#recovery takes more time if the trigger is constantly present

[yiotarot]

💌 Messages from your future self

Hello, this is my third pick-a-pile reading and we will be seeing what messages your future self has for you. 

As always pick a picture below, take your time and focus on which one draws you in. And if it doesn’t resonate pick another one. This is a collective reading so might not resonate with everyone, take what does and leave what doesn’t.

If you want to book a paid reading you can do so here.

Pictures below are the paint palettes from my studio, 🎨 so pick a palette:

Future self currently: Ten of summers, Bliss: May you feel deeply and transcend (sea soul journey oracle)

Pile one your future self is full of love and surrounded by family, even though it's been a tough journey they’ve found their family and are now able to enjoy it. I feel like this is quite a long way away for most of you. It doesn’t have to be children, it could just mean you have a mixture of family and a support group that are there for you. There's so much love! You’re not afraid to be vulnerable, you’ve been treated with kindness and can get along with all generations. You know that those older and younger than you have different things to offer and they are both important. The grief you’ve felt has been carried with you and it made you deeply appreciate the ones around you. Your future self said that they are glad you took the risk to be open to love and explore those intense emotions. 

What you need to focus on in the present: Ace of spring, Third quarter moon: Adjustments are required (moonology oracle) 

You need to focus on that thing you want…you know that long dreamt vision. It's time to get creative and write down what you want. Journal, write down inspirational quotes or read books that give you an insight into what you need to learn to get you there. Make a Pinterest board, tape notes to your mirror so that you can see these reminders daily. Once you know the direction you want to go, take those first steps (no matter how small) and make it a reality. Use that passion and excitement to push you forwards. Adjustments are required, of course, to let go of negativity and whatever habits that are holding you back. Don’t get lost in the moment of how things are now, you’re more than capable of turning it around and bringing in good things. You just need to re-evaluate the situation and set a plan to move on. 

What you need to stop worrying about: Grace, Compassion: May you tend to the suffering (sea soul journey oracle)

Stop worrying about what other people are doing around you! Constantly comparing yourself to others is throwing you out of balance and not giving you space to figure out what it is you want. No one path is the same, everyones time is different and you’re running on a completely different clock to them. Look at what it is you need to work on, maybe some people around you make you more aware of those things…Take a step back, its okay to be vulnerable (with the people you trust). There might be some habits you picked up from others that isn’t helping you (acting out in fear etc), so it’s time to treat yourself with kindness in order to reprogram the way you act and think. Don’t let yourself suffer alone talk to trusted to people, it could help you see different perspectives and how you can work on certain areas of your life. Focus on yourself instead of others. 

Advice from future self: Nine of spring, dusk, Space: May your heart and your scope expand (sea soul journey oracle), Full moon in pisces: Balance spirituality and practicality (moonology oracle) 

You’re currently going through a low period and you’re being asked not to sit in it for too long and get lost. Look at the simple things in life and enjoy the small pleasures. This quiet time is ideal for you to work on yourself and re-evaluate what it is you want. Ignore outside influences and negativity, focus on the good. You’ve face many difficulties and its time to work through you’re recovery and analyse the triggers to help you overcome them in the future. Check in on yourself, keep a diary and self evaluate when its quiet. 

Give yourself space to breathe, clear your mind and expand your horizon. By taking the time to work on self-growth, you’ll be able to see your life as a blank canvas. There’s so much you can do, you just need to give yourself the time and energy to dream about it. Just make sure you’re balancing it out with taking practical steps towards your dream. Ne ideas and dreams are able to flourish when you give yourself space. 

Bottom deck energy: Page of winter

New perspectives and ideas are coming. You’re opening your mind to all the possibilities, what you can achieve. Re-focusing your energy on yourself. It’s a reminder to pursue the things you want and learn the skills you need in order to get it. Breaking the cycle. 

Messages: Little did I know. Always come back to you. I’ll always be there for you. Think about you. Written letters. Take control. Didn’t know my own strength.

Future self currently: The star, Resilient: May your soul weather the storms (sea soul journey oracle)

Pile two, all that dreaming and hoping is where your future self is. They didn’t allow the set backs and obstacles to bring them down or make them bitter. They kept pushing, knowing that they were capable of having the life they desired. Your future self is expanding their horizon and dreaming more. They haven’t lost their curiosity or drive to succeed. They’re content with how things played out and looking up to bigger and better things. Wish fulfilment. some of you are also well recognised in your creative fields. 

What you need to focus on in the present: Three of pentacles, Ace of wands, New moon in Libra: A new romantic life begins (moonology oracle) 

You need to focus on expressing yourself and your creativity or new ideas/passions. Your dreams and desires might be a shared goal that you can collaborate with others. You don’t have to do everything alone, working alongside others even if its temporary can spark new inspiration and ideas that can help you create something new. Networking with new people that push you to pursue different perspectives and get you out of your comfort zone, might be the push you need to be seen in a new light. For some of you, you might meet someone romantically through work or collaboration. It could also be a mentor that helps you reach your full potential. 

What you need to stop worrying about: The sun, Balsamic moon: A time for healing (moonology oracle)

I feel like with recognition comes a lot of spotlight on you. There’s things you’re starting to pick up on or people are pointing it out. As creatives you are expressing your emotions in your work, so its understandable that people are asking about your experiences and thoughts. Just make sure you’re taking time to heal and not overworking yourself that you burn out. You’ll have both good and bad critics, don’t take this to heart but don’t let it go to your head either. As long as you look after yourself and don’t get carried away with this new recognition you will be alright. Stay humble and grounded. 

Advice from future self: Ace of Pentacles, Beauty: May you perceive natures artistry afresh (sea soul journey oracle)

Your future self is telling you to invest in yourself. You’re about to start a new cycle, one that can lead you to your desires. Look at where you need to put your time and energy, whatever you put in you get out. If you need to learn new skills, you can do it along the way. Plant the seed now and take care of it, watch it grow. There’s so much room for you to grow. Make a clear plan, research ways to get you there and connect with like-minded people who push you to be your best self. Stayed determined and be consistent with how you work, you can have everything you want if you have a concrete set plan. Make sure you’re keeping up to date with your goals and be open to new opportunities, tweaking those goals so you don’t miss out on what you want. May you see the beauty in yourself reflected in others, connect with people through your creativity. You’ll need to show your vision and passion in order to be really seen. 

Bottom deck energy: Six of swords

You’ll be moving into uncharted territory but this is a rite of passage. You’ll be releasing a lot negative things or people in your life (whether that be your choice or its forced upon you). You might be holding onto some heavy stuff that you don’t need to be holding onto, you’re shedding them parts of yourself in order to move on. This is needed for personal growth and getting the life you desire, its only holding you back from making progress. You know what needs to be released and what needs to be changed. This might be upsetting but its vital for you to cut certain things out in order for you to see clearly, somethings are clouding your vision. You’ll be stepping into the person you want to be. 

Messages: Stars shining so bright. Look inside yourself. I can make it. Been in the rough for long enough. You are everything. Wish on a star. Dreaming of you. Everyone stares as you walk past. Where are you now?

Future self currently: Six of pentacles, New moon in Cancer: You and your love ones are safe (moonology oracle)

Pile three your future self is financial stable and in a position to provide for you and your family. This is something that you never thought was possible before but you are now seeing a new meaning to life. The hard work has payed off and you can enjoy it. You’ve struggled and gone through a lot of dark times but came out on top. This doesn’t just have to be money related, having money gives you the means to take a break and help others too, as well as taking time for yourself. You also like to give back to others or the community, you know how hard it can be to ask for help when times are low so you’re more than happy to help those in need. 

What you need to focus on in the present: Five of pentacles, Eight of wands, Wild: May you express all that you are (sea soul journey oracle)

You need to focus on movement. Currently you’re in a low period, money might be tight and you’re stuck in a lack mentality. You’re so focused on the things you don’t have that you’re not realising all the good stuff you do have. You need to shift your thinking and search for the steps to take you to get more abundance in your life. Don’t live in fear thinking that you will lose certain things, theres always opportunity to turn things around and you just have to make sure you have a set plan and a safety net to fall back on. Feel all the emotions, express them and use them to push you to find a path to get you to your desired life. Don’t let this lack mindset control you and prevent you from moving forwards, you need to make moves! Appreciate the good things and focus on what you can do to make your situation better now. Maybe have a gratitude journal where you can write down all the things you are grateful for. And if you need help, ask! (trusted people of course)

What you need to stop worrying about: The magician, Strength, Full moon in Aquarius: Show the world the real you (moonology oracle)

You’re more than capable of getting your desires…where you’re stuck in that lack mindset you’re not seeing what a master manifester you are. This mindset is like a cloak, not letting you reveal who you truly are. Shedding that layer and giving yourself the opportunity to dream will help you manifest. It’s like you think too much about what you want and see it as unattainable but it’s yours for the taking if you work for it. It’s going to be a long and gruelling journey but if you really ask yourself what you want and have a clear vision, you can act on it with setting goals. Think about that dream, you’ve already been through so much and you know you have the strength to overcome any obstacles or challenges that meet you on your way. 

Advice from future self: Two of pentacles, Accept: May you receive what is, as it comes (sea soul journey oracle)

Accept where you are currently at and take the steps, no matter how small to making your desires a reality. prepare along the way, make sure your ready and able to work around the things that don’t go your way. Welcome in the opportunities that weren’t planned and accept the best for you. As your shifting your mindset, you will need to balance the past you and who you want to be. Release and let of go of things gradually, it’s not healthy to radically change so start small but stay consistent. Accept what you can’t change right now and work on what you can, theres always time to make the changes later on down the line. It might feel like a juggle trying to balance everything when you decide to make some moves, drop whatever doesn’t feel right to you (if you can that is). Prioritise the most important things first and the rest can follow, ask for help if you need it. If you feel overwhelmed, take a break and look at what you can do to organise your life to make it easier for you to handle. I feel like for some of you there will be sudden thought or action you do that will just click for you, you’ll wonder why you didn’t try it before. 

Bottom deck energy: Queen of cups

You’re caring and kind to others. You might have people that rely on you for emotional support, the rock in a relationship. No matter what hardships, you should listen to your own intuition and act on your dreams. A lot of people learn from you and go to for guidance, maybe this could be what is holding you back in some respects. The notion of always being there for others instead of focusing on your dreams/desires. It’s good to be able to help people just don’t let it get in the way of you progressing in life. Now I can see why your future self is so adamant about giving to others, it’s just the way you are. 

Messages: Suddenly. Are you strong enough? You’re beautiful. Am I allowed to look at her like that? Back to you. 

Thank you so much for interacting/reading with my post, I hope it resonated for you. I wish you all the best in your journey :) Please don’t copy or repost my work. 

🌙 Yio

#tarot readings #divination #tarot reading #witchblr #tarot #pick a pile reading #pick a pile tarot #pick a card reading #tarotblr #tarotcommunity #oracle cards #pac reading #pac tarot #tarot pac #pac #free tarot readings

[selvesdiscovery]

hi .. we want to stay on anon for this one due to the nature of the question. Alright, so ... We're disordered, and I wasn't aware of my system for a long time, and because of how our trauma works, I'm basically frontstuck and I hate it. I struggled to communicate with my headmates, and most had to learn how to co-front because we'd never done it before. I wanted to leave front completely because I just want a break, I know that's normal and not too bad.

So about the more disconcerting part ... In working to front switch more, we started noticing more heavy amnesia we didn't notice before due to me always being the one in front. The biggest is time loss (which is much less of a blackout and more of a dilation, but idk if that's because I don't completely lose consciousness?), but I also struggle to remember more than even the most basic of events if I'm far from front, random switches are happening way more often, things like that. I'm losing the control I didn't realize I had over us.

My point is, though, that .... I kind of like it, honestly? I really like it. I'm so much happier like this. I trust my headmates to do whatever's needed without me, being able to rotate things out more consistently is a huge weight off of me, the amnesia/time loss is actually a relief because I meticulously over-analyze every single action the body does. My desire to present as "sane" to singlets grows less and less every day, especially since we're already nonworking and unable to drive due to separate circumstances. I feel myself wanting to get to the point where I'm so far in back that I don't get shaky and fearful and forced back into the front seat when somebody in outerworld "requires" me. Not forever, because I have partners in the system and out and a life I want to live, but I crave that disconnect I or others in my system can sometimes initiate.

Would it be wrong of me to not discourage these aspects of our system normally considered "disordered"? I really don't mind not remembering things, my headmates remind me, and my qpp is usually there to tell me what I missed. I already have other memory problems so it feels more like accepting them. Random switches are only mildly annoying at best, and have only caused trouble when a singlet in outerworld expects something of me. Letting go of control and letting my headmates figure things out has been a relief and a blessing, a freedom from the exhaustion I constantly feel. It's also been improving the mental health of the headmates we rotate out with.

But I know these aspects are quite literally part of *why* we're disordered. I know some aspects of disabilities are only disabling because we live in a society catered to the "abled" side of the false dichotomy. But I see people around the system community saying encouraging dissociation and memory separation is dangerous, wrong, and anti-recovery. We... Really need an outside opinion, if that's alright.

TLDR: Is it wrong to encourage dissociative aspects of our system when it's drastically improving our mental health?

Hi!! Thanks for reaching out anon.

Honestly, not at all. I'm super happy for you, and very glad that you take comfort in the aspects of yourselves that are meant to be disordered.

If it makes you feel any better, we entirely relate. The amnesia, dissociation, time loss, losing control, switching a lot, especially when triggered or overwhelmed, are all extremely helpful and beneficial to us. Of course they're inconvenient sometimes, and unpleasant when we try to present as sane like you said, but they formed to protect us. They literally came to be to make us feel better. There's no shame in being relieved and grateful for these coping mechanisms your brain has built in for you.

There's also no shame if they end up getting more difficult at some point. The state of your symptoms with OSDDID is notoriously fluid, it's okay if you hate your symptoms and just want to be "normal" one day, and are grateful for everything they do for you the next. There's no shame in wanting to step back, dissociate, and block everything out from time to time, or even all the time.

We are very proud of you for finding happiness where you are. Never feel pressured to change that for anybody. The most invaluable thing a trauma survivor could possibly feel is happy with themselves. Being happy or content will never ever be anti-recovery, the entire goal of trauma recovery is to be happy and accept yourself. It would only be anti-recovery if it remained maladaptive, and hurt you more than it helped, yet you continued to lean in onto it. Clearly, you're& doing great. Keep it up!

#Mod Cyn 💥 #plurality #headmates #anon #ask #osddid #traumagenic #disordered #self acceptance

[two-days-to-peace]

TW: reflection on restrictive ED (pro-recovery)

Purposely triggering myself despite the fact that I’ve spent the last year chasing recovery is wild. Sometimes I just miss the “comfort” and false sense of control I would get from the restriction. I also miss the way I looked.

