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lifelifeadore · 1 year

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Chang Noi Thai Restaurant

#chang noi #thai food #chiangmai #gourmet kyoto #sugiyama #hair salon #kyoto japan #life/life adore

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andthebeanstalk · 11 months

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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

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skullndaisy · 2 years

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Betrayal.

(click for better quality)

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doghowto · 24 days

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Husky refuses to believe he can't have crab rangoon. 🦀 Follow me for more dogs that think every meal's for them!

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tanoraqui · 1 year

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it has occurred to me, as I age, that most people did not spend their childhoods getting simplified breakdowns of class-action lawsuits explained to them over dinner at least once a week

#treva does real life #in retrospect it no doubt heavily contributes to my #adoration of media which depicts regular bureaucratic govt processes

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bluegiragi · 11 months

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a pretty dream.

early access + nsfw art on patreon

#so ive been playing rdr2 recently #the games been out for what like 4-5 years now? and im just getting to it? yes #these cowboys have ruined my life #i adore you arthur morgan #arthur morgan #rdr2 #dutch van der linde #micah bell #giragi art #comics

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mizgnomer · 9 months

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Interviewer: [Because there's a Doctor Who reference in Good Omens], does that mean David Tennant, the actor, exists in the Good Omens universe?

David Tennant and Michael Sheen discuss Doctor Who in the Good Omens Universe (and good Doctors)

Source [ comicbook.com ]

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aesthetic-uni · 1 year

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Misha Collins is the funniest straight man ever. He’s the only person to arguably queerbait in real life. He had to come out as a straight. He was told by WB to just stay bisexual. He’s living every homophobe’s nightmare scenario but the only difference is that everyone actually loves it for him

#misha collins #also don’t argue about me about the queerbait thing I know he didn’t it’s just a fucking joke #anyway back to the funny #more straight people should honestly be like him #keep ‘em on their toes #or something #I know nothing about this man or supernatural #but I adore him #have y’all seen his feud on Tiktok with icaruspendragon?#btw someone should check on her #but it’s hilarious #I hope he loves the rest of his life by just adding fuel to the fire that is his life

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scribbleshanks · 5 months

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