#it baffles me how i still get notes on the post everyday

[shuamorollss]

unfortunate unexpectations — l.hs x f!reader

In an everyday attempt to avoid the man you eternally loath. Of course, the universe isn't always by your side as you accidentally reach a dead end, with no other choice but to dance with him.

romcom, regency era, enemies2lovers, just cute bickering warnings— not proofread, first time writing this kind of trope pls bear with me. 2.6k wc + reblogs are greatly appreciated!

author's note— I'm back again with another piece ( I'll disappear for a few months after this)! I wrote this exactly on Hee's bday but I only decided to post it now since i didn't really feel satisfied with this when i finished this a few days ago :/ i still don't so I may delete this when I'm in the mood to make changes ^_^ BUT HERE IT IS!! Happy belated birthday to my hubby wubby @Heeseung 😅❤️❤️

perm tags— @jangwonie @jungwonize @luhvlyuna @w3bqrl @ineedaherosavemeenow @leaderwon

"Would you be so kind and get that for me?"

Oh how annoying. You thought, gently tricking your finger up to block your ears and releasing in an instant, wanting the bothering itchiness to fade. His arms stretched beside you reaching to the the man holding a tray with glasses of wine.

Oh how you knew he did it intentionally.

Heeseung's boldness to give you an order was extraordinary, baffling even. You were not in a higher position than him, and he wasn't much higher than you, though he was just there, and heeseung didn't want to play the "he was just there" role in your life. He always feels the need to spite you at any given time, similar to a cricket making noises while you attempt to sleep.

Though much to his dismay, you certainly do show his own place as just a nobody in your existence; to which he never seems to catch the hint of your unintrestment.

Or he might do, only walking in and out of your life in terms of spitting utter nonsense to your peace.

Honestly, it did work. It made you fume and it certainly made you want to do more than just give out the usual glare and other threatening expressions to the other.

You turn around with utter confidence, meeting the man's eyes unbothered. Your eyes observed his structure, his unfortunately dashing attire, and his pretentious face.

As you check out the details of his sleeves, your eyes darted to Heeseung's exact shift of expression, smirking.

It was certainly expected, yet so mind flaming. You'd rather just explode right then and there than to keep up with whatever he wants to pull to you.

"You know, if a lady looks at someone from head to toe for too long it must mean that they yearn for that someone." He lets out a prideful scoff, eyes mockingly going through you as he sips from the wine glass.

Disbelief in what you heard, you halted your eyes from any further notice. Proceeding to roll your eyes at the man who had unknowingly tinted your cheeks red.

"Don't be silly, I was looking at your outfit. Actually baffling but not surprising for you to wear something so… Eye-vomiting." you spit. Twirling against his view and proceeding to waltz away from his standing figure, not setting a single glance at the man behind you. A fuming smoke sets up your chest at the realization of what you had just done to that awful of a man.

You explore more of the manor by yourself, enthralled by every piece of art plastered on the clean walls. You found an inner piece at the volume of the hallway, no noble bands performing and people crowding the room as they tap their feets and hearts out, it is truly a wonder to feel.

"Lady Y/N!"

Of course, every pinch of euphoria has their cut to its end, as one of your acquaintances calls you out.

"Oh, Lady… Lily? Was it?" You asked softly and loudly, as the woman clicked her heels towards you.

The girl smiles, "Oh yes! Though please, just call me Li."

"Alright, Lady Li."

…

For moments to what felt like hours, chit-chatting with Lady Li as you both walk around the manor corridors. The both of you had now reached your very destination which was the party itself that you so desperately want to be separated with.

You timidly smile at the girl beside you, eyes widened agitatedly at the crowd. "Uhm, Lady Li," The other nodded, her eyes also seemed to be searching through the sea of nobles.

"Why did we decide to return to this room?"

Lily simpers her smile as her eyes turn fixated on one figure, "There he is!— Thank you so much Lady Y/N for keeping me company through the manor." She gives you thanks, walking away with delight eventually linking arms with a man who Lady Li might have been searching for. great.

Another woman infested with men's validation, how unfortunate.

Your eyebrows furrow as you stare at the couple in disbelief, letting out a brief sigh at the thought of almost every woman here might be just like that.

"Feeling all bitter now, are we Lady Y/N?", you trembled at the sensation of his teasing breath tickling your ear.

"What on— oh... it's you again."

"The one and only." Heeseung lets out a ridiculous triumphant smile, the smile that makes you feel itchy in all aspects of your body, it was extremely bothersome reaching to the point you would rip your hair out to the unspeakable rage you feel for the male.

"Don't make that face now, a real lady doesn't do that, well— that is, if you are even a lady." He chuckled, always digging deeper into your little actions in an attempt to reach you to the edge. How delightful.

"Your words remind me so much of my younger brother's pitiful counters." You face the opposite once more, your heartbeat slowing down at each step you take far from Heeseung, hoping to have a similar instance from earlier to happen once more.

Unfortunately, the things one desires don't really happen twice. As you hear the footsteps of the man through the crowded noise, the only shattered expectation you wish did not.

"Oh so I remind you of your family now? How thoughtful." His smirk added to his audacious response that could be sensed at such a distance you didn't even know was possible without even taking another look.

"It means you're just as annoying as my brother, don't take it as a compliment."

"I presume older sisters still love their annoying brothers nevertheless, so that must mean you secretly feel that way for me too if I remind you so much of your annoying brother."

"Oh how great, you can go stay in your own personal pride zone Mr. Lee, though that zone, will tell you to cut it out very soon."

"I doubt that, I think I can sense what's true and not true."

"Being ever so ethical now, aren't you?"

"You know what they say… I am that of a gentleman."

"Well so ethical now anymore, 'cause, you see… you claim to be a gentleman which in fact is ridiculously wrong, no, you're not a gentleman."

"Okay lady, I figured that was a mouthful to sneer."

Your eyes widened, subconsciously sighing aggravatingly, utterly lost of the others' words. "Please don't follow me."

"I'm not following you."

"You are? Don't make me feel stupid."

"I don't think I'm doing that."

You continued to walk further and further, you don't know where, it could be just anywhere to be out of this man's grasp.

not even reaching an uncomfortable minute of making your way, Heeseung finally made it way up to you for god-know-what reason.

Only a few more threads left to untangle until you implode, besides showing this man what you're capable of doing, you weren't about to do anything in front of hundreds of people.

You swiftly turn to face the man following, "Look Mr. Lee, don't even attempt to come and step closer—" the hissy grin never ever fading from his look. Before you snap even further, you raise your head as the lights suddenly turn dim, the current music start to tone down as the band plays a new mellow romance.

The both of you faced your worries, silently questioning the sudden change of atmosphere.

"Now, it is time for the party where the gentleman… dances with the first lady they set their eyes on, Amuse-toi bien!"

…

..

.

His eyes were on you, and yours on him. Slowly developing the idea you most certainly would refuse to believe.

"No." You shook your head promptly with no hesitation.

"Y/N."

"No, don't even"

"Y/N—"

"No. Not ever. Never in my life. Never in a millennia. You can serve the mediocrity of mediocrity— I am not even paying attention to what I'm saying, but just so you know, I am not dancing with you."

You groaned continuously at his spews, this chit chatter going nowhere at all. Heeseung was also growing exhausted of your opposed responses. Hearing your never ending hatred for him is never known to him, although being in this position during an all rounded dance segment, he was not about to embarrass himself in front of such nobilities.

"Y/N just—" His hand abruptly slid up your waist sending your internal nerves through every stage of shockwaves.

"What are you—" Your words began to halt from his tightened grip, slowly putting power on pulling you closer… and closer… too close to say the least.

"Just this once, we don't want to leave a bad impression at a party we're just mere visitors at." His breath fanned your neck and sent shivers down your spine. Truly a feeling between his embrace that you have never felt before.

Too much of a guilt to even feel, considering this is the man you swore your whole life to loath yet here you are. No other way of escape out of this man's grasp, other than to spend a minute and more with him following the melodious rhythm serenading within the whole room.

"Fine. This doesn't change the fact that I want to scar my name on your face."

"How romantic." His lips curved sarcastically, eyes shifts into pure mockery as it lays on you. You couldn't say if you were teased by his softly menacing gaze or comforted by it. Eitherway, you couldn't register the right words.

"Besides," Heeseung continues, eyes darting away from yours, looking elsewhere within the ballroom, suddenly a light flashes your vision, snapping you back to your current position, right in front of Lee Heeseung.

"I don't even think we could get away from this anyway, we're literally in the middle of the dance floor." His head shifts in every direction to deem his assumption correct, which you mirrored.

It's true, the both of your are really in the middle of the ballroom.

You felt blockage on your throat, as if your vocal chords refused to spit words out of your mouth. The close proximity between you and Heeseung felt extremely new, you wanted to escape it so quickly yet, quite in a state of culture shock of his careful and kind demeanor as his every step to the rhythm of the music are seemingly careful not to make a mistake or you could say in other words, step on you.

The distance soothes, your hands still intact as the both of you walk in circles. His gaze locked onto you as if a man had seen the beauty of the moon for the very first time. He was allured, not only to the sight of your eyes but also your entire attire.

Who was he kidding? He was making fun of how you looked earlier, or was it you who taunted his? Even he couldn't remember. What is this contact causing him?

His eyes followed the direction of your eyes shifting all the way to your linked hands rising, following the rhythm and everyone else's. Only then Heeseung was able to return to his composure.

Being quiet with you didn't exactly make him feel like himself. It's indeed a peculiar case, his eyes fixated on your focused figure attempting for a thought, any words, any attacks, frankly quite anything.

"I feel conceived Lady Y/N," He started, your eyes now transferring to the man.

"Did you walk all the way here on purpose just to lure me in this dance?" He smirks, deeply hoping he did not look ridiculous in your eyes, which in fact, he did look ridiculous to you, though in basic sense, he always does.

You scoffed, "Don't be such a crude, I was walking away from you, or if you didn't understand that, I was escaping you. however, you followed me. If anything, you expected this dance to happen beforehand." You sneered at your words, feeling vastly proud of regaining the upper hand.

"Now now, shifting the blame onto me?" He jokingly asked, swaying forward and backward, then continuing to circle in unison.

"Well, I couldn't be wrong." Your raised your brows at the man, receiving a tuneful chuckle.

"You're ever so ethical now aren't you?"

you scoffed, "Touché."

After a few warm-hearted rhythms, the distance slowly basking in, his hand starts to tenderly slide from your hand up to your shoulder. Now facing your back at a dangerously close proximity. The way his fingertips barely made contact onto your skin yet it still tickled, sending you into unreasonable wonders.

Lee Heeseung? Sending you to unreasonable wonders?

"What if I tell you that I really expected this dance to happen and followed you to be able to have this dance with you?" he breathes out.

Your mind stood place, frozen. It couldn't function solely because of those words.

You knew this was his tactic of his obvious teasing yet... that had sent your heart into places you did not expect for it to reach. Your breathing abruptly stopping at every emphasis you place into his words.

It wasn't any different for the man, he was hellishly anxious.

The way his hand stood still on your shoulder, then slowly sliding it down to your hand the same thing he had done at the start. He felt crazy, he couldn't grasp the feeling whether he's disgusted at this contact or was it, satisfactory?

Heeseung's breath unawaringly hitched in unison to yours.

The high-rising tension the both of you are desperate to escape yet… would embrace it more long.

As Heeseung's hand reached your hand, the distance once more soothes, or did soothe for you? Did it to him?

One spin had the same closeness return, now you two are entirely facing each other.

How did this moment feel too slow? normally the dance routine did not walk this type of pace before, usually it happens quickly before the music finally comes to its end.

The silence echoed immediately through the other's ears, having the slight worry of gkving you discomfort.

Worried? Heeseung, really?

Heeseung lets himself battle his own internal conflicts as the outer silence continued. You were in a desperate measure of developing a genius idea for a comeback yet none came into mind. The unexplained whimsical threw you off, the fact this man had to send you in this type of frenzy was never in your lists of expectations.

Yet now, at this very moment, changed your very view on your surroundings.

All because of this very man you swore to loath ever since his eyes laid on you.

One last twirl to the maiden as the band's instruments faded into the void, completing the romantic waltz.

As everyone in the middle applauded their elegant and coordinated routine just now, both you and heeseung processed your breathledd tension just earlier.

Finally having all the words reached the right parts of your brain, finally having control of your conscious, your hatred to the man came back with it.

"Aww, you really do feel deep adoration for me, Lee Heeseung." you politely curtsied. contrasting to the tone of your voice, as you reply to the man's words from a few minutes back.

Heeseung lets out a chuckle, "You know what? Maybe I do have a thing for such abominations."

"Haha. Aren't you a clever guy." You gave him a wide infuriating smile, as you turn around walking away from his presence, now leaving the man at the middle of the dance floor.

It was a peculiar state for you. You swore you completely lie instense hatred for the man, yet now you're smiling at his mere words that usually drives you to banging your head on the wall, sometimes the urge to bang his head on the wall.

Yet what happened just earlier felt, extremely out of place, something you couldn't quite explain for the time being.

You were conflicted about being bothered by it.

How it bothered your feelings, bothered you deeply.

A memory that surely the both of you would engrave in later lifetime.

.

..

...

"Wow, she called me clever."

© seungiepup. please do not modify, edit, copy or reproduce any of the works published.

#enhanet #enhypenwriters #k labels #heeseung x reader #enhypen x reader #lee heeseung x reader #heeseung fluff #enhypen fluff #lee heeseung fluff #lee heeseung imagines #heeseung imagines #enhypen imagines #lee heeseung #enhypen heeseung

[geddy-leesbian]

migraine pill induced RE2 AU Serrennedy with twins drabble

(you can tell I wasn't fully in my right mind when I wrote it because there's no angst)

note: one twin was named Severa when I first posted this, but after discovering a more appropriate namesake I decided to change her name to Carmen :3

Leon's at work. Sherry's at school. Neither of the babies were crying. Rita was still awake and a bit cranky, but Luis was in the rocking chair holding her, and she'd fall asleep soon. Carmen was already asleep, in her little bassinet that Luis gently rocked with his foot. It's the quiet moments like this one, as few and far between as they are, that make Luis ask himself "How is this my life? What the fuck happened?"

It's not that he dislikes it– He loves it. He wouldn't trade it for anything. He's just baffled at how it happened, how much he changed, and so quickly. 

Two years ago, he was ambitious and eager to climb the career ladder. Even after he was beginning to feel lukewarm about Umbrella, he still had his sights set on doing something big, even if it was for a different company. As far as his love life went, he had been allergic to commitment, sticking to hookups. He couldn't say he was opposed to having kids, but only because he had literally never even began to think about if he wanted them.

Now he's living with his boyfriend. He has three daughters. Currently, not really any career to speak of. He's a stay at home dad, and completely satisfied with that.

He actually had gotten a job at a lab again for a while. But then they decided to add a baby to their family. Luis had planned to put the baby in daycare so he could keep working, but then they found out they were having twins, and that finding a decent daycare with two open slots was far more difficult than they ever would have expected. (And it certainly didn't help that Luis and Leon both had overprotective streaks, and if a perfect daycare option existed they probably would have found some stupid excuse not to send the twins.) Leon was far more passionate about his own job than Luis was, so as soon as the doctor said Leon was recovered from the c-section enough for him to go back, he did. 

And then Luis was more than happy to quit his job, and take care of the twins. He still had his passion for biology, but ever since Raccoon City, labs tend to make him just a bit uneasy.

Being a stay at home dad to Sherry had been easy, but two really little babies were a very different story. It was truly a full-time job, but taking care of them gave him so much more fulfillment than being in a lab ever could nowadays. (And if someone told him two years ago that he would think that some day, he would have just laughed and thought it was completely insane.)

He had thought about other career options, mostly teaching. That would let him indulge his passion and make use of his degree, while getting to be a good influence for kids, without the uneasiness lab research gave him now. But that was a long ways away, it wouldn't be until the twins were older. 

And just like that, the quiet moment is over. Rita was only getting fussier, not any sleepier or more relaxed. Luis starts to sing to her too, hoping that adding that on top of the rocking will be enough to get her to settle down and sleep. No dice. Luis sighs and gets up to leave the nursery, afraid that Rita will start crying loudly enough to wake up her sister.

Diaper is clean. She's not hungry.

“You just want Daddy, don't you? I know you like him more than me,” He glances at the clock on the oven as he speaks. “He'll be home soon. You know, I don't mind that you like him more. That mean you're going to try to be like him, keep his eyes? I hope you do. He's stupid sometimes, but he has pretty eyes.”

Both babies had been born with blue eyes like Leon's, but Carmen's were already starting to darken, looking more and more like Luis's everyday. Rita's were still blue now, but there was plenty of time left for them to change.

And there's Leon, finally. Luis kind of feels like a 1950's housewife, a baby in his arms, running to the door to greet his "husband" with a kiss. 

“Perfect timing. I can't get her to sleep.”

“Well, of course you can't,” Leon says, taking Rita from Luis. “She doesn't like you because she knows you wanted to name her after a drink.”

“Hey, we've been through this! Margarita is a fine name! Not my fault Americans can only think of alcohol when they hear it.”

“Can't argue with evidence though,” Leon says in a hushed voice, because Rita's eyes are already getting sleepy and starting to close. “She's falling asleep for me just because I took a stand and wouldn't let you name her Margarita.”

Luis gives his best over dramatic eye roll. This was just one of their many joke arguments they liked to repeat. When Luis had brought up the name, Leon had vetoed it, but gently, saying he didn't dislike the name, but that other people would make fun of it. Leon had even been the one to suggest just using a shortened version, rather than ruling out the name completely. But they both had fun bickering and teasing each other, so Leon pretended to despise the name.

And Luis will get his revenge when Carmen inevitably spits up on Leon as soon as he picks her up. She definitely likes Luis more.

#if anything doesn't make sense remind urself that i wrote this while phasing in and out of reality from a migraine pill #i didn't know anything abt them but from their wikipedia pages they sound like neat ppl luis would name his kids after #also im bad at names i just plucked a couple famous scientists from spain from wikipedia bc luis probably would give his kids nerdy names #i went w Severo Ochoa and Margarita Salas #i changed severa's name after discovering María del Carmen Maroto. a spanish scientist known for her work in microbiology and parasitology #luis serra #serennedy #serrennedy #𝑛𝑜𝑤 𝑦𝑜𝑢'𝑟𝑒 𝑝𝑎𝑟𝑡 𝑜𝑓 𝑚𝑦 𝑙𝑖𝑓𝑒. 𝐼 𝑐𝑎𝑛'𝑡 𝑏𝑒𝑙𝑖𝑒𝑣𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑖𝑠 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒆. #think im missing tags but im 2 sleepy to figure it out

[skzxlevanter]

coffee for two

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notes: bang chan x gender neutral reader, reader is a foreign barista, fluff, no warnings (please tell me if i missed somethig)

wc: 1.115k

this is a repost from my original post , but i changed several things and went over it

the story is also available on wattpad

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part one : late night coffee

you didn't really know how you got to this point, but seeing yourself working in a small café in seoul, was something you never thought you'd do. but here you are, selling coffee to pay of your rent while staying here to study.

you had been living here for about six months now and even though there were many people coming into the café everyday, there was this one particular boy that grabbed your attention.

you couldn't really tell what it was about him,but what you were sure about is that he's sleep deprived way too often. he comes into the cafe at inhumane times, always ordering an americano with extra expresso shots. sometimes even seveeral coffees to drink them in the span of the day, which actually made you slightly concerned.

and this evening,  when you were about to close the cafe, exactly that happened once again. he burst into the cafe, his eyes looking drained and his pale skin shining under the lights of the cafe. when he saw you cleaning, his mouth immediately went into an 'oh' shape and a guilty look appeared on his tired face.

"am i too late to get a coffee or?? it's not a problem if it's too late i just can go somewhere else-" he said, nervously tucking on his beanie to get it back in place. you looked up to him, giving him a smile when you realized that he can't really see it under the mask you're wearing.

"no,no, it's okay" you answered  "i can make one for you,  i wanted to make something for myself anyway,so you really don't have to worry.

you could see his eyes light up a little as these words left your mouth and his body seemed to  loosen as you started to make his usual americano. and even tho you couldn't really see it,you felt his gaze lingering on you, making you move a little more nervously, but it didn't take long to finish his coffee and to hand it over to him. your eyes moved over the pitch black clothes he was wearing, and you were pretty sure that you have never seem him in another color.

there was an awkward silence, but the boy, who was now leaning against the counter, decided to break it by saying something. You'd actually love to talk with him, but instead, your body froze. usually, you don't have any problems with talking to people, since you have a pretty solid korean vocabulary thanks to your brother being in korea for way longer than you and him teaching you besides your studies.

but this time you just couldn't understand what he said. after all, your korean wasn't the best yet and still somewhat limited. you turned around to see him looking at you, waiting for an answer, but your mind went completely blank as you were completely baffled.

he gave you a questioning look, scanning you,as if he was checking if everything is alright with you.

"are you okay?" he asked in korean, with a concerned look on his face.

you thanked yourself for at least understanding this question, slowly regaining control of your thoughts, but still you were all over the place.

"yes....uhm...i actually didn't quite understand what you were saying...i'm not that good at korean yet...." you finally managed to say, pronunciation probably off, but regarding the facial expression from the boy in front of you he understood.

his eyes light up once again and you were pretty sure that he was currently smiling under his mask.

