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#i think many girls knew i didn't really feel/act comfortable nor did i act like i belonged and they reacted to that
uncanny-tranny · 6 months
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The weirdest dichotomy I've felt as a trans man is that, when I was a kid, I knew I was never allowed into a "sisterhood." I always felt like an interloper around girls, and, because girls can be observant and intelligent (despite popular belief), I was treated as an interloper.
Now, as an adult, I'm treated like I was always part of "A Sisterhood" that I shunned, that I refused to join, so I ought to be punished for that horrific transgression.
I absolutely know other trans men* who did feel part of girlhood/womanhood, and there is literally nothing wrong with that. However, I just find it frustrating to be... denied my own experiences, my own story by (mostly cis) people who are uncomfortable with the idea that some people never felt part of "their circle." It's a weird arm of transphobia that simultaneously expells you from conformity but also blames you for not conforming (because you were never even given the opportunity to conform because, again, you were forced out of any space to conform to). Do you see what I mean?
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Born leaders + Jamil discovered that Yuu is a girl?
I know I definitely did Malleus but here are the others! 🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤
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Riddle Rosehearts 
• "W-what?"
• I'd feel like the time that he gets to know is much later than Ace and Deuce
• And I can see him being angry at them because of it
• In truth he's angry with himself he didn't notice before 
• But he'll be a bit awkward 
• a blushy baby <3
• Still just trying to compute your not a boy he was sure you were
• "So...have you been well...?"
• He's a bit fidgety but after you tell him not much has changed and you still want to be his friend
• He lightens up
• He's not going to admit he has feelings for you
• He's going to rationalize this as just being excited of the new challenge
• Yeah, that's it
• So he totally is justified when he is using his unique magic to rectify the students
• Inappropriate comments? Rude gestures? Having genuinely nice pictures to fawn over?
• "OFF WITH YOUR HEAD! And I'm confiscating this..."
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Leona Kingscholar 
• "Finally the sheep sheds their wool."
• Don't sleep on Leona!!
• Those lion senses sniffed you out in the garden 
• He keeps acting tough with you around your friends but he knows
• He honestly always treated you differently just not openly
• He let's you sleep in his room during Azuls seige on Ramshackle 
• Now since your no longer hiding it he doesn't either
• And while we know he treats ladies more politely 
• It's on a more comfortable level with you
• So while typically he wouldn't ever invite a women to his bed 
• He has no qualms scooping you up and carrying you away
• It's one of the less violent ways he scares off students from being anywhere near you 
• "Oi prefect, lay with me."
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Azul Ashengrotto
• "W-what?! I-is this a thing that's often done on land?!"
• He's shocked 
• reeling back the confidence for someone succinct and docile
• He's not openly jumping at a deal to screw people over especially if they're close to you
• But after that he's probably even worse 
• He finds that he so much more efficient when you're an incentive
• And not to mention the business opportunities 
• Paying for pictures, him getting pictures of you, selling some and then keeping the best ones for himself
• He's shy when you talk directly to him 
• You're just so precious
• I can see him trying to spoil you from afar 
• "I-im just...building rapor with her, yup. It has nothing to do with how she complimented me."
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Kalim Al Asim
• "Okay!"
• His friendly party nature doesn't change
• He doesn't stop with his hospitality 
• And if you didn't know any better you'd say he's clingier
• Feeding you more when you start trying to leave
• Or having a really long display before he's like:
• "Oh its so late why don't you stay until tomorrow!"
• Using his magic carpet to abduct you from whatever your doing
• Or getting you swept up in whatever activity he's enraptured himself in
• He knows by now he isn't the only one after you 
• And he knows he's not the smartest
• But he knows that everyone loves fun 
• And in turn you'll like him
• "Ne (Y/n)-san come ride with me to see the Scarabia moon!"
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Jamil Viper
• "How'd I miss this?!"
• He's angry at himself
• how'd he nor notice!!!
• He'll mostly dwell on it for a little while 
• Thinking of the possibility of Kalim wanting to pursue you 
• But ultimately he knows they'll either refuse or scare you off
• If he doesn't decide to take you as one of many wives
• He'll mostly not make too big a deal about it
• Unless he starts to see the way Kalim misses on cues or doesn't realize when others a flirting with you
• He may not be able to take the dorm from Kalim 
• But he can surely take you 
• But if push comes to shove he'll partner up 
• With Azul? no way
• Kalim or really anybody he deems to be easy enough to control 
• "(Y/n) can you look me in my eyes and tell me you want to leave."
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Vil Shoeinheit 
• "Im sorry (Y/n). I've made the mistake of including you with the potatoes.."
• All he means is if he knew you were a girl sooner he would have forced you to cultivate your feminine wiles sooner
• Watch out Epel your the next victim of his dance mom craze
• He's going to send Rook or whatever unlucky student he influences to retrieve you
• Makeup, face masks, facial routine, wardrobe change
• You name it he's doing it
• And he'll say this all to train you 
• But he's honestly just enjoying you relying on him 
• Whether your into it or not your not you're not going to stop someone who's willing to pamper you
• And he loves to pamper you 
• Loves you having to answer to him
• In a way I can see him making you match his level of beauty so that you have no reason to deny him on the grounds of being imbalanced in your relationship
• "Strut! Did I say walk funny like those potatoes (Y/n)!" 
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Idia Shroud 
• "Y-your a-a g-girl?!"
• Flustered and thrown off 
• Finds out while watching on one of the multiple cameras he has trained on you throughout the day
• Mini panic attack before finally getting over it
• Finds himself getting incredibly upset with anybody with immediate contact with you 
• Or even worse is actually able to talk to you
• He'll kick himself as many times as he wants 'but youre just too hot to talk to!!!'
• When he is forced to talk to you he's patting himself on the back after his initial blushy shock
• But when he gets the gumption to have Ortho invite you to play some games 
• He's both thrilled and horrified 
• But should some no-good npc distracts you with something else
• He's enraged and he pulls out all the stops
• "So this NPC feels like he's won (Y/n)? Think again because I'm the boss here!?"
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mooodyblue · 1 year
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Would love some protective angry cg!Elvis!!! ❤️❤️❤️
i looved writing this one!!! i don't know why i always have to include jerry, i think i have a soft spot for him now don't worry u will all have more jerry content soon ty for the request 💓
trouble
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wc: 1k
warnings: cursing, gn!reader, 70s!elvis
masterlist
elvis had always been protective of you, especially with all the girls around him constantly, but when you opened up to him about you regressing, he became slightly more protective over you. he always made sure he had an eye on you. if he wasn't able to keep an eye on you, he'd have jerry watch over you.
jerry was usually in charge of watching after you during shows. elvis was always afraid you'd slip while he wasn't there and jerry was the only one who knew what to do in those situations. he'd also bring you straight to the car right after a show as elvis shortly followed.
you'd slipped into your headspace right before it ended after dealing with a few of his fans having a word with you, thankfully jerry was there to push them away before things got worse. you sat in the car, waiting for elvis to come in as fans anxiously waited to get a peak at him as he got in. you kept eyeing the brown, teddy bear jerry had hidden away at his feet, unable to take it until they were on the road. "jer-"
"he'll be here soon, hon. hold on."
you sighed, messing with the hem of your dress instead. after a few more minutes, a breathless elvis jumped in along with a few more members of his entourage, switching seats with jerry as they all got in the seats in front of you as they caught their breath. elvis gave you a warm smile, pressing his lips against your cheek. "missed ya."
you tugged your arm under his, gripping and holding onto it as you rested your head on his shoulder. elvis put his glasses on and looked down at you, "feelin' little, baby?"
"mhm." you nuzzled into him as jerry handed you the bear, tucking it in your lap.
"thanks for watchin' 'em jerry, they been like this long?" he wrapped an arm around your shoulder as you toyed with one of the many gems on his suit.
"not long at all, just right before we got in." he nodded.
"'m tired, daddy." you muttered.
"i know, doll. we'll be at the hotel soon." he said in your ear.
elvis had told everyone about your regression and what to do and how to act around you if you had dropped, most were understanding and some were a tad bit weirded out. but they knew better than to speak of you in that way. red turned around, eyeing you. "why do they get like that?"
elvis raised a brow, "like what?"
"y'know, like a baby 'n all that."
you frowned, moving from elvis to look down at your lap.
"i already explained it to you, didn't i?" he questioned. you could tell in elvis's tone that he was getting annoyed. part of you began to feel slightly bad for suddenly getting into your headspace.
"but it doesn't make sense to me. aren't they a full grown adult? they shouldn't be actin' like that! they've got a teddy bear for christ's sake!" he pointed at the bear that was in your lap. you held it tighter, resisting the urge to cover its ears becuase really, what did the bear have to do with this?
he then reached over to grab at it, most likely to tease you with it. elvis grabbed ahold of his wrist before he could make contact with it, gripping on it tightly. "lamar, pull the car over." he said through his teeth. "now."
lamar wasn't one to argue and pulled right over, everyone turning to look at the commotion in the back. elvis still had a tight grip around his friends wrist, glaring at him angrily, a look you'd never seen before in your life. "elvis-" you panicked.
he ignored the call of his name, knowing you must have been trying to force yourself out of your comforting headspace. "you do not, and i mean, do not touch my baby nor do you touch their bear." he let go of his wrist, waving a finger in his face.
"i've 'bout had it with some of y'all judgin' them behind their back, i know damn well that's what you do when i'm not around." you gave a quick glance to jerry who was sitting on the other side of you, who only gave you a sad smile and a gentle pat on the knee. you liked jerry, he was always kind to you.
"they're not even hurtin' anyone! they're bein' themselves, making themselves more comfortable after a stressful situation! and who are y'all to judge? l-like y'all don't have your own lil' quirks and such."
the whole car was still silent. you sunk farther into the seat, as if trying to hide from the situation.
"if i ever hear any of ya speak ill of my baby or make fun of 'em in anyway, your ass is gettin' kicked to the curb. and i mean it." his voice heavy with anger. "now all of you are gonna keep your mouths shut, face the front and don't even think about sayin' some shit to 'em. i will kick someone's ass if i have to. now lamar, drive." he finished his rant, sitting back again and letting out a huff.
"'m sorry." you mumbled.
"oh baby, don't apologize. i'm sorry for cursin' 'round ya. don't be saying those words either, you're too little for 'em." he pulled you close and adjusted the bear in your lap. "think we should get you another friend soon, what do you think?" he asked, changing the conversation.
your eyes lit up, your brain already creating names for your next plushie friend. "oh daddy, really?"
"don't they have enough?" jerry joked.
elvis tsk'd at jerry, shaking his head. "can never have enough, c'mon jer, y'know this already."
"yeah, jerry!" you added, sticking your tongue at him. "wait-are you gonna fire jerry now?"
elvis thought for a minute, "i reckon we give him one more chance."
"deal!"
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Thea Queen: The Rise of The Heiress
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Chapter - 01 [Betrayal]
"Yo, pretty kitty… Stop staring at your phone and give me a hand," A girl walked into the room and found her friend glued to the phone, "Thea, Barry will reply when he sees your message. You staring at the phone won't do a thing. Huh… Acting like a puppy."
And saying so, the girl snatched the phone from Thea's hand.
"Quit it, Stacy… Give me my phone back," Thea tried to take her phone back, but Stacy pushed a tray into Thea's arms instead.
"Take this and get back to work. Use that pretty face of yours to earn some extra cash," Stacy frowned, looking at Thea and said. If she had a face like her friend's, she would be a cash printing machine.
And it was indeed justified of Stacy to feel a bit jealous. Thea was one of the most, if not the most beautiful girl in their school. They were only in high school, and Thea was already a head taller than most her age. And if that was not enough, she was in the School’s ballerina troupe. But what really melted every boy's heart was her serene green eyes. One would hardly come across someone with such beautiful eyes.
Many boys flocked around her, trying all sorts of tricks to get her attention. To go on that one single date. But Thea knew that it was all nothing but a sham. She knew they were only after her looks and were not serious about her. And this was all because she was not born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Her family had neither the wealth nor the influence to help her. In fact, they could hardly get by.
But while others would have regretted it all along, Thea did not care about it much. After all, she already had the perfect boyfriend, Barry.
Thea and Barry have known each other since they were in diapers. Their families were already good friends. And by the time Thea and Barry were in middle school, they were already a thing. But Barry didn't want the rumours about them to circle everywhere in the school. Like Thea, he hated getting attention to himself, and Thea respected that. So apart from a selected few, no one knew about them.
Even so, it did not stop Thea from thinking about their future. And since they were not rich, the only way Thea could make their life comfortable was by getting a decent enough job. And for that, she had to go to college to study.
Thea knew that once she had a decent job, she could build her life on it. Everything would be smooth-sailing after that. But to go to college, she needed money. Which finally explained why Thea was at this high-end restaurant.
Usually, it's very hard for someone to get a part-time job at such an expensive restaurant, but thanks to her pretty face, the manager was more than happy to have her there. And along with Thea, Stacy, her school friend, also came sticking like a one plus one deal. But overall, everyone was happy in the end. Or were they?
How can there be happiness without sorrow? Working part-time had its disadvantages as well. One, Thea got very little time to study. After school and part-time, she was usually too tired to even lift a finger, let alone study. It would be no surprise if her grades slipped.
But what worried Thea was that she had no time for Barry. She could only see him during school, and since they were in different classes, there were times when she could not even talk to him for days. And that made Thea come to a decision.
Even though it would dent her savings a bit, Thea had to buy a nice expensive gift for Barry soon. After all, it was their anniversary soon. They would complete four years of being together. She had to make that day special for him. "You know na… The restaurant has been booked by this girl for the evening?" Stacy spoke, which brought Thea's head out of her thoughts, "We need to start preparing for that as well… So get your act together, will ya?"
"Do you know who it is?" Thea tried to pry. This was a grand gesture to make anyone envious.
"How would I know?" Stacy feigned ignorance and said, "It's not like I am the manager's favourite," and saying so, Stacy turned around to leave without giving Thea any chance of pestering her.
"Che… Liar," Thea clicked her tongue, not believing Stacy but still followed behind her.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"This should be enough," Stacy looked at Thea and said. They decorated the table with nicely fragrant flowers, dim lighting and everything else the customer had asked for. It was elegant but not too much to give away the surprise.
"Nicely done, guys… You have some good taste," While Thea and Stacy appreciated their work, the manager walked towards them.
"Manager!" Thea and Stacy greeted the manager and stepped away to give her way.
"Everything looks fine here," the manager nodded and turned towards two of her employees, "Now, after the guest arrives…"
"I know… I know… Thea will take care of the guests while I will be in the back, cleaning the toilets," Stacy spoke up and finished the manager's words.
"Ahh… Well, not today… Thea, I want you to switch places with Stacy today," the manager said to everyone's surprise.
"Huh… For real?" Stacy asked. She could not believe her ears.
"Yes," The manager nodded.
"Oh, Yes…" Stacy was so excited to hear the manager that she punched her fist into the air, "Sorry, bud… But the toilets will be in your care today,” Stacy said and hopped away from there to freshen up real quick.
As soon as Stacy left, the manager turned towards Thea. The manager had to explain the sudden change to Thea.
But when she saw nothing on Thea's face, she smiled. She had this slight anticipation that Thea might protest, but like always, Thea was fine with everything she wanted of her. The manager really liked Thea.
"It's not that you did anything wrong. In fact, it is quite the opposite," still, the manager decided to explain. And his words got Thea curious.
"… Actually, the girl who booked the restaurant wants to propose to her boyfriend," the manager said to which Thea nodded. She could guess the situation pretty much.
"… So she specifically asked that no pretty girl was anywhere near them. Unless, you know…" The manager paused as she looked around, checking if anyone was hearing, and then leaned forward, "The bot got other thoughts… You understand that, right?" The manager whispered.
'So now she was too beautiful to serve the guests?' It was hard to believe and equally amusing at the same time. But Thea had no qualms with that. Instead of getting jealous, Thea was kind of happy. Now she had more time to think about the gift she should buy for Barry.
"I understand," Thea agreed.
"That's my girl…" The manager patted Thea's back happily. The girl was a blessing to her.
"… I should get back to work as well. And right… Don't forget to take your paycheck from me later. I will add some extra for all the hard work," and giving Thea a meaningful smile, the manager walked away.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"Ughh… This shit is tough," Thea sighed as she pulled off the rubber gloves and washed her hands. The toilets were not usually stinking. But they were not always a good sight. And now that she had experienced it first-hand, she felt sorry for her friend Stacy.
'Maybe I should try and switch with her sometimes. Every alternate day?' Thea thought and looked at the stalls, 'Umm… Maybe every two or three days…"
*Buzz… Buzz…
'He finally replied…' Thinking it might be Barry's message, Thea suddenly forgot about the dirty toilets and found herself smiling. But as soon as she looked at her phone, her smile faded. It was Stacy. She had sent her a link.
"What's this? School forum?" Thea, when opened the link, she was taken to the homepage of their school's forum. It was a students-only website, and one could find every gossip there. Thea was confused about why Stacy sent her the link, but it was short-lived as soon a video started playing on her screen. There was a girl in the frame in some restaurant. But for Thea, both the restaurant and the girl were no strangers.
The girl who booked the restaurant was someone she knew very well. They were not friends, but they were in the ballerina troupe together. So they could be called acquaintances. Well, the girl was in a class of her own. Rich, beautiful and the soloist of the school ballerina troupe. It made sense that she wanted to make a spectacle of her proposal. But a girl proposing, well that was a bold move.
"Well, Amanda is a lucky girl. But what are the chances of them coming here?" Thea smiled. She was happy for the girl. Though they hardly conversed, Thea knew how rich Amanda was. Whoever the boy was, he had totally hit a jackpot with Amanda.
And that got Thea to be curious about the boy. There were so many boys fawning over Amanda. So who got lucky? But the boy had his back towards the one holding the camera.
Other than the boy, what caught Thea's eye were the expensive dishes on the table. From Abalone, caviar and turkey to Sauvignon Blanc, the costliest wine in the restaurant. Well, Amanda was not losing any points for extravagance, at least. But Thea did feel a bit bad about losing the tip. With such extravagance, the tip would have been nice and hefty.
'Oh well… I will just let Stacy fill her pockets for today,' Thea consoled herself and turned her attention back to the live broadcast. There were people commenting as they watched the couple enjoy their date.
"Oh my god… I can't believe Amanda is going out with someone… I feel heartbroken."
"Who's the boy? I can't see his face… What's with all the suspense trying to hide him? C'mon, the one with the phone… Show us the boy's face…"
"Well, that's one lucky boy…"
"Which class is he from? He kinda looks familiar…"
Thea read the comments and smiled at the curious nature of the students. But indeed, the boy looked somewhat familiar. Well, not that Thea cared. She might have seen somewhere in the school.
"It's finally here…" While Thea read the comments, Amanda got on her knees and pulled out a bracelet in front of the boy.
"I know we haven't known each other for long… But will you give me a chance to know everything about you? Will you go out with me?" Amanda extended the bracelet towards the boy and asked.
"Aww… How romantic."
"I feel like crying."
"Indeed, Amanda's the best… I wish someone proposed to me like this."
Soon comments flowed into the chat. Thea also felt that she should at least congratulate them if they become a couple. And with that, Thea started writing her congratulatory message as everyone waited for the boy to reply.
"Say Yes…"
"Say Yes…"
"Say Yes…"
Soon, the broadcast was filled with comments. Not that the boy would know that, but everyone seems to be on Amanda's side.
