#anyway i was going through my bullet journal from like 5 years ago

[homoesia]

#skk #for sussy bakas only #anyway i was going through my bullet journal from like 5 years ago #and look who it is #soukoku #specifically dazai shoving his entire hand in chuuyas mouth #this is so comforting #the world may change but we stay the same #i even forgot dazais neck bandages on this one too (i initially forgor them on my pinned skk art as well) #my art #bsd

[samtheflamingomain]

i've had a day.

I woke up at 8am after blacking out in the middle of a fucking meal, so I woke up to a plate of half-eaten pasta on my bed. That immediately put me in the mindset of "holy shit I'm completely fucked."

Then I did my morning routine. Bathroom, coffee, bullet journal. I record my drinks, food and sleep. Yesterday was 10+. 500 cal, 6h of sleep.

I wasn't even halfway through my BJ before I realized I absolutely had to cut myself. So I did. This is extremely rare; I usually get more and more depressed as the day goes and cut at night, maybe twice a year.

Being sober and needing to cut was a very weird feeling. I did it, then my roommate Rob asked me to accompany him to the grocery store because he got his vax today and didn't want to go anywhere alone.

It wasn't until he handed me a case of Pepsi for him that I realized I was out in public with visible cuts.

I live in a basement, so I'm always cold, always wearing sweats and a sweater. But when I go out, I change into shorts and a T.

So at this point, we're in the checkout and I'm already very... alert? On-guard? Because I honestly could give less of a shit if anyone sees my cuts buuuuut...

Behind us in the checkout were 2 kids under 5. I will NOT expose them to my injuries because it's absolutely not fair. That's a very hard conversation to have with a 4 year old.

So my alertness turns into mild anxiety.

We get back to the car and It Hits. It's anxiety attack time! It's super hot, why not throw up! We got in the car, I opened the door, threw up, and I saw myself in the mirror, my face is beet red. I see a bottle of water in the door of the car. I grab it, open the door, and pour it over my head. Rob hands me another, and I dump half, then chug the rest.

Rob is the MVP of the day. I'm honestly just getting started.

He rubs my back and tells me to take my time, he has more water, just breathe.

Finally I cool down, close the door, we go home. Then the second I put down the Pepsi I collapse to the floor and start crying. Anxiety Round 2.

I just say "please hold my hand" and Rob grabs my hand and rubs it. I say I need to go to the sink and he guides me there and I douse myself in water for 5 minutes. He brings me a towel.

I'm shaking, alternating between freezing and overheating. I tell him I think I need to go to the hospital. And then he says the most helpful thing anyone has ever asked: "What can I do to convince you you don't need to go to the hospital?" Because it's not a panic attack, just anxiety, I know I'm not dying and probably don't need medical attention. Anxiety attacks suck, but they are different from a panic attack, which very much will convince you you're dying and need the hospital.

So simple, so casual, yet so well-phrased. He knows I need convincing, not just "there there". It made me stop and think. And I said, "can you tell me everything you know about (video game everyone in the house is into except me)?" and... it took 2 hours.

But first, I mentioned my meds.

I usually go with him to work to grab my meds (next door) but he's had 4 days off so I haven't had my meds for 4 days. I absolutely could've and should've gotten them myself but I'm lazy. I mentioned it to him and he immediately got in the car to get them for me because I absolutely could not go back into the heat.

I take my pills, do a shot of vodka at 2:30pm, and an hour later, I'd start to come down.

They often try to get me into this game, Final Fantasy something, but I simply don't like MMORPGS. But I realized a few days ago that I LOVE to talk about my dumb skateboarding games and few people want to listen.

So I figured Rob would be the same way about his game. And I was right. So we went upstairs, he booted up the game, and I just asked every single question that occurred to me and he had a 5 minute answer for all of them.

Sometimes (not this time) I can coax myself out of an anxiety attack by putting on "Rap God" and focusing on rapping along. It's really hard, so it takes all my brainpower. It works to *avoid* an attack, but as I realized today, it doesn't work in the middle of one.

But watching someone do something you don't understand and simply asking about every single facet of it and listening to their explanations was a godsend.

We ordered pizza and the 4 of us that were home sat in the room watching 2 people play a game I have zero interest in.

But I ended up enjoying all the explanations. For an example, emotes. I get the premise from other games but this game has literally hundreds of cute funny dances your character can do so I asked "Do you have to unlock these?" "Are they specific to your character?" "Does this one look different if you're wearing different clothes?" "What if you're in battle, can you still do that dance? Will it piss people off?" (Yes.)

Ask anyone about their deepest interest and you will always get a detailed explanation.

I want to say it was my awesome roommates keeping me sane - and God knows they helped immensely - but I gotta say, the absolute batshit insane complexity of this game just completely enraptured my attention. Soooo many things happening at once and normally I'd be like damn girl you play like this? But asking all the questions and having everyone gleefully explain shit to me really got my mind in a new place.

Anyways. Always learning new ways to be.

Stay Greater.

#anxiety #anxiety attack #self harm tw #sam #depression

[steve0discusses]

The Fullmetal Alchemist Live Action Movie Part 7: More Philosopher Stones than their PC Farm Can Possibly Render

So last we left off, a bunch of weird stuff was happening. Mustang just set Envy on fire, Lust and Gluttony kind of walked up from stage left, and Ed and Hawkeye just broke out of bougie jail and barged through a chain link fence on some Jeep. Good thing Mustang is here to explain it all to us:

(FYI I am so bad at spelling homunculus. I don’t even know which way is real anymore.)

What is incredible about this movie is just how much everyone else already knows, while Ed knows freaking nothing. Also, if you know about homunculi, then you know about sorcerer stones, and you’d know about...most of the things in Fullmetal Alchemist. Assuming that Mustang, who can look at a homunculus tattoo and be like “yep that’s a homunculus” doesn’t know anything else is kind of a big leap.

This actor had fun. I legitimately enjoy the actor who plays Mustang, I really do.

Anyway, we do get a little bit more explanation at this point by going back to the part where Hughes dies and just...showing it a second time but with this extra  reveal:

(see Hughes die yet again under the cut because this movie did it not just once but twice)

It’s at this point that Hughes turns to the phone and in his dying breath is like “It’s lab 5, go to the old POW camp, at lab 5” but not only did I think that the person on the line was the general (Because Hughes originally said it was the general) apparently now the person on the line is...Mustang? And that’s why Mustang knew about lab 5?

Like it’s...it’s just kind of confusing. I know this plot because I’ve seen the anime, but if you have not seen the anime beforehand or read the books, you’d be so freakin up a creek right now about why we saw this scene twice, and why it was completely different both times.

To make things even more confusing, that whole Tucker side plot is so random, that not even our baddies know what is going on with that whole Tucker side plot.

Anyway we have to give Gluttony and Envy have to do something in order to make their presence make sense. Honestly Gluttony just needs to have a single line in this movie.

Just everything is that same shiny neutral Phong. Look at all that Phong. Like other parts of this movie are passable, this was just so hilariously overlooked.

And like I dunno if this was a teeth harness or not but damn. Damn that looks stupid from the back, hahaha. He kind of lumbers slowly after these 9 dudes (same extras we’ve seen everywhere else, ps—this is still just the same guys) and it’s not all that scary because like...they can easily outrun him. The only way you can die to Gluttony is if you trip and then take a nap for a little bit.

Mustang gets hurt and it’s kind of funny how they shot it. It was actually rough to cap because they have to do so many tricks to not show us exactly what is happening, so they rely on sounds, on zooming in on people’s shocked expressions, because they Do Not Have The Budget to do more than this.

I don’t remember if this happened in the anime, too. Like from this point forward everything is kind of like “can you spot the source material?” because it’s just become so jumbled at this point.

Ed, who as you can imagine is a bundle of emotions by default, suddenly gets really protective of his mean Dad although like...we’ve barely made Mustang seem like a Father. Hell, we’ve barely made Ed seem like a kid. Why would he get weird and conflicted now?

Just the awkward teenage energy that only occasionally stems off of Ed is very unpredictable.

This is a full grown man.

Finally, we make it to Lab Number Five, the correct one this time. It’s got an alchemy circle…

It’s got a ceiling full of...zombie corpses, if you squint real good because I have to shrink all these images (Yes, they fit in the zombie corpses, but could not fit in the North or Father or Ling Yao or like anything Armstrong) It’s got everything that we need to put that nail into that Fullmetal Alchemist coffin, but ran out of time to fully explain or do.

It’s even got Al!

Yep, this is happening now, this part of the show. Ed is just having a WILD TIME trying to keep up with it and so are we.

So apparently Shou could just turn Al “off” this whole time. This explains why Al was just chilling under a blanket for 36 hours, but like...doesn’t really explain how Shou can do this or why he is bothering to do it right now.

But we need Shou because...well someone has to tell Ed what the plot is and what he should be doing at this very moment.

(Winry is here too)

So, with the threat of Winry getting shot in the head, Shou Tucker demands that Ed make it impossible to do any magic, because magic is very expensive and hard to animate. I could be wrong...but I’m pretty sure he also took off his right arm in the show at some point nearish to the end...I think? Forgive me, everything before 2020 is kind of a haze in my memory.

PS him ripping his hand off with all these sparks everywhere gave me serious Star Wars prequel vibes that I can’t explain. Something about the CGI, something about this contrived mess was like “Ah, I’ve felt this insanity before...long ago in a simpler time” and it was kind of nostalgic for me.

GOL LOOK AT THAT.

This Mickey Mouse glove just hot chilling on that sparking end. Hahaha I love it so much!

Shou just...delivers one of the most important reveals, sending Ed on a bit of a spirit journey because the stones he’s wanted for so long are actually very bad.

As you can imagine, because Ed likes to freak out, he has a big ass freak out, to top all freak outs. This actor spent like sooo much of his time just screaming at the ground. Which, I mean this is a shonen, so that checks out.

I’m just letting you know in case you decide to watch this movie and you have some epilepsy issues--skip this part. Just skip it. I don’t personally have it, but like...they went kind of extra in this part.

Now unlike the show, this movie has like...no apology for Dr Marcoh. Freakin stabbed him through the chest and was like “I don’t care if it means we can’t have the original FMA ending I freakin hate this guy” and you know...good on you, movie. Dr Marcoh was a really bad person. Thank you for not even attempting to justify this godawful man.

This crazy ass fanfiction movie.

Anyway, Shou directs Ed to look 10 feet up to get the rest of that juicy content. That Juicy FMA DLC that was within eye distance this entire time but youknow...cropped offscreen so it just didn’t exist.

Can’t believe this wasn’t the FIRST THING you’d notice when coming into this room, since Ed has been hardwired for red stones for like 10+ years. But youknow.

Anyways, we’re getting a ton of visual elements from FMA, just checking off that check list here in the last 1/3 of the movie. But wait, it gets weirder.

What I love about this is that Shou tells us all of this stuff because I guess Ed asked for Philosopher stones once, and even Shou is like...heyyy I figured it out! But like...hell would anyone even want to do this though?

Because that’s what happens when you have Shou freakin Tucker reveal the big master plan when he is not the big master. Like this explains nothing about Father, about Ed’s Dad, about the homunculi, about the corpses in the ceiling, like there’s just no explanation, other than just –“hey! Look at this atrocity I found just now!”

There is actually a horror element to that, where you don’t need to explain everything if you’re doing horror. If this were a horror movie, this would probably...be fine. You could have a fully explained movie by just saying “they turned POW camp people into rocks and now the zombies are here!” and that would be fine.

But it’s just...that isn’t this movie. I had so many expectations. And honestly...I expected way too much from 1.5 hours of content.

So Shou pulls a gun on Ed, which makes sense. Ed is lookin to make stones, and if stones are made out of people—then it’s time to kill Ed. First thing that make sense in this movie, but I don’t know if it makes sense coming from Shou freakin Tucker who made it seem like he just wanted to kill Ed because Ed got him arrested that one time.

It may have been just the translation on my end but like...Shou’s reason for pulling a gun out here was a little nonsense. But Shou himself is already a little nonsense anyway.

So we say goodbye, for the last time, being honest—he’s fully dead—he’s not coming back—to Shou Freakin Tucker. You were a mess Shou. I won’t miss you.

And if I forgot that this guy comes back, I fully apologize ahead of time, but I am 99% positive that I remembered that this guy never comes back.

(He might come back.)

And then Lust is like “Hakuro why did you do that? Like what are you even doing???”

And everyone else is like “Oh, the General. Of course. Why didn’t I uhhh….see that coming?”

Because they had to condense a whole bunch of corrupt Generals for this movie into one character, and so I guess Hakuro took it for the team?

Also these guys are here.

Just every single person standing in this room is pretty confused, as you can imagine. No one really expects to open up Volume 2 of FMA and it’s accidentally printed the last page of the entire series.

