#a) not everything is for everyone. b) kids like murder mysteries

[scorndotexe]

people don't give kids enough credit tbh like i was there reading murder mysteries as an eight year old you don't need your mysteries to have zero death or murder or anything if you wanna appeal to children

#''i could do a murder mystery story'' '“you should think about your younger audience as well'' #a) not everything is for everyone. b) kids like murder mysteries #i hate art school so much #persimmon's rambles

[hmmm-shesucks]

Once the foxes become more comfortable with each other, they begin to nag. Mostly little things, usually humorous things. They nag on Nicky for being too forward sometimes. They nag on Neil for his horrible life habits. They nag on Dan for her mother henning. They nag on Kevin for everything. It's fun, it's what families do. They all just pick on each other for fun.

It takes a little longer for them to feel comfortable nagging Andrew though, which, is understandable, but one of the first things they start picking on him for is his lack of communication in general. He NEVER talks. They just want him to participate sometimes.

Renee and Neil find this funny because Andrew talks A LOT just not around the foxes. He's not comfortable.

See, Andrew is fucking weird. Everyone knows this, but the foxes think he's weird in a “mysterious, murder you in your sleep, was totally the kid everyone thought was going to shoot up the school” kind of weird.

Andrew is not that kind of weird. He's a different breed entirely. He plans out how he'd survive the apocalypse, any of them. He is constantly fighting back the most wild intrusive thoughts. He is 24/7 existential crisis. His head is a wild fucking place.

But he is trying. Making progress. Trying to be more open and approachable, as Bee says. So he talks. Out Loud.

And the foxes hate him.

In the most monotonous voice ever

“Do you ever feel like your bones are dirty? Like, I could totally strip my meat suit and just give my ribs a good bleaching.”

“If that light fell out of the ceiling it would kill at least three of you and seriously injure the rest of us.”

“Nothing is stopping me from buying five ice cream flavors at once, but I'm learning self-control and Bee would be disappointed.”

“Currently having a manic episode. Should I A.) call Bee, tell her I'm not doing too great, and talk about my symptoms and how to best cope? B.) find the nearest mall and spend every dime I have in less than thirty minutes. Or C.) go apeshit and try to fight anyone and everyone who looks at me in a less-than-kind way. Children included.

*stage whisper* there's a secret fourth option but I'm saving it for later ;) (pronounced Semicolon left facing open parentheses. Yes he says this out loud)”

disappears for less than five minutes and comes back with three furrbies and a corndog, one that is obviously not from the mall's food court.

He's so fucking weird. Like, weirder than Neil, and it's awful (so good dude, the foxes eat it up)

And it's not the manic Andrew on meds. It's just Andrew. He's still Andrew. He's still quiet most of the time and he is still grumpy and apathetic, but he's also comfortable enoughto just blurt random shit out and have fun watching everyone figure out how to respond. He's found safety in his new family and he can openly be who he is without fear of judgment or rejection. He's happy in a way he's never felt nor ever thought he'd get to experience. He's just Andrew.

#hes just a fun little guy #all for the game #andrew minyard #neil josten #andreil #aaron minyard #kevin day #nicky hemmick #aftg #twinyards #dan wilds #allison reynolds #matt boyd #renee walker #Bee Dobson #betsy dobson #psu foxes #foxhole court #the foxes #the foxhole court #aftg headcanon #aftg au #my aftg

[imagining-in-the-margins]

CM Office Party Challenge 🎉

The following are prompts including an Office Party! Reader, Original Character, Character/Character ships, Gen/Platonic fics are allowed!

This event is over (Masterlist of Fics here), but you are welcome to use any of these prompts. If you would like to be added to the existing Masterlist of entries, please check out the Rules below!

🎊 Prompts 🎊

It’s a BAU kid’s birthday!

The BAU throws a ridiculously large/lavish bridal/baby shower.

It’s rare that the BAU gets to celebrate the return of an old team member.

The team hardly believes it when Character A agrees to dance with B.

After sharing sad prom stories (or lack thereof), Penelope throws a BAU prom.

It’s characters first Missed Holiday Meal (MHM). It’s also the first time a holiday meal actually felt like home.

The team discusses holiday traditions. Characters decide to try a few out.

The FBI is throwing a family picnic. The playful competitions get a little… heated.

It’s the anniversary of the BAU. The team throws a party to celebrate the greats.

Penelope planned a Murder Mystery party… with a bunch of criminal profilers. Great. (Bonus if a non-profiler wins)

The BAU has been dealing with a lot of stress. Penelope plans a day at a pottery shop so everyone can make something. It causes even more stress.

The team pairs up to play the newlywed game. Someone starts to notice that, despite not being partners, A knows the answers to every question about B…

Rossi is finally (actually) retiring. The party brings together friends that haven’t seen each other in years.

An anniversary/award brings back old team members. There used to be a time when they couldn’t fathom a week away from one another, but they haven’t spoken in years.

More Prompts Below + Create your own! 🎉

Each team member has to find an obscure holiday to celebrate (pi day, random acts of kindness day, unicorn day, etc.). Character goes above and beyond.

Character has very surprising responses to Never Have I Ever. They have even more shocking admissions.

There is nothing that a bonfire can't fix.

Characters are stuck at a party, but they can't stop thinking about each other (based on "Dinner & Diatribes" by Hozier).

Characters always find each other. Even at a masquerade, when their faces are almost entirely covered.

A party is the perfect place to see a new side to your coworker.

🎄 Holiday Specific Prompts 🦃

Halloween prompts / Winter Holiday prompts

It’s time for Penelope’s Halloween Party! Someone comes in an… unexpected costume.

The single members of the team decide to host a lonely hearts club dinner on Valentine’s Day. Two people leave together.

Characters end up beneath very suspiciously placed mistletoe at the holiday party.

Character accidentally started an ugly Christmas sweater tradition which somehow turned into a contest.

After an awful case, the team comes back on Christmas Eve to find that Penelope has gathered their loved ones and quickly decorated the BAU as a surprise.

Character only wanted to reveal that they are someone's Secret Santa at the BAU Christmas Party but they end up confessing a lot more than that.

🎂 Dialogue Prompts 🍰

"... Surprise?"

"What are adults supposed to do at a kid's birthday party. Does anyone actually know?"

"Whatever you do, be sure to avoid the food. I don't know who made it, but it's awful." "Oh, it uh... it was me."

"If you help me win, I'll owe you one great big giant favor."

"I just never saw you as a... party type of person."

"I think you're bluffing." "Am I?"

"You are the last person I expected to have attended clown school. I figured your clownish nature was inherent in who you are."

"So, if you had to guess, who do you think is going to drunkenly confess their love for someone else at this party?"

"The year is over. Did you accomplish everything you hoped for?"

"I fucking hate balloons."

"What's the point of a fridge on the jet if not for a celebratory drink?"

"If we're stuck here all night, we might as well have fun."

"I love you. I do. But you are a terrible Santa."

"Next time, I'm in charge of the karaoke mic."

🎈Rules 🎁

The fic can be a Reader insert, an Original Character, a character/character ship, a platonic ship, or a Gen fic. It can feature any Criminal Minds character. AUs and crossovers are more than welcome.

Tag me in the fic, or send the link to me in a Direct Message. It can be already written, or you can write it for the challenge - I’m collecting both! You can also tag it “#mentioningmargins” which is a tag I track.

The fic can be any genre, but ONLY send me smut if your bio states you are 18+. I DO NOT WANT smut written by minors. Ever. At all. I will check. Platonic ships and pure, fluffy fics are 100% allowed.

Please include Content Warnings and a one-sentence Summary of the fic in your post.

#spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fanfiction #criminal minds #criminal minds writing challenge #criminal minds prompts #cm fanfic #cm fanfiction #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds smut #emily prentiss #tara lewis #luke alvez #penelope garcia #aaron hotchner #matthew simmons #derek morgan #david rossi #jennifer jareau

[nightshadow1607]

Aizawa: I'm not mad, I just want to know why you two need a fake ID?

Midoriya: *mumbles*

Aizawa: What was that?

Shinsou: *sighs* You need to be over 18 at PetCo to hold the puppies

--

Izuku: *does something reckless*

Iida: Midoriya, how could you do this? You are so reckelss!

Also Iida: *goes after Stain to murder him*

--

Kid Izuku: So I have this nice rock

Kid Izuku: Kacchan gave it to me

Kid Bakugou: I threw it at you

Kid Izuku: Kacchan is so cool

--

Vigilante/Villain Izuku, rolling down the car window: What seems to be the problem here, officer?

Tsukauchi: Get out of my car

--

Shigaraki: Time for plan G

Mr. Compress: Don't you mean plan B?

Shigaraki: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties

Himiko: What about plan D?

Shigaraki: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago

Twice: What about plan E?

Shigaraki: I'm hoping not to use it. I die in plan E

Dabi: I like plan E

--

Sero: Why are you smiling?

Bakugou: What? Can't I just be happy?

Kirishima: Midoriya tripped and fell down the stairs

--

Vigilante Izuku: Physically I'm here but spiritually I'm lying in a Waffle House parking lot somewhere, slowly bleeding out from several stabbing wounds

Vigilante Shinsou: Mood

--

Bakugou, angrily: ARE YOU-

Todoroki: fucking

Bakugou: KIDDING ME?! YOU-

Todoroki: fucking

Bakugou: IDIOT

Uraraka: ... what was that?

Todoroki: Aizawa-sensei banned Bakugou from swearing, so I volunteered to help him out

--

Hizashi: WHY AREN'T THERE ADULT-SIZED PLAYGROUNDS?!

Nemuri: Like, everything is the same as kids' playgrounds but bigger! Why don't we have those?!

Aizawa: Theme parks. Just theme parks

Hizashi: but you have to PAY for theme parks!

Aizawa: That's the adult part

--

Young Aizawa: I want to be a caterpillar

Young Oboro: Elaborate

Young Aizawa: Eat a lot, sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful

Young Hizashi: You know that they have a lifespan of like two weeks, right?

Young Aizawa: That's another highlight-

Young Oboro & Hizashi: Shouta, NO--

--

Hizashi: Truth or Dare?

Shinsou: Truth

Hizashi: How many hours have you slept this week?

Shinsou: Dare

Aizawa: Go to sleep

Shinsou: I don't like this game

--

Izuku, T-posing in the doorway: Greetings, parental figure

Aizawa, not looking up from his coffee: Good morning, problem child

--

Jirou: You remind me of the ocean

Shinsou: Because I'm deep and mysterious?

Jirou: No, because you're full of salt and you scare people

--

Dabi: Here's a funny idea: We hang a mistletoe, bit instead of kissing the person underneath, we have to fight them.

Kurogiri: We are not doing this

Himiko, nodding: Mistlefoe

Magne: Don't encourage her!

--

Vigilante Izuku: *breaks a window while Shinsou is sleeping*

Vigilante Izuku: Hey Toshi, I-- Stop screaming, It's me-- I need help

--

Bakugou: Did you guys buy the eggs I asked?

Mina: Even better!

Bakugou: ...what did you do?

Kaminari, holding a chicken: Here!

Mina: Her name is Kyle!

--

Immortal Izuku: Fuck, I wanna die!

Aizawa: Language

Immortal Izuku: Hickity heck, I crave death

--

Yagi: Aizawa-san, call the kids. They're not listening to me

Aizawa: I'm not their dad

Yagi: Just do it

Aizawa, to Class 1-A: *sigh* Okay everyone! Line up, we're going back to the dorms!

Class 1-A: *immediately following like ducklings*

Yagi:

Aizawa: NO! listen, LISTEN, I'm not their--

--

Aizawa: Hello, people who don't live here

Hizashi: Heya!

Nemuri: Hi!

Tensei: Hello!

Aizawa: I gave you the key for emergencies

Hizashi: We were out of food

--

Vigilante Izuku, talking to Shinsou: If I run and jump at Eraser, he will definitely catch me

Vigilante Izuku: *runs at Aizawa*

Aizawa: KID, NO, I'M HOLDING COFFEE--

Aizawa: *drops coffee to catch Izuku*

--

Shinsou: *recording videos with Class 1-A* I have no intentions of being friends

Shinsou: *playing videogames with everyone* You're all stepping stones to my success

Shinsou: *baking a cake for Kaminari's birthday* Friends are a distraction

Shinsou: *in a group hug* Disgusting

--

Vigilantes Izuku and Shinsou: *watching the neighborhood kids play*

Vigilante Shinsou: Look at them. They're having so much fun. They're so happy

Vigilante Izuku: Yeah

Vigilante Izuku: How long do you think it'll be until they lose their will to live?

Vigilante Shinsou: I don't remember ever having one

Vigilante Izuku: Yeah, those kids are doomed

incorrect quotes because why not? (part 6)

#vigilante izuku #shinsou hitoshi #yamada hizashi #bakugou katsuki #aizawa shouta #iida tenya #detective tsukauchi #shigaraki tomura #mr. compress #toga himiko #mha twice #dabi #sero hanta #kirishima eijirou #todoroki shouto #uraraka ochako #kayama nemuri #shirakumo oboro #jirou kyouka #kurogiri #magne #ashido mina #kaminari denki #yagi toshinori #iida tensei

[indigosabyss]

Canon Event Maintenance: A Gwenpool in BTSV fic

Gwen Stacy stared at the small group they had managed to amass. Compared to the hundreds of Spider-People Miguel had on his side, they weren't much, but they had potential.

"Okay, first thing we need is resources and allies." She announced, "We don't want to bring in anyone who doesn't know about the multiverse, or get them involved if you don't think they should, but if there's anyone you know who might lend us a hand, please get us in contact with them."

