#I was like that because I was in a hopeless situation and hated myself and hated everyone else | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bsverryin · 9 months

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: ̗̀➛ Sending genshin men the wrong message.

part 1

Who?

╰┈➤ Ayato, diluc , alhaitham

situation?

╰┈➤ you sent the wrong message to your boss which was supposed to be for your brother.

✎ this is an au (diluc still has the wine Business)!! Characters is your boss who likes you secretly. ⚠️ Use of cuss words... I'm trying my best to make them character like so be nice jk <3 they are just my genshin top 3 so I made this then I can also read it myself 😭 anyways enjoy <3 cannot assure you of perfect grammar !! I like to keep it simple

: ̗̀➛ AYATO

You accidentally sent those to Ayato, your boss because you kept thinking about him and how you hate his strict side. He doesn't smile and he always looks mad whenever you don't finish on time, it was his fault for giving you so much work. If there's a time where he's good to you it's the time when you finish all the work that he assigned for you to do fast. The next day after that, he'll assign you more and more and it gets annoying knowing you have to work overtime again.

You sent it accidentally because, you weren't focused enough. You are focused trying to guess the time what time you can come home. The first person on your chats list was always your brother so you just got used to it and clicked it without looking. Now you're standing there, in his office expecting him to scream and fire you after sending him such ridiculous messages.

"So..Y/N did I really assign you a ton of work?" It was the first thing he said before firing you, or that's what you thought.

You shook your head.

"No, sir. It's not that..it's just umm, my girl days are acting up I didn't mean those I'm sorry! It won't happen again. I promise."

It was a lie but you were desperate. You didn't want to lose this job because it would be too hard to find another.

"Girl days? You could simply tell me if I'm giving you too much work, I can work on that and I understand if you're tired, but you didn't have to-" He was cutted of by you apologizing to him.

"No it's not that! I'm really sorry. I apologize. I'll take the consequences of my reckless actions." You said as you bowed to him to show your sincerity.

You took the consequences of your actions, it was just your boss giving you work but your work gets easier and less time by time, you didn't understand why of course but people are gossiping about how your boss likes you which you didn't believe at first but he becomes more gentle and gentle to you. You fell for him and when you started dating him, you found out your boss likes you for so long and was actually hurt by the wrong messages you sent, but it's alright now because you kept kissing him and telling him how much you love him.

: ̗̀➛ DILUC

When you saw that reply from Diluc, your boss. You really tried to run away and hide yourself forever. You're using your phone while working? He'll probably scream at you and fire you. That's what you thought. The only reason why you sent that message to him instead of your brother was because you're WORKING. You had to focus on making a drink first while using your phone, it wasn't allowed when your boss was there and one day he just wasn't and you thought it's okay for you to do that.

That's why, it happened. You thought your job was over and you can't do anything about it. Just by thinking what your boss would do to you when you meet him the next day scares the shit of you, well you did compliment him so you hope he'll let it slide but at the same time you also said that it was a loss. You had to go to the tavern, sleepless who looks hopeless at the same time, now you're just standing in front of your boss, diluc while he's at his chair looking really fresh and cool.

"Care to explain?, Y/N" He said, he wasn't looking at you. He's doing his work while waiting for you to speak for yourself.

"I won't do it again, it's really wrong for me to speak bad things about you when you're the one who's helping me to earn money, I'm really sorry. Sir." You said as you bowed to him, when you tried to look at him, he looked confused and stressed by just what you said.

"I'm not talking about that, Y/N. I'm telling you to explain why were you using your phone while doing your work? It's forbidden, you know that right?" Now you felt more embarrassed than you did before. You apologized for speaking bad about him but not using your phone in the middle of your work.

"It was reckless behavior that I did, sir. I'm really sorry. I won't do it ever again. I will do everything I can to assure you that."

He didn't fire you and just told you to do your work, however you couldn't focus for months because of what you did. Diluc was the one who REALLY assured you that it's fine just don't do it again. He's straight up being sweet towards you. You didn't think about it at first but you completely fell in love with him. You may have told him that you loved him when you were drunk and magically out of nowhere, you both started dating after getting drunk that night.

: ̗̀➛ ALHAITHAM

Alhaitham was flabbergasted when you sent those messages and the fact that you didn't realize it because you're that BUSY typing was something else. You just didn't mind it and waited for your iced coffee that was paid by your brother patiently, I mean you always ask your brother to deliver coffee to you so he knows what to do so you just continued your work like nothing.

How did you realize it, you ask? It was when your iced coffee was delivered by your co-workers saying that it was for you, and when you're about to thank your brother through chats you realized your boss, alhaitham was the one you messaged to deliver you coffee. It was so embarrassing but you're thankful at the same time because your boss really did buy you COFFEE but still it was straight up embarrassing making your boss buy you a coffee, so when you finished typing the files that your boss assigned you to, you immediately went to his office, he was the one who started the conversation.

"How was the coffee, Y/N?" He asked while you hand him the files he asked for. He sounded sarcastic that you didn't know what to answer.

"It was a wrong sent message sir, I'm really sorry. I can pay you right now. I'm just really sorry." It was so embarrassing for you, that you couldn't even move your body, you looked at the floor the whole time not bothering to look at him.

"It's alright, you said it yourself. I should pay more respect to my employees especially you."

You avoided your boss after that talk. You'd go the other way around whenever you see him in the office and when you give him the files he needs, you'll immediately leave. You thought you were doing very well avoiding him but destiny had other plans. Whenever you're down and alone, you just see him. You see him everywhere you go, anywhere you lay your eyes too. He just can't be avoided whatever you do. He knows what you're doing he looks like he's unbothered but he's really bothered by you avoiding him all the time, like did he look that scary to you?

Well, he found a way to talk to you and tell you that it's okay it's not a big deal and when you had that talk with him everything felt better. You felt relieved and happy because you felt like you had a beef with your boss, Now whenever you hand him the files he needs, you stay for a little talk and it becomes a hobby for the both of you, he was cold and sweet but you realized he's all that you ever wanted. When you both started dating he may have given you a new office that's very close to his so that he can see and talk to you everyday and anytime he wants.

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dulcelem · 8 days

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An analysis of Ivan's life

Part 1

I've thought about doing this since I finished alnst. Reasons? I wanted to try to better understand what was going on in this man's head trying to base myself solely on official things. Also, this is all written under the assumption that events are shown to us chronologically, even tho I know that may not be correct. I'm just trying to see a different point of view. Without much ado:

From the beginning, when Ivan is adopted by an alien, he is taken to places without a collar, offering his absolute submission (because of his apparent apathy towards the situation) in exchange for not being abused. Compared to Till's life, his life was monotonous and not very eventful—after all, how could there be turmoil if the aliens seemed to adore him?

Truly like a tamed pet, he followed his owner wherever the latter wanted. Not only that, but he has a certain kind of affinity with the alien that Mizi and Till previously encountered. In short, even before performing on stage, Ivan already had everything he needed to be one of the most loved by the public, not to mention that his owner was a businessman, as Ivan himself admits in the interview.

However, Ivan was an unexpressive child who did not know how to show emotions, or, perhaps, because he lived in a world so different from how it should be, few things impressed him to the point of showing reactions. A tamed, loved dog that didn't cause any problems: perfect.

Despite the fact that Mizi, Sua and Till were his only colleagues, in the interview he states that he had many "friends", that is, people also liked him. However, the feeling didn't seem to be exactly reciprocal: they all seemed trivial to Ivan. Unlike them, these three friends he had, each one meant a different thing.