HOWEVER, I don’t miss:

-never knowing if/when I was going to get my period

-nearly passing out every time I’d stand up

-being cold constantly

-losing my hair in clumps

-feeling like I had to “earn” my food every time

-brain fog/terrible memory

-inability to concentrate

-out of control binges where I’d eat till I’m sick

-heart palpitations and very low BP

-fearing food/eating to the point where I am so overwhelmed all I can do is cry

-realizing over and over that no matter how much I restricted, my weight would always plateau (and blaming myself for not being “strong enough” to get really small)

-never feeling sick enough bc I didn’t look like other people with EDs

-bullying & hating myself (constantly)

-getting sick trying to work out fasted

-fearing meals with friends and feeling pride when I ate less than them

-constant shit mood from being hangry

-the refeeding process during recovery & NIGHT SWEATS (why didn’t anyone tell me about these before I went into recovery)

I love that in recovery I’ve found:

-a clear head

-a regular and predictable period (first time in my entire life I haven’t had to be on the pill to make this happen)

-the ability to thermoregulate

-the ability to enjoy meals with the people I love without worrying about what or how much I’m eating and if it looks “normal”

-restored passion for the field of kinesiology

-the waves in my hair became more defined and my hair thickening back up

-more balanced mood (also helped to get my adhd dx lmao)

-complete food freedom on my best days

-no guilt for having “lazy” days

-the ability to be present in my own life

-even more wonderful and supportive friends

-better snacks (like actually fuck rice cakes lol I will never eat another)

-the freedom to spend my life focusing on what I have and who I am rather than what I lack

-ability to honestly talk about my 20 years of EDs and disordered eating

-passion to help others through my openness

I feel a little better after writing this all down. I think I’ll have a snack, take a quick warm shower and watch some bobs burgers in bed.

Take care of yourself and if no one has told you lately: I love you.

#personal #ed recovery #tw #tw ed #pro recovery #important

[vermillionsstuff]

Sup everyone, I'm writing this as an honest look at the world from the perspective of someone with ASPD (among other things; comorbid BPD + NPD traits). I'm hoping to help people understand ASPD through how my experience made me who I am. I'm already well aware that my behavior in the past was unacceptable and am currently starting the recovery process btw, hopefully you find this educational as it was intended.

MANY TRIGGER WARNINGS AHEAD

So right from the jump my life wasn't off to a good start, I was born into less than fortunate circumstances and only had a single alcoholic parent to take care of me along with my grandparents. We didn't have any money ourselves and often fell back on their financial support, which wasn't a big deal at first. Despite their demons, my parent had decent skills in civil engineering and landed a good job. Most if not all of the money they earned went straight into alcohol and only further fueled their dependence. It started to cause issues between my grandparents and my parent so much that they kicked us out and I spent 3 years living alone with my parent.

These years are when all of the significant damage was done, most of it is very blurry but I still recall that I was beaten and disowned. I was 7 at the time and my grades began going down rapidly, it caused a lot of concern from my teacher who also started to report my behavioral issues at school. I'm not proud of any of this... but, yes, I bullied people and would act VERY shitty to anyone nice enough to be my friends.

I began to get ostracized as we all grew up due to my bad behavior and I internalized this anger, I felt like I couldn't fit in anywhere. I always ended up making people upset without understanding why they felt this way and eventually I started to feel even more alienated from my peers into high school where it all reached its boiling point.

High school was a mixed bag in terms of how fondly I remember it. On one hand, I met a lot of like minded people who didn't care about society's norms and finally had a chance to socialize and form some kind of relationship with someone. On the other hand, the school was onto me and I still had no comprehension that anything was even wrong with me. It felt extremely overbearing as I was forced to attend weekly meetings regarding my grades and behavior, this constant pressure created a rift between my parent and I as many of these meetings ended in me arguing and fighting with them.

Eventually my school determined I was just too much to handle as I wasn't improving whatsoever and sent me to an alternative learning environment. By this point I didn't care much for schoolwork and only got into a few fights out of self defense. I still wouldn't have considered myself violent and it stayed that way until I went to my new school, because now I was just surrounded by other little shits who made my behavior even worse. I was introduced to self medicating by the people at that school and my friends would drag me into fights constantly. It was hell and I hated everybody, there wasn't a single moment where I felt at peace. I felt like I had less than nothing and was forced to fend for myself in any way I could to get what I felt I needed (money, substances, favors, reputation, etc).

After graduating and entering the real world I struggled with unemployment and snagged a few jobs that I quickly lost and watched all the friendships I made in high school deteriorate before reaching what I consider to be the lowest point of my life.

Now we're at present day. Just a few months ago I finally caved in, I couldn't stand not understanding why I just couldn't fit in or seemingly have a single moment of peace no matter what I did and seeked out help through online therapy. After looking through my history and understanding my behavior they concluded that I met the diagnostic criteria for ASPD and now do a lot of reflecting. I was always told that people like me didn't feel ANY emotion whatsoever and were almost like machines put on this planet purely to manipulate and kill, this obviously isn't true lol. I feel emotion and even empathy on a cognitive level, meaning that if you came to me with horrible news of a relative's death I wouldn't necessarily feel sad about it, but I can understand how that would effect someone and I would support them in any way I know how. I'm not upset and I don't hold nearly as much resentment as I used to for my past.

So yeah.

This is my story. I tried to stay informative while sparing the unneeded details, if you have any questions be sure to ask me and I'll answer if I see fit. Take care.

- Vermillion

#antisocial personality disorder #aspd #cluster b #mental instability #personality disorder #trauma

[screaming--agony]

Dear Diary,

Since the minute I woke up, my day has been fucked. My brother who doesn’t talk to me, argued so hard about George Floyd and police vs riots vs protests. In the end he sided with police, but he is biased because the law enforcement where he lives refuses to participate in violence. Historically, my brother has always had it easy so I’m not entirely surprised but it still hurts.

Not long ago I had an argument with my mom. It started out as medication, I hate taking pills because its a trigger but I’m in a program where I have to take pills. My mom doesn’t understand the daily struggle of taking medication after abusing pills. And thats fine, its understandable. The topic switched to visitors, as in her mom, and how they decreased since quarantine and my dogs new recovery time because I finally got him neutered. So his behavior is figuring itself out. It doesn’t help when people come over and ignore my requests to not  interact when my dog starts to rile up. But no one listens, my dog starts jumping and people start bitching. In result, my mom goes outside on the patio. When my dog first got fixed, all I asked people to do was call ahead of the visit so I can get my  dog situated in my room. But no one respects me. Ever. I make simple requests and people antagonize. Respect? None. Every day, I still tell my mom that I just want a notice and she bitched me out. It’s my fault because my dogs health has declined since I moved back home. I agree but I think its because he is constantly worked up and his body isn’t letting the medicine to get into his system and work properly. Every other day someone would come over, regardless of knowing I wanted a notice. My mom doesn’t see the ignored simple request. I’m to blame. She went on about how she does everything. Cleaning. Cooking. Taking my dog outside/giving him food. First off, every time I try to clean, she complains she has nothing to do. Second, I cook just as much as she does throughout the week. Third, I never ask her to do anything for/with my dog. When she does, I always say thank you because I highly appreciate help. However, she uses it all against me. Everyone uses/twists everything I do against me. 

I’m so tired of being blamed. It’s exhausting. I feel like a ghost.

Life fucking hates me

#dear diary #im trying to recover #trigger #medication #constantly ignored #im a ghost #family dysfunction #no justice #i just want respect #disrespect #sick #i dont let people in because they use everything against me #recovery takes more time if the trigger is constantly present #bitched out #depression #im so tired #blame me #numb #heart vs mind

[kinncman]

A LIST OF PLOTLESS TOWN RP-FRIENDLY CHARACTER IDEAS & CONNECTIONS INSPIRED BY MOVIES! (PART 1)

click here for part two.

i collected a couple of plot ideas from some of the movies i thought had interesting stories or characters that i hope can help you with your applications / character connections. please note that a lot of these are, by no means, the actual plots of the films and are only inspired by them. i’ve taken the liberty of making a couple of edits for them to be ‘plotless town rp-friendly’. also, i would’ve separated them by category (platonic, romantic, familial, etc.) but tbh a lot of these can be taken in any way so feel free to put your own spin on them, too, or even make combinations!

trigger warnings: nothing too specific, but there are light mentions of death, road accident, infidelity, illness, injury, drug addiction.

now, without further ado:

BAY OF ANGELS  // muse a met muse b on a vacation several years ago, brought together because they were both from the same home country and realized that they were traveling to run away from something. muse a came to learn that this wasn’t muse b’s first rodeo, and where this was the first time that muse a had tried to run away from their problems, muse b had been running for most of their life. muse b initially wished to emulate the same free-spirited, high-risk-high-reward principles that muse a lived by. however, muse b started to display totally erratic behavior that prompted muse a to question whether they were making the right choices. eventually, they went home. jump to present day where they meet again in their home country— muse b has toned down somewhat due to a traumatic event (a hard lesson to learn for them) meanwhile, muse a’s life remains the same cycle of events they can’t seem to break free from.

CLEO FROM 5 TO 7 // muse a suspects they are sick but refuses to go to the doctor to have it checked. most of their days are plagued with this feeling of doom enshrouding them, causing them to have a general distaste for life. they meet muse b who has profoundly positive disposition towards life. their company helps muse a to come to terms with the fact that perhaps their illness is something they should deal with. with muse b’s help, muse a starts to find meaning in death.

HAPPY OLD YEAR // muse a left town / the country for college, leaving behind all their friends and family, cutting all ties in a heartbeat, only to come back several years later a completely changed person who subscribes to the idea of minimalism and wants to get rid of all the clutter in their life, material or otherwise. this brings them to reconnect with muse b (and a variety of other muses if the mun wishes) when they find their old belongings and return them in order to be ‘minimalist’ and get rid of all the garbage in their home, which means getting rid of memories, too. however, muse b, who has now moved on from muse a and is with someone else, isn’t too pleased with having muse a back in their life. muse a is desperate to find the closure that muse b isn’t giving them, primarily because muse b knows that muse a is after starting over on a clean slate only to clear their conscience and not to make amends.

YI-YI: A ONE AND A TWO // muse a and muse b were each other’s first and greatest loves but are currently married to other people. when they are reunited through a chance encounter, they decide that it’s better to have each other in their lives as friends than not at all. they realize they still do have feelings for each other but because of their spouses, know that they can never be anything else other than friends. thus begins a journey of trying to bring their old selves back into the light as new people.

MIKEY AND NICKY // muse a and muse b are best friends since childhood. muse a is neurotic, childish, and wildly impulsive, and often has to depend on muse b to get them out of trouble only to show very little gratitude for it, much to muse b’s chagrin. in fact, muse b often finds themself thrown under the bus in muse a’s favor, though it’s not entirely muse a’s fault: muse b is an enabler. however, muse b can’t quite seem to quit muse a (either because they love the feeling of being needed and there’s no one who needs them more than muse a or maybe they’ve been in love with muse a since childhood— or both) until a certain event causes muse b to question whether they are healthy for each other at all.

IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE // muse a and muse b are neighbors, both living with their significant others. both muse a and muse b often see each other in the hallways or share an elevator up to their apartment when they come home from work. maybe they even carpool sometimes. however, they spare very little in the way of words until one day, muse a breaks down while drunk and admits that they think their partner is cheating on them. in an attempt to comfort them, muse b reveals that they think the same thing of their own partner. desperate for answers, they conduct an investigation until they realize that their partners are cheating on them with each other. muse a and muse b become each other’s support system, as they try to coach each other through an impending breakup all the while realizing that they might be developing feelings for each other and must now choose between indulging their feelings or deny themselves the hypocrisy.

TAKE THIS WALTZ // muse a meets muse b on a trip out of town and they instantly connect. they share the same flight back home and even a cab ride from the airport. however, they soon realize that muse b is muse a’s new neighbor, which makes things plenty awkward considering how a) they’ve been borderline flirty the whole time and b) muse a is married to someone who they now consider to be far less interesting in comparison to muse b. regardless, once they’ve recognized a mutual attraction with each other, muse a demands for muse b to keep their distance, only to keep running into each other everywhere, much to muse a’s chagrin.

LAST LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE // muse a is witness to a terrible road accident involving a pedestrian. muse a takes the pedestrian and their sibling, muse b to the hospital where muse b’s sibling is declared dead on arrival. despite being total strangers, muse a stays with muse b through the entire process. eventually, muse a takes muse b home but muse a refuses to let muse b leave, claiming they don’t want to be left alone in the house that they previously shared with their now deceased sibling. having money troubles of their own and on the brink of an eviction, muse a ends up staying with muse b not just for the night but for the week until they get comfortable enough with each other that muse b invites muse a to officially live with them to help with their financial problems, but mostly because they don’t know how to handle their grief alone.

THE FALL // muse a is in an outpatient physical rehabilitation facility after suffering from a near-fatal injury when they meet muse b. the pair are polar opposites in terms of their attitudes towards recovery: where muse a is more hopeful, muse b only throws pity parties for themself considering that this injury might prevent them from fully getting back to doing what they love. despite this, the two form an unlikely bond where muse b is completely enthralled with muse a, who tells them stories about their travels and their career and all the amazing things they’ve done, without realizing until they’re in too deep that they are all fabricated versions of the truth and muse b falls for every single one of them. what started as little white lies becomes a source of anxiety for muse a when the lies just get bigger and bigger.

COLUMBUS // muse a is a young, aspiring [insert career here] but to pursue this passion, they must leave their hometown, which they have constantly been refusing to do despite the numerous opportunities having been presented to them on account of the fear that no one else is going to take care of their mother (who, in the movie, is a recovering drug addict but it can be for any reason or relative in this case). muse b’s father is a well-known [insert career that muse a wants here] and is in town to hold a lecture/exhibit/performance/etc etc depending on the career, but then he suffers from a stroke. muse b, despite being estranged from their father for having been scrutinized by the man for most of their life, is forced to come to town and take care of him being their closest living relative. they meet muse a by chance, only to learn shortly after that they are a huge fan of muse b’s parent’s work. having spent their whole life in this town, muse a becomes muse b’s tour guide of sorts, while inadvertently helping each other come to terms with their relationship with their parents and how they can be kinder to themselves.

SECRET SUNSHINE // after their spouse’s passing, muse a moves from the big city to their spouse’s much, much smaller hometown so they can raise their child there. they meet all of the important figures of their spouse’s childhood including muse b, a local shopkeeper and an old friend of their spouse’s, who, despite muse a’s reluctance, helps them adjust to small town life. the pair eventually closer to each other and muse a to their spouse as they find out more about who they were before they met.

THIS IS WHERE I LEAVE YOU // (originally lgbtqia+ and written about older characters with grown children, but make of this plot what u will, tbh) muse a and muse b are best friends. both married, both with grown kids. muse a’s spouse died a long time ago so they’ve had plenty of time to help muse b take care of their spouse in the couple of months leading to that spouse’s death. in the process, the pair have grown intimate (with muse b’s spouse’s knowledge— in fact, they encouraged muse a to ‘take care’ of muse b in the event of their passing and wouldn’t trust anyone else to do so) but haven’t told their families yet in fear of what they might think of them given their age and how they’re basically uncles/aunts to each other’s children.

#rpc #rph #rp help #writing help #plot ideas #inspo #*

[burkymakar]

Hi ma queen would you be able to post at least some of the Byram article from today plz 🥺🥺🥺🥺

i live to pirate the athletic to you all (source)

trigger warning: talks extensively about depression, medical issues within the NHL, and concussions at length.

Bowen Byram was sick of it. Sick of thinking he was better, only for symptoms to return. Sick of not being able to put everything into his offseason training. Sick of not feeling like himself.