There was silence as all the Spiders thought this over. Because of course none of them had a solid support network. They were Spiders. Maybe Miguel was right about all that canon event stuff, even if the murder was unjustified.

It was Peter B who raised his hand, looking incredibly reluctant.

"I think I know a gal." He admitted, face twisted into a grimace, "And she would be really eager to join in on this."

"...Okay, so why's your face doing that thing?" Pavitr asked.

"Yeah! What's the catch, buster?" Spider-Ham cocked his head.

"There's nothing wrong with her! She's a wonderful kid. Just... well, you'll understand when you meet her."

In dimension 616-B, the Spider-Band stood at the top of a skyscraper, looking at the cars milling down below. Not a single building was close enough to parkour jump from, so how this mystery person was supposed to get there... Peni didn't know.

And another thing. Peter was being very evasive about the details. They didn't even know her name! But he promised that she was trustworthy, and the entire band had to take him at his word.

"Where even is she, mate?" Hobie asked, looking around impatiently, "We're nearing the agreed time, and there's no sign of her."

"Give it a sec." Peter shook his head, rocking Mayday a little in her sleep. Then, he took a slow, deliberate step to the right, just as a white hole ripped into the air above him and a figure dropped down. She was a white girl, wearing a pink civilian hoodie with a baseball hat under the hood. Her eyes were obscured by purple sunglasses that didn't seem to match her style, and had one hand shoved into the pocket of her shorts. The other one was lazily holding a unsheathed katana, with a pink handle.

Before anyone could comment, she was already talking, "Hey, Peter, what's the sitch that got you to finally call me up for a teamup? I---" She froze, finally noticing the other extradimensional spider-people all standing there. Peni had the dreadful realization that Peter had not told her anything about the spider-verse when calling her.

And then an excited grin stretched over her face.

"Oh. My. Marvel. Gods." She pulled off the sunglasses to reveal blue eyes, throwing them to the side, where they got swallowed up by another white rip in reality as if it was a normal occurrence, "This is a Spider-Verse event."

What? How'd she known that? Everyone exchanged discomfited glances, except Peter, who nodded gratefully, "Oh, good, so you're already filled in and everything. I was hoping you would be."

"Uh? Duh." The strange girl rolled her eyes, hopping excitedly in place, "Wow. Wow. I'm important enough to be in a Spider-Verse event. Except... damn, this is just a fic, so does it really count?"

Pavitr was making chopping motions, trying to get them to quit the meeting. Peni had similar doubts. Who was this girl? And how much could she really help?

"I'm getting ahead of myself!" She laughed, "Let's start from the beginning. One last time." Another giggle as she took a quick step back and... vanished? For barely a millisecond, and it was only SP//DR's keen sight which told her that, because then she was back, dressed in a pink and white battle-grade leotard, with leather pouches and guns strapped all over her. There was a mask, but it was clutched in her hand, allowing them to see shoulder-length blond hair tipped with pink that, combined with her skin tone and blue eyes and overall color pallette made her look a lot like... Gwen.

Everyone's eyes drifted to the woman in question, and Peni knew they were all thinking the same thing. Peter's contact took a sweeping bow, "Hello, then! My name's Gwen Poole! I can manipulate reality as well as the Scarlet Witch can!"

Huh. Well, okay then.

----

Author's Notes:

Might do a part two if you guys enjoy. Seen a lot of people thinking about a Gwenpool in the Spider-Verse movies cameo, but not enough fics to solve that problem. By which I mean any. I haven't seen any fics. Pls tag me if theres a tumblr fic like this. Characterization is a little off bc Gwen P. is too excited to think straight. Her media awareness and the mechanics of it will be built up further, but lets just say she knows she's in a fic, but not in which fandom its for, so reacting to it like a comic teamup.

Also. Those were indeed Kate's sunglasses she was wearing.

#gwen poole #gwenpool #fanfic #spiderman across the spiderverse #spiderman into the spiderverse #across the spiderverse #beyond the spiderverse

[neurodiversebones]

what are some of ur favorite episodes, if you don't mind sharing? i'm in the mood for a rewatch but don't know where to start 😭

gonna do this by season !!! there are SOOO many that i adore lol

season one :

- 1×09 , man in the fallout shelter (MY COMFORT EPISODE OF ALL TIME my mom and i like to watch it together and i can recite parts of it from memory)

- 1×17 , the skull in the desert (for the brengela content mostly LMAO)

- 1×22 , the woman in limbo (BRENNAN ANGST !!)

season two :

- 2×03 , the boy in the shroud (MORE BRENNAN ANGST !! so much good brennan development + brennan/cam moments here)

- 2×08 , the woman in the sand (brennan hot im so gay)

- 2×09 , aliens in a spaceship (not a hot take this is everyones top 5 but <33 god its SO GOOD)

- 2×11 , judas on a pole (i love max keenan ....)

season three :

- 3×05 , the mummy in the maze (BRENNAN/CAM/ANGELA'S COSTUMES IM SOOO GAY .....)

- 3×09 , the santa in the slush (this is the first episode i remember watching when i was a kid + im a SUCKER for a christmas episode)

- 3×12 , the baby in the bough (ACCIDENTAL BABY ACQUISITION !! i have done 'dancing phalanges !!' to my nieces btw .)

- 3×13 , the verdict in the story (I LOVE MAX KEENAN)

season four (currently where i am in my rewatch) :

- 4×04 , the finger in the nest (RIPLEY BRENNAN IM SOBBING)

- 4×08 , the skull in the sculpture (idgaf abt the case but ANGELA GIRLKISSER)

- 4×12 , double trouble in the panhandle (CIRCUS BRENNAN !!)

- 4×14 , the hero in the hold (ghosts confirmed ?? b&b angst ??)

- 4×21 , mayhem on a cross (SWEETS ....)

- 4×22 , double death of the dearly departed (watched this ep after taking a 40mg+ edible . i had never been high before . insane experience .)

- 4×26 , the end in the beginning (AU EPISODE !! B&B KISSES !!)

season five :

- 5×10 , the goop on the girl (CHRISTMAS EPISODES !!!)

- 5×12 , the proof in the pudding (bones canonically solved jfk's murder and thats just . a thing .)

- 5×16 , the parts in the sum of the whole (i fucking love this episode its everything to me)

-5×17 , the death of the queen bee (I LOVE A GOOD HS REUNION TROPE)

- 5×21 , the boy with the answer (i love a courtroom drama episode)

season six :

- 6×03 , maggots in the meathead (ONE OF THE FUNNIEST EPISODES OF ALL TIME)

- 6×09 , doctor in the photo (god this episode is so sad but its SO good)

- 6×14 , the bikini in the soup (valentines ,,,, i LOVE holiday episodes guys)

- 6×16 , the blackout in the blizzard (I LOVE THIS EPISODE SM EVERY SECOND OF IT IS FANTASTIC AND ITS SO UNDERRATED)

- 6×21 , the signs in the silence (brennan w kids makes me emotional)

- 6×22 , the hole in the heart (oh yk . the agonies)

- 6×23 , the change in the game (hi its wanda im at the bowling alley . bowling . I'M PREGNANT, BOOTH . YOU'RE THE FATHER . THE ADELE FADE AT THE END . IM CRYING)

season seven :

- 7×06 , the crack in the code (BANGER setup to an arc i have complicated feelings abt . this ep has such a spooky vibe i love it)

- 7×07 , the prisoner in the pipe (BABY !!)

- 7×13 , the past in the present (THE END JUST MAKES ME SO SAD I LOVE THE ANGST)

season eight :

- 8×06 , the patriot in purgatory (i love having all the interns YIPPEE)

- 8×07 , the bod in the pod (im just here for camastoo . you are my carburator .)

- 8×14 , the doll in the derby (ANGELA ON ROLLERSKATES ....)

- 8×15 , the shot in the dark (ghosts are real part 4 . christine brennan triggers my mommy issues . i want her to hug me .)

- 8×23 , the pathos in the pathogens (ANOTHER TOP TIER FAV EPISODE THE ANGST IS SO GOOD)

season nine :

- 9×04 , the sense in the sacrifice (YIPPEE LOVE !! PELANT DEAD !!)

- 9×06 , the woman in white (brennans vows make me sob every time .)

- 9×10 , the mystery in the meat (COWGIRL BAR FIGHT IM SO <33)

- 9×11 , the spark in the park (brennan talking to the professor makes me SOB .)

- 9×24 , the recluse in the recliner (tbh i never understand the fbi conspiracy arc but this episode is crazy)

season ten :

- 10×02 , the lance to the heart (you put the lime in the coconut ....)

- 10×10 , the 200th in the 10th (INSANE OLD HOLLYWOOD AU ITS SO FUCKING FUN)

- 10×15 , the eye in the sky (booth angst booth angst)

season eleven :

- 11×09 , the cowboy in the contest (I LOVE UNDERCOVER I LOVE COSTUMES)

- 11×10 , the doom in the boom (HODGINS ANGST)

- 11×12 , the murder of the meninist ("we love going viral" "so do infectious diseases")

- 11×13 , the monster in the closet (PUPPETEER ARC !!!)

- 11×18 , the movie in the making (comfort episode I LOVE A MOCKUMENTARY AND ALSO THE CAMASTOO PROPOSAL)

- 11×22 , the nightmare within the nightmare (this episode scared me so bad bc i watched it at 4am 😭 THE FUCKING ZACK REVEAL IS CRAZY)

season twelve :

- 12×01 , the hope in the horror (I HATE THE DEMONIZATION OF DID ITS SO GROSS BUT I LOVE SEEING ZACK)

- 12×07 , the scare in the score (I CRIED SO BAD ....)

- 12×09 , the steal in the wheels (i giggled i <3 silly undercover time)

- 12×11 , the day in the life (CAMASTOO WEDDING IM SOBBINGGGG . ALSO THE END HOLY SHIT)

- 12×12 , the end in the end (i fucking wept . i love tge finale im so emotional abt it .)

#THIS WAS SUCH A BIG INFODUMP IM SORRY #GUYS I LOVE THIS SHOW

[hannahhook7744]

Harry Badun Application revamped;

Name: Harold Everett Badun.

Known Aliases: Harry, Detective Harry, The leader,and Detective Badun. 

Nicknames or Other: Detective, Harry #2, Har, Har Bear, Harry B, Badun, Toothbrush Shank kid, Stalker kid, and Oldie. 

Date of Birth or Best Guess: March 2nd, same year Carlos was born. 

Place of Birth:De Vil Manor, better known as Hell Hall, or as I like to call, the place where dreams (and living things),come to die.

Favorite Color: Any color other than Red, White, and Black. 

Favorite Activity: Taking pictures, solving mysteries, fighting crime, and writing down everything that happens so SOMEBODY will remember because you, Auardon, clearly don't care to. 

Favorite School Subject: Evil Schemes and Nasty Plots, Unnatural Biology, Scheme Management 101, P.E, and Tall Tales and the Tellers Who Tell Them. They're my favorites because they help me and my friends' Detective work easier and more possible.

Father's Name (or alias): Horace Badun.

Mother's Name (or alias): How am I supposed to know?  My dad's had many wives (surprisingly). 

Father's Profession: Cruella's bumbling, obedient servant basically. 

Mother's Profession: Again, I have no idea. 

Who is your favorite of the first wave of VKs? There is no wrong answer. 

Carlos because he was like family to me before we accidentally read his diary and found out that he saw us as nothing more than his "fake" friends. 

Thanks alot for that Carlos!

I don't really know how Mal and Jay are over there but I didn't like them too much while we were growing up and I didn't know Evie that well when they left for Auardon. 

So Carlos is my favorite if I have to choose. 

In your own words, tell us why you want to come to Auardon. There is no wrong answer.

I want to come to Auardon so I don't end up getting murdered by Cruella like all of my siblings, cousins, aunts, and stepmothers were. 

I want to go to school with my cousin and my friends, and Carlos and learn all the things we see on tv. 

I want everyone to know about what all of us have gone through because of Auardon's horrible decisions. 

I want to go because the isle is poison and slowly killing all of the innocent (or less evil, at least) people here. 

The time does not fit the crime, especially for those of us who did nothing more than be born. 

We don't deserve to die for our parents' sins.

We don't deserve to die young without ever seeing the sun and without ever having fresh food and new things that didn't come from the trash.

I want my cousin and I to sleep somewhere other than Carlos's treehouse. 

I want Hermie to live somewhere other than a circus trailer.

I want Reza and his adoptive parents far, far away from his birth father and Yen Sid so he stops hating himself and so he's safe. 

I want Eddie to be able to find help taking care of his elderly parents so that he actually gets a childhood.

I want Yzla to be able to actually spend time with her father. 

I want all of the kids of the isle safe and free.

I want to be able to give all of the dead of the isle the proper burials they deserve. 

I want them to be remembered. 

You OWE us that much. 

You left us here.

We did nothing and you abandoned us.

Is that too much to ask for?

That you pull your head out of your asses and start owning up for what YOUR neglect had caused?

What did we do wrong? 

I hate you.

I hate you.

I HATE YOU. 

Every last one of you.

You're all murders with the blood of innocent BABIES and CHILDREN ON your hands! You're why my family is dead. Why me and my friends didn't have childhoods. 

I hate you. 

I hate you. 

I'm only filling this out because Jace, the other de Vil cousins, and my friends are too, and I'll be damned if I'm left behind. If I get forgotten. 

No one's gonna forget me or the other kids. Not on my watch. I'll make sure of it. That you'll see us. You can't erase us. You can't erase me. You can't erase JUSTICE. 

(STOP CROSSING SHIT OUT GUYS! THEY NEED TO SEE US!)

