#oh yeah and also my depression is relapsing and I have ‘can’t do things or pay attention’

[thefaultinoursprinkles]

how to explain that I’m dying and have too much going on in my personal life to have such a stressful job without sharing unnecessary details with my boss that may come back to bite me later on

#ayyyyyyyiiiiiii #like oh yeah sorry my partner tried to off themselves last December and then they were on leave for 9 months and we were living on one in on #and they just came back a month ago and it’s not going well and honestly they’re probably gonna have to quit and I don’t think they’ll be #able to work anymore at all #anyways all my bills are over dude my credit is fucked and I get about 20 calls a day from bill collectors #not to mention I’m still trying to figure out the short term disability ahit HR fucked up #oh yeah and also my depression is relapsing and I have ‘can’t do things or pay attention’ #disorder and terrible anxiety and my depression is relapsing #plus we had 2 deaths in the family very recently which I still haven’t had time to process #and you know I have to leave work early yesterday to go to urgent care cause I was having a miscarriage! #and they scooped me and gave me meds! #so like 15 client projects 6 internal projects and onboarding 2 people while you change literally every single process and rule after firing #half of my team and leaving me as the only person with product knowledge #well it’s a lot it fucking handle. #I’m dying #like how do you even say that. #you don’t #you just suffer in silence as the bone chilling dread and ‘waking up unable to breathe’ panic takes over

[ridiasfangirlings]

I enjoyed reading the thingy of Yata being in an insane asylum so I was wondering if you'd do a Sarumi thingy—whatever you call these— of Med student Saruhiko and mental patient Yata

This is a nice twist, since usually Fushimi is the patient. Imagine Yata’s in a mental institution after dealing with a bunch of rough stuff, like he had a major bout of depression after the death of two of his friends, Mikoto and Totsuka, and started self harming and such. It worried his friend Kamamoto and Mikoto’s little sister Anna enough that they eventually convinced Yata to check himself into a mental institution for his own safety. Yata’s kinda struggling because he feels like he shouldn’t be here, like no really he’s fine this isn’t necessary, but then he also has these downward spirals feeling like he’s so worthless, he couldn’t save Mikoto or Totsuka and now he can’t even be trusted to look after himself. 

 Meanwhile Fushimi is a new med student working at the facility, probably mostly in non patient-facing roles because his bedside manner sucks. His advisor Munakata reminds him that part of working with mental patients is learning to empathize and understand them, Fushimi clicks his tongue and says that’s stupid, as doctors they should be impartial (and Fushimi himself probably holds thoughts like ‘I had problems and turned out fine without being in a mental institution so these people must be idiots,’ ignoring the part where he very much did not turn out fine). As it happens they’re short handed so Munakata sends Fushimi to administer some lunch and pills and a quick checkup to one of the patients, Yata Misaki. Munakata thinks this patient may be a good one for Fushimi to handle, Fushimi rolls his eyes but is like fine.

When Fushimi walks in Yata tries to be all friendly like hey a new face (and in honor of the typo I just made writing this, imagine he starts to say ‘a nice face’ and quickly stumbles over his words). Fushimi clicks his tongue and he starts mechanically reading off Yata’s chart. He’s surprised that Yata’s the same age as him, he figured Yata was a middle schooler. Yata’s like what the fuck kind of doctor are you and Fushimi curtly says he’s Yata’s, telling Yata to lie back so Fushimi can check on his vitals. Yata’s like well maybe I don’t want you to check my vitals, you could at least say please. Fushimi snorts and says he’s the doctor here so he’ll tell Yata what to do, Yata’s like oh yeah well if you want to check my blood pressure you’re gonna have to work for it. Fushimi wonders if Yata’s defying doctor’s orders and does Fushimi need to have him restrained, Yata’s like that’s power harassment you jerk. When Fushimi finally shoves Yata’s lunch at him Yata groans at how bland all the food is here and asks if the doctors get this kind of stuff too, like you’re probably eating good curry and hot pot while we get this baby food. Fushimi says he had a Caloriemate for lunch and didn’t complain so Yata shouldn’t either, Yata’s like you know you should enjoy being able to eat whatever you want while you can. 

Afterward Fushimi complains to Munakata that Yata’s annoying and loud, Munakata is pleased that they got along so well and decides to assign Fushimi to Yata’s case. Fushimi objects but Munakata won’t budge, he thinks this would be good for Fushimi’s development. Fushimi groans and says what a pain, Munakata tells him to treat his patient well. Of course Fushimi and Yata slowly start to enjoy each other’s presence, I imagine Yata likes that Fushimi never treats him like a sad sack or mental case, he can feel almost…normal when talking to Fushimi. But then imagine one day Yata has kind of a relapse and Fushimi finds him in a depressive funk in his bed, Fushimi suddenly finds himself grasping for all the things he knows he’s learned about this and struggling to be an impartial doctor because this is Misaki and Fushimi wants to be able to help him. Afterward when Yata’s feeling slightly better he weakly says he must have looked so uncool in front of Fushimi and Fushimi mutters at Yata not to say that kind of thing, isn’t there more to worry about than looking cool (and even as he says that Fushimi thinks that he wants to look cool in front of Yata, he wants to be one that Yata can come to if he’s having problems and be the one who solves them all).

#sarumi #Talking K #tw: self harm #Fushimi is not qualified for this he's got too many of his own problems XD #imagine him only taking an interest when he meets Yata though #he normally doesn't feel much for patients but this one has caught his interest #and Yata starts thinking less of his past when Saruhiko is nearby

[potentially-a-poser]

I have such bad imposter syndrome. I met with my school’s therapist and at one point she said “yeah I just hold out hope that one day your parents will wake up as be like omg look at this awesome child we have” and I was immediately just slammed with a wave of guilt like “oh my god I’ve mislead her”.

In my head I know that I’ve never lied to her, and the only time I’ve ever not told the absolute truth is when I’ve told her about getting bullied and she asks who it was (I may be a lot of things but I’m not a snitch), or if I’ve relapsed and don’t think it was bad enough she needs to know

I got into an argument with a friend a while ago and I was telling her about it and I didn’t show her the texts but I was telling her what happened in a way that is objective as I can because I feel really bad about what I said but Im also upset about being insulted.

At one point she said “you’ve told me you were a bad person in the scenario more than you’ve told me what happened.” And after I’d finished telling her what happened she was like “I mean yeah you were rude but you have every right to be upset.” But now I’ve convinced myself I skewed the story and I’m manipulating her so that she validates me

When I got committed to a psych ward 2 years ago, before I got diagnosed with any of the depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia, adhd, any of that, the psychiatrist said “you have imposter syndrome”. I’ve had another psychiatrist and 2 therapists tell me I have imposter syndrome.

I can’t tell whether I’m an actual manipulative narcissist or I’m narcissistic for thinking I could manipulate every mental health professional I’ve come in contact with. I don’t think I could trick 2 phd holding psychiatrists and five or six therapists all of who went to school for 6+ years , as well as being able to trick all my teachers into giving me good grades and college acceptance boards into letting me in, but again I feel like that’s something someone who could do that would say

Even reading back what I’ve written here it seems to me like what someone trying to manipulate people would say. I know I’m not consciously trying to manipulate people, the only time I’ve ever done that is when I was waiting tables and I was god awful at it. But again that last sentence sounds like what someone trying to manipulate ppl into thinking they can’t manipulate ppl.

I don’t know I’m just digging myself a deeper hole in my head. I feel like I’ve tricked everyone into thinking I’m a good person, or I’m smart, or I’m a hard worker.

If anyone knows what to do it would be great. The more I think about it the more confused I am

#mental health #I’ve felt guilty since I was 11 #am i a bad person #mental illness #actually mentally ill #imposter syndrome #advice #manipulation #mental heath support #mentally unstable #help my sanity #send help #manipulative #narcissistic

[poppyknitt]

can’t stop thinking about how i’ve been so heavily brainwashed that all drugs are bad by the school system that i hear about someone taking medication and i jump to “how does it affect you” instead of “how does it help you”. i never express this openly but it genuinely upsets me that we as a society associate medication with bad things instead of what it should be — physical and mental aids. This also applies to weed and (microdoses of) ketamine. These are things that we know help some people with their minds, and yet they’re illegal and heavily stigmatized because they have other effects. And sure, ketamine IS dangerous, but that’s when you’re not microdosing it. We have studies going on RIGHT NOW that are showing that ketamine, when microdosed, is actually beneficial to depressed folks. Who knows what other benefits it could have? Hell, what benefits do other drugs have when microdosed? How can we use these things to actually help our society instead of detriment it by pushing them away? I just. I think about this sometimes because I wonder how the world would be if we actually tried to help our (much) less than fortunate folk.

(and before you ask ‘why don’t you start the research yourself’ i would if i could. But I have a handful of issues keeping me from taking even the first step into that field.)

Just. Stop to think about this, okay? Instead of treating addiction as a form of coping we need to help guide someone away from (and to a better form of coping hopefully), we treat it as a horrible disease we have to get rid of. But why can’t we just give these people access to the therapies they need in the places they need them in, instead of forcing these people to recover on their own? Money. We started all this shit for money, as far as I’m aware. Oh yeah, and racism, but I’m not going to dive into that because I’m white and I don’t have the right to speak on POC issues. So let’s stick to the topic of money: We (this is a hypothesis I have, I am basing this on my prior knowledge of the world) started forcing people to recover from their addictions alone because that generates money in the form of relapses, right? We (the people with power over this issue, really) can’t just let these individuals get better because we know that them struggling is going to get us more money. And sure, relapse is part of recovery, but in my experience with mental health issues, taking steps, leaps, or strides backwards because you don’t have the help you need is so much worse than taking steps, leaps, or strides backwards when you do have that help, because no one is able to help pull you out. It just seems incredibly horrible to me that we have these issues and yet we do nothing to fix them that actually works because we have taught ourselves that the issues are the fault of the people who have them and not the fault of the chemicals in their brain or whatever.

i don’t have insight on how this affects people with physical disabilities unfortunately but having seen my sister have to go off of weed for proper meds makes me feel a little upset for her because i can see that she’s not as relaxed, and she doesn’t even have a physical disability. so like sure weed probably can’t help your physical symptoms but surely it works to keep your mind off of things? I’ll ask my friends with physical disabilities about this.

If you can’t tell, I am pro-legalization. But not anti-regulation. I think these things should be prescription drugs. I think they need to be heavily regulated but legalized, so that people cannot lace and cannot mix things to make their drugs “better” and exacerbate the clients’ addictions. I think they should be pharmaceuticals. I think they need to be turned into something cheap but effective for the illnesses people are already treating with them, just knocked down on dosage so that they don’t cause addiction as quickly or as horribly. We shouldn’t treat it like we did opioids, of course, but we cannot treat it the way we’ve been treating it. Modern attitudes towards this subject are actively worsening addiction and worsening mental illnesses as a whole. Damage done to people suffering from addiction is damage done to all of us, and we need to remember that as a world. It’s no wonder we have so much going on in the minds of our youth, we keep shoving these horrible, ableist rhetorics down their throats so that when they do inevitably get one of the issues related to the rhetorics, they start to hate themselves for it when in reality they had no control over it.

#disability #medication #drugs #drugs and society #i have the gifted kid burnout syndrome shit #so please don’t tell me to do this myself #i will cry #also i am gonna run this by my friends with disabilities to get their thoughts too #because i am not disabled just mentally ill #like severely mentally ill #… thats a disability but. i do not consider myself disabled and thats probably internalized ableism but w/e #new topic for my next therapy session! #feel free to reblog with your thoughts on this matter as i am uneducated on it #i would love to learn more this is just my brain mush on a post

[briamichellewrites]

73

“You have everything! What do I have that you don't", Phoenix yelled.

"A father", Bria said.

He stopped and stared at her as realization hit him. She was right. He had forgotten that she had lost both of her parents. Tears were rolling down his face. I'm sorry. She hugged him tightly and held him. How did the argument start? He couldn't remember. Since using cocaine and Adderall with Chester and Kyle, his emotions were out of control.

His mind wanted more pills or more of anything to get him high. He didn't want to feel anything.

She told him she loved him. He loved her too. That was the truth. He loved her so much. She was part of his life forever. He wanted to hold her while also wanting to push her away. When he calmed down, he wiped his tears. At home, the house was quiet. His girls were with his father for spring break. Guilt got to him again as he thought about that.

He took two pills. They gave him energy and he felt restless. He had to do something, so he cleaned his house. It would be cleaner than it ever had been before. It would be sparkling clean! The drug worked for four to six hours. He did nothing except clean, clean, clean. What time was it? He didn’t know. Dishes… laundry… cleaning the bathrooms… cleaning all of the rooms… vacuum… dust… he had never been so clean in his life!

He dusted every little thing, even the tough-to-reach spots. His mother would be so proud of him! He imagined her telling him where to clean next. Good job, David! It looks great! He grinned as he moved around the house. Top to bottom. Did he clean the microwave? Better do it again just to be sure. What about the speck of dust on the floor? Better vacuum that up.

Phoenix! Phoenix! PHOENIX! He turned around and saw Mike. What the hell are you doing? He turned off the vacuum.

“It’s ten thirty in the morning! We were meeting at nine!”

“Oh, shit. Sorry. I lost track of time.”

“You couldn’t sleep, so you decided to vacuum?”

“Yeah. I had too much caffeine yesterday.”

Brad was not happy when he finally got to the studio. He wanted to talk to him, but not in front of everyone. Adderall. He was losing focus. If he took another pill, then they would know. He was antsy and was trying to hide it. He had to cross his legs to keep them from bouncing. Chester looked at him. He knew why he was late. If he said anything, he would implicate himself. He had to stay sober for a week because Talinda’s lawyer was going to test him for drugs and alcohol.

Adderall. Adderall. Adderall. He participated but his mind was halfway out the door. During their break, he went into the bathroom. He closed the stall door behind him and locked it. The door opened, as he took one of the pills from his pocket. He was about to swallow it but he heard Brad talking to someone. Instead, he took it out of his mouth and put it in his pocket.

“I don’t know. Something is going on. I’ve never seen him like this before. He’s… something is going on. Maybe he relapsed. I hope not.”

“Let me talk to him”, Mike said.

He didn’t hear Brad saying anything. Just the door closing behind him. He came out and saw Mike waiting for him. Phoenix. He sighed and asked him what he wanted. What’s going on? Nothing. He was just going through a hard time with his depression. Was he drinking? No. That was the truth. He hadn’t had a drink since he went to rehab.

“Mike, I love you and I know you’re looking out for me. I’m okay. I promise.”

“What happened today?”

“I couldn’t sleep. I told you. I lost track of time.”

“Don’t do it again. Brad will be on your ass.”

“I won’t. I’ll go to bed early tonight.”

