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voiceless-terror · 3 years

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Hi ily and I love bothering people with prompts, so I'm requesting "a character who’s so exhausted his hands are trembling, his eyes are dull/unfocused, he’s starting to hallucinate… and his team needs him to stay awake" with Jon and literally anyone at any time (except s5 because it's too emotionally taxing for me to keep up with oop-)

Hello there, Shannon! Here you go! This takes place in Season Two, when all is not great with the Archives team. Hope you like! <3

“And you’re sure this requires all four of us?”

“Yes, Jon,” Elias sighed, his annoyance clear even through the phone. “Believe it or not, I am trying to help you. You’ve managed to alienate almost all of your staff, so perhaps this will do you some good. You seem to enjoy ‘following-up’ these days, unlike in your first months in the position.”

That stung a bit.

It wasn’t his fault someone had died in the Archives, and that someone happened to be his predecessor. It was a natural reaction to feel some paranoia, though he will admit he might have gone a little...overboard, in some of his investigations. Tim certainly thought so. Sasha was her usual cool, aloof self avoiding him as much as possible. Martin was the only one that treated him the same, probably better than he deserved after accusing the man of being a possible murderer. He dragged him out to lunches and hovered in the evenings when Jon stayed late. He was the one who accompanied him to the clinic after his incident with Michael. Jon couldn’t help the ache that went through his chest when he saw Martin still in the lobby, waiting to take him home and fussing over his bandages.

Walking him to his door.

And now Elias, of all people, was deciding to be more ‘hands-on’ after the intervention. The intervention where even Martin held him at arm's length, though he was still the friendliest face in the room. If this meant keeping his job, he would do it.

Though he wasn’t so sure he even liked his job anymore. But Jon kept pushing forward. He needed answers.

Telling his assistants was another story.

He stood in front of them, knowing he looked a mess. He’d seen himself in the mirror this morning after another failed attempt at rest. His hair was a mess, the dark circles under his eyes were turning a lurid purple. He looked waxy and gaunt and nothing he could do now would fix it. So he kept drinking his tepid black coffee and cheap energy drinks; frankly, they were the only thing keeping him going.

Nevertheless, he didn’t exactly inspire confidence.

“Seriously, Jon?” Tim wasn’t fond of using ‘boss’ anymore, not unless he was feeling particularly vicious. “It would be fine with two of us. Me and Martin can go and take shifts. You look like the living dead.”

“Tim,” Martin admonished, shooting him a look. “He’s right, though. You don’t look well, and I don’t think an all-night stake out is what you need right now. I mean, why are we even following up on this? It’s just some ‘vampire’ sighting that’s not going to pan out. Don’t we have more important things to be focusing on?”

“Elias insisted,” Jon tried for apologetic but must have missed the mark, judging by Tim’s narrowing eyes. “I’m- I wouldn’t make you do this, but I’m afraid-”

“Why does Elias even care about this?” Tim interrupted, slamming his drawer shut dramatically. The sound made Jon flinch- that wasn’t hard to do these days. “Did you even try to get out of it?”

“Of course I did,” Jon bristled. “I know- I know the last thing anyone wants to do is spend time with me. This wasn’t my idea-”

“That’s a bit hard to believe, Jon,” Sasha’s voice was mocking, though it remained light and easy. Sasha was always ready with a barb or a joke, mostly at Jon’s expense. “I’d think you’d enjoy this sort of thing- stalking, investigating. Or is that just with your co-workers?”

Tim snickered. Even Martin had a bit of a smile on his face, though he tried to hide it. Jon felt his face flush red.

“That’s not,” Jon began a defense but quickly backtracked, knowing it would be futile. “Elias wanted us to go tomorrow night. It’s about thirty minutes away, so if you don’t mind driving, Tim-”

“Anything for you, boss,” Tim muttered. “If you could try sleeping before then, that would be great. I filled my quota on catching you collapsing on the job.” The words were unnecessarily sharp and hurt Jon more than he cared to admit. He remembered a time when Tim was always around to lend him a hand, conscientious and kind. But he’d gone and ruined that now, hadn't he?

“I’ll be fine,” Jon straightened his back, refusing to meet anyone’s eyes. Tim snorted and turned back to his desk, Sasha did the same. Martin just stood there, giving Jon an appraising eye. It made him feel like he failed an exam or came up short on an examination.

This should be fun.

_______

Sleep eluded him for all but an hour that night. The face that greeted him in the morning looked even more horrific than the day before; Tim wasn’t far off in his assessment. He said as much as Jon entered the office.

“Christ, this is going to be fun,” Tim rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair as Jon hunched in on himself, defensively clutching his extra-large coffee.

“I did sleep,” he bit out, avoiding the man’s eyes. It was true.

“Sure. Just try taking a fucking nap this afternoon, okay?” The words sounded almost concerned, but Jon knew better. “I’m not listening to you snore in the backseat all night.”

“I’ll try,” Jon grumbled as he exited the room. A sudden sting hit his hand and he hissed; coffee had spilled from the lid of his to-go cup and was now running a scalding stream down his arm. His hand was shaking, a steady and insistent tremor that refused to calm despite his best efforts.

I’ll sleep this afternoon, he promised himself. Something’s gotta give eventually, right?

_______

Jon was wrong. Just my luck.

After two fruitless hours of tossing and turning, he finally gave up, leaving the office to grab a couple of energy drinks that he could hide in his bag. And now he was loaded in the backseat of Tim’s car, his heartbeat erratic and his chest tight. Martin had provided them all with coffee, though he handed Jon his with some reluctance.

“Are you sure you’re okay-”

“For the last time, yes, Martin!” The words came out harsher than he intended and Martin flinched back, avoiding Jon’s eyes as he got into the passenger seat beside Tim. “Don’t yell, Jon,” Tim commanded as he started the car. “God, you always were a right bastard when you’re sleep-deprived.”

“M’ sorry, Martin,” he mumbled to the ground. It was easier to focus on something stationary- whenever he looked out the window, his vision blurred and nausea churned in his stomach. And that’s why you don’t have energy drinks on an empty stomach. Stupid, stupid.

“It’s fine, Jon.” It didn’t feel fine.

By the time they arrived at the park where the supposed sightings took place, it was already dark. Tim had the radio playing softly in the background as he and Martin murmured in the front seats, a low sound Jon couldn’t hear. He wondered if they were talking about him.

Not everything’s about you. He shivered in his seat, drawing his coat tighter around his body. Sasha shot him a glance; she always had the hint of a smile on her lips, cold and calculating. As if Jon’s situation was amusing to her. Maybe it is.

He wished Martin was back here with him. Martin was warm, solid, and steady; Jon craved that, embarrassing as it was. But Martin likely didn’t want to be around him; unsurprising, with how Jon’s behaved.

The steady drone of sound was pleasant, a nice background hum that relaxed him incrementally. The occasional heart palpitations were starting to slow, and Jon felt himself relaxing for the first time in days. It was a sweet, blissful relief- surely a small nap wouldn’t be terrible, just enough to keep him going through the night-

A sharp jab in his side jolted him awake. He shot up with a yelp to find Sasha smirking, her face unreadable. “Don’t sleep on the job, boss.”

“Sorry, sorry,” he whispered, rubbing at his eyes and wishing for just a short reprieve. But the blurriness was worse now and his heart was back to its erratic rhythm- Sasha’s rude awakening had done its job.

“Maybe try looking out the window,” Tim suggested sarcastically. “We are here to do a job, you know. Not so you can zone out and sleep.”

“R-Right.” Jon didn’t mention that nobody else seemed to be doing the same. Still, he focused on the dim light emanating from the one streetlamp in the park. It was just an empty field at the edge of the woods. It would be hard to miss anything.

This went on for an hour, Sasha continually nudging him awake whenever he started to drift off. She was probably doing him a favor- who knows what horrors lurked in his nightmares, and the last thing he needed was to wake up screaming like a lunatic. He imagined word getting round to Elias that he was falling apart, even more unstable than previously thought.

And then something moved out of the corner of his eye- a small, dark shadow was standing in the middle of the park, barely visible by the light of the streetlamp. Jon let out a choked gasp as he leaned forward, hitting the back of Tim’s seat.

“L-Look!” he whispered urgently, pointing ahead. “Someone- someone’s there?”

“Where, Jon?” Sasha’s voice beside him was amused, playful. “I don’t see a thing.”

“Right there!” He insisted, and as if on cue the figure began moving forward, edging closer to the light. “It’s moving!”

“Jon,” Tim started, looking back at him with an inquisitive gaze. His voice was slow and measured. “What are you talking about? There’s nothing there.”

“There is!” He was aware he was begging now, a pathetic plea to just look, it’s right there, can’t you see?

Martin reached a hand to his shoulder, all concern and worry. “Jon, I promise you there’s-”

And that’s when the figure revealed itself, standing clear under the light. It was a woman, tall and sad. Her long hair was pulled back from her face with a headband, and she had round glasses and looked so, so familiar-

Sasha, his mind supplied. That’s not right. Sasha’s right beside him.

Sasha. It was insistent this time. Jon put a shaking hand to the door handle and wrenched it open, practically falling out of the car as the others protested behind him. But he paid them no mind and stumbled forward on weak legs. There were footsteps behind him but it didn’t matter because Sasha’s there Sasha’s there-

And then she was gone.

The park was silent and still, almost serene. And Jon stood under the lamp, his chest heaving and his heart racing until he collapsed in the soft, dewy grass. Sasha was in the car. Sasha wasn’t here. But it doesn’t make sense. He gagged, hands and knees digging into the earth as nothing came up but a small amount of bile and coffee. A hand went to his shoulder but he wrenched it off, a frustrated moan bubbling out of his throat as his eyes filled with tears.

“Sasha was here,” he wailed, no longer caring if he made a scene. “Sasha was here!”

“Jon? Oh fuck, oh God what do we do, something’s wrong-”

“Just pick him up, Martin, get him back in the car!”

Jon was hauled to his feet but his legs were shaky and useless; Martin cursed and scooped him up instead, unbearably gentle. He tugged at Martin’s shirt, desperate for someone to listen. “Sasha,” he hiccupped but Martin just hushed him, squeezing him tighter to his chest.

“Sasha’s in the car, Jon,” He whispered soothingly as Tim opened the car door. “See? Right there!” Sasha, with her wrong smile and her wrong face and her cold, cold hands-

Jon let out a shriek, thrashing and kicking as Martin tried to place him in the backseat by that thing. “No no no,” he cried and tugged at Martin’s jumper. “I don’t want to I don’t want to-”

“Get in the front, Sash,” Tim commanded, something unreadable in his eyes. “He’s not going to stop freaking out until you do. Martin can sit in the back.”

“So fussy,” she said mildly as she opened the door and did as Tim said. “Is he going to be okay?”

Jon could barely follow the conversation as Martin awkwardly crawled into the backseat and tried to maneuver him into his seatbelt. But Jon couldn’t let go because Martin was real and there and the only thing holding him together at the moment.

“Just drive,” Martin’s voice was hard and unlike him, but he squeezed Jon tighter to his chest and that was all he needed to finally give into the darkness at the edge of his vision.

_____

When he next woke he was tucked into a bed- his own, strangely. Light filtered gently into the room and Jon felt like he’d been run over by a truck several times over; every part of him aching and groaning as he attempted to sit up.

“Jon?”

Martin stood in the doorway, the picture of anxiety and worry. “God, I thought you’d never wake!” He hurried over to the side of the bed and placed a hand to his forehead that Jon leaned into. “You don’t feel warm. You’ve been asleep for almost sixteen hours. Are you okay?”

“Define ‘okay,’” Jon croaked, leaning back into the pillows. Sixteen hours but he still felt like hammered shit. “What- what happened? Why am I here?”