Anyway, that’s all for this 15 minutes (It was actually a little short 15 because there was ton of caps) I’m very tired because I did this workout routine with bro that was like 300 squats and I don’t know what day it is. I wrote “update blog” in my bullet journal (because it’s January, so I’m bullet journaling) so I’m just gonna do that because I want to use this green sparkly jelly pen and cross off all of today. Mm. Satisfying.

https://steve0discusses.tumblr.com/tagged/fma/chrono

#FMA #Fullmetal alchemist the live action movie #live action #fullmetal alchemist #recap #photo recap #ed elric #al elric #though putting al as a credit in this one seems like a stretch cuz he just freakin sat there the whole time #hawkeye #colonel mustang #maes hughes #shou tucker #just can't have enough shou tucker #Can you even believe that this went so quickly when I finally just did it? Amazing. Amazing how little productivity I had last year wow. #Hopefully this year I can get this blog back up to old productivity #we'll see what happens because it's still a bit of a weird situation outside

[sunny-down-snuff-im-alright]

Journaling Attempt #1 – 8/19/2021

I had all these ideas of things I wanted to say but all I can think about right now is if I should change the format of the date to the more reasonable European way of going Day/Month/Year instead of the Month/Day/Year that I am used to. You know, to make a change. Maybe it will be THE change that I make that finally gets me on tract to being a normal person in the world and everything clicks in to place instead of this disjointed catch all, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants, somehow I manage, way things have been going so far. I watched Bo Burnham’s “Inside” special about two weeks ago and have been listening to the songs again recently. Man did that hit hard. I think like a lot of people right now it really resonated. If you haven’t seen it yet, I wouldn’t say it is ‘funny’ but it’s not not funny too. It is this weird line of being openly raw about one’s mental health – which is both refreshing and scary, and also being painfully self-aware of being open and raw about one’s mental health. The latter of which I can relate to on a cellular level. It is also very inspiring. While I’m not locking myself in a room with a camera and making a special or writing catchy songs, I am writing this. Which is the first time I am really writing anything that wasn’t an assignment or something for work. So, who knows if I am any good at this? (The self-aware portion of my brain pops in as I write that to say “You don’t know if you are any good. This is true. But you think you are good, even though you have never done anything like this before, but you are doing to post this somewhere with the though that it will be seen and impress people who read it which in turn will have them heap praise on you and give your life meaning.” It also says “This gimmick of knowing that you know is a great way of distancing yourself from everything and making yourself feel above it all and comes across as smart, you “I’m 14 years old and so deep” jack ass. You’re 43. Grow up!” And lastly “You just don’t know when you stop?” Rule of 3’s!) Anyway, I’m not completely sure what I am going to do here or what I am looking to accomplish, beside procrastinate while at work because the idea of rifling through the messages on my desk, or in my phone, or in my email, gives me a full-on legit panic attach. And not in some modern “OMG, I’m having a panic attack looking at that line in Starbucks” kind of way. No. Like real tightness in my chest, breathing getting shallow, and sweating through my shirt kind of panic attach. Luckily, I’ve got my trusty pill case here and I’ve taken a piece of a Klonopin that I have at the ready and it seems to be helping some. At least with the panic part. Not with the getting work done part. That’s where the ADHD part of my brain can still run wild and fuck stuff for me. What’s tough about that diagnosis is that in talking with my therapist (one of two that I have. One LCSW and one Psychologist) is in telling her that I’ve always been distractible or in my own head she just simply said “So you have ADHD” which in some respects is freeing because there is a label and now a known way to attack the problem. However, in trying to figure out how to attack it and become more “neuro-typical” as the kids say, is rough as we try to find the right fit. I know that is part of the process. Nothing is going to be perfect right out of the gate. But man, is it fucking hard. I just want to find the right pill to take to make me ‘normal’ so I can live in the world and be a productive and useful member of it. Of course, I know that there is no magic bullet cure-all. It will take finding the right mix of meds and supplementing that with life-style changes. Exercising more and mediating more. Eating better. Change is flippin’ hard though. And to what end? Do I want to be normal? Whatever the hell that means? I’ve always prided myself on being a little bit different. I know, I know. That makes me sound insufferable, which is totally fair and true. What was fun and endearing at 13 doesn’t fly at 40 as the father of two. That said, I have found my way to be the slightly “off” one. The one parent who doesn’t mind putting himself out there for things or be the but of the jokes. People, especially kids, can tell who can take a joke and who can’t. So, I don’t have a problem being the parent whose kids friends circle can call by name in a jokey way or let the girls on the soccer team constantly beat me in races or games. But, does taking that magic pill that I’ve yet to find, is that going to change who I am, and will I lose this more “wackier”, and one might say “passionate”, side? Will become just a regular dull drone in the sea of corporate masses? How do you hold on to the part of yourself that you feel defines you while it also appears to be killing you? Do other people ever feel this way? Does my wife? My siblings? Do you? I’m sure someone reading this just now say “Yup! I totally get what you are saying” to which I respond, “I’m so sorry as this suck, huh?”

 Talking with people helps for sure. Seeing you are not alone. But sometimes that is a hard place to get to. How much do I want to share with my wife? I know she loves me and will continue to do so and only wants the best for me. But I don’t want to open this door and unload all my own bullshit on her and now she will be constantly worried about me. Like more than the regular amount of her worrying about me because she loves me. And god forbid I actually go into this kind of detail with my therapists. Because once I do that, that means I officially have all these problems and then I have to do deal with it. So, I continue to keep things surface level. “Yeah, I’ve been depressed lately” and “so this is what is going on with my parents at the moment and how I have to deal with it” and those kinds of things. Which is still helpful. But I’ve been talking to them for years now. Does this mean I need to find new therapists? I’m such a non-confrontational person I don’t even know how to begin thinking about ‘breaking up’ with them if that is the case. And how do I even find someone else? Like most things in my life, I just kind of lucked into these ones and been coasting ever since.

 Sorry, about 5 minutes just passed as I sat here frozen at my keyboard thinking about what I just wrote and what else I might want to say and get out of my system right now. Scene:

Brain: Um, dude? What happened? You started off alright and had some amusing bits in there but then when full on confessional. I thought you wanted to be funny and stuff.

 Me: I know, I know. I just kind word vomited and went stream of consi…stream of consusious…stream of thought and that’s what came out.

 Brain: That’s the joke you are going with? Everyone reading this knows you have spell check; you could have just done that and no one would know or cared.

 Me: Yeah, I could have, but A) it gets another joke inside this bigger bit we are doing here now and B) helps endear me a little more as a grown man who has trouble spelling.

 Brain: Okay, wow. First of all, I don’t know if it really endears you to the reader or not but calling attention to it doesn’t make sense or help at all. And secondly, you never explain the joke. That ruins the joke. You’ve scene enough documentaries on comedy to know that’s how it works.

 Me: But what about being ‘meta’. Commenting on the commenting.

 Brain: Yeah, I get what you are going for but at some point, it is just tacky and uncreative.

 Me: So, you are saying this is just going to come across as obnoxious and whiney and faux-intellectual?

 Brain: Absolutely. You really just need to put on your big boy pants and suck it up, buttercup.

 Me: Shit.

 …

 Me: Want to go look at some porn? Brain: Obvious, exploitive, and immature but sure. Let’s get that dopamine hit. That always helps.

 Sponge Bob “Three Hours Later” title card

 Me: (with a heavy sigh) I hate myself.

 Brain: Me too. But I am feeling a little better so let’s get some actual work done. Me: If you say so.

 FIN

[pixelatedrose]

Soulbound part Six

First | Previous | Part 6 | Next

Ao3 link

Masterpost

Word Count: 2,651

Pairings: Platonic LAMP, Prinxiety, Logicality, background Remile

Warnings: uncensored swearing, unsympathetic Deceit, one small mention of being shot (metaphorically), if i missed anything please please tell me and if there's something in particular you want me to tag, don't be afraid to let me know!!

Summary:

Roman Prince and Logan Rose are soulmates. They’re platonic soulmates though. They both have the same Soul mark to prove it. But they both have one other soul mark, binding them to one other person. And when they find Patton Miles, it just so happens that they’re both his soulmate. Logan being his Soulbound Soulmate, and Roman being a platonic soulmate. But something feels missing. And it feels filled, shockingly so, when they meet a certain someone a year and a half after they found each other.

Chapter 6

  It was five minutes till the bell and 15 minutes ago Roman had given up on hoping Mr. Sanders and Virgil would come back. For all he knew they could be through a magical portal and would come back a day later and twice their ages and having gone incredible life changing journeys and Virgil would have realized too late that he wanted to be Roman's bestest friend in the entire world.

  Of course if that happened Roman would be pissed cause they went on a magical journey without him!!!

  "SORRY CLASS!!" Mr. Sanders announced loudly, bursting in through the door dramatically. Roman, who had been standing near the door, jumped nearly 5 feet in the air and suppressed a shriek, having it come out as a scream instead. Not much better.

  The class laughed softly and from behind the teacher, Roman saw Virgil.

  And what a sight he was.

  His eyes were tear streaked and red, but his eyes danced with joy as he held back a laugh. It was like witnessing raining stars, if you know what that is; when the sun shines on falling hail, it looks like sparkling stars streaking from the heavens.

  There were still the remnants of tears caught in his lashes and just the tip of his nose was red, matching his cheeks. And somehow, it was only then that Roman noticed his freckles, unmasked by tears and a lack of concealer.

  He was beautiful.

  And once again Roman got caught up in the moment and had forgotten where he was and what had happened.

  Virgil seemed to have caught Roman's staring and threw his hood over his head, obscuring his eyes, however failing to hide his shy smile that he thought he was so cleverly masking.

  "Well! Sorry about that but it's all over now and I would sincerely appreciate it if you didn't mention this to people!" Mr. Sanders finally said when the class settled down.

  Rose raised her hand. "I'll be happy to keep my mouth shut, but what happened exactly?"

  Mr. Sanders hesitated and Roman saw Virgil, who was still behind in the hall, stiffen up and all joy flicker off his face, his eyes shimmering with an uncomfortable glaze.

  Roman's emotions sizzled softly under his skin and he was about to turn on his friend when Mr. Sanders beat him to it in a much kinder tone.

  "That's something that I think can stay between me and my brother. Sorry, Rose."

  Had Roman been drinking anything it would be long sprayed over the rest of the class.

  Virgil and Mr. Sanders are brothers?! I mean I sort of knew they had the same last name, but I mean so does Bernie Sanders but they're not related!!!

  Roman opened his mouth to voice his disbelief, not catching the horrified look on a small emo boy's face. "Wai-"

  Ding!! Ding!! Ding!!

  Damn that bell.

  "Alright class! That's it for today and don't forget that the syllabus needs to be signed by Monday!!" Mr. Sanders called to his students who were shuffling around the room now, grabbing their books and bags and slowly filing out of the room.

  And swept up in the crowd, Roman lost sight of a purple haired boy with pale skin and pretty blue eyes.

  Roman cursed under his breath but halfway back home he silently blessed that the universe swept the small boy away from him. Virgil had obviously had a trying day. He didn't need a near stranger nagging him for information on his personal life after such a day.

~~•~~

  Virgil could have melted into the ground then and there when Thomas had announced to the whole class that they were brothers. Luckily the bell saved him and before Roman inevitably came looking for him (he had every other time of the day) Virgil slipped into the crowd and disintegrated his presence.

  He slipped into a side hall and watched Roman pass him by, a look of hot disappointment tracing his features. 

  It stung a little to watch, but Virgil could deal with a tinge of regret for a few seconds if it meant he could escape the drama of the day for a breath or two.

  After everyone was out of sight he turned around and went back into the classroom.

  "There you are!" Thomas said happily. "I thought you'd ended up running home. Which would have been fine I mean, it's your choice after all." He rubbed the back of his neck, a sheepish and sloppy grin plastered on his face awkwardly.

  Virgil nodded. "Yeah it's fine. I want to talk to you about the letters anyway." Sudden realization dawned Virgil's mind and he frantically ran a hand through his hair. "Oh god of course I overlooked things!!"

  "Hey, is everything okay, Virgil?"

  "Yeah...I mean no! I mean- ugh!!" Virgil threw his hood over his head once again. "Mom will freak out if she doesn't know where I am…" He looked up at Thomas who had disappointment glazing his eyes. Virgil tried to correct himself. "Oh!! No no, no I'll just tell her I'm at a friend's house!!" He nodded to himself. "Yeah that will work!"

  Thomas looked at him. "Alright, I'll be in my office cleaning stuff up and then we can go if you're absolutely sure."

  Virgil nodded and pulled out his phone. He opened the messaging app and clicked on his mother's profile picture. He never did like calling people. Even his mom. He'd rather send a text and plan out what he's going to say rather than be put on the spot.

  He typed out a quick message and pressed send. Two seconds later Virgil's phone lit up with the call menu. Mom was written across the top and his mother's smiling face was flashing at him.

  Dammit, mom! Don't you know that texting is easier?!

  He answered the phone bringing the violent buzzing to a stop.

  "Hheeeyyyy mom!" Virgil said awkwardly. Not that his mother noticed apparently.

  "Virgey, honey! Tell me what is it that you're doing?" She sounded genuinely confused and Virgil had to hold himself back from facepalming.

  "Mom, I sent you a text…"

  "Oh I know, baby, it's just that mummy would rather hear it from you and not some computer thing."

  "Mom it's literally the same thing."

  "Oh it is? Oh...Well I wanted to hear your voice anyway!"

  Virgil rubbed the bridge of his nose before returning to the phone. "It's fine mom! I just wanted to go and hang out and study at a friend's house. That's all."

  There was a pause on the line and Virgil knew he'd met his doom. Of course she wasn't going to let him!! He should have just walked straight home and not looked back, he should have-

  "Oh honey!! You've already made friends?!"

  It was like being shot through the skull. Virgil you idiot you don't have any friends. How can you go over to a friend's house if the friends don't fucking exist.

  "Yep!! I've already made a friend!" Virgil lied through his teeth, sweating bullets.

  "Aww!! My baby's growing up and making friends!! What's their name? What are you studying?? Who are they???"

  Shit, shit, shit, fuck, uhhhh….. Virgil thought desperately of someone he could use as a friend. And before he had completed the thought in his mind, his mouth started forming words.

  "Roman Prince." Virgil said confidently.

  Wait fuck no-

  "Oh that's lovely! Well you have fun with your new friend darling dear!! I'm expecting you home by 5:30 for dinner!!" His mother squealed, the way she half sighed half giggled the word 'Friend' sending warm shivers across his cheeks. He knew he didn't have any friends but it wasn't something to swoon over!! Virgil heard the call end and he was left with a hot, embarrassed blush across his face and his mouth open like he was ready to catch something in it.

  "She was overly excited and way too quick to accept it wasn't she?" Thomas asked, coming out of his office with a shoulder bag.

  Virgil shook himself back to the present and nodded his head. "Yeah…"

  "Yep she's like that. Doesn't care where you are but cares way too much about what you're doing. She'll probably try and read any journals you keep tonight. Either that or she won't leave you alone during dinner."

  "She was like that when you were a kid too?"

  "Oh yeah. Deva doesn't seem to have changed much, if I'm being honest. And it's only more clear now why dad left her…"

  "Oh...She's...She's not that bad, is she?"

  "I mean in my opinion yes. But I can't force you to think things."

  "Right…"

  Virgil arrived at Thomas's place after a car ride full of belting out Disney songs as loud as possible and talking about the darker meanings behind each movie, and Virgil just felt that much more comfortable around his brother.

  "And welcome to my humble abode, brother Virgil!" Thomas said theatrically.

  Virgil rolled his eyes. "I see why you're the theater teacher, now."

  Thomas smiled before cupping his hands around his mouth. "GUSS-GUSS, JAQ, I'M HOME!!"

  "You have roommates?"

  "Yeah but they don't pay rent. And they're a mess to clean up after."

  "That doesn't sound like they're good roomies…"

  "Oh they make up for it by being cute."

  Thomas walked up the stairs waving Virgil to follow. He rounded into a room that was sure to be his and flicked on the lights, strutting over to a cage on the far wall.

  Virgil took the time to drink in the room and Thomas' s house. It was nice, and it smelled more like home than "home" ever did to Virgil.

  Thomas returned holding two fluffy objects in his hands. "This is Guss-Guss and Jaq!" He said bubbly. He held out his hands which were clasped warmly and safely around two mice. "Like I said, they make up for not paying rent by being cute!"

