#it probably is someone else who has some reason to want scam dead but this is just funnier to me

[creepy-onthebutt]

Everyone trying to guess who stewie is and why he wants scam dead are ignoring the true comedic potential of it just being actual stewie griffin from family guy that wants scam dead

#dungeons and daddies #dndads #scam likely #also the fact that scam looks like lois #who stewie wants to kill #makes me think that might actually be where anthony is going with it #not to out myself as someone who has watched family guy #but wanting to kill his mom is a pretty consistent bit #that's just sorta how he is #also hate the idea that stewie griffin is scam likelys son #it probably is someone else who has some reason to want scam dead but this is just funnier to me

[doubledyke]

How do you believe Eddy actually is without his Bro mask? I mean, I don't believe he would be radically different or anything- he probably still has his hotheadness, stubborness and egocentrism- but he would also be a bit more chill, more openly caring and more helpful and friendly towards his buddies and another people?

Still quite flawed and bratty, but also much more of a nice guy at the same time, summing up.

brother you just opened a whole ass can of worms on this here page

eddy angst and eventual fawning below

even after bps i imagine eddy's guard is gonna be allllllll the way up for a long time. nonetheless, he's ecstatic to be welcomed into the in-crowd. finally, an excuse to wear all those clothes he keeps in that closet o' dreams. his shoulders loosen up a bit over time, he's cool, he's getting invites to all the shindigs. he's chasing this conditional acceptance so much that he might even drift away from the eds for a while- ed and edd not exactly being the partying types.

but he's still waiting for the other shoe to drop. right on his neck. waiting for the moment he says or does the wrong thing. or the moment his searing rage burns through this newfound passivity. he's just doing what everyone else does, what everyone wants him to do. asking someone how they're doing even if you don't really care, laughing when someone tells what could be construed as a joke. and standing up real straight, since double dee's always talking about "posturing" for some reason.

keeping up that front is exhausting though.. some nights he'd rather stay home, but if he did that he might never get invited anywhere ever again. and another of kevin's easyriders anecdotes, jonny's weed-fueled conspiracy theories, rolf's political proselytizing, and nazz's aggressive dancing sure as shit beats spending time with his own thoughts.

yup. this is the life.

the ticking time bomb explodes when someone accidentally bumps into him at one of these parties, and the uncomfortable laughter this elicits from his peers plunges him further into a sea of red, his ire hopping from one head to the next as he drunkenly gives them all what for. he lays into his peers in a way he's only ever seen edd do, then storms off into the inconveniently well-lit night, never to be seen or heard from again... until the next day at school, where to his horror, everyone is still being cool towards him? they're asking him if he's okay?? he should be fine, once he's picked his jaw up off the floor.

but they were supposed to hate him, give him a shiner to go along with the bruises he left on their collective ego. somethin' don't smell right, and it's not just the mix of mike's hard and last night's supper embedded between his shoelaces.

the only solution is to isolate, of course. out of sight out of mind. he starts showing up for school less and less, and when he's there it's not like he's paying attention. what's the point? as far as he can tell, his options were laid out before he was off his mom's tit: join dad at the dealership, or end up in a seaside trailer, running two-bit scams to supplement the part-time income he'd get as a ride operator. you don't need no stinkin' degree to push a button.

graduation comes and he doesn't go cuz you wouldn't catch him dead in one of those stupid ass hats and matching tablecloths. plus "getting older" is depressing. really depressing. as such, he becomes depressed. i wrote in painfully dumb detail what i think that might look like in the fic i was working on, so i'll spare you a rehashing of that.

anyway, his depressive episode subsides a bit and for the first time in his life he's looking inward. what does he want to do? who does he want to be? better yet WHO IS HE??? that's the thing with eddy, he has no idea who he is, and is terrified to find out. it was easy enough to mirror his brother when he mistook fear for respect. but no one is scared of him, and no one respects him, especially now that they see what a loser his brother is. so what does he have to lose by being himself? whatever that means.

at the forefront is that big lavender question mark that's been looming over his head since he was in diapers; the only "mental illness" his dad acknowledges as real.

he has another mini crisis when he is forced to accept that he's gay. followed by a torrent of relieved tears. relief mixed with horror, as it all makes an embarrassing amount of sense now. admitting that everyone was right SUCKS, but he'll look past that for the time being, and enjoy the fleeting lightness in his chest. it feels eerily similar to the day everyone found out the truth about his brother- minus the agony of cracked ribs.

his brother... oh shit, his FATHER. wipe those tears away mary. you better not be caught puffy eyed and red faced in this house son, 'less you been brawlin'.

anyway if i continue i'd be spoiling that fic i mentioned cuz i do plan on continuing it in some form or fashion eventually. the point of that fic is to pretty much go over what i think happens to eddy to get him to the point that he FIRST realizes and accepts he needs to heal at all, and then can begin the long, non-linear process of restoring what was taken from him by the hands of people who were supposed to love and protect him. that's the only way he'll be able to learn who he is and gradually let that take place of the caricature that was forced upon him.

accepting that he's gay is gonna seem like a breeze once he starts digging in to the real ugly shit. but it absolutely has an affect on his personality both as a kid before he realizes it and going forward as an out and proud adult. if you think he's flamboyant in the show...

but yes, his true personality is still, as you said, cantankerous, boisterous, egomaniacal, etc. perhaps becomes a bit more sophisticated with age lmao. take the way he acts in season one and a dash of season three in there for the best example of what i imagine he might be like on an average day in his adult life.

he'll always deal with anger management issues and depression, he's gonna have days, weeks, months where he's season 5 levels of unhinged. but like we all do, he learns to cope in ways besides bashing his skull into the nearest wall and/or tree. but don't get me started on that.

just as a side note, and not because you implied this or anything, but people who struggle with anger aren't bad people, and anger isn't inherently bad. he has every right to feel the rage he feels imo. i feel like removing those less "desirable" traits from him entirely really detracts from his fantastically complex character.

as far as how he treats the people closest to him go read @gettingfrilly's analysis of eddy and empathy for a much more informed, concise and well worded take than i can provide. my opinion is that it's a struggle for eddy to show kindness and consideration but he will get there in time with the right support. his fear of intimacy and vulnerability is something i hope to touch on in the fic too, so i'll save my ramblings on that topic for a later time.

overall, most of eddy's personality i wouldn't want to change, but it will mature and take on different forms as he gets older. his brashness, his humor (dude is so goddamn funny), his low tolerance for what he considers bullshit, his stupid charm, his ridiculous vanity. they all make him who he is and i wouldn't change them for the world!!

he's not going to get along with everyone and there will be people who simply don't like him, but once his barbs have been sanded down a bit, i think eddy would be really well liked by the people around him whose personalities and interests jell with his. his snark and gallows humor would be easily integrated into the many kitchens and bars he works in, and he'd have no trouble making friends. he's charismatic as all hell, and surprisingly cultured. i feel like people don't give him enough credit for how smart he is, but i see it. his confidence and resilience ensure that he WILL be successful in the things he sets out to do, it's just a matter of time and a little luck.

#look man i think everyone knows by now that i'm incapable of sticking strictly to the question at hand #but i had a lot of fun writing that mini fic at the start there lol and i feel like it's pertinent enough so we're gonna roll with it #thanks for asking and i'll get to the other asks soon #i really appreciate people taking the time to send me stuff i just dont always have time or know what to say at the time 🥴 #but i'll try! to my own and everyone else's chagrin #text

[dyketubbo]

Egg Tubbo you say?

egg tubbo i do say. because for some reason i really like torturing this lil guy. i went on a ramble about it in another server so ill paste that under the cut but basic summary i expand on the egg a bit more to make it have more stakes + be more horrifying. in this case, the egg helps fulfill your deep desires, but in a monkey paws way where it does it in the worst way possible. simpler desires get fulfilled quicker, complex ones are promised over time. ponk wants an arm, she gets an arm, but being so directly connected to the egg keeps her under control for longer. ant wants velvet back, well.. sacrifice enough people and the egg could do whatever it wished (but velvet probably would be brought back as a server or vessel for the egg)

and well.. tubbo wants a community. a purpose. to know what the fuck he should be doing with his life. he needs to have something to dedicate himself to, that wont leave or be destroyed. and, deep deep down, its not necessarily a desire, but. he feels hes living on a scam, so to speak. like back when they were getting the discs back one more time, or maybe in the wreckage of his country, he should have died to give a chance to someone, something else. hes done enough, and yet he so, so desperately needs something else to do. so the egg takes him in, and takes hold of his wishes.

tubbo doesnt die in the traditional way, but his life does become the eggs, in every way it could. he wanted a community right? to serve and make into a purpose? let the eggpire be his community, let the egg give him a guideline of what to do next with his life, let furthering the eggs reach be his purpose. tubbos body is taken over, his conscious even moreso, but he knows exactly who hes getting next. ramble about the actual story under the cut rather than just the premise

the basic gist is like. i want to make the egg be something a bit more Physical since in my own head i can go outside of what minecraft allows for etc etc. also bc i like fucked up horror scenarios. here, the egg is supposed to give you what you want, but its often a like.. monkeys paw situation, and if you do get what you want its often not in the Way you wanted it.

more direct desires get filled quicker, i.e. ponks arm. and, in this case, tubbos desire for a community. one that respects him, listens to him. one thats like a family, and wont ever leave. but deeper than that, hes very, very tired of everything. he wants a purpose to keep going, but as it is.. he doesnt have one. he cant really make being a husband or father into a Purpose, not the way lmanburg was one. he wants to provide, but in a way that helps a bigger community, one that will fight like lmanburg did against all odds.

and so, the finger curls, and the egg gives tubbo a purpose. to serve the eggpire, and specifically the egg itself. it wraps vines around him, sprouting flowers here and there, and during the process.. he loses his last life, but ends up staying in a weird, half dead state where the egg is not only taking over his body, but still possessing his conscious, and since it needs a conscious to possess in the first place, hes still tied to his own body, not being able to leave for limbo. however, with the altered state, its hard for him to really be aware of much if the egg doesnt care

tubbos actual loved ones are. of course. Devastated. bc what the Fuck tubbo. but all they really know is that he joined the eggpire, not the extent of the control the egg has over him. ranboo ends up panicking abt having to make sure michael isnt affected while also still not alerting techno, so he stays with tommy for a while and has either eret or fundy watch over as him and tommy go out every now and again to try and get tubbo back.

neither of them really succeed, and end up admitting that they need a lot more help. they get tied in more firmly with the egg plot as a result, and join the omelette resistance etc etc. some things stay the same, others change, ranboo gets very close to being possessed but escapes last minute. lots of tension ends up resulting between benchtrio

blah blah skip forward its red banquet time. similar stuff happens, but this time with the addition of tubbo, who is. yknow. somewhat experienced in war strategy, some things get circumvented.

yknow how tubbo has the secret passage by the egg. and also a fucking shitton of dogs left over from nlm. basically he ends up being able to counter technos dog army and is also able to communicate enough that *puffy* loses a life rather than ant, as hannah intercepts in time. tubbo is a lot closer w the other eggpire members here btw but he esp ends up bonding with hannah (bc flowers) and ant (bc gay lovers both of these are simplifications but basically theyre friends). hes also a little closer to ponk (bc they know each other already)

either way, the eggpire still has to flee, but they do suffer less losses here and with tubbos tunnels (which would be more expanded to be a Tubbo Thing that he does during war in general) they end up having some well. technically lower ground but metaphorically higher ground in the situation

eventually, ranboo decides to make a risky decision. he gets some help to try and track some of tubbos tunnels and, one day, waits by one with michael

tubbo comes up eventually and, well. its his son. hes near immediately pacified, not being able to bring himself to hurt michael. ranboo is relieved, but.. tubbo reaches down, kneeling to hug michael.

and then his body slumps.

panicked, ranboo grabs michael and runs off, planning to come back later, but when he does, tubbos body is gone, with only flowers and vines where he last was.

the next time they meet, tubbo looks even more covered in vines and flowers, and this time, when he beckons ranboo to follow, ranboo doesnt hesitate.

ranboo follows tubbo to the egg, and asks why tubbo left, wasnt he happy? tubbo tells him he'll be a lot happier if ranboo joined him. that in the end, this really was the way to bring the family together. if ranboo just gave up now, they could live in peace with michael, and once all the others gave up too, there would be nothing to fight. dream was in prison, schlatt long dead, wilbur nothing but a forgetful ghost. even techno and phil turned out to be fallible. what was there to be afraid of anymore?

tubbo had a purpose now. a community to fight for. a family to care for. isnt that what ranboos always wanted? to fight for people? people over sides, isnt that right? tubbo finally understood now. all it would take is one night, and they could be a happy family forever. just like they wanted.

..what else is there to do? ranboo accepts, and lets himself be walled in next to the egg with tubbo. he rests his head on tubbos chest, calmed by the throbbing heartbeat, and rests.

the egg speaks to him. about all the secrets ranboo has tried to hide, about how it would be so much easier to have a sense of self if he let the egg give him someone to be. he just wants to be there for his family, doesnt he? why keep secrets from tubbo, why keep hurting him by never pressing, always letting him stay complacent? but with the egg, they could understand each other, fight for each other, have no secrets left untold. and nothing but acceptance. doesnt that sound nice?

with very little digging, it drags up a nagging little thought. ranboo would do anything for their family, right? even sacrifice themselves?

the egg whispers that happy families dont keep secrets. if ranboo gave themself up now, there would be none to keep. just them and tubbo, in holy matrimony, where not even death could do them part. the egg knows every little thought, and with a harsh edge, it tells them that *it* knows how to get ranboo their happy family, not dream. cut out the middleman, and get what you want with very little cost.

knowing who he is, wanting to protect his family. very simple desires, really. the egg could tell him everything, all he has to do is let go.

so he does. ranboo lets go, and with the last few blinks of consciousness, they realize they arent hearing tubbos heartbeat. its the egg's.

the _beloveds end up being hard to win back over. its them and michael, til the end. tommy ends up being one of the only ones still fighting for them, rather than against. but with how much the egg is able to take over tubbo and ranboo bc of that whole deal, its even harder for them to break out, especially since, well, michael doesnt realize anythings wrong, so hes still happy and safe and theres nothing that really shocks them out about that.

how things get solved is a bit fuzzier in my mind but i imagine it is tommy who breaks through to tubbo somehow. ithink in this case tubbo has a deal with the other members that they cant hurt tommy or ranboo. maybe one of the members tries to hurt tommy, and it makes him snap out a little, just enough to jog ranboo out a bit too.

thankfully ranboo still has his totem hoarding thing and i think by the end of their deal with the egg both are able to live on the life their totems give them once the egg lets go of control etc etc

#angel answers #egg tubbo au #dsmp #dsmp au #tubbo #possession tw #also tws for implied suicidal ideation/sacrificial tendencies and for manipulation and death + mild body horror #feel free to ask any other questions . bc for some reason this au is really prone to randomly giving me vivid daydreams every now and then

[hyaenidaed]

Development. Small misc headcanons about the twin verse

He’s in Scarbia, he’s kind of like Jamil’s back up when he gets his hands too full. Bishop is pretty easy to deal with when you give him something he wants (money, food, jewelry, etc). He occasionally does chores for the other Scarabia members in return for some extra cash or class notes.

I wouldn’t say he’s friends with anyone in Scarabia though, he’s probably closest to Jamil but thee both of them are aware the other are a fucking snake so they keep eachother at arm’s length. (and then there’s Kalim who thinks he’s friends with everyone, and Bishop occasionally entertains this). He doesn’t have any friends at all, tbh.

He’s the younger twin.Ruggie is older by like a minute or two. But he doesn’t like being treated like a younger sibling or anyone who needs to rely on family. Kalim has a habit of treating him like a sibling and Bishop hates it. And this makes Ruggie’s attempts to connect with his younger brother a little difficult.

His hair is long, a little bit past his shoulders, he keeps it up in a high ponytail.

Abit of a flirt, Pansexual and proud. Though most know that he would only seriously date someone rich.

He’s demi/aromantic. He doesn’t really think romance exists but hey if someone can prove him wrong, he wouldn’t mind.

Kalim forced him to join the Light Music Club since he was refusing to join any club at all, and turns out that Bishop is actually a very good singer. But he refuses to do anything live, so he mostly just does the mixing/set up for Lillia, Cater, and Kalim. He explained the only reason his voice is good because he would practice for street performances and get money that way. When the three have their escapades out of the classroom, Bishop stays behind and makes it seem like the room is still in use so the club doesn’t get in trouble. This is normally when he practices his own singing, when he’s alone.

His unique magic is called ‘Sleeping in the Elephant Graveyard’ and with it he can fake his own death. He cannot use this ability on anyone else. He can snap out of it with a kind of trigger that he sets up beforehand (an alarm on his phone, for example. If he hears it he’ll wake up). If he doesn’t set up a trigger, then it’s possible he’ll be out for a whole day. While he’s under the magic, his pulse completely stops, his eyes are unresponsive, and he stops breathing. When he awakens he feels a bit nauseous and is normally physically weak for a few hours as his body catches up with being alive again. As a last ditch defense mechanism incase someone really thinks he is dead and moves his body, he will automatically be woken up if something sharp punctures his skin, so stab him to make sure he’s really dead, I guess.

He faked his death during the Chapter 4 bullshit so he could escape being mindcontrolled by overblot jamil. He sit the trigger as someone taking a blanket off of him that he hid himself under - so when they were cleaning up the next morning and someone found him, they pulled back the blanket and screamed and slowly Bishop woke up after Kalim and Jamil appeared - thinking he was actually dead. That’s when the dorm found out about his unique magic. Kalim clung to him and cried alot after finding out. Jamil was just glad he hadn’t actually killed anyone.

Like my canon verse Ruggie, Bishop doesn’t have a tail and wears a fake and hopes to get a prosthetic one day. He hasn’t told anyone how he lost it, especially not Ruggie.

Ruggie might have a good work ethic but Bishop is a sleezeball. He’d rather cheat his way to the talk then work hard. Hence why he doesn’t have part time jobs like Ruggie. He normally has scams set up or does stuff in the town near the college like street performing or something of the like for extra money. Also it helps being in a dorm with Kalim cause if he asks for a few bucks for something, Kalim will just give it to him. But even Bishop has SOME manners, and doesn’t take advantage of Kalim unless he really needs to.

#Development . ᵗʰᵉ ᵖʳⁱᶜᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵖᵃʸ #Verse. Twin. kaiibacorp. ˢᶜᵃʳᵃᵇⁱᵃ ʰʸᵉⁿᵃ #okay my tablet is overheating so i can't post his reference #but #vaguely gestures

[elias-code]

The Feeling’s Mutual - c!Techno x Reader

PT 1 because I‘m taking too long lmao

Characters: c!Technoblade x gn!Reader, Philza, Quackity, Charlie S

Summary: [from an ask] The reader is kicked out by Quackity from Las Nevadas and was forced to roam around to look for somewhere to live and they end up in Techno’s cabin after passing out in the tundra. At first, you have a shared hatred of each other, but you end up warming up when you figure out he’s been making you breakfast.

Warnings: Exile, mild malnutrition, corruption

————————— Enjoy :3 —————————

“Ooh! I get to go visit you now! Like a vacation!” Charlie cheered.

“No, Charlie,” You sighed, continuing to follow him out of the city, “I’m getting exiled. I don’t think Quackity will let you visit me,”

He frowned, confused. He wasn’t the best at understanding broad concepts like exile and all the drama that brought it about. He just thinks you’re one of his best friends, and that Quackity is also his best friend. Now, Quackity was in no way your friend as you once were. He banished you for the dumbest thing, just because you challenged his integrity. Unbeknownst to Charlie, Quackity was giving away trade secrets, rigging elections and his casinos. You didn’t join him to scam people, you just wanted a new start after L’Manburg.

You walked with him in silence past the bright neon lights and street lamps of Los Nevadas. You were never going to be allowed back here, even though you built half of the damn place.

“So if Quackity doesn’t let me visit, can you visit me?” Charlie asked solemnly.

“Again, probably not,” You stuffed your hands in your pockets and half-smiled at him, “I don’t think he wants to see me back here. Ever,”

Where were you even going to go? No one would take you. Quackity had made many enemies, who were, in turn, yours, and now no one you were allied with alongside Quackity will be friendly except for Charlie. But Charlie was his lapdog, nothing could touch him and you weren’t going to be allowed around him anymore.

Your enemies list was vast, all the way up at the top, finally overtaking Technoblade, was Quackity. Congrats, Big Q, you piece of shit.

Charlie stopped at the end of the road, finally realizing this might be the last time you see each other. He wanted to cry, but he held it back. There’d always be hope, he could sneak out, you could sneak in. But you’d have to do it all in secret, and it just didn’t feel right to him.

“I’m gonna miss you, Charlie,” You said.

He smiled weakly at you and pulled you in for a slimy hug.

“We’ll see each other again someday,” He stated.

