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honey-milk-depresso · 3 months

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Batfam x reader going to an escape room

Gesus I went insane from this, I was too lazy to do Babs and Bruce I’m sorry- 😭😭

***S/o is above 18, which means characters below are also aged up!

Batfam x S/o VS Escape Rooms

Dick Grayson

God forbid you bring him to a horror-themed escape room. He can fight Joker, Slade, almost get killed like three days a week but he’s scared of them nasty ass sound effects when you unlock a clue and begin jumping on you while screaming until he stops and goes “oh hey, a clue-”

Sometimes keep pointing at the wrong kinds of clues. Like the ones that have the sticker label that says “NOT PART OF ROOM” and can still ask, “is this a clue???”

If you’re scared, both of you can cling together although both of you would push each other to try to punch in the coordinates because you fear the whacky effects this escape room offers.

He will, however, do everything you tell him when trying to solve puzzles. Dick will sacrifice all his loud sound fear and do it for you. Otherwise if you’re brave enough (magically) he’ll just look from behind and clap with amazement.

Whether you two escape or not… usually not. You guys get stuck there most of the time although he wouldn’t be so jumpy and can focus if you two pick a non-horror-themed escape room. You two still had fun though and that’s all that matters. <3

Jason Todd

I felt like he might’ve destroyed the props inside the room out of frustration. Horror themed or not, this man can get frustrated over puzzles he’s failing at. Like one time this man was punching in possible combinations as stated in the piece of paper you two found (miraculously) that had a riddle to the password of the lock the two of you were trying to open and ends up breaking the lock with his bare hands out of frustration that the host had to rush in after catching all that on camera.

He keeps complaining, “that shit is more nonsensical than Riddler’s riddles, goddamnit!” He just wants to win and get out of here with you. That’s the whole POINT.

The one who keeps making sarcastic jokes about all the clues like “this guy puts ‘DEATH’ as the password, how original”, “wow. Who could’ve guessed the VAMPIRE out of the three options where the two others are HUMANS is the killer. Incredible.” You’ll never here the end of it-

If you’re scared, he’ll hold you closer to him (while he slowly loses his shit to colour coordinated buttons) and secretly likes how you cling to him if you are scared. If not, he’s appreciative you try to calm him down and help him stay focus.

You two would sometimes get out, sometimes not successfully, but all the time you’d usually get a bill to pay for the damaged props. Couple goals. <3

Tim Drake

He is full on lock mode INTO this escape room game. By this point, you two are just speed-running through this to get out and win.

Tim is a detective with an IQ of 142 after all, so most of the escape rooms are just easy for him that you complain isn’t fun anymore. Thus, you two go for the really hard ones and I mean those REALLY hard ones like “The Caretaker” kinda with a 1.5% success rate THEN would things get interesting.

Tim likes a challenge, and he gets even more determined to be successful in escaping. He’s not scared of the props, even in horror-themed because he’s super driven to win. If you get scared of horror-themed, and even more terrifying is that it has such a low success rate he’s still by your side trying to reassure you while trying to solve the clues to get the both of you to the next section. Most of the time, you two get out. He gets super salty if he was about to key in the code to get out but just that split second he ran out of time and the both you didn’t get out. Kiss his cheek so he’ll completely forget being salty and more red-faced. <3

Damian Wayne

Like Jason, might’ve break a few props in the process of being frustrated. He’s laser focused in winning and escaping, it’s just that he’s frustration bubbles up easily in an escape room when he come across a particularly challenging roadblock he might push away his rationality and break the lock with his bare hands like Jason (dude how??).

He’s not scared of escape rooms, and maybe for the cheaper ones he’ll think are lame: commenting on how fake the blood is or how plastic-y the skull is with his bad painting. If you’re scared though, he’s silently celebrating the fact he gets to hold you close all while having a straight face.

Inside, his brain is yelling “YESSSSSSS- THANK YOU LORD FOR LETTING ME HOLD THEM IN MY ARMS AND-”

Yeah- pretty much just sums up the most chaotic experience for you or at least, whatever goes on his head.

Usually would get out with him, although sometimes you two would find a bill to pay for broken props but it’s not as bad as Jason’s count so don’t worry. <3

Duke Thomas

He’s pretty good at escaping actually. Well, he’s not as fast as Tim, but if given an hour on an average escape room, Duke can get out with you in maybe 50 minutes flat.

Of course, he’s not gonna try escaping an escape room with a success rate of 1.5% like Tim is, he knows his limits.

Has fun in horror and non-horror themed escape rooms alike. He’s mildly scared of the horror ones, maybe just be slightly jumpy but he won’t scream hysterically or anything. He’ll probably laugh it off and focus on figuring out the clues.

Maybe throw in a joke or two like, “wow, this guy just gives us the password through people’s surnames that are all colour names. If only it was that easy in stakeout mission-”

If you’re scared, he’s there for you and reminds you it’s fake. You’re not gonna die here (because this isn’t a twisted kind of escape room set up by Joker or anything like that, it’s an entertainment one so it’s okay-) and is pretty chill about the whole thing.

Pretty high success rate to escape for most escape rooms and definitely a lot of fun with him even if you guys fail! <3

Cassandra Cain

Also pretty high success rate of getting out of your average escape room, but she also might be another one to break the props but usually by accident.

She might be a little frustrated rattling with the locker and wondering what other possible the lock combination could work when she accidentally uses her strength and kinda… breaks the lock by accident. The two of you would look at each other as Cass slowly just… puts the lock away and gets to the next clue while the two of you act like nothing happened.

Very calm and collected and she’s just unfazed with the horror-themed escape rooms. She’s seen far worse and in fact, she thinks the horror-themed ones are fun that she’s seen smiling more while solving each clue.

If you’re scared of the props, she tried to reassure you they’re face by showing the blood is fake and the skulls are fake (and then accidentally breaks them somehow or drops the fake blood on the floor-) as she tried to reassure you.

Overall, 10/10 good time with Cass. <3

Stephanie Brown

Okay so… she’s focused, yes, but she takes a really long time to think. Just a tad bit. Might be like Dick: points to the prop that has a “NOT PART OF ESCAPE ROOM” label and goes “is this a clue???”

She’s trying, she really is. Has a pretty normal chance of escaping with you but usually with only 5 minutes left or less. I think the most insane one was when you and her finally broke out on the dot when one hour was over and it was time’s up. The host was just doing that white guy blinking meme thing and was like- “huh- okay-”

She’s kinda jumpy in horror-themed escape rooms, but she’s not like Dick to scream her lungs out. Maybe just let out a yelp or “HOLY SHI—” out loud and be like “goddamnit” when she quickly recovers.

If you’re scared, it’s okay she’s got you! Even if she’s a bit startled in the beginning, she’ll be your (mostly) knight in shining armour!

She jokes a lot about the props around like: “Lmao, this goofy horse painting’s like Jason”, “Why the skull look so poorly painted on the eyes”, “What is with that silly sounding witch laugh, lmao” to lighten up the mood.

Funny times with Steph in there so 10/10. <3

Reblogs help! ^^

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pupyuj · 3 months

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im ngl overstimulated yujin has me stuttering

combining these two asks cuz why not! anyways atp i’m looking like i genuinely believe yujin has a dick bcs i almost never write about yuj w a cooch anymore (yuj cooch enthusiasts i will deliver soon do NAWT worry) but listen … she does have a dick and i know bcs she’s constantly slamming it inside m—[STATIC]

(p.s. i think it’s way too obvious that i enjoyed this a lot pls i loooveee yujin sm don’t look at me like thatttt)

we all agree that yujin has crazy stamina and even if she’s exhausted, the feeling of being inside you is just too good that she never really pulls out after the two of you finish :(( if she could, baby would be inside you all the time really! you always wondered how much yujin could take before she’s crying and pleading for mercy… it’s about time that you’re the one who has her whimpering and getting all limp after all! 😵‍💫

binding her to a soft, comfortable chair and letting her keep at least her shirt on bcs you’re not gonna lie, your shirt looked way too good on her 😍 you’d start slow with a cute little handjob and for a while it’d look like just another friday night of good fucking for the two of you but yujin notices what you were up to when she was three orgasms deep and you still haven’t taken her dick down your throat or inside you! i’d love to think that she’d start squirming! yuj is used to being the one who does all the teasing and the cruel ‘make her cry all night by pulling eight orgasms out of her in a matter of an hour’ game—not the other way around!

baby’s never been overstimulated… a part of her would be excited, but mostly she’d be terrified bcs what if she embarrasses herself! :(( her pride wouldn’t let her go down without a fight.. she’d try to get control but you wouldn’t budge of course.. this was a once in a blue moon opportunity! you have to see yujin beg helplessly for you to stop 🥺🥺

“hm.. don’t dry out so quick, baby… you still have to fill me up, remember?” you’d whisper in her ear while tears well up in her eyes after her sixth orgasm 🫣 her legs shaking, dick twitching in your hand… i love to think about how she’d bite her lip to not be too loud but ending up failing and cutting her lip on the process oh the poor girl 💔 kissing down her neck and whispering the nastiest, most degrading things in her while you gear her up for another climax… yujin really doesn’t know if she should be turned on or humiliated but either way, one of those feelings was the one making her cum so—

ah it’d be soooo messy too?:!;!/&,& your entire hand would be drenched with her cum and every time you lick it up it only makes yujin’s dick go stiff again,, it’s impressive really! how she’s still able to keep cumming so much 😵‍💫 “good puppy, you just know what mommy wants from you, huh?” oh yujinnie would go insane 🤤🤤 you’d think she’d start resisting and acting all bratty but nooo puppy loves to get praised! sure she hated the humiliating aspect of it all (…or did she?) but one “good girl” and her brain just goes all dumb for you 🥺💕

seeing her pretty, shiny eyes all glossed up with tears once you decided to have a taste of her cum directly from the source… god you’d only have her tip in your mouth and she’d already be thrashing around and shaking her head bcs yujinnie was so sensitive at that point :(( sobbing pathetically and moaning at the pleasure at the same time.. loving how she was so obviously torn between wanting to break free of her restraints to stop you or to finish what you started and fuck you to oblivion… yujinnie will get her fun later but right now, it was time for yours 🥰

taking in all of her dick down your throat in one fell swoop and yujin’s screaming in the air with her eyes nearly rolled back 😵‍💫 ugh the sight of her dick disappearing inside your mouth flawlessy every now and again only made things worse.. she has to fuck you and breed you until she was empty :(( it wouldn’t take long for her to cum again.. but at least this time not a drop was wasted! you made sure to swallow it all, just how she liked to see it 🤭 it would be her eleventh orgasm and poor puppy would be so tired ☹️ chest heaving up and down, sobbing softly while still struggling to break free… and now you feel bad! 😔

“i know, baby.. sorry i went overboard, i know…” you’d whisper while spooning her on your bed, making up for all your meanness with your awesome aftercare 🥺 yujinnie would be so cute all cuddled up to your side, face buried in your chest where it was warm… and you’d think that she would be too tired to even keep her eyes open but nope! the second you let down your guard, yujin would be rolling on top of you and pinnjng your hands above your head, grinning down at you like the sick pervert that was 🤭🤭

“your turn. make daddy happy now.”

don’t you just love switches?? 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

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reds-writings · 3 months

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if only tonight we could sleep?

the dora lange case had come to a close...but was it really ever over?

(pairing: rust cohle x fem!reader)

a/n: inspired by getting lost in the sound of the cure's kiss me, kiss me, kiss me album. this is set somewhere in the same world of jealousy, jealousy!. your feedback, as always, is greatly treasured!

word count: around 2.6k

warnings: angst, canon-typical death (mentions of what happens at the Ledoux shootout), nudity (showering together!), cursing, dread, etc (minors go away)

----

The Dora Lange case had finally been closed once and for all. All the bullshit and danger that had accumulated over all these weeks could finally cease to continue. You’re sure that even within the next twenty something odd years or so when all of this would be well blown over and buried you would never be able to truly process the fucked up-ness of it all.

Your mind was thoroughly numb and all of your limbs ached to no end. You could feel everything you’d endured catching up to you as your body finally allowed itself to let go. Adrenaline and sheer will had been what kept you from fully crumbling during the case’s most crucial and final moments. The shit Rust and Marty decided to pull with that druggie Ginger had already left you worse for wear. Discovering Ledoux and the horrors that were transpiring in that shithole was something you couldn’t let yourself dwell on for too long lest you wanted to find yourself having a complete mental breakdown. Bodies and skulls being blown to bits right in front of you. The sight of rich blood and scattered brain matter sprayed to stain onto your boots. Finding those kids like that…you’d never get over it. One was sentenced to a life of trauma that left her catatonic and the other one deceased. You’d had the naive thought more than once telling you if only we'd all been a bit quicker…

But there was no point in dwelling on all the ifs and maybes. That was a guaranteed one-way ticket to self-induced insanity.

You should feel relief that this is over. The weight of one of the many atrocities committed in the world removed from your down-trodden shoulders. Solved. A monster taken down and put into the earth where he couldn’t return to cause more strife. Why couldn't it feel over? Where was the relief?

You didn’t know much of what Rust and Marty felt on the matter, too busy dealing with keeping your stories straight on just how you all had come across Ledoux’s hideout instead of finding the time to have a heart-to-heart on how much this might’ve permanently screwed with your heads for ages to come. You knew well enough that ending the case like this wasn’t easy for either of them given their respective standpoints when it came to kids. Marty discovered those children and both men had carried them back. Rust had shouldered the burden of carrying that poor boy. A small choice of action that had your heart twisting even more painfully than you thought it already had during it all. The Texan could go on and on about the world being shit and there being no control over the horrors one would be put through trying to live life but you found that it was he who tried the hardest to shield others from said pain and horror whether he was aware of it or not. He cared a lot more about the human race than he let on but it would be more than ineffectual trying to convince him of that particular truth.

