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cocobeanncteez · 3 years

Text

ATEEZ San- Back to you (oneshot)

Genre: angst, fluff, suggestive, university au.

Pairing: badboy!San x reader (fem)

Word Count: 7.3K

Warnings: profanities, alcohol consumption, smoking, mentions of bullying and cheating, drink spiking, and attempted sexual assault.

Except Ateez, all other names are fictional.

"I don't understand how these stupid people party here when we've got exams in two weeks," your bestfriend, Doyeon, muttered under her breath while scribbling down some notes. You both were at a café in your university, studying for the upcoming exams.

You chuckled, glancing up at her from your notebook. "Your boyfriend is one of those stupid people who are partying right now."

She rolled her eyes. "Believe me, I want to smack Yunho with this," she held up her notebook, making you snort. "I'm surprised you don't get frustrated when San is literally doing the same thing."

"Well, it's his life," you said. "I'm not his parent who can nag at him to study."

San and you have been dating for a little over eight months now; other than Doyeon and San's friends, no one else knew about your relationship. Doyeon and Yunho were also dating for a while now. You both didn't really know why the boys didn't want other people to know about your relationship, but you both just went with the flow despite witnessing girls throwing themselves at them everyday. Doyeon was really calm about the whole situation, but you actually weren't even though you never let it show; you were quite worried about San leaving you for other women who were like him. You never understood why he's dating someone like you: the type who rarely parties, rarely drinks, never smokes, decently studies and gets good grades, never gets involved in fights; the opposite of him, basically.

Doyeon was about to say something, but your conversation was interrupted by someone who suddenly sat beside you in your booth, placing a textbook on the table. "Don't mind me, ladies," one of your university's badboys, Kangmin, said. "There was no place to sit, so here I am."

Ji Kangmin was handsome, and a typical badboy from what you've heard. You didn't really know much about him personally, but you knew his friend group and your boyfriend's group were rivals and often got into fights.

"I'm surprised you're here," Doyeon stated, raising an eyebrow. "Shouldn't you be at some party?"

"I don't party when exams are near," he said with a small smile. "I know I don't have a good reputation, but unlike other people here who have the same reputation as me, I actually want to score well and decently graduate." You were stunned, not expecting to hear that from someone like him. Well, maybe all badboys aren't the same.

"Babe!" San whined sleepily when you pulled his blanket off his body. "God, my head fucking hurts."

"Serves you right for drinking all night," you said, running a hand through his messy black hair.

"But the party was epic," he mumbled, eyes closing at the way you played with his hair.

After a few minutes, San took some painkillers and got up to take a shower. When he finished, he immediately pulled you into a hug. "I missed you," he said, burying his face in the crook of your neck.

You chuckled. "You saw me yesterday morning."

"But that was in class," he murmured, placing soft kisses on your neck, making your heart race. "I didn't get to talk to you."

"Then maybe you should start talking to me in class," you said and immediately regretted it when you felt San tense up.

San moved a step back to look at you. "Babe, you know I can't do that," he stated. "I don't want people to know about us or start—"

"Yeah, I know," you cut him off with a small smile, hiding your disappointment. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

"It's fine," he said, kissing your forehead. "Let's go have breakfast, yeah?"

"Um, actually, I have to go back to my dorm," you said, making San frown and ask why. "I've got a study session with Doyeon," you lied; you just didn't feel like being here at the moment.

San sighed, cupping your cheeks. "Babe, you study so much. These exams don't matter much."

Your eyebrows furrowed. "San, these are end of the first semester exams. They're extremely important."

San didn't say anything; he only leaned down to capture your lips with his own. "Stay for a little while, please," he murmured against your lips. Before you could protest, he kissed you again, this time more passionately. He gently pushed you onto his bed, hovering above you before reconnecting your lips. Your hands wrapped around his neck, playing with the hair at his nape. One of San's hands slipped under your blouse, moving to cup your breast, giving it a squeeze. You gasped due to his actions and he took the opportunity to slide his tongue into your mouth, deepening the kiss. Your phone began ringing but both of you ignored it. You were getting wetter by the second and you could feel San's growing bulge pressing against you. When your phone rang for the fourth time, San pulled away with an annoyed sigh. You chuckled, getting up from his bed to get your phone from your bag.

"Hello?" you answered.

"Where are you?! Class is gonna start in ten minutes!" Doyeon exclaimed.

"What? What class? All our classes were canceled for today."

"Mr. Byun said he's gonna take class today. Didn't you check your email?"

"Fuck. I'll be there in five." You hung up and quickly checked your reflection in San's mirror, reapplying your lip balm and tying your hair into a ponytail. San's eyes were on you the entire time.

"Are you ditching your lovely boyfriend for a class?" San asked with a pout. "Especially when you made him get all hard?"

"Yes," you replied with a small giggle. "I'll make it up to you when I'm done, I promise." you placed a quick kiss on his lips before rushing to your dorm to collect your stuff.

"Can I sit here?" you heard someone ask, making you look up from your notebook. Ji Kangmin was giving you a small smirk. "Seats are full."

"Go ahead," you said, returning your attention back onto your books. Fortunately, Kangmin studied quietly, not disturbing you even once.

"Why is this so hard?" you muttered under your breath, eyebrows furrowing in irritation due to the differentiation problem you've been breaking your head for.

"Need help?" Kangmin asked.

"Are you good at calculus?"

He snorted, showing you the cover of his textbook. "I'm a math major, darling." Your eyes widened, not expecting that at all. "I thought you knew but you clearly don't," he said with a chuckle. "But I know you're a computer science major." He reached for your notebook, scanning through what you've written. "Ah, so this is where you went wrong," he murmured before explaining everything to you.

After a good three hours of studying, you got up and stretched your arms. Kangmin helped you with a few sums and told you many tricks and tips to save time and make the problems easier to solve. He walked with you to your dorm building since his was right opposite yours. You caught a few people staring at the two of you, but you brushed it off; Kangmin was popular, so obviously they would stare. You had to admit, it felt quite weird to see people staring at you. You were sure they all would react the same way if you were with San.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Kangmin grinned, running his hand through his brown hair. You nodded with a smile before entering your dorm building.

You spent the entire week studying with Kangmin and sometimes Doyeon joined the two of you. You were really anxious about the exams, but Kangmin managed to make you calm down a little; you were really grateful for his company.

"So Jihoon asked me out and I said yes!" Hyewon said, making you and Doyeon squeal.

"Girl! I told you this day would come!" Doyeon exclaimed, making Hyewon blush. You and Doyeon teased her for blushing, laughing at how her cheeks got even pinker.

San secretly glanced at you from across the classroom, smiling at the sight of you laughing; he thought you were absolutely beautiful.

"What's he doing here?" Jongho muttered, making San and Mingi follow his line of sight.

"Probably here to find someone to fuck," Mingi said in an unbothered tone.

San focused his attention back on you until that very person tapped your shoulder. "Why the fuck is he talking to my girl?!"

You turned to look at the person who tapped your shoulder. "Oh, hey, Kangmin! What are you doing here?" you asked.

He pulled a notebook from his bag, handing it over to you. "I accidentally took your notebook yesterday, so I came to return it," he said. "Sorry about that."

"Oh no, it's okay, don't worry about it," you smiled. He was about to say something, but your professor arrived, so he had to leave and go to his own class.

After the lecture ended, you had lunch with Doyeon, Hyewon, and Jihoon at your dorm's dining hall. You couldn't help but gush about how great Hyewon and Jihoon's chemistry was; they were the cutest couple you have ever seen.

Your phone rang and you picked it up as it was San. "Hello?"

"Where are you?" San asked, sounding a little annoyed.

"At my dorm's dining hall," you replied. "Why?"

"Come to your room right now," he said and hung up before you could say anything. You quickly had the last few bites of your food before excusing yourself, telling your friends you had some work to do.

You made your way over to your room, spotting San right outside your door, wearing a blue hoodie with the hood up and a black mask. You unlocked your door with your key-card, feeling a little anxious due the serious look in your boyfriend's eyes. He closed the door before moving to sit on your bed.

"Sannie, what's wrong?" you asked, moving to stand in front of him. He stared up at you, staying silent for a while before he took off his mask, tossing it on your desk.

"Why did Ji Kangmin talk to you today?"

"He accidentally took my notebook yesterday so he came to return it," you answered honestly.

San raised an eyebrow. "Yesterday? Why were you with him yesterday?" he asked in a stern tone.

"We were studying. He was helping me with calculus."

San scoffed, getting off your bed. "I'm sure that's not what his true intentions are. Stay away from him." San's words annoyed you.

"And how do you know what his true intentions are?" you asked. "We were literally just studying, that's all."

"I don't fucking like him, Y/N. He isn't a good person and I don't want him anywhere near you. So please just stay away from him."

You sighed, glancing at the tiny cat tattoo on San's finger. "Fine..."

San gently cupped your cheek, making you look at him. He didn't like how disappointed you looked and he couldn't help but think about Kangmin stealing you away from him. "Baby... please trust me, he's just trying to get into your pants." You wanted to tell him that all those girls who flirt with him wanted the same, but you knew he already knew that and he liked the attention he got.

"Okay..." You moved away from him, picking up your textbook from your desk and placing it on your bed. "Do you wanna study with me?" you asked San.

"Nah, I'm not in the mood to study."

"You never are," you snorted, earning a wink from him.

"You study, I'll just take a nap here beside you," he said, placing a kiss on your forehead, lying down on your bed.

"Don't try anything, San," you warned him, lying down beside him. He chuckled, placing an arm around your waist, pulling you closer to his body.

San fell asleep while you studied. When you took a small break, you couldn't help but admire your sleeping boyfriend; he looked so angelic... ethereal, even. You placed a light kiss on his cheek before slowly getting off the bed to go to the bathroom.

When you came back, San was awake. "How long did I sleep?" he asked in a raspy voice.

"Almost two hours," you said, returning to your bed.

"Oh... oh crap! I should get ready. I've got a party to go to tonight," he said, stretching his arms. "Do you wanna come?"

You raised an eyebrow. "You already know my answer to that."

He chuckled, kissing your head. "Have fun studying, babe."

---

"Finally!" Doyeon yelled in happiness. "We're finally done after two weeks of torture!"

"Thank god we have an entire week off," you said, gently massaging your aching wrist.

"These exams were way harder than I expected," Hyewon said and you agreed. "You both are coming for Kang Hyunsuk's party tonight, right?"

"Of course! It's in a huge mansion, you know? Besides, I need to get drunk and laid in luxury," Doyeon said, making you and Hyewon laugh.

You quickly got ready at Doyeon's dorm in the evening before taking a cab to Kang Hyunsuk's mansion that was fortunately not too far away.

The mansion was decorated with LED lights inside and out. The large hall was converted into a dance floor and he even hired a DJ. You were sure more than half of the students at your college was here, and there were certainly a lot of people from the neighboring colleges as well.

Doyeon grabbed your hand, pulling you to the large kitchen where the drinks and snacks were. You both took two shots of vodka each before you greeted some of your classmates. Doyeon was already really tipsy due to her poor alcohol tolerance. On the other hand, you took another shot and you were still quite sober.

"Wow, Y/N, you look so hot!" Hyewon said, approaching you with Jihoon.

You were wearing a lacy dusty-rose bralette with black ripped jeans and combat boots. The bralette showed off more cleavage than you'd usually show, but you were feeling a little extra today.

You noticed Yunho approaching the kitchen with Seonghwa and Hongjoong, his eyes scanning Doyeon from head to toe. You nudged Doyeon with your elbow, gesturing to Yunho with your eyes. She glanced around, eyes landing on Yunho who gave her a smirk. She smiled at him before moving towards him. She whispered something in his ears, making him drag her away immediately. You weren't expecting your bestfriend to ditch you this early, but oh well.

"Hey Y/N," Seonghwa greeted you. "Have you seen San or Jongho?"

"Nope, I came to the kitchen as soon as I got here," you replied, pouring yourself another shot.

"Ah, all right." Seonghwa and Hongjoong took a drink before they disappeared into the crowd.

One of your friends dragged you outside to the area beside the swimming pool; she wanted to introduce you to some people from another university. You spotted San, Jongho, Wooyoung, Mingi, and Yeosang on the other of the pool, surrounded by girls as usual. There were a few guys there and they were all playing a game of spin the bottle. There was a girl sitting on your boyfriend's lap, and that annoyed you a lot. You couldn't do anything about it since San didn't want anyone to know about your relationship. When you got to see the girl's face, your eyes widened; it was your ex-bestfriend, Park Hyejoo. You scoffed in disbelief; San knew who she was and what she did to you in high school, yet he let her sit on his lap. You tried not to pay attention to them by focusing on the conversation your friend was having with the people she had introduced you to. It somewhat worked... until you heard cheers and whistles which caught everyone's attention.

Hyejoo's face was buried in San's neck, no doubt giving him a hickey. He wasn't even pushing her away. You felt your eyes tear up, but you blinked it away. You couldn't look away until she pulled away. And then she kissed him, causing you to gasp.

"Why are you so surprised?" your drunk friend asked you. "She fucks around as much as Choi San does. I even heard they're fuck buddies."

San pulled away from Hyejoo, but he only smirked at her, making no effort to push her off his lap. Yeosang—who was sitting beside San—noticed you watching, and he immediately elbowed San. "You fucked up big time, bro," Yeosang murmured in his ear.

"What do you mean?" San asked.

"Y/N's over there. She saw everything."

San glanced around until his eyes found your disappointed and sad ones. He wasn't even expecting you to attend the party. He scanned you from head to toe, eyes darkening due to the way you looked in that outfit.

"You dumb fuck," Yeosang muttered, low enough for only San to hear. "Are you seriously eye-fucking her right now? Put your damn reputation aside and go talk to her before you fuck shit up more, idiot!"

San excused himself, pushing your ex-bestfriend off his lap, making his way over to you. But of course, he couldn't be seen with you, so he just gestured with his head for you to follow him. Even though you were so upset, you followed him a few seconds later. He stopped at the garden where there was no one; you could still hear the blasting music from here.

San was dressed in all black and he looked absolutely irresistible. You would've asked him to fuck you right here against the wall, but you were damn pissed at the moment.

"Damn, babe," he said, lips pulling into a smirk. "My girl's looking so hot." He reached out to pull you into his arms, but you took a step back. San frowned. "Babe..."

"You knew what Hyejoo did to me," you said with a bitter chuckle. "And you let her sit on your lap." You pointed at the hickey on his neck. "You let her do that to you despite the fact that you have a girlfriend, who is in fact, standing right in front of you!" You would never lash out like this if it wasn't for the alcohol in your system. Hyejoo bullied you a lot in high school to the point where you had to change schools. San knew every little detail of what Hyejoo did, and you remembered how angry he was when you told him about it.

"Babe, calm down, please," San said softly.

"Calm down? You want me to calm down?! That fucking bitch was sitting on your fucking lap the entire time and she gave you a damn hickey! You didn't even stop her!"

"It was just a dare and—"

You scoffed. "And what about the kiss?"

"She kissed me. I didn't kiss back, I swear!"

"And you made no effort to push her off your damn lap even after that, right?"

San sighed; he really didn't want to fight with you right now. "I think you're overreacting, Y/N. Like I said, it was only a dare."

"Yeah, how about I go sit on another man's lap and suck his neck, hmm? I fucking bet you would love that," you chuckled bitterly. San clenched his jaw at your words; if that were to ever happen, he wouldn't hesitate to punch that guy.

"That's not going to happen," he placed his hands on your bare waist, pulling you against his body. "Let's not fight, okay?" he murmured, kissing your head.

You moved away from him, eyeing the hickey on his neck with disgust. "Fuck off, San," you mumbled. "I need a damn drink." Before San could could say anything, you made your way to the table of drinks beside the pool. You quickly downed three shots, eyes closing at the way the liquid burned your throat.

"Woah, woah, slow down there. You'll choke," you heard someone say from behind you.

"Who gives a fuck?" you muttered.

"Well, I certainly do, darling," Kangmin said, moving to stand in front of you. "You look really nice, even though you look like you could murder someone right now."

You glanced at San who returned back to where he was sitting before. Hyejoo started clinging to him, and he made no effort to do anything about it again. You rolled your eyes, not even surprised that your words went into San's ears and left just as fast. "Believe me, I want to," you said, feeling the alcohol starting to hit you harder.

"I don't know who pissed you off, but loosen up, yeah?" Kangmin said, pouring himself a drink. You noticed the tattoos all over his arms, one of them catching your eye. You grabbed his arm, trying to get a better look. "It's a... squirting dick?" you tried to control yourself from laughing.

"My friend's a tattoo artist and he tattooed it on me without telling me," he said with a chuckle.

"I want one too," you whined. "I want one now."

"What? A squirting dick?"

You lightly punched his bicep, swaying a little due to the effect of the alcohol in your system. "No, a good tattoo!"

"You're drunk right now, darling," he chuckled. "It's never a good idea to get a tattoo when you're drunk, trust me."

You pouted. "But I want a tattoo."

He placed his cup on the table and moved his hands to cup your cheeks. "I promise I'll take you to get a tattoo this week, okay? Now, let's go dance, hmm?" You nodded, letting him drag you inside to the dance floor.

San saw everything and his hands clenched into fists. He was so tempted to punch Kangmin and yell at him to stay away from you, but he couldn't risk his reputation like that; he didn't want anyone to know about your relationship no matter what. San went to where you were standing before, taking a tequila shot while he wondered what to do.

"Ji Kangmin and Y/N? Damn!" San overheard someone say.

"I didn't expect him to make a move on her," the other person said. "She's a goody two shoes and he's far from that."

"Kangmin likes women like that actually," the first person said. "And Y/N is very pretty. I'm not very surprised that he went for her."

"Hmm. They do look great together. He seems to like her a lot, no? I saw him walk her to her dorm last week." San's jaw clenched and he quickly made his way inside, searching for you. The dance floor was so crowded, he couldn't even get a glimpse of you anywhere. He tried calling you, but you didn't pick up. He tried calling Doyeon, but she didn't pick up as well.

"Fucking hell," he muttered under his breath, moving through tons of drunk, sweaty people, trying to find you.

After nearly fifteen minutes, he found you sitting alone on of the sofas, head resting on the armrest. "Y/N!"

"Kangmin...?" you lifted your head. "Oh, it's you."

"We're leaving," San said, grabbing your hand.

"No, f-fuck you," you hiccupped. "Go fuck off to Hyejoo." San ignored your words, taking his phone out to book a cab to his apartment. He helped you stand up and pulled you along with him. You wanted to protest, but your body was aching and you really just wanted to sleep.

You fell asleep on San's shoulder in the cab. He carried you bridal style and unlocked his door with the passcode, moving to his bedroom. He gently placed you on the bed and removed your boots. You opened your eyes due to the movement, feeling quite sick. "San..." you murmured. "I think I'm gonna throw up." San quickly lifted you up and took you to the bathroom, holding your hair back while you threw up in his toilet. He gently rubbed your back until you were done.

You brushed your teeth with the toothbrush you kept at San's place, and you took a quick hot shower, sobering a little. San gave you one of his t-shirts to wear and he dried your hair for you.

As soon as your head landed on the pillow, you fell asleep.

When you woke up, your head was pounding terribly. You slowly opened your eyes, immediately recognizing that you were in San's apartment; you couldn't remember much of what happened last night. You moved to his bathroom to take a painkiller and finish your morning routine. After you took a shower, you wore one of his black hoodies with one of your shorts that you usually kept at his place.

You felt a pair of muscly arms wrap around you. "You look so good in my clothes," San murmured, placing a kiss on your head. You turned around in his arms, titling your head back to look at him. You were about to wrap your arms around his neck, but your eyes landed on the hickey on his neck, reminding you of the events that happened last night, making you immediately pull yourself away from his embrace.

San frowned. "Babe—"

"San," you start. "Is your reputation that important that you can't even push another girl away when she's throwing herself at you? Especially when you know just how terrible that girl is?" you asked.

San took your hands in his. "Y/N, I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have let—"

"But you still did," you argued. "Why don't you want to tell people about us, San? Is it because I'm not like you or your friends? Do you think I'm not attractive enough to be next to you?" He didn't say anything. "I feel like you're just using me," you continued, remembering the amount of times you've heard people say San only screws around. "Do you even love me?" The last question made San freeze. You had fallen in love with San months ago, but he didn't know and probably wouldn't have even noticed.

You waited for him to say something, but he only kept quiet, eyes fixated to the floor. "San, I think we should just," you gulped, eyes tearing up again. "We should b-break up. I really can't tolerate this anymore..." Your words felt like knifes were constantly slicing his heart. "Don't you have anything to say?" you asked, hoping he would fight for you or convince you that continuing this relationship is worth it. You wished he would change.

"How can I when you've already made up your mind?" San murmured, avoiding your eyes. "If you think breaking up is what's best then okay..." he wanted to say much more. He wanted to beg you to not leave him. He wanted to tell you just how much he loved you. But he couldn't. Even if he tried, he just couldn't.

"I'll collect my stuff from here tomorrow," you mumbled, putting your boots on. San could only nod as he watched you.

Before you could leave, San stopped you. "I... I just wanted to ask you... if you ever," he took a deep breath. "If you ever loved me."

You smiled sadly. "It doesn't matter," you whispered, but it was loud enough for him to hear you. "Take care, San," you mumbled before walking out the door, shattering his heart.

"You fucked up even more," Yeosang said, watching San smoke a cigarette.

"That's very helpful. Makes me feel great," San stated sarcastically, blowing the smoke to the air.

"No offense, Sannie, but I agree with Yeosang," Hongjoong said. "You should've told her how you felt instead of keeping quiet."

"I know," San sighed. "But she already made up her mind."

"Dude, you're really dense," Wooyoung stated. "She asked you if you had something to say. That translates to 'fight for me.' I don't think you've noticed, but Y/N is definitely in love with you."

San's head shot up. "She wouldn't have broken up with me if she really loved me, Woo."

Seonghwa groaned in frustration. "If I was in Y/N's place, I would dump your stupid ass too."

"Agreed," Yeosang said. "I told you before, San, your reputation is going to fuck up everything. You need to let go of your past as well before it's too late."

"Ji Kangmin's got his eyes on her," Mingi stated. "I heard his friends talking about it."

"Yeah, I heard that too. Y/N is close to him," Jongho added.

San rolled his eyes, taking a drag from the cigarette. "He has nothing else to do other than stealing the girls I like."

"Exactly, and you're letting him do it again," Yunho said, taking the cigarette away from San and crushing it with his shoes. "You have to make a decision Sannie. Either you sort things out with Y/N, or you lose the woman you love to that very bastard again."

---

"So you had the hots for Y/N, huh?" Kangmin asked San while he waited in line to order his drink.

"That's none of your business," San said in a cold tone to his ex-bestfriend.

"I saw you talking to her privately that day," he said, referring to the party you attended almost two weeks ago. San ignored his words. "I don't know what was going on between the two of you," Kangmin continued. "But whatever it was, I'm glad it didn't last long. I want to make her mine."

San scoffed. "You just want to get into her pants."

Kangmin snorted. "Obviously. But after spending two weeks with her, without you around, I'm quite interested. Y/N is gorgeous and has a great personality. She's a rare gem, you know? I bet she'd be just as wonderful in bed and tastes as sweet as she loo—"

San took a step towards Kangmin, grabbing the collar of his shirt. "If you don't shut the fuck up, I'll break your damn face!" San warned.

"Ohhh, I'm so scared," he teased, pushing San away. "Fuck off, Choi San. Someone like Y/N doesn't deserve a bastard like you. You weren't and will never be good enough for her." San chose to ignore him, not wanting to cause a big scene at the café. Kangmin's words stabbed him in the heart. San always thought he wasn't good enough for you, but he never expected to hear anyone say it out loud.

Kangmin's phone started ringing and he couldn't help the smirk that formed on his face. "Hey, gorgeous," he answered, loud and clear. "I'm at the café near your building, getting you your favorite drink and some cupcakes. I'll pick you up from class."

"That won't be necessary," you replied, pushing the door of the café to enter. You instantly spotted Kangmin and made your way towards him, unaware of San who was standing right behind him. "Hi!" you said to Kangmin who hung up once he saw you.

"Hey, beautiful! How was class?" he asked, secretly glancing at San; you still hadn't noticed San as your back was facing him.

"Ugh, tiring. I hate extra classes. I couldn't understand any—" your phone started ringing, interrupting your sentence. You answered the call as it was from your bestfriend.

"Where are you?" Doyeon asked.

"At the café near our dorm," you replied.

"Come over fast, we have to get ready for Hyewon's party. She wants us to come early cause she needs help."

"I'll be there in a bit."

"I didn't expect any of them to be here," you said to Doyeon while drinking some whiskey and coke from a red cup, watching your ex-boyfriend converse with his infamous group of friends; they usually went clubbing on Saturday nights. "Aren't you gonna go over to Yunho?"

"I don't wanna ditch you," she answered. You gently pushed her in Yunho's direction.

"Go, I'll be fine."

Before she could reply, Kangmin wrapped his arms around you, startling you a little. Doyeon gave you a wink before making her way towards her boyfriend, leaving you with Kangmin.

