#it popped up on my Snapchat memories and I haven’t thought about it in a while but what the FUCk

[yiikesmin]

that one bolero performance at Tokyo dome when it’s raining and yunho and changmin finish singing and yunho just stares at changmin with his big brown eyes

#it popped up on my Snapchat memories and I haven’t thought about it in a while but what the FUCk #this is a no shipping zone #but what the FUVK YUNHO id fold #tvxq

[sagaonline]

my old friend and now

The other day, an old friend of mine sent me a message. I haven’t spoken to her in three years, so seeing her name pop up not only in my messages but also in my Snapchat notifications was a shock. she said that she missed me, and that she really didn’t want to drift apart after we finished high school, but things sometimes take turns that we don’t want or expect.

I didn’t reply for a while. I worked a whole shift before I had the courage to say anything. Why was she messaging me now, after three years? I suspected it was because I’ve recently graduated from university, and I posted my excitement for the next chapter of my life on social media. Was that some sort of unknown invitation for members of my past to come back to it?

When I did reply, I said I missed her too. Honestly, I don’t know if I did. It’s always been hard for me to regulate emotions, the teetering line of feeling too much and not enough. Normally, when I fall out with friends, I push any thought of them as far away as I can, too desperate to not feel fear and upset at the fact that they aren’t in my life anymore. It’s the same with her, I hadn’t really thought about her since we last spoke. But the moment I wrote those words, they were real. That ache that comes with missing someone flooded my chest, that feeling of loss because I’ve missed such a great deal of our lives.

I don’t know what she’s like these days, and we used to be best friends in high school. That scares me. 

We had known each other all through high school, only really becoming super close in the last two years, and even more so in my senior year of high school. She was there for me when no one else was. We went to the mall together in our free periods and we sat together during our art classes, we hyped each other up for our major projects in Drama class, and she read all my essays with enthusiasm that even some teachers didn’t exhibit. I hosted tutoring sessions for classmates to help us through the final exams, and she attended every session, keen to learn things she already knew. 

She asks what I’m doing with my life, congratulates me with my recent graduation.

“What’s the next step for you?” she says, well, types. This is all over messages. She tells me she works as an ‘EA’ (or, ‘the office bitch’ as she dotingly refers to it) in the city, and she works full time and can’t meet until after the twenty-second. I’m happy for it, but I’m secretly jealous at how her life seems so put together at twenty-one, and I feel like I’ve tripped off a cliff and I haven’t stopped falling for even a second. 

“I’m going back for further study,” I reply. “I applied for my MA the other day, and I’m thinking of applying to work at our high school in the meantime. Full circle, and whatnot.”

“That’s so great! You’ve been talking about this for forever. I’m so happy and proud of you,” she replies. I don’t remember telling her about it when we spoke, but maybe I did. Another reason for me wanting to reconnect with her is because my memories of high school and elementary and everything in between are spotty. I guess, when I live in books and fictional worlds of the things I write, my own reality tumbles a bit. 

I remember, when I was first accepted into university, she was the first person I told. It wasn’t the degree I ended up doing, or at the university I ended up  going to, but it was something I was proud of and something I wanted to do at the time. I remember talking about that. It was for a school in the capital, working in forensic science majoring in chemistry and law. Crazy, comparing it to the degree I ended up studying (linguistics and language science). It felt like me, but I guess, linguistics is me now. 

We organize to meet up on a random Sunday, a date we will finalise more closer past the twenty-second, and we call it a night. I didn’t expect to hear from her again, but she pops up. She sends me a snapchat selfie of her at work, she texts me about whether I moved for uni like I’d always planned to and she asks what I do for work. 

“I actually have two jobs right now. I work in retail in plus size women’s fashion and I also edit novels and online publications and stuff,” I say. Compared to her fancy full time job, I feel a bit like a joke. Both my jobs are part time, and even though editing is something I love doing (hence, delving my life into reading and writing), it’s not good paying, and I work on one project every few months. Retail is a nightmare, as is any nightmare. It’s better than my last job, I tell myself with the intention of forcing myself to be happy for what I have. I used to work at a department store, and I had for five years before I left. 

I didn’t actually reply to her until a few days after about my work. I don’t know why, but I delayed it. Me and messaging people isn’t the best combination. Something about the tangibility and immediateness of it scares me, I think. It’s not uncommon for me to not reply to someone for hours, if not, days on end. There’s a video on Snapchat she sent me that I still haven’t opened, which is even more nerve wracking for me. 

When I did reply to her, it was in the early morning, and she replied a couple hours later asking if it was a store in our local mall. I replied that it was, and she said she was coming to say hello. 

I haven’t seen her in three years, and she’s coming to my workplace for a quick catch up chat. 

I get nervous when it comes to going to things I’ve known about for weeks, pre-prepared plans with my own family. Now, I’m meeting the girl I used to be friends with until we fell apart spontaneously, and I don’t feel a thing. I don’t feel nervous, or anxious, or nauseous like I usually do. I just feel like me, maybe a little bit excited. It’s not a feeling I’m used to. I walk around my small store for hours until she comes in. And when she does, I’m talking to my coworker who just started. And it’s not awkward. 

She tells me she’s moving into the city with her partner. She tells me her salary and her plans to move up in the company. She tells me how much money her company has spent on their Christmas party, and all I can do is swallow and stare at her. 

Her hair is different, shorter. Her face is different, like she’s grown into it, but it’s the same girl underneath. The same girl I had known for five years before we became inseparable in senior year. Her voice sounds the same, but she’s aged. She’s grown into this beautiful twenty-one year old and I look the same as I have since I was sixteen. It’s not that I feel jealous, I’m proud of her. It’s strange to see. 

When we were in high school, we used to joke that she would stay in this shitty town forever, without a partner, and still in the same shithole department store she worked in. She’s outgrown this town, and I can’t find it in me to hate her for it or be jealous that it’s not me. In high school, she played guitar and she sang and she would paint pictures in art class about what she was feeling like when she listened to music. Now, she’s flourished and she’s about to move out with her partner and start a life in the city, far away from the small town we grew up in. 

We haven’t had a chance to plan a proper-catch up just yet. Originally, when I thought she was still staying here in our town, I had recommended  a cafe we had visited many times before. Now, we’re talking about a shopping mall that’s local to her new place, with expensive bougie food that requires at least three pictures before fork can even be placed near the plate. 

And I find that I dont care. As long as I can spend time with her. We have a lot to catch up on. And I am nothing but excited. 

Saga.

#journal entry #entry 1 #writing

[blossom-hwa]

Bloom, Bloom, Pow! |1| - CHANGMIN

Happy Valentine’s Day!!!! Please enjoy the first half of nearly 17k of pining for the boy I would be pining for if he was in my life <3 

Special thanks to @wingkkun​ for helping me come up with several parts of this story!! I don’t know how you deal with me, Kai, but I really appreciate it <3

(Suggested playlist: Bloom Bloom, DDD, and Just U by The Boyz :D)

Pairing: Changmin x gender neutral!reader

Genre: fluff, angst if you squint, university!au

Triggers: cursing, alcohol

Word Count: 9.4k

Dancing with you, Changmin feels like flowers are blooming in his heart.

Part 1 | Part 2

TBZ Masterlist | Interwoven

~ you

It starts like this.

Ji Changmin is notorious for his dancing, not because he’s bad at it (he’s arguably one of the best students in the dance department), but for his habit of moonwalking through the university halls. Headphones stuck in his ears, phone in hand, he twists and twirls around campus, eyes closed in concentration or fixed on some faraway point in space, lost in the realm of his music.

And the strangest thing is, he never bumps into a single person.

Oh, he might brush against an arm or two. His fingertips might graze a shoulder with a butterfly’s touch, his feet just barely skimming over another’s shoes. But crashing into someone? Knocking into a wall? Never.

It’s fun to see, really, when you cross paths with him or when he shows up on the school Snapchat story. Even though you only know Changmin by name (Kevin talks to him, but you haven’t had the pleasure), there’s something endlessly graceful and fascinating about the way he moves, slipping through the crowded halls with the cheerful air of someone who doesn’t care about what other people around them think.

It starts with an impulse, just something to lighten up your mood. You’re walking to one of your least favorite classes (look, writing might be fun, but certainly not the way your professor teaches it) when Changmin’s bright orange mop of hair appears ahead. A slight smile creeps up your face as he comes closer, an unstoppable force parting the crowded sea of students.

An idea pops into your mind.

Trip him up.

Briefly, you question yourself. Why?

Like that meme, your brain supplies a concise answer. You gotta.

You’re grinning, moving before your mind can even process what your body has decided to do. Stepping awkwardly around a couple of other students, you place yourself right in Changmin’s path.

He twists.

You turn.

He lurches.

You step.

He flashes you a confused look, his usual faraway gaze replaced with something bemused and even slightly annoyed. For a second, you feel a flash of uncertainty – what if he doesn’t see this as the joke you mean it to be? After all, you don’t even know each other. How is he going to take this?

But he must see the teasing smile on your face and the glint in your gaze because his eyes sparkle, lips stretching wide into the brightest grin you’ve ever seen him wear. His moves take on an exaggerated cadence, arms stretching widely, legs smoothly twisting around your much less graceful feet as he twirls, just avoiding your flailing hands jokingly trying to stop him.

Changmin wins, of course. Your mediocre attempts at obstruction are nothing against his skill. As he slips away, he flashes you a smirk of farewell, leaving you with only the memory of a bright smile, graceful limbs, and an awkward dance.

You expect it to be a one-time thing. It’s so stupid when you think about it later – what the hell possessed you to do that, anyway? You’re cringing just thinking about it – so there’s no way, you tell yourself, no way that Changmin would bother to acknowledge your presence again. When you walk down the same hall a few days later and see a bright orange head of hair artfully bobbing in your direction, you just smile a bit at the residual memories.

But Changmin catches your eye, his gaze brightening when it meets yours. As the curve of his lips widens, one graceful finger twitches slightly in a tiny gesture – get over here. His eyes glint – try me.

A grin spreads across your face as you step closer. Why not?

And so, again, you dance.

. . . . .

~ changmin

Changmin doesn’t really know what makes you so special. He doesn’t know why he indulges your twists and turns, weaving in and out of your awkwardly stepping feet on the way to class. He doesn’t know why he didn’t just give you a weird look the first day you stepped into his path, avoided you as best he could and walked away.

But that would’ve erased the smile on your face, he reasons, thinking back to the memories. It would’ve extinguished the sparkle in your eye, muted the brightness of your expression into something far less brilliant. And despite the fact that Changmin barely knows who you are, has only a vague recollection of your name from when someone once called to you down the hall, in that moment, he subconsciously knew that there was nothing he would willingly do to dim your sparkle. Not a sparkle of beauty, necessarily, or of mere physical loveliness. No, in your smile, there’s something deeper, something brilliantly incandescent that strikes right into Changmin’s heart.

Other people think it’s stupid. Younghoon, for example, wonders if he’s gone absolutely nuts the first time he witnesses the dance (well, Changmin calls it a dance – Younghoon says it looks more like a cult ritual). “What the fuck was that?” he asks after you walk off, raising an extremely confused eyebrow.

Changmin just shrugs, watching your figure disappear down the hall before slipping back into his usual moonwalk. “I don’t know,” he replies honestly. “We just do it.”

“You’re so weird,” Younghoon mutters, shaking his head slightly. “Do you even know their name?”

Again, he shrugs. “Y/N, I think?”

Younghoon chokes. “You think?”

If Changmin thinks about it, it is kind of stupid. You stepped into his path in a crowded hallway and proceeded to try and trip him up, all while wearing a huge grin on your face (that Changmin thinks is beautiful, but he won’t dig into that just yet). Changmin, instead of trying to get away, decided to indulge your fun. You’ve never exchanged a single spoken word – he isn’t even sure you know his name, though he can’t really say anything because he isn’t sure he knows yours – and you’ve rarely interacted, even nonverbally, beyond a few smiles and the little confrontation that happens every Monday and Wednesday at approximately two-ten in the afternoon when the two of you walk down the same hall.

But it doesn’t feel stupid, not in the moment. It feels right, somehow, grinning as widely as his lips will allow while you try to step all over his toes. You never manage to trip him, not in those few seconds of dance, but Changmin appreciates the effort and laughs along with you, exaggerating his movements and pretending to almost fall, just to see the smile on your face grow wider.

So the stares don’t matter, not to Changmin. He can stomach the strange glances, the hidden smirks, the subtly raised phones trying to catch the scene for the school Snapchat story (anyway, if it bothers him enough, he can terrify Jaehyun into deleting it). He can shrug off Younghoon standing like a silent tree nearby, stuffing his face with bread and praying no one associates him with his squirrelly best friend, because seeing your brilliant smiles and hearing your stifled laughs are more than enough to get him through the rest of the day.

“You never smile that widely around me,” Younghoon remarks one day, “and I’m your best friend.”

Changmin just shrugs as he flashes you one last grin over the sea of students in the hall, turning back to face his friend. “Well,” he says, purposely trying to be infuriating, “there’s a reason for that.”

Younghoon whines, of course, pouting his lips in the way that wins him so many admirers around the school, but Changmin ignores it in favor of thinking about your smile, your laugh, the way your eyes sparkle and your limbs fly in your attempts to throw him off his balance.

Yes, he thinks, there’s a reason.

The reason is that your smile is more beautiful than anything he’s ever seen.

. . . . .

~ eric

Eric considers himself pretty well-versed when it comes to feelings. He’s fallen in love a lot, even with people he often doesn’t even know too well. Something just always pulls him in – a particular smile, a mischievous glint of the eye, the way they tap their pencil against their chin when deep in thought. He falls easily, quickly, and a little too hard, and as a result, he can recognize the look in his own eyes (and in others’, too) when he’s fallen head over heels for someone lovely.

He doesn’t have too many problems shooting his shot, either, which is nice. Sunwoo’s told Eric several times that he’s jealous of the way he can walk up to someone so easily and go, “Hey, I want to get to know you a little better – mind if I take you on a date?” To Eric, though, it’s just part of the process. He gets nervous, no doubt, but more often than not, if he’s courteous, he’ll at least meet a new friend, even if the feelings don’t end up being reciprocated.

When Eric slams into you on his board one day – what the fuck were you doing, anyway? Trying to trip up that wide-eyed kid with the dimples? Though to be fair, he shouldn’t be skateboarding in the halls – the first thing he notices is your pretty smile, the embarrassed grin you give him as he apologizes profusely, extending a hand to help you up. His heart thumps once.

True to himself, Eric’s ready to drop a flirty pickup line, make you laugh a little, and ask if he can get you a coffee or something to make up for the trouble. The words are forming on his lips, just about to burst from his throat when he feels a laser gaze glaring holes into his back.

Against his better judgement, Eric looks back slightly. The doe-eyed boy you were, what – interacting with? Dancing with? He needs to go over that scene in his head again – is staring back with so much concentration it looks like he wants to tear out Eric’s entire soul.

You drop Eric’s hand and he looks back, startled by the sudden lack of touch. “Don’t worry, really – I’m not hurt. Thanks for helping me up,” you say.

Oh.

Oh, fuck.

Your voice.

If Eric’s heart wasn’t already fluttering over your smile, it’s certainly fluttering now over your voice. God, it makes Eric want to just be your friend, at the very least. There’s a perfect mixture of warmth, gentility, and kindness in your tone, sprinkled with something so very sweet that soothes his ears.

Hell.

But by contrast, your smile is distant, like you’re thinking of something beyond the moment. Eric takes the current brief silence to look where your eyes flit off to, trying to see who you’re fixated on.

The doe-eyed boy is walking away, shifting gracefully through the group of students currently converging on the path. Your gaze follows his disappearing figure, something longing and endlessly lovely in your expression.

Ah, Eric realizes, heart sinking slightly. You’re already in love.

The memory of a gaze glaring holes into his soul briefly flashes in his mind, causing Eric’s slightly dampened smile to curl into a light smirk. 

From the looks of it, the doe-eyed boy seems to be in love with you too.

Eric looks at you again. “I’m really sorry about that,” he says honestly. “I definitely shouldn’t have been skating in the hall, but I’m glad you aren’t hurt. I hope I haven’t made you late to class?”

You shake your head, smile now focused. You’ve returned to the present. “You’re good,” you reply, briefly checking your phone. “I’ve still got a few minutes.”

“Well, just the same, if you ever want payback in some form or another, just ask around for Eric Sohn.” Picking up his board, Eric flashes you a smile, wishing slightly that your longing gaze was fixed on him, not the dimpled boy who’s long since disappeared. “I can buy you a coffee or something to make up for it.”

“Might take you up on that one of these days,” you grin. “I’m Y/N. Wanna exchange numbers so I can leech that coffee off of you?”

Heart thumping wildly, fingers tapping quickly, Eric enters his number into your phone, saving himself as Eric Sohn 💙. He hopes you don’t mind the emoji.

“Blue heart?” you ask, raising an eyebrow as you take the phone back. “Not a red one?”

Can’t exactly do that when it’s clear you’re in love, he thinks, though he doesn’t say that out loud. “Nah.” He shrugs. “Figured that’d be too much. Need to get to know you a bit before I do anything more, right?”

A sweet, soft smile spreads across your lips, and Eric has to fight hard not to melt at it. “I appreciate that, Eric,” you say, pocketing your phone. The way you say his name blooms in Eric’s ears. “See you later, maybe?”

Eric knows he probably shouldn’t make judgements so quickly, but it’s hard not to believe in your sweetness with your kind voice and gentle smile. You deserve love, he decides in that moment, with the doe-eyed, dimpled boy who clearly loves you back.

Mentally, he puts a stamp of approval on the mission formulating in his brain as he nods. “See you,” he says, grinning.

Even if he isn’t the one you’ll fall in love with, he can at least help a new friend find their happiness.

. . .

~ kevin

Kevin thinks there’s a special place in hell for lovebirds who clearly like each other but won’t even consider the notion of actually talking and maybe going on a god damn date.

And there’s an extra-special little island in that ocean of fire for such lovebirds who have never spoken a single word to each other in their lives and have only communicated through stupid smiles and mushy eyes and worst of all, motherfucking mating dances.

Yes, that’s what he calls your tiptoe-tap dance-whatever-the-fuck-they-are dances with Changmin. You hit him the first time he said it out loud, but what else can he call it? There’s no other term that fits the situation nearly as well. It’s weird and strange like most mating dances are, and most importantly, the two of you are head over heels in love.

“We’re not in love!” you snap when Kevin brings it up. “How can we be in love if we haven’t even spoken once?”

Kevin nearly spits out his drink.

“You’re telling me,” he enunciates slowly once he’s recovered, “that you have never spoken to this guy, the same guy you were worrying about to me yesterday because you didn’t see him in the hall on schedule, not even once?”

When you nod yes, scowling in embarrassment, Kevin legitimately faceplants into the table. He stays there for several whole minutes, trying to digest the situation and the sheer idiocy of two of his closest friends.

Doesn’t matter. You’re clearly in love, or at least have a very hopeless, incurable crush on Ji Changmin. And if Changmin’s face is anything to go by, he’s head over heels for you too – Kevin’s never seen his friend with that big of a smile on his face or that sparkly of a look in his eyes.

He wants to vomit just thinking of it.

Okay, fine, so maybe some of this abhorrent disgust is due to the fact that Kevin is single and not exactly ready to mingle after several disastrous blind dates. Maybe some of his annoyance at your mating dances is unfounded. But in his defense, the two of you are stupid as fuck.

He’s in the middle of complaining about this mating dance phenomenon to his freshman friend, Eric Sohn, when Eric puts out a hand. “Wait, stop,” he says, halting Kevin mid-complaint. “Are you talking about Y/N and that… that guy, with, like, really round eyes and a dimple?”

Kevin’s eyes narrow. “How do you know them?”

“Well, uh, I accidentally crashed into Y/N on my board while they were doing…” Eric helplessly waves his arms around.

“The mating dance,” Kevin supplies.

“That’s a horrible name, Kevin.”

“It’s the closest thing that explains it.”

