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theskywaslookingback · 3 years

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You can’t just say that and Not tell us more about your oc’s 👀

(I started writing the response to this at work and it got uhhh long, sorry. Also I came home and then had to drive back to work to activate a keycard so you know...that's why this took like nine hours to post, sorry. And thank you both for asking!)

*shows up six hours late with Starbucks and a powerpoint presentation*

Welcome! Have a seat! We might be here for a while :3c

So like I guess about six years ago or so I started a pet project that I told my friends about calling it “the novel I’ll never write” which has spiraled out of control and now lives in my mind rent free but also refuses to be written down. (I even made a blog for it @thisisnotanovel and my friends and I call it tinan) It’s changed several times in the last few years as I’ve made plot changes and character changes but the basis remains pretty much the same.

“This Is Not A Novel” is not a novel about Alecsandyr “It’s Alec, asshole” Summers (who a friend once called Alex sand hair dryer and now I can’t stop calling him that in my head) who’s a mid-twenties burn out who lives with his mom, dropped out of college, and has severe anxiety and depression issues. While on a trip with his mom to visit his grandfather up in Alaska, he steals his stepfather’s car and tries to take it for a joyride. He crashes pretty spectacularly, and it’s literal luck that he survives the crash - though, if asked he wouldn’t call it luck, he’d call it a failed suicide attempt like he’s failed everything else in his life. Anyway he gets air lifted to a hospital and is put on life support.

Now, Alec’s mom is a piece of shit and she makes no secret that she hates her son and hates that he still lives with her and doesn’t want him around. She starts asking the doctors when they would know for sure if he’s going to make it and starts making funeral arrangements even before he gets out of surgery. (Syl, you might be saying, this isn’t how hospitals work. And my answer is that it’s my not novel and I get to make up what I want. I’ll do actual research if I decide to write it.) All of this gets the attention of Alec’s nurse, Dante Lebasque.

Dante is an older, sympathetic man (who in my mind version of this not novel as a not movie is Idris Elba) and he decides that if Alec does have to fully go on life support and if Alec’s mother decides to let him go then he’s going to do something about it. Because -and this is where my emo 2007 self comes into full spotlight- Dante is the head of a small vampire coven, so in order to preserve Alec’s life he decides to turn him into a vampire.

So imagine you’ve decided that you’re going to steal a car, okay? And that you’re going to drive that car off the side of a mountain. And there’s pain and then it’s dark...and then you wake up in a coffin. Because that’s how Alec’s shit goes down. He’s laying there, fully dressed in a suit he’s never worn, and somehow he can see? And he’s not breathing? And his heart isn’t beating? And he’s starving?? And of course he’s freaking out because he’s locked in a box of some kind and he has no clue where he is or why and then suddenly there’s shifting sounds and scraping metal and he’s blinking up at a solid black sky and the greenest eyes he’s ever seen and a deep voice saying “Took a bit longer than we thought. Welcome to the legion of the undead, kid.”

And that’s how we meet Richard Davis, like 100 years old but somehow also the most “new and with it” of the group. He is the hipster meme personified. He used to like Starbucks but now he’s really into this one coffee chain you’ve never heard of. He doesn’t listen to music, actually, just Gregorian chanting. His last living breath was probably saying “well, actually.” And he’s Alec’s guardian, the one who teaches him how to like, ya know, be a vampire. Alec calls him Dick.

Also at the graveside is an angel of a woman, wearing a white dress with bright curly red hair. The first thing Alec notices about her is that she’s barefoot. Her name is Erika Chambers and where Richard is blunt and impatient she’s kind and measured. She was turned by a different vampire and left to fend for herself and she killed a lot of people before killing her sire. When Dante found her she was practically feral and just looking to be taken out by a hunter. He helped her understand what was happening to her but let her decide if she wanted to stay. She did, and she’s never left.

Alec hates all of this. It’s a special hell to want to die and not be allowed to. He refuses to believe that Dante turned him for purely selfless reasons.

When Dante has meetings with the governing council, Alec finds a way to spy on him and overhear, which is how he learns that Dante’s coven was about to be absorbed into a larger one because it was too small and he needed more coven members. Alec is furious and tries to leave but Richard stops him and explains that fledglings can’t go anywhere without a guardian. Alec tries to fight Richard and loses.

Alec confronts Dante later and Dante admits that, yes, part of the reason he turned Alec was because he was about to lose his coven, but it was also because he didn't want to see a young life ended so soon blah blah blah.

So during that fight Alec totally forgets about this other part he heard between Dante and the council where they mention some concern about missing vampires from smaller covens that they haven't heard from in a while and Dante mentions that they were loners and they'll likely show up in a few years.

But alas! They have been murdered! By my favorite villain of all time, Ariadne Rosewood, who is a witch using immortal blood to keep herself immortal.

So you have Alec struggling with himself and his feelings of self worth and depression vs his struggle to trust those around him vs the larger villain that wants to kill them all.

And then we have such wonderful characters as: Karazeda Sloan, Erika's girlfriend and a vampire hunter born into the trade that kind of maybe wants to be a vampire herself. Dominic, the leader of the wolf pack that I added as a joke because I made Alec a furry and it infuriated my friends. Carolina Davenport and her girlfriend Ava Lopez with their coven of vampires, Blaise, Ambrose, and Cole.

So yeah!! Horribly long post and now to the actual joke of it:

(H)imbo - Dominic, because he's a big beefy wolfman with no braincells but much love in his heart

Mean Bisexual - Alec, because he's a bitch and I love him so much

Meaner Lesbian - Karazeda, because she's an even bigger bitch and I love her So Much

She/theys - Carolina and Ava

He/theys - Cole and Ambrose

Token Straight - Dante, but he's also ace so he gets a pass

Astrology Bitch - Erika, I bet she keeps everyones birth charts on the wall

Short King - Richard, 5'5" tiny motherfucker and the more he acts like a brat the shorter I make him. He used to be 6'2".

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

#statement ends #yetanothergreyjedi #anonymous #oc tag #long post

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thetomorrowshow · 3 years

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Slower Than Words Ch. 23

First - Previous - Next

Hey..... a member of my household just tested positive for Covid-19, and I am displaying symptoms sooooooo hopefully that won’t affect posting but it has made this chapter a little shorter than I had wanted. Basically if the next chapter isn’t out on time that’s why.

cw: b a d parenting, references to trauma

Remus chewed on the end of his pen. Riley, Alberts, Robertson, Robinson, Richards, Allison, Reese, Arlowe . . . something that started with an 'A' or an 'R'. But what? Why couldn't he remember his own last name?

Logan was always saying something about brainwashing and trauma, but Logan knew his own last name! Stupid Logan Sanders and his calm explanations for everything in Remus's life. He didn't want someone telling him how he felt or why, he wanted to move on. He wanted to figure himself out for himself. He wanted out.

The trip to the library a couple weeks ago had been even worse than expected. Logan hadn't even let go of Patton, despite how uncomfy the kid looked. It had to suck to be twenty-something and have your dad drag you around by the shoulders everywhere you go.

Patton had only wanted one book, for some reason. There were so many books in that building, and Logan had pulled like a hundred from the shelves just to show him. He'd signed so quickly about the book that Remus couldn't keep up, but Logan had frowned and talked to the librarian for a few minutes, before eventually presenting Patton with a book—which was probably the one he'd been asking for. His face looked weird after receiving it, happy, but also seriously depressed. It looked pretty old, Remus had no idea why he'd wanted that book.

Rivers, Albright, Abbott, Ramsey, Russell, Reed, Rowell, Austen. . . . Nothing. Not even a smidge of anything. Well, if he couldn't remember his last name, what about the name of where he used to live?

The city came to him almost instantly.

Sharon.

Remus snorted. That was a stupid name for a city. Actually, he could remember joking about it with his brother, about how their mom shared it.

Energy flooded to his limbs with a suddenness, and when the bell rang from the door opening beside him he literally fell out of his seat.

“W-welcome to Chevron,” he said, straightening up. The customer nodded barely at him, making a beeline for the refrigerators in the back. Remus quickly wrote on the scrap of paper he'd been doodling circles onto so far: 'sharon – town and ma'.

Now he just had to figure out which state sounded the most familiar, and if Sharon was a city there. He'd spent days just driving around town with friends, he probably still knew his way around.

The customer paid for a few jugs of Gatorade, then left, dust puffing up behind his truck as he pulled out of the parking lot. Remus sat back down, scratching his mustache with his pen. He could google the city when he got home, then. . . .

Then he'd figure out how to tell Patton and Logan he was leaving.

Patton sighed, flipping through the first half of the book again. Summer, it was called. This copy looked almost identical to the other one. He closed his eyes and ran his fingers along the slightly indented title, like Virgil would. He'd had it for almost two months now, asking Father to renew the book instead of allowing it to be returned. He really wanted to finish it, after all.

Not that he could ever get himself to read past around the middle.

Patton's notebook was almost full now, but he couldn't ask Remus for another. Not after how much Remus was already doing for him. The pages were filled with studying mouth movements, bad jokes, and journal entries that mostly were about Virgil and what they'd do when they were together again. In tiny, cramped handwriting was a detailed recollection of everything Patton could remember that Virgil told him about where he lived—which wasn't much. It was hard to hold on to any memories from there. His therapist said it had to do with trauma memories being stored incorrectly, and said he might have flashbacks about it. So far, none had happened, but sometimes he wished one would—just so he could see Virgil again.

He wasn't good at drawing, but here and there in his notebook were vague sketches of Virgil. Some days, Patton woke up not sure what he looked like. He couldn't forget him. Patton would never forgive himself if he forgot the lovely mistiness of Virgil's eyes, the way his hair fell into his mouth and made him sputter, the stark paleness of his face against his black hoodie. . . .

Patton wrapped the hoodie around himself. He needed to think about something else, or else he'd start crying again. Crying made his head and ears hurt, which his doctor said would probably always be the case. So he mostly did his best to not cry, ever.

Patton cast his mind around for something new to think about, and landed on the trip to the library several weeks ago. The trip wasn't . . . optimal?

No. The trip sucked.

Father wouldn't let go of him, which just made him feel like a toddler having to be guided around. It was bright, and had a lot of people, and was a little startling, but Patton was sure he could have handled it. Why didn't Father trust him?

It wasn't just that. Father made him go to bed at a specific time every night, wouldn't let him have any say in what he ate, wouldn't even let him pick what to watch on the TV. It was . . . it was stupid! It was awful, it was embarrassing, it was demeaning! It made Patton feel worthless, like he wasn't even a proper member of society! He wasn't a boy anymore, he had even had a job back at the Haven, he wasn't helpless!

Maybe soon, with all that he'd been learning, he could prove to Father that he was capable. And if Father wouldn't believe him, well . . . Patton would have to make him.

Again, that anger was right at the surface, ready to spill out into the air. At least he had the book.

Somehow, Logan had let Remus convince him that he didn't need to go to every therapy appointment with Patton, so Logan was at home alone. For the first time in months. He was exhausted, but he did not have time to sleep.

Patton was hiding something. Logan was undeniably certain of it. And when Patton hid something, he hid it under his bed.

Logan didn't get up immediately. This was a matter of privacy, after all. He understood that he was likely being a little too restricting with his son, but who could blame him? He'd almost lost him. So if Patton was hiding something, it was likely best to know what it was. Patton didn't seem to realize the amount of danger he was in. It wasn't his fault, he was just a child. Children weren't supposed to worry about this sort of thing, it was their parents' jobs to care for them. So, naturally, he had to make sure that whatever Patton was hiding wasn't going to bring harm in some way. If it was, he could gently confront him about it, and explain why it was not acceptable.

With that plan in mind, Logan stood from his desk and made his way to Patton's room. His door was always open, even when he was inside—it made sense, all things considered.

The room still had almost precisely the same setup as Logan had put together, down to the making of the bed. He'd told Patton that he was allowed to customize his room and ask for personal items, but so far he had done neither of those things. The only difference was that the small closet now had a few more pieces of clothing in it.

Logan bent to his hands and knees beside the bed and peered beneath. Sure enough, there were items underneath the boy's bed: a battered blue notebook, the singular book that he had wanted from the library last month, the jacket that had belonged to the other other prisoner. Logan reached for the notebook, grunting when his back popped.

He pulled himself onto Patton's bed to open it. It was confusing, at first, some jokes in his son's handwriting, rather poor sketches of an unfamiliar face. Then. . . .

Oh.

That—that was bad.

Logan took a few deep breaths, then flipped another page, then another. More of the same. This wasn't good. This was not good at all.

These diagrams and instructions, clearly for lip-reading? These would get Patton taken away from him. These would hurt him. These would make Patton want to leave the safety of home.

These were dangerous.