Starting with Sua, it has already been made clear to us that he identified with her to the point of thinking that they were the same. There could be several reasons for this, the same background, similar stories, but I will highlight what I think is most likely: apathy. Ivan comments on Sua's eyes as she looks at Mizi with such resentment that I can't help but think that's one of the biggest similarities between them. Dead, empty and hopeless eyes. That world is all they know, all they will ever know. Her succinct, reserved, and quiet personality reminded him of his own. That is, until he sees the way her eyes light up when she sees her goddess, her universe — her clematis. Suddenly, he once again became the only different child in that place and, as if that wasn't enough, Sua's goddess returned all that sparkle in her eyes in a way that the person he chose never did, would never do. Anger, frustration, confusion—envy. Something bitter, ugly and painful.

As for Sua's beloved, Ivan doesn't seem to have bad strong feelings for Mizi. No jealousy, no hate. All we see between them are friendly and kind interactions (in particular, Ivan reminds me of an older brother when it comes to MiziSua). Nothing as expected. He likely understands that it's not her fault that Till doesn't love him back. A curious fact in their relationship is that Mizi's blinding light doesn't seem to affect Ivan. While others cling to her like a beacon amid the darkness and water in the desert, Ivan is not affected.

#alien stage #alnst #ivantill #alnst ivan #ivan #alien stage ivan #alnst mizi #sua alien stage #till alien stage #alnst till #guys this is going to be LONG #he's so........#i need to study him

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ellievickstar · 7 months

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River Side Confessions.

Summary: When you ask the shadow singer to help train your muscles, one thing leads to another, and you both end up together.

Request: N/A

Pairing: Azriel x Reader

Warnings: Pranks, Azriel threatening the sanctity and secrecy of cookie stashes.

~*~*~*~*~

“When I said ‘train me to become stronger’, I really didn’t mean ‘drag me to the mountains and force me into a river’.” You were annoyed to say the least. Annoyed and sick of Azriel who was currently chuckling at you from a rock near by, standing tall as he looked down at you with those hazel eyes.

Earlier this week you had asked him if he was free to do some extra training with you because you felt like you were becoming rusty, especially since all the big wars and battles were over and all you dealt with were the occasional illyrian brute in the difficult camps.

In retrospect, you should have asked someone else. However, Azriel was significantly better than Cassian and if Cassian had gotten a hint that you wanted even a little extra training, cauldron forbid whatever he would have planned.

So maybe standing in a river trying to maintain your balance against the strong current was a decent situation, but that did not mean that you would not complain about it.

“This is training,” Azriel retorted, “With all the moping around since the war and utter lack of missions on a whole, your core muscles has probably weakened, and in hand-to-hand combat, that isn’t good, princess,” You glared at him harder.

“In simple words,” He continued, “You would be screwed if you were on a battle field right now.” Rolling you eyes, you hated that what he said was true. You had noticed that your muscles had weakened, though your technique was flawless, posture can be everything in close combat, and relying on your magic was not an option especially since Hybern had brought concoctions like Faebane into play.

Cursing at yourself, you despised how your heart seemed to leap and swoon at the nickname, and you hated how your stomach seemed to be in knots at the tired and sultry look Azriel was giving you.

Nesta would probably be screaming in your ear right now that this was some romance scene and the two of you would realise that you were both meant for each other.

Bullshit.

And maybe you should have known better than to fixate on your very real and long-term crush on the shadowsinger because just as you wanted to roll your eyes again at the thought of Nesta and her hopeless romantic novels, your foot slipped and you squealed as you fell into the water and was thrown against the rock that Azriel was standing on.

You heard Azriel curse as he grabbed you by your shoulder and hauled you out of the water.

“Shit shit shit,” Gritting his teeth he flew you to land and lay you down gently, you were bleeding from your head and you could feel the warm liquid trickle down the side of your head. However, instead of opening your eyes, you kept them closed, it was payback time.

You could feel Azriel’s hands travel up and down your body as he scanned you for injuries. “Open your damn eyes,” He bit out, it seemed like a command but you could hear his desperation. He probably knew that you wouldn’t die from such injuries and that waiting around for a bit would allow you to wake up. But you wanted to know what he would say…if there was anything to say.

“Dammit, Y/N please, you can’t be freaking unconscious from hitting a rock and if I actually hurt you I couldn’t live with myself, so open your bloody eyes,” He begged, but Azriel noticed the slight curve in your lips that you were trying to desperately hold back, and as he connected the dots he grinned.

“Well if you are unconscious I guess you don’t mind me eating your secret stash of cookies and also telling Cassian where you like to hide your stash,” Azriel drawled and you shot up so fast as you glared at him, hard. “You tell Cassian, that thief, about MY cookies, and I will break your kneecaps and pry them off with a crowbar,” You hissed. Chuckling, Azriel stroked a hand through your

“Calm down, Little Psycho, besides, you deserve it after scaring me like that,” He teased. Your heart skipped a beat at the nickname, but you rolled your eyes as you huffed. “If anyone is the psycho, it’s you. Everyone else knows that cookies are sacred,” Looking away, that was when you realised that you were pressed up against Azriel when you had sat up from your lying down ‘knocked out’ position you had curled up subconsciously to his warmth because the water on you skin made you feel unbearably cold.

As if he had also realised it at the same time, you could have sworn Azriel’s cheeks heated as you scooted away from me, bring your knees to your chest.

You both sat in silence for a while after that, and to your surprise, Azriel was the one who broke it first.

“I have a confession to make,” You could not believe your ears, did Azriel sound….awkward? Staring at him, you made a gesture with your hand, prompting him to continue. “I…I think your my mate,” Wait. Pause. WHAT!?

And that was the exact words you yelled out as you processed what Azriel had said casually like he was telling you he had beat up someone the other day over ice cream. Sure, you would have been surprised over that, but that is not how you tell someone that you are QUITE LITERALLY THEY’RE SOULMATE.

Little did you know, you had been babbling all this out and Azriel was holding back a wild grin.

Safe to say, that afternoon ended with you chasing Azriel with a random stick you had found on the river side, before you both return to Azriel’s home, and I think you can figure out what you both did next 🙂

~*~*~*~*~

A/N: I love how my fluff fics are like...super short and then my angsty fics are long as frick

taglist: @positivewitch

#acotar #acotar fandom #acosf #azriel shadowsinger #a court of silver flames #a court of mist and fury #azriel #azriel x reader #azriel acotar #acotar fanfic #azriel fanfic #azriel fluff #azriel x reader fluff #cassian

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iovetecchou · 8 months

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If I Can't Have You... ⧸ Jouno Saigiku

༞ Part 1. Part 2. Part 3.

Contains..! angst, hurt no comfort, toxic relationship, detailed descriptions of anxiety, confessions, regrets, slight physical abuse, happy ending (for one of them...)

GN Reader.

1,237 words.

As Jouno aimlessly walked the block, his mind reeled. The remorse was eating away at him as the seconds passed. He didn't think you would take this so hard, and as much as he hated to admit it, this was all his fault.

That unnerving feeling crept up his spine, becoming increasingly more intolerable.

He knew this was beyond repair- you were beyond repair. He had to let you go. He just had to.

The moment he reached the apartment door, Jouno froze. His hand ghosted over the doorknob. He secretly hoped that when he opened it, you would be there. The 'you' Jouno remembered and… tolerated.

As he pulled the door open, stepping through the threshold of his home, a wave of anxiety washed over him. Something that wasn't very common for Jouno.

