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satanicchristiancult · 7 months

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Heartstopper 7-30, and why it is that representation matters

Or: the perspective from a queer and mentally ill teen about figuring out your future and moving forward from the past, through an analysis of a singular chapter of Heartstopper

Alternatively: a queer, mentally ill teen projecting their issues and analyzing life itself through a comic about queer, mentally ill teens

Warnings: spoilers for all of the comic version of Heartstopper up until the most recent update (September 11, 2023), past self-harm, issues with self-image, and unspecified eating disorders (all of them both in fiction and in real life). (The last one isn’t really spoken about, but the topic lingers around this essay, keep that in mind).

It’s the second time I’m writing this. Bear with me. It’s long. You’ve been warned. Also, as you can see, this was written over the course of two days, and took multiple days for me to clean up and post. It’s no longer Monday 11th, so there are inconsistencies.

Today I woke up like any other Monday morning. Grabbed my phone at 5 am before getting ready for class. Today is update day for Heartstopper, as is every 1st, 11th, and 21st of each month. I looked up the chapter on Tumblr, read half of it, got ready for the day, read the rest of the update, and kept going with my day.

Usually, I wouldn’t think much about it throughout the day. I would think about it and re-read the chapter during the time between classes, or during lunch. Today was different. We’re in the middle of exam season. Today’s exam had to be done in a very small amount of time, only an hour. All of it was writing and analyzing. It’s 20% of the grade for the class. I spent 15 minutes of said exam just thinking about Heartstopper.

Here’s the thing about me. I have the tendency to fall in love with fiction. I will find something new, a book, a series, whatever, and consume all of it, engage with the fandom, consume all of it again, and repeat the whole thing until I find something new.

I engaged with Heartstopper a while after it had first been presented to me. Just like right now, it was the middle of exam season and I needed to get my mind off of things. I opened Tapas, which I often use to read things, mostly fan comics. I saw that Heartstopper was in there for free. I thought it was odd, but I was bored and tired, so I began reading.

I read the whole thing in two days, only three hours or something like that. At first, it became something like a comfort for me. A world that resembled the real world but made it its ideal version. Heartstopper presented me with a dream-like gay relationship, filled with self-discovery, varied characters, and, once again, an idealized version of the world.

It was so liberating at first. What if the world was like that? What if we didn’t have to fear people that much? What if life could be so filled with love?

Then it got dark.

Holy- then it got dark. It broke me, but I loved it. Gosh, I really did. I love stories about mental health. I love reading about how life can break a human being, but at the same time, how it can slowly and carefully put them back together. Sure, life is not perfect, and therefore, a person will never be fixed, and they will never be “how they used to be”, but life can persevere through darkness and pain. Life can get better. That’s what I chose to believe.

I’ve always related more to Charlie than to any other Heartstopper character, (aside from Tori, but she doesn’t really count as a Heartstopper character). We both struggle with similar issues, and we both deal with them in similar ways. Unhealthy coping mechanisms, baby~!

This arc of Nick trying to choose a university is significant to me, mostly because I’m having the same issues as him. I’m supposed to have figured out what I’m going to do, and I’m supposed to know where that’s going to be. I don’t know anything. I know what area I’m interested in, but that’s still not enough.

Currently, Nick is touring universities with his friends, trying to make plans for the future, while figuring out whether or not he’s willing to leave behind the people he loves for the sake of his education and personal growth.

That struck a nerve in me. I’m also terrified of leaving behind my friends, who are essentially my family. I want to be the best version possible of me. I want to have these new, meaningful, and life-altering experiences.

When I was younger, I used to think that I wouldn’t make it far. I thought that I would die young and I would be at fault for that. I found hope and comfort whenever I thought about college. I always thought/dreamed about leaving everything behind, going to the US, and living the “American Dream”. I never cared whether or not it was doable, it was my dream and it was going to happen one way or another.

Now I’m older. Somehow still alive. More bitter than before. Sadly enough, I don’t allow myself to dream about those things anymore and still believe that they can and will happen. Now, my perception of the US has been broken and I’m truly afraid of even going there.

Back to Heartstopper 7-30, Nick and the gang visit the University of Leeds. Nothing seems to particularly catch their eye, but they speak with a student, and things change.

Nick gets asked the question. That haunting question that almost seems to chase you down. “What are you thinking of studying?” Then comes the dreaded answer, “I’m still undecided.” Lucky for him, he doesn’t seem to take it in a bad way or overanalyze the situation.

How the social life is described to Nick attracts him to the university. He’s interested in the sports facilities, because he’s our rugby boy, so of course he would be. The person he’s talking to tells him that their partner is in the team, and that they are really enjoying it.

That’s the moment in which, even if isn’t consciously, Nick makes his decision. He turns around and sees a group of students playing rugby. One of them turns around and waves at them, signifying that they are the other one’s partner. The rest of the group just looks at them and smile.

They just seem to accept each other no matter what. They show affection between them and don’t even question it. That means the world to Nick. That’s everything he wants. A community. To be accepted. To be able to engage in one of his favorite activities, rugby, and not have to hide who he truly is. He sees himself as one of them. Straight up, imagines himself in their shoes, and he finally finds what he’s looking for.

A year ago, I started telling myself that I should figure things out. I went to a fair with multiple international universities that offered different programs for students from my country. At the end of the day, the dream never fully dies, I guess. I still want that god-forsaken college experience that appears in books and movies. That feeling of community. Anything.

I found this public university in the middle of nowhere, but it truly did captivate me. I don’t even remember why. Cool mascot, a nice ambiance. Good enough. I looked them up on Instagram and fell in love. Their posts were truly everything I had ever dreamed of. Community, acceptance, fun, pure joy, and happiness on that campus.

Then, what meant the most to me: an LGBTQIA2S+ organization. Queer-friendly spaces. Monthly meeting just to talk. I can’t stress enough how relevant this one was for me at first, a bingo game night with drag queens.

Where I come from, people know that you’re queer and you’re dead, honestly. You will never hear the end of it. We isolate ourselves because we know that otherwise, we’d have to fight daily just to be tolerated, to be heard. We’d have to argue why our existence is okay.

This idea of being out, the whole concept to me is wild. I genuinely never considered it a possibility. Being openly queer, alongside other openly queer people is something revolutionary in my head. I do mean it.

I understand Nick. Finally finding a place where you think that you could actually belong is such a liberating experience. The idea of “I could be there”, “I could be one of them”, “I could be myself and not have to worry”. It changes everything. It genuinely does.

I truly do hope that Nick finds himself at home in Leeds. I wish him only the best. May he figure out what he wants to do, and may he be happy doing it.

Now, time for. Charlie.

He barely even appears on this update, yet, his actions are incredibly relevant, both to his character development and to all of the people reading.

Charlie’s mental health has been all over the place, that’s something everyone who has ever interacted with Heartstopper knows. Most fans can also say that they relate to this. A pretty big amount of the fans of this saga would say that they consider themselves LGBTQIA2S+ and/or people who are currently or in the past have struggled with their mental health.

The beauty of Heartstopper is that we get to see these characters grow, not only grow older, but also grow emotionally. They get to learn about themselves. They get to battle their internal conflicts and win them.

Charlie means a lot to a lot of people. He means a lot to me. He is, in some way or another, a reflection of myself. My issues. My life. Which is really worrying, actually, but it does mean something. People relate to him. He is a good enough representation of mental health issues for people to be able to identify with him.

In this update, Charlie wants Nick to see him without his shirt on for the first time ever. This is such a big step for him. For his recovery. Charlie has many self-image issues, especially around his arms and torso. All of us readers know how hard this was for him, therefore, we know how much this moment means.

I love that it wasn’t like a gigantic revelation that was reacted to in an exaggerated manner. Nick, being Nick, just blushed heavily. He truly is the personification of ‘bi crisis’. Good for him.

Some of Charlie’s biggest insecurities, as seen in 7-13, are the fact that he’s skinny and has scars. The entirety of chapter 7 has focused on how hard this is on him, and how much it affects his daily life.

Him taking off his shirt doesn’t mean that he overcame this issues. Recovery isn’t linear. This action only means that he’s finally comfortable enough to try. That’s all that recovery really is. Trying, hoping, to get better.

As the audience, an outsider looking in, we have seen Charlie shirtless before. Something new happened this time. We saw something that we didn’t need to see, but some of us, me included, are glad we saw. We saw Charlie’s self-harm scars.

It could be stupid. It could be worthless, but it meant a lot to many of us. It meant a lot to Charlie.

Charlie finally feels confident enough with himself to show this part of him to his boyfriend. Sure, he trusts him with all of his very being. Charlie is well aware that Nick will never judge him for it, but his mind doesn’t see it that way. Charlie is in a fight of will against himself. He wants this, he truly does, but there’s a voice in his head telling him that everything could go wrong. Even if it’s illogical. Even if he knows that it is.

I love how Alice just subtly writes onto the story small details that will later on become important for the plot. They don’t even have to be really important. Them being there is enough. Every single time in which he holds onto his arm, or anyone touches that specific area, there’s always a reaction from him. Every time he feels insecure, he holds onto that specific area.

It could be because I’m an angst-loving fanfic reader/writer, but I always wanted to see those scars. It might be a morbid thought, but I really did want to. We didn’t need it, sure, but seeing them shows that they aren’t just a plot devise. We know that they aren’t only that, but it’s just one of those illogical thoughts that one might have.

Seeing them shows their severity. Seeing them shows how far Charlie has come.

To me, seeing them meant seeing someone like me in a book. On a published book. In the future, on a TV show.

It is one thing to read about it in fan fiction, in people’s blogs, on YouTube videos of people who are getting better, or anything like that. Anyone can post that. It being on something published in that way, something edited and checked by so many people, something that could be professionally translated onto other languages, something that at some point we may find in a library. It means a lot to me.

Alice Oseman’s book Loveless caused the same impact on me. My first time reading a book where there were asexual and/or aromantic characters, non-binary characters. There are people like me in media. In books. In my home country, as oddly homophobic and transphobic as it is, I can go to a bookstore and buy myself a copy of this book. It is real. I am, in fact, not faking all of this. Other people are like me.

Six years I’ve been hiding my arms from the world. I’ve spent my whole life hiding my legs, but three or four years ago I began hiding them for other reasons as well.

Six years ago someone finally asked me, in a worried tone, what happened to my arms. People had asked before, but no one ever asked as if they were concerned. Six years ago it happened for the first and only time. I haven’t worn a sleeveless shirt outside of my room in all that time. I don’t know if I ever will.

Charlie gives me hope. Maybe, one day I will. Who knows. I don’t really want to do that now, but if I ever do, I know that I could.

It is nice to see oneself represented in media. Small representation means something. A more relevant role means even more though.

As a child from a pretty ignored country, I found myself represented in Elena of Avalor, in Marco Díaz from Star vs. the Forces of Evil. Neither one of them was from my country, not even close, but it was as close as I could get.

Representation to me meant the beginning and sometimes end of the Jurassic Park movies, “Isla Nublar, 120 miles west of Costa Rica.” That island doesn’t even exist.

Nowadays, there’s an NCIS character who at some point talks about wanting to move to a beach in Costa Rica. I thought that was going to be it. She would retire, never be seen again on screen, but would still call every once in a while. I don’t regularly watch NCIS, but I pick it up randomly at times. Recently I saw that she didn’t even move to Costa Rica, so that’s that for my “representation.” I don’t know what has happened since, I mean it when I say that I don’t really know what happens on NCIS.

Representation can come in many different forms, in this case, it comes in the shape of a boy who only wants to belong somewhere, and another one finding his place, and finding comfort in his own body after struggling with it for so long.

Representation shows people that they aren’t alone. It shows how important it is to see someone like you on any type of media.

The mere acknowledgment of one’s identity or existence is an indescribable feeling. Seeing oneself in any type of media genuinely causes a great impact.

Representation is necessary, and it not only helps people feel seen, but it also teaches others about different aspects of life that they might not think about. People’s lives are different. Representation helps to put it into perspective.

-Mori (They/Xem)

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castiel-mybeloved · 3 years

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I don’t even use my other social media anymore. No I don’t care what’s going on in the lives of people I know irl I care about what’s going on in the lives of my fictional friends

#this post is about Castiel #like I’ll start scrolling through Instagram and am like UGH this is so boring let’s see if see if anyone posted new art of Dean and Cas #something something about retreating from reality #something something about using tumblr and fictional worlds as a coping mechanism but we don’t need to talk about that #if you asked me a year ago how I would spend my free time after starting a full time job in a new city this would not have been my answer #but here I am #supernatural #spn #destiel #deancas #fan fiction

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inhum3n · 3 years

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The Dark Side of Maladaptive Daydreaming

TW: I don’t talk about specific violent topics(just mainly say “i have violent daydreams”), but if you don’t want to read anything about the dark side of daydreams just go ahead and skip this one.

I’m feely kinda shitty and anxious, and to actually be a little more proactive this time I pushed myself to write this overdue post instead of daydreaming. I mean either way I’ll end up daydreaming before I go to bed...moving on.

A couple of weeks ago The Daydreamers was released. And it was a good dip-a-toe-in-the-water introduction about maladaptive daydreaming. Afterwards I read a few tumblr posts about it, and I remember there was one post where anon expressed their frustration with the doc presenting MaDDing as this escape to a happy wonderland. This is a criticism I’ve heard before, and one I’ve had myself.

When I first got involved in the MaDD community online I was frustrated to see -what appeared to me - MaDDers not taking it seriously. They were sharing art of their paras, paracosms, writing about their wonder fantasies, and posting memes. To me this came across as almost “lacking a depth”, I knew that humor is a coping mechanism, but I was upset that there seemed to be so so few posts with in depth dives into the negatives of MaDD. To me it looked like everyone else was peachy with it, while I withering with it’s burden. That’s why I started this blog, to create the content I wanted to see(no shame to those who rather post light hearted stuff).

To start off, I always dislike that the word “daydreaming” is included in the name of this condition, because “daydreaming” has a very “cute” and “innocuous” connation in our language. And to be frank, cute and innocuous are probably the last words I’d use to describe my daydreams.

My daydreams can contain incredibly dark, morbid, and violent things. There is a common theme of isolation, loneliness, being misunderstood, and martyr complexes. My parame suffering, all the while being criticized and hated by those around them. That’s a very common theme, being hated because I’m misunderstood and I am going through some struggle unbeknownst to those around me. I would best title it as “Look at how everyone misjudges and hates me, but I am really a good person whose made sacrifices for others but has been wronged many times but I refuse to open up about it because I am afraid and because I don’t think I deserve to seek help and I am socially anxious”.

