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maybe-its-5sos · 1 month

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Try again (Toshinori Yagi Smut)

Requested: no

Summary: You want to add another addition to the family, he’s unsure.

Word Count: 1695

Warning(s): Self-doubt, Smut

“So What I think doesn’t matter?” You question sitting down next to Yagi on the couch.

Tho you’d been with him for years and have 2 kids, he still occasionally gets into these strange thought patterns. Yes, his self esteem has been low ever since he lost use of his All Might form, but you thought that you having been with him for so long would be worth something.

“Of course it does, dear!” His eyes shoot towards yours, as if searching for something.

“Well then, listen to me, I married you because I love you, all of you. Furthermore I prefer you in your smaller form and I’ve told you as much as thousand times. I know it’s not easy, and I know you feel down, but you need to remember that people still love you no matter what!” You say, taking a sip of your tea, offering Toshi his own cup. He takes it, looking like he’s deep in thought.

“You’re right” he says looking at you again with a smile, but it seemed a bit hollow, like he didn’t truly believe it. You decided to not push the matter further for now as your 9 year old barges into the living room from his room. “ Dad! Look” he says excitedly, he had fashioned his blanket into a cape. You smile wiggling your eyebrows at your husband.

He goes to play with him and your 6 year old joins in, playing as a villain.

You thought the ruckus in your house would never stop as your family spent their day off playing heroes and villains and god whatever else came to their creative brilliant little minds. Your husband played along with all of it.

By the end of the night, the kids were so worn out, getting them to bed was a dream. They were sleeping pretty much the second their heads hit the pillow.

You were in your bedroom, getting ready for bed as Yagi joined you. “Hey, I wanna talk to you about something when you have a moment.” You tell your loving husband as you put on your baggy sleep shirt. “What’s on your mind, darling?” He inquired.

“ I want another kid.” You blurt out, looking away, worried about his reaction. A breath hitches in his throat causing him to cough. “Y/n, Im not sure that would be a good idea, the kids would have a pretty big age gap and I don’t know if I could keep up with another kid…” he says, nudging you to face him, putting a finger under your chin to lift it, getting you to look at him.

“I know… but I miss being pregnant” you trail off. “Why would you want another child with someone like me? When we had our boys I was still All might, I still had something to offer.” He confesses quietly. Doubts swirling in his mind. It was true, you had your youngest long before his quirk became nearly un usable. It always worried him, not being able to protect his family anymore, he also thought you would lose your interest in him. To his surprise you had stayed steadfast in your love and adoration for him.

You shoot him a glare, “I love you no matter what Toshi, You have so much more to offer than just being a hero and I still don’t care what form you’re in.” You tell him, giving him a reassuring peck. In all honesty, if you had the time and he had the energy, you’d have a gaggle of kids by now. You’d be jumping his bones at every and any opportunity. Sadly tho, with your family keeping both of you busy and his injuries hindering his sex drive, that hasn’t been a possibility.

“I don’t know” he says nervously. “Just think about it, even if the answer is no, I would appreciate you giving it a thought.” You tell him, looking at him with a slightly sad look. He caught it immediately but didn’t say anything about it, giving you a nod.

Getting in bed, you fall asleep tho a little restless, he on the other hand couldn’t sleep. Toshis thoughts were racing.

He wanted to give you want you want. He always had. But at the same time he was unsure if he could handle another kid. Yagi loves his boys and would do anything in his power for them. Could he have another?

Before he knew it, the blaring alarm, rays of sunshine and tussling from your side of the bed awoken him from a slumber he didn’t even realise he was in. He keeps his eyes shut, trying to get a little more sleep while you get out of bed and make your way to the kitchen.

Cheerful giggles fill your home and delightful smells of food tingle the nose. Toshi shuffles towards the kitchen, stopping when he sees you three. Playfully preparing breakfast. The youngest is holding the spatula, while the oldest is getting things out of the fridge to set on the table. You’re cutting up fruit as you giggle at your youngest making goofy faces.

They look so much like a younger version of their father. You always wonder where your genetics disappeared to.

The breakfast was delicious, even if Toshi couldn’t eat a whole lot and everyone was all giggles. Today was the end of the weekend, meaning the boys needed to clean up their rooms and do all their homework. And man does Yagi find it sexy when you go into teacher mode. You run a tight ship. The boys already know the routine.

Your husband’s heart flutters as he watches you help your oldest do his math as the youngest also listens tho he clearly doesn’t fully understand what you’re going on about. Maybe he truly does want another kid.

Getting back to the bedroom, the boys clean and in bed, getting ready to go to sleep yourself. Toshi comes out from the shower a beautiful wide sparkling smile on his face. “I think I’m okay with trying for another.”

“What?” You question, what he said not quite registering. “ I want another baby, unless you’ve changed your mind, dear” He explains, his smile slightly faltering. “Really?!” You whisper shriek. He nods, his smile even brighter than before, you swear that smile could make you melt if you looked at it long enough.

You smash your lips into his, pulling him into a passionate kiss as you pull him closer by the drawstrings on his pj pants. “Are you sure?” You say catching your breath. “Yes.” He chuckles. As you make your way towards your bed.

He gently pulls the shirt you just put on over your head, throwing it on the ground together with his pj pants. He’s already starting to pitch a tent in his underwear. He’s gently kissing down your neck as you gently play with his hair. He reaches your breasts, gently nuzzling one as he squeezes the other, a gentle hum escaping you.

“You’re so beautiful, y/n” he says, taking one of your nipples in his mouth. He gently suckles on in, soon switching to the other. “ I wish we had time to do this more often” you murmur. He chuckles lowly, kissing down your abdomen, getting closer and closer to your core.

He gently nibbles on the soft supple skin of your inner thigh, earning a slight arch of the back from you.

He gently removes your panties, rubbing a finger in your folds. Soon his tongue follows. He’s eating you out like it’s his last supper, earning moans and groans from you, your hand stuck in his hair unable to contain your pleasure. You can feel a mile on his face as he gets you this riled up. He knows he can’t last as long as he used to, so he makes sure you feel as good as possible before the main act.

Euphoria hits you as your muscles clench, begging for a release. His tongue hits your clit perfectly, throwing you off of the cliff, bliss clouding your mind.

“ I need you” you moan, as Toshi gets back on top of you while you try to push his underwear off. He assists you revealing his massive member. Even after all these years, you’ve still never quite gotten used to it. Didn’t help that he was gone so often. “ I love you, y/n” he tells you as he’s lining himself up, giving you a deep, passionate kiss. It feels like he needs you, in a way that could never be described. It’s so loving yet needy.

“ Are you ready, sweetie?” He groans. “Yeah” you moan in anticipation. He gently pushes into you, giving you a bit of time to adjust. You roll your hips into him, signalling for him to move.

The thrusts are slow, deep and sweet. He’s making love to you like it’s the first time, no matter how many times you’ve been in this situation. He’s always just so sweet and caring. His hips roll into yours so naturally, like you’re made for each other. Youre both trying to keep it down, but it feels so good that some quiet groans escape both of you. Yagis pace quickening as his climax is getting closer.

You pull him closer, your nails gently grazing his back. He’s kissing your neck, sucking on the skin here and there but not hard enough to leave marks. Your becoming more and more breathless as you get closer to your second cumming.

His thrusts become jagged and less rhythmic as you feel him twitch in you. A few more thrusts later, you climax again, him following shortly after. He stays inside as his seed shoots into you, his breaths short and body being held up by just his elbows. Yagi shoots you a bright smile, kissing your cheek. “Hopefully that did the trick” he chuckles, slowly pulling out and laying down next to you.

“I wouldn’t mind doing that again,” you beam, sending him a wink, a deep blush gracing his cheeks.

“I love you, y/n”

“I love you too, Toshi”

Masterlist

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With love,

-K

#mha fanfic #yagi toshinori #toshinori yagi x reader #all might x reader #all might smut #my hero academia fanfic #mha smut #bnha toshinori #bnha fanfiction #bnha x reader

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matthew-gray-gubler-lover · 9 months

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sex with spencer reid all seasons (season 1)

If you are under the age of 18, please do not read this story. Thank you.

This will cover what I believe sex would be like with Spencer Reid from season 1 to 15. Warning contains adult situations, Sex. Dirty talk, Orgasms, Crying, Spoilers for all seasons and Spencer Reid being a sex God.

Also includes fingering and oral sex. (Female receiving only.)

These are a little bit longer than I anticipated them to be because I wanted to give a back story as to why the sex is the way that it is for each season. To give it in depth feeling of why Spencer was the way that he was in bed that season. So I will be posting them by each season rather than all at once. I hope this gives you something to look forward to, and please leave comments, I will be leaving links to the next season below.

You are a new agent at the BAU and Spencer Reid's girlfriend, the one who takes his virginity and has sex with him for all 15 seasons and beyond.

Spencer Reid knew the first time he saw you walk through the doors of the BAU that you were the one that he was going to love forever. The first time you smiled, he knew it was the only smile that he ever wanted to wake up to. The first time he touched your hand, he knew yours was the only hand he ever wanted to hold. The first time he kissed you, he knew your lips were the only ones that he ever wanted to have pressed against his own. and the first time he made love to you, he knew you were the only one he ever wanted to do this with, and he also knew he would never be the same you or his life now, his love and his only desire.

Season 1.

I believe in season one Spencer is still a virgin. I think we all know that. So his first time will be with his girlfriend, a new agent to the BAU. In season one Spencer would definitely be a little

unsure of himself and feels awkward. He's not really too comfortable with anything to do with sex other than kissing you. He invites you over to his Apartment something he's never done with

any of the other agents, but he feels a special connection with you, especially since he's been working with you for the past six months and you both fell in love at first sight. You want him so

badly and believe me he feels the same way about you. It isn't until one hot summer night when you're watching a movie with him on his couch in his living room, that a Heated make out

session leads to the main event. Spencer finally gives in to desire and makes love to you for the first time. He's still unsure about himself, but he reads so much and knows everything to do. The

first time he makes love to you, You can't believe that it's his first time. The kissing, the slow thrusts. The way that he makes you feel like you're the most special girl in the world. There's no

way this is his first time, He gives you an orgasm more powerful than you ever thought possible. One of many for that night in fact. He stops after the first one of his own and the second of

yours. When he finally has enough energy to get off of you and pull out slowly he rolls over to the side landing on his back panting. "I hope I was good" he said Pulling your tired body close to his

so that he can cuddle with you. "Are you kidding me?" You asked. "That is the best feeling I've ever had in my life", you told him with a smile.

"I'm so glad I did good. That was my biggest fear. I wasn't going to be able to satisfy you, but I guess now we know that I can", he said with a grin. After that you two were addicted to each

other And had sex three more times that night. after that night Every chance you had you'd end up in bed with Spencer, the love of your life that you know will be in your life forever. He will one

day be your husband and father of your children. But for right now, in this moment, he is the best lover you could have ever asked for.

#doctor spencer reid #dr spencer reid #spencer reid #post prison reid smut

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thatsexcpisces · 1 year

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Astrology observations pt. 8

🔅Disclaimer🔅: these are just my personal observations and things I’ve noticed and encountered, I’m not a professional astrologer!!

🧡Pluto/Mars-mercury people are likely to struggle with intrusive thoughts that could mostly be related to violence and inappropriate things done to others

🧡I feel like many Scorpio suns have a theme of “death” that stays in their life.

for example Scorpios in general may have lost a parent at a young age or suffer with the loss of family members. They may have lost a parent or even both during their teenage years due to an illness or lose people who are close to them.

🧡People with harsh mercury-ASC aspects or Virgo risings in harsh aspects can come off as “know-it-alls” or “well actually...” people

🧡Libra risings May have an obsession when it comes to collecting beauty products/self-care products or any expensive/fancy items and accessories. This is because taurus, a Venusian sign associated with luxury and indulgence, rules their 8th house of obsessive focuses and vice versa, they have Scorpio in their second house, amplifying the energy of having an attachment to material items.

🧡Aquarius moons have a closer/better relationship with their father than their mother

🧡Whenever you’re in a work or school-related environment, people are most likely to view your personality or see you as your mars sign. If you’re a Virgo/Capricorn Mars, you may have been the person in class that appears as hardworking or shy/quiet and stayed back from the crowd to do their own thing. If you’re a Leo Mars, people at work or school may see you as having a spontaneous personality or dramatic and also as someone very artistic and who likes to express themselves. Aquarius Mars can be seen as very opinionated.

