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napakmahal · 6 months

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Baby Fever

This may or may not be a call out towards myself cause I will swear up and down I don’t want kids then see a baby in public and be like “goo goo gaga”

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that working on slow days is beyond boring. What’s even worse is when the only people that come in on slow days are shitty customers.

“The manners of today’s working class have depleted in ways I cannot fathom!” Hiro came bursting into the back of the café restaurant with a look of disbelief on his face.

Without looking up from his phone, Tadashi answered “Wow those are some big words, little brother, I’m impressed.”

“Shut up!”

You laughed while sitting on the wooden countertop, arms hugging your boyfriend’s back. “What happened?”

Hiro plopped down on the stool in front of the sink and started to rant. “This woman comes in here and she bought a mocha latté and then complained about it being six dollars. Like I’m the one who makes the fricken prices! Surprise, surprise she didn’t have enough. So what did she do? SHE REACHED INTO THE TIP JAR AND GRABBED TWO DOLLARS! But then after I took her order and started making her drink, she followed me around the entire time watching me. She pointed at the simple syrup and was like ‘Can you add another pump?’ LIKE UNLESS YOU’RE GOING TO PAY THE EXTRA 25 CENTS NO I CANNOT! And when I finally gave it to her she said I took too long and that the place down the street makes them faster and they taste better. THEN GO THERE AND STOP WRINGING OUT MY PATIENCE!”

By the end of his story, you and Tadashi were losing your minds over how hard you were laughing. Granted, Hiro being upset wasn’t funny but his storytelling abilities were unmatched.

Customers could be very difficult and earlier that day someone had told Tadashi they wanted a manager because they were being pissy about not being able to get a refund on a drink they ordered and drank half of. If it were any other day, he would have just gone to get his Aunt. But Aunt Cass went out for a girl’s day with her friends since all of them happened to be in town and relatively free at the same time. As you get older, hanging out with friends is a privilege.

A couple of dings from the bell on the front counter rang signaling the arrival of a customer. Hiro’s fight of flight sense kicked in and he practically jumped off the floor.

“No, absolutely not.” He shook his head. “I’m not taking them, my workday is over.”

“What?” Your boyfriend looked at his little brother. “It’s been two hours!”

“Yes Tadashi, it has been two hours!” He hissed. “Two hours of my life I will never get back. These people are insane!”

Hiro took off and locked himself in the walk-in pantry. He then proceeded to slam his face into an unopened bag of flour and scream his heart out.

“Oh my gosh, he’s so dramatic.” Tadashi stared at the door of the pantry, listening to his little brother’s muffled cries.

The bell was still ringing outside, the customer was still waiting. You laughed into Tadashi’s back, taking in his smell. Tadashi’s a clean person and not only that, his natural body smell is just pleasant. Just about everything you own smells like him, and you love it.

“Do you want me to get it?” You mumbled against his cardigan.

Your boyfriends turned around to look at you. “What? Why would you do that?”

“Just to help out.” You shrugged.

“Hun, you don’t work here. You really don’t have to.”

You scoffed, “You don’t work here either. Technically.”

“But I live here, so I kinda have to.”

“Tadashi, I practically live here.”

He laughed at that. It was pretty true. The only times you ever really went home were to get things you didn’t have, do your laundry, or if you felt like they were getting sick of you. Plus you never really feel like that anymore because the last time you said you feared Aunt Cass wanted you out of her house she almost started crying. She was afraid she’d done something to make you feel unwelcomed. Besides, you’re her girl in a house full of boys and their bots.

“Are you sure? I can get it, or force Hiro to do it.”

“No, it’s not a big deal.”

He leaned over and pecked you on the lips. “Okay, thank you hunny. I appreciate you so much.”

You walked outside the curtain only to be met with a young couple and their baby. He was holding onto her and trying to rip away a claw clip from her baby grip.

“Yeah, mommy’s clip is pretty.” He said in a small voice. “But we can’t eat it though.”

“What is she doing?” The mom asked looking back at her partner and their baby.

“Trying to eat your clip. I’m telling you she’s going to get sick, last night it was the pen then-”

“Hi there!” You walked towards them smiling. “So sorry about the wait.”

The mom shook her head. “No, it’s fine. We were trying to calm her down anyway.”

“What can I get you guys?”

They went on to order one green apple Italian soda with redbull, an iced hazelnut coffee, and a small warm almond milk with a cake pop. The entire time you were making their drinks, you couldn’t help but notice the babbling of their baby. She was adorable, dressed in a pink sundress and flower-shaped sunglasses. Everything from the sound of the blender to the noise the can of Red Bull made when popped open made her giggle.

During that entire time, you couldn’t help but wonder: What if Tadashi and you had a baby? What would you name them? If it was a boy, then you could name them after him or Hiro. Naomi was a beautiful name for a girl. You could buy them little themed onesies and decorate their rooms. They would say ‘dada’ before ‘mama’ because it’s beyond simple to connect with Tadashi. And they could go to school and crush their science department and say it’s because their dad is a genius.

By the time you snapped back into reality, you’d already made all their drinks and made sure to cool down the small milk for the baby. When you placed everything on the dropoff, the little girl reached her hand down from where she was being held and poked the back of your wrist with her tiny finger.

“Hello there!” You smiled at her. “Aren’t you adorable?”

Your face only made her start to giggle and placed her hand on her chin and flicked it outwards. Thank you in sign language. In return, you placed your hand flat on your chin and pulled it down towards your chest to say ‘You’re welcome’.

“She’s beautiful.” You spoke to her parents. “What’s her name?”

“This is Nyla,” Her mom smiled at her baby. “She just turned ten months, so we’re almost there.”

You gently clapped your hands together, “Oh that’s amazing. Congratulations.”

“What about you?” Nyla’s dad asked.

Her mom joined in on the questioning. “Any little ones?”

You almost choked on your own saliva at their question. I guess to them it didn’t seem too extreme. They barely looked three years older than you.

“No, I don’t. I haven’t been with my current boyfriend long enough for that. And I don’t even know if he wants any.”

Nyla’s mom gave you a sympathetic face. “Well, if you end up wanting any I hope the process is smooth.”

You thanked them and signed “bye” to Nyla. Despite them being gone, the baby fever they’d given you without trying lingered all the way into the night.

——————————————————————————

While you were lying on your boyfriend’s bed scrolling on your phone through countless baby videos and falling down the rabbit hole of how skin-to-skin connection works and how to swaddle them correctly so they don’t scratch themselves when they sleep. As your back was turned you felt a dent in the bed as your boyfriend started kissing your back from your tailbone to your shoulder blades.

“What ya’ lookin’ at hun?” He plopped down next to you and started snaking his arms around your waist.

“Just scrolling,” You kept your answer vague out of fear of freaking him out. “Hey, did you know that if you rub a teething baby’s mouth with warm garlic it will make them feel better than cold cloths?”

Tadashi kissed the side of your jaw, the tingle of his minty toothpaste prickling your skin. “I did not, that’s pretty cool.”

“When you swaddle babies you’re supposed to get them little mittens because they have really sharp fingernails.” You added.

Tadashi’s face contorted with confusion. “Why all this baby talk? What are you watching?”

“Just a bunch of baby videos.”

“Why?”

You sighed and put the phone down to turn your body down and look him in the eyes. “Well, while I was helping those customers earlier. They had such a cute baby and we just talking about having kids and stuff and I think they gave me like- baby fever or something.”

To your surprise, he started to laugh.

“Why are you laughing?” You poked.

“I’m sorry,” He grabbed your wrists. “I didn’t mean to laugh, you just caught me off guard.”

Your heart flipped in your chest out of nervousness. Had you freaked him out? “Is that bad?”

“No, no it’s not.” He assured you. “So, you want a baby?”

You covered your face with your hands and groaned. “I mean, right now yeah but then I think about like the birth process and then I’m like ‘nuh unh.’”

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, I think you’d make a fantastic mom.” Tadashi smiled into your neck.

You leaned over and rammed your head into his stomach. “Can we have one?”

The feeling of Tadashi’s stomach fluctuating while he laughed pushed against your head. “Maybe later, hun.”

“So you do want kids?”

He grabbed you by the face and forced you to look back up at him. “Yeah, I’ve told you that before. I’ve said I want a daughter, and I want her to look like you, and I want to decorate her room and throw her birthdays, and go to all her school and sports events.”

“I want her to have your nose.” You admitted.

Tadashi started laughing and shaking his head. “No, no she will get bullied. Trust me I know.”

“No matter son or daughter, they should take Japanese lessons.” You added.

“Yeahhhh,” Tadashi breathed through his teeth. He knew enough Japanese to ask someone for very general directions. But the second a native speaker started talking a little too fast, all his comprehension skills started to deplete.

You could have kids in future years, when you had a shared place and both of you were done with school. Besides, it’s not like anything at all could break the two of you apart.

#baymax #big hero six #big hero 6 #tadashi hamada #hiro hamada #bh6 x reader #tadashi hamada x reader #hiro hamada x reader #disney #fanfic #napakmahal #baby fever

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is-this-yuri · 3 months

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i mean i don't think it's evil to give a homeless person food instead of cash, even if the reason is because you don't want them to spend money on drugs or whatever. the BEST thing you can give a homeless person is whatever they need at that moment, and the second best thing is cold hard cash. but when i'm panhandling i'm never going to say no to a snack and i'm still going to be grateful even if i can't eat what they gave me.

today someone gave me a bag with three meals in it, but they were all frozen. i don't have any way to heat this food up that won't make it taste weird (like putting it on my engine or something), so this stuff is inedible to me. i tried all day, but without a microwave it's just. not gonna be good. i'm still grateful that she tried to give me something useful.

i have three pairs of gloves i got for free, and i took them all because who knows what might happen? i might lose two pairs, or they might get holes in them, or it might end up so cold i need three layers of gloves. i might meet someone else who needs gloves.

it's important to acknowledge that not every homeless person can take the food you want to give them, or might not need food because they can get it through other means. it's important to acknowledge that substance abuse issues are more complex than 'if i can't afford it, i'll quit' and that a homeless person drinking some beer or smoking some cigarettes or weed isn't a moral failure or a lack of priorities on their part. it might not even be at the level of substance abuse. at the same time, i don't think you have to give us cash or nothing. give whatever you're willing and able to give.

like it says on my sign, anything helps. yes, cash helps the most, because cash is the gateway to pretty much anything else i could need. but morale helps a lot too. knowing people are kind and willing to give helps. a free bag of cheetos helps.

#homeless #homelessness #panhandling #just some thoughts after doing the panhandling thing for a while #to be honest i was NOT grateful for the bible i got that one time #but i said thanks anyway

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jiejies-corner-store · 1 month

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this cruel world

pairing. aventurine x reader tags/tw: fem!reader, pregnancy, complications with pregnancy, references to childbirth, angst w/ open ending, spoilers to aventurine's real name, mostly 2.1 spoiler free i think sfw a/n: i did not proofread this at all, but i'm playing through 2.1 and i have to keep stopping because baby aventurine is hurting my soul. might make a follow up to this pt. 2

The more you had, the more you stood to lose.

Aventurine lived his life holding onto this one fact.

“--vasha…”

So why… why did he ever aspire to gain more than he could handle to lose.

“Sir, you need to leave the room we need to stabilize her,” the nurses ushered him out of the room. The cold white lights of the hospital room made his head spin. The smell of sanitizer burned his airways. Everything was happening all at once and there was nothing he could do. He was about to crash out. He was about to lose it all.

From there it was a blur. It wasn’t until he felt a hand touch his shoulder that he even realized he’d been standing staring down at this… glass box for an hour. His neck strained but he couldn’t take his eyes off of it.

“He looks just like you,” Topaz said, joining her colleague, staring down at the small infant encased safely in the clear incubator. All sorts of things were attached to the steadily breathing Avgin child, monitoring… waiting. Just as he imagined you were at the moment. Hooked up to a hundred machines as the nurses and doctors worked to try to keep your brain alive and your heart pumping.

“I’ve… not even been able to hold him yet,” Aventurine said quietly. It was wrong. It was wrong to acknowledge his son’s existence. It was almost as if the second he did, he would lose you. A sick gamble.

Topaz broke her gaze and instead looked to Aventurine. “She’s going to be okay you know. These are the best doctors that the galaxy has to offer—”

She shut up when Aventurine had nothing to offer her except for a dejected look. After watching over the young Avgin in silence for a few more minutes, Topaz left with a simple pat on the father’s back, and left him to his thoughts.

Outside, rain poured in heavy sheets of water.

Finally, Aventurine sat down next to his newborn child and finally swaddled the child into his arms, closing his eyes as tears began to build up in them, “Welcome to this cruel world… Ilyas.”

When he opened his eyes again, an identical pair stared back in wonder.

#aventurine x reader #hsr x reader #aventurine x you #kakavasha #adventurine hsr

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cassiopeiasdaughter · 9 months

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gorgeous

Sirius Black x fem!reader

warnings: cursing, underage drinking & smoking, !poorly proofread!

summary: you hate Sirius & he hates you (or tries to but fails miserably)

Sirius Black masterlist

you’re so cool it makes me hate you so much

Sirius Black didn’t hate many things.

He hated assignments and losing in quidditch; he hated his parents and the rest of his snobby relatives. He hated having to wear formal clothes and brushing his hair. And he hated you.

It wasn’t something he could explain. You weren’t an evil person and you didn’t do bad things. But something about you drove him completely mad.

And the only reason he had to deal with you was that you were Lily’s best friend and he couldn’t get rid of you.

Your best friends were dating and you had to tolerate eachother.

Be civil James always begged him, but then he would see your face; all uptight and frowning and your hands crossed in front of you; in a manner that reminded him of his old piano teacher who would scold him for not practicing enough.

You didn’t acknowledge him, and when your eyes did land on him your eyebrows would be raised and your mouth slightly turned downwards, as if his face was covered in dirt and he smelled like garbage.

The first time he actually talked to you, and realized he liked it better when he didn’t, was when Lily and James first started going out together. Their first date was a friendly get-together with the four of you.

It was not a double date. Sirius made sure to let James know; all he would be doing was distracting you so Lily would be free to talk to James. He was outgoing and charismatic when he needed to be, and he loved James like a brother so being a third/fourth wheel for him wasn’t that big of a deal. Plus, he liked Lily so how bad could her friend be? The answer is terrible.

You wouldn’t look at him, and weren’t impressed by his jokes. He tried telling you about his pranks but all you did was frown and criticize them, “if you cared about school half as much as you care about these childish things, you’d have graduated by the age of 14.”

He didn’t argue with you, though, even if he died to, because one look at Lily and James and how happy they were (giggling at the stupid things James was saying) couldn’t let him ruin this.

So you sat quietly, eating and drinking, and then drinking some more, until Lily and you left together. Leaving an annoyed Sirius with a blushing James.

What annoyed him most, was how his friends absolutely adored you. You played chess with Peter; and Sirius always heard him gushing about how brilliant you were at it. You studied with Remus in the library and discussed books together. The way you would speak to his friend about your favorite stories, and the way your eyes always gleam drives him completely insane. And don't get him started on how one day you introduced James to the "the proper athlete lifestyle”,which resulted in Sirius losing his drinking and smoking partner because, our bodies are temples and we need to treat them as such.

So; you have stolen his friends, invaded his life and he can't do anything about it.

One rainy Saturday morning he found Remus, reading a muggle book by the fireplace, about -elves and rings?-.

“Moony.”, he said and earned a quiet “mhm” from his friend, who was still focused on his book.

“I wanted to ask you something.” He said and looked around to make sure no one would hear them.

“Lilys friend, you know, the one in your little book club.”

“Not a book club.”, Remus answered turning a page in his book

“Yeah, whatever. She hates me, I think.”, Sirius said and earned no reaction from his friend “Would you happen to know why?”, he finished and looked at his friend, who closed his book with a sigh.

“Have you ever said anything that would make her hate you?” Remus asked patiently

“No, why, did she tell you anything?”

“Have you done anything to her?”, his friend asked again

“No, I don’t think so.”

“Then she just doesn’t like you" he made a move to resume his reading but Sirius insisted.

“Why does it matter, you can’t be liked by everyone, you know that better than most”

“But I don’t get it, why would she hate me this much. She always looks at me with this f-”

Remus didn’t say anything, but gave his friend an amused look, softly smirking at his words.

“What.” Sirius said annoyed

“Well, instead of worrying about why she hates you, ask yourself why you care so much.”

“But I- I don’t care. In fact I hate her just as much.”

“Right.”

“Its true I don’t care!”

“Obsess then, better choice of words.”

“Sod off”, he said as he got up to walk away, leaving Remus laughing to himself and resuming his book.

As the year progressed , your interactions with Sirius remained the same, with the addition of an eyeroll here and there along with bickering that resulted in you being the first one to leave from gatherings.

“Good riddance” he always thought to himself, receiving a murderous look from you; as if you were able to read his thoughts.

December came and your friend group planned a Secret Santa gift exchange. It was a muggle thing, explained Lily, where the participants get gifts for eachother, without revealing their identity.

“Everyone, take a sit and pick a card from the bowl infront of you when it is your turn.”, instructed Lily “And remember, don’t let anyone know who you’ve picked, and you can’t switch cards with anyone!”

As he read Remus’s name on the card, he let out a breath of relief. He was worried, that with his luck, he would end up getting you a gift, and he really didn’t want that. Finding a good present for Moony would be a piece of cake, he told himself and then put off actually buying the gift for a couple of weeks.

He realized how big of an idiot he was, when Friday came, the last Friday before the gift exchange (that would be taking place on Sunday). Which meant he had exactly two days to buy something good for his friend.

He begged James for help, but he was too busy finishing up the last few details of his present; poor Peter had no taste and would be no help and Lily was caught up in Head Girl duties. Making you, the only person available, to advise him, which honestly wasn’t that bad of an outcome , since you and Remus were good friends.

He found you alone, sitting on a couch with your homework on your lap and a cup of coffee in your hands.

“Goodmorning.”, he greeted

Your eyes shot up and you looked around confused, before realizing he was talking to you, “Morning.”, you said calmly

“How is the Secret Santa shopping going?”, he asked trying to make smalltalk

“Um fine… And you?’

“It is good that you ask, because I actually need your help.”

“Mine? Why?”

“Well, you see, I delayed buying a gift, which means that if I get something that isn’t perfect now, I will be the the biggest idiot on Earth.”

“Because, you aren’t already?”

“I- ” he let out an annoyed laugh at that, not wanting to insult you now that he needed your help. “As I was saying, I need you to help me find a really really good gift. So, Hogsmeade, tomorrow morning? What do you say, love?”

“Ah- us two?”

“Yeah, well everyone else is kind of busy, so you are kind of my last hope.”

“Oh, oh, well, excuse me, but I have better things to do than spend my Saturday buying gifts for you, besides, you aren’t supposed to tell me who you have.”

“Remus.”, he quickly said

“Why would you tell me that?”, you screamed dramatically leaving him completely unbothered

“Now you kind of have to come, don’t you? You already know who it is and I am sure you have nothing better to do tomorrow.” “Ah, excuse you, but I am a busy person, thank you very much.”

“Yeah, ah, okay. Do you want me to beg? Please, just, do me this favor, this once. The holidays are coming soon and you won’t have to see me for two whole weeks, and after summer I will never bother you again. So please?”

You stared at him for a while, thinking over everything he said , he could swear your face turned red for a split second, before you answered “Fine, but we won’t spend the whole day there, I want to try and study before winter break.” “Great, thank you, we will finish early. So, after breakfast tomorrow? At 10:30?”

“9.”. You said

“Right, okay, bye.”, he said enthusiastically and went on his way to the quidditch field while you loudly said behind his back “Don’t be late!”

He was only ten minutes late, the next morning. But it wasn’t really his fault, practice had ended later than expected the previous night and he needed to avoid being caught by Remus on his way out of the common room.

So he hurried down the stairs, skipped breakfast and coffee hoping he would have time to buy something when you reached the village, and found you, waiting for him impatiently with a frown on your face.

“You are late.”, you said

“Goodmorning to you too.”, Sirius replied with a sarcastic smile

Before he could say anything else, you held out your hands to give him a few cauldron cakes from the breakfast table “You can get coffee on the go, lets get moving.”, you said and passed him the food before heading towards the carriages.

“Ah, thank you.”, he said with his mouth stuffed, running after you.

The ride to Hogsmeade was…quiet at first. But not in the completely unpleasant and awkward way. You had also brought a notebook with you and made a list of all the shops you could visit, and all the presents you could buy for Remus. Sirius, could hardly keep up with you and mostly nodded while trying not to fall asleep.

“I was thinking,” you started saying as you reached your destination “There is this bookshop, that sells a few Muggle books, and Remus had been telling me about a signed copy he desperately wanted to get.”

“Let’s get it then. Lead the way.”

“Yeah, but it might be too expensive and it might be sold by now, so just know that we need to have backups.”, you said anxiously

He grabbed the notebook from your hands in a playful manner, tapping at the list you’d made on the way here. “Well, I think you’ve got that covered. Come on, lets go.”

Before walking inside the bookstore, you agreed to split up and look for the book “Don’t hesitate to hex anyone that tries to get it before us, alright?”

“Oh of course, I will also stop brushing my hair and I’ll start shouting at people on the street. Perhaps by March I’ll have achieved the proper heathen look, and maybe if I try hard enough I’ll catch up to you.” You replied with a smile while batting your eyelashes at him.

“Ah hilarious, let’s go.”, he said dragging the words in irony

The bookstore was overflowed with books, old and new, and millions of maps, everywhere in the shelves. You were right, to be nervous, finding that one book would be a challenge. Thankfully it wasn’t busy this time of day and the only people inside were you two, an old lady organizing the bookcases and the shop owner who was currently feeding his owl by the window.

You both spent at least thirty minutes searching, before Sirius heard you scream his name surprised “I found it!.”, you celebrate as if you’ve just caught the golden snitch. He ran to you then and without thinking he gave you a spin, causing you to let out a yelp.

As he let you down, you looked at eachother awkwardly with a hint of warmth coating your cheeks. He took the book from your hands and quickly said, “Uh good job.” to which you replied “Thank you.” while playing with your sweater.

Walking up to the cashier register, the book owner asked “Is this a present?” ,as he wrapped the book, to which you both replied “Yes.” “Good thinking.” The man said, causing Sirius to ask “What do you mean?” with an awkward smile.

“I learned a little too late, that I should take my wife Christmas shopping with me, and make sure I get her something she actually likes.”, he said smiling

That statement caused you and Sirius to cough and laugh awkwardly once you both realized what the man was implying.

“Oh no, no we aren’t-”

“We are just, friends.” You said red-faced

“Our best friends are together, and we starting hanging out because of that.”

“Yeah but not, not like that.”

The man observed the two of you in silence for a minute; stammering, with wide eyes and blushing cheeks before he let out a heartfelt laugh. “I see.”

“Well, either way, have a wonderful Christmas.”, he wished as you left.

You walked together in silence, for a while, not knowing what to do now that you had completed your task.

“Thank you for helping me today.”

“Remus will love it.”, you replied with a forced smile

“Yes.”Neither of you said anything for a few seconds before Sirius interrupted the silence, “Hey, since we finished early, do you want to get some coffee or-”, he asked you, wanting to treat you for helping him with the gift.

“Oh I’d better get going, study now that I have more time. I’ll see you tomorrow for the exchange.”, you said and left him standing in the snow, outside of the Three Broomsticks, with the book in his arms and a stunned look on his face.

He was an idiot to think he misjudged you, of course you had helped him because Remus was your friend, and only that. But, would it honestly be that much of a torment for you to get a cup of coffee with him? Did he smell bad? Was there something on his face? Had he said something to you; to insult you without knowing it? Was it that old mans comment that bothered you that much? Was it that big of an insult; to be considered his girlfriend? He wasn’t thrilled about it either, but he obviously wasn’t that affected by it. He really couldn’t understand you.

“Her loss.” He muttered as he went inside for some hot chocolate to treat himself.

Remus obviously loved his gift and the exchange went well. Sirius still remembers to this day singing and dancing in the common room and drinking a lot of mulled wine. He wanted to thank you, but he was met with the cold wall you had built around you and he really didn’t want to ruin his mood.

As April arrived, the days were starting to get warmer- as warm as Scotland could get-, and sunnier. And this year, being your last at Hogwarts the Marauders decided it would be a great idea to plan a Lake-picnic-swim-get together, with Lily of course and well you.

Sirius didn’t mind though, he would play in the water with his friends and avoid you, and if he was lucky he could manage splashing you a few times, without meaning to of course.

The boys arrived first, and Sirius took advantage of that and dragged James in the water so all of them could play a new game he invented which was a mix of quidditch and a muggle sport called water-polo.

It was the most fun he remembered having in a while, it brought him back to his early years, when the worries that come with graduation and adulthood had no place on his mind.

Of course, fun doesn’t last forever, and you showed up. Your hair was loose and dancing gracefully as the soft wind blew at it. It was the first time he had ever seen you look so, free. You greeted everyone as you took off your clothes, staying in your bright blue swimming suit, causing; Peter to stammer like a Third Year, and then Sirius to splash him with water, to come back to his senses.

You placed your things underneath a tree, near the towel the boys had placed down, and then laid down to read your book as everyone swam.

“Let’s play chicken.”, James said childishly

“That is a children’s game.”, protested Remus making Lily laugh

“Oh come on, just this once! Lets have fun, one last time.” He pleaded dramatically eventually convincing everyone.

“I am teaming with Moony.” Said Peter making Remus look at him sternly “What? You are the tallest, and I like winning.”

“Whatever.” He said and sank down, for Peter to climb on his shoulder.

Lily swam to James and kissed him, before looking around and asking “What about Sirius?”

It was a sensible question Sirius had also thought about, and he knew the only way to solve this problem would be asking you to team up with him, but he had some dignity saved and wouldn’t bring himself to do that.

James however shouted your name and asked you if you would play with them, since his friend was left alone.

“Um no.” you said apologetically, closing your book.

“What did you say?”, screamed Lily, causing you to get closer to the lake for them to hear you better.

“I said n-” you started but were cut off by Lily, who grabbed your hand while smiling and pushed you in the Lake, causing everyone, especially Sirius, to laugh.

“Well you are in now, so you might as well play.” She winked at you and you threw water at her face in reply

“Can we speed this up? Peter is going to drown us both.”, complained Remus whose head was trying to stay out of the water.

“So, what do I need to do?”, you asked

“You push the other players off, darling, it isn’t that hard.”, replied Sirius with a sarcastic tone, driving you to give him a side eye.

