#not me literally posting this at 1 am in the morning already scared as fuck

[lillazyboithings]

Fanart for @rickypawtts 's 5 saints AU hehehhehehe

Gosh, I love these two so much, they give me brainrot (I'll draw the others soon teehee)

#not me literally posting this at 1 am in the morning already scared as fuck #not me having like 3 tabs consisting of gore and horror images open for inspo #not me regretting those 3 tabs #ride the cyclone #noel gruber #mischa bachinski #rtc #my art #ride the cyclone fanart #nischa #rtc noel #rtc mischa #📺📹 | ​the five saints | rtc au #i LIVE for your AU boo<333 #gonna draw final boss ghost constance 💪💪💪💪

[aromanticbuck]

hey hey, so im all caught up on chicago pd atm and im looking for a new show to watch.....

all i know about 911/ls is from your blog and the way you talk about it it seems like an awesome show.......maybe convince me to start watching it ? i trust your recommendation (no pressure though !! )

(also is lone star a reboot of 911? a sequel? a same-universe-same-time crossover show ?? i tried to look it up but it didnt really make sense-)

⚡

Hi, anon!

I did see this ask this morning when I woke up, but I didn't want to deal with fighting formatting on my phone at work, or my phone autocorrecting "Lone Star" to "alone Star" every single time (the number of times I've had to correct it is literally.... 100% of the times I've typed it), so I'm finally getting around to it now!

911, the original show, is set in Los Angeles. 911 Lone Star is a spin off show set in the same universe but in Austin, Texas. There are a few nods back and forth between the two, but only one real crossover episode (on Lone Star) that you don't really have to know much about the original for (I watched Lone Star first and I wasn't that confused, but I was already semi-familiar with the OG characters, too, so I might not be the best person to ask on that front)

I'm... still mad about last night's episode of 911. I'm trying to be optimistic that the storyline will play out better than it looks like right now. But as of 6x11, I'm not a huge fan of the original show. Everything up until this point has been really enjoyable, though. I think season 4 was my favorite for a while. Season 6a was really good! The first 9 episodes of season 6? I have very few complaints. Even 6x10, fantastic. I just...

Lone Star is really good, though.

There's a lot of great representation in it - my heart loves Tarlos (if you're following me you like Moustead, right? there's another gay police officer/former drug addict ship! and this one's canon! and getting married!) , and Paul (a black, trans firefighter), and a confirmed(?) bisexual character, too. It's a lot of fun. It's definitely the funnier show of the two, if you want to start with something lighter and see if you enjoy the universe before you get any further into it! (if you do watch Lone Star, and you're as observant as I am, Knox will jump scare you in season 1. just prepare for that. because it startled me)

Honestly, even with my issues with 911 OG right now, it's a lot of fun, too. I know I post a lot about Buck and Eddie and their relationship (not canon! it's not canon! it's queerbait and it's actually a lot of fun to enjoy the crumbs they give us if you acknowledge that! just keep your expectations reasonable and it's fun, I promise), but I love.... literally every character and every ship I've seen so far, besides the Parents? Most of the parents suck.

and Doug Kendall. fuck Doug Kendall. all my homies hate Doug Kendall.

Give it a shot! Even if you only watch a few episodes to get a feel for it, you might have some fun with it! I'm trying not to take it too seriously, because it is just a TV show. Even if it's not 100% perfect, it's something to look forward to every week during long shifts at work!

#answered #⚡ anon #alex says things

[youwantedavillain]

Reva, the Screaming Banshee who Enables and Encourages Slander (part 2)

Continued from part 1....

Now pay attention, my dear readers, because this part is gonna be brought up later on! We have already talked about the fact that I am also a victim of stalking and dogpiling in real life by my IRL friends WHILE I was going through all this shit, so it’s not hard to assume and confirm that I have PTSD when it comes to situations like this. One beautifully tragic morning I had to go to one of my English classes, because surprise surprise, I’m a college student… who is trying to NOT to go into fucking debt by failing. Apparently Reva couldn’t comprehend this,... perhaps didn’t consider bothering in the first place. That morning I had woken up from a nightmare/memory of my Stalker pulling the whole demanding my attention thing during my history class when I was going for my Culinary Degree. Now, waking up from that… and having another boy demand my attention while I was going to English class for my Bachelors for English… well… It’s easy to say that the ‘ol demon of unbridled rage possessed me for a hot minute there. Then he ran off to bash me in a server that I didn’t know about… which is reasonable. I was being a total bitch and I do regret it, but what was the reason for that little demand of my attention?

He thought that I didn’t like him (I did a little bit, but I loathe him now), and he was big upsetti spaghetti because I didn’t complete our little art project with the ship kids that @felicitythekittycat supposedly loathes (it’s not like that art takes literal weeks sometimes months to complete depending on how much detail I put in, if I have homework, if my stalker isn’t demanding my attention every half a second etc.).

It’s also not like I’m scared of being screamed at while I’m already emotionally fragile to the point that a feather could break me.

Truly, I should’ve just given him ALLLLLLLLLLLL my attention.

Also, it’s not like he and @felicitythekittycat literally showed off my mental breakdown later on in that same fucking server for everyone to gawk at and make fun of me… making me the village idiot/joke/pathetic cartoon villain…. Again…..

And I’m the bad guy? Have we all agreed I’m the true villain here? 

(Side note from an emotionally exhausted me: The reason why @felicitythekittycat was supposedly crying that time was because I was trying to guess what version of Nightmare!Sans got its own server AT 1AM, and I'm an insomniac who at the time was in college for my Culinary Degree. Another note that must be made is now I finally know why he called me "one of the most disgusting people he ever had the displeasure of meeting". I find it EXTREMELY odd and disturbing that he continues to act concerned and wonders if I hate him and "unnerved" when I pretend like nothing is wrong when that is often what he and the others do in that server from my perspective. So, when he and the others do it, it's totally normal. But when I do it, suddenly there is a problem that needs to be pushed. During this time he actively knew I had a stalker, BTW.)

Oh, and also apparently, I’m not allowed to vent in my own server of a whole ass 6 people! Because it gets more people involved with a situation that they’re not a part of…. Now where have I heard that before? Hmmmmmmm, maybe we should scroll up this entire post and uh… see if we see something funny. Liiiiiiiiiiike hypocrisy!

This screenshot was about me making a display of taking down my art contest that I made for the server. It was a basic concept and looking back it may have been a bit TOO ADVANCED for the artists there at the time, but who’s to say. Several people, including @felicitythekittycat, were planning on “memeing” the contest, which was that they were gonna all submit the same picture just to be assholes to me. Now I was reasonably mad because one, I thought it was gonna be a fun little contest – it was basically this:

You have to draw a character that isn’t yours – it can be your friend’s, an anime’s, etc., thus basically it could be any character of your choice so long as it isn’t your OC – and you have to draw them in an outfit that is inspired by food. It could be inspired by the texture, the color, shape language, etc. So essentially you could make a piece of your best friend’s character in a suit that is inspired by Tiramisu if you wanted, specifically the colors it has, and thus give it to said friend as a gift.

Yeah, this was gonna be “memed” for…. What reason? I don’t know, other than the fact that I was the one that thought of it.

Here is the second reason why I was upset: There were PLENTY of other art contests similar to it without a single problem going on. My guess for the reason why Reva was so pissed was because he and his cocksucker posse were upset they couldn’t execute it and/or felt guilty for it. Maybe he thought it was funny too. However, a meme/joke is only funny if everyone is laughing,... and I wasn’t laughing.

You also see me being very submissive here… it’s because I didn’t want to get screamed at more. Plus, I was humiliated. It made me feel like it was a bad idea and that I was a bad person for even considering it. I still somewhat feel embarrassed by it. I do have reassurance that my ideas and emotions over this are valid, though it doesn’t do much to heal the damage that was done to my confidence. Again, showing the Emotional Manipulation and fear impacted my actions in this situation. 

The concept isn’t even that strange, there is a Gacha Game called Food Fantasy with this very aesthetic! This concept is very much to HAVE FUN. Hell, League of Legends has an entire skinline with this concept. The point of not doing your own character was to encourage camaraderie and push the artists to get out of their comfort zone by drawing characters that they haven’t done very often. It takes a whole lot of horrific talent to turn something all about fun and camaraderie into something to humiliate a single individual. It is extremely disgusting.

So what do we have here all together?

An Emotionally Abusive and manipulative individual based on the following:

A person who likes to jump into screaming fits, threats of violence, personal insults, and refusing to hear anything other than his own voice, having and abusing a position of power, refusing to be accommodating to a person's trauma, invalidating said trauma, actively tried to get a person to relive that trauma for his personal gain, gets upset over his concept of “peace” being disrupted, does zero self-reflection and constantly imposes unequal rules via a “Rules for thee, but not for me” mentality, refuses to apologize and then actively hides when called out on his bullshit... This is who Reva is. This is how he has ALWAYS BEEN and likely will always be considering that he is hiding right now because "he moved on", a.k.a. refuses to take accountability and actively chose to not let me move on via giving me the answers I so desperately wanted and needed to move on.

But here is where we round out all of this. As I’ve shown before, the vents that he has done were in servers that I had no knowledge of. This is how they were able to talk about me behind my back. He even knew about @felicitythekittycat’s vents. They were in two servers that I didn’t know about and likely had far more people than my little server. I’m guessing that they had anywhere between 10-15 people minimum, could be below or above that line. Blatantly showing that it is because I’m not giving him all my attention and art. He views me as a punching bag and for that, I’m not allowed to complain about anything in his eyes. It’s considered “drama” until it actively affects him when no… this isn’t drama. These are actual problems and real crimes one can be punished for. He doesn’t care that felicitythekittycat pushed me into suicidal ideation and he condoned that behavior by joining in on it, and though his active inaction because here is the kicker… he knew exactly what she was doing and refused to look at any of my evidence until the last minute when he had lost my trust long ago. There was no turning back from that. Especially when he revealed my mental/emotional breakdown to people far outside my trusted circle. That was NOT his pain to share. Anyone in their right mind would be ashamed for doing that much.

Reva, if you’re reading this, which I truly do hope you are, the reason why I never went to you for anything is because I was dealing with so much shit and I was very much wary of men in my life for many, MANY reasons that you have ignored repeatedly and because you started off our “friendship” with an attack. You actively reinforced my fear and wariness towards men. I am not going to pet a dog that tried to kill me when I first met it. I’m also going to be scared of its species, because guess what? That’s what traumatic experiences can do to people, you dumb fuck.

So instead of screaming at me for never going to your immature, unreliable ass for anything… try looking in a mirror and ask yourself if maybe screaming at people when you first meet them is really a good idea and looks good on you. Oh and also, you’d never be a good CEO of Twitter. You’d make Elon Musk’s work look like a paradise. You can barely help run a server for dumbass little roleplays or handle cases of slander, you’d legit run that company to the ground and blame a random Starbucks barista for it. The shit I complained about were legitimate problems, NOT drama. Learn to read the fucking room instead of assuming everything is out to chop your baby chode off with a pair of rusty scissors.

If legitimate slander that is affecting my mental health is what you consider “drama”, then I’d HATE to see what you consider a crime…. Oh wait… I have… because I am the crime.

Me existing is an illegal act to you.

I wouldn’t be surprised if you were waiting with bated breath for me to off myself…. In that case you can keep waiting, motherfucker.

You said me and felicitythekittycat need to improve ourselves. Out of context, that is 100% a fair and understandable statement to make, but when it’s your mouth it came out of, I wonder just how blind you are to your own self-centered, narcissistic bullshit. IT IS OBVIOUSLY MORE THAN A ME AND HER PROBLEM. A TWO YEAR OLD COULD FIGURE THAT SHIT OUT.

I had a temper problem and kept on drawing boundaries. Felicitythekittycat had a habit for crossing them and slandering me behind my back, activities that you actively participated in and perpetuated ON IN TWO OF JESSIRONI'S SERVERS (turns out there are two servers and not just one). It’s like getting mad at a dog for biting your leg when you were the one who kicked it in the first place. You brought in FAR MORE people than I ever did in EVERY SINGLE FUCKING SITUATION THAT HAD ME RELATED TO OR IN IT. But I only had a whole 6 people whereas those secret servers had…. How many spectators? How many participants? You have a whole ass “Rules for thee but not for me” mentality here.

I legitimately hope you never confessed your feelings to that secret someone to spare them the absolute plight of your company. Even imagining you in a relationship makes me want to shit in my hands and clap in your general direction.

Okay I need to talk here straight up because I know that I’ve been losing my cool this entire post and I need to really just sit down and say this. When I was still on relatively… I suppose decent terms with Reva – (I don’t know nor do I believe if I was ever on good terms with him) – I was legitimately terrified of being screamed at and dogpiled virtually at literally any moment. In a way it was worse online because no matter how much evidence I had of felicitythekittycat‘s lies and proof of my innocence, he wouldn’t even look at it, nor would VishaRage or Poke – the owner of said RolePlay server – and I would be left unheard completely. I know that the question of why I have so much evidence and yet never used it to prove my innocence to those who are in power, well this is why. I was never heard. None of them wanted to give me the time of day unless I were the villain time and time again. Why? Well I shit you not… the delivery. I would be sarcastic like “Oh wow I’m such a horrible person” and then give my evidence. They wouldn’t even glance at it. Not even a quick skim of any of the screenshots. Why was I so sarcastic and sassy? I was tired of getting dogpiled and overwhelmed. I was tired of walking on eggshells all day every day with no break from it. So it’s no surprise that I gave up, especially in the last conversation I had with him. In our last conversation, he claimed he was trying to hear my side AFTER I pointed out that he never once tried to hear me out. I told him I didn’t believe him and blocked him. To be honest, I’d love to meet the bastard in real life just to see if he’d actually try to kill me. I’d tell him to just do it, fucking get it over with. There is one sole reason why I think all of this shit happened out of malicious intent and I’ll reveal it at the end of all of this.

I had taken a long break from writing this post not simply because of the holiday but because of the sheer amount of anxiety I get from looking at the screenshots that are about him and all his verbal abuse and threats towards my person. Mind you, I’m used to hearing screaming. I’m used to being bullied, but there is a breaking point and he and felicitythekittycat took full advantage of it and kept sprinting onwards. Killing me would’ve been a mercy.

#tw: depression #tw: threats #tw: mental health #tw: manipulation #tw: stalking #tw: abuse #tw: sui ideation #tw: slander #tw: suidice #tw: verbal abuse #tw: mental illness #tw: mental abuse #tw: emotional abuse #tw: emotional manipulation #tw: emotional breakdown #tw: mental breakdown #Reva #trainerreva #championreva #I fucking held back a mental breakdown through all of this shit. #You're next rage! #same goes for you poke #call out post #undertale #deltarune

[haik-choo]

karasuno boys as boyfriends

a/n: im just basically astral projecting myself into these situations; ALSO if you want more detailed ones, just ask, and you shall receive! (also this is my first post i’ve written on here! but if you want plenty of kpop content i’m @hyucksong where i’ve been writing and I am still active! :))

---

[KARASUNO BOYS AS BOYFRIENDS HEADCANNONS]

-tsukishima, yamaguchi, hinata, kageyama, tanaka, nishinoya, sugawara, daichi, and asahi

---

tsukishima kei.

the type to look you straight in your eyes when you ask for a hug and say “no, who do you think i am, your boyfriend?”

runs his hands through your hair from the front and then when his hand reaches the back of your head he pulls you into him and kisses you either on the forehead or the lips <3

in order to be in a relationship with him you HAVE to have the same type of humor.

i don’t think he could date someone who doesn’t make fun of people with him

you guys are like best friends who make fun of each other and. make out a little every once in a while

he’ll hold your hand and hug you in public but he will NEVER do anything else, especially not in front of the boys

he thinks the blush that ignites on your kissable cheeks should be for his eyes only

he gave you a keychain that had a cute little strawberry shortcake on it. and it’s your most prized possession 

will shoot a glare at anyone who watches you too closely. like no. don’t get googly eyed over MY girlfriend. 

and you don’t have a problem with that ;) 

yamaguchi tadashi.

he likes to watch you when you’re not looking to pick out the little habits you do

he thinks that knowing someone’s little hardly noticeable habits is one of the most intimate things on mother earth

he knows that you stir the milk in the bowl three times before you pour the cereal in to check for chunks because you accidentally drank spoiled milk when you were younger

NEVER has an issue getting you a gift for any occasion. he ALWAYS knows what you’re looking at and what you want and you lowkey think he can read your mind but in reality he just pays attention <3

you’re either just as shy as him to bring out his more assertive side or more assertive than he is to bring out his more timid side -- both are good

kisses you on the forehead and holds your hand in public -- he loves PDA because he can show you off :’)

yes. he kisses the back of your nape in public. so what. 

YES. HE CLOSES HIS EYES WHEN HE DOES IT AND ACCIDENTALLY INHALES YOUR SCENT AND WHISPERS IN YOUR EAR THAT YOU SMELL GOOD. IDC IF YOU THINK THAT’S CREEPY. IT’S CUTE. YES. HE GIVES YOU THAT LOOK THAT SAYS HE’S CRAZILY IN LOVE WITH YOU. SO WHAT.

kageyama tobio.

he probably fell in love with you because you were just as passionate about something else as he is about volleyball; music, drawing, writing, math, science, reading -- whatever

i see this relationship as being one that’s like...accelerated friends. like,,, you act like him and hinata except you kiss sometimes and he can see you at the end of the wedding aisle

DEFINITELY reads cosmopolitans once you start dating because he wants to be a good boyfriend for you <3

PDA is literally little to NONe,,, not because he doesn’t like it...it’s just because he doesn’t realize that he’s not showing you affection lololol

like in one arm he has his athletic duffel bag and the other he has a volleyball

he doesn’t mean to neglect you he just does AGAGAG

realized he liked you when he thought about you when he was drinking his milk and mindlessly bought you one too

the first time y’all kissed. he literally stared at you so intensely for a SOLID ten minutes debating in his head whether or not he should just go for it or wait or just smash his face into yours and hope your lips connect

he chose to cross his fingers and ended up smashing his forehead and nose into yours 

it was cute tho <3

hinata shoyo.

YALL HAVE DATES WHERE YOU BABYSIT HIS SISTER. WTF SO CUTE

when yall cuddle and you’re the little spoon he likes to put his head on your shoulder/between your neck and watch as you scroll through tiktok or instagram and just mindlessly talk about his day 

the type of boyfriend where neither of you can cook and you both confusedly look at recipes on google like: ????? wtf is the difference between brown sugar and regular sugar

it’s his INSTINCT to hold your hand. no matter what. his hand just...gravitates to yous.

AND HIS LIPS JUST FIND YOUR CHEEK??? like it’s so natural to him to kiss your cheek when he sees you, even in public. it’s so adorable i--

THE TYPE OF GUY TO WIPE OFF FOOD FROM THE CORNER OF YOUR MOUTH AND STILL EAT IT AND SAY “you taste good!~” AND NOT EVEN REALIZE WHAT HE SAID. BUT WHEN YOU DO IT TO HIM HE BLOWS A FUSE

he loves to tickle you. like you’ll be vibing, drinking whatever you drink in the morning and he’ll come up to you all casually and kiss you cheek...and then he’ll pounce 

he holds you close to his chest when he tickles you, partally because he likes feeling your laugh vibrate on his chest, and partially because it’s easier to not get tickled if he’s right behind you

his sister LOVes you and it just. makes him so happy

tanaka ryuunosuke.

you CANNOT remove his hand from your ass. it is permanently glued there. it is attached to you. yes, even in public.

number 1 hypeman! he will always support you, no matter what! you could be in a competition to raise the biggest beetle and he’ll be there rooting you on and staying up late with you as you rear your award-winning beetle

you two lay next to each other on the couch/on his bed and he’ll have his arm around you and you’ll lay your head on his chest as you watch netflix shows

YOU, NISHINOYA, AND TANAKA? UNSTOPPABLE TRIO. POWER TRIPLET. 

i don’t imagine him being shy when he first kisses you; the first time he kissed you, you were literally just. existing and he literally just...couldn’t hold it in...and he just went for it

literally CATAPULTS himself into you and kisses you senseless

yes you and saeko are besties she gives you ALL the tea about young tanaka

the type to take off his shirt more during practice if you’re there watching, and literally BURN red if you mention anything about his muscles

you once traced a vein in his arm and commented on how hot it was and he literally short-circuited 

kiss his biceps. kiss his abs. kiss his cheek. please. it’s all he wants. he’s touch-starved

nishinoya yuu.