"Yes…" Finally, the boy nodded his head and agreed. And as soon as he did, the one holding the camera moved around, slowly showing the face of the boy
"Congratulations on being a couple… Hope you guys stay together always…" Thea also sent the message. But just as she did, the smile on her face froze, and the phone slipped out of her hand. It was as if she had seen a ghost.
"This… can't be right…" Thea murmured. Her hands shivered as she thought of what she just saw. Hoping that it might just be a bad dream, Thea slowly looked down at her feet. There lay her phone with its screen cracked, but she could still see the dreadful sight in front of her.
"Barry?"
* * * * *
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witheringvoice · 2 years
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Sense - A Poem
TW: I guess just usually depression shit, kinda childhood trauma mentions? no specifics
It doesn't make any.
None of it does.
I don't.
The way I act doesn't.
The way I've programmed myself never has.
The world never has, and probably never will.
I guess I like that chaos of never truly knowing.
But it hurts so much.
When I think of the word childhood.
What comes to mind is fighting, yelling, and walking on eggshells.
I also think of video games, junk food, scene-it...
But immediately I'm thrown into a position where I'm trying to keep out of, but still, keep an eye on all the arguing.
I hated it so much, all of it, but I had to make sure it didn't get physical.
Even if I couldn't stop it when it did, nor did I try.
I was a little girl, never have I been strong.
Because of constant arguing, and getting both parties against me if I cried or butted in, I became a crybaby.
At school.
I got bullied, in their eyes, I could see them calling me spoiled.
But I was a teacher's pet, smart, kind, so I was used too, fake friends.
In elementary school, I was forced to confess that I had crushes when I didn't.
I didn't even know what that would feel like or who I liked.
I just picked a random popular boy every time, so they'd not be weirded out.
I knew nothing of being on the asexual spectrum, I just thought I had to pretend to get crushes.
It backfired, I was forced to confess once, it was a hellish year.
I taught myself to keep quiet, not to confess any inner feelings, not to open up, not to express what I like.
That last one was from my brother.
He has, strong opinions.
He means well, he's become a better brother.
Less, angry.
Since my way of coping was always, hyperfixate to find comfort, escapism, and joy in that.
...Getting what I clung onto as my saving grace, my life line, hurt.
I grew trust issues, attachment issues, and abandonment issues, from all of my mom's relationships.
Boyfriend after boyfriend, even if they were kinda shitty.
I was a fatherless little girl desperate for that figure.
Now men make me uncomfortable because my mom also had some distasteful friends that are no longer around for our safety.
Now I trust them less, and I just trust less in general.
I don't befriend, because I assume they'll leave anyway.
If not for because I'm annoying and mentally unstable, just because they always leave.
But I also get attached way too easily, I crave friendship.
I'm desperate for someone to talk to, for validation.
But it takes so long for me to get comfortable, there's not even a point to it.
I've taught myself so much.
Because of, maybe extremes, I overexaggerated my means of "protection."
I have strong anxiety, I am silent unless necessary, I get what I need done and then I move on to the next thing.
I don't have time for breaks, I don't have enough trust to make friends.
I'm never safe.
If I'm not this quiet, shy, untalkative person I'll piss everyone off.
If I'm loud and talkative, I'll get annoying.
Being unfiltered, rambling on and on, and being someone with just a casual physical contact desire, I'll get annoying quick.
So I'm the complete opposite.
I'm really awkward about everything, I need to be told what to do and where to sit to not make someone uncomfortable.
I don't talk unless given a reason to, I speak as briefly as possible with as much thought and filtration possible.
Why?
Why do I do that?
It's not me...
But will people only like me for that me they see?
I'm sarcastic and blunt...
Chaotic, dark-humored, depressed, touchy, loud.
But they know me as sweet, quiet, anxious, smart...
Would they still like me?
When I get too comfortable and slip up they seem fine.
But if I let it all out, let the walls crumble.
Would that truly be fine?
No.
That would be impossible.
Who would not find me annoying?
I will share everything, the most useless things, the important things.
I'll blabber on and on, I'll ramble, share so many thoughts, trauma dump, word vomit.
I don't mean to!
It just happens, casually.
I do it sometimes to figure out my thoughts too, because if I say it out loud I have to reprocess it, and if I talk through it, it makes it understandable or less so.
I just like the feeling of talking, and being listened to.
But, I'm used to listening, the only person I did open up to the most got annoyed of my word vomits.
Who wouldn't?
Of course, my sister got sick of me going on and on about everything I thought, of course, she couldn't even process it all, of course, it hurt me not to be fully heard, of course, I brushed it off.
And that's where my fear, my anxieties, of letting myself get too comfortable come from.
I am a menace, I will sling an arm around your shoulder, hug you from behind, rest my head on your shoulder, or on your back, ask for a handshake and then hold your hand...
I am physical contact-oriented, I am word-oriented, I am annoying.
I can't let the people I'm closest to, most comfortable with, care about most, see that side and get tired of me.
...If that happens my heart might finally shatter.
I might finally give up.
I try so hard, and I'm trying to open up.
Because I know, that all of this may be too extreme.
I could have just, become a jokester to keep the peace, but I became silent.
So silent I lost my voice for almost a week once, fully could not speak.
I was terrified.
I am trying, but it's hard.
And my excuses just aren't cutting it for me.
But I can't get out of this loop.
It just doesn't make fucking sense.
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raribella · 2 years
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Enchanted. | t.e
summary: reader thinks her college friend Theo is in love with someone else in his hometown, Madre Linda, after his unexpected reaction to Natalie's death, but ends up finding out otherwise.
pairing: theo engler (you) x fem!reader.
genre: angst, fluff.
involves: friends to lovers! college!au, bestfriend!reader, unrequited love, old-money!reader, cheating (not involving the reader), mentions of mourning, mentions of drinking and drugs, you s3 spoilers, suggestive ending.
word count: 1,9k
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ᴘʟᴇᴀꜱᴇ, ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ʙᴇ ɪɴ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ᴡɪᴛʜ ꜱᴏᴍᴇᴏɴᴇ ᴇʟꜱᴇ
ᴘʟᴇᴀꜱᴇ, ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ꜱᴏᴍᴇʙᴏᴅʏ ᴡᴀɪᴛɪɴɢ ᴏɴ ʏᴏᴜ
y/n already knew Theo was going to be acting weird after Natalie Engler was announced dead. She expected him to hide whatever sadness dealing with all of that situation put upon him, she believed he would just bottle up, which would imply she was ready for little snappy comebacks. It would surely take its toll on y/n herself, but she was ready, she wanted to help; to be here for him.
y/n loved Theo, since the first damned she stepped her feet on Stanford; she wouldn't jeopardize their relationship by giving him space, she knew he didn't function like that, he had too much space in between his mom's and whatever contact he'd be able to get with Matthew Engler. She barely could keep count anymore of how many summer weeks her family would agree to have Theo over, sleeping in one of their too many rooms — even if it was just to make young y/n comply to something, or stay over a bit more. — how many drunk or high nights were spent in the streets of Madre Linda with that little scooter or eating bakery goods with him while the sunroof of her car welcomed the San Francisco breeze. Whenever y/n could get him not to go to a bar, she'd take him to the beach the next day, having a picnic inside of a huge float in whatever shape.
The girl missed that, and she was ready to reminisce while getting into the unpredictable dark mass grief could get Theo into, she would get him the sweetest of cupcakes, ready for comfort food, she was even aware of how she would probably need to help him out at school, but when he arrived after two weeks, it didn't look like this would be needed at all.
Besides not really being able to avoid the drunken bar fights he would get into, or not being able to really grasp how was his focus in class while having so little amount of classes together, to y/n Theo seemed basically. . . fine?
He'd sheepishly take her to a corner in between hallways and tell her about how he ate the best cupcakes in Madre Linda just the night before, or knock on her dorm, late at night, drunk, telling her about another fun run at that damn scooter, just realizing how late it was in the middle of the story:
"Oh- oh, y/n, I'm so sorry! I didn't realize how late it was, I won't bother you with this, I. . . I had a lot of fun". He'd smile after scratching the back of his neck, basically puppy eyes looking down at her, still at the front door.
Frustration couldn't really fit the feeling in y/n's expression right now, Theo came back to the campus a couple weeks ago, never really a hundred percent present, but there, between a uber ride and another. Still, she herself wasn't yet invited nor hadn't she done any of the so fun things he apparently wanted to portrait like he was doing alone. He did stop her to tell all about it, so the end of the friendship was able to be momentarily discarded, but. . . Did he find himself a girlfriend in Madre Linda? her heart shrunk at the thought.
"No, babe, it's okay- uhm. . .", y/n embraced her sleeping gown along with her own body, protecting herself from the nightly breeze.
"Did you do it all alone?".
Theo arched his eyebrows, opening his mouth a couple of times before looking to his left — in the direction of his own room —, before turning back at his friend's direction so he could speak again.
"No, I-", another pause. "You see, y/n, I just threw all this information at you and. . . It's late, right? I bet you're tired", He laughed it out, starting to walk backwards. "I can tell you all about it in the morning if you want. Night, babe." He finally winked, making fun of the nickname, and then soon was out of view.
[...]
Waking up late because of Theo's little late visit last night was something y/n's already expected, but not really that much of a problem since there weren't many classes to take that morning. Her plans of not attending at all didn't change when she noticed the two hours old text on her phone, the contact name shining along with her locked screen, indicating she would now have to take a small trip to Madre Linda.
"Got an Uber, headed to ML.
see you later, xx"
Theo.
Getting on her silver car, it didn't take long for the girl to arrive in the quiet suburban living hell. No one was home when she rang the doorbell at the Engler's and then she couldn't really have any idea of where would the boy be, so y/n decided to head to the recently opened bakery she passed by when arriving in town.
A little ring of bells was heard as soon as y/n opened the door, making a really beautiful woman turn her head in her direction, welcoming her from inside a counter.
"Oh, hi! I've never seen you around", The lady, -seemingly owner of the place- sympathetically stated. "Welcome! I'm Love, how can I help you?" Love sounded as sweet as whatever mixture she was baking, and y/n felt a tiny urge to compliment her beautiful golden jewelry. As soon as she turned her eyes in the direction of the deliciously looking cupcakes on display, y/n saw someone arriving from what looked like a storage room, carrying what seemed to be some boxes of baking ingredients, but didn't care to look into who it was.
"Uhm... Are those red velvet?" at the sound of her voice, Theo abruptly looked up to confirm who it was, stumbling over his own feet and letting some boxes fall. He called out her name, but she couldn't recognize if the tone was surprise or a little bit of. . . doubt?
"Oh hi, Theo! I saw your text!", she decided to hint in case the doubt was correctly sensed and he was wondering what the hell she was doing in there. "decided to grab some cupcakes, they're looking really good! Oh I- I have no place to crash down for the night tho" — Of course, she said it expectantly, but it was true.
Theo hissed. "I'm gonna get home late, y/n," the boy looked back at Love, who was furrowing her brows at him herself, throwing him a glare. "You could head there tho, I'll sleep on the couch."
The girl let out a nervous chuckle, eyeing the two other people in the room. "Yeah, I'll. . . I'll probably do that, thank you. Can I get half a dozen?"
[...]
Y/n was worried. Any bars or parties Theo attended were nearing Stanford, so what the hell was he gonna be up to in the depths of Madre Linda?!
It's not like she wanted to look like a fucking stalker or anything, but he indeed was always telling her how he was doing the same things he used to do with her, just he let out — still making it pretty clear — that he was doing it without her, it wouldn't hut to see just who he was doing it with.
Except it would, but y/n would only find that out when it was too late, watching Theo and that bakery woman —— Love, damned ironic name, on that damned scooter, damn smiles bright as ever, but wasn't one of her golden rings a fucking wedding band earlier in the day? y/n felt sick, driving away and, surely mourning out to happier by Olivia Rodrigo or whatever heartbreak song, accepting the melancholy of the dark of the night but still at her car, not really feeling herself in the right of getting inside his house, not musing the strenght to do so.
It was when she saw Love dropping him off that the feeling changed. Y/n Y/l/n went absolutely mad, knocking on his door not even letting the — poor? — boy rest.
"What the hell- wha- y/n? I told you you should come crash here, you could've gotten here earlie- what time is it?" His tone was high, suggesting he was, indeed, surprised to see her there, if it was from her wided teary eyes or just from it being her, she had yet to know; the girl was hyperventilating at that point, furrowed brows, shaking her head no and gluping before she could say:
"Maybe you are really clueless, I'll give you that! But, you've been really leaving me out this days, okay? and- and if you aren't clueless, that makes everything worse, and that!. . .," her breathing pauses were really starting to sound like sobs at that moment, Theo was straddled, and getting more worried by the second, he accompanied her hand that was now pointing to his neighbours', she saw Love getting inside a few minutes earlier and might as well have assumed that it was her home ". . .you had no right to do that whatsoever."
He opened his mouth to speak, but stopped to doublecheck the direction he was pointing to, before whisper-yelling a "what?!", he knew what she was up to, and he couldn't really say that she was wrong, no. But seeing her distressed figure in that knitted vest, overlaid on top of that button down, freezing under that skirt, he needed her to understand and even believe him if he said she changed everything.
While he was constructing that whole thought — staring, basically checking y/n out — she was babbling inconsolably and the boy felt the impulse to reach to one of her shoulders. "No I- I didn't do what you think, you're in town and- y/n I need you to get inside, please. I wanna tell- show you something."
Before following him, y/n swallowed, again furrowing her brows in an attempt to conceal the feelings she just displayed at his front door and sniffling a bit. They arrived in his dimmed light bedroom, and she couldn't help noticing the bed was already made for her; a small knot forming on her throat.
Theo grabbed a box from inside his dresser and gestured with it to his bed, before offering it to her; y/n understood his sign, sitting down before he handed her the black box, and waiting for him sit close from her before opening it up.
The lid was now sitting on y/n's right side, Theo on her left, and the girl started fiddling with the content inside it, still sniffling a bit. She took ou countless pictures of the both of them, aswell as a few of herself alone, distracted; some of her long lost makeup products, a water bottle she used to carry all around a while ago and the stanford hoodie she had for her freshman year, gasping ever so softly before he started saying.
"I needed some affection, even if physical, after what happened, you know. . . Love and her husband are new in town I- I was afraid of coming to you and acting impulsively and then I got carried away but the thought of you, and then you actually coming here, I didn't do anything, I couldn't. I know this may be creepy I promise I'm not some sick stalker but. . . I really like you, y/n"
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bestruction · 3 years
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Falling in love with a marleyan pt1
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N/a: this request got me thinking a lot 😅 i guess that's why is so long and because of that, i'll be making a pt2 for Eren. I'm sorry for it, anon and thank you for sharing such great ideia with me💞 please let me know if you like it
(I inspired myself a little bit in this hc)
You can read the pt.2 here
- Reiner Braun
Since you were the daughter of an important general of the Marley army, you were always around in the headquarters learning about the military service. It was your dad's wish that you could bring honor to the family and for the country.
You never understood really well the importance of all that. You were just a kid.
So when he got busy, you preferred to walk around looking for something interesting instead of listening to hours of a conversation you didn't even understand.
And that's how you met Reiner.
One day, after picking up some book about the history of Marley and Eldia, you went to the patio to sit under the shade of a tree to read. Not long after, other children appeared, running and tired, and since you were behind the tree, none of them had noticed you until then.
“Take a breath and try to reach us later, Reiner. The commander will not like it if you don't finish the training ” said an older voice.
You heard footsteps drift away, and only the owner of the painting breath stays.
You were curious to know who it was since you had never seen children in the area. You came out from behind the tree with the tissue you carried in your pocket in hand to offer to the sweaty stranger.
He was astonished at first, and you noticed the golden armband on his arm.
He was an eldian warrior candidate.
Reiner stared at you for a few more seconds before accepting the tissue. He was afraid to offend whoever you were. He wiped the sweat off his forehead and bit his lips, not knowing whether to keep the delicate tissue or give it back.
The tissue dirty with the sweat of an eldian, but still the tissue of a Marley citizen.
"You can keep it if you want"
"thank you,"  He said almost in a whisper. "But don't you prefer that I take it to wash and then bring it back to you?"
"You don't need to bring it back, but if you want to, I'll be here waiting for you tomorrow"
Reiner ran again without looking back. He did not know how to act after that and when he returned home, he washed the white tissue hidden from his mother to return it to you the next day. He did not expect to see you, so when you came out smiling from behind the tree like the day before, he was more than surprised.
“You brought it! Thanks"
"Thanks…?"
You told him your name and noticed his eyes widen when he heard your last name. It was hard not to know who your father was in the army. So you didn't find it strange and asked the boy's name.
“Reiner. Rainer Braun ”
You smiled again, which made you wonder what was so funny.
"I'm sorry. It's just that it is a name that suits you so much that it is funny. It means warrior. That's what you are ”
You responded by pointing at his armband.
Reiner blushed more than he wanted to admit. Never had a girl said anything like that to him, let alone a marleyan girl.
"It's a pity that we can't talk for more than a few minutes, Reiner. I was never able to talk to an eldian so closely ”
He nodded with his head, still trying to ignore the blush on his cheeks, but it was unsuccessful since you then proposed the last thing that would go through his head.
Your father was indeed a general, but he did not see the eldians as inferior beings. That had been the reason he had entered the military career, had the slightest chance of being able to change that view, that was the honor he wanted you to bring. So he taught you the same thing.
To talk to someone like Reiner was not repulsive, but something that you longed to be able to learn more about the eldians in a narrative that was not what you saw at school.
That's why you proposed that you exchange letters. Secrets so as not to cause any kind of problem for him. He would leave his letter in the hollow trunk of the tree, and you would do the same when you couldn't meet in those brief seconds of his training.
He accepted more for fear of you than willingly, but as you talked about each other's daily lives, about the details you observed in each other, and the disguised looks when you passed by the quarter,  this fear gave way to a sincere friendship.
And without either of you realizing in something else.
When he was chosen to inherit the armored titan, you cried for hours in your room in secret, hugging the box where you hid all the letters exchanged for knowing what that meant.
And then he realized that you had fallen in love with the eldian of the letters.
It all happened very fast. You didn't have time to go to the quarter to see if he had left something on the tree and then read in the paper about the group of warriors sent to the demon island.
You never forget about him.
The years passed, and when Reiner returned, you had just taken a patent for being useful in strategy in other wars and thanks to your family's name.
He didn't expect you to remember him, and after everything that happened, he couldn't even think about it much.
But that thought changed when you whispered to him as you passed down the hall without anyone noticing:
"Look in the tree"
Like when you were kids, you had left a letter in the tree, and for some reason that he didn't know how to explain, it brought a certain comfort to his heart.
In the letter, you said how much you missed him. You had written for the old days since you two could talk without bringing any problem to him because you were in the army too. You asked him to meet you in the most deserted building in the area to talk better.
Reiner went to the place, and after seeing you up close for a longer time, he was sure that time had made you a beautiful woman. You talked for a few hours, and it was as if the two of you had gone back to being a child without the traumas he suffered in Paradis and the ones you got on the battlefield.
Once again, time passed, with you two talking cautiously as a precaution, exchanging a note here and there, meeting when you could.
You were the one who gave Reiner the strength to continue.
• It didn't take long for the childhood crush to become love, and the more you two tried to ignore it, the more evident it became until one day on impulse, in one of the many meetings in that building you kissed him.
And he reciprocated.