“Just climb on his back and try to stay there.”, said Peter; pointing Sirius to you

Your face turned red as you swam to his side “Alright, okay.”

“I will count to three, I will sink down and you will sit on my shoulders, yeah?”, he asked

“Okay.”

“1, 2-”, he said calmly with his hands raised in front of you two, counting

“Wait”, you stopped him and held his hands; preventing him from going anywhere “What if I drown you?”

“You won’t”

“What if I drown you and we both die?”

“We won’t”

“What if you slip and then I choke you with my legs.”

His face turned red at that “I- you won’t”

“What if-”

“Alright, 3.”, he said loudly and sank down, gently guiding you on him; coming up for air after making sure you were fully seated.

“There we go, not that bad, was it?”, he joked

“Nno.”, you said, while trying to maintain your balance, without breaking his neck or ripping his hair off.

He held your thighs with his hands, making sure you’d stay up, and then moved towards the others.

Peter was the first one to go down; both because you and Lily teamed up against him and because Remus had began to grow very tired of holding him.

Then it was yours and Lily’s turn to try and throw eachoter in the water; and you were determined to win to get back at her for forcing you into this game in the first place. Which you eventually did.

“Yes!”, you screamed with a laugh as Lily fell backwards dragging James with her, and earned a round of applause from Remus and Peter who were laying on their blankets and watching the game from over there.

Sirius held out his hand to you, to give you a high five, as he celebrated, before gently diving off his back and into the water with a backflip.

You both laughed together and then he teased you “Told you we’d be fine, you could trust me more.”

“I don’t think I will Black, this was a one time thing for both our sakes.”, you replied teasing him back.

Before leaving you alone and returning to his friends he dived in the water, grabbed your legs and sank you down with him; causing you to let out a surprised scream once you realized what he was doing.

You reached the surface together, your bodies close to eachother and your faces a breath away. As you realized how close you were, you splashed his face with water, while he tried to apologize.

After the day at the Lake, Sirius realized that he didn’t hate you as much. It still annoyed him how you wouldn’t acknowledged his existence when you were together, or how you would talk to everyone but him at parties. And you would better not get him started on quidditch matches and how you cheered for everyone else, but never him.

Bloody Moony had been right, he was obsessing over you, and for what? Why did he care that you didn’t like him. Many people liked him- loved him even.

Come to think of it, he was better off hating you, but now he couldn’t. No, now he had grown to know you. And he had decided you were, likable.

You were smart and funny, he had to give you that.

In charms he would always watch how you would cast the spells, methodically and calm. The way your mouth voiced the words was well, beautiful. And there was one time, when a group of Slytherins had stopped you, Alice and Remus in the corridors. James and him were talking to a group of Hufflepuffs for their upcoming quidditch game and he only saw you from afar. He didn’t like the way your eyebrows furrowed as you listened to the boys talking to you, nor the way your body had taken a defensive stand. He wished he could walk up to them and hex them out of Scotland, but he had no business doing that, he didn’t understand why he even cared that much.

But, why couldn’t he stop glancing over at your form, and loosen the grip on his wand?

Fuck it, he thought and muttered an “excuse me”, to James and the others while walking over you.

Before he could say anything though, and get into any trouble, he heard your voice, strict and irritated “Rosier, I’ve honestly grown tired of the blood purity bullshit, don’t get me wrong, insulting you was fun for the first two years, but we are graduating in a few months, maybe study for NEWTS, get a hobby, remove the stick from your ass?”

He smiled then, as he watched Rosiers face turn purple from trying to come up with an insult, and paid attention to your face, confident and smug.

He watched awestruck as you giggled with your friends, telling himself that this version of you; the relaxed and happy one is his favorite and he really wanted to see it more often.

He watched as you played chess with Peter and tried talking to you, but you were too focused to pay attention to him. He also tried commenting while you discussed with Remus, about the books you were reading, but admittedly he had no clue what he was talking about and you just stared at him, without saying anything back.

It was hopeless; he couldn’t do anything to get you to talk to him, pay attention to him. He didn’t remember making friends to be that hard. He thought he was likable, and interesting but now he questioned everything.

One morning, during Slughorns potions class he woke up to the sight of you sitting next to him and whispering “James asked me to switch seats so he could sit next to Lily, for the Amortentia potion.”

“Oh, right okay.”, he replied back still half-asleep “Wait, what potion are we making today?” “Amor-” you began to say

“Amortentia Mister Black,” interrupted professor Slughorn “And thank you for waking up to join us, it truly is an honor.”

“Now, who here can tell me what this potion is?”

“Yes miss Evans?”, and as Lily started explaining Sirius felt his eyelids growing heavy once again.

The next time he woke up, was to the smell of his favorite pastries, the ones that Euphemia Potter made him every summer. He almost forgot he was in Potions class and thought he was laying in the Potters backyard, being served delicious strawberry muffins, but then he scented something different; less familiar but he could swear he’d smelled it before.

Suddenly the scent of oranges and hibiscus, overflowed his senses and he could clearly remember what it reminded him of.

He thought back to the day at the Lake and how your body smelled on top of him. Then he was reminded of the way you smell every time he would tower over you in your chess games, or when you would be sat in the couch of his common room; analyzing literature with Remus.

His Amortentia smells like you. You.

His eyes open fully now, and he can see the cauldron professor Slughorn has placed in front of him, while looking at him disapprovingly. As he turns his head he gets a glimpse of you, trying to gently reach the cauldron and smell the potion.

Professor Slughorn calls you first and asks what you smelled.

You hesitated at first, and tapped your fingers on the desk nervously, “I smell old books and seasalt.”, he heard you say. He definitely does not smell like seasalt or old books. Brilliant, not embarrassing in the slightest bit. Of course he would fall for a girl, who didn’t give two shits about him, barely acknowledged him and looked at him as if he’d murdered her entire family. He desperately needed to take care of his mommy issues after graduation.

“What about you, mister Black?”, asked Slughorn

“Strawberry muffins.” He said disappointed and under his breath, and then looked at you, wondering how he ended up in this situation.

A sunny Saturday morning, he found Remus sitting under a tree reading another muggle book of his, -about a woman who enjoyed walking and a man who loved her but despised her family?-

“Moony.”, he said as he sat beside Remus

“Padfoot.”, his friend replied, eyes glued to the book in his hands

“You remember that conversation we had about Lily’s best friend, you know the one-“

“In my little book club? Yes.”

“Well, complications have arisen.”

Remus shut his book and asked his friend “Complications?”

“Yes.”

“What kind of complications.”

“I am glad you asked Moony, by the way, here is a chocolate bar I brought for you.”, he said handing out the sweet, which Remus cautiously accepted

“Well, you remember how I thought she hated me?” He waited for his friend to nod before continuing “For one, I haven’t made any progress with that and also I’ve recently come to the conclusion that I like her.”

“You like her.”

“Yes, painfully so.”

“Right, and- the complications?”

“I just told you.”

“No, you told me you like her, I don’t see anything complicated there, in fact I could’ve told you, you liked her months ago.”, Remus replied, chewing on his chocolate

“You are no help”, sighed Sirius dramatically

“Have you considered, I don’t know, talking to her?”

“Are you mental? Absolutely not.”

“Why not?”

“Did you not hear the part where she can’t stand me?”

“Well, what do you want me to do?”

“I don’t know Moony, I thought you would know what I should do, has she told you if she likes anyone? Old books and seasalt, Old books and seasalt, old boo-”

“Wait a minute.”, Sirius muttered to himself and jumped at Remus sniffing him shamelessly.

“What in the bloody hell are you doing?”

“Stand still, I am trying to figure out something, maybe if I turn into Padfoot-”

“She doesn’t like me you git! Stay away.”, his friend shoved him away

“Are you sure?”

“Yes!”

“But how sure-”

“Okay enough, I am leaving and you need to talk to her, because you are ridiculous and insufferable” he said to his best friend as he quickly stood up, taking his book and chocolate with him leaving a confused Sirius behind.

The next few weeks were a complete torment for Sirius, how could he of all people be pining over a girl; especially a girl he couldn’t stand in the beginning of the school year. Humiliating, that’s what he would call this new…situation.

He would never talk to you about his feelings, and what exactly was there to say. “Hello, I can’t really stand you and want to hex you every time you frown at me but I also want to grab your face and snog you until you forget your name?” No, he couldn’t say that.

Instead, he did everything he could to forget about you. He started going out with girls, but always ended up comparing them to you. Which resulted in; him absolutely shitfaced crying to them about you and the misery of unrequited feelings. He thought then, studying and quidditch would help distract him from his infatuation, but he could never focus and your face and voice infected his mind.

“That is enough” snapped Remus one day “You are being ridiculous.”

“You don’t understand Moony, I feel ill. This is killing me.”

“You are so dramatic.”, sighed Peter “Just confess already, let her reject you and then move on.”

“Sod off.” Sirius replied “Honestly Moony, this was supposed to stay between us. Why did you tell him?”

“Because I cannot deal with you on my own. And Peter is right, you should tell her.”

“Tell who what?” Asked a grinning James who’d just arrived in the dorm room.

“Our dear friend here, is having girl issues.”, an amused Peter said

“Who? Remus? Who is the girl?”

“Not me.” Remus replied and pointed at Sirius

“Padfoot?” James asked with an open mouth “You, are having girl problems? How the bloody hell did that happen?”

Sirius replied with a deep sigh and buried his head in his pillow.

“Unrequited love.” Peter laughed

“There is no girl in this castle who isn’t in love with Sirius.” Said James “Well, apart from Pomfrey, Minnie and well your cousins. Even though that last one is up for debate.”

The boy in question, raised his head and gave his friend a disgusted look before saying “Well, Prongs, sorry to shock you but there is.”

“Well who is she? Tell me.”

Sirius stood up dramatically and walked to his friend. He gave him a desperate look and then whispered your name in his ear.

James said nothing, for a few seconds “Prongs? Are you still there?”, his friends asked and then James let out a loud laugh; loud enough for the creatures deep inside the Lake to hear him.

“Are you done?” Sirius said impatiently

“Yeah, I just need to catch my breath.” Replied James giggling causing Sirius to roll his eyes.

“You should definitely tell her.” He said as he calmed down and sat between Remus and Peter

“So you can laugh some more?” Sirius said annoyed

“Just tell her mate, school will be over in a month, you’ll never see her again if things go bad.”

“But they will go bad, haven’t you seen how she looks at me? Like she hates me.”

“Yeah, well you weren’t a fan of her either, and now look at you."

“I didn’t like her because of her stupid pouty mouth and the way her eyes are so… so beautiful.”, he said theatrically

That last comment caused the boys to laugh at their friend

“This is such a disaster, Prongs, mate you need to help me. Obliviate me and save me from this- this utter humiliation.”, he said shaking his friend

“Hey. Grow some courage and tell her or stay miserable. Now, I need to see my girlfriend, excuse me, lads.”

With that, the three boys looked at eachother in silence, which Sirius eventually broke as he asked “How would I even tell her?”

“Just wait for the right moment”, the boys advised him. But the right moment never came. You were never alone, and when you were alone you were either in the library or the common room with your face buried in a book.

And that is why Sirius Black found himself tonight, on a Friday night, walking around the corridors of the castle alone, whilst thinking about everything and nothing.

He felt nostalgic about graduating and never seeing this place again and he also felt a pain in his chest as he thought of you and how much he wanted to have you, while you wanted nothing to do with him.

As he reached the common room he prepared himself to quickly flee to his dorm and sleep off the nights melancholia, but soon he heard laughter and loud voices that informed him escaping wouldn’t be that easy.

“Paaadfoot”, exclaimed a drunk James “Join us, come on.”

“Yes, we were about to play truth or dare, come!” Lily said laughing

As he got closer to his group of friends he caught you sitting there, with your drink in your hand looking at him awkwardly. He hadn’t seen you like this, relaxed, in a long time; and he couldn’t blame you, NEWTS were a breath away and everyone was stressed. Your eyes looked tired and your hair was messy, but you still looked beautiful. He was surprised he didn’t notice it sooner; how pretty you actually are.

“I was heading upstairs, wanted to go to sleep early tonight.”, he said as an excuse, wanting to be alone

“Stay.”, he heard your voice as he made his way up the stairs and then froze in place “If Lily forced me to join and not study, you have to play also.”, you quickly said when you noticed his eyes glued at yours

“Alright” he muttered and took a seat between Remus and Peter

After a few rounds of James asking Lily when she first started liking him, and then Lily daring Peter to do his best impersonation of McGonagall it was Peters turn to ask Sirius;

“Out of every prank we’ve done all these years, which one is your favorite?”

He laughed as he remembered all the memories he’d made in this castle, not all of them were good, but they were his and he cherished every single one of them. And what made them even more special was that the people he’d spent his best years with, were sitting next to him, at this moment.

“Ah there are so many, maybe the feathers? Or or the red paint one.”

“Red paint? Asked Lily

“Ooooh yes, that was a good one, when was it again? Second year?”, asked James

“Third.”, you said

“Yeah thi- wait how do you know?”, Sirius quickly said confused

“Because I was the one covered in red and golden paint you moron!”, you shouted

“What?”

“Girls Bathrooms, in the dungeons. I got in perfectly fine and left drenched in Gryffindors colors, yay for house pride.”, you said amused

“Wait, how?”

“What was the prank?” Asked Lily confused

“We jinxed the bathroom stalls, but in the boys bathroom, thinking Malfoy and his friends would end up with our House colors.”, Remus replied

“How did you end up-”

“Red and Gold? I don’t know Sirius, maybe you jinxed the wrong bathroom.”, you said amused

“What did you do after?”, asked Lily, who was laughing now

“I ran to my dorm, but not before Rosier and his friends saw me. I was called “lion cub” for the rest of the year!”

You exclaimed making everyone laugh; everyone except for Sirius. Is it because of a stupid prank that you hated him? He remembers now how you would look at him with distaste when he mentioned his pranks to you. His eyes were serious and his voice strict as he called out your name.

“We need to talk, outside.” He stood up waiting for you to follow him, but was met with your confused stare “Please”.

You were leaning against the walls with your hands crossed in front of you, as Sirius paced nervously before asking.

“That stupid prank is the reason you hate me?”

“What? I- no”, you said

“It is, isn’t it? You’ve been mad at me all these years for an idiotic mistake I made at 14!”, he said annoyed

“I have not been mad, I was at the start yes, but I got over it that same year when Malfoy ratted on you and you had to clean out the hippogriff stalls.”, you replied with a sincere smile, that caused him to grin before he asked again.

“Then why do you hate me, still?”

“I don’t hate you, why would you think I hate you?”

“Have you seen the way you look at me; like I’ve Avadaed your whole family. And you never talk to me, and when you do you’re sarcastic, as if you hate my whole being, but you talk to everyone else just fine.”, he said finally letting it all out, leaving his stupid crush out of course.

You remained silent for a while, thinking about what he had said to you, and what you would say back, or rather how to say what you wanted to say.

“I, sorry. Sorry about third year and sorry about now, its fine I’ve had a weird week.”, he quickly said, feeling bad for laying it all on you and causing you to be uncomfortable. He made his way back to his dorm, but you were quick enough to catch his arm and stop him.

“No, wait. You are right, I do treat you like that, and I am sorry. I don’t hate you, though.”

“Then what is it?” he asked confused

“I- you can’t laugh at me.”

“Okay.”

“I like you.”, you said at first and then continued “It was a stupid crush at first, but then we talked and you were funny and interesting and I felt like an idiot for liking you because you are you-“

His laugh was what interrupted your speech. And in all honesty, he couldn’t stop himself, everything seemed so ridiculous then. How he pined over you, and how dramatic he was being all his time. And, you, you liked him and that piece of information felt like a huge weight off his chest. Now, everything made sense. Before he could tell you everything and confess his feelings your angry voice stopped him.

“You said you wouldn’t laugh.”, you exclaimed and starting walking away from him

“No wait you don’t understand.” He said running after you

“Sod off, now that I think about it, I do hate you”

“Wait!” He begged

“No, goodni-” you replied without looking at him, but suddenly his hand was wrapped around your wrist and then his lips were on yours.

“What?”, you let out confused as you parted from him

“Sorry I didn’t know how else to-” , he said breathless before you kissed him again, grabbing his tie and wrapping your arms around him this time. He closed his eyes, and let himself bury his fingers in your hair and waist, pulling you impossibly close to him. Not wanting to let go, ever. You both sighed as you stopped, because of your lungs begging for air. You smiled at eachother and he looped his arm around your shoulders as you two walked down the corridors.

“So you don’t hate me.”, he said softly

“No, and you, I take it, don’t hate me either.”, you replied with a smile and turned your head to rest at his shoulder.

“I tolerate you.” He joked and you raised your head and bumped into him with your shoulder. To which, he replied with a laugh and a soft kiss.

“I like you, incredibly much.”, he whispered to your lips.

You ended up underneath the tree by the lake, with your back to his chest and your hands intertwined.

“So, who smells like seasalt and old books, because I know I don’t.” He whispered in your hair

“It’s a bit early to start getting jealous isn’t it?” You grinned “I’ll tell you, when you tell me who smells like strawberry muffins.”

“Is it that Hufflepuff girl talking to you at that party last month, because you both should know; I don’t share.”, you joked and turned your head back to look at him. He laughed at that and kissed your forehead before saying.

“Alright darling, I’ll let mrs. Potter know."

“What?” You said and the realization caused you both to laugh.

"Old books, sea salt and your cologne. That’s what I smelled”, you confessed and he looped his arms around you, keeping you close, so close you could feel the beat of his heart.

“Want to go back?”, you whispered after a while

“No, not yet, I want you to myself, for a little bit more.”, he said as he closed his eyes and you hugged his arms before answering with a satisfied smile “You can have me for a lot longer than that.”

fin

feedback and criticism are welcome and needed 🖤

#sirius black x reader #sirius black x you #sirius black imagine #sirius black fluff #enemies to friends to lovers #idiots to lovers #remus being a constant mood #inspired by a Taylor swift song

896 notes · View notes

sopebubbles · 10 months

Text

Master List

Ten

Synopsis: in a world where alphas, betas, and omegas live along side modern humans as second class citizens, you've fallen through the cracks of a society that wants to take everything wonderful from you. Luckily a timely encounter with the boys just might save your life.

Chapter summary: Yoongi brings you home and makes you an offer you can't refuse.

Warnings: do not call the cops, I really did write this softness.

WC: 7.8k

You nuzzled your forehead against his chest and murmured back, "Alpha."

Yoongi's whole world stopped on a dime. He'd been called alpha by many people, but none of their acknowledgement felt as sweet as yours. He tucked you under his chin and marked the top of your head with his suddenly sweet tangerine scent. You breathed him in, finally feeling some comfort as your inner voice purred through your mind. Everything else was still and irrelevant for a long moment, until Jungkook came around the desk.

"Can I take her home now?" Yoongi asked over your head.

If it weren't for the gravity of the scene you'd all witnessed that night, Jungkook would have expressed unbridled pleasure in telling him yes. "She's free to go," he nodded.

You pulled away and swallowed as you looked up at Yoongi. "Is he…"

Yoongi lifted his hand to stroke your cheek. "He lost a lot of blood. He's getting a transfusion. I don't know what other trauma there might be, but when I left him, he was still alive."

He still wasn't sure if that was the desired outcome. If that alpha had hurt you, Yoongi might have preferred to let him bleed out in the street. But he also didn't want to see you suffer.

"I'm going to take you home," he added, and to his surprise, there was no sign of hesitation in your eyes, only exhaustion. You simply nodded. "When are you coming?" he asked, addressing Jungkook.

"I still have two more hours. We can talk then," Jungkook answered in a way that let Yoongi know there were important things for him to know.

He pushed it to the back of his mind for now in order to focus on you. He loosened his hold on your waist only to slide one hand up to your shoulder to keep you close and protected. Jungkook didn't like PDA in front of the other officers, even if he wasn't on duty, which everyone respected, so Yoongi merely gave him a smile and escorted you out of the station. He knew he should probably try to cover his feelings in the face of all that had happened, but sue him, he was thrilled to have you in his grasp again.

Yoongi unlocked and opened your door to help you in before he jogged around to his own side, making sure to look both ways before he got into the street. He got in the driver's seat and brought the engine to life, putting the heater on high since he noticed how you were still damp when you hugged him earlier and had only gotten more so since you walked out in the pouring rain, heavier now than it was earlier. He could curse Jungkook for not getting you into something dry earlier.

"Hold on a second. Stay there," he said softly as he popped the trunk and opened his door again. He reached into the back as heavy drops drummed against his raincoat. He found what he was looking for and tucked it under the flaps of his jacket until he got back in the cab, not wanting it to get wet. "Take off that sweatshirt," he instructed when he was beside you again.

"Oh," you mumbled before you pulled your arms in and pushed his hoodie over your head. "I'm sorry for taking it," you said as you handed it back.

Yoongi stopped you. "I'm not asking for it back. I want you to keep using it. It's just damp and cold, and I wanted you to have this blanket so you can warm up faster. It might be a while before we get home with all this rain."

It was dark inside the car. Even the street lights hardly illuminated his face, yet you were still able to lose yourself in the depths of his gentle black eyes. "Thanks," you said softly before pulling the blanket over your bare arms exposed by the tank top you had worn for bed.

Yoongi smiled to himself as he watched you admire it. That was meant to be a courting gift for you, and he guessed it still would be in a way, but he was just glad you liked it. He had bought it from a shop that made products especially for omegas' sensitive skin. When he finally forced himself to tear his eyes from you, he pulled out his phone to tell the pack that you were both heading to the house so that Hoseok could have your room ready. He and Jungkook had let them know about what happened as soon as they were able, but no one knew exactly if you would be coming to the house. Still, even though it was already the middle of the night, no one was sleeping.

All the things Yoongi had on his chest to say to you, that he had imagined saying to you for the last several weeks, couldn't be said tonight, which was for the best because within minutes of pulling away from the police station you were asleep in the seat next to him. He turned off the radio, not so he wouldn't disturb you but so he could listen to your steady breaths as he drove. He was taking you home at least, and asking to formally be your alpha was a conversation that could wait until you were well rested.

The front door of the house opened as soon as Yoongi's car pulled up, as if Jimin had been waiting in the window seat looking for him. You didn't stir when he turned off the car, so he climbed out quietly, holding a finger to his mouth to tell Jimin and the others to be quiet. He opened the door, and the cool air from outside made your face scrunch in discomfort, but it wasn't enough to wake you. He managed to get you unbuckled and you pulled the blanket closer to you as he lifted you bridal style from the passenger seat. With a simple utterance of his name, Jimin was bid to grab your things from the car and lock up. No one said a word to Yoongi as he carried you up the steps and through the front door that Jin held open. No one but him noticed the way you clung harder to him as you passed by the pack alpha.

He took you up the stairs and to the end of the hall to your room. Hoseok had prepared a small, cozy nest for you, and Yoongi deposited you directly in the center. He tried to take the blanket he had given you earlier from your body in favor of the ones Hoseok's offered, but you held on tight, refusing to give it to. Yoongi smiled a smug, tilted little smile, but it faded fast when he saw the bruises on your wrist. He resisted touching them to examine them more closely, but he could feel his blood begin to boil as a furious voice rang through his mind.

Who dared to put their hands on my omega?

Yoongi hoped that if it was that alpha then he would die slowly.

"Is she okay?" Jimin asked, stepping cautiously through the doorway as Yoongi tucked the blanket around you.

"She's out like a light, but we should talk outside," he replied, getting up to walk Jimin out and closing the door behind him.

The rest of the pack except Jungkook were all waiting in the hallway. Yoongi stood quietly for a long moment, not sure what to say or where to begin. He was such a mess of emotions. He could feel the pure joy of finally having you with him and accepting him, but it was significantly dampened by the events of the evening. Your exhaustion drained him too. Everyone's heavy stares didn't help, either, when he knew he didn't have any real answers to their questions. He wanted to know just as badly as they did. Instead of meeting their waiting stares, Yoongi sank to the floor and leaned against the doorframe. Hoseok took this as an invitation. "What happened?"

Yoongi rubbed his fingers into his tired eyes. "I don't have the full story. Jungkook said he'd have some information when he gets home." He sighed as he finally looked up at the five pairs of waiting eyes. "You all should get some sleep."

"So should you. You look exhausted, Yoongi," Jin told him.

"I'll stay here," Yoongi replied resolutely. Jimin sat on the floor beside him and scooted close to rest his head on the alpha's shoulder. "You should go get some sleep, Jimin. You have work tomorrow."

The beta shook his head. "I'll sleep here with you."

The others moved to get into the nest and Taehyung brought them a couple of pillows and blankets.

"Shouldn't we go in and cuddle with her? Is it okay to leave her alone?" Jimin asked softly after everything had gone quiet.

Yoongi shook his head as he brushed back Jimin's bangs. "Not tonight, love. Not until we've had a chance to talk through everything. She's been through so much, I don't want to traumatize her more by forcing something she's not ready for. We'll wait to be asked, okay?"

Jimin looked up softly at him and nodded. "Whatever you think is best, alpha."

Yoongi smiled down at him. "Try to sleep."

As Jimin dozed on his thigh, Yoongi tried to relax. You were safe now, physically at least, and that was a big improvement, which he tried to appreciate. But his alpha needed constant assurance that it was true. He wished you snored, just so he could hear it from the hallway. Instead, he opened the door every ten minutes or so, just to check that you were still sleeping peacefully.

When Jungkook came home an hour later, Yoongi was still wide awake. Jin and Hoseok too had been lying quietly in the dark while their younger mates slept. On a night like this, they wouldn't be able to sleep until Jungkook came back. When they heard him greet Yoongi in the hallway, they got up to join them. Jimin stirred slightly as Jungkook sat beside him.

Yoongi looked at him with eyes full of questions, not knowing where to start. "Is she in trouble?" He finally asked.

"If she were, she wouldn't be here with you, hyung," Jungkook answered somberly. "The driver was drunk. If he dies, they'll pin the blame there first."

"But she's sap," Yoongi mumbled, knowing how incongruous the legal system could be when Lykos were victims of Saps.

Jungkook sighed because he knew it, too. "And he's an alpha. It might not come to anything regardless."

Hoseok couldn't hold his concern anymore. "What happened, Jungkook?" He demanded.

Jungkook looked at Yoongi when he spoke. "Y/N was staying with her brother, Eli, and he kicked her out tonight. She didn't say why, but that's why she was out so late. While she was walking she ran into an alpha…h-her alpha. From before. He grabbed her and was trying to get her to come with him. She struggled with him and pushed him. That's when the car came and hit him."