And while there is this common underlying theme, it tends to manifest in disturbing and/or violent ways.

*by manifest I mean what the content of the paracosm is.

And if I were to be honest, alot and I mean alot of my paracosms are straight up depressing, and their frequency tends to increase in quantity and disturbance level the more unhappy I am in real life.

But why do I/we do it? My best answer is that it’s a way to live out and externalize negative emotions I/we struggle to express and explore in our actual lives. The daydreaming gives a filter, a “safe place” to externalize, feel, and express these bad feelings. I wonder too if it acts as a disconnecting mechanism, you can experience your emotions through the paras you created, that way you don’t have to feel them as your own emotions that have occurred due to your life circumstances. Can I say it’s bit like a disassociating mechanism? Personally for me I’ve always tended to feel invalidated in my negative feelings. I felt (and still do) that I did not/have not earned sadness. That its stupid for me to be upset so much by something when there are so many other people with so much worse, so I create a fictional world where my parame experiences traumatic events that then make me feel justified to express my negative emotions through my parame. Because obviously those negative emotions make sense in the context of my parame’s life, but my actual life? Absolutely not.

TBH, I was gonna write a few examples of these dark paracosms but I backed out because honestly I’m still too nervous and scared to share the details. Sure I’m anonymous on this platform, but I know once somethings out on the internet it stays there forever. And I am afraid of the wrong people finding my post detailing my horrific daydreams and then somehow finding out who I am and they think i’m fucked up and so on....So this is all for now. These thoughts are from my personal experiences and I don’t speak for every MaDDer.

#maladaptive daydreaming #Maladaptive daydreaming disorder #actually madd #MADD #madd negativity #madd pain #maladaptivedaydreaming #maladapting daydreaming disorder #maladaptive daydreaming blog

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mariaiscrafting · 3 years

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Look, Imma say it: headcanons about real CCs is super WeirdChamp. It's psychoanalytical and invasive and not at all the same as heacanon'ing for characters. When one makes headcanons for a character, one is basing them upon a fictional person's fictional personality, dynamics, relationships, in the context of their fictional world, etc. But when one headcanons about a real person, one is making assumptions about their real personality and history, trying to extrapolate one's own interpretation of their words, actions, relationships, etc. And there's just something about that sits very poorly with me. It just feels so... ahhfjgkg I can't properly articulate why it feels so gross and invasive right now.

Two more things, though. First of all, by headcanons about irl CCs, I basically mean theorizing, analyzing, and truthing. There's so, so many examples of these things in this fandom, but off the top of my head, some examples include theorizing about CC's sexualities, potential familial/home situations, academic situations, mental health, career goals, and interpersonal problems. And by theorizing, I mean coming up with one's own conclusions about the aforementioned things, without the CC having explicitly given evidence for those conclusions.

Second of all, I feel like discussions in this fandom tend to be framed around how detrimental certain things are to CCs. While I think that's an important discussion to be, had for sure, and that CCs deserved to be treated better, with respect and as humans, I personally think it's a lot more important for us to talk about why certain things we do are bad for us, as viewers. To get so invested in real people who do not know us, to use streamers as such an emotional crutch, that we invest so much of our own lives and mental efforts to learn everything we can about their lives and then take it a step further and try theorizing about them, cannot be healthy. There are so, so many things this fandom does that is representative of just how much we use CCs as unhealthy coping mechanisms, and it's really concerning to me. I am not exempt from this. Part of the reason I'm making this post is because I've realized that I need to reevaluate my own life and engage with media more healthily than I currently am, if I've gotten to the point of entertaining some of the headcanons about irl CCs that I see on Tumblr and Twitter. To go beyond simple observation and fan indulgence to this level of obsession - and that what it is for most of us, obsession - is something else entirely. I mentioned a couple months ago, back when I was engaging in a completely different kind of discourse that my sisters and I had come up with a theory: that a majority of the people in the MCYT fandom are using this to escape problems in their own lives. And I still think this is probably true. I think this, like many other forms of media, is being used as a form of escapism for many ND minors/young adults, minors who are going through abusive/unstable households, people traumatized by the effects of this pandemic, queer people handling their own oppression and trauma, etc. And that's not bad, in and of itself. But escapism taken too far, in a desperate attempt to completely detach one's self from one's own life and entrench one's self in a fictional or idealized space instead, is just not healthy. This isn't healthy.

Anyways, as usual, some disclaimers: this post is not in response to any specific person or instance on Tumblr or Twitter. I only ever made one vague post on this blog that was directed at someone, and I will never do that again. This post was just something that's been simmering in my head for a few days now, and I finally wanted to articulate it. Also, I am not an expert on anything I talk about ever. I'm just some loser with some opinions, so don't take my word as the end-all-be-all. Discourse, sans attacks, is welcome.

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ultyso · 3 years

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(Censoring words solely because I’m not sure the word itself can be used on tumblr.)

T/W Mentions of p*dos

T/W Mentions of gr**ming

Tldr: As a CSA Survivor, voicing concerns of things I have heard people talk about on these topics in online spaces that does more damage than good to victims, survivors, and minors. I am only one voice, so please listen to all csa survivors, victims, and minors about this topic.

I don’t speak for everyone who is a CSA Survivor. We all have different experiences and feelings, some things may be less triggering or concerning for some more than others. Other CSA Survivors feel free to talk about your own feelings, experiences, and things you wished others knew as well since every CSA Survivor’s voice should be heard, not just my own.

These are my thoughts and some of the grievances I’ve had, the invalidation of my trauma, the things that have triggered back the trauma I thought I was able to heal so long ago, and I’m tired of it.

P*dophilia is not a term where you can just throw it around at anyone and everything. Be mindful where and how you use it. Do not let the severity of this word go down. It is not a joke. It is not some fun trendy buzzword. It is not a topic just for fictional media. It is a serious issue that harms so many children in the world.

Do not invalidate the trauma of victims by focusing on just fictional characters. Reporting fictional content as CP is not as helpful as you think. Investigators are on the look out to help save real children. Putting thousands of fanart/fanfics of fictional characters at the top of their feed lets p*dos hide easier and thus causes real children to still be trapped in their situation. If the fanart/fanfics is of real minors though, action should be taken.

You need to be a protector for real children. Learn the warning signs. Learn the prevention. Learn how to act if a real child has been harmed so you can help them. If you just treat it as a joke and use the word willy nilly on things that it does not actually pertain to it is immensely performative, makes it harder for investigators to find true perpetrators, and thus only hurts more kids than helps.

Clothing ≠ p*dophilia

Jfashion such as lolita and fairy kei is not p*dophilic or p*do-baiting. I don’t know why this has become the trend to call it that.

When you say this it sounds like victim blaming. “Well it’s what they wore.” Which is terrible. If you think wearing “childish” clothing is inherently sexual YOU are very much the problem.

Clothing is not what grabs p*dos attention. Clothing doesn’t do anything. It is a self expression for the wearer and that is it. For p*dos, it is the child themself they’re grossly invested in, not the clothes.

If you look at the origin of jfashion styles such as lolita, one part of the meaning is the resistance of sexualizing a person’s body. It also has nothing to do with the book so, stop equating them as the same.

Watching kid tv shows or movies, playing kid friendly video games, owning plushies or other kid toys ≠ p*dophilia

If you see an adult who is into movies/shows, toys, games made for kids chances are it could possibly be a CSA Survivor and this is their coping mechanism as a way to heal. To reclaim what was taken from them. Giving back to that inner child that never got the chance to live it. Even if they are not a CSA survivor, it could be an adult finally getting that doll they’ve wanted since they were little but could never get. Giving back to their inner child in that way. For me personally, KH is part of this for me. It has been my coping mechanism/safe haven since I was little. It is something I know I can always go back to that doesn’t bring harm to me. It’s an escapism from trauma and anxiety.

Height differences ≠ p*dophilia

An adult who is shorter than their significant other who is also an adult is not p*dophilia. A short adult is not “minor-coded.” They are just a short adult. A taller adult liking a shorter adult does NOT mean they like children. Joke or not this is inappropriate. Some adults just are not able to grow taller then others, so it feels like you are infantilizing a whole group of adult short people just because of their height. Not only that, but for survivors this can make them second guess their appropriate and safe relationships they have even more, which for some CSA Survivors it is already so hard to trust to begin with, this then can make them further associate even more things and people with their trauma that never needed to be and can cause further ptsd reactions.

A minor dating a minor one month/year younger/year older than them ≠ p*dophilia

This undermines the severity of what p*dophilia is. P*dophilia is an adult person who sexually fantasizes about, exhibits inappropriate and sexual behavior towards, has urges towards, and/or arousal towards minors. They are a sex offender/m*lestor as well if they act on those urges on a child. Thus becoming CSA.

This part is ONLY talking about minor + minor relationship: As cited from DSM-5 (wiki that has excerpt) “A person must be at least 16 years and at least 5 years older than the prepubescent child, for the attraction to be diagnosed as p*dophilia.” A 15 year old dating a 16 year old is not p*dophilia. If a 15 year old did inappropriate and non-consensual things to another minor the same age as, slightly younger than themself, or older than themself, that 15 year old would be more towards being called a juvenile/adolescent sex offender. Don’t use these terms willy nilly either, they are severe words too. Do not use them lightly for fun internet jargon.

In regards to fandom spaces. Just because someone on the internet labels themselves as something specific, does not mean this person can’t be a p*dophile based off of whatever the label is. You must always be careful with whom you interact with. They very well could be under the guise of feigning innocence and pointing fingers away from themself. Some may pretend to be one or the other and self-proclaim themself as the “good” adult. And HEAVILY emphasize this all the time. Which for me often raises a warning flag. Especially if they are in heavy contact with minors on a daily basis. Be always careful with anyone you interact with online no matter what they label themself as. You do not know who is behind the screen, so exercise extreme caution with the information you give to anyone, even if an account labels themselves as the same age as you. It could be someone pretending to be the same. Having a father who is a p*dophile, I can say, these gross people want to blend in. They’re going to feign innocence. They want to be in your line of trust. They may say things like “you don’t have to worry about me. I’m not that group of people” or “don’t trust them, trust me.” Be aware of the signs of gr**ming. This is a first tell tale sign that someone could be harmful. Some examples of warnings signs an be found here.

LGBTQIA+ ≠ p*dophilia

While there may be people who happen to be LGBTQIA+ that are a p*do, that does NOT mean everyone who is LGBTQIA+ is one. The community makes it explicitly clear that MAPS/p*dophiles are NEVER welcome in the community. It is harmful to associate them with the community too.

P*dophiles can be anywhere. In my my own experience, mine was my own father. They are in the most obvious spot and invisible to other’s eyes. They will if not often, be someone who has gained yours and other’s trust and preys heavily off of it. Such as a family member, a teacher, a doctor, a family friend, etc… They hide under this guise because what is the first thing anyone says? “Oh it couldn’t possibly be them. I know them. They’re good.”

I get wanting to know all the facts before putting a label such as p*dophile on someone. I get that some people do fake saying they were abused. I get it. When there’s a huge amount of evidence of someone being nefarious with children though, you can’t keep hiding from that truth and you need to stop supporting that person. Continuing to support those perpetrators just tells other scummy P*dos that as long as they’re well-liked enough, they too can get away with it. This only harms more children then helps.

Please put “T/W”s if you mention p*dophilia. CSA Survivors have different triggers and seeing the topic brought up willy nilly in spaces without it can be very harmful and may cause ptsd. Please be respectful to us all. Do not make a joke out of all of our suffering.

I’ve made a linktree of information on warnings signs, what to do, hotlines for victims, and more. Take action to protect real kids not just the fictional ones. That is all I ask: https://linktr.ee/CSA_Prevention_and_Help

#csa survivor #csa vent #trigger warning #p*do mention #tw p*dophilia mention #tw gr**ming mention

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cotton-candy-in-a-thong · 3 years

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Noncon stories, Fantasy vs. Reality, and more. fucking. issues.

Recently, I’ve been hit with some drama as to why I’m a “bad person” by various, anonymous users in this fandom. I thought I’d try to address the claim, address my stance on fics that involve noncon, and what I think about the “Tumblr mentality” after everything I’ve seen of this place. I should also note that I’m going to use the specific words and phrases I’ve been forced to constantly repeat as explaining my stance has been very difficult for me, as I’m a person who’s apparently challenging to understand.

This is going to be a long post, with subjects that's obviously going to trigger people so here's a warning right now..

That being said, I’m going to dive into this with some shit I’ve definitely said before:

“Consensual Noncon” Kink

The Appeal of this Theme in Fanfiction:

I don't think calling fics that involve noncon "rape fics" and those who enjoy it "getting off to rape" is a very good way to put it. Many engaging and well done media pieces often involve some very dark themes. Again, Monster by Meg and Dia is a song that features the main character sexually abusing a girl he met. You COULD call this a "rape song", but acting as if the rape is the only thing that matters in this story would be pretty..naive. The story has to do with an emotionally, and physically neglected/abused boy, who grows up and becomes an attention/love starved monster who's SO starving for validation, that he believes forcing himself upon a girl he knew would "prove" to himself that he's capable of being touched and loved. Of course, the main character eventually realizes that rape is not love, that what he did was wrong, and later kills himself in his own bathtub with kerosene and a match.

However, the assault aspect of this song is still a meaningful and alluring part because it talks about how emotional and physical abuse can warp someone's perspective on reality, to the point where they think forcing someone to "stay" with them is how to create a healthy relationship. That's the same energy I have for noncon fics, especially in the slasher fandom. Many slasher fics that contain noncon often have to do with the slasher preying on the reader because of their own fucked up mind. It's intriguing because, let's be honest, pretty much none of the slashers are in a pretty good mental space lmao. Thus, noncon actually falls more in line with how slashers would go about what they believe is a "good relationship" more often than quite a bit of fans here seem to believe. Again, Michael got boners, Jason chained someone up, Fredddy smooches people against their will, Billy Lenz is a sex offender, Chromeskull makes snuff, yada yada yada, you know the drill. That being said, it's interesting to see noncon being expressed with these characters because it gives us a new perspective on how fucked up they'd likely be if the world of sex and relationships was introduced to these characters.