  If Virgil didn't have pride he would have cooed and melted at the sight of the puffballs. "Can I…?" He gestured in an odd way that somehow got his point across.

  "Yes! Yes you can hold them!" Thomas was delighted.

  He handed Virgil the two soft rodents and Virgil squeaked in delight, reminiscent of the mice themselves.

~~•~~

  An hour later, after eating leftover cake, watching Thomas try (and fail) to slide down his banister majestically, and talking about emo bands they were (or are in Virgil's case) into, Virgil and Thomas sat on the couch in the living room, Virgil absently feeding Guss-Guss little bits of coconut shavings.

  "So," Thomas began, Jaq falling asleep in his shirt pocket. "You wanted to talk about the letters? What do you want to talk about?"

  "I don't really know…" Virgil confessed. "I guess I just wanted to talk about them to get to know you better, but I don't know...I already feel like I know you." Virgil paused to pick up the mouse in his lap and delicately placed him on his shoulder. "The other thing was that I wanted to answer all the questions you asked me. But it feels silly just listing them off myself, so-"

  "What's your favorite color?" Thomas interrupted Virgil, a faint and warm smile on his face.

  "What?"

  "What's your favorite color? It was one of the first questions I asked in a letter I think." Thomas's words were soft but his eyes were beaming, as if he was the most clever person ever. "So. What's your favorite color?"

  Virgil smiled widely. "Purple!"

  Two hours later Virgil was being dropped off. He had talked the entire time about things they did, stories Thomas had missed out on, and Virgil's interests. It so happened that Thomas shared a lot of them. They almost got caught up talking about Avatar the last airbender for nearly half an hour towards the end of their talk, and still had a million things they wanted to know.

  "Hey drop me off here!" Virgil asked.

  "Why? Your house is still a block away."

  "I know, but I don't want mom to know I was with you."

  "Ah. That makes a little more sense." Thomas pulled over and let Virgil out of the car.

  Virgil did a double take before running up to the drivers side window and reaching through, giving his older brother the best hug he could from where he was.

  "Thanks, Thomas. I'll see you tomorrow!"

  "See you tomorrow, Virge!!" Thomas called out to the purple haired boy.

  Virge… Virgil had never actually been called Virge before. His mother always ended it with a cutesie "y" at the end, making him feel like a toddler.

  He found that he enjoyed the way Virge sounded.

  It suited him.

  He liked it.

~~•~~

  A boy called Deceit sat in his room thinking. He wanted to get the purple haired boy to be his new puppet friend victim. He stood up and crossed his room, fishing a clean notebook out of an all too messy desk, in the process disturbing the bracelets on his wrist causing a hint of a tattoo to catch the light.

  The boy called Deceit panicked and dropped the notebook, slapping a hand down around his wrist. He took a few calming breaths and adjusted his bracelets again. He picked up his notebook and began writing everything he knew about the purple haired boy down.

  He's reserved.

  But not afraid to talk back.

  He's been through shit and I'll put him through hell.

  He seems fairly depressed and easy to manipulate.

  Use that against him.

  Or don't.

  He's drawn to Roman Prince. That's a problem. I can probably fix that with time.

  He's the new drama teacher's little brother. And at least I'm not an idiot like the rest of this dull lot and I know who the new teach is.

  I can use that too.

  A short boy who was called Deceit thought back to Roman Prince and how he was tied up in all of this when a grand idea struck him as he scribbled out what he had previously written about the semi-popular boy.

  Oh I can use that.

  Oh now this will be a fun game to play!!

~~•~~

  Patton got home from school that day, a little sad that he wasn't able to walk home with Logan that day. His boyfriend had said that he wanted to start going to Chess Club as soon as possible and heaven knows that Chess Club is B O R I N G.

  It had been a particularly odd day for Patton, emotions-wise. He had a slight prickle of dread in him for the first half, followed by tiny warm fuzzies that didn't last too long. That was replaced by more dread bubbles that burst into full blown betrayal and regret by the time 6th period was rolling around.

  It had evened out though, Patton felt unusually happy and content for the rest of the day. It had been a weird few days, but it wasn't something he could help.

  Hormones, amiright?

  Patton flopped down onto his bed and sighed happily. It had been a long while since he had been this blissfully content with his life. He glanced over at his fishtank- He was allergic to cats and his parents wouldn't let him have a dog no matter how much he begged, so he settled for fish.

  Fish and dogs were basically the same thing, right? I mean there was such a thing as a catfish so dogfishes must also exist.

  Patton giggled happily to himself as he imagined a fish on a leash, floppy little dog ears sprouting from its scaly head.

  Something felt right.

  Something felt calm.

  It felt like there were going to be good days ahead.

  And Patton couldn't wait to greet them.

Authors notes:

So uh yeah good news. This chapter WASN'T late!! In fact it's EARLY!! Yeah so i got hit with some mad insomnia last night and ended up writing a whole bunch. It's not a long chapter, but i think it's a good break from all the angst. Don't get too comfy though~

Anyway, love you all and stay fresh and minty my shiny folks!! 💛

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#logan sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders #virgil sanders #deceit sanders #thomas sanders #ts logan #ts patton #ts roman #ts virgil #ts sides #sanders sides #logicality #prinxiety #highschool au #soulmate au #Soulbound Au #sanders sides fic #ts sides fic

[thisnerdsadventures]

2020 is over (finally)

So obviously 2020 was a bit of a shitshow and everyone is eagerly awaiting 2021 as if it will automatically grant us mercy because of the hellhole that 2020 was. Honestly - same, I really have such low expectations for 2021 that they make my 2020 resolutions seem like such high reaches.

Even though 2020 was ... 2020, I still feel like I did accomplish to some extent my goals for the year. I didn’t write them out on this blog, but I think broadly, my goals were

to work out more - I definitely think I did this on and off. Like many, I took up running, and actually stuck with it for a while, so I’m very happy about that. I think I’ll keep that as a goal for 2021, and probably every year, otherwise I won’t actually keep myself accountable on it lol

to follow through on things more - this was the high key most vague goal I have ever published on the internet omg, but I think this was in reference to how I always flake on my hobbies halfway through, like if I’m trying to learn a language or write music or actually learn photography skills. I think I did accomplish this - my Duolingo streak is up to 200 (though not in Mandarin smh) and I dropped my mixtape a few days ago. I think I would say I did a good job here.

advocate or something?????? - something something Amplify!!?!??!? there was definitely a very solid attempt here, and i have no idea what this was referring to anyways, but I definitely feel like this is a long-term goal for the next 5, 10 years regardless.

How the year went:

Honestly in the beginning of it all, I wasn’t feeling 2020 very much. There was a lot going on in my life, and I wasn’t feeling my classes. I think I just needed a bit of a shakeup. And then there was a shakeup, and I was like, “no, not that kind of shakeup.” And then we went home, and then I graduated from college, I interned at Google again, I started my MEng in Cambridge, had fun with my friends, got a full-time job for next year, went home again for the winter, and now we’re here.

For better or worse, the main theme of this year was definitely “reflection” -  a whole ton of it. With so much time at home, I had a lot of time to think and overthink everything in my life, past present and future. I thought about my friends from years past and why we didn’t talk anymore. I reflected a lot on my MIT years, how I wish I had made a couple key decisions very differently, and how that would’ve affected my present. I thought about all the things I should’ve done. I thought about who I was, and how I changed, and how it took me years to finally find a skin I was comfortable in. I thought about my current friends and whether they’d stick around. I thought really hard about how I treated other people and how they treated me, and whether that was ok. I journaled a lot, and read a lot of poetry to find answers, and failed to find them. I thought about whether I’d have friends in the future. I thought about whether people were supposed to feel alone in this world, or whether I’d find a home in New York, where I’m going next year.

And I changed a lot of my expectations from life - after some time, finally I started to expect less of myself in a time where getting things done is literally impossible sometimes. From other people, I expected less, and am unsure how to feel about reaching that conclusion, whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing. From life, I expected it to give me nothing and to throw everything bad possible in my way, because for a while, it seemed like that’s what it was trying to do. (That actually sounds really depressing, but it means that I started making the moves to make my life better on my own, and I don’t stop anymore to wait for the universe to magically make it happen.)

A lot of this reflection surrounded events in my life - finally, mentally letting go of people in the past (i.e. giving up on them lol), losing a friendship, feeling incredible loneliness and anxiety during the pandemic, failing to find fulfillment in my research. I wonder if COVID didn’t happen, if 2020 would’ve gotten better for me. I think a lot about how I was supposed to go to Europe, go to Michigan, go to New York, visit DC, Seattle, Chicago, etc. I think a lot about if COVID didn’t happen, would I still have the friends I had, would I still have made the friends I did, would my expectations of myself and others have changed in the ways they did? I don’t know. My mental health would probably not be in shambles though. I’d probably sleep easier at night. To be honest, I think a lot about this post, and I have no real, solid conclusions about 2020, it was a very rough year, and the only thing I can say is “I’m glad I’m alive, and that’s all the good I need to extract out of it.” 

But of course, there were some pretty key highlights that still happened, so I’ll just bullet that here

I interned at MSFT! Everyone was very very nice, though it fully cemented the fact that I absolutely do not want to do data analytics, ever

I took this negotiation class, which will likely be the peak class I took at MIT, which is fine tbh. Honestly wish I took more adventurous classes at MIT, but that’s a topic to dissect another day

I actually got published this year lol, first authored a paper, I sometimes forget about this [x]

I spent like literally 80 hours helping my friend campaign for the undergrad assoc election over 2 weeks, which was a really strange tangent in my life

I graduated!! from MIT!! What a dream <3 honestly still shocked they accepted me

I became the CTO of amplify, our nonprofit org

I interned at google cloud and absolutely rocked my internship project

I chaired for the alibaba committee for mitmunc china (virtual)

I started my Masters program

I joined this new club on campus, which is our campus chapter of the google developer student club, which is really just me refusing to actually ever leave google

I became an interviewer for MIT

I got like 6 job offers and accepted an offer to work at Stripe next year!

I dropped a mixtape lol and have some exciting stuff planned in a couple weeks re:music if things go through

Ah, I should have some goals for next year:

graduate with my Masters! can be from Killian, or from living room. I have an entire photo shoot with my friends for grad pics and you know I have an entire countdown waiting for the day I can post those pictures

continue to learn languages! because what else am i going to do with my time. maybe this will finally be the year i learn mandarin....... nope that’s setting the bar too high

read more! I should read more. I really should because it is embarrassing how little I read. I should really read more. I should have a goal of reading 12 books next year ! Yes, we are setting the goal low, but again, low expectations!

Actually, I also want to apply to some MBA programs, so I’m writing that down here to manifest it

See my friends again - I have pretty reasonable hopes that 2021 will let us at some point see each other, whether it be during the spring, the summer, the winter, maybe exactly one year from now on 12/31/21, idk, but it will happen! Manifest that

Make like 2 friends..... ok make one (1) new friend.,,,,,

Let go of old things from 2020 that I miss or wish would happen. Open myself to new things.

please, please 2021, be better lol

[limitless-rose]

The Signs as things I wanted to be when I grow up

[This has literally been in my drafts since December because I wasn't sure if each option matched with the sign I chose but whatever (it's also a long post again, oof)

Also I didn't really post anything related to 2020 so... Happy New Year, let's hope something good will happen this decade!! 💖]

♈ Aries: Be part of the army. I was quite fascinated by the idea of guns and protecting the nation and actually getting my life together. I was actually thinking about it for quite a while until I realized that in order to get accepted (at least according to the Greek system) you need to have excellent grades (especially maths/physics), to be taller that 165cm and to be excellent in sports. Guess what, I don't understand physics/science/chemistry, I've been about 158cm for the past 3 years and the only two sports I'm good at are badminton and tennis (while you need to be good at running, swimming and things like that I guess 😕)

✧

♉ Taurus: A chef/baker. Cooking and baking always seemed pretty fun. I would always sit by my grandma whenever she cooked/baked goodies and observe the whole process. I also got inspired by the movies "The Princess and the Frog" and "Ratatouille" and thought that one day I could possibly come up with my own recipes and open my own restaurant. But while growing up I realized that I can't cook properly when I'm stressed/multi-tasking (I'm capable of burning the food AND the kitchen if I get slightly distracted, ooof)

✧

♊ Gemini: A TV presenter or a weather woman. My mom told me that from the age of three I would always pretend to talk to an audience and answer questions from the callers or announce news/talk about the weather. Maybe that explains why I talk to thin air (as if I was a YouTuber) about anything and everything when I'm alone. Though it sounds cool, I don't really think I could do it now because I have social anxiety.

✧

♋ Cancer: A writer. I really like writing, I don't know why. Authors have been inspiring me since my childhood, I remember I used to read so many books and try to write something of my own based on it. 😅 I like taking notes and then re-writing them more neatly. I like re-doing old homework in a different style and see if I have improved. I really like writing in a diary/a bullet journal too, I feel like it's much better than bothering others with my problems anyway. I also love coming up with random scenarios/stories/characters and writing about it but I don't know if I should share it. Idk, sometimes I feel like my writing is a bit boring or that it's nothing that impressive. So, honestly, if more people took writers seriously instead of thinking it's a hobby as it doesn't always pay well (when did the world even start revolving around money that much, oml) and if I was more confident about my work I'd definitely chose to become a writer/author (I'm still keeping it as a hobby no matter what I end up doing, lol).

✧

♌ Leo: A model. Omg, I honestly don't know why I even thought of it. Probably because I really liked watching ANTM when I was younger (and I specifically chose the American version because the one we have in my country makes me cringe a lot, just hearing girls from my school talking about it is painful). My friends also liked the outfits that I put together or how I would always pose for pictures (a few years ago, I'm too awkward now asdfghjkl). Looking at it now it's just so funny. There's literally so much competition in the name of beauty, the community can get kinda toxic sometimes and the standards are pretty high. Also I'm way too short and I still can't walk like a normal person when wearing high heels lol.

✧

♍ Virgo: A teacher. Specifically, a teacher for elementary or even kindergarten. Back then, the concept of teaching seemed pretty fun to me and I had lots of ideas about how to make class more interesting. The thing is that I have good chemistry with most kids and I actually kinda dislike teenagers because of how rebellious we can get when it comes to school (idk but like teens in my country are like pretty rude to everyone 😐). I'm not so sure about it now, though it's still an option.