The Avalanche defenseman called his mom one day this summer when the load got too heavy. He had felt totally out of it skating that morning. Months of frustration — of setbacks and symptoms and not knowing what was wrong — had built up. When Stacey Byram answered, he confessed a growing worry: that his career was slipping away.

“What am I going to do now?” he remembers asking. “I can’t play hockey anymore.”

Sitting in his Toyota Tacoma in Vancouver, where he trains during the offseason, he was a worn-down 20-year-old, struggling and scared. He’d never suffered a serious injury before the 2020-21 season, but in his first full year as an NHL player, he’s dealt with multiple concussions, vertigo and COVID-19, all of which have limited him to only 30 games.

At times over the summer, Byram didn’t know what symptoms were caused by what. His medical situation was perplexing, and the recovery process hasn’t been fun. The family thought at various times they were done with it, and then something else would go wrong.

Now, after it finally looked like he weathered the worst of his problems, an errant elbow has thrown him back on the roller coaster once again.

Byram, who often sports a youthful grin, is confident and chatty when he feels like himself. He’s a jokester, someone who occasionally talked too much while growing up in Cranbrook, British Columbia, but was constantly kind, looking for ways to include classmates and teammates, his mom says. When New Jersey defenseman Ty Smith met Byram four years ago on Canada’s U18 team, he couldn’t believe how outgoing his new teammate was, and Avalanche forward Tyson Jost calls Byram bubbly, a “salt of the earth guy” who brings good banter to the dressing room.

“He’s a social being,” Stacey says. “He’s touchy and interactive and wants to look in your eyes.”

So the isolation of the COVID-19 pandemic posed challenges for Byram. He didn’t appear in any games for the Avalanche in the 2020 playoffs but skated with the team in the Edmonton bubble, spending more than a month within the strict parameters there. Then, at Team Canada’s training camp ahead of World Junior Championships, he had to quarantine for 14 days in his hotel room after two teammates tested positive for the virus. He ultimately captained Canada to a silver medal and, in January 2021, arrived in Denver to join the Avalanche and take the first step in a lifelong dream: playing NHL games.

But the 2020-21 season was far from normal. Colorado instructed players to remain cautious of the virus, so there weren’t the normal get-togethers or team outings. His parents weren’t in the stands for his NHL debut; they watched from their couch in Cranbrook.

Byram, the people lover, spent his free time by himself, all while adjusting to being a young defenseman in the world’s hardest league.

“Of course, he was ecstatic being down there,” Stacey says. “(But) I could tell he was really lonely.”

Then came the concussions. Byram doesn’t know what caused the first one, which he sustained in a late-February game against Arizona. He just woke up the next morning not feeling right.

When the team diagnosed Byram with a concussion, Stacey decided she needed to be there. She drove 17 hours to Denver from Cranbrook, presenting a note from the team at the U.S.-Canada border saying she was coming to help her son.

Byram recovered fine from the first concussion, returning to the lineup 19 days later. But then, with the Avalanche hosting Vegas in late March, he found himself chasing a puck toward the side boards. As he flung the puck out of the defensive zone, Golden Knights forward Keegan Kolesar flew toward him, leaving his feet and making contact with Byram’s head. The defenseman grabbed his helmet before skating off the ice and heading to the dressing room.

With fans not yet allowed in Ball Arena due to COVID-19 regulations, Stacey watched on TV from her son’s apartment. She texted her husband, Shawn, after the play. They worried and waited, but the fear dissipated when Byram eventually returned to the game.

That relief faded as soon he got home.

“I could tell the minute he walked in it wasn’t good,” she says.

Byram was upfront with her, saying he didn’t feel well but would go to bed and see how he was doing in the morning. When he woke up, there was no improvement. He felt foggy. Not like himself.

That hit began a yo-yo of progress and setbacks. Concussion recovery isn’t linear, so at points Byram would feel better, only to hit another rut. He started dealing with vertigo, too.

“I’d be so dizzy, I’d be over the toilet almost throwing up,” he says.

During times he felt up for it, Byram and Stacey would go for walks. They’d play cards or go for a drive, one time making a trip to Red Rocks to take in the sandstone formations.

On other days, Byram couldn’t do much.

“I just wasn’t really up for it most of the time just because I was feeling not like myself,” he says.

The Avalanche set him up with a sports psychologist, and that helped. He also took to meditating, using the Calm app on his iPhone almost daily, which allowed him to play guided audio tailored to specific situations, be it for when he was relaxing or getting to sleep.

“(It) helps you lift that weight you’re feeling off your shoulders at times,” Byram says. “I just felt like nothing was going my way. … It was kind of an escape.”

Ten days after the Kolesar hit, as Byram started feeling better, he joined the team on a four-game road trip, and Stacey headed back home to British Columbia. But as he neared a return to game action, he dealt with a setback of a different kind: He tested positive for COVID-19 while the team was in Anaheim.

Byram took a car service back to Denver, sequestered in a taped-off backseat for 16 hours. He felt a little sick for a few days after his positive test, but it wasn’t too bad. After going through protocol, he worked out a few times and — finally — got back on the ice.

That didn’t go as planned.

“After I skated, I felt like I was a corpse,” he says. “I was dizzy, couldn’t see. It was crazy. It was like somebody was pounding on my head. It was tough, and everything snowballed on top of it.”

His vertigo episodes became more frequent after he got COVID-19, and he didn’t always know what was causing his symptoms. It was, as he put it, an undocumented area. One doctor told him that COVID-19 picks on weaker parts of the body.

“And Bowen’s weak part at that time was his brain,” his dad says. “We think it put him back a long way.”

“If you have a head injury, then you get an illness that affects the neural system, you have all these side effects that nobody’s really studied yet,” says trainer Jordan Mackenzie, who worked with Byram over the summer.

With Byram’s mom back in British Columbia, his girlfriend, Kailey, visited from Nova Scotia, where she’s in college. He was frustrated with his situation and, like his mom had, his girlfriend provided moral support. Avalanche center Nathan MacKinnon also helped out, paying for Byram to work with his personal trainer, Marcin Goszczynski.

Goszczynski did functional neurology exercises with Byram, and the defenseman had an upswing ahead of the playoffs. The medical staff cleared him to play, but, while he skated with the team throughout the postseason, coach Jared Bednar didn’t put him in the lineup. The coach hadn’t been blown away with the games he’d seen Byram play earlier in the season, and he was hesitant to throw such a young player into a physical second-round playoff series against a strong Vegas team.

“Would’ve loved to have him back a few weeks before the season ended, be able to experiment with him a little bit, see how he played, and then he could’ve been a good option for us,” Bednar says. “But he just wasn’t healthy.”

When the Avalanche lost Game 6, Byram watched his first NHL season end from the press box. He had pushed to get back in the lineup, but in retrospect, he believes it’s good he didn’t get into game action, because his situation took a turn south when summer training began.

“I just went downhill again and kind of fell apart,” he says.

Byram arrived in Vancouver in mid-June, motivated for an offseason training with NHLers Brendan Gallagher, Milan Lucic and Ty Smith, only to feel the lingering effects of his injury return. Mackenzie, who has worked with Byram since 2018, noticed his recovery times were slower during workouts. He had less energy.

Mackenzie knows Byram as a loud guy, happy to talk with anyone and joke around with serious veterans like Lucic. But that aspect of his personality was lacking at the start of the summer. He normally loves skating and working out in the gym, but he physically couldn’t put all his effort into it. That sucked out the enjoyment.

“I’ve just totally been invested since I can remember,” Byram says. “I’ve always said I’m going to be a hockey player. That was the scary thing for me: not totally knowing what the future was going to hold.”

He didn’t necessarily feel terrible; just off. And the buildup of not feeling like himself led him to the call with his mom. Stacey’s heart stopped when she heard how dejected he was.

“It was probably a bit over-reactive from myself, but when you’re in positions like that and not feeling good, it really is hard to keep a positive mindset,” Byram says.

Mentally and physically exhausted, he needed to vent, he remembers, and Stacey mostly just listened. She also gave him some perspective: Just because he was injured then didn’t mean he’d always be injured.

Mackenzie and Byram’s goal for the summer was to get “Bo back to being Bo,” the trainer says. That meant pouring time into treatment. The clinic he trained at in Vancouver had a massage therapist who worked on the soft tissue around his neck, and he saw a specialist with experience in post-concussion management. He tried to check every box, hoping for a breakthrough.

That also meant seeing a therapist in Vancouver. Byram says he wasn’t depressed, but he felt on edge after months of frustration. He needed someone to help him take a step back.

“You don’t want to admit something is wrong, but when something is wrong, it needs to be taken care of,” he says. “I’m not afraid to tell anyone I saw a therapist now. I’m proud. I think everybody should. It helped me so much and it helped rejuvenate me as a person and eventually on the ice again.”

He saw improvements and, at the end of July, went on a 10-day wilderness trip in the Yukon with his dad. They camped near Kusawa Lake, completely isolated and unplugged from the outside world. To get there, they had to drive more than 24 hours north and then, since drivable roads extend only so far, take a small plane into the bush.

“There’s a lot of hardship and physical exertion and pain that goes with it,” Shawn says. “You’ve got to be motivated by something you can’t always explain.”

Byram felt symptoms on a couple of days during the trip, his dad says, but he mostly just valued the grounding presence of nature. It was hard work — they hiked more than a dozen miles some days — but good for staying in the moment. On their last evening, with a plane set to come the next morning, father and son built a fire. Byram kicked off his shoes and sat against a rock, his toes near the warmth of the flames. There was a sense of exhaustion between them, and accomplishment, too.

“That (trip) kind of gave him — and I think his nervous system — a chance to really settle down and take in all the work that had been done over the past three or four weeks before he left,” Mackenzie says.

When Byram returned to Vancouver after the trip, Mackenzie saw a shift. He radiated enthusiasm walking through the door. “Let’s go!” the trainer thought to himself.

Bo was back to being Bo.

Earlier this month, Byram glided toward the Columbus net on a two-on-one, sandy hair poking out of the back of his helmet. He waited calmly for a pass from teammate Nazem Kadri and, when it came, flicked the puck into the net. Not all defensemen have this type of offensive skill, especially at 20 years old, and Byram wasn’t done. With less than a minute left in the game and the Avalanche trailing by a goal, he flung a shot on net and watched as it zipped in for a goal. He turned, full of adrenaline, and pumped his fist.

In that moment, it felt like a statement game, like Byram had arrived as a truly dangerous NHL player — maybe even a star. He showed all the tools that led Colorado to draft him fourth overall in 2019, as well as confidence he believes he lacked during his 19-game stint last season.

“Every time I step on the ice and I feel good, it’s such a breath of fresh air, because, seriously, for a while there, I was like, ‘I’m done,’” he said at the time, noting that most of his lingering injury concern had dissipated.

A thought struck Stacey after she watched her son force overtime with the Blue Jackets. She felt like — after everything — the family had finally made it through. Sure, there had been scares since his return, notably when Byram took a dangerous cross-check into the boards against Minnesota, but her son had continually been fine. He told his mom about how good he was feeling: better than he’d felt since before his days as a major junior player in the Western Hockey League.

Then came the elbow.

With the Avalanche hosting the Canucks on Thursday, Byram skated toward Vancouver captain Bo Horvat, ready to fight for a puck along the boards. As the two collided, Horvat’s elbow hit Byram’s face and the defenseman fell to the ice. He got up quickly but skated gingerly to the bench and went down to the dressing room.

An all-too familiar problem was back.

“It’s scary stuff,” teammate and close friend Alex Newhook says.

Byram felt great the morning after absorbing Horvat’s elbow, and he skated with the team, laughing between drills like normal. But concussions are cruel and unpredictable. The next day, this past Saturday, he woke up feeling not well. By Monday, the team had put him back in concussion protocol.

“That’s not something you ever want to see,” teammate Andre Burakovsky says.

Bednar doesn’t have a return timeline, and how could he? He said this week that Byram is out until he feels better. Then, once again, he can begin the process of easing himself back into action.

Given the injury and Byram’s history, it’s unclear when that will come.

#long post #bowen byram #cw concussions

[travoltacustom]

The Presentation of Hifumi’s Trauma

I’ve been thinking on how Hifumi’s trauma has been presented for years now, and with the release of Bad Ass Temple VS Matenro, I feel like now’s as good a time as any to give my thoughts on this.

Note: This is in no way a defense of KR for the presentation of Hifumi’s trauma, but it is an analysis of such. I’m open to discussion on this and you’re free to disagree with me at any point on this. Most of this was also written BEFORE the release of the album, save for the last section.

CW: Mentions of abuse, trauma and rape + spoilers of the MTR dramatrack

I hear a lot that the presentation of Hifumi’s trauma is a ‘poor attempt at humour’, but I don’t exactly think it’s that simple. It is still a presentation of trauma, but it’s not portrayed as humorous in comparison to the rest of the humour of the series.

NARRATIVE

Hifumi panics when he sees women. He is unable to do anything until women are removed from the scene - but these instances are hardly ever the focus of the scene. It’s mostly used as a scene cutter to progress the story. When Chuo enters, Hifumi’s panic cuts off the situation and the focus shifts straight to the women. When the women find Hifumi, Doppo, Gentaro and Dice, Hifumi’s jacket is taken away to shift focus off of the women and to have Gentaro and Dice speak. Rather, Hifumi’s panic at these times are plot movers and not the focal point of the scene. Sadly, they can be seen as plot devices, but it’s not supposed to be seen as humour.

In addition to this, the ‘hysterical’ screaming (for lack of a better word) in the presence of women is limited to the dramatracks. In the manga and the anime, Hifumi runs away/removes himself from the presence of women. The purpose of Hifumi’s hysteria in the dramatracks is for visualisation purposes as there’s no visual aids - the reactions to women are toned down in the anime and manga. With this, it’s easier to believe that the anime and manga is the ‘intended’ portrayal of his reactions as the dramatrack has to make up for what isn’t seen.

PRESENTATION

The narrative is very aware that Hifumi’s trauma affects him badly. It’s a panic response. But it’s not the same as a panic attack. We know how awful the presentation of such can be, and it’s definitely something triggering for a lot of people. Personally, I would feel horrible to see him have a panic attack every time he saw a woman. KR doesn’t want to make his discomfort the focus of the scene either. Simply put, I think his trauma response is a part of the scene, but has less plot purpose than what is going on around it. 

Trauma can be presented in different ways, but it’s more controlled to see only a glimpse of how trauma has affected Hifumi. There are other ways of showing this trauma and how it’s affected Hifumi that HPMI has already covered: Hifumi being unable to take off his suit jacket, behavioural change when wearing the jacket, his extremely warped perception of danger when his life is threatened etc. He’s spent 10 years adapting to the trauma and is in a stage of recovery as he’s going to confront his said abuser. If we were compounding this plot point with an idea of a Hifumi that is always having panic attacks, then we would have a Hifumi that is clearly not ready to deal with what he wants.

COMPARISON

We know the writers can portray trauma as such from Jyushi’s backstory. If we remember the fandom response, there were people who were legitimately triggered to varying degrees by what happened to Jyushi’s grandmother and the severe bullying he suffered. Really, I believe that Hifumi’s trauma hasn’t been the forefront of scenes because narratively it’s not the time for this to happen yet.