P.s I miss you Carlos. We all do. Even if you don't miss us, we miss you. 

Your inventions, designs, and Beezlebub are all safe. 

Just like I promised. 

Now do what you promised.

 Answer us. 

You haven't forgotten us have you?

Why haven't you written us? 

Why did you write all those awful things in the journals you gave us? 

I thought you were DIFFERENT!

Signature:

Harry B.

#disney descendants #descendants #melissa de la cruz #detective harry badun #harry badun #harold badun #the badun agency files #the badun detective agency files #the badun detective agency #the b.a.u au #disney descendants alternate universe #descendants alternate universe

[catholic-character-tournament]

Round 2 - Resurrect Bracket (Losers Bracket) Side B

ashes to ashes, dust to dust; in sure and certain hope of the Resurrection to [make it to the finals]

Propaganda below ⬇️

Temenos

so his whole thing is he's an inquisitor who is just fundamentally bad at being a priest on account of he does things like forgetting scripture and not being able to help but doubt the institution which gets everyone hes ever cared about killed. he's gay. he says shit like "careful, i bite". he's in yuri with a holy knight. he's one of my favorite characters and i want to beat him over the head with a cast iron skillet

fucked up gay little cleric who was supposed to grapple with the fact that the institution he serves is corrupt except he has been in doubt from the very beginning and very clearly doesnt put much stock in the scripture hes made it his lifes work to preach. hes kinda a freak with it. every line he speaks is said with the cadence of a gay guy checking under his nails while ignoring you as he talks. i have to hit him with mallets and shatter him into pieces.

This man is the world's worst clergyman. He's a high ranking member of the holy inquisition, but nobody respects him and he mostly just uses his position to investigate random murders for fun. He regularly forgets how the bible goes and little kids have to correct him on how the plot goes of the jrpg equivalent of jesus's resurrection. He has a holy knight for a boyfriend. He tortures people for information any other character can just ask for. His best friend out of the rest of the main 8 is an assassin and gang member. He tries to get people to commit crimes with him. His story is about uprooting the corruption in his church and killing high ranking church members and also Literal Fucking Jrpg satan. He regularly blasphemes and everyone around him looks in horror as he shouts at god and encourages people to become atheists. His catchphrase is "doubt is what I do." He is still somehow the most devout character in the entire game despite being a total fuck up of a cleric who does not deserve to be here whatsoever. Pls let him win it'd be SO FUNNY

Hes genuinely just the funniest guy. Very little about his story has to do with the faith but like. He routinely roasts the entire pantheon of in-universe gods. He beats people up (metaphorically of course) as one of his main game mechanics. He got stamped as the resident gayboy SO fast. His starliner definitely has higher intelligence than wisdom even though clerics use wisdom. Every chapter he appears in he solves a mystery by zoning out so hard his god blesses him with extremely vivid hallucinations. He's so deeply fucking traumatized. One of his battle skills is fully just beating his enemies up with his staff. He ends up defunding the police. He can very casually become a thermonuclear bomb but in a very holy way. His best friend is a 23-year-old assassin that exclusively calls him "Detective". Is he Catholic (ish)? Yeah, but he certainly doesn't always act like it.

He constantly commits heresy and doubts the gods but is still the not-Pope's right hand man

Listen, imagine you'd go to church and your priest gets roasted by kids for forgetting how the bible goes. That's him, canonically even. He's like if a redditor who wants to be a detective was cosplaying as a holy man. He's someone whose whole thing is doubting the gods and the church, to the point where he makes another person question his faith too, even though he is technically The holy man. He's absolutely unhinged and gay. He's 30 years old and absolutely does not look like it. He's traumatized, and cannot be sincere and honest about his feelings even once. He should go to therapy actually. Like desperately. For his sake and everyone around him.

he is from the faith but he doubts everything around him to find the truth through it........ also i'd like to see him torment the crotchety priest i had to do a face-to-face confession with in high school. it'd be funny.

FATHER BROWN BUT MAKE HIM GAY AND PLAGUED BY TRUST ISSUES. This man will forget his own sermons, beat people up for infos and, at the same time, gets to be the fantasy equivalent of a youth pastor. He somehow manages to be the most unhinged person in a party that includes a vengeful math professor who can and WILL mug people. He might not be the most devout Catholic of them all, but he is definitely the *funniest* one. Give it up for the world's shittiest priest!

i’m gonna be honest temenos is a TERRIBLE catholic but he’s funny and i love him. he also has a weird gay thing going on with a paladin it’s great.

Doug

I know the movie is called VelociPastor but he's actually a Roman Catholic priest and a velociraptor too.

Please watch velocipastor. I don't think I could describe it if I tried.

Doug is canonically a Roman Catholic priest who is questioning his religion after his parents die.

He turns into a velociraptor and decides to fight crime. I don’t wanna spoil it but the movie is batshit insane

#cct polls #tumblr tournament #tumblr bracket #tumblr polls #tenemos mistral #octopath traveler 2 #octopath temenos #polls #r2losers #doug jones #the velocipastor

[unohanabbygirl]

Sorry for the late response to the latest chapter of FMN. Okay I feel like Luke deserves to get a punch in on Aemond when he gets his memories back, maybe a few actually for what Aemond said in the past, even if he was trying to cover up his heartbreak. Everything about Daemon’s POV is spot on and I love how you managed to accomplish that! So what I gathered is that Daemon is still the uncle of the Targtower kids and Rhaenyra is his first cousin, right? And my god, reading Luke’s files from the past was absolutely crushing. I really hope there’s a copy of that video on Luke’s mom or they find her because I feel like there will be a damning piece of evidence that might be key in Luke’s trial. I think I got all of the hints you dropped and let me tell you I am freaking out about what it all means and how it will all play out as the story continues. Also Aemma, love you lots, but not good timing. Excellent writing as always and much love!

Luke deserves to get in more than a punch after everything he’s been through both in the past AND the present. Anger is an understandable emotion and if anyone in owed to take a few hits out on their murderer it’s Luke. Regardless of the fact that deep down he still might want to give Aemond smooches.

Despite all of this I can’t help but feel that the saddest part is even if he beat Aemond black and blue, no physical hit could amount to even a fraction of the pain he’s experienced and will have to learn to work through in order to make life worth living. It’s the most bittersweet part of the whole story. Even when everything is set and done, everyone kisses and makes up and all that jazz, these things still happened to Luke and truly healing is a process that’ll take years.

I’m so happy that you liked Daemon’s pov! He’s such a hard character to make come to life from a realistic angle because he’s such a confusing man. He’s not a bad guy but he’s definitely no where near a good guy either. Its that perfect gray area which makes it hard to get a good read on him. He maims rapists which is amazing, but clearly has less than familial feelings for his 14yr old niece. He loves both of his wife’s and adores their children to death but had no problem killing his first wife who did nothing to him he give him the same attitude he gave her (in show canon at least since he wasn’t in the Vale when Rhae died in f&b) Yea, he killed a little boy, but this is a world that operates on rules similar to the old testament. An eye for an eye, a leg for a leg, a son for a son.

Personally I feel that some people either write him like a stereotypical evil villain while others make him too uncaring and laid back. So i’m glad that I hit that good spot in the middle.

You’re correct! His brother Travis is the green kids father making him their uncle while Rhaenyra is his first cousin on his aunts side. I wanted everyone to still have that close familial relationship by blood while still switching things up enough to make their new relation believable and fit the timeline.

There’s definitely a bigger plot playing out in the background and Luke’s mother is a key player. Everything from being the only person who knows Luke’s true father to getting that mysterious call from her his self-proclaimed sister and whatever lawyer was able to get her such a good get out of jail free card after how she treated Luke. Cathryne is an important puzzle piece who we can only hope will come out of hiding soon. (Or get dragged out 👀)

Lol, Aemma really chose the worst to show up didn’t she? Daemon’s world is falling apart as he tries to piece together his newly found sons past while his smartest most mature kids have decided to do the most idiotic thing ever and sneak into a club and get sloppy drunk + start a fight all while knowing that Luke is knee deep in serious legal trouble. Now isn’t the greatest time for grandma Aemma to pull up with homemade chocolate chip cookies 😭

I appreciate your sweet words babes. Much love to you too 🥰

#asks

[carriagelamp]

A combined May and June book list because work was too busy for me to have any extra time or energy for reading. Now that things have slackened a bit though I've been able to start picking up more things! It feels so good to sit down with a book again and just read for the pure joy of it. Still, despite a lack of time I did read a few really cute books over the past couple months.

Doctor Who: 13 Doctors 13 Stories

A collection of Doctor Who short stories that was honestly just a lot of fun. Each story features a different Doctor, so by the end you’ve had one story for each of the Doctors that there’s been so far. Since I’m primarily familiar with NuWho and only have only seen/read a handful of Classic Who stories, this was a fun way to get to know them and their companions a bit better. I don’t think there was a single story I disliked! Though the one that amused me the most (even if it wasn’t necessarily the “best” in the collection) was probably “The Nameless City” because the idea of a Doctor Who / Cthuhlu crossover is way too funny. The Doctor throwing the Necronomicon across the Tardis? Outstanding, no notes.

Charlotte’s Web

A classic that I feel the need to reread every few years. It really is the perfect spring novel, and it made a very comforting read this May. Now that I’ve read E B White’s other children’s novels, I can now say without a doubt that Charlotte’s Web is the best of the lot. It feels like a more tightly written, cohesive and compelling story than either Stuart Little or The Trumpet of the Swan. White's writing just draws your right in, his descriptions, the way he'll wind you through these leisurely lists of details, the way every thing feels new and special and comfortable... it's impossible not to feel content while reading.

For those who have never read Charlotte’s Web, it’s a story about a pig called Wilbur, who is saved from being killed as the runt of the litter by Fern. Her parents allow Fern to raise the pig, and eventually Wilbur goes to live in her uncle’s barn. After he learns that he will most certainly be killed for meat in the autumn, his animal friends — particularly the clever and beautiful spider called Charlotte — start hatching a plan to save Wilbur’s life. 

Enemies

I’ve read the other Berrybrook Middle School books written by Svetlana Chmakova and by and large I've enjoyed them, but I have to admit they’re wearing a bit thin for me (Brave was definitely the peak of the series for me). Which isn’t the fault of Chmakova! She draws nice stories that have good themes and morals for that age group, they tackle very relevant social problems kid that age might go through. But as an adult, this one in particular felt profoundly middle school.

In this book, Felicity is struggling with the fact that she never seems to “finish” anything while her sister seems to be good at everything and impresses everyone. Felicity is struggling to learn how to balance the importance of going at your own pace versus sticking with something to meet obligations versus asking for help when you need it. During all this Felicity struggles with friendships that have faded and may even be getting worse — how easy is it to make enemies and how does one fix that?

The Innocence of Father Brown

I’ve been wanting a good cosy murder mystery and I’ve always heard good things about Father Brown so I decided to give the first collection a try. It was pretty darn good! Father Brown is an unassuming little Catholic priest who appears to bumble his way good-naturedly through life. However between his keen ability to observe and appreciate every day life mixed with the fact that a man who hears Confessions gets exposed to the way of the criminal mind, me makes an astounding detective. No one expects anything of him until he absolutely dazzles with his observations and connections. His nemesis-cum-bestie Flambeau is stupendous and I love him.

The religious fervor / aggression / intolerance of any slight deviations is a bit trying though and definitely dates the stories… I would be interested in trying another book to see if that’s toned down. Or maybe even watching one of the modern adaptations since I suspect they would chill out that a little on the blatant xenophobia. Makes me long for good old Father Mulcahy.

The Hardy Boys: The House on the Cliff

I never read The Hardy Boys as a kid but I feel in my heart that I would have loved them. This book was a fun detective story about the Hardy brothers initially attempting to stake out a group of smugglers, only to stumble across a seemingly haunted house and the sudden kidnapping of their father. The peril mounts and they need to rely on their friends to foil the plot. My only complaint is that it lays the whole "wholesome 1950s" schtick on pretty thick. I would really like to try reading the original 1930s version before it was toned down… except it’s damnably hard to find. I think if I had gotten this as a kid it would have scratched a similar itch to Tintin.

Hazel’s Shadow

A thrilling YA survival horror! It combines some neat, unexpected elements to make a really intriguing, fast-paced horror story that is part haunted house and part zombie plague survival.

Hazel has always been able to see ghosts, every since she was a child, and they don’t particularly worry her... they don't except for one creature — a horrible, black shadow — that lurks in her grandmother’s house and seems to haunt her every step, leering and waiting as her grandmother gradually grows sicker and sicker. Hazel would have thought that this would be her biggest concern until what starts as a localized fear suddenly seems to spread, turning the recently deceased into mindless, unfeeling monsters, hellbent on destroying any living person they can get, to kill them and turn them into one of them. Hazel and a small group of fellow classmates are at school when this happens, and find themselves — and a pair of ghosts — needed to band together to survive and possibly to face the horror that’s been haunting Hazel.

American Girls: Kit Saves The Day

I’ve often heard that these American Girl books are actually really good so I grabbed one from the library. And dang, people weren’t kidding, I was really impressed at how much nuance they fit into such a short book written for such a young audience. Kit Saves The Day is about a girl whose family is living through the Great Depression. It shows the life she has to live in order to help make ends meet and how its different from the life she once knew. Her understanding is expanded when she meets a young “hobo” who rides the rails and is invited to help with the family's gardening in exchange for food.