"don't worry about that..." he answered in english, a thick australian accent lacing his words, before his expression became a little worried once again "but you can speak english,right??"

"oh yes, i actually can do that" you giggled, blushing in embarassment a lit

you turned around to grab the cup of tea you've prepared for yourself, not wanting to drink coffee that late and rather enjoy a warm cup of tea.

„I'm chan by the way"

„y/n" you said as you faced him again, giving him a smile he can finally see now.

„that's a really nice name...can i ask where you're from?"

"oh me?" you asked, placing your empty cup in the sink to wash it off later. "i'm from actually from california."

" woww, that's impressive, how long have you been here??" he asked, shifting his body a little bit so he can properly face you.

"six months" you answered adding slowly starting to clean out the coffee machine and getting everything ready for tomorrow.

"and what about you?" you asked back, turning towards him again.

"me?" he chuckled "i have been here for quite a long time...but how did you know that i'm not from here?"

"well to be honest...your accent is kinda obvious..." you answered, making you both giggle out loud.

"i guess it's no surprise then that i'm from sydney" he said still laughing to himself

sadly, that was soon interrupted by loud buzzing, which startled you for a second, before realizing that it was just chans phone. "sorry" he mouthed at you before picking up the phone and starting to discuss something with the person at the other side of the line.

you took the chance to look at him a little more closely, eyes lingering on his beanie, his messy hair, his dreamy eyes and before you knew, you completely stared at him, oblivious to the fact the he already had ended his phone call.

you eventually snapped back into reality when you heard him clearing his throat loudly,making you realize that he completely caught you staring at him.

"I'm sorry to interrupt you, but i got something really important to do...thank you so much for the coffee, it really saved my life, thank you y/n"

a warm feeling was bubbling up in your stomach as you smiled in return,  also being embarassed that he totally caught you staring at him.

"no big deal" you claimed as the boy already made his way towards the door.

"see you around, y/n!", he shouted back, leaving the cafe and the door closing with a loud click.

you let out a deep breath, mentally cursing yourself, as the memories of you aggressively staring at chan and getting caught replayed in your head.

it took some moments to pull yourself together again, turning towards the task of cleaning again, so you can finish up everything and actually close the cafe to finally return to your apartement.

but even while cleaning up, you couldn't stop thinking about him. you tried to block all of these thoughts out, you tried humming to the music, cleaning more aggressively, but nothing seems to work, because somehow, something of him still lingers on your mind.

and even though you didn't want to admit it, you secretly really hoped that he would return soon, even being excited to see the boy again.

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part two

masterlist

#stray kids #straykids #skz #skz fanfic #skz fluff #straykids fluff #bang chan fanfic #chan #bang chan fluff #skz bang chan #skz scenarios #skz imagines #skz chan #straykids scenarios #kpop #kpop fanfic #stray kids scenarios #stray kids fanfic #repost

[puppycumsstuff]

Sending my verbally abusive English Professor to the Director’s office after he humiliated me in front of the entire class for not having a book in front of me

Well…time to tell what happened with this certain Professor. I’ve held back on telling this or even posting this for an entire year but I’m not at that school anymore and I honestly don’t care now. I’m posting this to spread awareness which I should’ve done once it happened but I was just too scared if anyone from that school found out but like I said, I don’t care and I’m spreading awareness. Someone asked me to delete it from Instagram and tried to upload it to Reddit but it wouldn’t let me so I’m posting it here instead.

(Side Note: I’m a student with a learning disability but it’s mostly my memory that’s affected and it causes me to be a bit slower in doing classwork but I can catch up just fine. I can be faster with doing physical tasks as long as you can show me how to do a task)

This happened last year in the fall and I want to talk about my experience with two different public colleges (not saying which ones for obvious reasons) because last year of October, November and December, this incident occurred and this wasn’t the only incident where a teacher was rude. I had a few teachers (and a few students in my elementary school years, a toxic friend and one obsessed classmate who came over almost everyday as it was annoying to not only me but also my sister; mainly one or two teachers and one where I went to summer school when I was younger) who didn’t really like me.

Except…none of the other bad teachers in my past acted like this and it baffled me (and the entire class mind you) to see a professor humiliate and embarrass a student which still shocks me to this day and wondering if he did this to other students in the past and if he had gotten away with it. Anyways I went into class like normal and the first time this happened, I didn’t really remember much with the first two occurrences (there were three incidents with this professor in the span of 3 months, shocking I know) but I walked into class like normal and mind you, I didn’t have any money for books or any Financial Aid for that matter so I couldn’t get the books either way.

My only option was to get those books online (laptop and phone) and the Professor said that we were going to read from the books but I didn’t have any money like I said before. Earlier, I was reading from my phone trying to find the pages because I couldn’t find the file on my laptop and then felt his presence behind me. I started getting Anxiety from him just standing there and he told me, that if I’m gonna be goofing off in his class then I should just leave and not come back for the day. Like I was trying to find the page on my phone to participate.

He then said that we would be reading from the book and this is where shit went down. Everyone from the class had already read and I couldn’t find the page number because he distracted me earlier and when it was my turn, I was still trying to find the page number on my phone. He then told the entire class that I had the book from my phone then proceeded to call me stupid and crazy in front of the entire class but that wasn’t all…oh no there’s more.

He went in front of my desk and then started talking down to me and that made my Anxiety even worse and I even shed a few tears. He then yelled at me to get out of his classroom right now and that’s when I just couldn’t stand or take his verbal abusive in this toxic environment anymore so I just left to the woman’s restroom having my third Anxiety attack for the third month.

The only guy friend that I made in this class didn’t want me to be alone so he stayed inside the building with me. At one point, the Professor left his classroom and walked towards our direction, he talked to my guy friend a bit but he was glaring at me as he walked passed. I didn’t look him in the eyes due to the fact that I was absolutely scared shitless of what he was going to do to me.

Eventually everything cooled down but I was still a bit shaken from the whole thing so, I went to the mall to grab something to eat but from the incident that happened earlier, I didn’t really want to eat. While I was in the bathroom of the school, I called my best friend after these three different incidents from the Professor and she told me to go to the dean and to report him and his behavior. I then hung up on her saying that I would.

This had not only affected my mental health but it also caused me to eat a lot less and to doubt myself completely. On top of that, I couldn’t focus on my other classes except for my English class; I stopped paying attention and even procrastinated on my assignments just to fail my other classes in the end. I finally decided to tell my older sister about what happened and she was listening and pretty calm about it.

But the next day, she arrived at the house and told my mom and even my mom was shocked to hear about this. My mom questioned me and asked me if this was true and I replied with yes as she went upstairs to change to go with us, probably ready to crack his skull open. We all went to the director, I told her what happened, said that my only friend in class was a witness as well as the rest of the students since it did happen in a classroom but no one except my friend stood up for me.

The director said told that’s not how we do things at this school and she’s so sorry that this happened to me and they will for sure be investigating. My sister tells her how I can’t defend myself verbally and my mom even started crying as she spoke to the director. The director told me, she doesn’t want to make me uncomfortable but… I did have to be in his class in order to keep participating and I was like that’s fine but in all honesty, I didn’t want to be in that class any longer or even go to that school anymore and had to be there for another week and I even told the director that I just wouldn’t go to this school anymore and go to the better college in my area and just transfer.

The director even tried giving me a speech about how I should stay at the school even after I told her that I wouldn’t be at this school next semester…let me tell you this; if a student (any student with or without a disability) says that the teacher yelled at them and embarrassed them in front of the class so harshly and doesn’t want to be in a classroom with someone who says that they are far less intelligent and won’t amount to anything in life…you honestly think that student wouldn’t want to stay in the same place as the professor, much less wanting to stay in the school where the professor works.

I went to class the following week and we had an essay due in one week and that week was finals. The essay was our final assignment of the semester and I just wanted it done and over with so that I can pay my classes, get my transcripts then leave the school and not go back anymore because of the incident with this certain professor.

I completed the essay in the span of two days, not even the entire week as it was supposed to be turned in the following Wednesday of the month. I went to school, printed it out before class and turned it in. I waited for about a day or two but I actually managed to pass my English class with a B and my Art classes…All F’s. My mental health was so drained that I couldn’t do my finals in my Art classes well enough and when the semester ended, not o it did I fail my Art classes, I also took a pointless coding class for three months from January until mid-March and somehow passed. Went to New Jersey with my Best friend and we had a blast but it was over and now it was time to go to the better college in my area to transfer and get out of that awful school with that terrible teacher.

In the following Fall semester, I went to the better college (as previously mentioned) in my state and let me tell you, it was one of the best decisions that I have ever made; my mental and emotional heath has never been better than before, my professors are nicer to me, the food is better than mall food and I’ve decided to go to the gym (to improve my mental and physical health) and at my school they allow a free subscription for the students to the gym and I now have a workout plan with my own personal trainer to workout with.

I even plan on selling my Art on a website either during or after college and that a friend of my sister’s said she would help set it up for me. I even plan on getting a new Art program to make a comic series and post it to Webtoon once my scripts are completely written out because the other Art program that I was using had a monthly subscription service but I already cancelled it in order to buy the newer one that I’m getting tomorrow during Black Friday.

I do have to go back to the specific school where I was humiliated and embarrassed by the professor but it’s to get my official Transcripts and I’ll ask the Director what happened with that professor so that I can update you all. If you guys want more stories about awful teachers and even awful classmates then I have plenty to share (more specifically about these 4 girls from different grades, one toxic friend and also one obsessed classmate who trapped me on her roof but these stories are for another time)

Another note: Before going to the better college in my area, I went to my old high school to visit some of my teachers and I told them the experience that I had with that professor and a few of them were either shocked and surprised or they felt sorry for me about that. My old History teacher pointed something out; that professor probably either has anger issues or bipolar disorder from the incident that I told him.

Anyways, if you guys want more stories about other terrible teachers or even some crazy classmate stories (including the one obsessed acquaintance who trapped me on her roof) then let me know in the comments down below and I’ll be happy to share more!

Thanks for coming to my TedTalk and Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

[samthecookielord]

OKAY HERE THIS ONE SHOULD WORK REGARDLESS OF LIGHT OR DARK MODE USAGE >:]

#april fools #random stuff #get prankedd!!!!! #I hath decieved you! Bamboozled you! For twas not an empty blank box but me declaring my platonic love for you!!! >:D #it baffles me how i still get notes on the post everyday #2022 update: WHAT. HOW. WHERE DID YALL COME FROM. OK UM!! HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMBER TO DRINK WATER IF YOURE READING THIS!!!!

[lavynrose]

Artem and his S/O confessing at the same time pt. 2

Title: Dedicated

Pairing/s: Artem Wing X Reader

Pronouns: Gender Neutral

Genre: FLUFF FLUFF FLUFF TOOTH ROTTING FLUFF

Warning/s: grammatical errors

Notes: ok so!!! thank you so much for waiting <3 one thing i'd like to say is that i recommend reading part 1 before this bc it creates a build-up for the story's conclusion. There are some parts here that needed context from part 1. Enjoy!

part 1 here

He couldn't ask for more.

The sunset spilled all around the theme park, the golden intricates of the the railings sparkled than ever before. The orange radiance of the solemn sun gives the park an even more golden glow.

Artem looked around, taking in the seemingly perfect view of what can be only described as serene. The laughter of groups of friends, families walking hand-in-hand, couples giving their significant other loving looks, people enjoying themselves left and right, the quaint smell of hotdogs and popcorn.

You spending your time with him.

The sunset made this picturesque scenery even more breathtaking, and he could come here everyday if only allowed.

Right now, right in this very moment, everything is glowing.

Especially you.

"That was really fun!" the enthusiasm in your voice never fails to make him feel the same. He loves seeing you have fun, without a care in the world. He admits, he also enjoyed getting splashed by water on the raft ride.

He unconsciously offered his arm to link with yours and when you took it as you gazed at him, he's more than satisfied.

You fit so perfectly in his arms, it feels as if you're the missing puzzle piece he never knew his being had. Even having dried after getting soaked from the raft, the warmth that your touch radiated fills his senses with comfort.

This moment of getting to spend time with the person he profoundly longed for was enough for him. Enough for now. You don't need to know his affections for now.

Does he really need to let you know?

His feelings?

It'll probably make your relationship awkward. He's not ready to risk the sweet smiles and playful looks you direct towards him just for his own selfishness.

It doesn't matter. He'll love you even if you won't, anyway.

He then stopped in his tracks, you followed suit. Not caring about the people around you. Lost in the little world the two of you shared. He looked down at your form, "Yes it was. I enjoyed it very much." because you're with me, he wanted to add but instead of saying those words, an amiable look in his cerulean eyes twinkled, and an adoring smile latched upon his features instead.

Almost as if he's telling you an unspoken confession.

His expression however, turned into mild surprise when he noticed how your gaze was filled with enchantment. With a soft glint in your lidded eyes, your brows are knitted together. You were silent.

It baffled him.

Why.

'Why are you looking at me like that?' Artem wanted to blurt out. His mouth opened to say something.

It was unclear to him as to why you looked like you were staring at his very soul.

'Why are you looking at me like,' he can't help but ask himself as he continued to scrutinize your tranced gaze, 'like you want to say the same words I desperately wanted to tell you?'

Are his feelings reciprocated?

You blinked and suddenly looked away, "Uhh, Artem, I-"

"Everyone! One more hour to go for the fireworks! Please look forward to it!" The both of you landed your eyes on the speaker, then on each other.

Artem cleared his throat, pulling the collar of his turtleneck, "You were saying?" he inquired, voice and features laced with curiosity.

You cleared your throat and pulled on your collar, mirroring him, "I..." you started as your eyes darted as if you were looking for excuses, then your orbs glinted with realization and faced Artem, "I just wanted to say that we should take pictures! This is a memorable night after all."

His eyes begin to scan the theme park and his gaze found a small photobooth just beside the merry-go-round.

"Good idea. We haven't had anything to commemorate today's fun." He brushed off your weird behavior earlier as you dragged him towards your destination.

There weren't too many people in the waiting line, there were multiple photobooths, plenty enough to not create a line of more than five costumers per booth.

As soon as it was your turn, you excitedly rummaged through the cute costumes the guests can wear in the photos.

"Look Artem," you snapped your fingers to get his attention, "This would look cute on you!" You squealed as you waved the headband with cat ears in front of his face.

This kind of trend has been circling around lately. No matter how much of a busy man Artem is, he still has seen some posts about this on the internet...

Catboy culture, wasn't it? He wondered.

"You should wear one, too." He suggested. He gingerly took the headband from you and after a few moments of hesitation, he finally gave in to the anticipation in your eyes.

Your eyes were practically sparkling taking in the sight of catboy Artem in the flesh.

"Oh my gosh." You breathed, gaping at him.

Artem blinked. "Is there something on my face?" He then turned to the mirror to check what's wrong, nothing seems to be out of the ordinary though.

"It's nothing!" You frantically waved your hand and gestured towards the camera, "Let's take a photo!" you grinned, wearing cat ears identical to Artem's.

You guys started the photoshoot with your hands making peace signs.

Ah, the classic.

The few shots after just consisted of you putting on different faces while Artem just wore different headbands each shot, with the same pose.

"You guys, please act cuter for the camera! " The photographer suddenly commented.

Isn't Y/N cute enough? Artem internally recoiled.

"Young man, put your arms around your date or something, or do a heart pose together! " Mr. Photographer added.

Artem looked back at you, his eyes meeting yours, both were wide with surprise.

He cleared his throat for what seemed like the nth time today and looked at you for approval, "Do you want to?" he asked as his hands formed half a heart.

Your cheeks lighted aflame as you raised your hand, forming half a heart to connect it with his, "I don't mind."

As your fingers touched, Artem cannot control the pink flushing his cheeks as he smiled at the camera.

The photographer continued to instruct the both of you with how you should pose. He deserves a raise for doing his job really well, Artem thinks.

After of what it seemed like endless snaps of sappy pictures, the two of you decided to print all of them.

"Now we have lots of souvenirs!" you scanned each one of the photos and Artem can't help but think how good you two look together.

He thanked the photographer for putting his all into the shoot, then you both headed for the exit.

"How was it, Artem?" You turned towards him with a profound smile.

You have lots of photos together now. He can already see himself wide awake at night, staring at your couple-like pictures.

It was more than okay.

"It was a fun experience. The cat ears aren't bad." He said as he recalled how astonished you looked when he wore the headband.

"We spent almost 20 minutes there..." You sighed as you looked at your watch.

Artem unconsciously checked his wrist watch as well, "There are 40 minutes left before the fireworks. Do you want to check out more rides before then?"

You surveyed the theme park to look for more booths, "Look at that, Artem." you pointed toward the large and loud crowd at the park's quadrangle.

"Perharps it's someone performing." Artem guessed, hearing the strums of a guitar from the speakers.

"Let's check it out!" Curious, you and Artem shuffled yourselves into the crowd. The faint singing voice grew more and more audible as you got closer to the center of the attraction.

You headed to the front for the best audience experience and the singer came into view, "Isn't that?" Artem's eyes were as wide as saucers when he recognized the person singing.

Funny how you weren't surprised, and he wondered why.

There at the center, sitting at a stool with a guitar in hand, singing with a gold microphone in front of him, was the new employee at the firm, William.

Artem frowned.

That's the guy. The guy who was getting too cozy with you, the guy causing the unpleasant pangs inside his chest.

The guy who was one of the reasons why he got the courage to ask you out on this date in the first place.

The feeling of delight earlier was now replaced by uneasiness.

"I didn't know he was a performer." Artem murmured, and he kept glancing at you.

When he saw that you were clapping your hands and a proud smile has decorated your lips - one that's not aimed him, a sudden bitter feeling overwhelmed his whole being.

You looked very happy, and he hung his head low.

He vividly remembered your smiling faces in the office yesterday, and how William seem to always hang around you.

Artem realized he wasn't special. The warm look that he witnessed from you earlier in the sunset, the look that made him think that you reciprocated his feelings, you probably do that to everyone.

He felt so stupid.

While everyone was watching William hit the notes and strum the strings, Artem was watching your every reactions, only for him to get hurt on the inside.

His heart hurts, the clenching feeling in his chest tightening with every cheer that you voiced.

He's glad it was you who were causing this pain, though.

The crowd boomed with claps and shouts as the last note finished the song, and Artem wasn't in the mood to join them.

6:30pm

"Aren't you going to greet him?" Artem's voice made you look up to him, his brows furrowed and he wasn't making eye contact.

You just brushed his behaviour off and said, "Nope. I wouldn't want to disturb him on this special day!" you felt giddy, knowing that you helped William to set this all up.

As soon as his first day in the office, which was around a month ago, he had overheard you and Kiki talking about the big opening of PAX's amusement park, and kept asking questions about the event. He then learned you were friends with the heir, Marius.

You've never seen a face as shocked as William's when he learned that.

He even made Kiki contact her insiders about the soon to be opened theme park.

Kiki asked why he was so curious, and he said he performs on gigs as a hobby, balancing it with his law career, and that he loves performing ever since he was a kid.

"Performing on the theme park's opening would definitely give me more opportunities!" He sounded so passionate that you can't help but support him.

He became bashful though, as he said, "Besides, I've been looking for an opportunity to surprise my girlfriend next month," you and Kiki beamed at him, "This would make her happy, as I made a new song that I specifically made as a gift for her birthday. I'll sing it on the opening if I'm allowed."

That's why ever since, you became close with William. Whenever you talk though, he almost always talk about her girlfriend.

"30 minutes remaining for the fireworks display!!!" The speakers announced.

You were excited for the fireworks, and an idea popped out of your mind.

"Artem," you called him out "Let's ride on the ferries wheel, that way we're up in the sky as the fireworks erupt," you dragged him to the ferris wheel's ticketing booth, "I heard that it takes 20-30 minutes for a capsule to be on top of the wheel, the time is perfect for us!"

"Can we be alone in the capsule?" Artem suddenly requested, his eyes filled with a look you can't fathom. He looked so vulnerable.

"Yes, that's actually normal. We can request that for the youngest senior attorney with 99% win rate!" You grinned and you expected him to send you one of his gentle smiles, but he just turned his head away, and looked at the distance.

You take a good look at him again once you got the tickets, he's still looking away, a solemn demeanor in his face.

You can't help but wonder what he's thinking. He's been acting a little weird, you thought.

Does he not want to hang out with you anymore?

"Artem, if you don't want to, you can tell me. I won't be mad." You eyed him with concern, "We can just sit on the bench or something." you suggested.

Just like that, his expression changed quickly, regret clouding his face, "Y/N," he sighed, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply that with my actions," he stared at you for a few seconds, then you noticed that light was back in his eyes, the fond smile you liksd seeing is back again, "The ferris wheel is perfect." He then grabbed yoir waist and guided you both to the capsule.

You grinned, "I requested a capsule for only the two of us!" you waved the tickets at him, he chuckled and grabbed it from you to give to the person managing the capsules.

The capsule was air-condition inside, with big windows to get a good view of the outside. You expected nothing from a device created by PAX.

Across from you, Artem sits, his mood is a little better now, but you can't help but notice the silent sadness his cerulean eyes hold still.

You don't like seeing him like this.

"Hey, Artem?" you half-whispered, not wanting to surprise him from his reverie.

His eyes met yours, "Yes?" he responded gently.

