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fangurk · 3 years

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She’s Always There (Paul Lahote x Reader)

Key:

Y/n: Your Name

Y/l/n: Your Last Name

Y/n/n: Your Nickname

Y/e/c: Your Eye Color

Y/h/c: Your Hair Color

Prompt Given To Me By @ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhghhhh.tumblr.com: hey!! so the reason I'm messaging is because I wanted to request something but can't fit it all into an ask lmao. anyways could i please request a Paul Lahote x reader where the reader has been super close to the whole pack for years and has been Paul's imprint but doesn't know it (bc Sam thought it would be best to keep u away from it all) and they decide to finally tell you about being shapeshifters and being Paul's imprint and you're so mad about them not telling u earlier and there's a huge argument and they and Paul tries to calm you down but you say stuff like 'leave me alone' and things like that and it sounds like you're rejecting him/the bond in ur angry breakdown. anyways Paul is heartbroken and can't get out of bed or eat or anything so the guys finally convince you to come back bc they and Paul need you and it's just the reader cuddling with him and getting him out of bed to take a shower and eat and he realizes that you're not going anywhere and it's just like healing the imprint bond? sorry for this WALL of text, I've just had this idea stuck in my head for a while lol. if you don't want to do it, that's completely fine!! thank you for your time ♡

ok so my guy,, bc this fic has been stuck in my head for a bit, some scenes have developed? so idk i hope this isn't too much, but if u do write it, would u be willing to add like some angst to it, obvi, and maybe a scene/part lol where when the reader tries to get him to shower (bc the misinterpreted rejection made him like super depressed and he just felt low about himself) he won't shower, because he doesn't want to come out and the reader is gone. so either they shower together (not smutty just angst&fluff) or she sits like in the bathroom while he showers LOL. and when he feels a bit better, they go down to eat and he's touching some part of her at all times. if this is too much to like,, include then that's a-okay. i just need to get this OUT of my MIND ugh lmao!/!

Reader Gender: Female

Summary: The Reader has been friends with most of the pack members for her whole life. Which is why, after months of silence and strange changes, she was willing to let them back into her life— until she finds out she’s been told lies that leave her in danger, of course. After a big freak out and two weeks of avoiding them, the boys come begging for her help; it turns out that Paul has some wolf-y claim on her, and whatever she said to him has left him worse for wear...

Warnings: Mentions of Depression, Nudity, Angst, and Cursing.

A/n: this is literally like a whole novel I’m so sorry I got carried away. this is kinda based on a lot of fics I read where the imprint has the potential to really hurt people and I named Paul’s dad.

Word Count: 2.9k+

“The legends are real!?”

Y/n Y/l/n hasn’t ever been so disturbed in her entire life.

After weeks of radio silence, Sam Uley’s little ‘gang’, mostly consisting of people she’d known since childhood, had slowly trickled back into her life. What started as a grocery run with Paul or a movie with Jared had turned into big bonfire parties including Jacob Black and his gaggle.

But that was months ago. Months. And now, as she sits by a fire, surrounded on either side by them, they decide to tell her their little secret?

“Y/n.” Sam says as she abruptly stands, eyes stern and hand raised placatingly.

His actions only served to upset her more and her skin bristles with irritation. Sam was acting as if she, a human surrounded by shape shifters, was the unstable one. As if she could do any damage to things built to kill vampires.

“Don’t you dare, Sam.” She clenches her fists, glaring right back at him. “It’s been months- months- and you’re telling me now?”

“It’s not exactly an easy thing to bring up.” He reasons, voice a little less demanding. “We all wanted to be sure that you were ready to know.”

“Ready?!” Y/n laughs mirthlessly, y/e/c eyes wide with disbelief, “When was I supposed to be ready Sam? W-when one of you gored me? When a cold one ripped me apart?”

Her hands shake as she puts them on her forehead, blinking back tears. Growing up all she’d ever heard were stories of humans getting dragged into fights between wolf and vampire, and she couldn’t bring herself to look Emily in the eye because it was suddenly apparent that wolves alone could hurt people too.

It was so bad, whatever happened to Emily, that they said a bear mauled her— Y/n didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

“It’s not like that, Y/n/n.” Embry chimes in, reaching out to grab his friend's arm.

She yanks her body out of the way and gathers her belongings quickly.

“What is it like then, Call?” She holds her bag to her heaving chest, “because it seems to me that you all have the ability to turn into giant, slobbery freaks that are built for killing vampires and, after completely dropping me for weeks, you decided to keep it secret from me for months. Did it even occur to you that I would’ve been better off knowing right off the bat?!”

No one says anything. Eight shifters and two of their girlfriends sit there, just staring at her like she was speaking a different language.

“You know,” Y/n has to clear her throat to steady her wavering voice, “had you guys really been souped-up on drugs like everyone says, maybe I could’ve handled the lying. But my life was clearly potentially in danger, and you let me hang around without saying anything. I- God I don’t want to see you people right now.”

She leaves with that, stepping over logs and storming back down the beach with determination. Faintly over the roar of her heartbeat, she can hear someone scrambling to stand behind her.

“Wait!— shit, sorry-” Paul grunts, jogging to catch up with her- “Y/n-“

With an unusual gentleness, his warm hand wrapped around her forearm. For a moment, deep in the back of her mind, a foreign feeling tells her to stop, to listen; but that small voice is quickly smothered by the rational part of her brain, and she wrenches her arm from his grip.

“Don’t touch me!” She snaps, lowering her voice, “Leave me alone- I need to be alone.”

Paul stands there, dumbstruck, an unreadable look in his eyes as she walks away. And he’d continue to stand there, looking like a kicked puppy long after her retreating form became a blur amongst the darkness of the beach.

“Paul?” Sam is hesitant, hand hovering over the younger boy’s shoulder a minute before he touches him, “You okay?”

Shrugging his leader’s arm off his shoulder, Paul sighs. “No...I...I’m just gonna head home.”

Instead of going in the directions of the cars, the wolf stalks off toward the woods; Emily stands from her seat, wrapping her sweater more around herself as she watches Paul leave. Concern is written all over her features.

“He’ll be fine, Em,” He pulls her in for a hug, “it’ll all work out eventually.”

ஓ๑♡๑ஓ

Y/n does a good job of avoiding them for a while.

She turns her phone off a few days in and avoids going to First Beach, even when Washington gets a rare, warm summer feel. Books that have sat long forgotten on her shelves get read and TV shows she’s always meant to catch up on get watched; it’s boring and she runs out of options, at one point thinking of dying her hair y/f/c just to spice things up, but it allows her to think. (Or at least it allows this strange little voice in the back of her head to tell her that she needs to go back to them.)

The next time she sees any of the boys is exactly two weeks after the bonfire incident.

She’s curled up on her couch, picking at some of the Clearwaters’ fish fry and barely watching an episode of ANTM, when a fist comes banging down on her door. Turning off the TV, she tiptoes to the window, peeking under the curtain as carefully as she can.

As she expected, Jared Cameron and Embry Call are on her porch, the former standing in front of her door with his hip cocked, the other rooting around in her mother’s plants for something. Cringing, she hopes if she’s quiet enough that they’ll just go away.

Her front door opens within minutes, however, and she realizes her hoping is fruitless.

Should’ve known you can’t hide from wolves, she can’t help but think bitterly.

“Y/n?” Jared calls out through the house, “we know you’re here.”

“Yeah, and you guys should probably move your spare key,” Embry tacks on, flicking the light switch to the living room up, “I've known you forever and it’s still in the same place.”

From her spot by the window, the y/h/c haired girl glares at the two boys, arms crossed over her chest. Embry gives her a lopsided grin and holds the key out to her, his bud plopping down on the couch and pulling her abandoned plate into his lap.

Y/n extends a hand to take the key.

“Has it really been in the same place?” She sounds a little more defeated than she’d like.

“Yeah, it’s always been in your mother’s cornflower pot.”

“That’s...kinda sad.” She wrinkles her nose, pocketing the key with the intention to hide it better later, “but uh, I’ve been ignoring you for two weeks for a reason. Peacefully breaking into my house kinda furthers my need for space.”

Embry scratches the back of his neck.

“Well,” He says, “we need you to come back, man. Paul won’t talk to anyone- Sam doesn’t know if he’s eating, and he won’t even get out of bed for patrol! He needs his imprint-”

“His what?” She cocks her head to the side and Jared snorts from the couch.

“She left before we got there, nimrod,” Jared mocks through a mouthful of food, “she doesn’t know what an imprint is.”

He lets out an indignant “Hey!” as Y/n walks by, snatching her plate back from him on her way to the kitchen. Embry chases after her, a grumpy Jared jumping up from the couch to follow.

“You’re his imprint— you’re basically his soulmate!”

“Really?” She says warily, sealing the fish and putting it back in the fridge.

Both boys nod clumsily.

“You remember a few weeks ago when you saw each other for the first time again and he kinda just stood there like an idiot while you talked?”

“Yeah? Oh!-” She brings her hands up to her mouth, brows furrowed as she recalls.

It was exactly Jared had said. She and Paul had seen one another for the first time in a long time and the minute her y/e/c eyes looked into his, it was like he’d been struck dumb.

Embry gives her an encouraging look, “An imprint is...It's not like love at first sight, really. It's more like… gravity moves… suddenly. It's not the earth holding you here anymore, she does… You become whatever she needs you to be, whether that's a protector, or a lover, or a friend. When you snapped at him last week he thought you were rejecting him….”

A part of her thought about how absurd it was that he knew that whole speech. But the bigger part of her came to a realization that made her stomach churn.

“So he's all depressed… because… of me?” She whispers, leaning back on the counter.

Embry, always a rather sympathetic person, opens his mouth to comfort her, but Jared cuts him off.

“Basically. So are you going to come with us so we can help Paul or are you going to continue being petty?”

In any other circumstance, Y/n probably would’ve thrown something at her for calling her petty. She felt she was completely justified in her actions. A part of her wonders if she can really believe them— they’d spent months lying to her after all. But a larger part thinks about Paul, curled up in his bed, slowly desecrating because he thinks she rejected him.

If it were really all some ploy to get her to listen to them, then she’d at least be the person who chose the well-being of her friend over a petty disagreement.

“I’m coming.” She affirms, pushing herself off the counter, and letting the boys lead her to the car.

ஓ๑♡๑ஓ

Jared and Embry drop her off in front of the Lahote household. They tell her something but she can’t really hear them over her heartbeat, she doesn’t even know they’re gone until it’s too late to turn back.

Getting into the house wasn’t the hard part. Paul’s father, Cyrus, had been leaving as she arrived, and, after he watched her stare at the house with a fearful expression for a few minutes, he happily let her in. The hard part was willing her legs to take her up the stairs to Paul’s room, and then it was opening his bedroom door.

Y/n has known Paul since they were eight, but she was afraid of him until they were eleven. He wasn’t mean, per se, but his anger made him do mean things; she wasn’t entirely happy with puberty and it’s monthly gifts, but whatever it did to make her suddenly un-afraid of him she was grateful for. But now, standing in front of his bedroom door, she had a nagging fear that Paul would revert to that eight year old boy who threw lunch boxes and twisted arms behind backs until people cried.

The door creaks slightly as she struggles to push it open.

His room is almost completely dark except for the light coming from the hallway behind her. Trash and dirty clothes have formed a compact layer on his bedroom floor, foot sized holes leading up to the twin sized bed in the corner. On the bed, amongst the blankets she’s sure he doesn’t need, is Paul— or at least, a Paul sized lump.

As gross as it is, she’s kind of relieved he’s been eating.

“Paul?” She whispers tentatively, stepping toward the bed.

The lump flinches and turns toward her.

“Y/n?”

If the room and the description of his state weren’t heartbreaking enough, his voice definitely was. Hollow, rough, and small, everything it never was, everything Paul wasn’t.

“Is that you?”

“Yeah...it’s me..”

She carefully steps over to the bed, and Paul slowly sits up, pushing his blankets to the side. There’s a beat of silence as she stands between his legs, his reluctant hands coming to rest on her waist after a minute. Y/n let’s him have another to gather his thoughts.

“You really came…” Tears well up in his eyes and loops his arms around her back.

She runs a hand through his hair. “I did, and I’m so sorry, if I had known—”

Paul nuzzles her stomach, “S’fine, you didn’t know, and you’re here now.”

There’s a sort of cute, euphoria lacing his voice and he’s visibly much more relaxed.

“Just don’t ever say that again…”

“I won’t, I promise.”

She’s surprised when he manhandles her into his lap, but she doesn’t really mind. He’s warm and strangely familiar and something about it just— clicks.

“When was the last time you spent, I dunno, a minute or two out of your room?” Y/n asks softly, y/e/c eyes glancing about the room.

The shifter’s only response is a shrug, too busy nosing around her neck with vigor. When he finds a certain spot, it makes her squeak, and this seems to excite him like a puppy finding out its favorite toy makes noise.

“You need to bathe, eat something substantial,” She intertwines their fingers, “and the...pack...they’re really worried about you— are you even listening to me?”

He looks up at her then and flashes her a sheepish smile, answering her question. Pursing her lips, she pulls his arms from around her.

“C’mon, Paul.” She stands up and takes his hand. “We’re gonna get you cleaned up.”

She moves toward the door, urging him forward, only to be jerked to a stop as he stays put. He looks a little distressed when she turns back to him, brows furrowed, almost like he’s in pain.

“Paul?”

He grunts, jaw clenched as the cogs turn in his head. Y/n cocks her head and reaches out for his other hand. It felt like some sort of supernatural intuition, one she’ll blame on the imprint and ask Emily about later.

“Paul, hon, why won’t you come shower?”

“I’m afraid you'll leave,” He says bashfully, “it’s stupid, I know, but part of me is afraid you’ll leave while I’m in the shower.”

Y/n couldn’t help but feel a little heartbroken at his confession. Paul was part wolf, and part of being part wolf was imprinting— she almost wishes she’d have stayed long enough to listen, or been able to focus as the boys debriefed her on the ride over because only being able to speculate how much she’d actually hurt him was eating her alive. He wouldn’t even shower, something he desperately needed to do, because of what she’d said.

Taking a deep breath, she barely registers the words she’s about to say.

“I’ll wait with you, I’ll sit on the toilet, you’ll see me there.”

And true to her word, Y/n does sit on the toilet while Paul showers, reading the information on soap bottles to distract herself from the fact that he was there next to her, very naked. Occasionally he asks her what she’s doing, and she reads the ingredients out loud to the best of her ability, and he laughs a little— she tries to hide her smile, but she was too happy he was laughing.

She closes her eyes when he gets out, letting him dry himself off and pull on some clean shorts. He throws the wet towel at her when he’s done, eliciting a “Hey!” that makes him laugh again.

Now that he’s clean, the two of them descend into his quiet house. Y/n navigates the kitchen, her wolf attached to her hip and being less than helpful, and makes them both something to eat— he doesn’t do much more than stand behind her, wrapped around her, making her life more difficult.

“I’m so happy you came back.” He says, watching her work.

“I was always going to.” Y/n responds, her voice sure and steady.

They talk as they eat, sitting across from one another at the too big table in the Lahote household. Talk about how this was going to work, admitting feelings that always lingered, and everything in between; she hooks her leg around his, watching him scarf down his meal with a wrinkled nose and fondness glittering in her y/e/c eyes.

He’s...gross...but he’s hers, she’s kind of stuck with him.

A date is planned. An actual date.

Paul promises to take her to the local diner (and to wear a shirt, for once.)

“I’ve been saving up for something like this.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, and you can get that dessert you like.”

Y/n laughs softly, but heat spreads up her neck and settles in her ears and cheeks. It’d been a long time since that had been her favorite food, but it was the thought that counted...

When Cyrus Lahote returns from work later that night his son and the Y/l/n girl are awkwardly situated on his couch— him on his back, snoring, her lying on top of him, face tucked into his neck, also fast asleep. The older man turns off the TV and tosses a blanket over the pair, ascending up the stairs with a smile on his face.

Y/n Y/l/n was trustworthy. She’s always there when Paul is in a rut too big for him to handle...

#paul lahote #paul lahote imagine #paul lahote x reader #twilight wolf pack imagine #twilight wolf pack #twilight fanfiction #eclipse #twilight wolf imagines #embry call #jared cameron #sam uley

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calpalirwin · 3 years

Text

The Falcon and the Newlyweds

Summary: After Steve travels back in time to reunite you and Bucky, he retires as Captain America, but you’re just getting started. (aka exactly like TFATWS but better?)

A/N: All credits to original owners/writers of TFATWS series. Added details/characters and minor storyline changes are of my own imagination.

Word Count: 6.2k

And away, and away we go!

Episode 5

When Sam suggested the three of you go find John, you shook your head vehemently. “No. No, I don’t want to,” you whispered.

“Doll, we’re afraid we’re gonna hurt him, too,” Bucky admitted.

You still continued to shake your head. “I-I’m not worried about us… I-”

“Oh…” Bucky said in sad realization. “Oh, doll. You don’t have to be afraid of him. He lost control, and I think even he knows that. He’s still the idiot we hate. And yeah, by the looks of it he managed to snag a vial of the serum, which makes him like me now.” Bucky shuddered at the thought. “But someone needs to find him.”

“I don’t want to…”

“That’s okay. Sam and I can go. We can take you back to the apartment, and then Sam and I can go.”

“No. Bucky you can’t go.”

“I’m not letting Sam go by himself.”

You looked over at Sam, who was standing there with his hands in his pockets. “Look, Y/N. I know you saw an ugly side to John. I get that fear. Okay? I do. Buck used to scare me the way John just scared you. But Buck’s right. Someone has to find him, and it’s better if we do it. And look, throughout all of this, have Buck and I ever let you get close to getting hurt?”

“No…”

“Exactly. And if it makes you feel better, Buck and I will do the talking. Just come with us so we know you’re not alone. Please?”

“Okay,” you finally nodded. “But please don’t fight him if you don’t have to.”

“Never thought I’d hear you say that, much less agree with it,” Bucky tried to joke. “Sam, you still got Sharon tracking him?”

“Yeah, c’mon.”

~~~

Sam led the way to a building that was closed off for construction, easily locating John inside. “Walker,” Sam started.

“You guys should see a medic,” John interrupted. “You don’t look so good.” Long gone was the high and mighty tone he usually addressed you all with. His tone was also void of any attitude or malice. It was chilling to see him looking and sounding so void.

“Stop, Walker,” Sam started again, as John started to walk past you all.

“What?” he scoffed, the attitude and raised voice coming out. “You saw what happened. You know what I had to do. I killed him because I had to! He killed Lemar!”

“He didn’t kill Lemar, John,” Bucky said simply, keeping his own tone calm to not anger the other man, and cause another outburst of rage. “Don’t go down that road. Believe me, it doesn’t end well.” Sage advice from one previously unhinged super soldier to a currently unhinged one.

“I’m not like you,” John insisted.

Bucky gave a sad shake of his head, and you gripped his hand in yours reassuringly. If John didn’t want to listen to someone who’d been where’d he’d been, and under much worse conditions, that was on John, not Bucky.

“Listen,” Sam stepped in. “It was the heat of the battle, okay? If you explain what happened, they may consider your record. We don’t want anyone else to get hurt. John, you gotta give me the shield, man.”

Slow realization swept across John’s face. “Oh… so that’s what this is. You almost got me. I should’ve known when she didn’t have any smartmouthed remarks for me.” His gaze swept over you, chillingly so.

“Mistakes happen,” you said, your voice quiet. “Let them help you so this doesn’t get worse.”

“You don’t wanna do this,” John said, his attention back on Bucky and Sam.

“Yeah, we do,” Bucky responded.

There was a momentary pause as Bucky and Sam looked at each other, and nodded. In a swift movement, Bucky guided you backwards with his arm, then advanced on John with Sam.

Two against one, you watched as Bucky and Sam tried to outfight John, punches and kicks flying in every direction, vibranium fist colliding with vibranium shield. You pressed yourself against a wall, making yourself as small as possible, heart hammering in your chest as you watched the scene unfold.

Any fear you had turned to blood boiling rage when John chucked the shield, nailing Bucky in the chest as sending him crashing backwards as John advanced, Sam lying on the floor from a hit he’d taken.

“Why are you making me do this?!” you heard John scream as he pressed the shield into Bucky, pinning him between the metal and construction vehicle. He grabbed the shield that Bucky had a firm grip on, throwing Bucky sideways across the warehouse.

Seeing red, you quietly reached down to pull out a knife. Aside from the shootout in Madripoor, you never needed to use any of the weapons strategically placed throughout your suit. And despite everything, you didn’t actually want to shoot John, mostly at the risk of missing and hitting either Bucky or Sam. But while John wasn’t exactly in stabbing range, and you weren’t all that amped to get into stabbing range, you could throw it.

With a slow breath, you adjusted the sharp steel in your hand. You took aim, chucking the knife with as much accuracy and force as you could, watching as the blade hurled end over end before sinking into John’s upper thigh, at the very convenient time that Sam flew straight into him. “This isn’t you, John,” Sam breathed heavily as both men stood face to face.

“We could’ve been a team…”

Not liking the way John didn’t appear ready to give up, Sam launched a rope that locked into the shield, engaging in a weirdly combative game of tug of war.

John lost his grip, and the rope came loose, the shield clattering against the ground. If you were fast enough, you could reach out and snag it. But with Bucky still on the ground himself, Sam holding back John for you didn’t inspire much confidence. Especially when both men dove for the shield themselves. But when Sam tackled John away from grabbing it, both men rolling further away from you, and the shield, you took your chance.

“I. Am. Captain America!” John screamed as he pinned Sam down, ripping Sam’s wings off his suit.

“No, you’re not!” you said, charging into John with the shield with all your might. John’s body rolled off Sam’s, and yours rolled with the shield, clinging on to it for all you were worth as you and John both staggered to your feet. “Shit,” you breathed with a happy grin. “That was cool!” Then, your eyes went wide, before you screwed them shut, raising the shield the block John advancing on you. “SHIT!” you screamed, bracing for impact.

The impact however, never came as Bucky jumped into action at the sound of your voice, raining blows down on John. “Don’t! You! Fuckin’! Touch! Her!” Each yelled word was a new hit, as Bucky fought John away from you.

“It’s mine,” John panted like a child who was being forced to share his favorite toy against his will.

“It’s over, John,” Sam told him.

“It’s mine!” John snarled, taking a swing at Bucky.

Bucky blocked it, grabbing the back of John’s neck with his vibranium hand, and punching him in the face with his other hand. “Y/N, shield!” Sam ordered.

Not needing to be told twice, you tossed Sam the shield as Bucky picked up John, and slammed him into the shield, the force of the impact sending all three men crashing to the floor in a chorus of groaned grunts of pain, the shield lying uselessly on the ground once more.

Bucky was the first to recover, grabbing the shield, and rising to his feet. Wordlessly, he walked over to Sam, dropping it next to him. The look on Bucky’s face said more than his mouth ever could, the anger that he had helped Sam get a shield he’d given up so easily needing no reason to be physically voiced. “C’mon, doll,” he said simply, turning and walking out of the building, leaving John and Sam where they lay.

“We’re not gonna leave Sam here, are we?” you asked in a whisper, jogging to keep up with your husband.

“Right now? Yes.”

“Bucky… It’s been a long day. And I know you still have your issues about Sam and the shield, and what it all means to you. But it’s Sam. He’s our friend, and partner whether you want him to be, or not.”

“I know,” Bucky answered you through gritted teeth. “That’s why I’m only leaving him for right now. Now, let’s talk about you, and what you did.”

You sighed. “What? Are you gonna yell at me about how I should have kept my distance? How you and Sam told me not to engage with John, and how I didn’t even want to go in there in the first place, so I’m completely batshit for doing what I did? That I could have gotten hurt, or worse? I know all that, Bucky. So please, spare me the lecture.”

“That was half of it, yes…” he admitted. “But what you did was also incredibly smart, and got Sam the shield.”

You shrugged. “I just got mad, that’s all.”

“Yeah, but it got Sam the shield. And it potentially saved us too. John was… That’s not a fight I’m eager to have again, that’s for damn sure. Between that fight and the one earlier… Knowing that you’re okay, and Sam probably physically feels worse than I do right now is really the only thing helping me feel somewhat okay right now.”

“Well, let’s get back to the apartment, and I’ll patch you up like old times.”

Bucky smiled fondly at long buried memories. “Mmm. Nurse Y/N. I always liked her.”

~~~

“The GRC is conducting raids to try and find Karli,” Sam reported over breakfast the next morning. “But so far, they only found her followers. They’ve searched a camp nearby, and just like the last camp they searched, nothing. She’s gone. We’ll never find her.”

“Hey, you got your sleeve back,” Torres’ voice chirped as he walked into the living room, and you wondered briefly where he’d come from, but you figured he probably arrived when Sam did, and given him the full run down of the GRC’s movements, much like Sam was giving you and Bucky now. Torres pointed at Bucky’s left jacket sleeve, once again reattached to the jacket he was wearing. “No? Yeah… okay then…” Torres said to no one in particular as Bucky stood there in silence, with his trademark stoic stare.

Still silent, and clearly still angry with Sam, Bucky turned on his heel to exit the room. “Are you off to take care of Zemo?” Sam wondered.

“Alright, good to know you survived,” Torres chipped again in a goodbye of sorts as Bucky stalked off down the hallway.

“He’ll come around,” you said as a half-assed apology for Bucky. “He’s… ya know. So, what else do we need to know about the Karli situation? Or the John one?”

Sam shrugged, looking over at Torres. “What’s our next steps?”

“Captain America killing a foreign national in public? It’s kinda like a big deal. Like international incident big. Folks higher up on the payroll are all over it now. So, unfortunately…”

“They’re taking jurisdiction,” Sam guessed.

“Yeah,” Torres nodded, his attention falling to a duffle bag at Sam’s feet that contained the snapped wings of his suit. “What happened to these?”

“So is there anything we can do?” you asked as Torres started examining the duffle bag.

“Not really. As I was telling Sam, they’ve cordoned off the whole camp, and Karli’s a ghost. After what went down, she’s laying extra low. Like under underground.”

“That’s why it makes sense for us to get involved,” Sam said. “The longer we let her regroup, the harder it’s gonna be to find her.”

“She’s got people helping her from all over the world, on all platforms,” Torres pointed out. “She’s really, really good at this thing.” He ran his hands carefully over the splintered wings. “How’d these break?”

“John,” you answered while Sam sighed, taking in all the information Torres was providing.

“Anyways,” Torres went on, “all we can do now is sit tight, and just chill. Sometimes there’s nothing to do, until there’s something to do.”

“That’s bizarrely wise,” Sam said with a small laugh.

“It means we can train,” you interjected. “Be prepared for whatever comes next.”

“The lady has a point,” Torres agreed with you, his eyes flickering longingly to the shield that lay on the table, remnants of the blood John had splattered on his now gone.

“Yeah, alright,” Sam nodded with a smile, looking at you. “Find your husband, and let’s get to work.”

Thankfully, all you had to do was turn your head, finding Bucky stalking back down the hallway with both yours and his suitcases in hand. “B- Oh, hey. We going somewhere?”

“Home. Well. Sam is. You and I are making a pit stop first.”

“So you finally found Zemo?” was Sam’s guess.

“I have an idea of where he might be, yeah.”

“You know, sometimes you still scare me Buck. The staring. The eerily calm voice. It’s creepy, man.”

“You wanna get to work, or not, Sam?”

~~~

The pit stop ended up being Sokovia, Bucky giving you a full rundown as to why he figured Zemo would be there on the flight over. He also told you of the plan he had. And sure enough, as the two of you walked up to the memorial site, Zemo was standing in front of it, his back facing you.

“I thought you’d be here sooner,” Zemo said as you and Bucky got within earshot. “Don’t worry. I’ve decided I’m not going to kill you.”

“Imagine my relief,” Bucky deadpanned, finger clicking the safety of the gun he had ready at his side.

Zemo turned towards you both, unthreatened by Bucky’s action as his attention focused on you. “The girl has been radicalized beyond salvation. I warned you and Sam, but you wouldn’t listen. Just as stubborn as Steve was, the two of you.” His gaze shifted to Bucky. “But you. They literally programmed you to kill. James, do what needs to be done. Karli has people everywhere. And there’s only one way to make sure she cannot continue her mission.”

“I appreciate the advice,” Bucky answered, his face conveying no evidence of whether or not that statement was actually true. “But we’re gonna do it our own way.”

Zemo chuckled at what he believed to be the naivety of Bucky’s words. “Yeah. I was afraid you’d say that.”

The gun in Bucky’s hand clicked again as he loaded what you knew to be nothing, but Zemo rightfully assumed to be a bullet into the chamber, raising his hand, the barrel of the gun mere inches from Zemo’s forehead. Zemo went pale, but kept his composure calm, even nodding at Bucky like he was giving the man permission to pull the trigger.

You watched as Zemo sucked in his breath while Bucky pressed ever so lightly on the trigger. But all that came out of the gun was an empty clicking sound. Eyes still locked on Zemo, Bucky opened his other hand, the bullets clattering to the ground.

Silently, the Dora Milaje walked up, surrounding Zemo. “Ladies,” he greeted, before addressing Bucky one last time. “I took the liberty of crossing my name off in your book. I hold no grudges for what you thought you had to do. Goodbye James. It was nice getting to know you, Mrs. Barnes.”

Two of the Dora Milaje escorted Zemo away, while the third talked briefly with Bucky about their own plans for Zemo. “It would be prudent to make yourself scarce in Wakanda for the time being, White Wolf,” she added as a small warning.

“Fair enough,” he nodded. Then, “Hey. I may have another favor to ask of you.”