There seems to be a ‘trauma-porn’ narrative around the need to have Hifumi’s trauma played out ‘correctly. Trauma porn is media that showcases a group’s pain and trauma in excessive amounts for the sake of entertainment. There’s no need right now to show the extent of how badly Hifumi has been affected, because his trauma isn’t the focal point of the story or his character. His past is about to be shown, but it shouldn’t be what defines Hifumi as a character. And even more importantly so, there’s no ‘right’ version of trauma to portray.

HONOBONO

[ This section is written post Bad Ass Temple VS Matenro’s dramatrack.]

There are no redeeming qualities to Honobono, the source of Hifumi’s trauma. She’s despised by Chuohku and kept around for her ‘usefulness’, and Doppo was unsure of Hifumi going to confront his own abuser. However, in the recent dramatrack, Hifumi’s power is taken away from him in Honobono forcing herself into his space. This is the first time we’ve ever seen Hifumi have an explosion of emotions; ‘a typical image of a panic attack’. It is an audibly uncomfortable scene, just as Jyushi’s backstory was to read. There are different levels to trauma responses that HPMI has shown us with the 1st season’s Hifumi with short moments, but this instance is long and drawn out with guttural screaming.

HPMI was always perfectly capable of showing trauma, but for a listener, to hear this sort of occurrence every time around a woman would be potentially harmful. At this moment, Hifumi was nearly completely paralysed, suffering a breakdown of his identity by switching pronouns and screaming (similar to Gentaro’s breakdown at the insult of his clothes). It is difficult to listen to this. I don’t believe you would’ve wanted to hear this every time Hifumi was reminded of Honobono. We’ve even learned that the abuse might not have been dealt directly to Hifumi but to his family - we see Hifumi’s love for his family here in being so torn by her actions, and how trauma does not have to deal with someone directly either.  However, the first instances of Hifumi’s trauma were more ‘digestible’ for a viewer, and they set us up for this moment. It was good that Hifumi’s panic responses were less heavy than the blow we’ve been dealt with this dramatrack.

In meeting Hifumi, Honobono greets her with “Hi-Fu-Mi”, just like how Hifumi says his own name in songs. It is most likely that Honobono said his name like this when they were in highschool; for Hifumi to use it in his songs now can be seen as a reclamation of his identity, as now Honobono can’t use his own name against him. Hifumi has spent years recovering from her, and seeing small hints of how he’s trying to move on from that time is a legitimately good way to understand the recovery from trauma.

WHAT IS IT?

The HPMI fandom seemed to have an ‘obsession’ with what exactly traumatised Hifumi up until this point. Most believed that it would have been sexual abuse/rape, given that he fears the opposite gender, and it wouldn’t have been the first time sexual themes have appeared in HPMI (the trafficked women at the start of BB/MTC’s manga). However, to think that ‘there is only one sort of trauma that can cause Hifumi’s pain’ is a dangerous idea. Almost anything can be traumatising, and almost anything can be a trigger. 

There’s no need to theorise ‘what is good enough’ to be a trauma for him. To fear women, it can simply be that a woman has done something bad to him - which we see is Honobono. When we hear women fearing men because a man did something bad to them, we don’t theorise what exactly happened to her. There’s the automatic assumption that gendered fear is the result of sexual abuse, when in reality, it can be any manner of abuse that has caused this.

OPINIONS

So I don’t think KR is portraying Hifumi’s trauma as humorous. It’s definitely awkward, but the narrative has constantly made it clear that he’s in a state of discomfort that stems from trauma and Doppo and Jakurai always do their best to move him out of those situations without drawing too much attention. Nobody in the story laughs at him, save for Asunaro, who’s an ill-mannered child without sensitivity towards both Doppo and Hifumi, and Honobono, the source of his trauma. Those who don’t understand Hifumi in the adult cast however only find confusion in him. 

There’s no ‘best’ portrayal of trauma in any media. But it’s clear that HPMI isn’t trying to be malicious or poke fun at any sort of trauma at all. If anything, I think the portrayal of it so far has been relatively ‘easy’ on common audiences that don’t explore such media, helping people to realise how trauma can manifest without forcing others who do have trauma to realise their pained experience in this media. Hifumi has been painted as someone relatable to those with trauma because he’s still a man who’s capable of doing his best while still stumbling along his way to recovery. Traumatised shouldn’t be the descriptor of Hifumi, but he is a character that has been traumatised.

While Honobono and her abuse is an integral part of Hifumi’s backstory, she does not define him as a person. To portray Hifumi as a strong character, despite moments of trauma responses, was a suitable choice in treating him respectably. 

#hypnosis mic #hypmic #hifumi izanami #analysis

[furiousgoldfish]

I haven't been writing a lot lately because my recovery has been taking a wild turn and in lack of anyone to talk to or therapy, I'll be writing about it here! I'll put it under a cut. There are some descriptions of recovery going very wrong, and also explanations of things I was wrong about.

So since the pandemic started I've been deteriorating badly, first I've been processing trauma extensively, having intense breakdowns and gradually it turned into depression from lack of stimulation, I've been completely alone for months without speaking to, or seeing anyone. I thought it was the isolation getting to me, and decided I just need to endure that, indulge in whatever coping I could and wait for it to end. And then things got worse.

Even as normally I was seeing some very slow progress in recovery; now it was going backwards; I was having less and less ability to get anything done, I wasn't able to force myself to do my job for months, I kept getting stuck in bed for weeks, chronic pain got so bad I couldn't move on most days. And, it only kept going worse.

My breakdowns stared to be about the present instead of the past; I couldn't handle being in pain all the time. As in before I would recover from a breakdown within a day or two, now it took 4 days to a week, and the trauma episodes would last for hours, so intense I'd find myself hoping I would die during it.

And then, I started losing all mobility and this seriously freaked me out. Everything above I've already experienced before, without long term consequences, but now my body was losing function in a way that felt permanent; I could no longer move for more than few minutes, and without extensive pain. Sometimes I would try to get up and end up collapsing and screaming from how much it hurt, I would move my arm and my whole body would experience a shock of intense pain. I was scared, I no longer knew what was going on, I was suspecting something more than ptsd was wrong. I've forced myself into physical activity, trying to fight this, I tried stretching, exercising, running, punching, and every single one of these activities made it incredibly worse. I thought I had broken my body by laying down too much. I no longer felt anything but terror and dread, and kept spiralling into scenarios of my own death; it felt inevitable, I wasn't going to survive without ability to move, nobody would take care of me.

I tried out medicine that helps relaxing, it had minimal effect. Then, in desperation to check if this was all ptsd, I attempted self harm, to see if it erases the pain. It did. It lowered the pain significantly It was a big relief, even though I wasn't happy with resorting to that, at least I could move around for a while, and I was grateful for that. Times couldn't be more desperate, and the measure felt fitting. I was still in a very bad shape, and the pain was only somewhat lessened.

It was about that time someone sent me the Complex PTSD book; I had wanted it for a while and immediately went to read it. I felt some relief reading it, and I was struck with the realization that I have not felt any relief in more than a year. It also surprised me with some of the exact descriptions of my behaviour, that I didn't realize was a symptom. I thought it was necessary and smart of me to live in hiding, to avoid interaction and never connect to anyone; it kept me safe. It turns out it's a regular freeze response to trauma; I got very called out for it. It also explains that a freeze response is what people use when anything else doesn't work, and it's true! I had been fighting, fawning and perfecting myself desperately prior to realizing that absolutely nothing helps, and froze to survive. It also described that freeze types are capable of surviving prolonged isolation because their brains produce hormones that relax the body as if they're going thru a moment before death; also true for me, I've been aware my brain does that, only I get that way too often, and it only helps me marginally because I'm too used to it.

Another thing I was very wrong about was my concept of my inner critic; I thought I had already won that battle, because I did not allow any voice in my head to criticize me (my alters can drag me affectionately), and I generally didn't experience a lot of shame or guilt for what I was going thru. The book describes inner catastrophizer, which is an extention of the critic, and it causes you to spral into extremely negative scenarios of your own demise. Now that.. was happening to me every single day, I saw myself dead around every corner. But I always thought my fears about that were perfectly reasonable. I had been tortured into suicidal state as a kid and nobody cared, I barely escaped with my life from there, I was living illegally, in hiding, without a normal job or regular income, without close friends or any family, with ptsd i couldn't get diagnosed for, without ability to work due to ptsd, in a capitalistic society where being able to work is only thing between you and dying. I had, by that point, gained many skills of survival, but it still felt very reasonable to fear that I would die if I don't get better soon.

The book described people who had families, jobs, social circles, friends and community, who spiraled into deep fear of becoming homeless and dying on the street; somehow their spiraling was exactly the same as mine, and it made me realize that it was, in fact, a symptom, and not reflection of reality. Because I was spiraling even when laying in my bed or eating or sleeping, knowing I could still afford rent for months because I arranged my life to allow myself to lay down a lot. I kept fearing my parents were coming to end my life, even when I arranged my entire existence specifically to prevent this from happening. And even if I was sick and without a real job, I had in fact, survived for 5 years after running away, I wasn't getting worse at it. My spiraling into death scenarios was a symptom of being trapped within a flashback.

The book guided me to try to challenge these fears, I immediately went for it, had a breakdown, screamed "I can't" for like an hour, had additional few breakdowns afterwards, and miraculously, recovered from them in only few hours. And then, I woke up from my flashback.

I won't describe what the flashback was, because it's too gruesome and horiffic, but it was in fact, bad enough to warrant every single bit of that pain I was experiencing, and a very convoluted, complex trauma. I was waiting to be killed in that flashback. Whats concerning is, I've been trapped in that same flashbacks for more than a year. After I broke my way out of it, it felt like I woke up to being alive for the first time in years. I got out being frozen in bed.

For 5 amazing days, I was able to do whatever I wanted. Chronic pain? I didn't know her. It was absoluely exhilirating to get to move again, I was not getting tired either, I was out there making up for months of doing nothing and I was not collapsing at any point. I felt actual joy again, and hope, and being free from pain was so extremely good, that alone made me ecstatic. I was able to create, to be organized, to take care of myself, to follow a checklist, to focus, I was a Normal Person for those 5 days.

And then, predictably, I was getting back stuck in that flashbacks and my levels of terror and dread spiked again. I went to re-read the book, and it took me a few days to really figure it out again, I don't know exactly how the book works on me, I feel like it says just the right keywords to trigger me into realizations and causes breakdowns that set me free. I found myself able to stop some spiraling, but sometimes I can't, that flashback holds immense power over me and is actually mixed with 10 other near-death scenarios that are too extreme for me to process, so this will keep happening. I did break free again, and got to experience additional few days of movement and happiness; I also started working extensively with my child alter, who was until recently extremely suicidal and dangerous to work with.

I am still kinda lost in all of this, and unsure whats going on, but I do believe I wont get trapped in a flashback again for a whole year. I became so anxious and helpless due to isolation, I forgot how to fight trauma, I forgot I actually had to do it. I used to do it constantly in the beginning, but it had made me suicidal back then to face all this, so I tried to just let it heal naturally, which I believed would eventually happen; but it didn't, I got trapped and suffered without knowing how to get out. I also believed my own spiraling was a reflection of reality and not trauma, and that fueled it a lot.

It explains very eloqently in the book how inner catastrophizing comes from being massively neglected; children who are not looked after start to realize just how unprotected they are, so their own sense of danger becomes hypersensitive and starts to lock on possible dangers everywhere. This is then further aided by media that points out every possible bad thing that could happen to a person, and the child who isn't guided by adult who could actually make a reasonable distinction between real and unlikely danger, will clock it all as absolute possibilities and be on alert. It's also fueled by the line of disasters and dangers that happen to them in the context of their own home, and for me, the strongest factor was my parents constantly convincing me that I would die without them. Even though I proved this wrong, and understand they did it precisely because they knew there was a lot of survival ability in me and that's why they worked so hard to destroy it, the fact that it was brainwashed into me under circumstances of torture still makes it impossible for me to fight it.

Maybe one day I will be able to.

I'm writing this because writing things down helps to make sense of it all, and I need to find my way thru this. I also hope someone else will see themselves in what I'm describing and it will help them find a way forward. Complex ptsd is the only book I found that speaks from the point of view of a person who survived cptsd, healed from it, and had so much experience with other traumatized people they're able to draw parallels and create patterns and statistics out if it, it was that more than anything that convinced me of their words, and gave me hope. The book also warns many times of how essential it is to reduce inner critic and catastrophizer before getting other recovery work done, other therapy might only do further harm before this work is done. It was true for me.

If you wanna read this book, here's a post with the links!

#cptsd #complex ptsd #ptsd recovery #tw self harm #story of recovery #trauma #abuse recovery #trauma symptoms #chronic pain #chronic exhaustion #freeze response

[paperanddice]

With the Barrowhaunts finished, it's time to explore the next faction within Threats to the Nentir Vale.

Bitterstrike is a powerful white dragon that is constantly building her army of subjects and vassals to hold power over the region. Decades ago she treated the people of the Vale as her meals, uncaring of what they may do to protest, but a powerful warrior finally fought back and severely wounded the dragon in a single strike, gouging out her eye with his pick. She fled, evading the area for three full decades as she waited out the short, pitiful life of the human who dared stand up to her.

In her time away, Bitterstrike did what few white dragons do: she learned more than wanton destruction and short-sighted anger. She unlocked some of her magical bloodline for powerful magic, both that which she could unleash upon others and some to augment herself. She can now impose her will upon others with a powerful geas that freezes their blood, binding them to her will and also leaving them vulnerable to her if they should even think to betray her.

Originally from the 4e Monster Vault: Threats to the Nentir Vale. This post came out a week ago on my Patreon. If you want to get access to all my monster conversions early, as well as a spot on the Paper and Dice Discord server, consider backing me there!

5th Edition

Yet despite her power, Bitterstrike is still a young dragon. Nearly having reached full dragon adulthood, she's barely in the Large size category anymore and within another decade will reach full adulthood. Even then however, she could stand toe-to-toe with many of her elders due to the powerful magical rituals she's cast upon herself, allowing her powerful breath weapon to harm even creatures of pure ice.