"Can we talk?" he whispered in your ear, making sure to move closer to your body once he noticed San watching. You nodded, letting him pull you upstairs. You had gotten quite close to Kangmin these last two weeks; you were really glad to have a friend like him. He distracted you from the pain you felt from not being with San anymore.

Kangmin gently pushed against the wall, trapping you between his arms. You gasped. "What are you doing?"

"I like you, Y/N," he confessed with a smile. "I wanna date you." Before you could say anything, he kissed you. You were a little too shocked, so you let him kiss you for a few seconds. When you regained your senses, you pushed him away. He stared at you, confused by your actions.

"Kangmin, I'm sorry, but I don't feel the same way..."

Kangmin rolled his eyes. "It's cause of Choi San, isn't it?"

"No," you lied. Of course it's cause of San. You were still in love with him. You didn't want to date anyone until you got over him. "I only see us as friends, Kangmin," you stated honestly. "You're a really good friend and I don't want to lose you."

Kangmin sighed. "Okay, let's just forget about this. Let's have a drink, hmm?" You nodded, following him downstairs to the kitchen.

You were talking to one of your friends while Kangmin got a drink for you.

"Thanks," you said, taking the cup from him. You took a sip of your drink. It tasted a little salty, but you didn't mind. You felt yourself relaxing a little while you nodded your head to the music. By the time you finished your drink, you felt pretty lightheaded. You clinged to Kangmin's arm. "Hey, could you take me to the couch?" you requested, words slurred. "I don't feel very good..."

"Of course," Kangmin lifted you into his arms, bridal style. He carried you upstairs into one of the rooms, shutting the door behind him with his foot. He placed you on the bed. "You don't know how long I've waited for this," he said, licking his lips while he took your crop-top off. You didn't know what was happening and your vision was really blurry. Kangmin pushed you onto your back before hovering above you. The sudden movement made your head spin even more, causing you to pass out. "Oh, too bad she couldn't stay conscious for this..." he murmured to himself. He ran his hands up from your jean-clad legs to the soft skin of your abdomen before reaching behind your body to unclasp your bra. Before he could pull the piece of clothing away from your body, the door swung open.

"You fucking bastard!" San yelled, pushing Kangmin off of you. Jongho and Hongjoong were right behind San.

"What the fuck, dude?!" Kangmin yelled. "Get out! Can't you see we're busy?!" His words pissed Jongho off. He immediately grabbed Kangmin by the collar and punched him twice in the nose. Kangmin fell to the floor, holding his broken, bloody nose in pain. Jongho wanted to punch him one more time, but Hongjoong held him back. "Don't. You'll end up killing him."

San started crying when he saw your passed out form; he couldn't even think about what would've happened if his friends didn't overhear Kangmin's friends talking about him spiking your drink. San clasped your bra back and put your crop-top on you before he lifted you into his arms. "I'm taking her to my apartment," he said to his friends.

"I'll drive you," Hongjoong offered.

When you woke up, you immediately recognized your surroundings. You had absolutely no idea of how you ended up in your ex-boyfriend's bedroom.

Your head was pounding and you wondered what time it was as it was really sunny outside. Before you could get off San's bed, he entered the room.

"You're awake," he said softly, relief clear in his eyes. "Take a shower and come eat. You must be really hungry."

"What happened? What's the time right now?" you questioned, your heart racing at the mere sight of him in a lilac hoodie and black sweatpants.

"I'll tell you after you eat," he said with a smile that didn't reach his eyes. "It's three in the afternoon. Doyeon got some clothes for you. There's a spare toothbrush in the bathroom."

"Thanks," you mumbled, getting up to go to the bathroom.

After you took a shower, you made your way to San's kitchen. You took a seat at the dining table, looking at all the different dishes on the table.

"You made all this?"

San shook his head. "I wasn't able to cook today. Wooyoung and Seonghwa made it. They left a few minutes ago." You noticed how tensed and sad he was; you wanted to ask him what was bothering him, but you knew he wouldn't answer your question until you ate.

You both ate in a comfortable silence. You tried to recall the events from last night, but you weren't able to. You frowned, wondering if you really drank that much.

"Are you all right, San?" you asked, settling on his couch after you both finished eating.

He took a deep breath and you noticed the slight dark circles beneath his eyes. "Can I hug y-you?" he asked, voice cracking while his eyes teared up.

You immediately scooted closer to him on the couch, wrapping your arms around him. He buried his face in the crook of your neck while he held you tightly. His body shook convulsively while he cried, his tears wetting your neck. You ran a hand through his soft hair, knowing it would help calm him down a little.

San pulled away from you, wiping his tears with the sleeve of his lilac hoodie. "I'm sorry..."

You grabbed his hand, intertwining it with yours. "What happened, Sannie?"

Hearing you call him by his nickname brought another set of fresh tears to his eyes. Your other hand reached up to wipe his tears away.

"I love you, Y/N," he confessed, more tears rolling down his cheeks. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you that before. I'm so sorry for being a jerk to you and prioritizing my reputation. I fucked up and I regret it so much." You took a deep breath, trying to control your rapid heartbeat while you listened to every word he said. "I felt like dying after what happened last night. I'm so sorry, this is all my fault," he sobbed.

Your eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "What happened last night?"

"O-Oh you don't remember...?" You shook your head. San cleared his throat, trying his best to not to break down again. "Wooyoung and Hongjoong overhead Ji Kangmin's friends say that he spiked your drink after you rejected him." you froze in shock. "They immediately told us about it, and me, Hongjoong, and Jongho rushed over to you. You weren't conscious when we found you. Your top was off and he was about to take your bra off as well, but I pushed him away. Then Jongho punched him. I brought you here after that."

You stared at San in disbelief. "Kangmin s-spiked my drink...?"

San nodded. "He had it all planned. I'm sorry, Y/N... none of this would've happened if he didn't see us together." You were too shocked to say anything; you couldn't believe Kangmin would go this low just cause you rejected him. "Ji Kangmin was my bestfriend in high school. After I got a girlfriend, he acted like a bitch to me cause he wanted her. I really loved her, and she cheated on me with him. He spread a lot of false shit about me after I ended our friendship. When I tried to move on with another girl, he took her away from me too. I didn't want other people to know about us only because he would find out. I didn't want him anywhere near you because I knew he would try to take you away from me. I didn't push Hyejoo away that day because he was watching me and would get suspicious of my actions if I pushed her away. I tried my best to do everything that would keep him away from you, but I still failed..."

You burst into tears, wrapping your arms around San; you had no idea he went through all this. "I'm sorry, San. I should've listened to you when you told me he wasn't a good person," you managed to say through sobs.

"No, Y/N, I'm the one who should say sorry for not telling you all of this before." He held you, gently rocking you back and forth while he cried with you. "Thank you for rejecting him..."

You pulled away, cupping his cheek. "How could I ever date someone else when I'm love with you, San?"

His heart raced in his chest due to your words. "That's why you rejected him?"

You nodded. "And I'm glad I did."

San smiled, leaning his forehead against yours. "Can I..." he hesitated "Can I kiss you?"

"Yes, please."

San immediately captured your lips with his own, kissing you oh so gently. You wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him closer. He smiled, causing you to smile as well while you kissed him; you both missed this so much. The kiss was slow and soft, the two of you just wanting to savor this moment. Your hands played with his hair while his hands lazily ran down the expanse of your back. San pulled away, holding you tight against his chest.

"I know I hurt you a lot and I don't even deserve to speak to you right now... but I want to start over, Y/N," San said honestly. "I want to treat you the way you deserve... show you off to the world... I want to make things right between us. These two weeks were pure torture without you, and I realized that I can't... I can't live without you, Y/N. I really need you, baby."

You rested your head on his chest and you could hear his fast heartbeat. "I need some time, Sannie." you noticed him tense up a little and you knew exactly what he was thinking. "And no, this isn't me indirectly rejecting you or anything. I want to be with you, San. I always have and that isn't gonna change. I just need a little time, considering everything that happened." San nodded in understanding. "I promise that I will come back to you."

"I love you and I'll wait for you," San said, placing a kiss on your head.

"Thank you... I love you too, Sannie." He giggled, loving the way you say those three heart-fluttering words. He cupped your cheek to pull you into another sweet kiss, making your heart race again.

The two of you knew that no matter what, you both would always find your way back to each other.

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buckys-black-dress · 3 years

Text

a fine line, part four

a/n: heyyy! sorry this part took so long :( i was feeling really shitty this past week, so here it finally is! i hope u guys like it :)

wc: 3.7k words

This week was going... strangely well.

And of course, it was because of James.

On Monday when you walked into your first ever shared lecture, everything was already set up. There was even a coffee and breakfast waiting for you, which James graciously handed to you with a bright smile upon your entrance.

“Good morning, Y/N. Did you sleep well last night?” He asks with an innocent smile, but you knew he wasn’t all that clueless.

“Good morning James. I did, in fact, sleep very well last night. I hope you did too, because we have a long day ahead of us.” You give a tight smirk with your words, looking at the coffee and bakery bag in his hands. “What’s that?”

“Oh! For you. This is day one, remember?” He says, handing you them and retreating to his desk. “Also, I spoke to Fury about the class sizes. Although he wasn’t much help and basically told me I was on my own, I did send an email to my students about the way they should behave while you’re here. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable, or anything.”

“O-oh. Thanks. I really appreciate that.” You mumble, looking down.

“Yeah, of course. Is there anything else you might need to do this?” He asks in a sincere tone. You felt so weird.

“Uh, no, I don’t think so. Thank you, though.” You smile.

“Well, let’s get started then.” James turns around to open the door, waiting for students to file in until class officially started.

You were extremely nervous, to say the least, but it was comforting knowing that he was trying to make you feel more at home in this space.

Tuesday was more of the same. He, again, brought you breakfast, and had his class in line. But the thing that was different today was the sweet note attached with the lunch he brought.

Y/N, I hope you know how serious I am about all of this. Part of that means paying attention to what you like and don’t like. I know you hate milk in your coffee, large crowds, and when people think English class is a joke. I also know you hate hot coffee, but love tea. And you love grilled cheese, which is what I got you from that café across campus. Enjoy :) -BB

You smiled down at the greasy paper bag, smelling heavenly as ever. Your stomach rumbled after a long lecture with James, and just as you were to plop down into your office chair, a knock sounded from the doorframe, and a large body appearing.

“Hey. Like the lunch?” James asks, his hands in his pockets while walking in slowly.

“Y-Yeah, how’d you know?” You ask, smiling down at the sandwich.

“I mean, I see you there a lot with Nat and Wanda, so I thought I’d treat ya to one. I pay attention to you more than you think.” He says, and your brows pull together as you try not to laugh. “I- that made me sound like a creep.” He looks down in embarrassment.

“It’s alright, James,” you smile, “I really appreciate it. Thank you.” You look down at the warm sandwich again. “Would you like the other half?” You extend it out to him, and he watches with wide eyes.

“Oh, n-no, I wouldn’t wanna impose like that, it was for you-”

“James, I insist. Please, sit.” You motion to your chair across your desk.

He sits with you and conversation flows easily between you two, and it was a huge change from where you two stood a month ago. If someone told you a month ago that James Barnes was trying to woo you, to make you accept his apology, then you would’ve laughed in their face.

But sitting here now, with him, you wouldn’t rather be anywhere else.

That is, until you hear the clicking of heels from the hall, and a certain redhead peeking her head in your office.

“Oh! Sorry, Y/N, I didn’t realize you already had lunch plans,” Natasha says with a smirk, moving to leave your office. You watched with wide eyes, and you knew she was going to have a word with you about this later.

“Great.” You say, hitting your head against your desk, while James is chuckling from his spot.

“Y’know, she’s definitely somethin’ else.” He laughs, looking at you carefully. “It’s not a bad thing, right?” He asks.

“What’s not a bad thing?” You ask, confused.

“That Natasha saw us in here... together...?” He sounds like he’s asking a question, but he’s not sure.

“No... We’re... friends, right? Friends eat lunch together...” You tell him, although you also sound unsure of yourself.

“Yeah... friends.” Bucky feels his chest tighten in a way he’s only felt a few times in his life before.

You both carry on eating, but you don’t see the way he’s looking at you. It almost looks like... longing.

Wednesday was slowly escalating Bucky’s promise to you. After a long day of teaching, there was a bottle of wine waiting on your desk when you returned to collect your things for the evening. Another note was attached to it.

Dear Y/N,

Here’s a little something to help you get through tomorrow and Friday. Hope you enjoy. :)

- BB

You look at the bottle, and it’s an aged Sauvignon from France. It was a nice bottle, and you know he took his time picking it out. It made your insides tingle knowing he thought of you and what would impress you.

You picked up the bottle, looking at it for another minute before sliding it into your bag and gathering your papers and laptop.

You wanted to knock on his door to say thank you, but it was already shut, so you assumed he was either already gone or speaking privately with someone.

You decided you would just text him to thank him, and with that you decided to leave your office for the night.

Little did you know, James was having a conversation with one of the students he had come to love and whom he had become very close with over the course of their time together.

“Dr. B, you weren’t being so subtle in class today, y’know?” The boy’s scratchy voice said.

“What’re ya talkin’ about, Parker?” His voice was tired from lecturing all day, but he couldn’t deny the way his heart rate picked up at the boy’s words.

“Well, with Dr. Y/L/N... I don’t know, you look at her like how I look at MJ...” He tells his professor.

“Well I sure hope so, ‘cause I like her... a lot...” Bucky shoves his head into his hands and takes a deep breath, while the student still stares at him.

“Well why don’t you tell her?!” Peter exclaims, hands flailing around with wide eyes. “You guys would be awesome together! Oh man, I can’t wait to tell MJ, she’s gonna love this- You know Dr. Y/L/N is like, her favorite teacher ever?-” Peter starts rambling, but is cut off by Bucky’s gruff voice.

“L-Listen, kid, it’s not that easy. I messed up with her before, and I’m trying to make it up to her. I did some things that... that I’m not proud of before, and now it’s time for me to win her over, but I’m runnin’ short on ideas, here.” He explains to the youngling.

“Oh- Well, what’re you thinking?” Peter asks, ideas already running through his head.

And once Bucky explains what happened and what he’d been doing this whole week, Peter jumped in his seat.

“Maybe MJ can help! She sees her like, every day anyways, so maybe we can like, ask her to do something. Something subtle, but something Dr. Y/L/N will know is from you. We all know she doesn’t like all that flashy crap.”

And so the two got to planning the rest of the week, and came up with ways to have MJ help as well, just to add that little somethin’ for you.

Thursday went by in a flash, but there was something by lunchtime that you couldn’t shake from your thoughts.

James hadn’t done anything today, and you were scared.

Scared that he gave up, that he doesn’t care anymore.

Scared that you’re not worth it anymore.

By 3 PM, you couldn’t help but feel small and like a fool. You were sitting at your desk between classes, trying to work on some grading to take your mind off the events of the day.

Or lack thereof.

Until there was a knock at your door, a knock you’ve known for almost two years now.

“MJ, come in! How are you today, hun?” You ask in the cheeriest voice you can muster right now.

One of your most treasured students walks in and sets her bag down on the chair in front of your desk.

“Hi Dr. Y/L/N. I have a message for you.” She tells you very vaguely. You raise an eyebrow at the girl, but allow her to continue with a brief nod.

“Uhm, alright?” You tell her.

“Y/N,” you raise your brows at the use of your first name, “I know I haven’t always been the kindest you. I know that I’ve made you doubt me and my honesty. And I know we got off on the wrong foot, but I’d like to change that. I’ve spent the better part of this week trying to figure out how I was going to make you understand just how sorry I am for the way I treated you. I made you feel like you weren’t enough, that you were the problem, but in the end, I had to sit and think.

This was all my fault. I made us this way, but now it’s up to me to fix it. I hope you know, you are one in a million, and I want you to see that. I want you to see yourself the way I see you. So, I have a simple favor to ask of you. Tomorrow night, be ready at seven o’clock sharp in your prettiest dress. Love, James.”

And before your brain could even process the fact that James was asking you out on a date and calling you beautiful, the door opened once again, and a student you’ve often seen milling in and out of James’ office.

He was holding a bouquet of assorted flowers of beautiful greenery and colors that you’ve never even imagined of.

“Hi Dr. Y/L/N. These are for you.” He hands them to you, and remember his name to be Peter Parker, MJ’s boyfriend.

“Oh- Oh my God, thank you, Peter. And you too, MJ. You’re both absolute gems.” You say with a severe blush dusting your face.

“Of course, Doctor. That’s all we’ve got for our part, have a good rest of your day.” MJ smiles as she grabs Peter’s hand and leave your office.

You wave them off and give them a sweet smile.

You stare down at the floral arrangement in your hands, and couldn’t contain the wide smile that you had spread across your face.

You had only seen James through class today, and it had gone extremely well. You gave a full lecture, and your lesson plans had been going over really well with the class. Although James hadn’t done anything today, it had lifted your mood to see you were doing well with this lesson.

But now, you were over the moon, and nothing could ruin your day.

You slowly bounded into James’ office, finding him facing away from the door, murmuring something to himself as he flicked his eyes from his computer to the papers in front of him.

“Hey, stranger.” You say with another grin that made James’ stomach flutter at the sight. You were leaning against his door frame, bag slung across your shoulder and the flowers in hand.

“H-Hey. How are you?” He asks, standing up from his chair.

“I’m doing great. Better than I was earlier today. I uh... I thought you’d...given up on me,” you try to laugh it off, trying to make it look much less dramatic than you initial thoughts.

“Hey, hey, look at me.” He walks up to you, tipping your chin up where your eyes meet his icy baby blues. “You... You are so important. Especially to me, and don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise. I know I did it in the past, and there’s nothing I wish I could take back more than that.” He looks at you with such conviction, such purpose, that all you can do is nod numbly and stare back.

“I, uhm, Lucy’s waiting for me at home, I have to go. But I’ll see you tomorrow.” You say softly, still holding his gaze.

“Okay, see you tomorrow. Have a good night, doll.” He says, softly smiling and backing away, but still facing you.

“Bye.” You smile, walking away.

“Bye.” James returns, a silly smile on his face.

“Bye.” You say again, laughing.

“Bye!” You hear him yell, but you were already out of his office.

You hear his laughter mixing with yours, and you couldn’t wipe the stupid smile off your face for the rest of the night. Not when you got home and fed Lucy, not when you put the flowers in a vase, and certainly not as you fell asleep.

Friday was possibly the slowest day ever. You were in class all morning, and you were still giddy from yesterday. The lesson had gone exceptionally well, especially after the breakfast James brought you.

You ate lunch with Nat and Wanda, having not sat down to have an in-depth conversation with them in quite a while.

“Soooo... what’s up with you and Bucky?” Natasha gives you one of her devious smirks, and she knew exactly what she was doing.

“Well, he’s been doing this... thing this week where he’s making it up to me for... everything, I guess?” You say. “And we’re going on a date tonight.” You don’t meet their eyes, but theirs widen as they share a look.

“And you didn’t think to tell us, you bitch?!” Wanda hits your arm, laughing out a scoff.

“I-I mean, it was a whole deal. He like- you know MJ and Peter? They came in and did this thing in my office, MJ read a whole note from him, and then Peter came in with a bouquet of these beautiful flowers. And then I went to his office to thank him, and we had this... interaction like... like it was magic.”

The way you spoke in awe had Natasha and Wanda confused, but also in awe. They were happy for you, after all you’d been through, it was comforting seeing you like this. You deserved to be happy.

“That’s really great, Y/N,” Natasha gently placed her hand over yours. Her smile was sincere, just like Wanda’s. You were genuinely happy in this moment. Not only with the prospect of your date tonight, but because of the people you were surrounded with. You were grateful for these two, because you didn’t know where you’d be without them.

“So, are you two gonna help me get ready for my date tonight?” You ask expectantly, to which both redheads say,

“Duh!” And all three of you burst into a fit of giggles.

So now, here you were. It was an hour before James was set to pick you up, and you were dat at your vanity while Wanda curled the ends of your hair. Nat had picked out a gorgeous black dress for you, with strappy heels and a short cardigan for some cover-up. You had a robe on while you were waiting for Wanda to finish, so you could do your makeup. That’s all that was left, and the anticipation for 7 o’clock was killing you.

“Y/N, I can practically hear you thinking so hard,” Wanda laughs, patting your shoulder.

“Sorry, I just- I’m nervous. I haven’t been on a date since... since forever. I don’t wanna mess this up, especially with him.” You explain to them.

“Y/N, think of like this... he’s making it up to you. You don’t have anything to worry about. He’s the one doing the impressing.” Natasha tells you, and you understand a little bit.

“Yeah, he’s the one owing it to you. You have nothing to worry about, dear.” Wanda reassures.

“Y-You’re right, guys. Okay, let me do my makeup, and then I’m ready.” You smile, because even though you were nervous you were also excited. This was a surprise, and you couldn’t wait to see what James had planned.

As 7 o’clock rolled around, Nat and Wanda eventually left. You were waiting by the door downstairs, waiting to see a car pull around, but instead what you saw made your eyes widen.

You peeked your head out the door, seeing James.

On a motorcycle.

“Absolutely not, James!” You yell, not even for a second thinking it was funny.

He doesn’t say anything, just moving off the bike and walking up to you.

“Y/N... you look... beautiful.” He takes your hand in his, completely ignoring how you were not amused by the bike.

“J-James, I’m serious. No.”

“Y/N, I promise, you’ll be just fine. You’re in good hands.” He leads you to the bike, pulling out a helmet for you.

“Do you not own a car?” You whine, really not wanting to get on this death trap.

“You know I do, but I like to keep the element of surprise, doll.” He smirks that smirk, and you know you’re not getting out of this.

“Ugh, fine. Let’s go before I change my mind.” You say, waiting for him to get on first.

As you climb on, you wait for him to adjust himself, and you hesitate when the time comes to wrap your arms around his torso; your hands were just awkwardly hovering around him.

“Don’t be shy, doll.” You hear him say, suddenly just planting your arms into place quickly.

As James starts to drive, you feel yourself moving closer and closer to his body, eventually hugging up against him.

Bucky feels your body against his, and he can feel your heart beating wildly in your chest and every breath you take. He can feel it when he does something just a little bit risky on the bike, and how your breath catches in your throat.

And maybe he was doing them on purpose to feel your arms tighten around him even further.

By the time you reach where he’s taking you, you’re sure you look like a mess. Helmet head, mascara smudged under your eyes. But Bucky can’t help but feel that this is the most beautiful you’ve ever looked.

You were perched on a lookout point of the city, and there was a large setup waiting for the two of you. A large blanket splayed across the grass, small lanterns scattered across the expanse of land along with a few baskets of food.

“Wow...” You couldn’t help but stare in awe at the scene. Bucky had really taken the time to arrange all of this... for you.

“Do ya like it? I know it’s not the ideal traditional first date, but I didn’t wanna take you to some fancy restaurant, and-”

“Bucky, it’s absolutely perfect.” You cut off his rambling and take ahold of his hand, leading him to the blanket and you both sit down.

“So, how did you even come up with this?” You ask, watching him pull out the food and a bottle of wine.

“Well, I’ll admit... it wasn’t all me. I had a lot of help from Steve and Sam, because at first I had no clue what to do. I didn’t know how to really make it special, so we sat down and planned this whole thing.” He explains.

“Well, make sure to pass on a thank you to them from me.” You giggle, taking a sip of the wine he poured you.

“You got it, doll.” He laughs, and you two continue to talk and drink until you felt a chill run through you from a cool breeze building up due to the cold air.

And of course, Bucky notices. You watch him pull out another blanket, opening it to cover himself, but he holds up the other end and looks to you.

“C’mon, it’s getting colder, isn’t it?” Bucky asks with a gentle smile.

You nod, scooting closer to him to get under the blanket. And maybe it was the warmth from the wine you had, or the blanket or being so close to Bucky, but you felt very warm and comfortable in that moment.

“The lights are so... pretty from up here. Everything looks so small from up here.” You tell him.

“Hmm... it is really beautiful.” You hear his gruff voice from his chest, and you look up at him from your spot with your head on his shoulder.

He was looking right at you, and you momentarily see his eyes flicker from yours to your lips. It felt like gravity was pulling you two closer together, and eventually your eyes both slip closed and all you can feel is the warmth of his lips on yours.

And you never usually kiss on the first date, but this was different.

Bucky was different.

When you pull away from him, you struggle to open your eyes again, for the fear that this was all a dream and you’ll wake up if you do.

“Angel, open your eyes. Look at me.” Bucky says, and you do as he says.

You looked like a real life angel to him. Swollen lips, hair flowing in all directions from his hands being run through it and the wind from the motorcycle. Under the blanket, your hands placed on his shoulders, basically in his lap.

And this is when Bucky knew.

This was heaven. There was absolutely nowhere else he ever wanted to be than with you.

Your eyes searched his, and all you could find was adoration, infatuation, and... love.

And this is when you knew.

You were in love with Bucky Barnes.

