#i don't know. i expect my feelings on this will change as i transition and people start to really see me as a man

[vamptastic]

it's just like. okay. when i say i like men in a gay way and women in a lesbian way i don't mean that i think straight attraction is icky or my attraction is somehow more enlightened and progressive. i mean that I've spent the formative years of my sexuality in a place with my gender presentation where people are equally as likely to see me as a man or a woman and often seem to think of me as both, and i cannot separate both my attraction to men or to women from that. ive always felt drawn to butchness because its this concept that your love for the same gender shapes your gender presentation and vice versa, but it's specific to womanhood and attraction to women as a woman in a way i can't entirely relate to. like, in many ways i am both a man and a woman, and i am attracted to both men and woman in a way both shaped by and reflected by that fact.

#there's not really a clear label for that is there #i suppose i don't need one it's just to have that cos you can find similar people #i suppose bisexual as a gender is the closest i can get #like both sexes and also attracted to both sexes and those two things each are linked to and affected by the other #i don't know. i expect my feelings on this will change as i transition and people start to really see me as a man #and not the in-between ive been in since puberty (thank you pcos combined with massive badonkahonkawonkadonks) #it's just sort of frustrating to feel like nobody gets it #like lesbians are into me cos they think im butch #a specific type of man-autistic nerds (affectionate)-seem to just see me as a regular ol woman #and when confronted with the reality that i am not seem to not really care either way about my gender #other trans people are into me and they do generally get it but not always #and gay guys are into me sometimes but i don't really pass consistently enough for it to happen often #like im not actively seeking a partner n i don't both passing day to day cos everyone knows im trans already #n binding is a living hell when you're fat with a fucking. idk the size like E or F probably. cup size. #so mostly ppl approach me thinking im butch but occasionally ppl think im a guy in photos i post and such or #strangers will ask my friends abt me thinking im a guy #but like generally speaking no matter what i don't get to just be A Man. and i don't know if i really want to be! i like being trans #and it sucks because ive missed out entirely on dating in middle/high school like when you find out who you like #simply for being trans. ik most queer ppl end up doing it all in college its just frustrating yk. cos all my cis friends get to do it #realistically speaking im p much just t4t i really only have actually tried to date trans people + trans people are hotter + they get it #which im fine with. i love trans people . just sucks to be excluded sometimes even when u don't want in

[girlscience]

the fact it's been five fucking years and i still sob like a baby any time some character comes out and their parents accept them fucking sucks

#i did not expect to be so tense i started sweating and my jaw started hurting just from watching a silly episode of schitts creek #but here we are. #i do not like coming out stories. they are constantly stressful and i avoid them as much as possible #but i didn't know that's what the episode was going to be and then it was #and like i knew they weren't going to have his parents Not accept him but all the nerves were there #and then he told them and they just told him they loved him and wanted him to be happy #and i started crying #it just fucking sucks. all my friends know. day to day i don't think about it #but like earlier my mom asked if i wanted to do something with her tomorrow and i got nervous #because what if i do the wrong thing. what if i say the wrong thing. what if this is the day she decides i'm too queer and she brings it up #what if this is the time church gets talked about again and i can't hold it in #i have been on eggshells my entire life and i'm so fucking tired of it #i'm scared to even looking into transition. i don't feel like i can even try to date. i can't buy things i want cause what if they see them #what if i do and they stop talking to me. if i don't wait till my grandma dies will she disown me? #will i still get to see my cousins if my family finds out? will i get to go to holidays and birthdays and family dinners if they know? #it would be easier if i didn't care about them or i knew they didn't love me #but i do and i they do and so i'm scared #and i could just get it over with and be done with it and tell everyone #but i don't have a girlfriend and i'm not transitioning so what's the point #it seems stupid to tell them when i'm not changing at all. so why change my relationships with them #i don't know. i'm just fucking tired of it

[lesbiansandgayssupporttheminers]

So, the DfE have released their non-statutory guidance for schools on "gender questioning children". I know much has been made of the idea of outing trans children to their parents, but I think the guidance actually has far more concerning sections. And by concerning I mean "deeply transphobic and fucked up".

I know some people are happy it's non statutory, but let's be explicit, this document is transphobic, it's dogwhistle politics, and it's existence will directly harm trans people.

Ironically, the DfE's own lawyers have advised that this guidance is likely illegal and contravenes the equality act.

I think the idea that there are lots of students who are fully transitioned in school but not out at all at home is a bit of a strawman from both sides. In my experience (and I've mentioned this on tumblr before), a school would not normally encourage this if a student was genuinely at risk at home if outed, because even if all the teachers knew not to out the students, you can't control the behaviour of other students/parents etc. I think it's a bit of a right wing scare tactic "Schools are transitioning your kids without your consent". It's a fascist dog whistle.

In my experience as a teacher, the vast majority of trans kids I've taught were transitioning socially at home and school. Some did only use their chosen name/pronouns in school, but parents were aware.

But this straw man has been used to build a document which is deeply transphobic and wide reaching and will defacto exclude some trans kids from school, or from school sports, or from attending a school where they feel comfortable.

Trans kids exist. Kids can know they are trans from a young age, and there is no harm to anyone from allowing social transition at a young age. Some kids transition back to their assigned gender at birth. That doesn't mean anyone was harmed. But this guidance explicitly presents the idea of transition as both harmful to the person transitioning and those around them. Which is fucked up.

The new guidance has some really concerning bits in it which will seriously negatively impact all trans students. Here are some quotes below, with my comments in italics. Please note I'm quoting directly from a document that uses transphobic language:

-Primary school aged children should not have different pronouns to their sex-based pronouns used about them. (This is fucked, I cannot stress how fucked this is. These kids exist and simply pretending they don't is awful in the extreme. The idea that children can't socially transition at primary school is really messed up. )

-schools and colleges should only agree to a change of pronouns if they are confident that the benefit to the individual child outweighs the impact on the school community. It is expected that there will be very few occasions in which a school or college will be able to agree to a change of pronouns. On these rare occasions, no teacher or pupil should be compelled to use these preferred pronouns. (How does a child using pronouns of choice impact the school community? It doesn't? In my experience, teens are much more accepting of trans classmates than some adults. Also giving teachers explicit permission to misgender kids is fucking dangerous).

-schools and colleges should exhaust all other options, such as using firstnames, to avoid requiring other individuals having to use preferred pronouns. (My initial response to this was "why the fuck" but a trans friend commented that the purpose is to make trans people's lives as difficult and as miserable as possible, and they're going after the most vulnerable trans people- trans kids)

-If a child does not want to use the toilet designated for their biological sex, and the school or college has considered all the relevant factors outlined above, they may wish to consider whether they can provide or offer the use of an alternative toilet facility. (this is weird because I'm pretty sure it contravenes the equality act, I'm pretty sure there is a legal duty on schools, and certainly colleges where over 18s attend to provide gender neutral toilet facilities if required. Also, not having an appropriate toilet defacto excludes children from school).

-Schools may have different uniform requirements for girls and boys. Some specify which uniform items are for girls and which are for boys, and similarly some schools have hairstyle rules which differ by sex. A child who is gender questioning should, in general, be held to the same uniform standards as other children of their sex at their school and schools may set clear rules to this effect. (So some schools could, for example, force a trans boy or non binary student to wear a skirt. Which is unfair and messed up. To be honest, I think sex segregated uniforms belong in the dark ages anyway, but this is just ridiculous.).

-There is no general duty to allow a child to ‘social transition’. (Firstly, there legally is. Secondly, why would a school not want to? This just gives licence to transphobic heads to say "oh, no, we won't allow you to transition", which is illegal, but the whole thing is just such a fucking mess. And again, why? Why would you not allow a child to transition socially? Unless you want to pretend that trans children don't exist?)

If you want to read the full guidance, it's available here, but trigger warnings etc do apply: https://consult.education.gov.uk/equalities-political-impartiality-anti-bullying-team/gender-questioning-children-proposed-guidance/supporting_documents/Gender%20Questioning%20Children%20%20nonstatutory%20guidance.pdf

Yes, the guidance is non-statutory, so in theory schools could ignore it, but in reality, OFSTED etc can use non-statutory guidance as a stick to beat schools with. At this stage, I think we all know the OFSTED don't give a fuck about anyone's mental health or wellbeing.

Interestingly, even the DfE's own lawyers have admitted the advice could open schools up to a legal challenge. This SchoolsWeek article on the topic is super interesting: https://schoolsweek.co.uk/trans-guidance-dfe-lawyers-said-schools-face-high-risk-of-being-sued/

Anyway, whilst the fact it's non statutory is something, this is not the victory some people are making it out to be, and the fact a document encouraging misgendering children has been published at all is fucked. This document could very much be used to prevent children from transitioning, and will likely prevent some children who have transitioned from attending school.

#uk politics #english politics #education #trans rights #trans children #fuck the dfe #tw: transphobia #tw: fascism

[genderqueerdykes]

is there anything that has happened since starting T that you didn't expect to happen? or that you feel you were not adequately informed about (by doctors, peers, etc), and that really should be more common knowledge?

that's such a great question, thank you for asking! that's a huge yes from me! here's what i experienced that i was definitely caught off guard by and not warned about that presented some challenges:

I was not told that because my body is changing, growing, and adjusting to a new balance in my endocrine system that i would be very exhausted for quite a while. i already have chronic fatigue but i basically struggled to get out of bed for about 2 weeks after starting T- i wasn't depressed, i was just exhausted. this is due to the fact that my muscles were becoming denser and rearranging themselves, my facial and body structure were changing, i was growing more hair, etc. that takes a lot of energy!

Similarly to the point above, no one told me that it would make you hungry as hell, and require you to eat a lot more. if you feel like you're "over eating" after just starting testosterone, you're probably not- your base caloric intake needs to increase because you are literally growing and changing, and also, high testosterone bodies tend to need more calories anyways

Body hair growth is ITCHY!!!! and sometimes even painful! growing hair in sensitive areas like your armpits, crotch and ass can be extremely uncomfortable if not painful at times. I've heard from even cis men who have told me that growing their ass hair was extremely painful and uncomfortable due to how that area is configured- if you find that hair growth is uncomfortable this is pretty normal, but always seek help if it becomes unbearable or you feel there are ingrown hairs. Also nose hair and ear hair become more of a thing, now

Testosterone will thicken your vocal cords and drop your voice, but you also have to teach yourself how to speak from your chest, or how to drop your voice to sit in a lower range naturally or else you will still sound pretty similar to your pre-transition voice, unless that is your goal. The effects are very strong, but many transmascs*, trans folk* etc. don't see as much change as they would if they also trained their voice at the same time while it's dropping

Your boobs will become flatter and sometimes smaller and a lot saggier. This is normal!

Whenever i re-start testosterone and when i started it for the first time, i had some pretty heavy menstrual periods for a while; sometimes your body reacts in the opposite way at first before totally stopping your periods altogether. it's almost like "rebound" symptom, if you know what that mean

Restless energy will very much become a thing, if you notice you're starting to get pissed off and can't place a finger on why you feel agitated and like you're going to explode, you might just need to do some physical activity for a while

that's all i could think of for now, but if i think of anything else, i'll be sure to add it to this post! thanks for asking, i hope this was informational! good luck out there in your journey!

#asks #answers #transmasculine #transmasc #ftm #trans guy #trans men #testosterone #t #testosterone hrt #hrt #hormones #hormone replacement therapy #nonbinary #enby #genderqueer #genderfluid #butch lesbian

[scientia-rex]

I grew up hearing that you should see your PCP every year for a “check up,” so I scheduled a well visit when I was 30ish after several years of not seeing one, but I had nothing to talk about. I felt so stupid and like I had wasted my doctor’s time, especially when I know they’re expected to see like 400 patients a day, overbooked to hell and back, and someone else probably needed that time more than me.

Without sharing specifics that might veer too close to “individual medical advice,” I have no major health issues. My testosterone is handled by a specialist and hasn’t changed in like 15 years. (Something nobody tells you about transitioning—it gets extremely boring.)

What does a 30-something person in “fine, I guess” health talk about at a check up? Do doctors get bothered if a patient comes in with nothing wrong, but knows they need to be seen every 3 years so the system doesn’t call them a “new patient” if anything does happen?

We don't get mad about the "just often enough to avoid being kicked out of the system" visits, especially if you call it that. Remember, yes, we need to see a billion patients, but an easy visit could buy us back 5 minutes of the day, and a no-show buys us back 15-20 minutes (albeit at the cost to other patients of a visit). Don't feel bad for taking care of your own needs in a system that has been designed to be hostile to human life.

[beyonsatan]

Here are some REAL astrological tips that I'm not just pulling out my ass and actually learned from reading

1. Aquarius is not ruled by uranus, aquarius is ruled by saturn. When astrologers discovered uranus they borrowed some of the traits of saturn and applied them to uranus because they didnt know what to do with this planet. Having strong uranus influence won't make you feel like an outsider but having a strong saturn influence will. Uranus does not rule "outcasts" or "obstruction" it rules sudden changes which we only associate with aquarius because of their eccentricity and the modern rulership of this sign, aquarius isn't as open to "change" as we would like to think they are, they're a saturn(restrictions) ruled fixed sign, they're more open minded and progressive than capricorn but they're more traditional and less accepting than we think pisces to be.

2. NO planet is unwelcome in the 5th and 11th house. Any personal planets in these houses including mars and saturn, especially the chart ruler is a sign of good fortune, wealth, successful investments and just an easy life in general because these houses are the joy of Venus and Jupiter, harmful planets here become neutralized and instead work to our benefit even with difficult aspects. Ex: Someone with a 5th house saturn might work high paying government jobs or become some kind of authority(saturn) figure sometime within their life.

3. What you've been taught about the north and south node is wrong. The north node is not "underdeveloped traits" The north node represents "increase" while the south node represents decrease, not your comfort zone and this is according to hellenistic and ancient astrology. The north node represents the dragon head while the south node represents its tail. Wherever your north node(the head) is, is where there's an infatuation and/or otherwise increase of energy and experiences, the south node (the tail) is something you abandoned (and shouldnt have) so you could focus on your north node, it's not necessarily something you need to let go of because that's like saying the dragon cut his tail off so he could keep his head lol, the dragon doesn't need to cut his tail at all, his tail is what's helping send him into the right direction because how do you expect him to move without his tail? In this case the south node is something you can rely on to assist you when handling the topics of your north node, that's the whole point. If south node was something that we needed to dismiss or free ourselves from it, there wouldn't be a south node, the south node and north node exist with each other, they HAVE to co-exist

4. I don't really debate about which house system to use when reading your own chart or others but when reading transits, synastry and composite charts, I strongly recommend using WS to make things alot less confusing.

5. The moon is a significator of money in alot of the same ways venus and jupiter are that's why the moon gets exalted in taurus. Moon in Taurus, Pisces, Sagittarius or Libra in the 3rd (house joy), 5th or 11th house is an indicator of wealth.