SUCH an excited boyfriend

like he seriously gets so hype doing ANYTHING with you pleaSE give this man an award. you’ll be at the amusement park and the line to get into a ride will be three hours and he’ll be like

“I get to spend three hours with you?!! fucking sick! absolutely radical!” 

he’s bold in public, but only because he wants to rub you in his teammates faces, but his ears will be Red

at home, he’s calmer :) he just loves to spend time with you, even if you’re sitting on a bench watching him practice receives for five hours straight in the blazing sun. 

he just treasures your time so much, you treats you like a precious gem -- he will NEVER treat you wrong. deadass has no problem admitting when he’s wrong -- but if he thinks he’s right then he WILL stand his ground

he’s a passionate man, who loves just as passionately.

his favorite time to kiss you is after you’ve taken a sip of a soda because he likes the taste of the syrup and the burn of the carbonation, but most of all because he likes the taste of your lips in combination with all of them

NIPS AT YOUR EAR. DEADASS JUST LOOKS AT YOU BRUSH A PIECE OF HAIR BACK WHEN YOU’RE DOING HOMEWORK AND IS LIKE “free real estate” AND C H O MPS

the day nishinoya told everyone yall were dating, kiyoko stopped you in the hallway and deadass got on her knees and thanked you LITERALLY she was like “i’ll buy you anything. give the word and it’ll be yours.” 

sugawara koushi.

would kiss you on the first date. deadass. he’ll just drop you off at your doorstep and you’re still high on adrenaline, and you’re lowkey hoping he’ll kiss you and you get  little disappointed when he doesn’t and then when you least expect it. bam. his lips on yours

his smell oh god, he literally smells like fresh sugar cookies. it’s like as soon as you get anywhere near him his smell just invades you nose and. you’re powerless. you just wanna hug him

never smells bad. try me, bitch. NEVER.

his hugs are literally god’s gifts. he loves hugging you. he just completely envelopes you with his pretty setter arms and his smell takes up all the space in your head and nothing else exists for that moment, just you two

loves tucking your hair behind your ears or just moving it out of your face; doing homework and your bangs are in the way? not for long because he’ll clip them up for you <3

he’s pretty mischievous and will playfully put his hand next to your head and lean down with such a HOT look in his eyes 

and he’ll say some shit like “i wanna devour you” and then he’ll laugh afterwards and give you a kiss on the forehead and you’re standing there. like -.- o.o -.- o.o

whenever he feels insecure about his position on the team, you’re always there to comfort him and he’ll just lay between your legs and rest his face on your stomach as you comb your fingers through his hair and scroll through tiktok

PDA? yes please. uh huh. mhmm. he doesn’t care who sees his love for you he just wants to love on you baby. kisses you on the lips, no problemo

daichi sawamura.

you and suga are the only ones who can scare him when yall are mad lol

boyfriend where you’ve dated for like a year but it feel like 50 have already passed. in a good way!

this relationship is so ungodly domestic. like from the first day it’s just pure comfort and he’s like your rock and you’re his anchor

you two bicker a lot but it’s lighthearted and you just feel so secure with him that poking fun at him and at yourself is just natural

daichi. gives. god. hugs. he does. it’s fact. 

his arms are just so big and he has so much body warmth and he probably smells like some bullshit cologne like “smoldering woods” and it’s just so. daichi

you two spend the night at each other’s house so often it’s like you already live with each other and people always forget that you don’t lolol

totally sleeps with his shirt off and only with underwear. isn’t awkward about it either;  when he wakes up he puts on sweats but still remains topless (not that you’re complaining)

you two are like. the strict parental couple, when you walk together whether it be down the street or in the hallways, you just look so right for each other it’s. mind blowing

doesn’t mind kissing you a little in public but really thinks that stuff should be for private; so normally he just kisses your temple and always has an arm either around your shoulder or around your waist

WHEN THE TEAM SEES YOU KISS ON THE LIPS THEY GO “EW” EVEN SUGA AND ASAHI AFIEFHEWIF

asahi azumane.

literal fucking teddy bear. god please cuddle him. please kith him. please comb through his hair with your fingers and kiss his nape and kiss the back of his head. please i beg of you.

did NOT ask you out first. he wrote love letter to you and then waiting behind the gym because he thought being near the volleyball gym would give him some luck and them you got in front of him and he was. deer in the headlights

needless to say you asked him out and kissed his cheek. he DIED

even once yall are comfortable in the relationship he still needs reassurance every once in a while because he’s a little insecure, not that you’ll leave him for someone else, but that he’s not good enough

his PDA skill are. subpar. he usually just holds your hand and that’s it, but sometimes kisses the corner of your eye or nose and you just combust

OH RIOGEH TOTALLY DOES BUTTERFLY AND BUNNY KISSES. YES GOD YESSSSS

when yall cuddle he doesn’t like spooning. he likes to be able to see your face and the expressions you make, so doesn’t like being the little or big spoon; yall face each other and just lets your head lay on his arm even tho it’s numb. im: soft

kisses are so sweet, slow, and hesitant. he doesn’t really kiss you often because he has terrible timing but...when he does it’s like the whole world just becomes still in that moment and nothing matters but his hands on your waist and yours in his hair 

#haikyuu #tsukishima x reader #tsukishima fluff #kageyama x reader #kageyama fluff #hinata shoyo x reader #hinata shōyō #yamaguchi x reader #yamaguchi fluff #tanaka x reader #tanaka fluff #nishinoya x reader #nishinoya fluff #sugawara x reader #sugawara fluff #daichi x reader #daichi fluff #asahi x reader #asahi fluff #haikyuu headcanons

[theinvisiblecapricorn]

Surprise.. Surprise.. Final Part.

Warning: Mentions of body insecurity, lots of fluff. No smut, sorry. Perhaps in the future?

Final Part.

// Y/N's POV //

‘’ Care to join me in the shower? It’ll save water and I would love to see you in your natural thirst trap habitat. ‘’ Vinnie blushes. I haven’t seen him blush before and it’s cute and hot at the same time.

‘’ You... you want me to? I mean... it’s no big deal. We live in a house full of people who work. We earn enough money so don’t you worry about the water bill; I can stay here and shower when you’re d...’’

I pull him closer to me as I stare into his eyes. I ghost my lips over his.

‘’ Vin, I want you to join me in the shower. I’ve been waiting for this long enough. Please join me, I promise I won’t bite. ‘’ I wink at him as I give him a quick peck on the lips. He moans against my lips.

Before I can say anything else, I feel Vinnie pull me into his bathroom and locking it.

// Vinnie’s POV //

I pull Y/N into my bathroom and lock the door.

We start making out like crazy and I can’t complain. Some people may think we’re rushing, but you have to understand, we’ve known each other for more than a year now and Y/N knows me in a way people I’ve known my entire life don’t even know me. So, if anyone has something to say about it, they kiss my ass.

I undress, leaving my boxers on while Y/N get rid of her trousers. I can see doubt on her face as she carefully takes off her shirt. I take her hands in mine as I stare into her eyes.

// Y/N’s POV //

While we’re getting ready to hop into the shower, nerves take over my body.

I’ve always struggled with a lot of insecurities. My body being one of them. But I didn’t have to face this insecurity before, because I’ve never been in an intimate situation. My entire body is screaming YES when I look at Vinnie, but my heart is clearly saying NO. I notice Vinnie looking at me as I start to panic.

I feel him take my hands into his own as his hazel eyes stare into mine.

‘’ Hey, we don’t have to do this, okay? Remember I told you, we can shower separately, and afterwards we can watch a movie and get some snacks or something. ‘’ I hate myself. Vinnie is literally everything I could’ve wished for. He always makes sure I’m okay with everything and if not, he will do anything until I am. He always does. And here I am, making a fool out of myself. I’m the one who came up with the idea of showering together, now I’m the only one who’s still fully clothed.

Vinnie puts his hands on my cheeks as he softly kisses my nose. I blush.

‘’ I’m sorry, I’ve just never done this before, and I’m just scared that if I undress that you won’t like what you’ll see. ‘’ My eyes get watery. Of course, as if it wasn’t embarrassing enough already.

Vinnie takes a step closer as he rests his forehead against mine. Wiping away the tears that scroll over my cheeks.

‘’ I love every single part of you, in and outside. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, because to me, you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid my eyes on. And I don’t want to put you in a situation that makes you uncomfortable, okay? One step at a time, baby. ‘’ He softly smiles at me.

‘’ Show me that beautiful smile of yours, please. ‘’ I stare at my hands before I return a smile.

// Vinnie’s POV //

She returns a smile. I give her quick, but loving kisses on her lips, cheeks and forehead.

‘’ I love you. Never forget it. ‘’

‘’ Love you back, never forget it. ‘’

I turn away from her as I open a cabinet and pull out two towels for Y/N. One to dry her hair and one to dry of her body. When I turn around, Y/N is completely naked. I can’t help but stare.

My entire body starts to heat up and my heart is pounds into my throat. I shake my head as I return my gaze to Y/N’s face.

‘’ Do you still want to join me in the shower? It’s okay if you don’t want to. ‘’ She shyly smiles at me as I nod.

// Y/N’s POV //

Vinnie and I step into the shower. I give Vinnie space so he can get under the shower head, but he pulls me under it as well.

‘’ Like you said, we need to save water. ‘’ He winks at me. He takes his shampoo bottle out of the shower basket and squirts some of it into his hands. He rubs his hands together and looks at me, his eyes asking permission as I nod.

He turns me around, my back facing him as hands gently massage my scalp as the shampoo starts foaming in my hair. It smells like mint, the scent of comfort. Vinnie.

He washes the shampoo out of my hair. Once it’s all washed out, he takes a bit of shampoo for himself as well while rubbing it into his own hair.

After a while, we’re both out of the shower, drying our bodies and put on some comfortable clothes. Me putting on Vinnie’s T-shirt he lend me earlier on. I walk towards his bed as I see Hera laying on it. I gently pet her belly as she starts to purr.

‘’ She likes you. Like owner, like cat. ‘’ I giggle as Hera licks my hand.

Vinnie puts on his led lights and turns on his computer.

‘’ I promised the fans I would stream for a bit tonight. It won’t take long and by the looks of it, you won’t have time to give me attention as well. ‘’ Hera places herself on my lap.

‘’ Yea, please don’t let me take your time with your fans away. I have this little lady to keep me company. ‘’

// Vinnie’s POV //

Once my computer is turned on, I begin to stream on Twitch. I post a picture on my snapchat and Instagram stories telling everyone I’m live. I look at Y/N one more time before turning towards my game.

‘’ Hey everyone, I hope you guys are having an amazing night so far. We’re going to play a bit of VALORANT tonight. ‘’ The comment section filling up with fans asking me all types of questions and the usual thirst comments.

I’m 30 minutes in as I hear Y/N giggle from behind me, I turn around and see Hera laying on her back completely covering Y/N’s belly. I stare in aw before telling the chat that I have to go to the bathroom. I stand up and walk straight up to Y/N. I bend down to give her a little kiss.

‘’ I miss you ‘’

‘’ I’m not going anywhere, Vin. I’ll still be here, once you end the stream. ‘’ I love this woman.

‘’ I know, just making sure you miss me as well. ‘’

‘’ ‘Course I do. ‘’

I blow her a kiss as I walk back to my computer. I look at the comment section and see everyone freaking out.

‘’ Who’s in laying in his bed? ‘’

‘’ WAIT, HE KISSED HIM/HER???!!!!’’

‘’ Is Y/N with you right now? ‘’

I smile as I see everyone talking about Y/N and I. All positive comments, luckily.

‘’ Yes guys, Y/N’s here with me. She flew in this morning as a surprise. Isn’t she the cutest? Thank you, guys, for all the support and nice comments. I appreciate it. Alright, enough of the simping let’s fuck some people uppp. You feel me? ‘’ I continue to play the game for at least an hour more before getting into bed with the love of my life. Finally, in my arms.

The end.

I hope you guys enjoyed this story. Let me know what you thought of it. Requests are open. :)

Click here for previous part:

#vinnie hacker imagine #vinnie hacker angst #vinnie hacker blurb #vinnie hacker x you #imagine vinnie hacker #vinnie hacker smut #vinnie hacker #vinnie x reader #vhackerr #tiktokers #fluffy #angst #smut #pov

[elliesguitarstrings]

Silence (Part 1/Prologue)

Peter Parker x stark!reader

Summary: You and Peter have been best friends ever since he stepped foot into the avengers compound. After a year of being friends you realize you’ve developed a crush on him, but he doesn’t feel the same way... at least, you don’t think he does.

A/N: This is my first ever post so idk how many people will see it but if you do feel free to send in any requests for Tom Holland or any of his characters and tell me if you like this story - part 2 coming soon!