Taglist: @enragedbees @gotta-love-alejandra @bunny222 @basiic-emo @patt0n-sanders @rosiepupper @fangirlgeekandfreak @dn-fan21 @that2000skid @remy-the-lemon-berry @itsadastraperaspera @xionbean @sanderssides-angst @hell-yea-we-gay-tonight @maybedefinitely404 @broken-pencils @thewhimsicallibrarytech @doomllily @hereissananxiousmess @judyismydog @arodynamic-enby @at-that-one-nerd @therapysides @awkwardandanxiousfander @thekitchenpan @im-an-anxious-wreck @larkiaquail

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starrygalaxy04 · 3 years

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What Songs Remind Them of You (Villain Edition)

Tomura Shigaraki

Tomura is very into gaming, so if he listens to music its normally when he’s playing one of the video games he enjoys

Because you’re in the League your schedules don’t always line up, but because he’s the leader he often pulls strings so that they do

You play games with him sometimes, but a lot of the times you’re playing PC or console horror games

FNaF, Bendy and the Ink Machine, Resident Evil, Amnesia, whatever horror games you can think of, he’s probably seen you playing it

You often listened to music while you played the game if the game’s atmosphere didn’t immerse you like you wanted it to

So, when he came in one day and he heard an unfamiliar tune, he was immediately curious

You pulled out your phone and you two spent the whole day listening to fanmade songs about the horror games you played

There were some songs about the games he played, too, so he was happy

He sets your favorite fanmade song as your ringtone for his phone

Every time he pulls up one of the songs he immediately wants his player two next to him

You and him know all the songs word for word and will end up singing while playing games, whether its you and him playing a game together, you laying on him while he plays, or you sitting in his lap while you play a game and he snuggles with you

Dabi

Not surprisingly, I headcannon Dabi as someone who would listen to copious amounts of rock, music with screaming in it, or just something that will numb his brain

So when he finds out that you listen to CORPSE’s music, he doesn’t get the whole idea behind it at first

Like, yeah the dude has a deep voice, but the music can’t be that good

He was so wrong

He made a whole playlist so he can listen to CORPSE’s music when he’s in the mood for it

You and him sing the songs all the time, though he’s a lot quieter than you because dude has hoarse voice

Loves the bass, and oddly enough the lyrics hit pretty hard for him

Mans doesn’t actively get in his feels because he doesn’t really have any anymore, but it will get him in a venting mood

When you’re not around he has the songs playing at all times because he can always picture your voice singing the lyrics, even though it makes him miss you even more

He’d never admit it though

Twice

Twice listens to only two kinds of music, either bubbly pop songs or really sad rock songs. Like, emo style rock

Thankfully your music taste is all over the place so it doesn’t bother you when he can’t decide on whether he wants to vent out his feelings through sad songs or dance like there’s no tomorrow

You mainly play music when you’re cooking food or reading, so he often finds himself doing things like that when the music comes on and you’re not home

You’re never gone for too long because you’re afraid he might end up hurting himself or that he’ll split and won’t know what to do with himself

Its not uncommon for you to play songs in the car (you ended up being the designated driver for escapes when Dabi wasn’t around because apparently the bitch gets carsick so only he can drive when he’s on missions)

And it always ends with you and Twice belting out songs as loud as possible, but only when you both know that Shigaraki can’t threaten to dust both of you because you’re in the driver’s seat and he’s got shotgun

You two just have a lot of fun with music

Overhaul

Kai doesn’t exactly have the brain capacity to listen to music while working, so you often listen to music on your own time or when he’s done with working for the day

You mainly listen to songs that make you happy because Kai doesn’t like seeing you in your feelings for two reasons

1: He doesn’t exactly know how to comfort you because he never got that emotional nourishment to begin with

and 2: He doesn’t want you to get depressed or something like that because while he may be a doctor, he’s not the best with mental issues and wants his angel to be as happy as possible

You play music when you take a bath, and he can always hear it since the bathroom and bedroom are connected

When he’s working the songs often get stuck in his head, which makes him think about you because those are songs that you like

He fights with his intrusive thoughts to get his work done and immediately barges in and smothers you in cuddles (for the sake of these headcannons you don’t make him break out in hives and he’s gotten used to physical affection with you)

Gets you to play the music while you two cuddle and he talks about whatever is on his mind

#mha headcanons #mha shigaraki #shigaraki x you #dabi #dabi x you #twice #twice x you #overhaul #kai chisaki #overhaul x you

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joannabsblog · 3 years

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July 2nd

I can’t ever stop writing. What if I forget my mind, what if it loses me. What if I have nothing to remember myself by? So I write, whether I’m going through something good or I’m going through something bad. But nine times out of 10 it’s bad. And I guess I come to this blog instead of hurting myself because most of the time I use text to speech so it feels like I’m talking to someone even if no one‘s listening. So here I am at work, I had to open at 4:30 AM needless to say I’m fucking exhausted but when am I not fucking exhausted. When am I not feeling like I’m going insane and is insane the new sane for me if that’s all I’ve ever known? I try to look at the bright side of life, the sun and the stars; the smell of freshly cut grass and the smile on my loves face but it’s all so covered in darkness in this heavy musty black film and no matter how much I try to wipe it off and keep it clean it doesn’t go away. All of this is mostly metaphorical if it doesn’t make any sense who gives a fuck? This blog is for myself and a way to help myself,it helps me cope with reality. Because when I’m out of line with the world and this depressed I can’t even get the strength to lift up my pen so here I am text to speech. Thank God for iPhones. Fourth of July weekend woo hoo, I’m sorry to be negative but I’m also not that’s pretty much all of this blog is and I keep repeating that but it’s the truth. I wanted this blog to be a place to help people but now it’s just a crazy place for my thoughts.. I’m really fucking glad that my work is slow right now because if it wasn’t I don’t even know what I would do, I don’t wanna talk to anybody I don’t wanna look at anybody I don’t want to have any communication with anybody. I probably sound emo as fuck by saying that but I really hate people, I hate stupid cocky motherfuckers I hate people who think that they can flirt with me I hate people who are nasty perverts, I hate people who get angry at me for going to the bathroom while I’m at work. I’m sorry you had to wait 50 fucking seconds to get your pack of cigarettes but I don’t know if you know this but I have Crohn’s disease or IBS whatever the fuck it is my doctor can’t even figure it out. So when I’m the only one in this bitch and it gets busy and your girl got a poop there’s nothing else I can do and put a goddamn sign up and go poop. I probably sound like a goddamn crazy person I’m cussing left tonight, nothing makes sense anymore. But what is sense? what is normal? normally I don’t like to drink, I don’t like getting drunk if it’s for something negative like to take my mind off of the real world and just get fucked off my ass but man that’s all I wanna do right now. it’s almost 7 AM I’ve had about four customers. Just three more hours and 45 minutes but who’s counting right? I’m trying I’m trying I’m trying so fucking hard to stay positive and to count my blessings but why is it always been so much easier to count the curses? I can’t stop singing the chorus to that Bo Burnham song All Eyes On Me. They say the oceans rising like I give a shit, they say the whole world‘s ending; honey it already did. Like That right there so simple but so goddamn deep. And I think my curse word for the day is goddamn because I keep saying. I never thought that I would be the one to cuss a lot and I know a lot of people say it’s not lady like who gives a shit? my boss is here now so I’m gonna go. I’ll probably be back on tomorrow or tonight. 💘

#blog #self help #writing #happiness #love #boyfriend #stoned #self care

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ridleycraft · 3 years

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ok, look. ive tried to put this into words for the longest time, but i havent found a way to do so until now. i was originally going to make this a twitter thread, but then i realized just how long it would take me to explain everything, so im making it a tumblr post instead.

i present to you: the most bizarre dream i have ever had

ok, so, for context, id just gotten back from a convenience store in my town. i think i was having a manic episode at this time, so i was pretty reckless with the stuff i purchased. i was also pretty reckless with what i ate, because i ended up buying three things of lemonade, donuts with fucking gluten in them (i have celiac, so thats why thats so bad), and then proceeded to eat and drink them all in one sitting. during this i was also watching glitch techs for the first time. this becomes majorly important later.

after eating all of that, i got really sick, as youd expect. i decided to take a nap, even though i wasn’t that tired. that’s when the dream happened.

the dream was based around an episode from glitch techs that didn’t exist. it was also from a season that didnt exist. whereas more seasons are called season blank or whatever, this season was called, i shit you not, “#?” yep. that was it. that was just what the season was called. the episode name has faded from my memory, but that’s completely fine, because from my knowledge, the episode name was just a bunch of random letters thrown together that didn’t even resemble real words.

the episode started out as youd expect. the gang hunts down the glitch of the week and captures it, had all that lighthearted goodness, and had some gamer puns here and there. yknow, fun stuff youd expect from a kids show.

and then someone died.

no, they didn’t just die. they didn’t even get murdered. they killed themself. it was nix, i believe. and everyone had their own reactions to it.

for starters, haneesh and bergy just left. i dont remember haneesh’s reason for leaving, but bergy left because his anxiety had basically been cranked up to 100% by nix’s suicide. he was scared shitless of everything. so much so, in fact, that he was too scared to even enter the hinobi store anymore. zahra swore revenge on whoever drove him to suicide, since hed been perfectly fine beforehand, and donned classic emo clothing for the rest of the dream.

five just straight up became neurotic. like, stereotypically insane. he kept talking about killing people and his eyes were all bloodshot and stuff. mitch fell into a deep depression, and there were dark rings around his eyes like he was an old twisted-doctor character. miko’s reaction i’ve been saving for last, however, because it’s literally one of the weirdest parts of the dream.

miko practically just decided to break the laws of physics. in the blink of an eye, she changed completely. her hair turned this weird highlighter yellow-green color, and her eyes became pitch black and very shiny. she also had a tail for some reason. it sort of resembled a lion’s tail. it was black and had this green gem at the end of it. she also had horns, which is probably even weirder than the tail. they were orange and had yellow tips, like she snatched them from a homestuck troll. she just kinda floated around for the rest of the dream, for some reason.

the rest of the episode revolved around the group getting into conflicts with each other, which eventually tore them all apart. with the whole group split up now, miko was left in her lonesome, and soon enough she found out (i forgot how) that shed turned into the thing i just described. and with that realization was this really trippy sequence that came next.

basically, there were two dark figures talking to her in a text to speech voice. their faces were just real life mouths (note that they didnt have lips) plastered on top of them, and they mostly spoke nonsense from what i can remember (or maybe that was just an effect of them constantly talking over each other). the only thing i remember them saying that made a slight amount of sense was that miko was the god of existence now. the background just kept flashing black, white, and red, no matter what happened.

suddenly, phil interrupted the sequence, and brought the group back together. he then dropped the news that nix had faked his own suicide. this caused everyone to despise nix, and they then proceeded to hunt him down and circle him as nix just looked...really fucking scared. he didnt say anything. he didnt even call out for help. the group went on to disembowel him with their bare hands.

the dream ended with them all just standing there, watching nix’s corpse bleed out. they stared off into space, with some hints of regret in their eyes, as the background turned black. as they continued to stand there, this low, deep, gravelly voice, almost like that of a machine, said some unintelligible shit really slowly, and then the characters slowly looked right at the camera.

when i woke up, i felt this strange, lingering sense of dread, almost as if that was a real episode and i had actually watched it. and it had me thinking...what if that was a real episode? what if #? was a real glitch techs season that netflix and nickelodeon had greenlit? how would children and parents react to something like that? how would i react?

oh, and then i took the fattest shit ive ever shat in my life. theres something funny that happened.

#🕹️.txt #glitch techs #fever dream #trigger tags:#suicide #murder #gore #unsanitary #ask to tag

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rebelwith0utacause · 4 years

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The problem with this thing @tigerteeff is that i didn’t know which playlist to shuffle, so I picked Saint Lu because that’s probably the most “me” playlist I’ve ever made (and it’s not even finished yet). So here you go:

1. Brompton Cocktail - Avenged Sevenfold - I have a thing for songs written by The Rev. He was such a musical genius and I love everything about this sonically, but the lyrics hit deep because he’s basically asking for a med concoction to end his suffering. Hits me right in the feels knowing how and why he passed away.

2. Berenstein - The Band CAMINO - This is a new one in my repertoire but I’ve had it on repeat ever since. The entire premise that there’s a separate universe where whatever wrongs on this plane are right on that one is so desperately hopeful for me. And I sometimes need that hope to get me through (khm emo khm).

3. Pretty Venom - All Time Low - Reminds me of people and it’s incredibly therapeutic.

4. Happy Days - Brooke Candy - “Doctor aren’t we just a smile away from happy days?” Incredibly depressing but also eye-opening in a way.

5. Love, Hate, Love - Alice In Chains - I’m just gonna say it. Layne. Such a dark love (is it tho?) song. Depressing as fuck, too. But I love it. The way the obsession is painted with words is so good, and you know I <3 grunge.

6. ouch - Bring Me The Horizon - All I’m gonna say is... “I know I said I was under your spell, but this hex is on another level. And I know I said you could drag me through hell, still I hoped you wouldn’t fuck the devil.” Like the way this starts by Oli saying Tu as tué mon bébé, and the Japanese vibes and the references and just the major fucking slap @ Hanna. Don’t know if I should hate her or feel sorry for her. I’m still not sure on whose side I am post divorce, but this song was... For a lack of better words - ouch.

7. Scream - Chris Cornell - I mainly put this song because the whole vibe of it reminded me of Luke, but more than that, it reminds me of me, because I do believe in having an argument and proving a point without the theatrics. The drama just goes to show that it’s your fault, not mine. You’re masking your guilt with all of the screaming.

8. do re mi - blackbear - This was the first BB song I heard and I fell in love with the “do, re, mi, fa, so fucking done with you” because I love indifferent fuck yous. i also might think that this song is about Arz so that makes me cackle a bit but also pissed off that she got 2 great songs out of being a shitty person, yes i’m trying not to judge but i am only human

9. GATES OF PARADISE - While She Sleeps - Love EVERYTHING about this song, from Sean’s guitar, to the harmonies, to the “fuck you I won’t do what you tell me” and “ we've got everyone to follow but there's no one left to walk with.”

10. Canals - All Time Low - Love the drums on this one, and the guitar, and the whole vibe of the song in general.

I’m tagging @cravinsomethinsweeter, @krindy33 and @karajaynetoday but only if you wanna do it ^^

#i was trying so hard not to explain this in terms of luke #because this is his playlist after all #but yeah

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soyouareandrewdobson · 4 years

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Things Dobson mocks because he is too ignorant...

One “talent” Dobson seems to have, is the ability to alienate a lot of people through his opinions. And while he claims to be proud of that talent because he believes those he alienates are just assholes and racists who disagree with him CAUSE he attacks their abhorrent worldviews, the reality is much simpler; On average, people just don’t like him cause Dobson has no idea what he is talking about, which won’t however stop him from mocking the mere existence of certain things/interests and the people enjoying them. And those people tend not to be racists who want to see non-white people go extinct, but simply nerds and enthusiasts who like to enjoy their hobbies without the input of someone who won’t get over how he was bullied as a nerd back in school, but at the same time will bully you for being “nerdier”.

I could go into more detail how I mean that by analyzing a lot of his anime related SYAC strips as well as his soapbox strips on comic culture in a row. However, for the sake of “simplicity” I just like to go over one of his oldest strips, published around 2011. Back when Dobson was portraying himself still as a human. This strip alone will show how even a decade back, Dobson could just be an asshole to any “nerd” who dared to be into stuff he wasn’t, how he could manage to piss off many people all in one going AND be unfunny.

Now the first thing I want to put out is that I do not even think that Dobson’s primary intention with this strip was to mock others and their interests. See, one thing about So you are a cartoonist especially in its early days was, that it was in a way Dobson’s attempt to make himself look likeable in the eyes of others. He portrayed himself just as an Average Joe, wanting to make comics. This strip itself was even part of a series of strips I like to call “Things Dobson likes/dislikes”, which really were just him in each panel pointing at something he is into or not.

And honestly, part of me does not mind it. It is just Dobson’s attempt to show others how “quirky” or contrarian he is. The problem really steams more from the following two facts: a) It is not really a cartoon or comic if you think about it, because there isn’t a joke, punchline or story attached to them, just Dobson showing off what kind of person he is and b) that his “things I do not understand” comic is really mean spirited compared to the others if you look just a bit deeper into it.

Right from the beginning the strip is just indicative that this will be more mean spirited than Dobson will later like to claim it was. Otherwise he would not feel the need to say “chillax” as a sort of semi defense mechanism, cause if he really intended to make his grievances heard through “good fun” he would not need to say that. So from the gate we can assume its snarkier and more hurtful than it needs to be. So lets get through the things he does not understand, shall we?

