#an excerpt from a book i;ll never write | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pffbts · 2 years

Text

genre: angst; slow burn!romance; smut; a handful of fluff.

characters: kim mingyu x fem!reader | support: original characters.

word count: 20K

warnings: mentions of estranged father; mingyu + our reader, both have been aged up a bit. they`ve both stepped into their 30s just recently. although both of their 20s self will make cameos in flashbacks as the story unfolds.

excerpt: “breathless, mingyu smiles as he kisses both of your palms. pulling you into his lap, he tells himself that this is exactly where he belongs. there`s no other place like this where he can wish to live and die at the same time. he wants to engrave your name to his bones and tell you how he was only born for you.”

song suggestion: outro: her by bts

author`s note: this was a journey, of which i`m quite proud of as i`ve never written anything this long so when i started writing this during new years, i didn`t plan much of what will happen in the story. i wrote this quite slowly, spent lots of days and had a wonderful time with it even though i, of course, struggled here & there. i hope you enjoy it, & as always, thank you for staying with me, i love you very very much. happy reading!

[11:30 PM] [you were his beginning and therefore, he asks, will you finish him?]

― “huh? ah no no, i`m completely free,” mingyu says or more like lies as he turns off the oven in the blink of an eye. the pot of vegetables that took him way too long to cut with precision stayed upon the heat and even though the seasoning was done, it was no time for any excuse.

he clasps the phone against his ear with the lift of his shoulder and puts a lid on top of the pot. quickly, he moves across his kitchen to wash his hands into the sink before taking his gloves off and then dries his hands off with the kitchen towel right next to it in the next minute.

“i can hear the water running though? gyu, are you cooking? did you just…lie?” you ask him from the other line. “now don`t tell me you`re going to leave half-cooked dinner just for me?”

“um no?” mingyu says casually. with a lift of his brow, he looks up at the clock through his eyelashes, still lying through his teeth. the clock hands say 11:32 pm and he rushes to his room to find the flannel shirt he left on his study chair, right in front of his laptop.

“you must be hearing things, ______, are you sure your ears aren`t ringing?”

you shake your head as if he`s right in front of you. looking at your right, peering at the now almost empty night road clad with numerous street lights keeping you company, you waited for a taxi knowing all too well that if you decide to close your eyes now, you can picture mingyu`s face with sheer perfection. you`ll discover that smirk painted upon it as he lies mercilessly and his eyes full of mischief staring at you. as if it`s nothing. as if it doesn`t bring you back to those days.

you wondered if mingyu still has the same goodness in him and if he is the same old handsome tall boy you remember; someone whose rushed footsteps could be heard even from the place you`d be sitting at the library reading your notes at the university in the morning. you wondered what might he look like at present, now that he`s in his early 30s and works at the corporate, wearing a suit and all every morning to night– does he still look the same? will you still be able to find the familiar light in his eyes?

“you know…you don`t have to do it if you`re busy. maybe i`ll just book an uber,” you don`t hear a thing travelling from the other line except for his heavy breathing and so you try again.

“oi, partner? are you listening? i`m saying, you don`t have to come,” you convince him this time by addressing him with the old nickname you gave him from both of your university days when you hear the sound of shuffling from the other line. you were worried that maybe mingyu was compromising just because you are feeling a bit selfish tonight. “i`m here in the city, for now, we can meet sometimes later,”

“you know, sometimes…” mingyu cuts you off while struggling to put on his flannel with one hand as the other one`s busy holding the phone against his ear. there`s a shift in his voice which you notice way too quickly.

you question him back with a hum.

“like…it might sound crony but sometimes i wish i was a superhero,______, then i could just fly to you and pull your cheeks and tell you how wrong you are,” he is finally at his apartment`s entrance door, doing his best in pushing his feet into his vans. maybe he`ll skip trying to fit his heels into them and just let the end of the shoes to bend under them.

“i`m at the elevator, i`ll be there in 2 minutes. promise me, you`ll be waiting for me.”

mingyu lies again as he locks his door and starts running across the corridor towards the elevator.

he has never spoken like this to you. forget demanding a token of promise from you, he never even thought of convincing you to do anything. he knew, at that time, it would be fruitless. but maybe now, maybe he can think of this night as one of his wildest dreams.

maybe now that he`s much older and mature and has been with some flings, he knows how to navigate through such alleyways. nevertheless, it was new. the rush though, which he felt right then while running towards the elevator made him mentally teleport back to his university days when he started being more punctual about waking up early because he couldn`t bother to miss a moment of seeing you first thing in the morning.

you were always, after all, among the first few people to come to university. most specifically to take full advantage of the vast quiet library during the early morning hours. it was your favourite place on earth. you were in your element there and no one could change anything about you.

moreover, it was also the place where mingyu fell in love with you. the current rush to the elevator carried that nostalgia of an early 20s mingyu climbing the staircase, skipping two steps at a time, to get to the library a little bit faster.

“promise.” you whisper, your mouth close to the place from where he can listen to everything you say and do. “but…i just heard the keys though? are you sure you`re inside the elevator?” dragging your voice to suppress your smile and failing at the same time, you look down at the stilettos that were making your feet bleed from inside.

on the other hand with half-worn vans, mingyu finally arrives at the elevator, “actually, flash news – i`m getting out of the elevator right now.” he smiles at himself, at the blurry reflection on the closed elevator door and presses the down arrow next to it, “i`ll be there in a few, ______, wait for me,”

“you`ll not give up tonight, will you, no matter how much i say no?” you murmur under your breath, your voice becoming softer and softer as if you`re losing something inside yourself bit by bit. as if mingyu was next to you and you were whispering into his ears the answer to the question the professor was asking, just like the past, knowing damn well he didn`t read that certain topic for the class that day.

mingyu shakes his head. his reflection upon the closed elevator door is something he thanked god he isn’t showing to you right now. he is glad you are on the other line of the air with only his voice as the witness.

when he realised that you can`t really see him, he speaks, “like, i said – if i could, i would even fly to you,”

“fine then – i`ll wait for you.” you shake your head, moving the hair strands that have fallen over your face. you look up at the clear night sky, saying the next words with a sigh at the end, “come and walk me home then,” as if he is a certain someone of yours truly and you couldn`t wait for him to come and save you from this painful yearning.

the elevator door finally opens and as you drop the call on the other end, mingyu enters into the closed space and his hand drags the phone down from his ear to his heart – the speaker pressed against his clothed living heart.

yet, it was too late. you weren`t there on the other line anymore.

mingyu woke up with a sharp pain on the right side of his head and when he had opened his mouth, he discovered how dehydrated his throat and the insides of his mouth were.

“water…” he mumbled in an incoherent voice that almost didn`t sound like his own.

the room was way too dark as the curtains were drawn, allowing not a single ray of light to enter. but even in this deep, hazy lingering slumber, mingyu knew it was still nighttime. as he tried getting up, he pulled the blanket off of his upper body. within seconds, he felt every inch of his being fighting against his will and all sorts of pain erupted from every single joint of his.

moving his hand in the air across his bed, he found a water bottle on the bedside desk. lucky, he thought to himself, thank god.

he could finally quench his thirst as he gulped down almost the whole of the content from the bottle. mingyu`s head was still foggy. the corners of his eyes were sticky and when he tried opening them, even in this darkness, it felt like a chore to him trying to figure out how the hell did he end up the way he was then.

he laid back down on his bed feeling his head becoming heavier with every passing second and the pain on the right had then started spreading to the center of his skull. gripping the strands of his hair, he tried intaking deep inhales and outgiving slowed down exhales, attempting to focus on his breathing to ignore the pain, hoping miraculously that this suffering of his will disappear into the thin air just like that.

when almost half an hour went by and through the curtain, now that mingyu could finally open his eyes properly, he found the tint of daybreak filtering in. he could finally make out everything in his room, just like it should be, just like how he left everything behind last night.

lifting half of his body and the blanket of his that covered him, he searched for his phone on his bed to check the time but couldn`t find it anywhere near him, not even under the blanket just in case. he reached for it down his jean`s pocket but failed to find it there too. suddenly he followed his instinct and his hand instantly flew across the bedside desk from where he previously had found the water bottle, now empty and abandoned.

and, he was right. whoever it was, they left mingyu`s phone on the desk right next to the water bottle. they might have been worried that it would get further damaged if it stayed inside his jean`s pocket.

somehow, mingyu thought, someone took this very personal initiative to put his phone on the desk out of concern. for safety reasons or not, he was very thankful for this gesture. but he wondered who it might have been? one of his friends from university? soohyun from his department? he couldn`t really recall any of them being that responsible enough to think so critically.

also, the water bottle and the way the blanket was covering him plus his shoes – his shoes were nowhere to be found. he was still wearing his black tennis socks and mingyu, for the life of him, couldn`t think of any of his classmates` names. even if he wasn`t in the right state of his mind, he knew his friends weren`t in any better.

nevertheless, with all these thoughts spinning their own wheels in his head, he looked down at his phone. the screen brightened up and it made mingyu squint his eyes in pain as he struggled to read the time. he discovered it was 4:25 AM.

mingyu`s eyes widened, almost in confusion but it wasn`t the time that surprised him. rather it was the two text notifications from you.

half-scared, he clicked on the first one:

i hope you reached home safely. call me when you wake up.

his eyes moved down to read the next one from you sent some minutes later:

and about what you said… i`ll give you my answer someday. but not now. i`m sorry. i hope you understand. we`ll talk when you`re sober.

mingyu`s phone slipped from his hand, dropping itself into the gaps of his now folded legs. he looked up straight ahead, eyes wide and jaw slacked, at the wall of his rented studio apartment, whose colour wasn`t what it really was right then. it was somewhere in-between a mixture of the colour of the moonlight and the dawn of the new daybreak, both seeping in through the curtains, painting a whole new different sight.

he squeezed his eyes shut and fell back down, letting the weight of last night, fall upon him like a blizzard, painfully absorbing through his entire being. as everything came running back to him, he could see the previously throbbing pain inside his head peeking by the door like a disobedient child.