Dude! Did you take too many pills? – Chester

I only took two then I cleaned my house. I should have set an alarm because I had way too much energy. I was just going and going and going. I almost blew it with Mike. He and Brad are watching me like hawks. I can’t fuck up again. – Phoenix

Holy shit! Dude! I’m coming over tonight! – Chester

When they got to his place, he looked around in shock. Did he take fucking meth? No. What the hell did he do? They went to his living room and sat down. He didn’t even think about what he was doing. It was just go, go, go. He had to do something because he was restless. His body had to move around. Then, he was going to take it in the bathroom but he heard Brad talking about him.

“I fucked up.”

“I don’t know, man”

They went up to his room. In the bathroom, he found a handheld mirror. After pouring the powder out, he separated it into lines. Chester walked out after giving him a dollar bill. This was his fault. He had his best friend addicted to drugs. After a few minutes, he came back and found him energized. He kissed him and took off his shirt.

Chester kissed him back and brought him to the bed. Brad and Mike talked to Rob. He reported that Chester was spending a lot of time with Phoenix. The last time he came home, it was late. He was almost like a teenager trying to sneak in. They thanked him and had him promise not to say anything. They were going to watch both him and Phoenix. He promised to pretend like he didn’t know anything. Thank you. Chester came back an hour later.

He was sober but pumped up. Rob was in the kitchen making dinner when he came in. What was he making? It was a veggie burger. Did he want to try it? No, thanks. He went to the refrigerator and looked for something to eat. For the rest of the night, they watched TV together while he prepared his evidence.

Talinda and her lawyer were demanding a lot from him for the divorce. He was never getting married again. Twice was enough. They were fighting over custody, spousal support, and whatever else she could get from him.

He closed the folder before leaning back and closing his eyes. Was he okay? If he continued looking at the papers, he would go insane. He told him not to get married. Rob joked he would need a girlfriend first. He was still young, so he had time. He thanked him for thinking about him. You are welcome.

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @alina-dixon @fiickle-nia

[rianafying]

tw depression??

is this something people give tw about? idk i just wanna be clear. i have completely relapsed back into crippling depression, absolutely paralysed and isolated and… well… depressed

nothing is right and i am unable to do anything. i’m sorry but i can’t. i’m hurting physically because of my psoriasis and heartburn. my room is dirty my hair is dirty i am incompetent and uncomfortably fat. and i’m bleeding from at least 10 patches on my body. my room smells like the packet of chips i had last night and it’s making me sick, it smells so sour and salty and it’s making my gastric so much worse.

and i know……

so i will knock it right off

winter is over and my bed is too hot already. i liked it when it was cold. i hate this climate. sorry earth. i know we made you worse, please forgive us and let things go back to how they were? fresh start?

how is everyone else functioning? i’m so burned out and depressed severely depressed and everything is so uncertain. honestly i’d be completely cured if olive have me a rlly long and tight hug and called me his baby. oh god why am i like this. idk that would just make me so happy.

which reminds me of this little piece right here^

hahah so uhhhh it makes sense or at least thus is a possible explanation that i can peacefully live with.

yeah i guess this conclusion is better than the alternative and feeling guilty about possibly being a boy crazy baby because society™️.

also, what about god? where is god in all of this? yeah i’m directly calling you out. girl help.

[roseandpatchouli]

someone is starting to act like a snowflake and gatekeeping a mental illness as if it’s their identity, lol. for the record, bipolar is chronic. i’ve had it since i was 13, when i was still borederline. I’ve shifted from therapist to therapist and currently go to a psychiatrist in which my entire fam also goes to. two of my 50 y/o cousins have a mental illness. i’ve been battling bipolar 1 for as long as i can remember, my dad is undiagnosed bipolar and a former addict, my 40 y/o cousin is dealing with severe depression that she had to resign from work, and needed my mom’s help break the news to her boss because she couldn’t do it on her on. i’ve been borederline diagnosed bipolar for most of my life, and it only finally went full swing during the pandemic and went batshit crazy from isolation. during mint, i cut myself during prod week with a pen, in the girls bathroom because i made a mistake (which wasn’t even mine) but and felt like i screwed up, like the mess was all my fault, i needed to go home and i missed the show, ofc i didn’t tell the prod team that. and the prod team hated me for it for the rest of the school year. i attempted suicide during my break when i was at home, by drowning two bottles of a big litre of isopropyl alcohol, yeah. i finished it. after that i was confined three times, 1 during college days, 2 during the pandemic for going violent. my 50 y/o cousin was the same, my dad’s had to pull her away from a family gathering where she had a panic attack, sent to the psych ward for 5. She’s a mom of a special kid and one teenaged son, who used to have anger issues. can you imagine how hard that is! when i was twelve, I watched her being dragged away from a family dinner while she was going manic. And the same shit almost happens and i relapse, sui attempt and manic attack where i almost hit my own mom on my own manic state a la rue. mx, i’ve had this chronic mental illness since 2014, my 50 year old cousin has had it longer, my dad has had it since the 80’s — you ain’t special and don’t own ownership of it. you’re not the first and only one to have it, and won’t be the last, funny how people call me the snowflake but you’re the one gatekeeping a mental illness that affects millions of people — don’t be a snowflake. at this point you’re the one who looks fucking stupid, because here i am, doing my own year of rest and relaxation. i’m already not on tiktok anymore, i’ve decided to stick with close friends and family and my socials are priv. i’m already going abroad in December to art school. i’m literally doing a my year of rest and relaxation rn, at this point idek pls u look stupid and if i’m defensive? yes i am. because at this point, ur painting yourself like the good guy trying to “help me?” when u first called me out, the only thing i saw was a mirror of your own self, and heck, i thought that was so manipulative, you’re the one trying to purposely piss me off and then deflect and say it’s not me, mx ma’am, i’m a virgo and leo moon, as a fellow astro you’d know what that’s like, as a virgo u can’t fool me and as a fellow leo u look fuckin’ stupid trying to do so. i was the one who did the same thing to you when you did to me, when u didn’t even consider for a fact at the time i was with my parents. thanks for the clout i never asked for, ig. oh and your mindset? you sound like a prepubescent teen, who’d fight with their parents constantly.

#vent #idek #but ifk yk #hi stalker #and now u gonna sue me for libel for u doing the same thing to me? #what a hypocrite

[seraphares]

So I just wanna talk about some stuff going on with me

I’m 90% sure I have clinical depression, or major depressive disorder. Haven’t been diagnosed yet so I can’t say for certain but I’m pretty sure I am. Pretty sure I have some kind of anxiety too, which I’m not sure if it exacerbates the depression or vice versa but having both of those things going has been really bad for me. Also fairly certain a lot of this is caused by some feeling of loneliness, which I am physically alone most of the time but also I just generally feel like I can’t talk to people or that even if I do talk to people they don’t actually care about me in a way that matters to me. The reason I’m pretty sure I have depression without being diagnosed yet is cuz of something I know for sure I do have without getting a real diagnosis, which I don’t really want to share what that is cuz I don’t want to worry people more than I already feel like I am by just saying I’m not doing well right now. I also just didn’t wanna say anything before cuz I didn’t want certain people to say “she’s just trying to guilt trip” or “she’s lying” or whatever, cuz frankly I don’t trust a lot of people here. And like I don’t want to worry people cuz it just makes me feel bad for making other people feel any sort of negative way, but then at the same time if I never get like any reaction at all then I do end up having thoughts of like “oh they don’t care about me” or “I’m being ignored which means I’m not needed” or whatever which fucking sucks to have and then I feel bad for saying this just cuz like I don’t want people to think I’m trying to make them feel bad or whatever. And I also just generally feel better when I talk about things so yeah

But yeah just a lot of this stuff has led me to isolate myself from people, whether intentionally or not, and honestly makes me incredibly paranoid about people, which I can atleast say I probably don’t have like any actual paranoia disorder since I don’t usually completely believe in whatever the hell my brain is saying. But it still leaves me incredibly anxious and angry just to feel the things it does says, which are just general paranoia of people talking about me behind my back or trying to keep others away from me for whatever reason, people just generally hating me, people not actually caring about me, people not needing me, etc. and it just really fucking sucks and ends up feeding into the really big issue I have that I’d rather not talk about right now.

I’ve been struggling with this since the beginning of the year, probably even longer than that but just not as bad as it’s gotten since January. I did go to counseling while I was at school this semester but I’m not at school now and counseling is expensive, but I realize I need to go back soon cuz I’m fairly certain I’m starting to relapse just cuz of certain thoughts I’m having that are pretty close to what I was thinking when I decided the first time I need to go to counseling. Hopefully I could get an actual diagnosis and maybe get medication at least if I need it. I’ve also been thinking of getting a cat just so I wouldn’t be so alone, the only thing with that is it’s also expensive to have a pet and I worry about if I’d really be able to take care of one since I’ve never had a cat or anything really similar to one I feel, and also just feeling bad for taking one in just cuz of my own problems even if I really have always wanted one.

I don’t think there’s anything else I wanna say besides like the big thing, but again I don’t wanna really say it out loud just cuz of generally not wanting to worry people. But yeah, I’m dealing with that right now and it sucks

#cw depressive thoughts #cw depression #cw anxiety #cw paranoia #i don’t know if I got all the tags right but hopefully I did

[tvseries-writings]

Masterlist

I accept requests

Click here

Buy me a coffee

MARVEL

[series]

WANDANAT X READER

~ Soulmates (still writing)

Wandanat x reader

Reader finally finds her soulmates

TW: suicide attempt (in the past), hints of eating disorders

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

Part VI

Part VII

Part VIII

Part IX

Part X

Part XI

[requests/oneshot]

WANDANAT X READER

- See you in a minute

Wandanat x reader

Reader goes on a mission with Bobbi, Daisy, Jemma and Maria but the mission goes wrong.

TW: panic attack, death of the character

- Live for them

Wandanat x reader

Can you write a fic where the reader has nightmares and Natasha and Wanda (her girlfriends) cuddle her? I need love <3

- Full of study

Wandanat x reader

Can you write a fic in which Reader is really focused on studying and doesn't care about herself and her body collapses?

[Part 2]

- You’re not alone

Wandanat x reader

Reader is depressed and relapsing

TW: suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, self-harm

- Old Habits

Wandanat x reader

Reader makes a mistake on a mission that puts a teammate in danger; her feelings of guilt will lead her to fall into old habits

TW: self-harm

- Paris, oh Paris

WandaNat x reader

Prompt: Hi sweetie, can I make you a wandanat x reader request where Wanda, Natasha and the reader go on vacation somewhere (like Paris) and the reader is afraid of the plane for some mission gone wrong and also is self-harming so bring a sweatshirt even though it is so hot outside and therefore the reader faints (either from the heat or from some problem she had on the last mission, such as a cardiac arrest) or something like that? Thanks 😊

TW: self-harm, panic attack

-You’re destiny has already been written

Wandanat x reader

Prompt: Hi, I have a request idea if you are still making those ^^’ so it’s a wandanat x reader. Reader goes with Nat and Clint to vormir and she stops Natasha from jumping. And when everyone come back Natasha’s like extremely mad at her because for reader’s decision Laura has to take care of the kids alone and reader doesn’t know what to do, and wanda’s like trying to sort everything out but nat ends up breaking with reader and yeah… probably with a happy ending but whatever you would want xD

TW: death of the minor character, mention of suicidal thoughts

-Better than before

Wandanat x reader

Prompt: Love your Marvel stuff! Could you do one that is Wanda x Nat x reader. Reader doesn’t know what going on with herself. She feels different than normal. Unknowingly depression is setting in. In a room full of people she feels so alone. She hides her self harm from Wanda and nat for as long as as she can. She slowly pulls away from everything and everyone. Wanda bad Nat try to reach her, but reader pushes them away too. Reader is in denial anything is wrong bc nothing really triggered these feelings of isolation. Wanda and Nat are desperate to save reader from herself. Nat or Wanda walk in in reader self harming and reader fights with all her strength, so desperate to cling to the one thing that gives her control, while Nat or Wanda calls for the other lover to help.

TW: depression, self-harm

- Let me sleep

WandaNat x reader

Prompt: the reader can’t take it anymore

TW: suicide

- Cuddles and fever

WandaNat x reader

Prompt: when the reader has a fever, her girls take care of her

- Stress Kills

Prompt: Hello!! I really love your work and I was wondering if you can write something -WandaNat- so reader is very stressed and barely have time to rest because it’s just been really messy lately but reader tried to get everything under control again but it never worked so one day reader just stops doing everything and just being unresponsive-because of the stress- I don’t know if this makes any sense but I’ve been stressed lately and your stories are the only thing that keeps me sane.. also this is my first request I really hope you get this.. thank you!!😌

TW: stress, depression (?), panic attack.

- We deserve a happy ending

WandaNat x reader

Prompt: reader isn’t in a good mood but she has two beautiful and cuddly girlfriends

TW: panic attack

- Just like the others

WandaNat x reader

Prompt: Hi!! How are you?? I hope you’re feeling better!! This is probably annoying but can I request another one?? So Y/n and WandaNat are having a fight because wandanat is stressed from work and when they came home it was messy because Y/n just had a mental breakdown -but they didn’t know- so they yell at her and Y/n started having panic attacks because of the yelling but it took them quite a long time to notice. Fluff in the end tehe!! Also I just wanna tell you that your stories get me through a lot, you’re amazing!!❤️ (feel free to skip this request if you’re busy or tired and needs rest! I hope you’re doing fine!!). Thank you so much!! Sorry for requesting again tehe 🙃

TW: mention of suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, mention of depression

- Love Crimes

WandaNat x reader

Prompt: justice can be tasty with the right women (vampire!reader, vampire!Natasha, witch!Wanda)

TW: blood

- Difficult choises

WandaNat x reader

Prompt: Fear leads the reader to bullshit ... maybe her girlfriends, Natasha and Wanda, will be able to fix it.

[ PART 2 ]

- Secret Plan

WandaNat x reader

Prompt: The reader does her own thing after a fight with Steve. It wasn't her best idea

- Time to Celebrate

Wandanat x reader

Prompt: how about a wandanat x reader where it’s y/n’s birthday and suppose to have the day off but fury decided to send us on a mission and then we got hurt and wandanat almost killed fury (: OOH! And they’re just babying reader and stuff like that because reader is hurt?? Tehe!! (And lots of cuddles and hugs yeay!)

- Christmas

Wandanat x reader

Prompt: Christmas in Italy can be...challenging.

- Only one

Wandanat x reader

Request: Hey! ♥️ hope you’re doing good. I was wondering if you would write something, where reader is in self harm recovery and is about to relapse one night, but decides to call Nat and Wanda instead? Maybe they come over and distracts them like maybe they brought food? Idk thanks anyways. I really like your writing.