"Hyung," Jimin whispered, laying his hand over Yoongi's fist where it was wrapped around Jimin's shirt. Yoongi loosened his fingers instinctively at the beta's soft tone, but his fingernails still pressed pink crescents into the palm of his other hand.

"I could have just left him there to bleed out," Yoongi breathed, staring into nothing.

"Don't do that to yourself, hyung," Jungkook replied. "You did your job. And if you hadn't she would be feeling guilty."

"He doesn't deserve to keep breathing."

"I know, Yoon, but it's not up to us," Jungkook soothed. "And even if he were dead, it wouldn't change all the things that have already happened."

"He'll never be allowed to touch her or hurt her again," Yoongi growled low.

"She has you now, Yoongi. That's what matters. You can protect her now," Hoseok assured him.

"I'm going to," he agreed, looking Jin in the eyes, "whatever it takes."

Jin nodded. "I'm not going to interfere," he promised. "Whatever you need to do, we'll support you. She's all yours."

"Do you think she'll stay?" Hoseok asked.

Yoongi shook his head. "I think so. I hope so. I'll do anything to make her not want to leave."

You felt surprisingly well rested when you woke up in the nest Hoseok had made for you. You hadn't even gotten a full night's sleep but what you got was uninterrupted. Was it the faint scents of the pack that kept you calm all night long? Or was it just the bone deep exhaustion and shock? It was the strength of Hoseok's warm brown sugar that let you know you were in their house despite the room being unfamiliar. They had moved, you remembered.

They moved without telling you for a reason.

You covered your head with the soft, fuzzy blanket on top of you and burrowed into the nest. After a minute, you forced yourself up. You didn't know what time it was or where you were, so you couldn't lie around all day. You'd have to get ready for work and pretend like this was any other day. Looking around the room, you noticed there's only one door, so the bathroom must be outside. On one side of the room stood a white armoire with mirrored doors and on the other side, a chest of drawers. The morning light filtered through the sheer curtains gave the walls a soft green glow. You thought briefly about laying back and going back to sleep, but you could hear noises in the house, so you forced yourself up.

When you opened the door, you found Yoongi sitting against the wall across from the room with a cup of coffee in his hand.

Alpha has been waiting.

You felt the urge to go to his side, to nuzzle him and brighten his tired, worried scent, but you held back. The restraint you lacked last night had returned even if your impulses felt the same. It was difficult though when he looked up at you with his feline eyes.

"How did you sleep?"

"Great, actually. I haven't slept that well in a really long time," you admitted.

"Hobi will be happy to hear that," he smiled.

"Did you sleep at all?" You wondered, looking at the bags under his eyes.

He gave you a sheepish smile before he got to his feet. "I have the day off. I'll be fine. I'm used to long nights. Do you want to sleep some more?"

You shook your head. "No, I'm fine. And I have to go to work. What time is it?"

Yoongi frowned and took out his phone. "It's a quarter to nine. What time do you have to work?"

"Ten."

Yoongi hesitated for a moment, as if he wasn't sure if he should say what he wanted next. "You don't have to go. You can call in sick. You had a big night last night and it's okay if you take some time to recover."

You shook your head slowly. "I want to have a normal day. Work is a good distraction."

You could see that he understood that logic, even if he didn't want to agree. He cleared his throat awkwardly. "Where do you work? I'll drive you."

"The library."

"Downtown?" You nodded and something seemed to distract him, but after a moment he shook it off, clearing his throat once more. "Go ahead and get ready, then come get something to eat before I take you."

You sensed those were each commands, not invitations, even if they were gently given. "I have cleaning clothes at work, but I don't have anything else. Do you know where my–your hoodie is?" You self consciously crossed your arms as your voice died in the realization that you were asking for something that didn't belong to you.

"Hobi is washing it, but I'll get you a different one for now," he offered and before you could even try to deny him giving you another article of clothing, he disappeared into an adjacent room. He came back a moment later with another thick sweatshirt, this one mustard yellow and smelling heavily of lavender and citrus. You thanked him quietly before heading into the bathroom across the hall.

When Yoongi got downstairs, Hobi was sitting at the table with a strange sort of smile on his face. The alpha eyed him suspiciously as he refilled his coffee cup.

"Out with it," Yoongi demanded after the omega did nothing but share back at him coyly.

Hoseok's smile widened and he leaned forward, sliding something across the table under his hand. "I found something when I was putting your hoodie in the wash just now."

Yoongi looked up with interest, licking his lips. He was curious but also nervous about what it could be. "What?"

Hoseok lifted his hands off the small, tattered cardstock that carried Jimin's contact information. "It looks like she's been keeping it close."

Yoongi picked up the worn business card and held it like a delicate treasure. He turned it over to see Jimin's familiar handwriting and studied the edges where you had spent hours contemplating making contact.

"I don't think she forgot about you at all. I think she might've wanted to come, but was too scared."

Yoongi frowned. "I wish she hadn't been so scared."

"It doesn't matter anymore, Yoongi. Show her she doesn't have to be afraid again. Everything is good now."

"I still have to ask her to stay. I want to do it today. I don't want to waste time and risk losing her again," Yoongi said softly. Hoseok gave Yoongi's hand a reassuring squeeze and held it there for a minute until you came down the stairs and found your way to the kitchen.

Both of them perked up as soon as they saw you.

"Do you want some coffee?" Hoseok asked, standing up.

"No…thanks. It makes me jittery," you answered timidly before you turned your eyes on Yoongi. He didn't know quite how to describe the way he felt when you looked at him. It seemed cliche to say that time slowed and everything else seemed to fade, but that's how he was feeling, looking and seeing nothing but you swallowed up by his big yellow hoodie, already looking claimed. "Is something wrong?" You asked, following his eyes down to your body.

Yoongi shook his head. "That color looks nice on you," he said through the lump in his throat.

You let out a surprised 'oh' and wrapped your fists around the long ends of the sleeves. Yoongi pulled out a chair beside him and did his best not to stare at you, but it wasn't easy.

"I can make you some breakfast," Hoseok offered, hovering awkwardly without anywhere to go.

Yoongi cut you off before you could eke out a refusal. "You should have something," he urged softly.

"I can make you eggs or just toast…" Both men followed your eyes up to the top of the refrigerator.

"Are those…cocoa puffs?" You asked with a small, cute smile.

"Yeah, Taehyung likes to believe he's still a child sometimes," Hoseok replied with an endeared smile. "Do you like them too?"

You shrugged. "I've never had them."

"Really?"

"My mother didn't really let us eat sugar. Especially not chocolate for breakfast," you admitted.

"Then you should try them." The omega reached for them and gathered the other things you would need.

You turned your head to look at Yoongi and he thought he saw you asking for his approval with your eyes. He shrugged. "It's something," he answered with the same smile Hobi had before. He puts a bowl, milk, spoon and the box of cereal in front of you for you to serve yourself. Neither of them seem to be able to tear their eyes away from the innocent smile you can't even hide as you assemble your breakfast. They remain silent as you eat.

"What do you plan to do today?" Hoseok asked as you slurped down the sweetened milk in your bowl. He didn't bother to ask if you liked it since it was obvious in the way you ate.

"Yoongi is going to take me to work," you answered. When you looked at the man in question he was chuckling almost silently, his eyes focused on your lips. You felt your cheeks heat and wiped the milk mustache with the back of your sleeve.

Hobi's face twisted. "Why do you want to go to work? You could stay here and work with me!"

You shrugged. "It's kind of nice to work. It's nice to get out of the house. And I need the money."

"You don't need money. That's what alphas are for," Hoseok laughed lightheartedly.

Yoongi watched you squirm and wondered which part of the omegas remarks unsettled you. You got quiet, and he would've paid you a day's wages for you to tell him what was on your mind. He hoped that some day soon he would be able to just ask you what you were thinking and expect you to answer him honestly. At the moment he was afraid of saying too many things and spooking you before he and Jimin could both talk to you in the afternoon, as they'd discussed.

When the silence stretched into an awkward one, you hopped out of your chair and took your dish to the sink, refusing Hoseok's attempts to tell you not to.

"You haven't taken your eyes off her once since she walked into the room. I don't even think you've blinked," Hoseok remarked in a whisper.

"I can't help it. I literally don't think I can stop looking at her." The urge to watch everything you did was overwhelming. He noted the way you moved quickly, anxiously from one activity to the next, the way your eyes scanned your surroundings. He cataloged your little nervous ticks, like how you bit your lip or picked your nails without noticing. He observed the way you seemed to stare into space when choices were presented to you and then went silent, disappearing into yourself. he needed to see everything so he could unpick you like a knot, so that someday he would be able to look at you and know what you were thinking and give you what you needed before you could ask. He needed to know how to be your alpha, not just a good one.

"Are you ready to go?" You asked Yoongi after you'd washed not just your dish, but the others that were waiting in the sink as well. He simply nodded and gestured for you to lead the way to the front door so that he could continue to keep his eye on you. Would he ever feel secure enough to give you his back?

You went out to find Yoongi's car parked by the curb. It was a vintage Impala, the kind with the bench seats. Yoongi wasn't huge into cars, but this one had been left to him by his grandfather and he was determined to take good care of it. It also had the advantage of seating seven, when Jimin sat in someone's lap. He opened the door for you, thinking how easily you would fit in any of his packmates' laps, but he didn't know if you would be willing. The doubt was crushing him.

"How long have you been working at the library?" Yoongi asked as he drove, trying to fill the silence but also genuinely curious to know what was happening in your life.

"Since the day after I went to see Jimin," you admitted softly. "So almost a month."

"Do you like it?"

You nodded meekly. "Most of the time it's nice. I like cleaning. Some days are not so great, but all jobs suck sometimes."

Yoongi nodded in agreement. "I'm glad Jimin was able to help you. It's good you went to him."

"Did he tell you?"

"Of course."

"Oh."

"Hobi found Jimin's card in your pocket. Why did you hold onto it?" That card was in his own pocket now, tucked safely away in his wallet, and he'd hold onto it at least as long.

You shrug. "I thought about calling him a lot. I almost did, a couple of times. I just…I didn't want to bother him."

"We wouldn't have minded."

You turned your head to look at him. "We?"

"Jimin and I are kind of…a set."

"I thought your whole pack was a set?" You wondered.

"Yeah, but it can be split into pieces. Jimin is mine though. We have to be taken together."

You looked out the window to your right as he continued to drive and once again he wished he would just ask what was on your mind, but he didn't. When he pulled into a parking spot in front of the library you quickly moved to get out even though there were still ten minutes before the start of your shift, but then you paused. Yoongi followed your gaze to a man standing in front of the library.

"Who is that?" He asked urgently.

You swallowed. "That's my brother."

"Eli?" You looked at him, surprised at first but then the understanding that Jungkook must have told him dawned on you and you nodded. Yoongi's eyes softened on you. "What happened? I mean, why did he kick you out all the sudden?"

You began to pick at your cuticles with your nails as you explained. "I was staying with him and his fiance. She doesn't like Lykos, so he told me I had to pretend. I tried, but yesterday I just felt like shit and I tried to nest, but she found out, and everything fell apart so fast."

"You made a nest?" Yoongi asked softly, his whole chest warming at the thought.

"Yeah, it was stupid."

Yoongi put his hand over both of yours and stopped your fidgeting. "It wasn't stupid. Your instincts told you what to do to feel better and you followed them. That's so good of you. It's sick that they wouldn't want that for you. They're wrong, not you."

You looked up at him and tried to blink back the moisture in your eyes. "I'll help you with Eli. What do you think he wants?"

You shrugged. "If she kicked him out, he might be here to yell at me."

Yoongi looked puzzled. "Why would she…is he Lykos too?"

"He's a beta."

Yoongi looked thoughtful for a moment. "What do you want to do?" When you looked confused he elaborated. "Do you want to talk things out with him? Or would you rather have him out of your life?"

He watched your face as you thought it over silently. It seemed as though you were wrestling with various thoughts, only to utter, "he's my brother."

"I know that, but people who hurt you don't deserve a spot in your future just because they were a part of your past. If you never want to see him again, I'll make sure of it."

You gasped softly and raised your eyebrows. Yoongi chuckled, "not like that! I just mean I will protect you from him and make sure he doesn’t bother you again."

"Why?" You wondered innocently.

You'd forgotten his hand was holding yours until he gave them a squeeze. "Because your future safety and happiness are important to me."

It took a moment for the shock of his sincerity to clear from your eyes but when you did you answered, "yes, I think I'd like that. To have him out of my life, I mean."

"Lets go talk to him then," Yoongi agreed with a small smile.

You both got out of the car and Yoongi told you to stay behind him as you approached your brother. You did as he said, only peeking at Eli from around Yoongi's arm.

"Y/N, are you okay?" Eli asked, trying very hard to look at you and not the alpha in front of you.

"Do you even care?" You asked in return.

"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't want to throw you out last night but I had no choice. It's my life. You have to understand," he pleaded.

"If you want to protect it so badly then I don't know why you brought me into it," you spat back. "You could have left me alone if that was how it was going to end. I told you I don't need you and I meant it."

"Maybe you're right. I was just trying to be nice. You're still my little sister."

You shrank to hide yourself more behind Yoongi and he took his cue. "Not anymore. She doesn't want to see you again. Just stay away from her," he said evenly, with no obvious threat, but his seriousness was evident.

"Who even are you?" Eli scoffed.

Yoongi glanced back at you briefly. He wished he could say he was your alpha, but he didn't have that authority. Not officially. "I'm just helping her. So she doesn't need you in her life anymore. Please leave."

Eli shook his head. "Are you the alpha she went looking for last week who wasn't there? Is that how you're helping her? By disappearing?" Eli smirked at the slight flinch of Yoongi's upper lip. "At least you're real. I half thought she made the whole thing up."

Yoongi felt you lean into his back and stood firmer. "You don't need to worry about it. Just go."

"Fine. I honestly don't fucking care. I just came to bring her stuff. If she wants to act like a dog, that's on her." Eli shoved your bag into Yoongi's chest, and only that and you behind him kept him from throwing a punch.

"I hope she throws you out, too," Yoongi called to Eli's back as he walked away. "Asshole," he muttered before turning to you. "You okay?" You nodded and reached for the bag, but he held onto it. "Get to work. I'll keep it for you and pick you up after work."

You looked at him strangely, but didn't refuse, simply turned and walked into the library, giving him one last look over your shoulder before you disappeared through the automatic doors.

When you got to the custodian's closet, you quickly changed into the set of clothes you left there and then gathered your things to begin your work. You made the rounds to all the bathrooms to make sure they were full of toilet paper and soap before you went to check the trash cans. You didn't think you were going to find Yoongi in the graphic novels section.

"Are you going to stay here all day?" You asked in a whisper as you wiped the table he was at.

Yoongi looked up at you from the manga he had picked off the shelf. "One of the great things about the library is that it's one of the last places on earth that you're allowed to loiter."

He had you there. That's why so many homeless people spent the day there. "You plan to loiter for six hours? Don't you have work?"

"Nope. I'm off until tomorrow. But I won't stay all day if it makes you uncomfortable. I just wanted to see what it was like where you work. I'll leave in a bit."

You shrugged. "It's a free country."

"What kinds of books does Jin get when he comes here?" Yoongi wondered, turning the page as if the question meant nothing.

Your eyes widened at the abruptness of the question, but you thought carefully. "I've never seen him check out any books. He's usually over in the dvds until he goes to meet up with the other one."

Yoongi smirked. "Namjoon." You nodded as if you knew that. "And what kind of books did Namjoon get?"

Again you thought it over before you answered. "He's usually in the fiction section, unless he's over in the 800s."

"Poetry," Yoongi supplied.

"I guess. Why do you ask?"

"Just curious. How many times have you seen them here?"

"Two or three times. Namjoon came once without Jin."

"Did you ever talk to them?" You shook your head emphatically. "Why not?" You ducked your head, avoiding his eyes. "What is it?" He pushed.

"They're…scary. They're so big and mean looking," you admitted very softly.

"And I'm not scary?"

"Not the same."

"Why?" He smirked.

"Because you don't look like you could kill me by accident."

His smirk fell into a frown and he swallowed the quickly forming lump in his throat. "They wouldn't either. Namjoon is big and clumsy sometimes, but he's just a giant puppy. He's harmless."

"And I'm an ant next to him," you pouted. The sight seemed to amuse him and you didn't know why that made your stomach flutter.

"Do you believe I would protect you from him, if you ever needed me to?" Yoongi asked carefully.

You considered it for a moment. Namjoon was part of his pack. They'd known each other for years before you came along. And yet somehow you knew to your core that there wasn't anything Yoongi wouldn't protect you from, even if that was himself. "Yes. I believe that."

"Good," he replied, seeming satisfied. "I will leave and let you work in peace. What time do you get off?"

"Four," you answered without hesitation.��

"Then I'll be outside at four o'clock," he said, smiling as he walked away.

Yoongi went back to the house to help Hobi make some adjustments so you would be more comfortable. He still hasn't cleared things up with you, but he felt hopeful. And restless. Hobi suggested he take a nap but he couldn't even close his eyes. So in the afternoon he decided to go to the shelter to play basketball with the teens and burn off some of the energy. It half way worked, in so far as he made himself tired, but not much less anxious for four o'clock. When the time came, Jimin left work early with him to go pick you up.

You honestly didn't expect him to be there when you got out of work, but he was parked in exactly the same spot as before. You wondered if he'd been there all day until you got in the passenger seat. You were surprised to see Jimin, and by the fact that citrus could smell so heady, but the exercise had managed to make Yoongi's scent thick and rich. You could taste it.

"Hi, Jimin," you greeted timidly. "What are you doing here?"

Jimin cleared his throat and draped his arms over the back of the seat between you and Yoongi. "Yoongi and I have a proposal for you. If you accept it, then we'll take you home. If not, then we'll take you anywhere else you want to go."

You looked at Yoongi, who was nervously biting his chapped lower lip, and swallowed. "What's your proposal?"

"Well, that's just it," Yoongi replied. "We want to court you."

"Court me?" You asked in confusion. You had heard the words before, but it held no concrete meaning for you. The word meant different things in the Sapien and Lykos worlds, but you got them muddled since they'd never meant much to you. "Like date me?"

"Not exactly. I mean, we can go on dates, but it's more than that," Yoongi began to explain.

"Didn't your last pack court you?" Jimin wondered.

You shook your head. "Not really. I don't know. They took me in off the streets and the next thing I knew, I just…belonged to them."

Yoongi took a deep breath to soothe the anger flaring in his chest. He wanted, needed to get into all the ways your previous pack—if you could even really can them that—had gotten it wrong, but that wasn't what he needed to communicate at the moment.

"What we mean, Y/N, is that we want you to be a part of our pack. We want to be yours as much as you would be ours," he said carefully.

"Oh," you breathed, picking at your fingernails.

You know it will be like last time.

It won't. I trust Yoongi.

It's dangerous. Listen to me for once, please. Do you want to end up at another alpha's mercy? I thought you were done with that. Are you ready for heats and ruts and being breed senseless again?

"I don't think I can do that," you admitted softly.

"Why not?" Yoongi asked without inflection, as if he wasn't terribly interested in the answer although he was burning with the need to know.

You turned your face away from them and shrank in your seat. "I know what you want from me, but I can't give it to you. Please don't ask me to." The tears in your voice broke Yoongi's heart. He wanted to reach out for you, but he knew he shouldn't.

"What do you think we want from you, princess? We haven't told you yet."

You wiped some of the moisture away from your eyes and made your voice firm, even if you still couldn't look at him. "I can't give you pups and I can't do the heats and ruts. It's too hard for me, okay? So find someone else."

Yoongi's intake of breath managed to sound both disappointed and insulted, but Jimin spoke before he could. "Yn, that isn't what we want from you. Where would you get an idea like that?"

"I know Hoseok is struggling to have a baby. But you can't use me. Please, don't use me. I can't do it." There were thick tears coming down your cheeks now and Yoongi was going to lose his mind.

"This is not how I thought this was going to go," Yoongi groaned. You looked at him with despair, and he honestly didn't know what to do except pull you closer to him across the seat. He wiped your cheeks even as you faced him with fear. "Yn, no one is going to breed you. Especially not me. I'd kill them if they even thought of it."

You hiccupped, trying not to sob. "Then what do you want?"

"Silly girl, we want to take care of you. Would love to take you home and keep you in the house where nothing could ever hurt you again. But mostly I just want to be your alpha and know that at least I have the right to stand between you and everyone else in the world. That's all I want." His hands held your face still as you stared dumbly into his eyes.

"That's it?"

"There are a few details to be spelled out, but essentially, yes." Jimin answered. 'We want you to be our omega because we want you to be protected and taken care of."

"What's the catch?"

"There's no catch," Yoongi whispered.

Doesn't make sense. You're a shit omega, why you?

"But why me?"

"Because everything in your life up to this point has been wrong, and I'm here to put an end to that," Yoongi said confidently.

"And because it's fate," Jimin added.

"Fate?" You questioned. When had fate ever been kind to you?

"Don't worry about that," Yoongi mumbled.

"Well…what would I have to do? To be your omega?" You hedged. "And what about the rest of the pack? I doubt they want someone like me."

Yoongi shook his head. "The rest of the pack isn't important right now. This is me and Jimin. Not because they don't want you. They're more than willing to accept you, but I think that might be a bit much for you. I want you to learn to trust me, first. If it would make you more comfortable, we can even get our own place so it's just the three of us."

"But–" you bit your tongue. Yoongi raised an eyebrow. "What about Hoseok?"

Yoongi smiled softly. "Hoseok has spent weeks preparing your room at the house. He wants you as much as we do."

"I went to your old house," you admitted quietly.

Yoongi felt his heart skip and then race. "When?"

"Last week. The day I ran into Eli. He wanted to drive me home and instead of taking him to the shelter at first I took him to your old house and saw the sold sign." The embarrassment still burned.

Yoongi's thoughts turned almost violent, but he quelled them. "I'm sorry. I wish more than anything that we had been there."

"I figured you did it on purpose because you wanted to hide from me, so I couldn't find you."

"That will never be the case, Y/N. I promise, from now on you'll always know where to find us," Jimin vowed.

You sniffled. "Tell me, then. What are the details?"

"For starters," Yoongi reached into the back seat and pulled out the bottle of heat suppressants from your bag. "You have to stop these."

"But you said–"

Yoongi held up a hand. "I meant want I said. No one is going to try to breed you. If you don't want to mate in or out of heats and ruts, that's fine. If you're worried about becoming pregnant, there are other forms of birth control you can try. But these things are literally killing you. They just published an article last week about heat suppressants being linked to cancer. I won't let that happen to you."

You frowned. "It's the heats that I can't stand though. They…I don't know how to say it. They hurt me. I don't like them."

Yoongi's face matched yours as he reached for your hand. "We'll help you. Hoseok will help you. We'll find a way to make them better until they don't hurt so much anymore. But I can't let you do something I know will hurt worse in the long run."

"Fine," you nodded. "What else?"

"I need to know where you are at all times. You don't leave the house alone or come home alone. Someone will take you and pick you up from work. Whenever possible, Jimin or I will be there with you, but it could also be Tae or Jungkook."

"You're not going to tell me not to work?"

"No," Yoongi sighed. "I don't love the idea of you being out of the house so much, but I won't lock you up either. I hope that eventually you'll see that I can provide enough for you that you don't have to work, but I'm not worried about it now. But that's another point. You have to allow me to provide for you. It's my duty and my pleasure."

You shook your head slightly. "I don't want to be a burden. Your pack is already big and I don't want to be another mouth to feed without helping out."

Jimin scoffed. "You will never be a burden. We have plenty to share. That's the whole point of having four alphas, doll."

You sighed. That wouldn't be an easy concept to adjust to but you'd give it time. "Fine. What else?"

"I need you to be honest with me. I know you have a lot of scary things in your past. I will probably mess up as your alpha, but if I do something that hurts you or scares you, it will always be unintentional. I need you to be open and specific about your triggers so that I can be a good alpha to you."

"Okay," you nod.

"There's something else that I want to help you with," Jimin interjected. You turned your head to look at him. "No one will ever force you to have sex or anything that doesn't make you feel good. But you need physical touch. It's an important part of health for Lykos. Cuddling, touching, scent marking, they've all been proven to increase overall well being."

"We also think that's why you're so tiny. I'm guessing you didn't get held much as a child," Yoongi added. You confirmed his thoughts with a shake of your head. "Growing up without a pack or in neglect has been shown to lead to smaller sizes. That's why Jimin and I are smaller than the others, too."

"I like that you're smaller," you murmured.

"You do?" Jimin had always felt insecure about his size since many people thought he was an omega at first glance. You nodded.

"She thinks we're less deadly than Namjoon," Yoongi smiled.

"That guy? He won't even kill spiders." Jimin laughed. You weren't sure if you'd ever heard him laugh before, but it was a lovely sound. It made Yoongi smile a gummy smile that took the weight off your chest.

"I guess those things sound okay. I don't really know what you want, but I trust you."

That sentence made Yoongi's smile stick. "Is there anything you want from us?"

You shrugged. "I don't really know what to expect from packmates, so I don't know."

"Then you'll just have to let us know if there's something you don't like or that makes you uncomfortable. Can you do that?" Jimin asked, and you nodded.

"Are you ready to go home then?" Yoongi asked.

"Wait. What about your other packmates?"

Yoongi pursed his lips. "For now, just think of them as people we live with. They won't have the same privileges as Jimin and I do. You don't have to do anything for or with them if you don't want to. Hopefully, in time, you'll all become more comfortable with each other."

"And if we don't?" You questioned.

They'll just toss you out like always.

"Then we'll move. If the eight of us can't blend, then we will separate. It will be you, me and Jimin, no matter what," Yoongi promised.

"Why would you do that for me?"

"Because you're a part of us now. We won't lose you. They can take care of each other, but you need us, and I've never wanted anything in my life as much as I want to take care of you," he admitted.

You absorbed his words. They didn't feel right at first, chafing against the belief that you could take care of yourself. But you'd already realized weeks ago that wasn't really working. You did need him, as much as you hated to admit it. But he did seem like the perfect alpha for you. "Okay, then. Take me home."

Jimin and Yoongi smiled at each other and then at you. The alpha started up the engine while Jimin got out and came to the front seat. He pulled you into his side and you could feel his warmth and let it move through you as you finally set off for home.

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darkdevasofdestruction · 10 months

Text

Being in a relationship with Enki Ankarian...