🧡Gemini/Aquarius placements will make you feel like you can talk to them about the weirdest things or literally anything without feeling judged

🧡I feel like Leo and aries moons want to and always have this plan to try and hold grudges forever after they’ve been hurt because of how strongly Leo & aries moons feel their emotions, but they usually end up forgetting and hold one for max a few days until their emotions go through a different range and they focus on something else. (It depends on the situation tho because if really hurt, they can manage to hold one till death)

🧡A Sagittarius moon has such a prominent energy in someone’s birth chart. Even if the person has a stellium in another sign it’s like once they have a sag moon it takes over their whole personality. For example, someone can be a cap sun, mercury, rising, etc and you might expect them to show Capricorn traits and appear as “serious or hard working” but if they have that sag moon it’s like you’ll see then as a completely outgoing and bubbly person who’s always cracking jokes. Their humor and charisma is so contagious and it outshines everything.

🧡Aquarius placements might become certain types of doctors/scientists in a way that the job is related to using modern technology since they have the ability to be innovative

🧡mutable signs are likely to have ADHD

🧡water moons have these super vivid & intuitive dreams or usually the universe may try to send them messages or communicate with them through dreams. for example, a lot of my water moon friends tell me that they’ve had a dream of a person specifically telling them how they feel about them (my friend) and when they ask the person how they feel irl, they say the exact same thing as they said in their dream. Or whatever they dream of likely happens irl.

🧡saturn-ASC harsh aspects may come off as serious and not wanting to interact with others except people they’re close to

🧡 people with Virgo sun + libra mercury in a chart = talking absolute shit about you to others if they don’t like you but never saying it to your face (virgo is ruled by mercury and libra placements just tend to be passive aggressive in general since they’re afraid of open issues)

🧡Pisces risings are so ethereal and beautiful. even though it’s a rare rising sign to have I feel like they’re king easy to point out. It’s usually the people in the room who are always radiating warm energy and giving people hugs. They may also have a soft voice and appearance in general. Very sweet people!

🧡Capricorn mars hate when people try to automatically help them with something or do something for them without them asking for their help first

🧡Jupiter in the 11H individuals can attract friends easily or have a large friendgroup and abundance of friends

🧡I’m so jealous of how organized 6H stelliums and Virgo risings are. Yes, they might secretly not have shit under control, but they still manage to pull it off. I know a lot of people who have this and they always seem to have the perfect structured life with some sort of an organizer or to-do list and succeed in everything.

🧡I feel like no one talks about how jealous Leo moons/Venus or 5H stelliums can be. Sometimes even more than Scorpios. People with these placements are always constantly trying to be the best and everyone’s favorite, and as a result, they might try to “out-perform” and “look better” than the people around them. When they feel they are not receiving the recognition they deserve, especially from close friends and loved ones, they can spiral into unhealthy coping mechanisms. Some even get attached to people very fast and are the type to get angry and jealous easily if they see their friends and loved ones hanging out with someone else. They’re very possessive and hate feeling like they matter less compared to others. They thrive off validation so theyre the type to give you the silent treatment because you ignored them in some way.

🧡heavy Venusian placements in a chart can l be the type of people to actually ‘judge a book by its cover’. This doesn’t mean that these people don’t care to look at the inside and see the beauty, but they also do appreciate aesthetic and something that is pleasing to the eye or in a visual sense (for a very literal comparison: these are the types of people to be at a bookstore and put a book down because the cover isn’t pretty or it’s boring even if it might be a good book lol)

🧡gemini moons/risings are either super extroverted and outgoing or they barely speak and keep to themselves in social situations. There’s no in between

🧡Pluto in the 8H people might have ego issues and their ego can get in the way of making mature & responsible decisions

🧡moon in the 11H are so warm and loving towards their friends. These are the type of people who’s friends mean so much to them and they always make sure to keep their circle close and happy

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familyvideostevie · 23 days

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hey.

okay. hello! i'm back. :)

maybe you noticed, maybe not, but i have been away for a while.

i wish i could say i've been out living my life, so caught up in happiness and joy and loving each day that i've just not had time for tumblr. but....that is not true. i have been having a tough time! being away has been good, as i've had time to do other things that i like and to put energy into my own well-being, but it hasn't been the best time, I'll tell you that.

i peeked on the dash every now and then to keep my queue full and reblogged soothing things to my main blog and tried my best not to feel guilty about it all (i was also booping on April 1 lol). i just...I really needed a break. i've really enjoyed being here the last six or so months as i've changed my blog and entered the pedro/tlou space but i've also felt so, so alone.

and i know that it doesn't really matter!! like, we should all take breaks and go outside and all that stuff. and I know plenty of people are not very active, but this blog has been such a vital part of my life and happiness since I started it almost two years ago, so any lapse in activity feels like a loss. I've met lifelong friends and flexed my writing muscles and learned a hell of a lot. the fact that I have started to feel isolated and alone on here is a sort of personal betrayal, and there is no one to blame but myself.

So, I’m pulling back.

it means a few things — i don’t know how much writing I’ll be doing from now on. For Joel, especially — it’s been wonderful to meet folks in that community but it has also been really detrimental to my passion for both the game and writing. I’d like to return to some other characters on my masterlist, but we’ll see. I’ve got endless personal projects away from tumblr that I want to pour love and time into (my non-reader fics, my newsletter, a romance novel, a sci-fi novel, poetry, etc). I need to fall in love with my own work again.

it's a me problem, I want to stress that. i'm working on it! irl stuff has been kicking my ass. I've had a really, really hard winter and my mental health has suffered probably more than ever before. i let things I love -- like this blog -- fester and become negative and no longer being me joy. writing became stressful and difficult and I was focused on notes and interaction and looking around me and seeing success and then looking at myself and only seeing lack.

but that's why I took a break! i am getting help and support irl, i am putting in the time and effort to feel better about being alive and to be a better friend and person all around. And I want to tell you all about it because I am so grateful for your time and attention and support, even if we’re just strangers on the internet. i know this probably seems silly -- who cares about a fanfic blog? well, i care! i care a lot! it matters to me and therefore it matters!

anyway. on to the important stuff. here I am! and here's what's going to happen on this blog:

I am working on replying to asks and reblogs and comments I missed. Thank you for being patient with me! I don't know if I'll get to them all but know I see them and I am honored every single time.

I made a totally separate ao3 account with this blog url. I'm working on uploading everything I've posted here onto there and hopefully will continue to crosspost. It is going to take a long, long time, so please be patient! (you can follow my other ao3 here for my non x-reader fanfic).

I posted this fic! Jackson!Joel pulled me back into his world. It’s the first thing I’ve written in ages, so let me know what you think. as of now it's the last planned fic for that series, but who knows!

I hit a milestone while i was away that I am absolutely blown away by. I'm planning a celebration around it sometime this spring (hopefully) and I’d love to see you participate :)

lastly, thank you so much to my friends for letting me complain, whine, winge, etc. I am so sorry for missing all of your work, your celebrations, your bright energies, and all the rest. i am so sorry if it seemed like i was ignoring you. you are my guiding lights, my silver linings, my touchstones. you make me want to be here. i will try to make it up to you!

I want to be online less but make sure I’m connecting more in the moments that i am here. I want to pressure myself to write less and not feel bad that I’m not engaged all the time. I want this blog to once again feel like a place that nourishes me and not sucks me dry. i want to stop feeling like shit about all of it!!!!

so. come hang out in my inbox, my dms, let me know what you've been up to. I am really sorry for missing so much. thank you for sticking around. <3

#personal #this is very long but please read it maybe?#emma rambles #I will reblog it a few times probably

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tycarstairs · 3 months

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ok i need to talk about alastair for a (long) moment bc i love him.

this got a lot longer than i expected it to btw so ig it’s just for the alastair stans bc it’s basically just a character study lmao

first of all, there’s obviously this:

“I wanted you to have a childhood, a thing I never had. I wanted you to be able to love and respect your father as I never could. Every time he made a mess, who do you think had to clean it up? Who told you Father was ill or sleeping when he was drunk? Who went out and fetched him when he passed out in a gin palace and smuggled him in through the back door? Who learned at ten years old to refill the brandy bottles with water each morning so no one would notice the levels had sunk—?”

like he put so much energy into making sure cordelia could grow up loving and adoring her father in a way he was never able to. from age ten he was hiding his father’s alcoholism, even before he started at the academy.

“Alastair never acknowledging any of it, laughing it off, turning her attention in some other direction, always, so she did not dwell. So she would not have to.”

and then he got to the academy and had bullying and beatings added on top of all that.

“They … let’s just say that by the end of the first week, I had been made to understand my place in the hierarchy, and I had the bruises to remind me should I ever forget.”

like… does this excuse bullying? no, it doesn’t, but it does explain it, especially after he had taken all that for a year:

“After about a year of being knocked around,” Alastair went on, “I realized I could either become one of the bullies, or suffer for the rest of my school days.”

and as he says himself no, he didn’t beat anyone, didn’t get his hands bloody, but yes, he was a bully to save himself from the beatings.

and again, this does not excuse the bullying because of course that’s still bad. i just feel like a lot of people really fucking underestimate how much growing up with an alcoholic parent can affect you. especially when 1) you actually know about it, and 2) you’re the one who has to deal with it from age ten, and 3) they verbally attack you when they’re drunk (as we also saw when elias talked to james)

and then we get to this:

“Then you lot arrived, a bunch of boys from famous families, too well brought up to understand at first what went on far from home. Expecting the world would embrace you. That you would be treated well. As I never had been.” Alastair pushed back a lock of hair with a shaking hand. “I suppose I hated you because you were happy. Because you had each other—friends you could like and admire—and I had nothing like that. You had parents who loved each other.”

and does this excuse the way he treated them? again, no. but once again, it does explain it. alastair had dealt with so damn much since he was a kid so of course he’s gonna feel jealousy. alastair isn’t white, he’s never been able to go anywhere and expected that the world would embrace him as he put it, so that’s yet another thing he was more than likely jealous about.

and he knows what he did was wrong. he knows there’s no excuse, he knows they would all be well within their right to hate him for the rest of their lives if they wanted to, and i feel like so many people forget that?? alastair never expected to be forgiven for any of this.

and then we get to his sexuality and charles.

if i did the math right, alastair would’ve been either 16 or freshly 17 when he started dating a 23-year-old charles and to quote cc:

“it was a bad and unhealthy relationship, and i think the age gap is part of that.”

anyway, there’s one quote i’ve had in my mind ever since chog, and it’s when alastair asks charles, “If this is not what you came for, then why are you here?”

this implies that charles is only ever there for one thing. like, alastair is in love with this man and he wants to show that but charles isn’t letting him.

not to mention that charles is also dismissing alastair’s wishes:

“And I thought that you would agree to marry too.”

“That I would marry?” Alastair sprang to his feet. “I have told you over and over, Charles, even if I did not have you, I would never marry some poor woman and deceive her as to my love and regard.”

alastair having to tell charles over and over again that he’s not marrying a woman and charles still assuming that he will like… sir 🤨 he said no 🤨

anyway. then there’s to how he felt about his sexuality:

“Father’s weakness is not your weakness.”

The fire in the grate had nearly burned down. Alastair’s eyes were luminous in the dark. “I have my own weaknesses, as you well know.”

and after this when cordelia tells him that love isn’t a weakness, he responds with “isn’t it?”

like this man is comparing his own sexuality to the way his father treated him. you cannot tell me he was always okay with being gay because he so clearly was not, especially not with charles trying to keep him hidden and trying to make him marry a woman.

and after elias dies:

“I can’t mourn,” he said in a choked voice. “I cannot mourn my own father. What does that say about me?”

his relationship with his father was so ruined to the point where he couldn’t mourn him because he wasn’t able to love him in the way cordelia was, likely because he mourned his father already when he was 10.

and there’s also some of cordelia’s observations in choi:

Some months ago Cordelia had learned the emotional cost of Alastair’s interventions, the invisible scars he worked so diligently to conceal.”

the emotional costs being this:

“She knew Alastair was not always like this—she knew he could be kind, sweet, vulnerable even. She knew her father had broken his son’s heart a dozen different ways, and Alastair was doing the best he could with the pieces.”

like. elias has been breaking alastair’s heart over and over basically in every possible way since he was at least 10 so he’s really just doing what he can to stitch himself together at this point, the exact reason he put up walls.

“But it didn’t help for Alastair to behave like this, to retreat behind a cold facade as cutting as glass.

The way James retreated behind the Mask.”

alastair is basically just one big defense mechanism.

we also have thomas’ observations about alastair:

“There was only one other person Thomas had known with eyes like that. Not golden eyes, but dark, and so sad—he had always been drawn to that dichotomy, he thought, of the cruelty of Alastair’s words, and the sadness with which he said them. Sorrowful eyes and a vicious tongue. Tell me, he had always wanted to say, what broke your heart, and let such bitterness spill out?”

the answer to his question: elias.

elias broke alastair’s heart and left him to respond to everything with defense mechanisms.

alastair is such a complex character and he’s also one of my absolute favorites because of that. his relationship with his father is so realistic, and him distancing himself from everyone else because of his father is also so realistic. i just love this character with my whole heart ok

this is so long but istg i could write a whole essay about this man and ykw? maybe i will.

