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talltalesandbedtimestories · 4 months

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“(Don’t) Hurry Down The Chimney Tonight” - Dean x Reader

Rating Explicit

Dean x Reader

Tags: Christmas (Holiday) Smut, Red Ribbons, Candy Canes, Peppermint Sensations, Sleigh Bells, Sexy Santa References, Dean is Tied Up, Edging, Oral Sex, 69, Vaginal Sex, Reader is a Naughty Little Vixen, Dean deserves a proper (sexy) Christmas.

Word Count: 2700

Summary: Dean saved Reader from the supernatural on Christmas Eve years ago. Every Christmas since, she has always found a way to show her unending appreciation.

Notes: This smutty little fic is a holiday gift for @jessjad for the 2023 SPNFanFicPond Secret Santa Fic Exchange. I hope you enjoy the reader’s sexy times with Dean.

Big thanks to @sam-is-my-safeword and runawaydr3amer (AO3) for reading the first draft and helping with a great many awesome smut ideas. Additional thanks to runawaydr3amer, who also beta’d this fic and packaged it up nice and shiny.

Merry holidays!

I'm participating in @jacklesversebingo, and this part will fill my "Edging" square.

Resources:

Collage created in Canva

Pic found on Google (Fanpop)

Song Reference: Santa Baby by Joan Javits and Philip Springer (listen/watch this version sung by Eartha Kitt)

Dean sinks those pearly whites into the flesh of his bottom lip. His top lip pulls up and back into a painful sneer. The usual rosy, pillowy fullness of that mouth is instead taut, whitening under the capture. You laser focus onto the pointy canine denting into the mouth you have debated sitting on since you began this teasing challenge.

jingle

You finish fashioning a sweet little bow with the ribbon. It’s ruby red and velvety soft.

“Well, I think that’s about the prettiest package I ever did wrap.”

jingle

“What do you think, Mr. Claus?” you ask, your voice as innocent and demure as you can manage.

Dean opens his mouth and expels a slow gasp. jingle “Fuck, sweetheart. You aren’t playin’ fair.”

“That’s the whole point.”

You rise from the edge of the bed and take in the entire scene. It’s magnificent.

He’s magnificent.

Dean is lying atop the forest green comforter of your bed. Naked. Well, not totally naked. A red ribbon - adorned with one single sleigh bell - binds his wrists together and anchors him to the headboard. His arms, jutting out and bent to create a diamond-shaped frame around his face, give you a prime ticket to the gun show. Biceps flex and tendons raise under the skin as he tries to remain as motionless as possible.

jingle

You aren’t a complete heathen. He’s got a fluffy pillow, the same deep green color as the comforter, to rest his head atop. Dean is anything but sleepy. He’s wound up. He stares back at you, the green of his irises electric and flaming with intensity.

You anticipate how sublime it will feel to strum the cords of his neck. Tickle your fingertips down that chest. You imagine Dean ring-a-ding-dinging and cursing himself if you take the time to trace the outline of his tattoo. Circle those perky nipples. Dip into his belly button and follow his treasure trail of baby-fine hair.

You marvel again at the other ribbon that you tied. You’d purchased a couple yards of red velvet at the craft store weeks ago with this in mind. With him in mind. You were ecstatic it had been enough to criss-cross around the crease below that fine ass. It wraps over a slight vee along his waist. The makeshift holiday jockstrap has Dean’s beautiful, now fully erect, cock sporting a bow.

Dean sighs. “Are you done decking my balls?” jingle

You giggle and fiddle with the belt of your robe. It’s red as well, but made of silk. “As we discussed, the end result of all of this is all up to you. Santa.” You flip a switch to turn off the ceiling light. The sconces stay on above the headboard. Two halos figure eight over Dean’s beautiful body, awash in a warm amber glow.

He’s a full print ad of holiday cheer and sinful debauchery.

“You’re being very naughty, (jingle) Mrs. Claus.” Dean licks his top lip—your core clenches at the deep timbre of his scolding.

You’ve been wet since you both finished Christmas dinner. Since you told him you had one more gift for him waiting upstairs. Since you left him in the bedroom with orders to strip while you changed in the bathroom. Since you pulled out the ribbons. Since you explained that if he was good and could keep his jingling down to a minimum through what you had planned, you’d fuck him into the New Year.

You inhale and shrug, then begrudgingly turn your back to the sight. It takes a few taps on your phone for you to get to the song. You stifle another giggle at the little jingles Dean can’t help as he waits.

Once you tap the play button, the festive and recognizable melody begins. A barbershop quartet bah-bums a bit before the sultry and smooth vocals of Eartha Kitt take the lead.

You look back over your shoulder at Dean and whisper along with Eartha.

You peel the silky robe off one shoulder then the other. Dean groans when the layer slips down to the floor. jingle

“Shit.” He moans and you grin in satisfaction at the hoped for reaction.

You turn back to face him, adding a dramatic hair flip. You're wearing a sexy little Mrs. Claus outfit. It’s a red velvet dress with a scandalously high skirt and a low-cut halter. White fur lines both the top and bottom. It’s all cinched nice and tight around your waist with a black belt and a gold buckle.

You bend at the knees and lean forward, shoulders folding in and hands resting on your thighs. It gives Dean the perfect vantage to ogle your cleavage. You purr along with the next line and modify the lyrics a smidge.

“Man, I must have been a really good boy this year.” Dean stares in awe, not even caring how much he’s jingling with his squirms atop the bed.

You let it slide for the time being, thrilled at the kid in a candy store grin plastered on his face and the way the bow sways with every twitch of his cock.

Dean tilts his head to the side. His gaze begins at your red-glitter heels and canvases every inch of skin from ankles to thighs. He pauses, stopping to stare at the hint of flesh under the skirt hem. jin-jingle jingle jin-jingle He pants out, “Mrs. Claus forgot her panties, huh?”

You lift a finger and wiggle it back and forth in the air. “Uh-uh-uh. Remember, really good boys stay still if they want their present.”

The bell jangles no matter how carefully he attempts to reposition himself. “Son of a bitch,” he mumbles and you laugh. “Sorry, sweetheart. I’ll be good,” he whispers soft and sweet.

The heels tap across the hardwood as you walk over to settle beside Dean. You adjust your skirt to let the scant amount of fabric fan over your naughty bits. Being so close to him makes you forget the lyrics to sing along with Eartha.

You rest a hand on his chest. Through clenched teeth, Dean inhales at the touch, the rest of him frozen in place. The bell is silent. Your other hand grabs one of the candy canes you had left on the bedside table. For reasons.

