#And I don't mean that in a depressing way! My gender is still very much 'Whatever man' but yeah.

[iero]

Hey guys, after much deliberation, I'm gonna be going by they/she pronouns from this point on! Thank you for reading (if you have).

#personal #'After much deliberation' means I've been tired of having to correct people and it's reached that point where I don't care. #And I don't mean that in a depressing way! My gender is still very much 'Whatever man' but yeah. #I know the format is 'she/they' typically but I do still prefer everyone using they pronouns for me but if you use she I'm not gonna be mad #Putting the pronouns I PREFER first y'know? #Anyway thank you. :)

[catnippackets]

disclaimer: as a sex-repulsed aroace person myself--

on one hand, there is definitely a bit of a double standard when it comes to handling canonically queer characters like, from what I've seen in the circles that I frequent (if you've had different experiences then great but I'm just telling it how I see it). for example, you're morally reprehensible if you ship a canon lesbian with a man or refer to a canon bi character as a lesbian. people will be so angry with you. and it's understandable, since there's so little queer rep in comparison to cishet rep that when there IS a rare actual queer character, the unofficial rule is "don't take that away from them when you add more headcanons to them". like, respect that this one is REAL and NOT just a headcanon. I think it makes perfect sense to feel upset when people take that away, even if it is just fiction and not even canon to the original source. and yet, whenever there exists a canon asexual character suddenly it's all "oh well asexual people can still have sex so it's fine if we headcanon THIS canon sexuality as something different". it makes me feel so genuinely heartache-y and depressed to see ppl ignoring that aspect of a character.

and by "canon" I'm also including characters that were never specifically referred to with a label but are very obviously coded as something, because those characters will still get the "even if it's not stated it's pretty obvious!!" treatment when it comes to showing attraction to the same gender, but not when they DON'T show attraction to any gender. like aro and/or ace coding just doesn't count. I understand that it's kind of hard to represent an absence of something, especially when you're only implying it and not even directly showing it, but it's not impossible. there's a lot of characters that you could argue are aroace coded the same way you could argue a character is gay coded. obviously to a degree every queer identity gets disrespected in fandom and it's something you just kinda have to deal with, but it's easier to notice when it's something you personally relate to. I don't think it would bother me as much if we didn't have that unofficial "respect the canon" rule and everyone just went wild with whatever, but the double standard does genuinely hurt me, especially when I see people I thought were cool about this stuff participating in it. so whenever I see someone fiercely defending an asexual character it really makes me feel good, like I'M being defended, not a random fictional character that I might not even recognize the name of. I feel safe, like that person will respect ME.

THAT BEING SAID,

AS a sex-repulsed aroace person who enjoys thinking about the entire spectrum of intimacy and where a character may fall exactly on that spectrum, ALSO as a person who is aware that "asexual" simply means "does not experience sexual attraction" and not necessarily "is violently repulsed by anything sexual", sometimes I DO want to play out scenarios for my own enjoyment. sometimes I DO want to think hm I wonder where this ace character's line is, compared to a different ace character. I wonder if there is anyone who would be an exception for them, and how they could go about dealing with that exception. I wonder if they're favourable, neutral, or repulsed. if those aspects of their character aren't explicitly stated then what's to stop me from playing around with them and working through my own issues in a controlled and non-canon environment? if they have the same identity as me, I am way more likely to want to play around with them like a doll and perhaps play out scenarios that I might have thought about before but don't actually want to do for real. I'm not taking away their identity, after all; I'm just, in this scenario, imagining this ace character as an ace that might have sex on at least one occasion for whatever reason. either just to try it, or because they do have someone they'd make an exception for, or if they got bored enough, whatever the reason. it isn't quite disrespecting their truth unless it's explicitly stated either in canon or by word of god that it's something they're uncomfortable with. and to be honest, if I see another asexual creator headcanoning a character as somewhere on the asexual spectrum and depicting them in sexual situations, it makes me almost happy, to know that they're still acknowledging that character's canon identity and accepting and exploring the nuance that could come with it, even if I personally believe that this specific character would be repulsed instead of neutral or favourable. there's this understanding of "I'm doing a character study exploration thing", and not "I don't care I just wanna sexualize this character"

but I literally feel GUILTY when I want to write what is essentially a thinkpiece disguised as a fanfiction or original story on asexuality and take an asexual character (canon or coded) and involve them in sexual situations to explore different avenues of the spectrum. I feel like I'm betraying everyone who's like me and is frustrated with how aroace characters are treated within fandom. I'm like "am I being just as bad as those other people who will disrespect a character's canon sexuality just because they think that character is hot and want to ship them with someone? do they do the same thing with other types of queer characters? how does this reflect that person's view of people, if they're explicitly told someone feels a certain way and decides to ignore it for their own amusement? or is it just because they're fictional and not real people and I'm being really sensitive and thinking way too much into it? am I not doing the exact same thing? do I have more credence to explore scenarios like this because I am aroace and sex-repulsed myself and therefore have a pass to do whatever I want and it won't come off as a little weird the way it might if someone who's allosexual did it?"

and these two opinions are at war in my mind constantly. like both of them can and do co-exist but I still struggle to accept that lol

#ramblings #asexuality #I almost kinda wanna make a video on this bc I feel like just writing does not even explain what I'm trying to say

[catboybiologist]

About to fall asleep ramble time, this has been kicking around in my brain for a bit and I need to get some form of this thought out

I was diagnosed with ADHD and gender dysphoria one day after the other back in August. Extremely stereotypically zillenial of me, I know. Handling both of these has dramatically improved my quality of life. yes yes insert discourse about how much you need to have dysphoria as a diagnosis, it's just a tool for the medical system that's ultimately meaningless, that's not what this is about.

There's one thing that was really, really weird about the experience of getting care for both of these.

Most treatment and public talk of transition and motivations to transition are about misery. How much despair your birth sex gives you and how gender affirming care is the only stopgap against suicide (oftentimes, used as a barrier to entry that it should only be given when it's at the suicidal point). How crushing dysphoria is.

In contrast, most of the public perception of ADHD is this cutesy, "omg look I'm so quirky" kind of thing. People talk of ADHD "superpowers" and how neat it is to have hyperfixations (I'm low key starting to dislike that word, even though it's an accurate description of many things- it's very overused).

My actual experience has been almost exactly the opposite.

I absolutely had gender dysphoria, and still do, and misery associated with being AMAB. But is that what defines my trans experience? No, and in fact, it feels like a more incidental blip in it. My trans experience has mostly been defined by joy, by feeling my mind and body slowly make me more and more content with my default existence day after day. And the exploration of it all! The social roles, the romantic dynamics, the friendship dynamics, even small aesthetics like clothes and makeup, and again, the body and mood changes. It's incredible and it brings me joy so much of the time. That, more than anything, has defined my trans experience.

In contrast.... ADHD has objectively made nearly every aspect of my life more miserable. Working with my therapist and my pysch, as well as feeling what it's like to be properly medicated, have shown me extremely well how much the constant feelings of misery I always seemed to have were caused by ADHD. ADHD means being unable to receive a baseline level of dopamine to function under normal circumstances, so your brain starts looking for any way it can get new sources. And wouldn't ya know it, novel stimuli are a perfect way to do that. Keep in mind that dopamine isn't just "the pleasure molecule" it's a neurotransmitter with a broad range of functions. If you don't have ADHD, or even if you do, I want you to think about how miserable of an existence that is. Your default state is depression and inability to do things. It has been for me for most of my life. Additionally, anxieties creep into your head and distract you far more easily. You're less functional. You can't do simple things most of the time. You're distracted and have anxiety spikes easily. Continuous tasks are hard. And day in, day out... You are miserable. Almost constantly.

Oh also, you're easily addicted to extreme novel stimuli. For me, it was self harm. And when that stopped working... Well, I was in a state of mostly background depression that was only punctuated by spikes of massive, overwhelming anxiety that my brain hooked itself on. At a certain point, I just wanted it to end, by any means necessary.

It's been almost ten years since that day, and at this point I can genuinely say that I'm glad I'm still here.

But it wasn't dysphoria that did that (it contributed a bit, but still wasn't the biggest factor). Or a depressive disorder. Or bipolar. Or whatever the big, more "scary" mental illnesses or neurodivergencies are. They tried to treat me for some of them, and it ended horribly. My symptoms fit mixed presentation ADHD perfectly, including my physiological response to stimulants. They don't fit anything else. I likely don't have any strong comorbidities, unless you count the symptom-level anxiety and depression. ADHD did all of that to me. The "cute and quirky" one.

