as a sexual perversion incapable of involving real love. It's kind of silly, but it's true: a ship was a big part of changing that for me. I read Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle as a teenager, and Kurogane and Fai had something that was inescapably romantic and beautiful but never strictly sexual (tho the potential is certainly there). Between that and an online community of LGBTQ+ adults who were incredibly patient and kind towards me even when I was suuuuper ignorant, I started to open up towards queer relationships as...well, just relationships. Relationships that can encompass sex and also encompass love and friendship and communication and partnership and all those other things I'd been taught were exclusive to monogamous straight people. And then, even as terrified as I was, I was eventually able to face the fact that I'd always had crushes on girls just as often as crushes on guys. So yeah, there's a reason Kurofai is my ship of all ships, the actual One True Pairing for me. Because it cracked open a door just enough that I could slowly lever it open the rest of the way. There seem to be quite a lot of anecdotes like this: women enjoying BL/mlm ships is often seen as fetishy (which can certainly be part of it) but for some reason I can't fully articulate it also seems to sometimes be a means for girls and women to explore their own not-straightness.

ANYWAY. SHERLOCK HOLMES. Tbh I'm not gonna go too in-depth because I would bet good money that there are a bunch of scholarly articles on Holmes' queerness. People have probably done their doctorate theses on this! Much smarter and more well-read folks than I have already covered the topic. For me, it really boils down to: he never outright expresses sexual or romantic interest in anyone (we must resist the urge to assume his respect for Irene Adler is romantic just because he is a man and she is a woman). He's almost certainly on the asexual spectrum. But when he does exhibit symptoms one might associate with romantic and/or sexual interest (particularly romantic, imo), it's always towards men (usually Watson, of course). For example, notable flirt John Watson saying that Holmes blushes at his compliments the way a girl does is...suggestive.

The whole thing is complicated by Watson being (in my opinion at least) an unreliable and sometimes downright petty narrator. He keeps going on spiels about Holmes being cold and heartless, only to turn around and describe him greeting his friends warmly and being emotionally moved by music and baby-talking puppies and charming old ladies. It makes Watson sometimes come across as one of those allo people who are so unable to conceive of a life without romantic and/or sexual desire that they start dehumanizing those who don't experience it. Alternatively and maybe more charitably, he just has a big ol' crush on Holmes, is understandably alarmed by it given the time period, and gets bitchy and defensive when he feels it might not be reciprocated.

But ultimately...do I think Arthur Conan Doyle sat down at a desk in the late 19th century/early 20th century and was like "I am going to write some ace queer representation for the tumblr girlies (gn)"? Obviously not. 😅 I do think he might have set out to create a character who very deliberately did not need to have the otherwise almost obligatory straight romantic side-plot. Holmes is never in any way set up as having a life headed towards marriage and children, in spite of how typical that was for the time. The companionship he does express a need and desire for comes in the form of another man. He's "lost without [his] Boswell." He sneakily buys Watson's practice out from under him so he'll be free to move back in and go on more adventures with him. He threatens violence when Watson is hurt. Etc etc. I think it's very fair to interpret it all through a queer lens, the quibble would be more in whether that queerness ever manifests sexually.

I definitely think the Yuumori creators have not only read ACD but also other fiction based on the stories, possibly even including some very old pastiches like this one. I love how seemingly nerdy they are about it haha! The series is full of easter eggs and callouts to other Holmesian works.

As for Poirot, I know very little about the character beyond a few episodes of the show I watched as a young'un, but that is not the mustache of a straight man (I'm joking I'm joking I have absolutely no opinion on that one! 🤣)

Thanks for the ask, and for actually reading this ramble if you got this far! 😅

#acd holmes #acd canon #yuukuko no moriarty #kurofai #rambling #asks

[letmetellyouaboutmyfeels]

Well. I guess today is the day I post this.

Putting this all below a cut to spare your dashes.

This statement will seem dramatic. I apologize. I don't know any other way to put this.

For a long time, I've felt unsafe in this fandom as a bisexual person.

At some point we got a new wave of people in this fandom (I can't pinpoint when since I never know anything that goes on in this godforsaken cesspit), and we started to get a growing wave of people talking about Eddie as a gay man, rather than bisexual or queer or ambiguous/unlabeled in his sexuality.

It was something I could easily ignore at first. I didn't agree with it, but I rolled my eyes and kept on keepin' on. It didn't really affect me. I had my own little corner and that was that.

But as time has gone on, it's become so popular and pervasive that every time I turn around, I'm running into it. It seems to be (but might not be, I could be wrong) the more popular interpretation of Eddie.

For example, I got an ask at the beginning of February, asking me what was wrong with gay Eddie, since it seems to be the "general consensus." Additionally, there was a podcast episode an anthropology student made where the host said that they have also seen people have generally decided Eddie is gay, not bi or queer. I'm not the only one who's noticed this and decided this is the general/most popular opinion of the fandom.

And I'm here to say that it's unbelievably hurtful.

It's not a new thing for people to dismiss Shannon. And let me tell you, it brings me no joy to defend her. I deeply, deeply dislike her and always have. But I must, because whether I like her or not doesn't matter as much as her importance to Eddie and her role in his life. Not just as Christopher's mother, but as his first love and as his wife.

However, over the past year or so there's been a serious shift within the fandom to ignore or gloss over Shannon, and to paint Eddie as a gay man who has always been gay, and never been attracted to women, and never wanted to sleep with one. Even though, canonically, he and Shannon jumped right back into bed together and wouldn't stop fucking every time they met up, despite that choice being detrimental to their relationship and preventing them from discussing important things.

Eddie was so busy fucking his wife like a rabbit in springtime that he couldn't settle down and talk with her. He fucked her repeatedly even though he didn't fully trust her with their son anymore. If that's not thinking with your dick I don't know what is.

Eddie's grief over Shannon's loss and his complicated feelings about her (his love for her vs his anger at her choices vs his own poor self-esteem) haunted him throughout season three. It's why he joined the fight club. It haunts him in season four, when he chooses to date Ana to give Chris a substitute mother even though he is not yet ready to date/move on from Shannon.

Even if I put on my Buddie shipper goggles and say, "what about Buck?" I do not think it makes any sense whatsoever for Eddie to be aware of his feelings for Buck pre-shooting. I think that is the moment he realizes what his heart wants and where he's chosen to love again. Not before.

Bobby moving on with Athena does in no way erase his love for his previous wife, and he went through a process similar to Eddie - in fact that similarity is part of why Bobby sees so much of himself in Eddie and why he tries to give Eddie advice on the subject. But I have to wonder, if Bobby had dated Michael instead of Athena, if the fandom would react the same way they do with Eddie - if they would claim Bobby was gay the whole time, and never truly felt sexual attraction for his wife.

I know Shannon is a disliked character by and large (I'm one of the people who dislikes her) and that her relationship with Eddie was complicated. Eddie wasn't always happy in his relationship with her. But neither was Athena, and yet the fact she was once attracted to and in love with Michael is never questioned.

Eddie is simply not allowed nuance in his relationship with Shannon. He is not allowed (as Bobby and Athena are) to have a complicated relationship with his spouse or to move on with another character while not denying his previous attraction to her. Eddie's relationship with Shannon is reduced to something he did because he had to, without any genuine sexual attraction, and without any sexual enjoyment. He is allowed to love her, but to never have been in love with her.

Eddie's biggest arc and piece of character development for two whole seasons (seasons two and three, arguably parts of season four) are erased.

The underlying message, whether intended or not, is that they are erased because they do not matter. And they do not matter because if they did, Eddie would be bi, or queer, or anything except 100% homosexual. And that means that the underlying message is that being gay is more important, more valid, and better than bisexuality.

I'm not saying this message is intentional. Frankly I don't think it is. I'm saying it is there.

And of course, when others have pointed out that this is hurtful and erases a big part of Eddie's history, and that therefore makes them feel ignored and erased as a bisexual person, there's been hostility. Some of it's been openly hostile and frankly feels like fighting for the sake of fighting, the kind of self-righteous love of blood in the water that has kept me a lurker in fandoms for so long.

The more insidious hurt, for me, is the people who refuse to publicly support people who call out the biphobia. They say nothing when people talk about how they're attacked for pointing out the issues with gay!Eddie, or they support both gay!Eddie and bi!Eddie sides, depending on the time of day and who's saying it. It makes me distrusting of a lot of people who try to tell me they support me. How can I believe you when you turn around and agree with the people saying Eddie's gay? Reblogging posts and championing it?

At best it feels like being accidentally hurtful while supporting/being open to multiple headcanons. At worst it feels like lying to placate me.

I don't appreciate being placated.

Fandom can give a skewed perspective on things such as representation in media. I understand that many people who identify as 6 on the Kinsey Scale have struggled deeply with repression, self-loathing, ignorance, and compulsive heterosexuality. I understand wanting that representation, especially in an older character when it feels like a lot of our media is still about queer teenagers rather than queer adults (especially queer adults over the age of thirty). And so with many slash ships having to deal with the existence of opposite-sex love interests in the characters comprising that ship, bisexuality can feel like the norm when in reality, characters who are gay (whether they always knew it or discover it later) are still much more prevalent than bisexual characters in media.