Bitterstrike Large dragon, chaotic evil Armor Class 18 (natural armor) Hit Points 157 (15d10 + 75) Speed 40 ft., burrow 20 ft., fly 80 ft., swim 40 ft. Str 21 (+5) Dex 10 (+0) Con 20 (+5) Int 10 (+0) Wis 15 (+2) Cha 16 (+3) Saving Throws Dex +4, Con +9, Wis +6, Cha +7 Skills Intimidation +7, Perception +10 Damage Immunities cold Senses blindsight 30 ft., darkvision 120 ft., passive Perception 20 Languages Common, Draconic Challenge 12 (8400 XP) Action Recovery. If Bitterstrike is charmed, frightened, or stunned at the end of her turn, she can expend all her Legendary Actions to end the effect. Deep Cold. Cold damage dealt by Bitterstrike ignores resistance, and creatures immune to cold damage take half as much damage instead of no damage (as though they had resistance). Ice Walk. Bitterstrike can move across and climb icy surfaces without needing to make an ability check. Additionally, difficult terrain composed of ice or snow doesn't cost her extra movement. Legendary Resistance (2/Day). If Bitterstrike fails a saving throw, she can choose to succeed instead. Vassals. Any creature that Bitterstrike casts geas on gains immunity to cold damage for as long as the spell remains on it, except for cold damage dealt by Bitterstrike. The creature is instead vulnerable to cold damage dealt by Bitterstrike. Additionally, the creature gains the ability to cast hellish rebuke as a first level spell once per day, dealing cold damage instead of fire damage. The creature's spellcasting ability score for this spell is Charisma. Innate Spellcasting. Bitterstrike's innate spellcasting ability is Charisma (spell save DC 15). She can innately cast the following spells, requiring no material components: 1/day: hellish rebuke (deals cold damage instead of fire) 1/week: geas (as 7th level spell) Actions Multiattack. Bitterstrike can use her Frightful Presence. She then makes three attacks: one with her bite and two with her claws. Bite. Melee Weapon Attack: +9 to hit, reach 10 ft., one target. Hit: 16 (2d10+5) piercing damage plus 4 (1d8) cold damage. Claw. Melee Weapon Attack: +9 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: 12 (2d6+5) slashing damage. Tail. Melee Weapon Attack: +9 to hit, reach 10 ft., one target. Hit: 14 (2d8+5) bludgeoning damage. Frightful Presence. Each creature of Bitterstrike's choice that is within 120 feet of her and aware of her must succeed on a DC 15 Wisdom saving throw or become frightened for 1 minute. A creature can repeat the saving throw at the end of each of its turns, ending the effect on itself on a success. If a creature's saving throw is successful or the effect ends for it, the creature is immune to Bitterstrike's Frightful Presence for the next 24 hours. Deep Cold Breath (Recharge 5-6). Bitterstrike exhales an icy blast in a 45-foot cone. Each creature in that area must make a DC 17 Constitution saving throw. On a failure, the target takes 49 (11d8) cold damage and is restrained by ice. As an action, a creature within reach can make a DC 15 Strength check, breaking the ice on a success. The ice can also be attacked and destroyed (AC 15; hp 25; vulnerability to fire damage; immunity to cold, poison, and psychic damage).

If the saving throw is successful, the target takes half as much cold damage and is not restrained. Legendary Actions Bitterstrike can take 2 legendary actions, choosing from the options below. Only one legendary action can be used at a time and only at the end of another creature's turn. Bitterstrike regains spent legendary actions at the start of its turn. Detect. Bitterstrike makes a Wisdom (Perception) check. Tail Attack. Bitterstrike makes a tail attack. Rampage (Costs 2 Actions). Bitterstrike can move up to her speed. Each time Bitterstrike moves within 5 feet of a creature for the first time during this movement, she can make a claw attack against that creature.

13th Age

The white dragons have been in decline since the defeat and death of the White. The magical influence an Icon has over its people wanes, causing white dragons to become more simple and bestial compared to other dragons. Bitterstrike thinks she can prevent that, and with the powers she's unlocked she has become greater than any other white dragon in the present age. With her vassals and her personal strength, surely she can rise up to become a new White, joining the council of chromatic dragons once again so that they may become the Four.

As with all dragons, Bitterstrike has the Escalator and Flight special rules. She actually already has the equivalent of two dragon special abilities (7 on the chart, free use of her breath weapon when staggered, and 14, One Unique Thing), but don't let that stop you from rolling one or two more for her, as well as unleashing her Nastier Specials unless the party puts in the work to break her power before confronting her.

Bitterstrike Huge 7th level troop [dragon] Initiative: +11 Vulnerability: Fire Bitter Claw and Bite +11 vs. AC (2 attacks) - 20 damage Natural 16+: Bitterstrike can make a deep cold breath attack as a free action. [Special Trigger] C: Deep Cold Breath +11 vs. PD (each nearby enemy) - 15 cold damage and the target is stuck (save ends) Natural Odd Hit or Miss: Bitterstrike takes 2d8 damage. [Special Trigger] C: Bitter Vengeance +11 vs. PD (the triggering enemy) - 20 cold damage and the target pops free from Bitterstrike Limited Use: 1/battle, as an interrupt action, when Bitterstrike takes damage from a nearby enemy. Bloodied Breath: The first time that Bitterstrike is staggered during a battle, she can use deep cold breath as an interrupt action. Bitterstrike doesn’t take damage from a natural odd roll when using deep cold breath in this way. Bloody Escalation: While staggered, Bitterstrike’s crit range expands by an amount equal to the escalation die. Instinctive Rampage: Bitterstrike gets an extra action each round, taken at the initiative count 10 higher than her action. If Bitterstrike couldn’t take this action because she’s confused or stunned, then that effect ends instead of Bitterstrike taking the action. Resist Cold 18+. AC 23 PD 20 MD 16 HP 300 Nastier Specials Deep Cold: Bitterstrike treats her natural die roll as 5 points higher for the purpose of overcoming damage resistance with her cold attacks. Vassals: All of Bitterstrike’s allies in this battle gain resist cold 14+ if they did not already have better.

#D&D #DnD #dungeons and dragons #5th edition #13th age #homebrew #my homebrew #monster #dragon #long post

[cherryriotcrash]

King of Sorrow.

I'm crying everyone's tears, and there inside our private war I died the night before. All of these remnants of joy and disaster...what I am I supposed to do?

Ao3 | Ko-Fi | Join the Taglist | Masterlist

Summary: A situation forced your hand, reminding you that water and electricity don't mix.

Chapter Warnings: Physical violence, emotional manipulation, intimate partner violence/dv, addiction (to the fictional drug Trigger), electrocution, background character death, violence, angst, comfort.

18+ | Minors and ageless blogs DNI

All characters depicted are mid 20s or older.

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Your hero name was Voltress.

Before you came to Japan, you’d previously been engaged. You met your high school sweetheart Johnny at the American version of UA. He was part of the business studies class giving a presentation to the hero class you were in, and as soon as you locked eyes, that was it. He proposed to you the day you graduated from university, and it seemed that you had it all. Nice apartment, a fiancé, a spot at one of the top local agencies, a promising shot at being one of the top heroes, and a future ahead of you.

Until Trigger made its way to your city.

The crime rate spiked, your hours increased, and your fiancé became increasingly frustrated by you constantly missing or moving appointments for the wedding, coming home late and leaving before the sun came up, being woken up by emergency alerts in the middle of the night, vanishing for days and weeks on missions. Life with a hero was weighing on him, and you fought more often. The fights became increasingly volatile and nasty, hands that used to trace soothing circles on your back after a long day slamming doors hard enough to rattle walls, accusations hurled towards you of infidelity or perceived superiority over him, because all he had was a simple water quirk.

Things came to a head one evening when, in the midst of another wall rattling fight before you left for work, you saw a quick flash of something suspicious. You quietly asked him to open his mouth for you, and he refused. You asked him again, and he again refused. You used your quirk to control the electrical impulses in his jaw and tongue, forcing his mouth open and sending his tongue lolling forward.

It was pitch black.

He stared at you blankly as you paced, grappling with the realization that the love of your life was a Trigger addict. You started pleading with him, telling him it was okay and that you could get him into a recovery facility, and he waved you off.

I don’t want help.

You stared at him, mouth agape, and he shrugged. He looked up at you, flashing you his picture-perfect smile as he told you that enjoyed feeling like his power was actually useful for once, and as far as he was concerned, he wasn’t doing any harm. In fact, he was training his quirk to be useful in battle so that he could fight alongside you instead of standing in your shadow. You two would take the US by storm, the most powerful hero couple to exist, and all you had to do was keep your pretty mouth shut.

You could do that, right? You wouldn’t report the love of your life, would you?

You felt the air leave the room as he stepped towards you, a menacing glint in his eyes. You didn’t recognize the person in front of you anymore and when he touched your face, you flinched. Your eyes flickered towards the door for a split second and Johnny’s face fell, realizing that you’d made your choice. His hand moved from your cheek up to thread through your hair, lulling you into a false sense of security for just a moment before his grip tightened sharply.

You didn’t have time to scream before your head was slammed into the wall once, twice, thrice in an explosion of sparks and the world went black.

When you woke up, you were on the living room floor with a splitting headache, your PASS device was beeping loudly, and your partner was telling you not to move until you could be examined. You asked about Johnny, and your partner said he was caught fleeing through a window when authorities arrived and went missing.

For weeks following the incident, you frantically searched for him. You texted and called, but they bounced back, indicating you’d been blocked. Even his parents couldn’t find him.

A month later, you responded to the report of a group of Trigger junkies terrorizing the downtown area, to include one who was encasing officers in spheres of water in an attempt to drown them, but he couldn’t seem to hold them long enough to kill. Your stomach fell to the floor, and you ran faster towards the commotion, only to encounter Johnny, face contorted as he lost control of an orb and the officer was able to scramble away. He locked onto you and gave a distorted, darkened version of the smile you fell in love with.

Who’s powerful now?

He descended upon you, trying his best to encase you with his quirk, becoming increasingly unstable as the Trigger took over more and more. You begged and pleaded with him to stop, that you could talk it out and it didn’t have to be a battle, but it seemed to enrage him more as he roared demands for you to fight him to settle who was the most powerful, once and for all. He captured you momentarily in a sphere and slammed you against the corner of a brick building. You felt a stinging pain and realized he’d split your scalp open when blood and sweat poured into your eye, and he roared victoriously. You continued to defend and dodge, until a missed blast of water soaked a group of civilians. His smile twisted into a wicked grin, and he charged towards the crowd.

If you won’t fight me on your own, I’ll make you fight me .

Your body moved before your mind could think, and with your one good eye, you locked onto him and maxed out your quirk to control the electrical impulses in his body, controlling him like a puppeteer as you slowed him down, your head throbbing and muscles twitching violently as you struggled to maintain your hold. The Trigger was allowing him to resist more than usual, and he set off a jet of water in the direction of the crowd. You manipulated his left hand skyward, intending to stop him from completing his attack.

You didn’t see the damaged powerline dangling above him until it was too late.

Your power traveled up the jet of water and arced up to the powerline, boosting the current and delivering a fatal shock, filling the air with the putrid odor of burning flesh.

You sprinted towards him and took in the sight. His eyes were locked skyward, his skin burnt, and even his curls were singed. You paged for immediate assistance and started CPR, desperately wanting to feel his heart restart under your fingers, his ribs giving with a sickening crack. You pumped at his chest and sobbed and pushed air into his lungs for 20 minutes until help arrived.

You heard the flatline five minutes later, followed by your anguished screams. Your quirk went haywire and attempted to draw energy unchecked from the same powerline that ended Johnny’s life. You overloaded and fell to the ground in violent convulsions, the electrical impulses in your brain going haywire, and as you blacked out, you wondered if you’d see Johnny waiting for you as he was or as he is now.

You woke up in the ICU the next day and spent the next three weeks in the hospital, missing his funeral. The news played headlines over and over about how pro hero Voltress had been involved in a freak accident resulting in the death of her fiancé. His parents came by to try and comfort you.

We know it was an accident, (Y/N). We know you would never…you loved Johnny more than yourself.

Somehow, their comfort made things worse.

While you were in the hospital, your parents packed your belongings up and put them in storage, scrubbing every trace of Johnny that they could at your request, but nothing helped. His ghost haunted you, lurking in the shadows and that even when a thorough investigation lasting over a year and a half cleared you of wrongdoing, you knew you couldn’t stay.

You applied to several hero agencies as far away as possible before accepting an offer from the Himura Hero Agency (it started the soonest with competitive pay), and within a month and a half, you’d broken all of your US based licensing deals under the hero name Voltress. To your surprise, nobody fought you on this. Some companies even honored the contract as complete and paid you in full, wishing you luck and healing.

You filed an official petition to change your hero name and it was quietly expedited and approved, the official notification sent forward to Japan. You changed your hero costume entirely, burning your old one in a bonfire on the beach with your closest friends as you said goodbye.

The last thing you did was slip the engagement ring you’d been wearing off of your finger, throwing it into the Atlantic Ocean. As it sank, Voltress sank with it.

You caught a cab to the airport for your red eye flight. 18 hours later and on the second anniversary of Johnny’s death, you stepped off the plane in Japan as Syncopate.

“I know you’re probably sick of hearing this, but It’s not your fault,” Katsuki wiped the remnants of your tears from your face with his thumbs as your sobs finally slowed for a second time that night, his fingers brushing the scar on your forehead, “None of that was your fault.”

“But it was my quirk, my manipulation, my lack of situational aware—”

“No, he got threatened by your strength, he chose to put trigger in his veins knowing the risks, and he tried to goad you into a dick measuring contest. You did your job. You protected yourself and civilians, and damn near died in the process. Hell, you tried to save him too. Remember when you yelled at me the day we met? You know…when you kicked me in the chest?”

You gave him a small smile, fingers following scars on his arm and shoulder. He brushed your cheek with his thumb, “You asked me how I could possibly have had the situation covered when I was missing critical information about things like the situation at hand and how your quirk functioned.”

He grabbed the hand playing with his ear and brought it to his lips, kissing your fingertips, “You’d been hit in the head, and you were bleeding profusely into your eye as a result. On top of that, you had to max out your quirk, knowing it would take a toll on your body, so that you could stop the rampage with as little damage as possible. You mentioned it was his left hand that you raised, that means it was in your blind spot. Your scar is over your right eye, and you couldn't keep it open. You encountered significant tactical and environmental hurdles with the only casualty from your battle being him, and the only reason he was a casualty is a freak accident set up by his own destruction. You did everything you could. You can’t save everyone, and sometimes the person you can’t save is the one you want to save the most.”

Katsuki quietly told you about how his own kidnapping led to his childhood hero being forced into retirement, and how he had to work to overcome the trauma it caused, and that ten years later, he still has nightmares about it here and there. You moved closer as he told the story, and shortly after he finished, you swallowed thickly.

“The nightmare…I told you to move. I told you to move and you didn’t and I—it happened again. It happened again and you were gone and I felt alone and I couldn’t control my quirk and I wanted to go too. I couldn’t…it wasn’t…there wasn’t…I needed you.”

Katsuki stared at you for a moment before tilting your chin upwards and giving you the gentlest of kisses, testing to see if you would reject him. You increased the pressure, fingers finding his hair as you sighed contentedly, and his tongue swiped at your lower lip. You opened your mouth a little more, honoring his request and moaning softly as his thumb stroked your cheek soothingly. He pulled back with a few chaste kisses, and he pressed his forehead to yours.

“Where the hell would I even go without you? Remember the thing?”

You nodded and he pressed a kiss to your forehead, “I figured it out. You’re stuck with me, lightning bug.”

You curled into his chest, suddenly finding yourself drowsy. His fingers ran over a tender spot on your jaw, soothing it, and you sighed, “Hey Katsuki? I do have one question.”

“Hmm?”

“I’ve put together that you slapped me to wake me, and I’m not upset, but um…how hard did you slap me?”

He tensed up, face turning cherry red.

“We…uh. We’re gonna go with ‘way harder than I meant to.’”