"You know you can trust me with your problems, right?" You started, you don't let his surprised expression distract you from what you want to say, "I will listen intently to your troubles, and we'll find a way to solve them together! " You declared with the brightest smile you could ever muster, "So please, share your burdens with me. I'll carry them with you." You finished with a toothy grin.

He blinked a few times before finally shaking his head with fondness, "Thank you, Y/N. I want you to know that you are special to me." His face is suddenly filled with so much endearment you quickly looked away, "Uhh, Of course!" your face flushed red and you raised your hide in an attempt to hide it.

Artem chuckled, the sound giving you a sense of comfort and security. You looked up to him again and saw his features get illuminated by the lights flickering in the theme park, his adoring eyes lingering on you.

Like yours was lingering on him.

You smiled at each other, letting the other feel that they're not alone in the battles they're facing.

What are you to each other, anyway? You pondered when you decided to avert your eyes away from him first.

As far as you can recall, friends don't do this kind of thing with each other. The staring, the blushing. Oh, especially the blushing.

You can't help but long for the possibility of having your feelings reciprocated, but oh boy were you afraid.

"Can I sit beside you?" His question brought you to your senses, and you happily obliged, "Of course! This capsule isn't shaky, we'll be okay being on the same side." You made space for him as you patted the empty space. There he sat, his scent enveloping your senses.

It was silent for the whole ride up, but you were comfortable with it. You were with the person you love, being with them is enough.

7:00pm

Your capsule was right on top when suddenly, a boom was heard and splashes of color was seen through the window.

"Artem!" you pointed at the big, colorful patch of explosion that's a little bit below the capsule you were in.

The ferries wheel was so high that you were higher than the fireworks!

The fireworks was on your side of the window, you can see the view to it's fullest glory.

"Whoa!" you exclaimed, your eyes astonished by the scene before you. Your hands flat against the window, when you suddenly felt a body pressed against your back, and a hot breath against your ear, "It's amazing" you heard Artem mutter, as his breaths fanned the hairs on your neck, before resting his chin on your shoulder.

You yelped, you forgot Artem was just beside you!

Your heart pounded against your ribcage when you realized that in order for Artem to see the fireworks, he needs to look at your side of the window.

Heck, your thighs were touching, and you can feel every ounce of heat that his muscular body radiated. He's practically caging you and this small, suffocating space of a capsule isn't helping!

Despite the unbelievable heat that your whole body is feeling right now, you badly wanted him to wrap his arms around you.

Something was pooling in your stomach, something weird. All you can think about right now is Artem kissing you against the window while you sit on his lap.

Warmth filled your already heated cheeks upon realization of what you just imagined, and you mentally slapped yourself. What were you thinking?

The smell of his vanilla cologne isn't helping!

Nobody has ever made you feel this way before. No other person has affected you like this. You think about the things that this man had done for you, he was selfless, hardworking, and most of all, kind.

Especially the smiles he had always shown you. Those smiles filled with comfort and fondness that makes you weak in the knees. Whenever you see that smile, you find yourself looking forward in seeing it again.

To you, Artem Wing was unobtainable.

Yet you wanted to make him yours.

7:01pm

"Artem!" you pointed below with an enthusiastic grin as the fireworks boomed and splashed the sky above the theme park.

His body scooted over to you without realizing, eyes widening with glee and he muttered, "It's amazing" Artem leaned towards you, placing his chin on your shoulder for him to get better view of the fireworks display below.

It's taking every ounce of his control to not face you towards him and claim your lips then and there.

What you said earlier only fueled his raging feelings for you. You were willing to carry his burdens with him? He never had someone say that to him before, and he was happy it's from you.

The evening is flawless. The two of you were alone, having you near him like this, your decleration of support earlier, and a beautiful scenery before him that he won't get to see everyday...

A perfect evening to pour his heart out to you.

He decided that if there was a best time to confess his love for you, that time would be now. He didn't care about your answer right now, he just wanted to let it all out before this passionate feelings can drive him to insanity.

These feelings were driving him crazy, he wanted to let you know how you make him happy, that he thinks about you eveey second of every day, that you ground him and his lonely heart.

He noticed you were silent and unmoving, so he decided to take the chance. He took a deep breath.

"I'm in l-" "Can I ki-"

You turned your body to face him, surprised. Your face only a few centimeters away from his. One wrong move and you'll kiss.

The both of you blinked.

"You... go first." you said, biting your lip.

He stared deep into your eyes, none of you dared to move from this intimate position, your breaths fanning each other's faces.

"Y/N, I," he rested his forehead against yours and breathed with the most vulnerable voice you've ever heard from him, "I'm in love with you..."

You gaped, but he didn't mind.

He closed his eyes for a few seconds, "It's okay if you don't feel the same. I..." he opened his eyes to give you a loving gaze "I will keep loving you anyway."

He looked so vulnerable right now, but it didn't scare him. If anything, he feels relief in finally voicing out the feelings he's hidden for so long.

"I was in a bad mood today because I think you were interested in William," you just blinked and he continued, "I mean, you always look happy when you're with him. It crushed my heart." He finished as he waited for your response.

He waited, and waited.

The silence that you were giving him didn't give him any clue to what you were thinking, it's unnerving.

After of what seemed like an eternity you finally let out, "He has a girlfriend, silly." you see Artem's eyes widened and you continued, "It's a long story, but I'm not interested in him. We're just friends."

You felt the heat creep up his face.

"So... what were you going to tell me?" He said hesitantly as he gulped, the embarrasment from earlier evident in his voice.

Your cheeks flushed pink as you darted your eyes, it was now your turn to get really embarassed, "Can I..." your face looks conflicted. That if you say whatever you wanted to say, It'd be the death of you.

You took a deep breath, Artem told you his feelings, so it's only fair you tell him yours, you told yourself and mustered the courage to look up to his ocean eyes, a vast ocean so blue, you could drown in them, "Can I kiss you, Artem?"

It took a moment before he could fully process your words. His brain short-circuit.

"What?" He blurted out as he scanned your face for any signs that maybe, you have made a mistake.

but you replied, "I want to kiss you Artem," you put your hands on his shoulder to steady yourself, "I'm in love with you too."

His body tingled with so much joy, you being in love with him was just a distant dream before.

Not willing to wait anymore, he licked his lips as he slowly dipped his head to meet your already parted mouth, welcoming him.

You may or may not have kissed the entire way down the ride.

Artem Wing is a dedicated man.

Now, he's willing to dedicate himself to you for the rest of his life.

do not repost © lavynrose 08/16/21.

#tears of themis #tears of themis x reader #artem wing #artem wing x reader #artem x reader #tears of themis imagines #tot x reader #zuo ran x reader

[aminiatureworld]

Affection II

Characters: Childe, Ganyu, Kaeya, gn!reader

Word Count: 5,577

Warnings: None

Premise: Sometime we know something is impossible from the start. But still we walk towards it, even if we know it will hurt us. It’s only flirting, only a smile or a hug or some food. Even if nothing comes of it, there is nothing to regret. Even if it hurts.

In which the reader gives affection, expecting nothing in return.

Author’s Note: Evidently I’ve really missed writing these properly. I had such a great time writing, and I hope you guys enjoy these just as much as I did.

Also I’ve decided the version on Ao3 will now always be without bullet points, so if you prefer that format the link will be in the reblog.

Childe

You’d been floored by Childe pretty much since the day you two had met.

What had turned into the two of you meeting had started out a most unfavorable encounter. You’d gone to Lingju Pass, trying to survey some of the carvings of the old structure, and attempting to see the sort of methods used to construct such vast rocky complexes at the time. Unfortunately this goal had quickly turned into a goal of “don’t get caught”, as you’d found the Pass crawling with Fatui members. Though you weren’t nearly helpless, you’d also not come prepared for battle; and had spent most of the “fight” dodging around various blows while trying not to drop the expensive equipment that you’d borrowed from other Guild members.

Just as you’d come to the conclusion that the options were either drop everything and run or get thoroughly injured by a bunch of arrogant Snezhnayan soldiers there was a change in the air. The Fatui soldiers’ expression turned from one of glee to one of confusion, and then one of panic, as one by one a streak of blue began to throw them this way and that. As you regained focus of the terrain your realized that it wasn’t a streak at all but a person, a person who was wildly adept at sword play. Eventually the number of unconscious people had risen to five, and there was no one left but him and you.

“Need any help?”

The words might’ve been kind, had it not been for the smirk on the man’s face. Though you felt that the right answers would’ve probably been to scowl, you found you couldn’t, too wrapped up in the memory of this mysterious person darting this way and that, handling his water-made daggers with the grace of a ballet dancer.

“I’m Childe.” These words finally brought you back to the present.

“You’re a member of the Fatui.”

“I am.”

“Then why did you knock those guys out just now?”

“Boredom.”

You stared at Childe incredulously. Of course you’d heard his name, the man who, it was whispered, almost pulled Liyue into the sea. You’d formed a sort of mental picture of him completely divorced from the redhead now standing in front of you, bouncing slightly on his feet as he smiled cockily. He looked more like a rogue adventurer than one of the heads of a crime syndicate. Maybe that was why you found yourself infatuated, rather than afraid.

This infatuation only grew, fed by the encounters that you had with Childe. It seemed now you couldn’t avoid him, not that you wanted to. What had begun as a chance encounter multiplied into two, into four; soon enough you two had struck up a sort of friendship, one that baffled everyone else around you.

Of course you hadn’t lost all your sense, knowing quite well that the puppy love you were feeling could never be anything more. The way Childe talked about his work, about his duty to the Tsaritsa, made it very clear that he wouldn’t let a partner in his life or in his loyalties. And even if he changed his mind, why would he choose you? You were an adventurer sure, but you hadn’t even been able to properly defend yourself the first time the two of you met, and your oversight of that would’ve surely turned Childe away. Besides, Childe could probably make a partner out of anyone he wanted, if they were foolish enough. Why should that person be you?

Perhaps it was that knowledge that allowed you to be so free in your affection, spurred on by Childe’s own open nature. Hand holding, hugging, leaning one’s head on the other’s shoulder, it was the language of friendship that you two had adopted, and something that you greatly appreciated. There was something nice about a friendship in which one could be so open about caring about someone, without expecting things to go farther. Because you didn’t, you really didn’t. And though that might’ve been a bit painful, it was a small price to pay for Childe’s company.

“I’m going off to Mondstadt for a bit.”

“What?”

You drew away from Childe a bit to look into his face. The two of you were walking along the path towards Yaoguang Shoal, as Childe had taken a particular liking to the Starconches that lined its shores. Now he smiled awkwardly, squeezing your hand and shrugging his shoulders.

“I know, I know. There’s apparently this branch of the Fatui holed up there right now, and I’ve been asked to consult about something, though archons know what it is.”

“How long will you be gone?”

“I’m not sure, I think about two weeks? I’m not sure what exactly is going on, but the troops really must be in disarray if they need me skulking around for the next two weeks.” He let out a awkward laugh.

“I’ll miss you.” You replied, bumping your head into his shoulder and frowning. “It’s very boring without you.”

“I’m sure you’ll be perfectly capable without me.” Childe smiled, one eyebrow raised slightly. “After all, what would you do if I left someday, permanently. You’d have to find a way without me.”

“Let’s not talk about that.” You replied hurriedly, switching the conversation towards something more pleasant. Unfortunately however the words had already been said, and the damage had already been done.

It had been two weeks since Childe had left for Mondstadt, and though normally you might’ve been waiting at the city gates for his return, you found yourself on the familiar road towards Lingju. Childe’s words had been ringing in your ears for the past two weeks, and you’d found the more time passed the more you kept thinking about them.

What would you do if I left someday, permanently. Is that what Childe truly wanted? To leave? The idea made your stomach hurt, as you began once more to run all your interactions through your head, as if trying to find a flaw in the strips of memory you had of Childe. Was that what Childe truly wanted, or was it simply that he was sick of you? When he’d said “you’d have to find a way without me” did that mean he wanted to find a way without you? Perhaps you’d been too forward, too demanding. Perhaps he’d managed to realize your feelings and felt repelled by them. Had it been too much, meeting him almost everyday for some periods of time, eating lunch together and sometimes dinner. What about that time you’d invited him over to your house to play a game? Had that been too much?

You sighed, dragging yourself over the final ridge. Sitting down to take a rest you closed you eyes. You hated that your mind wandered this way, that no matter what you couldn’t help but ask yourself again and again, what had you done. What would Childe think about this sad person laying on the ground, the sad part was you couldn’t answer that question.

The sound of footsteps brought you back to the present, and you let out a suppressed groan at the figures in your line of sight.

“Don’t you guys ever get posted anywhere else?” You rolled your eyes, reaching behind your back to summon your polearm.

“You’re trespassing.” The voice that came out of the Electro Vanguard was so deep and distorted as to be hilarious.

“Lastly I checked you were neither a citizen of Liyue, nor Rex Lapis, so if anyone’s “trespassing” on public territory it’s you.” You sighed. “Oh well. Unfortunately you caught me on a day where I’m somewhat prepared.” With that you lunged towards the Hydro Legionnaire and the fight began.

Fighting when one is already frustrated is both a blessing and a curse. The fight itself was almost invigorating, the first Fatui hit the ground and with it you felt part of your worries fade away, if only for the small window of time which this fight offered. Was this why Childe fought so much? The though crossed your mind as you whirled behind the Pyro Bracer and pressed as much Electro as you dared into the back of his head, tripping him with the staff of your polearm on his way down.

Soon enough there was only you and the Electro Vanguard left. Unfortunately you were beginning to feel the other side affect of anger, that being misfocus. Being more versed in using your polearm as a sort of lightning rod your found the Vanguard much harder to deal with, more than once barely diving out of the way of the hammer he was swinging around, surprisingly light on his feet considering what the weight must be. Your anger was quickly draining, turning into something more akin to panic, and as you found yourself stumbling more and more you realized that today was really, really not your day.

The Vanguard was becoming aware of how fast you were tiring, a gravelly sort of laugh emerging from behind his mask. As you found your with you back to the slope you wondered if it was just worth it to make an escape. The Fatui swung his hammer once more, barreling towards you. Having nothing left to do you put your polearm out in front of you, hoping that your arms were strong enough not to recoil against the inevitable blow. Closing your eyes you thought of nothing, drowning in a sea of panic. If there was any coherent part of your brain it wished that you weren’t here, that you just stayed home, or swallowed you pride and gone to the gate. But it was too late now, and you were about to get hit.

However the blow never landed, instead a loud sound pierced the air. Whipping your arms open you saw the Electro Vanguard stumble, his hammer having been dropped on the ground. He was grasping towards his ankle, in which was stuck an arrow, glowing a faint aquamarine. Swearing the Fatui member glanced around, before stumbling away, dragging his weapon and his left leg behind him like dead weight.

“Some things never change, huh?”

“Childe!” You whirled towards your once again savior, face burning from embarrassment. “I took out the rest of them this time.”

“I can see that,” said Childe, surveying the area, a telltale smirk on his face, “very impressive. Although, if I may suggest, next time try to take out the Electro Vanguard first, especially since you don’t wield a weapon made for pure damage.”

“Is this turning into a teaching moment?”

“Absolutely not.” Childe laughed.

You found the sound catching, and soon a smile spread across your face as you let your polearm disappear once more. You ran up to Childe, and were about to throw you arms around his neck in a characteristic hug, when the thoughts of before came ramming back into your brain. Taking a step back you planted your arms firmly in front of you, hoping that maybe Childe hadn’t noticed what you’d been about to do.

However Childe approached you instead.

“You weren’t at the gate today.” He said coyly, lips drifting somewhere between a smirk and a frown.

“I’m sorry.” You lowered your head. “I just thought, well maybe that would be better. Since you said you might be leaving permanently and all, and since you were right when you said I’d have to figure things out without you, I don’t know, I thought maybe it’d be for the best.”

Looking up the expression on Childe’s face could only be described as one of complete disbelief. For a moment he stayed frozen in place.

“What in Teyvat do you mean I’m leaving permanently?”

“You said that! Remember… when we were going to pick sea shells you said that you were leaving.” You stepped back, cheeks flushed. “Or maybe you were just sort of sick of me or something.”

“Why would you ever think that?” Childe walked up to you, enveloping one of the hands at your side in his own and bringing it up towards him.

“I… I don’t know,” you replied, feeling very confused and very foolish, “I thought maybe that I was being too affectionate, or too clingy. I mean I know you don’t like me or anything like that. And I thought maybe that I was crossing the boundaries of our friendship.”

“I don’t like you? I’ve liked you since almost the first day we’ve met!”

“Not like that! I mean, like like, you know? As in… well, as in I… I love you.” You let your voice peter out.

“I love you too!” Childe let out. Shaking his head he smiled widely. “That’s what I’m trying to say. I’ve liked you since almost the first time we’ve met. I wasn’t trying to shoo you away.”

“What?” Your brain was short circuiting. Something had gone terribly wrong. You’d definitely been knocked out at some point, and was now hallucinating. There was no way Childe liked you, loved you. He could love anyone, why would he love you.

Childe stepped closer, moving so that your foreheads were almost pressed together.

“May I?” He whispered, voice almost shy. You nodded, a just as small “yes” escaping your lips before Childe cut off your ability to say anything more. It was a short kiss, sweet and chaste, and yet you felt everything around you suddenly come into sharp, almost lucid clarity. You weren’t dreaming. This was happening. This was Childe and he liked you. Childe like you. He liked you, he really liked you.

“Why?” You let out, when the two of you separated. Thankfully Childe remained close to you, being without his presence now would’ve been quite lonely.

“Why what?”

“Why me? I’m not, I don’t know, I can’t even knock out an Electro Vanguard without help.”

Childe let out a laugh, lovely as music.

“I don’t know,” he replied, eyes sparkling, “because you’re you. And I like you.”

And all of a sudden you found that that was enough.

 Ganyu

The days that you accompanied Ganyu on her various errands were the ones in which you were most aware that you were on a level utterly below her.

Of course humans could never really measure up to adepti, after all they made the world and humans simply lived in it. Still in terms of humans, well you weren’t exactly pushing exceptional. If Ganyu represented all that was exceptional about the adepti, well then you represented the average human who didn’t like their job and overall went about their day as unnoticeable as an ant on the road.

Of course Ganyu never acted in a way that would betray the imbalance between the two of you. Indeed Ganyu was nothing if not kind, sweet, and utterly without a semblance of hierarchy. It was one of the things that you adored about her, the straightforward honesty she carried with her, and the way that she appeared not to judge living beings on a scale, even if that was the right of those who were higher and didn’t have to worry about said scale.

“Can you carry this for me?” Ganyu’s voice was soft and somewhat hesitant. You smiled widely, knowing that Ganyu simply had difficulty asking other people for help.

“Of course I can!” Scooping up the package that was stretched out towards you, you saw Ganyu let out a short sigh of relief.

“Thank you.”

“Of course! I’m always happy to help you. Where are we taking this?”

“Over to the funeral parlor. It seems that there are some tiles in here that are being used for a specific ritual. Hu Tao said that the family wanted it, I hope she doesn’t actually mean she pushed them towards it.” Ganyu let out a soft sigh. “She once suggested advertising for cremation. Somehow I feel that won’t exactly be welcomed by the people.”

“No one likes to be reminded of their own mortality. Ah, but Hu Tao is doing her best, and if these tiles end up being insulators, I suppose we can’t do much about it. I’ll make sure not to drop them anyways. Getting on Hu Tao’s bad side feels like asking for a prank.”

“You’re probably right.” Ganyu chuckled.

You blushed slightly, loving the way her laugh sounded, soft and open. You knew Ganyu struggled sometimes; she admitted to you herself that it was very difficult to live an existence defined by liminality. Was she an adeptus? Was she a human? She was neither, and yet both would claim her and call her other. In understanding this Ganyu had retreated into herself. Perhaps that’s why her laugh meant so much.

As you strolled down the docks an angry voice cut through the air.

“Qixing!”

Both of you turning around you saw Bolai, heaving slightly, teetering his way towards you. His face was stormy, and for a moment you wondered if someone had stolen something. His words when he caught up however revealed a very different motivation.

“I demand justice!”

“What for?” Ganyu asked, voice deadly serious once more.

“What for? For what Huixin said in regards to me! For the Liyue Qixing complying with disgusting rumors as to the ways in which I conduct my business and my finances. As to the way that you promised to help me then turned on me!”

“I see…” Ganyu sighed as you wracked your brain, trying to remember what she’d told you about the time that she and the traveler ran around trying to detangle various examples of tax fraud. “Have you considered putting up a formal complaint?” Ganyu meanwhile was still trying to keep professional, something that you admired her for.

“How am I supposed to trust the Qixing after what happened? No! I demand compensation now!”

“Sir, I’m sure you’re quite upset, but there’s no need to act in such a way. If you wish to clear your name, then we can meet in private and review the testimony and documents we received. If not, then I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you. I’m very sorry.”

Ganyu turned back towards the direction in which you two had been previously walking. Evidently too agitated to think properly Bolai let out a strangled cry.

“We’re not finished yet!” Reaching out, he seemed to be attempting to turn Ganyu around by the shoulder. Having been standing there unthinking you now moved to block the action, knowing that Bolai didn’t really mean anything by it, but not trusting the man who looked like he was about to burst a blood vessel. Bolai’s hand instead smacked into the box in your hands, which slipped from your grip and fell to the floor in a great crash.