#putting my english degree to good use once again #when people ask me in the future ‘so what do u do with your english degree?’#i will simply say ‘i write long ass tumblr posts about my fav characters’#alastair carstairs #cordelia carstairs #elias carstairs #thomas lightwood #thomastair #the last hours #tlh #shadowhunters #chain of gold #chain of iron #chain of thorns

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lonelycowgirls · 9 months

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Scared

Hey guys! Here we are again ✨

So, this is a long, angsty piece of work that I've been drafting for quite a while. I'm not sure where my inspiration came from, but I do like to write and explore deeper aspects of relationships and life. I really hope this doesn't rub anyone up the wrong way. These things happen every day and I for one feel very lucky to live in a country that operates on a pro-choice basis, for the most part. Whatever keeps a person alive and healthy is what I think is the priority. I won't get into the politics of it all, I'm purely reflecting life and its complex feelings and emotions through art.

Nevertheless, this is a part of Stella and Harry's story - it's entirely fictional and has nothing to do with the real people. I hope you all take it that way.

I also hope you enjoy reading it.

Nel x

WARNINGS | Unwanted Pregnancy | Adult Language | Minors DNI | Lots of Angst

Word count: 6.6k

2014

“Ah sweet, Emma put out the chocolate-covered raisins I asked her for,” Harry waltzed in from his rehearsal into the canteen area set up for the band and crew. He was beaming at the buffet table spread out before them, a child-like energy still so prevalent even at the age of 20. Stella had been staring into the bowl of potato salad for God knows how long by that point. “Y’alright, babe?” He nudged her side while popping a handful of the dried fruit sweets into his mouth.

“Yeah…” Stella glanced up at him before turning away and walking over to grab a banana from the fruit bowl. She tugged at the tip of the banana, but it wouldn’t budge. Tugging harder and scoffing with frustration before slamming the banana back onto the buffet table.

She screwed her eyes shut and ran a hand over her forehead, sighing heavily. When she opened them again she saw a peeled yellow fruit under her nose. She looked up at Harry and took the banana, she swallowed through her dry throat over the nausea crawling up from her nervy tummy. He winked and popped another raisin in his mouth over a smirk.

“I’m pregnant, Harry.”

He was almost sure his heart stopped for a few moments. The smirk fell the quickest it had ever fallen - she’d likely remember his facial response forever.

“What?” He whispered. His eyes were wide in shock, his blood ran cold with a shiver up his spine. She nodded, the tears welling in her eyes for what felt like the hundredth time since she’d found out. She couldn’t believe she’d become that girl. That girl in his life. The girl to ruin his life. “You,” He shakily attempted to draw in breaths to steady his racing heart. “No, no, y-you can’t be pregnant, you’re-”

“I’m on the pill.” She spoke over him, stepping back and running a sweaty palm through her hair. “I know, trust me I know, I’ve been questioning everything for days. Apparently it’s not 100 per cent effective.”

“We- you can’t be pregnant… I’m about to go on the biggest tour of my life.” He stepped back, stumbling on his feet slightly. He brought a hand up to his forehead and she watched his fingers shake.

“I know that-” she murmured quietly, but he cut her off again. He was panicking, now.

“We can’t have a baby- fuck.” He cursed, running both hands through his fast-growing curls and tugging at the back of his head. “We’re always so careful, right?” His voice was muffled through the sleeves of his top as his face was buried in his arms.

“I mean, yeah… I guess we needed to be more careful.” She sniffled, still not looking at him. She’d expected him to feel and react this way, but it still made the whole situation that much more emotional and scary. He snapped to look at her when he heard her small sob of sorrow.

“Shit, I’m so sorry, Stell. You should’ve told me as soon as you found out.” He leaned back against the buffet table, reeving up the cream tablecloth. Emma always complained about the stains that the boys would leave on it but still refused to get any other colour.

“I knew you’d react like this, H… I was scared.” She was folded in on herself now, protecting herself from the rejection she swore was coming.

“I know… I’m sorry, I’m just shocked. I never wanted to do this to you.” Stella looked at him with that. Their eyes locked, his shiny green with her deep brown.

“You haven’t done anything bad, Harry. In theory. There are things we can do… things we have to do.” They stayed silent for a moment as Harry racked his brain through the options he knew about from sex education lessons at school.

“Won’t that hurt though?” His eyebrows were tied in the middle, concern flooding his pale face. His shoulders were sunk, he looked like a helpless little boy. Nowhere near ready to be a father. She took a careful step towards him, unable to stop herself - he needed comforting.

“I’m sure it won’t hurt nearly as much as giving birth, H.” She laughed slightly, pushing a curl over his ear.

“I’m so sorry, Stell.” A large hand came to rest on her hip, a thumb stroking back and forth.

“You don’t have to be sorry. It takes two to tango… and I was a very willing dance partner.” She winked, trying to lighten the mood. She brought her fingers to his chest, two of them tracing the cross that rested on it.

“Are you sure you’re okay with… with what you have to go through.” He spoke barely above a whisper, looking down to try and find the appropriate words but coming up empty.

“I’m a big girl, Harry.” She was telling herself as much as him.

“Yeah, I know…” He smiled slightly, somewhat proud of how mature she was and just as thankful for it, too. “Just know, one day… the time will be right. We’ll have beautiful babies, as many as you wanna push out.”

“Yeah?” She cocked her head as he smirked and another hand moved to curve around her hip. “We’ll see about that, Mr Cheaper by the Dozen.” She chuckled as he finally scooped her up into his arms, the feeling giving her an immense amount of comfort. He breathed her in, his face nuzzled in her neck as she ran her hands up and down his back. “I love you so much, I think we’re gonna be okay.” She whispered into his shoulder. Pulling away slightly to look down in her eyes, Harry kept his arms around her and smiled softly.

“I can’t believe there’s a baby in there…” He smirked, eyes getting a bit glossy. Goosebumps instantly sparked all over her body, she flinched in his arms almost as if his words had physically struck her. Regardless of how softly and sincerely he’d said them. She moved to gently push him off but he held tighter.

“No, H… it’s not a baby. Not yet.” She shook her head, blinking the tears away. She was exhausted, having been up for nearly 24 hours by that point, worrying about this exact situation. She pushed harder and stepped out of his arms, but he let his palm graze her belly as she moved away. She began slowly pacing, hands raising to rub at her eyes.

“What do you mean?” He asked, confused by her sudden return to her stressful demeanour. He frowned, still leaning back against the buffet table.

“You can’t make this what it isn’t. You’ll… you’re making it harder.” Her breath was speeding up, a shaking hand being brought up to her chest as she fought the panic and nausea. He kept his hands by his sides now, fidgeting and anxiously picking at the skin around his thumbs with his forefingers.

“I don’t understand, babe.” He stated firmly, not knowing whether she needed his comfort or her space, but desperate to figure it out. Her pacing stalled in the middle of the room. A clear divide was now put between them.

“Harry, I have to go to the doctor’s and take a pill to get rid of this… whatever you can call this thing inside me. I can’t do that with the thought that it’s anything more than a speck in my womb. Alright? So, just don’t make this what it isn’t because I… I can’t.” She brought her hands to her face again, her breath catching in her throat as the anxiety continued to heighten and spill over. Harry stayed frozen, not knowing what to do, or how to help her. This was something he’d never been prepared for, he’d never learned about abortions in school or even discussed them with his mum or sister. His dad adopted the phrase, ‘Don’t be a fool, wrap your tool’ pretty much as soon as Harry turned 16. As far as he was concerned, Stella was still carrying his baby, no matter at what stage, which was making him feel unexpected things. He knew that right now wasn’t the time and it would be irresponsible of them, but he thought that if he romanticised it a little bit, she’d still feel loved and accepted by him. Boy, was he wrong.

“We need to tell someone-” Harry offered, his eyes following her pacing feet. She came to a halt again at his words.

“No. No, we can’t tell anyone.” She motioned with her hands, emphasising how serious she was.

“Have you even told your mum?” Harry reasoned, brow furrowed. Stella told her mum everything. He was sure her mother knew more about their relationship than he probably did.

“No, she’d kill me if she found out.”

“Well, maybe you can tell Dolly?” Harry grasped at straws, he thought she might need another woman’s opinion. He’d definitely be telling Gemma at some point, he knew she’d have comforting words. Most probably after thumping him on the back of the head for being so stupid as to get his 19-year-old girlfriend up the duff in the first place.

“I don’t know, Harry. I think it’s best nobody knows, I don’t want this following me.” The pacing returned.

“Well, I’ve gotta tell my mum,” Harry said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Why?!” The pacing stopped again, she looked at him like he’d suddenly grown a second head on his shoulder.

“Because she’s my mum, Stell. She knows more than me about this stuff. She’ll know what to say.” Stella didn’t doubt that, but she couldn’t bare Anne knowing that they’d been irresponsible enough to have to get an abortion. If she was scared of what her mum would think, she couldn’t summon the thought of Anne knowing.

“And you don’t think she’s gonna be disappointed?” Harry was quiet at that, folding his arms and dropping his gaze to the floor again. “You don’t think she’ll judge us? Judge me?” Stella stepped forward on each question, a fire behind her eyes now. She almost looked wild, her eyes bloodshot from the lack of sleep and her body almost vibrating with emotion.

“You know she’s not like that. She’ll understand. Yeah, she might be a bit shocked and sad that you’re getting rid of it but-”

“Oh, I’m getting rid of it? It’s just me, yeah? It’s all me, I’m dealing with your baby but it’s none of your business.” Stella was beyond help now, spitting venom in the quiet room. He’d not seen her act this way before.

“No… no, you know that’s not what I mean,” Harry said quietly, sounding fed up now as he dragged a hand across his face in exasperation. She stared at him with wide eyes, daring him to look at her. “I don’t know how to talk to you right now.” He grumbled, holding his hands up in surrender, before swiftly moving towards the door.

“Oh, fuckin’ hell, fine, do that! Lucky you can just walk away from this while I’m left to sort it out!” Her screeching words were punctuated by him slamming the door. “Prick.”

“Hiya, baby girl! How are you guys? How’s the tour rehearsals? Tell me everything!” Dolly’s beaming face on the other end of the FaceTime was almost making Stella feel better. Almost.

“It’s… it’s good, yeah. Can get a bit boring sometimes, but it’s nice to be able to go to bed with Harry every night.” She tried to sound happy and upbeat, hoping that her big sister wouldn’t see through her.

“Oh, girl I bet it is.” Dolly’s perfectly plucked eyebrows danced with a suggestive smirk, making Stella scoff.

“Not just for that reason, Doll. We go to the hotel pools or gyms together, then we go to dinner or we get a takeaway, the takeaways are a bit shit here though, I said to H I’d kill for a-”

“Okay, what’s going on, Stell?” Dolly asked suddenly. “You’re all flappy and flustered. Your eyes are bloodshot to fuck. Tell me what’s going on.” Stella sighed, dropping her head down onto her arm, willing the tears to stay in her damn eyeballs. She was sick of crying at that point. Deep down she knew that her sister would pick up on the signs straight away, she’d subconsciously called her for this exact reason. She just thought she’d have a little more time to get her courage up.

“You’re gonna be so upset with me.” Stella sobbed, fully crying now that she actually had to say the words. Dolly’s face was full of worry, whatever this news was, she was scared to know now.

“I won’t be upset, Stell. We can get through anything, but you’ve got to tell me.” Stella tried to take deep breaths, just so she could allow the words to leave her lips. “Stella, please, just tell me.”

“I’m… fucking pregnant, Dolly.” Dolly’s face fell into shock, her hand flying up to her mouth.

“Oh my God,” her eyes instantly filled with tears. “Stell…” She awkwardly laughed in disbelief, unexpected emotions bubbling up.

“I know.” Stella shook her head, eyes shut, tears still flowing.

“Fuck, okay. It’s fine. It’s gonna be fine.” Dolly dabbed her eyes with her fingers, trying not to smudge her winged eyeliner. “You obviously can’t tell Mum.”

“This is what I said to Harry! It would go down like a fart in a lift.” Dolly laughed and Stella joined in, it felt like the first time she’d laughed for a week straight. It felt good to make light, somewhat, of a very stressful situation. “I’ve got an appointment to get an abortion on Friday morning.”