“Well, whatever.” Eric cringes. “I gave Y/N my number in case they wanted me to like, buy a coffee or something in exchange for nearly committing a murder. So that’s how I know them. Not sure of the other guy’s name, though.”

Kevin sighs. “Ji Changmin.”

“THAT’S CHANGMIN?”

“Shut up!” Kevin snaps. “Just let the whole dorm hear your screaming, won’t you?”

“Sorry,” Eric snips back, though more quietly this time. “But you all talk about how he’s scary as shit and always dancing? He wasn’t dancing when he walked off, and he looks like… I don’t know, a child? I thought he was a freshman.”

“Wait.” Kevin puts his hands on Eric’s shoulders. “You just said Changmin wasn’t dancing when he walked off?”

Eric slowly shakes his head. “I don’t think so?”

“Oh, my dude.” Kevin begins shaking Eric back and forth. Eric’s head wobbles on his neck for several seconds before he comes to his senses and knocks Kevin’s hands off of his shoulders, scowling. “Eric Sohn, you are fucked.”

“What?” Eric’s eyes immediately turn panicked. “Why?”

“Ji Changmin dances all the fucking time,” Kevin says, putting his head in his hands. How has Eric already fucked up this badly in his first year? Kevin’s a mess, but he can say he’s solidly a B-level mess, meaning he more or less has his social shit together, even if not his academia. “If he wasn’t dancing when he walked away, that means he was pissed off.”

A beat of silence. Then – “Would it help if I had a semi-sort-of plan to get him and Y/N together?”

Kevin’s head snaps up. So maybe Eric isn’t entirely clueless. “So you know they’re literally in love with each other?”

Eric rolls his eyes. “It’s so obvious,” he whines. “Why haven’t you even thought to play Cupid?”

“Because Y/N is stupid and won’t admit that they have feelings, and I haven’t talked to Changmin that much this semester because we have different classes,” Kevin groans. “They’re both so stupid.”

“Eh.” Eric gets a faraway look in his eyes. “It’s hard for a lot of people to realize they’re in love.”

Silence falls as Kevin tries to pin down the familiarly weird feeling his friend is exuding. Eric’s gaze stays faraway, fixed on some point in the metaphorical distance (he’s staring at a wall covered in tacky posters and random sketches – there’s no way he’s enamored with Kevin’s half-baked drawings of trees and scissors and shit).

He looks sad.

“Oh, Eric.” Kevin’s frustration falls away as he pulls the freshman into a hug. “You like Y/N, don’t you?”

Eric doesn’t even deny it, he’s so far past that. “It’s stupid, Kevin. I’ll get over it, I always do. It’s just a crush.”

Not for the first time in his life, Kevin wishes he had his friend’s maturity, even though he wouldn’t enjoy the root cause. Falling in love as easily as Eric does would be too hard for Kevin to deal with. “Eric Sohn, you are one of the most selfless people in the world,” he declares. “You don’t have to do this, you know? If it hurts, you don’t.”

“No, Y/N deserves love.” Eric puts his chin on Kevin’s shoulder. Kevin takes the opportunity to pat his head. “Changmin does, too, and I think they’ll find it together. God knows he was staring holes into my back while we were talking.”

Kevin thinks he’s going to melt. “You’re dumb as fuck,” he says fondly, laughing at Eric’s squawk of indignation, “but you’re sweet. Too sweet for your own good.”

“… Is that a compliment?”

“It’s whatever you want it to be.” Kevin pulls back from his friend. “Ready to play Cupid?”

Eric nods, sadness partially replaced with mischievous fire. Kevin will take that much for now. “Yeah!”

. . . . .

~ changmin

Changmin doesn’t expect to be punched in the gut when he’s going with Younghoon to get a stupid cup of coffee.

Okay, no one actually punches him. But it certainly feels that way when he sees you sitting with the skater boy kid who knocked into you the other day, talking at a table by the window.

Younghoon doesn’t notice at first, just goes up to the counter to order at the (overpriced) campus Starbucks. Changmin loiters nearby, waiting for Younghoon to get his drink and come over, all the while trying to not obviously stare at you and the other kid having an animated conversation just a few feet away.

“What’s with the pout?” Younghoon asks, trying unsuccessfully to scare Changmin with his sudden presence. His own lips turning down with his failed attempt, he follows Changmin’s gaze to the two students sitting by the windows.

“I’m not pouting,” Changmin says, pout deepening.

Younghoon nearly spills his coffee, he snorts so hard. “Sure,” he says. “I’ll just pretend you’re not moping over someone you’re head over heels for whose name you don’t even know.”

If Younghoon actually spills his coffee when Changmin elbows him in the ribs, no one can tell. The look he gives the taller boy is enough to silence him for the next half an hour, at least.

He tries to focus, he really does. Though the drinks are overpriced, Changmin won’t deny that the coffee-scented air of the Starbucks is pleasant. It’s mid-afternoon, a time when most students are in class, so it isn’t too loud, either. But despite all of this, Changmin can’t focus on psychology. His eyes keep drifting over to the table by the window, where your conversation still hasn’t ended.

“Ji Changmin.” Younghoon waves a hand in front of his face after his concentration wanes for the umpteenth time. “You came here to study.”

This time, Changmin doesn’t deny the pout that settles on his lips. “I know,” he says, genuinely upset now. He wants to focus and get this studying done, he really does, but he just can’t put his mind to it.

Younghoon sighs. “Why don’t you just try talking?” he asks, eyes flickering over to where you’re still chatting animatedly with the skater boy. God, it’s been at least half an hour – haven’t you finished your drink? Why aren’t you gone yet? Why are you still here, invisibly punching Changmin in the chest every time you smile at the skater kid?

The words slip out of Changmin’s mouth before he can stop them. “What if they’re dating?”

There’s a moment of silence. Then Changmin realizes just what he’s indirectly admitted to his best friend.

Fuck.

“Well, that’s the first step.” Younghoon reaches over and pats Changmin on his slumped head. “Admitting your feelings. Proud of you, Changmin.”

Scowling, he slaps the hand off his hair, ignoring Younghoon’s yelp of indignation. “Not funny,” he whines, putting his head back down. “What if they are?” God, he should’ve helped you up before that skater boy did, run over and given you a hand first. Now skater boy’s on a date with you and Changmin feels…

Oh, God.

He’s jealous.

Shame and embarrassment flood his face at the realization. This is gross, his mind wails. Why does he feel jealous over you, someone he’s never even spoken to? The only semblance of interest you’ve given him is your initiation of the sidewalk dance. And maybe your smile.

Changmin’s pout deepens impossibly further. Actually, you probably give your lovely smile to every person you meet. He isn’t special. In fact, he’s betting that the skater kid fell for your smile too, the smile that makes it feel like stars are raining around his feet.

“Hey, earth to Changmin?” Younghoon waves a hand in front of his face. “You good?”

“No,” he replies, burying his head in his textbook again. “Leave me alone to mope.”

Younghoon just snorts, pats his head, then goes quiet, presumably back to studying. Meanwhile, Changmin doesn’t even bother to make a pretense of looking at his book anymore. He just stares into darkness.

Feelings, he decides, fucking suck.

. . .

~ you

Eric, you come to find, is a really fun guy. He might be a little awkward, but he’s clearly got a warm heart, and with every second you spend with him, you find yourself feeling more and more comfortable in his presence. With him, an entire hour and a half pass in a flash before you check your phone and realize you have class in less than ten minutes.

“I’m so sorry,” you apologize, hastily putting your things together. “Time passed so quickly. I didn’t keep you from doing anything important, did I?”

He just waves a hand. “Don’t worry!” The bright smile that’s been gracing his face this entire time grows even wider. “I don’t have a lot on my plate at the moment. It was fun talking to you.”

“Me, too.” You push your chair in. “Let’s do this again sometime? I’ll buy my own coffee, though.”

Eric’s grin makes him look like a puppy. You have the irrational urge to pat his head and coo. “Of course! See you later, Y/N.”

“See you.” Waving once, you exit the café, ready to head off to class.

Just outside the building, though, something makes you linger. You feel weird, like someone’s staring. Quickly, you look back through the window of the Starbucks. Eric’s still there, talking to a tall boy in one corner, but he isn’t looking at you.

Your gaze shifts, and invisible heat floods your cheeks as Ji Changmin stares back from behind the glass, seated at a table at the far end of the café.

He’s wearing glasses today, you notice blankly. They’re round, frame his eyes perfectly, and make him look god damn adorable.

Your heart flutters.

For a moment, you just stand there, rooted in place. What do I do here? you think desperately. What are you supposed to do when you’ve never actually spoken to him, only exchanged greetings in the form of weird dance steps (if they can even be called that) and, well, smiles?

Oh. Smiles.

Those work, you guess.

Slowly, you curl the corners of your lips into what you hope is a grin. It grows wider as Changmin smiles back, eyes crinkling and teeth showing as he waves to you from inside the café.

Your mood, already lightened by your conversation with Eric, skyrockets impossibly as you wave back, mouth splitting into a grin that stretches from ear to ear.

God, since when did just seeing Ji Changmin make you feel this happy?

In a moment of heightened stupidity, you point up to your eyes, drawing circles with your fingers in a motion that you hope indicates glasses. Changmin points to the frames on his face, and you nod, hands forming two thumbs ups, which your unthinking brain hopes will convey the fact that you really like how he looks with them on.

It feels like it should be impossible for Changmin’s smile to get any wider, but it does. Through the window, you watch him clap a hand to his mouth shyly, shoulders shaking slightly as he presumably laughs. It makes you laugh, too, and you wave one more time before walking away.

Then what you did actually hits you, and like that first time you stepped in Changmin’s path, you put your face in your hands and cringe as hard as your body will allow.

You really did that, you scold yourself. You really made circles with your fingers and gave him fucking thumbs ups because you liked his glasses.

You’re a fucking moron.

. . .

~ eric

When Eric walks up to Changmin’s table to talk to his friend, he immediately reevaluates his entire opinion of the doe-eyed boy.

His face is buried in the textbook when Eric starts approaching (which, first of all, mood). However, when he gets closer, Changmin lifts his head out of the pages and fixes him with the deadliest, pointiest glare that Eric has ever faced in his life.

Eric now sees why Kevin calls Changmin scary as fuck. The stare he gave when Eric crashed into you was nothing compared to this.

His eyes feel like daggers slowly slicing into Eric’s skin.

“Um.” Eric stops a couple feet away from the table Changmin’s sharing with the friend he needs to talk to. The friend looks up curiously, and Eric seizes the chance. “Can I, uh, talk to you? For a second?” he asks, desperately hoping they can get away from Changmin’s glare as soon as possible. “Please?”

The friend blinks once, then nods. “Be back in a minute, Changmin,” he says, about to stand up.

“Why can’t you talk to him here?”

Oh, God. If Eric wasn’t ready for the whiplash that came with seeing Changmin’s soft features versus his sharp glare, he really wasn’t ready for the soft tones of his voice contrasting with the venom blended in. Everything about Changmin, at first glance, screams innocence and sweetness.

What the fuck goes on behind that exterior?

“Um,” Eric stalls, desperately trying to think of an excuse. “I –”

“Don’t be rude, Changmin,” the friend cuts through smoothly, standing up. Eric immediately feels dwarfed by this guy’s long legs, but he doesn’t care as much as he normally might because he’s so glad he’s getting rescued. “Let’s go.”

The Starbucks isn’t large, but Eric follows the friend to a far corner, away from the table. Once they’re there, he clears his throat. “Um –”

“Are you dating them?” the tall guy interrupts. “The one you were here with before?”

Once the question settles in, Eric starts shaking his head violently. “No, no, I’m not. No. I just – well, I slammed into Y/N on my board, so I offered to buy coffee for us sometime to make up for it?” He tries to smile. “Not dating.”

“Oh, thank God.” The friend rubs his forehead. “Changmin was going to have an aneurysm.”

Well, that confirms that his near-death at the eyes of Ji Changmin wasn’t in vain. Relief and sadness run through Eric’s brain at the confirmation that yes, Changmin is head over heels for you. “Yeah, uh, I was actually going to ask about that.” He swallows. “Are you and Changmin close friends?”

A curious look. “Yeah, you could say that. Why?”

“Well, I don’t know if you know Kevin Moon, but he’s sick of watching Y/N and Changmin pine over each other without bothering to make a move,” Eric rushes out. He can still feel Changmin’s gaze boring holes into his skin. “But Kevin doesn’t have classes with Changmin this semester and he definitely hates my guts, so…” He sighs. God, this is harder than he thought it’d be. “Basically, are you tired of watching them pine, and do you have the time and energy to play Cupid with us?”

For a moment, Changmin’s friend just stands there, staring him right in the eyes Eric. Then a smirk spreads over his face. “Of course I do,” he says, now grinning like a god damn maniac. “Count me in.”

A breath of relief rushes out of Eric’s lips. “Thank God,” he mumbles. “Give me your number. We start plotting this weekend.”

His phone comes back to him with a new contact named Kim Younghoon in it. “Why are you doing this, anyway?” Changmin’s friend – Younghoon – asks as Eric puts the phone away. “What’s in it for you? Didn’t you only meet Y/N when you crashed?”

“Their pining is disgustingly obvious,” Eric says matter of factly. “I’ve been Kevin’s friend for years, and now I’m also Y/N’s. Why not alleviate both of their pain by getting them together?”

Younghoon looks at Eric, almost like he’s appraising him. Eric feels kind of like a bug under a microscope and he’s absolutely sure this tall guy is going to take back his agreement and call him weird before he suddenly smiles widely. “You’re cool,” Younghoon declares as though he’s just made a scientific discovery to rival Einstein’s photoelectric effect. “Looking forward to... whatever this is.”

With that, Eric ducks out of the café as fast as possible, leaving the smell of coffee and (thankfully) Changmin’s burning stares behind. Once outside, he pulls out his phone again and creates a group chat.

To: schemerz

Eric: younghoon and kevin say hi to each other

Kevin: hi younghoon

Younghoon: hi kevin

Step one of operation cupid is complete. Eric grins.

Eric: pack your bags boyz we begin scheming tomorrow

Younghoon: why do we need to pack bags

Younghoon: are we going somewhere

Okay, well, maybe this will take some time, Eric thinks, looking at Younghoon’s texts. But it can’t be that bad. You and Changmin are so obviously crushing on each other. It won’t take too much work to make get you two together, will it?

. . . . .

~ younghoon

Younghoon genuinely never knew that trying to get his best friend together with the person he likes could be this infuriating.

It’s not only that he has to continually reassure Changmin that no, skater boy – whose name is Eric Sohn, stop calling him skater boy, I can hear the “derogatory” even if you don’t say it out loud, Changmin – is not dating you, yes, he heard it with his own two ears, and yes, Eric said it with his own words. Saying this over and over, honestly, is annoying enough. Younghoon can deal with that, though. It’s just a product of Changmin’s own insecurity and lovesickness, nothing that he can control.

But actually trying to set the two of you up?

Torture.

They first devise a stroll at the mall, just to get you two to actually maybe talk. Kevin demands that this plan be put first because he cannot stop screaming over the fact that the two of you are so whipped but haven’t spoken a single word to each other ever.

Which, honestly, same. But at least Younghoon doesn’t yell about it in the group chat.

(Sometimes, looking at all of the capital letters in Kevin’s messages gives him a headache.)

The plan is to invite both you and Changmin to the mall, then ditch so the two of you will maybe actually exchange a few words with each other by the end of the day. It’s going pretty well – both of you have agreed to go, completely unaware that the other is showing up – but then you have to cancel because of a sudden quiz you need to study for the next day.

Well, fine. Younghoon just ends up shopping with Changmin for the entire afternoon (Eric still ditches for obvious reasons – cough, Changmin, cough – and Kevin has to study for the same quiz, which he curses about endlessly in the group chat for an entire day). Not a big deal. Younghoon likes clothes, and against his better judgement, he likes Changmin.

So no harm done. Besides, there’s always next time, right?

Wrong.

The university dance team has a concert coming up that Kevin begs you to go to, all under the guise of supposedly supporting one of his friends, Juyeon. When you show up at the venue, Younghoon can still tell you’re confused over why you’re there – you don’t really know Juyeon, he hears you hiss to Kevin, so what’s going on? – but you seem nice enough. Friendly enough. Younghoon likes you immediately. 

This plan isn’t as straightforward as the mall-ditching one. A certain Ji Changmin is one of the best dancers on the team, so he has his own solo halfway through the show. Younghoon proposes that Kevin force you to show up so you can melt over Changmin’s performance and either profess your love right then and there (which is the ideal case) or at least compliment the dancer on his skills. Either way, it gets the two of you to talk.

So, suffice to say, Younghoon is pissed when his well thought-out, perfectly structured plan falls apart when you have to leave before the end of the entire show because your roommate needs you to do something or the other that is somehow more important than you confessing your undying love for Changmin.

(Nothing, he complains later in the group chat, could be more important than that. Not even your roommate nearly setting the whole dorm on fire. Eric might beg to disagree, but Younghoon will just tell him to beg.)

Well, it kind of works out. Your roommate’s fuckup doesn’t happen until after Changmin’s performance, and Younghoon gets a front row seat to your jaw literally dropping when he comes onstage and starts dancing the way his dance major body always does. Younghoon legitimately thinks he could pick stars out of your eyes, the way you’re staring at Changmin. And even though you have a hand over your mouth, he can easily tell you’re smiling like no tomorrow.

So Younghoon gets the satisfaction of both seeing your reaction to Changmin’s performance and telling Changmin that his crush watched him dance. The wave of shock that immediately crawls up his best friend’s face makes Younghoon want to cackle and shake his head at the same time. It gets even better when Younghoon relates the look on your face as you watched and the compliments you told him to pass on.

Changmin has never smiled that widely or that shyly, ever. As his best friend since childhood, Younghoon will attest to that. It’s amazing and offensive and slightly gross.

God, Changmin’s whipped.

But this small success doesn’t make up for half of the entire plan that failed. You and Changmin still didn’t talk, after all, even if you fell even deeper in disgusting love. So Kevin advocates for a return to the simple method of making plans and ditching.

This time, it’s a movie that the schemer line (hey, Younghoon came up with that name – he thinks it’s a damn sight better than Kevin’s “The Boyz,” regardless of what the younger boy says) plans to ditch you two at. Kevin suggests horror, mainly because he’s not going to be there to watch it, but also because of the ages-old cliché where you’ll probably get scared and hold Changmin’s hand or some shit.

(Younghoon knows it won’t be the other way around not because of some sexist idiocy, but because Changmin laughs at possession and ghosts and keeps horror movie masks in his room to scare his friends with. He thinks Annabelle and Chucky are cute. Worst case scenario, you happen to enjoy horror too, and the two of you bond over your weird interests. Which isn’t even a worst case scenario, because you two will talk, and that’s the whole point of the plan.)

They really think it’s going to work this time. Kevin reports you arriving on time to the theater and immediately runs off so you won’t see him and start asking questions like why he’s hiding behind the potted bushes outside a nearby bistro. Younghoon and Eric wait with bated breath at the campus café for any last-minute updates before Kevin gets back.

When Kevin actually shows up at the café, having taken the bus back from the theater, they’re about to celebrate a plan finally completed. Younghoon thinks he’s going to start screaming from relief.

Then a text shows up on Kevin’s phone from you, asking why he never showed up.

Panic.

When they finally get their minds together, Kevin rattles something off about a family emergency and a call he had to take, which gets you off his back for a bit. But then he asks if you actually went to see the movie anyway.

It turns out you left fifteen minutes later when no one showed up.

No one.

Meaning Changmin never got there either.

Eric slams his head on the table. Kevin looks like he’s about to explode. Younghoon himself is about to throw his drink at something when he gets a text from Changmin mere minutes later, asking where he is and why no one’s at the theater.

breadhoon: it’s so late?? why didn’t you text earlier??

qminnie: the bus was late :/// why isn’t anyone here? I know it’s not just because the theater is dark, I walked around all the seats and couldn’t find you or kevin

Kevin starts screaming.

