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#anyways ive been working on this since yesterday so i wanted to finish it while my hands rested from knitting

gingkos-eldritch-secret · 8 months

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Fanfiction commentary and recommendations: The why´s and how´s and Part I of 'Lex Luthor´s ascend from supervillainy to fatherhood'

Okay, so. I know it may be weird, but bear with me for a moment: i love to comment on fics or stories like some people would a youtube video - with all the comments and snark and further ideas that entails. (though that works best in a chapter-for-chapter basis) And all the random tangents my brain will go off of. Which is why I thought: why not share my thoughts? (also thanks to the comment from @norapretzel) Since I have about 300 fics of the Phandom in my 'Please update I need more' tab folder, I wanna share just why I put them there and what makes them worth reading. (Seriously, tab groups or tab lists are the best thing ever. They have made my life so much easier. And stopped my laptop from regularly fighting for it´s life.) I don´t know how regular this will be or even if, because work and life in general. But anyways: it´s just for fun and to put something out there.

I will begin with the fanfic I am currently reading: 'Lex Luthor´s ascend from supervillainy to fatherhood' by halfagone (milkywxy) [@halfagone]

The other parts can be found here:

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

Part VI

Part VII

My most recently read chapter is chapter 35 which means: the first mini-arc as well as a few important plotpoints have been mentioned if not completely finished. I have binged those first 35 chapters sometime between late afternoon yesterday and evening today so it will not be as detailed as it would be if i only mentioned one chapter - I do apologize for that.

Anyways, here the actual commentary instead of my usual ramblings:

As for the first point. The most important point. The reason you should read this? It´s a story about family and the difference between the people who raised you and those you actually view as family. It´s about trust and that sometimes you can´t trust those you want to trust the most and that that´s okay. It´s about family by choice and that it may sometimes look or feel weird (especially if viewed from the outside). It´s also about burdens and how one handles them - how it can become unhealthy under circumstances. It´s a story about many themes and plot points and details that play together to become something more. I do hope it doesn´t sound too philosophical to be honest. But to just put it in a nutshell: 'Lex Luthor´s Ascend from supervillainy to fatherhood' is a story about family and how to overcome obstacles together.

The story begins at a gala. Or, more precisely, at a gala where Brucie Wayne (and oh, he holds onto that persona with an iron grip) and Lex Luthor (who has SOME kind of respect for the guy, even though he has his own son run the company instead of himself) are having a talk. And while we all know and love Bruce for this persona it does mean it paints him in a rather incompetent light for other people in this circle. This does not stop him from being a worried parent though. Oh no.

This man has the audacity to tell Luthor IN HIS FACE (though not in those words) that he fears him to be an (more or less accidentally) incompetent father figure. Which Danny predictably finds hilarious when Lex later tells him.

So here we see a first glimpse of the relationship between these two - a relationship that seems to have already been developing for quite some time already. It´s also here that we find out that Danny is stranded in this dimension - i do not want to say 'trapped' but in a sense it is the correct word. (all his friends, his family, everything he knows - they are are not here. He is the only one in this dimension. And even if some things are similar enough - I doubt it´s the same.)

While sad to think about, i do believe that he is making the best of his situation and he already seems to have found himself a parent figure. A parent figure that seems to actually care even. Who wants his best and won´t put their own work before the wellbeing of their child. Though we´ll only get there a little later in the story.

And personally I must say that it´s just damned funny to see the 'showdown' between Lex and Bruce go down. It´s such a stark contrast to the conversation Lex and Danny have later in the chapter that i did have to laugh quite a bit at all of the reactions both them tried to hide xD

I don´t want to sell the story short, but I also don´t want to spoil all too much, because honestly? That just takes the fun out of a story. So I´ll just summarize the next bit for a bit:

What follows are some serious and some funny conversations between Danny and several Heroes and Danny, as well as our favourite halfa and his new father figure about the nature of their relationship, his life before all of this, the nature of cloning and clones and no one has asked to be born and should not be treated any less for their parentage. Also about people being superweapons and how well (or bad) that can turn out. (And also the question: Are Lex Luthor and Superman bitter Exes? An important question I must admit. It would honestly explain so MUCH about their relationship. And even if it´s not true: i kinda want Danny asking it out loud at a press conference with Clark Kent and Lex Luthor present. That would be just hilarious xD)

And honestly? After the heartwarming talk about clones I kinda want Danny ripping Superman a new one about his behaviour with Kon. It would 1) be a very amusing thing to watch and 2) Our boy deserves a brother who will defend him from the people who have hurt him the most.

After that we get to Cass and Danny meeting and my god, those are such frankly adorable scenes that i DO NOT WANT TO SPOILER. So I´ll just ignore that whole comment in my head and just say: it´s the most adorable thing ever and i think i have diabetes after reading it. Also: I think my neighbours were about to knock on my door to ask where all that squealing came from and if i needed help because of all the running around they heard. I may or may not have run around my flat squealing like a little kid. Maybe.

What we also get to is Lex´ reaction to their meeting and it did not disappoint. He´s just such a tired dad now. Before long he´ll have talks about their children and their relationship with bruce. And both will probably be absolutely suffering during it lmao. As well as the batfamily as a whole. They don´t know what to think yet but they are already preparing the shovel talk xD

We also get to see one of the many abilities and strenghths Danny has and how he constantly holds himself as small as possible - our boy has a low self esteem and such a low opinion of his own intellect that it just physically hurts me :')

Okay so it´s quite late now - those were the first 5 chapters. Those are part commentary and part speculations and i hope it was entertaining. I did expect to get out a bit more, but my brain wants to go to sleep and and who am I to deny my brain it´s rest? Will try to at least do another 5 chapters tomorrow but I can´t promise anything ;p

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winterswhite · 1 year

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Personal rant, CW for talks of blood and medical stuff

The past 5 days have really been so much for me and it... seriously doesn't feel like only 5 days at all with how much has gone on

On Wednesday evening I got home from work feeling extremely weak after telling my QPP repeatedly that I don't feel good, and after I was no longer able to hold my head up or open my eyes without extreme effort my roommate took me to the emergency room where we waited 9ish hours for me to even be taken to a bed and then one or two more to be seen

When they did get there, they said they needed to take blood, give me an IV, do chest x-rays, and a few other tests (I think they tested me for a stroke too) because clearly a lot was wrong

The nurse tried to put the IV in my left arm and then my hand, failing both times because she couldn't find a vein. She then called over a second nurse, who said since I had already been poked twice, she wasn't going to poke me unless she was sure she had one

She left without poking me.

She called over a doctor to come with a whole ass ultrasound setup to use that to find a vein, and they only found a suitable one in my upper right arm, meaning I had to hold it up at an uncomfortable angle the entire time and because of where it was, it also hurt the entire time (only a little, but still)

They also interrupted it in the middle to take more blood ("well that can't be good")

Also, while they were putting the IV in, I remember them struggling to reach the vein, and the pain from them wiggling it around trying to reach my difficult ass vein, and then hearing "how attached are you to this sweatshirt?"

I had... bled all over it (fortunately they stopped the bleeding pretty fast, very different from my last experience with an IV where I nearly bled out on the hospital floor)

Anyway, after wanting to cry from how uncomfortable the whole experience was but eventually managing to sleep through the last half hour of it, they told me about my bloodwork, and a lot is wrong! Some of the things that have always been wrong with me, and some new things, like low thyroid and low potassium, low sodium etc

They scheduled me for a follow-up appointment in a week and I leave, it is now Thursday morning

I picked up the meds they prescribed me and got home around noon, exhausted from not having slept all night, and napped

Only to wake up to a terrible toothache out nowhere, that at its worst was so bad I couldn't lift a finger

I ran to the dentist but they were closing by the time I got there and told me to come back the next morning

I did, and they said I need an emergency root canal, but that it would be hard to find any endodontists who take my insurance, which... yeah, it proved to be impossible

So now, today, I'm scheduled for the root canal, and I have to pay for the whole $1500 out of pocket

Which I haven't reached, but... I'll have to see what I can manage now

Also, through all of this, my workplace is telling me it's "unacceptable" not to show up to work because they're short-staffed. As if I wasn't stuck in the fucking hospital. I worried about getting fired, because I need that money to pay for the fucking root canal and I hadn't even received my first paycheck, so I went in to work yesterday, but wasn't able to finish a full day of work because I felt like Shit

They still told me they need a doctor's note specifically stating that I can't work for x number of days (even though I gave them my emergency room discharge papers to prove I was unwell) before they could believe that I was actually not feeling well enough to work

So I guess I'm going to ask the fucking endodontist for one

And this cuts into my funds for my trip to take the JLPT and some other things in June, which I also really need so I can get a better job. It is absolutely necessary that I take this trip, but I'll no longer have the money for it yet, and travel costs only go up as you get closer to the date of, so lol.

Anyway. It has not even been 5 full days since I first went to the ER. I need a fucking break.

#anposting #/rant

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chumpovodir · 1 year

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uggghhhhhh covid finally got my stupid ass and its not so bad so far except that i cant seem to fall asleep at all and i got my first anxiety attack yesterday. so that was super cool and fun :^)

ive been binge-watching and finished the netflix castlevania show so i'm just gonna ramble about that for a bit to keep my mind off things.

first off i gotta say i LOVE what they did with the characterization since. yknow. the castlevania game protags are usually very very boring and one-note (at least the ones i've played. yes, my standards are that low). eng voices are good too, delivery can feel a little ehhh with some of the characters but as far as casting choice goes they hit it outta the park imo.

but woof they rly did my man hector dirty!!! which is a shame because he's one of the very few non-belmont protags and i get it they're mashing 2 different, direct prequel-sequel game timelines into a single continuity WHILE introducing original plot threads they cant ALSO make the dude beat on dracs ass after the trio does it the first time. i want to say i wish we at least got to see a duel between him and trevor like in Curse of Darkness, when he gets his ass handed to him the first time, but with everything that goes down in s3 dude would feel like even more of a punching bag. just feels a little unfair that as a protag character maining his own game he pretty much got reduced to fanservice AFTER they set him up with a bacsktory and motivation that goes past the canon-typical revenge story, while isaac got a whole character overhaul and well-thought out, complete story arc. like i wish they at least let him properly betray drac on his own terms rather than be goaded into it, i get they were trying show him as being easy to manipulate (but why tho....) or carmilla being especially manipulative. and then s3 happened and that was just a....weirdly porny mess tbh.

i know the general consensus is that the show would've been just fine if they capped it at s2, and i tend to agree but it leaves so much unsaid. idk if it would've been any better to make s3-s4 a straight adaptation of Curse of Darkness and shift the focus entirely to isaac and hector since s1-s2 was almost a straight adaptation of the prior game. i think this was definitely a case in a show where they couldve benefitted from a timeskip to make it work, while still accommodating isaacs story arc. like it wouldve also helped s4 feeling rushed af wrt the resurrection of dracula thread if it had a whole nother season to build up to it, and since that thread was straight lifted from CoD anyway.

like. i really did love the mystery-horror vibes of the lindenfeld arc but having it wedged in between the frankly unnecessary styria arc and whatever the fuck was going on with alucard was hard to get through ngl

also folks say the dialogue is cringy but i thought it was fine...? like yeah sure they started getting a little too liberal with the f-bombs towards the end but i think the dialogue that actually mattered was interesting and had alot of personality behind it, and it was fun seeing the characters play off each other.

and im saying all this perfectly aware of all the shit that went down with the show creator, which is why i waited a good whole 3 years after the fact to watch it so please dont come at me for that

#i will say this tho #s4 will never not be funny to me thinking hector played a HUGE part in the resurrecting drac thread #even if its only implied and just sorta related to his arc #and while everyone else is busy shitting themselves with the battle against the Real Big Bad as a result #this dude is just sitting plush in a castle thousands of miles away sipping wine and navel gazing over the future #completely uninvolved unaware and unbothered #when i say thats funny i mean its shit writing

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thegeminisage · 1 year

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hello Jackson the cat i hope you get a nice sunny spot!!

Celeste is very fun so far but thank fuck for the assist feature >:( i got to the hotel when i stopped playing last. the chase sequences are my enemy. only times I'm turning on invincibility. EXTREMELY delighted by the slow game speed feature and dash assist like WOW. i love games with assist features. there needs to be more. Control and Celeste are the only two coming to mind, but I've heard Hades has it as well so

my pc is fine, mildly frustrating bc i couldn't get my new mic to work with discord for a friend call 😡 i just had surgery tho so I'm trying to be gentle on myself. my sister said the nurses said as i was being wheeled out of the room i was saying "I WANT TO TALK ABOUT BLOODBORNE" so. glad to hear i was staying on brand lol

Celeste is very funny so far though. like girl. why the fuck are you climbing a mountain with no gear. GIRL WHY. WITH NO CELL PHONE EITHER??? actually I'm going to play some today i think. or maybe slime rancher.

i want to try beating bloodborne soon tho, its been a while since i played and i miss the characters. even if i want to shake some of them until their lore falls out, specifically an npc hunter named Antal who iS AN ENIGMA. WHAT IS YOUR LORE SIR. GIVE IT TO ME.

ahem. anyways. ive been wanting to get a ps5 anyways for Ratchet & Clank (hello childhood...) and for when the ps4 inevitably dies so perchance i will look into it sooner rather than later.

anywyas off to coffee and some Celeste!!

- dl anon

THE HOTEL LEVEL MY BEHATED. that's actually the level that made me put the game down initially! i had to turn assists on to beat it but i don't like how the game went "yeah but it's SUPPOSED" to be hard so i quit out of shame. i had to come back later w/o assists and i finally did it by...ignoring all the strawberries from that point onward. (weirdly, now it's one of my favorite levels - definitely some of my fav music in a soundtrack that already fucks.) even then, i just barely made it to the end of the game, and i'm still stuck on the dlc levels 😭 maybe i'll turn on assists for those...celeste is absolutely batshit but i love her. i wish i could climb a magic mountain with no cellphone and live to tell the tale!!!!!

also wait i have slime rancher on my wishlist is it good. what do you Do. is it online multiplayer bc idk if im ready for all of that. also i BOUGHT HADES i bought it for 2 reasons. 1. my brother recced 2. my favorite dragon age fanfic writer moved to writing hades fic and i wanna get in on that. i haven't started it yet though my backlog of games is sooo long rn. i finished superliminal yesterday and tried to do the lake but our power blinked and corrupted my saves and idw start over so maybe i'll just get a refund :(

i hope your surgery went well and that you are recovering and i am sooo glad you are staying on brand even while drugged. the last time i had dental surgery i apparently talked about castiel for half of the ride home. embarrassing :/

#liz answers asks #anonymous #dl anon #jackson says hello back he is laying as close as physically possible to the radiator

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tera-91 · 26 days

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More word salad

I know I just posted today, maybe yesterday depending on when I decide to post this. I was torn. What should I do with my time? If the last several days were any hint I probably wouldn’t be getting to sleep anytime soon.

I could be productive. I could go to my computer to do one of many things.

I could edit my youtube videos. But Im stuck. The video Im working on got a little garbled. The video is there but the audio is either lost or im not sure where it goes as I recorded it in several sessions. Unfortunately, I cant scrap it as it is part of a series and the remaining videos I recorded follow that. Should I just skip it for now and at least get the follow up videos edited?

I don’t really want to do that as I just spent im not sure how long. At least a few hours recording more of the series today. Im a bit spent on the topic.

I could go to my computer to work on another project but that would require talking. There is so much background noise as I live with other people. It wont work. Or at least I feel like it wont. That and I don’t really feel like talking in general. Its times like this that I wish I lived alone. I could make sure there was no background noise. Or at least no one would ask me why Im up at 3 in the morning talking to myself.

I could go to my computer to write. Which I am doing that but I mean should probably work on scripts. I want to do other content than what Im doing now and it would require scripts. Ive done it before but it takes so long to write, check over the script, record it, edit the audio as sometimes its takes a few tries at a line and then edit the video. If I did that I would only release a video every month, maybe every other month. Which doesn’t work for building a channel.