“you fucking idiot,” mingyu cursed and slapped both of his hands upon his face rubbing it harshly, yelling more curses at himself and into the air flowing over him.

yesterday when the finals were done and all of your and mingyu`s classmates gathered around inside the university cafeteria for the last time, one of the guys brought up the getting drunk thingy for celebration. at first, mingyu was hesitant because he knew he wasn`t a heavy drinker. he couldn`t take alcohol like a champ even though god didn`t make him look like one.

thanks, mom and dad, he probably said that to himself that time.

but nevertheless, he had to comply with their request or demand as per situation. he was almost dragged along with the guys with a well-devised intent because they knew how much the girls loved mingyu and with his presence as the catalyst, they could shoot their final shot for the last time before the graduation day closed all the curtains upon their university days.

mingyu didn`t say anything. he knew it all and he wasn`t really interested in any girl romantically that was there anyway. the only one who could fall in that category though couldn`t be forced or convinced to be in such a place. that person was probably in her room already, laying on her bed in her comfortable clothes getting lost inside the pages of one of her favourite novels.

now, mingyu`s initial plan was to drink half a glass of some light alcohol and then excuse himself out of this celebration and get back home to his studio apartment by taking a cab. but drinks after drinks filled up all the tables booked by his classmates and to go along with their countless, almost annoying demands, he drank up some shots knowing very well deep down he was going to embarrass himself in the next few minutes or if he was lucky, maybe some hours.

but he didn`t care. it was the end of his university days. he was going to graduate anyway in a few days and probably won`t see these people in the near future. if he had to be nice even if this time for simply out of an act, he might as well just do it for the last time.

of course, if his classmates still remember anything from this night when they cross each other at any street of this city, mingyu would laugh along with them like a certain foolish joke of his much younger days.

minutes passed by and mingyu soon felt everything going blurry in the field of his vision. every single object ranging from living to non-living started looking like doubles in his periphery. no matter how many times he blinked, he realized he couldn`t clear out his vision, as if he`s at the eye doctor and they`re performing eye dilation against his will. strength slowly started leaving his limbs as he tried to grip the edge of the table tighter and with his head becoming heavier with each passing second, he kept leaning over.

mingyu tried speaking in an attempt to excuse himself to the toilet but his words came out in a jumbled up pattern. he couldn`t even remember the name of the guy who was sitting next to him but he heard him laughing way too loudly in his left ear and pressing onto his shoulder with his arm.

“hey, are you okay? we didn`t even start and you`re already drunk?”

mingyu didn`t like the tone of this guy`s voice and the fact that he couldn`t remember his name irritated him further. his tone was not even a tad bit friendly and it was too loud. it almost annoyed him – this guy`s voice. mingyu rubbed his palm upon his ear soothing out his eardrums out of reflex.

“hey hey come on, man up, kim mingyu, we still have bottles to get down with!” he was shouting, this guy was shouting right into his left ear and mingyu felt an unfamiliar rage starting to boil inside him. what a piece of shit, he thought as he squinted his eyes at him, that rage then clawing at his throat.

“shut the fuck up, you asshole,” mingyu yelled at his face as he slammed his right fist on the table, making the empty bottles of beer to shake and fall over, resulting in the spilling of the leftovers inside them on other people around the table.

everyone`s eyes flew upon mingyu. for someone who had never raised his voice or had ever gotten into any fight on the campus for the last three and a half years, this was a whole new experience for his classmates. the drinks in their hands remained untouched as they stare at him, observing him like never before.

“what the fuck did you just-”

“chill out, man, it`s just a friendly banter,” soohyun, who was sitting on mingyu`s right stepped in and tried to level down the now heated situation, pulling mingyu`s hand away from the table. “he`s probably drunk,” he mouthed the other guy from over mingyu`s head.

“i was just kidding, man, didn`t know you won`t like being here,” hyunwoo, that was his name at whom mingyu shouted now spoke up. he could finally remember his name somehow.

“you`re right, i`m not liking anything right now,” mingyu started declaring, words spilling without any filter and there was no one to stop him because nobody really expected him to say the next things.

“so what if i can`t drink? i don`t fuck with drinks one bit. i just, i just want to go home.” he tried standing up, supporting himself by leaning forward, pressing down both of his palms against the table, “i don`t even want to be with you all right now. you guys are so fucking annoying. this is why ______ didn`t come.”

raising his heavy head, mingyu looked around, as if searching for a lost piece of the puzzle in the crowd, a familiar set of eyes and tears brim in both of his own as he couldn`t find the face he was hoping for. the only thing he met with were eyes filled with question marks.

“where is _______? why isn`t she here? why did i even come here when she didn`t even bother coming here….doesn`t she want to see me for the last time? does she hate me?” even though, he had himself announced why you didn`t come, half of his thoughts flew over his head and he started acting like a complete drunkard by then.

by this time, everyone around the table was looking at mingyu with half-open mouths as he questioned them one by one to answer him with words he already knew in his heart. they were too stunned to say anything. your name spilling out of his mouth could`ve been enough for everyone to drop anything that was in their hand if not it was not foreign to them. your name coming out of mingyu`s mouth wasn`t new to them because they knew how both of you were involved in lots of projects together as partners. but this was the first time he was talking about you in such a gesture.

he was looking for you at every corner of the cheap restaurant his friends were gathered inside, with a profound yearning in his eyes that could only be conveyed by the redness of his eyes and the tears running down his cheeks.

they had no idea that he had thought of you like that which further proved how nobody knew much about mingyu even though he was probably the most friendly and open-hearted guy on the whole of their campus. everyone loved him and everyone just assumed in their head that they knew everything about it. it was not until this moment that they learnt that mingyu, too had someone he cared for in such a way, that he too had his own weak moments.

his classmates had countless questions in their heads. some thought if you knew about his feelings and some thought if something had happened in-between both of you and that you had dumped him or something. they were a bit enraged at the latter thought because how could anyone reject the kim mingyu. even the thought of such action sounded silly to their ears.

some of them admired mingyu and his yearning for you that made him go reckless like this. they looked at this new side of his like watching a rare delicate piece of history stored safe and sound in a museum far away from the public eyes. their eyes were fixated upon his mouth which said words, asked questions they never thought someone like mingyu would do.

witnessing the most charming boy on the campus having an emotional breakdown over a girl in front of almost more than half of his classmates while being heavily drunk was not something they could laugh or cry at. they didn`t even have any words until they saw mingyu collapsing into his chair.

the guys around mingyu tried to see if he was still conscious. but what they saw was the face of the campus charmer covered in overflowing tears and snots, some already dried up and some still fresh on his beautiful honey skin.

in the end, there was no strength in mingyu`s legs. his two strong long legs, of which he took pride in, were practically limp and useless when his classmates tried to carry him to the cab that one of the girls called right up.

both hyunwoo and soohyun, who were sitting on either side of mingyu took the initiative to drop him home. but when the cab driver asked them about the destination address, their faces went blank.

both of his classmates realized that mingyu had never even given out his street name, that`s how private he was. with a palm against his head, soohyun asked the other friends who were standing outside the cab if any of them knew his address to which one of the girls, mina chirped in, “i know mingyu never told us where he lives but i`ve heard _______ had gone to his place once when he was sick and didn`t attend college during one of their project works.”

“_______” soohyun said your name and then looked down at his shoes thinking hard and realizing something he looked back at others, “but none of us has her number! what`re we gonna do now?”

“oi, what about mingyu? if he had done projects with her, maybe he has her number?” hyunwoo, who was sitting next to a half-conscious mingyu in the middle of the cab piped in.

as suggested, they looked for his phone which was luckily inside his jeans. thankfully the phone wasn`t password protected and when they checked his contacts, they found your name right away.

without any hesitation due to the complicated situation, soohyun had called you immediately.

“hello, _______?”

apparently, you had picked up your call after quite a long time. his friends had almost lost all their hopes by then.

inside mingyu`s quite unclear memory recall while he was sitting on his bed still in his last night`s clothes, considering he had just right then sobered up, he remembered his friend calling you, asking for the address. and, you probably asked them why were they asking you his address to which they had done a run-through of mingyu`s situation, of course, minus whatever he said about you.

mingyu remembered at a certain point during this call with you, by the time you had already told them his address, he had gained some consciousness. although he was still terribly drunk, in that same uneven headspace, he had snatched his phone away from soohyun and pressed it against his own ear.

from the other line, he could still hear you speaking unaware that soohyun wasn`t on the other line anymore.

“…you should also buy him some hangover medici-” before you could complete what you were trying to say to his friend, mingyu cut you off by saying your name in a voice that had the remnants of his previous breakdown.

“_______, can you hear me?”

mingyu starts, his voice dragging and his eyes unfocused.

“mingyu? hey, i was still talking to your-” the concern in your voice changed its tone. you were now scolding him and mingyu smiled. he almost laughed.

“______, i want to tell you a secret, okay? don`t tell this to anyone but i love you,” mingyu confessed suddenly in a whisper and then he laughed. hyunwoo, who was sitting next to him, looked at him bewildered. every single one of the classmates that were standing there leaned more into the cab trying to listen to what mingyu was saying and soohyun, who felt like dying there, slammed the cab door shut not letting any of them peer in further.

the sound of the door slam had probably reached your ear for sure but you didn`t say anything.

“mingyu,” after a passage of time, you say his name.

“haha no no maybe you should definitely tell people that i love you, i won`t mind!”

“mingyu, you`re drunk.”

“you think so too? i think i`m drunk too, we`re really partners, aren`t we? we know each other so well,” he said to you, “______, i don`t think i`ve ever felt like this in my whole life. i`m looking out of this cab`s window and all i can see is you, and my name….” mingyu smiled sheepishly as he rested his chin upon the place from where the cab`s glass window slides out, feeling the night air embracing him. “it`s sounds beautiful when you say it,”

“i didn`t know that…” in a voice that has almost lost its life, you play along with him.

“exactly. i don`t know. i feel like i`m on a train and everything is rushing past my window. but instead of normal scenarios, i see your face. i see your tired eyes, your lack of sleep, looking at me as if i`m late to college again. the smudge of ink in-between your fingers, i can see it all. when you don`t smile just to please others because you don`t want to be someone else, you`re yourself. but when the moment is right, you smile and i love you so much when you do so but i can`t tell you that because what if you don`t feel like that for me. what if you reject me? what if you disappear? i can see you disappearing, _______, you`re vanishing into thin air every single time. i don`t know what i`ll do with all these feelings i`ve for you, ______. i feel like crying but i can`t cry because i don`t want you to think i`m weak.”

silence prevailed on the other line but mingyu was unaware of it because he wasn`t himself right then. few seconds later, as the same silence became heavy like hot iron in the air, you said his name yet again.

“mingyu? are you okay?”