For example, in Our Flag Means Death we have Stede. In IT, Richie is inferred to be gay rather than bi (god forbid they confirm Eddie K's gayness but that's another matter...) In fact, in 9-1-1 alone, we have Michael. There's also the matter of who gets to be gay and who gets to be bi. In Glee, for example, Santana is the one who gets the nuanced coming-out story with drama and depth. Brittany, her bisexual girlfriend, doesn't get nearly as much attention or thought, and off-screen cheats on Santana in a staggering moment of biphobia (a decision the likes of which Ryan Murphy is not-so-affectionately known for).

Yet from people who headcanon Eddie as gay I repeatedly see the rallying cry of "letting us have this," as if 'this' is something they never get, or get less than bisexual people. Again, I understand the way fandom might skew things. But we cannot allow the broken goggles of fandom to, in turn, blinker our reality of the media landscape. Bisexuality is still less represented, and the wounds of "oh being with X man is nothing like all those women I was with, this is special and real" are still fresh (looking at you, Destiel shippers circa 2009-2012).

In fact as I out myself here as uh one of those veterans, I implore people to understand how this was the norm for so, so many years. Fandom has a short memory, I get it. It's hard to keep track of everything. But this embrace of bisexuality is rather recent. You look around and you see, for example, people happily joking about Dean Winchester's bisexuality. That was not always the case. For a long time, it was about perpetuating biphobia and casual misogyny as shippers wrote meta and fic about how no woman could ever make him feel like Cas does.

*pause for war flashbacks*

This was not the only instance or fandom. But I don't have time to name all the examples. My point is that there is a false collective narrative. My point is that when you are hurt, and have struggled, it can be hard to see that others have also been hurt and have also struggled. My point is that there is a continued instinct to put a certain type of character in one box and another type of character in a different box, and to try and expand the boxes, or move one character to another, is treated as a personal attack rather than an expansion of our understanding and a dismantling of our stereotypes.

Why is it always the character who has a lot of sex and/or is super comfortable on the subject of sex, or is very casual about sex, who gets to be bi/pan/fluid in sexuality? Why are bi people never allowed to be reserved, or have only one or two partners in their life?

Why is the character who is casual (or seems like they will be casual) and relaxed about sexuality the one who is labeled bisexual? Why are bisexuals never allowed to have angst around their sexuality or come out later in life? Why is our pain, our internal struggle, never allowed to be discussed?

I'm not saying Buck should be viewed as gay. I think it's correct to talk about him as bi/pan/queer. But I do think it's fair to examine why Buck's relationship with Abby is viewed in its proper important context while Eddie's relationship with Shannon is diminished and ignored.

Buck gets to talk about Abby. He gets to have genuinely been in love with her. He gets to retain that piece of his character. Eddie does not. Eddie's relationship with Shannon ended up hurting him just as much as Buck's relationship with Abby, in fact even more so, and yet people handwave that away as compulsive heterosexuality (which is not restricted to gay people, by the way, bi people experience that as well) and act like he didn't actually fall in love with her and have repeated enthusiastic sex with her.

People love to tout Ana as proof that Eddie is gay, but it doesn't matter what your sexuality is - if you aren't attracted to someone and you don't want them touching you, then you don't want them touching you. If you don't want to have sex with someone, you don't want to have sex with someone. Your sexuality doesn't matter. Just because a man is straight doesn't mean he wants to have sex with all women. Just because a man is gay doesn't mean he wants to have sex with all men. Just because a person is bi doesn't mean they want to have sex with everyone on the planet. And just because someone is asexual doesn't mean they have no libido or would never have sex at all for another reason (intimacy, fun, etc.). Sexual desire and drive are a very personal things, and both romantic and sexual attraction can play various roles or no role at all depending on the individual.

Eddie’s refusal to sleep with Ana or touch her is not a sign of him being gay as opposed to bi or queer or any other sexuality. It’s not a sign of any sexuality at all. It’s a sign that he was forcing himself into that relationship. He didn't want to be with Ana. He didn't love Ana. He didn't want to have sex with Ana.

Now, do I think how he broke up with her - his words about "the idea of us" - is insanely queer? Yes. Yes I do. And yes, for the record, I think that was deliberate on the part of the writers. But that simply says to me that he's queer. Not gay, not bi, not pan, not demi, not anything other than not straight.

To take that speech and those words and to say they could only possibly apply to a fully 100% gay man as opposed to anyone under the queer umbrella is hurtful. People's experiences as gay people are valid, and often, sadly, painful and just like Eddie's. But so are people's experiences as bi people, as pan people, as unlabeled people, as 'queer as in fuck you' people.

To wit: People ignore canonical evidence about Shannon, and claim canonical evidence about Ana as their own and no one else's, in order to support their interpretation of Eddie's sexuality.

That erases the rest of us.

I know that's hard to hear. I know that sounds like it comes with judgment. You are trying to speak your own truth, and you are identifying strongly with a character that you love, and it's hard to then hear that in doing those things, you are hurting or erasing others. I've had to hear that in my time, and I'm sure I'll have to hear it again, and it's never easy. But we must sit with this discomfort as our friend, not our foe, and use it to grow.

However, since fandom is our safe space, we often view anything and everything as a personal attack, and we often make judgments and interpretations based too strongly on our own experiences. Sometimes this is a good thing - I think the number of people who say Buck reminds them of their own ADHD are correct and that it adds great depth to his character. I'm glad Oliver has embraced it. I think the people who say Eddie speaks to their own demisexuality have a great point and I think it adds nuance to his character and behavior.

(In fact I also love trans!Buck headcanons! I think they're neat and I've read some fics I enjoyed that featured that.)

On the other hand, however, it often leads to people adding interpretations onto things that do not reflect canon or the actual character. They then view others pointing out the lack of support for this in canon, or the contradiction with canon, as a personal attack (looking at you, "Chim is abusive" people, go jump in a lake). It's hard to take that breath and recognize that not everything a character is or does or experiences is the same as what you are, or do, or have experienced. Especially when it touches on something as personal and important as our sexuality.

Because of this, I debated a long time on whether I should say something. I tried to identify the difference between what hurt me because it didn't line up with my thoughts and what hurt me because of actual stereotyping. I worked to make sure that this was more than simply taking an innocuous difference of opinion and twisting it into a personal attack.

Which brings me to why I say the word 'unsafe'. That seems like an extreme word. But I've seen people say that they "got a brain" and realized Eddie was gay, not bi. I've seen people take gifsets that mention Eddie being bi and tag them 'okay but I believe in gay!Eddie' or 'I'm a gay!Eddie truther'. I've seen people go out of their way in fics to mention Eddie disliking/being grossed out by female genitalia. I've seen fanartists put Eddie in gay colors/flags as opposed to bi/demi/etc colors/flags, on art that really didn't need it to convey the story - as if one cannot make a piece of art with Eddie on it without declaring one's opinion on his sexuality.

(Yes, I think there's a strong possibility that Eddie is demisexual. I wish people would embrace that idea more. Personally, I think he wouldn't label himself at all and simply say he was queer if asked. But given the discussion we're having right now on this post about gay/bi headcanons, I think it's clear a lot of people actually aren't as ready to embrace or consider minority sexualities as they might like to think.)

I repeat: this is not just happening on a person's own art or post or fanfic. People are reblogging posts, gifsets, and so on that mention bisexual Eddie and saying, okay but I see him as gay. They are not content to live and let live. They are actively saying they disagree. If you disagree, then why reblog the thing that talks about/mentions Eddie as bi? Why not simply leave it be?

I cannot overstate how hurtful this is; how much it feels like erasure, dismissal, and condescension.

You cannot tell me if that was something you saw about your gender, or sexuality, or so on, that you wouldn't begin to feel unsafe. That you wouldn't begin to question if you would be unheard, or dismissed, or viewed as less-than. Tell me you wouldn't start to wonder, if you were a character on a TV show, if people wouldn't erase your sexual and romantic history and ignore a big piece of yourself because certain sexualities just weren't good enough for them.

You cannot tell me that in seeing these things you wouldn't walk away with the idea that bisexuality (or other sexualities in general but bisexuality is the one brought up and to which being gay is compared in regards to Eddie) is viewed as lesser to these people, and to the community at large. You cannot tell me that some people are not internalizing this narrative, no matter what their own sexuality might be.

And, yes, reading that earlier paragraph you might say, "Mads, are you vagueing?" That is not my intention. I want to head off at the pass the rebuttal that this isn't happening. I want to cut off the demand for examples. However, I'm also not going to name names, because I don't wish to cause harm to people who I think, by and large, are well-meaning.

That's what I'm hoping is true, in writing this. That most of the people reading this, and pushing the Eddie-is-gay narrative, are well-meaning. "I'm bi myself!" many of you will say.

Yes, well. I'm a woman and I was perfectly capable of a lot of misogynistic thinking growing up, and I often fell into sexist stereotypes in my headcanons and writing and so on.

But I hope, since most of you are well-meaning, this post will instead cause you to think, and examine, and ponder.

I'm sure many people reading this are rolling their eyes and thinking, "what about the first rule of fandom? Ship and let ship? Kink tomato? Etc? Let people have different headcanons." I've certainly seen such flippant remarks from people before on this very subject in this fandom.

And the thing is, I have really tried to do that. I have tried to take it that way. But I think that it's also entirely fair for me to be hurt when a person's headcanon/interpretation ignores canon and erases a big part of a character's life and history.