My Dress-Up Darling v2

A ridiculous series that’s just a little addictive. It's about a student, Wakana, who is trying to follow in his grandfather’s footsteps of becoming a doll maker, and is passionate and skilled at creating the costumes and accessories that goes with them. When popular, trendy Marin catches him at it, he’s sure he’s going to be humiliated… until he finds out that she’s passionate about cosplay and really wants to try cosplaying her favourite character but doesn’t have the skill to make the costume. The two end up teaming up to bring that dream to life. It’s charming and pretty and just the right amount of fanservice-y mixed with more technical aspects that keep it interesting.

Torchwood Tales

Short stories have been great for me lately — I’ve been so busy at work that they let me sample a bunch of different adventures without demanding too much time or attention — and this audio collection was a godsend. Like the Doctor Who collection, this one features a variety of exciting stories set in the Torchwood universe. I really enjoyed the first half of the stories, but honestly the second half didn’t quite do it for me. My favourite thing about Torchwood is the team dynamics, and the last four stories were set late enough in the series that they were mostly down to only Gwen or Jack… who I love in tandem with the other characters but am less interested in as solo agents. “Everyone Says Hello”, “Department X” and “Ghost Train” were probably my favourites because it really let a group of character bounce of each other in funny ways as they try to solve whatever absolute weirdness is going down. Rhys getting to the be the "most important man on Earth" for a story was such a pure delight!

Up To No Gouda // Cheddar Late Than Dead

Wow. This series. Was a disappointment. As I said with Father Brown, I was in the mood for some “cosy murder mysteries” and stumbled across this completely by accident. The concept of grilled-cheese-themed murder mysteries paired with the hilarious awful puns made me certain that this was going to be a fun series. It must, I naively told myself, be at least somewhat self-aware and probably have a humour/parody bend to it. I could not have been more wrong. This may have a negative amount of humour. I think every time it tried to be funny is actively sucked mirth and enjoyment out of the air.

This series is about the whitest woman in existence, who is so blandly pleasant that it made the 1950s Hardy Boys edgy in comparison, who goes through life running her grilled cheese restaurant, banally making uninteresting conversation with everyone (who apparently feels compelled to answer her incredibly dumb, probing questions), and brownnosing the cops so hard I might almost call it indecent if it were for the fact that this book even censored the term “that sucks” in reference to something being disappointing.

Nothing happens. Midsomer Murders is the perfect example of how I want this sort of small town murder mystery to go: it should have an at least somewhat interesting detective character, completely fucking mental background characters who make things more difficult than they should be, and an absolute pile of dead bodies by the end. I want the first corpse in the first five minutes and a steady bodycount from then out. It took an hour before the book’s one single death and I had to listen to this woman talk about cheese until then. The deaths weren’t even gruesome.

Why did I read two of these dumb books? Because I started with the third in the series (Cheddar Late Than Dead) and it was juuuuust interesting enough that I thought that maybe the author had run out of steam by this point and that the debut might be better. It was somehow the inverse and the first was EVEN MORE BORING.

I can’t emphasize enough how much she doesn’t do anything. It does not feel like anyone is investigating anything. Most of the story is absolutely unrelated small town nonsense that doesn’t even manage to be properly charming.  Most boring murder imaginable. This is a Hallmark murder mystery. Do not read these. They're not even bad enough to be funny.

Wind Rider: Rescue on Turtle Beach

A charming little introductory book to a new series. Wind Rider is about a pair of kids who find a small, abandoned ship wrecked on the shore… but which suddenly transports them across the world and becomes not only whole and seaworthy, but also capable of sailing itself. The kids go on an adventure to Hawaii where they help save some endangered sea turtles. Reading it as an adult it was fairly dull, but I can see how it would appeal to the intended age group. It had nice art and decent facts about endangered animals. It feels like it’s trying to be a new, nature-conservation-themed Magic Tree House. ...Which might be one of the reasons I wasn't that into it, I felt like I could have gone to read Magic Tree House and had a better time of it.

#book review #book reviews #canlit #queer lit #torchwood #hardy boys #doctor who #torchwood tales #13 doctors 13 stories #the house on the cliff #wind rider #rescue on turtle beach #american girl #kit saves the day #my dress up darling #father brown #the innocence of father brown #charlotte's web #berrybrook middle school #Svetlana Chmakova #franklin w dixon #g k chesterton #up to no gouda #cheddar late than dead

[euphoniouspandemonium]

What's the thing you're most excited about for each wip? :D

Welp, it's time for a list, and it's gonna be a long one. You have been warned.

Cotton Mendings: I am absolutely hype about like. Literally Everything. Right now I am especially excited about 1) exploring the relationship between Willie and Edward (they're side characters, Willie is Salvatore's elder brother) even though I know it is going to make me cry so much 2) literally everything about Percy but especially his backstory, which is also going to make me cry so much and already has and 3) this one side character who is a close friend of Percy's - their name is Kaspar and they're a magician. Also they're nonbinary and German. I would die for them. OH and! I think I'm gonna make a (much more in depth) Power Point Comic Sans reintroduction, which is also really exciting <3

Putting the rest under a cut!!

Clarity Is Blood On A Murder Weapon: COMMUNISM. A CHAOTIC WHOLESOME QUEER FRIEND GROUP. VERY SAD BACKSTORIES. ROCK MUSIC REFERENCES. WACKY 1960S FASHION. MURDERRRRRRRRR- also like there's several scenes that happen in bathrooms and they range from wholesome and cute to so fucking gay and tender they make me want to break down sobbing on my bedroom floor. And I can't wait to write said scenes. And everyone's dynamics??? I am just. Obsessed with these stupid queers.

Tuned Teeth And Sour Symphonies: well for one thing I get to cowrite something with the most darling person in the world (@writing-is-a-martial-art <3)- and. Our characters are so interesting and I would like to put them under a microscope. And hurt them, mentally and physically. OH OH and the PLOT is SO FUN and our prose and the themes are so >>>>>> and the BACKSTORIES!! Oh lord the backstories. They are very sad but. Writing about them is so >>>>>>>>>> AND THE SYMBOLISM *screams*

Okay okay now WIPs that I haven't really talked about-

The Art Of Devouring: this is actually a short story/prose poetry collection and I've posted three of said stories/poems!! The Moon Was Eaten Last Night – Whatever Will Happen To The Tides, What To Dream At World's End, and How To Lose Your Corpse To The Sea (they're all linked in my pinned post!). AND. I am very excited about the other ideas I have for it. I started a story about lesbians and consensual??? cannibalism a while ago. The first line is "you are my apple of Eden", which I think is quite cool. There's probably also gonna be a story about dramatic eating of a peach because I feel like I am devouring god whenever I eat peaches so.

And Bleed, Like Hydrangea: it's about three queer theatre kids who find the memoir of a gay man from the Victorian era and the things that happen in the memoir parallel the stories of these kids and it switches between a) epistolary (the memoir) b) third p present tense narration of the teens' narrative and c) a screenplay based on the memoir. LIKE WHAT'S THERE NOT TO BE HYPE ABOUT. (This is my most ambitious project and it terrifies me.)

Earl/Edith WIP: it's literally a story about a bisexual genderfluid criminal mastermind. Like what's more exciting than that. Also there's moth and butterfly symbolism and two borzois named Frankie and Lola.

Claude WIP: TRANSGENDERISM AND SCIENCE AND FEMINISM AND HOMOSEXUALITY, NEED I SAY MORE. Need or not I will because I want to. It's set in the 1840s and the protagonist, Claude, is a trans guy (but he doesn't know that yet) and he adores science and wants to be a scientist but he gets arranged married with a (very gay) scientist dude who's pining for his best friend from college. Also Claude's sister is a raging lesbian scientist and her shitty husband died of mYstEriOuS cAusEs a while before the main plot. And did I mention everyone loves science.

The Kraken WIP: it's set in the 18th century and there's pirates in it. The imagery is probably gonna be rather fucking ethereal. Also I think there's a fucked up little sopping wet cat scientist guy. And it's historical magical realism which is >>>>>>>>

She's A Femme Fatale (???): (female) detective falls in love with a femme fatale who murdered her husband. And it's got strong noir vibes. That is very fucking exciting I think.

Alright my unhinged ranting is over now. Have a good day, my dear Inara!!

#asks

[jerichomere]

mysterious Benedict societ Season 2 Episode FOUR

Okay, this one had real book content, sort of, and I laughed a few times! So Curtain is hypnotizing people but now they’re going brain dead For the first time in the series I felt sympathy for Jackson and Jillson. All first season they had a creepy robotic energy, and this season so far they’ve been a bit more relaxed and humany in their words and expressions. Some curtain underling is bullying them to keep the brain dead people secret and they actually seem to be feeling scared and concerned. Mr. Benedict seems like he’s succumbed to the hypnosis but I suspect he’s faking it They cheated!!!!! flashback to Constance’s birthday and there was just one candle on the cake. They will not confirm or deny her age!!!! The necklace is not a globe, it’s a clam with a pearl, and the pearl has the map inside. close enough (They had to first give it to pay a snarky cab driver and then scam it back from him) (once again Constance implies murder, or at least revenge) Ten men=“grays”. The gray suits. The Suits that are gray that work for Curtain. Curtain’s Grays.   one is a woman. Rip to the pencil darts and chloroform. Sticky lists every city in Germany that is a palindrome and also knows which has a train station, then says, “What. common knowledge” I lauhed Ok so there’s this fake water polo team?? they thought Curtain had sent them, but it has been revealed that the team and the grays don’t know each other. So what is this mysterious element? Uncomfy energy in the birthday flashback or number two and Rhonda. They use a saw to cut the cake. Hey everyone reading this please don’t ship them. Speaking of the flashback, Mr. B offers constance info about her past and she’s like nah. Are they trying to set up Prisoner’s Dilemma?????????? Are we really gonna get season 3??????? Who is funding this. Who is viewing this and loving it and making another season feasible. It’s honestly not that great a show. We’ll see I guess Back to the episode. They see the wpolo team and they’re like oh no they’re on the train with us... and they don’t close the little blind on the window to their compartment. Like wow maybe constance deserved to be kidnapped, you guys didn’t even try to hide. (that’s how the episode ends) While the kids do their thing, Milligan, Rhonda, and Miss Perumal are in a blimp trying to catch up to them (what even is this time period actually??). the blimp goes down, they borrow a motor bike, etc. it runs out of gas and Milligan’s just like. I got this. and sprints to a town, siphons gas into his boot, and sprints back haha I am really wondering if they’re trying to make Mil and Miss P end up together. They’ve had a few moments and I can’t read the mood. I hope nothing comes of it.

So here’s one thing I’ve finally figured out. The kids are written like they don’t know each other. Like Sticky’s prodigious memory is still a surprise for them. Reynie asks, “Kate, you got a pen” and Kate says, “Do I have a pen” while getting her pen, instead of Reynie saying something like, “Kate; pen” while holding out his hand. The first book had a whole part where they went through everything in Kate’s bucket and even how she fit it all in there. They would know she had a pen. The book did have character growth, but they’re supposed to have the foundation of being the Society. Somehow it still feels like they’re practically strangers to each other.

I am struck with the thought that the final island/village/place (I can’t remember) may not happen there at all. Mr B is not being held in a cave, they’re in Curtain’s Good Place. Is the final showdown gonna be there? Where is SQ? We Must have Sticky’s sledge scene.

Well, this ep at least had more for me to write about. I got the book and will start a reread soon!

#The Mysterious Benedict Society #tmbs #mbs #jext

[kinetic-elaboration]

September 26: AHS 5x08 Ten Commandments Killer

Eh. I’m coming to the conclusion that I really am only here for the B-plots. The more I like an aspect of the season, the less time and attention is given to it.

Detective John is my least favorite character and the Ten Commandments Killer my least favorite story—tied perhaps with March and his whole back story and for essentially the same reasons. I just don’t care about serial killers. I don’t care for all this faux-deep ‘I’m just a rage-filled man but I’m actually imposing bloody justice and order on a chaotic and unjust world’ or literally whatever. ‘Killing is an art form blah blah.’ The absolute pretension. I can’t tell to what degree that’s supposed to be on purpose (purposefully stupid) and to what degree we’re really supposed to find characters like this scary and disturbing, or maybe even, in John’s case, the tiniest bit sympathetic. I just… I don’t care. I don’t know any other ways to say it. It sort of reminds me of I Am the Night when the guy was like ‘I’ve read Breton and now I understand the Truth about Everything and that truth is I must murder and main young women!’ And I was like, oh, hmm, I’ve also read Breton, and I’ve read Bataille, and I’ve never killed anyone, so…. Your logic is unsound. But at least in that miniseries the heroine told him he was pretentious before fighting her way to freedom in a satisfying way.

Here, as I said, I’m left wondering if I’m supposed to find something deep and meaningful, or at least properly frightening, in his ‘black aura’ or whatever.

I remembered that John was the killer so there really wasn’t much of interest in this episode. If there had been any mystery or surprise it might have been satisfying to see everything played through again except this time we know the truth. But… the truth was so obvious. The 10 Commandments Killer was John’s story line from the first episode. No one else was ever really involved with it. So who are the options? A totally new character—plausible given how late certain plot points are added in but kind of a random choice. March himself—probably the intended red herring but he can’t physically leave the hotel, which means it can’t be just him. And…. John. And that’s it. So. Not a surprise at all.

I have mixed feelings about this ‘everything all fits together’ place that we’re in now with the plot. Originally, it seemed like the only connecting thread was that all this weird stuff happens in the hotel, and all these weird creatures and ghosts live in the hotel, and that’s it. A unity of place but everyone’s just running around in it doing their own thing. But now we’re seeing that, oh, actually the Countess and March were married and that’s why she lives in the hotel, and oh, the Detective was March’s protégé all along, and oh not only did the Countess steal his kid but she did it on purpose to target him, and it’s just… it’s all very neat. Maybe I’m being too harsh and it should be really satisfying to see all the pieces coming together. But it feels more awkwardly contrived and forced than natural and satisfying. Maybe that’s just me.