By the time I got around to a diagnosis, my pysch was astounded that I made it as far as I did with symptoms as severe as mine. Tackling ADHD has removed so much misery from my life, it's indescribable. Adderall has been the only thing that has ever actually gotten rid of my constant anxiety.

It's not fucking cute. Keeping with this being the flip side to my dysphoria, I do try to keep it light most of the time, and I join in on all of the classic "whoopsie doopsie my ADHD" trains and jokes. You don't have to stop making those, hell, they're fun. There are cute and funny parts to having ADHD, and ways it's made my personality what it is. But don't forget that this is also something that makes people genuinely suffer well beyond the "oopsie I'm such a procrastinator!!!" Type thing.

Idk where this thought is going. It's just kind of an observation that's been kicking around in my head for a bit. So uh. Hope it at least generates discussion? Feel free to add your experiences if you think it'll help you. But fuck I need to sleep lol

#trans #adhd #cw self harm #cw suicide

[shoccolatine]

Do you feel comfortable with writing stuff about mental health issues. Like, MC being depressed due to a mission going wrong or something similar and hiding it from Zayne while they spiral deeper into it until he catches them doing something bad - like idk, self-harm, looking up suicide methods, something like that. Gender neutral reader would be great <3

If you don't want to write this for any reason, feel free to ignore my ask :)

mission failure.

⚘pairing: zayne x gn!reader

⚘summary: after one too many failed missions, you reach a breaking point. zayne comes to your aid. ⚘tags: sfw, 2nd person POV, gender neutral reader, mental health issues, self-esteem issues, depression, suicidal thoughts, non-descriptive/implied self-harm, mild descriptions of morbid thoughts, hurt/comfort, angst ⚘word count: 2k ⚘a/n: thank you so much for your request, i hope i did it justice! this was a very interesting write and i enjoyed it a lot. i tried to be as delicate and vague with the s/h descriptions as i could so as not to trigger anyone, but this fic still deals with sensitive content so please be safe and take care of yourself! much love 💜

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

This was it. You just couldn’t do anything right.

Another hunting mission had gone poorly. The third in a row, now. They do say all good things come in threes, but could the same be said of misfortune? It certainly seemed so. The first two mission failures had been played off as flukes, but this time…

You made the long trek back to Headquarters with the weight of a tail dragging between your legs, bearing a few cuts and bruises to show for it. Beside you was Tara, who was not quite so worse for wear and, although disappointed, didn’t quite seem to share the same sentiment as you. After all, she hadn’t been the one to let the Wanderer get away. Again.

“Hey, don’t look so down!” she says, in her usual cheerful tone. She pats your arm in an attempt to be comforting. “Can’t win ‘em all, right?”

You give her a look and a frown. “I mean, we should, shouldn’t we? It’s our job, after all.”

“No way! Those Wanderers were tough! I’m amazed we got as far into the Zone as we did!”

But we lost our main target, you thought, yet you held your tongue. There was no changing Tara’s mind once she was set on something. This mission was above her level, anyway, but with every other Hunter either stationed elsewhere or taking a well-deserved break, and Xavier being unreachable as usual, all you had was each other. It had been up to you, as the higher level Hunter, to uphold the team morale and guide you both through a successful mission. But lately, you just kept falling short. Even the most straightforward of missions went awry. Just what was happening?

The entrance doors slid closed behind you as you and Tara headed upstairs for the debrief. Your heart pounded with every step you took. Three failures in a row… Jenna was going to fire you for sure. She might as well do it now, to make space for a newer, better Hunter to take your place and finish your missions properly.

Instead, what came of your debrief was the offering of a week-long break. "Time off to clear your head and refresh," Jenna had said with hard concern, but it might as well have been an arrow to the chest. Just fire me now and get it over with, you thought. Stop wasting everyone’s time and resources and find someone else.

You didn’t need a break. You just needed to be better.

Getting better, however, came with a steep demand you placed upon yourself like a vase upon a pedestal, delicate and teetering. If Jenna wanted to give you another chance, then you would use this week to return to peak performance. You would train, and train, and train, until you were sure to succeed at every mission she threw at you. It was flawless. You’d be back at it in no time.

But as soon as you got off the train and back into your apartment, all you wanted to do was sleep. 

And sleep you did. You slept until you couldn’t think of those missions anymore, and when the thoughts inevitably returned, you slept again.

“You’re not eating enough,” Zayne said during your following check-up later that week. He stated it so matter-of-factly, like he did with any other diagnosis, never looking up from his computer as he typed something. You never knew exactly what. “Aren’t you supposed to be on a break right now?”

“How do you know that?”

“Word gets around,” he said, the beginnings of a smile etched on his face. You didn't like the idea of people knowing things like that so easily. People sure do like to talk... Zayne's hazel eyes lifted from the screen and over at you. “You need to take better care of yourself. Now is as good a time as any to catch up on your body’s needs.”

“I’m fine,” you snapped. Sometimes Zayne needed to mind his own business. Wait, but he was your doctor, and one of your closest friends… What was the matter with you? You really needed to go back to bed and stop being such a nuisance. 

Maybe it’d be better if you got out of his life, too.

You met his questioning expression and the heat of your response drained out of your face. At that, you decided you didn’t want to wait for a reply. Whatever he wanted to say to you with that curious expression of his, you didn’t want to hear it. Didn’t deserve to hear it. You quickly left his office and never looked back. If he called your name as the door to his office slid closed behind you, it went unheard.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

5 missed calls.

Your phone screen blares the message in your face, blinding against the darkness of your room and blurry against the tears that threatened to fall, that had already fallen, that fell and dried and fell again. Your fingers itch to reply, to call him back or send him a text, but what’s the point? He doesn’t really care. He’s probably just going to scold you for leaving your appointment halfway and being childish and not following doctor’s orders and being rude to him.

Not only have you messed up your job, you’re messing up your relationships now, too. When will you ever stop? Can’t it ever stop?

Your phone buzzes and lights up in your fingers as your ringtone sings into your sheets once more. It’s him again. Doesn’t he know when to quit? You watch his name as it waits idly on your screen. It gets tired of waiting, as it always does, and finally disappears. You sigh as another hot tear slips down your cheek.

Something new happens this time.

1 new voicemail, your phone screen reads. You start to slide the notification away, but against your better judgment, and before you can talk yourself out of it, you give in, tap the notification, and listen. 

The line is silent for a moment, and part of you hopes he gave up and left you nothing.

Finally, after what sounds like a throat clearing, he speaks.

“Hey, it’s me,” Zayne’s voice comes through the speaker. It’s got that usual muffled crackly phonecall texture laid onto it, but it sounds enough like him that it feels like he’s right there with you, underneath the blankets. “Are you alright? …Listen. Whatever it was I said, I didn’t mean it. You know that. I was going to ask if you wanted to get dinner, but you left so suddenly. Call me when you’re able?”

The silence creeps in again, and you can almost hear him consider saying something more, can almost see his expression as his thoughts thunder in his brain but refuse to leave his lips, but then there’s a click, and the call ends. The robotic voicemail message drones monotonously about saving the message, and halfway through, you hang up, too.

The back of your throat clenches and burns, and you barely fight back a sob as it wrenches itself out of you. Zayne was worried about you. You made him worry. You thought he was mad, you wanted him to be mad, but he’s not. He cares about you. Why…?

You dig the heels of your palms into your eyes, as if you could push back the sting of tears that rush, hot and salty, from your bloodshot eyes. It hurts, and you start to see flashes of bright white stars under your eyelids, but it’s better than succumbing to the pain in your chest. Your heart shares a galaxy with the stars in your vision, a dying star that’s fizzling out, or maybe even being consumed by the void of a black hole. How morbidly comforting. You suddenly want to rip it out.

You wonder, just how difficult would it be to separate the Aether Core from your still-beating flesh…?

You try to shake the thoughts from your mind but they hold fast. Throwing the blankets off of your body, you leave your room hobbling like a zombie, make a beeline for the kitchen, and pull open a drawer.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

It’s late at night when there’s a knock at your door. A slight rap of the knuckles. A sharp one, two. Once, then twice, and on the third knock there’s another sound, too. A rattling jingle. And it’s times like these when you curse yourself for giving Zayne the extra key to your apartment.

He calls out your name as he steps in. You barely hear him. You’re not sure if it’s because he’s far away, or speaking quietly, or if you’re just that far gone into your own thoughts that everything else around you is muted.

He might have called only once, or a dozen times, by the time he reaches your room and spots your hunched figure on your bed. He says your name again, and this time you do hear him. 

You meet his gaze, steeled with concern, and immediately regret it. 