Things with Rust had been all over the place since the fiasco of a night you had after the bar as well as any event that followed afterwards: surprise, surprise. The time you’d initially aimed for to really sit down and decipher where it was exactly you saw the two of you headed had found itself slipping away at every possible chance. Neither of you was to necessarily blame, as the nature of your work was in constant demand of your full attention, but that didn't make it any less frustrating.

You guys weren’t even truly anything yet and it was already this arduous. What kind of shelf-life did a pairing such as this really have down the line? It was more than likely that acting on any idea of pursuing Rust romantically was destined to never end in your favor. He was your coworker for Christ’s sake. Yes, there was no one else who could probably understand what it is you go through like each other but it was harder to separate other crueler aspects of your lives as well. Everything would get in the way of professionalism. It already had when it came to the showdown with Ginger.

Trying not to let your thoughts go down the usual Rust rabbit hole it found itself in you decided that you’d take the longest and hottest shower you hadn’t had the luxury of taking in weeks. Any extra time you had lately was reserved for quick and cold rinses to keep yourself up and at 'em’. Relaxation in any sense of the word was hard to adjust to after long stretches of work such as these. It was like your body had forgotten how to just be. Nothing was chasing you and there was no clock ticking over your shoulder to mock you that time to get shit done was running out. The empty quiet that followed would never not be unnerving to you. You had nowhere to be and nothing to do.

Where was the fucking relief?

With a huff, you set aside the jack and coke you’d been cradling out on your front porch in the dwindling evening light. The air was more balmy than the stifling hot you’d experienced day in and day out though your skin still held that essence of a humid dew that kept your hair and clothes sticking to you like a second skin. Dusting off your pants you made way to get on up from your depressing reverie only to find the outline of a familiarly limber figure at the end of your driveway. How the hell hadn’t you heard him pull up?

“Are you gonna stand there like a regular ol’ weirdo or get up here?” You feigned nonchalance at his sudden presence but your heart told another story with the quickening pace it decided to adopt.

Wordlessly, Rust ventured his way up the pathway and onto your shabby porch. He eyed the abandoned drink you had by your side so you offered it up to him. He loosened the tie around his neck and undid the first two buttons of his dress shirt before accepting the silent offering. It took two long gulps before the glass was drained.

There was a heavy silence for longer than what was comfortable. Where could you even start? You didn’t want to catch yourself in an awkward fumble trying to gauge what it was he exactly needed from you as it was clear there was a purpose in him showing up without a warning. The set of his posture made it seem like he was curling in on himself more and more by the minute. He couldn’t bring himself to look you in the eye, fearful that it would be his complete undoing. This visible deflation in action made you feel panicked for not knowing what assistance you could offer without having him pull away.

“...D’ya wanna talk about it?”

Rust shook his head softly as if in a daze. His eyes growing glassy and increasingly distant while he stared at your porch’s floorboards.

At a loss, you cleared your throat shakily, “Well I was just about to hop in the shower. You can come inside…hang around if you want. We don’t have to talk or nothin’...o-or we can if that’s what you wanna end up doin’ after havin’ some quiet.”

No reply.

“Well, there’s beers and whatnot in the fridge if you choose. Don’t be shy to helpin’ yourself.” You got up and squeezed his hand gently, warm and calloused like you’d been dreaming about since they held you. That already felt like ages ago. He still made no move.

“I’m here.” Was all you could say and with that, you loosened your grip and headed on inside then upstairs to your bathroom. After setting out some comfy clothes and shedding out of the day’s stiff attire for all the press work that entailed you waited for the shower to reach its desired heat. The person looking back at you in your steadily fogging mirror was almost unrecognizable. Bruises from recent incidents had barely begun to make their way towards the fading process. Skin so sullen and hair even duller. When had you started to look so tired? This beaten down? You felt sorry for anyone who had the displeasure of viewing your walking corpse as of late.

The spray of the showerhead above you was nothing short of heavenly. Any pain and misery melted away to be forever cast down into the depths of the tub’s drain. Your bones felt like lead as you let yourself stand there, waiting to gain the sense of motivation to start washing yourself clean. It could’ve been ten minutes or even ten hours before the sound of the bathroom door clicking ajar had you opening your eyes. The silhouette of the cause of your heart’s aching and beating stood beyond the fogged glass as if at a loss of what to make himself do next. You said nothing, not wanting him to feel as if he was unwanted or on the other hand forced to join you. To expose himself beyond what a casual act of nudity could display already.

It was another elongated moment before you heard the clink of a belt and the rustle of clothes being discarded. You were so far gone that it hadn’t occurred to you he was about to see you at your most vulnerable. He’d witnessed you at some of your lowest, shittiest points but this was crossing into an entirely new territory.

And yet you didn’t feel as scared as you thought you would. You didn’t find Rust to be as judgemental about the physical as he was about the metaphysical.

The shower’s sliding door worked its way open and you didn’t turn around until a few moments after it had closed. The look on his face was similar to the one you’d been subjected to all those weeks ago after the bar. One of true fear. Fear of being seen at his very core. Open and raw. Fear that you’d take this all in and decide to turn him away in disgust or disinterest. Rust’s eyes didn’t wander down any further than your face. He wasn’t here out of primal desire. He needed something…someone…you to help him hold himself together for just this moment. Any and all strength he usually had keeping him upright had escaped him after the weight of everything finally penetrated his psyche.

You found your hand making its way up to his face, tracing dampening tendrils out of his line of sight before cupping his jaw. That empty blue fluttered closed, giving himself a moment or two before completely relinquishing himself to your gentle touch. Your other hand met the other side of his face before you leaned forward to touch your forehead to his. The downfall of water in the small cubicle drowned out any other possible thoughts or worries that could’ve been had in the current moment. There was nothing and no one else that mattered.

One kiss to his nose, then his chin, and finally his trembling lips had large palms come up to rest on the supple flesh of your hips, steadily gripping you as if you’d float away from him. You separated for a moment as his hands traveled up to clutch at your back. Before he could bring you closer you kissed him gently once more before succumbing to his grasp. Settling with leaving barely-there imprints of your mouth on the expansive skin of his chest and neck, your own hands brought themselves up to return his embrace. You felt the soft press of a peck linger on the side of your head as his grip grew a bit tighter. Seconds passed until the subtle shaking of broad shoulders had you clinging to him impossibly tighter. His sobs were not all that audible but the shuddering breaths he’d take in every now and then were more than enough to clue you in on just how much he was hurting. Tears began to burn behind your own eyes as your pain melded with his.

Here you were, just two broken people who gave up all notions of stoicism to completely and utterly crumble in front of each other. Fully at each other’s undeniable mercy.

- - - -

You didn’t know how much more time had passed after holding each other but as the water began to grow more frigid you made haste to help each other wash up. You both stepped out so you could wrap yourself in your own towel before making your way to your linen closet to fetch him one as well as to not have him left wet and cold for too long. With your mind a bit clearer from the emotional release experienced, you finally came to realize the presence of the exceptionally athletic physique in front of you. He seemed to be in the same state of appreciation towards you and you caught yourself feeling hot in the face as you clumsily thrust a towel in his direction.

“You don’t have to be shy in front of me.” His voice sounded raw from lack of use. The first words he’d uttered since he’d come here.

You tucked a wet piece of hair behind your ear, trying to casually meet his stare, “I know. Just didn’t expect us to end up here when you showed up is all. It’s just catchin’ up to me…” The pinch of your chin between long fingers drew you to kiss him again.

“You’re everythin'...and then some.”

You fought a self-deprecating scoff but he said it as if it were the most simplest fact in the world. You had no choice but to believe him.

“Let’s just find you some clothes. I am in dire need of one looong hibernation after everythin’. You too, mister.” You flicked his chest then slinked out of the bathroom. You finished any of the necessary preparations for bed by the time he had wandered into your room. The window you cracked open let in a gentle breeze while the warm glow of the few candles that had been lit danced in the haven you created. Whether you wanted a form of light for the sake of your own comfort or it being done out of some subconsciously innate need to keep Rust out of the dark for the night, you didn’t care to unpack.

Climbing into bed once and for all, you lay facing each other. Letting peace and stillness settle in.

“We did it y’know…it’s over. We can be okay.” You couldn’t help but say. Feeling the need to find something to reaffirm the so-called fact that should’ve been comforting at the end of all this. Anything to soothe underlying anxiety as the heavy shadow of the unknown and incomplete loomed over you. It should’ve been over but Ledoux was but a small piece to a hugely fragmented puzzle. Both of you knew it deep down but hadn’t the strength to confirm it out loud. Afraid to shatter this sense of temporary false security.

This was far from being done and dealt with. From being fully uncovered.

Rust didn’t say anything else as he pulled you into the warmth of his chest. Caging you in with no choice but to surrender to the silent feeling of safety he was trying to provide you. You could only pray that the two of you could make it through anything as you both found yourselves victims to the passing of time and any other trials it had ready for you.

Especially with whatever was waiting for you on the other side of Carcosa.

----

a/n: ahhhh! hurt/comfort is always a guilty pleasure. sorry for the immense dread at the end. i'm thinking of cooking up another fic that draws back to what exactly went down with our trio and ginger if that's something of interest to you all! thanks for reading!

#reds-writings #rust cohle #true detective season 1 #rust cohle imagine #rust cohle x reader #true detective imagine #matthew mcconaughey #true detective

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i4oba · 27 days

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cassiopeia — njm.

jaemin & fem!reader ✰ soulmate!au

genre: angst?

summary: fate has its own little games, but giving only twenty-four hours is by far the most cruel of them all. and you have to endure that in every life of yours.

warnings: mention’s of death, major character’s death, a few cuss words??, it’s a bit angsty and has some suggestive themes somewhere in the middle :) .. but ofc it was written in flowery language so it’s not that bad! also it’s not proofread, sorry :,( … although it was written like 2 and a half years ago.. eheh SORRY IM STUPIDD

word count: 5k

author’s note: i originally wrote this story in my native language, which made it harder to tell it in english as well.. english isn’t capable of capturing my metaphors!!!! i hate it here!!!!! i sound stupid in english!!!!!!!! >:(

and no matter how many times have you been staring at the night sky, even hundreds of stars weren’t able to show you the right directions. no matter how diligent you were on finding those constellations, recognizing them wasn’t enough to make you less lost in the vast world of ours. you could have done anything as you were lying down on the freshly mowed grass, looking at those stars, alligned even, which you two had always been mentioning over the time — the feeling of emptiness wouldn’t go away. as you focused on the stars and how bright they were glowing, your arms stretched out in hopes of being able to touch them: everything became even more painful. and as your fingers were dancing in the air, from one star to another, your eyes teared up and your mind was screaming only one thing: enough. it was all enough. since you hated this with your whole existence. and the cassiopeia was reminding you of this constantly;

you have never been able to decide whether remembering is worse or forgetting. you would have loved to experience both at least once, but fate gave you a different card. one, which you carefully choose from the big card house, telling you something: your curse is remembering. and as you hold that little card in your hands, glaring at the crimson coloured letters, you feel like screaming all of your bottled up anger out every time. you always feel like protesting against fate, you want to say and do otherwise but were you ever in a place to do so? you have never had the chance. thus you learnt how to bear with it, what else was there to do? getting into a fight with the fates who were so focused on directing your life, having an evil smile on their faces as they were slowly cutting the thread of that person’s life, who was the sole reason you could stay sane? would you have stolen those old and rusty scissors from their hands, putting a dot after their history of standing so tall, being placed higher in the invisible hierarchy between people and them? would you have given some more time to you two? would you have changed past, present and future?

all of it is just a wandering thought which crosses your mind frequently through your days as you live your boring life. you spend every day with planning out your dirty little revenge, and end it with the conclusion: you’re unable to do it. admitting it felt like losing a game against something you could not even see. and this uncertainity put you in a state of something close to insanity through every life you have lived as the time has passed.

through these lives, you have experienced so many things but the worst part was always those twenty-four hours, which was completed with more and more tears and pain as the centuries passed. in the first lifespan you were pretty much naive, hopeful and happy, that twenty-four hour only made you confused. you could not process what was happening. but later on, you figured it out, having to accept the misery that came with it. you could understand why all of this is such a big sacrifice. in your fourth life have you cried first and you can still feel the fingers wiping your hot tears away, the ice cold feeling of them leaving an unforgettable trace on your skin. to this day, you still vividly remember that moment and feeling how trying hard was never enough, and the bittersweet taste lingering in your mouth has slowly started to fade away. it has become meaningless. harsh and almost so cruel.

but you still didn’t know which one is worse: being the one who forgets or remembering everything so vividly.

jaemin will never be able to comprehend this. after all, he didn’t have to live those grey lives which was coordinated by the suffocating feeling of trying to reach solutions and having to give up. after all, he wasn’t the one who had to watch his loved one’s death over and over again and he wasn’t the one either who had to carry the weight of the pain this caused. since he got the card of forgetting, which was followed by one single thing since gambling with the ones from above is not that clear and easy as we all think it is.

and the price did not only made his life worse, it controlled yours as well.

the first time you have heard the definiton of a “soulmate”, you were halfway through your sixth life. back then, even saying the word felt so strange but as you said it out loud more and more, having the thought of it in your mind constantly, it made you realize something: you and jaemin are the best, exact example of those said soulmates. but inside a horrible cage you weren’t able to leave. it had the feeling of a really bad book which was written by a prestigious author who had a really evil side to their personality. you could even imagine his pen scratching the paper, completed with the blue ink which allegorically wrote the story of you two. a terrible fairy tale that people use to scare their children, saying that this is going to be their fate if they misbehave. and as one of them, you would have believed their words. you would have been terrified. you were in fact scared, that cannot be denied.