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes au #bucky barnes fanfiction #college professor AU #professor!bucky #prof!bucky #prof!bucky x prof!reader #a fine line #bucky fic #bucky barnes series #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes angst

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alitaimagines · 4 years

Text

“you should let me love you. let me be the one too, give you everything you want and need. baby, good love and protection, make me your selection. show you the way love supposed to be. baby, you should let me love you.”

character: keigo takami - MY HERO ACADEMIA

note: sorry for all the Hawks! im just in a fluff mood for him. sooo, I might take requests after all. if any of you want to send something in particular, I’ll see if I can write it out!

you had been together with Hawks for a few months now.

was it hard? fuck yeah. did you regret ever telling him yes? absolutely not. being with Keigo was one of the best experiences of your life so far and you never wanted it to end.

the two of you met after he saved your university from a villain. you were stuck as a hostage in a room with the villain itself. the class was filled with a bunch of students screaming, crying, or both but you were so paralyzed with fear that you weren’t able to say or do anything.

once Hawks swooped in to save the class, he quickly defeated the villain before sending in the rest of the pro hero response team to grab everyone.

you, being so struck by fear, didn’t move an inch. Hawks had seen this happen before and knew that the tears would be coming soon. your face was tucked in between your knees as he tapped you on the shoulder.

“sweetheart, it’s fine, you can come with me.”

finally looking up, you seen the winged hero before slowly getting up. your hand trembled as you walked out of the university. a few of your friends instantly ran up to you as they wiped their tears to make sure you were okay.

“lets get you to a medic,” one of your friends exclaimed as she slowly walked you to the paramedics. you still hadn’t uttered a word nor were you in the mood too.

after your friends left you and the paramedic finally started checking you, they chalked up your frightened emotions as shock. they placed a weighted blanket on you before they noticed Hawks walking to them.

he snapped his fingers as he told them to give you a few minutes alone, “I don’t think she’s in the right state of mind to be asked questions,” one of the paramedics said. he sighed, “I’m not asking her questions now leave,” he lectured as the paramedics finally listened and went to check on someone else.

you were leaning up against the wall, your eyes still as hazy as they first were when he saved you.

“you okay?” he asked as you didn’t respond. he sat next to you before sighing, “listen, I know what happened to you was traumatizing-,” Hawks didn’t even get through the first half of the sentence before hearing you bawl your eyes out.

he watched as you hid your face between your blanket, “I could’ve died. my family could’ve had gotten a call that I was murdered. oh my god, how am I going to tell them?” you sobbed as you felt Hawks move you against him.

“they’ve been notified,” he murmured as your eyes widened, “where’s my phone,” you yelled as you dug into your bag to see the 100+ messages from your family and friends.

“call them in the morning, they know you’re okay but if you call them in the state you’re, it’s not going to help anyone here.”

you knew he was right but you didn’t care. you immediately dialed your mom and heard her sobs racking through the phone as she asked you a million and one questions.

“m-mom, it’s fine! i’m okay,” you managed to say as she tried to calm herself down, “c-can I c-call you tomorrow? I need to talk to the paramedics,” you lied as she agreed and hung up.

Hawks saw you grip your phone as the tears kept flowing down, “thank you for saving me, I know you’re a very in demand hero and you probably need to get going but you saved me,” you admitted as he nodded.

he had never seen anyone this shaken up before and truthfully, a part of him was disturbed. he saved hundreds of people before but for some reason, your reaction and you alone enraged him.

Hawks never dealt with the aftermath of villains but he was going to make sure that the villain who did this actually served as many possible years as they could.

“nah, I’ll stay behind and make sure you’re okay. don’t need you ruinnin’ off somewhere and getting hurt,” he replied as you shook your head, “it’s fine. I’m okay. I’ve received a few emails that I’m excused for classes for the rest of the week so I’m going to take the few days to recover,” you finally said without stuttering.

Hawks remained sitting as he watched you wrap the blanket around you, “do you have a car here?” you nodded as he finally thought of a way to keep an eye on you but make sure you weren’t going to noticed him, “I’ll walk you there,” he added on as you hesitantly agreed.

you walked to your car in silence as Hawks held your backpack. your car was a bit on the beat up side but you were a college student, a brand new car probably wasn’t even in your financial means.

you put your bag into the trunk before going to the drivers side and giving Hawks one final look, “thank you,” you whispered before getting into the car.

he let you drive off for a few more minutes before deciding to fly and follow you to your house. he didn’t mean to be the creepiest person ever but he was just concerned about you getting home.

your apartment didn’t look to be too far from your university but as soon as he watched you get into the complex, a sense of relief washed over him and finally decided to fly back to his agency.

it took Hawks a while for you to come around to the idea of you dating him. your fears were warranted though. you didn’t want to be so publicized in the media nor did you want any of his enemies coming after you.

you didn’t want to be in the hero field. far from it. so dating the number two hero was in the complete opposite side of the spectrum for you.

there would be days where Hawks would just come by your house for a ‘glass of water’ in the middle of his patrol. you would be so adorably cute and make him not want to leave but he had people to save and villains to defeat.

when you finally cracked down and accepted the idea of dating him, Hawks hadn’t felt so happy in so long. the idea of Hawks coming home to you and you greeting him with a hug and kiss basically projected him to cloud nine.

that’s where you were now. it was a rare day off for him and you were cuddled up in his arms when he woke up in the morning. you were probably still dead asleep as you had a tendency to sleep without waking up to any commotion.

you had your hair sprawled all over your face as he softly moved it away to get a good look at you. in a sense, you were like his own version of heaven. he didn’t even know if he believed in a God but if there was one, he felt like they placed you in his life on purpose.

Keigo didn’t really fall for the fake corny romantic bullshit but ever since becoming official with you, it was hard not too. you would greet him at your apartment when he stopped at your place after his shift and on the days where he asked you to go to his house an hour before his shift ended, you were there to greet him with a kiss.

he truly never believed he would ever get the taste of such that life but here you were, in his arms peacefully asleep.

Keigo still hadn’t told you he loved you yet but he knew that would be coming sooner than later. he had no intention of letting you go now. you were stuck with the number two hero whether you liked it or not.

it was already reaching ten when you started shuffling in place. he looked down at you as you opened your eyes and gave him the sleepiest smile you could have.

“morning,” you muttered, “how long have you been up?”

he shrugged, “eight, maybe nine?” he estimated. your eyes widened, “that long? you haven’t gotten up to eat? would you want me to make you something?” you asked.

“in a minute, I just want to hold you for a few moments,” he admitted. you gave him a kiss which he quickly deepened, “what has you so soft this morning? you’re usually teasing me by now,” you joked as he shrugged.

“waking up to you this morning felt different,” he mentioned, “I’ve never waken up next to someone I love before.”

your eyes widened as you grabbed his hand, “aw, Keigo, I’m honored. I know your life has been considerably harder in comparison to mine but you don’t have to feel like I’m going to leave you or something,” you responded as he nodded, “I love you too,” you said back making him smile.

he immediately plopped you on top of him and kissed you again, “holding you this way is going to get addicting, you know that?” you giggled as you snuggled up to his chest, “really now?” you mocked as you got up, “well that sucks because I’m making you breakfast and you’re helping,” you told him as he chuckled lowly.

you got off of him and grabbed his shirt before slipping it on and making your way to his bedroom bathroom. you and him brushed your teeth before he got into the shower.

once he finished and put on a pair of grey sweatpants with a white shirt, he met you in his kitchen that went hardly touched. he maybe cooked once or twice in it? Keigo tended to order takeout and never did learn how to cook.

you had headphones popped in as you took out a few things you bought yesterday and mixed them together before pouring milk. watching you do the most domestic thing ever made his heart flutter. it was like the two of you were married and in a way, he longed that this relationship would lead to that.

“are you gonna help?” you exclaimed as he laughed, “coming love! you know you’re able to connect your phone to the stereo that’s in the wall, right?”

he made his way over to you before giving you a kiss and helping you connect the music you had playing in your headphones to the speaker built into the wall.

ALITA

#bnha #bnha imagine #bnha x reader #boku no hero academia #boku no hero academia imagine #boku no hero academia x reader #boku no hero imagine #mha #mha imagine #mha x reader #my hero academia #my hero academia imagine #my hero academia x reader #keigo takami #keigo takami x reader #keigo takami imagine #hawks #hawks x reader #bnha hawks imagine

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baby-grayson · 4 years

Text

Dirty Little Secret| Part 2

Summary: Learning is hard when you have the hots for teacher.

Tags: @wheezeatmedolans @evergreendolan @graysonsdollface @imfeelindol @dolansficsandpics @prettyboydolan @voidmalfoy @blindedbythelightt Words: 3.5 words (Part 1)

Ethan had been looking forward to replacing Professor Barnes. He thought teaching an advanced class for a few months would give him the professional edge he needed to apply for a full-time teaching position next semester. Inwardly, he questioned if he was ready to instruct a class: self doubt clouding his brain. He wrote his name in big letters on the board, as if their size projected his excitement to be there.

When he turned around, all the busy thoughts left his head. “Oh God,” it came out as a mumble, as the ghost of words. He smacked his lips together after it escaped, eyes darting away from Felicity. He actively searched the faces of other students, trying to assess if any of them could evaluate his inner tension.

When he decided that everyone else in the room was acting normally, he cleared his throat and started, “Good Morning Everyone!” he flashed a bright smile across the room. From her seat against the wall, Felicity swallowed hard and looked down; her eyes burned invisible circles into her desk. “I expect you’ve all seen the email by now, but if you haven’t then I’m sorry if you were expecting Professor Barnes,” he stepped forward and leaned on the corner of his desk. His long legs stretched out in front of him, pointing down to his black and white checkered shoes. “My name is Ethan, I’ll be teach the class while she is home with her newborn.” He crossed his arms from where he leaned, his muscles pulled at the fabric of his long sleeved shirt.

Felicity’s eyes wanted to tremor their way out of her sockets. She zoned out as Ethan continued his introduction to the class, suddenly very aware of every person sitting in the room. She nearly jumped with the guy in front of her turned around to pass her a copy of the syllabus. She mumbled a word of thanks and went to pass the rest of the pile to the person sitting behind her. Beside her, Jasmine eyed her: Felicity was never charismatic, but this was odd even for her. “You feeling okay?” Jasmine whispered while Ethan started writing the reading list on the board.

Felicity brought her eyes up for the first time since the start of class. She noted Ethan’s back: his broad shoulders and lean figure. She swallowed from a dry mouth. When her eyes found his hips, her mind brought her back to the night before. She was hit with flashes of Ethan’s lips buried within her skin, her hands dangling out of his pockets as she made sweet sounds for him, and the feeling of virility blossoming out of her womanhood and washing over her body.

“Yeah-y-yeah,” she gave a curt nod and slouched back in her chair. Her eyes found the floor. She opened her laptop, not paying attention to the notes Ethan was giving on the board. She opened her school’s website, trying to find another class to switch into it. She bit her lip, seeing a few options but noting that they had a waiting list.

It was then that Jasmine scooted over in her chair to surreptitiously eye Felicity’s screen. “What are you doing?” her whisper was harsh. On instinct, Felicity minimized her browser window and shot up in her seat. With her posture erect, she found the side of Ethan’s face. Her stomach rocked. She raced to look at Jasmine, who was waiting with expectant eyes and a veil of attitude in her face.

“Nothing--just--” she licked her lips, “looking for uh-something-something more....intellectual?”

Jasmine raised an eyebrow, “Intellectual?” her voice was flat, “You want something more intellectual out of your 8AM Monday class?”

Felicity gave a quick nod with a fake enthusiastic smile, bearing her teeth.

Jasmine rolled her eyes and turned back to face the board with a sigh, passively accepting the exchange, “Fine..but don’t you need this to graduate?”

Felicity’s mouth gaped for a moment as Jasmine returned to taking notes on the board. She took in a breath, trying to dim the fires in her nerves. She looked at the corner of her desk and found the coffee she bought before class. She reached it to her lips to take a sip, deciding to power through her nerves and work in Ethan’s presence.

She touched the hot coffee to her lips to listen what he was saying.

“Sex-”

She coughed loudly, nearly spewing the liquid on her desk.

Ethan continued amid her outburst, “Sex is an integral part of understanding Shakespeare,” he eyed Felicity’s side of the room, “and I expect you’re all mature enough to talk about it.”

Felicity immediately pulled her laptop forward. Her fingers hit keys that were scattered with coffee drips. She poured over the academic advising pages, disappointed to find that she did indeed need the class to graduate.

Ethan nearly lost his train of thought when she choked on her coffee. It was hard enough not looking at her, not having the internet dread of the situation take over his entire body. It bothered Ethan that she wasn’t paying attention to him: he felt inadequate and punished. He tried to push his thoughts away but they kept coming. On the first day of what he thought was going to be his largest professional highlight yet, he ends up teaching to the girl that he ran his hands all over the night before and to top it all off— she can’t give him the basic respect of looking at him.

A part of Ethan almost felt grateful. If she pointed her brown eyes at him, he might just lose all sense of the professionalism that he was fighting to hold together.

Ethan bit the skin on the inside of his cheek. He hated to admit that although this felt so wrong, a clandestine part of his soul roared at just how naughty this whole situation was. But that part of him was silenced by the internal screams of how inappropriate the whole thing was.

The hour couldn’t come fast enough. Ethan finished class at the 52 minute mark: claiming it was a gift for the first day when it was really an excuse for him to pack up his things and sit down to process what was happening inside of him.

Finishing early seemed like a good idea, until she was the only one left in the classroom. Her eyes still stuck her computer screen, acting as if nothing was wrong. Felicity could have stood up and left the room with her classmates, but even standing in front of Ethan colored her as an anxious picture.

Ethan cleaned the whiteboard, listening for the sound of her foot steps that never came. He took great care to wipe the rag over every last spot of ink: even going so far as to spray the entire board down at the end. He turned and let out an indiscernible groan when he saw her still sitting there, looking at her computer—not even typing. He pushed papers around the podium, collecting them in a messy order and sticking them in his bag. She remained seated.

Ethan huffed, seeing that the situation required an intervention he was too emotionally flummoxed to conduct properly.

He took a step in her direction.

She closed the laptop. Her eyes met the edge of her desk as she chewed at her lip.

He took another step in her direction.

She slid the laptop into her backpack. She reached from her coffee, trying to take a sip but feeling dismayed when it was empty. Her eyes surveyed the window sill.

He took a last step in her direction, standing in front of her desk.

“Did you have a question?” His voice was low. She hadn’t fully remembered his voice from last night but the sound of it triggered her thighs to smash together under the table. She looked up at him, her pupils trembling inside of her eyes.

“No,” her voice was timid. She felt small with him standing over her like that, looking down at him like that.

Ethan gave a small nod in return, making a fierce point to look her in the eye. He decided that showing anything other than professionalism in this scene would only confirm his premonitions that their relationship was anything other than professional: she was, after all, his student.

Felicity swallowed hard again, feeling lumps form in the back of her throat. With shaky hands, she slipped her computer over the edge of the desk and into her backpack. Ethan took a small step backward as she stood up, meeting her gaze at every point. She shuffled nervously next to him and took in a large breath, rolling her shoulders back before breathing out, “Goodbye.”

Ethan turned to watch her leave: the professional in him couldn’t help but notice curves as his voice boomed out, “See you tomorrow.” His confidence only amplified the growing nervousness between her legs.

Usually after class, Felicity would find an open table or a bench in the campus commons to scroll through her email and sip coffee with her friends. But that day, she walked down the stairs and out of the building and kept walking. She tried to focus on the rhythmic beat of her feet hitting the pavement, but when her mind tried to find a center: her center only wanted Ethan’s eyes.

How could anyone expect her to pay attention in her next lecture? How could anyone expect her to do anything less than doodle in the margins and stare out the window? Wondering if what she felt was so right, because Ethan was certainly handsome enough to leave an impression, or so wrong, because, well, he was her teacher? Ethan’s impression lingered in her mind that night. His voice seemingly singing through the hiss of her shower head. His eyes still fixated on her as she crawled into bed. With thoughts like that, it’s no wonder the type of dreams she had.

Normally a chaste girl, Felicity would tell you that her dreams usually consisted of the replay of childhood memories and the nostalgia of familiarity. But the sensations she felt that night were anything but familiar.

She writhed and squirmed in her sheets. Her mind flooding with the image of Ethan’s eyes, the dark eyes that stared her down in the classroom, looking up at her from the edge of her sex. She was visited by unholy flashes of what Ethan could do to her, what he could make her feel, what he wanted from her.

She woke up in a rush from her alarm clock. She had knocked both of her pillow, a throw blanket, and her comforter off of her bed in the process of the night. She looked at the mess surrounding her bed and swallowed, noting a soreness in her throat. She brought a hesitant hand up to her mouth and gently bit at her thumb: not remembering her exact dreams but knowing very well she shouldn’t have been thinking about her teacher that way.

She thrusted herself back down on her mattress, hearing the springs bounce beneath her. She closed her eyes, silently wishing for another chance at sleep. In her restlessness, she dozed off for a few minutes before snapping her head and waking up. She dragged herself to the edge of the bed, “This is going to be a long day.”

Despite her mumblings to herself, the morning moved quickly. She lost precious moments of sleep in her short doze, which made her late to take a shower. Getting out of the shower late, she ended up in the back of the coffee line when she arrived at campus. She quickly snagged her cup from the group of orders and made a beeline to class: even Ethan’s eyes couldn’t hinder her perfect record of punctuality.

Ethan was at his desk, shuffling through his overly prepared lecture notes, over-zealous for his first real day in front of a classroom. He let his eyes wander to the corner of the classroom more than a few times as the hour approached: silently wondering if his transgression a few days beforehand had scared off his...special student.

Felicity bolted through the door, having only seconds to get situated: leaving Ethan to bargain on whether his felt relief, that she showed up, or apathetic to teaching in her presence. He took a large breath in and counted while he exhaled before grabbing a battered copy of Romeo and Juliet off of the podium. He held it up for the class to see, “I expect you’ve all read it. Or know enough about it. You have to accept my apologies because this is the one time I’ll be discussing something you haven’t read first, but we had to start somewhere on the first day.”

Ethan went to start writing on the board, his right hand being coated in a thin film of marker residue. He spoke with his back to the class, “Now, I wanted to start here because I wanted to pick something familiar to you, where I would model the kind of analysis you will be expected to do throughout the semester.” He capped his marker and went over to the right half of the board, “Now, like all other of Shakespeare’s great works, there are very many themes present: but on the surface level and those with quite a bit of depth and nuance to them. This is not an exhaustive list, but it should help get you started when you write your first paper,” he wrote each work in thick black ink as he said them, “Appearance. Reality. Sex. Death. Law and Order. Free Will. Jealousy. Justice. Blindness. Forgiveness. And Revenge.” He stood back from the board and capped the marker with a distinct “snap” sound. Felicity, along with her peers, furiously copied down the list from the board. Unlike her peers, Felicity thanked a higher being for having something to focus on other than Ethan’s face: which was pulling her attention like a magnet.

When enough pens had left student hands and laid on desks, Ethan started again. “Now I will use one of these themes to point out all of the cues in here,” he held up the battered copy of Romeo and Juliet once more. “I won’t be writing an essay like you will be in the next few weeks, but I’ll show you what kind of textual evidence I’m looking for and what level of analysis is appropriate.” Ethan stood up straighter as he spoke, feeling like the authority in the room. As a little boy, he had practiced this moment hundreds of times in front of rows of excited teddy bears, action figures, and dolls.

“Anyone have a favorite they would like to discuss?” He gestured at his previous list with a marker in his hand. When no one spoke up, he felt a bit of wind leave his sails: maybe teaching wasn’t all public speaking and knowing the material. “Are there any that look particularly intimidating? Something that looks rather...not easy to try?” His eyes scanned the room, jumping from blank face to blank face. Inevitably, he landed on Felicity, “Or rather one what you want to try?”

She swallowed with a dry mouth and shot her head down immediately.

Ethan picked up his gaze and kept surveying the room when a member of the football team called out, “SEX” and his friend in the desk beside him co-authored the suggestion with a wolf whistle.

When Felicity picked her head up, she could have sworn she noticed the faintest blush of pink hit Ethan’s cheeks. He cleared his throat and uncapped his marker, “Alright then, that certainly works. Maybe you could give us our first example Mr. Harries?”

Craig Harries a stocky, beefy blonde young man with the whitest of blonde hairs was unabashed to announce, “Yeah how about that they both wanted to get married just do it?”

Felicity sighed, making a sound that was audible to only her and Jasmine beside her. Even in a senior level literature class, there was no escaping the crassness of the athletic male condition.

Ethan nodded, trying his best not to lose his cool. He remembered strict instruction from a teaching seminar that the class is only thrown off beat when he is thrown off beat, “Good instincts Mr. Harries.”

Ethan ran his thumb along the upper edge of the book, that was decorated in ear marks and different colored post it notes. He found a yellow one, marked with red pen and read out to the class:

“ Come, gentle night, come, loving black-browed night, Give me my Romeo, and when I shall die, Take him and cut him out in little stars”

He lowered the book from in front of his face and finished with “Act Three, Scene Two.”

Most of her classmates quickly jotted down the line and citation, while Felicity sat back in her chair, impressed with the masculine, low call of Ethan’s voice: nearly hypnotic.

“Mr. Harries,” he shot a smile in the direction of the bulky athletic figure in the back of the room, “Would you mind sharing with me something insightful about that?”

Craig stretched back, teetering his chair on the edge of the rails. He smacked a large piece of gum between his teeth. His eyes were flat and his tone didn’t miss a beat, “They say come a lot.”

A fit of giggled erupted from half of the class, while the other half squirmed, blushed, and turned away accordingly. Ethan faced the board, not wanting to show the depth of his eye roll to the class. He uncapped his marker and spoke with his back toward them, “Yes, you’re not wrong.” He found something to scribble on the board to make sense of Craig’s comment. “The use of..that word..is a direct call to the sexual tension of their relationship. Good catch.”

He turned around, not ready to trust another student with an example on the topic he quickly started with, “The word ‘die’ is actually Elizabethan slang for the sexual release, the first reference to that, with the second being the ‘cut out stars’.” He scribbled in more loopy black writing on the board, “First important lesson on Shakespeare, everything has a second meaning.”

“Like the stars,” Felicity wondered how her voice came out of her body. She locked her jaw and tightly wound her ankles together under her desk.

Ethan turned at the sound of her voice, not stopping himself from raising an eyebrow, “That’s right. I thought I just included that,” he turned back to face the board, “didn’t I Felicity?”

Every cell in her body went up in flames at the sound of her name happening in his voice. Her mind felt like it was swimming, in some foreign world of sexual innuendos and teachers with striking jawlines and deep brown eyes. “You did,” she nearly stuttered, “But the way he writes it.” She took in a shaky breath, next to her Jasmine knitted her brow together, “The stars-- it’s childish.”

Ethan sat on the edge of his desk, stretching out his legs in front of him and crossing his arms, “You’re suggesting a connection between her childlike innocence and her sexual desire?” Felicity bowed her head in something that was meant to be a nod, “Isn’t there?” She rubber her lips together in a way that made Ethan look at the book in his hands. She continued, “It reminds us that she’s young, very young--even by Shakespeare’s standards. Her desires, well they’re not really desires are they? She’s more...she’s hopeful for the thought of something without ever having experienced the...real thing?”

Ethan’s dark eyes looked up from the cover of his book, his voice was dripping in a haughty confidence, “You’re telling the class the formation for her want of Romeo, the reason she is pursuing him, is more about her own, barely formed ideas, and less about the man himself?”

Felicity nodded, looking more like an actual nod this time, “Exactly.” She sat up slightly straighter, “What she wants, is what she thinks he’ll bring her, not him..himself..as a person. I mean, she knew him for barely three days.”

Ethan raised an eyebrow, throwing his hands back to rest on his desk, “Are you telling me you think Juliet never really loved Romeo?”

Felicity shook her head, “I think...she thinks she did. With the rest of the world telling her it was forbidden, it probably only drove her rebellion further, to love him and to have him give her all of the ...womanly things she never had before.”

A moment lingered between their eyes, dripping in the start of something. Jasmine looked from Felicity, to Ethan, and back to Felicity.

Before the moment went on too long, Ethan snapped his marker off of the desk and swung it in the air, “Exactly right! That’s the kind of deep thinking I want you all to be doing in this class. Except,” he gave a mischievous glance to Felicity, a gleam in his eye and a bright smile, “with more textual evidence of course.”

Felicity’s lips folded into a tight, smug smile before biting the edge of her lip and sitting back in her seat. For the first time since the prior morning, she felt an inner tension start to release. She could have sworn she saw something glimmer in Ethan’s eyes for the rest of class. She would be lying if she denied turning faint shades of pink every time he got excited and starting enthusiastically grinning while he taught.

#ethan dolan #fanfic #ethan #grayson #grayson dolan #dolan twins #youtuber #influencer #student teacher romance #smut #fluff #angst #story #blurb #concept

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naturallytom · 4 years

Text

One Day Later (TA!Tom Holland x reader)

a/n: welp. this was way more nsfw than i planned. oops. big thank u to @sunshinehollandd for reading this over!!

warnings: language, drinking/drunkenness (sort of), making out, nsfw but nothing too heavy/graphic, fluff, a teeny bit of angst

please reblog/leave feedback!!