Your relationship was not easy. It would be a scandal if anyone knew. That's why you rented an apartment farther from the city to meet with more privacy without anyone knowing.
It was not easy, but you loved each other.
Reiner was your first love and your first time, and even with all the disadvantages, you would never choose someone else for that.
And now you're pregnant.
You haven't been feeling very well in the past few months, but you didn't worry too much because you thought it was just a war result, thanks to the stress that started after Paradis. Now, as a commander, you had more work than ever.
But after throwing up your favorite food, you decided to go to a doctor.
The doctor wanted to share the good news with your father, but no one knew about you and Reiner, nor should he. So you just made up an excuse like:
“I want to tell myself. Please keep it confidential ”  
And went home.
Part of you is happy, and the other is unable to stop “what if?”
What if someone finds out who the baby's father is?
What if Reiner doesn't react well to the news?
Raising a baby is already a difficult task, creating a baby that should not exist in the eyes of everyone ...
You didn't know what to do.
You needed to speak to Reiner as soon as possible.
With the end of the war and Marley's victory, you met in the apartment you had rented some time ago.
You waited for him to lie down next to you on the bed, and while caressing your face, you said:
"I’m pregnant"
Reiner sat on the bed and ran a hand through his hair. He was serious, he didn't need to ask if you were kidding.
"How long?"
"Two mouths"
He got up and paced the room before looking back at you.
"What are you going to do?"
"So now is just me, hm?"
“That’s not what I mean, baby” He snorts heavily “I just don’t know what to say”
“Maybe a‘ I’m here with you' it'd be enough, Reiner”
"You know I’m"
"Do i?"
Reiner saw you cry a few times, but the image of you sitting on the bed where you shared so many moments with your eyes full of tears will always be the hardest to forget in his mind.
     He comes to you, and without saying anything, he cries with you until both are calmer.
     Leaving the subject for later was not the smartest decision to make, but for now, it was what you both needed. So you decided to talk after Willy Tybur's speech that was going to happen that night.
     That night, you expected to end up in Reiner's arms and not having to run to save yourself, Falco, and Gabi.
     And even less shouting his name in a random window to wake him up.
    It was your voice that woke him up to fight. It was your voice that made him overcome the desire to die. It was your voice that gave him hope to move forward, and for your voice, for you, he would find a way to work things out.
     You stayed by his bedside every day while he was in the infirmary, which generated a lot of rumors about your compassion for the eldian.
     When Reiner woke up plagued by yet another of many nightmares, he thought he started to dream when he saw your warm smile.
    On an impulse, you hugged him tightly, leaving Pieck and Pig shocked across the room.
“I knew it. I knew you’d be fine ”You said without let him go.
“I'm here for you, baby” He answered, hugging you back. "For you two"
"How did you get the commander pregnant ?!" You heard Porco's voice.
“Pock, I thought you already knew how these things work at that age” teased Pieck.
“Don’t act like you’re not thinking the same!”
“Let’s go outside, and I’m going to explain to you how mama and papa Galliard made you” She teased again by pulling him out of the infirmary and winking at you.
She knew. Of course, she knew. Nothing escaped Pieck's perception.
    You told your parents about the pregnancy, afraid to tell you who the baby's father was. They understood the situation and helped you both throughout your pregnancy.
    Reiner always showed up at your house around dawn to make sure no one saw him. He always wanted to know how you were doing and compensate you in some way for not being able to go out and see you as a partner would do.
     Many rumors arose about who your baby's father would be, but you tried not to care since it was all rumors after all.
When you went into labor, it was a mess. The initial plan was that he would not come to your house so as not arouse suspicion. Pieck and Porco tried to convince him not to go, but he ran up to your house and entered the back. He couldn't stop thinking about your face. He couldn't leave you alone in a moment like this.
     And honestly, you were more than relieved when you saw the blonde enter your room, hold your hand, and repeat the same words from the day of the infirmary:
“I’m here for you, for you two”
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deleteddewewted · 3 years
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Incel!Shinsou x F!Reader fanfic idea (Part 2)
So here we are, Incel!Shinsou is back and this time with a bit of growth that he needs to make independently (While thinking about the reader of course. Thank you so much to @blossominglark for sending in such a lovely message! Also here you can find a small explanation as to why i even started the Incel!Shinsou series.)
"I think I want you. I think you're bad. I think you're good, it's like the love I never had. I think I need you. Oh God, it's true. I think I'm falling and there's nothing I can do" - Beetlejuice Chill by Life After Youth
Part 1: Incel! Shinsou x F!Reader
Part 3: Incel!Shinsou x F!Reader (1/2)
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How difficult could it be? To forget that you ever existed... thats what's haunting Shinsou ever since the conversation you two had a few days ago. He cant seem to focus anymore, everything just reeks of you. (His own bedroom where you two would sit on the floor and work on your project together. You would laugh at something that came on the television, every time resulting in his face heating up and heart beating harder at the sound, the beautiful sound, of your laughter. It doesn't feel the same anymore. He cant sit or sleep there anymore.) Shinsou starts speaking with Aizawa more, to be honest its not like Aizawa gave him that much of a choice. He needed to understand what was happening with his son and you in order to help or bring some constructive input.
Shinsou goes on and on about how he mocked you to his "friends". When questioned on his "friends" he said that they were all telling him that you needed to be taught how to be a "proper woman" the "perfect girl for them".
("Hitoshi what-...why would you...?"
"I don't know! It made sense when i was young and- i... i dont understand how or why and...please just- help me i dont understand!"
"It's ok, it's ok, come here." Aizawa hugs Shinsou tightly. He starts running his hand over Shinsou's hair comforting him.
"What did you show them? What did you tell them about...her, exactly?") A mess of tears and regrets, thats what Shinsou is. A puddle which he somehow drowned you in out of a bitter rage that had nothing to do with you.
Aizawa finally holding a grasp as to how Shinsou's mind worked, he couldn't help but feel defeated. He neglected his son so much he became bitter and resentful towards the wrong people, the wrong person. (Aizawa only ever told Shinsou that his mother moved away from them because it was "too much for her". Young Shinsou couldn't grasp why his mom would leave him, but again he never really asked questions since he saw how upset it made his dad. "Dont worry Hitoshi, ill be here for you no matter what. Got it, problem child?") An intervention needs to be made now. To prevent even more damage, to keep his son safe and his sons ex-friend safe.
"Hitoshi? The posts and things you put online, you need to delete everything now." Urgency was a must, damage control needed to happen now. Who knows if Shinsou wrote about where he lived, where you lived and studied at, if he showed those "friends" of his your face. Who knows how much information he put out there to a bunch of strangers about you. "Ok, ok. Let me delete everything...yeah...thats-yeah...makes sense." He's slipping, Shinsou is slipping into a pit of shock and disgust, he needs to fix things and that only starts by wiping away years of miss informed opinions disguised as truths.
Everything is gone. No more accounts. No more pictures. No more you. He didn't make any announcements or even address why he was wiping everything. He didn't answer the piles of questions flooding his inbox about why he was doing all of this, he just didn't care anymore. He couldn't find you either. No account on any platform with any signs of you. (He should have asked for your socials, but knowing where you two started off at he thinks its better that you two didn't. It saved you from his incessant torment he saw himself being capable of.)
Week one came and went. You didn't show up for classes and people started to take notice.
"Does anyone know why y/n isn't at school anymore? Is she sick?" Midoriya asked one day. Everyone kind of just looked at each other hoping that someone might have an answer. Be it that no one other then Shinsou was in the same class as you, everyone in his friend group knew about you since you where always nice despite the way you presented clothing wise. (The clothing didn't matter nor did the labels, you were still so welcoming to everyone. Hell, you even welcomed Monoma and that guy is considered psycho by everyone.) Shinsou couldn't do anything but listen to his friends (Midoriya, Shoto, Denki, Mina, Iida, and Ururaka) go on about how nice you were. How they miss you. He misses you . He ruined this, he ruined your school experience and pushed you to lose the friends you had because of his own ignorance. He forced you to choice between showing up to school and dealing with him or not coming in at all and losing the friends you had because of him.
The Sports Festival was coming up soon, here all the students would compete against each other to show off their skills. The Festival acts more as an opportunity for the different Courses to fight each other since its focus centers on the physical strength and wellbeing of the students instead of their study of focus. It also helps with publicity by letting UA show off their students to the general public. (Shinsou didn't understand why the school would have a Sports Festival. UA was better known for being STEM and Art focused which meant that many of the students only had to take 1 year of P.E. instead of the 3 years other schools required.
"So again, what's the purpose of this?"
"Its just a chance for the different Courses to bully each other, and for the General Course to get mocked." responded Togeike. Be it that she never spent time with Shinsou, they both had a mutual attitude and just stayed away from each other out of disinterest. It wasn't after Shinsou's personality changed did she feel more comfortable being around him and started speaking to him casually throughout the day.
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"So what does the Business Course do during-"
"Hey, didn't you and y/n work on that project together?" This caught Shinsou of guard. For the past week its all been about you and how you hadn't been coming to class. (You haunt him even outside of school, the guilts too much for him at times.)
"Yeah...what about it." he snarls. Just because he's changed in appearance and largely in attitude, that doesn't mean he's over the way he treats people. Cant she get to the point already-
"Geez man, i just wanted to ask if you needed her number." That...was off. Why would she assume that he needed your number?
"Why would you give me her number? Don't you think that as former project partners i would already have her-"
"You're clearly upset about her not being here, so shut up. Either take it or leave it, jackass." she bit back. How did she know? Shinsou has always had a resting bitch face which made it hard to read his emotions. How did she manage to figure it out? (God he was an asshole!)
"Yeah, please....i'm sorry. I could-"
"Please shut the fuck up, i don't want an apology from you. Take it and fix this shit. I hate seeing people mope and you're pretty much dying in a pit here." Togeike really gives no fucks and she was tired of the purple haired boy looking like a kicked puppy. She assumed it had something to do with you. When you started skipping class, Shinsou also started to look upset and wouldn't speak that often. It wasn't like Shinsou was shy, he just didn't see the need to speak all the time. So to see him become even more silent was concerning.)
He left school that day with a skip to his step. He has your number! He has a way of contacting you! Yet, he still knew that having your number wouldn't fix anything. You left him alone and it wouldn't be fair for him to barge back into your life without proving he's improving, that he's actually deserving of you're friendship at least....
The Sports Festival.....
He can prove himself to you there....
Everyone will see it, every student at UA has to be there for credit....you'll have to be there. You'll also have to participate for the start of it, so you'll have to interact with someone.
(This was it)
This was so much fun to write! Lets give this a slow build up to give him proper character development and redemption. The next part will be the Sports Festival and what he plans on doing to get you back. Let's set up that his intention is too for one, make an impression on the school for when he decides to transfer to the Art Course but also to make an impression on you and get you to notice him in a positive light. Our poor incel is trying his best ok....
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captains-simp · 3 years
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@tomy5girls
Fhskdhwksnsns I accidently posted this before I was done writing it 🤡🤡🤡
I love Wanda so the first part took me ages to write but writing soft Carol made this either the messiest or best fic I've ever written
"Do I mean that little to you?"
"Was it all a lie?"
"I think I'm inlove with you."
Warnings: cheating and me fucking around with the MCU timeline regarding when characters are introduced
6.7k words
[ masterlist ]
Buy me a coffee ☕
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Your relationship with Wanda had always been far from perfect. It was evenings like that difficult one that made you reflect on just how many red flags you had ignored. You had chosen to live your life with her in blissful ignorance, thinking it would work out.
But as time went on there were things that were harder to ignore. Things that hurt you to notice, both about Wanda and yourself. You thought they would go away. They only ever got worse.
That night was the final straw. You couldn't deny the issues that had been growing like weeds in your relationship for a year when you walked into your appartment to see Wanda's head between another girl's legs.
You didn't feel mad. Or upset. You felt empty. Empty at the long awaited realisation that you had committed to the wrong thing.
You didn't say anything, too shocked to know what to say and not knowing if you would even be capable of stringing a sentence together.
The woman's eyes flickered open and met yours and in that brief moment you saw the familiar look of lust before it turned to fear. She roughly pushed Wanda away as she looked anywhere but you and moved away from your soon to be ex girlfriend.
Wanda gave her a questioning look before whipping her head around to see you after following the woman's uncontaminated glances. She stood up instantly and straightened her shirt while the woman on the couch got dressed.
"You're home." Was the first thing Wanda said. Yeah. You were definetly done.
"I am." Your mouth was dryer than sandpaper but you somehow managed to say that.
"I should..." The woman muttered as she awkwardly glanced between you and Wanda before rushing past you and out the door.
Neither you nor Wanda spoke for a while. You were still looking at her, searching for any signs of...anything. She didn't meet your eye. She made no attempt to defend herself. To defend your relationship. It was downright heartbreaking.
You needed to sit down, but there was no way you were sitting where Wanda had just been. Not that knowing what Wanda had done on that couch had bothered you before.
You left the hallway to wander aimlessly towards your bedroom, knowing you weren't the only one Wanda had fucked in that bed, but you had never had to see that.
She followed you into the room, more trailing really. There was no urgency to her pace and she still didn't speak. Did she really not care?
You sat down on the bed and stared at the floor, mot knowing what to feel. Wanda didn't sit next to you. She made no move to comfort you. You didn't need comfort, not from her. You needed an explanation.
"When did it start?" You wanted to ask how many, but you already knew the truth would hurt too much. The ones you knew about were enough.
"I don't know." Wanda huffed. She sounded frustrated, as though you were wasting her time. That finally pissed you off.
"I deserve an explanation, Wanda." You said clearly, keeping your voice surprisingly steady as you looked up at her. She still didn't look back.
"What's done is done." She said simply.
"Do I mean that little to you?" Tears sprung to your eyes as you said that. Wondering for the first time if Wanda had really ever cared about you.
When Wanda finally looked at you you wished she hadn't. Her eyes were full of pity, watching you like a stray puppy in the rain. She moved forward and sat down next to you on the edge of the bed.
"I loved you." You didn't fail to notice the past tense, it cut through you like a knife. "But I wasn't ready." You had started dating so soon after Ultron. At the time you knew Wanda was grieving badly, you had questioned if it was best for her to dive into a relationship the way she had in that state.
Her self-confidence and driven nature always put your mind to rest. There were red flags before the relationship had even started.
"When you realised that...you didn't have to stay." Your voice wavered slightly.
"I know that." God the pitifulness was even in her voice.
"So why did you?" You held your breath waiting for that an answer. Wanda took a few seconds to consider that, like she wasn't quite sure herself.
"I like being around you." She sounded truthful, but you didn't allow yourself to believe her.
"When you weren't around them." You couldn't help the bitter tone that crept into your voice. Wanda didn't like that. Thinking she actually had any right to be mad at you.
"Oh for the- we had fun, didn't we? It's not like it was a complete waste of our time!" She exclaimed, standing up to face you.
"I wasn't dating you for fun, Wanda. It was so much more than that. I wasn't just someone for you to fuck like all of those girls, I was your girlfriend!" You felt proud at what you had said. You were right. About all of it. You were especially right to use the past tense. Something you didn't think you could manage to do. But that pride was short lived.
"You were a distraction!" You froze. Every fibre of your being turning ice cold from her words. You and Wanda stared at each other for felt like an eternity. She didn't take it back. There was an unreadable expression painted on her face. You knew it wasn't regret.
That's all you ever were to her? A distraction? Everything you thought you had...
"Was it all a lie?" You whispered. You hated the question. You would hate the answer. But you had to know.
Wanda's expression faulted and for a second the pitifulness returned. It was quickly pushed to the side when she spoke again, remaining stoic.
"Call it what you want." You bit the inside of your mouth in an attempt to stop your bottom lip trembling as you finally looked away.
"I'd like you to go. We're done." You whispered, turning away from her.
She left without another word. Her boots thudding against the floor as she walked away in the purposeful way she failed to show you that night.
The door to your appartment clicked shut before you broke down into tears.
*
You had gotten a hotel room that night, unable to stay in your own home. You couldn't lay in your bed without wondering how many people had been in it. Wondering how fewer it would have been if you had just confronted Wanda about it when you first knew. But you didn't, and those months of heartbreak were finally coming to the surface.
You arranged for time off of work once you got back to your appartment. Once that was done you flipped over the couch cushions, retrieved your toasted pop tarts and sat down to watch your comfort show under a bundle of blankets.
It worked for a while. The plates (yes plural) full of pop tarts and the hours of TV took the edge off of the numbness you were feeling. That was until a text from Carol brought you back to reality.
Care Bear: you okay?
You smiled a little. Carol was definetly something that would provide you with comfort, living up to her nickname as always. But she worked with Wanda, and the last thing you wanted was to make her life awkward.
Carol was your best friend. She was Wanda's friend too. That was how you had met. After Ultron Carol had introduced you to Wanda at one of Tony's parties. She had even been a wingwoman for Wanda, you pondered over what Carol would do if she knew Wanda had cheated.
The blonde had always been protective of you. It was sweet. Especially the small acts she never even noticed she did. Like standing closer to you when you were in a room full of self righteous jerks. Always being the one to catch you when you tripped over thin air, even if she was preciously on the other side of the room. Knowing when you were uncomfortable in social situations and casually taking you away from them in the most subtle manner that didn't cause a scene. You had never been able to confide in anyone like you could with her. Not even Wanda, although that was probably because she never shared either.
You: 👍 :)
Care Bear: --_--
Care Bear: Wanda's here
You bit your lip as your thumbs danced over the keyboard; evaluating the best response. You were surprised Wanda was even at the Avenger's headquarters. You had assumed she would be spending her nights with random hookups for a while rather than just one night. She finally had the full freedom to do that but she went back to the Avenger's Headquarters instead?
You: she okay?
Care Bear: I haven't seen her since she went to her room, doesn't seem to be in a talkative mood
Care Bear: you guys okay? 👀
Carol never liked to pry into yours and Wanda's relationship. She always let you confide in her. But in the cases where it was obvious something had happened between you, she checked in on you in the least subtle ways. Carol was smooth in a lot of way, but that was not one of them. It had become a joke between you and Carol ended up embracing it.
You: we broke up
Care Bear: CHSKSBSKSBAMZBMZDBAL
Care Bear: I'm on my way!!
Care Bear: or I can give you space to mope?
You couldn't help but smile at Carol's messages. Your reply was instant. You would love to have Carol binge shows and eat trash food with you.
You: come mope with me :(
Carol confirmed she was on her way less than a minute later and you got up to toast the last of your pop tarts and get a drink.
You weren't sure how soon Carol arrived on your balcony. You were sure very few things had made you happier than the sight of your goofy friend proudly holding up a multipack of poptarts while dressed in her sweatpants and goose t-shirt. The shirt was one you had gifted her for Christmas one year and if she wasn't wearing her Captain Marvel uniform, she was most likely wearing that shirt.
You got up to open the sliding door for her as you suppressed a chuckle. Carol appearing on your balcony without warning had stopped scaring you around the ninth time it happened. That was about the time you stopped trying to convince her to just use the stairs like everyone else.
As soon as she was in your appartment she threw the box to the couch and enveloped you in a bear hug. You wrapped your arms around her middle and closed your eyes as you held onto her. You smiled at the familiar smell of vanilla and cat hairs, being so easily comforted by it.
"Are you okay?" She muttered into your shoulder.
"I am." You said truthfully. You hadn't slept well the previous night, even at the hotel. You had cried for a while. But the next day you had felt better, as though a weight had been lifted from.your chest. You were still hurting, but you would be just fine.