TW: self-harm

- Hidden Past

Wandanat x reader

Prompt: The reader has hidden something .. but you know, everything comes to the surface sooner or later

TW: past suicide attempt, eating disorder

- It's all Peter Parker's fault

Wandanat x reader

Prompt: the reader pranks their girlfriends, Peter is her accomplice but things don't end well for her and her girlfriends don't like the joke.

TW: injuries, blood.

- Something went wrong

Wandanat x reader

Prompt: A mission goes wrong and the reader is seriously injured ... the consequences change her life and the only thing that comes to her mind is to drive away any person. Including her girls.

TW: heart attack, blindness

- At every step

Wandanat x reader

Prompt: Would you do something where wandanat x reader have just started dating and Wanda and Nat don't know about readers issues. they walk in on them self harming and then yeah I'll let you decide from there

TW: self-harm

- Everything is too much

Wandanat x reader

Request: Could you do an introverted Reader that is trying to find time to be alone to recharge their batteries, but being at the compound around a bunch of extroverted heroes it’s hard to find that quiet time. R is at their breaking point when Wanda or Natasha recognizes something is wrong. She doesn’t know how to help R but tries her best.

- Amor Vincit Omnia

Wandanat x reader

Request:  6 and 71 from the prompt list perhaps?   6. “ Why didn’t you say anything?”  71. “I took Nyquil instead of Dayquil and now I’m about to pass out”

- Magic always has a price

Wandanat x reader

Prompt: As she tries to get Natasha back, Wanda discovers that magic always has a price. Too bad that the only one who remembers everything is you.

WANDANAT X DAUGHTER!READER

- Together

Wandanat x daughter!reader

Prompt: Hi, so I have a request idea the reader is Wandanats child and and has an ED, and Wanda and Nat decided to take her to a mental health camp, but when they visit her they see that r started cutting again, and when they take r home they are afraid that r will take their life so they become overprotective especially when they see r with sharp things, because reader is still not self harm free, the rest can be up to you 🙃

TW: eating disorder, self-harm

Part I

Part II

WANDANAT X BIOQUAKE X READER ~

WANDA X NATASHA X JEMMA X DAISY X READER [series]

- Road Trip

Wanda x Natasha x Jemma x Daisy x reader

Prompt: I love your works so much! Can we please have one where my girls Wanda, Nat, Jemma and Skye and fem!reader are on their way to a girls trip when they get into an accident. Besides a few scratches the girls are alright except the reader. They try keep her conscious but its getting harder and all of them are getting insanely emotional and worried

Part I

Part II

Part III Road Trip Masterlist

- If it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger

Daisy x Jemma x platonicsister!reader

Prompt: I love your works so so much wow. Can I please request one where Jemma and Daisy have come to love fem!reader as their little sister. Instead of Daisy getting shot its R and Jemma and Daisy are the first one to find her barely lifeless body and they try to keep her awake and stop the bleeding. Please make jt as angsty and long as you want

- Baby's crying

Wandanat x reader x Bioquake

Request: If possible, you should write another wanda x natasha x reader x jemma x daisy. Maybe pregnant reader with a happy ending. If not its alright! I hope you have a great day, also btw I love your stories!

- Breaking Point

Wandanat x reader (platonic bioquake x bobbi x reader)

Prompt: The reader comes to a breaking point… and can only see one solution.

TW: suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt.

MCU CAST X READER

- Not your fault

Elizabeth Olsen x Scarlett Johansson x reader

Prompt: Hi, I have a request idea where the reader gets hurt during filming, for example a concussion, (she works on the MCU set) and she is engaged to Elizabeth and Scarlett, they become very worried and take care of her. Thanks :)

- Misunderstandings

Scarlett Johansson x reader

Prompt: hii! are your requests open? if so could you make a scarlett johansson x reader fic where the reader is also an mcu cast and they both have a crush on each other but they're both oblivious and scar usually goes to chris evans for advice but that makes the reader think they're dating so she distances herself to scar and then scar gets hurt and sad as to why she's not talking to her and then they both confess their feelings to each other and its all cute? you don't have to if you don't wanna!! but thank you sm if you do i need sum scar 😫😫

NATASHA X READER

-The right time

Natasha x reader

Prompt: Heyy bestie can i pls request a natasha x reader where R finds out she's pregnant? like maybe they did sperm donation or something and she tells nat and nat starts crying and its all really fluffy :)) thank you sm!!

- This world sucks without you

Natasha x reader

Prompt: after Vormir, after Thanos’ defeat…the reader can’t live without Natasha

TW: death, suicide

- The punishment you deserve

Dom!Natasha x sub!reader

Prompt: Saying "fuck you" to your girlfriend, in front of all the Avengers was not your brightest idea and when your punishment comes, you realize it.

TW: smut

- Mommy

Alpha!Natasha x omega!reader

Prompt: RPGs can be really interesting 

TW: not real non-con

- Last Step

Natasha x reader

Prompt:  Could you write something where the reader has reached her last straw and has everything in place to kill herself but Nat walks in last minute and has to fight to stop her?

TW: suicidal thoughts, suicidal attempt.

- Submission

Sub!Natasha x dom!reader

Prompt: SUB NAT LASHING OUT ON FEM READER BUT THEN READER GETS MAD AND PUNISHES NAT, MAYBE HAVING ANOTHER ONE OF THE AVENGERS WATCH OR SMTH SO HUMILIATE NAT

- Prompts 1 and 9

Natasha x reader

Request: Heyy Hope you’re doing alright- For the prompts I would love to read 1. “[…], you’re bleeding.” And 9. “Hey, why are you walking like that?” With nat and reader you can decide who’s hurt.

TW: bleeding, injuries

PEGGY CARTER X READER

- Love is not always easy

Peggy Carter x reader

Request: hi sorry i don’t really know how to use tumblr so I hope im making this request in the right way. But anyway can you make a fic where instead of Peggy getting impaled by the rebar in 2x05 it’s the reader and they drive to violets house and she takes care of her, but here’s the thing the reader and Peggy are in love but because of the time they have to keep it a secret. p.s. I love your fics sm keep it up - a fellow italian <3 (I saw that in your bio and I loved it).

TW: bleeding, injuries.

THE 100

CLARKE X LEXA X OCTAVIA X RAVEN

- Cold from Snow

Clexa x Octaven

Prompt: Clarke Griffin believes she is a burden to everyone, even her girlfriends.  Better to freeze to death than to be a burden, right?

NANCY DREW

NANCY DREW X READER

- Truth Spell

Nancy Drew x reader

Request:  if that's fine with you, i was thinking of an imagine based on 3x10 in which the reader confesses her feelings for nancy under the truth spell? maybe nancy noticed how tensed she has been lately (due to seeing nancy and park getting closer) and asks her what's wrong at the party and she blurs out she has feelings for her

THE WITCHER

TISSAIA X YENNEFER X READER

- Sometimes a Flower is not just a Flower

Tissaia x Yennefer x reader (platonic!sabrina x reader)

Prompt: Thanedd with a third person around

TW: bleeding, past suicide attempt.

SUPERGIRL

SUPERCORP X READER

- But it worth

Kara x Lena x reader

Request: Would you be willing to do supercorp x reader (if not supercorp then wandanat) where reader feels alone and upset, they become reckless on missions and it is noticed by the two others. They confront reader and they break down, fluff ending or really any ending you want. (I don't know if you do supercorp, so wandanat is also good)

STATION 19

MAYA X CARINA X READER

- Heat Kills

Maya x Carina x reader

Prompt: Reader has an heatstroke caused by an intensive workout.

- Endgame

Maya x Carina x reader

Request: How about one, where the two come back home from a hard day and just want to cuddle with R and watch some movies etc., but they can't find R anywhere. One of them enters the bedroom and sees a letter, which turns out to be a suicide note, which, obviously, scares them a lot.So they (frantically) continue looking for R and notice that the bathroom door is closed, so they get a spear key to open it (or just kick it open lol) and see R in the bathtub, wrists c*t open and the water having turned red.

TW: suicide attempt

- Heart Problems

Maya x Carina x reader

[PART 1]

[PART 2]

Prompt: Reader knows that hiding something to her girlfriends it’s not a good idea but chest pain it’s not something that they will just ignore, right?

TW: heart problems, heart attack.

- Hard Choices, hard life

Maya x Carina x reader

Prompt: Reader comes to a point of no return.

TW: depression, suicide attempt, ocd, pills

I accept requests

Click here

#marvel #mcufam #natasha romanoff #wanda maximoff #wandanat #black widow #wanda x natasha x reader #natasha x reader #wanda x reader #fanfiction #daisy johnson #jemma simmons #agents of shield #avengers #avengers x reader #iron man #captain america #captain marvel #maria hill #sharon carter #peggy carter #bruce banner #mcu fic #fanfic #natasha x daughter!reader #eating disoder mention #elizabeth x scarlett x reader #elizabeth olsen x you #elizabeth olsen x reader #scarlett johansson x reader

[itsthestutterforme]

Used (Spencer Reid and Hotchner)

Y/N was pissed at Reid for snapping at her for no reason while he was withdrawing from his drug. One case in particular, Y/N was kidnapped and raped by the unsub. They found her in one of the rooms after they discovered the unsub and they took her to the hospital.

Characters: Spencer Reid, Jason Gideon, Aaron Hotcher, Jennifer Jareu, Emily Prentiss, Garcia

Warnings: rape, mentions of rape, sadness, depression

--

Walking to my desk, I accidentally make eye contact with Reid. I look up towards Hotch's office and sigh deeply. Me and Reid are at a cross roads. I profiled that he was withdrawing from a drug and came for every vice I had. He mentioned that he only liked me for my body. And that really got to me because I was told that all throughout high school. It's the main reason why I have trust issues now.

He even brought my dead brother into it by saying that I was probably the reason why he committed suicide. And that was the last straw. I slapped him across the face and stormed out of his apartment. "Y/N," he starts and I walk right passed him. "Ouch," I hear Morgan say. I set my stuff down on the desk and I sit down in my spinning chair.

I cross my legs and take out my sketch book. I cannot stop thinking about this flower that I keep seeing in my dream. I'm not sure what it means, but I'll figure it out eventually. "Oh this is going to be good," I hear Morgan say. "Y/N, please talk to me." "I have nothing to say to you," I say without looking up from the sketch book. "I.. I'm a week clean," He whispers. "Good for you," I say, still not looking up.

"Conference room," Hotch calls and I stand up from my desk. I grab my bag and walk to the conference room for the briefing. There was a trail of female bodies along the Vermont state line. The most disgusting part is that the killer would rape them before and after death. There was something pulling deep into my stomach, and I know I should listen to it.

"You alright?" Hotch asks, snapping me out of my thoughts. I realized that I was the only one still sitting at the table. "Yeah," I sling my bag over my shoulder and follow Hotch to the plane. "You feel it don't you?" "Feel what?" "The connection to this case. There's something about it that you can't shake." "How do I get rid of it?" "You don't. Just trust what it says."

**

"I'm going to order some Chinese. Anyone want anything?" I ask, standing from the table. The entire team bursted into conversation, telling me what they wanted me to order. "Whoa, whoa, just text it to me please." I stretch out my limbs from sitting down for hours on end. "I'll come with," Reid offers. "Pass," I say before closing the door.

I hop into the car and drive to the nearest Chinese place. The team each sent me $10 through Venmo and I transfer the money over to pay for the food. I heard heavy foot steps behind me and right when I turned around, I was hit over the head. Pain travels through my skull as black wisps cloud my vision. A pair of thick arms caught me and that was the last thing I left.

Third Person POV

The unsub followed Y/N from the Monteplier police station. He was lingering around the crime scenes to see the reactions of agents. That was until he saw Y/N and everything changed. He flipped his MO so his victims matched Y/N to the T. Y/H/C hair, Y/E/C eyes, medium and althetic build.

Reid was the first one to notice that it was a long time since Y/N came back with the food. Soon after, the sheriff bursts in to tell us that the owner of Chinese restaurant saw Y/N get abducted. "What?" Hotch says. "Oh God," JJ says, holding her side. "We're going to find her, guys. Don't lose hope." Hotch says.

It's been three days and they still haven't found Y/N. He only keeps his victims for four days, so they are running out of time. The unsub had been so obsessed with Y/N that it nearly drove him insane that he couldn't be near her. He saw it as a sign when he saw her leave the police station alone. As soon as he took her to his basement, he wasted no time digging into her.

He used a sharpened switched blade to cut into her chest and stomach. She tried to contain her cries but failed. High pitched shrills left her mouth and he cut into her. He continued to do so every day since he captured her. Reid was getting more antsy by the hour. He wasn't much of a help, considering how many different circles his brain was running in.

Emily, Hotch, Rossi and Garcia consulted and found where the unsub lived. They bursted down the door and Morgan tackled him as he was making his way over to Y/N. While Morgan was cuffing him, Reid rushed into the room to see Y/N hiding in the corner. He slowly approached her and when he tried to touch her she flinched.

"Don't touch me! You leave me alone!" she snaps. "Okay, everybody out. Too many people in here will add to her trauma." Hotch says as he puts away his gun. "Reid, come on," Hotch adds. Reid stands up and rushed passed everyone. Even after he tried to save her, she still hates him. He was barely fighting the voices in his head telling him to relapse.

Hotch sits down next to her with his arms wrapped around his knees. He watched as Y/N shook from fear. Judging by the bruising around her neck and wrists, plus her ripped clothes, he knew what happened. Her eyes were wide opened and tears escaped her ears. She was in shock. "Y/N, I'm so sorry we didn't get to you in time. I.. you deserved better."

Aaron remembered a moment they shared about their parents. He remember her saying that her parents used to hold her hand and trace the words 'safe now' whenever she felt her anxiety spikes were coming. Aaron slowly touched her hand and she winced. "It's okay,". He wrote the word safe on the inside of her palm. More tears left her eyes as she looked down at their hands.

He opens his arms and she rushed into them. She started to unravel under his touch and comforting words. Aaron also knew that he couldn't leave her side after she opened up. He knows that she doesn't do such things with ease and especially after this. "I'm going to pick you up now, alright?" He stands up and lifts her off the ground with his arms under her legs and arms.

Y/N blocked out everyone's voices and sounds as he held onto Hotch's neck. "She opened up to you?" Reid asks in disbelief. "Barely," Hotch says as he walks her to the ambulance. "And Reid?" "Yeah?" "Don't make this about you. She's going to need everyone's support," he states.

#aaron hotch x reader #spencer reid x reader #criminal minds #trauma

[theodorecanaryhood]

jason todd x reader where the reader breaks up with jason and he is just going through it

Breaking the habit

Thank you @yourcatcoffeeaddictfan for the suggestion! Hope you all like

Some sad bits and some swearing, but a nice ending.