I could write a story. But what kind of story? I feel like I haven’t watch sanders sides in such a long time. Or at least I feel like I have lost touch with how I feel the characters personalities are like. Same thing about the ninja turtles. Its been forever and a day since I watched any of the series. Or the movies. It makes me want to just go on my phone and go down a rabbit hole of watching those things over again to get a feel of the personalities. But do I want to do that? I want to get off of just watching endless videos and get productive. Or do I write it anyway? I remember seeing stories before where the author puts ooc for a particular character. Specifically saying that the character is written in a way that is not how they are written canonically. Maybe I should just do that.

I might do that after I finish writing this. Hey at least over 500 words is a start at something. Even if it is just a word salad of a map in my brain. A map that has been ripped to pieces and somehow transferred to there pieces of paper so some things are inverted and one is trying to put it back together. Probably by the time I am done with this it will be nearly 800 words. A thousand if I am lucky. Something to get my brain started. I loved writing out quick stories thinking they would just be 800 words or less and then they turned into 1500, 2000, sometimes even over 3000 words.

I read nearly all the stories I posted on here today while I had to wait for something. It was as if those words didn’t come from me. Like I wasn’t the writer and I was reading the story for the first time. Im not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Like I remember writing them, the titles familiar and all but its like I cant believe I wrote them. I don’t know where they came from. But the mild EMBARASSMENT I felt. Maybe its not embarrassment. Im not completely sure of the word but I felt I guess like I shouldn’t be reading them in public even though theres nothing bad or risqué in them. Although some spelling mistakes I realized while reading them were completely embarrassing. But the fluffiness of what I would write. I have no idea where that came from or how to get back to it. It almost made me feel sad. Or maybe disappointed too. The amount of time that has passed. Seeing comments of people wanting to be tagged in a story. I feel like I let them down because I didn’t continue with it. If I continued with it or even started it over and tagged them would they still be interested?

Wow writing that all down makes it sound like I am so sad or depressed. Hell I might be a little depressed. Mostly just disappointed maybe of where I am. A little frustration to. Feeling like my hands are figuratively tied. Wanting something so bad while not wanting it at the same time. Like Im self sabatoging myself while still wishing I had something that I currently don’t. But I swear I am not in the sense that Ive dealt with a time before that was worse than this. I mean literally depressed that I didn’t take a shower but once a week, just went to school and didn’t do nothing else with my days but do homework and laid in my bed. I just feel that if I don’t write this and post it I haven’t done anything. I haven’t started anything. These posts are nothing but pebbles to be moved out of the way so that larger mind boulders can be set free. To open a flood of stories and motivation that I know I have. I feel like I have lost my place but I want to get it back. I want to get myself in a better situation. Don’t get me wrong my situation is not bad I know people have it worse. I just want it to be what is better for me. I have been off and on writing a book for a long time. Longer than I want to admit. I met an author last year. I was lucky to ask for advise and get an answer. He said that I need to bury that book. Write a million words. Come back to that book a better writer. Im not sure how many words my other post was but this post will be atleast another 1000+ words towards that one million. Stream of consciousness writing to figure things out.

Well, I hope everyone had a good April 1! It is so hard to believe that it is April already. Pretty soon it will be my favorite time of year. Here comes the spooky season and no one can tamp down my excitement for what is to come in the fall. If I could I would live where there is perpetual fall weather. Halloween town if it was a physical place I could live. Play almost nothing but spooky season movies and tv shows. Oh you best believe that Lisa Frankenstein is a current fixation of mine. As soon as that comes out on DVD I will have my hands on it so fast and it will be on repeat for DAYS. I will probably watch it the first oh 10 times it plays and about every third time after that at least until Beetlejuice Beetlejuice comes out.

#tera-91 #sanders sides #tmnt #writing #rant #rant post #vent post #venting #blog #thoughts #feelings #inner thoughts #stream of consciousness

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bookwyrminspiration · 4 months

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You are like a book character thats just. Yeah what did i expect from a name like that bnfjfjfjf

Yo on the reading tho!?? I feel the revitalized pjo interest im staring at my pjo books like. Soon soon i will get to u (THO IM MISSING A FEW OF THEM AND I DONT KNOW WHERE THEYVE GONE. THEYVE BEEN STOLEN I SWEAR) i actually have been trying to read actual books again and!!! I finished one finally!!! Only took me like a month bmgkfkfk i finished call down the hawk and my local library is ab to murder me for how long ive had it-

Dude okay so i work at a movie theater right and ive wanted to see boy and the heron so badly ive just been so busy im staring at it and like ten other movies like pls i need free time. Other than that i got baldurs gate 3 and have been wandering through a world download for a minecraft series i like. And im once again cursed by my inability to finish fics so my solution is write all of it then post and now i have like two 15k wips just sitting in my notes app ive been trying to finish for like two years T-T

I've read so many books I've started to become them, and honestly? There are worst fates. I think I'd make a good like...wise character. Like the one the main character goes to when they have a question and I pull on information I don't explain how I got and set them on their quest or something. Or they discover a cursed magic item and they're like, well Quil probably knows something useful. And then I do.

Anyway! Congrats on the reading! I actually did so much reading, writing, and drawing the past week that I gave myself a headache three days in a row. Like I legit had to just sit for an hour yesterday doing nothing. I've been meaning to read Call Down the Hawk since it came out--I actually started it back then, but for some reason I only got to the part right after the crabs(?) in the dorm where Ronan gets kicked out, and then cries(?) in the garden(?). But I fully intend to return to it, I love the world of trc. And Ronan's my favorite. so.

and the pjo thing!! i've been blasting through them at the rate of about one a day just like oh my god I forgot how much I loved these. the writing style is just so fun. currently half-way through mark of athena, but I had to stop because I do this thing every year where the first book I read is a twilight book for shits and giggles, so I gotta finish life and death before I go back to it (i'm already about 3/4ths of the way done so not a huge detour).

Oh right the boy and the heron! I forgot I mentioned that--I saw it yesterday! I'll admit it did contribute to my headache, because big bright screen in a dark room is...not great. my laptop gives me headaches sometimes, but anyway. I don't think it's my favorite ghibli film, but it had a draw to it. it's quite beautiful, and it's thought provoking in its way. very ghibli-esque.

bg3!! I haven't played myself (doesn't seem my kind of game), but I will admit I did have a few moments of just being enraptured by astarion. which is so cliche of me, but what can I say? his dialogue was funny.

good luck with all of your fics though--I've got a handful that are just waiting to be edited before I post them. but the wings au and then gift exchanges took precedent, so they've been sitting a while. but! those are over now! so I plan to edit and finally post them soon. I've also got this kotlc book 1 but from fitz's pov project in the works I'm very excited to return to :)

anyway, it is very nice to hear from you tater!! giving you the biggest high five rn o7 spicy gatorade or something

#quil's queries #a-lonely-tatertot #long post #fun fact life and death is like the only twiIight book I haven't fully read before #i've read the ending but that's it #it's nearly identical (except for the ending). it's just a genderbend #and it is. wow it's an experience #though it did affirm my gender a little out of nowhere???#one of the minor characters is named quil. and this new she/her quil is the only one who's name stayed identical #everyone else their pronouns and name changed to something else starting with the same letter #but not quil #so. name so gender neutral even smeyer acknowledges it #although there are fewer q names in the first place. but there are others. like quinn #anyway

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raincamp · 8 months

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08 18 2023

endings take forever sometimes.

i used to think of ending as one event. it happens and then its over. the end of a movie, the last minute before credits roll. the end of a relationship, the goodbye before never seeing each other again. the end of a life, the last breath before organs fail.

what i've learned recently is that endings creep up a long, long time before they make their move.

i've experienced several recently, what with me moving away from everything i've built here in the past 19 years. it seems to be a theme in my life right now.

i had my last session with Olivia, my favorite person, my therapist, yesterday. i needed some time to process it (and also sleep for like 11 hours) before i could journal about it. i still havent cried, but i want to so, so badly.

i think part of the issue is that i have already cried about it, i grieved it before it even happened. i felt it coming months before it did. and i cried believing everything was over. and i had to sit and wait for it to finally end, knowing that it was happening, and it was torturous.

i regret not preparing for the session more, though. there's so many things i wish i could've told her. sentiments like "you're so fucking good at your job and i want you to know that" and "you were the best thing that happened to me when i was sitting with the worst" and "i love you".

i had so many questions i wish i could've had time to ask her, about how she sees me, how she thinks i improved, what she hopes i work on in the future, whether or not she enjoyed working with me, whether or not she'll miss me.

and most of all i wanted to apologize. i just feel so much guilt and i have to carry it with me without getting to resolve it now. i did hurt her, i mean, i have BPD and i didn't hold anything back. i would manipulate situations to get desired outcomes, i would play games with her, say things so she would react how i wanted her to.

sure, its her job as my therapist to take it and not take it personally and turn it into a way to help me, but still, we had a relationship— a professional one albeit— but shit can still hurt. she has feelings.

she said i could email her once in a while, if something big happens in my life that i want to celebrate with her. so, at least she won't be completely dead to me.

i want to finish the therapy fic i was writing based on her so i can send it to her.

on another note, i also attended IFS therapy yesterday too, which is why i was so exhausted. it was my first time trying to communicate with my parts, and it was a really new experience. i found it immensely interesting though!

i predict its going to be difficult though. i as my self, dont trust this therapist fully yet so i know that there's going to be a lot of resistance from protectors. what am i saying? there already has been.

i discovered 3 parts today, i dont think im ready to talk about all of them here but one of them is a dissociating part that is essentially gatekeeping me from accessing anything, and refuses to step away once it shows up or explain its reasoning in any way.

its gonna be really challenging to work with it, since its entire job is to stop me from talking to other parts, and also since it wont talk to me, and also since ive spent all of my time pushing it away/exiling it (especially in therapy) because i fucking hate dissociating.

i hate endings but im going to have to end this now anyway. at least you've been prepared at least 5 paragraphs since. im still deciding.

- andrew

#actually bpd #bpd #im not mentally stable #actually mentally ill #borderline #bpd struggles #bpd stuff #mental illness #borderline personality disorder #tumblr diary

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technowoah · 3 years

Note

if you're taking asks for the prompts, can you do 11 and 17 from the angst list with george but have a fluffy ending? she/her pronouns pls

I Can Make It Right

SHSJS I HAVE SO MUCH ANGST IN MY INBOX YALL!

Thanks for the request babe! The way it came out was gender neutral i dont think I user she/her, but it still works trust me!

George x reader imagine (established)

11) "It's not important apparently"

17) "You already made me feel like shit so might as well finish me off"

⚠︎ angst with happy ending, unresolved issue but they're gonna fix it dont worry 😌, angry George, swearing

*** = flashback

Masterlist

You had stood infront of your bathroom mirror finishing up your makeup for the night. Your hair was already done and you had a nice outfit on, not to fancy and not too comfortable. While listening to a playlist George had made for you, you had put down the brushes you were using. It didnt really matter if you cleaned up your makeup that was littered all over the sink right now, but right now you were feeling good.

Today was your and George's 3rd year anniversary and you couldn't be happier about it. Today you two were going to dinner and doing something else which was supposed to be a surprise for you. It was a night on the town.

George and you met 4 years ago actually. You two started out as acquaintances, the slowly grew into friends and then one day he asked you to join him to dinner. At first you were oblivious to his actions, thinking he was just being a good friend, but turns out the more dates you two went on the more you caught on. He officially asked you to be his girlfriend 3 years ago today.

His friends keep on pressuring George to propose already, they think it's been long enough. The only thing close to marriage is a promise ring. He put the ring on your finger as a promise that one day he would marry you, everytime you doubt that he will propose you turn your attention to the cute ring on your finger.

You had turned off the bedroom lights and sat on your bed finally relaxing after struggling to find a decent enough outfit for tonight. George said that he was going to pick you up around 6:00 and now it is 5:47 so you had some time to spare.

You had found yourself scrolling through tiktok because you had nothing else better to do at this moment. It was a guilty pleasure of yours even though you and george both joked around about hating tiktok.

Time began to tick away so you had checked the clock on your phone which said 5:57 pm. You had grabbed shoes that you set up against your bed, slipped them on and grabbed all of your belongings for the night. You stationed yourself in the living room waiting till George came to the door.

Nervousness always came up before a date, it was the anticipation actually. You were excited and nervous about the date as you always were, but today for you was special. It was three years worth of beautiful love. You remembered the time he first said I love you too, it was just like it was yesterday.

***

"Hey y/n." George looked towards you. You both were sitting on a plaid, plush blanket with a brown woven basket ontop in between you two. It was just like the movies and that why you cringed because of how cheesy it was when George led you to it.

It was sweet, it was extremely sweet and you loved these dates that George always brung you too. You always felt special when you are sitting next to him.

You responded to George. "Yeah Gogy?" You laughed at the use of his nickname.

"Im trying to be serious right now and you call me Gogy." George smiled and shook his head. "Anyways, you know I love you, right?"

"Of course I do-"

"No I love you. I mean. I'm in love with you." George reached to rest his hand ontop of yours and repeated himself. "I'm in live with you y/n."

You wasted no time answering. "Im in love with you too."

***

6:03

George didnt show up yet, but there was no sweat. He was only 3 minutes late, maybe he ran into traffick. Your stomach was rumbling, but you didnt want to eat yet since you two we're planning to go to dinner. Patience is key, and it wasnt like he wasn't late before.

6:10

You started to get worried, it's been 10 minutes and still no sign of your boyfriend. You had gotton up several times to check outside of your door only to be met with no one. Your mind was jumping to conclusions about if he forgot your anniversary, but you shut those thoughts out for the time being.

6:19

Okay this is getting out of hand. You brung out our phone and began to text George, you couldn't believe that you had waited this long before texting the man.

Where are you? Ive been waiting for 29 minutes?!

[Sent: 6:20pm]

George what are you doing?

[Sent: 6:20pm]

You awaited his text message with your phone faced up on the coffee table infront of you. You didn't want to believe that George woukd forget, or overslept, but that was becoming truth the more minutes passed by with no call or text.

6:30

Calling him was useless, because he didn't answer. He didn't hang up on you he just wasn't picking up the phone, like he turned it off. You started to get worried if something happened to him, if he was in a situation where he couldn't call or text you. You wondered if he was safe at home and not out in the middle of the street.

In a flash all your worries subsided when your phone lit up with a notification.

ThisIsNotGeorgeNotFound is live:

Im Playing golf with my friends

That son of a bitch. Pissed off was an understatement, you were fuming. How could he end up streaming at home when you had constantly reminded him about this day, he knew damn well about this day too. How could he?

You ended up grabbing a jacket and your purse and ended up driving to George's place. It seemed like he was mocking you in a way, he knew you had notifications on for Twitch. You loved to support him and his career, but this was making a fool out of yourself.

Your hand tightly gripped the steering wheel as you tried not to run every red light you cane across. You finally came across George's home, you found a place to park and quickly got out of your car and sped walked your way to George's residence. Finally making up to George's door you knocked harshly on the door probably making more noise than what you intended too. You continuously banged on his door until you got fed up.

Remembering that George had given you a key to his house you dig through your purse to get your set of keys out anr unlock his door. You stomped inside his house and closed the door behind you.

"GEORGE! GEORGE!" You yelled through the house. You were being reckless and annoying, but you didnt care at this point you were fuming and needed to tell George how you feel.

You had made your way to George's recording room where he was talking to his friends on discord. George looked towards you in shock clearly not hearing the sounds you were making throughout his house.

"Y/N?!" George yelled and muted his microphone.

"What the hell are you doing?" You exclaimed back.

"Im streaming thats what Im doing!" George sassed back at you, not paying attention to his screen and the chat.

"Dont get smart with me. End the stream."

"What?! No!"

"You heard me, we need to talk." You crossed your arms across your chest. Your heart was beating too fast for your liking and you tried to calm yourself down, but George's comments were getting to you.

George was about to unmute himself and get back to the game. "No we dont-"

"GEORGE END THE FUCKING STREAM! This is embarrassing! Talk to me cause you have some explaining to do." You snapped at him.

A silence tell upon you two and he glared at you before turning to his stream and closing it out.