Watching him fight every urge he has to reach out and touch you is fascinating. And the power you have over him gives you a head rush. You continue the tease, twirling the candy between your fingers, then laving the cane’s hook with your mouth and tongue. Dean garners some pity from you as he whines, brows downturned, eyes attentive to your every swirl and suck. You swing the cane close to his mouth. “Wanna taste?”

He swallows. “Wanna taste you,” he states, the hint of hope escaping around the edges of a soft moan.

The thrill of his need quickens your pulse. No other man has loved and adored you as thoroughly and exuberantly as Dean Winchester. You nod. “You will. But, first,” you rub the wet-slick candy cane over his bottom lip, “show me what that mouth wants to do.”

“You know what this mouth can do,” he reminds with a little sass, letting the candy cane tap against his bottom teeth.

But soon enough, he indulges you. He slips the hook between his lips. His tongue slides out under the curve of peppermint, lapping at the sticky sweet. Again and again. Your breath hitches into your open mouth as you watch, enthralled at the ministrations of that thick and powerful muscle. He sucks the confection in a little farther, pursing his lips. The sounds he’s making, enjoying the treat, are downright pornographic and send any extraneous bell ringing to the back of your hearing queue. The red food coloring coats them like lip gloss by the time you break from the spell of his show. You guess it’s been minutes since Eartha finished her rendition of ‘Santa, Baby.’ The rest of the playlist you created has soft and dreamy instrumentals.

“My turn,” you cajole. You tug on the cane. He relinquishes, but not without some resistance. A little pop escapes his mouth once the hook is freed. You marvel at the progress he made. The hook end is substantially shorter and thinner than when he began.

He sniffs and tilts his chin up in pride. jingle “Your turn with that, or my turn with you?”

The cane slips back into your mouth, your fingers sticky from all the handling. You stand, kick off your heels, and climb back onto the bed on your knees. You grin as you suck on the candy.

His eyes soften. “Be careful, baby. Don’t want you to choke. Well, at least not on that.” He smirks.

He’s right. Safety first. You toss the candy onto the bedside table.

“You are so (jingle) fucking hot in that (jingle) outfit.” He grins and waggles eyebrows in anticipation. “Gonna let me down your chimney, Mrs. Claus?” jingle jingle jingle

The actions in the next few seconds are a blur. You wonder if Dean has some sort of Jedi mind control ability. Because even though you are supposed to be the one making decisions this evening, his seductively god-awful puns find you sitting on his face, reverse cowgirl.

“You might get the golden ticket to all my secret places if you’re lucky.” Your fingers tip-toe down his chest like a grinch about to steal someone else’s presents.

jingle jingle jingle

“Fuckin’ hell,” Dean murmurs under your skirt. Hot breath bathes your inner thighs and other areas you hope will soon be explored.

Your hands rest in the little divots created by his pelvic bones while you take his body in and plan your method of attack. You pull on the ribbon and release his cock of the bow. Then, you’re deep throating him like he’s your last meal.

Not one to be outdone at an all-you-can-eat buffet, Dean’s entire face gets in on the feast as well. Nerves respond to the tingling sensation of the residual peppermint on Dean’s lips and tongue. You shiver at the gloriously heightened sensitivity when he pulls back to blow on your pussy. “This is so much better than milk and cookies.” He moans and groans and jingles all the way.

As much as you’re loving the taste of his precome, the velvet texture against your tongue, and the way the tip triggers a tiny gag reflex at the base of your throat, it’s time to remind him of the consequences of all that noise he’s making. You release the hard length from your mouth and try to concentrate on your own breathing during the absolute virtuoso way he’s eating you out. As much as you’d love his fingers to get in on the action, you know you’d have no control over the situation. You sigh in relief that he’s trying to adhere to some parts of the game. The pitiful, half-hearted ribbon shackling of his hands to the headboard is no match for Dean Winchester.

You steady yourself on wobbly knees and one shaky elbow. A firm grip around the base of his cock makes Dean gasp. He stills after that. In your mind’s eye, you picture the beauty of that mouth and how his luscious pink lips were slick with peppermint. You imagine how slick they are with you now. “Sorry, baby,” he murmurs and you feel him settle back onto the pillow. “I’ll be as quiet as I can. Can you blame me, though? Here I am, under your sweet little skirt, in the dark (jingle)... shit, sorry. But, you can’t drop a five-course meal in front of a starving (jingle) man and not expect him to wanna little taste.”

You squeeze his cock. “That’s part of the challenge.”

“I’m always up for a challenge. You always make me feel so good.”

You groan at the praise he bestows. Without releasing your hold, you shimmy off his chest. Channeling the prim and delicate sensibilities of Mrs. Claus, you crawl along the comforter and settle between nutcracker bow legs. With knees tucked under you and sat atop bare feet you accept him in your mouth again and get to work.

You take in the sight of Dean inventorying your every action. He’s gripping the top of the headboard with both hands to steady his upper body. You clock that the little stinker has also managed to palm the sleigh ball in an effort to silence or, at the very least, muffle it. You consider that move cheating. But he feels so sublime that you can’t bear to part with him to voice your irritation. He’s also whispering the sweetest filth to you while he watches.

“Damn. Yeah. Those lips of yours feel so good around my cock. You take it so good, baby. Wish I could fuck that pretty little mouth of yours, but I’d definitely jingle-jangle way too much.” A tongue swipe over his top lip accentuates the glossy look of his ruby-tinted mouth in the warm light. “You really are too good to me. You give the best Christmas presents.” He stiffens further with each downstroke. “Aw, yeah. Suck it.” Your rhythm increases. “So pretty. Wanna touch you so bad.” He gasps. “Fuck, I’m gettin’ close.” jingle jingle

You clamp around the base again and squeeze, freeze mid-swallow - your lips around the tip - as soon as he rings.

Dean squirms and grumbles.

You continue to bring him to the edge of orgasm, then halt. Your jaw is aching along with the rest of your body as time passes.

You’ve fucked Dean up in the best way possible. He’s blissed out, wound up tighter than a spring. You’ve got him begging. But his words grow into admonishments with each successive denial. “You can’t keep doing this, baby. There’s gonna be consequences. Santa’s gonna for real put you on his naughty list. Nothing but coal in your stocking,” he huffs.

You give your mouth a reprieve and stroke him. “Is that all that happens to naughty girls?”

He gnaws at his bottom lip before offering, “You really wanna find out?”

You nod.

The ribbon binding Dean to the headboard shreds with one mighty tug. He pitches the sleigh bell in the air. It jingles as it pinballs around the room.

You gasp as he cinches those hands under your armpits and drags you up his body. He crushes his lips into yours, tastes you with his tongue. The mixture of your arousal and a hint of peppermint melts you in his arms. Then, a sudden and swift rollover pins you beneath him.