“You don’t remember?” Martin’s voice somehow managed to sound more worried. “God, you were- you were really out of it, Jon. Ranting about Sasha- you wouldn’t get near her. I thought we should take you to the hospital but Tim insisted you wouldn’t like that.” Tim was always the one who knew him best. “He had a key so we dropped you off, but I thought someone should stay behind- I mean, is that okay? I don’t want to overstep or anything, but you were really bad and I couldn’t-”

“It’s fine, Martin,” Jon cut him off gently. It was touching, in a way, that Martin would want to look out for him after the fit he apparently threw. “I, uh- thank you, I guess.”

“Really, it’s no problem,” Martin said, leaning back on his heels and fiddling with his hands. “I-I didn’t want to leave you alone, and I didn’t think you’d want to wake up to Tim or Sasha-”

“God,” Jon groaned and slumped over in bed, shame coursing through his veins. ‘“I’ll have to apologize to her tomorrow.”

“Yeah,” Martin agreed, though not unkindly. “But I think she’ll understand. You were exhausted, it’s not like you meant it.” I suppose that’s true, he thought. Just my paranoia out of control.

“I’ll make us some tea. You stay in bed, okay?”

“A-Alright.” Martin turned to leave the room but a thought logged itself in Jon’s brain and he reached a hand out to stop him. “Did you stop anywhere beforehand?” he asked. “Like the institute, o-or maybe Tim’s place?”

“No,” Martin replied, a puzzled look on his face. “Why?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Jon closed his eyes and leaned back into the pillows, feeling utterly drained. “It’s nothing.”

Martin exited the room and Jon tried not to think about the key he gave Tim ages ago, back when they visited each other with some regularity.

And the idea that it was still on his keychain, waiting to be used.

ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27457939

#prompts #my writing #tma #the magnus archives #jonathan sims #tim stoker #not!sasha #martin blackwood #jonmartin #angst #sickfic #whump #postapocalyptic-cryptic

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zombiesun · 3 years

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wait ur dad post is throwing me off, I want to be on board for these vibes but I can't tell if it's satire. god told him to be homo? near children sacrifice? this definitely explains a lot of ur mind and way of speaking and perceiving the world. did you have fun with ur dad or was this a way of putting a fun twist on a traumatic time? bc I can relate to that

this is probably the funniest ask I’ve ever gotten and exactly why I overshare on the internet. it’s not satire! my dad is really just like that! g-d did not tell him to be a homo (my father is very homophobic in a very righteous, g-d fearing way) but his relationship with g-d is very homoerotic. it’s not a joke or performance for him, he really does love his g-d more than anything or anyone else on the earth and he would do anything he felt “called” to do which was a rather unstable element in my childhood. however, there is a sense of romance between him and his terrifying deity and I think that devotion and passion is something that scared me a lot growing up but also something I see streaks of in my own faith practices. I’ve always had a very corrupted idea of faith/love before and seen them both as things that ultimately degrade/distort a person because the best parts of my dad were not his faith but it was unfortunately the biggest and most dominant part of him.

and he did tell us he would sacrifice us (lol, we were making sandwiches for lunch and I asked him jokingly and he responded with a severity I really will never forget) and since my family homeschooled us a lot of his religious abuse was ultimately never documented/held accountable so he could really get away with running his own, tiny, horrific religious cult consisting of my mother, me, and my three siblings. it was a really traumatic way to grow up. his faith was so unorthodox that we would keep on changing churches because of none of them matched his extreme, insane devotion and understanding of the bible. I talk about the story a lot where he woke us up at three am because g-d gave him a vision that we were all going to hell if he didn’t dunk us in water to “seal our entry to heaven” because it was really traumatic and vivid in my mind and one of the many instances of realizing “oh, my father is a really unwell man and there’s no one who is ever going to stop him” as a child. it was a really difficult way to grow up and the source of a lot of my anger against christianity as a faith and my fascination and knowledge on cults and how they function. a cult can sometimes be a family lead by an insane, unchecked, deeply unwell man and his complacent wife and four children who don’t go to school and aren’t allowed to leave the house. there was a period where my mom hand sewed all of our clothes because modern clothing was too immodest and we had to look different then other people. my childhood was really unorthodox and it was also squarely because of his idea of how people should act/exist and it being very different from mainstream society. (it was very captain fantastic sans the wilderness survival and replaced with him wanting us to be college athletes and making us train five days out of the week for it for the majority of my childhood/high school years.)

“this definitely explains a lot of ur mind and way of speaking and perceiving the world. did you have fun with ur dad or was this a way of putting a fun twist on a traumatic time?” anon I am telling this to my therapist verbatim because it’s so funny and something I would write in my own journal. if you wanted to tell me why exactly it explains my mind/way of speaking/perceiving the world I would absolutely be fascinated to hear it.

I did have fun with my dad though. He’s a funny, jovial, spirit of a child sort of man. A lot of my childhood was fun in a weird way, we had a six foot basketball hoop in our living room and bags of plastic balls to host neighborhood ball fights. He collects movies and since we didn’t have cable/internet for most of my childhood he would either pirate or buy movies for us to stimulate the feeling of Saturday cartoons. He’s eccentric and passionate, he doesn’t fit in with other people so in many ways he encouraged me to exist in my own strange way. He thinks I’m funny and smart, he always tells me that he loves me and he gives good hugs and there’s something comforting in that. I did hate him for most of my life though for very good reason. He’s the source of a lot of my issues with boundaries/forming healthy relationships because he was emotionally immature in a way that required me to parent/apologize for his actions at a really young age. I also had to deprogram my siblings after I escaped but three of the four of us still live with him despite my best efforts.

That was the most oversharing about my family I have ever done on this app lmao. It was a fun twist, because like, it’s funny now because I haven’t had to live with him for over five years and he can’t control my life anymore but also I think if I took it seriously again it would probably send me back like, five years worth of healing you know?

#mailbox #anoncore #religious trauma #cult trauma #lmn if this needs additional tags #sorry if this is more than you wanted anon you just really sent me down oversharing about my weird family lane #thanks 4 asking though #here's 2 coping with humor <3 #and frl if you want to go in further of how that makes me make sense #I would love to hear it #Anonymous

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kaflowypiec · 4 years

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For the ask meme: 001 for Hunter x Hunter; 002 for your beloved OTP, Ulquihime; 003 for Kurapika.

Thank you so much for asking!

001 | hxh

Favorite character: Meruem I just love redemption stories

Least Favorite character: Gayro’s dad or Kikyo or Rammot

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): Merumugi, Kilugon, Leopika, Hisoilu, Idk

Character I find most attractive: Palm (couldn’t see that coming huh?)

Character I would marry: out of trainwrecks that are characters in this series only Leorio is marriable but he’s too young for me

Character I would be best friends with: Senritsu! She should be patient enough to deal with me

a random thought: what if Hisoka is pretending to be Leorio? (for fucks sake Togashi-sama plz come back or I’m going to lose my mind)

An unpopular opinion: hopeful part of chimera ants arc is so underrated

My Canon OTP: Merumugi and Hisoilu (anyone can fite me)

My Non-canon OTP: Kilugon I just don’t think it’s mutual :’(

Most Badass Character: Komugi don't even try to tell me "my life" moment wasn't the most metal shit

Most Epic Villain: I love them all but Meruem again

Pairing I am not a fan of: Kurokura I adore enemies to lovers but honestly I just can’t see situation when they come to mutual understanding which is my favorite part of this type of ship

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): Pokkle in meaning his death was mega fucked up if not character assassination

Favourite Friendship: Kilugon, Senritsu and Kura (the fact he probably pushed her away is making me sad)

Character I most identify with: none

Character I wish I could be: *insert obnoxious suicide joke*

002 | Ulqihime

When I started shipping them: around 2012 I saw fanarts on DA and become curious why they look like that and what is their story so I snooped in this trash can called Bleach

My thoughts: the point where their story ends is just a beginning, he just realized what she mean to him and she forgive the fuckery he just did (this is how I interpret "are you afraid?. As" can you forgive the horrible things I did? ") and it makes this relationship so interesting and sad. There's so many scenarios that you can play with. Also there's a lot to explore about their time together in LN since the unmasked confirmed what we saw aren't all of their interactions.

What makes me happy about them: They cared about each other and he, a being that is not supposed to /don't want to let himself have feelings, loved her

What makes me sad about them: he's dead and just evaporated from her memories, his death meant nothing for her character development (bc Kubo quote "likes her how she is" congrats man you just confirmed you don't know shit about writing) and she's just an incubator for next generation of this wank and not a character

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: using violence, taking shit Ulquiorra said to other arancars seriously, Orihime still being a damsel in distress, Ulquiorra using medical/scientific terminology but also him being totally ignorant of human world

Things I look for in fanfic: I hadn't read fanfics in years tbh and around 2014 I read pretty much everything on ff.org and most of ao3 so at that point existing was everything I was looking for

My wishlist: Ulquiorra getting killed by zanpaktou so he can be reborn and meet her again / being healed by Orihime who makes her own decisions and stopped giving fuck/Orihime actually remember him, says his name instead of vague "I don't want to see any more arancars die" shit/ Ulquiorra coming back to roast the cursed outfit ("surprisingly it doesn't suit you" please i would fucking die)

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: Ishida for Hime I'm chill with this paring it's cute and shippers smoke far less crack, death for Ulqui

My happily ever after for them: just learning about and supporting each other and also acting silly

003 | Kura

How I feel about this character: making the cool analitical character extremely emotionally unstable is very interesting idea. His feelings are justified but his actions especially toward his friends aren't. Tho I like how realistic pushing friends away from himself is and how all his trauma and problems does not go away just because he has friends who can use talk no jutsu to make him turn 180° and just stop his auto destruction like that.

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: Leorio, queen Oito lately bc when she said she doesn't care about him my monkey brain went "oh boi what if she starts caring and it'll be sad" so it can also go non-romantically idc just make me cry Togashi-sama!

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: Wobble

My unpopular opinion about this character: I don't like mamapika to Gon too much

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: not die? Is this too much?

Favorite friendship for this character: Senritsu

My crossover ship: with good shouting from Elliott Nightray

#gooberinomcgee #It was fun to think about it all #Reply

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sesquipedalian-aficionado · 5 years

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Thoughts about the NEW SANDERS SIDES

WARNING FOR SPOILERS

All mine will be tagged “tsspoilers” so watch for that! And watch the vid so we can talk about it!!

THANK YOU THOMAS THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

"It sounds like he's against nazis, so...lets hear him out."

"That canNOT be where the bar is!"

YESSS VIRGIL SUBTLE META-BURN

Four-part harmony on "what about us" YESSSS

ALSO Virgil is panicking and it's SUCH STRONG CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT DONE SO WELL AHHHHHHHHHH

"Director of Psycho Godfather Wars" I'm SCREAMING

"I'm too emotionally unstable for jury duty"

‘MY BUTTERFINGERS’ THE DAD JOKES ARE OUT TONIGHT

"Did unlawfully, and with malice aforethought, falsely impersonate a better person" can we say IMPOSTOR SYNDROME

but really SAAAME

"The jury decides if he's guilty!!

-what am I doing. I don't...care." VIRGIL. BABE.

"What does the judge even do?!"

"His best!" Patton I love you so much

"Said with the confidence of a man with his hand stuck in the cookie jar. In a cookie factory. His pants are down, and on fire" IM USING THAT NOW

OMG I FORGOT LOGAN IS MISSING now I feel bad oops in fairness there's a lot happening

srsly though where's my boy

THERE HE IS "aaaaafidavit" is sooooo good too I love you my little nerd love

"Well maybe you shouldn't have been impersonated. Ever think about that?"

"Why is he still here?"

"He doesn't like nazis"

PATTON SWEARS ON A YOUTH BIBLE AND ROMAN SWEARS ON A VCR AHHHHH

Also deceit did NOT swear on anything (technically neither did Virgil)

"Ok...so, we kiss now? Or...?"