Being born with the Enlightened Soul, Enki was cursed and blessed with a restless need to constantly seek for new knowledge and secrets hidden away from the massive community of common folk. Such a trait had started manifesting within him at a very young age, as he was chosen to become a Dark Priest upon his and his twin sister’s birth.

Despite their rather close relationship, they were pitted against each other, typical to such occult rites, and had to fight to death with ritual daggers. Unfortunately for him, Enki was born with a frail body, that only remained fragile due to his extensive overindulging in studying, and lack of going outside or doing any kind of physical activities - Thus, his sister easily overpowered him, her dagger on his neck, waiting for the final blow.

She, however, showed mercy that he was incapable of, and withdrew her dagger, stepping away, as the high priest masters glared gleefully at the ridiculously pitiful event unfolding before their very eyes.

Unable to accept defeat, Enki rose from the ground, as soon as his sister’s back was carelessly turned to him, and he stroke his dagger to her spine, watching with cold, empty eyes as she collapsed to the ground. The high priests seemed especially pleased with this and prepared for his ascension ceremony, where he resurrected his deceased sister into a ghoul, using the newly acquired skill of Necromancy.

The cold, blank corpse of his sister brought a smile of satisfaction and accomplishment on his otherwise emotionless, pale face.

After his ascension to Dark Priesthood, he left the temple grounds to learn occult on his own, in a dark pilgrimage. He began praying to Gro-Goroth as he began dedicating his studies to the knowledge of Old-Gods.

Enki travelled across the Western continent, learning about different Gods, deities, blood magic and all known sciences. His studies didn’t come without their merit, as he was rightfully acknowledged by the top scholars of modern times, being granted a pass to the great libraries of the Kingdom of Rondon, having the collection of all known history and science at his grasp.

During his intensive research, drowning in a copious amount of piles of books and paintings, swimming in an endless ocean of knowledge, when suddenly, he felt compelled to raise his head, for a single split second - But that was enough to feast his eyes on the radiant presence of a woman that seemed to glow with such an aura that was unfamiliar to Enki.

For some reason, this human made Enki want to approach her, to delight himself with that Sun-like warmth and gentleness, and never let go. His brain had gone hay-wire for that exact single second, and he imagined her Ascension, defeating even Alll-mer in influence and radiance, for she would be worthy of worship far and wide, a single Goddess above them all, be them New or Old alike.

Ha! What a fool he’s been, allowing himself to fall prey to a woman’s charm, as if he is alike any of those petty mundane wretches, much beneath them. Surely, there was nothing that she had, except for a pretty face, and long soft locks, and a dress so beautiful and embellished with rich ornaments and golden thread embroidery... And there he goes again, losing time with meaningless thoughts!

O, and how he wished she would stop living rent-free inside his head, just so he could return to his endless studying already... Alas, that woman was gracefully sitting on a velvety chair by the dimly lit window, adopting a relaxed yet incredibly elegant pose as she began reading some kind of large, dusty tome, so old that it was almost ripping apart at the seams.

Such negligence - She might her slender, delicate fingers, but surely, there was no way an uneducated idiot like herself would be able to handle such a frail book!

Fuming, he didn’t quite realise he came up with an unlikely scenario, just to have a reason to march up in front of the beauty and speak to her - Surely, if he was to approach her with his usual misanthropy, she would be compelled to hate him and would avoid him at all costs - What a brilliant plan!

“What do you think you’re doing, you brain dead vermin?! Books like this one are supposed to be handled with intensive care!” in his makeshift rage, he tried to look away from that adorably confused face of hers, or those glowing doe eyes, looking up into his dead eyes with such radiant vitality. He grabbed at her hands, and almost shivered lightly at how soft and soft they were, compared to his skeletal-like cold and clammy ones.

“Oh, forgive me, Sir, I meant no harm.” her voice was so princess-like, compared to his gruff voice, rough from lack of speaking, that he almost felt his whole body caressed with honeyed mead. “You see, I often come to these libraries and rehabilitate old tomes like this one. I either sew protective covers over them, or try to re-write them, so that more copies would be available for people to read. There have been numerous cases of books being destroyed or going missing, and there was no way of retrieving the lost knowledge.” that sweet smile applied some colour to his otherwise ghost-white face, and for the first time in his life, Enki felt his heart pounding in his chest, harder than that time when his sister almost killed him.

Slowly, Enki let go of her hands and peered down at the book’s covers - Indeed, the seaming was freshly done, and the gold thread was adequately holding together the hardboiled leather. Even the inscription of the title was masterfully done, so much so that he found no defect to complain about or scold her for. Which meant, he also had no other reason to keep in contact or speak with this woman - So what was he supposed to do?! He had no clue how to react in such a difficult social dilemma.

“I am glad that there are more attentive people like yourself, with a genuinely love for knowledge and books!” she chirped softly, radiating with kindness and warmth. “If there were more people like yourself, it would be so much easier to preserve all this precious fountain of knowledge and allow a wider range of people to access it.” “You’re delusional.” contrary to what he was truly thinking, Enki grumbled under his breath, the corner of his mouth turning upwards in a disgusted sneer. “You wouldn’t be the first to call me that!” her giggle seemed as tender as an angel’s embrace. “It’s quite alright though! I just do what I like to do, and if people can benefit from my work, then all the best!” he was speechless, from a variety of reasons. “Are you quite alright, Sir? You seem unusually pale. Are you feeling ill?” at the same time that the beauty reached out her hands to cup his cold face and feel him up, Enki’s eyes widened like a dead fish’s, and he violently retracted away from her touch, as though he was terrified of getting burnt by her Sun-like warmth. Not only that, but the tome from her lap fell to the ground with a thud and a large cloud of dust, which ultimately made them both cough. “I’m fine. Mind your own business, woman.” he grunted in between coughs, crouching down to get the book - Only to feel her hand underneath his own - Was it fate, that such a continuous string of intimate coincidences keep happening? Was he supposed to meet her? Was there truly a red string of destiny wrapped around them both, pulling them together? “Oh, forgive me, Sir.” she smiled softly at him, waiting for him to remove his larger hand from on top of hers. He didn’t, captivated and lost in her eyes. “You may take the book at home for studying, if you’d like. I can guarantee for you. You seem like a man who truly treasures knowledge and books.” “Stop calling me Sir, it’s annoying. Enki Ankarian.” he grumbled, snatching away his hand from over hers, before cradling the tome to his chest, as though it’s his most cherished possession. “It is lovely meeting you, Mr. Ankarian.” the glare she received made her offer a sheepish grin. “Uh... Mr. Enki?” the glare got harsher. “Enki...?” his glare dissipated, replaced once again by a blank stare, and a weird sense of relief and content washed over him. “My name is Y/N. You must be having an Enlightened Soul, right?” Enki rose a questioning eyebrow - Was it truly that evident, even to somehow he just met for the first time? Still, he grunted a positive answer. “No wonder - Then, I have all the more reason to trust you with borrowing books from our library.” Enki couldn’t help but pick up on the odd choice of a possessive pronoun. “Good to know.” he mumbled under his breath. “Whose library is it?” “Loosely speaking, it belongs to the Kingdom of Rondon, but it was my family who founded it, long ago, and we’ve kept taking care of it, having scholars, maesters and priests over, leaving imprints of their knowledge here and what not.” the way she was speaking of her family and the library seemed to make her exceedingly proud and happy. “Do you have a Radiating Soul or what?!” Enki found himself blurting out without as much as any bit of consideration or a normal, social filter. But the woman before him didn’t seem to mind it, nor was she seemingly bothered by it at all. For a delicate damsel like herself, she seemed to be tanking his brashness and rudeness with an impenetrable shield of white light. “Oh, yes, you are correct! As expected of someone bright like yourself!” she seemed to be bubbling over with glee. No wonder he was immediately attracted to her, from the second she entered the room. People like her were born to have tons of people flocking around her like moths to the flame. How annoying.

Enki couldn’t help but glare at the woman before him, smiling so brightly, as though she’s never even heard of the horrors of the world, let alone experience them; A creature so pure, that the glimmers of hope sparkle all around them. This woman was the perfect opposite of him, so much so that he almost felt afraid of being anywhere near her. What was he supposed to do? What was he supposed to say? Such a situation went much over the parameters of his abilities and skills.

“Will I see you around tomorrow also?” Enki’s breath hitched in his throat and his heart stopped beating, as soon as he heard that God forsaken question. “I have to return the book, don’t I?” he found himself successfully grunting a satisfactory answer. “Wonderful!” she chimed happily. “Then, it is time for me to return home and bake some cookies!” with his eyes bulging out of his sockets, and his jaw slightly agape, Enki felt his throat dry, wondering - What the hell has he gotten himself into?

From then on, almost on a daily basis, Enki would spent day in and day out at the libraries of Rondon, accompanied by that annoyingly beautiful woman, who captured his dead heart in such a weird way.

You would bring over trays of snacks and cookies she made, along with tea, coffee, with small recipients with milk and honey for sweetening - Of course, you would drink the sweetest beverages, whilst he liked them black and bitter - And he has to admit, everything you made, was out of this world delicious.

His skin even started getting some colour, and his body wasn’t as skeletal-skinny, due to being unconsciously taken care of, to the point that you even invited him over at your rather lavish house, where he’d eventually move in, without much protest.

Years later, he still isn’t quite sure how the hell did he end up moving in so quickly and effortlessly - It all felt incredibly natural, and he didn’t even realise what had happened, until it was too late, and he had slept over in his own dormitory for over a month. It was a comfortable life he was living, with no restrictions about studying, nor the need to work ; Though, in a way, he did feel as though he was taking advantage of your kindness, which irked him enough into thinking of way to compensate you in some way.

Realising there was nothing that he owned, which he could offer you, he proposed to teach you offensive magic. He knew well enough that you were safe and sound in Rondon, and you were well versed in the healing arts to begin with, but there comes no harm in having ways to defend yourself, correct? His sister should have been taught that lesson sooner.

With unexpected patience, Enki would put you closer to him on the sofa, with a book on his lap and an arm around your waist, reading to you whatever he was interested in at that moment, and would explain everything in great detail, making sure you understand everything there is of interest about that said topic.

And when it comes to practicing blood magic of any kind, he will have you practicing, in a safe environment, on wooden dummies. Hell, he was impressed by how easily you picked up on his teachings, that he even muttered out a bit of praise! Wonderous achievement!

Enki finds great comfort in brushing your hair, and would take all the time in the world just playing with those soft locks, even idly braiding it or twisting it around, as a means of relaxing or de-stressing.

At some point, during the hotter times of the year, he would begrudgingly allow you to also braid his hair and style it in a bun - You wear the same hairstyles more often than not - Mostly at home though, where there’s no one else to see.

When he gets frustrated, he would absent-mindedly doodle random runes or symbols all over your hand or arm, before going out into the cold rain to cool himself and start over whatever he project he was working on.

Though he always hisses like a cat, he loves it when you kiss his cheeks or forehead whenever you pass by his study desk. He loves your touch more than he’d like to admit, and he loves the way your plump, soft lips feel against his own, capable of pulling him out of this world - But what he loves more than anything, is how small you feel in his embrace, as you cuddle or hug - There is no words being said, only swimming in the love and bliss, feeling each other’s heartbeat, reveling in each other’s warmth.

When you get intimate, he’ll always stay above you, cradling your head and peppering your face with tons of lingering kisses, going down to your jaw and neck. Every sound you make, every twitch of your body, only drive him crazy. He’ll take his time with you, slow and steady, long strokes, until you see stars before your eyes, and him in the center of your world. If you try to look away as you climax, he’ll lightly tug on your hair, inching your face to make you look at him and only him as you come undone in his arms.

He might not admit to it, and he’ll never ever admit to it, not even to himself, but he loves you as much as he loves studying. On the days you’re going out together, strolling through the busy cobbled streets of Rondon, he will keep his arm around your waist, glaring at anyone who’d dare look at you - And with your Radiant Soul, there were plenty of people attracted to you. No one could get anywhere close to his little angel.

Though he found himself happiest and most comfortable living with you, his studies were never neglected, to the point that he found himself despairing for having nothing more that he can learn - This empty husk, limited to the Earthly, can only get him so far. He had reached the limits of any human can achieve, and all because of his Enlightened Soul, he was unable to find any means of keeping himself under control. He was going crazy, and there was nothing even you could do, even suggesting going traveling abroad, that could calm him down from his insanity.

There was no satisfaction, nor fulfilment that he could get. He allowed the Dark Priests to crucify him on the statue, naked, in the middle of the city, ready to be taken to the other world by Alll-mer. There was no silver lining waiting at the end; The purpose of all humans was to liver under the cold sun that the Gods have set above them all.

Just as the Priests were ready to sacrifice him, Enki saw a vision - He wasn’t sure if it was your desperate visage that gave him new thirst for living, guilty of breaking your heart, or that mysterious thing flashing in the corner of his eyes - Whichever the case, he understood his new purpose, and was ready to start anew, to flip a new chapter in this agonising life.

Once the Priests brought him down, you immediately ran up to him, wrapping him up in a blanket to keep his cold, clammy skin warm. You were ready to bring him home, cook him a warm meal, bring him a hot tea - But he was far too excited about this new prophecy that he was shown, this revelation that foretold a man meant for greatness, who will begin a new era for mankind - Why would he share the spotlight of the Gods with any mortal man, anyway?

Prophecies are only for those who are weak enough to bend to their sorry fates. Enki was hell-bent on finding this man and learning more about him and this so-called destiny of his. As far as he’s aware, this man is imprisoned in the notorious dungeons of Fear and Hunger.

He knew this was it - The stairway to his Enlightenment, and he was dead set on discovering all the ancient secrets that this stronghold kept, all to reach the ultimate understanding of the greater scheme of things.

No matter how much he wished to keep you at home and promise you that he’ll return in time for dinner, he couldn’t. Not only was it impossible for him to lie to you like that, but he was also unable of stopping you from joining him, no matter how many times he warned you that he might not be able to keep you safe during this mess of a quest, or even as much as say with certainty that neither of you will die. Still, you were persistent, and though you felt your body shivering with fear as soon as you reached the courtyard to the two entrances, you still didn’t back down - You were going to stay by his side, through thick and thin.

From the very second that you got in front of the dungeons, he could see your body trembling softly with fear, from the sheer malevolent and suffocating pressure that it emanated. Enki was unable of reassuring you with words, but he held your hand, guiding you blindly through the intricate hallways of the labyrinthine dungeon, though he had no idea where exactly he had to go. The only thing he knew was that he had to find Le’Garde somewhere deep underneath the dungeons, in the prison levels... Probably.

As torches would go out far too quickly, leaving you to stumble blindly through the place, you used a simple magic spell to create a ball of light in your palm.

In a place as decrepit and plagued such as the Fear and Hunger dungeon, even your Radiating Soul seemed to be greying and fading tragically.

It was thanks to Enki’s level-headed and composed self that you could feel relatively safe. That, and his almost unsettling Necromancy skill, which aided him in creating a small army of ghouls and skeletons to aid your journey to success.

The two of you first encountered an enormous prison guard, with rather disproportionate genitals, ready to tackle you and destroy you entirely. You were absolutely terrified, stunned and rooted to the spot - Thankfully, the Dark Priest and his powerful dark magic were able to quickly massacre the foe.

To calm you down, Enki cupped your face and planted a soft kiss on your forehead, whispering loving words until he could feel your bode relaxing under his touch, ready to go on with your long and perilous journey.

You scavenged various crates and barrels, finding food, armors and weapons useful for the future, though the two of you still relied on your own powerful magic, and the cannon fodder dead as meat shields.

You killed two dark priests, taking their soul stones and purifying talismans, sacrificing a man and raising affinity with Gro-Goroth, before unsealing the magic door using Counter-Magic and venturing inside where they found a Hexen and learnt Greater blood magic.

In one of the libraries, there weren’t all that many books of interest. Somewhere further along, you found a ritualistic circle painted on the ground with blood, over a carved up symbol of Gro-Goroth. You looked up at Enki, confused, as he studied the book on the pedestal closely.

“Gor-Goroth requires a sacrifice, doesn’t he? And Sylvian wants love. Alll-mer wants prayer, doesn’t he? What are we supposed to do?” you ask, looking down at the intricate circle. “Nothing. I’ll do a quick prayer for the God of Destruction, but nothing more. Get out of that circle right now, I don’t want to risk your safety.” he ushered you away quickly as he prayed, and took you out of that place immediately.

On a book shelf, somewhere up, beyond your reach, Enki found the renowned Necronomicon. With trembling hands and deep excitement, he dares to read the Black Book, and even learns the Black Orb spell. This new-found knowledge only seemed to further excite the Dark Priest, so much so that he smirked with deep triumph.

Probably one of the worst parts of the journey was traversing through the Blood-Flesh pit to get to the prisons and activate the elevator for the ground levels; Honestly, how in the world could such a disgusting thing exist, anyway? Everything was so fleshy, squishy, juicy and revolting, it made your skin crawl.

Out in the courtyard, you found a massive statue of Alll-mer, to which you begrudgingly prayed to, but funny enough, somewhere to the left of the courtyard, a huge orgy was taking place, with a bunch of naked people wearing only bunny masks. They were in a trance-like state, and the act seemed rather painful for the submissive one; It was absolutely terrifying to watch, especially as none were letting out a single noise. It seemed that love for the sake of Sylvian had completely gone corrupted. Seeing how uncomfortable it made you, Enki grabbed your wrist and took you away from there without another word. No Godly Affinity was worth your discomfort.

The next location you went to was the Mines, where you noticed a presence that didn’t seem to indicate any kind of malice. Though Enki was a little more weary, as he felt responsible for your well-being, you found yourself encouraged to step forward and introduce yourself. This man looked very similar to Enki, with long and well-kept hair, pale skin, and a dust-grey priest robe. There was something about his soul also, something familiar, that made you feel you could trust this man called Nosramus.

He, also, had an Enlightened Soul. No wonder you felt at ease in his presence. Enki, also, seemed to be feeling the same way. Nosramus revealed he is an alchemist and he lives in this God-Forsaken place. Unfortunately, he had to run away, as he had forgotten his kettle on. What a shame.

Stumbling around blindly through the mines, you had to battle a rather hostile Yellow Mage, though with some rather cunning talk from Enki, he retriever a rather interesting Talisman, before killing that ridiculous dancing foe.

After defeating the Salmonsnake and a ton of ghosts, passing by the cannibal orgy dedicated to Gro-Goroth, Enki summons a portal passage towards the bridge to Ma’habre, pulling you in with him along the ancient city. Somewhere up in the sky, you could see the ghostly silhouette of the four New Gods, who disappeared one by one, but not before a promise of reunion. You were sent back to the mines after that. What a peculiar manifestation of magic!

You went through a whole city of inoffensive yet rather creepy cave-dwellers before finding your way to attack a huge, armoured Knight and its phantasmal counterpart which blocked the path towards Nosramus’ laboratory. He seemed to greet you with open arms and a genuine smile on his face.

Enki asked him what his studies consisted in, and he claims he studies just about all fields of knowledge, like a true renaissance man would, like blood magic, deities, gods and what not, though now he’s most interested in nature and the heartbeat of the earth. Enki smirked a little, realising that such interest aligns with your own. He seemed rather light-hearted and jovial, joking around about having been around for an eternity, and that this dungeon is vital for his studies. Though, when asked about this particular man, he seemed vague, though he confirmed he must be a few floors below them, and they should hurry.

Emboldened by his affirmation, they returned to the Cave-Dwellers’ village and searched around for clues, until they found a rather intricate and particular artifact in the form of a cube. It was the Cube of the Depths. Unfortunately, as soon as they grabbed it, the otherwise peaceful Cave-Dwellers became hostile and started attacking them once spotted. What a shame.

Once escaped, they found themselves deep inside a rather terrifying thicket, chased around by poisoned mumblers, though here, they found a weird, large, bulbous thing like a chist, pulsating and throbbing. They destroyed it immediately, before going down a hole in the ground, reaching the Level 7 Catacombs and finding another such thing.

Unfortunately, just down that corridor, they found the prison cell where the Man of the Prophecy was being shackled. He was already long dead. They were much too late. They failed the task they set out to. How annoying.

Looking at each other, you and Enki exited the prison cell hand in hand, looking down in disappointment - There was no reason for you to be there anymore, was it? Alas, Enki’s path to Enlightenment was shattered in front of him. Mumbling a few curses, he was deaf to the sound of footsteps approaching. “Nosramus!” Enki was brought back to reality by your sweet voice gasping out the alchemist’s name.

The man seemed to have already guessed the one called Le’Garde was long dead. He must have thought he’d have had a much bigger role in the greater scheme of things, but apparently, not so much. Still, the seed of what he planted continues to grow and branch. Nosramus encouraged you to venture further into the darkness and figure out this enigmatic riddle for yourselves. With you thirst for success, Enki dragged you to a large stone gate, engraved with a variety of runes. He brought out the Cube, and the doors opened, to the Tomb of the Gods. Fantastic! This area looks to be from the distant past, how intriguing!

The Priest rushed with you through the many corridors of the Tomb, until you reached the outside; The darkness was hiding away the city, though with your magic, you could get a small glimpse of the odd architecture of this ancient city. It truly was a work of art and historical fountain.

A little unsure of what to do, you reach a Beacon, which seemed to react to the Cube. It grew taller by a few levels, glowing bright green, and suddenly, you and Enki were in Ma’Habre, now illuminated by the bright daylight. The two of you could only stare in shock and wonder at the sight before your eyes - Neither of you ever thought you would witness such a miracle. You were grateful to Nosramus for his guidance. That man knew so much more than he led on.

The Ancient City was wonderous to explore, and it felt almost as though you were sight-seeing, and you were just a newly-married couple enjoying their honeymoon vacation abroad; Though most of the time, you spent in the Grand Library was the most welcomed, as you found so many long-forgotten books to study. Of course, you found yourself stealing a few of them, eager to take them home, restore them, copy them and place them in your own Rondon Library, to benefit other scholars also.

When you were ready to leave the Library, you got attacked by something that you could only call a giant head with its brain out... And uh... An eye that looks awfully phallic.

After guarding from a headbutt and summoning a blood golem, Enki tries talking some sense to the God of Enlightenment... The great Enlightened Valeil became this weird, huge head. Bewildering. Though he didn’t seem to react to his words, a stream of ideas, concepts and questions fill your head.

“Among us... The new Gods... I am Valteil to the Enlightenment as Francois is to the Domination. Who is Torment...?” the voice inside your head asked. At once, Enki answered correctly, mentioning Chambara’s name. The boss took a good amount of damage. Whilst you kept using defensive and healing spells, the undead army kept attacking, allowing Enki safe space to speak and destroy the boss.

“The dark continent... Whence the darkness slowly leaks to the Western World... Where the day only shines... Eternal darkness and grey gloom... What is it called among the people of Europa?” Enki answered correct with his answer of Vinland, causing the Enlightened One a massive headache.

“We, the new Gods... Whilst still walking among men... Our fellowship, when did we embark on our journey to Ascension?” Year 809 was the correct answer, as expected of someone like your remarkable husband. Valteil’s right hemisphere and that ridiculous eye had been destroyed, and then his left hemisphere also. He remained a hallow skull.

“Alll-mer, the Ascended one... The last of the older Gods. What year marks the birth of his new self?” Year 0 was the right answer, of course, and with that, Valteil was defeated. The head of Valteil the Enlightened One falls down to the darkness from where it once rose. The millennia of wisdom and knowledge that is too much for a normal person to bear passes through your heads. You only get glimpses of what is waiting for you on the other side, but this information stream is too much for your mind to handle. Your head hurts, and you feel a little shaken up. You look at Enki, who’s clutching his head also, yet he seems completely ecstatic with the knowledge that something far greater has just started to change.

The cogs of Fear and Hunger have just began to rotate on a larger scale. You got the Enlightened Soul. Enki’s hand squeezed yours, and it was clear, he’s never been more thrilled than with this experience. For a brief second there, he wanted to regret embarking in such a dangerous adventure, yet now, he was pumped up and ready to learn more.

Traversing back through the intricate library, you found Valteil’s mortal body, strung up at the waist with a rope. He seemed absolutely depressed, saying that mankind has no hope, and that ascension was never the right path. Enki admitted he was also on the path of Enlightenment, to which he was warned not to be fooled by power or blinded by the golden throne. One must admit his own mistakes in order to grow, he said. There was, however, one amongst them who was right, though Valteil hadn’t expanded on that, leaving them with more questions than answers.

Enki found an empty scroll, on which he scribbled a request to Alll-mer, to be taught how to walk on water, so you could return back to where you killed the Salmonsnake and reach the other side of the mines. There, you were met with a menacing lizardman, and a bunch of humans strung upside down. They were skinned and mutilated. Seeing your horrified look, Enki held your hand and rushed through the mines, trying to shield your view from the atrocities.

You reached a sealed door, which Enki unlocked with the use of Counter-magic again, and inside, you found none other than Nosramus himself! What a coincidence! He asked about Valteil, somehow sensing they you met him. When Enki told him that he was regretting his past actions, the Alchemist seemed amused and intrigued. It was the first time he had heard about Valteil admitting his mistakes.

“Nosramus, forgive me for asking, but you were friends, weren’t you? You, and all the others.” Nosramus finds himself smiling a little wider hearing you speak. “Valteil mentioned one of his friends being on the correct path - That must have been you, right?” the Alchemist gave a nostalgic nod of his head, explaining that Valteil’s belief was that one could achieve Enlightenment with a snap of his fingers, if only he Ascended. Of course, a ridiculous idea, and Nosramus, to this day, is still bewildered to how easily his friend fell into that trap. The ultimate truth was just one, that there is no end to the path of Enlightenment. New information, new forms of science, new people, new worlds... The knowledge of the world keeps on increasing. How could you settle down thinking you are at the end of it all, he wondered rhetorically.

“We learn our whole life.” Enki found himself mumbling under his breath, his eyes wide with realisation. That quote made Nosramus smile with pride. Unknown to the alchemist, it was you who once told Enki that little thing, and now, to think some words could mean so much, could hold such value. Enki turned his head to you, and once again, amidst the darkness, he saw you radiating brightly - So bright, in fact, like a muse, like the Sun brightens up the whole world at once.

Nosramus then recommended that Enki sits on the golden throne to meet his reflection - Surely, there will be incredible insight and knowledge, especially of the New Gods, which he could learn. Still, he had to heed caution - If he truly was a scholar of sciences, he must only observe, not surrender to the lust of power, like those before him. Thus, the Alchemist offered him the Spirit Anchor.