Jason Todd x female reader

Jason was a recovering alcoholic when he met you 3 years ago, he made it quite clear from the start.

'Get all the judgment out the way' he said, he never sugar coated stuff with you. What you see is what you get.

Things were great at first but now was different, he seemed distant and angry. More angry than usual.

You lay in bed alone one night looking at the clock beside the bed, 2.30am. You sighed and sat up, realising sleep wasn't a thing tonight.

You stood in the kitchen drinking a cup of tea when the front door to your apartment pushed open, you heard a shuffle into the apartment and a mumbling Jason.

Jason fumbled with the lock as he swayed a little, you watched him in amusement as he must have had a rough night on patrol.

'Hey stud, need a hand with the lock?' You asked smiling, Jason just looked shocked at you. Like he wasn't expecting you.

'Shit doll, I didn't wake you did I?' Jason asked slurring a little. You shook your head, you walked over and locked the front door, sniffing at Jason a little. Looking him in the eyes.

'What is that smell?' You asked him serious, Jason just went red in the face and broke down in tears.

Jason walked off into the kitchen as you followed questioning what was wrong, Jason seemed to want to get away from you.

'Jason, have you been drinking?' You asked, deadpanned. Jason just looked at you, then to the floor.

'Yes, just one drink' Jason said, you folded your arms.

'One? You smell like the entire bar Jason' you scalded, Jason got mad at you now.

'I can handle one night of drinking y/n, I don't need your shit' he shouted, you chuckled.

'You can't handle one night Jason, you're an alcoholic. Recovering alcoholic at that, you've been sober for 4 years' you said, sadness and disappointment in your voice at the end.

'It's just once' he said, you looked mad now.

'Just tonight?' You asked, Jason had a tell when he was lying, and the tell was showing.

'Yeah'

'You're lying, I know you are. How long?' You asked, Jason turned away then turned back to you.

'A few months ok, 5 months' he replied, you looked heartbroken.

'You've been lying to me?' You asked shocked, Jason just looked guilt ridden.

'I'm sorry' he whispered, holding back the tears.

'You couldn't tell me? After everything, after all this time you lied' you shattered, you cried. Jason wanted to hold you but he knew the last thing he should do is touch you.

'Please let me explain' Jason tried to reason, but you were done.

'I want you to leave, I need you to go please' you said, tears in your eyes but you were stern.

'Babe please, y/n, I love you' Jason cried.

'I love you too, but I can't do this anymore. You have lied to me all this time, betrayed my trust and now I can't, I can't do this' you replied softly. Jason looked in shock, not knowing what to say. He went to to hug you, which to his surprise you accepted. But it hurt. Was this the last time he'd touch you?

...

Jason woke up with a pounding headache, a throb he had long forgotten until the first day after he drank again. This relapse was different, because he couldn't hide it for long. He looked over at the doorway to see Dick.

'How's your head?' Dick asked quietly, Jason just rolled his eyes and shook his head.

'I'm never drinking again, this is it' he replied. Dick smiled slightly.

'I've heard that before' Dick sat on the side of the bed.

'I mean it Dick, I've lost y/n because of this' Jason had sadness in his voice when he spoke. The events of last night still in his hazy brain. The look on your face made him tear up.

'She'll take you back, I'm sure' Dick reassured.

'She won't, not now, she was sincere in what she said' Jason replied, hint of anger in his voice. Anger at himself.

It had been a few days and you weren't taking any of Jason's calls, answering any of his texts. Jason wasn't sure how you were feeling.

'Hey, y/n texted me. She wanted me to tell you she needs some time, let her come to you' Dick said holding his phone up for Jason to see the screen. Jason was tearing up again.

'I miss her' Jason said, Dick nodded.

'I know bud, be patient' he said with a bright smile.

...

Few more weeks went by and Jason was depressed. Not moving off the couch unless to go to the bathroom or get food.

'Hey Dickie, how was work?' Jason called out to Dick who just walked in the front door.

'Was fine, have you got dressed today?' Dick asked Jason, Jason shook his head and pulled his hood up.

'Catch any criminals?' Jason asked trying to change the subject.

'Jason, B is worried and so am I. You're ot dealing with the breakup very well. Dad thinks maybe you should come out on patrol with us' Dick said softly. Jason just drew his attention back to the TV.

'I'll get back to you' Jason mumbled.

...

Patrol with a depressed and heartbroken Red Hood was a new experience, he seemed to be taking all his frustration out on the criminals.

'Take it easy' Red Robin called out to Red Hood as he punched a criminal over 10 times.

...

Bruce was making sure Jason was getting up and about, not just sitting round feeling sorry for himself.

Alfred was keeping Jason distracted with teaching him how to bake.

Dick was just Jason's shoulder to cry on if he was down.

Tim, to his own surprise, was willing to help Jason with anything he needed. But also mostly to keep and eye and make sure he didn't start killing.

Damian was the one who kept Jason from drinking mostly. Not because he was a kid, but because he was more innocent then Jason realised. He was impressionable at his age, even though he uses a sword, he still was a child.

...

Jason was doing really well now, 2 years sober and even dating new people. Nothing exclusive, just feeling around. He was walking down the street in a tailored suit when he bumped into a woman in a black skin tight dress and leather jacket.

'Y/n?' He said, you looked at him and smiled.

'Jason? Oh my' you smiled back and hugged him, he hugged you back. You kissed him on the cheek.

'How you been?' Jason asked,

'Great, just got the big promotion I was waiting for and the new apartment' you smiled brightly, 'how've you been?'.

'Awesome, 2 years sober and working hard. Dating here and there' Jason replied sincere.

'So proud, so proud you stayed on the good path' you smiled again, Jason smiled back. He was scared his feelings would flood back, but he only felt respect for you. You left him and now he knows you did it to save him.

'I better go, but it was great seeing you again Jason' you hugged him again, Jason hummed in response.

'Great to see you too, you look amazing by the way' Jason laughed, you blushed a little.

'You look really good Jason, take care of yourself. Give my love to the family'

'I will, keep in touch' Jason said. As you both parted ways, you both had a weight lifted. It was a sigh of relief. You were both doing well and didn't need each other anymore.

Jason was sure that you would've been sad like he was after, but he knew that you were genuinely happy to see him. As he was to see you.

Not all breakups are awkward!

#red hood #red hood fanfiction #red hood x reader #red hood x you #jason todd fanfiction #jason todd x reader #jason todd x y/n #jason todd x you #gotham #jason todd

[getofy]

the karasuno first years and the kind of music i think they listen to...

genre: headcanons | wc: tba | characters: tsukki, yams, kags, and hinata | cw: none | no spoilers!

a/n: i fr NEVER post. that’s my bad guys. take these headcanons i made while i was procrastinating as my apology </3. i have fics and hcs in the making but like,,, school gets in the way. anyways, ily. pls enjoy! hehe >_<.

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

TSUKISHIMA KEI -> MALE MANIPULATOR MUSIC

click here for my tsukishima kei male manipulator playlist!

DISCLAIMER: i do not associate him with the manipulative/toxic side of the male-manipulator persona, only the music part.

ex. boys don’t cry by the cure | i won’t share you by the smiths | watching him fade away by mac demarco | c’mere by interpol | it’s only sex by car seat headrest | black madona by cage the elephant | the joke isn’t funny anymore by the smiths

yeah you cannot look me in the eyes and tell me this man is not a music SNOB. like hello???? HE CARRIES HIS HEADPHONES EVERYWHERE.

tsukishima listens to the most ALARMING music a man can listen to and he is proud of it

like,, radiohead? yep. neutral milk hotel? STAPLE.

he likes being on aux

he genuinely thinks his taste is SUPERIOR to everyone else’s

and what can i say? it definitely is...this kind of music is so good bro

and no, this is not me feeding into the fanon toxic tsukki thing

it just truly gives off such *him* vibes???

LIKE TELL ME HE WOULDN’T DO HIS HW WHILE JAMMING OUT TO THE FRONT BOTTOMS!!! THATS RIGHT! YOU CAN’T!

literally idc this is SO canon in my mind

he likes super niche bands as well. it’s his thing.

music is a very important aspect of his life, and this kind just happens to suit him the best.

he def shames people for their taste in music too lol, but justifiably so since his taste is TOP TIER!!!!

“you listen to the radio? interesting...”

i hate him

he’ll put you on GOOD songs

would def dedicate a song by the cure to you

btw, he prefers the cure to the smiths

my little male manipulator vball bf <333

honorable mentions: lofi, folk-rock, whatever yamaguchi decides to play when he’s on aux (he’ll pretend to hate it but he doesn’t), also he definitely stares into the void w/ ricky montgomery playing softly in the background, also!! he had an emo phase so every once in a while he’ll relapse and binge the entirety of MCR’s discography

YAMAGUCHI TADASHI -> BEDROOM POP

ex. daft pretty boys by bad suns | oh klahoma by jack stauber | are you bored yet? by wallows | hot rod by dayglow | oh, honey baby by mustard service | generation why by conan gray | loverboy by a-wall

yams has a very diverse music taste because of tsukki, but i think this is what he gravitates towards the most. he enjoys upbeat tunes w/ depressing lyrics. and ngl i can’t blame him bc..same.

he’s the kind of guy that wouldn’t make fun of ur music taste if it was different from his (unless tsukki is with him)

idk just overall enjoys the way bedroom pop sounds!! he likes indie music and stuff like that :>

fairly proud of his music taste

i feel like he wouldn’t want to have aux though just bc he’s afraid of people judging him????

same yams, same

yeah but he totally has little dance parties in his room to clario

he’ll 100% listen to dayglow to hype himself UP before games

oh baby :((( i love him so much

misc: him and tsukki send each other songs and it’s adorable

KAGEYAMA TOBIO -> RAP?

ex. element. by kendrick lamar | u-rite by they. | idk i don’t listen to rap

okay i literally have NO CLUE what this man would listen to LOL but like,,, rap seems...fitting? after all, he IS a student athlete. as the sister of one, i can say with confidence that this is what most of them listen to.

i really can’t imagine kageyama caring too about what he listens to so i doubt he’d put a lot of thought into his music taste??

idk he’d just listen to popular stuff and vibe tbh

he wouldn’t be partial to any kind of music but this suits him the best i think

actually i take that back! i don’t think he’d willingly listen to songs with a slower tempo UNLESS he was trying to focus

stuff like classical would fs bore him

he’ll just go for whatever makes him feel empowered/hype before a game/workout, as well as whatever’s catchy

i don’t hc him to be a guy who’s super big on music so yk ://

he’ll just put on whatever he’s feeling ig

the type to respond with “oh i just listen to whatever” when asked what kind of songs he enjoys

doesn’t care abt being in aux or not

but like if he’s with hinata/tsukki he’ll want to be just to spite them

tsukki is appalled by kags’ nonchalant attitude when it comes to music

misc: his music taste would be so pitiful guys pls. Help him. HELP THIS POOR MAN!!!!!! he’d probably enjoy whatever music u put him on so long as ur nice abt it.

HINATA SHOYO -> “WHATEVER’S ON THE RADIO”

ex. fr whatever is on the radio/whatever is playing/feel-good music/rap

hinata is also not the kind of guy who is super particular about what he listens to. i think before games he’ll listen to rap/upbeat stuff to get hype (similar to kags), but overall, he’ll just listen to whatever comes on

this terrifies tsukishima. Yeah.

hinata is such a positive person that i feel like he’ll bop his head to anything with a nice beat :]

it just,,, makes sense to me idk

he’ll go on aux fs and play some nice throwback songs tho

whatever you play, he’ll like

i don’t think that he would be opposed to slower stuff tbh

that being said, he def has a playlist called ‘good vibes 🌴🔥’ filled with songs people have recommended to him that he thought were extra-good

he’ll let it play while doing hw

tbh his and kags’ brains r so full of volleyball i doubt they’d think abt trivial things like this haha

misc: in the timeskip, he listens to really calm music he can meditate to

*do not repost my work without proper credit and my explicit permission

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#anime #haikyuu!! #hq headcanons #hq tsukishima #hq kageyama #hq hinata #hq Yamaguchi #yamaguchi tadashi #tsukishima kei #Tsukki #hqhangoutnet #kageyama tobio #hinata shoyo #hinata x reader #tsukishima x reader #kageyama x reader #yamaguchi x reader #fluff

[dustjacketmusings]

The Intervention Scene: Pretty Much A Rant

I've seen a lot of really great discourse in the fandom around whether the intervention was controlling/abusive or necessary tough love. The thing is... Nesta absolutely needed an intervention. And this was an intervention. Feyre said approximately the right things at approximately the right time with approximately the right amount of structure for this to be successful. My problem is all of the approximates. It's really not clear why there was an intervention in the first place, and all of the actions following it undercut the message, or literally any message.

I charted them all out because this mess is living rent free in my brain. So here are the possible reasons why there could have been an intervention, and why the intervention itself or following actions made it fall so very flat for me.

Nesta is depressed. This is absolutely true. We see from Nesta's perspective that she is slowly killing herself. But following conversations with other characters make it clear that how Nesta sees herself is not how Cassian and other others see her. Do Feyre and Cassian know that Nesta is depressed? I honestly have no idea. And if that's the reason why they intervened... why did it take until Chapter 12 for anyone to ask how she was doing? Like - putting a depressed person in bootcamp and then never asking them how they feel, while systematically shutting down any time they want to vent is the worst idea I've ever heard. Even if Cassian is excused (maybe he didn't get the memo), Feyre could have checked up on her more. I wouldn't send my very depressed sister away without status updates more frequently than Feyre does. She also, pointedly, does not take Cassian aside to remind him to treat her sister with kindness. This is not even to say that the bootcamp aspect of this is extreme. If she is just depressed, why does she need to train so vigorously that she needs a strict diet? Exercise first -> battle formations later. The weird focus on training still makes no sense to me. I understand expecting training to help, but Cassian really does shut down any time she tries to talk about her feelings.

Nesta is alcoholic. This is pretty realistic and the structure of the intervention mimics this cause the closest. This looks like the intervention from the family of an addict. The problem is... Nesta has no problems with alcohol. She's fine after two days, never has a relapse, and suffers no ill effects. If that's the case, was she in danger of being an alcoholic in the first place? There also isn't really a plan for when she gets out of here. Eventually she'll be able to climb the stairs and even though she has no money, an addict will go to desperate measures to get alcohol. It's never brought up or addressed. The training aspect of bootcamp seems extra extreme for this scenario because... why would she need to train at all? It's just detoxing, really.