Warnings: language, awkwardness, a little bit of fluff

italics mean flashbacks

~~~~~~~~

Today was a special day. Well, to you that is. To everyone else, it was just a normal Saturday. But to you, and hopefully to Peter too, it was special.

Today marks one year of you and Peter first meeting. One year since he walked through the glass elevator doors of the Avengers Compound. One year since you met your best friend. You remember it like it was yesterday.

Waking you up from a deep sleep, you hear a loud knock on your door, one you recognized only to be your dad’s.

He opens the door and peeks his head in.

“Hey, get up and come into the living room. There’s someone I want you to meet.”

Barely awake, you respond, “No, let me sleep. It’s too early for this shit.”

“Watch your language young lady! Now get your ass out of bed and be out in ten minutes.”

He walks away, not even bothering to close the door.

You groan into your pillow and proceed to throw it across the room as you reluctantly get out of bed.

Lately you’ve been fed up with everyone in the compound, and you’re taking out all your anger on them. But what else are you supposed to do? Everyone treats you like a kid, but they still expect you to act like an adult. They don’t let you go on missions, but they still make you train. They don’t let you go to actual school, but they make you study twice as hard. Everyone is just so hard on you, especially your dad, and you’re fucking done with it.

You walk into the bathroom and pull your hair up into a quick ponytail, not bothering to brush your mess of hair. Hastily, you brush your teeth and splash some water on your face in an attempt to make yourself look somewhat alive, but the dark circles are still extremely noticeable. You walk back into your bedroom and think about changing out of your hoodie and shorts, but you decide against it. You look halfway decent, and whoever it is that your dad wants you to meet certainly can’t be so important that you have to change into something nice.

After a quick look in the mirror, you slowly make your way into the living room, dreading the coming interaction with another one of your dad’s boring co-workers.

However, when you look up and see a teenage boy sitting next to your dad on the sofa, your mood changes.

Your dad stands up and turns to you, gesturing at the boy.

“Y/N, this is Peter Parker, Spiderman, whatever you want to call him. He’s the newest addition to the team, and he’s moving into the compound in a few days. He’s the same age as you, so I thought you should show him around. So be nice.”

Peter blushes and smiles, giving you a small wave.

Suddenly you regret not changing.

He’s cute. So fucking cute. He has fluffy brown hair, brown puppy dog eyes, the cutest smile, and he’s your age. Your age. Everything about him is perfect.

Realizing that you have been staring for probably a little to long, you speak up.

“Um, hi Peter, I’m Y/N. Uh, it’s- it’s nice to have you here. Sorry I look like shit.”

“Oh, um, thanks.” Peter responds, just as awkwardly as you.

“You don’t look like shit by the way,” he adds, “you look pretty.”

You smile, about to say thank you when your dad interrupts.

“Well, that was really fucking awkward, but I think you two are going to get along just fine. I’ll leave you two lovebirds to it then, see ya around.”

He winks at you as he leaves to go to his lab, and you roll your eyes in return, mentally hitting yourself at how embarrassing this whole interaction has been so far.

You turn to Peter, “So, uh, why don’t I show you around and you can meet everyone.”

“Sounds good to me!” he smiles.

You start in the kitchen and show him around the compound: the movie room, the game room, the pool, the sun room, the training room, the labs, and the bedrooms, introducing him to all of the Avengers along the way. Finally, you stop at the largest spare bedroom, which happens to be right across from yours.

“This is probably gonna be your room. No one really uses it right now but since it’s the biggest one I thought you might want it.”

“Oh, um, thanks, but even the smallest room here is like ten times bigger than my room, so I’d be happy with anything. But since it’s across from you, I’ll take it.”

You blush, not sure if he’s flirting with you or just trying to be nice. Either way, it’s not helping your already developing crush on him.

“So, um, that’s the tour I guess. What do you want to do now?” you ask, hoping he doesn’t want to leave so you can spend more time with him.

“Well Happy isn’t taking me back home until three, so we still have a few hours to do whatever. It doesn’t matter to me.”

“Do you just want to hang out in my room? Maybe watch a movie?”

“Sure! Sounds great!”

The two of you walk across the hall to your room and you open the door, regretting again your poor choice to not clean up this morning. Your bed was a mess, your clothes were strewn everywhere, and your desk was piled high with papers and books.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, my room is such a mess.” you exclaim, rushing to push your clothes in the corner and hastily pull your covers up in a sad attempt to make the bed.

Peter smiles and laughs, “Don’t worry, if you think this is messy, you should see my room. This is nothing.”

You laugh as well, sitting down on your bed and grabbing the TV remote. You pat your bed, motioning for Peter to sit down next to you.

“Y- you want me to sit next to you? Like on your bed?” he asks, clearly shocked.

“Oh, um, yeah. But only if you want. You can sit on the beanbag chair over there instead, I guess. I just thought the bed would be more comfortable. And you would be able to see the TV better.”

“Oh, um, ok. That’s fine.”

He makes his way over to your bed and sits next to you, and you silently turn on the TV, starting to overthink everything.

There was a boy. On. Your. Bed. You weren’t doing anything, but still. You suddenly realized how little interaction you’ve had with people your age. Even girls. You didn’t go to school, so you only hung out with the Avengers. The closest person to your age was Wanda, and even she was a lot older than you.

‘Am I being too forward?’ you started to think to yourself. ‘Should I have not asked him to sit on my bed? What is he thinking right now? Oh my god, this is so bad. He probably thinks I’m so weird. He probably hates me. Fuck.’

When you see him looking in your direction, you decide to stuff the thoughts in the back of your head and try to act as normal as possible.

“So, what should we watch?” you ask.

“Um, do you, uh... do you like Star Wars?”

“Are you kidding me? I LOVE Star Wars!” you exclaim, the tension and awkwardness easing slightly.

“Really? My favorite is A New Hope.”

“No shit! Mine too!”

“Then A New Hope it is I guess!”

You turn on the movie, smiling, and you notice that he scoots a little closer to you, seemingly more comfortable.

A few minutes into the movie, Peter breaks the silence between you two and asks, “So what’s it like living with the Avengers?”

“Oh,” you look away from the TV, “it’s cool I guess. But after a while it’s gotten pretty boring. And really frustrating.”

“Frustrating? Why?”

“It’s just, well, they treat me like a kid all the time. And before you say it, yes, I know I am a kid, but it’s still annoying. There’s no one here even close to my age, I mean fuck, Thor’s like 1500 years old. And none of them know how to talk to me. They act like I’m a toddler even though I’m literally sixteen and they never let me go on missions with them, because they don’t think I’m ready even though I’ve been training since I was like ten – “

You cut yourself off, realizing you’ve been ranting for probably a little too long.

“Sorry about that,” you mumble. “It’s just that I haven’t really had anyone to talk to about this.”

“No! Don’t be sorry. That fucking sucks. Not gonna lie, you’re kinda making me regret moving here if that’s how everyone’s gonna treat me,” he laughs.

“They’re not gonna treat you like that.”

“Why wouldn’t they? I’m the same age as you.”

“Because. You’re a fucking superhero. They don’t give a fuck about your age if you can climb walls and shoot spider webs out of your hands.”

“Well, even if they don’t treat me like a kid then I’ll still back you up.”

He puts a hand on your shoulder and smiles. You blush and smile back.

“Thanks”

“Of course.”

He scoots even closer to you so that your shoulders are barely touching. If this had happened five minutes earlier, you would be freaking out. But now, something is different. You aren’t sure what, but you suddenly feel more calm and comfortable with him around.

You finish the rest of the movie in silence, and you realize you let your head fall onto his shoulder. You were scared he would push your head away, but he didn’t care.

“You awake?” he asks.

“Oh, yeah, sorry. I just didn’t get much sleep last night and my dad woke me up early, well, to meet you.”

He smiles down at you, and suddenly your dad bursts through the door. You scramble to sit up, lifting your head off Peter’s shoulder.

“Hey kid, Happy’s here to – oh?” He stares at the two of you sitting next to each other in your bed, both blushing. “Jesus, you’ve only just met and you already slept together? At least tell me you used protection.”

“DAD, OH MY GOD, NO!” you exclaim, blushing even harder now.

“Mr. Stark, I promise. We- we were just watching a movie. Nothing happened!” Peter assures him.

“Sure, sure,” your dad winks at the two of you.

“Dad, seriously. Nothing happened!” you groan in frustration.

“Whatever. Anyways, Happy’s here to take you back to Queens Pete. Be down in five.” He leaves the room.

“God, that was fucking embarrassing,” Peter laughs getting up from the bed.

“That’s my dad for you.”

You both walk to the door, and before you leave the room, you give him a small hug.

“I’m glad you’re moving in, Peter.”

“Me too,” he smiles, “Friends?”

“Definitely.”

You smile thinking back on the memory. After that day, you and Peter have spent almost every hour of every day together. You’re rarely ever apart, even at night. You sleep with him in his bed, and he sleeps with you in yours. The rest of the team bugs the two of you to get together, but you both agree that you are just friends.  Best friends cuddle with each other and kiss each other’s foreheads and play with each other’s hair, right?

#peter parker #peter parker fluff #peter parker smut #tom holland #peter parker x reader #marvel #tom holland fluff #tom holland smut

[i8jisoo]

𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐘 𝐊𝐈𝐃𝐒 ⇉ skz with pregnant!reader 

changbin x reader | part three of dad!skz

↬ genre; fluff & angst for a lil bit woo

↬ warnings; talk of perinatal depression, cursing, n labor 

↬ notes; changbin babi 🥺  ALSO ITS CHANGBIN DAY WOOO ITS MY BABYS BDAYYYYY SO I HAD TO POST THIS |

u two had just freshly started an official, public relationship

ofc changbin was freaking out while he was chilling in the bathtub behind the curtain so u could pee on the test already

u two were looking at the line coming in, praying that there would be only o n e 😳

slowly the other line comes in, dark blue n clear alongside the other one

“holy fuck—“

“what do we do?” you asked, your voice wavering while setting the test back down

his hands cupped your face, giving u a soft kiss n hugging you

“we got this, we’re having a baby, baby!” he started to joke and yall burst out laughing while crying in the bathroom

the first few months were amazing

ur lil bump sprouted out n u two were so happy about it

changbin is just so attentive and excited about this pregnancy and his first born

u really couldn’t have been better with ur lil family that was starting to become realer with each day

u two r such bullies yall r like

“what happened? ur a softie now binnie!!”

n he’d say shit like, “well at least i don’t pee every hour on the clock!!”

he makes u cry one time n u use that against him everytime u want something bc he feels guilty >:)

cute lil things like asking the baby what they want to eat or talking to it before the bed

(changbin reads the baby goodnight moon one time and ur just so in love like wow 🥺)

he secretly talks to the baby when you sleep every night because hes waiting for when ur little bean will reply back with a kick or a hand

he is W H I P P E D for u n ur baby bump

nursery is already done at five months

he needs all of the boys to come over though to help him figure out the instructions 😳 these are co nfusi ngg

they notice how smiley n giggly he is when he talks about u two and looking at the finished crib hes just so proud

yall r so happy and content with ur baby that was an accident, but u guys are so happy this happened

but something changes within u

changbin notices your lack of interest in the pregnancy during ur sixth month

ur sleeping pattern was off n u would sleep for hours during the day and night

u were very irritable, not wanting changbin to cuddle with u or kiss u like he did everytime he came back from practice :(

u were always unhappy and always so moody, he just wanted u to be happy 🥺

he is so confused and worried ab u, some days ur not eating or some days u don’t even wake up in the mornings like u used to

sometimes— just sometimes he’d come back home to find u in the same spot, asleep

he’s so fucking scared when ur around seven months that he can’t hold it in anymore

“are—are you okay?” he questions u from the doorway, making u stop to look at him in the mirror

ur eyes were cold, setting down the towel u were drying ur hair with and leaving him by himself while heading into ur bedroom

“don’t you dare fucking walk away from me.”

ur s h oo k

he was really nice during the pregnancy everyday, super bubbly and kind so u were shocked to hear his upset tone

“i can and i will, i’ll just go sleep in another fuckin room.” u mumbled, changbin grabbing ur hands and turning u around to face him

u struggle for a bit while ur arguing with him and telling him to let go so u could go to sleep

“stop! i am your boyfriend, i am the only one who is going to care for you like this. i am the only one who is dying, seeing you like this. do you understand? we’ve been through seven months of this together, it was fine for awhile and now you’re fucking turning me away?”

hes shouting at this point, hes just so pissed after three months of not having answers and your attitudes and arguments, he cannot handle it

u start crying

hes quick to hold you, pulling u down to the bed so u don’t have to stand on ur tired feet anymore

“i don’t know what’s wrong with me.” 🥺🥺🥺

he insists u two will find out n u both will get thru this rough patch together

perinatal depression, they diagnosed u

changbin is so upset when he hears the doctors tell u

everything is making sense to him and he’s just so heartbroken he didn’t put two and two together earlier

he takes time off for the time being to make sure ur taking care of urself

hes watching u like a hawk but trying not to make it evident

the first time u ask him for a kiss, he gives u dozens

he hadn't been asked for kisses in so long he was so relieved 🥺

he’s constantly telling u how beautiful u r and talking to ur bump about how they have the best genes and their uncles

this man is a father already it seems

he is ur #1 face mask partner cause he buys the cute ones only because u deserve the cute ones that r ur favorite ◝(ᵔᵕᵔ)◜

cooking together is something that happens, not often but every once in awhile he will let u do small things

cut up some lettuce? sure! pour in the soup broth? of course u can! taste test his food? always.

he wants to make sure ur comfortable with him touching u or kissing u or what hes saying

“i love you.” he’s mumbling, quickly placing a kiss against the fabric of one of his own shirts that was worn by u and fit u like a dress still

he then goes up to ur cheek n presses a kiss to it, ur hand cupping his jaw and letting him kiss ur lips >.<

also u guys let out a quiet talk of pregnancy to the public, letting jyp release a notice on changbin’s absence from live-streams and posts with the boys

u two received a lot of positive feedback which changbin let u read the positive ones n loved when u smiled at each one

u were overdue by a week which was the worst, ur back hurt and u had migraines

u also were put on bed-rest for the next week before u could be inducted

u guys waited out the week and u got scheduled for an induction

the labor was really slow which sucked because u just wanted to hold ur baby already :(

rly intimate moments like chan just holding u n rocking u like a baby

u guys are given this position to move the baby down, your knees on the ground so u could kneel against the bed and changbin would hold ur hips n rock them

he just feels so bad he can’t do anything to help u with the pain 🥺

yall kinda vibing with the hospital food (idk bout yall but some food from hospitals smack chile)

“i just want to go home.” :(

u bet ur ass he scoots into ur hospital bed, holding ur hands n u just cry into his shoulder

he feels like his heart is being torn to pieces when he listens to u cry out of pain

his free hands holds your jaw, making u look up at him

“we’re almost done baby, okay? i know it hurts, if i could i would take your pain in a heartbeat. you are incredibly strong and i’m so proud of you. you just need to hang in here for a few more hours, yeah? you think you can do that?”

u give him the weakest smile ever but its better than nothing

u reach 10cm!!!

now the part that wasn’t fun was the pushing :/

u were hurting, u were tired, and u had been promised almost seven times that all u need was one more push but no matter what, it seemed like the baby wasnt budging

“the cord is wrapped around the neck, we need you to stop pushing. okay?”

ur too tired and stopping the pushing sounded good so u did as they said but when they told u they needed to actually reach in and unwrap it ur blood ran cold

u both were worried about how much u could take

u screamed, god it hurt and it felt like hours of them twisting but it was a mere minute

the labor progressed n there it was

“a girl!”

u two are like faucets or waterfalls

shes literally the perfect mixture of u both 🥺

he washed her hair n helped wrap her up in a blanket, giving her over to u for the first time

u both were just in love with her, she was absolutely perfect

he’s obsessed with her, taking in that baby scent, the scent of the light baby shampoo and the bit of baby powder that lingered throughout her onesie

her hair wooooww its so soft n fluffy

her little baby pout and her puffy cheeks

i can see him calling her bunny for awhile as a childhood nickname

he’ll just be like

“oh that’s my bunny!!”

weird look from u but ur heart melts while he bounces her in his arms n gives her some kissies and running his fingers thru her hair

he’s also rly soft, i don’t see him singing but i see him definitely whispering to her about how she’s gonna grow up and have the best life because thats his little girl

“ur gonna have eight uncles, they are crazy but it’s okay. u definitely lucked out on fathers though, i’m pretty good at lullaby's. u did get great genes too, u have a handsome daddy and a gorgeous mommy. we worked really hard on making u, please don’t hurt ur cute little face. u also have a storm coming, there’s a thing called stays, they are gonna adore you, i promise.”

omgomgomgomg jejejejeje im blushing at the thought of this i just adore dad changbin 

u guys may or may not be planning for another but it definitely would happen in a few years

©️ maysdiors 2020 :: all rights reserved. do not repost my work on tumblr or other platforms.

#stray kids #stray kids scenarios #stray kids imagines #stray kids x reader #changbin #seo changbin #changbin x reader #skz x reader #pregnant!reader #stray kids fluff #stray kids angst #stray kids au #skz fluff #skz angst #skz au #dad!skz #dad!stray kids #bangchan #minho #lee know #hyunjin #jisung #han #han jisung #felix #felix yongbok lee #seungmin #i.n #jeongin x reader #jeongin

[marumafan]

A Guide For Yuuram Fans

Hello fellow yuuram fan! Have you ever caught yourself thinking:

- Does Yuuri like Wolf? - No, but I mean like "Does he REALLY like Wolf?" - Am I getting invested just to find out it's clickbait? - Is Yuuri ever going to accept Wolf's feelings? - Does Yuuri like guys? - Will they get married or not?

You have questions? I have source material-backed answers!

The Basics

First, you need to understand that there's a variety of so-called canons. There's an anime canon, a manga canon, a drama cd canon, a musical canon, and then some other random things that you can't really call canon but exist: such as games, radio shows, tv stuff not written by the author, etc.

All of these canons and non-canon stuff are fine, and you can enjoy them as much as you want, but they're NOT the source material. Source material are only the novels and stories that have been written by Takabayashi-sensei (anything in written form and some dramas also written by her according to interviews).

Takabayashi-sensei is the author of the novels (the source material out of which everything else is derived), and her word is "god's word". By the way, she used this term to refer to herself in regards to the maruma series, I'm not fangirling, but using terminology she herself used.

Please understand that most of the material that isn't 'source material' has been altered in many ways to appeal to a 'larger audience' (manga and drama cds), or to make it palatable to the more homophobic society of the 2000s (in the case of the anime). When the anime began social media didn't exist. And when the anime ended (in 2009), social media was in its infancy. That's how long ago these media were adapted from source material.

The Fandom

The fandom has influenced the source material itself at times (such as Conrad fans throwing a hissy fit when he died in novel 5 to the point that Takabayashi-sensei had to resurrect him and change who the key was and many other plot points since then). Certain shippers still force sensei's hand to write fanservice here and there, and despite that, one thing has been clear from the beginning:

Takabayashi-sensei's 'main couple' is the one she got engaged back in novel 1: Yuuri and Wolf, the royal couple.

The Bias

Before we get into the thick of this, let's take a moment to understand bias. I'm sure that if you're reading this far into this you really like yuuram and don't have a problem with homosexuality, boys love, etc. (I use yuuram to mean the royal couple: Yuuri and Wolf, nothing to do with 'who's on top' or anything like that, just a name for the ship with these two characters).

Despite that, anyone reading this has been born and raised in a highly hetero-normative society where if a girl so much looks at a boy she must be into him, and vice-versa.

Who can forget the "He was a boy, She was a girl, Can I make it any more obvious" lyrics of the 2000s? Same applies to 'ships' all across the board.

If any, and I mean any 'boy-girl' relationship was 10% of what the yuuram relationship is, there wouldn't be a single doubt that those two are in love, dating, married, and living happily ever after.

But when it comes to Yuuri and Wolf it feels like pulling teeth to get people to accept that they’re in a relationship. I blame mostly the anime for including weird non-canon ideas into fans minds, as well as heteronormative societies.

Please don’t be this person:

Finally, please take a moment to read THIS as an introduction to my next section.

The Royal Couple

Begin by forgetting everything you consumed from other canons (TV, manga, fanfics) if you truly want to appreciate the Royal Couple in its source material form.

1) Romantic interest

The source material has made Yuuri very interested in Wolfram since the very beginning. Of course, at first, he was only interested in Wolfram's physical appearance. But the more he got to know Wolfram the more he cared about him and the less he cared about his physical appearance.

To get a full picture of how madly he falls for Wolf, you need to read the novels, but here are some excerpts to illustrate my point:

How it started:

Source: Novel 1-Chapter 1

"Even if our bodies are evenly matched, when I just glanced up, I've already been defeated. How can he be this beautiful! (どうよ、この美しさ！) At the same time, his head is emitting an aura. Although it's likely that it seemed that way because of his dazzling blond hair. His looks and voice are like an older Vienna chorus boy. His white skin seems transparent, and his irises are an emerald green that make me think of the bottom of a lake, and furthermore he doesn't have a split chin. He's an angel, definitely an angry angel. However, because he's in this place, he's probably a beautiful demon."

-> Yuuri writes a fucking sonnet in his head about Wolf's beauty when they meet.

Source: Novel 1-Chapter 10

 From the far side of the corridor, the blond with wavy hair comes running. The intense navy blue uniform suits him; the mazoku Prince Wolfram. I muttered in a sigh 'Although he's a man, he's this beautiful, Günter'.

-> Yuuri complains to Gunter that Wolf is too beautiful.

How it's going:

Source: Novel 17, Chapter 7

"Those words hurt me deeply inside my heart, a pain as though I was burnt in an instant. Because I had an experience like that, in which I nearly lost the most important person to me, just because he was wearing someone else’s clothes."

-> Yuuri calling Wolfram his most important person, code in the maruma series for person you're in love with.

Source:  Do you want an exorcism? 2 (post novel 17)

"And because of that rich VARIETY in the configuration, mazoku is more an ethnicity than a race.

You have from kotsuhizoku, kotsuchizoku, and bone fish who are living creatures, even though they are just bones, to the seasonal migrating tribe of half-humanoid, half-fish maidmer princesses. As for the humanoid ones, there are regular looking ones like me or Conrad, but there are also some who are super beautiful like Günter or Wolfram............. as for the last one, this is just a little bit of my own personal bias, but it makes no difference if he's beautiful or not."

-> Yuuri saying that the beauty he went head over heals in novel 1 for, doesn't matter to him anymore because of his 'personal bias'

Source: Misepan 2: (post novel 17, arguably the last story written near the release of the novels)

"If I was in trouble, and I was missing something important. And you had one that was exactly the same ...."

"I'd lend it to you, of course"

I thought about this, literally with my hands on his chest. In fact, with my hand, that was pressed against his chest, I could feel that the speed of my partner's and my heartbeat was the same. Anyone would get blood rushing to their brains when they're seriously thinking about something. When I could calm down a little, I let out a small sigh.

"Or rather, when it comes to things that I can give you, I would give you anything, Wolf."

-> Yuuri tells Wolfram he would give him anything in the world.

2) Sexual interest:

-There are several times when the source material implies that Yuuri and Wolf don't just sleep at night.