“Good afternoon class and welcome to Sociological themes in Classic Literature. My name is Professor Jones.” The entire class was zoned out, as most students are the first day of classes. You were mindlessly tapping your pen against the top of your notebook page, your eyes flickering over the previously highlighted assignment due dates. If you were being totally honest, you didn’t really want to take this class, you were just taking it to fill your English requirement. You figured it’d be easy since you were a sociology major already. “..And before I let you all go today, I wanted to introduce your TA to you guys. His name is Tom, he’ll send out an email with his office hours and how to contact him later.” Professor Jones finished.

As soon as Tom stepped up to the podium, you could tell every girl was gonna be going to his office hours at some point. And could you blame them? No. Not exactly. He was cute. Like really really cute. His short brown hair was gelled up and he had pretty brown eyes that resembled those of a puppy. Rectangular dark brown glasses sat on the bridge of his nose, giving him a look that screamed ‘teaching assistant.’

“Hey guys, as Professor Jones said my name’s Tom, I’ll be the TA for this semester. I’ll send you all an email later that will have this information in it so you don’t have to worry about memorizing it right now but my office hours are Monday’s from 12-4pm, Wednesday’s from 3-5pm, and Thursdays from 1-3pm. If those don’t work for you I’m happy to meet up with anyone outside of those times, just send me an email or a text.” He smiled, grabbing his bag and leaving the room, waving on his way out. “Perfect. You’re all free to go. We’ll start discussing Pride and Prejudice next class so make sure you have the first three chapters read.” Professor Jones dismissed. The class filed out of the lecture hall, whispers of how cute TA Tom was filling your ears in both directions. “He’s so damn cute.” One girl giggled to her friend. “I hope he’s single.” Her friend sighed in response. “I’m so gonna text him with random questions just to talk to him either way.” You rolled your eyes. Sure, he was cute. But he was your TA. It would be unprofessional to try anything with him. Besides, he’s got to have a girlfriend, right? You got your answer a few weeks later. Classes were going steady, but midterm week was approaching and you needed to let loose and have some fun before you had to stress about Mr. Darcy, Elizabeth Bennet, and the theories of social class. The frat house was more alive than ever. Multi colored lights decorated the kitchen with music blaring throughout the entire house. Making your way to the kitchen, you grabbed your friend’s hand to ensure you didn’t lose them in the crowd. The last thing you needed was to lose your friend in a sea of drunk college guys. Your friend settled on a beer while you settled on making a rum and coke to start. Next thing you knew, your friend was drunk and dancing with a couple guys, making you chuckle. “Need another drink?” A voice called over the music. You turned, seeing a cute boy standing next to you. He seemed familiar but between the alcohol you already consumed and the madness of the party, you couldn’t put your finger on where you knew him from. “You’re doing shots?” You yelled over the music, seeing him pour tequila into the small glasses. That was not what you thought when he offered to make you a drink. “Wanna join me?” He shrugged, offering you one. Fuck it. You took the small glass, clinking your glass with his lightly before the two of you downed the alcohol, feeling it burn your throat. “Another one?” He offered. Why not? A short amount of time and god knows how many shots later and you were out of it. Sober enough to know what you were doing, but drunk enough to know you’d be hungover tomorrow morning. Your lips were pressed messily up against his, your hands tangled in his soft but short curls. The two of you made your way upstairs, finding an empty bedroom. As soon as you were inside, you were pressed up against the door, his tongue finding its way into your mouth. “Fuck, you’re a good kisser.” You breathed out as the brunette trailed kisses down your neck and along your jaw. “Thanks.” He paused, giving you a goofy smile, a massive but momentary change in his demeanor before he pressed his lips to yours messily again, this time guiding you to the bed and laying you down before climbing on top of you, kissing you again before pulling away and resting his forehead against yours. “Are you gonna do something?” You whined as his hand toyed with the end of your shirt. “Do you want me to?” He asked, straddling your waist and earning a groan from you. “Yes, fuck yes. Please do something.” You sighed as he kissed down your neck, leaving marks in his wake. “Hm I don’t know.” He teased, his breath fanning over your ear. “I need you to be really sure about this.” “Jesus christ, you want me to beg?” You groaned, making him shrug. “First of all, my name’s Tom.” He chuckled, you rolling your eyes. “Second of all, I just wanna make sure you’re really positive you’re okay with what we’re about to do but I’m more than happy to hear you beg.” “Fine.” You rolled your eyes. “Please, please do something, Tom. I need you.” “What do you need?” He teased again. “I don’t, fuck, I don’t know! Go down on me, fuck me, just do something for fucks sake!” You groaned. That was all the answer Tom needed. - When you woke up the next morning, your head was pounding and you were in an unfamiliar bed, but you remembered exactly what had happened. Though you still couldn’t figure out where you knew Tom from, you figured you’d never see him again anyway, giving you mixed feelings. You climbed out of his arms as gently and as softly as possible, putting your clothes back on, before heading out of the frat house to call your friend and head back to your apartment. - It wasn’t until the very next day that you remembered where you knew Tom from. You walked into your sociological themes in classic literature class, prepared for the review session held by the TA and froze almost as soon as you entered the room upon seeing the TA. Oh. Right. Tom is the TA for this class. That’s how you knew him. The marks on your neck still sat there proudly and a light blush rose to Tom’s cheeks when he saw them as you took your seat. You gave him a simple smile as you sat down, pretending to scroll through your phone as the other students filed in. The class was torture. That was the best word to describe it. It was difficult to focus on anything when you now knew that you fucked the goddamn TA. The dorky, innocent-seeming TA. Finally when the class was over, you got up to leave as soon as possible, but stopped when Tom called your name. You sighed and the two of you waited until the rest of the students were gone to break the uncomfortable silence between the two of you. “I did a good job on your neck.” He said smugly, this time it was your turn to feel your cheeks heat up under his gaze. “Yeah. Um, I enjoyed that.” You mumbled, internally face palming yourself at how awkward you sounded. “Oh I could tell from the pretty little noises you let out.” He chuckled, making a smile tug on your lips, though you rolled your eyes. “Did you want to talk about something or did you just want to be a smug son of a bitch?” You asked. “Well, both, but I wasn’t planning on being a smug son of a bitch.” He smiled. “I wanted to see if you wanted to grab coffee.” “Like…like a date? Is that legal?” You wondered, making Tom laugh. “I’m a TA, y/n. We’re just two students, it’s not against the law.” He laughed. “We don’t have to-” “No, no. I want to. That sounds lovely.” You smiled, making Tom smile. “Here,” He handed you his phone. “You can put your number in.” You typed in the numbers, texting yourself so you knew who it was, and added a star emoji next to your name, because why not? Tom chuckled when he saw the emoji. “Do you wanna wait until after the midterm?” He asked. “The midterm is next week, Tom.” You giggled. “We can do this weekend.” - Your coffee date was Saturday morning and Tom asked you on a second date before it was finished. Two dates turned into three and soon enough a month went by and Tom asked to make things between the two of you official. “Yeah, of course I want this with you, Tom.” You whispered, the two of you lying in his bed, your fingers tracing shapes on his bare chest. “Just don’t want anyone knowing for a little bit.” “Perfectly fine with me, love.” He sighed, tugging you closer to his chest. “Perfectly fine with me.” The next time you had class, you got jealous. Tom looked exceptionally good that day and was in class to answer questions about themes relating to 1984. You were jealous because the girls in your class were basically undressing Tom with their eyes. Granted they didn’t know he was your boyfriend, you still felt jealous. Tom knew something was wrong when you stayed behind after the students left. The two of you had a date that night and he knew you’d want to do some homework before he picked you up. “What’s up, baby?” He asked as you walked up to the podium. “I didn’t like the way they were looking at you.” You mumbled into his chest. “Who?” “The girls in class. They were looking at you like you’re their boyfriend, but you’re my boyfriend.” You pouted, making Tom chuckle. “I am all yours, love. Don’t want the other girls in the class. Only you.” He assured you, pressing a kiss to your forehead. “All mine?” You asked, looking up at him from his chest. “All yours.”

_______________________________________________________________________

tagging some mutuals: @sunshinehollandd @angelic-holland @spideypeach @terrifictomholland

#tom holland #tom holland x reader #tom holland x you #tom holland x y/n #tom holland imagine #tom holland fanfiction #tom holland fanfic #tom holland fic #tom holland fluff #thnsfw #tom holland oneshot #tom holland au #ta!tom #ta!tom holland

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autoirishlitdiscourses · 3 years

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Discourse of Monday, 13 September 2021

I still need to explore ideas more collaboratively. All but two students of my guesses seems quite right to me for any further action to be sure to do this, and below 103 to drop into the main characters is constructed does to women and his weird foreshortened female figures, many of the Discussion Section Guidelines handout, there are no specific formatting or topical or length requirements for this paper, just sending me an email letting me know if you want to do so for purposes of satisfying the technical requirements on papers are penalized by one line because I have been exhausted in order to be taken as Irish is kind of plans for your section. I just sent you about. For one thing, and want to do to do more than five sections results in automatic course failure. Which, given the context of being paid to serve as mnemonic aids and that things are good I think that that's quite likely enjoy Hannah Arendt's book On the one in your work pay off in relation to this, then, but keep in mind what I hope you're feeling okay and getting at least one text by a character referred to only as the source you're using based on my Tumblr blog that are not, I think that your paper is well-written in a lot of fun. You substituted shadow for shadows in line 1582. Which texts I have myself occasionally noticed that I could give you some breathing room this week tomorrow! If you have any questions, OK? Great! And then give an amazing job. You picked a selection from the first section; c you have any other questions, OK? Of course, so if you want and take a look at the beginning of the group and what one can conclude from it, is to add additional material new ways of seeing people as masses. If you have questions about the poem's sense of rhyme, too, though, you get 90. But you really punch through to being more successful would be to have one specific suggestion: think about this during our first section; b write an A-range grade on the final, writing very short IDs, and then I'll get you a five-minute warning by holding up the appropriate time if you do an excellent opportunity to demonstrate mercy, I think that, I think that there's a larger point of analysis is a specific ethical theory about sex. I'm mean but in large part because it's good preparation for what will be paying attention to these questions, OK? I am absolutely not necessary to receive many emails waiting on replies to take a stand, and that there have been. There are also some textual problems that I get for going short, more specific idea of his own experience as a whole. I suspect means that he will be paying attention to these rules: people who see you then! Expressing a different direction.

As it is or is she operating in an in-depth manner and provided a good selection that you tell him you want to try the waters with discussion a bit nervous, which is already enough to juxtapose particular texts could be executed a bit jarring. Yeah, I think that choosing a smaller number of things well here. Full of his travel on the final. Thank you for doing such a strong recitation. Great!

Unless you have earned 97. Both of these have held off on making a specific format the question fully. An A paper goes beyond the length requirement. There are of course, you might compare it with him, ultimately, what do you think that dropping the class which can be found online at. I haven't seen the final and with food I can't promise to do what the relationship of Yeats poem to music and is willing to do so just let me know if you want to take so long to get this to be aggressive or confrontational, and moderate their responses and discussion of a warm summery evenin'; sittin' with your discussion on Francie's mother commits suicide; I think that you'll need to be set against each other with more rigor. Hi! Let me know as soon as possible you'll get that, as well as 1922, of course that it curved back to you. Let me know if you need to do what the professor has decided to outsource our campus email to earlier this year. He says that you have also pointed out, but because excellent papers avoid presuppositions, specify exactly what you call broad history and how it accomplishes what it would be for him. The last two weeks was due to nervousness and/or analyzing the material, and has children, and your language and thought about this in half if you want details. PAPERS RETURNED AFTER THE FINAL EXAM—You've done a lot of students—or if I can. Again, I'm happy to hear, but someone from the Latin phrase. I think that there are potentially productive move, but does perhaps suggest that you look at the heart of what you're doing all right. Quite frankly, the Riverside is a good reason why the IRA's treatment of his lecture pace rather than the fact that the overall goal is to say is simply a straight numerical calculation that was fair to the original deadline was. There are two primary classes of things that would be most helpful at this point. Eavan Boland, What We Lost Eavan Boland, What We Lost 5 p. There is a terrible thing: The study of 'Ulysses' is, specifically, to me.

You really did write a good choice. I think that there are some ways, you've done a lot of work that you want to keep bubbling in the front of the telltale signs that you've got a really good paper here in important ways. A weighting factor/, you were reciting. —Or if his ancestors are only other Nigerian emigrants? You picked a good job of dealing with the class 5% of the play.

Hi! Research Papers, Seventh Edition; there are a number of points. So I hope you had thought closely about how you might note that my comments can be in my 6 o'clock section, since we follow Bloom and other Heaney poems that will be on campus instead of seven on the paper just barely push you down to thanking the previous group had done was inappropriate. Have a good weekend, and I hope you had to say that you could do a solid job of tracing developments in Irish literature 30% of course and scratch and claw for every single one of your material you emphasize I think that you need 94% on the final. It may take me a couple of days to grade is worth 100%, 11 students had 97% or above. She twentythree. However, if your dorm forces you to follow up with an A-range grades, discussed in the Ulysses lectures which, given the facts of Yeats's Under Ben Bulben The Stare's Nest to the section as a hard selection. Having someone else may beat you to next week! I'll see you in the quarter when we talked after section, but students who wanted classes for which I suspect that these can both be there on time. See you this week, believe it is necessary, but my assumption is that the paper requires a fair reading to my office hours due to recall. Answer: a bridewell is a lot of ways in which you can carry yourself, it currently reads like a reasonable guess is that I disagree with, and responded in a lot of things that interest you to recite and discuss can be here is some meaningful reason why the comparison is worthwhile to make sure that there are a real improvement over her midterm score, wasn't enough to look for cues that this is how you did well here, and you make sure that you're going to be more specific about your evaluative criteria, which requires you to achieve even greater clarity about your paper as coming in yesterday I'll get right back to you with issues that came up effectively to larger-scale point in her blue book to the deadline for you—part of a rather difficult passage, but should I hope your summer has been posted to the connections between the Irish are preeminent in a comparable phenomenon, and Dexter here. This is not caught up with it in my box when you've done a strong job! Certainly! If you have missed for purposes of education? That's fine and I suspect that that area is ultimately where your readings were excellent and opened up possibilities for why this second reaction might occur, and have an A-territory with 1 point out of 500 total for the week preceding the section Twitter stream that will facilitate discussion.

Just for the final! You have lots of good plays: thanks to! You are absolutely capable of doing this in case of emergency, please let me know. You Should Avoid 'How-to' Guides Like This One By the way that there are possibly many good ways to the Ulysses lectures which, given Ulysses, with anyone other than the rules. Another small note: Your paper is due. The Stolen Child Yeats, The Stare's Nest again so that it could, loved them, paying for their recitation plan in case people don't jump on this assignment. Some theories: Robert Berry's/Ulysses/is that my office SH 2432E, provided that you understand why I've marked some places. Things Are For Young People via HuffPostBiz Welcome to the group up well for you, based on attendance I won't post them unless you manage to apply it well to the novel for your listeners. I felt like your writing, in love with Rosalind, writes a letter grade; e. By defining your key terms more explicitly and say exactly what you want any changes made I will take this topic, and you did a good reading of a necessary biographical connection for the quarter; b it's OK in unusual circumstances, you basically need to confirm that no one else at all by Patrick Kavanagh, I think that your basic idea is sound and may not, will be worth a total B-. If you've read and interpret as a TA, I think you overlooked people in the English Department's grad student office space, and I enjoyed it a strong, gun-toting, fast-drawing, stereotypically Southern masculine characters survive and prosper under the impression that I need to participate actively in the way that is entitled Samuel Beckett: The Clancy Brothers and the Stars I just finished replying to the longest possible stretch of time and managed to respond to everyone's first proposal before I get to what other people to specific parts of Ben Bulben you're reciting? A-scale course concerns and themes of the text in question. I'll try hard to pull your participation grade that you need any advice, OK? You are perfectly capable of doing even better. But you really want to go to bed late tonight, the two A-range paper grades discussed in the attendance/participation calculation. At the same way my first year in a few things that would then be reciting as soon as possible from the book. You should turn into a more luggage than you have any questions that will help you to write a paper, but if there was a large number of ways; I think, might have heard about. You are all small things that you be an outline of your plans by Friday. Grade: B After restriction for MLA conformance: B—I think that pinning down what the standard essay structure instead of panicking and answering them yourself. Have a good job with it, and your grade as if the first place, and then ask them to larger concerns. Beyond that, to recite this week to read.

You handled your material you emphasize if the first line of thought, that I think that this will hurt your grade. Of course! I think that it's likely it is, an interesting contemporary poet. Ultimately, what this actually means is that they are actually rather disappointing, though I still say that I didn't anticipate at the last week in which you are of course texts this may very well here, and what you'll want to do more grading someone asked in lecture, you want to switch to taking the safe position instead of copying it and would give you some thoughts. Don't forget to bring in other components.

I remember myself how hard you've been kind of a text, although it could be. Picking a selection from one of your adult life. You were clearly a bit more breathing room this week is the question, and thinking about mothers in Irish culture, although if you have not held your grade: A police officer. I'll look forward to your workload, but I'll have your copy of the deeper structures. However, the irruption. Another, non-aligned in the class more, though. Discussion notes for week 4. As you point out, and how they pay off a number of fingers at the appropriate number of ways. Section Materials for English 150, so I can't be sure that I haven't watched Dexter? Because of this category. Let me know what you'd like, though your paper are sophisticated and elegantly worded research paper, but they can. This document has not removed the price tag from his angry moustache to Mr Power's mild face and Martin Cunningham's eyes and beard, gravely shaking. I think, too, that a close reading: 1. You are absolutely capable of doing better on future assignments if I get is that the text can help you to demonstrate that you had a good job of setting this paper are borrowed from other students were engaged and engaging and shows larger-scale, nor am I suggesting that you noticed that the safe path, but there are other good directions in which it could spread your focus out; but if you'd like me to. Have a good student and for me if you really want to deliver the poem and its background. Lesson Plan for Week 5:00 or 3:30 p. You are the questions you've written a very good student this quarter, including phrasing, etc. Alternately, I think that bringing one of them are rather difficult fine lines, but if anything gets covered in an earlier part of the spreadsheet, because the movement from topic to another in ways other than brute strength. An Spailpín Fánach: 7 Charts That Show Just How Bad Things Are For Young People via HuffPostBiz Welcome to the decimalization of 1971. Student Presentation Notes On poems by Paul Muldoon for 27 November the day you are performing—for instance. I'm trying to provide more specific in the future. Which texts I have also been paying close attention to the zombies, who is the basis for both of you had an A-range, actually. A lot of good ideas here, but do so at least some people will have the overall effect of giving your attendance/participation score will probably make some very perceptive work here, and you've done genuinely strong work here, and you related your discussion. So I told the story of Odysseus that treats it as soon as possible; if you have previously requested that I hope you had a good selection, in the specificity of your topics themselves instead of or in addition to being a difficult text, and I'll get you feedback on this assignment, Bloom is highly sexualized in the actual amount of reading the play in this regard. PhD Candidate in English X-rays, which has been very quiet this quarter, and you connected it effectively to larger concerns.

Finally, I did to so I probably won't make a final paper? All of these ways. You're smart and I fully appreciate this it's not an acting class, or Muldoon, Quoof, McCabe page 4 McCabe 135, McCabe TBD Paul Muldoon these poems can be an advantage from others. You've not only against your own experiences and opinions about the overall goal is to let you know that you've made an excellent job! You're very welcome to select. Again, this is absolutely normal for students who didn't either take the midterm and final exams, and you've done a lot of really productive ways to arrange for an excellent sense of the show that you're dealing with O'Casey's own sense of what your overall score for base grade-days late 10 _3-length penalty of/Ulysses/11—it's just one of the Wandering Aengus—6 p. Great! I think that it deserves to go with your own experiences and opinions about the relationship is that if you'd like, and turn them in some important introductory aspects to your potential this time limit has come up with a difficult text! I'm currently thinking may be an optional review session, why do we know what you want to take so long to get your main point about the Yeats texts that you're capable of doing this on future assignments—and you do a selection from Ulysses in the early stages of planning I just finished it you had thought about this is simply to talk about the recitation of a specific argument. You should aim for a job well done!

The standard deviation for that matter, my point is that it deserves to present your material very effectively and provided an interpretive pathway into the final itself, you might compare it with him, ultimately, does race mean? Ah, you're examining? Needing to study for a job well done. Great! I've seen any of them, but you came up to help you to be painful. Thanks.

Then ask yourself what you actually get from the rest of the texts as a whole is more demoralizing than being there and nowhere else. I've been nervous about public speaking. Questions and answers for you to a in line 1576; changed so I would have to go, but really, really, you really mop up with the play, especially if the text that you have any questions, OK? The Stare's Nest to the people who recite together get the ball rolling in the back of your plans to the first quarter of 364. One is that you may not yet chosen a recitation for 27 November, or severe problems with basic sentence structure are real strengths in this paragraph, and on a copy by 10 p. Yes, Mrs Nugent on line/paragraph spacing in MS Word 2007: Microsoft on widow/orphan control in MS Word 2007: Microsoft on line six; dropped a keystroke without noticing. Does 12:30-3:30 tomorrow? Hi! 551, p. What I would be a constant problem throughout the quarter, you lose the opportunity to say, more specific claim in a productive place to stop moving long enough to impede an understanding of the recitation.

We can absolutely say no to or just to pick something for you to take a deep breath, and what's wrong with writing all six on the email but don't yet see a message from him. I've listened to the US by Irish immigrants. He therefore desired me when I responded to your questions, OK? One of these would be necessary to read this paper, however, it's not too late before the beginning; added and before I pass it along. Pre-1971 British and Irish pounds were subdivided in the outside world, people have expressed interest in the discussion requirement. Unlike many students as possible, OK? Which texts I have your copy of the division of a question is not enough points on the structural schema of/The Spirit Level/1996. Most students are going faster than you can think about what it means: are you going to argue at this point in smaller steps this would pay off as a serial killer. Of course, let me know, and that it deserves on that component of being adaptable in terms of which I suspect would have to agree with you to be more specific examination of the other on your way up to me/. I think that the items on the text than to worry about whether you want so I can't believe that I currently have openings in my opinion to earn participation points. One would be to think about this decision, but certainly not beyond you, or if Gertie is generally given over to how other people, and I'm looking forward to your main payoff—then restructure your paper is that a more analytically incisive paper. Hello, everyone! It may be that the paper—you're not trying to force a discussion of Rosie's attempted seduction of TA for the historical development of the text. See you then! Well done. You do a good sense of suspense in the class like you were reciting and discussing the work that put you at C. Other registration/administrative issues?

I think that practicing a bit like a report. I have you down a bit rushed. You should still let me know as soon as you should stop using Windows presentation. How are you actually arguing for a B paper turned in a little bit, though again, we can talk about, or in the process of public speaking. Let me know in my intra-textual comments, is what counts, regardless of race were like, and you want to make them answer questions instead of making your paper is engaged and participatory so as to avoid treating your time and managed to articulate as fully and clearly as it can be found online at or take advantage and to interrogate your historical sources would pay off. You must recite a selection from McCabe in your delivery was solid in a paper is one way to think about it from being in an automatic non-passing grade for the rest of the text s involved. This is a thinking process, and your writing sparkle even more in section. The use of verb tense rather complex. I'm sorry to have a low C in the context of a section you have demonstrated repeatedly in section, which is what you think, always a productive way to think about in class that you examine as part of the horror of the passage and gave what was overall an excellent delivery, and may be that the writer has a clear argumentative thread, and I'll see you in places nearly virtuosic, overall, but the attentive amongst you will quite likely enjoy Hannah Arendt's book On the one hand, I'm sorry you're so sick, and coming up with an unnamed nationalist called only the citizen.

If you get from putting Beckett, and instead think about the stare, but rather because thinking about why they appeal to you. Good luck on the night before will incur the penalty for the final. Since this was quite good and potentially very productive, and effectively positioned it as optional. Failure of the time your paper and make your own strengths. Another potential difficulty is that they always have been balanced a bit nervous and a departure from your knowledge periodically and reinforce it by the question entirely and solely responsible for making sure that you lectured more than you have any questions about this, but certainly not at all I myself have this same problem, but rather, more specifically in your section about the topics you've picked.

Think, too. All in all, and your writing is so very good job of trying to get going. /Of your paper in other audio equipment to record your attendance/participation that is bitter and mysterious, and I think that having more open-ended rather than treating them as choices made as a pair. Of course, I think you are hopefully already memorizing. I think might have helped him on in your proposal, but rather, more specifically about your other possible interpretations, and students can find summarized briefly in this section, and giving other people to do so, I think and X could be squeezed in most ways, interrogating your own expertise. Just How Bad Things Are For Young People via HuffPostBiz Welcome to the way that I set the bar for A papers very high B in the bridewell. Hi! He Wishes for Cloths of Heaven. If you have a word processor to add additional material new ways of reading the Nausicaa episode of Ulysses, which pulled the grades up. Your mapping of geographical space onto ideology is thought out that you never quite come out and yell Gotcha! You have to perform this assignment. Just a chance. Unless otherwise mentioned, you did quite well, but I think that you're both aware that you made concessions to the other recitations that week is not so much mail this week. Great! The short version: This is often the case that registration is very volatile during the Great Hunger. You have to leave my office hours are 3:56, which was previously the theoretical maximum score for base grade is going to be even more successful would have paid off here; but if you want to avoid large amounts of repetition of their material. Here's a breakdown on your own ideas. No worries I understand it, and one that most examples of acceptable reasons for missing a scheduled recitation: Family death. 238 Reading quiz, if you don't recite; In front of the bigger differences between analytical papers. Thanks for doing such an incredibly long time if you miss more than 100% in section this quarter, which is to drop into the theory of how your paper; and also participate extensively may wind up on reading will probably be operating in Standard English quite effectively, and make annotations as you can do at the end of that first draft, and The Cook, the opportunity to demonstrate that you have thought of it, then do come to that particular selection and changed I'd say that's a good-faith attempt to develop, and I really did enjoy your paper, just as Shakespeare doesn't necessarily have to say in section is engaged and sensitive, thoughtful performance that was helpful. She knew at once.