He hovers, tosses your skirt up to your chest, and wedges between your legs. His hard, heavy cock slips into your folds and glides through your wetness. “I could drag this out. Or.” It’s his turn to tease. He notches snug against your entrance. You’re surprised your muscles haven’t pulled him into you of their own accord the way your entire body spasms with need. He whispers in your ear, “Let me be your Santa, baby.”

You gasp, “And hurry down the chimney tonight.”

He groans in victory and slides in, balls deep. He thrusts. One massive hand gathers your wrists together on the pillow above your head to anchor you in place. Fingers of his other hand grip the top of the headboard. Every sway in and out of you gets more frenetic. You’re screaming his name and he’s cursing yours.

“Good girls do what they’re told,” he states, out of breath, face reddening. His gaze locks with yours. He slows down. Releases your hands. Finds your clit amid the white fur and red velvet. Strums. Angles and hits your sweet spot deep within you with a harsh abandon. “Come.”

Minutes later, after you’ve both orgasmed, you’re curled into his chest. “That was…” you manage between heavy exhales.

“Yeah, that was awesome.” He kisses your forehead. “Every year, since I saved you from that ghost on Christmas Eve, you find a way to outdo yourself with the holiday cheer.”

“Well, you deserve it. I’m glad you can get away for a little while and get a special treat.”

He sighs. “You know, you don’t have to feel obligated to…”

You rest a finger atop his lips. “How I see it. Guy saves your life one time, you owe him the rest of yours.”

He smiles and pulls you in. “How about we just focus on tonight, yeah?”

You nod. “Merry Christmas, Dean.”

“Merry Christmas, sweetheart.”

#jacklesversebingo23 #dean x reader #dean x you #dean winchester smut #christmas smut

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beefy-the-stronk · 7 months

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I FINALLYYY finished this, it took way longer than it should have 😭 (thats on me for adding two more designs after coloring everything ajsndn)

Anyways, here's Jude's au design lineup.

We got the Judith herself, obviously.

Joan the Spoonskeeper, a pastel-loving, caramel drop wrapped in a see-through wrap, is the Sugary Spire counterpart. She is a swap of Jell's Pascal, so she inhibits his shy and soft personality. Much like how Pascal is a barista, Joan is one as well- but being in the Sugary universe, she also does milkshakes and hot choccy. Joan loves small thin silverware, but she doesn't make them, she only collects.

Judas, Jude's genderbent. There's litteral 0 difference between the two other than the goatee, and that he probably sweats slightly more. Just slightly.

Goth Folk!Jude, from @xbeih 's Music Au! She's a very laid back, talented guitarist. Unlike most Judes, she does have a slightly bigger ego- but she is more interested in the indie scene since she prefers that atmosphere more. She can be eccentric like Pop Pepperman, but also loves folk. and rustic aesthedic like Country Vigi.

Jude the Armsdealer, from @bobmirum 's Mafic Au. She is a brooding, more stoic weapons dealer with incredible marksmanship and crafting skill, but sadly, also a LOT of baggage. As a teen, she escaped from Pizzahead's casino and her family, and changed her identity. When she became an adult, she met and befriended Vigert, whom she looks up to as a father figure and helps with clue finding due to her past connections. She is also Pascal's twin sister. There's a lot more in both their stories, but I have to keep this brief for now 😭

And the last two are just what Jude would look like in the form of the vs! artworks of the bosses in the game, and also her as a normal human.

Much like Pepperman in his vs artwork, she's a giant, humanoid Bell Pepper. She also has an outer layer of cheese like usual, except its drawn a bit more grotesque and she's also covered in burns from her smithing. I like to imagine when this version talks, her voice is more distorted and gargly from the cheese.

These are just for funsies, I hope ya'll enjoy VuV

Also I keep mentioning Pascal, he belongs to @jellazticious

#pizza tower #jude the forksmith #joan the spoonskeeper #judas #gothfolk!jude #mafia!jude #vs!jude #object head #au #music au #mafia au #sugary spire #sugary spire au #pepperman #human jude #lineup

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michaeljaystonfan · 1 year

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campgender · 1 month

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i was scrolling your “life is in your home too” tag, which I love btw, and saw a post about how you learned to be a good dom from experienced expert doms by reading how they dom and some of their best scenes, do you think you could point me in the direction of some resources for me to study that too? thanks in advance, if not, thanks anyway!

(post referenced is here - link 1)

first of all tysm for this ask (+ your incredibly kind follow-up), it was a delight to receive + i’ve been wanting an excuse to talk about a lot of this for a while so i very much appreciate the interest!

as always please keep in mind that i am Just Some Fem, nothing is universal including when it comes to D/s & i can only speak to what works for me. i try to focus on starting points rather than specifics but ultimately my advice will always be limited by what i needed to hear & wasn’t told, which may not be what’s helpful for a different person. with that being said, here’s some suggestions!

i’ve posted a previous reading list (link 2) with relevant recs; particularly the practicality + sex writing sections have the kind of thing you’re looking for. specifically, The New Topping Book (2003) is a solid starting point; i definitely have my issues with it (haven’t read it recently enough to recall many specifics but i have the sense of general pervasive racism & ableism) but it did a good job at making me think & i appreciate the supportive tone they were going for

another book added to my tbr since then is Coming to Power (link 3), released by SAMOIS in 1983

other authors whose sex writing has been influential in my life: Sandra Cisneros, Natalie Diaz, Joan Nestle, Judy Grahn

the fic At The End of His Rope by Letterblade (link 4) is genuinely some of my favorite sex writing of all time & accomplishes the incredibly impressive feat of representing a broad array of dom styles & changes over time in the same piece

my “impurity culture” tag (link 5) houses the building blocks of my sexual ethic

i’ve found many of those foundations by poking around the incredible bodies of work original & archived @newsmutproject @woman-loving @gatheringbones

for me, studying sex is the same as studying poetry – reading for craft is a different process than for pleasure (not that there isn’t a great deal of pleasure to be found in such practice, especially for sadists – perhaps that’s why as a child i never resonated with Billy Collins’ “Introduction to Poetry,” like i love tying poems to chairs & beating them idk what to tell you). so, keeping in mind that these are suggestions not requirements, here’s how i read for + work on craft:

there is no such thing as too much journaling. this can take whatever form you prefer – voice memo, discord message to yourself, the noble notes app, your own personal sexy red string corkboard, a vast & stunning array of other approaches i can’t even begin to imagine. i personally have an elaborate web of spreadsheets & google docs lmao. what matters is developing a collection of ideas you want to play with + a practice of continually reflecting on past experiences.

pay attention to structure, not just content. find a scene you think is disjointed and pick at the seams, brainstorm better transitions. then find a scene that flows so smoothly it carries you with it and figure out what makes it work.