on top of that, you had to live in this story, through so many years. no matter how many times you were praying, down on your knees, waiting for it to reach its end, you did not get what you wanted. and you have always felt like it wasn’t fair. ruthlessness transcending through lives which your friends didn’t have to experience. you had hundreds of them but somehow they were lucky. you were counting down the hours, the minutes and even the seconds as if it was like a test, but they always failed. they were able to not get lost in the maze of fate that trapped you and jaemin inside. they were special, all of them.

or were you two the special ones?

you were completely sure about your answer: no. although the thought of being the “chosen ones” has crossed your mind before, as if you two were something like a transcendent, but as years passed, along with centuries and lives, you could only figure one thing: you will never be fully happy. happiness is relative anyway, something you can’t put your hands on, it’s everything around us and everything that’s not at the same time. it seems so far away from you at moments, but on other days it’s so close you could reach it easily but no one could really define what it really is. it’s different in everyone’s lives, the way it becomes the same with many different things, varying on the person. even the sound of the word was music to the ears even if they didn’t know what it is exactly. everyone gets to know it along their journey, their lifetime and they may be lucky to being able to put their fingers on it, they can feel it and they can drag it with themselves.

for you, happiness was the same as those twenty-four hours that guided you through your lives. that small amount of time that you were keen on finding as soon as possible, putting everything on the line. which meant everything and nothing at the same time. and the thought of this was always able to bring some light into your rather bitter life, where the shadows grew too huge, close to consume you completely.

just like in your present life. which, of course isn’t really that bad, it is one of the best ones, to be quite honest but the emptiness inside of you was quite like a dark hole. it made you hopeless even though you had a goal. one that was so dear to you, saint even, which you could have tried to explain to anyone, none of them would have understood it. everyone thought you’re crazy and that you need therapy. even if the last one was true, you knew you’re going to eventually find jaemin, may it be on a rainy day in a bus stop, in a diner’s silent corner or in the university you’re currently attending.

but no. none of these were correct. every time you went to these places, fate was trickier than you would have thought and this was well-known to you.

you had to face this in a newly opened museum which had the slogan, “only miracles are awaiting here”.

how true this was… a real miracle.

as you walked from rooms to the others, all alone, somehow all thoughts left your mind. as if it was the cure, the new atmosphere and the exhibition, as if running back into the past had an effect similar to a band aid. it could get its job done for a while but sooner or later, it would give up as well. just like every solution you had tried out in the past years. nothing was permanent and there was no guarantee.

while you were staring at those paintings, listening to other people’s excited conversations, all you could think of was the loneliness. shivers went down your spine, the consonants following the vowels, creating something so new and so negative. the word you hated the most. and the word that was the title of the oil painting in front of you, seemingly too perfect for the symbolic work of art. a bad feeling took over you. you paid one last look to the framed beauty, glaring at the darkness and the pitch black shadows. after that, you left the room. the heavy atmosphere and the pictures of nightmare.

that’s when you entered the smallest exhibition hall where only a piece of paper was shown. it was protected with thick glass, making you wonder why is it such a big deal. why would they keep an old, yellow paper where the words were probably blurred together in the exhibition? it is supposed to be in the archives anyway, or does it not? putting these thoughts aside, you took a few steps closer to the “artwork”, eyebrows raised as curiosty took over you.

“love letter from the eighteenth century” was written on the little description, so you bent down a little to take a better look and maybe figure out why it was so special. and staring at those two papers which turned brown in the past years, the big realisation hit you: it was your letter. you wrote it. becoming aware of this fact made you froze in an instant, only being able to read the text filled with beautifully written cursive over and over again. and then you looked up, only to meet with a pair of eyes through the glass.

the person you wrote the letter for.

looking at him with the barrier between you two, suddenly you didn’t know what to do. seeing his face, his beautiful smile, it felt like someone gave you some extra energy. before your brain could have reacted to all of this, your legs took the control, running to him. you hugged him, melting into his touch, trying to embrace his fragrance, hoping that it will linger a little longer in your nose and mind as well. you didn’t want to believe this. nor what was coming next, alongside with the reunion.

“sorry for being late” he whispered while he stroked your hair carefully, arms tight around you. as if the moment was going on forever, it made you forget about everything. it made you feel glad. your own little happiness has found you again. but it cannot stay so long.

“i could wait thousands of years for you, jaemin” you told him truthfully, eyes searching for his. you hugged him once again. you couldn’t get enough of his hugs. “there are so many things we have to discuss, i literally… don’t even know where to start” you intertwined your fingers and dragged him with you, him simply letting you do so. since he knew: you have been waiting for this moment to come for so long. this is why you were suffering for years on end. but before you could have leave the basement, he set a timer.

for twenty-four hours.

“and how was… basically everything so far?” you asked jaemin who was picking at the food in front of him, not having the courage to look at you.

“not that nice” he replied and you heard his voice being a little hesitant. “but hey, at least i don’t have to bear it anymore!” he tried to joke about the situation but your worried glance told him to stop. don’t do it. it’s not funny.

“i really have to apologize for not finding you soon enough.”

“no, please, don’t. you should never blame yourself” he reached out for your hands, stroking it with his thumbs carefully. “it’s not your fault. neither mine. it’s just a bad joke of those who think they are above us. we cannot do anything about that.”

“and neither against it…”

“look, y/n” jaemin cleared his throat before continuing. “in these rather short lives of mine, i figured out something. fate cannot be rewritten nor changed. everything’s going to happen like it was decided before. just imagine a big book that’s made by gods. our story is just one part of that great book which consists of other many tales, millions of them. we are too small and worthless to add to our story, we can’t complete it however we would love to. that’s their job to do. they are the only ones that are able to erase things and make something new out of them. they are everything we have and we are nothing more than a small piece of the big picture to them.”

“we’re only just marionettes which they can play with whenever they want to” you added mumbling quietly. jaemin was chewing on his lips while he nodded. eventhough admitting it hurts, your words meant the truth.

you two were only mere props in the endless play with the name of “the cycle of life”.

“but hey, no need to be sad!” he wiped the tears aways as soon as he spotted one crossing your face in a fast pace. “we should enjoy this day so we could annoy the gods! are you in?” he stood up, grabbing your hands carefully. and you gave in. what else would you have done? after all, you were the one stressing endlessly through your whole life, it would have been a pity to miss the chance;

on the passenger seat of jaemin’s really old toyota, so many things were running in your mind. as you were focusing on the picturesque landscape, too many thoughts were attacking you suddenly — were you even able to sort those out in the dusty storage of your mind? only the warm touch of jaemin’s hand, feeling too hot on your legs, made you go back and forth between one thing and being sane.

and as if he read your mind, he gave voice to it.

“there’s no such thing as impossible, knowing and feeling how love transcends time and space, it’s...”

your head jerked up upon hearing his words. you wanted to solve your dear lover’s expression. the way the last words fall out of his lips and how those said lips were slightly smiling while his eyes were searching for yours. everything felt so surreal. you were weak and small but the thing between you was able to make you believe the opposite: you are the strongest of them all.

which, being completely serious, is true. since enduring all those lives is something only the strongest people can do. only they are able to watch the person they were assigned to, slowly fading away between their fingers;

reaching the local park, this was all you could think about. the memories you have made with jaemin only became sharper and even him being there with you, weren’t able to heal your scars. he held your hand, smiled and told you multiple times: he loves you. everytime he repeated those three words, the slight worry always became more and more visible. no matter how strongly you were holding onto the boy, it has became more clear: you’re going to lose him either way.

but that’s the thing you should think about the least. you need to focus on enjoying every moment. the fact that you can sit comfortably on the checkered blanket with him, spending a whole day together. the fact that you can have a picnic, you can talk for hours on end, your love is not unrequited anymore. you could have hide it but the years made you sometimes too unamused.

“why aren’t we ending this already?” you asked mindlessly, and as soon as you put a grape in your mouth, you regretted your words as jaemin’s face slowly became serious.

“please, don’t say things like this, okay? enjoy this day to its fullest. i want to love you until i go crazy. at least through this damn day.”

“i’ve loved you through this whole lifetime” you told him, fighting the urge to cry. “you have no idea how hard it is to think about it every god damn day. if people think you’re insane and let you rot in your own, personal pit. you don’t know how much it hurts to get in your bed, knowing that you have to go through your lover’s… your soulmate’s death someday. the one’s death that you love the most in the whole universe.” your voice was filled with uncontrollable emotions — regret rushed over you seeing him, teary eyed and confused.

“maybe. but dying isn’t that nice either.” his reply was bitter and his intention was clear: he wanted to leave you and calm down a bit. but you didn’t let him. you reached out for his hand and pulled him closer to yourself. he stared into your eyes but you didn’t say a word. that’s why he broke the silence. “all day, all i can focus on is that we can’t have a family. i can’t have a kid and i can’t grow old with you. i cannot love you utterly and completely for a whole lifetime. they took everything from us, that’s true… but let’s do something against that. please.”

“what could we do, jaemin? even if i shout at the sky above us, nothing will change! i’ve had enough and i just…”

before you could have finished your sentence, a big dog that was previously running around in the park, came to you two, sniffing your basket and deciding on being your company. your little argue was cut off by a golden retriever who was looking at you and jaemin, big eyes filled with curiosity. and you got a kiss from the dog too!

“isn’t this what other people call… little doze of happiness?” you said quietly, peeking at jaemin while petting the dog, looking at his collar, searching for a name. “buddy! what a cute name!”

“you see, y/n? that’s what i want. rendezvous, petting dogs, joy and sunshine. why can’t we get this?”

why?

what you have learnt from your experiences is one single thing: time is money and it won’t wait. as if the hours were passing by much faster in those twenty-four hours, one can be gone in a blink of an eye. you despised this, you have always hated that it had to be like this way, that you couldn’t stop time or travel to a whole another universe, waking up in a world where you can have a happy life with your dear lover.

the night came by so quickly you didn’t even realize its presence at first. the hours were going so fast, you couldn’t process the speed of it. you could only avert your attention from it as much as you were possibly able to. and in that moment, laying in the grass and gazing at the stars, it felt like as if you wasted every precious minute. but it felt so nice, eyes focused on the starry night, stars glowing shinier than one another, hands intertwined and fingers pointing at the sky. you gave the stars names and were adamant on finding more and more constellations. stargazing was what you two loved the most.

and then you saw the cassiopeia. the one thing that could remind you of the endless loop you and jaemin were in. spotting the constellation, you stood up in the grass and looked at your lover. his moonlit figure was equivalent to the most beautiful artwork in the whole universe. you were disgustingly in love with him. and that came with pain. so much pain.

“shouldn’t we go inside?” you asked suddenly, playing with your fingers while trying to avoid his gaze.

“you want to go in, love?”

you could only nod as an answer but he did what you wanted, without asking any further questions. he wanted to make you happy, more than anything. he wanted to see an honest smile on your face which can warm his heart up. since not only you were in a panic, he was too. but he preferred to not show it.

eventhough he was a master of everything else. and he showed it to you that night.

such heavenly words left his lips, he could have made a whole essay out of it, filled with emotions he wanted to show you on that short night that was given by fate; love, care and gratitude came out of his actions as he was talking to you, the way he handled everything. the way he mumbled in your ears without stop, the magical word “love” being repeated over and over, the way he touched you, the way he kissed you and the way he hugged you. he perfectly knew everything about you, he knew about your soft spots, he knew every inch of your body and he was so eager to discover it all over again since he can never get enough of you. he loved to trace his fingers over your figure, losing control here and there with those touches, reaching places that were the most precious to him. he loved to see how you reacted, how you said his name after every, sweet kiss of his, the way your voice was so shaky with every passing minute. as if he was playing a game with you, but that wasn’t the case. he showed you his true colours and you did the same. you were an open book in front of him, waiting for a sign from him. a small stroke of a brush which indicates that he was there. the marks blooming in thousands of colours, blue and purple, looking like the galaxy from above. you were like canvas to him, his signature on the corner of the painting, as if he was the painter. the artist. which was true, after all.

and as you were holding those stars in your hands, previously seen on the sky, you felt like you entered heaven. it had a feeling of warmth, the way those bright stars were in your hands, put there by jaemin. you could finally have it and you never wanted to let go of it. you could see that kind of reflection in your dear lover’s eyes, mirroring the honest feelings, the loyalty that connected you two. it was able to warm your heart up before crushing it. breaking it into millions of pieces.

that’s how it was with him. although it should have been much different.

and the brightest stars of them all, was brought the closest to you. you held it tightly and you were so stubborn on never letting it go. you closed your eyes and all you could focus on was jaemin’s quiet murmurs next to you.

dreams took you by surprise, although you wanted to avoid sleeping. but now, somehow you didn’t care about anything anymore. you gave in and entered dreamland together. close to each other — the closest ever.

at least during the night, you could pretend to be normal people. at least for a night.

waking up, the first thing that came to mind was checking up on the remaining time but as your eyes met jaemin and how peacefully he slept, time seemed to stop for a while. for a few moments, you could only study his face, the way he seemed so relaxed and comfortable. you watched his chest moving with every breath he took. you would have loved to give him a sweet little kiss but you didn’t have the heart to wake him up. eventhough you were aware of the fact: minutes are passing by in a hurry and every blink was equal to the end of your happiness.

“since when are you looking this attentively, love?” he asked in a sleepy voice before he opened his eyes. the corner of his lips went up a little as he felt your touch on his face. plus the small peck you greeted him with made the day a hundred times better. “i won’t lie if i say that you are the best thing the universe has ever created” his mumble was almost inaudible but you could still hear caring ringig in his speech.

for a long time, this was the first morning when waking up, you could hear the birds’ music so clear. the soft kind of song which mixed with the early rays of the sun, them not being able to fully warm up the room. everything felt so idillic, like it was a fairy tale. and if it hadn’t got such depressing ending, you would have agreed it was one.