Now why would some people become sexually aroused by the events of the story? First of all, how does “Consensual Noncon” kink work?

u/Jumbledcode. (2015). ‘Can anyone comment on why people (someone like me) enjoy rape/non-con story lines?’. r/TwoXChromosomes.

“I'd suggest that there are several factors that make up the appeal of non-con fantasies.

Guilt/Self-image: For many people, their sexual/relationship desires don't necessarily match their image of themselves, or alternatively they feel guilt over others' perceptions of those desires. Rape fantasies allow them to mantain some illusion of denial over their desires while still indulging in the idea of them.

Responsibility/Laziness: The appeal of abdicating control isn't limited to avoiding guilt; it's very tempting to want a scenario where you have no responsibility for maintaining your lifestyle/happiness. Similarly to before, it's the appeal of being given what you secretly want without even having to choose it.

Transgressiveness: A rape scenario has overtones of danger and taboo-breaking. These can easily be exciting and can therefore be a turn-on.

Desire: Being wanted is often a huge turn-on, and the idea of someone desiring you enough to break laws and disregard everything to have you plays into this feeling.

To me, it seems that most people who fantasize about being the subject of rape do so due to some mix of these motivations I've mentioned. Of course, there are also those who have experiences which have taught them to associate non-consent with their sexuality, but that's a separate issue”.

What if the Fanfic Only Involves the Act though? Wouldn’t it Encourage Actual Rape?

Let’s differentiate fantasy and reality. Towards those with the noncon kink: it offers arousal because of the ideas listed above (the idea of the reader not having to make any moves and the character doing the “intimate work” FOR them, the excitement of such a taboo sexual encounter, and the feeling to be desired through an altered, brutish encounter). Rape is the use of sex to remove control over the victim’s mind and body. The readers DO have control over whether or not they get to “encounter” (the choice to even read) this fantasy, so right away consent is present in reality, and no actual rape is being done.

Now does this mean that the kinkers are getting off on the idea of rape? Not really.

The thing with self-inserts is that it allows you to be connected to the story. That way, even if the story has you bruised up and begging for mercy, a part of you-you (if you’re a kinker) wants to keep reading it as you find it exciting. That way, as you and story-you are connected, what you really want in such a fantasy is for it to keep going despite the brutish, possessive, however yet desired nature of the character you’re dreaming about dealing with. (repeat: the idea of the reader not having to make any moves and the character doing the “intimate work” FOR them, the excitement of such a taboo sexual encounter, and the feeling to be desired through an altered, brutish encounter). That being said, it’s still entirely possible for kinkers to have their personal space and wishes crossed, and ultimately assaulted. Us enjoying the fantasy of such a reverie sexual encounter does not spell out to real life because (in reality) we’re not horny all the time, we would still like our bodies to be respected when we find it necessary, and we still have feelings as we’re still human.

“Fantasy (including video games) leads to violence” fallacy.

It would be like assuming that shooters in games like GTA fantacise about murder, encourage it, and would do it in real life. Taking fabricated anger out on virtual bodies or NPCs is quite different from the weight of murder (the killing of another human being). One can play video games with lots of violence towards such fabricated characters, while discouraging violence towards human beings. The act of using a game controller to beat up Donkey Kong in Smash, to shoot Nazi zombies in a Black Ops game, or to kill a Geisha in Little Nightmares is incredibly, and immensely different from completely eradicating the life of a person on Earth, and to assume that everyone who plays violent video games would spill out to violence in reality would be to participate in a ridiculous fallacy. Yes, there are outliers who are feeble minded enough to let their fantasies influence their actions towards actual people, but I must repeat that there are also people who utilize these fantasies for their personal satisfaction, while understanding the weight of the real world around them (and choosing not to act so detrimentally). Therefore, it wouldn’t be fair as it would be unnecessary to blatantly say that all fantasies are horrible and should be entirely eradicated if there ARE many people who ARE aware enough to understand that some thoughts are better off staying in fiction.

Now is the time to address what’s been said:

...Firstly, I think it’s very disgusting that random users, on Tumblr of all places, are trying to manipuate random victims of sexual assault into hating something or someone just because these users FEEL like “it’s the right thing to do”.. People, victims of sexual assault aren’t your fucking dogs. They’re not carriage horses, they’re not your work mules, they’re not your guns and swords...they’re just people who normally wanna be left the fuck alone like everyone else. Plus, there ARE people who have experienced sexual assault who take joy in reading such dark storylines. What would these users have to say to them? That they’re not “real” victims? That what they’ve experienced “never happened”? That they’re “just like” their own perpetrators for using the consensual nonconsent to miraculously help them overcome their trauma? Should they really abandon their coping mechanism just because there are other victims who cope in different ways?

..If you seriously believe that all people who have gone through a traumatic event are gonna cope in the exact same fucking way, you literally don’t even know enough about PTSD to even be making a bold statement about cope.

This is the part where I finally realized that people, and especially those on Tumblr, don’t actually care about rape victims as much as they may claim. Many users on here, on this platform and in this fandom, don’t truly give a flying monkey shit about rape victims as people, nor what they have to say about the subject. Rape victims..on this place..seem to be used mainly as a means of figurative weaponry for a group’s subjective morality.

I find the similarity close to radical feminism. Radical feminists often believe that women, from near and far, have to do everything in their power to “destroy” the patriarchy. This would mean disobeying the societal expectation of women, even if there are some women who take joyment in engaging in some societal standards for their personal liking. An example would be sex work. Radical feminists acknowledge the flaws in performing sex work, but believe that NO woman should EVER partake even if the woman wants to do it out of her own free will. In demonizing and ostracizing any woman who doesn’t fall into the radical feminist agenda, radical feminists actually contradict their purpose to “let women be free”. At this point, you realize that radical feminists often don’t actually give a fuck about what any woman wants for herself. Instead, radical feminists want to utilize any woman they can find just to flip off men as a group.

In Tumblr users trying to “stand up” for rape victims for their personal “holier-than-thou” ego, they fail to care enough about the very people they defend to understand the dynamics of some of their coping mechanisms, thus begin to bully some members of the group they claim to protect because of the very narcissism, misunderstanding, and controlling nature going on behind their own “activism”. So now that some users have found something to hate, in this case being noncon stories, they attempt to manipulate victims of rape into ostraciszing and demonizing fantasies and other victims of rape just because the “activists” themsleves don’t like it. Even trying to argue that rape victims have a “duty” to agree with everything these “activists” try to do for them.

Sounds awfully familiar to the attitude democrats have towards any minority when it’s time to vote. “I care about you...but you have to agree with everything I say and believe because I want what I think is best for you. If you disagree with me, you’re ungrateful and a traitor”.

Now...a little about myself.

I’m not sure of everyone else who’s into the noncon type of story, but I use it to get away from my past. In noncon stories, I want to read what happens in the chapters. I want to imagine them for morbid curiosity and arousal I feel at the time being. In reality, my attackers didn’t care when I wasn’t in the mood, and never gave me a choice. In noncon stories, I get to choose the character I want to encounter in the fantasy and NOT have it picked FOR me. In real life, I didn’t get to choose who did some things to me. In noncon stories, I get to stop reading them and do something else whenever I’m not feeling it anymore. In reality? My attackers kept going because, in the situation, it was no longer up to me. After noncon stories, my body doesn’t walk away with bruises, bite marks, and physical reminders every time I take my clothes off or try to masturbate. In real life...that shit can mark you, disease you, and then traumatize you. With the stories, I get to delete my search history, join another fandom, and act like nothing ever happened. For reality? Your own body is a reminder of what happened because it was real. In reality, I’m NEVER gonna fucking forget what happened. I’ll be lucky if my own mind and body doesn’t haunt me for at least one day..

So seeing that someone, and probably multiple people not only tried to use victims of sexual assault for their own “go get em” dogs, but to try and phrase me as someone who loves and encourages such an assault on human beings? After the things I felt? After the things I tasted? After pathetically searching for the support of relatives, just to get shut down with “you’re lying”?..

...All the times I've been held down..threatened..clothes getting snagged off..parts being opened and touched after I've fought to just get the fuck away from certain people...

According to this anon..."she likes rape".

...I guess I just fucking LOVED EVERYTHING THEN.

You know...all my life I’ve been misunderstood by many people. It’s honestly really disappointing that even now when I’m better at explaining myself than ever, I’m STILL being phrased as a “psychopath” by random people who haven’t even taken the time to even know me. Not even from a minute-long conversation through a damn computer screen. And you wanna know the funny thing? I’m probably being laughed at as this is being read. Some of these users, these internet stalkers, are probably giggling, smiling, and saying “Haha YES we GOT the bitch!! Cry you piece of shit SLUT!!”. So maybe explaining my past experiences to help everyone understand why some people may use noncon stories to their fantasy advantage is gonna land me messages going: “You haven’t been raped you lying bitch”, “Maybe you should get raped again”, “You definitely enjoyed it”, and the overused, yet strong “Kill yourself”.

So how am I gonna end this message? With me saying that many of you, who THINK you’re doing the right thing by justifying harassment and trying to manipulate others into joining your little crusade to bully people away from the fandom (over extremely mundane fucking things)...aren’t really good people. At best, in this case...you’re fucking stupid. You will never truly speak for any of the marginalized groups you claim to know like the back of your hand. Simply, you will never. be. a hero.

If by chance, by an astrological chance..that any random user wants to come up and apologize out of the blue for talking such shit and for saying such things..I don't even wanna hear it...just get the fuck out of my face..

#slashers #slasher fandom #tw noncon #consensual noncon #fandom drama #long post #past experiences #anon ask

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icyxmischief · 3 years

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I honestly cannot stand the Loki fandom on tumblr anymore. This is the most toxic, hateful fandom I've encountered in a long, long time. I don't know how you've managed to stay for so long, but I've always enjoyed your content and wish you the best of luck going forward here. I don't think I've ever been so disappointed or outright ashamed of a fandom before, but this series has really brought a whole lot of ugliness out of Loki's. And it's such a shame, because it wasn't always this bad.

Friend, it makes me so sad that you feel this way. I know from negative experience in other fandom spaces what you're going through. It's really painful because we come to fandom with an earnest piece of ourselves that we want to share, project or INject, into characters who resonate with us, for any variety of reasons. This means each of us has a very personal, individual, and sometimes fever-pitched stake in how our "comfort character" is portrayed in canon.

This fandom angst derives from a couple of logical fallacies which I wanna spell out here, and from which, I hope, you can free yourself, in order to remain in a psychological space where you can still enjoy the things you love. <3 No really. I am a 38-year-old, successful professional, I have been around the block with fandom discourse and "grown-up real-world" intellectual discourse, and I am telling you, THIS is how I've "lasted this long":

1) Fallacy One: "Canon is the "most real" version of characterization." No. We don't even have to go into "Death of the Author, baybee" or Reception Theory or any of the other stuff in 20th and 21st century media crit to refute this. Simply put: you experience the media. The media exists in a wholly fictional realm anyway. The only difference is money/resources and breadth of audience. Your experience and, say, Kevin Feige's, or Kate Herron's, are all equally "real." Your Variant of the Sacred Canon (I DO think they're being that meta with the fans in the Loki series, yes), if you will, deserves to exist as much as the one Tom Hiddleston acts out on screen. You have a right to the Loki that exists in your head. 2) Fallacy Two: Seemingly opposite but often entwined with Fallacy One, as a defense/coping mechanism against Fallacy One: "My version is the 'most valid' version, and departure from my version equates lack of authenticity or effort, or, most dangerous of all, moral/ethical inferiority." No. We all have the right to the Loki in our heads. Now this one is trickier, admittedly, because the people who gravitate to characters like Loki tend to share his experience with social Othering/marginalization and trauma. That means that if you tell them "you're wrong, and stop getting in my face and being so aggressive," you could be accused (indeed, perhaps rightfully) of tone-policing someone who identifies with a marginalized group (racially, in terms of ability, in terms of gender identity or sexual orientation, etc). The best thing, therefore, for you to do is acknowledge that your readings of the "text" (here, a tv show) differ, and that you respectfully decline to discuss the matter. Even if it rankles you, don't engage. These people have a very personal stake in the media and in essence, it's kindest to let them depart to be angry in their own space.

3) Connected closely to the above, “What we condone in fiction equates what we condone in reality,” God, no. Much ink has been spilled by more eloquent writers on this, so I won’t expound. But don’t go there. Don’t fall for that. Lol. It leads only to misery.

Habits I would encourage, to avoid Big Fandom Wank:

1) When you see content you don't like, especially spoken in an incendiary or absolutist manner, block or unfollow. Do not engage directly. Vent about it in your own space if you must, or better yet, in private, to trusted friends. If you engage, which...sometimes it IS worth it to do so, if something has real personal significance to you as a consumer of that media, then be braced for people to be rude or even abusive, because human beings, especially in internet spaces, are messy emotional creatures who leap to conclusions without gauging for nuance. There is disagreement over different and valid interpretations of content, and then there is just being unpleasant on principle.

2) See advice in Fallacy Two re avoiding tone-policing.

3) Find your people and curate your dash strictly. This can be ten people or it can be two. Make a close-knit small group in a private space for all your sharing of ideas. Make sure these are people you trust, who, when you spend time consuming the media with them, make you feel better, not worse.

4) Unfollow liberally. Block liberally. You don't owe anyone your time, energy, or, especially, happiness. People will accuse you of cowardice or "running away from a grown-up debate." Let them. It's pitiable, in perspective. They're insecure and sad and they need to say manipulative things. But you know better, don't you? You're just preserving your peace of mind.

5) If you mess up, go quiet for a while, take a break from social media, and it will blow over. I promise. Delete anon hate (and know that you can block the sender, even an anon, on Tumblr, too!).

--------

Friend, thank you for your kind words. I'm so sorry you're so sad. I hope I see you here again someday. <3

Anyone who needs a boost can reblog this advice, btw.

#Loki #Loki fandom #Loki series #meta #sorta

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outbythehighwind · 4 years

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Tifa’s Fighting Style

One of the things that impressed me most about FF7R is Tifa Lockhart’s combat. Her mechanics were dazzling. Her combos left me awed. Her style was so realistic, but... what was it? Naturally, I did some digging, and happened to stumble across a blog where most of the work had already been done. So this post is courtesy of Flowerslightning, with thoughts and elaboration on my part. THANKS AND CREDIT TO THIS WONDERFULLY INSIGHTFUL BLOGGER (do check out her tumblr for more fantastic content).