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#stormfronts and swear jars #sfsj #bnha #mha #angst #suki 🧨 #tw: death #tw: electrocution #tw: dv #tw: emotional manipulation #tw: physical violence #tw: intimate partner violence #comfort

[daughterofanarcissistwoman]

You were the scapegoat role in your dysfunctional family not because you are “weak” or “flawed” or “crazy” but actually the opposite: because you call attention to the very real dysfunction in the family, you think for yourself and refuse to play along with the toxic family narrative of DENIAL. Painting you as the “crazy” one serves their version of reality that there’s nothing wrong with them, you’re the problem. Abusers are masters at deflecting blame. You can begin to deconstruct the emotional abuse and gaslighting that has characterized your “relationships” with your family. Gaslighting is rewriting of events to make you question your perception of reality and trust the abuser so they can keep abusing you and you’ll keep taking it. “It wasn’t that bad”, “That’s not how I remember it”, “There’s no way that could’ve happened”, “Why are you just bringing this up now?” All of these are disgusting ways to respond to a person in pain. But this is all you’ll get from narcissists, and why confronting them won’t lead to resolution (which they don’t want anyway because they feed off of chaos..) but them doubling down on how they’re right and you’re wrong. I knew there would be backlash the final time I confronted my mother but did it anyway because I knew the bridge had to be burned. I knew she had to dig her own grave for me to finally see how under all the mind games, she’s just a pathetic, mean person. I had to see how she responds when I try to set boundaries or have god forbid some backbone. A narcissist will shame you for being too sensitive in one breath calling you weak, then respond with rage if you try to assert yourself. The sick dynamic becomes exposed: they were causing you pain to feed off that pain, then mocking you for feeling that pain created even more pain for them to feed off. And how could this not traumatize someone? Especially a child being treated like this by their mother? Trauma bonding is how I bonded with my mother when she would switch between moments of tenderness and cruelty. This makes a child attached to their abuser, feeling like they just have to be good enough and they’ll get another moment of love, some day. What a heartbreaking way for a child to think of their parent. Narcissists teach children that love is highly conditional. There is not a secure attachment. There is not trust. There is fear, guilt, brain fog, confusion, tension.

Emotional abuse can cause chronic guilt and shame that follow you wherever you go: into every job, every relationship, no matter where you live or who you’re with or what you do. No matter how hard you try to push it out of your mind, the trauma you suffered in your development (at the hands of your caretakers that you trusted) has left scars. You’ve become so accustomed to life being heavy you don’t even realize you’re carrying this heavy burden. It’s said that emotional abuse leaves invisible scars, but they become very visible to anyone who takes any time or effort to get to know you. If someone looks hard or long enough, they’ll see the fear in your eyes, the lack of trust, the flinching, the withdrawing, the tip toeing, the constant apologizing... Don’t underestimate the fatigue and self neglect from years (especially your developmental years) of walking on eggshells... Don’t underestimate the emotional toll it takes to mask who you are to manage the moods of your abusers, to abandon your true self and your needs to avoid abuse. Emotional abuse is traumatizing. And what does it take to trigger memories of that trauma? Any interaction with other human beings. Having conversations is exhausting when you’re constantly scanning for changes in tone, facial expressions, body languages to frantically avoid abuse. You go into flashbacks mid-conversation/interaction without even realizing what’s happening. You don’t realize you’re responding to the flashback in your mind, not what’s happening in the present moment. A mind and heart fractured by emotional abuse takes time, mindfulness and lots of patience to ground in the present moment. It’s no wonder my family members numb their emotions with substances, it’s a lot less work than working through them. I’ve realized a huge key in my recovery from emotional abuse is learning to accept emotions themselves and not shame myself for having them. If you’re taught to be ashamed of emotions, well you’re going to be full of shame. Emotions are not good or bad in and of themselves. They just are. This sounds so simple but is so powerful the more you embrace it. Emotional abuse after all is using emotions to abuse you.

As a child, I was trained to hide my emotional needs to serve my narcissistic mother and not bother my cold, distant father. Not only could I not acknowledge my needs/how much pain I was in, I was actually trained to comfort and give advice to my mother who would come to her children in tears, burdening us with her personal, adult problems. Seeing your mother routinely in this state is distressing enough, to then have to abandon my own needs when I was the child and instead mother my own mother is (needless to say) sick. My mother would often express how displeased she was with “this family”, constantly laying the burden on us to make her feel better. Now I understand that was called getting supply. We were expected to give endless validation and support to her, but not expect any from her. “Her problems were always worse”, as if children are trying to win some kind of suffering olympics by having basic emotional needs. She responded to my basic emotional needs for comfort with resentment, contempt and ridicule. A narcissistic mother doesn’t give comfort, she expects her children to comfort her.

She baited and provoked me ruthlessly and if I tried to get away to not feed her sick dysfunction, she found ways to control me. She would bait and provoke me to get a reaction and then shame me for the reaction. Such is the game with a narcissist: you can’t win. They feel superior by making you feel inferior. Your shame is their supply. My brother mirrored my mother’s treatment of me and bullied me mercilessly, making a game out of making me cry. I still remember the creepy smile on his face as my face crumbled, I remember my sister joining the “game”, the panic of being ganged up on. I learned to hide my crying as best I could, at times physically running away, or hiding in my room. I learned no one cared when I cried, and it was then I started grieving my family. I knew in my heart that this cruelty was wrong, as strong as the blame games were to make me feel like something was wrong with me... I still thought, Even if I am sensitive, why is it so hard to be nice? I’m nice, why can’t they be? Because they were cruel but still occasionally said “I love you”... I ended up getting in sexually and emotionally abusive relationships because, like many survivors of childhood abuse, I thought abuse was love. My intuition would tell me, something’s wrong with this person, and I would still feel a strange pull to the familiar feeling of pain. This would have continued had I not learned the things I’m writing about right now.

All abuse starts as emotional abuse. All abuse has an element of emotional abuse. Every family member who emotionally abused me also physically abused me. When I find myself believing the gaslighting even for a moment, I remember how even society acknowledges when they physically abused me they showed the lack of respect they had for me, how low they regarded me. There were no apologies. I had to keep living under the same roof as these monsters knowing they could physically and emotionally hurt me at any time they felt like it and I could not stop them. No wonder I disassociated to survive. It’s not just that I didn’t feel safe: I wasn’t safe. Shame and guilt are the building blocks of an inferiority complex, the needed foundation for abuse. Deconstruct the inferiority complex by deconstructing your chronic shame and guilt. It’s all connected. Use your voice. Don’t suffer in silence. You didn’t deserve any of it. It was never your fault or a reflection of you.

#cptsd vent #journaling #daughter of a narcissist mother #narcissistic abuse #narcissistic mother #covert narcissist #scapegoat child #sibling abuse #emotional abuse #trauma #child abuse #developmental trauma #dysfunctional family #controlling mother #toxic mother #abusive mother #scary mother #mean mother #mother wound #domestic abuse #shame #guilt #cptsdwarrior

[nlsetsumuri]

BNHA QUIRKS!!!

I'm organizing my notes for a character-insert story I'm writing and I felt like sharing them here!!! I think people would be interested in what I came up with.

FEEL FREE TO USE ANY OF THESE FOR YOUR OWN CHARACTERS!!

No credit needed. I made Flourish specifically with Shigaraki in mind because I know a lot of people would like to have a quirk complimentary to Decay so that Tomura can touch them safely.

and hey, self-shippers? I love you so much!! you're so awesome, pls send me some self-indulgent stuff sometime soon!!

also! Quirks that are present in my stories will be marked as IN-USE. this just means that what the quirk entails might change in the future.

FLOURISH - EMITTER (IN-USE)

touch-based quirk. complimentary to decay, rendering the user immune to decay. decay users are unaffected by flourish (cannot be healed). touching something with all five fingers heals/reverses any damage

i like the idea of decay and flourish canceling eachother out because they're complimentary quirks. shigaraki can touch you and??? you don't die?? and???? you touched shigaraki but he's not healing????? fun times

BOND - EMITTER(?) (IN-USE)

user has the ability to use a diminished version of someone's quirk if they share a strong bond with said person. Most commonly found in mutated individuals with animalistic features.

This isn't really a stand-alone quirk but more of an ability, but I still decided to include it because it has really specific requirements.

JACK OF ALL TRADES - EMITTER(?)

user can give themselves ANY quirk they desire (meaning that they can copy someone else's quirk, or create a new one entirely) this ability requires a lot of energy and while in-use, will tire the user out until the stop using the quirk or pass out. (think of it like charging your phone. eventually, the battery power will lower and you'll have to plug it in. Or you're one of those people who doesn't plug it in until it dies.) The more powerful the chosen quirk is, the longer the user will be out for. "OP" quirks like take more energy to replicate/use, and consequentially, will require a longer recovery period. Quirks like Overhaul or Decay will put the user into a comatose state. This quirk is literally just All For One Juniour Edition.

so basically like? all for one but fair. also the quirks aren't "saved" or anything, so if u want to use bakugou's explosion quirk, but ur already using tsuyu's froggy quirk to restrain something with your tongue, you'd have to stop using it and let go so you can use explosion instead.

NULLIFY - EMITTER

Touch-Based quirk. Touching someone with all five fingers will render them quirkless for 24 hours. Only works on one person at a time, and cannot be used on the same person twice in a row. Made with Shigaraki in mind.

i made this purely because i want to hold shigaraki's hand without turning into dust. also... imagine having to constantly remind yourself to keep ur pinky/middle finger off of whatever you touch. idk about you, but that's too much work for me. I'd rather just wear those gloves made for drawing tablets.

GRIM REAPER - EMITTER (IN-USE)

Touch-Based quirk. touching someone with all five fingers immediately kills them, allowing the user to harvest their soul (souls manifest as little cheeseball sized lights. they're all different colors, depending on who's soul it was.) souls can be eaten (they taste like gummi bears) whoever eats it has their body revitalized instantaneously, each and every individual cell replaced by a new and perfect copy. souls can only be captured in jars. they act like fireflies.

firefly rave... also this is literally decay but it only works on living things and also u get a snack. and a corpse. although idk i guess a corpse would count as a snack to someone. also if someone doesn't have a soul, they just die. lol

VAMPIRE - MUTANT TYPE

user is easily sunburnt, does not have a reflection, allergic to garlic (regardless of genetics) and cannot be killed unless the heart is damaged. User must drink a certain amount of blood regularly to avoid loss of inhibition (will attack nearest person to feed) and severe malnutrition, known as "bloodthirst."

honestly? this isn't really that beneficial... sunburns, no garlic bread, if you cant get enough blood you suffer and go apeshit... but I mean at least you've got circumstantial immortality.

HIGH ELF - MUTANT TYPE

user has pointed ears and is considerably taller than regular humans. naturally skilled archers, and have a strong connection to nature.

i couldn't help myself, i love DnD.

BETTA - MUTANT

fish subtype. user has fully-functional gills. The user's hair reflects the different kinds of tail types (plakat = short hair, crown tail = dreadlocs/separated strands, rose tail = long and flowy) and are naturally bright colors like red or blue. lethal close-combat skills and impressive speed. natural beauty is also a bonus

im surprised i'm not including this in my character insert story. it's my personal favorite so far. fishy!!!

WEREWOLF - TRANSFORMATION

exactly what it sounds like. full moons trigger the shift. user cannot control the shift. it's basically like periods except instead of bleeding out of your uterus, you turn into a wolf.

... yeah, i don't know what influenced this the most. the fact that i made vampires and felt obligated to also include werewolves, that i'm a furry, or that this gives me an excuse to push alpha beta omega dynamics onto bnha

GHOST RIDER - TRANSFORMATION

based on that one marvel comic series. when transformed, the user takes on the appearence of their skeletal structure engulfed in flames. the user is able to control flames and a vehicle/form of transport of their prefrence. when user establishes eye contact, the opponent will suffer the pain they have caused for others (if any.) cannot transform in direct sunlight.

i am incredibly ashamed to admit that it was only yesterday that i saw the 2007 ghost rider movie for the first time in my life. i fucking loved it. it was funny, freaky as hell, and so fucking awesome. i love ghost rider, i mean, cmon, like? that's literally what being a punk is about in a nutshell. skeletons. fire. leather jackets. metal spikes. chains. motorbikes. anti-heroes. also i really enjoyed the addition of genuine demon names. i got so excited when i recognized the name mephisopholes. the movie also gave me ACAB vibes so bonus points for that. and the little details like how johnny's fire turned blue whenever he focused on roxanne. god fuck it was a great movie i will be thinking about it for the next week or so. TL;DR THE 2007 GHOST RIDER MOVIE IS AWESOME I CANT BELIEVE I NEVER WATCHED IT. i always end up getting more attatched to the manga instead of the anime and this was no different.

P.S. lmk if you wanna know more about my character insert! i post a lot about him on my twitter account and i'm generally more active there anyways!!

#bnha #mha #bnha quirks #mha quirks #emitter quirks #character quirks #quirk ideas #shigaraki tomura #shigaraki x reader #all for one #decay quirk #dungeons and dungeons #dnd #ghost rider #quirks #mha x reader #bnha x reader #shimura tenko #tenko shimura #shiggy #mha shigaraki #my hero academia shigaraki #bnha shigaraki #shigaraki tenko #bnha tomura #boku no hero academia tomura #mha tenko #so much shiggy #shiggy overload #i just really like shigaraki

[bnhaficsforthesoul]

yoo, okay this is a bit of an angsty request but i NEED this !! essentially, the reader loves midoriya (or anyone of your choosing, really) yet its unrequited ^^ maybe a popular ship or smth is real in ur writing, like tododeku and reader is all "oh heckles, midoriya doesn't love me" and just,, sad stuff ?? maybe even a hanahaki disease au if you'd like!!! i want it as a n g s t y as possible with no happy ending jksdhgjdsghjdsjgk thank you sm ily

Of course I had to take the chance to write a hanahaki au - idk if this is angsty enough - im bad at angst lol, but here ya go anon

No - this couldn’t be happening. You didn’t love him, you couldn’t. But - the bloody flower petal in your hand spoke otherwise. You felt the world spiraling around you, yet you were frozen. 

Midoriya Izuku - your best friend who had stolen your heart and given his to another. Of course, there was no chance of Izuku returning your love, he was dating Shouto. You remember the excitement in his eyes when he first told you they were together - and the excitement you had reciprocated for your friend. If only you knew the suffering you would later go through because of him.

Of course, there is no knowing whether Izuku would have loved you if he wasn’t with Shouto - but it seemed the possibility was nonexistent at this point. So, you had 3 choices. You could muster up the money for surgery and lose all your feelings for Izuku, get lucky and make yourself fall out of love with him, or die. And right now, you desperately hoped you were lucky.

Quickly grabbing your phone off of its nightstand, you opened your messages, sighing softly at Izuku’s contact near the top of your messages, and found Momo. She’s vice class rep - so she’s probably the best person to ask to get your homework without getting scolded, and you texted her “I don’t think I’ll be able to make it to school tomorrow Momo, I’m feeling pretty sick. Could you tell me the homework so I don’t fall behind?”

It was late, so you didn’t expect a reply. But you didn’t need one - you weren’t going to school. If you weren’t around Izuku, maybe you would forget about your feelings for him and be cured. You were hoping, anyways.

You woke up the next day late in the afternoon - it’s not often you get to stay home from school -  to a text from Momo, saying “Oh no! I hope you feel better, I’ll send you the notes and homework after school. Get some rest!” You smiled at her kindness and laid back on your bed. But then, you noticed the other messages in your notifications. A few on the groupchat, with little “get betters” - which you were expecting. This class treats itself like a family, people are gonna worry if you’re sick. There were also more personal messages from Eijirou, Tenya, and - Shouto and Izuku. 