"Oh, Saigiku… you're home already?"

You deadpanned, approaching closer to a seemingly distressed Jouno. His head was hanging low, shoulders tense.

"Y/N… I…"

His words caught in his throat. Jouno didn't want to let you go; you were his. But things couldn't go on like this.

"What is it, Saigiku?"

He struggled to swallow that lump in his throat. You used to say his name with enthusiasm. But now it sounded stale, tumbling from your lips.

"I need to let you go."

Your breath hitched, finally showing some semblance of vitality.

"But you said,"

"I know what I said. But Y/N, this has gone too far."

Your heart sank into your stomach. Jouno's words pulled you out of your funk in an instant. But something was wrong. His words didn't offer any form of relief, only more dread.

"I don't understand… I thought this was what you wanted. So what? Now you're just throwing me away? Like, like, I'm nothing?"

You took a step back from Jouno. Your voice was so frail. It felt as though you got punched in the gut. All you could do was gasp for air as the blood in your veins went frigid.

Jouno's head shot up at the sound of your tumultuous state. He took quick strides toward you as you slumped to the unforgiving hardwood floor.

"Y/N… It's not like that,"

Jouno kneeled before you. Swiping away tears you had failed to notice freckling your cheeks.

"Then what is it like, hm?"

You shout, finding your voice as the lump within your throat eased up. Your shaky hands come up to seize Jouno's, that still cradle your cheeks.

"Do not touch me."

You harshly tugged his hands down, solidifying your words. Jouno's anxiety continued to build as you rejected him. He never was on the receiving end, let alone from you.

"You're not nothing… I…"

You observed his distressed face as he desperately searched for the right words. Admitting his faults seemed more challenging than anything else.

"Y/N I lied, okay. I lied- everything I've done was to keep you by my side forever. I wanted you all to myself because I- I love you."

You shot up from your spot on the ground. Your hopelessness morphed into a blinded rage.

"Don't give me that! You don't love me- if you loved me, you would have never done this to me. I trusted you, I believed in you, I loved you! What you call love is nothing more than a means to manipulate me. Keep me right where you want me, forever. If you think that's love, I feel sorry for you."

Jouno was stagnant, mouth agape as he let your words sink in. They rattled him to the core.

He let his fears and insecurities of losing you warp into something malicious. He knew now that everything he had done to you was despicable.

But it was too late.

No amount of 'I'm sorry' could ever mend this.

"You want to let me go? Fine, so be it. But now you're the one who has to live with your choices. I hope that regret eats away at you for as long as you live."

You pulled your phone from your pocket. Calling the one person you knew could help you out of this situation.

"Wh- what are you doing? Who are you calling?"

Jouno crawled over toward you. Grabbing at your ankles as you continued your call. Refusing to waste your breath on answering his questions. Knowing he would recognize the voice coming from the other end regardless.

You tugged your legs away from Jouno's feeble grasp. You ended the call before making your way toward the bedroom. You were determined to get your things and get out as soon as possible.

"Wait! When I said I wanted to let you go, I didn't mean right now. You can't leave me just yet!"

He followed you into the bedroom like a lost puppy. All Jouno could do was listen as you grabbed a duffle, shoving all your belongings inside.

"Frankly, I don't care what you want anymore."

Your words were callous. Jouno could barely process how fast you were slipping through his fingers.

"Stop- please. I can't live without you."

Hearing Jouno's shaky voice as he sobbed out for you was startling. His desperation was something you never thought you would see, especially for your sake.

All Jouno ever did was make you feel worthless. He made you feel less than, that you weren't good enough for anyone. You were especially not good enough for Jouno, and he reminded you of that every time he could.

But now?

He's begging you not to leave, saying he can't live without you?

You felt beyond confused. You knew you needed to leave this apartment and get as far away from Jouno as humanly possible.

"You should have thought about that before you broke me down and hurt me. Time and time again. Teruko should be here soon. She'll get the rest of my things tomorrow."

Jouno grasped your shoulders with an iron grip. He halted your movements as he pleaded for you to stop.

"Please, Y/n! I know I fucked up. I'll be better, I promise. Just stay!"

You winced as his grip on you tightened further.

"Saigiku, let go of me!"

You could feel your blood vessels bursting from where the pads of his thumbs pressed into the sensitive flesh of your arms.

Even now, Jouno still tried to control you. Keep you complacent forever.

"Oi! They said let go, asshole!"

Teruko's voice sent a wave of relief through your whole being. You watched as she barged past the bedroom door, ripping Jouno's hands off you before grabbing your hand. Teruko dragged you behind her petite frame as she glared at Jouno up and down.

"Put your hands on them again, and I'll kill ya. Got that, asshole?"

Teruko solidified her threat with a swift punch to Jouno's jaw. You watched as he pathetically slumped down to the floor. He nursed his throbbing cheek as he listened to your and Teruko's footprints descend the hall.

Jouno's sobs wracked his entire being as he heard the apartment door slam shut.

You were gone for good.

No longer would Jouno hear your laughter or your heartbeat quicken as you read an excerpt from your favorite book.

He will never taste your magnificent meals again nor be greeted by you each night after a long day.

The reality of the situation caused aversion to course through his veins.

He would never see you again.

Jouno had to live with the fact that this was all his fault.

You reap what you sow after all, huh?

woohooo full circle! jouno got what was coming to him btw... hope you all enjoyed this series! thank you all so much for supporting me up til this point! xoxox

taglist: @samicamy-13 @anya-lautner @deadflycomputerlogs @mizu-san @canrdsf @keiaoi811 @budijojo @jdksnxks-hsbs

#jouno saigiku #bsd jouno #jouno saigiku x reader #saigiku jōno #bsd saigiku #saigiku jouno x reader #jono saigiku #jouno x reader #saigiku jouno #jouno bsd #bsd #bsd x reader #bsd angst #bungou stray dogs imagines #bungou stray dogs #bungou stray dogs x reader #bsd imagines #bungou stray dogs angst

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solfics · 3 months

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kagami taiga asking you out on a date.

# tags: headcanon, lover!boy, slight confession, college!knb, fluff

includes: gn!reader and kagami taiga (the loml).

author's note: hello! this is my first work. i'm uploading this to test out the waters with how tumblr works hehe. here's a little something for our lover boy, taiga, and how he's like when he's got a crush <3

↪ This man embodies the imagery of a hopeless romantic who's unexpectedly took a liking with the quiet and shy student. True to the eyes of any outsider, the aura he possessed is nothing but that of an alpha—where everyone either wanted him, hated him, or wanted to be like him.

↪ Of course, the first option is always made clear on his end whenever his presence graced the halls of your campus. With him being one of the most loved athletes of your school, you knew what came along with his status, it was inevitable. He was meant to be with the big crowd, in fact, everywhere he went—the crowd goes.

↪ But who knew that all it took was one course requirement for you to be paired up with the big shot athlete that is him, for him to have his eyes on you?

It was the second month of your second semester, which meant that it had been exaclty five months since your interaction with him. Your memory of that class seemed to be a blur, only remembering the fact that your metaphysics professor decided to pair you up with him because he thought that it would be a good idea to spice things up in his class.

You didn't complain nor protest at the idea, however it was not in your list to be paired up with him. In fact, you initially planned on working on the final paper alone, but your plans changed the minute you took sight of the red headed man as he introduced himself to you. Soon enough, the last thing you could remember was him giving you a fist bump and thanking you for your help in said class, and neither of you crossed paths again. Just as you expected, everything panned out in history.