~~~

After your visit with Zemo, you and Bucky headed home.

“Buck said you got a few good ones in on that new Cap guy. Good for you,” Steve smiled proudly.

“I did okay, I guess. Got out better than Bucky and Sam, that’s for sure,” you shrugged in modesty. “Have you heard from Sam?”

“Yeah, he got back a few days ago. But just as soon as he stopped by, he was gone again. Something about seeing the old man in Baltimore?”

“Bradley,” you and Bucky said in unison. “He’s uh… like you and me,” Bucky added as an extra explanation when Steve cocked his head in confusion. “It’s a long story.”

“Well, if that was a few days ago, where’s Sam now?” you asked.

Steve shrugged. “My guess? He went home to see his sister in Louisiana. You guys still not talking after what happened?”

You looked at Bucky, and shook your head. “No. Bucky won’t say it, but he’s still never forgiven Sam for giving up the shield in the first place. And now he’s even more mad he had to help Sam get it back, because-”

“None of this would have happened if he hadn’t given it up in the first place,” you and Steve gave your best Bucky impression together.

“1.) I don’t sound like that. And 2.) I’m right. None of this would have happened if Sam had kept the shield. Not the shit with Walker anyway.”

“But Sam’s still family. And we’re still Avengers. And we still have a job to finish with Karli,” you pointed out.

“What? So you want to go to Louisiana and find Sam?” Bucky asked you.

“That would be a start.”

“Doll, we just got home. Don’t you wanna be home for a bit?”

“Not when there’s still work to be done. And you and Sam gotta put this whole mess behind you once and for all, because all Riga proved was that it takes all three of us working together to take down John.”

“And that barely worked,” he reminded you.

“Which is also why we all need to train together. Not you training me here while Sam does God knows what in Louisiana. We need to be an actual team here, Bucky.”

Bucky sighed. “Alright. I’ll book us a flight first thing tomorrow, okay?”

“Why not book it right now?”

Bucky looked at Steve, clearing his throat before leaning in close to your ear. “Because of reasons I can’t say in front of your brother, doll.”

Your eyes went wide and your cheeks turned bright red at Bucky’s insinuation while Steve clapped his hands loudly together. “Okay. I think we’re done here.”

~~~

You’re sure we’re in the right place?” you asked Bucky as you approached a dock crowded with people and supplies.

Bucky only nodded as he climbed in the back of a truck lifting a huge pallet with ease at the same time you heard Sam’s voice wonder “How do we get it off the truck?”

“You’re welcome,” Bucky said as he set the pallet aside, turning to see Sam’s shocked expression.

“Surprise,” you grinned, waggling your fingers in a wave at Sam.

Sam stepped around the truck to get closer to you and Bucky, the shock on his face now a questioning look.

Bucky set a suitcase down on the bed of the truck. “Just dropping this off. Sign for it, and we’ll go.”

“Bucky,” you hissed under your breath. This was not part of your plan at all.

“I called in a favor from the Wakandans,” Bucky explained to Sam.

Before Sam could say anything in response, or you could berate Bucky under your breath again, a pipe started hissing loudly, and a woman was rushing over. “Sam!”

Sam wasted no time in rushing over to assess what the damage to the pipe was and how to go about fixing it, grabbing a nearby wrench as the woman looked at you and Bucky.

“Hi,” you smiled at her.

“Hi,” she smiled back.

Bucky sighed, watching what Sam was doing before going over. “Hold on, hold on. You gotta go up.” He took the wrench from Sam, pushing him out of the way, quickly tightening to the loose bolt on the pipe until it stopped hissing.

“Why didn’t you use the metal arm?” Sam asked as Bucky set the wrench aside.

Bucky thought about it for a second, looking at the vibranium appendage. “Well, I don’t always think of it immediately. I’m right-handed. So, this is the boat, huh?”

“This is it,” Sam nodded.

“It’s nice,” Bucky complimented. “You want any help?”

Sam looked at Bucky, sighing deeply. “Yeah…”

You and the woman looked over at Bucky and Sam, rolling your eyes. “Men…” you muttered. Then, “Hi, I’m Y/N.”

“Sarah,” she smiled back. “Friends of Sam’s, I take it?”

“Something like that, yeah.”

“Mmm,” she nodded, her eyes roaming over Bucky. “And who are you?”

“I’m Bucky,” he grinned charmingly at her.

Sam punched him in the right arm as hard as he could.

“Ow! What the hell, Sam?!” Bucky growled, rubbing at his arm.

“What is it with you and people’s sisters, man? How did Steve not beat your ass?”

Sarah’s eyes went wide as she looked at you, yours and Bucky’s name clicking in familiarity. “Oh!” she said, a hand covering her mouth as she looked at you, “I’m so sorry!”

You howled with laughter as Sam hit Bucky in the arm some more. “Seriously?! How did Steve not obliterate your ass?”

“He was like a foot shorter and weighed maybe a hundred pounds soaking wet,” Bucky shrugged. “Now will you stop hitting me? Doll!” He turned to you with puppy dog eyes to help him. “Weren’t you the one saying I needed to learn to be friendlier to people?”

“Friendlier, not flirtier,” you clarified, tears rolling down your cheeks from how hard you were still laughing. “Now help Sam with the damn boat, Sergeant Charmer.”

It was an interesting morning watching Bucky and Sam work on the boat, while you helped Sarah in the house making meals. “It’s probably a good thing Bucky’s from another time,” she commented as she caught you staring dreamily out the window for the millionth time.

“How do you mean?”

“A man that looks like that, and knows it? In today’s society? Not usually a good mix.”

“Oh, those types have always existed,” you said with a small chuckle. “Bucky and Steve used to fight them quite a bit.”

“And you? Having to fight off the hoards of women that no doubt threw themselves at a man like that?”

You laughed again. “Very rare occurrences. Bucky is, uh… attentive that way, I guess.”

“Well, you’re lucky to have a husband like Bucky. Men like that are hard to come by, believe me.”

“Oh, I know. Funny thing is, if you ask Bucky, he’d say he’s the lucky one.”

“Well, lunch is about done if you wanna bring these plates out to them for me.”

You thanked her, loading the plates up in your arms before walking outside and over to where Bucky and Sam were. “Lunch time!” you called out.

Both of their heads swiveled in your direction, Bucky clutching at his heart dramatically. “Oh, a woman after my own heart.”

“Sarah made lunch, I just helped,” you told him, handing him a plate.

Sam snickered, taking his own plate from you, “Thanks for helping her,” he told you, then in a louder voice that was almost a shout, “Thank you, Sarah!”

“You think Karli’s gonna throw in the towel?” Bucky asked, as you all took a spot and dug into your lunch.

Sam shook his head as he swallowed his bite of food. “I think she’s gonna double down.”

“Any idea on how to stop her?”

“I got Torres working on something.”

“Well, Zemo says there’s only one way.”

You all said nothing for a minute, eating your lunch and thinking quietly to yourselves before Bucky broke the silence. “Well. Y/N and I gotta catch our flight tomorrow. Gonna get a hotel room for the night. Crash, ya know?”

“So you’re just gonna set me up like that, huh?”

“Well, there’s two of us. We don’t wanna impose, or anything. I really just came to give you that,” Bucky nodded at the suitcase the Wakandans have given him for Sam.

Sam snorted. “Like Y/N didn’t all but march your ass on the plane to get here. So just stay here. The people in this town are the most welcoming people in the world. They don’t care if you wear small T-shirts, or if you have six toes, or if your mom’s your aunt-” Sam rambled.

“Okay,” Bucky cut him off with a chuckle. “I get it. I mean, you know, the people are nice.”

You and Sam laughed too, before Sam pointed at Bucky, “But don’t flirt with my sister.”

“Why would I do that?”

Sam looked at you, “He doesn’t get it, does he?”

You shook your head, “He never really did.”

“What don’t I get?”

“It’s how you interact with women in general, Bucky. They find you charming,” you explained. “Niceness is mistaken as interest.”

“Well, that’s ridiculous.”

“Just keep the charm around my sister in check, or I’ll help Y/N cut you up, and feed you to the fish.”

Bucky rolled his eyes.

~~~

That night, instead of a hotel, you and Bucky slept in the spare bedroom of Sarah’s house, while Sam offered to take the couch.

Both of you awoke to the sounds of Sarah’s sons making a ruckus down the hall, and Sam’s tired call out of “Hey!”

You rolled on your side, to find Bucky already looking at you with a smile on his face. “What’s got you so happy this morning?” you asked, kissing his nose.

His shoulders shrugged. “Something about this is nice. Waking up next to you in a house. Sound of kids.”

You gasped softly in a teasing manner. “James Barnes, are you saying you want a quiet domestic life?”

He chuckled, kissing your forehead. “You knew that was what I wanted. What our lives were supposed to be like when I got home. You wanted the same thing too, didn’t you?”

“Of course I did. I still do. I just didn’t know you still did, given how much everything’s changed.”

“For a while I didn’t. My focus was… elsewhere. But it’s been something that’s been on my mind again since you’ve been back. But I wanted to give us both time to adjust. Catch up for lost time, just me and you. And then… ya know. But yeah. This,” he twirled a finger about the room, and the sounds of the house coming alive, “is still something I want.”

“Well, it’s still something I want, too.”

His kiss was heavy with need as his lips crashed into yours. “God, I love you.”

~~~

The shield bit deeply into the tree Sam hurled it at. “Son of a b-” he muttered, dashing over to wedge it free.

“You need something it can bounce back off of,” Bucky told him.

“You need something it can bounce back off of,” Sam repeated in a mocking tone.

Bucky rolled his eyes. “C’mon, I got an idea.”

The idea ended up being taking rubber mats to bound around the trees, Sam giving it a test once they were done. The shield bounced off the mat, flying straight back to Sam who caught it with ease. “Yeah, alright,” he conceded. “That’s way better.”

“How’s the shield part feel?” you asked.

“That part feels weird.” He launched it again, the shield ricocheting off one mat into another before Bucky caught it. “The legacy of that shield,” Sam continued, “is complicated to say the least.”

“When Steve told us what he was planning, I don’t think any of us really understood what it felt like for a Black man to be handed the shield. How could we?” Bucky spoke up.

You and Sam shared a look, Sam jerking a thumb at you, “Well, I understood. And so did she. But glad you’re finally catching up.”

Bucky sighed, “Fine. I didn’t understand. Point is, I owe you an apology. I’m sorry.” He lifted the arm the shield was on towards Sam for Sam to take.

“Thank you,” Sam said sincerely, taking the shield.

“Whatever happened with Walker, it wasn’t your fault,” Bucky went on to say. “I get it. It’s just… that shield… For a while it was the closest thing I had to a family. Or it was a huge part in me getting my family back anyway. Because if Steve never took it up in the first place… Well, when you retired it, it felt like giving up. Made me question everything. Like first Steve retired. Then you retired the shield. Everything that saved me was done. Like I was nothing but a completed mission.”

You and Sam stayed quiet, letting Bucky spill out the confession he now found the words to express. But after a long enough pause on Bucky’s end, you reached out to squeeze his hand reassuringly. “I know both Steve, and the shield mean a lot to you. But it doesn’t define you, Bucky,” you told him softly. “You are not who you are because of Steve. He might have helped, but he is not the reason. You are. You’re the one who put in the work.”

“She’s right,” Sam agreed with you. “You gotta stop looking at other people to tell you who you are. Let me ask you, you still having those nightmares?”

“All the time,” Bucky nodded. “It means I remember. It means a part of me is still there. Which means a part of the Winter Soldier’s still in me.”

“You up for a little tough love? You wanna climb out of that hell you’re in, keep doing the work.”

“I’ve been making my amends.”

Sam scoffed. “No. You weren’t amending, you were avenging. And teaching Y/N in the process. You were stopping all the wrongdoers you enabled as the Winter Soldier because you thought it would bring you closure. But if it actually was, then your nightmares wouldn’t be happening. At least not with the frequency they still do.”

Bucky looked at you, both of you thinking about Yori back home. “You’re not allowed to talk to Sam anymore if you’re gonna blab everything I tell you to him.”

You smiled, knowing he was only teasing. “We’re a team, Bucky. Looking out for each other is what we do.”

Bucky shook his head. “Definitely not a team.”

“Nope,” Sam agreed with Bucky.

“We’re not that good,” Bucky laughed.

“Definitely not,” Sam agreed again.

“We’re professionals.”

“Definitely.”

“And uh… partners?”

“Coworkers.”

“But, we’re also a couple guys with a mutual friend.”

“But the friend’s now gone,” Sam pointed out.

“So we’re a couple of guys.”

“I can live with that.”

“Perfect.”

You snorted at their boyish back and forth antics. “The word you’re looking for is ‘family’ actually,” you interjected.

“Just uh… call us when you have a lead on Karli, and we’ll be there,” Bucky told Sam.

“Yep. And uh, thanks for the help. Meant a lot.”

“Course,” Bucky clapped Sam on the shoulder, and you and Sam gave each other a quick hug. “C’mon, doll. We got a flight to catch.”

~~~

Back home with no idea for how long, you and Bucky set to work on a more rigorous training for you.

Mornings quickly became filled with drilling you in various hand-to-hand combat techniques in which Bucky barely broke a sweat, and you ended up drenched in enough of your own for the both of you.

While you relished in your morning routine with Bucky, it was the afternoons you found particularly interesting after you came out of the bedroom to find Bucky sitting in front of his laptop. “Whatcha looking at?” you asked, wrapping your arms around his shoulders as you peered at the house listings on the computer screen.

“Domestic dreaming,” he said, not taking his eyes off the screen as he patted the sofa cushion next to him for you to join him.

“Oh, so when you said you still wanted this, you meant you wanted it now,” you teased as you moved around him to take the offered seat.

He shrugged. “Figured it couldn’t hurt. Thanks to Stark, everyone that’s still around is pretty well off. And I forget when exactly, but at some point Steve and I were able to get our GI funds.”

“That’s nice,” you noted, now understanding why finances had never seemed to be an issue despite neither of you actually working.

“Yeah. And I figured raising a family in a shoebox apartment isn’t part of that domestic dream. So…”

“So here we are,” you supplied.

“So here we are,” he repeated with a nod. “Oh, this one looks nice,” he said, clicking on one of the options.

“It is,” you agreed, watching as Bucky clicked through the pictures of the 3 bedroom home. “Big enough to raise a family. Small enough to not be obnoxious.”

“Mhm,” Bucky murmured, the mouse hovering over the link to schedule a viewing. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” you grinned.

After that, it wasn’t uncommon for yours and Bucky’s afternoons to be filled with meeting with realtors and attending open houses, weighing all your options in the evenings. And with the type of dedication Bucky had towards house hunting, it wasn’t long at all until you found a place you both fell in love with.

“C’mon, doll,” he roused you one morning like he always did. “Gotta go train.”

Normally you bounded out of bed, excited for a new day of training exercises, but today you swatted a hand at him, batting him away. “No,” you mumbled, pulling the blanket up over your head, and turning away from him, the action making your stomach roll. You let out a long, low groan.

“You feeling alright?” he asked, his voice taking on a note of concern. Hands pulled the blanket from your face, before he was feeling your forehead, checking for any unusual warmth. “You don’t feel like you have a fever,” he noted with a frown.

“Gonna be sick,” you announced, springing from bed and racing for the bathroom.

Bucky followed worriedly, one hand pulling your hair out of your face, the other rubbing soothingly at your back as you dry-heaved into the toilet. “Okay, no training today. We do have the meeting with the realtor later to sign the last of the papers and get the keys. But I can ask Steve to come keep you company while I go do that if you’re not up for it.”

“No,” you said, shaking your head and rising shakily to your feet. “You don’t have to bother Steve. It’s just a stomach bug, I’ll be fine.”

“Well, let me at least help you back to bed, and make you some breakfast, okay?”

“Fine,” you conceded, letting him support your weight as he led you back to bed. “But I’m not hungry,” you told him as you pulled the blanket close around you in bed.

“Not hungry, or worried you’ll be sick if you eat?” he questioned the validity of your statement.

You stuck your tongue out at him.

He chuckled, pressing a kiss to your forehead. “At least try to eat some toast for me? Maybe having something in your stomach will help.”

“If you get it to me before I fall back asleep, I’ll try,” was your compromise.

Quickly, Bucky raced into the kitchen, as you closed your eyes wondering why you suddenly felt so miserable. When you’d been sick in the past, there’d always been signs leading up to it. But this sickness had caught you completely off guard.

“Gotta sit up for me, doll,” Bucky’s voice had you opening your eyes again, spotting him standing next to you with a plate in his hand.

You groaned, sitting up against the headboard and taking a begrudging bite of the toast.

He chuckled again. “I forgot how stubborn you get when you’re sick. Way more than you normally are.”

“Not sure how not wanting to vomit toast, and wanting to sleep makes me stubborn, but okay,” you said, taking another slow bite.

“Aren’t there usually signs before you get sick? I thought there used to be signs.”

“There are signs. Or there’s supposed to be. I dunno what the heck is happening.”

His brows pulled together in curious confusion. “You’re not…” his eyes shifted to look at your stomach pointedly. “Are you?”

Your eyes went wide at the suggestion, before you shrugged your shoulders. “Maybe?”

“Shit…”

“Would it be bad if I was?”

“No!” he rushed. “God no. Just…”

“We talked about all of this back in the forties, it became irrelevant for decades, and now that we started talking about the possibility of it all again, it’s all happening at once.”

“And we still have the Karli situation, yeah. But it’s fine. It’s more than fine. Do you want me to run down to the pharmacy?”

“Please?”

Ten minutes later, Bucky held you tight as you waited on the test lying on the bathroom counter with wide and tearful eyes. “Holy shit…” you both breathed in unison, as a small plus sign appeared in the result window. “Holy shit!”

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ships-bynoa · 3 years

Text

The Titans are almost back, bitches. aka 3x06

Guys, literally every time the titans are together-or even paired up-the episode gets ten times better, but in 6 episodes there is simply not enough Kory and Gar. I can easily forget that when I’m basking in the episode they are in, especially when they’re giving us family dynamics.

Kory:

“You’re not mad that I left. You’re mad I came back.” Kory’s face tells us Blackfire is right on the money, and who would know her better than her sister?

So, Kory, oh boy. Our girl is on edge. She is slowly unraveling and is super vulnerable and raw with Kom around and little sister is going to exploit it and her guilt, which I think she’s carrying a lot of. So far their dynamic has been fascinating because there’s so much to read between them and so many accusations being flung back and forth, from both. From Kory; you sense guilt and even contempt and from Kom there’s envy and resentment, but also there’s a sense of idealization for her older sister, too, which of course, with younger siblings, there always is an element of that. And as an older sibling, there is always an unspoken and sometimes spoken responsibility placed on them for their younger siblings. Parents often don’t realize it, but they can create a lot of tension within siblingships by assigning roles.

They remember home and family very differently, which is often the case, too. Kom was often thrown in the pit and to that, Kory attributes her sister’s constant rebellion as the reason, and yet, Kory herself was a bit of a rule breaker, sleeping with her guard, Fiddei.

Kory was being suffocated by the laws and customs of her home planet; one could say she rebelled by going on a mission, to escape her duties. Home did neither of them any favors because while one rebelled because she did not fit in, the one who did fit in was dying inside, surrounded by little robots and becoming one herself. Being told what to eat, wear and who to love or be friends with is yikes.

I was thinking Kom began her game of manipulation in the bunker, but she really started before that when she sent Fiddei to bring Kory home when she probably intended to kill him all along. After all she would’ve castrated him if she’d had the chance to for sleeping with Kory in the first place. Shortly after Fiddei’s death, Kory flamed out. No powers. Emotionally wrung out from the news her family was dead and now the culprit is here. These two know each other very well and know exactly how to get underneath each other’s skin. Right now Kom is getting underneath Kory’s and our girl is losing patience fast.

I’m wondering when exactly Dick will tune into Kory’s anxiety-ridden state and step in to support.

Ultimately, I just want to see what truly happened to the girls on their planet and how we have the versions we have now. Like, Kory said to Rachel, “No one is born good or bad, we are defined by our choices.” I get the feeling Kory has given Kom so many chances to make a different choice and has become disillusioned, meanwhile Kom believes nothing she does will give her the respect she feels she deserves anyway, so she may as well blow shit up, figuratively and literally. At least then she’ll have Kory’s attention.

Gar:

Gar losing it on Dick was so cathartic and yet he could’ve gone much further, considering Dick abandoned him last season to go jail and hallucinate Bruce. It ultimately led to Gar (and Conner) being kidnapped and experimented on by Mercy. It’s actually all the adults fault this happened, but as the leader promoting his family everywhere he goes, he needs to keep his eye on the ball. He would know if he spent five minutes at home with them that Gar is struggling. Last season Gar was #OperationSaveTitans and this season he’s #ThisFamilyIsDying. He’s doing what the adults should be doing, or at least leading the charge on it. He’s the glue, but who will hold him together?

He’s carrying too much emotional responsibility and Dick’s dismissal, because he is fully locked into Gotham and being Batman, makes me mad. Get your head in the game, Grayson. Gotham is going to eat your family while you retread the nostalgic steps of your past.

We all know Dick’s not good at expressing himself emotionally, though he’s usually forced to express something when talking to or being confronted by Kory, so I was proud of him for giving Gar the floor to speak. I just wish Gar spoke about himself, but then again, he needs more time and consistent offers to be heard. I’m happy Dick followed up the conversation up with a bonding/training session. There was definitely pride in Dick’s face because Gar really has come a long way in this group, but he needs MORE SCREEN TIME. I’d like to see the two of them out in the field together the way we’ve seen Kory this season with Gar and Conner.

I wonder if Gar losing control is the start of all his trauma bubbling up to the surface, will being in Gotham, hunting down a friend be too much?

As a side, has the CGI tiger face gotten worse?

Kom (and Conner):

First thing’s first, what music are we thinking Kom listens to? Probably the kind of music she can break your tailbone to, like, Kendrick Lamar, J. Cole and Jay Z, or Prince, Jimmy Hendrix, Stevie Nicks and Led Zeppelin? Rihanna?

Kom is absolutely a villain this season and if she isn’t, what a waste that’ll be. A mastermind at mind games (see, her picking up the chess piece), who is going to drum up Kory’s paranoia and anxiety around her being there. Trying to kill her suspicion by guilt tripping her while simultaneously being a do good-er to the group, feigning interest in helping the Titans to earn her way in, a tip from our boy, Conner.

She says she wants acceptance and I believe that’s absolutely true, but she doesn’t know how to get that without using power, so she’ll continue to covet acceptance through and with power because according to Kory, she’s always been a climber. Add to that, being born the cursed child and the only royal member born without the gift of fire, something that differentiates them from the common folk, being too frail to participate in the same games as Kory, having a speech therapist be her only friend while being the object of ridicule and you have a villain origin story nicely set up.

I really enjoyed Conner and Kom’s exchange. The boy lit up when he spoke about seeing his family happy and it made me light up. He’s so genuine and has a big heart and Kom is going to take advantage of it, that’s not to say she won’t develop real feelings for him, but she can like him and still use him.

Conner’s “you have to earn your way into the family,” is perhaps an internal and personal struggle he has from sharing blood with Luthor. I think it may come from an insecure place because he was made a titan as soon as he woke up and no one questioned it, but as he’s only half of superman, he’s constantly trying to prove his usefulness for good, which losing Hank has rocked, leaving him vulnerable to Kom’s recognition for his otherness. Their otherness.

She gave us insight into her mind, but also she has likely seized an opportunity to use the vulnerability against Conner and to her favor by making him her kindred. Outcasts. Will she gain influence over him? He’s still young and learning, and trusting, too.

Her interest in him felt layered, ignoring the ugly customs of sex servants, she was also observing Kory’s relationships and ranking them in her sister’s life. Her being able to determine who may have Kory’s interest (which Kory gave away with her vulnerable display of worry over Dick’s welfare in front of Kom) will surely come into play at some point, right? After all, Kom did kill Kory’s last lover/royal guard. This may be me projecting. LOL.

Romantically, I’m waiting to see how they play it before I decide if I like it or not, but so far, they have a nice chemistry. Friendly.

Dick (and Barbara) :

What a lovable dumb ass.

I was so happy Kory lost it on him and called him on his lone ranger shit, at least when it’s her, even when he’s being an idiot, he’s still listening. “Let’s go.” and I thought it was hilarious that he tried explaining himself, but when Gar called him out, he got all huffy with, “Excuse me, young man.”

Gar asking Kory not to have words with Barbara over Dick getting shot was so funny because Dick’s face seemed to ask the same when she asked how it happened. We love a protective Kory. I’ll be looking at him when it’s his turn to reciprocate.

I don’t like him dismissing their concerns about his personal safety and how it affects them, it’s like he’s learned nothing after running off alone to battle Trigon, or rather has unlearned his lessons of S2. I’d like to see some more permanent emotional growth from him by this season’s end. In his current state, he’s not an exuding leader. He can’t be when he’s still wrapped up in Bruce and all things Gotham. He’s not tuned into Kory’s anxiety, or Conner’s grief and insecurity, or Gar’s emotional burden.

He’s started making it up to him, but he has much to do in taking Gar’s concerns and emotional needs seriously.

I’m not even going to try and work out the timeline between Barbara and Dick and Dick and old Titans in San Fran and S1. But it doesn’t bode well that Dick’s dream with Barbara ended in a nightmare.

I wish they’d never did the whole Dick and Dawn relationship in S2 because they’re basically repeating some of the beats in showing us how they don’t work as a couple, only his relationship with Babs makes a lot more sense even though I don't care. Dick has unfinished business with that relationship, Bruce and Gotham and I can only hope he’s wrapped it up for good by this season’s end. I want to see relaxed, smiling and happy Dick in THE PRESENT. I still Babs will be the one to notice and point out Dick's feelings for Kory.

Barbara (outside of Dick) is being downplayed a little, no? Dismissing Dick’s suspicions about Jason when he arrived, showing no knowledge of Jason’s visits to Crane and then taking the bait and moving Crane after he got a light beat down. A commissioner who was also a very capable vigilante is tricked by a recording and goes to meet “Bruce” on her own. I really enjoyed that she could hold her own and the fight scene was really good, but it was a bit baffling that she fell for that ruse. So far, she’s not entirely good at her job.

Dick’s a distraction in his own right and her feelings clearly get in the way, which is why she keeps asking him to leave the precinct and Gotham; because she’s pining a fantasy and he’s ruining it. Lastly, I really like the way Savannah plays Barbara.

Why’d they do that to Tim?? :(

Overall, it was a better episode and I enjoyed it more than latter episodes, but they’re not quite there yet for me. I’m still waiting for Team Titans.

#dc titans #kory anders #koriand'r #stafire #gar logan #beast boy #dick grayson #nightwing #conner kent #superboy #noa posts

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leftonraed · 3 years

Text

The Night We Met - Episode 7

pairing : Taehyung x OC genre : bodyguard!au, singleparent!au, idol!au word count : 5.9 k summary — Everything seems set fair for Taehyung and his niece, except you’re not in the picture much to their dismay. Warnings – smut scenes ahead, nothing too extreme I promise ;] Prologue | ep.1 | ep.2 | ep.3 | ep.4 | ep.5 | ep.6 | ep.7

It must have been the tenth time Taehyung’s skimming his completed adoption request. His parents who arrived a little while ago let him have some peace and quiet in the short minutes they’ve got left before the hearing.

His arms are resting on his knees and his hair hides his face from anyone walking down the large hallway. He relaxes his wrists, forcing himself to stare at anything else but the paper in his hands and calm his nerves.

He closes his eyes and tries to think of anything to disconnect from the noise of people buzzing around.

His mind takes him away for a moment, far enough to make his parents’ conversation nothing but a string of indistinct words. He’s being taken back to this morning, back to his earliest thought of the day – you.

He’d instantly conjured up a picture of you as soon as he had felt your arms wrapping around his body beneath the covers. His lips had stretched in a lazy smile while his hands slid down above yours. The feeling of your lips kissing the skin of his nape had thieved a soft groan of pleasure.

He’d turned around, taken his place between your legs, rubbing against their softness in slow moves before seeking your mouth blindly. You’d hugged him tight, answering his kiss just as zealously.

Taehyung isn’t sure how but he can still smell the scent your neck was giving off. It’s like you’re with him all over again.

The needy moan you had let escape once you had felt him pushing deeper within, had had him rolling his hips against yours for the first time, silently requesting more of those.

The notion of your presence in his embrace was overwhelming. He couldn’t get enough of you.

He’d offered you some respite and buried his face in your neck and hair, thrusting harder, squeezing tighter, inhaling deeply as much as possible.

He could hear you, gasping by his ear while stifling you with his love. Your nails had dug in his back as his name had escaped you in a tired pant. He’d smothered you in a possessive and comforting hold as he had helped you ride out the sudden burst.

He’d followed closely, trapping his throaty grunts in your mouth with a demanding kiss while he was filling you up with more of himself.

Taehyung had never opened his eyes the whole time, he didn’t want to, he wanted to keep you here, underneath and stuck to him simply because it felt right.

Once the pleasurable feeling had worn off, he eventually blinked himself awake, only to be surrounded by a deafening silence and the absence of you.

He felt hot, exhausted and wet. The pillow was sticking to his face uncomfortably when he pulled himself up on his arms to glance down where you were supposed to be. He was left to discover himself in the mess you had driven him to make.