I know, I know, we could get into a big philosophical discussion about how slash and femslash shipping by nature does something along those lines. But I feel that in the now-common interpretation of Eddie as gay, there is a pushing of stereotypes about both gay and bisexual people. There is a splitting of hairs on queerness. There is a subtext, whether acknowledged or not by those who push this interpretation, that being gay as opposed to a more fluid sexuality is more painful, more fraught, more challenging. That bisexuality, pansexuality, queerness as an umbrella term - those are less fraught and inherently easier. It's one of the pillars upon which exclusion in the queer community is based.

It also, generally, ignores the idea that one's sexuality can change over time. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe most people with the interpretation of Eddie as gay actually view him as being gay now and that's how he identifies now without erasing his canonical (and important) sexual and romantic attraction to Shannon. But that doesn't seem to be the case, and I certainly don't want to risk myself emotionally by trying to find out.

Not to mention that hey, when people are saying something is hurtful to them, seeing people make posts hand-waving and saying "get over yourselves, relax, take a chill pill" feels beyond condescending and dismissive.

I'd like to make it clear, I'm not asking for people to never write Eddie as gay, and that we should never see Eddie as gay again in this fandom, or that anyone who writes Eddie as gay should be dogpiled. I'm not the boss of anyone, I'm not the fandom police, I don't make the rules. But I think, when a certain behavior brings people pain - and more people than just myself, as I have learned in many private conversations - there comes a time when the least one can do is speak up about it.

Sometimes someone needs to be the one to stand up and say, "this hurts me. I am in pain, and this is why."

Again, especially when people are going out of their way to say "but I disagree, he's gay" on posts, gifsets, and so on mentioning Eddie having a different sexuality. You might feel this post is unnecessary. You might feel it's preachy. You might feel I should shut up and get off my high horse.

But the fact of the matter is when you come into someone's house tracking mud and they tell you to clean it up, you don't get to yell at them and claim they are trying to stop you from playing outside.

I kept my silence on this for a long time and part of that was I didn't want to police anyone. Now, however, we are at a point where people who think Eddie is gay are invading other people's spaces. It's not just that this headcanon is everywhere. It's not just that people are using such dismissive language when the possibility of Eddie liking women comes up. It is also that people are going out of their way to dismiss Eddie's bisexuality and argue that their interpretation is better on posts about Eddie being bi.

So frankly, I don't think anyone gets to walk away from this scoffing "don't like don't read" at me when nobody else around here is offering me that courtesy. If I could avoid reading it, I would. You came into my house, and the house of everyone else who makes a post, a fic, a gif, about Eddie being anything except a Kinsey 6.

Yes, reblogs are turned off for this. Anon is also turned off. You might say that's cutting off discussion, and you would be right. The blunt truth is I don't trust people online to respond with thoughtfulness, good faith, and care. I don't trust people to take their time and think before shooting off an emotional, defensive response. And I don't care to spend my time and energy educating people.

Maybe if I was a better person - a more social, more patient, and less private person - I would be the kind of person who would have the long hard discussions to educate and share my thoughts, to help you see my side. But that's not who I am, and I certainly don't owe it to anyone, not a single person here, to scrounge up my nonexistent trust and goodwill to have that discussion with you.

I've said my piece on this. I'm sure my tone seems harsh. The tone with which this is actually written is weariness, exhaustion, and, yes, nausea. It makes one sick and wears one down, to feel so on edge in a space and yet to try and ignore that to find joy anyway. Because I get a lot of joy in sharing my fics, and reblogging gifsets and meta, and I don't want to lose that joy.

But I suppose it needs to be said. I know others have said it, but I hope that I have said all this with enough calm and articulation that it will truly be understood, and it will not start drama or discourse, because that's not what I want. Truly. I spent enough of 2020 being dragged into one piece of bullshit drama after another. I'm not interested in wading back into that. I've kept pretty extreme radio silence for a reason.

My hope is simply for people to step back and take a long hard look at why they've decided one half of our ship is gay, and one half is bi, and what that might say about their subconscious stereotypes about gay and bi people.

If I've gotten you to do that, then this post is worth it.

I'm sorry I don't have any answers. I'm sure this would be a lot easier for people to read if I ended it with "and here's what to do moving forward." I think the desire to provide answers - for themselves and for others - is what drives people to make posts that condemn, or get aggressive, or seem to simply be out there to shut people up. People want to have a solution. They want the problem to go away.

I don't have a solution. I don't have answers for anyone. I truly wish I did. Part of why I've waited so long in posting this is trying to come up with a way to end this that would give people actionable steps. But at the end of the day, all I can really say is that I hope the people reading this will do some internal searching, and thoughtful discussion, and understand better the subconscious choices we make, the biases we hold, and how we can hurt people without meaning to.

I don't want apologies. I say that with love - I'm not looking for people to self-flagellate before me or make some kind of mea culpa post. I don't think that would help anything, and I don't think anyone owes that to me. Frankly I'm not interested in public discussion, and if there are posts others make about this, I don't want to see them.

You can make posts on your blog ranting about me (just please don't tag me, again, I don't want to see it). You can discuss this in your discord groups. You can vagueblog about me and chat about me in DMs. I don't care. I'd just like people to hear me say, "I am hurt, and you are hurting me, and I know it's not intentional, but this is why." Anything else is up to you. Any changes, in thought or behavior, are up to you. Probably nothing will change. But at least I've said something, and I've tried.

Thank you for reading this far, and I hope you have a great day. Stay safe and take care of yourself.

#I am so sorry this turned into such a manifesto #I tried to keep it succinct while also covering every possible base #to avoid misinterpretation or unkindness #but I suppose at the end of the day I am a long-winded person #who tends to over-explain everything #hopefully that over-explaining has cut down on bad faith assumptions #but with this fandom who knows #I'll probably be off tumblr for a bit because my anxiety is through the roof posting this #mads rants

[suffarustuffaru]

I'd love to hear more about Otto and Natsumi Schwartz if you have anymore thoughts on them

hah once again ty for all the cool asks its been fun answering them :o !! and arghhhhh otto and natsumi......................................... i have many thoughts.

ive been planning on making a comprehensive otto queer analysis post for a while - just bc i think my thoughts on reading otto as queer are kinda spread across different posts of mine HAH and i dont normally write very formally with proper grammar in most of my analysis posts, even (...i normally save that for my school essays...... </3) but id love to make an actual formal analysis just for the topic of queer otto bc i have been Gathering Evidence!! making theories!! otto's whole judging attitude towards natsumi is definitely part of it.

and also i do have fic wips in the works abt these sorts of topics!! i am publishing one sometime this month or early next month!!

anyway i went over like my theory on otto being a little fixated on normalcy in asks like this one.... which is yknow due to being an outcast his entire life so then he ends up overcorrecting a little (see: him insisting on wearing green bc he thinks itll help him look approachable) but then he never fits in anywhere Except for the emilia camp anyway so :,))

that, and. you would Think that otto wouldnt give a shit bc of his dp. like animal biology is soo widely different between different animals, biological sex can be a little complicated at times (like. snails. for example) and of course animals all work Really differently, but also sometimes animals will have sex with other members of their species with the same sex (like bats. or giraffes.) so its like. Yes, human sex and gender and sexuality and human concepts of these things are Not comparable to animals but its still like - these are natural things, you know? and ottos talked with lots of animals and probably seen a bit of shit, so you would expect him not to be homophobic or transphobic or anything right?

and i think on one level he would recognize human sex, gender, and sexuality as natural things, bc they are, but i also think otto still has internalized shit going on from all the times hes struggled with learning social rules and how human connection works as he was growing up, id say. i remember how in my. um. "how homophobic would rz characters be" tier list i had to move otto UP a tier into the same tier as FERRIS AND SUBARU.... in the DEALING WITH INTERNALIZED SHIT tier..... yes. i have reasons for doing that yep!!

so. in three idiots goddess statue episode, garf otto and subaru of course crossdress to go to this party with roswaal for Reasons!!!! and ottos got a bit of an attitude about the crossdressing ok. just gonna leave some excerpts from there regarding otto's feelings on natsumi and crossdressing:

She is a thin woman with wavy gray hair and beautiful ornaments. She has a neutral face, but the lightly applied makeup enhances her good looks. She looks so good in a dress that exposes her thin white shoulders that it is a shame that she walks with her head down.

Natsumi: “So, how long are you going to keep your mouth shut? Don't you think it's time to make up your mind?” Audrey: “I'm more curious as to why you're so adamant about this!” Natsumi: “Oh-ho-ho-ho” Audrey blushed and yelled at Natsumi, who put her hand over her mouth and laughed loudly. However, in no time at all. Audrey immediately covered her face with her hands, as if ashamed of herself. Audrey: “How could this happen? If I knew there had been two other people besides me, I wouldn't have had to resort to such emergency measures! I've been tricked!"

Needless to say, it was Garfiel who was dressed as the blonde woman, and Otto as the gray-haired woman. And the last one, Natsumi Schwartz, was the one who… Subaru: “So she's the temporary form of Natsuki Subaru, as you know.” Otto: “Um, how come you're so smooth and perfect? Even your voice has changed, hasn't it?” Subaru: “Actually, I failed once before because I couldn't change my voice. Ever since then, I've been practicing for a chance at revenge.”