Time seemed to slow down somewhat after this, as Bolai stepped backwards and Ganyu turned around, face one of evident horror at the scene. You felt your face begin to burn as you looked at the unassuming box, which now looked a little bit the worse for wear.

“What…” Ganyu trailed off. Bolai waved his hands about in a panicked sort of way.

“That wasn’t me! That wasn’t my fault! It was this person they… I don’t know what they were thinking, getting in the way like that. How idiotic! This is nothing but a mess, a disgrace!”

Normally you wouldn’t pay Bolai’s words any mind, but now they seemed to pierce right through, as you realized all the trouble you’d just caused Ganyu. Glancing over towards her you found you could neither look her in the eyes nor stay where you were.

“I-I’m sorry!” You stammered. Moving to pick up the box you found your hand hesitating. Fearing that you’d just make things worse you pulled yourself and dashed in the opposite direction, speeding up the docks and towards the outskirts of the city.

Normally the view from Mount Tianheng was one that stole your breath away. Today however the mountain seemed completely uninteresting, especially when compared to the thoughts racing in your head.

How had you gotten here, how had you messed up so much? Ganyu didn’t need your posturing, your attempt to help. She was an adeptus for Morax’s sake! And who were you? Someone who couldn’t even carry a box from Point A to Point B. And now you’d just caused more trouble for Ganyu, when she already had so much to do.

“I’m such a failure.” You groaned into your palms.

“You aren’t!” You lifted your head at the soft exclamation, already knowing who the voice belonged to. Ganyu sidled up to the ledge of the mountain silently, fidgeting with her hands. “May I sit next to you?”

“Of course.” You replied, grateful that Ganyu was even talking to you. Smiling softly the Qixing Emissary let out a soft sigh.

“I love the view of the city from here.” She spoke softly, eyes on the horizon.

“I do too.”

“There’s something so lovely about watching everyone go about their day, isn’t there? To see the people work in harmony to bring prosperity and peace to the city of Liyue. To see how everyone continues on the legacy of Rex Lapis.”

“That’s a lot to see.” You joked, still feeling a little uncomfortable, as if Ganyu might in a minute get up and leave.

“But can’t you see it?” Ganyu’s voice was earnest and her eyes shined. “It’s wonderful how people do it, how they continue to make this city thrive, to keep the contracts of Morax alive and within living memory.”

“Perhaps it’s just harder for humans to judge it themselves?”

“Perhaps.” Ganyu’s expression shifted into something, almost shy, not quite melancholic. “Just like how you’re finding it difficult to forgive yourself.���

“I’m so sorry Ganyu. I don’t know what I was thinking! I just… I just, wasn’t thinking.”

“You were trying to be kind.” Ganyu replied, something almost akin to blush coating her cheeks. “And I have to thank you for that.”

“But I just caused more trouble…”

“You were trying to be kind,” Ganyu repeated, “like I said, you’re finding it difficult to forgive yourself. But you have to. You didn’t truly do anything that needs forgiveness.”

“But I was doing it for completely selfish reasons!” You blurted out, embarrassment and doubt turning into the words you never wanted to utter. “It’s because I like you, and not just because I was trying to be nice. But because, because maybe I wanted to do something for you, and then maybe I’d be good enough maybe.” Realizing how odd that just sounded you turned your head away. For a moment your words hung in the air, and the longer the silence continued the longer you thought about how utterly selfish you were.

“Thank you.” There was a smile in Ganyu’s voice, and as you turned your head once more you could see it plastered across her face.

“For what?”

“For telling me you like me.”

“But… but isn’t it just burdening you? After all I’m not good enough for you.”

“You are!” Ganyu’s voice was firm. “You’re absolutely good enough for me. And what you did, you call it selfishness, but I don’t understand that. Being kind to people you like isn’t selfish, even if you like them. Because this time you were genuinely helping me. Besides, if that’s selfish then I’ve also been terribly selfish.”

“How?”

“By asking you to accompany me everywhere. Because maybe, maybe I like you too.”

For a moment you wondered if you hadn’t accidentally slipped off the cliff, so weightless did you feel. A bit lightheaded you leaned forward.

“Really?”

“Yes.” Ganyu smiled nervously. Reaching out she took your hand in hers.

The two of you watched the sun set over the city of contracts mostly in silence. Every once in a while there would be a spurt of conversation, but mostly there was nothing but the sounds of the birds and the cicadas, and the pounding of two hearts, hearts both a bit ragged from the events of the day.

For what a day it had been. And how wonderfully it had ended.

 Kaeya

If you could use anything as justification for your crush on Kaeya, he did flirt with you. Unfortunately he also flirted with everyone else in Mondstadt.

“How’s my favorite knight of Favonius?” Kaeya’s cocky voice was clear as a bell, and for a moment your heart flipped as the handsome knight came into view, smile as lovely as it had been the day before.

“Blessed by the presence of our beloved cavalry captain.” You replied in a singsong voice.

The first time Kaeya had used that line on you it felt like your soul had left your body and your heart had run a marathon. Unfortunately you’d heard him use practically the same line on Rosaria the next day, his favorite mysterious nun, robbing you of your fantasy in which Kaeya had any interest for you.

Your banter however was not without genuine feeling. You were utterly infatuated with Kaeya, having fallen for the handsome knight about two weeks into your own training. Originally having been an adventurer you’d joined the knights relatively recently after a series of Abyss attacks on the City of Freedom. As such Kaeya had by then already occupied an exalted position among the ranks, and the hours of being trained, teased, and flirted at by the mysterious cavalry captain had been enough to throw you head over heels.

Not that you’d ever expect things to develop more than they already had. Having a crush on the flirtiest man in Mondstadt did mean that you were praised every once in a while, but it also meant that the praise meant little more than empty words, and that there was always someone else who had heard them. Not that you begrudged those people, not knowing them or not caring. It was Kaeya’s right to be as he was, flirty and irreverent; and you’d never ask him to change that part of himself, or any other.

To do so would be to change the person you’d grown to love.

You trotted up the steps of the Favonius headquarters, opening the door with a slight “oof” before stepping into the cool building. Today was going to be a quiet sort of day for the knights, and you’d been assigned to pick up a few books from Jean’s office to be recorded by Lisa before being sent off to the Church. Going to open the door you paused at the voices inside.

“– saying it’s nothing.”

“And I’m saying that it’s becoming a distraction. I don’t want to control your actions Kaeya, but this pining has been slowing down your work, and we need you as one of our most crucial members to be on top of things.”

“I’m not pining.”

“What do you mean you aren’t pining,” Jean let out a snort, “as if it’s not obvious to everyone around you. Look, I’m not saying you have to break things off –”

“Good, because they haven’t even begun.”

“Then maybe that’s part of your problem. Maybe if you told them you liked them then you’d be able to get back on track.”

“I’m doing my best.”

“You aren’t doing anything. And that’s the problem.”

You didn’t hear the rest of the conversation, having made your way over to the library as to make sure that you were get caught, and to cool your head in regards to what you’d just heard.

So Kaeya liked someone. You shouldn’t’ve really been surprised. Kaeya was a wonderful person; intelligent, good with a weapon, polite, handsome. What person wouldn’t fall in love with him? And when everyone’s in love with you, well, it was unsurprising that eventually Kaeya would find someone who he loved back just as much. Then, why did it hurt?

You fought the urge to wrack your brain for the people Kaeya spoke most about, finding the act beneath you. Still, your mind wandered. Perhaps it was Rosaria after all, or maybe it was only because you remembered her. Perhaps it was the sword smith who came twice monthly to check up on the weaponry. Or perhaps it was the tailor, who could sew anything with the utmost care. Or perhaps it was a musician, or an archivist, or another knight. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

Your head swam and you found your eyes stinging. Now wasn’t the time to cry, not when you needed to honor your appointment with Jean, not when you were somewhere where any one of your colleagues might discover you. Not where Kaeya might walk in any minute and realize what you’d done. This thought finally brought you out of the spiral of your mind. Making sure that any tears that might’ve escaped were wiped away you took a deep breath, steadying yourself before you walked out of the library and into Jean’s office.

Evidently you must’ve looked much worse than you thought, for Jean took one look at you and ordered you home, grumbling about how much trouble there had been recently. You thanked her half-heartedly before making your way out of the Headquarters, heart heavy as lead. At least work would’ve been a welcome distraction.

Arriving home you saw what Jean meant. Though you weren’t particularly teary, your face had taken on an ashen pallor that made it look like you’d either just gotten a shock, fainted, or had suddenly contracted consumption. Letting out a sigh you collapsed on the couch of your apartment. You knew you should probably do something, should eat or work on some extra work or something. But right now you didn’t want to do any of that. You just wanted to forget.

The knock that sounded at your door was extremely unwelcome, and you bit back bitter words as you made your way over to the door. Any protest however was silenced at the sight of Kaeya, hair slightly tussled, expression opaque, on your doorstep.

“Kaeya.” You meant to sound more peppy, but the action felt too tiring. “What’re you doing here?”

“Making sure that you’re alright. Jean told me that you looked unwell, and we can’t have our best knight getting sick, now can we?”

“I’m fine. Just a little tired.”

You went to turn around, when Kaeya reached over and place his hand on your forehead. Freezing you let out a sound somewhere between a strangled cry and a shriek. Kaeya didn’t react to this however, or the red quickly spreading across the bridge of your nose. Instead he let out a sigh, before smiling, something which also caused your heart to seize up.

“Not running a fever. I’m glad. Do you know what’s wrong by any chance?”

“Yes. No! I mean, I think, I, I just need rest.”

“You can tell me if something’s wrong. I might not be able to help, but I can try. Consider it the duty of the Cavalry Captain. Have to keep up appearances, even among the ranks.”

“Really Kaeya, I’m fine.”

“You don’t seem fine.” Kaeya’s eye seemed to pierce through your soul. “You seem… upset, exhausted. Please, let me help.”

“I can’t…” Your voice cracked and you turned your head away, mortified by your inability to control yourself.

“What do you mean you can’t?” Kaeya’s voice was filled with sudden worry. “Is someone doing something to you?”

“No! No one is. I just can’t because, because it’d be selfish.”

“What do you mean?” Kaeya’s tone had become utterly perplexed, and for a moment you felt the crazy urge to laugh. As if it wasn’t painfully obvious why you couldn’t. This was so tiring. You were so tired.

“Because it’s not fair of me to take away your happiness just because of my own feelings.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I heard you talking to Jean,” you explain, face burning, “she said that you liked someone. Or maybe you did, I don’t remember. Anyways you like someone and it’s not fair of that to hurt me, I have no right to your feelings. But, but it hurts, it really, really hurts.”

The silence when you finished was miserable. You weren’t even looking up at Kaeya, not wanting to see the destruction of a friendship you valued so much.

“Have you considered that the person I’m so infatuated with might be you?”

When you looked up you caught a wave of emotions, similar in strength to the ones currently going through you, plastered over Kaeya’s face. Happiness, sadness, regret, relief; all these things danced in his eyes. In that moment you loved him even more for it, for knowing that he understood, and that he too couldn’t hide the affects of having someone you loved so close and yet so far.

Saying nothing you walked over and slowly stretched your hand out. Kaeya took the hand in his, and you reveled in the small intimacy, in his calloused fingers enveloping yours.

“I’m not good enough.” You pointed out, voice soft.

“You aren’t the one who decides who I love.” Kaeya replied, voice firm. “To me there is no one else worthy in the world. Only you. And I hope that I can be the same for you, that I can be worthy.”

“Yes. Oh yes.”

For Kaeya was more than simply worthy. He was the one you loved the most, as well as the one who’d now made you the happiest person you could ever dream of.

#requested #genshin impact #genshin impact fanfiction #childe #ganyu #kaeya #childe x reader #ganyu x reader #kaeya x reader #scenarios #my writing

[ace-of-gay]

Hey!

Read your post on your nead death experience with the anticonvulsant (and the tea bags), which is shockingly brutal, to be frank. The brutal part is what you went through, not the post in itself.

I also scrolled a bit through your dash, and it seems like you're going through a really, really rough time. Add the chronic illness in, and it's not even a rough time with a expiry date. And I honestly have no clue how on earth you manage to pull through all of that. But it looks like there's a whole fucking hell you're pulling through, and somehow you're doing it. Honestly, I have no clue how. But the fact that you're managing through all of that is mind-blowing. To me at least. It's simply stunning and baffling, and you're freaking amazing for it.

Just wanted to let you know.

(Tw: mentions of belittling and su!cidal !deation)

Lots of rambling

4:21 AM

*Looks at time* Cool, *cracks open a monster*

Hi lovely, i truly appreciate your kindness, its words like this i put as post-it notes on my smiles wall.

Ill be honest my dash may have what others see as alot (about me) and i mean technically it does but its also just the tip of the iceberg

I grew up under the words of "hypochondriac", "too much time on my hands" and more, those are just the main 2, people constantly belittling not just how i feeling but also what i went/go through and so much more. Constantly being told that everyone deals with my same problems and thoughts and whether that be true or not it set part of my mindset in place at a very young age.

My goal in life is to bring smiles and happiness to peoples lives because i know its one of the most influential feelings one can feel.

I write poetry (not here) as my expression, not only does it put my feelings in complicated words but it helps other feel understood and like they can reach out. I will happily be there to "hold someone afloat" just to see them finally reach their potential, i want to see people heal, i want them to love living and set goals and than accomplish them.

I would not wish the other part of my mindset on anyone because it is internally damaging and i dont want to see anyone else tear themselves apart. On a daily basis ones mind screaming to off themselves, the nights when its loud i burry myself in a corner in my room farthest from anything harmful and i wait, and if thats the only thing i can do to get through it than so be it, the thoughts that are deadset that ive been alive for way too long and everyday is just dragging on the inevitable, if i die early on in my life i will still have fulfilled my goals, day by day is terrifying and i would never wish it on my worst enemy.

I stick around for my friends and family, i want to be successful, i want to get better. I use my ailments as motivation in some backwards way, i refuse to let being ill be the reason i go out, i want to leave a mark and motivate others with chronic illness and mental illness to let whats bringing them down and destroying them to build their world where theyre win because they deserve to win, they deserve freedom from the stigma of ailments.

Theres alot more that i wont get into unless asked but im an open book with maybe like 2 or 3 pages ripped out.

The mind and body are more powerful than we think, they may be harmful to themselves but theyre also very stubborn and thats whats getting me through, im a very stubborn person so being able to be vocal about my struggles is a way of coping and hoping others realize they can aswell.

I forgot to post this earlier, its been six hours since i typed this

[inside-of-a-fangirls-mind]

A Not So Lonely Hut In The Woods (Sequel- With Muriel)

A smutty sequel to A lonely hut in the woods. 

Words; 6,703

Warnings; Smut of course, muriels self destructive behavior, angst, Muriel is a little out of character but like Idk. 

Pairing; Muriel x Fem!Reader

Notes; It’s been long in the making. After playing his newest route I finally went back and finished editing this and figured I might as well post it. Time frame is shortly after hunting lucio in the woods. But it doesn’t really follow the next chapters in the story. You and Muri just need some alone time okay. 

Once his lips touched yours, your body was on fire. His rough hands on your hips, fingers just under your shirt made you melt as you tried to press your body closer to his during the kiss. His lips moved with a passion you weren't familiar with, but it didn't do anything but add to your aching desire.

"Muriel," You moaned into his mouth a hand in his hair, another on his back trying to pull him to press against your body.

He broke the kiss and just smiled at you. "Y/N," he whispered before picking you up and throwing you onto his bed, the furs bounced with you, making you giggle for a moment.

"C'mon then. Don't keep me waiting." You teased removing your shirt with a smirk. The way his eyes darkened as he dropped his fur cape tp the ground excited you more.

"Be careful what you wish for." He whispered, crawling over you on the bed, pulling your thighs flushed against either side of his hips, and pressing his hardened length against you through both your pants.

You threw your head back and moaned, followed by another as his hands removed your bra, and lips found your nipple. Both your hands desperately tangling into his hair.

"Muriel!" You moan again as he slowly grinds his hips against yours. His teeth softly pulling on your nipple before his tongue circled it, his eyes shut in concentration. You steal a glance down and moan again. The way his hair framed his face, the looking of pure bliss on him and the blush on his cheeks, oh this man would be the death of you for sure.

"Shhh." He whispers after noticing you looking at him. Pulling away from you to sit upon his knees. "Let me take care of you for once." His deep voice shook your chest, and red now flooded your cheeks as he slowly slides your pants off your legs, kissing each part of newly revealed skin.

You bit your lip as you watched him before turning your head to the side to brace yourself. But then your hips were pulled to the edge of the bed, Muriel's grin was intoxicating.

"You're so beautiful." He murmured as he placed kisses against your pelvis. You opened your mouth to say something, but when his fingers pulled your thighs apart, and his face was sinking between them, whatever you were going to say was lost in your throat.

"Muri-" you started before letting out a lusty moan as his tongue swiped over your clit experimentally. Your legs ended up over his strong shoulders, hands on your hips to pull you closer to him. Another lick, a soft kiss before finally flicking his tongue against your clit.

You groan out his name, one hand in his hair the other wrapped in the furs on the bed. "Ah- A! Muri- I- huh... Pl-please!" You begged between breaths.

He doesn't answer, but as soon as he pulls his face away, it's replaced with a finger slowly pumping into you. "Is this what you want, Y/N?" He gives you a little smirk tilting his head to the side. You glare down at him before groaning out his name, his lips moving to suck on your clit softly as you arch your back crying out.

"Y/N, Cum for me." He whispered against your skin. "Come on Y/N, Y/N." Whispering your name out like a prayer as you only moan louder when he adds a second finger.

"Muriel, I'm- go-gonna..."

"Y/N, wake up," You feel two large hands on your shoulders, shaking you away from your release. Opening your eyes to see an anxious Muriel over you, eyes wide and searching yours.

A hot blush rising to your cheeks as it sinks in, it was a wet dream... A wet dream about your boyfriend sleeping next to you. Did you moan out loud, did you call his name, can he see the damp spot you feel in your pants right now.

Muriels face relaxes a little before cupping your cheek. "Are you okay? I hope that nightmare wasn't too scary. Do you want to talk about it?" He whispers, stroking his thumb over your cheek softly.

You close your eyes a moment enjoying the feeling of his warm hand before your eyes shot open. Nightmare?!?! "Wh-what?"

Muriel looked a little stunned before sitting beside you on the bed. "You were screaming out my name, I-i thought it was a nightmare... I'm sorry." His head hung down, and he didn't look at you. Oh, this poor sweet baby, you swallowed hard how in the world do you tell him it wasn't a nightmare about him but rather a sex dream?

"Muriel.." you whisper, coming up behind him and wrapping your arms around his shoulders, placing sweet kisses to his neck and jaw. "my dear. It wasn't a nightmare about you." You whisper, soft fingers tracing his collar bones, promptly thinking how to play it off.

"Oh?" He whispered, turning his head slightly to look into your eyes for a moment.

"You were the one saving me." You hum, placing a kiss to his shoulder, well saving you from having to masturbate yeah.

The tips of his ears turned pink, and you smiled, resting your cheek against his shoulder. "I could never have a bad dream about you, my dear. You're much too sweet for that." You hum before he turns around in your arms and smiles.

"So are you." He whispers before leaning in and kissing your lips softly. You had to hold back, all the raging emotions you felt from the dream you just had bubbling up.

You pulled back from the sweet kiss with a smile. "I should get ready. I need to go to the shop today. Get some things, and so forth." You hum before cupping his cheek. "Why won't you relax until I get back. Then we can go fishing and have a nice lunch." You kiss the tip of his nose before getting out of bed.

The wetness between your legs causing you to clench your jaw for a second before changing into everyday clothes. Muriel laid back on the bed staring at the ceiling. "I could go with you?"

You bit your lip at the thought. Surely he didn't know you only wanted to go to relieve some, um, tension, "And not let you have a lazy morning in bed?" You smile and look back at him. "Take a little breather. I'll be back before you know it. Besides, Inanna's missing all the attention she normally gets." You tease looking over at the sleeping wolf curled up by the fireplace.

"Be careful." He whispers, and you smile back at him.

"I will. Don't worry about me. I still have your protection charm." You pat your bag before heading out the door. You nearly ran to your shop, needing to do something about the aching desire for your boyfriend. However, you didn't want to put it on him, it had been a while you two had been together, but things have never been of that nature yet. You would wait for him, as long as he needed you to.

What you didn't know is that Muriel knew all too well it wasn't a nightmare. He knew what those moans of his name meant. He just couldn't lay there and listen to the sinful noises you made while dreaming about him. He was never one to dwell on such sexual feelings, but with you. Oh, with you, it's all he could think about sometimes. It was dirty and wrong, but if you felt the same way? Hell, the way you cried his name in your sleep was proof of that, right?

He tried to push that all from his mind as he laid in the bed, trying not to hear your voice calling out for him. A hot blush ran over his cheeks as his cock twitched with excitement. He just couldn't get it out of his head. The star-struck look when you woke up, the hot blush over your cheeks as you stared up at him. The way your fingers traced over his. Oh boy, he was going to hell, he was sure of it.

His cock only twitched repeatedly, blood rushing south as he closed his eyes and pictured you again. Imagining what you might have been dreaming of to say his name like that, how he wanted to hear it again and again and again. Without even realizing what he was doing, his hand slide south and palmed at his cock, a soft groan working its way out of his throat. What if it was your hand? What if you were here moaning his name for him?