“how did you say two lives before?” jaemin smiled and squeezed your hands, looking up and down on your face. “even the sun rose up today so it can follow the last few hours of our sorrowful tragicomedy?”

“how can you remember so perfectly? i mean… i am the one who should never forget, isn’t that true?” you shook your head, your grip on his hands tightening.

“looking at you calls out the hidden memories buried in the depths of my mind, you know.”

the rest of the day was dedicated to trying to enjoy it as much as you could, even if there wasn’t that much time in your hands. you had a long walk, holding each other’s hand, you ate delicious foods and tried everything that’s considered as the “perfect date”, corny things you have only seen in romance movies. it felt like the most treasured possession you had — time. after every kiss you gave to jaemin, you tried to remind him how thankful you were, stressing out the word “treasure”, letting him analyze the word as well. letting him repeat is and define whether it’s worth everything or nothing. whether it’s equal to love or not.

in the last hour of your time that was given, you two went back to your family’s house and its large backyard. no one was home so it made it much easier to sit on the ground and look at the sky once again, following the clouds’ slow pace.

“my current mother told me once that love takes something with itself every time…” jaemin said suddenly, out of nowhere, attentively looking at one certain cloud which he identified as a ‘dog’, based on its shape.

“what do you mean by that?”

“this is what love takes from us.” he mumbled, not really sure of his words. maybe he’s saying dumb stuff and his theory isn’t actually right.

“your current mother is right, i fear” only a sigh escaped your lips but you still continued, eyes fixed on the sky. “we have to pay for being together. but why is the price so high?”

you didn’t get any answers to your question, only a hum. you knew this is what’s going to happen, you didn’t wait for anything else. after all, jaemin barely knew anything about the world, maybe half of your knowledge was there for him, perhaps even less than that. if you couldn’t find the answer, why would he suddenly get the idea? you had centuries to think about it and he always forgot everything. maybe he was the one who won. in your eyes, it seemed like that.

as time passed and the sun started to set, you felt it coming. the last kiss was shared twenty minutes ago, too weak already. but his hand… you did not let go of that. you weren’t ready to lose him. you believed you would give him strength, that you can spare his life. but no, it was not the case. as you embraced him, all you could focus on was his heavy breathing and the way he told you nonchalantly: “i don’t want to die, it hurts”. tears were falling down on his face which was so pale and full of misery. his voice lost its colour slowly and everything felt like the worst nightmare one could think of.

“y/n, i… it hurts…”

his hands were weak and cold. you stroked his face, barely touching him because of the fear: you might cause more pain. you ran your fingers through his hair and found his gaze. yours was fixed on his iris, trying to look for the solution in there — it might be hidden. the last little piece of the final formula. but you couldn’t find it. you’ve never been able to.

the last sentence you heard from him in the current lifetime of yours consisted of three words. three simple yet so heartwarming words, barely escaping his lips.

“i love you.”

and you had to witness the agony of death once again, it was the price for the day. for your everything.

everything started all over again. greyness and gloom took over your life as the last little source of light faded away slowly, vanishing completely. and before you could have thought it’s going to be different this time, you knew it’s not true.

since that’s not what the book of fate had carved into its chapters. you two were destined for something else.

“i love you too, jaemin.”

#nct dream #nct dream imagines #nct dream headcanons #nct #nct imagines #nct dream fluff #nct dream scenarios #nct dream stories #nct dream writings #nct angst #jaemin scenarios #jaemin angst #jaemin imagines #jaemin #nct jaemin #jaemin headcanons #jaemin fanfic #jaemin x reader #jaemin x y/n

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plutoccult · 5 months

Text

ALWAYS THE ARTIST, NEVER THE MUSE

pairing: eren yeager x gender neutral reader

description: you know you shouldn’t have let yourself fall for eren, but you did anyway, and it only left you with nothing but hurt when you knew his heart belonged to another. after months of torture, you finally have the strength to let go, granting you the happiness you so desperately needed back in your life.

word count: 1.7k

also available to read on my ao3 here

author’s note: happy december? no, angsty december. this particular one shot is a little personal for me because it’s based off a final conversation i had with someone who i essentially let have hold of my heart for far too long and finally had the strength to let go of them a few months ago. he’s like jake gyllenhaal minus the age gap. i say this because he gave me the ability to relate to the moment i knew aka not being there for my 21st birthday! insane! i did however make it less personal by giving it some how i met your mother vibes, but there’s still inklings of my personal life in it. writing helps me heal and express my feelings in a way that i’m comfortable with, so i feel good writing this as part of my healing journey? corny to use fanfiction for healing, but to each their own. sorry if this is too angsty, but imagine how my life has been LMAO. anyway, big shoutout to my friend @toorubobatea for beta reading this. i really wanted her to read it before i posted it, so thank you queen!! and now i hope you guys can enjoy it just like she did! mwah! and i’m tagging @jeanboyjean since she so kindly asked me to <3

you knew that the day you met eren yeager, your life would never be the same, but my god, did it your life turn upside down. pulled in so many different directions you couldn’t tell what was left or right anymore. you felt like you were losing yourself in the process, but you wanted more of him like you wanted to breathe air.

it was always a mistake. one beautiful, soul-crushing mistake. he’d lead you on with mixed signals and uncertainty, but you lived for the thrill because it was the only interesting thing going on in your life. it’s “for the plot”, as you’d always say. even if your friends told you a million times he was bad news and you would only get hurt in the end, you didn’t care.

he was just your friend, that’s what you two always claimed; just friends, but you always sensed a hint of a lie in those words. you couldn’t be just friends. not when he remembered everything you said down to what you had for lunch last week or that time your mother fainted as she watched you get stitches for the first time as a kid. not when he spoke to you everyday like clockwork, a routine that seemed to come easy. how could you ever be just friends? how could it not be more?

you were inevitably in love with eren yeager, and it crushed you when you realized he never once had those feelings for you. not only that, but he was in love with someone else; mikasa ackerman, his best friend since childhood. it all made perfect sense, and you wished you never met him in the first place. but even then, you couldn’t keep yourself away from him. as long as he didn’t know of your feelings, everything would be fine, right? oh, how you were so, so wrong.

you tortured yourself every time you spoke to him. you listened to him as he pined for mikasa, too scared to admit his feelings to her. of course you knew what it was like to be in that position, the one you wanted was sitting right in front of you and he didn’t seem to have a clue. it frustrated you so much, but even so, you’d rather have something instead of nothing with him. such a sad way to feel, such a sad way to live when you think about it now. always the artist, never the muse. constantly crafting for others, nothing ever created just for you.

you’d push those feelings deep down into the darkest pit of your heart, but no matter how hard you tried, it would all come back every time you saw his face or even thought of him. those thoughts of maybe if you were prettier, funnier, and just overall better plagued your mind, but you had to shake them away. one day, you knew, you’d ultimately become fed up and blow up about it. it was the only way you knew how, the only way you could be free.

so now here you were, sitting at your usual booth in your favorite bar—assuming it may no longer be yours after tonight—waiting for eren to arrive so you could talk. you assumed he could sense your seriousness and urgency when you texted him, but you figured so be it. one way or another, you’d do this.

he arrived like you expected. you refused to let him make you second guess yourself, so you kept your cool and acted as normal before you dropped the bomb on him. besides, the shot you took before he showed up was quite the help, plus the drink you swirled around in its glass now.

eren walked over to the bar to grab a drink before heading over to the booth, expecting you to stand up and greet him with a hug like always, but you remained in your seat, clutching your drink in your hands.

“hey, i got your text.” he said as he sat down across from you.

“i see that.” you reply. he noticed you were acting different, not like the y/n he knew. it was obvious you had something on your mind, and since he knew you so well, eren could sense you were going to spill your guts about something.

“what’s up? is something wrong?” eren asked. this was it.

“i just.” you pause. oh god, you were really doing this. “i just wanted to say that i’m done with whatever this is.”

he’s silent, he doesn’t know what to say. you feel like the words are all coming out like vomit. you almost wish you were spewing real vomit right now, but you weren’t quite drunk enough for that. you had to get through this hellish conversation first, at least.

“i’m done. i’m not going to make a fool out of myself anymore. i’m done trying. i’m giving up.” you say, tears threatening to stream down your face, but you fight them away. “i’m done exhausting myself of trying to be something i’ll never be because deep down i know i’ll never be yours.”

eren should’ve seen this coming. all those times you fell silent when he ranted to you about his love problems. you always wanted to scream in his face about how the one person in this world that actually wanted him was always right there, that it was you. even so, he could never give you what you wanted, and he felt like the worst person in the world because of it.

you wait for him to speak, but he doesn’t say anything. if this was going to be your final conversation, he might as well say something. “well, speak now or forever hold your peace because i’m clearly not holding mine.”

“i mean, it’s just not what i was expecting to hear.” eren finally spoke. “i’m just shocked.”

“trust me, i never expected to say it either, but if i’ve learned anything, it’s that i care too much.” you tearfully admit. “too much about you when i know where your heart belongs and it’s not with me.”

“i’m sorry, y/n. i never meant for things to get like this.” he said with sincerity, although you wondered if it was all a lie. “and you must know that there was never any hostile intentions behind any of my actions.”

“that’s funny. it always seemed like there was.” you looked down at your drink, quickly moving your gaze back to him as he spoke once more.

“no, you…” eren paused, trying to put the words together in the best way he could. even if he didn’t seem like it, he did care someway, somehow. “you’ve been there for me when i needed someone most and i’m really, really grateful for that, but i can’t give you what you want, and i’ve been unfair to you as a result. i’m sorry.”

huh. this really wasn’t what you were expecting. where’s the insults? where’s the twisting of your words? why is he actually being apologetic and taking accountability? you wanted to say this was crazy, but this is eren you’re talking about. you always knew he was too good. too good to ever be yours, even.

“you know, this is usually the part where you flip out and make it all my fault instead by calling me delusional and crazy.” you force a laugh. might as well laugh through the pain, right?

“i’m not gonna flip out.” eren said.

“why?” you question him.

“because i know i’ve done wrong by you.” he replied.

“well, that’s a shock.” you take a sip of your drink, tempted to chug it, but eren’s words shocked you into stopping the liquid from going past your lips.

“it shouldn’t have to be, y/n.” he frowned. “you deserve someone who won’t weigh you down. you deserve to move on, even if it’s not flattering for me.”

you set down your drink as you let out a sigh and briefly cover your face, rubbing your eyes before showing yourself once more. “i hate that you’re being so nice about this. i was expecting to yell at you or something.”

“do you want to?” eren asked you.

as much as past you would have loved to, you didn’t have the energy to be bitter anymore. “no… i’m okay. this is better.”

“you sure?”

“yeah, positive.” you say, followed by silence. there wasn’t much for you to say anymore, and you couldn’t beat on this dead horse any longer. it was time to finally say goodbye, no matter how much it pained you to do so. “um, i guess we should just end this here, huh?”

“yeah, guess so.” he looked away. this hurt eren too, but you both knew this was for the best. you’ll be thankful later down the road.

“would it be totally wrong to sneak in a taylor swift quote right now?” you ask, almost immediately regretting the question.

“no, go for it.”

“eh, maybe not. too corny.” you thought it would be best to keep those words to yourself. besides, it was too hard to pin it down to just one thing. he was worth a hundred songs, ones you may never listen to the same way, but that’s okay.

“she’s a wise, wise woman, you know.” eren said, a grin slowly creeping up on his face, despite the circumstances.

“yeah, she is.” you softly smile. at least you could end this on a little good note.

“goodbye, y/n. i wish you the best in everything.”

“goodbye, eren. i really hope you get her someday.”

and with that, you placed a twenty dollar bill on the table and left the bar, no longer claiming it as your favorite and leaving it to eren, along with your favorite place to sit. like with everything else in life, nothing lasts forever, nothing stays the same, and that’s okay. you knew that now.

it was such a strange feeling, having this weight lifted off your shoulders. you had been burdened with this boulder for so long you forgot what it felt like to be weightless. you were finally clean of eren yeager, light as a feather, but most importantly, happy, and freeing yourself of such delusions was the greatest gift you could ever receive.

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ladyempty · 10 days

Note

We all know the story, Steffon on Aerys' orders goes to find a bride for Rhaegar, one of good lineage and valerian. But he doesn't find any good enough so Rhaegar marries Elia.

Now, let's imagine, there is a last Velaryon who is consequently the Lady of the Velaryon house but is constantly traveling to the free cities to increase the fortune of the house so Velaryon!Reader went unnoticed by Steffon.

What would Yandere Rhaegar's reaction be when Velaryon Reader appears at the Harrenhal tournament married to a man from Essos and already with three children, two girls and a boy, all with platinum hair? 👀

° | My first order! I can't believe it!! Thank you very much 💜 English is not my first language. |

° | This is a yandere work and may contain triggering behavior. I'm not in favor of that in real life. |

Prince Rhaegar Targaryen, the last dragon and with the advancing madness of King Aerys, the final hope of house Targaryen. Surrounded by an air of melancholy and a veil of sadness, he sought in books and parchments a refuge for a tired mind beyond his tender years.

His thirst for reading, always insatiable and sadness for no reason, it was no surprise that the Targaryen sought answers in his most reliable “friends”, books, the certain mental instability that surrounded him left fertile ground for his almost insane thoughts and dreams to take over. leadership. He had clung to every word and prophecy spoken about the Targaryen house as if it was the only thing that mattered, he had complete confidence and certainty that the promised prince would be born from his bloodline. Of his blood and flesh. A justification that went beyond men's understanding for their birth and unhappy existence. He had a greater purpose.