Subaru: “Did you actually have a secret desire to dress as a woman? So you took this opportunity to......?” Otto: “don’t look at me like you've just found out the terrible truth!” Otto spat and screamed at Subaru's shocked face. Then, while he was breathing hard. Otto: “Your crazy prediction is way off! I really only did what Ram asked me to do. I thought I was doing the camp a favor, and this is how they treat me!” Subaru: “Wow, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, calm down. Look, you're ruining your pretty face....…” Otto: “Shut up”

With the men calling out to her one after another, Audrey left the crowd and took a breath. She wanted to sit on the balcony and enjoy the cool breeze to cool down the heat of the party. To be honest, since we entered the venue, the men have been constantly coming at us with no time to rest. Audrey had heard that this was a place to meet people, but the hunt of a hungry wolf is insatiable. They are so hungry that they are even blinded by the gender of the person in front of them. If they don't develop a better eye for women, even if they do meet someone, they will probably end up unhappy. Or is it that "good"?  Audrey: “Hmm, makeup is scary. I can see how men can turn into....…”

Audrey glanced toward the center of the hall. There, as usual, Natsumi was having a good time chatting with many of the participants. She was so excited that she could be heard shouting over and over again. Garnet: “Captain...... No, not so much as a lady” Audrey: “I really wonder what's going on with that guy....... I'm worried that he won't respond to me calling him Natsuki-San anymore.”

Gwain: “No, no, no, enough is enough. You ladies are beautiful, especially that dark-haired girl, Natsumi Schwartz. She's got the youngsters by the balls. She's a bad girl.” Audrey: “Ha-ha-ha.” Audrey couldn't help but let out a hearty laugh and failed to look feminine.

Then, smiling with her hand over her mouth, is a woman with distinctive mean looking eyes. With her unusual black hair and jet-black dress, she exudes elegance in her demeanor. Perhaps it's because she's a good talker and a good listener, but she seems to be able to swim through the social scene with ease, laughing and creating a friendly atmosphere even when surrounded by several men.  I couldn't decide whether I should be impressed or dismayed by her versatility. A short distance away, a sharp-looking blonde woman silently waved away the men who approached her, creating a stark contrast between the light and dark of the people involved. And to those of us on the sidelines, watching the scene…

anyway so. thats a whole lot of excerpts and theres probably at least a little bit more in that ss that i didnt put in this post hah.... and i know that you could definitely interpret these scenes in a few different ways, and also that when youre writing about gender, your feelings on it are likely to bleed into the text a bit and so some of stuff like otto being a Bit of an Asshole in this ss might just be tappei's tappei-isms also (which is most likely the case for stuff like this entire ss tbh :,)) ) but. but i do think theres Something here to be analyzed in regards to otto!!

bc like. lbr. i really doubt that otto is Straight. i really really doubt that hes straight, and i feel like theres just so so much possible gay subtext behind whatever the hell ottos feelings for subaru are thatre scattered across side content and the main story HAH...... this isnt even my ottosuba bias talking, its genuinely what i think could be happening here. and lbr if otto was female everyone and their mother would be shipping ottosuba more i think haha.

but yeah anyway otto shows up being a little...... wack..... about crossdressing??? HM. hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. but also the rezero fantasy world seems to be rather Judgmental about these sorts of things anyway so. :,)))

but i am squinting HARD at "I'm worried that he won't respond to me calling him 'Natsuki-san' anymore".............. and the hungry wolf part......... im squinting at it for multiple reasons (tappei being tappei) (.....but also WHAT is going on in otto's head...)..... "I couldn't decide whether I should be impressed or dismayed by her versatility."............

anyway. i think this could be several possiblities....

otto is once again focused on what's considered "normal" and is focused on trying to at least Attempt to fit into societal ideas of normalcy so when he sees subaru whos this absolutely chaotic and bold person whos also like Queer In Every Direction, otto's brain basically shortcircuits. hes like "wtf how are you doing that. you cant do that. thats not allowed. youre so confident about this too. wtf" (ie: ............otto is transphobic.) (this is 1ooo% the most likely option)

otto is gay for subaru and subaru dressing as a woman gives otto a little bit of a bi crisis. natsumis a bad girl thats got youngsters by the balls, you see. also bc subaru called otto pretty and otto was immediately like "SHUT UP" like T^TT

otto is gay for subaru and subaru dressing as a woman gives otto a tiny itty bitty crisis bc if subaru's sex was female and if subaru was 100% a woman then liking subaru romantically would be a million times easier bc then its societally acceptable

otto, being a bit of a manipulative asshole, goes "hm. subaru-as-natsumi effortlessly charming the room? interesting. i approve of the political maneuvering."

otto is being an asshole, once again, to complain, once again, about all the work he Willingly Does for his friends

................................................gender envy???????

or feeling off bc hes uncomfortable crossdressing just bc of that mismatch between his gender presentation and his gender yknow

otto is feminine/androgynous, so could he have been made fun of for this in the past?????????????????? does he ever get uncomfy about that?????????????????????? not being traditionally masculine??????? bc otto easily passes as a woman when hes crossdressing?????????

a mix of a few of the above options!!!!!

but yeah like. ottos clearly ashamed and embarrassed to be crossdressing. he's also been mistaken for a woman in the past (in subaru's pov) bc yknow hes very androgynous. and also otto gets Really Fucking Defensive when subaru insinuates that otto couldve wanted to dress as a woman also this entire time. the "youre ruining your pretty face..." "shut up." exchange is SOOOO.... T^TT

(and also quick side note but i think ottos stance on queerness is "i dont think its personally wrong. except that i think its wrong Societally bc society will be a bitch about it!! too much Trouble and Work For Me!!!! " :,)))) fucking bitch. thanks otto </333)

and im sure the "I'm worried that he won't respond to me calling him 'Natsuki-san' anymore" line is a dig at subaru passing so so strongly as natsumi that ottos like "urgh hes more of a Woman now" or smth :,))))) however!! its also interesting just bc "natsuki-san" is like. otto turned it into a pet name. basically. like at this point. even though he and subaru have grown closer during and after arc 4 otto Still uses "natsuki-san" - its kind of special, yknow? dude turned that into a fond nickname. so its like..................... if you squint.... why is otto basically saying "will subaru being natsumi drive him away from me..." like im gonna slap otto across the face i swear HAHA. but also otto Does use "natsumi-san" towards natsumi as well but im still. squinting hard at that. "natsuki-san" is The original pet name, after all.

and also the hungry wolf lines... like i know the intent of that is like. otto as audrey keeps getting hit on by guys at this party bc shes attractive, right, with her dress and makeup and styled hair and all that. insert tappei's tappei-isms here. but ottos musing on this like "mm.... men can be so hungry in their romantic pursuits that they'd be blind to the true gender of the person theyre hitting on...... makeup can really do such a thing huh... turns men into Animals..." and its like. hm. otto. you know. i Wonder. i really wonder my guy after hearing about you be obsessive over subaru for like three arcs!!!!!!!!!!

as for ottos gender like. dude is cisgender in canon im sure. though i definitely think its fun to explore genderqueer interpretations of him - and even then, i think even if he isnt genderqueer, i think there might be a bit of shock or even envy, if you squint, at otto seeing subaru so flamboyant and way more confident about crossdressing while ottos over here ducking his head and red with embarrassment while natsumi is absolutely OWNING it. despite the judgment otto and other people are giving!!! otto could Never. it completely blows ottos mind a little, from the looks of it. "how come youre so smooth and perfect?", the defensiveness at subaru saying otto couldve secretly wanted to dress as a woman, "i couldnt decide whether to be impressed or dismayed", and of course it all goes back to subaru being in the spotlight and otto watching from the sidelines. in the Darkness, you could say. hahahaahahahah................. subaru who gets easily into trouble and seems so so shameless about things while ottos so distressed about it.... about every little thing................

but also i do have another running theory that subaru's masculinity issues and otto's androgyny do clash a little just bc. well subarus judged ferris a bit before - "what part of you is like a man?" iirc is the line from arc 4 wn that subaru said to ferris. and subaru can feel more confident bc hey.... im more masculine than a guy like otto, right? otto, who can easily be mistaken for a girl? but im sure subaru would be a little jealous, even. maybe. bc woah. i want to pass as a girl when i decide to dress as one. and then yknow ottos being a dick abt it. maybe its a "im a man and Not a woman" (cisgender man who is uncomfortable dressing as a woman and knows this is not for him) thing too or maybe its a "im a man and Not a woman, so doing this is stupid and beneath me" (internalized/not internalized transphobia????????????) thing???????

yeah so idk i feel like theres different ways to read this fr especially when. haah..................... otto is Not Straight for subaru. thats for sure.

so why are you being an asshole about your crush crossdressing????????? why does it kind of threaten you a bit???????????????????????? why are you behaving this way????????????????????

but if you think about it i do think that maybe. at the heart of all of this. otto is just upset at the Impossibility of him and subaru being together (in any sense of that word) bc theyre so similar but so so different and it makes them clash in every way. :,))))

#save for later #<<< for when i finally get to doing that Formal queer otto analysis :<<< #rezero #re:zero #natsuki subaru #otto suwen #natsumi schwartz #ask #...... #audrey souffle #thats a great fucking alias right there. souffle..... #very cute name!!! #i defff think though ottos backstory affects a lot of his personality of course #like on a deeper level than some ppl probs think abt with him #like dude Does have internalized shit going on HAH #like nooooo donntttt you twink!!!! dont get brainwashed by terrible societal norms!!!!!!! pls!!!! :(( >:(((

[royalberryriku]

That one post™ I read recently about being transfem gays and transmasc lesbians got me thinking about gender and sexuality and mine specifically and just... I have so many thoughts and feelings about this.