You wanted to believe that, but the pit in your stomach just sank further as the embrace came to an end. You’d have to get going, this would be the last time you see him, or Los Nevadas for that matter, in a long time at least.

-

You spent days wandering. Just as you suspected, no one would take you in. Not even Niki because of your governmental associations. You found the occasional scrap of meat or stale bread in some chests along the prime path, but you felt so sick to your stomach that it became hard to eat anything you found.

From the desert to the ocean to the plains to the tundra you roamed. You hunted with what little supplies you had.

There had been no food for days now, the snow was the only source of water within sight. There were no signs of life, no people, no animals, only the occasional dying tree to sleep under in the blistering cold. As if things couldn’t get any worse, the blizzard came.

Blinding white all around. The only sound audible was the whistling of the wind in the frozen, rotting branches above you. At this point, you’d gone numb, the only thing you could feel was your heart beating heavily in your chest as you lost consciousness.

-

“We couldn’t just leave them out in the snow, Techno! That’s just cruel!”

“They’re with Quackity, Phil. Don’t make me explain this again,”

“I’m not going to let you throw them back out,” Phil explained, “No one would willingly come here, Technoblade. They have a reason, I know it,”

You opened your eyes cautiously. It was warm, you were covered in a thick red cape and a few blankets, the fire next to you was roaring. Whatever argument was taking place had moved further into the distance, out of earshot.

Everything ached, but at least you were warm. You let yourself come to your senses. Maybe the exile was all a nightmare. Maybe Quackity wasn’t a dumb bitch after all. But where were you? Whose bed was this? Whose-

It’s Technoblade’s cape.

Your eyes widened as you shot up out of bed. The pain in your legs was sickening, but so was being in this man’s house. You ran to the fireplace and grabbed some sharp steel tongs, meant for poking at the logs, for protection. His footsteps moved closer, the conversation was over.

You brandished your weapon and prayed for dear life.

The door creaked open and he stepped through, shutting it behind him. He stared at you, looking down at the weapon and then back at the tossed bed. He looked unfazed by your threatening pose. You were more scared than he was.

“I lend you my cape,” Technoblade points at the bed, “And you decide the best move for you is to stab me?”

Guilt crept into your throat.

“What am I doing here?” You hissed at him.

“Phil found you under a tree,” He chuckled, “And decided he wanted to adopt someone else,”

“Aren’t you supposed to kill me or something?”

“Why? Should I?” He threatened, taking a step towards you.

You stepped back, bumping into the table behind you, “That- That’s what you do,”

“If it were up to me, you’d probably be buried in the snow by now.”

You scowled at him, rediscovering past hatred towards him and using that to fuel your rage.

“I’d rather be left out there,” You spat, “Not stuck in here with you-“

“Again, I agree, but Phil is the one you should be angry with if you don’t want to be here,” He rolled his eyes and held his hand out.

“I’m not giving this back to you,” You growled.

He stepped forward and snatched the spear out of your hand, tossing it behind him, out of reach. He leaned forward and hissed in your face, “Don’t try anything, kid,”

You swallowed your pride, weak and unarmed. Whether you liked it or not, you’d have to stay with him for a while. No one would take you in, so it was either deal with Technoblade or die. You might as well use this to your advantage.

-

Days went by where you never even saw Techno. Phil took care of you most of the time, but he didn’t have any room in his house with Wilbur being there and all, so you were forced to sleep in Techno’s cabin. It became easier and more manageable as time went on. The only time you ever really saw him were the latest hours of the night when he’d come home and, if you were lucky, at dawn when he left.

Breakfast usually materialized at your doorstep every morning around the same time. Sometimes it was yoghurt, sometimes fresh fruit, sometimes cold meat and oatmeal, but it was always delicious. You suspected Phil was behind the mysterious meals, that was until you asked him about it.

“I don’t think I ever said, but thanks for breakfast,” You smiled at Phil as you helped him load firewood into the horse’s saddlebags.

He looked at you, perplexed, to say the least.

“What breakfast? Don’t you just eat whatever Techno has?” Phil replied.

Your stomach turned, letting the past couple of weeks turn over in your head. You shouldn’t have assumed Phil was the one making your food. You should’ve asked before you just started gorging yourself every morning.

Phil watched as you turned pale and hopped on the horse. He thought that you just ate whatever Techno had in his pantries, and never questioned it. Now, all was revealed. Techno had been making you breakfast.

For most people living as a guest in someone else's house, having breakfast brought to their door would just be seen as a sweet thing, but it was dangerously blown out of proportions when it was your ex greatest enemy doing it without you even knowing. You silently reasoned with yourself that if he was going to poison you, you’d be dead already. That comforting fact backfired as you realised he could have killed you so easily. Your emotions were on a rollercoaster, and your stomach sank deeper and deeper as the more intrusive thoughts crept in.

You needed to catch him in the act. Something about The Blood God making you breakfast created sentiments of self-worth out of thin air. Part of you wanted to prove it to yourself, and part of you wanted to embarrass him for it.

-

The familiar shine of daybreak made the room glow orange. The fire had gone out that night, as it usually did, but the cold felt like nothing now that you had a mission to accomplish.

You slipped out of bed, clad in leggings and a simple green shirt. The floor was icy on your bare feet but you trodded out the door and down the stairs, heading for the kitchen.

The dining room was salmon-pink, highlighted by the bright orange flickering coming from the fireplace. It was already warmer down here than it was upstairs, the fire must’ve already been on for a while by now. The kitchen was out of view, but you could already smell fish frying from the base of the stairs.

Making your way through the archway, you spotted Techno’s red cape on its hook by the door next to the thick winter coat you loaned from Phil. Below them, both were black boots, sprinkled with half-melted snow. The floorboard below you creaked when you stood in the doorway to the kitchen.

Techno spun around, startled by the noise. His face flushed with guilt temporarily but was quickly replaced by a furrowed brow and confused eyes.

“What are you doing awake? It’s five,” He implored.

“I could smell the salmon,” You shrugged and moved towards him innocently.

He turned back to the fish and turned the stove off, sliding it onto a plate.

“What’re we eating today?”

“You just said,”

You scoffed and conceded. It was a dumb thing to ask, but he wasn’t supposed to answer. It was only meant to highlight the reality that you knew what he’d been doing. Nothing in his expression, now unreadable, made you think he didn’t know that you knew he’d been making you breakfast.

He gently pushed by you, letting his arm brush against yours. It made your heart skip a beat, probably out of fear, you told yourself. Your skin went cold, but you followed him into the next room where he put the dish on the table and gestured for you to sit.

“You don’t seem to hate me anymore,” You mumbled.

“I never said I hated you, just that I don’t like you,”

“Well, you don’t seem to not like me either,”

He blinked at you and sat across the table from you.

“Where are you going today?” You said with a mouthful of food, “To do mysterious things, I imagine,”

“I was going to stay here today, actually.”

You stopped eating.

“I finished my mysterious duties,” He mocked.

Well, he wasn’t going to budge on where he’d been going the past few nights, but that wasn’t particularly important right now. What caught your attention was that he was staying here for the day. Again, meaningless to most people, but with him, it was surprising.

He began snickering, just at your face.

“I was never the one that hated you,” He laughed, “You were the one who brandished that poker at me,”

Your face flushed red with embarrassment, “I can be resourceful, at least,”

He continued to laugh at you, the absurdity of the situation hitting him with full force. Right now you wished you could hit him with full force.

“Alright, alright,” He took a deep breath, “I do have some questions for you,”

You looked up at him, annoyance plastered on your face.

“Shoot,”

“Why are you here instead of Las Nevadas?”

“Because Quackity kicked me out, and-“

“How did you know I made you breakfast?” He cut you off.

“I asked Phil, but-“

“Why did Quackity kick you out?”

“I asked him too many questions, just-“

“Do you still hold any loyalty to him?”

“No, but-“

“Questionnaire over, thank you for participating,” He stood up and excused himself from the table, heading back to the kitchen.

-

Techno never left again after that. He stuck around and made an effort to make you annoyed and uncomfortable every chance he could get. It was becoming a sort of game with him, and you were more than happy to play along. It made it easier to get along with him in general. There’d be no more dreading seeing him, no more awkwardness surrounding your avoidance.

Now, you had other things to be awkward about. If you passed each other a bit too close in a doorway, when you tripped over a rug in the living room, the fact that you were sleeping in his bed, the abrupt flirtatious nature of the man you were now sharing a room with.

You never really thought about it, but before he moved back into his room onto a makeshift bed, he’d been sleeping on the couch. He’d wake you early in the morning when he’d get up to make breakfast, and whenever he did leave to run errands, he’d wake you late at night when he came home.

One morning, around eight, he woke you purposefully.

“Get dressed, I want to show you something,” he whispered, gently shaking you.

You groggily complied and eventually found your way to the front door where he was waiting for you.

“No breakfast?” You asked.

“Breakfast after,” He said, opening the door.

He was dressed in his usual clothes, but he carried a large satchel with him. Inside were different scraps of leftover meat and some bones. He didn’t tell you what for, but you were too tired to ask anyway.

You followed him through the fresh snow, crunching under your feet. It was drowned out by mindless conversation that you both kept up to stay awake. He brought you to a distant hill in a clearing, where a cliffside was awaiting. The conversation stopped as he told you to wait, and he went over to the wall and pressed a rock into the stone.

You could faintly hear the sound of pistons firing before the rock slid down slotted into the floor.

The sound of dogs barking filled the forest as hundreds of dogs and puppies spilt out of the entrance. Most of them went running to Techno, who was now holding the bag aloft, out of reach from the dogs. Some of them ran to you, their tails wagging happily at their new potential playmate.

“Pretty cool, huh?” He shouted.

“Holy-“ You stopped and pet the large, black dog that jumped on you, “Where’d you get so many dogs?”

“Long story,” He began to throw chunks of meat into the writhing pile of hounds, who were now obsessively sniffing you.

“I do this three times a week,” he said as he made his way over to you, “It’d get done a lot faster if you could help now that you’re living here full-time,”

“Wait,” You looked at him blankly, “Full-time?”

“That’s the idea,”

You thought for a moment, “Where am I going to sleep?”

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it,” he said, handing you some chunks of meat to throw.

By the time Techno’s bag was empty, it was almost noon. He shephered them back into the cavern and shut the door behind them. They were very well trained, when he commanded them all to sit once they got inside, there was no hesitation. The puppies were confused at first, but they followed along with the pack flawlessly.

Leaving the clearing, you talked with him freely about your plans for the future at the cabin. It didn’t mean you’d live there forever, knowing Techno, he might end up being hunted out of the tundra eventually. But for now, you were sticking with him.

It was strsnge to think that you were once mortal enemies, staring each other down on the battlefield with nothing but rage coursing through your veins. Now, you were cheerily chatting about what it would be like to settle down together. Between the two of you, mutual feelings of respect and redemption. The distrust was long since buried.

#c!techno x reader #c!technoblade x reader #techno x reader #technoblade #technoblade x reader #techno dsmp #dsmp x reader #dream smp #dsmp #mcyt x reader #mcyt #eli exile #elias original

[karasunology]

⸙ ˚₊ ➷ KUROO TETSUROU & KOZUME KENMA BEING A DAD HEADCANONS ! ❞

✎ . . . all those dad headcanons are making me so SOFT 🥺✨🥺 do you think you could make some for kuroo, akaashi and atsumu as dads if u haven’t done them already??

❝ ― submitted by @ nonnie <3 ❞

✎ . . . i'm happy that your requests are open ! and for dad headcanons?? i am right here to serve my braincells for you ma'am. what about dad! sugawara & kenma? thank you in advance 🤓😘

❝ ― submitted by @ nonnie <3 ❞

-ˏˋ ➶ character(s) ━ kuroo tetsurou & kozume kenma <3

[ trigger warnings ━ slight manga spoilers !! ]

✎ . . . DAD HEADCANONS.

[ SUGAWARA KOUSHI & OIKAWA VERSION. ] [ BOKUTO KOUTARO VERSION. ] [ MIYA ATSUMU VERSION. ] [ IWAIZUMI HAJIME. ]

-ˏˋ playing soleil's tape ˊˎ-

[ 📼 ] . . . someone send me cute dad suggestions because i am running🏃out of ideas💡 i'm also finaly done with dad! akaashi hcs in my notes, so feel free to request ( even non-dad related ones ) because i lowkey have no life👉👈🗿

KOZUME KENMA.

➜ it would come as a shock to him honestly ─ you guys used protection and he was atleast careful despite having lazy smex half of the time

➜ but what shocks YOU the most was that he didn't want to get rid of the baby ─ he just couldn't, it was a child he co-reated with the love of his life, how could he ?

➜ you were quick to come with an agreement with him, his soft smile tugging on his lips to form, the smile 80% of the time would come out only for you ( shoyou & kuroo )

➜ he was also lowkey excited, he texted shoyou and kuroo about it as they both congratulated him and were already trying to do dibs on who'll be god father

➜ and you've noticed that he was bit more affectionate with you when you were in your pregnancy, his head on your lap as you play with his hair ─ which he usually doesn't like people doing?? and would every now and then kiss your tummy while playing his games

➜ i want to h*ld his hand

➜ and k*th him

➜ he's like a mother cat on pregnancy, but with you ─ never lets you do work, saying that he already has it under all on control, very protective of you and literally hisses at other people coming near you LMAO WTF MAN

➜ tries to be as knowledgable for your pregnancy as much as possible ─ just like the other dads in my hcs, they want YOU to feel comfortable with EVERYTHING and want YOU to feel supported

➜ has already bought EVERYTHING you needed, even extra ones and has booked appointments left and right

➜ like mans hasn't done this much effort after volleyball ngl

➜ but just like everyone else ─ he's terrified, he doesn't know alot of these things and of course you're the only woman he has ever gotten pregnant and he doesn't have any experiences in these type of thing whatsoever

➜ doubts were not uncommon ─ if he ever was going to be a good father to his child, if he was even a good fiancé to you, was he even worth to have a child with ?

➜ this bb boy CRIED when he heard you guys were having twins, TWINS; like as in a girl and a boy

➜ when kaori and kazu were born, kenma wasn't aware that he could fall in love all over again

➜ is this even worth mentioning because everyone probably knows this?? he s p o i l s  them big time

➜ whenever he's working late at night, he'll always be the one telling YOU to go back to sleep and he'll be the one to take care of the kid for the night

➜ and by kid, i meant kazu because somehow??he??got??his??father's??sleeping??schedule??

➜ and it's how he sleeps by

➜ sometimes whenever you wake up, you find yourself alone in the bedroom and whenever you look at either the game room or your childrens' room, you would always find kenma lying with his children on couch-bed ─ kozu and kaori on each side of his head, kaori having her small little fingers holding and sometimes tugging onto her dad's hair

➜ and sometimes you would also join them

➜ but most of the time, you would head to the kitchen and make some breakfast

➜ and usually kenma would wake up and put his kids back to their crib and he'd go look for you, finding you cooking as he would wrap his arms around your waist as he hugs you from the back

➜ i just wanna get myself a gamer boi kenma

➜ since he gets a lot more clingey whenever he wakes up

➜ whenever he's streaming USUALLY, kozu would sleep on his lap like a cat while kaori is sleeping in his head?? Idk how??

➜ while his fans literally PAY him to show his adorable kids, some even commented how they're all so cat-like and alike with their father

➜ one time while streaming, he was probably ranting tf out of a game he wasted his money on and warning his fans not to buy it because it's basically a scam

➜ and while he was in the middle of ranting, his daughter comes in while holding a blanket on her as she rubbed her eyes looking so much like a small kitten, he literally STOPS DEAD ON HIS SWEAR WORD AS HIS EYES WIDDENED while the people in the chats are either fangirling how CUTE his daughter was or DYING because mans was almst about to swear and interrupted himself

➜ before he could react a bundle of energy comes into the gaming room, you hot tailing on his tracks as you came into the room while trying to retrieve kozu

“ kozu!! don't come in there ahH ─ ” you blushed as you looked at both your boyfriend that has an amused eyebrow cocked up, and onto the camera before laughing and smiling at it since his fans ADORE YOU

➜ when you finally got your hands on your son, you smiled at your daughter as you signaled her to come over to you

➜ but before she could come to you she was already lifted at her father's lap

“ it's fine, i'll have her with me ” he said as he nodded at you, placing her gently in the middle of his lap as his arms encaged her while he played his games

➜ before leaving with a pouting kozu on your arms you threw a peace sign at the camera for his fans, closing the door on the way out

➜ let's just say that it lowkey went viral because it's literally so cute

➜ sorry i just HAD to reference that interview that got viral before

➜ one time where you fell asleep with both of your children curled up to you in the bed, kenma just finished a long stream as he walked to the bedroom hoping to fall asleep ontop of you yet finds two cute cat looking children cuddling you

➜ he quickly took a photo or two and made it both his home and lockscreen before sending it to shoyou

➜ and then sliding himself onto the covers as he, himself, nuzzled himself onto your warmth

➜ the relatable dad, idk why but i really see him getting along with children especially when they're teenagers ─ i just, i COULD SEE IT

➜ especially kaori😭 since she inherited his introverted and somehow shy side??

➜ kaori : *slids down the chair after coming home from school* i wanna die

➜ kenma : same

➜ he would introduce video games to his children AHH

➜ would even play violent games with them because why not?

➜ you'd prolly have to scold him after though

➜ the biggest achievement was when both of his children listing game consoles on their christmas lists

➜ and it was on the top of the list

➜ but kenma, being the kanbe(kambe??) daisuke he is, he bought all the things on that list

➜ he knows his kids are supposed to be studying at school ─ he knows it, he really does, that's why he made them go to school

➜ but he couldn't help but play along with his children on the imessage games when he DEFINITELY knows that they were in the middle of history class

➜ and you'll just find out it through the family gc seeing them spam the chat with games and screenshots of their scores while comparing them😭

➜ he always knew how to communicate with his children ─ perhaps it was because of the reason that they are his children

➜ but whenever his daughter comes to him complaining about human interactions and wanting to stay home while his son complains about school being in the way of gaming ─ he's just like : WE SEE EACH OTHER

➜ baby boy is a lazy bum, but he will never hesitate to participate and contribute to his children's life ─ not only through things, but also with just his guidance and presence

➜ your pregnancy may have come across as an accident, but it was never a mistake to kenma.

KUROO TETSUROU.

➜ after getting married for two years now, you couldn't help but want to start building a family with kuroo

➜ LIKE WHO WOULDN'T?? this is kuroo tetsurou we are talking about

➜ unlike oikawa and bokuto ─ YOU were the one having the baby fever

➜ your friends and colleagues already having or talking with their partners to start or adopt

➜ but of course you were lowkey insecure, why wasn't he even mentioning that he wanted a family with you? does he think that it was a waste of time? or maybe he doesn't want to start it with you ─ maybe you were the problem?

➜ but unbeknownst to you, tetsurou also wanted to start a family with you ─ he wanted a lot of children, actually. but he doesn't want you to feel pressured ─ since you guys are still youthful, there's still a lot of time to think about it

➜ and most of all, he doesn't want to start a family with anyone else BUT YOU

➜ whatthefucksanaol sir eye ─

➜ and he's already talking to bokuto behind your back about wanting to start a family with you ( and of course kenma )

➜ but BOKUTO IS JUST SCARILY GOOD AT ADVICES

➜ it's quite eerie honestly

➜ you, thinking it was only just a slight baby fever with all your friends wanting them as well, tried dismissing your thoughts

➜ but your mind said nO❌🚫 RIGHTS✅💢

➜ and kuroo could notice the slight change in behaviour with you, it was subtle but he was quite perceptive

➜ with his cat eyes intently watching you as you tried avoiding his gazes because all you could think is HAVING A BABY WITH THE SAME EYES AS HIM FIIFJJCJC

➜ HELP ME

➜ it was fine until he confronted you about it

➜ kuroo ─ for me, is someone to face a problem head-on, it's just his personality, so it wasn't a surprise that he seriously yet carefully and nonchalantly confronted you while you guys were about to sleep as you layed your head on his lap, taking in his warmth

➜ and that's where mans dropped the b*mb💣

“dollface? is everything alright with you?”