He sees you, really sees you, and all at once your façade crumbles once more. He approaches the edge of your bed, and you turn your eyes anywhere but at him as you brace yourself for impact.

“What are you doing?” he asks, but he already knows the answer.

Zayne grabs your wrist. Yet, his touch is gentle—firm enough to grip you, but soft enough that you could pull away if you wanted. You don't. You’re far too tired to fight anymore. You continue to stare at the floor with teary eyes, but there is resignation hanging heavy on your shoulders, like a wet blanket. Zayne takes your silent compliance as an okay to pull you along with him down the hallway of your dimly lit apartment and into the bathroom.

He sits you down on the toilet. The light clack of the lid hitting the porcelain beneath from your sudden weight seemed to jolt you awake a bit; your eyes refocus and follow his movements as he shuffles through the medicine cabinet. He pulls out a few things and then returns to tend to his patient.

"Hand. Here," he says as he holds out his own. You offer yours, and he meets you halfway. He always does. He’s as meticulous and calm as always as he cleans, disinfects, and wraps your wounds, ever the doctor, but there’s a certain softness in his motions that you’re sure he reserves for only his most cherished patients. 

Only for you.

The thought rolls a warm wave over you, the once wet blanket that had been dragging you down now fresh out of the laundry and wrapped carefully around you, cozy and hot and certain. There’s still a bit of damp spots here and there, but those will also dry in time. And you know Zayne will still be here when that time comes.

Your thoughts are broken when long fingers drag against your cheek, wiping away yet more damp spots and fanning through your shining lashes.

“You need to take better care of yourself,” Zayne says, repeating his words from earlier that day. Was that really only today? This day was lasting a lifetime. As with before, his tone holds no ice. You regret snapping at him when he was only trying to help. He must feel your tension, because he puffs a breath out through his nose just then, and the warm air tickles the hairs on your forehead. He places a kiss there, the barest brush of his lips on your skin. He pushes your hair back with long warm fingers, tucking a strand behind your ear. “If you need help with that, I’m here. Always. You need only ask.”

Later still and he’s tucking you into bed and giving your forehead another gentle kiss, making you feel like a kid again. He’s surprisingly good at that. You don't know how he does it.

Zayne follows you under the covers, and leaves you an open invitation to snuggle against him, if you wish. You gratefully accept, tucking your head under his chin as he envelops you. He’s very careful not to apply pressure to your bandaged skin. 

Right before you fall asleep, he whispers a promise of breakfast tomorrow, and dinner, and whatever else comes next. A promise of staying, no matter what.

#soft zayne is best zayne #change my mind (you won't) #love and deepspace #zayne #zayne x reader #zayne lads #l&ds #l&ds x reader #fics

[chronicdisasterwrites]

you can do better. i'm better

pairing: gojo satoru x reader (modern, college au)

genre + warnings: - FLUFF !! alcohol consumption, smoking, swearing, and a jealous and very flirty gojo. reader is gender neutral but is shorter than satoru and has long-ish hair.

word count: 1,934

summary: this is a song-fic based on this ask, the song being "FEEL" by Måneskin. for the full experience, start listening to the song after the 4th break, there'll be a very obvious indication in the dialogue!

enjoyyy <3

“So, there’s a party.”

You hum non-committedly, pen still dancing on your page as your eyes flit between your textbook and notebook. You hear a pen tapping against the wooden desk and try very hard to ignore it. The tapping gets louder and more constant until you’re unable to ignore it any longer. You release a long sigh as you look up at the person pest sitting before you.

"Okay, what?"

Shoko grins as she sets the pen down and clasps her hands underneath her chin, "There's a party. Let's go."

You stare at her for a few seconds before asking, "When, where, and why?"

"Tonight, at Mei Mei's place and because we can and should."

You groan, "I really don't wanna, Shoko. I have work and I'm so sleep-deprived I can't-"

Shoko shuts your books and flicks your forehead, ignoring the small "ow" that escapes your lips. She stands up and takes your things with her, "We are going, and that's that. You can sleep and work and whatever after the party. It's been way too long since we actually had some time to relax and I'm not going without you, so suck it up."

You dejectedly watch her leave with all your things and wonder why you even hang out with such a menace.

---

"Oi, Suguru."

The man in question is distracted, hunched over his desk, sketching away in his notebook with loud music blasting through his earphones. Satoru slams the door shut hoping it'll break his best friend's trance. Suguru feels the reverberation from the door slamming closed and tilts his head to look at a pouty Satoru with arms crossed across his chest. Suguru sends an apologetic smile as he takes off one earphone from the ear closest to Satoru, "Hey. Sorry, what's up?”

“There’s a party.”

Suguru pauses his song, suddenly concerned at how loud the volume was. Rolling his chair back and fully facing Satoru now he says, “Let me guess. We're going?”

He watches Satoru fall back on his bed sprawled out like a starfish. There's a pause before Satoru speaks, “Depends. Y’know if Shoko's going?”

Suguru gives him a sly smile, “I’m not sure. Why?” Satoru spares him a glance masked with disapproval, “Just asking, jeez. What's with the face?”

There's a laugh as Suguru stands up and makes his way to his closet, rummaging through his typical array of edgy, dark outfits. He hears the bed squeak and assumes Satoru is now sitting up, glaring at the back of his head. He decides to pull his leg a bit more, “Just sick of your childish antics.”

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Suguru sighs as he lays down his selected outfit on the side of the bed Satoru wasn't currently occupying. Satoru sighs exaggeratedly, obviously mocking his best friend and only gets a deadpan look as a response, "You just proved my point."

Satoru whines Suguru's name and falls back down on the bed, dropping his arm on Suguru's clothes, "You're annoying."

Suguru watches Satoru with amused eyes. He knows all about the silver-haired boy’s embarrassing crush on you. He flirts and teases you all day only to mope around and whine about why you don’t like him back. Suguru loves his best friend, but how much whining can a person take? Especially since he talks to Shoko, and Shoko is your best friend, and Shoko has informed Suguru that you very much do like Satoru back. 

With a snort, Suguru walks over to his chair and goes back to doing what he was doing when the man-child speaks again.

"Hey, make a playlist. Nanami will be there and I can't deal with any more of his depressing emo music."

---

When you got there, the party was in full swing. People are dancing on tabletops, drinking cheap beer and hard liquor, and smoking all kinds of things, and you're pretty sure you saw someone passed out on a desk littered with plastic cups and playing cards. Leave it to Mei Mei to throw the craziest parties in college history.

You wished you could cling on to Shoko through the entire night, but she ditched you with a simple pat on the back and a nonchalant "have fun", and so here you were, in the kitchen drinking something too colorful, and ridiculously sweet for your liking. Satoru would like this shit, you think, begrudgingly swallowing the concoction.

"You don't like the drink?"

You look over to your side and find a guy you've never seen before. The kitchen is more or less empty with a few people coming and going as the blaring music from the room connected to the kitchen shakes the walls. Sheepishly smiling and putting the glass on the counter you were leaning against you reply, "It's a bit too sweet for me."

The guy laughs a hearty chuckle and moves closer to stand right in front of you, blocking your view of the open entrance of the kitchen and the room conjoined to it. He's tall, not taller than Satoru, you deduce, and fairly good-looking.

"Ironic. You seem pretty sweet yourself."

You snort, "Wow, smooth."

He looks at you with half-lidded eyes and you know what he's thinking, as he reaches out his hand and introduces himself. You reciprocate and give him your name before adding, "I haven't seen you on campus before."

"Yeah, I don't go here. I'm a friend of Mei Mei's."

You nod your head slowly and look for an opening to get out of the conversation, "So, just here for the party?"

He grins and places both his hands on either side of you, caging you against the counter, hovering his face too close to yours for comfort, "Initially yeah, but now I think I found a better reason to stay."

You cringe internally. Oh god…

---

"What the fuck?"

Moving his eyes to follow Satoru's line of sight, Suguru scrunches his face, "Ouch. Sorry, man."

Satoru's eyebrows are drawn together and his eyes are flaming as the plastic cup crumples from his unyielding grip. He thinks about walking over to where you were in the kitchen and stomping all over that random guy's face until he looks like the red plastic cup; disfigured, sad, and lying motionless on the floor.

"Who the fuck is that guy?"

Suguru senses upcoming trouble as Satoru's anger starts to pulsate louder than the actual music. He takes another plastic cup and fills it with a concoction consisting of alcohol mixed with something fruity, handing it to an absolutely livid Gojo Satoru, "I dunno. Why don't you go and find out?" 