"I'm gonna allow it."

"WHY?!"

"I mean...did you SEE Logan's face?"

AHHHH YOU GUYS

*immediately* "I don't feel anything"

Deceit, sweetly: "aw, of course you don't!" LOGAN LOGAN BABE PLEASE

THE ARM THING I GENUINELY STARTED OUT LOUD LAUGHING LIKE A PSYCHO

"How's that working out for you?"

"It isn't." Same boo. Same.

"I didn't think that would work, and it didn't." MOOD

"I didn't say liar, I said...lawyer. Totally different" Yikes Deceit is bringing the SNARK

GUYSSSSSS ROMANS THE ONLY ONE NOT WEARING A NECKTIE BECAUSE HES NOT TAKING IT SERIOUSLY!!!! AND DECEIT IS IN A BOWTIE BECAUSE HES BEING SERIOUS BUT LYING

DECEIT IS IMPLYING THAT VIRGILS NAME ISNT ACTUALLY VIRGIL

WHAT

WHAAAAAAAAT

HOLD UP JUST A COTTON-PICKING MINUTE

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT

"The one and lonely! What? Freudian slip" Roman you poor darling it's okay

THEY MADE THOSE NAMES UP JUST FOR THE ROW YOUR BOAT JOKE THOMAS I LOVE YOU

"Say you had a stereotypical relationship between a man and a woman"

"You lost me" Roman you're such a useless gay it's lucky you're pretty

"Did he just say ‘smirk’" this from the man who said "nods in agreement" in an earlier vid Thomas honey don't be a hypocrite

"Oops she cancelled"

"THAT BITCH"

"That's a laugh and a half"

"No, that's a statement! ...Logan, that's a statement, right?"

Thomas' faces are the BEST in this vid

VIRGIL I LOVE YOUUUUUU...no context for that. I just saw his face again and was Compelled

HE SMILED AT PATTONS JOKE! VIRGIL BAAAAABE

Deceit it's a tad relevant that mr "the individual is most important" philosopher screwed over everyone in his life but go off I guess

'Friendship is a societal lie' no deceit you just don't have friends that's not the same thing

YES VIRGIL POINT OUT THE RACISM I LOVE YOU BOO

YES PATTON LOVE YOURSELF

Oooooh biblical metaphor, we went there

YOU ACCEPTED DECEIT YESSS where's that "you know what that is? Growth" gif

ROMANS SAD “Do I” HONEY BABE I’LL FIND YOU A BOYFRIEND WE’RE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW LETS GO OH WAIT HE’S HERE IT’S VIRGIL VIRGIL’S THE ONE FIND LOVE MY DARLINGS

Is it...important that he's got the snakes? I mean I know it is but like...Deceit was already a part of you? Oh well growth I guess

VIRGILS SMILES THIS EP I AM DYING OF LOVEEEEEEEE

"For the love of Archimedes" IM USING THAT TOO

YESSSSSS MORE DARK SIDES PLEEEEEEEEASE

Also I sort of just realized the implication that what anxiety is most scared of is like...other parts of Thomas? Which is...yep. Cool.

"Saying something as a fact, when you don't have the facts straight, is dishonest" SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK

"Nothing like a day that starts with me getting good news and ultimately leads to me questioning if I'm a bad person" well now I feel attacked but ok

#tsspoilers #ts #thomas sanders #sanders sides #virgil sanders #ts virgil #ts roman #ts patton #ts logan #deceit sanders #ts deceit #THE NEW SANDERS SIDES VID AHHHH THANK YOU THOMAS

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beardbot · 5 years

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As pride month comes to an end, I wanted to post a thing. Please forgive the large amount of text in the thing! Also I tried to throw in a picture!!

So, I usually don't talk about sexuality or relationships. This is partially because I'm just reserved (and fine, a bit prudish too), partially because I've only recently figured out myself, and partially because I feel like I don't need these spaces as much as other people, and it's selfish to claim them.

On that last point, my own identities are more quietly invisible, and less under direct attack, than others. Asexuality is dismissed and erased, but people believing it isn't a real thing is not as damaging as actual physical harm or denial of human rights. It's "weird" but it's not seen as violating anyone's religion or "family values" or lifestyle, or whatever else is used to justify violence and bigotry against others. (Unless you count men who are offended you don't want to be Graced with the Royal Penis after getting an unsolicited dick pic.) Bi- and pansexuality are more dramatically erased, and with additional risks, but at least I'm placed under the umbrella of "has a serious boyfriend." Either way, I've either been pushed out of communities or simply felt like I didn't need them. The latter 90% of the time.

Regardless, here I am going on about it anyway! Placing my flag on pride month. My identity, what I joke about being my "alphabet soup version," is panromantic demisexual. If that sounds confusing to you, don't worry, I get it. I grew up in Florida 😂 seriously though, I didn't settle on this until graduate school. Once I even did figure it out, I didn't label it until later. Most of the time, my identity is bisexual when I don't want to argue about asexuality, and asexual when I don't want to argue about bisexuality. But I want to just be more open about it.

Panromantic demisexual. Panromantic meaning romantically attracted to anyone across sex and gender (not just men, or women, or exclusively men and women). Basically "bisexual" but with romantic attraction, and without a strict binary of men and women. Demisexual meaning only sexually attracted after being emotionally involved first, for me usually romantically attracted. Basically "not into one-night stands" you could say. I guess first you need to accept that romantic and sexual attraction are two separate things, which I was not even conscious of for the longest time. Shout out to terrible sex education! 👌

I grew up confused when lumping these two things together - having crushes and wanting to date people, but simultaneously being repulsed by the idea of sexual intimacy with them (or anyone), at least for a long time. Thinking I was broken, or indecisive, or unstable. But alas! Two separate things.

The easiest example is being sexually attracted to someone, but not romantically (you don't want to date them, have emotional intimacy, etc.) "Hit it and quit it" 😂 so then, why is it so difficult the other way around? It sounds so bizarre to other people, the idea that you can be romantically attracted to someone, but not sexually. That you maybe want to hold hands and cuddle and go on cute dates with someone, but that's not a ticket to ride on (no pun intended) the Train to Bang Town. But maybe you can think of examples yourself. Maybe you had a *very* close friend, whom you spent all of your time with, whom you shared all of your secrets with, who was the first person you thought of when anything important happened to you, but NO HOMO I'M NOT GAY LIKE THAT we're just close friends. Maybe you have crushes on men and women but you only want to sleep with women. All normal! TWO SEPARATE THINGS! They can be aligned but still two separate things.

I first identified as asexual. Nope, I'm just not into anyone in that way. Even celebrity crushes, I wanted to do things like walk through parks, hang out and eat ice cream, read them poems (emo kids unite?), a number things, but none of them sexual in nature. Later on, I would date boys, but either dump them or be dumped pretty early on ("prudes" unite). Something was "off," different. I felt different. Different from what I saw in TV and movies, heard in music, in conversations of other people my age. Still, I vividly remember the day I realized what people ACTUALLY mean when they say someone is "hot." (I was too old and too naive to not know, but my brain just didn't think that way.) Not just aesthetically pleasing. The older I got, the more I felt like an alien. Probably sounded like one. "Ah, yes, his face is indeed aesthetically pleasing." ... "Take me to your leader!"

You could call me a "late bloomer," but it's not even just that. Late introspector? Late learner? Yes, I eventually did go "farther" with partners, and have lovely relationships with people who are patient and put up with me. But I still wouldn't call myself "bloomed." I'm still different from most other people. And I'm proud to not be labeling myself with things that don't reflect me.

Going back to my own development. So, I settled on "ace" and anonymously joined forums and such. It felt right... but only for a time. Eventually I felt a little different from that too. I talked with people who were aromantic, and people who were sex-repulsed. Wait a minute, is that me too? No, I dont quite feel that way. Well, what the f-

Flash forward, I finally settled on "demisexual." Okay, I'm kinda asexual, but also kinda in my sexy feelings for someone after bonding and feeling emotionally safe with them. I want to be more than friends. Maybe try out some other things, but only with you. Today I feel like demisexual is the best fit. Maybe "gray" too but I think emotional closeness is the key for me.

But wait, do I like girls too? Or do I even care what sex or gender they are? Yes, I've had intense crushes on many girls. If you want to stick with socialized norms, I liked feminine girls, and masculine girls. Eventually I liked one woman, who later identified as a man, after having his own journey through gender and sexuality (which I think is especially hard in bible-belt Jacksonville). I still thought he was cute and smart and funny.

No, I don't really care about sex or gender - I just care that you like dogs and 90s music and video games like me. Neat!

I dont really know how to end this. I'll just say, I do consider myself a member of the LGBTQIA community, in which my B stands for bisexual (but actually panromantic) and my A stands for asexual (but actually the asexuality spectrum). I'm overjoyed to see more openness and acceptance in my lifetime, and I hope that continues for kids growing up now, who may be "confused" or "indecisive" - and maybe they will not have to wait until after college to figure it out. Nuance is important in something this complex and... well, nuanced.

Thank you to anyone who read this until the bitter end!

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musicmushi · 5 years

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Vent incoming feel free to read if you want but pass by it if you dont thats cool too

This is to feel like free-writing I suppose. I have been going through a lot in my head and it feels good sometimes to just get my fingers flowing and to type stuff out. I have been having mental breakdowns off and on for at least a week but most likely more. I have fought the urge to cut myself, resisted the temptation to get rid of some certain people.

I know that the mindset I have is unhealthy but that doesn't stop me from having it. Actually, I think to try to repress it just makes the mindset worse. I’m trying my best to not ignore myself but that sort of leaves the question “who am I?” or maybe “What?”. I feel like I’m supposed to just know what I’m all about just by trying things and doing what my gut feels is right. Seems simple, right? Just focus on what feels right for you and whatever that is speaks to who you are.

Well, the short of it is it's not. Plain and simple trying to decipher your persona so to speak from just what feels right and good is a perfect slope into confusion territory because humans, by default, are multifaceted beings with complex thoughts and contradictory interests. No one fits into one singular pretty little mold. There’s gonna be cracks and holes and dents that warp the overall product making each person imperfect and out of the ordinary. The ‘molds’ are stereotypes and stereotypes by and large are not true for everyone everywhere! There’s just way too many humans to make that a possibility. I have been trying to fit into mold, after mold, after mold my entire life and I can’t fit in anywhere. As ridiculous as this may sound to those who ‘get it’ it frustrates me that I have failed at being a perfect little human even though I know very well that perfection does not exist. The idea of perfection itself is flawed and thus becomes paradoxical.

Sometimes I wish I could reboot myself into something that's more cohesive and understandable because the need to explain myself time after time after time again gets annoying and tiresome yet there it is. I feel as though I need to explain myself in such detail that my ideas and motives should not be questioned. I need to have an irrefutable reason for anything and everything I do; “it makes me happy” never cut it and it never will even when I’m with the company where that answer would suffice. Nothing can just “make me happy” I’m left trying to explain WHY it makes me happy because I want people to understand that though I can be theatrical in my emotions and reactions; I am not a joke to be told and passed around amongst friends. I think about what I do and why I do it so often that it has given me premature stress among other things.

I know what some may think at that. And yes, being stuck trying to explain why I enjoy things and what happiness even is, leaves me depressed as fuck. I’ve seen that video! Everyone has seen that video by Scotch and yeah I related to it and all the amazing points he made. But I can’t just stop giving a fuck because I can’t think of an irrefutable reason to do so. Everything needs a reason. Because once I do something that lacks reason I’m being dubbed ‘silly’ or ‘ridiculous’ ‘a crazed fangirl’ ‘obsessed’…I’m made into a joke. People think that I’m just someone not to be taken seriously and that makes me mad but I can't blame anyone but myself because I have a natural tendency to act silly and be funny and there’s nothing wrong with that but when there’s a time to be serious suddenly people are caught off guard when I step up and be serious.