6. When outer planets transit your cadent houses please don't have a breakdown, planets in cadent houses have the weakest influence within a person's chart.

7. The houses responsible for fame are realistically the 5th, 7th house, 10th and 11th house and everything starts with the 5th house. Explanation: 5th house is the talent you have, the 11th house is your audience, you bring the talents you build upon in the 5th house for the world to see over into the 11th house, the 7th house is your relationship to law and the public, partnerships etc, if you wanna get contracts like a partnership with the NBA or picked to star in a movie, all of this would take place in the 7th house, the 10th house is the brand and image you cultivate after your name gets around from the 7th house, this house talks about your peak, how well did you do? Did you make it big? Planets here, where it's ruler is/and aspects will color all of this. Honorable mention is the 1st house cause the 1st house like the 10th house is angular and says alot about whether eyes are on you, do you get attention, are you an extrovert, are you confident or is building up those kind of things difficult for you, all of this gets answered in the 1st house.

8. Do not let any amateur astrologers gaslight you into thinking that having 8th or 12th house placements make you spiritual, spirituality gets its meaning from the 9th house and the 11th house where jupiter finds joy, planets in the 8th and 12th house is NOT for the weak and I don't mean to sound arrogant, I have 12th house placements and I'm aware that the 12th house doesn't get its meaning from pisces or jupiter, sprutuality is meant to be a good thing, planets in these houses is not a good thing so it is not wise to draw proximity there

9. Both Venus/ Jupiter and it's aspects is an indicator of marriage, the sign they're in, house placement and aspects will tell you more about your spouse (venus if you're attracted to women and jupiter if you're attracted to men)

10. Debilitated or fallen planets are liberated or in accidental dignity when in the angular houses or the 5th and 11th. Yes this counts for retrograde planets as well even tho i don't count retrogrades as a debilitaty. Think of them as having "redemption arcs" like negan from the walking dead, started out evil or In bad condition but it got better real fast or the challenges with that placement are easy to overcome. Ex: aquarius sun in the 1st house, aquarius is obviously debilitated under the sun because the sun and saturn are enemies and aquarius gets overwhelmed by the attention and self expression that comes with the sun but with the sun in the 1st house that luminary becomes apart of you, it's literally influencing your physical body and how you behave, with the sun here you have no trouble expressing yourself and actually like attention, so it's like having a leo rising but alot more intense

#astrology #astrotakes #aquarius #aries #cancer #capricorn #gemini #jupiter #jupiter retrograde #leo #venus #venus retrograde #mercury retrograde #mars retrograde #planetary aspects #planetary dignity #spiritual #astrological #mars #sun #moon #mercury #saturn #zodiac signs #zodiac #virgo #taurus #libra #scorpio

[performativezippers]

fanfic writer habits i've had to unlearn when trying to traditionally publish original work

a list in no particular order in case you're curious

starting sentences with "And"

so. many. one sentence. paragraphs. like, yeah, this is fun for The Drama but also...not how books work

using italics for emphasis--gotta use your WORDS, zippy

head hopping. rereading old fanfics i wrote, i'm like, WHOSE POV IS THIS?? HOW WOULD JANE KNOW MAURA THINKS THIS?? jesus christ keep your pov tight, zipperoni. i had to really learn this when i was revising my first book and my agent pointed it out.

Oh. Oh. some of these are good but too many are oh [failure]

Using scene breaks to skip through transitions instead of actually transitioning. this one i'm working on right now and it's haaaaaaard.

scene choreography. if someone is holding something, do they ever put it down? are they STILL HOLDING IT NOW, FIVE YEARS LATER?

overwriting vs using a lighter touch. "that's normal. that's casual. that's fine." sometimes that's great for emphasis, but if it was always just "that's casual. that's fine." the point comes across the same way, and doesn't hit you over the head with it as much.

introducing new characters and making them memorable, vivid, and not sucking up too much space when the reader doesn't recognize them (it's lena! i love her!)

pacing! things have to happen at specific times, the book needs to end at a specific time, the conflict needs to be sown here and explode there. making that all feel organic and honest for the characters while also conforming to the genre expectations that have very little flexibility (especially for a new author trying to convince publishers I know how to write books)

ending things at the right time. at first i wrote too far beyond the climax (classic fanfic problem) and then now i seem to have swung too far in the other direction and am ending too soon after it. but the good news is that my editor asked for an epilogue. you know what that means?? A WHOLE SHORT CHAPTER OF FLUFF Y'ALL!!!

Does this need to be a curse word or can it be a different word? i mean often it fucking needs to but not always!

Just cut out the word just almost all of the time even if it feels like it's just the right word; it will hurt just a little but you should just do it.

use as much sex as the plot needs. incorporate it into the plot. don't change the tone of the piece. make it stay in character and also be hot and also serve the narrative.

got questions? want examples? have thoughts? what other things have you caught yourself doing, or notice when you read through your old stuff?

#writing advice #writing original fiction #ask zipps

[cardentist]

Fam how can one be trans in the direction of their assigned sex? I'm not even trying to make the idea sound ridiculous or anything. I'm genuinely curious and want to understand. I thought the whole meaning of trans was that you feel or act in the opposite direction of your assigned sex; if you're transfem but you're afab then to me that's just cisgender??? But like please explain to me how that's not the case if that's what you and others strongly feel so I may grow my compassion

Context: [Link]

well ! while I personally am not intersex, I DO want to highlight intersex people first and foremost.

gender and sex are very Very complex, and I think generally people don't consider the way that being intersex can play a big role in that!

there are intersex people who are afab who are also trans women, there are intersex people who are amab who are trans men, there are intersex people with many Many different relationships with sex and gender and anywhere in between !

an afab person can be born with masculine sex characteristics and transition the way trans women often do. that person May identify as trans, they may not ! that trans person may not even consider themselves a woman depending on who they are and what they want !

I Do think there needs to be an effort to be aware of and make space for intersex people within the trans community, and really the wider queer community as a whole. as it's often something that's given a footnote without deeper thought into the ways that intersex people Actually interact with our communities.

which I don't blame people for not already knowing ! that's the whole point of trying to educate people in the first place ^^

.

and as for Myself

labels are, ultimately, a form of gender presentation. what you call yourself is an extension of not only how you see yourself, but how Other People perceive you.

I could call myself nonbinary or I could call myself trans masc, and both would be Accurate. but people have certain traits and expectations and associations when they see those labels. there are assumptions made about the kind of life that I live, the things that I want, the things I might experience, that change depending on which labels that I use.

and that's not Inherently a bad thing ! I mean, that's part of why people Like labels. but it Can be a struggle for people whose gender is Funny.

I could Also describe myself as genderqueer or multi-gender or genderfluid or gnc or-. I've tried on lots and lots of labels, and for the most part I haven't thrown any of them out, I just keep them in a box under my bed and take them out when relevant.

I've been wrestling with the feminine aspect of my identity for a very Very long time. I've been aware that I'm some level of trans masc. that part was easy. I want a deeper voice, I want things about my body to change, I don't want people to look at me and see a cis woman.

but I Also like femininity. I've found that after accepting myself as trans masc and slowly growing an environment where I am Perceived as masculine, I've started getting euphoria at presenting femininely in the Same way that I did (and do!) get about presenting masculinely.

but that feeling doesn't carry over when I'm perceived as a cis woman. it's Quite Uncomfortable for obvious gender reasons.

and while I may not know the exact Words that I'd use to describe it (as I've said, I've been chewing on it for Many years now), I've gotten a clearer idea of how I Feel.

I want to be Visibly trans. I want to be perceived masculinely And femininely. I want to transition masculinely to present femininely (and sometimes butch, sometimes like your dad at the ace hardware store, I contain multitudes).

and of course, figuring out what I have going on has involve a lot of exploration ! it's the same way I figured out the whole trans masc thing in the first place. seeking out other trans people and other Things About trans people feeling things out.

I find ! that I have a lot of shared experiences with transfeminine people. both in how I feel about certain things, some of the presentation that I want, and in how people would React To said presentation.

my femininity Is Trans, I don't relate to cis womanhood. but I Do relate to trans femininity. which is really awkward for me, because it's difficult to describe it to other people fjksldljkasfdjklfasd

(I don't personally consider myself a trans woman mind, but I'm certain there Are people who are trans men and trans women at the same time. gender is complicated, sex is complicated. labels are malleable and sometimes situational)

Could I describe myself with a different label? probably ! I've got lots of them. but when I Don't put emphasis on this aspect of myself people assume that it's not there. insist that it Couldn't be there, and I don't know what I'm talking about. and those people who Would act nasty towards me probably aren't gonna change their mind just because I changed my bio. but it feels Nice to assert that aspect of myself when other people are trying to tear it down.

.

part of me feels like I should post the intersex portion of this by itself, because people tend to engage more with shorter posts and there's nothing Short about my gender situation ljkfdasjkls

but ! I dunno, if this makes even one person understand the gray areas of gender and presentation a little more it'll be worth it.

thank you for taking the time to ask ! and especially for doing so kindly ! I do hope you'll see this

#discourse #long post #intersex #genderqueer #nonbinary #multigender #trans unity #queer unity #moral of the story is that gender is a fuck

[unhinged-transmasc]

"If you go on T you won't look like a pretty anime boy, you're gonna look like an ugly man!" is so funny because I'm SE Asian, have been on T for 3 years with subtle (but satisfactory) changes, and definitely still have been told I look like an anime boy or a K-pop idol (because racism.) I do like to take care of my appearance and make an effort to look nice and stylish, but that's not a "pretty anime boy" or "K-pop idol" thing, I'm just A Guy who wants to look nice and pretty and cool. It's such an odd statement cause from my perspective it definitely does not consider the experience I described above, LMAO. It's assuming a "little white girl who doesn't know any better and likes anime" person, or something like that. (Just putting this out there because transmascs of color definitely need to be heard more, and transitioning on T experiences are all very very different.)

And anyways, the condescending way people talk down to trans men who do want to look like their cute/pretty fictional men transition goals is so weird... Like, what's wrong with that, anyways? Some fictional guys are really designed nicely, and may give new perspective on masculinity or maleness that people IRL may not show depending on where you live. Anyways, I think even if T changes you to be more masculine than you expected, you can still present in a way inspired by characters and styles you admire if you so like.

And the other side -- what's wrong with looking like an "ugly" man? I feel like that's saying any masculine trait is "ugly," so if you think that please reevaluate yourself. Looking more like a man Is Kind Of The Entire Point. Many transmascs will embrace that masculinity, and that's not anything bad, wrong, or poisonous. If you think it makes them look uglier or more like a predator or enemy, I want you to know that is not a very kind mindset to have toward transgender people, or to any man in general; it's rather in poor taste, and shows you are not an ally to transgender people. So if you do desire to be an ally, I urge you to reevaluate yourself and challenge yourself on what being a "man" entails, what being "masculine" entails. Because it's not inherently immorality or ugliness, it's just a gender.

This framing of masculinization as something to be warned against, that we don't know what we're getting into is not very cool, definitely ignoring we have our own agency and choices and feelings about our bodies. Like, when we go on T, often we know what it will do to us, and what kind of person we are gender-wise. We're making that choice for ourselves, absurd that we're treated like we don't know any better. We know. Don't treat it like a warning that we'll become less desirable types of people.

#transgender #transmasc #trans man #this was a sideblog for shitposting but y'know what lemme talk abt this shit too #transandrophobia #text #long #queer #lgbtq #intersectionality

[longhardtransitionreturns]

Author's note: This is birth and medical fiction. It's all fake, just a fantasy. Of course I don't want this to happen to me or anyone in real life.

I'd like to have a high risk twin pregnancy. The type where I have to fight my obstetrician to let me try to give birth vaginally and then they try to insist I have an epidural so they can cut into me without delay if something goes wrong. I'll finally get them to agree to let me try it natural if I am invasively monitored throughout and I understand I'm going under general anesthesia the second things go south.

When the day comes for me to be induced, I change into a hospital gown & follow nurses instructions as they put IV ports in both of my wrists. I'm catheterized -- a situation that isn't made any more pleasant by the twinges already squeezing my middle -- and by the time I'm being strapped into the stirrups for the doctor to swipe my membranes, I'm so trussed up I can barely move.

It's my first pregnancy & I didn't expect it to hurt so much just to be pregnant. My hips have been sore practically the whole nine months, in part because of how heavy and low I am carrying the twins. Baby A practically lodged himself between my hips last week and the pressure has been slowly increasing. My breasts are cumbersome and it's painful to even feel the hospital gown brush against my areolas. By the time the doctor is settling between my legs to start my labor, I'm eager to face whatever delivery holds for me to make this pregnancy end.

I'm singing a whole different tune 16 hours later. Or rather, screaming one at the top of my lungs. I am in the throes of transition and suffering the pinnacle of a truly agonizing labor. Baby A is posterior and the pain in my back has me at the edge of my sanity, especially now that the contractions are lasting for 90 seconds, with barely a minute in between.

I'm incoherent at this point. I'm in so much pain I'm only able to think about surviving the second I am living. I'm minimally aware when the nurses move my aching body back into the stirrups so I can push my son into the world. I bear down at their direction and it feels like my ass is gonna bust when his head plunges down.

What actually happens is his precious posterior facial features lodge against my clit as a desperate push shoves him just past crowning and my poor little nub starts to sting. It feels like it's being ripped off and I'm humiliated to find I'm begging my doctor to save my clitoris while I'm straining a massive baby out of me.

I don't know how long I howl a about the pain in my clitoris but the next thing I know the doctor is roughly pulling the shoulders and then the body out of my hole, tearing me more in the process.

I'm aware that my aching canal is empty for the moment. I don't realize I am gaped so badly my asshole is almost inverted. It stings something fierce as birth fluids continue to pour out of my loose, sopping cunt. I start to cry when I realize I am still going to have to push Baby B through my ruined pussy.

I drift in and out of consciousness, occasionally aware of the sharp stab of a contraction. I wake fully to a nurse tapping my cheek to see if I've passed out. When I force my eyes open, she informs me Baby B isn't face down anymore and the doctor is about to perform an internal version. She tells me to brace myself because it will be uncomfortable.

I didn't fully realize the medical actuality of an internal version was for a grown man to stick his entire grown man hand through my cervix and into my uterus. I'm in such utter agony I barely register that the nurses are holding me down by my arms and where my thighs are not strapped to the stirrups. I am experiencing the most pain I have experienced up to this point in my life and it seems to last forever.

I never stop screaming, even when they put a mask pumping gas over my face to try to give me some relief, but the tenor of my yell changes when something shifts and then I feel something rip deep inside of me.

Suddenly all the pain that has come before pales in comparison to what I am suddenly feeling in my abdomen. It is indescribable burning combined with a sudden sense of dread that takes over my body. I am 100% certain that my reproductive organs just gave way with my daughter trapped inside me and I am going to die if something isn't done very, very soon.