➜ just imagine kuroo's concerned voice is all that you could hear along with the palpitations of your heart as he caressed your cheeks, brushing off the hair covering your face as he puts down science pun book he had on his hands on the nightstand

➜ now i can't help but imagine that scene from the special/bonus chapter from bj alex with chanwoo and MD on the bed, that scene where he tries to confront chanwoo about that bruise on his face? ughshshsj

➜ all he heard was that you wanted to start a family with him👉👈 and now he's seconds to going FERAL and push you down the matress

➜ 😳🔞

➜ SIR CALM DOWN PLEATHES

➜ I CAN'T TAKE IT

➜ but mans was quick to get himself back to reality, a bashful smile tugged on his lips as he nodded at you, kinda disappointed that you had to be the braver person in the relationship to bring out the topic and it wasn't him

➜ mans is competitive okay

“ . . . why don't we start now? ” he slyly grinned, y'know, that cheshire cat grin

➜ let's just see you guys didn't sleep at all that night

➜ kuroo was, though not surprisingly, good and knowledgable with pregnancy, not like he secretly researched about it that one time when you guys got a pregnancy scare that started all his wild thoughts about you carrying his child um ─

➜ and this is kuroo we are talking about lmao

➜ i think he has his insecurities but was never doubtful of himself being a father, LIKE MANS HAS TAKEN CARE OF A WHOLE ASS VOLLEYBALL TEAM ─ but he knows there is a difference between being a father to his child and being a good one

➜ i wanna m*rry him too😡

➜ you gifted him a daughter, his first born. the first time he saw her, GOD WAS THIS THE BEST ACHIEVEMENT IN HIS LIFE

➜ like who knew you guys could create someone so beautifully mashed of both him and you ─ but you disagree, as even by the youngest age of four months or three, you could see the literal resemblance of your husband on her

➜ and it was uncanny, her eyes were the ones you dreamed of your children having ─ molten golden ones of tetsurou's, her cat-like grin and sly personality

➜ she was always quick to lean on her father's warmth, and that made kuroo CRY and you kinda jealous

➜ but nevertheless, you knew that there were plenty of times to make one that loves you just as much taiga loves tetsurou

➜ and you did get it, second born after only half a year, was tamaki, which has taken both your personality and tetsurou's, while having your appearance.

➜ but you were quick to notice to comment that tamaki has gotten kuroo's shy personality while he was young, he would always shy away from his sister that kept clinging onto him since she has never had a playmate other than her uncles from nekoma's old volleyball club

➜ kuroo was to say the least, really happy when he sees your two children getting along with each other since he, himself, has grown up alone with no sibling and without a mother

➜ and as he looked at you playing tamaki and taiga as tamaki got you all wrapped around his finger while taiga was looking for her father, he couldn't help but smile

➜ believe it or not, taiga first said your name ─ not tetsurou's

➜ in your face kuroo

“ come on, say dada !! ” your husband patted his thighs to make a sound as he sat on the bed while your daughter just ─ once again, leaned on his touch, nuzzling her face onto his warm thighs while giggling

➜ he dropped his phone to the bed whining, “ mama! look at her ─ ”

“ ─ mama!! ” your daughter imitated his words, both leaving you guys stunned and wide-eyed as you laugh in shock while tamaki was jealous you gave his sister more attention and now tugging softly at your hair,

“ . . . mama? ”

➜ KUROO WAS SO DONE, HIS COMPETITIVE LOWKEY PETTY ASS WAS DONE

➜ also belive it or not, tamaki was the one who got his father's sleeping habits of having two pillows on both sides of his head

➜ HE'S THE TYPE OF DAD THAT USES A VACCUM CLEANER TO STYLE YOUR DAUGHTERS HAIR LIKE THE ONES ON THOSE VIDEOS ON YT SNSJJSNZZ

➜ and it actually??comes??off??nice??and neat??

➜ at the age of 7, your daughter was already picked to represent her class on a science fair AND YOU BET TETSUROU IS SO PROUD OF HIS DAUGHTER

➜ would be such a supportive dad

➜ visits tamaki and taiga's volleyball games ─ like atleast all over them, and would bring along his old teammates to it maybe just to relive old memories because you BET that they're attending nekoma

 ➜ would always have these little traditions and inside jokes with them and you

➜ especially science ones

➜ what do we expect? HE'S LITERALLY A DORK

➜ AND SO ARE HIS KIDS

➜ they just vibe with each other ngl, like kuroo is just a down-to-earth guy and could get along with BOTH your extroverted daughter and introverted son, since he was both of them in a moment from his life

➜ uncle kenma would always bring in gifts for them because they're literally now his cats because they are now cats

➜ sorry i don't make the rules

➜ my husband, kenma, does😋

➜ your kids LOVE HIM though, especially tamaki being a bit like kenma ─ both, growing a soft spots for each other

➜ whenever some of his old teammates would visit, taiga is always on uncle lev's back while yaku scolds him to put her tf down or else she'll fall

➜ tamaki on the other hand, is just safely sitting beside his uncle kenma while he watched him play games ─ which he has also grown to love

➜ doesn't let your kids forget to eat and makes them eat even if taiga's in the phase of wanting to be sexy gorl tingz ─ DADDY KUROO SAYS NO RIGHTS🚫

➜ overall, kuroo couldn't ask for more, he was so proud of his children no matter what they do through and through and of course you too ─ for carrying his children, bringing them into the world and being patient with them

#kuroo tetsurou x reader #kozume kenma x reader #haikyuu!! headcanons #haikyuu headcanons #haikyuu smau #haikyuu social media au #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu drabbles #kuroo tetsurou scenarios #kozume kenma scenarios #kozume kenma smau #kuroo tetsurou smau #kenma x reader #kuroo x reader #hq headcanons

[hopeymchope]

Wonder Egg Priority finale thoughts

My Tumblr has a lot of anti-bully content, so it was probably no surprise when I began to watch and enjoy Wonder Egg Project this past spring. The series famously hit production delays that forced them to put out a mid-series recap episode, and that decision in turn forced them to push the final episode until late June. But now that the series (or at least season 1) is out there and complete, I thought I’d talk about how it all shook out in the end as well as the questions it left me sitting with.

For the uninitiated, here’s a bit of the context: Wonder Egg Project deals with four middle-school teen girls who’ve undergone hardships either at home or at school or both. They all lose someone they care about to tragic suicides, and then they discover the titular wonder eggs. They get these eggs from a vending machine and then, when they fall asleep, they enter a dreamworld where these eggs hatch to reveal a young person who recently committed suicide. For that night, it is the duty of the girl who got that egg to fight and defend that suicide victim from monstrous enemies that represent their abusers and oppressors. The girls are told that if they protect enough of these victims over many nights, they will be able to resurrect the specific person they lost to suicide. But of course, if you get injured or killed in the dreamworld, it affects your body in reality as well. 

The squad: Ai, Neiru, Rika, and Momoe.

Obviously, bullying is among the topics most frequently explored here, but we also deal with so many other terrible things that people might experience during childhood and adolescence. Physical, verbal, and sexual abuse are all on the table. Coming to terms with one’s gender identity is raised. It’s a show that manages to tackle a lot of heavy subjects through the lens of what’s essentially magical girl combat. I mean, there are no outfit transformations or any of that stuff, but still.

With THAT out of the way, let me talk about how the series wrapped up.

It’s clear to the viewers that there’s a lot that doesn’t make sense during the show — it’s intentionally very trippy and ethereal at times — and there’s also a lot that raises obvious questions even if you grasp it. Where do the eggs and their connection to the recently deceased come from? How do the psychological traumas of the various egg-children manifest as monsters that can literally kill you? What’s the deal with Acca and Ura-Acca and their freaky dummy bodies? What are they getting out of this whole deal with the eggs and the girls? What do the repeated references to the “temptation of death” mean? How does access to the Egg Garden even work? Is it really possible to resurrect their dead friends? Is Mr. Sawaki a predator or a chill guy or what? Why did Neiru’s sister stab her? And so on. 

The writers could’ve opted to keep things mysterious and hazy and metaphysical for the entire run or they could’ve provided lots of explanations and tried to ground this weird story in some sort of strange logic, but I’m actually pleased that they opted to go down the middle. There are answers for many things, but not for all. And when those answers come, they typically just raise more questions as well as doubts to their validity. 

SPOILERS for the finale/”special episode” below the cut.

So, obviously the answers for Acca and Ura-Acca are centered around Frill. Frill is this interesting fusion between the artificial and the organic; her body can be injured like any regular physical body, but she’s actually an A.I. on the inside. Acca and Ura-Acca are the exact reverse of this — they’re human minds inside of completely artificial bodies. Exactly how Frill started invading girls’ minds to lure them towards suicide is kept incredibly vague, but she serves as the embodiment of the “temptation of death” that was so-often referenced in the show. Frill doesn’t really appreciate life or care about the finality of death, making her a pretty natural foe for the heroes who have spent the entire series learning to appreciate their lives and bemoaning painful losses.

Can you even believe this bitch?

Acca and Ura-Acca also have documents talking about how warriors of Eros need to battle against Thanatos, the embodiment of death, but what’s that all about? We don’t really get into it. Is Frill somehow Thanatos herself? I mean... I guess maybe you could go that route, but I sincerely don’t think that’s meant to be the case. I assume she’s just another player in the game, and she happens to have taken Thanatos’ side in things. Her artificial existence and resentment of her fathers leads her to treat death flippantly. She was programmed to be selfish sometimes, and that selfishness has ultimately manifested itself in the worst possible ways. Intriguingly, we see Acca and Ura-Acca act similarly selfish in how they drive our four heroes to risk their lives just to battle Frill. Acca in particular shows that he’ll risk anyone’s life to get to Frill, who killed both his wife and daughter. But Acca never has to risk his own life. He’s just risking other people. Both sides of the equation are treating human lives like disposable pawns in some kind of war game. 

Y’all are SUPER-SKETCH.

It’s never really clear how these eggs work. We’re told that the Accas created the eggs, and honestly, I could’ve figured as much on my own. But they don’t try to explain how the eggs can contain the souls of suicide victims or how they manifest those people into dreams, and frankly, it’s probably better not to try.

I was really shocked that the girls actually manage to resurrect their dead friends. I was 100% certain that was going to be a scam and the point was going to be about learning to move on and live for the moment and appreciate those bonds while you had them, etc. And there is some of that. Alas, the price of resurrecting those people they care about is that the people in question no longer know them or remember them. That was pretty brutal... having our heroes nearly die over and over in service of people who ultimately will no longer care about them at all. Although they did the impossible and brought someone back to life, they had to lose those people all over again. I suppose this, like much fo the finale, emphasizes that we should appreciate our relationships while they last, because you can lose them for so many reasons. Regardless, I’m not surprised that Momoe just wanted to quit and avoid getting hurt after that. It’s understandable.

There’s a lot of discussion around parallels in the last two episodes. Parallel worlds with alternate versions of the self are raised multiple times, Ai gets an awesome encounter with a parallel version of herself that really brought her emotional journey to a head, and we even have to deal with a doppleganger of Neiru at the end. This leads to the revelation that Neiru looks exactly like her formerly deceased sister... a fact that presumably was part of what drove the sister to attack Neiru in the first place. Given that we’ve already been told that they were both genetically engineered, their identical appearances don’ seem that strange. But then the finale tells us that Neiru’s one dream is “to be human,” and suddenly the characters assume Neiru was an A.I. just like Frill. That... seems like a leap to me. I mean, she was genetically engineered to lead her company and never had a family of her own; no wonder she feels inhuman! So I’m not sure if I should take this at face value.

Neiru real or fake challenge

Another thing that I don’t think we can take at face value is Mr. Sawaki’s explanation of Koito’s death. In episode 12, we meet a parallel version of Ai who actually killed herself. The big boss monster for Ai to fight while protecting Alt-Ai? It’s a dark, abusive version of Sawaki. And our Ai inexplicably assumes this monster was made from her own fears. A very bizarre conclusion to jump to when you remember that every single boss monster has been the abuser of the victim that the girls were defending in that episode. By all available evidence, the Sawaki monster should be a parallel-world Sawaki who is very much exactly the scumbag he appears to be! Notice how Alt-Ai never says a damn word about the Sawaki Monster - never asks who he is or why he’s like this, etc? She’s not even surprised. That just lends further credence to my belief. FOLLOW THE EVIDENCE.

So in the finale, when our version of Mr. Sawaki claims (via a VERY awkwardly inserted voiceover) that Koito’s death was an accident after she tried to ruin his reputation because she fell in love with him, why should I believe any of it?! The previous episode introduced me to Abusive Sawaki! Sure, we don’t have any reason to assume our Sawaki is That Dick, but we JUST learned that he’s certainly capable. Furthermore, how could Koito suddenly be the ONLY accidental death among all of the available suicide victims in the dreamworld? She shouldn’t have even appeared there if it was just an accident! Although I’d like to believe that Sawaki was someone who Ai and the girls were jumping to conclusions about based on nothing... but it sure doesn’t look that way from here. And given how the show ends things, I fear we may have a hard time learning anything else about Sawaki. Ai changes schools and runs away, there is zero comment on what happened to Sawaki’s relationship with her mom... he’s just gone now.

As the final episode winds down, we see Rika and Ai fall back into bad habits, as they all treat Neiru just like they treated the girls they tried so hard to save. Rika acts disgusted by a friend and abandons her, treating Neiru the same way she treated Cheimi. When Neiru finally reaches out to Ai and calls her, Ai ignores the call and throws her phone away, thereby ignoring her friend’s needs in the same way she ignored Koito’s when she failed to record the bullying Koito was experiencing. You might even be able to connect Momoe’s choice to walk away for the sake of self-preservation to her decision to reject Haruka and walk away, honestly. And to compound the bad news that the show gives us near the end, we skip forward months to learn that Ai, Rika and Momoe have all drifted apart. Ai is in a new school, but we don’t see her with any new friends. She’s back where she started the show.

The difference, however, is that she doesn’t seem hopeless and lonely. She seems wistful, sure, but she never seems beaten down. She still treasures the friendships she built even if they wind up fading away. So there’s still a message in here about moving on, because even if you lose a person or a connection, it will forever matter.

*insert engine rev-up noises*

In the final moments, we see Ai preparing to run in the exact same pose she used back in episode 1 when she first stood up to the abusers within the dreamworld. This time, she runs to grab her chance to reunite with a dear friend. She takes charge of her own future and her own self-worth, somehow gets back into the Egg Garden (even though Rika wasn’t even allowed to enter after she rescued her specified victim, so uh... how did Ai get back in exactly... ?), and insists she’s going to use the eggs to see Neiru... even though the eggs only let you see the dead up to this point, so uh, that doesn’t really make any sense either. Consistency, motherfucker — DO YOU USE IT?

Amidst all the uncertainty that the finale left us with, at least we can see Ai find herself in a more confident place. She spends much of the series learning to stop running from her problems in the real world. Even after she gains confidence in the battles of her dreams, she struggles to face reality. It’s a huge step when she returns to school. Yet even in the very last episode, she opts to run away to a new school rather than cope with seeing Koito each day. But at last, she decides to take charge of her reality and try to reunite with her new best friend, Neiru. She’s wavered on her path, but ultimately, she’s grown. Although you could simultaneously argue that she’s failing to learn the lesson that rescuing Koito should’ve taught her...

“Ai Ohto is BACK!”

I don’t think any of us expected this finale to be a cliffhanger coming into it.  And unfortunately, we don’t know if there will ever be another season or a movie or anything. Given how people reacted to this finale with such overt hate, I really don’t expect anything more. And I think that would be a goddamn shame. Even with a finale that doesn’t quite stick the landing, I still found it fascinating and engaging. The series is more than worth the trip for the characters, for the themes and topics it explores, and even for the fluid action scenes and music. And this is a series that was made by first-time writers and a first-time director! Yet I’d easily call it one of the best animes from the past couple of years. For total newcomers, that’s a goddamn TRIUMPH.

So I hope we reunite with these girls again. I hope Ai manages to get the band back together, find out exactly what’s going on with Neiru, and face down Frill. Even if they never wind up in some ultimate battle with Thanatos, I don’t know that that’s the point. All of us are in a battle with Thanatos every single day, after all. They just need to show how they’ve all gotten stronger together and truly overcome the “Temptation of Death” by beating back Frill (and her ridiculously powerful dreamworld bug-people) as a unit. 

But maybe that’s too obvious and simplistic of a message for a show like this one. Maybe this complex ending centered on the main protagonist’s self-actualization and the value of fleeing relationships is more in keeping with the melancholy nature of the series. 

... I still really want to see the more obvious happy ending, though. I think they deserve it.

#wonder egg priority #ai ohto #wep #anime #anime reviews #wonder egg special episode #wonder egg priority special episode #wonder egg priority finale #wonder egg finale #wonder egg

[i-love-hobbies]

(This isn't an anti-Eda, anti-Lilith or anti-Bump post. Just read this fully, please!)

Murder and violence are not ok!

This whole thing started literally after s1ep2 where Eda murdered a dude on screen.

What am I talking about?

"It's just a cartoon. Don't read too much into it."

I don't have a very strong opinion on this but I'm not a fan of normalizing murder. Also "Heroes that are genocidal maniacs, kill the villain cause he's awful." sounds extremely cringe.

And why are you reading a post that analyses a part of a cartoon right now?

"Death is normal on the Boiling isles, so that makes it ok."

Woah, woah! WHAT?

If everyone used that logic, slavery would still be a thing.

Just cause it's normalized in a culture doesn't mean it's less harmful or that everyone that comes from that culture does it.

It can be used to explain someone's actions, but not excuse them.

The ignorance of context.

1. Eda's murders

First I wanna point out that it was never emotional, it was all calculated. Remember when Tibbles scammed her, she didn't attack him back. None of her kills are revenge. She has always had something to win from them.

She has murdered two people, probably more, Adegast and Tibbles.

If she didn't kill Adegast. I can see this going two ways. He would starve to death, which means she put him out of his misery or he would slowly go back to full power which ties with Tibbles.

Batman kills the Joker.

No they are not as bad as the Joker but they would have continued trying to hurt her untill they got the idea of killing Willow and Gus in their sleep. TIBBLES KNEW THEIR ADDRESS!

Also if they were willing to do this. Who knows what else they have done to other people too. By doing this she has saved more lifes than she has taken (mostly kids).

Plus this willingness to kill is probably the reason Luz can go to school. Eda's enemies know that if they become an actual treat, things won't end well.

Her enemies are criminals. They are not stupid enough to think that she is helpless without magic. Especially now that she isn't running from the law.

- Now on to almost killing Amity in s1ep5 by making Luz cheat. That was messed up but not that badly.

Witches are harder to hurt, there were healers around who would help a Blight. She saw Amity use abomination so she knew mainly her traps were gonna be activated by a non-living thing.

Luz was going to be injured if that didn't happen. Amity was not in control of her strength and I don't think Lilith thought this trough. Though both sisters would have probably intervened when this got out of hand.

She also isn't the one to force Luz into the fight as many people have said. She has never on screen forced her opinion on someone else except in s1ep9 which was to protect her from school and changed in that episode. Luz just couldn't leave cause quitting ment never being able to perform magic.

Now I know that the right thing to do here was for her to try talk things through. I'm just saying it's not as bad as it seems.

2. Eda's scamming

To get my point across I'm gonna compare it to Wordlob.

Hers is the equivalent of you trying to buy gold and getting plastic. His is the equivalent of you're desperate for a cure and he promises to give it to you and then steals all your money and leaves you to die.

You're not going to try to buy gold when your desperate are you?

Scamming can take different forms and hers is the least harmful.

And consider this, what else can she do to put food on the table with her two adopted kids, Hooty and Owlbert. She can't find a legal job, cause that would be helping Belos, she'll die before she does that and she definitely knows ways to disguise herself but that puts her at risk as well.

3. Lilith's redemption arc still works

Yes, she did murder a bird in s1ep18, but the way it talked and acted. It seemed like it was mimicking speach.

Yes, she did almost kill a child, but she has made up for it probably in that week and a half that we didn't see considering this is the Boiling isles and everything is trying to kill you.

Plus, Eda only talked about the curse, considering "You hurt Luz, you cursed me!" She is not the person who would forget about her kid.

Bonus, she did make up for it on screen as well. In s2ep2 she saved King from Eda's experiments. In s2ep3 she saved Luz and King with her ice glyphs, when she could have just left, giving time for Eda to get them out of there. If Eda didn't show up Lilith would be dead.

4. Bump's jokes

- Dissecting Luz

I don't know why everyone talks about Bump and Amity trying to dissect Luz. They weren't certain if this was going to kill her. They weren't certain if she was alive. All they knew was that the lie will be broken if this would kill her.

Yes, they did try to catch her later on, but not to kill her. They wanted to make sense of what's going on and hopefully find her parents so she gets at the very least a talk on why she shouldn't do this.

Willow just overreacted which in return made Luz do the same.

- Bump's detention room

This room is a hypnosis one. Hypnosis is a job in real life. It can be dangerous but that can also be said about therapy if the therapist is bad. Depends on who does it.

"Impressive still alive!" This is a joke.

If a hypnotic session is stopped in the middle, you'd be too relaxed to be able to move. He was fine, he just needed some time.

- Bump's add

Everything that attacked Matt was alive. He probably did something to piss them off. But yeah Bump should have done something.

- Detention track

Guys knowing what he did for Willow in s1ep3, it's obvious that he was in a lot of stress. If he did what he did in that episode regularly. You just touch an orb and byeeeeee. Then this place should have been crowded.

Plus the wall with troublemakers' names had what six names and a portrait of lord calamity. Eda left school before three decades. And that's all we got.

He was probably not gonna keep them there even though he said so. He probably wasn't even planning that.