And he certainly wouldn't rest until he accomplished it. His marriage to Elia, like so many other royals, was purely political with no real feelings shared between them. Rhaegar didn't feel frustrated, Elia was kind, intelligent, fun and beautiful, from the second largest house in Westeros, he had nothing to complain about. A bolt of happiness struck him every time Elia managed to get pregnant, it was the beginning of the realization of his destiny. Just one more and then finally a dragon will have three heads as it should be.

But of course that didn't happen. The wife was very weak, her body would not be able to handle another pregnancy without her dying in the process and possibly along with the child who could not be born. It was not a pleasant risk, it would also cause certain disagreements in the political relationship with Dornes. He just needed a son, no matter who mother him.

It was a sunny day that morning, the sun was pleasantly warm, and the glory of the day in the riverlands spread before his eyes. On the sides of the road, the fruit trees hide with their delicate greenery and the birds busy with their melodies come out of hiding to enjoy some of the sun's rays. He was accompanied to the tournament at Harrenhal by his wife, children and father, who, paranoidly, would not allow any of his guards to remain more than two feet away from him. Observing each of those present with dark and suspicious purple eyes, not recognizing their own allies and subjects.

They arrived at dusk in time to attend the tournament's opening ceremonies, a grand banquet held in the Hall of a Hundred Hearths with nearly every lord of the seven kingdoms present, laughing and dancing along to the lively melody that resounded throughout the great hall. Elia quickly walked away to continue a conversation with his brother, the king remained quiet, his half-closed gaze migrating from one person to another with the speed and distrust of a trained dog. And after countless requests from nervous ladies and smiling gentlemen, Rhaegar surrendered to playing at least one melody on the harp.

The spirited Lady Lyanna seemed more moved, shedding a few tears and letting out a few shaky sighs, and Rhaegar was almost convinced that she was a fragile and lovely maiden before Stark poured, between grumbles and without any hesitation, an entire goblet of wine on her head of the younger brother. The action managed to surprise the prince, the girl had a joy that was not constantly present in her life and that was very well appreciated. Her mind strayed for a moment, and Rhaegar admired the young woman's beauty, she was charming and youthful like a flower in bloom.

His thoughts strayed again as an unsettling silence fell over the great hall like never before, the ladies ceased their gossip and the lords no longer clinked their overflowing goblets of the most expensive wine. All eyes were fixed on the large entrance door, which creaked as it was moved again. By instinct, Rhaegar followed the crowd's gaze and later, when he recalled the moment, he would not regret his decision.

A couple closely accompanied by three children entered the room. The man was tall, with copper skin and short dark hair, with a beard and wore an ice blue doublet. He carried the youngest child with him, a small girl who didn't look two years old anymore and certainly couldn't keep up with the adults. On the left side was another child, a boy just over five years old, with short hair and blue clothes, just like his father and next to the boy was another girl, with closed features, a little taller. And on the right side was the woman who was assumed to be the man's wife.

Naquele momento o coração de Rhaegar falhou algumas batidas, seu coração acelerou, o friozinho na barriga apareceu tão rápido quanto um raio que o deixou sem fôlego, uma corrente elétrica percorrendo seu corpo até atingir sua mente turva e inquieta. Se antes ele achava Lady Lyanna adorável, agora sua aparência empalidecia em comparação à elegância e beleza da mulher desconhecida. Seu caminho ainda nebuloso toma outro caminho, os longos cabelos platinados que brilhavam prateados sob a luz das velas e os olhos roxos como ametistas, da mulher e das crianças.

Was this a Joke? How was it possible? Rhaegar could not recall any woman with Valerian features in any house great or small in the seven kingdoms. If he knew, she would certainly be his wife right now. This thought darkened his features, due to the incompetence of others Rhaegar did not have the woman of his dreams, much less his three children as the prophecy said. His eyes fixed on the boy... Rhaegar didn't have the promised prince....

As the night wore on, the Targaryen prince's eyes never left the unknown woman's warm figure, every smile, every graceful dance, every sway of her platinum curls, even the quick glimpse of her stockinged legs. Everything was caught in the Targaryen's hungry, shameless eyes, the hunger that grew in her strange squirming with every little interaction she had with her husband or children. Every smile that was never directed at him was a punch to his face and a kick to his gut.

That Wasn't Right, Why Was This Happening? It was his destiny, those should be his children and his wife. Were the gods testing him? How could they be so cruel?

He approached without delay the moment you were left alone by your husband, the youngest daughter firmly holding the skirt of your light blue dress. Rhaegar put the best smile he had on his face before greeting, cornering the woman, who he now knew the identity of, to talk more personal, more gentle, more compromising. He simply couldn't contain himself, a dissatisfied tingling spread through his hands with every minute that passed without touching the softness of his face, a touch that could be interpreted as inappropriate but felt absolutely right in the prince's mind.

Rhaegar nodded calmly with a slight smile at each word you said, unable to contain himself any longer, his hand gently placed one of the platinum strands of your hair behind your ear, his fingertips trailing gently down the side of your slender neck. Restraining himself from saying anything or moving forward with his movements. Ignoring the way you winced and tried to politely walk away.

Why were you shy? Soon you would be married. It was destiny and nothing mattered beyond that. You would follow your duty.

#yandere x reader #Yandere Rhaegar Targaryen #Rhaegar Targaryen x Reader #Yandere Rhaegar Targaryen x Reader

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pommunist · 4 days

Note

Going off of this one anon that said something about never working in a real environment... first of all, that anon spoke nothing but truths and I totally agree with everything they said. Now what I wanted to say was to your response, line by line.

"Fact is that we’re almost two months after things went public and these signs are nowhere to be seen." Firstly, multiple CCs have said changes have been done behind the scenes and trust in the process. We won't see these changes, because we aren't working internally. This makes sense.

"I think it’s not abnormal to want to be sure these things aren’t happening anymore before they continue supporting it" There is no proof of things being this way. As a matter of fact, the admins that we know of that are still on the project, are enjoying their time and making changes of going back to normal. Most of the statements of mistreatment come from people who worked months ago, before this was made public. Currently, the fact that things are slowly returning to normal, is a very good sign. This means that things are stabilizing behind the scenes.

"Voicing criticism can also be a way to try to avoid problems being swept under the rug as it had been until Léa shared her experience" This is also true, you are correct. However, there is nothing new to be talked about. This is like beating a dead horse. We know the treatment was bad. We know the conditions were horrible. However, now it's being fixed and worked upon. This we know is the case now. Therefore, talking about old subjects eventually gets tiring for everyone involved and stops being productive. At this point, it's just public venting.

"as long as it’s with respect of everyone involved." This is entirely true. Except nobody respects Q in all of this. Nobody extends this respect to Q, who also got taken advantage of. It is unfair for him as well and nobody is defending him. If people do defend him, then suddenly they're harassed, they don't care about workers rights, etc. and it's what's causing this divide now. Nobody can defend Q -not even CCs, anymore - without getting treated like shit. Look what happened with Tubbo, who gets treated like a child who doesn't know anything. Look at Missa, who felt personally hurt by attacks made on Q. He wasn't even involved and he felt horrible about it all. Everyone who says "respect everyone involved" ends up not extending that respect to Q. I am not implying that you personally attack Q, but I have seen several people who say this exact line, then go to attack Q. Tweets calling Q white, posting his address, his phone number, full name, etc. get thousands of likes. And people saying "hey this is weird" end up getting swarmed.

"And people keep being angry because they keep hoping for the project to improve, without getting signs it will." The issue here is that we have gotten signs. From the admins making their projects on the QSMP, from CCs talking about their good experiences, those are all good signs. But nobody takes those good signs as truth, for some reason. We have been getting these good signs but they're brushed off as "they don't know everything" or "this isn't what I wanted to see" which is parasocial as hell. I don't know how to put it any other way but it's insanely parasocial to demand to see such specific changes from the QSMP. It doesn't align with what you think should be done. You don't even know what's going on behind the scenes, like, at all. Anyone on Twitter making "new" statements are all from people who aren't even in the project anymore. Because these are coming out now, people have this false impression that nothing changes. When in reality, nobody knows what's going on right now except those still involved. Like Pierre, like Phil. Who both know more than you or I ever will. And it should stay that way. I don't want to know the extent of what either of them know. Because it should stay confidential. I, as a viewer, shouldn't even know half of this. I shouldn't ever know this unless I am a worker there. This wasn't even intended to be made public, it never should have been. This was going to be handled already. Pierre and Q both said that they were planning on dealing with this. This was made public for zero reason. The truth is, complaining isn't going to get anyone anywhere. It's like trying to clean up a mess and you have someone in your ear complaining about how long it's taking you to clean despite you trying your damn hardest to clean.

To end this statement off, I do not intend for this to be some kind of attack on you personally. It isn't an attack at all, to be quite frank, this is moreso to the arguments you presented that I have seen splayed across Twitter, Tumblr, anywhere. I truly think this constant complaining and constant detail-orientation is getting nobody anywhere. All this is doing is just distracting from the big picture:

Q put someone in charge of a project, whom he falsely trusted.

As a result of this, for about a year, this person created horrible working conditions and used their position of power to hide most of this (or the full gravity of the situation) from Q.

Q was made aware of this, and was planning the proper steps to deal with this privately.

However, this was made public for no real reason, and now he has to deal with this while dealing with the public eye, misinformation, and also privately too.

Due to people leaving and leaking certain details, he cannot be as transparent as he wants to be.

He is also dealing with legal cases which prohibit how much he can say, also limiting which people can get the information he can say.

Although the operations within QSMP are slightly turbulent, things are being done slowly to stabilize them, which includes garnering funds to pay back the people who were exploited and insufficiently paid.

That's the entire story. People are so wrapped up in details that they forget everything that led to this. Again, this wasn't directed specifically towards you, I have nothing against you. But some arguments you presented have their counterarguments as well and I wanted to present them.

man what an ask to wake up to after opening tumblr at 7am uh

First link to the post you’re referring to anon because I still stand with everything I said AND might repeat some of it here :

-I’m glad some ccs have said things are moving behind the scenes, I’m not doubting their words. However I don’t make my personal opinion based on what a cc says. There is nothing wrong with withholding support to a project until there is any concrete indication that things are solved. Already pissed I did so for almost a year, won’t make the mistake twice !

-There was no proof of things being bad for 10 months before admins came out with their stories, we trusted that they were being treated fairly because there was no reason to think otherwise, look where that got us. "Most of the statements of mistreatment come from people who worked months ago" well not only do we know that there are admins who are still within the project that are not being communicated with, but maybe the reason most statements come from people who used to work for Qstudios is because since then at least 50 people have been fired/had to quit ?

-"At this point it’s just public venting" Yes, maybe, and ? People who are angry about this don’t owe patience, productivity or anything to the QSMP. I would argue that Qstudios could fix everything perfectly overnight and people would still be allowed to be angry that it even happened.

-About Quackity I’m not sure I see your point here because obviously it’s stupid to go harass, insult, threaten him or anything close to that. It’s different from actual criticism about his actions and negligence. I can have no respect towards his work as a company owner while also believe he deserves basic human decency ?

Let’s not forget that yes, he might have been fucked over by that One admin, but also the repeated mistreatments over months was made possible because neither Quackity nor anyone else was keeping an eye on what was going on behind the scenes.

-Once again, ccs talked positively about it before, admins were doing projects before, and yet things were shit. When I say signs of things improving I mean ex admins being contacted, statements that those still working are doing so with an actual legal framing and protection.

It is not parasocial to ask that a company upholds workers rights and have something to show they’re doing so. Wouldn’t that make the goddamn union parasocial ? 😭

And I’m glad if some of the admins still currently working are able to do so in the right conditions, obviously not wishing for more people to be mistreated. Doesn’t change the fact that those who have been have not seen any improvement of their situation. Plus we know that even before everything came out, not everyone was treated the same.

Again, this was not made public for zero reason. It was made public as attempts from the admins at solving it internally had been met with silence.

Complaining does get you somewhere. Admins complaining and people using their voices to shine light on their statements and the issues they raised got that Quackity talked about it and started to make changes. Complaining about and withholding support from a company do hold them accountable to a certain extent, and push them to improve the work conditions. Workplace abuse thrives under silence and people keeping their mouth shut.

To reuse your metaphor about cleaning : If you break a glass and start cleaning the shards, people can still point that the glass is broken, and they can still complain about the cleaning if you’re doing a sloppy job at it.

About your recap of events, I have already talked about some points but also :

-The "leak" argument just has to stop for real. Not only it is incredibly inaccurate to use that word to talk about admins sharing what they went through, if you truly want to fix stuff you shouldn’t care first about your actions being revealed.

-Any admins who are to ask about fair payment shouldn’t have to wait until enough merch is sold or whatever. As a victim you shouldn’t have to be patient with the company and wait for them to get their shit together before you start getting some consideration.

tldr i guess : Cool that you’re able to fully trust a company that is responsible for unlawful treatment of their workers for months based on Quackity saying "don’t worry guys things are changing", but not me tho !

#quack crit #qsmp crit #is there a medal for getting the longest anon asks if yes where is mine #never doubt the sacred art of complaining in front of me !!! 😤🫵

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kyouka-supremacy · 9 months

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Yeah I was shocked at first too how little Atsushi seemed to care about Aku's death and was outright offended on Aku's behalf but now that I'm rereading I can't describe Atsushi post-88 as anything other than "numb" or going through the motions and it get really blatant when you see how animated he got during the most recent chapters

Mmmmhh. I think those two Atsushi pages are extremely interesting, and that we need to talk about them some more. Overall, Anon, I relate to your experience: I too thought Atsushi's reaction to Akutagawa's death was rather indifferent at first, and I too eventually warmed up to it explaining it as loss rather than apathy, a difficulty to process what had happened just yet. But the thing is, before chapter 107 came out, I truly felt like both interpretations - the indifferent one and the numb one - were equally sustained by canon elements and potentially true. I do think that the “indifference” interpretation had canon grounds of its own right and, although it's close to be disproven by the latest chapters, I want to elaborate on that, because I think it's still valuable to reflect over it.