✧

♎ Libra: A psychologist. I always liked helping others out and offering advice when they're having a tough time and I was also curious to see what makes each person feel angry, sad or stressed and the way they respond. It's also interesting because you can learn a lot about someone's personality, preferences and way of thinking or understand what caused someone to commit a crime. I still really like psychology and it's one of my main options for uni. The only problem is that psychology is pretty much overrated in my country so people say it's best to choose something else. 😒

✧

♏ Scorpio: A criminologist. And, surprisingly, I still want it. I was always intrigued by things that required research, was interesting in learning what caused a murder/crime to be committed and I would always watch crime thrillers with my dad. I also like it because it's a field of Sociology which is one of my favorite subjects. I'm just hoping finals aren't super difficult so I can get accepted in the college that I want on the first try lol.

✧

♐ Sagittarius: A flight attendant. Back then I found it kinda fun, as I was always curious about what going on a plane is like. It could also be because of their outfits (like the ones you see in movies or in Britney's MV for Toxic, idk why 😅). Plus I would get to travel around the world without paying as much as the passengers. But then, at the age of 14-15 I got on an airplane 4 times and I saw that it wasn't really like the movies and that literally everyone ignored the flight attendant so yeah, it's not an option anymore. ✈️

✧

♑ Capricorn: A fashion designer. So because I would always draw and constantly ask for new crayons/markers and other art supplies, my mom bought me a few coloring books that focused on fashion. It came along with stickers, stencils, ideas for Victorian dressses, advice for how to design lace or mermaid tail dresses and I was so impressed. A few years later, my grandma showed me a few dresses that she had made for my mom when she was younger (which were so gorgeous like I'm definitely going to wear one of them on my graduation day) and taught me sewing. I also got to see these small floral designs that you usually see on lingerie and it was so pretty, I wish I could do it as perfectly as her. I decided to follow my grandma's advice and keep it as a hobby instead (because she ended up doing nothing but designing clothes and repairing them which she regrets 🧵🧶).

✧

♒ Aquarius: An astronaut. This was pretty random, I have to admit. I guess I really liked space and looking at at the stars in the night sky. I read a few books about space and learned a few things about NASA back in elementary too, though I realized that it's something I could never really do, as you have to sacrifice a lot. I'm still fascinated by this profession but there's no way I could ever do it, since I can't even understand basic physics or mathematics. 🤷‍♀️

✧

♓ Pisces: An artist. Honestly I didn't really care if most artists didn't get recognition/fame or if they didn't earn enough money, I just wanted to make art because I liked it. It's also fun because while you are expressing your thoughts through an art piece, another person might interpret it differently, based on their likings and thoughts. Art also plays an active role in my life: I've been drawing and painting since I was 5 and I would always watch the show with Bob Ross on TV with my grandma. Instead of completely giving up on this idea, I thought that I could choose another profession (also my family didn't really like the thought of me doing art for a living 😐) and keep art as a hobby.

#astrology #zodiac #aries #taurus #gemini #cancer #leo #virgo #libra #scorpio #sagittarius #capricorn #aquarius #pisces #me and my thoughts #yeah idk #for fun ig #at least for me #random

[lovejennieb01]

Things I want to do while on lockdown.

So like I said in my last post.... I’m bored. Really bored. Really, really bored. And this isolation/lockdown thing is meant to last three weeks. Now, I love my bedroom, I love being inside, in the warmth, protected from the world. But I don’t like being told what to do. 

While I’m stuck inside I wanted to find something to do, hence the reason I’m writing this. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, but that’s not why I’m here and we’re not getting sidetracked like we (I) did in the last post. 

I want to make a list of things and ideas that I want to do, and maybe you to do, while we’re all stuck inside and only allowed to go out once a day. 

1. Tidy my room. 

This is something I say most weeks, I’m gonna tidy my room when I’m off. I’m gonna tidy my room tonight. And I never do. It could be laziness, it could just be a typical teen thing (gotta use that excuse while I can). Now it’s not dirty, it’s just untidy with things that aren’t where they need to, something I’ve used and haven’t put back away. I’ve also done a mini makeover recently on my bedroom so there’s still bits and bobs I need to get for that. 

2. Get some form of skin routine. 

Making a habit of drinking more water, eating better, washing it regularly. I go through cycles of this of “omg gonna have such good skin” and it maybe lasts like a week. My skin care routine is normally better when I’m wearing makeup because I hate the feel of stuff on my face so I like a really deep cleanse to get rid of my makeup so my skin feels like it can breathe again! 

3. Start a bullet journal. 

I started one of these a few weeks ago but I didn’t really get the concept of it. I still don’t. I think it’s just an artsy farty way of saying I have a diary, but it’s something I’d love to try and get into, hopefully to make me a lot more organised. There’s a lot of lists and things to do and goals to set yourself pages in the ones I’ve seen. One I’d love to do is a habit tracker, so you make a note of things that are important like drinking more water, taking you’re makeup off properly, wanting to do something everyday like taking the dog on a longer walk, or going to the gym, meditating or reading a book for half an hour. So yeh that’s something I’d really like to try and get into. 

4. Start introducing some exercise. 

I have a weighted hula hoop that I’d like to start doing more often because it’s sooo easy to do and actually is classed as a HIIT exercise! You can watch tv or listen to some music, I hate going to the gym I always feel so out of place there. Obviously at the moment going to the gym isn’t something I can do with the current situation, but little things at home. I heard on the radio that Joe Wicks is starting P.E. lessons on YouTube on a morning for the kiddies that are off school... might have to start at a lower level and work my way up before getting too carried away.... 

5. Getting a healthy relationship with food.

Ideally while I’m off I’d like to get better with food, I love my food and I have a really sweet tooth. But when I’m off I can start to eat out of boredom... and I’m already bored.... I’d love to be able to have 3 substantial meals in a day. Preferably at set times as well. I’m suck a snacker, I would rather just graze my way through the day. I always start with breakfast but after that, especially when I’m at home there’s just no order after that. I eat what I want and when I want to eat it. 

6. Keep my routine. 

So getting up at roughly the same time every morning. My alarm goes off at 7am when I’m at work, so maybes 7.30am at the latest through the week, especially on a Saturday... I think that will be hardest to do, getting up that early on a Saturday. I don’t want to start having sleep ins here and there and then having normality to get back to being the hardest thing in the world. 

7.   Make some time for reading. 

At the beginning of the year I made a New Years resolution to myself that I wanted to make more time for reading, and in the first week I read a whole book in 2 days. Since then, I haven’t finished the one I started after that. And it’s a shame really because it’s such a good book! So I’d like to try and set aside half an hour in my day, be it at the start or end or even somewhere in the middle... I’d like to try and finish this damn book. Then struggle to find something else to read. 

I know it’s a long read and thanks for staying if you’re still here! I didn’t realise it was going to be so long, when I planned out it didn’t look that bulky but when I start talking you’ll struggle to stop me.... anyways! 

Love jennieb xx

#home & lifestyle #lifestyle #blog #lockdown #uk #blogger #coronavirus #things to do #list #home #bored #should have made a tik tok

[helena-studyblr]

a post no one asked for!

hello so i reblogged a questionnaire a lil bit ago and i’m going to answer them now because...why not

1. how old are you?

im 18!

2.  are you in high school or college(university)?

college

3. what year or grade are you in high school or (university)? 

im a freshman in college

4. what is your school’s grading system look like? do you like it? what problems do you have with it, if any? 

so my university has a standard letter grade system for most classes and pass/fail for some courses that don’t really need a grade. i do like it because it’s what i’m used to, however, a lot of times having a letter grade system can be more stressful because it makes you feel like anything but some kind of A is mediocre and not good enough, when in reality, a 75% or above is better than average.

5. if you are in high school do you plan on going to university or college? if you are in college do you plan on finishing and if you do, do you plan on continuing on to other graduate or professional schools? 

i plan on going to veterinary school after i finish my undergraduate degree! if i end up changing my major to my second choice(music education is my second choice), then of course I won’t be going to vet school.

6. if you are high school what do you plan to study in college, if you plan to go. if not, what do you plan on doing after high school? if you are in college what is your major? do you plan on changing it? 

i am currently studying biochemistry and molecular biology and i have a minor in music! i dont plan on changing it at this point, but if i do, i’d change it to music education.

7. why are you picking or why did you pick what you are currently studying? 

i want to go to vet school, and biochemistry has almost all the requirements for vet school admissions. also, i find it interesting

8. do you go/plan to go to community college, technical college, or a four-year institution? how did you make your decision, or how do you plan to?

i am at a 4 year university, and i went here because it fits what i want to do

9. what factors did you consider when picking a college, or what factors do you plan on considering? 

the college I chose is in my hometown, which is probably one of the deciding factors(i really wanted to be close to home). the campus is very pretty and small as well, and i really wanted to go to a small college. i could have potentially gone to The Ohio State University because i’m about 20 minutes away, but the camous is so big and i know i would have hated it. the school also has a good music program, soi can continue playing even though it isn’t my major

10. what is your favorite pencil?

i love my muji mechanical pencil and also the papermate clearpoint!

11. what are your top three favorite pens?

pilot juice, muji gel pens, and sharpie pens

12. do you prefer wide-ruled paper, college-ruled, dot-grid, or graph paper? 

college ruled is my favorite for class notes, graph paper for revised/nice notes/math work, and blank for planning generally

13. do you use different types of paper for different courses or classes?

i use college ruled for almost everything except math homework(i use graph)

14. do you use a backpack/bag for school or college and what kind is it? why did you choose it? price, quality, function, design? 

i use a backpack, i have no idea what brand it is, but its the perfect size for everything i need to take to classes and its also really pretty(it has a black background with flowers on it)

15. what is your favorite outfit to go to class in and why? 

i generally wear leggings and a sweatshirt/sweater just because they’re comfy and also look cute! if its warm enough, i wear flip flops but if not, i wear my vans or converse.

16. what is something you always have to have in your backpack or bag?

usually my laptop and pencil case

17. what is your least favorite subject and why? 

math!!!!!!! will always hate. guarunteed. 

18. have you ever gone to tutoring, if so, how has it helped your academic endeavors? 

i have not

19. have you ever seeked academic counseling, if so has it helped you?

i haven’t

20. has your mental health ever suffered during high school or college, and what did you do to cope? 

holy shit yes. i suffer from depression and anxiety(depression for almost a year and anxiety for 4 years). i could make a whole post about this but in general, i make sure i give myself time to relax. it can be so so hard to take care of yourself when you suffer with things like this, so even if you can barely get out of bed, try to make time to do things that make you happy. for me, it’s drawing, netflix, and video games.

21. do you like to listen to music when studying? if so, what genre, if you have a playlist share it! 

i do listen to music! i just listen to music i like, which is rock/pop punk/alt rock/etc. (here’s one of my playlists!: https://open.spotify.com/user/helenakitten14/playlist/4R6ZGIlz8K5UDEk80cVfV5?si=cXK0z3HTRUKCQSKx9F8tNA )

22. do you prefer to study at a library or at home at your desk?

depends what i’m working on and how much i have to do. if i feel like i have to be totally focused, i go to the library, but if i have some time to take breaks and get distracted, i just stay in my room. I also hate going to the library on my own, so sometimes i stay in my room anyway if no one can come with.

23. what are your top three items you keep on your desk?

my lamp, my laptop, and whatever drink i’m drinking while working( i always have a drink so i avoid snacking lol)

24. do you feel as if you are more productive during the day or in the evenings? 

evenings for sure

25. if you exercise, do you feel as if it affects your productivity and if so how? 

i do marching band which is usually my exercise, but i don’t work out. working out just exhausts me and i don’t have energy to begin with(ye ye depression)

26. do you participate in any extracurriculars and if so how do you manage your time?

marching band and wind ensemble! i’m also joing KKPsi, which is an honorary fraternity for music service! i am not great at time management, however, i plan out everything to hold myself accountable

27. do you use a bullet journal, a planner, or to-do lists? do you use a combination of all three? 

i use a combo of all three! i’ve been bullet journalling a lot recently, but i also use a planner during busy weeks when i dont have time to make a spread and i make to do lists for weekends

28. do you have a note-taking style?

nothing specific

29. do you have a color-coding system?

i like to make every different topic/spread a different color. also, when i make notes, i like to highlight vocab words.

30. what do you believe is one of the most overrated studyblr trends? 

100 days of productivity. its impossible to be completely productive for 100 days straight. shit happens, and i understand the purpose of the 100 days challenge, but i think it also takes a toll on you mentally.

31. what are your career goals, how do you plan to reach them? 

i want to be a veterinarian or someone that works with animals somehow. i hope to go to vet school and then have my own practice or join another practice.

32. do you use a laptop? if so which model? how does it perform, would you reccomend it? if not, what model would you like?

i use a macbook air! it is nice because it is easy to transport, but occasionally the functionality can be questionable(storage space is always my issue). i do reccommend it, though. if i could get a new laptop, i’d probably get a macbook pro. 

33. do you use a tablet? if so which model? how does it perform, would you reccomend it? if not, what model are you interested in?

i don’t, but i think having an iPad would be nice!

34. if you post pictures to tumblr, do you use a camera or your phone, if so, what is the model? 

i use my iPhone 6s

35. 0.5, 0.7, or 0.9 pencil lead? 

usually .5 or .7

36. 0.5, 0.7, 0.9, or 1.0 pens? 

.5

37. how many hours a day do you spend studying? are your hours consistent daily or do they differ depending on assignments and exams? 

i tend to study for a majority of the day most days, but it always differs. i have no set timetable

38. how many courses do you take? what are they?

so i am in 8 courses right now. Biology, Gen Chem, Bio Lab, Gen Chem Lab, Calculus I, The History of rock n roll, Wind Ensemble, and Marching band.

39. how long until you graduate? in credit hours, semesters, or years?

i still have 3.5 years left of college, which is 7 semesters

40. how did you find the studyblr community?

honestly i dont remember, it was so long ago

41. how did the studyblr community impact you? 

i was in a big funk my sophomore year of high school. i had no motivation, i hated learning, i hated everything tbh. but them i found this community and it inspired me and showed me that studying can be fun and pretty while also being a learning experience!

42. do you go to school in the day or night?

day!

43. what is something you are too afraid to be involved in at school or college and why? 

 in high school, i was very afraid to get involved with a lot of things, such as theatre and some other clubs just because of anxiety.

44. do you type or write your notes? 

i write them mostly, but my biology professor talks really fast so i usually type notes for his class

45. what do you do on your breaks from studying? 

netflix, eat, play video games, probably other stuff i’m forgetting

46. how do you study for math exams?

honestly i just look through lecture notes and hope for the best. occasionally i do practice problems but not often

47. do you rewrite your notes at home after class, or do you just use the ones you have already? why? 

i rewrite them because it helps me memorize things

48. what are your least favorite courses and why?

math of any kind! i also hate biology right now just because my professor sucks

49. are you in a relationship while in school? if so, why? if not, why? 

i recently got out of a relationship, but im open to being in a relationship with someone

50. if you are in a relationship, how do you manage that along with your studies? 

it was very hard to manage it honestly, but i did what i could to make time, even if it was only just having a meal together. 