So many queers assume gender to be this: woman, man or non binary (assumed to mean agender). Yet, so many of us just don't fit into that at all. I know it's not out of malice too, and sometimes we even do know that it's not that simple and try to include bigender, gender fluid, etc in that, but even so, we always go back to assumptions; to a set bias of binary of which we struggle to undo the rules we've set in our own heads and perspectives.

Suddenly, we have limits of which do exclude other queers and even sometimes ourselves, we have hypocritical definitions and fall into a habit of drawing lines around what is This and what is That. And I get it; we want to know ourselves better, to word our experiences more exactly and describe to those around us what it's like to live as someone like us. But here's the thing; that's always not going to be 100% possible. There's always going to be differences and variation even within the same definitions and labels. No matter how similar we may be in regards to a shared experiences and shared struggles, there'll always be exceptions.

Gender and sexuality are like that. I'll expand on this below:

For those who are not transgender or who just generally struggle with this topic and don't know much about it, here's an outline:

Gender identity is, in a very general sense, one's perception of their identity as a person; it's that question of who they are and what they want to be referred to and seen as. For example, if you go up to a cis lady and start making her out to be a man simply because she has short hair, she'd get offended, right? Same case with transgender people, if you start pointing at their chest or at a beard or something like that and start assigning an identity that doesn't align with who they are, they'd get offended for the same exact reason; because they are [insert gender] regardless of appearance.

Now, with that understood, I'll continue with this discussion of sexuality, mine specifically, and then move onto my gender and it's lack of conformity.

I'm bisexual; I'm attracted to all genders, all sexes, all everythings. In fact, more so than most people I know, I have a very diverse range of things I'm into and attracted to. But not every bisexual person is like that. Some bisexual people like only certain things and some only like specific genders. We all have our own different preferences and no two people will have the exact same sexuality; because we are all unique in what we like. And even in saying that for myself, this was a journey of discovery after spending years as asexual, then a lesbian, then a heterosexual man, then someone who used both straight and lesbian to describe by love of women as someone whose gender was indistinct and now as bisexual having now realised I do love men and other genders as well. All throughout this process, I was surrounded by a community, one I still feel very connected to and have some overlap with as well. It's interesting and beautiful how these people both differ from me and yet how also similar we still are, even now.

Sexualities are here, as terms, to help us find more people who are similar; to find solidarity in a shared experience. However, it isn't to find those exactly the same because, see, that just doesn't exist. That's why lesbian and gay can actually have some overlap, that's why woman and man aren't opposites, that's why gender isn't this "one or the other" thing; because experience is far too varied to ever be narrowed down to such a degree. It's always going to be general; an inexact estimate of similarities that more or less fit a vague definition.

My gender on the other hand? Now that's even more complicated. As I said before, most assume it's a "one or the other" deal, even with non binary in the mix, but the thing is that these terms are general; they are vague and can overlap. I'm a trans man, but I'm also non binary. I am a man, and sometimes I want to be perceived as the same as a cis man, but not always. This also is something that means I may fit under being gender fluid. However, on top of that, I am more often than not two or more things at once. I'm a man, but I also see myself as a butch lady at the same time. This also fits under the definition of being bigender. Yet, on top of that? There are also times when I just feel removed from gender identity as a thing all together. This also fits with agender.

Now, for those who may not be so familiar with all these terms I'm throwing around, I'm essentially saying my identity in regards to the question "are you a man or woman" or even "so are you neither" is very fluid, but it's also both and sometimes even neither or all of the above. The hard thing is this; we have this pre-established subconscious bias that these things are all opposites, that there's a definitive line that divides them. However, in my own experience, this just doesn't apply to everyone and especially not to me who struggles to know where I'd even begin to draw such a line for myself. Woman and man are simply not opposites to me because I am something that overlaps. I'm a man, 100%, not leaning or "a bit"; I am absolutely, entirely a boy. However, my gender would be something that shifts to the same as, say, a he/him lesbian that may not feel that they are a man per se. The difference is I'm both, and many lesbians and trans men do fit into that both category and have throughout history. Take Leslie Feinberg for instance, the author of Stone Butch Blues. Or the various other cases of butch lesbians and trans men overlapping in history or being mistaken for one another. There is a blurred region that can't be asked or told "oh but which are you" or even "so you're neither" because, at least in my case, I am both. I am 100% of both and it would be inaccurate and a lie to say I am neither, as much as it would be inaccurate or a lie to say I'm one of the other.

And you know what? It's okay if we don't understand what that means or where that fits. It's okay if all of what I said about myself has confused the living hell out of you. You don't need to understand me just like I don't need to understand you or anyone else to simply coexist and respect that we're going to have different preferences and views. I'll never know what it's like to be entirely in a binary, to be able to conform because I am simply unable to if I am to truely be myself and allow whatever that is to just exist. I also don't even necessarily have to understand it, as long I allow myself to exist.

I could honestly go on and on about sexuality, gender, romance, self identity and overall the value of finding community while also loving the value of one's own uniqueness, but I'll settle with this for now. All I'll say in regards to that is that this all also applies to being aromantic, demisexual, demigirl/boy, omnisexual, polysexual, xenogenders, pansexual and many, many other terms. These are all simply here to better understand ourselves and create more understanding of experiences that may no fit into other pre-existing terms. That's awesome and something to embrace. You don't even necessarily have to worry about understanding these or remembering them all. At the end of the day, these people are all simply fellow queers and define themselves in a range of both different or similar ways to the more well known sexualities and orientations, stretching back to heterosexuality and the norm of cisgender experiences. These are all simply terms to describe the differences between each of these lived experiences; all these different people in different terms aren't so different from you and you aren't so different to them.

But I digress, the point here is that regardless of gender or sexuality, nothing is set in stone and nothing can truly all be defined with one single definition. No matter how rigid the definition, no matter who is excluded or included, no matter how much it fits you or someone else, it won't fit everyone perfectly and there'll always be differences even within those labels. That's a fact of life and the beauty of it. It's part of why I am protective of the word queer and gay; a word that means different and a word that means happy. Because to live as truely to yourself as possible, enjoy the splendor of those little quirks and unique bits to yourself, to fall in love with yourself regardless of if you're the same or completely different or what or who you are? That's beautiful and wonderful. It's something to be proud of and celebrated. And it's something I wish for all of us to be able to one day appreciate; falling in love with ourselves and our unique existences.

#transgender #queer #nonbinary #gay #bisexuality #asexuality #lesbian #writing community #gender #writing #politics #gender identity #essay writing #writers on tumblr #sexuality #homosexuality #non binary #agender #genderfluid #genderqueer #bigender #transmasc #transfem #self love #solidarity #pride #trans men #trans women #trans is beautiful #trans rights

[foxymoxynoona]

The Secret Song Series Masterlist

All banners and lines by @awrkive

Summary: Jungkook lost his heart pretty much as soon as he saw Sasha Prazdnikova in Little Bean coffee shop, and hers didn't actually wait much longer. But life as a world-famous idol isn't easy, and life as an idol's girlfriend might be even worse, especially when Sasha already has her own stressful career and her own personal demons from a painful childhood of abuse and trauma. Their love and admiration for each other are clear, but is it enough to hold them together through the years? How can a relationship survive when your love story has to be sung through secret songs?

Idol AU Jungkook x Russian-American OC Includes other members x other OC relationships as well

WHOLE SERIES CW: explicit sex, alcohol, drugs, hard drug use, serious mental health issues, unhealthy coping mechanisms, references to self harm/suicide, references to/healing after child abuse and sex trafficking, anxiety, depression, PTSD, infertility, poverty, queerness and identity, unhealthy past relationships, abusive parents, alcoholism & addiction in loved ones, STDs, pregnancy scare, childbirth complications, harassment (sexual and non-sexual), celebrity scandal, enlistment

Explicit sex over the course of the series includes but is not limited to: first time, oral sex, vaginal sex w/o condoms, anal sex, tons of cum, semi-public sex, public sex, masturbation, marathon sex, explicit photos & videos, failed sex, period sex, drunk sex, porn consumption, hand jobs and fingering, one night stands, sex toys, sex under the influence of drugs and alcohol

This story DOES NOT include: depictions of graphic sexual assault, dub-con, depictions of suicide or self harm, scenes involving underage sex, or graphic excessive violence

Summary: Nothing has been normal for Jungkook since he moved to Seoul to become a trainee as a boy, and yet noticing a beautiful girl in a coffee shop is the most normal thing a young man can do. Asking her out, super normal. Falling in love, totally normal. Everything about Sasha makes him feel normal and important, and yet nothing can ever be truly normal when your relationship has to be secret.