Nesta is not eating enough and arguably has an eating disorder. This one infuriates me after the breakfast scene. I cannot come up with words to explain how absolutely stupid it is to take someone with a suspected eating disorder and then control what they eat, while ignoring their requests for different food. Additionally... TRAINING. Why would you physically exhaust someone who's not eating? They'll just train and not eat and then they're worse off. And also this would be way better if anyone ever referenced THAT SHE WAS EATING. "Cassian... make sure she eats something" would have made Feyre so much more sympathetic. Ugh its just the worst! Because they notice that she's lost weight (while still fitting in her leathers perfectly, because that's possible), and then totally ignore her positive attempts to eat food.

Nesta is a sex addict. This is also argueable true. But I'm again unclear how training and mandatory service are supposed to help a sex addict other than keeping them busy. And, of course, she has a ton of sex with Cassian all the time. So if this is the issue, its incredibly problematic and never solved. They just stuck her in bootcamp while also feeding her addiction. There is literally no reason for the controlling aspects.

Nesta is spending too much of Feyre's money. Yeah this is true. Sorry Nesta but its absolutely within Feyre's right to cut her off. That being said... bootcamp? "You spent too much of my money so I'm going to control almost every aspect of your day and kick you out of your apartment" ??? I don't think I need to say how extreme of a response this is. This motivation would work really well if she was just doing library services. "You spent too much money without contributing so now you have to contribute at this library. Since you can't winnow or fly and everyone else has actual jobs (it's my headcannon that they have actual jobs and can't just taxi service) you need to live there too. Cassian will also be there because he lives there and to make sure you comply." Feyre could just say she's going to pay back her debt so she has to work at the library for XX time. OR the libary now funds her allowance (but that gives her way too much freedom). But training? We'll revisit in a few months? Revisit what?

Nesta is embarrassing Feyre as High Lady. This one is tricky, because on the one hand, fuck Feyre for this comment. On the other hand, Feyre is now an important public official and her sister does reflect on her. (Do not get me started on how Feyre not being able to "control" her sister implies shes unfit to be High Lady. The fact that she used the word "control" implies that she's unfit to be High Lady, not Nesta's behavior. You don't control your subjects but - ugh, I got started) Lets assume for a second that this is valid. If Nesta is embarrassing Feyre in public wouldn't the rational response to have someone... tell her what is appropriate behavior in public? Say, someone very good with presenting a public face... like Mor??? Who also conveniently has a few days off from being a politician????? Bootcamp to become a strong warrior is... not relevant? Wtf? Have they never met a warrior who is totally compentent on the battlefield and an epic embarrassment otherwise (that sounds kind of like Cassian tbh...). There is an arguement to be made that Nesta already knows how to do this (she's actually decent at politics) so her embarrassing Feyre must be on purpose. It's still a gross oversight to say "You're behaving incorrectly but I'm not going to tell you what was incorrect, go fix it". UNLESS:

They want to control Nesta. This one makes an UNCOMFORTABLE amount of sense. They didn't tell her what to fix. She's just going off and "they'll revisit in a few months" to check on her progress. See how moldable she is maybe? Controlling every aspect of her life in a place she can't escape on her own? check. BUT because this book makes no sense, they manage to fuck this up too. Why did they train at Windhaven?? Look, I'm not saying that anyone should control someone's life until they break down and become a shell of their former self, but if someone were to do that, it's in private. Arguably, Windhaven, where there was civil unrest less than a year ago, is full of people who ABSOLUTELY need to believe that Nesta is under the control of the IC (or at least on the same side). So why would they take her there on the first day, when she is most full of defiance? (They're idiots, moving on) Cassian's comments about how Nesta was embarrassing him in front of other people were hilariously a joke because he put them in front of other people to begin with. (Even if they didn't want to control her, why windhaven? Like... oh look there's the High Lady's sister who is an absolute weakling and garbage at throwing a punch. This reflects so well on the inner circle. what????)

The problem is that SJM took all of these reasons and put them in a blender to give some frankenstein motivation. In the end there was too much going on so she achieved none of it. It feels almost like a successful intervention, until you look a little closer, and then everything falls apart.

#anti acosf #acosf spoilers #nesta archeron #acosf #anti sjm

[zirkkun]

I can't sleep so I'm gonna ramble for a minute here about. uh. 2020 i guess lol everyone else is so might as well jump on the bandwagon.

Be aware this is really really fucking long so it's a commitment to read it lmao sorry i just cannot sleep and i guess i had more on my mind about this year than i thought. I also did not proofread this at all. I just started writing and didn't look back lol

This year was... Weird for me. It started out with me feeling my best in January, comfortable and positive as I did my nth playthrough of DBH with friends and finally having enough alts of my boy Alfonse in FEH to have a team of Just him to fight with. (Priorities, right?) February hit, and things were still going good. I met Ray Chase and had him sign a print I did of Roy and Alfonse in some casual outfits for a scrapped au I wrote years ago. (And I gave him one 😊). Hell, like, covid was just coming around when me and my friends went to the con that weekend and a breakout of it hit the city just south of where the con was like a week before, but I was genuinely so excited for it that like I was like "Yeah, if i die, i die. Whatever happens happens." God, at this point, the Alfonse gc I was in was still alive and I still didn't talk to anyone in the group outside of that gc. Lowkey miss it tbh. But oh well. Things move on.

But that con was like... Stressful. I usually have fair amounts of stress at cons, being around so many people, I fear theft, unwanted contact, y'know, the standard; but my friend group was so filled with tension that it was absolutely painful. We'd been split most of the weekend, and if the two groups came together, it was hell, because it just caused unwanted arguments. I felt really bad cause I didn't want them to be upset, yknow? But i also wanted to hang out with my friends all at once. So i swapped between the groups a bit over the weekend. And blew WAY more money than I should have and lowkey it kind of fucked me over for the rest of the year cause I haven't had a job all year outside of, like, a local church job that pays at a rare max of $100 a month ;w;

I'd been struggling in school the previous semester already, about halfway through having just stopped going to classes altogether, yet still somehow managed to pass everything with B's and A's. The next semester rolled around, and I thought at first the distraction and inability to do anything was because of the con, and as it persisted after, I thought it was just post-con depression. But, as it turned out, no, it's just been my biggest relapse of depression since the end of high school, and frankly, it's only gotten worse since. I can't sleep rn because I'm between not wanting to do anything because I have a lack of emotions and motivation and not feeling deserving of sleep lol. I checked out of school on February 28th, however, I was convinced I was merely demotivated by my surroundings -- at this point, I was studying Japanese, and one of my friends at the time was a (although probably unintentionally) complete braggart about how much he was studying and how he was improving... not to mention he was textbook example of "This is an Actual Weeaboo, don't Fucking Do this." (One of many reasons i said friend at the time lol) it was just... So draining being around him, and I had to see him in class every day of the week. I barely scraped together assignments last-minute and never studied under the idea of "What does it matter if I'm not putting in my 100%?" So I checked out, with plans of transferring for the following semester.

Well, then March hit. Y'all know how March went down lmao.

I pretty much locked myself in my room at all times during March, going between Animal Crossing and BOTW (which actually racked up like 200ish hours i think according to the nintendo year in review i had lmao). I started making a bit closer online friends at this point, notably @levitumbling who decided to take me in as his channel designer for YouTube and I've been ever since! But. Of course. My first task? A Sans meme. My payment? One Switch copy of Undertale because he considered it a disgrace that I'd never played the game before.

Now, let me tell you. I was fuckin scared to play this game. I held onto it for weeks between the fear of "My friend bought me this and i should play this" and "I told myself I'd never touch this game with a 20 mile pole because of how much it's been shoved down my throat over the years." So, one day, I don't remember when, early April, I said, fuck it, I'll play it for a little bit, just enough to say "hey i played it for a bit!" and then never go back.

The only thing that stopped me from beating the whole thing in one sitting was it was the crack of dawn when I passed out, extremely tired and extremely frustrated by the fact I couldn't beat Muffet. Yes, I got that far in one sitting I intended to play for 15 minutes tops.

Now. Let me fuckin tell you. About my first playthrough of Undertale. I haven't gone into a game knowing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about it like... I think ever. Usually I know what style of game it is, the genre, the main plot premise. I knew nothing other than the existence of Sans (and, as it turned out, I'd heard some of the soundtrack pieces before, notably Bonetrousle I heard this cover of it in a radio livestream a while back and never really looked it up, but was always excited when the radio looped back around to it being on; and I'd heard Dating Start! because that's Alpharad's go-to sponsorship ost lmao.) But anyway. I was completely in the dark. Do yall mind if i just go through some highlights of my favorite memories? This is supposed to be a summary of the year but I mean, I think this made a big enough impact on me to really like. Discuss it a bit.

I watched the whole opening cutscene, started a new game under my old screenname, "Yoru," since in naming the "Fallen Child," I assumed they were dead. Well, I was a little surprised to just be that child, alive, two seconds later, but whatever, I rolled with it.

I genuinely trusted Flowey right away. Like no shit. He told me run into the "friendliness pellets" and I didn't even fucking question it. And when Toriel came in? And she said to follow her? I straight up was like "Why the hell should I trust you?? That guy just tried to kill me what says you wont?" I followed only because the game made me but i was Wary the whole time. It took me a LONG time to warm up to Toriel.

Now. Let me tell you how stupid I am as well. The game says over and over right, "Don't fight. Spare. Have Mercy when names are Yellow." Well, I took this literally. I didn't understand the Act mechanic most of the time, and when something didn't work I just said, fuck it, and fought them. If their name didn't turn yellow, I just fought them. "They don't want Mercy if their name isn't yellow, right?" After a while, I'd started getting bored of fighting and would just run away, but like, I came to a point where I was like "I have a really low level, I'm really going to regret this later on if I don't grind for a while."

I don't know when I stopped but. I think I was only one or two kills away from a genocide run accidentally my first playthrough, based on how I think I was LV 3 and looking at genocide playthroughs, you're LV 3 or 4 when you fight Toriel. Like. Holy fuck. I can't imagine what I would have thought of this game if that happened lmao.

Speaking of Toriel, still didn't trust her, at all. When we got to Home, and after I did Every Single different phrase she says when you go downstairs before you talk to her reading about snails; I did not Hesitate to ask "cool uh when the fuck can I leave?" When we got to the Ruins exit I was like, ah, here it is. The betrayal from her I was expecting, where she tries to kill me. Well, nothing on the Act menu worked, right? So... I fought and killed her. I didn't really care, actually. I just kept going.

Then meeting Sans and Papyrus happened. I lost my fucking shit at this part, mostly when they were talking, because every time Sans made a pun it would zoom in on him and do a rimshot. The puns were not funny and I was definitely on Pap's side of "oh my GOD shut up." But that fucking zoom in and rimshot was just so fourth wall breaking and unexpected. Fuck, it still gets me. Anyway. Game continues. I again lose my shit at (insane spinning in random directions) "OH MY GOD! IS THAT A HUMAN?" "uh, i think that's a rock." "OH. WAIT! WHAT'S THAT IN FRONT OF THE ROCK?? (IS IT A HUMAN??)" "(yes.)" "OH MY GOD!!!" and still think these two moments in the game are Peak comedy. Oh, and let me tell you, I did not like either of these two at this point. Sans I was like, okay, hes kind of a dumbass in a funny way, but Papyrus is a dumbass in a way that just annoys me. Genuinely the archetype that misses social cues and therefore has miscommunication usually just annoys me to no end. (Mostly for the miscommunication. It's my least favorite trope and makes me unreasonably angry.) But yeah. Wasn't really a fan. But out of everyone so far? Definitely found Sans to be the most tolerable. But that's about all I thought of him lmao.

Getting to Snowdin, with the Papyrus battle, remember how I said I didn't like Papyrus? And yes, this was something I genuinely thought at one point, I genuinely hated Papyrus, imagine that. What a wild world that is. But anyway. You know how his Act menu has the "Flirt" option? I, for no reason, gunned it for the Flirt option, even though I did not want to. Then when he was like "WE'LL GO ON A DATE! LATER!!" i was like yea sure okay lmao. Again, couldn't figure out the Act menu to turn his name yellow, so I fought him, and he was one or two attacks from dying (miraculously) when he ended the battle. I spared him here cause, well, he spared me, it was only fair. Then this guy again is like "ILL BE AT MY HOUSE WHEN YOU WANT TO GO ON THAT DATE!" and i was like haha funny but still turned around to go on the date. Like why? I have no idea. I think I was more like "haha hes probably not gonna be there and its just cause i picked that option and lo and behold there was an actual fucking date. Oh my god. I have never in my life been on a video game date where one party was convinced I was infatuated with them and im here on the other side of the screen like "oh my god make this end i can't stand being around you.???" But still. The date was. Really fucking funny. I wish I could experience it for the first time again like holy shit. There are few playthroughs I did after this where I didn't go on the Pap date, even if I just spedrun through it.

So then you get to Waterfall and Sans is there like "hey wanna go to grillbys" and i was like sure why not so we go there and my choices were fries & ketchup (so i did not get the legendary scene where he chugged a bottle of ketchup, but i sure did my second playthrough, and let me tell you, i was disgusted). But like. This whole experience at grillby's like, the whoopee cushion, him using a comb on his bald ass skull, him just fuckin unapologetically scratching his ass for no reason?? Bro i was like "why the fuck is this guy part of the Tumblr Sexymen™ group ??? He's so ????? Gross???????" and like i still have this question tbh lmao. But like. Okay so he asks you "what do you think of my bro?" And my genuine answer was "uncool" and he was like "hey man sarcasm isnt funny" and can i just mention how like inheritly manipulative sans actually is like fuck he does things like this where he throws your answer the other way a few times and Every time it actually swayed me the other way. Because right here I went. "Oh. Maybe Papyrus is better than I thought." Like holy fuck maybe i should be more aware if something like that can sway my opinion so easily LMAO.

Anyway waterfall i genuinely was very bored of the whole time. I spent like a genuine 20 minutes figuring out the puzzle where you have to talk to a wall and I actually didn't realize you could move the telescope around. What helped me solve it is my friend's advice before I played it. "Inspect everything. Even talk to walls. Trust me." And literally thats how I solved it. But pretty much everything in Waterfall otherwise bored me. I did think it was pretty though, and did enjoy reading the lore, but when it started talking about monster biology my one fear had been realized: oh god, oh fuck. My original species for my own series also has physical Souls and die by turning to dust because they're made entirely of magic. God fuck. My luck, it has to be something popular, so now everyone's gonna think I'm a ripoff. But, at the same time, I do think it helped me understand monster biology (and it helped me come up with the ULR biology) better, because I've put in a lot of thought to existence of a species that exists only by magic and a Soul (which, mine only actually have half a Soul, as a full Soul makes a being immortal, which was also similar to the boss monsters in a way). It definitely made a lot more sense for like, the skeletons n stuff for me, because like my characters are wholly shapeshifters but usually take human form, and while they have "organs" in the places humans would have them, they don't operate. They're just placeholders, because they just live with their Soul. So I've always thought the same with UT monsters, since the skelebros can live without organs, that means so do the rest of the monsters, even if they have animal-like appearances.