He watches Satoru down the entire cup after which he slams it on the table. They exchange glances as Satoru gives Suguru a sly grin, "Play something appropriate, will ya?"

Suguru watches with a smirk as his best friend marches over to the kitchen. Playing a song he deemed appropriate, he looks around to find Shoko talking to Utahime and saunters over to her, nudging her on the shoulder.

Glancing at him, she quirks an eyebrow as she takes a drag of her lit cigarette. Suguru points over at the kitchen as Shoko leans to the side to check out what he was gesturing to, and a wide grin blooms on both their faces. Their thoughts seemed to merge at that moment. This is either going to be really fun, or really bad.

---

“There you are, sweetheart!” 

Your attempt to maneuver yourself away from the counter and the man blocking your way was interrupted by the booming voice you know so very well. Peering over the guy’s shoulder you see Satoru sporting his usual smug smile, bounding toward you and gently wrapping his fingers around your wrist. The man immediately scampers five steps behind as Satoru towers over him, his intimidating posture and menacing grin wiping the overconfident facade the man was previously showcasing. Wrapping his arm around your waist, Satoru leans down to leave a kiss on the top of your head, all while keeping his piercing blue eyes locked on the terrified man’s pale face. 

“You done flirtin’ with my girl?”

The guy stutters face darkened in embarrassment as he rushes away, presumably to crawl into a hole and die. You watched the whole interaction with confusion overwhelming your senses. When Satoru’s arm drops from your waist, you snap back to reality as you laugh and look up at him with amused eyes, “Well, that was hilarious. Nice acting.” 

You expect him to laugh and just leave it be, so when his eyebrows furrow and eyes stare pointedly at you, your confusion comes rushing back. 

“Seriously? That loser?”

You wonder why Satoru’s being so hostile; maybe he doesn’t like that guy, maybe he’s just protective. But then you notice the light blush covering the apples of his cheeks and it hits you - Oh, he’s jealous.

Huffing, you lean against the counter crossing your arms across your chest and reciprocating the same pointed look right back at him, “Why do you care?” 

He stares at you for a few beats and then sighs and turns back around to leave, “Forget it.”

You have liked Satoru for a while now, but the boy never speaks freely. One moment he’s flirting with you nonchalantly, and right when you start to think he might like you as more than a friend, he does things like this. So you decide to persist this time by reaching out and grabbing his slender wrist, “Hold on, just tell me. Why do you care?”

You watch his shoulders rise up and down and before you realize what’s happening, Satoru whips around and cages you against the counter, similar to how to were trapped a few minutes ago, except this time you’re sure your heart skipped several beats. 

He drops his head next to your ear and whispers, “Because, I know you.” 

You feel his fingers run through your hair as he tucks a few strands behind your ear. Keeping you between him and the kitchen counter, he leans down and aligns his face directly across yours. You feel his sapphire eyes burn through your eyes to the back of your skull as he leans closer, his nose mere inches away from yours. “I know what makes you blush, I know what words you like to hear, I know what you want to feel…” 

Your face is getting exponentially warmer by the second and you think your heart is following the rhythm of the drums playing in the song currently blasting through the speakers. You stare at him wide-eyed and stunned at his antics.

“S-Satoru-”

His eyes trail down to your lips and then back to your eyes and his lips curl into that stupid smile you hate so much. At this point, you’re both breathing into each other's faces and he tilts his head to the side, eyes zoned in on your lips, inching forward until you can smell the sweet scent of alcohol and mint in his breath and the deodorant on his body. You’re too stunned to close your eyes, so you don’t miss the way his lips barely graze yours before he stands straight and grabs the cup you had previously abandoned on the countertop - a piece of information you had completely forgotten about. You watch him chug the entire drink and sigh in satisfaction, as he gently sets the cup down and moves back. “Sorry. Got carried away there,” his eyes are soft and your stomach is light as if filled with feathers. You’re speechless, shocked, and so bothered. Standing there with your heart lodged in your throat, you watch Satoru leave with a smile and not a clue in his pretty head on just how he makes you feel.

a/n: very special thanks to my dear @daisy-the-quake for test-reading this <;33

taglist: @thepup356, @porridgesblog, @stray-npc, @daisy-the-quake, @reignsaway, @ainetx, @icarusignite, @mariapierce789

#gojo x reader #gojo satoru #jujutsu kaisen #gojo satoru x reader #gojo fluff #gojo satoru fluff #jjk fluff #jjk gojo #satoru gojo #gojou satoru x reader #satoru gojou #satoru gojo x reader #gojo x you #songfic #oneshot #jjk imagine #jjk oneshot

[beanghostprincess]

Sanji has helped me in so many ways. I will forever be grateful for the creation of this character. He quite literally means the world to me right now.

(TW: ED/Depression/Suicide attempt mention)

I've always struggled with food. Well, not always. But at the end of middle school (more or less. Give or take. Age 12/13) I became obsessed with what I ate. I still don't know exactly how it started, but I think it has always been a mix of my need to control my life when it's crumbling down and the necessity to look skinny (both things are my mother's fault, mostly. And also lots of things going on at the moment). So I started skipping meals constantly and throwing away food and throwing up. Not gonna get into details, but it ruined my life without anybody knowing until a huge depressive episode came and then I tried to off myself, yadda yadda yadda. Then I just stopped eating food and my meals every day were basically a monster and gum and maybe a piece of fruit. I couldn't even drink milk without crying. Then it got a bit better. Then a bit worse. It wasn't very consistent. And then I started doing exercise but that only made me even more obsessed with calorie intake and healthy food and I still can't drink milk or bread without at least feeling awful about it.

And then I watched One Piece.

I know it sounds extremely silly and dumb, but it has helped me in so many ways. I'm not gonna get into all the things it has done for me, because then I'd have to talk about Robin, Nami, Luffy, Pudding and Buggy which are, like, the characters that have helped me the most next to Sanji, and I would not finish this post.

But Sanji is just so, so important to me.

He speaks about food with such passion. His whole thing about not wasting food literally comes from an experience of starvation and because of the sacrifice his father made for him. He keeps saying he refuses to let people go hungry, no matter what. That we all deserve to eat. He relates food to love and cooking is his whole life. It kind of started as a joke when my brother said "nooo, now you can't waste food because Sanji would be sad" and I- That day I literally ate wayyy more than usual with that thought in mind. And I didn't feel bad afterward for once. And he's just- He just makes me feel so comfortable around food. Which is the normal amount of comfort somebody should have and sometimes it's not even that, but it helps. It helps so much.

Then his whole thing with Germa and the Vinsmokes. It killed me. My relationship with my mother is, uh, you can call it complicated but I fucking hate her so. Yeah. And Sanji's story about rejecting his blood relatives and finding better people who will love him hit so close to home. Him being different. Weak. More emotional. A good person. Sanji refusing to use the name Vinsmoke. It's my whole life. Sanji self-sabotaging himself all the time and constantly sacrificing himself, too? I just can't do it, man, he means the world to me. And then Wano happens and he turns out to have the same body as his siblings but he's still himself. He's still Sanji no matter how much in common he has with the Vinsmokes. And as somebody who's constantly dealing with people telling them that they look like their mom? I fucking love it. I know I look like her and I even act like her sometimes but that doesn't mean I am her. And it doesn't mean she deserves to be part of my family, because she isn't and I can't wait to get rid of her in my life.

It's not only food and family, though. Sanji has helped me accept myself in so many ways too. In the way I perceive others and in the way I act. He has helped me eat. He has helped me realize you don't have to consider your blood relatives family if you don't love them. He has helped me see that my kindness is a strength and not a weak spot.

Not to mention that his whole thing with gender and sexuality, how the fandom portrays him, and how I personally write him has been of so much help in understanding myself. I recently discovered I was a lesbian, and also being genderfluid I just- I just love Sanji so much I be projecting my gender issues and internalized stuff with comphet on him. And let me tell you, it helps.

This whole thing is just something short and sweet I wanted to say because media affects people. In the best of ways. One Piece in general has saved my life in many ways, but Sanji in particular is still helping me every day.

#i love you sanji i love you i love you #i started crying while i wrote this lmfao pathetic behavior sorry sorry i love my boy too much #but one piece is literally my favorite thing i swear i haven't been happier in years #and i still struggle a lot with everything but it's a lot of help #one piece #black leg sanji

[fictionadventurer]

I went into Ruth expecting a dreary read. How could a Victorian "fallen woman" story be anything other than dark and depressing? So I was shocked right from the beginning to find a sweet, gentle, romantic story. The dressmaker's apprentice who sits in the coldest, darkest part of the workroom because that's where there's a panel painted with flowers that remind her of her country home? How could I not adopt her as a favorite character? Ruth's innocent, romantic outlook on life gave us some beautiful descriptions of the scenery of both city and countryside, and my imagination went on overdrive to create very vivid images of the story. Even the love story, which we know is going to go very wrong, starts out sweet, with a kind, charming love interest who only shows flashes of just how wrong his character is going to go.