“i yearn for you, _______,” mingyu puts down his head, pressing his left palm against his forehead to soothe out the uncomfortable pain he was feeling inside his head. as if the conscious part of his head was knocking tirelessly upon the door which had been locked from outside, trying desperately to get out and pull this current speaking mingyu that he didn`t even know himself, out of his way. “i think if i didn`t love you this ardently, maybe i could have told you more about it but i can`t now. i`m so scared, ______, i wonder what kind of face you`re making. you – you probably hate me now, don`t you?”

“i don`t hate you, mingyu,” you replied to him, “i think you shouldn`t speak anymore. you`re drunk and exhausted. i think you should first reach home and sleep. i`ll talk to you later, okay?”

but mingyu wasn`t listening anymore. he had already passed out with his phone slipping out of his hand.

mingyu thought loud and hard. he tried to remember what happened next but he couldn`t, for the life of him, recall any other happenings after that. he didn`t remember anyone dragging his heavy body to his bed, taking his shoes off, putting a fresh bottle of water and his almost broken phone upon the desk and covering him with his blanket.

if anyone had any thought of it, they could`ve murdered him in his sleep and he would`ve had no idea. his temporary loss of consciousness would`ve been as permanent as the setting stone of the blunder that he created by confessing to you every single thing that he had kept in an invisible airtight jar inside his heart, protecting it with his whole body and soul for the last three and a half years.

mingyu turned over, dragging the blanket over his head. like a child inside its mother`s womb, mingyu curled himself up. closing his eyes, he hid underneath his measly blanket that night and dreaded for the fast arrival of the graduation day or even worse, the next time he would talk to you.

thankfully though you had not called him the next morning. mingyu had only sent you a text telling you that he was okay. at first, both of you pretended nothing happened last night but then later that afternoon you had called him asking if he was truly okay.

mingyu was scared as hell to pick up your call but as his phone kept ringing and ringing, it hit him that if he didn`t pick up the call, you would probably think he got sick or something. so hurriedly he picked up his phone lest you took any other action before clearing his throat of all the nervousness, putting on an act of normalcy.

“hey,” he greeted you from his side of the line.

“how are you feeling?” no greetings whatsoever, you were to the point. right, this is exactly why he loves you. every single second he spends with you both physically or not, it`s like a constant reminder to him why he fell for you the way he fell for you. mingyu laughed a little and felt his chest tightening.

“i`m fine, ______,”

“what about food? did you eat any? or did you throw up? i heard when people get a hangover, they throw up and get terrible headaches. are you really okay?”

the rush in your voice only made things heavier inside mingyu`s chest. he leant against the wall and held the phone only closer to his ear trying to imagine what kind of face you were making right then.

“i`m really absolutely fine, ______, you`re worrying for no reason,”

“if you`re saying the truth then i`ll take your words,”

“i`m not lying, i promise,”

for some seconds, everything was silent on both ends of the line. at one point mingyu wasn`t even sure if you were even there on the other line so he pulled his phone away from his ear and checked the screen and saw that, no, you were still there.

it was clear that both of you were meaning to say something but none of you knew how to start out the right words. as for mingyu, he knew he wouldn`t even dare to utter a single syllable related to whatever the fuck happened the previous night. even the thought of it made him wish the walls of his room would just slam against each other with him in-between, bringing his demise right then.

but asking for death and the act of death is two different things. the first one is always the easiest door to unlock when someone feels lost but the second one needs the purest form of courage in the world which mingyu knew he didn`t possess. more importantly, he seriously didn`t even want to die. he can`t just stand not seeing you again.

“mingyu…i think we should talk about what you said last night,”

of course, it`s you who always broke the ice wall standing awkwardly in-between both of you. mingyu wanted to punch a hole through the wall.

“i – i really don`t know what to say….i feel like whatever i`ll say, it will just come out wrong,” he replied to you.

“it`s alright. i understand,” he can hear the smile in your voice and relief washes over him. he waited for you to say more.

“of course, it`s hard for you to talk about it. but i just want to say that, thank you for loving me, mingyu.”

“you really don`t have to….”

“just because. i respect your feelings. although i know i`ll only break your heart by saying how i can`t reciprocate your feelings, i just want to convey what you confessed to me was what you felt for me. thank you for baring your soul to me and more importantly, for giving me your heart.”

“it`s alright,______, i don`t blame you,”

“yes – but i wish you blame me even for a while. i know, you`re too good to blame me yet….”

“see? you know it exactly, i can never blame you.”

“but i know i`m hurting you. even right now, i know you`re probably in pain too but i don`t even know what to say to ease that pain right now.”

“you don`t have to say anything. just don`t stop being my friend, you know, even after we graduate,”

“of course, we`ll stay friends. you`re my partner after all. but, i`ll make sure to cherish your feelings for me. i`ll keep your heart safe and sound. i promise. are you listening to me, mingyu? i`ll keep it warm here with me and when there`ll come a time you decide to give it to someone who loves you back, unlike this selfish me, i`ll send it back to you,”

mingyu laughed but his vision was blurry. he looked up at the ceiling not letting the tears fall off. gulping down the pain inside his throat, he replied to you.

“yes of course, you can keep it for now. i believe you.”

“mingyu, i hope you`ll always be happy. i`ll pray for all your dreams to come true.”

“you too. you have to be happy, _______, i love you after all.”

“now don`t make me cry,”

“i can`t even dream of doing that to you,”

“take some rest,”

“i love you, ______”

“i know. i`ll always remember that.”

approximately 40 minutes ago, when he saw an unknown number flashing upon his phone screen, mingyu, at first decided to ignore it and continued seasoning the veggies in the pot aka his dinner for tonight. he had had a busy day at work and almost saved his ass some hours back from getting to spend another overtime so he deserved something good and thus, here he was treating himself to a lavish self-cooked dinner within the comfort of his own apartment.

but mid- sprinkle, a tug in his heartstrings drew him in as the ringing of the phone continued.

he tugged onto his lower lip, wondering, who would be calling him this late at night? his boss? eh, no way.

he shook his head, scoffing a bit, waving away the thoughts mid-air.

in the end, though, he gave in. one of his hands still had the seasoning against them when he finally picked his phone up and as he finally received the call those same seasonings were the last thing he was concerned for as your voice traversed from the other line.

it hit him right in the chest that 5 years and nothing has changed about your voice. his neck warmed up when he realized how much he has missed hearing this sound. he was flustered that he could still recall what you sounded like as if he has been hearing your voice for the last 5 years.

it was true though that mingyu had waited 5 long years for you to finally call him back. after unfortunately losing your number when his phone slipped from his loose grip into the stream that was next to the university you both graduated from, he couldn`t find a way to contact you again.

he tried his hardest though. but long after a handful of attempts at it, he realized that you weren`t really the type to give your number around the campus like free hugs. you just didn`t care about making quite a lot of friends in the first place. it sounded like a chore to you. having a fistful of them was enough, but your relationship with them used to end right when you exit from the campus gate every single time. he wondered if you`re still the same at wherever you work now.

in all these though, mingyu was still an exception but it`s solely out of his luck.

it was for the first ever joint project among all the other future ones, that he had acquired your number. at first, you had tried your best to avoid giving it to him. you said you only emailed. mingyu didn`t believe you at first. which was true because you weren`t speaking the truth either. that was the first time he learned how to lie with not a hint of hesitation and it was from you.

so mingyu knew even if you accuse him of lying tonight, the rest of the fingers will be pointing at you. you have to accept your defeat anyway.

you gave it away though – your phone number, because mingyu said he`s way too lazy when it came to emailing and you were too worried for your grades to drop.

but fate was a bitter candy to chew on because mingyu lost it as soon as you both graduated. and, not just that, but he also lost the ability to even face you.

the reason being that phone call confession to you. when finals were done and he was drunk for the first time in his life and losing the train of conscious thoughts, he had confessed his burning love for you. the thought, the fear of not seeing you again made its way through his veins that night. the call only ended with you telling him to return home safely while he had snot and tears running all over his face.

now that he looked back at it, you had promised to call him from time to time probably to keep in contact with you like friends but 5 years went by and you never called him around. mingyu hoped you have forgotten about that confession already.

“i changed my number,” you confessed on the other hand, “because i was out of the country, i discarded my old sim card,” you told him when he had picked up your phone tonight.

ah yes, mingyu recalls, you did go right out of the country as soon as you graduated because of your job. that`s why it was harder for him to look for you. you weren`t even there around him anymore.

mingyu wished he had not argued with you back then and had taken your email instead. at least, your id would`ve been still auto-saved in his sent box.

“i came back one month ago, to join my new job and when i went to visit my mother, i found the notebook in my room from my college days in which i stumbled upon your number,” mingyu waited for you to say more but he had already closed his eyes, the hand that was covered in seasonings was in a tight fist.

the image of him being helpless after losing your number came running back to him while he was completely unaware of his own number staying scribbled into the pages of your notebook.

“and i suddenly remembered the last time we talked,” he heard you let out a small laugh, probably recalling his drunk confession and their call the next afternoon. something he wished you didn`t remember at all.

mingyu shook his head, in embarrassment. he wanted to hide but he couldn`t so instead he uttered not a single syllable.

“i`ve been unfair to you, gyu,” you said suddenly, as if guilty. the lack of sound from the other line made you self-conscious, “i`m being selfish right now, right? calling you like this, out of nowhere? you must think i`m weird.”

“no, no it`s my fault too. actually, i dropped my phone into the stream at our university, that`s why i couldn`t call you anymore. i wish i had your email though,” mingyu scoffed a bit, “you were right, phone numbers are useless.”

“hey don`t say that. we wouldn`t be talking right now if i still didn`t have your number noted down,”

“yeah but don`t say you`re being selfish. you must have your reasons.” his fist loosens and mingyu kneads the cabbage in the pot with his fingers as he continues, “you always have your reasons, _____.”

“i`m literally waiting for a taxi to return home while standing in front of my workplace, i don`t think there`s any reasonable motive for me to call you at such an ungodly hour. i almost sound like i`m drunk on something.”

mingyu looks up from the cabbages, concern laced with his voice, “you are standing in front of your workplace? this late?”

“yes, i just finished my overtime. what about you?”

ah yes, overtime, mingyu knew that buddy a bit too well.

he gave it a thought, the question that you asked him. something in him was telling him that if he can say something apart from the truth of the moment maybe things will end on a different note tonight. maybe he can try taking a chance with his luck in this gamble of fate.

“i`m,” he gulped. his eyes surveyed his place and settled on the sofa in the middle of his living area, “i`m just lying on my sofa, you know, watching television,” he bites down his lower lip as soon as he finished. he could only wait for your answer.

but instead came in a question.