His head swirled as he pulled out his cock and stroked it slowly. The way your lips looked, the touch of your skin, the outline of your body. Oh, this boy had it hard. Literally. He didn't care about anything at that moment. Another soft groan falling from his lips as his hand sped up a little. How would you hold his cock, how would you do this? Slow to tease him, fast to make him cry out your name. Would it stop there? Would he be able to touch you too?  

However, he didn't anticipate you arrive back so soon. The door opened, and he didn't hear it over a groan of your name. You stood there baffled, cheeks going bright red. Your eyes wandering his body for a moment before dropping everything in your hands. They hit the ground with a crash, causing Muriel to jolt up into a sitting position, eyes locking onto yours and going a deeper red than you.

You quickly turned on your heals and jolted out the door. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!!" You cried out to him before leaning against the door. Keeping it closed. Your heart pounded in your chest, and your voice lost in your throat. Did Muriel really...? You shake your head, throwing everything out the window. Was Muriel okay?

He nearly fell out of bed, trying to get his pants back up and closed, breathing heavily with worry. Oh, gods, why did he do it, why did he. His hands flew to his hair; his eyes shut tight. You wouldn't want him now. Not with how disgusting he was. He shouldn't have even been doing that, let alone thinking of you.

"Muriel.." you speak through the door. When you hear the bed creak. "Muriel. It's okay. I promise." You place your hand against the door, followed by your forehead.

"N-no, it's not!" His voice was weak and broken. He sounded on the edge of tears.

"Muriel. Are you decent? I'm coming in." You take a deep breath to calm yourself. You couldn't let any desires get in the way of comforting him right now.

"Y/N, just go away!" His voice cracked as he spoke, and you knew he was crying. Like hell, you would leave him like this. You opened the door slowly, peeking in to see him sitting on the bed head in his hands, shaking.

"Oh, Muriel..." You whisper, crossing the room to him and pulling him into your arms. His face against your chest, stroking his hair softly. "My dear, it's okay. I shouldn't have rushed in like I did. You're only human. It's okay really." You hum to him as he cries.

"I- it's not! I- I shouldn't have!" He cried, wanting to push you away but not having the energy.

"Shush. None of that." You whisper before holding him closer to you. "We've been together for how long now? It's only natural to have some of those feelings for me. I-" you want to tell him you feel the same; you were doing the same at the shop. You know what he feels, and you wished you could voice it to him, but embarrassment holds your tongue.

"No!" He pulls away from you; head still hung low. "I- I knew y-you'd be right b-back! But s-still I couldn't stop m-myself!" He swallowed before looking at his hand, feeling disgusted with himself.

"Muri-" you started reaching out for him again, but he stands and moves right past you to the door without saying a word.

"I- I need to be alone." He whispered before disappearing from the door.

You watched him leave and felt your stomach twist. You understood it wasn't like he was supposed to just get over it. If it had been the other way around, you were sure you'd feel just the same. You sat on the bed and sighed loudly.

"Why doesn't he get I feel the same way? That I love him and want him the same way. Is he really that dense to not know I was moaning his name, not calling out for him?" You groan and pull a pillow over your face. He would be back, and you knew it.

Before long sleep overtook you, it was easier than just waiting for his return. Though when he walked through the door and saw you sleeping, he was unsure if he could even face you again. Maybe if you didn't remember him, it would be easier...

It wasn't very thought out, but he rummaged through your bag scanning for the small pouch he had given you. The only thing attaching him to you, he held it in his hand before looking over you. His life was far less embarrassing before you, and he could take the loneliness again. You deserved someone who could give you what you wanted even sexually. He couldn't; he didn't know what he was doing. He never had... This was easier.

He packed your things up and carried you gently back to your shop. He knew the way by heart, his heart pounding with every step, though would he be able to forget about you as you would him? He doubted it, but this way, you could be happy, Julian, he could make you happy. He knew what to do, how to please you. He had made Asra happy before, and that was what he wanted for you. Someone who knew what they were doing. Then you would be able to have the best life.

He opened the door to the shop and went upstairs, laying you on the bed softly. Looking over you once more, he placed a kiss to your forehead before leaving. It was easier this way. Or so he told himself.

When you awoke, you didn't remember a thing, a yawn left your lips, and you looked around. Back home? But you could have sworn you were elsewhere, but maybe it was just a dream. You stretched before going to make a cup of tea though somehow you felt empty inside and weren't quite sure why.

Days dragged on, Asra was nowhere to be seen. He was probably off on another adventure somewhere. You opened the shop as usual, and that's when Julian ran in with a surprised look on his face. "Y/N? What are you doing here?" He questioned, looking around the shop for someone else.

"I live here, Julian, why wouldn't I be here?" You chuckle, this doctor sure was strange.

"Where's your boyfriend?" He questioned, looking around the shop, "C'mon mountain man, don't hide from Dr. Devorak!" He chuckled, looking around.

"Boyfriend?" You pondered over the word for a second before shaking your head. "I don't have one."

Julian's face froze as he slowly turned to you. "D-did you guys break up or...?"

"I haven't had one. What are you talking about?" You ask before wiping down the counters of the shop. "Why is there so much dust!"

Julian swallowed before running through what might if happened in his head. "Asra! We need Asra!" He ran out of the shop, but a few seconds later, popped back in. "you coming?"

"W-what? Asra's on a journey, isn't he?" You looked at the red-haired doctor, dumbfounded.

"Oh, this is not good. C'mon!" He grabs your hand and pulls you out of the shop towards the Palace at a quick speed. You couldn't keep up with his long legs, and he was dragging you through the streets.

"Julian! Slow down!" You yell at him, but he doesn't listen at all.

"No time! This is very bad, Y/N!"

Soon enough, you are at the Palace sitting with Asra, Julian, Nadia, and Portia.

"Y/N, what all do you remember?" Asra asks before taking your back and looking through it.

"I remember going to the Palace to help with Lucio's murder, finding Julian, and then going somewhere. I don't know where. Then I was back here at the shop. Why?" You look between your friends for clues.

"Y/N, Do you remember why you went somewhere?" Nadia questioned as she ordered a servant to bring you some tea.

"I- I remember Lucio's mom. Right? She wanted to find him or something?" You try your hardest to remember, but unlike your other memories, these are just gone, no headache or nothing.

"Oh, he didn't..." Asra whispered before handing you back your bag.

"Can someone tell me what's going on?!" You don't know what to think, what the hell happened.

Everyone leaves the room, but Asra and you. You press your fingers into your temple, trying to force the memories back, but it's no use.

"Y/N. Here..." He hands you a small bag, and it smells strangely familiar.

"Asra what is th-" you stop for a moment as everything floods back to you at once. Muriel, the journey south, staying with him, what happened that morning... "Oh, Muriel. I gotta go!" You nearly shout jolting from your chair with the small bag in hand and running through the Palace.

You are breathing hard by the time to reach the forest, but you keep going. Muriel may be a bit cold, but you knew he was suffering without you. Was he really that embarrassed that he rather not have you remember anything?

You are soon at his door reaching for the handle, but you remember what started everything and knock instead, trying to catch your breath.

When he opens the door eyes red and tear-stained cheeks, your heart nearly breaks. "Oh, you idiot!" You say, still trying to breathe normally before wrapping your arms around his neck tightly. "Did you really think that would keep me away forever." You whisper to him, your heart pounding in your chest.

Muriel doesn't know what to say; his hands hover over your shoulders but doesn't touch you. "it's better if you forget and be happy " his voice is weak; it sounds like all he's been doing is crying.

You lock eyes with him before pushing him back inside and nearly throwing him on the bed. He looks shocked, when did you get so strong? Well, anger and lust and everything else boiling up in you made this possible.

"You listen here, Muriel. You're not just going to get rid of me like that. It's not happening. After everything we've been through, I know you don't want me gone. You've been crying for how long now? Do you really think you don't deserve happiness, that what you did was so unforgivable? Muriel, my dear." You sigh and cup his cheeks in your hands before leaning in closer.

"My sweet Muriel," you glance to his lips before wiping tears away with your thumb. "If only you had known, I feel the same way." His shocked face didn't last long as you push your lips into his rather clumsily. His hands hovering over your hips as you sat in his lap.

One hand going to his hair while the other took his hand and placed it on your hip. "Muriel. Dammit. I love you." You whisper leaning your forehead into his trying to still your pounding heart.

He didn't say a word for a long time. You just held each other close the rest of the world fading away. "if you need time to do that, just tell me somehow. I'll be more than happy to leave for a while. I want you happy, Muriel, but I hope you can let me do it for you one day." A soft blush covered your cheeks, and you could feel the heat coming from his own.

"Y-Y/N?" He studdered out breathlessly, his face pressing into your neck as his arms tighten on your waist, pulling you closer to him.

"Yes, Muriel. It's okay. I'm here." You whisper, running your fingers through his hair softly.

"I-I'd like that..." He whispered against your skin, wanting to tell you he didn't know what he was doing, and he didn't know how to please you, and he was so scared and nervous to hurt you.

You're a little shocked, but a smile creeps over your lips. "We don't have to rush. I can take the lead. Muriel, it's okay. Have you ever... Been with someone like this?" You needed to know.

He shook his head no, and everything made sense. He was scared, and a virgin and this was all so scary to him.

You cupped his cheeks again and pulled his face to look at you. "Muriel, my love. Don't be afraid. I'll take care of you. Like I always do, okay?" You placed soft kisses just under his eyes before nuzzling your nose against his cheeks as a sweet smile crossed his lips.

"I- want to take care of you too," He whispered his voice was so low you wouldn't have heard it if you weren't so close to him.

"And you will. Trust me. With you, it won't take much." You smile before giving him a quick kiss. "Now lay down. It's been too long since I've gotten to hold you mister, and running here has made me tired." You crawl off his lap and lay down, pulling his head to lay on your chest, your fingers twirling his hair around.

"Y/N," he whispered as your eyelids felt heavy, and you let out a yawn.

"Yeah, Muriel?" You hum, sleep almost taking you over.

"Love you too." He whispered into your chest, and it made you smile before pulling him closer.

"I know.." and then you were out.

The next few days went on as if nothing happened. It was just normal, you could say. Muriel made jokes and laughed with you. You teased him and called him cute just to see him blush. Everything was how it should be.

Until you woke up one morning noticing Muriel wasn't as close to you as you would like, the fire had gone out, and it was a little chilly. You backed up until your back was flush against him and smiled about to fall back asleep when you noticed a stiffness right up against your ass.

You swallowed and glanced back to him; he was just starting to wake up. You grabbed his hand and held it to your chest, so you kept him close and placed kisses to his knuckles.

"Good morning, sleepyhead." You hum with a smile on your lips. He mumbles something like a good morning before smiling into your hair. But when he shifts to pull you closer, he feels it. The hardness between his legs and he knows you feel it too. He wants to run and hide again, but you're holding his arm.

"Muriel." You whisper, turning your head to look back at him with a smile. The blush on his cheeks is distinguished, but it just makes him look even better. "Remember how I said I would take care of you? I want to know if I can." Your eyes searched his face before turning to face him.

"Y/N, I don't- you don't- we- uh." He studdered out, unsure how to tell you he wants it, but you don't have too.

You put your finger to his lips, a soft smile on yours before interlocking your fingers together. "If you want to give it a shot, squeeze my hand. We can stop at any time you don't want to. All you will have to do is pull your hand from mine, and I will stop. No words needed. I just wish to take care of you." You smile and look at him through half-lidded eyes. Just feeling how hard he was made your stomach twist and turn in all the right ways.

He swallowed, and you watched how his Adam's apple bobbed before he squeezed your hand, closing his eyes tightly. You bring his hand to your lips and give a soft kiss. "Okay. I'll start slow." You whisper before leaning in and kissing him. He knows this part by heart now. Your lips' melting into each other, your tongue darting out to meet his own. It was like a dance, and he knew all the steps.

However, when your other hand pushed him onto his back and straddled his thighs, the blush on his cheeks worsened. But you just set your hand on his chest, keeping up with the kiss. Your teeth softly biting his bottom lip, and he let out a slight groan. You felt it in your core, and your free hand slowly slides down his chest heading south. His muscles tightened under your touch, but he did nothing to try and stop you.

Once your fingers brushed against the edge of his pants, he moaned into your mouth, unable to contain it. Breaking the kiss and covering his face with his arm. You keep your hand still for a moment. "You want me to keep going?" You leaned down and placed soft kisses against the scars on his chest; the only response was a squeeze to the hand that held yours.

You leaned up and kissed his arm softly, "Okay." You nodded to yourself before gently placing your hand over the hard bludge in his pants; he stiffened under you instantly, every muscle going taunt. "Just try to relax. I promise it's okay." You hum affectionately to him softly rubbing at him. He opened his mouth to say something, but all that came out was a moan.

You clenched your thighs a moment on him before forcing yourself to relax. Oh boy, this was going to be hard, not just to tear his clothes off. You slowly picked up the pace, fingers wrapped around the outline of his cock as much as possible while you rubbed him. Soft moans filled the air, and his hips weakly thrust up into your hand.

Just stay calm, don't get too excited too fast. You knew you had to take care of him, and this was going to determine how soon this could be done again. Just keep your cool. "I'm going to take your pants off now. Is that okay?" You whisper, your hand slowly loosening the ties that held them together.

"Pl-please…" he barely whispered, and you almost didn't hear it, but it made you smile.

"I need my hand back for a second. But as soon as I get them off, you can have it again." His fingers slowly release your hand as you work on getting his pants undone. Both his hands now covering his face as his breathing quicken. Once they are untyed, you slowly slide them off his hips, he lifts his hips to help too.

You don't take them all the way off just in case, but push them past where you are sitting on his thighs. "Muriel." You whisper, slowly moving his hands from his face. You swear his cheeks were as red as Julian's hair. You bit your lip not to let out a giggle before placing a sweet kiss on his lips. "You're doing amazing. Let me just make you feel good, okay?"

He stares up at you wanting to look away but can't, his hand goes to the back of your neck and pulls you down against his body, locking his lips with yours. You moan softly into his mouth when you feel his cock pressed against the front of your pants, which causes him to thrust his hips up into you slightly.

The kiss is messy like you are devouring each other's soul each time your lips meet. You place your elbows beside his head to hold you up as you rub your hips slowly against his cock, a moan erupting from both of you breaking the kiss.

"I'm sorry. I just.." you start trying to explain what you were doing. His hands found your waist and whimpered softly, thrusting up against you to create some friction.

"Y-you ah! Let me k-know if you're not okay. Okay?" You gasp out before locking eyes with him as he nods. You place your hands on his chest, pushing your self up before rubbing your most sensitive clothed area over his cock, throwing your head back with a moan. His eyes never left your body, his hands following the movement of your hips.

Maybe he was just desperate, or perhaps he knew you'd take care of him, or just needed this, needed you as severely as you did. You weren't sure, but you had a feeling slow wouldn't be the pace for long.

You slide your hand between the two of you and wrapped your fingers around his cock, slowly stroking in time with grinding your hips on him. His moans got a little louder, his hand gripping the furs tightly. It only made you speed up your hand as you slide your hips back to his thighs as you let your thumb slide over his tip, which was continually leaking pre-cum now.

"Muriel.." You whisper leaning down to place sweet kisses against his stomach, his hips thrust up into your hand without warning as another moan slipped from his lips. You looked up at him, making sure there was no discomfort in his face before you leaned down and slowly licked over his head as his eyes met yours before his head fell back against the pillow.

"O-OH! f-fu-fuck." He whispers under his breath before gripping tighter onto the furs on the bed. You smile at his reaction before slowly taking his head into your mouth, your tongue lazily swirling over it as you hand pumped at his length. His body started to tremble as his hip's thrusts became more random, making you moan against his cock.

He fucking lost it at that, the vibrations, your tongue, your hand. He couldn't take it anymore before his back arched slightly, his hand moving to your shoulder to brace himself and push you away as he let out a loud moan of your name. "Y-Y/N! A-Ah!" And spent himself onto your hand and his stomach, his hips lazily thrusting through his orgasm before his body went limp under you.

You smile before chuckling and removing your hand, slowly licking his cum off your fingers, "You know I wouldn't of minded if you finished in my mouth." You hum looking over him. His blush running from the tips of ears down his chest, getting lost somewhere in his chest hair.

You see his face cringe for a moment before turning to the side and rest against the pillow panting. "Th- that's uh- gro-" He spoke before you chuckled again, causing him to peek at you as you run your tongue over his stomach collecting everything he spilled out.

"Says who?" You hum once you're done with the biggest smile on your face. He just stares at you before swallowing hard, realizing he has no idea how to return the favor.

You crawl up and lay beside him, running your fingers through his sweaty hair with a bright smile on your lips. His hand grabbed yours out of his hair, bringing your knuckles to his lips, giving each a soft kiss.

"S-Show me how to do... that to you." He whispers before cupping your cheek with his other hand.

" you don't ha-"

"No, I want to," He quickly cut you off before glancing away and looking back to you. "please." His voice was soft, and it pulled at your heartstrings in the right way.

"Only if you are comfortable with that." You whisper before placing a soft kiss to his lips. He nodded way to eagerly before slowly pushing you to lay back on the bed.

"I want to make you feel good too." He whispered before he hid his face in your neck, covering it with soft kisses and soft bites. You let out a soft moan before smiling and reaching down to remove your pants and underwear.

You take his hand in yours, closing your eyes as you trace his fingertips over your body, templing under his touch. He was pure magic, and if he knew it would be the end of you. You open your eyes when he pulls his head back to watch your hand guiding him. You let out a soft chuckle as you slide his hand down between your legs nervously. This surely was something you've never done before.

"Basically. you just touch here," You whisper, leading his finger to your clit as you let out a moan under his calloused fingertip. "Or you insert here..." You bit your lip as you trace his finger through your wetness to your entrance lining him up. But before you could push his finger in, he pushes softly and pops the tip of his finger into you.

"Like this?" His eyes wide as he looks up at you to make sure he's doing the right thing. You nod, biting your lip harder before closing your eyes.

"Just like that, deeper, different speeds. Whatever you want." You whisper almost breathless. Your thighs still slightly shaking you have waited for this so long...

Muriel watches your face closely as he pushes his finger in little by little until he's at his knuckle, forcing a moan out of your throat. He is utterly starstruck by the way you sound, the look of your eyebrows knitted together, the way you feel around his finger. Oh, it was sending more heat between his legs.

He slowly pulled the finger out and pushed it back in, curling it slightly to hit a soft spot inside you. "Mu- Muriel!" You cry out softly, a hand reaching to grip onto his shoulder and his heart pounds in his chests. He NEEDS to hear that sound again. He slowly gets the hang of it, pumping it in and out of you while curling against that sensitive spot just to hear you moan out his name.

But soon enough, you feel his hardened cock on your leg again and tilt his chin to look up at you. "D- do you want to go further?" You whisper in between another moan as he doesn't stop moving his finger. Muriel blushes softly before looking away from you back down to where his finger was seated entirely inside you.

"If you would like.." He lets out a soft sigh and pumps his finger one more time before removing it from you. The smell of you was intoxicating; he was curious if you tasted just as good. Without thinking, he sucked your juices off his finger, your eyes go wide, watching him before holding your hand to your heart.

"You're killing me, Muriel." You tease softly before hooking your legs around his waist and using all your weight to flip him over on his back with a grin. You go to remove your shirt, his hands finding the end sitting up to help you he smiles softly. His hands tracing over your body slowly: committing every dip, every stretch mark, every dimple, freckle, scar, or what you would call an imperfection to memory. You were the most beautiful thing he has ever seen.

"I'm going to do all the work, you just relax and enjoy okay?" You whisper before placing one hand on his shoulder as you rise to your knees. The other moving to sink into your wetness using it to coat his cock before lining up to your entrance. "You ready?" You whisper before he nods, his hands holding onto your hips to help you hold your weight up. You smile at him as you slowly sink down onto his cock, letting out a soft moan.

His face instantly buries into your neck, groaning loudly, his hips thrusting up the best they could in this position. It was everything he ever thought this would feel like and so much more. His lips parted, and his breathing was already rough as you lifted your self to ride his cock slowly. His hands are gripping your hips tightly.

"Y-Y/N," He whispered breathlessly like a prayer, "Oo- oh Gods.." It was nothing more than mumbles into your skin, but it set your soul ablaze. Grinding your hips against his, throwing your head back moaning as his lips found your neck planting wet sloppy kisses. Anything to tell you he loves you since his voice failed him right now.

You two moved in perfect rhythm neither fast nor slow, just enough to feel as if you were merging into each other—hearts beating as one together as you lifted and retook his cock.

"O-ooh! Mur- F-fuck Muriel!" You pant softly, only letting out a loud moan when his thumb slipped between the two of you and found your clit, rubbing sloppy circles over it. Feeling his cock twitch inside you with each movement, feeling so full from everything about him.

"Y/N I-i n-not go-onna... Oh, F-f-fuck Yo-your so-so tig- Ahh!" He moaned out, barely able to make actual sentences anymore. His hips snapped up into yours, causing you to bounce on him faster, hips grinding down against his hips and thumb every time you sank down. Your hands tangled in his hair, keeping him close to you as you groaned out his name.