“Taehyung!”

He opens his eyes and looks up in surprise at the loud call from his father.

“You left the poor girl calling for you for a whole minute.”

He recognizes and finally acknowledges Hina’s teacher bent towards him. She had graciously accepted to take part in the hearing in his favor.

“Oh- Hum, I’m- I’m so sorry. I-”

“Don’t worry. I was telling your parents that I’d probably be elsewhere if I was in your shoes.”

“Right,” he trails, smiling awkwardly.

“Your face… It’s hum- a little red, are you okay?”

He shakes his hair in front of his eyes, hiding away in embarrassment, ineluctably forced to remember the last image he had of himself from this morning.

“You sure? You’re getting redder.”

Luckily, she’s cut off by Hina’s sudden burst of joy at his sight, who comes running their way under the smiles of his parents. Her grandparents are walking behind along with Choi Seoyoung.

Just as everyone is done greeting each other, the door leading to the adoption court judge opens welcoming everyone in.

********************************

Now reunited for good, it feels like the past three months away from each other never happened. Taehyung learns to cherish even more the moments in Hina’s company, indirectly ensuring himself he’s still a special place in her heart.

He makes time for her, from now on family will always come first. It took a couple of weeks for Hina to feel safe in his absence again and stop feeling like being him was going to be ephemeral.

On the other hand, Taehyung’s insecurities were directed towards his career, he struggled to make sense of his desires and priorities. Should I take a break? Should I quit? He still very much liked singing and writing music but one thing he was certain of, he’d need to make some changes in their interest.

One day Hina asked where you had gone and he realized all this questioning made him almost forget about you for the longest time ever.

After she had been taken away from him, he’d become aware he had no means to get in touch with you. He’d never needed your phone number because you had always been around. He’d never seen you use one when he came to think about it. He remembered the gym place you worked at but his touring abroad and busy schedule prevented him from visiting it right after you’d left.

He questioned one of the staff members in charge of human resources but the equipment had been improved and the data with any reference to you had been lost.

He just couldn’t believe it. In this day and age, he couldn’t find you. Just like this, you had vanished.

Hina was just as disheartened when he told her. She made him hate his helplessness all the more.

*********************************

It’s the end of the year.

Parents and children are huddled in front of the school doors, talking animatedly. Taehyung keeps his distance as he ends his chat on the phone with his mother.

“I think I got it the first fifteen times you said it,” he whines. “I’ll give you 4K HD Hina, the singer. Don’t worry. I won’t miss a thing from it. No, still nothing. I don’t think I’ll- we’ll ever see her again. Hm… She tries her best, you know, to not be sad about it but- yeah… It sucks. You should’ve come with dad. It could’ve helped her cheer up a little... I know. Make sure he waits three hours before he takes those pills again.”

The afternoon sunlight is harsh on his eyes when he takes a look and he has to turn around. He’s on his own, save the two or three people lingering outside, on their phones as well.

“You know, your brother must be very thankful to have you.”

Taehyung smiles awkwardly at his feet, shifting his weight.

“I hope she’s not disappointed because it’s just me. I hope he’s watching too, she rehearsed very seriously.” He makes his mother giggle. “I listened to her so many times… I just might as well go and sing with them.”

“You’d look cute.”

“I hope you really don’t plan on doing that. That’s not what I came here for.”

Taehyung turns around instinctively when he hears the sudden voice behind him but the sun hits his face barely letting him see anything even with his eyes covered.

He frowns, blinking as his eyes adjust and freezes.

That dress, he wonders.

The stranger gets closer until the sun is fully hidden behind and Taehyung feels blessed with an even more dazzling view when he recognizes you.

“Mom, I- I’ll call you later.” He trails, locking his phone as he can’t look away.

“Hi,” you say.

You’re here. You came.

You stare back, breaking into a lopsided smile when he’s still not replying.

His mouth opens but nothing comes out.

You wait, the time needed for you to take him in after all those months away and appreciate how he’s changed.

It’s your first time seeing him looking this elegant and formal and it suits him. His hair looks a little shorter. You’re glad to find him doing much better than when you’d left.

Your name is the first thing that he eventually lets out. “You’re here.”

“Of course,” fixing your eyes on him with a soft smile. “I made a promise, remember?”

******************

Taehyung lets you lead the march after you’ve scolded him for making you two late. He finds himself glancing down at your hand holding his and at your back, staring shamelessly at the way the fabric hugs your flawless figure.

“It’s packed.” Your voice snaps him back in reality.

“Shit,” he mutters while looking around. “I promised her I’d sit in the front row.”

“This way,” you say but he doesn’t have time to react as you pull him strongly.

You find a bench on a high level.

“What are you doing? We’re all the way back now.”

“Stop whining and take my hand.” You say after climbing up the bench.

He listens and pulls himself up next to you. From this position, you can see the stage with no hindrance but it’s still quite distant.

The curtains are drawn and a group of toddlers is seen waiting behind. A few of them seem not to have moved away from their assigned position but most are either fooling around or look distressed, seeking their teachers and own parents.

Taehyung and you immediately find Hina, right in the center, standing tall and quiet as she skims the crowd. She slightly frowns when she still can’t see him after a third try until–

“Hina!”

She looks up and gazes further away where she’s heard the sudden call coming from. Her eyes widen at your sight.

You wave energetically ignoring the curious looks you’re drawing to yourself and Taehyung. He is staring as well, surprised. He looks back and feels warmth spreading in his entire being at her happiness.

“You can do this!”

Hina lifts her small arm to wave back, fighting the urge to run to you two.

“Yes, Hina! You can do this! Papa is so proud of you!”

“Thank you dad for your supporting words.” A voice suddenly announces in a microphone and laughter rises in the room making Taehyung turn a bright red while you stifle a chortle.

The voice continues, establishing silence, claiming the beginning of the show as the lights are dimmed.

He remembers to get his phone camera ready before the first notes echo. You never lose sight of Hina.

The children’s voices mingle in a surprisingly good harmony when the first lyrics are heard. You feel your heart thumping loudly in your chest as you listen to them, recognizing the lullaby you used to whisper to Hina so she’d fall asleep back during the trip.

Taehyung falters a quick second when you suddenly clasp your finger around his wrist. Making sure Hina’s still in the frame, he turns his head to look at you, noticing how emotional you’re getting.

***************

Less than an hour later, the show ends to thunderous applause. Taehyung guides you to the side where children come out to join their family. You don't have a chance to think of something to say to each other when you suddenly feel small arms wrapping around your knees in a tight embrace.

You instantly smile at Hina when you see her looking up delighted and crouch down to pick her up.

“Did you miss me?” You feel her nodding against your shoulder while she hugs your neck tight. “I missed you too. So much. You did so well back there. I really loved your singing.”

She leans back to look at you and holds your face to crash kisses all over your cheek under Taehyung’s jubilant gaze.

You put her down but she quickly catches your hand in hers and hugs one of his legs.

He pats the crown of her head and looks up at you. “I’m really glad you made it.”

You share a smile but get interrupted again as a small group of children comes surrounding you three.

“You’we Hina mommy?” asks a little girl, her neat ponytail swinging behind her.

Five pairs of eyes stare up at you in total amazement as small ‘ahhs’ and ‘ohhs’ are heard.

“Hina mommy is so beautiful!” Cheers a little boy, more excited than he should be.

“I’m not-” You begin, a little taken aback, looking for help from Taehyung but he only keeps smiling. He’s taking too much pleasure in seeing you flustered.

“I know.” Hina boasts with closed eyes.

A couple of looks lingers before one of them suddenly suggests playing elsewhere.

You decide to get out of the school when Hina complains about being hungry.

She peeks over his shoulder to ask, “you coming home with daddy and Hina?”

You meet Taehyung’s expectant eyes and your chest squeezes at their seemingly hopeful looks.

“I can’t, I’m sorry. I’ve somewhere to go.”

“I could drive you if you want,” he starts, tilting his head in the direction you guess his car is parked.

“Don’t bother, I-... You remember Shownu? I told him to come get me.”

They pout at the same time and it makes you chuckle lightly at their likeness though Taehyung tries not to look too affected. He’s hesitating and not so sure anymore about what he initially wanted to say.

Hina suddenly turns away from you to frown in his neck.

“What’s that?” He asks when he doesn’t understand her the first time. “You want _____ to come home with us?”

You gaze at the back of her head with a sad smile and meet his gaze in silence.

I’d like that too.

“Seems like I was right, huh,” he snaps you out of your thoughts. “That dress looks really good on you.”

You look down, blushing a little and nod in agreement. Silence falls again between you. You don’t show any intention to go yet as Taehyung gets lost in his thought.

What are you waiting for?

“CanIgetyournumber?”

“What?” You cock your head.

“Your number? So we can see each other. I mean with Hina too.”

You nod, seemingly accepting his suggestion because the reason he mentioned is a self-evident fact. “Sure.”

You exchange your contact information and you eventually walk away much to his dismay. Hina finally decides to look back when you’re already so far away.

She frowns at your silhouette. “Hina sad.”

“Don’t be, baby,” he cups her cheek to kiss her other one. “We’ll see her again.”

**************************

You’re the one texting first and Taehyung’s glad you do when he’s too upset with himself for not finding the courage to do so. You agree to meet one night and make sure either of you doesn’t do anything the following day because Taehyung wants to invite you to his concert he’s currently holding in the biggest stadium of the country for the whole weekend.

When you arrive half an hour before the beginning, you’re taken to a corridor left inaccessible to fans that leads to a platform positioned in front of the stage and in the middle of the pit above the fans gathered around. You notice some curious look thrown your way.

There you get to meet the CEO of the company Taehyung works for along with some of his employees.

The show is a big hit.

You’ve felt it the first seconds after Taehyung was revealed and the audience roared impressively.

It all feels a little overwhelming but seeing him in this new light makes you feel all kinds of way. You recognize the man you’ve worked for but he seems so foreign. The aura coming from him is nothing you’ve seen before yet has you enticed through his moves, his looks, his voice.

The crowd leaves bit by bit. You remember him telling you to wait for him right where your seat was assigned to you, saying your goodbyes to his boss.

The venue is now empty, you go down the stairs and notice Taehyung down the corridor chatting with someone on his way up.

You exchange a smile.

You shorten the space between you, you watch him eye you from head to toe as his thumb grazes his bottom lip. You look away. He stops before he gets a whiff of your fragrance, eyelids heavy. You take his hand when he stretches it to you.

“I took some time cause I was showering.” He explains pulling you to the parking lot.

You climb in his car.

“You okay with eating out? We can always order something and eat at home if you’re too tired.”

He swivels the wheel with one hand, running the car out of the premises and making the powerful engine roar while looking at you. “Don’t worry about me.”

The silence between you is comfortable but the atmosphere feels heavy with secret intentions.

“I really liked the show by the way,” you say softly while keeping your eyes on the scenery passing by.

“Yeah?”

“Hm,” you turn your head towards him with a playful look. “But I still prefer Hina’s singing.”

“I have to admit, she rehearsed that song more than I ever did my whole discography.”

Dinner is nice and quiet. Taehyung isn’t fond of talking while eating and you're thankful, it allows you to enjoy the food and himself in a comfortable way.

*************************

You’re back in the car and driving away after you’ve agreed to go to his home and see Hina.

“I got my diploma. Last week.” You share, “I’m finally able to work as a personal trainer.”

“Really? Congratulations,” he genuinely exclaims while checking the rearview mirror. “That’s awesome.”

“Yeah, but for some reasons I’ve also managed to get a contract with a model agency? I don’t know where this is coming from.”

“Well, they simply saw potential in you. I mean your body is perfect- I-I- I mean you work hard to stay fit so… They’d miss out if they didn’t take you..” He trails, mentally slapping himself.

You simply smile to yourself.

************************

The door unlocks and you both see Hina and the babysitter he got for the night sitting in the living-room. As soon as Hina notices you, she darts your way to crash against your legs.

“________!!”

“You’re still awake?” Wonders Taehyung, looking down not to step on her toes.

You hug and lift her in your arms after getting rid of your shoes. You greet the young girl as Taehyung takes care of paying her. You hear her letting him know she tried everything in her power to get the little girl to bed as you sit down and cover Hina with kisses and sweet words.

The door closes a little after.

“Come here. Brush your teeth, go pee and right to bed.”

“No!” She challenges with a frown at him. “I staying with ________.”

He calls her name with a strict tone making her pout and you can’t help but hug her protectively.

“Let me take care of it,” you suggest softly to him.

You carry out her nighttime routine like you used to, noticing how independent she has become which makes you yearn younger Hina.

You let her lead the march to her room, meeting Taehyung on the way and chuckles when she closes the door to prevent him from interrupting your time together.

“Do you want me to read you a book?” You smile once she settles under her covers.

She shakes her head and reaches for your hand. You understand she wants you to lie next to her. You indulge without a word.

“_______,” her voice is already filled with sleep some time after you’ve started running your fingers through her silky hair. “You staying with Hina foweve’?”

You hum back.

“Daddy likes ______.”

You look down at her, smiling faintly.

“He says it a lot. Hina likes _______ mowe.”

You squeeze her gently against you.

“________?” She’s speaking more slowly now. “Pwomise... mommy staying with Hina... and daddy... foweve’.”

***************

“Sleeping?”

You noticed Taehyung’s already changed in his sleepwear. You nod while closing her door as quietly as possible. “Like a log.”

He stands up before you get the chance to get close to one of the couches and leads the way to his bedroom.

You wait at the doorstep, watching him browsing clothes inside his wardrobe while in the dark. He shuffles towards you, holding what looks like to be a silky pyjamas.

“I think this will do,” he trails. You take it, thanking him. “You can change here. I was going to open a bottle of wine. You want some?”

You shake your head.

Taehyung walks back in his room when you don't come out, holding one glass and minds turning off the lights on his way.

It takes him a couple of seconds to remark your silhouette on the other side of the curtains, standing in the balcony where you’re enjoying the weak, gentle breeze of this summer night.

He draws one curtain and immediately notices you’ve decided to do without the pants which pulls a knowing smile from him. It shouldn't surprise him. The shirt is long enough to work as a mini dress on you.

You look over your shoulder when you hear the door sliding. He’s staring longer than he’s meaning to but you find it adorable.

He comes to stand right by your side and takes a sip, looking for something to say.

“It’s so quiet.”

“You don’t like it.”

“You should put on some music.” You suggest, tilting your chin towards his phone in his pocket.

“What do you want to listen to?”

“I’m sure you got some exclusive sounds, I could brag about. It’s your chance to upgrade your raking.” You smile when you see him grin too as he goes through files. “You’re not working on anything?”

“I actually am. But it’s a secret for now. I’ve made... thirteen songs. But they’re still very rough. I don’t think we should listen to them.”

“Come on, you know I won’t judge you.”

He looks down with an embarrassed smile, frowning a little. “They’re really not good.”

“I’m not pressuring you. It’s just the two of us now.” You say softly, not breaking eye contact. “We can always find something else.”

He can’t hold your gaze long enough without feeling his face heat up. “Okay, I’ll share one or two.”

You look down at the streets when the first notes are heard, knowing he won’t want to meet your eyes.

“So where’s your manager?” You ask to ease his anxiety. You’re too aware of yourself trying not to sound too interested while keeping your gaze on the cars driving by. “I thought I’d see her at the concert.”

“Uh oh, we’re not working together anymore.” You hum in response. He explains,“conflicts of interests.”

You’re now hearing lyrics sung very softly, setting a comfortable atmosphere. “Does that mean…”

“Yeah, I’m basically managing myself.” He chuckles to himself, smiling a little at you. “I think there’s no other way if I want to live life the way I have in mind.”

You agree silently, not really knowing what to say back.

“I think she liked me. Too much.”

“You didn’t?”

“Of course I enjoyed being with her but not exactly for the same reason I think.”

The song is the only thing heard for a couple of seconds but Taehyung doesn’t seem to be minding it anymore.

“Are you and Shownu…?”

You instantly look up at him when you hear him mentioning his name and rephrase his question when he’s not finishing. “Are we a thing?” He nods slowly once. ”No. No, no, no. I mean he’s nice but... He’s not really… my type.”

He looks away, humming a quick acknowledgement. He finishes his glass. “What’s your type?”

You tilt your head away from him, smiling to yourself. His phone plays the second song.

“I wouldn't know how to describe it. I just know when I meet the person, you know?”

“Yeah, I- Me too.”

You hesitate a little before you speak again.

“Apparently,” you wait for him to look at you to show your innocent eyes. “You like me. A lot.”

He smiles but doesn’t flee your gaze, “who told you that?”

“I can’t reveal my source,” you turn your head away, closing your eyes. You open one to see him looking at you, amused. “I can only say it has the figure of a… little snoring cutiekins.”

He shakes his head to himself. “Of course.”

You find yourself staring at his gorgeous-looking profile, admiring the way his perfect hair falls around his face. “So… You like spending time with me?”

“It wasn’t obvious enough?” He gets shy again.

“Honestly, I can’t recall.”

“What?” He asks with surprise. “Are you being serious?”

“I mean, I was working for you. And we weren’t always on our own. Making assumptions about these things would have been wrong on my behalf. Especially with you. I didn’t want to risk my job.”

“I see.”

He looks down at his empty glass then back up at you when he hears you take in a deep breath.

“I also didn’t want to risk never seeing you or Hina ever again.”

You can see something kindle in his dark eyes, rendering you quiet and captivated. He doesn’t seem like he’s moving but you can definitely tell you’re both getting closer and closer.

“And now?” His voice sounds hopeful.

Your eyes gaze up and down, noticing his lips barely agape. “Now?”

You almost freeze when you feel his breath fanning you delicately. You both remain stagnant for a while which seems to last indefinitely, keeping yourselves apart from each other and foreign from what is to come if you were to give in to those tacit, forbidden desires.

Taehyung can feel his heart beating so vividly at the prospect of tasting your lips. You’re right there. Why is he suddenly feeling so bold? Why is he hesitating?

“_____-”

You don’t allow him to finish and choose to be the one to take the plunge.

The kiss is timorous at first, gentle, barely touching, yet ignites, as intimacy settles, a submerging feeling that diffuses into your two beings.

He’s the first to moan, you to grab onto him, each demanding more of that taste you can’t do without now that you’ve quickly come to like it.

You force yourself out of rapture with reluctance, testing the waters and it only draws him back in like a magnet, quietly surrendering to what you started.

His skin is soft against your face but his arms are strong around your back as they secure you against his chest. His scent overwhelms you, almost in a smothering way but it doesn’t feel wrong. It’s simply foreign. You’ve never got to smell so much of him this long, this strongly. You eventually moan in response.

Taehyung pushes his face harder against yours as a result, tilting your heads. He’s euphoric and he can feel it in his stomach, in his heart, in yours the longer he keeps you rooted against his body, sensing them pulsate in unison, frenzied.

You push back, blindly guiding him to one of the two reclining chairs he got settled for whenever good weather presents itself. He lets himself fall down but not too quickly, not if it means he’d have to break apart from you. You can feel him grip the back of your thighs and have your body straddling his.

You notice his mouth reaching again for yours when you eventually pull away for air. He allows you some respite, watching dazed as you rest your forehead against his, smiling to yourself a little.

When you open your eyes, you stare down at your hand beneath which his chest is heaving with desire.

You feel one of his hands reaching for your hip, under his borrowed shirt. Your eyes fall close again and your breath gets caught in your throat once spasms begin taking over your lower region because of the closeness of his touch.

“You okay?” His voice is barely above a whisper and you yearn for more of that intimacy.

You let out a shaky breath you weren’t aware of holding. “It felt good.”

His fingers squeeze you comfortingly. You meet his eyes and your core tightens on its own, hard. It’s dark out here and in spite of that you can see he’s craving you. So badly.

He drags his bottom lip between his teeth, impatiently.

Fuck.

“Kiss me, _______... Please.”

You stare back, fascinated by so much beauty and yearning. Your mouth falls agape and his eyes instantly glance down.

You chuckle lightly, “if someone saw us right now. You’d be in so much trouble.”

“I don’t fucking care.” He replies immediately, grabbing onto the nape of your neck. Your lips remain at a hair breadth from his now.

You never thought your self-control to be that easily challenged, you want to laugh at yourself. Who would’ve thought?

You poke your tongue to lick his bottom lip looking so inviting, leading him to capture your mouth in a deep kiss. You weave your fingers into his smooth locks, tugging them at the first caress of his tongue around yours.

Yes, you instantly think, fuck them all. This is what matters.

Your other hand takes his off your neck to have it latch on one of your breasts. He’s closing it gently around at the touch of it.

You break the sloppy kiss to trail wet pecks along his jaw and beneath his ear. You hastily unbutton the shirt. “Put your hands on me, Tae.”

He slides an arm around the small of your back at the sight of your bare torso for him to feast on and guides your crotch to push down against his.

Your heart suffers another sudden fit of palpitation at the feeling of his arousal pressing promisingly where you need it the most. His mouth is unsparing against your skin, kissing, licking, sucking it until it has you yielding to your own needs.

Taehyung stops and pants icy, hot air where his tongue wetted you at the feeling of your hips rocking with lustful urges.

He leans back on the chair, head thrown back with his eyes closed, relishing the delightful motions of your body.

“Oh… Fuck…” His nails dig in your ass the more you keep easing tension out of his hard shaft.

You tilt forward, closer, never stopping your sensual dance and he feels it. He gazes up at you under heavy lids, admiring the beautiful view of his shirt open on your naked chest, skin still moist with his saliva, nipples pointing enticingly.

He feels lightheaded.

You comb your hair back to allow yourself a view of the splendor that is Taehyung turned on.

You let out a small groan at the unexpected twitch of his cock. By now, you’re sure you’ve made an embarrassing mess of your panties and you’re also certain he can smell it.

You watch him reach for one of your breasts to suck on the sensitive nipple. You frown down at him, moaning as quiet as you can. He cranes his neck to lick his way up yours to your ear.

“You look great in my clothes.” You smile at his whisper.

“I want to see you too.”

He fulfills your wishes quickly, pulling the back of his tee-shirt above his head, serving you the tantalizing image of his muscular arms and shoulders. You bite your lip, sharing a smile and your hips pick up in pace.

You wrap your arms around his neck, cradling his head to your chest, while he hugs you to him tightly, looking into each other’s eyes. You’re both growing desperate.

“I want you so bad,” he can hear the hopelessness in your voice and it has him oozing more in his briefs. He never thought he’d ever hear you say those words to him. However, he hates how it reminds him of his neglect in equipping himself for the occasion. He never planned any of it.

He’s certain he doesn’t want to put an end to your bliss, not when you’re on top of him, ready to give yourself, not never.

Taehyung mouths at your cleavage, listening to the plethora of pleading escaping you the longer you keep rubbing yourselves together and struggles not to give in already.

The fresh breeze is long forgotten now, it feels hot and sweaty against his body but you’ve passed your point of no return. He’s felt your body becoming tense, seeking the peak of pleasure.

You manage to grunt in between gasps. “... Close…”

“Yeah?” He wonders quietly, trying to keep you on your stimulus.

You furrow your brow, seeing him gazing back with so much adoration it catches you unawares, triggering intense pleasure washing over you in waves. He helps muffling you, comforting your shaking body.

The forceful press of his erection overstimulates you in good pain. Your arms are tight around his shoulders, helping you root yourself while the final tremors wear off.

You don’t want to move away. He doesn’t want to let go either.

He reluctantly moves his arms only when he feels you trying to lean back. He breaks into a shy chuckle but you capture his lips in a needing kiss. You’re quickly out of breath.

“You’re shaking,” he trails softly. You weren’t even aware of it, lost again in his mesmerizing looks. “Was it okay?”

You nod subtly, cupping the back of his head to bring your faces closer. “Yeah… You?”

“Don’t worry about it.” You answer his gentle kiss. “Let’s go inside.”

***********************

You wake up alone in the gigantic bed, almost engulfed in the mess of sheets and thick covers. Yes, even in summer they’re of use, if you get to spend a night in his bedroom.

Your mind is fuddled, partly because of the short night you had but it’s also quick to remember flashes of it, having you musing on them with a blushing face.

You sit up and locate his tee-shirt, his borrowed shirt, your panties, his briefs thrown across the floor and your abashed smile comes again.

You’re walking down the corridor and can’t shake away the strangeness of it now that you’re seeing his home in broad daylight many months after, not as his bodyguard but as you. You stop before either Taehyung or Hina can notice your presence and take your time watching them be around each other, the way it was meant this whole time.

Your gaze travels from Hina’s back facing you to him and you mindlessly begin biting your lips, gawking at him working in the kitchen, attending to her needs and just being the best person for her. His messy hair and bare chest are a bonus.

He’s a natural. Your chest tightens at the sight of him and at the thought of it.

A heavy sigh escapes you.

“Mind joining us?”

You get startled by his voice and find them looking at you with big smiles. You shake your head to yourself.

Hina is elated raising her arms in the air from her seat for you to indulge into a tight hug. You don’t forget to kiss her cheek, unable to keep yourself from grinning from ear to ear at her sudden burst.

You sit on the stool across her where a bowl of rice and a full glass of orange juice have been placed. She can’t take her eyes off of you. You mind the frying pan he’s holding as he shakes a fried egg on top of the rice.

“‘Morning you,” he trails in a deep voice. He swiftly steals a kiss and walks away naturally.

You remain stunned a couple of seconds, processing the sudden gesture until you find Hina stifling a titter in her small hands.

#bts scenarios #bts smut #taehyung scenarios #taehyung smut #taehyung fanfic #taehyung fluff #bts imagines #bts fanfic #taehyung x reader #taehyung x oc #bts reactions #bts x oc

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notalwaysthevillian · 3 years

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Brewing Love

Warnings: anti-LGBTQ allusions, kissing, crying

Pairings: Romantic Remile, Romantic LAMP

Word Count: ~1k

Read from the beginning!

Previous Chapter

Chapter 20

Glancing at the clock, Remy groaned. The red numbers stared at him.

1:00 AM

He’d been sleeping just fine for so long, but Emile had gone back to their childhood town to visit some old friends this weekend. They’d been sleeping together, in more ways than one, for so long that it was hard for Remy to sleep without them.

Which meant his insomnia had come back in full force. He had bad nights here and there, but cuddling up to Emile would keep him in bed, and eventually he’d go back to sleep.

But without his little cuddlebug here...he had fallen back into some old, very bad habits.

Like making coffee at 10 PM.

Which was why he was still up. He’d been researching bachelor parties for the last few hours, trying to figure out what to do for Logan’s. He knew his cousin like the back of his hand, but all he currently had was a list of vetos.

Anything at a bar - no

Anything involving sex toys - no

Stripper - absolutely not

There were so many items on the list, he wasn’t sure what to actually do for the party.

However, many of the “no’s” on Logan’s list were becoming “yeses” for his own bachelor party.

Inhaling a deep breath, Remy ran a hand through his hair. He should probably attempt to go back to sleep. Emile was bound to ask about his sleep schedule while they were gone. Despite not being their patient, Emile couldn’t help but slip his psychological knowledge into their everyday life.

And it was truly adorable.

His phone lit up, the screen nearly blinding him in the dark room.

Honey Bunches: If you’re still up, you need to go to sleep.

Before Remy could ask why Emile was awake, the phone lit up again.

Honey Bunches: I’m already asleep. This message was set to send at a certain time.

“Okay, okay.”

Shutting down his computer, Remy shuffled into the bathroom, got ready for bed, and then finally laid down. Chai yawned and stretched as he climbed into the bed, curling up by his feet.

“Thank god I don’t work tomorrow.”

Remy woke up the next morning to Chai complaining in his ear, wanting her breakfast. He flopped over and glanced at his phone.

7:00 AM

Grumbling, he quickly fed her before heading back to bed.

When he woke up the second time, he felt much more refreshed.

“Noon? Shit, I should eat something that’s not coffee.”

Heading out of the bedroom, Remy smelled something cinnamon-y from the kitchen. To his surprise, Emile was pulling cinnamon rolls out of the oven.

“Darling, not that I don’t want to see you, but I thought -“

“I’d rather not talk about it.” Emile interrupted, her voice shaky. “Can we just eat and snuggle?”

“As you wish.”

Drizzling too much icing on their cinnamon rolls, Remy grabbed the plate and took it to the living room, where Emile was making a blanket nest.

“I understand if you truly don’t want to talk about what happened. But I want you to know I’m here if you do. At any point.”

She stopped messing with the blankets, fisting her hands in them instead. Sliding his arms around her, Remy nuzzled into her neck.

“Cuddles first. I - I might be up for talking later. Maybe.”

“Yes Ma’am.”

They settled into their blanket nest, Emile leaning heavily into Remy as they ate their breakfast.

Setting their plates on the coffee table, Remy grabbed the remote and turned on a random episode of Avatar: The Last Airbender.

It happened to be the episode where Aang finds out the air temple had been wiped out.

The sniffles came before the tears. Emile wiped her face once, before deciding it wasn’t worth it. Instead she buried her face into Remy’s chest.

He held her close until she pulled back.

“I’m ready to talk now.”

His hands slid to her back, rubbing soothing circles. “Go ahead.”

“It was fine for a while.” She started, playing with her nails. “My friends and I met up and we were having a great time. They all accept me for who I am, so I wasn’t worried.”

“But one of their partners...she wasn’t very nice about it. She made mean comments under her breath, and no one else heard them. I didn’t want to make a scene so I didn’t say anything.”

