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dreamingonclds · 7 months

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Everything Happens For A Reason | LN4

Summary: Sometimes the people that love us hurt us the most but, you can't seem to stay away. After an immense break up, you've become the most passionate in your career. Going from casting to casting, concert to concert, audition to audition, you become one of the most famous artists of your generation. You were done picking up the broken pieces of your heart when somebody comes into your life and you place your heart in someone else's hands again.

Word Count: 4571

Pairing: Lando Norris x female! reader ft. Carlos Sainz

Warnings: none

Chapter 6

Previous Chapter

“Are you seriously not coming, Jen?” It's late afternoon and Jen and yourself are back at the hotel. You had invited Jen to come out with you guys and initially, she had agreed to but has since changed her mind.

Carlos had called you shortly after you arrived at the hotel, letting you know that the outing would include the other drivers and friends. You felt the relief of knowing that you wouldn’t have to go alone and that Jen would be there supporting you. But, that feeling didn’t last very long; obviously.

“I’m feeling like shit again, sorry” she shakes her head and lays down on your bed. Jen was never one to shy away from a night out so it’s safe to say you were concerned. Throughout the time that you guys were at the track, she had not mentioned that she felt ill again, nor did you notice. You really thought it had passed but you were clearly wrong, you begin to feel bad that you hadn’t noticed.

“Don’t worry, seriously, it’s not that bad. I think it’s just the traveling, I don’t think Monaco likes me very much.” she chuckles trying to reassure you when she notices you walking towards her to check up on her.

“Jen, why didn’t you tell me you still felt sick; this whole time?”

“I promise I didn’t, I felt good again once we started the tour. It literally just crept up on me, just now.” She sits up on the bed with a small smile, but it’s forced. You take a good look at her face, trying to read her but all you can see is how pale she’s gotten.

“Jen, I’m not going. You’ve gone yellow, we need to get you some medicine” you say and take your phone out to let Mason know how she’s doing

“No, no, no. You're going and that’s final, you know I hate raining on anybody’s parade. I think I just need some sleep.” she places her hand on your arm trying to convince you. “What good does it do for both of us to stay in? You're in Monaco, your young, live it up, we still have the rest of the weekend to have fun” she assures you

“But how will I know that you’re not feeling any worse or if you need something?” you question, crossing your arms, still not feeling good about leaving her

“I’m a big girl Y/N, I can take care of myself. Plus, I have to call Mason anyway, we have to go over some stuff. He’ll be watching me, sort of.”

“Uhh, I don’t know Jen”

“Well, I do know, you’re going! A literal Formula 1 driver, for Ferrari, asked you out on a date and you’re not going to go!”

“It’s not a date Jen!” you bite your lip trying not to smile

“Uh huh, keep telling yourself that. You're going!” she stands up and turns you pushing you towards the bathroom. “Go get ready!”

“Ok mom,” you say giving in

…

You’re currently standing in front of your closet, staring at the multiple outfits you packed away but still, you can’t seem to figure out what to wear. Even after you re-did your hair and makeup, you hoped it would give you a little inspiration for your attire, but nope. You initially had your eye set on a dress but after Carlos told you it wasn’t going to be just you and him; you changed your mind.

It wasn’t that you thought it was a date or anything but, you always found confidence in your clothes when you couldn’t find it in yourself. And considering that you were going out with Carlos Sainz, anybody with eyes knew that they had to dress to impress around him, I mean just look at him. It also didn’t help that after your last relationship, you were left feeling insecure about your appearance. That man really pulled all your confidence from your body and kept it to himself, you want it back.

There were rare times you felt beautiful, even as a child you had self-esteem issues. You struggled with how you felt about your appearance and never with your mind or your artistry. You knew you were intelligent and talented, that you never doubted; you’re very proud of all your work. Your beauty, however, you always doubted it, even when nobody else did. Anybody with eyes could see and feel how beautiful you were physically, that feeling, you’re dying to find it.

After being alone with your thoughts for a couple of minutes, you thought any more time would become unhealthy. So after no success, you decided you needed another opinion. You didn’t want to bother Jen’s rest so, you went to the best next thing for help.

🌶Chili🌶

Y/n: Hola! What are the vibes for tonight, what should I wear?

Carlos: Nothing too fancy, we’re just going out for drinks.

Y/n: Semi-casual, got it.

Carlos: I’ll let you know when I’m outside the hotel

You didn’t bother replying, not wanting to waste any time, so you simply just liked his message. He didn’t let you know how long he would be so you scrambled to get dressed. You settled on a red flowy tank, some mid-waist jeans, and some small but classy heels.

Soon enough, you heard your phone buzzing on the nightstand, you breathed a sigh of relief. You had been talking to Jen, trying to calm your nerves and you felt like you were going to explode if you had to wait any longer. So, you quickly answered the phone.

“Hola, estoy afuera!” (Hello, I’m outside!)

“Ok, ya voy!” (Ok, I’m going!)

“Ok, it’s 8 pm, I expect you back by like 2 am; the latest!” Jen pointed at you

“No promises” You laugh at her mothering and look at her mischievously, grabbing your things and ready to head out.

“Be safe okay?” she says as you're heading towards the door to leave. But, you hear a knock at the door that causes both of you to look at each other in confusion. Looking through the peephole, you see that it’s Carlos. What was he doing here?

“Hey, what are you doing, I was about to head out?” you ask him after opening the door. You notice he seems a little out of breath as you get a good look at his face.

“Medicine! For Jen, I almost forgot so I ran up” he says holding up a grocery bag and stepping into your room. He goes up to the bed Jen was on and begins taking and showing her the stuff he got. When he first called you, you mentioned Jen’s condition and asked him where you could find a drugstore. Clearly, he was several steps ahead of you.

“Carlos, you didn’t have to do this, we were about to order some to the room,” Jen says while looking at him in awe

“No, it’s okay, don’t worry about it. Thank you for letting her go out!” he giggles as he reassures her as he turns to smile at you, and you happily reciprocate it.

“Well, thank you very much. Take care of her yeah, I’m trusting you” she tells him as you both walk towards the door

“No problem, I’ll bring her back in one piece, I promise,” he says as he leads you out of the room into the hallway

Once you’ve bid your goodbyes, you touch his arm to get his attention. “Thank you, so much, seriously.”

“It’s nothing” He turns to you and looks down, finally getting a good look at you. You’re about 5’3.5, maybe 5’4 on a good day and even with your small heels tonight, he still had about 6 inches on you. Considering you were also wearing a low-cut top tonight, you felt his gaze reach your chest, you felt your ears go hot. “You look beautiful,” he says

You ignore his comment and continue walking as you don’t know what to say. You hope he ignores your lack of response but then you feel his hand on your lower back again. But, this time you can’t ignore it, your top is sort of see-through so you can actually feel his skin on your skin.

“Thank you, you look beautiful too,” you say looking up at him and offering him a gentle smile, he smiles back.

You guys keep up the small talk until you reach the porte-cochere of the hotel. “Oh, Charles and his girlfriend Alex are driving with us” he lets you know as he opens the car door for you and finally removes his hand from your back.

“Good evening guys!” you say excitedly, knowing that there would be another girl around tonight made you feel much better.

“Hi Y/N, how are you? This is my girlfriend, Alex,” says Charles introducing you two

“Hi, nice to meet you. I’m a really big fan, I'm trying not to fangirl right now. The cameras don’t do your beauty justice.” she extends her hand out at you to shake

“Thank you so much, I really appreciate it. Enough about me, look at you, you’re stunning!” you say shaking her hand. You guys begin small talk and completely ignore the guys, as they’re both talking with the chauffeur about where you all are heading. As you're talking, you can hear a slight “French” accent in Alex’s voice. But before you can ask her about it, Alex questions your origins.

“Carlos was saying that you’re Mexican, right?” you nod your head yes at her. Carlos was talking to them about you, you thought. “So am I! Well only half, I was raised here in Monaco if you couldn’t tell” she says excitedly as she points to her mouth

“No way! I was going to ask, your accent is so cute.” you and Alex continue your conversation and even exchange socials, quickly becoming friends.

“Looks like there are already a lot of people here, too many,” Charles says suddenly, cutting into Alex’s and your conversation

“Yeah, I thought so, all the drivers are going,” says Alex

“No like, there’s a lot of paparazzi. I don’t even know how we’ll manage to get inside the place.” Charles turns from his seat and shows his phone to both of you and sure enough, the place is packed. You instantly begin to feel anxious and begin to pick at your fingers, Carlos notices and reaches behind his seat placing a light hand on your clothed knee

“We’ll figure it out,” he says smiling reassuringly

Shortly after, you guys arrive at the bar, the guys hop out of the car first and you instantly hear the mob of people. You step out of the car with Carlos’ help but before you can even mutter a thank you, he is pulled away by Charles to the Tifosi. As the guys get closer to the fans, the fans all crowd closer. Alex quickly hooks her arm around yours, “C’mon let's go” she says as you two are guided out with the help of security

“Thank you,” you say to both Alex and the security as you place your hand on your chest trying to steady your breathing; feeling thankful that she pulled you out of that situation. Alex then swiftly pulls you to the group of wags, introducing you to them and them to you. Your mood quickly rises again, girl talk always makes you feel better. As you're exchanging socials with Lily, you feel a hand on your shoulder. As you turn around you notice the blue-eyed, blonde, all-American boy; Logan.

“Mind if I steal her for a bit?” he says to all the girls

“No, no, not at all,” says Lily as she pushes you to him. You hear a course of giggles and get teasing looks. You can tell these girls are going to be fun to hang around.

“Hey, what's up?” you ask him confidently, earlier in the day, you and Logan bonded over the fact that you were the only Americans around. He expressed that he gets lonely and feels left out sometimes and that you made him feel at home. Already having so much in common, you two easily became good friends.

“Nothin' much, hoping you’d come tonight,” he says shyly, as you follow him to the bar. “Let me buy you a drink” he offers as the bartender comes up to you both. As you both sit down at the stools to wait for your drinks, you see Lando coming towards you with a smile but quickly stops when he notices you have company. You go to smile at him but are cut short when your drinks arrive.

“How are you liking Monaco?” he says taking his drink

“I love it” you take a sip from your drink, “So, much!” he laughs at your honesty

“I’d thought so, everybody always says the same thing; it is great” he admits

“You live here too?” you ask while looking around the bar at the other drivers

“Unfortunately, no; I’m in England”

“I’m sure England is treating you well, it’s one of my favorite places to tour and film at” you share with him

“Yeah it is, it just doesn’t have a “vacation” feeling like Monaco does. And the weather, you get tired of it quickly when you live there long-term”

“The weather is actually why I like it so much,” you say truthfully

“Really? You should come spend some time there with me then” he suggests

“Yeah?” you ask him teasingly, finishing up your drink

“Yeah” he smirks

Lando POV

“Just go up to them!” says Daniel, Lando had gone up to him asking for advice on how to steal you from Logan. Lando had become frustrated and he started to feel like he wouldn't get the chance to talk to you at all tonight

“What could they even be talking about?” Lando questions, he sees you both laughing and his mind goes wild at the thought of what it could be

“I don’t know but, you’ll never know if you don’t go and talk to her,” says Daniel, beginning to feel frustrated at Lando’s lack of confidence

“You know what, maybe I shouldn't,” Lando thinks back to the near accident earlier. Daniel turns his head, confused and waiting for Lando to continue

“I almost flipped the car on the hot lap earlier, it could've been bad” Lando runs his hand over his face, still feeling embarrassed. He expects Daniel to comfort him but he quickly regrets even telling Daniel after hearing him start to laugh

“Oh my god, that’s so embarrassing. Yeah, maybe you shouldn’t talk to her.” Daniel says laughing and jokingly pushing Lando. Daniel expects Lando to laugh back but begins to feel guilty when he notices Lando looking down.

“I’m just kidding man, she doesn’t seem like the kind of girl to hold onto things like that,” Daniel says while looking at Y/N and Logan

“Look, now’s your chance, go!” Daniel pushes Lando forward once he sees Logan trying to get the bartender's attention

Y/N Pov

“Hey, can I talk to you for a bit?” you hear from behind you, you turn around and see Lando. Hearing this, Logan turns around as well, looking a little surprised. You take turns looking from the American to the Brit not knowing what to say. You don’t want to leave Logan but you also don’t want to reject Lando.

“Umm, sure,” you say, wanting to leave the awkward feeling behind.

“Sorry mate,” Lando tells Logan

“Sorry Logan, we’ll catch up later, yeah?” you suggest to him

“Yeah, yeah, of course, no worries,” he says not having any other option, you feel bad ditching him but really, you didn’t have any other options either. So you stand up putting your glass on the bar counter and place your hand on his shoulder as a goodbye as you walk away. He gives you a sorry smile as he turns his back on you guys.

Lando leads you to the back of the bar, to booths that are nearing empty. There are still some people scattered around conversing but it’s mostly quiet, a better place for conversation. You begin to think of how to start a conversation but he beats you to it.

“I just wanted to say, I’m really, really, sorry about earlier today; that usually never happens, I don’t know what happened, maybe it was the car or-” he rambles on apologetically

You smile at him empathetically and giggle at his unreasonable concern, you place a tender hand on his knee. He was going on and on, not even looking at you as he endlessly apologized and you knew he wouldn’t stop if you didn’t stop him. “It’s okay seriously, it was out of your control, stop worrying about it, enjoy your night,” you tell him kindly but sternly to get the message across.

He finally turns to look at you, bashfully, and the look in his eyes seems to want just a little bit more reassurance. So, you soothingly rub your thumb over his knee, “I promise, it’s not a big deal” you declare. He lets out a tense breath and you see his shoulders seem to lighten, you take this as a sign that he received your message so you remove your hand from his leg.