Off topic lmao. Back to UT. So, the Undyne fight was kind of the turning point for me. She was pissing me off so much during this whole game and like I was like "if theres another fucking part where I have to run away from her im going to scream." Well, once again, her name wasn't yellow, so I wasn't going to spare her... and, actively, I made the decision to kill her, because I didn't want to deal with her still chasing me later on in the game. It took me a long time to beat her, and when I did, I texted my friend (@cheshiregrinnbuttoneyes ) in excitment like "YES I FINALLY KILLED UNDYNE" and she texted back like "YOU DID WHAT?????" and i was like "i.... Killed Undyne????" she replies, "YOU DONT HAVE TO OMFG WHY" and im like "I DIDN'T HAVE TO?? THERE'S OTHER OPTIONS?????" and shes like "YES OMFG THAT'S LITERALLY THE PREMISE OF THE GAME" and im "WHAT."

So then. I get that call from Papyrus like. "HEY! YOU ME AND UNDYNE SHOULD HANG OUT SOMETIME!"

oh my god the guilt i felt.

alphys on undernet being like "omfg i forgot to watch undyne fight the human. ah ill ask her about it later she never loses <3"

bro. i nearly fuckin cried. i was like. Not to mention I'd gotten the crush question right for Mettaton's quiz in answering Undyne (bc i was like "plz be gay plz be gay") so it fucking cut like a knife what I'd done.

I don't remember when I let myself get passed it. But I do know that the whole story arc between Alphys and Mettaton went way over my head. Like, i know im probs the minority on this, but I adore Alphys, I have since I first met her in game, and like, when Mettaton was like "ALPHYS HAS BEEN LYING TO YOU!" i just went "...nah."

Also, I didnt like mettaton at this point, cause I thought he was being really obnoxious, and then the turn around to betray Alphys really kinda pissed me off.

But like.

Oh my god.

Remember how I said I swapped my opinion on Pap earlier bc of Sans's comment? Yeah that was a pretty fast turnaround, but it still took me a few times.

But the second i saw mettaton ex

I was like

"HIM. HE. HE'S THE ONE I LOVE."

Like, full turnaround from Undyne, I actively refused to kill him. All times I thought he was an asshole? Forgotten. Me thinking he's a selfish prick? Gone. Nada. Nothing. Pure adoration. Suddenly every flaw he had was pushed aside purely from how hot I thought he was. Also, fuckin, im really glad i played this when no one in my house was awake, because I still didn't understand the Act mechanic here, and every time you attack mettaton he has this like moan he does and im like oh my god. stop. omfg.

At the end, too, when there was the calls and everything, when he had his big turnaround, I was just so happy for him I genuinely cried. Also, I had to do his battle probably the most out of everyone's in the game (not including genocide), so when it came around to his battle during the (glitchless) speedruns i did, i was more invested in how fast I could rack up points, cause you need 10k rating points to pass, and I actually did get that before he lost his legs, but apparently he needed to lose those too before you passed lol. Unfortunate.

Anyway after Alphys talked to you and everything, i genuinely went to see if Mettaton was still there, but he wasn't :( so i just went to New Home. I was very ill prepared for the fight against Asgore and the only reason I struggled with it so much was because my only healing items were like. Something that healed like 10 or 12 hp and the snowman piece. I was LV 9 when i finished the game, so like, my HP was pretty high, but i didnt have the G to buy items, so i was pretty much fucked. Yes. I had to eat the snowman to win.

Oh speaking of terrifying shit though. Photoshop flowey? My god. I haven't been afraid of a video game boss so much since I was a little kid. It was like 3 am and i was not prepared for him to just delete my save file and then kill me on repeat, glitching and breaking everything as he pleased. Bruh i was genuinely scared. Like, not even just, "oh yikes :(" or something. Like, crying scared. Lmao im an emotional bitch by nature.

I of course had to restart from the beginning again to get the True Pacifist ending. I was very careful to never touch the Fight button literally ever. And, it actually took me a while to reset, because I hate erasing my original save files, yknow? But, well, as it turned out? While technically New Game+ by naming, resetting doesn't erase everything you did. It wasn't a new file. I was a little confused at first to be honest. Toriel saying things were familiar, remembering things I said, Papyrus and Undyne both recognizing me, like. It was unnerving.

When I got to the end, i had to look up how to get Alphys's date (since my friend told me the way to unlock TP was to go on all the dates, but Alphys's was definitely designed in mind of you turning around from New Home and going back to talk to people rather than a new reset. So after unlocking it, getting through Alphys's date (i still remember being like, verbally, "omg alphys you look so nice??" When she came out with the dress on and then had a thought to myself like... since when do i care about what people look like? since when do i compliment people? At that point, while I didn't consider myself to be a rude person, I definitely wasn't exactly all that concerned about others for anything. Sure, I cared about others' lives, but I tended to be a bit more judgemental internally, and just. Didn't really give a fuck about what people did in the most negative sense possible, unless it involved me. Yet, it rolled off my tongue like it was something id say normally to anyone. I really wonder if this is the true turning point for me this year.)

Getting to the end, with everyone cheering me on. Hoo boy. This was the start of many tears to come. Papyrus's "DO WHAT I WOULD DO! BELIEVE IN YOU!!" sticks with me the most. I wasn't surprised by Flowey's actions, but what fucking threw me for a loop was like. When Flowey was revealed as Asriel, I was genuinely jaw-drop shocked. I was like. Holy fuck. I thought he was dead. What the hell. To this day, though, i still think Hopes and Dreams hits me the hardest out of all the boss battle themes. It doesn't super bother me, bc like, difference in opinion is whatever, but like. Whenever I see Megalovania at the top of someone's ost list for Undertale I'm just... Why? Maybe it's because I'd overheard it meme'd to much before I played the game, but like, i dunno, it's not a bad song, but it's not the most emotional provoking piece for me, so it's pretty far down my list. Hopes and Dreams will still remain my #1.

I really did feel determined during this battle. I really felt a lot of emotion. I felt excited. I felt frightened. I felt ambitious. Asriel's battle is probably still the hardest for me, and yes, I'm counting genocide this time. I can't grasp his magic patterns at all, and I more so played it as a "okay, how much damage can i take? Whats his next move?" As i healed every other turn. It took me a very long time to beat him (though no 11 hours like Sans, this was more like, 2 or 3 max) and when I got to the part with the Lost Souls, most of the characters just said their "we hate you" piece and i was like "nope you're controlled" right.

But then there's Sans's "just give up. i did."

I genuinely had to stop. I set down my controller and just sat for a minute. I'd mentioned before how much I've been struggling with depression for years now, and it's at the worst it's been since high school. Maybe you'd think when I saw that, I was like "sure, maybe I should give up." But... It's really the "i did." that hit me like a rock to the stomach. While I do know a couple other people with depression, the most discussion we have with it is "haha i wanna die" kinda jokes yknow? Nothing really serious. And, well, I've always been the type to lean to fictional characters for support more than real people, since I've just been so disconnected from a lot of friends growing up and was too scared to talk about anything with my family.

So seeing someone else say "just give up. i did." hit me so fucking hard that I just started crying. I had already been in a real sappy mood cause the whole scene was so emotional as it was, even if merely the cliche of friendship will save all, y'know what? Its a good ass fuckin trope and makes me emotional lmao.

So, naturally, I was more hyperaware of Sans's implied depression from here onward. The conversations with everyone post-battle left me crying. God, so did the hug with Asriel. I was just fucking bawling.

Oh god. I didn't even mention. "Despite everything, it's still you." Another line that just hit me and I had to pause.

So admist my crying mess, I was telling my friend I'd beat Undertale again. He asks me "so... you gonna play the genocide route?" And I already had from the beginning. I always want to play every available route in a game. I see no point in paying for something and then not playing it all. I'd consider myself a completionist who doesn't ever actually finish anything lmao.

I definitely put my emotions aside for genocide. The absolute hardest kill for me was Papyrus, though. And i was absolutely fucking heartbroken when he said he still believed me as his last words. But I forced it aside. I didn't want to reset. I wanted to beat it to have it under my belt that I had. I was pretty sure the Sans battle would be here, since I hadn't heard Megalovania in the game yet, and I was aware of how hard the battle was, despite never seeing it.

Undyne's battle I'm more emotional about in retrospect than I was at the time. At the time, I didn't care, didn't like the theme much, and the dings gave me a headache. Undyne isn't exactly my favorite character (though definitely not my least favorite, that role is given to Frisk with Toriel not close behind ahdhsb im sorry), so I really wasn't concerned about it. Not to mention, I don't know why, but all of the battles I struggled with EXCEPT Undyne's I ended up liking the character more as a result. Maybe it was the dinging lmao.

Bro you shoulda seen how prepared I was for Mettaton NEO's battle to be hard as fuck. I was like sitting upright, took deep breaths before hitting fight, then when he died in one shot i just kind of "wh...what." Still very disappointed lol but I guess that's kind of the point of the genocide route.

Then came the Sans fight. As I said, I spent 11 hours on this. I genuinely didn't pay attention to what he said after a while, but I do remember the first time I read it, I was fucking terrified. Usually, sarcasm, hatred, and sass is very hard to convey through pure text, especially when it's said in the same tone as his usual talking. But the absolute harshness, the coldness, and the lack of any fucks given Sans had at that point was so plainly transparent through everything he said that it fucking scared me. Toby Fox's writing here was fantastic. I can only dream of being able to write like that. Frankly, I love his writing in general. Actually, fuck it, I love all of the artistic takes of this game. This is gonna sound weird but... The "childishness" of it just is so good. Like, there's no rules. Every socially accepted rule of art, writing, character design, speech patterns, and even basic grammar are thrown aside. He didn't just think outside of the box, there literally was no box. I call it childish only because like, children also create with no rules. They have no rules to restrict their creativity. And seeing that embraced in Undertale in every form possible just blows me away.

Anyway. The battle. It. Was hard. Thats a given. I spent about two weeks playing it on and off, and it's probably the most healthily I've treated myself in recent memory, because when it became too much for me to handle, I set it down and took a break. I would retain what I memorized and use it for the next time I picked it up. Frankly, it came to a point where every time I opened up Undertale to play, it was more just cause I wanted to see him lmao. The guy hated my existence at this point and it's not like i disacknowledged that. But it just felt like every time i opened the game... Idk. I don't know what I felt. I can tell you for sure this isn't the time when Sans started slipping into my favorite character spot over Mettaton, that didn't come until the development of Act to Flirt's first demo, which was a month or so later lmao.

I was very excited when I beat Sans.

But then, after it was over, I felt very empty.

I didn't feel good about beating genocide. I still don't. I want to play the boss battles again, cause they were really fun, despite how hard they were, but I can't bring myself to.

When I got to Chara, and everything went to black, I just wiped my save and started fresh. I think this was the first time I used the name "Willo" for anything. I just picked a random name to use, and Willo was the first thing that came to mind.

I beat neutral again many times, trying to unlock as many secrets as I could. I accidentally spent like, way too long trying to get Sans's room, because I couldn't figure out how to do it... which is when I started speedrunning the game, because I was just so used to going through it all. I timed myself once, and I got somewhere around 1:20:00 ish, which puts me at the very bottom of the NG+ Glitchless runs by like 30 minutes, but hey, it's still not too bad all things considered.

I'd started working on Act to Flirt sometime in between the speedruns. I was playing Papyrus's date again, and I had this thought of. What if Undertale... but all boss fights are instead like Papyrus's date?? I pitched the idea to my friend who was like "thats definitely been done before lol" and immediately I almost shut down the idea. But then I still had that glimmer of hope that, maybe, since I haven't made it yet, people would like my game because it was by me. Besides, quarantine was getting to me. I needed some way to spend my time. So on May 6th to May 7th, I spent the whole 24 hour period making the first proof of concept for the game, which was UI setup and Flowey's tutorial date. I hadn't made any of the art yet, so it was a black background with Flowey's undertale sprite. I originally was going to make everything more visual novel like in the sense that, so like on Papyrus's date, you could make choices like "unwrap the present" "dont unwrap the present" or "you look great" "you look terrible" and getting the ending would involve pretty much just saying the right things at the right times. But this alone was... Yknow, already done before, and part of what makes Undertale so great is that it's, despite its many outside influences, very unique in its gameplay. So I decided to make the dates more like puzzle-solving RPG's, and frankly, since doing that, I dont know if I want to go back to making other visual novels lmao.

After making the first demo and releasing it, I hit a creative funk. I wanted to make the next demo right away, but I forced myself to stop (since i was working 16+ hour days to finish it in exactly a week. I didn't eat much and i slept very little during this time too. Dont do this lmao). I didn't know if the game would be received, and frankly, I'd had many failed projects in the past due to lack of support. I lost a lot of support in the past due to the dropped projects I kept starting and quitting because I had such a small audience, and that made me lose a lot of interest and motivation to work on them. So I posted the first demo and waited. I was very shocked to have a YouTuber with over a million subs play it that weekend. Dantekris I think was her channel name. She speaks Russian, and I never understood a word she said, but I've still watched her let's plays because I enjoy seeing her reactions. I hate that YouTube keeps deleting my responses on her videos, probably because they're long and in English so it's marked as spam on a comments section full of purely Russian comments yknow. But it makes me feel like such an ass ;w;

Mairusu is the next large YouTuber who played it and my god I love seeing when he uploads a new update for my game because I genuinely have no idea what to expect from him. I don't know what it is but he's just so absolutely funny to me. He also seems to be the most common breaker of my game though. Stop making your own bugs!! I try to testplay to find the bugs he gets and it's like.... what did you do.... how did you skip that whole date im so confused thats not supposed to happen..... He accidentally skipped all of Muffet's date because of this too and hers is supposed to be the hardest in the game right now so I'm very upset by it;; i dont know how it happened, it never happens for me.

But like. I was definitely struggling a bit with the direction I wanted to take AtF. I wanted there to be a core message, like with Undertale and many other of my favorite things. When there's a core theme to write about, it makes things a lot easier to compose than if you have a plot with no meaning to it. It ties it all together for a common purpose. But, as I started diving more into the fandom around this time, finding not only it being still alive but still enormous and filled with passion.

Passion. Hm. That's familiar. That's the trait I gave the player character, rather than determination. While it was intended for giggles "haha dating game u have passion wink wonk," it started becoming more than that. It started becoming a manifestation of what I really felt upon finally soaking myself into the deep end of this pool I'd once been too afraid to step into. Passion. Everyone here is so driven by their passion for this game, the characters, its story. Everyone is so inspired and creative. That's it. That's what I wanted Act to Flirt to be.