“so, you`re free now? i didn`t interrupt something, right?”

“no no you didn`t,” mingyu was about to let you answer but then he decided something on spot, “where`s your workplace though?”

“my workplace? um…,” you hesitate a bit but knowing how mingyu is probably the most harmless dude to ever exist in your walk of life, you continued, knowing he was waiting for you on the other line, “at ________ street, building no. 45. it`s actually near to our university. why do you ask though? are you gonna come and give me a lift?”

mingyu heard you laughing again, “no i was thinking what if i could walk you home – you know, like old times, when we were still doing our projects for the college.”

“that would be lovely but we`re past those days.”

“i think we can still do that though?”

“we can?”

“yes, why not.”

“gyu, tell me honestly, are you really free right now to even talk this long? don`t you have anything to do? like sleep, for example? you must be tired from your work too.”

“huh? ah no no, i`m completely free,” mingyu lies, his shoulder already supporting his phone against his ear and his clean hand reaching towards the oven to switch it off.

unlike you, mingyu didn`t have to wait for any taxi or book an uber to help with travelling. two years ago, with his very own money, he had bought his dream motorcycle.

right now, although winter was at its wit`s end, the remaining of the chilled air flowed through mingyu`s flannels, having a silent battle with him as he pushes onto the acceleration furthermore to reach you faster. right then, nothing could stop him from reaching out to you. because now he`s older and definitely not drunk. now he`s on a road where he knows how to sort out his feelings. he knew it right away that these well-known feelings lingered long enough to grow a home inside his ribs without him being aware of it when he heard your voice tonight after the five years of drought.

he thought, if you had taken two steps forward to reach out for him tonight, he is bound to take twice more steps to reach you. his legs are longer, after all, he can always enjoy the privilege of reaching to you faster – so why must he lose this perfect chance?

when he finally got to the street you mentioned during the call, he looked for the building in front of which you are currently waiting. some of the buildings that he was now slowly driving by had lit up glass windows and people were still working inside them.

when mingyu was still in university, this sight looked fascinating to him. being a night owl, he loved it back then to look forward to the future days when he would be spending nights like this.

but it was not until he started working that he realized that everything was just a lie. a fantasy that he created inside his head. being a night owl doesn`t necessarily mean you`ll love working overtime late into the night, sometimes into the next morning. mingyu clicked his tongue as he passes by the high rise corporate buildings. even though he belonged to the world inside these buildings, the sights don`t look beautiful anymore rather it wears him down from within.

seconds go by and he finally sees a woman standing in a beige long coat that reaches past her knees, her arms folded over her chest, a clear picture of defence from the cold. her hair is shorter than he has last seen, the strands in the front were longer which fell across her face. as mingyu reaches close to the familiar figure he makes out the constant hesitation in her feet that adorned those high stilettos – a proof of discomfort.

a nostalgic smile adorns underneath his helmet as he recalls that one conversation he had with you in the past when both of you would sit at the bus stand and watch all the female office workers walk by in their heels and pencil skirts, “i would never do that.” you had declared, out of nowhere.

“working in an office?” mingyu asked, completely missing the topic. in his defence though, he could actually never imagine you being tied down to the corporate world. the chains and shackles looked like they would falter against the sheer determination you had in your eyes.

“no – i meant those devil shoes. i`m never wearing them when i get a job. i`ll fight with my all to wear my ballerina flats all along,”

clearly, you had failed to understand the hard truth then and mingyu didn`t question you. after all, he too dreamt of many impossibilities.

the more he drew close to you, he felt something pushing his heart from underneath his ribs. he felt it throbbing painfully against his sternum and then flowing all the way up to his throat. soon enough, he was afraid, it would find its home inside his mouth and words that have been stored deeply within himself will melt under your gaze like an abandoned ice cube left outside under the sun unannounced.

as if mingyu`s heart can feel its home approaching and like a child, it wants to peek outside from the car`s window to know what it`s like to find yourself where you truly belong.

mingyu knew it was you from far away. he knew it was you because he has seen you from this distance for the longest time ever. he knows the bridge of your nose, your lips and their curves. he didn`t know their texture but he knew they would be soft, he could almost swear by that thought. he knows how you stand with your hands folded over your chest, pressing down against your breasts. he wonders if it hurts when you press down upon them.

he knows your outline as if he has chased down your shadows in the past. he knew it was you because the wind let him know when it caressed your face and the strands that has fallen carelessly against your forehead flew aside letting your side profile be the brightest thing on the street right then. he drew close to you, the sound of his motorbike making you turn your face around and mingyu went breathless as if he has ran miles upon miles on foot to witness all this.

from the left corner of your eyes, you saw something approaching. it wasn`t a taxi, that you were well aware of but you still looked, to wonder, who might be driving by this late if it`s not some four-wheeled transportation or a bus nevertheless.

instead, you saw him.

after five long years, you were proved wrong. mingyu looked even more handsome now and yet the flannels remind you of the old days. although half of his face was hidden under his helmet, you can still make out from his build as he is now some few feet away from you.

you felt the corner of your lips lifting unconsciously. your eyes, they flickered and when mingyu finally stops his bike in front of you taking his helmet off, you only shrugged.

“i thought you were supposed to walk me home,”

“i thought this way i can reach out to you faster,” he says as he turns off the ignition.

“liar.” you step down the curb, placing both of your palms against the cool metal of the bike`s oil tank, “you are always lying,”

with your head down as if figuring out the colour of mingyu`s bike under the street lamp, you spread your fingers.

you knew, deep down, you were hesitant to meet with mingyu`s eyes. you were worried of what they held. you were scared of the questions that will be there and of whatever words they will convey to you without the help of his voice.

you let the silence engulf you and the little amount of sounds that the vehicles made while passing by you and him.

mingyu, on the other hand, has way too many thoughts inside his head running around like little toddlers in a children`s park. he can`t nitpick one out of them as they slip through the gaps of his fingers like liquid nitrogen vapours.

licking his dried lower lip, he peeks at you – you, whose head is down and what seems like soft, feather-like strands of hair obscuring the expression that you bore. the only thing that is in his field of vision is your mouth and against both of its corners the hint of a smile. the urge to kiss you is always there but the time of fulfillment is never in his favor.

“do you want me to give you a ride back home or….?” he asks softly, unsure of what other option he can put after that. let`s go to my place? hah. he can only ask that if he`s willing to let the ground underneath him swallow him up, right when those words leave his mouth.

you look up straight ahead, still determined not to look at mingyu`s face. shaking your head, you stole a glimpse of his attention upon you by mistake from the corner of your eyes.

“no?” mingyu asks, confused, shaking his head slightly.

“i haven`t had anything since my lunch.” you declare suddenly, after letting out a loud exhausted sigh. your lungs inhaled a vast amount of air and it is then that you realize that you weren`t filling your lungs up enough since mingyu has stopped in front of you. his presence only confronts a surge of breathlessness.

“i don`t think any good restaurant is open this late. it`s almost past midnight.” the jiggle of his metal wristwatch indicates that he is indeed speaking with confirmation.

“that`s why, take me to your place.”

“what?” mingyu chokes upon his words. his eyes go wide at your suggestion and as he keeps looking at half of your face, trying to figure out if you aren`t joking with him or not, his eyebrows travel further up almost reaching the start of his hairline.

“i`m not kidding, gyu,” you tilt your head, chin tenderly resting on your left shoulder`s edge. you were finally looking at him.

it`s a success, you say to yourself in your head. you`ve finally caught him off guard. now you can talk to him normally without getting flustered. all you had to do is find that empty space in your conversation with him to defeat anything that might spark mingyu`s signature cockiness to spur out in the vast openness. “think about it – i`m hungry and you`ve half-cooked food probably on your oven, dying to be cooked which means you`ve not eaten your dinner yet.”

by the time you spoke about his uncooked dinner, your eyes has caught the glimpse of shock inside mingyu`s eyes, thus confirming you were right with your theory. you bit the insides of your mouth, giving your all at not breaking into a chuckle.

“and, most importantly, two friends meeting after five years – we`ve got a lot to catch up, don`t we? or do you plan to ditch me by spewing some nonsense like it`s improper to be with a man this late at night – a man who`s my closest mate from college? that - what might people around us think?”

“no – i didn`t say-” his eyebrows creased a bit as mingyu started, all defensive.

“surely, you`ve brought in girls, haven`t you, gyu? for some pretty lil’ one night stands?” your voice carried a teaseful mirth. you hoped your words didn`t offend him though as you can`t recognize yourself right at this moment. this is the persona of yours which guards itself up at any situation, this is you but more hideous and borderline cunning.

it was clear that you were playing around with him. maybe just a bit slightly. the humane part of you felt guilty because this looked partly manipulation in your eyes. but it was this unusual emotion that has sprung from the deepest part of you that made you do what you`re doing. at first, when you had called mingyu, you wanted whatever this was to end with the call but when you felt the shaky desperation travelling through the other line from mingyu, the urge only grew stronger.

it was evident, so painfully palpable that he, too wanted to see you as much you wanted to see him and it became the final catalyst in this equation of you and him.

as soon as you`ve landed back upon this city, a place on earth both of you share memories and presence with, it tried to fill up that gigantic void inside you. it was uncomfortable and weeks later, while you sat in front of your computer at your workplace, it dawned upon you that, yes, you get it now.

it`s because of everything that happened right before graduation and how you carried this huge secret inside yourself. you couldn`t tell anyone about it and it makes your chest heavy when you think of it. you thought if you had told mingyu the complete truth maybe things would`ve been different now. maybe this 5 years of emptiness wouldn`t feel so heavy.

but soon enough, mingyu was in front of you and you witnessed what you were dreading to feel in your bones. you wanted this to last long – long enough for your urge to be filled with satisfaction. this certain incompleteness to complete. a part of your puzzle missing from the box set. it was just the desperation of re-living those days of college with mingyu. you know you can`t go back to those days. but that doesn`t mean you can`t give this moment a chance.

“i – yeah, i mean, no i guess, yeah sometimes but –,” he squeezes his eyes, thinking clearly, basically practically failing to do that in a proper fashion, “you`re different. i really don`t want people to think of you that way.”

“they will not because i`m not going to do anything of that sort. you think i called you for that?”

“i don`t know what to say about the first sentence but no, to answer your question, i know you will never call for such things – like i said, you`re not like that.”

“good. then do me and your uncooked dinner a favor and move fast. my stomach feels like it will wither up at this point.”