"Okay guys! Go watch the other boys streams I need to go now! Bye!" George quickly ended and turned off everything.

He turned around to you still sitting in his chair. "What? What do you want?"

"Do you know what today is?" You asked.

"April 30th." George answered bluntly.

"Thats all you have to say?" You asked in shock. "It's our anniversary dickhead!"

"I fucking know that." George said.

"You do? So why did you start streaming and we had dinner plans?!"

"I told you we were streaming! You weren't listening to me!" George stood up from his chair when he said that.

"When the fuck did you tell me this?!"

"A couple days ago! You didn't listen!"

"But you knew that was our anniversary! And we made dinnerr plans-"

George yelled over you. "A month ago! We made those plans a month ago so excuse me for forgetting!"

"So all these other years you remembered our anniversary and went out of your fucking way to cancel other plans around that date, but today you didnt because why?!" Tears were threatening to fall down you cheeks, but you wouldnt let him see you like that.

"Because I planned this already with the boys! And AGAIN you werent listening to me when I said that-"

"There were several other times that you could've told me too! But you didn't!" You sniffed trying to keep the frustrated tears inside.

"I already planned this and I cant go back on my promise-"

"But you can with me?!" You yelled and George stopped talking. He's just studying your face at this point and you hated this silence.

"Its not important apparently." You said while walking out of the recording room.

"You're being a bitch." He mumbled.

"Excuse me?! That is so disrespectful!" You spun around yelled at him.

"You already made me feel like shit so might as well finish me off." George said in a annoying tone.

"Yeah you should feel like shit! I feel like shit too so-!" You threw your hands up in exasperation and stormed out the room. You had made it to the door before George called out to you again.

"Y/n! Y/n! Please!"

"No! Just..." You paused before opening the door and ushering your way out. "Call me when you get your shit together.

You were currently curled up on your couch eating leftovers that you had in the refrigerator. That had satisfied your hunger for the night because the dinner was canceled that night. Your anger and sadness had subsided and you were only left with an unusual feeling in your heart. Your relationship felt incomplete, this fight felt incomplete. You didnt break up with him, but you were waiting for closure.

The TV was the only light in the room. It illuminated what it wanted to, you didnt care if it was too dark. Usually you would be cuddled up with George at this ungoldy hour, but you weren't and that made you tear up.

Your sadness was still there, your anger towards George turned into pity. You were sad about the actions he took, but somewhere in your heart you could forgive him. You could forgive and move on if he would come to you.

Speaking of, you had a knock on your door. You didn't have the strength to get up, but you did. Shuffling your way to the door you sluggishly opened it to find George standing there with his hands in his hoodie. The person you wanted to see, but at the same time you wanted to slam that door in his face.

"Hey." George spoke and you gave him a small smile, nothing more.

You turned around to find your seat back on the couch where you were comfortable, but also giving him a silent invitation to come inside. You had sat down on the couch not paying attention to George, but you knew he closed the door, took off his shoes by yours, and put his keys on the table by the door like he always did. It was like a routine to him.

George ended up awkwardly standing beside the couch as you ignored him.

"You know, if you didnt open the door I would've used my keys like you did." George tried to spark up a conversation, but you only hummed in response. You were scared that if you spoke, you would cry.

George ended up making his way to the couch sitting beside you and pulling you into his embrace. Your head was on his chest and you began to sob. You missed this it's only been a few hours, but you had felt that in those few hours you had lost everything. You continued to sob into his hoodie as he rubbed your back and shushed you, whispering sweet nothings into the air only for you to hear.

"Im here, and Im sorry. Im so fucking sorry that I did this to you and I only hope that you can forgive me." George said, his voice cracking a little when he said that. You kept crying.

That's what you wanted to hear all along, that's what you needed. You could forgive him in due time, you always will because you love him, you will always love him. You both can always make it right.

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shyshitter · 3 years

Text

yea so i wrote a ficlet for this post bc i couldn’t stop thinking about it. also this really went off the rails bc it has been a phat second since ive written anything so enjoy i guess

Abigail likes Jack Kline. He’s quiet and sweet and doesn’t ask questions when she sometimes doesn’t bring lunch; he just subtly slides over his apple and chips with a smile. Sure, he’s a little odd sometimes (like how he talks like a thesaurus or says hi to everyone in the hallways) but she doesn’t believe he deserves the way the other kids make fun of him behind his back. They whisper about his mysterious and sudden appearance, how he’s been picked up after school by three different men, and his odd fascination with religion. He’s not like the other christian kids who are always trying to recruit kids for their church; he just--really likes Jesus and talks about Him like he knows Him personally.

“My dad saved humanity,” he says constantly. “He’s died a few times but it’s never stuck. The most recent time was by nail but that was a misunderstanding.”

So he’s an odd kid and Abby knows it but she just doesn’t care. Her friends have accepted this but even they are still confused by Jack’s odd behavior. Her friend Martha has history with him and talks about him all the time.

“For the heritage project, he said his mother is dead and his father a son of God so he doesn’t have any ancestors to write about,” she says one day at lunch. “I think he thinks his biological father is Jesus Christ.”

It takes a while but Abby finally works up the courage to ask him about it. Jack’s in the middle of a story about how his dad was healing someone when she interrupts him.

“Do you think your dad is Jesus?”

Jack frowns and tilts his head in confusion. “No Jesus is my cousin. My father hates him but my da doesn’t really care about him.”

Jack has two dads?

“You have two dads?” she asks.

He pauses to think. “Technically I have four dads but my real father was killed by three of them because he was trying to take me to space.”

Abby’s head spins. “Your dads are murderers?”

“No, they’re hunters.”

“But you just said they killed your real father.”

Jack frowns again. “Yeah but my real father was the devil.”

Abby remembers a girl she met at camp who said the same thing about her dad. She later learned that the girl was taken by CPS and her father went to prison. Suddenly, images of Jack alone and scared in a group home flood her mind and she grabs his arm in alarm.

“Are you safe?” she asks desperately.

He just smiles and pats her arm. “Of course; he’s dead now.”

She shakes her head. “I mean are you safe with your dads now?”

His eyes light up like they always do when he talks about his family. “Of course! My dad was prophesied to save humanity and has, my da is an angel, and my pa is the leader of an army of hunters so I’m in good hands.”

By the time Abby’s processed this comment, Jack has already moved on to his favorite types of cars and the conversation is over.

She forgets about Jack’s crazy family situation until Spring Formal. Abby and her friends are standing in line for the photo booth when she sees Jack across the gym with a beautiful girl on his arm, both of them talking to a giant man with floppy brown hair. Without explaining, she leaves her friends to walk over and gets a better look at the three of them. The girl has long curly blonde hair that bounces when she laughs but her eyes are sharp and harsh, constantly scanning the room as if looking for threats. The man is wearing a white button-down with blue jeans and just smiles warmly as Jack talks animatedly to him. The man spots her as she approaches and for a moment, the warmth in his eyes is replaced by cold suspicion but as soon as Jack notices her and smiles, the man relaxes.

“Abby, this is my pa,” Jack says with a grin.

Jack’s ‘pa’ offers a hand and Abby shakes it. “Sam,” he says politely. “Jack talks about you a lot.”

“Yeah,” the girl cuts in. “I was wondering when I was gonna meet you.” Her eyes trail up and down Abby’s body distrustfully. “This punk never shuts up about you.”

Jack just keeps smiling. “This is my sister Claire,” he introduces. “She’s in college!”

Overwhelmed by the introductions, Abby just smiles and offers her hand to Claire as well. “It’s nice to meet you,” she says, relieved when Claire accepts the handshake.

“Have you met Dean and Cas yet?” Claire asks. “You’re not officially accepted by the family until Dean okayes you.”

Sam swats a scolding hand over Claire’s head. “Don’t scare her--my brother isn’t that bad.” He looks back at Abby with a smile. “Don’t let my niece worry you, Dean and Cas are gonna love you.”

Trying to do mental gymnastics in her head, Abby attempts to figure out how Sam is both Jack’s dad and Claire’s uncle while Jack and Claire are siblings. Dean and Cas are the other two fathers who killed Jack’s real dad and apparently Dean is also Sam’s brother.

She doesn’t finish her thought process before Jack is dragging Abby across the gym, leaving Sam and Claire.

“Dad, da,” he calls out over the music.

Abby tries to spot who responds to Jack’s call and notices two more giant men by the food table look up from their conversation. They’re even more intimidating than Sam and Claire. The taller man has broad shoulders and hard eyes like Claire and despite this being a formal dance, he’s wearing a green canvas jacket and jeans with holes in the knees. The shorter man is a tad more formal with his too-big suit and tan overcoat but he watches them approach with a blank face which is almost more threatening than the hostile look the other man has.

“Da, dad, this is my friend Abby,” Jack says as soon as they’re in earshot.

The taller man looks her up and down like Claire did earlier before nodding shortly. “Nice to finally put a face to the name,” he says gruffly. His voice is rough and low but not unkind so Abby relaxes slightly.

The other man smiles and it suits him much more than the blank look did. “It’s lovely to meet you, Abigail,” he says and holy shit his voice is even lower and gravilier than the other guy’s. “Jack speaks very highly of you.”

“Yeah, thanks to you he listens to shitty music,” the taller man gripes but Abby can tell it’s more teasing than genuinely upset.

“Dean,” the other man scolds as he nudges him. “Megan Thee Stallion is not shitty music.”

If the taller man is Dean, the other is Cas and as Abby watches them, she can see the resemblance between Dean and Sam in their sharp jaws and teasing smiles.

She turns to Jack. “You listen to Megan Thee Stallion?”

Jack nods excitedly. “You were humming her songs in English and I liked it.”

Cas leans in to Abby. “I’ve been trying to get him to branch out from 70s rock for ages but he never wanted to disappoint Dean so thank you for helping him.”

Abby nods, dazed. “Are you Jesus?” she blurts after failing to come up with a response.

Dean barks out a loud laugh and doesn’t stop until Cas swats him. Once Dean settles, Cas turns back to Abby with an embarrassed smile.

“That’s very flattering,” he says, “but no. I am simply Castiel. If anything, Dean shares more in common with the Messiah than I do.”

Instead of elaborating, Dean just snorts and humbly shakes his head. “Babe, we’ve talked about this--”

But before he can finish, Cha Cha Slide blasts through the speakers and the gym falls into pandemonium as all the students rush to the dance floor. Jack, confused but excited, grabs Abby’s hand and drags her over to join in, leaving Dean and Cas for the rest of the night.

Abby doesn’t consider herself a selfish person but even she has never thought so much about another person’s life than Jack’s. Her confusion keeps her up and night and prevents her from being fully present whenever she talks to Jack. She’s tried talking to her friends about it but even they have moved on from the enigma that is Jack Kline.

One month after the formal--after she met Jack’s family--she finally snaps. She’s at lunch with him in a cafe downtown and he’s telling her about how his brother Kevin is visiting from college and is teaching Jack how to talk to angels.

“What the fuck is wrong with your family,” she interrupts.

Jack stops talking and tilts his head in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“You said you have four dads and one of them was murdered by the other three. Dean and Sam are brothers and Dean is with Cas. Claire is your sister but Sam is her uncle and your brother has a mom but none of you are related to her.” She takes a deep breath before continuing. “You keep saying your dads saved the world and that they’ve died and come back. You said one of your dads was an angel and now your brother is teaching you how to talk to angels? Are you lying or are you just plain crazy?”

After the last sentence slips from her lips, she gasps and a cold dread fills her. Jack just stares, shocked at the outburst.

“You think I’m crazy?” he asked softly.

Abby feels a lump in her throat form. “No, no, no,” she babbles, “I didn’t mean that. I’m just confused that’s all.”

Jack brightens. “That’s ok, life is confusing. Anyways, I tried shawarma for the first time yesterday--like in the superhero movie!”

Abby sighs and let’s Jack rant about shawarma, resigned to the fact that she’ll never get a straight answer from this confounding boy and his unnatural family.

#jack calls sam pa!!!#also i included kevin bc fuck spn kevin lives #this is not a self-insert btw #i just wanted an outside pov #tw abuse #tw dean's death #tw poverty #ficlet #spn #spn fanfiction #ava rambles #fics #fic rec

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theasstour · 4 years

Photo

𝐅𝐈𝐂 𝐏𝐀𝐆𝐄 | 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐓: 𝟏𝟑.𝟒𝐤 𝐍𝐁: 𝐚𝐥𝐜𝐨𝐡𝐨𝐥, 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐭 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐠𝐞

A/N: Thank you to the lovelies who nominated Strange Tides, Baby Blue, and moi for the 1D Craft Awards 🌊🐚 If you have the time and feel like spreading some love, go vote for your fave fics and authors here ✨ ENJOYYY CHAPTER 5! x

Tuesday, 7 July

“I’d say you’re doing quite alright for someone who has just gotten into knitting,” Bessie said, looking at Y/N’s creation over the rim of her glasses. “What technique did your mother teach you again, sweets? ‘Cause you’re a natural.”

“Oh, I dunno,” Y/N answered honestly, taking her blue square back. “Are there different types of knitting styles?”

Bessie’s laugh was warm and joyous, looking out at Camila, Florence, and Barb, who smiled at Y/N. Though Y/N had been scared of being judged by these women for not knowing how to properly knit at first, there was nothing but kindness and appreciation in their eyes. It seemed they really were just happy to see the beginning of Y/N’s knitting journey. They had all been beyond helpful, taking their time and being patient with her as she learned the ins and outs of knitting. She was still not sure what she was making, but she was knitting a bunch of squares to start off, and she would see where to go from there.

“So,” Florence said, turning her attention back on the knitting in front of her. “What do you think of St Ives thus far, Y/N? Is it living up to your expectations?”

“You’ve been here a month now,” Bessie said, shaking her head as if she couldn’t quite believe it. And Y/N couldn’t believe it herself. Time had flown by so incredibly fast it did not seem quite real. It seemed like only yesterday she had checked in here and met Bessie, or when she ran into Harry and started their little thing. It just did not seem real that time had gone by this fast. In a month’s time, summer would almost be over and she would have to start thinking about checking out and finding out what to do next. Going back home to Winchester was out of the question, but she didn’t really have anywhere else to go.

Y/N took a deep breath, telling herself not to think about that now. Debating what to do after she checked out of The Roaming Crab Inn could be done at another time, not while she was knitting with four lovely ladies. For someone who had lived her whole life with a plan laid out for her near and far future, Y/N was awfully relaxed about the prospect of the chapter of her life that would start once she left St Ives in August.

“I love it here,” she answered truthfully, finding some red yarn so she could start knitting a red square. “I’ve met so many people while staying here, it’s been amazing.”

“It’s been fun to meet Harry’s family as well,” Barb said. “If your name comes up in conversation when we’re at the chess club, Jessa won’t shut up. She’s so proud Harry’s dating such a lovely lady.”

Y/N felt her cheeks heat up, both because she took pride in that compliment but also because she knew Jessa wouldn’t think of her like that when she and Harry “broke up” later.

“Speaking of people you’ve met, my son tells me you went to the pub with him, Harry, and their little group.” Florence looked at Y/N, smiling. “Did he invite you to his birthday this Saturday?”

“Yeah, Harry told me we were invited,” Y/N said.

“Dax and Harry have been close ever since Harry came to St Ives. He even slept at the lighthouse for close to a month after Harry’s father got lost at sea.”

Y/N stopped knitting. When she looked over at Florence again, the older woman was already knitting so she didn’t notice Y/N’s sudden interest. She looked over at Bessie who only gave Y/N a nod as to confirm what Florence had just said, and in that second Y/N was very happy Bessie knew her and Harry’s relationship was only pretend.

“The day they found the empty boat was absolutely horrible. All of St Ives in mourning. Remember it like it was yesterday,” Camila went on, sighing dramatically. “Devastating time.”

“Let’s not talk about that,” Bessie chimed in. “It is such a sad time to reminisce about.”

“Yes, no reason we should think about such things,” Barb went on. “I’m sure it’s a touchy subject for Y/N as well, seeing as Harry is so close to her.”