CW: explicit sex, first time sex, virgin Jungkook, mature language, alcohol, references to drug use, past sexual abuse, noona kink, panic attacks, anxiety, PTSD, sexual harassment, physical assault

Read the full story on AO3 - Complete - 536k words

Summary: Tour has ended but life only moves faster as Jungkook prepares for another album and Sasha gets exciting new career opportunities she just can’t say no to. What seems so pure and strong on summer vacation struggles under the onslaught of external pressures, internal demons, and missed connections. How can they ever find stability together when both their lives are so full of churn? And if the currents do tear them apart, how will they find their way back to each other?

AN: The fluff gets fluffier, the angst gets angstier, everyone will suffer, and if you’re looking for a simple idolverse AU, this isn’t it, as mental health issues for both Sasha and Jungkook really take the stage in this story and it's much angstier than Little Bean. But I promise happiness after the storm!

CW: Explicit sex, mature language, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, major angst, terrible decisions, reckless behavior, STDs, drug use, anal sex, semi-public sex, casual sex, oral sex, unprotected sex, unhealthy coping mechanisms, disordered eating, weight talk

Read the whole story on AO3 - Complete - 711k words

Book 3, 4, and 5 still to come...

JJK & SP: The B-Sides

One-shots, drabbles, Tumblr answers, etc that relate to Jungkook and/or Sasha

Read all on AO3 | Read on Tumblr: - Please Tell Me This Isn’t Why You Woke Me Up - I Have Secrets You Don’t Know About - Would you still love me if I was a worm? - JK and the perilla leaf - JK gets a Harley

RM: Mono to Stereo

Vignettes, one shots, notes, drabbles, song lyrics, whatever gets scratched on the notepad of Kim Namjoon's life in a fit of muse. Out of place, out of time, seemingly unconnected, when strung together, they tell the story of a search for purpose, an unearthing of identity, the growth of a man who finds himself suddenly too close to the sun.

There IS an overarching plot but the path is not direct and "chapters" are not in chronological order.

Read all on AO3 | Read on Tumblr: - Camp Hookups - September 2020 - A Breakup - June 2019

V: The Man

One-shots, drabbles, Tumblr answers, etc. that relate to Taehyung in this universe.

Read all on AO3 | Read on Tumblr: - Against A Tree

more to come <3 <3 <3

#jungkook ff #jeon jungkook ff #jungkook x oc #jeon jungkook x oc #jungkook fanfic #jungkook smut #jungkook fluff #jungkook angst #bts idol au #idol jk x oc #namjoon fanfic #namjoon ff #kim namjoon ff #namjoon x oc #namjoon angst #taehyung ff #kim taehyung ff #taehyung fanfic

[shadowsandsunset]

Realized I have a long distance QPR with my best friend today.

We've been friends since 6th grade. We met the first day of middle school.

She's my favorite person in the whole world and I love who she is as a person.

She's straight though and I am not attracted to her, even though I think she's beautiful. It would be like being attracted to the sunrise, I think. Something necessary, beautiful and beloved but not in any way that is sexual or romantic. She's family and my sister but also so much more than that.

But I was just thinking about her and realized that she and I have both agreed that we're "stuck with" one another.

And no matter what's happened in our lives in the past, we stick together and we're always there for each other.

I've literally offered to marry her before, because it wouldn't change much but the tax breaks would be nice.

She lives some hours away and eventually I'm planning on moving to be with her. It's been agreed upon that when my current job ends in a few years, I'll move to be with her.

I am queer as fuck, I've been in love with women and men and others before. I've had meaningful romantic relationships with all genders, I've had really good sex with a variety of people and I hope to have more in the future. I'm a soft butch, pansexual, genderqueer/gnc, afab. I play with sexuality and gender expression like they are Legos. To say that my romantic and sexual desires are complicated is understating it, to be honest.

This is all to say: nothing compares to the depth of my devotion and love for her. And I can say the same goes for her. She's my person. I'm her person. We are it for each other in a very platonic way.

And I wouldn't change a thing.

#qpr #queer platonic relationship #queer relationships #platonic love #platonic life partners #best friends

[hvrbingers]

[ mimi keene | cis woman | she/her | twenty-five ] ——   welcome to grimrose, yasmina abadi. it’s cool that you’re here, you know. haven’t you heard of the history of this place… anyway, how’s being a local who has been in town for twenty years, especially since you spend most of your days as a librarian and radio show host? also, not that it’s a bad thing, of course, but i’ve heard people say you can be a little distrusting more than you are loyal… but that’s just coming from people who are bored here, i promise. to me, you remind me of fake plastic trees by radiohead and the dim lights of the trailer park, years of research of beings not of this earth, and loving mysteries so much she became one. hope to see you around, mina.

full name — yasmina abadi nickname(s) — mina, yas, abadi name meaning — jasmine flower age — twenty-five date of birth — february 19th place of birth — sugar hill, new hampshire  current location — grimrose, new hampshire gender — cis-woman pronouns — she/her sexual orientation — demisexual, queer religion — islam though non practicing / agnostic / it’s complicated occupation — librarian during the day, radioshow host for harbinger cross by night  education level — masters in library science, bachelors in ufology ( yes she did study this !! ) family — arham abadi, serafina lassiter finances — poor spoken languages — arabic, english, some farsi voiceclaim — mimi keene

inspos: velma dinkley (scooby-doo), boo (fleabag), cassie ainsworth (skins), eleven (stranger things), susan storm (fantastic four), waymand wang (everything everywhere all at once), topanga lawrence (boy meets world), willow rosenberg (buffy the vampire slayer), will byers (stranger things), rogue (x-men), alice cullen (twilight lol)

tw: mentions of alcohol abuse but non descriptive, neglectful parents

yasmina was raised by a single father that never really how to father. it hadn’t always been like that, she thinks, but it’s been so long she doesn’t really remember any differently. her mother pushed out of the family because of her dad. it’s just been the two of them, though as yasmina’s gotten older his health has been declining due to his inability of letting go and putting down the drinks. while yasmina is sympathetic that not many of his friends had made it out of the war she still misses her dad and who he used to be. 

before he became who he was now he had shared his love and interests of all things cryptids and aliens, wanting to believe that they were so much more than themselves. the two had so much in common when mina was a child, looking up at the stars and wondering why. though as mina grew up the more she had to become to provider for the two of them as her dad’s health was starting to decline and he had become more erratic. but she loved her father, it was them against the world, at least that was what he would say. 

they moved to grimrose when property was cheap, but they could only really afford the trailer park but to mina it had been a paradise as it said in the name. she remembers many trips to the forest looking for the entities that would haunt the town but would think that maybe they were misunderstood. not every spirit could truly ever be evil, they all had a story to tell. and if you were to ask her she would claim that she’s seen much of the folklore and absolutely revels in it.

high school wasn’t easy, it was hard to make friends but she excelled by staying late and finishing her homework and extracurricular activities, she managed to graduate a year early than her classmates which helped her in getting her masters degree to work at the library. she had packed up her car quickly after she graduated to take a trip around the states to all the hot spots that claimed to have been alien sightings and paranormal activity, during this small gap year she interviewed a lot of people of what they had seen and started to pick up where her father had left off on his book about ufology. she’s still writing this book to this day. 

not long after did she start the process of getting her radio show which is now called harbingers cross, it’s a late night show with not that many listeners but she goes into a deep dive of all the lore that grimrose has to offer, and while it’s not popular it’s very loved by those that do turn in! she frequently tries to get guests on and tell their stories about what they’ve seen in grimrose and does a lot of research into the folklore. the show is her passion project and her pride and joy. her main focus of her radioshow is to give skeptics and people that may not understand some perspective that while their town is different that doesn’t mean that it’s bad.

personality wise she’s a ride or die for anyone that’s close to her, will often make a big batch of whatever she’s cooking and bring it over to whoever that needs it. she can look mean ( due to her resting bitch face ) but she’s just quiet and has a lot of love to give.

headcanons: 

she found a stray kitten in the alleyway outside of greasy spoons diner, and decided to take it home and nurse it back to health since it was missing part of it’s leg. she named it bitty and its now a fully healthy cat and pretty much takes it with her everywhere. and i mean literally everywhere. if you’re at the library the cat will be roaming around near her or on her lap.

has performed seances and used a ouija board in the forest no less. not really terrified of much of the folklore honestly has a lot of empathy for all the entities and thinks maybe they could use a friend. 

lowkey wants to be possessed??? girl help??? 

she has a very deep connection to the ghosts that haunt grimrose, she claims she’s a little clairvoyant while that may or may not be true, i’m sure she’s invited plenty of ghosts and is probably haunted but like… who’s to say ya know

#grimrosehqs.intro

[dragonmuse]

So I know there’s cultural expectations of queer people to look a certain way (ie lots of transfems feel pressured to be thin, fat phobia and ableism in the gay male community), do any of the main “cast” (for lack of a better term) feel pressured or insecure?

Yes, they absolutely do. Putting this one under the cut because it got long.

Oluwande almost doesn't continue his drag career over it. He blames dancing etc, but he is acutely aware of how how people respond to him before he says a word. When it seems like just another place to get rejected, he closed it all down. When Jim pushed the subject, he decided he could put up with it just a little longer if he didn't have to face it alone. Jim didn't find out about the extent of it until they were already settled into their act and successful. It's a long hard discussion, but they both come out better for it.

It's also the reason Frenchie, John and Pete have such a strong bond. None of them move effortlessly through the community, but they accepted each other right from the start.