“wait, but how do you know i have uncooked food on my oven?”

you roll your eyes at his question as you climb behind mingyu, one hand gripping onto his shoulder for support, “you`ll run away if i tell you how much i know about you. now start this thing, partner.”

the night of mingyu`s confession, you were only starting to read letter`s to milena by franz kafka. as the finals were done, you felt like you could finally settle down on your bed in the most comfortable posture and delve yourself into some literature.

but right when you were onto the third letter that kafka had sent to milena from meran in april 1920, you heard your phone buzzing which you had left upon your study desk on the other end of your room after you came back from your university.

it`s a habit of yours to not be around your phone or laptop whenever you`re trying to read a decent book. it keeps your span of attention stable.

at first, you didn`t bother yourself with the buzzing. you ignored it and continued reading. but as more and more seconds passed by and the buzzing just didn`t seem to stop, you huffed in annoyance and got up from your bed, walking to your study desk to pick up the call.

it was mingyu and instantly, you rolled your eyes. receiving the call, you were ready to scold him for disturbing you even though he should be partly aware of your personal indulgence like reading books whenever you`re free and yet to your surprise what you heard was not mingyu`s voice. instead, it was soohyun`s rushed and concerned voice.

“soohyun? what…what are you doing with mingyu`s phone?”

feeling extremely worried, you wanted to know what was happening.

“hello, _____?” you heard him greeting you from the other line.

“yeah, i`m here – but what is happening?”

to which, soohyun explains what went down that night. he said, he and hyunwoo were thinking of dropping an almost passed out mingyu to his place but they were unaware of the address. soohyun did confess that mina had told them how once you`ve gone to mingyu`s studio apartment because he was sick so they thought maybe you`ll know his address.

this information sounded completely unbelievable to your ears. the probability of mingyu, who can hang out with anyone from 6 to 60 and stir up a conversation at any point, not telling even his closest friends with whom he could be comfortable enough to get drunk with his street name was very low in your head. you thought you were the only one who didn`t know what was going on half the time inside this guy`s head and now suddenly you`re completely proven wrong.

although it wasn`t the time to feel slightly special about yourself with soohyun`s desperate voice begging you to convey mingyu`s address, you still scratched the top of your head, feeling a bit flustered.

in the end you did tell them his address but your instinct said that you shouldn`t trust them at dealing with mingyu, especially when he was in such a horrid condition. plus, you also wanted to respect mingyu`s well-preserved privacy and told his friends what they were supposed to do.

you drew out a plan right on spot.

“soohyun, although i`m telling you the address, you`ll not drop him off in front of his place. there must be a reason why he never wanted to publicize his address. he wasn`t really thrilled to see me when i had gone to see him but i had my reason, we were doing our projects and he was suddenly absent. he could`ve just called me if he wasn`t that sick enough to be able to get up from his bed.”

“so? what`s your plan? what are we going to do?”

“you`ll drop him at [street name] and i`ll be waiting there for you guys. considering only i know his place, i`ll take him there and take care of the rest.”

“will you be okay? i mean, mingyu is as you know, quite a big guy,”

“i`ll be fine. his privacy is more important to me than anything else but before that, you should also buy him some hangover medici-”

mid-sentence, you heard some shuffling from the other line and the next thing you knew, mingyu was saying all types of new things to you.

things like how much he loves you which sounded at first like a lie to you but then you remembered he`s drunk so these were most probably the purest forms of his feelings – things that he had bottled up inside himself and had not found the right time to tell you.

when you kept saying his name and convincing him that he was drunk, he only agreed with you and kept telling maybe that`s why he was telling you all these.

you were by then sitting on your study chair, your left arm resting on the tabletop, fist loosely clenched. from the point he had started talking, mingyu`s voice changed a lot. towards the end he was crying, his throat was sore and it felt like he was already crying even before he had snatched his phone away from soohyun. you didn`t know much about what was going on there. you didn`t know if soohyun was hiding anything from you at all but all you knew was that you were in pain yourself.

you told mingyu to get back home and sleep but from the other line, you couldn`t hear anything. you kept saying hello and seconds later, soohyun was back on the line.

“what happened to him? is he okay?” you ask, worried laced in your voice.

“i think he passed out. he`s been constantly passing in and out. we really need to get him home. we`ll drop him at the place you said but if you need any help, you can call us.”

“sure, but soohyun, i want you to promise me something,”

“what is it?” as he asked you the question, he instructed the driver to start the car and you heard the engines roaring to life.

“don`t ever tell mingyu that i picked him up from where you left him,”

“what? but? but what if he remembers everything?”

“he will not. if he knew he was talking to me, he wouldn`t have said all those things to me in front of everyone,”

soohyun doesn`t say anything at first and then he spoke up in a voice of realization.

“right, exactly. i`m kinda embarrassed not going to lie,”

“if he asks how did you guys get his address, tell him it was me and that you, soohyun, you were the one who dropped him at his place, and did everything necessary after that. save my number in your phone, ping me once and after i`m done taking care of mingyu, i`ll text you the details of what i did so that if he ever remembers anyone putting him to bed, he`ll know it was you.”

again, soohyun didn`t speak for a while. you were internally praying that he would just play along with you. even though you`ve never hung out with him that much, you knew he was a decent guy. he was good in studies, had perfect grades and wasn`t much of an insincere person. still, you prayed long and hard. what if soohyun didn`t agree with you? what if he had told the truth to mingyu if he ever remembered anything from tonight?

“i understand why you`re telling me to do this, _______,”

“right? i knew you would understand,”

“but you do know, for the rest of our lives, mingyu will never know what you`re doing for him. getting free credits is not something i`m a fan of, you know,”

“i understand. i completely get where you`re coming from but soohyun, please, i`ve never asked anything from you. i`ll forever be grateful to you if you do me this one favor.”

“it`s alright, i`ll do what you said. we`ll follow your plan,”

as promised, soohyun and hyunwoo did drop mingyu off at the place you had previously stated.

and, soohyun was right, mingyu was indeed heavy which you were previously well- aware of. he was almost towering over you from the side. you weren`t really wearing a decent outfit to carry all that weight. you were just in your black wide-legged track pants and a grey hoodie and you were already holding his bag on your other shoulder while his phone and wallet were in your own pockets.

it took almost 5 minutes for you to drag mingyu to his studio apartment. thankfully the elevator was halted on the ground floor or else you would have to wait and almost break your back further with mingyu supporting most of his body weight over you.

soohyun had already given you the keys to mingyu`s place when he had taken out things from his jean`s pocket for your convenience.

unlocking the door, you supported mingyu and decided to let him lay back down on his bed at first. you ran back, locked the door from inside and rushed back by his side, untying his shoelaces.

in your head, you kept repeating it to yourself that you had to be quick. you had to make sure nothing goes wrong in your plan. mingyu must always know in the future that it was never you in the first place, it should never cross his mind that you could`ve been here in his room right at this moment untying his shoes, covering his drunk self with a blanket so that the cold wind didn`t bother him.

it had to be soohyun. as if you weren`t even meant to be here, at all. you were just some imposter. a forgettable side character in that scenario leaving no traces behind. you wanted no map, no sign to lead mingyu back to that night with you in his bedroom while he was unconscious.

after covering him up with his blanket, you had walked to his mini-fridge where he kept his homemade foods and drinks. mingyu always loved cooking and it would be a very rare case scenarios for anyone to see him out in any restaurant eating junk foods and he was too broke to go to any fancy one anyway.

you had once tasted his food when he had brought them for lunch during one of your and his projects in the second year. you had told him that he should try being a chef to which mingyu had only let out a laugh. he never elaborated why he never opted for that option and you never asked him further.

you took one long look at the countless transparent containers containing all kinds of dishes that mingyu probably spent hours making from scratch. you felt your mouth watering but gulping down the temptation, you closed his mini-fridge and walked back over to his bedside, placing a water bottle upon his bedside desk right next to his phone.

even in the low light of the lamp that was lit up on his study desk, you noticed the mess in which mingyu was. that beautiful face of his was covered in sweat, the two of the topmost buttons of his matte purple shirt was undone and you could see the perspiration continuing to spread its territory all over his neck and chest.

thinking he might catch a cold like that if you had left him that way, you slowly started backing away, your feet taking you inside his bathroom where you found a clean towel inside his laundry rack.

dabbing some water on the towel, you dried the sweat off of mingyu`s face as carefully as possible. leaning over, you tried lifting the collar of his shirt slightly and drying off the sweat from there too.

when you were done with the very risky task in hand, your eyes finally fixated on mingyu`s face. unknowingly, your fingers reached out to his forehead, gingerly pushing the hair away from his face. the pads of your fingers stayed in the air, right over his eyes. you moved them slightly as if craving out his face in the air. that space in-between your palm and his skin equivalent to the hesitation in you and thousand little secrets holding you back.

you felt his breath when the tips of your fingers lingered in the air on top of his lips that was slightly open. you stared at his mouth, thinking that what would`ve happened if mingyu was actually sober? would you have said yes to him? the fact that the reason why you were there was because he was drunk and had confessed to you earlier. if he had not decided to go to the gathering maybe that night would`ve been written off as some different history.

if he hadn`t confessed to you, you would`ve probably just said his address to soohyun and let them handle the rest of the situation while you would`ve continued reading franz kafka. but instead there you were, tending to mingyu while he was completely unaware of what was happening.

maybe you were doing this out of guilt. maybe this was the only thing you could do in return for what he was giving to you. it was a trifle thing, you knew, whatever you were doing. this was nothing compared to someone handing over their heart to you, knowing very well, the other person which was you in this case might not accept it.

a part of mingyu probably wanted to say all that he said to you that night for the longest time ever but because he was so adamant about not telling the truth, he kept that another mingyu inside a glass bottle. ironically, that mingyu won that night and the sad thing was, mingyu himself will never be knowledgeable of that fact.

but the thing is – if you had yourself loved him less, you would`ve not let him live in this lie of which you were creating the framework with your own hands. you would`ve fought with yourself that`s scared and told him what you felt. but you didn`t.

you pushed everything down inside you as you closed the door of his apartment that night.

as you took a cab back home, you called soohyun and reported to him everything that you did so that if mingyu ever suspects anything, he would know what to say.

“_______, i`m sorry but i don`t really think he will believe me if i tell him i did all that stuff for him, we`ve hung out almost every day since we got to know each other.”

“and yet, you guys had no idea where he lives,”

“right, you got me there, ma`am,”

“i just hope this secret stays between me and you. even if mingyu doesn`t ask anything or doesn`t remember anything, you`ll never slip out a single word about what happened tonight. do you understand?”