Sally was the best part of this episode, not because she was or is particularly great as a character, but because there was no competition. I liked how she was playing with Wren’s hair in that creepy way at the end.

I also liked the glimpses we got of Alex (who definitely appears way too good for him in the snippet we see here, though of course we know from other episodes that she is actually equally deranged), Iris, and Liz (obviously).

#the year 2023 #2023: fandom thoughts #2023: ahs

[charleswaterloo]

AGREED DO THE ULTIMATE FIC REC

Thank you so much for asking!! Okay, here we go!

DC fics that I got a few paragraphs into and already KNEW were going to be AMAZING:

1. The Jason Project by loosingletters

Warnings: Major Character Death

Jason had just wanted to see his autopsy report, he had only wanted to know what information Bruce had about his death. And when Bruce hadn't given it to him, he had stolen it. He hadn’t meant to stumble upon the bucket list of a dead child and the footage of a grieving father crossing one item after another off the list.

My thoughts: I don't often cry (which isn't healthy lmao) but this fic made me cry (happy tears!). It is absolutely wonderful and while angsty it has such a beautiful ending. I can't recommend it enough!

2. Little bird by Ididloveyou_once

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Tim knew he was fucked if only for the way that his brain was chanting Jason, like a litany. So he definitely didn’t need to hear the cold, mechanical chuckle or the chillingly delighted 'lucky me' to know that this was not good.

He took a second to look down at his coffee mournfully.

Then, he threw it at Hood’s helmet and bolted down the Tower corridor.

Or: Tim is supposed to be at Gotham Academy for a parent-teacher conference. Hood has other plans (Titans Tower AU).

My thoughts: One of the best Titans Tower AU fics I have ever had the pleasure of reading. The ending is to die for and so fluffy - it never fails to warm my heart <3

3. Straight to Voicemail by cabbagetop

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

“Red Hood. I need you to incapacitate Timothy Drake-Wayne.” “Aw, man,” Jason sighs, shouldering through the old wooden doors and out into the street with his books under his arm. “You and half the northern hemisphere. What’d he do this time?”

Jason's phone is blowing up about one Timothy Drake-Wayne (who is Jason's responsibility since when, exactly?). Jason comfort-eats. Jason suffers long. Jason reluctantly tries to keep this Raphus cucullatus of a human being alive, and maybe finds himself sidling back into the family while he's at it.

My thoughts: I was crying with laughter by the third sentence. If you want free serotonin, you will find it here folks, I guarantee it. Brilliantly written and hilarious and such a fantastic interpretation of Jason's character. Please read this lmao <3

4. miss me? by envysparkler

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Jason’s plan to observe his family’s reactions to his resurrection…does not go as intended.

My thoughts: I think I've recommended this one at least once before, but I will do so again because it is one of the best stories I have ever had the honour of reading on AO3. It has a happy ending, but was another fic which actually made me tear up. It is just beautiful and I'm sure some of you have read it before. Read it again even if you have - it's that good.

5. No Pain, All Gain by @sohotthateveryonedied

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Bruce checks Tim’s IV. “Are you in any pain? Do you need more morphine?”

Tim’s pupils are so wide that only the faintest ring of blue can be seen. He watches Bruce the way a five-year-old watches cartoons. “I’m all good, B-dog. All Gucci, like we cool teens say." His words are slurred almost beyond recognition, but Tim doesn’t seem to notice or care. "I could fight Superman right now.”

My thoughts: I know of only about 3 or 4 fics featuring Tim absolutely high out of his mind on some drug or another and this has got to be one of the absolute best of them. Whenever I feel the Depression(TM) crawling in and I need to laugh INSTANTLY I read this. It has not failed me yet. I can't recommend it enough it's so funny and a great read <3 The line below from the fic makes me scream laugh EVERY TIME:

“He’s not in his right mind.” “So? Neither are you half the time but you’re still in charge of everything.”

6. The Ouija Boy by SunnyBlue

Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Timothy Drake was a stillborn baby. He was born dead, stayed that way for a solid five minutes, and was then resuscitated in the delivery room. He was a child who grew up alone, but for his imaginary friends. He had so many imaginary friends, in fact, that his parents sent him to get evaluated several times over the course of his childhood, which was spent with Tim as the only heartbeat in that house.

But that didn’t mean he was alone.

---

Tim sees dead people. When a Batboys murder investigation is going nowhere, he realizes his only chance at solving the case is to speak to the ghost of one of the victims. He has to reveal his secret to his brothers -- or risk the killer getting away.

My thoughts: STAND BACK FOR POSSIBLY ONE OF MY TOP TEN FAVOURITE FICS OF ALL TIME. I'm pretty sure I've recommended this one before but I will do so again. The story is impeccable, the mystery is ELITE and everything about it is literally perfect. I re-read this at least once a month so I can bask in its greatness and become a better person for having read it.

7. there but for the grace of god by TheResurrectionist

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

From a tumblr prompt.

AKA, "A Justice League fic where everyone argues about who's the most beautiful and intimidating sexy from the Big Three and everyone has valid points."

My thoughts: I'm going to let the note I added to the bookmark I made of this fic speak for itself. Here's what I wrote: "This was so funny - shoutout Jason for undeniable lad vibes plus the fact he felt he needed to neatly organise and write down the big three's sexiest traits."

8. American Ninja Worrier by DangerBeckett

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

It's just like Tim to give a poor college student a start in the business world. Kid's a bleeding heart, and usually, that's the sort of thing Jason avoids at all costs. He prefers his bleeding hearts on the literal side, and despite Bruce's best efforts, he's never had a head for business.

Unfortunately, though, this time the business is ninjas, and that's the sort of thing that makes Jason take notice. Because Bruce is useless, and someone's gotta make sure Tim's new internship program doesn't take down all of Gotham.

That's Jason's job, after all.

My thoughts: Please GOD just read the first few paragraphs. You'll know exactly what I mean when I say that this fic is it. Hilarious, badass and adorable. I mean, see the title of this fic rec. I just knew this fic was going to be amazing from the first line.

I have many, many more of course, but I'll leave this here for now as it's getting to be a pretty long post. Anyway, these are all fics - short and long! - that I knew were going to be absolutely perfect within the first few moments of reading. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did!

#fic rec #dc fic rec #dc #dcu #dc comics #fanfic #fanfics #fanfiction #charleswaterloo dc shit #charleswaterloo says shit #bruce wayne #batman #dick grayson #batfam #tim drake #jason todd #cassandra cain #stephanie brown #duke thomas #damian wayne #barbara gordon #alfred pennyworth #writing #AMAZING #PLEASE READ THEM ALL #long post

[feanorianethicsdepartment]

time travel aus, amirite? since we’ve all decided to start talking about our ideas, i thought i’d throw my hat into the ring. i’ve actually had this idea for a while, i just wasn’t sure what to do with it because i barely have the patience for one-shots, let alone the continuous plotted longfic this would need

it’s not my idea, of course, i’m incapable of original thought. it’s based off this can-i-really-call-it-a-genre-if-it’s-two-fics-with-the-same-premise where some combination of maedhros, maglor, elros, and elrond land in the blessed realm before - even the unchaining, in my take, when the ambarussa are still children and the world is blissful. it’s more specifically my take on this fic, which takes elrond and elros from very early in their captivity and maedhros from just before the silmaril theft and maglor from several centuries into the second age. i just plugged my own characterisations into it, and, uh. the specific setup this not-genre uses is that maitimo and makalaurë *~mysteriously disappear,~* throwing their extended family into chaos, blah blah blah, and then a few decades later -

well. with my characterisations, we have a nightmare hellbeast who’s burned up everything he used to be in singular pursuit of an unreachable goal and has carved his very self into a weapon, a completely drained beaten-up husk barely cognisant of reality past the screaming in his mind who’s so utterly broken it’s debatable if he even counts as an elda, and two extremely young extremely traumatised children in a completely unfamiliar land- and skyscape whose only adult they can maybe-kind-of trust is currently bleeding from the eyes and shrieking wordless notes of utter despair

yeah, this au’s Fun. elrond and elros have maybe eight words of quenya between them, most of which are obscene, maedhros will act completely normal until he suddenly stabs himself in the arm because can’t this stupid hallucination end already, he has a character arc to tank, and maglor seems completely unaware he’s not still on the beach having the same cyclic arguments with the ghosts of the people he failed. the elves of valinor aren’t completely unprepared to deal with this, at least not the ones who remember cuiviénen, but it’s still a massive shock to see two of the children they came to the land of the gods to protect twisted and scarred like the worst victims of the dark. especially since noone can figure out why

so yeah. i have trouble finishing oneshot collections, so i doubt i’ll ever write this out in full, but i do have a lot of Scenes. fëanáro staring in utter horror at the oath, whispering ‘i made this.’ elros and elrond’s somewhat hole-filled explanation of their backstory devolving into a sindarin argument, and when the family asks tyelkormo what they’re talking about he freezes before saying ‘they’re arguing about whether maitimo killed their mother.’ the moment maglor finally managed to get through what happened after they got the silmarils to maedhros, who immediately switches from off-the-cuff self-harm to well-planned suicide attempts. the five-minute period the family hellspawn’s working theory was ‘they’re maitimo and makalaurë from an alternate universe where we’re evil’ (‘is there an evil version of me??? does he eat kids???????’ - tyelko) finwë going full bulldoze taniquetil in the background. fun times, might write some snippets in the future

but i like to think through the mechanics of this kind of time travel story too much, so i started wondering where maitimo and makalaurë, yanno, went. i quickly came to the conclusion that they probably swapped places with their evil future selves, giving me three time travel aus for the price of one! technically four but (a) i’m not sure if or with who the twins would swap and (b) if they did their alternate selves are probably having a really bad time and i don’t particularly want to think about it. the stories maitimo and makalaurë are in... they’re not necessarily any happier, but they are a lot more wtftastic

maitimo falls asleep under the light of the trees, on a relaxing retreat from the demands of court life and family-induced disasters. he wakes up in a world that’s almost completely dark, surrounded by plants he’s never seen before and wearing clothing designed for a much warmer climate, the scent of death in the air. now permanently separated from all his old problems, maitimo rapidly acquires several exciting new ones, including but not limited to:

everyone he ever loved being dead or worse

the lone possible exception, his last surviving little brother, being an almost unrecognisable blood-drenched kinslayer who hates everything in the universe especially himself

said blood-drenched kinslayer almost immediately imprinting on him like a grouchy murderous duckling

his future self having apparently wanted to kill even more people, why

getting dogpiled by like thirty dudes in full armour the instant they showed up at the army of the west’s camp to surrender

getting soul-scanned by eönw two minutes later. not fun

arafinwë pulling him into an enormous hug and then bursting into tears

the subsequent explanation as to just what happened to him and his brothers, which somehow got worse after he’d already thought they’d hit rock bottom like four separate times

proceeding to lose a staring contest with findaráto

the way everyone in camp looks at him like he’s an incredibly dangerous wild animal that might bite at any time

how if half of what arafinwë said is true he can’t even blame them, fuck, fuck

the twin half-elven(?????????????) princes he and his brother apparently kidnapped and held hostage for years, inflicting unimaginable cruelties as far as anyone knows

his first meeting with the kids happening when elrond broke into where they were holding maglor to scream at him in very loud very fast very angry sindarin for like half an hour

maglor just staring at him, eyes wide, ears pinned back, the whole time, and then trying to maul the first guard who mocked him for it

getting saddled with kinslayer containment duties in the aftermath of that whole incident

elrond punching him in the collarbone when he tried to apologise, shouting ‘you weren’t there, don’t you dare try to tell me what it was like’

elros’ visible half second of pure terror after the blow hit home

elros then using recognisable techniques from maitimo’s debate team circuit during a speech to the edain

like, clearly some shit did happen, but it’s obviously not what the local leadership’s afraid of

this sour-faced scar-covered warrior slipping out of the shadows in an unpopulated part of camp, kneeling before him, intoning ‘the swords of the host remain at your disposal my lord’ and then immediately vanishing

he didn’t recognise them until after they’d left but they were definitely one of his philosophy club friends, what even

just generally having woken up in a future a thousand times worse than his darkest nightmares

his natural instinct is to try and fix things, but how?? what’s even left to fix????

maglor sometimes goes into these unhinged desperate spiralling rambles directed at the older brother who exists in his head rather than the one in front of his eyes. whatever’s left of maitimo’s biggest little brother is clearly in so much pain

all the things he’s trying extremely hard not to think about because if he slows down enough to he’s pretty sure he’ll collapse

all the people he’s never met who hate him for pretty understandable reasons and whose social structure he now has to learn to have any hope of making it out of All This

the edain’s collective insistence on calling him pasthros

curufinwë isn’t even a hundred how does he have a kid

makalaurë, on the other hand, wakes up on a beach beneath a giant glowing orb. finding himself in a land so much barer than what he knows, among people whose souls don’t even work like his, his initial working theory is he’s been abducted by aliens

#silmarillion #my terrible fic #maedhros #maglor #elrond #elros #house of feanor #suicide /// #self harm /// #or in other words #late stage feanorians #other mental images include: #nelyo getting stupidly drunk with a bunch of edain enablers #random human fisherman: better not go out to the shore by night. there's a wandering spirit that sings of death and devours souls #kano: wow. you got a lot of those around here or #nelyo and kano glowing like beacons (they were just in the treelight after all) and constantly being surrounded by curious humans #nelyo talking the elro twins into talking to earendil while they still have a chance #galadriel: how dare you show your face around here kinslayer!!! #kano: ... wait are you artanis #he subsequently meets elrond and then serves as a sounding board for elrond's maglor issues #elrond: you know you act a lot like he did when he was blatantly faking being happy #kano: ... WELP #honestly i do feel like nelyo hangs out more with the edain than the other elves #for fun at least. he is bodily dragging mags into lorien he's never going to see these people again ever #as for the political situation... bless him he's trying #idk how all these aus interact i suspect there's divergent timelines involved #one last image: #seeing as how if he continues how he is everyone and everything he's ever loved will burn and die #feanaro steels himself up for the impossible #making up with nolofinwe

[innuendostudios]

Thoughts on: Criterion's Neo-Noir Collection

I have written up all 26 films* in the Criterion Channel's Neo-Noir Collection.