Carol pulled away and rested her hands on your shoulders as she studied you, trying to find any evidence of a lie. Upon finding none she nodded and smiled at you kindly. That was something you loved about Carol. She never pitied you, even when the worst happened. She was sympathetic and supportive and never condescending. 
"What are we watching?" Carol asked as she picked up the box on the couch and took it over to your toaster. She knew you wouldn't want to talk about Wanda yet. She would wait for you to bring it up. Until then, she would act as though you were moping because you were sick rather than the reality.
You replied to her with your comfort show that she had grown familiar with and sat back down on the couch with the blanket over you. Carol soon returned with two plates of pop tarts (it wasn't like you had eaten anything else) and two hot chocolates. What you really craved was some alcohol but you decided to leave that till later on.
Your blonde friend sat back down next to you when you lifted the blanket for her. She instantly brought her legs up under her and put her arm around you. You easily leant into her and rested your head on her shoulder before she leant her own head on yours.
Neither of you spoke for a while. Carol occasionally laughed at something on the TV and you found yourself smiling at the sound of her laughter more than the show. It had always been contagious.
Wait. Should you of been smiling that much for someone who had walked in on their girlfriend cheating less than 24 hours prior? Probably not. But then again. You had seen it coming. All the signs prior had softened the blow.
"You alright?" Carol asked again as a whisper as she pretended to keep most of her focus on the show.
You hummed in response and fiddled with the edge of the blanket for a while until you spoke.
"She cheated." You muttered. You could feel Carol freeze. Her whole body tensed up making her as stiff as a plank. Her shoulder wasn't as comfy when that happened. "But it's okay." You assured.
Carol took ahold of both your empty plates and placed them on the table before turning her body towards you so she could see you better.
"That's never something that can just be 'okay', y/n." Carol said in a gentle tone.
"I know but...I already knew before... before I saw." You could hear Carol breathing heavily as you avoided her gaze.
"Christ, y/n." She whispered. "Why didn't you ever say anything?"
"I don't know I just...I guess I thought if I ignored it it would go away." Upon reflection you really weren't sure why you never addressed it.
Carol didn't say anything at that. You glanced up nervously to see her looking deep in thought, trying to understand what you meant. Carol was never one to hope things would go away. Her life as a hero had taught her to comfront every obstacle she faced.
"And you saw her..."
"Yeah, I did. I thought I could handle knowing what she was doing behind my back but actually seeing it...it was hard." Carol breathed out hard as though she had been holding her breath and pulled you into another of her infamous bear hugs. You wrapped your arms around her again and squeezed your eyes shut.
The blonde gently stroked your back in soothing circles until you moved away, not wanting to but knowing Carol wouldn't move away first and Lord knows how long you would have ended up staying like that.
"And you're really feeling okay about it?" Carol asked with a slightly furrowed brow, reading your face for any trace of a lie as you spoke.
"Yeah." You smiled assuringly. You didn't feel like telling Carol the rest. About how you had only ever been a distraction to Wanda. But there was something else you wanted to admit. "It was for the best." You started. Carol could tell something more was coming so she sat up a little straighter to show you you had her full attention. "Even before I figured out I what she was doing things just didn't feel entirely right with Wanda. She was great, but it always felt like something was missing." Carol didn't show any reaction to that. She seemed surprisingly stoic, like she was trying to suppress something. You figured it was probably just that she was thinking about what you had said.
"Enough about all that though." You said when Carol hadn't spoken. "You never got to tell me about your super amazing mission last month." Carol's eyes lit up at the mention of her successful mission.
There were some missions she wasn't allowed to talk about. Some she could. And some she could eventually talk about. Her last one was the latter and once she was clear to tell you about it she did, in great detail and the most animated way. It had been one of her best missions and you were incredibly proud. But you were interrupted by a false alarm at the Headquarters before she could finish.
You loved hearing about Carol's work that she was passionate about. You loved hearing how she could handle herself out there. Recalling some of those missions put your mind to rest when you hadn't heard from her in a long time. And you needed the distraction. Carol knew that.
You listened to Carol intently with a smile but the stress and upset of the previous events had you suddenly feeling very tired. Your eyelids began to feel very heavy and your head became empty as you felt yourself drifting off to sleep.
*
You woke up in your own bed, beyond comfused. You couldn't remember getting into bed or falling asleep. Still in a half asleep state, you tried to recall the events of the night until you remembered Carol. Had she carried you to bed? Had she left?
Your heart ached at the thought that your best friend wasn't there. Refusing to believe it, you wrapped your duvet tightly around you and trudged out of your room.
She was sleeping soundly on your couch with the blanket you had been curled up together under. You smiled at the sight of her looking so peaceful, taking a moment to consider yourself the luckiest person alive to have a friend as caring as Carol.
You came back to your sense when you realised how creepy it felt to be standing over your best friend and staring at her sleep, not to mention how freaked out she would be if she awoke to your duvet covered silhouette. But you didn't want to leave her side.
Carol stirred when she felt you kneeling on the couch. Countless nights of sleeping next to her had taught you she was a fairly light sleeper. You were thankful that she wasn't startled by you kneeling over her as you adjusted your blanket.
"Y/n?" She muttered as she rubbed her eyes to try to see you better.
"Go back to sleep." You murmmered back before laying down on her stomach and holding the duvet over you both.
You felt so at home in her arms. She didn't protest to you and instead wrapped her arms around your back and closed her eyes again with a content smile.
You rested your head in the crook of her neck and soon drifted back to sleep. Carol, on the other hand, struggled to sleep for a while. You had slept in the same bed before, countless times, but you had never been so close together when you did. It had never felt so intimate.
It was making the butterflies that had started arriving years ago whenever you were around dance around happily. As much as Carol tried to ignore them, her feelings for you only ever grew.
*
Over the next few days Carol visited you a lot. You had always been happy to spend time with your friend, but in those days you appreciated her company even more. In fact you were pretty sure you craved it.
She checked in on you often and stayed the night when you asked her to. You tried not to be too clingy with your friend, knowing she had a busy life and a lot of responsibilities to take care of and you didn't want to keep her away from her hero life.
It made the moments you could spend with her even better. You had always had that thought process with Carol, but it was enhanced since the night you slept ontop of her on the couch - something she never commented on.
You mainly spent your time together in your appartment, but on that day Carol had another idea.
"I promise it's safe." Carol grinned at you as you looked over your balcony for the umpteenth time in the last five minutes. You never really realised how high the sixth floor was until your friend was encouraging you to jump off your balcony with her.
"You need to get out of that appartment." Carol insisted.
"I could go on a walk to do that! You know...like a normal person." Carol laughed at your defiance to try what she had offered.
"Just five minutes, you'll love it." Carol said genuinely as she took ahold of your hand. You had never realised how her hands seemed to fit perfectly in your own before. You smiled at the sensation of a slight tingling in your hand upon contact with Carol's.
"Ease off." You giggled, shaking Carol's hand.
"I'm not doing anything." Carol protested earnestly, giving you a comfused look. You gulped and tried not to think about what the feeling was. "If you don't like it I'll bring you right back, you're safe with me - the Strongest Avenger." She said with a cocky grin, she had heard someone say it once and it went straight to her head. You rolled your eyes at her with a smile then paused, biting your lip as you considered the offer properly.
"Okay." You breathed out.
"Okay?" Carol asked with an excited grin.
"What the hell, sure!" You exclaimed. Carol chuckled and went to stand behind you. The material of her suit pressed against your bare arms and made you shiver slightly, you assumed from nerves. Carol had told you you didn't need to wear a jacket or coat, claiming her powers would keep you warm.
She wrapped her arms around your waist to hold you tightly against her and you gripped onto her forearms, not being able to stop yourself smiling.
"You ready?" Carol asked as the yellow swirls started to surround Carol and heat up your back and stomach. Blue and red glimmers occasionally appeared amongst the swirls and you tried not to get too distracted by the beauty of Carol's powers.
The next thing you knew your feet were slowly leaving the ground until the tips of your shoes were an inch away from the floor. You felt weightless and couldn't help but laugh a little at the absurdity that you were floating on thin air.
"Okay?" Carol checked.
"Okay." You confirmed.
As soon as the word left your mouth you felt like you were being catapulted through the air. Wind whipped your hair across your face and everything was a blur. All you could focus on was the whirling colours and Carol's strong grip on your waist.
You were going directly upwards for a few seconds until Carol eased you both forwards slightly, angled so you could finally take in your surroundings.
The speed at which you had been going to get so high in such a short amount of time was insane. It was impossible to know exactly how high up you were, all you knew was the faint clouds in the nighttime sky were closer to you than the ground. A lot closer.
The small gaps amongst the thin layers of clouds gave a glimpse at the stars that shimmered above you. The view below was just as breath-taking.
The city was lit up by the lights emitting from each building, each playing a part in the beautiful display. The lights shimmered and twinkled just as the stars did, the two very different worlds having the same beauty from such a height.
As Carol leveled herself out more you felt your legs drop infront of you and away from Carol. Your grip on the hero tightened in response to the new position.
"Do you trust me?" Carol asked carefully. You nodded, not knowing what your friend was planning but knowing you would go along with whatever she had planned.
One moment Carol had her reassuring grip on your waist, guiding you through the night air, and the next she was gone. You plummeted through the air in an instant, a silent scream escaping your throat. You squeezed your eyes shut tightly, not wanting to see the world spinning as you fell, but as soon as you were falling you were safe again.
You landed on Carol's back surprisingly lightly. You blinked a few times in shock, not understanding what had happened until you realised that Carol was flying horizontally and the position allowed you both to have a much better view and in a better position.
You sighed with a grin as stared down at the city in awe, your eyes occasionally flickering up to the dark sky. You rested your head in the crook of Carol's neck and wrapped your arms around her front, easing into her as easily as you had that night on the couch.
It was the happiest you had felt in such a long time. You felt safe with Carol, even from such a dangerous height and the whole event had you feeling more relaxed and content than you could ever remember.
A warmth spread over your body as the pair of you gently flew over the city. While you wanted to believe it was from Carol's powers, you knew deep down that that wasn't it. Because you had had that warmth for Carol on the coldest nights, you had had it when she was on the other side of the room, it had been there for as long as you could remember. And it was only getting stronger.
*
It didn't take anymore encouragement to get back into your usual way of life without any issues. Thanks to Carol there didn't seem to be much difference. The times that you would have been spending with Wanda you spent with Carol. She knew you were okay and that you didn't need her to mope around with you anymore - not that you had really ended up doing that together much. But you wanted her with you; she seemed to want to be with you too.
While you had slept in the same bed multiple times since you had on the couch, you never cuddled close to her like you did before. You knew that if you did that warmth would return. You knew, deep down, what it meant. However you had no idea if Carol's feelings for you were anything more than platonic, it was a line you weren't willing to cross, so you pushed those feelings to the side as much as you could.
Despite your efforts, those mornings you woke up next to your friend you found that you had your head resting on her shoulder or an arm hooked around her waist or one of your legs tangled with hers. She never seemed to mind, in fact one time you could have sworn you saw her eyes drop when you separated yourself from her. You told yourself you were just seeing things that weren't there.
So one night when Carol casually invited you to an Avenger's party you almost choked on your popcorn. You had always gotten along with the team - ever since the mix up on the mission that had led you to meet them and Carol. You had been to a fair few of those parties in the time you had been friends, but that party would be different.
Carol had assured you that no one else on the team knew exactly what had happened between you and Wanda. Your friend knew you didn't want people knowing and Wanda wasn't about to announce it, all the team knew was that you had broken up.
"You don't have to." Carol said quickly. "Wanda will be there." She informed in unimportant fact kind of way. "I just thought it would be nice for you to see everyone again. They miss you."
"They do?" Even thought you had known the Avengers for years, you still couldn't help but be a insecure before seeing them. You didn't have any powers or training. You always wondered what you could possibly bring to their table. Those worries were always put to rest once you were settled in, the smiles on their faces and laughter they emitted when you saw them was hard to fake. Besides, it wasn't like they had any reason to fake it.
You very quickly stopped being insecure when it came to Carol though. You had spent so much time together and knew each other so well that you never worried what she thought of you. She reminded you often of the traits she loved so much, it had been something you had started.
"I'd love to go." You smiled at Carol then went back to the screen. You never liked to make things awkward with exes. It wasn't like you and Wanda were going to become best buddies any time soon, but you were determined to be civil. You just hoped she would be too.
"Great." Carol concluded after studying you for a bit, wanting to be absolutely sure that it was what you wanted. "I'll pick you up at eight on Saturday."
"It's in two days?" You exclaimed, turning to Carol with a horrified expression.
"It is?" Carol confirmed in a not-too-sure tone, not understanding what the big deal was.
"Jeeze, Carol, give a girl a better warning next time." You huffed as you leant back against the couch. The blonde chucked next to you and muttered an apology.
Carol continued watching the film she had put on while you planned when and where you would get an outfit. You knew the dress code of those parties, that wouldn't be an issue, but part of you wanted to match with Carol.
"What are you going to wear?" You asked casually.
"Haven't decided yet."
Damn. You would just have to wing it.
*
Carol knocked on your door at exactly eight o'clock on the night of the party. You were startled at the sound of it at first, not expecting her to actually use the door for once.
You opened the door with a wide grin on your face but felt as though you had the breath knocked out of you when you saw your friend. She was wearing a tailored dark y/f/c suit with a neat white blouse. Her hair was slightly tossled and hung loose around her shoulders. It all went perfectly with her familiar warm smile. She looked beautiful.
Carol's outfit was strikingly similar to your own y/f/c dress that was a much lighter tone but the similarity was still there.
"H-hey." You stuttered as you continued to take in her outfit.
"Hey yourself." Carol grinned smugly, not oblivious to your stare.
"You look...really...amazing." You couldn't help but say. It was the truth.
"You look really amazing too." Carol said a lot more easily than you did. You giggled and stepped out of your appartment and locked it.
"Milady." Carol said in a terrible English accent as she offered her arm for you to hold.
"Milord." You went along and put your arm easily through hers before you started walking down the hallway, unable to contain your smile at the childish and loveable act.
*
When you arrived at the party you were bombarded with people wanting to talk to Carol. You had grown used to that, but it was still a downer when you wanted to stay by Carol, at least for a while.
Eventually, you were summoned away from your friend by the Avengers who were eager to catch up with you after so long.
"How've you been?" Nat asked with a welcoming hug as she outstretched her arms I'm an open hug.
"I've been pretty great." You replied honestly as you hugged her tightly. There was no one you were closer to than Carol, but Nat was someone you considered a friend without a doubt.
"What about you?" You asked genuinely as you pulled away.
"Same old." Nat smiled in her familiar way she saved for those she knew rather than the strangers in the room she had to play nice with.
You talked to Nat for a while as though nothing had changed. You hadn't seen Wanda and you had no idea where she was and no one mentioned her. You were thankful there wasn't any tension around the group. They all talked to you in the same way they always had with the exception of them asking about Carol more. You kept missing their knowing smiles hidden behind their drinks.
After a while you and Tony had your own convosation and it seemed as though being around the others was the only kind of self control he had when it came to refraining talking about relationships. As soon as you two were left alone he didn't hesitate to start saying what he had been thinking.
"Hey, don't get me wrong, you and Wanda seemed great, but I always thought it would be you and Carol who would end up together." Tony said as though he was voicing a passing thought.
"Me and Carol?" You tried to ask smoothly. Admittedly you had been thinking a lot about what it would be like to date Carol. You couldn't seem to stop your mind wandering at night to imagining scenarios with her in which you were dating. It always made you smile so your cheeks hurt until you reminded yourself it wasn't real. Carol would never see you that way, would she?
"Well I didn't see it until Nat pointed it out. Then we actually all kind of assumed you were dating before you and Wanda became a thing." Tony continued in his casual manner before taking another sip of his drink.
"Really?" You looked over at Nat who was talking to Carol. Nat seemed as though she was trying to convince Carol to do something because the blonde had the conflicked look upon her face that always appeared when she had been thinking long and hard about something.
"You certainly acted like it." Tony snickered as he followed your line of sight. As if on cue, Carol and Nat glanced your way and a heat began to grow along your neck at the feeling of embarrassment at being caught staring.
Nat had a small smirk playing along her lips while Carol mirrored your expression guiltily.
You missed Tony and Nat exchanging knowing smiles. You missed the way Carol's cheeks became tinted pink too.
"Excuse me." Tony said as he put a hand gently below your shoulder before walking off in the direction Nat had also departed too.
You smiled at Carol and wandered towards her place on the balcony, glad that she turned around entirely to face you. Unfortunately the blush on her cheeks had faded by the time you would have been close enough to spot it.
"Enjoying the party?" Carol asked as you stepped out onto the balcony and leant against the railing.
"I am." You said certainly. The blonde turned to copy your position so you could both gaze out at the buildings below you. The view you had gotten with Carol was undefeated, but the Avengers tower provided something special too.
"I told you they missed you." Carol grinned as she nudged your side with her elbow.
"Yeah." You blushed and peered down at the railing.
"I don't know about you but my shoes are killing me and I think I've talked to enough of these guests to bore me to death twice over." Carol sighed with a childish smile. You grinned back and nodded.
"You want to stay at mine tonight?" You asked hopefully.
"I'd love to." Carol's smile grew as you held her arm out for you to link your arm through again.
"Milady." The hero said with the same terrible English accent.
"Milord." You mocked as you put your arm through hers easily.
Maybe Tony was onto something.
*
That night when Carol took the same place she always did in her home that was as much hers as it was yours, you couldn't focus on the movie playing on the screen. You couldn't focus on anything except the blonde beside you.
You had your head resting on her shoulder and everytime you moved to get your drink and turned back to her your eyes instantly strayed to her lips, images of kissing her filling your head.
You remembered the night she moped with you after your breakup and how she had been the best friend you could ask for. Except you didn't want Carol to be just your friend. You wanted her to be more.
Your mind had been racing since since party, considering what Tony had said to you and how true it was. You and Carol really had always acted like a couple. You had never thought anything of it, even when Carol did it considerably less when you were dating someone.
Because you had been in more than just one relationship in the time you been friends with Carol. None of them ever felt right. You always thought there was something missing. Something that the next person would fix. No one ever could though. Because what you had been looking had been right infront of you the whole time.
All those feelings that had come bubbling to the surface the couple of weeks prior, they had been there all along. Christ, you were such an idiot.
"Carol..." You whispered, more afraid of what you were about to say than anything before. You wanted to back out. You didn't want to mess up what you had with Carol, but you had never been so sure of something than you were for your feelings for Carol in your entire life.
"Yeah?" She said softly.
"I think..." You held your breath and you could have sworn Carol did too. "I think I'm inlove with you." The blonde froze for a solid minute. Neither of you spoke. Tears threatened to come to the surface as you realized what you had done.
Eventually, Carol put her bowl of popcorn down and slowly turned towards you. You didn't dare meet her eye, instead playing with the edge of the blanket over you both and hoping it would trigger a sink hole beneath you.
"You do?" She whispered. You nodded and bit your lip in an attempt to hold back your tears. Carol lifted your chin gradually so you were looking at her. She had an unreadable expression.
"I love you too." You half laughed half sighed in relief as a smile spread across your face and the tears finally sprung free.
"Yeah?" You choked out. Carol instantly cupped your face and wiped your tears off of your cheeks as she smiled back at you.
"Yeah!" She giggled. "I've wanted to say that for so long." She admitted in a rush.
"Why didn't you? It could have saved us so much time!" You exclaimed and gently punched her arm.