Again, please remember that in the novels Greta does not sleep with Yuuri and Wolfram. This was a TV addition to appease homophobic minds. In fact, in the novels, Yuuri forbade Greta from sleeping with them because she's 'too old'. Also source material Greta is rarely in Shin Makoku as she's studying abroad half the time.

Source:  Novel 2- Chapter10

"If I leave it up to you, it will never get settled."

"So, what kind of settlement do you want...?" My voice trails off as he sways his hips closer.

The former mazoku prince's face brightens and he pulls me down by the arm.

"Wah!"

"So you finally feel like settling things!?"

"I don't ~"

I'm scared to think about what sort of settlement this is. I'm not going to lose my life or anything, but I do feel like there's something else I'm going to lose. I desperately extract myself, fly into the bathroom and lock the door.

"Yuuri!"

"Wait wait wait! I gotta take a bath first, okay!? You don't wanna do it with a sweaty guy, right!?"

Do it...? I blanch at my own words.

-> Yuuri's subconscious is clearly working against him.XD It looks like Yuuri doesn't want to lose the v-card yet (he barely knows Wolf at this point), but he still says  to Wolf he should take a bath before they do it. Gambare, Yu-chan

Source: Novel 4 - Chapter 1

-> Yuuri and Wolfram have been sleeping together for 3 months at the beginning of novel 4! Please! If this was a guy and girl you wouldn't be wondering what they're doing! He has a lock on the door! He can keep Wolf out , order him out, but he never does. Don’t be the gray haired lady!

Source: Never Ending Poison Lady 1

- "As a measure against Wolfram, who somehow even on our trips sleeps in the same bed as I do, I made a wall with three pillows which also had cute egg shaped buttons. I tucked my shirt into my pants, so that my stomach wouldn't get cold. After all, in the mornings when I woke up, both my clothes and my sleeping posture were always preposterous."

-> Yuuri says he puts some pillows to avoid getting into the weird sleeping postures and getting his clothes messed up and shirt untucked, but he never thinks of 'not sleeping with Wolf'~

Source: Never Ending Poison Lady 1 (same book as last)

- "While watching Wolfram's cheeks get red in excitement, a surprised Josak swallowed the question" You even sleep together when you're out on a trip?".

-> Even Jozak (the spy who's supposed to know everything) seems surprised that they're "sleeping together all the time". They're clearly hiding it from people.

Source: Maru maru maruMA-  (book with series info and interviews)

Takabayashi-sensei replied to a question about Yuuri and Wolfram and what would happen once they get married... and she said it clearly: They'll have sex.

("Please answer my maruma question", maru maru maruMA)

Source: SS: Murakenzu 2018-11-13 (Paper 1 accompanying cd72) "Yeah, my father was talking about it, and she's still being called 'Gokumi', huh? At any rate, even if he was smiling way too much, his footsteps started to sound louder and faster as he got farther away. In that moment we thought: Eh? Is it that bad? Maybe they saw something while we were sleeping, or rather, maybe they took peeping photographs and want to do something bad with them."

"Rather than while you were sleeping, before going to sleep?"

"You mean like, when I do practice baseball swings naked or something?"

"Yeah, naked practice."

"Or maybe like, a picture of Wolf's butt when he's wearing his sexy negligee or something?"

"Ah! If a picture of it peeking out is released it would be bad, huh?"

"Then, I suddenly realized that "secret" might just be a hook. In other words, those trick titles that often appear in sports newspapers."

"Yes, yes."

-> Yuuri talks about Wolfram's butt showing as a common place and about himself being completely naked doing 'baseball practice' in the room with Wolf, whatever that may mean.

3) Illustrations

The 4 wedding pictures. Yuuri and Wolfram have been illustrated as married four times by the series' illustrator:

1  | 2  | 3 |  4 

And I like to add this fifth one (used in There's Valentine's Day in Shin Makoku!? DVD special), since in the black and white version, there's a comment by Takabayashi-sensei that says: "With this we've finally won against the anime team! ", meaning they beat them to the wedding. 

4) Terminology

Yuuri and Wolf are referred to in tweets by Takabayashi-sensei, GEG-san and Temari-sensei as the Royal Couple (ロイカプ). The author, editor and illustrator all know already what they are and that's why they call them that.

More information:

Please, please read the source material. But if you won't, at least read some of the analyses I've made to find out more about yuuram. Yuuram is here, it’s canon, and their ship has sailed a long time ago, in novel 1. They were always meant to end up together and they have. (”The dream ending” was how the author wanted yuuram to end, happily married). This isn't clickbait, or fanwork. The author likes the Royal couple and will see that they end up together no matter what.

Additional information:

Yuuram in novel: 1 |2 |3 |4 |5 |6 |7 |8 |9 |10 |11 |12 |13 |14 |15 |16 |17  

* Novel Analysis:  Crossheart and Love Letter

* Novel Analysis:  Misepan2

* Novel Analysis: Do you want an exorcism?

* Bias in KKM: English version of KKM

* Novel Analysis: Yuuri confessing to Wolf (w/quotes)

* Novel Analysis: Physical and mental development in mazoku

* Novel Analysis:  Yuuri and Wolfram’s daily routine (with quotes) 

* Novel facts: No mpreg in Shin Makoku (I get asked a lot)

#kyou kara maou #kkm #maruma #yuuram #guide

[sakuatsu]

YELL 2 ME ABT SAKUATSU FIC RECS PLS

oh boy. oh boy do i have much to talk about

here’s a list of my sakuatsu must-reads under the cut! complete with links, word count, ratings, and occasional commentary because i’m incapable of shutting up. this isn’t in any particular order either 

(keeping this sfw and organized into canonverse/AUs. a * means i am on my hands and knees begging for you to read this)  

i’ll try to update this somewhat regularly :]

most recently updated august 25, 2020!

canonverse:

*your highs and lows (series) by astroeulogy 

a post-time skip canonverse series born from these two questions:

1. what if sakusa kiyoomi, known too-blunt jerk, is equally straightforward about his soft, tender feelings?

2. what if miya atsumu, resident big fat jerk who doesn't care if his teammates hate him, is too emotionally stunted to notice when his one of his teammates actually likes him?

this is like the sakuatsu series but it’s blasphemous to not recommend. the first fic in the series is all that you were (4.6k, T). mind the ratings on a few of the fics, but my personal favorite is #3: a masterpiece of domesticity called you have tamed me (5.7k, T). these make me ACHE 

*sakuatsu domesticity simulator by pseudoanalytics (T)

a vaguely interactive mixture of fic, art, and html, where you too can experience the inherent romance of a big fat jerk and a too-blunt jerk attempting intimacy

this fic...this fic...op is literally one of my favorite artists of all time but Did You Know that their writing is also off the charts. what a wonderful use of second person and the pacing is so good. too much skill in one person 

*The MSBY Black Jackals Read Thirst Tweets by isaksara (11.4k, M)

Sakusa’s eyes are very dark naturally, sucking in all surrounding rays of light and crushing them in his pupils. For an athlete, he is rather pale. His lips look very pink in comparison. Atsumu is suddenly catastrophically aware that in this instance, ‘accent’ is a euphemism. “Good enough for your Olympic-size ego, Miya?”

(In which Atsumu realizes that he is attracted to Sakusa Kiyoomi in the most inconvenient way possible.)

i think this is the fic that got me into sakuatsu in the first place lol i was looking very specifically for msby socmed fics and now here we are. this fic is unbelievably funny

*liminal spaces by hhatsuna (25.9k, T)

Fuck you, Atsumu thinks, pointing at the pixelated Sakusa in the grainy team photo on his bedside table.

It’s easier than you’d think to ignore loving your teammate.

*Better For Us Both by abrandnewheart (15.7k, M)

Where “You already make me the happiest guy alive, babe," gives way to, “I’ve not been happy for a while now.”

Alternatively known as the ‘mug fic’.

yes this is a breakup fic. yes im going to recommend it anyway. breakup fics usually scare me a lot but this one is too good for me to not say anything about. nuanced and delicious. i look at the mug on my desk and feel pain

dog eat dog eat dog world by perennials (8.4k, T)

You are your first and only line of defense against the universe.

Koi no Yokan; 恋の予感 by ymra (15.3k, unrated)

Wherein Sakusa dreams of his future selves and discovers a little something along the way.

autumn ends, but we remain by wolfsbvne (5.3k, T)

atsumu stares at his ceiling at 2am. he stares until he can make out designs in his popcorn ceiling. a cat there, an onigiri here, and then something that suspiciously looks like a mop of hair, triangle eyebrows, and oh those two bumps are moles right above what atsumu just mapped out as an eye.

(or, atsumu is in kind of in love. sakusa is maybe in like.)

your fingertips, branding irons by Ceryna (5.8k, T)

Between the accidental touches he's reconciled, the deliberate ones he's endured, and, from those he's built years of trust with, obliged– Kiyoomi has never wanted to let someone indulge.

Never, until Atsumu.

take what’s yours and make it mine by claudusdiei (5.9k, T)

atsumu falls in love four times in his life

(or: in which atsumu gets his heart broken twice, has the self-awareness of a sober mule and really likes yellow tulips)

every action has an equal and opposite reaction by akanemnida (10.4k, T)

Miya Atsumu gets a modeling contract with Calvin Klein, which sets Kiyoomi's heart in motion.

(Or: Sakusa Kiyoomi realizes that the rules governing the universe are absolute rubbish at explaining matters of the heart.)

*where i want to be by tookumade (8.8k, G)

In the time they’ve been teammates at the MSBY Black Jackals, Sakusa has never been to Atsumu’s place, and Atsumu has only been to Sakusa’s a few times. There’s an unspoken understanding here: that Atsumu knows him well enough to know that nobody’s house or apartment would ever really meet his ridiculously high standards, and he is most comfortable in the home he’s made for himself.

That, and, Atsumu being over at Sakusa’s means that he has to host him and do the cleaning afterwards, while Atsumu can just flit off back to his own place. So. There’s that.

Tonight. Tonight is not business as usual. Tonight is not familiar.

*san'yō expressway, 6:17 pm by yamabato (8.1k, T)

Atsumu tilts his head to watch a slice of orange light bend over the impassive planes of Sakusa’s face. He is absolutely, ruthlessly beautiful. It makes Atsumu want to punch something—put his foot through the windshield—scream, maybe.

Kiss him again, maybe.

They have 344 kilometers to figure this one out.

parallax error: angle of inclination by min_mintobe (10.8k, T)

But now there's the one person Atsumu'd promised himself never to touch. His eyes leave Atsumu breathless with guilt at seventeen, and he spends the next six years safe in the satisfaction of making things right.

Feelings, of the physical kind, and one kiss.

ft. competitive spirit, childishness, and late night conversations.

Atsumu POV.

four leaf clover by vicari_us (5.9k, T)

Once, Ushijima claimed that they ‘got lucky’. If properly honed, their body types could become near invincible weapons.

However, unlike Ushijima, Kiyoomi’s weapon required a bit more care over the years to reach the condition it had become. He was born iron, not yet forged into steel.

Exploring what it might have taken to turn a genetic mistake into an athletic miracle.

*the 28 postcards you left me by wheelspokes (8.3k, T)

Atsumu takes texting your ex to a new level by sending Sakusa postcards in Animal Crossing instead.

such a unique premise & this is so beautifully structured. stunning flow and who knew animal crossing could convey so much longing...

AUs:

Pas De Deux by hhatsuna (dancer!sakusa au: 19.0k, T)

The mystery athlete gives Kiyoomi a once over in the mirror. “Yer pretty tall,” he observes, and the twang of an accent rasps low in his throat. His brazen eyes drift to Kiyoomi’s legs, and something like exhilaration glints gold in his gaze. “Good quads, too. Ya ever played volleyball?” Ah. So it’s volleyball.

“I’m a dancer. Ballet and contemporary, mostly.”

*my love, take your time by bastigod (archaeologist!sakusa au: 9.0k, T)

There was something sublime about wandering around an empty museum. Nothing could compare to the sound of his shoes clacking against the marble floor, the morning sunlight gently streaming through the lofty windows and the peaceful solitude of ancient stone kings overseeing their silent kingdoms.

A day in the life of Doctor Kiyoomi Sakusa, Archaeologist.

i’ve literally been thinking about this fic every day since it came out. you will not find a story like this anywhere else, i guarantee you. what a clear labor of love this fic is it’s truly something so special 

three roses and a smile by strawberrycitrus (surgeon!sakusa & microbiologist!atsumu au: 19.7k, T)

“I just got this job, I’m not givin’ it up for some moral boost ‘cause I actually need to pay my rent, ya insensitive -” Atsumu waves his hands around, trying and failing to come up with the right word to convey the amount of injustice that this gaunt motherfucker has brought into his relatively simple life thus far.

“If you can’t pay your rent, go get a job at the McDonald’s over by 8th Street,” Sakusa growls, “it’ll pay more than your researcher position.”

If you even attempt assault on a coworker, forget teaching about cells - you’ll fucking be in one, Atsumu.

*Dance of the Parallax by astroeulogy (ogre spirit!sakusa au: 6.7k, T)

For the last twenty years, Atsumu’s done all that he can to break his betrothal to the ogre spirit Sakusa. If he can just make it through one more night, he’ll be free.

honestly, just read everything by astroeulogy. i’m recommending this fic in particular because it has such an ethereal voice to it. magical

across oceans, across centuries by starstrikes (pacific rim au: 20.0k, T)

Six days ago, Osamu died and left Atsumu with this: Atsumu, you have to—

(Namikira rises with the tides and rips Osamu and Vulpis Empress away in one fell swoop. Six days later, Atsumu wakes up alone in a hospital bed and learns how to swim.)

you don’t actually need to know pacrim to appreciate this. a wonderful exploration of grief and recovery. also it’s exactly 20k words which is both satisfying and terrifying 

*Notte Stellata by awkwardedgeworth (ice skating/dancing au: 20.8k, T)

"Your partner doesn't need to hold anyone's hand other than yours," Sakusa's father crouches, "And you can wear gloves."

Sakusa ponders. He hears the other skaters of rink two whiz past as they launch themselves into lifts.

"Alright," He looks up from the ice, not knowing how he'll dedicate the next couple of decades to this sport, this partnership, this boy.

what a stunning fic. a beautiful progression of sakusa & atsumu’s relationship, rife with references to real skating programs, beautifully written and structured. so full of longing i’m in mild physical pain

#if anyone else has recs feel free to drop them in the replies mwah #sakuatsu fic is SO high quality you can literally just look at the tag and blindly press and find something stunning #these are just my personal favorites #basically just my ao3 bookmarks and then some #sakuatsu #sakusa kiyoomi #miya atsumu #sakuatsu fic #haikyuu fic #ask #reynegades #thank you for asking.....ive been dying to make a fic rec post i just needed a push lol #fic

[cattles-bians]

exes au part 12

post directory

obsetress: don’t ask why i had this thought because i couldn’t tell you but

obsetress: jamie wakes up in the middle of the night one night and is like “i... had a dream. about vi”

obsetress: and dani’s like “ok baby” and just nuzzles deeper into her pillow and jamie’s like

obsetress: “no, dani, a... a dream”

obsetress: and dani’s like “oh. oh” and is immediately wide awake and bright eyed

obsetress: and is like “was it any good?” and jamie is just. already flushed so red and flushed deeper and dani just hums

em: sighs wistfully

em: i also love that something compels jamie to tell dani Immediately

em: oh the perils of begrudgingly being friends w ur gfs ex

em: jamies like um. no see i can see all these different things my brain mashed together and WHY i had this dream and danis like ok but that wasn’t my question....

obsetress: jamie finally throws up her hands “of course it was”

em: jamie: And You Can’t Tell Vi She’ll Be Insufferable

obsetress: dani, very plainly, at brunch the next morning: so vi

obsetress: jamie looks like she’s going to have a heart attack and dani lets her sweat and then just smiles sweetly “i like those sunglasses. are they new?”

em: jamie what’s the problem (nothin. indigestion)

obsetress: dani very smug n thinks she’s very funny

obsetress: (she is a little funny)

em: one of jamies many ‘oh that’s why they dated’ moments

obsetress: “fookin sick, the both of ya”

em: idk why you had this thought but i’m GREATLY amused

obsetress: skskksksks right

obsetress: jamie explaining her dream to dani in great detail afterwards

obsetress: dani sitting there nodding and hmming “oh that sounds like her. no, she wouldn’t do that. now THAT she would be very good at, you’d like it”

em: i need a moment

em: jamie thinks the dark hides her massive fucken blush but it Doesn’t

em: dani can feel her heating up

obsetress: jamie “i don’t ask you to do this” dani “you’re not stopping me”

em: dani critiquing jamies sex dream is such a fucken funny concept sjdhdkhdkdhdkc

obsetress: RIGHT

obsetress: i’m dying

em: dani: oh no that’s OOC

obsetress: she wouldn’t have a riding crop jamie, it’s 2021, not 16—

em: jamie: it’s a wet dream do u really think it’s gonna have beta readers and a three act structure

em: dani hums

obsetress: dani: well did you enjoy it

obsetress: jamie: i— dani: did you?

obsetress: jamie mumbling yeah

em: jamies like i’m gonna interrogate dani next time, see how she feels- but she forgets dani is incapable of feeling shame

obsetress: like dani wouldn’t just launch into a ramble

---

em: viola

obsetress: fuck

obsetress: yeah

obsetress: to jamie, specifically,

em: to jamie specifically andhdjhdjd

em: once again ironic jamvi has turned, in my brain, into ‘yes and....’ jamvi

—-

obsetress:

obsetress: jamie sending this to viola n vi's like

obsetress: she doesn't get it because she's convinced her taste is immaculate

---

em: anyway this is ooc even for exes au but i keep thinking abt like. jamie tryna crack how old viola is (she cant be 34 im 30 it doesnt make sense) and going through her fb timeline like. 'aha! motivational quotes. gotta be late 30s' and danis either like

em: danis either like 'you have a notebook where you write down all the quotes you like baby' OR shes like haha ok thats fair (posts another motivational quote on her fb)

obsetress: god i love that so much

obsetress: both of those dani responses are

obsetress: honestly porque no los dos if we're already going ooc

obsetress: i do think the first bit "gotta crack it she can't be 34 i'm 30 it doesn't make sense" is in character fwiw

em: obviously i was inspired by ur post in the milf channel abt viola always saying shes 35

em: big brain

—-

obsetress: this is literally just. exes au rebecca

obsetress: down to the caption

obsetress: vi and rebecca patiently staging like full photoshoots for each other every time one of them wants a pic otp: i'm not high maintenance, you're just low effort

---

em: bold 2 say that we don’t think about jamie and vi tho

em: gotta keep some sorta. presentation of respectability

em: they absolutely couldn’t date tho

obsetress: lmao ikr

obsetress: yeah no they'd kill each other

obsetress: now just thinking of silly circumstances and um

obsetress: rebecca's out of town and dani's flying back from some iowa thing jamie couldn't get away for to go with

obsetress: and viola's like "oh, just stay at ours, it's closer and i'll get you a car"

obsetress: and just like

obsetress: imagining the two of them cohabitating at vi's for a night

em: jamie sneaking around at night tryna find the bathroom and runs straight into vi in a face mask and a dangerously low dressing gown Again

obsetress: the parallels to canon

obsetress: im giggling

obsetress: walks straight into her path

em: opens a door. sees something she doesn’t want to see. immediately turns and walks away

em: god the face mask would make her look like the lady in the lake

obsetress: yeah

obsetress: vi wants to go out to dinner, jamie's just like "i'm already getting up early to go to the airport, can't we just have an easy night in"

em: what did i say before. that thing abt if ur friends w damie you will inevitably walk in on them

obsetress: god yeah

em: flip of that.

obsetress: oh GOD

em: god they would argue about dinner

em: bicker about EVERYTHING

em: dani and rebecca both make the married couple joke

em: jamie goes pale

obsetress: wait sorry i just went back to tahirahs insta post and like

obsetress: katie parker commented and was like "i love these shots of you" and she was like "thanks luv " and i'm like

obsetress: why does this....... still track........... with exes au...............

em: perdy is always a little too flirty w vis paramours

obsetress: always! except dani for whatever reason

obsetress: she's just scared of dani

em: Please

obsetress: rebecca's like "i don't see what the problem is. she can do what she wants, but you trust me, don't you?" "of course i trust you" rebecca shrugs "that's it then, isn't it?"

obsetress: anyway vi huffs n crosses her arms n pouts a little bit and is like "well i don't want her to"

obsetress: rebecca is endeared and uses the opportunity to her advantage like the top leaning switch she is

em: dani rebecca parallels: always dtf

obsetress: perdi and vi fighting and vi's like "are you even gay? or do you just want what i have?" and perdi is like "does it matter?"

em: are you even gay perdi nahdkdhdkdhd

em: perdi is like you KNOW about jamie and viola crinkles her nose bc she forgot about that and she’s starting to respect jamie as a person

obsetress: djflakdkfjldkadjLDJFLSKDFJLSDKFJx

obsetress: i screeched

em: viola: you only MET jamie because i hired her for landscaping you fucking-

obsetress: just thinking about perdita watching jamie working on some property sweating in a tank top and Deciding

em: bringing out some lemonade etc

em: haha you look parched

obsetress: smiling widely, turning on the charm

obsetress: jamie is very attractive and very swoonworthy, but perdita 100% only goes for it because she refuses to let viola have one (1) thing

obsetress: and that extends to lesbianism

em: viola's like no this is normal right. siblings competing. rivalries etc and danis like uh i’m an only child and jamies like uh i raised my brother

em: they don’t know how to tell her sure it happens but it’s also extremely fucken weird vi

obsetress: jamie: you have to tell her dani: why do i have to tell her jamie: you tell her everything dani: i don't tell her–– ok, i tell her most things. i'm not sure i want to tell her this though jamie: why not dani: she's not... she's not gonna like it jamie: So You Might Be A People Pleaser,

em: jamie: i can’t tell her. she’s only just forgotten the perdi thing. what if she remembers i’ve

em: in depth character study of viola and perdi’s fucked up rivalry

em: violas like goddamn it do i have to fuck jamie to get even

obsetress: i––

em: she decides against it

em: jamie is none the wiser

obsetress: she Considers it tho

em: jamie would die on the spot if she knew

obsetress: weighs the pros and cons

obsetress: the best part is like

obsetress: this is all post-danvi and pre-damie right so when dani n jamie see rebecca and vi at that video store

obsetress: viola's like wait.

obsetress: wait

obsetress: dani ending up with the hot gardener her sister fucked because she has bizarre jealousy and possession issues is really just the cherry on top of a shit sundae

em: the funniest part of all our very tangled lore is like

em: none of it contradicts bc it’s even funnier when it’s Extremely Ugly And Messy

em: because lesbians are just... like that

---

obsetress: exes au au where viola did fuck jamie, the video rental shop scene is 100 times more awkward

em: don’t think about it don’t think about it dont

em: i am thinking about it

em: jamie has to deal with having been railed by all three of them instead of just the two

em: it feels very uneven to her bc rebeccas a doll, dani, u don’t understand, and ur only running into one ex,

obsetress: talk about the mortifying ordeal of being known

obsetress: "wait, that's your ex?" "yeah" "dani" "what" "dani" "what" jamie's voice is hushed but a lil pitchy and a lot panicky "i think i fucked your ex" "you think?" "i fucked your ex" "you fucked her or she fucked you? because i'm sorry, baby, but i really don't think––"

em: sorry, baby, but i really don’t think-

em: SCREAMED

obsetress: that might be my fave lil bit i've ever written adlfkjasdklf

em: dani being a little too interested in jamie getting railed is like. everything to me

obsetress: jamie's already big blushing

em: a little secret between hannah obsetress and em cowlesbian but i am So thinking abt it

em: patreon exclusive exes au au

[em edit: you can imagine how long this lasted]

obsetress: no one is happy about this situation except dani, who is delighted

em: after, jamie's like. what did u mean by u don’t think that...

em: puffs out her chest

em: i could have-

em: danis like yeah but i know u didn’t did u

obsetress: dani clayton ilu

em: danis like um

em: completely unprompted bc dani ‘finishes a conversation 5 hours later’ is really funny to me

em: danis like i did tho

em: jamies like can you DROP IT

em: she’s SMUG

em: she’s so pleased w herself

obsetress: in bed with the lights off jamie's pulling the sheets up and closing her eyes afterthought

obsetress: just a happy lil hum and an "i did, though"

obsetress: and jamie knows IMMEDIATELY what she's talking about

em: dani never lets jamie live it down

obsetress: never!

obsetress: they'll be washing dishes one day "hey baby?" "hmm" "you slept with a landlord"

em: oh um. flipping the whole ‘experienced jamie virginal dani’ trope everyone loves but

em: i love the idea of dani being like hey jamie did u ever- and jamies like (grumbles) does it matter

em: dani is mentally applying a gold star to her chart

obsetress: ksdljfskdfjlsdjflksdjaf

obsetress: the gold star

em: at this point dani is absolute just tryna tease jamie so she’s like oh well when- and jamies like ok i get it

em: jamie Pretends not to be a little interested

obsetress: meanwhile vi and rebecca very matter of factly swapped stories the first day they Realized

obsetress: vibecca swapping stories and their stories complimenting each other so well that they're like well. hmm

obsetress: glad those two found each other

em: two praise kinks u say

em: ok sorry one more thought i’m thinking abt like

em: jamie staying over (idk if this is before or during damie) and viola and perdi are having yet another spat on the phone and violas like