Sports: I will admit that I am not really into sports myself, neither as a fan or someone participating in it competitively. I go to the gym however in order to feel good about myself and do something for my health instead of going every Friday to McDonalds. In addition, as long as you do not go overboard with being a fan or participating in it, I understand how sport can unite people (see events like the Olympics and Soccer worldcups) , and while I am baffled upon the fact that the salary of many people in sports (particularly soccer and football) are ridiculous high in addition to money they make with advertisement deals etc. I have respect for them. Respect for how they can stick to a hard training schedule, can take injuries, will do stuff for charity etc. Furthermore, unlike Dobson, I do not believe people who are into sports are dumb. Yes, I know the stereotype about college footballers and sports who only graduated because of their sports activities and are otherwise “meatheads”, but that stereotype does not apply to everything in reality, Dobson. Ever heard of NFL lineman Duvernay-Tardif, who also has a degree as a surgeon? Granted, he made that title only in 2018, seven years after the comic was made, so look a bit further and see what we find… Oh, look: Myron Rolle, college football player and later members of the Tennessee Titans and Pittsburgh Steelers around 2010/12: Has a bachelor degree in exercise science and in 2008 studied for a Master of science for medical anthropology in the UK.

Ron Mix, famous AFL and NFL football player forever immortalized in the Hall of Fame has a Juris Doctor Degree and after his work as a sports became an attorney.

And that are just three examples googled up in relation to American football. Other famous sports worldwide have degrees in medical and sports related sciences. Heck, one of Europe’s most famous boxer’s in the 2000s, Vitali Klitschko, not only has a doctors degree in sports, he is nowadays head of the governing party of Ukraine, following the independence of the country in 2014.

So stop wiggling your three sets of eyebrows and cease your smug grin and shove that periodic table up your ass, Dobson. I bet you yourself don’t even fucking know the chemical symbol for silver or titanium you Agonizing Twat who never got over the fact some popular kids in school bullied him.

Final Fantasy: I doubt Dobson ever even tried to play Final Fantasy or ANY JRPG, honestly. Heck, not only does Cloud look pretty wrong (anime hair seems to be another thing Dobson can not draw) but frankly, the statement of Cloud being an emo is false and is based on misinterpretation. Bear with me for a bit; Final Fantasy 7 is in my opinion a good game and it had a major impact on the series and the perception of JRPGs in the west. However, I do also believe that many people overhyped its quality over the years. Including SquareEnix themselves, who particularly around 2005 released all sorts of tie in and sequel games, including also the movie “Advent Children”. Or as I like to call those things, Tetsuya Nomura’s wankfest, because now all of sudden everything is related to some guy called Genesis, we have even more characters to supposedly care about than we already got through the original game, happy end override happens almost on every corner and “goth” aesthetics are everywhere. And Cloud himself became an embodiment of that emo/loner stereotype in anime and manga around that time, despite never having been like that in the original game if you ask me. Yes, Cloud in the original game went through a lot of emotional trauma and he was not like some happy go lucky laid back shonen manga protagonist. But he also didn’t come off as a pretentious fucktard who never showed emotions and shut himself off from his friends and allies. He was more of a determined person who still cared for others and wanted to stop Sephirot so no one suffered like he did. His most “depressing” moment was when Sephirot revealed his false memories, making Cloud question his own existence as an independent being to the point he was broken enough to hand the Meteor sphere to Sephirot, but that was about it. But hey, “emos” sell better, so SquareEnix tried to sell that aesthetics and others were just so dumb and further misinterpreted it as emoness being Cloud’s main character trait, when in reality freaking Squall Leonhard in his original game was worse than Cloud in comparison.

I also find the implication of Dobson, that Final Fantasy is pretentious in that panel funny as fuck. Cause Final Fantasy 13s’ pretty dumb story and wankery of clicheed anime tropes not withstanding, the average Final Fantasy game has a straightforward fantasy plot of good guys vs bad guys, with some twists and anime tropes thrown into the mix. The most pretentious guys in those games really are just the bad guys when they talk on average about how the world is suffering and misery, and even that is just straightforward nihilism to justify why they want to destroy everything. It is in fact so straightforward, most little kids will get it particularly in the first 6 games of the series, which are just set in more “classic” fantasy worlds to begin with. I am not saying the Final Fantasy franchise as a whole is flawless (I really am not a fan of 13 and its sequels, but if you like it, you do your thing) but you do not need a thesaurus to get why people enjoy it or individual games from it. So stop hating on an entire game series, which btw has actually some pretty awesome female characters in protagonistic roles in it too.

Twilight: Both an example of Dobson’s hypocricy and idiocy. Idiocy cause frankly, what is hard to understand why people liked the books? Twilight (in my opinion) was just a professionally published self insert fanfiction, in which Bella/the reader fell in love with the local bad boy who just happened to also be a vampire. Sure, a vampire in name only (seriously, if you asked me, the Cullens could be replaced with a lot of other fantasy creatures and it would barely affect anything), but that is beside the point. Shameless romance stories about someone falling in love with the bad boy who deep down has a heart of gold and just needs someone to fix them, are nothing new. So I was not surprised that people, particularly teenaged girls and other women, enjoyed it. It was the romance literature equivalent to fast food which just happened to explode in popularity because Young adult novels were a simultaneous hit and something needed to fill the void after Harry Potter. I read the first book myself and I thought nothing in particularly wrong with it, aside of the fact I thought the book itself was plotwise kinda dull. But that was not why people bought it, they wanted Bella getting together with the bad boy. The fact Dobson did not understand on what the popularity was build up on, is just an example for how Dobson does not even in theory understand how stories work and what it is on a pure technical level that makes them interesting and sell worthy to others.

As for the hypocritical aspect, that comes up nowadays when Dobson claims he feels bad for mocking Twilight all those years ago and how people were bad for making fun of it and Stephenie Meyer. That those who did it were like women hating assholes and still are if they do not apologize. Cause frankly, I feel a majority of people “apologizing” are just dishonest with themselves now. Apologizing primarily because in the eyes of some other people they look up to, if they do not they will be pariahs. Especially when extend of their initial childish disdain for Twilight becomes clear. I e.g. do not hate Lindsay Ellis aka the former Nostalgia Chick, but the fact she made a big apology video on Meyer was laughable when you see how she “stood” to her opinion back in the day to the point she wrote a novel to mock the kind of story Twilight did. Sure, she admitted to a lot of her own faults back in the day so there was also some self reflection to it and I respect that. But I think in a way this was also a tactic to just appease some other people and it does not take away that initially she had those thoughts about Twilight. And frankly, Twilight is problematic in a way.

Again, I read the first book and I did not consider it the worst thing in the world, just kinda dull for my taste. However, having read on a lot of things that happen in the book series itself, it is clear that Bella and Edward are some pretty horrid and selfish characters who barely get called out or face consequences for terrible actions. Take also into account the pacing of the story and you get on average a book series that deserved a certain amount of criticism from a technical point of view and Meyer’s at least being questioned about some of her decisions in the writing process. It did however not deserve book burnings or people mocking and harassing fans and the author, the former being mocked by Dobson here funnily enough.

Transformers: And what is it you find weird about people caring for cars? This is not even me being a cars fan here or something, I just ask because even that “explanation” is no explanation at all. He is just saying “I don’t care for X because I also do not care much for Y”. The correlation between the two is missing.

As for why people care about those two things Dobson, perhaps it is for the following:

Cars because people like the aesthetics, the technics, like to build stuff or get a rush by driving them. Transformers, because people just like action as well as the lore to the franchise and think giant robots turning into vehicles is cool, as long as Michael Bay is not involved in creating a story.

Furries: As with cars, likely aesthetics. Anthropomorphic animals have been part of our culture even long before cartoons (just look at fables, fairy tales and legends all across the world involving animals) so I assume there is even something more subconsciously involved with it. And frankly, I like furries myself. Some of them are way better artists than Dobson could ever be. That said, I do as an individual draw a line at furries that harass other people and show creators, hurt animals or are combining their interests with some really weird sex fetishes (two words: diaper fur). Which I guess do many other people cause there is a healthy amount of furries and non furries who have standards. The thing is just Dobson seems to think all furries are the same. Not to forget that for a long time he did everything denying he was interested in furries, citing his college as a reason for it cause people there installed a hatred for furries into him. A wonder then he would even enjoy Looney Tunes anymore. And honestly, himof all people mocking people for having a “sick” fetish? I am sorry Dobson, but compared to the kind of inflation you drew, I would say the average furry (as in someone who just draws two adult fursonas making out with each other under consent) is less “disturbing” than you. Someone who did not just inflate the female, at times underaged victims, but also made them pop/killed them.

DnD: I wish I had the comment Dobson posted on deviantart under the comic, as in it he digged himself even deeper with every panel and the explanations he gave. Just to show I am not pulling it out of my ass when I say for DnD one of the main reasons he hated it was that he thought nerds made the fantasy genre even nerdier by adding math to it.

Oh no. The fact people have to add numbers from a couple of dices together is too high of a math concept for Dobson. So those people must have absolutely no lives and are all just fat, bald and with acne.

Seriously though, fuck off. I am not into table top gaming, but whoever is, they shall just have fun. And stop body shaming nerds with the way you draw the DnD player here (and in that other infamous DnD comic he did), especially when you yourself look like a shaved egg in real life. Heck, did you know of all people Vin Diesel enjoys DnD?

Just let the people enjoy their adventure campaigns and come together once in a while instead of being shut offs like you, whose only experience with an interactive fantasy story involves playing Skyrim at 10 fps.

And yes, I am aware that Dobson has changed his opinions on DnD now thanks to some podcast. But based on his record, I feel that Dobson only did join it because it is now the cool thing to care on average about DnD as nerd. In addition he also did not own up to his past “mistake” till people just called him out on his bullshit often enough.

Klingons: Okay, I am not much of a Trekkie myself, but again, I get that people just like the aesthetics of them and the story crafted around Klingon culture within the franchise. So, just let them have fun with it. What is even the “joke” here? That people enjoy it despite it “just” being black Asian barbaric samurai in space, which is a very simplistic, in my opinion even outright racist description based on the choice of words here? Frankly, I am glad he did not just also add a racist Japanese accent to the guy here.

So there you have it: Things Dobson does not understand and essentially mocks for existing. And don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with Dobson not “getting” those things. Everyone has their own tastes, likes and dislikes as well as reasons why they are into it or not. I e.g. understand that people enjoy Bob’s Burger, but I myself really do not like the show much, because most characters come off as annoying to me in terms of personality and quirks. That said, I understand the visual appeal to it, if you like it that is fine and if you ass why I don’t like it I will give an explanation to it. What I will not do is make a comic mocking the existence of it, imply that my disinterest is correlated to me thinking there is also something inherently wrong with you if you enjoy it and build my disinterest on none existing issues with the thing in question.

Dobson however seems to have done that quite a couple of times and combined with his self righteous nature, it becomes kinda obvious why people began hating his stuff to the point that almost all of 4chan and tumblr developed a stern disdain for him.

#adobsonsartwork #adobsonartwork #syac #andrew dobson #twilight #final fantasy 7 #final fantasy #ff7 #sports #western comics #dobson being a prick to nerds #so you are a cartoonist

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aborderlinehurricane · 4 years

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✨ Bpd Asks ✨

So I decided just to answer all of these because I know no one will actually inbox me a number lol

1. How did you find out about bpd?

I felt like I had it when I was like 15 and then when I turned 18 a doctor asked “has anyone ever diagnosed you with BPD?” And I said “no.” Then I was officially diagnosed.

2. How long have you been diagnosed?

Since I was 18. So almost 5 years.

3. What age do you think you started having bpd symptoms?

Honestly I think like 8 or 9. I had a lot of random emotional breakdowns when I was younger whenever I had a small disagreement with someone because I thought they were leaving me.

4. Do you have other mental illnesses? Does bpd complicate these illnesses? If so, in what way?

Bipolar, CPTSD, and Bulimia. Being treated for possible OCD and ADHD. It makes the CPTSD worse because they are very similar in some ways.

5. What do you do to deal with anger?

Still learning

6. What do you do to deal with depression?

I use my online social media accounts to express myself, go on tik tok, or talk to someone online.

7. What do you do to deal with anxiety?

slow breathing or do something with my hands.

8. What do your mood swings look and feel like?

Literally I could be fine and calm one minute then 3 mins later I’m severely depressed and suicidal then later on irritable and angry for no reason.

9. If you experience dissociation, what is that like for you personally?

It feels like nothing is real. Like I’m not real and the world isn’t real. Like I’m a character in a movie and I get really spacey. I sometimes forget where I am.

10. Are you more of a quiet borderline, classic borderline, or somewhere in the middle? If you’re in the middle, what traits do you have of quiet and classic bpd?

In the middle. Kinda classic by which I have occasional outbursts. But mostly quiet because I turn inward most times and self harm or have suicide attempts. Probably like 40% classic and 60% quiet.

11. Do you believe in the 4 types of bpd? If so, are you more of a discouraged, impulsive, petulant, or self-destructive borderline?

I believe in the 4 types and I believe someone can be more than one type. I am the discouraged and self-destructive type of borderline.

12. Were you ever misdiagnosed? If so, which mental illness were you misdiagnosed with? How did that affect your treatment?

I used to be diagnosed with major depressive disorder and then it was changed to bipolar disorder. I was once diagnosed with EDNOS and then it was changed to Bulimia Nervosa.

13. Do you have an fp? If so, how do you cope with having such a strong, influential relationship?

My fp tends to be mental health professionals like therapists and psychiatrists. It can be quite detrimental to the therapeutic relationship.

14. How many times have you been hospitalized? If you have been hospitalized, what was it like and did it help you in any way?

Sounds unreal but it’s been 38 times from 2011-2020. And it used to help at first but now it’s just an inconvenience.

15. What is your advice to someone who is considering hospitalization or is about to be hospitalized?

It’s okay to go they are there to help you but most of the help you’ll receive is actually from outpatient therapy.

16. Have you ever been in residential treatment? If so, what was it like and did it help?

Yes, I went to Timberline Knolls. The same place Demi Lovato and Kesha went for treatment in Illinois. It was helpful at first but I grew to hate it. Every week someone is trying to escape and the girls are super gossipy and catty.

17. What is your advice to someone who is considering residential treatment or is about to start residential treatment?

Please research people’s experiences and reviews of the facility before applying/going.

18. What is your advice to someone who has just been diagnosed with bpd?

Get involved with either a DBT therapist or DBT group. It’ll help a lot. Read up from different books and websites. And for GOD’S SAKE do not read that awful book “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me.”

19. Who do you look up to that influences your personality/way of thinking? What personality traits/ways of thinking have you taken on because of them?

I take traits from everyone I encounter and it’s always changing so this wouldn’t be a very short answer.

20. Who did you look up to when you were young (real or fictional)?

Katniss Everdeen because she’s just really strong and in the books I loved her cynical attitude. Lady Gaga and Demi Lovato were/are my role models for recovery. I’ve had a crush on Lady Gaga for several years as well lol.

21. How have you changed since you were first diagnosed? (Be proud of yourself, you’ve come a long way and I’m proud of you 💖)

Honestly I’ve just gotten worse but I’ve developed more insight.