A game made for those who have already dived deep into Undertale. A game made for those who have the same level if passion I've wittnessed. A game that someone might stumble upon, merely wanting any Undertale content they can find, and a dating sim leaves them grasping at straws, only to find it's a game instead deeply rooted in how much they care about this world and its people. You have a Soul of Passion, because your passion for Undertale brought you to this game. That's what the core message is. Every ending is supposed to depict different kinds of empathy, and True Passion shows you truly cared the most you could for all of these characters. Sans is so blocked from it because, well, how can he really believe it? "if we're really friends, you won't come back," right? But here you are. Again and again.

And Heartbreak. Whose heart is really the one breaking here? Taking the Hopes and Dreams of every single character you've grown to care for and crushing it beneath your feet... who is the one suffering in the end?

I just... I'm very excited. I've written that game with the player as the main character. Not Willo. Not Frisk. Not anybody else. You, the player, are the main character. I've honestly done a lot of looking around in the DDLC code to make this game as 4th wall breaking as I can (without like. Disrupting it as a game experience like ddlc is, with monika deleting things and stuff). Just enough to leave the player unsettled and confused. Like. "Me? Are you talking to me?" Yes. You. Directly to you.

I started sketching out designs and ideas for ULR around July. I genuinely loved Underlust after finding out about it, even though it was posed to me as an insult about the contents of Act to Flirt. I was both like "uh... Act to Flirt is nothing like this. Maybe in reversed roles at best but..." and also "okay but this? This shit is good. Thank you." But finding out it was discontinued and wanting more, well, that's when I decided to make ULR. I presented the idea to my friends, who were like "please stop making aus," and then continued onward. I told myself I wasn't going to work on it though until after I finished Act to Flirt... Then after the next demo came out... Then it turned out I was working on it too much and it resulted in me rushing my release of the 3rd demo of AtF because I'd been so distracted I was going to miss my release deadline of the end of August, before school. I... Still kinda regret that a lot. It's still very buggy. Though I hope I got them all for the next demo...

But speaking of school .... ha... Remember when i said i was going to transfer to another school? Well, I did, and for the first few weeks it was fine! Then I started skipping assignments I didn't want to do. Then I started panicking about my low grades. Then I started getting behind on assignments. Then I stopped going to classes. Then I lost all motivation to work on anything at all. I just locked myself in my room and did next to nothing with the occasional drawing here and there, for weeks. It came to the point where I was like "I just have to get through this semester, then I'll drop out." But if I ever wanted to go back to school, having all F's on my last report card would not bode well for my acceptance. Which lead to more stress. I didn't want to fail, but I also didn't have any motivation to work. I would do one assignment here or there, feel good about myself, then realize I was still months behind on work and suddenly oh god oh fuck finals are next week. And my solution? I just. Fuckin dropped out. Oh my god. It was such a relief to just get that weight off my shoulders that I'd been carrying for months on end, preventing me to do anything I wanted to work on.

Well. Then my car tires died. So that's a thing. But good news! Between commissions and gifts, I have enough money to get them replaced! I don't think I've ever like... Been so excited about that before.

And, well. Now I'm here, pretty much. God, I just went through my entire year summary, and it feels like it was both forever long but also not long at all. I don't get it. 2021 still feels like a far off future, despite the fact I'm now 5 hours into it. Yes, I spent 4 hours writing this. Whoops. Oh well. I couldn't sleep anyway, so it's not that big of a deal.

All in all though... Despite being locked inside, away from my friends, unable to talk to anyone about the things i was enjoying, and living in fear of getting sick at all ever with anything, 2020 definitely fuckin changed me for the better. It was a hellhole of a year and I'd never do it again or wish it upon my worst enemy, but I came out a better person... I think. I hope.

It seems cliche to bring back but fuck it. Undertale? My friend insists its core message was that anyone can be a good person if they just try, which I mean, it definitely probably was intended that way. But that never was the message I felt while playing it.

What lesson I took from it was "things aren't always as they seem."

Flowey betrays you immediately, but then you find out he's just the remnants of a boy who died years ago and is still grieving over the loss of his best friend, whomst, despite how much he cares for them, recognizes they weren't good to him and he'd been manipulated and used by them.

Toriel is a kind and caring woman, a still grieving mother over the loss of her children, who seems to have kindness to no end, but is actually filled with such hatred and depression that she regularly gets drunk, swears, and still, without resilience, hates her ex husband.

Sans is a playful character who is full of puns, a gross atmosphere, and decided to break physics just because he can. He's the embodiment of a comic relief character. But at the same time, he's suffering, struggling, in constant pain and worry. He's lazy, but quick on his feet. He's harmless but will kill without hesitation if need be. He's both caring and the least caring of them all.

Papyrus is like... a self-centered asshole in a way, when you first meet him. He prides himself and everything he does. Yet still, he's actually quite open and accepting and loves everyone. He loves talking with and being with other people, even if maybe sometimes he has a different interpretation of social interaction from the "norm."

Undyne comes off as cruel and deadly, such even being emphasized in many points. But, deep down, she's extremely caring for those who are close to her, and her only cruelty is dealt to those who have wronged her in some way.

Alphys is a sweet and nervous wreck who comes off as helpful and lacking a filter due to her tendency to ramble. She seems to be merely anxious due to likely social anxiety... But you eventually find out that she's a liar who merely wants to create a world to be a better place, and by doing so, she pretends all the bads do not exist.

Mettaton comes off as an absolute self-centered asshole. Like. There's no way around that. He seemingly has no regard for other people with only full intentions of helping himself. But, deep down, he actually cares a lot for other people, especially his family and friends, and just tends to get caught up in things while he's in the moment.

Muffet seems to be greedy with how much money she begs people to give her for the spiders, but, as it turns out, she's flat broke and drops no G when you beat or kill her. She merely needs the money to help the spiders.

Asgore, too, is built up to be this ruthless killer throughout the whole game, and when you finally meet him, he's an incredibly sweet guy who's only filled with regret, and because of his past decisions, has decided to put aside his hopes for the sake of his people.

I...

Didn't see any of these characters for who they really were right away. Why would I? Few of these archetypes are explored much in a lot of fiction lately, or at least what I've been consuming; and is more focused around how someone can change their flaws into something positive... Not how to accept someone for who they are, despite the wrongs they may have committed or the lives they lead. Everyone's different. Everyone's grown up differently. Everyone has a reason for what they do.

And it took me playing this game to realize such a simple concept that I probably should have learned years ago.

That's why I really think 2020 changed me for the better. I made a realization that I should have had many years ago, and it's made me a lot more confident in expressing myself, accepting people for what they do, and seeing the brighter side to everything. I say that, sitting here filled with nothing and void of all emotion whatsoever... But it's a conscious thought i have. My emotions are so weird... They're either on full blast or I feel nothing at all. But yet I have... Thoughts of what i should feel? It's weird. Idk. This is why I'm getting therapy LMAO

But yea. 2020? Fuck you. But also thank you. But mostly fuck you and good riddance lmao

#zircon rambles #a lot #lol #its very long im sorry #i spent way too long writing this too #also please don't reblog this

[eddiemunsonssoulmate]

Shine your light on me

Pairing: JJ x Reader

Word Count: 3.6k

Summary: Reader has a relapse and depression is washing over her again but this time, she has JJ by her side, an unexpected soldier to help her fight the war inside her head.

Warnings: Mention of depression, self harm and scars

Available on: AO3

A/N: This goes to all the people battling with mental health problems. Take care of yourself, please. You are important and worth it. This fic starts quite heavy with a description of depression and dealing with it but has a sweet ending, so it’s more angsty to fluffy and safe to read if you think you can handle the topics. I don't want to romanticize the subject at all, but you don't win a war alone. Talk to someone if you need help. It doesn't matter if it's a family member, your partner, a friend or a therapist.

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There it was again, that feeling you hated more than anything else.

You’ve been fine for weeks. Everything had been okay and now? Now every joy had been sucked out of you by that void of darkness that was about to swallow you back in.

Your room was dark, you didn’t want to see the sun, you didn’t want to be reminded that it was summer and you were supposed to enjoy this time where you didn’t have to worry about school.

School has always been a constant pressure on you. Get good grades, graduate as the top of the class, be better, do better. You loved your parents dearly but they didn’t understand how much pressure they put on you. The constant reminder that you wouldn’t have a good future without good grades was hanging over you like a dark cloud, following you everywhere.

You’ve pulled so many all-nighters so you’d have enough time to study. You didn’t want to disappoint them, you wanted to make them proud and whenever the grade wasn’t an A you felt like a failure. You didn’t want to fail them, didn’t want to fail you. The fear of not having a good future was always present.

And yet here you were, not being able to do anything because everything had just been too much lately. You wanted to be a good daughter, a good friend, a good student but you failed at all of them with your current behavior. You knew and you hated it.

Thankfully your parents were on a business trip, leaving you alone. You had been fine when they had left two days ago but today you woke up and everything had changed. The darkness that you thought you had left all those months ago was back and it felt like a fist was hitting your stomach over and over again.

You were feeling sick and had no appetize, the night had been shorter than expected and you didn’t even know if you should cry or just lay here like you were paralized. What was the point of even getting up out of bed today?

The phone in your hand told you that it was already past noon and you groaned. You woke up in the early morning hours when the sun was going up and you didn’t do anything yet. There was no energy to get up and get dressed, no energy to shower or make food.

The void was filling you up and you closed your eyes, your thoughts filling up your brain. The memories of the start of your depression came back and you pressed your eyes shut as if that would help them make away.

It didn’t. You saw those memories of sleepless nights, lots of tears and blood running down your arms, it all flashed before your inner eyes. Tears were in your eyes now, as always. It was always starting like that. First you’d just spent hours doing nothing except staring at the ceiling and then you’d think, think, think until you saw all those memories you’ve tried to forget and start crying. After that it only went downhill.

You put an arm over your eyes and felt the wetness run down your cheeks. You didn’t want to be like this, you didn’t want to feel like you were broken and needed fixing once again. Nothing could fix you except yourself but how do you do that with no energy left in your body?

The tears were flowing down your face and you could do nothing to stop that.

“I’m sorry”, you sobbed as if someone would be there to hear you.

It was a sorry to your parents, an apology that you knew you should do better and you knew you should be a better daughter.

It was a sorry to your friends, an apology that you knew you’ve not been the best friend and they have to put up with you anyway.

It was a sorry to your teachers, an apology that you’re not getting the best grades even though they are good at their job.

It was a sorry to yourself, an apology that you had those dark thoughts again and didn’t take care of yourself enough.

When you lifted up your arm you couldn’t see much but you knew those faint scars were there. You were so ashamed of them and yet, there was no way to hide them here in Outer Banks. It was way too hot, you’ve tried wearing a long sleeve at the beginning and were happy about every rainy day so you didn’t need an excuse to wear them and yet, it was hopeless. One day you’d cave and show the world what you had done and you could do nothing against it.

A knock at the door made you groan and you chose to ignore it. Probably just the neighbor wanting to get some milk as usual.

You were really not in the mood and didn’t have the energy to get out of bed. You knew you should to, so you could distract yourself but your head was feeling like it would explode, your nose was closed up from crying and your eyes were probably red like you’ve just taken the longest line of some drugs to fuck you up.

There was this feeling of not wanting to feel at all. The feeling of having too many and too little at once. The feeling of drowning and not being able to breathe or think.

This time it was the doorbell and you pressed your pillow to your face, hoping it would be over soon. It was too loud and thankfully silent after a moment only to hear a knock at your window. You couldn’t see outside, the blinds were down but you wanted to kill that person right now.

“(y/n)? It’s me!”, you heard a male voice and swallowed hard.

It was JJ.

You haven’t been with the Pogues for long as you’ve moved here only a couple of months ago. Your parents had thought that moving could help you get out of your toxic environment and help with those feelings you’ve been feeling back then and it really did, for a while.

Everything had been new and exciting and you had a fresh start away from all the people who knew what you had done, away from eyes that were judging you. And maybe, just maybe, your parents had left because they were ashamed of you too. That’s at least what your head was telling you and you wanted to scream at it to shut up but you knew it wouldn’t.

You were wondering what JJ was doing here, were you supposed to meet? You had become close those last weeks even though you barely hung out with them. It was hard to do with long sleeves or even a long sleeves T-Shirt while everyone else was in bathing suits.

“I know you’re there, can I come in?”, he asked and yeah, of course he would know. Your shoes were outside the front door, your bicycle still leaning against the garage and where else would you be anyway?

‘Suit yourself’ was something you’d say if your throat wasn’t so closed up. You didn’t care if he was here or not, you may not want to see any people but then again, JJ was special. Ever since you’ve met him that blonde boy had made you laugh in a way no one else ever did.

You heard the front door open and still lay in bed without your blanket over you because it was too damn hot but also too cold at the same time. When the door to your room opened you groaned and threw your arm back over your eyes, the light too bright.

“What’s going on?”, he asked as he walked over to the windows to pull the blinds up. You hated him as soon as the room lit up with those beautiful rays of sunshine.

“I’m not feeling well”, you mumbled and he frowned at you, lifting your arm up to put a hand over your forehead.

“No fever at least”, he said and chuckled slightly.

“What do you want here?”, you asked and pulled the blanket back over your body, heating up instantly.

“Just checking on you. We were supposed to meet up four hours ago but you never showed up so I wanted to see if you’re okay”, he explained and looked up and down your body. He was a smart boy, he probably knew that something was wrong.

“Yeah, as I said, I’m not feeling too well but I’ll be fine”, you sighed and gave him a fake smile which made him clench his jaw.

“Tell me what’s going on”, he asked suddenly and you blinked at him confused for a moment before shaking your head.

“As I said, I’ll be fine, nothing is going on.” If there was one thing you could do, it was lying about your current situation. You had been doing that so many times before.

“I’m the master at saying I’m fine even when I’m not. You can’t fool me. A fake smile doesn’t help when your eyes are telling a whole other story.” You swallowed hard at those words and especially when he sat down on your bed, looking sternly at you. You knew about his shitty home life but so far, no one had ever looked behind the facade you were putting on.

Tears started to swell up in your eyes again and he saw that, moving over a little to grab your hand in his. “Hey, you can tell me”, he whispered so carefully as if you might break when he was too loud.

“It’s too much”, you started to sob, not even knowing why exactly you started crying again right now. “I feel like a failure. I can’t do anything right. My depression is coming back and I don’t know how to stop this.”

“Oh, princess”, he whispered and pulled at your hand to make you sit up so you could wrap his arms around your body that seemed so fragile right now. You wrapped your arms around his body too, pressing your against him like he was the only thing that kept you from drowning.

You’ve never told him about your depression, about your dark past and yet, it had kind of all spilled out and he didn’t seem to judge at all.