"I was scared, even with Nat trying to convince me to say something." Carol explained, it was her turn to look away in embarrassment but you quickly pulled her back the way she did.
"That's really sweet, I'm here now." You assured genuinely.
Carol smiled back at you as her eyes glanced down at you lips. You grinned at the obviousness of what she was thinking and bravely closed the gap between you. After that prompt Carol eagerly met you half way and smiled into your long overdue kiss. Her lips were so so soft and moved against like a perfected dance. When you pulled away for air you rested your forehead against hers and breathed heavily with a heart filled smile.
"We have to do that more often." Carol said as her hands landed on your waist.
"We absolutely do." You agreed before pulling her into another kiss, engraving the memory of that night into your mind forever.
400 notes · View notes
mainveyn · 3 years
Text
《 nebulous love 》suna rintarou x reader
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wc : 1.6k
genre : absolute angst 💔
a/n : theres a lil scenario where u have to hide in the locker ik its abit weird but just assume that the locker is big enough for u to hide in there lolol   
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series : silent love ▪︎ unspoken love ▪︎ nebulous love ▪︎ ardent love
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you wanted to walk up to him, hold his hand and congratulate him in person. you swear you really do. but you couldn't, not when a swamp of girls are surrounding him. he has a huge smile on him, unlike his usual deadpan expression. after all, this is a crucial match for his team and their victory is a big step for their upcoming spring high tournament. even he can break a smile that bright because of that. you told yourself it wasn't because of that girl who passed him a water bottle and snuggled at his arm like it's her spot to take. 
"wait," you mumbled out unconsciously, because you found yourself ridiculous at being upset. who am i to be upset by that, you thought as you fiddled at the hem of your jacket with your eyes casted at the floor beneath. you decided you probably won't get to talk to him now. not after seeing him playfully pinched her cheek with so much affection. you walked out of the gym without a second thought, ignoring the fact that you met his eyes briefly and he tried to wave at you. you turn away like you didn't see him and suna didn't like that.
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strolling through the hallways, you wondered if it's even necessary for you to be there when he has her. she looks a little too young for his taste, probably still a middle schooler but it's really none of your concern. all you know is the moment she is here, the world you shared with suna has broken apart. you expected that and you swear you tried your best to move on. you didn't think it was his fault that you caught feelings for him from the start, which is why you can never push him away. staying by his side while the pain eats you away becomes a routine now.
a soft tune rings through your pocket, a special ringtone you set for him. you received a text from suna about him telling you to wait at his clubroom, much to your confusion. even so, your feets take you to where he wants you to be without hesitation. 
no one seems to be there as you step foot into the clubroom, noting how clean and tidy the place is right now. you assume everyone has left as you find yourself sitting on the bench in the clubroom, texting him back that you're already here. your reflection on the little mirror at the corner almost made you laugh at your pathetic self. just how easy it is for you to crawl back to him, your heart winces at your own bitter remarks and feel your breath stuck at your throat.
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all thoughts are wiped out as you heard the door open, his eyes slightly brightened up at the sight of you. you mentally scold yourself for reading too much into it, but what he did next only throws you into another labyrinth of confusion. "so, what do you want me to come here for?" you enquired but he wordlessly linked his arms around you in a tight embrace. you feel his hot breath inches away from your cheeks before he snuggles into your hair to bask in your scents.
he pulled away a few seconds later as he cocked his eyebrows at you. "you didn't like the crowd so i thought it's better to talk here," his warm smile made all your words tied in your throat as you found yourself shaking under the pressure of your heartache. he only thinks of you as a friend, nothing more than what you felt for him. and yet his affections made you fall deeper into despair.
feets glued on the same spot, you couldn’t move a muscle and watch his smile slowly turn into a playful smirk. he mistaken your silence as being embarrassed and comments on how cute you are. he continued to tell you how happy he is for today’s matches, describing his blocks today are a total shutdown against their opponent with a slightly excited tone. his unusual enthusiasm instantly brought a smile upon you, genuinely felt happy for him as you resonated with him as a volleyball player as well.
but the rest of the conversation are drowned out of your mind as every second passes only makes it harder for your heart to continue beating. you instinctively have your right hand clutch onto your other arm out of anxiousness and he immediately spotted it. after all, he had spent so much time with you to know you like the palm of his hand. emerald eyes briefly scanned your feature until he completely stopped talking. he cupped his warm hands on your cheeks, inching closer to you as your back fully leaned against the lockers behind you now.
“you okay?” suna whispered in that tone again, a voice filled with so much love that you thought only you’re special enough to hear it. you shake your head with tears threatening to fall, attempting to shake his hands off of you too. as you tried to come up with an excuse for you to leave, he held your face on his palms again with a stern expression. 
“y/n, you know you can always talk to me.” no, you didn’t want to deal with him now. not when you are not given enough time to prepare yourself and put up another fake smile to reassure him. he already has someone he loves. this isn't right. you knew that so you need to calm yourself down before reassuring him ―mostly yourself that you’re fine and content at just being his friend.
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but no gods are here to hear your prayers today, you’re not given any chance to relieve the pain growing in your chest. not even a second after he released his hold on you, suna pulled you back abruptly by the back of your neck and pressed his lips against yours. your eyes widened and balled your fist on his jersey at the sudden contact. a mixture of hurt and joy flowing through you, but you wished all of these were just a dream. 
his fingertips brushed past your face as he gently tilted your head to the other side to mold his lips with yours better. you should stop him but the way he touches and holds you is the only thing you want to savour right now. you don’t even want to think why is he doing this to you. everything feels perfect now, except for the growing ache in your heart because you knew this isn’t right. as selfish as it sounds, you want him to be yours and yours only. because he already owns your heart, without asking. it isn’t fair at all. 
he released his grip on you but still lingered on your shoulder, waiting for your reaction. you tried to avoid his eyes, hair covering the side of your face as you moved further away from him. you heard him calling for you but what’s more terrifying right now is the loud bickering of the miya twins and their rushed footsteps echoed through the hallways.
you quickly shoot him a panicked look, and he only returns the same expression. just as atsumu violently twisted the door open, suna hastily opened up his locker and ushered you to hide in there. neither of you are in the right mind nor given sufficient time to think it through, so you comply without questioning. you scrambled into that dark little space, putting yourself into another void of misery. 
“yer so annoyinー oi sunarin! why are yer still here?” atsumu rounded the corner, surprised that the brunette hadn't left the school like he usually would. suna shot him an annoyed look before telling the twins to leave him alone, pretending he was just chilling and scrolling through his phone all this while. osamu interjected, reminding him to get changed before kita found out and lectured him about it.
suna tried to act as normal as he could while keeping an eye on his locker, not wanting to drag this any longer. he didn’t show it but he want nothing more than to beat himself up now, grimaced at himself internally for making you suffer.
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but you wouldn’t have known, not when you shrinked into the corner as you clung onto your knees like your life depended on it. tears pricking at the corner, you refused to let them fall as you hid your face on top of your knees. what am i even doing here? why do i even have to hide? those unanswered thoughts occupied your mind that you didn’t even notice the twins had left and suna had opened his lockers. the lights from outside slowly seeped through, exposing your vulnerable self right in front of him.
“y/n?” he finds his voice come out strained as he catches sight of your shoulder trembling. he tries to move closer to you but all it takes is a suppressed sob slipped out of you for him to back off.
not bothering to wipe off your uncontrollable tears, you attempt to stand up at your own effort. suna offers his hand only for you to reject it silently. his hand remained there, hoping that you'll take it like how you usually would as he watched you struggling to get on your feets.
“y/n,” he called out again, he will try as many times as it takes. as long as you’d just spare him a glance, he swore he won’t make you cry ever again. for the first time, he hates how he got too comfortable in his usual wordless interactions with you. because he has so much to tell you and you wouldn’t have known.
probably never as you began to run out of the clubroom, walking out of his life as well.
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reblogs are very much appreciated <3
117 notes · View notes
beomeli · 3 years
Text
A normal October night || C.SB
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Warning: mention of drinking, underaged drinking, mild swearing
Genre: Angst, unrequited love, heartbreak
Non-idol!Soobin X gn!Reader
•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•
As the cold night of october settled with beautiful autumn leaves and quiet streets, one specific house didn't bother keeping the nice aesthetic at peace.
People were dancing, drinking, making out, all while loud music played in the background. They didn’t care about the complaining, they only wanted to make as much possible of their youthful days. Even though the house was fairly big, every space was crowded with drunk people having the time of their lives. Making the rooms feel small and claustrophobic. As for you, you were standing alone towards a white wall.
Your best friends had convinced you to come, and since one of them kept on insisting, you couldn’t do much but to agree. That one was Choi Yeonjun, an excited extrovert that always acted out on whatever came to mind, as for the other.. his name was Choi Soobin, the more quiet and calm one. Even though they were different personality wise, they complemented each other very well. Always seeming to get along and joke around, Yeonjun pulling stupid antics and Soobin laughing alongside. they were very good best friends. And they were your best friends.
Your first encounter with Yeonjun almost felt unreal. You being a first year and him being one year above, saw you quietly sitting alone outside the school building. you were eating your lunch by yourself next to the school gymnasium. And as he walked past you towards the gym, he couldn’t help but walk up and greet you.
Ever since that day you've been great friends. Even though you had different classes that also were on different floors you managed to hang out with him quite often. And after a few weeks Yeonjun introduced you to his so called other best friend. That person was Soobin. A freshman just as you, who was in a different class, hence why you hadn’t talked nor seen him before. But still, you fell for him, hard. Not only was he intelligent, funny and kind, he was extremely beautiful. His whole demeanor and appearance was breathtaking. You couldn’t help but take notice at his every feature, slowly ascending into a rabbit hole with nothing to stop you. The more you talked to him the more your love grew. And the fact that he actually saw you as his best friend made your heart skip.
You had hoped for this party to be a great time for you and your friends to dance and have fun. But as soon as you stepped through the wooden door and into the sea off people, you understood that, that wouldn't be the case. Yeonjun made his way towards the kitchen talking to his friend from other schools. Soobin on the other hand, awkwardly made his way towards the living room, trying to keep a low profile. You knew Soobin wasn’t very fond of parties, hence the biggest reason he tried so hard convincing you to come.
“Come on Y/N, I don’t want to take care of Yeonjun alone! Plus, I really like your company..” his words stuck with you, he enjoyed your company? He wanted to spend time with you? You couldn’t help but repeat his phrase in your head. Fixating on every word he said, happy that he wanted to have you around him.
You followed behind closely, trying to not bump into all too many people as the rooms were tightly crowded with all the drunken people. The smell of alcohol being unavoidable. Soobin found an empty wall and leaned towards it, inspecting everyone. While you closely snuck your way past all the people and also leaned toward that white wall.
The music was even louder, the atmosphere humid, as all the drunk sweaty people were jumping up and down to the music. But you couldn’t help but feel an comfortable aura as Soobin stood close to you, smiling a bit to himself. Your heart skipped a beat.
"It's not even 8 pm and people are already wrecked." You started casually, as you looked at all the drunk people roaming around, dancing.
"Yeah, And in about 20 minutes, Yeonjun will become one of them" Soobin answered, looking over at you with a small smile. You let out a chuckle at his funny remark, looking up at him and seeing that beautiful smile of his. Your cheeks felt warm as a smile crept up on your lips.
"Oh well, good thing there's two of us cause we all know that Yeonjun is a two-man-job" you replied, which made Soobin let out a little laugh. The beautiful sound ringing so perfectly in your ears.
"Yeah.." he looked back at the people, keeping that smile. Your heart skipped a beat, and slowly, you felt the urge creeping up on you. You wanted to confess. You knew confessing in a party with music blasting and people being all crazy wasn’t the most romantic, but you couldn’t hold back these feelings anymore. this was the time. You wanted to tell him how you felt.
"Soobin I have something to tell you.." you felt nervous, as your voice evidently shook a bit. your heartbeat speed up, as small sweat drops formed on your forehead. This was more nervwrecking than you thought.
"What is it Y/N?” the way he said your name so softly and how he kept that smile on his beautiful lips. You loved it.
Before you could continue your sentence, a sudden distraction occurred when someone accidentally bumped right into Soobin, falling head first into his arms. Quickly, he grabbed the person by the arms, trying to help the person in question finding their balance. Before you knew it, they looked up. She was stunning, absolutely gorgeous. You almost blushed when you saw her beautiful features complimenting her in every way.
"Oh my god! I am so sorry!" She was evidently embarrassed, her voice not sounding slurred or anything, she was probably a bit more on the sober side. She looked apologetic as she kept apologizing for literally launching at Soobin, but Soobin was kind. Giving her that dimpled smile and telling her that everything was fine.
"No it's okay!" Soobin quickly replied, he took a good look at the girl in front of him, even he looked stunned at her beauty, you noticed a small blush forming on his cheeks. You were paralyzed.
"I was just trying to get to the kitchen and suddenly someone came out of nowhere and pushed me.." the girls voice was soft, and she seemed so sweet. Soobin couldn't help but stare at her fondly, inspecting every bits of her. He was truly mesmerized.
You heart took a turn, this was the last thing you wanted. You confession directly flew out the door. There’s no way you could confess now. Maybe this was for the better..? Never had Soobin ever looked at you that way. You felt defeated.
"Don't worry. We all know being sober in a room with drunk people are bound to cause trouble." Soobin said, making the girl laugh.
"Yeah haha, they love coming out of nowhere.." She continued, and to that you were just watching intently as the girl and Soobin made conversation. It seemed so casual, like they've known each other their whole life. And you could see a faint blush on Soobin’s cheeks.
"My name is Soobin, and yours?"
"Yujin, nice to meet you Soobin" they shook hands, looking at each other with adoration. While completely ignoring you.
You couldn't handle the sight and slowly slinked your way out of the situation. Sure, meeting a new person is fine, especially if they seem as nice as her. But why did they have to ignore you? You were standing right there, watching their moves intently. Couldn’t you at least get a ‘hi’ or an introduction from soobin? No, your presence was too invincible.
You could feel tears pricking your eyes but you tried your hardest keeping them in. You didn't want to cause a scene and especially in front of Soobin. You didn’t come to this party for your own entertainment, you came to support Soobin. If he was happy without your company, then you had to accept it.
Slowly you made your way to a new bare wall, a bit afar from Soobin and Yujin, you could still observe them talking. And so you did, occasionally looking down at your phone and texting a few people. You wanted to go to Yeonjun but he was dancing crazy on the dance floor which you had expected. so you just decided to keep leaning towards that white wall. Luckily, you had your phone, you could distract yourself easily by playing on it for a few hours. Still, the growing feeling of sadness didn’t ease of your mind. You were disappointed to say the least, this was suppose to be a night you confessed. But everything changed so quickly, in a heartbeat.
As time ticked, Soobin and Yujin were still talking. for the first time in a long time, you looked over at them. surprised to see Soobin holding a red cup. When did he get that drink? I didn't even know Soobin liked alcohol.. You shrugged it off, knowing that Soobin is a responsible person and you were just too tired to even think straight.
Quietly, you tapped on Soobin’s shoulder, he looked down at you with surprise.
"Oh hey Y/N. What is it?" His voice was a bit harsh, as if he didn't want to get interrupted talking to Yujin at this time. It made your heart sink, you just wanted to get out of there quickly.
"Hey Soobin soo,” you paused and looked up at him more clearly, he was anticipating your sentence, clearly wanting to go back to whatever him and Yujin talked about. Eager to keep hearing whatever she had to say.
“..I'm really tired and I think I wanna go home now so.."
"Oh.." he didn’t know what else to say, but it was enough for you to understand that you would leave this party alone. You felt you hear crumble, tears pricking your eyes. He had promised to walk you home that night, since he knew it was quite a walk and being a Saturday night it might be dangerous. But now you knew that walking home together were no longer an option. You nodded and made your way out the crashed house, ascending into the dark streets of Seoul.
As soon as you had turned a block, tears fell down you soft red cheeks, and a quiet sobbing followed by that. Thinking back, it was good that you never confessed, cause it was obviously one-sided all along. It was clear that he liked Yujin. You couldn't stop feeling such pain in your chest as you thought back to that scene of him and her talking, just letting you stand by all alone. How he never once, looked over his shoulder to see if you still were there, or even hesitating when he noticed your small disappointed face when he waved you off. He said he enjoyed your company, and he’s suppose to be your best friend. How could one girl make everything change so drastically?
Now you were walking home, alone. Crying, freezing and heartbroken.
You were angry at Soobin for letting this happen, but also angry at yourself. For thinking that you even had a chance with him in the first place.
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Finally you came home without incident. You locked the door and slipped of you shoes before sluggishly making your way towards your bedroom. The crying had stopped now, but the depressive aura was still there. And so you fell onto your bed letting out a loud sigh.
After playing with your phone for almost 3 hours at the party, it was dead, so you plugged it in and made your way towards the shower. It was nice letting some steam off as you took your time in the warm shower.
You hair now wrapped around in a towel, along with you dressed in a pajamas. You made your way back towards the bed, reaching for your phone on the nightstand and turning it on. Your screen flashes the notification box, showing 5 missed calls and 11 messages from Soobin. You were chocked, why had he so desperately tried contacting you? Quickly you dialed him back.
He picked up immediately.
"Y/N! Aahh, Finally you picked up!” He sounded hysterical, but you heard how his voice tried calmed down, trying to compose his breathing again.
“Where are you? I thought we were going home together." Had he forgotten the whole ‘I want to go home?’ Conversation? This was ridiculous.
"Soobin. I told you that I wanted to go home and you just told me goodbye before continuing talking to that girl.. so I went home alone." You couldn't believe that he actually forgot that conversation because he was so invested in Yujin, which only made you more upset.
Soobin was quiet, probably trying to find his words. After a while, you could hear a tired sigh.
"I- I'm so sorry Y/N. God, I'm such an idiot. Please let me make it up to you.."
You could hear regret in his voice, he felt guilty for sure. but still that sourness didn't disappear,
"I can come over and we can watch a movie or have a sleepover.." you heard the desperate attempt to make his situation better but only silence fell from your lips.
"I don't think that's a good idea right now. I'm really tired so I'm going to bed but, but I guess I'll see you around." You were harsh in your tone, just like he was an hour ago. And to that you hung up before he could even answer you. For some it may seem harsh, but to you it felt like a good start to try forgetting him.
Cause you were now a 100% that being with him would never happen.
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Early morning came, and you felt the sun shining on your skin. It was a nice October morning, one that you’d have the urge to sit by a cafe and watch the beautiful autumn leaves flow by as the wind drifted them away. The apartment was quiet. And you comfortable woke up to the sound of the city waking up. As you made your way toward the kitchen, wanting to get started on some breakfast. The doorbell rang. Quickly you made your way to the wooden door. Turning the handle without checking who it was first.
"Soobin?" Was the first word that came out, you were chocked to meet eyes with your tall friend. He looked tired, had soft eyebags and messier hair, but he stilled looked stunning. You imagined if that would be how Soobin looked like waking up next to him. Feeling his soft skin and touches.
"Hey can I come in?" Soobin looked at you with sweet eyes while holding up a bag of snacks. You knew this was his way of redemption, trying to make it up to you.
Before you could answer Soobin spoke up again,
"Please, I really want to make it up to you.." his voice still calm, but showing so much emotions. And his eyes pleading with guilt. You couldn't resist him. You were close caving in, inviting him inside and letting him win over you once more. But you had to refuse,
"I'm sorry Soobin, but I'm busy today.." you didn't look up at him to see his reaction, but you noticed how he let out a loud sigh.