22. What are some things related to your bpd that you still want to work on?

Dissociation, paranoia, innapropiate anger, self destructive tendencies, no sense of self, fear of abandonment.. okay I might as well say everything because I meet every criteria for bpd when you only need to meet 5...

23. Does bpd cause your opinions on things to change a lot?

Yeah other people’s opinions influence my opinions.

24. How are you feeling right now? What is currently influencing your mood?

Hopeless and tired. Mainly because I feel like my life is going nowhere.

25. Do you have any friends with bpd? If so, how is that friendship different than friendships with people who do not have bpd?

An online friend :) but I’ve several friends with bpd over the years. The friendship would never work out because we both have bpd and our personalities would just clash.

26. Favorite songs to listen to when you’re in a bad mood?

My Chemical Romance - The Light Behind Your Eyes

Clairo - Flaming Hot Cheetos

Jose Gonzalez - Crosses

Crown the Empire - Lead Me Out of the Dark

Imogen Heap - Hide and Seek

Chase Holfelder - Animal

27. What do you do to get yourself through a break down?

I yell, and try to take deep breaths and close my eyes.

28. What are your top 3 healthy coping skills?

Writing, art, and music

29. Do you channel your pain into any art forms such as drawing, singing, poetry, etc?

artwork, drawing, poetry, singing, crochet, ukulele, guitar, piano, and clarinet.

30. Are you more of the type to isolate and avoid others or need to be with people all the time because you’re afraid to be alone?

Isolation

31. Are you more of the type to overshare too much personal information or keep too much of yourself a secret out of fear of rejection?

I definitely overshare way too much.

32. Does bpd affect your appearance? For example, do you change your hair or clothing style frequently?

I’m always changing my style. I go from dressing emo, to goth, to punk, to tomboy, to now my current style: art hoe.

33. What keeps you alive?

Art and Music

34. How open are you about having bpd?

Pretty open with most people but I do get wary of being judged and stigmatized.

35. When starting a new relationship, when do you usually think it’s the right time to tell your partner you have bpd?

I have an issue with oversharing typically. But I usually wait depending on the person. Like I wait till we get to know each other then I tell them.

36. Do you listen to any songs that perfectly describe how you feel as a person who has bpd?

Lorde - Liability

Twenty One Pilots - I Need Something

P!NK - Don’t Let Me Get Me

37. Were you more of an innocent quiet child or a trouble maker growing up?

Innocent and quiet. But as a child I’ve had a lot of emotional outbursts under stress.

38. Are there any coping skills you want to try that you haven’t yet?

embroidery

39. Are you currently in recovery? If so, how is that going for you?

KInda. In therapy and I’m taking medications but I’m still struggling.

40. What keeps you motivated?

Answer not found

41. Does the bpd stigma affect you in any way? If so, how?

Yes because people see my behaviors and emotions as attention seeking & dramatic when it’s not.

42. Name 5 qualities you like about yourself.

Creative, smart, funny, that’s all I got...

43. Do you journal? If so, does it help you cope?

I use it occasionally to keep track of my chaotic days and behaviors.

44. Do you use any bpd/dbt related apps?

No.

45. List some of your favorite bpd blogs.

I don’t have any.

#aboutme #bpd #actually borderline #actually bpd #borderline personality disorder #actuallymentallyill #mentally ill #mental health

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amphtaminedreams · 5 years

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Mental Health Awareness Week: My Story

Hi to anyone who’s reading this!

My name is Lauren and this is my first personal post on my Tumblr (which I’m using because I am a granny who can’t be arsed to work out the basics of Wordpress). My intention in making this blog was ultimately to talk about mental health and fashion and things that interest me and I suppose I knew that ultimately I was going to make a post like this but I just didn’t realise it would be so soon. But then Theresa May lit up Downing Street and it was Mental Health Awareness week and Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness month and I realised, best to just get this out of the way before I can start making excuses to put it off until the end of time. It’s a hard post to make because I don’t exactly know who the audience will be; I’m writing it for the mental health community and anybody who’s interested in what Borderline Personality Disorder is/looks like but I’m also conscious of the fact that one day my family and friends and even potential employers could be reading this. How much detail am I supposed to go into? A lot of people still feel uncomfortable discussing topics like this; they start seeing you a different way when they know you suffer from a mental illness, even though you’re the same person you’ve always been. It’s also hard to know where to start when I’m talking about my mental health. I feel like other posts of a similar nature tend to have a clear start, beginning, and end. A clear cause or inciting incident, one self-explanatory, well-understood diagnosis, and a clear pathway to recovery. I don’t have a single, defining trauma I can pinpoint anything to, and I don’t think I have complex PTSD (which is often conflated with BPD but as I understand it, not always the same thing). I have a family history of mental illness and a series of less significant events that in hindsight might have affected me more than I originally thought, but until I became able to think about concepts such as “mental health” and self-image and relationships in the abstract, I believed that I generally had a pretty happy childhood. My family did their very best and they loved me and we always had a roof over our heads and food on our plates. When I did start to conceptualise my mental health, I kind of thought of it as a wave of depression and insecurities and anxieties that hit me when I was in my early teens. I think this is the same for a lot of people. Only when I got a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (which I will shorten to BPD for the purpose of making this easier to read, lol!) in October 2018 did I question that.

I’ve done a lot of questioning since I got the diagnosis, the same kind of questions that make this post hard to write. Am I really that ill? Am I not just being dramatic? Do I have any right to feel like this given the privilege I have? When in reality, this deep-rooted gut instinct to doubt who you are and what you have a right to feel is an intrinsic part of BPD.

There are 9 key symptoms involved in the disorder, 5 of which must be experienced to a degree that is severe enough to affect your day to day functioning in order to receive a diagnosis. My formal assessment which took place during my stay at an inpatient psychiatric ward in October 2018 revealed I was just on the cusp of receiving a diagnosis; in 5 of the 9 categories I scored highly enough that the symptom was impairing my ability to function, thus I only just qualified (lucky me!). That’s what mental illness is really, a collection of ingrained and/or inherited behaviours that are inhibiting one’s day to day life. With regards to BPD, these 9 behaviours or symptoms are as follows:

1. Fear of abandonment (check).

2. Unstable relationships.

3. Unclear or shifting self-image (check).

4. Impulsive, self-destructive behaviours (check).

5. Self-harm (check).

6. Extreme emotional swings (check).

7. Explosive anger.

8. Dissociative experiences (check).

9. Chronic feelings of emptiness (check, check, CHECK).

See, when the diagnosis was first suggested to me informally by a community mental health nurse in June of 2018, I was a bit like…what?! That can’t be me! I don’t have outbursts (it’s okay if you do and you’re working on it)! I don’t scream and throw things (again, okay if you do and are working on it)! And I’m definitely not manipulative (any person can be manipulative so I don’t even know where this one comes from)! That was, like, all I knew about BPD. Stereotypes. Think Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction type bullshit, we’re talking the woman that coined the phrase bunny boiler. I didn’t know that BPD can present in a million different ways, based on the person who’s suffering with it, because I thought BPD was the person. The widespread consensus on BPD isn’t the most humanising. So I hope me explaining how it’s affected my life and the way its presented itself over the years helps in turning the tide, which so many amazing people have already begun to do by sharing their stories. My aim is to do the same.

I’ve had a lot of time to think about the areas in which BPD has affected my life since my formal assessment, in which I felt I learnt a lot more about the disorder. In particular, the idea that I was always this happy child that got hit by a wave of inexplicable, crippling depression once I hit my teenage years. I remember during the assessment, the doctor asking me to talk about my early relationships and it kind of struck me at that moment that I’d been going through this pattern of switching between extreme attachment towards versus extreme devaluation of my relationships with the closest people in my life for as long as I could remember. My first real best friend of several years basically stopped speaking to me (and in hindsight, I do not blame her, lmao!) when we were about 12 because I can only imagine she was sick of me either picking a fight or desperately seeking her reassurance every time she dared to hang out with another friend. I remembered how it felt when she did choose to spend time with somebody else rather than me: “oh my god, she likes them more, she finds me boring, she hates me and she doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore! Everything’s over! I’ll never find anyone who loves me like she does because why would they? I can’t go on with my life until I know that she isn’t going to leave me!”. I think at that age, everyone has that shrill inner voice that doesn’t exactly consider logic or react in the most sensible way, but instead of my shrill inner voice going away, it just faded to more of a constantly niggling monotone that continued to affect the way I behaved around other people for years to come. This was just one of the signs that things weren’t as they should be from an early age. I think I was around 13 when the Child Adolescent Mental Health Services (otherwise known as the dreaded CAMHS), whom my parents had initially got me referred to for sleeping problems, diagnosed me with generalised anxiety and social phobia. Social phobia, despite this being its DSM name, is more commonly known as social anxiety. This came about after I had undergone successful CBT for said sleeping problems and thought I’d just drop it in, as you do, that basically, every social interaction felt like I was putting on a desperate show to keep the few remaining people left in the theatre from walking out. I told them that school was emotionally exhausting me. Whilst after the first couple of rocky years of transitioning from primary to secondary school I had developed a close group of friends, I still felt like aside from the closet few of them, absolutely nobody liked me. That was definitely true of some people, but likely not to the extent I envisioned it. I had come to feel, I suspect due to a combination of genes and a few environmental factors, like I was inherently unloveable and annoying, and even though I’m in a good place right now, these are things I continue to struggle with. When you’ve believed these things for so long, to act according to them is second nature.

The thing about BPD is that it’s hard to determine what is a co-morbidity and what is part of The Disorder™. I’m still not quite sure whether my social anxiety was in and of its own issue or if it was driven by the borderline symptom of fearing abandonment. Even recently, during a period of relative stability, I went back to my GP about dysmorphic thoughts concerning my body and appearance as I believe they go beyond the threshold of what is to be expected as part the unstable self-image facet of BPD. Whilst I can accept, for example, that the self-harming and binge eating I began indulging in around the same time I received my anxiety diagnoses were my way of coping with the mood swings and chronic feelings of emptiness I was also experiencing (get me working in the checklist of symptoms here, I imagine this is how film writers feel when they namedrop the movie in the characters’ dialogue), I have a feeling the image issues I have would exist regardless of the influence of the unstable self-image part of BPD. I mean, would perfectionism alone take me to the extremes of punishing myself for missing out on all A*s by an A or two at GCSE and A-level, forcing myself to do a degree I had no particular interest in just because the university was in the single digits in the international league tables, or at one point eating only apples for 10 days until I could barely stand up because I wanted to look like those girls on 2013 emo black and white Tumblr? Probably not. But you don’t need to have an unstable self-image to latch onto the idea that only the very best will do in today’s world, lol (typed with a totally straight face)! Yeah, if the niche that is socialist twitter has taught me anything it’s that, that’s like, late-stage capitalism for you. It’s hard to look at myself and know what is a good quality, or just a character trait, and what is disordered. I think when you call a mental illness a personality disorder, the people who are labelled with it are inevitably going to have that problem.

Surprising absolutely no-one, trying to fit into these ideals I had created and emotionally detaching myself from my friends and family didn’t do any good for my wellbeing. I gave into self-destructive impulses with increased frequency and as I went into sixth form and drifted even further away from the few people I did feel close to, I began to experience derealisation (not depersonalisation, though this is something a lot of people with BPD do experience). This would come under the dissociative experiences symptom of the BPD. It was like my eyes were glass windows and I was just watching life unfold in front of me from the other side. It’s not as if I didn’t have control of my actions, I did, I threw myself into revision, but it all just felt slightly unreal, like I was going through the motions, almost robotically, detached from everyone around me. Everything was muted. Generally, I find that my mood swings between 5 different states: lethargic depression, extreme distress, anxious irritability, an almost mania like sense of confidence and purpose, and a more pleasant calmness. The best way to explain how I experience this switch is that I can almost physically feel the gear of my brain shift, with this change of energy then flowing down to the rest of my body. My thoughts take on a different tone of voice, my body feels heavier, or if I’m going up, it’s like I can feel electricity running and crackling through me. It can happen in a split second, and it can be random, though often it’s triggered by something as small as a phone call or how much I’ve eaten. If multiple plans fall apart at the same time, it can be enough to make me angry at the world and distrustful of everyone in my life, closed off and weighed down. However, back when I was experiencing this derealisation, I remember only really switching back and forth between feeling numb and feeling passively suicidal; I feel like I lost my teenage years to this big, grey cloud of meh-ness that fogged up my brain and obfuscated my ability to regularly feel any positive emotion. To use a cliche, there was this void inside of me that nothing would fill and I had learnt that trying to use relationships to do this was dangerous for me because without sounding melodramatic, it hurt too much when I felt they weren’t reciprocating my love (what a John Green line, lmao).

My fear that people didn’t like me morphed into paranoia that even the people I was supposed to be friends with were ridiculing me the second I left the room; please don’t laugh when I say my greatest pleasure during this time was to go home at lunchtime to avoid having to spend an hour sat with them so I could eat Dairy Milk Oreo, nap and listen to The Neighbourhood (careful, don’t cut yourself on that edge!). I put on a lot of weight due to binge eating, would often leave sixth form early or skip it altogether, and saw my GP, who reestablished my anxiety diagnoses now with an exotic side order of depression. When it comes to NHS services where I live, I’ve kind of won the postcode lottery. There’s a large, conservative elderly population which I’m assuming is the reason our area receives a lot more funding than other, debatably more deserving other areas, and this meant that along with prescribing me the first of many SSRIs I was to try, I was also referred back to CAMHS. I’d been discharged from them about 2 years prior, and what had back then been about a 1 or 2-month waiting list to be seen had doubled in longevity since. I say I won the postcode lottery because, in a lot of places, it’s not uncommon for people to still be waiting to be seen by their local mental health team over a year after they’re first referred. Even so, the help I was offered was very minimal; I met a counsellor once every couple of months that didn’t really specialise in any particular kind of therapy and would kind of just talk at me for the hour I saw her. This was in spite of me expressing suicidal feelings and regularly self-harming.

That being said, by the time I left sixth form, I had finally found an SSRI that worked to blunt the intensity of my social anxiety. I was attending my “perfect” university with my “perfect” grades and (prepare yourself for the twist of the century) I finally managed to get my lazy arse to the gym, and get to that “perfect” weight. I was forming emotional connections with people for the first time in years. On a shallow level, in my first year of uni, things were finally beginning to look up, and yet I was experiencing worse mood swings than ever, becoming more dependent on drugs and alcohol to function through these, and throwing myself into intense friendships where anything less than utmost enthusiasm on the other end of the relationship would send me back into that “oh my god, I’ll never make another friend in my life, I’ll always be alone, I can’t deal with this, the only way to deal with this pain is to end it!” mode. I don’t know why things got so drastic so suddenly. Maybe it was being away from my parents, or maybe it’s just that late teens/early twenties are a time when negative emotions do tend to get more serious after being repressed for years and consequently accumulating. The whole having to be the smartest person in the room to maintain a sense of self shtick was also taking a bit of a hit because university is bloody hard and everyone’s bloody smart and bloody passionate and here I was not even understanding what the assigned reading was trying to say let alone having any brilliant ideas about it to contribute; I was so quiet in one of my seminar groups the lecturer forgot I existed in a class with a grand total of 9 students. Big fish in a little pond to little fish in a big pond syndrome or maybe just more simply put, imposter syndrome, is a real thing and when you struggle with your identity anyway, it’s enough to throw you off completely. I finished that year with a first but I told myself it probably wouldn’t happen again. A couple of days later, feeling shit and overwhelmed, I did what I’d taken to doing to manage my emotions, and got high. The delusional episode ended me up in A&E for self-harm, and when they let me go the next day, I travelled back to my family home and pretended nothing was wrong.