em: no you ALWAYS do this, whatever you think you’re doing with rebecca-‘ and she barely hears some muffled sorta ‘oh, sorry, remember jamie-

em: and jamies doing the maths. hmm

em: jamies like actually i refuse to examine this further. self care

em: brings it up with dani later and dani LOSES her shit laughing

em: haha jamie you got willoughby’ed

obsetress: SCREAMS

obsetress: you got willoughby'd

obsetress: how does one get willoughbyd asking for a friend

em: yeah same asking for a friend

obsetress: dani, gigglesnorting: wait, you hooked up with... with perdi?

obsetress: (dani hates perdita because viola hates perdita and it is a deep seated hatred she refuses to unlearn)

obsetress: a loyalty strange and enduring, despite it all

em: to be fair perdi is the Worst

em: all of these characters i love to make sympathetic and then perdi is where i draw the line akdhdkhd

em: it’s funnier if she’s awful

em: like a viola that never gets therapy

obsetress: lldjfkaskldfj god same

obsetress: it's too good

em: danis like wait hold on. lemme get a pen

em: makes a silly little chart

em: if the fandom tries to make jamie into a shane the l word character i will simply take that and make jamie mortified abt her uh. well! a pretty girl is nice to her and she forgets how to behave

em: jamie's like oh sure like u don’t have embarrassing flings- and danis like yeah but i don’t interact w them on a daily basis jamie

em: also i didn’t fuck perdi

obsetress: skskskflsdflks

obsetress: "you did fuck perdi though, right? because that just be embarrassing, jamie, if she had been the one who..."

em: skgsdjhdkdhdk

em: jamie grumbles something abt pillow princesses and dani like

em: CLAPS her hands in glee

obsetress: jlsdjflkJSDFKJSDFJ

obsetress: GOD

obsetress: she's immediately pulling out her phone to text vi

em: jamies like why would u message her sister that u freak n danis like oh no theyre very open with each other it’s uh. hmm. anyway

#this is one of my faves won’t lie hfydyst #featuring perdita who is. just #a terrible little delight gshdjfjv #idk what to say about this one except um. i’m sorry #and i hope u can still look me in the eye despite #being a grotty little multishipper #the dani jamie viola rebecca exes au #longggg one

[codename-adler]

foxes + onesies (5/9)

based off of that one post i saw and don’t remember, where people once caught Allison wandering around Fox Tower in a giraffe onesie, and i absolutely melted for her. here is the Foxes’ journey to getting a onesie each!

Nicky

almost immediately after Dan, Nicky gets his own onesie

like, two days after

and, as he finds out later from Dan, he ordered his first

it just got a little lost in the mail (that’s just Nicky’s luck)

the thing is, he’s completely jealous of the upperclassmen

not just a little; a lot

and not because he feels excluded (he does), nor because he wants to be belong (he does) or even because he misses those happy moments of childhood when everything was still easy (he achingly does)

no no

he’s jealous because he wants to steal their onesies and wear them all

he’s jealous because he just really, really wants a soft and silly onesie to wear

that’s it

it’s not a childhood memory (he never had one)

it’s not a self-care tip (he doesn’t think he needs self care lessons, thank you very much, he’s a very mature adult with 2 angry teenagers under his very adequate care, you know)

it’s not a grand gesture for love-

but perhaps…? oh yeah get this:

Nicky is always planning for the future

ever since Erik, ever since the twins, he makes plans upon plans upon plans

it’s not that he’s anxious about the future (a little bit, still, given everything that he went through)

making plans for the future is his way of looking forward to it, of not losing hope, of staying strong in the present

he’s got a lot of dreams

getting tattoos…

getting a tattoo with Erik…

or many tattoos with Erik, for that matter…

owning a blue or green vintage Westfalia…

doing a roadtrip across Europe… (with Erik, duh)

volunteering for humanitarian work in any country…

owning a ranch with lots of horses…

or at least having one horse of his own…

marrying Erik…

and don’t get him started on his plans for the very far future, when he’s sixty-seventy, in his shabby German cottage with Erik, his only neighbors being Andrew and Aaron…

Nicky is hopeful

Nicky is optimist

Nicky is excited for what he future might bring, despite the adversities that knocked him down times and times again

you have to give him that

which is why he starts planning for an event that is closer than he thinks:

Berlin Pride Ceremony, also known as Christopher Street Day

Nicky’s never been to Pride

not even in his time in Stuttgart, and certainly not here in the US

so when he graduates, and the twins are legally independent from his guardianship, you can bet your sweet ass that Nicky is flying back to Erik in time for Pride Month, and that he will be shaking his sweet ass in the streets of Berlin to celebrate his love

thus, he needs an outfit

he and Erik need an outfit

now, what screams “I’m gay”, “I’m proud” and “I love horses” ?

rainbow unicorn onesie

lemme say that again

rainbow. unicorn. motherf***ing. onesie.

that’s right baby

but once Nicky’s got a vision, a plan, he’s very picky about it

sure, once he’s in the moment, he lets loose and has fun and enjoys

but leading to it? very difficult

he searches every shopping center in the Palmetto area

he searches every shopping center in the Columbia area

none of the unicorn onesies satisfy him

so he resorts to online shopping

which he hates

online shopping, to him, lacks the true experience that is walking for hours, raiding stores and the food court…

a few Google searches, a couple of clicks, and his onesie is ordered

it’s… it’s very gay

as in, very bright and lively

the faux-fur is made of pastels of all the colors of the rainbow

the mane is hot pink and almost feather-like

there’s cute little ears, two cute little eyes, and a freaking yellow horn on the hood

it’s as if the Gay Pride flag had had a baby with Pegasus or Spirit the stallion of the Cimarron

it’s beautiful

Nicky’s already picturing himself with rainbow flag temporary tattoos on each of his cheeks, a rainbow bandana, his sweaty hand in Erik’s sweaty hand, singing Rain On Me and Born This Way and Single Ladies all day long amongst a safe and proud crowd

he can’t wait

he’s so excited

he’s also nervous to see Erik’s reaction when he receives his surprise gift

deep down, he knows he’ll love it, but he’s just a little scared still

and so Nicky waits

and waits

and waits

and waits

then he hears about Dan’s little stunt for Valentine’s Day

and he gets envious, because 1) she got to celebrate with Matt while Erik is an ocean away and 2) she got her onesie first, when he knows for a fact that he ordered before her from the same website

and then he hears about a special movie night the girls had where they all lounged in their onesies watching Hunger Games and the Avengers

Nicky’s getting very jealous

but finally, finally, when March rounds the corner, Nicky gets a package

he also gets an unscheduled Skype call from Erik at 4 AM (US time)

the screen just opens on Erik, in his onesie, jumping on his mini indoor trampoline

Erik doesn’t speak, he just keeps on bouncing

Nicky screams and wakes up the whole dorm

Andrew kicks down the door (literally, it breaks and falls down its hinges), Kevin can be heard yelling “WHAT THE FUCK” from his bed and Neil’s got one of Andrew’s knife

and the crash of the door wakes up Aaron and the upperclassmen in the other dorm rooms

the night ends (or the morning begins?) with all the Foxes cramped in Nicky’s room, watching Erik wordlessly bounce in his rainbow unicorn pajama and Nicky yelling “THAT’S MY MAN BITCHES”

needless to say, Nicky is quite happy with himself, and so is Erik

Nicky gets invited to the special movie night with the girls, on the promise to never wake them up at ass-o’clock ever again, even if he’s being murdered

oh, and somehow his pillow mysteriously gets stabbed and stuffed out…

#i'm reposting these so each Fox has their own post bc I've been losing visibility with the reblogs #part 5 of 9! #i gotta say that nicky wasn't my favorite character but i quite enjoyed writing this for him #and yes nicky is a horse girl #foxes + onesies #aftg #nicky hemmick #erik klose #nicky x erik #all for the game #tfc #trk #tkm #the foxhole court #the raven king #the king's men #aftg series #nora sakavic #dan wilds #matt boyd #danmatt #dan x matt #allison reynolds #renee walker #renison #neil josten #andrew minyard #kandreil #kevin day x aaron minyard #aaron minyard

[coffeeaddictbluebird]

Prompt List

I'm posting a prompt list so y'all can just send a request based on these. If you want to, of course. You can just send your own prompts. You can also ask for a mix from two or more categories. Please try to keep the number of prompts below 5. I'll try to complete your requests asap. Just know that if I've answered your ask/request, your request is already in my WIPs. Please be kind. Thank you.

~ May.

Fluff

1. “Is that my shirt?” “You mean our shirt?”

2. “It’s you, it always has been.”

3. “You’re everything I could’ve wanted and more.”

4. “Kiss me.”

5. “Home stopped being a place when you entered my life.”

6. “You should probably go home.” “But I’m already home.”

7. “I’d do anything for you.”

8. “You took all the pillows so I’m using you as one.”

9. “Stop moving and let me braid your hair.”

10. “Could you say that again?” “Were you not listening?” “No, I was, I just like hearing your voice.”

11. “I didn’t think it was possible to love someone this much.”

12. “You are my family.”

13. “I’m right here.”

14. “Can you please just hold me?”

15. “I’m pretty sure you’re my soulmate”

16. “Do you come here often?” “Well, considering I work here, yes.”

17. “You know, I think my (mother/father/parents) would be proud if I brought you home.”

18. “I just want to see you happy.”

19. “This reminded me of you.”

20. “Your hair is really soft.”

21. “You’re really warm.”

22. “Are you blushing?”

23. “Can I stay here tonight?”

24. “Because I love you.”

25. “I’ve been in love with you since we were kids.”

26. “Make a wish!”

27. “I love seeing you smile.”

28. “Why are you wearing my sweater?” “Because it smells like you.”

29. “I just want to be there for you.”

30. “I couldn’t get you out of my mind.”

31. “You’re just a softie.”

32. “You owe me.” “Fine, whatever you like.”

33. “You are crushing me right now.”

34. “Take my hand. Just trust me.”

35. “You’re hurt. Please just let it heal.”

36. “At least let me clean it.”

37. “I told you to take care of yourself.”

38. “You’re the only thing that matters.”

39. “Stay.”

Angst

1. “I’m leaving.” “Of course, you are, that’s all you know how to do.”

2. “I’m never going to leave you. I promise.”

3. “Why are you scared of loving?”

4. “You promised you’d stop drinking.” “And you promised you wouldn’t hurt me!”

5. “But it’s my fault, right?”

6. “I don’t want to feel this. I want to be numb again.”

7. “You’re lying to me again. Why can’t you just tell me the truth for once?”

8. “I can’t lose you.” “You already did.”

9. “Did it mean anything to you? Did I mean anything to you?”

10. “How was I such an idiot, to believe that you, out of all people, could ever love me?”

11. “Maybe they were right, you never did change.”

12. “This is all in my head. It’s all happening in my head.”

13. “Don’t you dare walk away from this, from me!”

14. “What gives you the right to just waltz back into my life after all the pain you’ve caused.”

15. “You’ve changed.”

16. “Any other lies left to tell me?”

17. “Why did you wait until I moved on?”

18. “Don’t look at me like that.” “Like what?” “Like you still love me.”

19. “Let me go.”

20. “You’re not you.”

21. “I miss the old you.”

22. “You deserve better.”

23. “I never would’ve thought (she/he/they)’d end up with someone else.”

24. “I was happier with you.”

25. “I would’ve done anything for you.”

26. “I loved you. I loved you so much, but you hurt me.”

27. “They warned me about this.” “About what?” “You.”

28. “Lie to me. I don’t care what you say, just lie to me. Make me feel okay again.”

29. “You broke me.”

30. “You just threw four years of friendship out the window.”

31. “Sorry doesn’t fix everything.”

32. “You promised.”

33. “I don’t need help! I need an end to this pain.”

34. “What am I in your life? Because as of lately I feel as though I’ve been nothing to you.”

35. “Leave.”

36. “I can’t keep playing pretend.”

37. “Give me one reason I shouldn’t leave.”

38. “I wish we never met.”

39. “I’m sorry I’m not enough for you.”

40. “You’re safe now, I’m here.”

41. “I love you.” “You shouldn’t.”

General

1. “I love you.” “Tell me that when you’re sober.”

2. “It’s pouring, why are you here?”

3. “Where are you?”

4. “What happened?”

5. “Have you been taking care of yourself?”

6. “Is that blood?” “Yes, but that doesn’t matter right now, what does matter is-” “You are literally bleeding.”

7. “Is that my book?”

8. “You want to play pretend? Well, two can play at that game.”

9. “Did you know that you talk in your sleep?”

10. “Come back to bed. Please.”

11. “You should’ve listened to me.”

12. “I haven’t seen you in days.”

13. “Are you jealous?”

14. “Cheers, I’ll drink to that.” “You drink to everything.” “Cheers!”

15. “Is that vodka? At 7 in the morning?”

16. “It’s not my choice.”

17. “Hey, look at me. Focus on me, alright?”

18. “You don’t belong with him!” “Then who do I belong with?” “With me.”

19. “Come home.”

20. “I hope you’re happy.”

21. “They don’t need to know.”

22. “I made this for you.”

23. “I’m sorry, do I know you?”

24. “Why can’t I get you out of my head?”

25. “Do you want that?”

26. “Don’t let go.”

27. “Just let me stay.”

28. “Can I at least tell my side of the story?”

29. “Do you trust me?”

30. “Are you flirting with me?”

31. “Are you afraid to die?”

32. “Are they really ‘just a friend?”

33. “Have you been sleeping?”

34. “I didn’t know where else to go.”

35. “You’re more than just a one-night stand”

36. “We’re not just friends you know that”

Smut

1. “I love it when you moan my name.”

2. “Just a little harder.”

3. “Why don’t I give you a reason to stay in bed.”

4. “No panties?”

5. “Use your tongue.”

6. “Please don’t stop.”

7. “You need a place to stay for the night.”

8. “Spend the night with me.”

9. “You can get louder, can’t you?”

10. “Look what you do to me.”

11. “I want to taste you.”

12. “Open your mouth.”

13. “Take off your clothes.”

14. “This is a one-time thing.”

15. “Tell me how you like it.”

16. “Get on your hands and knees, now.”

17. “I want to fuck you right against the glass so everyone can see how good you take it.”

18. “I just want to please you.”

19. “Every thought of mine about you is improper.”

20. “I love it when you kiss my neck.”

21. “Don’t be gentle.”

22. “I’ve never wanted fuck you more than I do now.”

23. “You want to have sex with me?”

24. “I’m afraid I can no longer remain professional.”

25. “Make me.”

26. “I love it when you talk dirty.”

27. “I’ll let you do anything if you just touch me right now.”

28. “Don’t give me that look.” “Or what?” “Or I might fuck you right here, right now.”

29. “Like what you see?”

30. “Stay quiet.”

31. “Just shut up and fuck me.”

32. “You feel so good.”

33. “I want you inside me.”

34. “Be a good girl and spread your legs.”

35. “Don’t provoke me.”

36. “I’ve never done this before.”

37. “Don’t be afraid, it’s just me.”

38. “We’re in public, you know?”

40. “Are you sure? Once I start, I don’t think I’ll be able to stop.”

41. “No, I’m supposed to make you feel good.”

42. “Stop teasing me so much.”

43. “Bed. Now.”

44. “I love the way you look with my fingers inside you.”

45. “I guess I’ll just get off all by myself.”

46. “Did you touch yourself while I was gone?”

47. “We can’t do that here.”

48. “You’re not wearing anything under that, are you?”

49. “The only way you’re getting off is on my thigh.”

50. “You have no idea how much I want you.”

#may writes #prompt list

[sinkix]

☆ Haikyuu!! │ Boys as your roommate HC’S │ Ft Nishinoya, Akaashi, Oikawa & Hinata ☆

Okay this is a small little shit post idea that I had and it’s 2am SO it’s high-key messy and chaotic but HEY when am I not? I swear I’ll sleep after this I promise.

E N J O Y ~ <3

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

Nishinoya: 

SO!!!! FUCKING!!!1 LOUD!!!11!!

AT ALL HOURS OF THE DAY.

definitely blasts music first thing in the morning to get hype so be prepared for that.

y’all definitely have a designated day for movie nights and just overall vibing.

Often drags you to volleyball practise with him bc why not

both of y’all hate cleaning so it’s usually just a chaotic mess

but you both know where everything is so like whats the point in cleaning up???

can and will wake you up at random hours in the night

literally it will be 3am and he will come into your room and ask you the meaning of life or a cheesy pick up line he read on ifunny.

not even kidding.

sometimes you both end up crashing together bc you spend nearly all night playing video games and talking.

so again, expect random poking and prodding in the middle of the night for more nonsensical questions

when he sleeps though, he’s out like a LIGHT

homeboy fucking SNORES

SO. DAMN. LOUD

it’s actually really cute

rolling slumber

you get to see hair-down noya a lot and its *chef kiss*

will always cheer you up after a bad day and sometimes leaves little notes lying on the kitchen counter as motivation.

is your hype man for when your picking out outfits for the day or an important event/party. 

actually has really good taste in fashion??? so you know you can always trust his input.

you mostly eat out or order in because neither of you can cook for shit.

the last time you both attempted the kitchen nearly went up in flames.

just kidding, it did.

 never have you been so grateful for the invention of fire extinguishers. 

some got in noya’s hair and it looked so scuffed lol.

Akaashi:

such a chill rooomate, my god.

you spend most evenings on the couch just watching shows or talking about your day, akaashi is a straight up vibe machine and his presence is v soothing.

a really good cook?? so it’s always a nice surprise when you come home and dinner is already made

remembers all your favourite foods and meals so if he senses you’re down he will make them for you.

fuckin angel bro I swear.

most of the time you just eat in comfortable silence or you’ll listen to akaashi talk about the team.

he’s usually your alarm clock since he wakes up around the same time as you and being the responsible boi he is always makes sure to wake you up too.

bless his soul

sometimes you’ll have little jam out sessions if one or both of you are feeling sad

instantly 1000x better

aside from being the occasional goof he’s honestly pretty quiet for the most part

sometimes you’ll forget he’s at home and just bust out the weirdest moves or start talking to yourself and he’ll walk in the room like ????? you good ?????

he’s caught you several times just narrating your inner monologue 

definitely teases you about it

like he’ll just quote a random thing you had mumbled to yourself before just to see you squirm

low-key a little shit lmao

he is pretty tidy and has no problems cleaning up so the house is usually orderly and clean, you both take turns doing chores and pitch in to do your part

sometimes he’ll tease you if you forgot to do the dishes but then go and do them himself

so cute man ihefjwjkfkjef

sometimes y’all will clean together and just dance to music around the house while doing so

sometimes bokuto drops by and all calm atmosphere is instantly shattered but it’s okay bc he’s babi and you appreciate the hype atmosphere he brings.

well, maybe not akaashi bc he has to deal with it 24/7 but still 

you and bokuto get on v well so he makes more frequent visits now and you three will go out to eat or just sit and watch volleyball tournaments on TV. 

sometimes bokuto will make you both re watch their old matches, screaming “YOU SEE THAT AKAASHIIIIIII??!!11″ 

“yes bokuto-san.”  

aside from that just an overall very chill household.

Oikawa:

such a little shit lmao

will wake you up by throwing a pillow at your head screaming “WAKE UP (Y/N)-CHAN!!!!!” at the top of his lungs

like tooru sis it’s 7am

Sometimes you’ll drop by practise in the evening to bring snacks and walk him home

he goes all soft and makes sure to be extra nice that night

y’all are hella close and tell each other EVERYTHING

Iwazumi appreciates you SO much bc ur able to tame Oikawa’s occasionally bratty and snarky attitude so it’s less work for him.

there’s a rumour you’re dating but neither of you have addressed it bc you both find it funny.

and idk maybe you are ??? not even you two know at this point

his fangirls get hella jealous whenever you show up lolololol.

oikawa can KIND of cook

and by kind of i mean just throw shit in the oven for like 30 min and bone apple teeth.

so you usually just go to restaurants or do basic cooking

it’s always hella fun cooking with oikawa 

sometimes you’ll buy those ready-made kid baking sets to make some brownies with minimal effort

this bitch will always flick the fucking spoon at you

then SWIPE IT OFF UR CHEEK AND EAT IT

he always flashes his signature wink, sticking out his tongue.

you just sigh and hope he gets salmonella.

speaking of sickness, once oikawa got a cold

you stayed off the day to look after him and he was SO. FUCKIN. DEMANDING.

“(Y/N)-chaannn!!! make me porridge!” 

“(y/N)-ChAAAaNn! can i have some medicine.”

“(YYYy/nNnNn)-ChAAAaaANNNn give me attention.”

ofc u gave it to him bc how can u say no

 was actually very grateful and kind to you with zero bratty behaviour so u like sick oikawa.

his normal self too, but you’ll never tell him that.

Hinata: 

LOUD????

not as bad as nishinoya, like he’ll have his quiet moments but still

VERY?? LOUD??? 

it’s hard to be in a bad mood around him honestly so you always look forward to going home and seeing his smiling face

sunshine™ here to brighten ur day

you’re usually the one that has to wake him up bc let’s face it he’s hopeless at being organised and getting up on time.

he was always used to Natsu waking him up so now you’re basically Natsu 2.0 in this regard.

you usually have to resort to shaking him vigorously for like 2 mins until he actually gets up.

once you deadass poured the water over his head that was sitting on his nightstand bc he refused to get up

needless to say he was far more willing after that

you 100% have karaoke sessions together in the morning  and belt the lyrics out, attempting to sync but failing miserably.

maybe you’ll get a record deal one day who knows

Hinata can and will give you a hug and motivational speech before you walk out the door

you often have to fix his appearance before he leaves

his shirt is usually tucked in at a weird angle or hella crumpled

his hair too, like you’ll have to flatten down extra wild strands since he usually forgets to brush it before heading out the door

bitch gets toothpaste marks EVERYWHERE 

like pretty much every place except his fuckin mouth lmao

you sometimes show up to practise to surprise him and he always gets extra hype after that since you offer to pay for food afterward.

y’all like taking late night walks in the park

boy gets scared easily though so prepare for him to leap in your arms like a scene from scooby-doo

definitely have a lot of late night convos, some really stupid and some surprisingly deep.

he’s actually a very thoughtful and layered person?? like under that chaotic and disorganised persona 

don’t even get me started on cooking.

you REFUSE to let him anywhere near the kitchen 

so you usually end up doing the food prep or again y’all just eat out

You both watch volleyball games on TV often and get HYPE AS HELL and yell at the TV vvv loud

once you actually received a noise complaint.

sometimes Kags will drop by because he left something at practise that Hinata had picked up for him.

you and Kags get on pretty well tbh like you both respect each other

he has no idea how you can live with Hinata and often refers to you as a saint

but who wouldn’t want to live with this bby ball of sunshine?

#hq #haikyuu #haikyuu!! #hq headcanons #haikyuu headcanons #akaashi keiji #nishinoya yuu #hinata shoyo #oikawa toru #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu imagines

[whats-rambled-rambled]

Long Nights - playlist

You can find it on Spotify here.

Eddie Vedder - Long nights

I’ve already talked about it in another post a bit, so--

For the first time, I had a full series figured out even before I started writing. All the arcs, main plot points, even the final conversation! I even had a 3h long playlist with all the songs that would come in handy along the way, but still, none of them was the one (so basically same thing that happened with Smoke series)

I started thinking about the main theme and/or drive for our new Reader, and then it hit me. There already is a story with that vibe, and it has such an amazing soundtrack.

So I opened Spotify and browsed through the album.

And I found it.

The overall mood was not something that was going to be helpful at the beginning of the series, but oh my, those lyrics were it for all the things I had planned.

//Have no fear

For when I'm alone

I'll be better off than I was before//

That’s R, all right. Not afraid to be alone, she prefers it. Nothing can hurt her, unlike when she gets too invested. Commitment issues and whatnot.

//Long nights allow me to feel...

I'm falling...I am falling

The lights go out

Let me feel

I'm falling

I am falling safely to the ground//

Knowing what I was about to put R through, this looks only fitting, don’t you think?

Chapter 1: Sigrid - Don’t kill my vibe

I could see LN!R so clearly. I wanted to explore some of my favourite rogue tropes, and she was perfect for it. In my head, she was definitely younger than the other two from my previous series. A bold type, a joker, but serious when it comes to her craft. Not with the same heavy emotional baggage (not at the start, at least - I felt like, opposed to Smoke!R who was more about distracting herself when she felt too much, our new R would be more about denial, or hiding her issues behind her jokes).

I found this song on some random playlist, and I knew it was her.

//You shut me down, you like the control

You speak to me like I'm a child

Try to hold it down, I know the answer

I can shake it off and you feel threatened by me

I tried to play it nice but

Oh-oh-oh, ooh, ooh

Don't kill my vibe

Oh-oh-oh, ooh, ooh

Don't break my stride//

To me, that was that moment she gets dragged into the car. Not having the obvious lies TP feeds her, definitely finding them all and the stuff they throw at her hilarious, calling them out on their bullshit without thinking twice over it.

//Guess you're surprised I'm the puzzle you can't figure out//

That got me an idea for part 2 and the coffee situation - come on, you know I can’t resist that trope when it comes to Neil, I think it’s an excellent way to get to know the characters a little bit and tell something more about the dynamic.