“Then Bella, my friend since first grade, heard what she was saying. She was really angry, and they got into a big fight and broke up and it’s all my fault!”

The tears poured down Emile’s face as she buried her face into Remy’s chest again. He tightened his arms around her, lowering his voice to a whisper.

“It sounds like Bella is a good friend. I know you think it’s your fault, but she made her decision. She could’ve chosen to stay with her partner, but she chose to keep you as a friend instead. And I think she’s lovely for that.”

“You think so?”

“Anyone that doesn’t want you in their life is missing out on the most wonderful person on this planet.”

Blinking back her tears, Emile wrapped her arms around Remy’s neck, gently pulling him closer. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

He leaned in, locking their lips together. She pulled back a moment later, a soft smile on her face. “You don’t work today right?”

“Nope.”

The smile brightened further. “Good! So we can either stay here and snuggle on the couch...orrrrr we can move to the bedroom.”

“¿Porque no los dos?”

A giggle rang out from Emile as Remy picked her up and carried her to his bedroom.

#brewing love #romantic remile #remy sanders #emile picani #sanders sides #sanders sides fic

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cdt12345 · 3 years

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Here are some of my rambling thoughts on Shameless 11x09. My only real issue with this episode is the way it ended. For some reason these episodes have been ending awkwardly. I feel like the episode isn't finished yet, but then it ends. Like, what the hell happened to Gemma and Amy? We never saw Kevin find his children! It's like whoever is in charge has never ended a show before and don't know where to stop.

I hate that Mickey was in pain and crying, But I did love that he was allowed to cry and grieve. He had a safe space and safe person he could cry in front of and go through all his crazy range of emotions with.

I loved that Ian gave Mickey the space he needed, brought him coffee, and kept Mickey's perspective of Terry in check. All the while still letting Mickey grieve and helping him through.

The scene with them going through Terry's stuff was a reminder of what Mickey said to Ian in season 7. Ian always had his back more than his family ever did.

Mickey is left to deal with Terry's arrangements and going through his stuff and all the Milkovich's are gone. Where was Sandy, where were the other Milkovich's who were actually living in the house with Terry? They wouldn't even take care of him when he was alive. Not a single one is there to help Mickey. Only Ian!

Ian was there through everything. Ian always has and always will have Mickey's back. I don't know what more proof people need to see how the Milkovich's just aren't close and Ian is the only one who was and will always be there for Mickey. I need no more proof of Ian's love for Mickey. Haven't needed it for a long time.

People wanted Mickey to be close with Sandy when she was introduced last season, but they hardly even interacted. How is it, that people like to point out how Mandy and Mickey weren't close, but actually believed Sandy and Mickey could be close?

I agree Mandy and Mickey aren't as close as we'd like them to be. Especially not as close as she was with Ian. But if Mickey was close to any of his relatives, it would've been Mandy. They grew up in the same house with the same father. Sandy didn't. She may have lived with them from time to time throughout the years, but it was not the same. Not to mention she was never even mentioned before, just like the rest of the Milkovich's that showed up this season.

I didn't expect it, but I thought this would be one of the last chances they had to at least mention Mandy. Maybe saying they talked to her and told her about Terry's death over the phone. Anything! But still not a single mention. Like the writers forgot she existed. Even when Mickey is reminiscing about dodge the dagger, he mentions his brothers. If someone was watching the show from season 7 on, they'd never even know he had a sister.

When Mickey described the nun as "A cold blooded killer in a nun costume. We don't actually know that yet." that made me laugh. Ian stopping him from ranting any further was hilarious!

I loved how @annatrow pointed out that Ian still thought Rachel could've married Terry after he killed her father because Ian would've, had Mickey done the same to Frank. Ian's like that's not a deal breaker for me and Mickey! 😂🤣😂🤣

Omg the knife scene at the funeral home! When that guy was behind them and they get all awkward and Ian tells Mickey to put the knife away! I laughed so hard at that! That was fucking hilarious! These two are so embarrassing, you can't take them anywhere! 🤣🤣🤣

Another time that Ian took charge for Mickey. Like finding Terry a nurse, he was talking to the guy at the funeral home about Terry's wishes and asking what the most affordable package they had. I love that Ian takes charge for Mickey like that, even when it's for Terry and Ian could care less about the man. Ian knows, seen, and has been a victim of Terry's. He even knows about Mandy's rape by Terry. I don't even think Mickey ever found out about Terry raping Mandy. Only Ian, Lip, Mandy, and Terry knew about it. Wonder if that would've changed the way Mickey grieved Terry? The love of Ian's life has suffered so much because of Terry. Ian has every reason to hate this man. It continues to amaze me how he still keeps helping take care of Terry and makes arrangements for him because he knows that's what Mickey wants and needs right now.

THEY SANG AGAIN!!!! I know some people find it odd. But it was a final fuck you to Terry. Ian even said I know what Terry would love. Obviously he was being sarcastic because he knows Terry would hate that. Maybe if it hadn't been right after they just sang in the bathroom, it wouldn't have seemed so odd to people. Maybe if it had been more spread out from the last time they sang. But I do love that it's canon that they sing together pretty often now! They're free and happier than they've ever been before. Who is to say that it's ooc for them now that they can be themselves and their happy for the first time in their lives.

The song Ian picked?! Fucking perfect! It was Mickey's life story in that song! And the fact that Ian picked that song shows how Ian really sees Mickey. As a survivor who has been through so much, tormented by a father who wanted to knock him down, but Mickey persevered. He sees Mickey for who he really is and how much he's gone through in a way that no one ever has or ever will.

Mickey deserves that. He deserves Ian and vice versa really. They deserve each other and in moments like these I'm so freaking happy they have each other for the rest of their lives. When Ian lost his mom, he was alone in his grief and that broke my heart. Not anymore!

Okay, and the whole time they're at the cemetery, I was watching that guy behind them. I was thinking, Ummm are you going to do this with that guy right there?! I'm sure he's gonna notice the fire behind him! 🤣🤣

I didn't notice until a GIF was made about Mickey touching Ian's butt at the cemetery! When re watching, I realized Mickey wasn't holding Ian until the guy yelled at them. I don't know why that made it so much funnier to me, but it really did! The guy yells at them, Mickey grabs Ian's butt in response and then they run off. That's fucking hilarious!!! Love the parallel from them running off after Mickey punched Ned in season 3. Even laughing when they ran away at the cemetery! I wish we could've seen them laughing and running away in this one instead of just hearing them laughing.

When discussing this episode with @luckyshazmrsmonaghansblog we spoke of how everyone seems to be more stupid this season, especially Lip in my opinion. When watching season 8 & 9, I forgot that Lip was supposed to be the genius of the family! I literally forgot! There were easy words that I knew, that he would ask what that meant. And I was like what? How does he, the genius, not know what that means? Even I know what that means! Not to mention remodeling a house he didn't own this season! The writers have really dumbed everyone down. Probably for comedy sake but it's just frustrating.

Other character points:

• Debbie had the nerve to ask Liam if he wanted to ask her what she was doing, after she told him she didn't have time for his shit when he had real concerns about being homeless. She won't listen to him but she expects him to listen to her. Then she tells Lip about Liam's fear! Meaning she knew what was bothering him and she never tried to console him or talk to the others about it.

• I did find it weird that Lip said he and Tami talked about it and wanted Liam to come live with them. I thought when did they have time to have that conversation? Lip didn't even know that Liam was worried about that until Debbie told him. Then I saw a few posts about people even doubting that that conversation even happened and I now feel like that is a real possibility. Lip has spent this whole season lying to Tami and keeping things from her. So, it's not far fetched to think he didn't talk to her about it. If they did, why not talk to Liam about that sooner? Also doubt Tami would be okay with it. Though Liam is just a kid, she never cared for the Gallagher's and only cares when it's her own family that needs something. Like wanting the Gallagher's to chip in on her sisters medical bill. I'm never gonna get over that! I know she was scared but what the hell was that?! You know she wouldn't do the same for the Gallagher's. She's the kind who only cares about her side of the family and not her significant others family.

• I know they're going to sell the house and I would normally be okay with that. But I hate that Lip is making the decision for everyone. He doesn't live in the house, it's not even under his name, Carl paid for the house when they almost lost it, and the rest of the Gallagher's have been paying the bills while he's been out of the house. Lip is not the all mighty one in charge of the house or their lives. He makes me not want them to move out of the house only so he doesn't get his way. Especially after he tells everyone they're not talking about it anymore and he starts tearing down walls to a house his siblings and niece are still living in and when he doesn't even live there anymore. Fucker needs to not get his way every once in a while.

• Vee keeps telling her mom, she's not going to last in Kentucky and she'll be back in a few months. That's a sure fire way to make sure her mom never moves back to Chicago. Could just be me, but when someone says shit like that to me, it makes me want to prove them wrong even more!

• I'm not usually a fan of Frank, but I did like seeing him with Serena. It showed a rare moment of his humanity, hugging her and even putting on his mask before doing so. I thought that was thoughtful of him.

#cameron monaghan #ian gallagher #noel fisher #mickey milkovich #gallavich #ian x mickey #gallavich husbands #husbands #shameless season 11 #shameless us #my rambling thoughts

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freedom-of-writing · 3 years

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Life turned her that way

Just a nice heart to heart between Nicole and Wynonna taking place after the intervention at the beginning of episode 4x10

“Do you want me to stay?”

“No, you have to go.”

Nicole leaves the house with a heavy heart. Today’s her first day back as sheriff. She didn’t think she had it in her to walk in those shoes again. In the past, her uniform had always made her feel strong and in control, but for 18 months all she could feel was alone, and completely lost. Wynonna went into the Garden to save Waverly, and Doc, while she had to go home, alone and broken. Literally broken. And, yes, it’s true, she wasn’t actually alone, Rachel was with her. But half her family was gone. And then Black Badge showed up, Nedley disappeared, and Jeremy went MIA. Little by little, she’d lost everything: her job, her dignity, her hope. Her heart. Waverly Earp was her heart, and she was beginning to fear she’d lost her forever. At last, she was so afraid of losing Rachel as well that she put all her strength into protecting her, to the point that it was consuming her. Growing up she had always been a loner. She was used to being independent, but here in Purgatory she had finally found a team to work and fight with. And yet in that moment, she was all alone against the world. Again. She had nobody to talk to about the darkness inside her, because Rachel was still just a kid, who’d gone through a lot herself, and she didn’t want her to deal with her own shit as well. In the end, she was so blinded by fear and despair that she couldn’t even see it was Nedley she’d been haunting for so long. And she even traded Doc to the Clantons to get Waverly back. She knew he would’ve been able to take care of himself, he always does, but still. If she weren’t so desperate, she would’ve looked for some more options for sure. She’s not the type to betray her friends and family like that. But 18 months is a long time to be alone. And she couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t sleep anymore. She could barely live. The only thing keeping her going was Rachel. That kid was the only reason to get out of bed every morning, and not let herself slip away.

Nicole is about to get into her car to go to the station, when she hears some noises coming from the barn. For a second she tells herself that Wynonna needs time, and she should just leave her alone. But then a voice inside her head makes her change her mind. You might lose her again, and you didn’t even try. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she walks to the barn door, and knocks lightly calling for her friend.

“Wynonna…”

“Get back to your perfect life, Haught!” A voice answers from the inside in a very harsh tone.

Nicole ignores it, and lets herself in. Screw time, she is not going to risk losing her best friend again, not when she can try and save her. Once she’s in, she finds Wynonna sitting on her bed and playing with a bullet in her hands.

“Perfect… if you really think my life is perfect, then you don’t know me at all.”

“What do you want from me, huh?” Wynonna tries to sound annoyed, but the emotion in her voice makes her sound more broken than anything. “I thought me storming out was a clear sign of ‘intervention’s over’.”

“Wynonna, we’re just worried about you...”

“Well, you can stop worrying now because I’m fine.” The small crack in her voice made her sound all but convincing.

“Sure you are…” Nicole says with a scoff as she moves to sit on the bed next to Wynonna.

“Can you just leave, please?” Wynonna begs in the smallest of voices as tears come streaming down her face.

Nicole looks at her for a moment, and then she turns to stare at somewhere in front of her. She takes a deep breath, gathering the strength to say what she’s about to say. It’s a secret she’s been keeping from everybody, even Waverly. But maybe talking about it could help both her and Wynonna. Ignoring her friend’s request, she starts speaking.

“I wake up every day in the middle of the night and have to check on Waverly and Rachel to see if they’re still with me. I even check on you most nights.” She pauses a second, waiting for Wynonna’s reaction. She expected her to say something mean, or to tell her to leave again, but she doesn’t. She doesn’t need to turn towards her to see that her words have gotten Wynonna’s attention, and she’s now looking at her. Taking that as an invitation to continue, she takes a deep breath and she resumes her tale. “One night it was 4am and you weren’t in your bed… I panicked so bad I couldn’t breathe. Then I looked better and saw you were passed out on the floor in a corner of the barn. I didn’t want to wake you, so I got the blanket from your bed to cover you up, and then, I put the pillow under your head. The truth is, you were so out of it, I don’t think a bomb could’ve waken you. But my heart was racing so bad, my hands were shaking, and it was still hard for me to breathe. So I left you there on the floor, and went back to sleep. Well, to bed. I forced myself to stay awake. I just didn’t want to see it again.” Nicole’s voice is so small and broken when she says that last part.

Wynonna doesn’t need to see the look in her eyes to know Nicole’s lost somewhere in her mind. And by the sound of her voice, it must be a really dark place that she’s in. All of a sudden, a rush of worry hits her, because she’s never seen Nicole like this. Not even when she was vomiting frogs all over the place.

“How bad is Nicole?”

“She was alone for a really long time.”

As she recalls Rachel’s words, her attention moves from Nicole’s face down to her hand on her thigh. It’s curled up in a fist, and her nails are digging hard into the flesh of her palm. As gently as she can, Wynonna slips her hand under her friend’s forcing her own fingers into the fist. She waits for Nicole to let go of the tight grip, and when she does she clasps her hand giving it a reassuring squeeze. She would like to say something to bring her friend back to reality, but she doesn’t know what to say. She has absolutely no idea what is happening inside her head, or what she meant when she said she didn’t want to see it again. But at least the touch seems to have worked because she can feel Nicole squeezing back lightly. Wynonna doesn’t push her to continue, she just waits for her to be ready to speak again. At last, with a deep breath, Nicole goes on with her story.

“I have the same nightmare every night... I’m at the homestead, it’s morning and I’m making breakfast. I go upstairs to wake Rachel up, but she’s not in her room. So I start calling out for her, but I get no answer. I start panicking as I look for her in every room of the house. But I can’t find her anywhere. She’s not there. It’s just me. I’m alone. By then, I can hardly breathe, but I still take the shotgun and start looking for her outside. I don’t know where I’m going. My eyes are blurred with tears, and my lungs are burning, but I keep running, and calling... And then suddenly I’m on Dolls’s grave. I take a step back in confusion, and I see there are other tombstones next to his. I start reading the names: you, Doc, Jeremy, Nedley... I’m afraid to look but there’s two more. Rachel... and Waverly. Then a voice comes out of nowhere: They’re all dead because you were too weak to even try to save them. They trusted you, and you did nothing to protect them. You deserve to be alone. You were never worthy of their love. I turn to see where it’s coming from, but... all I see are the ghosts of the people I love. But when I take a step towards you, you all disappear. All but Waverly. She stands there, looking at me with tears in her eyes. Why? I thought you loved me... So why didn’t you fight? She asks, and then she’s gone too.” Nicole becomes suddenly aware of the wetness on her cheeks.

“Nicole...” Wynonna tries to call her back to reality. She can hear her ragged breathing as she’s struggling to get air into her lungs. She’s never seen Nicole so broken before, and it is scaring her. She doesn’t know what to do, how to help, she’s usually the broken one.

“You’re all dead because of me...” Nicole’s voice is barely above a whisper, but Wynonna hears it loud and clear, and those words break her heart.

That’s it. She has to bring her back. She can’t take seeing her best friend like this anymore. Without letting go of Nicole’s hand, she falls onto her knees in front of her. Then she brings her free hand up to her chin to tilt her head up gently.

“Nicole, hey, look at me.” Nothing.

“Haught!” She screams this time, and at last, Nicole snaps out of it. “We’re not dead. Do you hear me? No one. Is dead.” She says staring straight into Nicole’s eyes, which are completely welled up in tears.

As gently as she can, she brushes her thumb onto her cheeks to wipe away the tears that keep streaming down her face. She can feel the tears forming in her eyes as well, but she doesn’t let them fall. She can’t cry now. Nicole needs her to be strong.

“We’re here.” Wynonna says grabbing both of Nicole’s hands and giving them a squeeze. She hopes the touch will further prove her words. “I’m here.”

She takes a sigh of relief when she sees Nicole’s eyes starting to focus on hers. She’s back.

“You can breathe now.”

And with that, Nicole slumps forward into Wynonna’s arms, sobbing hard in the crook of her neck. Everything she’s been holding back in the past 18 months, the pain, the loss, the fear, the despair... all that she’s been hiding from both Waverly and Rachel has finally come to the surface. And it’s the strangest feeling ever, because for the first time in so long, she can actually breathe again, even if the sobs are wrecking and chocking her.

“I’m here. We’re all here.” Wynonna says over and over in her ear in an attempt to calm her down.

And it is in that moment, as she holds a broken Nicole in her arms, that Wynonna makes a promise to herself and to her friends: no matter how hard it is, she will overcome this darkness inside her and she will start to take care of herself, because her family is worth staying for.

“We’re gonna be okay. I promise.”

#Wynonna Earp #nicole haught #wynhaught #wynaught #fan fiction #fanfic #angst #4x10

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sunflowers-insherwood · 3 years

Text

Allan A Dale Analysis - 2x06

Investigating Allan A Dale’s Character Through For England...!

2x06 of BBC Robin Hood arguably presents some of the most dynamic character relationships and power plays of the entire series, and it was for this reason I came away from rewatching it a few nights ago and instantly began to scribble notes. Originally I aimed to write about the wider relationships within the episode – Guy and Marian’s as well as Guy and the Sheriff’s are particularly interesting here – but alas, I just couldn’t stop myself from writing about my favourite character Allan A Dale, who also goes through one of the climaxes of his general progression and betrayal arc in this episode. As a fan favourite, Allan is often seen throughout the fandom as the victim of a series of worsening situations, and while this is a credible interpretation, it often forgets to acknowledge Allan’s agency and his decisions to go ahead with actions that slow the greater good. Although I agree that Allan’s betrayal and further descent is largely worsened by the actions of those around him, in this essay I hope to restore his accountability and show how he initiates several violent acts, all while victimising himself by placing the blame on others. I will walk through the episode chronologically, analysing his motives, actions, and their consequences, trying to establish a fair view of Allan’s reasoning in this episode, as I examine not just his actions, but the decisions he made in order to complete them. (Wordcount: 3.2k)

This can be read alone, but works best when read after my 2x05 confrontation analysis.

This episode is the first time we see Allan operating fully outside of the gang he’s been a part of for the rest of the series. At the end of 2x05, Robin finds out Allan is the spy who has been working for Gisborne, and they truly clash for the first time. In 2x06, his first scene occurs right at the beginning, as we see Allan trek back into the forest with the hood of his cloak up to avoid being seen by the gang, in order to gather the money from his stash. However, he arrives only to find the gang have found his money, as they proceed to yell at him for being a traitor and keep his stash. The gang’s pain here is understandable; Allan hasn’t been able to explain that the catalyst for his betrayal was physical and emotional torture, (he told Robin but Robin dismissed this and likely hasn’t told the gang) so they think he was more willing to work for Gisborne than he actually was. The pain of the wound is fresh, him having been told to leave by Robin what can only be assumed to be a day or so before. To them, they are taking his ‘blood money’ to help the poor. However, Allan now has very little to survive on. He essentially only has the clothes on his back, as he can’t go back to camp to collect his belongings, and so only has what he left with. His worse possible situation has become his reality overnight: he has gone from having both friends and money to neither. I imagine when the reality of his spying first hit him, he calmed himself from the worry of being thrown out of the gang with the promise of money; he’d have no friends but a means to survive (which is what he wanted the money for in the first place, he wanted financial security), yet now he has neither. However, he still repeatedly tries to reach out to the rest of the gang, saying he never wanted this to happen, but is interrupted by the black knight carriage that drives between them and he runs away, likely to avoid being caught by the Sheriff’s men but also to re-evaluate his situation, as he’s now probably feeling especially vulnerable. In his eyes, this is another situation where Robin or the gang could have given him a second chance but haven’t. (Sidenote, he and the gang are literally divided by the Sheriff’s men, if that ain’t symbolism I don’t know what is).

So now, feeling completely abandoned by the rest of the gang, who have not just been passive in their dislike but have actively taken his only money, he goes to the only person he has left – Guy. Yes, he could’ve left Nottingham and begun a new life, but this would have been extremely difficult, especially keeping in mind that Robin saved Allan from losing a hand when he was poaching to survive after his brother stole everything from him in a similar situation before. Basically, surviving alone is hard, and he knows this, so his quickest and easiest option is to go to the one contact he has who won’t reject him instantly, which is Guy. By the end of the episode, I argue that Allan has more spiteful motivations, but I believe he initially goes to Guy out of necessity, rather than as an act of vengeance against the gang by siding with the enemy.

And luckily for him, Guy agrees to take him on! Some more stuff happens but as I can’t remember it, I’m not going to deem it that important. The next time we properly see him is when he walks into the wrong place at the wrong time, and the Sheriff instantly calls for him to be hanged. We see him arrested, although never in the cells, however you can just imagine the anguish he’s going through there. I always view Allan as at least partially traumatised from his almost-hanging in 1x01, and now he’s been told he’s going to be hung again and is left to wait in a cell, knowing how painful a death it’s going to be, and without any hope of rescue. So now, on top of his exhaustion from sleeping rough for a night or two, having to completely adapt to a new environment and knowing his friends all hate and reject him without him being able to explain his actions, he’s also grappling with imminent death through his worst fear – he’s having what could be described as a really, really terrible time. Even Guy tells the guards to ‘take him away’, so he is essentially abandoned by everyone he knows. He is completely cornered with no way out.

Let’s expand our view for a minute and just think about Allan as a person. I love a good personality test, and my personal favourite is the Enneagram. The Enneagram categorises personalities into nine types, with a person’s basic desire and basic fear at the crux of this designation. I believe Allan to be a Type 7 with a 6 wing (7w6), which essentially means his biggest fears are of being deprived and in pain, and of being without security. If we go back to the episode, taking into account everything he’s just had to consider – a painful and imminent death, the loss of his friends, and loss of a shelter and money – and place that in the context of his worst fears – being deprived, in pain, without security - we see a man who has every single worst fear come true in the space of around 24 hours. And then, what if on top of this, we place him on a flimsy wooden plank on top of a vat of boiling liquid, pitted against the man who personifies why his life is now awful: we see a man who has lost everything, who is completely cornered, who has nowhere else to run, but an instinctual desire to survive. (Allan’s ideas of right and wrong aren’t as strong as the rest of the gang’s, and his desire to survive places these even further back on the priority list.)

Now, this doesn’t excuse what he does when he’s fighting Robin over that pit of boiling oil, but it does give an outline of just how emotionally wrecked he’s feeling. In that moment, it’s him versus Robin, him versus the man who is the reason why his life has gone to shit. I’m not saying that everything is Robin’s fault – while the inability of the others, especially Robin, to listen to Allan’s side of the story definitely accentuates his problems, he is still to blame for willingly feeding Guy information and the consequences of that – but to Allan, it is easier to blame everyone other than himself. In his head at this moment, he is the complete victim, as especially in the early moments of processing what is happening, it is easier to be angry at others rather than accept any of his own responsibility for what’s happening. So he’s angry at everyone in lieu of being angry at himself, and hence he takes the initial swing, initiating the fight despite Robin trying to stop him. (It was these moments in the fight which prompted me to write this essay, to investigate his reasoning, because before I viewed him as pretty much a complete victim, but here is an explicit example of how that is not true). Both Robin and Allan are being prodded by the guards to force them to fight, however, so I’m unsure how quickly he would take the first swing without their insistence.

They begin to fight, and I can’t remember all the ins and outs of their conversation as they fight but it’s mainly:

Allan: You should’ve given me a second chance.

Robin: When did you become so low?

Allan: When you started thinking you were better than everyone else.

Robin: Not better than everyone else, just you. Allan is now furious, as in his view, Robin has just completely backed him into a corner by forcing him out of the gang and taking his money, and is now lecturing him on morals, because Allan tried to find a way to survive despite this. (A difference in their priorities: Allan’s to survive, Robin’s to be good. Robin would rather die knowing he stayed true to his morals, but Allan would rather live). But the moment that is most interesting is when Robin is distracted, and Allan decides, completely of his own volition, to go for Robin with what should be a killing blow (Robin manages to twist out of the way last minute). But for all intents and purposes, Allan directly tries to kill Robin. He isn’t prompted by the guard’s stabbing at him, at the very least this isn’t shown, and he has the time while Robin is staring at Marian to properly consider what he’s about to do too. On screen, there is a wide shot of him getting ready to swing, which lasts long enough to see the action was, to some extent, mediated. This is the moment where you could lose faith in Allan as a good person, because he just tried to kill Robin in cold blood. There was no individual catalyst or bad influence (apart from the boiling vat of oil) like when he was previously pressured into betraying the gang, it’s entirely of his decision. Let’s break down the motives behind this action. He’s in the midst of the angriest he ever gets at the Robin and the gang, full of bitterness about his position, as well as in the heat of a life or death situation with the philosophy of ‘I’ve got nowhere else to go.’ In his eyes, he can either die right now, or live to survive another day and even gain the respect of Guy and the Sheriff, possibly guaranteeing him further work. That’s the first possible reasoning – he sees this more as a business opportunity to prove his loyalty to someone else and stay alive. The other reasoning, of which his motive could be a mix of both or just one (I think it’s a mix), is that he’s genuinely so hurt and furious at Robin that in that moment he does just want to kill him. However, if he was motivated by such an emotion, it has to be interpreted as more of a spur of the moment decision as killing Robin would essentially completely seal his fate of never being able to get back together with the rest of the gang (which does become one of his largest desires by the end of season 2, so taking that into consideration, the moment he goes for Robin he’s likely not thinking of the consequences).

These moments as he’s fighting are so interesting to me, as so much of the time Allan is painted as a victim – which I realise I am kind of doing now – but it’s important to note just how much stuff he does of his own volition. I see these explanations as not excuses for his actions, but reasons, because he does decide to try to kill Robin, just as much as he decides to continue selling information to Guy after being tortured into agreeing. At the very least, he was completely out of rope, so it shows just how far he’s willing to go to protect himself when so much (or arguably so little) is on the line.

Straight after the moments where we see him at his most vicious and vengeful, however, he’s able to jump down from immediate danger, and while the wider fight between the merry men and the guards are happening, he sees John and instantly tries to reach out, saying a genuine thank you for helping save him. Despite being completely willing to kill Robin, he is easily able to thank and attempt to reconcile with John. This might be part of an ‘eye for an eye’ philosophy, as Robin pushed him away from the gang multiple times, but John has done nothing to directly hurt him. The only person Allan has anything against is Robin, the gang are collateral damage in this conflict between the two of them, and it just so happened to be Robin forced to fight him. It would be interesting to see his reaction to having to fight any other member of the gang, as I think he would act very differently – much more defensive than offensive. It also could be because Robin is the person Allan envies the most even when they are friends. He makes a dig of this nature at Robin when talking to him after he’s revealed as the spy in 2x05 (if you can’t defend yourself, attack, could be the ideology he’s using there), likely due to the Ron-Weasley-style insecurity of ‘you’re always in the sun and I’m always in the shade’. This is the same insecurity that Guy preys on when torturing him to convince him to sell him information, and it gets through to Allan, so it obviously runs deep. Robin is the person he has the most internal and external conflict with. When talking to John, it isn’t instant life or death, so he is calmer, and the only reason Allan even came close to killing Robin was due to the fact they were both captured and made to fight. If this hadn’t happened, I imagine Allan would’ve just stayed out the gang’s way until he found a way to get back to them. So he tries to reconnect with John, as he is a friend whom he holds nothing against, to show his gratitude and perhaps find some sympathy or allyship in the gang. All he gets is a punch in the face, though, which is kinda sad. However, this is, when considering John’s vantage point of the situation – Allan just betrayed the gang and tried to kill Robin – completely fair.

After the fight is over, the rest of the gang have made a safe getaway and Guy and the Sheriff are arguing over what to do next. The camera cuts to Allan nursing his bruised jaw from where John punched him, looking not only physically hurt, but pretty emotionally ruined too. When Guy orders him to move, he moves so slowly that it’s definitely more than just pain, but also exhaustion and him processing the full extent of what he just did and what happened to him. He tried to kill Robin, he tried to reach out to John and got rejected, and now he’s going to have to work for Guy for the foreseeable future. He now knows what the gang think of him for joining Gisborne: they see it as a direct attack against them, rather than him trying to survive. He’s dealing with the worst parts of himself while having to accept that he’s truly hated by the rest of the lads, and not just Robin. The fight was the climax of his bitterness and anger, but I think from this moment, we see him begin to realise he wasn’t the victim, and regret and grieve his actions. Although he does go along with the Sheriff’s orders while at the castle, he is subdued about it, replying to Marian’s demands for an explanation for his worse actions with a quiet helplessness as he just ‘knows what side [his] bread is buttered on’ (2x12). He doesn’t like what he’s doing, shown by his multiple attempts to help the lads while at the castle, but he knows he must do it to survive. His instincts of self-preservation are too strong, and I think this leads to his main internal conflict and possible self-hatred, as he battles between doing what he can to live, and doing what is right. He has a lot of time for self-reflection at the castle, as he comes to term with what he has done, is doing, and must do in the future.