The whole “act like everything’s fine” approach doesn’t work in the long term. 10/10 would not recommend. Without my parents around, when I went back to uni in September, everything fell apart again. I was using drugs every day, either not eating at all or binge eating, self-harming, binge drinking regularly, skipping all my lectures. Honestly, when I think back to that time it’s like I’m watching myself from outside my body. I was feeling very done with the dumpster fire (how very American of me) that was my brain. I was done with the constant 100mph up and down internal monologue. I was done with trying to cope and to hold myself together. I intentionally overdosed multiple times and after one sent me to A&E, my dad brought me home from university. It was a horrible shock for my parents: they knew I was a worrier that could be a little closed off and miserable sometimes, and they were the ones who’d first taken me to CAMHS when I was younger, but they’d struggled with that, and so from then on I’d tried to keep my issues to myself. To be honest, I don’t blame them at all for not realising anything was drastically wrong. I did a pretty good job of hiding my problems; everyone had their own things to deal with and so I became quite adept at internalising my feelings and acting “inwards” rather than outwards. It was also definitely a case of things escalating whilst I was away. With all this in mind, the overdose kind of came out of nowhere for them, but I was so detached from reality I didn’t even consider this at the time. Thankfully, I can’t really remember how they actually reacted either. Benzodiazepines do that to you, a little tidbit of information that all these teen rappers and social media personalities hyping up Xanax fail to mention. I think my dad made the decision to bring me home rather than have me stay in hospital in London, as was offered, because he thought that would be better for me. However, a few days later, after numerous, distressing visits from the crisis team (another name that will be regrettably familiar to anyone who has experienced severe mental health problems before), where I can only assume a lack of time and recourses on their part forced me to repeat what had happened over and over again to the revolving door of staff members, I took another overdose. I had become paranoid that they were out to get me and falsely believed that I was too much of a burden on my family, who were having to take time off work to look after me. This time from A&E, I went on to stay in a psychiatric ward where I was given the formal diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder I mentioned earlier. And it’s here that my life changed forever, I believe for the better.

It changed my life for many reasons. Firstly, it was incredibly validating. To learn that I didn’t have a plethora of different problems but rather one problem, the different facets of which can present themselves in many different ways and affect multiple areas of your life, was so, so reassuring. It not only gave me a clear treatment path but helped me to understand that there was a reason all this was happening. Additionally, the events forced me to open up to my parents and for them to grasp the severity of the situation. After all these years, I finally felt like I had a support system. My parents had always been there before but I had emotionally distanced myself from everyone, and being a “typical teenager” I believed they didn’t understand me (get that angst). I think in retrospect they didn’t understand me because I wasn’t using the right words. I didn’t want to sound dramatic so whenever I spoke to either of my parents about how I felt, I downplayed it a lot. My mum, who works so incredibly hard and has a lot on her plate herself, had a tough upbringing so her approach to me being miserable was pretty much telling me to be grateful for what I had. Had she known what I was really getting at, I know that she wouldn’t have reacted like this to what I was saying. The minute I got my diagnosis, she went out and bought every (mildly offensively titled) book on how to support someone with BPD out there and I learnt today has even been trying to bring an emphasis on mental health into her workplace! She is a wonderful person.

With all this being said, my main piece of advice for other people who are newly diagnosed with BPD or just suffering from any kind of mental health condition is to be brutally honest with the trusted people around you about what you’re dealing with. It will be uncomfortable but I can promise it’ll be worth it. With something like BPD, having a support system who know exactly what you’re dealing with, minus the vagueness and the bullshit, is so, so important. I say this because, despite Theresa’s green lights, neither she nor her party are doing much in the way of providing the funding for professional help. When I first came out of hospital, I had a lot of nights where I felt incredibly depressed, almost as depressed as I did before I went in. Prior to my family knowing about my BPD diagnosis, I would have dealt with these feelings in unhealthy ways but this time, I could go to my mum and stay with her and just cry it out until the feeling passed. That is also a useful sentiment to remember, that the feelings will pass. It’s in the nature of BPD to swing around, when I’m not experiencing a period of depression, and that’s something I find it helpful to remember. I personally really like the Youper app to track my moods because when I do get suicidal, feel anxious or wired, I have something to look at objectively to remind myself that I did feel like this before, in fact, I felt like this yesterday, but a few hours later I told the app I felt okay again. It also helps you to dissect your irrational thought processes and identify “thinking traps”. Meditation, ASMR and CBD are big parts of my life and stability, though I would recommend doing some research into the latter before trying it yourself.

On a less subjective, more physiological level, I notice that my medication really aids my emotional stability; when I have been off it, my mood swings are a lot more intense. So whilst medication isn’t for everyone, it can be something to consider talking to your GP about to see if it could be beneficial for you. Another help is the DBT skills course I completed in March, DBT being the abbreviation of dialectical behavioural therapy, the treatment specifically developed for BPD by Marsha Linehan. If you have time, she’s a great person to do some research into. She herself was diagnosed with what doctors called an “incurable” case of BPD yet she’s gone on to do the most incredible things and help so many people also suffering from the disorder. Not only did DBT provide me with a skill set of more functional coping mechanisms for both interpersonal insecurities and individual struggles, but I liked the fact that once a week I got to be with a group of people who really understood what I’m dealing with and didn’t judge. Even if you can’t find a DBT group, it’s worth checking to see if there are any mental health peer support groups in your area for this reason. I found that being around people who are dealing with similar issues helped me to see my own struggles more objectively; it reminds you that what you’re experiencing is not about you personally and that whilst you may feel isolated, you’re not. The world hasn’t got it out for you. It’s a condition that many people experience. In terms of the feelings of emptiness BPD causes, I have found that since my diagnosis, I’ve actually had more of a sense of purpose in life. On a practical level, having therapy along with a year out of uni and the presence of a constant support system has had me time to get back into writing properly. What I’ve found to be even more rewarding, however, is my participation in the online mental health community.

Something I wasn’t made aware of prior to my diagnosis was the amount of stigma there is still towards mental health issues, Borderline Personality Disorder especially. It really is one of the most demonised mental health issues in and outside of the healthcare system and that’s a hard fact to learn, because it’s a difficult enough condition to learn to manage already without knowing that there are people out there who think you’re a monster for it and are going to judge everything you do through a certain lens. Whilst we are a lot more accepting as a society of conditions like depression and anxiety, conditions such as bipolar, schizophrenia and personality disorders are still greatly misunderstood by wider society who have largely taken their understandings of these illnesses from ill-informed media portrayals and shallow, surface-level observations of a sufferer’s behaviour. I doubt the name “personality disorder” helps matters; it’s hardly the most flattering description of what we’re dealing with I’ve ever heard. I’ve found that even mental health professionals and other mental illness sufferers have a negative bias towards BPD. There’s a widespread view that we are dangerous, manipulative individuals who choose to be difficult and act erratically, that our behaviour is not “organic” like that produced by other mental health problems. I have no idea where the latter assumption comes from. Most experts on the condition tend to agree that the mood swings, impulsive, destructive behaviour, and irrational thinking originate in the hypothalamus and come from a faulty fight-flight response or other atypical brain structures; in other words, BPD has a biological basis. Whilst I agree that we can learn to change our coping mechanisms, the idea that they are as a result of anything other than pure desperation and mental anguish is incredibly puzzling and dehumanising. Simply looking the causes of the condition up online or doing a small amount of research from a credible source debunks all the common BPD stereotypes, yet people like to speak about it as if they know everything about the condition just because they’ve heard a few horror stories. There are nasty people in the world. Some of them have BPD, but that doesn’t mean everyone with BPD is a nasty person, and the bottom line is that most people suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder will hurt themselves before they hurt anyone else. We are so hypersensitive to any changes in our relationships in the first place that the last thing we want to do is damage them. When we say something feels like the end of the world, that’s because the emotional dysregulation part of BPD really makes it feel like it is. We’re not being dramatic or trying to get your attention. In fact, I can say for certain that despite feeling this way on a daily basis for about 7 years, I rarely actually voiced the sentiment. I still don’t. But I should be able to. To give the example of one person suffering from physical illness and one suffering from a mental illness, where both publicly talk about the pain they’re experiencing, why is only the latter of the two called an attention seeker? If the former tweeted about how much pain they were in, nobody would bat an eyelid. Why is this? When so many people experience mental health problems? When the gender who are typically expected by society to repress their feelings accounted for over 70% of suicide victims in the UK last year? It’s clear that keeping our feelings to ourselves and suffering in silence doesn’t do us any good, so why are so many so eager for us to continue doing so? I think being open about mental health simply needs to be normalised, and that once it is, hopefully, this sentiment will die out. I find that by being open about my mental health on social media (still quite selectively, I must admit! I can’t see myself making a post about BPD on Facebook any time soon!) has given me a sense of purpose because I do feel like I’m helping to normalise this kind of honesty. With regards to the stigma that surrounds BPD specifically, I feel that my presence online and my support of others helps to show that we’re just human beings who are struggling, not the awful mythos that surrounds us.

To finish, one of my main goals in my recovery is to be more compassionate to myself. BPD is a hard enough diagnosis to have without constantly internally doubting and questioning it. I find that as the months go by, I am feeling more and more stable, and this leads me to question if I was ever sick, especially since I only displayed 5/9 of the borderline traits in the first place, which meant that I only just met the diagnostic criteria. I don’t have psychotic rage or complete blackouts and tend to act inwards rather than outwards. I am what is considered within the mental health community to be a “quiet” borderline. I know theoretically that this doesn’t make my condition any less valid, but for this reason, part of me fears moving towards being “well”. Because if I’m well, then I feel like I’ve lost part of an already fragile identity. Of course, I’d rather not have BPD. But because I’ve been expressing symptoms for so long, I worry what’s left of me without it. At the same time, I fear going back to a place where my BPD is so severe that I have to go back to hospital. So really, it’s like you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. It’s a double-edged sword. Is that enough cliches? The thing that I wish more people could understand is that mental illness in itself is traumatic and that even when you’ve moved on, what you experienced will always be a part of you. You still need that support. I’m not going to lie, resisting the urge to indulge in old coping mechanisms and habits is hard, and whilst the sense of pride I feel every time I don’t, or every time I use responsibly something I’m used to abusing is rewarding, there are days where waiting for the need to use them to pass is very long and very hard. I need to stop telling myself that just because I am feeling better than I did, I don’t deserve that support anymore. I do. I still deserve compassion. I still deserve a safety net. I still deserve a sense of understanding from the people around me. I deserve all of it, as does everyone else. I also deserve to be proud of how far I’ve come already instead of berating myself for not having come far enough. As I write this I haven’t self-harmed in 169 days, have been at my current job for coming up to 6 months, have an interview for a psychology course at the uni I came to love in a week’s time. I’m finally somewhat healthily managing my weight for the first time in years! I have also decided that once I do return to university, my reason for being there is not contingent on me maintaining firsts; my mental health, and what I do with the degree is much more important. I would ultimately like to go into clinical psychology and do as much as I can in that area to help people going through similar issues. With the current state of the mental health (and healthcare, in general) system in the UK, it’s definitely easy to get disheartened that the services it provides will never be adequate due to funding issues. However, in the meantime, I think the more of us with lived experience that can get into mental health care, the better the service that eventually is provided can be. Every week I’m thinking of new things I’d like to research once I have the footing, epigenetic and intergenerational trauma and the use of psychedelics and the benefit of peer support groups. There’s always a way to turn the negative into a positive, even if it takes time to learn how to do so and I think after all these years, I’m finally getting the hang of it. If my brain has been a “dumpster fire” for the last however many years, then I don’t want to let the ashes go to waste. I’m going to make them into some really morbid confetti! As I sit here writing this, I can firmly say I am happier than I’ve ever been. Game of Thrones is pissing me off (might do a post how identity and attachment issues lead to a correlation between BPD and obsessive character fixations at some point because BOY has that been driven home to me this week!) but tomorrow I’m going to an ABBA party with uni friends, Yvie Oddly is smashing drag race, and my cat is lying next to me purring. It gets better. The hard days become less frequent and they get easier to cope with too; you can learn to ride the waves and find reasons to continue doing so, regardless of how tiring it might be sometimes.

My pipe dream for this time next year is that we have people in government who really care about the invisibly ill of this country. That Downing Street can do more than turn green. I hope that we get to see more realistic and sympathetic portrayals of BPD in the media that draw attention to the issue without glamourising or romanticising it and that we get more portrayals of queer, disabled and POC experiences of mental illness too as it’s not just skinny caucasian girls that deal with this shit! Most importantly, I also hope that I continue to flourish, and wish the same for everyone struggling with mental illness/any kind of turmoil. Anybody who reads this ’til the end, wow! Thank you! It was a bit of an essay but what do you expect coming from an ex-history student and wannabe author, lol! Please let me know if there is something you’d like to see me post about on this Tumblr, such as any specific BPD symptoms and how they might present, how I deal with social anxiety and body image, or even anything completed unrelated to mental health! God knows I love the sound of my own…prose? Is that the right word to use?

I hope you enjoyed reading!

Lauren x

#mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #borderline personality disorder #borderlne #bpd #bpdrecovery #social anxiety #socialphobia #bpdprobz #body dysmorphia #recovery #addiction

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just-my-onion · 7 years

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Goodnight Dr. Forceps – a Bughead One-shot

Written in response to @jokerscrown ‘s prompt on bughead-fanfic-wishlist " A fic where Betty got injected with an anaesthetic because she broke her arm, and feels a little loopy after the operation. Jughead is the nurse in charge to take care of Betty, and loopy Betty kinda asks Jughead to marry her, and says she loves him. They both are strangers.” Read it on AO3 here The world was a little different during night shift. It often ushered in intoxicated demons; shadows stretched their gnarled fingers across the little hospital garden; and on the worst nights, when sleep had failed him completely, strange shapes danced along the edges of Jughead’s vision making it hard to be sure what was real.

So, it didn’t worry him quite as it perhaps should when he saw an angel in the ER waiting reception. He was rushing through, a car accident to attend to, so an impression of white gown, blonde waves and radiance was all he had a chance to capture.