Even after Ruth's fall, the story is so gentle, putting Ruth among kind people who are willing to risk and sacrifice a lot to help her. And then the story gets almost too gentle--after some initial struggles with depression, Ruth resolves to bear her troubles patiently and work toward virtue, and her sweet, too-innocent character gets flattened out into someone who's just Good. Life just goes on, with things generally going well, and every potential turn toward drama results in someone deciding to be reasonable, which can make the story drag.

But, in a story like this, the lack of drama becomes the plot twist! It is refreshing to see characters who don't always jump to the worst conclusion or take the worst action, who pause and consider the whole story and act like decent human beings.

And in the places when the drama does kick in, it's good drama. Painful drama. It's also (especially in the last section of the story) melodrama. There were sections of the book where I was rolling my eyes at the cookie-cutter Victorian path the story was taking--but then there'd be one line or one moment that would just stab me in the chest because of how beautifully specific it was to this story. Just enough to elevate it from something bland to something unique and fascinating.

I often had the thought that this book could be about a third of its length without losing anything--yet it should also be just as long as it was. If the story cut all its repetitive musings about Ruth's regret, and used that space to develop the side characters and and show the plot instead of telling us about it, it would be a much deeper story. I found myself wishing Gaskell had reworked this one later in her career--the way that North and South was a more skillful reworking of the issues explored in Mary Barton. In a way, she sort of did in Wives and Daughters, with the story of Molly the quiet innocent getting tangled up in the intrigues surrounding her headstrong, flirtatious stepsister Cynthia serving as a more layered, personality-flipped version of the story where headstrong, sheltered Jemima gets tangled in the story of quiet, sweet Ruth and her past romantic intrigues. (The doctor at the end of the story also feels like a proto-Mr. Gibson).

Yet I'm still fascinated by the themes specific to this story. Contrary to expectation, this "fallen woman" story isn't about sex, or gender, or how unfairly women are treated (though it does touch on that in the end). It's about sin. It's not questioning why Ruth's behavior is considered a sin or looking to dismantle the society saying that it's a sin. It comes from the Christian perspective of saying that sin is real and harms people--so how are we going to deal with that?

The story shows lots of people struggling with temptation, failing, and dealing with the consequences (or harming others with the consequences). Sin is always a case of either not caring enough to do the more difficult, good thing, or a case of "the ends justify the means", where people rationalize their bad behavior as something necessary in this specific case. It always leads to harm, but some people--and some sins--suffer greater consequences in the eyes of the world, whether or not they deserve it. I wish the story had developed and resolved this theme better in places, but the raw material there is fascinating food for thought.

This book is Gaskell at her preachiest, but also Gaskell at her kindest. It explores deep, difficult issues in a very loving way. As a story, there are ways it could be better, but I'm very glad I read it. Perhaps I'm making a point to be kinder to it because I know it's the type of story that today's readers tend to judge harshly. But amid my issues with the story, there are some lovely images, some great messages, and some wonderful characters that going to be living in my heart for a long time.

#elizabeth gaskell #ruth #(i should find out if there's a subtitle for this book because it'd be nice to have a less-generic tag for it) #this should have been like four separate posts #but i spent long enough rambling through this so i'm leaving it as is #as a book i'd say it just barely makes four stars #it's a story that i like better when i'm not reading #because there is a lot of food for thought #the story itself has a lot of great points when you're not trudging through the latest chapter of 'an entire year passed' #the imagination can distill it into the best parts and there's a lot that's vivid #also the pro-life thing! #how did i forget that? #the moment that mr. benson said 'you're confusing the sin with the consequences' i'm like 'slap that on a pro-life sticker! #the fact that the baby is always treated as a good! #that alone is worth the price of admission

[thelurchinghound]

Bunnyboy! Reader x Catboy! Oc

[Request info] - [Navigation]

Gender: Male (Can be cis or trans)

Idea: Based on a tweet I saw of a cat and bunny licking each other and one comment saying that cats give licks to show dominance and bunnies receive licks to be shown dominance, so they both think they are in charge.

Kinks/Warnings: Slight nsfw but it's marked, mostly just some small fluff of two dumbasses. There is a small mention of being in heat though so yeah.

A/n: Currently getting requests done, I didn't expect to get so many :') but I love every single one of them I get. Literally giggling and kicking my feet when I get them.

Oc(s) used: Casey (catboy) | Words: 560 | Proofread? No | NSFW? Slight

By hitting 'keep reading' you are accepting that you're fine with reading my content (Don't like? Don't read.)

Imagine, bunnyboy! Reader x a catboy! Oc. The reader gets brought home after Casey's owner notices the catboy getting depressed after the owner has to be away for extended periods due to their job.

At first, the two don't like each other, or well Casey hates the reader being around while the reader chooses to stay away from him. Casey thinks his owner is trying to replace him with a little runt. He will try to make the reader's life a living hell. Chasing the bunnyboy around, pranking him, stealing his food, biting him, and breaking stuff so he could blame it on the reader. Casey acts like a complete ass around the reader while being a little angel for their owner.

Both boys fight over random stuff and try to assert dominance over each other. This leads to scenarios like the reader lying on top of Casey or Casey rubbing his scent against the reader's stuff. Also, Casey will lick the reader to assert his dominance, but since the reader is a bunnyboy he thinks that Casey is showing submissiveness, so both of them think they are in charge.

Casey gets very protective of the reader and starts bunting the reader. He slowly starts getting used to the reader, showing more affectionate gestures. Casey even tries to copy how the bunnyboy shows affection. He starts to follow the reader around, trying to take up as much of the bunny's attention as he can. The catboy starts to use pet names like bunny, prince, runt, squirt, fluffy, etc. He still will tease the reader but in a more playful way and not trying to be mean.

He will try and court his bunnyboy, bringing him his toys or some random mouse he caught. With the reader often waking up to a dead rodent on them and Casey licking their ears while purring. If that doesn't work (but who wouldn't fall for someone bringing you dead rodents), he will try to swoon the reader with large gestures. Making breakfast for his bunny, cleaning up after them, grooming them more, bringing them more toys, massaging them, etc.

Slight yandere and nsfw after this:

He gets so obsessed with the reader that if his bunny gets taken, he starts to go full meltdown mode. It doesn't matter if it is just for a vet visit or a walk in the park. Casey won't stop yowling and crying for the reader, scratching at the doors and walls, even trying to escape to follow his bunny. When the reader is back, he smothers them, holding them close while rubbing his scent all over them. Casey won't let anyone close to the reader. The only exception is their owner (who isn't present most of the time).

Casey won't force himself upon the reader at all. Even if either of them are in heat. But if his bunny lets him help with his heat, he's bouncing off the walls. He will be top or bottom, no preference. If the reader offers to help with Casey's heat, he melts then and there. He wastes no time tearing off his clothes and presenting himself.

Alright, bye see y'all later

૮꒰ ˶• ༝ •˶꒱ა ./づᡕᠵ᠊ᡃ࡚ࠢ࠘ ⸝່ࠡࠣ᠊߯᠆ࠣ࠘ᡁࠣ࠘᠊᠊°.~♡︎

#male insert #male reader #x male reader #male x male #male x reader #🗡lurchers.ocs #Casey my catboy oc #Catboy oc #catboy #rabbitboy #rabbitboy reader #gay fanfiction #mxm #male reader insert #my oc #my ocs #My oc: Casey #male x ftm reader #ftm reader

[dervampireprince]

ASMR | Elisabeth das Musical - Der Tod x Listener SFW Death Becomes Entranced And Seduces A Lonely Prince

[M4M/GF4M] [Prince! Listener] [Seduction] [Manipulation] [Kissing - no character death, lore here is Death's kisses can kill if it's 'your time' but if it's not they don't but they're still cold and cause temporary frostbite-like symptoms] [TW implies the listener is depressed and has been experiencing suicidal ideation, Death at points advises the listener to kiss him which would kill them, please skip this audio if you think these issues could affect or trigger you and if you are affected by these issues please seek help and contact hotlines in your country. This audio is fictional, Death's attempts to be a voice of suicidal ideation should not be taken seriously nor applied to real life.] 