“Thanks,” he says softly

“So, how do you feel, with the race coming up?” you try to break the silence, searching for his eyes that have been turned from you

“Umm, I’m actually really dreading it,” he says honestly, you give him a confused look wanting him to continue, “I’ve been doing really horrible so far, seasons not been going well. I can’t imagine this next one going even better, everybody’s going to cook me alive”

“But you’ve been trying your best, right?” you ask him, now it’s his turn to look confused.

“I’ve been giving it my all, I don’t know why it’s not showing” he looks frustrated as he begins to bite his lip and fidget with his hands

“Then that’s all that matters, if you’re trying your absolute best. Who cares what anybody else thinks, I’m sure your team and your friends are aware of the work you're putting in. I’ve only just met you and I can tell!” you tell him from experience

“Patience Lando, that’s key. Waiting isn’t fun but, I can guarantee to you that you’ll get what you want sooner rather than later.” you notice his eyes begin to glisten, your image of Lando was always one that was confident so to see him show you this side of him, you were thankful. Especially because you had only known each other for less than 24 hours.

“We’ll see” he smiles at you but you can tell it’s to mask his troubled thoughts

“Don't be so pessimistic” You look forward to the other drivers who all seem to be having a lively good time

“It’s hard to feel positive about your work when it seems like everybody around you is comparing you to all the other drivers. And my team, I love them you know but, they never point out any of the good work I do, it’s just what I do wrong or what I’m lacking in. And then, the “fans”, they’re on the outside looking in, they have no idea what actually goes on inside!” he talks with his hands and you can feel how agitated and upset he feels. You wish you could relate to him but you can’t so, you offer him a sympathetic smile.

“Not everybody feels that way” you turn to him

“What?” he questions

“I trust you, your work. You’ll prove everybody wrong before you know it.” you assertedly express to him

“You promise it’ll get better” he looks at you unsure

“I promise,” you say confidently as you raise your pinky to him. He raises his pinky and locks it around yours.

“Thanks” he looks at you tenderly, “I really needed that” You can see the genuineness in his eyes

“Anytime,” you say truthfully

…

Soon after your conversation with Lando, you both stand up and head back towards the action. You guys get a couple more drinks and start chatting about anything and everything. Lando was currently telling you about all the video ideas he had for Quadrant, his company. You were actively listening and putting in your own two cents and he gladly received them, writing a few down in his notes. He was laughing at a joke you had just made when you were politely interrupted by a certain Spaniard.

“Hey, what are guys talking about?” says Carlos, walking up, drink in hand. Before either of you could respond, you hear a yell from across the bar.

“Lando!” you turn and see George and Alex waving Lando over. Lando groans in protest but ultimately walks over, leaving you and Carlos. You both giggle at his childlike response before turning to each other.

“So, what were you guys talking about?” Carlos asks once again

“Oh umm, just stuff you know; everything” You knew Carlos probably knew about Lando’s issues but you didn’t want to bring it up in case he didn’t. Plus, Lando’s and your conversation was between you two only. Carlos gives you an understanding nod and changes the subject.

“I was going to come and find you after me and Charles were done, but then we got caught up with some other people, I’m sorry” You shake your head at him understanding where he is coming from

“I saw you with Logan and I didn’t want to interrupt anything” he raises his eyebrows at you in a suggestive way. You blush at what he was insinuating and quickly shake your head.

“He’s great and everything but I don’t think I can do another relationship anytime soon” You look down, playing with the straw in your glass. You weren’t one to open up about your relationships, especially to people you just met but tonight, you had the alcohol to thank for that.

Carlos immediately regrets even bringing that topic up, noticing your instant change in mood. He mutters numerous sorry’s but it’s too late and you end up spilling your guts to him. You had only told the public that your breakup with your ex was mutual and cordial but that was further from the truth.

Your ex, he was your fiance, you thought you were going to marry him. The only people who knew that were your friends, his friends, your family, and his family. And it was supposed to stay that way but you just needed to rant to somebody who didn’t know you or him. You're sure that tomorrow morning you will regret it but for now, it felt good to unload.

“I’m sorry Carlos, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have told you.” you set your glass down, running your hands through your hair. It had been a while since you thought about your past, you wanted to forget it and leave it behind, to run away furthest from it. But, it always came back and for some reason, it hurt more each time, and it always brought more questions. Questions you so badly wanted answers to but, you weren’t sure you were ever going to get them.

“Hey, hey” Carlos tries to turn you to him as you are stuck staring at the floor, “Look at me, please” he grabs your shoulders and faces you in front of him. You feel the tears begin to prickle in your eyes, so you take a deep breath before you look up at him.

You meet his eyes and your emotions betray you, your tears begin to fall. He hurries and grabs your hand pulling you to a back hallway, empty and away from anybody. You put your face in your hands, not wanting him to see you. You're not one to cry in front of anybody so you didn’t know what to do with your body. He soothingly rubbed your arms up and down until you calmed down.

You used your hands to dry your face and mentally cursed yourself for wearing a sleeveless top. The expulsion of your tears caused you to sober up, you quickly realized your situation and then became too embarrassed to even look at him. You notice a bathroom at the end of the hallway and try to make your way there but feel his arms grab at you.

“Oh, come here” he pulls you into his side, laying his head on yours until your breathing calms down. “Are you okay?” He says before going to stand in front of you, he’s about 6 inches taller than you so he kneels down until you're face to face.

“Yep,” you say looking at him, he chuckles at the irony of your appearance and response.

“I’m going to go clean myself up a little,” you tell him pointing to the bathroom, he nods leaning against the wall

After you clean the smudged mascara from under your eyes and reapply some lipstick, you come out of the bathroom to find Carlos just how you found him.

“I think I’m going to head home now” You pull out your phone to try and order yourself an Uber

“I’ll go with you” he suggests

“What, no Carlos. Your friends are still here, I’m so sorry I ruined your night” you embarrassingly admit

“I don’t think most of them are here anymore, they probably moved down to another bar or club,” he says pointing to the door leading towards the bar area. You were too emotional to even notice that the liveliness had quieted down. Before you can begin to apologize again, you hear him speak up.

“And you didn’t ruin anything I promise, thanks for opening up to me.” you look at his eyes and they’re sincere, you can tell but, you still can’t help but feel bad. You go to open your mouth to give him one final apology but he quickly shuts you down.

“Vamonos” (Let's go) he offers you his arm and you grab it, you walk out to the bar and he is right. There were no more drivers around, only team members but nobody that he would stay for and talk to. He leads you to the car and you both hop in, he gives the driver the name of your hotel. On the car ride back he gives it his all to try and make you laugh, making dumb jokes and sharing silly videos of the other drivers he had.

As he’s laughing at a video of Fernando he took, you turn from his phone to his face. Taking a good look at his face, you embrace the feeling of comfort he brought with him and gave to you. This man has already done so much for you in the very short time you’ve known him. You were going to try everything to make up this night for him. You felt silly for this but you already didn’t want to lose him as a friend. You weren’t sure if you were even friends yet but he sure made you feel like you were. It scared you to not know why people come into your life when they do but with Carlos, you were excited to find out.

Taglist:

@leptitlu

@norassimpingzone

@tpwkstiles

@hiraethrhapsody

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winns-stuff · 1 year

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LO RANT/VENT:

Umm so I haven’t been too active, life’s been manageable and my grades are actually doing amazing so I now will give myself a small break. But with the fastpass and yes I will vaguely talk about it because this has to hurt more than ever for me.

I am going to let it out and just say that I absolutely hate Lore Olympus. I have no tolerance for it anymore and I deeply despise it, and before anyone tries to come at me I have every fucking right to especially after this stupid ass fast pass with Demeter. This entire comic has been the most invalidating experience I’ve ever had to witness in my life, it is an insult to my youth, an insult to my feminism, an insult to my community, an insult to my culture, my trauma, and even my identity as a whole. I’ve been really quiet about it because I’m used to people stepping all over me and completely disrespecting me but I can’t do this anymore. Nothing has made me more sick than reading all of this.

Now you may be wondering why I say all of this in the first place and I’ll tell you. I’ve been informed (MAJOR SPOILER SO PLEASE JUST SKIP THIS) that Demeter gets manipulated into having sex with Zeus and shes obviously heartbroken and feels taken advantaged of yet the whole narrative of the situation still paints her as a fucking villain. I’m going to be a little personal with this but the reason why I have such a huge issue with this is because this is the exact same thing that happened with my mother, unfortunately she was coerced and manipulated into having sex with her then boyfriend which in turn got her pregnant (with me) and made him furious, he wanted to abort me while my mother refused to do so so he started harassing my family until he finally got arrested. To see this exact same situation be played in a way that Demeter isn’t the victim and she’s just bitter and jealous when this obvious traumatic thing happened to her makes me sick to my damn stomach. This stuff happens to real people all the time Rachel you cannot just handle these things with such ignorance all the fucking time, you can’t just say your comic validates trauma when you’ve belittled one of the most fucked up shit you can do to a person.

Then to top it off the comments are no better, they’re all victim blaming and incredibly insensitive. I’ve seen people literally call Demeter a bitch in her own story about her own fucking trauma, they’ve said that it was her fault, that she should’ve known better, that she shouldn’t have trusted Zeus. All of these things have been said to my mother as well, every last phrase has been said to my mother and it’s gotten to a point where she blames herself for the situation. There’s genuinely no words to describe how incredibly angry I am, I’m so just over everything with this comic and I want people to understand how harmful things like this are. I don’t have any real words except that I’m sorry to everyone who’ve ever been through something similar, if you had to read any of those comments I’m so incredibly sorry. I’m sorry to my mother as well because the same people who have been invalidating her and blaming her for her own trauma are continuing their fucking rounds with stuff like this.

People like that genuinely make me sick. How are you going to blame anyone for trauma or traumatic situations that happened to THEM, what the hell did you not fucking learn about this??? You’ve watched Persephone going through all of this stuff and literally suffering and you’ve seen how much of an emotional toll it’s had on her yet after seeing all the struggle that it puts people through you still decide to say stupid shit like that. What makes all of this even worse is if this was Persephone or Hades no one would’ve said a thing, everyone would’ve been supported and validated her whole experience yet if it’s any other form of trauma that they don’t count as important or even relevant they’ll dismiss it and belittle it. I’m so sick of this shit, at some point Rachel is going to have to get involved she’s always proclaiming how mentally aware Lore Olympus is and she has nothing to show for it you can do something now by actually calling out your horrendous fans (obviously the ones I brought up) for their disgusting actions.

#lo critical #anti lore olympus #anti lo

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painedpen · 7 months

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The people have spoken.

Peaceful Hope’s Peak:

So this whole AU is based on the idea of the butterfly effect. One small detail can change the whole story.

What would have happened if the students had more time to solidify relationships before Monokuma started with the motives?

Hope’s Peak was relatively peaceful until that first motive was released, and even then Sayaka only acted on it due to fear and desperation. I think that of Monokuma had waited like a week to present the motive videos, Sayaka would have had a deeper and more genuine connection with the other students, and she wouldn’t have tried to frame Makoto.

So basically, the game starts out exactly the same, except there’s more time for the students to mingle and get somewhat used to life in the school. Makoto has a couple of rough patches with people (*cough* Byakuya and Mondo *cough*) but overall everyone’s been getting along. Monokuma presents the first motive, and Sayaka has her breakdown. This time, however, it’s not just Makoto who goes to comfort her. Most of the students are trying to cheer her up and support her.

A couple of nights later, Sayaka comes pounding on Makoto’s door, telling her story about someone trying to break into her room. She’s extremely close to convincing Makoto, but she loses her nerve at the last second and breaks. She tells Makoto everything and, because Makoto is like Jesus or something, he forgives her immediately. Sayaka goes back to her room, and spends her night jamming out with Leon like she had promised.

Time passes. No one else tries anything due to the risk being too high, and positive feelings about their classmates as a whole. Taka and Mondo start on their Gay Shit™, now with the added bonus of Makoto not being traumatized and also participating in Gay Shit™ with them. Mondo and Chihiro are also getting along really well.

Second motive is introduced, and Taka immediately decides to share his secret with the class so that the Mastermind can’t use it against them. Spurred on by this decision, Mondo follows his example. Soon everyone’s sat down with each other, revealing their secrets and talking through them one by one. Group Therapy ensues.

Time passes, and Monokuma is getting really sick of this Found Family shit so he tries again. This time the motive is money. Here’s how this one goes down:

Monokuma: Whoever kills another student and gets away with it gets 10,000,00$ how about that?

Everyone: …

Everyone: Anyways-

Celeste ponders it for a minute, but at this point she’s too close with Chihiro to really consider it, so she painstakingly let’s it go. (Outing myself as a CelesHiro shipper because the aesthetics are just too good)

At this point Junko - the real one not Mukuro because Junko was chosen as the Mastermind for shock value and I do not approve - decides she has been away from her sewing machine for long enough and starts working on projects for all of her classmates. This means MAKEOVERS because I said so.

Last ditch effort, Monokuma reveals that Sakura is the traitor because she hasn’t killed anybody yet. Sakura’s like: “I’m really sorry but like he has my family so I didn’t really have a choice. He’ll probably kill me soon, but I’m not gonna kill any of you.” Kyoko and Makoto immediately decide that this isn’t acceptable, and decide to try and put an end to the killing game.

Big ass investigation takes place and the students enter their first Class Trial, everyone is still alive. Things happen and the Mastermind is revealed to be Jin Kirigiri because he would’ve made so much more sense than Junko, and if a single persona asks me to elaborate I will.

Everyone makes it out alive, and this tremendous victory is shown to be a beacon of Hope to the rest of the world. The Future Foundation is established, with far more power behind it this time, and Hope’s Peak is turned into a proper sanctuary for people who haven’t yet fallen into despair.

Bing Bang Boom everybody’s alive and the world is healing you’re welcome everybody.

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kentuckyfriedsatan · 15 days

Text

…and we are proud.