“Ah Stell, you’re gonna… deal with it?” It was telling how nobody seemed to be able to say the actual word - it was one of the reasons Stella knew she’d be judged.

“I can’t have a baby right now, Dolly. Harry’s 20 years old. He’s having the time of his bloody life.” Stella blew out a soggy breath through her pouting lips, sniffing over the tail end of her tears.

“What about you?” Dolly asked, the conversation pausing for a moment. “I’m hearing a lot about Harry and not a lot about Stella.” Dolly rest her head on a fist as she looked in the camera lens.

“I… I can’t have a baby.” Stella’s hand absentmindedly landed on her lower belly, running her palm along the material of her t-shirt. “I’m not ready… there’re things I want to do. Things I want to accomplish. I especially can’t have Harry Styles’s baby. Can you imagine? I don’t want to be just his baby mama.” Stella anxiously cringed inwardly at the potential headlines. “The girl chasing for child support… the girl waiting at home looking after the kids while he’s off seeing the world… the girl left behind…” she whispered, trailing off with her eyes focused on the lamp on the bedside table.

“I get that. You’re gonna be more than that, of course, you are.” Dolly smiled over fresh tears welling up for her baby sister. When Harry first became famous, everyone was so excited, Dolly remembered it like it was yesterday. She’d watched Stella enjoy it, for a while. Recently she’d watched her struggle with it, watched her fade into the background. She’d never been truly accepted into his new lifestyle. By the people who were begging to be around him, or by his fans - everyone knew why, including Stella. But Dolly also knew she was in love with Harry, had been for years, and she wanted her sister to be happy. So she vowed she’d always be there to pick up the pieces when it all started to fall apart. “I wish I could come and be with you but I’m knee-deep at fashion week.”

“No, I know, of course, I understand. I’ll be fine.” Stella spoke sadly, as much as she secretly hoped someone in her family would be able to come and support her, she’d never want any of them to drop everything, for this of all things.

“Is Harry going with you?” Dolly questioned, casually.

“He can’t, he’s got rehearsals,” Stella mumbled, picking at a nail.

“Oh, for God’s sake, surely they’d understand-”

“Well no, because we can’t tell anyone.”

“Can’t you just say you’ve got an important doctor's appointment?”

“Isn’t it a bit obvious if we say we both need to go?”

“Well, maybe… but it’s not fair for you to have to deal with it all on your own. It’s scary.” Stella’s belly flipped again at the thought of the abortion, but she knew she could do it. It wasn’t an ideal situation, but she would be fine. She had to be.

“It is a little. But it’s supposed to be not too bad, I Googled it and apparently, the worst of the pain is over in a few hours, so I’ll be back at the hotel and in bed for the bad bits.”

“Okay,” Dolly didn’t sound as convinced. “What’s he thinking anyway, is he freaking out?”

“He’s… I haven’t seen him since he walked out on me yesterday.”

“What?!” Dolly sat up straight in her chair at this revelation. Her eyes bulged behind her glasses. “He walked out on you? Surely fucking not.”

“We had an argument and he walked out. Slammed the door and everything. I do kind of get it to be fair, I’ve basically given him the worst news imaginable.” Stella looked up at the lamp on the bedside table again. “I almost didn’t tell him because I thought he’d dump me.”

“Aw Stell, I don’t think he’s like that is he? He’d be an idiot to throw away three years together and he’d be a dick for doing it over a pregnancy scare, especially.” Dolly’s face was as serious as her tone. “I know I’d never forgive him.”

“Well, it’s not looking good now anyway. He’s off sulking somewhere.” Stella rolled her eyes. “I’ve gotta go, I’m knackered and just wanna sleep. I’ll text you.”

“Okay, sis. Look after yourself. Speak soon, keep me in the loop. I love you!”

“Love you, too,” Stella replied, sighing as she flopped back against the plush hotel pillows and dropped her phone onto the bedside table. She was too angry to text Harry first or to ask anyone where he was either. None of the boys knew what was going on so they hadn’t bothered her, which she took as a win. She glanced around the room, Harry’s suitcase lay open in front of the dressing table, the contents spilling out in a mess onto the floor, as usual. Was he still wearing the same pants from yesterday? How had he brushed his teeth? She wondered to herself but then reasoned that he could literally just ask Carrie, the tour manager, to get him anything he needed. He didn’t need her. He didn’t need anyone, really.

A heavy knock on the door shook Stella out of her thoughts with a firm jolt to her body. She sighed, tossing the duvet from her body and dragging her feet towards the direction of the sound. Forgoing the peephole, she cracked the door open, peering through. There Harry stood, in the same clothes he’d been in since the day before. In his arms was a huge brown paper bag, emblazoned with the familiar golden yellow arches they’d become way too accustomed to since landing in the US. Glancing down further, her eyes caught on the fluffy pink slippers that adorned his feet. She smirked at them before quickly covering by folding her lips into her mouth and narrowing her eyes at his face.

“You think a Maccy’s is gonna fix this?”

“We’re not broken, baby.” He said with his own smirk and a shake of his head. His eyes widened, “Sorry, poor choice of words.”

Stella rolled her eyes and opened the door fully, stepping to the side so he could waltz into their hotel room. Just watching him cross the threshold had her body sagging with contentedness. She’d been tensely on edge for far longer than what would be considered a healthy amount for a 19-year-old. But for a 19-year-old pregnant girlfriend of a boyband member? That scale may be marked differently.

“Where’d you get the slippers?” She said to the back of his head.

“Got fed up of my boots, so Lou let me borrow these of hers,” Harry mumbled, dropping the paper bag onto the dressing table before collapsing back on the bed with a huff and a deep sigh. She looked at him, sprawled out on the white duvet, his lanky legs hanging off the edge, arms splayed out either side of him, eyes shut, lips parted. Stella thought back to her conversation with Dolly and felt anger flow through her veins again. Moving to the sofa against the wall of their suite, she picked up a throw pillow before launching it at Harry’s head. He huffed in surprise, not able to get a word in before she did.

“You don’t get to come back in here like nothing’s changed, Harry.” She said, getting upset all over again. Harry clutched the pillow to his stomach, coming up to a sitting position. “You left me yesterday not knowing if you’d ever come back.”

“Obviously I was gonna come back, I just needed space, Stell.”

“Yeah? Well, I needed you.” Harry was silent, his mouth hung open, catching flies. “Why do I have to be the strong one? When you didn’t come to bed, I didn’t know whether it was over or not yesterday… thought I might even have Carrie coming up here telling me to pack my stuff because we were done.”

“Stella, I’d never do that to you. I… I can’t believe you’d even think I would end things like that.” He frowned hard, hand coming up to his chest. “Do you really think that’s who I am?”

“I don’t know, Harry. This is the point!” She threw her arms in the air. “You left me in the unknown.” They came back down to slap her hotel robe-covered sides. “That’s what fucking hurts.” She pointed to her heart as her voice faltered.

“Stella, you were laying into me, I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know what else to say!” Harry’s chest was heaving slightly, panic and anger mixing and rising. “Everything I say to you lately is wrong.”

“Don’t make me out to be some sort of psycho, Harry. I’m going through a lot right now.”

“Ugh, God there you go again!” He tossed the cushion back onto the sofa it came from, getting up to move away from her, arms flying in exasperation. He took a deep breath to try and calm himself before turning back with his hands on his hips. “I’m not trying to make you out as anything, I’m literally just trying to talk to you… I don’t know what to do to help you.”

“No, you don’t.” Stella laughed humourlessly, she looked down at her fidgeting feet. Her arms came to surround her tired torso. “I’ve had enough… let’s just get ready for bed.” Harry ran a hand over his face and moved towards his open suitcase, starting to unbutton his jeans. Stella wandered over to the ensuite to brush her teeth, speaking before she closed the door, “I think you should get the sofa bed out.”

Stella had been tossing and turning for over an hour, occasionally shifting up to glance at Harry on the sofa bed. He was on his side, a long leg thrown over the top of the spare blanket they’d found in the wardrobe. He always slept like a brick, no matter where he was forced to lay his head.

Dropping her head back onto the pillow, she wondered if they’d make it through this one. She didn’t want to lose what they had but she was too proud to accept the way he’d behaved about this whole situation. They were only young but their lives together would bring so much more turbulence and she didn’t want to have to be the one to guide him through it all the time, while he pranced about with everyone thinking he was perfection personified.

She knew what people said about him, how they talked about him, the words they used. They idolised him. They couldn’t understand why he’d chosen her. Of all the options he had. She’d mostly gotten over the insecurity of their younger years together, but every so often, it would start to swim around her head again and make her doubt herself again. And doubt them as a partnership.

She wanted to respond to people who pointed out her seemingly endless list of flaws and say, ‘Hey, he’s got plenty, too.’ Not that they’d believe her. He was still a man at the end of the day. And men did stupid shit. Like, walk out on their pregnant girlfriends for a day and a half, while they’re away from home and she’s about to get an abortion.

“Hey,” Stella jolted awake, she must have dozed off in her thoughts. Harry’s voice was soft and gentle, his light strokes on her back were even more so. She made no move to turn over, just nudged her head slightly to signal she was listening. “I can’t completely get out of rehearsals… but I’ll make sure I’m here when you get back. Okay? I’ll make sure of it, I’ll make some sort of excuse and I’ll be here.”

Harry watched her breathing, biting his bottom lip when she still didn’t move. “This is all my fault…” His voice wobbled over the words, making Stella’s heart sink. She finally rolled over to see him leaning over the bed on his arms, fists digging into the mattress. Leaning up on her elbow, she brought a hand to his cheek, she stroked with her thumb and shook her head.

“It’s not all your fault, Harry. It’s not.” Her hand slid down to his neck and to his bare shoulder, giving him a subtle pull to signal his welcome into the bed beside her. He quickly obliged before she could change her mind, pulling the duvet up to his chin, almost swallowing her head up completely in the heavy covering. “We’ve both just… made mistakes. It’ll all be over soon.” Her voice held a melancholy that encapsulated their complicated scenario completely. The sadness of the loss, the anguish of the toll it was taking on their relationship, the relief that there was a safe solution available to them.

“I should be comforting you, I don’t know why I couldn’t do that. I think, I just…” Harry’s eyes were cast down in thought. He really didn’t know why he reacted the way he did. He surely wasn’t proud of it, but he had to do it. Something inside him told him to run away for a bit until he could think straight.

“We’re scared, H. We’re just kids still, this is heavy… we’re working it all out.” She fiddled with the lining of the pillowcase that was under his head.

“I don’t wanna lose you.” His voice was so quiet, dripping with sincerity. His hand itched to touch her, to grab her and pull her close, just to emphasise how much he meant it. But he didn’t want to overstep his welcome. “I hate when you’re angry with me.”

“Stop making me angry then.” Stella teased, her eyes flicking up for a second with a smirk before looking at her fiddling fingers again. Harry chuckled lightly.

“I’ll try.” Stella bit her lip, looking at his dark silhouette again, with hooded eyes begging her for sleep. She leaned forward to press a tiny peck to his lips, his arm secured her to him to place a successful three more to hers. She then turned in his hold for a few minutes, him hugging her so tight, their bodies slotting together naturally. She rested there for a few minutes, before nudging herself free to shift across the bed and snuggle down into her own side. Harry’s heart ached as he stared at the back of her head, so close but still so far. But he knew he needed to put his own feelings second, at least for now. He needed to take her lead on this one and respect her boundaries. Besides, she’d never steered him wrong thus far.

Stepping out of the back emergency exit of the family planning clinic, Paul, one of the band’s bodyguards and one of Harry’s closest friends and confidants, guided her to the haven of the tinted windowed vehicle waiting for her in the car park. The whole thing had felt like a Mission Impossible movie, except Stella was more of an Austin Powers than an Ethan Hunt. She had her most oversized cardigan on, along with Harry’s biggest, darkest sunglasses and one of Niall’s caps, hood up. She’d signed into the clinic with a pre-arranged dummy name that was called out into the waiting room. Luckily, there were only three other people waiting to be seen and they all looked too caught up in their own lives to care about her presence. Which made a really nice change. She’d almost forgotten the concept of people not giving a shit about her or what she was wearing or how she acted.

She was sure she wouldn’t be able to describe the way her body felt if she tried. The phrase ‘emotionally drained’ could never be more appropriately used. Harry had kept her up half the night with his tossing and turning and the other half she’d kept herself up with her own tossing and turning. Which was out of character for him, but he was so worried that she would be papped - or worse still, spotted by fans - that he was moving like a man possessed.