As Eric’s shoving a yelling Kevin out of the café and apologizing to the baristas, Younghoon just fires off a quick excuse to Changmin, who’s apparently still at the theater – I’m really sorry, my dad called about something and it ran super late, just watch the movie and let me know how it is – all the while internally screaming as loudly as Kevin physically is in this moment.

Later that evening, Kevin texts the group chat with the question on all of their minds.

moon boy: how is it that all of our plans fucking failed

Younghoon just wants to jump off the top of his dorm building.

It turns out that Eric, despite being the youngest of the three of them, has the most brain cells. He proposes something so simple but with the potential to be so effective that it blows Younghoon’s mind.

“Well, if ditching them to be alone doesn’t work, we might as well just be there,” he reasons over morning cups of coffee (courtesy of Kevin, who lost rock paper scissors and is still pouting over it). “Someone throws a party, we all show up, and we can play, like, mafia. Or truth or dare or whatever. That’ll get them to interact, probably.”

It’s a beautiful plan. Younghoon hugs the younger boy and proclaims him the smartest freshman he’s ever met (“I’m pretty sure I’m the only freshman you’ve talked to this year, Younghoon.”). Kevin praises the higher beings for the seven tenths of a working brain cell that Eric holds.

They work out the details quickly. Sangyeon will host the party – he holds one every other month anyway, so it won’t be too much trouble to let him know what’s going on. Besides, his parties are usually pretty controlled, so less risk of someone doing something illegal and freaking everyone out. Younghoon, of course, will bring Changmin. Kevin will bring you and Eric. In turn, Eric says he’s going to bring his friend, Sunwoo, because, quote unquote, “I need a freshman to keep me sane after dealing with you messes of upperclassmen.”

(Well. He has a point. Younghoon may look put together, but the only things that register in his thoughts most of the time are anime and bread. Kevin doesn’t even bother looking put together, which only speaks volumes about his level of brain chaos.)

“If this doesn’t work,” Kevin declares the moment they finish hashing out the plan, “I’m going to drown myself in one of the fountains.”

“It will work,” Eric says, determined. “It has to.”

Younghoon doesn’t say anything. All of their past failures have taught him to keep his mouth shut. However, if this plan fails, he’ll gladly jump into a fountain with Kevin and inhale water up his nose.

. . . . .

~ you

“You’re not going to ditch me, are you?” you ask for the umpteenth time, narrowing your eyes once more at your (now exasperated) friend.

“No,” Kevin groans, rubbing his temples. “I’m not going to ditch you, and for the last time, there were emergencies, okay?”

You want to give them the benefit of the doubt, you really do. Especially Eric – there’s no way he would do anything malicious to you on purpose (meanwhile, if Kevin was mad enough, he just might), he’s just too sweet. But first Kevin dragged you to this dance show that you’ve never been to before, which was weird enough, and the timing for that last movie cancellation was too coincidental to not be suspicious. If it was just him cancelling, you might not question it, but none of the three showed up.

Kevin’s planning something, probably with Eric and Younghoon. You just don’t know what.

“Uh huh.” You make sure to show your disbelief in those two words as you walk up the steps to Sangyeon’s house. “Damn, it’s been a long time since I’ve been here.”

“It’s so big,” Eric says from behind where he’s finally caught up to you two. His friend, Sunwoo, lingers quietly at his side, though his wide eyes betray his amazement.

“I always forget how big this place is,” Kevin agrees, ringing the doorbell. “Just stay on the ground floor, though, it’s not too bad. And watch your drinks. Sangyeon’s parties are usually pretty chill, but anything could happen.”

You snort. “Yes, Mom,” you mock, just as the host himself opens the door. “Hey, Sangyeon!”

“Y/N!” He pulls you and Kevin in for a short hug, then smiles at the visibly nervous freshmen standing behind you two. “Oh, hi! You must be Eric and Sunwoo, right?”

They just nod, still awed. Kevin stifles a snort as your lips curl into a fond smile – it’s weird to remember that you used to be a freshman just like them,. There isn’t much more time to think, though, because Sangyeon quickly ushers the four of you inside and all of your thoughts drown in the party’s chaos.

A couple of hours pass in mind-numbing peace. Kevin mixes you an atrocious cocktail that you pour down the sink when he isn’t looking. You watch Jacob shake his hips on the dance floor while Kevin twerks to Beyoncé. Even Eric and Sunwoo, who were originally just hovering around you, loosen up after a shot or two and find someone else they know to talk to, a freshman whose name you’re pretty sure is Hyunjoon.

Things are going well, you think in your tipsy haze. No one’s thrown up yet, no one’s passed out (well, Felix looks pretty sleepy, but he’s a sleepy drunk – how much Jisung already managed to give him to drink, you aren’t sure), and best of all, no one’s done anything stupid that’ll go viral on the school’s Snapchat. This is nice.

Then Kevin grabs you by the wrist, done twerking, and hollers unintelligible words in your ear as he drags you to the edge of the dance floor. He says more, but all you catch is “watch” and a yelled “YOUNG BOON.” Or something like that. 

Confused, you just try not to spill your drink as Kevin pushes you through the crowd that’s forming in the living room. There’s a lot of yelling and cheering as the music changes, and then someone gets pushed to the middle of the dance floor.

A hand flies to your mouth.

It’s Changmin.

“Kevin,” you hiss. “Kevin! That’s Changmin!”

Even drunk, your friend manages to give you the most judgmental look you’ve ever seen. “No shit, Sherlock,” he snaps. “Just watch!”

For a moment, Changmin just stands in the middle of the circle that’s formed, eyes wide and doe-like (and absolutely fucking adorable, even under the red lighting). Then something in him shifts – it nearly gives you whiplash – and the dancer Changmin you saw that day Kevin dragged you to the concert comes out in full force.

It’s short, his performance, much shorter than the five-minute long solo he had at the concert. But holy fuck, it’s explosive. Even the smallest flicks of his fingers seem to send off sparks of light, red glinting off his face and the buttons on his shirt.

He has you captivated, so much so that you don’t register Kevin shifting until he’s positioned almost directly behind you. Changmin’s dance is winding down, a softer look coming back into his previously focused eyes, and everyone’s cheering and starting to clap before a harsh shove sends you sprawling forward.

For a moment, you stand right in front of Changmin, eyes undoubtedly wide with confusion as the situation filters through your muddled brain. Embarrassment begins to spread through your body as people begin to chant, “DANCE! DANCE! DANCE!”

Fuck. 

This must have been Kevin’s plan.

Whipping your head around, you try to find and glare at your friend (you’re seriously rethinking that title), but he’s already disappeared. You then try to shrink back into the crowd, but they don’t let you. Someone plucks the cup from your hand, erasing your last excuse for leaving the circle of screaming partygoers as you look around desperately for a way out.

Then a hand extends into your vision, fingers twitching in a gesture you’ve come to associate with a certain person at a certain time at a certain place, two ten p.m. on Mondays and Wednesdays just inside the literature building.

Slowly, you look up to see Changmin shyly smiling back, eyes glinting in the way you’ve come to (not so) secretly adore.

A grin unconsciously spreads across your face as he launches back into his dance, more laid-back and flowy this time, much like the moonwalks he does down the halls at school. Almost on instinct, you lurch into his space, barely managing to brush over his foot as he nimbly steps away.

On a normal day, the dance you do is already messy and weird to passersby – you’ve made your way onto at least one of the university Snapchat stories already – so you can’t imagine how this looks in the moment. It must seem so uncoordinated, especially with your limbs loose with alcohol (Changmin still moves as steadily as ever, what the fuck) and the fact that you can’t really see where you’re stepping in the dim red light of the room. But it doesn’t matter – Changmin’s grinning so widely and you’re laughing, really laughing, loud enough to overpower what you think is Kevin’s yelling (it sounds something like “WHY ARE YOU DOING YOUR FUCKING MATING DANCE AND NOT DANCING LIKE A NORMAL PERSON?”, so it must be him), and everyone’s cheering and clapping and even though you can see a few phones being pulled out, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t fucking matter. All that matters is your fingers brushing against Changmin’s, his laugh ringing in your ear, and the smiles on your faces until –

Until Changmin grabs your outstretched hand, tangling his fingers in yours, and encircles your waist with his free hand before dipping you down until his face hovers just a foot above yours.

Someone’s screaming, someone that definitely sounds like Kevin, but you can’t process it. Everything feels like you’re underwater – muffled, blurred, indecipherable. All you can think of is how fast your heart is beating, how hot your face feels, and how intensely Changmin is staring into your eyes.

Holy shit.

You can barely breathe.

When Changmin eventually lets you up to screams and hoots, your knees almost buckle. If not for his fingers still entangled in yours, you probably would’ve collapsed, but he seems to sense this and grips your hand even tighter.

The smile can’t leave your face, even though it turns smaller and shyer as the crowd disperses and you’re left holding Changmin’s hand for no reason. You should let go, probably, but you don’t want to, and Changmin doesn’t seem uncomfortable with it either. Still, the physical link between you two only grows more and more obvious as the two of you stand in silence, unable or unwilling to speak.

Changmin finally breaks it. “Hi,” he says in this voice that legitimately makes you want to crumble into the ground. It’s soft, it’s sweet, it’s something entirely uncharacteristic yet at the same time so fitting for the boy who just danced his heart out on Sangyeon’s living room floor. “I’m Changmin.”

Your voice leaves you, and the minute you take to find it feels like an eternity. These are your first words to him, your mind screams – don’t say anything stupid!

Staring into his sparkling doe eyes, you swallow hard before saying your first words to the boy who may or may not have already stolen your heart.

“Hi,” you say, smile threatening to grow even wider, wide enough to split your face. “I’m Y/N.”

. . .

~ changmin

He’s only heard three words from you, but Changmin thinks he could drown in your voice. It’s lovely, smooth in a way that flows over his body like warm spring rain. Willingly, he would stand under the shower of your gentle tones, putting his face to the sky and letting your words wash over him, soothing his skin.

Vaguely, his mind tells him that it’s way too early to start waxing poetic about your voice. You’ve only spoken three words to him, for fuck’s sake – what is he even doing?

A whisper that sounds suspiciously like Younghoon floats through his brain. You’re whipped.

Well. He just might be.

“Isn’t this kind of weird?” you suddenly say, jerking Changmin out of his you-induced haze. The smile on your face is a little embarrassed, now, and he catches you glancing at your fingers still linked with his. Briefly, he wonders if he should let go – he’s the one who first grabbed your hand, after all, what if you’re uncomfortable? – but you don’t seem to hate it. If anything, your smile grows a little shyer.

Changmin may think horror movie dolls are cute, but your smile is even cuter. He might melt right then and there.

Belatedly, he realizes you’re looking at him, waiting for a response. “Um – weird?” he replies, praying that his voice doesn’t crack.

(It doesn’t, not this time. Thank the lord.)

You look down again, this time at your feet. Probably out of embarrassment. “I mean,” you say, silvery voice tickling Changmin’s ears, “we’ve been interacting for at least several months.” The full force of your smile hits Changmin as you raise your head. “But we’ve barely spoken a word to each other.” When you laugh, he hears bells. “Isn’t that strange?”

“Well, when you put it that way, yeah.” Changmin giggles (yes, he fucking giggles, what the hell, why can’t he sound any cooler than he really is?). “But I think it was lucky. Well, I think I was lucky to meet you.”

He wasn’t supposed to say that out loud. He wasn’t fucking supposed to say that – what’s wrong with him? He used to be so good at watching his words – but at least, despite his embarrassment at having revealed this part of him, he gets to see you flustered. It’s adorable, he thinks, so much more adorable than anything else in the world. “How come you, um, stepped in my way that first time?” he asks, genuinely curious.

Changmin doesn’t expect the embarrassed snort that comes out of your mouth, but it makes him laugh. “You know that meme, the one where it’s like ‘why are you doing this?’ and your brain just says ‘you gotta?’” Rolling your eyes slightly, you snicker. “That’s what went through my mind. You never bump into anyone, so, well, someone had to try to mess you up.”

Changmin’s going to print a hundred copies of that meme and tape them all over his dorm. He will never be so grateful for a stinking Internet horcrux in his entire life.

Well, okay, he’s probably exaggerating. But still.

“That’s mean,” he says, purposely pouting his lips. “Why would you want to mess me up?”

You elbow his ribs, giggling. “Someone has to bring the king down at some point.”

Changmin’s about to take advantage of his current burst of confidence to respond to that – “You think I’m the king?” – and possibly fluster you even more, but someone’s yelling “LOVEBIRDS!” in a voice that sounds a little too much like Kevin’s. Both of you turn around instinctively, which probably only fuels the lovebird fire (though Changmin can’t bring himself to care at the moment).

“WE’RE PLAYING MAFIA!” someone else – is that Jaehyun? Probably – yells. “GET OVER HERE!”

“Mafia?” you repeat, raising an eyebrow. “That…”

Changmin can hear the exasperated apprehension in your voice. He hears it in his own whenever his friend group gets together to play the game. “Let’s just see what happens,” he suggests, trying hard not to melt when you look over at him. “Someone might do something stupid?”

Your laughter sounds like sparkles, wind chimes twinkling in the breeze. Changmin wonders what he wouldn’t give to hear it for the rest of his life. “You’re right, you’re right.” Glancing once more (and smiling a little wider) at your still-linked hands, you jerk your head in your friends’ direction. “Shall we?”

As he nods, Changmin privately thinks that there’s nothing in the world that could dissuade him from following you.

If you enjoyed, please don’t forget to reblog and leave a comment to tell me what you thought! Thank you for reading and have a lovely day <3

(1 reblog = 1 prayer for this stupid oblivious couple GOD)

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[lord-explosion-baku]

Our Love Is God pt. 2

Dabi x Reader

Warnings: mentions of noncon/somnophilia, abortion, dark themes, yandere characteristics, dabi just being a rat tbh

A/N: so like I said that I’d get back to this fic when I got bored or other, more important things were a drag to write and, well, I got bored/other,more important things were a drag to write. TW for talk of abortion. Dabi doesn’t take things lightly and thinks certain things that may make anybody who has had an abortion or has deep feelings about abortion either really guilty or really angry, but that’s not the point. The point of this fic is that he’s a bastard and not a savior. This is pretty short! And yes I plan on writing more, but that’s when I get bored or other, more important things are a drag to write!

Dabi found himself panting when he finally lifted himself up onto your balcony. It had been, what, almost two months since he’d last snuck into your room? Too long, but you hadn’t called him, and he had been busy to see what the hell was up with you. Now he had a couple days to himself, and he couldn’t shake the pestering feeling of wanting to spend them with you.

The door to your balcony was unlocked, thank god; he really didn’t want to have to burn the knob off—why make a reason for you to get pissed at him already? Dabi smirked. You were fucking cute when you were angry, but he wanted his return to be at least a little pleasant.

Unsurprisingly, you were passed out underneath that ugly-ass, pink canopy, snoozing away peacefully and unexpecting. Your bed was built for a princess, but with you sprawled out on your back with your arms splayed apart, your tank-top rising up to expose your soft belly, and your blanket tossed down so only one of your feet were covered, you looked nothing short of a cavewoman. Still hot though, and Dabi missed you.

That was it. Dabi missed you. He never really expected to miss anybody he fucked. He made plenty of girls mad in the past, so when you last kicked him out, it shouldn’t have been any different. He’d gotten used to a routine: sleep with some chick, piss her off, do crime, then forget about her. But since the night you’d kicked him out, he couldn’t get your bratty fucking face out of his damn mind. Was it that you were stubborn? Or was it that you came across as such a lil do-gooder, daddy’s favorite princess and all that bullshit, when you were really just a filthy slut on the inside?

“What is it about you that makes me crazy, baby?” Dabi asked aloud, tracing a finger up from the hemline of your pajama shorts to your bare ribs. He watched goosebumps appear on your tummy and flattened them out with the palm of his hand.

Your only response was a soft snore. Dabi scoffed.

The first time he fucked you, you had been asleep. Or at least, you were asleep when he began. He visited you a couple nights after he and Twice tried to loot your father’s safe. He’d thought you were a cute little shit, and just wanted to see your frightened face again. He climbed in through the balcony and found you asleep in your bed like you were now, only you were laying on your stomach. After sniffing around your room a little, he couldn’t help but crawl into your bed. He wanted to hear you scream, but you stayed asleep, even when Dabi’s hands inevitably started exploring your body.

Dabi couldn’t forget how deliciously wrong it felt to pet your pert little ass while you slept, how exciting it was to rub a knuckle over your clothed slit, how incredibly hot it was for you to cry out when he plunged two fingers into your sopping wet pussy. Yes, you cried, but you also moaned, and Dabi felt you clench around his fingers when he wrapped his free hand around your neck, pulled you back, and whispered to you, “I’m gonna fuck you, and you’re gonna love it, babydoll.”

Dabi made good on that promise that night. You took him so well, and it really didn’t take him all that long to get you to sing for him. You liked being taken advantage of, and Dabi learned that the more aggressive he was with you, the easier it was to make you cum. And oh, baby girl, it was just too easy to make you cum.

He was hard now, and he wanted to fuck you, but he wouldn’t. Even though you snored, there was something peaceful about watching you sleep. Of course, that didn’t stop him from palming your breasts, if only just to see your nipples pop against your tank top.

“Why haven’t you texted, huh? Was I really all that bad to you?” Dabi’s voice was soft against your neck as he placed gentle kisses along your warm flesh. He nuzzled his nose behind your ear and inhaled deeply, taking in the aroma of your washed hair. “You know I could be real good to you if that’s all you want from me…”

Calloused fingers brushed across flowery lips, the vast contrast between him and you burning a hole into his chest. He leaned over to see your mouth part subtly, invitingly. Dabi took the initiative and planted a light kiss on you. He whispered, “there’s no way you haven’t missed me a tiny bit.”

At this, you hummed, and Dabi felt tension melt from his shoulders. That was an affirmation if he’d ever heard one, which gave him permission to run both of his hands down your sides to take their sharpened places at your hips. He pulled you against his hardened groin and let himself grind his strain courteously into you.

“You know how hot you are, babe? You know how much I missed having you wrap around my cock?” God, he wanted you. He wanted to be inside of you. He wanted to kiss you, and mark you, and love you, and-

You let out a little, “uhh,” from the very back of your throat. Dabi could have damn well nearly melted into you from that tiny noise. He could only imagine what squeaks and squeals you had saved up from him when you woke up.

For a moment, he thought that he would break his resolve to not fuck you—you wanted him to anyhow—and honestly, he probably would have, had it not been for your phone lighting up, snapping his attention to your side table. It buzzed twice, which he could have ignored, and then two more times, which made Dabi grab it, reading the I.D. tag, ‘Daddy.’

Dabi scoffed and used your thumb to unlock your phone. He found that it was your father that texted you, asking about a visit to the doctor’s you made. Dabi kicked back on your bed and decided to dive into the depths of your phone, check your social media PM’s, calls you’d made, etcetera.

There were quite a few messages from boys in there. Some of them were coming on to you, others were asking when they’d see you again. Dabi’s jaw clenched when he read those messages, but he was pleased to see that you’d left all those jagoffs on read, even the ones who were more persistent. Dabi would be lying if he said he didn’t go out and sleep with a couple chicks while you were there ignoring him. You couldn’t blame him. He was a man with needs. But he never called them again. None of them mattered like you mattered, and by the look of things, it seemed like you felt the same way.

Dabi checked your photo album, finding nothing more interesting than the racey selfies you took of yourself, probably trying to feel good about yourself (Dabi sent those pictures to his own phone, before deleting the evidence). Then he went to your search history, smirking at the very specific websites you visited.

“You’re absolutely filthy,” he chuckled in the middle of watching a video you seemed to frequently visit. He couldn’t wait to try this out on you—a little make up sex surprise. In response, you turned in bed, throwing your arm around Dabi’s lap, your elbow just a few centimeters from his erection. Dabi frowned down at you, and clicked out of the video, knowing that it was just gonna spur him on. He decided to look back to see what you searched when you’d last saw him—see if you looked up anything close to ‘sex with a villain’ or the like. But he didn’t find that. What he found was weird. What he found made a pit form in the bottom of his stomach.