Y/N focused entirely on her knitting, not really wanting to say anything in regards to Harry’s dad. She knew he died, but she hadn’t really questioned how that happened. For some reason, Y/N had assumed he had been sick, but knowing something happened to Harry’s dad while he was at sea… she didn’t know how to feel. Was it worse to have a loved one be sick and know the end was inevitable and close, or to have them ripped suddenly and unexpectedly out of your life?

“I’m sorry for bringing the mood down, girls,” Florence said, letting a bright laugh escape her lips. “Maybe we need some tea to brighten up our mood some?”

“I think that’s a splendid idea,” Bessie said, getting up from her seat. “Y/N, dear, would you give me a helping hand?”

“Of course.”

Y/N got up and followed Bessie inside to the kitchen, the three others chattering away as the two started making a new batch black tea. Bessie busied herself with finding some mugs, her sugar, and milk, as Y/N just stood beside the kettle and waited for it to finish boiling. With her arms crossed, her mind wandered off to all those times Harry mentioned his dad and his death, not once had he mentioned he was sick, so Y/N didn’t know where she had gotten that idea from. She knew it was not something she should be speculating or thinking about, but right then, she could not help herself.

Instead of thinking about something so tragic, she forced herself to think about Dax’s birthday party the coming weekend. Harry had only mentioned it in passing yesterday, but Y/N was already looking forward to it. There wasn’t much else she did now anyway besides knit, read for the UCAT, and lie about being in a relationship. Throwing some partying into that mix seemed like a bit of fun.

Saturday, 11 July

“I’m about to do it,” Y/N said, eyes on her laptop screen in front of her. Her white summer dress blew a little in the wind from the open window beside her, but the breeze was welcomed, as it always was in Cornwall.

Harry looked up from where he was going through some bills on his couch, wearing his red knitted jumper along with a pair of short dungaree shorts. Y/N was sat on the other side of his tiny house in the windowsill beside his bed. It was big enough to fit her, her books, and laptop, it was kind of her spot now.

“I’m really about to do it,” Y/N repeated, more for her own sake than for Harry’s - who was a little confused and sat with his mouth open, waiting for her to elaborate – because she simply could not believe she was doing this.

“What?” Harry asked after a while, and when Y/N met his eyes, he blinked a few times as if readying himself for whatever she was about to say.

“Apply for the UCAT exam.”

Last week, Y/N had taken Harry up on his offer to study for her UCAT exam at his place. She came over Friday, and upon seeing her walking up to his house around 8:30, Harry walked toward her on the gravel path. She didn’t know why, but she liked that he did that instead of just standing stoic and just watching her. It made her almost feel urgently desired at his house when he did that.

“Hi,” Y/N greeted as they fell into step beside one another. “Report time?”

“Yeah, just walking around and checking everything.”

She smiled. “And so you walked over here to check on me?”

“Who wouldn’t?”

Y/N wanted to laugh, but Harry was looking at the gravel in front of him, lips sucked into his mouth as if telling himself to shut up. He walked her all the way into his house, telling her to make herself feel at home. She sat down by the round table and placed her books out before her, sighing a little to herself as she opened the first one to the page she’d left off on last time. Before going about his day of lightkeeper chores, he made her a cup of tea and told her to help herself to anything in the fridge. He left in a hurry to report, and Y/N didn’t see much of him till two hours later, when he came inside to look through some paperwork.

The rest of the week, she’d popped by almost every single day and then stayed for hours on end. Though she’d mostly been studying, she had also stayed a little longer just to hang out with Harry. She felt safe on Clodgy Point, with Harry, who, once she got him talking about something he found interesting, would talk someone’s ear off. It was so nice to hang out with someone her own age. Someone who would curse and who didn’t need to gossip all the time. There was something so relaxing about Harry’s presence and his little bungalow that attracted Y/N. She simply could not study in her own room anymore, and Harry didn’t seem to mind. He’d meet her on the gravel path and walk her to his house before he went off to report, every single day without fail. She always looked forward to seeing him there, a sight that made the moors around her seem less turbulent and the world a little more colourful.

Though she sat by the door the first two days, she ended up in the windowsill after a while. When Harry caught her there, he asked if her bum wouldn’t get numb from sitting there all day, to which Y/N jokingly said not to worry, she could just bring a cushion next time, though she always forgot. She didn’t mind though; she liked that windowsill so much that her sore arse didn’t bother her. It also seemed Harry liked that his windowsill was being used, because at one point, he brought his Super 8 camera out, taping her doing her work in the windowsill.

On Monday, something happened that took Y/N’s breath away. Harry walked into the house, zipping his mouth shut when their eyes met as if to tell her he didn’t intend on interrupting her. He made himself something to eat for lunch and sat by the round kitchen table, minding his own business and looking out of the window beside him every now and again for some sort of entertainment. Once he was done eating, he washed his plate up and then, instead of walking back out to work, he walked over to his piano. Y/N immediately sat up a bit straighter, resting her hands on her bent knee as she watched Harry open the piano chair, pull a notebook out, and then sit down once he closed it.

Harry’s hands hovered over the keys before he slowly started pressing down on them, producing the softest melody Y/N thought she might have ever heard. He moved along with the piece, feeling the rhythmic waves take over his body and guide him through the history that melody held. It was clear Harry had some sort of attachment to that piece. Y/N didn’t know how carefully musicians played, how much attention and care they gave to each of the pieces they performed, but there was something graceful and almost intimate about watching Harry perform that piece. Y/N simply could not put her finger on it, but she couldn’t take her eyes off him.

Once he was done playing that specific melody, about to start the next one, Y/N opened her mouth, “What’s that piece called?”

Harry looked at her over his shoulder, raising his eyebrows some as if he hadn’t heard her right.

“Is it well-known?”

“No, uhm…” He furrowed his brows some, looking at the dresser stood beside the piano where a few photos were placed. “I wrote it myself?”

“You did?”

“Yeah, it’s a few years old.”

Y/N couldn’t help her smile. “Does the piece have a title?”

Harry nodded slowly. “Saving Grace,” he explained. “It’s got a dual meaning.”

“Which is?”

“Well, I was 20 when Grace was born. Until then I hadn’t really been around babies, so it took some getting used to when Grace was around most of the time. It had only been my dad and me for a long time, then Jessa came into our lives, which ultimately brought Gracie.” Harry looked out the window Y/N sat in. “It had been a very… content life till then. Nothing spectacular, Dad and I really did love each other and were best friends since before Mum left us when I was 6. But…” He trailed off. “But then came Jessa and Grace, and they truly changed all that. They made us so happy.”

A warmness that was not due to the hot temperature outside, made its way like a wave down Y/N’s body.

“Grace became my little person, you know? Though I worked at St Ives Bakery and had friends, I still didn’t know what I wanted to really do with my life. I was about to apply to study music at uni, but… I dunno, I just didn’t. Grace became my purpose for a little while. I earned money so I could take her places and buy her ice cream, or I taught her how to walk, talk, and we did everything together.” Harry turned back to the piano, playing the first few notes slowly. “This melody came to me when I watched her walk without trouble around the moors outside, she was looking at flowers and she was so happy. The melody tries to capture that moment and how perfect that day was.” He stopped, glancing at the sheet in front of him. “She was two years old.”

“So, essentially, you try to capture feelings and moments in your music?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you have any other pieces?”

Harry chuckled, looking over his shoulder at her. “You know, the reason I started playing was to help you concentrate. Piano music is great for that.”

“Sod my work, I want to know more about your music.”

“Oi!” Harry exclaimed, turning his body in her direction now. “I’ve never heard you say that word before! Never heard you speak like that!”

Y/N laughed, but persuaded Harry to play a few of his other pieces before he went back to work.

That Saturday when Y/N brought up the exam, Harry hadn’t played any piano. He sometimes would, both to calm himself down, but also to help Y/N concentrate. She would sometimes take breaks just to listen to him, but his playing really did help her focus. Harry was doing some of his work in the house that Saturday, probably to keep her company, but she was very happy he was there. She needed someone to talk this through with.

There was an instant pull to the edges of Harry’s lips, something that he didn’t have to think about, it was instinctive and genuine. A slight breath left his mouth, almost like something of a chuckle, a relief of sorts that made her all hot. He smiled and got up from the couch, a reason for his movements as if he moved a little easier now that he’d just heard that.

“Are you really?” he asked, taking his tea mug and nodding at Y/N’s beside her. She picked it up and handed it to him.

“I mean, I’ve been thinking about it for weeks, and I feel like it’s stupid to study for an exam if I’m never going to take it.”

“That makes sense, yeah.”

“So, I’m just gonna do it now.”

Harry put their mugs down, filling up the kettle before making another round. Y/N liked that he just assumed she wanted another cuppa. She liked the fact he made her this hot beverage that took a long time for someone to drink up. That he made her several a day. She really liked that.

“I’m thinking, you’ve been reading for weeks and you clearly know the material, you might as well,” Harry said.

“There’s just… I dunno…”

“What?”

“No.”

Harry was quiet, so when Y/N looked at him, he was already looking at her, waiting for her to continue. Both knew she wouldn’t hold back once she’d already started saying something.

“I’m scared I won’t show up.”

Harry frowned. “Why? That something is gonna come up?”

“No, that I’ll just oversleep on purpose or find any possible solution so I won’t have to go. Maybe my brain will refuse to revise the entire week before it, I tended to do that in school. When I have an opportunity to, I make things hard for myself.”

Harry plopped two sugars into her cuppa. “I won’t let that happen.”

She raised her eyebrows at him. “How, you’re gonna carry me out of my room and to your van, then drive me to the exam?”

“If that’s what it takes.”

She laughed, looking back at the laptop in front of her as Harry walked over, putting the tea down beside her.

“Thanks,” she said.

“I think you should just do it.”

“I know I should, but… once I sign up, it’s all happening. It’s not just something I’m thinking about doing, it’s actually happening and there’s a date I gotta work toward.” She sighed. “It’s not just a dream anymore.”

“It stopped being ‘just a dream’ the second you bought those books,” Harry said, sipping his tea as Y/N looked up at him where he stood beside her. “When you started reading, you knew what you were doing and yet you did it anyway.”

She studied him for a second, meeting his eyes the second before she turned back to the laptop. “Guess you’re right.”

“I’m right.”

She flung her arm out, hitting him just across his knee. “Cocky.”

“No,” Harry giggled. “I’m correct. You should try being it sometime.”

“Tone it down!”

Harry laughed, walking back over to his paperwork again. He sat working for a bit longer, finishing his tea before he put everything back in the folder and walked back out of the house and to the lighthouse. When the front door slammed shut, it was like Y/N was slapped out of a sort of trance. She had just been looking at the UCAT website, mouse hovering over the ‘Register and Book’ button, mind somewhere else completely. She remembered what Harry said, how registering and taking this exam wouldn’t make this dream of hers reality all of a sudden, she had done that herself when she started deliberately revising for the UCAT.

She clicked the button and made herself a new user on the website. Reading through everything carefully, Y/N felt her heart picking up speed. It was dawning on her that she was really doing this, despite everything, she was finally registering to take the test. The next few minutes as she took all of this in, she completely forgot where she was. All she knew was the information being fed to her. The wind, the sun, the fly flying around her head, nor whatever Harry was doing was any of her concern. She focused entirely on registering and booking a date. A fee of £75 had to be paid, and though Y/N would never have thought about paying that kind of money before, she hesitated now.

She didn’t have a job, her parents weren’t providing for her anymore because… well, she wasn’t talking to them, so she only had the money on her one card left. Though she was sure she could afford the test fee, there would come a time when she couldn’t. Money had never been a problem until now. This hadn’t been something she thought about before, it hadn’t been a problem then because her parents were filthy rich, but she recognised this now. However, this test had been on her mind for years and it was something she really wanted to do, so spending money on it wasn’t something she needed to feel guilty about. Y/N paid the fee and sat there staring at her screen as a ‘Thanks for your booking’ popped up on her screen. Her test was September 10th. That was in two months. In two months she would be taking the UCAT.

She got up from the windowsill, shaking her clammy hands to dry them some, a shaky breath leaving her parted lips as her heart galloped inside her chest. It didn’t feel real. None of it felt real. She was doing the UCAT exam. This was her first big step into dentistry. She was actually doing what she had been dreaming of doing for years now.

She had no idea what made her do it but she walked out of the house, instinctively walking towards the lighthouse. Harry was already halfway to the cottage from the lighthouse, halting a little at Y/N’s abrupt exit. She stopped when she saw him.

“I did it.”

Those three words took a few seconds for Harry to comprehend, but when he did, he gave her the biggest grin she’d ever seen on his face. His eyes completely disappeared behind his cheekbones, crinkles appearing beside them, and his crooked smile was accompanied with his brilliant dimples that breathed light and meaning into every situation they were present in. The sight of it made her own appear and she put a hand over her chest, feeling her heart still going hard against her ribcage. Harry must have not thought a lot of it, because he nearly opened his arms, but they quickly fell to his side. Next, he went to give her a high five, but that almost seemed inappropriate because it was such a huge moment to Y/N.

But Y/N couldn’t stop thinking about the way Harry had opened his arms for her just now. Couldn’t stop thinking about how he wanted her close like that to congratulate her on what she’d just done. And, the part of her that hadn’t really experienced someone’s noticeable pride in her like this before, wouldn’t mind at all. That’s why she ran towards him, and the two seconds Harry had to prepare, Y/N both saw the visible shock at her sprinting for him, but also a sort of jubilation like it was an honour. Y/N threw her arms around him and Harry quickly wrapped her in his, a breath of relief skimming her neck and making goosebumps run through her entire body. She laughed as Harry picked her off the ground, groaning in triumph at the news of her finally having signed up for the UCAT.

She leaned her head against his, smelling that same perfume on him that she remembered smelling when she wore his knitted jumper a few weeks ago. Her theory had also been right: Harry was an amazing hugger. His grip was tight and she was sure he closed his eyes, really immersing himself completely in the person he was embracing. Fingers spread out across her back, the tips of one just touching her shoulder blade and the other on her waist, squeezing her slightly for a few seconds before letting her down again.

“That’s amazing, Y/N,” Harry said, and Y/N tightened her grip.

When they finally let go of one another, Harry ran inside and came back some seconds later holding his camera, said he needed to document this. Y/N did a few poses that made Harry laugh, then proceeding to run out into the field beyond the lighthouse. She felt absolutely ecstatic as she ran around, grinning and jumping, her arms held up high and her heart soaring. After all this time, she was finally pursuing this. If she was able to do something that terrified and excited her like this, then what else could she do? Part of her felt like she could do anything now.

Porthgwidden Beach was like Harry described it: small. Once Harry and Y/N arrived at the tiny car park above the beach, Y/N stopped for a moment to take in the beach that wasn’t even a fraction of what the other two major beaches of St Ives were. Some Tiësto song was playing somewhere and the beach was crowded, all guests of Dax’s birthday party. The Porthgwidden Beach Café seemed to have been booked for the occasion as well, people around their age all sitting grouped around the table with their bottles and cups. No one seemed to be going crazy on their alcohol, which reassured Y/N some because it had been a while since she had been drunk, a glass or two of anything would make her very lightheaded and giggly. She had brought with her a bottle of wine in her tote bag, Harry seemed to be relying on his mates having brought drinks. If not, Y/N wouldn’t mind sharing the rest of hers with him.

Y/N had left Harry’s place not long after she signed up for the UCAT so she could get ready for Dax’s birthday party in her own room. She wore a dark green column midi skirt along with a white tee shirt and some short heels that she regretted wearing the second her and Harry stepped out into the sand. He looked over his shoulder at her once he noticed her struggling a bit, offering his hand for her to hold so she could take her heels off. While she did that, she took the liberty to study him again. His outfit was simple, yet effortlessly hot. High waisted mid wash denim jeans, a baggy black tee shirt tucked into them, along with some white socks and black Converse. Y/N had a theory Harry would end up taking his own shoes off by the end of the night too.