Pete because he is sexually active and spent years going to bars to hook up, experienced way more sexual rejection. He doesn't give up because he's a stubborn man, but it wounds him. In Baby, I'm Amazed, Pete asks Lucius that first time if he finds him attractive in or out of drag because he gets far more interest from guys with a fetish for drag queens then for himself. That does things to a person. He's excellent at bluffing, but it's only when he stopped wearing a wig consistently while in drag, that he accepted himself more.

When we meet John in Someone to Watch Over Me, he has assumed that no object of his affections would ever love him back. Even years later, he almost didn't respond to the library's general call for queens who would be willing to read to children because he thought they would prefer someone that looked entirely different. It took a lot of convincing for him to go and now he loves it and gets a lot of validation from it.

Frenchie has more innate confidence, in general, but a lot of that comes from having to develop a subtle 'Fuck You' attitude as armor. He's more careful than he is insecure, but there were bad days, especially before he figured himself all the way out.

Lucius has a lot of insecurities, but as he famously says in canon 'I've decided to hold myself like I'm cute'. He has his days where he compares himself to 'cuter' men, and feels shitty about himself. Wanting to be absolute dynamite in bed started from a place of compensating for his perceived shortcomings, before he found out he just really loved it and was able to derive tremendous confidence from it.

And Eddy. It's so complicated for her. In some ways like Frenchie, she has strong 'Fuck You' armor, expect hers was reinforced by violence. On top of that they only really came into the gay community at the same time they met the love of their life.

Before that, they were able to get laid just about every time they had an interest to because they were only trying with people fairly close to their inner circle or at least would want to be close to that inner circle. No one was going to make mean passive-aggressive or sarcastic comments to someone who has no issue with extreme violence or sending their horrible lap dog to do a more predictable, but possibly final violence. (There was much debate in the company on which was worse, Eddy delivering her own form of erratic 'justice' on the spot or having Izzy just show up where you live a day later. This is neither here nor there for this ask, but can you just imagine? Yikes).

Eddy's insecurity issues far predate having sex with men, let alone being a part of the community. But hooooo boy, once they are in the there, they are rapidly made aware of some stark issues. The moving target of being femme 'enough' whatever that means comes up more than they would like both internally and externally. Layer that with race and disability and yeah, she has some bad days. After all, Stede isn't unfamiliar with finding her in ensconced in the tub with the lights out.

What makes them all able to push through is strong sense of self. The Revenge staff are a deeply anchored bunch and despite all of the shit that they may have to shovel, none of them are willing to change to become more palatable to the people that make them feel that way.

It's the one thing they all have in common and why they're able to hold together as a unit. Sure Buttons is weird and often off-putting, but he's always going to be Buttons and if you say something shitty to him, you deal with all of them now.

It's also the thing that Stede needed to learn the most and accidentally fell into surrounding himself with. Chameleon pre-Revenge Eddy needed it too.

(Personal note here: I have a deep craving for community and I think that's where almost all of these stories spring from. I sincerely thank all of you that have read all of these stories and get to the end of answers like these, interact or reach out because it makes me feel a part of something.

This has taken me way longer to do than most asks. I've gone back through and fixed and added and adjusted. I'm still not sure I nailed it, but I have to go to sleep at some point.

Let's say if nothing else, they all get by with a little help from their friends. )

#leda house and the kraken verse #ask answered

[ash-and-books]

Rating: 1/5

Book Blurb: Come out. Break up. Stay friends? In this heartwarming queer love story about love of all kinds, exes navigate new crushes, new feelings, and a newly uncertain future after unexpectedly coming out to each other on prom night turns their lives—and their friendship—upside down. Can they figure out how to move on without losing each other? Jillian and Henry are the kind of couple who do everything together. They take the same classes, have the same hobbies, and applied for the same super-competitive scholarship so they can go to the same dream college. They even come out as gay to each other on the same night, after junior prom, prompting a sudden breakup that threatens their intertwined identities and carefully designed future. Jillian knows the only way to keep everything on track is to approach their breakup with the same precision and planning as their scholarship application. They will still be “Jillian and Henry”—even if they’re broken up. Except they hadn’t planned on Henry meeting the boy of his dreams or Jillian obsessing over a cool girl at school. Jillian is desperate to hold on to her best friend when so much else is changing. But as she and Henry explore what—and who—they really want, it becomes harder to hold on to the careful definitions she has always lived her life by. Stuck somewhere between who she was with Henry and who she might be on her own, Jillian has to face what she can’t control and let go of the rules holding her back.

Review:

Jillian and Henry do everything together, they are that couple: from taking classes together, going out together, and are planning to go to college together. Yet one day Henry shares a secret, he’s gay... only for Jillian to also say that she is gay too. This then prompts a sudden breakup between the, yet after years together and sharing everything they both want to maintain their friendship... yet can’t seem to stop being friends with benefits. Both Jillian and Henry have other people they are crushing on but their relationship is complicated as they keep returning back to each other. Jillian doesn’t do well with change and feels the constant need to be in control of everything. Things only get more complicated as they both navigate their new feelings and re-evaluate their own relationship. This one was unfortunately not for me, I couldn’t stand Jillian and all the teen drama was just not it. Jillian and Henry do not have a healthy relationship and are extremely codependent on one another, throw in the mix of figuring out their sexual identity and it really was a lot going on. Honestly, I found the story to not be as interesting or the relationship drama to be great. It just didn’t feel like a fun read and I just didn’t care all that much for the characters or their relationships. That’s just me though, maybe you’ll have a better time with it but it really did not work for me. 

*Thanks Netgalley and andom House Children's, Labyrinth Road for sending me an arc in exchange for an honest review*

#book review #bookish #lgbtq reads #young adult lgbtq books #the rules of us

[bugs-b-clownin]

Happy Pride. consider reading this. it's more than just a personal story.

When I was young, very young, I started wondering if I was a lesbian. I didn't like men, I only liked women. that had to be it.

years were going by and I knew my gender wasn't woman. at least, it wasn't conventionally anything that I could think of. I discovered my transness young, and was lucky for it.

transmeds kept me from being myself for years though. I figured I must be a man if I wasn't a woman. but eventually, I got out of that cycle and I accepted being nonbinary.

i explored more. lesbian to bisexual, bisexual to trans, trans to nonbinary, nonbinary to wondering why I felt so many complicated things that I didn't seem to fit into. I dabbled with every label you could think of, and I still felt so unseen. not myself.

im 22 now, I've been on my queer journey for a decade, half my life. I'm lucky for it. I'm lucky to know now that I am a nonbinary lesbian, that I can have exceptions, that I don't need she/her pronouns to feel how I feel. and I know that I'm asexual.

where was the asexual part of the journey though? everything else was a leg of a marathon, there were miles to be ran in labels I fit in like comfortable sneakers, but where was the exploration of my lack of sexuality? where was that segment?

the truth is, it was hanging over me the whole time like a giant rain cloud waiting to pour at the right time. I knew. I knew from the start. I knew from 7 years old. I knew as a teen. I knew I was asexual through every assault, every uncomfortable encounter with men, every moment a person was ready for the next step when I wasn't. I was aware. but I thought I wasn't normal, not functional like everyone else.

I thought until this year, over 10 years of knowing I was queer, that my asexuality excluded me from everything. it excluded me from normal relationships and it excluded me from the queer community. and only NOW am I ready to accept the label I've always been under.

representation is key. I never had it. I could sooner accept the unconventional nonbinary lesbian thing than accept somehow all those years of grooming, assault, and violations were for nothing. I could never come out of that being confident and moving on to live a normal sex life. it was just this pointless trauma I endured for nothing, as too were the years of media and my own community telling me I wasn't welcome or functional.

"you'll grow into it, you haven't found the right man yet, you're just a late bloomer"

trust me and hear me when I tell you that is bullshit.

look, I'm lucky enough to be here today to tell you how hard this was. I'm lucky that I can guide my younger friends through this, I'm lucky my sister was able to just say she was trans and lesbian without the years of abuse from the same mother as me, cause I always softened the blow. I'm lucky to know myself now, and to know my queer friends, and to know I'm not broken.

so I think maybe the suffering wasn't for nothing. maybe, if I'm the representation for the people I know younger than myself, then I've gotten something out of the pain. not that I should have endured it. not that any of you should have either.

so happy pride everyone. asexual people are real. gender and sexuality are complex. you are never going to be alone. and some day, despite all the hurt, you'll all be okay too. <3

#pride #pride month #queer #lgbtq #lgbtqia #gay #lesbian #bi #bisexual #asexual #aromantic #acearo #demi #aspec #mspec #mspec lesbian #nonbinary #enby #trans #transgender #genderqueer #genderfluid #wlw #mlm #nblnb #nblm #nblw #tw assault #tw sa #tw grooming

[99milsofdepresso]

Here's a story about queerness. I've removed names for the identities to remain anonymous and so on and so forth. There's no moral at the end but I hope you like a queer experience today. If not just move along I guess.