Still, it stayed with him throughout the night.

*****

A few hours later, Jughead was in the middle of trying to calm down a shrieking five-year-old with a very painful ear infection, when his best friend Archie walked over.

“Jug, would you mind swapping and taking over the aftercare for my patient? She keeps asking for you”, Archie asked in a surprisingly sulky tone for someone asking a favour.

Archie was a good nurse, but sometimes Jughead couldn’t help but feel there was more than a little truth in his friend’s jokes about going into the profession because of its high female to male ratio.

“Asking for me?” he asked suspiciously. “It’s not Mrs. Wyndham again, is it?” The elderly and somewhat hypochondriac librarian had taken a shine to Jughead and would barely allow anyone else to tell her that there was really nothing wrong.

“No, a cute blonde. Solid 8.5. She’s said I was cute but then started insisting on speaking to, and I quote, ‘the glarey dark haired boy’. No idea why she wants you, but I think the anaesthetic has messed with her head a bit.”

“Gee thanks Arch, when you sweet talk me like that, how can I possibly say no?”

Jughead handed Archie Timmy’s notes and headed over to the bed his friend had just come from, where an angel was sitting, waving at him.

The angel turned out to be Betty Cooper, a beautiful blonde girl, who looked about the same age as Jughead and Archie. Big green eyes looked up at him from a heart shaped face that wore ever so slightly smudged lipstick. She must have tried to tidy her hair one-handed – it had been flowing in gold waves over her shoulder earlier but now was in a very lopsided ponytail. She was wearing a white lacy dress, pale blue ballet shoes and a large cast on her left arm.

“Hooray, it’s you!” she beamed. She looked a little drunk, but any alcohol she’d consumed would surely have all but worn off by now.

“Hi Betty. Err, do we know each other?”

“Not yet, but we will. We’re meant to, I can tell”, she smiled up at him.

He wasn’t sure what to say to that, so he concentrated on her notes.

“So, you broke your arm huh?”

“Yes, my best friend insisted I join her at this stupid fancy nightclub that makes me feel like a total hick, so I drank a few too many glasses of the champagne she ordered – I don’t even really like Champagne! – but then Ronnie disappeared, I think with this very boring man she spent way too long talking to, while I just got to know the champagne.”

Throughout her ramble, Betty pulled a series of increasingly animated facial expressions – it was hard not to be charmed.

“But then I was a bit worried and I wanted to go home so I went to find her and I guess I tripped on the stairs and this happened”, she raised her arm, “ouch!”

Jughead quickly helped her resettle her broken limb into the best position for her to hold it.

“Theeeeeeeeeeeen”, she took a deep breath, “I looked a bit more but I still couldn’t find Ronnie, so I walked home but she wasn’t there either and my arm was still hurting so I figured I’d better come to hospital.”

“You did all that with a broken arm?” Jughead asked, concern mixing with admiration. Who was this adorable but formidable young woman?

She shrugged. “Owww. Yeah, I figured it’s an arm not a leg and I don’t usually walk on my hands too much, so I might as well just wander in.”

He double-checked the very decent job the doctor had done and gave her the usual fracture after-care spiel, combined with the finer points of her own case, though it was clear she was struggling to maintain attention. He’d look up from the notes to find her gazing at his lips, before suddenly whipping her head around to stare in seeming wonderment at some of the more mundane equipment, then looking up and giggling, inexplicably, at the fluorescent overhead lighting.

She had an air of innocence and preppiness that would usually make Jughead bored or sceptical, or both, but her open demeanour, obvious intelligence despite the adorable anaesthesia dizziness, and kind, classically pretty face were utterly disarming.

“You really care about my health don’t you – ” she squinted at the hateful name tag Dr. Masters insisted all the nursing team wore, “Dr. Forceps?”

He couldn’t help but laugh, “It’s my job to care about your health, plus you’ve not called me emo or goth as yet, not racially abused anyone or spat in my face, so you’re officially on my nice list. But I’m a nurse, not a doctor I’m afraid, and it’s Forsythe, not Forceps.”

For a moment ‘normal’ Betty – or what Jughead imagined she must be like – seemed to resurface. She shook her head and blushed. “Oh gosh, I’m sorry Forsythe – I can read, honest! I’m actually an English teacher, would you believe.” She buried her face in her hands, wincing as she lifted her left arm.

She was even cuter when she was embarrassed and Jughead had the sudden stupid urge to run away. Instead he gently corrected the position of her arm again.

“Short of risking my job by failing to wear it, I’ve done everything I can to ruin the integrity of this stupid badge – it’s been through the washing machine more times than my actual laundry, I’ve tried scratching the letters off, I even got Archie to run over it once – so it’s no wonder you found it hard to read. Anyway, Forsythe is not really my name. It’s Jughead.”

“Jughead. Juggie Jug Jug Jughead”, she mused. “Ooooh and Archie! Was he the cute ginger boy who was in here earlier?”

Of course she was attracted to Archie really. Jughead was ashamed by how deflated he felt.

“Yup, Archie is our resident hottie.”

“He was cute but you’re beauuuuuuuuuuuuuutiful”, she slurred, gazing at him lovingly. “And he kept staring. Stupid dress. Staring at me, then getting distracted by all the other girls around. And he says he’s a musician really. I don’t want a musician, I want a nurse. Like you. You want to make me better. And your eyes are the best, Juggie. And you look like you like books. Good books. Not Dan Brown and Marian Keyes like Polly reads. And I want to touch your hair, very badly.”

She grabbed his hand, “Jughead … er… Nurse, will you marry me?” Her earnest, slightly tearful face was the loveliest thing he’d seen. Her ‘proposal’ should have been funny, and he knew it was just the drugs talking, but his heart was pounding.

“Hey, of course I will”, he replied in what he hoped was a light & breezy tone. It was hard to tell as he’d never felt light and breezy in his life. “Let’s get you all better and clear away this anaesthesia fog and then we can start planning.”

“How do you feel about kilts?” she asked.

There was little left to do now, and, even on quiet nights like this, the hospital was stringent about maintaining bed availability. It was time to discharge Betty, but he hated the idea of turning her out while the weird effects of the anaesthesia clearly hadn’t lifted.

And there was something else. Jughead loved his job, loved feeling like he was doing some small measure of good in the world, but he didn’t always love spending so much time with other people. They exhausted him, sometimes depressed him, and almost always compounded his sense of not-quite belonging. Yet right now he desperately wanted the world to just stop for a while, so he could simply sit here with this strange and wonderful girl for the rest of the night, without responsibilities pressing in on them.

“How are you going to get home Betty? Do you have someone that can pick you up?

“Oh, I’ll walk. I walked here, I can walk back no problemo.” She began saying “o, o, o” repeatedly, mouth like a fish’s.

“No way I’m letting you walk home at this time of night with only one arm.”

“Do you think I might be attacked by wolves?”

“Wolves or worse. Archie could catch up with you and ask your opinion on his new songs. I’d love to offer you a ride, but I’m on my bike and I don’t think you could hold on with that arm. What about your friend – Ronnie was it? – could she come and pick you up?”

“Phone is –” she blew a raspberry.

“Ok, well my shift is almost over, so if you don’t mind waiting just a little while for me, I can call you a cab and then sit with you until it’s here.”

She was still quite wobbly when he walked her to the car park, so he let her lean on him with his arm wrapped around her waist. They were almost at the bench when she suddenly wheeled around and up into him and clumsily crashed her lips onto his. He tried not to notice the softness of her lips and the crush of her breasts against his chest, tried not to notice that she tasted like strawberries, tried to concentrate only on the fact that this was his patient and she was only marginally in control of her own body and mind right now.

“Hey there Betts, you don’t want to do yourself anymore harm”, he said, very gently nudging her away from him and sitting her down on the bench.

It wasn’t a cold night, but in her flimsy dress, Betty was soon shivering.

“Here, take my jacket”, Jughead helped her into the soft fuzzy-lined denim. He’d never lost his teenaged tendency to hide himself in over-sized clothes, and the coat swamped her. She still looked cold so he leaned over and retrieved his beloved crown beanie out of one of the denim pockets. He pulled it down over her scruffy golden ponytail, and stroked the hair out of her eyes.

The image of her cuddled into his over-sized jacket, beanie almost falling down over one of her eyes made his chest ache. He hoped, suspected, he’d never forget it.

She slipped her hand into his, their fingers interlaced. Holding her hand felt so right somehow, the perfect fit, but she still wasn’t in a fully lucid state and he had a duty of care to her. Her wellbeing and his dedication to his profession were a lot more important than any pathetic feelings he might be having over someone who likely wouldn’t remember his name in an hour.

Squeezing his hand tighter before he could pull it away, she gazed up at him.

“Jughead? I love you.”

His heart stopped; he knew she was still in the anaesthetic fog, but he’d never before had those words spoken to him by anyone but family or Archie, had almost given up on it ever happening. The world felt suddenly wide open and vast and yet simultaneously shrunk down to the size of a hospital car park. The stars pressed in around them and glittered from her beautiful angel’s eyes.

Her taxi was approaching. He squeezed her hand softly before gently disentangling their fingers, “I’m pretty sure I could love you too, Betty Cooper.”

#bughead #bughead fic #bughead fanfiction

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enigmasalad · 7 years

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Modern Hamilton headcannons(not genderbent)

(this isnt in the “Broken Heart of John Laurens” universe btw)

Alex: A sassy,coffee loving, hoodie wearing dude from the Caribbean. Always has his hair up and has noticeable dark circles but he’s still handsome as hell.Openly Bi and he’s super smart. He’s close to his “adoptive family” which includes, Gwash, Martha Washington and Lafayette. He loves his boyfriend John Laurens so much (even though he’s screwed up many times and yeah) and would do anything for turtle boy.

John: Gay and here to stay. He is studying to be a doctor but in his free time he’s a freelance artist. He’s part of many human rights campaigns with Angelica and can win a fist fight easily (note: He has lost so he’s not invincible). He also really likes turtles. He even has a tattoo of one. He has a sad and dark side hidden under his happy side. He was disowned and neglected and he feels like he’s often not good enough.

Lafayette: SOME FRIGGIN FAIRY TALE PRINCE FROM FRANCE. Seriously he’s gorgeous and gets a lot of attention from both guys, gals and nonbinary pals. He likes experimenting with makeup and both masculine and feminine clothing (thanks to his boyfriend’s interest in fashion). He’s also really great with hair and often helps anyone who wants it. He is the adopted son of the Washingtons and loves his family greatly. Very smart too. He is the mom friend and is very protective over John ‘cause thats his baby.

Hercules: He’s tough and buff yo. Under that tough exterior though is a sweet teddy bear who likes making clothes and doing makeup. He’s one of the top fashion designers in NYC and he loves it. Very focused on making clothes for all body types. He loves his boyfriend so much and the two act like an old married couple. Peggy is his GFF (Girl-friend forever) and the two meme the hell out of everyone. James Mads is his brother from another mother mainly cause they look ridiculously similar. It’s scary actually.

Aaron: He’s very smart but insecure. That makes him hesitant to show his own opinions. He is good friends with Alex and James Madison but he’s on the bench about Thomas. He also is kind of flirty but it usually fails. However he gave apick up line to a woman named Theodosia and she laughed. When he was about to retreat she asked if they could get lunch together. Thats how the two became lovey dovey love birds. He’s a lawyer and a pretty good one at that. He wears sweater vests often.

Thomas: He is always wearing top line clothing (usually in purple hues). Is openly Bi and is filthy rich and very intelligent. He can be a bit...quick to action at times and would probably be in a wheel chair if not for his best friend James Madison. Also James is his secret crush and he tries to let James by going the playboy route. Y’know..to make him jealous. So far he realizes it’s not working out.

James: James is an awkward, shy and sickly small human. He wears a lot of gray,black and other neutral colored sweaters every..single..day. He’s the type of character that is often seen in the background. He likes baking, gardening and playing violin and piano. He loves emo/alternative music. Like he can play and si This is Gospel on piano really well and sing it well too. It’s surprised a lot of people. He’s very intelligent and is often the voice of reason. Also seen as slightly intimidating too. His GFF is Dolley Todd and she tries to encourage him to be more out there. She also drags him to her girl meetings. Did I mention he is super gay for Thomas?

Eiza: She’s a sweet person who is way to pure for this cruel and unforgiving world. Well her Girlfriend and her friends would say that. And its true. She does a lot of charity work but works as a psychiatrist. SHe loves her sisters and is very protective over Peggy (not as bad as Angelica though). She friggin loves her girlfriend Maria so much and is the most protective over her. Heck she punched James Reynolds in the face at least three times. The two are awesome together.

Angelica: She is a writer for a news paper for topics such as sexism or racism. She is part of many human rights campaigns with John (who is her best male friend) and can sass her way out of things. Why? She’s fucking smart. Like really smart. She is protective over her sister the most but is also protective over Maria, John, James Madison, Laf and Theodosia Prevost. She is women power in the flesh.

Peggy: The meme Goddess herself. She always references memes in almost every conversation. She is such a joy to be around and will always help her family and friends. She does crazy shit with Herc and the two play pranks. She’s openly bi (more on the female side though) and is part of human rights acts. She can also make some sick cocktails.

Maria: She’s quiet and has a seductive facade. In reality she feels helpless and depressed because of ther loveless and abusive marriage. However with the help of Aaron Burr and Eliza Schuyler she managed to divorce and get a restraining order on her ex. She loves tea and calls Eliza her little tea leaf. She likes hanging out with Theo, Dolley and James Madison (over tea and gossip). She likes gardening and cooking very much and presses flowers. Her laugh is also really cute. Like it starts out like a deep and quiet chuckle of sorts and then it gets higher and gigglier and she snorts a lot during it. She is so sweet.

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just-a-dash-of-imagination-blog · 7 years

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I Will Always Save You: Part 1

Emmett x Reader

Warnings: Depression, Insomnia, Self-hatred, abusive relationships, loss of family members (parents and grandparents), eventually fluff and happiness in one of the next ones

The circles under your eyes continued to get darker, this was your third day without sleep. “Sweetie, I need you to get up. School starts tomorrow and you have to go.” Your mom told you, you looked at her and sighed.

“I don’t understand why you’re making me go to this new school, I am a senior who knows nobody.” You told her, getting out of bed and taking your daily hour long shower. This was going to be the worst, you’ve been the new girl several times before, but never a place this small. You and your mom were on the run from the man that fathered you, but that’s not important right now.Tomorrow you were going to this place called Forks High School, that is four times smaller than the last place you went.

“Mom, how is a smaller town safer. I’m going to be eighteen in less than a month, so I’ll be easier to find.” You told her, she looked up and smiled at you.

“Well, I know a few people here and it has been a while since we’ve been anywhere that we know someone. I thought it would be nice for a chance.” She said, but you just looked down holding back tears. Yea, she knew them, but you did not. You never got to know anyone because your father would ruin everything, he’d show up and we would run again, leaving you with no friends and only one family member, your phone only had two contacts: Mom and 911, that was it.