"C-Cum for me Muriel.." You whisper bounced harder with each snap of his hips, moaning out so the whole forest could hear your pleas. He sucked on your neck softly before gripping onto your sides, hips thrusting rigidly before his body shuddered under yours. He was causing your walls to clench around him. His cock twitched as he pushed as hard as he could into you, moaning out your name as he spilled everything inside of you. You followed a moment later body trembling as your legs gave out, clinging to him tightly. Moan out his name like he was all you would ever need.

You two didn't move for quite some time, the small hut filled with the irregular breathing from you both. Your bodies slick with sweat and other liquids, but you didn't mind. You let out a soft chuckle running fingers through his hair again, keeping him against you.

Only when you felt soft drops hitting your shoulder did you pull back to see tears covering his cheeks. Oh no... You cupped his cheeks, kissing away his tears. "What's wrong Muriel?" You coo at him, stroking his cheeks gently. Praying this wasn't a mistake, and he didn't regret it. But the smile he showed you made you feel so warm inside.

"I- I never. I didn't." He paused, trying to figure out what he wanted to say, you sat waiting while stroking his cheeks still. "You want me. I- I never thought I- I could have this. Let alone you. Y/N, do you even know how much I love you. How long I've loved you?" His smile and eyes tell you everything. He must have felt this way before you died before everything was crazy. Before everything went terrible and yet you still found your way back to him. To his arm, his love, you now knew this feeling you felt when you around him.

It was home; finally, you had returned to your home.

"Oh Muriel, I love you too, so much." Tears welled in your eyes as you both held each other crying. He was definitely worth the wait, and you would wait a million lifetimes for him if it took that.

"I'll always love you, Y/N."

"And I'll always find my way back to you, Muriel."

#muriel the hermit #muriel the arcana #muriel x reader #muriel and asra #Muriel #muriel x apprentice #muriel x mc #The Arcana Game #Muriel smut #Muriel lemon #Muriel fanfic #julian devorak #he actually saves the day #asra and apprentice #muriels hut #muriels route #the Arcana fandom #I actually cried writing this #muriel is baby #idk i tried

[hinac0lada]

I DON’T LIKE YOUR SHAMPOO

CHARACTER PAIRING | oikawa tooru x gn!reader

INFO | soulmate!au, fluff

WORDS | 1.9k 

NOTE | by the time i’m probably posting this, is one day before my beloved’s birthday FNKLFNGK ngl i’m pretty excited and i hope ya’ll are too (besides the fact that the manga is coming to an end but let’s not talk about that-) 

WARNINGS | NONE

more to see under the cut!

you live in a world where soulmate marks exist. everyone has different types of marks ranging from; timers, red strings of fate, roman numerals, half tattoos, etc. as you grow old, you watch people find their soulmates, and on some unfortunate occasions, lose them. 

each person had different views on the concept of soulmates, it wasn’t sunshine and rainbows all the time, but you stayed neutral after receiving every side of the spectrum that varied from the good side —  as well as the bad side of meeting their other halves.

you knew you were bound to meet your own soulmate either way, but you wouldn't get your hopes up just like that — until you received your soulmate mark on the morning of your 15th birthday.

it was a beautiful tattoo on your wrist. written were the words that your soulmate would say to you on your first encounter. your parents told you that the time and date of your encounter with them — along with their words to you, would turn golden as soon as you’ve said your first words to each other; just like how their soulmate mark worked. and although you were aware that every mark is different, you couldn’t help but raise a brow from confusion at the sentence that was permanently placed on your wrist.

‘well to be honest, i don’t like your perfume’

it read, an intriguing way to say to your soulmate, you thought to yourself. and that night, you couldn’t help but admire the pretty letterings on your wrist; rubbing your thumb against it, grinning from ear to ear like a fool. 

days went by from when you received your tattoo, you’d constantly wonder what your soulmate was like or when and how you were going to meet them. tracing your fingers along the tattoo turned into a habit whenever you’re bored or anxious about something. to add to that, the thought of their existence would sometimes consume you, and you’d be stuck in a loophole of questions and doubts. 

‘what if they don’t like me? or what if they don’t want to be my soulmate? what if they think i’m ugly? or a disappointment?’ 

regardless of the negative thoughts and worries you had in your head everyday, you were still eager to meet them — even if it takes a thousand years, a thousand hours, or maybe even if they are a thousand miles away, you can’t wait for the day that you’d get to meet them.

or what if it only takes a few months, or a few days? maybe even a few seconds? what if they were across the world? or just across the street? possibly next door? in spite of knowing not to get your hopes up, you can’t resist the anticipation of being face to face with the person you were promised to ever since the very beginning of your existence. 

and every day, you’d hold on to the wrist with your mark — the symbol of a promise to true love, hoping fate decides to take place sooner than expected. 

unbeknownst to you however, your true love was just within arm’s reach all this time.

it was the most awaited day of the academic year, the time where stressed out seniors get to relax for a whole day to indulge themselves in new sights and bond with their fellow batch mates before the dreaded era of finals — field trip day. 

everyone had their own plans, going to after school hang outs right after the planned trip, a handful bringing digital cameras to capture each moment , that one kid in class who has great taste in music providing the speaker, and the rest just going with the flow of today’s agenda.

while the majority of students did plan their seating arrangements on the bus, you, on the other hand, decided against it. in your opinion, it wasn’t a big deal. it was just a 2 hour drive to the destination so what could possibly go haywire? plus, it didn’t matter who was your companion on the bus, it’d open up the opportunity to get to know unfamiliar faces, being divided by classes and all, so what could possibly go wrong?

maybe, possibly everything.

who would’ve thought, out of all of your batch mates, you get to sit beside the grand king himself, oikawa tooru.

it wasn’t like his personality was completely intolerable, it’s the complete opposite, really. he was charming, greeting you with a close eyed grin before sitting down next to you. in the face of all the chaos his friends warned you the male would bring— plus the many chilling glares from his countless fan girls, his presence never shook you the wrong way at all.

you weren’t complete strangers, but you weren’t well acquainted either. you were in a different class and the only time you’d see his pretty face was when you’d pass each other in the hallways. but, what's there not to like about oikawa tooru? he was attractive, a gentleman, a charmer, a friendly being, and everything was as easy as apple pie.

“hey, just a heads up, shittykawa over here has a habit of sleeping on anyone’s shoulder. don’t be afraid to push his head aside when you’re uncomfortable.” iwaizumi hajime, his best friend and the hunk of aoba johsai, patted your shoulder reassuringly before taking his seat behind the two of you, alongside him was hanamaki takahiro and matsukawa issei - who were snickering at the flustered setter beside you. 

for some reason, you thought iwaizumi was just joking or he said that to make oikawa look bad — in which he failed. and so you didn’t take his statement seriously, disregarding it completely. and now you regret ever doing so, because it turned out to come true, eventually biting you back in the ass.

things took a turn when you suddenly felt the weight of the world on your shoulder  — idiomatically and literally.

it was exactly 30 minutes into the drive to your destination and you were on your phone to pass by the time, minding your own business when you suddenly felt pressure on your shoulder. you peered at your shoulder, only to be met with the sight of a sleeping oikawa, snoring lightly with his lips slightly parted.

you stayed still as a rock, not wanting to disturb his slumber - which he probably needed. although you didn’t plan to get him off your shoulder any time soon, you were clueless as to what to do if he doesn’t wake up. you glanced at his friends, who were expecting the whole thing to happen.

“do you need help with him?” hanamaki questioned, taking notice of your gaze at their trio. iwaizumi took your loss of words as agreement and got ready to shake his friend awake, until you stopped him.

“i-it’s okay.. i don’t mind really,” you reassured the three, giving a warm smile before focusing back on your phone, catching glimpses of the sleeping oikawa once in a while. you were far from annoyed. if anything else, you found it comforting for no apparent reason, his warmth that is. 

once you knew he was deep in rest, you shifted to a much more comfortable position for the two of you, one where you can almost smell his scent. which was a big mistake, because you remembered your allergies to this specific shampoo which was unfortunately the one he had right now. 

loreal shampoo.

oh the terror it gave you, you started to get war flashbacks to when you used it on your own hair as well, the horror of sneezing until your eyes were watery sent shivers down your spine at the cringe. 

and as much as you attempted to conceal your allergies, it backfired in the end and now you were left in a mess; sneezing profusely while scrambling to get your medications. you cursed your sensitive nostrils, seeing as you’ve woken up the brunette beside you, unaware of the situation at hand, his half lidded eyes looking around in a daze.

in the process of consuming your medicine, he asked if you were okay, rubbing the tiredness away from his eyes. 

“i.. don’t like your shampoo.” you managed to reply back in the midst of trying to calm down from the sudden attack of your allergies. oikawa, being clueless as to what you were trying to imply, took offense in your words. yet you couldn’t blame him, your answer was quite vague and it caught him off guard.

“well to be honest, i don’t like your perfume,” he retorted back with a pout embellishing his features, earning him an awfully painful smack on the back of his head from iwaizumi, accompanied with the eye rolls coming from hanamaki and matsukawa.

“dumbass, they have rhinitis. your shampoo triggered their allergies” iwaizumi explained to the setter, who was wincing in agony from the impact. You were on the verge of apologizing when the words that escaped his lips gave a sense of familiarity, as though you were accustomed to the sentence.

and then it both hit you. oikawa’s brown eyes dilated with realization, that look of his says it all. it was happening. how could you ever forget those words you were longing to hear, those words that you knew would bring you to your destiny someday?

it felt too surreal, you were immobilized with disbelief and shock. 

but then you felt an itch on your hand. and in a synchronized manner, you and oikawa looked at your own wrists, it was really happening. he was your soulmate. your promised lover. 

‘7/19/20.

2:20 PM’

the letters read in gold ink, a sight to behold. (e/c) irises clashed with one of chocolate brown, filled with bewilderment. your face heated up at the sight of his pink tinted cheeks. you’ve found your way home.

“what’s going on? they’re acting strange...” matsukawa whispers in hanamaki’s ear, baffled at the scene in front of him. iwaizumi then points a finger at their wrists, the distinct color of gold catching his attention.

after a while of literally staring into each other’s souls, a hearty laugh escapes your lips. the corners of oikawa’s lips tugged into a genuine smile, in which you reciprocated with one of your own. 

you were grateful that your first encounter was one of mediocrity - in a good way, of course. it was as if you were meeting an old friend, the warmth that his gaze holds gave you a sense of comfort. 

that smile of his was practically screaming ‘you’re home’. you’ve finally met your soulmate; face to face, and now your destiny rests in his hands, while his rests on your own.

the situation eventually calmed down and you two finally accepted the fact that you are soulmates. the bus was silent, light snores echoing, and everything was tranquil. you could see oikawa’s struggle from the corner of your eyes, his eyelids getting heavier for the nth time, trying not to repeat his mistake from earlier. 

“oikawa-”

“tooru, call me tooru please,” he corrected, a lopsided grin plastered on his face. his eyes fluttering, attempting to stay awake. 

“tooru, it’s okay, you can sleep on my lap instead,” you chuckled, hearing him mumble his gratitude, his head making its way to your lap. it was as if immediately, he was off to dream land once again, your hands gently running through his soft locks whilst trying to doze off as well.

“y’know, i think we should recommend each other products sometime.”

“good idea, maybe after this trip, tooru.”

“deal. well, good night.. my soulmate.”

“sweet dreams, my home.”

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#haikyuu!! #haikyuu #haikyuu x reader #haikyū!! #oikawa tooru #oikawa fic #oikawa haikyuu #oikawa tōru #oikawa x reader #oikawa scenarios #soulmate #soulmate au #grand king #grand king's week #seijoh #seijoh x reader #aoba jōsai #aobajosai x reader #haikyuu oikawa #hq x reader #hq x you #hq headcanons #hq oikawa #haikyuu drabbles #haikyuu soulmate au #oikawa torū #hq!! #alex writes #xandra writings

[heyheshi]

Her

2.8k words

written and uploaded: September 10 - 11, 2020

🌙 - angst

Please like and reblog! Also please don't post my writings anywhere!

I'm sorry this is a bit late, I was really busy the whole day! Also i feel like this isn't too angsty or this isn't as heartbreaking as i wanted it to be haha probably because I'm too tired right now, it's 3:00 am where I live but i really wanted to write it since this concept has been with me since i first started writing and i feel like i can nail it since me and this guy broke up just this last Saturday lol. But idk i don't think i gave this one a justice but please let me know!!

Also i tweeked some of the details of the whole album release as well as the album/song meaning/interpretation itself.

Btw! I'm planning on writing a second part and hopefully a third part which will have a spin off so tell me if you want me to write it!

Stream the songs in BOLD LETTERS AKA THE WHOLE ALBUM.

Masterlist

_________

You're proud. You're so proud of him, so fucking proud of your best friend - your boyfriend. You don't remember the last time you felt like this - you're anxious, excited, scarred - everything and you felt like you might pass out with every tick of the seconds of the clock.

You look like a crazy person. Sitting at the end of the edge of the couch, your foot tapping rapidly along with your ranging mind. Your natural nails now looks awful from how much you've bitten it for God knows how long. Your hair disheveled together with your now wrinkled clothes.

Harry on the other hand looks calm - too calm for your liking and you wanna scream at him for still looking so good even though you know he's also just as tense as you, maybe even more, but you can't. Not on one of the most special occasions in his life.

Tonight is the release date of his second solo album "Fine Line". You couldn't fathom how much sleepless nights he went through just to produce this - along with the crew and you couldn't be any less prideful. Harry has been so hands on, from the tunes, to the lyrics, to the instrumentals, to the photo shoot for the album cover, and even in the promo of the album.

You know everything he went through just to make it to his success right now. All the hardships, the pain, the tears, the laughter, the love - you've been there every step of the way. You never left him like how he left her.

And on that note, you felt like it's unfair if you get to hear the album first. Yes, you're there throughout the making but you never heard all of it. Harry insisted that you listen to the album after he's done recording it and as much as you'd love to, you politely declined and protested to just hear it along with the rest of the world, to which he agreed to.

There's just this thrill you're looking for, the thrill of having something you've wanted for a long time. The desire. The hunger. The yearn of hearing it for the first time after waiting for endless nights.

It's like being away from Harry and waiting in your room, longing for his touch, his kiss, his voice, and his presence and when he comes back - all of those explodes within you and it leaves you with the magical feeling that you couldn't feel anywhere else.

The process has been painful for you. He recorded in a different country and you had to do long distance again. At first it was fine but as the weeks passed, it got harder and harder for the both of you - being away from each other - so H insisted that you flew across the world to join him.

You didn't hesitate to say yes but even then, Harry always stays at the studio for days and comes home only for him to leave again but you understand. It's his work and you knew what you signed up for when you became his girlfriend and you vowed to yourself to fight and do everything you can for this relationship.

He was great though, took you on dates when he can and tried to spend as much time as he can with you because he knows that after the release of his album, the interviews will surely be nonstop and he'll be away again to plan for his promotional tour. You'd wake up with cute notes more often than not, flowers were also delivered almost everyday to where you two are staying.

But you felt it. You felt that he was slowly slipping away. You know it deep inside but you pretended not to notice. Too afraid of being kicked out of this world you created for the two of you. But perhaps he never really slipped away because maybe he was never truly yours in the first place.

Harry is so excited for you to hear his second baby so when the alarm clock went off, he quickly refreshed the website and played the first song. Golden.

You love the vibe. It's only the first song but you know that it'll be added to your personal playlist to jam with. He was looking at you the whole time, gauging your reaction but stayed quiet. The living room's filled with his voice and the lively instrumentals until the outro.

Maybe you're wrong. Maybe he wasn't slipping away and maybe he was truly yours before - and until now. Maybe it was just your mind playing tricks on you. Maybe, just maybe. A fifty - fifty chance for everything you don't know but you didn't let it eat you.

Next, the Watermelon Sugar. It is the song you knew will be a single and will have a music video. Just because you haven't heard the album before doesn't mean it stops Harry from sharing details here and there to you.

Your thoughts ran wild with thought of what the music video could be. The song is everything and you couldn't stop humming along with it and based on your reactions, he knew that he made the right choice of picking it as a single.

He's still yours. He loves you and he never slipped through your fingertips. You're most likely forcing yourself to believe it and so far it's working but you know you have to talk to Harry about the two of you sooner or later because it's not healthy for your health at all - the uncertainty that's currently laying in your persona.

The next two songs - Adore You and Lights Up - are the one's you've already heard before since those are the two that have a music video that came out before his album. Adore You is your favorite song. You're maybe being biased but the song just gives you great energy and you absolutely adored the concept of the video, as well as Harry's looks.

But the Lights Up hits different. You were there when they shoot it but you were sick so you didn't get go watch how they did it and you remembered watching the video for the first time and getting really really bothered by it that Harry had to take you to the nearest ice cream shop to calm you down. Your boyfriend looked so hot in it.

You're enjoying the album so far and you're almost too sure that nothing is wrong - or so you thought. It's silly but for some reason you felt like your relationship lies on this album.

Cherry came next, before, you thought it's gonna be upbeat like the Watermelon Sugar and Kiwi but oh boy, it's the opposite. It's not only the tune. It's the song itself that made you wanna walk out of the room.

You love songs like this, the type of songs that cuts deep within your soul. The type of song that can make you cry instantly but this is different.

You know the song is about her and if it the lyrics wasn't enough to slap you in the face, the voicemail at the end surely did. But this one hits different. Maybe it's because it shows you that Harry is not entirely yours in your relationship and that something inside him longs wants to have her again and it hurts. It crushes you but you're staying strong because like before, it's not certain - a maybe, there's still a chance and you're clinging into that like your life depends on it.

You couldn't look up. You know Harry is watching you. He tried to hide the outro, he almost clicked the button for the next track but you held your hand as a sign to stop. He couldn't hide it from you. The outro is still ringing in your ears like it's coming to get you. You can't. You just simply can't. Her voice with his giggles made you wonder what's running through his mind when he decided to put the voicemail.

You tried to hold your emotions and waited for the next song to start but it didn't get any better. Falling made your tears fall, finally. And when your boyfriend asked you if you're okay, the only response you told him was that, "you were so good with this it's making me really emotional", and he bought it.

He bought your lie. You don't know if you shall be happy or not. Happy because you wouldn't need to explain yourself further or sad because Harry believed it instantly without even asking if you're really okay for the second time.

The chorus hits different. You're baffled at how much emotion he put in that particular song. It felt so wrong but you couldn't do anything about it. You're sad. You're hurt. You don't know what will happen next. So you did what you do best - pretend that everything is alright.

Your mind was absent through the next two songs - To Be So Lonely and She. You still can't get over from the previous songs and it guilt you that you couldn't appreciate these songs as much as it shall be appreciated. All you know is that if Harry made it, it's fucking incredible.

He did mention to you in a low voice that To Be So Lonely is one of his favorites and oh you fucking wonder why but you didn't say it out loud, you kept quiet and pretended that you're analyzing every second of the song. And when he told you that She could be added to your love-making playlist, you only nodded.

The thought of it being added to your love-making playlist sickens you to the core specially now that you're almost too certain that this one is also about her, though you didn't reprimanded.

You tried to compose yourself along with the next song Sunflower, Vol. 6. You faked being happy just for the sake of this day. Yes, it is a happy and loving song but you couldn't enjoy it without overanalyzing the lyrics and the same goes to the next song Canyon Moon.

Who is the "Sunflower" Harry is referring to? You or her? Who will he be coming home to? Will he come running into your arms or will he seek warm in her presence? You hate to question it and you hate feeling this way but you're far too deep and you just wanted to get this night over.

Treat People with Kindness reminded you of your childhood cartoon theme songs and it eased you out. It also made you smile for the first time since Cherry and you could tell that Harry's relieved. It was the first time you looked up from the carpet and you almost thought that the next song is your saving grace. It's the final song anyway.

And it is. The only problem is that the song is you right now. Fine Line. The chorus kept repeating and it made you question your relationship. Is your relationship a fine line? Will the two of you be alright?

Thank God it's the last song because you couldn't wait to ask Harry something that really bothered you tonight. You need to know for your sake and for the sake of this relationship.

You'll be lying if you said you only shed a tear on the last song. No, you sobbed and Harry tried to console you and asked what's wrong and its now or never.

Harry beat you to speaking first though, he asked you why did you cried and you only told him, "I'm so proud of you and I couldn't stop my tears from flowing and I love you so much.", which is not a lie but not the whole truth either.

He only nodded and kissed your forehead as a way of saying his thanks. You're certain that he can feel that you're tired so he chooses to stay quiet and you know that he's already planning for a day off for the both of you tomorrow so you can properly tell him your thoughts on his album.

You we're about to ask him. Ask him if he still loves her but the tune of his phone ringing made you stop. He silently asked you if it's alright to answer it and you agreed.

The next few minutes was his friends and families calling and congratulating him. You don't wanna be bitter or be a mood disruptor but you just really want to think and be alone right now, after all, you deserved it. You signed Harry that you will go upstairs to take a rest and he whispered "I love you" but you only nodded and started walking to the stairs.

He didn't notice that you didn't say it back. He was too caught up with the people on his screen. His cheerful voice rang throughout the ground floor as he talks to the other person on the other line.

You don't wanna think about it as you lay down on your shared bed but you couldn't stop thinking about how much of a possibility for her to call him to congratulate him for the success of his second album. You couldn't stop thinking of how they might talk about their relationship. You couldn't stop thinking if Harry will ask her to come back if she did call. You couldn't stop thinking.