rewrite a scene you’re drawn to or affected by to suit your own preferences. i first did this when i couldn’t shake “Interlude 3” (link 6) from my head after reading The New Topping Book; you can read my variation on the theme here (link 7) if you’re interested.

write or think through a scene fantasy you have from negotiation to aftercare. obviously it’s very difficult if not impossible to fully script a scene in advance; the purpose isn’t planning something you’ll later do but rather getting used to coming up with ideas to get from one disparate moment / act to the next.

revisit a scene you’ve read, written, thought about, etc and list the physical & mental acts that are required / expected of the sub (eg, kneeling for 10 minutes; making eye contact; counting to 30, etc). then rework the scene for a sub who has the same interests & goals who cannot do 20% (or 50%, or any) of these acts.

revisit a previous scene and list the places where you think a sub might safeword & why. then rework it with the sub safewording somewhere that isn’t any of these places.

i also recommend keeping in mind that like… for me, reading about ethical sex can often be a very distressing process for the same reason that it’s liberating: because it proves that things i’ve experienced are not the way sex has to be. i’ll tell this story in its fullness one day but the first time i read S/HE by Minnie Bruce Pratt i literally had a flashback to events i’d repressed for years, it was devastating, i’m so grateful for it. hell, in the process of compiling resources for this post i cried twice editing this quote (link 8) because between reading that book the first time & now someone did “respond with scorn or ridicule” when i safeworded. so i would really encourage folks to approach this kind of work with as much grace & comfort for yourself as you can muster or borrow – if it’s really fucking hard, you’re not alone in that, & it’s okay to take your time + pace yourself + seek support.

your + others’ interest is definitely motivating me to actually write posts i’ve been tossing around for months so thank you again & feel free to keep an eye out for more shut-in sex tips in my new “tomorrow sexting will be good again” tag. would love to hear your thoughts on any of this post / these or other books / whatever really lol. wishing you all the best & i hope today is kind to you! 💓

#asks #D/s #reading lists #mac.txt #tomorrow sexting will be good again

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novankenn · 3 months

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OMAKE : Blonde Big-Game

Ren and Nora where sitting on one of the several benches that surrounded Beacon's fountain. Each of them slurping noodles from take-out containers as they just enjoyed the beautiful day.

Nora: They're starting to slow down.

Ren: True, but they have been doing it for a good thirty minutes.

Nora: So who do you think will give up first?

Before Ren could answer, a trio of blond figures game barreling past... well more like one figure as the two others were being carried by her.

Nora: Yang is pretty strong. That's what two laps around Beacon while carrying those two?

Ren: Five.

Yang: *Panting heavily* I'm sorry guys... I don't... I don't...

Weiss: *Draped over Yang's left shoulder* Don't give up Yang! Please keep going... they all have to be getting tired!

Joan: They're catching up!

From around the corner came three figures moving at a steady by leisurely pace. Two red-heads and a brunette.

Yang: No... I can't...

Blake: Enough now Yang. You have to be so tired and sweaty... I'll be HAPPY to wash your back... and your front... for you!

Weiss: I'll use a glyph... just keep moving Yang!

Ruby: Weiss... Oh Weiss... ready for our BEST day ever?

Joan: We're not going to make it!!!

Pyrrha: Joan, sweetie, are you okay? You didn't hurt yourself did you?

Ren and Nora just sat there slurping noodles as the trio of blonds struggled to stay ahead of their pursuers.

Yang: I... hey? Joan?

Weiss: Joan your DOLT ! What are you doing?!?

Joan struggled to get to her feet as Yang staggered to a stop.

Joan: Keep going! I'll buy you guys time!

Yang / Weiss : Joan?!?

Joan: FLY YOU FOOLS!

Yang put everything she had into one last burst of energy reaching the glyph Weiss crafted just as Pyrrha, Ruby and Blake reached Joan as she struggled to balance herself on one foot.

Pyrrha: Joan? Are you HURT?!?

Joan: I might have twisted my ankle... EEP!

Pyrrha: *Scoops Joan up in a Princess Carry* That's horrible! We're going to the infirmary right now... then we'll cuddle while you're having a nap!

Ruby: This is getting dangerous.

Blake: Yes. I don't want my Blond to get injured.

Ruby: Cut them off?

Blake: Cut them off.

Nora and Ren continued to slurp noodles as Pyrrha carted off a blushing Joan, as Ruby and Blake turned around and started heading back the way they came.

Nora: So do you think any of them will remember it was my fault for leaking those texts they had about each other?

Ren: I hope not... if they can go twenty-seven laps for "love"... do you want to know what they would do for revenge?

Nora: Do you think Weiss and Yang can get...

Weiss / Yang: AAAIHHEEEE!!

Ren: Nope.

A/N So not as good as the original... but it was fun to try.

#rwby #jaune arc #weiss schnee #yang xiao long #pyrrha nikos #ruby rose #blake belladonna #arkos #whiterose #bumbleby #nora valkyrie #lie ren #female!jaune

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exhausted-archivist · 6 months

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Thedas: Not a Middle Ages Fantasy But an Ahistorical, Pre-Industrial, Mega Fauna Fantasy

Part 1: Mega Fauna

The long and the short of it? Thedas is an ahistorical world with magic, two moons, giant fauna - giants, dragons, giant bears, giant arachnids, and has some "ancient" and recent technology that would reach as late as the 1800-1900s in our timeline - such as bunsen burners, smokeless coal, table saw, thresher, heliography, and theodolite. Nothing about Thedas is a 1:1 equivalent for Earth and never has been, we know from the devs that it wasn't the intention either. From a fantasy perspective it is a blend of your typical fantasy stories with adventure, dragons, magic, elves and dwarves, varying mythology, and culture ending events; mixed with a venture into a "what if" ahistorical history.

In the case of Dragon Age, Gaider mentions it was a "what if our own history had magic and elves and dwarves?" and "how might Christianity be different if, instead of Jesus, it had been founded by Joan of Ark?" and subverting tropes of fantasy while still being recognizable: elves being brought low vs aloof and immortal; dwarves bring political schemers vs stouthearted Scotsmen; mages who were feared for good reason.

These were the basic foundations going into Dragon Age, and the spirit of those things is evident through out the series. While there are clear moments of parallels, allegories, and themes of the modern world, our world; I think that, for better or worse, the series has kept to the spirit of those foundations. Keeping things recognizable while exploring the world they've crafted, that grows as the team grows.

Its the spirit of that foundation that really lends to the idea of Thedas being a mega flora and fauna world.

Disclaimer and Considerations:

Take all of this with a grain of salt, whether you take it or leave it. Aside from the actual lore mentioned (with sources next to it) all of this is estimations and based off of known art standards or "canon" as the term is called.