It must only be minutes, maybe not even that long, that I lay there while the medical team catches up to the realization that me and my baby are in mortal danger. Time slows down and I feel the rip in my uterus expanding as the contractions, one on top of another now, injure me more by the second. Despite no medical knowledge, I know instinctively that the renewed flood out of my pussy is blood and I am hemorrhaging, possibly to death.

I am utterly helpless now. Strapped down in stirrups, paralyzed by pain, my strength seeping from me as fast as the blood flowing between my legs. I faintly register the monitors start to alarm as I lose the battle with consciousness and my world goes dark.

*******

I wake up groggy and disoriented on a stretcher being wheeled somewhere. I immediately start to panic because there is a tube down my throat and I am really, brutally aware of a long, deep vertical incision that extends from above my belly button down to my public bone. I swear I can feel the layers upon layers they sliced through to deliver my baby. I won't know until later about the battle the surgeons waged, first to save my life and then to save my fertility.

Right now I am only aware of how much it hurts to be jostled on a stretcher with a massive cut down my middle. When the two male nurses move me into the bed, I plead for unconsciousness as my body is roughly transferred to a bed. My tailbone hits the mattress and reverberates in the form of a sharp pain through my pussy. I've still got a catheter and I feel like every inch down there has been stitched up.

I hope one of these nurses will realize I am aware and therefore in indescribable pain but it seems like the paralytic they gave me before intubating me is the only drug of the cocktail still in effect. I suffer as they lift my hips and put a pillow under my butt. Then they start taking off my hospital gown completely.

My confusion quickly turns to fear as one gloved hand on each side grabs one of my fat titties and starts tugging. Breast pumps are whipped out and the men make quick work of shoving as much of my massive milkers in to each before turning them on simultaneously.

My uterus, even after the brutal surgical repair, still tries to respond to my milk suddenly dropping. The pain of contracting after uterine repair and a cesarean combined with the sudden gush of warm pressure on my aching tits brings tears to my eyes. I must be a strange sight: intubated and naked, massive breasts attached to pumps, with my deflated belly sporting a huge incision hanging above a pussy so bruised and stitched it looks entirely purple.

The elder nurse pats my naked thigh just before he makes to leave. It jostles everything and our eyes meet as I wince at the pain it causes me. A chill runs through my body as I realize he knows I am awake and feeling way more than I should be.

He looks at me the entire time he lubes his gloved fist, a sinister smile on his face. He settles between my legs and pauses to look up at me again.

"I bet you wish you'd had that epidural, huh, dear?"

My vision goes white as I feel his whole fist plunge into my pussy with a force absolutely intended to cause me a fatal amount of pain. My vision goes white and I feel pressure building in my chest as the stitches holding my cervix together start ripping. The last thought I have before I go into cardiac arrest is how I don't want to my last memory to be of being brutally fisted in my obliterated, post-birth pussy while my heart explodes in my chest.

#birth kink #labor and delivery #maesiophilia #preggo kink #painful birth #giving birth #birth #hospital birth #medfet #pregnant #surgical fet #surgery #dark cardiophilia #dark medfet

[lenny-thequeen1]

Unexpected Joy Married!LeonX F!Reader

Author: I hope you guys enjoy this! Truly<3

You and Leon had just gotten back from your honeymoon and you have a pleasant surprise

FLUFF! talk of pregnancy and birth. 8.8K words

You had been back in Raccoon City for a few days, and the weight of reality was slowly settling in after the blissful escape of your honeymoon. The buzzing of city life was a stark contrast to the tranquil seclusion of the island you and Leon had just left behind. But amidst the hustle and bustle, something felt different within you.

As you settled into your new home with your husband, you couldn't shake the strange sensation in your stomach. It wasn't unpleasant, but it was persistent, like a fluttering of butterflies that refused to settle. At first, you attributed it to the excitement of your recent nuptials and the transition back to everyday life. But as the days passed, the sensation only grew stronger.

You tried to brush it off as just an odd feeling, but as you lay in bed one morning, you realized that the sensation was accompanied by waves of nausea and dizziness. You sat up in bed and rubbed your temples, trying to shake off the feeling. Maybe it was just a mild flu or something you ate.

One evening, as you and Leon were sitting on the couch watching TV, he noticed the pensive look on your face and asked, "What's wrong, babe?"

You turned to him, hesitating for a moment before confessing, "I don't know. Something just feels different within me. I can't quite put my finger on it."

Leon's expression softened, and he took your hand in his, "Do you want to talk about it?"

You nodded, feeling relieved to have someone to confide in. As you explained the strange sensation in your stomach, Leon listened intently, his brow furrowed with concern.

After a few moments of silence, he spoke softly, "Have you taken a pregnancy test?"

You froze for a moment, your mind racing. You hadn't even considered the possibility. But as you thought back to the symptoms you had been experiencing, it suddenly made sense. "No, I haven't yet." You let your voice get soft and barely heard.

Leon's eyes searched yours, filled with concern and a glimmer of hope. "Do you want to take one now?" he asked, his hand gently resting on your knee.

You nodded, feeling a mix of nervousness and excitement. You and Leon had talked about starting a family, but you didn't expect it to happen so soon after your honeymoon.

Leon stood up from the couch and offered you a hand, helping you up as well. You gently take his hand and smile at him to try and hide your growing anxiety.

"Let's go get a test," he said with a reassuring smile, his eyes full of love for you. "we'll figure it out together."

His words brought you a sense of comfort and relief, knowing that you weren't alone in this. It wrapped around you like a warm fuzzy blanket. You nodded and followed him out the door, still feeling the fluttering sensation in your stomach.

As you walked to the store, you couldn't help but think about the potential changes that could be coming your way. Being a parent was a huge responsibility, and the thought of it made your heart race with excitement and nervousness. You both knew Raccoon City would make it more of a challenge to raise a child in but you knew you'd have Leon there.

Once at the store, you and Leon quickly found the pregnancy test aisle, and he picked out a few different tests for you to try. You felt your nerves getting the best of you as you headed to the checkout, hoping that nobody would notice the items in your basket.

As you were about to pay, you heard a familiar voice call out your name. "Hey, (Y/N), is that you?"

You turned around to see Chris Redfield walking towards you, a surprised look on his face. "Chris!" you exclaimed, happy to see your friend but also nervous about him noticing the pregnancy tests in your basket.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" Chris asked, walking up to you and giving you a friendly hug.

"We were just getting some things," you replied, trying to sound casual. "you know? The usual."

Leon stepped forward and extended his hand. "Hey, Chris. We just got back from our honeymoon and needed to restock on some essentials."

Chris shook Leon's hand, his eyes flickering over to the items in your basket. "Oh, I see," he said with a small smile. "glad to see you guys back here!"

You felt yourself blushing, knowing that Chris had likely noticed the pregnancy tests. "Well, it was great seeing you Chris!" you said quickly, hoping to move on from the awkward moment.

But Chris wasn't ready to let you go just yet. "Hey, why don't you guys come over to my place later? I was going to grill up some burgers and catch up on old times."

You looked over at Leon, who gave you a small nod. "Sure, that sounds great," you replied.

"Awesome, I'll text you my address," Chris said, grinning. "See you later!"

As you left the store and started to walk home, you felt relieved that the awkward encounter with Chris was over. But at the same time, you couldn't shake the feeling that he had noticed the pregnancy tests and that the news of your potential pregnancy would soon spread beyond just you and Leon.

You and Leon continued to walk back home, and as you entered your house, you couldn't help but feel a sense of unease. The thought of having to face Chris later and possibly having to reveal your pregnancy made you anxious.

Leon sensed your unease and wrapped his arms around you. "Don't worry about Chris. He's just excited to catch up with us. And if he does find out about the pregnancy, it's not a big deal. We were going to tell people eventually anyway."

You nodded, grateful for Leon's reassurance. You knew he was right, but you still couldn't help feeling nervous about the prospect of telling others. "I guess I should take these huh?" You awkwardly laugh as you dig out the pregnancy tests from your bags.

Leon chuckled softly and kissed your forehead. "Yeah, I think that would be a good idea. It'll put your mind at ease." He pulls you into a tighter hug and rubs your back before continuing. "I'll be right outside the door waiting for you baby, I promise."

You nodded and headed to the bathroom to take the tests, with Leon following close behind. You turned into the door and flicked on the light, a small click sound can be heard. The warm light revealed that the bathroom was a cozy space, painted in soft shades of blue and white, with a large frosted window letting in natural light. The tiled floor was cool underfoot, and the white porcelain sink and toilet gleamed in the light. A small wooden cabinet hung on the wall, stocked with various toiletries and essentials. A framed painting of a serene beach scene hung above the toilet, providing a calming presence in the space. The bathroom was small but functional, and you felt comfortable and at ease as you prepared to take the pregnancy tests. You turn to close the door and notice Leon sitting right in front of the door on the opposite wall, giving you a smile of reassurance.

As you took the pregnancy tests out of the bag, you felt a surge of nerves wash over you again. You had been trying to conceive, but the reality of potentially being pregnant was hitting you hard. You opened one of the test boxes and read the instructions carefully, trying to follow them to the letter.

As you worked on taking the test, you could hear the sound of water running from the kitchen sink as Leon washed his hands. His presence gave you a sense of comfort, and you appreciated that he was giving you space while still being there for you. You finished taking the test and set it aside to wait for the results, feeling a mix of anticipation and anxiety and a slight pang of excitement.

Looking around the bathroom, you couldn't help but feel grateful for the peaceful space. The serene beach painting and soft blue tones of the walls helped to calm your nerves, and you found yourself taking deep breaths to center yourself. The bathroom felt like a safe haven, a space where you could process your emotions and thoughts.

As you waited for the test results, you couldn't help but think about the changes that could be coming. A baby would mean a whole new chapter of your life, with its own joys and challenges. But you knew that whatever the test revealed, you and Leon would face it together.

As the tests processed, you found yourself lost in thought. But soon enough, the results appeared, and your heart raced as you looked at the small screens. Positive. Positive. Positive.

You gasped, feeling a mix of shock and excitement. You sat on the floor for a few minutes, staring at the tests. Your thoughts get interrupted by a soft knock on the door. "Baby?" Leon's voice calls through the door to you. "My beautiful lady? Is everything okay in there?"

You quickly composed yourself and stood up, tucking the tests into your pocket. "Yeah, everything's fine," you called back, trying to keep your voice steady. "I'll be out in a minute."

You took a deep breath and opened the door to find Leon standing there, looking at you with concern etched on his face. "What happened? Did something go wrong?" he asked, taking your hand in his and gently kissing the top of it.

You smiled at him, feeling overwhelmed with emotion. "No, everything's okay," you said, holding up the tests. "I'm pregnant, Leon. We're going to have a baby."

As you looked into Leon's warm blue eyes, you felt your anxiety start to melt away. He always had a way of making you feel safe and loved, no matter what was going on in your life. You could practically see the gears turning in his head as he looked at you. It felt like a dream to you both and you weren't sure if its true.

"I'm pregnant," you whispered, showing him the positive pregnancy tests once more. Leon's eyes widened in surprise, but then a huge grin spread across his face. This snapped you both back into reality, it wasn't a dream. It was true.

"We're going to have a baby!" he exclaimed, pulling you into a tight embrace.

You couldn't help but smile at his excitement, feeling your own joy and anticipation grow. You and Leon had talked about starting a family before, but the reality of it all was still sinking in around you both. "What if Chris DID see the tests earlier?"

"Of course, we'll tell Chris when we're ready," Leon continued, giving your hand a gentle squeeze. "And until then, let's just focus on us and our little miracle. We have so much to be grateful for, and I can't wait to start this journey with you."

You looked up at him, feeling a rush of love and gratitude for the man in front of you. "I love you," you said, your voice filled with emotion as he rubbed your back.

As you hugged him back, you felt a sense of peace and contentment wash over you. No matter what challenges lay ahead, you knew that you and Leon would face them together, as a team.

"I love you," you whispered again, feeling tears of happiness starting to form in your eyes. "I love yo so much!"

"I love you too, my beautiful lady," Leon replied, kissing the top of your head. "Let's go celebrate our new little miracle."

Just as soon as he finished his sentence your phone pinged with a message from Chris, containing his address details.

You felt a small pang of nerves at the thought of facing Chris, but the excitement of the news soon overpowered it. You grabbed your bag and headed out of the bathroom with Leon, feeling his hand warm and reassuring in yours.

As you made your way to Chris's house, you couldn't help but feel a sense of anticipation building up inside you. You were excited to share the news with your friend, and you knew that he would be over the moon for you both. You both park the car right in front of Chris's house and begin to walk up to the door, hand in hand.

Chris opened the door before you even had a chance to knock, a wide grin spreading across his face as he pulled you both into a tight embrace. "Welcome back, you two!" he exclaimed, giving you both a quick hug before stepping back to take a good look at you.

"Something's different," he said, his eyes scanning over you both. "Did you get a new haircut or something?"

You couldn't help but laugh at his remark, feeling your nerves start to dissipate. "Actually, Chris," Leon said, a smile spreading across his face. "We have some big news to share with you."

Chris's eyes widened with excitement as he gestured for you both to come inside. "Well, don't leave me hanging, guys! What's the big news?"

You exchanged a quick glance with Leon before taking a deep breath. "We're expecting," you said, your voice filled with emotion. "Actually just found out today."

Chris's face broke out into a wide grin as he pulled you both into another hug. "Congratulations, you guys! I'm so happy for you!" he exclaimed, his voice filled with genuine joy.

You both step into his cozy living room, taking in the familiar surroundings. The couch is adorned with fluffy pillows, and the walls are lined with bookshelves filled with books of all genres. Chris offers you both seats, and you sit down next to each other on the couch. As you all sat down in the living room, Chris couldn't stop asking questions about the baby - when it was due, if you knew the gender yet, what names you were thinking of.

"Hey hey woah, slow down cowboy." Leon chuckles and holds your hand, gently rubbing circles on the top of it with his thumb. "We haven't found all of that out yet."

"I can't wait to meet the little one," Chris says, grinning from ear to ear. "I know you two just found out but we need to plan the baby shower!"

You couldn't help but feel grateful for his excitement and support, and as you looked over at Leon, you knew that this was only the beginning of a long and beautiful journey together.

You smile at Chris's enthusiasm, but couldn't help feeling a bit overwhelmed by all the questions. "We just found out, Chris," you say, trying to keep your tone light. "We haven't even thought about those things yet."

Chris nods understandingly, but you can see that he's still bursting with excitement. "I can't help it, I'm just so happy for you guys," he says, leaning back on the armchair across from you. "I've known you both for so long and I've seen how much you love each other. This baby is going to be so lucky to have you as parents."

You feel your eyes starting to tear up at Chris's words, and Leon squeezes your hand again. "Thank you, Chris," he says, his voice filled with emotion. "We're so grateful to have you as a friend."