- Grom was very messed up. I have nothing to say except I wouldn't be surprised if the Emporer's coven forces this to be a thing and refuses to send actual adults, so the kids learn from a young age or whatever.

- Same with the photomemory class.

- "Bosha got away with murder. I can't say I approve, but at least she's trying new things."

This was a joke. Bosha's parents definitely have influence. His hands are tied like usual so he has learned to make jokes out of it. Plus since when are principals responsible for what happens out of school grounds.

5. The bat queen

She is a protector of palismans and I don't think she started to kill until the government was against her (I'm talking about her cave having bones all over it.)

I can't say it's completely justified like I did with Eda. But I don't see a way out of it where palisman wouldn't be extinct.

Now let's see our vilians' behaviour

1. Adegast

He was trying to kill Eda for his business by using a child as a bait.

2. Tibbles

He almost murdered four children so his stand is revenged.

3. Piniate

Is keeping people captive and literally is making them helpless as a punishment for not writing a book.

4. Demon hunters

They were gonna trow kids off a cliff. I'm not sure why actually.

5. The cat ladies

They were kidnapping children for their cafe.

6. The "coven" inspecture

She was stealing all the magic from none other than kids for power.

7. Wordlob

Who knows how many people have died, lost their jobs and so one, cause of his scams. All for money.

8. Warden wrath

He cut Eda's head so she goes out with him. Captures people for nothing.

9. Odalia and Alador

Alador was not stopping Odalia from trying to kill Luz. In their mind this was gonna help in combination with their child abuse, with their daughter helping their business. Everything they have done for now is for their business.

They backed up when Alador saw an opportunity for THEIR BUSINESS.

10. Kikimora

She tried to murder a child, cause of jealousy. Uses her authority to make the system even worse, cause how dare them look in her direction.

11. Belos

Is abusing a child and abused Lilith. Is the reason that palisman are getting extinct. Wild magic= death sentence. Basically created a horrible authority system that has created a lot of suffering and who knows how many it has killed. Probably all for power, though we don't know completely.

#toh #the owl house #toh eda #eda clawthorne #eda the owl lady #edalyn clawthorne #the owl lady #toh lilith #lilith clawthorne #toh bump #toh bat queen #toh vilians #toh kikimora #toh belos #emporer belos #toh odalia #toh alador #toh golden guard #toh hunter

[jaggedlittleteacup]

Three Acts

Note: @call-me-moo I hope you like this one!

Act One

My ears are still ringing as my sluggish brain struggles to comprehend what has just occurred. A gunshot, an exceedingly loud one at that, and a smoking gun held aloft by none other than Mary Morstan-Watson.

How can it be Mary? John...but...John...this is impossible...Mary is harmless, Mary is sweet, Mary is…

...A liar.

Magnussen lies dead on the floor, a neat bullet hole between his eyes, a steady trickle of blood leaking onto the grey carpet. His glasses are askew, but there’s no expression of any sort of astonishment or surprise on his face. In fact, there’s no evidence that it was not an entirely planned execution, and yet…there is no way he could have predicted this, known about this. Yet his dull eyes seem to hold a secret knowingly above my head.

No, no, no, no- this is all wrong.

“M...Mary…? What the hell…?” I whisper, a million thoughts racing through my head. This wasn’t possible.

Mary was…Mary was good, wasn’t she…?

Mary sighs and clicks her tongue as she casually reloads her weapon. Her blonde hair is tucked beneath a black cap, and every trace of friendliness and cheer is gone from her icy, stone-like gaze. It hardly even looks like the woman John had wedded only a year prior…

Please, this is a nightmare, let me wake up…

“You have questions,” Mary says softly, her eyes softening for a moment as she flashes an uncertain smile. For a moment, I catch a glimpse of the old Mary- but that’s all it is, a glimpse.

Understatement of the century.

I nod, dazed, as I stare at her. “Mary, whatever he has on you...I can…”

I can do what, exactly? Wave my magic wand and make whatever she’s done- whoever she’s killed- go away?

She seems to read my mind and her smile quickly disappears. “You can’t do anything, Sherlock,” she murmurs, a pang of regret heavy in her voice.

He trusted her.

I try to reason with her, to appeal to her senses. It’s what John would want. “Please, I can, just...put the gun down. We’ll figure something out, John is in the other room-“

Mary is a liar.

“Actually...one thing. Please, will you do this for me?” Her tone is pleading, desperate. I almost feel sympathetic.

Liar.

I nod again, feeling a vague sense of alarm and wariness, but I don’t move.

Liarliarliarliarliarliarliarliarliarliar-

She raises her gun. “Tell Jim Moriarty I said hi.”

I feel the bullet before I can even react. It lodges in the cavity of my chest. Warm, sticky blood soaks my white shirt. I fall backwards, I know that’s what I’m supposed to do. It seems like everything’s in slow motion- it must be, I can see it all happening so slowly, every minute detail…

Think, don’t go into shock, focus, remember-

Female window-cleaner, her 3K diamond ring scratched the corner, but wasn’t pulled away quickly and left a long scratch, so clearly engaged to someone she doesn’t care too much about- cheating with the IT man-

Liar. She’s a liar.

Don’t go into shock, think.

Janitor has a cane- strange for someone who’s on his feet all the time. It’s a scam to claim disability- the indents by the door shows that he comes in with a cane, looks around to check if someone’s there, and drops it by the front door.

Mary is...a liar. She lied about everything. She fooled John, she fooled Mrs. Hudson, she fooled me.

Think. Think. Think.

Magnussen. Magnussen was killed by someone- no, not someone, Mary- he knew. Or thought he knew. Obviously, she pretended to be a friend of Janine’s, but it was a ploy to gain access to Magnussen. She used her the same as I did. Does that mean I’m just as bad?

No, no, focus.

She set out to kill me. Does she love John?

It’s raining, it’s pouring…

Focus!

Why did she kill Magnussen?!

...Sherlock...is boring…

Stop, just focus!

Why did she need Magnussen dead?! She’s pregnant!

Isn’t she?

...I’m laughing...I’m crying…

No, no, no, NO, NO!

...Sherlock...is dying…

John...I don’t...want...to die...

I gasp for air like a drowning man. John is next to me, desperately trying to plug the wound with his violently trembling fingers. It isn’t working.

I’m dying, Mary killed me, I know it. I’m bleeding out and he can’t stop it. I can only hope that someone can stop Mary before she kills John…

“Sherlock? Sherlock, stay with me. I’ve called an ambulance, just...please…” His voice breaks and I see tears spilling from the corners of his eyes. “Stay with me. Keep breathing...I can’t...not again…”

Mary...where is Mary…?

“M...Mary…” I breathe, my chest burning from the sheer effort. My eyes nearly roll back in my head.

“Mary’s okay, she’s at the flat.” He lets out a laugh that sounds more like a choked sob. “Now’s the time you want to think of my fiancée?”

No...he doesn’t understand...John, please…

“M-Mary…” I try again, weaker than before. “M-Mary...k-killed…”

“No, Sherlock…” John’s mouth is pressed tightly in a thin line. His hands are shaking violently, especially the left one, I realise almost drunkenly. “Mary’s alive. Don’t worry, just...Christ! Please, don’t go to sleep…”

Suddenly, I can’t die. I’m reminded of what I asked John the very first day we met. The drug bust. The murder. Everything.

“If you were dying, if you’d been murdered...in your very last few seconds, what would you say?”

“‘Please, God, let me live.’”

“Oh, use your imagination!”

“I don’t have to.”

I’m flatlining. If there is a God, They’re not listening.

Murder. Murder. Murder.

A steady pulse. Wasted time.

I am going to die.

Things are getting so dim...dull...boring...

Not before I...save John. Please...I have to...stop Mary…

I can vaguely feel something- someone?- shaking me, but it feels like a numb rattle, something I’m witnessing rather than feeling firsthand. “Sherlock? Sherlock, no, stay with me!’

My body doesn’t want to work anymore. I can’t trust transportation. I never could. John…he laughed when I had to take the Tube instead of a cab…

Please…

“SHERLOCK!”

John’s there...but he’s not…

“Please, PLEASE!”

It’s warm, but I’m cold…

“I CAN’T LOSE YOU AGAIN!”

My heart beats for you…

“Sherlock, you can’t...Please...stop this…”

...soon...it will beat...no longer…

“Stop it!”

Somehow, I thought dying would hurt more. It feels more like a gentle haze, sliding into a calming and endless sleep. Inviting, almost. I feel my eyes involuntarily slipping shut. I’m so exhausted.

Just a few minutes…a few minutes wouldn’t hurt, right…?

Everything is fairly dark, but that’s certainly expected. Perhaps Death has finally caught up to me. I couldn’t run forever, just like the...merchant…

Samarra…

Mycroft was wrong. This doesn’t hurt.

...Only everyone else…

They can wait. I just need a few minutes of rest.

“Sherlock...Sherlock…”

What’s Mary doing here…?

“I’m in your head, Sherlock,” Mary whispers, her voice a low hum, a grim smile on her unusually serene face. She’s in her wedding dress, but she looks...dangerous. A gun is in her normally gentle hands. She seems so focused…intense in a way I could never have imagined…

Veiled intentions…

“I am going to kill John Watson,” she says calmly. “You need to stop dying before I shoot him.”

I...can’t…

Mary looks oddly disappointed. “He loves you, you know? Probably more than me, if we’re being honest. I never did like competition. It’s a shame...I really liked you, Sherlock. You were so fun, and so, so smart.” She raises her gun with a deep sigh and points it directly at my heart.

Mary...don’t…

“Just a bullet,” she murmurs sweetly, “and then we’ll be all clear. No more John…”

My body is failing. It has to be. I’m choking. I’m in anguish. There’s something in my throat, strangling me, stealing my air, and I can’t breathe-

Mary pulls the trigger with a self-assured chuckle. It hurts significantly more than it did before...like a powerful electric shock coursing through my body- It feels like my brain is crumbling around me, as though my very soul is convulsing in agony.

“I owe you a fall, Sherlock…”

“Clear!”

“I...owe...you.”

“Clear!”

I need to save John Watson.

The monitor beeps loudly. I can breathe again. Mary still looks disappointed, but she’s rapidly fading, fading far from my line of sight. I see faces, worried, pressing down firmly on my wounded chest, telling me I’m lucky to be alive. That it’s all right.

It’s not.

“John…” I say hoarsely, wishing he were beside me. I don’t want to be alone.

Once the shock subsides, my eyes slide shut and the wail of the ambulance vanishes, along with all of my worries…

~

Act Two linked below:

https://benaddicted-linfanuel.tumblr.com/post/656968775195934720/three-acts

#bbc #sherlock holmes #john watson #sherlock #jim moriarty #johnlock #post reichenbach #the fall #fanfic #sherlock fanfic #mary morstan #Mary isn’t a good guy #assassin Mary

[vagrantblvrd]

Okay, so I can’t stop thinking about the AU where Jaskier somehow ends up working in a Geek Squad-esque department and has to deal with these witchers who bring in mangled/otherwise destroyed phones and the whatnot AU?

Like, the witchers aren’t completely technologically impaired right because the thing about living through who knows how many innovations and whatnot over the years but they really don’t make stuff the way they used to.

(Jaskier maybe sit through a semi-rant on the subject a time or two while processing whatnot for the witchers who have brought him yet another mangled bit of tech orth a fair bit of money and did he know they used to make them of sturdier stuff???)

Anyway.

Geralt is Geralt, all hm’s and hm’s and usually :( although there have been moments of >:( and an especially rare :| which is the closest to the teeny tiny smile Jaskier gets on a good day or when he says something that amuses Geralt enough to visibly show it. (An actual :) is something to be treasured for days afterward and gets Jaskier gentle ribbing from his co-workers because his relationship with the witchers and Geralt in particular is high entertainment for them, but yes.)

Lambert is a delightful asshole who came in all >:(((((((((( after Geralt mentioned there was a new face in the Geek Squad-esque group, one who got him a new phone in spite of the most recently mangled one being out of warranty and suchlike. Didn’t even ask why it smelled of swamp water and may or may not have had bits of swamp...gunk in its insides and anyway.

Jaskier clearly made an impression on Geralt and he’s like but why, though, and comes in intending to be That Customer - and indeed is through the entire ordeal.

Makes Jaskier go over the fine print in the warranty and whatnot when he brings in some horribly mangled bit of shiny tech - a tablet or some such that clearly cannot be saved and is just barely under warranty. A day later and he’d be out of luck, right?

And while it’s covered by the warranty it’s also just old enough the store doesn’t carry it anymore - been discontinued or whatever - which should be fine, right? Jaskier can set Lambert up with the newest model or other equivalent and everything should be fine, but no, no.

Lambert gets this glint in his eye and is like, oh, I’m not going to make things that easy for you, buddy, and goes off on this...whatever about how he liked the version he had - doesn’t want or need the added features on the new one even though they actually are pretty nice, just because he can.

And of course he came in on one of the days Jaskier’s usual supervisor is off and the one who’s had it out for Jaskier since day one is working. Positive Jaskier has done nothing to deserve being moved from overnight stocker to Geek Squad-esque team member and looking for the smallest reason to get him fired. (Or at least kicked back to overnight stocker and then fired for some other reason no one can call them on.)

This supervisor who is hovering, just waiting for Jaskier’s Retail Voice and whatnot to slip so they can pounce and Lambert might not know the details about it all, but it’s pretty damn obvious the supervisor doesn’t like Jaskier.

So he’s like, “Okay, but...” whenever Jaskier brings up a new avenue of convincing the asshole to just say he’ll take the new tablet and gtfo already, pls you asshole, pleasant smile on his face and gritting his teeth the whole time.

Just as the supervisor has had enough of watching Jaskier dealing with this stubborn customer and clearly failing to meet their needs, Lambert is like “Well, I really did like my old tablet, but I suppose this one you’ve been trying to sell me on for nearly half an hour will be adequate, probably,” like Jaskier’s got him at gunpoint or something.

Jaskier is like oh, excellent, sir, what a wonderful choice sir, you are totally my favorite customer sir!!!! :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD while also being like >:(((((((((((((((((( to Lamert’s clear amusement and whatnot.

After the deal is done and the bastard’s on his way out, Jaskier is like !!! when he sees Lambert stop in front of the assole!supervisor sure he’s going to complain about Jaskier. To his surprise though, Lambert’s just, all “Oh, he was so helpful! Answered all my questions!” and so on and both Jaskier and the asshole!supervisor are taken aback because that was not what they were expecting?

And then Lambert’s like “I only want to deal with him when I come in here,” to which Jaskier is ah, okay because he gets Lambert’s game now, and the supervisor is just okay, well, I have no control over that unless you come in on days he’s working, but you can bet I’mm make sure it happens if you do, haha.

Which more or less seals Jaskier’s fate on that angle, and absolutely what Lambert intended, and anyway, asshole.

Later on, after they’ve had enough such encounters that Lambert isn’t suspicious of this oddly helpful person at the store where they buy most of their consumer electronics he’s like, >:DDDDDDDDDDDDDD when he comes in nd Jaskier’s like >:(((((((((((((((((((( if you really wanted to help me out here with the asshole!supervisor you’d buy an extended warranty or whatever and Lambert rolls his eyes and scoffs because those are scams and he’s not an idiot, and anyway, he knows Jaskier doesn’ really want to shank him out back behind the store with a rusty knife the way he threatened one time because Lambert is a delight, okay, an utter delight.

Jaskier side-eyes him so hard for that and is like, oh????? So then Lambert won’t mind meeting him out back on his break? Asking for a friend, you know, no other reason. Strangely, Lambert does not.

(Mostly because of that time Geralt fondly told the others about Jaskier shanking a monster out back by the store’s loading dock when Geralt was a little bit bleeding out and in a bad spot and anyway, yeah, no, thanks, Lambert wasn’t born yesterday okay.)

But you know who is an actual delight that Jaskier loves to see come into the store?

Aside from Geralt???

Eskel.

The man is sweet and polite and holds actual conversations (not a slight against Geralt by any means, it’s just. Sometimes it’s nice to talk to someone at work who isn’t a coworker or a horrible customer and so on) and otherwise doesn’t give Jaskier headaches.

(Though there was the one night after closing and rare time when the store would be clsoed the next day for a holiday or whatever so no night crew coming in. Jaskier was trying to get his car to start when Eskel showed up all bloody and half-dead and Jaskier was closest. Also his phone was broken and no way to contact Geralt or anyone else and how was Jaskier at first aid, asking for a friend and all.)

Anyway.

Jaskier’s favorite encounter with Eskel at work is when he calls Jaskier asking if he can help with a tech issue. Mangled laptop and files he wants to get off the harddrive you know, but ~sensitive file that have to do with the witchers and their work.

They all pretend Jaskier knows absolutely nothing about any of it, even though he’s patched all of them up at some point or they’ve saved his life from some monster or other and there really shouldn’t be any pretense about it all?

AND YET.

It’s one of those days where work is slow and the other Geek Squad-esque people are out on house calls and won’t be back for a few hours or called out sick or whatever.

And this, okay, this is something Jaskier convinced one of them to teach him or he taught himself through Google and YouTube and anyway, he can do the file transfer magic stuff for Eskel, no problem.

Tells him as such and to come by before anyone gets back from the calls so he can handle it himself without anyone looking on and all, so he does, right?

Jaskier lets Eskel in the back room with him while he works, and they have a nice little chat and catch up on what’s new in their lives and all that.

Jaskier is like oh, ew, gross because some of the files he salvages for Eskel are photo documentations of past hunts - for science!!1! - but also ooh, what was that hunt like???

(Accidentally clicks on some or some other reason for him seeing what the files are or just file names and anyway, shhhh, let me have this.)

Because curiosity and also songs and Geralt enjoys being difficult on purpose and Jaskier’s never sure how much Lambert tells him is complete bullshit, and anyway. Eskel’s the nice one. Usually.

Also, though, also.

There are so many photos of Geralt and Lambert, Vesemir and Ciri and certain sorceresses and suchlike, and it’s adorable and sweet and wholly expected?

BUT.

To Jaskier’s forever joy and delight there are at least two entire album’s worth of freaking goat pictures.

(Well, okay, goat and horse and whatever other animals these withcers have in their lives and so on.)

It’s adorable as hell and Jaskier makes these little squeaky noises of pure awww at the sight of them, okay, because Lil Bleater and whatever little terrors Eskel has known and clearly adores.

He’s like staring straight ahead and all everything’s fine and normal and whatnot while Jaskier is like omg and she’s so cute and omg Eskel, omg.)

Withcers may not be able to blush or whatever, but you can sure as hell bet he would have been blushing up a damned storm if he could and Jaskier also knows that and is just.

Charmed, okay, he is utterly charmed by this big soft dork and swears he won’t tell anyone even though the people who matter obviously know as well, and anyway, anyway, he gets this soft little smile for it and his heart is like oh, oh no, because Jaskier’s kind of gone on these idiot witchers okay.

(After the discovery of the goat pictures Eskel starts sending new ones to Jaskier who always gets that look people get when presented with adorable pictures of animals and this warm squishy feeling because oh, oh no, indeed and anyway, yes, because idk what pairings/ships i even want this to be anymore but just soft feelings all over the place even with Lambert, the bastard. XD)

#witcher nonsense #technically not a fic #vagrant fic #jaskier's adventures in retail au #long post #¯\_(ツ)_/¯ #the witcher #pairings? ships? idk anymore friends pick your own i guess??? #geralt x jaskier #eskel x jaskier #mayyybe lambert x jaskier #all of the above??? #idk anymore #all jaskier knows is everyone thinks he's the wither whisperer #and he's like lolol omg no #they're all assholes #of varying degrees on different days #eskel's the least assholish one #usually #and lambert's an asshole all day every day #but yeah no #he's fully lost control of his life #and they're to blame for it #he has no idea what to expect when vesesmir comes in #but all he does is take one look at this poor bastard who has to deal with his idiot kids #and is like #would you like to know how to keep them from running roughshod over you? #to which jaskier is like dear god yes #so jaskier has running appointment for brunch with vesemir and other assorted asshole wranglers every weekend #it's lovely

[thefanficmonster]

Kick Some Ghost Ass

”Until Dawn Gang x Reader (Gender Neutral)

Warnings: Swearing, Sex jokes (excuse my bad humor)

Genre: CRACK, Humor

Summary: It’s one thing when trouble finds this gang, but why don’t we take a look at what happens when they go actively looking for trouble. Needless to say, chaos ensues and no one is spared. Some are more affected than others, and some are dead-ass traumatized, but isn’t that just how life is in general?

Requested by my dearest ever - Until Dawn Anon. Hi lovely! I’ve missed writing your requests and I’m really happy to be back, creating another chaotic fic! I’m sorry it has taken me so long to post it but here it finally is - crazy as ever! I hope you enjoy it! Love you to Blackwood Pines and back baby ❤❤❤

I don’t know how I’ve found myself in this situation but I’m not complaining. If I get to do dumb crazy shenanigans with my crew, I’m ready for just about anything. Not to mention I’m no stranger to ghost hunting. I’m that kid that made DIY Ouija boards and took them to cemeteries with their terrified friends. You should’ve seen us leaving after capturing no ghostly activity - my friends relieved as fuck, and me pissed as fuck.