Size is a hard thing to nail down in Dragon Age, the scaling and modeling between the games - main and all additional third party installment - are inconsistent at best largely due to limitations and scope of the game. Such limitations we see reflected in Bull not being 8' and instead is 6'9, the fact that the nightmare demon was scaled down because of scope. Then there are the cinematic scenes, they aren't reliable as they often have models float, sunk into the ground, or given camera angles that force perspectives.

ALT Concept art is a touch more reliable in the idea of the intention but isn't any more hard fact due to the question of if the intention was carried through or not due to tech limitations or design choices.

In consideration of concept art I want to clarify a principal used in art that I will be referencing. Traditionally when drawing characters, artists will use proportional canons. Which is when one uses the height of the character’s head as a unit, to have the proportions of the body match natural ratios. A good write up of this concept is linked here and here.

Content warning for everyone, there will be mentions and/or depictions of the following:

Multi-eyed creatures

Scorpions

Spiders

This post also includes images from the following:

The Missing comic

Dragon Age Absolution

Part 1a: Does Thedas Actually Have Mega Fauna?

Yes, they do. Now the first thought might be the obvious dragons, giants, wyverns, titans, and some magical creatures. But there are some creatures of which we have actual measurable sizes for.

I have the more "concrete" fauna separated into two categories: known sizes and comparable sizes. Known is as stated in lore, if we're given fixed numbers at any point, while comparable sizes are for creatures who we either have vague descriptions or equated to something we know the sizes for.

Comparable sizes are also separated from known sizes as they either have variations, or I am unsure of the lore for them still holds; as with anything dao, game guides, and ttrpg on this blog, these are treated and considered as canon unless clear contradictions are available.

Known Sizes

Giant spiders:

Their scale isn't measured by how high they stand on the ground or by body length but from leg to leg. Or rather that is what you would expect for them to be measured by, but it is hard to say for sure. I run with the leg to leg measurement for the provided size in canon; where they are/can be 12' / 3.65m. [Codex]

Looking at extracted game models (which aren't reliable for in-game models) the giant spider stands at 3' 11.28" / 1.2m and measures 5' 4.2" / 1.63m leg to leg.

Griffons:

Their length is 12' / 3.65m or larger with even larger wingspans. Males can weigh over 1,000 lbs / 453.59kg while females are a little less. [Last Flight ch. 2 p. 31]

For context of how big both of these are length wise, on average: Javan rhinos are 12'5 / 3.8m in length, Indian rhinos are between 10.8’-12.5’ / 3.3-3.8m in length, African forest elephants are between 7.22’-12.13’ / 2.2-3.7m in length, African Bush elephants are 10’-16.5’ / 3-5m in length, thresher sharks can be 10.5’-20’ / 3.2-6.1m long, female great white sharks have an overall length of 15’-21’ / 4.57-6.4 m; males 11’-13’ / 3.35-3.96 m. Most crocodiles exceed that with an average of 13-14' / 3.96-4.26m.

If you're like me and that just is a jumble of words, below are the size comparison to a 6' / 1.83m male figure, the scuba diver is roughly the same length as well. I had to edit the horizontal figures to compare lengths but scale wise they are still 6' / 1.83m. I also spliced together multiple images so they would be easier to see (and tumblr has a 30 image limit).

ALT [Image Sources from left to right, top to bottom: Rhinos: Javan Rhino, Indian Rhino Elephants: African Bush Elephant, African Forest Elephant Crocodiles: American Crocodile, Mugger Crocodile Sharks: Thresher Shark, Great White Shark]

Comparable Sizes

Mabari:

Stated as being as tall and as wide as dwarves*; going off the dwarf heights from Inquisition game models would put them at a range of 4'9-5'3 / 144.78-160.02cm.** This is unclear if they mean from the head or shoulder, which typically you would measure quadrupeds from the shoulder. Something to note however, the mabari extracted models from Inquisition measure at 3' 4.6" / 1.03m at the shoulder but 4' 2" / 1.27m at the head.

ALT

This is also roughly echoed in the concept art, where the shoulder height lines up with the shoulder height of the extracted model from Inquisition, however is closer to the dwarf height range when measuring from the top of the head.

Either way mabari are considered giant breeds when looking at dogs. Regardless of if they are the height of a dwarf 4'9-5'3 / 144.78-160.02cm or the height shown in the extracted model or concept art of 3' 4.6" / 1.03m at the shoulder but 4' 2" / 1.27m at the head. The largest dog in the real world was a great dane at 3' 5.18" / 1.046m.***

*[Dragon Age Tabletop (da ttrpg), Blood in Ferelden] **[Source] ***[Source]

Deepstalkers:

There is a bit of a variant with their sizing scale across all entries. From being able to curl up to be the size of boulders or large rocks.* To The Calling describes them as follows

The “stalagmite” unfolded, revealing a serpentine creature with a long and wormlike neck that ended in a maw full of sharp teeth. Its mottled skin was almost perfectly camouflaged to match the stone around it.

He noticed where the creature’s limbs folded up under its carapace, where it tucked its long neck under its body. Hidden in plain sight, the disguise was almost perfect.

Meanwhile the Missing comic shows them as being much larger than Harding, a dwarf. The ttrpg also describes them as "small reptilian creatures". There also seems to be sizes difference noted between each type of deepstalker: deepstalker, leader, and matriarch.

ALT [Image Sources: BioWare Promo Material, Dragon Age Wiki, and The Missing Comic #1]

Additional measurements include the odd 2' 6.3" / .77m from the extracted model from Inquisition which doesn't line up with the in-game sizing as they're proportionally much larger when next to a dwarf. Then when looking at the concept art scaling from the red dev book shared by Mark Darrah, they stand nearly 6' / 1.83m.

ALT

So there is a stark range of size difference as well as really any consistency when it comes to the bipedal, raptor-like, predators.

*Note the range for what is a large rock and what is a boulder is pretty vague. **This is based on various screenshots as pictured above. Comparing them to Shale, a human character, dwarves, and an elf. *** [World of Thedas (WoT) vol. 1 p. 163, Origins game guide, da ttrpg, The Calling novel, and The Missing Comic]

Dragonlings:

Specifically when they are newly hatched are the size of a deer. At the shoulder they'd be 2'8 - 3' / 81 - 91cm. Their length could be from 3'1 - 7'2 / 95 - 220cm. [Dragonling Codex] *Note the ttrpg does denote that they are the size of a young deer, which would be about 1 1/2 years old. This is distinctly different from a fawn and they are the same size height wise as a mature deer. It is simply a difference in muscle mass.