‘how to deal with heartbreak’ first caught his eye. Dabi thought that this could have been about him but this was about seven weeks after he’d last seen you. As he kept scrolling, it only got worse.

‘depressed after termination’

‘how to stop the pain without taking medications’

‘best ways to clean blood off of linens’

‘discrete doctors near azabu’

‘should i tell the guy im not dating about pregnancy?’

‘is there anything i can eat to not be oregano?’ (Dabi couldn’t even sneer at ‘oregano.’)

‘top 10 signs you are pregnant’

Dabi’s chest constricted. He nearly dropped the phone on your arm, but that would definitely wake you the hell up. “Pregnant?” He whispered out loud. It only made sense. Dabi never wrapped himself up with you like he did with other girls. There was something so fucking dirty about you taking him raw when he knew you didn’t want to. He knew you were clean because you didn’t fuck around—at least, not before him, which made his frown deepen.

Fuck. Despite the unusual shattered feeling Dabi felt deep in the pit of his stomach, he was still so fucking hot for you. He turned you over so that you were on your back again so he could examine your belly. He kissed you below your navel, wondering that if you hadn’t been ‘depressed after termination’ would there already be a little bump there?

There was a brief flash of a little hand pressing against the swollen stomach of a white haired woman, but Dabi quickly shook that memory away.

“Why, babe?” Dabi kissed your stomach again. Seriously, why? Did you think Dabi would be a shit dad? He probably would be! But he’d still be a dad, if he were raising a kid with you. Did you not know that? And it wasn’t like you didn’t have the funds to raise a healthy child with everything it could ever want and more! You were a spoiled brat and you would’ve raised an equally spoiled brat, and Dabi would’ve loved the hell out of the kid! What the fuck?!

Dabi’s mental fit was interrupted from a little bleep! chiming from your phone. It was from Snapchat, of course, because you were a little social media whore. Not even caring how it could look once you woke up, Dabi opened the snap to see a picture of city lights taken from high above with a little tag that read, ‘wish you were here.’ The user who sent it was nicknamed ‘K’ and their username was something indecipherable. Probably just another one of your rich-bitch friends, showing off the view from their penthouse apartment.

Dabi discarded your phone on your bed and brushed his hands through his spiky hair, cursing softly. He decided to leave then. He needed time to think and reflect. He’d have to bring this up to you sooner or later...if not, he’d figure out a way to work himself back into your life. You probably hadn’t called because you were feeling guilty, rightfully so. That didn’t mean he didn’t want to have you anymore. In fact, he wanted you more than ever before.

Jumping out of your window, Dabi decided then and there that he’d be back. He’d make you talk. And he figured that if he could get you pregnant once, he sure as hell could do it again. Easy peasy. He’d have you calling him daddy again in no time.

TAGS FOR EVERYTHING (CLOSED): @ayeputita @yandere-inamorata @dee-madwriter @unboundbnha @rizamendoza808, @lemonlordleah-shinzawa-kitten @rubycubix​ @zellllyyyy​@sarcastictextstuck@kpanime @captain-sin-allmight-queen @psionicsnow@wickedlewicked @ghost-of-todoroki @kattariapenn@im-an-adult-sometimes @bnhya @local-senpai@eggpienutbuttercroissant@usernamekate94 @reyvenclaww @hi-ho-and-hello

#dabi x reader #touya todoroki x reader #touya x reader #bnha x reader #yandere x reader #yandere bnha #bnha yandere #reader insert #bnha reader insert #x reader #yandere!dabi #yandere!dabi x reader #olig

[negasonicteenagemess]

Slippery Slope || peter parker imagine

Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader

Word Count: 2.5k

Request: hey :) so could you write something where read and peter are dating and it’s either summer break or christmas break or something and reader goes on a family vacation where brad is (he doesn’t know her and brad are cousins) and he gets super sad and jealous and when he sees snaps of them together so when she gets back he’s like ignoring her until she snaps and is like peter wtf and he accuses her of cheating w her cousin and it’s like a funny wtf moment

hi... sorry for not posting in like five months. I haven’t really been in a peter vibe and i think i accidentally turned into a theater kid because I listen to musicals now

masterlist

Peter sat on his bed, bored out of his mind as he absentmindedly scrolled through his phone. YouTube, Instagram, Twitter, you name it, Peter was on it. He bit his lip going back to his messages again to see whether or not Y/N had sent a text that he missed. When he opened their messages, he wasn’t surprised when he noticed the lack of a response from her as she is on vacation after all. She went all the way to New Jersey for some family thing. If Peter was being honest, he wasn’t really listening.

He groaned in annoyance, closing the app and tapping on Snapchat. Sighing, he swiped over to where his friends’ stories were, Y/N’s being the first in his line of site. He quirked his eyebrow, curious as to why his girlfriend can’t text him but has time to post on her story.

He tapped on the small icon above her name to see a picture of Y/N…and Brad together at the beach. “What!” He yelped sitting up, looking at his phone as if he saw some unearthly entity, again.

Why the hell was she with Brad at the beach? He wondered what was going on as he got a notification. His phone dinged, finally receiving a text from Y/N that read, “I’ve been at the beach all dayyy what’ve you been up to? :)”

Peter scoffed, locking his phone and hopping out of his bed to practically throw his suit on. He shook his head as he pulled the infamous red mask over his head, flattening his curls in the process. He glanced over at the backpack on his desk chair already prepped for school starting in almost a week. Shaking his head and dreading the thought of having to see Brad with Y/N again, Peter jumped out his window ready to help the citizens of New York once again.

Y/N returned home the Sunday before her first day of school. Like every high school student, she was cramming all of her summer homework into that afternoon with the thought of her boyfriend not speaking to her for a week. Six months of talking to each other nearly every day halted last week, and Y/N had no idea why.

She just wanted everything to go back to normal as she had no idea why Peter was ignoring her. She went to her messages, immediately tapping on Peter’s name. All of the messages she had sent in the past week had no replies other than the small ‘read’ under her words. She bit her lip, nervously typing a response yet again.

‘hey peter. I hate not talking to you. I’m sorry if I upset you or something. please call me, I miss you’

Y/N read over the message recognizing how pathetic it must have sounded but disregarded that as she knew that feeling didn’t compare to losing her boyfriend while she pressed the send button. Anxiously waiting for a response, all she could do was look at the message and wait for a response. Minutes passed and Y/N saw the small word that made her heart ache slightly. A bubble with three dots appeared making her heart flutter, but that flutter quickly diminished.

Read 5:37pm.

She closed her eyes, letting a small breath escape her lips as she locked her phone and proceeded to do her assignments.

Peter bit his lip when he slipped his phone into his pocket. “I just don’t get why she was kanoodling with him at the beach.”

He threw the ball in his hand against the wall, prepped to catch it again. “Maybe they’re just friends,” Ned offered, scribbling down half-assed answers to the summer reading.

“Okay, but if she went to Jersey for what she said was a supposed family thing then why was Brad there?” Peter questioned as he caught the ball and stared at his friend who was sitting on the bed in Peter’s room.

“Oh my god,” Peter spoke quietly, dropping the red ball onto the ground next to his desk chair before covering his face with his hands in realization. “What?” Ned asked now looking at his best friend with concern.

“She’s totally cheating on me,” he spoke softly as he turned in his chair to face the bed. “Woah Peter,” Ned exclaimed, “I don’t think she’s cheating on you. It’s Y/N we’re talking about. She’d never do that to you.” 

“But what other explanation could there be?” Peter groaned, throwing his head back in annoyance. “I-I would never do that with MJ without telling her.”

Ned scoffed, “yeah but that’s completely different because you dated MJ.” Peter mumbled a short ‘yeah’ as he absentmindedly spun in the chair. “Just talk to her man. Maybe you’ll find an explanation then,” Ned suggested, picking up his pencil to begin focusing on his homework yet again. Peter sat in his thoughts for a minute, maybe his best friend was right after all. 

The next day at school, Y/N decided to wear a cute outfit for the first day. It was an outfit that Peter helped her pick out, and she completely forgot that until she approached her new locker. She sighed after entering in the combination a billion times without any success. “Need some help,” Brad questioned as he noticed the disheveled girl. 

Y/N turned to look at him, with desperation clear on her face, “please?” Brad took the paper out of her hands and showed her how to open the metal box. “You have to twist it three times before entering the last number,” he explained as the door popped open. 

“Oh,” she whispered softly, “thanks Brad.” Sadness was evident in her voice as she swung her backpack in front of her to drop off some excess school supplies.

 “Has he talked to you at all?” He spoke quietly, putting a supportive hand on her shoulder. She shook her head, looking down, “he hasn’t even texted me back.”

He pulled the sad girl into his arms, knowing that this past week has been rough on her.

“I don’t even know what I did,” her voice muffled into his shirt. Across the hall, Brad saw the boy she was talking about alongside his best friend. 

Peter made eye contact with the teenager who had his arms wrapped around his girlfriend. Not wanting Y/N to notice him, Brad put a hand on her head to keep her there, but to also show comfort. 

“He’s such a fucking idiot,” Brad spoke loudly to make sure that Peter could hear him. The hero looked away, not wanting to witness the scene any longer. Clenching his jaw, Brad pulled away and immediately softened his features when he saw Y/N. 

She pulled out her phone to look at the time with a small amount of hope that dissipated when she saw she didn’t have any notifications from Peter. “The bell’s gonna ring soon. Better walk to class early in case I get lost.” She chuckled lightly as a small smile made its way onto her lips.

The day went by slowly with the standard first day business. Syllabus after syllabus and ‘get to know me’ activities that seemingly had no end.

Lunch was the sweet escape that the upperclassmen thrived in while the new freshmen had struggles navigating to find a seat.

“Well if it isn’t my favorite guy at Midtown,” Brad spoke sarcastically, swinging his arm around Peter’s shoulders roughly as he took a seat next to him. Peter closed his eyes, trying to ignore the situation as much as he possibly could. “What do you want?” He muttered, now glaring at him. 

“I wanna know why you’ve been a total dick to Y/N,” he smiled bitterly, clearly showing the anger within him. Peter scoffed, pushing Brad away from him gently.

 “Why do you want to know so badly?” He grumbled. Ned sat there across from the two, eating his food quietly as he watched the scene unfold. “Because you hurt her, Parker. And we both know she, of all people, doesn’t deserve that,” Brad spoke, his tone serious. 

“How can you be so sure about that? She was probably too busy making out with you to talk to me,” Peter exclaimed, emphasizing his point with flailing his hands about. “Maki-what?” Brad now started laughing, standing up to get a better view of Peter, who was much shorter than him. “You really are stupid, aren’t you?” 

“What?” Peter questioned confused with his angry tone lacing through. Brad shook his head, putting a hand on the smaller boy’s shoulder. 

“Y/N, she’s my cousin. You dumb piece of shit,” Brad scoffed. Suddenly, Peter’s eyes widened as everything started to make sense. A vague memory from over the summer that he had forgotten suddenly resurfaced. 

“Yeah, my mom and I are gonna meet up with my Aunt and Brad before we go to New Jersey for that stupid reunion,” Y/N spoke as she scrolled absentmindedly through her phone. Peter stopped typing on his laptop to turn and question his girlfriend. 

“Brad?”

Y/N furrowed her brows as she looked at the teenager before her, “yeah. He’s my cousin. I’ve told you this before, Peter. But, for your sake, we were both dead for five years, so I’d forgive you if you’ve forgotten.” 

She chuckled lightly at her statement, leaning over to plant a kiss on his cheek as he returned to his laptop.

“I-I only remember her talking about you before the whole blip thing. I just completely forgot that you’re basically the same age as us now. Holy shit,” Peter confessed, looking down in shame. 

“God, I’m such an idiot,” he ran his hands over his face as he thought about the past week and how douchy he was acting. “Yeah, you sure are,” Brad commented, crossing his arms while taking a step back. “You better fix this, Peter. I don’t want to see her cry over you again.” He walked away, leaving that side of the cafeteria to find his cousin.

Peter’s heart broke at the thought of Y/N crying. Especially over him. He sat down at his seat feeling utterly defeated. Holding his head in his hands his mind went blank when coming up with solutions. “I don’t know what to do,” he mumbled, looking up at Ned who was concerned for his friend. 

“Okay,” Ned spoke after swallowing a fry, “I have an idea.”

Peter stood at the door, a bouquet of roses in his hand. He let out a breath as he ran through what he was going to say to her. “Okay, Peter. You got this,” he whispered as he pressed the doorbell. 

The wooden door swung open to a slightly distressed teenage girl.

“Hey,” he mumbled with a shy smile. Y/N wiped her face dry, her eyes obviously puffy. “What are you doing here Peter?” She whispered, leaning against the door. 

He sighed, brushing a hand through his dark hair, “apologizing for being such a dick.” She looked down at the floor, fiddling with the hem of her shirt. They stood in silence for a minute.

“Well I’m waiting,” she softly spoke. Peter started with a breath, “I was jealous.” Y/N’s head shot up at the comment, crossing her arms with furrowed brows. “W-What? By who?” She was intrigued now as this was new information. Peter let out a short chuckled, “Brad.”

Y/N was now even more confused at his answer. 

“Yeah. I forgot that he was your cousin. So, I thought you lied to me about the family thing and that you just went to hang out with Brad, and-and cheated on me,” Peter pressed his fingers into his forehead disappointed with himself. “I forgot that the whole blip thing made him go from a middle schooler to a junior in high school,” he sighed with slightly slumped shoulders, “so when you said you were going with Brad, I thought it was like some eleven year old not, not him.”

Peter dryly chuckled as silence returned between the pair. “Why would you think I’d cheat on you?” Y/N asked shyly as she leaned against the door frame with crossed arms but no look of resentment gracing her features. 

“I don’t know,” Peter muttered, looking into her eyes before looking at his shoes, “really I don’t have any idea why because I know you’d never do that.” 

Y/N gave him a tight smile at the comment when he looked in her eyes again.

“This year has been so shitty, Y/N,” he finally broke.

“I-I disappeared for five years, I had to help save the whole universe, then the whole thing in Europe happened and- and everything with Tony,” his voice cracked at the thought. Tears started pouring out of his dark brown eyes as Y/N grabbed his hand to comfort him. “Peter,” she whispered, about to console him but he wasn’t finished.

“I thought the universe was out to get me, you know? With everything I’ve lost, I wouldn’t really be surprised at this point if I lost you too,” he sobbed as Y/N wrapped her arms around him. The flowers were now on the ground, but they were long forgotten.

Peter’s tears spilled onto Y/N’s shoulder while his arms wrapped tightly around her as if it’d be the last time. He felt so relieved to finally be able to hold her again. 

“Thank god you won’t be losing me anytime soon,” she chuckled lightly as she rubbed his back soothingly. Peter’s laugh mimicked her own as he pulled away while wiping his eyes. 

“Oh man, I’m sorry,” he directed towards her wet shirt. He looked down at the ground as if he was trying to remember something, “oh no! The flowers!” He sounded stressed as he bent down to pick them up. 

Y/N smiled at his child like action, “Peter it’s okay. I’m just glad I have my boyfriend back.” Despite their redness, Peter’s eyes glimmered as a grin grew on his face.  

“So, you don’t want to break up with me then?” He spoke, slightly unsure of himself, but growing confident as Y/N beamed. She leaned forward pressing her lips against his. His eyes were wide at the sudden action before he fell back into the standard routine of placing his hands on her hips as their lips moved together. A slight crunch could be heard from plastic on the floor. 

Peter pulled away with his eyes closed and his lips pressed in a fine line, “I dropped the flowers again.” 

“Oh my god,” Y/N giggled as her arm laid on her stomach and the other hand went to her mouth as he bent down. Peter stood up, with his hair slightly ruffled and a big grin on his face. “These are for you. They look kind of beaten though now,” he spoke as he examined the new frailness the roses had. 

“They’re perfect,” she smiled as she took the flowers from his hands. “Come inside before my neighbors see us. We both look like an absolute mess.”

#peter parker #tom holland #spider-man #spiderman #mcu #marvel #disney #peter parker x reader #tom holland x reader #spider-man x reader #spiderman x reader #marverl x reader #peter parker imagine #tom holland imagine #spiderman imagine #spider-man imagine #peter parker smut #tom holland smut #spider-man smut #spiderman smut #peter parker fanfiction #tom holland fanfiction #spiderman fanfiction #marvel smut #peter parker fanfic #tom holland fanfic #spiderman fanfic #spider-man fanfiction #spider-man fanfic

[noro-noro-noro]

weird dreams 1: eating a human hand at a restaurant that got torn down a while ago 2: magic??animals?? my ex is there

1: i went to this chinese buffet that used to be my favorite but they tore that whole corner of the shopping center down a while ago & replaced it with a store that sold golf clubs or something. anyway i was there with my sister, but after we were seated she turned into a bunch of white girls i didn’t know. the water served us human hands as an appetizer. we all kind of looked at them like o_o for a little & then i was like “well, this person’s hand has already been cut off & cooked, so there’s no saving them now!” & started eating. it was really good actually. i remember hearing somewhere that human meat would taste bad, but not this one! it was really busy in the store. i browsed the menu & ordered some kind of bright teal soda. it was very aesthetic in the picture.

2: something about being in this magic class area thing that had to do with animals. i was more advanced than the other students, so they let me do what i want? either that or i got lost. my ex was there & friendly with me, but not him - as if he’d never done any of that shit to me. idk why a blameless clone of him is popping up in my dreams recently, but i really don’t like it. it makes me uncmfortable even when the dream is like “you have to get along.” in my day to day life i haven’t thought about him. i’ve actually been thinking “man i wish i could study abroad again” since it’s the time of year where snapchat memories shows me all the pictures i took in prague & i go ooougughh. anyway. he was there with me & we had to feed weird horses that had like when there’s a texture & the thing moves but the texture stays the same. there was also something where i was assigned to start walking down this backyard wire fence enclosrue that had BIG rabbits the size of golden retrievers, but there was also dirty brown lake water. he was talle rthan me so he just walked across but the furher in i went the higher up it got until i was neck deep in gross water. by the way all the water was inside the enclosure despite the fence being made of wire (so full of holes). i got to the en & he pulled me up & i jumped down & there was some kind of target at the back we were supposed to do things to, except it wasn’t working. 

#dreams

[jadanicola]

This popped up in my Snapchat memories today. I’ve been through two more boyfriends since then. I have grown so much since then. I really did think I was doing better then. And maybe I was. I know I was terrified of starting on meds. I was also terrified of my panic attacks and breakdowns. I was working on losing weight. Thought I was going to quit smoking.

I’ve now been on antidepressants for about a month. I feel so much more like myself than I have in years. It took one more breakdown for me to finally ask about being out on meds. I went through a rough breakup. And I’m okay. I’m doing so much better. I’ve been thinking a lot about the girl I was this time last year. How proud I was of myself then. How I managed to stop wanting to harm myself.

I haven’t lost the weight I thought I was going to. I haven’t been as productive as I thought I was going to be. I’m still smoking cigarettes. But it’s okay. I’m okay. Things are good. And I AM proud of myself. I’m thankful for what I have been through and how it has helped me to grow. I am so much closer to who I want to be. And it’s okay that I was off track for so long. Things are good.

#personal #mortie #jadanicola #me #selfie #depression #I’m winning my battle #antidepressants #anti depressants #lexipro

[755578]

34

I don’t really know what this is.

I don’t even know your middle name... hence the lonely 34.

I don’t know if this is stupid.

Or if it’s the start of something really amazing.

Probably not the latter, but I can hope.

All I really know is that its 2:05am on a Thursday morning and something in the depths of my brain is telling me to do this.

This isn’t really even good. My brain is mushy. I’ve been so busy this week between this whole moving situation and school... and life.

I remember when you first messaged me a while back, complimenting a charcuterie board I made. 2019.