Summary: Part 3 of exploring asexual Mountain.

Mountain decides to come out to Dewdrop. How will the fire ghoul react?

Slight angst, no smut

Read it below the cut!

“Can I maybe talk with you real quick, Dew?” Mountain asks shyly.

“Yeah of course Mount! Do you want to go to one of our rooms?”

Mountain nods and gives him a small smile, trying to conceal his nervousness. He was awake all night, thinking about how to come out to the rest of his pack. Even though he knows they won’t hate him after his confession, the uncertainty about the status of their relationship is weighing down on him. Sure Aether is supportive 100% and still loves him, but he is not so sure about the rest of the pack though, especially the little fire ghoul. That’s why he decided to tell Dewdrop first, to get the heartbreak out of the way. Mountain feels guilty for assuming that Dew will not pursue a romantic relationship with him after he knows, but he just can’t imagine that the hyper sexual ghoul would be fine with not having sex with his lover.

They arrive at Mountains room and they let themselves in. Dew flops onto the bed, like he feels at home…probably because he spends so much time here anyways, but Mountain keeps standing, shifting from foot to foot nervously.

“What is going on Mount? You’re normally not nervous like that…Is it me? Did I go to far that evening when I teased you? Shit I’m so sorry for that! I won’t do anything I promise.” The small ghoul says in a haste while placing himself in the corner of the big bed.”

“No Dew, that’s not exactly it…”

Dewdrop looks up at him questioning.

“I have to tell you something, it’s something I found out about myself on that evening when Aether came to my room.” Mountain continues.

“And I don’t want to lie to you, I am scared of your reaction.”

Dewdrop stands up, but keeps his distance as not to invade Mountains space.

“Mount you can tell me anything, you know that! I won’t do anything… you have to believe me.” Dew says with a small voice.

“It’s not that I am scared of you, I am scared of what it will mean for us and our relationship.”

“Okay, but I love you Mountain. I don’t think there is anything that could change that.”

Tears well up in Mountains eyes, he isn’t so sure about that. He takes a deep breath in and let’s it out:

“Dewdrop, I found out that I am asexual.”

He didn’t expect the fire ghoul to know what that term means so he continues:

“That means that I don’t want to have sex. I don’t have a desire to do it, I don’t feel sexual attraction to anyone and sometimes the idea of imagining me in a sexual situations makes me sick.” He makes himself seem smaller, scared of what will happen now.

Dewdrop breaths out with relief. Wait a second…with relief?

“Thank you for telling me… Mount can I hug you?”

He is overwhelmed and confused. What is going on? Why is Dew not disappointed? He nods and lets himself be pulled into a hug, the fire ghoul clinging desperately to him.

Dewdrop whispers into his chest:” I though you were going to break up with me.”

“I love you Dewdrop, I would never, but won’t you want to end our relationship now that you know? I mean it when I say that there will probably never be any sex between us.”

“If it means that I won’t loose you, I will never have sex again if I have to.”

“You don’t mean that! You love sex!”

“And I love you more! Don’t you get it? Who says that Love without sex can’t exist?”

Mountain has to smile at that.

“That’s what Aether said as well.”

“Smart man.” Dew comments.

“But to come back to the topic at hand, I don’t want for you and the whole pack to not have sex, you understand that, do you? You can have as much as you’d like with each other, just not me.

I do want to have a romantic relationship with you though. I want to kiss you, cuddle you and be intimate with you, just without sex. I want to be your equal partner, like the others are to you. If you don’t think you can have us all on the same level, then I can’t take it and we should just let it be.”

Even though his voice is trembling, Mountain is proud for setting his boundaries and expectations so clear. Aether had helped him a lot with that. He doesn’t want to be disappointed in the end when his partner realises that he can’t handle such a relationship with him, that he thought it was just a phase.

“Yes of course, I understand that. I would like to have you as my partner, my love. There will be no difference in the deepness of our relationship with my partners I have sex with and with you. I promise. I know that we can do this!”

This is going better than Mountain could have ever imagined, Dew still loves him and wants a relationship without sex.

His adrenaline is crashing now and he hast to steady himself on his partner’s shoulder.

“Whooow, hey Mounty, let’s go the bed again.” The fire ghouls says to the shaky earth ghoul.

“Are you alright?” Dewdrop asks concerned.

“Yes I’m fine, sorry. I’m just so relived, I was stressing out about telling you because I thought you would break up with me, if you hear that there will be no sex.”

The fire ghoul takes a breath to interject, but Mountain doesn’t let him.

“And I know that that’s not fair to you, because I know that there are more important things for you than sex all the time…but sometimes when I’m feeling low, I think about all the times you talked about sex and suddenly I have the feeling that I should do more for you, you know?”

“No no, don’t say something like that. You don’t have do do anything you don’t want to just to please me. If, and it’s a big if, we ever sleep together, it’s because you want it too. And if that time never comes then so be it, I love you still and you are more than enough.”

Full of adoration, Mountain looks at his partner and reaches out to him. They end up tangled into each other, trying to get as close to the person they love as possible. Tears flow freely from Mountains green eyes, the stress, self doubt and self hatred flowing out of him. There are even some tears in Dewdrops eyes, but he will deny it vehemently if asked.

It’s not like this fixes everything, but with his pack on his side, everything definitely seems more manageable.

#the band ghost #ghost band #nameless ghouls #asexual #asexuality #mountain/dew #everyone/everyone #fanfic #ficlet #mountain ghoul #dewdrop ghoul #coming out

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a-small-batch-of-dragons · 1 year

Text

Homophobia feat. Queer Teacher Alliance

Prompts: hi, sorry if requests aren’t open, but you wrote a fic called Homphobia feat. A Two Hour Math Test and it’s honestly been one of my comfort fics, and I wanted to request something kind of similar? A human au where one of the sides (preferably patton but you can do whichever character you want!) accidentally outs himself while arguing with a homophobic teacher about LGBTQ stuff and starts getting bullied for it by the students and the teacher. The other sides (actually good teachers) find him having a breakdown and comfort him and stand up for him against the other teacher, and it’s just emotional hurt/comfort and validation all around. Absolutely no pressure to do this if you don’t want to/it’s too similar to the other one /gen! wishing you a lovely day :D - anon

hello there! first not-anon fic request so I'm kind of panicking a little but it's fine!! anyway, I've recently reread Homophobia feat. a 2-hour Math Test, and it's been really comforting for a person who grew up and went to school in a very rural part of America (eugh republicans everywhere). I was wondering if you would be willing to write another work in that realm of Virgil suddenly having this insanely elaborate (insanely gay) support system that he didn't think was possible. or him turn table-ing on that support system and helping them with their problems. idk just something I've been thinking about! love ur stuff and I hope you'll take my request into consideration!! <3 - vinnbee631

Read on Ao3

Warnings: homophobic language, outing, panic attacks/anxiety attacks

Pairings: gen

Word Count: 5851

Listen, all high school days suck, this one was just shaping up to suck more than literally all of the other ones ever. Namely, he was stuck in a class where not only was there a homophobic argument going on—as in, both sides are being homophobic and just debating on how best to be homophobic—but the teacher is doing literally fucking nothing to stop them.

Okay, first off? There’s actually nothing wrong with not being straight. Big mind shock there to some people apparently, but yeah, nope. Nothing wrong with not wanting to get into a relationship or have sex with the opposite gender.

Second, there’s no curing it because there’s nothing wrong with not being straight. There aren’t some fucking factory settings you can just reset to default and everything’s all heterosexual and cisgender again.

And third, there’s never a good reason to be using slurs in a classroom. Never.

All things that Virgil would love to say out loud but he’s currently seething a bit too much at no one else saying a goddamn thing. Especially the teacher. Come on, the teacher is supposed to be the one educating everyone, that includes educating bigots on their ignorance so they can, you know, not be ignorant and bigoted anymore? Ring any bells literally at all?

Apparently not because it’s been ten fucking minutes of this shit and the teacher hasn’t even so much as blinked.

Eventually, Virgil gets fucking sick of this—fair—and raises his hand to ask to go to the bathroom. Which is another stupid thing about high school because why in the fuck should I have to ask to go to the bathroom? What else am I gonna do, fucking piss myself in the middle of the classroom? Hell no.

The teacher waves offhandedly and he gets up to go, but not before one of them catches sight of him leaving and decides, like an idiot, to try and involve him in the conversation.

“Hey, Virgil! Virgil, you think I’m right, don’t you?”

“Uh, I haven’t super been paying attention.” Which is true.

“Where’re you going? Class isn’t over yet.”

Oh, don’t I know it. “Bathroom.”

“You’re not going to meet up with someone for, y’know, reasons are you?”

There are somehow more discreet and much better ways to ask if someone in your high school class is going to hook up with someone in the bathroom, and Virgil would prefer hearing literally any of them right now.

“Oh my god, Kyle, you can’t just say something like that.”

Thank you, other homophobe.

“Besides, Virgil would never be gay. He’s a good person!”

Okay, back to fuck you, other homophobe.

“You can’t just blame sexuality on morality! You can’t just automatically assume all bad people are going to be gay or that all good people aren’t gay!”

That on its own as a sentence? Fine. Sure. Whatever. In the context of this conversation? Virgil really wants to throw a desk at Kyle’s head. He tries to just continue out of the classroom, but Kyle catches him by the sleeve and he grits his teeth.

“Dude, seriously I’m just trying to use the bathroom. Lemme go.”

“Wait, wait, hold on, you gotta convince Leslie that I’m right.”

Virgil doesn’t have to do shit.

“Look,” Leslie says like she’s talking to a person incapable of understanding any sort of logic, “if you make bad choices, you just have to recognize why they’re bad and then you’ll come to your senses enough not to do it anymore. If you just give someone the space and support they need to understand why the choices they’re making are bad for them, they’ll realize that they need to stop making those choices.”

“You do realize that most of them don’t give a shit about what’s good or bad, right? They like it, they enjoy it, they’re not gonna want to change. You can’t just make someone change their sexuality, that’s not how it works.”

Again, single sentences by itself? Fine. Hell, Virgil might say something similar. But right now? The way it’s being used? Kyle’s face really looks like it needs a desk in it right now.

“Virgil, you agree with me, right?”

No, Leslie, I sure the fuck don’t.

“If gay people would just…understand that their lifestyle is unsustainable and unsatisfying, they wouldn’t be gay anymore. It’s the same with alcohol and drugs and all that stuff. If you understand why it’s bad for you, you won’t do it anymore.”

Virgil blinks once. Twice.

You ever just…need a moment to process how much stupid someone just said to you? Like you need to take a second to look at the massive suitcase in front of you before deciding it’s too much to unpack and just throwing it all in the dumpster?

“That’s the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard,” Kyle says—which is fair— “gay people are criminals. They’re breaking the law and they should be punished for it,” which is not fair.

“Actually,” Virgil says, still trying to tug his sleeve away, “it is legal now. Gay marriage is legal, Kyle.”

“Yeah, but so was slavery at one point. Doesn’t make it right.”

“Did you just compare gay marriage to slavery and think it was a good comparison?”

Kyle waves his hand like that just dismisses Virgil’s very good point about false equivalence. “And it’s against religious law too.”

“You do realize that we live in a secular state, right?”

“What’s that mean?”

“There’s a separation of church and state. Religion doesn’t govern, it doesn’t make the laws. We have religious freedom for a reason. And there are plenty of other religions in the country that—“

“Okay, okay, but like, it’s still wrong.”

“Why?”

Kyle looks at him strangely. “Dude, why are you so upset?”

“I dunno, maybe because both of you are being idiots? There’s nothing wrong with being gay!”

“There’s nothing wrong with people who are gay, no,” Leslie says quickly, as if he’s agreeing with her, “but if they made better choices then—“

“You’re wrong too,” Virgil says, “being gay isn’t a choice. You don’t just wake up and choose to be gay.”

“Hah! See?”

“I’m not agreeing with either of you, you’re both wrong. Now I really need to pee so if you’ll excuse me—“

“Dude, just tell us why you’re so upset about this and we’ll—“

He sees the moment Kyle’s eyes widen and his sleeve is let go like it’s gonna burn him.

“No,” he says, shaking his head, “no, no, no, you can’t be, we’ve—we’ve shared a locker room, there’s no way.”

“What are you talking about, Kyle? I told you, there’s no way Virgil’s gay, he’s a good person.”

“What part of sexuality isn’t morality did you not get,” Kyle hisses, “he’s—oh my god, I’m gonna throw up.”

“Virgil, just tell him you’re not gay.” Leslie looks up at him. “You’re not, right? You’re not gay, are you?”

Now, see, here’s what Virgil should do. He should just shake his head and tell them they’re both fucking idiots and go to the bathroom. He should be like ‘that’s none of your goddamn business’ and leave. Hell, maybe he should just say that no, he’s not gay, so they’ll let him get out.

He doesn’t do any of those things. He just stands there.

“Oh goodness,” Leslie mumbles like she’s about to faint, “no, no, Virgil, you can’t.”

“Get the hell away from me,” Kyle spits, shoving himself into another chair, “get your goddamn hands off me.”

“You grabbed me,” Virgil points out, “I was just trying to leave.”

“Virgil, Virgil, sit down—“

“Don’t fucking tell him to sit down! I don’t want that anywhere near me!”

“Excuse me,” the teacher says, finally, like he’s just pulled his head out of his goddamned ass, “you three need to be quiet. Virgil, if you’re going to the bathroom, go.”

“Go and don’t come back,” Kyle spits, “I don’t want any of your gay shit near me.”

See, now, Virgil expects the teacher to, you know, maybe tell him off for swearing, at least?

“…Kyle, it’s not nice to be throwing around accusations like that.”

“It’s not an accusation if it’s true!”

The teacher looks up at Virgil. Virgil looks back at him.

Come on, man, just…just don’t be a piece of shit.