Legend: rw - rewatch; a movie I had seen before going through the collection dnrw - did not rewatch; if a movie met two criteria (a. I had seen it within the last 18 months, b. I actively dislike it) I wrote it up from memory.

* in September, Brick leaves the Criterion Channel and is replaced in the collection with Michael Mann's Thief. May add it to the list when that happens.

Note: These are very "what was on my mind after watching." No effort has been made to avoid spoilers, nor to make the plot clear for anyone who hasn't seen the movies in question. Decide for yourself if that's interesting to you.

Cotton Comes to Harlem I feel utterly unequipped to asses this movie. This and Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song the following year are regularly cited as the progenitors of the blaxploitation genre. (This is arguably unfair, since both were made by Black men and dealt much more substantively with race than the white-directed films that followed them.) Its heroes are a couple of Black cops who are treated with suspicion both by their white colleagues and by the Black community they're meant to police. I'm not 100% clear on whether they're the good guys? I mean, I think they are. But the community's suspicion of them seems, I dunno... well-founded? They are working for The Man. And there's interesting discussion to the had there - is the the problem that the law is carried out by racists, or is the law itself racist? Can Black cops make anything better? But it feels like the film stacks the deck in Gravedigger and Coffin Ed's favor; the local Black church is run by a conman, the Back-to-Africa movement is, itself, a con, and the local Black Power movement is treated as an obstacle. Black cops really are the only force for justice here. Movie portrays Harlem itself as a warm, thriving, cultured community, but the people that make up that community are disloyal and easily fooled. Felt, to me, like the message was "just because they're cops doesn't mean they don't have Black soul," which, nowadays, we would call copaganda. But, then, do I know what I'm talking about? Do I know how much this played into or off of or against stereotypes from 1970? Was this a radical departure I don't have the context to appreciate? Is there substance I'm too white and too many decades removed to pick up on? Am I wildly overthinking this? I dunno. Seems like everyone involved was having a lot of fun, at least. That bit is contagious.

Across 110th Street And here's the other side of the "race film" equation. Another movie set in Harlem with a Black cop pulled between the police, the criminals, and the public, but this time the film is made by white people. I like it both more and less. Pro: this time the difficult position of Black cop who's treated with suspicion by both white cops and Black Harlemites is interrogated. Con: the Black cop has basically no personality other than "honest cop." Pro: the racism of the police force is explicit and systemic, as opposed to comically ineffectual. Con: the movie is shaped around a racist white cop who beats the shit out of Black people but slowly forms a bond with his Black partner. Pro: the Black criminal at the heart of the movie talks openly about how the white world has stacked the deck against him, and he's soulful and relateable. Con: so of course he dies in the end, because the only way privileged people know to sympathetize with minorities is to make them tragic (see also: The Boys in the Band, Philadelphia, and Brokeback Mountain for gay men). Additional con: this time Harlem is portrayed as a hellhole. Barely any of the community is even seen. At least the shot at the end, where the criminal realizes he's going to die and throws the bag of money off a roof and into a playground so the Black kids can pick it up before the cops reclaim it was powerful. But overall... yech. Cotton Comes to Harlem felt like it wasn't for me; this feels like it was 100% for me and I respect it less for that.

The Long Goodbye (rw) The shaggiest dog. Like much Altman, more compelling than good, but very compelling. Raymond Chandler's story is now set in the 1970's, but Philip Marlowe is the same Philip Marlowe of the 1930's. I get the sense there was always something inherently sad about Marlowe. Classic noir always portrayed its detectives as strong-willed men living on the border between the straightlaced world and its seedy underbelly, crossing back and forth freely but belonging to neither. But Chandler stresses the loneliness of it - or, at least, the people who've adapted Chandler do. Marlowe is a decent man in an indecent world, sorting things out, refusing to profit from misery, but unable to set anything truly right. Being a man out of step is here literalized by putting him forty years from the era where he belongs. His hardboiled internal monologue is now the incessant mutterings of the weird guy across the street who never stops smoking. Like I said: compelling! Kael's observation was spot on: everyone in the movie knows more about the mystery than he does, but he's the only one who cares. The mystery is pretty threadbare - Marlowe doesn't detect so much as end up in places and have people explain things to him. But I've seen it two or three times now, and it does linger.

Chinatown (rw) I confess I've always been impressed by Chinatown more than I've liked it. Its story structure is impeccable, its atmosphere is gorgeous, its noirish fatalism is raw and real, its deconstruction of the noir hero is well-observed, and it's full of clever detective tricks (the pocket watches, the tail light, the ruler). I've just never connected with it. Maybe it's a little too perfectly crafted. (I feel similar about Miller's Crossing.) And I've always been ambivalent about the ending. In Towne's original ending, Evelyn shoots Noah Cross dead and get arrested, and neither she nor Jake can tell the truth of why she did it, so she goes to jail for murder and her daughter is in the wind. Polansky proposed the ending that exists now, where Evelyn just dies, Cross wins, and Jake walks away devastated. It communicates the same thing: Jake's attempt to get smart and play all the sides off each other instead of just helping Evelyn escape blows up in his face at the expense of the woman he cares about and any sense of real justice. And it does this more dramatically and efficiently than Towne's original ending. But it also treats Evelyn as narratively disposable, and hands the daughter over to the man who raped Evelyn and murdered her husband. It makes the women suffer more to punch up the ending. But can I honestly say that Towne's ending is the better one? It is thematically equal, dramatically inferior, but would distract me less. Not sure what the calculus comes out to there. Maybe there should be a third option. Anyway! A perfect little contraption. Belongs under a glass dome.

Night Moves (rw) Ah yeah, the good shit. This is my quintessential 70's noir. This is three movies in a row about detectives. Thing is, the classic era wasn't as chockablock with hardboiled detectives as we think; most of those movies starred criminals, cops, and boring dudes seduced to the darkness by a pair of legs. Gumshoes just left the strongest impressions. (The genre is said to begin with Maltese Falcon and end with Touch of Evil, after all.) So when the post-Code 70's decided to pick the genre back up while picking it apart, it makes sense that they went for the 'tecs first. The Long Goodbye dragged the 30's detective into the 70's, and Chinatown went back to the 30's with a 70's sensibility. But Night Moves was about detecting in the Watergate era, and how that changed the archetype. Harry Moseby is the detective so obsessed with finding the truth that he might just ruin his life looking for it, like the straight story will somehow fix everything that's broken, like it'll bring back a murdered teenager and repair his marriage and give him a reason to forgive the woman who fucked him just to distract him from some smuggling. When he's got time to kill, he takes out a little, magnetic chess set and recreates a famous old game, where three knight moves (get it?) would have led to a beautiful checkmate had the player just seen it. He keeps going, self-destructing, because he can't stand the idea that the perfect move is there if he can just find it. And, no matter how much we see it destroy him, we, the audience, want him to keep going; we expect a satisfying resolution to the mystery. That's what we need from a detective picture; one character flat-out compares Harry to Sam Spade. But what if the truth is just... Watergate? Just some prick ruining things for selfish reasons? Nothing grand, nothing satisfying. Nothing could be more noir, or more neo-, than that.

Farewell, My Lovely Sometimes the only thing that makes a noir neo- is that it's in color and all the blood, tits, and racism from the books they're based on get put back in. This second stab at Chandler is competant but not much more than that. Mitchum works as Philip Marlowe, but Chandler's dialogue feels off here, like lines that worked on the page don't work aloud, even though they did when Bogie said them. I'll chalk it up to workmanlike but uninspired direction. (Dang this looks bland so soon after Chinatown.) Moose Malloy is a great character, and perfectly cast. (Wasn't sure at first, but it's true.) Some other interesting cats show up and vanish - the tough brothel madam based on Brenda Allen comes to mind, though she's treated with oddly more disdain than most of the other hoods and is dispatched quicker. In general, the more overt racism and misogyny doesn't seem to do anything except make the movie "edgier" than earlier attempts at the same material, and it reads kinda try-hard. But it mostly holds together. *shrug*

The Killing of a Chinese Bookie (dnrw) Didn't care for this at all. Can't tell if the script was treated as a jumping-off point or if the dialogue is 100% improvised, but it just drags on forever and is never that interesting. Keeps treating us to scenes from the strip club like they're the opera scenes in Amadeus, and, whatever, I don't expect burlesque to be Mozart, but Cosmo keeps saying they're an artful, classy joint, and I keep waiting for the show to be more than cheap, lazy camp. How do you make gratuitious nudity boring? Mind you, none of this is bad as a rule - I love digressions and can enjoy good sleaze, and it's clear the filmmakers care about what they're making. They just did not sell it in a way I wanted to buy. Can't remember what edit I watched; I hope it was the 135 minute one, because I cannot imagine there being a longer edit out there.

The American Friend (dnrw) It's weird that this is Patricia Highsmith, right? That Dennis Hopper is playing Tom Ripley? In a cowboy hat? I gather that Minghella's version wasn't true to the source, but I do love that movie, and this is a long, long way from that. This Mr. Ripley isn't even particularly talented! Anyway, this has one really great sequence, where a regular guy has been coerced by crooks into murdering someone on a train platform, and, when the moment comes to shoot, he doesn't. And what follows is a prolonged sequence of an amateur trying to surreptitiously tail a guy across a train station and onto another train, and all the while you're not sure... is he going to do it? is he going to chicken out? is he going to do it so badly he gets caught? It's hard not to put yourself in the protagonist's shoes, wondering how you would handle the situation, whether you could do it, whether you could act on impulse before your conscience could catch up with you. It drags on a long while and this time it's a good thing. Didn't much like the rest of the movie, it's shapeless and often kind of corny, and the central plot hook is contrived. (It's also very weird that this is the only Wim Wenders I've seen.) But, hey, I got one excellent sequence, not gonna complain.

The Big Sleep Unlike the 1946 film, I can follow the plot of this Big Sleep. But, also unlike the 1946 version, this one isn't any damn fun. Mitchum is back as Marlowe (this is three Marlowes in five years, btw), and this time it's set in the 70's and in England, for some reason. I don't find this offensive, but neither do I see what it accomplishes? Most of the cast is still American. (Hi Jimmy!) Still holds together, but even less well than Farewell, My Lovely. But I do find it interesting that the neo-noir era keeps returning to Chandler while it's pretty much left Hammet behind (inasmuch as someone whose genes are spread wide through the whole genre can be left behind). Spade and the Continental Op, straightshooting tough guys who come out on top in the end, seem antiquated in the (post-)modern era. But Marlowe's goodness being out of sync with the world around him only seems more poignant the further you take him from his own time. Nowadays you can really only do Hammett as pastiche, but I sense that you could still play Chandler straight.

Eyes of Laura Mars The most De Palma movie I've seen not made by De Palma, complete with POV shots, paranormal hoodoo, and fixation with sex, death, and whether images of such are art or exploitation (or both). Laura Mars takes photographs of naked women in violent tableux, and has gotten quite famous doing so, but is it damaging to women? The movie has more than a superficial engagement with this topic, but only slightly more than superficial. Kept imagining a movie that is about 30% less serial killer story and 30% more art conversations. (But, then, I have an art degree and have never murdered anyone, so.) Like, museums are full of Biblical paintings full of nude women and slaughter, sometimes both at once, and they're called masterpieces. Most all of them were painted by men on commission from other men. Now Laura Mars makes similar images in modern trappings, and has models made of flesh and blood rather than paint, and it's scandalous? Why is it only controversial once women are getting paid for it? On the other hand, is this just the master's tools? Is she subverting or challenging the male gaze, or just profiting off of it? Or is a woman profiting off of it, itself, a subversion? Is it subversive enough to account for how it commodifies female bodies? These questions are pretty clearly relevant to the movie itself, and the movies in general, especially after the fall of the Hays Code when people were really unrestrained with the blood and boobies. And, heck, the lead is played by the star of Bonnie and Clyde! All this is to say: I wish the movie were as interested in these questions as I am. What's there is a mildly diverting B-picture. There's one great bit where Laura's seeing through the killer's eyes (that's the hook, she gets visions from the murderer's POV; no, this is never explained) and he's RIGHT BEHIND HER, so there's a chase where she charges across an empty room only able to see her own fleeing self from ten feet behind. That was pretty great! And her first kiss with the detective (because you could see a mile away that the detective and the woman he's supposed to protect are gonna fall in love) is immediately followed by the two freaking out about how nonsensical it is for them to fall in love with each other, because she's literally mourning multiple deaths and he's being wildly unprofessional, and then they go back to making out. That bit was great, too. The rest... enh.