Then in 2020, a terrible song recommendation. Lol. Right under my thumb.

Oh and 9 days later... about a crystal ring I posted on my story.

And then this time. 2021. About aluminum.

I was in the shower when I got the notification and I thought, great, he wants to argue about vaccines.

You didn’t know I’d been crushing on you a bit previously.

I miss your pictures on instagram.

There was a particular mirror selfie I was fond of.

I was sad that we might butt heads over this topic, but alas, we really didn’t.

Instead we immediately fell deep into a pretty intense conversation about life out west and the creatures that come along with it. You were so excited to talk to me it seemed.

I told you that I in fact could inject you with aluminum if you’d like, but you’d have to wait a few years, until I got my medical license.

Cute doctor lady and the pasty guy who annoys me.

:This is going to be super dumb but do you wanna snap?:

I’m actually crying and I’m not sure why. I mean from the external view we talked for a couple weeks nonchalantly, I have no reason to even care. But.

You seemed so happy to talk to me. And now I can’t even get you to respond to me.

I told you this before about karmic relationships. Not that you believe in that mumbo jumbo. But I do. There’s really no other explanation.

Why do I feel this way if there’s nothing more to it?

There’s a part I didn’t tell you, too.

In middle school.

I felt it then too.

I never got to talk to you though, like actually talk to you one on one.

Except once.

It was brief.

It was after either soccer or track one day. I’m not sure which now.

I dropped my water bottle and it got you wet.

I was really embarrassed. Lol.

I wonder if in that moment we were quantum-entangled.

I’m sure you don’t remember.

When I brought up middle school you seemed shocked that I remembered you, or even knew who you were.

But I still remember it.

I remember you.

I sent you so many songs that night.

Better songs than you sent me in 2020 I might add.

A lot of them were more than songs, to me.

A lot of them were actually quite metaphorical.

I’m sure you didn’t notice though. But that’s okay.

Maybe someday.

We talked for 3 hours on discord while playing car soccer.

Car soccer.

We talked about a lot of things. I think we were kinda scared of stepping on each others toes too though.

I would do anything to go back to that night.

Your laugh was lovely.

It made my heart flutter.

I think I’d do things differently if I could. I don’t really know how I would though.

I’m not really even sure what I did wrong as it is now.

I tried really hard to do it right.

Some days were so yellow.

You told me you liked me.

Cute doctor lady.

You told me you looked up things I texted you instead of asking so you could seem smart.

That’s the most ~me~ thing anyone has ever done for me.

Love is really strange how it makes you act.

It’s like life starts to revolve around that person. And for me it was like you were always with me.

I would dance around my apartment, and sing, thinking maybe you’d see or hear me somehow.

I would do my makeup nice in hopes that you’d snapchat me and I’d have an excuse to send you a selfie.

I would bake things or make nice dinners and think about how nice it’d be for you to enjoy it with me.

You told me you wanted to fly out.

You told me when I was home you’d come see me :silly:

I wonder if that will happen.

I thought about what it’d be like to be waiting in the airport and see you come out of the terminal.

After so many years of crushing, finally you noticing me.

In person.

Here.

To see me.

It would’ve been so yellow.

Within a couple minutes time we went from laughing and joking to-

:I can’t do this anymore:

:Do what:

:Whatever the hell this is:

I threw up.

That night I was so sick. Physically sick. I mean I was upset, too. But I was physically ill over that.

My head pounded for hours on end.

I didn’t really sleep.

Why did/do I care so much? We’d only been talking for a couple weeks.

I really couldn’t say.

All I can guess is that there’s some underlying connection. I don’t know what kind.

But to realize that physical pain could be drawn from it.

Idk.

I don’t want to write more about that night.

From there I really just wanted you to know how much I cared.

I wanted to send you jewelry.

I did reiki.

I sent you energy healing.

I read tarot and tried my best to support you in what the cards laid out for me.

I learned about your astrological chart in hopes to care for you in the most effective ways.

It didn’t really work.

You wouldn’t let me in.

Why wouldn’t you let me in.

Why won’t you let me in.

I want you to let me in. So badly.

We talked for a few days after that.

We talked more about you flying out.

Expressed more feelings.

We had more yellow days.

Waking up to texts from you.

Texts in all caps.

Conversations.

Falling asleep peacefully.

Smiling.

You cared how I slept.

You said you’d fight off my sleep demons.

I’d love to sleep in your arms.

:This needs to stop:

Why.

Why can’t we fall in love.

Why are you doing this to me.

All I want is to talk to you.

I want you to be part of my daily routine.

Why won’t you let me in.

I get that we live far apart and haven’t met yet. But does that mean we ignore everything?

What happened to me coming home... or you flying out.

My brain has been consumed with the thought of you every moment of every day since we last talked.

Why haven’t we talked?

You told me you liked me. A lot. But I don’t believe you.

Or maybe I do but I just don’t understand it. You don’t show it like I do. And that’s okay. But I wish you’d explain it.

Why wouldn’t you talk to someone you like. Why wouldn’t you care when they express their feelings to you and show love?

Love.

I called you love.

And you liked it. You were excited.

I was excited that you were excited.

But now I feel that I can’t call you love.

Why do you make me feel this way.

I feel like I can’t text you anymore without driving you insane.

Am I a burden?

You told me I’m not.

Idk.

:I don’t know what to say:

Those words really hurt and I’m not sure why.

Especially this time.

It’d been about a week that we hadn’t talked. For what reason I’m unsure.

I texted you asking how you were, a dumb excuse to just see your name pop up on my phone.

I mean I cared, I care. I wanted to know you were alright.

But I also wanted to talk to you.

But you didn’t.

And now I’m here.

Writing this.

Imagining me showing it to you 1 year into our relationship sometime in the future.

I doubt that will happen.

I’m not too good at keeping secrets.

That and I doubt you’ll ever date me.

I can hope.

But.

Idk.

This is just kinda a first letter.

It’s not everything.

Not even close.

I’d never be able to get all of it.

All of what I’ve felt so far.

Into a tumblr post.

Nor words.

Nothing.

I’m just tired and heartbroken and wanted to start somewhere.

My head was ringing for me to do this.

Create a tumblr account.

Solely for writing.

I hope to keep writing.

I want to write on yellow days.

I want there to be more happy stories.

Better things to look back on.

Even if it’s just lonely old me looking back on them.

I think I’ll write about more than just you.

But I think I’ll continue to write *to* you.

Just incase...

Wow.

I think I love you.

Feelings are good.

Memories are good.

I don’t want you to be simply a memory to me.

But if that’s the case.

I’ll still be extremely thankful anyway.

76

05272021

#my34

[sappy-seresin]

cheater (g.d)

Summer break meant taking a long vacation back home where you grew up. You made sure to spend the time you’d taken off with your family and your hometown friends. All the fun had to come to an end as you’re preparing to head back to your apartment in LA.

“Thank you for being willing to drive me to the airport,” I tell Jason as we pull up to my terminal before hopping out of the car to grab my luggage.

“It’s really the least I could do after you helped me so much on your vacation,” he dismisses, causing both of us to laugh lightly.

“I’m seriously so happy for you, she’s going to love the ring. I’m just bummed that I can’t be here when you propose” I pause, trying not to get emotional. “It’s crazy how fast time has flown.”

“Oh, I know, it seems like it wasn’t that long ago when we were sitting in your treehouse making promises to each other that we’d get married at age twenty-three if neither of us had found our soulmates,” he responds, making me laugh at the memory. “Seriously though, thank you so much for your help. I wouldn’t have had the courage to buy the ring without my best friend.”

“That’s what I’m here for,” I joke, giggling as he rolls his eyes at me.

“You know, I’m sure that it won’t be too long before Grayson is popping the question,” he states, nudging me slightly.

“We’ll see,” I hum, the blush adorning my cheeks not going unnoticed.

“Speaking of Grayson, he’s got to be antsy to see you. I should probably let you go before you miss your flight and have to stay away from him even longer,” his statement forces me to roll my eyes at him as we both laugh.

“I love you, try to keep yourself out of trouble without me,” I state as he pulls me in for a hug.

“You know I will. Text me when you land okay?” I simply nod, giving him one last hug before walking into the airport. ____________________________

I send my parents a text as I roll my luggage away from the baggage claim. I check to see if I’ve heard anything from Grayson, but I didn’t have any new notifications from him. He’s been rather distant for the past week or so, which is slightly concerning but I shrug it off as my uber pulls up to the curb.

“I’m home,” I exclaim, slipping my shoes off before walking into the living room of Ethan and Grayson’s house.

“Hey, Y/n,” Ethan greets, pulling me into a hug. “How was your trip?”

“It was so good! I definitely needed the time away,” I reply, watching him plop onto the couch with his computer. “Is Grayson here? I haven’t heard from him in a few days.”

“He should be. The last I knew he was in his room editing,” he shrugs, before focusing his attention back on his computer. I simply nod before making my way to Grayson’s room. I stand outside the door debating if I should knock before just walking in. Sure enough, Grayson was seated at his desk editing, with his back facing me. I take the opportunity to wrap my arms around his shoulders from behind, clearly startling him as I press a kiss to his cheek.

“Hey you,” I greet happily, watching him pull his earbuds out of his ears.

“Hey,” he responds sounding a little less than enthused as he pushes himself up from his desk.

“I missed you,” my voice coming out in more of a question. The way he’s acting is a little frustrating seeing as we haven’t seen each other in nearly a month.

“Oh, I’m sure you did,” he mutters sarcastically, clearly refusing to look at me as he makes his way out of his room with me trailing behind. My frustration only grows at his response as I glare at him, confused.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Frustration evident in my voice as he continues giving me the cold shoulder. “Grayson.” I push myself onto the counter as he digs through the fridge. Not finding whatever he was looking for, he shuts the refrigerator door and grabs a glass from the cabinet next to my head.

“Nothing,” he responds shortly, still refusing to look at me as pours water into the glass.

“Last I checked, I didn’t do anything wrong so why are you treating me like this?” I question in frustration, pushing myself off of the counter.

I stare at him expecting an answer but am only met with a tense silence.

“Grayson, if you don’t give me an explanation I’m leaving. I’ve got better things to do than sit around waiting for you to stop acting like a child.”

“Oh feel free. I’m sure your other boyfriend would love for you to come over,” he spits sarcastically, slamming his cup into the sink loudly.

“Excuse me?” I ask, almost laughing at his ridiculous statement.

“Don’t act dumb. You know exactly what I’m talking about,” he pushes, finally turning around to face me. The look on his face brings the realization that he isn’t joking.

“Well please do enlighten me because I genuinely don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t think I like what you’re insinuating,” I reply shortly, crossing my arms over my chest.

“I know that you cheated on me when you went home Y/n,” he responds bluntly, his jaw clenching as he visibly grows even more upset.

Grayson isn’t one to get angry often but when he does it’s only a matter of time before he blows up. I’m not enjoying the fact that this anger is directed at me.

“Babe,” I murmur calmly, taking a cautious step toward him, “I don’t know what you think happened, but I can assure you that I would never do that to you.”

“Don’t,” he warns, stopping my advances, “You were all over that guy so don’t expect me to believe that nothing happened.”

“What guy Gray, you’re seriously delusional if you think I’d cheat on you,” my voice raises as my own annoyance begins taking over.

“He was all over your feed the whole time you were home. Even your sister had Snapchat’s of the two of you. You can’t tell me there wasn’t someone else back home,” his voice carries through the kitchen, making me flinch slightly.

“I can’t believe this conversation is actually happening right now,” I laugh in disbelief. “You don’t have anything to worry about, Jason has been like a brother to me since the third grade.”

“Like I haven’t heard that one before Y/n,” he rolls his eyes before turning around silently.

“Gray, I’m being serious. I’ve known him forever and can confidently tell you that our feelings for each other have always been platonic. He was around so much because our families are so close,” I explain, I drop the hard exterior knowing full well that we aren’t going to get anywhere if neither of us calms down.

“You guys look so happy together,” he mumbles, his body still tense as he refuses to look at me.

“That doesn’t mean that there is anything else going on,” I pause trying to collect my thoughts, “I helped him pick out a ring while I was home.”

“You what,” he questions turning around in shock.

“He’s asking his girlfriend to marry him and wanted me to be there to help. That’s what best friends do. I promise I would never hurt you like that.” My statement caused him to visibly relax, the hard look in his eyes slowly dwindling away. I slowly take a step closer, watching his reaction carefully before pressing my lips against his.

“I just can’t stand the thought of someone else’s hands on you,” he murmurs in my ear after breaking the kiss.

“Gray, I love you. I wouldn’t let anyone else near me,” I assure, cupping his cheeks.

He presses our lips together forcefully, smiling when I let him lead rather than fighting for dominance.

“Jump,” he orders, swiftly catching me as my legs wrap around his waist. A gasp falls from my lips as the cool counter pierces my legs causing both of us to erupt into a fit of giggles.

“Sorry,” he hums against my lips.

“Sh,” I respond, kissing him softly.

“Woah, Woah, Woah,” Ethan’s voice rings through the kitchen causing us to pull away from each other. “I know that three weeks is a long time, but this is where I eat. Get a room.”

“Remind me to find a new roommate,” Grayson jokes, pushing away from me smoothly.

“Hey Ethan,” I smile, crossing my legs.

“Hey Y/n,” he responds simply, opening a cupboard next to me to grab a glass. “Feel free to continue your argument now, or whatever it was that you guys were actually doing.”

“I’m sorry,” Grayson whispers, rubbing circles on my legs.

“I’m sorry for leaving any room for you to believe what you did, but I’d appreciate if you would talk to me whenever you feel like there’s something wrong rather than shutting me out completely. I forget that you don’t know everyone from home sometimes and I’m sorry that you felt pushed to the side.”

“I should have talked to you before assuming the worst.”

“You’re definitely not wrong there. You’re so petty when you’re jealous,” I joke shoving his shoulder softly.

“Only because I love you,” he shoots back, sending me a goofy look. “I’m glad you’re home.”

#Grayson dolan #grayson dolan imagine #grayson dolan blurb #grayson dolan one shot #grayson dolan imagines #grayson dolan blurbs #grayson dolan one shots #dolan twins #dolan twins imagine #dolan twins imagines #dolan twins blurb #dolan twins blurbs #dolan twins one shot #dolan twins one shots #boyfriend grayson #jealous grayson #ethan imagine #imagines #youtuber imagines #ethan and grayson #ethan dolan #grayson #dolan #ethan

[mysteryofren]

The First Order Has Gained its 6th Member

chapter 32 of So Happy Together 

31: https://mysteryofren.tumblr.com/post/620289196961218561/the-first-order-is-going-camping

possible tw: kylo flirting with an underage character

 You sat in the small dorm looking at the side that was now empty. You two had finally finished packing her things. Now her side had no sign of her ever being there. The photos, and posters she had were stripped off the wall. The light blue bed set she always had was gone. The top of her desk was void of the little collectables, and momentos she had sitting on it for years. This was it. Your 4 years together were coming to a close. Now someone new would decorate the wall by her bed, and the desk that sat by yours. Any sign that she was there was about to be gone, and someone else was going to take her spot. It felt wrong. Dirty almost. The thought of someone else living there wasn't one you liked very much. At least you only had to deal with them a year. 

 You looked at the small bed, and realized you would never lay in it, and talk like you did throughout the years. There wouldn't be any more nights where both of you felt lonely, and slept in the same bed for comfort. You would consider the lesbian rumor that Rey started 2 years ago being over, but Elaine ended those rumors when her, and Matt got together. You laughed remembering that rumor. Elaine busted into the room that day informing you of your “intimate” relationship with her. She had heard about it from one of her teammates. That was a fun semester. More memories popped into your head. The nights you guys couldn't sleep, and watched movies. The christmas you guys found a small christmas tree at the tree lot, and decided to take it for the dorm. It barely held 3 ornaments without falling.

“Hey you ready?” you heard Elaine's voice pull you out of your trance.

“Oh yeah, lets go.” you, her, and Phasma had rented a truck to move all her things. You weren't by any means old enough to rent one, but you guys had money. Lots of it which made the guy at the rental place excuse that rule for the time being. You filled it with all her things, and had decided to have a mini road trip to get to her house. 

“So Amilyns for food?” Phasma asked as she closed the door to the truck bed, and hopped in the cab.

“Sounds good to me!” Elaine said as she got in the driver's seat. You hopped up into the seat next to Phasma, and put your seat belt on. Elaine started the truck, and you guys officially started the long drive ahead of you. Usually you drove since you were the only one in the group that had a car that didn't need to be shared with a sibling. That by no means meant you were a GOOD driver. That was Elaine, and since you guys were not old enough to even have the car you decided it was best to let Elaine drive since the risk of crashing was way lower than it was with you or Phasma. 

 You all drove for a long time. You all had worked the night before on a playlist for the trip. Phasma started playing it while you looked out the window. It was going to be a while before you got to Amilyns so you pull your phone out to message Rey. 

‘Hey, just checking in. hope you're okay’ was all you sent. Then you opened snapchat to see what had been sent to you while you were packing. One was from Hux. it was Milli, and she was sitting in one of the boxes looking like she was going to pounce out at him. 

‘I don't think she’s quite ready to leave yet.’ is what he had written. He was taking her with him, but sadly he can't have her at the dorms. He was using his savings to rent an off campus apartment for the two of them. You could imagine him alone in a little apartment with nobody but Milli for company. She had so much personality that it would be like having another person around. The next one you opened was from Rey. she sent it last night, but you only just got to see it. You opened it , and it was a picture of her, and Poe dressed up to go out. They stood in front of a hotel mirror holding each other's waist, and making the same face as they posed. 

 You held the phone up by the window, and snapped a photo of you smiling while Elaine was focused on the road, and Phasma looked ahead with her. You sent it back to her before putting your phone away. The drive to Amilyns cafe wasn't one that was too bad. It was a drive you had made tons of times, so it wasn't anything new. However what was new, was the closed sign on the door. You watched as men took stuff out of the building, and moved it onto a big moving truck. You all got out to see what was happening when you saw Amilyn inside. Elaine walked in, and you followed her along with Phasma. Amilyn stood in front of a small tower of boxes.

“Amilyn what's happening?” Phasma asked, walking in behind you.

“Oh, girls, I didn't know you were coming by!” she responded. 

“Are you moving already?”

“Yes I am. I was actually just about to text Y/N to see if you guys would help me set up.”

“When?” Elaine asked.

“Probably sometime next week.”

“I leave on Saturday.” Phasma informed her. Amilyn made a sad face, and Hugged her.

“What about tomorrow? I know we were going to go skating, but we love it here! I'm sure the boys would be down.” Elaine said. You pulled out your phone and sent a text into the group chat.

“We’ll leave you to it, but I can text you to let you know what the boys say, but we for sure are down to help.” she smiled and hugged you.

“You girls are so sweet. It's gonna be weird having just 3 of you around instead of 5.”

“We know, but me and Hux will be back to visit dont worry!” 

“You better,” she picked up one of the boxes in front of her. “I'll see you girls around!”

 She walked outside to load it onto one of the trucks outside. You all walked out, and waved at her while getting into the truck. You all decided to find somewhere else to eat since Amilyn was moving. You found a little restaurant in the city to eat at. It wasn't much, just another little coffee shop, but it was food, something you desperately wanted. You all walked inside, and got in line to order. Once you placed your order you offered to stay by the counter to grab it once it was ready. 

 The smell of coffee filled your nostrils as you stood there. It was a strong satisfying smell. You weren't too big on coffee, but the smell always made your mouth water. Your order came, and you tried to grab it all, but sadly couldn't fit it all in your hands.

“Lemme help.” you heard someone say.

“Oh thank you.” you looked up to see the eldest Solo child.

“Oh hey Kylo.”

“Hi. its Y/N right?”

“Sure is!” he grabbed some of the items that were still on the counter, and helped you bring it to the table.

“Look who I found.” you said to the girls as you put some of the food down.

“Hey Ky, haven't seen you in a few days.” Elaine said as she took her coffee, and sandwich.