"Uhm, hi?" you looked at the standing figure in front of you. It was none other than Kagami, whom you've not seen in the last few months and the person you least expected to be right in front of you. More questions piled up in your thoughts as you watch him pull out what looked like tickets and placed it near you. "Para saan 'to?" (What is this for?) you asked.

Kagami rotates the wooden chair backwards to take his seat in front of you, not minding the fact that the ruckus in your college's library was because of him. Once he was situated in his spot, he pulled sent a curt nod towards the tickets and spoke, "For the game."

"I know that these are tickets for this week's game, but what exactly does this have to do with me?" you scanned the tickets and asked as you took notice of how your voice seemed at edge, because why on earth would he give you these? It's not like you were friends, right?

"About that..." his voiced trailed off. As you looked straight at him, he caught your curious eyes and felt his breath hitch. "A-About that, uhm..." his ears were getting red, why is that? You asked yourself.

"N-Now I know we never talked about anything back at Sir Reginald's class, and we parted ways shortly after that final paper..." he started off, looking at his own hands.

"And I'm assuming that basketball's not your thing and it's been months since we last talked but..." he was fumbling on his own words at this point, leaving you to bite your lip in anticipation. "But...?" you urged him on. He noticed your small smile and huffed out a short breath.

"But I really regret n-not taking the opportunity to get to know you and tell you about myself and now I just... I don't want to miss my chance again."

You looked at the tickets' details—it was your school against another top university. You chuckled and looked at him, "Is this your way of getting me to know about your insanely incredible skills at basketball?"

The redness of his cheeks and ears were back upon hearing your question, "I promise to make every score count so you going won't be a waste of time," he mumbled which got you laughing.

"I'll watch," you said and looked at him with a smile, "But only if you'll let me talk about any topic over burgers after the game."

He returned your smile with one of his own, the familiar smile from months ago, "Yes please."

#knbfics #kagami taiga #kagami taiga x reader #kuroko no basket #kuroko no basuke x reader

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fairycosmos · 3 months

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i’m going to kill myself tonight but i wanted to say i’ve always loved your blog and your my favourite tumblr person :)

hey, not sure if anything i can say can change your mind but please please consider calling a hotline or reaching out to a friend/family member if that's an option. i won't pretend i know the type of pain you're in, or much about the situation you're in, and i hope this doesn't come across as me saying it's easy to keep going because it's absolutely not. whether you're feeling numb, whether your thoughts are totally chaotic. it's a type of hell either way. i know things are unbearably painful so much of the time. you deserve so much better and i just don't think doing this is going to give you that. i'm not trained in all the right and wrong things to say to someone who's going through this and i know that when i'm in this place myself, there's very little anyone can do or say to get me out of it. but i do come out of it. even if i'm not happy, the pressing urge to harm myself is so strong that by its own nature it's unsustainable. it's the hardest thing in the world to bear it and i'm so sorry you're going through it. it's so fucking exhausting. and at the same time it always somewhat dies down and there is always another day to try again.

please, please get yourself to a physically safe space. if you need to cry, break down, sleep for 72 hours, take a shower, eat something, put your face in cold water, rip up a million pieces of paper to get the rage out - it's okay. whatever you need is okay. you don't have to think about what you're going to do tomorrow or next week or next month or in the next 5 years. you just have to focus on getting through today, minute by minute. if that feels like too much, second by second. and you can keep breaking it down like that until it stops feeling like some insurmountable mountain. i know words are not enough to change anything about how much despair and hopelessness you're feeling in this moment. i just want you to attempt to treat yourself the way you'd treat a friend going through something like this. even just for the next 30 minutes. i'm going to leave some resources linked below that have helped me when i've been in a similar spot. they're not solutions and they're not cures. they're just going to allow you to see other perspectives beyond your suicidality. you are so, so worth that. please reach out to a loved one, the authorities or a hotline if you can. it is not going to be as scary as your mind is building it up to be. i would seriously hate to think of you doing something to harm yourself. you have a right to feel how you feel, but you don’t have to give these thoughts the power to actually dictate your reality. i'm really, really glad you're alive and i genuinely hope you're able to get to the point where you are too. you're the one who can really bring yourself back from the edge. what happens next is all in your hands, not in the grip of your negative thoughts, urges, or feelings. please, please do what you know is right for your safety and wellbeing. even if it's the hardest choice in the world to make. please, please stick around for today at the very least. just focus on getting through the now, no matter how unbearable. that's more than good enough, and it's all anyone can ask of you. i'm sending you so, so much love.

international suicide hotlines / guidance for creating a safety plan / coping with suicidal thoughts pdf / download a how to cope factsheet / coping with suicidal thoughts right now / 10+ coping skills worksheets for adults / the coping skills toolbox / how do you stop suicidal thoughts?

#tw suicide #anon #tw sui ideation

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cooki3face · 4 months

Text

messages from someone who let go of you

message: I’m so obsessed with my tarot table set up that I couldn’t help but share it with you guys. I felt pulled to do a message from people who may have left you behind or moved on from you. This message is meant for those of you who have somewhat moved on or are somewhat far removed. You may have distant memories or have thoughts of this person still that feel somewhat against you or random due to so much time having passed or your life having changed so much since then. I keep hearing “I’m sad again, don’t tell my boyfriend, it’s not what he’s for made for.” From Billie’s song, I don’t remember what it’s called, “what was I made for?” I was so unprepared to come out here and read tarot that my phone is at 20% but I came out and lit up all my candles anyways and sat down at my table. This will be a channeled message, directly from them to you. Enjoy.

***

"I'm not real sure where I'm going or what's left of me to do now. I feel as though I've done everything I said I would or put myself in the position to receive everything I possibly could, I feel like I've obtained and had everything there is for me to have and yet, there's this emptiness. I'd like to say that I would equate the loss of you to the emptiness I feel but to say the loss of you would not fully encapsulate the responsibility I carry for not being there and leaving you more times than we can count on all ten of our fingers put together. I still like to tell myself and others that it was not a big deal, that the loss of you, of us, was not a big deal. I will find a way to minimize anything and everything that means all of anything to me in order to hide the fact that it is so painfully important and you know this already. I am not ignorant to the reality of the situation, the loss, and my behavior. I know better I just couldn't do better. Since you've been gone, things have not been any less chaotic or trivial. Your absence leaves hard lessons here that I could not foresee while you were here. I keep saying since you've been gone, or since you've left, or in your absence because it feels as though you've left me, I may have left you plenty in spirit, I may have left a void within you so frequently that at some point you did leave.

you left me with no choice but to pick up and leave. I've been forced to carry all my bags and pull all my karma up the hill all by myself now that you're gone and life has thrown at me lesson after lesson. I do not know where life will take me or what's in store for me or what else there is for me to have now that what I would've really wanted has voluntarily bowed out of my life and left only tower moments and lessons. I cannot get over the way that it feels for justice to have finally come for you and served you right after all this time of me not being able to deliver it to you myself. I find myself brought to tears or battling excessive bouts of emotion behind you not being here and I have nobody to cry to and nobody to blame but myself. I am trying to let go, I am trying to release what is no longer a reality for me any longer. You.