We don’t see anything else from Allan in this episode, but most notably, the camp dynamic is completely thrown after the fight – Much struggles with the silence as the eat at the end of the day, and as a team of five they are generally less mobile. They are able to fight well still, but in 2x06 after Robin writes his letter to Marian and says goodbye to them, about to sacrifice himself, they take a long time to read his letter and realise what he’s about to do. I think that, had Allan been there, he would’ve been able to read Robin better and prompted the others to read his letter more quickly. Here, his looser moral code and intuition would’ve proved highly helpful to the gang. On top of his, in his absence, Much gets even more of the bullying, as he worries more and the others increasingly tell him to ‘shut up’, leading to Much’s outburst in 2x12 which is only resolved by Allan coming back. Interesting, despite expecting Much to be the one to hold a grudge, he’s the first to welcome Allan back into the gang as they fight together, showing that he missed Allan’s presence much more than he let on, and felt the gang’s dynamic shift because of it. Much acts as the emotional compass for the gang, so to see him be so thrown by Allan’s leaving portrays how unstuck the others also feel.

All in all, Allan’s actions in 2x06 stem directly from his confrontation with Robin in 2x05, building on the insecurities and bitterness which Robin failed to acknowledge and address, instead diminishing his experience and taking away all options, until Allan’s only course was to leave the gang and join Guy – not yet in vengeance, but in the name of self-preservation. This backfires as he is almost hung by the Sheriff, left alone to face the threat of his worst fear. His fight with Robin later in the episode shows his anger and frustration come to a head, to the point where he, for a moment, intends to kill Robin. Allan’s inability to take any blame upon himself forces him to direct his anger onto others. Luckily for him, this passes quickly, and he tries to reconnect with other members of the gang but fails to do so. He is then forced to resign himself to working for Guy at the castle, on a side he ever intended to permanently be on. He is very much at fault for his actions, but the decisions made by Robin and Robin’s influence on other members of the gang (by not letting Allan tell them his side of the story) worsen his situation to lead to his permanent working for Gisborne. His actions at times seem spiteful, at others desperate, and the impact other people have on him directly motivate many of his decisions – but at his worst, he has the full agency to make terrible decisions of his own accord.

Thanks so much for reading if you made it this far, I hope you enjoyed my take! I’ve loved writing this duo pf essays of character exploration, they’ve truly helped me to understand Allan’s reasoning further. If you’ve anything to add, please don’t hesitate to! Your response to my 2x05 analysis was so kind and I’m genuinely honoured to be part of such a wonderful fandom.

#allan a dale #robin hood #bbc robin hood #character analysis #robin of locksley #for england #allan a dale analysis

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hoboal87 · 4 years

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Elastic Heart Chapter Fourteen

Title : Elastic Heart - Trials

Characters : Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester, Castiel, Crowley, (background Y/N and Cordelia Y/L/N)

Pairing(s) : Sam x Reader

Summary : Sam and Dean work to complete the final Hell Trial.

Word Count : 6.4k

Warnings : cursing, show-level violence, angst, self-loathing, suicidal ideation, cliff-hanger ending

A/N : Series is mostly canon compliant, taking place during season 8/9. For the purposes of this fic Sam was born in '84 instead of '83.

A/N 2 : This chapter uses dialogue from episode 8x23 "Sacrifice"

beta'd by @deanwinchesterswitch

Elastic Heart Masterlist

Read Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen - Trials

Sam’s POV

Two days later, we meet Crowley in a junkyard; it takes every ounce of my willpower not to beat him to a pulp. I wanted to leave hex bags in Y/N’s apartment, but Dean insisted the anti-possession charms would be enough. We should’ve known that she wasn’t going to be safe, but when Crowley started going after people we saved, Cas had convinced us that Jody was next.

“It’s simple, really,” Crowley says, gesturing to the contract. “You stop the Trials and hand over the Demon tablet. I’ll leave your precious Y/N and Cordelia alone, and you’ll have the Angel tablet.” Dean takes a step closer, grabbing the scroll. “Oh, no, Squirrel, Moose is the one doing the trials; he’s the one who’s going to sign.”

“Not until I read the fine print,” Dean snaps back.

“I’ll sign it,” I mumble as I take a step closer, grabbing the long scroll.

“You wanted me here; I’m here.”

“What’s this, boys? Lovers quarrel?”

“Shut it, Crowley,” Dean barks. “I’m not gonna let him screw us over again.”

“That hurts, Squirrel,” he mocks us. “Now, if you're satisfied with the terms of the contract, let’s have the big galoot sign it, shall we?”

Dean is only inches away from Crowley, and as soon as he thinks I’ve started to sign, the click of the handcuffs wipes the smirk off of Crowley’s face.

“What in the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“Demonic handcuffs, jackass,” Dean gestures down the handcuffs. “These are going to keep you from smoking out, flicking out, teleporting. Oh, and no deal. Basically,” Dean’s fist connects to Crowley’s jaw, “you’re our bitch.”

“Fine,” Crowley throws his own punch, and I can see a faint smile on Dean’s face. “You’ve saddled yourself to the wrong bull, mate.”

“I can go all day, you know why? ‘Cause damn it feels good. Get used to it, douche, cause your demon ass is about to become a mortal ass.”

“What’s he on about?” Crowley’s eyes dart to me, a look of confusion and panic as I take pleasure in telling him what’s about to come.

“It’s you, Crowley. You’re the third Trial.”

Kevin is pacing in the library when we return to the bunker, Crowley blindfolded and gagged. Dean walks him down to 7B, and Kevin is nearly having a panic attack when his eyes land on Crowley.

“What is he doing here?” Kevin screams, “Why? Why did you bring him back?”

“Kevin, listen. Until we can figure out how to cure him, we need to keep him here. We can’t let him go.” I can see the tears brimming in his eyes. “The faster we can figure out the cure, the faster we can make him pay for all the evil shit he's done.”

Kevin and I have our noses buried in books when Dean returns from the dungeon. I can still hear Y/N/N’s voice in my head, screaming out for help, Crowley’s words torturing both of us. Every choice you made drove you further away from Y/N.

“Have you heard from Cas?” Dean asks as he sits down with three beers in his hands.

I pull out my phone, hoping that Y/N/N will return my calls, she’s shutting me out, and I can’t blame her. I should’ve shown her how to protect herself and Corie. All the symbols she needed were on the sheet of paper that Corie had drawn on the day she left the hospital. Any one of those could have protected her from Crowley’s attack. Would she ever forgive me for putting her in that situation, one that could have so easily been prevented? Crowley was going to pay for everything he’d ever done.

“Sam,” Dean’s voice pulls me out of my thoughts, and when I look up, I can see a questioning look etched on his face. “Cas?”

“Uh, no,” I mumble as I put my phone back into my pocket. We needed to find a cure and quick; it was the only way to get back to Y/N/N and Corie.

Hours later, Kevin and I are surrounded by a mountain of books, pouring through the lore looking for anything that may tell us how to cure a demon. Dean’s asleep on the table, softly snoring when Cas enters the bunker. It’s been over a week since we’d seen him, stationing him with Jody after Crowley killed Sarah, Cas insisting that Naomi and the other angels were watching over Y/N/N and Corie.

Dean jolts awake when Kevin drops another large set of books on the library table, grumbling about ‘first decent sleep in days,’ as he makes his way out of the library. I give Cas a tight-lipped smile, and he nods; there is something off about him. Usually, I can’t read his face, but today, he seems to be hiding something. Dean meets Cas in the war room, and I can hear hushed whispering between them. I run my hands through my hair as I pull another book in front of me, but I can’t focus on the text, every line bleeding into the next. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Dean’s body stiffen; that can’t be good. I leave Kevin, instructing him to keep searching as I join Dean and Cas.

“What do you mean, ‘she’s done,’ what the hell is that supposed to mean, Cas?” Dean’s fingers are pinched at the bridge of his nose as Cas stands in front of him.

“Y/N feels that she and Cordelia’s safety was put in jeopardy and that we allowed Crowley to attack her in her home.”

“You told her we didn’t know, right?” Dean huffs. “That we wouldn’t’ve let Crowley come anywhere near them if we thought–”

“I told her that we were assured that she was safe. Y/N didn’t care for my answer. I don’t know how Crowley tracked her down.”

“‘Tracked her down?’ Cas, are you saying that Y/N and Corie left Weldon?” I thought Crowley was fucking with me. Y/N wouldn’t have moved without telling us; she promised not to run away.

“I gave Y/N my word that I would not-”

“Cas, if they left Weldon, we need to know. If they’re gone, then that means that they don’t have any type of protection,” I argue. I knew we should have done something more than leaving them the necklaces. “We can’t protect them if we don’t know where they are.”

“Y/N and Cordelia have left Weldon.”

“Fuck, Cas!” I want to hit something, someone. “You weren’t even going to tell us, were you?”

“Sammy-”

“No, tell me. You were going to let Y/N and Corie just drop off the face of the earth and not say anything?” My head is spinning. She’d made good on her threat; she took Corie and ran. “Why?”

“I do not believe Y/N's intent was to hide,” Cas says cautiously. “If Sam had kept in contact-”

“Are you saying that this is my fault?” I roll my shoulders, standing up to my full height. “Crowley’s attack is on me?”

“I am merely suggesting-”

“Y/N wanted space,” Dean clenches his jaw, “so we gave her some fuckin’ space. You had one job, Cas, and that was to keep an eye on her and make sure that she and Cordy were safe.”

“I was watching her, Dean,” Cas sighs. “Ever since the accident-”

“Cas,” Dean snaps. “If you were protecting her like we’d ask you to, then we could’ve stopped Crowley from ever walking into her house, but you insisted that no demon knew about either of them.”

“I have it on good authority that Crowley wasn’t made aware of Cordelia’s existence until recently.” Cas shifts his body towards me. “From best we can tell, he had a spy in that hospital. You don’t think that every demon under Crowley’s command doesn’t know who you are the second they lay eyes on you? Anyone working for him could have connected the dots.”

“So, it is my fault,” I murmur, moving backward before the back of my legs hit the map table, and I slump back against it. “All this, it’s my fault.”

“Sammy, you can’t think like that,” Dean rubs his hand down his face before turning his attention to Cas, his frustration with him becoming more apparent. “What if another demon tries to go after them, Cas? What’ll Y/N do then?”

“I warded her home against everything. She’s safe now.”

“How’s Y/N/N?” I don’t know why it takes me so long to ask such an obvious question, how it wasn’t the first thing out of my mouth when Cas walked through the door. My eyes lock on my hands, picking at a nail, unable to focus on anything else. “Is she okay? What about Corie?”

“Cordelia was not in the house. I offered to heal Y/N, but she refused to let me. She was upset when I left her.”

“What did Crowley do to her?”

“The psychological damage inflicted on her is more my concern,” Cas explains.

Crowley had tortured us all with his words. He twisted everything that had happened over the last ten years, things I hadn’t had the chance to tell her about. I would’ve told her about it all eventually, explained why I didn’t try to come back sooner. I wanted to, desperately, but I felt undeserving of her love. Y/N/N was one of the few good things that I had in my life, and I couldn’t let my uncleanliness taint her innocence. When Kevin first deciphered the Trials, and I accidentally completed the first one, Y/N/N became my light at the end of the tunnel. She and Corie deserve a life of peace. I have to do whatever I can to make the world a safer place for them. Once I finished the trials, I would’ve told her everything, hoping that she would be able to forgive me.

“I wouldn’t have allowed any true harm to come to either of them, Sam.” Cas closes the space between us and rests his hand on my shoulder. “As soon as I was sure Jody was safe, I went to Y/N; she prayed many times.”

“She prayed to you?” I turn slightly to face Cas, unsure if I’m hearing him correctly. I had told both Y/N/N and Corie to call on him if they ever needed anything. When Crowley was with her, I kept hoping that I would hear Cas intervening at some point. When I didn’t, I figured that Y/N/N had forgotten my words, but if she prayed, why didn’t he stop it? “Y/N/N, she prayed, and you still didn’t do anything?” Cas’ eyes dart between Dean and me, and I feel as though I’m about to explode with rage. “You told us that if either one of them prayed, you would go to them. That was your job, Cas, not wait around to see what would happen!”

“If I intervened sooner-” I can’t listen to anything else Cas has to say; I move away from the table and am headed towards 7B before I even realize it.

Crowley is cuffed and chained down in the middle of the devil’s trap; a smug smile creeps over his face when I lock the door behind me.

“I was hoping you’d join me, Moose,” he taunts. “What? No Squirrel? Oh, this will be fun.”

I close the distance in just a few steps, my fist connecting with Crowley’s jaw. He laughs dryly as I pull back and throw another punch, this time to his stomach. I need to do something that’ll make him hurt, make him pay for everything he’s done. Crowley doesn’t flinch, letting me hit him over and over again. I can hear pounding on the door as I swing again, Dean’s voice calling out, but I can’t stop, I won’t stop.

My knuckles are bloody and raw when I feel arms wrap around me, pulling me away from Crowley. I struggle against the powerful grip as Cas drags me back like I am a small child. Dean appears in front of me, yelling at me to calm down, but his voice is a distant echo, as my focus is still on Crowley.

I relax for a moment, and Cas loosens his grip, and I shove him off me. Dean tries to stop me, but I knock him to the floor. A glint of silver catches my eye, and before I can even process a thought, I snatch the weapon from the table. Crowley chuckles as I press the edge of the angel blade against his throat.

“You threaten my daughter? The mother of my daughter? And what? You’re going to sit here and laugh about it?” I growl, slowly raking the blade across his neck, watching as blood seeps out.

“Oh, you have no idea,” Crowley’s lips curl into a grin. “She was ready to do anything to get me to leave her and the little one alone, anything, Moose.”

“Don’t listen to him, Sam,” Dean grunts from behind me.

“And she would’ve done it. She put on a brave face, but she was willing, Sam. She knew you weren’t going to save her. Just another person you’ve let down, eh Sasquatch?”

“Shut up; you’re lying.” I tower over him, putting more pressure on the knife.

“I guess we’ll never know, will we, Samantha? Shall I tell you the things I plan to do to little Cordelia?”

“Sam,” Dean grabs my arm firmly, “he wants you angry; he doesn’t want you to complete the Trial,” he rationalizes. “You kill him now, and everything we’ve been working for the last few months goes down the drain. We’ve come too far to stop now.”

“He deserves to die,” I grunt as Dean pulls me away from Crowley. “For everything, not just Y/N/N and Corie. All the shit he’s done since we’ve known him, Purgatory, Leviathans, Tommy, Sarah, Samuel, holding Bobby’s soul in Hell. He should pay for it. For all of it.”

“He will, Sam. When we’re done, he’ll no longer be the King of Hell; he’ll be a regular person. But you have to finish this last Trial, Sammy. That’s how we make him pay.”

“What do we do?”

It takes several long days of research, but we finally learn how to complete the third trial. Dean, Kevin, and I are stunned into silence as we listen to the recording of Father Thompson and Peter Kent, a man possessed who then killed his children. One dose of purified blood every eight hours, followed by the final exorcism, Peter Kent was no longer a demon; he was human again. I read through Father Thompson’s notes. We could do this; all we need is the consecrated ground.

We find an abandoned church less than an hour away from the Bunker. It’s in the middle of nowhere; it’s the perfect place to complete the Trial. Crowley stays locked inside the trunk of the Impala as we prepare the church. Dean makes a large Devil’s Trap while I read over the Enochian text, committing it to memory. Once we are both satisfied that the church has enough warding, Dean marches Crowley in, tying him tightly in a chair in the center of the room.

Crowley begins to taunt me again, and I leave the church under the guise of gathering supplies out of the Impala.

“I was thinkin’,” Dean says as he walks closer to meet me at the trunk, “maybe you should give Y/N a call.” Dean closes the trunk. “It’s been months, man.”

“No,” it pains me to say it, “I can’t.”

“Just try. Tell her you’re sorry for everything, and when all this is over, you want to be with her.”

“Y/N/N won’t answer,” I sigh. “You heard Cas. She wants nothing to do with me anymore. Whatever chance I still had with her went flying out the window the second Crowley showed up at her house.”

“C’mon, man. You had no way of knowing–”

“That’s the point, Dean!” I shout. “I should’ve known, we both should’ve known! We– I left her, defenseless; didn’t even show her how to make a fuckin’ Devil’s Trap.” I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself. “I didn’t show her how to test anyone around her. Wherever she is, she could be surrounded by Crowley’s fuckin’ minions, and she wouldn’t even know it, Y/N/N could still be in danger.”

“Cas warded her house,” Dean offers, “she’s safe.”

“We both know that isn’t true, Dean,” I try and fight back the tears that press at my eyes. “As long as Crowley’s around, Y/N and Corie won’t be safe. He’ll find some way to use them against us.”

“Sammy.”

“Y/N didn’t ask for this life, Dean. She doesn’t want a life full of demons, monsters, angels. She just wants a normal, safe life, and she had it before we took that case. From the second we stepped foot back in Weldon, we put Y/N/N and Corie in danger.”

“You can’t keep blaming yourself, Sam,” Dean argues.

“I’m gonna make sure she gets the life she’s always wanted, even if it doesn’t include me.” Dean’s eyebrows furrow, and his forehead wrinkles. “When we’re done,” I sniff, wiping away the tears that escaped, and clear my throat. “I’m gonna get Cas to erase their memories.”

Dean’s eyes narrow as soon as my words leave me; shock and anger quickly replace his previous confusion. I realize my mistake immediately; Dean would never let me or Cas do such a thing.

“No,” he says firmly. “You’re not going to do that to Y/N and Cordy.”

“So Cas can erase Lisa and Ben’s memories–”

“That was different,” Dean runs his hands over his face, and I know I’ve hit a nerve with him. “Y/N and Cordy, they’re your family, our family. I know you, Sam, better than you know yourself, and it’ll kill you never to see them again. What about what Y/N wants?”

“Did you ask Lisa what she wanted?” Dean opens his mouth to argue, but I don’t back off. Lisa and Ben were the closest things he ever had to a wife and kid. “No, because you knew what she would say. You did the only thing you could to protect them.” Dean grimaces; he knows I’m right. “I have to keep them safe, Dean.”

“You’re not thinking straight,” Dean sighs. “When this is all over, Crowley’ll be human, and all those sons of bitches will be locked away.”

“I’m not going to put them in danger again, Dean.”

“And you won’t. Sammy, let’s just get through this trial. Then, we’ll track down Y/N, find a way to make it work.”

I try to keep myself steady as I lean in to inject Crowley for the second time. As I stick the needle in his neck, he bites me, and I let out an annoyed shout as Dean rushes to my side. “Really, Crowley? Biting?”

Dean walks us out to the Impala and inspects the wound. I look up to see that Dean’s focus is less on the injury and more on my face. I can see him studying it, realizing how much it’s changed over the last few weeks. I’ve lied to Dean and myself about how much the Trials have been taking a toll on me, but looking into his eyes tells me that no matter how much I want to, I can’t hide my pain from him.

“Cas say when he would be back?” I break the growing silence between us.

“No. Maybe once he’s finished doing whatever it is he’s doing, we won’t have to deal with those dicks anymore either,” Dean laughs weakly.

Cas appears outside the church after I finish my confession, asking Dean for his help. He explains that Metatron found a way of putting Heaven back in order, but Cas is the only one who can do it. Dean and I both know that Cas has felt guilty about what has happened over the last two years. Killing Raphael, letting the Leviathan’s out of Purgatory, it was complete anarchy in Heaven from what he had told us.

Dean refuses, insisting on staying with me, ‘if anyone needs a chaperon, it’s Sam’. He didn’t say the words maliciously, but I cringe at the thought of him not being able to trust me to complete this one on my own. Dean is my rock, the only person I’ve ever been able to rely on, he’s the one who’s always been there for me, and I can’t let him or Y/N/N down again.

“You think he can do it, fix heaven, or whatever?”

“If anyone can, it’s Cas.” Dean opens the Impala’s trunk and pulls out a gauze pad and a bottle of rubbing alcohol. “Knock knock,” he smirks, pulling the same move that he did when we were kids. I roll my eyes at him, “C’mon, Sammy, knock knock.”

“Who’s–” I hiss as the alcohol hits the bite marks on my skin. Dean chuckles slightly, clearly proud of himself as he finds a large bandage and wraps it around my wrist.

“Call Y/N, Sammy,” Dean looks up from my wrist and meets my eyes.

“Dean,” I sigh.

“Just try.”

“I did!” I shout, yanking my hand away. “After we left Weldon; I reached out, I told her I was sorry, I told her that I loved her. You know what she said? Take care of yourself. She didn��t tell me that she wanted us to work out, that she wanted me around.”

“Sammy–”

“Y/N/N was pissed, and she had every right to be, you said it yourself, I scared the crap outta her that night. I listened to you and gave her the time and space that she asked for so that she could sort everything out. I left her alone after that.” I take a few steps back. “I tried calling and messaging her every day since Crowley attacked her, she won’t answer. No matter what I say or do, she doesn’t want any part of it. She's choosing to not speak to me, and I can’t blame her. The least I can do now is finish the Trial and let Y/N/N and Corie move on with their lives. She’s better off without me; they both are.”

“Sam,” Dean brings his hand down over his face. “They’re not, you know that. Don’t be like dad, don’t push them away because you’re afraid of losing them. You’ll never forgive yourself if you walk away from Y/N and Cordy again.”

“Fuck you,” I grumble. “I didn’t walk away the first time. I let one of the people I’m supposed to trust more than anyone else in the world manipulate me. You keep taking dad’s side.”

“Sammy, I’m– I’m not, but dad didn’t make you leave.”

“You wanna know what happened that night?” I ask. Dean still doesn’t know the whole story, and he nods slightly. “I came back from Y/N/N’s house, and I told dad about Stanford. He said that I was abandoning you. All I wanted was to go to college and have a couple of years of a normal, safe life. When I told him that Y/N/N was going with me, he said she couldn't, that I would be accused of kidnapping her. I stood my ground and told him that she was coming with me and nobody was going to stop us. I had to tell him first, Dean, about the baby, and when I did, he fuckin' lost it. Said that Y/N/N was trying to trap me, called her a slut, and the baby wasn't mine. When we got back in the morning, he convinced me that Y/N/N had decided to have an abortion and that she didn’t want to see me again.”

“Sam–”

“No,” I shake my head. I know what he’s about to say. “You’re not going to tell me that he was keeping them safe. Not when he kept in contact with them for years– years, Dean. Dad robbed me of the chance to know my daughter and then weaved a story to Y/N/N, making her think he was the good guy, like he hadn’t said those awful things about her. Corie would’ve known him if he hadn’t died; what would’ve he told her about me, about us? If he wanted to shield them from our enemies, he would’ve stayed away, just like he wanted me to. They would’ve been safe with me; I could’ve protected them from everything. The second Crowley started torturing her to get us to play his game, I knew the only way to make sure that it never happened again would be to remove myself from their lives completely. I’m not walking away; I’m keeping them safe the only way I can.”

“I need your help, Dean,” Cas appears suddenly with a rustling.

“Cas, I told you already. I need to be here with Sam.”

“You should go,” I mumble, “seriously.”

“What, and leave you with the King of Hell? No way.”

“Sam must complete this Trial on his own. You cannot assist him.”

“Keep giving the injections,” Dean orders. “If I’m not back in time for the bloody fist, you finish it, you hear me? No questions, no hesitation.”

I nod, and Dean gives me a half-hearted smile. He and Cas disappear before my eyes, and I walk back into the church.

With every injection, Crowley is becoming weaker. It takes five injections for him to start breaking down, admitting his failures; he almost seemed human. The injections aren’t just curing Crowley. They’re doing something to me, too; I can feel my body breaking down. With every passing hour, we’re both growing weaker.

“I didn’t know about the little one, Moose,” Crowley murmurs as I pull the needle out of his neck. “Not at first.”

Crowley is as close to human as he will be before the final injection. It takes me a moment to realize what he’s saying. “What do you mean, ‘not at first’?”

“I knew about the girl; everyone did,” Crowley lifts his head slightly. “She was the one I’d been watching.”

“Why?” How did he know about Y/N/N and not Corie? Cas said the angels knew from the beginning,

“The two of you were always destined to meet. She was always going to be the one to carry your children. Lillith made it all of the Loyalists’ priority to ensure that you would meet. Think about it, Sam, the case that brought you two together all those years ago, you knew that there was something off about it. But once you and Y/N had met, all your reservations went out the window.”

I feel my entire body vibrate with rage. Cas talked about our paths being destined to cross again, but was it all contrived? Did I ever have any free will?

“You weren’t to meet for years, but Lucifer instructed Lillith to speed up the process. Cordelia was under powerful protection. Someone found a witch to cast a spell over her before she was born, and she was made invisible to us. Y/N was protected as well, but we already knew about her, and it was only a matter of time before she left that small town of hers,” Crowley rasps. “It was Naomi, Moose. She was the one who told me about the little one.”

“Naomi, was your informant?” I huff, “why? Cas said that the angels were told to keep her existence a secret. Why would she tell you about them?” I question the weakened demon. “It doesn’t make any sense.”

“You said it yourself, Sam. If we’d known, we would’ve used them to our advantage years ago.” Crowley sighs, and I don’t know whether or not to believe him. “I wouldn’t have hurt her, Sam. I would’ve treated her as if she were my own, Cordelia, Princess of Hell.”

“If you weren’t going to hurt her, then why tell us you would?”

“I had to keep your Y/N compliant, and she would’ve done anything to protect Cordelia,” Crowley lifts his head, and I can see how close he is to being human again. “Nothing is more sacred than a mother’s love for her child; there are few bonds greater. The only thing comparable is her soulmate. Like when your mother made a deal with Azazel to save your father and then sacrificed herself for you when Azazel walked into your nursery. Acts of pure love,” he mumbles. “I want that Moose. I deserve love; I deserve to be loved!”

“You deserve nothing, Crowley,” I murmur. “And once we’re done, I’m going to take pleasure in killing you myself. You saw what I did to Brady? That’s nothing compared to what I’m going to do to you. I’m going to enjoy every second of it.”

I expect some witty retort from Crowley, but he doesn’t speak; he only stares at the ground. Watching him break down, so close to being human, knowing that I’ll be able to get my revenge for everything, makes me feel better than I have in months. I have to finish this, for Y/N/N, for Corie, for Dean. I can’t let them down again.

I grab Ruby’s knife, ready to complete the ritual. This is it; closing the gates of Hell that I was responsible for opening all those years ago. No more Crowley, no more demons, and if Cas succeeds, no more angels either.

“Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, hanc animam redintegra, lustra.”

“Sammy, stop!” Dean’s thundering voice causes me to jump. “There’s been a change in plans, Metatron lied. You finish this trial, you’re dead.”

Before Dean ever voiced the words, I knew that there was little chance of me getting out of this alive. If my life is what it takes to close the gates of hell, then I will give it. It's the least I can do to make sure that Y/N/N and Corie can live the rest of their lives in peace. Dean can look after them, show them how to protect themselves from monsters. Bobby and Rufus have safe houses all over the country; I know I can trust Dean to keep the only family we have left safe.

“So?” I mutter, closing the gap between Crowley and me. “Look at him!” I turn around, coming face to face with Crowley again; the King of Hell, now a blubbering mess. Crowley doesn’t look at me but turns his attention to Dean. As if Dean is the one who can save him, but he’s too far away, all I have to do is give him the final dose of blood. “Look how close we are! Other people will die if I don't finish this.” Dean stares at me wide-eyed, stunned, as he takes in my words. The only reason he let me continue with the Trials was that I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. These Trials were supposed to be my way out of hunting. “I have to finish this for them, Dean. I have to keep Y/N/N and Corie safe.”

“Listen to me, Sammy.” Dean raises his hands in surrender. “I know you want to keep them safe, but this isn’t the only way to do it. Y/N and Cordy, they need you, Sam, even if they don’t know it. You finish this trial, and you're taking away Cordy’s chance to know you. You’re making Y/N’s choice for her.”

I pull away from Crowley and mull over what Dean says. I shake my head and weigh my options. Is Dean, right? No, Killing Crowley and closing the Gates of Hell is the only way to keep my family safe. Seeing my momentary hesitation, Dean takes a step closer.

“Sam, think about everything we’ve learned since we started: rescuing a soul from Hell, curing demons, hell, ganking a hellhound. We have a real chance to turn the tide here, but I can't do it without you.”

“You can barely do it with me.” I choke on my words, feeling the tears press against my eyes as I fail to fight them back. “Y/N/N hates me. She won’t ever forgive me for Crowley.”

“You don’t know that, Sam,” Dean argues gently, taking another step forward.

“Y/N/N and Corie, they’re better off without me, all of you are. If it weren’t for me, we wouldn’t even need to close the gates. It’s my fault they were opened in the first place. It’s my fault that Lucifer got outta the cage; thousands of people are dead because of me.”

“Sammy.” Dean shakes his head. “You gotta know that isn’t true.”

“You’re still pissed about Ruby, Dean. About me losing my soul, killing Lilith. You think I’m a screw-up, that I need a chaperon.”