“Uh yeah. You don't come to the house a lot.” He asked. Phasma took the coffee he was holding as she answered him. 

“We tend to hang out at Obi-Wan's house a lot.”

“Oh you mean Old Ben.” 

“Old who?” Phasma responded.

“Oh turns out my grandmother used to call pop pop Ben, and his brothers named after him.” you informed the girls.

“My parents and I call him Old Ben. I find it a bit funny both my brothers didn't meet him until recently.”

“Hey how did you meet them, but they never did?” you asked him as you sat down. He stayed standing and looked down at all of you.

“They never behaved for parties so the old man and my mother never took them to any. I was good enough that I could be there for a few hours before getting restless.”

“I never saw you at any of them.” You took the other things from his hands, and pulled out a chair for him.

“Because by the time your parents could bring you I already told mine I didn't want to go anymore.” he looked at the chair, and you patted the seat. He sighed before sitting down.

“So tell us about you Kylo. I wanna know more about my future Brother in law.” Elaine said as a joke. 

“Did you do this to Ben too?” he asked. 

“We know enough about Ben.” she sipped her coffee.

“Yeah like how much of a dick he is.” 

“Phasma!” you scolded her.

“Im right.” she said.

“No she is right. My brother is not the best person.” he sighed before continuing. “About me. Uhhh. I study journalism and English. I'm 23. Like my Brothers I like calligraphy. I ride a motorcycle.” 

 You all stared at him waiting to see if he would say anything else. He stared back, obviously very uncomfortable. Part of you wanted to ask what the wink was about back at the party, but you figured it would probably be best to let it go. You and the girls tried to get him to go on, but according to him there wasn't much he did, or found interesting. He did tell you he studied at a college in Chandrila since that's where he was born. That was it though. You figured he's probably one of those people you have to slowly get to know. You guys decided to talk about something else, and talked about helping Amilyn tomorrow. Every now and then he jumped into the conversation. Which showed he was comfortable enough to talk whenever. He even offered to help out which was nice.

You exchanged numbers with Kylo before he left to go on about his day. You guys only stayed a few minutes behind him before leaving for Elaines. Getting into the truck you thought about Rey again. You knew she wouldn't show it, but you can't imagine how much pain she's in. Actually you could. You knew exactly what she was going through and it sucks because you still haven't entirely recovered. Ben Solo had quite the habit of making girls love him before he leaves them. You wish you could tell her about your experience with it. Sadly you know Rey well now, and you know she's still an angry person. You tried thinking of ways to comfort instead of anger her. It was hard though. She was so far away. 

  You finally tune in to what Elaine and Phasma are talking about. 

“So that was fun talking to Matt's brother, wasn't it?” Phasma asked you both.

“I don't know man, Kylo is a little weird.” you said.

“I feel like you like it though.” Elaine teased.

“Oh my stars shut up! I do not! I mean he's nice I just think he's a bit off.”

 You all laughed, and kept joking around. You all agreed even though he was a bit weird he was fun to talk to. You could tell he's very awkward at first, but definitely needs to warm up to you guys. Kylo seemed nice though. He was definitely someone you would want to keep around. Out of the Solo boys, he actually seemed to be the shyest. You never thought you would meet a Solo more shy than Matt, but Kylo was it. Han was right; he acted like him. He listened only offering words to the conversation occasionally, and giving just a grunt or sound otherwise. He seemed sweet though. You never even expected to meet Kylo, somehow he seemed like a myth. You had heard about him so much from Matt, and a few times from Ben, but you never saw him. Leia and Han didn't even have pictures in the house of him. Why that was, is something you should definitely ask Matt. 

 “He's definitely a little off. He seems like he would fit well into the first order though.”

“Elaine, are you saying you want to offer him an exclusive spot into the first order?” Phasma asked.

“Maybe. I'm just saying he seems like he would fit in.” Elaine kept her eyes on the road as she and Phasma continued talking. 

 You don't see Kylo wanting a spot in the first order, but if anything it wouldn't hurt to try. You pull out your phone, and look for his name in your phone. Once you found it you sent him a text.

‘Hey, i dont know if youre interested or not, but do you want me to put you in our group chat???’ 

 You hit send, and waited for a response. Not even a minute later your phone buzzed letting you know he had responded.

‘Sure. That way I can keep up with you guys. Thank you.’ 

Damn. That was fast. You go to the group chat settings, and add him to the first order. 

“I invited him. He accepted.”

“So it's official! The first order has gained its 6th member!” Phasma said while clapping her hands together. You and Elaine laughed at her, and you went back to your phone to let him know how happy he had just made them.

‘Ok, I added you. The girls are happy you accepted our invite, they liked you.”

Again. He replied almost immediately.

‘That's good, but I'm more curious as to how you feel about me.’

‘Why would you be more curious about that?’ 

‘Ben talks. Matt talks. Matt talks about you like you're a saint. Ben talks about you like you're a goddess. He wasn't lying when he said you were attractive. I find myself quite infatuated with you as well.’

‘Is that what that wink at the party was about?’

‘Yes. Mostly. It was also to piss Ben off. I always get what I want. Just keep that in mind.’

 Ok what the hell? Now you had to deal with 2 Solo boys up your ass? You wouldn't be lying if you said Kylo wasn't hot, but he is 23, what the hell is he doing flirting with a 17 year old. You do the only thing you can think of and screenshot the conversation. You exit the chat, and look for a name you haven't messaged in a while. Once you find it you send the screenshot, and lock your phone. It took a while for him to respond. But he did respond

‘When did this happen??’ 

‘Like an hour ago. It's creepy.’ 

‘He's probably just doing this to piss me off. Just promise you won't do anything. For me?’

‘Ben i don't want you either. just get him off my ass.’ 

‘You're a bad liar, Kenobi ;)’ 

 You smiled to yourself knowing he was right you did want him. You just couldn't have him. Maybe that would change.

tags: @wumboho @pylopenpolo @duty-isnt-always-honour

#teen!ben solo #ben solo #ben solo fanfiction #ben solo series #ben solo x reader #bensoloxreader #ben solo x y/n #reader insert #teen!reader #kenobi!reader #star wars x reader #star wars tfa #star wars au #star wars fanfiction #star wars tros #star wars #kylo ren #kylo ren x reader #armitage hux #general hux #rey of jakku #rey #amilyn holdo #vice admiral holdo #matt the radar technician #oc #matt the radar technician x oc #captain phasma

[ptersparkers]

hi, peter parker

summary: the four nights spider-man visited your window and the one time he stayed.

a/n: this has been in my drafts since early 2018 and i am in love with peter parker. anyways im so grateful to get to hear back from you guys and i love seeing messages from you lot!!

warnings: none, just fluff 

masterlist / taglist 

i

To think you had said no to a night out.

You sighed and looked at your phone, your friend Taylor sending you a video via snapchat wishing you were at a friend’s house party. Initially you had declined because of a stressful week at school, but now you were bored out of your mind.

‘Sorry, Tay,’ you texted. ‘Maybe next time.’

Your phone’s clock read three minutes until midnight and you figured it would be best to sleep. You scoffed at the thought of resting when your body’s clock was rendered to stay up until four in the morning - what you had been doing some nights to study for upcoming AP tests. Now that that was out of the way, it’s like your body couldn’t fall asleep until well after midnight.

You groaned to yourself and switched on the small light by your bed. The light was dim enough so it wouldn’t bother the neighbors across from your apartment. Your eyes were closed for a total of, what felt like a millisecond, before you heard knocking on your window.

“What in the world?” you muttered. You stood up from your bed and immediately saw a red mask greet you.

“Hey there! I know this is weird, but you’re the only window with the light on and I really need to stop before I fall. There’s a whole bunch of houses and I need to fix my web shooters,” said the man in the mask, which you knew to be Spider-Man.

You stared at him, unable to comprehend what you were about to do. “Oh, um, sure,” you said before opening your window. You stepped aside and let him in. Spider-Man crawled through your window and landed effortlessly on the carpet, not making a sound.

“That was almost graceful,” you commented. “I’m pretty sure my mom would’ve thought I snuck out.”

“Do you sneak out?” he asked.

“Nah. I’m too lame to try. Do you want water or anything?” He shook his head.

“No, I just need someplace to fix my web shooters. I think they got jammed,” he replied.

“Okay, cool,” you said awkwardly, balancing from one foot to the other.

“Can I sit on your bed?”

“Uh, sure.”

“Do you have a small pick by any chance?”

“I have tweezers?”

“I guess that’ll do.”

You fetched tweezers from your makeup vanity and gave them to him. He instantaneously began working on his web shooters as you stood and watched. His head shot up and he faced you.

“I’m sorry, I never introduced myself. I’m Spider-Man,” he said, extending his hand for you to shake.

“Y/N,” you replied. “Welcome to my humble abode.”i

“Thanks! I really like the board above your bed with all the polaroids. It looks so neat that I fear I might mess it up from all the way over here.”

You laughed and sat beside him. “I’ve been obsessed with taking polaroids for two years now. I made it a point to capture the best memories and fix them into some sort of memory board so I can remember the good times.”

“That’s smart. I wish I was artistic and creative, but I can barely draw a straight line with a ruler,” he said. You watched as he worked and sat in silence for a moment.

“Say, do these web shooters get stuck all the time?”

“Not usually, I just think I haven’t really been able to update them or clean them out. I’ve been busy with all this ‘saving the little guy’ stuff,” he said.

“Is it fun? Being Spider-Man, I mean. You’re practically an Avenger,” you asked.

“I’m technically not an Avenger. Well, not yet. I’ve been working with Mr. Stark for a little bit, but it’s mostly keeping Queens safe for now.”

“Sounds like you’ve got a serious job on your hands.”

You could see the eyes on his mask move like he was smiling underneath. “Yeah, I do. I’m glad people can understand that.”

“So, what kind of things do you do on your day off? I’m sure you’re not always swinging around and hanging out in the homes of strangers.”

He laughs. “No, not really. I don’t know, I hang out with friends sometimes.”

You thought about asking him more, but decided against it. His life outside of being Spider-Man was his own.

“Wow, that sounds pretty mundane. I do pretty much the same, except school’s almost over and I have a month until summer break,” you replied. Spider-Man hands you back your tweezers and fixes the web shooters back on his suit.

“Any fun plans for the summer?”

“As of right now, no, but who’s to say?”

Spider-Man laughed and walked towards your window. “I’m sure you’ll find something fun to do. Thanks again, Y/N.”

“See ya!” you say as you watch him exit the window and swing away.

ii

Summer was just around the corner. It was another Friday night and you had decided against studying for finals because it seemed that that was all you did in your free time. The sky was getting dark out and you decided to stay in bed tonight and binge watch shows on Netflix, turning your phone on silent. You had enough snacks to last you the entire night and popped your headphones in, pressing play.

It wasn’t long before you heard tapping on your window. Curiously, you stood from your bed and saw Spider-Man.

“You again,” you said playfully as you opened up the window. “What do you need this time?”

“Honestly? I think I need a little break,” he said. “I’d also love to take this suit off, but my identity is something I’d like to keep hidden for a little while.”

“That’s fine,” you replied. “I’m not really in a rush. Not that you need to tell me who you are or anything, ugh, you get what I mean.”

Spider-Man laughed and pointed at your window and you nodded, watching as he climbed his way through.

“Can you even breathe in that thing?” you asked, pointing at his mask.

“Oh, yeah! It’s a breathable material and lets oxygen pass so I’m not always suffocating myself. That’s how I’m able to keep the mask on at all times.”

“Interesting,” you said, sitting on your chair by your desk as he took a seat on your bed.

“Studying for finals?”

“More like procrastinating. Well, all I do is study and I deserve a break,” you said.

“That you do. Final season is coming up and I’m dreading having to -”

“Wait, you’re in school?” you asked, interrupting his speech.

Spider-Man looked at the ground, the walls, and anywhere but your gaze.

“I, uh, yeah?” he said with uncertainty, scratching the back of his neck.

“If you think I’m going to look all over Queens to find out which school you go to, I’m letting you know now that I won’t. That seems like too much effort and for all I know, that isn’t your actual voice,” you replied, twirling a pen in your hand.

“Phew, thank you,” said Spider-Man, pretending to wipe sweat off of his forehead. “Damn, all of this swinging made me really hungry.”

“You should try the deli down there. It’s called Delmar’s and it’s my favorite sandwich shop. Also, asked for the sandwiches to be smushed! Don’t ask me why, but it tastes better,” you said.

Spider-Man went silent for a moment and you cocked your head to the side, thinking you either said something wrong or he was just really hungry.

“What?”

Spider-Man shook his head. “Nothing, nothing. I’ll be sure to try your suggestion. Anyway, I’ll see you soon!”

And with that, you saw red and blue flying in the wind.

iii

You were half asleep with your headphones in your ears when you heard a faint ‘thwip.’ Your parents were fast asleep and you had willed yourself to watch one more episode of Law and Order: SVU before getting sleep for your final. Currently, you were on your side with one earbud in (the other having fallen out, but you didn’t care much) and the voice of Olivia Benson could be faintly heard from the volume that could put you to sleep.

You stirred slightly, but not enough to wake you up fully.

Then came a knock on your window. Once. Twice. Three times. You yawned and rolled over to see Spider-Man standing outside your window with nothing but the moon behind him to illuminate your room. You threw the covers off of you and rubbed the sleep away from your eyes, opening the window for him to come in. With it, the chilly wind did not welcome you warmly and you grabbed a sweatshirt from your closet.

“Sorry to wake you,” he said sheepishly.

You waved him off. “It’s okay, Spider-Man. I like your company and you’re probably the only person who I couldn’t bring myself to yell at.”

He put his hands of his heart. “Wow, I’m so touched.”

“You should be,” you said, climbing into the covers and resting your back against your bed frame. “What brings you to this part of Queens at this ungodly hour?”

“It’s only nine thirty,” Spider-Man deadpanned. You shrugged.

“What can I say? A girl really needs her beauty sleep before her last final.” Spider-Man’s autonomic eyes seemed to narrow as if her were in thought.  

“Oh shoot, that’s tomorrow? I’m sorry for bothering you,” he apologized. You laughed and shook your head, patting the bed for him to rest on. Spider-Man gently put his knees on the mattress and situated himself so he was laying on his side, looking at you.

“It’s okay, Spidey. You already know I love your company. Besides, it’s only nine thirty,” you mocked. Spider-Man laughed and the room fell into a comfortable silence. “What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing really,” he began, but you looked at him with a knowing expression. “Okay, a lot but that’s for another day when we have more time. I’m just thinking how lucky I am to have you in my life and I’m grateful it was you whose room I stumbled into and not some mean old lady.”

“I’m happy you came here too,” you confessed. “This is probably gonna sound weird but...your visits are something I look forward to. I don’t know, I just feel like I opened up to you much quicker than any of the friends I have at school.”

“I feel the same way,” he said, sighing. “I don’t know, it’s just hard being two people at the same time. Even though you don’t know my real name yet, you know more about me than anyone else does.”

“And that’s something I will cherish forever,” you said, stroking his cheek with your hand. “I’m really happy I met you.”

“I can say the same,” he replied. But before he could make himself more comfortable, Spider-Man pushed himself off of the bed and adjusted his web shooters before seeing that you had tucked yourself in. Spider-Man smiled and his autonomic eyes grew wider as he bent down and pressed a kiss to your forehead. You could barely feel his lips.

“Goodnight, Y/N.”

iv

You groaned, slamming your door shut and planted your face into a pillow, wanting to forget the world had ever existed. It was a hot summer night and your mother had just let you know that she and your father would be staying at a friend’s for the week, but that you couldn’t join them this time. You probably should’ve been happy to have the apartment alone, but the last thing you wanted to be was alone.

Spider-Man hadn’t come by your apartment in nearly a month and you had started to grow increasingly worried about the boy who you couldn’t get out of your mind. Every time you thought about the possibility of dating, you immediately shook that out of your head for two reasons: the first being he’s a superhero and you were a regular New York citizen, and the fact that you didn’t know his name or what he looked like. You’d never pressure him, but that didn’t mean you were dying to know.

The sun was almost set when your parents left and you hadn’t had the decency to move from where you flung yourself. There was a tapping sound from the window and you knew who it was.

“It’s open!” you mumbled from your pillow, where you had curled yourself so you could continue in your self wallowing.

“Who dragged the cat in?” Spider-Man asked with a chuckle. You looked at him as if you hadn’t seen him in years and got off of your bed, letting your arms snake its way around him. With a sigh, you closed your eyes and let yourself revel in this moment. “You okay?”

“I was worried,” you said quietly. “You usually go no more than a few days of being gone but it’s been nearly a month, and I know I don’t have any right to worry, and that you were probably really busy, but I was really worried.” Spider-Man let out a soft chuckle and held your body closer to his, letting his chin rest on top of your head.

“You have every right to be worried, Y/N. I’m touched that you care so much. I-I’ve been a little stressed with my personal life and haven’t been able to patrol as often and I didn’t have much energy to swing to your place. I’m sorry,” he said.

“It’s okay,” you replied. “I’m just relieved to find out you aren’t dead.”

Spider-Man laughed. “Say, what are your parents gonna think if they find me in your room?”

“Well, they’re gone this week so there’s no way that’s happening.”

“Oh, well lucky me, I guess,” he said nonchalantly as he let himself rest on your bed. He plopped himself in the middle, his back resting against the mattress as you chuckled. “Come lay with me.”

You didn’t say anything as you climbed next to him and willed yourself not to put your entire body on him, but Spider-Man pulled you to his side and held you tight.

“I had this nightmare that you needed me and I couldn’t save you,” said Spider-Man. “I was in a really weird place and felt like I couldn’t leave my house but last night was the last straw. You were falling and I couldn’t save you. I needed to see you again just to make sure.

His voice got weaker and you put your head on his chest, finding his hand to squeeze it to let him know you understood.

“Sometimes I think this gig is too much for me. I feel like I shouldn’t have been given these abilities but at the same time, I’m grateful for all the things it’s given me. Like you.”

“I’m here,” you whispered.

You both stared at the ceiling for a while, basking in each other’s company. You would faintly feel his heart beating through his suit and he was rubbing soothing circling on your hip with his thumb.

“You know,” you said, hesitantly while propping yourself up with your elbows. “You could stay for the night since my parents are gone.” Your eyes widened as soon as you said it. “I-I mean that in the most innocent way possible.”

Spider-Man laughed and looked at you with his autonomic eyes, letting a comfortable moment pass as he thought about your offer.

“I think I’d have to let some people know I’d be safe first, but I’d like that.”

It grew quiet between you two and you didn’t know what was to come next. Slowly, you moved your body to sit up and he followed suit, wondering what you were planning.

“Do you trust me?” you asked.

“I trust you,” he confirmed. You moved your hand towards his mask and you could already sense his body tense up, especially when you moved the mask up his face. You stopped for a brief moment, but he didn’t stop you. You kept lifting the mask until it rest gently above his nose and leaned in to place your lips on his.

The kiss was gentle and searing at the same time, like you both had been wanting to do something for a while but hadn’t until that very moment. It was passionate and innocent, slow and fast. It wasn’t rushed; you held his jaw with both hands, afraid that he was going to leave the second you pulled away. His lips moved in conjunction with yours and didn’t part until you both ran out of air.

“I’ve been meaning to do that for a while,” he said, not bothering to pull his mask down. You laughed and looked at him as he took off his web shooters and pulled his mask off his face.

“Hi, I’m Peter Parker.”

To say you were surprised was an understatement. Spider-Man was cute.

“Holy shit, you’re hot,” you whispered more to yourself. Peter laughed and your cheeks developed a pink tint.

“I happen to think you’re also hot,” Peter said with a chuckle before pressing another kiss to your lips.

“Hi, Peter Parker,” you said with a grin.

“Hi, Y/N Y/L/N,” he said with a grin equally as big.

“I don’t really know what I imagined under the mask, but you’re much cuter than what I had expected,” you said. “Let me go get some of my brother’s extra clothes. He lives in Los Angeles now but we still have some of his stuff!”