Enki was a little too bewildered to speak, and could only watch as you embraced the Alchemist, thanking him for his kindness and benevolence is sharing such a gift with you. “Thank you for all of your help, Nosramus. Without you, I am sure, my husband would never truly be happy. It is through knowledge that he finds happiness - And I can only be happy, when seeing him like this. You have saved him from despair, and from himself. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.” the Forgotten One simply chuckled light-hearted, patting your head as though you were his little sister or daughter, reassuring you it wasn’t a big deal he was doing, before ushering you on your way.

Your radiating smile painted a little colour on Enki’s pale cheeks, and you excitedly grabbed both of his hands, dragging him back to the Blood Portal, so you could return to the Ancient City and continue your fantastic journey. You reached the back alleys of the city, and using a stone, you searched for a safe place to land. Clearly, you couldn’t trust the ghouls to hold a rope for you to descend, so you had to jump and land, albeit a little rough, on a small piece of safe land that reached inside an underground cave. Thankfully, Enki caught you, alleviating the pain of your legs.

This cave was filled to the brim with wooden mannequins and a weird machine which, when adding Enki’s blood, it... Created a human husk in his image. Now, you had a rather awkward Enki, looking with disgust and embarrassment at his naked clone, shamelessly prancing around the place. Your amused giggle only made him huff and look away, grabbing you to move along and exit the cave.

Climbing up a ladder, with the clone following you, you found yourselves inside the Temple of Torment. The atmosphere was so thick and heavy that you felt compelled to leave for the moment and explore a little more.

You reached the Tower of the Endless, where you found a bed. Weirdly enough, you felt rather safe in this place, as though you could rest a little. You have been running around for so long, that perhaps a little shut-eyes was welcomed. Enki agreed, laying down on the bed, making room for you to cuddle into his side, resting your head on his chest, feeling his heartbeat lulling you into a deep, peaceful sleep.

However, weirdly enough, you met inside your joined dream, and you found yourselves in Rondon. Though confused, you found yourselves inside a brothel, seeing a mercenary speak to his prostitute wife about his future job and how he wants to provide for her - It was to rescue the very man they found dead. Next, you had to relieve the moment Enki tried to get himself sacrificed, to which the man in cause took you away, not wanting to have you experiencing such heartbreak a second time.

Walking further, you found yourselves deep inside the Oldegard forests, where you saw an Outlander mourning the death of his comrades who were massacred in a war with the Rondon knights who sought an artifact they found. The Outlander seemed to realise his wife and son were in danger, so he rushed to this barn, on a path soaked in blood and corpses. This man was defeated with the knowledge of his family’s death, and he swore revenge on the monster who did this.

Once the Outlander’s memory disappeared, you and Enki walked inside the barn, seeing a Skin Granny, which you had to fight and defeat through all of her phases - Thankfully, it wasn’t that difficult a fight, thanks to your greater magic proficiency and the many undead fighters shielding you two. Once defeated, you excited the barn, seeing a vision of Le’Garde, the man of the prophecy, speaking to one of his female knights rather cryptically. She seemed completely blinded with love for him, but he was simply using her.

As this memory, too, ended, you were engulfed in nothing but a white light, and a woman, Nilvan the Endless, appeared before you. She caressed her swollen belly, begging you to take her child to the darkness, to save the child, and thus, she offered you the Endless Soul. How amusing though, considering neither of you even encountered a child to begin with, but her soul was more than welcomed.

Refreshed and feeling stronger, mentally and emotionally, you and Enki smoked a little and ate well before returning to the Temple of Torment, ready for an arduous fight. As soon as you enter the Temple, a loud, echoing scream, like that of a man deep in anguish and agony, resounded through the whole place, sending shivers down your neck. It was the most terrifying thing you’ve ever heard, and you instinctively clinged onto Enki’s arm for some comfort.

Somewhere inside a long room, you found a weird torture mechanism, and with a heavy heart, you placed the clone on the hooks, ready to sacrifice the husk - Though Enki didn’t seem the least bit disturbed at seeing his own mirror image being tortured to the point of having his skin painfully ripped apart by the hooks, you couldn’t even bring yourself to look at it, your heart shattering as the skeletons kept rotating the wheels.

The Red Man continued shrieking loudly as blood streamed everywhere through the temple, and the deep pit was now full with blood, from which the Tormented One emerged silently. Defeating him once was easy, though the New God succumbed deep inside the pool of blood, as a terrible sensation filled you, as if something was about to happen that should forever remain unknown to human eyes. Thus, he emerged one again, in the middle of three spiky wheels of torment swinging around their axis. One by one, they jammed and destroyed the horrific wheels, and their suffering God, until they all sank into the pool of blood as quietly as when they rose from it.

Though it was a terrifying sight and battle, you feel as if a millennia of torment just slipped before your eyes. You feel sorry for this tormented deity, though Enki not so much. Regardless, you gain the third soul, the Tormented Soul.

Thus, you return to the City Center of Ma’habre, ready to defeat the guard blocking your path from entering the Golden Temple. Inside the Temple, you found an older version of Francois the Dominating, and you engaged in a rather interesting conversation with him, who advised you on how to defeat his younger, more cocky self. After killing the last purple, throbbing heart, you return into the past of the Ancient City, using the Cube of the Depths, ready to defeat the last God.

You found Francois sitting on the golden throne, speaking down on you as though you were vermin or even less. Thankfully, with the use of the old Francois and some cunning speech, you were able to destroy his younger self’s ego enough to make him reckless and vulnerable and destroy him forever, taking his Dominating Soul.

Looking at the golden throne, you felt your body softly trembling, before shifting your gaze towards your lover. You threw your arms around him, bringing him into a tight embrace, confession your love for him over and over and over again, your eyes stinging with tears of sheer fear. Enki simply cupped your face and pulled you into a deep, loving kiss.

It was the first time Enki ever truly told you ‘I love you’.

He tried to tell you he will return to you, but something caught in his throat, rendering him unable to promise something like that. Instead, he felt an electrifying feeling down his spine, and not even once did you break eye contact, as he slowly sat down on the throne of the New Gods.

A bright light engulfed you, and surprisingly, you found yourself in an incomprehensible dimension or world, transported by the throne. Enki was still sitting, while you stood in front of him, both of you deeply confused. Hand in hand, you and the undead army searched for a path towards... Who knew?

As you stepped in the middle of a bridge that separated two large bodies of lands, something started slowly rising from the green hue. Coiling, slimy tentacles were dancing above the green smoke, before the monolithic creature slowly rose from inside the green fog. You and Enki looked at one another, unable to properly comprehend what were you battling, yet you knew, the being before you had tremendous power.

This creature was the Goddess of Life and Love, Sylvian. Tentacles slammed and swirled around in an erratic manner, damaged the protecting undead and blood golems. Suddenly, you noticed the creature growing a large tumor in a humanoid shape, and it was wriggling in pain.

With great difficulty, you managed to cut the four tentacles lashing out at you and the humanoid tumour, before finally descending back into the green smokes, letting you go in peace. What a relief. Battling an Old God took its toll on you two, and you needed a few seconds of respiro, smoking some opium, before finding some strength in your feet to walk forward and have... A New God, oddly resembling Enki, with a cage on his head, greeting you.

“Knowledge... It suffocates those who are not able to adjust to it. I could not bear the world with everything I’ve learned with the Enlightenment and my Ascension. It is said that ignorance is bliss and knowledge only enhances the pain. The only way for me to continue existing was to change. Knowledge changes one permanently. There is no looking back after a certain point.” the reflection of Enki spoke to him in a monotone voice.

That reflection was what he was to become. He felt great lust for power take over him - It would have been so easy to give in and learn secrets that are only whispered among mortals - But he came prepared, and had been warned about such lust; Not only that, a single look into your eyes was enough to remind him of his true purpose, his true happiness. He didn’t want to end up like Valteil, trapping himself in the corner, with nothing left to do but rot away, forgotten by the world. No, he was destined for so much more - Though a mortal, he felt content continuing his path towards Enlightenment with you by his side.

You declined the Godhood and managed to step out of the plane of the ascended that was coloured by the green hue that radiated from the underground pits. It’s not like your ascension wasn’t without its merits, even if you withdrew at the last second. You saw the reflection after all and understood its intents. With newly found knowledge, he took the grand libraries of the ancient city as his own, and once he was done with a book, he would pass it on to you, to read, copy and restore, so that you could make your own Great Library of Rondon the most Enlightened one in the whole world. The Enlightened Library.

Thankfully, the library of Ma’habre already contained more information than one could digest in multiple lifetimes, yet lucky for you, Enki, with a little help from Nosramus, discovered the secrets of a prolonged life pretty soon.

You found out how the older Gods had left this world long ago. You had taken care of the New Gods that resided in the city of the Gods. Enki did not need Godhood to chase after the true Enlightenment. He did not need Godhood to become the most powerful mortal to exist.

He already WAS the most accomplished mortal that ever was, and will ever be.

And with your Radiating warmth, love, beauty and support, along with his new-found friend, the Alchemist Nosramus, the Forgotten One, life has become a truly happy bliss.

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stxrvel · 4 months

Text

i don't wanna live forever (1)

summary: reader couldn't stop having deaths in her life ever since the Supersoldier serum came into her life. no matter how hard she tried to stay sane, it seemed that life didn't want to give her a break. until, one afternoon, she learned that one of her old friends was alive… (you guys know im bad at summaries, but please give this one a chance)

pairing: bucky barnes x f!reader

words: +4.5k

warnings: angst, major character deaths, canon deaths¿?, bad words, english is not my first language! thoughts of revenge and death, this is like an introductory chapter, so the buckyxreader interaction is low, but it'll get better, i promise!

note: holy fuck guys. i just spent like five hours writing and editing this and i fucking love it. its been a while since ive been this proud of a work, im actually scare the emotion will disappear, but i really want to rejoice in this one. i wanted to write something a little different from my usuals, maybe a little common in the fanfiction world, but i started and i simply could not stop (or maybe just approach this bucky fic from another perspective). so this is the first part and i'll try with all my heart to keep this going because it was fucking insane, at least for me. i really hope you all like this as much as i do! feel free to leave any comment! thanks always for all the support!! see you next time <3

part 2 ; part 3 ; part 4

When you went into the Supersoldier serum project with Steve, you thought you were going to change the world. Of course, at that time when technology was relatively new any invention felt like the beginning of a new era. That's how it was all sold to you and it was how you expected everything to turn out… Until you realized that it was all really a waste of effort and time.

They were just propaganda for war. Not to stop it, to promote it. To motivate it.

You tried, on several occasions, not to think too much about it. You tried to stay out of it as Steve sometimes asked you to, even though even he didn't want to, as Bucky asked you to when you lay on his shoulder to cry in the little time you had free between trips. It was a great burden of guilt and helplessness.

Until you and Steve, with the almost imposed help of Peggy and Howard, rescued Bucky from the evil hands of Johann Schmidt and his nefarious organization, HYDRA, that, unbeknownst to you, would haunt you for a long time to come. It was only after that, after spending several sleepless days on edge thinking about what might be happening to Bucky, that you and Steve were finally able to go out and contribute something. Destroy HYDRA and the Red Skull's plans.

Of course, you realized that not everything could go right when, the one mission you couldn't attend, Bucky didn't return. And then Steve didn't come back either.

“Do you think this will ever end?” you had asked Bucky the day before his last mission.

“Of course it will,” he had answered without hesitation, moonlight illuminating his clear eyes, squeezing your hand as if it was all he wanted to do for the rest of his life. “And after that we can begin to live as it should be.”

But there was no after that, because you never recovered from losing him. From losing them both.

“Are you okay?” Peggy approached, in the middle of the afternoon when the sun was streaming through the stained glass windows of the church, illuminating the spot where Steve's empty coffin had been, because they didn't even find his body. They didn't even think there was any of it left.

You barely moved your head to acknowledge her presence, moving the prayer slip they had recited throughout the mass between your hands. Your eyes were crystallized, in tears that no longer even made the effort to flow, because you had already spent too many days and nights crying. Peggy had been on the other side of the church, sitting next to Howard while the priest spoke, because you had refused to be near them in those moments. You didn't want to be near them.

“As well as one can be,” you slurred, finding that it had been a long time since you'd last used your voice for anything other than cursing and crying disconsolately.

The people had already left, probably an hour or more ago. The empty coffin had already been brought out, all the flower arrangements had been picked up, and the priest was preparing for the evening mass. You knew you had to leave, you knew Peggy and Howard were there waiting for you, but you felt stuck at that moment. You didn't want to leave, you didn't want to get ahead, you didn't want that life if it had to be this cruel.

You heard Peggy's sigh, before she took a seat next to you, a short distance away, averting her gaze to look at Christ on the cross.

You didn't know if you were selfish to be so closed off to your friends at this moments, because they must be grieving as much as you were, but you didn't know how to deal with the future possibilities. Bucky and Steve, great men and soldiers, one even with enhanced abilities, had not been able to make it through the punishment of war. What if Peggy and Howard were the same? What if they too had the cruel fate of dying at the hands of injustice? Could you deal with that? With everyone gone?

Maybe you could open up to them a little more because if not, who else? Turning away from them was not going to ensure their survival in this hate-filled society. Maybe you could protect them, like you couldn't protect Steve and Bucky. Maybe you could make a difference, because you had the chance to.

“You know,” Peggy spoke again, rearranging herself on the bench and crossing her legs, “Steve always knew this was how it would end.”

Her wistful, mournful, fragile voice sent a shiver through your body. Peggy didn't consider herself someone to show herself vulnerable in front of others no matter how close they were, even in those things that hurt her the most, in those things that affected her personally and made her eyes water instantly, she always tended to shut down. And at that moment you didn't dare interrupt her because you knew it would probably be the only time she would talk about Steve in a long time.

“Sometimes we'd talk, between tour trips, and he would tell me that wasn't what he wanted to do, even when he had to convince you otherwise,” her clasped hands would occasionally squeeze between words, blinking rapidly to fight back the tears. “He didn't know if he'd made the right decision.”

You could almost picture him, backstage at the foot of the stairs with that notebook he carried everywhere and wouldn't let go, Peggy at his side nostalgic, as helpless as the others. It reminded you of the times you'd had similar conversations with Bucky, desperate to find a purpose, a way through so much fog.

“The first time I saw him so sure of himself was when he asked us to help them look for Bucky,” she mumbled his name, as if trying not to scare you away by saying it too loudly. “Ever since then it seemed like he'd found that spark…”

“Until Bucky died,” you whispered, the words cutting through the cold and silence, Peggy shifting on the bench contritely.

“He lost something of himself from that day on, it wasn't hard to tell. The next time I heard him so sure after spending days lost, it was on that call from the plane.”

Peggy paused, raising her hand to cover her mouth as her voice faltered. You turned to look at her, wishing you could rip the pain from her soul and leave it in yours. She was trying to contain her emotions, breathing deeply, and in that moment you wondered what life might be like from now on, with the specter of grief following you around, waiting for the next time the dead knocked on your doors, unexpectedly, without allowing you to say goodbye.

“He had told me he wouldn't die in peace until he could get it all over with. And he took it all with him. And I hated him so much for it…” Peggy sobbed, her labored breathing standing out between words. She kept looking straight ahead at the stained glass windows, the expression on her face hard and scowling despite having tears rolling down her cheeks, as if she were trying to blame something for what had happened. Her reproachful eyes fixed on the Christ.

Her wails echoed through the walls of the church, the father on the dais sending them a look of sorrow. He had offered you water, thirty minutes after everyone at Steve's wake had left, when they kept walking, and you stood there.

Another empty casket.

“Ladies,” Howard's voice reached your ears amidst all the physical and emotional numbness. You could barely notice Peggy wiping under her eyes with the pocket square that was surely part of Howard's suit, as she took breaths to get up. “We should go now.”

You heard him walk, his slow, careful steps stopping just behind you. There, on his feet with his chest tight, he rested a hand on your shoulder and gave it a squeeze in support. He knew it was the most you would allow him at a time like this, deciding not to pass up the opportunity to let you know he was there. You sighed, feeling a heaviness take over your body as you stood up.

“Yeah, let's go.”

The next few months passed in a blur. Maybe too fast, maybe too slow, you weren't sure anymore.

Peggy continued to work at the Strategic Science Reserve for a couple of years, calling you from time to time to help her with some jobs. You kept a low profile, practically a fugitive from the state, while trying to live a halfway normal life in Europe. A lot of it thanks to Howard really.

Life had become a rather monotonous routine when you stopped getting so many calls from Peggy and Howard several years later. You knew they were fine, but not being able to return to the country filled you with anguish every day. And trying to lead a normal life became too complicated when you looked in the mirror and it seemed like not a single day had passed since you were in that capsule of Dr. Erskine's with Steve.

Until Peggy called one day asking you to come back. She told you that it was safe, that there would be no state officials waiting for you at the airport, but even if that had been the situation, you wouldn't have hesitated for a second to buy the first plane ticket and fly to see them again. To Howard and Peggy, to melt into an embrace, longing for the lost years.

You had thought that contributing to the fight in World War II had earned you a ticket to at least be recognized in the military, but all you gained was the government with their mad scientists looking for you to try to recreate the Supersoldier serum. Peggy didn't want to risk you and Howard gave you no choice by giving you a plane ticket to Finland with your bags packed.

You wasted many years not being by their side, unable to keep the promise you had made them in your head to be close by to protect them, to watch over their safety.

But when you left the airport there was only Peggy, and maybe that should've told you everything.

Her hair already looked gray, the effects of gravity and time present on her face. You hated to think that you shouldn't have looked any different from the way she saw you last time when she waved you off at that same airport. Her warm gaze was the same, raising her arms with held back tears to encircle you in a big hug. She tried hard not to sob against your shoulder, you felt the choppy movement of her breath against your chest.

She looked so different and the same at the same time.

You walked to her car a moment later, her trying to carry your suitcase and you telling her you were perfectly fine carrying it on your own. Amidst a smile, she walked into the driver's door and you frowned as you saw the empty passenger seat.

“Where's Howard?” you spoke as you sat down, after stowing the huge suitcase in the trunk of the car. The way you moved to buckle up, you didn't notice the way Peggy froze in place, her hands clenching the steering wheel so tightly that her breath hitched from the effort.

“We're going to see him,” was all she said, but she was very good at hiding that something was wrong. Only for a little while.

During the trip, even though you tried to ask things about them, about what they had been doing during this time, you didn't miss the way her shoulders were tense or her eyes very alert. Something bad had happened and Peggy was trying to hide it from you.

When she pulled up in front of a church, you already knew what had happened without her answering a single one of your questions.

Howard had died.

You two had sat next to Howard's son Tony, his spitting image, in complete silence as the prayers went on. At that moment you didn't know what had happened, hoping it had been a quiet and peaceful death, because you didn't know if you would be able to endure another violent death.

Peggy gave you all the details when the mass was over, after the coffin was taken away, and you hadn't felt such fury in so many years. Not since the deaths of Bucky and Steve had that adrenaline rush of anger returned to run through your body as violently as it did at that moment, when Peggy told you that he had been murdered along with his wife. All to steal some prototypes of Dr. Erskine's serum. The damned serums with which everything had started.

This time there was a body in the coffin, but there was also a culprit. Someone to point the finger at and take it out on for years of anguish and pain.

You were at Peggy's house, staying for a few days, when she told you that wasn't all.

Peggy had a suspicion that HYDRA hadn't disappeared when Steve crashed that plane into the ice. Her suspicions generated panic in you, because Bucky and Steve had died for that, now apparently Howard, only for it all to have been for nothing. The feeling of carnage that ran through your whole head made you nauseous, years of helplessness and pain pent up in such a small body had to find its way out somehow.

“It was a man, according to the information I've been able to gather,” Peggy spoke, taking a seat across from you in the dining room of her living room, after pouring you a glass of lemonade. “He didn't die from the crash. He had a concussion. He was hit in the head. His wife died from asphyxiation.”

“Does Tony know?”

“No,” Peggy shook her head quickly, one hand over her heart as if the mere thought caused her physical pain. “It didn't even occur to me to tell him something like that.”

“And he was looking for the serum,” you recalled, a bitter feeling planted in the back of your throat, the memories of the disastrous times during the war coming back into your head like a blinding flash.

“He took them. We don't know who he is or who he works for, but whoever they are, they must have been following us for a long time to know about them.”

“You mean years,” you arched an eyebrow, your fingers touching the cool exterior of the glass seeking some reassurance.

“Possibly. That project isn't recent,” Peggy nodded, drinking her lemonade with a grimace. You stared at the liquid almost finished from her glass, a wrinkle forming between your brows with each passing second and you kept wondering why.

“But what the fuck was going through that asshole's head?” you spat angrily. Rage at already the amount of lives that serum had taken with it and at Howard's recklessness. Rage at the reaper who seemed to be following in their footsteps for some reason, rage at that damn man and whoever his damn boss was.

“It was the only option, Y/N,” Peggy turned her gaze, meeting your eyes with a strange glint.

“What do you mean?” you were almost afraid to ask, your friend's gaze suddenly turning evasive. You watched her run her fingernails over the glass of the tumbler, lost for a moment in thought. The way her shoulders slumped forward in defeat caused a pressure in your chest that made it hard to breathe. Peggy shouldn't be going through these things at this point in life.

“Howard was working with the Pentagon, as a contractor or something. They had found you. Howard felt cornered and they made him sign an agreement.”

With your incredulous look on her face, Peggy didn't dare look back at you for a few seconds. So much had happened since you had left and it seemed that you had only been told about the things you weren't going to care about so much. But if you had known that you wouldn't have cared much about giving some of the state officials their comeuppance. You would've liked Howard to trust you enough to tell you, not live in as much fear behind his back as the last few years must've been. You didn't like the way Peggy's lips curved downward, as if she, too, would've preferred to make another decision had she known this was how it was going to end.

“Howard assured them that he could recreate the serum, and told them he would as long as they left you alone.”

“Fucking asshole…” you closed your eyes, scrubbing your face with your hands. The rough skin of your hands rubbed against the delicate skin of your face, years of combat and mistreatment foreseeing a harshness that reminded you every day of what you'd had to go through to get to that moment.

“I only found out about it after it happened. I didn't see it for like a whole week,” Peggy shook her head slightly, her eyes glistening in the pain of the memories. You shook your head hard, a more violent reaction than you could have anticipated.

“That stupid… stupid asshole! What the fuck made him think I couldn't defend myself?”

“He was trying to do the right thing,” Peggy finally searched your eyes, meeting the red rims that told her you were holding back too hard breaking in front of her, only using that pain mixed with rage to keep you sane.

“And look how that turned out!”

Peggy stretched her hand across the table, with a pleading look asking you to lower your voice, averting her gaze to the hallway. You followed her gaze, for a second forgetting where you were, forgetting that her family was with you behind the doors where you were plunged into darkness. It was past midnight.

You took a second to calm yourself, trying to drown out the uncontrolled emotions and taking deep breaths to calm your fluttering heart.

“And if what you theorize is true…” you regretted the moment those words left your mouth; you didn't even want to finish the sentence.

“Do you think it is?”

“I don't want to,” you shook your head instantly, closing your eyes, the thought sounding illogical inside your head. Your hands on your chest trying to contain the storm of feelings that was making chaos inside your head. “That would mean that everything we did, everything Bucky, Steve and Howard did and sacrificed, was in vain. It will all have been in vain.”

You spent several weeks with that thought in your head, working hand in hand with Peggy, and the organization you barely knew as SHIELD, to track down the whereabouts of the killer of Tony's parents and the one responsible because the Supersoldier's serums were, surely, in the wrong hands.

And yes, it was many years of fruitless missions and dead ends, with you running every field mission and Peggy calling the shots from the New York facility. Every time you felt close to discovering something, it seemed that the enemy rejoiced in your failures and still couldn't understand how they were always three steps ahead.

However, you had to leave the missions when Peggy became ill.

The silent, lethal Alzheimer's.

During the first months in the hospital, she still recognized you. She also recognized her husband and children. But after the first year, she frowned every time her children walked through the door. After a year and a half, her husband had to remind her that they had been married for about forty years.

After two years, she was still only remembering you, Howard, Steve and Bucky. Her whole life during her time in the army was all you talked about, sometimes you would tell her how much more time had passed than she remembered and always, without fail, she would ask you how much you had done in Europe for so long by yourself.

She cried every time she remembered Howard's death. She cried every time she remembered her children. Out of her mouth came a thousand apologies that no one would accept, because there was nothing anyone could do to prevent what had to happen. You wished she had been a serum test subject instead of you.

For several years, missions to find Tony's parents killer were sporadic because you spent more time around Peggy than at the SHIELD facility. She was the only thing you had left of everything you'd ever had, of when you held the world in your hands. She was the last thing keeping you tethered to that reality, keeping madness from flooding your reason. How could you have so many years ahead of you when that was all you had to live for? A life full of the dead, full of pain and suffering. What kind of karma were you paying for?

You were leaving the SHIELD facility, after another failed mission, when Nick Fury stopped you in front of the exit. You almost rolled your eyes right under his watchful gaze, tired of having to meet him anywhere, and exhausted from his comments about this vengeance project or whatever he wanted you to be a part of.

You still didn't know how, being such an exemplary agent, Coulson had fallen into his nets.

“Miss L/N,” the man stopped you with his words, his hands behind his back and a tense stance that caught your attention.

“Fury,” you nodded in his direction, hoping he'd be quick because you were running late for your weekly visit with Peggy. “Do you need anything?”

“I'd like you to come with me somewhere,” Fury approached tentatively, his one eye fixed on your wary expression, which shifted to boredom the moment you thought you knew what he wanted.

“If this is about that project, I've told you a thousand times-”

“No,” he interrupted you, moving forward and removing his hands from behind his back. “It's not related to that. I really want you to come with me.”

“You look agitated, but I need-”

“I'll take you to see Peggy myself after this.”

You didn't like that he knew your routine, even though you weren't doing enough to hide it from the other agents. But Fury looked nervous, even though he was hiding it very well, trying to keep his cool as he looked for ways to convince you.

You figured it wouldn't be a big deal for you to go off the deep end for once. After all, Peggy never remembered you were going to see her.

You set off in Fury's armored vans, not quite sure where you were going, but sure that it was urgent, because he had taken it upon himself to let his driver know that you had to get there as soon as possible.

You took that time on the trip to come up with a new strategy for the next mission because what you were doing up to that point wasn't working and you felt too close to throwing in the towel, figuratively speaking. You could spend years following a ghost, but you wouldn't give up on finding Howard and Maria's killer.