“Hey, there’s still plenty of light left to this day, do you want to get some new clothes?” Your mom asked you and you just shook your head no, “Okay sweetie, let me know when you need something.” That was your mom’s way of saying ‘I love you’, she never said the real thing. You finally got were in the bathroom, you stared at yourself in the mirror. The bags under your eyes, the purple turning to black, your face was even sunken in a little. The longer you looked at yourself the sicker you felt, so you decided to quit and jump in the scolding hot shower. You slid down the wall and sat allowing the water to run over you, trying to wash yourself away, but that would never work.

After you got out you got ready for bed, it was actually pitch black outside instead of that dull grey, even though you didn’t mind the constant grey and rain. You told your mom a goodnight and she always gives you a tight hug before bed, always scared it might be her last. This night you actually fell asleep because the exhaustion took over you, but once your eyes closed you saw it all, here is where I explain why you and your mother are on the run. You were tiny and helpless, you’ve already been beaten to where you couldn’t even stand and blood slowly dripped down your face, you saw your mom standing there with a gun to her head and your father was the one holding it. You tried screaming, but you weren’t able to. Your mother somehow escaped and picked you up and ran out of the house to your grandparents’, but he came to their house and you heard the sound of the gun going off then your grandma screaming and fighting your father telling you and your mom to leave, then you heard the next shot, but you and your mom were driving off in your grandparents’ car.

You woke up screaming and crying, your mom rushes into your room, “Baby girl, what’s wrong, come here,” She said wrapping her arms around your weeping form, “It’s been a while since you’ve had that dream, happens every time we go some place new, doesn’t it?” She said with a small sympathetic smile on her face. She laid down on the bed with you and you guys talked until you both finally fell asleep.

“Come on, wake up! Time for school!” Your mom could be peppy when she wanted to be, she was always good at hiding her fear. You slowly got out of bed, then went to the bathroom to get ready, the circles weren’t as dark, but your eyes were puffy from the crying, and there was nothing you could do with your hair so you threw it up into a simple ponytail.

You didn’t have your own car so your mom drove you to school, she dropped you off in front of the office area, this school was tiny compared to your last one, at least you shouldn’t get lost this time. You walked inside and the woman already knew who you were, “Here’s your papers Ms. y/l/n. It even includes a map of the school, so you should be able to find every building, and if you need help finding something don’t hesitate to ask! Anybody will be willing to help you find your class.”

You found all of your classes before school started so you wouldn’t get lost, the classes before class went by quickly, you even managed to talk to a few people, but they were mainly nosy. Eventually it was lunch time, you got in there with no idea where to sit, so you sat alone, but a few people came to sit with you, excited about the new student. People kept trying to talk to you, but you mostly ignored them, you weren’t liking this whole small school thing. You happen to look up and catch a glimpse of some people sitting by themselves towards the corner.

“Who are they?” You accidentally asked out loud.

“That’s the Cullens and Hales. Dr. Cullen and his wife adopted them. The pretty blondes are the Hales, Jasper and Rosalie Hale. Then all of the others are Cullens, the tiny weird girl is Alice, the emo looking guy is Edward, then the brute is Emmett. They’re all a little weird and they don’t talk to anybody.” Some girl answered you, then you heard one of the girls whisper, ‘she’d fit in perfectly over there, she’s kinda a freak.’ After that comment you got up and moved to an empty table, you didn’t feel like being around those people anymore.

The rest of the day seemed to drag, turns out one of the Cullens was in your class and he kept staring at you, you just figured you looked funny so you just looked down at your desk. Once school was over your mom was already waiting for you in the parking lot, you were on your way to the car, but ended up bumping into something big and falling on your butt.

You heard a deep laughter, “Sorry about that, I haven’t seen you here before.” He looked you up and down, “Hi, I’m Emmett Cullen.”

“Hi, I’m y/n. My mom’s waiting on me or I’d talk more, I’ve got to go.” You said to him, trying hard not to sound rude.

“Nice meeting you, y/n. I hope we can speak more tomorrow.” Emmett said to you then walked in the opposite direction.

Your mom did the basic asking how your day was, did you make any friends, how was your classes, and so on. The night passed by and you actually fell asleep with no dreams that night. When you woke up in the morning your eyes weren’t puffy and the dark circles were a little lighter.

A few weeks passed and school was the same everyday, you talked to nobody till the very end of the day when Emmett Cullen would ask you about your day, you’d answer, he left so you left. I guess you could call him a friend even. Then your mom would go over her same questions, you didn’t mind it because you liked routine, you were even a little less sad than usual. You even forgot to look in the mirror and tell yourself how horrible you were, you were beginning to ever like Forks.

You woke up in the middle of the night hearing your mother screaming, so you got up and got the gun your mother got you out from your bedside table. You ran to her room and you saw him, your father over top of your mother. She was trying to fight back, but his knee was pressed against her chest. You raised the gun and shot a warning round into the ceiling, but all it did was for him to look back and come after you. Before he got to you something tackled him and knocked him to the ground. The eyes that looked into yours was Emmett Cullen’s, your father was knocked out on the floor, so Emmett went over and checked on your mom, then came over and hugged you.

“Are you okay? I need to call the police, but I need to know if you are okay.” Emmett asked backing up and looking you over.

“Yea, what are you doing here? I mean, I’m grateful, but....” You just quit talking and sat down on the floor. Emmett sat down next to you.

“I’ll explain later, but first I need to call the police, okay?” You just shook your head, then Emmett was standing up talking on the phone. The police showed up and talked to you all and Emmett never left your side. Chief Swan came over to talk to you.

“Hi, y/n, I’m Chief Swan and I need to know what happened here tonight, we need to take your mom to the hospital for some injuries, who is this man on the floor?” When he asked that you didn’t really want to answer him.

“That’s my father. I don’t know how he found us, I thought we were safe this time.” After you said that you started sobbing about to fall to your knees, but someone caught you and was holding you. “Is my mom okay?” You asked through the tears.

“She’ll be okay, come with me and I’ll take you to the hospital so you can be with her, Mr. Cullen I need you to come with me to so I can ask you some questions.” Chief Swan said, so Emmett and you walked to the Chief’s car and he took you all down the road. The ride to the hospital was quiet, you didn’t feel like talking, you just wanted to be with your mom, you just wanted to make sure she was okay.

The night was long an you had nurses coming in and out updating you about your mom, Emmett and Chief Swan eventually came back into the room.They both sat down with you. You expected the Chief to ask you more questions, but he just sat there next to you and occasionally patted your back, he was a kind man. Eventually the Doctor came out, he looked at Emmett and you saw it, the remorse in his eyes.

“Hello, I’m Dr. Cullen, y/n can I speak with you alone?” He asked. You got up and followed him, “Your mother has very serious injuries the amount of force against her chest caused a lot of damage and her being choked caused a lack of oxygen to the brain, she’s....” You interrupted him.

“Just tell me, is my mother going to survive?” You asked him and before he answered you saw the sadness in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, but she won’t make it through the night. Is there anybody you can call?” He asked, not realizing you were completely alone in this world. You just walked away from him, you walked out of the hospital doors, not realizing someone was following you. Once you were outside you screamed, you screamed until you lost your voice and your power. You fell to your knees, then he was there.

“Why did you save me?” You asked him, your voice almost too horse to hear.

“I will always save you.” Emmett said, slowly pulling you into his arms.

#twilight #twilight imagines #emmett cullen #emmett x reader #imagines #twilight saga #before bella #part 1 #i will always save you #emmett cullen x reader

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frankunn-cain · 7 years

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Rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people

hi um @yoshifics tagged me in this thing so i’m gonna answer some things (thank you for thinking of me)

tagging: @freckledandspectacled @toriirdz @frank-myhero-iero @smut-smut-in-the-butt @talkriddletome @xhanac @completelychris @neverland-in-space @preasylumtrager @sirachas @partygoul321 @flux–and–flow

the last …

1. drink: herbal tea. yep, I’m a tea hoe

2. phone call: My dad, he told me my grandma’s sister died. I’ve only met her once, but it’s really affecting my grandma

3. text message: to my brother, I’m trying to build a 3D printer

4. song you listened to: I Don’t Love You by My Chemical Romance… ok I’m a bit emo. I was sad leave me alone :p

5. time you cried: early june. my school isn’t letting me go to graduation.. i thought i’d get over it, but it’s still hitting me

6. dated someone twice: no?

7. kissed someone and regretted it: ya i guess. i enjoyed it, but i really shouldn’t have

8. been cheated on: well i hope not

9. lost someone special: they didn’t die (if that’s what this is asking), but a good friend just ghosted me out of nowhere idk

10. been depressed: ye been a constant thing for awhile :)

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: haven’t thrown up because of it

favorite colors…

12. light pale blue

13. holographic black (idk if this counts lol)

14. slightly darker than blood red

in the last year have you…

15. made new friend: ye i think so

16. fallen out of love: idk relationships are so confusing

17. laughed until you cried: once? maybe?

18. found out someone was talking about you: ya :/ idk how to deal with that

19. met someone who changed you: ya, they’ve helped me grow

20. found out who your friends are: ya. when i came out my friend groups treated me strangely.. so kinda had to find a new one

21. kissed someone on your facebook list: Yes. If by facebook list you mean we’re friends on facebook

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: Pretty much all of them? i don’t use facebook really

23. do you have any pets: ya, i got a bearded dragon named Smaug and a pup named Bailey. I kinda share my best friends cats (3 hypatia, ozzy, and achilles) because I spend so much time at their house (my situation at my house isn’t so great)

24. do you want to change your name: Yes i absolutely hate my birth name :)

25. what did you do for your last birthday: had dinner with my boss idk i wanted to not be around my family

26. what time did you wake up: like noon. I’m jetlagged and i feel like a bum

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: playing a new game i bought from the steam sale when i should’ve been drawing oops

28. name something you can’t wait for: a safe feeling :) i rly need to get away from my house. i get nightmares a lot and idk what to do

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: today

31. what are you listening to right now: sense8 on netflix a friend told me to. it’s p good

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: Does Thomas count? If so yes. I know one from this space thing and one at school

33. something that is getting on your nerves: myself

34. most visited website: this one? or youtube?

35. hair colour: Black. i wanna try dying it

36. long or short hair: Short. one side is shaved rn

37. do you have a crush on someone: idk feelings are complicated

38. what do you like about yourself: mm yikes. some stuff i’ve made i’m proud of

39. piercings: just my ears. i really wanted snake bites for a long time lol

40. blood type: O-

41. nickname: pear, oswald, ozzie, peari, oz (insert pear emoji here)

42. relationship status: relationships are confusing don’t talk to me

43. zodiac: chinese: golden dragon, asrological: taurus i think

44. pronouns: he/ him

45. favourite tv show: (im gonna list a few) GOTHAM!! i’m in so deep man. it’s the only show i’ve watched air. Danny phantom, Avatar: the last airbender, Durarara, Soul Eater, sense8 (idk tho i haven’t finished), star trek: the next generation, shameless, sherlock, doctor who, great british baking show, chopped, merlin, magicians, ouran high school host club, series of unfortunate events, kill la kill, TEEN TITANS

46. tattoos: nope, but i reeeeally want some

47. right or left handed: Right-handed, but i can draw with both

48. surgery: not yet, but i need one soon

49. piercing: repeat?

50. sport: i did rowing in high school

51. vacation: i really want to go to a lot of places in asia (japan again, south korea, taiwan, tahiti )

52. pair of trainers: shoes? ya i have running shoes

more general

53. eating: i like asian and mexican food

54. drinking: tea!!! (bubble tea too) slushies, apple juice, milk

55. i’m about to: try finishing the 3D printer, hopefully draw

56. waiting for: fulfillment idk i’m kinda a mess rn

57. want: okie doki, a lot. security in the future, not to worry about money, a cat, surgery, time, clothes, better mental state, relationships i feel absolutely safe about

58. get married: yo man, that’s scary

59. career: working in stop-motion animation

60. hugs or kisses: i like both in different contexts. hugs can be with more people, but still i hate strangers hugging me. making out is like v great tho :0

61. lips or eyes: Can I say both again? eyes can be so friggin cool tbh. irises are so complex and can like dilate an shit??? but mouths have so many different shapes????? im smitten bro

62. shorter or taller: either

63. older or younger: either? in a dating context i usually like older people. (I’ve had the biggest crush on my english teacher, sorry Mr. Rossen)

64. nice arms or nice stomach: i feel like those are weird things to pin against? why not arms or legs? but I guess arms? you ever see a guy with nice arms and you like omg strangle me. mkay just me (no one is gonna read this far)

65. hook up or relationship: i’m uh kinda asexual so i wouldn’t have hook up sex? but make out and stuff sure, but I’d rather have a healthy relationship because u can do nasty stuff and cuddly/ domestic stuff

66. troublemaker or hesitant: i’m a chaotic neutral, i’ll hesitate if i’m not sure of the outcome

67. kissed a stranger: Nope

68. drank hard liquor: Ye but i’d rather mix it with stuff

69. lost glasses/contact lenses: ya my mom was so mad i felt terrible :(((

70. turned someone down: I guess? i was in a relationship and he was being pushy??

71. sex on the first date: no I could not

72. broken someone’s heart: i do not know. i hope not. i’m sorry dude

73. had your heart broken: when I came out to my parents

74. been arrested: Nope

75. cried when someone died: ya…this dude in my grade died recently. i saw him the day before.

76. fallen for a friend: ya i think

do you believe in …

77. yourself: HAHAHAHA

78. miracles: yo idk i wish

79. love at first sight: not really? but i won’t be against

80. santa claus: Nope

81. kiss on the first date: why not?

82. angels: not as little kiddies with wings

other

83. current best friend’s name: one? lol can’t pick. Teutie, Illuin, Heming

84. eye colour: brown?

85. favourite movie: mm nah i’m gonna list again. HELLBOY!!! i rly like the avengers one, Lord of the rings, Coraline, the purge, sweeny todd, little shop of horrors, gremlins, zootopia, star trek, star wars, the little prince, mean girls, mad max, the man from uncle, guardians of the galaxy, x men, harry potter (i like the 4th the best)

welp! Thanks for tagging me @yoshifics This was really fun!

#personal #lol no ones gonna read this

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southernconstellatiions · 7 years

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Get to know me!

Tagged by @pyroinquisitor !!