Here is a helpful comparison of a white tail deer, one of the more common deer:

ALT [Image Source]

Below is concept art from Tom Rhodes that I have cropped for a much clearer view. The shoulder height of the dragonling reaches roughly the same height as deer above.

ALT [Image Source]

Part 1b Sizing from Concept art and Development

Here, I want to look at the concept art of creatures, while acknowledging that they don't always end up on the same scale in game - due to a variety of technical reasons. As we see with the fact that spiders are not 12' / 3.65m in game nor are they close to that.

But with that in mind, we can at least glean the intention if not what might be more reflective of the lore. As we know, not all of da lore is game engine/mechanic friendly and thus there is merit in seeing if we can measure through comparison of in dev work. Especially thanks to the human comparison in some of them.

One piece of such concept art that suggests mega fauna is the design guide for da4 that was teased to us by Mark Darrah in 2016 and in the BioWare: Secrets and Stories From 25 Years of Game Development (B25) p. 274.

ALT

Using this, we can tell what might have been the intended -- again if it is not reflected in game -- size for the animals in Thedas. However, I will note for the sake of clarity that this isn't perfect reference; as some of the scaling seems to be questionable/warping. This is after all, an image of a picture in a book. I would be thrilled to see if we ever get to see a flat image of this.

But what we can see when we clean it up, and line up everything while cross referencing other concept art; the scaling seems to work out something like this with the human figure in the center being the "hero" proportions/ideals that would make his height 6'2 / 1.88m.

ALT

Great Bear

Some of the concept art that we can use for comparisons are pieces such as the concept art for the Great Bear and Quillback (development name dragon bear and vulture hyena):

ALT

Going off the stock hero height for female it is 5'6 - 5'7.5 / 1.67 - 1.71m and for males it is 6' - 6'2 / 1.83 - 1.88m. That would make a great bear roughly 10'11 - 11'2 / 3.34 - 3.42m in this concept art. However in the red book, the scaling suggest it is around 14' / 4.26m. Which is an example of how the book as reference might either be unreliable or the new updated intention for the scaling/design.

Regardless of which numbers you favor, when you look at those scales in contrast to our two largest modern bears:

Kodiak Bear: 3'4 - 5' / 1.02 - 1.52m at the shoulder, 6'5 - 9' / 1.96 - 2.74m in length, and 9' - 10' / 2.75 - 3.05m standing upright

Polar Bear: 3'7 - 5'3 / 1.09 - 1.6 m (male) or 2’8 - 3’11 / .81-1.19 m (female) at the shoulder, 7’10 - 9’10 / 2.4-3 m length, and 8’ - 10’ / 2.5 - 3.05 m standing upright Note: I have edited together the sourced images for clearer scaling.

ALT [Image Sources: Bears: Kodiak Bear, Polar Bear]

Additionally when looking at the tarot cards, which also tend to echo concept art more than the final game we see this massive and dramatic height difference for great bears.

ALT

Another varying size reference we have from concept art is this piece by Tom Rhodes comparing the great bear to the normal bear/brown bear. This is in direct conflict with the scale illustrated in the dev book, though this could simply be due to the stage of development this was created in as it looks to be a draw over of a game model when looking at the great bear.

ALT [Image Source]

Nightmare Demon

The Nightmare demon, or "Blinky" as fans call it, or "Smilely" as Varric calls it. This is however a demon so it's appearance and size can change due to influences outside of its control, I want to acknowledge that. This one was something I wasn't expecting to make a comparison with, as we know that not only was the final version of this demon scaled well as it seems that part of it was cut off in the dev book. But I found this concept art from Heroes of Dragon Age (HoDA) and I believe it roughly matches up with the dev book in terms of scale. It might be scaling larger however, I cannot say with any certainty. And when comparing it to the game model in DAI, this is actually a little smaller in comparison. The extracted game model of the Nightmare demon is 93.47' / 28.49m, while in comparison this concept art implies that it is 54.5' / 16.61m when you measure the silhouette which we can estimate to be 6'2.

ALT [Image Source]

ALT You can see how much they sized down the nightmare demon for HoDA (which is understandable given the constraints of a mobile game), especially when you scale them down to show the actual difference. Which is funny considering the nightmare demon is greatly scaled down from the original concept.

Phoenix

Another piece we have, is concept art for the phoenix. Unlike with the hero figure from before, we are estimating Orisino's height based on the height of elven game models. This would put Orisinao at 5'9 - 6' / 1.75 - 1.83m for an elven male.

ALT [Image Source]

This height reference is echoed and reinforced when we look at the dev book from B25 and Mark Darrah. When you bring the phoenix over to line it up with the hero character in the center, it puts the shoulder a phoenix is roughly 6'2. Implying that, at least for this art, Oresino is within that 5'9-6' / 1.75-1.83m range as his height is lower than the shoulder.

ALT

As you can see the extracted game model is not comparable due to the fact it, like the bears are not at all the same size as their in-game models. They are being scaled up a great deal to what we see in game. The extracted model height for the phoenix is 2' 7.4" / 0.8m, which is much shorter than their in-game counter part that shows it to be around the height of the human/elf character if not a little taller.

Quillback

Shown in the concept art with the great bear, we do have scalable concept art with the quillback and we are able to see that it does line up with the scaling for the dev book. It is also roughly the same size as the extracted game model. It's shoulder height being 4' 10.6" / 1.49m. The quillback also seems to be one of the few creatures where their in game counter part matches up with their model and concept art.

ALT

Part 1 Conclusion

As we can see with all the comparable or confirmed sizing of these creatures in Thedas, most are predators and scavengers, fairly large ones at that. So much so, it would dictate a high oxygen content in the atmosphere, plenty of prey to fuel animals of this size, and plenty of land area to allow for the biodiversity that we see. Even down to the subterranean level as well.

We know that gravity also works differently in Thedas, to a degree it is requires as to allow creatures the size of dragons and griffons fly, and giants roam the surface. But also to allow dwarves ranging from 4'9-5'3 / 144.78-160.02 cm to live 2-4 miles / 3.21-6.43 km below sea level + the distance from the actual surface. To give context, the deepest cave we've explored on earth is the Veryovkia cave at 1.37 miles / 2.12 km deep and the entrance to the cave is 1.41 miles / 2.28 km above sea level. Meaning the deepest cave doesn't even go down to sea level.

But with all that said, I'm only wrapping up here as I'm running out of image allowance for this post. I'll continue this in the next part, and if you've read this far, thank you.

Wanna support this blog? You can check out my ko-fi.

