i want peace,
not the measured one that life offers me from time to time like a band-aid that will be ripped off before I heal
I want it like a graft,
patching up the exposed areas that i scraped off of my soul to feel lighter..
to move on.
I’m trying to write an independent story from all the tragedies of the women around me
digging my own plot with my nails on the exact same rocks that were used
to stone them..
carrying the guilt of that, the way they carried the shame of existence. The only difference is i refuse to ask for forgiveness.
sometimes it feels like all my feelings are over felt, if not by me then someone else.
I've seen it over and over again I, the eye of an outsider
or that of the storm
stood still when it all spiraled around me, I held on to the rubble,
and cemented myself back together
more often than not, I did it with rage so whenever i got spilled, like blood under an old rug,
with all my particles separated into different identities, unseen, uncared for while i floated in an astral projection status
Ironically, the core was always one
rage, rage again…
aging rage!
It's all that i know, it's all the shades.
I exist, Like an ugly bruise
Violet fading to blue, violent, contrasting the softness that i long for.
I can't seem to explain my existence to anyone, not even myself.
a bruise, self inflicted or not, I can’t stop examining it, obsessively
dissecting pieces of my soul, trying to find a marker for the malicious cells that overgrown my own.
In the daylight I get fascinated by the way it changes colors, and when sleep sits heavy on my eyelids i press on it harder,
curious to where will i draw my threshold line.. do i know how to exist without all this pain?
am i just a phantom of coping mechanisms, and survival instincts,
Shades of hysteria, along with estrogen ?
this world constantly seems bigger than me, that’s my only comfort.
•••
• Quotes: Taylor Swift/ Charles Bukowski/ Henry Miller/ anne sexton/ Louis Tomlinson/ Anaïs Nin/ Rainer Maria Rilke.
•original context: Sinligh
•Art reference:
1. painting by marta astrain. 2. Omen, 1886, by Emile Corsi 3. Oil paintings by Jen Mazza 4. Art by Liu Yuanshou 5. Art (detail) by Arthur Gain
•••
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