The two had met on Island Street where they knew none of the other partygoers would venture. That way, people would’ve seen them walk together all the way to the party, assuming they must’ve spent time at Harry’s place before coming here. They had discussed this plan over a last cuppa tea before Y/N left earlier that day, Harry had seemed very happy with himself for coming up with that one. And as they stood there, Y/N holding his hand while taking her shoes off, they heard some loud whistles followed by a “There they are!”

Looking over, they saw the birthday boy making his way over, arms spread wide and the biggest grin on his face. “My boyo!”

“Dax, not now-“

But the man didn’t listen. He hugged Harry to him, causing Harry to take a few steps, resulting in Y/N losing her balance. With a squeal, Y/N almost fell face first into the sand again, but Harry was fast to bring one hand under her armpit and the other to her hip. He dragged her toward him, her torso flat against his. She saw Harry’s eyes on her face in her peripheral vision, felt his breath on her cheek.

“Oi!” Dax laughed. “Sorry ‘bout that, Y/N. Got a bit carried away seeing this hunk.” Dax put a hand on Harry’s shoulder, causing Harry to jump right out of his trance and let go of Y/N, as if couples didn’t normally embrace each other like this without hesitation.

“Happy birthday, Dax,” Y/N smiled before picking up her shoe, shoving the pair into her tote bag along with her cardigan and Harry’s red knitted jumper.

“Happy birthday, mate,” Harry said.

“You know, I expected you to be the first one here.” Dax crossed his arms over his chest as he looked at Harry.

Harry furrowed his brows at Dax. “What do you mean?”

“Well, isn’t your best friend’s birthday important to you?”

Harry was quiet for a second. “Oh, my word, Dax.”

“I’m just a joke to you.”

“You sure are.”

“Look who it is!” Ellie called, grinning as her and the rest of Harry’s little gang made their way over. “You made it!”

“We were starting to think you two wouldn’t come,” Amir said, his hair in the most effortlessly pretty bun at the top of his head. “Too busy?” Amir wiggled his eyebrows.

“You’re too caught up in people’s sex lives for it to be normal, mate,” Harry said, taking the cup Fatima offered him. “Cheers.”

Something about Harry referring to him and Y/N’s sex life made Y/N’s cheeks feel awfully hot. Even though their joined sex life was non-existent, it still got to her. Maybe it was the way Harry always dodged those questions so the two wouldn’t have to answer any awkward queries they had absolutely no idea about. She didn’t know, but she rummaged through her bag so people wouldn’t see how flustered she suddenly got.

“Just trying to make conversation,” Amir said.

“Well, don’t,” Jo chimed in, their smile mocking and Amir only huffed in response.

“By the way!” Dax exclaimed, grinning from ear to ear. “We’re going Terraland next week, you coming this year, Y/N?”

Y/N raised her eyebrows in question. “What’s Terraland?”

“Theme park in Helston, we go every year towards the end of the summer vacation,” Jo explained. “Harry here-“ They gestured at the man standing beside Y/N. “-Doesn’t like Terraland.”

“I do,” Harry protested. “I like laying by the pool and not doing shit. I don’t particularly like it when you force me on rollercoasters.”

Y/N smiled. “I’ll come if Harry decides to.”

“Brill! All of us are coming, maybe a few others,” Amir said.

“So, it’s like an adventure park with rollercoasters and such?” Y/N asked

“That and pools, very much the kind of thing you visit when you’re on vacation in, like, Spain,” Harry explained. “But it’s in Cornwall.”

“Good for a group of grown up kids, ey?” Dax grinned, clapping his hands together.

“Come, Y/N, babe.” Ellie linked her arm with Y/N’s, taking Y/N off guard, but she didn’t stop Ellie. She looked at their arms and smiled a little. “Let’s get you a cup so we can get this party started.”

“Love your skirt, by the way,” Fatima smiled as they reached a table with tons of cups and napkins.

“Ahh, thank you. Haven’t worn it in a while, so I felt it was fitting to do so today.” Y/N glanced down at her skirt, running her hand over it before reaching for a cup.

“Ellie and I were saying the other day that you’ve got such a sophisticated sense of style, you need to take us shopping.”

“Could use a few pointers,” Ellie agreed, watching Y/N as she poured herself a glass of wine.

“Really?” Y/N screwed the cork shut before putting the bottle away, smiling at the two girls. “I mean, it’s not that good-“

“-Out of respect for what Harry said, I will stop you before you discredit yourself,” Ellie smiled back.

Y/N laughed. “What about respect for me? Respect me wanting to discredit myself for having a mediocre clothing style.”

Both Fatima and Ellie joined in on the laughing and the three girls walked away from the table so they could hang out by themselves. Though St Ives had around 11,000 inhabitants, Y/N was sure a lot of the guests weren’t locals. Maybe friends from University or friends-of-friends, everything to get a good party going. Judging by what Fatima and Ellie told Y/N, this was an annual thing. Dax Rose held a massive birthday party and absolutely everyone was invited. Bring your own alcohol, bring a friend, and bring a smile, and you were welcomed with open arms. People were sitting in the sand or by the café, others were just standing around, some were dancing, and a group was also taking a swim and joking around in the water. Y/N genuinely liked the atmosphere; it was just really freeing and nice. People wore whatever they wanted, laughter could be heard everywhere, and it just seemed like everyone wanted to have a good time.

Though anyone could come join the party – something that made her look around her a few too many times -, there were still enough people there to notice something suspicious going on.

Fatima, Ellie, and Y/N stood just talking for a while. It was really nice to talk to some girls her own age again, she couldn’t remember the last time she had done that. She had some good friends at school but once they had gone off to University or moved away from Winchester, she fell out of touch with most of them. Y/N knew it wasn’t personal, she quite liked the fact her friends had acquired new lives for themselves, being happier and more fulfilled. But she had missed just standing around chatting nonsense. The conversation didn’t hold much significance, there wasn’t much crucial information going around, or any sort of seriousness attached to it, just some mates having a chat. Y/N found herself wondering if Fatima and Ellie would come if she asked them out for lunch one day.

“I saw this documentary the other day, it’s on iPlayer,” Ellie said. “It was super interesting and disturbing.”

“Oh?” Y/N said, tipsy at this point and just holding the cup of wine in her hand, not wanting to drink more in case it would make her dizzy and very giggly.

“Yeah, it was basically about all these people who committed gruesome murders in the UK, and who go free now.”

Y/N looked up from her cup with wide eyes and at Ellie as Fatima gasped.

“Yeah, I can’t remember what it was called…” As Ellie started thinking, a shadow appeared beside Y/N and she jumped. The tall red-haired man standing beside Y/N only smiled at her, holding a hands up to indicate he was friendly.

Fatima clicked her tongue. “Are you trying to give her a heart attack, Cam?”

“No, I’m sorry, darl,” the man said, looking at Y/N as he held a hand out for her to shake. “Just saw an unfamiliar face and thought I’d introduce myself, is all. I’m Cameron.”

Y/N took a huge breath, meeting Ellie’s eyes before looking at Cameron and shaking his hand. “Y/N.”

“Y/N,” he mused under his breath, nodding his head as his hand fell to his side again. “Haven’t seen you around here before, Y/N.”

“I’ve only been here a month now.”

“Too bad we didn’t meet earlier, then.”

Y/N’s eyes widened a bit, the compliment taking her off guard. She only chuckled some, wrapping both her hands around her cup as she looked down at the liquid in it.

“When did you come back, Cam?” Ellie asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Two weeks ago. Are you on vacation here then, Y/N?” Cameron didn’t even spare Ellie a look, his undivided attention on Y/N as she continued to stare at her drink.

But suddenly a pair of black Converse appeared beside her bare feet. She felt a hand on her lower back, a warm and comforting pressure that slowly trailed its way to her waist, wrapping his fingers around her curves and bringing her toward him. Her figure fell against his, fitting against his side as if they’d done this before.

“That’s my girlfriend you’re trying to pull, Cam,” Harry said, his voice steady and a little darker than normal. Maybe it was the effect of the alcohol he had drunk this far or it being late, Y/N didn’t know, but she knew she liked it.

Cameron was quiet for a second. “Your girlfriend? Mate, you got a girlfriend?”

“This is her,” Harry continued.

“Ah, I’m sorry, Haz.”

“Don’t apologise to me, apologise to my girlfriend.”

Cameron smiled, as if he couldn’t believe Harry, but he met Y/N’s eyes. “I apologise, I didn’t know.”

Y/N nodded, not really knowing what else to say or do. Cameron looked at the other three, saying a quick goodbye before buggering off. As he disappeared, Harry’s hand slid back around her waist as he came to stand in front of Y/N. She felt his touch along her forearm, rough fingers caressing her with such sensitivity as if he was afraid of crossing a line. Whenever he touched her like this, she could tell by the rough skin of his hands that he wasn’t used to being gentle like this; wasn’t used to being careful when touching someone else. His work made him have rough skin and maybe even a rough touch, but he was always so incredibly cautious when he reached for Y/N.

He slid his hand into hers, squeezing her fingers as she wrapped them around him. Their eyes met and upon seeing him in front of her, seeing him this close, she felt her eyes widen a bit. Though the entire reason why he was doing this was because there were people around watching them, it still felt like everyone was intruding on a special moment between the two of them.

“You okay? Saw he made you jump a bit,” Harry said, hooded and glassy eyes searching her face.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just came up out of nowhere,” Y/N answered, offering a smile because she knew Harry’s concern was genuine.

Y/N wasn’t sure if Ellie or Fatima noticed Harry’s slight hesitance because by the sound of it, they were chatting amongst themselves, but Y/N did. Harry leaned in, eyes on hers till he closed them. Every single hair on Y/N’s body shot up as Harry pressed his lips gently against her cheek. He was covering her view of Ellie and Fatima, so the two couldn’t see the immediate shock on Y/N’s face. Their conversation halted, she was aware of that, but all her attention was focused on Harry’s lips and how hot her entire body got in the matter of a second. She closed her eyes, eyelashes brushing his skin. Harry pulled away, resting the right side of his forehead against her left for a few seconds. She wondered if he could feel how hard her heart was beating, how clammy her hands were. Could he tell she wanted to reach for his neck and hold him there, but she was carrying her cup and her other hand was already holding his? Could he feel her breaths on his neck like she could feel his? Did he want to stay like that, safe in each other’s company and unbothered by everyone else, for the rest of the night?

“I’m sure there are taxis driving about town if you two wanna go home,” Ellie said, and Fatima cursed her right away.

Harry took a step away from Y/N, clearing his throat as a familiar redness came to his cheeks. His hand was about to fall away from hers, but she gripped his harder, not ready to let go yet. He gave Fatima and Ellie a tight-lipped smile before meeting Y/N’s eyes again, the muscles in his face relaxing.

“El, I need a refill,” Fatima said, and though Y/N couldn’t read their faces yet, she could kind of tell what that meant.

“Let’s go get you a drink then. See you two in a bit.” Ellie and Fatima walked off, falling into conversation right away.

Harry made sure they were completely alone, that no one was eavesdropping before he said lowly, “Sorry if that was too much, I just… I just thought it’d look good, you know? To kiss my girlfriend- my pretend girlfriend around other people just to underline that we are… you know…”

Y/N nodded, biting her lips together as she watched Harry continue to try and find his words.

“Also, sorry if you wanted to chat to Cameron, I’m… I don’t want this to get in the way-“

“-I didn’t. I don’t.”

Silence stretched on, eyes on one another as the party continued around them. They didn’t have any regard for it as they kept their attention on one another. Y/N had answered so quickly and so honestly that it made her nervous when Harry didn’t say anything. Because it was true that she didn’t want to talk to Cameron, she didn’t know who he was and would probably never see him again. But she knew who Harry was, and she wanted to see him all the time. There was a comfort in his presence that settled over her like a warm, safe blanket. She liked being around him. She didn’t want to be near Cameron or anyone else.

“Do you think people think we’re a couple right now? Are we believable? Is this believable?” Harry mumbled.

Y/N giggled. “Well, you just kissed my cheek out of nowhere, I’d hope it’s somewhat believable and that they think we’re a couple.”

Harry laughed, looking down at their hands. “Yeah, it’s kind of… it’s kind of easy, isn’t it?”

Y/N frowned. “What is?”

“Being like this with you. I might feel like a right idiot when I take your hand or kiss your cheek, but you don’t make me feel like one.”

She smiled.

“It’s natural. Not that… that being in a relationship with you and acting like this is natural, I didn’t mean it like that, but it’s-“ He stopped himself looking up at her again as he bit his bottom lip, shrugging slightly. “-It’s like joking about with a friend and just having fun, feeling comfortable.”

“Yeah?”

“You know… I hope I don’t sound like a melt and I’m probably only able to say this ‘cause I’m a tad tipsy,” Harry said, and Y/N giggled. “But you’ve become one of my best friends. If not best friend, a very good one. Like… dunno, I can talk to you about anything, I don’t feel weird being silent around you, or saying or doing stuff that is weird, and I-I feel like you might feel the same way about me. At least I hope so.”

Her smile widened. “I do.”

He let out a small breath and Y/N chuckled.

“It’s sad that when this ends it’ll look weird if we remain friends, won’t it?” Y/N hated that she was thinking and talking about a time in the future they both knew was coming, but avoided talking about at all costs.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, do exes stay friends without it being weird to a degree? If you start dating someone for example, will our friends expect us to act a certain way, and if they do and we contradict their theory, will that make them suspicious of us?”

Harry furrowed his brows a little.

“I want to hang out with you and it’s sad to think that in August, we might have to part ways and never talk again ‘cause it’ll look… weird. Dunno, I haven’t really gone through this before.”

Harry let out a breathy chuckle. “Neither have I.”

Y/N laughed.

“I mean, I’ve gone through a break-up, but not like this.”

Y/N nodded. “Yeah, I haven’t talked to my ex since it happened.”

They were quiet for a moment as Harry digested Y/N’s choice of words. “You haven’t talked to your ex since you broke up either? Like, at all?”

“He, uhm, he’s sent me texts, but I don’t want to talk to him.”

Harry must have noticed how little Y/N wanted to talk about her ex, because he looked down at their hands again and let their conversation end there. Y/N held her cup out for him and Harry took it, looking at it. He raised his eyebrows, silently asking if she wanted any more of it, but she shook her head. He poured it out in the sand.

“You’re enjoying yourself?” Harry asked after a little while, wiping something off the corners of his mouth with his free index and thumb.

“The party?” Y/N met Harry’s eyes and then searched for Ellie and Fatima, she’d have to find them later. “Yeah, it’s nice. I like your friends.”

“There are a couple more who want me to introduce you, so we’ll have to do that later if it’s okay.”

“Of course.”

Harry’s eyes fell to the now empty cup. “And are you enjoying yourself in St Ives?”

Y/N smiled. “I am, it’s fun.” As she laid extra pressure on the last word, Harry looked up and as she raised her eyebrows, he knew she was referring to them and their fake relationship. He chuckled and Y/N watched him.

“Is it everything you hoped it’d be?”

She was unsure what he was referring to, but she said, “More.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” she answered, folding her hands.

“So, you’re… you’re staying?” Pause. “Right?”

Confused, Y/N furrowed her brows at Harry, studying his face to try and find some sort of explanation to that utterance. She slowly opened her mouth, and said, “Staying?”

“Here.”

“On the beach?”

“No.”

“In St Ives?”

Something that could be interpreted as a nod happened, but no words left Harry’s lips. Instead, he continued to look at her, eyes searching her face as if he could find her answer somewhere there. A slight breeze blew past them, making a curl come loose and hang in front of Harry’s eye. He quickly pushed it away, not letting anything prevent him from seeing Y/N fully as she realised what Harry meant. Y/N felt his fingers brush her arm on their way down.

“Do you want me to stay?”

Harry didn’t say anything or nod this time around. Their eyes didn’t waver, looking at each other and not daring to look away. Y/N didn’t register till then how close they were standing. When the wind blew from behind Harry, she smelled his familiar scent and it made something inside her flutter. It was instinctive to look down at his lips, just as instinctive to look up and feel her breath hitch somewhere in her throat as she saw his lips part. Unapologetically, Harry’s eyes did the same that Y/N’s had done just a few seconds prior. A fire-hot shiver ran up her spine as he glanced at her lips, taking a step forward so that their hands rested against one another. Y/N wanted to look at his lips again, but she simply could not look away from his eyes. He was so close and she didn’t want to ruin it, didn’t want to look away.