I've been wanting to make this audio for so long. While I've left it ambiguous enough to be enjoyed as an original audio, this character is actually from my favourite musical 'Elisabeth das Musical'. It's a German-language dark queer historical romance where Death (Der Tod) is drawn to those who think about him, in particular it follows the life of Elisabeth, Empress of Austria, and her son Rudolf. The musical does deal with serious mental health topics and some historical events from that time including the rise of fascism so please know that going in, but if you think you can handle such topics then I couldn't recommend the musical enough. 

The original 1992 Vienna production is on Youtube with English subtitles, that is my favourite production and means a lot to me as Uwe Kroger as Death is just... perfection to me, very much gender envy and has been a big influence on me and helped me with accepting myself and my gender expression, and his characterisation of Death as this genderfluid, pansexual otherworldly being is just beautiful. And if you enjoy then I'd also recommend the 2005 Vienna production which is also on Youtube with English subtitles mostly for the few extra added song and Serkan Kaya's performance as Lucheni.

For those of you in my Patreon Discord server, I streamed this musical last Sunday in there for you guys and it finally felt like the perfect time to bring this audio to life. And if Kronprinz is still around, I know you were requesting a Der Tod audio for a long time and I hope you're happy with this one. The listener in this audio series takes the place of Rudolf, but you don't need to know anything about the musical to understand these audios. I chose to present them more like my original royalty series audios as Elisabeth das Musical is not very well known outside of mainland Europe and Japan, so I hoped by framing it this way with a photograph of myself cosplaying Death from a couple years ago would entice more people who aren't familiar with the musical. 

I love this musical so much, European musicals in general are my biggest interest and if you go searching for them it wont be long until you find my sfw account @emptymasks posting too much about them. If you're interested in learning more I have some masterlists and info posts pinned on my emptymasks Tumblr, but also as part of my subathon rewards I am doing a stream on my Twitch explaining about infodumping about European musicals and I've been working on some video essays for years that I hope to get finished this year that will be up on my emptymasks Youtube channel. I also run @europeanmusicals . If any mutuals or followers from my main or side blogs finds this... well hello there, I find myself nervous to drop this in the euro musical tags, as if people are going to find this format of fanwork weird but well... I had fun, I hope you guys are nice about this (nice doesn't mean you have to like it, but please don't be mean about it if you just don't enjoy asmr or audio content).

Something something if I had a nickel for every time Prince voiced a personification of Death from different fandoms I'd have three nickels.

.

Old public spicy audios on sound gasm (link in pinned post). 2 Exclusive spicy audios on Patreon every month. I also stream on Twitch every week @ dervampireprince . [minors + ageless blogs dni. this blog is for 18+ only.] [do not repost/reupload/edit any of my content]

#elisabeth das musical #todolf #der tod #european musicals #der tod x rudolf #death x rudolf #der tod x reader #der tod x listener #the vampire whispers #royalty kink #Youtube

[red-apples-stuff]

Draken being supporting with his s/o recovering from CSA. (HCS)

Requested

Fandom: Tokyo Revengers

Pair: Draken x Reader (Gender wasn't mentioned in here)

Genre: Hurt/Comfort.

TW: Mentioning about sexual child abuse, depression, anxiety, panic attacks and nightmares.

Note: There is a possibility of writing mistakes, oops.

He knew something was off about you. Since the beginning of your relationship...hell, since you two were just friends.

He saw how you always flinched and jumped, scared, at the smallest movements around you.

And how you always move away when he wanted to touch you in any way.

He could feel that you hide something and could see your sadness behind every fake smile of yours.

Your depression and anxiety never went unnoticed by him

As much as he wanted to know what happaned and try to help, he didn't pushed it. Because he knew you will come to him when you felt ready.

Draken never doubted your trust in him, ofc. You just needed time, time he was willing to give you as much as you need.

When you finally opened up to him about your past, he was furious...

But tried to keep a calm face as best as he could, so the situation wouldn't aggravate.

"When I was around 8 years old, I got sexually abused by one of my dad's friends... He..." you started sobbing before going into too much details about this, and Draken took your hand into his

This was pretty much the only touch you were fully comfortable with by now without being startled, but just with him

"You don't have to go into details if you don't feel like. Your dad knows about this?" "No...I never told anyone before..." "Thank you for trusting me with such thing..."

From that day on, he became a little too protective with you.

He will keep an eye out on anyone who's interacting with you, wanting to be sure you are not uncomfortable or scared.

And God save the person who dares to touch you without your consent, especially inappropriately and made you trembling in fear, because it's literally over. He will be ready to fight them.

When you are not around, of course. He doesn't want to scare you more.

Draken also knows that there's also a possibility of you having nightmares or panic attacks, and he can't always be there for you

So he'll sneak in some of his shirts in your room when he is over at your place, so you could have something with you when you need comfort

You catch his gesture rapidly, and now always choose go to sleep in his clothes.

When the smell disappears from those shirts, you very subtle, not exactly, bring this up to him...

"The shirts doesn't smell like you anymore..." "Huuuh? What's that supposed to mean??" He'll bring you other shirts of his anyway, don't worry ;)

Also, Draken will try slowly to convince you to seek professional help... He won't push it, of course.

When you will finally think that you are ready to go to a therapist, but still feel extremly nervous about this, Draken will be like "Do you think it will help to ease your nerves if I'll go with you for some sessions?"

If you accept, then he'll do it without hesitation. Anything for you.

When you're struggling with opening up in the first sessions with your therapist, Draken will gently squeez your hand... basically his way of saying "Everything is gonna be ok. You're safe now."

After a while, you finally start going on these appointments alone, and Draken is super proud of you.

All in all, he will always be there for you and support you, help you as much as he can with your panic attacks, and will be careful with how he touches you every time, even after starting to heal.

He doesn't want anything bad to happen to you ever again, so be ready for having a 24/7 bodyguard. :))))

#x reader #y/n #fanfic #fanfiction #fiction #writing #tokyo revengers x reader #tokyo revengers #draken x you #draken x reader #draken x y/n

[solarmagickstar]

Not super into Jessie Gender, but I watched their video on "how we talk about trans men" and I've gotta say it was disappointing asf.

As a trans masc/guy I feel like I can't really have an opinion? Like for me it's like I'm too scared to be angry, like if I am it's just gonna be thrown back at me like "oh it must be those testosterone hormones coming out" or "well of course your all angry your a man" like men can't be sensitive at all or something? It's almost always said in a way to "give me euphoria" cause that's how we're supposed to treat men.

At times it really feels like we're being pushed out of queer spaces because we'll if your a guy you wouldn't wanna be a part of the marginalised group ya know cause "we're escaping to get to privilege" right?

I don't feel like our experience with gender is allowed to be expressed openly and we're absolutely not allowed to be GNC. And honestly the same could probably be said for GNC trans fems too, I don't see a lot of them either.

I feel like in Jessie gender's video they kinda didn't *actually* wanna sit with what they said originally? Like when it came to the Barbie movie I wanted to participate in the conversation of girl hood and how that's still relevant to me and how it's shaped me as the person I am today, how much I enjoyed the Ken dolls experience and how they played with masculine fashion in a way I hadn't seen in a while. But honestly I felt like well this movies for the girls so I probably shouldn't say anything.

Sometimes I wonder if we partially do this to ourselves because a lot of us keep to ourselves and don't really wanna be seen half the time. I haven't talked to the trans masc I knew since we all left Facebook, it's so lonely out here and the more I look for trans content the more I see trans fems and basically only white trans masc (with like maybe 2 poc ones but is that really all we get?) It makes me feel like I don't exist. The only places I can see poc trans masc viking or existing is on sites run by a variety of trans people or is run by a trans masc person living free.

When I see that I think, thank god your fucking real. Thank god I see someone like me thriving and existing out there.

I wanna see more of y'all, like actually see y'all, I feel like I'm fading away as more and more content keeps talking about how bad trans fems (oh and non binary but let's not define what you mean or who you're talking about we just throw them in there cause let's be more inclusive right? But only to you? Great) but the amount of trauma that's in the trans masc community is horrific and is not talked about or addressed at all.

In men's spaces there's not room for queer most of the time, so to find a place to belong and essentially get told my issues aren't as important or that trans fems ("and nonbinary" cause again you're lying to yourself by saying this even if your non-binary) then you're fundamentally missing out on our lives. I don't even feel like we have enough data on us because even the trans masc get lumped in with nonbinary or GNC like that's just fucking normal.

I remember a study was out on trans masc and GNC women about how often all of us deal with sexual assault and it's the closest I've seen and it wasn't even good findings it was depressing. I wish I could find it again. But again that study put us with GNC (pretty sure it was cis) women!