It’s almost as ridiculous as the people being blown away at the singing talent of Susan Boyle because she didn’t look like a diva or whatever. You can’t look at someone’s physical attributes and mannerisms and suddenly know what they have hiding under the hood. I act obsessed with the person that I love because I’m excited to be with them, I have never once taken that relationship for granted and I think about our future together because the happiness that comes with being tied together cosmically with this person is nice to think about. My feelings for them is not a joke or a phase or a simple crush…I’m not some crazed obsessed yandere waiting with a knife under my arm behind the door. Call me whatever you want but don’t you dare even try to write this off as anything less than real and serious.

I plan for my future because I want to make sure I have back up plans for my back up plans. Lord knows I have had enough go wrong in my life in so many ways that I think its completely reasonable to be cautious and plan around dangers. I’m not being dramatically paranoid. I make jokes a lot of the time and I love to laugh. But I, myself, am not a joke.

I’m aggressive yet non-confrontational, stubborn but I can go with the flow, emotionally unstable but when the time is right I’m sensible and have the right advice to give, I have inherited my mother's saint-like patience with others but I myself get antsy and jumpy very easily. I have every reason to hate the world and to give up on love but the very idea of doing so makes me feel brokenhearted and weep.

I have to keep caring and I have to keep believing in love because without love the world becomes even more unforgiving and a life without that hope isn't worth living. If I lose the passion and investment in these ideas that I have then I lose my irrefutable reason to live. My belief in love gives me a rock solid reason to not kill myself and that is not to be joked about or tossed in the trash. Love is not trash. If I stop giving a fuck, I’m afraid that will result in something truly drastic. If that’s deserving of not being taken seriously then I have already lined myself up for the Fool’s Pillory. If that truly is the case then so be it. But one cannot fault me for wanting to be taken seriously as a thinking adult.

I am in the process of accepting myself as trans and the process is making me impatient as I feel no one is taking that seriously. I either get suspicious looks from friends and colleagues thinking that I’m throwing my identity away for the sake of another or I get a barrage of pastel attitudes and flower crown treatment which feels very condescending and hand-holding which in turn pisses me off. I get people telling me that “if you wanna be a man you don't wear makeup” or “I’m not going to help you look more masculine because you’re only doing this for that girl you never shut up about” Everywhere I turn there’s a road bump or wall blocking my path and its making me hate myself and the world for making this process so god damned confusing. Here I am approaching 25 with years of stacked up gender issues and now that I’m trying to deal with them head on I got people trying to white knight me and tell me how I should present myself so that I can be a proper trans. Like there’s some sorta gender identity manual out there and I’m just…doing it wrong and I need some well-meaning person to come up and hold my hand and guide me to the other side like I’m not cognizant enough to figure it out for myself. I’m not a pathetic ridiculous laugh worthy little retarded delicate daisy.

I have years of abuse and reality slapping me in the face harder than anyone else in my personal circle and yet these personal friends of mine that I have grown with are the worst in roadblocking me like not even my dearest friends can take me seriously because when I do act serious about it they get thrown off their groove and they don’t know how to talk to me about it so they don't. I got one friend that knew I had fallen in love with my special someone and not two minutes later joked that he had a chance to sweep her off her feet. No one takes me seriously no matter what I’ve been trying and that seriously pisses me off.

I’m pissed, confused, stressed, fighting the urge to cut myself, and it seems that I’m the only one sometimes that knows I’m not joking when I say these things. I think through my actions and I do my research. Everything I do has a reason. But no one wants to believe that because I’m supposed to be the pitiable stupid one that’s mocked and laughed at and just lies in waiting for my mythical white knight to come in, sword swaying, and whisk me away so that I can live happily ever after or whatever. When I need help; I ask. Plain and simple if I think I can’t handle something I reach out. I’ll fully admit I’m bad at it but I’m not so bad as to miss the opportunity entirely like I’m slow. I’m not slow and I’m not worth your pity…If you pity me then you can escort yourself out before your shining armor blinds others to the reality of autonomy. You know who you are.

#trans issues #vent post #its long #started as a free flowing writing #then it just turned into an open letter of sorts #frustrations be a pain #herp derp dont mind me #I'm just...mad #like I feel better after putting it into words but #these issues are real #I'm not joking or kidding or being overblown #I am not a joke #just because I can tell them doesn't make them my identity

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pinkipie100 · 6 years

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Hi there. I read your analysis about The Voltron Show and I really liked it! At one point in that analysis, you mentioned that you feel the Voltron fandom is too quick to feel offended over how Hunk is portrayed in the show. Do you think it's possible that you could elaborate on that, if you wanted? And do you feel that this "overly-sensitive attitude" within the fandom extends to Lance's portrayal in the show as well?

Me? 27000 years late to an ask? HA HA HA!

…Always. Sorry, @thenorthernphoenix, I’ve been absent for quite a while, and I totally forgot my askbox was a thing.

Anyway, a thousand times thank you for reading my meta! To answer your question, and I may receive a lot of heat for this, but I think the Voltron crew have handled Hunk’s portrayal well, actually, and I’ll explain why. Hopefully concisely. Definitely not concisely.

First of all, Hunk is fat. Can we just… admit that? He’s fat. THAT IS OKAY. THAT IS SO OKAY. In fact, I think it’s important for boys who are also overweight to see. They need to know that they can still be the hero, despite their size. I know that a lot of the body positivity schtick has to do with encouraging women to feel comfortable with their bodies regardless of weight, but it’s really important for men, as well! Men probably have a tough time dealing with their body image because they’re expected not to care, but they’re also expected to simultaneously having ridiculously hypermasculine, ripped bodies, or they’re not really ‘a man,’ you know? But if people see Hunk and realize that this guy, yes, is overweight, but still kicks ass and is even the strongest paladin [stronger than Shiro!], that’ll give them just the encouragement they need. [Plus, Hunk is really f*ckin’ hot.]

Second of all, HUNK LIKES FOOD A F*CKING LOT. CAN WE ALSO ACKNOWLEDGE THIS?!?!?! Okay, I apologize, I’m getting heated… I just notice that people get extremely angry when Hunk is shown going crazy over food. I just… Of course he will act that way around food, he’s a foodie! Is it funny? Yeah. Does that mean we’re supposed to respect him any less? Of course not! Look, I’m not overweight, but I’m still a foodie! I, in fact, may or may not love food a bit too much in the most weird of ways! [-Food fetish much, Pinki? -Shut the fuh!] I honestly find it laughably relatable when Hunk drools at the sight of a delicious-looking hors d’oeurvre, or climbs over the invisible maze’s walls to get to a fine alien pastry! Like, f*cking me too, Hunk! I don’t know, maybe I’m being insensitive and stupid, but I don’t view Hunk as any less of a character because he’s very food-crazy. Last time I checked, though, no one was up in arms about Po using food to motivate him to become the Dragon Warrior.

I get it, this is just my own opinion. I like to believe that I’m being sensible, though. I’ll admit that, yes, the food jokes get a little old sometimes, but hey, they are still tasteful [dammit… I… I swear I didn’t mean to pun there]. Hunk is always depicted as a master of his craft, educated in the ways of the kitchen. He doesn’t just make junk food, either, he can cook meats; pastas; god forbid, vegetables! Take a look at any other kid’s show, and tell me if you find a fat character who is treated respectfully by their friends like Hunk, is as intelligent as Hunk, and is as three-dimensional as Hunk. Seriously, lemme know, I think I’d give the show a try, if that’s the case.

*whispers* Am I getting long-winded yet…

Okay, now for the second part of your question, I could go on for days about how the fandom basically becomes a volatile gershderned cult when it comes to Lance. The fandom is sensitive about Hunk’s portrayal, no doubt, no doubt- but when it comes to Lance, oh ho, they take it to an entirely new level!

Violent discourse has broken out surrounding Lance’s race, sexuality, mental state, personality, and hell, even his g*ddamn last name! I’m not at all ashamed to say, all of it has been bullsh*t. The f*ckers Lance stans of this fandom will only accept Lance one way, and that seems to be as a 100000% Cuban, 0.00000% American, Not Straight™, mentally unstable, delicately insecure flower that a) must be protected at all costs and b) crying 24/7 unless Keith is there to comfort him. Any time the show contradicts this, it’s the executive producers’ heads.

Voltron Fandom, come close… gather round the fire… I’m about to clear a few things up for you:

One, Lance is a Lady’s Man. YEAH, I SAID IT, AND I WOULD 100% SWOON IF HE USED A PICKUP LINE ON ME, SO FIGHT ME! Heh, but seriously, he likes women. And, you know what? Women like him! Almost every time he flirts with a woman, she shows interest back! …save Allura, but I think we can tell from Lance’s vlog that it’s because he genuinely likes her and doesn’t really know how else to approach her. Does that mean he’s straight? Uh oh… Uh oh… UH OH! IT MIGHT! Well, it might not. He could still be bisexual with a preference for women, which I honestly buy a lot more than him being flamboyantly attracted to both sexes. We can’t assume nothin’ until it’s outright stated, but until then, the fandom needs to be aware that Lance’s actual sexuality is pretty much up in the air.

B, Lance is Cuban. I love this about him, but when people start to throw sh*t when people headcanon him as mixed or possibly born in America or having a Western last name, it kind of ticks me off. Like, what’s wrong with being a little bit white? Does that diminish the value he may have of his Cuban roots? I’m mostly white, but does that make me not give a sh*t about my Chamorro heritage? Of course not! My mom has a Western maiden name, but that doesn’t mean she’s not Chamorro, too! If Lance had a Cuban last name, that’s so great! If he has a Western name, it’s not ‘giving in to the White Man.’ It’s probably just the result of some intermixing with Western people somewhere along his family line, and it could have been generations ago, anyway. About him being Cuban-American… Look, I think Americans can be pretty sh*tty and our country is f*cked up, but I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. So there’s absolutely nothing wrong with Lance being American-born and proud to be it.

III, stop. Making. Lance. Helpless. Nnkey? I like Langst. I do. But please, administer it in moderation! Write/draw it sensibly! I’m incredibly tired of seeing Lance portrayed by fans as some unstable, immature, dependent crybaby who is unable to control his emotions or stand without the constant support of a Love Interest™ [it’s usually Keith, and as a stalwart Laith shipper, I am sick of this]. I think that, even beginning from the S1-S2 hiatus, the fandom read a bit too deeply into Lance’s impending insecurity arc, and we all got so hyped up to see it, we were disappointed when it wasn’t immediately addressed. I’ve probably said it a thousand times, but once more, with feeling: Lance’s arc will be slow-burn. We’ll get snippets of his insecurities here and there, just breadcrumbs that will lead up to the climax of his arc, and it’ll be awesome. But, the fandom needs to have patience until then. I hold faith upon faith in the creators, especially Joaquim dos Santos [Mr. Lance-Is-My-Favorite-Paladin himself], to deliver a delicately laid story unfolding around Lance that we will all love once complete, and wonder why we were ever upset.

In conclusion, I very much agree that the fandom is WAY too overly sensitive about how Lance is portrayed in-canon, and it’s actually warping their perceptions of reality. They think that they’re the only ones who know what Lance is really like, and that the writers of the actual g*ddamn show are ‘doing it wrong.’ In the show, Lance is friendly, dorky, funny, cocky, emotionally mature, perceptive, and realistic. Fanon Lance is emotionally unstable, dependent, unconfident, incapable, tortured, bullied, and underrated by his teammates. This is not to say that Canon Lance isn’t insecure and somewhat misunderstood by his friends, but he is mature in managing those insecurities and confiding in others [e. g. seeking solace with Keith, believing in Allura]. I just think Lance is a LOT tougher than his stans give him credit for, and I really love that about his arc; he won’t have to be that tough forever, and when he finally lets his barriers down, it is gonna be. Just what the doctor ordered.