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag people

THE LAST:

1. Drink: i had an orange soda with lunch xD 2. Phone call: i called my mom to have her pick me up so i could do laundry o: 3. Text message: sent a snap to my boyfriend telling him i love him and to he safe while hes delivering food in the rain 💕 4. Song you listened to: motion sickness by neck deep (im so excited for the new album) 5. Time you cried: tbh i just cry in my sleep sometimes because im a mess and constantly over stress and worry about everything xD

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: only this one time a year ago because my boyfriend was going through a rough time and we took a ‘break’ kinda ;-; 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: yeah, all my exes and more than once ive played drunk spin the bottle 8. Been cheated on: every relationship except this one :s 9. Lost someone special: lost, as in died? only family members when i was a lot younger. im absolutely terrified of anything ever happening to my boyfriend or my mom 10. Been depressed: once i didnt leave the house for three months straight so take a wild guess lol 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: i spent most of my freshman year drunk but i hold my liquor real well so thats always been good xD

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS:

12-14. dark blue, purple, and red

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: kinda, in a way? 16. Fallen out of love: no, thankfully i fall more in love each day 17. Laughed until you cried: at least five times that i can think of 18. Found out someone was talking about you: not that im aware of which is hopefully good 19. Met someone who changed you: met him years ago xD 20. Found out who your friends are: ive only got like three and im okay with that 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: i dont technically use facebook but my boyfriend was on my facebook list

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: maybe less than a hundred, the other 4500 friends and 2000 subscribers are all from when i did sitemodeling years ago because i was an emo fuck 23. Do you have any pets: eight dogs xD 24. Do you want to change your name: maybe my last name xp 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: went out to this bar where they make you custom cheeseburgers with my boyfriend, mom and her boyfriend 26. What time did you wake up: around 5pm like usual :p 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: watching the last episode of K o: 28. Name something you can’t wait for: my boyfriend to get home from work and to get a car since i finally got my license xD 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: two nights ago o: 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: if i could be a little skinnier and rich thatd be great xD 31. What are you listening to right now: the new episode of teen mom 2 xD 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: when i was in high school i knew this guy i called handshake guy because he never gave me hugs and i didnt know his name, but he finally rold me what it was the day he left school 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: how hot it is, 110°+ daily is absolutely ridiculous. thankfully monsoon season makes it slightly more bearable at night 34. Most visited website: probably twitter or tumblr 35. Mole/s: none 36. Mark/s: i have a scar on my knee from when i fell down a hill on elementary school during olympics day xD 37. Childhood dream: to eat more party pizzas than anyone in the worls 38. Hair colour: my original hair color is an ugly brown :/ but at the moment its half blue and half purple 39. Long or short hair: definitely long, my hairs never been shorter than my shoulders, right now its mid-back 40. Do you have a crush on someone: my love cx 41. What do you like about yourself?: i have good relationships and good taste in anime 42. Piercings: nose and snakebites but ive had so many more 43. Blood type: never gotten my blood drawn and havent been to a doctor since i was in elementary school so who the hell knows xD 44. Nickname: kaylaa, lightpole #1, white grape 45. Relationship status: taken 💗 46. Zodiac: scorpio 47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favourite TV Show(s): game of thrones, naruto, one punch man, greys anatomy and like a billion more xD 50. Right or left hand: im ambidextrous which is pretty convenient sometimes lol 51. Surgery: none, that shits scary 52. Hair dyed in different colour: red, blue, pink, blonde, black, purple, brown, white, yellow 53. Sport: i hate sports and ive never played anything. i even took online pe to graduate lol 55. Vacation: id love to go to Japan or Europe. my favorite places ive been are washington and pennsylvania 56. Pair of trainers: idk what that’s referring to xD

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: wish i could be eating taco bell 58. Drinking: nothing o: 59. I’m about to: finish this episode of reen mom and then go to walmart xD 61. Waiting for: my love to get off work 62. Want: unlimited money xD 63. Get married: i neved wanted to but now i do 64. Career: id love to make a career out of my mosaics and stained glass

WHICH IS BETTER:

65. Hugs or kisses: my boyfriend gives me these super big hugs and kisses my face all over and its one of my favorite things cx 66. Lips or eyes: eyes 67. Shorter or taller: taller 68. Older or younger: older 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: stomach xD 71. Sensitive or loud: sensitive i suppose o: but my boyfriend gets loud and excited when he’s playing games with his friends and its cute seeing him all happy cx 72. Hook up or relationship: def. relationship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant, ive had enough trouble throughout my life xD

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a Stranger: during drunk spin ths bottle years ago lol 75. Drank hard liquor: so damn much 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: forever thankful i have perfect eyesight xD 77. Turned someone down: so many people tbh 78. Sex on the first date: nah 79. Broken someone’s heart: tbh probably 80. Had your heart broken: not yet thankfully 81. Been arrested: when i stole stuff from walmart in high school :/ 82. Cried when someone died: mmhmm 83. Fallen for a friend: my best friend and its been the best thing thats ever happened to me c:

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: not really 85. Miracles: ehh 86. Love at first sight: kinda cx 87. Santa Claus: no xD 88. Kiss on the first date: thats fine i guess as long as it goes well??

OTHER:

90. Current best friend name: lorenzo 💕 91. Eye colour: this greyish color :o 92. Favourite movie: balto, harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban, just like heaven o:

#me #tag #didnt upload right at first lol

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reds-revenge · 7 years

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im feeling evil so ALL THE LOCATION ASKS

>:( probably Josie anon, do you know how many times I gotta switch pages now? I’m kidding you’re cool mobile just sucks.

*deep breath* here we go

Amsterdam: yeah, I think so. I’ve always been the weird one, usually in a nice way but I’m still the weird one. I kinda sound like a robot when I’m tired, or trying to accomplish something, and I guess that’s not how all people think?? Anyway.

Athens: ahaha I’m not a perfectionist, I’m the PLATONIC IDEAL OF A PERFECTIONIST. Listen okay I will sink as much time as I need to get it perfect, that’s happening less with the depression bc I just can’t get it up to my standard, I’m trying to make this a Growing Opportunity and learn to set Attainable Goals, but it usually ends with me panicking instead. Ah well

Belgrade: my mother had a loooong list of names and my dad tried to mock them all, they only kept ones that you couldn’t really make weird nicknames for, one of my friends took that as a challenge and called me Kira the Mirra (like mirror) for a year, it was interesting

mom called my kiramodo dragon bc of some noise I made when I was a baby. I thought my name was baby for a while bc they called me Baby Kira my Deara. Then I decided I wasn’t a baby and dubbed myself Kira my Deara the Kid.

Berlin: well for that I’d have to KNOW what I what. I can usually do whatever, but I would really like is absolute certainty about things like do I exist, am I hurting people by existing, etc. and that’s just not something we get in this life. It’s :) so :) fun :) :) :)

Bratislava: it doesn’t have a firm genre, there’s a lot of oddly philosophical themes for something that’s mostly sci fi/ comedy, but there’s also bildungsroman elements bc life amiright, and what’s science besides a mystery?

The protagonist is Done™ with everyone including herself, there’s cephalopods.

Brussels: I’m not fluent in all the languages I borrow from but yeah I do this a lot, I’m a language nerd. I did it more often when I was younger and still liked learning Latin.

Bucharest: NOT ON PURPOSE OKAY, WE’D KNOWN EACH OTHER SINCE WE WERE FIVE SO ALMOST TEN YEARS AT THE TIME, I THOUGHT OF HIM AS MY BROTHER, WHY THE FUCK IS HE WRITING EMO STORIES ABOUT KISSING ME WE WERE S I B L I N G S.

I don’t think of him as family anymore but not bc of the ~*drama*~, I learned some Things and grew Wise. (Well, wisER)

Budapest: maybe, I was five, my love was unrequited. We ended up being friends bc in such a small class whatcha gonna do? We didn’t talk about that fiasco for ten years, turns out that whole declaring my love to the class thing was pretty awkward for him. Whoops.

Copenhagen: outside of old, distant relatives, no. I haven’t actually kissed someone romantically before at all, and I don’t have a desire to. I’m not saying I wouldn’t ever someday, I just haven’t sought that kinda thing out.

Dublin: between being a minor and being an obsessive rule follower, that hasn’t happened. I doubt I ever will, losing even the slightest bit of control over myself terrifies me

Helsinki: now this is interesting. I’m guessing this is referring to romantic love, but it doesn’t SAY that.

Look, I wanna be a scientist. Like really really wanna be a scientist, always have, always will. This sounds cliche but I feel like I was made for the sciences, I really do.

but I gotta go with love. Not romantic necessarily, just in general. And this isn’t a “well I’d better choose the Virtuous thing.” Like, I feel made for science, but science doesn’t mean anything if you’re not using it for something. Neither does art for that matter. Idk, but without love–for my family, my friends, for squids, for God–i just don’t see the point of this whole life thing. So yeah, I’m going with love

Kiev: YES AND FRANKLY I’D CHOOSE THE KNIFE EVERY TIME. I’m not gonna tell you EVERYTHING EVER THAT WAS SAID TO ME bc that would take way too long but yes, yes I have even when they weren’t trying to be knife words

Lisbon: I’m honestly not sure, like I like Hamilton’s America but I hate Trump’s, also I’m really drawn to the British isles and honestly France and Polynesia and India and Russia are all cool, so like I don’t feel like I belong but I might not belong anywhere if that makes sense? Idk tbh

Ljubljana: not really, I sound like my mother over the phone and if you look at baby pictures without the hair showing Greta and I get mixed up (not by family by friends) I have kind of distinctive hair, so.

London: Google says this is thinking vs feeling basically so I gotta go sense (thinking)

Luxembourg: I REGRET EVERYTHING and I often regret things deeply, like really stupid things bc of ~*damaging theology*~ but now mostly because ~*Ocd*~ (I think idk I guess maybe knocking that board over really will send me to hell, I’ve been spinning over this for YEARS)

Madrid: ALL THE TALENTS but maybe speaking fluent French, juggling, and playing guitar if you want some specifics

Moscow: No. I mean when else would I do all the thinking? Not during the day when I’m half asleep, surely.

Nicosia: whenever I’m nervous or exhausted which is most of the time now tbh

Oslo: HAhahahahaha this is hilarious. I’d like absolute 100% certainty that everything is 100% okay, always has been, and always will be. I don’t know what okay even is here but I know that 100% certainty does not exist and also everything probably isn’t okay, and EVEN IF I KNEW THIS I would still be nervous for some hellish reason, I don’t think I’ll ever actually have peace of mind :/

Paris: I mean yeah, but not more afraid than I am of most things. I guess I’m more scared I’d mess it up somehow

Podgorica: HELL YEAH. I mean, I’m curious about death and franklyitwouldntbeterribleifigothitbyasnipertomorrow @ the government, but setting that aside I’ve been raised on stories of people dying, dying for good or evil but for what they believe and I was kinda scared when I was little that I’d chicken out and surrender to the fascist government or whatever but I won’t, I’ll just do the thing, follow the rule same as any other. And even if my beliefs are wrong we’re all gonna die anyway, so

Prague: not really, no. I’ve got a good family, a good church for once, I’m heading to running start next year to study what I want, I don’t really have something to be jealous of.

I mean I’d like my brain to work but I’m not *jealous* of people who’s brains do the thing, I’m happy for them I just would like to be like that too

Reykjavik: A TINY FLOATING ISLAND COUNTRY I COULD PARK WHERE I WANTED I MEAN I DOUBT I’M GONNA MOVE PERMANENTLY OUT OF AMERICA BECAUSE THAT SOUNDS HARD AND MY FAMILY’S HERE BUT I DON’T LIKE ABSOLUTE RULES WHERE I DON’T NEED THEM

Riga: I would take as many selfies as I had to to get one I only kinda hate, I would post that one. (Yeah this is specific but I’m waiting for the technicality police over here, I totally would tho I don’t really care)

Rome: yeah but not romantically. I mean this is gonna sound weird I’m sorry but once in a blue moon I get an overwhelming sense of God and His love for me, that sounds cheesy or fake or something but I’m too tired to not be painfully honest rn

Sarajevo: TO INFINITY AND BEYOND. I wouldn’t do whatever they asked me to, I’m not gonna sign my mind over bc they’re human too and not always right and maybe the stakes are high etc, but if they need something I'ma do the thing at any cost of time, resources, sanity, etc. to myself I’ve got no boundaries here

Skopje: I honestly don’t know?? I’ve been called a lot of sweet things by a lot of sweet people and I remember EVERY SINGLE ONE and honestly I don’t think I could choose one, they’re all sweet in different ways, you know?

Sofia: not in a physical way, women are shockingly treated differently from men in Puritainville, but most people were fine with me in general if I didn’t touch certain buttons. Everyone had different buttons but never said what they were until whoops! It was fun :)

Mental health is also a super fun topic in Puritainville if you were wondering, someone told my mom when I first pulled out of school that I didn’t need a doctor, I just needed a book on Grace, because clearly my theology was why I couldn’t talk and slept fifteen hours a day

Also being Anglican was interesting, I tried explaining the whole icon thing and Lent and via media but it fell on deaf ears

I dunno if this is prejudice related or not but some guy called me a Pharisee when I was seven bc I told him off for making it impossible for me to follow the rules, he was trying to make us scared to teach us about God’s grace, you can imagine how well tiny Kira handled that

wow okay well I guess that’s a yes then

Stockholm: UNFORTUNATELY

In middle school everyone wrote stories about their thinly disguised classmates, and then in ninth grade creepy mcbadideas wrote stories about me saving him from his life basically and then him saving me from depression with a kiss, it was weird

and then Mom has used the whole family for story ideas

Tallinn: I can’t recall a rumour I’ve heard about myself, I’m very open. There were certainly rumors about me being ~*liberal*~ but that was actually true so idk.

I’d like to hear some though, I’m so out there already it’s gotta be entertaining

Tirana: no??? I’m honestly not sure what sexy is but everyone else seems to? Mom swears boys look at me–she’s usually telling me how not to die at a bus stop when this comes up– but I don’t notice anything

Valletta: thankfully no, at least not a big one. The worst I’ve injured myself was when I kinda timed a jump over a brick wall wrong and took out a chunk of my shin.

Vienna: I gave this one A LOT OF THOUGHT but I don’t think there’s like one song that totally captures my life, I definitely identify with songs but there’s not one single song in part because I’m still trying to process my life, you know? Fit things into the correct slots. Until I do that–if that’s even possible–i won’t have just one song. Sorry!!

Vilnius: yeah, why not? If it’s not like a permanent thing bc I have issues with permanency then it’d be cool, if only to get another point of reference for how things are done

Warsaw: i AM a depression lol. I thought two years was about as long as major depressive episodes lasted but I guess not, or maybe I was misdiagnosed idk

Zagreb: I’ve certainly given my TRUST to people I shouldn’t have, I’ve given my FRIENDSHIP to people I shouldn’t have, but I don’t think I’ve ever given someone my heart when I shouldn’t have.

Zurich: not at all. It’s a means to an end, you need it for college and food and stuff, but outside of that I really don’t care. I’ve been trying to figure out how we could restructure society without money and keep it fair and not suppress individuality and keep everyone taken care of it’s an interesting thought experimentTHERE I’M DONE I hope you appreciate that that took me a couple HOURS JOSIE I love you but WOW am I glad that’s over

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