First, let’s note that Tifa’s combat design is very much in the field of fighting games. To some degree at least, developers take inspiration from real-life arts. The style of Tekken’s Lei Wulong, for instance, is based on the Drunken First. Street Fighter’s Chun Li uses the model of Chinese Kenpo.

The FFVII devs - to my knowledge - have revealed nothing on Tifa’s inspired martial arts background. She adopted the monk style (the fisticuffs of FF-verse) from a traveler named Zangan. That’s all we know. She trained (obviously very hard) as his pupil for the 2 years between Cloud leaving Nibelheim and Sephiroth burning the town. Zangan then brought her to Midgar and continued his travels. The only path for discerning real-arts inspiration is through observing Tifa’s fights - though even such attempt is limited. Her style is not as straightforward as Lei’s or Chun Li’s. She seems to employ a mix of martial arts, specializing in the offense and using speed and dexterity to her advantage.

Here are the main styles that Flowerslightning deduced, supported by some of Tifa’s abilities.

1. Muay Thai [demonstrated by Somersault].

This is the known as the “Art of Eight Limbs” and is commonly referred to as “Thai boxing”. It differs from traditional kickboxing (which has its roots in Japan) most notably in being an 8-point instead of 4-point striking system. In other words, Muay Thai employs elbow and shin strikes in addition to kicks and punches. Tifa’s kicks, I would say, are actually more akin to kickboxing, for Muay Thai places emphasis on heavy kicks involving the shin bone. Yet her acrobatic style is very akin to the latter.

In addition to the key boxing techniques of both the Thai and Japanese art, Tifa’s elbow maneuvers provide further evidence for the former. This is most evident during her fight with Loz, where she uses her elbows for offense and defense. One could say she expanded her Thai-based skills during in the 2 years that followed saving the world.

Running a new bar and raising two under-10-year-olds would have left at least a... smidgen of free time, right?

2. Muay Thai [demonstrated by Refocus].

Some may suggest this move of Tifa’s is a Taekwondo technique (we’ll get to that lovable sport soon, don’t you worry), but I agree with Flowerslightning in that her jumping style is more Muay Thai. Almost all Muay Thai techniques use movement of the entire body, rotating the hip with each kick, punch, elbow and block. This to me is the obvious discerning factor. Tifa exquisitely throws her whole body into the majority of her combos and limit breaks, ground and aerial alike. Specifically through that neat hip rotation. Refocus is but one example of many.

PS. Don’t you just love her boots? The gloves are really something but, those red boots... Just look at them.

3. Taekwondo [shown in Overpower].

Literally the “Way of the Hand and Foot”, this is a Korean martial art set apart by its emphasis on kicks. Head-height kicks, jump spin kicks, swift kicks, the list goes on. (But of course, there’s plenty of hand blocking and take-downs too.) Did you know that Taekwondo is part of South Korea’s military training program as well as their national sport? Its skillset is heavy in self-defense.

Tifa is mostly an offensive attacker (and wow, do her strikes deal devastating damage). Yet her aerial maneuvers and acrobatic footwork certainly have elements of Taekwondo. What makes the Taekwondo kick-style unique is its elaborate, advanced forms. Xtreme 720s, for instance, are underpinned by precise technical soundness and accuracy.

Yes, these are literal 720° mid-air turns with a SERIES of kicks timed in utmost precision. They require extraordinary strength. Something Tifa deceptively pulls off with ease, no?

4. Hēi-Hǔ-Quán [displayed in Starshower].

Flowerslightning deduces this ATB ability to be a Boxing combo. Though to me it looks more like Hēi-Hǔ-Quán (lit. ‘Black Tiger Fist’, a Shaolin striking art from China). Watch her hands closely: the thumbs are curled like the fingers rather than wrapped around them to form a fist. Tifa’s wide stances and acrostic kicks are a little less tiger-esque than Hēi-Hǔ-Quán, but there is definitely resemblance of the style there too.

All in all, she seems to employ a mixture of Shaolin arts and Boxing. Her finger-positions for fast jabs (as in Starshower and the Loz fight) are predominantly of the Tiger Fist. Her more powerful strikes, meanwhile, include Boxing crosses, hooks and uppercuts. The sewer cutscene demonstrates this clearly, when Tifa & Cloud encounter the Sahagin.

And damn, do we love the back-to-back Cloti in that scene. Surely I’m not just speaking for myself here.

5. Boxing [displayed in Unbridled Strength].

Tifa’s aforementioned fist moves and powerful finishing punches are no doubt reminiscent of boxing. Also, she always enters a fight with her fists closed in a boxing stance (whether she will employ Shaolin or other hand techniques is irrelevant). Take her cutscene against the Whispers where she, Cloud and Aerith arrive at Sector 7. She begins with a cross and follows with a rotated hook - one of the most basic boxing combos.

BONUS FACT: Rather than orthodox, Tifa always employs a southpaw stance (right hand and right foot forward). This is the preferred stance of a left-hand fighter. Is Tifa left-handed? Considering her fighting alone, yes is the plausible assumption. Here are a few examples:

- Unbridled Strength has her delivering a finishing blow with her left hand. We would expect such a move to be done with the power hand.

- Her single strike that hurls Loz across the church is also with the left hand. This punch is not part of a combo; she could have used either hand.

- In guard position, her left is the rear hand, to both attack and protect herself.

- And of course, in southpaw stance, she always begins with a left-hand strike.

However, all of Tifa’s general actions (to my observance) - like bartending, catching Aerith in the sewer, carrying the Buster Sword into Corneo’s quarters, etc. - suggest that she is right-handed. So why use the left, the weaker, as her dominant hand in fighting? Could she actually be ambidextrous? That is a possibility. But weighing up the evidence in addition to Tifa's ingenuity, this could well be out of fighting strategy.

Southpaw can give Tifa a strategic advantage, you see, because of the tactical and cognitive difficulties her enemies would have of coping with a fighter who moves in a mirror-reverse of the norm. In other words, she takes advantage of the fact that most fighters lack experience against lefties. Doing this:

- opens up chance for a variety of surprise combos;

- puts her human enemies in danger of KOs by what would otherwise be ordinary strikes; and

- enables her to trick her opponents should she unexpectedly convert to orthodox during fights.

Pretty damn awesome, huh?

6. Gymnastics [dodging maneuvers].

Gymnastics, like fighting arts, enhances balance, strength, flexibility and agility - the four areas Tifa excels at. Now, we’ve talked a lot about her strong points. But what of her weaknesses? Players will have noticed immediately that Tifa has a major setback. She can accurately be described as a glass cannon, due to her low HP and defenses that counter-balance her speed and dexterity. That is precisely what makes playing as her so compelling; you get that sense of life or death intensity. The fight feels REAL. She is the least OP character in the party, in addition to by far being the most difficult to master. Utilized properly, she can be the strongest of them all. And wow, is that rewarding or what?

Because of her weak defenses, Tifa must constantly remain on the move, and gymnastics is the quintessential means in doing so. Hand springs, aerial cartwheels - you name it, she’s got it. As if those kicks and uppercuts don’t scream epic enough already. Doesn’t it just make her even MORE amazing?

So I’ve added Hēi-Hǔ-Quán to Flowerslightning’s conclusion: that Tifa’s combat is Mixed Martial Arts, with her dominant skills as Kickboxing, Taekwondo and Muay Thai. And of course, the interweaving of Gymnastics, which adds an elegance to her epic kickassery.

Tifa lost her teacher after just two years, and spent the last five managing & running a bar, serving as AVALANCHE’s funder & treasurer, and effectively solo-raising Barret’s little daughter. Add two more years, and we have a completely absent Barret, a very sick child in addition to the one she is (now permanently) raising, and a depressed, distant Cloud who has left her to struggle as a solo barkeep, full-time nurse and single mother. How on earth did she find the time and will to master her fighting techniques?

Yes, we are talking about fiction, but this woman is nothing short of incredible. Not simply as a fighter - that isn’t even the start of it. Tifa is, to me, the character who has had it the hardest. Yet she perseveres. And not only that, but she gives. She gives and gives, and doesn’t give up, even when everyone else around her has. In addition, she is the only ‘ordinary’ member of the party: Cloud, on top of military training, had his senses enhanced with Mako & Jenova cells; Barret literally has a gun for an arm; and Aerith as the last Cetra possesses exceedingly strong magic. Tifa, like with everything she does, worked hard to hone her skills. And that, to me, is incontestably admirable.

As Flowerslightning put it, she was “ready to go through hell and yet still remain soft”. And those virtues she held to, where most people would have quit. Compassion and perseverance to the end, the two traits that uphold her - to me - as the most inspiring hero of fiction.

#my analyses #tifa lockhart #combat #ff7 remake #ff7 advent children

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gingit-cake · 3 years

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Therapeutic Gallavich

I’ve been wanting to write a tribute post to the Gallavich universe as a free source of therapy during the pandemic. I’m somewhat tongue in cheek here, but in a country (USA) where we have too little mental health support and too much stigma about mental health, diving into the Gallavich fandom and binging Shameless over the past 6m has been a really comforting coping mechanism for me. There is so much grief and loss in the world, so many ways our government and - for many people - our peers have failed us, that the fictional world of Ian and Mickey has been a wonderful source of comfort, in a lot of ways. It’s a retreat from the IRL shitshow. It’s got endless permutations of happy endings, to give us that serotonin boost and vicarious thrill. And given Mickey and Ian’s respective struggles - homophobic and sexual abuse, mental illness, neglect, parental death, incarceration, etc. - there are also countless fanfics that include therapy, recovery, and informal paths towards healing from past trauma. I’ve never related to a show so personally as I have Shameless, and binging it during the pandemic - when social isolation leaves way too much time for rumination, compounded by being at midlife and the reflection that triggers - it basically ripped open my heart and dredged up long buried stuff I’m finally willing to address. My husband and I watched the S7 finale on New Year’s Day, and let’s just say 2021 has been an emotional retcon of my life since. (I’m learning all the creative, literary terms.) (And don’t worry, strangers on the internet, I am fortunate to have a therapist and the insurance to pay for it. I wish we all had this.)

There’s been a few fanfics I explicitly want to give a shoutout too as ones featuring therapy or recovery or conversations that have stayed with me in a meaningful way. Excerpts, tributes, and links below the jump. Possible spoilers for Enemy Lines, Someone to Hold Me Up, Buy and By, and Etherized Against the Sky.

Enemy Lines, by J_Q and stars_fall_on - Ian has a therapist Dr. Lancaster, who introduces him to the concept of rumination:

“He felt a tightening in his chest. Did he even want to let go of Mickey? If not, what the hell was he still holding onto? A memory. A feeling. A belief that he’d made a real connection. But nothing substantial. Nothing real. // 'Ian, is there something hindering you from wanting to move on?" she asked then sat back, looking closely at him. “Are you familiar with the term rumination? // ... // Rumination, as opposed to worry, very often focuses on loss and an overpowering need to understand why something happened.' She continued to watch him closely as she spoke. 'While emotional processing starts out this way, healthy processing leads to acceptance and a release of negative emotions, but rumination keeps you stuck in a pattern.’”

THIS is my brain in a nutshell. As I wrote in a comment on one of the chapters to this amazing slow burn, enemies-to-lovers fic, I’ve got relationships from 20y+ ago that I still brood over. I’m working on letting go and the Gallavich universe has been a creative inspiration for doing some of that work.

Someone to Hold Me Up, by @westernredcedar - Mickey has a conversation with an OC about forgiveness, after reconnecting with Ian in this hurt/comfort fic:

“'You ever have to forgive your guy for something?' Mickey asks. // Mel laughs. 'Of course. Daily, actually. The man’s a damn slob.' // Mickey snorts, but then he runs his hand over his mouth and tries to actually get to the point. ‘What about something big?' // Mel looks like he’s considering the question thoughtfully, and Mickey realizes that somewhere in the midst of all this madness, he’s really gotten to like this guy. 'I have lots of thoughts about forgiveness, actually,” Mel says with an eyebrow raised. “So you may not want to get me started on that theme. But it’s more about my parents and my sister than about Jeffrey, if that matters. I guess for me it all boils down to this: would it cost me more to forgive or cost me more to stay angry? And my answer to that question is not the same for everyone.’”

This conversation about forgiveness has really stayed with me. One of the reasons I’ve realted so much to the character of Ian Gallagher is I had a hothead brunet of a boyfriend in high school during that same age range (15-17) who is probably the same height as Noel Fisher and caused no shortage of DRAMA in my life, and it didn’t end well. (We were definitely NOT soulmates.) I am serious when I say Shameless and Gallavich specifically helped me let a lot of this 30y old angst go. This exchange b/w Mickey and Mel gets at it - it was costing ME a lot to hang on to this past.

By and By, by @nowherenj - This one I’m not going to excerpt, because it was the whole story that moved me. Nowherennj draws on their experience in recovery, and this slow burn is both beautifully written and a primer on being in recovery. This was really helpful for me, as I have close friends and family who are in recovery, some with a dual diagnosis (drug use + mental health diagnosis), and this story’s generous attention to detail helped illustrate their experiences for me in a way that we don’t talk about on a regular basis. One of the reasons I identify so strongly with Shameless is because I come from a big sprawling Irish-American family with a lot of addiction and mental illness in it. This fic about Ian and Mickey in recovery makes explicit much of what I think my family hovers around because it can be so hard to talk about openly. I wept reading this one when the author brought in The Avett Brothers’ No Hard Feelings - how I want to live my life.

Etherized against the Sky, by Snarfle - This one is less about my own therapeutic journey and more about what I hope I can be for young adults that I work with now. It has a character in it named Mr. Strickland, who is a very important father figure for Mickey. I was a professor for a decade, and still mentor young adults in my current job. I think one of the unsung roles that I experienced in academia is too be a mentor for young people. Some instructors are just about curriculum and grading, but when you cross paths with young adults at the beginning of this stage of life, figuring their sh*t out, the ability to be a kind and safe source of input and an active, non-judgemental listener is honestly the most fulfilling aspect of working with students and young professionals, in my view. Maybe it’s because the years 15-25 were such chaos for me, but I love working with people this age (and probably why I hang around on Tumblr despite my near eligibility for AARP lol). You’ve got your whole life in front of you! So many possibilities! Full of hot boyfriends and tomato plants and rescue dogs and heated pools. :)

There are surely more, I’ve realized that “hurt/comfort” is a great tag for these kinds of stories. But this post is already too long. Thanks to all of you in the fandom who have created art and narrative that have kept me coming back for more, and not feeling so alone in the pandemic. We are a mighty little community!