Chris smiles, his eyes sparkling with warmth. "I'm always here for you guys, you know that," he says. "Now, let's celebrate! I've got some snacks and drinks in the kitchen, and we can start planning the baby shower while we're at it. I don't care if I'm grilling. I want to help you guys!"

You laugh at his excitement and look over at Leon, who's eyes are sparkling with as much joy as Chris. You feel a surge of gratitude for Chris, how excited he was for the both of you all over again since the time he found out you two were engaged. You stand up from the couch, feeling Leon's rough but gentle hand in yours, and follow Chris to the kitchen. The smell of freshly brewed coffee and warm cinnamon rolls fills the air, and you can't help but feel comforted by the homely aroma.

As Chris starts pulling out plates and cups, he turns to you both and asks, "So have you thought about any names yet? Boy or girl?"

You and Leon look at each other, smiling at the thought of naming your future child. "We've talked about a few names," you say, feeling a sense of warmth spreading throughout your body. "But we want to wait until we find out the gender first."

Chris nods, taking a sip of his coffee. "Well, let's brainstorm then. We'll come up with the perfect name together."

As you all sit around the kitchen table, snacking on the delicious treats and brainstorming baby names, you couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the love and support of your closest friends. This journey may have just begun, but with Leon and Chris by your side, you knew that everything would be alright. "Okay, what if you have the girl be Lillie, or Laila?" Chris says as he slowly takes a drink of his tea.

Leon looks at you, a soft smile on his face as he says, "I like those names, but what about Emilia or Isabella?"

You nod in agreement, feeling a sense of excitement building up inside you. "I also really like the name Ava," you suggest.

Chris nods, "Ava's a beautiful name. And for a boy, what about Ethan or Samuel?"

Leon chimes in, "I also like the name Aiden or James."

You smile and chime in. "Well I was thinking maybe if its a girl her name would be Kaieda or even Kinsley and if its a boy I was thinking maybe something along the lines of Darian or Maverick."

Chris looks thoughtful for a moment and then nods. "I like those names, they're unique but not too out there. And they all have a nice ring to them." He takes another sip of his tea and looks over at Leon. "What do you think, man?"

Leon smiles and squeezes your hand. "I love them. Especially Kaieda and Darian. They're beautiful names."

As you all continue to chat and snack, the topic of the baby shower comes up again. Chris pulls out a notepad and pen and starts jotting down ideas. "Okay, so we need a venue, a theme, decorations, food, and games. And of course, we need to make sure it's perfect for our little miracle!"

Leon laughs and looks at Chris. "Already deciding the little one will call you uncle now?"

Chris chuckles and shrugs. "I mean, I'm just putting it out there," he says, grinning. "But seriously, I'm so excited for you guys. Being a parent is the best thing in the world, and I know you two will be amazing at it."

You smile at Chris's words, feeling a warm sense of pride and joy. "Thanks, Chris," you say, giving him a grateful smile. "It means a lot to have your support."

Leon nods in agreement. "Yeah, we really appreciate it," he says. "And we couldn't do this without you guys. You're like family to us."

Chris smiles, looking genuinely touched. "You guys are like family to me too," he says, his voice filled with warmth. "And I can't wait to watch your family grow."

Leon grins and nods. "We're definitely going to need all the help we can get," he says, giving your hand a squeeze.

Chris nods in agreement. "Anything you guys need, just let me know. I'm happy to help with anything, from planning the baby shower to babysitting once the little one arrives."

You feel your heart swell with gratitude as you look around at your two closest friends. They were both so excited for this new chapter in your lives, and you knew that their love and support would be invaluable.

As you continue to snack and chat, the conversation turns to more practical matters, like decorating the nursery and finding the right pediatrician. You take notes on Chris's suggestions for baby-proofing the house, while Leon talks about his research on strollers and car seats.

As the evening wears on, you all start to feel a little tired, but the excitement and happiness of the evening makes it hard to leave. Finally, you all exchange hugs and promises to keep in touch, and you and Leon make your way back home, feeling grateful for the support of your closest friends. You both unlock the front door to your home and are greeted with a warm and inviting atmosphere. The living room is spacious and cozy, with soft lighting and comfortable furniture that invites you to sit down and relax. The walls are adorned with beautiful paintings and photographs of you and Leon on countless trips and a lot of wedding photos, each one holding a special memory or meaning.

The kitchen is modern and sleek, with stainless steel appliances and granite countertops. The smell of freshly brewed coffee and baked goods fills the air, making you feel right at home. The dining area is just off the kitchen, with a large wooden table and matching chairs that can comfortably seat your family and guests.

As you make your way upstairs, you'll see the bedrooms. Each one is unique, with its own style and personality. Your bedroom is peaceful and calming, with soft colors and comfortable bedding that invite you to snuggle up and unwind. The spare bedroom is full of boxes that hold more memories, but soon it will be the nursery for the baby.

Leon takes your hand and leads you to the spare bedroom. "We have some work to do," he says with a grin. "We need to start clearing out this room and making it a nursery. But we can start tomorrow, we've had a long and exciting day today." He pulls you in from behind and holds you, planting soft kisses on your head and neck as you both take in the final look of the spare room now.

You lean back into Leon's embrace, feeling safe and loved. "Tomorrow we can start planning and designing the nursery," you say, turning around to face him. "But tonight, I just want to be with you."

Leon nods, his eyes sparkling with understanding. "Of course, my love," he says, pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead. "What do you want to do tonight?"

You think for a moment, enjoying the warmth of his embrace. "Maybe we could watch a movie or just talk," you suggest. "Just something low-key and relaxing."

"Sounds perfect," Leon says, giving you a soft smile. He leads you to the living room, where Chris is sitting on the couch with a glass of wine in his hand. You and Leon look at each other, surprised since you both just managed to settle back in for the night.

"Hey lovebirds," Chris says with a chuckle as he notices your entrance. "What's the plan for the rest of the night?"

"Just a low-key night in," Leon replies, sitting down next to Chris. "Maybe watch a movie or something to unwind before sleeping. I didn't know you came by to check on us."

Chris nods, taking a sip of his wine. "Sounds good to me and I thought maybe i could stay over tonight and be able to help you guys tomorrow," he says with a grin. "What are we watching?"

You and Leon exchange a look, both grateful for Chris's presence and his willingness to help. "We were thinking of watching something light and funny, maybe a romantic comedy," you suggest, settling into a cozy armchair. "Its been a wild day."

Chris nods in agreement. "Sounds perfect to me. Let me go grab my bag from the car and I'll be right back."

As he leaves, Leon takes your hand and gives it a gentle squeeze as he brings it up to his lips before kissing the top of your hand. "I'm so glad Chris is here," he says softly. "I feel like we're not alone in this journey."

You nod, feeling the same way. With your home, your friends, and each other, you knew that you could handle anything that came your way. As Chris returns and the movie starts, you all settle in for a relaxing night in, filled with laughter, love, and the comfort of knowing that you had each other. You sat across Leon's lap as he gently rubbed your shoulders, occasionally leaning down to kiss your head and back. Chris smiles and laughs at the corniness of the movie.

The room is cozy, illuminated by the soft glow of the TV and the warm ambiance of the lamps around the room. The sound of the movie fills the air, occasionally interrupted by laughter and playful banter between the three of you. You feel grateful for these moments, these simple moments that bring you so much joy and contentment.

As the movie nears its end, Chris yawns and stretches his arms. "Well, I think it's time for me to hit the hay," he says with a smile. "But I'll be up bright and early to help with the nursery."

"Here let me get you some spare blankets and pillows." You smile and slowly get up before you go into the downstairs hallway closet and open it up. Soft blankets and pillows were stored in there and you carefully pulled out two pillows and a thin blanket to give Chris.

You and Leon thank him and bid him goodnight as he heads off to the guest room. Leon turns off the TV and takes your hand, pulling you into a warm embrace. "Let's head to bed, love," he says, his eyes shining with tenderness. "I need you well rested."

You nod, feeling the exhaustion of the day catch up to you. You follow Leon upstairs to your bedroom, where he helps you change into your pajamas before joining you in bed. He kneels before you and gently kiss your belly. "Hi my little one, its daddy. I'm sure you cant hear me just yet, but I am so ready to meet you. Uncle Chris is already helping us prepare for you." He softly whispers against your stomach and gently rubs it. "And between you and me. Your mom will always be the most beautiful mom. No matter what. Now don't give her too much trouble as you grow inside of her okay?" He gets up and kisses you softly and lovingly.

As you snuggle up together, you can't help but feel grateful for the love and support of your partner and friends, and the cozy sanctuary of your home. You drift off to sleep with a smile on your face, ready to take on whatever comes your way with your loved ones by your side.

The morning sun filters through the windows, casting a warm glow over the room. You stretch and yawn, feeling well-rested and refreshed. As you sit up, you take a moment to look around the room. The soft colors and comfortable bedding make you feel at ease, and the sunlight streaming through the windows fills the room with a peaceful energy. You slowly wiggle your way out of Leon's sleeping grasp and gently place a kiss on his temple before opening your bedroom door. You step out into the hallway, feeling the plush carpeting under your bare feet as you make your way to the spare room.

You notice the spare bedroom door slightly ajar, and you remember the work that you and Leon had planned to do. You find Chris already hard at work, moving boxes and furniture around. The room looks vastly different from the night before - the boxes have been cleared away and the space is now a blank canvas, ready for you to transform it into a nursery. You look at the light beige walls that welcome the room.

"Good morning," Chris greets you with a smile as he wipes the sweat from his forehead. "I assume Leon's still sleeping so I figured I'd get a head start on this."

"Thank you Chris, I couldn't have asked for a better friend. " You smile and start to pick up the lighter boxes and take them next to the attic drop down stairs.

Chris nods and continues moving the larger furniture pieces. "No problem, happy to help out. You two have done so much for me over the years, it's the least I can do."

As you work together to clear out the last of the boxes and clean up the room, you start to discuss ideas for the nursery. You both agree that you want it to feel warm and welcoming, with a touch of whimsy. You discuss colors, themes, and furniture options, bouncing ideas off of each other until you come up with a plan that you're both excited about.

As the morning turns to afternoon, Leon finally wakes up and joins you in the nursery. He looks around with a smile, impressed by the progress you and Chris have made. "Wow, you guys have been busy," he says with a grin as he walks over to you and kisses you all over your face then your stomach. "It's starting to really look like a nursery now."

You fill him in on the plans for the space and he nods in agreement, happy with the direction it's heading. As the three of you work together to bring your vision to life, you can't help but feel grateful for the support of your loved ones and the excitement of starting this new chapter of your lives together. You excuse yourself to go sit down for a few minutes and take some deep breaths, hoping to calm your stomach.

Chris notices your distress and comes over to check on you.

As you take a few deep breaths, you notice Chris bringing over a glass of water and a pack of crackers. "Thanks, Chris," you say, gratefully taking the offering. You nibble on the crackers and sip the water, feeling the nausea slowly subside. Leon comes over and sits next to you, rubbing your back gently.

"Are you feeling better, sweetheart?" he asks with a concerned expression as he gently tucks a stray (h/c) strand away from your face.

You nod, feeling the support of both of them lifting you up. "Yeah, it's passing. Thanks for being here for me."

Chris smiles warmly. "Of course, that's what friends are for. And we'll be here for you every step of the way."

As the three of you continue to work on the nursery, you feel a sense of joy and excitement build up inside you. This is not just about preparing a room for a baby, but also about building a future as a family. As you decorate the room with cute baby furniture and toys, you can already imagine your little one growing up and playing in this space. You can't help but smile at the thought.

"Hey, do you guys want to take a break and grab some lunch?" Chris suggests, breaking your train of thought.

"Sounds good to me," Leon agrees, standing up and stretching.

You nod in agreement, feeling a little hungry now that the nausea has passed. You pack up the tools and supplies and head out to a nearby café, laughing and chatting all the way there. This is exactly what you need - the support and love of your friends and partner as you embark on this exciting new journey together.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple months pass and your belly has started to show just a little bit. Leon has taken a liking to gently holding it and walking in front of you if you guys walked any where together.

As your pregnancy progresses, Leon becomes even more attentive and loving. He's always there to help you with anything you need, from rubbing your feet after a long day to bringing you a glass of water in the middle of the night. He even takes up cooking, experimenting with new recipes that he thinks will be good for you and the baby. Constantly making sure your prenatal vitamins are all stocked up and making sure you eat healthy.

One day, as the two of you are out for a walk in the park, Leon takes your hand and places it on your belly after you two sat down since your feet where hurting and he had finished rubbing your stomach. "Do you feel that?" he asks excitedly. "That's our little one, kicking."

You smile, feeling a flutter in your stomach. "Wow," you say, feeling overwhelmed with emotion. "This is really happening."

Leon leans down and kisses your forehead. "Yes, it is," he says. "And we're going to be amazing parents."

You smile and look down, seeing the little kicks roll over your stomach. You looked at it with awe and pure bliss.

As the months go by, your belly grows and your baby becomes more active. Leon takes a liking to holding your belly and walking in front of you whenever you're out together, as if he's protecting both you and the baby from the outside world.

Chris, too, is excited to be an uncle and is always eager to help out in any way he can. He even comes with you to some of your doctor's appointments when Leon is away at work on missions, taking notes and asking questions so he can better understand what you and the baby need.

Together, the three of you prepare for the arrival of your little one, painting the nursery a soft, calming blue and filling it with everything your baby could possibly need. As the due date approaches, you feel a mixture of excitement and nervousness, but knowing that you have the love and support of Leon and Chris makes everything feel a little less scary.

You also attend prenatal classes together, learning about everything from childbirth techniques to newborn care. Leon is a bit apprehensive about the process, but with Chris, he jumps in with enthusiasm, eager to learn as much as he can to support you and the baby when you guys go over the lessons with him.

As your due date gets closer, Leon takes on more tasks around the house, making sure everything is clean and organized. Chris brings over meals and helps with any last-minute preparations, all while making you laugh with his jokes and stories. Leon lets you do light cleaning but whenever you try and do more than that he gently takes your hand and sits you on the couch with your current cravings and puts on your favorite show, even giving you your favorite blanket to cover up with. "You have to take it easy my love. You can pop any day now and I don't want you to run the risk of getting hurt." He looks at you with loving eyes.

You'd only sit for one episode before you got right back up and started to clean again.

As you clean up, Leon suddenly stops and turns to you with a mischievous smile. "Hey, love, we never did our gender reveal. Should we do it now?"

Your heart skips a beat as you realize he's right. You had both decided to wait until the baby shower to find out the gender, and with all the excitement of the day, you had completely forgotten.

Without hesitation, you both rush to the nursery and grab the large box that's been sitting in the corner for weeks. You call Chris over to help you set up for a gender reveal party and baby shower the next day for the next day.

You spend the rest of the evening decorating the nursery with blue and pink balloons and streamers, trying to keep the gender reveal a secret until the big moment. Chris suggests making cupcakes with blue or pink filling inside, and you all eagerly get to work in the kitchen.