Before the car pulled up to one of SHIELD's secret sections, they passed the giant, imposing Stark Tower. You never saw Tony again after that time at his parents' funeral, not even during his visits to Peggy because you always made it a point not to cross him. You didn't think you'd be able to look him in the eye while you knew his parents had been killed without being able to tell him. You had promised Peggy in her lucid moments that you wouldn't tell him anything until you could find the culprit. You didn't want to initiate that pain if it had to be kept repressed, as yours once was, and probably still is. You had learned, some time after the funeral, that he was living with Edwin Jarvis, and you were glad to know that he would have good companionship to keep him company in such hard times.

Fury, a handful of agents and you entered the vans through the entrance to what appeared to be the parking lot of an old warehouse. Upon entering, the first thing you noticed was the number of armed agents that seemed to be guarding the place, not at all discreet to how SHIELD used to do things. You weren't sure if Peggy would authorize something like that, but you couldn't question the Director's decisions. It wasn't your place.

“What's going on here?” you frowned, watching as every meter there was another agent and another agent. You got out of the car without waiting for an answer from Fury, moving directly toward the entrance where most of the agents were concentrated. You barely noticed their looks in contradiction, running their eyes over you and then over the man trying to catch up to you, dubious as to whether or not they should move. “Move.”

“Wait,” Fury's voice stopped the command in the agents, who turned back to look at you as you sent Fury a confused look.

“What's all this mystery, Nicholas?” the man startled almost discreetly at your tone of voice, the agents stirring uncomfortably, but kept the serene expression that was getting on your nerves. “What the fuck did you do?”

“We got a call from the Arctic.”

“From the Arctic?”

You tried to ignore the way the hairs on your neck instantly stood up, your body alerting you to something your mind still couldn't comprehend. You felt like a deer face to face with a predator, expecting the worst.

“The Colonel informed us of something that might interest us,” Fury's cryptic voice echoed in your ears, drowning out the flicker of uncertainty vibrating from your head to your toes. “They found a plane.”

You didn't even answer him. Your heart began to pound wildly, cornered, ready to have your head bitten off. The tension in your shoulders intensified, with the involuntary movement of your hands as you broke into a cold sweat. The mere implication of his words caused an emptiness in your stomach, a sense of longing and fear you hadn't felt before.

You looked at Fury, trying to find in his gaze the gleam of a lie, but there was nothing there but assurance. There was nothing but recognition and understanding in his gaze, but that didn't make the emptiness in your stomach and the tight chest go away. It didn't make the feeling of being outside your body go away.

You barely remembered to move in the direction of the door, the agents instantly moving out of your way, pushing it so hard that one of them flew out. You moved your eyes around every corner of the room, the cream-colored walls generating a great repulsion in you. And there, in the midst of all the confusion and the storm, a confused and disgruntled face looked back at you. A face you never thought you would see again.

Steve Rogers was standing a few feet away from you, barely comprehending what was happening around him and instantly recognizing you. Your chest compressed once again, the tears you held back for so many years even in your loneliness making their own way into your eyes, endangering to end that mask you wore everywhere you went.

Steve was actually there, looking back at you with his eyes shining in recognition. You didn't know if he was as surprised as you were to react or you looked so bad that he didn't know if he should approach you or not. You just knew it was him, it really was him right there in front of you. He wasn't dead. Steve wasn't dead. He was alive. Ah, he was so alive.

The broken sob that suddenly left you was loud enough to make your friend shed his stupefaction and stride over to where you were. You barely managed to cover your face, between sobs, wails and disbelief, feeling your knees give out, surrendering to the weight of the pain, when his strong arms grabbed your shoulders before you hit the floor. Preventing your fall, as you had wished so many times before.

You cried against his shoulder, when feeling him against your body you knew there was no doubt it was true. You moved your hands away from your face, wrapping them around his waist as tightly and lovingly as you hadn't hugged anyone in so long. Surely the last time you hugged someone like that was when you saw Peggy on your way back from Europe.

Steve wasn't far behind, his arms around your shoulders just as tightly, his chin against the crown of your head, moving from side to side trying to hold back the loud sobs that shook your body.

You couldn't believe it, but it was true, he was right in front of you.

Steve was alive. He had come back to your side. You didn't even want to ask why.

And there was nothing else you could think about for the rest of your life.

#stxrvel talks #bucky barnes x reader #bucky fanfic #bucky fic #bucky x you #bucky fluff #bucky barnes angst #james bucky barnes #bucky barnes #bucky x reader #bucky #james bucky buchanan barnes #winter soldier #the winter soldier #steve rogers

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thatonebrazilian · 1 year

Text

Tolerate it

Summary: Everyone assumed you were fine, but what would they do if you just... broke free?

Pairings: Natasha Romanoff x Reader; undertones of Carol Danvers x Reader; Platonic Clint Barton x Reader; mentions of platonic Wanda Maximoff x Reader.

Word count: Around 6K

TW: Deep angst, assassination attempt, betrayal of trust, suicidal thoughts, dealing with grief, self sacrifices.

A/N: I've been in the mood for angst, apparently. And I actually wasn't planning on writing anything (I shouldn't have, I was short for time as it was), but I was listening to Taytay and the fic just came to me. This will probably hurt a lot. Just hurt, not much comfort. Let there be pain.

You didn't know what you did wrong. You didn't know how you could fix this. You didn't know if it even could be fixed.

All you did, all you could do, was just sit there and watch her. She was reading, her head low, almost as if she was trying to keep a barrier between you two.

You sat in the corner of the room, watching her as she immersed herself in reports. The soft glow of the lamp cast a delicate halo around her, illuminating her beautiful, beautiful features. And yet, on that night, as on many before, the light seemed unable to reach her eyes.

You knew she was struggling, you were too. Everyone was. The Blip had taken many from their families, and the toll it took on those who stayed made many more lose their loved ones. The remaining Avengers lost Clint to his own darkness, and you lost the love of your life to what you could only describe as self-isolation.

Natasha had always had an unhealthy work-life balance, yet you always managed to counter that… But not anymore.

You had been together for what felt like an eternity, intertwined in a love that once knew no bounds. Now, though, there was a growing chasm separating the two of you. Natasha would only engage in conversations that revolved around missions and saving the world, and none of those came from you.

You used to be an Avenger too, with powers so astronomical that you never learned to control them. Bruce and Tony had to create some sort of inhibitor for you, lest you destroy the world by mistake.

You were probably one of the most powerful beings out there, but having no control whatsoever of your powers would only bring destruction, so you learned to live without them, the bracelet Tony made never leaving your wrist.

Being a somewhat powerless avenger was hard, but it was worth it. You saved people, you helped your friends.

But since the Blip things have changed.

After watching Wanda, one of your best friends, disappear right in front of your eyes; after seeing Clint's descent into darkness, you didn't feel like fighting anymore. So you decided to stop, you stopped so you could take care of yourself, take care of Natasha.

They were small, the things you did for her, but meaningful nonetheless. You'd wait by the door every day to greet her like a god-damned war hero, to show her some love and comfort after a hard day at work; you'd make her favorite dishes, lay the table with your best cutlery; you even took upon painting as it seemed to ease your mind, and you'd use your best colors for her portraits (and there were many)... And yet, all Natasha gave back were lukewarm smiles; hums, and nods in acknowledgment of your attempts at conversation, and a lackluster "thanks".

She seemed to simply… Tolerate it.

You woke up in the wee hours of the morning, the sun hadn't risen yet, and the moonlight shone through the curtains, casting a soft glow across the room. Your gaze fell upon Natasha, who lay beside you sleeping lightly. The rise and fall of her chest matched the rhythm of her breathing, a calming sight that used to bring you comfort.

But then, as you watched her, you noticed a subtle alteration in her breathing patterns, something that would go unnoticed by anyone else. The steady rhythm became irregular, interrupted by moments of slightly shallower breaths and the briefest of pauses. There was a tension in her muscles that hadn't been there a second ago, almost as if a silent battle was being waged beneath her immaculate skin.

Natasha's eyes remained closed, her face serene as if she was lost in the most peaceful of dreams. But you knew the truth. She was pretending to be asleep. It felt like she didn't want to wake up beside you, like she simply tolerated your presence, but now even that tolerance seemed to be waning.

You wanted to reach out, to offer her solace, to take all the pain away, but the invisible barrier between you seemed impossible to break through. The distance that had grown between you now felt like a vast expanse, impossible to bridge. Her closed eyes spoke volumes, a silent plea for space, for time, for avoidance.

Your heart ached with the weight of unspoken words, your eyes burned with the sting of unshed tears. You missed Clint, he'd know how to deal with this, he'd help her, but he'd help you, too. He'd hug you and tell you that everything was gonna be ok, he'd make sure it'd turn out that way. You missed Wanda, she'd take you out to eat ice cream, watch silly sitcoms with you, tell you the stupidest jokes just to see you crack a smile, she'd even threaten Natasha if she imagined the other redhead was hurting you in any way, shape or form.

You missed your life, your old life, before the Blip.

You turned away from her, not wanting her to see the tears in your eyes in case she opened hers.

As it turns out, the first time Natasha had a semblance of a real conversation with you in… You don't even know how many weeks… Was to ask you to join a team to take down whatever new evil had shown up.

You didn't even think twice about it, you took the job, you'd do anything to get closer to her again.

The team consisted of you, Steve, and Carol, who was visiting Earth. You didn't even know where you were headed or who you were facing, you just wanted to come back with an excuse to actually talk to your fianceé.

As you prepared to get into the jet, you saw her there, giving off directions before everyone boarded. You wrestled with conflicting emotions, torn between respecting Natasha's need for distance and the overwhelming desire to break through the walls she had erected.

You felt a hand on your shoulder then, too warm to be Nat's, and you immediately felt the comfort she radiated.

Carol wasn't the most sentimental person, she wouldn't tell you that everything would be fine, she wouldn't offer comforting words, but she'd be there, a warm unwavering presence amidst the chaos (even if you rarely saw each other in person). She was the one good thing that the Blip brought you.

"Don't think too much about it," the blonde said, already knowing what was on your mind. "Keep your head in the game, I don't want you getting hurt out there, ok?"

You nodded while managing to keep to yourself the strong urge to hug her, to seek comfort in that friendly and familiar warmth of hers.

She nodded back, turned and boarded the jet, having already reviewed with Natasha her role in the mission.

You looked at your fianceé only to find her eyes already on you. You didn't think too much into it, though, she was probably just reviewing in her head the role you'd have for this mission.

Once again you found yourself wanting to go to her, but the fear of rejection loomed over you, a haunting presence that whispered of the potential pain that awaited if you ventured too close.

You turned away and stepped in the jet.

You stumbled into the Avengers' compound, a dull ache radiating from your wounded shoulder, the bloodstained clothes doing nothing to give you comfort.

The mission had taken an unexpected turn, and both you and Steve got shot. Multiple times.

As soon as you stepped through the quinjet's door Natasha was there, the worry in her eyes making you question if you were hallucinating. She walked to you, her eyes never leaving yours, it was almost as if you could feel her again, the old Natasha, your Natasha.

"What the fuck happened? You weren't supposed to get hurt!" she exclaimed in a mix of anger, desperation and concern. She ran her hands through her unkempt hair. It was an uncommon sight, indeed, to see her so disheveled.

You knew she had been worried, the moment Steve reported back you could hear her pacing back and forth through the comms, you just didn't know it would affect her this much. You didn't think she cared anymore.

Almost as if sensing your thoughts, Natasha took a hesitant step closer and reached for your hands. "You got me really worried." She said, her eyes looking deep into yours, her hands soothingly cold to the touch.

You could see she wanted to say something else, but almost as if she was waging a silent war against herself, she shook her head, released your hands and sighed. "Go to the med bay. I'll meet you there."

You nodded weakly, too tired from blood loss to argue. Too tired in general.

As you made your way to the medical facilities, the pain in your shoulder intensifying with each step, you couldn't help but think of all the times Clint saved your ass from stupid bullet wounds like these, or how Wanda would literally create a shield around you whenever you faced danger.

You missed them, you missed Wanda so much, and you couldn't help but wish it was you and not her. And Clint, god, you hated what he became, you hated the Ronin, you hated that he wasn't there to heal by your side, to heal with Natasha, but you still missed him so much.

As you entered the med bay, you were greeted by a warmth that made you question how she could have gotten there first.

"Bold move, jumping in front of a sea of bullets like that" Carol said, there was no warmth in her voice though. You closed your eyes.

"I couldn't let them shoot that child," you said, sitting on a cot and looking apologetically at her.

Carol gritted her teeth, her eyes scanning your wounded shoulder, the part of you that got the most hits, with a mix of worry and anger written across her face.

"So you just deemed your life less valuable than hers and decided to throw it away?" She clenched her fists.

"That's not it and you know it," you said in a small voice. It was worse, but no, she didn't know it. She didn't need to. You didn't want to burden her too.

Carol's eyes softened, she took a couple steps towards you and touched your uninjured shoulder. "I just worry about you, sweet girl." She said and sighed, "Look, I know you don't have much to live for right now, but you're one of my best friends, I wouldn't be able to deal with it if something ever happened to you. And by the looks of it neither would Natasha, despite all the shit she's been pulling."

It was amazing how Carol, just like Wanda before her, was able to fill you with lightness. With them, as well as with Clint, you felt cherished, cared for. You could never be more thankful for the blonde in front of you. Without Clint and Wanda here to support your near Natasha-less life, Carol was the one thing keeping you sane.

You just wished being sane was enough.

You managed a weak smile, though, and even if felt forced, it still seemed to have convinced Carol that you were ok. "I'll be fine, Carebear. Just a flesh wound. I know I haven't been in the field for a while, but it's nothing I can't handle."

Carol fought off a smirk. "Promise me you won't pull shit like that again, at least".

You saluted her, a mocking smile on your face, despite the ache you felt inside. "Aye, aye, Captain!"

She chuckled and shook her head, "You're the worst".

"But you love it!" Your answering smile was more genuine this time.

Her smile grew bigger, and you wished you could see it in person more often.

"I actually do." She said, shaking her head once more and turning away to leave the med bay.

It didn't take long for a nurse to come to tend to you. There were many bullet wounds around your body, although most were superficial. The worst was indeed your shoulder, having been hit four times.

You bitterly wondered how you could still be alive with all of these bullet holes around your body.

The minutes passed by, and yet there was no sign of Natasha, so after all your wounds have been treated and dressed you decided to go look for the redhead.

It was a bad idea. As you located her, your heart sank. There she was, tending to Steve's wounds, her focus solely on him. Even though there was nothing romantic about the situation, the sight of them together stirred a mix of emotions within you. Jealousy, longing, confusion. Betrayal. You wondered if there was something more between Natasha and Steve, a connection that surpassed friendship. You wondered why she would deem him deserving of having his wounds treated personally by her while you were sent to a nameless nurse.

Your mind raced, struggling with the whirlwind of emotions that engulfed you. Doubts crept in, and you questioned the very nature of your relationship with Natasha. Did she even love you still? Has she ever? Where was that woman who threw blankets over your barbed wire, leaving you just soft enough for all your other friends to approach? Why has she left you behind in her pursuit to build this new world instead of taking you along with her? The uncertainty gnawed at you, intensifying the ache in your shoulder. You made her your temple, your mural, your sky, but now you were left begging for footnotes in the story of her life.

As you stood there, watching her tend to his injuries, a deep sense of loneliness washed over you. The weight of the lack of acknowledgment you've been getting from her grew heavier, casting a shadow over the bond you once shared. The pain in your shoulder felt insignificant compared to the ache in your soul.

At that moment, you realized you couldn't take it anymore. You loved Natasha, you would probably love her till the end of your days, but you knew your love should be celebrated, and yet all she did was tolerate it.

You never thought about what she would do if you broke free, leaving the two of you in ruins. But that's what you did, you took the chains that bound you to Natasha and broke them.

You still longed for her, though, the neverending love you held for the woman felt like a dagger piercing your heart, a constant reminder of what you craved for, of what you once had. You wanted to remove it, to see it clatter to the ground as you bled out.

It was weird to gain the weight of her then lose it, but you needed to do it, you had to.

You were doing it for her as much as for yourself. Natasha had lost so, so much, but there was one person who could still come back, so you went to look for him, more in hopes of helping her than fulfilling your own desire of seeing him again.

Even if she didn't love you (which was the impression you got when you told her you'd be gone, looking for Clint, only to get a blank stare in response), you still loved her, you still wanted her to be as happy as she could, and you knew Clint was the person to make that happen, he was her best friend as much as he was yours.

You needed to help her heal somehow.

"She's been a mess since you left," Carol had said once during a video call, the vast expansion of the universe now looming right behind her, "don't ever tell her I said that, though." The grimace on her face told you she wasn't kidding.

"Steve's been trying to help more, even I am; I've been to earth since you left more times than I've been throughout my whole life. I'm afraid that if I stay gone too long, she won't be there when I come back… Since you left she barely takes care of herself. The place's a mess, she hasn't been eating much, and, again, don't ever tell her I said this, but I thought I'd never see her cry, and yet…"

You wondered if it had been all in your head, the way she seemed to avoid you, the way she seemed to take you for granted, the way she seemed to merely tolerate you.

In the midst of a turbulent storm of emotions, a newfound sense of urgency propelled your every step. You needed to find Clint, you needed to find him so you could go back to her, to see if she was really deteriorating that much, to ask her if it was all in your head, if you got it wrong somehow, if she actually loved you.

Time seemed to both crawl and fly, leaving you with moments of self-reflection in the solitude of your journey. Doubts and insecurities waged war within you, tearing at the fabric of your clarity. What if you discovered that Natasha's love had been genuine, but she had struggled to express it? What if she was simply too freshly traumatized to express it, and you had abandoned her at her worst moment?

You needed to go back to her, even if it was just to figure it out. But you wouldn't go back without Clint, you couldn't.

So you searched, and searched, and searched. And as you finally stood before Clint, his weathered face bearing the marks of his own battles, you found yourself engulfed in a deep ache. Two of the people you loved the most were immersed in pain, and you could do nothing to help.

"I can't believe you traveled so far, came all the way here for this," Clint spat, his voice filled with anger, his eyes filled with tears. "To ask me to come back so I can help her. Do you even worry about me? Did you ever stop to think that I lost my family? My wife's gone, Y/N! I lost my kids! Do you really think that I'm not dealing with my own shit right now?"

You shook your head, tears welled up in your eyes too, matching the anguish in your voice. "Fuck you, Clint! I'm not here just for her and you know that! You're my best friend, goddamnit, and you've been gone for years! I know you're hurting, but you gotta know that what you're doing is wrong, and it's not gonna bring Laura and the kids back." You shook your head, remembering the way the kids would all call you auntie Y/N/N. You sighed and shook your head in disappointment. "They would actually be ashamed of what you became."

You knew it was a low blow, but it was the truth, and he needed to hear it

The moment he seemed to register those words, Clint's eyes became full of this sort of anger that you've never seen your friend display. But again, this wasn't Hawkeye, this was Ronin.

Clint advanced upon you with rage in his eyes, his hand went to your throat, a dagger suddenly pressing against your ribs.

"Take that back." He said through gritted teeth, and you felt your eyes filling with tears once again.

Of course he wasn't above hurting you like this. He, too, didn't care about your own pain.

You were tired, you were so fucking tired.

"Do it." You said, your voice devoid of emotions, the hollowness you now felt was all it conveyed. "It's not gonna make any difference if I'm gone, anyway."

You'd be just another death on his account, just a wisp of a memory in Natasha's mind.

Clint's brows furrowed, but his grip was unrelenting. You took your hands to his, the one holding the dagger, and pulled it up, so it wasn't resting above your ribs anymore, but right at your heart.

"Please," you said with a wavering voice, looking him deep in the eyes, trying to appeal no more to your friend, but to Ronin, "do it. Please."

The dagger clattered to the ground, Clint took a step away, looking at his hand as if it had personally offended him. He then looked at you, but you didn't meet his eyes, you were too absorbed looking at the dagger on the ground, feeling the brisk sense of freedom evading you as it finally stopped moving.

You then felt his arms around you, your head suddenly tucked into his neck.

"I'm so sorry," he said, his voice sounding desperate "I'm so sorry, Y/N, I'm so sorry," he kept repeating, and repeating, and repeating.

You shook your head, your own desperation making you cling to him "Why didn't you do it? Why couldn't you just kill me?!"

His arms tightened around you as you both fell to your knees.

"I'm sorry," he just repeated, "I'm sorry I took this path, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry I wasn't a good friend."

You wished that he being sorry was enough.

When you came back, there was a talk about fucking time travel. The Ant-guy was back, and so was Tony, Thor, and even Bruce. Everything seemed to be falling into place, so why did you still feel so…. broken?

But, somehow, as you and Clint stepped foot inside the Avengers compound, the familiar surroundings embraced you like a long-lost home. The tension that has seemed to permeate your very bones during the journey began to ease, replaced by a cautious hope for what awaited you.

You knew things wouldn’t instantly fix themselves up; Natasha wouldn’t just come to you and apologize for all she’s done (no, that wasn’t like her at all); your heart wouldn’t suddenly be mended, even if she did; your mind wouldn't let you forget the pain, the deep ache the past five years inflicted upon you.

And yet, there was hope.

There was the possibility of bringing Wanda back, of having Carol around more often, of doing something good for humanity. Of making Natasha happy again.

The moment the doors opened you saw her. She was talking to the Ant-guy and to Bruce, her brows furrowed as she nodded along.

And then she turned her head and caught sight of you, and of who was by your side. Her eyes widened in disbelief when she saw Clint standing there, and a glimmer of something flickered within them, something akin to hope, but also akin to sorrow. Without a second thought, she started walking in your direction, coming faster and faster until she was running.

When Natasha reached Clint, she threw her arms around him, pulling him into a long-awaited embrace. Tears pooled in her eyes, slowly streaming down her cheeks as she closed them.

There was a little lightness in your heart as you saw them hug, some sort of knowing that she'd be ok even if you weren't around anymore. She wouldn't starve herself, she wouldn't push everyone away, she wouldn't shut down. She'd survive, and then she'd move on.

In that moment, as Natasha clung to Clint, her teary eyes slowly opened. There, through the blur of her emotions, she looked right at you. And the gratitude that radiated from her gaze was palpable, as if a thousand unspoken words were contained within that single look.

Her hold on Clint loosened slightly as her eyes locked onto yours, lingering for a brief, intense moment. The world seemed to fade away, leaving only the two of you suspended in time as the weight of her gaze met yours. It felt as if the universe held its very breath, waiting for the next chapter to unfold.

You wished you could say you could feel her love through that gaze, but you didn't know if you could use that word to describe what Natasha felt for you. Maybe she regretted what she did; maybe you became her anchor, even if unbeknownst to you, and she felt like she needed you to function; maybe she felt like she owed you something for bringing Clint back. You didn't know what it was, but you couldn't shake the feeling that the word love would be the wrong one to describe her feelings for you. Gratitude, thankfulness, maybe, but not love.

You smiled a sad smile, and nodded your head in acknowledgment to the gratitude in her eyes.

Natasha furrowed her brows and pulled away from Clint as she saw you walking away from her, but before she could come after you, Clint caught her hand and walked towards the opposite direction. He wanted a conversation in private.

You just knew he was going to tear her a new one for what she did to you. During your journey back he had apologized more times than you could count, his words still engraved in your mind.

"I'll do whatever it takes to earn back your trust," he had vowed, his voice filled with determination. "I'll prove to you day after day that I care, that I value our friendship above all else. What happened the other day… it'll never happen again, I promise you that. I was too absorbed in my own pain, so much so that I hurt you, but I would never do that intentionally, Y/N. You're like a sister to me, I'd never willingly hurt you. I love you too much for that."

Maybe his love was real, but you didn't have it in yourself to just forgive and forget.

Maybe one day the gods would deem you worthy of love. True love, not the kind that hurts you.

"A soul for a soul" the Redskull said, turning the vast expense of cosmic beauty before you into something bleak, final. "You must sacrifice that which you love."

Your eyes wandered, drinking in the breathtaking scenery, the towering cliffs and cascading waterfalls; it seemed like a paradise carved from dreams.

But the words hanging in the air casted a somber shadow over the planet's beauty, and as you stood near its vibrant precipice, the weight of what had to be done pressed upon the three of you.

Destiny had brought you here, demanding a sacrifice.

It was a curse and a blessing all at once.

"If we don't get that stone, billions of people stay dead," Natasha stated, her voice tinged with determination, almost as if she was trying to keep herself strong.

Of course she'd want to be sacrificed, the selfless fool that she was.

Clint's gaze met hers, his eyes filled with a mixture of conflict and resignation. "Then I guess we both know who it's got to be," he replied, the weight of his words hanging heavily in the air. They didn't spare a single glance your way, it was almost as if they had mutually decided that you were to live.

A subtle sadness washed over Natasha's features as she nodded in agreement. "I guess we do."

You closed your eyes. You had been wanting this for so long, you had craved the peace I'd bring, you had fantasized about it, about closing your eyes and never opening them again.

And yet… you found yourself wanting to cling to life with an unwavering grip.

As Clint and Natasha looked at each other, you found yourself wanting to greet Laura, Lila, Coop and Nate when they came back, you found yourself wanting to have a nice day out with Yelena. You found yourself wanting to embrace Wanda and never let her go.

It hurt to know you wouldn't be able to do any of that.

"I'm starting to think we mean different people here, Natasha." Clint said then, his voice wavering slightly.

For a moment, Natasha's gaze lingered on Clint, her eyes reflecting the depth of her conviction. "For the last five years, I've been trying to do one thing: get to right here," she confessed. "That's all it's been about. Bringing everybody back."

She looked at you then, her eyes brimming with tears "I was so focused on it that I drove away the one person I had promised myself never to hurt.",

You couldn't look her in the eye, you couldn't let her see your decision through your gaze.

Clint's shoulders seemed to sag, you could see the self-blame he felt right through his eyes, even if they were focused on Nat. "And that's why it gotta be me. You spent all this time trying to help what was left of the world. Me… you know what I've done. You know what I've become." He shook his head, his eyes turning to you as well "If you haven't gotten to me, I'd still be killing an untold number of people without a care for who it'd hurt."

"Well," you said, shrugging, trying to lighten the mood a little "I don't judge people on their worst mistakes." There was no point in holding grudges anymore.

"Neither do I." Natasha said, looking at him. Her eyes turned to you then, full of sadness, longing , and regret. "I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me."

You walked towards her and pulled her in by the hand, your forehead resting against hers.