ANYWHALE! I apologize for writing basically another meta in response to your ask, especially considering you sat through my whole ‘Voltron Show’ meta! I am so glad you asked, though. I know my wording here is very strong, but I think it’s better for me to be analytically bold than to be apologetically opinionated.

Seriously, thanks again for reading the meta and facilitating discussion about it; you’re an absolute dream! Sorry for being late to answer, and enjoy the rest of your ventures through fandom and meta thereupon!

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slut-for-fandoms · 7 years

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Little witch (Part 6)

Pairings: Peter x reader

Word count: 2 348

Summary: The reader is raised by Hydra but manages to escape after they kill her parents. She is emotionally unstable and can’t control her powers. The Avengers rescue her and give her everything she missed form life and wanted to feel. But would her new found love be enough to extinguish her desire for revenge? What would be the side she would choose to rely on? Will she be ready to face the real her?

A/N: I am so happy i finally found time to write this. I finished school and I have some days until i start work. I hope i will manage to finish this story and write all the request i have in my box. Please, let me know what you think, it’s really important to me given the fact English isn’t my first language ♥ Enjoy and sorry if there are mistakes (i wrote it really late last night)

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4 // Part 5

“We were facing each other and I saw the fear in his eyes but he had to play a macho so he said ’Stay there and I won’t hurt you’. His body was shaking and the man was wearing only his pink boxers. Such a pathetic picture. I sent a bullet towards the vase behind him and he peed in his pants”, Tony finished one of the many stories he liked to tell on his parties. Everyone laughed although they had heard it before. But when a billionaire is telling a joke you have to laugh if you want to be invited on the next party, especially if all the Avengers are there.

Next to Mr. Stark was Sam Wilson, known as The Falcon who was telling different stories too trying to look stronger and cooler than Stark. The both of them were basically competing but their audience didn’t mind at all.

In the other corner Bruce, Thor and Steve could be seen. They were surrounded by people too but not so many. Thor was kind of drunk and he was throwing his hammer in the air showing off that he was the only one able to move it. Steve was laughing and drinking although the alcohol could not affect him. As for Bruce, he was moving from group to group trying to find his place. There were times when he wasn’t in the mood for parties and alcohol and sometimes stripers as drunken Stark used to call sometimes. This night was the same and the doctor soon went to his room where he would be able to relax.

Natasha, Wanda and (Y/N) were on the dance floor moving their bodies in unison as the rhythm. Nat was holding her probably fourth glass of whiskey. Clint, Vision, Peter and Scott Lang were sitting at the bar talking and sometimes throwing glances at the people dancing. The music was loud so the avengers had to shout a little in order to be heard properly but most of the time they had to repeat what they had said. Everyone was enjoying themselves except Peter. He wasn’t allowed to drink so he was just sitting there searching for a particular girl. He had found her minutes ago but didn’t want her to see him starring but he couldn’t help it. He’d been looking at her movements as a hawk. He didn’t miss to spot how at the beginning she was dancing like a tree but soon the nervousness left her and she was moving without caring. Peter smiled as he saw the girl experiencing something an ordinary teenager was used to every weekend.

(Y/N) did her best to try to enjoy that night. She was talking with everybody, drunk a little from Nat’s glass, even danced but deep inside she knew that all of this wasn’t her. She wasn’t raised that way. No music, no fun, no dance. Only fights, fights, and fights. The alcohol she swallowed helped her to loosen up and let the beat take control of her body. She was moving as the good songs kept playing but she knew she was doing it in order to have fun which wasn’t happening if we have to be honest. The girl made an excuse to her partners in the dance floor and walked through the dancing and sweaty people who were drunk as hell. Some of them were rubbing each other bodies, others were ready to swallow each other given the fact how they were kissing, and others were already heading toward the bathrooms. (Y/N) was surprised how many people had attended the party. She thought that it would be just her and the new friends she made a couple weeks ago but no. Stark had decided to throw a huge party and the girl was sure he didn’t know at least 10% of his guests. When (Y/N) got out of the loud room and entered the quiet balcony the fresh spring air hit her are skin. The wind sent shivers down her spine, her body tensing at the coldness she felt due to being sweaty. The girl bypassed the swimming pool and went near the glass parapet. The building was indeed high, the whole city could be seen from there. She inhaled deeply letting the cold air freshen her body from inside. (Y/N) was enjoying the view while listening to the music which outside was actually pleasant. But little she knew that her actions of leaving the party were spotted from a certain boy that hadn’t let his eyes fall from her.

When Peter saw (Y/N) leaving, he stood up following her outside away from the loud party. The making a path through the crowd slowed him down but once he was on the balcony, he saw the girl he liked alone looking at lightened city below them. He slowly approached her thinking of an interesting opening gambit. But with each step he took his mind refused to work and nervous filled his body again. He cursed himself that he let this happen every time she was near him. Taking a deep breath the boy stood next to her and tried to spoke but was late.

“Why are you here, Peter?”, the girl asked looking at him. At first the boy thought the girl asked that so he would understand he wasn’t welcomed but as he saw her soft (y/e/c) he calmed down. She was just being curious.

“I saw you leaving.”, he answered without thinking. His tongue was moving without his brain working properly.

“And you came because…?”, her eyes weren’t leaving his which caused the boy to fall under their spell. The distance between their faces was slowly reducing.

“Because I wanted to see if you are okay.”, the girl smiled and turned her head towards the beautiful city. This activity broke the ‘spell’ Peter had fallen into but he continued to stare at her, “You are feeling as though you are not fitting in this atmosphere, right?”

“How do you know?”

“I am feeling the same way at school parties. They are not the way I’d like to spent my free time and have fun.”, at that time the boy was looking the city, while (Y/N) was observing his face.

“And what is the way you like to have fun?”

“Well, I like to…”, he suddenly stopped and looked at the girl. A smirk craved on his face which made the girl confused.

“What?”,

“I can show you.”

“Show me what?”

“How I like to spent Saturday night and have fun my way. Are you in?”, the smirk on Peter’s face was now bigger as he hoped the girl would accept his offer. Suddenly a bright smile appeared on her face.

“I would love to, Peter Parker.”

“Then, shall we?”, as a gentleman he offered his hand and girl took it happily. They both exited the tower without being spotted by anyone.

“So where are we going?”, (Y/N) dared to ask after 10 minutes of walking in silence.

“Shouldn’t it be a surprise?”, the boy looked at her with a mischievous smile on his face.

“It is supposed to be but I am not into surprised at all.”

“Well, tonight you’ll be.”

“Idiot.”

“I’d gladly be a idiot If I am the reason you smile.”, and it was true. (Y/N) hadn’t stopped smiling since they left the tower. This statement made her blush which surprised Peter. His smile became bigger as he saw the soft side of the girl which she was usually hiding behind the mask of a dangerous serial killer, “Come on, we are almost there.”, Peter grabbed (Y/N)’s hand and they both rushed towards a small café on the other side of the street. It’s name was shinning in dark blue which made the café easy to be seen. When they entered inside the girl was amazed by the atmosphere and way it was decorated. Simple and cozy vintage design invited the new guests inside. There was a girl listening to music behind the bar and two girls chatting at one of the corners. (Y/N) thought they would sit somewhere so she started looking for a cozy and lonely place.

“Oh, I wasn’t thinking of staying here but if you want- ”

“Oh, no, no. You are the one leading the parade. You promised me fun so I hope you would give me one.”, the girl joked and he boy calmed down, “I don’t want to ruin anything but isn’t it late for coffee?”

“Yes, it is.”

“Then why are we here?”

“Because only in this café you can find the best and most delicious muffins. Believe me, you have never eaten such mouth-melting dessert.”, the boy gave a simple answer and turned around to make an order. A minute later, the boy and the girl were outside the café roaming through the streets of New Your city and eating.

“Oh my gosh, Peter! These are just magnificent. I’ve never tasted anything like that.”

“I told you so.”, the girl was about to take another bite from the muffin when Peter pushed her hand up so her nose would be in covered in chocolate.

“How dare you Parker?!”, the girl gave him a dead glare, “You will pay for this.”

“I can’t take you seriously with so much chocolate on your face. You look sweat rather than scary.”, the boy couldn’t stop laughing and the girl used this opportunity to push her half muffin in Peter’s face.

“That’s part of the revenge you will get.”

“Oh, you are gonna regret this Ms. (Y/L/N)!”, and with that (Y/N) began running while Peter was chasing her. There was a park near them and the girl entered it. Although she was on high heels which weren’t that high, the girl was still faster than the boy. But let’s face it, he was doing it on purpose.

“I can’t do it anymore.”, Peter announced and sat on a bench, “You are fast and I don’t want to sweat in this amazing suit. I prefer to look hot than to revenge you for some chocolate.”, the girl was suspicious at first but when he didn’t stand up from the bench, she sat next to him.

“Then I’m sorry to say that you don’t look that hot as you think.”

“I remember you telling something else when we were in your room hour ago.”, he looked at her.

“Well, my eyesight isn’t good sometimes.”

“Mhm, whatever you say…”, his tone was challenging.

“Are you calling me a liar, Mr. Parker?”, now they were inches away from each other, still looking at each other eyes, while their bodies desired for something else.

“I ain’t calling you a truther.”

That was it. They both were on the edge of doing what they wanted to do since weeks. They stood there looking at each other in silence. The tension was felt in the air but it wasn’t a sexual tension how Nat would say. No, it was a tension between two young teenagers that had slowly fallen in love. They wanted to connect, to feel what the other felt, to see the nightmares the other had, to explore their souls. But sadly they both were scared. (Y/N) had never had such feeling burning inside her. We all know her story to know that love was something she never felt except in her early years. The Avengers gave her the love of a family but the love she felt now was never a shade in the painting of her life. It was new, it was great and yet it was scary.

Peter was a shy nerdy boy and a sarcastic superhero. When he was with the witch he somehow managed to merge his both sides in one. The confident side in him was ready to do the next step but the mask was gone, he was Peter Parker, the nerd school boy who had problems with talking to girls.

The lovebirds were standing dare not daring to move. They didn’t want to ruin this moment thinking it was the chance they got but they both were scared to take it.

“There is something in you Peter. Something that makes me wanna kiss you and punch you in the face at the same time.”

“You know how to ruin the romantic moment.”, they both laughed getting out of the unison.

“But that’s true. There are moments when you are a pain in the ass.”, their eyes were sparkling with true happiness, “But what scares me is that I want you to be my pain in the ass.”, the boy froze for a moment at those words. He looked at her still shocked. Peter didn’t say a thing which caused the girl to look at her fingers which showed she was nervous.

“I- I shouldn’t have-”, but she wasn’t given the chance to finish her sentence. Peter had cupped her face in his hands, his lips connecting with hers in a slow and soft kiss. (Y/N) was surprised both from the sudden action and the sensation in her guts. She instantly closed her eyes letting her soul to see what no eyes could behold. It wasn’t just flesh touching, it was souls meeting and connecting. She got the feeling of being high in the sky, flying freely and carelessly. She felt the love in so many different ways that there are no words able to describe it.

“That was-”

“Chocolatey.” , the girl finished Peter’s sentence which caused both of them to laugh.

That night they stayed there on the bench in the empty park, enjoying each other company, laughing at their jokes, telling different stories from the past and made plans for the future. That night they felt real, they felt alive and breathing. That night love made its magic – it connected two souls that had been searching each other for years, it gave them true happiness, an unforgettable love. That night love gave them a surreal picture of life which blurred their sights and weakened them for what was about to happen.

Part 7

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jennycalendar · 6 years

Text

imperfections (46/?)

read it on ao3!

i have had a bit of a mess of a last two days but at least i polished up a chapter!! that’s good

Giles knocked on the door, then waited. Faith didn’t answer, which was unusual. Generally, if she wanted to be left alone, she was rather vocal about it. “May I come in?” he called.