I lost such a massive opportunity for my own fulfillment when you walked out the door. I hated to see your back to me I hated to see you go but I understand that you were tired and I understand that all my time I spent fearing your abandonment I manifested such a reality for myself by being afraid. All the pushing I did, all the damage I did, all the hurt and destruction I caused being someone whose shadow eclipsed them because I let it. Now, all I've been doing is trying to heal and trying to do the inner work like you told me so many times, all that time ago. I feel as though my future leads nowhere now truly, I may have felt that way when you were around but even throughout all my hopelessness and hardship, I always thought I'd find my way to you in the end and now that you're not here there lies no reward.

***

ii.

I've learned so much now that I am away, many things make sense to me that didn't before, I see things so much clearer than I had previously. There is so much within this world, on this plane of existence for me, for us, to see and understand. My departure was necessary however sudden or abrupt, everything I've done I've done for love and there is never a lack of purpose behind my actions and I wish so badly that I had the ability to tell you all these things directly, for some reason, unbeknownst to me, my heart aches. I still think of you however far removed I may be, I still think of you no matter what it may seem like, I still think of you despite my wish not to. I am not heartbroken nor am I half of a whole. I am in my power, I am willing and able to reach towards all horizons and create the life I had deserved for myself all along that you could not give me despite all my time spent sitting idle waiting for you. Please do not mistake my willingness to come through and communicate as me being truly unhappy or ungrounded, I am not. I have returned home to myself and wherever I go, whomever I am with, and however much I change I will always reside here.

I have discovered things within this life and within this realm that I thought for many years and even before you that I could not have and now I have them. So I am not unhappy or discontented, but, you are not gone from my heart and from my mind despite how much I've grown and despite how much I've discovered myself to have. I do not love you the way I used to and so at times I do find myself plagued solely with confusion as to why at random moments I find myself thinking of you. I have proved to myself that I could have the whole entire world within the palms of my hands but I carry with me a secret and that is you. I build high walls of my kingdom around the memorial that is your absence in my life. And when things fall away and succumb to time and go back to the earth from which they came, we remember them and we pay careful attention not to disturb them, we let bygones be bygones. Your essence is with me, you are here in spirit but I refuse to trudge up what's passed gone back up again simply because I have the capacity to remember.

because you are not here and because we share the connection that we share or had once what we had, there is a part of me that lies within me that sometimes is confused or or feels clueless about what the rest of my life will look like without you, whether or not I will always remember, whether or not the small memorial you have within my spirit will be given a mural, whether or not even in deep and aligned partnership and connection I will find myself wondering where you are. I store your heart within mine. Sometimes, even if I am not heartbroken or paralyzed with loss I become frustrated or angry because I can't bring myself to understand what lies ahead of me through what I have holding within me now, these memories. But, where I am afraid, or angry, or confused I show myself mercy and grace. I say to myself, "What meant something to us once is not always easily forgotten." Before I left you behind and found the strength within myself to do so, I feared deeply that without you I would find myself alone eternally, I still feel to some extent that that might even be a possibility but the difference is I do not fear it this time. I will be brave, I will not live my life paralyzed by possibility and I will do my darndest to give myself everything I needed and was ever owed.

And I will never be angry that it does not include you if I find that it does not. There is no sentence more immeasurable than a lifetime so I will do only what I can do and make it a good one and leave everything else up to be decided to spirit.

***

iii.

I think of you and the way I walked away frequently. You were a piece of a revealing story. You proved that I was struggling, you proved that I had deeply rooted things I refused to dig through or acknowledge, you proved my actions were detrimental, that my shadow is large and looming. I attempt to run from myself every single day from the second I rise in the morning to the moment my head hits the pillow. To see yourself clearly in the mirror when you've done so much to obstruct the reflection is misery. My spirit yearns for healing and for me to answer to its wailing but I don't like the sound. I have to hear it all the same anyway even If I don't like it, your absence has left my ears ringing, I feel like the truth of my reflection is being pulled out of me in knots. I'm at a loss for words, I find myself feeling as though in my ways, I've cheated myself out of an opportunity that was you. I feel like I have no plan in store for me like I've been stranded on an island with only myself to talk to. I can't see myself having anything fulfilling without you being here, everything I build I knock down, everything I find my grip around slips right through my fingers.

I've been working so hard to dress myself up, to make myself look dazzling and shiny and new just as something I would reach for regardless of it not being gold, but, my old way of doing things is no longer working. There is no void so deep. there is nothing left to do but wade in the marsh that is the consequence of my own actions and I am afraid. I know that you cannot hear me over the sound of your joy and the sound of heavenly support but I wish that you could. The second I could not reach you any longer the fabric I'd sewn made from whatever I told myself at night and whatever I felt I could've had had been ripped from beneath me. I am angry because I feel that what I have reaped is unfair. I have made no progress where true progress lies, I feel disappointed and displeased. Whatever I've found myself having, worldly or in spirit is not enough. Your wrath is hellish and you've not even lifted a finger.

If I were to speak to you in the flesh, I would still find myself lying, seething as if what I've received is unfair, and hiding behind ego because it is all I have to offer at this time. I have not changed, I don't know that I am capable. Please have mercy on me. Please forgive me. I have a tendency to look at you almost religiously, if God lived on earth beside us, he/she would be you. I'm far removed from spirit, I do not know how to pray, I do not hear their messages, I do not know my way, and you, a beacon of light, have left. I'm trying to let go, I'm trying to teach myself to see things differently, I am trying to do or find something. And after all of this, If I were to speak to you, you would show me some grace, you would still wish me well, you would still want the best for me or want me to turn inwards and heal. All I want all the time is your blessing. It has taken everything in me not to turn up on your doorstep as I feel I've been exiled. Every time I've washed up unannounced or without your permission both in the physical and in the astral was a call for help, to let you know that my shadow is looking straight at me and there is nothing I can do about it.

All I have to say now is that you were right about everything and what I have received I am owed and what is fair is fair. I hope that you are free and I hope for my own.

***

Do I even wanna post this?? Please, all I can think is GIRL, WHAT IS THIS??? I know I’m the one who wrote it but when I’m channeling it never feels as though it’s coming directly from me, I’m only a vessel at that point, the only credit I feel I can take in the moment is the fact that it is my fingers who is typing it. If you’re an intuitive or a reader of some sort you know exactly what I’m talking about but these messages are so dramatic. While writing them the part of me that was present was like “oh please! 🙄✋🏾 pack it up!!” But anyways, let me post it before I chicken out.

#self love #self care #self improvement #self discovery #dream girl #self expression #healingjourney #self healing #manifestation #divine feminine #divine masculine #messages from spirit #messages from your person #tarot #pac reading #pac #tarot readings #tarot readers of tumblr

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snailfen · 10 months

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not that anon but who's your favorite sluggy

so i never played the original MSC, but originally my favorite was the saint. i loved the idea of being able to just Leave situations and have a grappling tongue at all times as a newbie. i really struggled with platforming and survival back then, so i really liked them. fuck losing all karma upon dying, i could just Leave!

out of the vanilla scugs, monk was also my favorite back then. i REALLY hated the lore removal, but my gaming skills were already just Piss Poor in general so rain world was almost nigh impossible at first. also i liked being friends with lizards and scavs and i couldnt bring myself to attack scavs back then.

so, between then and now, my favorites have changed. between the MSC slugcats...

this is one of those few times i can answer from Every Possible Aspect of the candidate, like gameplay, campaign plot, etc. Which is really cool! when MSC dropped, Riv was the one I played first using the "unlock all campaigns" cheat. I REALLY wanted to play saint first, but knowing from the start that the slugcats were ranked by difficulty and saint was locked behind 2 slugcats as opposed to 1, I curbed that urge and went for Riv since they were my second favorite.