51. if you aren’t in a relationship, do you plan on entering one while still in school? explain. 

if i find the right person, yea! being in relationsips is great, especially because you have a companion to help you when you’re struggling

52. do you worry about GPA, if so why, if not why?

oh my god yes i do. i have to have a certain GPA to keep my scholarship money and to stay in the honors program, plus i just want to do well.

53. did you or do you plan to take the SAT or ACT, how did you feel about the exams? did you study for them? have you taken it more than once?

i did take both the SAT and ACT. i did well on each, but the SAT was a lot harder for me. I got a 1220(i think) on the SAT and a 31 on the ACT. i took the ACT twice

54. did you or do you plan to take the GRE, LSAT, PCAT, MCAT, DAT (or any other grad exam)? how did it go? how are you or how did you study for it? have you taken it more than once? 

i’m going to take the MCAT

55. do you or did you take AP classes is high school? how do you feel about how they prepared you for college? did your school require you to take the exam?

yes i did take AP classes! i took 9 total, and they overall did help me learn how to manage time better as well as how to study. we weren’t required to take the exams, but i always did

56. do you or did you do the IB program in high school? can you explain it more for those who are unfamiliar with it? 

i did not, however the IB program is basically an intensive high school honors program that is very writing intensive. its like AP on steroids

57. do your or did you take dual-enrollment classes? how did you feel about how they prepared you for college? 

i didnt but i wish i did!

58. how many colleges or universities did you apply to or not? and why?

i applied to 5 colleges. i already knew where i wanted to go, but i wanted to be safe just in case i didnt get in, so i applied to the 5 i was most interested in. I also wanted to see if any other schools would give me a lot more financial aid.

59. how did you make friends in college or high school?

through band! in both situations

60. has your friend group stayed the same throughout your time in school?

yes actually! i’m still very close to all my high school friends and a few of them go to my college as well. of course i’ve met new people but i. also still have the same friends

61. how does your friend group influence your goals?

we all have our own goals, we just encourage each other and act as an outlet for stress

62. what is your favorite thing to learn about in your free time?

music and current events

63. what is your favorite study snack?

i like to eat carrots/pretzels with hummus or oreos

64. what is one thing that can completely make you stop studying? 

being depressed or tired

65. are there days during the week that you keep completely free from studying? 

yes. wednesdays are my hell days class-wise, so i refrain from doing work on those days after my classes are over

66. what do you do when you have to hustle? where do you go? 

i dont know what this means

67. are your parents or family supportive of your goals? if so how does this affect you? 

they’re very supportive!

68. do you like to read? and do you ever have any free time to do so?

i really love reading but i never have time

69. do you wear a watch? why or why not? what kind? 

nope, they annoy me

70. do you like to drink coffee or tea when working? decaf? what do you add to it? why do you like to drink coffee or tea? 

coffee with full caffeine! i always add creamer, and i drink it because it wakes me up 

71. how do you organize your notes after your finish writing them? 

i have notebooks for every class and binders as well

72. what do you do with your notes after the year or semester is over?

i either recycle them if they won’t be necessary anymore or i keep them in my closet

73. what are your favorite studyblrs?

studyign, emmestudies, and a lot more that i can’t think of

74. what are your favorite studygrams?

same as above except add on focusign and revisign!

75. what is the biggest impact a teacher or a professor has had on you?

my band director was very impactful on my life just because he was my teacher for 5 years, so we had a good relationship

76. what is the biggest impact that a class has had on you?

my film and lit class had a massive impact on me. it made me think in very different ways

77. who is your inspiration and who do you look up to academic wise and career wise? 

my dad inspires me a lot because he worked so hard to find a career he loved and kept going until he got there. he’s also endlessly supportive of me

thats it! this took me so long hahaha anyway. thanks for reading!

#student #studying #studyblr #questions #study questions #q and a #study notes #my post #mine

[woodenwedges]

1 through 100. Let's go! Answer em aaaalll!

Omg Kate you’re absolute mad!!! Thanks tho’ I love answering these things ❤️😁Hoo boy here we go!1. What is you middle name?Don’t have one! Neither does my brother.2. How old are you?203. When is your birthday?The 15th of may 🌸4. What is your zodiac sign?Taurus ♉️🐃5. What is your favorite color?Baby pink! 6. What’s your lucky number?Dunno about lucky number but my favorite number is 77. Do you have any pets?Yep! Two dogs.One sweet, blonde girl named Emsi (based on the danish word Emsig meaning officious)And a neurotic chihuahua named Henry. We got them both cause their owners no longer could take care of them and I love them to the moon and back ❤️8. Where are you from?Hirtshals in Denmark! I love my town to death9. How tall are you?Uuuh around like 1,65 m10. What shoe size are you?3911. How many pairs of shoes do you own?Too many.... we get a lot of free stuff so I have a lot. Probably around 10 pairs?12. What was your last dream about?The only thing I remember from my last dream was that I got a pimple on my forehead lol13. What talents do you have?I’m good at art, dancing and just performing in general and I’m getting pretty good with makeup!14. Are you psychic in any way?Nope15. Favorite song?Right now it’s brain damage and eclipse from The Dark Side of The Moonby Pink Floyd. They remind me of my mom ❤️16. Favorite movie?Don’t actually have one! But the last film I think I saw was carol and I absolutely loved it.17. Who would be your ideal partner?Just someone who’s intelligent and kind I guess! And has a similar sense of humor18. Do you want children?I do, but I’m probably never gonna birth any cause I have an illness I don’t want to risk transferring and also might be going on T soon!!19. Do you want a church wedding?I don’t really care20. Are you religious?Nah. I’m a spiritual atheist21. Have you ever been to the hospital?Only as a visitor. I’ve gone to the emergency room but I’ve never been admitted.22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?Nope23. Have you ever met any celebrities?My cousins a model who’s dating one of the Danish x-factor judges so yea.24. Baths or showers?BATHS25. What color socks are you wearing?White. I prefer just plain whites rn, but there’s was a time in my life where I always wore fun, colorful socks and never matching them26. Have you ever been famous?Lol no but a stranger did come up to me last week and told me she’s a huge fan of my work ❤️ a lot of the locals like my watercolor portraits27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?Honestly yea I do fantasize a lot about it 28. What type of music do you like?Music is a huge part of my life! My main Spotify playlist is 161 hours now and it’s all extremely diverse!The only music I don’t particularly like is blues and trap cause i find it boring. Right now I’m really into old grungy rock, punk, experimental stuff, rap and disco 💃🏼 29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?Sure have! I did it countless times this summer at the beach. There’s nothing more freeing than swimming naked in the ocean 💙30. How many pillows do you sleep with?Just one, but it’s a really good one. Oh and sometimes and extra one just to cuddle 31. What position do you usually sleep in?Fetus position is my fav but I’m trying not to do that cause it’s bad for your back32. How big is your house?Pretty big. Two stories plus a garage where my friends and I hang out. And also a two bedroom annex33. What do you typically have for breakfast?Toast or oatmeal with nuts and berries34. Have you ever fired a gun?No35. Have you ever tried archery?I tried it a couple of weeks ago and it was really fun! 36. Favorite clean word?I like words like clean and crystal and chemical 37. Favorite swear word?Fuck.38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?Don’t remember. Pretty long. But I’ve started to be very careful with sleep cause my mental health REALLY depends on it39. Do you have any scars?Lots. Anything from self-harm to getting burned by a marshmallow lmao40. Have you ever had a secret ?Bitch my whole personality used to be a secret. So yea a lot41. Are you a good liar?Yup. I’m very creative and anxious so if I feel like I’ve done something I shouldn’t I immediately have a good lie ready. Also I’ve had some problems with compulsive lying whoops42. Are you a good judge of character?Nooo not really cause I always feel bad for disliking ppl so I force myself to keep an open mind. But I’ve learned to just follow my instincts a bit more43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?I’m pretty good at like southern American accents and also an American accent In Danish is so fun and cute. 44. Do you have a strong accent?It’s pretty strong. I used to fake a British accent out of embarrassment but then I started feeling pretentious so I let it go45. What is your favorite accent?I love a Colombian accent and French ofc. Also Indian and Chinese. Oh and a lot of African ones too, especially the ppl from Congo! But I love accents in general. They’re literally my go to ASMR trigger46. What is your personality type?INFP47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?My winter jacket... my mom wanted to buy me one that was new and when we finally found one that didn’t give me dysphoria I was so excited I forgot to look at the price tag... and she just bought it for me anyway.48. Can you curl your tongue?Yea and I can stick it between my tooth gap49. Are you an innie or an outie?Outie all the way50. Left or right handed?Right51. Are you scared of spiders?No, I used to have pretty severe arachnophobia but i worked through it and now I actually really love them! Also I don’t care how scared you are of them, don’t you dare kill them in front of me! That makes me so uncomfortable. Just let me know there’s a spider and I’ll get it safely outside for you 52. Favorite food?Love sushi with crab meat or fried shrimp!53. Favorite foreign food?Well probably sushi? Lol. Or anything Italian!54. Are you a clean or messy person?Super messy but I’m trying my best!55. Most used phrased?“Bid I det sure æble”. Basically “bite the bullet” in English 56. Most used word?Probably bitch. I use it in an affectionate manner towards friends lmao57. How long does it take for you to get ready?Very, very long58. Do you have much of an ego?Yea I think so59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?Suck60. Do you talk to yourself?Nope. 61. Do you sing to yourself?Yes!62. Are you a good singer?I’m decent. Think I could get good if I got a vocal coach63. Biggest Fear?Getting ridiculed, being misunderstood and being unwanted 64. Are you a gossip?I love gossip...65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?I don’t really know sry!66. Do you like long or short hair?Love all hair. I love running my fingers through long hair. I prefer short hair for me tho67. Can you name all 50 states of America?LOL NO68. Favorite school subject?I really liked art and foreign language classes69. Extrovert or Introvert?HUGE introvert!70. Have you ever been scuba diving?No but I’d love to try it!71. What makes you nervous?Public embarrassment is a big one. But racism, homophobia, transphobia and misogyny will also make me very, very nervous.72. Are you scared of the dark?Not at all73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?Depends on the mistakes? Never on like grammar and stuff like that.74. Are you ticklish?Very. I can tickle myself. But then again I am schizophrenic lol75. Have you ever started a rumor?Once in high school my friends and I started a rumor that I was “a hermaphrodite” and we kept it going for years. At first it was just to fuck with people but then I started getting like a kick from it. For some reason I loved the idea of people thinking I was intersex. Aaaand that was the start of me getting gender identity issues lol76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?I used to teach dancing lessons for kids at a local church lol does that count?77. Have you ever drank underage?Only a couple of beers. But the drinking age is here is 15 so that’s not a huge problem 78. Have you ever done drugs?a couple of times. Done ecstasy and Valium once which was really fun. And I’ve tried speed a couple of times but it has no effect on me. I also love weed if you consider that a drug 79. Who was your first real crush?Had a huge crush on a guy at my boarding school. And also a girl at the school... they became a couple and I remember wanting to die asdgsa80. How many piercings do you have?None! Had a septum once, but I never had my ears pierced as a child or anything 81. Can you roll your Rs?“Yea82. How fast can you type?Pretty fast!83. How fast can you run?I’m not a great runner but I’m getting better84. What color is your hair?Blonde85. What color is your eyes?Green86. What are you allergic to?Nothing. Tho I do get allergic reactions to extreme swifts in temperature 87. Do you keep a journal?Yup!88. What do your parents do?Both retired now but my dad used to be a fisherman and my mom ran a daycare and later worked with elderly people who suffered from dementia. 89. Do you like your age?Yea?90. What makes you angry?It takes a lot to get me angry but unnecessary hate and harassment usually gets me to tick91. Do you like your own name?I really like it actually! 92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?I have but I don’t remember them... think I repressed those daydreams when I decided never to bear children :(93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?Idc94. What are you strengths?Intellectuality, kindness, curiosity, creativity and bravery. Also I get a lot of praise for being so open and aware of my mental illnesses and for fighting so fiercely to get healthy. 95. What are your weaknesses?Bad self criticism, naïvety, laziness and having trouble asking for help and taking initiative 96. How did you get your name?My brother decided it.97. Were your ancestors royalty?Pff highly doubt it98. Do you have any scars?Already answered this99. Color of your bedspread?That really popular, white IKEA one with flowers100. Color of your room?White, although I cover them up with posters, drawings and sometimes literal trash when i get psychotic cause white walls make me hallucinate like crazyThis was a fucking blast!!! Thanks Kate 😚❤️

[fallout4holmes]

Journal 5

The Personal Journal of Mr. S. Holmes

Diamond City, The Commonwealth, 2288

Valentine came by in the early afternoon while Shaun was over at Publick Occurrences, playing with Nat. They’re becoming quite the pair. The reason for the visit was a case, of a sort. Mayor Hancock of Goodneighbor had sent one of his men all the way to Diamond City to ask the detective to do some reconnaissance for him. When I asked why he didn’t use his own men, Nick pointed out that the people in Hancock’s employ tend to be more of the shooting type than the sneaking type. He insisted Hancock wouldn’t ask if he wasn’t worried.

“How well do you know Mayor Hancock?”

“Ten years or so ago, he lived here in Diamond City. Wasn’t called Hancock back then… but that’s his story to tell, not mine.”

I was intrigued. “Very well. Let me get my things together.”

“Sure. I suggest leaving the Shroud costume at home this time.”

He laughed when I came down wearing the hat.

The Mayor of Goodneighbor greeted Valentine warmly. “Good to see you, Nick.”

A friendly “Hancock,” was Valentine's response. “Have you met my partner?”

Hancock looked me over once and smiled. “Yeah, I think so. Sorry about Finn. Bad first impression on the town…” It is difficult to know where exactly a pair of black pupiless eyes are focused, but I'm certain he glanced at the hat. “Though I guess you know all about Goodneighbor's less pleasant residents.”

“A few less of those now, I hope.”

He chuckled. “If you're Nick's partner, that means you're also General of the Minutemen. Publick Occurrences makes its way up here, a couple issues old maybe, but it's good stuff. Goodneighbor's always open to you.”

Eventually, we managed to get to the reason why we were there. Pickman Gallery was a building in raider territory near the Old North Church. The raiders had been quiet. Hancock described it as “uncomfortable post-coital quiet.” If something had spooked the raiders, he wanted to know what it was. He said this as if it were a passing curiosity, but there was real concern for potential danger, too. We agreed to investigate.