But today, I’m not expecting nor will I be accepting any disappointment. Especially not with Jess swearing on her Chanel purse that she wasn’t making things up when she said she had a haunted house she wanted us to visit. I must say, I appreciate this group’s enthusiasm when it comes to the paranormal. Never have I had someone who catches my vibe on the subject so well, let alone an entire gang all sharing the same opinion as me - that ghosts, demons and poltergeists are so fucking cool. Sure, Emily took a bit of convincing and Jess is not one to give a shit about the other world creatures invisible to the human eye, but something allegedly happened that changed her mind.

Her a-hundred-and-something-year-old great-grandmother passed away recently and though the death itself didn’t shake Jess up as much as it probably should’ve, the events that followed led to this moment right now - the eleven of us pooling out of two minivans that have pulled up to a terrifying looking house in a wooded are of the suburbs. Jess literally gathered us all on an ‘emergency meeting’ in the courtyard of our college just so she could explain the situation in detail - she doesn’t do well with explaining things in general, let alone when she’s hysterical - so we only understood what she was trying to say when she mentioned the word ‘ghost’. That’s when we all started listening more closely, with the exception of Emily, Beth and Sam but the latter two were intrigued despite trying yo hide it. You can only imagine how excited Josh, Chris and I were, Mike and Matt following a close second behind. Ash was a tiny bit more hesitant but Chris convinced her to give in. And just like that, a week later, here we are.

“I gotta ask, did your great-gran own a VHS player? Or a chest in the attic? Bonus points if there’s a creepy, child-sized doll in there.“ Josh asks as he yanks all the equipment he insisted we bring out of the trunk of the minivan.

“Quit fucking around, Josh! This is serious!“ Jess complains from the spot she’s standing in, shivering in the cold autumn breeze.

“Yeah, Josh! VHS players, creepy dolls, that’s all child’s play.“ I scold him as I pull on my jacket, wrapping it around me more tightly, “Shit gets serious when there’s a secret basement.“

“Y/N!“ Jess shrieks in exasperation. Honesty, how am I supposed to NOT bother her when doing the opposite is so much easier and brings more amusement? “You’re not helping!“

“Wasn’t trying to.“ I wink at her, driving her into a new level of fury that almost leads her to chuck her phone at me. If it weren’t such a prized possession of hers, I’m pretty sure she would’ve chucked it with the intention of knocking me dead. I’m lucky she has the aim of a drunk toddler that spun around fifteen times.

“Hey, quit pissing my girlfriend off, will ya?!“ Mike, who is basically halfway inside the trunk of the other van calls out to us.

I roll my eyes but choose to let it slide. However, someone else doesn’t. Emily does a dramatic turn on her heel, turning to face Mike, or at least the only part of him which is visible. You can imagine how hard it is arguing with an ass like THAT. I don’t know how Emily does it but oh well, I guess I do it too, in a way.

“So it’s girlfriend now, huh? No space between the words?“ Oh that smile she’s flashing him, it could make the Devil himself shiver. I find it kinda hot though - it means shit’s about to go down or hit the fan, either way, the rest of us will be entertained.

Mikey boy straightens up, gracing the rest of us by-standers with his dazzling features. Nah, I’m capping. I honestly think Mike is as attractive as I am patient - very little, almost not at all. It’s surprising how him and Jess are now apparently together since I always pegged her to be the superficial type.

“Got a problem with that, Em?“ He asks, eyebrow raising, head tilting to the side. Oh yeah, it’s on now. But, as someone who’s been quite excited to do some ghost hunting, and also as a representative of the peanut gallery formed of the rest of us who find it amusing and annoying, I feel the need to cut it short before it goes where it shouldn’t. I came to see some exorcist shit, not Keeping Up With The Bitter Exs.

“Jess, I sure hope your grandma is a blood-thirsty ghost cause I can think of at least two people I’d serve to her on a silver platter.“ I snatch the keys the blond has been jingling nervously between her fingers and jog up the stairs to the front door.

Ok I maybe overexaggerated the eeriness of the house. It sure wouldn’t sit right with you if you saw it around sunset or at night, especially not if it’s foggy, but a horror movie house it is most certainly isn’t. It’s pristine and well kept, not a single crack in the walls, the only reason it’s unsettling is because: 1) We’ve all seen a few too many horror movies; 2) There’s been reports of ‘ghostly activity’ - as far as Jess is to be trusted.

While I’m surfing through all the keys, checking each and every single one of them on the door because the real key is unmarked, I can’t help but overhear the conversation going on behind me on the porch.

“Can you believe we got all this in a single day and for a discount on top of all?! Whoever says Craigslist sucks isn’t doing it right.“ Chris’ enthusiasm over the deal him and Josh got on the ghost hunting equipment has been what’s keeping a wide grin on his face this whole time. Though I’m proud of my boys for not getting murdered by the Craigslist seller, I must say I hate that I lost the bet we had - I had to pay them each ten bucks if they didn’t get scammed/kidnapped/murdered and I’m now twenty bucks poorer. I’m not saying I value those twenty bucks more than my friends, though my broke ass needs all the bucks it has and all the dollar bills it could get, but Lord knows I hate losing.

“Yeah, and the guy was only mildly sketchy.“ Josh adds just as excitedly and proudly, “To be honest, Cochise and I were probably the scary looking ones in that parking lot.“

A look over my shoulder shows the twins, Sam, Matt and Ash giving the duo skeptical and somewhat disappointing looks and shakes of their heads. I’ll admit, the equipment is in very good condition and it’s the complete set for ghost-hunting, according to BuzzFeed at least. I’m impressed with the purchase - probably had something to do with how scary Chris and Josh actually look. The all-nighters we’ve all been pulling lately have taken a toll on them worst with the dark circles and bags under their hollow eyes, pale faces and brains turned to mush. I know I’d give them a discount to avoid them pulling out meat cleavers on me.

“That’s all fine and dandy guys, but do you know how to work any of this?“ Sam asks, hesitantly lifting the EMF reader and turning it in her hand, analyzing it with a curious gaze. 

Josh and Chris exchange a look before the former replies, “Just the cameras and voice recorder, the rest falls on them.” He points a finger at me and laughs, “Though they aren’t able to work something as simple as keys, they are more than qualified to be a ghostbuster.”

“You know, Josh, jokes on you, I can work keys! Jess, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to be able to work well with organizing things, hence my problem with these keys.“ I hurl the bunch of keys connected my a scarlet keychain at Josh, “Lemme demonstrate my true skills.“ I hop down the flight of stone stairs and approach the pile of equipment the guys have created smack-dab in the middle of the house’s driveway. 

“Oh, I gotta see this!” Mr. Ex-Class-President all but runs over, frowning when we all turn to look at him just as I pick up the spirit box to show off how it works, “Oh that’s what you meant. So you aren’t taking your clothes off?“

Jess and I are alike in one thing - the need we feel to chuck objects at people who piss us off. “You’re girlfriend is, like, right behind you, Munroe. Have some decency!”

“I was gonna enjoy a show as well, but I’m guessing we won’t be getting one.“ The girlfriend in question replies, looking at me quizzically as though that’s gonna convince me into discarding my outfit.

“No, unless you’re a ghost.“ I point the device I’m holding at Mike, “But if your boyfriend here keeps acting up I might turn him into one.“

“That sounds kinda kinky.“ Beth’s comment surprises me. The wink she sends me even more so. “And I kinda like it.“

Ok, ok, ok, hold on. 

Flirting with Munroe is one thing, but Beth is a completely different story. I can be threatening Mike with a knife one moment and cracking sex jokes with him over cold beer the next. While Beth actually has the ability to get me flustered and blushing, and my close relationship with her brother doesn’t help. Mother fucker can just whack me upside the head every time he catches me fussing over my silly crush on his sister.

“Ew, you too! Keep it in your pants or at least get a room.“ Emily doesn’t miss a beat when it comes to being herself. She’s truly a garbage bin full of treasure.

“We’d do the latter if SOMEONE could get the door open.” I glare daggers at Josh who is making hopeless attempts at what I was doing earlier - unlocking that damn door.

“I’d be more than happy to come through for you ladies.“ Mike says, getting in a stance of a runner before a race, his body directly opposite the door.

Oh I can’t wait to see where this is going. I SHOULD RECORD IT.

“Mike, it’s still breaking and entering and it’s still against the law even if the person’s dead.“ Sam points out, entering her mother-like mode, ruining the fun and causing me to pout at her. She gives me a look of disappointment - one worse than I’ve ever seen on my parents - so I just shut my trap before she can also express said disappointment through words and have me feeling guilty for the rest of the day.

A loud crash suddenly echoes causing us to turn our heads to look for the source of the terrifyingly startling sound. One glance is all it takes to put our minds at ease and a second one is enough to provoke different reactions in all of us - the broken window telling the story of where Josh has disappeared.

“What did I just say about breaking and entering?!“ Sam shouts after him while the vast majority of us are cracking up like hyaenas. Jess is just gaping at the broken window next to the front door in disbelief. She obviously can’t decide whether to join in on the fun or serve as back-up to Sam. Josh did technically damage private property that’s partially hers, but if you ask me it serves her right for not marking her keys.

“Sorry, I was too busy breaking the window to hear that part of the conversation!“ Josh’s apologetic smile appears on the other side of glassless frame. I can’t tell if he’s genuinely sorry or holding back laughter but either way, he looks innocent enough for Sam to let him off the hook as long as he doesn’t cause any more trouble - in which case: tough luck. Chris, Josh and I are nothing if not troublemakers, especially when we’re together. Chris tones it down when Ash’s around, and the same goes for Josh with Sam while I’m simply problematic regardless of who’s watching. My chaos is untamable, it’s a blessing and a curse and I love it, even though it’s landed me in hot water more than once. It’s nice to be around people on the same wavelength - chaos resides within this group and not a single one of us can hide it.

“At least we have a way in now.“ Ash offers Josh a helping hand in this argument after she recovers from the overwhelming fit of laughter. “I hope the broken window doesn’t anger your gran, Jess.“

The blond snaps out of her trance briefly, “No, she was a very sweet lady, but damn is Josh creative!” She hurries to correct herself, “Destructively creative.”

I hurry to correct her once again, “Chaotically creative.”

“Guys, do you mind coming in? It’s very creepy standing here alone!“ Josh calls out to us, looking over his shoulder at the interior of the house, “I’m expecting to be snatched and dragged to that secret basement we mentioned.“

“Mention it one more time and I swear to God-!“ Jess screams, fists tightened.

Before her angry wrath could crash atop us, we all make our way into the house through the broken window, carefully avoiding the shards of glass strewn about. One step inside and we’re met with the upmost of horror clichés - a drop in temperature. We’re all wearing thick hoodies because the weather outside is chilly in and of itself, but said hoodies aren’t as efficient at holding the house’s cold at bay and away from out skin.

Chris and Matt make their way in last, carrying the equipment consisting of three cameras, flashlights for everyone, an EMF reader, a spirit voice box, a voice recorder and a motion detector. I help them hand a light to each group member as well as a ghost-hunting device before we venture onward.

“If I were your grandma’s ghost, I’d be ten times more pissed about that window. It looks to me like that lady payed a lot of attention to keeping things in order.“ Matt comments while he examines the expensive looking painting hanging in the hallway.

I hear Emily scoff, “Unlike some.” but the remark is said so quickly and quietly I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who heard it.

Jess laughs, “She did like things in order, but she was never as strict as you might think. As I said, she was very sweet.“

“So do you just not take after her at all or were you adopted?“ Emily’s remarks are no longer a mumbled jumble of words, “No, nevermind, of course you’re not adopted. Your parents are smart people, they wouldn’t have chosen you if they had the chance.“

Jess laughs again, much more menacingly this time, causing me to exchange a look with Hannah who’s walking beside me. “Twenty bucks says one of them isn’t making it out of here.” It’s just a matter of time, to be honest. If not the lodge, or any party we’ve ever attended as a group, this haunted house is the perfect opportunity for a murder. We could even argue it was a ghost.

Luckily, the two cats clawing at each other’s throats don’t overhear, “No, my parents aren’t stupid, but your boyfriend clearly is. He chooses to date you! Or are you holding him captive or something.“

Ok that’s enough. I can tolerate a lot of things, but people calling one of my best friends stupid is not something I’m about to put up with, “How dare you call one of my hoes stupid?” I sneer at Jess, eyes narrowing.

“I thought I was your hoe too!“ She fights back, looking almost offended.

“Even more reason you shouldn’t have called him that! I don’t tolerate my hoes not respecting each other.“ 

I don’t get to see where this argument goes because Ashley’s shriek echoes throughout the hallway, stealing mine as well as the attention of everyone else. 

“There’s a ghost in here!“ Making it to the doorway of the room she’s in first, I peak my head inside and see the EMF reader she’s holding going nuts as if it’s detected something.

“Don’t worry, Ash, there’s a dead cactus here. That’s not the ghost we’re looking for, is it?“ Chris, my amazingly bright friend says, quirking an eyebrow suggesting that remark was nothing short of dead-ass serious.

“Chris, darling, that’s not how it works. Cactuses are plants.“ I point out as sweetly as I can as to mask my laughter.

“Don’t the same ghostly rules apply?“ The genuine look of confusion he gives me almost makes me lose it.

“Ok children, leave the room, we need to set up a motion detector to be sure.“ Beth says with a tone that suggests she’s more than over our insanity. Jeez, count on her and Sam to start parenting us through our chaos. They are of high authority, must admit - one genuinely feels bad if they don’t comply to whatever these two girls demand.

We all pile out in the hallway while the twins set up this interesting motion detector with green dots. I don’t know what Jess’ granny looked like, but I bet that even the most unattractive of people would look hella good with this lighting. Thankfully the room is dark enough with the shutters closed and the curtains drawn, allowing the dots to be perfectly visible.

We stare at the minimalistic room littered with fluorescent green dots on every surface for maybe a minute or two but not much happens to the disappointment to some and relief to others. However, as if not wanting to let us down, the ghost makes a shy appearance if the shift of the green dots is anything to go by.

“Oh shit, is that a ghost?“ Chris whispers, sounding as amazed as I feel in this moment.

“It better be.“ I mutter in response, refusing to blink and risk missing anything important.

The sudden presence of the obnoxious noise of the spirit voice box makes us all jump. As I turn my head to glare at whoever’s using it, Josh speaks up. “Are you an attractive ghost?”

“Josh, that’s my great-grandmother, you ass!“ Jess barks with disgust in her voice.

In the meantime, I catch glimpse of Mike rolling up his sleeves. Oh shit, this ain’t good.

“I’ve been waiting for this!“ He shouts victoriously, cracking his knuckles.

Knowing this won’t end well, the first thing I do is snatch the camera from Chris’ hands and turn it on.

“Um, Mike, what do you mean?“ Sam’s back to being concerned, turning to the rest of us when Mike doesn’t give her a response, “What’s he gonna do?“

“Fight it.“ I answer as though it’s the most normal thing to ever have been done, “Or, ash he calls it - kick some ghost ass.“

“A freaking ghost?! He’s gonna try to tussle with something he can’t see?“ I can’t tell if Matt’s tone is disbelief, amusement or disappointment, but I believe he isn’t about to try and stop or dear ex-president in his pursuit and that’s all that matters. I ain’t about to let someone stop whatever’s about to go down from going down.

“That’s still my great-grandmother, you dumbass!“ Jess shrieks with something alike terror.

“Don’t worry Jess, I’m sure she’ll go easy on him.“ I say in an attempt to reassure her but I can’t even be bothered really, I’m too laser-focused on the circus that’s about to take place in front of me.

Mike, as if encouraged by my words, charges into the room. Much to his dismay, before he could even reach the ghost, he’s met with a much more vigorous enemy - the carpet. The rascal trips him up and Mr. Munroe falls flat on his face.

The group stays silent, looking at the glorious aftermath of the glorious fall. Told ya these lights could make everything fabulous. Must say, it’s truly an honor for me to have been able to catch all that on tape.

“10/10, would ghost-hunt with Mikey Munroe again.“

#until dawn #until #dawn #the dark pictures #the dark pictures little hope #the dark pictures man of medan #the dark pictures anthology #the dark pictures house of ashes #dark pictures little hope #dark pictures anthology #little hope #man of medan #supermassive #supermassive games #video games #video game fanfic #mike #sam #chris #josh #jessica #ashley #matt #emily #sam giddings #josh washington #chris hartley #ashley brown #mike munroe #jessica riley

[angelicamerlinbarnes]

TUA PIRATE AU

(of the Caribbean? Sort of? I guess?)

(please understand that by AU, I mean they share an incredibly small amount of things in common with the original source material which I barely remember BUT the “story” takes place in the setting of the books/films) (not to be misleading or anything :p)

(BEWARE: abuse, murder, pirates and all of their violent shenanigans, etc.)

(If you can handle watching Umbrella Academy, this will be fine for you.)

Luther is the captain of the guard, and pirates are the bane of his existence. He hates Diego most of all, the man who’s stolen unspeakable amounts of gold from Reginald, Luther’s employer. But as annoyed he is at all of the theft, he purposefully never catches Diego, because he knows Klaus loves him. And Luther may be a man of the law, but he’s also Klaus’ beloved brother-in-spirit, even if Reginald wants them to marry each other for some idiotic reason. (Something about getting Klaus to settle down - ha, he can try.) When Klaus disappears, Luther follows him, having no connections left here - and that’s when he meets Allison. And there are copious laws against getting involved with married women and outlaws alike… so Luther starts to think that maybe bending the rules wouldn’t be so bad. (Klaus is so proud.)

Diego grew up poor, and became a pirate in his early teens when Grace took him in. When she fled the colony, Diego went with her, leaving his childhood best friend Klaus behind. He’s got his own fleet and crew now, and mostly uses his scores as excuses to flirt with Klaus, who’s still just as drawn to him after all these years and often sneaks him into his bedroom when Diego’s in town. Diego’s kept in close touch with Lila and Eudora, both of whom he grew up with once Grace took him away, and they both help him when it comes time for him to crash Klaus’ wedding to Luther (fuck you dude) and steal Klaus away for a life at sea. (Klaus absolutely LOVES this. They kiss a lot. They swing from ropes. Klaus is screaming at all the guards as Diego carries him away bridal-style (ha, I’m so funny). It is delightful.) (His ship is a terror they call The Kraken. Ha, get it? Get it - because Diego’s name - and the monster from legend - okay yeah I’ll shut up now.)

Allison is a badass goddess, covered in colorful tattoos with gold in her hair. She was a prostitute for awhile, stealing a bunch along the way, but one day one of the pirate captains who approached her tried to take more than he paid for. She broke both his hands and killed him in cold blood, then defeated his entire crew in a sword fight single-handedly, earning their respect. She now rides with that same crew as their captain, in one of those off-the-shoulder poet-blouse-corset dresses and high brown boots. Ray is a leutinant who’s been chasing her for years, the two of them flirting back and forth forever… but he’ll never catch her. It’s bad form to arrest your wife.

Klaus is the governor’s bastard son, a totally wild spirit who wears dresses all the time, drinks his weight at parties, and has slept with half the town (marriage is not a problem for him, this is Klaus, we all know he is very down for threesomes). He’s stolen half of Reginald’s shit for Diego over the years, and has been sneaking off to see him just as long, completely in love with his pirate king. Though he’s loved others before - Dave, for example, a soldier whose death broke Klaus into give in to Reginald’s plan to marry him off to Luther (who Klaus loves, just, Not Like That™). The day Diego kidnaps him from his own wedding is the best fucking day of his life - okay, no it wasn’t. That was second best. The best day of his life was the day he and Diego watched Diego’s ship and treasure burn and sink into the sea, and Klaus asked him if he was alright, and Diego just shrugged. Said, You’re the only treasure I need, and kissed him like the world was ending. Yeah. That was the best day of his life, because Diego is the best anything in his life.

Five was a pirate queen until he transitioned a few years ago, though only by word of mouth. No one’s ever seen him. Anyone who works for him doesn’t make it a month outside of the job, usually by his own hands, but people keep coming because nobody knows who he is. He sails alone, though he offers Klaus refuge on his boat for a few days under the moniker Aidan, because he knows Diego loves him, and Five actually respects Diego (if only because he respects Lila who he only respects because he respects Eudora). He hates the Handler for leaving him stranded on an island when he was just a child, an unwanted product of her crew’s hard partying, and has vowed to kill her one day for leaving him alone for so long, ageless in misery. He talks to the mermaid on the front of his ship named Dolores and kills without mercy, and when he finally reveals himself as this skinny pale thirteen-year-old with the grandpa haircut, he revels in the looks on his family’s faces as they try to rebuild their blown brain circuits.