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illnessfaker · 3 years

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Can you go off about your tangent the other day re: people only caring about ableism as it pertains to fandom

ooooooh boy. i was thinking abt this yesterday actually. kinda. if ur talking abt the warrior cats post my point was moreso "why are u directing so much energy into something ultimately meaningless when it comes to improving the treatment of disabled people irl" rather than "people only care about ableism in fandom" which kinda leads into what i was thinking abt

i search "ableism" on here when i'm bored and the results are mostly chock-full of posts abt fictional media and it's like...upsetting. the disabled people on twitter basically never talk about fictional media (and never talk about mcyt, god bless) and are instead raising awareness abt ableism in the real world that's seriously affecting real people every day.

like, i get it. i get why this happens. ppl on tumblr are always posting "making fandom ur whole identity is cringe/unhealthy" but not rly asking why so many ppl do it. i used to be just like these people when i was younger and my life was a special kind of hell due to being abused whereas now i'm pretty alienated from fandom spaces. i'm not saying that everyone uses it as a coping mechanism for abuse or smth but it's a phenomenon that i see as occurring because when we live in a bleak capitalist hellscape i can't rly fault people for getting super invested in fictional characters and worlds, then living vicariously through that because the current state of the real world is unfulfilling. that's why this happens

that doesn't mean it's okay for people to do offensive crap like interpret real-world, very serious issues exclusively through a fictional lens (white ppl in fandom often due this w racism) or anything else, and that doesn't mean i don't think ppl super-invested in fandom "discourse" shouldn't direct more of that energy in to real-life issues, just that i think it's not rly productive to tell ppl they're freaks and weirdos for centering their identity around fictional stuff bc it's produced by the isolation and monotony that comes w existence in a capitalist society.

most of these ppl are disabled themselves in some way and i'm not saying it's bad for them to criticize or vent abt ableism in their favorite media, even if it's...warrior cats...lol, but it's just rly something seeing most discussion abt ableism on tumblr generally being. incorrect or meaningless. any able-bodied ppl who talk more abt the ableism against "physically disabled characters" in warrior cats than they do abt ableism that happens to physically disabled people irl can get fucked though lol that's absolutely ridiculous.

#asks #Anonymous #ableism

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myaekingheart · 3 years

Text

As I approach a very raw and emotional arc in the story that I’m writing, I’ve been thinking a lot about comfort characters, coping mechanisms, and fandom. Specifically in the lens of curating your own fandom experience and trying to navigate other people’s perceptions of your comfort characters.

Like, one of my favorite things about fandom is the fact that we have this tendency to so often latch onto characters that mean something to us or that we see parts of ourselves in. We get really, really attached to characters and fall in love with them and even create these fabricated narratives (that are sometimes also romances, self-insert or not) as a way to feel some sort of bond with these characters. We feel like we know them and end up feeling like we share some sort of fictional relationship with them and it can be extremely comforting. It can be extremely comforting using that fictional relationship and the stories we weave as a way to cope with things we’re dealing with in our lives, to work through these complex and raw thoughts and emotions in a way that foregoes more dangerous routes. The intrinsic value of hurt/comfort and even whump in transformative works in terms of coping with mental, physical, and emotional pain cannot be ignored. And this is great! The right to take a comfort character and use them as your own personal coping mechanism is truly one of the most wonderful things about fan culture.

If this was all there was to it, then that would be fine. And if you’re kind of solitary in your fandom endeavors, then that’s likely all there is to it. When you start engaging in fandom and with other people, though, I feel like that’s when things can so easily go awry. Chances are, you are not the only person who takes comfort in a specific character. And you are not the only person who uses that character to cope and process through transformative works. It’s an amazing feeling to find someone who shares the same love for a character that you do, and who is on a similar wavelength as you in terms of using that character as a way to cope, and the things that you each use that character to cope with. But then there’s the darker side, when people use your comfort character to cope with things that make you uncomfortable. Or even just use them as a player in a story that makes you uncomfortable. It can be extremely difficult to be so deeply attached to a character and your own personal solitude in them, the idea of them protecting you from something bigger than yourself, and then so suddenly find someone else using that very character to create stories heavily focused on the very thing you’re trying to combat. The most common reactions, I feel, are typically anger, fear, confusion, hurt, distrust, disgust. A part of you might even begin questioning how well you even know this character to begin with, or if everything you’ve thought you understood about them was way off the mark and you’ve been fabricating this false, out-of-character idea of them. But more than anything, you begin to feel like the one character in which you sought comfort has been turned around to hurt you. And that can be an extremely distressing thing to try to manage.

It can be even more difficult when the version of this character that is so heavily focused on something that’s harmed you is widely accepted or at least presented in a fandom space. It can feel isolating, like you constantly have to watch your step and vet everyone that reaches out to you or follows you. It can be tiring. It can leave you feeling like you just want to remove yourself from fandom spaces entirely. A personal example: one of my favorite characters is very commonly presented in fandom in a way that feels very close to an incident from when I was younger that traumatized me. And seeing this character presented in this way can be incredibly distressing, disturbing, and disgusting. More often than not, I end up having this very visceral reaction that leaves me nauseous, angry, and self-conscious. Because seeing a character I love occupying a space reminiscent of someone who hurt me is unsettling, and even moreso when it’s so much harder to avoid.

So that begs the question of what to even do about this, because I’m sure that this experience is universal to anyone engaging in fandom in one capacity or another. There are plenty of options. There is leaving fandom entirely, whether that means detaching yourself from your entire fandom experience or resorting to enjoy fandom quietly, silently, alone. This is an easy and safe option. This is like the abstinence of options. You can’t put yourself in the line of fire if you never engage in the first place, right? But it’s also incredibly isolating. It’s cutting yourself off of the positive experiences in fandom because the negatives seem to outweigh them. It’s throwing the whole thing in the garbage because one piece broke off. Another option is policing other people. This is considered in poor form. This is unhinged and unempathetic. This is the angry child stomping in the grocery store insisting that if you can’t have a piece of candy, then no one can. Because people are going to continue to write and create whatever content they want regardless of whether or not it makes someone else uncomfortable. Sometimes especially if it makes someone else uncomfortable, because that is the point that they are trying to make in their art. But also because so often the very things that make you uncomfortable are the very things are bringing comfort to someone else. It’s their way of coping, just in the exact opposite way as you. And policing them would make them feel the same way as someone policing you. It feels restrictive and hurtful and, again, isolating. So if you can’t stop other people from creating what you don’t want to see, and you can’t bring yourself to remove yourself from the situation, what other options do we have left?

Managing your fandom experience is like a balancing act. It requires not censorship, necessarily, but well-intentioned warnings. Tagging and unfollowing and blocking and blacklisting. The only reliance this has on other people is for them to maintain courtesy by listing the contents on the front page like the ingredients on a package of food. Not everyone does this, which is another problem entirely, but the ones that do are doing all that’s required of them. The rest is up to you. The rest relies solely on your ability to blacklist your triggers, unfollow people who do share content that triggers you without tagging (which can be difficult when something that triggers you is very niche and vague, like a specific perfume or a woman with blue hair). Block people who follow you that share triggering content, even if you’re not following them, because we know that even them just appearing in your notifications and the temptation of looking at their content can be unnerving--despite how much we all certainly like to believe we have some semblance of self control. Blacklist the tags that bother you so that you can continue engaging with a friend’s content even if they share things that you don’t enjoy or want to see. Tumblr makes this easy with options like Xkit and Tumblr Savior.

But what about other places? What about on Twitter and Discord and AO3 and deviantART? What about when you run into uncomfortable content that you can’t avoid? When all other options have been exhausted but you still just can’t escape it? What do you do then? I’m still trying to figure that out myself. I’m still trying to find a way to navigate certain unsettling waters in the most balanced and respectful way, while also respecting my own triggers and mental health. And sometimes it’s really fucking hard. Sometimes there’s more to it than just blocking and blacklisting. And I wish I had answers for what to do in those situations, but I don’t. Not yet. And I hope one day I will.

All of this is just to say: fandom can be a murky and dizzying experience and sometimes you’re bound to run into things that make you uncomfortable, or things that don’t sit well with you. Sometimes you’re bound to run into interpretations of your comfort character that make you sick to your stomach and want to punch a hole in the wall and delete everything you’ve ever written and shot out into the world for reasons you don’t even quite understand. And sometimes all of that can feel really isolating, or like you’re just overexaggerating and being a wimp, or like you’re being a bad participant in fandom spaces. Sometimes it can be really hard to want to stay involved in fandom when curating that experience can feel like so much work. And because as much as you can tag and blacklist and block and unfollow, that doesn’t always completely erase the feelings that running into that triggering content comes with. You can do all of these things and still feel nauseous and angry and uncomfortable and like you desperately need to reach for the eye bleach. And that can be really hard to navigate, especially when seeing that content makes you feel separated from the one character you would turn to to actually cope with this. Sometimes it can begin to feel like the way you see this character or feel about this character has been irrevocably changed for you now, because all you see attached to them now is your trigger, and that really hurts. I wish I had answers for how to manage those feelings, or how to rewire the circuits in your brain and load an old save up, to cut out the moldy part of the cheese and enjoy the rest that hasn’t yet been spoiled in your mind. I wish I had answers for how to cope with those sorts of things, but I don’t. I just hope one day I will.

#i'm probably going to delete this later #but i just needed to tap out a really shitty essay on some things that have been going through my mind lately #because sometimes it really can just be increasingly difficult to avoid triggers in fandom #but it's just something we all have to learn how to perfect and navigate properly i guess?#i don't know i'm just being stupid though #so don't mind me #long post is long #delete later #ramblings

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strangerfictions · 4 years

Text

Fanfiction and Fun

Request: Can you do a Dacre Montgomery imagine where he comes to bed, finding you reading Billy fanfiction. You try to hide it at first, but he sees it. He then starts whispering into your ear using his Billy voice, trying to turn the reader on, starting to make out and the story continues on.

Summary: Dacre is away filming and so you turn to tumblr for some comfort. Dacre now comes home and finds you reading Billy Hargrove smut and fun ensues.

Warnings: major smut guys!

Words: 1450

A/N: So, I actually was working on something VERY similar to this before I started the Christmas requests. I love this idea SO MUCH !!! When I read this request from @thegirlsadventuresinwonderland I was so excited to get writing! Idk why I took this so long but sorry it did! Hope you enjoy it !

You had met Dacre through mutual friends and over a few months you both fell hard for each other. After a year of dating you had both decided it would be good to move in together. After searching for what seemed like years you found a cute two-bedroom apartment that had a balcony leading out from the master bedroom.

You loved moving it meant you could go shopping for new furniture and that’s exactly what you both did as soon as you got the keys. You’ve been living with Dacre now for about six months and the apartment is finally starting to look good.

Dacre had been away all week for filming and so you decided to put some finishing touches to the office/guest bedroom. By the time you were finished you were exhausted and just wanted to curl up with Dacre and watch Netflix. But that wasn’t a possibility considering he was half away around the other side of the world filming something. You always had a coping mechanism for days like this and tonight would be no different.

You started your nightly routine a little earlier so you could get into bed as soon as possible. You got into the shower enjoying the warmth as you washed your hair. Once you were finished and dry you got into some pyjamas which consisted of panties and one of Dacres shirts. You then got into bed phone in hand. You opened up tumblr and typed in your go to search “Billy Hargrove fanfiction”. You had the Stranger Things wardrobe department to blame for this. If they hadn’t made Dacre look so good with a mullet you wouldn’t have to read fanfiction based of a fictional character played by your boyfriend. You have never told Dacre that you loved him as Billy Hargrove and that in a weird way you were turned on by it. That was your dark fantasy for now.

You had been scrolling through tumblr for hours. You were now laying on your side with your back to the door as you continued to read through a particularly dirty Billy Hargrove fanfiction. You were so engrossed in the words that you didn’t hear your boyfriend sneaking in the door behind you.

“What are you reading?” You jump with fright as you cling to your phone for dear life. You turn around to find Dacre smiling smugly at you. You wondered how much he had seen. From the grin on his face you knew he had seen enough.

“What are you doing here?” You ask as you sit up in bed trying to change the subject.

“Well my plan was to surprise you by coming home early but you apparently had other plans for tonight” Dacre places his suitcase near the door and walks towards the wardrobe taking out some pyjamas.

“I had no plans for tonight actually! I was just reading…” You can feel the heat rise in your cheeks as you bring up the fanfiction.

“I saw actually I read…Really Billy Hargrove fanfiction?! Why not the guy your actually dating?” Dacre continues clearly affected by the fact that you weren’t reading fanfiction on him.

“Well technically it is your fanfiction just you with a mullet and some really tight jeans that make your ass look amazing!” You get out of bed and walk over to wear Dacre was slamming drawers closed looking for something unimportant.

“They did make my ass look pretty good!” Dacre smiles up at you as he sits onto the bed. You both laugh at how ridiculous this all was.

“I’m sorry baby I just really missed you and I loved you as Billy you were so hot with a mullet!” You stand in between his legs as you place a kiss on his forehead.

“Mhmm well looks like someone is getting all hot and bothered thinking about it” Dacre pulls you towards him and runs his finger over the wet spot on your panties. You couldn’t help but moan as you felt Dacre’s finger graze over your clit.

“That’s it princess I want to hear you moan for me !” The minute you heard Dacre call you princess you knew he had slipped into character something you saw him do so often but this time you were incredibly turned on by this change.

“Baby I need you” You whisper in Dacres ear as you stand over him catching a glimpse of his growing bulge in his jeans.

“Patience baby! I want you to get off on my thigh first since you seem to want it so badly!” You look at Dacre in surprise you then realise he had seen the important parts of the fanfiction. Thigh riding was something you really wanted to try but you were too nervous to bring it up with Dacre.

“You didn’t think I had seen that much did you? Don’t worry I saw plenty to keep you occupied for the night. “As much as I love the red panties, I think you look better with them on the ground. Don’t you agree?” You nod as he says this. You can feel his finger hook the hem and he pulls the red lacy panties down to your ankles. You place your hand on his shoulder to steady yourself as you step out of them.