Halfway through the struggle of the night, she’d decided it best to try and calm him by drawing patterns on his bare back. Running her nails up and down, side to side and in circular shapes, softly letting her fingertips glide on their journey. She did it often because she knew he loved it, that night she felt he needed it. It calmed her too, feeling his warm, smooth skin on hers. Once she began hearing his quick breaths slow to a relaxed pace and then finally to a soft snore, she stopped and turned over as slow as she could so as not to disturb him again, falling asleep at last, but for an hour at most. When she woke up with a jolt, his side was empty, sheets crumpled and unmade as usual.

As Paul began to drive she took a deep breath, took her cap and glasses off and willed herself to feel something. To feel something for what she’d just done, but she didn’t. She’d done her best to block out the intrusive thoughts of believing that she was a murderer, purely to stay sane through all of this. But now she felt like a cold heartless monster, almost like she’d gone the completely opposite way. No one would ever know what she’d done, but she always would. Dolly always would. Harry always would. Now, Paul always would. She trusted Harry as much as he trusted her; as much as to not force her into signing an NDA. So she knew he’d never tell a soul, should things not work out between them in the end. But they were forever changed from this moment, well, from the moment she’d watched the little red lines show up on that plastic stick.

Don’t feel guilty, don’t feel guilty, don’t feel guilty, don’t-

“Ya alright there, sugar?” She jumped slightly at Paul’s deep Irish voice piping up from the front. She met his eyes in the rearview mirror and noted the kindness in the blue, he wasn’t judging her, she could sense that. All he wanted was for her to be okay. She nodded wordlessly, pulling her cardigan sleeves over her fingers and leaning to look out of the window again.

Paul scanned her card for her and allowed her to step through the hotel room door, which she allowed after multiple attempts at telling him that she could do it herself fell on deaf ears. He carried her handbag, too.

Harry jumped up from where he’d been led back on the bed, an arm propping his head up and his phone in hand, mindlessly scrolling as he tried not to lose his mind overthinking that his girlfriend might die from a noninvasive, tried and tested medical procedure. He’d been on the phone to Gemma since he’d gotten back to the room after telling the boys and the crew that he had a migraine. He couldn’t stop himself, he wanted to know what he needed to do to help Stella when she returned from her treatment. He felt a bit guilty about going against her wishes of not telling anyone, but he was unaware that Stella had already told Dolly.

He stopped a few feet in front of her, fidgeting from one foot to the other, fiddling with the side hems on his jeans. She looked so small and defeated. She smiled at him softly, trying to show gratitude that he was there, just like he’d promised he would be. Paul nodded once at Harry before handing Stella her bag and squeezing her shoulder, throwing a final salute before letting the door shut with a soft click.

“Well, it’s done,” Stella said, dropping her bag onto the sofa and perching herself on the end of the bed to slide her trainers off. Harry stayed put, watching her.

“How do you feel? Does it hurt yet?” He kept his voice gentle like he was approaching a wounded deer.

“No, I feel fine at the moment, only happened about an hour ago though and the doc said I should expect some pain around the two to four-hour mark.” Once both shoes were off, she stayed still, only fiddling with the threads pulling from her cardigan.

“Okay.” They sat in silence for a minute or two, before Harry finally worked himself up to move to a crouch in front of where she sat. He cupped her slightly chubby cheek, her eyes stayed downcast, lashes fluttering. His thumb stroked under her puffy eye and she brought her hand up to wrap her fingers around his wrist. “I’m really proud of you, Stell. You’re so brave, much braver than me.” She still didn’t look at him, her bottom lip tucking inwards as she shook her head slightly.

“I feel nothing, Harry.” She voiced, barely above a crackled whisper. “Why don’t I feel anything?” He frowned, shaking his head.

“I don’t know, babe. You said the doctors mentioned it would take a few hours to-”

“No, I mean I don’t feel anything.” Her words were juxtaposed with the lone tear that began to trail down her face.

“Oh. That’s alright, you’re not a bad person if that’s what you’re thinking… you did what was right for you… and for us.” He tried not to make it about him again, he knew she definitely didn’t need that. “Like you said, it wasn’t really a baby, it was just a pocket of cells in your uterus.”

Stella huffed out a laugh, “You been Googling?”

“Nah, Gem told me.” Harry laughed softly, eyes flashing with realisation when Stella flinched, eyes finally meeting his. “Shit.” Stella couldn’t even find the energy to argue, she just rolled her eyes and moved her head to the side to press a kiss to his palm and his wrist that she still had hold of on her face.

“Don’t worry about it, H. I suppose it was harsh of me to say you couldn’t tell your family.” She knew she hadn’t handled this very well. Inside, she was grateful that he’d talked it out with someone. “What else did she say?” He stood up straight, both his knees clicking on the way. She puffed out another laugh as he stretched out exaggeratedly like an old man.

“She said,” He held out his hand to help her up. “That I should take care of you. That I should rub your belly, if you’d like that?” Stella nodded. He led her up the bed by the hand, flipping the duvet over. He slid her cardigan off her shoulders, before flicking his head up and running his hands up her arms as she lifted them over her head. He then pulled her t-shirt off, leaving her in just her soft lounging bra. “She said that I should get you your favourite food, which is gonna be hard to do since you like Cadburys chocolate and roast dinners and we’re in America.” He flicked her nose with his finger and she swatted at him. Stella giggled along anyway, brushing a hand through his curls as he bent to pull her leggings down her legs. Once both of her feet were free, he pressed kisses back over her tummy, the tops of her breasts and her neck, as he made his way back up to stand. He bent to wrap his arms around her waist and bury his face in her neck, hugging her close. She, in turn, wound her arms around his neck, scratching his nape and inhaling his scent. He pulled back and turned her so she could climb into the bed.

Once the covers were over her, he jogged in small steps back round the bed, getting his t-shirt and jeans off in quick succession, something she knew him to do regularly, but in different circumstances. He slid into the bed and faced her, breathing a sigh of relief when she shuffled closer to him and tangled her legs with his. “Then she said,” he murmured, low and slow, tucking hair behind Stella’s ear. “To tell you how much I love you and that I support you.” He brought her closer still, trailing his fingers up and down the curve of her waist. “I’m sorry I was a dick.” He whispered.

“She told you to say that, too?”

“Nah, that one was all me.”

“Harry?”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t know when I’ll be… okay, again.” She looked down again, not meeting his eyes. His brows pulled in.

“That’s alright, Stell.”

“I mean… in a lot of ways.” She whispered, wanting him to get the message without her having to say it out loud. “Specifically… in that way.” She looked in his eyes briefly to solidify her point.

“Stella, you’ve just had an abortion, I’m not a horny monster.” To be truthful, both of them were feeling a little bit of PTSD from the experience, they needed to live a bit more of a wholesome lifestyle for a while. “Don’t worry about all that. We’ll just worry about what’s up here for a while,” He tapped her temple with his finger. “Instead of what’s down there.” She smiled, so relieved that he was being so understanding and mature. “Plus, distance makes the heart grow fonder. Once you’re ready to go, it’s gonna go OFF.” She knew it was too good to be true. He was still a 20-year-old man, she supposed. It still didn’t fail to make her a little excited, deep inside.

“You’re so good.” She said, playing with the ends of his hair that just kept getting longer.

“You are.” He responded, rubbing his nose with hers.

“Yeah… we’re good.”

If you'd like to read other pieces from this universe click here.

#harry styles #harry styles writing #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fic rec #harry styles angst #harry styles blurb #harry styles imagine #harry styles one shot #harry styles fic #harry styles fluff #harry styles x oc #harry styles concept #starry <3 #btaa

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zablife · 2 years

Text

Tommy Kisses Your Head and Tugs at Your Clothes to Keep You Close

Part of my Corrupt a Wish challenge.

Request: Kiss to the side of the head and Tugging at the other's clothes to keep them close. Requested by @cillmequick.

Warnings: mention of illness, addiction, Corrupt a wish reminder: If you think this story has a happy ending, you haven't been paying attention. Proceed with caution.

When you heard the sound of Ada’s voice downstairs you nearly cried in relief. You couldn't remember the last time she visited Arrow House and you missed her company. You scrambled down the steps in bare feet to greet her, but your legs nearly gave out at the landing. You stopped to rest your hand on the banister to catch your breath, feeling dizzy with the effort it took to move the short distance. You contemplated the frightening weakness in your body which was only getting worse by the day.

Finally, you made your way to the front hall. “Y/n!” Ada called out happily. You gave a small wave from where you stood, hoping she wouldn't notice your lack of energy. However, she had already guessed something was amiss when you hadn't returned her phone calls. It had been weeks since you last saw one another or any of the family for that matter. You'd barely even seen your own children. Tommy had kept everyone away so you could rest. The doctor had advised it and Tommy took that instruction very seriously.

Soon Ada began flooding you with questions and you found it difficult to clear the fog from your mind after the long period of disuse. The only thing you comprehended was her final question. “Do you know if Tommy's made a decision about the Boston acquisition?” she asked. Your ears were still buzzing with static and you could only stare at her blankly, unaware of the business being conducted during your absence.

“Y/n? Are you listening?” she said, cocking her head to look at you curiously. Your once rosy complexion had turned ashen and your eyes were glassy. She tried to convince herself that you were still the same woman, but an alarm was sounding in her brain that she couldn’t silence as she attempted to make polite conversation.

Finally Ada moved closer to study you more carefully, deciding she had to say something about your frail appearance. “Are you eating properly? You look so thin,” she said, voice laced with concern.

"It's a special diet for my health, you see..."

Just then Tommy appeared on the stairs and cleared his throat to announce his presence. “Ada, I thought we said we’d meet at the office today,” he said, sounding thoroughly irritated by her impromptu visit.

“Nice to see you too, Tommy,” she quipped with a roll of her eyes. “I’ve just been catching up with y/n. It’s been ages,” she explained.

“Well, there’s good reason for that,” Tommy said coming to stand by your side protectively. “We didn’t want to upset the family, but y/n’s been unwell these past weeks. Haven’t you, darling?” he said turning to catch your eye. You nodded in agreement, looking down at the floor. Something in his tone made it sound as though he were disappointed in you. Your head began to throb as you considered it, hoping you hadn't become a burden to him.

“Have you seen a doctor?” Ada questioned.

Before you could answer, Tommy snaked an arm around your waist and squeezed your hip as he replied with a tight smile, “There’s no need to worry, Ada. Dr. Bradford is treating her.” He pressed a tender kiss to the side of your head as Ada persisted in her inquiries.

“Is there anything I can do?” she asked helpfully. You looked up at her feeling your heart swell. She was always there for you in times of need and you smiled at her appreciatively.

Tommy’s head snapped back to meet her gaze. “You can leave and let her rest. What we have to discuss can wait,” he snapped.

Noting the tension in the room, Ada furrowed her brow and conceded, “Of course, I'll go.” Reaching out a hand toward you, she squeezed gently adding, “Feel better soon, love.”

As Ada gathered her purse and business papers, Tommy noticed you shiver and helped you close the collar of your dressing gown firmly. Tugging you toward him, he brushed the hair from your sweat dampened forehead and whispered, “Let’s get you back to bed, eh? It's time for another dose of your tonic.”

You rested your head against his chest, feeling a deep ache setting in again throughout your entire body. "I don't think it's working, Tom. Why isn't the medicine making me better?" you worried aloud.

"Give it time, love," he lovingly reassured as he gently guided you up the stairs toward your room. Ada took one last look at you as you slowly ascended, wondering what could have made a healthy woman like you so ill.

Shaking her head as she exited the house, she heard a voice hiss at her from the shadows. “Mrs. Thorne! Mrs. Thorne, please wait!”

Ada stopped, heels crunching in the gravel as she spun around to see who was speaking. Frances rushed to her side and grabbed Ada’s arm, pulling her in close to whisper, “Please, you have to help!”

Ada looked at her quizzically, not understanding what the maid was asking of her. “Frances, why? My brother has a doctor tending to y/n. It’s well in hand,” she said calmly trying to break free of the woman’s grasp, but Frances continued with even more urgency.

“Mr. Shelby has everyone, including his own wife, convinced she's ill, but I think it's that tonic Dr. Bradford brings. I don't know what's in it... poison, morphine? I know he makes it worse by starving her, only allowing her broth." She gulped harshly, as she added, "She has what little strength she does because I sneak her crusts of bread."

"Frances, that's absurd. Why would Tommy do such a thing?" Ada asked.

"He's got a mistress in America. I overheard him tell the doctor. He's taking the children with him to Boston after the funeral," she explained with pain in her voice. Ada gasped, covering her mouth with her hand.

Frances glanced over her shoulder nervously to be sure no one was listening before turning back to Ada with tears in her eyes. In a quivering voice she added a chilling warning, “Make no mistake, they intend to kill her.”