Ben loves Klaus more than life itself, which is, in hindsight, probably why he’s dead. Oh who is he kidding, it’s definitely why he’s dead. Klaus is sort of, kind of, maybe, just a little bit a witch, and they hang witches where they’re from. So when they needed someone to blame for the odd happenings Klaus had caused recently, Ben had taken the blame and worn the noose proudly. Klaus still talks to him all the time, his ghost anyway, and it’s fine - but Klaus lives on the sea now, with Diego, and Ben gets seasick like all the time. (And then he steals Davy Jones’ heart and gets trapped as a tentacle monster, which is honestly not that bad. It helps him scare birds, and Ben likes scaring birds.)

Vanya works as the blacksmith’s apprentice, sad and lonely. She’s been having an affair with the duchess Sissy for years, also working as her maid and a nanny for her son Harlan when asked, but mostly she’s alone, with no one else to care for in the world. (And that creep officer Leonard keeps asking her to marry him, which, just. Ew.) When Five shows up, his hands in his pockets, and offers her a way out, well - what else could she possibly do?

Lila is a badass pirate princess who don’t take no shit from anybody. She wears bright pink ballgowns while skewering people like kabobs, which is funny because she’s a well-known maneater. Literally. (Yes I included a Hannibal character in here because it’s my AU and I can do whatever the fuck I want.) She fell in love with Eudora, and thought she had corrupted the kind sergeant until she found out Eudora had been an undercover pirate the whole time, helping Diego smuggle Reginald’s gold and goods in and out of port. (That’s hot as fucking hell, she blurts when she realizes. Fuck, I’m gonna marry this woman.) She has a serious rum problem she will not be addressing and a collection of pet parrots that will forever prevent her and Ben from becoming friends. When she and Eudora get married, it’s in the middle of the pouring rain while thunder and lightning and gunshots crack around them and they’re killing people and shooting canons left and right (because I may not have shipped Will and Elizabeth but by god if their wedding wasn’t the best fucking thing I’ve ever seen). Now if only she could find the king of the pirates… she’s been hunting Five for years, hoping to prove herself to him, but he just… won’t show up.

Eudora is the sergeant in Reginald’s legions, and has been using her position to help Diego pirate goods since before he even left with Grace. She makes a lot of deals with him, having him carry her cargo and speak with her connections in exchange for her keeping an eye on Klaus for him, which to be honest they both know she’d do anyway. She helped Diego get to Klaus’ wedding and kidnap him, confusing the soldiers in pursuit of the bride, and follows them off to sea, finally home. She feels she owes an eternal debt to Klaus for not being able to save Ben from execution, though she tried, almost desperately. She flirts with Lila all the damn time, and believes in magic, wanting to travel the world looking for it. Most importantly, you should know that she will and has killed for a cheeseburger. (I know they weren’t invented yet shut up.)

Reginald is the governor of the colony, and Klaus’ father. He’s an asshole, one who constantly hunts the pirates because his wife Grace left him to be one. He only has one eye because Grace cut the other out viciously in their last fight, and he’s an abusive piece of shit who lives to terrorize and tax people. Pogo is his assistant / advisor / let-me-stand-here-and-give-you-good-advice-that-we-all-know-you’ll-ignore person. Reginald refuses to die before he catches Grace and sees her hanging in the square - something that seems more and more likely by the day. (HA, Grace says. He wishes.)

Grace is the original pirate queen, and lives in legend. She faked her death after living a double life for years, leaving Reginald and taking her son Diego with her. She knows Reginald doesn’t believe in her death, because she cut his eye out and nearly killed him right before she left, but everyone else believes it. She jumped from the bell tower and Klaus himself “went mad with grief” at the sight of her body, though he of course knows she’s alive and keeps up the story for her benefit. She injured Reginald so severely because he killed Ben, knowing that he wasn’t guilty, and that the witch in question had done nothing wrong anyway. She is known to be fiercely protective of her children, and kind in nature despite her ability to kill you using a historic number of methods. Her crew is made up of refugees who she offered shelter and a better life in exchange for their servitude, including Five, for awhile, who was running a scam. She knows who he is, and remembers his face well - but she keeps it to herself. Though she could match him in a fight easily, she has no interest in battling the boy she has grown to love as a son. (She’s also the one who officiates Diego and Klaus’ wedding, but that’s unrelated.)

The Handler is another pirate queen, and Grace’s greatest rival. She has two pistols at her waist and is not afraid to use them, having such deadly aim that she’s never missed a target - except Diego, which she hates him for. Also for encouraging her first mate and daughter Lila to mutiny, but that’s a whole other can of worms. Her ship is followed by an entire shiver of sharks, who let her use them like water skis whenever she wants. She abandoned Five on an island when he was born into her crew, as she hates children with a burning passion. (There are rumors she eats little boys’ bones. They have yet to be disproven.) Hazel is her snivelling first mate and Cha-Cha is her willing servant and second captain, a master at the wheel and with a sword. Agnes is an old psychic (ha, she’s faking it. She’s got no fuckin’ clue where Five is and will continue to lie whenever asked) she keeps in the brig after kidnapping her years ago, hoping to get a read on Five, who the Handler hates for constantly stealing her goods before they even make it to port. (She has no idea he’s the same boy she left on that island all those years ago - he’s certainly not the only child she’s done that to. But countless are out for her blood… almost every person Grace has rescued was left to die on an island by the Handler.) She eventually dies at Klaus’ hand, who plunges a sword through her heart in defense of his family, who she made the fatal mistake of coming after. (It happened in the same rainy battle where Lila and Eudora were married. He was wearing a yellow ballgown.)

Also Jack Sparrow is super great friends with Lila and he’s married to Will Turner who’s honestly so exhausted but gets along great with Ben and Elizabeth is their ace-aro friend who is a goddamn queen and who Diego has a lowkey crush on and Klaus can geek out with for hours. It’s awesome.

#tua #the umbrella academy #pirates of the caribbean #pirates #because they're fucking awesome and i wanted to write more of them okay??? #kliego #eudorla #ralluther #klaus &x ben #five &x dolores #diego & eudora & lila #vanya x sissy #agnes x hazel & cha-cha #the hargreeves #the hargreeves siblings #luther hargreeves #diego hargreeves #allison hargreeves #klaus hargreeves #five hargreeves #ben hargreeves #vanya hargreeves #reginald hargreeves #grace hargreeves #the handler #lila pitts #eudora patch #oh and everybody else #because apparently there's a limit to tags on tumblr #(how odd)

[thegoodomensdumpster]

ABOUT SHADWELL AND TRACY

OK so. This is probably going to be the meta nobody asked for + the meta that has already existed for 30 years ( I read a bunch of it before the show came out, but I never found one tackling what I’m going to talk about, so chances are it exists but I missed it and now it’ll be impossible to find ). I’ve been wondering, a lot, how exactly the relationship between Tracy and Shadwell was narratively useful. (Especially Shadwell, what is up with Shadwell, really??? Why did he have to be ... the way he is???) Don’t get me wrong : I know perfectly well how nearly everything / everyone in Good Omens mirrors something / someone else. The Four Horsepersons / The Them obviously, a perfect mirror of humanity’s problems (self made be it for Death ) and how to fix them ( with hope, courage, love, and proper education for newest generations who are dealing with passed mistakes… )

And then all the duos echo each other and act as informations about every character . Crowley / Aziraphale Newt / Anathema Tracy / Shadwell So I had the nagging suspicion that Tracy and Shadwell would, perhaps, make more sense to me if I started comparing them to each other and to their counterparts.

After all, that’s how me (and dozens other meta writers) have managed to understand Newt and Anathema.

Newt is reasonable and rationnal, and he is also free and questionning. Anathema has lived a life devoided of surprises, all according to the Great Plan prophecies of a long dead ancestor she can not directly talk to.

Newt and Anathema get together because of the prophecies, but STAY together because they chose to, and Newt is the one to bring that choice to Anathema. Do I need to say which of them echoes Crowley and which of them echoes Aziraphale ? What about Shadwell and Tracy then ?

Welp. Let’s dissect them, shall we ?

Madame Tracy is, arguably, the most formidable character of the lot. OK, I may be a bit bias, I adore the woman. But with good reasons !

Deep down, she’s got one of the – if not the – strongest moral compass of the whole characters cast. She has confidence in her morals and ethics enough to trust a supernatural entity who just invaded her body( after being rightfully offended and scolding him a little ) AND to then go against said entity, an angel of the Lord, when he’s about to do something reprehensible. 

Badass. But on the surface, what is she ? She’s a marginal, a prostitute, a con artist (something that I’m not entirely happy about as I find it morally reprehensible, but it is very likely she pretends to be a medium to be some sort of cheap psychiatrist to people who can’t afford it so… I’ll allow it. But anyway, it is also important that she’s not a parangon of pure unaltered virtue, so this makes sense). She is all the things Shadwell says she is, and in his mouth ( as well as in the eyes of society) they are insults. Worse : she exudes femininity, she is comfortable in her sexuality, she’s a businesswoman, she’s self-sufficent and financially independant (she’s even the one who gives money to Shadwell…). None of this is bad, but most of it is (or, hopefully, was) regarded as bad.

Ok, we got Tracy figured out. Let’s try to understand Shadwell now. Shadwell… Is also a marginal, in a way (he has been to prison, after all, if we include TV Omens canon). But he’s another kind of marginal.

He is not financially independant (again, see : asking money to Tracy, and also, scamming Crowley and Aziraphale for years, which is a way bigger and morally reprehensible con than whatever Tracy is doing with her fake medium act. But tbh, I’m so impressed he scammed not one, but two supernatural entities for funding the same useless organization, I can’t be mad at him. Not for that, I mean.) He isn’t nice, he isn’t polite, he … seems to be everything Tracy isn’t. And, as Tracy is a beacon of light and kindness, it makes sense Shadwell would be a rude blackhole of hatred. But, more than being a lightsucker, Shadwell’s opposition to Tracy makes sense if we shift the way we look at them. Tracy is what society deems morally reprehensible but she isn’t immoral, and more than that, she is very modern. Confident in herself. Taking her fate into her own hands. Turned towards the future.

Meanwhile, Shadwell is entirely turned towards the past, so much so that his traditionnalism is too much by present’s standards, and that is the bit that makes him the most marginal. He wears his sexism and his homophobia as badges of honor, and runs A WITCHFINDER ARMY. A very definitely outdated organization that has for goal : BURNING WITCHES. And gays, too, but mainly witches. This is an activity that was once considered ethical, necessary, ultimately good, but isn’t anymore. Heaven approved of the Witchfinders’ Army on these « morally good » premisses, and Hell approved of it on the cruelty and horror it was actually responsible for. Society has moved on. Shadwell hasn’t. At least in surface . Because, just like Madame Tracy’s activities as a prostitute and self-made woman can raise eyebrows but ultimately don’t define her as a moral person, Shadwell… hnnngh, this is more difficutl to say this about him, but when time comes for him to act on his rotten outdated thrown in our face moral principles, he is actually siding with Tracy. He protects her, he refuses to shoot Adam, he chooses to do what he finds to be morally good, and he and Tracy share the same morals. 

(Also the one time Shadwell thinks he has killed someone he is genuinely shocked, so he is far from being a cold blooded killer. Only when he wants to protect Tracy or prevent Armageddon - and after Aziraphale has shown he isn’t really dead - does he threateningly raise his finger again. ) ((But homophobia and sexism aren’t a good look on him. Or on anyone else, for that matter. It’s not charming. Tracy, why were you charmed ???? WHY ???? ))

And we can only suppose that Tracy, beacon of light that she is, able to see the best even in the scum of the Earth, already knew that Shadwell and her agreed about what was ultimately important. They’ve had, possibly, years of interactions before the plot of GO kicks in, and maybe Shadwell hasn’t been so consistently horrible all this time and showed her a better side ? I hope ??? But, anyway, the thing is : these characters, Tracy and Shadwell, are made to mirror some of the best and worst things coming out of humanity. Tracy being kinda the worst possible carreer and personnal choice for religious bigots, and Shadwell being so deep into bigotry that it made him terrible even by bigots’ standards. Shadwell’s speech would have made him a hero a few centuries ago, now he’s just a lunatic. Tracy would have been burnt at the stake for her life choices. Now she’s… well, not in danger, at the very least, and besides Shadwell, all the GO characters seem to respect her. ( Or fear her, as is the case for Newt. ) ((I’m joking, I think he likes her, but confident people intimidate him.)) So. We’ve got Tracy who has built herself her own moral compass and is confident in the choices she made despite the hostility and difficulties she may have encountered, and Shadwell who lives according to a bunch of bigotted outdated rules he doesn’t actually believe in all that much. HA. Why does that ring a bell, I wonder… For the sake of not letting any ounce of ambiguity floating in the air, I’m going to spell it out :

Shadwell and the Witchfinders’ rules echo Anathema and her prophecies, and Aziraphale and Heaven’s indoctrination. Meanwhile, Tracy echoes Newt and Crowley for their marginality and self-made moral code (ok it’s less obvious for Newt especially if you haven’t read the book but he is the kind to question stuff constantly, to the point he hesitates a lot and has troubles finding his place in the world, but his – tiny - character arc is that he becomes able to question correctly and make decisions and help others make decisions).

The interesting thing is, in a way, Shadwell embodies the worst surface aspect of being a bigot blindly obeying outdated rules, while Tracy is the best possible outcome of a marginal making a life for themself. Newt and Anathema place somewhere in the middle, Anathema being able to let go of the thing that was ruling her life, and Newt is in the process of learning who he is, getting comfortable with that person and finding a place for himself in the world.

As for Crowley and Aziraphale, their long lives has thrown them in morally grey areas for a looong time, but at the end of GO, once freed from Heaven and Hell -but especially Heaven as Aziraphale has the most work to do to also get rid off his endoctrination completely- they are free to join Tracy, Shadwell, Newt and Anathema into finally becoming the most blooming versions of themselves. It is not too late, no matter how dark or how far back they’re coming from.

But !!! I am not entirely done.

The sword. And the gun. Both weapon given - more or less – to humanity by Aziraphale. The flaming sword, given at the very beginning to Adam and Eve hoping they’d use it to protect themselves, and that ends up in the hands of War. The thundergun, not given but required by Aziraphale to be put to use, right as the Armageddon is about to put an end to humanity, and to be used, this time, to kill someone. And, as I mentionned, both Shadwell and Tracy refuse to shoot.

Aziraphale cannot make humanity obey him, now can he ? Because that’s what it is, ultimately. Humanity. And, as always, free will. Because Tracy and Shadwell represent certain extremes and a lot of grey areas of humanity’s morals and diversity of personnalities, they are -almost- perfect ambassadors of humanity as a whole. Good and Evil bear no meaning around them, they refuse to fit neatly into any category, especially when scrutinized through the lenses of different places and eras as ethics shift constantely. Shadwell shows that even garbage trash men can show empathy, Tracy is the most merciful and kind person, which doesn’t prevent her from being surprisingly strong and adamant when needed. Shadwell and Tracy are part of each other’s life, against all odds, and even if it might have been just because they were neighbours at first, they ultimately chose to remain together. All duos chose to stick to their counterpart in the end. All of them represent the many contradictions of humanity, and how love is the ultimate way to live along together. And they use their free will for love. And while I would not, ever, EVER want to interact with a Shadwell IRL, I now see why it was important to make him the way he is depicted. From a narrative point of view, it was important to make him seemingly irreedemable, only for the one character he harrasses the most to trust and love him, because Tracy knows he, actually, isn’t as bad as it may seem. Because people who might seem horrible are not necessarily the ones who are. Because even Shadwell can love and be loved. And because everybody can improve.

Now, I do not know why the sexism and the homophobia had to be the main choices to convey how much of a bigotted idiot Shadwell was (No, I mean, I think I know why: probably because killing witches and gays were the Witchfinders’ Army main goals, but still, it’s tough on modern audiences - whether this should be taken into account by authors is... quite a debate to have, and maybe the main reason it bothers me? idk idk, I’ve already thought too much at this point). Because despite the fact that some of his lines and his excellent actor made him nice to see on screen (or read in the book for that matter), I have a very hard time liking his character. But that might be the point. I don’t know. Only Tracy can love him. But at least now, it makes more sense to me.

#good omens #meta #my stuff #long post #madame tracy #shadwell #sargent shadwell #witchfinder army #when i was thinking about this #the part that through through yet another lisa simpson existencial crisis meme #was when i realized the bit about #aziraphale giving weapons to humanity TWICE #and how each time #they refused to use it the way he wanted them to #this angel has shite luck with weapon #and is definitely not meant to be forcing decisions onto mankind #that's free will bitch #it's neither good or bad but humans sure love to be unfuriatingly disobedient #if aziraphale played stanley's parable he wouldn't see the point #look at me writing yet another post in the tags as is now custom #hi to those who read these tags

[randomeditscreates]

The Force Awakens Breakdown

So I know no one gives a shit about my opinions on movies and my last post about the sequel trilogy [ST] But honestly I want to continue talking about these crap movies. So now that we got that through, lets start.

1) Jar Jar Abrams start this movie by basically ripping off the concept of the OT [Original Trilogy] The First Order [The empire] has taken over with a dark side user [Kylo Ren in this one, and Darth Vader in the OT] with a more powerful dark side user in the background pulling all the strings [Snoke and Creamy Sheeve respectfully] With an opposing side that happening to be small in numbers, [The Rebels and The Resistance(What they're resisting, no fucking clue, but it sounds nice)]

2) Rey Palpatine (I refuse to use the other name) is the protagonist of this story, and just so happens to live in a desert planet, you know like Luke. And happens to be the most laziest character Jar Jar and Kathleen Kennedy ever created. She's kind, and friendly and her only flaw is that she doesn't have any family. She's a scavenger, yet has so much proficient in the force, you would think she's been training for decades. She has great skill in flying ships and fixing them, that you would think, it would at least be a throwaway line. But nope, she has no reasoning for knowing how to fly or fix ships and the only reasoning we really have is that, Jar Jar wanted it, so he put it in. And throughout this movie and following ones, she picks up skills like their pokemon cards because fuck hard work. Now Rey pisses me off, not just because of her lazy character, but because during all the movies, nothing ever fucking happens to her, she doesn't get hurt to an extreme degree like Finn, She doesn't go through a huge revelation, all that happens is that Rey loses Han (someone she barely knows) then she magically beat Kylo,( who if you don't remember has years even decades over Rey in training) and then decides to find Luke. And that leads to the third problem...

3) The movie is too full. for being a movie that is 2 hours and 16 minutes, yes I fucking looked it up, this movie seems to drag on and not develop any of their concepts. Because while I fucking agree that Rian Johnson left fucking nothing for Jar Jar to work with, at least his story had some character development, and yes it dumb and breaks the world but I'll take what I can get. All the main characters in this movie all ends up the same as they start off with. Rey is a happy and kind character with no past, turns to Rey is a happy and kind character with no past and force abilities. Kylo Ren is tangled up Christmas lights drenched in yogurt and acid, and turns into a tangled up Christmas lights drenched in yogurt and acid, who ends up Killing his father. But if you remember is haunted by that death by TLJ [The Last Jedi] Poe Dameron is a self assured Spit-fired Pilot and ends up a Spit-fired self assured Pilot who's Not dead. Even the characters who do get develop, Finn and, oh my god, it's only Finn, get's completely rewritten in TLJ and gets the story arc redone just terribly. We can't even talk about Han, Leia or even Maz, because Han doesn't change and then dies, Leia doesn't get enough screen time to show anything about this character, and Maz is supposed to Yoda in a yellow and female clothing, and they do shit with that too because it leads to this..

4) Maz Kanata and holy fuck, she's literally the reason Han is dead. Maz yells very loudly to the entire cantina that Han Solo is here, which leads for the First Order to be notified. She somehow has Luke's lightsaber [It doesn't get explained, not even in the later movies] and somehow Rey is drawn to it, and leads to Maz giving advice, but you know the shitty type because it ends with Rey running away in the forest for her to get caught by Kylo. She tells Finn that he shouldn't leave, and that it turns makes him severely injured. And if you don't remember she does the same to Han, and he ends up dead. And her cantina gets fucking destroyed after being their for centuries, yet she couldn't give a fuck. and it shows the true issue, Jar Jar and Kathleen Kennedy in extent doesn't give a fuck about characters and just wants to to get from point A to point B with a lot of flashing lights.

5) Han Solo: Character Assassination. A character who developed into a man who was ready to risk it all for the rebellion. A character we loved in the OT is now broken down into his New Hope person all over again. Who apparently has scammed everyone in the galaxy? Um, Jar Jar, I know it might seem strange to you, but a smuggler needs people who trust him to get jobs and therefore receive income. But I guess I shouldn't expect much from the same man that think a Smuggler would want to be easily known or recognized. Also Leia and him are either broken up or divorced and that makes me feel really happy to know a couple that I loved are no longer together and one of this dead. Because Han Solo is just there for fan service and to shoot his gun, because that's what he's here for to go pew pew. Oh and to die, that what all the OT fans wanted, One of the main three characters killed by their own child.