"Okay then.. well you can just call me whenever you're free." And with that he set the bag of snacks down and made his way from your door. You promptly closed the door behind him and sighed to yourself. You didn't want to reject him like that, but you also couldn't handle being so hopelessly in love with him. This the best way to dismiss your feelings, in better words. Stop loving him.
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"Hey Y/N! I’m waiting for you by the ice-cream store already!" Yeonjun’s positive tone made you feel better.
"Okay sure, I’ll be there in 10 minutes." A faint chuckle let out from your lips.
"Okay! Bye!" And to that you hung up the phone.
It has gone by a few weeks since that party. And your terms with Soobin wasn't the best at the moment. He had stopped trying to make it up to you, which seemed like a good thing, but he started seeing Yujin more and more. Apperantly they exchanged phone numbers and they've been going out together. Jealousy overcame you, you didn't want this to happen. But still, you can’t control how Soobin felt towards other, this was your problem to bare. Your selfishness was the reasoning for this. So you had to make up for it by yourself.
You quickly slipped on your shoes before heading out the door.
After a 5 minute walk you saw the mentioned Ice-cream shop that you and Yeonjun wanted to try out. Yeonjun stood outside the shop, tall and handsome, and along side him was... Soobin.
You cursed Yeonjun for not telling you that Soobin also were invited, you were in the middle of operation-forget-Soobin and it was impossible if Soobin was in your presence. You knew that as soon as you met his beautiful eyes you were bound cave in once more. But there was no turning back now, Yeonjun spotted you and loudly shouted for you to hurry. And so you did. Soobin looked at you, his eyes inspecting your every move. you could feel your heartbeat quicken. This was awkward, you haven't answered any of Soobin’s texts or phone calls and now you were on your merry way to meet him face to face.
"I'm so excited, I've been craving Ice-cream the whole day!" Yeonjun put his arm around you before happily entering the shop. It was a lot of people there, hence it being a new place. You stood at the queue and waited. Soobin was behind you. you could feel his gaze watch over you as you tried your best to ignore him. His presence was unbearable, and your heartbeat kept quickening.
Slowly he leaned closer to you and bent down towards your ear.
"You look nice today.." his tone was sweet and soft. Your breath hitched at his action. Dammit Soobin. You tried your best to continue ignoring him, instead looking over at Yeonjun and tried starting a conversation.
“Should I get Oreos or caramel as a topping?”
......
After 10 minutes you all had finally gotten the ice-cream you craved and stood outside the shop in the nice October sunlight. Digging in immediately. Yeonjun enjoyed his ice-cream loudly, complimenting it every second he got. Soobin on the other hand was gentle and licked small portions, not making any sound at all. It impressed you that such different people can become such good friends.
There was an awkward silence between the three of you, which only you and Soobin noticed. Yeonjun was too invested in his ice-cream to even notice the tension you and Soobin had built up.
It was uncomfortable, feeling Soobin’s eyes pierce onto you, trying to get your attention. At this point you knew he was desperate for winning you back. He missed his best friend. But you didn't oblige, you kept the determination to ignore him and stared at the ice-cream, trying to wave off his intensive stare.
Yeonjun finished of his ice-cream with a loud sigh and looked at you with a big smile.
"Best mint chocolate ice-cream I've ever had!" He chuckled as he made his way towards the door.
"Wait, where are you going?" You asked quickly, he pointed towards the inside and mumbled about tissues. Before you could intervene and follow him inside he closed the door behind him.
Making you and Soobin stand outside there all alone.
Curse you Yeonjun for being so ignorant, there's no way you can make it out of this situation without awkward tension.
You let out a loud sigh and looked down at the ground. Continuing to lick your ice-cream. Soobin was quiet, but he kept his stare. You just wanted this situation to end as quick as possible.
"Y/N, I know you're angry at me.. I know I screwed up.." he started, you could hear his voice cracking a bit. But you didn't dare to look up at his expression. You kept listening,
"But please, listen to me when I tell you that I am genuinely sorry. I miss you, you know.." his tone was desperate, he truly meant every word. You knew him long enough to know how he sounds like when he's at the point of breaking.. At this point, you couldn’t take it anymore. The feeling of neglecting everything you have inside your heart was breaking you slowly, and you just couldn't take it.
You were quiet for a bit, but you let out a small sigh before starting,
"Soobin, I just feel so betrayed and disappointed.. you left me.. because of this girl, like this new girl was more important than your.. best friend.." you sounded so selfish and pathetic as your strong voice ended with a quiet whimpering as tears prickled your eyes. Soobin looked confused, his lips were trembling, so were his hands. But slowly he reached out to your hand. His soft touch feeling your cold hand. He held onto it and started caressing it with his thumb.
"I am sorry.." his voice was low, and he cursed at himself for not giving you a better respond, but he didn't know what to say. For being such a cool headed guy, he never knew what to do in situations like these. When someone was deeply hurt and the reasoning for it, was him.
As he looked down at you, something in his mind wasn't adding up. He still couldn't put a finger down why you were so disappointed as you were. Sure, the situation at hand was not something to just look past, but your demeanor and reaction was a bit different for a thing like this.
"Y/N, I am truly sorry.. I'm sorry for leaving you, ignoring you and forgetting you.." you just nodded as a response, keeping your head low.
“I will never do that again, ever. You are so important to me, and I don’t want to hurt you again.” He once again sounded desperate, but you knew his words were genuine. He really did treasure your friendship. Before you could respond, he started,
"But I need to know.., is there something else that I've done towards you?" His question took you by surprise. You knew Soobin wouldn't be satisfied with nothing but the truth. So you opted the only option left, It was time to say it. Your voice was trembling, and you slowly looked up at his eyes, tears prickling at your own. Slowly you opened your mouth, wording.
"Soobin.. I'm in love with you.."
you voice was shaking, and your heart at this point was about to burst. His eyes widened at the statement, and he let go of your hand.
It fell quiet between the two of you, only the city ambiance filling the quietness between you.
Say something dammit.. this was nervwrecking. He was just staring at you with wide eyes, not expecting to hear such deep words coming from you. You couldn’t help but fiddle with your fingers, waiting and waiting for his answer.
Just say something! Anything..!
He was quiet, shocked. You couldn’t take it anymore. You spoke up, tears now falling.
"I know you don't like me back, because of the way you.. look at her, I just know.." Soobin was quiet, his mind was in chaos trying to register and analyze what you just said.
"I'm.. sorry.." his voice was trembling, just like yours. He once again cursed himself for not giving you a better answer, here you are spilling you heart out, being vulnerable. And all he could do was say sorry. idiot.
you gave him a small nodded, as a appreciative smile crept up on your lips. You were grateful that the answer was clear as day, and that you could finally move on. You backed away a bit.
"It was nice while it lasted, you were a good friend Soobin.. and I hope you treat her well.." you couldn’t be there anymore, there was no reason to keep seeing that face he made. He looked shocked, almost in disbelief. It was too much to bare.
you turned around and threw what was left of the ice-cream into the trash bin. Before quickly walking away, leaving Soobin alone. He knew following you was pointless, it would just make the situation at hand worse. But he couldn’t help but to feel guilt and regret creeping up on him. Why couldn’t he say what he really thought..?
Yeonjun finally came out after a couple of minutes.
"Sorry for making you wait so long, I went to the restroom as well soo.." he trailed off when he noticed that you had left.
"Where did Y/N go.? Did they also go to the restroom?” Yeonjun looked over at Soobin, who was now looking down onto the pavement.
"They didn't feel well and went home.." Soobin said, a very blunt and obvious lie. Yeonjun sensed it, but he didn’t want to further question, this wasn’t his business. A loud sigh escaped his lips.
"That’s too bad, I really like hanging out with them.." Yeonjun was visibly upset. Scratching his head roughly.
"Yeah, Me too..”
•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•
A/N:
God I absolutely love pure angst, and I’ve always had a thing for unrequited love. Idk why
I wanted to end this in a sad note once again, hope you don’t mind :,)
I’ll probably do a more fluff next time and I was leaning against Yeonjun or Hueningkai. But I’m not sure.
If you have any ideas or suggestions, go ahead and send them in my ask box! I’d love to hear your ideas!
Either way, I want to say thank you for all the amazing response I got from Rainy Days. I was so nervous when posting but you all are so sweet!
Ty for reading, Byeee❤️
This work belongs to @Beomeli on tumblr. Please do not trace or copy my work ©
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pure-kirarin · 3 years
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More than friends : Koby x f!reader
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A/N : Okay, I am just obsessed with Koby and there aren’t many scenarios with him so thought I might over indulge and write something. 
Overview: You and Koby were childhood friends but haven’t met in four years...
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« - I am coming ! »
You get out of your room, wondering who was paying you a visit so late. You open the door slowly, carefully, only to discover a man in a marine uniform. You narrowed your eyes, scanning his familiar silhouette. Pink hair, gentle eyes, it could only be...him. You put your hand on your lips, retaining a shriek of surprise. Whenever you thought of Koby, you were only met by the image of the small child that you used to play the pirate and the marine with. The person you had in front of you now was nothing like that child, it was different, but the eyes were the same.
-It has been such a long time, (Y/N)-san. I am sorry that I didn't tell you in advance, I wanted to keep it as a surprise. He smiles and rubs the back of his neck.
-Koby-san !
You try to hold your excitement, feeling as if you were in a dream. You two haven't seen each other in more than four years. Four years of solitude. You only heard that he has joined the marines two years ago, and that's how you kept in touch by exchanging letters.
-Please get in. You say, opening the door a bit wider so he can get inside. You notice now that he grew way taller than you. To say that you used to tease him about his height...You couln't retain a smile while taking his coat, asking him to get comfortable.
-I hope that I am not bothering you. I didn't think much before coming. I was on duty on the island and-...
-Why are you acting like we are strangers ? You can come whenever you want. I am...really happy that you did.
You were a little embarrassed since you weren't used to seeing him in person. It's true that you both exchanged long letters in which Koby described his marine life to you, but being next to him, right now...Made you feel like you were meeting for the first time. He on the other hand, seemed more assured, nothing like the self conscious little boy that you used to know but so similar at the same time.
-I am happy too. You have changed a lot, (Y/N)-san. He says with a little smile.
-Says who ! You are taller than me now. You say with a pouty face. Wait for me in my room, you point to the door with a hand gesture, I will bring some tea.
Koby makes himself comfortable. It was also now a strange feeling for him. The feeling of having always been there for you through words but also one of being strangers. He takes a sit and first thing he notices is a pile of letters next to your bed ; his letters ? He smiles at the sight. Koby has always been extremely moved by how much effort you put into keeping in touch. When he received your first letter after he joined the marine, he was surprised that you still remembered him and that you even wrote him. None of his childhood friends have done that, but you did. He still remembers your shaky handwriting, the same flowry paper that you always use and the very first words that you wrote ;
« Dear Koby-san,
I am not sure if you remember me but I am (Y/N),
we used to play together when we were kids. »
Of course he did remember. He even recalls the happiness of having someone write to him almost religiously. You never missed a holiday, a birthday, anything. Anytime something will show up about the marines in a newspaper you would write to him to make sure that he was doing alright. He chuckles when he thinks about Helmeppo asking if these letters were from his mom.
Your words were always there when he needed someone, encouraging when he lost confidence, entertaining in the long lonely nights, a clutch, a breeze of innocence in his world.
Your silhouette shows by the frame of the door, ruddy cheeks, shaky hands, noticing the scattered letters on the night stand. You put the plate on the table and hide away the letters in a drawer under his amused gaze, he didn't recall you being so shy. You take place next to him, pouring black tea in porcelain cups. He looks at your shaky hands and says ;
-You used to hate black tea.
-I am not a little girl anymore. I can have tea now ! You hand him the cup with a wide smile. Him remembering small details about you put your heart ablaze. He brings the cup to his lips and you just simply add ;
-You drink it without sugar now.
-I guess that changed too.
He inexpected you more in details, it was true that you were also far from the little girl that he knew. Actually, he surprised himself quite a few times imagining your face through your words but it was nothing like the woman that he had next to him. He gets a little distabilized by that thought, and you look at him with big eyes, trying to figure out what he was thinking about.
-You looked so cool in that uniform Koby-san... ! I am sure that you will become soon an admiral !
You said, trying to make the atmosphere a bit lighter, making him choke on his tea and say while waving his hand in front of his face
-I still have a way to go ! (Y/N)-san !
-You will be there in no time ! I am sure. You laugh lightly. Then, you tell him to wait for a second before taking a book out of your drawyer and putting it on your legs. Look what I have found last time by the way !
He looks at the book with an interested face before you open it. It was an old photo album with yellowish pages. Inside, there were many photographs of you. He remembers the girl-child with full cheeks and a contagious smile that was now imprinted on his lips. You turn the pages and then stop pointing at a picture of the both of you ; Him dressed up as a marine boy and you wearing a red-like cape, how old were you ? 8 probably ? You smile at that memory and say ;
-I really miss those days ! You were so cute, and you had such big cheeks. I'm sad that I can't pinch them anymore now !
Koby blushes and tries to take the picture off you hand but you hold it above your head before jumping on your feet like a kitten ;
-(Y/N)-san ! That's so...give it back. His voice was adorable,
-What ? Are you embarrassed now ?
-No it's just..
-Hehe ! Don't tell me that you are too shy ? You say with a playful voice.
Koby gets up and holds you by the wrist, you get a bit surprised but then you try to move your hand away from him, teasing him further. However, you didn't expect the man to have this much force and you fall back on your bed, making him lose balance as well. You open your eyes only to discover that Koby was now on top of you, your hand letting the picture go and fall on the ground. He lets go of your wrist and you both look deeply into each others eyes, distabilized by the sudden proximity. The proximity and the heat of the moment made you remember that he will only be spending a few hours in your presence. Your heart started beating fast thinking that it was your only chance to tell him what you have hidden for so long. You didn't want to do it like a coward, you didn't want to have hopes for the next four years, who knows when you will be able to meet again ?
« I want to be more than friends, Koby. »
Your words were fast, blunt, surprising. Koby wasn't able to process what was happening, you just went from zero to nine. You were always that way, so random, impredictible, always acting on the heat of the moment ;
- I am going to kiss you now. You whisper.
- huh ?
You didn't wait for him, you took his hand in yours, it was warm and a bit moist, was he as stressed as you were ? You closed your eyes, intoxicated by his smell ; a mixture of soap and cologne. At first, he didn't know what to do, feeling your soft lips just brushing against his. He stayed inert for a second then, he instinctively pinned your wrists by each side of your head, firmly yet gently. You let yourself go, you let yourself get guided by the weight of his body, engraving every single moment in your memory. I don't want to let go of him...You were eager, not willing to let go, you kissed him passionately as if you tried to pour all your love in that gesture. His mind was a wreck, his head was clouded, he has never thought that he wanted to kiss you that much , that you both needed it. When the kiss had to come to an end, Koby separated your lips, rosy cheeks, eyes meeting yours, half open. You held him by the collar, bringing him closer, an ocean of yearning mirrored in your irises.
-I kissed you anyways...
This time, it was him closing the gap between your lips. It was different, rougher, desperate, teeth tugging at his lower lip. One hand got lost in his hair while the other one rested on his chest, surprised to discover how fast it was beating, almost as fast as yours.
-(Y/N)-san... He says puzzled, not understanding how things turned up this way that quickly, nor what he was feeling at that moment and why he enjoyed it so much.
-..I...I wanted to...I have always liked you, Koby-san...That's why I...I looked for you everywhere...I want more...Than just friends.
Looking at you so fragile under his body made his heart melt. Nobody has ever waited for him for that long. He thought about the times that your words have cheered him up and about the times that you spent together as kids. He even thought about the promise that you have both exchanged, one day, in your yard. His hand brushes your cheek softly ;
-You still remember our promise then...He says.
Could it be ? What was just despair in your eyes turned into hope. You nodded, now encercling his chest holding him closer ;
-Then hurry up and become an admiral...
You said, remembering that hot summer day, eight years ago, a day when you promised that you'd marry Koby when he becomes an admiral.
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nexyra · 3 years
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RWBY's Love Language - Part 2
Hello friend ! I'm back at it with a second part and whatever character I can think of ! (Among which best boy Oscar because he deserves it, and also more adults)
Let's go !
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Oscar Pine
So ! While I love Oscar with my whole heart, honestly guessing his Love Language is no easy feat. One thing for sure : touch isn't is thing even if it's how everyone else chose to communicate their love.
I saw a post a while back detailing how Oscar is always putting his hands up as a barrier when he's scared or uncomfortable and that makes me cry a little instead but it's true TT. Anyway...
In the latest volumes we've got quite a bit of comforting Oscar-talks but I have to wonder how much of that is due to Ozpin's influence really. As a result I've decided to settle on... Acts of Service or Quality Time ! This is based on a few details : when people are upset with him in one shape or form, Oscar was always very eager to prove himself useful, give some aspect of concrete help (such as cooking a Casserole, ringing any bell ?). Plus I imagine that's the exact brand of help his Aunt would have needed most on a farm. Added to that, he always seems fairly happy to be included, be with the others no matter what's going on. Training ? Yay ! A movie with Jaune & Weiss ? Smiling puppy look. Fancy party ? Shenanigans together ! So yea, I love seeing my boy loved and hugged but please everyone settle for the loving he's most comfortable with <3
“She made a choice! A choice to put others before herself! So do I.”
“Oh, uh, yeah. I thought you guys would appreciate a hot meal after... spending all day looking for me, apparently.”
“No, it's okay. These past few days, I've been scared of the same things you were. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be... me. But I did some thinking, and I do know that I want to do everything I can to help with whatever time I have left.”
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- - - - - - - - - -
Ozpin
For our favorite immortal wizard aka not quite dead Headmaster... I think the answer is rather obvious. When you're so careful with your words, but also so fiercely devoted to humanity, Words of Affirmation is a must. Ozpin constantly does his best to calm, to reassure. He's good at controlling the conversation and getting people where he wants... Except he more often than not use it to make them think and help them reach an healing ore motivating conclusion. This man is so insisten on giving and cultivating hope, so painfully aware of just how much words can change... There's no doubt in my mind that it's through these very same words that he tries to fight the darkness in others' mind, even when they don't want to let themselves be persuaded. And with some help from the farmboi, Ozpin is gaining in honesty and earnestness. And that can only help in giving comfort.
But to be honest... If you offer him a hug I doubt he'd refuse, and he definitely deserves one. Also therapy. For Oscar too. Everyone in therapy 2k21.
“Ruby. I've made more mistakes than any man, woman, and child on this planet. But at this moment I would not consider your appointment to leader to be one of them. Do you?”
“It's not every day that friends are able to come together like this. Time has a way of testing our bonds, but it's nights like these that can help keep them stronger than ever. Nights like these are ones we'll never forget.”
“Don't worry, Mr. Arc. Your journey is far from over, and the same might be said for all of you. Unlocking your Semblance isn't the end. It can still grow and evolve. Providing you are willing to put in the work, who knows what could happen?”
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- - - - - - - - - -
Emerald Sustrai
Now here I'm gonna go ahead and say that the way Emerald has been taught to express her love and the way SHE would rather preffered to be loved most likely do not align. At the side of someone like Cinder, and even Mercury who isn't exactly the most emotionally vulnerable person; the only brand of love that gets an easy pass is Acts of Service, and that's probably what Emerald is the most used to. I can go on a mission with you. I can help. We go right back to the "I can be useful" mentality and I'm not sure she's been shown any other way honestly. Let's be real though : if someone offered a hug or some gentle words ? She'd probably pout & fuss but I hardly doubt she'd object.