“C'mon, man, that's not what I meant–”

“It's exactly what you meant,” I cut him off. “Do you wanna know what I confessed in there? What my greatest sin was? It was how many times I let you down, Y/N/N down. I can't do that again. You wanna know why I never told you about Y/N/N and the baby?” Dean’s face softens. “I didn’t know how to tell you, of all people, that I was going to leave it all behind. Y/N/N and I, we were going to start over in California. I wanted to marry her, live a safe life, just the three of us. How was I supposed to tell you, the one person I’ve always been able to count on, that I was going to leave the only life I’d ever known?”

“Sammy–”

“I was scared to tell dad because I knew that he’d be pissed, tell me that I was irresponsible, and all that bullshit. But you– you raised me, Dean, you were more my parent than dad ever was. I couldn’t disappoint you again, and I couldn’t risk that you would take dad’s side over mine.”

“Just hold it. Hold on,” Dean bellows. “You seriously think that? Because none of it, none of it, is true.” Dean takes a step forward, and I keep the knife pressed against my palm.

“You just stood there when dad said if I left, I couldn’t come back. You’re my big brother, and I thought if anyone could’ve helped me with Y/N/N and the baby, it would’ve been you. I lost everything that night, not just Y/N/N and the baby, but you too. And I only got some of it back when you turned up in Palo Alto.” Dean frowns. “I didn’t get to say goodbye to her, to either of them. I never got to have a real talk with my daughter. I never got the chance to tell Corie that I thought about her and Y/N/N every day for the last ten years and that leaving was the biggest regret of my entire life.”

“Sammy, all you have to do is stop, and you can tell her. We’ll go there right now.”

“We can’t, Dean.” I let the knife slice through the skin of my palm. The glowing in my arms becomes brighter, and pain radiates through me. “Y/N/N left Weldon and took Corie with her, she ran away from her home town and took my daughter with her. They could be on the other side of the fuckin’ world for all we know.”

“You’re right. But he knows.” Dean gestures at Crowley behind me. “He can tell us where they are.”

“Y/N/N doesn’t want me around, Dean, don’t you get that?” I huff, moving backwards towards Crowley. “She doesn’t trust me to keep her or Corie safe. They deserve better than some fuck-up like me in their lives. I’ve only ever let them down. I’m not going to do it again.”

“We can fix it, Sam. You, Y/N, and Cordy, you belong together. We’ll find her, find Cordy. We’ll teach them everything they need to know about protecting themselves. I’ll get you your apple-pie life, brother, but you gotta trust me, okay? You gotta stop.”

“I do trust you, Dean. I always have,” I mumble. “I’ve always been able to count on you, my whole life, you’ve been the one who’s always been there for me. But what happens when you decide I can’t be trusted again? Will you take Y/N and Cordy away, hide them from me? Who will you turn to? Another angel, another- another vampire?”

“Hold on, hold on!” Dean shouts. “You can’t believe that’s true, any of it! I know that we’ve had some disagreements. Hell, I know I’ve said some things that sent you back on your heels. But Sammy, c’mon, I killed Benny to save you. I’m willing to let this bastard and all the other sons of bitches that killed mom walk because of you.” Dean takes a step closer, and I can see the tears in his eyes. “Don’t you dare think there is anything, past or present, that I would put in front of you. You gotta see that, okay? I need you to see that.”

“What about Y/N/N? Corie?” I sniff.

“I’ll get you back to them, Sammy, I swear to God. I will do everything in my power to keep the three of you together for the rest of your lives.”

I can feel the blood from my palm drip onto the floor as I consider Dean’s words. If I can be back with Y/N/N and Corie, everything will be worth it. But, the overwhelming need to make Crowley human again consumes my thoughts. My instincts as a father are taking over; I have to do everything I can to keep Corie safe.

Dean’s voice sounds muted, strangled; I can barely hear him as he continues to shout at me. I repeat Father Thompson’s exorcism a final time as I move back to Crowley’s side and put my hand over his mouth. ‘I did it,’ I murmur before the darkness consumes me.

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misha-moose-dean-burger-lover · 4 years

Text

Going on Sixty

Dean’s fifty eight.

He’s pushing sixty, and that’s exactly what he’s doing. He’s pushing as hard as his back allows - but it doesn’t seem to be working, and if he’d had a stick - though he doesn’t need one, thankyouverymuch - he would’ve been using it too.

And it’s not just the number.

He’s old.

Bobby Singer’s words have never rung truer, and that man has said plenty of wise things in his life. “Old age is both - forgetting things like a drunk, and hurting all over like you’re sober.” It’s ridiculous. Dean won’t vouch for having had a brilliant brain before, but he didn’t used to forget why he went into the next room, he’s quite sure.

And, oh lord, his bones. His joints creak when he sits, and he wishes he’d given older hunters less shit for it when they’d all been whining in chorus about their goddamn hips. He gets sick easy too - Sam, the ever smart-ass says his immunity is as trash as the meals he’d have when he was thirty. He might be right. When it’s flu season, he wheezes like he might cough his heart out; and he’s sure anyone who hears him is positively scared about it too.

So, there. He’s old, and he’s grey, and he’s slow, and he’s grumpy.

But hell, is he happy.

Everyday, he wakes up on a mattress that’s known him for just the perfect span of time, under a white, fleecy comforter; all seasons of the year because they’re settled in Key West - who set their bets on Florida, ‘twasn’t him - and he wakes up next to the man he loves.

Cas is either curled around him, hands tucked around his middle, or he’s cuddled up, pressed to Dean’s front, and Dean gets to wake up hugging him close, leg slot between his, and his nose in Cas’s hair - which frankly, he’s gotten so used to, that it doesn’t even make him sneeze anymore.

And then they wake up - Dean mostly second; and breakfasts are cooked and coffees are made, newspapers are fetched and kisses are shared, until dressed in fresh clothes to go mostly nowhere in particular, he finds himself seated across Cas on their little table for two - they’d reasoned family meals are more fun on the patio anyway, and ninety percent of the time, it’s really only just them.

And every day, Dean thinks about how lucky he is, and it mostly happens while he’s staring at Cas unabashedly as the beautiful, wrinkled man solves the crosswords, and writes his lists on less printed pages to conserve paper.

Days pass slow, but years are always in a hurry - they’ve been married sixteen years, already. It had all Sam’s doing, that one, he’d never meant to have a grand big day out, with white linen tablecloths and calla lilies and a goddamn wedding photographer.

But he doesn’t need those pictures to remember. Cas, in his cobalt tuxedo, and Dean in his black blazer - both walked up the aisle because either one of them doing it had sounded unfair. He remembers the vows, the dances, and the kiss. It had been everything he hadn’t known he wished for, and he’d cried that into Sam’s shoulder a week after, when Sam brought homethe gigantic album from the studio. That day, he’d gotten to bring Cas home, and make honest men of themselves, he remembered saying - and then, they’d moved into their house together, husband and husband.

The house is close to where Sam teaches, close enough to the shelters they volunteer at twice a week, and at walkable distance from the diners, movies and parks. They have a library debossed in a wall, a garden at the back, and a study for where Dean and Cas alternate taking calls, pretending to be the FBI.

It’s perfect.

And Dean Winchester’s happier than he’d ever been - and it sucks, because it doesn’t really seem to count. Because now, he’s old.

The troubles started slow, as you’d expect them to do.

Dean misplaced the keys to the Impala one fine evening when they’d planned in advance to go play pool and darts at Wren’s. He’d found them at Sam’s, the next day. And if he hadn’t been as busy as he was, correcting Cas whenever he called it ‘losing’ the keys, because he’d ‘known they were at Sammy’s, dammit’ - he would’ve given more thought to how that had been the very start of a long line of similar mishaps.

A particularly embarrassing once, he’d forgotten the other side of the grocery list when he’d gone out - Cas had justifiably nagged him about the lack of oranges, post-it pads, and condoms for the rest of the day.

Once, he got so utterly exhausted performing Baby’s monthly maintenance routine, he fell asleep - and Cas just assumed he was staying over at a friend’s and had forgotten to inform him, so Dean spent the entire night and then some, in the garage.

Yeah, because he slept ten frigging hours a day now.

Dean occasionally complains how it’s happening all wrong for him, because this stuff’s supposed to start at eighty! And Sam and Cas both shine their intellectual scowls at him, and he’s told that he’s been mislead. Cas goes on to add, with a smirk, that since Dean hadn’t exactly allowed himself to age till forty two - when they finally took down Chuck and bowed out of the game - it might be a way for his body to compensate for the delay then. Dean tells Cas then that he’ll make him sleep on the couch, and Sam points out that it’s not Cas who develops a crick in his back from that, and Dean declares that he hates them both.

If someone had told him - and honestly drilled it into his head too, that exercise at thirty would mean surviving at sixty, he would’ve fucking joined his brother on his smug-faced morning runs. He still wouldn’t have yoga’d, to be completely truthful, but he could’ve fucking ran. (Though, he wasn’t sixty yet. That was far, far away.)

But the point stood as it did. Dean felt multiple times the old Cas seemed to be, and especially on the times he messed up and Cas turned even more thoughtful and nice - he has to seriously resist the urge to pull a Crowley and tell his ridiculously understanding husband that he has no idea what old feels like.

Except he isn’t a hypocrite, and theoretically, Castiel is older than mankind, and Jimmy’s older than Dean.

A day just so, when Dean’s home and Cas is gone visiting Claire at her new place - she’d moved in with Kaia only last month, after dating for more than a decade, with a quiet, beautiful wedding in the backyard, so Cas had taken with him a waffle maker to keep up the tradition of wedding gifts in their family - and Dean’s sat by himself on the porch contemplating the nature of being old as crap and acting like it, he’s struck with a horrifying thought.

He hadn’t realized it yet, but all the things he’d been doing wrong, have been affecting his relationship with Cas, somehow.

The keys? They’d had to postpone a date, that Dean couldn’t even remember them going on later. It wasn’t his fault, but Cas had had a busy week. The condoms? Well, go figure that one. The sleeping in the garage? He’d smelled so much of motor oil that even he couldn’t be disgusting enough to lean in for a kiss the next morning.

Perfect. So, it hasn’t been enough to ruin Dean’s dignity and his sense of normalcy. The ghost of two-years-to-sixty had to mess with the best thing in his life, too.

Though, he reasons, Cas has been nothing but accommodating all those times - well, except for when he’s a smartass about it.

Mostly, he just tries to convince Dean that it doesn’t matter, really, and that he understands - but it just irks Dean further. It isn’t fair that Cas can still walk at the same ex-angelic-pace from before, or that he doesn’t have colds and acid refluxes. He’s happy that Cas doesn’t suffer, of course he is - but it doesn’t seem fair.

Cas might be aging with him, but he isn’t growing old.

Instead, while Dean developed body aches and lines on his face, he’d just developed more pronounced crowfeet from the ever increasing smiles, and it just made him more beautiful. And he’d widened some, but Dean just likes that more.

Cas doesn’t forget keys, or sexy items on the Walmart list, or any of the shit Dean pulls. He doesn’t do things which might compromise their time together, or date nights.

Dean’s the one who does that.

He can’t believe he hasn’t noticed it before. He shudders at the thought of becoming like one of those old married guys who stop putting a goddamn effort - because he knows he’s grateful for the life he lives, everyday. Getting married to Cas is one of the best things that have ever happened to him. But does Cas know? Does Cas remember? Dean loves him, but he’s hardly able to show it anymore. He can hardly plan elaborate and adventurous dates, and he certainly can’t orgasm thrice in a night. He’s old, and he knows Cas gets it, but does Cas get it?

Suddenly very troubled, Dean takes another sip from his beer.

As the years passed by, his tolerance for alcohol has gone lower. It even tastes bitter, going down his throat.

Old age just became exponentially worse.

The last straw is something as inconsequential as a backache is at this age, and as horrid as one too.

Watching Netflix’s Queer Eye in the living room, they’d fallen asleep on the couch, in the middle of the day. Their white settee isn’t large enough for them both to lie down, but they’ve managed to settle pretty comfortably, and it doesn’t even feel like they’ve had to squeeze in, because Dean gets to have his hand around Cas, who has his head rested on Dean’s left shoulder.

The episode is long over, and owing to autoplay, Dean wakes up to the Fab Five spending the week with a completely different person altogether; and Cas stirs too, and lifts his head from Dean’s chest, having migrated downwards to hug his hips, and -

“Fuck.” Dean winces. The loss of weight had allowed his spine to straighten mostly, and a sharp pain shot through his back. He has to fight his tongue to not swear again, because Cas is looking at him concerned - albeit, still drowsy.

“Is everything alright?” He asks, in a sleep-roughened pitch, and Dean tries to focus on that instead on his back. How wonderful Cas sounds, and sure he does, but - holyshit, his back.

“It’s - I’m good, Cas.” Dean placates, trying not to speak through his teeth, still trying to ignore the pain.

“Did we really fall asleep at three in the afternoon?” Cas smiles at him, and his eyes are bright and eyebrows are up. “I’m surprised at us, Dean.” He adds, in a not very surprised tone, and scoots upwards to Dean’s level.

The pressure helps a little bit, only enough for Dean to screw his eyes shut and kiss back.

Cas is slow, soft and warm. He is half draped over Dean’s front, and cupping Dean’s face with both his hands like he wants to take his sweet time kissing today - like he has nowhere else to be, and Dean knows he doesn’t, and he wishes to dedicate all his time to Dean’s lips and Dean goddamn wants him to, too.

It’s been some time since they made out like this. It’s leading to no where - of course it isn’t, they aren’t monkeys who do it on the couch anyone; it’s just what it is, it’s very in the moment, and it’s one of Dean’s favorite things to do. Except right now, he’s not in the moment.

He tries to return the best he can, letting an arm fall over Cas, and move his lips in sync with his. Cas is adequately pleased to be the one leading, and makes a happy, contented sound as his tongue enters Dean’s mouth.

And it feels wonderful, but Dean’s back still hurts, in spite of the weight now, which means there’s really no easy way out of this.

Cas chooses that moment to let go of Dean’s face, and his left hand trails under Dean, while the right one moves up into his hair. “Dean.” He sighs, and it’s so perfectly gorgeous, that Dean begs for it to stop hurting, so he can start enjoying too, because they haven’t kissed like this in a while, and he’s missed it.

There hasn’t been a reason to not do it - they’ve obviously kissed good morning and good night, but this is still the fortnight Dean forgot the lube and condoms so they haven’t had sex, and now that Dean thinks about it, his back has been showing signs of impending doom, as well as -

“I love you,” Cas breathes out, still nice and tender on him, and his mouth still engrossed in kissing him.

“I -” Dean looks at Cas, sleepy blue eyes and soft, shaven cheeks, engrossed so completely in Dean - and feels an overwhelming wave of lucky again. “I love you.”

Shit, the least he can do is give Cas what he’s asking for - his back could be tended to, some other time. He’s been a hunter all his life. If he can’t even kiss his husband back without thinking about his aching back, what has he even been doing?

He stops thinking entirely, and gives himself up to making Cas feel good - he hums under his breath like he knows Cas likes to feel on his lips, and tugs Cas closer, and he almost feels better himself, until Cas’s wandering hand somehow snakes to the exact spot Dean’s pain is focused on, and as Cas groans, he presses, and -

“Fuck!” He cries out, almost yells, leaping a good inch off the couch. Cas is on his feet almost instantly, kiss swollen lips now frowning in earnest, studying Dean.

“Was that -” Cas pauses. “Is that an erogenous zone you’ve newly developed, and not told me about?” He asks, and he’s frank is all that matters. “Did you -” His eyes track lower along Dean’s body, where his member is definitely perking to attention, newly so under Cas’s curious stare.

“What? No.” Dean flushes, at the idea of coming in his pants like a horny teenager, from perhaps the most innocent drawn-out kiss he’s ever shared with Cas. Only because he’s been thinking about his back, that is.

“It’s -” He almost tells Cas. Then he remembers the way Cas had looked at Dean, how much he’d wanted this, and how long it’d been. “It’s nothing. Just got reminded of something, or…whatever. Come back.”

Cas squints at him.

“Don’t look at me like that.” Dean swats He still doesn’t dare to move his spine though, because after he’d sprung up in pain from Cas’s hand brushing the area, he’d managed to find a spot where he wasn’t quite feeling the pain.

Cas continues to squint.

“C'mere.” Dean motions, and makes the mistake of turning towards him to persuade Cas with full-blown puppy eyes, which usually work - because another bout of pain shoots through him, and he visibly squirms.

“Backache.” Cas declares, crossing his arms on his chest. “You have a backache.”

“S'no big deal.” Dean shakes his head.

“Okay.” Cas agrees, and sits down on the couch next to Dean, but not touching him anymore. Dammit. Cas had wanted to kiss him, wanted to keep kissing him, and Dean hadn’t even been able to get kissed. He was a complete moron, and now he knew he wouldn’t be able to get Cas to return to the kissing, till he’d dealt with the situation.

“Tell me where.” Cas demands.

“I said it’s not a -”

“Falling asleep on the couch must’ve triggered it. You’ve been stiff since Thursday.” Cas notes, ignoring him. “I’m going to shift the TV to the bedroom tonight. You’ll help me with the plugs and the chords, you always know how to get the wires right. Now, can you walk?” Dean opens his mouth to protest that he doesn’t want to, because all he wants to do is sit on that couch, and have Cas on top, kissing him. “Because if you can’t, I’ll have to pick you up and put you on the couch which can be pulled into a bed, and you can stretch out.”

“Cas.” Dean whines.

“Dean.” Cas replies, matter-of-factly. Dean can’t tell if he’s pissed because Dean’s killed the mood by getting a stupid backache, or because Dean didn’t tell about it before.

Who’s he kidding, though? This is Cas. It’s the latter.

“Well, I haven’t tried to walk yet.” Dean finally gives in. Cas smiles, and it’s not a triumphant smile, Dean must have imagined it. But the fond twinkle in his eyes, he couldn’t have imagined.

Cas gives him a hand in getting up, and hooks Dean’s arm around his own shoulder to mostly drag him into bed. He plants Dean on his side, almost with a nonexistent grunt, and rewards him with another smile.

“Lie down. On your front, if you can.” He instructs. “I’ll come back with some ointment. Do you need help flipping to your front?”

“Y'know, you may wear a coat all the time, but you’re not a doctor.” Dean’s only trying to be annoying because Cas is a goddamn dream, and it is a miracle he loves Dean, so Dean must test his patience to make up for it.

“I used to be able to heal - I think I’m close enough to one.” Cas replies, if a bit sad. “And if nothing else, I’ll kneel next to you, and rub the ointment into your back.”

Dean involuntarily sighs at the thought of that, because while the change in setting is helping, it still hurts like a bitch. And a massage sounds like heaven, right now.

But he realizes instantly after, how he just sighed at that thought like an nineteenth century actress, and grumbles. “Never thought I’d be this happy about a massage. And it’s not even a sexy massage.”

“I’ll have to take your shirt off. I could take my shirt off too,” Cas offers, from the other room, and now he’s moved on to the part where he’s snarky about it instead of kind. “We’ll bag the sexy, don’t you worry.”

“Shuddup. I’ll be lying on my front, anyways. Won’t even get to see ya.” Dean’s cranky, but Cas’s laugh comes across the hallway to him and makes him smile. Cas walks back into the room, sporting a smirk, as he unbuttons his shirt and gestures at Dean to flip over. Dean steals a proper glance. He gets to look at Cas everyday, naked if he wants to, but Cas never stops looking good to him. He’s got the toned abdomen, though you can’t see the formerly well-defined abs. Plus, he’s got chest hair, and there’s his pecs, and the shoulders, and his collarbones - and Dean has a flashback of the time he drunkenly confessed that he’d totally sleep with him, even if he hadn’t been around to see the coverboy model looks he’d had before, or even if he wasn’t the best man Dean had ever known, just because of those arms.

So, sulking, but without his heart in it, Dean adds. “Sixty six’s not your fucking prime, you massive show-off.”

“Ouch.” Cas deadpans, and it’s not even funny, but Dean just loves his wisecracking idiot so much, so he laughs.

But this episode just reaffirms his fears. This newly-old thing is really trying to fuck up his marriage. That stupid backache - which subsided the next day, because Cas’s fingers are magic, and not just when they’re around Dean’s dick or up his ass - had cut into his quality time with Cas. He doesn’t want to let another old-person problem interrupt his time with Cas. He can’t possibly keep this up.

Even if he has to put in more of an effort, he’s going to make it through this.

“Say, Cas.”

Cas raises his eyebrows as means of asking Dean to go on.

“Wanna go out with me friday?” Dean proposed, putting on his most charming smile. Cas looks at him properly, as if analysing his face. Dean reruns his own words through his head, and suddenly realizes how much he sounds like they’re both in highschool. That’s what you say to the cute guy you have a crush on in the boy’s locker room. Or, in the case of Dean’s very heterosexual adolescence, the chick you share fries with in the lunch hall. In any case, it’s not what you say to your husband, suddenly and without preamble, when you’re both in the same bed, having ice cream for dessert while you watch Bohemian Rhapsody.

But Cas’s smile lights up his entire face, when he answers Dean. “Of course, Dean.” And he proceeds to slip a little closer to the middle, so that Dean can have his arm around him while they watch the movie. Dean feels a warmth blooming in his insides as well. Maybe the old thing won’t ruin this for him, after all. He can still make it right.

“It’s a date.” He mumbles, squeezing his hand.

“I thought so too.” Cas replies, and Dean can hear his amused smile in his voice. It’s wonderful.

“Good.” Dean beams. “I’ll meet you in the living room at seven.” After changing clothes beside you in the bedroom at six thirty, he doesn’t add, because it sounds cheesier this way, and one thing Dean’s always loved about Cas, is that the guy really does dig the textbook chick-flick moments. Almost enough that he converts Dean into it.

It’s a goddamn wonder that he doesn’t look as old as he feels, Dean thinks, adjusting his tie in the bathroom mirror. He can’t remember the last time he had to wear one.

He may have wrinkles now, but when he smiles, they look just like the smile lines he’s had since forty. Got to smile more then, he notes, grinning at the mirror, and feeling satisfied with the results.

He’s wearing a blue shirt, which is a much lighter color than Cas’s eyes are - he’s not even trying to be cheesy, but when you spend all your time looking at your husband’s spectacular eyes, you develop tendencies to compare it to everything else blue you see. And he’s trying out a new-ish fad, and wearing a tie without a blazer. It’s too hot for a blazer. But Cas likes him in ties, so he’s wearing the one Cas got him for his fifty sixth birthday.

It’s indigo, with grey stripes. Cas is wearing grey, he knows. He caught a peak when Cas picked it out of their closet. He likes that shirt.

Dean looks at himself one last time.

For all his whining, he can still clean up nice. He marches out of the bathroom, feeling a little proud of himself, and excited to find Cas. Sure, blame him for wanting to see Cas’s reaction when he checks him out.

He reaches the living room, and is stunned, momentarily. "Cas.“ He just says, without meaning to. The word rolls off his tongue, like it does a thousand times each day, and Cas turns towards him.

He is in the grey shirt Dean anticipated, but he hadn’t been prepared for how it looked on him, and he’s rolled it up to his elbows in just the way Dean’s told him multiple times he likes - and he’s wearing jeans instead of trousers, and he’s done something to his hair that Dean has no time to process, because Cas is soon walking up to him, and Dean’s definitely losing his peripheral vision too now, fucking presbyopia - or maybe all his eyes want to do is focus on the eyes, and tune all else out.

He has no time thinking about Cas’s reaction on seeing him, not when Cas looks like this, does he?

“Good eve - Okay, hi.” Dean abruptly ends, eyes widened, as Cas reaches him, stopping unbelievably close. It’s stupid how he’s literally done everything there is to do, with this man - and his proximity still gets Dean flustered sometimes.

“Good evening. You look breathtaking.” Cas tells him, having to look just the little bit up to meet his eyes.

“Well, I - uh, we still got it.” Dean corrects, leaning downwards to close the gap. Cas hadn’t been expecting it - why not, Dean has no idea; but it’s fun to take him by surprise as Cas slowly melts into the sensations, and Dean only pulls away for air.

He’s never going to get tired of kissing this man. He’s never going to have had enough. Even if it had been all he did in all of his life, till the day he breathes his last, it’s not going to be enough. Dean’s gonna get old and Cas is not, because he might not be immortal anymore, but he never learnt to start aging - and Dean’s gonna wither and fucking die someday, and all things in the world are gonna get old, but kissing Castiel? That’s never going to get old.

Cas inhales slowly, deeply, and looks at Dean in that particular way which he reserves for Dean. Dean really fucking loves it.

“I thought we were going to go out.” He says, and the teasing is loud and clear. Dean almost gives in too. As if he’d turn down an offer to stay back in bed with him.

“Yeah, but we aren’t roleplaying a first date.” Dean says, instead, his upstairs brain getting the better of his downstairs one. “We’re still going to be married. We still get to kiss.”

“Then why was I looking up icebreakers, earlier?” Cas grins back.

“Because you’re a weird, dorky little guy.” Dean offers, but pulls back too. The further away he stands from Cas, the lesser is the risk of them not being able to make it to the date.

“I’m hardly little.” Cas looks satisfied enough by pointing that out, to not respond to more, and instead goes to pick up his trenchcoat. “Are we leaving now?”

“Sure, big guy.” Dean rolls his eyes. He puts on his own coat, having to stretch his back to get in it. It’s a pleasant surprise, but none of his body parts are aching presently. He’s hoping it stays this way. “I’ll drive the car out to the front. Wait outside for me?”

Cas nods, and Dean goes. He settles in the driving seat, and slides his hands down the cover of the steering wheel. “You ready to charm my date for me, Baby?” He mutters, affectionately, as the engine roars to life and soon subsides to a purr as he drives it out of the garage.

Cas gets in next to him.

“That’s fresh air.” He points out.

“I know.” Dean grins at him, sideways.

“You used an air freshener.” Cas adds. “In your car.” He pauses, as if to process. “This doesn’t smell like the house either. You used a car freshener.”

“I know.”

“You must really love me very much,” Cas jokes, and Dean’s stomach almost drops because hell, that was quick. And of course he does, kind of why he orchestrated the entire thing. He doesn’t know what to say, so he does the one-shoulder-shrug - the universal sign for, I guess.

Cas ducks his head at that, and it’s all sorts of adorable. “So.” He starts, as Dean starts to drive. “Will you tell me where we’re going?”

“You’ve had plenty of time to ask me before,” Dean remarks. “I know you like being surprised. Are you sure you want me to tell you, or is this just one of the icebreakers Buzzfeed taught you?”

Cas chuckles. “Both? And I’m not an amateur. I used Bustle.”

“Well,” Dean grins back. “It’s this newish continental place, near the bowling alley we went to on my last birthday. I looked it up on the internet after hearing of it from various sources, and they have pretty good reviews. We’ll have to try the thukpa.”

“Then we shall do so.” Cas answers.

“Yeah, place is real busy too.”

“Oh.” Cas bobs his head. “What time did you book for us?”

“Yeah, funny thing, I had a problem getting - oh, son of a bitch!” Dean suddenly pauses, horrified. The car swerves as he realizes, and stops thinking entirely. Then he’s pulling over, taking an acute turn from the middle of the road, and Cas is staring at him, trying to figure out the cause for the strange behavior. Nothing had happened on the road.

“Fuck!” He swears, still gripping the wheel. Cas is beginning to panic, asking Dean what’s wrong, on repeat. Dean doesn’t know where to begin. Horrified at himself, absolutely whitening rage - he turns to glare at Cas, though he’s only furious at himself.

“Fuck.” He repeats, for emphasis. “I forgot to make the fucking reservations.”

Dean storms into their house, having parked the Impala on the road, trusting Cas to follow. He keeps up, indeed, constantly asking Dean what was up with him. Dean unlocks their door frustratedly, and prances inside.

“Please sit.” He motions, waving his arm in the direction of the couch.

“We could just have driven around!” Cas protests. “Dean, I get that you’re irritated at yourself, but -”

“No.” Dean states, flatly. He sits gingerly down on the armrest of a couch, as Cas takes the other sofa. “I need to do this. We need to talk.”

For a fraction of a second, Cas’s eyes widen, and they’re a little bit worried. Frightened. It must be the pop culture affiliations that phrase has.

Dean leaps to correct himself. “No! Not like that - Never like that. You’re perfect, Cas.” He sighs. “You’re everything I could ask for.”

“And you’re upset about that.” Cas points out, blinking.

“No, idiot. I’m fucking thrilled. But I’m not.”

“So, you’re thrilled, and you’re also not thrilled.” Cas repeats, squinting at him now. Cas is leaning towards him, and Dean gets up from the armrest, and begins to walk around, to avoid Cas’s eyes.

“No. I am thrilled. I’m just not everything you could ask for.” Dean admits, with resignation. He’s tried to fight it, he’s tried to be better, he’s tried everything, but he’s old and pathetic and cannot even keep Cas assured that he loves him - as was just exhibited. He’s been doing everything wrong, for everything right that Cas does.

Cas opens his mouth to say something, but Dean goes on. “I don’t remember stuff, and I can’t do things anymore - and I creak, Cas - and you’re always so fucking okay with all of it, but you shouldn’t have to be with someone who can’t even remember to book a table for a date!”

“I told you we could’ve driven around the town, and then microwaved leftovers for dinner.” Cas throws back. “I liked that car smell.”