As the cupcakes bake, you start to feel a mix of excitement and nerves. What if you don't like the gender? What if you're not ready for a boy or a girl? Leon senses your worries and pulls you into a tight embrace, whispering sweet nothings in your ear until you start to feel calm and reassured.

As the due date draws closer, the baby shower had begun by inviting all of your closest friends and family to celebrate the upcoming arrival of your little one. The living room is decorated with balloons, streamers, and a banner that reads "Welcome Baby!".

Your heart swells with happiness as you see everyone gathered together, excitedly discussing the baby's gender and making guesses about what he or she will look like. You feel so blessed to have such a wonderful support system around you, and you can't wait to share this new chapter of your life with them.

The gifts start pouring in, ranging from practical items like diapers and onesies to sentimental gifts like hand-knitted blankets and handmade toys. You feel overwhelmed with love and gratitude as you open each one, knowing that your baby will be surrounded by so much love and care.

you all gather around the table, holding your breath as you take your first bites. Chris takes a bite of his cupcake first, and a few moments later, he lets out a whoop of excitement. "It's a boy!"

Everyone erupts into loud cheers and clapping, mixes of congratulations and

Tears of joy flood your eyes as you look over at Leon, who's grinning from ear to ear. He scoops you up in his arms and spins you around happily, laughing with delight and his face lit up like the morning sun on a summer morning that shines bright and early. "We're having a boy, my love! I can't wait to meet our little man."

Chris joins in on the celebration, hugging you both tightly. "Congratulations, you two! This is going to be one loved and spoiled little boy."

You all spend the rest of the evening in the nursery, imagining what your little one will look like and what kind of person he will grow up to be. As the night winds down and everyone heads home, you feel a sense of excitement and anticipation for the next chapter of your life with Leon and your baby boy. Leon comes into the nursery and sits on the floor in front of you before kissing your hand.

"I can't believe we're going to be parents soon," he says, his eyes filled with love and wonder. "I can't wait to meet our little guy and watch him grow up."

You smile, feeling a wave of emotion wash over you. "Me too," you say softly, reaching out to stroke his hair. "I'm so lucky to have you by my side through all of this."

Leon leans in and kisses you deeply, his arms wrapping around you in a warm embrace. "I love you," he whispers.

"I love you too," you reply, feeling grateful for this moment of intimacy and connection.

Chris walks in and sees the two of you embracing. "Hey lovebirds, save some of that love for the baby," he jokes, grinning from ear to ear. "I'm sure he's wanting some attention right now."

You both laugh and Leon pulls Chris into the hug, the three of you sharing a moment of joy and anticipation for the arrival of your little one. Chris kneels and holds your stomach gently. "Hey little bug. Its Uncle Chris here, your mommy and daddy are so excited to meet you, even I am. But don't you come too early now, take your time but hurry up okay?" He chuckles.

You smile at Chris's sweet words and feel your heart swell with love for your little family. "Thank you, Chris. We can't wait for him to meet you too," you reply, placing your hand on top of his as he holds your belly.

"Well, I'll be going home. You know what to do if anything happens. Call me. " Chris smiles and gives you guys one final hug.

Leon leans in and kisses your forehead before standing up. "Alright, it's getting late. We should probably get some rest," he says, glancing down at your belly. "We don't want to exhaust you, my love."

You nod in agreement and the three of you make your way out of the nursery, turning off the light and closing the door behind you. Leon softly places a hand on your back as you guys head downstairs to go lock up for the night. He sits you down on the couch and kisses your lips lovingly, leaving the sweet light feeling against your lips as he walks to the front door and locks it, a small confirming click behind him before he comes back over to the couch and wraps his arm around your shoulder and places another soft kiss on your forehead. "So how does Darian Isaiah Kennedy sound for his name?" Leon whispers into your ear.

You look up at Leon, feeling a surge of warmth in your chest. "I love it," you reply, placing a hand on your stomach. "Darian Isaiah Kennedy. It's perfect."

Leon smiles, his eyes shining with pride and love. "I'm so excited to meet him," he says, rubbing your shoulder gently. "We're going to be great parents, you know that?"

You lean your head against his shoulder, feeling content and happy. "I know," you say, feeling a sense of calm wash over you. "We're going to be the best parents."

Leon wraps his arms around you tighter, holding you close. "I can't wait to start this new chapter of our lives together," he says, pressing a kiss to your forehead. "I love you so much."

"I love you too," you reply, feeling grateful for this moment of intimacy and closeness. You close your eyes, savoring the feeling of being in his arms, knowing that no matter what comes your way, you'll always have each other. "I'm excited for us and I am so grateful to have such an amazing and loving husband."

You two share soft kisses between one another with the occasional kisses to your belly from Leon to the little one. You couldn't help but laugh when one of the times the baby kicked his nose.

Leon chuckles as he feels the baby's movements against his face. "Looks like he's got some strong kicks already," he says, rubbing your belly gently.

You both sit in silence for a few moments, enjoying each other's company and the anticipation of your little one's arrival. You couldn't have asked for a better partner to go through this journey with than Leon.

As the night wears on, Leon helps you up from the couch and leads you to the bedroom, tucking you in and making sure you're comfortable before lying down beside you. As you lay in bed that night, feeling the little kicks and movements of your baby, you feel a sense of peace and contentment. You know that no matter what challenges lie ahead, you have the love and support of Leon and Chris by your side. Leon wraps his arms around you and holds you close, his warmth and presence comforting you as you drift off to sleep.

In the middle of the night, you wake up to a sharp pain in your abdomen, causing you to gasp and grab onto Leon's arm. "Leon, something's happening," you say, your voice strained with pain as you try to fight off a cry of agony. "The bed, I think my water broke."

Leon immediately springs into action out of a deep sleep, helping you out of bed and guiding you to the car. You both drive to the hospital, your heart racing with fear and excitement as you realize that the moment you've been waiting for has finally arrived.

Leon's hands are shaking as he helps you out of the car and into the hospital, the adrenaline pumping through his veins as he rushes you to the labor and delivery ward. You're both greeted by a team of nurses and doctors, who quickly assess your condition and begin preparing for the delivery.

As the contractions intensify, Leon never leaves your side, holding your hand tightly and whispering words of encouragement in your ear. His love and support give you the strength you need to push through the pain and focus on bringing your little one into the world. You cried at the pain and kept on pushing.

Finally, after what feels like an eternity, you hear the sound of your baby's cries filling the room. Tears stream down your face as the doctor places your little one in your arms, and Leon's eyes well up with emotion as he gazes at the newest addition to your family.

"Welcome to the world, Darian Isaiah Kennedy," Leon says softly, his voice choked with emotion. "We love you so much." You both share a tender moment as a family, basking in the joy and wonder of the miracle you've just experienced.

You gently look over the baby in your arms and admire him. How his face is all scrunched up and his hand gripping your finger as he's fast asleep in your arms as you hold a blanket over you and Darian for skin to skin contact. Leon had stepped out of the room to call Chris to tell him the big news.

As you sit there with your newborn son, you can't help but feel overwhelmed with emotion. You're exhausted, but the adrenaline and love coursing through your veins are keeping you alert and energized. You feel a sudden urge to cry, and tears start streaming down your face as you look at Leon, who has just walked back into the room.

"Everything okay?" he asks, concern etched on his face.

You nod, unable to speak as you hand him Darian. Leon takes the baby in his arms and sits down next to you on the bed, tears of his own streaming down his face. The three of you sit there for what feels like hours, just staring at each other and marveling at the new life you've brought into the world.

As the sun begins to rise outside the window, a nurse comes in to check on you and the baby. She congratulates you both and informs you that everything looks good with Darian's health.

Leon leans over and kisses your forehead as he is gently rocking your son in his arms. "You did amazing, my love. I'm so proud of you."

You smile weakly at him, feeling a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment that you've never felt before. You know that this is only the beginning of a long and challenging journey, but you feel ready to take it on with Leon. You slowly drifted off to sleep as Leon put your newborn son in the bassinet.

As you wake up from your nap, you see Leon sitting next to you, watching over Darian who is still sleeping soundly in the bassinet. You lean over and kiss your baby's forehead, feeling the warmth and softness of his skin against your lips. Leon looks at you with a smile on his face and takes your hand in his.

"Are you feeling okay?" he asks, concern etched on his face.

You nod your head and smile back at him. "Yeah, just a little tired," you reply. "and sore. The ring of fire is no joke." You laugh softly.

He stands up and walks over to you, helping you sit up and adjusting the pillows behind your back. He then hands you a glass of water and a snack to keep you energized. "You need to rest, my love. I'll take care of everything," he says, placing a gentle kiss on your forehead. "I'll wake you when he needs fed though okay?"

You lean back and close your eyes, feeling grateful for his love and support. The hum of the machines around you lull you back to sleep. After an hour or so, you woke to the sound of your son crying.

You opened your eyes and saw Leon already holding Darian in his arms, gently rocking him and cooing softly to him. "Hey there, little guy," Leon said, smiling down at the newborn. "It's okay, Daddy's here."

You watched as Leon expertly soothed your son, his confidence and tenderness filling you with warmth and admiration. As Darian's cries subsided, Leon carefully placed him back in the bassinet and turned to you, his face beaming with pride and love.

"He's perfect," Leon said, leaning in to kiss you on the forehead. "And you're doing great, too. You're a natural."

You smiled at him, feeling your heart fill with joy and contentment. As you watched your newborn son sleeping peacefully, you knew that this was only the beginning of a lifetime of love and adventure with Leon and your growing family. You couldn't think of anyone else in the world who you'd want more than to be the father of your child. You hear a soft knock on the door and it slowly opens to reveal Chris who had brought Darian a big dog plushie and you some food and flowers as a push present. "I hope I didn't disrupt, I wanted to come see the little bug." He smiles and looks at how messy you look and over at how tired Leon's eyes were.

Chris walks over to the bassinet, looking down at the sleeping newborn with wonder and awe. He reaches out a hand to gently stroke the baby's cheek, a smile spreading across his face.

"He's beautiful," Chris whispers, turning to you and Leon. "Congratulations, you guys. You did it."

"He defiantly has his fathers features." You smile and look over tiredly, before going to take off your breast pumps.

"Yeah, but I'm sure he will have his mothers eyes and smile." Leon softly laughs and looks at his son.

You and Leon both smile back at him, grateful for his presence and kind words. Chris then hands you the flowers and the bag of food, carefully placing the plushie in the bassinet next to Darian.

"I brought you some food and flowers as a push present," Chris says, his eyes sparkling with excitement. "And of course, the little guy had to have a big dog plushie to keep him company."

You thank him with a warm smile and take the bag of food, feeling your stomach growl with hunger. Leon leans over to give Chris a fist bump, thanking him for coming.

"It's the least I could do," Chris says, his expression turning serious. "You guys have been there for me through thick and thin, so I'm happy to be here for you now. Anything you need, just let me know."

You and Leon both feel touched by his words, knowing that you have a true friend in Chris. As you settle back into your comfortable position with your newborn, you feel grateful for the love and support of your chosen family. You open the bag of food to find that Chris had cooked you a steak and some fries, and even had packaged some fruit for you to eat. He even made extra for Leon to have too.

You thank Chris for the delicious meal and he sits down next to you on the bed, careful not to disturb the sleeping baby. "So, have you guys thought about what's next?" he asks, looking at both you and Leon.

You and Leon share a glance, knowing that there are so many things to think about now that you're parents. "Honestly, we haven't had much time to think beyond the hospital stay," Leon replies, his voice still hoarse from the emotion of the last few hours. "I just know that we need to make sure the baby monitor is working properly."

Chris nods in understanding. "Well, I'm sure you guys will figure it out. And don't forget, I'm always here to help with whatever you need," he says, giving your shoulder a gentle squeeze.

You feel a wave of gratitude wash over you, knowing that you have two amazing men in your life who will always have your back. As you sit there with your family, enjoying the warmth and comfort of their presence, you feel confident that you can handle whatever comes your way.

#married!leon #leon scott kennedy #leon kennedy #re4 leon #re4 remake #resident evil #resident evil 4 #leon kennedy x reader #leonxf!reader #leon s kennedy #leon x reader #long one shot #leon kennedy oneshot #pregnant reader #re x reader #reader insert #leon x you #leon kennedy imagine #leon kennedy x f!reader #leon kennedy fanfic #leon kennedy fluff #re4 fanfiction #leon fanfiction #leon s kennedy x reader #leon kennedy x pregnant reader #leon kennedy x y/n #leon kennedy x you #leon scott kennedy x reader #leon scott kennedy x you #leon scott kennedy fanfiction

[transmascissues]

I know that saying T turning twinks into otters and bears is supposed to be positivity, but it feels excluding of those of us that didn't get those effects from T. Trans men can look all kinds of ways and I keep seeing posts that almost belittle the idea of trans men remaining like that after T, but some of us do. Lift up the ones who do turn into otters and bears and those that don't. It's already a point of dysphoria for a lot of people

it is not humanly possible for me to include every single possible transmasc experience in one post, nor is it my responsibility to try to. positivity for one experience does not equal negativity toward other experiences. if you want a positivity post for people who don’t get those effects from t, by all means make one and i’ll fully support you in that, but don’t treat other kinds of positivity as wrong just because they’re not for you.

i am a trans man who went from a twink to an otter on t, and i put that line in because that’s an aspect of my transition that i’m incredibly proud of. i’m allowed to do that, and i’m not required to fulfill some sort of quota of positivity for other people to make that okay. me showing pride in my body and bodies like mine isn’t belittling other kinds of bodies, and i would challenge you to really ask yourself why you interpreted positivity for other people as automatically negative toward you. sometimes some things just aren’t for you and that’s okay. i’m sure there are other parts of that post that did apply to you, as well as plenty of other positivity posts that do. and if not? make some! send them to me, i’d love to reblog them! every positivity post you see is just a trans person making the posts they want to see more of, and you can do the same.

not to mention, hair growth and weight gain on t are incredibly stigmatized. people constantly talk about how bad they think all the hair looks or how gross they think it is when we don’t shave, and gaining weight is something that’s pretty much always framed as a negative side effect instead of a desirable and euphoric change. people literally try to convince us not to go on t by saying “you’re not going to stay an androgynous twink, you’re going to be hairy and all your fat will move to your stomach and you’ll just look like your dad.” that’s a horror story to a lot of people; that’s the thing that they think will disgust us enough to decide we don’t want to go on t.

so if you see a lot of posts hyping up trans otters and bears, it’s not us saying other kinds of bodies aren’t as good, it’s just us pushing back against those narratives and saying “no, our bodies are good too, actually, and i’m glad t made me look this way.” that’s not to say there isn’t also a lot of negativity toward trans men who are smaller and less hairy; no matter how we look, people will find a reason to hate our bodies because they hate us. but you really can’t put the blame on trans otters and bears who just want to send a message that our bodies aren’t bad.

if seeing positivity for trans bodies that aren’t like yours makes you dysphoric, please understand that that’s a personal thing you need to learn how to deal with and not the fault of the people who just want to feel good about their bodies as much as you do. it’s okay to want positivity for your kind of trans body and i promise you those posts are out there, but you can’t expect every single one to cater to your specific experiences.