#zablife corrupt a wish #Peaky Blinders fanfic #Peaky Blinders imagine #Tommy shelby fanfic #Tommy shelby imagine #Tommy shelby x reader #Tommy shelby x y/n #Tommy Shelby x you #dark!Tommy

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yellobb · 6 months

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✨WIP Wednesday✨

Hello lovely people! It’s been a metric age since I posted one of these, but I wanted to show some appreciation to the people who still tag me every week. Y’all are the best ❤️❤️❤️

@shrekgogurt @martsonmars @aristocratic-otter @thewholelemon @bazzybelle @hushed-chorus @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @ileadacharmedlife

Anyway, I don’t have actual content to post because all I’ve been working on fandom-wise has been Inktober. However, last week someone (I can’t remember who 😭) did a personal WIP Wednesday and I’m totally stealing that, because WOW has it been a wild few months.

I think most of the people who are going to see this post already know most of this, but I’ve officially graduated college (thank fucking god), started my first full-time job, and moved halfway across the United States. It’s a lot of transition stuff, but surprisingly? I’ve actually been doing really well with it.

This past month I’ve treated myself like a work in progress, and man have I improved. I’m taking my meds every day without external pressure for the first time and the meds I’m taking actually work. I’ve been waking up at a reasonable human being time, I haven’t missed a day of work, and I’m actually learning to cook for myself. I’m also working on getting my place organized and decorated, and I’m honestly in love with it so far :) Here’s some pictures!

One of the things I’m really working on right now (and the thing that’s probably the most relevant to y’all) is actually interacting with others. I’ve made a concerted effort to hang out with someone irl one day every weekend.

This may not seem like much, but for me to make it through a full week of waking up and going to work and doing my chores (semi) regularly and still make an effort to see people on the weekend instead of just huddling in my room? It’s huge! But it’s also kind of exhausting because my body just isn’t used to that anymore. I’m used to laying in bed 24/7, so I need a LOT of recovery time in between.

This has had the side effect of not having any energy to really engage with my online friends. My social battery just runs out so quickly right now, but I’m really optimistic. I wanna start engaging in the server again because I miss you guys so much. I’ve kind of held myself back for a while because I know I can’t commit to fully being on the server like I used to right now, but I’m going to try to drop in here and there when I have the energy :)

Anyway, kudos to you if you’ve read this far :P I just wanted to give a little update on how things were going and why I haven’t been around as much. Appreciate you all ❤️❤️❤️

No pressure tags: @facewithoutheart @fwisti @artsyunderstudy @agni-ashes @ivelovedhimthroughworse @ic3-que3n @rimeswithpurple @onepintobean @raenestee @gekkoinapeartree @aroace-genderfluid-sheep @brilla-brilla-estrellita

#m rambles #wip Wednesday #tbh might go grab my headphones and log onto edp while I doodle :P #it’s been a really long time

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whomadewaffles · 2 months

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Some pjhazel incorrect quotes I've been saving for awhile...I feel like with how starved for content shippers of these two are right now, keeping these to myself would be a crime. I'm SO sorry for not citing sources. I wasn’t originally planning to post these, and finding them retroactively is like.. impossible.

Pjhazel is the focus, but others are included as side characters. So if you don't ship them, then just scroll on by and go about your day, please!

Also, for a heads up that will apply to all 3 parts: expect bad language and sex references cos obviously.

Oh, and this is part 1 of 3, even if it is the longest part

Long post under the cut!

_______

Josie: You slept with Hazel? OUR Hazel? Callahan??

Pj: I didn't know what else to do! She had those big, sad eyes. I couldn't help it.

Josie: ...sure, sounds like you had no other choice.

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Pj: I love saying 'fuck me' because it can either be sexual or sarcastic and those are two things that describe me perfectly.

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Hazel, jumping out of pj's closet: BOO!

Pj:

Hazel:

Pj:

Hazel: *makes the patented Hazel callahan sad face*

Pj: Ahh! Oh my god! You scared me!

------

Hazel: TERRIBLE NEWS!

Pj: Did you disarm the bomb?

Hazel: If I disarmed it, would I come running in here and shout, TERRIBLE NEWS!?

------

Pj: hazel, you are such a nerdy little dork, you can't pull any girl.

Hazel * has been crushing on her since they met*: okay. that's fine.

*2 years later*

Hazel: so what did you say? Repeat that again.

Pj: 🤡

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Pj: It has come to my attention, that I have some unresolved feelings or resentment toward my father.

Therapist: a little late, but I’m happy you’ve taken this first step. Now you can start looking to overcome that.

Pj: Already done. I’ve found a full proof solution…I’m going to ignore it. Completely and utterly.

Pj: just like my dad did me.

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Pj: the secret to being impulsive successfully is being faster than the consequences of your actions. you can't let them catch you or its all over

Annie: is that why everytime Hazel even looks at you since you kissed her you run away like a little bitch?

-------

Pj *trying everything she can to kiss hazel again without just admitting she likes her like a normal healthy person*: Hey, are you aware that kissing reduces stress?

Hazel: Okay.

Pj:

Hazel:

Pj: Hey, you look stressed. Like, really stressed. Just wanted to let you know.

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Hazel: It’s not that I don’t trust pj, I just... don’t trust her impulse control

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Hazel: None of you might remember this, but there was a time when PJ considered herself out of my league.

Hazel: Oh, how the mighty have fallen (into my arms)

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Hazel *trying to teach her girlfriend how to take better notes in class*: to make it easier, you should always highlight the important things

*later*

Annie: Hazel, why are you covered in different colored highlighter?

Hazel: don't ask

Pj: she's important! okay!?

-------

Hazel: I'm freaking out, How do I make our first date really romantic?

Stella-Rebecca: Be mysterious.

Hazel: Okay!

*later, while on a date with pj*

Pj: So where are we going?

Hazel: None of your fucking business.

Pj *is shocked and a little turned on* 😳

-------

Pj: Yeah, I lost the ability to give a shit at a very young age. It was a very tragic accident. Never recovered

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Pj: *on the phone with josie* I can’t talk right now, I’m doing hot girl shit.

Josie: You’re pulling Oreos apart and shaving off the frosting to make a mega Oreo, aren’t you?

Pj: Maybe.

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Pj: I love you.

Hazel: I thought I annoyed you?

Pj: You do annoy me. You annoy me more than I ever thought possible, but I want to spend every irritating moment with you.

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Pj: Im tired

Hazel: You should come to the gym with me! We could make it a date and exercising gives you energy!

Pj: Yeah, the same energy you need to go to the gym

Pj: Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

------

Pj *texting*: I'm showering

Hazel *texting back*: oh nice, send a pic of you're hair in a giant spike lmao!

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Pj: rest assured, rational me and impulsive me are having a fucking smackdown 24/7 100% of the time

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Hazel: Please, this is the 4th time its happened, I'm begging you go to a doctor.

Pj: I'm sorry is this OUR broken nose? Stay out of it.

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Pj: I asked Hazel out.

Britney: Oh, I’m sorry.

Pj: Why?

Brittney: Well, I assume she said no.

Pj: No, she said yes.

Brittney: Really? Then I’m sorry for her.

-------

Pj: Shout out to my girlfriend who just randomly decided to eat my chapstick.

Hazel: WHY WOULD THEY MAKE IT COTTON-CANDY FLAVORED IF IT WASN'T MEANT TO BE EATEN?!

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Pj: You're annoying.

Hazel *in her head*: Enemies to lovers, slowburn, angst with happy ending, 300k+ words

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Pj: I win

Hazel: I am literally pinning you down

Pj: I know

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Hazel: So sorry for making you fall in love with me because of my autistic swag and kissable lips.

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Pj: *Drinking a bottle of water*

Josie: Since when do you carry water? I've known you my whole life and you never do that.

Pj: Hazel freaked out ‘cause I told her I never drink water

Pj: Now she’s making me drink 8 glasses a day

Pj: It’s like, there’s water in soda, coffee, the little pools of water on pizza…

Isabel: …That’s grease

Pj: Well it’s wet isn’t it!

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Hazel: You're in love with me?

Pj: Unless you're not in love with me. Then I take it back, because, you know... I'm cool.

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Pj: You are an absolute fucking dork.

Hazel *singing*: Yeah, but I'm your dork!

Pj *happy sigh*: Yeah, you're my dork.

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Pj: I'm a very good liar.

Josie: Yesterday, I asked if you were missing hazel while she was gone, and you said "no" right before bursting into tears.

--------

#pjhazel #bottoms 2023 #pj bottoms #hazel callahan #incorrect quotes #hope you enjoy and hope this feels in-character for them!#us pjhazel shippers are starving so gotta help how I can!#part 2 will be posted tomorrow in the afternoon hopefully

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chronicillnessfromateensmind · 2 months

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i don’t know how to describe what the past few weeks of my life have been like. i don’t know if it’s physically possible to put into words just how much i’ve been dealing with.

i’ve been in a terrible flare since the weekend before my birthday. and i feel betrayed.

i feel betrayed by the american medical system, by the lack of compassion i’ve witnessed first hand. and while i’m no stranger to the judgment and gaslighting that’s in the medical community, seeing as i fought for two years for my pain and voice to be taken seriously before i got my amps diagnosis. i fought and fought, went to doctor after doctor, pleaded and begged, and only until something horrific happened to me did they take what i had to say seriously. and i don’t know if it’s the humanity in me or the hope that resides deep inside of me that thought this time would be different, that the doctors would take me seriously, that they would put in the effort or at least give me options on where to go or what to do to help me. but once again i was proven wrong.

i feel betrayed because i know that i can’t live a healthy lifestyle right now, i physically can’t do the things people my age can. and it’s frustrating and devastating because i know somethings not right with me, and i’m pretty sure i know what it is just through my own personal research and communities i’ve found during all of this, but everytime i go to my primary doctor she writes me off. in fact i was in such severe pain i screamed my head off the night prior, was convinced one of my collar bones had gone out of place, and was terrified. but when i showed up the the pediatrician she didn’t even look me in my eye, gave me the fastest work up ever before dismissing my concerns, and telling me and my mom that i should visit a pain clinic place that is a deep rooted sense of trauma for me. for they prescribed me so many medications that messed with my head and gave me horrific side effects. she also told my mom i should see a psychiatrist. basically saying idk what the deal with you is you’re probably just crazy.

the problems i’m dealing with, subluxations, joint pain, rashes, welts on my skin, gi issues, and a lot more i don’t feel the energy to share right now, aren’t symptoms a psychiatrist can help. i’m not crazy. i’m not insane. i’m not making this up. you can watch my collar bone move back into place after it subluxated. you can see the welt on my skin appear after i rub it. you can see the blood pooling happening in my feet and hands everytime i sit down or stand up. i’m exhausted and while my flare is calming down, i’m drained. and it’s disappointing that no doctor cares.

following the visits with my pediatrician, i was in such pain from the car ride and the movement that i was in hysterics that night. the pain in my collar bones and shoulder and neck were unbearable. it felt like my spine wasn’t being held properly together, it felt unstable, if felt terrible. i almost collapsed in the kitchen as i was in so much pain as i screamed and begged for any kind of relief. the next morning we went to the emergency room just to make sure everything was in the right place. and thankfully it was, but the er wasn’t really helpful other than that. they gave me some meds that made me sleepy and that helped distract my mind from the pain, but that was it.

we also reached out again to the cardiologist that’s been helping me with pots. and while the medication he gave me has extremely helped significantly lessen my pots symptoms, he was no help either. in fact we called multiple times over the course of multiple days and received no reply. only to find out, he was planning on sending me to that same pain clinic that i still am severely traumatized by. even though we specifically have mentioned that we cannot go back to that place.

me and my family have been left alone to figure out how to deal with the daily struggles i have experienced without any medical help. we got a shower stool so i don’t faint in the shower, we got a cane so on my rough days when my hips pop in and out i can still somewhat walk around, heating pads and pain patches to try to relieve the pain the best we can, tylenol and advil around the clock.

my body and mind are exhausted from being in a constant state of fight or flight from the pain. this flare was extremely rough. but i survived.

when you’re in so much pain that your body goes into a state of shock, you can only focus on pain. all you can feel is pain, all you can sense is pain, all you can breath is pain. it feels like you’re trapped in an eternal loop of never ending pain. the days seem longer, the hours seem to go on forever, the minutes feel like months. it’s almost impossible for your mind to comprehend that the pain will lessen at some point eventually. this time, it took over 3 weeks for it to lessen. but it did. and i survived.

i’m not alone in the betrayal of the medical community ignorance. my family has been betrayed as they are forced to witness me deal with all of these issues and receive no useful information or help. thousands of others with the same disorders and conditions i have, have been treated exactly as i have. i know this. i know not to get my expectations up when i see someone ina white coat. but i just wish one doctor could care a little about me. because all they see is the chart. they see my medical history, my files. but they don’t see me.

they don’t see how creative i am. they don’t see how compassionate i am. they don’t see how unique and intelligent i am. they don’t see my artwork. they don’t see my stories. they don’t see my voice. they don’t see me.

i wish they would though. because my symptoms and my pain has been limiting my ability to do the things i love. it’s pulled me out of school, which i love. it’s limited my writing abilities, which is my passion. it’s limited my ability to shop, which is my favorite thing to do.

even though i’m dealing with way more than most 17 year olds are, i know one day i’ll be able to say wow i did that. and i got through it. my story is chaotic and unpredictable to say the least. but it’s not over, i won’t let these disorders write my story for me. i will. this chapter is just darker than others will be.

if you take anything from me, don’t write off a person because they look “healthy”. or what society has painted the idea of what healthy on the outside looks like anyways. you never know what someone is dealing with. your words matter. they hold power. they can heal, but they can also damage. please be compassionate to one another.