As we left, Valentine asked, “Do I want to know what happened to Finn?”

“I wandered into Goodneighbor without any concept if the sort of place it was. Finn was in the middle of his extortion routine when Hancock interrupted and scolded him for it. Then Hancock killed him when Finn accused him of going soft.”

I don’t know what reaction I expected, but the only response Valentine gave was, “Never did like the womanizing bastard, anyway.”

A dead raider lay outside the Gallery door.

“Good start,” Valentine muttered.

Two raiders stood inside with their backs to the door, deep in conversation. They were there to kill Pickman, apparently the gallery owner, as soon as they could find him. More raiders were searching the building; one spotted us from the stairwell a couple floors up. A firefight ensued, ending with all the raiders dead, and we were free to step into the main room of the first floor. The “gallery.”

Valentine summed it up perfectly; “What kind of monster could think this is art?”

In the middle of the room was a pile of scrap and bodies, heads on pikes, something I’d expect to see in a super mutant’s den. The more horrifying sight were the paintings. Ten paintings hung on the walls around the room, disturbing works of abstract violence. There was something strangely visceral in their execution, the clash of red, yellow, and black evoking a deep unease… and then I realized they were painted in blood.

A recently dead body lay on the floor near the pile. A holotape in his pocket held a message of the horrible discovery of this room, and the voice of the 'artist.’ “Hold that expression on your face…”

This madman had to be stopped. We ventured upstairs but found nothing but raiders and corpses in bedrooms. On the ground floor we found the kitchen, another painting on the wall. Behind a locked door were stairs to the basement. There was a work in progress, a can of 'red’ sitting abandoned before it. Another pile of bodies lay in front of a tunnel leading further down. We descended, following the sound of raiders searching, calling out the serial killer’s name, and then the sound of discovery and battle.

We watched from atop a ledge at the scene below us, a man in a respectable suit battling raiders with nothing but knife and fist. He managed to kill one before his body was riddled with bullets. One of the raiders spotted us, firing up at our hiding spot. I responded in kind. They did not live long after.

“Well this was a mess,” Valentine said.

I agreed. We made our exit and returned to Goodneighbor. Hancock was surprised by what we’d found, to say the least. “That's messed up, even for this town.” He was also impressed. “You ended up in the abyss, but you crawled back in one piece.”

I wasn’t so certain.

Valentine could tell there was something wrong as we left. “Drinks at the Third Rail are swill, but the music's good. Clear your head before heading home.”

I nodded with a sigh, doubtful music would suffice, but willing to try. The Third Rail was the same conglomeration of drifters and criminals-for-hire I’d seen when I first came to Goodneighbor. Magnolia was singing a modern composition she may have wrote herself given its reference to Goodneighbor. It was a slow tune heavily laden with sexual innuendo. Her performance was good, even if the material wasn’t what I would ever choose to listen to. The next song was an old jazz standard, which while an improvement, was hardly of as much interest to me as the conversations I could hear beneath the music.

Why should I find the hint of criminal activity in this place of all places suspect? This was different. Every job here, every discussion, was told in plain obfuscations. Terminology evolved to let the participants of the conversation know exactly what the other isn’t saying but expects to be understood, to be read between the lines. “Bobbi No-Nose has work” told nothing. Reactions to the name indicated she had been a source of trouble in the past. No details meant it was business that no one wanted to know about, and that it was business only the desperate, the naive, or those with zero moral scruples would ever consider taking.

I knew full well what sort of activity goes on in Goodneighbor. I’d left the Shroud at home, but this was no time for a vigilante spouting dramatic lines from a comic book. I’d have to wear a very different disguise if I wanted to know what else lurked in this place. Valentine would hate it.

My attention drifted to the VIP lounge.

“Valentine… I’m going to hire a mercenary.”

He faced me, yellow eyes shining through the dim light of the bar. “You’re what!? Why the hell would you take up with that sort?”

“I’m curious.”

He frowned. “Curious. You’ve gotta be kidding.”

I couldn’t explain. I didn’t want to risk the malaise I could sense on the edges of my psyche, the threat of domestic stagnation that waited at home. I could feel a black cloud looming. This place, this whole godforsaken town, was a distraction. My life after the Vault had been a whirlwind of new experiences, dangers, and the ever present quest to find Shaun. Now that it was over… but how to tell Valentine? I didn’t have the words… or perhaps I didn’t have the will.

“I’ll meet you back home.”

His mouth tightened, stopping the frown that nearly formed. “Alright. If that’s the way you want it.”

I ignored the twist in my stomach as I watched him go. Then I turned my attention to the two Gunners, as evidenced by the tattoos on their foreheads, that had just entered the lounge. I swiftly and quietly followed.

The Gunners were harassing a young man, early twenties, wearing a torn tan duster with several pouches over army green shirt and pants, a matching military-type cap on his head with two rifle rounds strapped to the brim. If the binoculars at his waist and bandoliers around his left leg didn’t give it away, the conversation fast revealed this mercenary was a marksman. He had recently been employed by the Gunners, but left. I was somewhat reassured by the fact. The Gunners were not pleased to hear he was operating inside their territory, and aimed to scare him off. The young mercenary, called MacCready, did not scare easily.

The Gunners left, and I approached. He was initially suspicious, but more than willing to talk business once it became clear I was a serious potential client. He named a price. I could have haggled, but accepting had the benefit of gaining favor immediately. Either he would think I was naive, or he would think I was wealthy enough not to care about money. Only an idiot would think I was naive. This man was not an idiot. “You've got a deal.”

He smiled. “Now you're speaking my language. All right, boss... you got yourself an extra gun. Lead on.”

Bobbi No-Nose is the unimaginative nom de guerre of a ghoulish mob boss. She spoke through a window in her alleyway door, provided no details about the work, apart from needing a few hands to dig a tunnel. More details would be provided on a need to know basis. She named a price. I told her she could do better than that. She named a better price. I agreed. We descended into the dig.

While he made approving sounds during the bargaining, MacCready was puzzled. “Seriously? You just hired me so I could watch your back while you dig a tunnel?”

Shouts of alarm came from ahead of us. Workers in hardhats ran out, “Mirelurks! Good luck, new guy!”

“Forget I said anything,” said MacCready, and readied his sniper rifle.

Once the mirelurks were dispatched, Bobbi was impressed we were the only people in the tunnel who didn’t run. She told me she had some business to take care of in Diamond City, and I should meet her there.

Diamond City is the last place I want to go right now, but I’ve committed to seeing this through. All of my instincts tell me this whole business is trouble. We’ll reach Diamond City tomorrow.

#fallout 4 #sherlock holmes #crossover #fan fiction #nick valentine #hancock #maccready #goodneighbor #pickman gallery

[hybrid-lion]

Lion Daydreams Journal

2-3-21 / 2-5-21

OR

Succulent witch jokes and DnD cheatcodes

Musing on perpetual journey and points of processing certain themes..

Four days prior exiting Hedgewitch Hollow (more on that later) from my abusor(s), at @ the hospital and other musings

 Curbside outside familiar building, looking something like a cross between between the rite aid/CVS in West Emoryville I saw in 2011 this one time and and outside heron pond plaza from tripjoy advantage in New Hampshire.

 Present was a Sedan with big extra Star Wars wrap all over it- specifically Rebel Alliance logo on hood.

 Don't fall for the nurse; they're always immensely humane and kind and working; not to be your fixation (I've gathered this for a while too, though as the derivative term goes, "What a Catch.."

  Anyway Fallout girl/nursing tech (With the magnificent taste in communication skills and tattooage whom was without a doubt better at putting up with my roundabout chittering than I even am (which states a bountiful amount of patience in her own rights and also that I need to work on alloying others more time to have the proverbial talking stick in dialogues), whom I had chatted with the day prior for a while regarding the matter of the vibrational level on this conscious and graceful hostess; (That's the planet we are graced with being able to provide for in turn), with with the rose and sun moon tatts, was present in this dream sequence, as short lived as the scene was. 

 Clearly taking a journey. Capable technical reasoner boi was there as well who cannot even understand where that's at at all definetly was also present in this one.

Clearly journey symbolism, as I was approaching the vehicle in question. 

2-5-21

 "WHY IS THERE BRINE IN THE ORANGE JUICE"

Walking around downtown burning time between returning from securing a temporary order/petition to court and grabbing dinner, I was between looking at the lines in leaves and patterns in the puddles near an underpass when it occured to me regarding my subjectiviteas this far:

   Almost anybody would be able to tell you that there's more than one way to skin a cat as well as probably one of the worst things you can do is box with an apex creature, specifically one that most dungeon Masters wod probably have on the back burner as a sort of endgame accomplishment that would either make or break the parties resolve to complete that leg of their long arduous campaign; or correctly enough the kind of boss fight that one would face in an old RPG that then unlocks a potential ally to the party whom would essentially have the capacity to either RUIN EVERYTHING, knock something off a really high shelf at the appropriate time, or just absolutely love you to death in the dirt merely depending on the way you decided to associate prior and subsequently accounted for).

   This I would assume so boldly is primarily due to the nature of such back burner endgame beings, as well as with all things considered that it is most likely cognitive of it's own journey as well to some extent and that it has retained all the EXP of both that, along with some of the experiences said party would have had by that point, again considering stuff and things.

--

I digress from the point- but we're getting there.

--

So 'boxing'; i.e. showboating or perhaps just putting up and making the most of the situation pertaining to that proverbial beastie the DMs sent around the way-- 

Noting that at that point to some fair extent isn't quite OP persay, but had maintained a good enough vantage for some time that it had or has more than enough capacity for adapting, recanting it's own skills based in experience as it do/what have you, as well as subsequently recognizing that somewhere along the way said party or perhaps their questgivers or guild leads decided to not entirely tell said prior and then the party at hand- what have you- 

  they would then be either in the same raid/map/party/team as it already, but still decided it would mostly likely do well to or behoove them to, and said prior backburner beastie to just go proverbially or metaphorically corner it; and subsequently snare or root or web or whatever their skillset would do; then dragged it off to have a dialogue with it about or pertaining to..

..something sort of akin to poking it awake with a slow burning brand, 

 But only after years of putting it on display without its consent or knowledge.

   This is probably one of the worst things you can do for either yourself or anybody else, regardless of the lens of which it exists in, without having prior and then post poking explaining it.

  Especially considering the nature of some endgame beasties and the capacity for critical analysis.

  If you had a support tank, that didn't know it was a support tank, and you left it out in the rain for like, ever, do you think a little K, Y Jelly and some WD40z to Freedom would constitute a thoroughly squeezed explanation of this scenario to that support tank?