“C’mon here”, he suddenly said and reached under you to lift you out of bed. You didn’t say anything, just pressing your head against his shoulder, hoping he wouldn’t look into your red eyes. You didn’t want him to see you like this and yet, you knew he wouldn’t leave until you’ve felt any better.

Only when your feet touched the cold tiles of the bathroom you opened your eyes again and looked at him. He had a soft smile on his lips while biting his bottom lip.

“You should take a shower”, he simply stated and nodded over to it.

“You saying I stink?”, you said with a sad laugh, trying to cheer up the mood somehow. He gave you a crooked smile and shook his head.

“It’s called hydrotherapy. I’ve uh, heard about it a while back. You have to take a short cold shower, to free up your mind and it also stimulates all those anti-depression hormones. Try it, I’ll wait outside”, he said and patted your head, a touch you’d be missing soon enough.

You’ve never heard of hydrotherapy before but maybe it would help. The fact that he knew about this was quite impressive to you.

When he was about to leave you grabbed his arm to hold on to him. “I can’t.” You bit your bottom lip when he turned around to yourself, you could barely even stand on your own right now, your legs feeling so weak. “Please, stay? I have no energy to do it on my own.”

It was so embarrassing but you’ve told him what was going on, might as well show him the weakness you were feeling deep inside. For some reason, you felt stronger with him by your side.

He nodded and sat down on the bathtub, trying to look away as you tried to take your shirt off but you just let out a frustrated groan when your arms felt like they weren’t even your own limbs anymore.

“May I?”, he suddenly asked and stood up and you just nodded with a whine.

JJ reached for your shirt and pulled it over your head, eyes avoiding to look at your now bare boobs. You appreciated that even though you wouldn’t mind. Maybe it would help with your self confidence if he’d look at you like he wanted you. No one had ever looked at you like that. You’ve never been pretty enough, funny enough, good enough.

He pulled your pants down and you stepped out of them, crawling into the bathtub with the attached showerhead.

“I don’t think I can stand up for so long”, you said as you were crouching in the tub like a little kid. You felt like one, so small, so helpless, at the mercy of your own feelings and weaknesses.

“Alright then but don’t hit me now”, he said with a soft laugh and took his shirt off before getting into the tub and pulling you up. It almost felt like he was pulling you up from your own misery to a safe place, called his arms. He wrapped one arm around you and pressed you close to his body before turning the cold shower on.

You screeched as soon as the cold water hit your skin and he just took in a sharp breath. Your hands clung to him as if letting go would somehow wash you away.

“I fucking hate you”, you mumbled into his chest while your whole body was trembling from the cold but you couldn’t deny that it actually made you feel better, even if it was just a little bit.

“That’s fine with me.” He laughed and pressed a kiss to your head. Suddenly, your body was feeling warm again and you blushed, thankful he couldn’t see it.

The shower didn’t take long and he got out first, lifting you out of it and making sure your feet were on the small carpet in front of the bathtub this time.

He grabbed a towel and didn’t even give it to you but started to dry you up himself. It made you smile because you knew you wouldn’t be able to do it properly.

You closed your eyes when he reached your arms, knowing that he would see those scars there, already expecting a comment about them but he didn’t say a thing during the whole process until he handed you the towel in the end.

“You uh..have to dry the lady parts yourself”, he said with a cough and left the bathroom. You laughed softly at his words and dried the rest of you, wrapping the towel around your body. You could even muster up the strength to brush your hair a little. Daily tasks could sometimes be so overwhelming, so you were proud you managed to do that.

The shower made you feel more awake and more alive but the dark thoughts wouldn’t leave. Memories were still flashing a little before your eyes and you walked out of the bathroom to find JJ. When he was around, it stopped, at least a little.

He was standing in front of your wardrobe and pulled a few things out, carrying them over to your bed.

“I think that should do”, he said and nodded at you with a smile while you took the clothes he had picked. Some of your favourites. Boy had taste. When you looked back at him you saw how he had turned around so he wouldn’t see you get dressed. Silly, he had just seen everything and now he acted like he would see too much?

Thankfully you managed to do it on your own and while you dressed yourself you looked at him, chuckling slightly. “Your pants are dripping on my floor.” He had only taken his shirt off for the shower but not his pants. They were swim trunks but still dripping quite a bit.

“Uh yeah, sorry about that”, he mumbled and you laughed a little, the mood cheering up a little more now. You had no idea what it was about him but when he was here, you felt better. You’ve never realized how he made you feel until today, until the day you needed him the most.

“Okay, done”, you said and sounded almost proud. Normally, you wouldn’t have made it. Even back in the bad and horrible days you barely managed to do anything on your own, especially not shower or get dressed. Sometimes the most you did was go pee.

“Great”, he said and also sounded quite proud of you. He came over to you and lifted you back up in his arms, carrying you over into the kitchen.

JJ had been here before so he knew his way around. He placed you on a seat at the kitchen island and started to look around.

“Why are you doing this?”, you suddenly asked as you leaned on the counter, still feeling insecure about everything.

“Do what?”, he asked back at you like it was the most normal thing to act the way he did right now. No one had ever done this for you.

“Taking care of me”, you mumbled and sounded once again ashamed of yourself.

“Because you’re not doing it, so I’ll do it.” Those words tightened your throat when you wanted to swallow and a new tear left the side of your eye but you wiped it away quickly.

He took care of you because you didn’t do it yourself.

JJ started cooking in your kitchen and as soon as that wonderful smell of scrambled eggs came close to your nose your stomach started to growl loudly. You may not want to eat because you’re not feeling it but your stomach had a whole other opinion on that.

“Food is important”, he said as he put the eggs on a plate and grabbed the well done toast from the toaster and placed it in front of you. “Try to eat, okay?”

You swallowed but nodded, afraid you might not be able to keep it down. The first bite was hard to get down your throat and your stomach made a loud noise again, you were not sure if it was yelling to stop or telling you to continue.

JJ watched you the whole time you were eating and smiled at you. Seeing that smile helped you empty the plate.

“Good job”, he said with a grin and as ridiculous as it sounded, the praise felt good. It was nice to hear someone praising you for such simple tasks and not just when you got a good grade.

“Think you’re okay with walking now?”, he asked carefully as he put the dishes aside and held out a hand to you to help you get up from the chair.

“Yeah, I guess the shower woke my body up”, you said with a nod and he grinned. You took his hand and stood up. To your surprise he didn’t let go of your hand and walked outside with you.

The fresh air felt like fog to your brain for a moment but soon enough you felt energy returning to your body. The wind around your hair and the sun on your face made you smile.. He stopped at the garden swing on your patio and sat down with you, using his legs to make it swing forth and back a little.

It was relaxing but the thing that relaxed you most was his presence.

“Life can suck”, he suddenly said and looked over to you, his blue eyes locking with yours. “Some wounds show on the body.” He placed a kiss on the scars covering your upper left arm and it made you shiver. You thought of these scars as the most disgusting thing about your body and yet he was here, kissing them like they were normal. “But some are only on the inside.” He placed a kiss on the top of your head.

You swallowed hard and tried to keep the tears inside. How could he be so sweet with you? You weren’t worth his attention like this.

“I also know how exhausting it is to pretend you’re fine. You don’t have to pretend with me, you know? I’ll be here if you need me. I promise.” He wrapped his arm around you and pulled you close, so you placed your head on his shoulder and closed your eyes.

It was good to listen to his smooth voice, soothing you while you were slowly swinging forth and back.

“It sometimes just feels like my life is falling apart again. I don’t want it, it’s like-” You struggled to find the right word to describe what was going on in your head.

“War?”, he finished your sentence and you nodded. Yes, it was like a war inside your head, your logical side against all those feelings and emotions you weren’t able to control.

“Yeah, you either win or die trying. I’ve won once but it came back anyway. I’m scared I won’t make it this time”, you mumbled against his shoulder and started to breath in sharply, his smell filling your nose and calming you down before you could think too much.

“You can win again. I’ll fight with you if you let me”, he whispered and pressed another kiss to your head.

You were convinced you could win this war once again now that JJ was by your side.

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[statticscribbles]

Cut

Summary: Sweet Pea/Plus sized! Reader Request: Where he finds out she a cutter/really depressed TW: Self harm, descriptions of self harm and self harming behaviour

Nobody had actually been bullying you. Nobody even cared that you had been a chubbier than average kid, and nobody cared when you didn’t lose the weight during puberty. It wasn’t as if everyone ignored you; you had friends; acquaintances as well. You were well liked; most of Riverdale high knew you to some degree.

Which is maybe why you think no one asks. When your stretch marks seem a little too pink, or you have one too many scratch marks from the ‘skin being itchy’ as you claimed over and over; no one asks, just like always. You add to the lies, your dog, the stray cat down the street; being clumsy, during gym. You had others lined up and back up plans as well as back up plans for your back up plans.

When Sweet Pea asks you out you’re surprised; waiting for him to confess it was a joke like Chuck did; or say what Darren had said; about how he had a thing for big girls. He did no such thing and as the weeks and an entire two months go by you accept he does actually love you. Of course this brings a new fear; the fear of him finding out.

It wasn’t a relapse you assured yourself; you had to stop for it to be a relapse you ammend, fingers brushing over the already forming scabs. You chew your lip returning the blades you keep into the cheap pencil sharpeners; no one bothers question how often you replace them; they’re so cheap its no wonder they break. Another excuse, another lie for you to keep track of. You know it’s going to catch up to you, but it doesn’t matter now. “Y/N?” “Yeah?” “You up for Pop’s later?” “Yeah of course let me just shower and I’ll be ready!” “I can join you.” Sweet Pea mumbles through the door and you laugh. “Then we’d never leave.” You grin and can hear him laughing back. “One of these days you’ll take me up on it!” You roll your eyes fondly, fingers tracing over your scars and scabs before you finish getting dressed, turning the shower on and wetting your hair in the sink before turning the shower off and shaking your head to let the water splatter slightly.

“Babe you’re a mess.” Sweet Pea laughs as you peak out from the bathroom grinning. “Which is why we can never shower together, can you imagine where we’d get the water.”You  lean forward to kiss him and he grin pulling you from the bathroom and towards the door still kissing you.

You’ve only been in Pop’s for a hour but you can feel the itch dragging up and down your skin; you can feel it crawling underneath and you’re practically sitting on your hands leaning forward desperately trying to pay attention to whatever Cheryl is saying. “Aw sweet food’s here! Now you can finally shut up about that stupid Vixen thing.” Fangs laughs pulling his burger over and Sweet Pea nudges yours, you smile nodding hoping you don’t look pained. “Y/N you okay? You look kinda pale.” “Just hungry, didn’t eat breakfast cause someone took too long in the shower.” You turn grinning despite the sharp look in your eyes. “Says the one who took almost a half hour!” “I was shaving.” Toni nods when Sweet Pea shakes his head. “You ever try to just shave your legs? That takes like fifteen minutes you know that; adding in whatever else she wants to shave.” “What else is there.” Sweet Pea laughs when you shake your head.

“Nothing you’re going to see with that attitude.” You pull the burger closer the ache returning and you squirm trying not to grimace at the spikes in pain you get when the new cuts rub against your clothes. You know it’s not enough right now but it’s going to have to be. “Well now we have to go back early so I can see exactly what you shaved right Y/N?” You nod pretending to focus on your burger not the panic at coming up with another excuse.

“You okay babe, you know I don’t want to push you; if you don’t want to show me it’s okay.” Sweet Pea starts to apologize as you make it back to his trailer. “No it’s not; I just. I’m nervous but not about being with you.” He looks relieved but confused. “Give me a second.” You sigh pulling him into the trailer and locking the door. “Okay don’t- what are you doing?” “Making tea, my mom used to say it’d help with stress and you seem really freaked out plus I need something to do so I don’t just grab you and hide with you under the blankets.”

“I; you know I’m depressed; like clinically right?” He nods sitting on the couch eyes occasionally flicking to the kettle he’d put on. “And you know how I talk about coping mechanisms; how there are ones I use.” “Yeah like how sometimes you just need an hour alone in the bedroom with me out of the house.” He nods eagerly when you smile. “Yeah; there are also bad ones. That I use.” You watch his hands flutter by his side. “I hurt myself. A lot. All the time. Which is why I don’t let you seem me naked. I want to I just; I look so horrible.” Sweet Pea nods slowly. “You don’t look horrible to me; no matter what your skin looks like; I love you, because of who you are, not how you look.” “ You don’t mean that.” “I do, even if I see what your skin looks like; if I never see it; that doesn’t matter I want you to be comfortable with me; just like I am with you. Do you want to show me?” You hesitate chewing your lip but nodding.

“Would it help if I stripped as well?” “Why?” “Well less awkward if we’re both naked yeah?” You shrug a little and he tugs his shirt off. “See I started; you can if you want. If not I’m jut going to chill like this and-“ Sweet Pea watches you as you pull your shirt off. You can see the way his eyebrows furrow as he follows the lines wrapping your hips and sides. “When I put my arm around you; does that hurt?” He steps forward and you nod; you watch his hand pull back. “It’s okay; it’s sort of…” You trail off hesitating.

“Do you mean to leave scars?” His voice is soft and you nod. “It’s comforting to see it.” You can’t help how your fingers run over the older ones, white and thin; barely there lines that could be creases of odd skin if looked at too fast. “You like it because it hurts just as much as the creation right?” You frown looking up to him swallowing. “I never thought of it that way.” “It makes sense, as much as there is relief in hurting; the scars are just as bad; you have to hide them; you can’t let anyone see or it’ll be worse; that’s a way to hurt yourself. Just like cutting.” He steps closer arm circling your shoulder and down your back. He kisses your forehead. “Just like getting into fights and having a short temper.” He mumbles and you tense.

“People don’t think twice about when I get hurt anymore; it’s not that nobody cares; they do, but it’s normal; why would they worry about what’s normal.” He half grins resting his forehead against yours. “Sweet Pea.” “I’m here; sorry I was trying to relate, trying to help I just thought it would be nice to hear. Well not nice but; you know..” He trails off and you nod. “Can you kiss me?” “Can you; are you okay with this?”

“You kissing me? That’s why I asked.” “No, uh being shirtless.” “I mean do you want me to put my shirt back on?” You try your best not to be disappointed. “No babe, I mean the view is incredible you have an amazing body; just, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.” “Oh, um no I’m not.” He grins leaning forward. “Aww babe are you blushing?” “No.” You turn away from him; and he takes advantage kissing your neck.

“No matter what’s going on in your life I’m here. Talk to me if you need. I love you; every part of you; every inch, no matter how you feel about yourself I love you, nothing you do will change that about me; I’m always going to love you.” You nod turning back to kiss him on the lips, you can feel his hands hovering over you sides and you lean forward pressing your chests together.

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