Tom Grennan - I might

To me, it’s another character introduction song.

//Oh I love, oh I love, love my freedom//

....you already know what I’m getting at, right?

//Don't want no one taking up my time

Staying on my mind, changing up my life

Don't want no one messing up my bed

Fucking with my head, it's no lie//

That’s her. R hates to be manipulated, that’s why she’s mad at Mahir. I didn’t want to put all the angst here, but I knew there was something deeper hidden there, after his comment about her trust issues. I didn’t know what exactly, but I knew it would come in handy later.

There was one spin on the story I was playing with - where she actually lets them all lead her on for a while, a whole elaborate ruse to get her invested and onboard, but that was a lot of drama quite early on, and I wanted this to be a lighter series (oh shush, I am well aware how that played out in the end, I tried, alright? Not my fault I apparently can’t come up with a story without sprinkling it with a shitload of angst)

//But when you look at me like that

I might//

See, this is when I stopped. I didn’t think R would be falling head over heels for Neil right from the start. That’s why the heart beating faster at the end of the chapter was supposed to be about the lock and something finally sparking her curiosity, taking her out of the boredom of everyday life.

Kings of Leon - Find me

That’s more chapter-specific.

//I really wanna know your name

See your face, know who you are, who you are

How did ya find me, how did ya find me?

What are you looking for, are you looking for

How did ya find me how did ya find me

Up in the shadow, picking up my load//

I found it quite fitting the moment R meets Neil again and he drags her to a back alley, and then again, in the car. She isn’t scared, more like fascinated, she finds the whole thing exciting, even.

American Authors - I’m born to run

Oh my god, the vibe of this song! This is that need for freedom and carelessness I needed to tap into.

//I'm gonna live my life like I'm gonna die young

Like it's never enough, like I'm born to run

I'm gonna spend my time like tomorrow won't come

Do whatever I want like I'm born to run

I wanna see Paris, I wanna see Tokyo

I wanna be careless even if I break my bones

I'm gonna live my life like I'm gonna die young

Like it's never enough, like I'm born to run

All these things I've seen and done

I live my life like I'm born to run//

The Pretty Reckless - Prisoner

Another random song I found one day while I was cooking breakfast. I was like “oooh, I dig that!” and then I listened to the lyrics and I knew I needed it for this story.

//You could have my body

But you can't have me

I know I'm a criminal

Don't you tell on me//

That’s it. Her. I knew that would be handy for the moment Neil breaks after all the teasing. And that criminal bit. I mean - come on!

Missy Elliot - Work it

(This is technically part 2 but it was messing with the flow on the playlist and I’m leaving it here)

Okay, this is quite meta and corny, because this is probably one of the oldest jokes you can find for Tenet, and I’ve been battling with myself if I should even put it here, but I referenced it in the chapter, so here we are. I’ve loved this song for years, and when I was trying to think what would R listen to while she tries to clear her head while she works on the bloody inverted lock - that was the only thing that seemed appropriate.

//Come on

Is it worth it? Let me work it

I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it

Ti esrever dna ti pilf nwod gnaht ym tup i//

...you see what I mean?

Chapter 2: Praise you

God, okay, this song - when I heard it while I was working on the story, it brought a movie-like montage of scenes in front of my eyes. You know the type, when they try to show you how the time passes, how someone progressively becomes better at something. That was Neil, working on those locks. R giving him tips, then teasing him. The way he loses his cool, only to slowly gain confidence, and then how she ups her game, both of them getting their bits of satisfaction from the whole game.

//We've come a long long way together

Through the hard times and the good

I have to celebrate you baby

I have to praise you like I should//

Have I ever told you when exactly I got the idea for the series? When I was writing that hostage situation fic and the moment R remembers her lockpicking sessions. I thought - what if it was the other way around? What if that was Neil who was about to start learning about picking locks?

It had so much potential for ✨hand content✨ and how could I resist?

...And I knew that R would see what I’m seeing, and she would rather like it. And the image of a very flustered Neil while she teases the hell out of him? Yep, yep, yep.

Sam Fender - Start again

This one definitely starts that montage as well, the repetition of going over and over again. Even if the whole song is definitely heavier than I needed, I decided to keep it, mostly for this part:

//Let's start again

Let's learn to talk

Without the fear of being heard

'Cause everybody's listening to everything and everybody

Let's pull the cord

Move below

Let's start again//

Chapter 3: Billy Raffoul - Difficult

Ah, Billy. And when I found this one, I got goosebumps, because I instantly knew that if I had to choose one song for them, it would probably be this one.

//You never get lost in love, you only get lost in me

You never can get enough of whatever you think you need

No matter how hard I try I never can beat this rush

Ain't nobody get me high, feel lighter when we touch//

This fits them so well, innit? We know how R feels about this whole love thing, she enjoys a good shag, and I had a feeling that after such a build-up, that night together would be something quite amazing, for both of them.

//We never get lost in love, we only get lost in sheets

You'd rather just shut me off whenever we get too deep//

That’s the moment when they have a vibe check in the morning. They had fun. Is it gonna affect their dynamic? They’re attracted to each other, they understand one another. Can they keep it casual? We know that R can, or at least she thinks so, but what about Neil? We know he’s a soft idiot, but I specifically imagined a bit younger version of him for this story - he had to be, if he was just learning about lockpicking. So the whole “no dating, just sex” could be fine with him for a while, but would he catch feelings anyway? Probably, yeah. And sooner than later.

//And now I'm standing in the rain

And your hair, it's falling in your face

And I know we're doing the right thing//

Not the rain, but shower, kinda works too, right? And I already knew that the rain would be a pretty important factor a little bit further into the story.

//But I can't help wondering, who will take my place?//

Ouch.

//On and off, difficult

Too in love to let it go

Now, who's gonna hold me like you do?//

The emotions in this bit, dear lord. It’s this high that takes your breath away, sweeps you off your feet, scorches the reality, and leaves no survivors.

That being said, I don’t think they are really in love at this point. They really care for each other, though, that’s where the softness comes from.

//Hmm who's gonna hold you like I do?//

I literally gasped when I heard that last line. Hits right in the heart, just as I like it.

Rhys Lewis - Waking up without you

There’s something in this song that makes it incredibly sexy. It was great for the morning after vibe, where they don’t really have enough of each other yet.

//Skin on skin

We didn't finish what we started

Heart to heart

I'm missing your love//

Keir - Probably

The way it flows? How powerful the chorus is? It’s heavy, hot, and just makes my heart beat faster.

//Colliding were the walls

And I forget where I began

I wish I could remember love//

Holy fuck. It always makes me think of something awakening deep inside R, definitely not ready to be acknowledged at that moment in the story.

//Probably underneath

There's a remedy

Possibly in the air

In the oxygen I breathe

Probably//

And this part is just mind-blowing. There’s this longing there, and if that feeling isn’t perfect for something more steamy, then I don’t know what is.

Dermot Kennedy - Glory

This one just… expands my heart? I don’t know how else to explain it. Especially the chorus. And then when I think of it in the context of the story, I somehow place it in TP’s office, when Neil gets all protective and doesn’t want to risk taking Reader on a mission where something can so easily go wrong, only because he isn’t prepared enough.

//A set of eyes had pinned him

Became his version of a kingdom

She's everything the devil can't be

When she's singing to me "Glory"//

Maybe that’s when he starts to realize that he cares more than he thought.

Rhys Lewis - Living in The City

If the previous song was Neil’s perspective, we’re back to R. Just look at the lyrics:

//I've been living in the city too long

I've been given everything that I've got

Been a sinner and a saint

Crazy, and sane

I've been living in the city too long//

We’re kinda circling back to part 1, that need to skip town, right?

//There's a part of my soul that wants to let go

Wants to just run away

But the rest of my soul says I should stay

I should stay//

And now we’re back when she can say that the mission is not her problem, she did the best she could, and TP can go fuck himself. Is it just that she feels responsible for her student? Or she likes him enough so she has to make sure he succeeds and comes back? Or she sees a friend in need, something to open, and doesn’t think twice about it?

Chapter 4: Bastille - World gone mad

God, do I love this song.

//So this is where we are

It's not where we had wanted to be

If half the world's gone mad

The other half just don't care, you see

You don't want to fuck with us

British to the very last

When it feels like the world's gone mad

And there's nothing you can do about it

No there's nothing you can do about it//

It felt so accurate for the part when R gets to see all that inverted reality? There’s a slight heaviness of heart there, and it matches the mood when she feels overwhelmed. On the other hand, there’s a bit of hope, the feeling of not being alone in this mad world, and that’s all that matters.

Who’s Molly - Touch the sky

Badass. Pure and simple. It hypes you up, brings a smile to your face, makes you believe everything is possible.

//We can never see beyond that horizon.

And no one knows this road and where it's going to lead.

But there's one thing, one thing that's for certain.

We'll make it through.

If you were here with me.//

That softer bit with inverted guns. And later on, throughout the chapter. They both find comfort in each other’s presence on the mission, after all.

//I wasted so much time trying to find a meaning.

I never looked up, couldn't seem to turn around.

And then you crashed in, and you gave my life a reason.

You pick me up, so high and my feet won't touch the ground, no no no.

Never would have thought I could win this battle.

I was left for dead, every hope in tatters.

We're going to set the world alight tonight.

Cause we can touch the sky!//

That’s the excitement and fun they’re having on the training grounds, not at all stressed about what’s to come.

//Close your eyes, free your soul.

You feel it, don't try it, then you’ll never know.//

Ah, and we’re here at my favourite reference to feeling something, thank you Mr Nolan, sir, so useful.😌

Dermot Kennedy - Young & free

Another one by Dermot Kennedy, and definitely not the last.

//All that she said to me stays with me, never to die

Held me brand new in the silence that went through the pines

Like I said already darling, I don't want you looking back at all the ghosts left behind

Know you'll stay near me so road remains hopeful this time

We were young

We were free, come on now, let it go//

The little whiplash in the mud, where they share a short moment, before they follow with the crackheadery, maybe partly to push back from coming close to something more meaningful. Because it’s there already, kindling, waiting to be spotted and recognized.

James Gillespie - Don’t let me get me

Okay, so - the original song by P!nk was always something that resonated with me, so when Spotify recommended that one, I was like “okay, I’m not sure why but let’s try it.” And then it brought me to that scene in the container.

//I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me

I'm my own worst enemy

It's bad when you annoy yourself

So irritating//

To be honest, I didn’t plan on R to have such a strong case of a mean brain. It was supposed to be a lighter series 🙃. But as you already know, those characters have minds of their own, and it kinda sorta happened. I knew it would be more of a simple panic than full-blown panic attacks that haunted StuckIn!R, topped with pretty loud intrusive thoughts causing her to spiral, especially when she was exhausted.

Ruelle - Oh my my

Listen to that one and tell me you don’t want to go on a sneaky mission, I dare you. I even had it noted as my title song, but then I switched to Bastille.

//I can feel it in my bones, in my bones

Hear it rumble like a drum, like a drum

Like a vapor in the wind, in the wind

You never see us creeping in, creeping in

Oh my my, oh my my

You never stood a chance

...

Ready or not, here we come//

The vibe is just amazing. The low-key hype? Is that a thing? It must be. And those drums! Even quite fitting for a patter of rain, one might argue.

Speaking of rain--

Chapter 5: Dermot Kennedy - After rain

The title alone is perfect for this chapter, but the rest of it - my poor heart. This chapter and the finale have some of the most beautiful and/or heart-wrenching songs I’ve ever heard, and this one is definitely one of them.

//But it's alright because

You cause lanterns to light

And force demons disperse

And if Lucifer may fear the swift drying of tears

Then, for evil, you could not be worse

But I see you now, yeah, I see you

And release me now, kinda like dreams do

And I see you now, was hard to see you

Just don't forget to sing

Remember everything//

So we have Neil storming off from the bathroom because he’s clearly going through something. The immense guilt brewing inside him, overflowing and backfiring, when he can’t cope with seeing her so battered, knowing that she may never fully recover, and just because he hesitated out there. The fear is there, but also other feelings he tries to keep in check now.

I had that image of R asking him to stay, then just breaking down in the darkness. I was aware it would only add to the issues Neil already had, but it would be nothing compared to the fact that she needs him, and he’d be ready to push everything that bothered him away to comfort her.

Humming a lullaby that he promised her in the container. And R recognized it (kind of), because he used parts of it to plead with her to stay with him after the fall, so she could one day hear the whole thing, because she took that rain check and she needed to cash it in, right?

...yeah, I like breaking my own heart, why? (should I write that part one day?)

//If you think just maybe it's her

Then promise me, young man, you're gonna let her know

You won't go lonely, yeah

It'll all be better in the morning

'Cause while you sleep, I'll build a wall//

Aquillo - Six feet over ground

Whenever I hear this song now, my mind goes to that scene in the bathroom.

//Today's the day I found myself alright

When I look ahead, pretend it never came.

I found a way to keep my head above

But the hardest part is to say 'No it's not'

Well I'm okay, and I'm still breathing

I'm still six feet over ground

But you don't need to know now

You don't need to know how I'm doing//

They both hide how they really feel. That they are not okay. They’re both scared, blaming themselves. Reader doesn’t want to worry Neil too much, but she also tries to convince herself that she is fine. And a moment of peace they share shatters as soon as she downplays what happened aloud, and when Neil goes off, she hides behind yet another joke, and then behind a blindfold.

Aquilo - Silhouette

The one for when R tells Neil goodnight and then can’t fall asleep. //Devil's on your shoulder

Strangers in your head

As if you don't remember

As if you can forget

It's only been a moment

It's only been a lifetime

But tonight you're a stranger

Some silhouette //

When he comes to check in on her, and something feels off. She’s lost, yet finds enough strength to ask him to stay.

//Just hold me//

Nathan Ball - Drifting

//I can see in your eyes

When you lie awake at night

You convince yourself you're fine, it's alright

To keep on drifting

With the drugs keeping you high

They catch you falling from the sky

I keep asking myself why

You stand by

And keep on drifting

…

So tell me what you hold inside

Tell the backstreets of your mind

You're still lonely as a child

Teary eyed

Kept on drifting//

Knowing our Reader a bit longer by now, I knew what would happen if she was to be left alone with her thoughts, in pain, and with Neil being weirdly distant.

Have you ever lied in bed, crying silently, trying not to wake up the person next to you but getting absolutely torn apart by the sadness roaring inside you? It’s a different kind of loneliness, not helping in the slightest when you’re biting back sobs. Anyway,--

//So take my hand and hold on

Take my hand don't let go//

That’s something that happened almost organically with these two. Part of their language, hand touches as a sign of support.

I gotta admit, I watched Shadow and Bone already being in the middle of writing the series and seeing how overused the hand-holding flashback was... it there made me slightly cringe every time it came up in the story I was writing later on. On the other hand (hah), it was so them. It had to stay.

Dean Lewis - Need you now - Acoustic

//Cold light wakes me in the morning,

Your side is empty I was calling out to you,

I was calling out to you.//

That’s the next day after R’s breakdown, but check out the next lyrics.

//But I don't need your love,

I just need your

Talking next to me when I wake up, wake up

Talking next to me when I wake up next to you,

When I'm hungover too.

Cause you're the only one who comes when I'm lonely,

You're the only one who comes when I'm lonely for you,

When I'm lonely for you.

All that I need is a sweet escape,

And all that I need is a sweet escape.

...

Cause I don't need your love

But I just need you now

And I don't need your love

I just need you now//

This, y’all, is R, still convinced that it’s not about love, and it’s so perfectly put into words, but the music and the vocals are dripping with longing, making it even more spot-on for the occasion.

RHODES - Breathe

The emotions captured in this… holy shit. They clench my chest and make me struggle for breath. This could have been a song playing in the background when R wakes up from a nap to Neil having a breakdown of his own.

//Mind break in two,

There's a light in the sky, there's a light

And it's all for you

Dawn colors all

Tell me how do you feel?

Tell me how do you need to heal?//

Looking for his hand, only to find a clenched fist. And when she realizes he’s been crying and she hears how broken he is, that’s enough to make her heart shatter, doubly so because he’s agonizing over something she feels responsible for.

//Breathe, release it all

Come on now, I'll keep you warm

Come on!

Breathe, release it all

Come on now, I need your love

Come on now!//

To me, every “come on”, repeated with urgency, is how desperate she is to make him stop spiraling down when she kisses him, and then again, more purposefully, until he gives in and comes back to her.

Circa Waves - Fire that burns - Acoustic

The one for ✨the moment✨.

//Comfort me, oh comfort me

I'm lighting up

To see the day you run for me

You run for me, my love//

Because they both seek comfort in the act, two broken people mending whole in each other’s embrace. Ultimately, finding there something more, whether they are ready to acknowledge it or not.

//But I've been tied up

For days

And I've been thinking of the things that you say

And I've been wound up

Each way

I need to let you know, to let you know today//

Neil already knows how important she is to him. And that’s what he tries to say between the choked-out words, that he thought he’d lost his chance to tell her how much she means to him.

//You call me a liar

You call me so innocent

But you lit the fire

You lit the fire that burns

The fire that burns inside us

I'm not innocent

I lit the fire, the fire, the fire

I lit the fire//

Oh yes, that bit definitely seeped into the chapter.

The XCERTS - Feels like falling in love - alternative version

//Keep yourself safe, keep yourself safe she said

You broke your own heart but there's no need to lose your head

Keep yourself sane, keep yourself sane he said

You gotta give up, give up, give up the dark

To start again//

You can see it, right?

Outlining the whole story, I knew that part 5 would be the part when they fall in love, or realize that they already might be.

//And it feels like falling in, falling in love

Yeah it feels like falling in, falling in, falling in love

Could save me tonight//

The 1975 - Fallingforyou

//According to your heart

My place is not deliberate

Feeling of your arms

I don't want to be your friend, I want to kiss your neck

Don't you see me I

I think I'm falling, I'm falling for you

And don't you need me I

I think I'm falling, I'm falling for you

On this night, and in this light

I think I'm falling (I think I'm falling), I'm falling for you

And maybe you, change your mind//

They’re so vulnerable there. Everything Neil pours into the act sweeps R off her feet and she opens up and to let him feel the extent of how much she cares for him, unaware that it might be shifting into something from the territory she promised herself not to venture into. Because that’s not important then. Nothing else is. Just them. So simple.

Adam French - Weightless

The light and softness in this song remind me of another Weightless I used for the finale of the Smoke series.

That’s the moment after. Softness. Closeness. Bliss.

//I told ya that you were the only weight on my shoulders

You see you're gonna make it alright

How you're gonna make it alright

When you're gonna make it alright, alright, alright

You say your body will

You say your body will

Hold me in the night

...

Only you can make me weightless

...

Closer is all I ever wanted to be

There for ya so you can be confiding in me

There to break the fall

Here for everybody to see

Weightless after all//

Chapter 6: Declan J Donovan - Perfectly imperfect

I had the moment they fall in love. I knew how it was gonna end, the conversation with Mahir and how it goes from there. I thought that we need some calm before the storm that was bound to happen, and what’s better than a little domestic fluff? A time when they can see each other in a different setting, get to know one another even better. Fall even harder.

And my god, this song.

//You live like you're a secret

One that only I could know

'Cause I said

You know what I want and

I know who you are

I know when I hold you and love you

You'll get up and go before you fall apart//

...that last line hits different when you know what’s gonna happen later, right?

//I'll bring you every colour that I find

In your eyes

You wake me up

And it breaks my heart

That you're perfectly imperfect

You're hurting but you're worth it

You don't know why

I would waste my time

But I'm falling and I mean it

I want you like I need it

There's nothing you could try to change my mind

'Cause I'm in love

So call me when you want me and I'll come running

Find me waiting at your door

So tell me if you're lonely and it won't last long

'Cause I'm in love with you (you)//

That light when the song gets to the part about being in love -- there’s so much tenderness there, and it resonated with the story so much. And the perfectly imperfect line, so so good.

Bastille - Survivin’

The way the song swings and the hopeful vibe is just what I needed for this chapter.

//And I'm not gonna lie

Say I've been alright

'Cause it feels like I've been living upside down

What can I say? I'm survivin'

Crawling out these sheets to see another day

What can I say? I'm survivin'

And I'm gonna be fine

I'm gonna be fine

I think I'll be fine//

As much as Reader didn’t want Neil to be there with her for so long, she really enjoys his company, making the boring and still rather painful recovery period easier.

Ella Henderson, Tom Grennan - Let’s go home together - stripped

Ha, this one! The humour when they tease other words always brings a smile to my face. That playfulness just fits our duo’s dynamic so well.

//Maybe you'll like me the way I am//

Crazy concept, right? And with Neil learning to spot the times when she hides behind a joke, and still being there--

//Feels like I know you so well

You could be everything that I've been missing

I'm coming out of my shell

And I never do that

How did you do that?

It's like I've known you my whole life//

That’s exactly how she feels like. She intently doesn’t think about it though, because if she starts overthinking it… we know what happens. She’s allowing herself to be in the moment, however. And happy.

//You seem like someone I could be myself with, no defenses

Maybe you like me the way I am//

That brings me to all Neil’s animated rants, and how much he appreciates that she always listens. He feels accepted, and I don’t know, it melts my heart a little.

//Baby, I'm in love//

🙃

INXS - Need you tonight

I know I used a cover of this song for another playlist, but the vibe was so different, and you just have to bear with me. It’s one of those songs that sparks the ideas and images, and usually, they involve Neil being a tease and having way too much fun. And as I was plotting the chapter, I thought of R missing out on his shenanigans, and how he could make her see what he was doing, and 😳 oh my. I knew the imagination would run wild. (That definitely might have something to do with a certain scene from a certain movie and a conversation I had with M about how Neil would handle it)

//So slide over here and give me a moment

Your moves are so raw, I've got to let you know

I've got to let you know

You're one of my kind

I need you tonight

'Cause I'm not sleepin'

There's somethin' about you, girl

That makes me sweat//

That’s one sexy song, don’t judge me.

Dermot Kennedy - Days like this

Oh, would you look at that, it’s Dermot again! This one is for that scene on the balcony.

That quiet contentment, like everything fell in its place and life is alright.

//When it's not always raining, there'll be days like this

When there's no one complaining, there'll be days like this

When everything falls into place, like the flick of a switch

Oh my mama told me, there'll be days like this

When you don't need to worry, there'll be days like this

When no one's in a hurry, there'll be days like this

When you don't get betrayed by that old Judas kiss