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lands-of-fantasy · 1 year

Photo

Pride and Prejudice

Classic and loose adaptions from 1940, 1967, 1980, 1995, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2012, 2016, 2018, 2019

The second of Jane Austen’s novels, first published in 1813, is the most often adapted, inspiring various different takes on it. The ones pictures above are detailed below:

Pride and Prejudice (1940 Film)

This black and white film departs from the original novel in some (or should I say many?) points

Written by Aldous Huxley and Jane Murfin, adapted from the stage adaptation by Helen Jerome; directed by Robert Z. Leonard

Starring Greer Garson as Elizabeth Bennet, Laurence Olivier as Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy, Edward Ashley Cooper as George Wickham, Maureen O'Sullivan as Jane Bennet, Bruce Lester as Mr. Charles Bingley, Ann Rutherford as Lydia Bennet, Melville Cooper as Mr. William Collins, among others.

Pride and Prejudice (1967 Miniseries)

6 episodes x 24min. Black and White footage Written by Nemone Lethbridge, directed by Joan Craft

Starring Celia Bannerman as Elizabeth Bennet, Lewis Fiander as Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy, Richard Hampton as George Wickham, Polly Adams as Jane Bennet, David Savile as Mr. Charles Bingley, Lucy Fleming as Lydia Bennet, Julian Curry as Mr. William Collins, among others.

Pride and Prejudice (1980 Miniseries)

5 episodes x 54 min Written by Fay Weldon, directed by Cyril Coke

Starring Elizabeth Garvie as Elizabeth Bennet, David Rintoul as Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy, Peter Settelen as George Wickham, Sabina Franklyn as Jane Bennet, Osmund Bullock as Mr. Charles Bingley, Natalie Ogle as Lydia Bennet, Malcolm Rennie as Mr. William Collins, among others.

Pride and Prejudice (1995 Miniseries)

6 episodes x 54 min Written by Andrew Davies, directed by Simon Langton

Starring Jennifer Ehle as Elizabeth Bennet, Colin Firth as Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy, Adrian Lukis as George Wickham, Susannah Harker as Jane Bennet, Crispin Bonham-Carter as Mr. Charles Bingley, Julia Sawalha as Lydia Bennet, David Bamber as Mr. William Collins, among others.

Pride and Prejudice (2003 Indie Film)

Loose adaption set in modern Utah, USA Written by Anne Black, Jason Faller, Katherine Swigert; directed by Andrew Black

Starring Kam Heskin as Elizabeth Bennet, Orlando Seale as Will Darcy, Henry Maguire as Jack Wickham, Lucila Sola as Jane Vasquez, Ben Gourley as Charles Bingley, Kelly Stables as Lydia Meryton, Hubbel Palmer as William Collins, among others.

Bride and Prejudice (2004 Film)

Bollywood-style Musical. Loose adaption set in modern India and England. Written by Paul Mayeda Berges, Gurinder Chadha; directed by Gurinder Chadha

Starring Aishwarya Rai as Lalita Bakshi (Elizabeth), Martin Henderson as William "Will" Darcy, Daniel Gillies as Johnny Wickham, Namrata Shirodkar as Jaya Bakshi (Jane), Naveen Andrews as Mr Balraj Uppal (Bingley), Peeya Rai Chowdhary as Lakhi Bakshi (Lydia), Nitin Ganatra as Kohli Saab (Collins), among others.

Pride and Prejudice (2005 Film)

Written by Deborah Moggach, directed by Joe Wright

Starring Keira Knightley as Elizabeth Bennet, Matthew Macfadyen as Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy, Rupert Friend as George Wickham, Rosamund Pike as Jane Bennet, Simon Woods as Mr. Charles Bingley, Jena Malone as Lydia Bennet, Claudie Blakley as Charlotte Lucas, Tom Hollander as Mr. Collins, Donald Sutherland as Mr. Bennet, Judi Dench as Lady Catherine de Bourgh, among others.

The Lizzie Bennet Diaries (2012–13 Webseries)

160 episodes x 2-8 min, available on Youtube Loose adaption set in modern US, told in a vlog format

Created by Hank Green and Bernie Su, from Pemberley Digital

Starring Ashley Clements as Elizabeth Bennet, Daniel Vincent Gordh as William Darcy, Wes Aderhold as George Wickham, Laura Spencer as Jane Bennet, Christopher Sean as Bing Lee, Mary Kate Wiles as Lydia Bennet, Julia Cho as Charlotte Lu, Maxwell Glick as Ricky Collins, among others.

Lizzie’s videos amount to 100 episodes + 10 Q&A, but shorter series enrich the story by offering other characters’ perspectives, most notably Lydia’s (and also Georgiana’s). A playlist at Pemberley Digital’s Youtube channel features them all in order.

The series has also been adapted into a book, The Secret Diary of Lizzie Bennet (2014), and spawned a sequel novel, The Epic Adventures of Lydia Bennet (2015).

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (2016 Film)

Loose adaption inspired by the 2009 novel of the same name by Seth Grahame-Smith, which adds zombies to Austen’s original story. The movie makes alterations from the zombie book as well.

Written and directed by Burr Steers

Starring Lily James as Elizabeth Bennet, Sam Riley as Colonel Fitzwilliam Darcy, Jack Huston as George Wickham, Bella Heathcote as Jane Bennet, Douglas Booth as Mr. Charles Bingley, Ellie Bamber as Lydia Bennet, Matt Smith as Parson William Collins, among others.

Orgulho e Paixão (Pride and Passion) (2018 Telenovela)

Brazilian telenovela in Brazilian-Portuguese

162 episodes x 30-40min (original version) Loose adaption set in 1910s São Paulo state, Brazil

Created by Marcos Bernstein, directed by Fred Mayrink

Starring Nathalia Dill as Elisabeta Benetido, Thiago Lacerda as Sr. Darcy Williamson, Pâmela Tomé as Jane Benedito, Maurício Destri as Camilo Bittencourt (Bingley), Bruna Giphao as Lídia Benedito, Bruno Gissoni as Diogo Uirapuru (Wickham/Willoughby), among others.

The story takes inspiration from all 6 of Austen’s major novels (plus Lady Susan), but mostly from Pride and Prejudice. Others stars include Chandelly Braz as Mariana Benedito (Marianne Dashwood) and Anajú Dorigon as Cecília Benedito (Catherine Morland).

Features 100 episodes in the International cut. The telenovela has been broadcast in other countries and languages (such as Spanish) but as far as I know, not in English.

Pride and Prejudice: Atlanta (2019 TV Film)

Loose adaption set in modern Atlanta, USA. All-black cast. Written by Tracy McMillan, directed by Rhonda Baraka

Starring Tiffany Hines as Elizabeth Bennet, Juan Antonio as Will Darcy, Raney Branch as Jane Bennet, Brad James as Charles Bingley, Reginae Carter as Lydia Bennet, Carl Anthony Payne as Rev. Collins, among others.