6) Subtle doesn't exist in this movie, everything is given the delicacy of a hammer. We find out that Kylo or Ben, (I really don't fucking give a shit) is the son of Han solo, by Snoke just saying, the droid is in the possession of your father Han Solo, like no shit I assumed that when you mentioned the Millennium Falcon. Who would you think I thought Kylo was the son of, Chewbacca? Finn's story arc is the only one that makes you think, and brings a new aspect to the movies, and to the Stormtroopers. I just fucking wish we could do the same for the others Stormtroopers, because the other are killed with no regards that most of them, as Finn states were sold into this at a young age. Good job Resistance for killing all these people who was forced into this with no regards. How does a series that came like a decade before you (Star Wars: The Clones War Series) manage to develop the concepts that stormtroopers or clones are not mindless drones better than you. (The Rookie episode in the first season helps flesh out all the clones and they only have 25 minutes per episode, get you're shit together Lucas Films) And these are only the examples I could think of, off the top of my head.

7) Rey is a great example of Sexism, but instead it goes the other way around then usual. All the male characters are laughed at and or ridiculed, but all the females are perfect and don't need to change. One of the last scene is a great example of this, Kylo Ren, the one with years of training and two powerful masters who trained him, gets beat by Rey, someone who has no skill with a lightsaber and didn't even know she could use the force until Jar Jar decided to pull it out his ass. Even Finn who has at least close quarters fighting skills under his belt couldn't beat Kylo, and has to be saved by Rey. Now I will admit to being a feminist but Kathleen version completely differs from mine. Because while I believe both men and women are both capable of reaching the same level of skill, Kathleen think women should be able to do incredible things without working for it. And it clear by her stupid "The Force is female" Like shut the fuck up, the force was never given a gender, why the fuck are you doing it now? I also found out that most of the Crew in Lucas Film, happens to be female. and it's clear who's doing that. Again I am a feminist but I hate when people just have diversity for the sake of diversity instead of the person's capabilities. It's very vindictive of the Feminist movement, The Black Lives Movement and LGBT+ agenda as well, as we're trying to make people see them as just like everyone else which they fucking are (I will not stand for any form of bigotry and if you don't like something simply because of someone's race, gender or sexuality, you are shit human being) , they just so happen to not be a straight white man. And that they have the same struggles as everyone else. Also we already had strong female characters in the series without the big emphasis on the fact that they have a vagina. As from the basis, Star Wars was never about gender and because of this we got fully developed character we could relate to.

Now Dishonorable Mentions

A) This movie is fucking 2 hours and 16 minutes long, yet it feel so unfinished

B) Jar Jar Abrams deep seated love for mystery boxes and how it get more screen time then the actual Character it involves (Rey)

C) The movie could've been great, they're was definitely potential but it was dwarfed by mystery boxes and Visuals

D) Rey is not a Mary Sue in this Movie, she becomes one by the end of TLJ but she's not yet. So I guess it one positive.

E) Jar Jar inability for world Building, and doesn't even fucking tries to explain how the First Order even began to rise.

F) Poe Fucking Dameron, and the amount of time that is dedicated to him. I love him but come on, just make it someone like Han, as it could bring up the relationship between him and his son, which could then bring more emphasis when we reveal their relationship. But no lets bring up a character who we all assume is dead until about the end. And then does absolutely fucking nothing.

G) And Lastly when we see Han die, we don't get a scene of any of the characters we give a fuck about and who knows Han mourn his death, instead we just have two characters who had about 15 minutes of screen time with Han, and Chewbacca. And it doesn't get better because Rian Johnson decides in the second movie that we don't need a scene of Luke mourning over the man who fought side by side with him and is his Sister's husband. No Instead we get a scene of him drinking tit milk.

So that's it, well for now, I'll make another post for this if I have any more issues. But that it for now. I would also like to make it damn clear now, as I'll probably continue this, that me tearing apart a movie is based soley on the technical aspects of it. And that if you enjoyed this movie, you are entitled to it, but you cannot defend this movie's writing , because as I hoped I made clear, the writing is very much shit.

#star wars #rey star wars #rey palpatine #finn star wars #poe dameron #luke skywalker #critique

[random-imagines-blog]

Still A Stranger {Shadow Moon x Reader Oneshot}

Requested by: @ateliefloresdaprimavera​ Wordcount: 3137 Summary: You, as Shadow’s soulmate, are always going to be a threat to Mr. Wednesday. He tries to break that bond, but a tricky tech-boy has a way of trying to get you two re-connected. Warnings: Swearing.

Shadow could not understand the pull that he had towards you since the day that he had met you. When he had first linked eyes with you, he thought that perhaps he had finally find a place in this world. And then he mentally cursed himself because he had a place in this world - and it was with his wife, Laura Moon. No matter how uncomfortable the attraction, he kept coming around to where you worked, forming up a friendship. He never felt like you were just trying to make him happy, the way he sometimes felt about Laura. He felt an honest-to-God connection but it was too late for the both of you. He believed fully in marriage, and didn’t believe in divorce. He had made a vow to Laura, and he wasn’t going to break it, no matter how often it felt like the Universe was trying to push him into doing it. Even when you came to the prison, dressed in old t-shirts and comfortable pants rather than trying to dress up, because you were in such a hurry for your every other weekend meetings.

And he absolutely hated that, as soon as he had heard the news that his wife had died, just days before his release, his first thought was of you. He thought of how you might dress for the funeral, in a black dress with matching heels which might sink into the grass of the graveyard. He thought of you crying, and that hurt his heart more than learning about Laura’s death. A car accident, they said. Not much detail about it. It could have happened to anyone. It could have happened to you.

You look just as predicted at the funeral, and you were the only one to leave the procession and find Shadow, who was hanging back in the trees as she was being buried. You held him as he sobbed, but once again, he was thinking about what if it had been you, rather than what had actually happened. ‘Laura was so young, but so was Shadow, and he can find a way to rebuild his life.’ He didn’t mention that he had already taken a job offer from a certain Mr. Wednesday, because he didn’t trust himself around you. And you were the only reason to stay in this small piece of shit town.

Wednesday watched your interaction with Shadow, using his good eye to stare. His deep-set wrinkles made him look more serious, which he was. He wasn’t going to be smiling anytime soon. He saw you as an instant threat to the whole operation, and had to think of how he was going to solve this little ‘soulmate’ problem.

-

You offered to go with Shadow wherever it was that he wanted to go. You felt that instant connection as well. Just being around him made your heart beat quicker and quicker. But you never acted on anything because you respected his relationship with Laura. And you had even liked Laura, and tried to be her friend, though she was not always the easiest person to get on with.

But Shadow had told you that you couldn’t go with him. He didn’t know if this job was going to be dangerous, but it felt as if it would be. He was being a body guard for a really strange man who seemed to have all sorts of connections. Mob, mafia, he didn’t know. But he wasn’t going to be pulling you into it. So you had to let him leave, watching as he got into the car, into the driver’s seat, with some old man in the back and took off. You had put a hand up to the window, pleading with him mentally to come back. Something about this felt horribly, horribly wrong.

That feeling didn’t go away when there was a knock at your door, and a tall red-haired man was at your door. He looked you up and down, and you pulled the front of your cardigan closer to you, feeling uncomfortable under his gaze. “Can I help you?” You asked politely, because you had been taught not to be rude to strangers unless they are rude to you. The way this man was checking you out was bordering on that.

“Shadow sent me,” He said, stepping inside of your house and looking around at your furnishings. He was so large, you didn’t have much choice but to step back and let him in. “Suppose to help you pack your bags or summin. Take you to him.”

He had a thick Irish accent, you noticed. Not something that you heard often around these parts. “Can you prove it?” You asked, not trusting in him upon first meeting. He had shifty eyes, kept looking around, almost like someone going through withdrawal.

“How would I ‘ave found you otherwise? You drive, I’ll guide.”

And that was how you found yourself driving down the highway with a giant Irishman, who claimed to be a leprechaun but he also seemed drunk so you didn’t take much he was saying seriously, shouting our directions ever once in a while. You had a bag packed, haphazardly packed but it was full nonetheless, with clothes and little else. There wasn’t anything else that you thought you might need. Shadow was just about it.

“Room 174, sweetheart,” Sweeney said, tossing you a key when you pulled into the parking lot of a motel. At least the car that you had seen Shadow driving off in was here. That made this seem just a little bit sketchy. You got out of the car, and Sweeney got out on his side, but immediately started to walk away, probably towards the nearest bar. You watched his back as he crossed the street, swearing at something. Birds, looked like. Then your eyes turned towards the motel itself. A few of the rooms were occupied, including 174. There was a light shining behind the closed curtains. Beckoning you, you hoped. You slid the key into the lock, and it went in smooth. You turned it, and the door opened with barely a touch.

“Shadow, are you in here?” You asked, pushing the door forward to reveal the interior of the room. It seemed like a typical seedy motel, with cheap wooden furniture, a small television and a bed with two people fucking on it. You gasped, mainly in surprise, at what you were seeing. It wasn’t just Shadow on the bed that had made you feel so shocked, it was the fact that his dead ex wife was in the bed with him. And she wasn’t dead. From the way that she was moving, she looked very much alive. “Oh - oh God.”

“Y/N?” Shadow said, rolling off of his wife and pulled a blanket up to cover himself up.

“This is what you wanted me to see? That she’s alive? A call would have done and Laura - we buried you. What is ... I saw you in the coffin.” Your mind felt like it was collapsing in itself. You stepped out of the room, back onto the sidewalk and to the parking lot. You left the key in the lock but you had your car keys in your hand. Shadow came out of the room, with just the sheet wrapped around his groin. “No - go back in there, Shadow. I - I can’t deal with all of this.”

“Y/N, come on,” Shadow said, pausing. “How did you know we were here?”

“A giant fuckin leprechaun told me, that’s why!” You shouted, never thinking that you would put those words together. “Told me that you wanted me to come with you. And here I thought... I thought...” Your lower lip quivered against your will. You ran back towards your car, and fiddled with the lock, trying to get in as fast as you could. Shadow continued to stand in the doorway of the motel room, not making another move towards you. That alone told you a lot. He preferred his dead wife over you, and you couldn’t even blame him. If it was really her, Laura had come back to life and that was a miracle! You couldn’t fault him for a second.

You drove past without looking back at him, because it would hurt far too much. Which meant that you also didn’t notice another door being open, and the old man standing in that doorway, watching you leave with an amused smile on his face.

-

Something felt missing from your life, but you couldn’t quite put your finger on what it was. You felt like you were forgetting something. Every time you saw a cute couple walking down the street, or a romantic movie, or even just two best friend bickering over bowling scores, you felt an absence. A sick feeling came over your stomach when you caught your shadow against a wall, or whenever you saw a prison on the tv. You couldn’t remember what you had forgotten, or why you had forgotten it. It was someone ... you could see a figure in your dreams sometimes. A tall male ... you didn’t know.

Of course, you had no idea that Odin, the Norse God, had tampered with your memory in order for you to forget your soulmate, so you wouldn’t get in his way.

Your life continued on as normal, though you didn’t date. No one ever felt right. You went to work, you hung out with your friends, you went to birthday dinners and enjoyed your downtime. It wasn’t a bad living, to be honest. You even joined social media as a way to record your life and to keep in contact with friends.

It was that which ended up being Mr Wednesday’s downfall.

Tech-Boy hated Shadow Moon. Thought that he was an annoying asshole, hence why he tried to have him lynched at the graveyard. He’d do just about anything to bring him down a peg. So when he came across you on social media, when he clicked your name and Shadow’s together in his mind, he started to form a plan. There might just be something that he could do to ruin Wednesday’s day after all.

-

‘House on the Rock!’ the invite notification came up on your laptop. ‘Y/N, you just won a free trip to this amazing destination, just for liking our page! Come ride our magical carousel, get your fortune told by the most reliable source, and enjoy the Infinity Room! This is not a scam, you truly won!’

You rolled your eyes but your curiosity had been piqued. Usually if something went out of it’s way to say that it isn’t a scam, that means that it is. You minimized the notification and then set about on doing some research on the place, since you never heard of it. The house on the Rock, a world famous Wisconsin attraction. It’s a complex of architecturally distinct rooms, streets, gardens, and shops.

The only reference that you found towards a fortune teller was an old machine. The kind where you drop a coin in and you get a slip of paper, like the one from the movie BIG. The most reliable source. Well - you had some sick days saved up. You might as well see if the offer was true.

It turned out that it was a true offer, and you were mailed a ticket of free admission, as well as some vouchers for the shops, golf course, and carousel. You took a few days off from work, and then decided that you would go on your own. Have a little vacation to find yourself. Maybe you would discover what you had forgotten along the way.

-

The outside was a marvel to look at. It was all that it was advertised to be - and more. Though what confused you was why there were so little visitors today. The parking lot was nearly empty. There was a car parked outside of the front and there was something that felt so damn familiar about it. You stopped beside it and looked into the back window but there was nothing inside which gave you any clues as to why. The license plate didn’t ring any bells either.

It was this sort of mystery which had drawn you out here in the first place. There was nothing left to do but carry on. Perhaps there was something inside which could help you put the pieces together.

The person who took your voucher was extremely odd looking. They were wearing an odd sort of mask that covered their features entirely. It made their face look very smooth. With a little tap dance, they opened the door for you, and gestured inside with a cane. “Oh - uh - thank you,” You said, and stepped inside. The doors closed behind you with a resounding boom. It caused you to jump. The interior felt so empty, it was spooky.

“Is anybody working today?” You called out, only for your voice to echo. What an odd day to come to this place, but it was when the voucher had specified. You walked on through, with your arms around yourself in a sort of hug. It felt like you had just walked into a SAW-type trap and any minute now, you were going to be strung up by your thumbs or something.

There were guiding arrows on the floor, which lead you to a carousel room. It was the only one that wasn’t abandoned. There were a couple of people standing around, though none of them looked like they belonged together. Old and young, different ethnicities. None of them were standing particularly close to one another. But they all turned eyes to you as you walked in.

“Who is she?” An older man with a European accent asked, looking around. No one spoke up for you, which was good because you didn’t know any of these people. A tall, dark stranger was staring at you the longest, with wide eyed as if he recognized you. You were careful not to look at him. The expression was one that brought a chill to your spine.

“Did you all win a free trip here too?” You asked, holding up your carousel voucher.

“No,” The oldest man of them all stepped forward, walking towards you. But the dark stranger took hold of his shoulder in an attempt to stop him. “Go away, you’re interrupting a private meeting.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” You said, stepping backwards in awkwardness. “I didn’t mean-”

“Y/N,” Shadow breathed out loud, making the old man stop and hang his head. You felt your breath catch in your throat.

“How do you know my name?” You questioned him, feeling suddenly defensive. The truth was, you loved the way that he said your name. Whoever this man was, you were familiar to him while he remained a stranger. “Okay, something really weird is going on. Can one of you tell me what it is? I didn’t like the stupid page in the first place, then I win a ticket to this crazy middle of nowhere place. And then there’s a faceless person there to take my ticket and now I’m having a panic attack.”

The big man stepped closer but you took a few more steps backwards. “Don’t come close to me-”

“Y/N, it’s me, it’s Shadow,” The big man said slowly. The name rolled around in your head, the way that the word always had. There were alarm bells going off throughout your body and everything felt wrong. It felt dangerous. Shadow kept walking towards you, and you stopped and went through your purse, bringing out the pepper spray that you kept in it, and pointed it upwards towards his face.

“Okay, I changed my mind. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know anything. I’m just going to leave and pretend that I was never here, okay? So don’t hurt me - I won’t say anything.”

The big one named Shadow turned around to the old man and started to shout at him, but you didn’t stick around to find out what he was saying. All you knew was that your name was being said, because it echoed off of the hallway walls as you ran down them, back towards where you had come in. You kept the pepper spray in hand, just in case one of them tried to come after you.

The fresh air alleviated some of the pressure that was going on inside of your head as you burst through the doors. The faceless gentleman that had taken your ticket had no longer been behind the counter. In fact, apart from the people in the carousel room, you hadn’t seen another soul. That just made you believe even more that you had stumbled upon something that you shouldn’t have. You fumbled for your keys in your purse as you made your way quickly to the car, unlocking it with a push of a button.

Once you were safe in the vehicle’s interior, you locked the doors and started it up. As you buckled up your seatbelt and looked out the windshield you saw the big one coming out again. Shadow. You tensed up behind the wheel, your stomach feeling like it was on a roller coaster all on it’s own, then started to reverse out of the parking lot. You left without looking back, the can of pepper spray clenched between your legs in case of emergency.

-

“What did you do?” Shadows asked, looming over Wednesday, his back straightened to his true height. “What the fuck did you do to y/n?”

“Calm down Shadow,” Wednesday said in return, his good eye shifting to the leaving car. “We’ve still got work to do here.”

“The fuck we do,” He said, charging away from the old man, taking out the keys to the car and held them between his fingers, ready to punch anyone who might try to stop them.

“Where are you going?” Wednesday asked, but no amount of threats would be able to stop the man from going towards the car.

“To do what I should have done weeks ago,” Shadow said, mainly to himself at this point as he got inside the vehicle. He could no longer see you in the rearview mirror, but he was certainly going to try his best to catch up.

#Shadow Moon #Shadow Moon x reader #Shadow Moon oneshot #American Gods #American Gods oneshot #request #x reader #oneshot #one shot #ShadowM

[goatsandgangsters]

Connect (Con Man AU; Chapter 3)

Characters: Meyer Lansky, Charlie Luciano, Benny Siegel, Frank Costello Pairing: Meyer/Charlie Word Count: ~5,000

(also on ao3)

“How’s it looking?” Meyer’s voice—though he seldom raised it—echoed louder than usual as he entered the empty room. The ceiling wasn’t high, but the exposed concrete and beams made everything sound louder than it was, his footsteps sharp and distinct.

Benny sat perched on the windowsill before a wide expanse of tinted glass, the large Citgo sign behind him. He looked up from the wad of cash he was counting, a plastic spoon dangling from the corner of his mouth. “Not great,” he said around the spoon.

Meyer stopped in front of him and bristled. “Not great?”

Benny offered a toothy grin, plucking the spoon from his mouth. “The clam chowder, I mean. Not all it’s cracked up to be, you know.”

Meyer let out a sigh that was equal parts relief and frustration, rounding instead on Frank for a straight answer. “What about you?”

“I didn’t have any. Seafood doesn’t agree with me. Besides, my wife’s got me doing this cleanse, so I’m only supposed to eat—”

“Will somebody—” Meyer said sharply, “please tell me about the damn Red Sox.”

“Oh, yeah, them. Probably gonna win,” Benny shrugged. “Unless they all get sick from this clam chowder. Chowdah,” he amended, adopting a mocking accent as he tossed his half-full cup halfway across the room into an open box.

Meyer smiled wryly, clasping his hands together as he looked out the window. It was early afternoon, the sun still high in the sky, but he knew that soon those stadium lights would be burning hot and bright around the green edges of Fenway Park. “Well, don’t go slipping them any. We need them to win the World Series.”

Frank scooped Benny’s chowder cup out of the box and set it on the ground. “And don’t go messing up the merchandise, alright?”

“And this location. It’s secured?” Meyer asked as he cocked his head and peered down into the boxes. Frank was good with logistics—he knew people, knew which palms to grease, plus he had out-of-town connections in several major cities outside of New York. But, for as reliable as he knew Frank to be, Meyer knew it was better never to rely on anyone else.

“Secure and discrete, with a backdoor in case of emergency,” Frank confirmed.

From the windowsill, Benny laughed. “Sounds like a Craigslist ad.”

Neither Frank nor Meyer paid the comment any attention, as Frank continued rattling off a list of checks and information.

“Good. I want everything set up before Game 1,” Meyer said as he and Frank finished talking over the finer points.

“Where’re you goin’?” Benny asked, jumping down from his perch. The sound of his turquoise sneakers slapping the concrete floor reverberated around the room.

Frank handled moving the merchandise, buying, reselling, underselling, overselling. He took care of the practicalities of the operation with the same care that Meyer took in the planning. Meyer handled the numbers, the details, all the information they needed. They didn’t need to worry about encryption when they had the most secure data storage in the world—Meyer’s memory. Betting, selling, scamming. Credit cards. Even hacking when things got slow. Gambling was the big money-maker for sports, but any large event brought all kinds of other opportunities with it. It was all about volume. Keeping as many fingers in as many pies, but never an entire hand—so to speak. Enough to get by, to keep moving, to afford the next round of jobs, but not enough to be noticed. Not enough to raise suspicion.

“I need to crunch some numbers in peace. No distractions.” He pointed a finger at Benny as he turned back towards the door.

Benny fixed him with one of those looks that used to mean his mother was about to get a call home from the principal’s office. “When have I ever been distracting?”