Peter smiled at you as you walked out of your bedroom and took the time to look around, letting himself bask in the moment that was pure bliss. How you were going to introduce him to your parents, he didn’t know. But Peter knew he didn’t want to let you go any time soon.

***

Taglist

@kath94210​ @sessi03​ @olliekookie​ @edgyhargreeves​ @simonsbluee​ @meraki--me @sleep-i-ness​

#peter parker #my writing #hi peter parker

[sweetheartbtsateez]

BTS reaction: He finds out his crush is already in a relationship

A/N: Thanks for requesting! I’m sorry this took so long, hope you like it love <3

It would be late at night when RM would be on Snapchat. He would see a notification pop up from you, saying that you had sent him a picture. Opening up the snap, he would see your face pop up with a silly expression. Laughing quietly to himself, he would send an equally silly one. After it was sent, he closed the app and decided to lay back on his bed. 

Thinking to himself about how beautiful you are and picturing what your relationship would be like, suddenly another notification would pop up coming from you. This next picture was of you and another male. Questioning it, he sends back one of him with a serious facial expression asking who that was.  

He didn’t think much of it and just thought it was another friend when he got a reply. This time it was a chat. 

“I forgot you didn’t know. This is Hyunjin, we’ve been dating for a while now. Sorry I didn’t tell you.”

Thinking quickly, RM sent back a reply congratulating you. Once he was done, he shut his phone off and began to think. Feeling upset about you being in a relationship and for not telling him. He decided it was best to move on since you looked so happy, even though it pained him like a million needles piercing his skin.

It was like every Friday night, where you would make your way to the dorm that your best friend shares with the rest of bts to watch movies after practice. Getting there with a big smile on your face, you open the door letting yourself in.

“Hobi!” You belted as soon as you put two bags full of food down on the kitchen counter. A few seconds passes, but there’s no answer.

“He’s in his room.” Taehyung disappears from your side after slipping you that information.

You make your way over there, and knock a few times on the door before entering his room.

“Hey Hobi I jus-” You suddenly stop your words as you take a better look at Jin. He’s wrapped in a blanket burrito with his face mushed against the pillow. You walk closer and sit down next to him, caressing his back lovingly.

“Are you sick?” You ask in a concerned tone.

“Y/N, why didn’t you tell me that you have a boyfriend?” His muffled words shock you.

“I was planning on telling you, but I thought it might be too soon.” He sighs at your words, removing his head from the pillow to look at you.

“Can you please leave? I’m trying to sleep.” He smushes his face against the pillow again.

“But I broug-”

“But nothing y/n, please leave. I don’t want to see you right now.” This time it’s him cutting off your words. Sadly, you do as he says and leave the room, disappointed at his words.

“Yoongi’s been in the studio for days, I guess the news really hit him hard, I haven’t seen him like this in ages.” You hear Namjoon mutter to Jin.

“What news?” You can’t help but chime in the conversation about your best friend.

Both Namjoon and Jin look at each other awkwardly, not knowing what to say exactly in this situation.

“Ummm, I just remebered that um, I left the stove on, gotta go!” Jin states before rushing out the room.

Namjoon curses under his breath, looking at the floor before looking back up at you.

“Look, I don’t know if I should be saying this but...your dating news have really affected Yoongi. That said, gotta go as well.” He pulls an awkward expression before rushing out as well.

You sigh as you begin to walk towards Yoongi’s studio. Once you reach it, you try to enter the password to the door, but it seems like he has changed it.

“Hey Yoongi, please open the door.” You begged knocking on his door.

“Get the fuck out y/n, I can’t bear to look at you right now.”

You place your head against the door, sighing. Some seconds later you decide it’s probably best to leave him alone for a while.

“Now to the oven!” Jin exclaims happily. You were helping him bake a cake for Jungkook’s birthday, and you were finally almost done.

You sit down on one of the counters, and soon enough Jin walks over to you, and possions himself between your legs, wrapping his arms around your torso and placing his head on your shoulder. 

You hug him back, caressing his hair sweetly, when suddenly, a thought comes to your mind.

“I have to tell you something.” He looks up at you with a smile and a mix of excitment and nervousness in his expression. 

“Oh, maybe she’s gonna confess to me.” He thinks.

“I have a boyfriend, his name is Jihwan and we’ve been dating for almost a month now.” You mumbled quickly to him.

His smile inmediatly fades away as he looks down to the floor.

“Hey, are you okay?” You mutter, concern in your voice.

“Yeah! haha, why wouldn’t I be?!” He completely switches expression, a happy one now covering his soft face. “Anyway, I have to um, clean up the kitchen a bit, go watch some Tv or something haha.” He fake giggles as he removes himself quickly from between your legs.

“I, um, sure.” You murmur, leaving the kitchen in confussion.

“You look lovely today y/n.” Jimin says sweetly looking you deeply in the eyes. Today you had texted your best friend Jimin to come hang out at your locar café because you wanted to introduce him to someone. And there you were, wainting patiently for that someone.

“Thank you Jimin, you’re not looking bad yourself either.” You say flahing him a smile. He mimicks your expression.

“Hold on, I have to go to the bathroom.” He mutters before getting up.

Less than two minutes later, he comes out of the bathroom, but to his surprise, someone else has taken his seat, and even more surprising, that someone is reaching across the table to kiss you. Jimin’s mouth open wide in shock as he walks over to where you are.

“Y/n?” He mumbles. You pull out from the kiss, and smile up at him.

“This is whomst I wanted to introduce to you, his name is Jaehyun, and we’re dating.”

Jimin suddenly feels like the universe just punched him in the face as he falls silent for some seconds.

“Hi, um, nice to meet you I guess, I’m Jimin.” He shakes your boyfriend’s hand, ashamed of his feelings.

“Ah Yeontan looks so cute today.” You mumble, Taehyung nods and smiles at you cutely. Today Tae asked you to accompany him to take Tannie on a walk in the dog park.

“Tss, you look even cuter.” He blushes at his own words after giving you a cute wink.

After grabbing some ice cream, you both sit down in a bench.

“Hey, do you remember that guy we met a few months ago on that museum?” You questioned him suddenly.

“Do you mean the guy who tripped over his own feet and spilled his coffee all over your dress?” He replies before giggling sweetly at the memory.

“Yeah that one haha. Wasn’t that cute?” You giggle as well.

“Cute? well, I guess you could say so. What’s the matter with that guy?”

“Well..we’re like, kind of dating now haha.” You smile at him, expecting a good reaction from him.

“Oh that’s gr-, wait, what?!” *see gif*

“Aish, it feels so good to be young, dumb and in love.” You laugh lightly at your words, turning to look at Tae, who’s looking down to the grass with an unreadable expression.

“In love...” He whispers.

“This is my moment.” You think as you spot Jungkook propped up against a wall playing on his phone. 

You walk over to him and cage him with your arms, placing one of your hands next to the left side of his body and the other one on the right side of his body.

He looks at you stuned, almost dropping his phone. He tries to leave without saying anything, but you stop him, grabbing the collar of his shirt lightly and forcing him to stay right where he is.

“Listen here you lil shit. You’ve been ignoring me for over a week ever since I told you I had a boyfriend, what’s the matter with you? I thought we were best friends?” You question him with a pained expression on your face.

Best friends, oof how much that word hurt Jungkook

He sighs strongly. 

“We are I guess, but I’ve just um, been really busy that’s all.”

“I can tell when you lie to me Jungkook.”

“For fucks sake I’m not lying, I’m okay, and everything’s fine, alright?” He exclaims, as if trying to convice himself, not you.

He removes your hand from his collar in a swift movement, and disappears from your sight in seconds.

A/N: btw the first reaction was begun by my old admin, but the rest are all mine :) -Mary

#bts reactions #bts imagines #bts scenarios #jungkook #jimin #taehyung #seokjin #namjoon #joseok #yoongi #bts fake texts #bts moodboards #bts edits

[loove-persevering]

Run To You (Shawn Mendes Blurb)

Description: I don’t see this being multiple parts but just a General fic idea. Shawn and reader have been together for maybe just a month. Reader is having a very hard time and wants to call Shawn but doesn’t think it’s best to bother him when he’s with his friends. Whatever the event was passes and Shawn finds out what’s been happening and talks to reader about it.

Thank you for this idea! I find myself writing this like a diary I recently lost a loved one and I have some really bad nights so honestly this is how I feel sometimes and so this is really personal to me thank you for letting me get this out!

 Warning: This mentions the death of a loved one, so if your having a hard time please don’t read. 

 It seemed just like any other night, Shawn was out with his friends so you were left at home alone. You were watching Grey’s Anatomy and scrolling through your phone, you noticed it was midnight and your snapchat memories from the previous years popped up. You click on them noticing the first picture to be your grandmother, you sat on the same picture for a few minutes just looking at the picture. You notice how genuine your smile was how your eyes crinkled from how happy you were. 

 Your grandmother had passed away a few months ago, it was really unexpected. She had cancer and a problem with her liver and the chemo basically destroyed the time she had left. Shawn was there with you through it all, he understood how hard it was on you and how close you were with her. He tried to be there as much as he could but it was nine months later and you were still mourning. 

 You felt the tears begin to fill your eyes as you looked at the photo, you let them fall not bothering to wipe them away. You click to the next photo seeing another of just your grandmother smiling and you felt a smile make it’s way to your lips. You decide to click out going to your voicemails you click on the last one from your grandma and her voice fills the speakers, you felt the tears streaming down your face as the voicemail went on. 

 You get off the couch turning it off, you walk into your bedroom and lay down on the bed turning off the lamp next to you. You lay your head sideways on the pillow still letting the tears fall as you laid there. You roll over putting your face into the pillow and let out a sob. You cried for a few minutes letting it all out, it felt like you hadn’t cried in so long. Your pillow felt damp from all the tears that had fallen, you knew you should call Shawn but this was his first night out with the guys in so long that you didn’t want to bother him. 

 You cried even harder at the thought that nobody else understood how upset you were, you had a special relationship and nothing could ever replace that and nights like these seemed to always eventually roll around. You sit up walking to the bathroom noticing your face was red and blotchy, something that always happened when you cried it was a dead giveaway for anyone who wanted to know if you were upset. You felt it begin to get harder to breath and you started gasping for air feeling like your throat was closing up. 

 ‘’Y/N?’’ You hear Shawn’s voice ask. You look over and standing at the bathroom door was Shawn his face was shocked and glanced over your body looking for injuries, ‘’Baby,’’ He says walking over to you wrapping his arms around your neck and you fall into him, your body felt like it was giving out and you were exhausted. 

 ‘’Im-I’m sorry,’’ You stutter out still not being able to breath. Shawn stays there hugging you rubbing your back as you cry into his shirt.

 ‘’Why are you crying?’’ He asks taking his body away from yours but you were still in reach of each other, He takes his hands putting them on your cheeks wiping your tears. 

 ‘’I just get really sad sometimes, I miss my grandma,’’ You admit to him, you sometimes felt like you were being just too emotional somedays but they just hit you and you couldn’t help it, the slightest thing that reminded you of her would make you cry. ‘’I’m sorry.’’ 

 ‘’Y/N, You don’t need to apologize,’’ He says to you looking into your eyes which were still filled with tears. ‘’Why didn’t you call me?’’ He asks. 

 You sigh and pull him back into a hug, your head laid on his chest and you hear him take in a deep breath before wrapping his arms around you. ‘’I didn’t want to ruin your guy’s night,’’ You say to him. 

‘’Y/N,’‘ He sighs. 

‘‘I know, you just haven’t been out with them in a long time and I didn’t want you to have to come home to this,’‘ You say. ‘‘I’m fine, I just need to be sad for a few hours and then I’ll be okay it’s always like this.’‘ You say to him. It really did seem like the same routine, you would go a few weeks being okay not crying and then all of a sudden you felt this wave of emotions just hit you and everything else just came with it. 

‘‘This happens often?’‘ He asks. He pulls away from the hug and takes your hand walking you over to the bed. You sit down and he takes the covers pulling them over you, you smile at him as you watch him undress down to only his boxers. He walks over picking up his side of the blanket and sliding in bed next to you. You both lay flat on your backs you were snuggled into his arm and your head was laying on top of his arm as he traces circles in your arm. You felt your self slowly regaining your breath as you took the time to calm down, also having Shawn there helped.

 ‘’I just get so sad sometimes, I don’t know why some weeks are just worse than others,’’ You admit to him, you feel him shift his head but you don’t move. ‘’Like tonight it was a snapchat memory she was in, I just can’t get over she was here a year ago and now she’s not.’’ You say feeling a tear roll down the side of your face. 

 Shawn leans up looking at you his head resting on his hand as he put his weight on his elbow leaning up to look down at you. ‘’I wish I could say something to make it better, to help you.’’ He says a pained expression on his face. You knew he wished he could help but it seemed like only time could do that, ‘’It’s okay to have bad days, It’s okay to be upset.’’ He says. 

 ‘’I know but being sad just makes me feel..weak I guess,’’ You say to him. ‘’I mean not really weak but like I don’t know I know I should be trying to stay positive because that’s what she would want but it’s so hard because she was apart of that positivity.’’ You say trying to explain yourself as best as you could. ‘’Like how can you be positive when a source of where you got that positivity is gone?’’ You ask him. 

 He doesn’t answer for a few seconds, ‘’You have to find some new positivity, not replace it but find something new that makes you happy.’’ He says. ‘’Like try art or do some writing?’’ He says to you. 

 You had no idea what you would write about, art was something you were always into but you were shit at doing it yourself. ‘’Maybe,’’ You say. 

You feel Shawn grab ahold of your hand intertwining your fingers, ‘’I’m here no matter what Y/N,’’ He says taking your hand and pulling it up and giving it a kiss, ‘’I want to help you, no matter how long it takes.’’ He says. You feel yourself smile and you turn your head to look at him, you lean up giving him a soft kiss on his lips. You pull away and lean your forehead against his closing your eyes. 

 ‘’Promise?’’ You ask him. 

‘‘I’m here, I promise.’‘ He says. 

Wellllll, This got very personal for me. For the most part everything I wrote in this imagine about the reader was spot on with my life right now. My grandma passed away a few months ago and I still have these panic attacks over it and still listen to her voicemails. It doesn’t happen too often but like I say some weeks are worse than others. Thanks for being inside my head for a bit.

#Shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfiction #shawn mendes angst #shawn mendes fluff

[agentbarton12]

Old People Teenager Watchers

A/N: gonna be completely honest and tell you that i forgot i hadnt finished posting this. like, its been done and ive writen it but i completely fogot i had to post it. anyway, here you go!

part 1 - part 2 - part 3 - part 4 - part 5 - part 6

—

the invitation — 6

Teenagers, in Tony's opinion, are the strangest breed of people. He’s pretty sure when he hired one, he was not hiring their mood swings, rebellious tendencies and relationship problems as well, but, it seems “you can’t get one without the other” or something dumb like that.

Tony liked to believe that over the last three odd years, he had gotten better at handling teenagers, but apparently not.

Truly, he was too old for this. He needed to fill in his formal Teenage Babysitter Resignation forms and hand them in to the board of Old People Teenager Watchers (“Parents, Tones. They’re called parents.”).

When Steve told Tony what that idiot Peter was thinking of doing, Tony's knee-jerk reaction was to say no. But then he thought about it and sighed.

A heavy sigh.

Not because he was worried, or because he thought it was a bad idea, no, Tony was apprehensive because it would work. Like, it really would. And Tony knew that the only way it would, was if he helped.

And then he sighed again.

Despite this, Tony agreed to help because he thought he should. He thought Peter was on to something and he really needed a reason not to be mad at him anymore. Nearly everyone had gotten over Peter’s idiocy, if only because MJ did, and had moved past it. Tony tried to, but he couldn’t because Peter kept looking at MJ like the sun and the moon shone out of her eyes.

It was disgusting.

And endearing.

But mainly the first one.

The only problem with this staring was that Peter seemed unaware he was doing it. He had convinced himself that he liked Gwen and not MJ and now, refused to admit that he was being dumb.

Okay, okay, he used to refuse to admit that he was being dumb.

Because this was the whole reason of the plan. After an eye-opening conversation with literally ever woman in Peter’s life (Pepper, May, Nat, Wanda, Laura, Shuri, Hope, Jane, Darcy, Carol, Valkyrie, Okoye, Christine, hell, even those Guardians touched down on Earth for a while to give him advice), he spoke with Gwen who, surprisingly wasn’t upset at all. No, no, she was not. In fact, she came up with most of the logistics of the plan. Tony actually took a liking to her eventually. After he got past the fact that Peter claimed to like her, she turned out to be a really nice girl, and if MJ didn’t exist, he wouldn’t mind Peter dating her.

But, MJ did exist and now Tony had been tasked with the impossible feat of getting MJ to the tower. It was impossible because no one — not even Pepper on a bad day — could get her to do something she didn’t want to do. And since it was seven o’clock on a Thursday night, Tony knew she wouldn’t want to leave her bed.

Emmjaaay

Emmmjaaayyy, hurry up and get to the tower!

It’s an emergency!

Ned’s in trouble!! Come nowww!!!ii

Emmjaay

[video attached] he looks fine to me

TonyMan

Uhh...

Emmjaaay

also you text like a child

also also im curious as to why youd lie to get me out of bed on a thursday, so ill be there

tell the babysitter to pick me up

TonyMan

Auto-correct, MJ.

Please.

The video was a screen recording of a Snapchat Story Ned posted. It showed him, Sam and Thor sitting on pool chairs with sunglasses on, and the caption was literally, Living the trouble-free life.

Tony really needed to make sure he and Ned were on the same page before he did something.

He was surprised when MJ agreed to come over, but decided not to think too much about it and sent Happy to pick her up. He complied, grumpily, but complied nonetheless.

He told everyone of the success of his mission, but instead of being greeted with thankful hearts, everyone started running around trying to get everything in order, which just confused Tony because as far as he was concerned, the plan was just get MJ to the Tower so Peter could do whatever it was he was going to do. There was literally no reason for everyone to act like they were planning a wedding.

When MJ arrived, Peter took her up to the roof and everybody, like, everybody ran up to the common room and asked FRIDAY for the security footage on the roof with sound.

The Avengers and Avengers Children sat around and on the couch for a clear view of the holographic screen that was being projected up. They could see them standing on the roof. MJ, once again, was not wearing her own clothes and had put on a sweater she stole from Bruce and basketball shorts that could’ve either been Sam’s, Peter’s or Thor's. Her back was to Peter and Tony could feel how much he wanted to reach out and hug her.

“So, did you bring me out here to murder me or for the view?” MJ asked not turning back to look at Peter.

“Uh, yeah, it’s a killer view,” he responded, rubbing his neck sheepishly.

She turned to him slightly. “That was so achingly lame, my dad turned over groaning in his grave.”

He chuckled nervously. “Peter Parker: Dad Joke Extraordinaire,” he tipped an imaginary hat.

She held his gaze for a few seconds, before looking away. “Idiot.” Peter just smiled at her back and looked at for far longer than what was deemed ’friendly’.

“Oh, god,” Sam groaned.

“This is gonna take way longer if he keeps doing that,” Bucky muttered, rubbing his beard in frustration.

They stopped their mutterings when Peter spoke. “I am. An idiot. I am an idiot.” MJ gave him the slightest of gazes, before training her eyes on the skyline in front of her. “A huge one,” he went on, “for not telling you I love you too.”

The eyes of the Avengers widened and Thor choked on his Pop Tart. Tony remembered that they never really got an explanation for MJ's behavior all those weeks ago and this is the first time they’re hearing this.

“I'm sorry, but when did MJ tell him that she loves him? How did I miss this? Why did no one tell me this?” Wanda was rambling at this point and no one shushed her because she was voicing their thoughts. As if she had a revelation, she gasped and said, “Was it that night MJ — ?”

“ — Shh!” Natasha said, as MJ started speaking.

“Yeah, you did. Remember, when you then proceeded to ask Gwen out?” Peter gulped at the memory.