#let’s see which part of that post someone will call transphobic next #wild how i can’t even make a positivity post without people getting angry #anon hate

[margotw10bis]

Crashing On Crush. JJK 4 [m]

crush!Jungkook x reader

Genre: smut; series; romance; angst

Words: 4.9k

Synopsis: What happens when your first encounter with your crush is Jungkook seeing your ass?

Warnings: alcohol consumption; protected sex; oral sex (f. receiving); praising kink; mention of passed harassment

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Jungkook left a few minutes after because he had to wake up early the next morning. You were disappointed because after sharing such an intimate moment, you would have liked him to stay. You have felt so close to him. And you had the feeling that your connection disappeared with his absence. You have felt so alive, and the next moment you are completely alone, and not so much alive. It was kind of terrifying how your mood changed because of him: you were beyond clouds when he was next to you, and completely in the darkness when he left. This emotional rollercoaster made you cried that night. You were too lost in your own feelings. You felt closer to him and at the same time so far away.

The whole next day, you kept making mistakes at work, your brain overthinking the last night. You were thinking about Jungkook and wondering if he were thinking about you too. The possibility of it not being the case and of you being just another girl he had fun with squeezed your heart.

That's why, heading out of the art gallery, you thought like you could finally breathe. The pure fresh air of Seoul filled your lungs like it was your very first breathing. That's when you saw him, leaning against his black Mercedes.

Jungkook smiles at you when he notices you. A genuine smile, that makes you smile equally. A pure wave of happiness wraps your body and you wish you could jump in his arms. Once again, a little word with huge meaning starting with 'L' pops in your mind and warms your heart.

"What are you doing here?" You ask him, trying to not sound as cheerful as you are

"To see you"

The simple but so sweet respond attacks your heart. It should be illegal to be such a flirt.

"I was thinking I could cook for you"

"Oh, you know how to cook?" You tease him

"Are you questioning my cooking skills?" He replies, a brow lifting up suspiciously

Jungkook's smile is so pretty. When he smiles, he looks like the happiest man alive and, oddly, seeing him happy makes you happy too. You realize that you want to make him happy.

"Prove me wrong then" You say, opening his car door.

———

You didn't know what to expect from Jungkook's apartment but it surely looks like him: a big living room with a huge TV screen, a large black leather couch, some paintings on the walls ; a modern open kitchen and a dark wood diner table making the transition between the cooking area and the living room. You see some photos of him, his family and his friends. It's like Jungkook has brought all his memories from his brain and materialized it into his place. You feel good here, at peace, like in a cocoon, protected from the outside world. It's the same feeling that when he wraps his arms around your frame.

As Jungkook washes his hands with soap in the kitchen sink, he speaks up:

"Do you want some ramyeon?"

You immediately burst into laugher and Jungkook follows you.

"I mean, real ramyeon but if you want that, I will love it too"

"Real ramyeon is okay" You say, blushing

Jungkook starts boiling water in a saucepan and grabs two packs of Shin Ramyun, the less spicy ones after you told him that you were sensitive. It doesn't take long for the noodles to be ready and you two sit down at the dinner table.

The conversation goes smoothly. You talk about you two, your childhoods, the things you like and don't like. You just get to know each other. Despite being unlabeled, it looks like the beginning of a relationship. Few memories of how it started with your ex-boyfriends come back to you and you realize that what you are leaving now with Jungkook is like that, but way better because you get along on so many things. You laugh at the same jokes, you are upset about the same things, you care about the same subjects. However, you don't want to rush things. It's been a long time since you were in a relationship and you want to take your time. You don't have to put a name on what you and Jungkook are.

"Do you have nicknames?" You ask him at some point

"Actually, I have a lot of them: JK, Kook, Kookie" He pauses and a sparkle of playfulness brightens his doe eyes "Daddy..."

"Jungkook!" You blush and choke at the same time, which makes him laugh.

"You can call me whatever you want"

"What's your favorite nickname? And don't say Daddy" You ask him, genuinely wanting to call him by a name he likes

Jungkook takes the time to think and then, gets a tiny closer to you. When he talks back, his voice is way deeper and you feel a change in the air around you.

"Call me yours"

You don't understand what happens next because in just one second, your lips are on Jungkook's. He grabs your waist to pull you closer, basically putting you on his laps. Your hands are in his smooth, long hair. Your kiss is messy, eager and your panties gets quickly soaked. Then, Jungkook pulls you up and leans you on the table, the tableware pushed aside carelessly. The cold and hard material in your back contrast with the fire in your body and the softness of Jungkook's lips on your neck. His hands struggle to unbutton your pale yellow blouse and he is too impatient to wait. With a sharp movement, he pulls over both sides, causing all the little buttons to pop and fall around you.

"Jungkook!" You scold him

"I'll buy you a new one"

He even seems amused and kisses your breasts. It's enough for you to forget about the ripped clothes. Jungkook sneaks a hand on your back and undoes your bra. He quickly takes off both your messed up blouse and your bra. Then, he cups your boobs with his large and warm palms and takes the time to admire your picked nipples - caused by the cold air on your burning skin and your horniness. His mouth dives onto your nipples and he rolls his tongue around it, sucks on it and gently bites it. The simulation of this sensitive zone causes you to moan his name. You tell him to take off his shirt - honestly, who will say no to sneak on his perfect body?

You flick his firm chest and abs. He is way too handsome with no shirt on. But Jungkook doesn't give you too much time to enjoy the show because he unzips your black slacks and slides them down with your panties. Completely naked, you feel his glaze on you and you blush when he licks his lips, ready to eat you out.

"You are so beautiful" He whispers before he kneels down to kiss your pussy.

A choked whimper escapes your mouth. Feeling Jungkook's lips on you, and especially on your wet pussy, is electrifying. A wave of arousal washes over your body. He eats you out like a starved man. You feel your juice mixed with his saliva dripping down to your ass and your pussy clenches on nothing until Jungkook hears your silenced prayers and enters you with two fingers.

"Oh my god!" You exclaim at the sudden and delightful stretch

"I love how tight you are, babe"

You barely hear his voice because his mouth is glued to your clit but the pet name drives you crazy. You're losing your head, trying to grip the corner of the table not to lose your sanity under these perfect tongue flicks. Jungkook enhances the pace of his fingers, hitting your g-spot every time. You can't take it any longer and you feel your orgasm building up in your body so fast that you can't even tell Jungkook - not that he needs you to speak because your walls around his fingers getting tighter tell enough. You scream his name when you reach your climax, spams of pleasure all over your body.

You look literally fucked up and it's what Jungkook wanted. Seeing and even feeling your pleasure makes him horny. He can feel his hard cock completely squeezed in his pants, it's uncomfortable. You naked is a view he wishes to see everyday. At this thought, he can't help but caressing his dick through the fabric of his clothes and he kisses your inner thighs, he even bites them gently. The contact of his teeth on your sensitive skin makes you flinch. He knows damn well how to use his pretty mouth... He ends up sucking on your inner thigh skin to leave a mark. He loves thinking that you're his, even if it's just for a moment. His possessiveness doesn't just turn him on, it does the same to you. Someway, you are proud he wants you the same way you want him, and you do want to be his. And you want him to be yours.

You are out of breathe, slowly reaching down on Earth after being beyond clouds. You don't think straight and that's why your mouth speaks without consulting your brain.

"I want you" You hear your raspy post-orgasm voice says

Jungkook kisses you, some of your juice mixing in your mouth with your and his salivas. He leaves you just a few seconds and comes back with a metallic square packet in his hand.

"Are you sure?" He asks you

"Yes"

You have no doubt. You want Jungkook. You want to feel the closest you can, you want to feel him in you.

He kisses you, more gently than before, almost in a romantic way, before taking off his pants and underwear. The sight cuts your breathe: his cock is already hard. You can't deny that a new wave of wetness shakes your pussy. You wonder how stretching will his thick length be, you know he will fill you completely.

He puts the condom on, and gives himself a few pumps before placing his body closer to yours, right between your opened legs. The few seconds you have to wait to feel him are like torture. The emptiness of your pussy and the beautiful view of his hard cock so close to you makes you shiver in an impatient horniness. You're losing your mind, but it's even worse when Jungkook takes his length and slides upon your dripping pussy. You moan and then whine in pleasure when you feel it rubbing your swollen clit, causing a spam in all your body. His hard cock on your sensitive bud is the most delightful thing in the whole world.

"Jungkook, please" You beg

Once again, you don't know how much you are turning him on with your plea. "What a good girl", he thinks when he finally enters you. Slowly. Making you feel each inch stretching you and causing your mouth to open. It's so big, painful. It's so good. You don't really know if it's his cock or the realization of him filling you up but you are, once again, on the edge of your orgasm. However, you want this delightful sin to last as long as possible. That's why, when he is deep inside you, all his thick dick swallowed by your cunt, you put a hand on his firm abs to stop him from moving. You need to control yourself and take deep breathes. He is standing up, having the greatest view of your entire perfect body. Even though his position makes him dominant, on the inside, you are shaking everything in Jungkook. You could ask him anything, he would say 'yes'.

"You're so good" Jungkook says in a raspy voice before pecking you, this small gesture squeezes your heart with sweetness

When you begin to whimper from the lack of the now needed sliding, Jungkook gets the message and starts bumping. He begins quite slow but enhances the pace at each single bang. Your breasts bounces at the same rhythm and it's a call for him to grab your boob with his tattooed hand. His skin is even hotter than yours and the feeling is so damn good. His touch is like a delicious burn on your skin. His left hand keeps you in place while he penetrates you again and again. He enters you with all his length each time, hitting your g-spot. The pace is the perfect one: just providing the good amount of pain before it's unbearable. But what is unbearable is the arousal growing even bigger in your body.

"Oh my fucking god!"

"You're taking me so good, Y/N. So fucking perfect"

His head spins by the amount of pleasure. It's the pleasure of stretching your tight pussy but also of being the one in you. He keeps telling to himself how beautiful you are and how perfect your pussy feels around his cock, just like you were made for him. He wants each pounding to remind you that, at this moment, you're his and he's yours. There is nothing in the world but your two bodies being one.

He leans down to kiss you messily. You grab his hair and moan his name in his mouth. How can you survive so much pleasure? It's not just his perfect cock, Jungkook exactly knows how to move. He seems to know what you like, what you want and he gives it to you at the exact right time. That's why it's the best, best, best sex in your life.

"Are you so wet just for me?" His voice is full of cockiness and it makes you crazy, even his possessiveness creates a wave of arousal between your legs and makes your walls clench around him. "Answer me" He orders, giving a slap on the side of your ass, tightening your pussy even more and Jungkook mentally notes that you like that.

"Yes! Yes!" You repeat the only words you manage to say

"You're such a good girl" You can hear his smirk in his breathless voice, and it's fucking hot

You are so close, his cock stretching and pounding your dripping cunt. Jungkook feels your pussy clenching and he smirks. His inked hand leaves your breast to rub your clit, tightening your walls even more. It begins to be hard for him to enter you smoothly when you're so tight.

"Oh my god, Jungkook!" You moan, fighting to keep your eyes open just to see his face full of horniness and his messy-fuck hair sticked on his forehead. He is so perfect, so handsome. His puffy lips are slightly open and you swear that when he looks into your eyes, you can see his soul for a second.

"So fucking tight" He says with his jaws clenched, trying to not cum before you "Cum for me, babe. Cum around my cock"

His puzzling possessiveness towards you pushes him to fuck you harder. Eyes closed by the overwhelming wave of arousal, you have no idea that Jungkook is still watching you. So beautiful with your face torn by pleasure. He wishes to be the only one to witness it, the only one to provide you such an orgasm. And in fact, you've never cummed this hard. You get choked up, unable to make any noise, when you feel the most alive than you've ever felt - you don't even know if you're still on Earth - but Jungkook keeps fucking you through your orgasm. The overstimulation is almost too painful. Almost.

"Please, please" You groan

You don't know if it's for him to stop, to continue or to urge him to feel how good cumming right now is. Anyway, just a few poundings are enough for Jungkook after your little begging to fill the condom.

You are both panting and sweaty. Jungkook almost collapses on you and your burning skins melt into each other's. You feel so... overwhelmed. You don't even know what you're feeling right now except that you want to feel him closer. Not physically because you can't be closer than that - especially when Jungkook is still inside you - but emotionally. Your shaky hands - caused by the orgasms or your emotion - caresses his sticky hair. Jungkook throws his strong arms around you and rests his head on your breast, listening to your pounding heart. The feeling of your fingers playing with his black strands is soothing, he likes it. No, he loves it. He has never felt like this, in complete peace. He knows he is where he is to be.

You're happy Jungkook can't see your face because two big tears escape your eyes for an indeterminate reason. Well, actually, deep down, you know the reason but you're not ready to accept it just yet. Thankfully, you have time to dry your eyes before Jungkook lifts his pretty head and kisses you. A real, beautiful, perfect kiss. A kiss that says everything, every truth of the world and even more. Or is it your imagination because of your foggy post-amazing-orgasm brain?

Jungkook straightens up slowly and pulls out from you. The void between your legs is unpleasant, like a piece of you is missing. He grabs your hand to help to get off the table. Your weak and shaky legs abandon you but Jungkook's quick reflexes prevent you from hitting the ground.

"Wooh, easy cowboy" He laughs, kissing your temples

Why does he have to be so cute right now? Your legs are not the only part of your body to be weak at this moment: your heart is too. And his bunny smile, his adorable doe eyes and his scrunched nose are a huge threat.

You try to push this thoughts away and concentrate on stabilizing yourself. When you feel like you won't directly drop, you carefully let go of Jungkook's support.

"I should go take a shower" You say with a still raspy voice

"Sure, I'll give you a towel. And a t-shirt" He tells you playfully, glancing at your yellow once blouse.

You try to clean yourself quickly to give way to Jungkook but you still take the time to appreciate the smell of his body wash. It's not the usual strong and manly scent but a sophisticate amber and lemony fragrance. You realize it's perfect for Jungkook: mannish but soft at the same time. Okay, your brain is definitely not working well if you think his body wash is a mirror for his personality...

Out of the bathroom with the clean oversize black t-shirt and a pair of boxers that Jungkook gave you, you see him cleaning the diner table dressed only with his underwear. The mesmerizing view makes you blush. You don't say anything to enjoy the show a little longer. But Jungkook eventually notices you and gives you a genuine smile.

"You can choose a movie while I go shower, if you want"

He says that so naturally. Does that mean he expects you to stay over? Not that you complain but last time he left, so you kind of supposed you'd have to leave too. You are in fact really happy to stay and to spend more time with Jungkook after this intimate moment. Does he feel like something changed too? It was not only the sex but the few minutes after, while you were pressed against each other. You know what aftercare is but it was more than that.

