I wanted to tell you I love you. But no words came out. I wanted to write about everything I had been through this year. But the truth didn't spill. I'm containing it all for now. Why? Is it weakness? Self preservation? Confusion? Fear? Anger? I honestly do not know. When it comes to you and when it comes to this year, there is not much I know with objectivity. And I'm trying to not think with my feelings. Feelings are beautiful when felt but disastrous when followed as the north star. Maybe that, that is perhaps the biggest lesson of 2023. My feelings for you led me to abandon my values. Your feelings for me made me be okay with that. Feelings feelings feelings. Most times fickle, many times foul. But that's not even the issue with feelings. Feelings are fleeting. And I want to rely on more fundamental and foundational things. Let my feelings exist to be felt fully. Let my feelings exist to be written about beautifully and truly. Let my feelings exist to remind me I am human, to remind me I am alive. And yet let my lessons, my values, my strategic mind guide my decisions from here on out. Because if it were left up to my feelings? I'd be in your house smoking my third cigarette in between kisses telling each other how much we've missed this. And that is not something I am going to allow anymore. That's my mind looking out for me. That is my soul whispering the path forward. This time I will listen. Let my feelings only feel.
In semi-trance state after completing a ritual of mine | October 5, 2022
Stuck trying to choose a certain path: heart vs. mind
I chose my heart for a few months on that particular subject. Then my mind came out of me like a furious monster kept in isolation and took over me. The end was inevitable. This is why I can’t only follow my heart in most cases.
Perhaps, it wasn’t wise to stick with the heart that time. But that experience alone (unlike any other heart matters of mine) gave me a surge of healing, peace and one of the biggest enlightenments.
I needed it. It had to happen. I don’t regret it. Surprisingly..
I still love you as a person. Always have. Please forgive me. See you in another life time F. ✨
Wrote this off a writing prompt, I think it was “write about the battle between the heart and mind” hence the title. also unpunctuated poem...again.
A battle between two storms
each one strong and powerful
One is chaotic with no direction
its destructive force exploding out in all directions
the other is calculated and almost calm
waiting quietly for the perfect strike
The never-ending battle
thunderous blows
strikes of lightning
brutal rain falling on those below
They may go quiet for days at a time
but the dark clouds will never part
and the battle will resurface again
no retreat
no surrender
forever at battle
with no hope of victory for either party