Please not this is coming from someone who's been SA'd pre and post coming out as trans. Did you know some people see us as a way to see if they're gay or bi? Like experiment on us, get us drunk and tell us we should just take it because "well you're supposed to be a man right?" We can't even get to these conversations yet and I'm worried we never will.

Do we even exist? Are we allowed to voice our opinions? Are we allowed to be mad? Are we allowed to be upset with our community? Can we do our own studies? Should we be more visible? I'm scared to, I don't wanna show my face I'm a very private person, but do I need to address that? Is that a bad thing? Is it perpetuated by my environment?

I don't know and honestly I just wanna see more variety of trans masc people, I'm scared we're just gonna stay under the radar and continue to deal with the bullshit we always have.

Ps. Jessie gender 100% did the I have a trans masc friend, no matter how much they said "I'm not doing that" they literally were doing it and there was almost no self reflection on that at all. This wasn't really the video I think they thought it was cause all it did was tell me they don't talk to us very often and that at this point I've just seen heart reacts to comments on their video's comments and not any actual responses to what anyone's said on there. It'll be a process I get it but this video was not good at all and I feel like any trans masc who's getting excited about being seen by a bigish YouTuber is like me desperate for anything validation cause that's kinda how starved we are out here tbh.

#transgender #transmasc #trans man #trans #trans guy #jessie gender #youtube #ftm #ftm trans #non bianry #nonbinary

[angelboystarshine]

Adam's Intro

Hello!

My name is Adam, or @angelboystarshine. I'm an autistic angelkin transboy with a whole lotta love <3 and so many interests! I am transage and 12. I hope I can make you feel welcome on my page, and it's going to be so cool to have my own little niche of the internet just for me and my digital friends.

I Have No DNI, But...

I encourage everybody to be mindful and respectful, in spite of any differing opinions. Our opinions are what make us unique, and that's awesome! I try my best to be kind and welcoming, and I'm counting on you to help me create a safe space for everyone who wants to participate.

For more about me, look under the cut!

Warning: Some contents going forward may be triggering for some. Look after yourself!

My Labels

Q: Why so many labels?

A: Good question! I don't exactly attribute much value to the way I label myself - they are just words, after all - but I find that it's a good way to help others get to know me. Of course, I'm more than just a set of labels. My personality is my own. It's an amalgamation of the experiences I've lived, the people I've loved, and the lessons I've learned. My personality is special, just like me!

Pronouns

My main pronouns are he/him. I also go by they/them, xie/xim, il/lui, mew/mews, and ai/ais.

Genders

Transgender

Transsexual

Transmasculine

Genderqueer

Gender Non-Conforming

Q: What does that mean?

A: I'm a mostly binary trans boy with a DSM-5 typical presentation of gender dysphoria. I'm currently on HRT and I am planning to further medically transition in the future. As I start to feel at home in my body, I'm exploring my gender by allowing myself to be comfortable with expressing it in nontraditional ways.

My identity may change in some ways, and it may not. That's the beauty of growth; it's not linear, and it's an important part of finding yourself!

Orientations

Aromantic

Grayromantic

Analloerotic

Autosexual

Fictosexual

Achillean

MLM Homoflexible

Paraphilias (I'll keep these private!)

Q: What does that mean?

A: I'm not interested in a romantic relationship, but I can have strong platonic bonds. I do have sexual urges, but I have no desire for a sexual relationship. I'm most comfortable satisfying those urges by myself. I frequently get crushes on fictional characters (mostly male/male-aligned).

Despite the fact that I don't feel romantic attraction, I still love, bond, and feel very deeply. My platonic relationships with family and friends are the best parts of my life, and I'm so fortunate to be surrounded by people who love and support me.

IDs

Q: What do the terms "cis" and "trans" mean in this context?

A: In this case, the term "cis" refers to something that is true for me biologically or bodily. It is the opposite of "trans."

Alternately, the term "trans" refers to something that I feel should be true, or that I want to be true. It is the opposite of "cis."

❤️: professionally diagnosed

⭐️: self-diagnosed

Cis

❤️ Autism - Moderate Support Needs

❤️ Anxiety

❤️ Depression

❤️ ADHD

❤️ Urge Incontinence

❤️ Asthma

❤️ Gender Dysphoria

⭐️ Agoraphobia

⭐️ Dyspraxia

⭐️ Selective Mutism

Trans

TransID

Angelkin

Transabled

Transellic

Transseverity

Crutchquior

Wheelchairquior

Transambulatory

Dismokaddict

Translisp

Transage

Permatween

Autikid

Trauma-Age

Transunderweight

Suspected

Autism-Related Catatonia

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

Miscellaneous

Indigo Child

Touch-Averse

Thumbsucker

Nearsighted

Noise Sensitive

Agnostic Atheist

Easily Frightened

Diaper-Wearer

Momma's Boy

Angelkin

Q: What does that mean?

A: I am a Nonreligious Cherubflux Angelkin. I'm an Agnostic Atheist, but I feel strongly connected to the traditional Christian depiction of Cherubim, especially in Renaissance/Romanticism-era portraiture.

Links

Here are a few links for you to get to know me!

Rentry

Gender & Sexuality Spectrum

Attraction Layer Cake

Pronouns Page

Special Thanks!

I'd like to say thanks to the radqueer community, especially Dino! 🦕 You have been so exceptionally kind and encouraging in giving me and others like me a space to not only express individuality in safety, but to be a part of an accepting community. You guys have been such darlings and I'm excited to see what comes next!

#lgbt #lgbtq #lgbtqia #lgbt+ #lgbtq+ #lgbtqia+ #mogai #mogai gender #mogai safe #transid #radqueer #pro rq 🌈🍓 #pro radqueer #rad inclus #rq 🌈🍓 #rq community #rq safe #rqc🌈🍓 #rq please interact #🌈🍓

[catboybiologist]

Hello, I've heard from a few trans women that their transition made higher education impossible I wasn't sure if they were talking about college or grad school, but since you're a woman in a PhD program I was wondering if you think transitioning would make getting a higher education harder.

Thanks

Someone who might be trans that wants to pursue a master's

Hm. This is weird to answer. Unfortunately I can't offer TOO much insight here. I'm very much a baby trans (~1.5 months HRT) and I present as a man day to day without issue (seriously, y'all have NO idea how masculine I look outside of my pictures). When I do finally socially transition, I'll probably have more thoughts.

With that out of the way, here's my personal experience so far:

I don't think I would have transitioned if I was NOT in academia/pursuing my PhD. I think most of the issues people run into can be divided into three categories:

1. Financial difficulty with acquiring HRT or other gender affirming care

2. Closer ties (financially and emotionally) to family and being seen less as an independent adult means greater pressure to not transition, and consequences if you do

3. Academic stress and pressure while you're undergoing emotional changes that may make things difficult short term.

Personally I was able to dodge most of those issues.

A huge part of this is because I spent a lot of time meticulously ensuring a lot of aspects of my life are in place before I started HRT. I waited until I was out of undergrad, which has weirder finances, I scoped out options at my student health center vs in the community, established queer community, waited a year to start in a good lab and establish there, scoped that lab out for queer acceptance before I joined, and in general became more financially and emotionally secure. Also, while I'm still in good terms with my parents, I'm not financially or emotionally reliant on them anymore- so if that changes when I come out, it won't affect me as much.

Looking back, it's hard to say whether I would recommend doing things this way. During the time that I was "figuring things out", I was dying. I was depressed and aimless, and I couldn't make happiness or contentment my baseline emotion. Starting an online femboy account was my only outlet for a while. Also, my results are going to be less drastic now that I've waited until I'm 25 to start.

Obviously, I still have the stress of a PhD to worry about while my emotions and body are changing. But to be honest.... My PhD has been kinder to me academically than my undergrad. All of my goals center around two or three long term, overarching projects instead of a million tiny assignment and study snippets from a million directions. I personally think this is easier to manage even if it's more work overall.

In return, the academia environment has been good to me about my queerness. There's a gender care specialist on campus via student health where I can get HRT, queer organizations and events are much easier to come by in a university environment, and people on average are far more educated and open minded towards LGBT issues than the general public. I have a role in the main queer graduate student group here, and it would have been hard for me to find explicitly supportive friends without that.

I'm gonna throw an additional paranoid note your way: a master's degree is hell for everyone. While the exact ways in which this is true vary from program to program, but in general, they feel like the worst of both worlds from undergrad and a PhD. You're locked out of or have less of a chance for the financial stability and employment positions of a PhD position, but you're also locked out of the financial aid and support of undergrads. I'm very biased from a miserable MS experience, though.