———

"What are you doing this weekend?" Jungkook asks you

The movie has been going on for almost a hour now. You were surprised - but so happy - when Jungkook sat next to you and pulled closer, his arm around your shoulders. The fact that you smelled the same kind of made your heart beat faster. Silly, you thought. It was so good that you didn't want to think it was anything more than after-sex moment because if Jungkook decided to not see you again, you knew it would hurt you.

But now, he is asking for this weekend. So maybe, just maybe, he wants to see you again. Maybe to start something more serious?

"I have a thing Saturday. But I'm free Friday night and Sunday" You try to control your smile. "What about you?"

"I was thinking we could go to the Lotte aquarium. Have you been there?"

"Never" You answer, remembering that Suzi and you always talked about visiting it but always ended up doing something else. "I'd love to go"

You bite your lower lip to prevent you from asking "Is it a date?".

"Great" Jungkook smiles at you with his cute bunny smile, relieved that you agreed to go out with him. "What are your plans for Saturday, if it's okay for me to ask?"

"One of my friends is graduating from high school"

"You have young friends!" He jokes

"Yah, I'm not that old! You, on the other hand, can't say the same" You tease and he looks falsely offended

"Come on, Y/N, I'm like three years older"

You don't really think before kissing Jungkook. It's only when you pull your lips apart that you realize that you got carried away by the flirty situation and that you might have crossed a line.

Seeing the panic in your eyes, Jungkook reassures you by kissing you. Himself can't get enough of your pretty lips. Being with you, watching a movie, having you in his arms seems so natural to him. As it's always have been like that. He doesn't know why, and he doesn't even try to understand. He just wants to enjoy it.

And he does. All night. You sleeping in his bed is a blessing, almost a dream. That's why he wraps your body with an arm: he makes sure that you won't disappear. He can't deny that this fear comes with old demons that he tries to push away.

———

"Jongseob!" You scream your friend's name like a proud mom

He is wearing his high school uniform and, something unusual, he has styled his caramel hair - and yes, he has been punished for dying his hair. However, you can't yell at him when he is this cute.

"Noona!"

He immediately jumps at you and you notice that he has grown since the last time you saw him a few month ago.

"I'm so, so proud of you" You tell him, hugging him tightly. "I have something for you"

Jongseob grabs the bag you hand him and takes a look. His almond eyes sparkles and his lovely smile gets bigger. He looks genuinely happy to discover the new video game he told you about and a full box of donuts from your favorite coffee shop.

You are moved to see him happy. It's a drastic change from your first encounter and each time you think about it, your heart is painfully squeezed. It was three years ago. Suzi had sent you a text to tell you that she would be late. Grumbling, you decided to start shopping for the weekend party without her. You were strolling in Myeongdong when you heard some strange noises coming from a narrowed alley. A small group of high schoolers were having fun. Or that's what you thought at first. But watching carefully, you noticed that four of them were, indeed having fun from bullying a younger boy. You felt panicked, sad and angry. You didn't think a second before rushing toward them and yelling at them. They might have think you were crazy.

"If you touch him again, I swear to God that I will make you regret being born" You told them

It was not really your threat but the fading amusement that made them leave. When you turned around, you saw this scared but cute boy. You hugged him tightly and told him that he'd never be alone again. After that, you both sat at your now favorite coffee and you payed him a donut. Since then, Jongseob is like your little brother. You really, purely love each other. And you are so, so proud of him: he is more confident now and he graduates with special mention.

You can see in Jongseob's eyes that he is also thinking about your first encounter. Both of you have watery eyes now. He's never told you that he thinks you're his guardian angel. You helped him so much that he made a promise to himself: he will work hard and will give everything you want. He will take care of you the same way you took care of him. You're the person who knows him the most, like a big sister, his Noona.

You let him go join his classmates and you sit on the bleachers to follow the graduation. Pride brightens your eyes and warms your heart. When the headmaster calls 'Kim Jongseob', he stands up, takes his diploma and looks for you in the crowd. When his eyes meet yours, he waves at you with his certificate, a perfect sign of success after all he's been through.

"Noona, I'm not a kid anymore" Jongseob complains when you hand him a hot chocolate

You roll your eyes. After the ceremony, you invited him at the coffee shop and ordered the usual: a hot chocolate for Jongseob, a latte for you and two glazed lemon donuts - you told him to bring back home the ones you gave him earlier.

"Yah! It's not because you're not in high school anymore that you can't drink hot chocolate. Come on, I know you love it"

With a sigh, Jongseob gives up the protest and takes a sip. The sweet flavor makes him forget why he wanted anything else.

"I'm so proud of you"

"Stop! You said that a hundred times today"

"I know but it's true"

You can't control your emotion. Like you said earlier, you look like a proud mom and you are not going to be sorry for that. Moreover, you know that Jongseob is secretly happy to know how you feel about him, his own parents are not very supportive.

Jongseob's phone rings and he immediately jumps on it. He reads the text, blushes and answers. You squint and wait for him to put down the device. Jongseob notices the suspicious and amused expression on your face.

"What?" He asks, blushing harder

"Don't you have something to tell me?" You take a sip of your latte, trying to act detached while you're dying to know all the details

"There is this girl, Jiwon, she is so pretty and nice. We-we talk, that's all"

"You like her?"

"I-I think"

Jongseob is too cute when he is shy. He is a good guy, you have no doubt that Jiwon will see it too. You are also happy that he found someone, a friend, to talk to. After being bullied, it was hard for him to trust other people and you were the only one he talked to. But you have noticed a slight change in him: he is more open to others and, even if they can't be described as 'friends', he spends some time with them.

"What about you, Noona?"

"There is this guy, Jungkook, he is so pretty and nice" You tease him and Jongseob gently slaps your arm to make you stop. "I'm kidding! But for real, there is a guy. I don't really know what we are"

Actually, you are glad to talk about Jungkook to someone. You know you can talk to Suzi but she is too implicated so Jongseob can help you see things differently, especially when he doesn't know Jungkook.

"What would you like you two to be?"

It's a simple question. And yet, you never thought about it. When you're with Jungkook, you feel so good. He makes you happy, alive and it's more than just sex. The physical attraction you've had for him for months became something deeper when you started spending time with him. It's also scary how such a short time was enough for your heart and your brain to be full of Jungkook.

"I... want him" You whisper "I feel alive when I'm with him. I don't know how to explain but I want to be with him"

"What are you wanting for?"

You look at Jongseob with a surprised and confused look. He looks so confident - you don't know that it's thank to you that he can be.

"Go tell him. You have nothing to loose. And honestly, if this Jungkook guy doesn't want to be with you, he sucks"

Jongseob's cute smile gives you courage. He gives you a 'go girl!' look. You grab you bag, kiss Jongseob on his chubby cheek and waves him goodbye.

———

The bus ride allowed you to organize your speech. You feel so fucking stressed. Your heart beats loudly in your chest. You know that it's not easy to lay yourself bare and confess your feelings but you also know that you shared something real with Jungkook. You can't be the only one to feel this way, he must feel it too.

You arrive at the closest bus stop to Jungkook's. You place your hand on your crazy beating heart and take a deep breathe. It's okay, nothing can go wrong. You walk to his building and you are surprised to see him, standing up next to his Mercedes. You are ready to call him out but you throat goes dry when you see a girl hugging him.

What the hell?

You are close enough to hear them talking. But this can't be happening. It's all a misunderstanding, like in movies. The girl took him for someone else, or Jungkook is going to push her away. But no. The ground is opening under your feet, swallowing you. However, it's even more painful when you hear what they are saying.

"Kookie, I need you" The girl says in Jungkook's chest

"I'm here, I'm not leaving you"

Each word coming from his mouth is a dragger in your broken heart.

He wraps his arms around the fragile girl's body, an awful reminder that he's done the exact same thing to you just a few days ago.

"I love you" She says

Please, don't. Don't say it.

"I love you too"

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#bts #bts fanfic #bts smut #bts jungkook #bangtan sonyeondan #jeon jungkook #jjk #jjk x reader #jungkook #jjk smut #smut #kpop smut #female reader #x reader

[tsukinoakume]

RW&RB MovieAlex vrs BookAlex: A Rant

I'm late to the party on Red, White, and Royal Blue for a dumb reason and now I'm obsessed with it. OMG I WAS SO WRONG.

I love the book. I love the movie. I also love the difference between them that I find myself obsessing over: the lack of June.

I love June. I'm also not mad that they removed her from the movie, because I honestly don't think they had the time to do her justice. The important thing is that when they removed her, they split her personality and scenes between Nora and Alex. And the result is fascinating.

Combining June with Alex gives us a calmer, more emotionally mature, competent version of Alex. He is definitely not the hot mess that BookAlex is. (Don't get me wrong here: BookAlex is my favorite character.) But now it's implied that MovieAlex is better at keeping his temper, handles his shit without being micromanaged, advocates for himself more, and I'm pretty sure the speech he gives is his own. Probably with help, but still. Also not having divorced parents means MovieAlex doesn't have BookAlex's abandonment issues. It's never said that his parents' relationship is perfect, but it's implied that he's had a stable family background. MovieAlex still has flaws and he's not Nora Levels of Competency, but he's definitely a lot more balanced. And this actually changes his relationship with Henry, just a little.

Namely in reference to my two favorite scenes:

1) Storming the Castle.

BookAlex is a ball of rage in this scene, and it's GLORIOUS. Yelling at the windows, aggressively dripping everywhere trying to ruin the rugs, making rude comments about Henry's ancestors. He is defiant. He yells, Henry yells back. It ends in tears, but there's a lot of anger.

MovieAlex by contrast is quieter, more hurt. He hardly yells at all. (I rewatched this scene like 20 times for Repeat to be sure.) He's determined, and he doesn't back down, but you get to see that split second of fear in his eyes that Henry is asking him to leave. There's a lot more emotion and tears in this version. It's ... sweeter isn't the right word. Bittersweet, maybe.

Downside: The lack of transition in the morning from the book. I miss Alex expecting to be dumped, and Henry realizing he doesn't want Phillip's life before deliberately making the choice to be with Alex. Also the comment on Alex's hair, which made me giggle.

2) The Museum Scene

I know a lot of people are disappointed with this scene, and I feel the need to argue about why it's brilliant the way it is.

In the book, they go to the museum because Henry has made his choice, and now he's showing one of his favorite places to Alex. He's the one who brings up the music. He chooses to fulfill his fantasy with Alex there, and he chooses to play a song that embodies the romanticism of their situation, about being in love and not being able to let anyone else know. Your Song.

In the movie, they go to the museum when Henry's still trying to decide if this is something he can have, and he's sharing a part of himself with Alex when he talks about his fantasy. Alex is the one who chooses to fufill it, so of course he chooses a different song. For him, it's a song about how easy it is to love Henry. I Can't Help Falling In Love With You.

I also love that they changed Henry giving the ring to Alex to Alex giving Henry his key in return. I love the symbolism of Alex keeping Henry's ring safe for him, of their two homes side by side. But I also love the idea of exchanging parts of themselves. I love that they have those pieces of each other when they're separated and the emails are exposed.

The book tells the story better overall because it has the time to, and the bickering and friendship between the boys is everything. The movie makes me melt over the flirting and affection between them. I can't pick one over the other because both versions of this story are wonderful.

But emotionally mature MovieAlex and how soft he is with Henry, making sure Henry's taken care of? I am WEAK for that.

#Doing this here instead of my author's notes #I have a lot of feelings about red white and royal blue okay? #movie versus book #both both is good #emotionally competent Alex FTW #red white and royal blue

[olderthannetfic]

You've encountered site changes over time as a fan elder, what do you make of Tumblr potentially being put out to pasture? Tumblr was my coming of age fan site, and im looking for advice to transition to the next thing with grace and less bitterness than I feel now.

--

Ahaha. God, you should have heard the howling about LJ. "Fandom is over!" "Never again shall we dwell in fandom's True Home!" etc.

Hell, this endless "only LJ was good" crap turns up in replies here on posts where I as OP have very clearly laid out why that's rose colored glasses nonsense and you can so make friends on tumblr, have a conversation on tumblr, etc.

I had my crabby phase about this during the transition from Yahoo Groups to LJ. A lot of the real olds had it over paper zines and the transition to the internet.

I don't know if reading these hilariously samey old posts would help. It does give perspective, I think.

--

As for what you should do, do what I did with Tumblr:

1.

Look around to identify the Next Thing fandom is going to camp out on.

It may take a few guesses and some time to figure this out. You will likely not be an early adopter. Fandom was well established here by the time I joined at the end of 2010. Of course, by now, all those 2009 and before accounts are long gone, but at the time, I was a n00b joining other people's space despite having been in fandom for ages.

2.

Don't expect to enjoy it

I didn't join tumblr because I liked it. In fact, I despised it. I kept right on despising it until a brief stint in Sherlock fandom, a fandom that was so active here at the time that I was able to finally see the good aspects of the site's structure and features.

This is the mistake a lot of people make. They give things a cursory try, don't enjoy them, and go "not for me", forgetting that the last site also had a steep learning curve that was either difficult or that they didn't notice because they were in a different phase of their life.

Bitterness and grief are, frankly, an inherent part of the process. You can try not to be a debbie downer in your public comments, but you can't just not feel those things during the awkward part of the transition. Sometimes, acting positive and cutting off excessively negative thoughts can make you feel less negative overall, but it doesn't happen immediately.

3.

Accept that feeling cranky and old is both a you problem and a state of mind, not a property of the new site

Relatedly, the way we remember fandom platform X feeling usually has more to do with us being in college with fandom friends down the hall or having discovered Our People for the first time or some other time when we had a lot of energy and positive emotions. Often, we were in the throes of a first or new fandom love too, probably for some megafandom that other people also cared about at the same time.

When fandom is leaving some site, there's a grieving process anyway, but we're also often in a worse part of our lives for starting new things. We're busy. We're tired. We're between fandoms. We feel like we already paid our dues to build up our community. Why should we have to start again?

But let me tell you, you always need to start again eventually. I go to a weekly vidders' zoom chat, and a lot of the people in there are old as balls, including Kandy, the person who invented vidding back in the 70s. She's a lot of decades and a few cancers in, and she had to relearn how to vid on a computer after transitioning from slideshows to VCR vidding back in the day. If bad health, platform changes, and dead friends were going to stop her, she'd be long gone.

It's like sharks: you stop swimming, you die.

This isn't just about fandom, obviously. It's about avoiding a midlife crisis and, later, about avoiding feeling emotionally geriatric even when your body is falling apart.

Change gets us all, but being mentally old is a choice. The real reason I gave tumblr such a try was that I had been so resistant to getting on LJ. I was 20. Even a year later, it was fucking embarrassing to have been a crotchety old hag as a college student. I promised myself I'd soldier through the next change instead of dragging my feet about it. And it totally worked in the end! But boy did it not make the transition any less unpleasant emotionally!