Oh my mama told me, there'll be days like this//

They’re in the moment, comfortable in the relationship that blooms between them. More casual and laid-back throughout the day only to get more soft and intimate in the evenings, when the inner demons’ voices grow louder.

James Bay - Chew on my heart - acoustic

The way the chorus explodes? It makes me beam widely and my heart is about to burst.

//Take your time

I'll be right here

I know no one could ever love me better

Take all night

You're the truth that

Is breaking me and keeping me together

Together

I wanna be in your touch

Sleep is so tough

You're burning up my mind

What would it feel like if you tore me apart?

Come on chew on my heart

...

I'm on fire

I'm a hot mess

I'm thinking things that I might start regretting

So hear me out

I need you now

I'm spiraling

I'm sinking down

Look for me I'm sending up a message

A message//

I think it weirdly fits those times at night when Neil checks the bruises. When their minds wander to that first evening, and they still feel bad about how it ended up, the closeness brings them back to the present and grounds them.

Picture This - Unconditional

This one just makes my heart sing.

//This magic, I don't know what it is but we have it

Even when we're sleepless and damaged

I don't doubt it

We're holding on//

That’s exactly it.

//Baby I wish we could take this feeling

And put it away somewhere safe

'Til we need it

Unconditional

I'm so afraid of losing your love//

They don’t need big words. But they feel it, all right. Whether they are aware of it or not. And they are afraid of losing each other, now that they know how easily that could happen.

//Shivers running down my back with your fingers

The smell of your perfume it lingers

And whispers

What I want you to say

Under your skin, underdressed under covers

We bring out the best in each other

Two lovers finding our way//

The kiss, the touch, the skin on skin contact - some of the most powerful reminders that, for now, they’re safe.

BANNERS - Start a riot

But it’s not always about going all the way, because sometimes you just need to be held. And this song just speaks to me of all that tenderness, all the feelings clenching the heart so much they’re unable to say a word, just want to keep each other as close as they can. Just to make sure they’re really there.

//I will march down an empty street like a ship into the storm

No surrender, no retreat

I will tear down every wall

Just to keep you warm

Just to bring you home

I will burn this city down for a diamond in the dust

I will keep you safe and sound when there's no one left to trust

Will you take my hand?

We can make our stand

If your world falls apart

I'd start a riot

If night falls in your heart

I'd light the fire

In the dark, when you sound the alarm

We'll find each other's arms

For your love, all you are

I'd start a riot//

The lyrics are so beautiful, and there’s so much longing there, and the promise to protect each other, to be there for each other, to face whatever life might throw their way together.

Yeah, it makes me emotional, I absolutely love it. Speaking of emotional--

Chapter 7: Stone Sour - Wicked game - acoustic, live

When Spotify recommended this one to me, I almost skipped it. I’ve heard it a million times in different versions and I thought that there’s nothing to be found there. Oh, was I wrong.

I knew what was going to happen in the chapter - Mahir is about to confront R, surprised by what he sees. And he can clearly recognize that they’re idiots in love, even if they’re trying to lay low in the company. He knows what happened to R, why she’s so cautious and reluctant when it comes to any relationships that are more than simple hookups.

//The world was on fire and no one could save me but you

It's strange what desire will make foolish people do

And I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you

And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you//

Because that’s how it started, right? With desire. One could argue that our duo had solid banter before that, respect and understanding, all those things, sure. But ultimately, that was all that sexual tension, sparked by the playful teasing, that pushed them into each other’s arms in the first place.

//No, I don't want to fall in love

With you, with you

What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way

What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you//

And when Reader finally lets the thought in and it dawns on her that she is, in fact, in love - she goes into full panic. Not because she feels it’s unrequited, god, she’s not stupid, nor blind (too soon?). But she’s mad at herself that she allowed this to happen. She’s afraid that she’ll get hurt, and to avoid that, she has to run away. And that’s gonna hurt Neil as well, and she can’t stand that, hates herself for that, but she’s so scared that she can’t think of any other solution.

Before we get to that, however, there’s a bit more softness to be shared.

Lewis Watson - Little light

//And all this shade is, illuminating

And all those love lines, are taking shape

And all my worries, disintegrating

And I've been waiting, I've been waiting

And all my days were young and wasted

When I was waiting, oh for you

And all the plans that I've been chasing are always fading

But ever since I found you

A little light is breaking through//

Gotta admit, I had this one hidden in the playlists of other chapters, because it captures that feeling when your chest is filled with light and you’re simply happy. It ended up here, because it’s this feeling when R is melting a little inside when she looks at Neil, when she’s in his arms. And how Neil feels, too.

X Ambassadors - Renegades

Funny, I had this song for both times the team appears in the story. There’s this sense of camaraderie to it that I wanted to capture, when you’re with a bunch of people who are like family to you. You can tease them all you want, but at the same time you’d go into battle with them, knowing that you can count on them to have your six.

//Long live the pioneers

Rebels and mutineers

Go forth and have no fear

Come close and lend an ear

…

All hail the underdogs

All hail the new kids

All hail the outlaws

Spielbergs and Kubricks

It's our time to make a move

It's our time to make amends

It's our time to break the rules

Let's begin//

I wanted R to have a taste of that. To let her know that she’s appreciated for helping with the mission. To get to know them all better, and to make amends with TP, of sorts.

I didn’t want to make his motivation clear. He wouldn’t tell her that he knows how the story ends. That he can’t help that, deep down, irrationally, he made her responsible for it. Even if she’s not the one to blame. (And I don’t believe he let’s that happen, in the end, because that’s too much angst, even for me - again, fuck you, Mr Nolan, sir)

Corey Taylor, Dave Grohl, Rick Nielsen, Scott Reeder - From can to can’t

Christ almighty, this one is so raw! The emotional progression in here just blows my mind.

//Under the water

It's cold and it's grey

My torrid autumn

Another season decays

Open up the Hollow

And my walls come down

I tell you it's a problem

Just when no one's around

But then

I know what's wrong

God, you complicated everything

I know you're gone, gone, gone

This is where I will draw my line

I will draw my line//

To me, it’s the scene with R having a breakdown in the bathroom, and then somehow finding the solution. She has a plan, and enough strength and determination to pull through, at least for a moment.

Chapter 8: Dan Owen - Hideaway

I found this song by accident, and I almost screamed at how perfect it is for the finale (and then screamed for the second time when my dearest friend @connie-nikas casually sent me this exact song one day saying that it sounds like something I’d enjoy). The intensity just tears your heart out and makes you struggle to draw a breath, there’s something desperate to it, and I knew that it would be my go-to song for the part where R sleeps with Neil, trying one last time to drown all the pain and sorrow in his closeness.

I could just paste all the lyrics, to be honest, because that’s exactly what’s happening in the scene.

//It's a long way down

I keep backing away from the edge

And it's a slow burnout

Like the fires that rage in my head

And it's a slow cry out

When you've got so many tears you could die

And it's a long time to wait

When you take all my tears away//

Oh, she’s on the verge of tears, all right. Knowing quite well that as soon as Neil picks on them, he’s gonna stop to make sure she’s okay. That once he starts asking questions, she’s gonna fall into pieces, unable to lie to him.

//My body is colder

Time is frozen

All these feelings have poisoned my soul

And in silence no I can't stand it

Please break these chains and hell I can

Hideaway//

She’s scared that if she’s left alone with her thoughts, they will break her and make her stay. What she fears most (besides that she’s gonna end up betrayed, alone and heartbroken) is how Neil’s gonna react to her actions. The last thing she wants is to hurt him. She just hopes that maybe if she leaves now, it’s not gonna be as painful as it would be if she stayed a bit longer. That maybe he’s not fallen in too deep.

//You're my one way out

And my tears won't save me now

Save me now

I can't stand it

All this loneliness I feel

I can't do this alone

I need someone to remind my feelings

That I've fallen down by the door

It's a long way down and my tears won't save me now

It's a long way down

I keep backing away from the edge

And it's a slow burnout

Like the fires that rage in my head//

Macy Gray - I try

One of the first songs that came to my mind when I was composing the playlist for the series. It may be a tad too upbeat for my liking, hah, but parts of the lyrics are spot on, and it had to be there.

//I try to say goodbye and I choke (Yeah)

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not near

Goodbye and I choke (Yeah!)

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not near//

It makes me think of the time when they’re in the car. She’s going over the plan, kinda skipping the moment she’d have to say goodbye to Neil. That’s the unbearable part. And when he asks an innocent question and touches her, she crumbles and jokes. Partly to distract him from prodding further, but mostly to distract herself. I didn’t plan on them getting all worked up there, it...happened, but I figured it made for a decent ground for what was about to go down in the hotel room.

Belle Mt. - Hollow - acoustic

//She told me she was hollow

That's far from what I see//

That feeling you get when everything is too much and it leaves you hollow because you can’t take it anymore. A safety mechanism of sorts. It kicks in with Reader, and of course, Neil can sense that something is off. He hopes it’s just her being tired, he knows how she feels after spending too much time with people.

//I told her she was special

She almost let me in

But she couldn't bear the thought of digging up the heart that she's been burying//

We already know it. The thing is - Neil doesn’t. They haven’t really talked about it. Well, they did after the first night, but with all the things that happened later… and with how much affection she shows him? He doesn’t have a reason to suspect something this big.

//Lonely is her favourite

If only I could change it

If I could only save her

But sometimes she's lost, sometimes she's broken

Sometimes she's closed, sometimes she's open

Sometimes she's stone-cold, times she's on fire

Mostly she's everything I desire

Lonely is her favourite place to be//

Galleaux - Tether me

I had it on repeat when I was writing that part when R collapses in Neil’s arms when they’re in bed. Did I mention that I didn’t want Reader to be this emotional in the first part of the chapter? I thought she’d be more distant. Numb, even, here and there slipping up but holding it together until the very end. And then she does that. But it was Neil’s reaction that left me all 🥺. Not only me, apparently, because she let out so much there. I think my heart broke a little when she gave me that make love to me/love me/ never let me go part.

//In this space, do I belong?

It's dark out here in my own thoughts

Pull me back, out of my body

I'm tied to my limbs

They're spinning me out of control

Tether me//

And the way the music builds up only to blow up at 3:11, heavens, and those vocals! It just takes my breath away, fits so well there.

Nothing But Thieves - Lover, please stay

There can’t be a series playlist without Nothing But Thieves! And it’s another song Chels sent me. The way it broke me-- bloody hell. It’s that gentle guitar, it’s the raw emotions in the vocals, and those lyrics! It rips my heart out, in the best way possible.

It’s for that part where Neil falls asleep and R breaks down, fully realizing what she is about to do.

//Lover, I know you're weary

Eyes are tired from the night

Lover, come to the kitchen floor

Tiles are cold, so am I//

You bet your ass she’s having flashbacks to those moments on the cold tiles, but in her bathroom.

//Lover, I feel your sorrow pouring out of your skin

And I don't wanna be alone

If I am tonight, I'll always be//

Lonely might be her favourite place to be, but losing Neil by her own decision hurts more than she thought possible.

//So take from me what you want, what you need

Take from me whatever you want, whatever you need

But lover, please stay with me, oh//

You know what’s the worst, though? As if that scene was not heartbreaking enough, my brain decided to remind me how much it parallels part 7 from Stuck in reverse. Yep. ✨Pain.✨

Foo Fighters - Home

When she walks to her apartment. Crying. Broken. Missing him already.

//Wish I were with you

But I couldn't stay

Every direction

Leads me away

Pray for tomorrow

But for today

All I want is to be home//

About to leave for good.

This is the bit that prompted the final conversation. What even is home to her? Living the way she does, it never was something important. I struggled with that idea, I thought it’s too sweet. But Neil, the stubborn ass that he is, didn’t want to give me anything else, so it stayed - and in the end, I’m happy that it did.

BANKS - Someone new

Okay, this one is perfect with its sadness and longing, but it’s a hit and miss when it comes to lyrics. Take a look -

//I can love you desperately

Though your love ain't guaranteed

Oh, I wish you knew the deal

Gotta learn from far away

And I simply needed space

Space for me to be

And I think you need it too

Though I know you call me selfish for assuming

I did this for you too//

This, this, all of this! You see it, right?

//Everything I do, I'm gonna think of you

Don't know what else to do//

Well, one could argue that they could just talk it through without all the drama, but hey, where’s the fun in that? And running away really seems like the best option to R.

//And please don't fall in love with someone new

I promise one day I'll come back for you//

And here it’s off because I don’t think she plans on going back. So she wouldn’t want him to not fall in love with someone else, because why would she? He deserves to be happy.

//Oh, you say you hate me now and you burn me with your words

Calling me a fool

Saying that I've fucked up everything

And you'll never forgive me//

See, I have a few options for what to do when Neil finds her at the riverside. I knew one thing though - it would never be a full-blown argument and accusations. At first (and when I say first I mean before I actually started writing chapter 1, because I already had the last scene plotted out by then), I thought Neil would be calm, with a kind of “I know you love me too, silly, so what on earth are you doing?” vibe to him, to R’s annoyance. Then, the story became heavier, and I knew Neil would be worried. Lost. Confused. But never to the point of losing his temper, not after that one time in the bathroom. And that’s what happens in that scene. He doesn’t know what to do as he tries to make some sense out of it all.

Agnes Obel - Riverside

//Oh my God I see how everything is torn in the river deep

And I don't know why I go the way

Down by the riverside//

As I mentioned, I knew what I wanted for the final confrontation from the start. That’s why I tried to make that river quite important for both of them, weaving it into the story here and there. That’s why they instinctively go there.

Billy Raffoul - Dark four door

There’s this sad acceptance in this song that just breaks my heart. It makes me think about the moment when Neil wakes up and sees that she’s gone. How he doesn’t know what’s going on, and how his mind slowly connects all the things that felt strange, but he’s unwilling to accept it until he checks Reader’s place. And much it costs him to keep it together when he sees that the bag is gone.

//You got up, you felt you should

I keep trying to myself I would've done the same had I could

I never thought that you would//

Chris Cornell - Before we disappear

Whenever I hear this song, I think of Neil standing there with Reader, hurt, trying to understand what went wrong.

//So how hard can it be to share your life with me?

How hard can it be to rise with me each morning?//

Dermot Kennedy - A closeness

The last one by Dermot. If that isn’t their conversation--

//Keeping her bright eyes focused on the coastline, waiting for you

Isn't she all of us pining for that last kiss

A permanent truth, a means to get through//

Why does she stay up for so long in their spot? Does she subconsciously count on him to show up? Unable to let go, once and for all?

//Deep into the night, eyes closing

Heart swollen with my loving for you

A solid embrace, kind face

And then the hurt starts leaving the room, followed by goons

Sometimes it's open wide and lights the road at night

You've got a heart like the moon

Gather courage, if you're doing something, do it

'Cause she got to go soon//

And when Neil sees her, he wants nothing more than to hug her, he’s so relieved. But then she snaps at him, and he can’t believe that she’d actually think that he planted a bug on her to track her. It’s another wound he didn’t expect, but he waits for her to explain her actions before he lets out how much it all affected him.

Ryan McMullan - Outcry

I was close to making this one a title song for the chapter because as Hideaway sounds like it was written for the time they make love, this one is for the time Neil asks why she left.

//You came a long way to see me

So don't you run off, baby stop pretending that you're fine

What's the point that you're making

Tell me what it is that's going 'round inside your mind

If in doubt, don't fake it

I have known you long enough to know that you can't lie

If you're in love don't be ashamed of it

'Cause even angels fall for demons//

God, of course he saw that she wasn’t alright that night, but she seemed so sure about what she needed that moment that he decided not to push her - they had all the time in the world, he could ask her about it in the morning, right?

And Neil knows when she’s hiding behind jokes. That’s why he doesn’t want to play her game when she deflects what he says about the way she was in bed. He wants her to be honest. Especially since he knows what he saw in her eyes, in her actions, when they were together, and he’s sure it all must have meant something to her.

//I've heard stories, but they're jaded

So give me something more

I only know what I've been told

But I can tell that you're frustrated

And I won't ever pry, I'll only be a hand to hold

If you tell me you're hurting

I'm hurting too, yeah

Don't tell me you're fine - unless you're fine

I'll wait for the outcry

Whenever there is something weighing on your mind//

And Neil knows he can’t pressure her, that’s why he just stands with her and waits. Sweeping his mind over and over again for anything that could have prompted this whole mess.

//If you feel like leaving

Then maybe it's for the best

Or if you feel like you've given in

Oh, give yourself a chance

If you feel like crying

Oh please don't hold it in

If you feel like reaching out oh

Let me in//

His heart is aching when he hears her reason why she feels like she has to leave. That’s when he touches her. To pull her back from her head to something real. To remind her that nothing has changed. That he’s there, and not going to let her go that easily. That he loves her, because he needs her to hear it, so she knows for sure. And when she tears up, there’s only one desperate plea in his mind.

Gavin James - Hard to do

One heavy hitter after another, and this is another killer. The longing in Gavin’s voice clenches your chest and you just want to hide in somebody’s arms.

//Oh, I've been thinking that I don't wanna leave

This house isn't home to me

I'm tired of losing everyone I see

Now that you're here, it's a hard thing to do

Trying to hold on//

Does she really want to leave? She feels she has to, but god, if only she knew for sure her heart is safe, she would stay with him forever. The problem with life is - you can never be so sure. And when Neil shows up… it takes everything, even unreasonable anger, to keep her together.

//Maybe I don't believe that I don't wanna run

But two hearts are better than one

You say you'll stick around but I'll be gone

Oh, I'll be gone

It's a hard thing to do, trying to hold on//

Reader knows that it’s gonna be nearly impossible to walk away now. And she’s afraid.

//Oh, but I need you

Far more than I ever want you

It's such an unnatural thing we do

When falling in love's just so hard to do

Hard to do//

She can’t bring herself to look at him after she tells him what’s going on with her. But when Neil touches her and takes her hand, she can’t keep it inside anymore. Then he tells her that he loves her, and everything floods her at once. Fear. Guilt. Love. All that combined with his simple plea is enough to finally make her give in.

Damien Rice - I don’t want to change you

I had it on repeat since the moment Neil touched her. The softness of what happens there, melting the barriers once and for all.

//Wherever you are

You know that I adore you

No matter how far

Well, I can go before you

And if ever you need someone

Well, not that you need helping

But if ever you want someone

Know that I am willing//

He’s there for her. Always has been, always will be.

//Oh, and I don't want to change you

I don't want to change you

I don't want to change your mind//

Here. I think that’s what is really important about them and their relationship.

//I've never been with anyone

In the way I've been with you

But if love is not for fun

Then it's doomed

'Cause water races

Water races down the waterfalls//

Lucy Spraggan - Run

Ha, this kinda feels like an end-credits song, don’t you think?

//I just to run to the end of the world

Just to see if it's possible

I don't care what I've been told

I want to run to the end of the world

I'm going to run,run,run

Bye bye problems

Run 'til the road hits the sea

You better run,run,run

If you want to be free//

Granted, she didn’t run off without Neil, but found a way to run with him instead. There’s that heart-bursting light and freedom in this song, I think it captures that happiness they found, working it all out in the end.

//I wanna feel invincible

One more mile out of principle

I want to see the whole damn world

One cross road can change it all//

Travelling the world. Doing what they like most. Together.

------

Quite a journey that was.

Thank you all for taking it with me.

#long nights #long nights playlist #bts long nights

[sword-of-summer]

All of them answer every question fuck you

ahahaha no i respectfully deny your "fuck you" and i accept the ask and so-

i am 5'10", and i don't wish to be taller or shorter- i am the perfect height for hugs and messy hair, and yep, i like it here-

dream pet would be a mix of golden retriver and a husky called Holly and a chonky cat called Loki- yes ofcourse my future kids have names everyone should name their future pets-

ripped jeans/black pants with a Darth Vader tshirt or a Ethnic Fusion Kurta with black sneakers/artificial leather slip-ons, and if it's cold, a black jacket open obviously- and a black wristwatch i love my black wristwatch.

favourite video game was Clash of Clans and going even back, GTA Vice City and, the og- MARIIOOOO

three things/people are Oreos, Nutella and Pizza. The Holy Trinity-

"Beware me my fingers are smeared with chicken popcorn grease"

you didn't mention an opinion, @chunkybirb, so imma give my opinion on Vanilla ice cream and Nutella- ANYONE WHO HADN'T COMBINED THESE TWO COMBINE THESE TWO THEY ARE FUCKING AWESOME

im either phlegmatic or melancholic bruh idk maybe ik or maybe not

im v v v v ticklish

not an allergy, but an intense hatred for ketchup- i vomit if it gets too close to me fuck you ketchup

im heterosexual

any between tea and coffee but full milk coffee (ik, kill me), never had cocoa- but i love a chocolate or nutella milkshake

both. both is good. (cat and dog)

i would be an elf cause hell yeah, knowledge and wisdom

favourite youtuber is Samay Raina, a stand up comedian turned youtuber who is just awesome-

as i mentioned in 1., i am 5'10"

i would not change my name cause it's the coolest fucking name ever, i am Tanay, and Tanay in Hindi means Son, and my parents literally named their son Son, and hell yeah i like it

i forgot how much i weigh- last i checked it was 75 kilos, but ive gained weight since 2019 so yep, gotta walk in the mornings

yes i believe in metaphysicality cause one- it seems cool- second- me and @theclassyghost discussed a metaphysical life theory that i really really like and metaphysicality gives preservation of knowledge so i believe in spirits

SPACE. SPACE. SPACE.

im not that religious, no

pet peeves no well nah not really

nocturnal def nocturnal i sleep at 4.50 anyway hehehehe

fav constellation is Cassiopeia

fav star is Sirius tho

what the fuck are ball jointed dolls

i do have a fear of losing people that's just anxiety i guess

yep, global warming is real

never thought that much about reincarnation tbh but maybe, i do

fav movie is Spider Man : Into The SpiderVerse and Inception and The Dark Knight Rises and Revenge of The Sith and yes, for my indian gang, 3 Idiots and Gully Boy

yep i get scared v v v easily

i have had no pets but i plan to once i grow up

@chunkybirb 's blog is fucking cool awesome and *chef's kiss* a masterpiece

blue calms me. i love blue.

live in Norway cause pretty lights, snow, and less people than this overpopulated country i am in

born in Mumbai, India

v v v dark brown like it's almost black but no it's dark brown

introvert

horoscopes and zodiacs, i do read them, never believed that much tbh-

HUGS I LOVE HUGS

i really wanna visit my brother i haven't met him in a long time i really wanna play cricket w him just like old times

my sister- she's annoying but well i care for her

nah

tattoos idk bruh im okay idk may get one or may not get one

nope, smoking is ewwww *vomits*

ah my crush- she's cool [ if she exists

when the chalk doesn't write on the board but goes iiiiiieeee I HATE THAT