“Much better. I want you straddling my thigh Princess…now!” You were surprised by how forward your boyfriend was being but you it was having an effect on you especially between your legs. You can feel Dacres eyes on you as you hover over his thigh.

“Now!” Your boyfriend grabs you by your shirt and pulls you down onto his thigh gently. The sudden feeling of the material on your clit make you gasp. Your hips begin to grind gently against his thigh. Your eyes close as you feel the pleasure begin to build in the pit of your stomach. Your moans begin to get louder and louder as the pleasure gets too much for you. You open your eyes to see Dacre smiling smugly at you.

“Someone liked that a lot!” Dacre laughed as you stood up from his leg. You looked down to where Dacre was looking. His jeans had a huge wet patch from where you had been sitting.

“Shit sorry I’ll clea...” You start to laugh out of embarrassment but Dacre then stands up and begins to kiss you to shut you up.

“I don’t care about my jeans princess! They are coming off right now anyways” Dacre began to kiss along your jaw and down your neck as your hands go straight to his jeans. You begin to unbutton them and unzip them as Dacre gently leaves marks on your neck.

“Now people will know your mine!” You were about to get down on your knees when Dacre stopped you.

“No way tonight is about you now get on the bed ass in the air!” You follow Dacre’s instructions and within seconds you hear his jeans hit the floor with a soft thud. You turn around to look at him as he pulls a condom onto his cock. He wraps his hand around his hard cock pumping it a few times before rubbing it against your opening causing you to let out a soft moan. Without warning Dacre pushes into you slowly allowing you to get adjusted to his size. You cant help but moan loudly as you feel the pleasure slowly build.

“Dacre please…faster baby” Dacre’s pace begins to get faster as you both moan from the pleasure.

“Fuck baby you’re so tight for me!” Dacre’s hand comes down and comes in contact with your ass. The slap echoing through the room as you moan. You can tell Dacre is close because his pace was getting sloppy.

“Dacre…I’m so close”

“Me too baby…are you going to come with me?” You nod your head as you both feel the pleasure take over you both. You both come together both collapsing on the bed in a sweaty mess.

“Fuck baby we need to do that again” Dacre pulls you into him and kisses your forehead as you both catch your breath.

“You should catch me reading more often babe” You both laugh at how ridiculous the night ended up being.

“Well now I know what really gets you going and so do my jeans” You feel your cheeks begin to burn as you hide your face in Dacre’s chest. You were about to say something when you heard a small snore come from your boyfriend who was passed out underneath you. You place your head back on his chest and fall asleep.

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Tag List: If you want to be added to any of my future posts then click here to be sent to the google form!

@an-antisocial-writer @charmed-asylum @takemebillyhargrove @technolilly @multifandomgirl16 @dreamin-of-dacre @1998–js

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shadowfae · 4 years

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Hello there! I've been questioning lately if I might be otherkin or otherhearted. I've checked out your post on terminology and how to go about questioning, and I'm still working thru that whole process, but I had a question. I've seen a couple times this term I'm completely unacquainted with, so I thought I would just like, ask what it is lol. Do you mind explaining what wishkin is for a new maybe-member of the alterhuman community? Thx in advance, and I hope you're having a great day!

Not a problem, and I’m glad you asked, because this is absolutely something you need to know. (And yes, I’m having a good day. I’m reading Toby Daye (excellent faerie series) and I have chips and my mate, so all is good.)

Wishkin is an old term, and we use it kind of because we have to. Tumblrkin is a subset of wishkin that is, you know, got its own brand of tumblr-being-godawful. Basically, wishkin is someone who warps the definition of ‘kin until they can fit in it even though they don’t actually do. Someone who wants really really hard for it to be real that they demand everyone else change to include them. If like... You experiment with labels and try to figure out if this community that’s calling to you is you or not, that’s not wishkin.

When we say wishkin, it’s a term based out of people with malicious intent. If you’re genuinely trying to learn and see if you fit, then you probably don’t fit the term.

You’ve doubtless seen the kids that go “Yeah I kin whatshisface from Undertale, doubles are fake and none of you are me, and you can’t draw this because I’m whatshisface and I said so, and if you kin something I personally deem harmful then you’re a pedophile / rapist / whatever the buzzword of the day is and you should kill yourself”. That’s tumblrkin, and wishkin as a whole do much the same.

I don’t mind people who are ignorant and trying to learn. We like helping. But people who stick their fingers in their ears and yell when we try to teach them, who insist people who have been here for 5+ years are wrong and delusional, who make a mockery of our community and misuse our terms so they can play games and use our community to start cults and get power trips, well, we don’t like them.

I can’t find the post on it right now for the life of me, but I have a post somewhere deep in my blog screenshotting a wishkin telling everyone what they’re allowed to be ‘kin of (no Problematic(TM) people, you know the type) and a few greymuzzles and I bitched about what wishkin keep doing.

The hard part about them is that yeah, you can usually see most trolls at a glance, but you need practice to be able to tell all wishkin from otherkin at a glance. Like, if someone’s saying “wah I’m a piece of grass and pots are slavery” they’re a troll, you don’t need practice to know that. But someone saying “I’m ‘kin as a coping mechanism please don’t yell at me” and then plugs their ears when you point out that’s copinglinking and insists that you’re actually kinphobic is wishkin, but might not look that way at first glance.

Effectively, they’re the people faking and misconstruing terms to get what they want. It meshes with purity culture and the idea that we can’t hurt fictional characters for they are just as real as real people and hurting them is a Harmful Activity you should be in jail for, because how better to shut someone down than to say you’re the character, and doing something you don’t like to said character is hurting you and they should go to jail and stop being so evil?

If by this point you want a drink, join the club, I’ll tell you about the booze from the Song World.

You’ll understand wishkin more when you see them in action. If you really have a few braincells to spare, take a trip through my ‘kin drama //’ tag and you’ll get wishkin, bad takes, and antikin all in one go. (Also, forgive the post I made a long-ass time ago about worship being bad. I have since learned better, thanks to a few patient folks explaining again the rules of BDSM to my inexperienced self. Bless them for being so patient with me.)

#asks #anonymous #otherkin #fictionkin #wishkin #kin drama //#not really but for the blacklisters tbh #Anonymous

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soulvomit · 4 years

Text

Because of how I was brought up with regard to emotions, I had very, very poor emotional regulation for a lot of my early life. I was also basically just left to emotionally fend for myself in a lot of ways. My parents basically couldn’t deal with emotions, and didn’t teach me to deal with them, and my going from this school to that school to homeschool to that other school to homeschool again didn’t help, because I didn’t really get to practice this stuff with other kids, either.

Basically I was taught that I had to internalize all of my feelings, so I had two modes, Vulcan and Tornado (when the emotions couldn’t be internalized anymore). The problem is, by the time the emotions hit, they were just a seemingly unprovoked rage tantrum or a cry fest, sometimes triggered by some emotional content in a movie, or something weird that my brain had latched onto that didn’t even make sense to me. There was a period when I was 8 where pictures of orchids would set off crying jags. I don’t understand why. I didn’t understand why then, either.

I just had all of these random emotions that I didn’t understand, I didn’t even know what they connected to, and because I couldn’t make sense of my feelings - I couldn’t even tell you what I wanted, because I was conditioned to just name off practical considerations or “logical” reasons I SHOULD want a particular thing. (And it’s for this reason that I stayed in shitty relationships, or even stayed with people I didn’t love. I didn’t like my ex husband that much, but I couldn’t even admit this to myself. I had all kinds of rationalizations for why I should marry him anyway just because HE was interested. But tbh, I didn’t like him that much, and I never did.)

When I started questioning my sexuality, the biggest reason my mom couldn’t wrap her mind around this is because of her mindset that personal fulfillment is NOT WHY WOMEN GET MARRIED. And the problem is - sexuality and gender identity are ALL ABOUT YOUR PERSONAL FEELINGS. And in her mind, this was a reason that gay and trans people were actually invalid. I tried to talk to her about my feelings for other women, but what came up was, “feelings aren’t why people get married.”

And when I questioned my gender, she also couldn’t wrap her mind around that, either. “But ALL women have those feelings!” You just perform whatever role has been assigned to you, PERIOD, that’s how you are a good person, or you are letting multiple people down. And your gender isn’t just your identity, it also comes bundled with specific DUTIES. (The irony is that I would not have been able to be with my fiance if I had not learned to accept that People Partner Because FEELINGS. I had to go through “wait... it’s okay to be gay” to unravel that tangled mess. Identifying as gay for as long as I did, was partly about making a stand that MY PERSONAL FEELINGS MATTER. And once I acknowledged that same sex relationships - which exist largely because of FEELINGS - were okay... eventually, I fell in love with a man who was not someone my mother would have picked out for me. But this was only possible because of my having internalized the idea that MARRYING FOR LOVE was okay in the first place.)

So basically, this is the soup I was swimming in when I was struggling to learn emotions. It doesn’t help that I grew up in a household where the whole idea of feelings, was basically disregarded. (I wonder if it’s this way with other people whose parents are poor, or in survivor mode, or who are from more traditionalist/”old world” families). I was expected to put my feelings aside and expected to have the emotional skills of an adult. And also, my mom has a lot of deep-seated stuff about how personal growth and fulfillment are ONLY FOR MEN. (She actually has a lot of resentment over this.) She believes most advice about being happy as an individual, or how to succeed in the world, only applies to men. But she also internalizes the Judging Voice of ancestors who believed this or that was women’s duties and that doing anything else, for a woman, meant shirking her primary assigned duties. It’s about half unconscious but sometimes she will blurt out something that actually indicates that she believes this.

I learned to control my emotions via directly manipulating my brain chemistry. This is how I stopped being a “crybaby” - there are a couple of different methods. In the short term, I dealt with overwhelm and feeling the tears or rage coming on in public, by doing a particular exercise that I made up. When I was 12, I had taken a brief class in t’ai chi, and we did breathing stuff and “glowing green ball” visualization. Inspired by that and by the Vulcan people from Star Trek, I made up an exercise to suppress my emotions where I would do breathing exercises then steeple all my fingertips together like Mr. Spock and imagine a glowing green ball in my hands. All of my emotions would go into the ball. My thoughts would slow down and I would return to an emotionless space. The other thing I did, had to do with my maladaptive daydreaming. I would project my emotions onto fictional characters - often unconsciously (I didn’t know WHY I was drawn to particular images, I just was). I would replay scenarios in my head that took place between fictional characters. I was especially addicted to romantic scenarios and imagery. Being obsessed with romantic couples felt like a deeply shameworthy hidden “kink” and the less I could talk about it openly (believe it or not, it’s fanfic culture that brought this out into the open), the more obsessed I was.

One of the problems I had was how much I was used to using my maladaptive daydreaming scripts to cope with shit going on in my real world instead of just... fixing that shit. The funny thing is that my school psychologists recognized that this was what my daydreaming was, when I was a child, but my parents didn’t really acknowledge it; I was actually rewarded for both my obsessive interests and my daydreaming as a child, because both of them meant that I was being undemanding. I was coached, however, not to talk about these things with other people. They were okay to do at home.

I also had trichotillomania, and when I was in a period of doing lots of group therapy in my early 30s - I discovered what my “trigger” was, I discovered that it related to feeling abandoned and empty. And just like that, that’s when I finally stopped doing it - I learned to recognize the feelings that triggered my trich, instead of jumping right into doing the trich things. I had been learning how to just sit with my feelings. And at some point, I started using my “centering” method (the breathing thing with the glowing ball) to quiet my mind down and sit with my emotions, and to reduce my stress levels, instead of using it to suppress my emotions. My emotional landscape was like this... “I don’t know how I’m feeling. All I know is that I’m pulling my hair a lot and daydreaming a lot. Also, I had a meltdown at work but I don’t know why. Also, I got irrationally angry at so-and-so because they offended me personally.” (And my offense was connected, generally, to my emotionality being triggered.) But over time, and with lots of learning and new skills, I learned... that the fact that I wanted to do a particular unproductive or self-destructive thing, was indication that I was feeling something. And this meant that I was not to act out, but that I was to sit with my feelings and ask myself what I was feeling.

I had to learn to start validating myself, and seeing my own feelings as valid. The funny thing is, I parsed to lots of people as being unemotional. I could not have emotional conversations with my partners; stuff about emotions made me dissociate or check out. I felt horribly confronted whenever asked about my feelings. (Honestly, this is a big reason I had begun preferring male friends. We didn’t talk overmuch about feelings.) This comes from a background in which I was often shamed for my feelings.

The turning point for a lot of this was in my early 30s.

This is about the time when I was doing Landmark Forum, when I was in group therapy, when I was going to Adult Children of Alcoholics (to try to repair my relationship with my dad, who is an Adult Child; alcoholic-adjacent coping mechanisms can persist generations after the last alcoholic in the family has died.) I was in a shit ton of therapy for years. I was in a bunch of support groups, but most importantly, they weren’t 100% filled with peers who validated me 100% of the time. In fact - looking for “safe spaces” full of only my own peers, had been what had held me back. What was actually beneficial to me was being in spaces that had people who were older and further along in their recovery than me, people who had better coping skills than I did, and learning to be present when people bitched me out instead of just automatically “shields up” and spacing out when I got confronted about stuff.

I also was doing a SHIT TON of journaling and blogging and writing in spaces such as message forums and mailing lists (Tumblr sort of picked up where the forums left off.)

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loyalflutist · 5 years

Text

I’m Yours (F!Byleth x Edelgard) *R-18+

Challenge: Edeleth Twitter Week (09/29/2019 - 10/05/2019) Day 6: I’m Yours

A/N: I was busy on 10/04 the entire day, so the fictions are starting to be backed up by a day or two. Also, since I’m not sure why Tumblr is hiding my lemons... (I wrote one for Dorothea and there was an older one with Edeleth that somehow disappeared from the search results...) Hence, I’ll begin to tag them as “LEMON THE LEMONADE” rather than the usual tag.

Also, beware of minor implications of nonconsensual activity and massive spoilers about Byleth’s origin and the following characters: Sothis, Rhea, Seteth, Flayn, Jeralt.

---

People sometimes think the world revolves around them. A singular entity in a vast space that shines the brightest. It was their life, and it was their life alone. No one has any control over it. Not their family. Not their friends. Not their enemies. No one. Absolutely no one. They were who they were. No one can define their existence.