The Onion Field What starts off as a seemingly not-that-noirish cops-vs-crooks procedural turns into an agonizingly protracted look at the legal system, with the ultimate argument that the very idea of the law ever resulting in justice is a lie. Hoo! I have to say, I'm impressed. There's a scene where a lawyer - whom I'm not sure is even named, he's like the seventh of thirteen we've met - literally quits the law over how long this court case about two guys shooting a cop has taken. He says the cop who was murdered has been forgotten, his partner has never gotten to move on because the case has lasted eight years, nothing has been accomplished, and they should let the two criminals walk and jail all the judges and lawyers instead. It's awesome! The script is loaded with digressions and unnecessary details, just the way I like it. Can't say I'm impressed with the execution. Nothing is wrong, exactly, but the performances all seem a tad melodramatic or a tad uninspired. Camerawork is, again, purely functional. It's no masterpiece. But that second half worked for me. (And it's Ted Danson's first movie! He did great.)

Body Heat (rw) Let's say up front that this is a handsomely-made movie. Probably the best looking thing on the list since Night Moves. Nothing I've seen better captures the swelter of an East Coast heatwave, or the lusty feeling of being too hot to bang and going at it regardless. Kathleen Turner sells the hell out of a femme fatale. There are a lot of good lines and good performances (Ted Danson is back and having the time of his life). I want to get all that out of the way, because this is a movie heavily modeled after Double Indemnity, and I wanted to discuss its merits before I get into why inviting that comparison doesn't help the movie out. In a lot of ways, it's the same rules as the Robert Mitchum Marlowe movies - do Double Indemnity but amp up the sex and violence. And, to a degree it works. (At least, the sex does, dunno that Double Indemnity was crying out for explosions.) But the plot is amped as well, and gets downright silly. Yeah, Mrs. Dietrichson seduces Walter Neff so he'll off her husband, but Neff clocks that pretty early and goes along with it anyway. Everything beyond that is two people keeping too big a secret and slowly turning on each other. But here? For the twists to work Matty has to be, from frame one, playing four-dimensional chess on the order of Senator Palpatine, and its about as plausible. (Exactly how did she know, after she rebuffed Ned, he would figure out her local bar and go looking for her at the exact hour she was there?) It's already kind of weird to be using the spider woman trope in 1981, but to make her MORE sexually conniving and mercenary than she was in the 40's is... not great. As lurid trash, it's pretty fun for a while, but some noir stuff can't just be updated, it needs to be subverted or it doesn't justify its existence.

Blow Out Brian De Palma has two categories of movie: he's got his mainstream, director-for-hire fare, where his voice is either reigned in or indulged in isolated sequences that don't always jive with the rest fo the film, and then there's his Brian De Palma movies. My mistake, it seems, is having seen several for-hires from throughout his career - The Untouchables (fine enough), Carlito's Way (ditto, but less), Mission: Impossible (enh) - but had only seen De Palma-ass movies from his late period (Femme Fatale and The Black Dahlia, both of which I think are garbage). All this to say: Blow Out was my first classic-era De Palma, and holy fucking shit dudes. This was (with caveats) my absolute and entire jam. I said I could enjoy good sleaze, and this is good friggin' sleaze. (Though far short of De Palma at his sleaziest, mercifully.) The splitscreens, the diopter shots, the canted angles, how does he make so many shlocky things work?! John Travolta's sound tech goes out to get fresh wind fx for the movie he's working on, and we get this wonderful sequence of visuals following sounds as he turns his attention and his microphone to various noises - a couple on a walk, a frog, an owl, a buzzing street lamp. Later, as he listens back to the footage, the same sequence plays again, but this time from his POV; we're seeing his memory as guided by the same sequence of sounds, now recreated with different shots, as he moves his pencil in the air mimicking the microphone. When he mixes and edits sounds, we hear the literal soundtrack of the movie we are watching get mixed and edited by the person on screen. And as he tries to unravel a murder mystery, he uses what's at hand: magnetic tape, flatbed editors, an animation camera to turn still photos from the crime scene into a film and sync it with the audio he recorded; it's forensics using only the tools of the editing room. As someone who's spent some time in college editing rooms, this is a hoot and a half. Loses a bit of steam as it goes on and the film nerd stuff gives way to a more traditional thriller, but rallies for a sound-tech-centered final setpiece, which steadily builds to such madcap heights you can feel the air thinning, before oddly cutting its own tension and then trying to build it back up again. It doesn't work as well the second time. But then, that shot right after the climax? Damn. Conflicted on how the movie treats the female lead. I get why feminist film theorists are so divided on De Palma. His stuff is full of things feminists (rightly) criticize, full of women getting naked when they're not getting stabbed, but he also clearly finds women fascinating and has them do empowered and unexpected things, and there are many feminist reads of his movies. Call it a mixed bag. But even when he's doing tropey shit, he explores the tropes in unexpected ways. Definitely the best movie so far that I hadn't already seen.

Cutter's Way (rw) Alex Cutter is pitched to us as an obnoxious-but-sympathetic son of a bitch, and, you know, two out of three ain't bad. Watched this during my 2020 neo-noir kick and considered skipping it this time because I really didn't enjoy it. Found it a little more compelling this go around, while being reminded of why my feelings were room temp before. Thematically, I'm onboard: it's about a guy, Cutter, getting it in his head that he's found a murderer and needs to bring him to justice, and his friend, Bone, who intermittently helps him because he feels bad that Cutter lost his arm, leg, and eye in Nam and he also feels guilty for being in love with Cutter's wife. The question of whether the guy they're trying to bring down actually did it is intentionally undefined, and arguably unimportant; they've got personal reasons to see this through. Postmodern and noirish, fixated with the inability to ever fully know the truth of anything, but starring people so broken by society that they're desperate for certainty. (Pretty obvious parallels to Vietnam.) Cutter's a drunk and kind of an asshole, but understandably so. Bone's shiftlessness is the other response to a lack of meaning in the world, to the point where making a decision, any decision, feels like character growth, even if it's maybe killing a guy whose guilt is entirely theoretical. So, yeah, I'm down with all of this! A- in outline form. It's just that Cutter is so uninterestingly unpleasant and no one else on screen is compelling enough to make up for it. His drunken windups are tedious and his sanctimonious speeches about what the war was like are, well, true and accurate but also obviously manipulative. It's two hours with two miserable people, and I think Cutter's constant chatter is supposed to be the comic relief but it's a little too accurate to drunken rambling, which isn't funny if you're not also drunk. He's just tedious, irritating, and periodically racist. Pass.

Blood Simple (rw) I'm pretty cool on the Coens - there are things I've liked, even loved, in every Coen film I've seen, but I always come away dissatisfied. For a while, I kept going to their movies because I was sure eventually I'd love one without qualification. No Country for Old Men came close, the first two acts being master classes in sustained tension. But then the third act is all about denying closure: the protagonist is murdered offscreen, the villain's motives are never explained, and it ends with an existentialist speech about the unfathomable cruelty of the world. And it just doesn't land for me. The archness of the Coen's dialogue, the fussiness of their set design, the kinda-intimate, kinda-awkward, kinda-funny closeness of the camera's singles, it cannot sell me on a devastating meditation about meaninglessness. It's only ever sold me on the Coens' own cleverness. And that archness, that distancing, has typified every one of their movies I've come close to loving. Which is a long-ass preamble to saying, holy heck, I was not prepared for their very first movie to be the one I'd been looking for! I watched it last year and it remains true on rewatch: Blood Simple works like gangbusters. It's kind of Double Indemnity (again) but played as a comedy of errors, minus the comedy: two people romantically involved feeling their trust unravel after a murder. And I think the first thing that works for me is that utter lack of comedy. It's loaded with the Coens' trademark ironies - mostly dramatic in this case - but it's all played straight. Unlike the usual lead/femme fatale relationship, where distrust brews as the movie goes on, the audience knows the two main characters can trust each other. There are no secret duplicitous motives waiting to be revealed. The audience also know why they don't trust each other. (And it's all communicated wordlessly, btw: a character enters a scene and we know, based on the information that character has, how it looks to them and what suspicions it would arouse, even as we know the truth of it). The second thing that works is, weirdly, that the characters aren't very interesting?! Ray and Abby have almost no characterization. Outside of a general likability, they are blank slates. This is a weakness in most films, but, given the agonizingly long, wordless sequences where they dispose of bodies or hide from gunfire, you're left thinking not "what will Ray/Abby do in this scenario," because Ray and Abby are relatively elemental and undefined, but "what would I do in this scenario?" Which creates an exquisite tension but also, weirdly, creates more empathy than I feel for the Coens' usual cast of personalities. It's supposed to work the other way around! Truly enjoyable throughout but absolutely wonderful in the suspenseful-as-hell climax. Good shit right here.

Body Double The thing about erotic thrillers is everything that matters is in the name. Is it thrilling? Is it erotic? Good; all else is secondary. De Palma set out to make the most lurid, voyeuristic, horny, violent, shocking, steamy movie he could come up with, and its success was not strictly dependent on the lead's acting ability or the verisimilitude of the plot. But what are we, the modern audience, to make of it once 37 years have passed and, by today's standards, the eroticism is quite tame and the twists are no longer shocking? Then we're left with a nonsensical riff on Vertigo, a specularization of women that is very hard to justify, and lead actor made of pulped wood. De Palma's obsessions don't cohere into anything more this time; the bits stolen from Hitchcock aren't repurposed to new ends, it really is just Hitch with more tits and less brains. (I mean, I still haven't seen Vertigo, but I feel 100% confident in that statement.) The diopter shots and rear-projections this time look cheap (literally so, apparently; this had 1/3 the budget of Blow Out). There are some mildly interesting setpieces, but nothing compared to Travolta's auditory reconstructions or car chase where he tries to tail a subway train from street level even if it means driving through a frickin parade like an inverted French Connection, goddamn Blow Out was a good movie! Anyway. Melanie Griffith seems to be having fun, at least. I guess I had a little as well, but it was, at best, diverting, and a real letdown.

The Hit Surprised by how much I enjoyed this one. Terrance Stamp flips on the mob and spends ten years living a life of ease in Spain, waiting for the day they find and kill him. Movie kicks off when they do find him, and what follows is a ramshackle road movie as John Hurt and a young Tim Roth attempt to drive him to Paris so they can shoot him in front of his old boss. Stamp is magnetic. He's spent a decade reading philosophy and seems utterly prepared for death, so he spends the trip humming, philosophizing, and being friendly with his captors when he's not winding them up. It remains unclear to the end whether the discord he sews between Roth and Hurt is part of some larger plan of escape or just for shits and giggles. There's also a decent amount of plot for a movie that's not terribly plot-driven - just about every part of the kidnapping has tiny hitches the kidnappers aren't prepared for, and each has film-long repercussions, drawing the cops closer and somehow sticking Laura del Sol in their backseat. The ongoing questions are when Stamp will die, whether del Sol will die, and whether Roth will be able to pull the trigger. In the end, it's actually a meditation on ethics and mortality, but in a quiet and often funny way. It's not going to go down as one of my new favs, but it was a nice way to spend a couple hours.

Trouble in Mind (dnrw) I fucking hated this movie. It's been many months since I watched it, do I remember what I hated most? Was it the bit where a couple of country bumpkins who've come to the city walk into a diner and Mr. Bumpkin clocks that the one Black guy in the back as obviously a criminal despite never having seen him before? Was it the part where Kris Kristofferson won't stop hounding Mrs. Bumpkin no matter how many times she demands to be left alone, and it's played as romantic because obviously he knows what she needs better than she does? Or is it the part where Mr. Bumpkin reluctantly takes a job from the Obvious Criminal (who is, in fact, a criminal, and the only named Black character in the movie if I remember correctly, draw your own conclusions) and, within a week, has become a full-blown hood, which is exemplified by a lot, like, a lot of queer-coding? The answer to all three questions is yes. It's also fucking boring. Even out-of-drag Divine's performance as the villain can't save it.

Manhunter 'sfine? I've still never seen Silence of the Lambs, nor any of the Hopkins Lecter movies, nor, indeed, any full episode of the show. So the unheimlich others get seeing Brian Cox play Hannibal didn't come into play. Cox does a good job with him, but he's barely there. Shame, cuz he's the most interesting part of the movie. Honestly, there's a lot of interesting stuff that's barely there. Will Graham being a guy who gets into the heads of serial killers is explored well enough, and Mann knows how to direct a police procedural such that it's both contemplative and propulsive. But all the other themes it points at? Will's fear that he understands murderers a little too well? Hannibal trying to nudge him towards becoming one? Whatever dance Hannibal and Tooth Fairy are doing? What Tooth Fairy's deal is, anyway? (Why does he wear fake teeth and bite things? Why is he fixated on the red dragon? Does the bit where he says "Francis is gone forever" mean he has DID?) None of it goes anywhere or amounts to anything. I mean, it's certainly more interesting with this stuff than without, but it has that feel of a book that's been pared of its interesting bits to fit the runtime (or, alternately, pulp that's been sloppily elevated). I still haven't made my mind up on Mann's cold, precise camera work, but at least it gives me something to look at. It's fine! This is fine.