#chronic fatigue #chronic illness #chronic pain #chronically ill #heds #pots syndrome #potsie #mcas #pain warrior #teenagers #pots #hypermobile ehlers danlos #amps #fnd awareness #crps #fnd

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wrenreid · 2 years

Text

Off Limits

content warnings: daddy issues

Part Eight

“Jade,” my father’s voice follows his knocking on my door. “Jade, can I come in?”

I’m still laying in bed, but I’ve been awake for about an hour. It’s around 10am, and I’ve just been on my phone.

“Please?”

“If you have coffee, then yes,” I say.

My father comes into my bedroom. “No coffee, but I do have an apology.”

“I’m listening,” I tell him, not even looking up from my phone.

“Could you at least look at me?”

I look up, setting my phone on my chest.

“I’m sorry. You’re right. You’re an adult, and you can go to parties if you want to. It won’t keep me from worrying because that’s my job as your father, but I’ll try to stop commenting on it,” my father tells me.

I’m almost so shocked that I could laugh. I don’t, but I could. I don’t think he’s ever apologized for something like this. He always validated his judgmental and overprotective habits by saying he’s not just my father, but he’s also an FBI agent and knows what goes on in the world.

That has always annoyed me. I know what goes on in the world too. Hell, my Mother died from part of what goes on in the world. But that doesn’t mean I should live in fear and shy away from having fun. It just means I need to know how to handle myself. I need to be cautious but not so cautious to where it takes over my entire life. I’m not going to lock myself in my apartment and be scared of the life outside of it.

“Thank you for the apology,” I say, sitting up a little straighter. “I think you need to worry a little less about what I’m doing in my life and focus more on the kid you have that needs you more.”

Dad sighs, but nods. “Are you saying you don’t need me?”

“I’ll always need you, but Jack is a lot younger than I am. He still needs you to make sure he takes a bath,” I say with a soft smile. “Just let me be 21, okay?”

Another sigh releases from his lips. “Okay. There’s breakfast downstairs if you’re hungry.”

I give him a thumbs up, and he leaves my room.

I think that was some father - daughter progress right there. I don’t trust that he’s going to be off my back, but I have hope that he’ll keep to his word and chill out a little.

Dad, Jack, and I have family time for four days until Dad is called about a case in Michigan. He’s hesitant to go at first, but I tell him it’s fine.

I’m used to him grabbing the duffel bag he always keeps packed and heading out the door with a kiss on my forehead. What’s new?

I’m a little annoyed, though. Four days was all we had until he flew off to another state.

“You’re missing my recital?” An 11 year old Jade whined, my arms crossed.

“I’m so sorry, princess. I have to go to work,” Dad said, that black duffel bag in his hand.

“But you just got home! And I’m going to be in the front!” I felt the tears welling up in my eyes, and I choked them back.

My father frowned, sighing softly. He bent down to my level, holding my hand. “Mom will video it for me. I have to go help people. Do you understand?”

I nodded, but I hardly understood, especially at a young age.

When I was around seven years old, my mom put me in dance classes to occupy some of my time and allow me to have an activity that would get my energy out. I loved it, but I wouldn’t say I was great at it. I stayed in the classes until I was 12 and was tired of my dad never being able to make any of the recitals or daddy- daughter rehearsals since he joined the BAU.

He gave me a small, relieved smile before kissing my forehead. “I’ll be back soon. You’ll do amazing tomorrow.” He kissed my disappointed looking mother quickly then went out the door.

Jack and I are left alone for some sibling bonding time, which usually means watching and playing whatever he wants. I guess I don’t mind too much; I have nothing better to do on a Wednesday afternoon.

A part of me wishes Spencer was here with us again. He would have entertained Jack easily and said some interesting facts stored in his magnificent brain. He’s also not a bad sight to look at.

—————

“You do not have to do that,” I tell my boss assuringly.

“Oh c’mon, let me pay you back somehow,” he says, using his stern voice.

“Okay,” I press my lips together and nod.

Hotch suggested he take me out to dinner as a thank you for watching over Jack last week. I don’t think it necessary since it wasn’t any trouble, but he insists.

I wonder if Jade would be there when he buys me dinner. A part of me hopes she won’t be, but another part wants to see her again.

I don’t know why I’ve been thinking about her as much as I have. It’s not as if she is all I think about, but I find her sneaking her way into my thoughts when I’m eating popcorn or even playing chess.

I tell myself it’s not wrong to think about a person. We as humans think about billions of things, and other humans are a part of those thoughts. But it still feels like I am doing something I shouldn’t when I see her face in my mind.

You’d think someone as smart as I am would understand why she’s inhabiting my brain at least a few times a day, but I haven’t.

The jet ride is finally over, and the six of us step onto solid ground.

For the next two days and two nights, we’re in Michigan solving a case of four murders.

It’s Friday afternoon when we’re back in Quantico, and Hotch is still determined to buy my dinner. I agree when he says to meet him at the restaurant at 7.

After finishing paperwork, I leave the office around three.

—————

“Well, yeah we’re going with you,” I tell Dad, “I don’t want to cook dinner.”

He laughs softly. “Alright. Be ready by 6:30.”

I’m glad he wasn’t gone for too long. There’s no telling how many days cases will take. Some take two, and some can take up to a week or two.

I take a shower at 5, giving myself enough time to let it air dry most of the way before using a little heat.

Dad hates when I take my phone into the bathroom with me when I’m showering. It’s not like he thinks I’m taking pictures or anything- or at least I assume he doesn’t think that. But he’s always scolding me about the steam getting into my charging port and fucking up my phone, which he reminds me every time that he will not buy me a new one so I learn my lesson. Of course, he would buy me a new one because he needs to call me three times a day while I’m at school just to see how and what I’m doing.

I sing along to the music playing from my phone that rests on the counter top. As one can see, I’m not very keen on listening.

Once I’m sure I’ve taken a too-long shower, I step out, dry off, tie my hair up into a t shirt to help dry it, and go to my room.

I throw on some straight leg jeans that are form fitting around my ass and thighs but flow down the rest of my legs spaciously. I then put on a navy blue long sleeved crop top and my white hightop converse.

After my hair dries most of the way, I blow dry it to add some volume. I keep my makeup light, just mascara, eyeliner, and a bit of concealer.

I’m not dressing up for Spencer as much as I almost want to. This is my usual look. Plus, I think if I did dress up a little my dad would notice and I’d be embarrassed as hell.

I meet Jack and Dad at the door at 6:27, and we head out to the restaurant. We park next to Spencer’s car. He’s always early to everything. I admire that.

He gets out, greeting my dad, Jack, then me. He gives me a little wave, seeming awkward and almost nervous. I shoot him a smile.

Spencer opens the door for us. “Thank you,” I say softly as I walk past him.

The dinner’s going well. Dad and Spencer are making conversation, and me and my brother are brought into it occasionally.

We’re waiting for our food when Jack stands up, doing his little ‘I’ve got to pee’ dance. Dad takes him to the bathroom.

“So how was the case?” I ask, resting my head on my hands as I look across the table to Spencer.

“It went well, and it didn’t take too long. Overall successful,” he says nonchalantly.

“What, no interesting facts about it?” I tease, a flirty smile on my face.

I may not be able to act on my crush, but can at least flirt a little.

“Well, I learned what twilight is,” he chuckles softly.

I laugh too. “You’ve never heard of twilight?”

“Not until yesterday, no,” he says innocently, confused as to why I’m shocked.

“It’s a pretty well known franchise.”

“Maybe I should look into them?”

“No,” I laugh a little harder. “You shouldn’t. They’re kind of awful.”

“Oh,” he presses his lips together, his cheeks pink.

I eye him with a smile. “It’s cute when you do that.”

“D-do what?” Spencer asks me. The blush on his cheeks gets darker, and he avoids eye contact.

“That,” I giggle softly. “The nervous lip thing and looking down.”

“Thank you?” He clears his throat nervously.

“You’re welcome, doctor,” I say with a grin.

Before I’m about to say something else flirty, my dad comes back with Jack. They sit down, and I sit up straight before giving Spencer a look.

He’s adorable when he’s flustered. And I probably, no I definitely, shouldn’t be teasing him like this, but what’s the harm in flirting? I probably won’t see him again for a while.

It’s also refreshing to flirt with someone who doesn’t try to fuck you after you say one thing. Instead he’s all red faced and nervous. I like it.

Maybe I’ll have to toy with this a little more. I need something to entertain me.

—————

I feel like a blubbering mess.

What was she doing? Was that flirting? I think so. But why?

Jade made me feel something that I definitely shouldn’t have. I was all hot and nervous, and my stomach was fluttering.

I’ve been flirted with before, sure usually it’s prostitutes and older women, but it’s still flirting. So why is it that when Jade did it I could barely say anything, and I just sat there blushing?

I was sort of relieved when the night ended, and I went back to my apartment. It’s not that I didn’t want to see her, because for whatever reason I did, but I needed to get away from all the blushing and butterflies in my stomach.

My boss’s daughter should not be making me blush and queazy. She shouldn’t be flirting with me either, and I shouldn’t allow it… but I kind of liked it. At least just a little bit.

It was just one little flirty conversation though. We won’t see each other often anymore because she’s not in the city much, and I’m busy with work. Good.

I couldn’t help but notice her scent and smile as she walked past me earlier when I held the door open for her. Her beautiful fragrance hit my nose and made me want to follow her mindlessly like those stupid, no talking cartoons like Tom and Jerry. Jade flashed me a smile too, a friendly, and now that I’m thinking about it, flirty smile.

I’ve got to get her off my mind. She’s my boss’s kid, and that’s all she is. She’s young, and young people like to flirt with no meaning nowadays. It’s just a fun little game to them.

I head to bed, a book in my hand. My eyes skim over the pages quickly, but I’m only retaining half of the words. The other half of my brain is filled with Jade.

nine

tags: @pauline5525mgg @theintimatewriter r @lilibet261 1 @greysviolets @jazzymariexoxoc @one-sweet-gubler @thatsonezesty13 @necromaniackat @awhoreforspencerreid @sebs-oxygen @scarredelirium @bts-sugaplum m @awesomeness1679 @preciousbabypeter @yazzyu @cynbx @r3idsp3ncer @1010lizz @tiredbut-here @skulzombiw @lena-1895 <3

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cotgar2 · 1 year

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if greed and ling and maybe some of the Other Characters went to high school present day what do you think theyd be like

Ok i’ve been saving this cuz every time I come across it, it takes a whole brainstorming session to think it out lmaoo

And although there is some art by Arakawa with a chunk of the characters in class, I got my own modern day American public school ideas >:)c

If anyone has any other ideas, please feel free to throw them at me! Or if you wanna hear my opinion about so-and-so that I didn’t do, go ahead! (I did have more but tumblr mobile doesn’t like too many paragraphs after read more, so I’ll leave it where it is). I’ll even take art ideas, high school aus are so fun imo…

Ok so first off the bat since greed and ling were mentioned

Ling: the kid who comes in late constantly cause he had to get a starbucks coffee before class. He rarely studies or pay attention, but does extremely well in classes anyways. He will show up in outfits either way too planned beforehand or literal pajamas. Also he has been known for being punished because of eating in class when asked not to several times.

Lan Fan: Honestly not much different from Ling behavior-wise. She will study and pay attention sometimes, but mostly just to fill Ling in on what he missed. She has also been asked not to eat in the middle of class and got punished for doing it repeatedly lol. She’ll show up with a coffee with Ling in the mornings, plus wear an outfit that kinda screams “don’t look at me the wrong way or I’ll fuck you up”. Actually, maybe she just radiates that energy period.