 Depends on the tank and some stuff and things probably.

~~~

  All things considered…

I take it back the brine is fine but the synaptic firings of my brain giving me a first class ticket to Stockholm's I could do with more of for sure, but I'd rather just hang in the Catskillz and make art about 

===

This lens of comprehension on dealing with what to not allow to occur to a raid party would have been monumentally helpful for me subsequently years ago years ago.

   This would been subsequently helpful for me in decision-making, free will, yes, and choice-based processes of course as humans go.

   And if in when the case arose that I had to tell my younger self, "Hey don't put yourself on display or get worked up, but hang in and also read this book in full before walking out to the tarmac or at least in between flights to and from, don't act the fool for the sake of a fool, unless you need to act to fool forreal forreal. Just leave that shit in the sand, dig a foxhole for it if you have to, or bring it sooner maybe?

 

 

  Don't let other people harsh thine proverbial mellow and as it would only fuel their trashcan fire of excusable accounts as to why they allotted a random roaming low level beastie to accumulate that much of an exp grind crunching on bones and jellies and some mimics that don't even, without alluding thoroughly so that they wouldn't act a fool at the loss or sacrifice of someone else's journey as well as their own. 

 At that point, you should have just pulled the support tank aside and been like-

*Mumbles*  

 listen, "you are our favorite dumb dumb juice supersoaker palindrone cat, just saiyan"...

we just want/wanted to sap and then sac your last floating stackable 💕 for the raid that pulled it along on a chain that long for display and experience just to see how it would go like, IDK it'll work out either way but like we could probably use a dumpster fire and we hear you're full of shit, but also the ship is intact and just needs a happy tree friend sometimes so like, knowing the support tank is going to anyway because of its back story… 

~^•=•^

Uhm.

 *TAKES DEEP BREATH*

~=^•Î||I•^=~. •°•°{"UNACCEPTABLE CONDITIONS" 

*TAKES DEEP BREATH*

~^•=•^~

 "we deserve better and also some stuff you left in my backpack over here oh wait what's that accounted for oh okay here a random distracting smoke grenade quick make your escape.*

 🍊  🍃

---

In retrospect-- this would have been monumentally helpful years ago, as would have keeping the deck of playing cards I received years ago with me, my towel, journal and probably better time management skills and also understanding the concepts of the journey of oneself as both the lessons of our priors on the road and with us as we continue.

  I will continue to explain why this could have to explain this to myself in dreaded prose. 

Preferably after I come to terms with the huntresses and chieftainesses and the shield maidens who keep attempting to bait and no scope my ass when they can't even decide if they want to be a volva a shield maiden again or a valkyrie or a witch of the wild blue yonder or all like 20 at the same time; but are getting fond of kiting me around with salt rounds and rubber bullets and genuine uncondition positive regard despite both of our sanity and interests even though it ain't nobody's goddamn business how baby treat me.

 Anyway if you see a random roving ** monster on the map assume it has your best interest at heart or if it's in your teahouse just do yew fam, most likely it's just stopping in for coffee or orange juice or the finest proverbial trashcan fires to warm up aside this side of the milky way.

 Also try not to forget to set a reminder to wake up at an appropriate time, and don't forget to to carry on and through and keep up with your affirmations and random google searches for sigils you have no understanding of and show love to all your complex houseplants and rock's needs balanced with your own.

 Also don't worry about eating carbs late at night before bed. We can burn them off when we're running through each other's minds. 

More in all that later though in detail.

 

*Switches to sleepytime mode, proceeds to cleans whiskers and thanks you for coming to it's shed talk.* 

#witchjokes #journal #blog #daydream #captainslog #journalentry #dreamjournal #liondaydreams #DnD #witchaesthetics

[pinkchronicles]

2019 Recap

So, eto na naman po ako sa super-duper, ultra-mega late blog post ko noh! Hahaha! I was supposed to write something about my birthday but this year has been super crazy kaya naman failed ang goal ko to post here every month! Hahaha! And I'm not complaining ha! I'm actually super grateful because this has been one of the best years I've had. The best year I've had in a decade to be exact! I know sinabi ko din ito regarding my 2018 but tinalo talaga sya ng 2019. Hehehe! Today, I will try my best to go into details about the things that happened this year in every aspect of my life. So, let's start!

RELIGION

I want to start with this part because this is where I sucked at the most. And I admit it, okay. I've set myself a goal on finishing the Bible this year and well, I DID IT! August 26, 2019 was the date to be exact. And I finished it with the help of an app named Bible Reading Schedule. Not promoting the app. Ginamit ko talaga kasi sya. Kinda weird that I had to schedule things like this, I know. I'll explain why later. When it comes to my faith and such, walang nagbago. I'd like to say it has improved but I couldn't feel it nor tell myself na I've been more religious than the previous year. Hindi ako kuntento sa part na ito because I know I could've done better.

FAMILY

Best part of my life this 2019! I have nothing much to say here sa true lang kasi we all had a busy year. But despite of it, I can say na this is one of the best years for our family. Wala kaming naging major issue or problem, walang nagkasakit ng serious sa amin, our Tita was declared cancer-free, we did our first major travel together so yung bond namin this year is kinda different from the previous years. We're travelling again next month. This time mas madami na kami. I'm still super close to my parents. To sum it all up, very peaceful and balanced ang family life ko.

HEALTH

Another area where I always sucked at except this year. I honestly don't know if I am right in saying it because it's how I feel about it. The years of me being a super obedient patient is finally starting to pay off! I didn't have any serious problem about my health this year except for one thing that I don't really like discussing but fiiine, I will! I wanted this post kasi to be as raw and unfiltered as possible. I almost sunk into depression during the first quarter of this year. Keyword is ALMOST. Ayoko mag-open up about it because I know it's such a sensitive topic to discuss specially now that everyone seems to claim that they experience it at ayoko din namang ma-label as "bandwagoner". But I did a test last year. Ayoko na i-divulge kung anong test but it has something to do with radiations that brought a negative side effect sa body ko. That's where it came from. Thankfully, I was born a fighter. I'm not being arrogant or what but I guess through the years, I've learned how to take better care of myself. The moment I noticed that something is wrong with me or my body, I instantly go berserk. Hahaha! No kidding! Yun ang initial reaction ko all the time. That's why people say I'm maarte or that I'm always over-reacting especially when it comes to health stuff but that's MEEE! I don't think I would've survived and lived this long if I wasn't too paranoid about my health. Of course, another factor din na meron akong crazy but super supportive na family who are always there for me.

LOVE

Okaaay... Here we are with what I think is the biggest plot twist of my 2019! I won't try to sugarcoat things. There is a new person who makes me smile. Surprised!? Me, too! Hahaha! It feels weird kasi never in my wildest dreams did I ever think na I will like someone again. I mean, alam ko naman na dadating yung time na yun but I never thought it will be this year. I was giving myself kasi a 3-5 years of rest in the love department. But anyways, we are not in a relationship. NOT YET! Hahaha! And honestly, I prefer things this way. I know it's weird and people might say na I'm too old for the "no label" kind of relationship but I enjoy being single. Yung tipong hindi ka na-i-stress at umiiyak because your boyfriend is playing the ignoring game that goes on for days, weeks, months and so on. Nakakaloka! I may sound bitter (even if I'm not) but being single made me appreciate the stress-free life. And even if nakaka-miss having someone special in your life, I don't think I am fully ready to be in a relationship again. Feeling ko may kailangan pa akong i-confirm at ayusin sa sarili ko before I enter a new one. Actually, hindi lang naman para sa akin but for both of us (me and the new person). Gusto ko 101% sure ako sa feelings ko at sa kanya kasi ayoko namang maging unfair. Luckily, he's also in the same page as I am. We're both content and secured enough to know that we feel the same way about each other. That's the most important thing. WE BOTH FEEL SECURED KAHIT WALA KAMING LABEL. And even if there's no exclusivity in that situation, we both know we're exclusive to each other. Hahaha! Plus point yun for me because I don't like sharing noh! Bonus na lang yung knowledge nya about my medical history (he's my doctor) so he knows what he's about to get if ever we both decided to take things further.

MONEY

I won't go into details sa part na ito ha but this has been a very abundant year for me. Yung mga sales lang talaga ang naging problem ko dito eh! Hahaha! Yun na yon!

THOUGHTS AND REFLECTIONS

2019 has been a year of growth for me. It taught me a lot of things and I mean A LOT! I've learned to invest more in myself. To love myself more. I know it sound cliché but it's true. I've rebuilt myself this year. I'm slowly gaining my confidence back. I've always felt like I should adjust for other people but now I am slowly learning to ignore those whom I know isn't really good for my well being. I finally started mastering the art of dedma! Hahaha! Thanks to my special someone. Siya talaga yung palaging nagsasabi at nagpaparamdam sa akin na it's their loss for losing someone like you. Aaaw! At syempre naniniwala naman ako noh! Hahaha! Because of him I've realized that it's okay to leave and let the people that you love go. Like if the person that you love doesn't treat you well at puro stress and toxicity ang binibigay sayo, LET THEM GO. Walang mabuting maidudulot sayo ang pag-hold on sa mga taong ganyan. They'll just going to drain you. Why sacrifice your sanity and put your energy to people who doesn't give a fuck about you diba! I've honestly lost around 5 people in my already small circle this year and honestly, I never felt any regret that I lost them. Hindi ako bitter na nawala sila but life has been a lot easier since they left. As in nabawasan talaga yung problema ko sa life! Hehehe! If I knew this would be the effect of not being around their energies, I would've stayed away from them 4-5 years ago. Like seriously.

I've also learned to detached from people who only know me when they need something. The people who come to me when they have a problem but ignores me the moment they're doing better. I don't know how and why I've let myself get attached to them. Parang naging collection ko na nga sila sa dami nila! Hahaha! I don't know why I attract those kind of people kasi hindi naman ako ganon. But honestly, wala naman akong problem with those kind of people. Happy ako na I was able to help them in my own little way but unlike before where in sobrang affected at invested ako sa problems nila, hindi na ngayon. I've learned to put boundaries when it comes to my emotions. Kaya sometimes I kinda feel bad for Joven (my doctor) kasi this could also mean na he's in big trouble pag naasar ako sa kanya diba! Hahaha!

They say that you get what you put out into the world and I am now a firm believer of it. I believe in karma kahit ano pang sabihin ng iba. And I know I've been good this year kasi I was showered with good karma. But I've also seen a lot of people getting their bad karma served to them this year. I don't want to sound mean but it is what it is. I'm not happy about it. It's just that sometimes when they asked me for advice or help or when they come to me, all I wanted to tell them was to reflect on their past actions because it could teach them something. I'm not saying I'm clean and all but most people overlook these things. Or maybe it's just me because that's how I assess my life. Like if something bad happens to me or whenever I go through something, I know it's because I did something bad to other people. Yun yung parang wake up call ko na: "Girl, umayos at mag-behave ka!" Hehehe! But then again, I've learned not to meddle with other people's business and I've learned it the hard way kaya I prefer to zip my mouth.

Anyway, I also meditate now. The chakra healing, essential oils and stuff, I do and use all those things na. I know it's weird and very Tita-ish but it works for me. Para kasing nag-reset yung system ko after I started doing meditations. I couldn't function or stick to my goals without scheduling them kaya I now use scheduling and habit apps. Effective naman sya sa akin. Na-finish ko nga yung Bible diba! Hehehe! I've ditched the bullet journal because hindi sya fully nag-work for me. Like no matter what I write in there, nakakalimutan ko because I had to scroll pages pa just to find it. Naging visual ang brain cells ko this year. Sort of like out of sight, out of mind ako when it comes to stuff. And I've been super productive this entire year. I'm starting a new business soon (next week, actually) and I'm excited about it kasi ang daming positive feedback. Ayoko sya i-pre-empt kaya I won't talk about it na.

I celebrated my birthday in a very simple way again. Nag-mass lang ako then had dinner with my family. Pero parang 1 whole week tumagal yung birthday ko. Weird how people has been giving me food out of nowhere. I saw the old lady (the one I wrote about last year) in the church again. And she sat right in front of me again. As in parang naulit lang yung nangyari last year. Christmas has been amaziiing! First time ever ko nanalo ng bongga sa Bingo. There has been a running joke about me kasi when it comes to Bingo. They say I always pick the charity cards because I never ever win. Hahaha! This year I was able to finally say, "GANITO PALA ANG FEELING NG NANANALO!" Hahaha!

I think that's all I'm going to post about this year. As always, medyo hesitant na naman ako sa papasok na taon but I'm also excited for the new learnings, experiences and opportunities this 2020. I'm half-claiming it will be a good year for me kasi Rat is my Chinese zodiac sign and 2020 is Year of the Metal Rat. Para ano pa't naging Year of the Rat person ako diba! Hehehe! Anyways, as the new year begins, may we all use this chance again of pressing the reset button in our lives wisely.

Wishing everyone a Belated Merry Christmas and A Prosperous Wonderful New Year!!! Xoxo - Ayie

[mainstreamelectricalparade]

Happy ask but again which ever ones you want to do

pink: sunsets or sunrises?

Can I say both? I like both for different reasons. Sunsets are nice because the colors are more vibrant and pretty, but sunrises are so soft and glowy and they mean that it’s a new day... with no mistakes in it yet, haha.

freshly cut grass: are you an early riser? if not, is this because you stay up late?

Not anymore, and yes.

journal: would you dye your hair if you had the opportunity? why or why not?

I might. I ombre’d my hair a few years ago, but my dad did it and i think my parents were scared to let me actually bleach my hair that light even though it was exactly what I wanted, so he only left the dye in for like ten minutes (I have darker brown hair, ten minutes isn’t enough), so you couldn’t really tell from far away. It was kind of bleh, there was literally ONE streak of hair in the back that turned the right color, that couldn’t be seen unless i deliberately looked for it. But if I had the chance to do it again, maybe by a professional, I might. Not an ombre, though, that was a phase.

painting: in what ways are you creative?

I like writing, and drawing/painting, and singing. I wouldn’t say I’m particularly amazing at any one thing, but I would also not say that I’m bad at any of them. I also really like hand lettering and calligraphy-type stuff, but I know I suck at that. I want to get better at it, though. I kind of want to try bullet journaling when I start taking a couple classes at a local college and maybe get a job next semester.

waves: is there one music genre you can’t listen to?

Heavy metal?

writing: do you write letters? if not, would you like to be?

I don’t. I used to “pen pal” with my best friend, but we both kind of grew out of it because... we saw each other a lot, we didn’t really have a lot to write about. And we were, like, seven, so the letters weren’t very good anyway. I kind of want to get back into it, though.

waterfalls: describe your perfect date.

A walk in the park (not in the summer though, I live in Arizona), or a trip to the bookstore, or something like a coffee date, but not coffee because I don’t drink coffee. Something comfortable that makes it seem like hanging out with a friend, except it’s a date. Also, I’ve always wanted to go to Disneyland or Universal Studios with a boyfriend, that always seems so fun. My friend got her first kiss on the California Adventure boardwalk, so. The expectations are high for when I get my first kiss, you know?

freckles: what’s something that makes you happy? describe the first thing that comes to your head.

The first thing that comes to my head is cuddling with cats, because I spent a good five hours a couple nights ago cuddling my cousin’s cat and crying over said cat at 1am with my cousin, because what else do you do at 1am when there’s an adorable blepping cat in the room?

pine: if you could only smell one scent for the rest of your life, what would it be?

I have this perfume that I wouldn’t mind smelling forever... not sure exactly what it smells like, though.

icy: homemade or takeout?

Usually homemade.

clouds: list your top 5 songs at the moment and how they make you feel

I’m just going by current “songs I actively search for on YouTube most often”

Photograph by Nickelback, specifically the Alex Goot/Against the Current cover - nostalgia, because I moved away from my childhood home a few months ago after living there almost my whole life. I may or may not have cried the first few times I listened through it.

Waving Through A Window from Dear Evan Hansen - understood

Popular from Wicked - idk I just like singing this one

Battle Scars by Paradise Fears - this one will give you feels for pretty much any fandom you can possibly think of, it’s such a good song. Also it’s like... it’s calming to listen to, it’s like musical reassurance. Sort of like Waving Through A Window, but not exactly.

Who You Are by Paradise Fears - listen this band is just really good at making you feel ok with where you are in life

silk: list songs you listen to for a jam

Weak - AJR

Stop and Stare - OneRepublic

Over Open Seas - John Glossner

Birthday - Selena Gomez (this is purely a “getting ready to celerate my birthday” jam, I literally don’t listen to it otherwise. I do like it, though.)

Everybody Loves Me - OneRepublic

idk, I’m sure there are more, but those are somewhat off the top of my head, so there you go. I don’t really listen to music to jam very often, I just listen to music that I’m feeling in the moment, you know? And a lot of the time, that means listening to a Dear Evan Hansen song on repeat for three hours.