Mona Lisa (rw) Gave this one another shot. Bob Hoskins is wonderful as a hood out of his depth in classy places, quick to anger but just as quick to let anger go (the opening sequence where he's screaming on his ex-wife's doorstep, hurling trash cans at her house, and one minute later thrilled to see his old car, is pretty nice). And Cathy Tyson's working girl is a subtler kind of fascinating, exuding a mixture of coldness and kindness. It's just... this is ultimately a story about how heartbreaking it is when the girl you like is gay, right? It's Weezer's Pink Triangle: The Movie. It's not homophobic, exactly - Simone isn't demonized for being a lesbian - but it's still, like, "man, this straight white guy's pain is so much more interesting than the Black queer sex worker's." And when he's yelling "you woulda done it!" at the end, I can't tell if we're supposed to agree with him. Seems pretty clear that she wouldn'ta done it, at least not without there being some reveal about her character that doesn't happen, but I don't think the ending works if we don't agree with him, so... I'm like 70% sure the movie does Simone dirty there. For the first half, their growing relationship feels genuine and natural, and, honestly, the story being about a real bond that unfortunately means different things to each party could work if it didn't end with a gun and a sock in the jaw. Shape feels jagged as well; what feels like the end of the second act or so turns out to be the climax. And some of the symbolism is... well, ok, Simone gives George money to buy more appropriate clothes for hanging out in high end hotels, and he gets a tan leather jacket and a Hawaiian shirt, and their first proper bonding moment is when she takes him out for actual clothes. For the rest of the movie he is rocking double-breasted suits (not sure I agree with the striped tie, but it was the eighties, whaddya gonna do?). Then, in the second half, she sends him off looking for her old streetwalker friend, and now he looks completely out of place in the strip clubs and bordellos. So far so good. But then they have this run-in where her old pimp pulls a knife and cuts George's arm, so, with his nice shirt torn and it not safe going home (I guess?) he starts wearing the Hawaiian shirt again. So around the time he's starting to realize he doesn't really belong in Simone's world or the lowlife world he came from anymore, he's running around with the classy double-breasted suit jacket over the garish Hawaiian shirt, and, yeah, bit on the nose guys. Anyway, it has good bits, I just feel like a movie that asks me to feel for the guy punching a gay, Black woman in the face needs to work harder to earn it. Bit of wasted talent.

The Bedroom Window Starts well. Man starts an affair with his boss' wife, their first night together she witnesses an attempted murder from his window, she worries going to the police will reveal the affair to her husband, so the man reports her testimony to the cops claiming he's the one who saw it. Young Isabelle Huppert is the perfect woman for a guy to risk his career on a crush over, and Young Steve Guttenberg is the perfect balance of affability and amorality. And it flows great - picks just the right media to res. So then he's talking to the cops, telling them what she told him, and they ask questions he forgot to ask her - was the perp's jacket a blazer or a windbreaker? - and he has to guess. Then he gets called into the police lineup, and one guy matches her description really well, but is it just because he's wearing his red hair the way she described it? He can't be sure, doesn't finger any of them. He finds out the cops were pretty certain about one of the guys, so he follows the one he thinks it was around, looking for more evidence, and another girl is attacked right outside a bar he knows the redhead was at. Now he's certain! But he shows the boss' wife the guy and she's not certain, and she reminds him they don't even know if the guy he followed is the same guy the police suspected! And as he feeds more evidence to the cops, he has to lie more, because he can't exactly say he was tailing the guy around the city. So, I'm all in now. Maybe it's because I'd so recently rewatched Night Moves and Cutter's Way, but this seems like another story about uncertainty. He's really certain about the guy because it fits narratively, and we, the audience, feel the same. But he's not actually a witness, he doesn't have actual evidence, he's fitting bits and pieces together like a conspiracy theorist. He's fixating on what he wants to be true. Sign me up! But then it turns out he's 100% correct about who the killer is but his lies are found out and now the cops think he's the killer and I realize, oh, no, this movie isn't nearly as smart as I thought it was. Egg on my face! What transpires for the remaining half of the runtime is goofy as hell, and someone with shlockier sensibilities could have made a meal of it, but Hanson, despite being a Corman protege, takes this silliness seriously in the all wrong ways. Next!

Homicide (rw? I think I saw most of this on TV one time) Homicide centers around the conflicted loyalties of a Jewish cop. It opens with the Jewish cop and his white gentile partner taking over a case with a Black perp from some Black FBI agents. The media is making a big thing about the racial implications of the mostly white cops chasing down a Black man in a Black neighborhood. And inside of 15 minutes the FBI agent is calling the lead a k*ke and the gentile cop is calling the FBI agent a f****t and there's all kinds of invective for Black people. The film is announcing its intentions out the gate: this movie is about race. But the issue here is David Mamet doesn't care about race as anything other than a dramatic device. He's the Ubisoft of filmmakers, having no coherent perspective on social issues but expecting accolades for even bringing them up. Mamet is Jewish (though lead actor Joe Mantegna definitely is not) but what is his position on the Jewish diaspora? The whole deal is Mantegna gets stuck with a petty homicide case instead of the big one they just pinched from the Feds, where a Jewish candy shop owner gets shot in what looks like a stickup. Her family tries to appeal to his Jewishness to get him to take the case seriously, and, after giving them the brush-off for a long time, finally starts following through out of guilt, finding bits and pieces of what may or may not be a conspiracy, with Zionist gun runners and underground neo-Nazis. But, again: all of these are just dramatic devices. Mantegna's Jewishness (those words will never not sound ridiculous together) has always been a liability for him as a cop (we are told, not shown), and taking the case seriously is a reclamation of identity. The Jews he finds community with sold tommyguns to revolutionaries during the founding of Israel. These Jews end up blackmailing him to get a document from the evidence room. So: what is the film's position on placing stock in one's Jewish identity? What is its position on Israel? What is its opinion on Palestine? Because all three come up! And the answer is: Mamet doesn't care. You can read it a lot of different ways. Someone with more context and more patience than me could probably deduce what the de facto message is, the way Chris Franklin deduced the de facto message of Far Cry V despite the game's efforts not to have one, but I'm not going to. Mantegna's attempt to reconnect with his Jewishness gets his partner killed, gets the guy he was supposed to bring in alive shot dead, gets him possibly permanent injuries, gets him on camera blowing up a store that's a front for white nationalists, and all for nothing because the "clues" he found (pretty much exclusively by coincidence) were unconnected nothings. The problem is either his Jewishness, or his lifelong failure to connect with his Jewishness until late in life. Mamet doesn't give a shit. (Like, Mamet canonically doesn't give a shit: he is on record saying social context is meaningless, characters only exist to serve the plot, and there are no deeper meanings in fiction.) Mamet's ping-pong dialogue is fun, as always, and there are some neat ideas and characters, but it's all in service of a big nothing that needed to be a something to work.

Swoon So much I could talk about, let's keep it to the most interesting bits. Hommes Fatales: a thing about classic noir that it was fascinated by the marginal but had to keep it in the margins. Liberated women, queer-coded killers, Black jazz players, broke thieves; they were the main event, they were what audiences wanted to see, they were what made the movies fun. But the ending always had to reassert straightlaced straight, white, middle-class male society as unshakeable. White supremacist capitalist patriarchy demanded, both ideologically and via the Hays Code, that anyone outside these norms be punished, reformed, or dead by the movie's end. The only way to make them the heroes was to play their deaths for tragedy. It is unsurprising that neo-noir would take the queer-coded villains and make them the protagonists. Implicature: This is the story of Leopold and Loeb, murderers famous for being queer, and what's interesting is how the queerness in the first half exists entirely outside of language. Like, it's kind of amazing for a movie from 1992 to be this gay - we watch Nathan and Dickie kiss, undress, masturbate, fuck; hell, they wear wedding rings when they're alone together. But it's never verbalized. Sex is referred to as "your reward" or "what you wanted" or "best time." Dickie says he's going to have "the girls over," and it turns out "the girls" are a bunch of drag queens, but this is never acknowledged. Nathan at one point lists off a bunch of famous men - Oscar Wild, E.M. Forster, Frederick the Great - but, though the commonality between them is obvious (they were all gay), it's left the the audience to recognize it. When their queerness is finally verbalized in the second half, it's first in the language of pathology - a psychiatrist describing their "perversions" and "misuse" of their "organs" before the court, which has to be cleared of women because it's so inappropriate - and then with slurs from the man who murders Dickie in jail (a murder which is written off with no investigation because the victim is a gay prisoner instead of a L&L's victim, a child of a wealthy family). I don't know if I'd have noticed this if I hadn't read Chip Delany describing his experience as a gay man in the 50's existing almost entirely outside of language, the only language at the time being that of heteronormativity. Murder as Love Story: L&L exchange sex as payment for the other commiting crimes; it's foreplay. Their statements to the police where they disagree over who's to blame is a lover's quarrel. Their sentencing is a marriage. Nathan performs his own funeral rites over Dickie's body after he dies on the operating table. They are, in their way, together til death did they part. This is the relationship they can have. That it does all this without romanticizing the murder itself or valorizing L&L as humans is frankly incredible.

Suture (rw) The pitch: at the funeral for his father, wealthy Vincent Towers meets his long lost half brother Clay Arlington. It is implied Clay is a child from out of wedlock, possibly an affair; no one knows Vincent has a half-brother but him and Clay. Vincent invites Clay out to his fancy-ass home in Arizona. Thing is, Vincent is suspected (correctly) by the police of having murdered his father, and, due to a striking family resemblence, he's brought Clay to his home to fake his own death. He finagles Clay into wearing his clothes and driving his car, and then blows the car up and flees the state, leaving the cops to think him dead. Thing is, Clay survives, but with amnesia. The doctors tell him he's Vincent, and he has no reason to disagree. Any discrepancy in the way he looks is dismissed as the result of reconstructive surgery after the explosion. So Clay Arlington resumes Vincent Towers' life, without knowing Clay Arlington even exists. The twist: Clay and Vincent are both white, but Vincent is played by Michael Harris, a white actor, and Clay is played by Dennis Haysbert, a Black actor. "Ian, if there's just the two of them, how do you know it's not Harris playing a Black character?" Glad you asked! It is most explicitly obvious during a scene where Vincent/Clay's surgeon-cum-girlfriend essentially bringing up phrenology to explain how Vincent/Clay couldn't possibly have murdered his father, describing straight hair, thin lips, and a Greco-Roman nose Haysbert very clearly doesn't have. But, let's be honest: we knew well beforehand that the rich-as-fuck asshole living in a huge, modern house and living it up in Arizona high society was white. Though Clay is, canonically, white, he lives an poor and underprivileged life common to Black men in America. Though the film's title officially refers to the many stitches holding Vincent/Clay's face together after the accident, "suture" is a film theory term, referring to the way a film audience gets wrapped up - sutured - in the world of the movie, choosing to forget the outside world and pretend the story is real. The usage is ironic, because the audience cannot be sutured in; we cannot, and are not expected to, suspend our disbelief that Clay is white. We are deliberately distanced. Consequently this is a movie to be thought about, not to to be felt. It has the shape of a Hitchcockian thriller but it can't evoke the emotions of one. You can see the scaffolding - "ah, yes, this is the part of a thriller where one man hides while another stalks him with a gun, clever." I feel ill-suited to comment on what the filmmakers are saying about race. I could venture a guess about the ending, where the psychiatrist, the only one who knows the truth about Clay, says he can never truly be happy living the lie of being Vincent Towers, while we see photographs of Clay/Vincent seemingly living an extremely happy life: society says white men simply belong at the top more than Black men do, but, if the roles could be reversed, the latter would slot in seamlessly. Maybe??? Of all the movies in this collection, this is the one I'd most want to read an essay on (followed by Swoon).

The Last Seduction (dnrw) No, no, no, I am not rewataching this piece of shit movie.

Brick (rw) Here's my weird contention: Brick is in color and in widescreen, but, besides that? There's nothing neo- about this noir. There's no swearing except "hell." (I always thought Tug said "goddamn" at one point but, no, he's calling The Pin "gothed-up.") There's a lot of discussion of sex, but always through implication, and the only deleted scene is the one that removed ambiguity about what Brendan and Laura get up to after kissing. There's nothing postmodern or subversive - yes, the hook is it's set in high school, but the big twist is that it takes this very seriously. It mines it for jokes, yes, but the drama is authentic. In fact, making the gumshoe a high school student, his jadedness an obvious front, still too young to be as hard as he tries to be, just makes the drama hit harder. Sam Spade if Sam Spade were allowed to cry. I've always found it an interesting counterpoint to The Good German, a movie that fastidiously mimics the aesthetics of classic noir - down to even using period-appropriate sound recording - but is wholly neo- in construction. Brick could get approved by the Hays Code. Its vibe, its plot about a detective playing a bunch of criminals against each other, even its slang ("bulls," "yegg," "flopped") are all taken directly from Hammett. It's not even stealing from noir, it's stealing from what noir stole from! It's a perfect curtain call for the collection: the final film is both the most contemporary and the most classic. It's also - but for the strong case you could make for Night Moves - the best movie on the list. It's even more appropriate for me, personally: this was where it all started for me and noir. I saw this in theaters when it came out and loved it. It was probably my favorite movie for some time. It gave me a taste for pulpy crime movies which I only, years later, realized were neo-noir. This is why I looked into Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang and In Bruges. I've seen it more times than any film on this list, by a factor of at least 3. It's why I will always adore Rian Johnson and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. It's the best-looking half-million-dollar movie I've ever seen. (Indie filmmakers, take fucking notes.) I even did a script analysis of this, and, yes, it follows the formula, but so tightly and with so much style. Did you notice that he says several of the sequence tensions out loud? ("I just want to find her." "Show of hands.") I notice new things each time I see it - this time it was how "brushing Brendan's hair out of his face" is Em's move, making him look more like he does in the flashback, and how Laura does the same to him as she's seducing him, in the moment when he misses Em the hardest. It isn't perfect. It's recreated noir so faithfully that the Innocent Girl dies, the Femme Fatale uses intimacy as a weapon, and none of the women ever appear in a scene together. 1940's gender politics maybe don't need to be revisited. They say be critical of the media you love, and it applies here most of all: it is a real criticism of something I love immensely.

#film noir #neo-noir #criterion channel