“Do you think we’re believable now?” Harry whispered, his voice hoarse.

Y/N couldn’t bring herself to answer, she was waiting for something unspeakable; something that couldn’t be put into word for fear of the reality of those words being too raw, too true. She felt his curl against her forehead. His breath on her nose. Her body prickling with anticipation and confusion, unable to properly decipher if what was going on was all part of the show or if this was genuine. Harry was too respectable to make a move, and Y/N was too perplexed to do anything. If she kissed him, how would he feel? Would he take it as her being genuinely interested in him, or that they were just doing it to seem like a genuine couple? And if she kissed him, would she interpret it as her genuinely fancying him, or would she do it just to feed into their façade?

Before she could think about anything else, someone shouted something above the music and everyone else talking. It seemed to have caught quite a few people’s attention, because the volume on the beach lowered considerably. Harry tore his eyes away from Y/N and looked in the direction of the commotion. Y/N did as well, craning her neck to see beyond the group of people that were hugging and crowding what looked to be a new guest. Harry froze in front of Y/N and she looked at him, then back at the group.

“What’s going on?” she asked.

“My…” Harry mumbled, pausing for some seconds. “Emilia.”

Y/N looked back at Harry. “Emilia?”

Harry nodded.

“Your ex?”

“The one who lived in Munich for two years, yeah.” Harry ran a hand through his hair before he met Y/N’s eyes. “I haven’t seen her since she came back, think she came back sometime last week.”

“Do you want to go say hi?”

“I…” Harry glanced in Emilia’s direction again, clearly thinking it over thoroughly. “I mean… yes, but… she’d meet you as well. She’d have to.”

“Why?”

“’Cause Dax won’t be able to keep himself from bringing up the fact that I have a new girlfriend. Pretend girlfriend, but… you know…”

Y/N nodded.

“If she knows I’m here and I’m with my new girlfriend, she’s gonna wanna meet you.”

She inhaled sharply. “Why would she want to meet the person you’re supposedly being intimate with now?”

Harry’s eyes grew wide for a single second before he composed himself, blinking himself back to reason. “Dunno. Emilia is very sociable. Just like you.”

“But she’d meet the person you’re with now, I don’t see why she’d want to meet them.”

“Maybe she’s happy for me, maybe she wants to meet someone who supposedly makes me happy,” Harry offered, shrugging his shoulders.

Y/N stared at him for a few seconds. “I know you said she didn’t want to be with you ‘cause it affected her mental health, and I get that, but leaving you when you were at your lowest is still an awful thing to do.”

Harry glanced at Y/N.

“And then not talking to you for two years after just sodding off to Munich. She doesn’t know what you’ve been through since then, do you think she’s gonna care now?”

Harry furrowed his brows. “Y/N, I loved Emilia.”

“I’m aware, but the people we love don’t have to love us back the same way we love them. One part always ends up loving more, feeling more, doing more. We can’t choose how much we love someone, and we don’t have a say in how they love us, but the fact of the matter is that if you love someone, you act like it. You let them know.”

Harry didn’t say anything, he just bit the inside of his cheek and continued to look at Y/N.

“I’m fully aware you loved Emilia, probably still do, but it doesn’t sit right with me that she just removed herself like that completely. You’re not a toxic person, you were just going through a rough time.”

“Harry!” Amir shouted, waving Harry and Y/N over. “Harry, mate!”

Harry watched Y/N for a few more seconds, probably either debating what she’d just said or losing every shred of respect he had for her, Y/N didn’t know. He nodded in the direction of everyone and the two started walking there, strolling the distance in silence. She didn’t know how she was supposed to interpret said silence, if it was a good kind or if he just didn’t want to talk to her for the rest of the night because he had taken offense to what she’d said.

When they reached the group, they made space for Harry and Y/N, and the first thing Y/N noticed was the brunette standing on the opposite side to the circle from them. Her blue eyes lit up when she saw Harry and she smiled at him instantly, clearly happy to see him after two years of no contact.

“Hi,” she exclaimed, crossing the circle, and giving Harry a hug. “It’s so good to see you again.”

“Yeah, you too,” Harry said. “How was Munich?”

“Amazing, I’m moving there permanently after University, I’m sure.” Emilia stepped away from Harry and immediately, her eyes fell on Y/N. “And this must be the girlfriend.”

Harry and Y/N’s eyes met, Harry raising his eyebrows in a quick “told you so”, which made Y/N smile some before turning back to Emilia.

“Yes, I guess I am. And you’re the ex.”

Harry shifted uncomfortably, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans as he looked from Y/N to Emilia and back again. It was evident that the rest of the group, and quite a few others as well, were watching this interaction with keen interest. They were probably waiting for one of them to start a fight and the other one to feed into it, something Harry would step in to stop and take sides, which would ultimately just end badly. It was clearly something a lot of people thought would be great entertainment. But Y/N kept her cool, not wanting to sound passive aggressive or make Harry uncomfortable. Though she was not impressed with Emilia’s past actions, she wasn’t about to judge her solely on them. Y/N hoped she was right not to.

“I am, it’s been so long since I’ve seen Harry.” Emilia looked back at Harry, considerably smaller than him, looking up at him through her lashes. “That rain check you were talking about, you could make up for it by walking me over to get a cup?”

Y/N looked at Harry, about to open her mouth and ask what rain check Emilia was talking about, but she realised it was none of her business. And questioning Harry like this in front of everyone would just feed into everything everyone wanted. So, Y/N just crossed her arms over her chest.

“Actually, we’re about to leave,” Harry said, giving Emilia a small smile.

Emilia pouted. “Really? It’ll only take you a minute.”

Harry opened his mouth to inhale hugely, looking over at Y/N who hoped he could tell she didn’t like this. But Harry met Emilia’s eyes again, taking a step back and Emilia grinned as the two started walking towards the table in the middle of the beach with all the cups. Y/N watched them, how easily they fell into conversation and how eager Emilia was to talk to Harry again. While witnessing this, Y/N kept reminding herself of what Harry had said earlier, about her becoming one of his closest friends. She hoped repeating that moment to herself would prevent her from getting hurt and sad and angry, but it didn’t. When turning back toward the gang, she realised both Ellie and Dax were watching Harry and Emilia as well. And upon taking a look around, she realised Jo, Amir, and Fatima were as well. Y/N didn’t know for what purpose, but if Dax’s tense jaw was any indicator, it couldn’t have been for a particularly good reason.

Why would Harry do that? Though Y/N wasn’t in a relationship with him, it was still embarrassing for her to have to stand there and wait for him. She felt ridiculous when Fatima met her eyes again, giving her an apologetic smile, one Y/N – Harry’s fake girlfriend – didn’t deserve, but she appreciated it nevertheless. Because despite everything, this hurt. She dug her nails into her upper arms as she stood there, mad at Harry for the first time ever. Though it had been gormless of Emilia to ask in the first place, Harry hadn’t really needed much persuasion.

As Emilia and Harry’s voices got louder, the gang started up a light conversation that Y/N pretended to be part of. She only gave Harry a slight glance before looking back at Dax who was talking, the guy not giving the returning two any of his attention either. Y/N wondered if Dax thought the same way about Emilia’s behaviour as she did, but then again, it wasn’t like Y/N could take Dax aside and ask him that. If Y/N sought Dax out to talk about Harry’s ex, it wouldn’t look good.

“Ready to leave?” Y/N asked, reaching into her tote bag for her cardigan. Some of her passive aggressiveness was detectable in her voice, she hoped no other than Harry picked up on it. She was still tipsy so she blamed her incapability to hold back on that.

“Yeah,” Harry said, standing very still as he watched Y/N put her cardigan on. Once it was on, she smiled at everyone, and then looked at Harry as he directed a “See ya, yeah?” at everyone. Though Dax was visibly sad the two were leaving, he seemed to know why they were bailing because he didn’t ask them why or stop them. Y/N put her shoes back on and the two started on their way back up the hill that led to the car park.

It was unexpected when Harry reached for her hand, intertwining his fingers with hers so slowly and so deliberately that she felt it in every single one of her cells. Though it was nice to feel him there, she had to bite her lip from saying anything as they walked up Burrow Road. The second they were out of sight and alone, Y/N let go of his hand. This wasn’t something Harry would’ve usually paid much attention had he not heard her passive aggression just a few moments earlier.

“Is it Emilia?” Harry asked.

It was stupid how the only time Harry managed to be blunt and upfront was when he knew he was in trouble or if someone was annoyed with him. At least Y/N thought so.

She straightened her back, wrapping her cardigan tighter around herself. “What about Emilia?”

“Is that why you’re all… mad? Dunno if mad is the best word.”

“Think it describes how I’m feeling perfectly,” Y/N said. “’Cause I’d say I’m mad with a dash of disappointed.”

Harry looked over at her, frowning again. “Why?”

“Why am I mad you walked over there with Emilia?”

“Yeah.”

Y/N shrugged her shoulders exaggeratingly. “Call it intuition, call it paranoia, call it whatever you bloody want, but I think she wants you back now that you’re not broken up about your Dad anymore.”

Harry took a few seconds to say, “I’ll call that stupidity.”

The laugh that left Y/N was anything but friendly and warm. “Fine. Do whatever you want.”

“Why are you so mad about this anyway? It’s not like we’re…” Harry stopped himself, looking over at Y/N who refused to look at him. “It’s not like we’re a couple.”

“It’s still embarrassing. I was left standing there while my boyfriend walked off with his ex. You don’t even want to admit that what you did was stupid.”

“’Cause it’s not, we just walked down to that table so she could get herself a cup.”

Y/N sighed, running her hands over her face. “Yes, it’s an innocent act and I probably have no right to act like this, but I’m being a friend. I’m trying to look out for you.”

“Are you?”

“What?”

“Being a friend, looking out for me?”

Y/N looked at him, seeing his set jaw and piercing eyes. “Why wouldn’t I look out for you?”

“Right now you just seem mad I hung out with my ex.”

She glanced away again, so frustrated with him that she felt like screaming. They reached Back Road, Y/N walking straight ahead to take the quickest way back to the Inn, Harry was turning right to Clodgy. “Interpret it any way you want, Harry. I’m being truthful when I tell you I just want what’s best for you.”

There was a pause as Harry watched Y/N cross the road. “You’re just gonna leave like that? You don’t wanna talk it out?”

“You don’t understand where I’m coming from, Harry!” Y/N exclaimed as she faced him, turning her back on the dark alleyway behind her. “What’s the point?!”

“Y/N, it’s not like I’m making out with Emilia in front of everyone!”

“I know, but that small act of just walking down there has a lot of meaning! She wants to make up for lost time!”

“You’re just reading too much into this!”

“And you think the best of people who hurt you!”

“She left for her own good, don’t blame her for that!”

“I’m not! I just think it’s odd to not check up on you in those two years following your breakup when you were clearly having a tough time when she left!”

“Oh, my days, Y/N.” Harry ran his hands over his face and through his hair.

“I know you want to see the best in everyone, but I’ve experienced people fucking me over ‘cause I gave them the benefit of the doubt. Multiple times. I’m not doing that again, I’m-I’m just not. And I don’t want to watch that same thing happen to you.”

Harry blinked when Y/N cursed, but quickly regained himself. “I can take care of myself!”

“I’m just being a friend and looking out for you, I’m sorry if-“

“-And what if I don’t want you to look out for me as a friend?!”

Y/N was about to answer, but she felt something brush against her back and then a figure moving out of the dark alleyway behind her. Her heart skipped a beat and the next thing she knew, she felt it in her throat. She jumped out of the way, stepping just in the crack between two cobblestones and stumbling away from the stranger. The man looked at Y/N as she regained her balance, about to reach his hand out to help her when Harry rushed across the road. Y/N managed herself, but she took another step away from the stranger who genuinely looked baffled as to what had just happened. Y/N put a hand over her heart, feeling it beating furiously. Calm down, calm down, calm down, she told herself, feeling safer the second Harry put a hand to her upper arm.

“You alright, miss?” the man asked, looking at Harry who was standing beside Y/N, making sure she was okay.

“Sorry,” Y/N said, doing her best to give him a smile. “I’m just a bit jumpy. And a tad drunk.”

He laughed joyously before continuing on his way, and the second he turned away, Y/N’s face fell. Harry noticed and turned her to face him, squeezing her shoulders so she’d look at him. She balled her hands into fists as she felt her heart beating hard, calming down from the sudden rush of adrenaline.

“You’re okay,” he said, recognising her reaction from that first time she read to him in the grass beside the lighthouse.

Y/N nodded, meeting Harry’s eyes and telling herself it was all fine. She would be fine. Harry was here and nothing would happen to her while he was here. She continued to look at him till she was calmer, but the thought of walking down that dark alleyway now made her want to hurl. However, she didn’t have any other place to walk and she had to get back somehow. Maybe she could call Bessie and talk to her, or maybe she could find another and maybe longer route back. But then she’d be out in the open longer than she initially wanted to.

“Have you always been like that?” Harry asked, the question curious and without any hint of judgement.

“Like what?”

“Paranoid.”

Y/N smiled a little as if that would brighten the mood that had fallen considerably. Slowly, she nodded, averting her eyes from Harry’s. “I like being prepared for anything, for any possible outcome.”

Harry didn’t remove his hands from where they rested on her shoulders.

“So, I either make them up, or if something happens unexpectedly, my brain does this thing where it tells me that the worst possible thing is happening, and I need to escape.”

“What’s the worst possible thing that can happen?”

“In any scenario?”

“Yeah.”

Y/N watched as someone turned every light in their flat off, wishing she was in her bed right now. “That my Dad finds me.”

Harry stayed quiet.

“He terrifies me. Always has. I know he won’t hurt me, but… he’s a bad man, Harry. A very bad man.”

“He won’t come here, Y/N. You’re safe in St Ives.”

Some part of her laughed at that, but when she met his eyes, she knew he genuinely meant it. If Harry was there, he would not let anything happen to her. No matter what. Even if they had a disagreement the second before her Dad showed up. But her father knew where she was and if he wanted her back, he would do what he could to get her back. A lighthouse keeper wouldn’t stand in his way.

Y/N felt her bottom lip starting to wobble at the thought of it, and she put a hand in front of her mouth when the back of her eyes started to sting.

“Hey,” Harry said, squeezing her shoulders. “Let’s go back to mine, yeah? You won’t have to be alone.”

She met his eyes, blinking a few times as she processed his offer. “Yours?”

“Yeah, if you’re a bit shaken up, I thought you might… might not want to be alone.”

Without really registering what she was doing, Y/N was nodding her head to answer his question. “If you’re sure I won’t be a burden in any way-“

“-Flower, you’re never.”

She almost thought she heard him incorrectly. Flower. She had never gotten a nickname before. Her friends back home used to call her ‘babe’ and her mother would sometimes call her ‘sweetheart’ and Bessie referred to her as ‘dear’, but never this one. She suddenly felt a little lightheaded.

Harry wrapped an arm around her and held her to him as they walked through the city. He hummed to The Power of Love as they strolled, keeping the empty and quiet streets of St Ives alive as long as they were walking through them. Y/N looked about them, staring down alleyways and streets, sometimes being too afraid to even to study the shadows or look to make out silhouettes in the darkness. Harry’s humming kept her grounded and reminded her that she wasn’t alone. Once they were walking along the road up to Clodgy Point, Harry let go of her, letting her walk by herself. It was starting to get a bit chilly when the winds of the moors started up around them, so Y/N reached for Harry’s knitted jumper in her tote bag and gave it to him. He was a bit taken aback by that, seemingly having forgotten it was there, but he thanked her, the only two words being uttered at all on their 30-minute walk up to the lighthouse.