“I don't care about Salem! But I owe Cinder everything. You want to fight her that bad? Be my guest.”
“I just... Cinder was the only family I ever had. She cared about me, taught me things... But without her here, I don't know if what we're doing--”
“I've been working on my Semblance. I can help. I won't tell anybody.”
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- - - - - - - - - -
Pyrrha Nikos
What's with everyone and dedicating their whole love toward just helping their teammates anyway they can ?! Stop ! But any way, you guessed it. I'm pretty sure one of Pyrrha's top way of showing love is Acts of Service, and nothing means quite as much to her as Quality Time. For someone who's been put on a pedestal and has a hard time relating to people; both touch and words can be a bit awkward. But if they're wrapped up neatly in a training session or semblance explanations ? Well that's already a more familiar area. Pyrrha gives her whole to her friends and those she cares about. And in exchange, if anyone can simply... be there and spend time with her... May it be at the ball or simply sitting in the courtyard... I'm sure our girl would be delighted.
“Jaune, you know if you ever need help, you can just ask.”
“I'm constantly surrounded by love and praise; but when you're placed on a pedestal like that for so long, you become separated from the people that put you there in the first place. But thanks to you, I've made friendships that will last a lifetime.”
“I'll do it. If you believe this will help humanity, then I will become your Fall Maiden.”
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Qrow Branwen
If I say Gift Giving for the corvid, is someone gonna hit me ? Come on it's fun ! Okay, more seriously... I think this kind of love conversation is kind of a necessity for Qrow. With a semblance such as Bad Luck, making everything complicated... Qrow tries to keep his distance from those he cares about. And since he's an emotionally repressed (but caring) asshole on top of it... Well that kinda narrows down his option. You know what DOESN'T put anyone at risk but can still bring smiles on their face ? GIFTS. Shiny things, souvenirs from his missions all over the world to give to 2 smol nieces. Sounds safe right ? That said, as any good emotionally unavailable character in this show, I gotta say Qrow probably has a thing for helping out and making himself useful in relation to Oz, Tai or the rest of the inner circle. So you know what that means *whisper* Acts of Service.
That said ! When it comes to receiving some love back... Qrow probably likes everything he doesn't allow himself to have. Soft touches, loving & comforting words, spending time with a friend without his semblance making everything complicated... We know that's all he wants.
“You idiot. I know you didn't do this.”
“Look, pal, I'm not sure who you are, but you need to leave my niece alone.”
“No one wanted me... I was cursed... I gave my life to you because you gave me a place in this world... I thought I was finally doing some good...”
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Clover Ebi
And among our newbies (and gone too soon) friends we have Clover ! Clover was a very good contrast to our dusty old crow but also a great help. Kind-hearted, perceptive and honest; he knew just how to put Qrow's self-loathing in his place and push him to give himself some credit. He always had a nice word or a joke for everyone, and visibly the rock of the Ace Ops : an expert a keeping the moral up and the mood companiable. Evidently, Words of Affirmation was his expertise. Had things gone differently, I'm sure we'd have had time for many more earnest and helpful conversations with this teal-eyed fisherman.
“It's a good thing they had someone to look up to and get them through it. Not everyone is so lucky.”
“I meant deflect a compliment. Those kids wouldn't be where they are without you. You've had more of an effect on them than you realize.”
“We don't have to fight, friend.”
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Winter Schnee
And today in the "emotionally unavailable" category we have... Winter Schnee ! TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS PEOPLE ! Just - I would say look at Ruby but even she doesn't talk about her bad vibes... Nor does any of the "Words of Affirmation" peeps. Honestly what's wrong with y'all people ? Anyway Winter cares so much. Is it hidden behind professionalism and a stern *big sister* demeanour ? Sure. But it doesn't negate just how much she loves her closed ones. She's fiercely loyal, and even if she doesn't let her personal feelings get in the way of her duty and doing what needs to be done, no one is allowed to say she doesn't care. Countrary to Weiss, Winter doesn't seem as good nor as aware of the love that exists in simply *being* with people. Rather, she's dutiful and ready to help any way she can when given the chance. You guessed it, yet another Acts of Service kind of love... Maybe I'm doing this wrong XD. I'm on the fence about Words of Affirmation as well. Despite her standoffish looks, Winter has always been very open & reassuring during her discussions with Penny. But she's more stern when it comes to Weiss so I dunno x)
“I don't recall asking about your ranking, I'm asking how you've been. Are you eating properly? Have you taken up any hobbies? Are you making new friends?”
“You've grown up a bit, haven't you? You're not the little girl clinging to the family name anymore.”
“You can't just buy trust like everything else! You have to earn it!”
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And that's it for Part 2 ! I might do some other characters if people suggest some but I don't have a pressing need to right now. I have many ideas of songs to apply to various characters however so that's prob what my next posts will consist of (or fun templates)
If anyone has tips to create RWBY gifs or links to download the eps in good quality I'll take it ! Good day everyone !
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dreamifics · 3 years
Text
John Wick x Assassin!Reader!
Two Broken Souls
Chapter 1:
A woman push pass people in the busy and rainy street of New York, she was making her way to The Continental. She was covering her face with the dark hoodie that envelops her whole body..
Entering the hotel, the woman caught everyone's attention, but it didn't faze her. She sashay her way to the counter, taking off her hood in the process.. Small gasps and hush whispers filled the hotel lobby.
The woman was all covered in blood, her eyes were blank and cold but she was carrying a black duffel bag.. This was Y/N L/N or as the underworld calls her 'The Reaper', she's a highly paid assassin and anywhere she goes Death always follow..
They all know that she is the perfect epitome of Death.
Rumors has it that she even surpasses the infamous 'Baba Yaga'..
But the truth is Y/N was hopelessly and completely in love with John Wick, they used to be partners but he left her for Helen, given they were just friends but he left her high and dry.. Y/N had no hard feelings, she just wanted John to be happy and it was nice to see that Helen unconditionally loves the man she also love.. Helen was a sweet and nice person while she is far from that.. She's just a quick-witted, sarcastic evil killer and deep inside her she knew that she didn't deserve John..
Everyone she loves will only die..
Reaching the concierge, she drops her hand to the desk and drop some gold coins.. Charon gave Y/N a small smile, and accepted the coins.
"Charon, give me a room and some medical supply.." Her voice was cold and blank, Y/N is not usually like this to peoole she's acquainted with.. Y/N is just having a rough day, for god's sake she was covered with blood that doesn't even belong to her and to top that up she have a gunshot wound in her abdomen.
"Rough day, Miss L/N?"
"You could say.." She answered while her fingers tapped the concierge desk, Y/N was slowly getting impatient.
"Here you go..Room 12--" He was cut off by the desk phone ringing.
"Please wait a moment, Miss L/N.." Charon answered the phone but he still hasn't given Y/N her keys..
Growing more and more impatient Y/N wanted to grab the keys from his hand and punched him but Charon is her frien--more like acquaintance..
"Okay, i'll move her.." Charon said aa he ended the call..
"Miss L/N, you have been moved to Room 134..Please enjoy your stay.."
He gives Y/N the new key and she grabs it and made her way to the elevator.. She was confused that she has been moved, knowing that Winston is probably the one behind this action, she just shrugged it off.
The elevator opens and it revealed a man with a black suit and a long hair that covered his whole face, Y/N doesn't even need to see the man's face.. She knew that this was the guy she loved, the one who she still loves.
John was stunned at the person that is infront of him.. Y/N L/N, the girl he used to love but didn't do anything because he was afraid to jeopardize their friendship, so he moved on and that's where he met Helen.
He noticed that Y/N was covered in blood, worries shot through his whole body.. Y/N may be a good assassin but she never cared about the state her body is in..
"Are you okay?"
Y/N's breath hitched, she felt a lump got caught in her throat and her heart was beating out of her chest. The way his eyes travel to her face and body, it was making her weak.
"Im-Im alright.."
John forehead creased, he can see when people are lying to him but Y/N was a very good liar.
"Is that your blood?" He asks gesturing to her whole body.
"Maybe 2 percent of it, the remaining belonged to many assholes who got in my way.." Y/N tried to joke but it came out a little rude..
"I see you haven't change.." John gave her a smile, it has been long since he smiled like this.
"Ye-Yeah..I have to go." She dismissed all the feelings that was once bubbling up again, she entered the elevator and John got out..
"It's nice to see you Y/N, i hope we can get a drink later.." John offered but he only got a blank stare from Y/N..
And she was gone, the elevator has closed it doors..
Y/N doesn't want to see John ever again, she was broken-hearted when he left, the pain she felt can't amount to any gunshot wounds she endured in her life.
Y/N hoped that this was the last time she will see John Wick, the man she loves..
The elevator reached her floor, she walks to her door and unlocked the room.. Entering inside she flops down the couch and grabbed the medical supplies that was laying around in the table infront of the couch.
After she took out the bullet and stitch herself up, she took a shower.. Now she's looking all over her hotel room for any alcohol that will supress the pain she was feeling.. But she found nothing, Charon and Winston know that she always need to have an alcohol in her room but what happend? Did they forgot?
Giving up she went through her clothes and pulled out a black dress, she slowly took of the bathrobes that were covering her body and carefully slid on the dress..
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Y/N wore a black leather boots, hiding a dagger knife inside and putting a gun holster in her legs.. She can never be too careful, she let her hair fall on her shoulders as she grabs the door handle and swing it open.
In that exact time the door infront of her room also swing open revealing John..
Y/N mentally curses at herself, she didn't want to see John anymore.. It will only made it harder to move on, she sighs and slammed the door as fast as she could.
John noticed Y/N but his gaze was immediatly broken by the slamming of her door.. Was Y/N avoiding him?
He closed his door and knock on Y/N's.. John heard Y/N curse at herself and the door opened..
"Oh!Hey John!Didn't see you there!" Y/N faked a smile but John saw right through it.
"Drop the act..Are you avoiding me?" John asks with desperation in his tone..
Y/N was frozen, should she tell John her undying love? But she was not like Helen, she wasn't sweet nor nice and she can't givr John the normal life he yearns.. Helen and Y/N are different, John would never love a girl like her..
She was a cold-blooded killer..
A frown escaped her lips as thoughts like that crept unto Y/N's mind.. Shaking off her mind, she focused back on John who was giving her a penetrating gaze..
"N-Nothing, let's get that drink.." She pulled John's arm and lead him to the elevator..
As she touches John's arm it send thousand of sparks to her whole body..
"So what are you up to?" Y/N tried her hardest to change the topic and not look into John's heartmelting eyes..
"You know what i did...How about you?Last i heard you were in Italy?"
Y/N did vacation in Italy--and what she means by vacation was assassinating enemies of the High Table..
"Just a vacation.." She mutters and the elevator opened..
The two got in and pressed the ground floor, an eerie silence filled the elevator..
"Vacation?Did not know that you take those.." John joked making you frown..
"Ha ha!Did not know you make jokes.."
The two just laugh and the ambiance became more comfortable..
"So how are you holding up?" Y/N asks, her tone was dripping with worries..
"I'll be fine.." His face turned into a sad frown, it made Y/N's heart crack, Y/N aches when she sees the love of her life hurting..
"Im sorry.." Y/N comforted the man infront of her and gives him a hug..
And in that action, John couldn't contain the sadness in his heart anymore.. So he closed his eyes and embrace Y/N's hug.. His head falling on the nook of Y/N's neck..
"Im so sorry John.."
She tighten the hug and rubbed his back.. Why can't Y/N seem to let John go? Why can't she move on?
"If you want help, i can help you.. Let's kill those sons of bitches.."
John chucked and Y/N felt the vibrate of his laugh.. Her heart jumped and Y/N's throat getting drier every second that John was in the crook of her neck.
"This is my battle..Besides you are the only thing i have now..I can't bear to lose you too.." John explained, meaning every word of it.. Does he still have feelings for Y/N?
The elevator door reached the floor and the doors opened, standing there was a smirking Winston..
Y/N frowned when she knew what Winston was thinking, he was the only person that knows her undying love for John.. She pulled back from the hug and exits the elevator..
John felt a little disappointed when she pulled away from his embrace, and that's when he sees Winston standing infront of them..
"Hey Winston!" Y/N greeted the father figure she looks up to, and hugs him..
"Ahh!Dear!I see you found our beloved John Wick..." A sly smirk tugged in his lips, John didn't know what that means but he did noticed the way Y/N shifted uncomfortably..
"Im going to the bar.." Y/N announces, leaving John and Winston for the bar..
John watch Y/N walks away from them, the way her hips sway as she move.. He remembered the first time he saw Y/N..
It was another mission for John, kill Alessandro Rossi, the man who planned to overthrown him.. He was in a club waiting for Alessandro to walk in, sitting in the bar and that's when he saw Y/N..
Wearing a tight black dress and sitting across the club, with a drink in her hand.. Y/N was also waiting for Alessandro, she was ordered to get some information from the bastard
He still remember the first sentence Y/N said to him.
"Baba Yaga?You know that names is really weird..Thinking about changing it?" The woman said to him as she pointed a gun to Alessandro's head.
"Wh-what now?" John was mesmerized by Y/N, the way she took down the bodyguards and her sarcastic remarks when Alessandro curses at her..
"You bitch!Im going to kill you and send you to hell!"
"Who said your going to live?" Y/N's voice was blank but it was also dripping with smugness..
"BITCH!!IM SENDING YOU TO HELL!!"
"Well you see--Im the Reaper..Im the one who decides who dies and im also the one who drag people back to hell!"
John was just standing there as Y/N interrogates the man.. He smiles at how sassy she talks to Alessandro and Y/N interrogation skills was top-notch..
"BITCH LET ME OUT OF HERE!YOUR A HEARTLESS BITCH!!I'LL SEE YOU BURNING IN HELL!!IM GOING TO KILL YOU!!YOUR GOING TO DIE WHORE!"
John's jaws clenched at the insults he spit on Y/N, he was always a gentleman.. And that is no way to treat a lady.. He was about to do something when Y/N grabbed a knife and stabbed his knee..
"I know there's a compliment somewhere in there and i'll take it.."
"You bitch!"
"Ah, there it is!"
John stood there with a big smile in his face and when Y/N was done getting information out of him, John thought that she's going to finish the job but instead she turns around and gave John a viscious smirk.
"Im all done!You can kill the motherfuck--"
"You said i'll live!!" Alessandro cried and Y/N just slaps him in the face
''I also said that im 22 so see you in hell.." Y/N gave Alessandro a wicked smile..
"NOOOO!"
"Do it.." She said walking away from the dark warehouse and going outside to get some fresh air..
John just looked at Y/N amazed before turning back to Alessandro who was weeping..
John also remembered the day he realized he was falling inlove with Y/N
Y/N and John began a friendship--more like a partnership, the two was the most highly paid assassins and the most powerful..
It was John's birthday and he doesn't celebrate but when he met Y/N, she keep insisting to celebrate so Y/N throw John some suprise parties but she always fails because he doesn't show up.
Except for one, it was a day before his birthday when Y/N left and said she was going to do a mission in Tokyo but the truth was she threw John a suprise birthday party. The only people who was invited was the two of them..
He entered his apartment and that's where he saw Y/N.. Baking a cake which she was horribly failing at that Y/N didn't even notice John walking in.. The whole place was decorated with birthday banners and balloons..
"Damn!This cake is killing me!" She utters under her breath..
"What are you doing?"
"What the fuck?!" Y/N shouted and she pointed the gun at him..
"Woah!"
"Sorry!Thought you were someone else!"' She pouted and her eyes widen when as she remembered that it was a surpise birthday..
"Oh!SURPRISE!Ugh!I ruined it!I was the one who got suprised!" She shouted making John laugh..
"What are you doing?Are you trying to burn down my kitchen?" He jokes making Y/N frown..
"Ha ha!So funny!Just shut up and help me bake a cake!!Im the infamous Reaper but this cake is killing mee!"
And that was the day he knew he was inlove with you..
"John, you should go for it.."
John snapped back to reality as Winston spoke, he stares at the man and just shake his head..
"I don't know what your talking about.." John push pass Winston..
"You know she feels the same way.."
This made John stop, is it really true?
Is it true that the infamous 'Reaper' likes him back? The memory of Helen suddenly enters him mind.. He felt guilty, like he was cheating..
"Helen would want you to move on.."
John growls at Winston by the mention of Helen's name.. Winston just chuckled and taps his shoulder..
"Kids nowadays.." Winston mumbles and walked towards the elevator.
John sighs and made his way to bar where Y/N was sitting, a whiskey in her hand..
Y/N mind flew to the endless nights she was crying because of John, the way she watch John from a distant on his wedding day because she refused to come.. It took a toll on her emotional and physical state..
The days where Y/N was down, she didn't even do her job right.. It was always messy, her mind was always flying.. She remembers the time she saw John and Helen having fun, that was the day she accepted her faith..
That she and John will always and forever be just friends.
She moved the glass to her lips, taking a sip of the whiskey.. It burned her throat but she was addicted to it, the oh so satisfying burn of the alcohol..
Y/N saw from the corner of her eye a man was approaching her, Y/N's hand traveled to her gun holster, readying it if someone does attack her..
"Am i seeing right?Or Y/N L/N is drinking alone?"
Y/N turned around to see the owner of the voice, a small smirk played in her lips when it dawned to her..
This was Alex Kavelj, a past lover..
Partner.
Friend.
And enemy..
The two of them tried to kill each other, like Mr and Mrs Smith only without the happy ending.. Y/N ended up winning but she couldn't bring herself to kill the man she used to sleep with..
"Well if it isn't Mister Alex Kavelj.." A smirk played in her lips, she turned back her attention on the drink in her hand but her other hand was still on her holster..
"Come to kill me again?" She taunted at the man behind her, she doesn't know Alex intentions..
"You know i wouldn't do that to you.." He purrs sitting next to Y/N, he signaled to the bartender for a drink..
A scoff escaped her lips as she sips her whiskey, and just shakes her head in amusement.
"Lies.."
"Come on Y/N!Believe me!It's like we don't have any history together.."
Y/N wanted to throw her glass at the man beside her but doing that will cause only chaos to the two of them.. Alex just looked at her, his eyes were burning with lust.. And Y/N noticed it, she felt disgusted..
Y/N regrets sleeping with Alex, they used each other.. Y/N used him as a distraction from John while Alex used her for lust..
"Keep dreaming.." Y/N's voice was filled with disgust, she felt a hand on her shoulders.. She was ready to pounce Alex but she sees the man she hates was still sitting besides her..
Turning her head, she sees John with a serious face.. Y/N has got to admit that she was turned on for just a little bit..
"Is there something wrong?" John asks, his voice was stern and filled with authority..
Y/N just give John a small smile and turn to face Alex.. She slowly let go of her gun holster, she felt safe with John with her.
"Just dealing with pests, that's all.." She said gulping the last bit of whiskey in her glass..
"Mind if i sit with you?" John asks, his hand still holding her shoulder..
"Well that is the deal.." Y/N smiles, she hears Alex scoff..
"Is this your new boy toy?"
"No he's just a fri--"
"Yes, i am..Now what does it matter to you?" John cuts Y/N off, her jaw was wide open.. Surprised at what John had say..
"Chill man!Just reuniting with an old friend.." Alex winks at Y/N making her shudder in disgust.