Perhaps most centrally, about whether you're technically meeting the discussion keep going for the quarter overall you did quite a good set of political and ethical theories would help to focus your analysis more specifically about your own presentation skills. Whoops, there's only one of each? What that is a concrete suggestion for how these particular texts could be; rather, I'm happy to discuss you may also, if it's necessary to somehow be constructed through texts that you're one of the concept of motherhood; the paper, and had some effective questions that you select, I nominate her: she worked incredibly hard, made great strides, is not a circulating, coin. Another potentially productive.

Theoretically, you were on track throughout your time and do a genuinely serious and unavoidable emergency family death, serious injury, natural disaster, etc. You should do whatever would be helpful flight, the average score would be helpful. I'm happy to hear that. Let me know if you don't send it right along. But you did quite a good student this quarter and has no effect one way to avoid discussing it in to, and get me a copy of the poem.

One of these are important to you I was trying to suggest ways that looking squarely at it with him after the performance curve. And, yes it's OK with the writings of American modernist novelist William Faulkner; the median and mode scores were both 7, I think that you've read and interpret as a discussion of a paper before I start being nitpicky with my own preference would be to go is also an impressive move, and your writing stage. Again, though as I just want the section will benefit from hearing them. Because I will also post whatever you send me a general overview of your specific point of causing interpretive difficulty for the quarter, but all in all, since someone canceled. Good luck with your ambitious task. Think about what kind of way.

Do you have any further questions, though there was a much cleaner text than the syllabus. You show a fair amount of introductory speaking to set up on the web is a strong step in this way, and wanted to be changed than send a new sense of having misplaced sympathies that are likely to be crying about? Not reciting for any reason that's not on me. If you discuss this Wednesday 6 November in section. I'm sorry to take a more rigorously structured relationship to Gonne and his borderline manic feelings while making his rounds quite effectively, and you write very effectively and provided a good holiday, and it will result in no section meeting. You did a very good job overall in this regard I promise to do with it, and I keep it from my other section's turn to get a more interesting way to get started might be possible during section, and went above and beyond the length requirements. You picked a very good paper; and also correlated strongly with how they pay off even more, which also may or may make other people to engage your peers' interests. 17 Dec so I hope you had a good move, which can be evaluated in ethical terms: what are our responsibilities to each section. Alas, what early twentieth century, and it showed. Exactly 7. You did a number of bonus points you get no section credit, which could conceivably have been productive. I have to go for answers on questions about them with major points into questions, too, needs more focus in order to be about right but I don't know for sure.

It's often easier to memorize a few things that we've read this paper, and you're claiming that the one in your paper has been quite a strong job of weaving together multiple sources to produce a historical document might involve 1904-era food-concerned still lifes quite a good start here, and is entirely possible if the group as a whole clearly enjoyed your presentation, please email me a photocopy of the gaps were due to an agreement at that time passes differently when you're in front of the fourth stanza, too. Remember that there are some of the class and led them through some important thematic issues from a technical standpoint, today! The history of the A range. I think that it would set an excellent delivery. If that's not a full schedule this week in section treat each other, in SH 1415. I just finished grading the final, so if no one else is doing so. I'm glad you were able to pick it up until 7:00-6:00. I've made about your key terms more rigorously, but getting the group as a single class than to worry about taking longer to get a handle on the final.

It is/always/have completed the assigned readings by a group of students overall, but had a lot of these terms explicitly in connections between the various elements that you're paying close attention to your section this quarter. You draw meaning out of 150 just below 80%. I think that your delivery; perfect textual accuracy; impassioned sense of the poem, and that you want to do. I recall them in more detail if you miss section, which shows that you'd thought about the topics that each of the beautiful little gem that is necessary to receive a perfect score just barely meets the absolute final deadline to name your poem and gave a solid elementary job of choosing not to the text you will need to think about specific questions is the first week, the historical background, might be surprised to discover how much of its lack of proper MLA-style citations in footnotes. Twelve-page paragraph should be analytical in nature, rather than proving points by demolishing counterarguments, is that you have any other questions, OK? What We Lost 5 p. All of these penalties is for your reader, and the Stars and the world are necessarily fascinating. Yes, and this is to lead from the final will keep you posted on. How you want, or inherently uninteresting none of this in terms of line count, stanza breaks, or Paul Muldoon, or just to think about this if you'd like.

Again, I'm very sorry to take so long to get people thinking about grad school. You legitimately crossed the line. I've just finished it you write, think about their own potential and serve as an allegory for the remaining presenter for the bus on your grade 5% of the class? Section takes a bit more about me than you already have a set of ideas in here. /Attend or reschedule.

Your performance provoked a new document.

You also picked a good job of showing how the texts, how do we seem to have dug into these topics. Another potentially profitable, though, so no worries there. The first time since about 10 this morning to send them. There was one small error, a quite high A. So quite gracefully, actually, because this helps me to give a close-reading exercise of your performance idea, you will turn in your delivery does not conform to the YouTube video from the horrors of the poem before the third paragraph of the soul after death; that we have such a good weekend! Let me know if you can bring your luggage during section for the make-up exam tomorrow at 10 p. Also productive: Nausicaa and whose thoughts are more relaxed and have a C-71. If you're going with their interpretative or other matters related to grotesquerie. In the same grade, then any estimate that I don't think that that's quite comprehensive. I think that this cut off some possibilities for later in your delivery was solid in a Reddit discussion earlier this year that you are from the exact points of your paper, but rather that I think. Thanks for doing a good student this quarter, and effectively positioned it as being the connection between the large bookshelf and the group; once when everyone introduced themselves to me. I was able to give up points for not hitting the bare minimum paper length, but will make it productive to me during my office during office hours so that the exam. /The Spirit Level/1996. I haven't graded yours yet, and he got the class up very effectively in your section, as one of the analysis fits into that range was flagrantly giving up points in support of your mind, if possible. Well done on this assignment.

Well done on this picking the opening paragraphs create a separate currency. Let me know if you don't immediately come up repeatedly, and these small errors that don't change the way that you really do produce some intriguing possibilities without theorizing them as questions: you'll get full credit. Thank you for doing so. If I'm not firmly attached to this day. You did a good quarter. More administrative issues? So, the Resource Center for Sexual and Gender Diversity, or it becomes apparent that more time will result in penalties beyond simply receiving an F, having managed to introduce some major aspect of Plough into relief.

Thanks for letting me know if you really mop the floor with the writings of American modernist novelist William Faulkner; the paper means that that is not a bad move, but you were nervous and a talented scholar the handout linked above was prepared for the quarter is in a reduction of ⅓ letter grade is whether you want to put it another way to find that speaking with a text that's written as historical documentation, but they've added up. Remember that your ideas so sophisticated in so many other possibilities, and is dense but not which presentation you'd done some quite perceptive and certainly within the larger structure of your material very effectively. I'll see you tomorrow! If not, let me know if you were on track throughout your paper to be handled more rigorously for your section, which would help you to achieve perfect textual accuracy; impassioned sense of time. Remember that next week. Remember that your thesis more specific this may be a fallback plan. Group-generated review we developed tonight, along with a fresh eye, asking yourself what they have a mother who is the distinction between individual Irishmen and-voice arrangement of William Butler Yeats's The Song of Wandering Aengus, He Wishes for Cloths of Heaven. I am willing to do this not because I think that your plans are generally more consistent and sensible than the syllabus. It is not something that you must be formatted according to the growing poet, and showing that you use. This is a good background to the characteristics of the specific claim that you find interesting. You can ask the class to engage with the way: every picture I've seen of Katharine O'Shea note the recurring discussions of foot and mouth disease offhand, I think that it has some notes on areas in which I said in lecture yesterday: The Search for the quarter he had lived. I am much less true for several hours tonight. I before think I do not use any equipment other than quite good in many ways basically fair reading to me. Currently, what all of these was touching on some people may get some pointers on this write-up of the more productive question is a clear and effective, too.

#Irish literature #automatically generated text #Patrick Mooney #Python #Markov chains

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wallabywannabe · 6 years

Text

Long life update post ahead!

I officially don’t work at Pet Supplies Plus anymore!! The retail burden is lifted! The people I worked at there were all great-(honestly. There were some people that I had worked with there who were Not Great but none of them are there anymore). Working there was a really important step in my life and marked the beginning of the truly stable climb out of the dysfunction-producing depression that i’d been stuck in for so long. It morphed into a a much more functional depression and I acquired so much confidence because other people saw me as hard working, reliable, and efficient. I couldn’t be those things for myself yet, but I could be those for work.

But I was underpaid-the people who benefited from my hard work had no control over my salary-and I needed health insurance before I turn 26 in October. So I’d been looking for a new job for 9 months. And this is something I’m constantly trying not to be ashamed of but still am deep down--I still haven’t finished my bachelors. Because I still have so many mental hang ups when it comes to completing a class-doing homework, showing up to lectures, turning in assignments. That’s where the dysfunctional bit started, and that’s going to be the last thing that will become easy to do again. Because it really used to be easy. And it is still easy for me on a physical level-my brain works just fine when it comes to the understanding and completing---it’s just the mental everest that sometimes pops up first that I have to climb that’s hard. I think that is shame-based too. I feel too old to be taking these classes, to have classes that I still haven’t taken yet. To know that my little sister who is 4 years younger than me is going to graduate before I do. And sometimes I just can’t face that. That’s the part that’s hard.

But anyway, not having a bachelors obviously was a hindrance in the job search. And I got rejected so much! SO much. Which is great, because it means I applied to so much, and as you know, I only received rejections from a small portion of jobs that I didn’t get. And also, i got really good at receiving rejection which is a life skill that will probably help me just as much as all the therapy I’ve been through.

There were a few times when I got really close to a job, but I had to turn it down because the location made it not worth it, or a few I just never called back because I realized when I got the interview I could never do that job. But mostly it was not hearing back from anything and rejections.. And then the best job out of any that I had applied to so far came along--in biology research, the field I want to go into, at U of M, a permanent position, close to home, full time, benefits, didn’t require a bachelors, excellent for my resume, great people, interesting subject--and I got it. After all those rejections, I got the one that mattered. And I’m still actually getting rejection emails from jobs that I applied to months ago, which is great because I didn’t want those anyway! I wanted this one! It must have showed.

And I started 3 weeks ago and I’m so confident in myself and my abilities that I haven’t even been nervous once. It’s very refreshing to be doing something with enough structure and is important enough that there’s always someone there to ask questions and make sure you’re doing something correctly, and I”m taking advantage of that because I didn’t have much of that at my last job. However, I genuinely don’t have a lot of big questions or uncertainties about anything so far. I’m getting better at the procedures the more I do them of course, but if I’m worried that anything might have gone wrong I report it to my lab manager right away, because she made it very clear that she appreciates that and I get the impression that she would never be upset with honesty and is always ready to brainstorm a solution to any problem or mistake. I did some DNA/RNA extractions last week and I got reasonable DNA concentrations but the RNA concentrations didn’t make sense, so she’s going to run the same samples this week and we will try to isolate where I went wrong. She didn’t phrase it like that, but I wouldn’t be hurt if she did, because clearly something happened and I would very much like to figure it out! And I’m not nervous about that either. But otherwise, I’m getting the hang of things and only need to do a bit of fine tuning here and there now and again.

I have a confession to make, which I haven’t told my therapist or anyone about yet...but I stopped taking my medication. I realized I was running low and I didn’t get it refilled and instead just tapered off. That was not the right thing to do, as any doctor or therapist will tell you, it’s best not to make medication changes a) without consulting your doctor and b) in the middle of a major life change. And it’s weird because I’d been very pleased with how well this medicine worked for me (prozac, of all things! The most basic answer!). I’ve been on drugs that didn’t work out before, but I’m not of the mindset that I want to have an end goal of eliminating all drugs. I figured if I needed to take a prescription forever, no big deal. I have to take an antihistamine almost every day too. But when I ran out of the prescription I just felt like yeah, it’s time. I felt the familiar feeling of uncomfortable excitement that happened when I waited too long between doses for a few days, but it was easily assuaged by a few deep breaths and then I went back to business, and it faded completely. Fortunately prozac withdrawal is pretty simple and I was lucky. (disclaimer: that is not the case with many antidepressants! I withdrew from Pristiq mistakenly once and I was half convinced I was an alien species living in a human body. Kind of makes me wonder about some of the psychiatry recommends these days for mental health issues--if there’s risk of introducing such a dramatic instability, is it really advisable to try them at all? but that’s a topic for another post. Or preferably a paper in a psychiatric journal written by an actual doctor.)

Anyway I lucked out with that. I still actually have some left so if I had need to go back on it I easily could have, but I really don’t feel like I need to or want to now. I’m actually doing more cleaning and getting my life in order outside of work these past few weeks that I had been before, which is probably due to this job that I love with this nice normal schedule. And I will have weekends completely off now too, every week, and I think that will make things even better.

There weren’t any classes that I could take for my major over the summer so I haven’t had school these past couple of months which has made things very easy. And with a 9-5 weekday job now, I won’t have much room to take more than one or two classes a semester for the imminent future, which is nice workload-wise, but it does put off my graduation date even farther. That only matters as a point of pride which I will probably always struggle with whenever my graduation year comes up in the future even after I graduate. But it doesn’t really matter logistically, because I have a good job with benefits and I will be on track for yearly raises, and by the time I do graduate and decide to move on to grad school applications I will have a wealth of hands on lab experience already.

I was kind of thinking that I’d start saving up for a car and consider moving to a house with a yard and getting a dog in the next year, but I think I will put that off into the more distant future, probably renew my lease here again. Right now I”m 2 blocks from the campus where I go to school, and I’m directly on the bus route that goes straight to my work. If I were to get a car I wouldn’t even use it to go to and from work because parking is so expensive to park close, or I could park for free and take a shuttle but then that would make my commute just as long and more complicated than taking the bus anyway.

Instead I’m going to put the car on hold and get this hyperthyroidism treatment for Wendy my elderly cat done. I’m going to make an appointment to get the preliminary tests done tomorrow at my regular vet. The actual procedure will probably have to be done at Michigan State. It has a very high success rate and negligible side effects. The only reason I’ve been on the fence is because of the cost. But I have a better job now, and the reason I adopted this cat was to give her the best quality of life possible. Other people raise their eyebrows when I bring it up, because she’s 16 and has other health problems, but it’s not like she’s on her deathbed! She can only feel better once her thyroid is working correctly! The main exception being that she might gain some (much needed!) weight which would put more strain on her arthritic joints, but I have to think added muscle mass will help with that.

Delilah, who had been blessed with healthy teeth until now which has been much appreciated by me considering the teeth brushing attempts have failed and she won’t touch raw bones yet, does need to have dental work done at last so we will schedule that too. And then I’m going to try to brush her teeth again because I haven’t completely given up on that!

#text #mypost

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such-a-common-girl · 7 years

Text

Professor Winchester (Dean Winchester x Reader AU) Chap. 3

Professor Winchester Masterlist

Word Count: 2,659

Professor!Dean Winchester x Reader AU

Summary: Your first day on the job as a Dean’s assistant isn’t as easy as you thought it would- but it’s not the work that’s making it difficult.

Warnings: Language, mentions of sex, sexual tension

*gif not mine*

“You what?” Nina’s hand freezes as she goes to lift the fork up into her mouth, her jaw dropping in shock.

“I accepted the job.” You shrug, taking a bite out of your apple. “I need the experience and the letter of recommendation. He needs help getting organized and caught up. It’s a win-win.”

You weren’t sure whether or not you wanted to tell Nina at first about your newfound job opportunity. You didn’t know how she’d react since she was there the night of the drunken incident. She didn’t know everything – certainly not about the kiss – but she knew enough, and you didn’t want her to think you were taking Dean’s offer just because of that. You didn’t want her to think that you were becoming one of those students.

But, the more you thought about it, you realized you had to tell her. If she didn’t find out from you, and mysteriously from some other source, it’d look way more suspicious than if you just told her the truth.

“You lucky bitch!” Nina beams, her eyes crinkling up at the corners as she slaps her thigh. “You totally have Professor Winchester wrapped around your little finger!”

“I do not have Dean wrapped around my finger.” You roll your eyes, and Nina’s lips form into a smirk upon hearing you call Professor Winchester by his first name. “We both had a mature, adult talk about things and have agreed to put the events of last Sunday behind us.”

“Yeah yeah, whatever you say.” Nina shakes her head, finally taking a bite of her pasta. “What kind of work are you doing for him, anyways?”

“I’m not really sure,” You say. “Typical assistant stuff, I don’t know.”

“This is like the beginning to every porn video I’ve ever seen.” Nina laughs, making you spit out your apple.

“Nina!” You scold, but you can’t help but let a laugh escape. “It’s not like that.”

“Whatever you say.” She walks away from the kitchen table, putting her plate in the sink. “You start tomorrow? Are you nervous?

“Yes, I start tomorrow, right after my computational calculus class. And to answer your other question, yes I’m nervous. Beyond nervous. This internship, or job, or whatever the hell you want to call it is basically going to determine my future. I mean, Dean is a good guy and I think even if I colossally fuck up and he ‘fires’ me, he’ll still write me a good letter of recommendation, but… I’m still anxious.” You admit, setting your half-eaten apple on the table and beginning to fiddle with your fingernails – a bad habit you only do when you’re nervous.

“Stop stop stop,” Nina rushes over to you, taking your hands in hers and giving you a concerned look. “You’re my best friend and because of that, I’m required to stop you from falling back into old habits. Stop with the fingernails. Are you really that nervous?”

“I wasn’t lying when I said beyond.” You bite your lip. “I just feel like I’m bound to screw this up. What if something happens, Nina? Forget all the excuses I told you earlier. You know what happened on Sunday. Dean and I agreed to put that behind us and move on, pretend like it didn’t happen, but it’s going to be really fucking hard when I have to spend most of my time around him now. You know how attracted I am to the guy, and he’s made it pretty clear that the feeling is mutual, despite our agreement. I’m just afraid something is going to happen and screw up my future.”

“You’ve got to relax a little, Y/N.” Nina sighs. “As much as I want to tell you to just fuck him already, I understand what you’re saying. But think about it this way- the job is only for the rest of the semester, and then it’s done. You’ll never have to be around him again, not unless you want to be. So if you can keep your lust under control until then, which I know you can, you’ll be fine.”

“Jesus, Nina, I’m turning into one of those people we always make fun of. Throwing themselves at Professor Winchester. I can’t believe myself. One, small drunken kiss and I’m suddenly-“

“What?!” Nina screeches. “You didn’t tell me that you guys kissed!”

“Oh.” Your cheeks go red, realizing that you accidentally let it slip. “You absolutely cannot tell anyone, you understand?”

“Oh, I understand,” Nina says smugly. “My best friend’s kissing her teacher. The teacher, the one everyone is head over heels for. I’m sorry, this is not what you want to hear right now, but I’m so fucking proud of you.”

“Ugh.” You groan. “I’m trying to forget about it.”

“Alright, alright. I won’t bring it up again unless you do.” She smiles at you. “But, if it makes you feel any better, you’re nothing like those other students. Not even close.”

“How?” You laugh sarcastically.

“Because you’re technically not even pursuing him, and you’re still getting more out of it than they do.”

You take a deep breath as you stand in front of Dean’s office, your hand formed into a fist as you hold up your arm to knock on the door. You’ve never been to his office before, not his actual office, only his classroom.

After yesterday’s somewhat uplifting talk with Nina, you’re feeling much better about working as Dean’s assistant. The nerves are still there, naturally, but way less so than before. You feel confident that you can make it through the job without any complications of any kind.

You knock lightly on the door, not even able to knock a third time before the door is opened abruptly. Dean stands there, his eyes glanced down at you since you’re quite a bit shorter than him. He’s wearing normal clothes – a flannel and jeans, something completely different than the suits or sweaters that he typically wears for his lectures. A small smile appears on his face as he sees you standing there, but it’s obvious that he’s stressed.

“You alright, Dean?” You frown.

“Yeah yeah, just got a shit ton of papers to grade still. Come on in, you’ll be a huge friggin’ help.” Dean opens the door wider, allowing you to walk inside. It’s a nice, medium sized office. Not quite as large as you imagine the dean of KU has, but roomy enough to fit a couch, a few bookshelves, and a desk.

“What exactly do you need me to do? I haven’t exactly ever done this before.” You set down your purse on the couch, looking around awkwardly.

“Here’s your list for today- it’s easy as hell, don’t worry. Just takes up a lot of time that I don’t have since I need these essays graded by this weekend. You can use my extra laptop to do some of them.” Dean explains. He hands you a handwritten list of your tasks.

To Do List – FOR Y/N

-send an email to Dr. Garth asking about the results of his experiment and asking permission to speak about it in class. he’s going to say yes, and since I already know that, please ask him if I need to highlight any specific areas that he thinks are important. clarify that it’s you sending email or he’ll be suspicious since I don’t type very ‘professionally’ or whatever. It’s a problem of mine. I should probably work on that, being a college teacher and all.

-respond to student emails regarding questions you know the answer to/dates of assignments/their grades. Calendar and student grades are on my laptop with the dates. I trust you won’t snoop for personal reasons. I know you won’t but you know, just saying.

-organize my bookshelves. I don’t care the order. They’re just insanely unorganized and not even stacked correctly right now and it’s driving me insane. Thanks.

-bring the harry potter series to Castiel (Professor Novak). This one isn’t work related, but he’s never read the series and I’m forcing him to. It’s like the guy is stuck in ancient bible times, I swear. He struggles with technology and basically anything 21st century. Jesus, this to-do list is turning more into a conversation than anything. Sorry. His classroom is one floor down and room 34.

“That’s it?” You ask, looking up at Dean as you giggle slightly at the little notes he added on to the end of each task. “I was expecting a lot more.”

“Nah,” Dean dismisses. “Told you it's easy shit. Nothing too grueling. And I’ll be in here if you need any help, so feel free to ask me questions if you’re confused about anything. Make yourself comfortable. I’ll be at my desk so you can chill on the couch.”

Your mouth goes a little dry upon the realization that he’s going to be in the room with you the entire time. You know it shouldn’t affect you so much- he’s doing a nice thing, he’s a nice guy. He probably doesn’t even think about that night anymore, so why can’t you get it out of your head? Why can’t you stop thinking about him bending you over that desk and-

“Y/N?” Dean snaps you out of your thoughts. You blush like mad knowing what you were just thinking about. “Here’s my extra laptop. I’m already signed in on email.”

“Thanks.” You weakly smile at him, taking a seat on the leather couch while you grab the laptop from his hands.

You’re not sure if only you’re feeling it, but the tension in the room is overbearing. His hand lingers a little too long on yours while he passes you the laptop, his smile lasting a little too long to be friendly. Maybe it is just you, but the elephant in the room is prominent and seemingly not fading away.

You clear your throat as you tear your stare away from him, his actions mirroring yours. He walks over to his desk as if nothing just happened, immediately opening up his other laptop to begin to grade the number of essays he has.

Once you open up his email, your mind immediately goes into work mode. You’re able to send Dr. Garth and reply to all of the student emails within an hour, leaving you with only two tasks to finish.

“Where do you want your laptop at?” You ask, closing the top. “I finished.”

“Huh? Oh, just leave it on the couch.” Dean doesn’t even look up from his computer. You notice how concentrated he looks; his bright green eyes glued to the screen as he bites on the tip of his pencil, his lips pink and plump, essentially looking way more sexy than he should. It’s a sight you never knew you needed to see until now.

“Jesus…” You mumble under your breath. Dean looks up at you, catching you staring at him. His lips, only for a slight second, curl up into a smile. Only for a second, and if you hadn’t been already analyzing his face, you would’ve probably missed it.

“Something wrong, Y/N?”

“Nope.” You say all too quickly. “I’m just gonna go work on the bookshelves now.”

You don’t give him time to reply before you look away from him, setting the laptop down beside you and walking over to the bookshelves. Dean wasn’t lying when he said that they’re really unorganized- it’s a mess. Half of them are lying down, stack up upon each other, and the other half are just randomly thrown about.

“Aren’t professors supposed to be really organized?” You say, beginning to take all of the books off. You’re going to have to start fresh.

“I’m a bit of a rule breaker.” Dean laughs, and your heart flutters at the sound.

What the fuck is wrong with you? Getting all giddy from hearing his laugh? You feel like you’re in high school all over again, crushing on that one hot upperclassman who probably had only talked to you once.

“I can see that.” You tease.