Harry unlocked the door and walked in first, turning the light on the coffee table on as Y/N locked the front door. He opened a window to let some air in, then took his jumper and shoes off. Y/N did the same, wrapping her arms around herself. She was aware it had been Harry’s idea for her to stay here, but she suddenly felt like she was intruding. This was his space and his bedtime routine. They had walked off most of their drunkenness, so when Y/N tripped over her own feet a bit, it was purely from exhaustion. Harry was almost about to reach out and catch her even though he was across the room, but his dedication to help her made her chuckle a little. Harry smiled at the sound of it.

Y/N put her tote bag on one of the chairs, putting her cardigan over the back of it as well.

“I…” Harry started, making Y/N look over at where he stood by his dresser. “I have a few shirts and stuff if you wanna freshen up some.”

Y/N chuckled. “What do you mean?”

Realising he probably didn’t make sense, Harry let a breath escape his lips as well. “I meant, if you wanna have a shower, I’ll lend you a tee shirt.”

The thought of showering in Harry’s space seemed almost a bit surreal, but for some reason, also completely normal. She spent so much time here and with him that in a way, it was weird that she hadn’t showered here before. She slowly nodded her head, and Harry opened a drawer, pulling out an old tee white shirt with a small Elton John logo on the chest.

“Towels,” Harry said, walking over to his tiny bathroom and turning the lights on for her. “They’re here, and I got everything you might need in the shower. There’s an unused toothbrush in the cabinet under the sink.”

“Thank you.”

Harry gave her a smile before closing the door. Taking a breather first, the next thing Y/N did was get undressed and take that shower. She washed away the argument with Harry and the reason why it was cut off so abruptly; tried to soak herself in everything else that happened tonight that made her entire body warm. When Harry kissed her cheek; the way his hot lips felt against her skin, how the thought of that moment alone made her feel some type of way. She knew Harry only did it so everyone would think they were a couple, but her cheek was tingling.

She got out of the shower, drying herself off, and putting Harry’s tee shirt on, her skirt under it. Yes, the two were starting to get comfortable around one another, but she wasn’t sure if they were just there yet. Last thing she wanted to do was walk out there in her knickers and one of his tee shirts, then make him uncomfortable in any way. Though she felt like a raisin since she was not doing her usual post-shower skin routine, nor any hair products for her hair, she told herself she’d do it tomorrow when she was back to the Inn.

She walked outside to see Harry laying in his bed, his small telly that was stood by his couch, turned around so he could watch a rerun of an old Would I Lie To You episode. When the bathroom door opened, he instantly looked in her direction, placing his hands on either side of his form as if he got ready to get up. Their eyes met and his eyes fell to her tee shirt, where the material hugged her waist firmly. He met her eyes again, swallowing thickly before he gestured beside him at two glasses of water.

“One by the window is yours.”

“I’m literally so thirsty, thank you.”

Harry smiled, walking past Y/N and into the bathroom, going to take his own shower. Y/N sat down in Harry’s bed, nuzzling under the covers and taking a hold of her glass. She brought it to her lips, sipping it till it was empty, watching the telly as she did. She got up for a refill, drank half, and then just continued to watch the telly for a bit. The light in the room was dim enough so she could easily fall asleep, and she almost did drift off against the headboard, but then Harry exited the bathroom and woke her up with a start.

“Oh!” he exclaimed. “Sorry, did I wake you?”

She smiled, sinking down into the pillow. “Almost went off to dreamland there.”

“Soz.”

“I’m a light sleeper, it’s not your fault.”

Harry nodded, walking over to turn the lights off, the only light in the entire little cottage now being the light from the telly. He strolled over to the fridge and took a cucumber out. Y/N watched him as he brought a knife out, cutting it up in half.

“You hungry?” he asked.

“Just brushed my teeth.”

“So did I, but after I’ve been out, I usually eat half a cucumber before bed.”

Y/N stared at him.

“What?”

“Just… just a cucumber? Nothing else?”

“What else? Do you spice your cucumber? With what?” Harry looked at his little box of spices by his stove. “Onion granules?”

Y/N laughed, placing her hands on the duvet above her stomach.

“I actually had jalfrezi leftovers after we went to the pub a few weeks ago,” Harry said as he came over to the bed, giving Y/N half the cucumber. “So I dipped my cucumber in that and ate it.”

Y/N grimaced. “Were you still pissed?”

“No,” Harry chuckled. “I just like cucumber and Indian food.”

“Fair enough.”

Harry picked up one of his quilts and sat down in bed beside Y/N, draping it over himself so she could have the duvet for herself. He bit into his half of the cucumber, completely unfazed as his eyes fell on the telly. Y/N tried not to laugh, but he looked so incredibly cute, munching on his cucumber and smiling at something Rob Brydon said. He must’ve noticed her not eating, because he looked down at where she laid in bed, raising his eyebrows.

“You weren’t hungry?”

“It’s not that.”

“It’s honestly refreshing.” Harry took another bite. “I love it.”

That made her smile and she took a bite of her cucumber as well, Harry watching her as she chewed and then swallowed.

“Well…? Your verdict?”

“It’s just a cucumber.”

Harry rolled his eyes, making Y/N laugh again. “You’re humiliating.”

“Says the person who eats half a cucumber before bed!”

“I’m quirky!”

Laughing again, the two fell into comfortable silence as they watched the rest of the Would I Lie To You episode. Though the idea of eating half a cucumber hadn’t been very appealing to begin with, it did make her feel a bit better. She didn’t know she’d been hungry till now, the cucumber and the two glasses of water had done a well enough job to fill her stomach up before bed, so she didn’t bother asking Harry if she could make herself a toastie. Instead, Y/N found her eyes falling shut, her entire body relaxing completely. All the worry and the paranoia and the fight earlier all came together now, making her so tired she could barely stand to keep her eyes open. Her entire body ached with the effort it took to stay awake. She stayed as close to the wall as possible, where she could look out across the dimly lit lightkeeper house.

Y/N felt the move as Harry reached out to the windowsill. He sat back, screwing the lid open, revealing a balm of some sort. He rubbed his middle finger in it, slowly sliding it along the thick balm till his finger was wet with it. Y/N bit her bottom lip. For some reason, she thought he was going to smear it across his own lips, some sort of cream to help keep his lips moisturised. No, instead Harry dragged his finger under his eyes. Not directly under his eyes, but along his cheekbones, slowly and gently.

“What’s that?” Y/N asked through a yawn.

Harry looked away from the telly and at her. “Face cream.”

“You put it on before bed?”

“It helps me sleep, it’s made of lavender and apricot. Both are supposed to help you fall into a deep sleep.”

“Can I try?”

“Yeah.” Harry handed it over, leaning his head back against the headboard, watching Y/N as she smelled it.

“Lush.”

“It is.”

Y/N rubbed her finger in it, putting it along under her eye. She was aware Harry was keeping an eye on her, but she pretended to find the programme incredibly interesting right then. She heard a slight chuckle.

“Not directly under your eyes,” Harry said. “Not there.” He leaned over, taking a delicate grip of her wrist and moving her hand down. “Here.” His hand moved upward to cup hers, his little finger, ring finger, and middle finger hooking themselves tenderly between her thumb and index. His index rested on top of hers as he guided her hand slowly and gently, tipping his head to the side to rest against the headboard while he concentrated. She didn’t dare look away from the telly, too overwhelmed to do anything but let him help her.

“Then the other eye,” he mumbled, telling her what was going to happen next. Because without warning, he dipped his finger in the balm Y/N was holding, swirling his finger slowly around till it was moist. When he did that, she simply could not help herself, and her eyes fell to look at his hand, taken aback by what was happening. However, she didn’t move or tell him to stop when Harry brought his hand up, sliding it over her cheekbone. Soft, slow, graceful. A prickling hot sensation followed where he touched, slowly spreading through her entire body. She looked away from the balm and at Harry, the second she did, he glanced back at her. A slight breath left her lips, Harry’s eyes falling to them. She sat up, finding the lid and placing it back on the balm. She handed it back to Harry.

Harry took it, placing it back in the windowsill before he got up from bed. Y/N lay back down, quickly checking the pulse on her neck because she knew her heart was beating hard. If it beat hard enough, would it somehow make the bed creak? Was it possible her heartbeat made her entire body shake like that? Just in case, Y/N switched so she was laying on her side. She watched as Harry turned the telly off, the room falling into complete darkness. Y/N closed her eyes, realising for the first time in a minute or two how sleepy she actually was.

It took a second or two before she felt the bed move and creak as he sat down. He shuffled till he was comfortable laying on his side facing her. Only reason she knew that was because she heard his content sigh and felt his breath on her face. It had been quiet for a minute or so before Harry whispered her name.

“Hm?” she asked, opening her eyes slightly. She could not make out much, but she thought she might’ve seen him looking at her. That might also just be her imagination playing tricks on her.

“I’m sorry about earlier,” he said, his voice a whisper.

“I’m sorry, too.”

“I know you’re just looking out for me and I’m sorry if it was embarrassing for you when I did that.”

“I’m sorry I criticised her for leaving you when it was bad for her mental health, I just know that it can’t have been easy to have been in your shoes just then, so that break up can’t have been easy to deal with on top of everything else.”

Silence stretched on for a few seconds. “It wasn’t. But I don’t blame her for leaving if that was what was best for her.”

Y/N closed her eyes again. “Okay.”

She felt the bed move again as Harry found a new position that was more comfortable. The pillow she rested her head on moved a bit, she reckoned he slung his arm over the top of her head.

“Goodnight, Y/N,” Harry said, voice slurring now as well.

“Night.”

“My alarm will go off at 3am, by the way.”

She smiled. “I know.”

She heard him let out a slight breath, sounding like a small chuckle, and the next thing she knew, she was having the slumber of her life.

NEXT UPDATE: Sunday, 27 September, 9PM GMT!

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#harry styles #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles x you #harry styles x reader #harry styles smut #harry styles fluff #harry styles angst #harry styles fic #1dff #:DDDDDD PLS CO COME CHAT :DDDDD

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professional-benaddict · 4 years

Note

Mafia Daddies Stephen and Tony taking over a smol café for a meeting and Peter is their waiter >:)

ive left jensen babe hanging with this for wEeks but i think i managed to scramble together smth!! and that smth includes Tony being an absolute Whore and having a Danger Kink™️

Mafia bosses and husbands Stephen and Tony, bodyguards Steve and Bucky, waiter Peter, mafia aus, threats and use of violence, manipulation, Tony just being That Bitch and embarrassing his husband

“Why are we here?” Bucky’s tone is as grumpy as ever, and Tony rolls his eyes. The man had practically hissed the words out, putting as much force into it as possible without angering his bosses too much, nor causing a big scene.

“You know, the Petersons have been causing all sorts of trouble for us. We’re making a plan of action.” Stephen replies, so that Tony does not have to. The aggression in Bucky’s voice rolls off Stephen like water on a duck. He is not bothered at all, which he rarely is. That is what makes him a good boss, not that Tony does not have other qualities that makes him just as good as his husband. They complete one another in that way. And in a way, Bucky and Steve do that as well, in their roles as the second pair in charge, just below Stephen and Tony.

“No, I mean, why are we here?” Bucky rephrases. If Steve were with him, he would give Tony that infamous look, which signals that he is questioning him. Even with the blonde guard on stand by, and not present with them, Tony feels his presence along with Bucky’s snarky question.

Out of all the places in the world, the three men are meeting in a café. The place is small, but designed purposely in a way to maximise the space completely. It is almost impressive how much they have fit in here without the space feeling like it is suffocating you. Instead, it feels homey, and it smells like fresh coffee and baked goods.

It is just after 8 am, so the morning rush is coming to an end as the sun rises higher and its’ rays do not feel as harsh and blinding anymore. Still, Tony is wearing his sunglasses where he is sat next to his husband Stephen. Besides being very stylish and framing his face nicely, the shades serve another purpose. It lets Tony’s scanning and calculating gaze go undetected. And just like he was briefed the day before, the café is does not have any security cameras. In addition, the gang of four have taken up the largest table in the café, and with how intimidating they look in their black clothing, no one will sit down next to them on the surrounding tables. No cameras, no prying gazes nor eavesdropping ears. Perfect. However, they will wait a few more minutes before starting on the agenda of the their meeting. They have not ordered their coffee of choice yet either.

“Hi! What would you like today? Black, no sugar? Gotcha!”

The sound of a chirpy voice catches Tony’s attention, and he turns his head a bit, as if to see what Stephen is doing on his phone, but actually his gaze is looking somewhere beyond his husband. He looks towards the counter of the café where an adorable, 20-something boy is stood in a dark brown apron, fixing the coffee machines with the speed and precision of an experienced worker. The warm brown curls on top of his head bounce around his ears and the nape of his neck as he moves. They look silky, freshly washed, and perfect to tug on. The boy perfectly fits the profile Tony got from the briefing. This is him, the cute boy who will be covering the café all by himself until 10 am. The place is all theirs, and Tony smirks to himself before finally looking away as the boy hands the finished coffee to the waiting customer.

“Because, I want to have a good cup of coffee, and some fun.” Tony tells Bucky to answer his question about why they are at the café and not at base. “Is that too much to ask, Barnes? I know you don’t smile often, but you must at least be able to appreciate a good, hot drink now and then.”

“I do like to drink.” Bucky replies dryly.

“I don’t mean that way.” Tony corrects.

“All right.” Stephen cuts off by rising from his seat. Always the diplomat, Tony thinks. “I’ll go and order. What would you like?”

Tony and Bucky make their requests in, and watch as Stephen heads to the counter. He returns a few moments later, and once more the group of three fall silent and watch the boy make their coffee behind the counter. There is no one else in the café now, just the way that they planned it all.

“He’s cute.” Tony comments to Stephen quietly. With the way Stephen is sat sideways next to him, Tony cannot see his husband’s eye roll, but he knows he did it anyway.

“You just had one yesterday. Keep it together. We’re just here for business, so please… Don’t mess it up.” Stephen replies quietly, and looks over at Tony to show that he is serious. But, Tony makes no promises, and sits back to watch the boy behind the counter again. Thanks to the sunglasses, Tony does not have to politely avert his gaze when the boy heads over with their drinks on a tray. The man is unapologetic with his staring, and if he was a cartoon character, he would be drooling long ago.

“Here you go! Who’s got the espresso?”

Tony lifts his hand a bit, and thanks the boy as he sets his drinks down. Stephen and Bucky do the same with their black coffees that the waiter sets in front of them.

“If you don’t mind me asking, what’s your name, sweetheart?” Tony asks the boy.

“Peter! Peter Parker, sir.” The boy replies with a bright smile, tucking the empty tray under one arm. “Been working here for just over two years now, and I love it.”

“Really? You seem like a natural, that’s for sure.” Tony continues, letting his sunglasses slide down the bridge of his nose to peer at Peter from above them.

“Oh, thanks!” Peter beams, seemingly a bit taken off guard by being complimented by a complete stranger. “Well, I really do hope you enjoy your drinks. If there’s any problems, I’d be happy to re-make it.”

Next to Tony, Stephen clears his throat after taking a sip of his drink. He shoots his husband a warning look, then adds quietly.

“Honey…”

“Oh, I’m sure it is absolutely perfect.” Tony continues without caring at all about Stephen’s warning. Bucky is sat quietly with his drink, since he has no business to interfere with this, not when he is second in charge.

Flattered once more, Peter laughs a little nervously, but does not shy away from Tony’s eyes. Just when he turns to leave, Tony stops him by pressing his gun against the boy’s hip. Peter halts when he feels the harsh pressure, and looks down at the gun with a mix of horror and confusion. His mouth gapes when he looks at Tony, just a second away from asking what is going on. Tony speaks before he has time to do so.

“There is one thing… Would you mind switching the sign so it says it’s closed? We’re about to talk some serious business, and we’d hate to be disturbed.”

“I’m- I’m going to ask you to leave.” Peter states, and the two other men raise their heads at the command. Stephen scans the scene, where Tony and Peter are frozen and looking at one another intensely. It is almost like, Tony is holding the boy at gunpoint, and Stephen sighs audibly when he realises that his husband is doing exactly that.

“Honey.” Unlike earlier, Stephen’s voice is sharp now. Once more, Tony ignores his husband’s warnings.