Yet fate is sometimes cruel. That singular entity— that person, can be manipulated and placed under a hold from their oppressors. Brutal methods were enforced to brainwash the individual. Terrorize them. Drag them down with metallic chains fit for wild beasts. Mouths muffled by hands tainted with their very own blood. Blindfolds concealing the truth from them. False beliefs instilled into them. Obedience a necessity to survive the next day. And when a savior appears, they are taken away just as quickly as they appear. Oh, how terrifying it must be to open up to their significant other! Everything can go south so quickly… as for Byleth Eisner.

‘ I don’t want to be used. ‘

A shudder ran down her spine amidst her violent trembles. The teal-haired can be spotted in her private quarter, seated on her royal mattress in her loungewear. Legs pulled close to her chest, Byleth’s fingers tangled with her locks, her nails digging into the sensitive scalp. The weak heart that finally came back to life thumped heavily upon her chest; its pounding reaching her eardrums. These symptoms were becoming more and more frequent as the days crawled by… She gritted her teeth and felt her respiration hastened.

‘ I’m scared. ‘

How out of character, one may ask! She stands strong in adversary with features relating her to the infamous nickname, “Ashen Demon.” She commands the armies and battalions with ease. She commends those with their valiant efforts. She becomes a sly fox when teasing her alumni. She pridefully married an emperor of the Adrestian Empire. Hark, is this the Byleth everyone has come to respect and love?

The aftermath of the war was over, but the physical and emotional scars remain. Upon learning the truth about her origin from Rhea, Seteth, Flayn, and Jeralt, she wanted nothing more than to crawl under a hole and stay put. A rush of emotions that she had been bottling up over the years was becoming to rear its head from the corner— That wasn’t right… It came crashing into her fragile mental state like a tsunami. War had kept her emotions in check, but now that the main conflict was finally over with the staggering defeat of Rhea, nothing was keeping them back. Accompanied by poor coping mechanisms, it was inevitable PTSD would terrorize the ex-mercenary every night.

“I’m sorry to leave you behind like this, Byleth...”

No…

“We’re like family!”

No…!

“It is my duty to protect you.”

No!

“Mother, you have returned.”

“NO!!!”

“Byleth?!”

“?!”

She instinctively lashed out to the speaker with her hand. It stopped mid-air by a powerful grip. Dread overwhelmed the older woman as she tugged away from its captor. A couple of attempts failed, their hold was overpowering. Fear clenched her throat and choked her as whimpers trickled out. Why can’t she get away?! Through her blurred vision in the dark room, she began to cry; tears flowed down her cheeks like a waterfall.

The figure holding her was none other than Rhea. She had that holy smile, that holy aura, and that holy title glued to her physical existence. Yet the maiden stared directly into her shivering soul. Those same loving eyes that she once possessed similarities to. The one that she could easily call her “daughter.” Byleth quivered as she used her other hand to weakly push away from the female.

“Don’t call me Mother!”

“BYLETH!”

Rhea instantly disappeared in a blink of an eye. At that same moment, warmth immediately enveloped her entire body and blackened her sight. It was like a protective bubble… a blanket that someone had draped over her physical and spiritual body. Scarlet carnation’s aroma fluttered to her nose from the person’s bosoms. Their arms tightened its hold on the professor as said-person whispered,

“Byleth, it’s me.”

Now it wasn’t the voice of Rhea that vibrated her eardrums. It was the voice of her wife; Edelgard von Hresvelg had pulled her into a firm embrace.

Acknowledging her presence froze Byleth in place. She tried to peel away from her chest only to find it a futile try, the emperor resting a hand on the back of her head. The professor deeply inhaled her scent. Then, she exhaled her shaky hot breaths into Edelgard. This was embarrassing. Her meltdowns were meant for private eyes only, and those private eyes belong to herself. The fact that her wife just witnessed her disastrous distress might color her in a different light. She is her professor, she is older than her, and she has more experience in life than the white-haired. She wasn’t supposed to act this way.

“Byleth…”

“…”

Silence ensued afterward. Not a peep came out of Byleth’s mouth. The noble softly exhaled and pressed her lips upon her wife’s head. Fingers eventually ran through the teal hair, her nails gently scratching Byleth’s scalp. Small bursts of euphoria washed over her scrambled mind from Edelgard’s heavenly motions; drowsiness nearly making its way forward. Byleth adjusted the position of her head as a melancholic tune filled the quiet atmosphere.

“The footsteps of the lost child cease to be heard

Replaced only by that song of prayer

The song soon becomes that burning lamp

Guiding on that wandering traveler…”

It was rare to hear Edelgard sing. Whenever she participated in the fine arts, she would never dare express her interest with them to the public. Not even to her own wife out of embarrassment. However, tonight was an exception. The sorrow that dripped from the lyrics, yet there was a sense of consolation from those words showered to the listener.

Footsteps from the lost child…

That would be Edelgard.

Replaced only by a song of prayer…

That would be Edelgard.

The song that soon becomes a burning lamp…

That would be Edelgard.

Guiding on the wandering traveler…

That would be Byleth.

The two shifted their posture so Edelgard would easily hug Byleth on the bed. They laid down with Byleth holding onto her wife for dear life. Their legs tangled and a blanket providing additional warmth to the solemn night. Peering through the windows was the moonlight basking their resting figures. Despite the height difference, it appears Edelgard was the tall one in the relationship at this moment. She continued to scratch her wife’s head as she sang.

“If you feel afraid, just shout it all out loud

And you will know that I am right by your side

Holding you close with this trembling body of mine

To let you know that you are not alone

It’s alright if we can’t smile like before

For one day we will reach that place for you and me, that place… for you… and me.”

“…you should sing more often,” Byleth mumbled into her lover’s chest. She nuzzled into Edelgard and added, “But I think you should sing something happier.”

“Happier? You must be feeling better if you’re able to suggest something to me.”

“…”

Edelgard had to stifle her chuckle when the older woman reburied her face into her bosoms.

Oh, how the role has been reversed. She remembered the nightmares that had plagued her when she was a student. Numerous visions and hallucinations of her deceased siblings and classmates came to visit her from their grave. Their cold hands pulled her into the darkest abyss. She eventually finds herself strapped onto the wooden chair, the scalpels and needles jabbed into her exposed flesh from multiple non-consensual surgeries. Flaming aches throbbed from her hidden scars. They were unbearable to sleep through. It was always a surprise to Edelgard whenever she was able to function like a fully conscious person during her time as a student and as an emperor. Perhaps it was due to Byleth’s presence.

Byleth had always showered her with more love than she had expected. She would always sneak away from her own dormitory to sleep with her girlfriend. This was not merely an act of romanticism. This was an act to retain Edelgard’s sanity. This was furthered emphasized when Byleth went missing for five years. Nightmares that were shooed away had returned to haunt her. Lysithea and Caspar were unable to kick them to the curb despite their best efforts. Not even Hubert was able to quell those internal demons. She needed Byleth so badly. Byleth is her anchor. Without an anchor, the ship would float mindlessly from its path.

The emperor kissed the top of her head again. Now it was her turn to care for Byleth.

“Can you tell me… how long you’ve been having these breakdowns?”

“…”

“Are you scared of telling me?”

A hesitant nod. Then, Byleth rose until their face was on an equal level. The moonlight shone over their features, and the professor’s were mixed with fear and shame. Edelgard instantly brought her hand up to cup one side of her face. Her thumb rubbed among the cheekbone as she said,

“Don’t be afraid. Whatever you tell me, I won’t judge you.”

“…promise?”

“I promise.”

She deeply breathed.

“I’ve had them since the war ended. It first started when I was in the infirmary, recovering from my wounds.” Byleth’s lips firmed into a thin line. “I… I remember the way they looked at me.”

“They?”

“Lady Rhea… Flayn… and Seteth.”

Those names… How long has it been since Edelgard last heard of them? Though Flayn and Seteth had escaped from the war, Rhea was long gone. Still, those three played an important part in Byleth’s life. She knew that for sure. Their importance wasn’t subtle anymore the moment Byleth had merged with Sothis in order to combat their adversities. All three of those individuals began to bow down to the professor as if she were a holy being. Their words were articulated with precision in hopes of proving their devotion to her. It was as if Byleth Eisner was the goddess; her humanity long gone after the fusion. Edelgard always found it baffling. Byleth is Byleth. There is nothing different about her, save it for her insane strength growth. Just what made them so keen with her girlfriend?

“They used me.”

Indeed, they did. That was for certain. Sweet nectar stained their statement the moment Jeralt and Byleth stepped foot into Garreg Mach. Soldiers from the monastery were oblivious and blind to the manipulative threads that dangled overhead. Everyone was dancing to the beat of the Church and Those Who Slither in the Dark. The worst one of them all had to be Byleth, an outsider with little knowledge of politics, who was forced to join the mass. Not even Jeralt could save his daughter from their hands.

“I’ve killed so many innocent lives…”

But that was not her fault. She was simply following orders from Rhea during their time at the monastery. The same fault could lie upon her students too. They were the ones who delivered the final blow to every mortal foe that stand against the Church of Seiros. Villagers from various parts of Fodlan begged for forgiveness as Byleth slaughtered every one of them. Their crimes? Abstaining in the religious teachings of the Goddess Seiros. Regret gnawed at the ex-mercenary each time she received praised from Rhea and Seteth.

“Lady Rhea told me I’m her Mother…!” Byleth curled her fingers inward, unintentionally digging her nails into Edelgard’s back. The young lord bit back a yelp as her wife blubbered, “Can you believe that? I’m her Mother! She told me it was destiny— It was my fate that she be my daughter!”

She began to shed another round of tears and bit the bottom of her lip. Memories began to seep into her mind once more as she confessed her terrors. A child of a mother born of the progenitor god’s Crest Stone and a father who carried Rhea’s blood… She was literally related to Rhea, Seteth, and Flayn. She tried to reject the notion. She objected against Rhea of the ridiculous blood connection they had. She fought against the idea that Rhea is her daughter.

Obsession was something Rhea had to cope with her mourning. The lingering desire for a love Rhea desperately seeks for after the death of her mother extended out towards Byleth. Wet sensation overwhelmed her body, the revolting shudders that pulsed throughout her figure, the fingers that dared made her sing broken melodies unfit for the apparent goddess squeezed nausea into Byleth. It was all in the name of forcing the projected image and mentality into her. It was all there to say that Byleth was hers.

“She did so many things to me, I—I don’t know anymore!”

Disgusting.

“She told me I was hers! I was hers alone!”

Absolutely revolting.

“Byleth—”

“El,” Byleth sharply inhaled and eased her bruising hold. The abrupt pacification was alarming. Though her tears were now long gone, her intonation was grave. “I don’t want to be used by her. I’m not her Mother… and I don’t want to be used by anybody anymore… I’m scared of losing myself.”

“Rhea is long gone.” Edelgard kissed her weeping wife’s forehead. “No one will use you ever again. If anyone does, I’ll cut them out before they can do anything to you.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

From Edelgard’s perspective, it was heartbreaking to hear all of this from her professor. She had known about it. She didn’t know the extent of the details, but she knew these experiences were bad. What she did not gauge was how BAD Byleth had it during her time at the monastery. The façade was well-kempt and hid her inner turmoil well. Whenever the topic was brought up, Byleth would brush it aside with an “another time” excuse. When they did have the scarce time to become lethargic, Edelgard would always forget or hold back on the matter, the fear of ruining the positive energy that surrounds their dates.

It was her fault for having it reach to this level. Everyone has the possibility of hiding something behind their smiles. It just so happens that Byleth was one of them. If only she had noticed it earlier… If only she had suspected it sooner… All these times they spent together, Byleth was afraid to succumb to the lowest point of her emotional health before her wife. Edelgard may have recovered and rightfully moved on from her past after a year from the war… but that was not the same for Byleth. Edelgard lowered her hands to her sides.

“I’m sorry it got so bad for you, my teacher… I won’t ever let it happen again.”

“…it’s not your fault.”

“But it is.”

The blanket began to move in place as the Adrestian Empire’s emperor shifted her position. She eventually sat upright and straddled the older female; both of her hands pressed upon Byleth’s abdomen. From all the times they’ve spent together, Byleth knew where this was going. This kicked up the temperature within her head and caused her heart to beat faster— and for a different reason too.

“Please, let me make it up to you.”

“You… don’t have to.”

“I do. The fact that the archbishop dares call you hers infuriates— doesn’t sit right with me. I want you to be mine, and I want to be yours. Besides…” she cupped her chin and hummed. “I heard that sex is a good way to increase one’s mood.”

“?!”

So, it really was going down that route. It had been some time since they’ve last conducted this passionate activity. After all, they were both important individuals leading the united Fodlan and the Adrestian Empire. One acts as a war hero, and one acts as an emperor. Both always ran about their businesses. Various occasions forced them apart from each other. Whenever they had time to spend, they were either too tired or weren’t in the mood. They might as well diagnose themselves with TBD, also known as the “Too Busy Disorder”!

Edelgard blinked a couple of times when Byleth appears thunderstruck.

“…why are you giving me that bizarre look?”

“I’m confused. Who told you that?”

“Dorothea.”

“…”

“Byleth?”

“…”

“…I’m going to kill Dorothea when she returns from Brigid.”

“Please don’t.”

Imaginary fumes puffed out of the noble’s head as beads of sweat flew out of the professor. It was followed up with chuckles and giggles from the pair. The heavy atmosphere that hung over their shoulders began to lighten up. That was the first step towards recovery. Postures still the same, Byleth reached up to pat her wife’s arm. Red discoloration continued to thrive on her cheeks as she murmured,

“I’m yours.”

It may have been soft, but low and urgent. Edelgard felt her core tightened from the intonation. She leaned down and kissed her spouse’s lips. It was brief and simple; an act of consensual agreement for the upcoming event.

“Very well. I’ll make sure to chase your fears away.”

The white-haired fumbled to strip Byleth’s dark shirt. It was a slow and excruciating process as the tactician would lift her upper body every now and then to rid of the attire. Shirt tossed to the side, Byleth urged Edelgard to do the same.

“It would be unfair if it’s just me.”

“Are you sure you aren’t saying that just to see me naked?”

“There’s… that too.”

How bold of Byleth! Then again, wasn’t she always this bold? She had always teased her students of silly remarks. When it came to Edelgard, those teasing were more in line of flirting and outright full of suggestive innuendos.

No— it might have been more so with her underlying desire to indulge in her beautiful wife’s figure. Scars and sutures did not matter to Byleth. She loved Edelgard no matter what she looks like; her love for the lord transcends beyond physical affections and wants. Edelgard heeded to her words and took off her tanktop. It was thrown to the floor without a second thought.