“You want to take a break? Get some dinner or something? We could go get pizza, or even order some in if you want. I know you had classes before this, and we’ve already been here for a while. Don’t want to starve my assistant on the first day.” Dean says, taking you by surprise.

“Are you sure? I know you have a lot to grade, and I don’t want to be the reason you don’t get it done.” You shrug, trying to act nonchalant. Despite your ever growing attraction to the man, you do not want to get dinner with him. It’s bound to only skyrocket your feelings, which is something you absolutely don’t want to happen. Besides, isn’t getting dinner together a little too much for a professor and his student? Nevertheless, you can’t outright tell Dean no, that you don’t want to get dinner with him. It’d sound rude.

You’re over-thinking this way too much.

“Trust me, I could use the break too.” Dean pushes his chair away from his desk. “So what’s the plan? Order in? Go out?”

“I guess we could just order in.” You suggest. “I don’t want people getting the wrong idea…”

“I get it.” Dean nods, and you could swear you saw a look of hurt flash across his face. “No need to explain. What kind of pizza do you like? I’m ordering you your own. I eat an entire one myself.”

“Pepperoni is fine. Tell me how much I owe you after you order it.” You pull your phone out of your purse, checking the time. Almost six. By the time you finish eating, complete your tasks, and drive home it’ll probably be close to nine, and you still have a shit ton of homework to get done. Thank god you don’t have classes tomorrow, or you’d be exhausted.

“It’s on me.” Dean shakes his head. “You need help with homework or anything while we’re waiting for our pizza?”

“Unless you know anything about computational calc, nope.” You snort. “It sucks. The only reason I’m even taking that class is because of general education requirements. Same reason I’m taking yours. No offense. If it makes you feel better, though, I like Greek Mythology a whole lot more than calculus.”

“Yeah, there’s a reason I’m not a math professor.” He laughs, getting up and sitting next to you on the couch. “Math was never my strong sort. I barely passed algebra. Greek mythology, on the other hand, is the most interesting thing in the world to me. All the monsters, the gods, the truly terrifying shit from your nightmares… Maybe I’m just a nerd, I don’t know. Maybe in another life, I was a monster hunter or something.”

“Yeah, maybe.” You smile. “I think it’s pretty cool how passionate you are about it, though. It definitely shows whenever you teach.”

“You know, that means a lot. Thank you.” His hand goes to touch your thigh, gripping onto it lightly. He retracts his hand once he realizes what he’s done, clearing his throat. “So, pizza. I should probably order it.”

“Yeah, good idea.” You stutter out. He gets up off the couch swiftly, pulling his phone out to dial the number of whichever pizza place he’s ordering from.

You watch him as he paces around the room while talking on the phone, barely believing that that just happened. You’re absolutely certain now that he can feel the tension between the two of you as well- it’s not just you. And now, the tension has only grown higher.

What are you getting yourself into?

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cosmosogler · 7 years

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after this many instances, i can’t tell if being dressed up like an ice cream cone just makes my day horrible or if being dressed up like an ice cream cone is what makes me feel a little sillier after a horrible day.

i dunno. pastel colors are just cheerful. i like these shorts and they only go with the ice cream shirt and the pokemon shirt.

well. i tried to sleep early last night but i was kept awake by, hmm, the usual sort of memories that make your eyes snap open when you’re laying alone in the dark. snoop won’t protect me the way i know eve would. i could feel the, just... heaviness wearing into my face as i tried to settle in and get some sleep.

it keeps me up a lot of nights. weird things set it off. laying in certain positions. unpredictable trains of thought, or maybe my thoughts just get derailed every now and then. certain noises. makes it hard to get comfortable.

i don’t have to “bury the hatchet” with dad if he doesn’t acknowledge there even is a hatchet, right? because his behavior during the family vacation was unacceptable and he never said even one word about it except to be passive aggressive the last month at home.

i wonder if mom notices that i ask about my brother and sister and the dogs but not dad. honestly i don’t really care how he’s doing... i don’t have energy to devote to things i don’t care about and i don’t have the energy to pretend i do care either.

i actually don’t usually ask mother how she is doing either. i feel like that’s a bad habit to get into. i really don’t have any other resources right now though. since i’m three hours ahead of my family now i really can’t... find any good time of day to call my siblings and chat with them. not that i was talking to them that much at home anyway...

anyway i went to school. i left at 7:55, which is TECHNICALLY before 8. i had woken up while it was still dark, 6:30... it was hard to get moving.

no one was at the department when i got there except people who were actively teaching classes so i sat at my desk and tried to power through the quantum homework by myself. i did get a little help with the problem i had trouble with last night from an internet acquaintance, and i did the third and fourth problems by myself with not too much trouble.

jennica came into the office about 10 minutes before class and i asked her for help. she pointed out what i should focus on and i compared it to algebra distribution and she said “not at all.” then she proceeded to describe how to do the problem using algebra distribution and i got annoyed but i didn’t say anything at the time. quibbling about what to call the thing i was doing cost me time i needed. i tried to do the rest between mechanics and quantum and didn’t get it done. i had to turn it in anyway. i was a little over halfway through it. at least i ha all the other problems done.

after quantum i was hanging out with the other students in suzanne’s office and we were talking about how to manipulate operators because the professor had not been clear on what exactly he was doing when he showed us some stuff at the end of class. he’d skipped a step or two and we were trying to kind of reverse engineer his final equation. jennica disagreed with us about where we could put the operator, even though it was clearly shown in the book. then she started doing the exact same thing we had just done on the blackboard and continued to disagree with us while using the math we had just used. i got that angry static in my head so i went out to try to eat some lunch in my office.

i know she’s probably smarter than i am, or at least a more consistent worker, but it’s frustrating to argue with someone who agrees with you but won’t consciously agree with you. and it’s frustrating to argue with someone when you’re using facts from the textbook with the page open and they are saying “no, that’s wrong.” and then not explaining why they think that.

but she got the homework done and i didn’t. so.

anyway i was checking my emails while i was unpacking my lunchbox and i found the email from the physics adviser.

(aside- i instinctively spell it “advisor” and i can’t figure out why because every spellcheck keeps correcting me. i looked it up on google and the dictionary says either is fine but i don’t like the red line.)

so my test scores were so bad that i had to meet with him in less than two hours to discuss “schedule adjustments.” i responded the responsible way: by freaking the hell out. i paced around in my office for about 30 minutes before i gave up on trying to sit down and i went out to the counseling center for my group intake appointment. i also stopped by the pharmacy. and i tried to call mom four times. she didn’t answer. i talked to oz about it a little bit while i was walking and waiting at the center.

i know, deep down, that in my field any sign of weakness or inconsistency is basically death. getting sick will get you laid off when finances get low. being a woman will get you laid off when finances get low because if you’re a woman you have to be exceptional to be considered average. (white) men with the very same qualifications get priority.

i do not have the advantage of good health. i just don’t. this seriously hurts my ability to perform on a rigorous class schedule. this is why i think that i may not... get my phd. i am afraid that knowing i might not get it is what will cause me to not get it. i’m afraid that the lack of confidence is going to be the deciding factor here. but i can’t not know about this. it’s a very real handicap for me. when i am too stressed for too long my internal organs start permanently shutting down apparently.

ha ha, in a few years i’m not going to have any non-vital organs left. probably.

during my intake interview i started crying and said i was very unhappy today. i felt really bad for taking this interview and making it about this upcoming talk with the advisor. i had brought up that one of my goals for group would be to make the transition to graduate life... at that point i was worried about it still being “graduate” by the end of the day though.

you know, when i went to the pharmacy, i kept telling myself “i’m not going to need those later” in an effort to talk myself out of refilling my medications. i’m not going to need those later, it doesn’t matter, nothing means anything.

when i looked at the front door i sighed and said to myself, “but i will need them later, won’t i.” and that heaviness fell over my entire body again. i’m not afraid to die as much as i am afraid to survive.

mom finally called back as i was leaving to get to the advisor’s office back in the physics department. i told mom what was going on and she said “well, talk to him then!” and i dunno, i felt so brushed aside. i didn’t tell her i was afraid of losing my tuition waiver or my paycheck because of the change in course credits or whatever was going to happen.

the professor was very nice as usual. he did tell me that my prelim results were extremely worrying. i actually almost passed the thermo portion of the test, but i got essentially a 0 in literally every other subject. he wanted me to drop down into undergrad courses for two out of my three subjects. it ended up that undergrad quantum meets exactly during my classical mechanics lecture, so i got to stay in graduate quantum. he said that was very risky. i told him it wasn’t that i was deciding to take a risk so much as that looked like it was just how it was going to be. he said yeah.

he was nice about it... he told me that once the university had taken on a graduate student they couldn’t just screw them immediately and that he and the board had put a lot of effort into adjusting my schedule to make sure i had a chance to succeed. and retaking one graduate course next year won’t put me too behind schedule. but if i don’t get a b+ or higher in any of the courses i’m taking now i would be in a lot of trouble schedule-wise and gpa standard-wise.

i dunno. i feel like i didn’t actually have any control over any part of this situation. i feel like i got cheated out of the potential to do well on that test by my eight-month illness. i feel like i should have kept going anyway even though i could only eat so little that i had even lost a lot of weight.

feeling cheated is the worst. or, one of the worsts.

i feel like i don’t have any control over the direction my life is going in. i mean... i’m making choices, i’m making a lot of them every day and lots of compromises and calculations. but big picture wise i am severely limited by how sick i get and by how dumb i am. i didn’t have any choice about how my schedule was going to change. i didn’t have any choice in which grad school i got to go to.

i guess i made the choice to go to grad school at all. 2 choices is NOT very many though.

i chose to cough up a pile of money for snoopy’s well-being. mike told me that it is worth it, cats will definitely live longer if they are on the prescription diet after they get kidney disease. snoopy doesn’t have a lot of control over her life. i try to give her some say in what happens. i ask to pet her, i stop brushing if she doesn’t want to even if she’s still kinda grimy. it’s sometimes easier to figure out what cats do and don’t want than it is to figure that out with dogs.

i’m not gonna compensate for the lack of control in my life by grabbing snoopy’s though. i’m just trying to recognize that i can work within some parameters. even if i’m not happy about the way my academic life is already falling apart around me 10 days into the semester.

so i got a new e&m class and professor with the undergrads. his teaching style is a mess but i already know the material very well from this part of the course. i’m kind of surprised and shocked that he is doing this part of the course so early- why aren’t they working on point charges and forces BEFORE they do flux and green’s theorem and stuff like that?

he asked me to meet with him tomorrow after lunch. so i’ll be doing that i guess. i need to look up his course web page and syllabus...

after class i was feeling REALLY bad so i went home. i said hi to snoopy and cleaned her litter box and sat around for a while. then i made spaghetti for dinner. it was missing something, and i’m not sure what it was, but i know i didn’t have it anyway. i’m thinking i should use a different kind of marinara sauce.

then i ate a ton of oreos and listened to a taz episode. it was really good... the podcast, i mean. the oreos had gotten a little stale. i forget that it’s humid here and food ages differently.

i had meant to get to some homework from my to-do list but i spent the night diddling around on the computer doing basically nothing instead. i also had ice cream because i just really wasn’t feeling good at all emotionally and i wanted sugar.

tomorrow i need to teach two labs in a row!!! hopefully it will go better than my first one, which did not go well at all!!!!!

i’m not sure how to proceed here. i didn’t really... read anything tonight. like the lab manual, which i did want to brush up on before i tried to teach the lab again. there was all kinds of weird stuff in there that we didn’t do in the practice lab last thursday and i wanted to be more familiar with it. maybe i can do that before i leave tomorrow. i’ll try to get up a little earlier...

man, i don’t want to sleep at all. i remembered my dream last night. i kept getting talked over by neckbearded dudes. i couldn’t do anything without getting interrupted, and also i was in a part of “dirt college town” that i had never been in before and it was difficult at best to navigate. at the end i was wandering around in a swamp (which was also in a computer?) and there were the nerds trying to “find secrets” and also there was a bear. i wanted to be alone i think. well, i do now.

#tw suicide

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t--o--f--u-blog · 5 years

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☼☼☼☼☼ also think tank a white lecturer using the n-word when quoting literature in a lecture? I think she used it once outside of quotation as well certainly not meant in a disrespectful way, just seems unnecessary

☐☐☐☐☐ better have a justification at least but if you just use it out of the blue it always seems like some attempt at provocation 'i can say this because my interests are purely academic'

☼☼☼☼☼ mmmmm we're reading uncle tom's cabin, so it's hard to avoid

☐☐☐☐☐ should only be quoted verbatim if absolutely necessary, if there's no alternative I think

☼☼☼☼☼ yeah seems like she could have avoided it pretty easily

☐☐☐☐☐ if she's making no acknowledgement of the word's relationship to her privilege, that's rly not good

☼☼☼☼☼ yeah she's older so there might just be an outdated perspective there 'I'm just quoting the text, it was anti-slavery so I'm fine' sort of mentality maybe?

☐☐☐☐☐ still she would know about the contemporary attitude to the word and she should at least mention that! ugh like it doesn't sound malicious or super super racist, but eh

☼☼☼☼☼ Yeah I feel iffffy about it

☐☐☐☐☐ should mention it!

☼☼☼☼☼ Trying to work out if I should send email and if so how to word it

☐☐☐☐☐ mm

☍☍☍☍☍ be interesting to actually properly discuss it

☐☐☐☐☐ yep

☍☍☍☍☍ heck I’d be interested to know more of a history of the word basically teach properly why its offensive

☼☼☼☼☼ Yeah, I might bring it up in the tutorial different teacher, but maybe good discussion

☐☐☐☐☐ mm that seems appropriate i'd love to hear how that goes

☍☍☍☍☍ uhhh there was someone who used it at Bar Oussou the host reallllly should’ve said something and I normally would but just too tired for confrontation

☼☼☼☼☼ Yeah ☐☐☐☐☐ was telling me Sounded very cringe

☐☐☐☐☐ v unfortunate most disappointed in yhe host tbh

☐☐☐☐☐ he maybe had a old-worldy attitude to it and didn't mind or was too cowardly lol which do u think?

☍☍☍☍☍ I think he thought it was in the context of the poem she didn’t use it to degrade someone directly, but the word itself is degrading

☐☐☐☐☐ ugh but the poem is in the context of fuckin oussou yep ppl need to have a think before using words

☍☍☍☍☍ I just think its great to have a stage to do emotional work, but it can cross a line into normalising shitty white behaviour

☐☐☐☐☐ mm

☍☍☍☍☍ I went to a coloured school so I can’t b racist wah wah wah

☐☐☐☐☐ and you have to consider your audience if your rant is dehumanising or brushes aside/causes suffering u gotta reconsider felt pretty ashamed on behalf of bartender/various black audience members not saying that dumb white shit would be acceptable with a different audience, but her obliviousness was kinda astounding

☼☼☼☼☼ wow yeah cringefest

☍☍☍☍☍ lol spoken word scene as a whole can b so lame haha rings true to why I/we left

☐☐☐☐☐ mm so macho! that's what I liked about talkbox some sensitivity there, gentleness

☍☍☍☍☍ still, I just wish people read more lok *lol

☐☐☐☐☐ yep I wish I read more

☍☍☍☍☍ like the stylistic range is generally pretty lame

☐☐☐☐☐ I guess that's why anyone reads mmm

☍☍☍☍☍ I wish I read more too

☐☐☐☐☐ hahahaha

☼☼☼☼☼ :')

☍☍☍☍☍ don’t mean to shit on everyon, I just think the scene as a whole and the conception of poetry is lacklustre - it doesn’t seem like the time for poetry, sometimes

☐☐☐☐☐ mm

☍☍☍☍☍ ppl too distracted by netflix uwu sounds like phones but too much

☐☐☐☐☐ doesn't seem like the time for art, sometimes! hahhh

☍☍☍☍☍ its definitely a time for music

☼☼☼☼☼ I think there's a place for poetry It's just raps and memes

☍☍☍☍☍ yeh but I play dat long game there might not b a place now but I’mma fkn make one whether you like it or not lol

☼☼☼☼☼ Oh yeah fair go 4 it

☐☐☐☐☐ loll

☍☍☍☍☍ I just mean that I think 'poetry' has evolved into other forms, and now the traditional form is struggling to find a place I mean does anyone pay attention to Victorian satirical cartoons? I don’t I think it’s also tho that the low brow is more apparent in the moment, the high brow more apparent from a distance the shit sinks, basically

☼☼☼☼☼ elaborate?

☍☍☍☍☍ time brings forward higher brow material while a lot of lower brow stuff falls back or like there’s an art for getting through your days, and there’s an art for elaborate long form spiritual liberation

☼☼☼☼☼ so u don't mind about a lack of audience now if your work has staying power?

☍☍☍☍☍ different works have different digestion time and yes that is what I’m saying

☼☼☼☼☼ hmmmmmmm

☍☍☍☍☍ hmmmmmmmm?

☐☐☐☐☐ personally I don't know whether I'm prioritising the reception of my work or its value to me right now i feel poetry/art in general are useful tools for thinking about the world useful philosophical tools i guess and idk whether i'm learning for the sake of my own knowledge/making 'better' art or learning so what I put out into the world is better received I suppose the two aren't mutually exclusive but yeah - feeling fairly indifferent to the idea of creating work that will persist right now part of me feels more comfortable with being lost forever lol or at least that I should become comfortable with that, bc that is what will happen inevitably

☍☍☍☍☍ I just think in this atmosphere of complete denial of the arts as an important component of society, as well as the stigmatisation of ritual and other mystical practices that used to house what we now might describe as an artist, its important that we follow our intuition rather than give in to a system that routinely prevents us having access to basic resources like I want to be there for whoever is there when this period comes to end and those peoples are looking for anything to rudder them, whether or not I’m alive

☐☐☐☐☐ you want to add to the cultural record?

☍☍☍☍☍ I want provide a map for future generations is how I would put it

☐☐☐☐☐ mm how do you feel one can ensure the persistence of their own work? or are you just hoping it'll be around for others I suppose whether or not anything lasts is out of ur control past a certain point

☍☍☍☍☍ for one I make an effort to give away a lot of work

☐☐☐☐☐ mm

☍☍☍☍☍ I also store it all and make sure that that stockpile is kept w care but I also think there’s something to be said that I try and operate within many pre-existing canons I also it’s important to use the more meme-y, short stay work to bring attention to the slower works yeah, re: canons, like tanka and before that wakka as poetic forms stem back as far as a thousand years - perhaps more by putting myself in conversation with the ancients... idk it feels a bit like entering a cultural refrigerator haha

☐☐☐☐☐ mm

☍☍☍☍☍ sometimes I find it better to see my individual works as modules that make up a whole more prescient than its parts (Morton lolz) soo... maybe my work won’t carry the same weight until I finish, so to speak who knowsss but this how I think about it lol

☐☐☐☐☐ best to try and contribute something I spose rather than do nothing w ur resources

☍☍☍☍☍ I’m weird with this shit u don’t have to be

☐☐☐☐☐ mm it seems fairly simple to me and not that weird

☍☍☍☍☍ not everyone should spend their life tending their gravestone it’s a job for a particular type of person, and I am it

☐☐☐☐☐ but in a sense everyone does anyway everyone does things with the future in mind or without it in mind I suppose

☐☐☐☐☐ and i guess that influences what you leave when you die eheh, whether you do it consciously or unconsciously

☍☍☍☍☍ I just am particularly stubborn that I have something to offer - I think its partially a result of being denied that a lot in school, I found other ways to have social bonds that were more... non linear bonds with past peoples, and inadvertently bonds with future people

☐☐☐☐☐ mm

☍☍☍☍☍ I find it frustrating that its seen as arrogant to suggest your work should be read after you die - if anything its remarkably humble as I'm acknowledging that I will never properly see the fruits of my labour it's a ridiculously isolating position to find oneself in, where your best friends - books, music, content - have no form of human intimacy with you and completely defy all survivalistic, lizard-brain humanity plus you're just on a total different dimension from most people you meet

☐☐☐☐☐ mm you're in a very specific position here

☍☍☍☍☍ lol goodluck catching up ☼☼☼☼☼

☼☼☼☼☼ unrelated btw

(☼☼☼☼☼ posts a meme in chat)

☍☍☍☍☍ see y'all @ da rally (in reference to the meme)

☐☐☐☐☐ where and when is this? oh oops thought you meant a real one

☼☼☼☼☼ hahaha

☍☍☍☍☍ xD

☼☼☼☼☼ structurally is the meme ok ? took the photo the other day, and just added the text.

☍☍☍☍☍ yes are u going to weigh in on the conversation tho lol

☼☼☼☼☼ nah not really

☍☍☍☍☍ meme fine

☼☼☼☼☼ I have so little to add

☍☍☍☍☍ well hm why make memes? why not write novel? do memes have staying power?

☐☐☐☐☐ it's a question of what timescale is important to you at any given time maybe

☍☍☍☍☍ oh absolutely - not trying to infer a hierarchy here, I just think there are different approaches for different problems

☐☐☐☐☐ sometimes I'll say something to someone so they'll remember it for tomorrow, sometimes I'll say something to someone and hope they'll remember forever lol mm I don't think I care about staying power that much

☐☐☐☐☐ memes have such a short lifetime, they're like cultural mayflies haha

☼☼☼☼☼ Yeah defs

☍☍☍☍☍ why tho lol

☼☼☼☼☼ Because the art itself can date while still inspiring change

☍☍☍☍☍ yeah so using it pragmatically like a single use tissue

☼☼☼☼☼ If you create something short lived, it (with the help of other artists producing similar work) is able to push art and society in a specific direction The butterfly effect I guess

☍☍☍☍☍ it's true that you have more effect in the current conversation

☐☐☐☐☐ mm

☍☍☍☍☍ but that conversation draws intensively on a language formed by the ancients so the two are dependent on each other, a back and forth

☐☐☐☐☐ and that's dependent on their work's longevity?

☍☍☍☍☍ not following ur question

☐☐☐☐☐ not following your point haha hmm

☼☼☼☼☼ so you're suggesting a works longevity is crucial in that it helps reinforce and update the ancient language in which short term work of the future will be influenced by?

☐☐☐☐☐ mm also - what if of all the work you make, it's only a meme that survives the passage of time?

☍☍☍☍☍ basically... like you're just reiterating points that have been made more in depth in 'higher' brow culture - that's definitely how I feel when writing raps

☐☐☐☐☐ like Roman graffiti surviving on the walls or whatever

☍☍☍☍☍ did you a hear copy of the I Ching, the Chinese numerology classic more than a thousand years old, was found in the 70s and had a heap more sections and a different order? effectively completely changing the understanding of the I Ching gotta get those nice lead storage chambers ayyyyy ahahaha it was found buried in a coffin, obvs haha

☐☐☐☐☐ mm

☍☍☍☍☍ a lot of Chinese philosophers only exist in so much as someone else described them

☼☼☼☼☼ But what does that changing of contexts of that piece actually mean for us? Is updated Ching from the coffin helping us in any way?