"I love you, Nat. You've been forgiven since day one." You said.

Natasha's tears streamed down her cheeks as she buried her face in the crook of your neck.

You saw from the corner of your eye Clint taking a step back, as if to go to the cliff. You extended your hand to him as well. He stopped in his tracks and took a couple steps in your direction, taking your hand in his.

He smiled a sad smile, his eyes red. "Tell my family I love them" he said, and tried to pull his hand away, but you gripped it with all the strength you had.

"Tell them yourself," Natasha said, pulling away from you as well.

You sighed, your eyes burning with unshed tears. You didn't want to die anymore. You wanted to live.

But you couldn't let them sacrifice themselves.

You ripped the bracelet Tony made from your wrist. It clattered on the ground. Natasha and Clint's eyes widened, almost as if they hadn't even thought of the possibility of you being the one to jump.

You felt an unbearable heat rising up from inside out, your lungs burned, your chest, your torso, your whole body.

"Y/N what the hell are you doing?!?" Natasha yelled out, trying to get to the bracelet on the floor, but the burning winds that seemed to suddenly emanate from you wouldn't let her get closer.

"Take care of each other. And of Wanda and Carol. That 's all I ask." You said, your voice no longer solely yours.

You saw a rising shadow on the ground, signaling the presence of wings on your back. Blood red wings engulfed in flames. The Phoenix's wings.

Clint was rooted to the ground, your power vicious enough to paralyze those of weaker minds.

Natasha, though? She was fighting to get to you, the winds clearly burning her skin, yet she didn't give up. You turned away from her, not wanting to see her struggle.

It was a short walk to the edge of the cliff, you didn't want to look back. If you said goodbye it'd make it feel more real. So you just jumped.

And then you felt her hand on your wrist, the searing heat making her skin burn, and yet, she didn't let go.

"No, please. Not you." She cried, and even with tear stained cheeks she was the most beautiful woman you've ever seen "I can't lose you like this. The world can't lose you. You're the only one of us that really deserves to live life to its full potential."

And then, as if her touch made your power purr in her presence, Clint broke free, running to where you were dangling and taking your other wrist in his hands.

This was hurting them, both physically and mentally, you saw the skin on their hands blistering, you saw the redness in their arms, the tears in their eyes not just from the pain.

"Let me go," you said with a sad smile. They had their families, they had their jobs, their missions; their homes.

You had nothing, all you did was take up too much space or time. They deserved to live, even if you left them in ruins.

"It's not gonna work!" Natasha shouted in desperation, her expression one of pure anguish "I don't love you! It's not gonna work!"

You smiled sadly at her. She really didn't love you, did she? She just tolerated you.

"It 's ok, Natty. It'll work. You may not love me, but Clint does " you said, smiling at her through your own tears.

"Y/N, please, don't do this," Clint begged too, sobbing as he held onto you with all his strength.

"It's ok," you repeated, and if it was to calm them or yourself , you didn't know, "it's gonna be ok".

You used whatever little control you had over your powers to push them away. As your body tumbled to the ground the last thing you remembered was the way Natasha used to laugh at your jokes, enjoy your food, take you out on dates. The last thing you remembered was how she used to love your presence, and not just tolerate it.

Maybe one day someone would be enough to have their love celebrated by her.

When Natasha and Clint woke up not much later in a galaxy colored lake, she clutched the stone that had appeared in her hands, wishing with all her might that it turned out different, that the last words she said to you weren't "I don't love you."

She loved you. Always did. Always would.

Wanda sat in front of your gravestone, her hair disheveled, her eyes red shot, her cheeks tear stained. She hugged her knees as she sobbed, longing for the presence of who could no longer be by her side. She had lost her parents, then Pietro, Vision, and now you.

She sobbed more and more, the pitiful sound getting louder.

She felt a hand on her shoulder then, and she looked up to see red shot brown eyes.

Carol sat beside her, taking her hand and squeezing it a little.

She understood what Wanda was going through, she was grieving you as well, and even though Wanda and Vision were planning on starting a life together, the witch suspected the Captain wouldn't have said no if you'd asked the same thing from her. So she, too, lost her love, even if she never got the courage to confess it.

It was a hot day, the sunlight shone perpendicular through the clearing where your grave has been put, creating a magical scenery all around the place.

And yes, the day was hot, but was it supposed to be this hot?

Wanda shook her head, her brows starting to sweat.

And then the sunlight vanished, as if something gigantic was blocking its path. She and Carol looked up, but all they could see were the trees blocking the sky from view.

The animalistic cry they heard didn't come from the trees, though.

Neither did the blood red feather falling through the leaves, its tip engulfed in fire.

Wanda and Carol looked at each other, and for the first time in weeks, they smiled.

Natasha Romanoff Taglist: @strangegardentaco, @madamevirgo, @Lovelyy-moonlight, @agent99galanzo, @red1culous

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onigiriico · 7 months

Text

Mikoto audio drama (t2) - English TL

[ links: Spotify | YouTube ]

Mikoto-ing again 🫡 I know I say this like every other post, but I 100% recommend listening to the audio alongside the translation! On one hand the VAs just did an amazing job on this, and on the other hand I also feel like it'll. probably make the switches more obvious than I can convey in text lol

Little disclaimer about the way I translated the DID terminology here: I know the correct term in English is "alter", but in the JP audio they're consistently referred to as "personalities" (人格 / jinkaku) while the closest Japanese equivalent to "alter" seems to be 自我 / jiga, from what I could find. I generally try to stick as closely to the JP terminology with my translations as possible, so I mostly went with "personality". I really don't want to offend anyone here so I hope that's a somewhat okay choice ahshbsdj

Okay. Okay that got lengthy. As usual, if you find any mistranslations, have questions, etc etc feel free to send me an ask or hit me up on Twitter where I drop by, like, once a month 😅 And now without further ado:

⬇️ translation under the cut ⬇️

(Es enters)

E: Mikoto…

M: Ah… Hi, Warden-kun.

E: You… are Mikoto, right?

M: Uh… What are you talking about? It really feels like it’s been a while, doesn’it? How have you been? – Huh? What’s that…? Chains? Oh, no. Take them off!

E: I refuse. You’re too dangerous. Physical restrictions are necessary.

M: Umm… (laughs) What are you saying, restricting someone who can’t even hurt a fly?

E: You really aren’t aware, huh…

M: Well, I mean… I do get it. I… go out of control while I’m asleep, right?

E: …

M: The others told me about it. How I got into a fistfight with Koto-chan and whatnot.

E: Seems like it, yeah.

M: I wonder if it’s like… some kind of sleepwalking…? After all, I’ve been losing sleep more and more often recently… Man… It’s really troublesome, isn’t it?

E: Mikoto…

M: The others are all scared of me. I can tell by looking at the way they act. Because I read the room.

E: …

M: It’s pretty tough, isn’t it? (laughs) Ever since I came here, so much has been happening that I don’t understand…

E: … You really… do laugh when you’re suffering, huh?

M: Huh?

E: You don’t get angry. You don’t scream. You laugh, like it’s a minor inconvenience.

M: Ah… I guess so. I might have that kind of trait.

E: …

M: Usually, if you just laugh and pretend, things work out in the end, right? I’m pretty good at that. Making things work out to the best of my abilities.

E: Is that so…

M: (laughs) …But… it’s not coming to an end. All of this. With things I’ve never even heard before, the whole ti—

E: …

M: —the whole time… I have to make all these irritating experiences…!

E: You came out, huh.

M: Hey. Looks like you haven’t gotten a beating yet, Warden brat.

E: …!

M: Hah? What, are you scared?

E: Like you didn’t get beaten by Kotoko…!

M: Hah. That was just because she caught me off guard. We went at it again while you were asleep, and it’s not like I lost there.

E: Multiple personalities… Am I right with the assumption that the you I’m talking to right now is another personality of Mikoto’s?

M: Well, I guess that’s about right.

E: I see. What do you want me to call you?

M: Huh? You’re accepting this pretty readily, aren’t you. Wouldn’t the whole multiple personalities thing normally raise some eyebrows?

E: Yeah. I also didn’t think it was real, at first.

M: Figures. If it wasn’t me, I wouldn’t believe it either. I’d just think it’s a lie someone came up with to get away with murder.

E: But Milgram acknowledges that [it is real] in your case. I simply accept that as the truth, and develop my thoughts from there. So? What do you want me to call you? Your name.

M: No clue about that. Just call me whatever.

E: … For convenience, I’ll be calling you John.

M: Sounds like a dog’s name.

E: It’s derived from John Doe, the name given to unidentified bodies. Do you like it?

M: Can’t say I’m very fond of the way you’re flaunting your knowledge.

E: … Anyway. You’re acting pretty calm today, aren’t you? I thought of you more like a monster of some sort. I wasn’t expecting to have such a proper conversation with you.

M: Don’t get cocky! If not for these chains, I would’ve beaten your face in by now, brat.

E: Ohh, scary, scary.

M: Hmph.

E: John, you are not a prisoner of Milgram. The fact that Milgram’s usual restraints are ineffective against you is more proof for that than anything. Milgram has judged that Mikoto is the prisoner, and you, as his alter, are an exception.

M: Huhh, I see. So that’s why you believe that there’s multiple personalities.

E: That’s why I thought I would try and talk to you as a key witness today. I’m rather glad that you’re being cooperative.

M: But, you know… This isn’t a good thing, probably.

E: What do you mean?

M: I (boku) might be trying to disappear.

E: …

M: Evidently, the time I (ore) have been fronting has been getting longer, so this “me” has been able to stabilize. Isn’t that the reason we can talk properly?

E: …

M: If I had stayed a monster… maybe that would be better.

E: …

M: What?

E: You’ve turned out to be much more rational than I expected… I’m surprised.

M: I’m a university graduate, after all.

E: (sighs)

M: As for alters… Why do you think they’re born?

E: In precise terms, it’s called dissociative identity disorder – generally speaking, [it refers to] when a person experiences severe pain or stress, and a new personality is created to try and isolate [the original personality] from the resulting trauma.

M: Yeah. I… probably come out to ease the stress Boku experiences. The fact that I come out for longer just means that Boku is constantly under extreme stress.

E: Stress… Namely the environment of Milgram, right?

M: Right. Especially the fact that you judged against forgiving Boku is causing a lot of stress. That’s why he’s entrusting me with his heart.

E: I see.

M: Not like I can blame him. From his point of view, he’s being blamed for a crime he can’t even remember.

E: If that’s the truth, then… you’re the one who committed the murder?

M: Yeah, it’s me. I killed them off.

E: …

M: So Boku really didn’t do it.

E: Can I ask… why you killed them?

M: They annoyed me.

E: Who did you kill?

M: Just someone who was walking around nearby.

E: … How many did you kill?

M: Can’t remember. I was first born back then, you know. It’s kinda fuzzy.

E: How can you talk about that so calmly?

M: (sighs) According to the law, how would this go for Boku?

E: With a psychiatric evaluation, there’s a chance of a reduced sentence, but depending on the number of victims… the death penalty might be inevitable.

M: …! I– I’m the one who did it! Boku was just sleeping!

E: Is this really something that works that conveniently?

M: Just put yourself in Boku’s shoes for a moment! He was bottling up all his stress! He kept dealing with it all by himself the whole time, until it exploded! It’s not like he just decided that he wanted to hurt somebody!

E: …

M: He’s not the type of person who could do stuff like that! He always looks out for others, always reads the room, always tries to get along with people around him! He can’t do stuff like that… He was on the verge of exploding! That’s why I was born. It’s obvious, isn’t it? Boku didn’t do anything!

E: Even if that’s true… Even if it wasn’t what Mikoto wanted – someone’s life was still lost.

M: …!

E: Even if it was you, John, who was in [your body at the time] – there’s no way for you to prove that. At the very least not in a way that would be accepted in court. It could still be judged that you’re pretending—

M: You…!! What do you think?

E: I…?

M: I’m the one who did it! Boku didn’t do it! You know that because of Milgram! I don’t care about the law, I want to know what you think!

E: …

M: Please… forgive Boku. I’m the one who did it.

E: … I can’t… judge that right away. It’s not something that I can easily decide to forgive. In fact, Mikoto’s mental footage was so violent… it’s unforgivable. That’s how I judged.

M: That could also just be a fake or owed to the multiple personalities, right?! Boku really isn’t at fault! I’m the one who killed them!

E: …

M: Are you really satisfied [with the unforgiven judgment]? He turned into a murderer overnight!

E: What you did could still be considered a sin, though!

M: …! … I think… I might be the person Boku wishes he was. The person who stubbornly stands his ground, who doesn’t cry himself to sleep from stress, who gives people their payback. If I, the “ore” personality, hadn’t been born, I’m sure Boku would have reached his limit and fallen apart.

E: John… you…

M: It’s true that I was the one who wanted to destroy everything… and the weakness of Boku, who couldn’t stand up for himself all alone, might have been the origin of that. But… that’s all there is to it. Is that a sin?

E: I’ll be considering that after this.

M: After talking to you, I get that you couldn’t forgive what I did. And I’m fine with that.

E: …Yeah. That’s right.

M: The one Milgram is supposed to judge is Boku – Mikoto, right. He’s not me – so, not John.

E: Precisely.

M: Please, forgive Boku. If you don’t… I’m sure he won’t be able to deal with this any longer.

E: “A sin committed by another personality isn’t a sin”... you’re telling me that’s how I should judge?

M: Yeah. If you forgive Boku… I’ll disappear.

E: …

M: That’s right. I’ll have to disappear eventually, anyway… Disappear, and take all of it with me. I… was born to protect Boku, after all.

E: You were… born for it…

M: Yeah. If it’s for Boku, I’ll… do anything.

(machinery whirrs, bell rings)

E: John…

M: W…what? A dog’s name?

E: Mikoto…?

M: Warden-kun, you own a dog? What breed? No, wait, let me try guessing first– A toy poodle? Actually, maybe you surprisingly prefer the ugly-cute kind… like a French bulldog!

E: … No…

M: A pug, then?

E: It’s not the name of a dog!

M: Ehh… Then what…?

E: … It’s the name of your… friend.

M: (laughs) I don’t know anyone like that~

E: … I bet you don’t.

M: Huh…?

E: Prisoner no.9, Mikoto. Sing your sins.

#milgram #milgram music videos #mikoto kayano #milgram mikoto #milgram es #translation #fan translation #I'm crying can't every Milgram vd be this quick to translate /hj

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thefallennightmare · 7 months

Text

Miracle-six

*gif created by me(thefallennightmare) feel free to use, simply give credit*

Pairings: Noah Sebastian x Reader

Warnings/Tropes: forced proximity, slight enemies to lovers, slow burn, smut, angst, fluff, mentions of death, and swearing.

Summary: Reader is the merch girl for Bad Omens. It wasn't what she wanted to do with her life but when her mother got sick with Alzheimer's, reader took a job where she could to help with the costs. She thought it would be a one-time gig but the longer she was on the road with them, the harder she fell for Noah Sebastian; even if he wanted nothing to do with her. She needed a miracle to save her mom and her future.

Author Note: Possibly the last one for tonight but we'll see!

Tags: @ada-clarence @nonamessblog @thescarlettvvitch @malice-ov-mercy @crimson-calligraphyx @theoneandonlykymberlee @yumikitten @blackveilomens @cherrymedicine13 @thebadchic @notmaddihealy @jay02bo @beaker1636 @jakekiszkasguitarpick @punk-pr1ncessxoxo @er3nslovergirl @iamdesolate @lma1986 @jessitpwk @themodern-daywednesday

Things were different; weird.

It's been a few days since our time at the Airbnb and Noah's barely acknowledged what happened between us. And instead of avoiding me, he was always there. Before when I entered a room, he would find some excuse to leave, me doing the same. Now when I walk into a room or place he was in, he watches me with intense eyes. Not that I was complaining if I was being honest. But what happened between us still didn't excuse his previous attitude towards me. I'd done nothing to deserve his cold shoulder, and I planned to make sure he knew that if we continued this.

No, I rapidly shook my head. That was a one-time thing.

With a sigh, I kept my attention on finishing setting up the merch booth while the guys were on stage for a sound check. I bobbed my head along to the beat Folio smashed on his guitars, the opening to Artificial Suicide echoing loudly in the empty space. Thankfully, this venue had space for me to set up the booth in the main area so I could watch the show tonight.

As confusing as our relationship, if you could call it that, was. I still loved watching Bad Omens. They were electrifying on stage.

When Noah's voice came through the speakers, I cringed and turned on my heels to watch. He cleared his throat, the music halting before he threw his thumb in a circle showing that they started it from the top. They did and the same thing happened; Noah's voice cracked and sounded as if he was losing it.

"How does it sound, Y/N?" He asked into the microphone.

I walked closer to the stage with my face screwed up so I didn't have to yell. "Do you want the truth?"

"I wouldn't expect anything else from you."

That made me chuckle but then let out a deep sigh.

"You sound like shit, Noah. What's going on?" I stuck my hands in the back pockets of my jeans and put all of my weight on my left foot, cocking a hip out.

Noah sighed while handing the microphone to one stagehand before sitting on the edge of the stage, his long legs dangling off. I was a few feet in front of him and ignored the way my brain screamed at me to slink between them.

"I woke up this morning with a sore throat and thought it'd get better by now," he ran a hand through his hair.

Matt sighed next to me; stress clear on his face. "We've got about six hours until your set. Why don't you rest your voice until then. We can cover the rest of the sound check without you."

"You sure?"

Nick clasped a hand on Noah's shoulder and nodded. "We got it."

While they all conversed about what to do, an idea sprung to mind and I pulled out my phone to look up the nearest coffee shop. Thinking no one noticed, I slipped away from them while sending a text to Davis, who was still at the hotel, to see if he could finish setting up for me.

"Where are you going?"

Turning around, I noticed Noah followed me. I gave him a stern look, him already forgetting Matt's orders not to talk.

"You're not supposed to talk," I reminded him.

He rolled his eyes then whipped out his phone and typed something on his notes app before showing me; he asked again where I was going.

"I was going to get you a tea to help soothe your throat," I said, suddenly nervous that the gesture might have seemed too much coming from me.

Noah's mouth curved into a smile and motioned for me to follow, him clearly coming with me.

"Are you sure that's a good idea? There's a line outside, you're bound to be seen."

I'm sure he knew that but I wasn't worried someone would see him alone. I was worried he'd be seen with me. After almost a year working for Bad Omens, I'd done a pretty good job and not to be seen with them out in public. Of course, in group settings, it was harder, with fans snapping pictures of us when we walked around the town, we were sightseeing. But now, alone with Noah, I couldn't fathom what people would say if they saw the two of us. Fans knew I was the merch girl so maybe they'd think we were just grabbing coffee for everyone else.

That's exactly what you're doing. No need to overthink things.

Noah led us out the back where fans weren't allowed and when I told him where the shop was, we began walking in stride there. We didn't speak, the silence something we were used to between us, but every once in a while, our hands would brush together. A spark of heat and electricity shot through me every time. Something I knew Noah felt as well because, at one point, his fingers brushed against the inside of my wrist, on purpose.

As the shop came into view, we noticed there was a small group of people hanging around outside; all wearing Bad Omens merch. The two of us came to a halt, and I peered up at Noah, seeing what he wanted to do. He shrugged before typing something on his phone and showing me the screen.

Can't hurt to talk for a few minutes, right?

I narrowed my eyes at him, debating whether this was a good idea.

"If I get any flak from Matt because I let you talk and your voice gets worse, I'll kick your ass," I pointed at him.

Something dark flashed across Noah's eyes and he licked his lips, typing a new message.

Sounds like a deal, angel.

Ignoring the way my insides burned at the pet name, I told him I would be right back while he socialized with the fans. As I stepped inside, the group of fans started muttering under their breath that 'the Noah Sebastian' was standing right in front of them. The wait for the tea wasn't that long and as I waited, my eyes dared a glance outside to see Noah finishing up taking some pictures with the fans. As if he felt me staring, his eyes locked with mine and gave a small wave.

An action one fan noticed then followed Noah's gaze, landing right on me.

With a start, I turned back to the counter when my name was called and took the tea with a smile. By the time I made it back outside, Noah was alone, leaning up against the wall of the building.

I handed him the tea. "I don't think it will cure you completely but maybe enough for tonight's show."

Noah nodded his thanks and soon we began the short walk back to the venue, in silence. Thankfully, he was not speaking to save his voice because I wasn't sure what we would talk about. Clearly, we were supposed to think what happened that night didn't, and I was glad to do that.

Was I?

I couldn't dwell on the question for long because my phone buzzed in my pocket. Expecting it to be Matt wondering where I ran off to with the vocalist, it surprised me to see my mom calling. She never called me on her phone. When we did talk, which was rare nowadays, it was when Lana called me.

With a soft hand on Noah's forearm, I pulled him to a stop.

"Give me a minute?" I asked.

He nodded, so I took a few steps away to give myself some privacy.

"Mom?" I asked once I answered.

"Yes, I'd like to report a break in."

My heart rate intensified hearing her calm, eerie voice. It wasn't anything I'd heard before which made me wonder what the fuck was going on.

"Mom, it's me. Y/N. What's going on?"

"There's a lady in my house trying to give me medication. I told her I don't need it but she said it'll help me."

I pinched my eyes shut while letting out a shaky breath. I could practically feel Noah's eyes gazing at me but ignored him; right now, my mom needed me.

"Mom, that's Lana. Your nurse," I spoke low into the phone so Noah couldn't hear me. "We've been through this, it will help you."

"NO! She said it will make me go to sleep. I don't want that."

I bit my lip, trying not to break down. It had been a good couple of days for both my mom and I, now everything was slowly turning to shit once again.

"Just take it, alright? For me?" I begged.

"Who are you?"

It wasn't the first time she questioned who I was but every time; it chipped away at my heart. Having your own mother forget who you were was a different kind of pain. There was some rustling on the other end, a struggle almost as I heard Lana grunting and my mom yelling obscenities to her. For a split second, I almost told Noah I had to leave but when Lana's calm voice came through the speaker, it erased that thought from my mind.

"Hi dear," she breathed into the phone. "How are things?"

I scoffed. "Really? That's how you answer the phone? What the fuck is going on?"

"I promise its nothing-."

"I swear to the Gods, Lana if you say its nothing you can't handle I'm going to fucking loose it," I spat through gritted teeth.

Every single phone call, Lana would tell me her version of the day but end it with 'nothing she couldn't handle'. I was tired of hearing it; I demanded to know the truth.

By now, Noah had come around to face me, a wondering spark in his eyes.

"Everything alright?" He mouthed.

I nodded with a sigh before turning slightly away from him.

"It's been a terrible day, dear. Your mother is getting worse, and she really needs to go to a facility where they're better equipt to handle this."

Tears burned in my eyes, and I hastily wiped them away with the back of my hand. This was not a conversation I would have with Lana over the phone.

"I know," I spoke out in a deep breath. "I have a few more weeks left and when I'm home, we can talk about it."

There was a long beat of silence on the other end that I almost checked to see if Lana hung up.

"I really hate bothering you, Y/N. You deserve this time away because of how tired you were from taking care of your mother. You're too young to deal with this on your own."

My heart warmed at Lana's words, and finally, a lone tear rolled over my cheek. Noah reached out with his thumb to brush it away and I instinctively leaned into it, not realizing how badly I needed it.

"I have to go. Whatever happens, no matter the time, please call me."

"Of course, dear."

I stared blankly at the black screen, replaying everything that happened and knowing that eventually I'd have to decide. I kept my mom at home because I thought she would remember things easier, all the memories we made but maybe it was only making things worse for her. I knew I was being selfish letting Lana deal with everything on her own while I was hundreds of miles away living my life.

Would she even let me back to help? She already told me I didn't deserve to deal with it on my own.

"Hey," Noah cupped my cheek. "What's going on?"

His voice was quiet so he wouldn't strain it.

I sniffled while refusing to meet his gaze. Even if he heard the conversation, I wasn't ready to talk about my mom yet; if ever.

"I don't want to talk about it," I shook my head in his grasp. "Please."

His thumb lifted my chin so I had no choice but to look at him as his eyes darted back and forth between mine as if he was searching for something. Eventually, he nodded but kept his grip on my face.

"Alright, but I'm here if you change your mind," he assured me.

"Why? What's different now?"

The question tumbled out of my mouth before I could even stop it. Noah let out a deep sigh before stepping away from me and letting his hand fall from my face.

"I-It's hard to explain."

I chuckled darkly and extended my hands to the side, a silent way of telling him I had the time to listen. But Noah said nothing, only gripped his tea tighter in one hand while the other ran over his face.

"Forget it," I mumbled. "You shouldn't even be talking. Matt would kill me if you lost your voice because of me. Can we just head back to the venue?"

Reluctantly, Noah nodded, and with that, I turned my back to him as I walked away.

A quick yawn fell from my lips as I loaded the last box of merch into the truck. It was a very long night and with his vocal rest and tea, Noah was able to perform tonight; not how he usually does, but no one noticed. Since I had been incredibly busy all night, I didn't have time to think about my mom but now as I walked back inside the venue, I couldn't help but think of her.

Was I a terrible daughter for leaving her?

Would she ever forgive me?

Would she ever remember me?

All the doctors and specialists I spoke to said never to think of that question, it only made things worse in the end. You couldn't dwell on the what ifs or the bad with Alzheimers, you had to relish in the good times.

A warm body slide up to me as I was aimless walking the back halls of the venue and I saw Folio smiling at me.

"I'd figure you left," I said.

"We're all still here having drinks in the green room. We couldn't find you so I came looking," he explained.

I tossed a thumb over my shoulder. "I was packing up the truck."

"Well, I've got some bad news."

That made me pull him to a stop, worry etched deep into my bones. "What is it?"

"Some members of the crew wanted to get a head start to the next city and left already. They were going to ask you if you wanted to go with them but no one could find you. I told them to go ahead, and you'd ride with us. I already grabbed your things from their bus."

I didn't know how to feel. Obviously, I wasn't mad for being left behind and I was thankful Folio thought to grab my things. I did, however, feel apprehensive about being on the same bus as Noah. Now there was nowhere to run. At least at the venues, there was a decent amount of space between us. But the small confines of the tour bus, it was inevitable it would force us to be together. Our little trip to the coffee shop earlier proved that there was still tension between us.

It didn't help that neither of us talked about what happened at the Airbnb.

I gave Folio's hand a squeeze. "Thanks."

"Come on," Folio pulled me along to the green room.

A part of me wanted to fight, the thought of crawling into my bunk on the bus sounded better but I knew right now I needed a distraction. We walked through the door seeing Nick, Jolly, and Noah in the room.