Fortunately, it was a short trip back to the hotel—only a few stops by train. He had been advised by everyone to avoid driving in Boston at all costs, which was a shame. Meyer had so little opportunity to get behind the wheel back home that it was one of his favorite parts of out-of-town jobs. Certainly better than the little bars of soap he still felt wasteful leaving behind in hotels.

The hotel itself was an ornate building downtown. It was fancier than suited Meyer’s personal tastes, but this wasn’t about his preferences. Besides, he noted as he crossed the street from the train and walked across the brick plaza, the hotel was right next to the library. Not that he would have much time for reading during the World Series, but it was nice to have close by all the same. Maybe he could bring his notebook across the street for some quiet.

The doorman held the door as he entered; Meyer nodded and thanked him. It would always make him a bristle a little, being treated like some kind of big shot when he was more than capable of opening his own doors, thank you. His ego didn’t need someone to do it for him—but this was a “big shot” kind of job. The World Series was a big deal. He had a part to play.

He fished his key card from his wallet as he entered the lobby, but the woman behind the front desk waved him down. “Sir? Excuse me, sir? Your husband wanted me to let you know that he’s waiting for you in the hotel restaurant.”

“My… husband?” Meyer hesitated, keeping his face neutral.

“Yes, he said that his phone died and you’d already checked in, so he’d wait for you for dinner.”

Meyer managed a tight smile. “Thank you,” as he reversed direction from the elevators and through the doors into the plush, maroon-carpeted hotel restaurant. It was early enough in the day that there were not many people inside. A couple at the bar, one or two tables filled. At the far side, by the window, a familiar face sat with his knees up against the table, typing away on his “dead” phone.

So much for no distractions.

He walked over, pulled out a chair, and sat down. “When exactly did we get married?”

“You’re so bad at rememberin’ our anniversary,” Charlie teased, looking up at him with a smirk. He dropped his feet back to the floor, grinning, but Meyer was all business.

“How’d you find me?” he asked, giving Charlie a steady stare. Running into each other by chance in Manhattan was one thing. Charlie finding his hotel in Boston—when he had no reason to even know Meyer would be in another state and city altogether—was another matter. He needed to figure out which security breach he had to close.

“I’m lucky,” Charlie answered with a cheeky grin. Meyer raised an eyebrow; he caved. “Alright, fine. After you disappeared on me without givin’ your number, I asked around,” Charlie explained, shooting Meyer a fond-but-grudging look that almost made it seem like they actually were a couple. Meyer had to commend his commitment to a rouse.

“I figure, Meyer ain’t exactly a common name, but nobody’s got any idea who I’m talkin’ about. For bein’ the best in the biz, you’re either way under the radar or you got everybody too scared to talk. But finally, I find a guy who tells me you work big sporting events. I’m thinkin’, 2013 World Series got your name all over it.” Charlie paused and took a sip from his glass of water. “Besides, I ain’t ever been to Boston before. Never been outta the five boroughs, actually.”

He looked at Meyer expectantly, who nodded as he digested the information. Charlie was right about one thing—he did operate under the radar. It was safer that way. He had other people who could be the front, who could strike the deals, shake the hands, meet the contacts. Meyer organized it all. “So you’ve just been wandering the streets of a major metropolitan area in the hopes of running into me by chance? You do know how many people are coming in for the game, right?”

“That’s the thing, though!” Charlie said, emphatic and excited, sitting forward in his seat. “That’s how it happened.”

Meyer raised an eyebrow, opening his mouth to offer a retort, when the waiter appeared to refill their water and take their orders for drinks. Charlie—practiced and confident—ordered a cocktail involving peaches and vodka that made Meyer’s teeth ache just thinking about it. Meyer opted for pernod, while Charlie tacked on an order for pretzel bites and beer cheese with an award-winning smile.

Meyer took a sip of water and looked out the window at the people passing by in Copley Square. “Really? Pretzel bites?”

“If you don’t want any, more for me,” Charlie teased.

“I’m just surprised that a place like this even has pretzel bites.”

Charlie flipped open the black leather menu book. “What, so I should order some ‘olive oil poached octopus’ when he comes back?”

Meyer grimaced. “Pretzels will be just fine. But don’t think you’re getting out of this easily. I believe I’m still owed an explanation.”

Charlie leaned against the high-backed leather chair; he seemed to be enjoying this, retelling his detective work. At least it wasn’t hard to get him talking. Useful flaw. “Alright, so I get here, figure next step’s gotta be Fenway, maybe start askin’ around, see if anybody who’s in the business here knows anything about you.”

“Seems doubtful, considering you didn’t have much luck with that on our home turf.”

“Hey, I gotta plenty of luck, thanks. ‘Cause there I am, gettin’ a slice of pizza, courtesy of some guy’s wallet—and it ain’t New York pizza, I’ll tell you that much—”

Meyer smirked. “I don’t hear great things about the clam chowder, either.”

“That’s just it! There I am, eatin’ my shit pizza, and there’s these two guys. When’s Meyer meetin’ us, and suddenly I’m all ears.”

“I’m not the only person in the entire world named Meyer, you know.”

Charlie ignored this point and kept talking. “So the one guy—beanpole, can’t stand still—he’s all, how come Meyer gets that swanky Copley hotel and we’re in a Best Western. And the other guy—looks like an Eddie Bauer catalog—he’s sayin’, well you know Meyer, all cautious, wants to stay separate. So now I’m here and I was right.”

Charlie grinned in satisfaction, evidently quite pleased with himself and his work, even though it was nothing but stupid dumb luck and stupid dumb Benny and Frank. Meyer clenched his teeth; he’d be having a word with them about being so cavalier with their details in public, where anyone could overhear.

“Well,” Meyer said, brushing a few lingering crumbs from earlier patrons off the table and into the palm of his hand, “I’ve never had a stalker before. Is that standard in your repertoire, or are you branching out?”

Charlie scoffed, indignant. “I’m not a stalker!”

“What do you call following me all the way to Boston?”

“Skill.”

Meyer snorted, which seemed to get under Charlie’s skin.

“Come on, admit it. You’re impressed!”

He wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction so easily. “Maybe I’m just creeped out.” It was unbelievable, after all, that he could come all the way to Boston and Charlie could still track him down in one afternoon all because of some goddamn clam chowder. And more than a little worrying. If Charlie could do it, who else?

“Listen,” Charlie said, sitting forward and drumming his fingers against the menu. He spoke quickly in a lowered voice, a look in his eyes as he met Meyer’s. “If I’m honest, I didn’t think it’d work, but then I found you and—and it’s like what you said. Things connect. Like us.”

Meyer sat back. “You’re twisting my words. That’s about strategy, you’re talking… fate.”

Charlie cocked his head. “You sayin’ you don’t believe in it?”

Meyer scoffed. “No, of course not. Do you? Fate is nothing more than what you make of it.”

“And I made it here.”

They fell into silence as the waiter set their drinks down on the table. The moment he was out of earshot, Charlie raised his glass with a winning smile. “So what do you say?”

“About fate?”

“About me. Whatever you got goin’ on, I want in.”

Meyer paused, tracing a finger along the outside of his glass. “I’m not sure it will work.” Rather than look at Charlie’s face—like someone had killed his puppy—Meyer riffled through his bag instead. “If you come onboard… Something tells me you’re a Yankees guy, but we need someone to be the idiot fan,” he said as he pulled out a Red Sox cap.

Charlie’s face split into a grin as he reached for the hat. “Anything for you, honey.”

Despite himself, Meyer laughed and clinked their glasses together.

*****

They didn’t order the Prime New York Strip, despite Charlie’s insistence that they have a full dinner instead of drinks and appetizers. Really, he just wanted to order the most expensive thing on the menu.

But, Meyer had said, there were better cuts.

Charlie couldn’t tell if he was being a snob or offering to buy him a nicer steak dinner later. Either way, he planned on sticking around to find out.

A short while—and several people’s wallets—later, Meyer was leading him into a building across from Fenway Park. The wallets weren’t part of the plan, per se, but Charlie wasn’t about to cram his ass onto an overcrowded, stopping-and-starting, screechy excuse for a subway without making it worth his while. Meyer noticed, of course, and said nothing; he only smirked. And maybe Charlie liked showing off a little, liked the way Meyer kept his lips in a stern little line, but his eyes crinkled in the corner as Charlie lifted a pair of designer sunglasses from a stuffy business type with a bit of bravado.

He liked the way Meyer moved through the crowds like no one could touch him, as though the sweaty ambling bodies around them were water he could part effortlessly with the angle of his shoulder. He didn’t walk into the building like he owned it—none of that swagger or arrogance. But no one was going to stop him. He looked like a Boy Scout who got a law degree in-between volunteering at the orphaned puppy shelter and helping little old ladies cross the street. But Charlie also saw that look in his eyes, the calculations, the assessment, the darting glances taking in all the details, underneath the unassuming veneer. The ultimate con man.

And here Charlie always thought he was a pro because if he smiled nice enough, no one noticed what his hands were doing. It worked, sure. But Meyer was next level.

If there was one thing Charlie learned in this business, it was to move when you saw an opening. And this was a chance he wasn’t about to let slip away.

“I still think you oughta put that table on the far wall—” Eddie Bauer Catalog was saying to ADHD Beanpole.

“Why, in case Batman repels in and steals our shit?”

“No, it just doesn’t feel right. Y’know, the feng shui.”

“Jesus, Frank, we’re only gonna be here until the end of the World Series—whoa, who’s the homeless guy?” Beanpole said as he noticed them approaching.

“I been on a bus all day!” Charlie snapped back. He wasn’t about to surreptitiously smell his armpit in front of people he didn’t know, but was he that much of a mess? Beanpole and Eddie Bauer were looking at him with uncertainty, wary in a way that had nothing to do with what he looked like.

“This is Charlie,” Meyer said, matter-of-fact. “He’ll be working with us.”

They exchanged another glance.

“Who the fuck is he?” Beanpole looked Charlie up and down; he didn’t seem impressed.

The other cut in for him. “What Benny means to say is, we didn’t think that bringing anyone else in—especially day of—was part of the plan.”

“It wasn’t,” Meyer said, a small smile on his face that didn’t reach his eyes as he clasped his hands behind his back. “But he stalked me to my hotel all the way from New York because a certain set of people—and I’m not naming names—decided to announce my whereabouts in a public place.”

“I didn’t stalk—we worked together before. Once,” Charlie explained in a hurried grumble. Okay, so maybe he did stalk Meyer. A little bit. But that’s how it was in their world.

The Beanpole—Benny—scoffed. Like Charlie wasn’t even there, he turned to Meyer and said, with disdain, “Since when do you work with anyone else?” The besides us didn’t need to be said.

This was a dumb idea. This was stupid. He shouldn’t have come all the way to Boston on a fucking hunch. He’d been beyond lucky even crossing paths with Meyer again, but he didn’t picture Meyer having a little gang like this. Which was stupid, he should have figured. After all, Meyer wasn’t gonna be a big player all on his own. But somehow, he figured he was like Charlie. Maybe a shitty subpar partner here and there, the Toninos of the world, but at the end of the day, all on his own.

“Fine,” he snapped. “Looks like you got it all covered.” He turned to go, but Meyer grabbed his arm.

“He’s good,” Meyer said with such finality that even Charlie believed he meant it. He fixed the other two with a firm stare. “Any other questions?”

He was a head taller than both of them, but it was clear that when Meyer said something, they listened. The one who couldn’t stand still didn’t look happy about it, but he also wasn’t going to argue. The other one was still looking at Charlie kind of funny, and Charlie prepared to square up, when he said—“Oh! You’re that Lucania kid!”

Charlie did a double take. “How the fuck d’you know that?”

He swore he’d never seen this guy in his life, but he just laughed warmly and shook his head. It reminded him of a grandparent with little kids, like he was about to start saying shit like yea high. “Yeah, knew you looked familiar. Got my start runnin’ errands for those old country types in the neighborhood, worked the corner store on East 11th. You were always givin’ your mother agida.”

All Charlie could do was stare at him and then laugh. “Just what everybody in this business wants, huh? Doin’ a job with somebody who knows your mother.”

The other guy waved a hand at him. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell her.” He paused. “For her sake, of course. Not yours. Don’t want to put her through the stress.” He extended his hand to Charlie, with a shake that seemed to belong more in the halls of Congress. “Frank Costello.”

“Oh yeah. Rings a bell.” He couldn’t have told you anything more about him, but it was a name Charlie remembered hearing around the neighborhood. Everybody liked Frank, he knew that. He solved problems. You just weren’t supposed to ask how.

In an undertone, he nudged Meyer in the side with his elbow. “Guess you was right about one thing, huh?” He flashed a grin and pointed his two index fingers together. “About it all connectin’.”

Meyer returned the look with a wry grin. “I think I was right about more than just that.”

Benny misinterpreted the gesture. “Oh eugh. Look, I’m happy you finally got laid, Meyer, but this guy?”

“What’s your problem?” Charlie snapped back with an entirely different finger gesture. Even in his annoyance, however, the word “finally” lodged itself into his brain. From what he remembered—and Charlie did remember—Meyer wasn’t such a bad kisser for a guy who apparently wasn’t getting laid.

“Don’t take it personally, Benny’s goal in life is to get under people’s skin,” Meyer explained in a tone of voice that suggested he was used to explaining away the other’s behavior. Then, with a sharp point at Benny, said emphatically, “And no, we are not—It’s just business.”

Benny snorted. “Always is, with you.”

That was all it took. Before Charlie knew, Meyer was running through their jobs with the precision of a wartime general. Frank moved the merchandise—and no, Charlie, it wasn’t petty theft; it was more what you might term a grey market. They handled sports betting of all types, card games, credit card skimming, and some more complicated jobs that Charlie didn’t fully follow as Meyer spoke with meticulous quickness.

“And if he doesn’t keep me busy enough,” Benny interrupted as Meyer wrapped up the basic overview, “I get bored and jack a car.”

Charlie hadn’t known him long, but he already knew that wasn’t a joke.

“For the record, I hate it when he does that,” Frank said with a sigh.

Benny smirked. “Yeah but Meyer loves a good chop shop more than anyone I know.”

That Charlie didn’t believe, but the small fond smile on Meyer’s face said otherwise. He didn’t argue, instead saying, “Just as long as you’re careful about it.”

“Is there anything you guys don’t do?”

Silence filled the office space. Finally, Frank said with a considering expression, “Not murder. Usually.”

Charlie squinted. He didn’t have a good read on Mr. Eddie-Bauer-for-Senate yet. “Is he kidding?” he asked Meyer.

Meyer didn’t answer, too busy staring out the tinted windows at the glowing lights and milling crowds in baseball caps below. “C’mon. Let’s get out of Frank’s hair before the local hires show up.”

*****

By the time they left the game after the sixth inning—Meyer had work to do before the game actually ended—the sun had long since set and a chill hung in the breeze outside of the bright stadium lights. Benny and Frank split off for their hotel in the neighborhood—Benny protesting all the while that Meyer got the nice hotel for this gig. But neither of the other two paid him much mind, so Charlie figured the kid was just like that. Besides, Meyer had to fit the important businessman role for this. And he did.

“You clean up pretty nice, by the way,” Charlie said, motioning to Meyer’s clothes—slacks and a button down.

“Thank you. You look like shit.” Meyer flipped through his phone while Charlie’s face fell into a scowl.

“Alright, look, I spent six and a half hours on a Megabus, alright? Cut me some slack. You wouldn’t believe the traffic.” He crossed his arms and leaned back against some restaurant, huffing. He could clean up nice, too. Maybe not nice-nice, like a real somebody, the way Meyer looked, but he had his own kind of nice. He wouldn’t be able to do the kinds of cons he did otherwise.

The smirk at the corner of Meyer’s lips was the only sign he noticed Charlie’s pouting. “Well, you should get some rest then. Where are you staying?”

Charlie hesitated. “See, that’s the thing…”

Now Meyer looked up from his phone. They looked at each other—Charlie pulling on that puppy-dog charm, while Meyer raised an eyebrow and sighed. “Come on,” he said. He didn’t sound enthusiastic about it, but at least it was an agreement.

Charlie didn’t steal anything on the short ride back to the hotel, but he did slip his hand through the crook of Meyer’s arm as they walked into the lobby. He flashed a winning smile to the woman at the front desk, who returned a polite wave and reiterated the company line to enjoy his stay. Meyer tapped his keycard inside the elevator as the doors slid closed and hit the button for 12.

“Only 12?” Charlie chided. “You didn’t spring for the penthouse for our anniversary?”

“I’m saving it for the Golden Anniversary,” Meyer replied evenly.

“Well we ain’t gonna make it that long if you don’t spoil me every now and then.” He flashed a winning smile, but Meyer looked away. The tips of his ears were pink. Huh. So he could get flustered.

Charlie grinned to himself about that as Meyer swiped open the door. He dropped his backpack—crammed with his own belongings and those of a half-dozen people who had the misfortune of taking the same train as him—onto the carpet.

“Not a bad room after all,” he said, taking it all in. More of a business suite. The walls were crisp hotel white, the leather desk chair stiff and uninviting, the modern furniture chic but obviously un-lived in. “But I gotta warn you,” Charlie grinned as his eyes fell on the king-size bed against the wall, “I’m a bit of a blanket hog.”

Meyer looked startled, but regained composure quickly. He grabbed a notebook from his luggage and settled into the uncomfortable leather chair. “I don’t plan on sleeping much, so feel free,” he said, non-committal and not looking at him.

Okay. That worked, too.

“I’m gonna shower,” he announced, a little awkward, because standing in the middle of the room and not knowing what to do with himself was getting to him. And because Benny wouldn’t stop calling him a hobo all afternoon, so maybe he did need a wash.

When did he get bad at this? Had he always been bad at this? He made a living off a combination of petty theft and seduction cons—he knew he wasn’t bad at this. Meyer was just different from everyone else. Not that he was trying get anything from Meyer the way he did marks. Sure, he wanted someone to show him the ropes, pull him into something bigger, so he wouldn’t have to operate on his own anymore. But that wasn’t a con. That was just how people worked—everybody always wanted something, otherwise why bother? But what Meyer wanted remained a mystery.

By the time he scrubbed his curls with the little bottle of free hotel shampoo and washed (and rewashed) every part of him with the unscented soap, Meyer still had not moved. Steam billowed out of the bathroom door after him as Charlie emerged from the bathroom, damp, in only a pair of fresh boxer-briefs. He padded barefoot across the carpet, rubbing the towel over his hair and tossing it aside.

As he knelt by his backpack to find a shirt, he noticed Meyer looking at him, then quickly glanced back down at his notebook. Charlie smirked. “Y’know,” he said, a little too loud, just to make Meyer look at him again. “We seem to go back to each other’s hotel rooms a lot,” he said, with slow and easy grin.

“Mm. Twice,” Meyer agreed, maybe sarcastically.

He meant the comment to be flirty, but Charlie couldn’t help glance over his shoulder at the door. “Benny’s not gonna bust in and hold a gun to my head, is he?”

Meyer laughed. “Oh, he might. That’s not the plan or anything, you just never know.”

“Great. That makes me feel better.”

He pulled a shirt from his bag, but slung it over his shoulder instead of putting it on. He sauntered over to Meyer, perching on the arm of the chair. “Y’know, if you’re gonna game the whole World Series, you might wanna get some sleep.”

“Do you mind not dripping on me while I’m working?” Meyer asked with a smirk, not looking up.

Charlie swung his shirt into Meyer’s face, and they both laughed.

Meyer worked all through the evening while Charlie sat up in bed, scrolling his phone and watching the TV with the sound turned low—even though Meyer insisted it wouldn’t distract him, after his years of practice tuning Benny out. He ordered room service for dinner and insisted Meyer eat something, even though he said he wasn’t hungry. As the hubbub of honking cars from the street below finally faded into a sleepy 2 AM haze, Charlie switched off the TV.

“Will the light bother you?” Meyer asked, speaking for the first time in hours as Charlie slipped into bed and pulled the comforter up around himself.

“Nah. Got used to sharin’ a room, growin’ up,” he said back, barely stifling a yawn. The whole bus trip up to Boston had really taken it out of him.

It didn’t take long until the room slipped away, sleep starting to pull him under. But even through the haze settling around his mind, he heard the click of the light and the tread of careful feet. He dipped back into a doze to the ambient sounds of the water running in the bathroom.

The bed creaked beside him as Meyer carefully arranged himself on the other side, a wide gap between them. Charlie flipped over to face him. He blinked his heavy eyes in the darkness. “Does this mean you trust me?” he asked, voice groggy already, as they lay on opposite sides of the king-size bed.

There was a long pause. He could feel Meyer’s slow and steady breathing through the mattress in the darkness. “No,” he answered quietly. “I don’t even trust Frank and Benny.”

#Boardwalk Empire #boardwalk fic #meyer lansky #charlie luciano #benny siegel #frank costello #boardwalk au #focus au #my writing #otp: soulmates in crime #ANYWAY LONG OVERDUE FOR AN UPDATE ON THIS ONE #I enjoyed the opportunity to have beef about boston's public transit in fic