It's reasonable to think Atsushi's reaction was so cold and detached because a lot had just happened for him way beyond what any man could elaborate in the immediate; at that point it still didn't come natural for him to think of Akutagawa as anything but evil, and, even though Akutagawa had just proven in action to be more than a ruthless monster, for Atsushi months of thinking of Akutagawa as the devil incarnate isn't something he could grow out of in a matter of minutes or hours, especially given he still hadn't had the chance to properly elaborate what happened. And yet even when considering all of that, it's still true that Atsushi never asks Ango "why did Akutagawa sacrifice himself?" or "why did Akutagawa die for me?"; he only wonders if there's "some grand meaning to it". He doesn't seem to be pondering over Akutagawa's sacrifice in particular as something extraordinary, but rather reflects about the entire string of events as equally important factors. I find it insane that Atsushi is thinking about the event of Akutagawa keeping his promise over the very occurrence of Akutagawa giving his life to save him, and how even that instance of remembering something good Akutagawa did feels to be only prompted by acknowledging how that allowed him to escape, for the ada to keep fighting– even when thinking about Akutagawa, it seems to be for inherently selfish reasons. It all speaks, to me, like in that moment Atsushi saw Akutagawa like just a piece in the grand scheme of things and nothing more, which is coherent with the dehumanizing perception of Akutagawa he always held; and that's why it made me believe that nothing much really changed even after Akutagawa died for him, because apparently nothing would have been able to scratch Atsushi's quick-to-judgement, close minded attitude.

Then again, this was my main interpretation up to chapter 88 and no further, and back then I probably shouldn't have given that much relevance to Atsushi's words since in that moment he was understandably shaken and unstable. Besides, obviously, chapters 107 and 108, Atsushi hallucinating Akutagawa in chapter 105 is a meaningful element too: the way Akutagawa seems to be guiding him, how Atsushi doesn't seem to hold any fear or hatred or resentment towards him anymore, the way Atsushi places him on top of importance falling second only to Dazai. And it's true that chapter 107's "I know you're still there" and "you still haven't told me why did you save me" are telling enough on their own: of the fact that Atsushi really had a change of heart about Akutagawa, of the fact that he's changed his mind on him. And after all who am I to disagree, I don't wish for anything other than celebrating sskk canon 2k23 ahah!

But the thing is: in the end, to me, it really doesn't matter if that chapter 88 scene specifically is meant to be interpreted Atsushi caring for Akutagawa or not!! What I mean to say is that unrequited-sskk is still a very compelling dynamic and noteworthy concept, and it having canon basis or not is ultimately completely irrelevant.

I've been called out a lot for my unrequited-sskk takes and received a couple of asks and replies already on this, so I really wanted to clarify why I'd stand by that in the first place, and elaborate on why in my opinion that Atsushi scene from chapter 88 really fits the picture. Truth to be told, unrequited-sskk was mostly a June 2022 phase that manifested slowly in later months due to my late posting habit, but I don't feel for it any strongly than requited sskk– I mean, I obviously love sskk, of course I'm also rooting for them to be happy together. But I do think unrequited sskk holds a lot of thematic value, and that's why I think it's very interesting concept to reflect over! More specifically, I think it's very fitting with Akutagawa's character themes of being perfectly unlovable, the miserable and tragic character. This context ties with and reinforces the image of Akutagawa as the cursed character, someone who can only fall for people who are destined to hate him; and the people he loves won't ever be able to see in him anything but a monster, because he is fated to cause repulsion in anyone he meets. Additionally, seeing the character under this light makes his death even more dramatic and heartbreaking: there's some added pain in the knowledge that he's dying for someone he loves, and who is never going to love him back or even see him as human for what matters, and yet Akutagawa deciding to do so anyways. I feel like Akutagawa as the ultimate tragic character, born miserable and died miserable, only ever running after glimpses of happiness without ever the chance to grasp them, forever unloved, forever in pain, is really compelling! Akutagawa doomed to be unloved in life and death, someone whose pain, whose sacrifice and humanity will never be recognized by anyone but the silent audience. It's just a very entertaining concept to explore!!

I also find the unrequited love scenario interesting on the other end, in the way it frames Atsushi, the good one, as fundamentally unable to be compassionate and forgiving with Akutagawa, making out of the good guy a complex and especially flawed person. I like how Atsushi and Akutagawa's roles of good and bad are switched in someone who's unforgiving (unsympathetic), and someone who's miserable (sympathetic). (That is far from wanting to villainize Atsushi– Akutagawa did a lot of unforgivable things to him. He just did a lot of redeemable things also.)

In the end my final take - which is something I've always thought - is that sskk's relationship, and its chance to bloom romantically or not, is mostly dictated by chance: in Beast, they've met in a friendly, non-hostile environment, and they suddenly clicked; but not in every universe they might be lucky. They have palpable chemistry, but it's not granted that will always translate in them getting along more than them clashing and destroying each other. And I guess that's what makes them so fun to fixate on!! How their relationship can take so many different shapes while staying the same. When people ask when sskk would get together, I really think it's only a matter of case. I think it's as likely for Akutagawa to kiss Atsushi on impulse after this arc has ended than it is for them to beat around the bush for years and years to no end. I think it's really a matter of chance that Akutagawa didn't kill Atsushi and join the Hunting Dogs, a split-second decision that could have easily gone another way. I find it cool how their relationship can take so many different shapes and yet the only thing that stays the same is how inexplicably tied they are, how the other makes them who they are, how deeply and intrinsically connected they are.

Tl;dr: Atsushi's reaction to Akutagawa's death, up to chapter 88 and without considering chapter 107 and further, has equal basis to be interpreted as Atsushi being indifferent (uncaring) of Akutagawa or detached (caring in disguise) of Akutagawa; here's what made of uncaring of Akutagawa an interesting scenario no matter the fact it turned out to be wrong; here's why, independently by how much canon basis it has, themes wise unrequited-sskk is still a very interesting concept that should be taken in consideration.

#Sorry this went in ten different directions there were just a lot of points I wanted to clear up once and for all #I'm terribly sorry if it's messy I hope it's at least intelligible ;;;;;;#atsushi nakajima #ryūnosuke akutagawa #sskk #bsd #bungou stray dogs #bsd ch 88 #bsd ch 84-88 #bsd ch 107 #bsd ch 105 #bsd analysis #mine #people asks me stuff

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plus-size-reader · 2 years

Text

The Perfect Plan

Bucky Barnes x Plus size!reader

Word Count: 3065 words

Warnings: a little bit of an angsty piece I’ve been working on in an attempt to kick writers block’s ass. (I imagine this set somewhere after civil war, I just liked the gif)

Summary: Bucky pulls his punches when sparring with the reader, which doesn’t exactly go as planned

—————————————————————————————————

“How do you ever expect me to get better if you keep pulling your punches?”

The words left your lips as little more than a huff as you pulled away from Bucky, that accusatory glare of yours burning into his skin.

Clearly, something was going on.

The two of you had been sparing since before the sun came up and even still, nothing had changed.

You both knew that he could easily knock you from your feet, a million times over if he wanted to, but for whatever reason, he hadn’t. He had hardly landed a single swing, and that told you one very important thing.

He was holding back.

You could feel it.

Normally when you two were sparring, trading shots and doing everything you could to get better, he gave you just about everything he had.

That was the deal.

In order for you to gain the skills necessary to be of any help to him and the rest of the team, Bucky knew that you’d have to take on people that meant you real harm. They weren’t going to look out for your safety.

They weren’t going to be careful not to hit you too hard.

That was just something that you were both going to have to deal with, whether Bucky liked it or not.

Unfortunately, that didn’t make training you any easier for the man in question. There were too many moving parts and too many things that could go wrong, especially with him.

It was complicated, Bucky was complicated, and you just didn’t seem to grasp the gravity of it all.

That, or you didn’t care, and neither of those options brought him any comfort.

“I’m not” he tried, stepping back from you again, dropping both arms at his sides, the tone of his voice not even enough to convince him.

It wasn’t entirely his fault.

Bucky just didn’t want to hurt you, even if he knew it was all for the greater good and frankly, that didn’t seem like the worst thing in the world.

He wasn’t supposed to want to hurt you, but there was no other way.

You had told him that a million times.

Dating The Winter Soldier, as you’d chosen to do, came with risks and since you weren’t about to leave the man you loved no matter the danger, the only other way to make sure you didn’t get yourself killed would be if he helped you.

Helped you prepare and helped you learn to take care of yourself, even when he wasn’t around.

Besides, you had already proven to him that you could handle yourself, and you trusted Bucky. That was why you’d asked him to help you with this in the first place.

“No? Then why haven’t you hit me once?” you questioned, your hands falling on your hips as you surveyed him, clearly waiting for some kind of reason for his actions other than the one you both knew was the truth.

There was silence between you for a moment, a silence that filled the usually packed training room, and knocked Bucky further out of his depth.

Anything he came up with would be too clearly an excuse.

Not that saying nothing at all was much better.

“Maybe you’re just better than you’re giving yourself credit for” he eventually tried, admiring the near look of disdain on your face as you processed his answer.

It was a lie.

A piss-poor excuse for something you should have seen coming before you even agreed to any of this. Bucky loved you, and because he loved you, it was hard for him to do this for you. It was hard for him to set his mind aside, for even a moment.

It was too dangerous, even if you didn’t believe it.

“Maybe” you grumbled, shaking your hands out at your sides for a moment, forcing your attention away from the handsome face of the man you loved.

Who, in this moment, was driving you insane.

“Or, and this is just a theory, you don’t actually want me to get better” you countered, wiping a small bit of sweat from your brow. Bucky may not have been trying to accomplish anything today, but you had been giving this everything you had.

Since sun up.

Your tone once again caught Bucky off guard. You were angry, evidently, because he had made the executive decision not to use his years of experience in this area to knock you on your ass.

It didn’t make any sense.

Still, he couldn’t just let you think that he would deliberately throw your training because of something so stupid. He was under no illusions of what you were capable of, and was sure that in time, you’d be a force all your own.

It was just going to be hard for him to get you there, all alone.

“Of course I want you to get better. I just don’t want to hurt you” Bucky shrugged, actually forcing a laugh from your lungs.

On any other day, you would have understood but today, it was a problem. It was a problem because this wasn’t part of your deal.

He was supposed to be helping you.

He had agreed to help you, and if he wasn’t able to, that was fine, but he definitely should have brought it up before now.

“You agreed to help me do this” you reminded, more for yourself than him as you tried to figure this out. There had to be some kind of strategy, something you could do that would make him take this seriously.

All you had to do was take a different approach.

“What did you think we’d be doing? Holding hands? Baking cookies?” you taunted, loosely wrapping and unwrapping your hand as you spoke, just as Steve taught you to do, not even bothering to look Buck in the eye.

You loved him.

You understood that he was actively terrified of the hell that lived in his mind, constantly painting the space behind his eyes with horror, but that was exactly why he had to be the one to do this for you.

If you found yourself in danger, it would likely be due to your connection to him but even if it wasn’t, there was always the slim, albeit entirely possible, chance that it would be at his own hand.

When Bucky was out of control, when the Winter Soldier took over, there was no telling what he was capable of. You had seen it with your own two eyes, and if he even became that again, you had to be able to do something.

Even if all you could actually do was keep him from killing you.

So, with that in mind and no real idea what you were planning on doing, or what difference it would make, you swung your weight in his direction again, putting everything you had into a punch that you landed without fail in the center of his chest.

Though, again, Bucky did nothing to retaliate.

He didn’t make a move to strike, to move or even to speak. All he did was look at you, the hint of a smirk threatening to betray him the longer you put this on.

Not that he needed to be reminded, but you never ceased to amaze him with how determined you could be.

“I am helping you get better, your form is incredible” Bucky reasoned, enjoying the way your face scrunched up in annoyance as he further dug himself into whatever hole he’d been digging, his eyes scanning over you as you stood in front of him.

He was playing with you, of course.

In the beginning, it had been a real offer and it still was, in part.

If you were going to be out there with them, in the heat of combat, you needed to be prepared and he was the perfect person to make sure you were. It wasn’t his fault that watching you get flustered was a hell of a lot more fun than beating you up over and over.

The latter just wasn’t something he was willing to do, even if it was perhaps the best way for you to learn.

“Really? Because when you train with Nat, she leaves with bruises” you finally spit, choosing to ignore the clear irony of actively asking the man you loved to beat you up.

It was true.

Natasha and Bucky had regular appointments together, just like this one, except when she asked him to, he landed his hits…every time.

The reality was that the enemy, and whatever was out there, wouldn’t go easy on you.

You had to learn to take a punch, and to land quite a few of your own in return, two things you couldn’t do without Bucky’s help.

Help that he just wasn’t giving.

“Now hold on, that isn’t fair” your partner sighed, but you didn’t give him the time to come up with some half-baked reason this time.

You weren’t some porcelain doll, constantly on the edge of shattering. You were a part of this team just like he was, and all you needed was a little help to get on the same level.

Of all people, you could have thought he’d understand that.

“Isn’t it? What’s the difference between her and me?” you kept going, your right hand falling square in the center of his chest, hard enough for that little voice in the back of your head to question if you should stop.

Not that you were going to.

This was important to you, even if it didn’t matter to him.

“Nat could handle it” he yelled back, the implication there more than enough to spur on the heat beneath your skin all over again, his hand gingerly capturing you at the wrist.