“…Virgil, when you return, why don’t you and I take a walk down to the counselor’s office so we can discuss your…mental health. I understand that high school is a very challenging time—“

Virgil tunes out the rest of whatever the fuck the teacher is spouting because oh my fucking god. He turns around and flees to the safety of the hallway.

Fucking go. Doesn’t matter where just fucking get the fuck out of this place and away from those assholes before you die.

His heart is fucking pounding and he wants to slam his head into the wall until he gets their stupid fucking voices out of his head and he hates this, he hates this.

He doesn’t know where his feet are taking him but a chill breeze tells him he’s near the east wing. The science classrooms and art classrooms are over here. They keep the windows open for the fumes. Right. That’s where he is. That’s all the way on the other side of the school. Great. Fun. This is fine.

He sinks into a crouch near one of the corners out of sight of the rest of the hallway. His lungs still aren’t cooperating. This is fine. This is fine. This is fine.

He curls himself into a ball. He pulls his hoodie tightly around him. He yanks on the strings until he can feel the hood digging into his head.

If he just stays here, if he stays a little bad where no one can find him, he’ll be safe.

“Whoa, hey, pretty sure you can’t be here, bud.”

Nope. No more teachers. He’s just gonna stay still and not move.

“C’mon, you don’t want detention, I don’t wanna write you up, let’s just get you back to where you need to go, okay?”

There’s a hand on his shoulder that’s trying to get him to look up and Virgil doesn’t care anymore, he’d rather be in detention than go back to his class right now.

“Hey, it’s—wait, V?”

That’s Mr. Dagenheart, isn’t it? He’s the art teacher, right. Okay. Probably not gonna get dragged off to the principal right away.

“V, can you look at me?”

Virgil peels himself up from where his face is plastered in his knees and stares up at Mr. Dagenheart. There’s a green streak across his mustache.

“You…got paint,” he mumbles in a ruined voice, raising a trembling hand to tap his upper lip.

Mr. Dagenheart just stares down at him. “V, you look awful.”

“…’anks.”

“No, wait, what happened? C’mon, come up off the floor, it’s even grosser than me. C’mere, come in here, come talk to me.”

Virgil lets himself get scraped off the floor and helped into the art room, sat on a stool as Mr. Dagenheart blusters around trying to find a cup that hasn’t got paint or paint thinner in it. Eventually there’s a clean plastic cup shoved gently into his hands as he tries to get the shaking back under control.

“Drink up, it’s safe. Promise. Got a fresh one just for you.”

“Thanks.”

Mr. Dagenheart watches as he drains the cup, quickly filling it up with more and setting it on the table. “Now, why don’t you tell me what you’re doing all the way over here? I’m not supposed to catch sight of you until after lunch when you and your other gremlins go bother Mackenzie next door.”

“I, um…”

How in the fuck is he supposed to explain what just happened?

“…I was trying to go to the bathroom.”

“Bathroom ain’t over her, V.”

“I know.”

“Did you get lost? Did you have a panic attack?”

“…kind of?”

Mr. Dagenheart nudges him gently. “I’m only gonna be able to do so much if you don’t tell me what’s going on, V.”

Virgil toys with the plastic cup, one of the edges almost tearing under his fingers. “I’m…I’m not bad, am I?”

“Are you bad? Whoa, hey, no, no, no, I didn’t mean it like that,” he says quickly, reaching out to put a hand on Virgil’s shoulder, “I just…you just surprised me, that’s all. No, V, you’re not bad.”

“I’m not a bad person?”

Mr. Dagenheart frowns but shakes his head. “No, Virgil, you’re not a bad person. Why are you asking me that?”

“E-even if I’m…if I’m gay?”

Silence.

Fuck. I fucked it up. I fucked it up so bad and now I’m gonna have to run again.

“Virgil,” Mr. Dagenheart says, looking more serious than he’s ever seen him before, “you are not a bad person. You are not a bad person, do you hear me? It doesn’t matter what your sexuality is, you are not a bad person. Being gay does not make you a bad person, you understand?”

Virgil just nods, a bit dazed by the sudden intensity.

“Can you say that with me?”

“Being gay d-doesn’t make me a bad person,” Virgil stammers, “but—“

“No buts, V. Being gay doesn’t make you a bad person.”

“It doesn’t?”

“No, Virgil. Being gay isn’t bad. It’s just gay. Nothing wrong with being gay. Promise.”

And to his absolute horror, Virgil sniffles.

“Oh, hey, c’mere, come gimme a hug. Oh, hey…” Mr. Dagenheart gathers him in for a gross and messy hug and it’s the best thing that’s happened to Virgil all day. “There, that’s better, right?”

“‘M sorry for—for crying you.”

“Hey, it’s my job to be gross, I don’t care.” He pulls back and pushes the cup of water at him. “Drink. I’ll get you a tissue.”

One tissue box and several cups of water later, Virgil rubs his eyes and takes a deep breath. Mr. Dagenheart watches him carefully, nodding when Virgil glances over at him.

“Did someone say something to you? Is that why—“ he waves a hand at Virgil’s general messiness— “this happened?”

“…yeah.”

“Can I call your homeroom teacher? He should know about it.”

“W-wait, what?”

“Virgil, if someone’s being openly homophobic, I need to tell someone. Especially since it led to you getting hurt.”

“B-but I’m fine.” Mr. Dagenheart gives him a look. “…do you really have to tell him?”

“I should,” he says, softer now, “but we can wait a bit if you’d rather do that.”

Virgil toys with the strings on his hoodie. “…you can tell him.”

“Thanks.” Mr. Dagenheart picks up the phone and dials a number. “Mr. Everheart? Patton, yeah, listen, can you come down to my room? Need to talk to you about something. Okay, great.”

He hangs up the phone and turns back to Virgil.

“He’ll be down in a moment.”

“And he—“ god, this is such a stupid question— “he’ll be—he’ll be fine?”

Mr. Dagenheart rests a hand on his shoulder again. “Yeah, V. He’s gonna be on your side about all this, I promise.”

Virgil nods, his eyes on the door.

“Hey.” Mr. Dagenheart nudges him. “I’m really proud of you, okay? Coming out is really hard, especially when it’s like this. Thank you for being willing to share this with me.”

“…didn’t feel fair not to?”

Mr. Dagenheart shakes his head. “It’s your life, Virgil. Your moment. Your coming out. There’s no shame in staying in the closet if it isn’t safe to be out of it.”

“R-really?”

“Really.”

A few seconds later, there’s a knock on the door, swinging open to reveal a concerned-looking Mr. Everheart who only grows more concerned when he sees Virgil sitting there, very obviously have-been-crying.

“Virgil? What’s going on, are you alright?”

“Yeah, yeah, ‘m fine, I just—“ goddamnit, why is your soft concern making me cry again— “I jus’—I—“

“Hey, it’s alright, kiddo, you take your time.” Mr. Everheart rubs his back as he glances up, watching Mr. Dagenheart push more water toward him. “What happened? Panic attack?”

“Do you want me to tell him,” Mr. Dagenheart asks quietly, “or do you want to?”

Virgil shuffles, pulling his hoodie a bit tighter around his shoulders refusing to meet their gazes.

“Got outed during a homophonic argument,” he mumbles, “went…bad.”

“Oh, kiddo, I’m so sorry that happened. Are you okay?” Virgil just shrugs. “Yeah, well, I suppose that’s fair.”

“Better now.”

“I’m glad.”

“…do I still have to go back to class?”

“No,” Mr. Dagenheart says just as Mr. Everheart says, “goodness, no.”

“Yay.”

“It’s almost lunch, anyway,” Mr. Everheart continues, glancing at the clock, “if Mr. Dagenheart doesn’t mind us invading his classroom a little longer…”

“God no. Stay all you want. I don’t have anyone in here until last period.”

“Thanks.”

He pats Virgil’s shoulder. “’Course. Do you want to get your lunch? You hungry?”

“Not really. ‘M fine.”

“You should try and eat something,” Mr. Everheart encourages, “just to keep your strength up.”

“Maybe later.”

“Alright, later it is, then.”

Virgil has a sneaking suspicion he’s gonna get held to that.

“Who was it,” Mr. Everheart continues, “that was involved?”

“…um…”

“I get not being a snitch,” Mr. Dagenheart says, “but these people are using homophobic language on campus and they’re bullying you. That’s not acceptable, Virgil.”

“No, it’s not. And I can’t let it happen. Especially if they start doing it more.”

Virgil chews his lip. “K-Kyle and Leslie,” he mumbles, “a-and…”

“And…?” Mr. Everheart prompts. “I can keep your name out of it, if that’ll make you feel better.”

“…the, um…the teacher kinda…joined in too.”

“He did fucking what?”

“Remus,” Mr. Everheart hisses even though the hand on Virgil’s shoulder has tightened significantly, “language.”

“I’m not gonna give a shit about language if I’m getting told one of my colleagues is being homophobic,” Mr. Dagenheart seethes, “especially to a student!”

“Guys,” Virgil says a bit desperately, “it’s not—“

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence, Virgil. This is a big deal and it’s not okay.”

“He’s right,” Mr. Everheart says, “this is unacceptable, Virgil.”

He gentles a bit when he sees how obviously upset Virgil is about all of this.

“Hey,” he says, rubbing his back again, “thank you for telling us. We’re not going to bring your name into it when we take it up with the Dean, but you know we can’t let this happen again, right?”

Virgil nods, feeling tears well up behind his eyes again as he fiddles with the empty plastic cup. Mr. Everheart makes a sympathetic noise.

“Do you want a hug?”

“…sure.”

Why does he give such good hugs? This isn’t fair. I’m just gonna cry again. Nope, no more crying over those assholes, they don’t deserve it.

“There’s another sink in the back,” Mr. Dagenheart suggests, taking the now-mangled cup from him, “it’s cleaner. There are towels back there too, clean ones. Why don’t you go wash your face off? It might feel better.”

“O-okay.” He glances up with a watery smile. “Are you gonna wash the paint off too?”

“I think I like it, actually. Makes my face look more interesting.”

Virgil manages a laugh as he heads to the back room, listening to the two of them start talking quietly. Okay. Okay, this is fine. This actually turned out…kind of okay. Mr. Dagenheart seems pissed but not at him and Mr. Everheart seems like he wants to help and not make a big deal out of it. Good. These are both good things. He can work with this. Everything might actually turn out okay.

He turns on the tap and shoves up his sleeves, splashing the cold water on his face and dabbing it off with a towel. He’s just about to hang it back over the rail when he hears the door open again.

“There you are, I thought we’d have to search the whole building for you!”

“He left a note saying he’d be down here, it wasn’t exactly a stellar deduction.”

“Mm, and we all know who the expert at those is.”

Nope. Nevermind. He takes it back. This is not okay. This is very much no okay. No okays here.

He knows who just walked in.

That was Mr. Prince, Mr. Mackenzie, and Mr. DeLuca. Shit.

What in the fuck are they all doing here? Do they all meet up for lunch or some shit? Fuck, that’s exactly what’s going on, isn’t it? They’re all here for their lunch break and that means Virgil’s gonna have to find somewhere else to hide for the rest of the day and shit, he’s not gonna be able to make it out of this room without anyone noticing, is he?

Fuck, why did it have to be them?

‘Cause Mr. Prince is gonna wanna know exactly what’s going on and he’s—god, extra doesn’t even begin to cover it and he may or may not be part of the reason Virgil realized he was gay in the first place, how in the fuck is he supposed to explain what’s going on?

And Mr. Mackenzie is super fucking serious and no-laughing all the time, he’s not gonna react well to Virgil being all emotional and crying and being upset about things, not when he’s got work to do and he has his class later, fuck.

And Mr. DeLuca is fucking scary. Fuck, he’s given Virgil panic attacks before, he fucking eats students alive if they try and pull dramatics in his classroom, he’s so fucked.

“What are you doing here, anyway? Normally, we’re the ones who come to meet you.”

Don’t tell them I’m here. Please, for the love of god, don’t tell them.

“I got called down,” Mr. Everheart says, “Remus wanted to talk about something.”

“Oh?” Mr. Prince must pull out a stool or something. “Do tell.”

No. Don’t tell. Don’t say shit.

“Whatever it is, surely it can wait until we’re at lunch,” Mr. DeLuca says smoothly—yes, please, leave so I can run out of here— “now, if you don’t mind, shall we?”

“Gimme a second.”

Virgil has about two seconds before Mr. Dagenheart appears around the corner and shuts the door to the back room, coming over and taking the towel from his hands.

“Hey,” he says quietly, “look at me, Virgil.”

The others are still here. They could hear him.

“Hey.” Virgil’s eyes snap to his. “There. Good. Can you take a deep breath for me?”

Breathing is stupid.

“Come on, in and out, you can do it.”

He can hear them talking through the door. Did Mr. Everheart just say there’s a student back there? Shit, he did. They’re talking about it now. Fuck, why did they have to talk about it?

“Virgil,” Mr. Dagenheart says firmly, “you’re panicking. Come on, just focus on me. Breathe in…”

Slowly, Virgil lets him walk him through a breathing exercise, squeezing his hands to make sure he can still move them and everything. But Virgil can still hear the others talking so his gaze keeps darting to the side and eventually Mr. Dagenheart asks if he wants them kicked out.

“N-no, you’ve—you have lunch plans—“

“You’re more important than my damn lunch plans, Virgil, now do you want me to kick them out?”

“…can you just make them be quiet?”

And of course he goes right over to the door, throws it open, and yells: “all of you shut the fuck up, you’re making it worse.”

“That is not what I meant,” Virgil hisses when he comes back over looking way too pleased with himself.

“Yeah, but I don’t get enough excuses to do that anyway. Now,” he says, reaching out to take his shoulders, “you doing okay? If you wanna hide in here for the rest of the day that’s fine with me, we just gotta get some food in you first.”