Five seconds passed. Then he heard Faith say, “Sure,” in a shaking voice.

Well, then. Giles warily opened the door, and was extremely surprised to see Faith sitting on her bed, hugging a pillow. Tears streaked her cheeks, but she seemed quite unaware of them. “Faith,” he said softly.

Faith looked up at him. She didn’t make any attempt to wipe her eyes or look composed, just said, “Can you sit with me?”

Feeling very much out of his element, Giles obliged. “I’m sorry if we’re ruining Christmas,” he joked nervously.

Faith shook her head, chin resting on the slightly damp pillow. “It’s not that,” she said. “It’s just that—the other stuff that’s been going down, with Mrs. Post and the band candy and, and that Pete kid—I could help with that stuff, at least a little. But I can’t with this, ‘cause I wasn’t here for it, and I don’t like that Jen helps me but I can’t help her.”

Giles took another look at Faith, startled. His first impression of her had been a reckless, impulsive Slayer who cared about little else but the thrill of the fight. He was beginning to realize just how wrong that impression had been. “I,” he exhaled, “know how you feel.” Off Faith’s doubtful look, he said quietly, “I don’t know if Jenny told you exactly what happened last summer.”

“She said she got tortured by Angelus and you had to watch,” said Faith, eyes locked on the opposite wall.

Giles followed her gaze to the dark velvet dress hanging on Faith’s mirror. He chose his words carefully. “You’ll recall that the Council doesn’t take kindly to—ah—personal relationships,” he said finally.

“Yeah, I kinda figured something weird happened between them and you,” said Faith, frowning a little. “You don’t talk about them the same way my last Watcher did.”

“Yes. Um.” It felt a bit terrifying, being open and honest with—anyone, really, particularly anyone who wasn’t Jenny. “I-I was told,” Giles said, “by the Council, that my close connection with Jenny was putting her life at risk. And I loved her, so I left her, not a week after Angelus had tortured her and left her needing me more than ever.”

Faith let out a low whistle. “Wow,” she said, sounding genuinely impressed. “You really fucked up, huh?”

Giles exhaled, almost a laugh. “To put it mildly.”

“But you came back,” said Faith, and he felt her shoulder rest awkwardly against his. “Right? You didn’t just leave her in the lurch forever.”

“Faith, I missed an entire summer,” said Giles distantly, remembering the terrible, lonely feeling of waking up in a motel room with Jenny and the children miles away. “A summer that, by all rights, I should have been there to help her through. Seeing Jenny like this—seeing her so undone by Angelus’s return—it terrifies me, because I fear that she might have healed a bit more easily if I had been truly there for her. I’d happily kill Angel if it meant it would undo what my absence did to her.”

Faith was silent for a very long time. Then, without a word, she reached out, placing a hand quietly on Giles’s shoulder.

“You’re kinder than I would be,” said Giles, smiling bitterly at his lap.

“You’re here,” said Faith. “Now. You fucked up a whole bunch, leaving her when she needed you, but that doesn’t mean she needs you any less right now.”

Giles looked up and over at Faith, touched. “The same applies for you, you know,” he said. “She loves you very much, and I am beginning to very much understand why.”

Faith gave him a crooked smile. “Hey, right back atcha, Watcher-man,” she said, and punched his shoulder a bit too hard. Giles winced, but didn’t stop smiling.

Jenny was lying in bed when she felt the mattress shift, and then felt Rupert drape an arm across her stomach, fingers tracing her hip. She smiled, mouth trembling, and turned into his arms, letting out a shaky breath. “I’m really fucked up right now,” she said. “Like, I don’t—I can’t—if you guys are doing research, I don’t think I can be a part of it for a little while.”

“No, I know,” said Rupert gently. “And we will be doing research eventually, but you are my top priority. Whatever you need from me, Jenny, I’m here for you.”

“I think I just—need you—to hold me,” said Jenny, slow and halting. “I keep on, I keep on thinking about his hands on my neck, and—” She sniffled, trying to smile. “Nothing feels safe anymore,” she said. “Nothing. He looked at me like Angel and he grabbed me and threw me up against that wall and Rupert, I thought I was going to die—”

That same cold fury flashed momentarily in Rupert’s eyes, but then he kissed her forehead, pulling her very close to rest her cheek against his. “We can just stay here,” he murmured. “You and me, all the kids bunking in the living room, and to hell with the rest of the world, how’s that?”

Jenny hid her face in the crook of his neck. He smelled like home. “I love you so much,” she whispered. “Thank you for being here. And not going into one of your stupid terrible guilt spirals, because seriously, those suck for me.”

She felt Rupert’s quiet laugh. “Anything that helps you in this moment, I’ll do,” he murmured. “Though believe you me, I have every intention of spiraling as soon as you’re feeling at least a bit better.”

Jenny did feel better. She felt safe. And she really, really wanted to stay in Rupert’s arms for the next two days at minimum, but if Angel was unstable enough to attack her, he could end up seriously hurting someone else. After allowing herself a good few minutes of blissful stillness, she raised her head, nose brushing against Rupert’s, and said reluctantly, “We should get back to research.”

“Are you sure?” Rupert’s fingertip traced her cheek.

“I want to make sure that this thing messing with Angel doesn’t mess with us,” Jenny reminded him. “Time is, as always, of the essence.”

Rupert considered this. Then he said, “This summer, we’re going to go somewhere with sand and beaches, and you’re going to get the long-deserved vacation that an ordeal like this merits.”

“God, you really do love me if you’re willing to brave beach time,” Jenny teased, and Rupert’s grin in return made her feel all kinds of cozy and warm. “Okay.” She kissed him, a kiss that was meant to be short but slipped into a much longer, softer one than she’d intended. “Okay,” she whispered against his mouth, and kissed him again.

“Mm—Jenny, the, the research,” Rupert mumbled without much conviction, rolling onto his back and pulling Jenny on top of him.

“You’re such an enabler,” Jenny giggled, kissing his neck.

A loud hammering on the door broke them apart. “Faith!” came Willow’s reproving voice.

“HEY, JEN, ARE WE EVER GONNA ACTUALLY DO SOME RESEARCH?” Faith shouted.

Jenny groaned, trying not to laugh, and pulled herself reluctantly off of Rupert, who looked extremely annoyed at the interruption. Crossing the room to open the door, she realized belatedly that she was thoroughly rumpled, and winced, attempting to smooth down her hair.

“Classy,” said Xander. Willow whacked his shoulder.

“Rupert and I were just about to come out,” said Jenny, trying not to look too much like she’d been seriously considering having sex instead of researching. “We want to get a jump on the research too—”

“Uh, actually, we wanted to take this one by ourselves,” said Faith hesitantly.

“You guys have been through a lot this last year,” Willow added, “and all of it to keep us kids safe.”

“And you put in a whole bunch of hours of research to make sure we didn’t have to,” Xander finished. “We’re gonna call in Buffy, but—we wanted to give you guys a night off.”

“You know,” said Faith tentatively. “Like a Christmas present.”

Maybe it was just that Jenny was feeling pretty emotionally fragile after that whole almost-dying thing, but she felt very close to tears. “Oh,” she said. “Oh, that’s—god, that’s really sweet. Rupert, did you hear what they said?”

“I made some of it out, yes,” said Rupert, who looked similarly affected. “Children, you—you really don’t have to—”

“That’s what makes it a present!” Willow beamed. “Seriously, you two, you deserve to, uh—”

“Finish up what you were doing in there,” Faith said helpfully. Willow whacked her shoulder.

Jenny bit her lip, smiling, and looked up at Rupert. “What do you think?”

“I, um, think my Christmas presents to all of you won’t match up in the slightest to what you’re giving me,” said Rupert to the kids, tucking an arm around Jenny’s waist. His eyes were a bit misty. “Thank you,” he said. “We greatly appreciate it.”

Buffy was expecting to see Giles and Ms. Calendar in the library, and was therefore extremely surprised when she looked around and saw everyone but them. Willow, Xander, Faith, Oz, even Cordelia were all busily flipping through a thousand and one musty books (and, in Willow’s case, surfing the web). “Where are Giles and Ms. Calendar?” she asked, half-afraid of the answer.

“Taking a break,” Willow answered lightly, grinning. “My idea. We thought we’d give them an early Christmas present.”

“Five bucks says they’re back to getting all snuggly, if you catch my drift,” said Faith, and accepted Xander’s high-five.

“Ugh,” said Buffy, but she felt warmed. She couldn’t think of anyone who deserved a night off more than Giles, and him spending it with Ms. Calendar was definitely of the good. “Hey, you guys mentioned—something about Angel—?”

There was an awkward silence. Faith and Willow exchanged a nervous look, Oz went very still (stiller than usual, at least), and Xander glared determinedly at the book he was reading. Only Cordelia blinked, frowned, and inquired, “They didn’t tell you? Angel went all psycho on Ms. Calendar ‘cause he thought she was some kind of demon. Ms. Calendar might have gotten killed if Giles hadn’t shown up in time.”

Buffy stared. “But he’s…good,” she said weakly.

Xander very visibly bit his lip, but didn’t say anything.

“Buffy, that doesn’t mean he’s not dangerous,” said Willow quietly. “We know he didn’t mean to hurt Ms. Calendar, but it was still really scary for her.”

Buffy swallowed, hard, then sniffled. “I really love him,” she said in a small voice. Faith’s face tightened at this. “And—and it sucks, because I—” She realized it, then, in that moment, looking around at all of her friends. As much opposition as they showed to the concept, she knew that if she went back to Angel, they’d eventually come around. And if he hurt them again, they’d still always forgive her. She couldn’t put them in danger like that. “Because I can’t be with him,” she finished, and for the first time, she completely meant it. “I won’t be with him again.”

Willow sniffled too, looking sympathetic and deeply sad. “I’m sorry,” she said.

“Yeah, me too,” said Faith. Her face had relaxed, and she looked…happy? But in a guilty way, Buffy thought.

“I’m not,” said Xander, then winced. “But…I am sorry you’re hurting, Buff. It was a tough thing for all of us to go through. I just…really, really hate the guy.”

Buffy managed a wet laugh. “I mean, you weren’t exactly subtle about it, Xander,” she teased lightly. “So what are we researching?”

#fic #the braveryverse #imperfections #i take my sats tomorrow ahhhhh #leave a review on this thing? make my day?