*****

Personal favorites: 2005, then 1995. But also: The Lizzie Bennet Diaries, Orgulho e Paixão

I also enjoyed Atlanta and, while it’s been a while since I’ve seen Bride and Prejudice, it’s got Indian musical numbers so c’mon, one gotta watch it.

Back to the closer adaptions, despite its age, 1980 is also good! 1940 is...very different, but fun in its own way.

In fact, while I find some of these versions weaker, I could find enjoyment in all of them - but maybe that’s cause I’m a sucker for P&P.

#pride and prejudice #elizabeth bennet #fitzwilliam darcy #pride and prejudice 2005 #pride and prejudice 95 #orgulho e paixão #period drama #the lizzie bennet diaries #jane austen adaptations #pride and prejudice atlanta #bride and prejudice #pride and prejudice and zombies #jane bennet #charles bingley #lydia bennet #mr darcy #mr bingley #I'll post about the other novels later #pep2005

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turtleneck-crowley · 1 month

Text

Wake up babes of the GO fandom turtleneck-crowley just dropped their most recent Magnus Opus🥰🥰🥰

Hey guys I am a eccentric genius artist of the century whose works will probably only be appreciated post mortem (self-diagnosed)

Im also very certain you would all blorbos me if I were a fictional character but alas I am a boring meat package that got birthed out of an afab physiology and thus a sack of mouldy potatoes might have been a more interesting source writing this post. (Pure hubris, part irrational resentment that you are all quite familiar with *cheeky hot wink*)

I happen to own a get out of jail free card called catch 22 which is crafted out of part sarcasm, part idgasinglefgtfoofmyfacei180dmycringethroughyearsofpainandselfrelctionthatim toocoolforyounow public image

(if you actually read that you deserve, well nothing actually except perhaps my condolences and a consensual pat on the back that implies my unlicensed diagnosis that you are in fact, not dyslexic)

Anyhow cracking on back to the sentence *sighs and rolls eyes with you*

(-I mean in the streets, not with you guys, here im babygirl with half a brain cell/true form), part wholesome idiocy, years of experience in masking, part looking presentable, part knowing how society and science and art works and trying to be in tact with my own sense of humanity as much as possible -at least to the point where I’m not breaking any humanitarian law…

And yes bitch the whole eccentric genius /madly passionate or passionately mad paradox catch 22 license holder is you af - want a gold star? ⭐️ (crowley ref) (affectionate banter)

Fact is tumblrinas like to heighten and balance their EQ and IQ agreed?

I’m hyper aware that you guys are smart enough to assess me as going through a manic phase that is on the verge of psychotic-having observed hints of madness in my recent posts deducing via your own experiences that I have gone through a strict diet of coffee, whiskey, smut that Neil Gaiman himself would tear his locks and Sir Terry Pratchett would roll in his grave, finished off with a nice slice of Hozier songs as dessert

(that’s on top of of a yet to be discovered food chain which I call the Antichrist diet footnote: please credit me after I die before my Tesla gets Edisoned

‘Tis actually a great alternative way to invoke a psychedelic experience in substitute of the more expensive and questionably unlawful way that is smoking crack *disclaimer not recommended for the faint hearted or those self-diagnosed as mentally stable)

You are perfectly correct! Here’s another gold star!!! ⭐️

In fact I am currently being yelled by my parents to come downstairs because I need to be dropped off to the asylum while I’m trying to actually do something that gives me joy (Joan of Arc eat your heart out) and I assure you I have eyes and witness my very legs , naked and hairy (and did I mention Im only wearing a slutty black bra and skirt that I wore as a swimming suit AND a pajama and now my back to the looney bin outfit?) leaving a perfectly good soup with baguettes as evidenced here

However, I would like to UNO reverse such a caring notion by giving you a purple heart 💜

and divert you with a fun little clip that displays our para social relationship that I am hoping has deepened through my superficial charm to portray our rendezvous as warm and familiar and human as our beloved Mr. Holmes and Doctor Watson:

No worries, Watson also came with the conslusion that the person he’s engaged with (more like to amiright- not us i mean, them, that’s where the analogy is cut off back into our real identities) is “not human”

Anyhow it might not be your cup of tea but at least hold the mug for a few minutes it’s worth it

Head fic: Gods of Sex and Idiocy

(If anything please see it as a game where we can title it better cause I’m shit at naming things - I call one of my plants Joe)

Hey Good Omens fandom

With the note of:

“who needs sane when you have creative”

-turtleneck-crowley

I have made a meta season 3 in my head and the stars have even sent me a playlist ??? (It’s the only one that seems to be downloaded on my wifi less phone)

Here’s the link:

Check out some of my latest posts

It’s really immersive and otherworldly

Down the rabbit hole and through the mirror you go 🐇🎩🪄

And what if season 1 is the ace route and season 2 is the sexual route so season 3 might be an aro route to defeating the enemy?

Ngk idk idc idgaf

I’m just like phone rn

(side note: why do I have the infinite capacity of taking pains (Sherlock reference) for being a mad artist instead of working on the next big physics formula answer? Good question: I’m actually just an emotional idiot aka sexy trash ✨ that’s addicted to blogging and I wouldn’t trade it for any other praise worthy status in the world 💜)

Honestly guys I sound like a sociopath but I’m really just very pained and fucked royally by circumstance that is too dramatic and gay for anyone except the loonies on tumblr to understand. I’m so disappointed by all this unjust pain and agony of the world- the children, the animals, the environment, the people that I have conditioned myself to display an eloquence so pungent it seems like I’m a cold manipulator. For if I ever showed myself for who I was to them- the judgers, the perverted, the scheming, I would surely be dead either by my own or someone else’s hands. Maybe I’m God and they just like tumblr and good omens and want to eat crepes in peace with the personality they split into 2 -preferably in Paris. Maybe they have been placed all the blame by the enemy and they are powerless to the human condition as you all are by an unknown enemy and is fated to be tortured in anxiety and pain invisible to all and the only infinite power they have is love that bleeds.

But I’ll give you and I both the peace of mind that I am an in fact just a mentally ill human whose life span is between the zones of expiration and fermentation, with a god complex, whom their closest people will never truly know how to care no matter how much they try- and in fact the more they try to help me the more they leave me in my original state- alone.

I leave you (no I’m not killing myself you idiot I’m going to the mental hospital to be molested by nightmares of demons - I literally experience it everyday- as they force me to take my sleeping pills which sinks me deeper into it-oh wait that’s kind of worse lmao) with this favorite piece of classical music of mine

Stay safe yall I love you

#good omens #crowley #good omens fandom #Spotify #aziraphale #good omens headcanons #catch 22 #my only talent is lying (aka calling madness creativity and convincing people I’m intelligent and attractive)

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