As appealing as it sounds, it does smell like paint fumes in here and Virgil’s few remaining braincells would appreciate not being murdered.

“Okay,” is the response he gets when he says as much—slightly edited, thank you— “do you wanna come back to the front now? You don’t have to tell ‘em anything, but they are gonna ask you what’s wrong.”

“Why?”

“Aside from the fact that you’ve kinda obviously been having a panic attack—“ rude but okay— “they’re gonna care, Virgil. And they’ll be on your side too, okay?”

“…they will?”

“Yeah, V. Promise they will.”

“How obvious is it that I’ve been crying?”

“…listen I’m not a very good liar, V, but you do look okay.”

Virgil glances around for anything that might be vaguely a mirror and gives up, pulling his hoodie down to cover his shaking hands and following Mr. Dagenheart back to the front of the art room.

As soon as he gets through the doorway and feels all of the eyes looking at him, though, he wants to shrivel up and disappear.

“Virgil?” Oh, hey, Mr. Prince, what’s going on? “Virgil, is that you? Are you alright?”

No, as a matter of fact, I am most certainly not. “…yeah.”

“You don’t have to lie to us, Virgil,” comes Mr. DeLuca’s voice and Virgil isn’t quick enough to stop his flinch.

“What’s happened,” Mr. Prince asks as really fucking warm hands land on his shoulders and steer him to a stool, “what’s wrong?”

“Let’s not overwhelm him,” he hears Mr. Dageheart hiss, “c’mon, Ro, don’t be an idiot.”

“Oh, y’know,” Virgil tries, aiming for casual nihilism and missing by a few major philosophical paradigm shifts, “getting homophobic comments hurled at me, trying not to have an existential breakdown, just your every day high school things.”

“Someone was using homophobic language to bully you?” Mr. Prince’s grip suddenly tightens on his shoulder. “Did they out you as well?”

“…kinda outed myself by accident, but…”

“No, Virgil that’s not—look at me.”

He looks up because he’s a fucking idiot and sees Mr. Prince staring at him all soft and concerned and he is going to die, this is how.

“Do not ever blame yourself for other people’s ignorance,” he says firmly, holding eye contact, “you are not to blame for their shortcomings and it is not your job to make them understand just how little they know. That’s not your responsibility nor should you feel like it is.”

“…okay.”

“He’s right,” Mr. DeLuca says and since fucking when has he been that soft, “don’t spend your time trying to make other people better, it’s a thankless job with no reward.”

“…aren’t you a teacher?”

“I said better, not smarter.” But then he’s reaching over and carefully pulling Virgil’s collar away from his neck so it doesn’t choke him, and he’s still looking at him with a soft expression and Virgil is really confused, because why is Mr. DeLuca not skinning him alive right now, “Virgil, look at me.”

The concern is getting stronger, he can see it.

“Hey,” he says and how is his voice getting softer, “hey, what’s the matter? What’s scaring you right now?”

“I believe we are.”

Mr. Mackenzie, always there with the great observation skills. No wonder he’s a science teacher.

“Give him some space,” he says, and sure enough everyone except Mr. Prince backs up a little, “let him breathe.”

“Hey,” Mr. Prince murmurs, still rubbing Virgil’s back, “it’s okay. We’re right here. You just take your time, okay? No rush.”

Fuck it. I just got outed, had homophobic insults hurled at me, and I’m currently in the middle of a bunch of mental breakdowns. I’m allowed to be a mess.

Virgil buries his face in his hands and takes several heaving breaths, trying to focus more on the faint waxy smell of oil pastels and the warmth of the hand between his shoulders. There are a few quiet murmurs around him but other than that, he’s given the space he needs to process what’s going on.

When he finally raises his head, it’s to a tissue box and another cup of water, both of which he accepts gratefully and tries to be a bit more of a person. When he’s gotten as far as he’s gonna get with that, Mr. Prince ruffles his hair and smiles at him.

Not now, gay panic. Please for the love of fuck not now.

“Virgil,” Mr. Mackenzie says, also speaking softly, what the fuck is this, “aside from my class, what else do you have this afternoon?”

“Uh…a study period.”

“Are any of you free this last period?”

“I am,” Mr. DeLuca says, “I’ve got one class and that’s it.”

“I would not be opposed to you skipping class today,” and what in the actual good fuck is happening, who are you and what have you done with my science teacher, “considering this is just to be a recap mainly for students who failed coursework for the last week and your scores were exemplary.”

“I—uh—what?”

“He’s saying there’s no reason for you to sit next to homophobes if you don’t want to,” Mr. Dagenheart says, “and so you can spend the first period here with me—if you want, and then Janus’ll take you for the second one.”

“Or we can go see Dr. Picani and see if he’ll write you a note to let you go early.”

Hold on. Back up.

Slow down.

“What’s going on?”

“You’ve just been through a traumatizing experience,” Mr. Mackenzie says, “and therefore are not in an opportune place to learn or benefit in any way from school. The solution I’m proposing is that you spend the rest of the day away from any of the students who could harm you further, be that spending time with Mr. Dagenheart and Mr. DeLuca, or by being excused for the rest of the day.”

Virgil blinks. Okay, yeah, that makes sense, but… “Why?”

“Because your well-being should come before your academics.” He tilts his head when Virgil stares at him like he’s grown two. “What’s that look for?”

“I dunno,” he says warily, “something about one teacher being homophobic and then a whole bunch of them being weirdly out-of-character supportive.”

“A teacher was part of this?”

“Name, Virgil,” Mr. DeLuca says firmly, “now.”

“Don’t scare him,” Mr. Mackenzie chides, seemingly focusing on the second part of that, “Virgil, if we have behaved or acted in any sort of way to make you believe that we would not support you for something like this, we deeply apologize.”

“It’s our job to make students feel like they have a safe learning environment,” Mr. Everheart says—right, he’s here too.

“Though I do want to know the teacher’s name,” Mr. Prince adds.

“…why are you guys doing this?”

Mr. Prince looks at him for a second, before a small smile comes to his face. “Raise your hand if you’re gay.”

Virgil’s eyes widen as every single one of their hands goes up.

“Virgil,” he prompts gently, “did you hear me?”

“Do not pressure someone to come out,” Mr. Dagenheart hisses, “what is wrong with you, Ro?”

“Right, right, sorry.”

“N-no, no, I—“ Virgil slowly raises his hand too— “I got it.”

“See?” Mr. Mackenzie smiles. “We’re with you, Virgil.”

“And whoever that teacher is,” Mr. DeLuca says in his scary voice, “he most certainly will be taught a lesson of his own.”

The cheesy villain line makes Virgil snort as he lowers his hand. “Thanks, guys.”

“Think nothing of it.” Mr. Dagenheart taps the table. “Now, I need food and I’m pretty sure everyone else does too.”

“Virgil, did you bring a lunch?”

“…nope.”

“Great, what’s your favorite kind of pizza?”

“My what now?”

“Thursday is pizza day,” Mr. Prince says by way of explanation as Mr. Mackenzie starts typing on his phone, “and it’s not my week to pay.”

“Excuse you?”

“No, I looked at the calendar, I’m next week.”

“Are you sure?”

“Hey, no, wait, I paid last week, so it is Ro’s week.”

“It is not!”

Mr. DeLuca rolls his eyes fondly as the others dissolve into bickering, beckoning a baffled Virgil over to him. “Are you alright, now?”

“…still a bit confused and upset, but…yeah? I think so? I mean, pizza sounds good.”

“I mean it, Virgil,” Mr. DeLuca says, reaching out to ruffle his hair, “if anyone ever says something like that to you again, I don’t care who it is. You come and you tell one of us, do you understand?”

“Mhm.”

“Good.”

“You…you really don’t mind me being in your classroom at the end of the day?”

“Of course not, sweetie.”

What the fuck—why are petnames happening? Oh, shit, I’m crying again. Oh, fuck, that’s why. Shit.

“It’s going to be okay,” Mr. DeLuca murmurs as he slides the tissue box back over, “everything’s going to be okay.”

Maybe…maybe yeah. Maybe it will. Maybe this day won’t be so bad after all.

Maybe this day is going to be pizza with his cool gay teachers. Maybe it’s going to be spending one period helping Mr. Dagenheart go through some of the old artwork from long-graduated students to decide what to put up on the wall and what to toss. Maybe it’s going to be spending the other with Mr. DeLuca who is secretly a big dorky goofball who likes bad math puns and the same science fiction TV shows that Virgil does.

Maybe today’s gonna be okay.

General Taglist: @frxgprince@potereregina@gattonero17@iamhereforthegayshit@thefingergunsgirl@awkwardandanxiousfander@creative-lampd-liberties@djpurple3@winterswrandomness@sanders-sides-uncorrect-quotes@iminyourfandom@bullet-tothefeels@full-of-roman-angst-trash @ask-elsalvador @ramdomthingsfrommymind@demoniccheese83@pattonsandershugs @el-does-photography @princeanxious@firefinch-ember@fandomssaremysoul@im-an-anxious-wreck@crazy-multifandomfangirl @punk-academian-witch@enby-ralsei@unicornssunflowersandstuff@wildhorsewolf @thetruthaboutthesun @stubbornness-and-spite @princedarkandstormv @your-local-fookin-deadmeme @angels-and-dreams@averykedavra @a-ghostlight-for-roman @treasurechestininterweb @cricketanne @queerly-fluid-fan @compactdiscdraws@cecil-but-gayer@i-am-overly-complicated@annytheseal@alias290@tranquil-space-ninja @arxticandy @mychemically-imbalanced-romance @whyiask@crows-ace @emilythezeldafan@frida0043 @ieatspinalcords @snowyfires@cyanide-violence@oonagh2@xxpanic-at-the-everywherexx@rabbitsartcorner @percy-07734@triflingassailantofmyemotions @virgil-sanders-the-gay-emo@cerulean-watermelon@puffed-up-bees@meltheromanstan@joyrose-fandomer@insanitori@mavenmush@justablah65@10paradox10@uhhh-hi-there-i-am-nervous@cutebisexualmess@bella-bugatti-frogetti-baguetti

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#sanders sides #dragonbabbles #fic #virgil sanders #roman sanders #remus sanders #sympathetic remus #janus sanders #deceit sanders #sympathetic deceit #patton sanders #logan sanders

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beatsboy · 12 days

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4.14.24 @ 1:34

i don’t journal enough. especially given the fact that i don’t really have anyone in my life right now that i feel like i can go to for consistent support. there are people, and yet, i still feel like i have no one to talk to. i have decided in my head already that tb is the only one, that they’re the only person who will always be there for me, no matter what. because the other option is friends who simply aren’t very emotionally available. and i’m not always either, but i try to be for them, and i’ve also had a lot more therapy than most of the people around me. and even as the person who people ask for advice on communicating, i still can’t fucking communicate well. i feel like i fail in communicating every fucking day.

this entire week i have had incident after incident that has sent my nervous system into complete chaos and have had to figure it out and regulate/calm down myself. i suppose this is what all humans do, or what many of us do. figure our shit out on our own and then deal with it alone, and that is what i’m working on in weaning from a codependent relationship. i can’t believe it’s been almost a year since we broke up. i didn’t think it was the end back then.

and every time i tried to go to the people i think of as my support system, i felt, well, less than supported. i feel so blind in this entire process of releasing my first ep, most of the time i feel like i have no idea what i’m doing. i reach out to people with questions or help with things that come up, and then when i don’t hear back and make the call on my own in the moment, when my nervous system is on fire, i get criticized for not making the right call. it’s never the right choice. i’m pretty sure i upset everyone i communicated with this weekend. watching resident alien alongside this chaos has been quite the parallel. and being sick doesn’t help any of it.

mf is back to ignoring me, i guess. i know they have a lot going on, but i’ve barely heard from them since thursday when we last saw each other. i miss them, and i could really use some support right now emotionally, but it feels like there’s barely enough space to talk about the things happening in the now, the logistics, the important stuff. i don’t know why i can’t consider my emotional needs as important. i don’t know, i guess we’re not really there yet. they say they’re learning to be vulnerable, and i am proud of how far they’ve come. i just wish they would extend the same to me when i tried to be vulnerable. i stopped trying, i guess. i got frustrated, and hurt. so i sopped trying to make them the empathetic, receptive person i had in my head, and tried to just accept the person they are and where they’re at in life. i can’t expect them to be any older than they are, at the end of the day, they are 23, not 30.

i’m not going to lie, when they kissed me, i thought about it. what if we did date? but then, after they started dating a man who has everyone concerned, who they won’t even introduce their friends to, two days later, after i watched that relationship take off and swallow them whole with it, i saw how much i did not want that. i watched them disappear into a new relationship, days on end with barely any communication, still talking to their ex. i wish my therapist could talk to them, honestly. she would not take the bullshit they tell themself. i know they think what they’re saying is true, that those conversations don’t affect them, that they’re over it. i watched them cheat on him rather than tell him it was over. i told them that i thought sometimes when people frame us as something we are not, we sometimes become that thing out of spite. i don’t think it’s that, though, anymore. i think they do something fucked up at the end so it’s not his fault why it didn’t work. because that would be harder to admit. that that person just isn’t the love of your life. i think it’s easier for them to believe that it’s their fault than to let go. and i get that. i’ve been there too. i don’t take it personally, but i’m trying to be less involved with people’s life choices going forward, i suppose.

they kept saying how ready they were, and maybe they are ready to love again. i remember when i felt love again, with tb, after not feeling it for so long. i thought i would never feel that kind of passion, connection, intimacy, ever again. i understand. they are there now, though, and i am here. i am content with not chasing love if it means waiting for a partner who is where i’m at. who can communicate, who can be consistent, and who will not dive down the path of codependency at the first hit of dopamine. i can’t do that anymore. and maybe that’s why i can’t be with anyone right now, because i know that for me, it is still so fucking hard to be alone. i am this fucking close to calling tb to come take care of me while i’m sick—i won’t, though (they work tonight lol but jk i actually won’t). i want to, though, because my dog can’t take care of me, and she doesn’t talk back, and loneliness still crushes me every single night before i force myself to sleep.

that’s why i know that i can’t be in a relationship right now. that’s why i know i can’t even know if i want to be with tb. of course i do, now. i am lonely. when i can be content in my aloneness, i will know what i want. i can’t trust this feeling when i am still so afraid of being alone.