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snezoc · 7 years

Text

Meander

Oh absurdity of life, long have you remain hidden to me behind a veil, sneaking and snooping about, circling me with naught visible but the crest of your chasing fin.. Thou hath caught up to me. Update after update I have begun to write but soon the thoughts are abandoned and, along with them, the post itself. There is much to be covered but no centralized ideas, no focal points or specific heart-renders; rather, there are a slew of ideas pressing forward, lonely thoughts desperately needing acknowledgment and love. My emotional state; how is it? If I think about it, fair but relative. It is too easy to trespass the parameters in which we place our goals in. I am still rather volatile at times, unpredictable and unsure, lacking confidence in myself. I will realize this, brush it off with one hand telling my self next time will be different, and accordingly forget about the entire haughty affair. Good! You have identified your misgivings. Now what will you do? Will you identify and then no more? Or will you not assure that you do not repeat yourself? Doing solely the former is pointless, it's like knowing you have a flat tire but being too lazy to fix it. So. It is apparent that you can't to the latter without the former, and if you can only do the former you might as well just continue being unstable. Being self-aware is simply just not enough. Indeed, forcing up to the surface the reasons for the illness is not enough to cure it; why then, have I not done so? It is a difficult and puzzling process. In the heat of battle, emotions can fly off the handle like hot oil flies off a pan, and then, it seems no matter how hard you try those pathetic little vices emerge and squeeze the life out of those virtues you endeavor to instill in yourself after long introspection. Those vices - anger, anxiety, fear, dread, misery, selfishness - contemptible, frightening things. Why are they frightening? Consider the parasite. It has one purpose: to bore out a hole in its unsuspecting host and inhabit him, invoking feelings of insane discomfort and displeasure - and our poor host, oblivious to the source of his suffering - is none the wiser, he welters and writhes all about in vain attempts to dislodge the intruder... He is terrified because he is aware of the devilish pest and all of its treachery.. and his terror is mirrored ten-fold because, at least to his knowledge, nothing can be done. But lo, something can be done! Can not the man, rather than being held prisoner by his accursed beast, crying before it or otherwise hoping for things to get better soon, actively research ways to uproot the thing, or find out ways to deal with the immense pain? Similarly, those negative emotions you harbor, instead of letting them feed off you without fear of reprisal, can you not take better measures to ensure their subjection? When a bitter emotion creeps up on you, when you feel the cold running up your spine and entering your heart.. Stop. Really. Pretend like you can manipulate time on a whim, and freeze. Cease all emotion for for a brief moment only - harken back to those memories where serenity burrowed deep within - those moments where the vacuity of hate formed a void; and rushing to fill this void was a wholesome resplendence called serenity. The autumn sun and those fluttering flakes of white, the golden leaves and the cool air; the vast blue ocean and a horizon sponged with wonderful purple and orange; a dark room, a vanilla bean candle, and a thunderstorm; those divine memories of yours. Simple experiences of tranquility they may be, but there is a fundamental truth to them: that the most delightful scenery is a composition of harmonious elements; we love nature like this because we revel in natures balance, it's melodic brilliance. That is why it is important to bring at once those thoughts of nature into our mind when we begin to feel at odds with it. Nature is never angry, or jealous, or scornful or anxious of haughty: it is indifferent. Be indifferent. Be cognizant. Be nature. Now, we have only just begun to scratch the surface. My relationships are plagued with what I feel like is inauthenticity. Real emotion, conversation, interest, care, support, are rarely shown, and it seems as thought most of my ties to people are mainly for selfish reasons, leaving myself to wonder: what's really the point? These relationships are not helping me to grow, learn more about myself, learn more about the other person, learn to empathize and care for them. A profound, infuriatingly difficult question I have been wrestling with: is it my fault, or the other persons, or are we both guilty? Have I allowed my relationships to be built on a foundation of mutual trust and honesty, or are they built merely for passing the time or simply just getting by? This is a extremely important question that I must prod at frequently. Recently, I made a bold move: delete all of the social media connecting me to my friends. It's been about two days since I did that and so far I am enjoying it. I don't feel tied down to constantly check my phone to trivial conversations with people I don't really have a strong emotional connection with. These conversations made me feel not alone; but it was, and always is temporary.. I am still lonely inside, craving for something for meaningful and authentic. The time spent answering and constantly checking Snapchat is just a way to shallowly alleviate symptoms of loneliness. I reached my breaking point on Saturday when I hung out with Sam, Hayden, Juan, and Liam. I have been hanging with them since June doing the same thing: watching movies. The more I think about it, the more interesting this little group dynamic is. They're all funny guys. And that's great. They make me laugh hard with their dark, matter-of-fact manner of humor. But that's all there ever is. Any attempts at legitimate conversation are usually stymied by a joke or witty quip, and truthfully speaking, the maturity of most of the group members is low. Both Liam and Hayden are emotionally immature, which is understandable given their age, but it is very problematic at times. Hayden is very insecure and isn't comfortable really expressing himself, Liam is hot-headed and is infallible in his ability to derail conversation or get super defensive about anything. Sam I believe is mature, but due to Liam his abilities to express this are quickly nipped in the bud. There was actually one time where it was just me, Maiki, Hayden, and Sam, and we managed to have good serious discourse. I think Liam is the biggest problem. We are all bonded through movies, but this seems to be one of the very few of our common interests. We all know each other's relationships with one another is weak, and has so far only been sustained via memes and movies, knowing this, we are scared to venture further than this in general because it is what we are comfortable with. But this dissolves, or makes much it harder, to explore more about one another and forge more intimate bonds. That is why we must entertain new mediums of hanging out, we need to switch it up. We have started to do this somewhat, but I think we are all generally confused on what direction the group is headed. I want to give them all a second chance, but I also think it might be better if I leave them all. Surrounding myself with immature people will reflect poorly on me. I need to decide what friends are worth keeping and what ones aren't. That leads me to my next problem: Joy. What started as a meaningful, and overall sincere conversation surrounding movies, quickly devolved into something that meant much more little. We became friends... sort of. I have always been a little attracted to her, and when I really started talking to her me and Arlyn were waning (I will get to that in a moment though) and so I decided I would talk with her some more and find out more about her. But that hasn't really happened. I am interested in her in a purely sexual way, I think, for now, at least. Frequent back and forth snapchats talking about trivial things, making jokes about each other etc etc. jokes jokes jokes jokes. Fucking jokes. I'm tired of them. Authenticity is struggling for air. Too unsure to ask her to hangout because our relationship is so teetering, and because the Arlyn thing isn't really settled, we have been stuck in limbo with nothing really productive is being made possible by our friendship. I haven't really learned anything about he. Nor her me. It's just hurrdurr screenshots and a desire to have sex with each other it seems. To resolve this, I will have to make more of an effort to be more genuine in our conversations -- that means getting OFF Snapchat and asking for her number or something so we can begin to establish something more substantial. Right now I can't see the point of it, so that's why I had to delete Snapchat because I was sort of having an existential crisis. Now, Arlyn. She is amazing, really, she is beautiful and our conversations are authentic, I have learned a lot about her and she has learned a lot about me. She is just incredibly held back with her emotions, often doesn't take the initiative, and that sometimes makes me feel like she doesn't really take what we're trying to build seriously. She is hard to talk to sometimes, but easy at others, I would say she's not the one, but I haven't really gotten the chance to find out. We aren't able to see each other, and ultimately a myriad of factors prevent us from being together. It's come to my attention that these factors won't clear the way any time soon. I feel awkward talking to her in real life sometimes, we're both really nervous understandably. Bottom line is we would probably be good be each other but we won't find out anytime soon because of the situation with her parents. I actually compiled a very long list of thoughts regarding the situation and sent to it her. Me, being someone who thinks there is always a way around a perceived obstacle, proposed that I at least meet her parents so they attach a face to the idea of this monster that is interested in their daughter. We figured this could be arranged and she said it may be able to happen but then: nothing. Nothing ever happened. It was never discussed again, it both sort of drifted from our minds and boom - back to where we started - confused. Why is this? Partly my fault, I don't want to pester her and be too assertive about this, partly hers for not really taking initiative except when I instruct or bring up an important relationship matter. Again, I am left with two choices: cut her off, or try once again to push to meet her parents. I haven't texted her seriously in a long time, it has mostly been filler stuff lately, I.e "I still want to talk to you because we have talked for so long but talking about the actual matter is difficult so we'll just talk about nonsense and jump around the actual issue" kind of thing. Maiki: a good friend. He is authentic, will speak his mind, isn't scared about disagreeing or saying something controversial, will be honest with you etc. drawbacks: hostile at times, can be unaware of his many annoying tendencies, is difficult for him to be truly authentic at times, tries too hard to be edgey, has many bad habits (watches child porn), very greedy at times, can be redundant and can be hard to express myself clearly to him as English is his second language. But I can be truly comfortable around him. We won't have to prattle on every moment about trivial things, we can sit in silence and have a good conversation when it arises; nothing is too forced. Sometimes I can resent him because he is so hard to get through too at times, but I love him nonetheless. He is very independent. There aren't any glaring problems here, nothing that can be remedied, at least. We are fundamentally two very different people with conflicting ideas on conversation and interests and communication; so problems will inevitably arise. But those problems are navigable. And I have to understand and accept that we just have a friendship very different from most. We won't text everyday asking how he other is or stuff like that. We can go days without talking but then pick up where we left off whenever. It's very strange, but admirable.

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tinamaetales · 7 years

Text

My 2017 issues

I really have a strong feeling that 2017 hates the shit out of me! This year, gawd, is way too tough and too mean for me that most of the time I just want to sleep and never wake up. I started this year hopeful but halfway through it by now, I think all my hopes are gone.

This year I feel like I’m a punching bag; all I get are punches and I never really have the chance to fight back. Gosh, I feel so exhausted. In fact, I’ve never felt so exahusted until this year happened. I never imagined that after 2014 and 2016...here comes another contender for my worst year ever. Gosh, when will this suffering ever stop? I’m so done </3

Physical/Physiological aspect: I’ve been in and out of hospitals this year, man and it is too tiring. Four days in to 2017 and I was already admitted in the hospital because of acute gastritis and I spent about a week in there and bruh, it was not easy. Series of tests are tiring and having minimal ways to move is frustrating (cause of my dextrose) plus the fact that every 2 or 3 hours (if I’m not mistaken) nurses will visit me to check (I know that it’s their job but it makes me feel uncomfortable, I’m so sorry); being in the hospital exhausted me. And it was also the reason why I decided to quit on my very first job just after 2 weeks because I have to recover and I won’t be able to do that if I continue working.

Ever since January, I’ve always been sick. My gastritis will be triggered every now and then plus the fact that almost every other week I have a bad case of colds and coughs that sometimes would lead to having a flu. I just feel sick most of the time. Another thing is that just earlier this month I had a bad case of food poisoning. I seriously feel like I’m being punished in this lifetime, gosh! I should’ve just died, wth. And now as I am writing this, I have a fever. Why can’t I just die instead of bringing me all this sickness and allow me to just keep on suffering? Gosh!

Emotional aspect: I think this year is my most emotionally unstable year ever. I mean I can only count on one hand the number of times I smiled or laugh and it is through silly internet memes and videos and not because I was really happy. All I can feel are sadness, fear, and anger. Most of the time I’m just anxious. Sometimes I can’t even breath properly because of my “dark” emotions

Spiritual aspect: My spirits are just down. It’s so hard for me to sleep without crying (crying makes me feel exhausted that I end up sleeping because my body is too weak already) and to wake up and get out of my bed. I just feel so lost.

***

I guess there are only 2 reasons why I feel like holding on and they are K Drama (no joke, I swear!) and my family (even though most of the time they treat me like shit). K Drama actually motivates me to keep going because most of the stuff that I watch tackles life and death as well as behavior and personalities and the characters though fictional makes me feel somehow not alone, I can relate to them. And just by thinking about the episodes that I still have to watch makes me wanna wake up again and be suck into their story...inside their world that although as complicated as real life, you know that everything will turn out okay in the end cause if they’re not okay then it’s not yet the end and it somehow makes me feel hopeful. (I actually watched about 8 K Dramas now and I planned on sharing my thoughts about them here since I’ve already posted some however I just find it difficult to write since I’m really emotionally unstable as of the moment but they are all in my drafts) My family keeps me going as well. Most of the time I’m being treated like shit....you know no one actually appreciates me and all I hear are naggings but anyway family is family. I just feel like I have to hold on and continue fighting because even if nobody is there to help me with all the shits I’ve been going through, I don’t want my family or anyone else to be in my position so I must work hard in order for them not to fall into the agony that I am in right now.

Gosh, being me sucks.

I might delete this one though.

I just want to vent things out.

However, I don’t know how far I’ll hold on.

I’m tired. I want to rest.

TinaMae

#personal #vent out #2017

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slut-for-fandoms · 7 years

Text

Little witch (Part 5)

Pairings: Peter x reader

Word count: 2569

A/N: I am so sorry i am posting this so late. My apologizes for the mistakes you will probably find ♥ It’s my final week of school so i hope you understand why i am posting it so late and why your requests are taking so much time. Please tell me what your opinion about the story. And i am really interested what you think would happen. Please share it with me :3 Enjoy!