black nail polish: what do you do to pamper yourself?

Bubble bath, shaving the entirety of my legs rather than knee-down, face mask, body lotion if I can be bothered, washing my face thoroughly (I usually try to do that anyway, but sometimes I can’t be bothered), painting my nails and a usually lousy attempt at painting my toenails, listening to music, putting on soft pjs and socks and leaving my hair in a turbie towel for like two hours, usually because I just forget it’s there.

hidden beaches: do you prefer to hang out in a big group or one on one?

Somewhere in between. A group of no bigger than five, including myself, after that it gets loud and stressful.

[cherryhomo]

1-60

do y’all hate me or something smh

1. selfie? i just got back from the gym no2. what would you name your future kids? i rly like gender neutral names so those lmao3. do you miss anyone? yeah4. what are you looking forward to? going to paris i’m so excited ahhhhhh5. is there anyone who can always make you smile? my sister6. is it hard for you to get over someone? depends on how invested i was7. what was your life like last year? y i k e s8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed? all the time it’s so bad i cry rly easily when i’m annoyed/angry9. who did you last see in person? my family10. are you good at hiding your feelings? depends, if i feel like i have a chance then i don’t bother but if not then i’m good11. are you listening to music right now? yeah, a song called Hummingbird by Miss E12. what is something you want right now? my hair to be magically cleaned so i don’t have to deal with washing it13. how do you feel right now? tired nd hungry14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you? idk a couple weeks ago when my brother got back from camp and i let him hug me15. personality description? grumpy and sleepy but good for a laugh and v gay16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t? all the time17. opinion on insecurities. we all got ‘em18. do you miss how things were a year ago? no19. have you ever been to New York? no but i rly wanna go20. what is your favourite song at the moment? bohemian rhapsody tbh21. age and birthday? 18, 20th July 199922. description of crush. i don’t think i reeeally have one atm but i saw the girl i had a crush on last year the other day and goddamn. she’s so pretty. she has long dirty blonde hair, she’s rly skinny, has amazing fashion sense, shorter than me, a big nose but its rly cute lol, and gold/brown eyes. but she’s not my usual type so?? anyway girls r cute23. fear(s)? electric shocks, being stranded in space or in the desert (and yes being stuck in space is a legitimate fear i have and think about often)24. height? 1.68m or 5′5525. role model? Rowan Blanchard tbh which is a bit embarassing bc she’s younger than me, Hannah Shaw26. idol(s)? Emma Watson, Rowan Blanchard, Miles McKenna, The Kitten Lady aka Hannah Shaw27. things i hate? jokes abt disabled people, talking abt people behind their backs, nazis, anti feminists28. i’ll love you if… you love me back and i can trust you, if you make me laugh and make me happy, if you accept me for who i am and don’t make me feel bad, if you praise me a lot29. favourite film(s)? Rock Of Ages, First Girl I Loved, Jurassic World, Star Wars IV, V, VI, Heathers, the Carmilla Movie when it comes out October 26th30. favourite tv show(s)? Stranger Things, Wynonna Earp, Carmilla, BoJack Horseman, New Girl, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Orphan Black, That 70′s Show31. 3 random facts? i collect stickers for my bullet journal, i got a pack of 40 shot glasses for my birthday and i’ve used one to hold sweets, i have a maths exam this week and i’m freaking out32. are your friends mainly girls or guys? girls33. something you want to learn? norwegian34. most embarrassing moment? y i k e s35. favourite subject? english or art36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill? successfully get my Abitur, become a special education teacher, live abroad for a year37. favourite actor/actress? Natasha Negovanlis38. favourite comedian(s)? Bo Burnham, Russel Howard39. favourite sport(s)? football (real football), netball40. favourite memory? i don’t really have one41. relationship status? single42. favourite book(s)? Harry Potter, All The Bright Places, The Raven Cycle, Battle Royale, The Martian43. favourite song ever? don’t have one44. age you get mistaken for? don’t really get mistaken for an age, maybe 1745. how you found out about your idol? Emma Watson through Harry Potter obvs, Rowan Blanchard through tumblr actually46. what my last text message says? ‘i don’t think i’ll worry about it too much when i’m there tbh’47. turn ons? good style, sharing my political views, praising me48. turn offs? discrimination of any kind, saying that trump/nazis/etc aren’t that bad, making fun of people49. where i want to be right now? in bed or in the shower50. favourite picture of your idol? this one of emma bc holy sHIT???? and for Rowan i don’t have but but i just really admire her as a person

51. starsign? cancer52. something i’m talented at? reading fast53. 5 things that make me happy? music, reading, sleeping, gettin new stationary, friends54. something thats worrying me at the moment? going to paris55. tumblr friends? @bevvie-darling is my best friend but i actually have quite a lot of tumblr friends!56. favourite food(s)? mash, fries, all potato based foods tbh57. favourite animal(s)? cats, otters58. description of my best friend? @bevvie-darling an angel!!!!!59. why i joined tumblr? i’d been seeing the best of tumblr posts for ages and loved them and then one day i was like wait… what if i get tumblr so i did60. ask me anything you want ???

#ask #this took literally over 30 mins to answer #.txt #anonymous

[rolypolywl]

Hello, and welcome to Roly-Poly weight loss. I’m your host, Roly-Poly.

Welcome to day 27!

So before I jump into our topic, I wanted to do a check in. It is important to check in with your process and your progress every so often. It is one thing to make goals, and another thing to keep yourself on track for achieving them. Too often this is the problem with New Year’s Resolutions. By the end of January we’ve stopped thinking about them.

You might have forgotten, or fallen off the wagon, or not made as much progress as you would have liked, but a check in lets you refocus and restrategize. If you let things continue to slide, you’ll never hit that goal.

I forget where I heard it, but I loved this metaphor. If you drop your phone, you’re not going to decide it is gone and walk away, or that it is ruined and start stomping on it. No, you’re going to pick it up and go back to using it.

If you stop working out, start up again. If you break your diet today, start again at the next meal. If you stop losing weight, assess why and make a new plan. If your goal needs to change, adjust it! Don’t just leave the phone on the ground!

So, we are doing the same thing here. Time for a check in.

I’ve been doing this for just over two months, real time, and that’s awesome! The first month, I noticed some real progress. The weight was creeping off, but it was actually coming off.

This second month, that has changed. And I know that at the beginning of the month I had a wonky week, I expected that. But I expected it to be the exception, not the rule. So I thought through it, trying to find the differences in the two months.

And the difference I found was No Zero Day May. Without tackling my eating, which we are now starting, just doing this cardio exercise for 20 minutes 3 times a week clearly isn’t enough to make a difference.

And it isn’t just the weight. I was sleeping better and had more energy in May than I did in June!

So, I’m going back at it. My goal is to walk, trampoline, or bike at least half an hour a day for this month, and see if that gets me back on the losing track. I am also aiming for one of my life goals, which is to get back into walking 5Ks. And more than that, I want to actually be able to jog and eventually run them. This is something I thought a lot about when I did my goal journaling, as I talked about in week 5.

I have started a partial bullet journal - I’m very proud of it and I’ll likely share some pictures on my tumblr. But I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what my goals are, both short and long term. And, as I said, this 5K one is one of my big goals. I have talked about, and will continue to talk about, the fact that I was walking 5Ks before. But I really mean walking, coming in at the end. I want to be able to job them!

So I’m also going to start a Couch - to - 5K program, and work my way up to jogging and running! I’m very excited. This is a three-times-a-week schedule, and I did my first one yesterday, so we’ll see how that goes!

Now, I was a little intimidated by most of the plans I looked at, because they were in, like, a nine and ten week time frame. So I just doubled it! I’m going to be spending twice as long on each goal, and giving myself permission not to have to rush.

If it takes me four months instead of two to get up to jogging/running, that is fine. But that also means that three times a week I’ll be - theoretically - making that half hour walk either a full hour or a jog/walk as I work through the program.

So look for those posts from me too!

I’ll also be getting back into doing 5K walks, so look for those posts too! I already signed up for my first one, in two weeks, so I’m committed!

Finally, this week I’m trying to get into the habit of logging my food. Not changing anything, just eating what I usually would, but keeping track of it. We’re going to start logging in earnest next week, but it is helping me to try to pick up the habit this week.

So, that is my assessment of my process and progress in the last two and a bit months, and my plans going forward. Please take the time periodically to do your own assessment and tweak as needed.

Okay, check in done.

On to the topic!

Which is sadly one I’m sure we’re all familiar with. Fat shaming.

But not the trolls on the internet or looks in public or comments at the grocery store kind of fat shaming. This one is far more dangerous and hurtful.

Doctor fat shaming.

I have been incredibly lucky, and so I didn’t really realize this was a thing, though I’m now looking back over my most recent new doctor to see if it might have been there without me noticing it.

Samantha Bee did an episode of Full Frontal a few months ago which talked about this, and that is how I got clued in. You might have also seen it on Good Morning America.

Now, there are some great points from Good Morning America, and their doctor spells out something that needs to be shouted from the rooftops. “When I got board certified in obesity medicine, we learned the facts; that we don’t understand completely what causes obesity, but we know what doesn’t cause it. It’s not caused by laziness. It’s not caused by a lack of commitment.”

Unfortunately, they made one comment which I found to be true, if slightly missing the point. Or at least today’s point. Doctor Jen pointed out that physicians need to ask to talk to us about our weight, give explanations for why they are making the suggestions they are, and actually help us make a plan to change. But, she also notes that patients need to listen and understand that this is coming from a place of medical knowledge, not of societal meanness.

All of that is good and true, and we do need to listen with an open mind in those situations. But sometimes it *is* coming from a place of societal meanness. Earlier in that segment, before that advice was given, GMA had read a tweet from a viewer who, at 160 pounds and 5’8” oversaw that her doctor wrote obese on her chart.

Um, excuse me? Have you looked at a BMI chart? She is in the “optimal” range for her height!

That isn’t a doctor thinking that she needs to lose some weight for medical reasons, that is legit fat shaming. Samantha Bee gets more into this side of it. As she notes, “One study found that doctors spend less time with obese patients, and they may fail to give them medically necessary tests. Instead telling them they just need to lose weight. Doctor’s fat bias isn’t just rude, its medical negligence that can kill people.”

One of the articles she quotes is this one from the New York Times, and they have some shocking, and sadly relatable stories.

A 58 year old woman who had already lost 70 pounds was having hip pain and went to a doctor. ““He came to the door of the exam room, and I started to tell him my symptoms,” Ms. Nece said. “He said: ‘Let me cut to the chase. You need to lose weight.’”  The doctor, she said, never examined her. But he made a diagnosis, “obesity pain,” and relayed it to her internist. In fact, she later learned, she had progressive scoliosis, a condition not caused by obesity.”

Another woman from that article “suddenly found it almost impossible to walk from her bedroom to her kitchen. Those few steps left her gasping for breath. Frightened, she went to a local urgent care center, where the doctor said she had a lot of weight pressing on her lungs. The only thing wrong with her, the doctor said, was that she was fat.”

Except, of course, obesity doesn’t cause a sudden inability to breathe. Turns out she had blood clots in her lungs, which is, you know, a life threatening condition that this doctor just ignored.

Healthline’s article on doctor fat shaming starts right off the bat with two women both told that their back pain was from their weight. It turns out one had injured her back several years before and the muscle was deteriorating (and all the exercise they told her to do to lose weight was making it worse). The other had ovarian cancer. Both conditions, it should go without saying, that have nothing to do with your weight.

This can also tie into eating disorders, which is an episode coming up, but as this patient notes, “Because I was fat when I first began dieting — and because I didn’t present as emaciated even after I was in the throes of anorexia — every sign of my eating disorder was overlooked.”

This also works in reverse, as some people with metabolic disorders who present as thin aren’t diagnosed because it hasn’t made them fat yet.

And the fat shaming doesn’t even have to be overt! A study was done on this and recently published.

Psychology Today quoted the Professor who presented it. “"Disrespectful treatment and medical fat shaming, in an attempt to motivate people to change their behavior, is stressful and can cause patients to delay health care seeking or avoid interacting with providers," presenter Joan Chrisler, professor of psychology at Connecticut College, said in a statement prior to the APA symposium.  Chrisler added, "Implicit attitudes might be experienced by patients as microaggressions—for example, a provider's apparent reluctance to touch a fat patient, or a headshake, wince or 'tsk' while noting the patient's weight in the chart. Microaggressions are stressful over time and can contribute to the felt experience of stigmatization."”

Again, some of these things aren’t as overt as telling a patient to just lose weight, but it is still blatantly obvious to the patient that you think we’re too fat.

But, unfortunately, as these articles and segments cover, this problem goes beyond just the doctor’s personal fat bias.

For example, CT and MRI scanners. Most have a weight limit in the 350-450 pound range. This is treated for laughs in an episode of House, where he puts the fat guy in the scanner anyway and it breaks. Now they make scanners that can hold heavier people, but those are way less common than you think. Even “bariatric surgery” centers - you know, those places that give weight loss surgeries - don’t often have them.

“Yet CT or M.R.I. imaging is needed to evaluate patients with a variety of ailments, including trauma, acute abdominal pain, lung blood clots and strokes. When an obese patient cannot fit in a scanner, doctors may just give up. Some use X-rays to scan, hoping for the best. Others resort to more extreme measures. Dr. Kahan said another doctor had sent one of his patients to a zoo for a scan.”

If you think having a doctor tsk over your weight is humiliating, try being told you have to go to the zoo and use the elephant scanner.

Now, even if you can get a doctor to listen to you, and to figure out a way to diagnose what is wrong, you can run into complications with your medications.

There are several cases of doctors missing cancer because of fat bias, but even when it is diagnosed, there are problems. “Drug doses are usually based on standard body sizes or surface areas. The definition of a standard size, Dr. Hudis said, is often based on data involving people from decades ago, when the average person was thinner. For fat people, that might lead to underdosing for some drugs, but it is hard to know without studying specific drug effects in heavier people, and such studies are generally not done. Without that data, if someone does not respond to a cancer drug, it is impossible to know whether the dose was wrong or the patient’s tumor was just resisting the drug.”

There is also a problem with anesthesia. If an obese person can get their condition treated, and it needs surgery, they can run into problems. “There are no requirements for drug makers to figure out appropriate doses for obese patients. Only a few medical experts, like Dr. Hendrikus Lemmens, a professor of anesthesiology at Stanford University, have tried to provide answers.”

It turns out that some anesthesias should be counted by lean body fat, not total body fat, and using “average” person numbers leads to overdoses for obese people. This leads to complications after surgery. Oh, and you know why so many doctors won’t do knee or hip replacements in obese arthritis patients until they fall below some magic and arbitrary BMI line? Because they don’t want their percentage of complication-free surgeries to come down. Well maybe if you gave us the right doses of anesthesia we could help you with that!

Now, as we know, all of this medical fat shaming doesn’t help. Well science is finally on our side! “"Stigmatization of obese individuals poses serious risks to their psychological health. Research demonstrates that weight stigma leads to psychological stress, which can lead to poor physical and psychological health outcomes for obese people."”

One specialist noted, “"It's not unlike the way we treated depression 40 years ago. Only, instead of telling people to 'get over it', we say, 'just eat right and exercise.' We know there are economic, cultural, political and environmental elements causing this problem, yet our approach to treatment puts sole responsibility on the patient's behavior."”

So, what can we do about this? Most of us might be inclined not to go to the doctor at all. I’ve certainly fallen into this category. But, Healthline offers some other advice. “If a practitioner automatically advises weight loss, with no regard for symptoms or thorough examinations, one of my go-to responses is to ask them how they’d handle the situation if dealing with a thin patient.  Would their diagnosis be the same? Would they prescribe weight loss rather than blood work, physical therapy, X-rays, or medication?”

You can also ask not to be weighed, or give them a letter at the start stating that you would like to focus on your health and not your weight. And, of course, if that doesn’t help, find a doctor who won’t fat shame you. More and more of them are being trained in this, and it is spreading.

So that’s it for today! Like I said, heavy topic but far too relevant to most of us.

This has been Roly Poly Weight loss. As always, I am your host, Roly Poly. Share your stories, with the hashtag #FatShaming. And please use this as a safe space to discuss your own experiences.

And please join me next time!

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