“You shouldn’t have to compromise!” Dean argues. “You give me everything I want. You should get everything you want too, Cas! That time, we had to cancel a date cause I lost my keys -”

“You didn’t lose them.” Cas tells him, cutting him off. Dean can’t tell exactly what mood Cas is in right now, but he sure sounds annoyed. Wow, so now Dean’s managed to do that too. Kudos to him. “And I don’t even want to go there now. Claire told me the owners were loud Republicans.”

“That’s not the point.” Dean complains, trying to remember what the point was, himself. “That afternoon! You wanted to make out, and my back was killing me, and we couldn’t -”

“I could always just kiss you now.” Cas declares, standing up, as if to prove his point.

“Not the point.” Dean hurriedly passes the opening to postpone this conversation. “Cas, I just want you to know that I wish I could be more. Like before. Or better yet. I was never enough -”

“Stop.” Cas positively yells, at this point. “I don’t care about the 'point’ you’ve conjured up, Dean. I get a say in this.” Dean’s silenced by the glare he receives. “I love you.” He begins, softening.

“I know.” Dean sighs.

“And I could not have asked for anything more than you are, Dean Winchester.” Cas takes a step towards him. Dean - okay well, he doesn’t move away, as much as he shuffles his weight to the other hip. He wants Cas to get there. “Because you’re everything.”

Dean blushes, though it’s a stupidly common line, because Cas isn’t just saying it. He’s practically emanating it. “Cas, no -”

“And you talk about not putting in an effort?” Cas rolls his eyes, and his neck goes with it. “Well, what have I been doing, then? I’ve been so comfortable with what we have, that I haven’t been initiating newer things, or asking you out, or -”

“That’s not your fault.” Dean says, shortly. “We’re not a week into dating. We’re settled, and domestic, and those are good things. If you were on your toes about us doing new things all the time, what’s the meaning of all the time we’ve spent together?”

Cas looks appalled, though Dean thinks he’s done a good job explaining it. “Awesome. You can whip out thoughtful lines like those when I talk about not putting in an effort anymore, but when it comes to you, I suddenly seem to want more?”

“Don’t you try to Dr Phil your way outta my fuck-up, Cas.” Dean warns, knowing exactly where Cas would take this.

“I don’t have to.” Cas replies. “Because it’s not your fuck-up. It’s mine. Somehow, I’ve failed to make you realize how much I -”

“You’ve not failed at anything!” Dean frowns. “I know you’re going to say you love me, and I -”

“What, you think I just say it?” Cas retorts. “There are millions of words out there, Dean. I have an exquisite vocabulary. I adore you, and I’m bewitched by you, and I cherish you, and I’m devoted to you, and I’m enchanted by you. But at the end of it all, I love you, for nothing could say it better.”

Dean doesn’t know what to say to that.

“Now, you’re going to let me apologize for allowing you to let such insecurities fester.” Cas tells him, having caught Dean in a daze. “You’ve always made me feel loved, Dean. And in these last sixteen years, you’ve made me happier than I could ever have known. You’ve smiled my bad days into better ones, and cooked meals for us to share on that little table, and you’ve let me kiss you, and make love to you, and be wedded to you, and you’ve never once let me feel alone. And since that’s what I’ve most felt, before you, I am more grateful for you than you could ever imagine.”

Dean feels his throat clog up.

“And every day, Dean, I’ve woken up knowing I love you, but gone to bed at night, next to you, somehow even more deeply in love.” Cas emphasizes. He’s standing much closer to Dean now.

“And I cannot believe I’ve never said this aloud, for I think about it all the time.” Cas swears, his tone delicate. “But you’ve grown and changed so much, that it’s that much easier to love you now. It was always too simple, but little by little, you’ve molded into all my nooks, and filled every strange-shaped crevice of everything I ever wanted.”

Dean’s lips tremble, as he buries his face in Cas’s neck, and lets Cas hug him close. He feels a tear slip down his face, but it doesn’t matter, because Cas’s arms are around him, pulling him close, and he can just pause, and listen, and breathe Cas in.

“I don’t know how long it took, the first go-around, as you call it. Maybe I fell in love with you when I rebuilt you, or when I fought with you against Heaven, or by that river in Purgatory.” Cas whispers, words a little garbled as they’re spoken into the fabric of Dean’s shirt. “But if I had met you today, I would’ve fallen in love with you in a day.”

Dean lets out a choked sound, he wants to believe is a scoff. “You only had to ask if you wanted me to have a dad-bod, buddy. Back then, I mean.”

“You’re nicer to hug.” Cas justifies, and on cue, holds on tighter. “But it’s all the other things too. Now, you -”

“Please. Stop, Cas.” Dean begs, and it’s only a little bit of a joke. “If you go on anymore, I’m going to have to sit down, and then I’m not going to be able to get up, without being vastly unattractive about it.”

“You’re ridiculous.” Cas informs him, pulling away to look at him better. “But fine. We can finish this conversation later.”

“And I can tell you more of my side,” Dean looks down at the floor, embarrassed. “Without you rambling off poetry about our relationship, and making it all sappy like you love to do.”

“Only if you aren’t determined to fault yourself.” Cas conditions, smiling now. He’s so beautiful.

“But I -”

“Dean.” Cas scowls, and Dean shrugs, quieting down. “Only if you swear to skip to the part where we talk about how to help you overcome this. Because, I’m sorry, but it’s not me who feels what you think I feel, at all.”

“Shuddup.” Dean mutters.

There’s a silence, a warm and comfortable one. Cas smiles, again, little but pleasant - and Dean mirrors it. He loves Cas so much. And Cas loves him.

“Date nights.” He blurts. “We could do date nights.”

“Of course.” Cas looks amused, but in a good way. “I think we could pull those off.”

“Let’s have them thursdays.” Dean smirks, and Cas grins.

“Good choice.”

“And let’s go on a vacation.” Dean suggests, suddenly. The pressure is gone, but the adrenaline hasn’t worn off. Their entire future seems to be a sky of possibilities. To make each other feel loved, and to be happy. To put in efforts, without making it a big deal. They can do this. “Let’s go to a beach. Out of the country. We could go on a cruise.”

Cas beams. “I would like that, yes.”

“And -” Dean stops himself, blushing.

“Yes?” Cas urges.

Dean squirms.

“- would you like for me to choose more panties for you?” Cas says, tentatively, at the same time that Dean says, “I want to dye my hair.”

Dean lets out a nervous chuckle, as Cas’s eyebrows go up. “Both?”

“Both.” Cas nods, stepping closer again, but this time it’s not a hug, as his hands go around Dean’s middle, but his head doesn’t go on his shoulder. Dean’s the one who closes the gap, exhilarated.

They’ve got this.

And as they eventually fall back on one of the couches, Cas straddling Dean because he’s the only one of them who can still do that - Dean remembers that they never pulled the curtains down, and moves to stop Cas.

“Curtain.” He pants. “Could you -” Cas doesn’t seem to get it, and continues to lavish kisses on his clavicle. “Cas.” Dean groans. “The window, please. No one wants to see two old geezers getting sweet on each other through the window.”

“Maybe exhibitionism would rekindle the spark you claim is dead for me.” Cas mocks. “And I prefer lovely, married couple. Less old, less geezer.”

“Sure you do.” Dean laughs back, burying his face in Cas’s chest. “You’re a billion years ancient ex-wave, and I’m definitely a geezer, but sure you prefer lovely, married couple.” Cas’s laughter rumbles through him, and Dean can feel it too.

And just like that, it’s pretty frigging perfect - the sixty 'round the corner be damned.

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uservillanelle · 4 years

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Killing Eve ― 3x07 (Review)

Here we are. Already about to write a review to the second last episode of Killing Eve (Season 3). Not gonna lie.. I’m already having this bittersweet feeling, espcially knowing that next time I’ll be writing a review it will be the last one for a long time. I feel the hiatus until season 4 will be a LONG one, but I hope some of you guys will stick around, because I ain’t going anywhere! Alright, I guess we need to get going, shall we?

Villanelle & Helene

So, they were right about the fact that the Twelve is EVERYWHERE. Apparently they know and see everything, including what happened with Oksana’s family and what she did to her mother. I don’t recall Villanelle telling anything to Dasha about this. So far Konstantin is the only one who knows and I don’t think he would tell anybody about this. And now, Helene somehow knows it too and of course she’s using that information to further manipulate and affect Villanelle. I’m still ver torn about her... like, Villanelle is NOT the only one who finds her hot, okay? Camille Cottin is suuch an amazing addition to KE cast and I want her to stick around, buuut... Helene is trouble. She’ll have to go and we got a Villanelle line “Working out how I’d kill you.” this may very well be foreshadowing. Not only does she say it but Helene soon bites back with “You wouldn’t be able to, by the way.” “Wouldn’t be able to what?” “Kill me before I killed you. You’re a child. You have no idea what you’re messing with.” so what does that mean? Villanelle/Helene face off? She is still one of their best assets if not THE best, yet Helene chooses to bring her down by calling her a child. Helene has no chance against her.

Now, their first interaction was just as awkward and kind of weird with Villanelle making jokes about Helene trying to seduce her and all that and honetly, when I saw this scene and her getting to Villanelle like that, for a moment I DID wonder if she was actually trying to secude her and turns out she was mothering her... which means she knows Villanelle’s situation very well. Hitting all the right spots where Villanelle got teary in the first couple of minutes. This is NOT okay. But that’s how the Twelve view her. Helene’s entire speech about her being a Beautiful Monster is exactly how the Twelve see and value her. They wouldn’t want Villanelle to continue being this sensitive, vulnerable and emotional and the only reason why Helene did what she did is to gain information. Have Villanelle confess her “secrets” and feelings, but thank God Villanelle is smarter than that. I mean, it takes A LOT to get her to open up, even with Eve she sometimes kept her guard down so do we really expect her to open up to some stranger? Even if it was a HOT one? Don’t think so.

Another small detail I’d love to talk about is the INJURY. As soon as Helene asked Villanelle to show her injury I instantly thought about Eve’s stab wound and I don’t know why. Sure, she just got stabbed in her arm last episode and I completely forgot about it so... seeing Villanelle hesitate before showing the right place almost makes me think that.. maybe she also thought about the stab wound that Eve caused?

Also, random thought but I’m wondering if Helene and Paul are on the same level in this organisation. Are they like.. Keepers or something? Maybe they hold a higher position we aren’t aware of yet? Because I don’t think they are actually members of the Twelve. Though they could be very close. Like their right hand or something. And since we are seeing Paul back for the finale, will Helene be back as well? Imagine them both in the same place. That definitely would be an interesting duo to see!

Konstantin (ft. Irina)

Okay, so you’re telling me that Konstantin willingly brought Irina into that detention center?! Did someone call the cops on her? Her mother, perhaps? Because I just can’t see Konstantin doing something like this to his own daughter only to expect that she will soon be dischardged? It has to be the mother then, as we got a hint that the lack of empathy that Irina shows comes from her mother. Reminds me a LOT of Villanelle. And that actually sounds a lot like Tatiana... meaning Irina is really becoming Villanelle 2.0 plus Konstantin is no longer with her mother which brings the issue of father/mother abandonment. That, as we saw, causes attention seeking issues which Irina showed in the last episode. In terms of acting, I’m VERY impressed with Yuli this episode. I feel Irina has changed A LOT since last episode and I think only a day or two passed since then. It’s crazy. But the acting was soo on point and Villanelle-like.

I get that Konstantin is scared as to what is happening to Irina and seeing all of those traits coming out of her reminding him of Villanelle and how she alone is handful, he doesn’t want to go through the same crap with his own daughter. Then again, he should’ve seen it coming, but he’s just not around her enough as he’s been living this double agent life.

Everybody and everything seems to be pushing this poor guy towards a heart attack and this time he collapsed! Can’t you give him a break already? He’s the father of the show and we can’t lose him. Many thought that after that tran station scene that he died, but thankfully he seems to be okay at the end of the episode. Well, more or less. In a way I’m still scared that he might die in the finale... but they already had hinted it several times and even voiced that he might die and we thought he did. So... will they pull the same card twice? I’m not sure, but I won’t be letting my guard down yet.

The hospital scene is such a MOOD and I think it’s one of those scenes that we ALL relate to. I know, I do as I’m trying to handle KE stuff and manage my finals so yeeah, stress is a LOT. I’ve always loved Konstantin’s laughter but his hysterical laughter in this scene just KILLED me lmao!! I mean... he just had a heart attack, what makes you think he is NOT stressed?! I can only imagine how much shit he’s into at the moment so yeah, this is such a hilarious question!

Apparently Dasha is there as well! You know what it means? We will get Konstantin/Dasha interactions! We haven’t had any interactions between them yet so this will be interesting.

Let’s everybody pray daddy K survives this season! I’d rather have Dasha, Helene and Paul killed off all together than him. So let’s hope this is exactly what happens!

Villaneve

It’s been a while since the last time we saw Eve chase Villanelle. Or vise versa, even. The only time this season Villanelle “visited” Eve on the bus is when she had a job in London. What if she didn’t have to go to London to kill someone? Wouldn’t she want to see Eve again? That’s a bit painful to think about especially knowing that this was more Villanelle than Oksana as the first episodes took place before she went to Russia and to meet her family.She said she wasn’t ready to see Eve again at that time... and even now after the bus, she was all over the place and really hurting due to Tatiatna’s rejection and having to kill her mother. Does that mean that after all this Villanelle’s obession with Eve and the chase is fading or even completely gone? She seemed really happy to see Eve chase her and the train and so I think she is still intrigued by it, especially now that she saw Eve do it. Eve IS interested. Eve CARES. I still want to see them playing this cat and mouse game from time to time, but without trying to kill each other. They did that enough of times. So hopefully that part of them can still stay the same. Hopefully.

Every time Eve was trying to find/chase Villanelle before was to get to the Twelve. This season she is no longer working with Carolyn, so she doesn’t really have to search for Villanelle even if Carolyn brought up the fact that Villanelle was back in her old ways. Back then Eve refused to have anything to do with Villanelle and so far she wasn’t searching for her until this episode. Again, she says Villanelle is the best way to get to the Twelve, but I don’t really think Eve was so desperate to find Villanelle only for that. Especially after the face off she had with Dasha last episode... I think she just wants to see Villanelle and talk... maybe? She’s ready. Both of them are now. And yeah, I can only wonder what Eve could’ve told Villanelle if they actually met face to face this episode.I’d like to think Eve did all that AND left both Konstantin AND Dasha to die only to continue chasing her girlfriend. Let’s not forget Hugo’s situation last season which was completely the same lmao! Eve wanted to see Villanelle again. And in order to do so not only she digged through trash container, but encouraged Bear to illegally track down Villanelle’s card and she also went to Scotland and then to the damn train station only to meet her! She’s so whipped and WE LOVE TO SEE IT! I just wished she would’ve showed some of this determination in previous episodes.. it’s like she only “woke up” now and realized she was still very in love with Villanelle and wanted to see her again. It’s about TIME you two get together! We’ve been literally waiting for three years for this!

I don’t know why but for some reason I thought that as soon as Villanelle spotted Eve running after the train, she’d get up and stop it and then get off the train to meet her?! The writers wanted to tease us with this for sure, but if it wasn’t for the show... I think Villanelle would’ve done it. Again, another instance where Villanelle doesn’t feel as much need to meet Eve? The only gifts she sent to her this season was that teddy bear with the recording and the cake. That’s it. There were no other hints saying that she is thinking about Eve... and then it makes me go back to 3x06 to Konstantin and Villanelle’s conversation about how she will have to leave Eve behind and the only thing she said was “I know” and I’m pretty sure she was sincere about this. In a way I’d like to think she’s accepting that she needs to be able to let Eve go if she really loves her and at the same time I’m kind of concerned she’s not really... well, struggling with this choice... and if that was some kind of foreshadowing of Villanelle making the decision to leave Eve for good... I’m not even gonna go there.

I just have to bring up the LACK of Villaneve this season. We’ve got a 2-3 scene of them and that’s it. They didn’t interact much in season 1 compared to season 2 and even in season 1 they interacted more than in season 3! I REALLY hope all of this was leading to their reunion in the finale which will be ENORMOUS because they haven’t seen each other for so long and whatever happens.. their reunion will be special either way. Now, both of them went through a lot this season and there was a lot of individual character growth for both of them and I can’t believe Eve will be seeing Villanelle with her hair DOWN in next episode... you know what it means? She will be meeting OKSANA for the first time... and like I said before.. Eve and Villanelle might not work together that well.. but Eve and Oksana can and this gives me hope they WILL get together in the finale... because if they don’t... there is no way they won’t. It wouldn’t make sense. Why keep them separated for so long only to “confirm” their break up/end of their relationship? I won’t have that. But if they do end up together or at least head in the right direction... the whole season of waiting will be worth it. It will be so worth it... and seeing them slow dance together so calmly, without having them try to kill each other and just... be in each other’s orbit is just so.. beautiful? VILLANEVE IS ENDGAME! Period. I will so need that spare bed next to Konstantin in that hospital... because there’s no way I’m surviving that dance or even more Villaneve content.

Dark!Eve

I was soo sure Eve would finish off Dasha and she ALMOST did! I think she already knew Dasha was the one who tried to kill Niko, but having Dasha bring it up again while she was in a vulnerable state unable to protect herself just shows how narcissistic and over-confident she was being plus I think in a way she was STILL underestimating Eve. That entire scene...Dasha’s ribs were LITERALLY cracking! The look on Eve’s face... that sinister smile of pure pleasure, just the one like Villanelle’s hair pin kill... wow. WE LOVE TO SEE IT! There were way more dark!Eve moments last season and this season we didn’t really get any until now and I am livng for it! Dark!Eve rises... and she’s becoming more like Villanelle while Villanelle is becoming more.. human? It’s almost they are truly equal now, on the same page, on the same wave length and if that’s not a sign of Villaneve endgame I don’t know what is.

Since Dasha mentioned Niko’s mustache, I was sure that Eve wanted to get some kind of revenge for almost losing her husband because I do believe she still cares for him deeply, even if she’s not in love with him anymore. But I’ve seen someone say that she almost killed her because she found out Dasha was the one who tried to frame Villanelle thus, making Eve think it was her so they would hate each other again. I mean.. it could be both, right? But I don’t think it’s purely because of Dasha trying to frame Villanelle.

I love that they decided to use “I See Darkness In You” once again... first time we’ve heard it was back in 3x05 when Oksana was watching her mother dance. Originally I thought the song was referring to Oksana seeing darkness in Tatiana... but seeing this scene, the song was definitely referring to seeing that darkness in EVE, so... could the song actually apply to seeing darkness in Oksana as well during that scene? I LIVING for dark!Eve and dark!Oksana. Give it to me. The fact that Villanelle almost killed Dasha and then Eve came and ALMOST finished her job... Villaneve basically killed Dasha even if they weren’t together in the same place lol! This is some soulmate connection lol! I truly think Eve would’ve killed Dasha if it weren’t for the ambulance that distracted her. She was having waaay too much fun to stop at that point lmao! I hope we will see more of dark!Eve moments next season, maybe even in the finale and have Oksana see it as well... I mean, she already knew that Eve had a dark side to her, but having them both accept it and be fine with that just adds way more meaning to it and yet another layer of their understanding, you know?

THE GRINCH COSTUME

YES. I am going to talk about THE grinch costume. There is a reason why Jodie said that it was her favorite outfit this season and I mean... seeing it in this episode truly hits different than seeing those leaked filming pictures. Sure, the costume itself looks ridiculous and I don’t think anyone could’ve pulled it off the way Jodie did. Seriously, this woman can pull off ANYTHING and I love that for her. This costume is DEFINITELY one of my favorites of entire show. It’s iconic™ on it’s own and it deserves way more love. Besides, she gets to wear it on the damn golf course! I honestly wish she wore it longer, I don’t think we will see her wearing it in the finale so that’s a shame. Speaking of her costumes, it feels like she’s changing the outfits too damn quick. Or maybe that’s just me. Anyways, give the GRINCH outfit a chance, please! It’s incredible!

Carolyn & Geraldine

It doesn’t look like things are going well for Carolyn. At all. In fact, I think that’s the least successful she ever was up to this point and that is frustrating. What I’ve noticed this season is that whenever someone digs up some kind of information related to the Twelve they DIE. First it was Kenny who was investigating them for how long? A couple of weeks or something? And they caught up with him. Now, it’s Mo. He said he was tracking Paul for the past week and there was no indications that he was working for the Twelve. However at the end of the episode he did find something and guess what? Rhian was there to kill him. Also... it’s interesting that Helene sent Rhian to kill Mo and not Villanelle because she’s not really fit to do the killing... but she gave Villanelle AND Dasha some random American who apparently was crying out to be killed. She doesn’t trust Villanelle and maybe she doesn’t want her to know what the Twelve is up to.

Meanwhile Carolyn is slowly losing her mind. And in a way Geraldine has a point. She needs to find a way to let it all out because she can only wait this long until it all reaches it’s peak and she snaps. And she did. She went full on bashing and breaking things and that is one way of coping. At least she took the first step towards accepting and dealing with her emotioins. I’m also kind of worried for her... anything could happen at this point and now that she knows Paul is for sure working for the Twelve.. she might try to do something and I hope she doesn’t get herself killed. I mean she’s not my favorite character or anything, but the lady has BEST iconic lines in the show and I’d like her to stick around a bit longer. Espececially now that Konstantin might have to go... (hopefully not)

So Geraldine... I tried to keep an open mind about her and her storyline this season. Each character has storylines, that’s why they are there. For a reason. So far the only storyline I see for Geraldine is to be the pawn that Konstantin uses to spy on Carolyn and well... in a way having her replace Kenny and be someone who Carolyn can interact with. And they barely interact anyways because they don’t really understand one another. So... is that all? Is she still there because well.. she needs to help Carolyn cope with her emotions? And don’t get me started on her and Konstantin thing... that is just fucked up and kind of unnecessary? So... were ALL the scenes involving her necessary for the main plot? I’ll leave that up for the debate.

Intro Sequence & Soundtracks

Glad to see the intro sequence back once more! It would’ve been really weird to have it only for one episode. Someone had pointed out before that they were doing this on purpose and that it was not as random as we thought it was. Apparently both 3x02 and 3x07 has the intro sequence, while 3x04 and 3x06 have the titles all over the place. I can only wonder what they’ve left for the finale! But I’d like for them to keep the intro sequence in season 4!

I’ve said it before several times and I’ll say it again. Killing Eve has the BEST soundtracks and the most accurate ones too, where the lyrics not only express the right feeling/atmosphere of the scene but also describe/tell what the characters are feeling/thinking and that is crucially important b ecause sometimes they just don’t talk about emotions. For example Villanelle doesn’t really voice her feelings but we see what she is feeling due to Jodie’s phenomenal acting and sometimes through the soundtracks, for example the intro scene with Helene. I mean the use of “Look What You Made Me Do” by Jack Leopards & The Dolphin Club was PERFECT! Not only it’s such an interesting take on Taylor Swift’s song, but it describes exactly how Villanelle is feeling towards Helene and her trying to manipulate her. “I don’t like your little game. I don’t like you.”

Then there’s the Villanelle/Konstantin scene where Konstantin comes to pick her up and they have “Watch Your Back” by The Coathangers playing in the background. “You can never go back” LITERALLY! Both of them turned their backs to the Twelve, Konstantin’s stole bunch of money from the organisation and is planning to escape and Villanelle just hit Dasha in the head with golf club and failed to kill her target. They truly can’t go back from this.

Already touched upon “I See Darkness in You” which is literal perfection when it comes to dark!character scenes. Chef’s kiss™

And then there’s “Demolition Girl” by Billy Childish & Holly Golightly which was used in the very last scene when Villanelle calls Eve and we see the camera zoom out on Eve. “Demolition Girl” is basically someone who is destructive and hell... them using that after Eve got a call from her? Yeah, that call ruined Eve and us as well in the best way... in the teasing way and I can’t wait for them to actually meet and I already know they will use something VERY special for the dance scene as well. Their soundtracks this season are soo on point I’m in love.

The Plot

I’ve been meaning to talk about this ever since the last couple of episodes because it seems to me they are really trying to catch up with so many different storylines but there simply isn’t enough time to cover it all up. Which really brings me to my next point when I previously said that a season should at least have about 10 episodes. It’s a solid number and they could actually have a chance to have those “bottle”/solo episodes and at the same time have enough screen time to solve and complete the rest of the storylines without leaving any plot-holes behind. I mean, yes, some of those storylines will not be finished because Laura Neal will take over them in season 4, but I still think they need to either extend the episode number or maybe discard some of the less relevant storylines? I just want it to feel rushed or anything, because I’m sure there will be A LOT of things happening in the finale and we can barely get any Villaneve quality time or even other storylines like with Konstantin/Carolyn and the Twelve.

The Feel/Atmosphere

I think this was THE episode that I actually felt like the old Killing Eve (s1 + s2) was back. It’s true. the rest of the season does feel a lot different and this episode in particular just has this dark atmosphere and some of the original soundtracks are being used as well and let’s not forget one of the OG directors, Damon Thomas, directed this episode and I think he is one of the main reasons what made this episode so amazing. For those of you who aren’t very familiar with the episodes that Damon has directed, he did some of the biggest episodes, including both 1x07 & 1x08, then 2x01, 2x07 & 2x08 including a couple other episodes in there. And this is the only episode (so far) this season that he directed. Maybe that’s why it feels so familiar to previous to season and honestly I LOVED it. I think there is a reason why he tends to direct the last couple of episodes which makes me think he was the one who directed 3x08 as well and if he did, I am even more excited for it! Of course, Laura Neal’s impact was felt there as well and yeah, 3x03 was incredible as well including THE BUS scene which still blows my mind! Yeah, my expectations are HIGH for season 4.

Overall Thoughts

This was definitely my favorite episode this season and soo many things happened in it starting with the humor of the episode (it was said that this episode will be the funniest one) and yeah, it WAS hilarious. It was dark, it had that good old suspence and we also got a GLIMPSE into Villaneve. Then there’s my favorite GRINCH costume, Konstantin’s hysterical laughter, Eve chasing Villanelle and soo much more.

I really hope we survive the next episode guys, because I am nervous and I am scared as I am excited! Can’t believe it’s the last one... but we will get through it together! At least it’s not the last season yet! I truly hope the finale will pay off and I cannot wait to watch it!

As always guys, let me know your thoughts/reactions of the last episode and if you have any theories or thoughts about the finale don’t hesitate to jump in my ask box or message me directly so we can chat about it!!

#ke spoilers #killing eve #villaneve #villanelle #eve polastri #jodie comer #sandra oh #ke s3 #ke 3x07 #ke review*#ke 3x07 review #ke*#creation #one more episode to go...#it better be good

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anathewierdo · 3 years

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I’m okay... and I’m surprised by how true that is

I remember being in my first year of high school and just binge watching Supernatural every chance I would get

And I went through the first three seasons going “ok this is awesome but I wish we’d see more of Jo, of Ellen, of Ash, of Bobby, like the brothers are great but I doubt it’s eleven seasons of this”

And then I got to season four and I met Cas and my brain just went “Hoooooly shit this guy! What even is the deal with this guy?! Friend or foe?! Oh he’s a reluctant friend, I like”, but I saw how Dean was with him, I saw The End, I saw that episode where they go after Raphael and I just went “ok so they’re either super duper best friends or they’re boyfriends I’m sure of it”

Then I saw seasons 6 and 7 and I went “did– did they just broke up? Did– wait they’re not best friends anymore NO”

Also, I will forever be grateful to Felícita Day and Robbie Thompson for Charlie Bradbury. She gave me strength and made me smile in some very dark days :).

AND THEN season 8 happened and I went feral. Like holy crap! Benny was amazing! We met Eileen! The whole purgatory plot line was awesome! The drama between the brothers and the problems between, well, EVERYBODY had me at the edge of my seat and then that flashback happened to where Cas let go of Dean’s hand and I just went “Oh my god they’re so together holy shit I bet they got together”

Season 8 was my favorite because of all the things. And that season finale will always remain my favorite because Sam, because Crowley, because Castiel, because Eileen, because Dean... I was just staring at my screen going “this is new levels of epic”. So many storylines were happening and I loved how it all came together for that season finale. It was heartbreaking. It made sense. It was a plot twist I never saw coming but made perfect sense to me in every episode and I loved every second of it.

And I was fine with Dean and Cas not being shown as together together because I kept going “they’re there but they’re not ready. There’s too much going on.” And as a baby queer who was always looking for older queer characters (because I love seeing older queer people, it reminds me that being queer was never a fashion thing like my parents say), the possibility of Dean, of Cas, of Sam being queer meant the world to me, because hell yes, it’s super valid to figure out who you are regardless of your age and who you have or haven’t slept with.

Season 9, 10 and 11 came and went and I just kept going “Cas is so fucking in love. Dean is so fucking in love. They love each other so fucking much” because of how much they would do for each other (don’t get me wrong the Cas being homeless storyline broke my ducking heart)

But like, Cas gave up an army for Dean. Dean refused to do anything that would risk Castiel when he was possessed by Lucifer to defeat Amara. Dean’s “attraction” to Amara was very obviously forced from Dean’s part, because it was some sort of spell.

And season eleven had its issues, but I liked it nonetheless.

Then Mexican Netflix took down Supernatural and my only way of watching the show was through YouTube clips and gifs here.