“yes, yes, i get it. you don`t have to worry so much,”

“fine, goodnight and thanks for whatever you did today,”

“no worries, ______, buy me lunch someday maybe? if we ever meet after we graduate.”

“of course, you don`t have to ask for it. i would`ve done it anyway.”

“right, goodnight then, see you at graduation!”

“see you,”

when you had finally reached back home, you stared at your reflection on the mirror inside your washroom and witnessed all the dried up tears on your cheeks and in your eyes, you can see them – all the guilt and lies piling up together, like two best friends forever, rolling over on a field of daffodils under the gloomy overcast of the sky.

minutes later as mingyu stood in front of the same elevator but with the company of yours next to him, he felt his hand quivering on his side as he pressed the up arrow.

“you live in quite a nice place,” he heard you say, breaking the ice that stood like an awkward glass wall in-between both of you.

“ah, yeah – it`s been a year only,”

“do you own it or are you renting?”

“i own it.” mingyu rubbed his palm against his jeans feeling beads of sweats gathering up in the creases of his palm, “renting would`ve been a hassle. i saved up a lot and took up a loan. it gives you a sense of freedom when you enter into your own little space, doesn`t it?”

“right,” you look up at him nodding your head softly and returning a gentle laugh. “i can feel that.”

“what about you? are you renting or planning to buy? you`ve been out of the country for a long time so…”

he sees you shaking your head, eyes fixated on the hazy reflection of his and yours upon the then closed elevator door.

“i don`t have the economy to buy immediately. i`ll rent for now and of course, i can always stay at home with maa. our house isn`t that far. you know it, don`t you?”

“yes, yes – i know.” mingyu nods, “i`m sure you`ll be fine but if you need any help, i`m just a call away.”

“or some distance away.”

“right,” he laughs, “right, exactly. you got me there.”

the elevator finally reaches the ground floor and being the only ones, both of you entered into the little space. mingyu quickly presses down his floor number and you watch him settle next to you politely after that.

at this point, you couldn`t press down your laughter anymore. you looked at his reflection on the blurry silver metal of the elevator and squeezed your eyes shut, shaking your head microscopically and bursting with silent laughter from inside. it took mingyu a few seconds to realize what was happening and when his eyes fell upon your own reflection, he turned his head to his side, looking down at you. he saw the strands of your hair flowing from side to side as you shake your head. he couldn`t exactly determine what kind of face you were making.

“is something funny?” he asks, unsure..

it was his question that somehow gave you a green light and your laughter unmuted itself. you slapped a friendly hand upon his upper arm, pressing onto it softly through his flannel, “you look way too funny. you`re shaking, mingyu! look at your hands,”

your hand on his flannel-covered arm climbed down to his bare wrist, and he felt your cold, soft and comparatively small fingers wrapping around it like some cool metal bracelet.

soon, he felt goosebumps rising up from underneath his skin and taking over all of his body. mingyu thanked all the divine energy in the world right then that he was wearing full sleeves or else it would`ve been terribly embarrassing for you to witness him in such a way from just a simple touch of your skin upon his own.

“ahhh, your hands are surprisingly warm!” you exclaim in-between your now almost died down laughter. your body now half-turned towards mingyu, you spread his palm upon your left and cover it with your right like sandwiching his open palm inbetween both of your own.

“and, yours is very evidently cold,” a shaky laugh slips out of mingyu`s lips as he tries to accept the situation he is currently in.

this is bad, he thought, if this continues, he will literally faint and that will be terrible. but he can`t just slip his hand out from in-between both of yours out of nowhere. that would only feed into your idea that he is actually very truthfully nervous as hell.

“oh sorry, i didn`t realize that,” quickly, you pull your hands away from his and mingyu`s eyes flicker back to his now empty hand hanging in the air, suddenly feeling a bit abandoned.

“no, no – it alright!”

“it`s okay, for a second i completely forgot that i was literally standing in the cold for so long,” you tell him.

“i`ll make something warm for you when we get in,”

“that`s very sweet of you,”

“nah, it`s only what`s necessary,”

as the awkwardness between both of you dies down slowly, the elevator finally reaches his floor. mingyu was still holding his motorbike's keys in his hand which he then put inside his pocket and led you to his place.

soon, it hit you, right as you finally stand in front of his door. your eyes trail up mingyu`s back and rest upon the back of his head where you can see the thin silver necklace he was wearing. you watch him leaning in, inputting the passcode of his place. you furrow your eyebrows and look at his back and then at the door as if someone has discovered the deepest secrets of your life.

it was all coming flooding back to you – that night, you holding mingyu against yourself and unlocking his then rented studio apartment. you realize this feels familiar. you`ve been here before. and in both cases, mingyu was and is unaware of everything that is happening.

when finally he unlocks the door, he turns around and gives you a smile, tilting his head and motioning you to come in. you only give him a shaky smile.

“i`ll go and change up, feel free to make yourself comfortable,”

“mingyu?” you stop him, a sudden question springing up inside your head, something which you didn`t even consider beforehand.

“hmmm? what happened?” he was taking a look into his kitchen, checking if all the ingredients that he has left behind are intact or not. when you call his name out loud, he turns around, standing a few feet away from you.

but before you can question him, mingyu inspects you in a flash and his mouth opens a bit as if he too realized something, “ah! change of clothes, right? you want to get out of those uncomfortable clothes, don`t you?”

“huh?”

“no?”

“no, i wasn`t going to ask for a change of clothes, i mean, like should i even be allowed?”

“why not?”

“no wait stop distracting me. i need to ask a very important question.”

“distrac-?”

mingyu leans against his kitchen counter, hands folded over his chest. you stood as far as possible from himself, knowing the answer to your question could be anything.

“do you have a girlfriend? like, are you seeing someone?” you ask before he can reply.

both of you stood still in your place for a while. no one spoke a single word and as more and more time passed by, you only grew anxious. you look at mingyu looking at you with an unreadable expression. this is very weird, you thought, why can`t you read him? this is only making you want to run to the door and get the hell out of his place before any mishap happens. what if he does have a girlfriend and then somehow she will know that you, a woman, were in mingyu`s place when it`s past midnight?

“why aren`t you saying anything?” you ask him again this time with frustration seeping through your voice, “are you kidding with me? you actually do have a girlfriend, you idiot, why didn`t you-?” you turn around swiftly and start walking towards his door. but as your back comes face to face with him, mingyu speaks up.

“no.”

you halt in your place. halfway to the door, you look back at him, “you`re lying,”

mingyu slowly shakes his head.

“only one-night stands. that`s all i`ve been doing since forever. just feeding my physical satisfaction once in a while.”

“that`s impossible,” turning around, you walk slowly towards him, “you`re making this up, aren`t you? just for me to stay?”

“i believe in love, _______, and staying true to the person whom i love. i am not the kind to do cheap things like cheating. if i had a girlfriend, i would have probably not gone to pick you up,”

“right, that sounds something like you would do,” you say.

“exactly, so?”

“so?” you raise your eyebrows at him.

“change of clothes?”

you look away from him, “um….if you are okay with it, i guess.”

mingyu laughs, “hey, i`m the one who suggested it. now come on, i really don`t have any girlfriend or whatever, i`m way too busy for that, so chill out! more importantly, i`m hungry. i`ll see you in a sec,”

giving you an okay sign, mingyu rushes into his bedroom to get changed up and on the other hand, you slowly spun around on your feet looking around his place adoring every corner of it and how each and every single thing that was there reminded you of mingyu like it should be.

for the last 5 years, mingyu was someone who only came to visit you in your dreams. some nights when you would be back at your place tired and extremely famished from work, laying on your bed for sleep to come visit you, you could see him as you would close your eyes. you could never touch him though because it was as if just like how you were disappearing in front of mingyu that night when he was drunk, he, too was disappearing whenever you tried to reach out to him.

you would still love to go to sleep though because you couldn`t wait to dream and in your dream, you would be living a different life and in that life, mingyu was there with you and you didn`t have a single dust of doubt floating around you.

in your dreams, you can love mingyu and you can return his feelings. you can even hold his hands and smile at how his fingers embrace your own. you can almost convince yourself that you too are capable to fit into any human relationship, that there wasn`t anything holding you back.

late in evenings when you would be at the noodle shop for dinner and watch some young cook with their back facing you at the farthest corner of the shop, you would be reminded of mingyu and his love for cooking and then it would dawn upon you that you`ve never watched him cook in person. that was probably one of the only things you never saw him doing in front of you. maybe, you thought, maybe it was something very personal to him and he shows that side of his only when he`s with someone he`s very intimate with.

and you – you could never think of crossing that line. it was something you were scared of. it was something that has been engraved in your bones that you can never fall in love with anyone. you could say that`s one of the perks of growing up in a broken family. growing up fatherless, growing up in a house that has snatched away all of your childhood innocence and the dream of growing up in a home with a father who could be the hero if things were different.

being closed off from everything and everyone around you wasn`t a given choice, it was the strictest written rule by you for yourself. looking at any man around you, the reflection of your father would always fall upon them every single time even if they had done nothing to you.

but mingyu – he was different. when you had come across him, you had expected him to be just like how you always did with any other guys and then there was him, pushing and tearing through them one by one. the way he can be strong and yet so soft, so gentle and be caring and be so painfully selfless, it baffled you. you were confused that how can a man like this exist.

it was as if he had walked out of some jane austen novel and you were just standing there far across the vast field bewildered, watching him walk towards you under the fading sunlight. he`s telling you that he can be good, that he can put ice upon your wounds and tell off people who keep killing you from inside that you were tired. he`s telling you everything that you`ve always wanted to hear and feel and yet, here you are, thinking but this is too good to be true. what if you are just dreaming?

you say to yourself, ah, but you`re so damaged. what if the way you love him is not normal? what if your love is too heavy? what if he gets tired of you and leaves you just like your father whom you loved the most and all you`ll ever be left with is the same sinking feeling of anger and loneliness? what if he becomes your only escape and he finds that burdensome after a while? what will you do then? will you hate him? will he hate you?

mingyu deserves the best, and you promised yourself that you`ll give him just that. when he had confessed his love for you, it felt like someone had sucked out the life out of you. his love and his words for you felt like a knife digging deep inside your heart and the pain was beautiful. you had cried and smiled and laughed and cried again.

you wanted to tell him that he`s too good for you. by rejecting him, you`re saving him from carrying the damage that`s you.