"Okay..Now leave.." John demanded with the coldest stare anyone could ever get.
Alex just laughs grabbing his drink and walked away from but not without giving Y/N a flirtatious wink..
"Call me if that toy boy of yours is broken!" He waved at Y/N but she just growled at him..
Turning back her attention to the bartender while gesturing a refill.. John sits next to her, moving a little closer to Y/N.
"Who was that?" John asks his eyes were filled with anger and jealousy.. But Y/N didn't see it, she was busy melting in his eyes.
"Just an old acquaintance.."
"Doesn't seem like it.." John growls..
Y/N eyebrows were furrowed at her friends weird behaviour.. Ignoring it she takes another sip of her whiskey, John motioned for a drink and points at my whiskey.
"Yeah, im totally lying..We used to have a friends with benifits thing.. Then we tried to kill each other but i made the mistake of letting him go.."
John whole body stiffened when he heard that term 'friends with benefits'.. He doesn't even know what that means but that does sound very nice..
"What that does mean?" He asks..
Y/N laughs at John's confused face.. She forgot that John doesn't know slangs, he only used formal ones..
"Oh, God!I need to teach you slangs.."
John looked at Y/N as she drink all her alcohol, she faces him..
"Friends with benefits is a sexual relationship without the feelings and commitment.."
John felt his blood boil, he never knew that Y/N was capable of doing that.
"You did that?With him?"
"Well--Yeah.."
"Why?" John said glaring at Y/N..
She felt uneasy, this was the usual John.. Always protecting her, treating her like she was a kid.
"Well--I was reall--"
"You shouldn't do that!It--Just don't do that again.."
Y/N was getting angry as soon those words left his mouth.. He was the reason why.. He was the reason she threw herself at Alex.. He was the reason she was a blabbering mess when he retired.. She wanted to scream that in John's face..
All those days she felt alone and small, that's why she formed a relationship with Alex.. He was just a confidence booster for Y/N.
"You don't get to order me like that..It's my life and it's my goddamn decision!" She screams at John, it was full of anger and spite.
People are now staring at them, she stands up and paid the drinks she had..
"See you around, Wick.."
John knew that Y/N was mad at him, she just called him by his last name.. She never does that, again she saw Y/N walk away from him.
A part of him felt guilty, but he shakes it off and exits the hotel to carry out the mission that was given to him..
Y/N walks pass Charon, she toss some coins to him..
"Bottle of vodka.." Those were enough for the man to understand.. Y/N made her way outside, she was going to kill another enemy of the High Table..
Sighing, Y/N made her way to the apartment unit she owns.. It was already dark, she reached the door of her apartment..
Slowly opening it, she enters cautiously.. She wasn't followed but maybe someone was waiting here for her.. She grabs her gun, and scope the place but she found it empty..
Y/N enters her room and went straight to the closet.. There was some few clothes but it was just mostly guns, ammunitions and files.
She grabs a duffel bag and shove guns and grenades there, Y/N was busy packing when she hears her front door rattle it was followed by a knock.
She closed her walk in closet and hide behind a post near the front door.. She was ready to kill this person.
This could be someone after her..
Gripping her gun, she carefully walks to the door.. Taking a look at the peephole she found her neighbor who was an old woman..
She opened the door but not fully open, she hides the hand that was holding her gun in her back.
"Mrs. Kranowski!It's late, what are you doing here?" She fakes a smile and the old woman just pulled out a letter from her pockets..
"Dear, this was addressed to you but delivered to me..I got this today but since you were not here i kept it..And then i saw you entering your apartment so im giving it to you now..."
The woman gave Y/N the letter, and she gladly accepted it.
"Thank you Mrs. Kranowski.." She didn't give a chance for the old woman to talk, Y/N already closed the door, locking it in the process.
She examined the letter, it did belong to her.. Opening it, she saw a letter.. It was from her father, the leader of the Camorra crimial organization and also the member of the High Table.
Y/N is the youngest D'Antonio..
Yes, she was another D'Antonio, the youngest and most ruthless.. Their father treated her like a weapon, ordering her to kill people and doing his dirty works.. Santino was the only one who treated her like she was human..
No one even knew she was a D'Antonio, maybe it was a good thing, even John doesn't know her true identity.
She sighs as the horrible memories flooded her mind, the way her Father forced her to take advanced assassination training at a very young age.. The rigorous training that almost took her life.
The killer instinct inside her was awaken at the young age of 12.. She had no mother to protect her from the wrath of her Father.. So she had no choice but to oblied to his father orders
She starts to read the letter, her hands shaking at the crude penmanship that belonged to her father..
Dear Amore Mio,
Im sorry for the things that i put you through, i blamed you for your Mother's death but you were innocent.. I broke you, i failed you and your Mother.. I made you do horrible things, but know that i love you.. You are my little stellina, you are my cuoro mio..
The day you were born is the day of your Mother's death.. I regret not giving you a normal life, not spending time with you.. And im really sorry for making you the worst and evil version of you.. But i do know that you still have the last bit of goodness inside you, and Winston also told me about that pretty boy Wick that you love so much.. You have grown up, you have learned to love someone..
My time is running out, and you, my daughter will live a normal life, that's my last wish for you.. Your siblings will fight over my position in the High Table and i know you will be stuck in the middle of all this.. I have a last gift for you, i gave it to Winston.. I get that you trust him more than you trust me.. So i left it to the guy you trust so much..
Gianna will take over my position, but you know that Santino would not bow down that easy.. Bloods will shed and im thankful that you won't be a part of it.. Don't do anything stupid and live a normal life but i know that living like that is impossible.. I love you my little stellina..
Tears were strolling down her face, she didn't know what to do.. But she hates Winston for telling her father about John Wick.. She hugs the letter, nursing it..
This was the first time her father gave her affection, the first time her father apologized to the horrible things he did.. This was also the first time he ever mentioned Y/N's mother, and the first time he said i love you..
Y/N's phone rang making her snap out of her trance, wiping the tears in her face she stands up and looked over the caller id..
Santino..
She accepted the call and unsurely put it in her ear..
"H-Hello?" Y/N's voice was hoarsed, her brother doesn't even need to tell her, she knew that her father is dead..
"Y/N!Father is dead.."
"I-I'll be there.." Those were the words that left her mouth and immediately ended the call..
That's where she broke down, silent scream erupted from her lips.. Her soul was broken again, she was on her floor balled up like a baby..
She suddenly jolted up when she remembered her task, kill Monuira Guisa, this man was planning to elimanate a member of the High Table..
Taking off her feelings and emotions and shoving them to the pit of her stomach.. She can't mess this shit up, so she stands and wipe away the tears in her face..
She washed her face and changed clothes to a more comfortable and moveable clothes.
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Grabbing the duffel bag with the ammunitions, guns and grenades.. She prepared herself, taking a deep breath she exits the apartment but before that she enabled her security system.
Locking the door, she discreetly walks away from the building and made her way to the task that was given to her..
Y/N arrives at the hiding spot her target is in, she first scope the place.. There were dozens of boduguards, which means one thing..
He knew someone was coming for him..
A viscious grin formed in her lips, she was going to blow some steam off.. She grabs gun and daggers, hiding it in her boots and jacket.
"Let's kill some motherfu--Ouch!" Y/N was starting to walk when she tripped over a rock.. Steadying and readying herself once again and started to walk..
Ready to kill..
People hide.. Death is coming..
Y/N stands in the middle of the room, she was surrounded by dead bodies courtesy by her.. Infront of her was Monuira, he was bound to a chair.. Sleeping peacefully, Y/N took a picture as another proof.. Then she bring her gun to his head and pulled the trigger..
The sound of her gun echoes through the whole room, sighing as she felt guilt run through the course of her body.
She grabs her bag from the floor and continues to exit the death scene.. No one survived, nobody was left alive..
She went straight to the street leading to the The Continental..
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capuletoo · 3 years
Text
He sees everything- Winter Anderson
note: another fic yay! and sorry for misspelling etc english is not my first language <3
dedications: @americxn @mrs-march-ahs @mossybank <3 yall are the best
TW: kai being manipulative and not letting the reader and Winter be happy together likeee fan behavior ;/
Words: 1k
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To be in love was to be hurt.
To put your all into someone, to desire and admire every part of someone was to be torn to shreds. It was to feel as if your heart had been shattered inside your chest with no means of ever being put back together.
That was something that you knew quite well.
It might be too soon to call it love, you were still confused.
You were figuring yourself out. Experiencing the real world, whether you liked it or not, you caught yourself staring at pretty girls, imagining you hugging them, and holding hands. You simply didn't have time to fall in love when you didn't even know yourself!
You did not want this to happen, but it happened, leaving you with the thought that you fancied girls, but not Winter Anderson. Especially not Winter. The girl was charming and beautiful- but your entire purpose of speaking to her was to talk about the cult.
The cult.
Being another victim of kai felt terrible. Forced to do things you disagreed with, gossiping about it with Winter at the risk of someone finding out and telling Kai, and this fear grew more when you found out that Kai was waiting for you in the basement.
You went down the stairs, preparing for what was coming.
Kai was sitting at the table, shaking his head giving the command that you sit across from him, pulling his pinky, resting his elbow on the table.
Winter was the first one to teach you how the pinky power worked. You thought that it was a dumb way to get secrets out of a person, an unfair game. You took the seat across from him, intertwining your little fingers. “No secrets.” His steady voice break the silence. “i´ll know if you're lying”
You nodded, waiting for him to corrupt you. That he would open your mouth and get the truth out. You were scared, but of what? Kai? or scared that you knew he knew? “What are you afraid of?” This made you feel lighter because it sounded a lot less callous than you imagined, but there were never good times. Many thoughts at the same time overwhelmed your mind, asking you the same question over and over again. And then Winter came to your mind and with her all the thoughts of love were welcomed. You could never love Winter the right way, there would always be an obstacle,a confusion, a belief, Kai. But was Kai really always the villain?
The villain would always be ourselves.
“Myself” You answered Kais question. His eyebrow raised at the confession, but not really satisfied.
“Are you afraid of yourself or are you afraid of love?” He whispered, and there it was. He knew and there was nothing to do about it, than to expose yourself.
“What do you mean by that?” You tried to act dumb.
“You like Winter” You trembled at the mention of Winter or that you in fact did like her. He stood up from his seat, breaking the contact and walking upstairs. Kai could use this information against you, twist the truth for his own will. The relationship you were starting to build with Winter would fall apart with a single word that left his lips. You haven't even talked to Winter nor anyone about being a lesbian.
“Do you like her?” He asked this time before leaving the basement entirely.
“She´s a girl” You whispered. “It isn't allowed” As you pronounce these words he left.
You stood up from your seat, and headed upstairs. You didn't know what to do next...Should you talk to Winter before Kai would? You found Winter sitting in the living room, her crystallized eyes watching the TV without being turned on. You imagined that Kai already told her, disguising the truth as if it didn't matter.
“Winter are you okay?” You asked, not really sure how to start. A lot of things that you wanted to say to her, but not a single word could describe how you truly felt. If you were confused about liking Winter, hearing it out loud made you feel confident and determined about your feelings. But in the end you didn't know how Winter feels about you. You didn't even know if Winter liked girls.
“Kai said something about you” She finally looked at you. “Is it true?” You walked over to her, hands shaking.
A romance wrapped around your heart, drawing lines on your stomach. You have never been so scared.
“Winter, i don't know what Kai ma-”
“No” She interrupted.
“What? Look, it's okay if you don't want to see me anymore, it's just that I'm scared because I don't know if people will accept me” You said as fast as you can. Letting the words lead the conversation as fast as possible.
“I think i may love you too” Her words were intimate, like the first flower to bloom in spring.
You stopped formulating your next words.
“What?”
“Forget it”
“No, i think i want to hear it again” You smiled to be really sure if this was a good thing. The living room was silent, tension in the air as many scenarios played in your mind. “Come on.” You continued. “You´ve been breaking me the whole night, this could mend me.”
A force making your legs, and spine shake making you stood frozen, but smiled. A genuine smile, something that hadn't happened in the whole day. The smile makes your cheeks grow fuller, making them fill with joy, and for the first time you lived in the present and it wasn't a distant hope. Both of you were happy. You could tell by the way Winter´s eyes glimmered.
“Fine,” Winter said slowly “,I like you. I think”
Silence.
Both of you frooze, not sure what to do. Was that a love confession? No, how did we get to love, it was only about liking.
And as fast as the first lightning strikes, announcing the rain, Winter got up from the couch and ran upstairs. You felt that she did not run, she escaped. With a pressure in your stomach you followed her to her room where she closed the door.
Winter strayed far from the door and you had only been scared of this one thing. Please let me in! No Winter refused to. You slid your back against the door, pleading and pleading not really sure when the tears started to spill, wanting to get in, even if it was only to say goodbye that would last forever.
“Let me in” You pleaded “Please”
Winter kept quiet. Her silence was almost as scary as the lightning. Her sighs were heavy, as she listened to you beg. Her throat crystallizing. She felt Kai's presence. It was always Kai.
He was like a nightmare tormenting the most comforting sweet dreams.
“I won't hurt you!” You continued.
“Are you alright?” Kai finally spoke.
“I'm fine, Kai”
“Let her in”
“No”
“Did she hurt you?”
“No” Winter said. “But she will”
“I won't!” You shouted, confused but not really surprised that Kai was in there.
“She wont” Continued Kai.
“We don't know that”
“We won't know unless you let her in”
Three seconds passed and the door opened. A cold breeze of silence was upon the three as you went in.
“I'm sorry, Winter” You went to her side grabbing her hand, uncomfortable by Kais presence.
He left the room, leaving them alone, with a smirk on his face, his plan just beginning.
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hollyhomburg · 3 years
Note
I'm fairly confused about this entire situation, honestly. I saw the original girl comment about whether or not she was entirely sure to feel comfortable on a page meant to do that exact thing. In my opinion (which is fairly confused atm), you were both in the wrong. Of course, you don't have to answer anything about your gender or whether or not you have certain body parts, I can definitely understand that! But the extra meanness was a bit uncalled for. They just didn't want to feel unsafe :/
Also, everyone deals with pain differently. Whether or not if it's something that seems a bit pushy or not. I feel for both sides of this weird miscommunication, I really do. I guess that's just my inner-understanding lol. So yeah, I feel for you! I know what it feels like to go through things that annoy you and cause disruption amongst your inner self, but my heart also goes out to the girl that was painted as a transphobe when all she wanted to do was feel was safe.
P.S, this was absolutely not coming from a place of anger! It is your choice whether to insult me or realize that people have different opinions; I will understand if either one is chosen! I wish you well, and if the girl is also reading this, I wish you well too and I really do hope that you get closure and understanding because I've also gone through something similar to what you have. It's so painful, but stay strong and you'll be able to say that you came out of it alive :)
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First off, I want you to know that the anger in the response is not directed at you the asker of this question. but at the person from last night. second, I’m probably not going to respond to any more asks on this topic, because I'm tired. 
okay so let me put it this way for you. you would not under any circumstances pull down Anyone's pants to check their genitals in public. right? or demand that they pull down their pants for you and expose themselves in a public way just so that you can make sure they don’t have a penis. 
The fact of the matter is that someone else's genitals are none of yours nor anyone else's business. And asking about this is not only violating and transphobic but also inappropriate. (I shouldn’t have to clarify that this is transphobic at this point. before you want to argue that- do your research, google is free).
what you seem to misunderstand is that transphobia is an act of aggression. to be transphobic is to cause trauma, to trigger, to be violent. this person asking me about my genitals was an act of violence. and I responded like it was one- with meanness that was called for because I felt hurt. because what they said was hurtful. 
as someone who has never felt safe in my entire life, both because of abuse, rape, and my identity- that doesn't give me a right to threaten someone elces safety because my safety demands it. each and all traumas are valid, and just because they wanted to feel safe on my page doesn't give them a right to take away my safety. especially because this is my page and my safe space that I have created with hours of uncompensated work. So no- they don't have a right to take away my safety and security for their own.  
asking on anon is also a little sus, they didn’t reach out through dm- which is how all things of a personal nature should be. they knew there was a possibility I would take it wrong and didn’t want to be blocked from my page. they feel entitled to my work and entitled to my body in the same way. i wont apologize for trying to preserve this page, and I won’t apologize for acting for matching their level of meanness. 
when you have trauma there are so many things that are triggering for other people that aren’t triggering for you. The real world doesn't come with specific trigger warnings and you have to eventually come to that conclusion with trauma, you will be triggered for no reason at one point, and its a sad fact but it will happen. 
for example- one of my triggers is piano music. to this day I can’t watch my favorite idol play piano because it is too much of a trigger to me. 
But I would NEVER insinuate that min yoongi needed to stop playing piano music just because at one point in my life my stalker would blast piano music outside my bedroom window at 3 am to keep me from sleeping for weeks at a time. or because I was constantly sleep deprived growing up because he wouldn’t let me sleep- my triggers and my reality are irrelevant to min yoongi enjoying the thing he enjoys, just like that person’s trauma is irrelevant to my own. It would be mean and uncalled for me to demand he stops doing something he loves just because it's a trigger for me. People will exist outside of your trauma and that's okay.  
(tw; rape) I’ve been rapped by three men in my life. One was a frat boy in college who I woke up to telling me my hole was bleeding and wanted me to leave because I was getting it all over his sheets. another was a old man, it happened when I was so little that I barely remember it and honestly, all I remember is how much it hurt and how dirty his hands were, he had a lot of dirt under his nails and I remember thinking ‘i don't think that should go inside me’ as a fucking 5-year-old
And the third, was three years ago when an American gi rapped me in hongdae, South Korea, I met him at a bar called mikes cabin. I wasn’t a perfect victim, i’d just had a fight with my soulmate and I went out looking for trouble and I found it. but after I changed my mind he didn’t care, he shoved his dick in my ass without my consent. I bled all over his sheets too. choked on the blood coming out my nose after he slapped me. i remember he shoved his phone in my face to take pictures. somewhere out there there are pictures of me getting raped and I don’t even know where they are or how many people have seen them. 
I don't even know his name only that he had a rose tattoo over his heart. my deadnames middle name is rose. My mom calls me ‘rosebud’ or ‘rosie’ more than my dead name. is it a trigger for me? yes. it is. of course, it is. how could it not be?  
I’ve been raped. i know what they’ve gone through, I know where their pain comes from but my pain is valid too. my genitals could be a trigger to that anon, but defining them in a binary of woman and man is a trigger for me. I am a person and they are a person and both of our triggers are equally valid. but this is my place. this is my expression. 
so why did I act meanly? first off. they violated me by asking me invasive questions and demanded a response. and then secondly; when I asked them not to and told them no- they invalidated my consent and my trauma. then thirdly- they misgendered me- fully committing to being a transphobe. that's why I was mean- because they were mean first.  
this is the only time I’ll explain why I was justified. I hope they get closure too- but their closure isn’t going to come from violence against me or any other trans person. one day that person is probably going to meet a trans woman, and I hope they know better than to call them a boy just because they have a penis. trans people aren’t your punching bags for your trauma. 
trauma doesn't give you the excuse to be a transphobe, no matter what happened to you. you have to learn to treat others with dignity and respect no matter their gender identity or how they trigger you. Because people can’t control what parts of themselves are triggering to you. 
This is the last I’ll talk about this. I'm gonna delete all the other asks asking me about this. I’m not going to talk about it anymore. if you can’t understand why what they did was bad, get off my page. I don’t want you here. 
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