#deardiary #mine #ventpost #personal #adhd #audhd #autistic

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goldkirk · 2 years

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my goals for august:

• buy a mattress for the first time!!

• pick a bed if I have enough money this month

• get new legal documents

• report the problems from my psych admission in 2020 to the hospital even though it’s super late, so they just actually know. doesn’t matter if any of them care or change anything, just want to do it for me.

• listen to 8 new music artists on my catch-up list (1 is already done, Pearl Jam. Listening to Pink Floyd next)

• have someone forcibly go with me to the endodontist to get the over a year old root canal done and make them not tell me anything else about other teeth until that’s done so I don’t straight up leave and never come back

• learn what annual physicals are and find out if my new primary thinks if I actually should do them

• get a lot more post it notes and whiteboard stickers for notes to myself and just go ahead and put them everywhere for the moment

• get more than 38 hours of sleep every week for at least 3/4 weeks

• make a poster board that’s just the daily flow chart for work so I can stop trying to hold onto the three remaining shreds of that memory and just give up and use the external instructions for a while

• bake a congratulations for escaping a cult cake for myself and put sprinkles on it

• go to ONE group social event (or something like a museum group I guess) before it’s the end of the month. Have you considered a support group or hobby group ever in your life future me??? bc you should

• figure out strategies for food hoarding fixes and sort that shit out fast before it compounds too much in the new place

• avoid any and all thought pathways or questions about anything triggering during work hours like the plague, so I don’t pile on unnecessary spirals or flashbacks

• KEEP TAKING ALL THE MEDS EACH DAY JFC THEYRE EVEN IN A PILL BOX IT CANNOT POSSIBLY BE EASIER AND YET THERE ARE STILL SOME LEFT EVERY WEEK. PLEASE EXPLAIN, ME.

• stop. eating. so. many. brownies. stop. it’s not fun treating yo self anymore. it’s alarming. there WILL be brownies in the future the world will not stop having cosmic brownies for you to access I s2g me. i can see you have something to prove to yourself by compulsively buying and eating this very specific food that was like The snack food echoing through childhood. but like. Christ, dude. lay off the brownies. please for the love of everything. there is no way this is helping. there is no way you should be eating pre packaged processed snack desserts as often as this. i am literally begging you to make one pan of beans again. why in the world are you tired of beans they’re the only healthy thing you know how to cook HURRY UP AND GET UN-SICK OF THE BLACK BEANS AND STOP EATING COSMIC BROWNIES THIS IS JUST EMBARASSING, ME 😭

• try to do some beginner art tutorials from YouTube in sketchbook and on dollar store mini canvases

• get thank you letters sent that have been simmering in a sauce pan in the back of your head for months

• get pooh bear and the old glass lamp n stuff from the storage unit and finally put them in your apartment

• I have no idea how many things are in this list, sorry people, I’m on mobile and can’t put a read more so I’ll keep it short

• write a one sided index card explanation of why I’m not ready to talk to therapist for now that I can just hand someone if it’s suggested

• start making a poster board chart for various flavors of dissociation so I can pinpoint the right type faster and then just see the instruction for what’ll help and hopefully save time

• somehow make a physical copy and two more digital copies of the family event and situation records I’ve started keeping so I don’t just lose them someday if I get hacked or forget a password. consider sending a copy of what I have so far in a folder or mini binder and sending it to a safe relative for one more layer of protection

• talk to actual financial counselor about debts and about the right rate I should fill the safe-place-to-land money account for the niblings if I’ve only got 3-5 years max

• write a small script to tell the boss and my daily coworker a bare bones but honest short explanation of what I’m coming from and how it might affect my work for this coming year and to please let me know early if they start feeling like I’m slacking off or if I’m not as responsive and on top of things as I’m supposed to be, so we can all avoid frustration and repeated cycles of increasing boom-bust stress because of my current natural tendencies

• log things more often

• get physical sunlight on actual skin at least once every two days

• go outside for an Aoife walk at least twice a day even if it’s an ongoing fear response the whole time. No excuses. It shouldn’t matter if other people will think you’re weird, your dog needs walks. Also you need walks. Also you need people. You are like five days away from full agoraphobia and that’s gonna be a no from me dog. Sincerely, not quite agoraphobic but definitely never wanting to leave the building again past you

• Say nicer things to myself. I’ve gotten really, really mean, I haven’t been this cruel to myself in a few years and it needs to stop. If I catch a thought consciously, I’m going to attempt to build a habit of immediately having to say one nice statement too, related OR unrelated, that’s compassionate instead.

• catch up on four people or groups I’ve completely not responded to in ages without explanation and apologize before August is over. Four is better than 0, which it’ll be if I don’t ever actually just start somewhere and let myself keep being tired and afraid

• get a second tally clicker to track how many times this month I’m actually not scared or on edge

• test the phenomenon about my light sensitivity being shockingly super different on that one drug and jot some notes or a little log to bring up with doctor later if it’s helpful or if I have questions

• talk to someone to see a physical therapist for my left knee BEFORE it gets actually injured. Make this the first time you ever listen to the signs before something is actually wrong-wrong, figure me! come one you worked really hard to learn to start recognizing what sensations are supposed to mean “pain” rather than just “sensation type 16374” and you’re working really hard to actually pay attention to your body when it has a sensation that’s supposed to be pain. That’s a lot of new neural wiring, bring it all together by connecting it one more step to make a whole brand new highway next to the old one. You can do this. Do it please before this knee is properly fucked, you can’t bank on having several years before any bad injury, you know now that’s not how bodies work and you could just get out of bed wrong and tear it if you’re at just the wrong angle and level of strain, get on top of this and it’ll be sooooo good in a few months, I bet our knees AND feet and hips will ALL feel stronger and more fun to move on if you do!!!!

• go to that one free yoga session so I actually see some people living here and get social time

• practice ducking and hunching less when outside around people

• get a psychiatrist over here and get all my meds switched over

• go fishing with Margie again before her school starts and take her somewhere fun with me

• bake Margie a cake

• paint a cardinal picture for Aunt P

• start writing letters to G even if I’m not allowed to send them and write them for the other kids too and decorate a special box to keep them all in

#to do #oh no what else have I put in the to do tag lately I better check #personal

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lilyswh0re · 2 years

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matilda - terence higgs

date: august 5, 2022

summary: a love letter to his friends

notes: not romantic

warnings: child abuse

a/n: i’m gonna rant rq but i’ve been feeling horrible recently bc i found out the only cousin i’ve trusted told her mom when i came out as bi (effectively taking away the opportunity for me to come out to my mom on my own), my mom found out thro them that i was suicidal (again before i could reach out for help on my own terms). and they said how much they pity me and feel bad for me. i can’t help but feel betrayed and ridiculed and i’m just frustrated bc i’ve never felt supported by my mom’s side of the family or my dad’s

tags: @limerenze @loverssfevers @ghostofscarley @dayangestre

i didn’t know love until i arrived at hogwarts. i didn’t know care until a group of ruined kids, some more than others, most less than me, took me in. i didn’t know what it felt like to melt into another people.

adrian had a healthy home life. he had the family i always wanted. his parents showed each other affection; his mother had her hands hooked in the crook of her husband’s elbow and her head leaned into his shoulder. his sisters always giggling alongside him. at first it made me sick with jealousy because he had cousins to keep his secrets, to keep him, and i didn’t. at least i didn’t until i met him. i didn’t have someone to keep my heart and my soul warm while i slept and shivered. i didn’t have someone to bandage me when i pretended there was something in my eye but really i was wiping away tears.

marcus didn’t think he deserved the praise we gave him. we argued a lot, him and me. i refused to let him believe everything his old man would tell him. i didn’t realize until one fight we had in front of the whole team and he called me out, marcus was me and i was him. i diminished everything that happened to me, the good and the bad. marcus did what he had to do and he thought that he didn’t deserve anything to compensate for any trouble he might have come across.

miles showed me i can express myself any way i please. he never had an issue with self expression. i learned i don’t have to be mean to get what i wanted. (and i never did get what i wanted, i always felt empty.) miles rearranged me on his bedside table like a supermarket bouquet of flowers. he filled my empty space with baby breath, making the rose thorns in my ribs disappear. my finger nails are no longer jagged and hair doesn’t cover my face. i like my smile (with teeth). i finally like my smile.

derrick didn’t have a voice. he spoke and replied but they were never substantive words. he spoke slowly, in pauses. i later found out if he didn’t think about what he was going to say, his entire day could be ruined. he cried to me once that his mother always apologized for what she did and not what she said. he couldn’t care less than she yelled at him, but he couldn’t stop pressing the wound of being called useless when all he’s ever done is try to stay afloat for her and his siblings. his dad wasn’t not in the picture but he wasn’t fully out of it. “‘i’m sorry for yelling at you, baby,’ that’s what she told me,” he cried into his pillow after coming home from winter break, “i never accepted that apology but she went on the rest of the day acting like i forgave her.” he speaks faster now, more animated. i don’t know he helped me or i helped him. i don’t spit insults like i spit out my gum though.

lucian was a pretty boy. i was actively jealous of him. not because he had anyone he wanted falling to his feet. but because whenever he had a shit night, his shoulders pushed back and his chin stayed high. his afro stayed perfectly around in the off season, his braids were almost neat during the season. he helped miles build me up. i didn’t know it then but he felt the same pressure derrick felt. he had a deadly fear of failing. i didn’t think it was possible for him though.

warrington and montague were brutes, i think that’s why they liked each other more than the rest of us. they get it from their fathers. “i got this from a game of qudditch this summer.” warrington told us. it was a new bruise on the side of his ribs. montague didn’t come back with new bruises or scars, at least not ones we could see. summer before sixth year, his dad kicked him out. both of them got help. they’re doing better now. it took me a while to follow their lead. i know they changed me but while they don’t feel as though they are dragging through the mud, i did. they were able to get to a safer place, both physically and mentally. but i’m only a few meters away from where i started.

i never knew the loves of my life would be a group of nasty teenage boys. but after seven years, my knuckles have been bandaged after fights and my knees have been smoothed over, my heart and soul have been tucked into bed with a bedtime story, and the supermarket flowers were replaced with flowers from my garden.

#adrian pucey #terence higgs #slytherin quidditch team #marcus flint #miles bletchley #peregrine derrick #lucian bole #cassius warrington #graham montague

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imtherainbownow · 7 months

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I think I need help mentally

I’m warning everyone now, this is a post that will contain dark themes (mostly related to eating and mental issues), if you are sensitive to the topics, I advise you don’t read.

To keep things simple; My life is shit. Mentally at least.

Physically and externally my life couldn’t be more perfect. I have supporting parents. I go to a Great School. I have friends. I’ve got talents that can take me places. Ive got everything lined up for my success.

but mentally I am a disaster. Ive got such bad trauma from authority figures. Im scared to even defy my fucking teachers. Im scared of my aunt because she makes me feel so shitty. My aunt will pop up a lot in this because I see her as the main source of a shit ton of my issues

I cannot read or hear the word scu*c*de without having flashbacks. Even as I type this I’m trying not to hear her damn voice. Just screaming that word at me every time. It’s so loud..

My aunt judges me constantly for the littlest things. Like forgetting to pick up trash, forgetting to say thank you, not remembering if it’s my turn to empty the dishwasher, etc. She’s the main reason why I’ve contemplated going completely mute because she hates it when I talk and makes sure I know.

Recently she’s been nit-picking my eating habits. For almost two years I’ve been struggling to remember to eat at all because my adhd meds reduce my appetite so I just don’t eat lunch. Unfortunately it’s bled into other meals like breakfast and dinner.

Even remembering to eat is an accomplishment for me. In the current moment I don’t care if it’s healthy, I care that I remembered to put food in my body.

About a week ago she grumbled about me not eating “real” food and that I’m the reason we don’t have good snacks in our house. I’m about to cry as I type this. I doubt she thought I could hear her because I had headphones in, but nothing playing. I absolutely heard her.

I’ve told my mother so many times that I want her to move out but my mother won’t do shit. My mother’s been making my eating habits worse cause she won’t let me leave the house without eating at least something, but it’s only been discouraging me from eating. Nowadays even the thought of eating feels slightly sickening. Especially if I’m eating in front of my aunt.

I want nothing to do with her. But she lives with me and I can’t evict her. I’m so sick of this. My anxiety and adhd already make my daily life hard enough during school. And now I’m struggling to even fathom the thought of food because of my aunt. She’s made my life worse and she won’t accept that she can be a problem too. She only ever sees the flaws in me and my twin. Never in herself. I want to fight back but I’m so scared that she’ll yell at me again. That she’ll force me to sit back on the couch and yell in my face. I don’t want to relive that. I don’t know what to do anymore..

I just want help.. and I can’t get it. I don’t want to tell my therapist because he wont believe me. He’s already made it clear I can’t talk to him about my problems with speaking after a sensory overload or panic attack because It’s so exhausting to force myself to talk in a place I don’t feel safe. I don’t think it would be safe to be able to tell him about my problems with eating either. I don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless. I have no support that I feel comfortable telling about this. Im scared.. scared of my aunt. Scared of what she’ll do if she finds out how much I hate her. My life looks perfect but I am a mess. And I don’t have the power to fix it. If anyone has any advice, any at all, I would be so grateful. I just want help. That’s all really..