Now, the two bore themselves half-naked to each other. As they were wearing their sleeping attires, there was one less hassle with regards to their bras.

“Breathtaking…” Edelgard commented, her hands sliding up to Byleth’s peaks. “I will never understand how I can make mine as big as yours.”

“Don’t say that. Yours has a charm of its own.”

“Maybe if I drink more milk…”

“El.”

Byleth pulled the young woman down with a single tug on her arms. Their lips crashed together. The way they kissed contrasted greatly from their previous one. Their tongues danced with one another as Byleth held the back of Edelgard’s head. Edelgard whimpered into her mouth the instant Byleth began to sweetly suck on her tongue.

“Mmm…”

In retaliation, when they parted for oxygen, Edelgard leaned forward to litter suckles and kisses onto the woman’s neck. She pushed her hips into Byleth, their neither region softly pulsating from the friction. A quiet groan slipped out of her wife’s mouth. That tickled Edelgard’s raw instincts as she retracted from the abdomen. Then, she pressed against it again. Not too gentle to be considered an annoyance, but not too harsh to elicit a full-blown euphoric trip. Just enough to justify the occasional moans from the older woman. The back and forth motion continued as Edelgard tenderly sucked and nibbled on Byleth’s smooth neck.

“Hah— Y-You’re… good at this as always— Hah…”

She closed her eyes and basked herself in the feeling of Edelgard’s hot mouth. To gain further access, Edelgard pressed her thumbs unto Byleth’s jaw, lifting it up so she could continue to explore the new premise. Byleth shivered from her profound action. The grinding against their private regions wasn’t helping either. She would softly gasp whenever pressure was applied to the soft nub. That turned on Edelgard and encouraged the continuation of her ministrations.

“I’ve learned it— Nngh… from the best teacher.”

“And w-who… who would that be?”

She concluded the hickey spree with one last smooch and raised her head. Sweat began to formulate on their forehead from the ensuing assault as Edelgard smiled. Though she did not offer an answer in return, the teasing question had a predictable response. They knew all too well who it was. In lieu of the lack of verbiage, Edelgard slowed her hips. Byleth had to resist the whine that nearly slipped from her throat.

The white-haired could tell she was frustrated. This was mildly amusing for the noble. How the mighty hero of Fodlan yearns for touches to satisfy her sexual hunger! And Edelgard would be the only person to ever deliver the salivating content to her front door. They exchanged another fleeting kiss, though more so to ease the impatient teacher.

“You’re so cute.”

Their roles were completely reversed in this case. Normally, those were the words whispered into the alumni’s ears while the professor’s fingers were buried deep into Edelgard’s flower. They would thrust in and out of the moist region. Heartful cries were proclaimed to the whole world as the bed creaked and rocked. Tonight, it was different; it was Edegard’s turn to make her wife tremble under her magical spells.

Edelgard proceeded to straighten her back and conduct adjustments to her straddling. Both her hands were kept busy by roaming Byleth’s bare figure. Pleasure zipped like electrical currents through the teal-haired thanks to the sensitive touches of her wife’s fingertips. They brushed, smoothed, and tapped on the elongated scars. Compared to Edelgard, they were not as numerous. Yet they were more haphazard and susceptible to touch.

She traced Byleth’s side.

This blotched scar came from a bandit’s brass knuckles. It derived from protecting Bernadetta. His vicious fist dug so hard into the ex-mercenary’s side, it managed to shatter a small portion of her ribcage. Crimson substances leaked from the corner of her mouth as Dedue and Felix avenged their fallen instructor. A miracle must have been in place to survive the aftermath. Had it not been for Linhardt’s and Marianne’s healing specialties, she would have been long gone.

She traced Byleth’s stomach.

This horizontal scar came from Dimitri. His dagger jammed into the teacher’s already-bruised tissue, breaking through the epidermis and slamming the hilt against it. Tears streamed down his face as he tore through her muscles. Blood splattered among the dirt road with a single flick of his wrist. Hubert and Ferdinand had tag-teamed to exterminate the dangerous noble. This time, Lysithea and Mercedes used plenty of white magic to keep their professor from walking over to the afterlife.

She traced Byleth’s chest.

This burnt scar came from Rhea. It was during the first revolt against the Church of Seiros at Garreg Mach. The archbishop conducted electricity through her open palm. Its incredible voltage charge nearly destroyed the Crest of Flames that kept the tactician conscious after stillbirth. Edelgard and Sylvain went in a frenzied state when the archbishop knocked Byleth into the abyss with another strike of her potent spell. Sothis was likely the one who assisted in the healing process during the five-year coma Byleth succumbed to. Without the female, Byleth would have never woken up from the rubble.

Each of these scars told terrifying tales. Close encounters with deaths were all too common for the students and teachers at the monastery, and their odds increased drastically after the war’s initiation. Edelgard’s scars mostly consist of her surgical implantations, but none ever met drastic battle scars like Byleth; the most she ever had were nicks and small lacerations from arrows and lances. (The army would never let harm fall upon their emperor!) She shook her head and settled her hands onto Byleth’s breasts.

Edelgard’s thumbs glossed over the brown nub, her fingers started to work on the mounds. A gentle squeeze emitted a burst of air from Byleth. She gazed downward and saw the woman furiously blushing from the said-action. The professor raised an arm up to conceal her lower facial features, her navy hues silently staring at her wife. Another squeeze caused a muffle this time. Then, she massaged the pair at a consistent pace. Every now and then, she would pinch the nipples between her thumb and index finger. A pinch would elicit a stronger reaction from the 26-year-old.

“Nngh— Y-You’re getting rough— Hah!”

“You think that’s rough?”

That remark was eventually joined by the returning gyrate of Edelgard’s hips. Byleth’s arm retracted as an uncontrollable moan erupted. A combination of the two activities were driving her insane!

“Hah..! Can you— Can you let me— Haah! Let me take off my pant! P-Please!”

Edelgard nearly laughed. Now her professor was begging for more? This never gets old. She adheres to her request and removed her hands. Another pause took place as they transitioned to the next phase. The blanket over her shoulders threatened to slip off as she yanked on their casual pants. After pulling it off, she tossed it carelessly aside like the other attires. Now it was time to move onto the main course. Edelgard’s predatory eyes darkened. She can’t wait to get her mouth all over Byleth and drive her to the edge of the cliff.

Previous sessions normally had Byleth lead the intercourse. This time, Edelgard took control. It had been so long since she acted as a ruler in their sex life. Another kiss was in a tall order for her lover. Hot bated breaths puffed at their faces upon departure. Edelgard flushed her body with Byleth, the blanket shifted to move alongside with the royal, and planted kisses over every inch of her wife’s alluring body.

“Hah…”

She licked the brown nub.

“Hah—!”

She swirled her tongue around the nub.

“Ha—AAH!”

She bit the nub.

“NNGH—AH!”

She used her teeth to rub the nub.

Byleth’s outcries were escalating in volume. It would be to no one’s surprise if they would earn a few dubious and flustered expression from fellow allies and soldiers. (The worst one of them all would be Hubert. He would hunt after Byleth and skewer her if he could!) But she didn’t care, and she’s certain her wife didn’t care either. Her licks, bites, and roaming hands continued almost as if she were making up the days they hadn’t showered in love. She would occasionally kiss as if to replace the traumatic events with their blissful memories. All in the name of making Byleth forget about those individuals… even if it is a temporary solution.

Edelgard lifted her mouth from Byleth’s breast.

“I’m going to move down,” she said. “Can I?”

“Why are you asking me that?” came a hoarse whisper. “You already know the answer.”

“Just making sure, my teacher. Can’t forget about consent, can we?”

The teal-haired would have playfully knocked on the female’s shoulder had they not been in the middle of having sex. Edelgard was always the careful one in the relationship.

“A-Ah…”

It felt good. Way too good. Byleth’s consciousness was starting to float into Cloud Nine as Edelgard made her way slowly down the writhing body. Pauses were made to plant fluttering kisses and strokes on the curves of Byleth’s belly, her hipbones, and silken skin on the inside of her thighs. Whatever negativity that strangled the professor had dissipated completely. Her body was engulfed in a fiery need of quenching as her walls were slick with arousal. Now all she could focus on was the pleasure.

“AH?!”

She unconsciously pressed her hips into Edelgard’s first stroke of her tongue. Byleth knew Edelgard was eventually going to descend to her neither region, but it had been so long since she had someone relieve her of the pent-up tension through oral means.

“Nngh—!”

God, it felt so GOOD. The strokes from her tongue were slow and steady, yet it managed to drag out the best sensation. Up and down her tongue went, Edelgard tasted as much as she could from the blossoming pink region. Byleth groaned and shuddered when her spouse tried to keep her thighs apart.

“A-AH! E-El—!!”

Byleth bucked from the powerful sensation. Her clitoris— Her clitoris! Edelgard became drunk from its scent as her mouth worked wonders upon the sensitive head and greedy lips. Had it not been for Edelgard’s strong arms keeping her hips down, she would have tossed the other female out of the mattress by accident! A faint grunt came from the busy white-haired. Enough blood had pooled into Byleth’s abdomen to cause a feminine erection of the pink nub.

“I’m not holding back.”

“Hnngh?!”

An index finger greeted the entranceway in the midst of her lavishing. First, its fingertip lightly brushed upon its surface. Vertical strokes croaked immodest sounds from the older woman. Eventually, the lord dug not one, but two fingers into the wet region.

“D-Deep!”

That was the remark after Edelgard wiggled the two body parts into her body. It was a foreign sensation for Byleth since someone other than herself is feeling the inner walls. They naturally clenched around the slender fingers. Its squeeze and release intervals were synched with her core’s reactions. Byleth’s hands immediately flung to the bedsheets. She trembled when Edelgard curled her fingers.

“AH! That— Hnngh!”

Words were discombobulated; sentence structures fractured. The state of her verbal speech was similar to the state of her mind. They were clearly in another plane of existence. Byleth lifted her head as her hips moved on its own.

SLICK, SLICK, SLICK

The sound effects were not helping. In this dead night, the steamy room amplified the wet motion coming from Edelgard’s fingers. Paired with their fast, hot breaths, bliss clouded their mentality and overwhelmed their hearing.

“S—So good— Haaaah!”

Byleth wasn’t the only one to be pleasured. Edelgard felt herself become wet; wanton desires starting to override her sense of self. Unlike Byleth, she had close to zero self-restraint when it came to achieving the climactic finale.

Thank goodness multi-tasking was her forte. A quick prayer to a godless entity sprung forth as she removed her remaining hand on Byleth’s thigh. It went down to her dripping nether region. She grimaced in Byleth’s hypersensitive labia, her fingers making quick work of her own clitoris. If there’s something she wanted to do, it was to be shoved off the edge alongside with her teacher.

“Nngh...!”

“E-El!”

A glance at her spouse drastically sky-rocketed the pleasure by tenfold. Byleth squeezed her eyes shut and found it impossible to remove the burnt image of Edelgard masturbating during their hot intercourse.

“I— Something… it’s coming— AH!”

The way the teal-haired’s face twisted… her looks were becoming desperate as Edelgard relentless tortured her with the thrust of her fingers and flick of her tongue on the clit. She was occupied with three matters at once, but Edelgard had always kept her lilac hues pointed at her significant other. There was so much to take in. She had to record them and burn them to memory. The amount of beauty that glistened from her wife… A dictionary would not be able to fully convey the radiant perfection of a being that is called “Byleth.”

Another groan burst from Edelgard, her fingers rushing to the finish line. The intensity was burning into her core and gathered enough aroused energy to strongly throb her rubbed nub.

“El… EL!”

“Byleth—!”

She was close, and so was Byleth. In an effort, to reach the mountain’s peak, Edelgard pulled back her fingers. They were pulled enough just enough to leave the remaining tips inside of the pulsating walls. A few rough rubs on the outer flesh were made. Then, she slammed it right back inside, curving at the most sensitive and erogenous area of the vagina: the G-spot. This was immediately followed up with her lips closing around the clitoris and sucking hard on it.

“A-AH—!!!”

“!!!”

Byleth’s muscles began to jerk, her figure stiffened, and her knuckles white as a huge explosion implored upon her body. As for Edelgard, she felt her body quiver from a sudden flow of euphoria throughout her figure. She retracted from her own area. Yet it wasn’t over for her teacher. She made sure to drag out Byleth’s climatic experience for as long as humanly possible, her tongue taking in the fluids, licking the moist premise, and swiftly rocking her curved fingers in and out.

“W—Why is it—! No— It’s coming again— NNNNGH!”

Right when she came down from her high, her professor bounced right back up to another orgasm. Though it was not as powerful as the first one, it still sent her spiraling upward to the clouds once more, pleasure rippling through her body until it faded into nothingness.

Their figures finally plopped back down on the mattress. A whimper came from Byleth’s direction once Edelgard removed her soaked fingers. All forms of heat excluding her spouse’s body evaporated instantly; the drug they undertook began to wear off. Now, they were basked with pleasant aftermath. Eyelids half-closed and head fuzzy, Byleth arms were extended outward on the bed to stare at the noble.

Edelgard crawled up as the blanket (with great wonder) continued to cling onto her shoulders. Upper body raised in a cobra position, not long afterward, she inserted the wet fingers into her mouth. Byleth’s eyes widened at the sight.

“T-That’s dirty!”

“Not if it’s from you,” she smirked. “You’re always a dessert I never tire from.”

“…”

Geez, when did Edelgard learn how to talk like that? Did she learn it from Dorothea…? No, it had to be Sylvain, right? No… that can’t be it… Just who and/or where did she learn that from? (Silly Byleth, it was from you!) The professor’s features became bright red, an embarrassed chuckle heard.

“I… I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t need to say anything, my dear teacher.” She leaned down to tenderly kiss Byleth. Strands of her white locks fell upon Byleth’s rising chest as she proclaimed, “I will always be yours, and I won’t let anyone ever take that away.”

“El…”

That’s right… Though her PTSD is not easy to overcome, she must remember that she has Edelgard von Hresvelg. The woman whom she first protected, the woman whom she first taught, the woman whom she opened up to, the woman who became her wife. Past trauma may be ebbed into her history book, but the future can be built on top of them.

Their fingers intertwined. Then, Byleth closed her eyes and beamed.

“I will always be yours too.”

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