So that was what this was about.

He didn’t think you could do this, no matter how many times he assured you that you could before now.

As much as this was about Bucky being scared of his past, and the things he couldn’t control, it obviously has something to do with his opinion of you as well. Clearly, he thought that you were weak or pathetic, neither of which you were just going to accept.

It wasn’t in your nature.

“I don’t know why I thought you could help me with this. I should have asked Steve” you scoffed back, watching as his face twitched now, telling you that you’d plucked a nerve there, without even meaning to.

Good.

As much as Bucky meant to you, this wasn’t about your relationship. This wasn’t about love, and it wasn't about protecting you.

This was about you being able to protect yourself, and it was important.

“You think I’m going easy on you? Steve wouldn’t have even shown up for something like this” the raven-haired male decided, admiring you with a smug smirk.

He had you there.

Steve only really spared solo, having told you several times that he preferred to save the fighting for the real enemy. You doubted any amount of begging would get you the result you wanted, and then you’d be back here.

Dealing with Bucky, in all his brooding.

You had never known someone to be so damn stubborn, though Bucky would argue that could be rectified by looking in a mirror.

“Well, there’s gotta be somebody in this place who doesn’t think I’m weak” you prodded, your pointer finger finding purchase in the tense muscle of his pectoral.

Just to further prove your point.

“Now come on, you know that’s not what I meant. It’s just that you’re just starting, and I don’t want to push you too hard” he tried, finally backing down as much as he was willing to, when he saw the smallest twinkle of real hurt in your eyes.

This wasn’t just you getting frustrated, or trying to goad him into a fight.

You genuinely believed he thought you were weak, and that couldn’t have been farther from the truth.

He was just scared of bringing you into this, and while that wasn’t what you’d come here for, it was easier to get a rise out of you than admitting that.

“Because you think I’ll break” you inferred, taking him that step further, earning a groan from his lips, that familiar crease in his brown ridge making another appearance.

This whole thing had been fun for him, as long as he was pulling the strings but it wasn’t nearly as entertaining to have to take what he’d gotten really good at dishing out.

“Because if you do, I don’t want to be the one responsible”

It was his worst nightmare.

One that he’d had to live over and over again, all those memories, flashes of faces now replaced in his sleep with your own. Bucky wouldn’t be able to live with himself if anything ever happened to you at his hand.

He just wouldn't.

It was one thing for you to want to join the fight, but it was another one entirely for him to be the one on the other side of it.

There was silence between you for a long moment as you considered his words, and the sheer weight of them as they left his lips and met your ears.

You wanted to disagree with him, to keep pushing the envelope and argue that that was nothing more than an excuse, but deep down, you knew you couldn’t. Bucky wasn't the kind to make empty promises or weak excuses for his actions.

He never had been.

So, as much as you hated to, you nodded, letting the tense muscles in your jaw relax as you tried to decide where to go from here.

If Buck wasn’t comfortable with it, you’d have to find someone who was, which proved to be a rather daunting task given the rooster. Still, you didn’t want to push him too far, especially if this would put the man you loved in a bad place.

That was the last thing you wanted to do.

“Okay, I’ll just ask around. I’m sure someone else will help me” you shrugged, forcing a gentle smile to your face in an effort to mask the disappointment swelling in the pit of your stomach.

It wasn’t his fault.

Bucky was who he was, and he couldn’t be blamed for being afraid of what he was capable of. Maybe you could try again later, after you got a little more confident in your own abilities in combat.

After you knew what you were doing.

“I don’t want you to do that. I can do this, I just want to be careful” came Bucky’s inevitable reply as he did a fair amount of his own thinking. It had been a while since he’d been out of control, albeit not as long as he’d have liked, and it should be fine.

He just didn’t like having to rely on things probably being okay.

“I should have mentioned it earlier, I really thought I could handle it, but once I got here, it just felt different” he continued, absently taking your hand in his own as he spoke, his fingers playing at the cloth dressing your knuckles.

Hand to hand just never felt quite right to him anymore, even when it was just sparring. He always felt like he was one step away from disaster, one step away from losing what little bit of him was still him, in the first place.

“I get it” you allowed, giving his right hand a reassuring squeeze, further driving home that you weren’t upset with him, and that you didn’t blame him for trying to protect you.

You loved him, and this wasn’t going to change that.

Nothing was ever going to change that.

The two of you always made things work, and even if you didn’t do things the traditional way, you got things done your way.

…and this was no different.

Just because Bucky wasn’t comfortable physically training with you yet didn’t mean that he couldn’t help you. It just meant that you had to think about it differently, and make it work for you.

“How about we try something different? You said my form is good but I could still use help with the logistics” you explained, watching as Bucky’s face changed from one of guilt to one of subtle concentration, as he followed your words.

Of course, you hadn’t gotten to the point yet but it didn’t matter.

If there was anything he could do to help you, he’d do it, so long as he was sure he could do it while also keeping you safe.

“Yeah, your stance is solid” Bucky repeated, allowing you to lead him over to the other side of the gym like a puppy after its master, ever willing to do whatever it took to please you.

Clearly, the gears were turning in your head, all he had to do was listen.

“Thanks, but what I still need help with is all the other stuff. How much force do I put behind a punch? How do I maintain my own balance while trying to get the upper hand, especially against someone stronger or more skilled than me?” you hummed, only stopping your task once you reached your destination.

The Punching bag.

If you couldn’t actively train opposite Bucky, the next best thing would have to do. In this case, the next best thing would be sparing against the punching bag in front of you, under the watchful eye and expert guidance of your lover.

Who, based on the look that was developing on his handsome face, just realized where you were going with this.

How had he missed this?

It had been staring you both in the face this entire time, just like Steve’s refusal to fight unless he was in the face of danger, all Bucky had to do was keep his distance til he was ready.

It was the perfect plan.

You could develop your skill, and he could still help you, maintaining a comfortable distance until he was sure he could handle it.

“I’ll teach you everything and then, when we’re both ready, I’ll show you” You had never known someone to be so damn stubborn, though Bucky would argue that could be rectified by looking in a mirror.

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saltyr3mix · 7 months

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EVERYONE ELSE GO HOME YOU ARE MY FAVORITE PERSON IN THE ENTIRE WORLD FOR THE NEXT HOW EVER LONG THIS TAKES YOU TO READ. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS.

Ladies, gents, all of the above below and in between here is my rambles about new life sparrow because he has infested my mind like the skulk that infests him.

OK WERE DO I EVEN BEGIN WITH THIS GUY

Okokokokookokooo SO

We love a flawed character who has good intentions and a not so good way of showing them. he comes off as over enthusiastic and insensitive at first with his studies of hybrids. which is....just a tad bit relatable as someone often seen as energetic i can be too much for people at times so i get it.

Also everyone that drew the parallels between the way Sparrow talks about hybrids and O!Owen talked about demons is correct. it's terrifying. and if sparrow ever goes down that arc i will write incredibly angsty fanfiction about it and cry.

If you haven't already im going to point anyone reading this in the direction of my New life smp fic, Storming sacrifices on ao3 by Salty_R3mix cause thats where a lot of this next part comes from.

i head cannon that on New life when players die/switch hybrids they have to fall into a coma like state to do so and it takes time in between those shifts. Sparrow is on the longer side of these shifts for the more drastic the change the longer. to go from human to machine and then machine to skulk. thats like a solid month or two of their body just reforming and recreating. both times.

ALSO THE MOST RELATABLE THING ABOUT HIM.

HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE HUMAN.

WHICH IS JUST SO SAME BESTIE LIKE IF I LIVED IN A WORLD WHERE PEOPLE GET COOL TRAITS AND MAGICAL POWERS AND I WAS JUST BORING? YEAH I WOULD STUDY THEM AND TRY TO BE ONE TO! BOLD OF YOU TO ASSUME MY LOVE FOR FANTASY AND MAGIC ISN'T ALREADY BASED OFF THE NEED TO ESCAPE THE REAL WORLD BECAUSE IT SUCKS AND ITS BORING ANDGHYKULKNBVGVUKL

Anyway hes also insane. like, i get it. but also you could have found a away to make the process less painful im sure. hes smart. but his egarness got the best of him.

Anyway one of my favorite things to think about and debate is the 'chip' in his head. cause to me and my messed up little mind that has read well over at least 20 hours worth of sbi hybrid fanfiction in the summer of 2022. to me that just sounds like instinct. hot take but i don't think it was that big of a deal. what was wrong with the situation was prior to becoming a copper golem, Sparrow was human. if any other hybrid became a copper golem. they would be a lot less bothered by it. Sparrow was not used to that sheer level of inhumane instinct that it overwhelmed him and he just let it. t Not knowing what else to do. until eventually getting so lost and consumed by it that he had to you know....blend himself.

I miss him though. i like robots. and he was so fun to draw. i draw him all the time. just because the design i made for him is one of my favorite things ever.

OH AND SKULK SPARROW. THIS MAN. HE IS SO MESSED UP. THE NARRATIVE CAME CRASHING DOWN IN FRONT OF HIM AND SCREAMED THAT HE IS DOOMED.

I haven't seen a character so demised by the narrative that wasn't my own since outsiders Apo and maybeeeeeeee Celio form wtd. beside the point.

He is so overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time its iconic. one seconded hes lonely after copper literally abandoned any former relationships. the next he can hear things through the skulk. but then he brings a guy down. kills him. decides to build a gate. AGAIN. WE KNOW HOW THIS ENDED LAST TIME OWEN. WHEN HAVE GATES EVER WORKED IN YOUR FAVOR. i think it's just a cannon event for them at this point. Owen with gates and Apo with levers. (GUYS IM JOKING HERE. DON'T CARY THIS CURSE INTO PIRATES PLEASE LET THEM BE HAPPY FOR ONCE)

Ok yeah. Im really excited to watch skulk and other versions of sparrow later realize that no matter what monstrosity he ends up as. he'll never be as free as he was human again. Every hybrid comes with their own form of instinct that he will be forced to follow. some lighter than others. and hell, even if he does end up as human again the effects are still there forever lingering.

ALSO I AM HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH THE 'Wait? His name is sparrow but he still answers to Owen. this clearly must have lore implications.' PEOPLE. To anyone who has ever had that thought you are the best. i've read i think 3? fics based of it and oh my word im obsessed with that idea and the different takes on it.

and here is where i come to a close. do i have more to say? probably. but my hands hurt and my thoughts are slowing in pace so if you want more feel free to ask id be overjoyed but ask another day. i mean i didn't even touch on his interactions with the other players.

i am so clearly sane and stable about this character btw. i don't know what made you think otherwise.

#new life smp #new life owen #new life sparrow #Thank you again for sending me off on this ramble i think i needed to get it out of my system.#And thank you for anyone that took the time to actually read this! it means a lot to know im not the only one that wants to violently shake #this character.

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pricescigar · 6 months

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My opinions on Call of Duty Modern Warfare III

Call of Duty MWIII Spoilers down below. Don't look if you haven't played the game!

Disclaimer: This is my own opinion everyone has a right to their own opinion. Please don't fight in the comments. :)

With that being said here it goes.

Campaign over all, I give it a 8.5 out of 10

The campaign over all for me, it was amazing. Yes it was supposed to be a DLC, yes it was supposed to be this or that, yes we was supposed to have a two year time frame for the game. I get it.

The missions could be a little longer, and they've could've added a mission dedicated to only using snipers. Like in MWII with Gaz & Price

Those are the only two issues I have !

The movement and guns were good, I had a lot of fun, the odd occasional banter between the characters was what I liked too.

Yes the game was rather short and quick, either way I had a lot of fun even if it didn't take me long to complete it.

I was so happy to see Nikolai again, Laswell, Farah and Alex. My bbys ❤️

And part of me also thinks Yuri will replace Soap? But that's me just jumping to conclusions, but I know Yuri will play a bigger role soon!

We just have to be patient.

The Combat Missions:

I actually really liked them, it was different. Sure it was like Warzone / DMZ and I could've easily played them, but it gave you the option to go in stealthy or go in hells blazing. It gave you either those options.

But I also why people dislike the open combat, it isn't for everyone's taste.

You had the opportunity to be each and every person in the Task Force, hell, even be Farah as well.

Overall I liked what they did with it.

I just play the missions and go along with it lol

Vladimir Makarov

Julian did such an amazing job portraying Makarov, he knew what he was doing when he was first revealed I was so excited to see him. He took the role and he ate it up, easily one of the best villains in Call of Duty.

His screen time was very limited, very limited, which I was a little disappointed by. But even when he wasn't on screen, he caused a lot of damage.

But what he did in MW3 was just the tip of the iceberg and I know whatever it'll happen next. There will be bigger plans for his character. And what other plans he'll have in store.

Which I can't wait to see.

Now... Soap's death

I know a lot of people are mad, I hear you, I your feelings are valid. But I suspected something was going to happen to him, back in the mission Makarov said

"I'll be seeing you again MacTavish... I promise."

I may be overlooking at some of the dialogue but I felt like he was the target .

(Refrencing what happened in OG MW3, we knew something would happen.)

Soap Sacrificed himself to save Price from Makaorv, and to save Europe by trying to detonate that Bomb, Price and Gaz finished finished off for him.

Price was in shock because he was almost executed, and also because Soap got shot by him, then shot in the head infront of him.

Ghost's voice and emotion when he said "Johnny." Broke me, I feel like all of them were in a state of shock on what had just happened. Their brain hasn't fully registered or fully processed what happened.

The sad reality of being in the army is that you don't know wether you will die, or your teammate will die. You're juggling your life, and juggling to save innocent lives.

Them releasing his ashes was heartwarming and bitter sweet, may seem corny to others... But Task Force was his only family.