#vent post #this is pretty dark #I think this counts as disordered eating but idk #tw disordered eating #tw trauma mention #im trying to add the proper tw’s here #let me know if I need to add more

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itsgivingautism · 3 months

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01/18/24 — Zia rants about being autistic & physically disabled & chronically ill in a fucked ableist society & having to be dependent on their partner

Started to have meltdown over this & other stuff to my partner before he left for work…. I didn’t meant to have a morning meltdown. I found myself shutting down and feeling guilty before he left bc I can recognize it’s hard on him even when he doesn’t wanna show it. But needed a place to rant and ended up going off down below for a like an hour. I don’t want to open up but I made tumblr after not being on here since high school for an outlet for a lot of reasons, with support & encouragement from therapists to do so. But I also hate being perceived. I’m just so fucking annoying tho I somehow always bring attention to myself that I never want….. but I’m also learning to tell my story & share my experiences. As an autistic person late diagnosed who was severely abused throughout my entire childhood opening up, learning to unmask & not shutdown, understanding my own thoughts, feelings, & experiences is so fucking hard.

I am so grateful for my partner but god I wish I was independent. I wish I had the ability to take care of myself. I wish I wasn’t so fucking dependent on his love and support. I wish I wasn’t so needy, or clingy. I wish I wasn’t disabled physically and mentally. I wish I wasn’t so wounded & traumatized. I wish I wasn’t so chronically ill. I wish I wasn’t in autistic burnout, a state of prolonged cognitive decline that one average can last 2-10 years.

I wish I could get a job. Even working from home but my mind can’t even. I’m constantly age regressing and going across different timelines of my mind and getting trapped, constantly disconnecting from this current physical reality even when I seem like a part of it to others - but it’s just automatic masking as a trauma response. All a result of my CPTSD+autism+adhd

I haven’t been able to work a real job since 2020. I’ve been fighting to get the support & benefits I need but constantly being shit on. Having to go thru constant channels to prove how severe my issues are and then being told try this treatment first and when it doesn’t work its still somehow my fault. I’m sick of having to prove my disabilities & illnesses and then when I show how bad they are I’m being dramatic. But when I mask & show strength, I must be making it up. How could you be so strong about then? There’s no winning. Only losing. I don’t see a point in showing weakness or asking for help. But then refusing to and bottling it all up, that has lead me to deeply problematic bad spirals. I just want to be taken seriously by doctors & medical professionals. I hate this country.

I wish I was normal. I hate burdening my partner. Although I know he doesn’t want me to feel like one and he genuinely wants to help me, I also know I stress him out….

I am dependent on him financially while his job is fucking over their contracts, refusing to give him & his coworkers the raises they were supposed to get a year ago. Him and his coworkers have collectively trying to unionize for months (which is the only reason they actually didn’t get a pay cut which the company was tryna do even tho they were supposed to give raises last year) and ofc my partner has been the one leading the unionizing. (We joke about my radicalism really rubbing off on him)

I’m constantly trying to find ways to make money, which end up doing more damage to my body. He hate what it does to me. He wishes he could do more while stuck in his work contract. it’s a lot on him. And I feel like his life would be so much less stressful without me tho….. or at least if I could just be normal & healthy….

Even my friends point out that unless I’m talking about my emotions & trauma I don’t make any sense talking…. like burnout really shows…. It’s embarrassing constantly. I sound like a so clearly disabled most of the time. I used to exceptionally smart & articulate before this burnout. Ik they mean it accepting my but it’s hard when 90% of what I say comes out wrong. It’s hard when I’m trying to be supportive and it sounds like asshole shit bc my issues with speech & cognition. I want to be a lovely validating friend. Not the one they have to dissect my word vomit to find the love & support in foolish clumsily words. I’m technically hyperlexic so I can keep creating words but my other learning disabilities downgrade the quality & meaning of those words.

But I also only make sense when talking about my looping emotions & trauma is bc I only share what I can (the deeper stuff is vaulted by selective mutism & shutdowns). This is the shit going thru my brain, talking to myself about and looping constantly. Ofc it’s the only thing I can talk about. But even most the time I’m still not making sense entirely. But it’s all I can think about, talk to myself about, and it’s all the my brain is giving me permission to share about myself.

#disability rant #autistic rant #actually autistic #actually disabled #actually chronically ill #autistic adult #autistic blogger #disabled blogger #autistic experiences #disabled #chronically ill #actually cptsd #Zias diary 🌿#Zia 🌿#chronic illness

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frosensims · 1 year

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some personal shit.. (non sims 4 related, or maybe a little bit at the end of this post lol)

i recently found out that i’m autistic. which explains a lot of my issues in the daily life. it was a shock but at the same time it was such a relief to found out bc it gave me so many answers to all the questions i’ve had throughout the years. now i know why some things are hard for me and why i am the way i am.

i don’t really know why i am writing this.. but honestly i don’t talk much about this irl with the people i know. when i told some people that i know the response was like - “but you don’t look autistic” and stuff like that. so, does autism have a face now?? no it doesn’t. it makes me angry when people are like “no, you’re not autistic, if you were we would have known” and stuff like that. but believe me, i’ve always known that it was something. i’ve always known that i functioned differently. maybe i didn’t know it was autism, but i knew it was something.

i’m glad that i got in touch with the psychological care. now i get the help and the tools i need to cope with everyday life.

but i do have a long way to go still, there’s still some stuff i’m trying to figure out. there’s still some stuff i’m learning about myself. for example, i can’t work right now. i’m seeing everyone else just go to work, or go to school, and making money and seeing friends and all of that social life stuff. but i’m mostly at home because i can’t do shit right now. i’m also living with anxiety & depression in addition to my autism. and i haven’t been able to work for three years now. i do study to pass grades that i didn’t get in high school. i didn’t get an exam. but right now i’m having a break from school as well bc i’ve been at my lowest.

i just want to be able to work. i want to be done with school. i want to get out there. but for me, it all takes some time. i get contributions (do u call it that in English? when u get money from the state example bc you’re sick or there’s other reasons you can’t work, or you need some more time to finish school) anyway, that’s how it works in sweden so luckily i manage financially for now. but i don’t have all the time in the world to pass school. i’ve applied for another year of financial support so that i can finish school. but I haven’t gotten a response yet and that’s stressing me out because my currently financial contributions ends in july.

so yeah.. now u know a little bit about me & my life. don’t really know what i wanted out of this, i think i just needed to write about this and get it out of my brain. i’m not looking for answers or compassion or anything. more like, a reminder that we all go through though things. and that we’re not alone in it.

i also want to thank the sims community and my mutuals and like, yeah this game in general. bc it honestly is a lifesaver sometimes. you can just disappear from the real world a little bit. and since i can’t work right now, i’m playing a lot of sims and hanging out in here and talking to other simblrs and it really brightens my days. so thank you! <3

also i want to apologize for bad grammar if there’s any, i’m swedish okayyyy, i tried my best lol

#frosentalk #simblr

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spicyicymeloncat · 2 years

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Crystalised part 2 ep 23, 24, 25, 26 spoilers

Yeah I put them all in one post lol

Ep 23

Again, using minecraft logic

Antonia’s “I fished out the last one it’s your turn” lol wow, she makes it seem like this happens often

Antonia did the “if I had a nickel” meme

Oh frick Nya survived?? Also no legs for Nya??

Ofc casual sexism from the mechanic. She has a name!

Okay Jay didn’t crash!! Hell yeah Jay saving Nya for once!

The mechanic is anti jaya also that was such a sick line jay

Okay her fuckin legs are fine now ig

Also Nya’s gonna become water again :(

I think it’s weird that the Crystal warriors can pass out tho

Again city that never sleeps. Paperboys still gonna do their thing amidst a freaking war

Wu: I can’t do child soldiers

Nelson, pointing at the ninja: wtf are these then???

BENTHO IS COMING BACK :D

HELL YEAH LET NINJAGO CITY FIGHT BACK FOR ONCE

Oh gosh that was sick

ep 24

OH MAN THE THUMBNAIL

Lloyd rlly said frick you man

EXCUSE ME POLICE BUT WTF ARE UR PRIORITIES?? THE MAYOR IS GONE NOW WHAT LAW ARE U EVEN USING

NOOO NOT THE SERPENTINE :[ that’s so sadddd

Lloyd really blew his mind there

MISAKO FINALLY CAME BACK FOR A SEASON

I feel like the prophecy guy was brought up before but idk how to spell his name lol

PIXAL MY BELOVED I LOVE HER SO MUCH

Man zane is on the fritz

Oh god he has no limbs man that’s kinda fcuked up man jeez.

However the the ice emperor schtick is kinda funny

Oh my god he’s in a rucksack

OH MY FUCKING GOD ICE EMPEROR IS ONLY BACK FOR COMEDY not what I was expecting but I’ll take it

Hell yeah Ronin! Pixal and Ronin team up will be interesting

Omg the other sog who basically got completely rejected by Harumi this time round. Rip Pixal everyone is evil even her boyfriend

Hell yeah Ronin!! Trying to actually break out of the cycle

Also freaking Zane kicking ronin with his foot

Zane: vex? Vex! Wtf is vex when you need him

Ofc Cyrus didn’t even know

Ep 25

it’s the lava episode :)

Aww man Cole really hit his head

Okay even if I’m not a Kailor shopper I support skylor calling Kai hot shot

Ig this episode really will say which ship is canon

Freaking pythor. I love him

I guess Harumi is looking for lloyd

I would just like to remind people I coined Embershipping for the Kai/skylor/cole ship

ITS JAKE

I’m literally gonna start crying about Garmadon. Mans has half of his emotions but in the ways he’s expressing them, he’s sad about how Lloyd doesn’t accept the Oni heritage that he himself has and how christofern is a weird confused metaphor for Lloyd :((((

Gayle and vinny xxxx

God clutch literally has Nadakhan still oh my god

Okay this door must be a Chekhov’s gun bc they’re so gonna answer a knock that isn’t the paper boys

OH NO I DO NOT LIKE THIS EPISODE TITLE

Okay so I assume the romance is gonna get cleared up in this ep. We see the harbour so we know jaya is a thing. We’re looking at Kailor at the start. And like. Pixane… I’m gonna cry

Okay thank god we’re addressing the problems with them right here and now. I’ll hate the ship significantly less if they do this right.

Okay that’s fair

(I’m still a lava shipper tho)

No I refuse any couple shit from wusako no thanks

FreKing Garmadon. He’s like my baby brother whenever someone is on the phone

RACER SEVEN OH I LOVE HER SLSO

OR LIKE BLAZEY is it blazey? H SPEED. I love her

Oh my gosh. I hope Rarlkove integrates Pixal into the long con snake jaguar au

UV just 👉👈 at pixal

:(((( Zane. Has borg tried turning him off and ok again? Putting him in a bag of rice? Giving him a few thumps on the back? What if we just say “protect those who can’t protect themselves” that worked in s11

THEY LET BLAZEY KEEP A PRIME EMPIRE GUN??

ZANE YOU CANT KEEP DOING THIS HOW MANY FUNERALS DO YOU WANT MAN

WHAT THE FUCK THE PIXANE KISS

ZANE IM GOING TO DISMANTLE YOU MYSELF YOU SLEEPING BEAUTY FUCK

PIXAL SQUEALING

FUGIDOVE IS EVERYONE

THE SAM X SUIT LOOKS COOL

Okay barely any jaya and I look forward to draw Zane’s fucked up face but like JEEZ MAN HE DONE DID IT AGAIN ITS LIKE HE SAID NINJA NEVER QUIT… DYING

At least that’s a good place to stop

#ninjago #lego ninjago #Ninjago crystalized #ninjago crystalized spoilers #reaction

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sp00kysk3lly · 6 months

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Two weeks! Two fucking weeks!

After I was denied mental health support from the MH local team, because my problems are “too complex”, (more like you don’t want to deal with me because I stuck up for myself), I went to my doctor.

She told me to write down everything. My pain, my mental health.

That was two weeks ago… TODAY!

Two weeks ago?!?! It takes two weeks does it? BULL FUCKING SHIT!

Whilst my MENTAL HEALTH is getting worse and worse as each day passes, you’re just sitting there happy as Larry just watching it unfold in front of you.

I’ve been more depressed. At this point it is the NHS making me depressed. Because that’s who I’ve been crying over. That’s why I’ve been crying. Because they don’t want to help me. They don’t want to even try to help me.

JUST FUCKING REFER ME AND BE DONE WITH IT FOR FUCKS SAKE!

How hard is it? To say that I need obvious help? How hard is it? To tell them that I need the diagnosis, the medication and the therapy I was fucking promised!

I’m close to just not bothering with the NHS anymore, but there’s no use going private because you’ll still deal with the NHS just on a private level.

So my only option is to either stay with the NHS and suffer long term problems with them.

Just leave the NHS and if I get sick, I get sick and if I die then I die and it’s on them all for treating me this way.

My mental health is just destroyed at this point.

I can’t sleep.

I can’t even fall asleep NOW!

I cry most days.

I think about suicide on a daily/nightly basis.

My obsession is growing more and more everyday.

My intrusive thoughts are getting worse everyday.

What can I do now? I can’t refer myself, they’ll just decline it. My doctor doesn’t seem to give a shit about anything to do with me. There’s nothing left but to just SUFFER ALONE.

My “friends” don’t even seem concerned for me. Even though I haven’t said anything in 4 days. I’m not bothering for a month. 10th October - 10th November. If they haven’t shown any concern about me for a month…

I’m done! I’m done with friends and I’ll know that I’m truly alone.

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spn-fanfic-reblog-writes · 2 years

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My Birthday Supernatural Dabbles for Readers and Followers

Today is my birthday and I thought I would give YOU a present. I am still getting the hang of writing, so I thought I would try this out. Please read the instructions below and send me an ASK. It may take me a few days but I will get to all my asks regarding this.