“Excuse me, what?” Steve asked the screen. The common room erupted in noise as everyone started yelling about how they needed to know things like these. Tony looked over at Gwen who was sitting on the floor and saw Ned put a reassuring arm on her shoulders.

Peter took a breath. “That’s what makes me an idiot. I should’ve told you before. Like, two-years-ago before. Because I’ve loved you for, like, ever, but me, being the idiot I am, didn’t realise it.

“I knew I liked you, but when Gwen came and I liked her, I thought that meant I liked her more, I guess. But, that night outside my room, I fell in love with you all over again, because you continued to put what you thought was what I wanted as your top priority. Even if it was hurting you.” Peter took a breath. The whole common room was on the edge of their seats and Tony was pretty sure that Bucky had gotten FRIDAY to Skype it to Wakanda where Shuri and her brother were no doubt watching.

“The past few weeks have sucked so much because I realised just how much I adored you. Like, sometimes it gets physically painful to breathe whenever I think about you and Tony has told me so many times how disgusting it is when I look at you like you’re the only person in the world. And I’m trying, MJ, but, honestly, I still haven’t figured out how sit across from you and not be madly in love you with everything you do.

“This is more an apology than anything else, because I hurt you and I was an idiot and you deserve better than that.”

“…I taught him that,” Sam said after a moment or two of utter silence in the common room.

“Shut. Up,” Clint said hitting him in the head.

“If that is true, Son of Wil, you did a mighty excellent job at teaching the Man of Spiders how to woo the ladies,” Thor said.

MJ looked at him for the first since his speech. “Now what?” Peter looked stunned. “I’m not about to jump into your arms because you said all that, because that’s some dumb, cliché romcom BS and I ain’t about that.”

“Yes, girl!” Shuri yelled from the other end of the call.

“And you hurt me. Like, a lot. Like, I was pretty sure that at some point, Scott was gonna kill you. But, I’m not going to stand here and say that I don’t love you either, because I’m not a liar. I do love you. But, I hate you too. So, this…thing, it’s moving at my pace, how I say it will, got that?”

Peter nodded mutely, a large grin slowly gracing his features. “You see all that cute poetry junk you just spewed a moment ago? Yeah, you should stop that. I might actually end up liking you.”

Peter grinned evilly. “Oh? So I probably shouldn’t tell you that you’re the last thing I think of before I close my eyes?”

“Smooth,” Clint said, nodding slightly. Thor silently gave Sam a fist bump.

MJ's eyes crinkled and her mouth twitched ever so slightly, an almost smile. “No,” she said, “you shouldn’t 'cause that’s just creepy.”

“I love you,” Peter said breathlessly.

“It’s like you want me to break up with you.”

Peter shrugged. He grabbed her hand and pulled her into him. “I love you,” he said again with her face inches away from his.

“Stop.”

He shook his head. “Nope. You know why? Because I do. I love you.” He looked her in the eye before turning away and yelling into the night, “I love Michelle Jones!”

She punched him in the arm. “Don’t make me regret hugging you.”

“But you’re not — ”

He was silenced by her crashing into him and he stood stunned for less than a second, before he wrapped his arms around her and he settled his head in the crook of her neck due to the height difference.

“YES!” the common room erupted into cheers as everyone, everyone stood up in excitement. Scott called Hope and told her everything. Clint, followed his lead and phoned Laura to update her on the newest development. Hugs were given and tears were shed.

They all decided to stick around just in case something…interesting happened and so they remained in the common room.

Tony thought he’d hang onto his position in the Old People Teenager Watchers Committee just a little longer.

“How long do you think they’re gonna stay in the common room watching us before they realise that we’re trolling them and aren’t planning on leaving until they do?” MJ asked Peter as they remained hugging on the roof.

“Dunno. They like snooping. Probably waiting for us to kiss or something.”

MJ stayed silent. Then, “We should have sex. Give them something to watch, y'know?”

Peter’s eyes widened. “Wh-What?”

Tony jumped up and told FRIDAY to connect him to the roof speakers. “You two get off that roof right now, or so help me I will ban you from looking at each other. Get down. Now.”

The last thing he heard from the two was MJ's cackling as they got off the roof. And the cackling of his fellow teammates.

Never mind, Tony was resigning.

#avengers #marvel #peter parker #spiderman #michelle jones #ned leeds #spideychelle #iron man #tony stark #mcu #iron dad #spideyson #domestic!avengers

[r2dy2-blog]

Dear darling, 

This is stupid, I know. But I miss you. With everything my heart has to give. I’ve only just begun, and already had to pause to stop myself from crying three times. How tragic. Make that four.. I stopped writing, because I thought I had my emotions under control. Had to get a new phone, so I lost a lot of pictures, notes, and screenshots. Car broke so that had to go. Laptop broke so I lost even more pictures and memories. Everything broke in a way that I wasn’t able to do a back up or transfer my files, etc. It’s like everything that had any memories with you forced itself out. Lord knew I wasn’t able to do it myself. I even got myself to unfollow you on social media in hopes that it’ll help me heal a little faster. I did all I could, yet even with all of that, all the pain still remains. 

Aeron told me he was proud of me. He said I sees my stories on snapchat and ig, says I looked so much happier. But there’s a difference between showing my feelings and having them. I stopped posting my feelings in front of everyone, because no one cares. I’m on my own. On the upside, I got my depression under control. I’ve been sad, but I haven’t wanted to kill myself. I’m happy about that at least. But it came with a downside. 

It’s been hard. So. Fucking. Hard. I’m still having dreams about you. Some are good: we’re going on dates, laughing, being stupid like we always were. But some were bad: me screaming words I never got the chance to say, me crying my heart out while watching you leave me for another girl. You never screamed at me. You were never angry. You were gentle and calm, hurting me without any regret. I’ve had these dreams, if you could even call it dreams, about 4-5 times a week since the day it all happened. So I’m sorry for calling you at 5 am the other day. I missed feeling safe with you. 

I haven’t stopped crying. Not even a little. I kept saying it to myself and to others in hope that it’ll help push things along, but it’s just not working. It’s become a routine that any time you pop into my head, I would go start a new project, do homework, read, start a conversation, do a face mask, anything to get my mind off of you. It hasn’t worked yet. It’s frustrating, really. It doesn’t even wait for me to be alone in my bed at 3 am. I break into tears nearly every day whether I’m in a meeting, hanging out with friends, watching a funny movie, driving, shopping, etc. For a while I tried different tricks for holding it in and moving on with me day. Guess how many of those actually worked. 

Our relationship was weird...it looked so much better from the outside.. I loved..no, love. I love everything you are, even with all your history and mistakes. But I was never okay. Everyday I was with you, you never tried. You never made me feel pretty. You never made me feel like I was worth it. I gave all I had to you, even if I was hurting deeply. I felt alone, and ugly, and stupid. I put all the blame on myself, to avoid pointing fingers. Said it was my social anxiety and depression that held me back from going out and why I was always so tired. You always complained about how sleepy I always was. Could you blame me?.. I put all my energy into you, with barely anything in return. I told you I didn’t want physical gifts, since you always complained about money. You couldn’t even make me feel like I was someone special to you. 

I told you I missed you recently. You said you didn’t want to give me any hope that we’d ever be together anytime soon. As much as my heart would jump at you saying “let’s give it one more try”, I honestly don’t know if i’d even be able to be with you. With anyone, for that matter...Because of you. Christine. Katy. Everyone. You all hurt me at once, when you already knew how bad I was hurting without all of this drama. Someone complimented me at school, and I found myself getting furious. I don’t know why. I’ve only had sex twice, not even wanting to either time. People keep saying to hook up and talk to others because it’ll help me get over you. I can’t get myself to do it. I feel like I’m on full defense mode. I want you back. I want you home. I wanna hear your voice and your laugh and what stupid shit your mom is doing and how smart your nephew is and what new get together tita peachy is always having. I wanna hear you nerd out or get frustrated at work and Arlene’s shingles. I want you back in my arms. But I’m so scared. Of everyone. I’m terrified and I miss you. I’m sorry for everything..

Sincerely, 

Me

[stephhannes]

internet deadtiquette

i only keep up with a couple of podcasts, one of them being reply all, and the most recent episode resonated with me. in the episode, they speak with a dad who lost his son to an aneurism, and he goes on to talk about how technology has been entwined in his grief. and i found myself a) feeling less alone in the way that i’ve been grieving, but b) asking myself- how has the internet played a part in my recovery?

i never thought about it, but technology has been such an intrinsic part of my grieving process. so much so, that it’s felt natural and normal- even though looking in on it, there’s something hard and unnatural about it. how do i balance broadcasting my grief in a way that’s palatable in 240 characters but not compromising my truth? (spoiler: i’m very bad at this). 

things were simpler when my dad died, because i didn’t once have to consider things like: “what statement will i make on social media?” “how do i respond to messages from people  haven’t talked to since i graduated from high school?” “how sad is ‘too sad’ to appear online?”

from the beginning, since nathan’s died, technology has been right there. the day that it happened, while we were still making phone calls to family and close friends, i was thinking about what my “official” public statement would be. how do i concisely convey that the love of my life is dead when i haven’t slept in hours and barely know how to say a full sentence? i posted a picture of that one entry in teddy roosevelt’s journal from the day his wife and mother died. “the light has gone out of my life.” 

that was the only thought i could conjure up that day. i accompanied it with a few short sentences- “the last day, my brain has been on a constant loop of thinking about that quote from teddy roosevelt’s journal after his wife died- “the light has gone out of my life.” yesterday, i lost the light of my life. my best friend, my brilliant, incredible, kind, adjectives fiancé has passed away.” 

speaking of the whole ‘contacting family and friends’ thing, do you know how awkward it is to send a facebook message to someone you’ve never talked to asking for their boss’s phone number? at some point in the contacting phase, i realized that nathan wouldn’t be at work on monday and that people would have questions as to where he was, so i had to do some gymnastics to figure that out. the company that nathan worked for had a very generic name, so finding the correct office phone number was kind of off the table. i couldn’t find his boss on facebook- but i happened to remember the full name of one of nathan’s coworkers- so i found her on facebook and messaged her. “hi, this is out of the blue and i’m sorry, but i’m stephanie, nathan’s fiancee. nathan passed away this weekend and we’d like to get in contact with your boss. could you please pass along a phone number or other contact information so we can? thanks in advance.” imagine waking up one day and getting that message from a stranger. 

when it came to contacting people, i only needed to tell my mom and the four friends i have. but when it came to nathan’s friends i wasn’t sure who all to contact. how do you decide who gets to know before a public facebook statement? will there be people that are angry that i excluded them? 

and then after the announcement came the condolences. i hate that i live a life where i’m easily accessible by people i haven’t talked to in years. but still, i got messages from people i graduated with and got texts from numbers i had deleted years ago. 

i’ve always been skeeved out by the concept of people writing on the facebook wall of someone who’s died. thankfully, only a couple of people did it- but i hated almost all of it. i think the thing i hate about this sort of public display of grief is that it’s so transparent, but here’s a life tip: not everything has to be about you. when people post these outward, shallow reflections on facebook, it’s to become a grief vampire, to get a pat on the back for “doing a good deed.” 

i also hate that i had to watch people speculate, publicly what had happened to nathan. someone who we went to high school with made some sentimental post about him and someone commented asking “holy shit. what happened to him???” someone else made a post asking people to pray for our family and rip. once again, someone else commented asking what happened. i get that this is a pretty innocuous exchange, but seeing it written out in a facebook post, being discussed by people who don’t know us well just felt like i was watching two people whispering about me right in front of my face.

the worst part was seeing a comment that said “RIP. at least he’s with (his dead ex from high school) now.” 

when i first saw it, i was so upset that someone would say that…in public…where i can see it. i was almost angry, but i didn’t have the energy to respond, since i was busy planning nathan’s funeral at that time. i told my friends about it, and one of them confronted the girl instead: 

“hey, your comment about nathan was pretty disrespectful and it upset his fiancee a lot. would you please delete it?”

“actually, what’s disrespectful is you messaging me. i didn’t even know he had a fiancee and she just lost someone so she’s going to take offense to anything and everything. i didn’t say anything wrong. besides, everyone knows that (his ex) was his first love and if it wasn’t for what she did they would still be together.” 

not only is she shitty in public, apparently she’s also shitty in private. 

it was so apparent to me that she literally knew nothing about nathan and was just trying to cash in on some brownie points to look like a good person to everyone else- but i was so deeply offended. 

my friend had to contact the person who made the original post to just delete the girl’s comment and that was the end of it. 

the one post on his wall that i didn’t hate was from one of his friends. i had never met her before, but i knew of her, solely because she used to send nathan snaps of her cat all the time and subsequently, nathan would show me the snaps and we were both in love with her cat. she made a sweet post on his wall, and i sent her a message telling her that i appreciate her words and also that we loved seeing her cat. she offered to add me on snapchat and continue to send me pictures occasionally, and that’s one of the nicest things anyone’s done for me.

you know what i didn’t realize would happen? the first time i posted a selfie after nathan died, a few people made “it’s nice to see you smiling!” comments. i’ve never been conscious of my instagram feed, but after realizing that people were trying to use my posts as barometers to my happiness- i felt a lot more claustrophobic when it came to my feed.

+++

when my dad died, the grieving process looked fairly linear. i was sad for awhile, and with time, it got easier. his death isn’t something that plagues me anymore, and it stopped consuming me pretty quickly. part of that was because i was pretty removed from my home at that time- he died right before school started so i was living on my own, pre-occupied with not flunking out of undergrad, not surrounded by pieces of my father. the only digital footprint of my dad was a handful of selfies we’d taken together, but other than that, there was no facebook profile, no online connection to any of his friends. if i wanted to access my dad, i had to work for it.

though nathan was fairly private and didn’t have an instagram or twitter that he actively used, there was still facebook, and still vague traces of him across the internet. 

i can’t stop doing things that hurt me, and the internet provides more things that hurt me. when my dad died, the only things i could do that would really pain me were listen to voicemails, and listen to songs that made me think of him. with nathan’s death, i can sit and read through all of our texts. or read through all of our facebook messages. or check snapchat and have it tell me that it’s been 45 weeks since i last received a snap from him. or have a facebook “on this day” memory pop up with a post he made on my wall ten years ago. 

i have these moments where i am so desperate to feel close to nathan again. and i try to scrap together every trace of him i have. physically, there isn’t much. i have some of his old clothes, and a couple of tshirts that smell like him- but digitally i have years of things he’s said to me, i have pictures- ones of us together, ones i took of him sleeping, ones other people have taken of him- i have two voicemails, i have one video. 

there’s something about having digital access to nathan that brought out a desperation in me. 

when i got back to our apartment from the hospital after nathan died, my brain was shattered into a million pieces, each piece trying to answer a different question. however, at one point in the hours after his death, i got fixated on one thing: where the fuck was his phone? i tore the sheets from the bed and scoured every inch of the apartment and it was nowhere to be found. i don’t know why i wanted it so badly, but when i realized that it was gone i was so stressed out. the phone must have been in his pocket when he died, it must have gone to the hospital. it’s probably gone. i finally fell asleep, my brain reset by the time i woke up and the missing phone was no longer on my radar. eventually, i just resolved that i wouldn’t ever see it again and that was that. a couple of weeks later, his parents and i went back to philadelphia to clean out our apartment and his mom decided to follow the phone trail again. the hospital didn’t have it- they said the organ donation people probably have it- the organ donation people didn’t have it- they said the medical examiner probably has it- and finally we got a bag of nathan’s belongings from the medical examiner: complete with phone, drivers license, and one earring.

here’s the problem with a phone that’s been dead for two weeks: you need the passcode to turn it back on. i’m pretty sure my fingerprint unlocked his phone, but i had no idea what his passcode was. 

here’s the second problem: his passcode was at least 6 characters long. the only thing i knew about it was that it was more than four characters, and i know that makes it exponentially harder to try to guess or use a program to guess the passcode.

there wasn’t necessarily anything i knew i wanted off of his phone, but i wanted answers as to why he died, and i think part of me thought i could get answers from his phone. but a bigger part of me knew that i wouldn’t get any answers, so i gave up. 

i factory reset his phone. it’s no longer in my possession. 

cracking the phone case wasn’t the only technological rabbit hole i went down. the day i finally got into nathan’s laptop, i remember texting one of my friends, exclaiming “I DID IT! I HACKED INTO THE MAINFRAME!”

nathan had two computers, a laptop for personal use and a desktop that he used for work and gaming. 

once again, in my pursuit of trying to find answers, i thought that maybe his laptop would tell me something. i don’t know exactly what answers i thought his browsing history could illuminate, but maybe there would be something there. however, i had very low expectations as to what i’d find- nathan browsed the internet in a very strange way. he’d do this thing where pretty much every link he clicked on or everything he did he’d do in an incognito window. inherently i knew his chrome history would be pretty bare. nevertheless, i was determined to get in.

much like his phone password, i also didn’t know his laptop password. the only thing i knew was that his password hint was the same for both his laptop and his desktop. after setting this mystery to the side for a week, it hit me. the summer i moved to nyc he went away for a week, and when he left, he gave me the password to his desktop so i could use the big monitor to watch netflix or game to entertain myself while he was gone. 

i had to go through old SMS messages that had been saved on my macbook to find the text with the password. and i found it. and if the password hint was the same for both of his computers, then the password had to be the same, right? right.

i did it. i hacked into the mainframe. 

and like i suspected, i found nothing. nothing suspicious in his search history, no shady messages on reddit, no word documents, no weird facebook correspondences. 

the only thing i found was a snapshot of the last moments before he died. the last webpage he’d opened that night was at 11:02pm. i called 911 at 11:11pm. for some reason, gaining that perspective fucked with me. 

+++

i started this blog as a way to vent. i wanted to keep a record of what was going on in my life and how i was coping. i am a container of stories about nathan, and i wanted to make sure that i wasn’t forgetting things. i spent so much time in the months immediately following nathan’s death forgetting. i forgot what his laugh sounds like. i forgot exactly what his hair smelled like. i wanted to try to forget as little as possible, and by having a written record of the thoughts and memories i have of him i felt like i was gaining a little bit of control over the situation. but now that i have this audience, sometimes i find myself trying to make sure that i filter myself appropriately. i have to discern what memories i want to keep for just the two of us, and which ones i want to share. 

pretty shortly after nathan died, i started a note on my phone called “things that are too fucked up to tweet right now, but maybe revisit in a few months?” 

the list included such hits as: 

sarah just got me a “promoted to fiancee shirt,” do they make “downgraded to widow” ones?

y’all ever go from planning a wedding to planning a funeral? 

my fiance being dead means i now have two urns to take holiday pictures with

GREAT, now i have to change my emergency contact AGAIN

i used to have a ‘segment’ on this blog where i’d post the messages i had been sending to nathan’s facebook- and eventually i had to stop. mostly because i realized that the messages were truly just this very honest and raw expression of my deepest grief- i usually only send him messages when i’m feeling the most upset. that’s one of those things that needed to be kept for just us.

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it’s strange, the way the internet has become one of the biggest coping mechanisms for me. even though it’s introduced a whole shitload of inconveniences, it’s given me a lot as well. one of my favorite things that happened was a handful of his friends sending me facebook messages with either pictures of him, or a memory of him, that’s the one instance where i’m glad to be easily accessible. my favorite thing about having the internet on my side this time around is feeling less lonely. when i listened to that episode of reply all, i heard so many little things about someone else’s grief that i was also experiencing. sometimes you ask yourself if you’re grieving properly, if what you’re doing is weird, or okay- and hearing that i’m not the only one processing things in the way that i do gives me that little bit of reassurance that i’m doing alright. 

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you wanna know the worst thing my iphone has done to me? i was scrolling through my camera roll, and i accidentally swiped up on one of the pictures. apparently photos will now show you “related photos” to the one you swipe up- and for some reason the algorithm decided one of the photos related to the one i swiped up on was a picture i had taken of nathan at his wake. i can’t believe steve jobs’ ghost would blindside me like that honestly.