Post end credit - Shepherd & Price

PRICE IN HIS INSANE ERA??? HE WAS SO PISSED. AND RIGHLY SO.

He didn't want to leave any loose ends, and I also feel like Price will also go after Graves next and his shadow company. They're the only thing left standing. But who knows what will happen.

(They did work together to stop Konni, but after all Graves did try to kill TF141, so there's still a grudge)

We all knew Shepherd had to die at some point, it was just a matter of time, when and who would do it. And Price did it.

But the thing makes me think is like ... Laswell allowed Price to wait for Shephed? Did she know what he was going to do? So many questions too.

So many questions left unanswered and I can't wait it'll they're eventually answered

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk 🖤

#call of duty mw 3 #cod mw 3 #call of duty #cod #cod mw #call of duty modern warfare #call of duty modern warfare 3 #cod mwiii spoilers #daily life of brooke

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tricitymonsters · 10 months

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This is mostly taken from my kickstarter update but I wanted to post it here for yall too.

Tri City Monsters has funded at 141% with the help of 273 backers! The total raised was $7,064!!

Firstly, I want to say thank you from the absolute bottom of my heart for helping me make this game. For backers to trust and believe in the project to make pledges literally just makes my stupid little goblin heart swell. I had someone pledge over $300. I had an ARMY of $2 and $5 pledges that did so much heavy lifting together and everything in between. I had snipers down at the last second putting pledges in. It's insane!

Beyond pledges though, I want to specifically thank everyone who took time to play the game on itch, who wishlisted on steam, who talked about it on socials, who drew or made posts or wrote about it. Your effort to get the game seen was fucking HUGE. And it WORKED. TCM doesn't have a formal marketing budget- while I did save up and set aside some specific money this month for blaze posts and some other ad runs, the fact of the matter is that you guys did a ton of heavy lifting and I don't make the kind of money it would take to buy those numbers. (Not a lot of indies do, that's how much you guys pushed).

I want to cringe call out/ profusely thank @booket-png as the game's lead artist but also as a huge and wonderful help in all the design work that's constantly being done with this thing, @epoch-smog for tolerating me posting their drawings constantly, plus @coyoxxtl, @rainmonarch, @mineshaft-birdie, @gedankenmoon ALL of whom are a constant support team and also blorbo crucible who tell me to keep making Kazu taller and his tits bigger like a little pack of shoulder devils when I waffle.

Sometimes they say raising a kid takes a village and I'd like to add that making indie games takes a community. So! Not to belabor the point but THANK YOU!

To business:

As mentioned in during the campaign, I will be using Pledgebox to help me organize orders and move ahead with logistics way later down the line when we get to that point. To reiterate some important dates, here's what the immediate future is kinda going to look like:

I'm happy to report that I've already got a head start on some of the digital rewards

Backer surveys will go out towards the end of July at the earliest, I may push it back a little bit depending but I want to give Kickstarter the full 14 days to collect payments with some buffer.

These surveys will be where you can choose variants for what products you purchased. So if you backed for a daki, you'll be able to choose your character at this point.

Digital rewards will begin filling in July as well. I hope to have the discord space ready for you within a week or two (the tcm server is chill to hang out in anyway but a backer dedicated space will give you instant updates and banter with me as I'm working plus you'll be able to talk about love letter contents and pinups and stuff like that without a lot of worry about spoilers or anything. I hope to see yall there soon!)

The wallpaper pack will be quick to follow this.

I would like to finish all the love letters before I begin releasing them, right now that's also looking to be a late July delivery, possibly early August delivery. I've gotten a couple done already and they're very fun to work on, I think yall will enjoy them a lot! >:3c

Pinups will be on a longer time scale. I have one of three artists confirmed (Atlas will be doing Mori's!) and we're going to go through their schedule to see what their timeframe looks like. Regardless, you can expect updates on that as I make progress.

As far as the physical merch, remember that fulfillment is slated to begin Q1 2024. The process to produce physical goods is long and I want to have plenty of time to carefully go over samples and get through packing and shipping.

Also slated for Q1 is the prologue release! The prologue will be one long introductory chapter featuring all three ROs and will segue into the route of your choosing.

And then, my goal is to update the game each subsequent month with a chapter update to one character's route, cycling through all of them in turn until we can wrap them up.

SO this is my plan for the latter half of 2023 now that the Kickstarter is over but I'm going to pull a Nintendo Direct because I have one final announcement to make.

The Pledgebox will continue to sell TCM merch, including digital stretch goal access, for the next few months while I prepare all of this stuff.

If there's something you missed, you'll be able to add it to pick it up through TCM's Preorder Page

Please be sure to contact me if you have any questions or need clarification regarding the Pledgebox page, you can find me on discord 99% of the time (i'm pockatuck) or message me here!

As always, transparency is a huge priority for me so please expect more updates as all of these tasks get underway!

in TOTAL gratitude,

cloud

#SORRY I'M LONG WINDED I'M A WRITER #i'm SO FUCKING TIRED #if i forgot anyone by name its because i have swiss cheese brain and like 2 braincells #the coffee did not help this morning #but know that i love you

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altschmerzes · 9 months

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Sooo I’ve been wanting to ask this but have also been too nervous to do so for fear of sounding too demanding or fishing for too many spoilers…but after seeing your recent post about being happy to talk about your fics, I’m just going to go for it 😂 I am very curious about how you plan to tackle episode 2x8 and the changes you’ll be making, and just…is there anything you’d be willing to share about all that?

AH YEAH ONE OF THE...... BIGGEST THINGS(TM) IN THIS ENTIRE CONCEPT AND FIC. from the BEGINNING this was gonna be Enormous no matter what and i am happy to talk about it!!! i love when people are invested in my projects tbh it makes it way more fun and engaging to work on them. you guys feed my energy to work on this thing, and thus it gets done faster, etc.

("is there anything you'd be willing to share?" [goes off on a whole big explanation that is probably WAY more than you asked for-])

so. 2x08. and all that. gonna put it under a cut again, in case 'gav explains in some degree of... detail exactly what they're gonna write in their fic' is gonna ruin the experience for you (gosh i hope not ljkdsf) but here we go (also cw for abuse here, which is probably obvious but. still.)-

2x08 is where things like... it marks the big Shift in the status quo of how things are, though the actual Events of 2x08 as translated into the au are sort of in the middle of an extended series of events that begin before it and end after it. so i'll talk through sorta the process of events that it's contained in.

basically, at the time it starts jamie is living with his dad most of the week in manchester but spending weekends staying with his friends in a rotation in richmond so he can work at nelson road on weekends. (yes, i'm aware of how far away those places are from each other. yes this is an insane commute. everybody is aware it's insane, everybody is sort of tactfully avoiding pointing it out to jamie. he does his homework on the bus, it's peaceful, he says.) he gets to richmond late fridays, goes to whichever friend whose house he's staying at that weekend, and then gets home sunday evenings.

at this point, ted is getting way more worried about jamie as time goes on, and others are too. he's been talking to his little like. war meeting of responsible adults he's consulting on whether he's right about what he's suspecting here, what to do about it, how, when, etc. and he's just recently gotten worried enough that he's given his phone number to jamie's friends at the park, shannon and company, and told them that if they're ever worried, if something ever Happens with jamie that sets off that 'i need to get an adult' instinct and they don't know who to call, they can call him. in fact, please call him. and so shannon calls him. because it's like, wednesday or thursday, jamie is not supposed to be in town this early, and he seems hurt. he seems hurt and it seems bad. by the time ted gets there, jamie has bolted and they don't know where he is. and there's just... nothing really to do. he's texting shannon saying he's fine and leave him alone.

and then there's the match at wembley. which is coming up Right Now so they have to deal with that, not like they can postpone it, so they get all the way to the match with this awareness in the back of their heads that like. jamie's out there somewhere having just had a really bad fight with his father, who very obviously based on context clues and what shannon said has beat the hell out of him, he's hurt, but they just have to sort of. keep going. for the moment.

and they lose the match obvs, and jamie went to it with his father - he and some friends are staying in town for a night or two for the event, he got jamie to arrange him tickets a bit back like in canon as well - and comes to see them after because he wants to be there when things are bad too, and that leads to a confrontation when his father comes to find him, and it gets. bad. jamie tries to defend himself but it gets violent, and by the time they're able to intervene he's been. knocked around a bit. (a bit more.)

at that point it's pretty clear that he needs a hospital. it's not life threatening, or anything like that, but it's obvious to ted and roy, who are primarily dealing with this situation (and yeah we get a version of the hug with roy - which scares the fuck out of roy when that's how it becomes clear to him that jamie is Seriously Hurt), that he's not just hurt he's injured and they cannot in good conscience not take him to a hospital. which means doctors and social workers and an overnight stay and a while where they're not allowed in the room with him while the people in charge figure out what's going on and what to do about it. jamie is released from hospital and allowed to go home with ted (and roy, who tags along for a bit, because someone needs to drive them and he can't stomach leaving just yet) late the next evening, but it's a deeply stressful and traumatic experience for all involved. jamie has a lot of healing to do, both physically and emotionally, but this is the big like. turning point towards things Being Okay in the end, finally getting him into a safe place where he'll be loved and cared for.

#gav gab #gav answers #fic: wriggle up on dry land #this is like. the whole 2x08 thing in a nutshell.#'a nutshell' lmao #it's a Lot #abuse cw

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merionettes · 1 month

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part 1 of how rubicon got written is here. this is part 2, aka the essay about etc.

the thing about the storyboarding/drafting process that there is no way to describe is how totally obsessed i was for the duration. afterwards i tweeted something like, this is the closest i've ever experienced to demonic possession. i would get up, write all day—like, all day—and go to bed. turn off the lights. then i would just lie wide awake in the dark with lines and scenes and dialogue scrolling through my head until i gave in and opened my notes app. i could not turn it off even if i wanted to. and i didn't want to, i was riding that streak as far as it would take me. because i couldn't look down, right? i could sense what i was attempting to do and anything other than total tunnel vision full speed ahead eyes on the prize would mean i had to acknowledge it.

(context of what made this possible: i was unemployed at the time.)

for the first ~50k or so i was afraid that at any minute i could falter. when i got to the nationals meltdown, that was when i knew i could do it. like, no matter what happened after that, i had the willpower and the chops and i knew where i was going. even if the streak died.

but it didn't. i wrote 100k in a little under 4 weeks. i've never experienced anything like that in my creative life.

—then obviously i had to get a new job and come back down to earth and it took 21 months to get from there to posting the epilogue. still. i will probably be chasing that high for the rest of my life. that was the part that like… made the rest of it possible. no matter how difficult or frustrating it was. that generated the roadmap.

i've talked about this before in comments but i had insanely strong opinions about what was "right" and what wasn't. sylvain's narrative voice was a huge part of that. it's inextricable from the content; it shaped the story; it is the story. for the first couple months it also made me an unhinged stylistic tyrant. if there was one single unnecessary word that struck me as inorganic, as existing solely to make the sentence more digestible or to convey information beyond the fourth wall, it had to go. i could not rest until it did.

once again: this is not generally the relationship i have with writing. lol. it's the demonic possession talking. this is why you have a ton of sentence fragments and stylistic tics and a refusal to let one single shred of information into the text that did not strike me as something sylvain would plausibly think or acknowledge he was thinking. and like, yeah. probably it didn't always make for the smoothest reading experience or the most satisfying narrative development. i'm dead certain there are people who picked this fic up and the bumps drove them out of their mind until they threw in the towel. i just didn't care.

part of that was a reaction to my own old style—you know, the discomfort of shedding old skin. i'd look at those early scene attempts and see all the habits and crutches i'd been trying to move away from over the last two years and double down on The Voice. but part of it… i would get early feedback that wasn't at all wrong, like "what if [clarifying narration]," "what if [more interaction]," and i'd just think, but that's not true. in exactly those words! which is crazy.

(this is why it was fortunate this was fanfiction i was writing for free, i didn't have to compromise my bonkers experience any more than i wanted to.)

to be clear this feeling didn't last two years. i was eventually able to edit like a normal person. it did last probably longer than ideal. and the point when i was no longer running on unleaded creative adrenaline was when i started to really struggle with the middle of the story. i had to make choices as a writer, instead of relying on the purity of my divine vision or whatever, and i second-guessed myself a lot. it was much easier to feel that absolute bone-deep certainty of Right and Wrong, True and False. and the thought of fucking up when i'd gotten so far was unbearable—like, being so close to making the thing in my head reality and then dropping the ball and breaking the suspension of disbelief.

distance also made it possible to perceive what i was doing and be like, jesus mer what the fuck are you doing. why are you devoting so much of your time to a hobby, why are you investing so much of your life in something you will never be able to truly share, why are you living in a hole with no one else in it. why are you putting yourself through the wringer to get it down "right." why does it matter if it's as good as it can be. why do you care. why is this worth it.

i assume this was pretty obvious before this post, but if not it must be now. this story isn't really about figure skating. for me it's about writing; who knows what it's about for you. i didn't sit down and think, great, felix will be a metaphor. that's just how it happens.

the experience of writing a novel for the first time: i'm saying this with my whole chest because at one point i wouldn't have, aloud. but what's the point in calling it anything else? i know exactly how much i invested in this. i'm the only one who can know. that's sort of the point.

here's a giant collage of the inside of my head. i made it for myself and i take it very seriously. not exactly groundbreaking to say this is the ultimate exercise in solipsism. when you're doing that—what greater gift is there than to have someone else meet you in exactly the same place. any writer would kill for the kind of responses this story has gotten, and i don't mean praise. i mean the close reads, the free response essays, the total and complete validation that this thing inside your head that only you can see is real, actually. when i say thank you, it's not for liking it or praising it—it's for taking it seriously. i loved this thing. i still love this thing. thank you for taking it seriously.

#rubicon #writing

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