Below is a list of prompts and a list of Supernatural main and supporting characters that I will write for.

Instructions: Please provide one to thee (1-3) prompts and which character(s), one to three (1-3) of them a well. If it’s a preferred ‘ship,’ please let me know and I will do my best. 😊

Characters: (choose up to 3)

Reader

Sam Winchester

Dean Winchester

Bobby Singer

Castiel

Charlie

Mary Winchester

Crowley

Sheriff Jody Mills

Claire

Alex

Rowena

Prompts: (choose up to 3)

I think I’m in love with you, and I’m terrified.

Why are you helping me?

You could have gotten yourself killed! (But I didn’t!)

You have to leave. Right now.

Trust me.

You’re in love with her.

Watch me

I don’t believe you

It’s okay I’m here

Everything is okay

I’m going to protect you

Why can’t you love me back?

I have nothing left to give.

How could you do this to me? After all we’ve been through.

I can’t stop thinking about you.

This isn’t your fault okay? I promise.

I’m scared. What if someone finds out about us?

What were you thinking?

Don’t you know who I am? (Yeah, I just don’t care.)

I can’t believe you would do this to me! After everything I’ve done for you!

I can’t even look at you!

Stop coming back

I thought we were family.

There was never an us.

Do you want me to stop?

I fucked up. (No shit).

You’re hurting me.

I can’t live without you

You can’t sleep yet kid. I need you to stay awake.

If something were to happen to you… I don’t think I could take it.

Why not? (Because I couldn’t live with myself if you got hurt.)

If I never see you again, just know that I love you.

Was I really that drunk?

I made a bet. I lost..

Whose side are you on?!

I wish you were here.

Pretend to be my date.

I can explain.

I’m sick of being useless, let me help.

I thought you were dead.

You look cute when you’re sleepy.

I can’t lose you.

Shh. Stop fussing I’m just braiding your hair

I might have slept with your robe while you were gone

You are my new pillow

It’s okay. I couldn’t sleep anyway

I heard you talking in your sleep

We’ll do dishes together

Did you just kiss me?

I want to take a shower so you should probably join me. It’ll save water

Why do you run away from your problems all the time?

You can’t keep it all inside you know? Bottling it up won’t do any good

You’re not good for me

I had to get new bedding because I couldn’t lay in it without you there.

Our song came on and I needed to talk to you after I heard it

You made that choice, not me. You’re in this alone

Picnic date

It’s been too long since you really laughed/smiled

Back then I lied when I told you I didn’t love you. You needed to move on from me… I needed to protect you from me

Quit trying to fix me when you need to just fix yourself

What are you doing in my shirt? (I’m cold)

I want you. Only you.

Don’t shut me out

Give me one single reason why I shouldn’t leave

Are you drunk?

People are staring

How much of that did you see?

You’re mine.

Make me

I’d keep quiet unless you want to get caught

Instead of staring you could join.

Oh bite me. (Where?)

Don’t make me pull over… that’s it.

The only way you’re getting off is on my thigh or face

I’m going to remember this moment when I’m jerking off later (why not find me for the real thing?)

Let’s add to your mind porn collection

Can I?

Please, Sir/Ma’am/Daddy

If you don’t like me teasing then why are you moaning?

Pay attention to me

Say…Sir,understood?

If only you knew

What the hell?

Truth or dare?

I’m going to enjoy this far too much.

Tag list:

@fluffiest-dreams @myloversgone @riley-phoenix

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hollywoodxwhore · 2 years

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wanted - part one

This is part one of a series I'm writing! Find the masterlist here.

Colson x Original Female Character, Pete X Original Female Character

Warnings: language, alcohol and drugs mentioned, talk of virginity and mentions of sex, mental health and self-esteem mentioned

Note: This is an au where they aren't famous. The band exists but they're just college kids.

Word Count: 2065

I’ve always been the one who gets picked last.

When I was in elementary and middle school, I was always the one chosen last for the team, too skinny and unlikable, or maybe just too invisible to be picked. In high school when I finally had a group of friends, I was never the one that guys went for. I had one boyfriend in high school because my best friend wanted to double-date, so she set me up with her boyfriend’s best friend. We lasted two weeks before I got the ick and broke up with him over text message.

Maybe it was for the best. I had no interest in actually dating guys in high school. I just liked pining after the ones who would never know I existed. It was safer that way; I couldn’t be rejected or get hurt. I found solace in my head, in spending time alone and learning to like it.

I had no interest in sex in high school; it grossed me out and scared the shit out of me, so even if I’d had a boyfriend, I would have never been able to get past making out with him. I was too uncomfortable in my own skin, and the thought of letting someone else see me caused me so much anxiety that it made me sick.

By the time I was 21, I was still a virgin and it was humiliating. All of my friends had lost it and had slept with more than one person at that point, and there I was, never having even gone past making out. I finally lost it to one of my guy friends and cried on the drive home. A year later and I haven’t gone any further than a few handjobs and one blowjob, and I still haven’t had a boyfriend.

I still feel like guys look right through me. I’m not sure why. I think I’m pretty enough, relatively tall with pale blonde hair and green eyes. I wouldn’t say I’m supermodel beautiful by any means, but I’m not ugly. All of my friends tell me I could have anyone I wanted, but I know that isn’t true.

For all of those reasons and more, I can’t wrap my head around why I’ve found myself in the situation I’m in: torn between two gorgeous men who both want me. I want them, too. Both of them. I have no idea how to handle it, and I know it’s all going to crash and burn soon enough.

My life is pretty boring. I don’t really do much other than spend time with girlfriends, do schoolwork, work, and sleep. I’ve decided that this year, I’m going to have some fun. I’m going to meet guys and stop being so timid about it. I’m going to go to parties when invited rather than turn them down like I always do. I’m wasting my youth and I don’t want to do it anymore.

So when my classmate and friend invites me to her band’s show, I say yes.

Sophie is my closest friend in my creative writing program. She’s a horror writer but she’s also a kickass guitar player. She plays in a local band with quite a following; they’re attempting to make it big. I have no idea if they’re good or not; this will be my first time watching them perform. Sophie is the only girl in the band, so she told me she needs girlfriends there to support her.

She told me it was a basement show, nothing too fancy, so I don’t have to dress up. Still, I’m not really sure what to wear to something like this. There’s an afterparty at Sophie’s bandmate’s house and I’m invited to that, too. It’ll be a smaller group of people and she’s insisted that I’ll love her friends. I’m anxious, but excited, too. I hope she’s right.

It’s still warm out, so I decide on a black bodysuit and some high-waisted jean shorts with my favorite high-top Converse. I French-braid my hair, knowing it’ll be hot in the basement, and keep my makeup and jewelry light. I’m feeling good when I leave my apartment, stopping to pick up another one of our classmates, Alicia.

“I hope they’re good or this is gonna be awkward,” Alicia says dryly, applying lipstick in my car mirror.

I chuckle and glance at the GPS. “We’ll support her nonetheless,” I tell her.

“Honestly, they can suck all they want. I’m just going to see the guys in the band,” she says, then moans.

I wince and laugh. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

Alicia shoots me a look, her brown eyes glinting. “Have you not seen them?” she asks incredulously. “Every single one of them is fucking hot.”

“No way,” I say skeptically, glancing at her momentarily.

“I mean it,” Alicia says, pulling her phone from her purse. She navigates for a few moments, then holds her phone out. “My personal favorite is the drummer, Rook.”

“Rook?” I ask, glancing at a picture of a guy with a nice smile, wincing. “What’s with the braids?”

“Hey, don’t knock the braids,” Alicia says defensively, pulling her phone back. “His name is JP but he goes by Rook. They all have nicknames. This is Slim, he does the keyboard and stuff.” She turns the phone back to me, phone displaying a picture of a man with warm, brown skin and a beard. “Brandon is his real name, but no one calls him that.”

“Okay, he’s cute,” I offer.

“Baze, or Steve, plays bass,” she says.

“Baze. Bass. Got it,” I say, glancing at a picture of a man with incredible hair and a beard to match. “He’s awesome.”

“And sexy,” Alicia adds. “Justin plays guitar.” Another picture of a man, this one with short dreadlocks. She’s not wrong, every single person is good looking.

“And finally,” she says. “The one that gets all the panties wet.”

“Ew,” I interrupt.

“Kells, the lead singer.” Alicia holds her phone up and I have to do a double-take. On her phone is a picture of, quite possibly, the most handsome man I’ve ever laid eyes on. Bleach blonde hair, blue eyes, nose rings, jewelry in his ears and on his neck and on his fingers. Skin littered with tattoos.

“Holy shit,” I say, taking her phone to ogle him while at a red light.

“I told you,” Alicia says smugly.

“Is Kells his real name?” I ask, still fixating on the photo.

“Colson,” Alicia says. “Most people call him Kells because their band is called-”

“Machine Gun Kelly,” I answer for her, nodding. “Gotcha.”

The light turns green and I reluctantly hand Alicia back her phone. My skin feels slightly flushed and my heart is beating a little faster. All from a picture. I blow out a breath to regain some composure.

“Colson is single, by the way,” Alicia says, since I don’t ask. “But I guess he doesn’t really date. He mostly sleeps around.”

“Gotcha,” I answer, trying not to sound disappointed. I snap out of it quickly, though, because there’s no way that someone who looks like Colson would go for me.

Soon enough, we arrive at the venue and park in the parking lot. We go inside and squeeze our way into the basement, already stuffed to the gills with people and stiflingly hot. I look around, taking in the haze of smoke hovering above the bodies, smell the scent of cigarettes and weed and the slightly fruity hint of vape smoke. My eyes land on the stage where a couple of people are testing instruments. I don’t recognize any of them from the pictures, so I assume they’re crew.

“How popular are they?” I yell to Alicia over the noise.

“Pretty popular!” Alicia calls back. “Decent amount of streams on Spotify, I think.” I just nod.

We squeeze our way to a spot near the front, and we spot Sophie standing by the side of the stage, a beer in hand as she talks to someone…was it Justin? She turns to spot us and squeals excitedly. “You made it!” she gushes, waving us over. We embrace her together. “This is Justin, the other guitarist. Justin, this is Alex and Alicia.”

“Nice to meet you,” Justin says, shaking our hands. “Glad Soph’s friends could make it.”

“Show’s starting in five minutes, let me grab you beers,” Sophie says, waving for us to follow her. Behind the stage, there’s a small area with tables, equipment, and a fridge. Sophie extracts two beers and hands them to us.

“Sophie, these your friends?” a voice asks. The guy I recognize as Rook, the drummer, approaches, and Alicia blushes. “I’m Rook.” He shakes our hands, holding eye contact with Alicia for a moment. I feel a slight wave of insecurity. It’s always someone else before it’s me.

Sophie turns her head. “Kells! Slim! Baze!” she calls. “Come meet my girls!”

Three men approach, and my eyes immediately land on Colson. Holy shit, he’s even hotter in person. I will myself to relax, play it cool. The guys shake our hands, and sure enough, Colson’s eyes barely skim over mine before he’s looking away, seemingly too cool for this interaction. I’m ready to get into the crowd where I can hide again.

“Five minutes,” a woman calls out to them, and the boys scatter. Sophie leads us to a spot in the front row and my heart rate eases just a little now that I’m not in the presence of so many gorgeous men.

“Hot as fuck, right?” Alicia says with a smirk.

I shrug. “Not like I have a chance with any of them,” I mutter.

Alicia frowns. “That’s so not true, Alex,” she says.

I raise a brow. “Colson barely noticed me. Rook was eye-fucking you.”

“He was, wasn’t he?” Alicia gushes excitedly, and I roll my eyes, but I can’t help but smile. Before our conversation can continue, the lights dim and the band comes out. The room erupts in deafening cheers and I link arms with Alicia as the crowd begins to swell and shift.

“What’s up, we’re Machine Gun Kelly,” Colson says into the mic, another cheer following his words. “Thanks for coming out.” He puts the pick to his guitar and into the mic, shouts, “2, 3, 5!” Immediately, the band breaks into song and I’m instantly impressed by the way they blend.

Colson starts to sing and it’s like my eyes glue themselves to him. I can’t look anywhere else. He’s captivating, the best stage presence I’ve ever experienced, and I’ve been to many concerts. The way he moves, the way he plays the guitar, I’m unable to take my eyes off of him. The song moves into the chorus and I fall in love with his voice, the raspy depth of it, the way it moves over the syllables and notes. Fuck, I’m so attracted to this man.

All night, I try to watch Sophie, try to watch Baze on the bass or Rook on the drums, but my eyes always drift back to Kells. Colson. No wonder every girl wants him. He’s like the human embodiment of sex.

The show ends and everyone claps wildly, including me. It’s the best show I’ve ever been to in my life, and I’m immediately disappointed that it’s over. Alicia turns to me, eyes wild and excited. “Holy shit!” she yells.

“That was fucking incredible!” I say, adrenaline rushing through me. “Wow!”

“Let’s go find Sophie!” Alicia says, taking my hand. We make our way backstage and Sophie runs at us, embracing us again.

“Sophie, holy shit!” I gush. “That was incredible!”

“Thanks,” Sophie says, beaming widely.

“Good show, Soph,” Colson says, wrapping her in a hug.

“That was amazing,” I blurt, looking at Colson.

He gives a lazy smile. “Thanks,” he says, and immediately, he’s gone again, going over to hug Rook.

“You coming to the after party?” Sophie asks.

“Of course,” Alicia says.

Sophie glances over her shoulder and leans in conspiratorially. “Rook thinks you’re cute,” she tells Alicia with a smirk.

Alicia squeals. “Oh, I’m 100% sucking his dick tonight,” she says matter-of-factly, and Sophie and I crack up.

“We’ll probably be there in like an hour,” Sophie says. “Gotta clean up.”

“We’ll go grab something to eat,” I say. “See you there!”

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