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4

“Up, down, backwards, kick. Again! Try to attack the unprotected zones! Good, now jump, kick, that’s right. Now-”, Steve’s commands were interrupted by the loud sound of someone being thrown badly on the floor.

“Ouch!”

“Are you okay?”, Steve asked the victim but didn’t give it a try to cover his smile.

“Yes, Captain. I am fine.”, Peter rose his thumbs and tried to stand up.

“I am sorry Pete but you weren’t paying enough attention. And I really wanted to punch you.”, (Y/N) stated as she gave a hand to Peter in order to help him to get on his feet.

“You are getting your ass beaten up by a girl. What a shame boy!”, Tony exclaimed. He had entered the training hall seconds before seeing how the little witch knocked down the spider-boy.

“You are a great fighter and I have no idea if I should be happy about it or not.”, the captain was observing (Y/N)’s technique since they began training. For a period of two weeks it was hard for him to predict what she was going to do. He had talked with Natasha after seeing how the girl beaten up the famous Black Widow but Nat was amazed by her movements as Steve, “Hydra had achieved their goals. You are better than Nat. Well, not as they probably wanted, but still.”

Hearing the name of the organization that took everything away from her, she almost fell again in the deep. Different feelings were surging in her. The girl clenched fists, took a deep breath and relaxed. After a month of training with Bruce and Wanda she was able to control her powers somehow. She was thought how to use her rage without letting it to overwhelm her body, mind, actions.

“What do you mean? She is amazing with cold weapons, Rogers.”, Tony exclaimed and walked down to them, “Let’s call her The Slicer!”, the man was too enthusiastic for the others to take him seriously.

“The Slicer? What a terrible name.”

“Take your word back captain or a new Civil War will erupt.”

“I like it. It makes me look dangerous.”

“You are a dangerous woman but I think it’s not for you.”, Peter expressed his opinion, “It’s for a coldhearted killer, while you are…”

“What am I Pete?”, (Y/N) came closer to the boy smirking and waited for his answer. She didn’t miss to spot the way he gulped nervously and rubbed the back of his neck with his left hand, “You are emitting nervousness. Why?”, the witch asked in a sweet and yet flirtatious voice, “Is it because of me?”

“I-um.”, another gulp, “No, yes, I mean…Argh!”, the boy covered his face and whispered something like ‘How can you be so desperately stupid?’

“Wait, why are you here?”, Steve suddenly asked Tony.

“Maybe because this building is all mine and I want to roam through it.”

The girl laughed, Steve gave an eye roll while Peter relaxed when the subject was changed and it took (Y/N)’s attention.

“Okay, okay. Stop that look! It makes me want to punch you in your perfect face.”. Tony stated and then continued, “I and Thor decided to throw a party so be ready in eight.”

“What?! A party ?! Why?”, Peter asked all of a sudden.

“Because my little kid you need to know how to have fun in your life. It’s not only the thick books you stuck your nose into.”, and with that the famous genius, billionaire, playboy and philanthropist man exited the room.

“Well we have like 5 hours until the party. Let’s continue working.”, (Y/N) suggested. It was her way to reduce the feelings inside her. They were all going out and in the end of the exercises she felt much relaxed and calmed although her body was a little exhausted.

“Oh you continue. I am worn out so I will take a rest.”

“I thought you were a durable boy, Parker.”, the girl smirked as she saw the boy turning around immediately.

“I am!”

“But you got exhausted just from some slight punches.”, the witch came closer to the boy not breaking eye contact again.

“I might be not showing my full potential only because I don’t want to hurt you.”, at this time the teenagers were both smirking while Steve was looking with interest what was about to happen.

“Don’t spare me Spider-boy. Show me your super strength and you’ll see I can bear it.”

“If you are asking so politely. But don’t you dare complain after that your body is aching.”

“Oh, the sexual tense between the two of you has filled the whole room.”, Nat spoken. The witch and the spider-boy separated from each other looking away, “Don’t act as though you were shy. If it wasn’t in the training room someone would think you were about to break the bed.”

“Will you guys stop interrupting our training!?”, the girl asked in annoyance. The Avengers kept coming and if another one had showed up he could had possibly ended in the medical wing.

“Yeah, if you were actually training.”, (Y/N) gave the redhead an eye roll and waited for her answer. For one month she got used to all the teasing and jokes the heroes like to share between them, “You must spent less time with Wanda and Stark. However, I am here for the party. I assume Tony have told you so. Would you like to go with Wanda to buy a dress or something?”

“Shopping isn’t my thing and Will. Never. Be.”

“You were my only hope. Now I have to go to the shops.”, agent Romanoff looked like a small child whose mother just had told him she would not by him the toy he wanted.

“Sorry Nat. Oh, if you like something could you take it for me?”

“Yes, but you will owe me!”, Nat declared as she exited the room.

“That was a big mistake, (Y/N).”, the teenagers’ trainer for today stated out loud, “Anyone who have owed her something hasn’t ended good.”

“I will find a way to trick her.”, the girl gave a smile to the captain and the three of them continued working out. (Y/N) was without a doubt the best of them all, even the captain, but Peter managed to beat her five times which was a great success.

“Don’t hurt them!”, she screamed, “Mummy! Daddy! I am here! We will get out of here!”

“They can’t hear you.”

“What do you want from me?”

“Show me your powers. Revile them!”

“I-I can’t! Don’t you understand, I CAN’T!”, she shouted, tears rolling down her face. She didn’t want to lose them, not now.

“You don’t give us another option. Enjoy the show.”

Screams filled the room but this time an explosion didn’t happen. Instead the girl stayed in the room looking at her dead parents on the floor.

‘It’s your fault! It’s your fault! IT’S YOUR FAULT!’, the voices filled the small place she was locked into. They were shouting and screaming in agony.

“Please stop! Stop! I did what I could to save you!”, but with each word spoken the voices became louder and louder deadening the girl’s obeys,

“IT IS YOUR FAULT WE ARE DEAD!”, her parents’ voices kept screaming and filling the room while the girl crouched in the corner of the room whispering:

“Sorry, sorry, sorry! I did all I could”

“YOU ARE THE ONE WHO KILLED US! YOUR HANDS ARE COVERED IN OUR BLOOD, YOU FILTHY SPAWN!”

(Y/N) woke up from her nightmare breathing heavily. Since day one she kept dreaming the same thing every night. This time it wasn’t different. She continues seeing her parents dying and blaming her for it. At first she started believing them but after Wanda had seen her dream by accident everything changed. (Y/N) did her best to believe Wanda’s words that she wasn’t guilty, that Hydra had manipulated her in order to get what they wanted but something deep inside her was still feeling it was her fault. She had to be better and they could have lived till today.

The witch looked at the clock next to her bed. It was 6:30pm. She had an hour and half until the party. She stood up and went straight to the bathroom. The water was hot, slightly burning her skin but the girl didn’t minded. She liked it, the mist that caused her to breathe hard, the water that relaxed her body. (Y/N) wanted to stay there longer and to wash all the stress away but the time was flying. After brushing her teeth and putting underwear on she went back to her room. As she entered it someone did the same from the other door. With no surprise, it was Peter.

“(Y/N) are you- Oh mu gosh!”, as he entered in a hurry he fastened to spin around.

“Tell me, Parker…are your spider senses telling you when I am half or fully naked so you can enter in that moment?

“This time I knocked!”, the boy tried to protect himself, “You didn’t answer so I decided to check out what is going on.”

“Only to be sure I am okay?”

“I know it sounds stupid but I care about you and-”, and all of a sudden he shut up with eyes wide opened. (Y/N) blushed at his words but tried to cover it so he would not see it.

“I am flattered you wanna make sure I’m alright but I can handle myself, Parker.”, the girl gave Peter a smile.

“Yeah, okay, I will leave now.”

“No, wait!”

“What?”, the boy was surprised (Y/N) didn’t want him to leave after he saw her half naked for one god knew what time in a roll.

“I have problems with what to wear tonight. Would you stay and help me choose?”

This time both blushed and smiled. Peter accepted and closed the door. He sat on the bed looking at the beautiful girl in front of him. He scanned her body with only one look and gulped in nervousness. She was gorgeous and not only because of her appearance. The girl was a complex character. Once she was confident and sarcastic, other times shy and insecure, on training she was like a killing machine when training with Steve. At those times she scared him but he knew that she was just a broken porcelain doll that would never be repaired and look the same as before. But Peter wanted to be the strength holding all the pieces together. The one being her anchor, to help her get through all of this and to show she wasn’t alone. There was a person that cared and he wanted the girl to understand it. Peter wished to show her all the things she missed – the happiness, the games everyone plays as s child, the feelings of having a first love and the butterflies you feel in your stomach when you kiss, the moments when you cry from joy, laughing, bliss. He wanted not only to make her feel the good part of life but to feel all the things with her. The boy wanted to make this girl happy and to be the reason she was smiling. And when she smiled form heart at his jokes or stupidity he smiled too.

On the other hand, as the boy was looking at (Y/N) with something like love she felt insecure. When he had entered the room she spoke from annoyance but now she finally understood she was just in her underwear in front of a boy she asked to stay and help her. The girl bit her lip and turned around facing the wardrobe. She opened it and hurried to take the first clothes that she saw. It happened to be simply jeans and tank top.

“Well, you look beautiful in them I have seen but they are too ordinary for the event.”

“What about this one?”, (Y/N) showed the boy a black skirt

“It might work but what would you put on top?”

The witch grabbed almost all of the clothes that were in the wardrobe and began dressing. Peter rejected the combinations thinking it wasn’t for the situation or that the clothes weren’t fitting right.

“It’s 7:45 and I still have no idea what to put on me!”, (Y/N) sat next to the boy and was about to cry. He tried to calm her down but no boy knows the feeling of having a full wardrobe and no clothes to wear. It was despairing. As Pete was about to say something someone knocked on the door. (Y/N) stood up and went to open it. There was Wanda holding three bags in her hands.

“This is for you. I am sorry I am bringing them so late but put them on and come downstairs with Peter. Don’t be late!”

(Y/N) was surprised when Wanda mentioned Peter but it was probably one of her powers that showed her the teenagers were both in the room.

The girl opened the bags. In the first one she found just the perfect outfit, in the second she found some jewelry and in the third one there was a suit for Peter.

“This one is for you.”, (Y/N) handed the boy his outfit.

“What? Really? Why would they buy a suit for me?”

“I don’t care. Go to the bathroom and put it on. I want to see in something different than jeans ash shirt or your spider suit.”

“Okay, okay. I am going! No need to rush me.”, the boy smiled as he entered the bathroom where he began changing. (Y/N) hurried to change too although she had nothing to be ashamed of. She spent an hour half naked in front of Peter…why was she now feeling insecure? However the girl put the clothes on and looked at the mirror. She was wearing a black tight skirt that ended some centimeters above her knees. The top was short, simple and shower the upper part of her stomach. The way it outlined her curves made the girl look at herself from another angle. For the first time in her life she felt beautiful just because of some clothes. As she finished putting the necklace on, Peter came in the room in his suit. He was trying to put his tie on but with no result.

“Will you help me?”, Peter asked innocently.

“Yeah.”, (Y/N) murmured after some seconds as she took some time to observe him, “But I don’t think it is necessary.”, as she came closer she took the tie away and removed the black top of the suit. Now he was standing only in his trousers and white shirt that had the top buttons undone.

“You look hot.” , they both looked at each other with wide eyes. Thanks God, she said only this not how she wanted to kiss him right now and bury her hands in his messy hair.

“Thanks.”, Peter smirked as he took his time to observe the girl in front of him, “But I am afraid you are overshadowing me. You are just stunning in this outfit.”, the girl smiled brightly and looked at Peter who was grinning too, “Shall we?”, her offered his hand.

“Let’s go to the party.”, the witch took his hand and they both went downstairs where they could hear the loud music and people talking.

Part 6

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