Then I met someone who sent me season 12 and I just kept going “HOLY SHIT HOW”

Because we got Mary, we got the Men of Letters, we got the whole Nephilim storyline and I was losing my shit because I didn’t– I didn’t know how to process it and I admit I hated Mary for the longest time but rewatching Supernatural two years ago gave me more of a chance to understand her and I actually like her now that I saw her grow in the show (I can’t say the same for John).

Then there was Dean and Cas and they were still fighting to keep each other alive (although they fought a lot from what I remember) and it always seemed like they were just on the brink of being together together but it never happened, and I both hated it and loved it because those two still had some growing to do.

Season 13 messed me up. In the best kind of ways.

Also! Throughout the seasons the family and the Supernatural world grew and grew and grew and I just loved seeing these characters. It fucking broke my heart when we’d see an old friend and they would just die by the end of the episode... but still, I loved those characters.

I loved how Supernatural went from a very white, very straight show, to a show with very good representation sprinkled here and there (sometimes).

Supernatural was problematic and sometimes even bad in a lot of ways, but it was that sprinkle of great representation that kept me there. Because family didn’t end in blood, and it didn’t start there either. And that... that was huge to me.

I cried when Eileen, when Charlie, when Kevin, when Missouri, when Bobby and when others died. How couldn’t I? I grew to love them and know them and it hit home when one of them fell.

Season 14 happened. And I was... I was blown away. For the first time ever I felt like Supernatural had truly reached their wall. Like they couldn’t go any further.

And then G.O.D. Himself was the final villain and I lost it.

The meta, the symbolism, the whole concept of free will.

I was in cloud nine with the possibilities of where this all could go.

And I enjoyed season 15. Ups and downs and everything. I really did. 15x18 was the best thing that could’ve happened because Cas went off script one last time and saved Dean simply by living his truth... to me, it was the silence in the last two episodes that hurt me, but not 15x18 itself.

It felt awesome to see Cas be himself without fear and go down with a smile on his face because he felt truly, genuinely happy. I cried like a baby because he was gone, but I felt so happy for him because he was happy. Because I felt seen.

Then the finale happened.

And I’m not gonna lie, it felt like a kick in the face.

Suddenly the family was gone. Suddenly the show was in 2005 again. Suddenly, it was only Sam and Dean and... I don’t know, it just felt so... empty, to me. After years of the guys not being completely on their own, to see them alone again felt, well, it felt wrong. But that’s just me.

I also feel like Chuck went down too easily but that is not important right now😂

I mean, we even had a full blown episode where we were told that an ending where a brother died and the other lived was not a good ending. We had this episode where we were told that Castiel was the living embodiment of Free Will because he was the piece that Chuck never counted on, never took in consideration for the story. Castiel, our Castiel, was the only one who went truly, genuinely off script. And by doing so, he was the one who messed with Chuck’s plans.

And obviously I’m not taking away credit from Sam and Dean and their family. God, I loved watching this story grow.

And this show... this complicated, problematic, somehow still heart filled show, ended with a Heaven ending.

I dunno, I was just hoping that having peace didn’t mean having to die to get it. I was hoping that they wouldn’t be alone in the finale because alone? Sam and Dean are great. But with their family? Sam and Dean are unstoppable.

And I get it, anyone can die at any time, but it still felt wrong. That final episode felt wrong.

I’m not saying I’m right. I’m just sharing my journey with Supernatural.

It took me a month and a half to gain the strength to even watch an episode of Supernatural again without shaking and breaking down crying. It took me a week to get back to some sense of normal without crying and feeling like I’d been slapped in the face.

I can’t even listen to Carry On My Wayward Son anymore 😂

And it’s not okay. It’s not. And I’m not looking for validation or anything. I’m just feeling. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

I still am hurt by what happened. But I’m not gonna go lash out at the actors, or even at the writers. I’m mad at the tv network itself.

And it’s totally, completely okay if you enjoyed the finale. It is! I’m happy for you! You saw something I couldn’t and that’s okay! I’m not here to tell you you’re right or wrong for enjoying it. 💖

What is wrong is hopping on other people’s blogs and sending them hate and slurs and invalidating their feelings (like some certain anons and even people that felt too cozy doing that to me)

I’m gonna keep on trying to move on whether I like it or not. I’m gonna find a way to truly enjoy Supernatural again. I’m gonna keep on shipping and making my tumblr experience good for me, because I’m my number one priority and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m gonna keep making friends and I’m gonna do my best to keep my blog a positive space.

I am warning y’all though: there is a difference between hate and criticism. Me criticizing an actor’s actions is very different from hating them. And let’s be honest, I’m not taking my little opinions outside to the real world. I’m not gonna go knocking on someone’s door yelling “I don’t like you” to their face 😂 that would be pathetic. And most importantly: nothing’s gonna happen to them because little old me went “that was wrong of you to do”.

I’m not that important, y’all 😂 I don’t have that sort of impact on people’s lives.

I’m gonna enjoy the SPN family because that’s the fandom I want to stay in. I’m gonna post love towards all my favorite characters and reblog the fics and art that you talented and amazing people put out on the world because they are awesome.

I’m gonna stay right here. And I’ll have my family with me.

The show ended on a sour note for me, but I’m done letting that... that event, keep dragging me down.

Disasters so far aside, I’m looking forward to the rest of 2021. I’m okay. I’m gonna be okay.

I wish you all the best. And holy crap if you got this far, you are an absolute champ.

Here, have a DeanCas hug in compensation for the long post

Take care of yourself, take it one day at a time. I’m here if any of you want to talk. And I’m looking forward to posting more writing.

For now, I love you and I wish you a good night 💖💖💖💖💖💖

#personal #supernatural #supernatural family #love me some destiel #love me some supernatural #as a treat XD #wow this post was therapeutic #sorry for the long post

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reddogcollar · 3 years

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thinking more if my funny little rewrite thoughts so like. here's an entire run down of what I'd do with season 1 of my pride

under the cut cuz its long and like. warning for like. everything that already happens in the series anyway

starting first! with the naming conventions. so the whole naming scheme is appropriation of indigenous culture. and I'm white so take this one with a grain of salt but replacing that mess with instead the mother naming the cub after a trait after getting to know em would. probably fix it? Like naming a cub Power or Tenacious and. stuff

the names could not only be personality based but just general descriptors. Quick for someone fast, Golden for someone blonde, Cherished for someone especially loved by their mother. Names could also be based off something they want the child to be, like Fearless or Perceptive. naming a child after something they don't start as, but turn out to be instead would make everyone to regard the mother as an especially good one for knowing her child so well. Being wrong would have the opposite effect. Waiting too long would bring scorn, implying you don't spend enough time with your child to think of any name at all.

Prideless lions wouldn't be named by their parents at all, instead given the right to name themselves based on what they think. This leaves room for them to rename themselves as grow and change, something pride lions cant do. Until the cub names themselves, the mother will refer to them with affectionate nickname.

and I think that. fixes that issue. onto plot

I think episode 1 is fine left alone, though all three children would be left unnamed. though I think its weird how quick managed to rip off the skin all around nothing's eye but didn't actually damage it. Like at all. so she's half blind now too.

So they go on lion trial, power saying quick is unfit because he was bested by a cub, so there's no way he could've beat star fairly. sharp calls forth the currently unnamed fire to ask his opinion as a supposed witness. even though I'm pretty sure he ran away before star died? eh <3

despite having the chance to get rid of quick, he says it was fair and quick has earned the pride. whether or not that's true, fire is a devout believer in pride law and a pride without a mane would be worse than a pride lead by a cheating mane.

because nothing and quick each half blinded each other, they go with the law of equivalent exchange. one each gets something from the other. nothing asks for her and her brother's lives to spared, and quick asks that she always takes as little resources as possible

instead of like. skipping 2 years. it would instead actually like. show the childhood. how nothing is ignored by her on mother, and doted on by fire. specifically because he think she's weak. despite doting on her, he also generally ignores her opinions.

even as a little wounded baby she gets the least food and water, enforced by quick and even fire sometimes, rules are rules. some of the unnamed adults will try to cheat this tho and get her more food and water cuz Holy Shit? Dude?

when she's a little older and not. covered in open wounds. the adults more or less stop trying to protect her. she's on her own now, and they have cubs of their own to worry about anyways.

since time is also a resource she gets the least of that too, most notably the least time being trained in anything. hunting, fighting, tracking, she's taught the absolute least.

despite that, she always tries.to do the absolute most. first to volunteer for anything she could theoretically do, last to get picked for any minorly important task. getting ridiculed for doing things slower due to her limp, to the point where she starts trying to just power through the pain to walk normally. it only slows her down and she gets mocked more. fire generally doesn't stand up for her, just makes her lay down

eventually she starts getting out a bit. The younger cubs mock her, their parents don't stop them, her mom never speaks to her unless its to antagonize her, and quick is downright terrifying. despite being healed up, fire never leaves her alone and disregards her when she wants to be alone.

this is how she meets hover, who is now named insightful. bc I just inexplicably cant stand the name Hover for a lion. she thinks she's insightful, but she's kind of just snarky and a little mean without saying anything w real depth, probably bc they're all prepubescent

despite being snarky and a little mean, she's a breath of fresh air to nothing cuz she's yk. not ableist and calls fire out when he starts acting ableist. its a short interaction, and when they're home fire immediately goes to tell his mom there's not only a prideless lion in their territory, but a cub, implying her mother and possibly siblings are around. cuz he's a little bitch

nothing gets into an argument with him over it, she could've been their friend after all, and both fire and her mom yell at her for even thinking about disobeying pride law

not sure what else to do here, so skip to when they're 2 and fires about to be kicked out. they're both still nameless, bringing a lot of bad opinions power's way. she's also required to name at least fire before he leaves. so she sits down, rolls her eyes, and half asses the name fire. quick is about to push him out but nothing interrupts, saying she still needs a name.

power gets annoyed and demands what she could even be named after, her injury? her disregard for the law? her ability to butt in at the most annoying times? nothing sputters, shocked and unable to come up with a response for a moment. before she can, she's named nothing

she protests, and even fire thinks that's a lot. they're both shut down, by power and quick respectively. most of the present adults are shocked, some of the older ones even appalled. none step in though. fire has to go, and nothing leaves toward the watering holes so she doesn't cry in front of her mom. all that stupid shit is internalized though so she starts trying again to support her full weight on her leg no matter how much it hurts. thinking maybe it broke and healed so wrong that it can barely support her now. idk I'm no doctor

she ends up laying down by the water, feeling all bad and in pain. then she notices the crocodile and some other lion and yada yada saves her life. insightful immediately recognizes her and that stops nothing from chasing her off. they catch up a little until they hear someone coming. insightful runs off and farleap, now called jumper comes out of the grass.

she questions nothing, she heard something and she can definitely smell a stranger. nothing lies and said she just chased off a prideless. jumper doesn't seem convinced, but doesn't push it because the stranger is gone, at least. so she just gets her drink and nothing goes home. and that's the day.

next day we can be introduced to feather, now named light. he's the runt of his litter, the lightest color of his siblings, and the light of my life. his name has nothing to do with the reincarnation stuff, which ill get into later. he gets teased for being smaller than his sisters, but keeps up an over energetic, happy mood that children have. he prefers hanging out with nothing though, seeing as she's not gonna be mean to him for being short.

he refuses to leave her alone to the point of finding out when nothing starts sneaking out to see insightful. their little dates go all nice and cute until light jumps out of the bushes scaring the life out of them. nothing freaks out a little because holy fuck? quick's son just found her out? oh god oh fuck! insightful is just amused though, because children are funny.

they make light swear to keep it a secret, and he promises. as long as nothing lets him go with her whenever he wants, because its fun breaking the rules and being out at night. it's a little less fun third wheeling on your cousin's date when you're like 7 but its fine cuz insightful plays with him

everyone thinks its pretty weird how both nothing and light are getting exhausted in the middle of the day, and jumper is still on that "I don't believe that you chased that prideless off" stuff, and eventually convinces power of increasing like patrol or whatever, and everyone keeps their guard up, making it harder for nothing and insightful to meet

this spurs nothing to ask insightful to join, to which insightful asks her to leave the prides and go with her. nothing says she doesn't want insightful to just have to take care of her and it goes back and forth and its a whole thing. it turns into an argument and they part ways for the night before it can escalate further.

the next morning, insightful has shown up and is asking to join. mostly so she can spend more time trying to convince nothing to leave the prides with her.

they get convinced and she is stripped of her name immediately. either quick or power will rename her when they come with something suitable. of course she is. upset as all hell. she swallows it though, since she's never seen nothing so happy. light is ecstatic, also, cuz he thinks she is cool.

go through some time showing insightful being worn down by pride life, nothing still continuing to practically destroy her body to make herself palatable, and light being downright bullied because he's still smaller than his everyone his age. quick even starts looking down on his son cuz Why Is He Still So Small? light begins to resent his father, and pride life a little.

jumper is rude as hell, naturally. except this time insightful actually stands up for nothing by cuz holy shit? that's your girlfriend why wouldn't you help her?

we can also implement the homophobia rule here. because of course power is a homophobe. would you expect anything less??

and yeah that's the vibe until nothing is left with some unnamed lion to look after the children while everyone else is off doing things that are important. she goes off for a drink and light follows her because of course he does. yadda yadda fire is back for a visit cuz he thinks nothing is like. useless and can't survive without him. their little visit goes down light thinks its so cool to meet a bunch of prideless men yk yk

on their way back they run into quick, who is followed by power and insightful. that unnamed lion with the other children said nothing and light had been gone for a long time and quick is pissed off cuz that's his only son n she just took him off for a jaunt.

he's yelling at her and insightful is about to interject before she's stopped by power, and light interrupts his dad to tell him about fire's group. cuz hey it'll make him leave them alone so like? go off??

nothing gets pissed off at him though because he just sent his murderous father off to kill her brother. rude or not he's still important to her. she and power have their interaction, power whining about how much she "loves" her children, you know. except nothing disowns her. power gets called out and yk yk. its a whole thing and gives nothing some of the agency she lost over the years

then she goes off to find quick, insightful follows her to help, and light follows them because he feels bad.

quick is dead, proud is a dick, light is hidden away in this scene. it goes much the same except light is seeing his father's corpse for himself and insightful is there negotiating their lives alongside nothing. also threatening proud

they yet away with their lives and run as far away as possible just in case he comes after light. nothing may be annoyed but letting your small cousin be murdered isn't cool

so they go off to find fire. its important to nothing cuz ykkk he's her last living sibling and as far as she's concerned, her remaining immediate family. he treats her how he does cuz he loves her, right? right. right?

nothing lives on the stretch how she lived in the prides, taking as little as possible of everything. insightful starts trying to get her to eat more before she like. drops dead. but its hard bc yk internalized self hatred is a vibe. they stay hot on fire's trail, until they come across some bones, a lot of blood, and the eaten remains of tangle. I'm making that plot point more fucked up.

everyone is of course freaked out, and insightful immediately takes it on herself to make sure nothing and light have some skill in fighting cuz Oh My God! they each play to their strengths, and it's like typical training montage. I like to think that with nothing's bad leg opponents would naturally try to take advantage of her balance, and which point she could rear up on her hind legs and then unexpectedly just crash down onto her opponent with her full weight. idk I've never seen a lion fight.

so yeah they eventually find fire and light and insightful are like. not trusting him at all, they suspect him. nothing isn't so hasty with the blame, cannibalism is a lot to accuse your brother of. fire says that if he takes over the nearest pride, he can change her name due to her time as a prideless lion.

as discussed, light objects. he thinks she should be able to choose her own name. pride or not. fire the devout follower of pride law didn't like that

they kill that old man, fire demands the pride, moonstrike (now striker) denies him and he's like. "You cant do that. That's illegal" and striker claims he couldn't have beaten her mate in fair combat after getting his ass kicked the first time. plus he's got some random child that isn't his

he takes that as "kill the kid" and yk. goes after light. nothing's reaction time is normal now though and barrels into him before he can rip lights throat out. he's still gravely wounded though, so much so that insightful is fully occupied trying to keep him alive.

nothing and fire square off, fire is ableist, nothing challenges him. You know. except this time she kills him. she gets him on his back and cuts him open, guts everywhere. no Ghost scene.

Injured and horrified, she lays down. she's like. going to have a breakdown. she just killed her brother, light may be dead, these strangers won't quit staring at her, its not good. episode end.

cut to like next morning and nothing's injuries are being taken care of at the same time as light's. insightful is in there with em talking with striker. noticing she's up, striker asks her name. I'm still not sure what I'd want her to change it to but she does change it. perhaps Enough?

idk idk either way, she doesn't get the pride. she beat fire but it wasn't his to give. however, striker offers them all a place there, including light. boom season 1 end

#Tumblr did unimaginable things to this post

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thetriggeredhappy · 4 years

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angst&hurt/comfort, where scout is anxious and doubts his skills, so he tries to calm himself by holding/hugging/whatever his plushie (or something else, idk), whilst someone is trying to get to him, to make him confess what is bothering him? idk if you wanna make it a ship ir maybe dad spy, ily -🦂

oh dude you already KNOW dad!spy hours are 24/7 up in here. welcome to “projecting RSD onto Scout TF2 episode 85″

Stupid summer, stupid break, stupid losing streak. Stupid everything.

Usually Scout was excited about breaks. A week or so of getting to be off work, heading home to visit family or going on a road trip or whatever was happening. It was nice, he loved it. But this time they had explicit orders from their boss not to go anywhere or do anything. To stay on base or to go specifically exclusively to the store in the nearest town for food or whatever. He hated it. The base was too small to hang out in for more than a few days at a time. He hated it.

And not to mention that they’d finished off work on a bad note. A day of losses turning into a week of losses, half the team scrambling to try and pull together enough to get one last good push in before the break and the other half deciding to just accept the loss and do better once they got back.

And every day after battle Soldier would single out someone who wasn’t on top of their game and lecture them. And all week, instead of going for the people who were largely slacking off and not breaking their necks to try and get them some actual wins, he went after Scout, who was so frantic that he kept making stupid mistakes.

And he just... usually he argued about it, and got in a fight with Soldier, but he just... didn’t have the energy for it. The day was over. They’d lost. And Scout knew it wasn’t entirely his fault, but it kind of felt like it. Maybe if he’d tried just a little bit harder, pushed himself just a little further, he could’ve gotten the rest of the team motivated. Maybe they all would’ve picked things back up and tried too. But he couldn’t do it.

It was frustrating. He knew his job, beyond what he did on the field, was trying to keep morale up. He kept music playing, he was always up for hanging out or playing a few hands of poker or headed into town with someone to get shitty fast food. And he tried really hard to be funny and to keep things lighthearted, tried so fucking hard to keep spirits up. And he knew if he said anything about it, pointed out how literally like all of his time was spent trying to make sure everyone was feeling okay, it would...

He didn’t know. Maybe they’d just tell him off for being whiny or whatever. Maybe it would stop working so well, if they knew he was always doing it so extremely on purpose, so intentionally. He didn’t know.

But at that moment, he was feeling so much like utter garbage that he knew he had to just avoid the team so he didn’t drag the mood down further. Usually they didn’t really miss him anyways, other than idly asking if he’d gotten into any trouble while he was off doing “whatever he did”. All he knew was that him feeling like shit around everyone else would just make them feel bad too. And it was break anyways—maybe they’d just end up feeling better on their own. Especially since he wasn’t around to interrupt them.

He had plenty of food in his room, mostly chips and candy bars and stuff like that, stuff he didn’t want the guys stealing. And he’d totally share if they asked, for sure, but for that moment he was mostly just digging through the hoard for himself and doing not much of anything else.

He felt like kind of an idiot, sitting alone and eating his feelings like some kind of angsty teen in a movie or the chick in the romcom who just got broken up with. But there was nobody there to ridicule him except himself. And he did, but... the point stood.

A few days passed like that. He had food, he had the little bathroom connected to his room, he had comics to entertain himself. He slept a lot, mostly. Felt like garbage. Read some comics. Ate chocolate about it. Slept some more. He left a few times to do a few assorted things—called home like he did every week, went into the common room late one night to grab some of his records back so he could listen to them.

At one point, he got a knock on his door. He didn’t answer, couldn’t seem to find the energy to. A second knock when the first was unanswered after about twenty seconds. He still didn’t move.

The next day, another knock. This one was accompanied by words. “Scout? I know you’re in there,” Spy called, sounding annoyed.

To be honest, Scout was pretty sure he didn’t have the energy to deal with whatever Spy was about to lecture him about. So he just rolled over.

“You’ve missed every team meal for almost four days. You’re being rude,” Spy declared.

Scout reached off the side of the bed and picked up a plushie that had fallen down. It was a big, chunky pig, and he’d won it when he and Pyro had gone out to a fair and he’d knocked the ball toss game out of the park. Pyro had taken three of the plushies he’d won, and insisted he keep the fourth for himself.

He felt like even more of a dumb baby, sitting there cradling a stuffed animal like he was scared to head off to his first day of kindergarten, but he was already too tired and filled with vague unrest for it to get to him much.

At some point he heard a heavy sigh and the clack of fancy shoes moving away down the hallway, and Scout relaxed.

Twenty minutes later, a knock.

“Scout, let me in,” Spy said firmly.

“Fuck off, Spy,” Scout snapped.

“Scout, if you don’t open the door, I’m going to,” Spy declared.

“Bullshit.”

A heavy sigh, and then a few moments later the door swung open.

“What the fuck?” Scout asked, lifting his head to glare towards the door as Spy stepped inside.

“I know how to pick locks, Scout. You know this.” Spy squinted to try to get used to the light, the blinds having been drawn. “I’m turning a light on.”

Scout just grumbled, dropping his head back into the plush pig. In his periphery, the light was indeed turned on. There was a beat of silence.

“I brought a plate from dinner. I was concerned you would get scurvy, since you now apparently have the diet of an eight year old child who was given a hundred dollars and left unsupervised at the grocery store,” Spy said dryly.

“I don’t want your fuckin’ handouts, Spy,” Scout muttered, muffled.

“It’s not a handout, it’s the fact that I refuse to have anyone on the team besides me whose teeth are falling out. Take the food.”

“Fuck off.”

Spy sighed again, and after a moment he moved to put the plate on the bedside table. Scout prickled at the proximity, but didn’t give him the satisfaction of looking up.

“I noticed that while you haven’t been at dinner, you still took the time to leave a thumb tack on my chair. Usually when you do that it’s because you’re angry with me. What exactly have I done?”

“I’m not mad at you, I’m just mad,” Scout grumbled.

“You know, it’s very childish to refuse to look at someone when they are trying to talk to you.”

“Guess I’ll just keep being the dumb idiot kid of the team then, huh?” Scout snapped.

Silence for a moment. “Scout. You’ve locked yourself away in your room and refused to come out again for several days. I know that something is wrong. The team does too—they’re starting to worry.”

“That might just be the most obvious lie you’ve ever fuckin’ told me, Spy,” Scout practically spat, and was glad to have his voice muffled, because suddenly it went a little tight.

“Is it that hard to believe that perhaps your teammates care about you?” Spy asked, a little sharply.

“It’s me, in case you haven’t noticed,” Scout said next, getting his voice back under control. “People don’t hang around me on purpose. They put up with me. And then they stop putting up with me at some point.”

“That’s not true,” Spy said, tone leaving no room for argument, but Scout elbowed some argument in anyways.

“All seven of my brothers, every fuckin’ date I’ve ever been on, the standing ban sayin’ I can’t go in Engie’s workshop or in Heavy’s workspace down by the boiler or the infirmary unless I’m actually seriously injured—“ Scout listed off, ticking off on his fingers, keeping his face hidden. “My own fucking dad decided he couldn’t fucking stand me and I was two years old, Spy, what the hell does that tell you? I’m an annoying little piece of shit and that’s all I’m ever gonna be and then one of these days I’m gonna die for real out in this hellhole desert and ain’t a single damn person out here will have ever even bothered to learn the name that’s supposed to go on my gravestone.”

Dead silence in the room. Scout’s arm fell back down by his side. His voice was shaky when he spoke again.

“Nobody’s ever even asked,” he managed. “Demo’s real name is Tavish, Heavy’s real name is Mikhal but his sisters call him Misha. And plenty of you guys get asked about it all the time but you don’t wanna say. And nobody’s ever even fuckin’ asked me.”

Silence for a few more seconds.

“I’m a whole person,” Scout said next. “I’m really into sci-fi. I’ve read every mainline issue comic book ever published after ‘35. I know how to cook and draw and I know the all the stats of every person on every major league baseball team. I was in theater in high school between track and baseball season in the winters and I and got a lead role on some Shakespearicles thing before it got cancelled because of budget cuts. I bet you didn’t even know that.”

“I didn’t,” Spy admitted.

“And why would you? Who the fuck cares? It’s just dumb scrawny idiot Scout, who the fuck cares what his deal is? He can barely do his job and read any word that’s over four syllables, who cares what he does? He ain’t nothin’ today, he must never have been somethin’ in the first place.”

“Scout—“

“Tell me I’m wrong, Spy,” he snapped, voice cracking down the middle.

“You’re wrong. Scout, what’s going on?” Spy asked, and his voice sounded closer, like he’d taken a knee. “What happened?”

He understood, logically, that telling Spy damn near anything was a bad idea. He sold information for a living. But logic hadn’t ever been much help to him, and anyways, he was pretty sure he was about to break down either way, and he could either cry like a dumb little baby and Spy could go to the rest of the team and tell them about stupid Scout and his crying for no reason, or he could at least sort of maybe a little bit sound justified and a little bit less completely unhinged.

“We lost all week because I fuckin’ suck at my job, and we don’t get to go off base for some goddamn reason, and I miss my family, and I—“ God damn it, he hoped to at least get to a second sentence before he broke, but here came the waterworks. “—and I know the team doesn’t give a shit, and if they even noticed they probably think I’m being some idiot baby, and I’m just so fuckin’ tired of all of this, alright? I’m just so goddamn exhausted, all the time, and no matter what I do I can’t make my own stupid, shitty, broken-ass brain shut up, and I...”

There was a hand on his shoulder, now. For some reason that’s what unstuck the sob in his throat.

“And I just miss my mom,” he managed, and sobbed again. “And I know that just makes me a stupid fucking baby—“

“Scout, it doesn’t,” Spy said firmly.

“Bullshit.”

A sigh, less exasperated than the others. “Scout, I miss my own parents. Often. Heavy writes to his mother, the Bushman calls home once a week and stays on the phone for an hour at a time. Do you think they would do that if they didn’t miss them?”

Scout couldn’t seem to find his voice, and just sniffled a little.

“If anything, it’s good that you miss your mother. You are appreciating her now, while she’s still part of your life, rather than later on when she’s gone. That’s a good thing.”

“Here I am cryin’ over dumb shit—“

“The fact that you’re even capable of tears shows that you haven’t completely sealed yourself off from your emotions like several of our testosterone-puppet teammates. I’m fairly certain that Medic surgically removed his own tear ducts. I think Soldier is so dehydrated that he’s incapable of it. And rather than sweat he needs to cover himself in liquid-like food products or else he’ll die of heat stroke.”

Despite everything, that made Scout laugh, just a little. More of a hiccup than anything else.

“Admittedly, you have greater social needs than several of our team, and they need to take breaks. Not just from you, but from everyone. It’s part of being human, everyone requires some amount of time alone or else they start losing their minds. But that doesn’t mean that they don’t care about you—value the things you do for this team, even. Every time someone would like company when going in to town for any reason, they always ask me where you are. And you’ve given good film recommendations to everyone except for the Sniper.”

“Guy hates movies,” Scout defended weakly.

“You keep recommending horror films. As it turns out, he is a fan of romantic comedies.”

“Fuckin’ what? Seriously?”

“I was shocked too. His complete lack of taste in all areas of his life continues to amaze me.”

Scout scoffed at that. A beat of silence.

“What I am saying is that the team doesn’t simply put up with you. You’re impossible to simply put up with, you take up too big a part of everyone’s life here. Instead, they must like and respect you.” A pause. “And your father must have truly been an idiot. Anyone with two eyes would be proud of the challenges you’ve faced and overcome with all of the disadvantages you’ve been dealt over your lifetime.”

Scout sniffled, wiped his eyes with his forearm, finally managed to look up at Spy. “Anyone with two eyes? You sayin’ you’re proud of me, then?” he asked, even if it was a little shaky.

“I feel no strong emotions,” Spy deadpanned.

“Alright, nevermind about earlier. That’s the most obvious lie you’ve ever told me.”

Spy rolled his eyes, standing, brushing off the knee of his suit.

Scout looked at the plate, made a face. “Aw man, what the fuck, is that asparagus? Is Medic back on trying to make us eat healthy again?”

“The Engineer cooked it, stop complaining and just eat it,” Spy said, quickly falling back into his role of naggy just on the near side of patronizing.

“C’mon, it couldn’t have been like, mashed potatoes or broccoli or somethin’?”

“You always douse those things in salt and butter. That combined with the energy drinks means you’re going to get a heart condition before I do.”

“Just get the fuck outta my room, Spy,” Scout huffed, putting the stuffed animal aside and moving to pick up the plate and utensils.

“Very well. And go talk to Demoman at some point, he’s been whining about nobody wanting to go get fast food with him for two days,” Spy said as he walked to the door. “And you can’t borrow my car to go.”

“Fuck you, Spy,” Scout said flippantly, waving him off.

“Fuck you too,” Spy said just as casually, and made sure to close the door behind him.

#tf2 #team fortress 2 #dad!spy #shut up me #my fanfiction #everybody talks #unrelated to this fic but requests might be a little slow for the next few days. life just got real busy for me

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