"I feel as if this is a Bad Omens only meeting," I laughed towards Folio.

He simply ruffled my hair before sitting on the couch next to Nick.

Noah was standing in front of a mirror in the room trying to undo his ear in's but he couldn't quite reach so I walked up behind him and removed them for him.

"Thanks," he said while taking them from me.

All I did was nod and was ready to sit on the couch until his hand grasped my wrist, stopping me.

"How are you doing?" Noah asked.

When we came back to the venue earlier, he tried to ask one more time what happened on my phone call but I denied him again.

"I'm fine."

I didn't mean to be cold towards him but I was exhausted after a long day, the last thing I wanted was to be asked if I was alright. I just wanted to forget. So I sat next to Jolly on the couch and actually thought about it when he offered me a beer. I said I drank little, depending on the situation, but after the day I had; more so the year, I accepted the beer with a smile of thanks.

Noah sat on the couch across from me and gave me a look that screamed apprehension.

I took a pretty large drink before setting it on the table in front of me.

"Don't worry, Noah. I won't get drunk and make you carry me back to the bus," the tone in my voice was icy.

Guilt ate away at me because there was no need for me to sound like that but the last thing I needed right now was to be judge. Especially from Noah.

"It's not that," he hesitated, thinking if he should have continued and ultimately decided not too.

I, however, was in a feisty mood so I pressed on. "What is it then? You don't want me drinking on the job?"

"Or is it an embarrasment having me drunk around you guys? Is that why you're holding that night in Chicago over my head."

Noah had a pinched expression, and his shoulders were rigid with annoyance. His knee bounced widely before he abruptly sat up from the couch and walked to the other end of the room, clearly needing a moment to cool off.

I wanted to follow to continue giving him a piece of my mind but Nick held up a hand to stop me.

"Do you even remember what happened in Chicago that night, Y/N?"

"Barley. There was this married guy flirting with me all night and when I found that out, it hit me hard so I drank," I answered Nick.

It was Jolly who spoke next. "Noah found you outside with that guy as he was trying to force you into his car. He claimed the two of you were supposed to head back to your hotel room together."

My face paled realizing what exactly Jolly was saying.

"I definitely did not have plans to go back to my hotel room with him," I informed them.

"Noah knew, so he was able to get you away from that guy," Folio finished.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. That was the reason Noah held a grudge against me for that night. But that made little sense; if he saved me from whatever that asshole had planned, why did it make him so cold towards me?

"Why?" I asked while looking at him.

"You'd think I'd let you get into a car with some random asshole while you're drunk?" Noah snapped.

"No, of course not. But I don't understand why you're holding that night over my head. None of it was my fault," I defended.

Noah's jaw tightened. "I never said it was."

Suddenly, it all clicked into place. Seeing me almost put myself in danger made him so upset with me. I will be the first to admit, when I got drunk I didn't make the best choices. Hence why I decided against drinking all the time. It still didn't excuse the way he acted the way he did, but it explained why. Maybe now we could move past that night and enjoy the rest of the tour without the heated tension.

I stood to my feet and walked into his open embrace, wrapping my arms tightly around his back while laying my head against his chest.

"Thank you," I said softly.

Noah tensed for a moment before his own arms snaked around me, laying his chin on top of my head.

"You never have to thank me, angel."

#noah sebastian #noah sebastian and reader #noah sebastian x reader #noah sebastian reader insert #noah sebastian smut #forced proximity #enemies to lovers #slow burn

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samodivaa · 11 months

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Deny the truth,set my world on fire (Part 3)

Bucky Barnes x Reader (Winter Soldier x Reader)

He knew that she was having an affair...she denies, but the love marks on her body are still there. She can't tell him the truth, it will break him - the Winter Soldier is indeed inside of him, fucking her at night and Bucky doesn't remember. Part 1⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ Part 2 ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆* Part 4⋆*･ﾟ:⋆* Music --- Vivaldi - Winter (L'inverno) Quotes - Fyodor Dostoevsky └── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──┘ Warnings - heavy ANGST, mention of murder, non-con

youtube

Listened to it on repeat until i finished the chapter. Enjoy. ✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧ Calm, boring days, an unknown future, and an irregular sleep, the days pass and nothing new. The absence of knowledge is the presence of paranoia – she crumbles mentally. It's been happening for so long – it is all that is happening, over and over again. She is full of fear, leading to feeling grief. Her life, a tragedy, a land of devastation and destruction. All the bright, precious things of Bucky fade so fast – in the end, memories are all she keeps. It makes her tremble to think back, to remember how she thought their life would be. Her greatest regret – believing so much in their future. She used to build dreams about Bucky and now she can’t believe if she will ever do it again - she treads the icy path between Spring and Winter, slowly and cautiously, for fear of tripping and falling into the snow again, for fear of losing her dearest Spring. She feels the chill north winds coursing through her home, despite the locked and bolted doors…this is Winter, which nonetheless brings it's own delight – after Winter, Spring always comes next.

She spend so much time in my head and in her heart that she forgets to live in her body, not hearing someone entering.

“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”

She blinks at that line of the book, her mind lingering once again to Bucky…but when is a monster not a monster – oh, when you are the reason, it has become mangled…she remembers when those eyes said love loudly, now these walls so quietly shift towards her as he leans on the door frame stealthy, still not alerting her. She puts the book aside, deciding to wash her dishes – her vast inner solitude poisoning her whole existence, there is no dignity in loneliness. The worst moment, when sitting alone at dinner, she has forgotten the ocean eyes, the depth of his laugh, it all had faded into into the past, where memories are silent.

Winter brushes his hands along the hardwood of the door, tentatively waiting for a sign that she had noticed him in the doorway. Three knocks follow on the wooden frame and her shoulders are already quavering, he once again craved a bullet with her name on it, burning Bucky down and in the ashes left behind – coming to burn her.

She glances at the door behind her as she holds her arms wrapped around herself before turning around to face him. Winter seems so human with his genuine smile, nodding slowly when his presence is finally acknowledged. Rage explodes inside, fire rushing over her skin. Winter’s face is flooding with color by then, and she finds that the sight makes her feel refreshingly nostalgic – the shades of Bucky somehow showing.

Dem light plays upon his face, revealing gleaming eyes, a mouth pulled into a grin. Stillness wraps her up in a cold embrace, a chill running down her body as he speaks.

„I warned you and you didn’t listen“

Winter shifts closer, caging her to the counter.

"Oh no…“ she whispers brokenly.

She brakes into a sob she could not contain, hands wrestled free from his grasp and worked their way to shield herself. He grips her hips, drawing her close, and roughly presses his mouth to the soft, swollen lips. Soldat longed for her for so long, dreamed of it as one would of an impossible journey to the moon, and now? How would he ever let her go?

The winters are becoming longer, very monotonous. Spring does come eventually, but it feels so short, looking back – it is not much more than a coupe of days.

He steps back, his fist unclenching, urging her to see – Walker’s work badge. All of her paranoia which played complicated possible outcomes - what an utterly incomprehensible thing has happened - without delay, Winter plucks every vibrating string in her mind by choosing to mock her.

„I warned you“

„You fucking monster what have you done?! I hate you so much I wish they never created you! I want you gone so much it hurts.“

His heart becomes a shriveled rose, poisoned with death and petals fall with every word from her mouth, sending him into a bottomless pit of anger.

„I will tell him, I will tell Bucky the tru-“

If once one has recognized the truth and seen it, you know that it is the truth and that there is no other and there cannot be, whether you are asleep or awake.

The melodious ringing sounds of Bucky’s dog tag chimes deep into her soul – as he holds them in front of her – as if a funeral bell is ringing, pealing for one a last farewell.

„Bucky is no longer“ dressed in all black, he is giving the eulogy „We can bury him together“ he says with the intend to drop them on the floor, but she catches them.

Up in her conscience, it's making her nauseous, she shifts backwards momentarily, but there is no where to run. Instinctively, Winter tightens his hold on her waist, though he neither pushes her away nor pulls her closer – just grounds her in place when she tries to slide to the floor.

„No…it can’t be, I don’t believe it“ comes her unenlightening, despondent response.

„He never picked up the phone that day. It was me, doll“

Now it all began to fall into place. A poor, beautiful, tragic fool - he had thrown her hope away on a moment's false illusion, and she was paying dearly for it. With her hope, her love, her soul.

„No, you are lying“ she whispers brokenly, her voice trembling. She blinks at him, her eyes enormous pools of misery with wetness clinging to the lashes and collecting in the tender indentation above her top lip.

„Stop crying “ he licks the hollow of her throat. "It is getting annoying“ a long, slow lick up her throat "…цветок“ (flower)

And if it frightens and torments her to think of Bucky and the simplicity and silence that accompanies him – she still believes in the illusion that he is there, it’s life-giving.

His left hand slides up gently to cup her chin as he leans in and kisses her once more, and with all her strength that she could find, she slaps him across the face, forcing it to turn to the side. He murmurs her name low. She whispers „no’s“. Winter presses himself close, giving a hollow bark of laughter as his angry gaze searches hers. He feels the trembling woman in his arms, her breathing shallow and uneven, clearly overcome with emotions.

„Тебе лучше, моя куколка?“ (Feeling better, my doll?)

„Don’t you dare call me that“

From the desert of Bucky’s abandoned love, he dares mock her pain. Winter stares her down, watching every reaction as his hands memorizes her curves, groaning, his fingers clawing at her back and quite possibly tearing her shirt.

Bucky dreams - the trees, stripped of all foliage, are white and bone-dry, twisted and curved like desiccated skeletons. Smoke drifts up from the scorched soil that crunches under his feet. In the distance, there’s a hill where, on the other side, y/n stands waving at him. He quickens his steps. She is calling for him, her voice distant, desperate.

The smoke beneath his feet thickens, he is choking as he he is trying to find her.

The fog begins to thin.

He is no longer walking on stone or dirt, but on show.

Winter of the world has come, and her body is lying on the ground, thin layer of snow covering it.

He wakes up, covered in sweat, looking around and everything is so unfamiliar, it’s feasting off his fragile and confused being.

– and there she lies – – not dressed in snow, but in white sheets.

In the deepening grasp of reality, Bucky has no choice but to recognize the trembling in his own heart. A trembling ocean underneath his eyelids. The veil of sadness and shame – causes him to scream as he holds her body, awaiting her warmth.

„Y/n? Baby…what-t, where, baby come on wake up“

„Baby, please wake up, Jesus what happened…I can’t remem-“

But love unexplained is clearer.

She is still clinging on something, still clinging on hope – the dog tags – it seems that she wanted to pour out all her heart into his heart in hopes of waking him up – she loved him, she shall love him always, loving him more than life itself. “Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.” PART 4 ✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧

Tag list @kaz11283 @montyrokz @queenashen @pandabearrrrrrr @depressed-gays-of-marvel @introverbatim @chocolatelovemusic @happinessinthebeing @goodkittyspost @venting402 @tilltheendofthelinepal9950 @lovelywritinglady @lady-loki-barnes-djarin @msoldier

#bucky x reader #bucky barnes #bucky fanfic #bucky x y/n #bucky angst #bucky x you #winter solider imagine #winter soldier x reader #winter soldier fanfiction #winter soldier x y/n #winter soldier x you #bucky x female yn #bucky x female reader #bucky x f!reader #bucky barnes angst #heavy angst #PROUD OF MYSELF

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clarks-letterman · 1 year

Text

lost in reality | perv!peter parker x gender-neutral!reader

a/n — this is not what i usually post! there was going to be more smut but i didn't know how far to go with it, so if anyone wants to see something more extended, let me know! (Peter is a bit of a perv in this but i tried to make him get his comeuppance) gender-neutral, i think

warnings — smut! 18+, some brief facefucking, gore (sorta mild, but don't read if you don't like it!)

summary — Peter uses the reality stone to practice his pickup skills. With such a powerful device at his disposal, what could go wrong?

words — 3.7k

~~~

A mesh of red and blue ambled to the quarters of the Avenger's compound. No rush nor worry affected Peter as he kept one foot light over the other, heading into each step, furthering him down the hallway. It was another neighborhood saved and another day where he would be free from the thoughts of letting his powers go to waste, and his life could finally regress into normalcy for the start of the new day. While he had a kick in his step from how smoothly the night had gone—and how much his mentor acknowledged the fact—Peter felt the need for something a little more caffeinated to help him instead.

As Peter returned from his latest venture, taking no rush to get to his room, you were on your way out of the resident android's room. In your hand, a pad of Stark Industries-branded notepad paper with all but one of the Avengers' coffee orders scribbled down filled it. You would not be in Vision's room with the question of coffee being the reason, something he was physically incapable of drinking, but Wanda frequented the room, and it was likely that she was in there. You were right to assume that, and now, you planned to check the door just further down the hall to see if Peter was around.

It turned out that you did not need to go far; the bright colors of his suit caught your eye the second you stepped out into the corridor. Anything resembling Peter's mood of being on top of the world was gone, and so was that little kick that pushed him further—you could almost see him lose it in his eyes once he saw you, even from afar. You approached him with one thing on your mind, the pen and paper used to record everyone's order at the ready.

"He-," he cleared his throat before lowering the pitch of his voice, "Hey."

There was an awkward silence between the following words until you reminded him by tapping your pen to the side of the notepad to draw his attention to it and speaking up, "Your order?"

"What?" He was already blowing it. Peter glanced down to his red-spandex feet and then back to you, his voice returning to its natural pitch, "Oh, yeah, uh—"

Peter paused. He realized he did not know what he wanted, and while you found the evident attempt to appear cool somewhat endearing, you could have already been heading out to get coffee for everyone by now. Almost by reflex, you started to tap the pen against the nearly completed list of coffee orders ranging from simple menu items to oddly specific modifications to non-existent drinks. And in seconds, the pen slipped from your grasp and unceremoniously landed on the laminate of the hallway floor.

"Shit," you reached down to grab the ballpoint, but Peter stopped you.

"I'll get it."

He attempted to bend over, only to find his hand stuck to the wall. Peter quickly stood straight, subtly tugging his hand away from the wall without tearing a new hand-shaped hole in the plaster and paint. In his panic, Peter's hand stuck itself to the wall, and no matter how hard he tried to pull away from it, his hand wouldn't budge. That left you to get the dropped pen, reaching for it without the trouble of spider-centric powers messing with you.

You looked to Peter, scribbling down his name next to Tony's order, "I'll just get you what Tony gets and leave you alone with your hand. See you later, Peter."

With that, Peter was left alone and sufficiently embarrassed as you strode down the hall, and, finally, his hand let him free once you were gone. He scuttled to his room in a bout of shame and locked the door, heading to his mirror with a plan to practice asking you out. It was a simple mirror resting on the opposite side of the wall that had betrayed him, even if it was an inanimate object that could neither sway nor influence his spider abilities. He planned on using the reflective rectangular sheet as a stand-in for you but decided to change himself into something that didn't remind him of the awkward encounter he had moments ago.

Now, he stared at himself in the length of the full-body mirror, dressed in a tee sporting Midtown's gold and navy-blue colors and a simple pair of beige cargo pants. It was more on your level, casual clothes that were unlike the striking symbolism of his superhero suit. Peter hoped it would make him feel more comfortable talking to you, as he wouldn't discern the need to be perfect in everything he does around you. He could be Peter.

The first words he spoke to himself in the mirror were natural, not meant to sound broody or cool. It was how he usually talked: voice cracks and diffidence-galore, "Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to swing me to get coffee with you?"

Peter realized his slip-up and started the question over again.

"Oh my God, that's so funny that you get coffee!" He placed a hand over his chest with a fake smile to match, "I love caffeine and wanted to know if you would drink me. I mean, drink it with me?"

“Hey, I was just in the neighborhood—saving it, and all. Coffee, you-me? Then, we could come back here for. . .” He paused, knowing that he could never be that smug with you—he could barely get his powers to work! How would the Parker-Charm not blow up on ignition? “Okay, dial it back, Pete.”

"I'm hopeless," Peter let his head fall, staring at the floor. He could hardly watch himself fumble in the mirror, but the glint of a red sheen in the mirror pulled him back—the reality stone, sitting on one of the few bookshelves resting against the walls of his room. This one housed various meticulously assembled Star Wars-themed Lego sets, and the stone quickly became an amenity on the set of Boba Fett's Starship. Could he use it for this, of all things? If he did use it, it would only be for a couple of minutes. For practice, he told himself.

Many people would probably ask why a teenager would have one of the most mighty pieces of rock sitting on a shelf in his bedroom, and well, Peter wouldn't know the answer himself as to why he was allowed to keep it. According to Tony, he was a good kid, and the rest of the team knew he wouldn't use it for anything malicious, like obliterating half of all human existence. So, it was a souvenir, a relic that Peter never utilized for anything apart from letting it be some seriously cool decor and a piece he constantly bragged about to his only two friends.

He turned away from the mirror, retrieved the stone from its entrapment in the plastic bricks, and returned to his full-length reflection. The jagged edges dug into the soft inside of his palm in retaliation to the pressure as he squeezed it with a closed fist. With a single thought—one that held details of nearly everything about you—a soft ring of smoke formed a couple of feet away from him on the carpet. His heart thrummed as it quickly moved upward, revealing your form as it went. After a few moments, the puff of smoke faded as it rounded your head, topping off the manifested version of yourself.

Nothing could compare to the real you, but this was close.

The imagined version of you standing before Peter looked like the spitting image of you, almost to the point where, if dressed the same, it would be impossible to tell the two of you apart. Almost. But, there was one thing that let Peter tell the visually deceitful version of you apart from the real one: he couldn't hear a heartbeat. He figured that, while you looked the same on the outside, the inside was missing a few vital features of the real you.

Regardless, Peter struggled to remember that information since your lesser interpretation was still stunning enough to make his heart sink into the never-ending pit in his stomach. His feelings got the better of him, and Peter started his practice in err from the moment he opened his mouth.

He held the stone tight, waving his other hand to you, "Hey—hi, do you know who I am?"

"Yeah, you're Peter." You stated it as if he should have known that already, and he noted it. From what he could tell, you had at least some part of the memory of your actual self, so maybe this version of you could provide an accurate reaction to asking you to get coffee with him.

"Okay, cool. Cool. Yeah, that's. . . cool," Peter trailed.

"Why do you keep saying cool?"

The only problem was that you were real. Unduly real. Down to the slightest mannerisms that anyone but Peter would be able to catch when they spent time with you, and with your stunning looks and perfect quirks brought about by the stone, Peter could remember everything about you. He could hardly hear the absence of your heartbeat from his' sonority, ultimately distracting himself from his original intent.

"So, what did you wanna ask me?"

"You. . . you ask a lot of questions. But, I wanted to know if you could—"

Peter was finally going to get the words out, albeit to someone who was only pretending to be you. He wouldn't have to worry about finishing that project he procrastinated on—this would be his big success of the day. But his web-shooter had gone off erroneously across the room, spraying against the walls and pouring onto the floor from its canister. He jumped away from the source and nearly dropped the stone in the process.

Peter's mind was fleeting, even his rehearsal was going wrong, and he immediately thought of an old trick for speaking to people that he hadn't needed since a young age—he imagined you in your underwear. He didn't mean for it to happen, but if he thought it, the stone made it a reality for as long as he held the little rock. He watched as a red puff of smoke took your clothes into the air, vanishing from your body in less than a second. Underneath, a simple pair of boxer briefs clung to your nether region. Maybe it wasn’t all about the practice to Peter. His mind had thought of this, so it couldn't be that bad to indulge in it.

"Could you come over here?" He asked, throat dry. He needed to feel you to confirm he had not gone completely insane from one too many hits on the head. Peter defeatedly took a few steps to his bed, sitting down on the edge of it. "Please?"

His heart pounded with each step you took, accepting his wish to draw near. Peter could not help but watch your vulnerability follow ostensibly close behind. In just one beat, you stood directly in front of him. He watched your knees rise and fall on either side of his legs as you sat on his thighs. Peter felt the warmth of your presence, the surprising weight of you on his hairless and sinewy thighs, even if you were empty inside.

Peter was bristling, brown eyes wandering over your exposed form. His body felt immovable, no matter how much he wished to drop the stone and watch you vanish. His head was the only thing not to freeze, the rest of his body turning into a well-sculpted monolith. His jaw moved with a bit of tension, "I didn't ask you to do it like this."

"No, but you thought it."

"How did you. . . ?"

"You thought that, too."

Peter realized that he was practically having a conversation with himself, just through the guise of your face. The details became more apparent; the color of your eyes, the set of your mouth, and the same smile lines appeared as he thought about its utter perfection. He connected that now, asking you to come closer only worsened his issue. Your presence over his prominent bulge made it push the limits of its cotton confines. Slowly, his marble arm broke from his reserved mold, and an empty hand cupped your cheek the same way he had always thought about doing it. He would use both, but one was occupied with creating his living dream. Then his hand slid away and around to the back of your neck, your hair brushing his chewed fingernails and overly scraped knuckles.

He knew that guiding you into the kiss was redundant as he could think about it, but this was far more passionate. As he brought you close, the thought of your smell and the feeling of hot breath joining in concordant timing against each other's skin started to fill his head. At the touch of your lips to his, Peter kissed like someone who had nothing to lose. Like he didn't have the responsibility of seeming to have it all together placed foremost. Like he could be a needy and desperate mess for more than a passing swing around New York. Only now, and only because of you.

His impetuous thinking decided that taking care of his problem now would mean that he could resolve everything else later. He needed to take care of it now; it was the only thought running through his head. Desire.

Breaking away, Peter silently commanded you to slide off your boxers and get on your knees. He caught a glimpse of you as you followed his direction, surprised by how his mind subconsciously filled in the gaps for everything he had never seen.

Your hands worked in a way that left their presence unknown until they were hooked into the band of his boxers, easily tugging down on the well-worn stitching to free Peter's springy dick. He watched your eyes ogle it and how you took it into your hand without a second thought, and while he filled your hand well, he couldn't help but think about his inadequacy. He had seen his teammates' sizes after sharing training sessions with them. Not that he was looking on purpose, but mostly out of insecurity. Peter already paled in comparison to the heights and builds of the others, and while he was far from small, they didn't make him look all that great. Peter started to wonder if the stone affected him in the same way it did you.

With a single thought, he decided to test it. He watched his shaft grow bigger and chub up with a thicker girth. Your hand could barely wrap around it as it had with his true size. It felt like an innocuous veneer to gaining the confidence that he never had. As a result, he was eager to get you on him and make you squirm like one of the criminals he spun webs around.

In seconds, your lips formed an imperfect circle and took the head of the arachnid, and the rest of him, as if it were nothing. Your lips brushed his decent smattering of hair around the base of his cock without convulsion. This version of you had a throat that fit around him like a cock-sleeve, hugging his girth without any of the need for restraint.

"No gag reflex? This is better than any toy I ever made."

Peter's hands found their way back to the rear of your head, controlling the pace at which you took him for his own pleasure. The sheer feeling of something far better than lubed-up rubber made him go wild.

At a certain point, he couldn't remember when his mind started to break reality further than he thought until he was suddenly yanked back to it. Peter started to feel effervescent guilt towards his actions. This is what he wanted, but not how he wanted to get it. Quickly, Peter felt the heavy weight on his chest return, the need to right himself by putting an end to this. He hated that he changed himself to impress something that wasn't even you. He wondered what his mentor would think, what you would think, or how you would react. A small shift inside him sent that weight toward his hand, the one he held the stone in, and it went from its dormant glim keeping the illusion alive to a bright shine, creating something new.

"Get off, get off, please," Peter asked, thinking the words in his head as hard as he could to free himself from his twisted fantasy. You let his stiff, unrelieved dick pop out of your mouth and got off your knees.

"What's wrong, Peter?" He had thought that, too. What was wrong with him?

He could barely stand to face you, but he needed to acknowledge you to make you leave. When he did work up the nerve to look in your direction, the guilt glared back at him. He felt like a creepy monster for even thinking it was a good idea to give in to his urges. The feeling overtook him so much that he didn't even realize your gradual change.

At first, it was your face. The pleasureful expression turned into a sour one, eyebrows funneling together and your upper lip upturned. But, the features of your face pressed forward as if they were made of putty and someone was trying to claw their way out. They stretched out and ballooned until they burst, leaving you headless. Your body went without a head for a few seconds before the more seasoned details of his mentor formed in your absence.

He kept his hand flat, wicking it away from his body and the rest of his arm with the hope that the stone would fall off, but his powers had already made that choice for him. Then, he thought of his suit, his web-shooters, and the communicator that could signal Tony. If he drew attention to the issue, it would resolve itself, but could he successfully explain everything as if it were the typical morning paper arriving at the doorstep? He could try, or at the very least, lie. But that would never solve this issue, though, not in the long run.

Peter formed a mental map of the fastest route to his closet in his head and decided that his backup web-shooters might be strong enough to hold the illusion down and give him time to pry the stone from his nonreciprocating palm. He turned, locking eyes with the monster as it started changing again.

Peter looked on in horror, the stone shining its brightest and shading the monster in terrifying red like a stop sign you see at the last minute when your heart sinks at the thought of being crushed. The soft tear of wet, stretching flesh and its stringy reformation flushed his ears as the beast before him grew. The harsh snap and sound of bones splintering from the fattening weight pierced his sensitive ears; nothing new to him at this point in his life, but he had never heard so many cracks and gushing wounds. Yet, through all the bodily changes, Peter never broke his stare with the amalgamation of his worst thoughts. Its eyes never left him, either. The cold and frighteningly dead stare of non-existent emotion didn't phase him until he heard a heartbeat, one that he believed came from the creature itself.

However, it wasn't the monster's—it was yours, heavy-thudded blood-pumping. The real you and your usually pleasant voice calling for his response. From the other side of the door, he heard you pleading for him to answer and affirm that he was okay. He figured that you must have overheard his distress and the ensuing raucous.

Peter reached for the stone but stopped. Everything was gone. His suit still sat in a messy pile on the floor, but the webbing was gone from the walls. The stain on the carpet was no longer there, and his pants were the only thing absent from his body, but nothing left the confines of his boxers. Had all of it really been in his head?

He quickly answered the door without any precaution, seeing your face still intact.

"Hey, I got you something different than Tony's. I was in line and remembered when you drank out of his cup by mistake and spat it all over the counter. Are you okay? I thought I heard a girl screaming."

“Thank you, and it wasn't a. . . never mind. Do you want to come in and hang?”

“Yeah! But get some pants on first, Spidey. I can't have my thoughts get to me.”

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