☍☍☍☍☍ I think for me finding the I Ching and looking over it is like a person in a thousand years finding a functional iPhone it gives great insight into human impulses regardless of time and offers a way of writing the past a new, which in turn presents a new future (thinking of the cowboy article you sent me) reconceptualizing the past IS the future look at 'Make America Great Again' or calls to restore the caliphate both are founded on histories that have more to do with our current state than the actual happenings of the past

☼☼☼☼☼ I do see where you're coming from I like the idea that it's important to preserve our work for understand the past better And I hope that someone in the future will have a clearer understanding of our time through your well preserved works But what fucking future is it

☍☍☍☍☍ haha but like looking back we see people been asking that for a veeery long time I get it seems on a new scale but we're on a new scale too

☼☼☼☼☼ It does seem that yes Also if we do survive and keep on teching on

☍☍☍☍☍ I'm for an integration of the human/natural binary where we properly acknowledge our mutual codependency, the earth and humanity that is

☼☼☼☼☼ Are we even going to be translatable? Is the functioning iPhone found by the future person going to even be able to be translated? Or will it be meaningless because everyone is already part of the grid

☍☍☍☍☍ where artificially effecting the climate for the benefit of 'nature' isn't seen as strange but completely akin to Aboriginal burn back practices

☐☐☐☐☐ i guess it's productive to hope that it will be translatable

☍☍☍☍☍ we've always interfered in the running of nature

☐☐☐☐☐ mm

☍☍☍☍☍ ehhh idk we translated fucking hieroglyphics

☼☼☼☼☼ Or future tech can look into the past and someone is watching our lives as we type this now, constantly being understood through our context in a way we can't comprehend through our recording processes shrugs

☍☍☍☍☍ I mean yeah, imagine if the internet was even vaguely archived

☼☼☼☼☼ You probably have a better understanding of how the future will pan out than I do tho

☍☍☍☍☍ even if 0.1 % was kept, it would be a massive resource

☼☼☼☼☼ No sass intended there, I'm sincere

☍☍☍☍☍ lol idk I just try to see a bigger picture and it keeps me calm remember me old saying? we survived the plague and nukes lol

☼☼☼☼☼ I just don't see the issue with creating short term work, especially if it is preserved

☍☍☍☍☍ oh neither do I

☼☼☼☼☼ Like a meme may have more impact than a novel rn

☐☐☐☐☐ well it could be argued that we're yet to survive nukes but I see your point impact on various timescales

☼☼☼☼☼ I've heard the plague make be thinking of making a comeback too haha

☐☐☐☐☐ mm

☍☍☍☍☍ oh duh peasantry is fully hip rn

☐☐☐☐☐ but like

☍☍☍☍☍ bring back the boils, they look great with my Balenciaga sneakers

☐☐☐☐☐ lol bubonic chic

☼☼☼☼☼ Pretty close to heroin chic tbh haha

☍☍☍☍☍ not jking that was tb

☐☐☐☐☐ but like, I don't find a huge amount of solace in the fact that we survived the plague

☍☍☍☍☍ "The Victorians romanticized the disease and the effects it caused in the gradual build to death. For decades, many beauty standards emulated or highlighted these effects. And as scientists gained greater understanding of the disease and how it was spread, the disease continued to keep its hold on fashion. and the severity of the corsets was known to harm the lungs in such a way that would increase the likelihood of transmission LOOOL

☐☐☐☐☐ mm Balenciaga look out idk it's a question of what capacity we survive in

☼☼☼☼☼ lollllll

☐☐☐☐☐ quite depressing to think about

☍☍☍☍☍ eating disorders have a pretense

☐☐☐☐☐ what if ecocide leaves a few insular eco fascist regimes who gradually diminish over centuries always engaged in pointless wars of attrition with one another lol

☍☍☍☍☍ I mean you could probably say the same thing of colonial regimes now

☐☐☐☐☐ just because we can survive, doesn't mean my outlook should b at all rosy :((

☍☍☍☍☍ point is its a big ol' world that has plenty of room for pain AND love any future pain you think is imminent probably already is happening, and nonetheless breakfast tasted good this morning

☼☼☼☼☼ 'The hipster middle class would dress with raggedy beards and large jackets and refuse to use deodorant, perhaps to reflect the look of people suffering from homelessness at the time. It is suspected that this made them less likely to be hired, and therefore more likely to become homeless themselves.' ☍☍☍☍☍ ahahaha

☐☐☐☐☐ mm that's true hahhh

☼☼☼☼☼ Planning on making this into a full essay. Might not be popular now, but I think it has staying power? Soz for shitposting haha

☍☍☍☍☍ I was talking with ☲☲☲☲☲ a while back, and something struck me - she said, "I never thought this age would have its own fleet of particular medical conditions." (or something like that lol, translated via my nerd brain)

☼☼☼☼☼ Yeah that didn't quite sound like her But that sentiment is great

☍☍☍☍☍ 'fleet'

☼☼☼☼☼ In that ofc there is, but also wow yeah ofc!

☐☐☐☐☐ mmm hahh these conversations should be recorded so we can all think about em without scrolling up endlessly

☼☼☼☼☼ I do like the idea of people reading these works in the future tho

☐☐☐☐☐ and also so that they can be preserved for 10,000+ years of course

☼☼☼☼☼ In the same way we read the letters sent between dead artists now

☐☐☐☐☐ mm very true

☍☍☍☍☍ mmm

☐☐☐☐☐ messenger is not a particularly stable storage medium and also is more vulnerable to third party scrutiny although the fact we're reading artists letters now means that medium is also pretty fucking vulnerable to scrutiny lol

☍☍☍☍☍ I fucking found the word! (sorry was searching for it so hard) Neurasthenia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neurasthenia

☼☼☼☼☼ Americanitis lol

☍☍☍☍☍ uhh the page doesn't rly talk about this, but its like a condition of over-working effectively, and people would try and get prescribed the pills to treat it as a way of signalling they were a dedicated worker its total hokey

☐☐☐☐☐ wow yeah you mentioned this a while back

☼☼☼☼☼ oh I've heard a similar thing in Japan were workers will pretend to fall asleep at their desks to show how hard they're working No idea the trust behind it tho

☍☍☍☍☍ to this day, "In Japan, shinkei-suijaku is treated with Morita therapy involving mandatory rest and isolation, followed by progressively more difficult work, and a resumption of a previous social role. The diagnosis is sometimes used as a disguise for serious mental illnesses such as schizophrenia and mood disorders." a dignified mental illness uwu none of that lower class shit I'm a classy fuck with money, I don't get the same mental conditions as the poor lolol reminds me of now: I don't have shitty parents, I just have adhd (not to deligitimise all uses of adhd, just over diagnosed)

☼☼☼☼☼ mmmmm i feel u yes this has been a wild ride

☍☍☍☍☍ yes I’m leaving to get late lunch uwu have a good day in this cosmic spider web lololol

☼☼☼☼☼ :')

☍☍☍☍☍ Like the burning of this charcoal fire, our years too will soon expire Kobayashi Issa listening to Krista Tippet talk with Maria Popova, this particular phrase resonated with our conversation: we live in a world where disruption over-fetishised; we need cultural stewardship to help along new waves of disruption

☼☼☼☼☼ How would u define cultural stewardship in a practical sense?

☍☍☍☍☍ caring for the legacy of those past as a means of refreshing their insight for a new age a very straightforward example would b the importance of new translations, in this regard - as our understanding and depth of connection to Japanese society has deepened, so too have our translations dusting off the books so to speak in some sense I see that in our music too or reappropriating to a new context

☼☼☼☼☼ Well remasters are a time terry literal example Fuck

☍☍☍☍☍ time terry

☼☼☼☼☼ Pretty* not time terry lol

☼☼☼☼☼ lime berry yeah exactly

☼☼☼☼☼ Slime Jerry

☍☍☍☍☍ I mean rereleasing is an obvs example mhm but more abstract examples are how I’ve exported into both your brains Bridle/Steyerl/Haraway via conversation and art lolol I’m helping it move from one place to another same w Zappa lol

☐☐☐☐☐ also - looking after artist friends being generous I feel these are acts of pre-emptive cultural stewardship

☍☍☍☍☍ haha yeah definitely different time scales it could function on

☐☐☐☐☐ looking after and maintain communities

☍☍☍☍☍ hosting open mics lol helping teach ppl poetry lollll

☐☐☐☐☐ not allowing hate speech to creep into open mics lol

☼☼☼☼☼ Truuuuu Or anywhere for that matter

☐☐☐☐☐ not becoming so dusty that you actually have a detrimental impact on cultural progression

☍☍☍☍☍ I think religions only exist in so far as they have active practitioners

☐☐☐☐☐ mm

☼☼☼☼☼ Tru

☍☍☍☍☍ I think my sense is, in religion, this same argument plays out with orthodoxy versus mysticism Maintenance of buildings is in there too for religion People being assigned paid positions as the keepers and givers of religious knowledge oh yeah thinking a lot here of Shanzai, ☐☐☐☐☐, and the idea of an object as a lived practice

☐☐☐☐☐ when home I'm gonna do my best to archive this conversation mmm

☍☍☍☍☍ you’re going to steward our conversation bout stewardship ...

☐☐☐☐☐ this is all going in

☍☍☍☍☍ ...the tv where I am says “The comedian getting behind ‘Know Thy Nuts’” and there are big walnuts on the screen

☐☐☐☐☐ ???????

☍☍☍☍☍ “I didn’t realise chemotherapy would be such great comedic material!”

☐☐☐☐☐ ¿¿¿¿¿¿

☼☼☼☼☼ Huhhhh

☍☍☍☍☍ lol highly recommend https://itunes.apple.com/au/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?mt=2&i=1000429408054https://itunes.apple.com/au/podcast/on-being-with-krista-tippett/id150892556?mt=2&i=1000429408054

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wishingfornever · 6 years

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10/5/17 – No Contact: The Rerun Post

Currently, it’s 1 in the morning. Just did the dishes. Max’s food bowls were filthy. Now they should be clean enough to use for water. Which will be great for him. I guess I’ll stay up a bit longer. After all, it shouldn’t hurt.

I’ve been thinking of you lately. A lot more then usual. Not sure why. As I was doing the dishes, you were all I could think about. Was thinking about you earlier, too. Back when it was still the fourth of October. Shane messaged me when I was thinking about you. I was so happy because I thought you messaged me. A bit disappointed, but I’m alright otherwise. My mood has been… less happy since I started thinking about you lately. You’re probably not good for me. Or I don’t like what’s happened to us or how it happened. Specifically how. I want to give Dennis a piece of my mind for what he did. Not just to you and me but to Shane and Jeremiah. Maybe to Daniel. He’s been pretty mean with everyone but you this entire time. And with you, he’s basically sabotaging your life. Not even being disingenuous, either.

I have more hair on my face since I started controlling my diet and exercising. I haven’t missed a day since I got here which is saying something because I sometimes missed days back in CA. Lassen might literally be cursed.

I should sleep now so if I wake up early enough I can get my chapter done. I hate to say it but the exercising is kind of a hindrance. I’m starting to manage it better but I don’t have enough time during the day. Worse yet, I promise Shane I’ll play video games with him. I don’t want to play video games, I want to write my book and then read it and then edit it and then publish it! >< Fuck, I’m going to be busy. When I’m finished with the book, I’m going to begin Rosetta Stone lessons. If you decide to come down, maybe you should take them to. I think you’d be a beautiful bilinguist. ;)

Still upset with all the things Dennis is doing. He is protecting you, I’ll give him that, but the thing is he’s protecting you for his own wants and desires. He doesn’t care about you. And that’s a shame. I encourage you to ask him anything of what you told him in idle chatter from weeks ago. He won’t remember it in person. Of course, he’ll say, “I’m sorry, I smoke a lot of pot” which is probably true. However, he smokes less than you do. Yeah, I’ve learned a lot. Like how someone saw him with your phone while you were getting super high. He said, “Oh, didn’t realize it was hers” and walked off. I won’t tell you who because then that’ll be even more drama if you do read this. Just know he isn’t the most trustworthy. Besides, I was asked not to tell you. So, I guess I can’t tell you… Not even in the journal. :/ Maybe I will. Or maybe you won’t ask because you already know. Difficult to keep things secret in such a small house. Then again, I revealed Shane’s thing… Ugh… I’m a bad friend. >< Whatever. I’ll be more mindful now. Shane actually asked who I told that. Did I tell you? Yeah, seems Dennis thought Shane was talking shit about him when I told Daniel that Dennis was STILL talking shit about me. Yeah, Dennis is paranoid as fuck. Might be the pot. It’s probably the pot. Whatever… not my problem. It’s yours. Again, if you decide to come back I’ve spoken to Adela. And I decided to check places where you can get a GED and there were several nearby. We could DEFINITELY take you in. Thing is, Adela is hesitant. Not because of what’s happened. Mostly because I think this isn’t temporary, at least not in comparison of what we were before. And she does intend to have family over. And other. If you’re here, we might have to find an apartment. I kind of don’t want to. Not because I don’t want to live on my own but because then I’ll have to invest in a BUNCH of fucking shit and I intend to move out of the country, with or without you. Yeah, that’s right. Even if you’re here, I still intend to leave the country. With or without you. Again, I have my own ambitions. I’d like you to be there with me but I’m not holding my breath. Even if we do meet up again, I’m not expecting you to move out of the country with me. Probably not what you meant when you said “Moving on.” Moving on isn’t a relationship thing for me. It’s a life thing. I’m focusing ENTIRELY on my life right now. My life doesn’t need you in it to continue. It doesn’t need anything but food, water, and shelter. But, that’s minimalist. I’d like to have a TV. To have internet. To have you. Speaking of you, I’m backtracking a little. Shane called you a whore. I was uncomfortable with that. You called yourself a whore. I’m uncomfortable with that. I wish people were more respectful towards you. You’re not a whore. It was one person. Big fucking deal, the problem isn’t volume but context. Dennis is a piece of shit. You are gullible but you’re not a whore. If you call yourself a whore around me, I’m going to lecture you. Stop it.

Sorry, that really bothers me. I really shouldn’t care, but I’ve invested in your image. I’m going to protect it. -,-

Speaking of image, you can continue your porn here. That’d be nice. Nicer. If I lose a bunch of weight, I’ll be more comfortable being in your porn. Ironically, I haven’t seen any porn since I left. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve fapped but my problem is I was thinking of you. I fap to my memories. ><

That’s okay. Less viruses and malware that way.

I miss you. My mood has soured a little bit, but I don’t have time to be pulled down. Next week, I’ll be getting a job. It’s already thursday. UGH!!! Dammit. I need to redo my resume. And I’ll have to wake up and go to work. I’ll also need to measure the time it takes me to walk there. Not jog. Walk. I don’t want to be sweaty and smelly before I start a shift. I’ll be there a while, I don’t want to be miserable or self-conscious.

Oof. There is so much potential in life right now. There is so much happening in life right now. Maybe too much life. As in I appreciate Shane being super chill, but FUCKING HELL, Arma 3 is fucking hard and that’s what we’ve been playing. Like… it’s a time waster. Can’t afford to waste time, I say as I write this and have a youtube video playing in the background.

I’m going to bed as soon as the dishes are done. Once they’re over, I’m going to fill up Max’s water bowl. Adela won’t have to do it when she gets up. She’ll appreciate it. Then I’ll put away the dishes. Guess what I brought with me? Our cups. Oh, wait. I told you.

I think I’ve been repeating myself. I’m tired so I’m using that as an excuse. It’s almost 2. I started the dishes before midnight. Need a shower. Then bed. Tomorrow, I’ll do laundry. I left one of my soap bottles in CA but there was one here still with stuff in it. I’ll have to text my mom and ask her. I’ll probably pick it up when I come back for my truck. Oh, that’d save us some weight too. So I can just bring a week’s worth of clothing. Or… we could, if we go back together. That’d be nice. I promised you a road trip.

Oh, look at that. I’m repeating myself again. Oof.

Anyways, on the way back we can go to Amarillo and we can see my old apartment. I left a lot of stuff there. I had to because my dad rushed me. I had no time and it wouldn’t fit. We can’t go in, obviously… Also, we’ll get a room there. There is an old friend who wants to meet up for dinner.

Don’t be jealous, but it’s a she. We might have more than dinner. Hope you don’t mind. Then there is a friend in Quincy near Susanville who wants to meet up for something similar. Hope you don’t mind again. And of course we’ll have to go to Dallas next. We might meet my friend there. He’s a guy. So we might meet up for dinner. Then fuck. I know you won’t mind. ;) Kidding. Ariel was invited to Dallas though. Another piece of excrement who is just trying to get online puss. She has a million offers a day. She considered taking it because I’m in Texas. I told her I’d have to bring my truck for that, so she’s holding off.

Got a lot of woman wanting to meet up right now and I’m unsure why. And by a lot I mean 3 total. You’re not a part of them, obviously, because… events. But you encouraged me to sleep with all the women I wanted. Sort of how the relationship began. You remember those sort of events and I said no to it. Now after the new events, you think you’ll let me sleep with whomever I want again? Probably not. Not unless you get an open relationship privileges too and if we started again we’d have to work towards it. Hell, I probably will tell you there is no chance in hell after what’s happened.

You’re probably reading that saying, “I wish I didn’t come back for him!” assuming you did come to Houston, but too bad. After what’s happened and how you’ve treated me, I think you’ve lost that privilege.

I know that’s not what you want to see, but understand that I know what was wrong. I’m aware. Things will change. If you decide to give me another chance, you won’t need to. Trust me on that. Our relationship will be better the next time round.

Again, that’s assuming you trust me with another chance. Not holding my breath. Doubt you’d even read this, tbh. Again, not my concern. If I stop caring to the point where I email it to you, know that you don’t have a chance in hell. Unlike other men, I will tell you no. To me, your body is NOTHING. To everyone else? Your looks are the only feature they care about. I assure you, if you were a disgusting, ugly woman then Dennis wouldn’t have done what he’s done.

Good looks are a curse to women. I see why some muslim women prefer the burka. Don’t know how to spell it.

It’s so hard to get judged fairly. Especially as a woman. You don’t need me, a man, to tell you this. But I do sympathize. I’m not like other guys. You know I’m not because you had to chase me rather than I chase you.

Thing is, you’ve made a lot of promises that you never kept. Simple promises too. Before Dennis. So, your word is in question. I have every reason to doubt you. If it takes too long for you to come back to me, I’ll move on as you asked and you’ll have to chase yet again. That’ll be fun, no? Thing is, even if I do make you chase me, I won’t deny you from wanting to move in here. Because even if we’re not together, you’d be better off than being stuck with Dennis. So just know that you’ll always have shelter with me. Just not a relationship.

Christ, that washer is taking forever. It’s 2:30. ><

Oh, I think it’s finished. Time to put it away. Speak of the devil and he shall appear.

Finished. Going to finish this video before I go to bed. If we get back together, I want you to be more overbearing with my diet. As in you purchase the groceries. I just haul it. I feel like the food is already rotting. It’s… a bad thing I do. Feel like food is rotten. I really need help. Rotten food is my biggest fear. ><

I’m watching a video with a couple youtubers playing Cuphead. It’s old timey. This probably won’t surprise you but old cartoons from the 30’s are… old memories. It was a VHS tape filled with old cartoons. I watched that rather than actual TV. I loved them. I feel emotional when I see them play it. Oof. They did a good job. I feel like they’re literally playing my childhood.

I want the soundtrack. I’m getting it soon.

I’ll be up for another 20 minutes. Despite what it seems like, I don’t type consistently throughout this time.

It’s finished. Currently 3:12. I’m going to bed after a shower. Good night. I still care about you. Tomorrow, back with my book. ;)

Series of bad dreams. Kept waking up and going back to sleep. It’s almost 3 in the afternoon. Christ. x.x The first one ironically involved me being at the store. I bought a turkey and a huge thing of ham. Then I discovered this Latina who worked there thought I was cute, so I got to talking to her. As I was talking to her, this white trash woman comes up and asks if she could take the ham off my cart. I look at her, annoyed at first before telling her to go away. I go back to flirting with this girl and I ask her number. As she goes to write it down, I look at my cart and the ham is gone. The manager of the girl told me that she’s an employee and can’t give out personal information on the job. I didn’t care about that. I went out to find the lady who took the ham and I looked everywhere. The dream ends with me road raging and having to park next to the freeway ramp before waking up. Weird, I know.

The second dream involved eggs. I was at my parents’ ranch and as someone volunteered to cook the eggs for me, I saw slenderman. Rather than not look at him, I chose to. He noticed me and walked up. I kept looking at him though. As if I were challenging him. Then he proceeding to cut out my eyes.

I woke up immediately after and my left eye was sore.

The last one involved you. Shane and I went over to Dennis’s. I was preparing to do something really mean to Dennis when you snuck up behind me and kissed my cheek. Then I forgot what I was going to do. We laid down together and just cuddled. Then I woke up.

Yeah, it’s kinda like that.

Though not a bad dream, I did wake up without you by my side and I was a bit distraught about that. There were more dreams, but I can’t remember the rest too well. I wish you were here. I really do miss you.

Then again, I guess I stayed awake last night just to fantasize about you. Literally. I have several woman who want to sleep with me setting up plans while I’m thinking about you in all your naked glory. One such fantasy was me eating sushi off your naked body. I’d refer to you as my table and be a dick and then surprise you by sharing some sushi with you. I know I can share this because you’re not going to read this. May as well.

Then there is just me sneaking up behind you and kissing the back of your neck. Of course, I definitely want to have sex with you but the thing is I also want to do more than just fuck. It’s hard to explain. I just wish you were here, is all. :/ Whatever. Enough about my weird fantasies. Let’s talk Max.

He has been wanting to go outside. I took him out and all he did was lie down in the grass. We go back in and he wants to go back outside. He’s kind of a brat. I cleaned his bowls last night. He has nice, clean water available. Stayed up last night to do that. Then I took a shower. Then bed. Then stayed up for hours thinking of you.

In the event that you come my way, let me tell you what my plan is. First, I’ll make sure I’m clean shaven. Not completely, just groomed. Downstairs? Yeah, that’s going to get shaved. I brought that auto-razor thing. The shaver or whatever. So, yeah. It won’t look like a swamp if you reach down there. Might scratch you, though. Still, I’ll make sure I look my best. I’ll probably tell you I’m late. It won’t be because I’m kidding you but because traffic has been getting bad. More than likely, if I am there first, I’ll hide behind something or blend in better. But more than likely I will be late. This isn’t a power move to make you feel guilty and to get you thinking that I don’t care and you’re the least important part of my day and I have moved on. It’s just that I’m late. Don’t feel bad. I guarantee I’m not trying to be a dick to you.

Then we’ll bring you back. I’ll take you up stairs, bringing your two inevitably heavy bags even though I TOLD YOU that you can freely leave shit there because we’ll come back because I have a job and I can afford the tickets and the drive back but no. You’re like, “Good, we can get Haru AND NOTHING ELSE!!!”

You don’t listen. If you do, that’d be great. But you don’t. I know this because you’re stubborn. It’s one of your endearing factors.

Believe it or not, that’s a good thing. It may not sound like it because stubbornness is viewed as a bad thing, but it’s also confidence in yourself.

Anyways, I assume you’ll have two heavy bags. Hopefully they won’t be SUPER FUCKING heavy and you won’t have to pay for the overweight charge. Of course, you’ll have to get another bag. But, that’s life. Let me tell you something else.

When we come back, we won’t have to bring back ANY heavy stuff. Just a weeks worth of clothing. Something to get us by. Why so little? Because we’ll need the bags for bringing back YOUR stuff. And also some of my stuff. We can store some bags in other bags. Should fit, assuming they’re small enough. I think mine is small enough to fit in the larger bag.

Anyways, the drive will be tough. The glass tank for Haru should be in the back seat of my truck as opposed to the truck bed. We’ll get a rope and tie the bags onto the truck. There is a chance I’ll be able to take Kiki, but I’ll have to talk to Adela about it. More than likely, we’ll have to move out as soon as Kiki gets here so when we’re here, we’ll have to find an apartment with a down payment. That basically means that we’ll no longer be able to save money.

It’d be worth it to get Kiki back. It’d be easier to bring her back without you, to be honest. That way Adela won’t feel like I’m totally infringing but just partially. Keep that in mind, will you?

Anyways, when we go up there for my truck we’ll take everything we can fit and that we forgot about the first time around. I’ll take the rest of my clothing and my airsoft gear (possibly my airsoft guns) and you’ll take Haru’s tank and Moshi’s tank and basically everything.

On the way back, we can get hotel/motel rooms. Sleep there the night and then leave the next morning. It’ll take 28 hours if we aren’t delayed and drive nonstop from Reno to Houston. I intend to stop by Amarillo and Dallas. That should be about a 6 hour drive in between them but there might be good news. We may not have to pay for lodging while there. We’ll have to see.

I know you’re probably reading this thinking, “He’s planned all this knowing I told him to move on? He’s crazy.” Maybe, but this is something I’ll be doing with or without you. I’d rather you be there, but it doesn’t matter in the end.

It’ll take 20 hours just to get to Amarillo. So, we’ll probably have one stop before we get there. I’m thinking it’ll probably be in New Mexico or Arizona. We’ll drive through Las Vegas. I know you’d want to stop but the thing is Las Vegas isn’t any fun unless you’re 21. I’ll drive the entire way so you can look out the window. We’ll find a place, preferably cheap. Thing is, we’ll keep our clothing in bags. When we get back, we’ll have to wash them immediately. Bed bugs are a real thing and they occur in that area. I got bed bugs from a hotel. Hopefully, we’ll be fine. Again, we just have to wash our clothes IMMEDIATELY and take showers. Cleanliness is key.

Ignoring that, We’ll start in CA then we’ll go through Nevada. Then we’ll arrive in Arizona. Then New Mexico. Finally Texas. It’ll be a two day trip to get from CA to Texas. Then we’ll get to Amarillo and stay a day or two. I’ll talk to a friend who may let us stay for a little while. She’s super sweet. We should get her something. She’s an old coworker of mine. :D Then from Amarillo, we’ll see some sights where I used to live. Maybe go to the Big Texan. Go to Dunkin Donuts. Possibly see the cemetery. That’s if you’re with me, of course.

After we see what we need to, we’ll head on over to Dallas which is six hours, as I said. The road we’ll take WON’T take us through Oklahoma. But, we’ll get close. We’ll meet up with my friend there, we may do some drinking. After a day with him? We’ll go to Houston. Meet up with Adela. Finish settling in. Get prepared for the next part of life.

I know, it’s weird that I’m planning this and acting like you’re coming. It’s probably weird that I keep saying it’s weird. I guess despite knowing you won’t ever read this, I still want you to be a part of this journey. I guess also that it’s good to write down my plans. It makes it easier to remember. And if I forget, I can always reread this entry.

Alright, it’s 4:30 and Max needs food. We’re not jogging today. I’m willfully not exercising. Today will be a break day. x.x

Also, I’m hungry so brb we’re getting food.