I was fifteen at the time. He was thirteen at the time and we thought we were lesbians. I don't know what we are now, he's completely different from the girl I dated. I thought it was my first lesbian experience where she actually liked me. He was constantly depressed. I've met his dad, I understand the reasons that he's constantly depressed. He was thirteen and turned fourteen and we remained friends after I broke up with him, but he was my first lesbian experience and she liked me and I wanted to love her. And I noticed things. I noticed that he talked over me. I noticed that little things that didn't matter upset him. That he flew off the handle a bit too hard for my liking and scarier to me still, I couldn't help him be happy. He seemed determined not to be. I... I want to bring my partner joy, peace, serenity, passion, inspiration, ect. Where we make each other better people and always try to learn more all the time. He encouraged that, and he's gone on to flourish wildly without me and I'm so happy for him.

When I was a fifteen year old, I dated a thirteen year old. She was funny and kind and sweet, and my *best friend* introduced us. My sister. The woman I have decided is absolutely worth my (and everyone else's) devotion and loyalty. We have a long and complicated friendship that on my end is undyingly loyal. I have seen what my sister is as a person and I love her to the core. That's who introduced me to the thirteen year old. My Adoptive sister who is a few weeks younger than me introduced me to a friend of theirs? Hers? I really should talk to her/them more. This thirteen year old and I were in fact, Set Up because I was bi. I was bi and I had autism so it shook out to comfortable saying Pan, but it feels the most right. Bisexual doesn't mean transphobic, either, but Pansexual feels right. At the time, this baby trans man, was a lesbian. Didn't want to date men. Openly gay. Highly recommended friend material. We loved spending time together and talking about what was Real. Also Anime. Anime was a big part of the friendship.

I was questioning my gender. I didn't like how much of a performance Feminine was all the time, but Lesbian was comfy. Ish. I didn't know, breasts were a problem for me. I still want top surgery. I hated *being* a Woman at 15. Men were perfectly Happy to treat me as a Woman at 15, and Woman just meant Sex Object.

Maturity be damned. Experience with saying no be damned. People started countdowns to when I was to turn 18. As if that meant they'd be in less trouble if they were caught trying to romance me. Or worse. Some people don't care about my agency at all, but they won't be caught dead being a pedophile. It's really about where you draw the line, I suppose. I will go to my grave saying men are trash, because *the men that do that? They are trash. The men that do not hold them accountable? They are also TRASH.

I still hold this one lesbian experience tightly, to my chest. It was a *normal lesbian relationship* where we liked each other and we were too young to have sex, but it *was sexually charged* and I think about it *all the time* because he transitioned, and I still haven't.

He took me to my very first anime convention. We kinda dry humped in a tent. Through clothes. I knew though. I realized as it was happening that I wanted her. I wanted sex with women. I was having this realization in a tent with the thirteen year old who just bit my neck in just the right way because she wanted me to lose it like I wanted me to lose it and kiss her and kiss her and kiss her and maybe eat her? I didn't know. I just had the realization that I wanted all of these things. That I wanted it to finally, Finally bring her joy. I told her that biting my neck was deeply arousing and I kinda want to do sexual things when it happened. We were at an anime convention, and camping in a tent nearby. I brought a guitar. I didn't help set up tents because I didn't want to get in a fight with his dad that day. I was a coward and he deserved so much better than me, but I look back at this very gay memory with wonder now.

What if it had been more? What if I *hadn't* chickened out? Gods but she was *thirteen* and *going through it* and I was *fifteen* and *also going through it* and we barely had the tools to help ourselves, and I couldn't trust him to help me, and I knew I couldn't help him except with connections to resources and basic Google keywords. He did everything else himself, and I'm proud of him. I think he's married??? Now??? And I hear he is perhaps pursuing a doctorate? He was absolutely the one that got away because I was foolish, you understand? I was a DUMB GAY. BE BETTER. BE HONEST WITH YOUR PARTNER. USE YOUR BEST JUDGEMENT ABOUT THEIR DAD. AND BE READY FOR THEM TO BE HONEST WITH YOU.

We both have autism. I don't know if that makes it Better? Worse? HEY GAYS? I MEAN IT I NEED HELP. QUEER FAM, IF HE TRANSITIONED IS IT STILL A LESBIAN MEMORY? IF BOTH OF US DONT IDENTIFY AS WOMEN ANYMORE IS IT A GAY MEMORY? A LESBIAN MEMORY? I HAVE BEEN TURNING THIS OVER IN MY HEAD FOR YEARS AND I NEED HELP. THIS IS GENUINE THIS IS NOT IRONY I AM THIRTY AND MY PARTNER AND I BOTH THINK GENDER IS STUPID BUT WE'RE OPPOSITES ON THE PIPELINE NOW, SO I AM TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT I AM, YOU DIG? I'M GAY, BUT MY LESBIAN MIDAS TOUCH MAKES TRANS PEOPLE??? WHY DOES IT LOOK SO FUCKING STRAIGHT?!

Do labels even Matter at this point? Like... And I STILL haven't transitioned. I want the counseling and hormones and to ditch the boobs, but I am actually scared to do it. Like what if I tell someone all of this and they still deny me a boobless existence because I'm performing traditional femininity Too Much. I love girly shit. What if I just wanna be a flat chested girlie? Or do I want to transition? WHAT AM I?

I'm me. The body I'm in is a Meat Suit for an A-Gender consciousness. Lesbians are important, and I love women and I love being nonbinary. I also love SOME men. They are very special men. Or they Were. Now I have a Partner, one day a Spouse. I love my Partner. My Partner has the best tasting dick ever, actually. Most man cum tastes like bleach smells to me. Women taste like proper buttery scrambled eggs. You do the math on what I'd rather eat. PSYCH! My Partner. Delicious dick. Not bleachy or salty. Tastes like people fluid. I love my Partner, and they *love* it when I go down. My Partner doesn't have this Queerness Label Struggle that I have. My Partner Loves me and I think it's Real. That they actually understand and listen to me and appreciate me. That they're safe to be around. That they're safe for me. That I can trust them to actually care about me. It's Love and it's Love the way you deserve, baby. Mutual inspiration, a desire to be together. Also they ought to smell good, just trust me and trust your own nose for what registers as "good smelling person" when you know, you Know. Be Wiser than me. Be Honest. Be Certain, and don't perform certainty be Honest with Yourself about What You Want. I wanted someone who would Listen. I found them. It's the love of my life and I will spend the rest of it trying to be a better person than I was, every moment. Always trying to beat my top score at how much I can learn. You might be different, and that's fine. Props to you for reading this far. Hope you have a nice day. It's certainly *Queer*.

#queer as in fuck you #accidentally went full circle and I'm an almost transboy madly in love with a nearly was a trans girl #what do i even do #queer #queer ns/fw #have a sample of some depresso #its on the house

[brainrotallthewaydown1312]

i will forever be bothered by the way the English language describes love.

you love your parents and your friends and your spouse and your pet and your siblings and pizza your bedroom and a nice hot shower. you love it all. and the only way to differentiate between all the kinds of love is with specifiers. and the descriptors used for that have a habit of falling flat.

familial love? okay sure. romantic love? seems like a nebulous category that no one is able to view as the grey area it is. platonic love? often some of the deepest connections but is unilaterally seen as less than both of the previously mentioned types. and for what? aesthetic love? that feels like a clinical and inadequate way to express the appearance or vibe of something. and some things don't even get their own descriptor.

and the way there is an inherent hierarchy to the descriptors. the way saying you are in love with someone or something is meant to either directly imply romantic love or it is meant to place your love for it on par with romance. whatever that means.

i have had a romantic partner. we were close and had a very deep connection. we shared almost everything with each other. she stayed with me when she was kicked out of her parents house. we leaned on each other. our connection was romantic and important but it wasn't important because it was romantic, it was important because we were important to each other.

i am in the process of moving in with some friends. i do not have a romantic connection with or attraction to any of them. and they don't with me. and I am just as close and vulnerable and affectionate with them as I was with my ex. they are important to me. they are who I go to when I need someone. hell, with 2/3 of them I would say that I am closer to them than I ever was to my ex. i would describe myself as in platonic love with all of them. but the phrase in platonic love is designed to play itself down. saying platonic, to most people, makes it feel less important and that isn't fair to the relationships I'm trying to describe.

and even looking at the same category of love, it is very rarely the same across the board. i love my mother in a complicated way that is inherent to the fact that she is my family. i love my grandma in a straightforward way that is unconditional and reflective. i love my brother in a way that I would tear apart the earth for him and I have purposely made my life worse to protect him from his life being as hard as mine is. and those are all "familial love." I mean they are, but that feels reductive. there is always so much more to it than that.

i want ways to say "I would go to the ends of the earth for you" "I want to carve out a place for you in my life" "our relationship is a priority for me" "I can't imagine my life without you" "you are the most important person to me" and plenty of other things that don't necessarily imply a romantic component. there should be a word for friend that expresses how deep that connection can go. there should be a way to describe my best friend as my "partner" without people assuming we are romantically or sexually involved. I live with them and plan my life around them and we lean on each other for everything and I am closer to them than I ever have been to anyone else. they are my partner in every sense of the word. but if I try to say platonic partner, it becomes a punchline. a joke about how we should just date or a raised eyebrow about how we probably are.

I know queer platonic is a thing, but it doesn't clarify much for most people and it also doesn't fit. we are friends. and we are partners. and that is it. but I cannot say that in a way that doesn't reduce us to a punchline or imply things that aren't true. and that is endlessly frustrating.

#vent post #does this count as a hot take? #long post #i just love love #and i want more ways to express it