now, their super exaggerated movement was hard to get a handle on, i will admit- but i hadn't played this game in a long time so i was just rusty on top of that. but i can confidently say im used to them! i love using their abilities to see just what i can do. there was a time i was playing with a randomizer and it was really fun having to adapt to each new situation like an opportunist. i wish i recorded it! but riv really helped me get over my hesitance when i was faced with predators, which was a bad habit I'd had for a long time.

campaign gameplay tested my lay of the land as well; especially by starting out in drainage system. i practically never set foot in drainage system back in the day, so i didnt know where in the world to head. I luckily detected the garbage wastes gate like, right away. trying to navigate the parts of the game more beaten off the main path of vanilla was difficult but fun! having only so much time to get from place to place was a fun challenge. then, after getting the rarefraction cell, trying to see how far i could go in 1 cycle was even greater.

now the plot is really where riv got me for sure.

looks to the moon has been a favorite character of mine for years. i never really stopped thinking about what happened between her and pebbles; every few months or so i would think about it. just how... hopeless things were for moon. It really made me sad. i think i speak for a lot of people when i say i wished that i could help her in some way. but the only thing i could do is bring her neurons, really. i never really made sense of pebbles side of the deal, like i knew what was going on with him and i felt bad, but it never really hit me how horrible things were for him. it all just felt so... tragic, yknow? that things ended up the way they did for the two of them.

exploring their superstructures was an experience. i originally planned to go to pebbles through shaded citadel after visiting moon on my first playthrough, but plans changed when i considered dealing with memory crypts, and the leg, AND underhang with my cycle limit (i had already sort of guessed that riv was after monks point in the timeline, but i didn't know that those areas got worse for riv so i was just thinking in terms of vanilla) so i went through the wall.

I kinda wish I saw at least memory crypts, but thats ok because the low gravity in the normally zero-gravity access shaft, plus the proto dll at the end, told me everything I needed to know before facing Pebbles chamber. Floating through his decayed structures... it hurt. I remember my first encounter with him in vanilla felt just a word away from being downright incomprehensible. he really came off as some god I couldn't percieve. but now, seeing the walls corroded by nothing but Rot, only small parts I actually recognized just barely peeking out amongst the decay, I just couldn't look. I felt like... like my arteries were clogged just by seeing his condition. Hearing him listen to Halcyon Memories, a favorite (previously) unused track of mine created a special kind of somber that I will Never re-experience.

Then, Moon's structure. This one is special. I got suuuper lost in here, but im glad I did. Up until a certain point, I had been taking the scenery in with a kind of reverence you would have while walking around a graveyard. I wandered for a few cycles, and at some point, Random Fate started playing. I didn't recognize the bass line yet, but when I had stumbled into what I immediately recognized as Moon's Memory Conflux, the Sundown melody kicked in.

Recognizing both things at once, I got all... like, choked up. Like... I'm finally helping Moon! But... what about Pebbles? Why can't I help him? ...And like, I knew why; he brought this fate upon them both. But that didn't make it hurt any less. He asked me to do the only thing he wanted: to give all he had to redeem what he did. So in the end, this was all I could do to help him; in the same way that this was all Pebbles could do to make up for what he did to Moon.

Don't get me started on the ending. Seeing Moon restored to even a fraction of what once was had me so happy! It was exhilarating to say the least. But I was tearing up on the edge of my seat when she reached out to Pebbles. Watching the messages roll in slowly, seeing what she had to say, all the while praying that Pebbles could hear her.

Seeing Moon call herself Pebbles big sister is what broke the dam. From what I saw back in the day, people usually skirted that title of hers when it came to Pebbles, or never really acknowledged it. Even I did, for some time. But it never made sense to do that! Moon and Pebbles would never feel such anger, betrayal, or regret over everything that had happened if they weren't very close. I found it very important that that's who Moon was to him. Not just a great friend, but a big sister. I'm so glad the MSCteam felt that was important as well.

Speaking of which, seeing the names of community members and fans that I recognized in the credits got me sobbing again when I thought I was done. This expansion was a loveletter to the game from the fans, brought in officially by the actual developers. The Rivulet campaign especially enforced that feeling of love for the game- by having compassion for the tragedy two iterators and finally helping them reconcile.

I finally felt satisfied, not only because I was able to help Moon- but because I had also realized the tragic life that Pebbles had led. Those two things had never really left my mind.

anyways WOOOOO that was a lot of rambling. hope you enjoyed......

#rain world #rain world downpour #mossball.txt #asks

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drdemonprince · 9 months

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I feel like you've answered a question on this before, so sorry if my search skillz failed me. how do you keep a playful attitude when trying new things? I started a book on wu-wei/'trying not to try' that has made me feel a bit hopeless so far, as I know that approaching things more casually/playfully will help it feel less painful (social situations, job search, dating, etc), but apparently you can't consciously try to be playful?!

Hmmmm this is a tricky question to answer, because it is far easier to describe what the end state feels like than to explain how I got there. But I will try!

I think if you're someone who tends to be quite skeptical and cynical about things, your first instinct during difficult situations might be to turn that skepticism toward yourself. You watch yourself trying to complete the new activity, or talk to the unfamiliar person, and all you can see is the flaws, and you tell yourself, "yeah, nice try bozo, you're never going to be good enough at this / it's never going to be worth it" and what do you know, you are crestfallen and unmotivated. And now that you're judging yourself and feeling shitty, it's even more difficult to complete the task.

but, in my experience in graduate school, developing as a creative writer, and just fumbling my way through social mores, there comes a time when you stop turning that skepticism on yourself all the time, and instead direct it outward, and begin to notice just how fucking confused and fucked up everybody else's attempts are. and if you're lucky, you might even notice other people's foibles and missteps with a sense of affection, rather than cruelty.

the more you step outside of yourself and observe others, the more you notice all the awkward things people say, the strange moments of crossed wires and missed signals, the jokes that fall flat, and just how much people really do not care about all of that so long as you keep engaged and keep your energy open and keep trying.

i have never seen a neurotypical socialize flawlessly. they say rude weird ass things and bump into other people all the fucking time! but they just keep going. often they don't even realize they've done anything wrong. and maybe they haven't even done anything wrong really. perfection isn't really what is expected. the energy is what matters more than the execution, and so if they move around with an open, receptive quality to themselves, and keep learning, they can get by being a little awkward or confused just fine.

and once you recognize how much people are fucking up all the time and that it doesnt really matter, and nobody really cares, for me it gets a lot easier to saunter around being my own level of messy and loose too. i used to judge how inept and oblivious everybody was -- at work, in school, during the hangout, on the train. and at some point i realized it was actually beautiful and something i could feel affectionate about.

it turns out you do not need to worry about everyone behind you in line at the grocery store hating you for taking too long putting your change away. AND you dont have to be mad at the guy in front of you who takes five minutes to put his change away either. because YOU are HIM and HE is YOU and we all suck and that's great.

it's fucking funny how silly and sloppy and dazed a lot of people really are. everybody fucks up constantly and is fucking weird. so who cares! i dont need to evacuate the space because i forgot myself and started picking my nose in public for a second. i can just rub my hand on my pant leg and move on. i dont need to give up going to the comic book club because me and one other guy there got into a small argument. i can come back the next month and make a joke about it with him. that's just normal messy human stuff.

the writer david cain talks about coping with social anxiety by imagining other human beings as kittens that have been dumped out from a basket into the room. they roam around, falling over themselves, exploring and sniffing and doing kitteny things, and none of them are a threat to you ever, and their actions dont mean all that much and certainly aren't all that menacing, they're just silly little animals fumbling around.

and i like to think of humans that way. we goof off, we devote an entire supposedly very serious work meeting to discussing something only tangentially relevant but far more emotionally compelling, we make up all kinds of games to play and weird rules for those games, and then we break the rules of those games and forget them. none of this shit is like, real. and the people who recognize what a goofy joke it is are often the most powerful.

not taking anything too seriously makes me feel powerful. im cynical and skeptical about everything that i get told is an airtight social or procedural rule, and i experiment around the boundaries of it, to see where it bends. but whereas i used to do that in a very bitter and entitled way, trying to find my way "out" of a system I had disdain for, now i can sometimes play with these boundaries and laugh at myself for tripping over them at times and just keep on moving, because that's what everybody does.