Together, Ling and Lan Fan have totally gotten into their own handful of trouble, to the point where Fu had to pick them up and scold them lmaoo

Greed: ….ok well I either gotta ommit the fact that he’s practially 200 or looks like he’s in his 20’s or 30’s or just.. older than highschool age. So.. uhh if he were actually valid for being in school.. he’d probably surprisingly try his absolute hardest to understand material but not get it at all. And never actually go in for help or anything. Just picturing him trying to figure out math homework is not… yeah that’s not gonna go well lmaoo. He’s got the drive to do really well, and tries! And that’s all that matters! (don’t look at his grades)

Ed: The kid that pulls up in punk stuff (can’t forget the foot-tall platforms), and doesn’t actually try in most of his classes. He’s a natural prodigy and knows it, taking advantage of it constantly. The only classes he pays attention in are his science classes, to which then he studies ahead of the class and knows the ins and outs of everything they talk about.

Al: Pulls up in the most cozy academia outfits, but does almost exactly the same as Ed; pays attention only in sciences. Also a natural prodigy, he doesn’t exactly pay attention in other classes, again just like Ed. I will say though, unlike Ed who would probably put the minimal amount of effort to get 100 on assignments, Al wouldn’t half-ass it and put full responses on stuff so it looks like he was fully engrossed. Doesn’t mean he is, but at least the teacher doesn’t know that.

Would like to also add that they have gotten in their own fair share of trouble, to which they then get an earful from both Winry and Pinako. They’re (and by that I mean Ed’s) probably most likely to get into a school fight with Al trying to stop it, but that means he gets involved too

Winry: Befriends most students and all of her teachers, or at least tries. She also immediately sniffs out the bullshit teachers too. (This one’s in reference to the school I went to that offered technology courses where you can do woodwork and learn engineering skills, but) she would often hang out after school in the technology rooms, crafting whatever her mind was thinking that day. She gets constantly teased by Ed, but that’s mostly because both him and Al have to sit with her for hours, waiting for her to be done so that Pinako can pick them all up from school.

(Mr.) Mustang: One of the chemistry teachers in the building. Mostly liked by the students, although everyone’s definitely off-put by how much he talks about his wife “Elizabeth” when sometimes on the phone (some kids suspect it’s Mrs. Hawkeye). He’s notoriously know for how fun his class is in certain units, most notably the combustion unit, where he does some.. flashy demos. Overall though, a teacher I wish I had lol

(Mrs.) Hawkeye: Surprisingly, one of the English teachers. She’s one of the “strictest” teachers, but that’s only seen by the kids who don’t try in her class. She actually makes for a very good teachers, keeping everything in order and making sure that there’s fun… every so often. But kids always feel welcomed by her warm smile, and she feels that every kid has the potential to do well in her class.

#hah well there goes 5 other paragraphs with characters that I wrote out :p #not my art #ask #fma #fmab #fullmetal alchemist #fullmetal alchemist brotherhood #fma school au #fun fact: I had made (as a joke) an old high school au #but instead of it being normal it was based off of disney high school movies #aka something’s wrong with the school and the main cast has to figure it out #I actually have an old drawing of Mei I posted that was from that au #but so some of these were curated from that old au I had a few years ago loll

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thesunsethour · 4 months

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Little Les Mis Things - 11/01/24

My ramblings (aka an in-depth analysis) on how amazing the current West End cast of Les Misérables are having seen the show yesterday (a particularly special version because of how many amazing covers and swings performed!) This is also the first time I’ve seen Les Mis in London with the new production changes (so much to talk about!)

Yesterday was my 6th time seeing Les Mis, and 4th time in London - let’s get into it!!

Jean Valjean - Played by the absolutely wonderful Killian Donnelly who is MY Valjean. This was the third time I’ve seen him play this role and no one has come close to him for me. The tenderness he brings to the role without losing any of Valjean’s rougher edges is sublime. His voice is as divine as ever yet at the same time has matured so much over the years since I first saw him as Valjean in 2017. The result is the most beautiful blend of roughness at the beginning that over the course of the show mellows as Valjean ages - but at the same time is always distinctly *Killian*. His rendition of Bring Him Home is the best version of all time. I would like to apologise to my aunt for this sacrilegious statement against the wonderful Colm Wilkinson but after yesterday I cannot deny it anymore. I always cried at the end of Les Mis, but yesterday was the first time I was sobbing from Bring Him Home onwards, and that is thanks to Killian Donnelly.

Javert - Played by Jordan Simon Pollard, who usually plays Claquesous but is first cover Javert. He was sensational! His voice filled every crevice of the theatre and his rendition of Javert’s Soliloquy was out of this world.

Fantine - Played by Ellie Ann Lowe, who usually plays a Factory Girl but was on as Fantine yesterday and smashed it right out of the park! Beautiful voice (especially at the end of I Dreamed a Dream) and an incredible actress to boot.

Cosette - Played by the lovely Lulu-Mae Pears. Her Cosette was a treat to see and her voice was stunning. Side note I LOVE Cosette’s new costumes for the London production.

Marius - Played by Ben Oatley, who usually plays Joly, and was making his debut as Marius yesterday! He is second cover Marius and this is his first ever West End show having graduated last year and it’s almost hard to believe when you see how talented he is - like he’d been doing the role for years! If you want to imagine this Marius just picture Mr Bingley from Pride and Prejudice 1995 now give him bucketloads of trauma. And then BOOM! A Ben Oatley Marius.

Éponine - Played by Rosy Church, an ensemble actress who is also making her West End debut with this current cast of Les Mis! She was simply outstanding, with a voice as clear as a bell and a higher register that really surprised me for a bit but I loved. Her ‘On My Own’ sent goosebumps down my arms - simply brilliant.

Enjolras - Played by Djavan van de Fliert who made the entire audience fall in love. The most charismatic Enjorlas I have ever had the pleasure of seeing, he filled the stage when energy whenever he was on it. During his entrance for One Day More he fell down on stage but didn’t miss a single beat and got an absolutely rapturous round of applause at the end.

Little bits and bobs I loved from this production:

* They’ve changed the tops that the chain gang wear from brown to red - it initially appeared quite jarring to me but then really grew as the show went on. It makes Valjean stand out more (especially important for people like me, who were watching from the Grand Circle all the way up in the Gods)

* Killian went for the higher note for “took my FLIGHT” which I always simply adore when he does that

* The way Killian said “the whirlpool of my SIN”… I cannot explain in words how many emotions he can pack into one word

* An addition from the last time I saw the show in London was that Valjean goes to help a little girl when going from town to town at the beginning and gets shunned and attacked for it, and this adds an extra weight to when he takes the coin off the little boy later on

* Valjean gets beaten up a LOT more than he used to… it works so well on stage but also leave my father alone…

* The actor playing the bishop in this production (Adam Pearce) was so brilliant - he played the role with an underlying tinge of anger which was a unique choice I’d not seen much of before. He seemed to be angry not AT Valjean but at his circumstances, which really worked well

* One of the factory workers called Fantine a bitch with such vitriol that the dozens of teenagers sitting in front of me on a school tour gasped out loud

* I loved Killian’s acting during the scene when Fantine was fired, she was begging him to look at her letter and Valjean just waved her away - it was made more obvious than in other versions and really helped to heighten his guilt later on when he finds her in the street. Also some excellent background acting with Valjean instructing the workers in the back

* When the man attacked Fantine after Lovely Ladies it was the most violent choreography of it I’ve seen so far. Then Fantine punched AND spat at him

* When Valjean finds Fantine it takes him a good couple minutes to admit his own guilt but when he did it was overwhelming to him

* Killian also kept putting his hand on Fantine’s cheek and then over his own heart…. killed me actually

* Ellie’s “you let your foreman SEND ME AWAY” was breathtaking

* I LOOOOOVED Valjean and Javert’s interactions when Valjean is Mayor because like for example after lifting the cart obviously Valjean had to take off his coat and Javert was holding it and it was after some very tense seconds where Javert was suspicious Valjean just motioned for Javert to return his coat bahahaha. So subtle but so brilliant

* Javert was getting worked up and said “but MONSIEUR LE MAYOR-“ and Valjean just held up a single hand to silence him and it was so perfectly done - I love their shifting power dynamics so much

* And during the Confrontation Valjean stole Javert’s chain and kept slowly wrapping it around his hand before delivering the most satisfying punch

* The little actress who played young Éponine was so fantastic, she kept mirroring Madam T’s behaviour

* I love how the new production emphasises Valjean’s nose boops to Cosette. They are actually so important

* But then… a huge travesty… they changed the line from “Yes Cosette, yes it’s true. I’ll be father and mother to you” to something along the lines of “Yes Cosette, yes it’s true, there’ll be a castle just for you”…. really don’t like this change. I always adored the “father and mother” lyric :(

* And I can’t even keep track of the amount of lyrics changed in Master of the House…

* Once again one of my favourite sections in the musical is The Thénardier Waltz because I adore Valjean’s exasperation and passive aggressive reaction to their antics

* Also when they were talking about his Cosette was often ill, Madam T said to Cosette “play dead!” Excellent new addition

* When Valjean went to pick Cosette up to spin her around Killian said ‘h-UP’ which is such an Irish thing and made me so happy like I really think Killian’s acting with young Cosette and even later with Marius in the sewers has so much more depth since Killian himself has had children 🥺

* Now we’re in Paris (side note they’ve got rid of the location and years projections which I miss…)

* They still have the “everyone’s equal when they’re dead” line for Gavroche which I never liked as much :(

* Although they did let Gavroche carry around a little baton the whole time to mock Javert which I loved

* They made Éponines “I know a lot of things I do” quite overtly sexual which is a change from other versions I’ve seen and I wasn’t mad on it

* I love how the Grantaire and Gavroche has been developed over the years it’s so endearing

* I really loved all the Marius and Grantaire interactions - and really Grantaire with the whole ensemble, such wonderful friendships

* When Enjolras took Grantaire’s bottle off him he immediately took out another one

* Marius sang the first few lines of ‘A Heart Full of Love’ from the top of the fence which I’d never seen before and loved

* Also I am CONVINCED Éponine said “shit!” when she noticed Valjean come out the door

* And later when Éponine delivered the note from Cosette to Marius via Valjean he was so soft towards Éponine and even softer when he realised she was a girl. He clasped her hands and told her to stay away from the barricade

* Death’s kiss!!!!!!! Éponine kissed Marius!!! And I sobbed

* When Éponine was dying one of the Barricade Boys brought Javert out and made him look at her body but Javert kept looking away… oh god quick where is that Éponine and Javert parallel post

* Éponine’s anger at the end of ‘On My Own’ was so palpable and especially her “a world that’s full of happiness that I will never KNOW” was so painful

* Drink with Me while very sad was also very funny because everyone was having a good time and then it’s like “oh good Grantaire is joining in- OH NO HE IS NOT OKAY”

* Enjolras really seemed have a lot of respect for Grantaire in this production which made it all the more painful when Grantaire shook his arm off when Enjolras tried to comfort him

* Grantaire’s “IS YOUR LIFE JUST ONE MORE LIE” really played into his NEED to believe in something

* BRING HIM HOME WAS THE MOST SPECTACULAR PERFORMANCE I HAVE EVER SEEN. I sobbed throughout. Killian is so talented. Because his voice is so soft naturally and the beginning of the song is extra soft it means the gut punch of “the summers DIEEEE ONE BY ONE” all the more powerful

* Grantaire and Enjolras hugged over what they thought was Marius’ dead body… god…

* Valjean looked so devastated that he couldn’t save all the other boys at the barricade oh god it killed me

* Once again Grantaire was the last to die and shouted “YOU BASTARDS”

* One of my FAVOURITE additions to the new Les Mis staging (which Killian does particularly well) is Valjean saying “good boy good boy… good boy” to Marius as he heaved him up. I burst into tears again

* Turning was soooo good because they have a little girl sing the lyric “who will wake them?” and then she stares at Marius as he comes out for Empty Chairs

* I hated the lyric change in Beggars at the Feast from “that one’s a queer but what can you do” to something like “that one’s a queer but guess he’ll do”… like why. why.

* When Valjean was telling Marius about his life he kept rubbing and clutching his wrist which made me think of Fantine’s line about chains binding him… oh god

* As always Valjean’s death was so beautiful and painful… the part of the show that always gets to me the most

* THE BISHOP HUGGED VALJEAN WHEN HE DIED TO WELCOME HIM TO HEAVEN

* and then I died too. I love this musical so much

#sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes i typed this on the plane #les mis #les miserables #theatre stuff #killian donnelly #… my valjean forever and always

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