You took your phone from your beside table to open Twitter. Harry and his album is trending and praises after praises we're posted in different languages but most of those are about them. Harry and her.

You're numb.

It is now clear to you that the whole album is about her. You never asked or wished to have a song written about you but you also never expected him to dedicate the album solely to her, his ex from two years ago. You get it, you really do. The best songs came from the writers' personal experiences but to basically tell the world that he still wants her breaks you into pieces.

There gotta be at least one line about you. You, the one he is with now and not her. You, the one who's loving him now, not her. You, the one who didn't leave him unlike her. It's you and not her.

But no matter how much you repeat it in your mind, you know it's not you. You love Harry and you tried. Tried supporting him through the day much like all the other days but it's so hard when the universe already shot you with the truth.

You're still proud of him, it will never change but you need something. You have to have something to hold on to because right now you're only grasping to this very little hope that might save your relationship. You're proud but hurt and you hate yourself for not being there. None of it is about you. It's about her. Her and him. Her and Harry. Never you and Harry.

He never even warned you that the album is about her, it seems like he wanted to surprise you but you know he's not cruel but maybe you're just trying to defend him from yourself.

Or maybe he didn't thought you'd think this way. After all he doesn't put meanings behind his songs so you couldn't really get any answer from having him explain to you every song.

Your own interpretation's more than enough though. He still wants her. Maybe he did became yours even just for a second but his love for her is eternal and so he slipped away. You couldn't pretend anymore - not now when you're alone and you can show your emotions, so you sobbed.

You cried for you and Harry. You cried for what you thought was something so beautiful and unbreakable. You cried for what would've been a great night for the both of you and last but not the least, you cried for your uncertain tomorrow.

Tomorrow when you wake up, you don't know if Harry still wants you, you don't know if you can fix this, you don't know if you can still be with him.

Now, you realized it. Tomorrow there might be nothing, no world where only the two of you exists because tomorrow might be the end. The thought of that made you cried harder than you already are. It's so unfair. You love him so much but it doesn't seem enough and no matter how many excuses you naïvely say to yourself, you know it couldn't change the fact that it's her and him - it has always been her and him.

You're too tired and just wanted to sleep, hopefully get a clearer view out of all of this when you wake up.

_____

#harry styles #harry styles one shot #harry styles album #harry styles angst #solo harry #harry styles blurb #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fanfic #harry styles writing #harry styles x reader #harry styles x y/n #harry styles x you #harry styles imagines #harry styles drabble #harry styles prompt #harry styles preferences #harry styles concept #harry styles au #harries #harrie #heyheshiwritings

[omoi-no-hoka]

Moderately Interesting Japanese Ep. 8 Hokkaido Dialect

The typical winter scenery of Hokkaido.

One of my favorite aspects of language learning is studying dialects. I am fascinated by how language branches and adapts to new environments like some form of linguistic natural selection. Japanese is rife with interesting dialects, some of which are so different from the standard that they can sound like a totally different language to the untrained ear. I thought I’d make a series of posts highlighting different dialects in Japanese. Since this sort of post will take a bit more research on my end and I plan to find native speakers of the dialect to confirm with, they won’t be very regular, but I hope that you enjoy them!

What are some of the main Japanese dialects?

Firstly, let me tell you how to say “dialect” in Japanese, because I know I’m gonna use it and I don’t want to cause any confusion. 

方言 (hougen) Dialect

___弁 (__-ben) __ Dialect, so “Osaka Dialect” is “Osaka-ben.” 

I daresay that just about 100% of all Japanese learners are familiar with Tokyo-ben, because it is Standard Japanese. The next most popular dialect is Kansai-ben, which is spoken in the Kansai region (Osaka, Hiroshima, etc.). The Kansai Dialect can be broken down into several smaller, regional dialects. Next would probably be Okinawa-ben. 

(Caution! Some people, particularly Okinawans, consider Okinawan Japanese to be a language independent from Japanese, and they can be offended if you refer to it as a dialect. Japan’s official stance is that Okinawan is a dialect, though, so I am calling it a dialect in my posts.) 

Now without further ado, let’s actually start learning about one of these dialects!

Hokkaido-ben, namara ii!

Hokkaido is the island in green. It’s the biggest prefecture in Japan by far.

I am a foreigner and Japanese is not my native language, but I have been living on the island of Hokkaido for 5 years now and am very comfortable with the Hokkaido dialect, so I chose to introduce it to you first. Also, it’s not one that gets talked about a lot, so I figured maybe there weren’t many posts about it. 

Hokkaido is the northernmost island of Japan, and it wasn’t settled and officially incorporated as part of Japan until the late 1800′s. There is a group of indigenous people here called the Ainu who speak a language completely different from Japanese, but their language has not bled into Hokkaido-ben. (Many place names in Hokkaido are from Ainu, though).

Because Hokkaido was settled so late in history compared to the other islands of Japan, their dialect doesn’t differ drastically from Tokyo-ben. There are some minor intonation differences that, frankly, I don’t feel confident explaining. I have internalized the intonations through exposure, but I’ve never been taught it and don’t really know what is correct. So I’m not going to talk about tonal differences, and instead focus on the different words and a wee bit of grammar.

投げる　Nageru

Standard Japanese: 捨てる suteru

English: to dispose of (lit. “to throw/toss”)

To an English speaker, “throw away” feels just as natural as “dispose of.” But to people outside of Hokkaido, it sounds very unusual and the image it conjures is comedic, like someone is hurling trash into the garbage can like it’s the opening pitch at the World Series. 

Example: そこの古い新聞を投げていいよ。 Romaji: Soko no furui shinbun wo nagete ii yo.

Standard: そこの古い新聞を捨てていいよ。 Romaji: Soko no furui shinbun wo sutete ii yo.

English: You can throw away those old newspapers there. 

おっかない　Okkanai

Standard: 危ない abunai

English: dangerous, scary, a “close call”

My hostmom uses this with me, like, all the time. According to her, I’m always doing okkanai things, like walking alone at night or *gasp* going outside with wet hair. I love her so much haha. 

Example: うちの子が熊のぬいぐるみだと思って遊んでいたのは本当の子グマだった。おっかなかったわ！ Romaji: Uchi no ko ga kuma no nuigurumi da to omotte asonde ita noha hontou no koguma datta. Okkanakatta wa!

Standard: うちの子が熊のぬいぐるみだと思って遊んでいたのは本当の子グマだった。危なかったわ！ Romaji: Uchi no ko ga kuma no nuigurumi da to omotte asonde ita noha hontou no koguma datta. Abunakatta wa!

English: Our kid thought he was playing with a teddy bear, but it was actually a live bear cub. What a close call!

（手袋を）履く　(Tebukuro wo) haku

Standard:（手袋を）はめる (tebukuro wo) hameru

English: to put on (gloves)

Winter in Hokkaido is long and cold. Gloves are one of the most essential articles of clothing here, and I have heard/used “haku” so much that “hameru” sounds incorrect to me. The “haku” sounds funny to other Japanese people because it is used for putting on socks, underwear, and pants, and they will imagine you putting socks or panties on your hands instead of gloves. 

Example: 外は寒いから、手袋を履きなさい。 Romaji: Soto ha samui kara, tebukuro wo hakinasai.

Standard: 外は寒いから、手袋をはめなさい。 Romaji: Soto ha samui kara, tebukuro wo hamenasai. 

English: It’s cold out, so put on your gloves. 

めんこい　Menkoi

Standard Japanese: 可愛い kawaii

English: cute

I included this because it’s one of the famous aspects of Hokkaido-ben, but I actually don’t hear it used that much. I tend to see it on souvenir shirts for tourists more than in actual conversations.

Example: この子猫はめっちゃめんこい！ Romaji: Kono koneko ha meccha menkoi!

Standard: この子猫はめっちゃかわいい！ Romaji: Kono koneko ha meccha kawaii!

English: This kitten is super cute!

Note: Even though it is functioning as an adjective and ends with an “i,” it is not an “i” adjective. It is a “na” adjective. 

あずましくない　Azumashikunai

Standard: 居心地が悪い、嫌 igokochi ga warui, iya

English: uncomfortable (surroundings), unpleasant

This is a word that many Hokkaido people use but struggle to explain. Azumashikunai describes any place that you find unpleasant or uncomfortable, maybe due to it being too crowded, or too empty, or because it’s very cramped, for example. 

Example: 日曜日の札幌駅が人混みであずましくない。 Romaji. Nichiyoubi no Sapporo-eki ga hitogomi de azumashikunai.

Standard: 日曜日の札幌駅が人混みで嫌だ。 Romaji: Nichiyoubi no Sapporo-eki ga hitogomi de iya da.

English: Sapporo Station is always crowded on Sundays and I don’t like it.

いずい　Izui

Standard: none

English: different (in a bad way), off-kilter, something is “off”

Hokkaido people really struggle to explain izui because Standard Japanese doesn’t have an equivalent for it, but I think it can be likened to “off” in English. You got something in your eye but can’t find it and your eye feels funny? Your eye is izui. You have a hair in your shirt and can’t find it? That feels izui. Sometimes it can be a mysterious ache not painful enough to warrant a visit to the doctor, or sometimes it can just be a sense that something is “off.” 

Example: 目にゴミが入って、いずい。 Romaji: Me ni gomi ga haitte, izui. 

Standard:目にゴミが入って、痛い。 Romaji: Me ni gomi ga haitte, itai.

English: Something got in my eye and now it feels off. 

汽車　Kisha

Standard: 電車 densha 

English: (train, lit. “steam engine”)

The first time I came to Japan, I could just barely hold down an everyday conversation in Japanese. My hostparents (hostdad especially) both spoke very strong Hokkaido-ben, and during my first meal with them my hostdad asked if I had traveled from the airport to their city by “steam engine,” and I was just baffled. Wait, did he just say locomotive? What year is it? Are steam engines still a thing in Japan?! Then my kind hostmother explained that he meant regular, modern trains. 

Example: すみません、函館ゆきの汽車はいつ出発しますか？ Romaji: Sumimasen, Hakodate-yuki no kisha ha itsu shuppatsu shimasu ka?

Standard: すみません、函館ゆきの電車はいつ出発しますか？ Romaji: Sumimsaen, Hakodate-yuki no densha ha itsu shuppatsu shimasuka?

English: Excuse me, when does the train bound for Hakodate leave the station?

しゃっこい　Shakkoi

Standard: 冷たい Tsumetai

English: Cold

Being the northernmost prefecture and next door to Russia, it’s only natural that Hokkaido-ben have its own word for “cold.” 

Example: このかき氷ってめっちゃしゃっこい！ Romaji; Kono kakigoori tte meccha shakkoi!

Standard: このかき氷ってめっちゃ冷たい！ Romaji: Kono kakigoori tte meccha tsumetai!

English: This shaved ice is super cold!

とうきび　Toukibi

Standard: とうもろこし Toumorokoshi

English: corn

Hokkaido is famous for their sweet corn, and ���toukibi” is a word you will hear a lot here as a result. A popular summer snack is corn on the cob with soy sauce and butter, and it’s made just like in the gif above! Japanese people tend to eat it using a toothpick, picking off kernel by kernel. So when I just rocked up, grabbed an ear and started going to town on it, they thought I was a barbarian hahaha.

Example: やっぱり、とうきびに醤油だね！ Romaji: Yappari, toukibi ni shouyu da ne!

Standard: やっぱり、とうもろこしに醤油だね！ Romaji: Yappri, toumorokoshi ni shouyu da ne!

English: Soy sauce really does go good with corn!

なまら　Namara

Standard: とても totemo、結構 kekkou

English: very, super, rather

This word is like “menkoi,” in that it is famous throughout Japan for being Hokkaido-ben, but I rarely hear it in actual conversations. I hear people use it when they are surprised by something. “Namara oishii” has a nuance of “It’s (actually) very tasty.”

Example: 曇ってるけど、今日の天気はなまらいい。 Romaji: Kumotteru kedo, kyou no tenki ha namara ii.

Standard: 曇ってるけど、今日の天気はけっこういい。 Romaji: Kumotteru kedo, kyou no tenki ha kekkou ii.

English: It’s cloudy today, but it’s still pretty good weather.

なんぼ？　Nanbo?

Standard: いくら？ Ikura?

English: How much?

My friend asked me to go get a couple drinks from the convenience store. I came back with a bottle for her and for me and she asked, “Nanbo datta?” I thought that bo was maybe a counter for things, and desperately tried to figure out what we were supposed to be counting. Then she explained that, for whatever reason, “nanbo” means “how much (does something cost)?”

Example: そのお弁当はめっちゃ美味しそう！なんぼだった？ Romaji: Sono obentou ha meccha oishisou! Nanbo datta?

Standard: そのお弁当はめっちゃ美味しそう！いくらだった？ Romaji: Sono obentou ha meccha oishisou! Ikura datta?

English: That bento looks super good! How much was it?

ボケる　Bokeru (for produce)

Standard: 腐る kusaru

English: go bad (produce)

In standard Japanese, “bokeru” means “to go senile” or “to develop dementia/Alzheimer's.” While I wouldn’t say it’s a slur bad enough that it would be bleeped out, it certainly isn’t a kind way to refer to aging. 

So when my host mom told me, “I would give you some apples, but they’re all senile” I had no clue what she was going on about. But then she showed them to me, and they were all wrinkled like this:

Not exactly the most appetizing, but also not entirely rotten. I’m really not sure why Hokkaido-ben likens produce to senility, but if I had to guess, I’d say it’s because pretty much every single person with Alzheimer’s/dementia is wrinkled.

Example: このリンゴはボケてるから、パイでも作ろうか… Romaji: Kono ringo ha boketeru kara, pai demo tsukurou ka...

Standard: このリンゴは腐りかけてるから、パイでも作ろうか… Romaji: Kono ringo ha kusarikaketeru kara, pai demo tsukurou ka...

English: These apples are about to go bad, so I guess I’ll make a pie...

～べ　~be

Standard ～だろう、～でしょう darou, deshou

English: ..., right?

This is probably the most famous aspect of Hokkaido-ben. Japanese people get a real kick out of it when this white girl uses it haha. “~be” is a sentence-ending particle that functions about the same as “darou” or “deshou” in that it:

asserts the speaker’s confidence in the likelihood of something

asks for the listener’s confirmation

This sentence-final particle has its roots in the particle ～べし (~beshi) found in Classical Japanese, which had a similar purpose. Other forms of ~beshi survive in Modern Standard Japanese with the words べき (beki) and すべく (subeku). 

Here are two examples, one for each function ~be fulfills. 

Example 1: 君の飛行機はあと5分に出発するって？間に合わないべ！ Romaji: Kimi no hikouki ha ato 5 fun ni shuppatsu suru tte? Maniawanai be!

Standard: 君の飛行機はあと5分に出発するって？間に合わないでしょう！  Romaji: Kimi no hikouki ha ato 5 fun ni shuppatsu suru tte? Maniawanai deshou!

English: You said your plane takes off in 5 minutes? There’s no way you’ll make it! 

Example 2: このサラダに白菜も入ってたべ？ Romaji: Kono sarada ni hakusai mo haitteta be?

Standard: このサラダに白菜も入ってたでしょう？ Romaji: Kono sarada ni hakusai mo haitteta deshou?

Standard: There was napa cabbage in this salad too, wasn’t there?

～れ　~re

Standard: ～なさい ~nasai

English: imperative command

I really don’t like giving grammar explanations because it’s been a long time since I’ve formally studied Japanese grammar and I’m scared of explaining something poorly or incorrectly. But an upper-elementary level Japanese learner should know that there are many different levels of imperatives in Japanese that vary in politeness. In order of rude to polite, we have:

Imperatives that end in an “e” sound or ろ, as in:

死ね！Shine! Die!

待て！Mate! Wait!

食べろ！Tabero! Eat!

Imperatives that end in tte, te, or de and are not followed by kudasai

死んで Shinde. Die.

待って Matte. Wait.

食べて Tabete. Tabete.

Imperatives that end in nasai. (These are most often used by parents/teachers to their children.)

死になさい Shininasai. Die.

待ちなさい Machinasai. Wait.

食べなさい Tabenasai. Eat.

Imperatives that end in tte, te, or de and have kudasai after them. 

And then there’s super formal Japanese, but that’s a whole other kettle of fish.

Anyways. Back to the Hokkaido-ben. I went to a picnic here with a Japanese friend’s family, and her aunt gave me a plate of food and said, “Tabere!” I knew that this had to be an imperative, but I had never studied it before. It felt like it was the same as the rudest imperative, and I spent the whole rest of the picnic wondering what on earth I had done to have her family speak to me like that. Conventionally, they should have been using the -tte form or -nasai form with me.

After the party, I asked her, “Dude, what’s the ~re stuff for? Do they not like me?” I was close to tears I was so hurt and confused.

And that when she laughed and explained that the ~re is a facet of Hokkaido-ben, and it is the same in politeness and nuance as the ~nasai imperative used by parents and teachers to their children.

So I had spent several hours thinking that her family hated me, when really they were treating me like I was their own child! 

Example: ちゃんと野菜を食べれ！ Romaji: Chanto yasai wo tabere!

Standard: ちゃんと野菜を食べなさい！ Romaji: Chanto yasai wo tabenasai! 

English: Eat all of your vegetables properly.

The End!

This was a monster of a post. There are actually a few more words I wanted to introduce, but I had to cut it off at some point haha. I hope that you enjoyed this segment of Moderately Interesting Japanese. I plan to make more on the other dialects within Japanese, but they will take a considerable amount of time so they won’t be very often. 

Thanks for reading!

#japanese language #japanese #japanese dialects #hokkaido #japanese linguistics #study japanese #learn japanese #japanese vocab #japanese vocabulary #nihongo #anime #manga #dragon ball #inuyasha #urusei yatsura #sailor moon #pokemon #pikachu #cowboy bebop #mononoke #moderately interesting Japanese #hokkaido-ben

[isoisolated]

I have ADHD and it's not fun

29/12 edit: coming back to this post, I just wanted to add that at the time of writing, my adhd was unmedicated. Thought this might be good thing to note. 

My friend Ondrej kept sending me articles and texts posts written by other adhd people (mostly adult males) that it finally pushed me to write my own, because even though I could relate to some minor and major parts, something always felt a bit of and also because ADHD is a condition that's been heavily ignored by medical professionals not only in adults, but especially in adult women, which is a group I sort of represent myself. 

I could talk about this for ages, my therapist frequently tells me that I have this gift of intense self-analysis and immense passion to get it all sorted out once for all. I guess it's another way of saying I'm so hyperaware of my own existence and my brain simply latches onto it and constantly tries to solve its own problems. 

If you do not care about my own personal history, just skip to second headline.

I was clueless for the first 20 years of my existence

Now, ADHD isn't the only thing that's been making me feel almost alien, I dare to say that my puberty years were mostly about developing and internalising bit of trauma and processes that do no good in later life. 

I love music. And I mean I truly endlessly unconditionally love music. Being a daughter of music composer, I was 6 when I first asked my dad to show me where to press record in Logic Pro and told him to leave me alone while I recorded my first song. It was called Autumn is here and it sounded like something made by 6 years old. 

I remember we were attending castings for TV shows or commercials and later I was told that it was me who initiated such trips and that I always wanted to be a part of such things. I don't remember initiating such things but I remember for sure that I was very shy and uncomfortable when I was supposed to show off. 

I remember I was supposed to take piano lessons. And I was so baffled that I had to follow the book and play what's in the book, instead of playing thing I wanted. I think I told my parents after few lessons that I do not like it and was dropped outta it. This became a pattern, if I recall correctly. 

But that's nothing out of ordinary, kids are harder to get focused and entertained. I remember two moments from elementary school where I was told by my classmates that I'm acting like I have ADHD and it got me real mad every time, because in my head ADHD looked like not paying attention in class, being body hyper and overall just annoying. 

I could find a proof that I made myself first to-do list when I was 14. Since 14 I felt like I need more self control and self regulation, that I need to fit myself more into ambitions I had and have and in order to do that, I started making to-do lists with ambiguous tasks such as “work more on music” and “work-out”. It was also in during my great isolation era, I had no real life friends but one that I was seeing occasionally, I wasn't going out, I came from school on Friday afternoon and left my room on Monday morning. I was making friends online since I was 11 and lived mostly online. 

At that time I also started figuring out what was wrong with me. Since ever I always felt a bit “off” compared to my peers, I always felt weird (and was told that thousand of times in my life), I always felt like I was thinking about things a bit differently and my humour was different and my hobbies were seen obscure by my classmates (even though they weren't obscure at all). I felt alone for most of my growing up and feelings of complete loneliness and detachment haunt me to this day, making me spiral. 

I thought I might suffer from bipolar disorder, because I had high energy episodes and my emotions were so intense. I was crying almost everyday for both external and internal reasons, my head sometimes felt like too much and I found temporary peace in self-help books and esotericism. 

I was around 17-18 when I realised all of this is bullshit and that no book can make me do things that I wanna do. I'd spent hours, days and months thinking about doing things, being crippled by this weird force that hold my body down, unable to do anything, no matter how much I wanted it. I'd beat myself up for it, thinking I was just so damn lazy and stupid and pretentious. I wanna be a popstar, a successful musician, I have to do all these things and if not, I'm gonna fail so much and my life will lose its meaning. 