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bloggingboutburgers · 5 months

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Wanted to come and thank you for the vent comic. I am still young and pretty sure I'm aromantic (or in the spectrum at least), and since I realized that about myself I have also noticed all the allo and amatonormativity that gets pushed in almost every piece of media. You managed to put into words all the feelings I get when I see or hear stuff that invalidates the identity (like I'm mad, but also I know it isn't meant to hurt anyone? So I just feel guilty for feeling mad?).

Sorry if this is long, your comics have helped me so much in coming to terms with my identity, and I could really see myself in this one. Thank you so much for sharing it!

I'm really glad if I could help, tbh. I think personally I'm beyond saving, I understood all of this much too late and made a fool of myself for years trying to chase stuff I couldn't reach, but... Yeah that's more or less the main reason I drew that comic. So people wouldn't make the same mistakes I made, and understood why they feel the way they feel – because GOD... Being told over and over that I was treated the same as others and I was indeed a part of places when I clearly wasn't really ate at me.

Like you said it's like... It's really hard not to feel guilty for being hurt even though it's not your fault. Just because people didn't mean to hurt you doesn't mean it's your fault for being hurt but... When the contrary idea is kinda pushed on you every time... Yeah it's a lot. My first reflex every time I'm reminded that this is the situation I'm in and that it's happening because I am the way I am is to hate myself. I hate myself a whooooole lot right now. But I don't think I do for fair reasons, somehow, and so I don't want people to end up in the same way I did, and so I just... Drew things. Yeah. I guess that's why.

Thank you for sharing that you felt seen. My situation may be beyond hopeless but at least this way I know drawing this wasn't all for nothing.

#anon #i wish you the best #it's a tough and lonely life #that we didn't sign up for but eh y'know #here's to being born in a way that'll have you ignored by everyone forever i guess #sorry #i do appreciate your message though i'm sorry for going negative in the tags #i'm legit glad i could help #it's not too late for you to protect yourself from being hurt

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k-s-morgan · 5 months

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I heard news about a snowstorm in Ukraine that caused several deaths, and I was so worried for you. Are you okay, Morgan? Is your family safe? Are things calming down there? I keep checking for news that announces the end of this war, and it's disheartening to see that it never arrives. I can't imagine what it must be like to live through this. Is there anything we can do for you? Do you need somewhere to take refuge outside the country? Is the money you receive from your job sufficient for you and your family to live comfortably? I always check the updates you post, and it's admirable that these horrible events haven't changed the golden heart you have, you are a wonderful person and you don't deserve any of what is happening, I hate that I can't do anything to stop it this war, but whatever I can do for you I will.

please be safe, please keep fighting.

Another ask: Hey, I hope you're just busy but please give us some sign that you're okay, please. I'm worried

Another ask: Katrin, you are okay??

Another ask: You okay??

Another ask: How are you going?? Is everything already? Please asnwer 😭

----------------------------

Hi! Thank you all, you wonderful anons (and my lovely first anon, I'll respond to your questions further down in this reply). I'm so touched that you've been thinking about me! There was indeed a serious snowstorm that caused some deaths, but I'm fine: honestly, I'm such a hopeless stay-at-home introvert that I usually leave only for short trips to the shop and to feed pigeons & stray cats. So I meet most storms safely tucked in my bed))

It's all right now, though everything is still covered in snow. If there is snow where you are, too, and you see miserable pigeons or other birds around, please feed them if possible! They rely on us entirely during winters. Some grain would be ideal.

I was hoping to make a monthly post, but my tight work schedule + migraines ruined these plans, so I decided to give up on it. Russians haven't attacked my city again yet after that the most massive attack by drones. I'm pretty sure it is coming, though, especially on holidays. They tried to tun our last New Year into hell on purpose by sending missiles during the day, killing people, and then sending drones at night. I worry that this year might be even worse, but I've been teaching myself to live in the present and enjoy peace while I still have it, so I manage to keep my fears at bay.

First anon, thank you so much for your kindness! I have places where I could go and stay beyond Ukraine, but for the next year at the least, I intend to keep holding on because I can't leave without my family (and the bigger half of my family is not allowed to leave legally yet). If Russian attacks get completely unbearable, I might go to Poland to my relatives for a month or two just to unwind and to repair my sanity a bit.

As for the money, I'm doing more or less okay, and people who keep supporting me on Patreon help me to stay afloat. I have some debts, but they are under control - I owe the bank $300, which is 1/3 of my monthly salary, so I'm capable of paying it back little by little. The situation is not ideal, but nothing to worry about.

Like many Ukrainians at the moment, I feel burned out regarding the war. There are many amazing, kind people in this world, and our soldiers are absolute heroes who deserve all respect in the world, but those with power to make decisions like money way too much. It's an unfortunate fact that has been making people all over the world suffer generations after generations. Many US, European, and Chinese companies continue to help Russia manufacture its missiles and other things they use to kill us. The help Ukraine gets is enough to let us survive but not enough to let us win. Those who can make money on it eagerly grab the chance, including some members of our own government. I'd like to be optimistic, but I really don't see a scenario that would end with justice. It's very difficult to accept the fact that terrorists and murderers won't be punished - on the contrary, many of them will continue to live in luxury, unable to imagine what an explosion even sounds like, until the day they die. But like I said before, it is what it is. The world is full of bitter examples like this.

Thank you for being with me and supporting me, reading my stories and sending your asks. I hope to end this month with posting two chapters for my two stories. My second job comes to an end December 15, and hopefully, I'll get a chance to really dive into writing after this!

#personal #ukraine #russia is a terrorist state #kyiv #my fics

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nansheonearth · 11 months

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I’m sorry if this is an intense thing to ask here but you have reach that I just don’t get on my blog and I’m scared to even pose this question because I feel like there will be a lot of judgment potentially hence the anon…