So yeah. I think my experience has been different than a lot of people, but I hope there was some small insight there!

#trans #transfemme #transitioning #academia #transgender

[crmsnmth]

That Old Dysphoric Waltz

Some days I hate my teeth I somehow become aware they're in my mouth and I can't stop running my tongue along the edges learning the mountain range of molars And they begin to hurt Because a look in the mirror says they are far to close togethor Clumped into one big coffee stained clump I want to pull them out Tie each one off with fishing line and finding someone to slam the door. Dentures seem like a great idea, but I don't have dental on state funded healthcare I can feel my gums throb from the toothbrush Sometimes spitting more blood then not into the sink clockwise down the drain

Some days I hate the clothes I wear I hate the way they sit on my body, folding over, sleeves riding up, I can feel the tag and I scratch at them and readjust spending far too much time fixing the clothes I have chosen to wear I want to burn them all and start over in a whole new style one that isn't monochrome and something a high school metal kid would wear Looking like I never learned how to grow up Without horror movie shirts and black jeans bandannas and scarves Still a teen with an aged body

Some days I hate the very skin I'm in Seeing all it's flaws and tears and scars Hating the contours made by sharp edges and spikes Despising the ink I thought so hard about before I committed it to flesh I get sickened by seeing the emancipated skin that's tight over visible bones and muscles that are much too small to provide any use Just the strings to an out of tune guitar With a bent neck, so the screws can't be fixed At least not with knowledge I have of such things So I'll just ignore each ache and pain I feel Until they go away, abandonment by ligaments Fingers much too long for praying Eyes half tilted and far away I never look as if I'm paying attention not that I am

Some days I hate the gender that I am the mirror lies to us every chance it gets I hate the shape of my body not seeing the movements felt staying behind doors, learning how to hide any fact like this we just don't talk about unless it's made in jest and in hate So keep your mouth shut and hate in silence Ridicule is avoided by anyone with heart And the confusion only makes things worth Hating your friends because they unknowingly hate part of you It's a pretty messed up way to go about your day Smile and wave, pretend the joke is just a joke And that secretly, everyone around isn't laughing anymore And the joke eventually becomes fear becomes isolation becomes alienation becomes annihilation Small town words spread like a fire in a dry pine forest

Some days I hate my brain Not making any sense And making thoughts that have no view The awkward panic and fear of rejection the need for abandonment and depression Living with chemicals rebuilt from time capsules from 1948 and whatever sedative we can find It's better than gray clothing and frosted glass I never really like a trilogy anyway And I've been on this hate before Letting the conflict of my right vs left battle Figure out what we're going to do today Fatty deposit of electricity That is constantly working to constantly Sabotage and end itself with bad ideas and even worse impulse control I couldn't tell you how to do better

Most days I love everything I am Everything I've stood for Everything I've done Even if I die right now, I have on hell of a story to share And I'll gladly whisper it to the worms Eternity won't be bad speaking to decay Death will wave his hand along my being And I'll talk his fucking ear off about all of my memories I love the face I wear, coffee stained teeth in all And every morning after a shower, I pick my favorite shirts and my comfortable jeans, proud of the hockey mask graphic I see my body and I'm happy it's still here, after all it's been And I see my gender right where it should be, even if the feelings towards my so-called friends don't But that just means my mind has morals and principles And is able to think through complex thought Finding logic and thought and emotion all ripping through it It's downright amazing to think about. It's okay to have bad days It gets better. It will always get better.

#writers and poets #poems on tumblr #original poem #poem #poems #poetry #poetblr #spilled thoughts #spilled feelings #spilled writing #writing #my writing #spilled poetry #spilled emotions #spilled words #writers on tumblr #poets and writers #creative writing #writerscommunity #writerscorner #writer #poetry community #outlawpoetry #lawlesspoetry

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hello lovely, this is re: sex witch stuff. do you have any advice for figuring out whether what's up with you is an a-spec thing or a depression thing?

context being: I've suspected I'm somewhere on the asexuality spectrum because I don't usually get *attracted* attracted to people unless I've gotten to know them somewhat. but at the same time, I've been depressed since I was a young teen and in the past few years, my libido has definitely gone down and I usually only get horny around my period. part of it is probably the meds and the fact that I'm Exhausted all the time (being in uni and having to be an adult doesn't help lol). I'm 23 and still a virgin, but I do get the sense that I would enjoy casual sex or an FWB situation. the other thing is - I do enjoy my own company, and I know I'm probably not in the best place to be in a relationship, but at the same time I'm a little lonely and would love to be in that long-term relationship stage of things yk? but I have no great desire to be actively dating (lack of energy also factors into this), and hookups are not a big thing in my culture so sex kind of goes with dating. which is why I still can't figure out whether this is more of an a-spec thing or depression + mild social anxiety thing :/

I'm the last anon about aspec vs depression thing. forgot if I mentioned it or not but I'm 23F, bi (I think. I tend to use queer. never actually been on a date with a girl before) and cis so there isn't any major gender or sexuality issues complicating things. I do have some body insecurities which may play into it (was naturally quite slim and then I lost more weight in the past 2 years due to meds which means my boobs are even smaller than before) but overall i think I'm fairly body neutral at this point 🤷‍♀️

hi anon,

I'm going to say something that I worry has the chance to come across as condescending and I want you to know that that's not my intent at all. I'm not trying to downplay your curiosity or exploration of self, or the mental health experiences that you've had. you're the predominant expert on yourself, and you can feel free to disregard all of this.

having said that:

what you're describing doesn't sound like it's solely a depression thing or necessarily an asexual thing at all. it sounds like being a busy 23 year old with a lot on their plate and having more pressing things to focus on than sex, even though sex sounds kind of nice. that's very normal for lots of people whether they're asexual or not, and it's actually great to hear that you're aware that you're not in the best place for a relationship and that you're already comfortable in your own company. it may not be the most fun thing, but being self-aware and able to be happy on your own are both important skills to cultivate.

you definitely could be asexual! I'm not denying that! but just chilling sex-free while you're busy and stressed and tired with uni and other things isn't hard proof, especially when it sounds like sex is something you think would be fun and desired for you if it were a better fit for your life right now.

some further reading that may be helpful:

The Sex Myth (Rachel Hills) - one of the very first sex books I read back in my baby sex witch days; a helpful reveal that most people are, on average, not having as much sex as they claim or want to be having

Come As You Are (Emily Nagoski) - neat insights from Dr. Nagoski about the ways that stress and other factors fuck with cis womens' sex drive and sexuality (and how to approach that with grace and self-compassion)

Ace (Angela Chen) - a phenomenal look at the experience of asexuality by an asexual writer, which may be helpful in determining if asexuality feels like the right label for your experiences

#sex edventures 2023

[awryen]

If you have ever wondered why I don't reblog much Hythades art, despite loving those two together (both platonically and romantically), it's for a reason.

I don't hate the ship. I actually like it.

I'm getting *that* out of the way right now.

It's the behavior of Hythades shippers after Endwalker that really soured me on the ship as a standalone couple.

And it's all thanks to how they treat Azem (or don't, as the case may be. azem tends to not exist more times than not) and to how they treat EmetWoL shippers. *Especially* EmetWoL shippers whose WoL identifies as female. Or presents as physically fem with all the cis female attributes (boobs, vagina, etc). Basically, get the icky cooties away from our precious gay bois.

The misogyny was, and still is, very strong among Hythades shippers.

There's also the fact that some of the more overzealous ones insist they are canonically together and married when the narrative neither confirms nor denies this at all (just like everything else in this game). And they get mean about it.

Having that *headcanon* is fine. Stating as fact and getting militant about it is not.

Plus, for myself anyway, any Hythades in the Hythazemet and WolHythades ships are always going to be overshadowed by Azemet and EmetWoL. It's my preference, but it's also born of a desire to see Azem and WoL treated well with the two of them (or as well as can be with a massively traumatized 12000 year old depressed man).

Needless to say, to those shippers: there is *no wrong way* to ship Emet, Hythlodaeus, or Azem/WoL. Any combo is good, any sexuality is good, and any gender identity (or non identity) is good.

Stop being pissants to other people. And stop treating Azem like shit or like they don't exist at all. Azem is *just* as important to the both of them as they are to Azem. The game made *that* part *very* clear.

This was done on purpose so that *everyone* could play in the sandbox. The sandbox is *not* exclusively yours.

#rant #ffxiv #was this necessary? no #but i'm getting back on my emetwol bs and wolhythades bs and i don't need those types near me