Shouto had also become a close friend of yours in the time you’ve known him, the two of you always being around Izuku allowed you to develop a bond yourself. So it was no surprise that he texted you, but all you felt was anger towards his “How are you feeling? Do you want me to bring you some soba? I’ll even warm it up for you.” There was a small twinge of guilt in your stomach, he obviously didn’t deserve your anger, but you couldn’t even spare him a response.

Then Izuku - how were you supposed to forget about your feelings when he was constantly so perfect? You found yourself smiling at his message, a “Good morning y/n! I hope you’re feeling better today! I’ll come by and check on you after I finish my homework :)” Sitting up, you went to respond - but you were interrupted by a sharp pain in your throat before you began coughing, and you covered your mouth with your hands only to feel the light touch of petals fall into them.

There were more than last night.

Tears welled up in your eyes as you stared at your hands once again. It hadn’t even been a full day, but already the flowers were growing rapidly. With shaky hands, you shook off the petals and returned your phone, quickly messaging “Don’t worry about me, I’m fine. You don’t need to come by either, I don’t want you getting sick and I’ll probably be sleeping.” 

The seriousness of your situation finally set in - last night you hadn’t seemed to fully grasp that if you didn’t do something to stop this, you would literally die. A few choked sobs escaped your lips, and you winced in pain. 

You roughly fell back down onto the bed - frantically wondering what to do. Would Recovery Girl be able to cure you? Would the disease go away if you just forgot about Izuku? You grabbed your phone and started searching for answers. Articles upon articles on the disease, talking about what the misfortunate people who contract it can do to save themselves. 

What you found was disappointing - there are no accounts of people being able to overcome the disease on their own, and always had to resort to surgery or death. You didn’t have the money for surgery, and you didn’t want to bring your friends into this and ask for help - but you didn’t want to die.

“What am I gonna do…” You threw your phone onto the bed and put your hands over your face, holding back your tears. As much as you simply wanted to avoid Izuku until you didn’t love him anymore, it was impossible. Sweet Izuku, who deems it his responsibility to be the most caring person on earth, would be devastated if you were to suddenly cut off ties with him. Besides, how could you when you were forced to see him everyday at school regardless. There was only so long you could feign being sick - you doubted the school wouldn’t do anything to help you. 

The rest of the week was spent in the comfort of your own room - you had managed to convince your friends that you were too sick for school, and for anyone to visit. Researching options had been your top priority, mainly what the surgery entails, but everything you found made you less and less optimistic. 

The surgery costs thousands of dollars, money that no average high school student would have - meaning unless you were to ask for help there would be no way to get the surgery in the first place. And even if you could, there were no certain results. With how rare Hanahaki is, there aren’t enough accounts of successful operations to rely on. Well - they all worked, those who got the surgery were alive. But some had results more drastic than others.

From the result you were hoping for - being you would simply lose feelings for Izuku and live on - to people who had completely forgotten about the person they loved all together. As much as you didn’t want to die, how would you live on without remembering Izuku? Your best friend. He’s been there for you through so much, the thought of living on without him was terrifying.

Yet, everyday you were reminded with the inevitable coming of your death. The itching in your lungs grew everyday, as did the amount of petals you were coughing out. It wouldn’t be long until your lungs were full of flowers - and you suffocated. 

----

“Y/n! Are you feeling better?” Eijirou smiled brightly at you as you walked into the classroom, and you returned a soft smile before sitting in your desk. “I guess.” All you could do was be optimistic, at least in front of your friends. After a week of practically being MIA, you decided you wouldn’t worry them anymore. Besides, if you waited any longer, you’d probably wake up to Katsuki blowing down your door with 15 people behind him. 

Everything was as normal, you talked with Denki and Mina as you waited for class to start, Katsu gave you a “look who finally decided to show up,” - which you knew meant he was glad you were okay - and you even managed to be happy when Izuku ran in and gave you a hug. Your smile strained when Shouto said hi to you however, both because you felt bad for having ignored his texts all week, and because you just didn’t want to be around him. At least not yet. 

Aizawa soon walked into class, and everyone hurried to their seats so that class could start. It wasn’t anything special today - just some more basic hero instruction, and you were happy that you could take it easy as to hopefully not trigger your coughing. You’d be able to tell him about it after class - maybe he could find a way to let you stay out of school until you figured this out.

Still - class was especially long today. Having not been present for a few days seemingly made the period feel much longer than it truly was. And just as luck would have it, an itch began to grow in the back of your throat, and you panicked. You didn’t want anyone else knowing - you didn’t want that kind of attention on you. To be the poor soul of 1A who might die 

You raised your hand, wanting to use the restroom as an excuse to get out of there.

“Yes, y/l/n?”

“Can I-”

Speaking apparently only made it worse, and before you could even finish your sentence you hunched over - beginning to cough up a multitude of flower petals. However, this time was a lot worse than the previous ones, your coughing not letting up until you were choking on petals - likely due to your forcing yourself not to cough for so long. Petals were overflowing from your hands as you attempted to cover your mouth, falling onto your desk and down to the ground. 

Everyone’s attention had already been on you, and with the surprised expression on Aizawa’s face as he ran over to you - they all saw the dark red blood dripping out of your hands and the soft pink petals blanketing your desk. Your attempt at hiding your sickness had only pushed it forward, and now there was nothing you could do. 

Aizawa rubbed your back until you calmed down, and you looked up from your hands to the horrified looks on your friends’ faces. Your face was covered in blood and tears - you looked a mess. 

“Let’s get you to Recovery Girl, okay? Can you stand?”

You nodded, but Aizawa still made sure to hold onto your arm just in case. The room was silent as he led you out, all eyes stuck on you. As you looked back - you were met with the wide eyes of Izuku, and you quickly looked away.

Aizawa had left right after dropping you off at Recovery Girl’s, ruffling your hair a bit and giving you a soft smile in an attempt to cheer you up. 

“Hanahaki disease… I don’t think I’ve ever seen this personally. I can’t promise I’ll be able to help you, but we can try.”

You sat on one of the beds as she walked around the room, grabbing a washcloth and wetting it before bringing it over to you. 

“You probably want to wash all the blood off.”

As you slowly rubbed the washcloth over your mouth, Recovery Girl grabbed your hand and kissed it. Normally, you’d immediately feel better. But other than the scratchy feeling in your throat - nothing changed. You could still feel the slowly growing flowers filling your lungs, they hadn’t gone away.

“How do you feel?”

“The flowers are still there… I can feel them.”

Recovery Girl sighed, “What about your throat? I’m sure all that coughing must have hurt - does your throat feel better?”

Nodding slowly, you felt tears forming in your eyes. So she couldn’t heal you.

“I’m sorry sweetie, I’ve tried all I can. All I can do is heal the physical damage - but no matter what I do, the flowers will keep growing. And if they keep increasing their growth at this rate, soon that won’t even be enough.” 

With all the luck you’ve been having lately, it wasn’t surprising that this was the outcome. But that didn’t mean you weren’t disappointed. Before you could let your emotions overcome you and start crying in front of her, you jumped off the bed and began making your way out. 

“Oh - I understand… thanks anyways.”

With a forced smile to Recovery Girl - who’s worried expression only served to make you feel worse -  you trudged out of her office and into the long hallway. 

“Y/n! Wait up! What happened?”

Izuku chased you down the hall as you left Recovery Girl’s office, a hopeful smile on his face. Apparently he had made his way down there as soon as class ended, wanting to make sure that you were okay. That smile disappeared as he saw your face, contorted in distress as a few tears escaped your eyes. “She wasn’t able to help you, was she?”

He took your silence as a no, but still tried to be optimistic, “Well, there has to be something we can do!”

With all the pain you were in, you’d think that your main worry would be yourself. But no - that hopeless look on Izuku’s face was where your worry had settled. He obviously felt that it was his duty to help you, even if there was nothing he could do.

“There’s surgery, and there’s dying.”

Izuku’s eyes glossed over and he grabbed your wrist, pulling you close.

“You gotta get the surgery y/n! Please - I don’t want you to die.”

If only he knew what he was asking of you. Would he tell you to get the surgery even if he knew he was the one you loved? Would he let you risk forgetting about him - and all the memories you had formed together?

“I don’t have that kind of money, Izuku. And I’m not going to bother anyone with my problem.”

His frown deepened, and his eyes shot around the floor as if he was looking for an answer, “But - I’m sure everyone would help out-”

“No - Izuku. I’ll figure it out. Don’t worry about it, please. It’s not your problem, it’s mine. Let me figure this out on my own.”

With your words, his grip on your wrist loosened in shock, and you used that as an opportunity to pull your hand away. 

“I’ll be fine Izuku, what ever happens, just let me figure it out.”

You left him standing there, worried and hurt as you ran back to your dorm room - just wanting to be alone to process the events of today.

----

A constant knocking at your door drew you awake. As soon as you arrived in your dorm, you found yourself especially drained of energy, and quickly fell asleep. You desperately wanted to just ignore the thumping, but whoever it was wasn’t going to let up, so you sighed and slowly sat up and made your way to the door.

“Shouto? What’s up?”

When you opened the door, you were surprised to see Shouto standing there. He asked if he could come in, and you reluctantly agreed. As soon as you closed the door, he started talking.

“Izuku told me about what happened. Are you really planning on doing this yourself?”

It was hard to read his expression. On one hand he looked worried, but the sharp look in his eyes proved his frustration.

“You’re really going to let yourself die - just so you don’t get anyone else involved?”

His sharp gaze made you feel almost ashamed, as if your decision was completely idiotic - although you supposed it was. But you couldn’t bring yourself to reply, you’ve already caused enough trouble as it is, you don’t want to make others fix your problem.

Shouto sighed and placed his hand on your shoulder, “I’m paying for your surgery. We’ll schedule it for this weekend, can you hold out for that long?”

Your eyes shot to his, the sharp look continuing to tell you he was serious. Even so, you gave him a light glare, crossing your arms as you replied, “What? No - you’re not! You heard it from Izuku, I’m not asking for anyone’s help.”

“Then you’ll die.”

That made you pause. It wasn’t like Shouto to be so blunt, at least not anymore, but he really was serious. 

“I - … I don’t know… I don’t know what I’ll do.”

“Y/n, let me do this. I know you don’t want my help, but I don’t want you to die. No one wants you to die, and you don’t want to die.”

He wasn’t going to take no for an answer, so with a heavy sigh you nodded, “Fine… but - I’ll owe you something. Anything.”

Shouto chuckled lightly at that, and nodded, finally taking his hand off your shoulder as he spoke “Deal. Actually, I know what I want. Hanahaki happens when you love someone that doesn’t love you, right? So - who do you love? I’m just curious.”

Fuck. Of course he would ask that. You forced a smile, “Ah - I don’t wanna talk about that… Isn’t there something else you could ask, or that I could do for you? There’s gotta be something.”

“I don’t have anything else in mind, this is all I wanna know right now. Are you embarrassed by who it is? Or is it me?”

He laughed when he mentioned himself, but he was still looking at you expectantly. If Shouto was anything, apparently it was persistent.

“If I tell you, you have to promise not to get upset.”

“I promise.”

With a deep breath, you looked at the ground and muttered, “Izuku.”

Shouto’s face fell from a soft smile to a painfully neutral expression. The room was silent, except for your slight coughing - all the talking had edged you closer to another coughing fit, and you wanted him out before it happened.

“I’ll call the doctor tomorrow.” Shouto walked to the door and opened it, but paused before he could walk out, “And don’t worry about it y/n. It’s not your fault, I’m not mad.” At that, he fully left, closing the door behind him and leaving you alone once again. At least he understood.

----

The school had allowed you to take the rest of the week off under the suggestion of Aizawa and Recovery Girl, not wanting a repeat of last time. This time, however, you weren’t allowed to stay holed up in your room, as the class forced you out after school to spend time with them. It was times like this that you really appreciated your friends - they would help comfort you when you started coughing up more flowers, and made it their mission to cheer you up. 

The weekend came soon, and Saturday morning you were met once again with Shouto knocking at your door. 

“Ready?”

Bouncing on your heels, you tried to relax your panicky brain. You’d be fine. The operation would go by smoothly, and you’ll be fine. Nothing to worry about.

“Yup! Let’s go.”

The trip there was fairly quiet, you were too busy thinking about the possible outcomes of the operation - and of Izuku. It would hurt to lose these feelings for him, as much as you hated them. To suddenly not love someone anymore sounded terrible. But, you’d still be friends - and that was all that mattered. 

It didn’t take too long to arrive at the hospital, only about a 30 minute train ride, and soon you were waiting in the doctor’s office to go back. It seemed it was a good day to get the surgery done too, as your breathing had gotten worse and worse by the day. You were nowhere near suffocating quite yet, but another week and you just might be.

“Y/l/n-san, you can come back now.”

You followed the nurse into the back room, Shouto following close behind you.

“So, you got Hanahaki disease, huh? That’s real unlucky, but at least there’s surgery. Now, you do understand that other than the removal of the flowers, we can’t be certain of the actual effect the surgery will have on you mentally.”

“I know, I’ve done a lot of research. Whatever happens, I’m ready.”

The nurse nodded, and smiled at you, “Alright - then just sit down right there and relax. I’ll be back in a minute, and we can get started.”

She left to grab the doctors, and you waited for them to return.

“Are you scared?”

“Just of the uncertainty. I know it’ll work, but I’ve read a bunch of articles on how the whole emotional process can go wrong.”

Shouto sat next to you on the bed, “Don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll go fine.”

It wasn’t too long until the doctors came back into the room, dressed and ready for surgery. Shouto was forced to leave the room, and he promised to be right there when you woke up. Once he was gone, the doctors finished their final preparations and the lead surgeon came to prepare you.

“I’m going to put you under now. Are you ready?”

You nodded shakily - both excited and scared to see what would come. 

“Alright, just relax. It’ll be over before you know it.”

He put the mask on your face, and your eyes fluttered shut into a deep sleep.

----

The doctor called Shouto in as soon as you woke up, wanting you to have a familiar face to help adjust while the anaesthesia worked its way out of your system.

“Everything seems to have gone great, the flowers are gone and they’ll live.”

Shouto thanked the doctor, and went into the room. You were still a bit dopey from the anesthesia however, so he let you be, wanting you to rest, and went to call Izuku.

“Shouto! How’d the surgery go? Is y/n okay?”

Shouto couldn’t help but chuckle at Izuku’s enthusiasm. Other than you, Izuku had been the most worried about the surgery - he wouldn’t be able to handle it if something went wrong and he lost you. 

“Yes, they’re okay. They’re still waking up, but once the doctor says it’s okay for visitors to come I’ll text you.”

“Ah! I’m so glad! Okay, I’ll bring everyone with me!”

It was a while later when you fully woke up, finally aware of what was going on as you looked around the white room. 

“Shouto? What time is it? Did the surgery go alright?”

“Around noon, and yes - you’re perfectly fine. Are you hungry? I can go grab you some food.”

You nodded, having not eaten all day, “Yes please. Oh, and could you grab me my phone? Momo said to call her after the surgery.”