When I was 17, I released my first EP and for some reason, it found some attention and success, if we might call it that. Suddenly I felt on the right path, I was seen as a musician and also very young one. Even though I still was sad almost every day or had intense sadness episodes that could last for a week, it felt right and I couldn't wait to finish high school and become a full time musician. 

I'd produce music in unplanned episodes of total focus, where I would sit and do things for hours straight, without eating. My most favorite songs were made during 6-8 hour sessions and it felt amazing. I couldn't bring myself to produce music if I hadn't the right vibe or idea for it. 

It was around that time this woman texted me, saying she wants to be my manager and that she really likes my music. It felt so unreal but here I am, with my own professional manager, on my way to be the most amazing music person.

I'd crush on people (and mostly boys and men) constantly, it was also very episodic, could last for days to month where I'd had nothing on my mind but them, drowned in daydreaming and just imagining things and also letting them know all of that. It was magical but it was fleeting. It still is. But it is the greatest inspiration, where I feel so much emotions it makes me see things and then I can transform them into music. 

But there was still something wrong with me, I was very emotional, still struggling with making my routines work, I'd come up with new plans and schedules every week just to fail them the day after. It was exhausting and I saw nothing alike in my world too, I was alone and my experience was just not enough will power. 

I could get mad so easily, I'd clench my fists and was so close to punching someone and when I hated someone I hated them with immense passion and spent hours just imagining myself confronting them. I was so mad all the time on background too and even slightest thing would put me in classic rage mode.

I have problems remembering dates and names, I'm bad at remembering people's faces, I'm bad at learning things by myself even though I have interest in them. I'm bad at making routine for myself and actually following it.

I finished high school and planned to go study abroad but it turned out it isn't what I want so I came back and started looking for a job. Around that time I met my now best friend and thanks to him I actually started thinking even harder what might be wrong with me, so I looked up ADHD. And didn't believe that at all. I wasn't like this, was I? 

Then, the summer came and I met my friend (and also a fan) while being out for a beer. We chatted, had a great time and then told me I kinda am like a person with ADD. I was confused because I didn't recall what that does mean, later I remembered it's another (and outdated) term for ADHD, but it's the “quiet type”, where the hype happens mostly inside and doesn't manifest outside that much. So I started researching once again, because I trusted him and it was that one push I needed.

It's been year since that moment and it took me months to accept that I might suffer from ADHD and to this day I still have feelings of impostor syndrome, making it all harder for myself just like that, to be more interesting for myself. I still yet have to accept this. 

I was transitioning into adulthood and yet had actual emotional breakdowns, I was crying and my heart was aching and I couldn't bring myself to do things I want, to learn more about music production, to learn how to sing better, to learn my favorite k-pop choreos, to work-out, to embody my own vision of who I want to be. With music, I am my own boss and it's the worst.

Covid-19 hit our country and here came the first lockdown. It pushed me over the edge and I felt like I was losing all of my friends, I felt those feelings of loneliness and weirdness again, I felt like nobody knows what's wrong because I don't have it as bad as others, I was hurting so much my body was shaking and twisting. I decided to try medication, even though I told my psychiatrist I don't want to, I just felt like I cannot be like this anymore, it's too much pain and no matter how much I try, I can't make it better, I can't make it work. 

I started taking Strattera and after month or two, I saw it working. A bit, I could focus better and bring myself to do things more and more frequently, and if I had these weird emotional meltdowns, they weren't as intense as before. This serves me as ultimate proof that I am not making this up, because if I were, the medication wouldn't work and make me feel better, right? 

So, what am I doing now? 

I'm still a huge mess and I cannot see myself in a better light. Even though I have job that I perform at at stable rate, even though I have just a little problem cooking for myself, even though I have no troubles falling asleep, even though I can enjoy things greatly when those high energy waves hit me. 

I'm tired of myself, I'm tired of myself not being able to do anything again. I ignore my manager because I already know I have nothing else to say than “I cannot bring myself to do things and you know that, I'm sorry for being a constant failure.” When people compliment me, I thank them but deep inside I don't accept it. 

I have unreleased and WIP songs I can see never being released, ever. When I listen to music from my favorite artists, I can also feel the pain from the fact that I'm not like them and that I probably won't ever be, because my brain sabotages me every damn time. 

From the very moment I wake up to the very moment I fall asleep, there's music playing in my head. I don't choose what's playing, sometimes it's song I don't even like and yet it's stuck on loop. I talk with my therapist in my head, I'm having weird flashbacks in my head to my memories, I'm having “you should do X right now” and “why aren't you doing Y” stuck on loop too. This all is happening at once, every moment I'm awake, even when I'm talking with people. It's exhausting. 

I'm bored most of the time, I have interesting books in my bookshelf and still cannot read them because I have to reread paragraphs in order to actually understand them. And even then, I find my mind wandering again. I have problems with long texts and long tutorials.

I get frustrated easily, my head is overflowing with ideas I can't act on. I'm living in weird worlds I made up for myself, and then reality hits me. 

I had my first depressive episode few months ago. I felt like nothing matters, that I don't matter, I felt nothing and emptiness, I crawled up in bed and was mindlessly watching youtube videos. I didn't want to eat or drink, I wanted to not exist at all. That episode passed but it was my first encounter with actual depressive state and I know I can slip into it more easily now, it simply developed along the way, after 21 years without acknowledging that I have problems and I struggle. 

People don't understand the struggle, when talking to them about my problems, it's like talking to an automated assistant, coming up with phrases like “Did you try yoga?” “everyone struggles sometime” “you cannot accomplish everything”. They say they wanna listen and help until they don't. 

I have a mental graveyard for ideas I won't ever finish, no matter how good they are, because my brain won't let me. Proper medication would help, therapy also helps but I can't talk myself out of actual executive dysfunction. 

ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder, our brains are literally underdeveloped in some areas and wired differently. Our emotions lack regulation normal people have and our motivation is fragile. This can't be changed with yoga, this cannot be solved by trying more. Not to even mention, capitalist society is especially damaging to neurodivergent people (and not only them, of course). 

While on this journey, I am still meeting more and more people having same struggles like me, finding people who understand you is the best thing to battle impostor syndrome. Sometimes I can't help them and sometimes they can't help me, but it's okay, because we know we understand each other and if I wanna complain and vent, we can do so without having to explain this condition over and over. 

And I hope that someone finds this relatable too, because as a woman I know my group isn't represented enough. We are not children, nor adult males, we need more attention and more support, from both healthcare system and each other. 

While doing this, I hope to get myself proper medication and continue doing what I love the most - music. I don't love anything else more than that. I hope to get rid of “all or nothing” mindset, I hope to be more consistent, I hope my music will reach its listeners and fans. I still have enough time, I think, even though my sense of time is neurologically altered. 

#adhd #actually adhd

[simplystefanie-rae]

Wooooah making text posts on mobile is different and weird. Anyway.

Yeah as long as adrien is only ever gonna consider marinette as someone special after he finds out she’s ladybug I’m never gonna be satisfied because it’s not earned. It’s precisely because marinette and ladybug act the same that I’m scratching my head over every instance adrien instantly falls in love with her. In oblivio I still don’t understand how he considers her so special after seeing her act exactly as she does in gorizilla but after that episode the only progress we have on that front is that she, as usual, is a good friend.

This episode in isolation is fine, just as oblivio is as big what if scenarios. But before people jump down my throat about prescribing to some true selves bullshit for some reason i need to stress how after a season of adrien not even considering marinette as a romantic option, of there even being a lack of that special something that hints at something more, this whole thing just feels unearned to me and like he will only ever think of marinette romantically after finding out she’s ladybug. ‘But they’re the same person!’ Yeah and that makes it worse lol what is stopping adrien from seeing all those qualities in marinette and giving us that moment where he really thinks of her as someone special? He calls her everyday ladybug, we have an episode where we see him say their friendship is important to him, but because we don’t have much if any moments of Adrien really considering marinette as any more special than his other friends (he gets super angry on marinettes behalf in ladybug but without getting into the lack of responsibility on his end, they don’t even really interact that episode???) this whole episode scenario feels obligatory. Or like they’re jumping to the end without a satisfying middle.

The satisfying middle, btw, should be each individual side of the love square given equal progress. Idk when it suddenly became taboo to want specifics sides of the love square to have its own moments in isolation without a reveal but that’s what I want. That’s what this entire show should be because that was the whole shows entire gimmick in the first place, so here I am wondering why in the world there is only ever progress on adriens side regarding marinette in either alternate scenarios that don’t matter or when he finds out she’s the person he already loved, yet those same qualities in ladybug hes noted marinette having multiple times don’t stir a thing in him. I’m baffled guys.

Anyway yeah I would like some actual adrienette content in isolation without the messiness of an identity reveal clouding the purity of that relationship by itself and there shouldn’t be any problem with me expecting something that should have been a damn given from the get go.

#idk why me wanting this means i think of mari and lb as different people #god forbid i want to show to capitilize on the gimmick they created

[atypicalkataangist]

Swan Song

Type: Oneshot [Fluff/Angst?]

Summary: Aang comes home late on his birthday

Word count: 2721

Author’s note: Hey guys! I hope you’re doing well (if any of you are still active). I’m actually not sure what I’m doing here... I’ve left this fandom months ago. I still love Kataang and most of the fans and creators celebrating them, but as it always happens with me and ships, after a while i get bored with them, and this is what happened to me after an intense year of shipping. Maybe I’ll return some day (perhaps the live action remake will be able to reignate my love for this ship if it’s been portrayed properly? Time will tell). Until then I’ll remain inactive when it comes to posting, although I’ll still be using tumblr. I don’t just want to make a blank note where I say that you’ll probably never hear of me again, so I decided to end it on a high note, posting one story that I had written almost half a year ago and completely forgot about it. And I must say that I was pretty baffled when I read it earlier this day, because I’m actually pretty happy with most of it. There was supposed to be a smutty ending, but I never got to finish it. Although I think it works that way as well. I hope you’ll find some joy in it! It’s just as cheesy as most of my previous work xD

Special thanks go out to those people who really supported and helped me during my time of activity. People like @kristallioness​ who included me in some of her favourite writer’s lists (for which I still feel incredibly honoured!) and of course the only person I would consider a real friend on this platform, @azulamakesmeblank​. It’s been nothing but a pleasure getting to know you over the last few months, and I hope we’ll stay in touch! But I got no real doubts there :)

Anyway, i promised a story, right? Here you go. Maybe I’ll be back one day, who knows? Until then, keep shipping and enjoy Kataang as much as you can! Signing off (for now) - atypicalkataangist/ Phil

It was almost midnight when he finally set foot on air temple island again. On the one hand he felt incredibly relieved that he made it back on time, on the other hand he regretted that he didn't make it back sooner. He knew she was waiting for him... at least He hoped though.

Today was his birthday, and she always loved to prepare sweet surprises for him. He was always telling her not to make such a big fuzz about a day like any other, but a part of him really loved her sweet, thoughtful gestures and surprises on his birthday, hoping they would never end.

He had been out working since sunrise, attending important meetings, planning festivities, talking and giving his advice to important people. Usually he liked his job, helping and advising people, taking responsibility for the safety and freedom of the many souls in republic city and beyond. But today was different.

Today he had just wanted to spend time with his wife, even more so since he had been very busy for the last weeks, spending almost no time with her at home anymore, and it made him feel very bad. She didn't deserve that. He loved her more than anything else in the entire world, he would give his own life for hers in a heartbeat. One or two years ago, when they got married, he never got tired of telling her how he felt about her, but now... He remained silent, and due to his work, he didn't even have much time to spend with her, and when he was at home, he was meditating most of the time.

He really missed her... When was the last time the two of them went on a vacation together? When was the last time they went out on a date like they used to do? Heck, when was the last time they had the nightlong, earth-shattering, sweat secreting, simply incredible kind of sex like they used to have? They were still having sex sometimes, but due to him being tired all the time and her not really being in the mood anymore, it was not at all what it used to be. They had been married for only two years now, not twenty! He wasn't ready to give up on his marriage yet like many married couples did after a few years. He would never give up on her for that matter.

He landed Appa in front of his cave at the northern coast of the island. The shed they had erected for him after building their home on the island had never been his prefered resting spot; He quickly found the spacious cave beneath the Avatar's home more comfortable and whenever said Avatar would go look for his bison the next morning after parking him into the shed, he would find him snooze peacefully in the cave, so by now he just let him sleep in the cave directly. With a pat on the bison's huge nose he wished him a good night, earning a tired grunt from the huge beast.

The Avatar slowly made his way up the stairs he once bent into the cliff himself, wandering around the island in the cool night air. His thoughts were by his wife, they always were. Hopefully she was still awake... Though no light in their home seemed to be lit.

With a soft creaking sound of the door, he entered their home, greeted by absolute silence and a faint glow whose source seemed to come from around the Corner of their living area on the opposite side of the hallway.

He slowly made his way to their living area, hoping to find his wife sitting, or maybe, if he truly came too late, sleeping on the couch, waiting for him. His hopes were disappointed though, she was not sitting there. Next to the lit candle on their short table however laid a piece of paper, with his name written on top in the beautiful, distinctive hand writing of his wife.

The sight of this made him nervous. He wouldn't be the first man left by his wife with only a short letter left behind. But she wouldn't do that, would she?

He picked up the letter, his nervousness causing him to jitter slightly. He unfolded the piece of paper and began to read.

"Hey, Sweetie. I hope you are reading this while this is still your birthday. In that case: Happy Birthday, my love. Although I would prefer to tell you in person... but I'm afraid you have to find me first. I've hidden a few letters around our home. The last one will lead you to me, hopefully still on time for your birthday. I promise I'll stay awake for you in my hiding place - I don't want the same thing as last year to happen. The first hint for the next letter and where to find me, is that I might be with a friend of yours. I'm sure you can figure it out.

All my love, Katara."

After scanning the lines two or three times with his eyes he folded the piece of paper again and put it back on the table, relieved that she has not run off and was indeed waiting for him. But why did she have to make a game out of it? He didn't have much of a choice, so he had to play her game.

He didn't need to think too much about where to find the second letter. They were completely alone on their Island, all his friends either living in republic city, or somewhere in the other nations. She had written that she hid the letters around their home, so it had to be one friend who lived with them on the island. And his only friend who shared his home with them apart from Appa was...

"Momo!", He called gladly upon entering the lemur's living area in the attic of the air temple's tower. "Buddy, I've missed you!" The lemur, who had been rolled up on a pillow before his friend entered, screached upon seeing him again, jumping at him and climbing up his head, his tail coiled around the Avatar's throat, tickling him with his fur. He petted the animal, who seemed to enjoy his master's attention, with a few loving strokes, before noticing a piece of paper rolled up next to the pillow on which Momo had been sleeping.

With his lemur still sitting on the top of his head, he rolled out the Letter after lighting a nearby candle with his firebending, allowing him to read what she had written. His heart began to beat harder as he began to read.

"Hi Aang, Congratulations for finding the second letter! It wasn't too hard, was it? I hope you used the opportunity to say hello to Momo again. It's weird, I haven't seen you play with him for months now... but I hope you were as happy to spend some time with him again as he was with you. He loves you. And you love him. If he could talk, he might ask why you don't have time for him anymore. And when you would say that you are really busy, giving your best to provide for your family and making the world a better place everyday, he would smile and he would tell you that it is okay. That you should keep doing what you're doing because it's what makes you happy.

It would hurt him, because he loves you. And your passion for helping people in need would only make him love you even more. But the more you would be away, helping people, the more he would love you and the more he would miss you.

Search for the third letter at the only place that is all yours.

I miss you, Aang.

Katara"

His stomach began to twist as he read the second half of the letter, his hand was shaking and his heart was pounding in his chest. Of course he realized what she tried to say. He felt anger. Anger and disappointment in himself. She wrote down how she felt. She wrote down explicitly that she felt neglected. And she had every reason to feel that way! Why did he do that to her? Did he get so much used to her looking out for him that he took her for granted? Is that what he had become already? A neglectful husband who leaves his wife alone everyday?

"I need to fix this..." He thought after carefully calming himself down again, blinking away a tear in his eye, "I need to tell her that she means everything to me."

He needed to find her first, though. The next letter was supposed to be at the only place on the island that was all his. That one was a bit harder... He couldn't think of one specific place. They shared the whole island, with no real 'private areas' for each one of them. The only place he could think of, was his meditation pavillon on the edge of the small cliff at the east side of the island. Although it was not per se only his place, he always went there just by himself to have some time alone, meditating.

He ran down to the entrance, across the yard in front of the house, passed the empty shed, and went along the small gravel path to the pavillon on the east side of the island. Coming closer, he already saw another piece of paper attached to one of the wooden columns of the pavillon drifting in the wind.

He took one deep breath before lighting another fire in his hand, beginning to read. Could it become even worse than before?

"My love,

sorry, I tricked a bit on that one. I know that we share this Island and that of course this isn't your exclusive place. The only one would probably be the spirit world, but... you see why it would be hard for me to leave a message there, right? So this was probably the next best thing.

It's weird. It's weird, that I feel jealous for a few wooden beams on a stone floor at the edge of the cliff. When I wake up and you're not lying next to me, the first thing I'm checking by having a look out of the window, is if you're meditating, and most of the time, you are.

Aang, I'm worried for you. It's not just that I wish that we could spend more time together, like we used to... You changed so much in such a short time. I don't mean that as a reproach, sweetie... I'm just wondering if you are okay. I'm worried when you remain silent, and I'm worried to see you seclude yourself more and more.

If you have something on your mind, Aang, please, for the love of spirits, talk to me, sweetie. Please. I am your wife. I have to know if something's not right... i promised not too long ago to forever be at your side, whatever may happen. So please, Aang. If you still love me, let me in. I beg you.

Come find the last letter at our bedroom. There is one final thing I have to tell you, and it'll either be our saving grace or the ending of our story. I'm really not sure anymore.

I only know that whatever will happen, I will always love you.

Katara"

His legs were shaking and he could barely hold up all the pain and anger that bubbled up in his chest. He had   to stop reading and start over again and again, to finally reach the end of the letter. He needed to see her. He needed to apologize. He needed to take her in his arms. He needed her to support him.

He made his way back to the house, up the stairs, to their bedroom. there was a single piece of paper lying on their empty bed, with only two ligns written on it. He held his breath, lit one small fire in his hand. He needed to find her now.

"Look out of the window. We are waiting for you."

Before his brain had realized what happened, he had already checked the window and ran down the stairs. Did he think of start breathing again? He had no idea. His heart was racing, his stomach twisted even more, and his legs felt numb, though he couldn't stop running as fast as he could.

It felt like hours until he had finally reached her in the shed. He had seen a dim light glowing in the window of the shed all of the sudden as he looked out the window, so she had to be here.

When he entered, He was greeted by the glow of dozens of lit candles placed amongst mountains of hay that didn't seem to have an end in the back of the shed.

She sat on the exact opposite side on a roll of hay, her hands resting on her lap. She wore a light blue, quite simple, but beautiful nightgown, her long brown hair was open and combed behind her ear. She looked up into his eyes when she heard him enter. She smiled lovingly and got up, while he ran into her direction with a destined expression on his face.

"Aang.", she whispered, just as he reached her, raising her hand and resting it on his warm, sweaty cheek. "You're here."

He was shaking as he tried to lay his hands on his wife's neck to hold her.

"Katara...", he groaned, all the emotion inside of him, everything she had revealed him about herself about to break out any second now.  "You... you... are pregnant?", he half asked, half stated while tearing up, causing her eyes to become wet as well.

She nodded carefully at first, then more decisively, still unsure what think of his overwhelmed expression. "Y...yes, sweetie. I'm pregnant." Tears began to roll down her cheek. "We...we're going to be parents, Aang..."

He breathed out for what felt like the first time in ten minutes, causing all of his emotions to flush out as well.

And then he grinned, grinned and laughed while tears of joy as well as tears of guilt for his absence in the past shot out his eyes. None of them could say another word before he took her in his arms and kissed her. He put all of himself into the kiss, all his pain, his guilt, as well as his boundless love for his wife and his unborn child. His legs gave in and he fell on his knees, taking her with him. They didn't stop the kiss. None of them could have if he or she had wanted to. They didn't kiss like man and wife in that Moment. The didn't even kiss like two lovers. They kissed like two souls who needed each other to survive. They both wanted to say so many things, but everything and so much more was said in that exact moment. They both felt that they needed each other.

After what felt like hours, their lips loosened, but their grip around each others back did not. They kept crying as they held their opposite firmly in their arms.

"I'm sorry", he sniveled, his face buried in her hair, "So, so sorry for keeping you out, Katara."

"I know.", she whispered into his ear, pressing herself against him. "It's okay, Aang. Now it's okay."

"I love you, Katara. I love you more than anything else. Now, more than ever, you are the most important thing of my life. I'm so scared, Katara...  just so scared... and you are the only thing that can help me. I need you..."

She had seen him emotional many times up until now, but this was something new. It felt like he opened up his body, let go of all restraint and showed her his deepest, most intimate self, the very essence of his soul.

She kept him in his embrace, letting him feel that she was there for him, whispering calming, loving things into his ear. "I'm there for you.", she kept saying.

„I’m here for you.“

#fluff #angst #love #atla #avatar #kataang #aang x katara #katara x aang #last post (probably) #it's been a pleasure