a sound i love is rain pitter pattering i just hhhhhh sends me into happiness

nope fatass here

nope fatass here

favourite actors have to be eddie redmayne, oscar issac and pedro pascal- and margot robbie and winona ryder in the actresses section also yes, elliot page

bruh already answered in 30.

im okayish!! spotify and tumblr, cool combo-

my hair are okay being black for me

yesterday, monday, from 6.40 to 6.50

music

uhhh naah not that i know of

well in Rick Riordan's Magnus Chase books, the sword of Frey aka Sumarbrander TALKS and demands to be called Jack, so here i am

bakwaas, music and comfy

yep, i believe in evolution

unfollow on hate and when they dm me sending nsfw pics ugh why are people like that

follow, well, i like people and they seem cool, so i follow them

fav kind of person is the one who'll sit with me for hours not even talking and just vibing to music

fav animals are beavers, doggos and cats

three fav blogs are @chunkybirb, @theclassyghost, @little-boats-on-a-lake, @aredhel-of-gondolin, @sue-me-imbadass, @alleenkaas, @my-ackerman, @brrrrrrrrrrzone

fav emoticon has to be ☹ this me seeing my stupidity outrank others

fav meme has to be Butternut is a master of psychological manipulation

INTP

Libraaa let's go

no dog, i have

black darth vader tshirt, black pants, black sneakers and black wrist watch

i have no selfies my phone has no cameras i live in eternal darkness

what the fuck are platform shoes

i, uhhh, i remember weird things like what i drew in class in 3rd while i was supposed to be doing english

lazy ass here, no front flips possible

i like birds they fly

nope i don't Iike swimming i like blankets

wrapped up in blankets reading books sounds better than both

ketchup

hyperspace travel

nope none

reading writing eating sleeping

my friend

tumblr seems cool

i have around 60-70 idk

yes i can run but why

yes they do but what's the fun in that

nope I'd fall over

sapphire let's go

koala bear or panda

sunflower or the one on a lemon tree

ketchup store

one cup of coffee is enough, tysm

read minds that sounds cool cool yeaaahh

nope never wore it a black clothes guy here BatMan

winter winter all year long

i don't know and i don't wanna try

i don't know and i don't wanna know

everyone cause they are better than me

bookstores cause bookstores any bookstores

sneakers, black onez

apparently some gas bitches mixed up to form a planet

non vegetarian but i partake meat just twice or thrice in two weeks

i don't know they don't seem like liking

naaaaaaaah

bugs ew

spiders ew

about the fact that i come off as arrogant and overconfident while in reality it's just that my communication skills suck

i can draw averagely whenever im in a mood

this thing im answering but i like answering it

uhhhhhhh brain freeze- idk bruh questions are good they give knowledge

yep, while sleeping

ahh yes calming, they are

cloudy days cause fucking cool vibes

hehehe wouldn't you like to know, weatherboy

CumuloNimbus i really like it's name yknow nimBUS

dark blue, dark blue always or black

naaaah no freckles

fav thing is when they laugh and it's just happy and we're both laughing like shitheads but who cares we're rebelling against depressing life and we laugh

both. both is good [ fruits and vegetables

sleep but i have to answer 170 questions cause @chunkybirb

sky sky sky it's my blog's header duh uh sKy

sweet and sour candy. SWEET AND SOUR CANDY.

dim lights it makes me feel cool

ahhh so here we go- Mooncalfs, Thunderbirds, Phoenixes, Sphinxes, Dragons that seem to be Space Nebulae, and more and more and more

i really feel like a boomer sometimes

i love everything about this site/app it makes me feel happy cause i like the people and the posts

uhhhhh i think too much about everything cause i just do. i like thinking

"He's dead, guys. For the sake of The Force, please watch Star Wars now he wanted to discuss it with you" actually no i would just say "A big shoutout to Garlic Bread he loved Garlic Bread"

myself cause i should be sleeping but sleep is for the weak and i am the weak and the strong i am a paradox-

that i obsess too much on things and try involving people it never works out

nope. had braces for 4 years, that beat out teeth showing smiles

i prefer computer-tv ahahahahaha

never tried them, so IDK

naaaaah not motion sickness- never travelled by sea so idk seasickness

lobed ears

yep i believe that deeds do count in life and beyond

idk bruh i don't believe in physical attraction too much- bodies are fake- mentally/metaphysically tho, im a 7

ahhhhh many many Stupid Genius, Tani, Tanu, Tanya

i still do-

i really want to talk to a therapist. converse. and discover.

im both, i am both.

10:1 is the ratio- giving 10, receiving 1

uhhh nothing just when i am right and people use the old "disrespect" argument

3, Hindi, Marathi, English

girls

uhh no i am not

my hair i love them everyone says things about my hair but i love them

knowledge vibes i give, someone tells me- and that's all i ever wanted

anyone i know tbh, my mutuals, my friends, my discord friends

ahhh no i wouldn't but i wish i was born 20 years earlier

bleh bloo, neither like nor dislike

i don't know if i have one

i don't know, haven't had physical contact in a long long long time in a galaxy far far away

the above point stands but i would like to ig

anything i write, 3 hours later, i instantly hate just idk why

anything i write

that i am normal no i am not and i am not okay hahahahaha

65-70 ish people

somewhere around-

many many many don't ask please but okay if you do ask

somewhat

uhhhhh idr exactly but i won't tell in public duh uh

mediummm hairrrr

last year lockdown i became harry potter

i don't know buddy i seriously don't know

yep i do cause knowledge i like knowledge

naaah never tried

no i definitely cannot stand on my hands or my head for more than 30 seconds

yep, im pretty sure i answered most of them correctly-

og link-

#personal #ask #tumblr

[suekre]

So ive followed you a VERY long time (like from the deviantart days lmao) and i only just realised that you were talking about ocd in that post. Just wanted to let you know that i have ocd as well and god it is exhausting and i know exactly how you feel! I finally start therapy for it in 2 weeks. Pls know that i love your art and you very much and appreciate everything you create and share with us. All the best!! X

Hey you, I know you! Thank you for coming to my inbox and sharing this with me, I appreciate that so much. :) I am SUPER happy for you that you are about to get the help you need, that is awesome. I wish I could have had it at the time!

(And oh boy, the good old deviantart days, haha! Always happy to have my longtime followers around! :D)

OCD is exhausting indeed. People who aren’t affected can’t imagine what a nightmare it is. I, personally, am more prone to intrusive thoughts than actual obsessive-compulsive behavior. When people hear „OCD“, they usually think of obsessive hand washing or „leaving out every black tile while walking through a kitchen“ or so, while it can manifest in other ways. I didn’t know back then. I just thought I was going completely crazy at the time. I think I mentioned my disorder at times but I never actually openly talked about my own experiences (where I come from, mental disorders are a big NO NO, because it’s all in your head, just pull yourself together, other people are ACTUALLY suffering, it’s just dumb thoughts, you just need to think positive, y’know).

I kinda feel like doing it now. Just to get it out, and also to occupy my brain and hands and hey, maybe someone else can pick this up and find themselves in my own experiences. I sure know how relieved I was when I found out I wasn’t alone with my what I thought was a ‚Very Weird, Unique and Niche Problem‘.  

I gotta admit first - I’m doing much better nowadays. Even my worst days, as horrible as they may feel at the time, do in no way compare to the hell I went through in the second half of 2015. I have come a long way since my last (and so far worst... omg, oof, I hope there won’t be another) episode of intrusive thoughts. But, oh boy, was it intense.  It was the absolute worst time of my life, ever. I’m not writing this to scare anyone. Anyone who is familiar with this, will know how bad it is and anyone who can’t relate at all won’t feel affected anyway and will maybe even think something along the lines of „What the fuck?!“. I get it. It DOES sound crazy.

I have always been an overthinker. I always needed more validation and reassurance than other people around me and for the longest time I had no idea why that was. It was usually subtle - always kinda there but never strong enough to actually affect my life in a negative way. I just felt off at times, and not always super good. But I was generally ok, I could always manage.

Until that one episode that changed my life forever. I know that sounds dramatic but, even though I am in a good place nowadays, it sure DID change my life. I was 31, I lived together with my then-boyfriend and I still remember the exact date. Friday, July 24th, 2015. I remember the exact moment when my entire mind collapsed. It’s so weird, it literally happened from one second to the other. I am not making this up to sound more dramatic, it was a matter of seconds.

I was on my way home after work and I felt… restless and stressed. It felt good to get off work (it was my first full time job and... it didn’t go well, to put it nicely) but I was no longer really looking forward to my week off, and our trip to our favorite Open Air the following week. I picked up some dinner on my way, I came home, and I saw my boyfriend in the middle of the living room, he was making some preparations for our upcoming trip. When I saw him, tall and handsome and smiling at me, I smiled back but inside I felt like crying. My smile was fake. Kissing him felt weird, and also fake. And all of a sudden, there it was. The life changing thought:

„I don’t love him anymore.“

A simple thought. I had weird thoughts before, like anyone does, but they never had any greater impact on me. This time, though, that one thought knocked me off my feet. Not literally, I had turned into a pillar of salt somehow. This was the Perfect Man Of My Dreams (at least that was what I thought back then). The man I wanted to spend my life with, the man who made me happy every day! How could that even be, how could I even think something like that?

I felt even more restless. I didn’t tell him, of course. When he asked how my day was, I put on my fake smile again and said it was okay. We ate our dinner (although I had instantly lost any appetite), and I kept looking at him and the thoughts... just kept coming back.

You don’t love him anymore. What if you don’t love him anymore?

On repeat. It was awful. I just couldn’t shake them off.

It’s the stress, I tried to tell myself. You’re overworked. It’ll be good, you just need some rest.

But I couldn’t relax. My heart was racing, my blood was pumping. I didn’t know what was going on. I begged him to leave his work undone and take me out for an after work drink and he agreed. All the time, the thoughts wouldn’t leave my mind. I didn’t want to think them, but they were merciless, they just kept coming back. I felt so helpless.

A few drinks later, I had calmed down a bit, at least so much that I could stand to look at my BFs face again without feeling guilty. There you go, I said to myself, not quite convinced, you’ll be good. It’s already wearing off. When we crawled into bed later, I was tired and relaxed (and tipsy) enough to sleep and convinced that this was just a little glitch, that things would be just fine in the morning.

When I woke up, I felt exhausted. My heart was racing... and the thoughts came back IMMEDIATELY.

You don’t love him anymore. You gotta leave him.

What. The. HELL!? Why are these thoughts still a thing? Why are they still there? Why do they keep coming back?

I kept trying to push them away but the more I tried, the more intense they became. As if they tried to spite me. I started losing focus on everything else around me, the world slowly started to blur. It was just Me And My Thoughts from here. I tried my best to hide my state, and I think I managed for a while, but I felt like a robot any time I talked to someone. When people would pick up on my confusion, I usually brushed their concerns off. It’s nothing, I’m good.

I mean... how do you even tell someone that you just. can’t. stop. thinking. about whether you still love your boyfriend or not? According to the world, that is something you “just feel and know” after all. Except that I didn’t. I had no clue. I couldn’t feel anything. But, according to the world, that was perfectly normal, too. “Honeymoon phase is over at some point, babe. That’s everyday life, you grow comfy, it’s no longer a flash of feelings every day, you know that. You guys have been together for a while after all, what did you expect?!” ... what I felt didn’t feel like comfy everyday life either, though. Comfy everday life shouldn’t come with high key anxiety, sleepless nights and a loss of appetite at any lived second. If that was comfy everyday life, I sure didn’t want it.

So, what do you do when you have no clue about something? Right! Google! Go and ask the world! “How do you know that you still love your partner?”, “Is the love gone?” ... I spent hours, DAYS doing that, but no answer I found was remotely statisfying (or maybe it was for a minute, but the reassurance never lasted long) and I felt that those articles didn’t actually understand what I was asking in first place. I would spend every day like that. Permanently asking myself the same questions, analyzing myself, testing if the Big Feels for the man had decided to come back... nah, not really. Maybe NOW? If I just look at him close enough?! ... maybe if I squint a little?! Fuck, still nothing! Niente! Nada! I am a horrible person, aaah!

(Our open air trip was an emotional disaster by the way, I felt horrible all the time, and the permanent rain didn’t help. -3/10, do not recommend).

If I had known at the time that I wouldn’t spend just a few days but (more or less) six months with this shit... oof. I was already exhausted after those few days.

Over the course of the next weeks I stopped eating almost entirely. I just couldn’t. This permanent tight anxiety knot in my stomach made me want to throw up at the mere thought of food. At my worst point I weighed 138 lbs (63 kg), at 6 ft 1 (1,85 m). I often joked about how I had almost reached runway model standard. I was sick, I was weak, I was scared, but I just couldn’t eat and the bits I DID force myself to eat were burned almost right away by my crippling anxiety. (I still have clothes from that time, and I sometimes beat myself up for no longer fitting into them before I remember that I should NEVER fit into them EVER again.)

Instead I smoked a pack a day. I hardly got any sleep and when I did, it wasn’t relaxing. Always in Fight and Flight mode. My body was at alert level any minute, any day. I’m still asking myself how it could be that I never actually... collapsed. I was always tired, exhausted and malnourished... I dunno, you tell me.

The thoughts never really disappeared. They kept coming back in all variations. You don’t love him anymore. You have to leave him. You may not want to, but you have to. You don’t love him. I had very few “good moments” in between but in those good moments, my mind was usually frantically looking for explanations and reasons behind all this. For ways to improve my relationship, to feel better about my boyfriend. I came up with the WEIRDEST shit. Almost every day I found something new that bothered me. One day he was a little boring. That’s it! We gotta go out more, do more stuff, that’ll change everything. ... aaah, no. Guess not. The next day, it was something else. The day after THAT, it was something entirely different again.

I was suddenly prone to making some HELLA weird impulsive decisions, too. „I gotta break off contact to that one person RIGHT now, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!“, “I gotta talk to my mom about THAT particular incident in my childhood right now, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!”, “I gotta make a trip to the mall JUST NOW, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!”… the decisions made total sense to me the second I made them, for about ten minutes at most, but the initial rush of relief started to fade again quickly and I frantically started looking for new solutions. Google was my best friend. I couldn’t go a day without googling exessively. Overthinking, pacing, googling. Any day, any hour awake. Over weeks. A few months even. My mind was constantly reeling. It was a bottomless pit.  

I cannot put into words how exhausting that was. Sometimes the idea of throwing myself out of the next window seemed SO tempting, not because I wanted to die, but because I wanted the thoughts to stop tormenting me.

(I was out of regular therapy at the time, btw. I thought about calling my therapist about it but never did it. I felt isolated, I literally thought I had to do this all by myself.)

At some point, a few months into it, I somehow transferred to zombie mode. The thoughts became a little less intense over time. They were never gone but not quite as nagging anymore. But any time I wasn’t in alert mode, I felt just hollow instead. Sucked dry of any joy, of any emotion, of any sign of life. I just... functioned. Still tried to hide it. I dunno how well I did with that. Probably not at all well. I kept it all to myself, just because it felt that ridiculous. Tried to find excuses. “I’m just tired.”, “You know, there’s a lot going on in my head right now, but I’ll be good.” ... truth is that I don’t remember a whole lot of that time, it’s all blurry. There are just a few significant moments.

Such as that one evening, after work, when I left the building, made a few steps and stood five (or ten? fifteen??? who knows?! not me.) minutes on the spot, motionless, because I could no longer remember my way home.

I got fired from that job, by the way. I’m sure it was mostly due to low performance, I get it, but I can’t blame my poor state alone - they were also assholes.

Anyway.

I had, of course, never stopped the googling and one day, after hours of browsing any niche I hoped I hadn’t browsed yet, I somehow found a blog written by a young woman like me. The description tackled almost all of my thought patterns and I was blown. away. She asked herself the very same questions, with the very same twists, and... she even had a name for it.

ROCD. Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I cried for what felt like hours. Out of relief. There was a person in this world who knew exactly what I was going through. And she even had tips how to overcome it. It wasn’t the first time I had heard about OCD, but as it had never affected me in any way before (I, too, associated it with compulsive hand washing and tile jumping), I wouldn’t have thought of it. After doing my own intense research on the subject, a huge part of me and my life finally started making sense to me. Not much was known about ROCD at the time, but it kinda didn’t matter anyway. What mattered was the OCD part. The subject of the thoughts is entirely interchangable. It’s the chain of thoughts itself that has to be broken. Don’t focus on the relationship. Break the chain instead.

The internet also recommended exposure therapy but as therapy wasn’t an option at the time (weird German laws... regular health insurance covers only a limited amount of therapy lessons within a certain span of time and I had used mine up and there was no way I could pay myself), I decided to try it myself, the key points being:

* No more googling, no more reassurance. Learn to live with the uncertainty, learn to live with Not Knowing.

* Let the thoughts happen. Watch them pass by. They’re just thoughts, they can’t harm you. Don’t fight them, just recognize them and let them stay, they’ll get less scary over time.

* Focus on other things, as hard as it is. Try to occupy your mind and your body. Any minute you spend doing something else but brooding is a win.

It all sounded so very abstract at the time, but I was determined to give it a try. Oh gosh, was it hard. After months of emotional torment and getting used to unhealthy ways of coping, it was SO DAMN FUCKING HARD to NOT google. To NOT think. It felt like torment all over again. How was I supposed to just let the thought sit with me!? It was scary, I didn’t want it! Just ONE little peek, only a second, come ON! I won’t do it again after that?!

Oh god, it was the worst, it really was. Trying to break the chain while I was so desperate to save my relationship was terrible. I honestly don’t remember HOW I made it... but I made it. I somehow... clawed and bit my way out of it. I went right through the pain and made it. It’s not actually a linear process but there comes this point (and I know a few people I met on online platforms who would back me up on this) when you know the worst is over. You just know it. Things weren’t exactly good by the time the thoughts were history but I had reign over my own head again, I could actually SEE the world again, and that was worth everything plus my body weight in gold.

I’ll stop right here because the following months weren’t about my OCD anymore, but about figuring out needs, figuring out myself and what I wanted from life and this particular relationship and it’s not quite relevant and another story. (I DID love my ex-BF but it turned out he wasn’t at all good for me, I had ignored all the red flags for too long, and it didn’t take long after this for us to go separate ways)

I hated this particular time in my life while it lasted but I have learned and taken so much from it. It has changed my life in so many ways. I learned that things are never set in stone, not for anyone. That there will always be uncertain times on our ways. That change is always scary. That it’s okay to be scared. That staying in crappy situations for the sake of it isn’t always the right thing to do. Sometimes, doing the right thing (aka leaving a relationship that isn’t good for you) can make you sad. Love does not equal compatibility.

Looking back, I am - in a very bizarre and twisted way - grateful for the experience. It was an incredibly important lesson for me that taught me to be kinder to myself, to look out for myself and to listen to my own needs. That I should put myself first at times. For the first time of my life, I really got in touch with myself and my own emotions. I learned to understand them, I learned where they come from. I learned to cut myself slack at times.

The list goes on and on, but you get my drift. I know myself inside and out at this point. That wasn’t always the case. Not until 2016.

It still comes back at times. Not with such full force, but it keeps creeping back in, pretty much any time I have to deal with uncertainty in my life. Bad news at work, not hearing from a friend for a while that I’m dying to hear from (inevitably thinking that they MUST be mad at me) or when I spot a few symptoms of sickness that I’m not familiar with (I practically never get sick). Not Knowing What Will Happen drives me CRAZY. I hate uncertainty, I need my life to be stable and calm to fully function.

Now, in COVID times, it’s mostly the fear of suffering from an incurable disease. AGAIN. I’m familiar with that, too. I’m not even scared of catching the virus, I just fell right back into overthinking any symptom I have, even if it’s just a short pain in the neck or whatever (you know, things that one usually brushes off). When my life was busier, I was MUCH better at handling those thoughts. Most of the time, they didn’t even come up in first place. Sitting inside and avoiding contact 99,9% of all times, and having little to no actual distraction („reading/watching movies“ doesn’t help me personally, it does’t occupy my mind enough, I usually just stare right through the pages/screen), however, leaves FAR too much time for the thoughts to unfold, once they come up.

This subtle but lingering concern for my health puts my body into a permanent state of anxiety once more. Fight and Flight mode. The pace of my heartbeat is always slightly, but perpetually, increased. It isn’t always outright panic attacks, it’s this constant state of having to be… alert. Something MIGHT happen, y’know. Be prepared. Relaxing and doing nice things becomes almost impossible. Instead, I get tired and exhausted. Depressed, even. It sucks the joy right out of me. I feel like living under a glass dome. I see what’s happening around me but I am unable to connect, emotionally. People keep living their lives and I can watch them, but I can’t be a part of it. It’s a deeply crushing feeling. I manage to somehow function but I don’t really feel alive. My abandonment issues and fear of „getting left behind“ kicked in again, too. I want to catch up and take part but can’t so I stress myself over THAT, too. This only adds to the exhaustion and makes me feel even more isolated.  

Hello, vicious circle, my old friend.

I didn’t even realize that I had such huge potential to fall right back into it. It all started… I dunno, by mid/end of January?? It’s a bit blurry this time. It is directly connected to Germany’s recent lockdown, though. A massive case of Not Knowing How Things Will Turn Out. I failed to take better care of myself in the past few weeks. And now I’m here. AGAIN. Ugh.

But well, as I said, it’s not as bad and, as I said, I have at least learned some important things over the years. In this particular case of intrusive thoughts, the first rule is: NEVER GOOGLE SYMPTOMS. And never google shit like „chances to survive (whatever illness think you have at the time)“, either. The mind longs for reassurance but googling symptoms is BAD, as we all know by now. It’s not even reassuring when you do it. Because you’ll inevitably end up diving through the vast internet for HOURS, picking up an entry that some person named Kevin made on a cancer forum way back in 2004, saying that his uncle died the next day after finding out he has cancer and that is, OF COURSE, what will happen to YOU, too. There is no other way. YOU WILL DIE.

Excuse the text walls. I took an opportunity to ramble about my own experience, for the first time ever since it happened (not including the few short talks I had with the few people I met on internet forums).

To anyone who made it this far: Thank you so much for reading. It sure felt good to write this down for once, even if it’s just a short summary (yes, really, I mean, we’re talking six-ish months here), and the descriptions fall woefully short. If anyone affected by the same happens to read this -  I am so, SO sorry you are suffering so much. You are NOT alone and you are NOT weird. Talk to someone. Open up. To your doctor, or you therapist, if you have one. To a person you trust. It is the worst but there are ways, there is help. I wish I had known at the time it started for me.

You know now. :)

P.S.: DON’T FUCKING GOOGLE:

#ocd #rocd #obsessive compulsive disorder #relationship obsessive compulsive disorder #mental disorder #sanne rambles