Shouto went to grab your bag and began searching through it for your phone, but decided you’d want to know that your friends would be coming soon as well. 

“I’m sure she’ll be coming over soon, Izuku said he’s gonna bring everyone to come visit in a bit”

He expected for you to be happy at the news, but instead your face contorted in confusion, and to Shouto’s horror - you asked, “Who’s Izuku?”

---

As everyone from 1A flooded into the room, you broke out into a bright smile. They all circled around the bed, spouting random comments about how happy they were that you were okay and that the surgery was a success. You excitedly listened to all of them, happy to hear that your friends cared about you so much.

“Y/n! I’m so glad you’re okay! I was so worried!”

Izuku, finally being able to push his way through everyone and up to you, had latched himself onto you, throwing his arms around your shoulders and pulling you into a tight hug. However, you began pushing him off of you, not wanting some stranger to be touching you so closely.

“Uh, I’m sorry, but who are you?”

Izuku’s eyes widened as you said this - and everyone else in the room turned quiet. Your confused expression as you eyed him carefully further emphasized your seriousness. Why didn’t you remember him?

“I’m… I’m Izuku. Don’t you remember me?”

You gave him an overly kind smile, and Izuku had a glimpse of hope as you seemed to have a revelation, but instead, “Oh! You’re the person Shouto was talking to earlier! Nice to meet you!” 

You seemed to recognize everyone else in the room, as you happily turned to Denki who started telling you about something that happened at school to ease the tension. 

Confused, Izuku shakily grabbed his boyfriend’s hand - who’s pained expression worried him more - and pulled him to the corner of the room.

“Shouto… what happened? I thought you said the surgery worked.”

He was quiet for a moment, trying to decide how to word the news in a way that Izuku would understand, “Well… It did. Y/n’s cured. But - Hanahaki is such a rare occurrence, doctors don’t know all the technicalities of it yet. They can’t assure results, and sometimes, the patient ends up forgetting about the person they loved all together rather than just losing their feelings.”

Suddenly, Izuku went numb. That would have to mean - that meant you loved him. 

You loved him. 

It was his fault you went through all that pain. 

Flashes of you coughing up blood and petals in class flooded his brain - and the pain on your face as you looked at him - he caused that. And now, he couldn’t even apologize. You had no idea who he was.

“I’m sorry Izuku.”

He barely noticed as Shouto pulled him into his chest, and he cried softly. As he looked over Shouto’s shoulder, he saw you laughing happily with the others - a sight that should make him smile. 

But all he felt was pain - even though you were right there, he had lost you.

#im ceo of writing bad angst lol #longest fic as of now #izuku midoriya #midoriya x reader #midoriya izuku #deku #deku imagine #deku midoriya #deku x reader #4240 words damn

[c-ptsdrecovery]

Hyperarousal is a specific cluster of symptoms associated with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). As the name implies, hyperarousal is the abnormally heightened state of anxiety that occurs whenever you think about a traumatic event. Even though the threat may no longer be present, your body will respond as if it were.

PTSD can develop after a recent or past trauma, such as warfare, acts of violence, a life-threatening illness, emotional abuse, or the death of a loved one. Hyperarousal can persist long after the trauma has passed, leaving you hyper-responsive to anything that reminds you of the event (including situations, sights, smells, sounds, or even specific words of passages of music).

Causes

PTSD symptoms like hyperarousal ultimately develop as a result of the overreaction of the body's stress response.

Epinephrine (adrenaline) is one of two stress hormones that play a role in the body's flight-or-fight response. Epinephrine works in the short term and produces acute stress symptoms, including pupil dilation, increased blood pressure, and a rapid heart rate. The other hormone, cortisol, works over the long term to regulate the body's response to stress.

PTSD causes biological changes in the brain that differ from depression or bipolar disorder. Rather than affecting the "feel-good" hormones (including serotonin and dopamine), PTSD triggers the hyperproduction of epinephrine simply by remembering a traumatic event.

However, unlike chronic stress in which cortisol levels will invariably rise, cortisol levels in people with PTSD tend to be low. Because cortisol is meant to restore balance to the body after a stressful event, the lack of cortisol can prolong and worsen a PTSD episode. Even during a panic attack, epinephrine levels will shoot up in people with PTSD; cortisol levels will not.

Hyperarousal is believed to be caused when the neurological pathways to the hypothalamus-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis—which regulates the stress response—become overly sensitized. When confronted with certain sensory stimuli, the HPA axis will overreact, secreting excessive amounts of epinephrine which, in turn, stimulate the fear center of the brain, known as the amygdala.

Symptoms

Hyperarousal in PTSD can affect children and adults equally. Symptoms include:

Chronic anxiety

Difficulty falling or staying asleep

Frightening dreams

Difficulty concentrating

Irritability

Anger and angry outbursts

Panic attacks

Being constantly on guard for threats (hypervigilance)5

Being easily startled (excessive startle reflex)

Sleep problems are especially prevalent in children, war veterans, and victims of extreme violence. These individuals will often experience nightmares or flashbacks about past traumas. Children will often re-enact their experiences during play or in drawings or stories.

Treatments

As with all symptoms of PTSD, hyperarousal can be difficult to manage. It not only involves managing the underlying anxiety but effectively dealing with sleep problems, panic attacks, impulsive behaviors, self-harm, anger, and substance abuse issues.

Treatment is typically multidisciplinary and may include psychotherapy, medication, and stress management training. Examples include:

Cognitive behavioral therapy. The aim of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), a form of talk therapy, is to change patterns of thinking or behavior that fuel PTSD symptoms.

Exposure therapy. The aim of exposure therapy is to expose you to the triggers that stimulate stress in order to help you recognize them and alter your response.

Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. The goal of eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) is to use eye movement to redirect you from traumatic memories of the past to current sensations of the present.

Mindfulness training. Mindfulness aims to focus your thoughts on immediate sensations rather than following erratic and stressful thoughts. This may involve techniques such as meditation, controlled breathing, guided imagery, or biofeedback.

Medications. PTSD may be treated with one or several medications, including antidepressants, beta blockers, and anti-anxiety drugs. The antidepressants Zoloft (sertraline), Prozac (fluoxetine), Paxil (paroxetine), and Effexor (venlafaxine) are considered the first-line drugs of choice.

Some doctors will also prescribe medical marijuana, where legal, to help alleviate anxiety and aid in sleep (although there is no clinical evidence of its benefit in improving PTSD over the long term).

Benzodiazepines, otherwise effective in treating anxiety, and avoided in people with PTSD as they can cause dissociation (the detachment from feelings, identity, and even reality) which only serves to amplify PTSD symptoms.

Coping

Hyperarousal symptoms are part and parcel of the PTSD experience. There is rarely a straight road to recovery, and there may be setbacks and complications along the route. But, even when faced with these challenges, it is important to remember that you are as much a factor in your recovery as are your doctors and medications.

To this end, there are things you can do better cope as you take the steps to recognize and overcome PTSD. Among them:

Improve your sleep hygiene. People with PTSD often fear sleep and will do anything to avoid it. This can lead to sleep deprivation and the worsening of your symptoms. While your doctor may recommend a sleep aid, you can do your part by improving your sleep hygiene, including keeping to the same sleep schedule every night.

Avoid alcohol and caffeine. Alcohol is depressant that can amplify feelings of depression and the side effects of your drugs. Caffeine is a stimulant that can increase feelings of edginess and anxiety.

Exercise regularly. Exercise stimulates the production of endorphins, the hormone of which can elevate moods and potentially temper the epinephrine response. Exercise also makes you feel stronger and more in control.

Take time to relax. People with PTSD often avoid silence because they fear it will bring up negative thoughts. But without taking the time to relax, you cannot effectively manage stress. To this end, it helps to set aside time for relaxing mind-body therapies, such as yoga, tai chi, or progressive muscle relaxation (PMR).

Improve your eating habits. Stress-related eating is a common problem in people with PTSD. To avoid this, remove junk food from your pantry and stock your fridge with healthy fruits, nuts, and vegetables. Always eat your meals at a table with a plate and utensils rather than eating out of a bag or fast food container. Use cooking as a means to decompress after a long day.

Build a support network. Don't suffer in silence. Find friends and family in whom you can confide, ideally people who don't panic or try to "make things right." You can also speak to your therapist about PTSD support groups to share your thoughts with others who understand what you are going through.

#ptsd #c-ptsd #anxiety #panic attacks #insomnia

[tinywordsblog]

Tiny Words is a creative nonfiction podcast, featuring my own writing and stories. In episode 1, I talk about my experiences with disordered eating, body image, and recovery. 

And, more than anything, this is an ode to little Amber, and the little legs that have carried her this far. (It’s also an ode to the White Rabbit Cafe’s vegan chocolate chip cookies).

Trigger Warning: This podcast episode discusses topics of disordered eating, weight, health, calories, and food. If these things are triggering to you, I would not recommend listening to this episode, but I appreciate you nonetheless. 

Transcript: 

The goal of the ‘Tiny Words’ blog has always been to highlight the small truths of life, those that make up our existence and have a larger impact than it might seem on the surface. For this podcast series, I’ll be featuring my own writing as an audio presentation. I’ll be telling my own stories (and perhaps those of others) through a format that is new to me as a creator. Throughout the past few months, I’ve reopened the world of creativity and writing--a realm that has long been boarded up and evacuated. I wanted to reopen that realm in this podcast episode by writing a story that many months of therapy has shown me is one of my own truths. With that said, I present “Just a Little Husky” to you. I hope you find something of myself in this. 

DISCLAIMER: I want to preface this story with a trigger warning. This episode discusses topics of disordered eating, weight, health, calories, and food. If these things are triggering to you, this episode might not be best for you. 

[introduction music fades into the story]

I was in elementary school when I discovered what a body was. I knew that we all had stomachs and arms and legs and chins. I was aware of those things only as they related to being a child. My legs carried me where I needed to go. My arms were used for holding and hugging and gesturing. My stomach was something to be fed and nurtured. But I never knew what those things were supposed to look like. Or that those things were “supposed” to look like anything at all. At that same age, my older sister’s friend--only 2 short years older than myself--lost a significant amount of weight. Our families rallied around her, remarked on her “dedication” and the clockwork-like Wii Fit exercises she was doing. For the first time in my life, thinness was celebrated. 

I became aware of the looks that those closest to me had given plus-size women before I knew what a plus size woman was. The side-eyed glances to a woman in a form-fitting shirt. Scoffs cast on young girls confidently wearing shorts when “they really shouldn’t be wearing shorts that short. Not with that body.” 

When my sister’s friend lost weight, and more importantly when she was celebrated for her weight loss, my innocence began to crack and shatter. A mirror had been turned on myself, and confidence became something you needed to shrink yourself down into. 

My sophomore year of high school, a pediatrician--one who considered himself “traditional” to be exact--told my mother and I that, “it wasn’t a problem yet. She’s not overweight. Just a little husky.” 

Just a little husky. Just a little husky. Just a little husky. 

Not a problem yet, but becoming one. Just a little husky.

He diagnosed me with the feelings of self-hatred that had cast their shadow on my reflection. “Just a little husky” and suddenly I became no more than a number. 

It wasn’t until a year ago, when my therapist furrowed her brows and asked, “He said what?” that I realized my pediatrician’s words were the wrong thing--not my body. Now, I see his comment as a lapse in his judgment. Back then, though, it was a death sentence.

I was raised on diet culture and calorie counting apps and skinny teas and fat-free versions of your favorite snack foods. That day at the doctor’s office, I was prescribed a monster thinly-veiling itself as healthy living. It told me that to be healthy was to avoid. To shrink. To achieve the smallest possible number. 

And, really, the numbers were all I had. Scale in the morning, before breakfast to be the smallest possible weight. “Bare minimum” best describes it. I ate cereal in the morning, exactly one cup-sized measuring cup full of Special-K with no milk. I would eat a  sandwich for lunch, on bread that was strictly labeled “light,” spread with one exact tablespoon of peanut butter-- or perhaps two, on a cheat day. I ate snacks, but never more than 90-calories each. For dinner I would eat with my family, but I “portion controlled” and never took a second serving. I’d eat side salads as a main meal on a bad day, and dessert was a rarity. My pantry was full of green block text screaming “light,” “low-fat,” “diet soda,” “shrink yourself until there’s nothing left”, and wither away faster with this brand of pretzels for a lower rate than the competitor!

The patriarchy packaged up an eating disorder into a glittering pink parcel and sold it to me on a silver scale. Told me I was too fat to feel worthy of a crop top. I was commercialized into a fat kid with a complex about the clothes I wore and the way I sat, constantly aware of  the way my face morphed into a smile and how my body moved around me when I danced. I sewed my worth into the waistband of my pants. I practiced my smile and adjusted my posture. I wore only the size that I wanted to be, and if a store’s clothes ran smaller--forcing me into the next size up--I cried my way to another. I was “just a little husky,” and the diet was not enough to erase those words from the corners of my mind. 

I once heard a slam poem by Blythe Baird called ‘When the Fat Girl Gets Skinny’ that says, “If you develop an eating disorder when you are already thin to begin with, you go to the hospital. If you develop an eating disorder when you are not thin to begin with, you are a success story.” When I first heard Baird’s poem, I tried to pretend that I wasn’t listening to my own existence sung back to me from someone else’s mouth. But it was my own song. When you go from being fat to being skinny through means of an eating disorder, your mental illness becomes a physical celebration. I was fifteen years old being asked what my “secret” was by fully-grown aunts and uncles. I was told “You look great”, a compliment that I’ve learned translates to “You look smaller.” They applauded me even when I asked for no Easter candy, when I asked permission to eat my birthday cake “and even the ice cream, too?” 

To this day, I still ask for permission when eating a fear food, but now I’m able to answer my own question. When I was restricting myself, I thought of progress only in quantitative terms. I was a series of numbers, gradually getting smaller, hoping to never get bigger. Now, I can see my progress cast around my person like light falls through a window. The light does not pick and choose certain objects to illuminate just like my disordered eating did not pick and choose certain aspects to affect while leaving others untouched. When progress came, it could be seen shimmering on every surface. I see my progress in the way I slouch in chairs. In how I clothe myself in patterns that I love rather than vertical stripes because, to quote a dying fashion industry, “horizontal stripes make you look bigger.” In how I laugh without covering my mouth. In how I’m trying to learn to love my smile no matter how it stretches my face. In how I speak without fear of my voice “sounding fat,” though I’m still not sure how fifteen-year-old Amber thought a voice could sound that way. 

In how, even on my bad body days, I buy myself White Rabbit Cafe-sized vegan chocolate chip cookies. In how I sweeten my tea and spice my food. In how I’ve forgotten the number of calories in a single grape and couldn’t tell you the amount of carbs in a bowl of pasta. In how I love my stretch marks as if they were the perfect tattoos. 

My body certainly isn’t a temple, but I’m learning day-by-day to turn it into a warm bed on a rainy day. It’s becoming a place to take comfort, a thing to clothe in loving embraces and swaths of my favorite colors. Or, rather than making it a metaphor, maybe my body is just my body. My means of navigating the world. The vessel used to love and be loved. The thing I carry around with me always. 

Maybe I am “just a little bit husky,” and that’s a thing to be celebrated, too.

#audio #podcast #storytelling #creative nonfiction #cf #recovery