you wanted to tell him that he deserved better and that he should just forget about you. after all, you weren`t even going to be there with him physically for the next few years after you both would graduate.

initially, the sole reason why you opted for flying out of the country was that you yourself wanted to forget him, tell yourself or more like, fool yourself to think that he was just a part of a certain chapter of your life and now, it was time to move on.

but you couldn`t tell him all that. you couldn`t tell him when his voice sounded so lovely in your ears and in every syllable that slips out of his lips, there was only love, love and love for you. you felt guilty of hurting him in the first place and to repay for your sins, you promised to keep his heart safe with you.

you were almost convinced that he has found someone and yet when you called him tonight, you completely forgot about asking if he has a lover or not. it only dawned upon you when you were standing barefooted in the middle of his living room. that`s how out of mind you were. your old buried down feelings taking control of all of your thought processes and you scolded them in your head, telling them to be rational more often.

mingyu`s denial of having anyone in his life sounded like an obvious lie to you and you told him that out loud unafraid. but from inside you were slightly happy. although that same happiness was just some cheap disguise of the certain familiar guilt rising up from the insides of your chest.

in the midst of all these, yet, here you are, in one of mingyu`s clean shirts and short black track pants in his kitchen, both of which are clearly way too big on you and watching him cook right next to you.

your chin rests upon your palm as your elbows rest on the farthest part of the kitchen counter. the scene unfolding in front of you is so unfamiliar that you watch it almost like inspecting an abstract piece of art at a certain exhibition.

now, of course, you`ve watched men, in kitchens cooking on television and in that noodle shop or whatever but those are all strangers in their place of the profession. from your experience of growing up with an estranged father, you have never watched him even being domestic enough, forget cutting vegetables and cooking with his own two hands.

so watching mingyu like this - it almost feels foreign. it feels like you`re in a movie. in your guts the thought has not yet settled in that you`re finally seeing him cook. you almost wanted to ask him, if he had cooked for anyone else apart from himself and his family.

also, he looks strangely irrestiable right at this moment. you can`t exactly pinpoint but maybe it`s the effect of you never seeing him in a black tank top. his arms, if he was just a certain stranger to you, would`ve almost made you run away from him but because you know how much of a warmhearted being mingyu is, you just accepted that part of his as some extra added element. he is so much broader than the last time you saw him. he looks, if your eyes aren`t just putting on a certain filter, almost manly.

“like what you`re seeing?” mingyu`s voice suddenly interrupts the ardent attention your eyes were putting onto his skilled hands. you feel like you`ve gotten caught admiring the whole existence of mingyu.

you nod sheepishly smiling up at him as he rubs off the sweat that`s been accumulating on his forehead with his bare arms.

“i`ve never seen a man cook right in front of my eyes, like, in a domestic scenario,” you say, your eyes still loving the way he`s sizzling up the meat.

“really? your dad doesn`t cook?”

instantly, the smile on your face dropped. your eyelids quiver as you look down on the kitchen counter. you don`t say anything for a long time.

mingyu, realizing, he hasn`t gotten his answer, turns his head sideways to look at you and he instantly discovers the gloom on your face. he realizes he has taken a wrong turn in this conversation.

“i`m sorry, i didn`t realize…” he starts apologizing.

but you stop him.

“it`s okay!” with a loud smile, you take your hands off of the counter and stand up straight, “i mean i never told you anything about my family, but no, my father doesn`t live with us anymore. he left when i was 14 after some very long abusive years,”

“oh…” mingyu is now looking down at you, probably thinking if he can find something that will prove that you are faking that smile on your face just for his sake.

“yeah….” dragging your tired voice, you walk a bit closer to him and take a peek into the pan in which mingyu is cooking, “he wasn`t a good father. he never cared to be at home half of the time because he was too busy with his job, so cooking was….yeah,” you shake your head with an unsatisfied look, “far from any of it.”

“i`m sorry, ______,” mingyu looks down at you tenderly, and places a hand softly on top of your head while you were still leaning into the pan, inspecting if the meat is brown enough, “you are so strong,”

mingyu`s hand on your head prompts you to look up at him and you stare into his eyes for a while, holding his gaze with your own for a few passing seconds till you chuckle softly shaking your head.

“you might be wrong about that but thank you,”

“so am i the first one?” mingyu pulls his hand away from your head and suddenly, you feel like someone just pulled the warm blanket off of your body on a very bitter winter night.

“you mean cook in a domestic atmosphere?”

mingyu nods.

“yes, you are,” you beam up at him and mingyu smiles back at you.

“good, i`m glad. i`ll make sure it will be a wonderful experience for you,”

“honestly, i can`t wait, but i know nothing about cooking so i wonder how long my stomach will be able to control,”

“oh don`t worry, give me ten minutes,”

you walk away a bit and climb on top of the empty kitchen counter. sitting there and swinging your legs lightly, you go back to watching mingyu cook.

for the first time, in a very long time, you find yourself smiling more often than ever.

the dinner was definitely a success, mingyu thought to himself as he observes you now, laying at the other end of the couch, caressing your clothed stomach while your eyes concentrate on the movie playing on the tv.

it was eternal sunshine of the spotless mind playing on his television.

“you should`ve given me a warning, mingyu,” he hears you complaining, “if i knew you cook this well, i would`ve prepared myself mentally for this!”

“was it that good?” he asks, smiling to himself, from his end of the couch.

“good?!” you sit up quickly, raising your brows at him, shock on your face evident as if you are offended on behalf of him and at him at the same time, “oh come on, that was the best thing i`ve ever had for the longest time in my whole life, that`s not good, that was a freaking masterpiece. don`t you dare insult your own cooking! if i had your skills, i would be announcing it to every single person on the street. i would be bragging on and on and annoy the fuck out of people by doing so.”

mingyu`s eyes follow all the little changes on your face happening with a soft smile playing on his mouth. although you were not there with him for a very long time, to see you right now in front of him, he realizes that you were always somehow there all along in some way. yes, he has missed you, he has missed you so terribly and he isn`t ashamed to admit that. but now that you`re here, he can watch you for however long he wants.

mingyu thinks you look beautiful in that shirt of his that`s way too big on you. he wants to hug you and tell you that the curves of your back and edges of your body remind him of the hills surrounded like the cloudy mist and how those hills are the only place he wants to live forever in. the valley of your chest, the only place he wants his soul to rest upon in this whole world. he wants to stop the time and photograph this moment of you defending his own cooking skills to him so that he can have a good laugh when things are down for him.

“_______,” he calls out your name interrupting your endless defence of his cooking.

when you hear your name from his mouth, you stop talking and look at him. and it was evident that he has been looking at you for a very time. you wait for him to say something further.

“it`s nice to see you again,” he tells you finally.

diverting your eyes away from him, you pull both of your knees to your chest. resting your chin upon them, you reply, “same, i thought we would be more awkward,”

“yeah, guess we`re really adults now.”

“right, happy 30s to us, i guess,”

“i like the ring to that,” mingyu`s head falls back against the headrest of his couch as he stares up at the cream coloured ceiling, “but i love the fact that just like how i started my 20s, i`m also entering into my 30s with you.”

in the movie right as mingyu tells you that, joel, one of the main protagonists, discovers the letter sent from the clinic name lacuna which states that, clementine, his lover has decided to erase all of her memories of his.

you turn your head away from the tv screen and rest your left cheek upon your folded arms on your knees. in the field of your vision, you can`t see mingyu`s face anymore except for his jawline and his adam`s apple protruded out of his throat and his extremely relaxed self laying against his couch.

“mingyu, you know, when i was talking about the guilt that i was feeling over the phone tonight, i didn`t mean that i was feeling guilty of not contacting you anymore,”

mingyu doesn`t lift his head up, instead, he hums back to you.

“i was actually talking about what happened that night, you know, the night you were drunk,”

“why would you feel guilty about that night? i don`t think you did anything wrong,”

resting your palm on the middle of the couch. you turn around to lean forward towards him.

“because….mingyu i-”

“______,” suddenly, mingyu lifts his head up straight and settles his soft gaze on you before declaring, “i know,”

he observes the quick twist of your eyebrows and the confusion in your eyes as you stare at him.

“i`m not talking about me rejecting you,” you tell him slowly, weighing each of your words at the tip of your tongue.

“i know that. but you didn`t actually reject me that night or the next day, did you?”

“i don`t understand what you`re saying,”

your neck suddenly warms up and soon a suffocating sensation fills up the insides of your ribs. it was very evident that you were scared of what is going to unfold in front of you.

“soohyun…” it`s been too long that both of you have heard or said any of your classmates` names, forget even meeting them. but as soon as his name was uttered by mingyu, he notices the slight widening of your eyes and the thing is, he knew the reason for that all too well. yet, he continues, his eyes never leaving your face, “he told me everything. every single detail. i didn`t even have to ask. that guy just blurted everything after our graduation. he said the weight of this secrecy was too heavy on his shoulders.”

maybe it was the comfort of his own ceiling upon his head that was giving mingyu this confidence or it was just the fact that somewhere deep within himself, he always knew this would be the first thing he would tell you if fate gives him the chance to see you again.

mingyu moves close to you, meeting you halfway on the couch sitting just a few centimetres away from you and your hand almost touching his.

he looks at you closely and he can see them clearly – the wetness of your eyes glistening and your slacked jaw. the expression on your face feels like everything around is shattering into pieces. he realizes he really can`t tolerate seeing you in pain and yet he tells you words that he has always wanted to convey.

“_______, you know, i always thought i knew you but i think i was wrong. i never did. how did i never notice how good you were with hiding things? i don`t even know what food you like. you always kept yourself so closed off and that only made me want to know more about it. it`s like the more i look at you, i know less about you.”

at this point, the pain in your throat is intolerable and you can feel the first teardrop slipping out of your eyes. you close your mouth tight and yet no matter how much you try biting down the inside of it, your lips still quiver. you can`t read mingyu`s eyes and it is tearing you apart. you feel like you`re standing on the edge of a cliff and anything, literally, anything can happen. either someone will save you or you`ll lose every single thing with a single step ahead.

“_______, i wonder, if i`ll ever know why didn`t you speak about what you felt for me in reality. i mean, it`s okay. rejection is part of life but why did it never feel like you were rejecting me that day over the phone call. it was that one moment in my life that i wanted to see your face more than ever. maybe – maybe if i had looked close enough, i could`ve found something. i really thought love was easy. i thought if i love you enough, maybe you`ll open some doors to your heart. but i guess, i was too naïve.”

you tear your eyes away from him. pulling your whole body away, you lean against the armrest of the couch. you stare down at the floor from there while hugging your knees against your chest. you are sobbing silently and you don`t want to let him see you like this. you don`t want to let him see the face of defeat and so without looking at him, you confess some things you never thought of saying this soon or ever in your life.