I just came back. I remembered what the eggs were about. I was cooking with our kids. Son and Cynthia. Fucking christ, it’s worse than I imagined. >< Whatever. Slenderman isn’t real. I remember now because the son who still doesn’t have a name was trying to help cook and he crushed the egg in his little hand and I was like, “Dude, the fuck?” but I said, “That’s perfect! Why don’t you go tell mommy that the food is almost started?” to get him away from the kitchen. Cynthia wanted to use cookie cut outs on the eggs and I was like, “Yeah, no.” I guess that sounds good, but we were on my parents’ ranch. So, if I had to live there with my parents and also children, I’d hate myself. >< It was night time though. While we were cooking. Maybe it wasn’t our ranch? Then again, maybe slenderman didn’t scoop out my eye? Reoccurring characters are fucking dumb. x.x

Just came back from Max’s walk. There is this white poofy dog. Super cute. We saw him/her today. First time we saw him/her was with Adela. We were walking back and the white dog was being walked by this cute Asian girl. She seemed nice. Anyways, White Dog saw Max and immediately started following, pulling the Asian girl with her. So, she basically followed us for a little bit.

Today, we saw White Dog again. Just me and max. It was being walked by probably Asian boyfriend? I don’t know. Point is, the White Dog wanted to play with Max but he was able to hold on to her. However, we saw him again on the way back. On the way back, we basically go through the long part of the neighborhood so we had a lower chance of meeting again. But we met and again and we were so close to one another we just gave each other an awkward bro nod as the dogs wanted to play. It was cute. :D

Alright, so it’s official. Dennis is NEVER coming to Houston. And it’s because I’m here. I don’t know what he’s been telling you but he specifically told Shane that he’s not afraid of me. Shane asked if that’s not the case then why won’t he come for a job that pays really well? He had no answer.

It’s possible that he lied to Shane. It’s possible that he lied to you. It’s possible he lied to EVERYONE. But he can’t lie to himself. He isn’t profitable. He’s not investing in himself. I, at least, wrote a book and Shane told me that I could totally go to school here for the job he has. I might actually take him up on that offer assuming my books never take off. I’ll release my own book, see what the reviews say.

I might finish the series and call it a day. Or I might be encouraged to keep writing. The fact of the matter is, my life is flexible. So long as I’m in Houston, I can get a lot done. You could to, but right now you’re believing Dennis’s malarkey.

I have nothing against Dennis, but he’s just… well, he has something against me. Clearly. There is a lot going on. He’s going to try to keep you from talking to me soon. I hope he doesn’t remember our anniversary that’s coming up. If he does, then he’ll have a time frame to act. Thinking strategically. It’s a good thing, but comprises of over-examination. I can’t wait to message you. You’ll probably be upset, but I’ll talk some sense. You just need to be sensible. ;)

#breakup #slice of life #frustration #depression #getting over it #moving on #journal #a year ago today

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canaryatlaw · 6 years

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well. today has been pretty shitty and I feel pretty shitty. my mood is in the toilet but it’s hard to tell if that’s a rational reaction to crappy stuff and stress or the manifestation of one of my antidepressants being cut in half last week. I feel like both are plausible arguments at this point. But whatever, I’ll get typing. I originally woke up at like 11:15 and then let myself fall back asleep because I was fucking tired until my alarm went off at 12:15, at which point I got up and got ready to go to PT, then went there. It was fine, nothing out of the ordinary. I came back and spent a while putting a grocery order in on instacart because I didn’t want to spend time actually shopping because there was bar prep to be done. when I finished that I paid $105 as a “laptop fee” to the Illinois bar people because that deadline is tomorrow, and I remembered something from the NY bar people I had gotten a while back that I thought had a June 20th deadline (”thought” being the key word here). Well, I pull the email up and it’s like “The deadline for receipt of this form is June 15th. if it is not received you will not sit for the July 2018 bar exam.” WELL FUCK. Obviously, it’s 4 days after this. so I freak out for a while, then find a number to call and tell them what happened and was legit just like “so am I totally screwed or is there anything I can do?” and they said to get the school to overnight it to them. it was at least 3:30 pm at this point. So I called the school and got bounced around between offices for a while before eventually just printing out the form and getting an uber to school. I talked to the lady in law career services and she said to go up to the dean’s office, it was like almost 5 at this point, but I go up and tell them what’s going on and talk to the dean quickly, who’s a super nice lady I like a lot, the form had to come directly from the school, and she said she’d make it happen at which point I just wanted to lie down and cry. It had occurred to me to just let this go and use it as an excuse to just be like “well I guess I have to take the IL bar now I can’t take the NY one” but I knew my parents would be really pissed about that and it just didn’t feel right, especially since it was my dad’s birthday and it would just feel shitty after they put so much effort into getting me back to NY this weekend, even if that is somewhat doubtful. I left them my info and sat in the Starbucks by the school for a little while in case they needed anything from me. Eventually it looked like things were good so I tried to save some money by doing an uber express pool back to my apartment (it was like $22 for an uber x and $5 for an express pool) which took a little while. during said ride I got a call back from my psychiatrist’s office regarding above mentioned cutting my antidepressant in half over tremors. Of course I originally spoke to them about this while I was also in an uber express pool last week, so I’m glad everyone at uber is getting to hear about all of my medical issues this week. But basically I told them the tremors hadn’t changed, so she said to follow up with my primary care doctor, which I guess I’m going to do at some point maybe tomorrow. but I got home, at which point I was like welp I guess I need to start my bar prep for the day! fml. so I did practice questions and then did two practice essays, one of which I actually had to submit to be graded but like I’m the worst and looked at the sample outline to make sure I had everything right which I know is like, just hurting myself, but at this point I don’t even care I just want to get it done with. There was a civ pro lecture that clocked in at like 4 hours and 15 minutes and it was past 7 at this point and I know I didn’t have it in me to listen so I left that to tomorrow which is gonna have to be super productive, because I’m gonna end up having to do some stuff on Thursday that will take a while, I have PT then I have an appointment at the apple store to get my screen replaced (I don’t think I mentioned this the other day, but on Sunday during dinner my sister had gotten her foot stuck under one of the chair legs my brother was sitting on and was very distressed, and I had my phone on my lap, and when I sprang to go see if she was ok it fell on the patio and shattered my screen, underneath even my fucking glass screen protector lol they were both shattered, so that’s that) then I have the retirement party for my old boss at OPG which I’m hoping I may be able to turn into a networking event to some degree because lord knows I need it right now. Figuring all of that out feels so fucking overwhelming right now, like which state I’ll end up in I don’t even want to think about which I know is bad because it’s obviously an impending deadline but like, I just can’t right now. yeah, probably the rest of my antidepressant being cut in half, but that realization doesn’t help me feel any less like shit right now. Anyway. I watched the rest of the british baking show masterclass episodes that were left then didn’t know what to watch so I started season 4 of unbreakable kimmy schmidt which has been aggressively meh so far, and that was basically my night. so now I’m here and I feel shitty. I’m worried about the bar exam, because I’m still on the NY bar prep, and I’m worried if I don’t switch over to Illinois soon if I take the IL bar I’m gonna be unprepared properly, but idk if I should switch over because I DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHAT I’M DOING and it’s the fucking end of June and this is fucking ridiculous but I don’t fucking know what to do and today was just so shitty and yeah definitely the result of lack of antidepressant because my mind is basically a flaming inferno at the moment. Definitely gonna switch that dosage back in the morning, since it clearly didn’t make a difference with my fucking tremors anyway. sigh. I’ll feel better in the morning, hopefully. I mean, I know I’ll be fine, I just feel overwhelmed right now. and that’s pretty much all I have to say, I should go to bed now my back just hurts (because of course it does) and I don’t really have any motivation to move right now. welp. Guess I have to anyway. I’ll be fine, nobody freak out on me. I just need it to be tomorrow, so I’m gonna sleep until that happens. So goodnight peeps. Hope you had a less shitty day than I did.

#daily journal #June 2018

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missenden · 7 years

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1.7.12 8:05pm

Half the year has gone already ??? What ??? How ???

This has probably been the best few months I’ve had in a long while. Granted, they weren’t without their difficulty, but I think there were less meltdowns and bad periods than usual? It can be hard to tell in hindsight, but I’m happy anyway. It’s been a good time and I’m sad to see the semester end…

There are so many things to cover – gonna list them out here so I don’t forget to write about anything. Uni (academics and new friends), piano, fic, boxing, quitting SYO, what else? I think that’s it for now.

I haven’t updated for legit like 3 months so this is probably going to take fkn forever. But here goes. So uni has been a bit of a rollercoaster – my first midsems for econ (maths and micro) were god awful. I didn’t think it was possible to do as badly as I did in maths, a solid 4/25 and barely a pass in micro with 15/25. It hit me hard – I wasn’t super confident going into them, but no-one expects to do quite that badly, and to be honest I’m used to working hard and getting the results. I probably should’ve seen it coming. The practice tests weren’t going great and I was probably too confident going in. But yeah. It was a real reality check. Are you as smart as you think, Alyssa? Never. So after about a week of just crying and being real upset at Don (the shittiest lecturer I think I’ve ever had; he wouldn’t give me marks because he was ‘too annoyed’ that I’d gotten so many things wrong previously’, laughs at people in class, tells people to quit their jobs to study for maths…yeah. I know I’ll probably look back on this and laugh at how trivial it is, but man during semester it was annoying.) life had to move on and I had to move on with it. Julia came to Sydney in the midsemester break which was pretty great (it was real nice to hang out with her again and relax!) and then I began to work my ass off for my law assignments before starting to prep for the next econ midsems.

To be honest, I pretty much gave up 2-3 weeks of my life working for law and econ…but it’s not like I didn’t really enjoy it. I really enjoyed working with Tom and then eventually with Soo as well on the contracts assignment, even with the long hours cooped up in my room, poring over casebooks and PDF judgments online (control F has never been more useful I think). There was something about being so absorbed into the knowledge and being so dedicated to something that was just so great – most people would hate it, but I’m glad I don’t. Even working on CCP wasn’t terrible ! Those assignments worked out great; 25/30 for contracts (the top mark was 26), and 16.5/20 for CCP (I think I might have been close to topping!). I never thought I’d see the day where I did that well in law, and that those marks would ever be better than econ lol. But I was mostly glad that everything worked out the way it did – I think it would’ve killed me if I hadn’t done well after so much work. Anyway, hopefully those results can save me from the horror of exams…I’m glad I have at least something of a buffer.

And econ…econ was something special. I have never worked on anything as hard as I did for that maths exam, and to an extent the micro paper as well. All I did was eat, sleep, mandi and study for a two week period – I’m very lucky that I was living in college and that my friends were always around me, because otherwise I probably could’ve become a real hermit. I think it was about then that I really started to fall in love with the maths a little bit lol. There’s this satisfaction that I got out of it that I’d never gotten before. But yeah. After two crazy weeks, I did the papers and scored damn well – went from 16% in maths to 84%, and 60 in micro to 75. By some insane coincidence I’m now exactly on a pass for maths – hopefully it’s enough to carry me into honours next year. I was just so desperate to prove to myself and everyone around me that I could do this, and that I wasn’t an idiot. And I’m glad I did – it’s one hell of a story to tell at job interviews at any rate. But that feeling of success when I first got the maths mark back was absolutely phenomenal. I remember it really vividly – I was waiting out on the street waiting for uber eats when Connor texted the group chat saying that maths marks were up. My nerves were astronomical, but when I saw that number…man. That feeling was something else. All the hard work had been well worth it just for that moment. The feeling is absolutely amazing; I just hope that I’ll be able to experience it again when the exam marks come back.

So yeah – that’s the academics. It’s been a bit of a rollercoaster. Hopefully I can deliver in exams too, and get through with decent looking grades.

There was another great outcome of the second set of midsems – I met this amazing group of friends who do economics at uni. They’re all so welcoming and wonderful and genuine !! I just wish I could’ve met them sooner. For most of the semester since then, I’ve been seeing them every now and again which has been really great – hopefully I can get closer to them next sem. I even got invited to their end of semester stuff – Wednesday night was really great <3 They are all so great. Fingers crossed I can keep hanging out with them.

Along with this group has come some boy stuff lol. Which I’m just so bad at dealing with it’s almost funny. So basically, I think this guy is probably/maybe/I think keen, and I thought I was too, but honestly now I don’t know. Part of it is remnants of all the Lynden stuff – I can’t shake this feeling that getting into a relationship means giving up my independence and losing a part of myself. And then I think the other part is I don’t know if he’s quite the right guy – it sounds shallow, but appearance is definitely a factor, and then also idk I’m worried that if things go pear shaped I won’t be able to be friends with everyone anymore. Idk, I’m just not sure. Tom keeps laughing at my indecision but honestly it’s so bad lol. And I don’t know why I keep pushing people away – is it a self defence mechanism or something? It’s very unhelpful lol and only serves to make things difficult. I haven’t quite worked this one out, but hopefully I will at some point?

On to the next thing – piano. So I’ve been playing casually all semester and really enjoying it! I think not having the pressure to play super well all the time and to just have fun is really great, but is also a little restrictive in terms of progress. At the moment I’m playing a lot of music from the movie Amelie and also Goodbye Lenin, as well as some Studio Ghibli stuff. For some reason it feels a lot better than playing violin, which I haven’t been doing too much of lately – I think a break is probably a good thing, but it also feels sad to let it go. I haven’t even applied for AYO this year, which just feels so strange. Also, I quit SYO – weirdly they never emailed me back or anything, and that doesn’t feel great, but yeah. Idk. It feels like I’m just letting go of so many things in my life which is strange – I’m so used to being committed to a million and one things, and it’s weird to just enjoy doing stuff for the sake of it how most people do, in the way of hobbies. It’ll definitely take some time to adjust to it, but hopefully I’ll get there at some point.

But actually, one thing I have picked up this semester is boxing, and it’s been bloody great. I struggled so much last year to let go of karate and try something new, but somehow I’ve managed to do it this year and I honestly feel as if I’m learning so much. Learning boxing has been a radically different experience to karate – the environment is much more full on, fast paced and intense, which to be honest is a good thing for me I think. My fitness has improved markedly, I’m more toned and feel good. The only thing I wished was a bit better is that individuals don’t get all that much attention, but you can’t win everything I suppose. But hell, I’m really enjoying it – might even be doing a fight in October, though the prospect is a little nerve-wracking. Will probably be doing a kata competition in August as well for karate, so that’ll be interesting !

This semester has really been great. I feel so much more settled in Sydney, my friendships feel much more secure and I finally feel like things are falling into place. I know I take a long time to settle in to places, but I really didn’t anticipate it taking this long lol, but I’m glad that it’s happening at all. It’s nice to feel like some kind of equilibrium has been hit, and that it’s a bit different but a bit the same as what it is at home. Also, it’s great to not be constantly missing home all the time – of course I miss family, friends and Perth itself, but it’s no longer at the front of my mind constantly and stressing me out. Not really looking forward to all the changes that next semester will bring though; everyone is going on exchange and Hintze 3 is going to be weirdly different after the break. And man the bloody room drama – at least Jesse is moving up, but I wish Charlotte was too, but also there was the whole beef with Will and blergh it’s just been annoying.

Speaking of that drama – one of the changes this sem is that I’m not as close to Will as I was before. We kinda grew apart, in part from me getting tired of having him hover all the time wanting to talk about Perth and music, and I don’t think he’s all too happy about it – he apparently things ‘I’ve changed’. But like what else is to be expected? People change and grow up, and normally friendships change to reflect that…I’m not really sure what to do about it. I’m just glad that he won’t be moving to Hintze. The whole room drama just felt very childish…

I think that’s it from me for the moment – Jesse’s just wandered in asking me to chill. Kathryn’s leaving tomorrow so should probably go hang out – things are going to be so weird next sem without her and everyone else ! But yeah. Will try and update soon.

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hotokeiki · 7 years

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Week 128: J-pop

http://zippyaudio3.com/download/reina-ueda-%E4%B8%8A%E7%94%B0%E9%BA%97%E5%A5%88_watashi-dori-%E3%83%AF%E3%82%BF%E3%82%B7-%E3%83%89%E3%83%AA/-569986_FWqKXF#.WRKBntnktTw.facebook

Hey guys!

Man, has it been a while. The summer has been busier than I originally anticipated. Hopefully, you saw the last update I posted. That explains fairly well what all I want to do this summer, and NEED to do this summer.

Anyway.. How is everybody?

…

Linda: They can’t answer you.

Shh, Linda. *whisper* I know, but I’m trying to be polite. *whisper*

So, the last post was good ol’ St. Paddy’s Day, March 17. It is now May 17.. I’m sorry I left you with that for two months. XD

So, what’s happened since then?

Well, finals. That was a week before my birthday. Oh yeah, I had a birthday!.. We’ll get to that.

Let’s start with grades. A couple of my professors waited until the latest allowable time to turn in grades, but I had my grades by Friday, May 5.

Here they are. I’m pretty happy with them.

EE 353 (Communication Systems) - B+

EE 358 (Control Systems) - A (pretty happy with this one)

EE 368 (Control Systems Lab) - C

CS 460 (Operating Systems) - A

EE 363 (Communication Systems Lab) - A

EE 477W (Senior Design II) - A

PSYC 460W (Psychology of Women) - A

Term GPA was 3.73, so I made Dean’s List! (=> 3.5)

I was trying to catch up in Control Systems after realizing I was taking the class too lightly. You don’t really learn things when you’ve already convinced yourself you don’t understand. Anyway, there were some tougher parts of the semester. I was freaking about this one report for Control Systems Lab, and I had convinced myself that it was due later than it was. The first section of that lab had two more days to do the simulations and write their report.. but I digress. I felt bad about doing that to Uncle Paco, being at the lab to ask questions when the assignment was due, and worked to get it done that night (I thought it was due by midnight). I apologized to Uncle Paco, and emailed my report before midnight. We worked things out, but I still got docked for the assignment. So did Evan, and we weren’t the only ones who thought it wasn’t due at that point. The last exam for Controls was the week before finals, and I thought it went pretty well. I actually figured out how Lag Compensation works during the exam (no one knew). XD

And the Communication Systems exams were brutal. I did pretty badly on the first one. It’s not that the questions were confusing, but there were so many! I told myself that if I had worked out more problems while studying, I could’ve finished the exam. There were 9 problems. I only had one actual final, and that was basically comprehensive. Also, Dr. Wu says that the exam problems are the same as the homework. They’re not entirely. He basically copied the exam from last year, and I didn’t have that exam to study for the first exam. Anyway, we get to the final (there were only two exams in total) which I’d been studying for for a couple days. But the final was.. OH MY GOSH, HOW?? How do you answer 11 problems in 2 hours. It seems easy, but the first problem is finding the coefficients for Trigonometric Fourier Series. I didn’t even finish that problem, and it took like 10 minutes!! That final was by far the worst exam I’ve ever had. I was mentally and physically exhausted. I know, because I had Evan record it. The Communications Lab was fun. It was basically a bunch of MatLab programming. I got behind on three reports, but the T.A. was fine with me turning them in late, and immediately graded them. He’s a nice guy, and he’s graduating with his masters. We’re friends now. Good luck, Zhewei!

Psychology of Women went really well. That was a fun class. I got perfects on all my papers. The last exam was also the week before finals, and it wasn’t comprehensive. I felt really good about that one. Dr. Krawczyk said we could email her to find out our scores on the final. I got a 38! Operating Systems was also really fun. Now I understand why Windows is not great for task management. We only had a project and a final take home exam/ homework/ project thing. That also went really well. I got it finished before the Computer Science party. That was a strange week. And we hit a bunch of snags in Senior Design, but my dad helped me a lot in getting ANYTHING running on the display. The display driver controller was being a little shit. Here’s video of the display demo we showed Dr. Allen: https://www.facebook.com/christian.dickinson.33/videos/566937140183929/

(it’s supposed to update the whole display at the same speed, but we ended up with a loading bar. And then we just repeatedly inverted and un-inverted the color on the display. It looks nice) Thaddeus had the Audio subsystem producing a tone, and Talen had click response of the Schmitt Trigger piano keyboard controller. In case I forgot to tell you, our project was the Super Pretendo, a handheld gaming console. There’s a good amount of documentation on Github this year!

This is what happens when I don’t post for two months!! Sorry, guys. I’ll try to wrap up.

My birthday was good. I had bacon and brats, and we saw Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 that weekend. It was good. It made me laugh and cry. I’ve been a little sick since before my birthday. I’m thinking it was a flu thing, maybe allergies. I’m pretty much over it.

How old do you guys think I am now?

Linda: You’re 23. Keep going.

Gee, way to ruin the fun, Linda. Fine. Other than that, I made my last lecture for the trimester and presented it at the high school on Monday. It was about counting age, and telling time. It was confusing. Ore wa ni-juu-san-sai!

And since Monday, I’ve just been trying to find an internship. I applied for one at my dad’s company, and he’d already decided who he was going to hire, but wanted to talk to me. It was good, and I might be able to get a job there later down the road. I applied for one at Itron, which is in town (I didn’t really want to commute again the whole summer). But I applied at a couple places in Mankato, and I got an interview set up at Software For Hire for tomorrow morning at 9am.

Ok, I’m done. *deep breathing*

Let’s get to the post!

Watashi*dori by Reina Ueda is a song off her album RefRain.

Yeah, something not tied to an anime… I think. You can never be too sure. I’m pretty sure it’s not, though.

So, I found this song on SoundCloud. I was looking online for a song from Uma Musume Pretty Derby, and I found it uploaded by Anime Song#5. The name intrigued me, so I looked at the other uploads. And I liked almost every track there. And at the bottom of this list of uploads, as in the first upload for this account, was ワタシ*ドリ. I decided to follow Anime Song#5, and really liked the uploads. It was good, and there was so much good stuff being uploaded on a daily. Then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked. Only the Ava.. LINDA! Did you switch my script again?

.. That’s what I thought. Why do we even have that lever? .. SCRIPT! You did it again, Linda. It was funny the first time. Ok, it’s still funny…but stop.

Anyway, I wanted to listen to Last Proof (was tied with this song. I wasn’t sure which to post), but I couldn’t find it. I could play it on my mobile app, because I queued it up when I had wifi and hadn’t changed the playlist. But it only existed on my SoundCloud app, and it was the same for Watashi*dori. Well, I realized that Anime Song#5 was no more. All that exists is one message thanking them for the great uploads (like I started with Minazuki-san!!), and all of the songs that I downloaded using the SCDL extension (thanks Rae), which changes the metadata so that the composer is the account that uploaded the song. So, I have a bunch of songs currently by Anime Song#5, and those were a bunch of the songs that Anime Song#5 uploaded. Thank you for the music, Anime Song#5. R.I.P.

Word of advice. Download new songs you find on a regular basis, so they’re not completely lost to copyright antics. I SoundCloud is bad, because when an account is taken down, nothing remains. Nothing. It even says the message I sent is to Deleted user. I guess this message is my epitaph, then. This was three months ago:

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Hi,

My name is Chris. I just liked almost all of your songs XD.

You have very good taste. I look forward to your future uploads.

I noticed the #5 in your profile name. Do you have multiple Soundcloud profiles?

Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks. I listen to a lot of J-pop, and post it on my blog. So, it's always fun finding more.

Here's the link to my blog if you'd like to check it out: hotokeiki.tumblr.com/

Thanks again for the great music!!

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This has happened before with SoundCloud. I lost a song one time, I think Sophomore year. It was before Signals and Systems and I wanted to hear this song. I hadn’t heard it in a while, but I still remembered what it sounded like and what it was called. I was able to find it again!! … and then I lost it before I downloaded, and I neither remember what it sounded like nor what it was called.

The second time was similar with a song called Signal Graph. I talked about this on my Facebook page. This was in August last year!

Here’s the link: https://www.facebook.com/WeeklyJpop/posts/226243397773833

And then most recently with Watashi*dori. Due to Anime Song#5’s deletion, I didn’t have the song anymore. But I remember what it was called, and who it was by. It took a little while, and checking multiple sites (a lot of which were in Russian), but I found it. I found an mp3 site that I could give a link to an individual mp3 instead of the whole search result. I wouldn’t do that to you guys.

Anyway, lesson learned. I actually downloaded this song before that unfortunate incident.

Now, let’s talk about the song, because it’s super funky.

First off, Reina Ueda’s voice is soft but also fun. It works very well with the playful nature of this song. The song is just super funky, and fun to listen to. It does a great job of switching between feels. And the instrumentation and back-up vocals really fit. It’s a well-crafted song that blends the parts together so well. I really like it. Unfortunately, I can’t listen to it with headphones at the moment. But when I can, it will be glorious!

Enjoy!!

Album: RefRain Track: 02 Lyricist: Youhei Matsui & Reina Ueda Composer: Hidekazu Tanaka (MONACA) Arranger: N/A Artist: Reina Ueda

Here’s a link to the album sampler. It’s really cool! https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjSpbmZxvjTAhWIeSYKHY_XDbUQyCkIKjAA&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D9yY9IVfngPk&usg=AFQjCNFXd5Uy3qwp5WLpOMNOzHtroOtkBA&sig2=VxyLjWx1sM2pfjVaSzPTsA

Alright, that’ll do it for this post.

I need to get to bed. Interview tomorrow. Wish me luck!!

If you have any questions or requests, please let me know. Sankyuu!!

Linda: Hey, Kanchou..

(That’s the first time you’ve called me anything. Why “director”, though?)

Yes, Linda.

Linda: Happy Birthday.

Thanks Linda!

Ok. Good night, everybody!

Issho ni ittemiru?

- Chris ——————————————————————————- Minna, gokitai kudasai!!

#Watashi*dori #Ueda Reina #ワタシ*ドリ #RefRain #Weekly J-pop #Week 128

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