4.

Find your joy

As is obvious from the above, the vast majority of the problem is just emotions. Fandom has been on a million broken sites with shitty features. We go where the people are, regardless of whether it has the technological aspects we liked at the last place. The actual shape of that platform is largely irrelevant.

What does matter is whether we as an individual fan are still excited and happy about something. I was between fandoms recently and went looking around for BL series I hadn't watched yet. People kept suggesting things set in the present day with too-cheesy production values and too many banal schoolboys in modern day settings without even anything spicy going on. I realized that the BL/danmei scene wasn't really cutting it for me and I should go for production values and genre and non-canon ships. You probably scrolled annoyedly past the picspams that resulted.

(Of course, hilariously, someone has now shown me the trailer of Red Peafowl, so someone may be making BL that feels like it's for me after all. Look at all that badwrong and very dark color grading.)

When you're in a good place emotionally, it's a hell of a lot easier to weather any change, and when you have a new fandom, it's a lot easier to connect with other fans.

A lot of people wait around for lightning to strike twice. They found their first fandom by accident, and they expect it to happen seamlessly again. For me, it's far more productive to brute force it: collect up a big list of what's popular or what's new and go through it till you find things you might like, then try them all.

And part of this, obviously, is not waiting for other fans to make the party happen. The more you need to join something other people are already doing, the less choice you'll have in fandoms or in platforms. If you aren't picky and just go where the tropey longfic is, that can work, but even then, favorite authors disappear or go to fandoms you hate and former megafandoms dry up. If you're the one bringing the party, it's a lot easier to find a new fandom or platform or community to have fun in.

[black-lake]

astro observations 6

Heyyy, here's another observation. ☆ This is a lighthearted one, I hope so. I've done so many hard aspects/healing observations ik, and so lets have fun with this one! This post focuses on the ascendant and physical traits, but anything that comes to mind really. 🦚 🦚

Highlights: ascendant, virgo, gemini, leo, aquarius, pisces, all risings, moon, saturn, neptune, uranus, pluto, celebrity ascendants, degrees.

------

🐉 If something happens to your teeth or jaw, check your Saturn transits or solar return. You may get braces or aligners during a significant saturn aspect transit. Check the transits if any bones you have start acting up. You may feel like getting cosmetic treatment, surgery or anything of that kind. Stepping up your aesthetic game. I got my aligners during multiple saturn conjunction transits, a pain in all aspects of life lol, wasn't expecting less from it. It's a good time to break and restructure solid things in general, in your life, body, and mind, it will have a lasting effect.

🐉 If you have ascendant-pluto aspect transit or in your solar return, especially ascendant conjunct pluto, you may change many things in your looks/aesthetics. You could fix something you wanted to fix in your appearance, change your wardrobe, your style, dye your hair, or go through a major glow up. You could also change the way you express yourself and show up to the world. Any aspect of your ascendant will undergo some kind of transformation, even the way you view yourself.

🐉 Virgo risings are easy to spot for me, they have small features that are defined but soft, think Emma Watson, Timothée Chalamet, Chris Jenner, Kurt Cobain, and Emma Chamberlain (which I believe is a virgo rising not approved, but the vibes are strong). They kind of have a perfect look yet they don't care about it, cuz idealists ya know. They are effing beautiful. They want to appear natural, remember. Sometimes I notice they talk about doing the least to their appearance and keeping their natural hair/beauty, even tho it is so evident that they take good care of themselves and that takes effort and time. But they also do it effortlessly. If you compliment their natural beauty you are a keeper. Never tell them they're trying too hard, ouch. They care about using natural/vegan products, and encourage others to do so. Again Mercury influence does give off a swag vibe, wether in how they dress or appear, cool girl next door, fast talker, intelligent af, sweet but honest, hard worker. They dress in a professional, comfortable and clean way.

(I can't decide, but it might be my fav rising, y'all win).

🐉 Gemini risings look much like Virgo risings, their features are small and elf-like. But they are harder to spot imo. They have morso a fluid look, not giving too much feminine nor masculine energy or mannerism. They can be soft, but can be many other things at once. Their skin looks youthful. They have charming smiles. They are easy to spot not in the face but with how much long and flexible their body is, especially hands and feet lol. (trust me I'm a Gemini rising, hypermobility at its finest). They move kind of effortlessly fast. Their vibe is childlike, dechated, swag, quick, nonchalant, noncommittal, and intelligent. They can and want to change their aesthetics, but the quick wit and youthfulness are always there. Their fashion style is casual, trendy, may like to wear silver jewelleries and chains. The way they match their clothes and create completely different looks everytime makes them trendsetters. They dress in the way they want to talk, like their communication influences their style. They move their hands a lot and they may get compliment on their hands. 

🐉 Leo risings of course, with the typical hair like a lion's mane, thick and beautiful. But I noticed it doesn't have to be that, there's just something striking about it for no reason sometimes, like the hair is brown but never boring brown, it's shiny or has many shades in it, either way it catches attention. They have noticeable and gorgeous smiles. With the Leo Aquarius axis, their looks can be very individualistic, like there isn't something particular in the face that give it away, their features are simply just them. But with the Sun influence, it brightens an aspect of their physical looks, like bright hazel eyes, natural sun-kissed highlights or skin, warm complections. They like to appear confident and in charge. They want to be seen for whatever they value. They dress in a glamorous, colorful way, depending on other placements of course. e.g. Blake Lively, Vanessa Hudgens, Justin Timberlake, Selena Gomez.

🐉 Other risings that are easy to spot for me are Capricorn, the sharp jaw, bone structure, big straight teeth, and prominent collarbones. Their model-like features and calm unbothered aura makes them trendsetters. Aries, very bold but in a youthful and childlike way (whichever is dominant depends on other placements), athletic bodies, something masculine about them. They dress in colorful or sometimes just dark clothes. The way they match clothes makes them different, bold trendsetters. Scorpio, the darker hair and shadows in their face, their gaze, overall intense vibes. They can have the dark aesthetic look, tights, skirts, bold makeup. The way they give off the idgaf look and also their sultry energy makes them trendsetters. Cancer, round face, full feminine bodies, dimples. They dress comfortably, baggy clothes and comfy fabrics, light-colored clothes, feminine dresses that compliment their bodies. They can be trendsetters with the naturally cute vibes they have, but if other outer planet aspects support it, like uranus and neptune.

🐉 Now Aquarius and Pisces risings are tricky, sometimes I get them right sometimes I'm surprised to find out. Aquarius can have a distinctive look and features that are just simply them, so it would be hard to guess based on just that. The hair, face shape, spaced-out and bright eyes, distinctive features, lean body and sometimes brighter skin can stand out. But again rather than features, it's the vibe and mannerism that I notice right away, they can be unconventional in the way they dress. They of course set the trends with their originality. It's so easy for me to spot aquarius placements in general, but rising is tricky. They appear intelligent and friendly, sometimes rebellious and too individualistic or both. They have an innocent and nonchalant charm. 

🐉 Pisces risings are somewhat easier to spot, because their features tend to be noticeably dreamy, watery, big and again very spaced-out eyes, even looking high lol. Can have downturned, sanpaku eyes or a striking eye color. They have milky smooth skin and small teeth. They give off a flirty yet innocent look with their slow but smooth expression. They kinda look like they've been daydreaming for the past 7 hours. Now the way they present themselves is the tricky one for me, even the way they dress, it can be changeful and meld into other inner placements. Like they might dress boldly if they have aries or fire somewhere, or dress casually and trendy if they have air. Whatever they dress like, it's always unique and inspiring. Major trendsetters because they give off an immaculate and irreplaceable vibe. They can also look like anyone's dream, or create their own dream appearance that becomes iconic, especially if they have neptune-ascendant aspects. 

🐉 The harder ones to guess for me are Sagittarius and the Venusian risings, Libra and Taurus. I don't know whether it's because I don't have these signs in my chart or that I haven't met many venusian people in general. Taurus risings have this natural earthy beauty, that doesn't seem to age. Their face has a glow, full lips, healthy looking skin, naturally beautiful hair, distinctive face shape. Their style is comfortable but luxurious. They choose their fabrics with attention. Natural expression, giving the I don't have to try hard. For Libra they tend to look kind, treat people well and smile a lot I noticed. They again don't seem to age. They have balanced features that just work well together and create a beautiful look. They like to dress in a girly and classy way. They want to appear likable, so they look like they're extra, trying hard. Not the type to create trends but follow them but won't go unnoticed. Sagittarius risings dress in whatever way makes them feel free, positive and alive. Their style can have bright colors, flowy clothing, suits that are never boring, and accessories. They have unique hairstyles and hair colors and they change their style a lot.

🐉 A reminder that you won’t look 100% your Ascendant ever, other placements and aspects do influence the look a great deal. Sometimes the ascendant isn't even apparent in your physical look or expression because other placements are dominant in the mix, especially if you have planets conjunct or oppose the ascendant, major aspects to personal planets, or you have a stellium in a different sign. Your venus and mars and their degrees are especially important. e.g. Kendall Jenner gives me strong Scorpio vibes in the way she expresses herself and dresses, even though she only has sun in scorpio but has Aries moon and ascendant, and a lot of sagittarius. She has venus conjunct pluto and venus, pluto, and mars 10° in the 8th house so scorpio and pluto is the dominant energy for her. Her style is a mix of scorpio, capricorn and aries. She has a minimalistic but polished style, prefers daker/neutral colors (scorpio sun and capricorn mc at 8°). But she still has the aries and sagittarius playful influence, yet not as strong. Even her house gives me strong capricorn and scorpio vibes and a bit of aries. 

🐉 Another example is Ariana Grande, she doesn’t dress so much like a Capricorn rising. She has taurus venus in 4th, libra moon, neptune and uranus conjunct ascendant, scorpio MC with pluto 10th, mars 8th, and cancer sun and mercury. All of this influences the way she dresses, but the venusian signs, cancer, scorpio, neptune and uranus influence is strong. Let's break it down. Her style is comfortable and girly, oversized sweaters and heels, pink and lavender colors (taurus venus in 4th, sun and mercury in cancer, libra moon). Flirty dresses, short skirts and knee-high boots, wanting to appear sexy in her video clips and many of her looks, her social media having a dark aesthetic, (scorpio MC, pluto 10th and mars in the 8th). The way she expresses herself is very known to the public, the iconic long high ponytail and long boots style being her brand which many people try to copy (neptune conjunct ascendant at 0°). Again her aesthetic is distinctives and unique (uranus conjunct ascendant at 0°). Her style wouldn’t be a big deal if she didn't have major outer planets influence. Now the capricorn ascendant still comes out in the way she works extremely hard, cares about her money and reputation, is professional with people, knows how to lead and make good business decisions. And of course, her face shape, sharp long jaw, prominent teeth and collarbones scream cap rising. 

🐉 Moon conjunct Saturn can give downturned or sleepy eyes. Now this is especially true if there are other earth placements, especially moon, or other strong saturn aspects. Wise looking eyes, mature look, commanding respect because they earned it, they likely went through a lot. Grounded and down to earth, trustworthy, hard working and serious. e.g. George Clooney, Cate Blanchett, Emma Chamberlain, Timothée Chalamet. 

🐉 Moon conjunct/opposite Jupiter is a great manifestation aspect. Of course if you are aware of it, work on it, and develop it continuously. But there are other manifestation aspects I noticed. Jupiter and Neptune aspecting NN, Mercury conjunct/opposite Jupiter/Saturn/Uranus or Neptune. Venus aspecting Moon/Jupiter/Neptune especially conjunctions/oppositions. Sun or moon conjunct/opposite Jupiter/Saturn. Pallas or Vesta conjunct/opposite inner planets or Neptune and Uranus. Doesn’t mean that individuals with these aspects get things easily, it just means that if you are conscious and make efforts things are very possible. 

🐉 One aspect I wish I had is Mars or Mercury conjunct/opposite Uranus and Neptune. The artistic talents these aspects give, man it's a huge blessing if you have it, work with it. Two magical and colorful outer planets (neptune and uranus) joining your mind and body personal planets (mercury and mars) is a huge blessing imo. Could give talents in dancing, performing, writing, acting, inventing things, many varieties. And actually it makes the individual multi-talented. I do have mars square both uranus and neptune, and mercury sextile neptune, but the conjunctions are so powerful. 

🐉 A cardinal sign at 0° is an important placement. I heard Pam Gregory once say that a 0° of a cardinal sign and within two degrees of both sides (28°, 29° mutable and 1°, 2° cardinal) is on the world axis or a critical public point. How this will manifest depends on the planet and the house it's in. I have a 0° aries Mercury in the 11th and I find it fascinating to observe because when I think about it, it already went through Pisces the last sign of the zodiac and 29° the last degree of the cycle, it ended both the sign and degree cycles and it's completely new, it's really interesting!

🐉 You won't feel like the planet acts completely like the sign it's in. The 0° doesn’t just have the fresh energy of the sign but the wisdom of the previous sign and remembers it vividly, because the cycle wrapped not long ago. It's not like "new" and "unadvanced" at all. It has an important thing to share with the world, but it's on a new journey of discovery with the sign it's in. So in my case, it needs to develop the qualities of that sign (aries) in order to share the wisdom it already possesses (pisces) with the new attitude it has (aries). I felt like I grew into my 0° aries mercury eventually, saying exactly what's on my mind without hesitation. At first it felt like my communication style wasn't discovered yet, I would hesitate, until someone pisses me off then I go off on them lol. My words become honest and cut throat. But it does feel like I have some of that pisces mercury energy sometimes, speaking with metaphors and symbols, being compassionate, talking softly, and in two minutes I'm already screaming, like fight me lol. The aries energy can act on impulse when angry, I can cut people off if they hurt me, thinking I don't need no one, this is where we work to develop the sign. 

🐉 The way I think about it in general, 0° of a sign means that just before you were born, the planet already ended a 29° cycle of the previous sign. You gained wisdom through trials and errors and now have the new energy of the current sign. You have to share what you learned with the world. In the 0° cardinal example, and within two degrees both sides, it's more public, like the information can spread widely. It should develop and use the assertive energy of the cardinal sign the planet is in (aries, cancer, libra, capricorn) and initiate action somehow. Keep in mind that you will have similar energy with the mutable 28° and 29° (gemini, virgo, sagittarius and pisces) since it's almost already the end of a cycle, it's like going through your final test, so time to use and share your talents and knowledge. The difference here is with the 28° and 29°, you need to use the energy of the sign the planet is in fully and wisely. But with the 0°, 1°, and 2°, you need to develop the new energy as you go and share what you already know using that new energy. Now of course the sign the degree represents should be taken into consideration, e.g. with 28° embodying cancer energy (a caring, nurturing but assertive way), and 29° embodying leo energy (confidently ruling and shining). With 0° you have a lot of freedom to embody and create your own values, still working with the sign it’s in. 

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