“you are right, i`ve never rejected you from the deepest part of my heart. i – i definitely love you and it is painful because every time i see your face, it always reminds me of the days when things aren't complicated. you give me hope that good things exist and i have the right to deserve all that because growing up, i always knew how to escape and close all of my doors, knowing i don`t have the luxury to demand affection from anyone,”

“yet, every time you look at me, i can`t escape. i can`t close myself off. somehow it feels like the life that i`ve been living to this day is just a fleeting nightmare and that this is real. i never rejected you instead i rejected the part of me that is alive and in love with you, the part of me that is not scared and wants to give human relationships a second chance. a part of me that tells me that not everyone is like my father. i rejected myself to reject you, mingyu,”

“and, i`m sorry.” at this point, you`ve lost your voice and you`re crying and you feel the weight shifting on the couch beside you. you still can`t look at mingyu. you are scared of looking at him. you`re scared of him seeing you after he has broken down all the walls around you. it`s as if you`re standing all naked and unprepared.

“i`m sorry for doing this to you. i`m sorry for lying to you. i didn`t mean to, i swear. i was just protecting myself and at the same time, protecting you,”

“protecting me?” his voice is too close, you are scared if you look to your right, you`ll find your face only a few centimetres away from his.

“because i don`t think i`m capable of loving someone in a proper way. i think my love is heavy. i`ve lived most of my life depending on myself. i am scared if i finally find my safe haven in a person and i choose to selfishly keep going there to relieve myself, it will be a burden to them.”

“is that what you think you will be? if you choose to love me?”

you nod your head.

“______, you will be surprised to know that there`s nothing in this world that i want more than i want you, in every possible way. it`s a bit too much, i know, but nothing has changed for me. i`ve still saved the biggest room for you and me inside my heart.”

“mingyu…” you close your eyes, feeling all defeated.

“let`s carry it together, _____,”

you tilt your head a bit to your right, your eyes still looking down.

“together?”

“your baggage, all of your pain. allow me to carry it with you,” mingyu puts his arm over your shoulder and gently pulls you close to his chest. this makes your eyes flicker up and come face to face with him looking down at you.

you can feel his heart beating out of his chest against your right arm and mingyu, he is so warm, it`s like if you stay in his embrace longer, it`ll burn you up and all that will be left are your ashes and you think that`s the most beautiful way to die.

“i love every part of you,______,” he whispers to you as he raises his right arm and with his fingers, he moves away the spare strands of hair that has fallen over your eyes, “i love the part of you that`s scared to love and the part which loves me enough to call me its safe haven. it`s a blessing to be loved by you,______, it`s everything i`ve ever wanted,”

mingyu waits for you to say something, anything and yet he only finds you staring up at him. there`s redness in your eyes and your hair is a mess which he softly pats down, arranging them to the side of your face. he wants to hold your face and kiss the corners of your eyes but he`s hanging by your lips, waiting for it to say something.

even if it`s just his name, he knew that will be enough.

the warmth that`s radiating off of mingyu is making you feel drunk and suddenly you feel like you can`t breathe. this makes you raise your hand and place the tips of your fingers gingerly against his cheek.

ah, i want to stay like this forever, you think to yourself, this is home. this is, maybe, this is everything i wanted.

mingyu leans in, without thinking, he presses his lips on yours. he wraps the wrist of your hands in his palm that was resting on his cheek and pulls it towards himself, placing it on his neck. holding you against him, mingyu wraps both of his arms around you.

mingyu thinks back and he realizes that he has always dreamt of this moment. he has always imagined what it would feel like to hold you in his arms. will you perfectly fit in his arms just like this? can he even dream of knowing how your mouth will feel against his? will he ever get to know everything that makes up to you? will he get to touch every curve and edge of yours? for him, it`s like you are a faraway country of his dream, the only place where he wants to travel while he`s barefoot.

mingyu holds you tighter. his hands caress your back and he tilts his head to kiss the corner of your lips. he kisses your jaw, your cheeks, the tip of your nose and the corner of your eyes. he tastes the salt in your tears and he wants to kiss your heart. he wants more and he wants to be selfish. how can he control himself when he can taste the ocean in your eyes and the earth on your skin? he wants to see it all and write it all down in his head of how he can have you in his arms and travel the world right at the same time.

you are breathless. you have never kissed anyone before so you don`t know what it feels like when someone kisses you. moreover, if that person declares that he has wanted you almost the whole of his life. you don`t know how to return the gesture so you submit yourself to him and let him take control.

you let him give you the wings to fly, you let him pour this thought in you that whenever you wish to fall, he`ll be right there to catch you in his arms.

when mingyu takes a moment to break away from kissing you any further, he checks your face to see if there`s any reflection of doubt upon it. to which, he discovers that there was none. he comes face to face with the afterglow of the kiss on your face.

“mingyu…i`m-”

“…tired?” mingyu completes your sentence to which you lazily nod. he smiles down at you and you smile back at him.

“let`s get you to bed then,” he starts getting up, his hands travelling down to both of your wrists pulling you up from the place you were sitting, still in a daze from the kisses.

“but…is it okay?” you ask him.

mingyu chuckles and doesn`t say anything. instead, he bends down and picks you up in his arms all bridal style. you squeal slightly as you clasp onto his shoulder, “what`re doing? i didn`t say i can`t walk,”

“you need to stop saying no to every single thing i do to you. try to be more selfish, ______, especially when it comes to me showing my love to you,”

“that includes carrying me?”

“well, this is just the starter pack,” mingyu smirks as he suggests, before walking towards his bedroom.

“starter what?” you exclaim out loud, holding onto him only tighter.

mingyu somehow convinces you that he has always slept shirtless. that, even if he goes to sleep in a t-shirt, by the time he wakes up in the morning, he finds his garment either somewhere on the floor next to his bed or under his blanket.

“um, i`m not sleeping next to you while you`re half-naked,” you tell him. “i`m going back to the couch.”

“no, never in a million years. uh ah, that`s not happening,” mingyu pushes you down and pulls the blanket over your body and then joins next to you. “how the heck did you even think that i`m letting you sleep on the couch while i`m travelling to dreamland in my bed?”

“gosh, you`re too much,” you turn your eyes away from mingyu, stopping yourself from admiring his god-like body, “this is too much,”

“also, what makes you think i`m going to let you sleep this soon?”

this only makes you gulp but thankfully mingyu`s bedroom is too dimly lit so no matter what kind of face you make, it will be difficult for anyone to figure it out.

mingyu turns around and admires your side profile. he moves his mouth close to your ear and whispers, “______, lift your head up a bit,”

you turn your head towards him. brows raised in confusion, you lift your head up a bit. and, mingyu quickly slips his left arm under your neck, pulling you against his bare chest.

“mingyu!” you whisper-yell at him. to which, mingyu only giggles and proceeds to hug you, burying his face against your collarbones.

“are you having second thoughts, _____?” he asks you. his breath upon your skin sends a slight shiver down your spine. you gulp and shake your head.

“no,”

pulling his face away from your collarbones, mingyu hovers over you. for some long, long seconds both of you hold each other`s gaze with each of your own.

“do you want to tell me something?” you ask him softly.

mingyu licks his lips and stares down at your mouth, “____, will you let me love you?”

his question only makes you chuckle, “what kind of request is that?”

“i`m being serious, will you let me love you…..tonight?” you see him gulp and then it hits you what he means by this question of his.

mingyu wants to make love to you and the realization of this thought warms up every part of your body.

“i don`t think….i can hold back anymore,” the raspiness of his voice only makes you breathless.

“mingyu,” you dig your fingers into his beautiful black hair, “i`m sorry,”

mingyu looks down at you, confused.

“i`m sorry for making you wait so long,” you tell him, finally.

your apology out of nowhere makes him break into a sad smile. as if he`s calling you all kind of silly in his head. entangling your fingers in his, mingyu kisses your forehead, “i love you, i love you, my love,”

he continues pressing kisses down your face, spending lots of time exploring your mouth. parting your lips with his own and taking in your breath, he wants to remember this moment like the feeling of the sun embracing him during winter morning. pushing the blanket off of your body, mingyu slowly unbuttons his shirt that you were wearing.

as more and more of your bare skin comes to his discovery, mingyu find himself burying his face into the warmth of it. sighs and whimpers that slipped out of your mouth felt like heaven to his ears as he kisses the place in-between your breasts. unhooking your bra, and finally removing the shirt off of your body, mingyu held you close to himself and loves the way his name slips out your mouth in his ears.

he feels your chest against his and both of your hearts beating furiously, mirroring each other as if both of you are already a singular being.

“mingyu, you`re so warm,” he hears you saying while panting as you cup his face.

breathless, mingyu smiles as he kisses both of your palms. pulling you into his lap, he tells himself that this is exactly where he belongs. there`s no other place like this where he can wish to live and die at the same time. he wants to engrave your name to his bones and tell you how he was only born for you.

mingyu made love to you two times in a row that night. even though it was your first time and you were tired, when he had started kissing the curve of your back and pulling you against himself for the second time later that night, you had let him consume you. after all, you yourself couldn`t stop yourself from asking for more and more and more of him.

it was like you were under a certain spell. as if every time mingyu touches you, you go into a zone. the feeling of his breath fanning in-between your thighs, his fingers digging deep into you makes you see stars whenever you squeeze your eyes shut. and you love his kisses, you love the way you can taste him in your tongue even when he`s kissing some other place of your body.

on the other hand, for mingyu, it felt like he had already travelled into another dimension. he couldn`t get enough of you and the feeling of him being buried deep inside you and moving and living at the same time. there were a few times when he had almost lost control of his hips but as soon as he felt you squeezing his biceps hard, he had bent down and hugged you close, calming himself down.

if this was five years ago, he couldn`t have imagined any of this happening and here he was, not being able to get enough of you.

mingyu woke up countless times that night and every time he woke up thinking that this night was just one of his wildest dream, he met with the weight of your naked body against him and his legs tangled with yours under the blanket.

without you knowing anything about it, mingyu had wrapped his strong arms around your tired body tighter and had pulled you against him as close as possible. he kissed the crook of your neck, promising himself that this time, he`ll never let you go, that he`ll not let this be another dream of his.

fin.

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