As a woman in a situation that feels extremely hopeless (basically housewife with no income of my own, 4 pets which makes a lot of housing less accessible not that any of it would be more affordable than the shithole we live in now, mental health struggles/ ASD making employment feel impossible to maintain at full time level) how the fuck do I actually manage to get out of my marriage 🥲 like any and all advice would be welcomed but absolutely don’t want to give up my pets as they’ve basically been all I hold on for. I’m married to a TIM (I bought into trans stuff for a while and considered myself non-binary for years, I’m desisted now) who excuses all their issues with mental health and trauma and has become honestly emotionally abusive and neglects any of my needs. At this point the only reason I am still here is because I cannot fathom any way I could afford to live on my own… I have no friends, my family is abusive so can’t rely on any help there, and I’m terrified that if I left I’d lose my pets and end up on the streets… I feel like in my head the only option is something I did before and absolutely fucking hated and don’t want to go back into because it’s absolutely shameful and brings up so much trauma I have which is cam SW but any time I’ve managed to get a job I cannot maintain enough hours to afford to survive alone, even full time with minimum wage here being $15 I would barely be scraping by and have no extra income beyond absolute necessities. I’ve tried looking for remote work but almost nothing is an option due to not having a degree or any specific skills, I’ve only worked in fast food and low skill care professions that emotionally ruined me. I feel hopeless and like I’m just stuck in a dead end where at best I get a day of good and then weeks of neglect or at the worse times fully emotional abuse, I truly have no clue what to do and I’m feeling like I’d rather just not exist than deal with any of this any longer… I’m just hoping to find ANY resources or advice on how to manage pulling myself out of this place and I’m at a point that I’m so desperate that I’m out here messaging people I don’t even actually know because I have NOBODY in my life who can offer any guidance or help 🥲 again I’m sorry if this is a lot and I know you personally probably don’t have any answer for this I’m just hoping that someone with some reach and access to others in a community who might understand might have any advice for me 😞

Hey I'm sorry you're going through this. I was in an abusive relationship for years and I understand leaving seems impossible while you're in the situation. But you can leave and there is hope.

I would suggest starting by looking into domestic violence support groups first. They can usually later point you to other resources like job placement, mental health care, financial assistance, legal advice, and housing. Be adamant about wanting to keep your pets because many will try to get you to give them up in this situation.

Hopefully people see this and can add more advice. You're not the only woman to have abuse by a transwoman partner and reaching out to other survivors could help.

#radfem #spousal abuse #transwomen #transwomen violence #male violence #male #anon #ask #reply #o

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hwnglx · 1 year

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can you do a current energy reading for bang chan? i’ve been pretty worried about him for a while now, he’s been pretty open about struggling lately and now with all of this recent stuff going on i’m just wondering how he’s doing with it all.

bangchan's current energy ﴾ may '23 based on tarot, take it with a grain of salt

10ofw&knofp, 2ofw&emper, 8ofsw, 5ofsw, 8ofp

the 10 of wands jumped out right away. chan can sometimes feel like he has the entire world on his shoulders. he's the type to make it look easy, but there's sooo much responsibility resting on him. i can really feel the weight of it while reading myself. however, combined with the slow, steady and stable knight of pentacles, i don't see the weight of it crushing him.

he's being patient. from this spread alone, i can tell that he exactly knows how to deal with burdensome periods, he's been through them many times before. he's experienced these type of struggles already, so it's nothing he can't handle.

he's a very wise, mature and assertive guy. he's taking charge of whatever situation is thrown at him, and is currently in the midst of carefully planning out his next steps. he's really saying "okay, this is what we're gonna do, this is what we are not gonna do." i even see his voice overpowering many higher ups. chan is definitely the main guy in not only his career, but also skz's careers.

you notice how i did not say anything about his mental state yet? that's because all the cards i got till later on, only show me his strength dealing with everything. i think, he has the toxic tendency to push everything concerning his own wellbeing to the complete background.

but, inside he's feeling some anxiety. honestly, i think this entire situation with ive made him overthink a lot. he feels like his intentions were misunderstood. he feels like there's this lack of power he has over people from the outside putting words in his mouth, it's causing a sense of hopelessness inside him. like, no matter what he says, he can't really win. chan being a double libra makes him soooo overly focused on being liked by everyone. he hates knowing that there's people who view him in a bad light now.

the eight of pentacles in the end is showing me, he's working hard. obv skz are preparing for their comeback, so i see most of his mind being there, but i can also see him at least trying to somehow work on his attitude towards situations like these. he's always focused on how to become a better influence on the people around him, so i see him working on overcoming these negative emotions he can hold on to sometimes.

something compelled me to pull out my moonology oracle deck and i pulled:

new moon in virgo: a time to give rather than take

-> he's overanalyzing things -> but gradual improvements are coming -> potential to fully restart in a clever and organized manner -> universe is telling him: "don't think about what others are doing to you, think about what you can do for them"

message that resonated most is: take care of your health!

he should eat better, have healthier routines, maybe seek out some therapy. i really see the universe telling him to get a counsellor, someone he can vent to freely.

#kpop tarot #stray kids tarot #skz tarot

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ed-recoverry · 1 year

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Glass Children Info & Masterpost

Only recently being recognized as a huge trauma itself, I’ve seen nothing on Tumblr being posted about glass children. And as a glass child myself, which is a part of the reason I’ve struggled severely with mental illness, especially in my early teen years, it can be very upsetting. However, it’s still incredibly popular to view what we experience as invalid and that we should “appreciate we aren’t like them” (which is incredibly insulting to both parties and I hate hearing it). Idk if this will get any notes, but I wish someone told me what I went through is valid and a real thing and I hope maybe this will show one person the same:

Glass Child: siblings of a person with a disability. The word glass means people tend to see right through them and focus only on the person with the disability. 'Glass' is also used because the children appear strong, but in reality are not. These children have needs that are not being met.

The term was popularized and recognized in Alicia Maples’s “Recognizing Glass Children” TedTalk posted in December, 2010 in which she talks about her experience growing up with a severely Autistic brother.

It is important to acknowledge that the disabled sibling plays no role in the conditions and problems a glass child endures as they did not choose to have a disability. The conditions and problems are a product of bad parental management and being a victim of circumstances. As a child, not understanding this bigger pictures may sometimes cause a glass child to see their sibling as the problem, but it is important to stress the sibling has no part in it.

Examples of challenges glass children experience during childhood:

Severe emotional and or physical neglect from guardians

Severe pressure to be the “perfect” kid

Feeling as if you must help others before yourself

Strong anger of not having a “normal” family, but feeling shame for feeling anger.

Putting in extra effort to appear okay even when they aren’t

Taking on the tasks (both physical and or mental) that are reserved for parents

Feelings of hopelessness

Hyper-vigilance and anxiety

Feeling of being taken for granted

These experiences during childhood follow you into teenage years and adulthood.

Symptoms a glass child can show later in life:

Trauma-related mental illnesses (ex: anxiety, depression, PTSD, personality disorders, eating disorders, etc.)

Self-sabotaging or self-injurious behavior(s)

Low self esteem

Putting other’s needs before one’s own, even at their own expense

Lack of self identity or never developing their own personality

Hyper-vigilance to an inappropriate degree

Extreme sensitivity

Struggles with trust and or vocalizing feelings and needs

Difficulty in adjusting to new, unexpected situations

Avoidance of any form of conflict to the point where it has negative impacts on day to day life

Learn More:

Glass Child Syndrome And Symptoms

Glass children: The overlooked siblings of the people we treat.

What is a glass child?

How We Can All Help Glass Children

Growing Up a Glass Child

Glass Child Syndrome And Symptoms

Glass children: The lived experiences of siblings of people with a disability or chronic illness

Glass Children

At least from my experience, one of the biggest problems that follows me till this day is being extremely sensitive as to when I feel my feelings or presence is being invalidated. This is not completely my imagination however as the term “glass child” as of now has no place in the DSM-5, any dictionaries, and not even a Wikipedia page despite the years and years of studies and proof showing that the existence and damage of being a glass child is very real and a problem. I myself didn’t know about this term until a few months ago. And that was from TikTok of all places. I hope this makes at least one more person aware that we exist, we are valid, and we are not “the lucky one.” Both the disabled sibling and the glass child(s) deserve the recognition for enduring the hardships life threw at them. We both deserve it.

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