“We haven’t even enjoyed the coffee you made us, sweetheart. I’d hate to let something so good just go down the drain. That would be a shame, don’t you agree?” Tony continues, still looking at Peter through his sunglasses. “So, why don’t you-“ Tony halts mid-sentence and from beside him, Stephen tenses and sits up.

“Peter… Put it down.”

The boy has got the sharp blade of a pocket knife up against Tony’s throat, resting just above his trachea, and with the tip pointing at the artery on the side of his neck. The knife is cheap, probably bought somewhere online, but it is quite beautiful still. Both the blade and handle have a multicolour holographic effect, and it looks like the metal and plastic have been dipped in oil. But, aesthetics aside, the knife is still dangerous, at least as long as it is pressed against one’s neck.

“I’m not doing anything.” Peter stresses through gritted teeth, and challenges Tony’s gaze by looking at him even more intensely. The older man can see that he has tucked away his fear somewhere, because all he can see in his brown eyes now is rage. And incredible beauty.

“Well, whatever it is that you are, or aren’t doing, you look stunning while doing it.” Tony drawls with a purr, shooting Peter his best and cockiest smirk. The boy looks amused, but only for a split second before adding more pressure to his blade.

Based on the briefing of this café, Tony would never have thought it would end up like this. The chirpy and bouncy personality is just a facade. The little bastard has been armed this whole time. Tony takes it as a compliment that he was the only that brought out the self-defence response in the waiter boy. But, as fun as this is, it is still a bit humiliating to be put on the spot in front of his second in-command, Bucky. The guard might just be plotting a coup right in this moment, considering just how weak Tony is being now. Time to turn that around.

“Okay, sweetheart, how about we make a deal?” Tony offers, but suddenly averts his gaze to the door. Another customer has entered, and both he and Peter hide their weapons.

For a second, Peter hesitates with heading back to the counter. It is like he is asking Tony permission to leave, or rather daring him to stop him from doing his job. Accepting defeat, for now, Tony nods towards the counter, and Peter heads off without a word.

“You, fucking idiot!” Stephen hisses to Tony, just quiet enough for the other customer to not hear.

“Quite an eventful morning, huh? Perhaps I underestimated this place.” Bucky muses with a chuckle and sips at his coffee. “We should definitely come back. And this coffee is quite good, actually.”

“Shut it. He’s coming back.” Stephen points out in a hushed whisper.

It seems like the customer sensed an uncomfortable atmosphere and left before Peter could ask if they wanted anything. For a second it looks like the waiter is leaving as well, but he just heads to flip the card saying ‘open’ to ‘closed’ instead. Still, Tony takes note on how the boy does not lock the door. If he had a nose like an apex predator, he could probably catch the scent of fear from the boy.

“You’re scaring away my costumers.” Peter states bravely, crossing his arms as he stops by Tony and his gang’s table.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Tony coos condescendingly. “Do you need some extra tip to make up for it? I must say, your coffee was excellent, but-“

“Ten.”

“Ten dollars?”

“Ten thousand.”

Stephen sputters over his coffee.

“What do you-“

“For all the trouble you’ve caused, and for me being quiet about everything. And don’t pretend like you don’t have that kind of money, because you do. So, give me it, and then get out of here.”

Tony chuckles once, then he laughs merrily, but Peter does not falter.

“With what? You can’t threaten me, sweetheart. You’ve got nothing, so we can just walk out of here. And I think we will do just that.” Tony says and claps his hands together to signal that this conversation is over. He rises along with his husband and guard, but suddenly the man stumbles back into his chair. The waiter just tripped him? “What the fuck-“

“Sure, walk out.” Peter starts with a smile, but his face quickly drops into a death stare. “And I will turn over the video I recorded on my phone of you threatening me to the police.”

“You-“

“I started recording as soon as you came in. I knew you guys were trouble, and look? I was right. So, ten thousand. Now.”

“You, little shit…” Tony says through gritted teeth, but a hint of a smirk still lingers on his lips as he gazes at Peter in front of him.

How did he get so lucky?

“Steph, darling, could you write the waiter a cheque? And add my number on the back of it.”

“I won’t call you.” Peter deadpans.

“Oh, I think you will.” Tony chuckles, then adds in a lower, and much more sinister tone. “I’m not done with you, and you’re not done with me.”

If Tony could not smell the fear on Peter before, he definitely does it now. And he loves it.

#my prompts #jensen babe #mafia!tony #starker #ironspider #starkerstrange #ironstrange #tony stark x peter parker #tony stark x stephen strange #tony stark #peter parker #stephen strange #james bucky barnes #ask

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page-doctor-bekker · 3 years

Text

First Encounter - Lymphoblastic!au

(A/N) First fic for my lymphoblastic!au! Enjoy! This is really just setting up for the rest of the fic, so it's not the most interesting thing ever. It sets up the dynamic though!

"So here's my digs right now," Ava chuckled, showing the FaceTime camera the full span of the room, "This is my first time in the new Oncology ward, the room is nice, the view is shit, and everything..." She pointed and zoomed in at the door handle, then at an unstable chair, "Is suicide proof."

Connor laughed, "Well, you can't say it's for no reason!"

Ava's brief stint in the psych ward at Gaffney Chicago Medical Center was proof of that.

"Well, yeah, it's nice that they thought of that," She rolled her eyes, and sat back down on her bed, "The new mattresses are comfy."

"They're some fancy memory foam or something," Connor shrugged, sipping his coffee, "They splashed out on them. I guess a chief complaint of Oncology patients is lack of sleep."

"Maybe that would improve if they didn't shine flashlights in our faces all the time. I would like to die in peace."

There was an uncomfortable silence.

"It's a joke, Connor," She said, weakly, "Laugh."

Connor gave a forced laugh, and Ava started to laugh herself. Connor's laugh grew harder, and more real.

"Hey, I've gotta get to work," Connor said, through his laughter, "I'll pop up and say hello when I get the chance."

Ava glanced out the window, "Alright," She said after awhile, "I'll see you then."

They hung up soon after, and Ava was alone with her thoughts, and her seemingly endless headache. She pulled off her wig, something she hadn't had the chance to do since she got to the hospital. She peeled each piece of wig tape off, wincing as it pulled at her skin. She never bothered wearing a wig in the hospital, even as a young teenager.

She collapsed into bed, pulling her weighted blanket over her and sighing.

Any time she was admitted she always brought her own blankets and pillows. They helped her feel at home. And every admission brought a significant risk of death, and if she was dying, she was going to die under the comfort of her own blankets.

Call it childish, but she brought her own stuffed animal too. A bear her mom bought her when she was first diagnosed.

She hugged the bear close to her chest, and curled around it. Her head pounded, and she felt a pang of... Something, an emotion, deep in her chest.

There was a knock on her door, and it was opened seconds later. Ava never understood why doctors knocked if they were just going to open the door anyways.

"Hey, you're going to have a roommate in the next few hours," A nurse that Ava recognized from a few admissions ago, spoke, "Please, please be nice. I obviously can't tell you anything, but just keep in mind what your first admission was like for you."

That stuck with Ava.

"Mama," Ava's voice shook. She widened the bathroom door, letting light spill into the room. Her now-bloody hospital gown hung off of her, and the light jolted her mom awake.

"Avie? What happened?"

"I don't know," Her voice heightened in fear, holding the blood-soaked tissue to her nose, "Can you call the doctor please."

Ava's mom put her glasses on and looked around, "Moeder van God, what happened to you?"

"My nose," Ava sniffled, spitting out blood from her mouth. There was blood everywhere - Her gown, her hands, her face, the floor, her bed...

"We need a doctor!" Ava's mom called out, pushing the call button on the wall and rushing to her daughter, "Quickly!"

A nurse came in a few minutes later, "Page Dr. Sal," The nurse yelled out into the hall and flicked the overhead light on, "It's okay sweetie, we're going to get you cleaned up."

Ava was sobbing at this point, shaking at the sight of her own blood, "Why isn't it stopping?"

Sarah was wheeled into the room at around lunch time, at the same time that the meal cart came around. The meal cart nurse set Ava's lunch down on her bed tray, and set Sarah's lunch on her side table.

Sarah looked pale, and thin. She had a big, ugly bruise on one of her arms, and a second smaller bruise on her opposite hand. They had her IV line on the thumb-side of her forearm, and a saline infusion running into it.

"Ava, your chemotherapy will be set up in..." The nurse bringing Sarah glanced at the clock, "Half an hour? Probably as soon as you're done eating. I'll come back in just a minute to give you your pre-medication, and then we'll start once those meds kick in."

Ava nodded, opening her food. Ah, breakfast for lunch. Two mildly soggy pieces of french toast with strawberries, a little cup of syrup, a cup of apple juice with a foil lid creatively labeled "Apple Juice", and about half a cup of scrambled eggs.

One thing she'll reluctantly compliment Gaffney on is the food. Reluctantly. Very reluctantly. For the most part this hospital frustrated her to no end and if she never came here again she would be thrilled, but the food was not terrible. Which was a glowing review, as far as Ava was concerned.

Ava snapped a picture and sent it to Connor's Snapchat. A tradition, to send him her hospital meals before eating and then send him a rating when she finished.

"Is the food here okay?"

Ava looked up at Sarah, who was now inspecting her food.

"Ah, it's not terrible, but hospital food is never great."

"I wouldn't know," She laughed weakly, "I've never even been to a hospital before," She confessed.

"Lucky you," Ava announced, "The french toast is easily the best out of all of the meals. I think I've tried almost all of them," She paused for a moment, poking her straw through the foil lid of her apple juice, "I've also tried the nearby restaurants that deliver here. Some of them throw in free delivery if you tell them you're in the oncology ward. Cancer kid perks," She joked, and Sarah sat in uncomfortable silence.

They ate quietly.

The nurse showed back up a few minutes later with several syringes in hand, "Ready Ava?"

Ava nodded, and fished her brand-new triple-lumen PICC line (the doctors really hooked her up with the good line) out of her blankets, "Ready as I'll ever be."

The nurse pushed Benadryl first, which made Ava's head feel heavy. She always felt like she had to consciously remember to breathe when she had IV Benadryl - It hit so much harder than oral Benadryl.

Zofran came next. She felt tired, but she really wouldn't be able to gauge the effects until her infusion started.

"We'll run the antibiotics through the port so they hit the bacteria directly, and we'll run your chemo and anything other than the antibiotics through your PICC," The nurse explained, "We want to eradicate this bug but we're concerned about the mass in your brain... We don't want to stop chemo and give it a chance to grow bigger."

Ava nodded, watching the nurse finish off her line, "When will my infusion start?"

The nurse looked at the clock, "Probably about one o' clock, about half an hour from now."

Ava nodded, and continued to eat after the nurse finished using her line.

She finished right before the nurse came back in to start her infusion, a clear bag with a bright yellow label, "CHEMOTHERAPY DRUGS", with a radioactivity symbol. Out of the corner of her eye, Ava saw Sarah pale at the scary label.

"Have fun," The nurse joked, and Ava rolled her eyes.

"Thanks, I'll try."

Sarah watched the medicine flow into Ava's line, and almost felt an urge to cry.

"Would you stop gawking at me?" Ava snapped.

"Sorry, sorry," Sarah squeaked, moving her eyes back to her phone.

"What's your diagnosis?" Ava pried, curious as ever.

"Leukemia."

Ava sighed, annoyed at the lack of specificity, "What kind?"

"I don't know, does it matter?"

Ava huffed, "Of course it matters. They're different."

"What are all the types? Maybe I'd recognize it when I hear it?"

"I can't list every single type of Leukemia," Ava rolled her eyes, "Is it acute or chronic?"

"What's the difference?"

"Nevermind," Ava muttered.

"I'm sorry that I'm not a doctor," Sarah replied, sarcastically, "I mean, what do you want me to do? I was diagnosed yesterday. I spent the night in the emergency room. Do you want me to become a doctor while I'm laying in a pool of my own blood?"

Ava felt a pang of guilt.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Bekker, your daughter has Acute Myeloid Leukemia, a type of blood cancer."

"Sorry I just..." Ava's voice grew small, "I didn't know."

"Yeah, whatever. It's fine. I'm going to take a nap."

"Okay."

#lymphoblastic!au #ava bekker #sarah reese #reesker #ava bekker x sarah reese #chicago med #chicago med writing #usercj #crockettstiddies #purple-dahlias

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blacktinnedpeaches · 3 years

Text

i do feel quite low atm + cried on ben about it for a while earlier

he had to request that i talked about it again and im continually frustrated by myself for forcing a distance that doesnt need to be there - like literally what is the purpose? he has to ask me all the time to not write my problems on tumblr INSTEAD OF talking to him about them irl. and i just find it so fucking hard to talk irl?! :/ i guess the solution is not to just refuse to do things that are hard for me tho (as usual) so i did talk to him about it

im continually stressed / triggered i suppose by this bullshit w/ my sister and the knowledge we’re going back to my parents for christmas has compounded that a lot bc im terrified of my mum commenting on my body, and im terrified of being compared to my extremely thin sister, and i have been weighing myself 2x a day to check that the number is going down rather than up. i did tell ben this and he was immediately in favour of throwing the scales out but i feel that id be more anxious if i didnt know the number. i know how this all sounds, and it sounds like that bc that’s how it is. it’s already a deeply sad + unhealthy mindset to be in, but i don’t know how to get out of it. i’m fine + eating normally, but im sad that i’m doing this again. (by ‘this’ i mean weighing myself in the morning and evening + thinking constantly about my weight + body) and ashamed :(

also as ive mentioned i feel very battered by the relationship OCD + the gay thoughts OCD (lol irl at that phrase but like... it’s what it is) and i spent a while last night doing absolutely stupid shit in response - like reading all these articles about comphet, measuring my index and ring finger WITH A RULER bc of that study that suggested lesbians are more likely to have a longer ring finger than index finger. and just like being totally batshit about it. ben asked for a list of thoughts but going into detail about that specifically just felt Not Doable so ill probably do my usual thing of writing him an email about it lol. im not a fucking lesbian holy shit! the absolute irrationality!!! i did also do some googling + found a number of bisexual women in a similar thought spiral which was quite interesting - the same kind of shit - terrified of being a victim of comphet, terrified of their relationship not being ‘valid’, terrified of not being ‘true to themselves’. i guess i have to wonder how many of them actually have gay thoughts OCD and how many of them genuinely are victims of comphet bc i do bet it’s a non-zero number. however that’s not a very helpful thought for me specifically lol

plus this latest chess bullshit is also just like depressing me to my core bc i have to spend a significant portion of my online life in a group w/ people who like even if previously i thought they had my back they clearly fucking dont. i do think some of them do, but i thought the mod i talked about yesterday did as well so like fucking hell maybe none of them actually do :| and that’s a really desperately sad thought to have when i do despite my understanding of the situation desperately want to be around to help improve the chess situation wrt women. its just fucking sad and too depressing to even think too much about

anyway. i daresay this is kind of all due to the shit about my sister at its core bc i feel like i was fine before that all kicked off. i am gonna think of another diorama to complete bc i always feel much much happier when im working on an art project + i havent been doing one since i finished the last one, and i think i’ll feel much better once i start up something else. other than that: i dunno, just gonna keep keeping on

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bqstqnbruin · 4 years

Text

I wanna be like you

Alright y’all, I have 200 pages of reading to do by Tuesday, a paper and two discussion posts to do by tomorrow, and another three papers due by Tuesday so naturally I wrote a fic about Brock based on this photo. It’s shorter than what I’ve been posting recently (~1.6k I think?) but I still low key love this.

I hope y’all like it!

___________________

Your very first family vacation was supposed to be relaxing, fun, and was definitely a much needed break from the reality of work and having to constantly clean up after a toddler and your husband. It was not supposed to start every morning with the same argument and whining from Brock when he knew what the outcome was going to be anyway.

You were getting Noah dressed, your two-year-old rugrat squirming around while trying and failing to fight the fact that you were making him wear a shirt while Brock finished up in the bathroom.

Brock comes out, towel around his waist, hair wet and shaggy as he sits down on the bed, ignoring the fact that he was now getting the clothes you laid out for him slightly wet.

“Babe, get up,” you tell him, lifting him off the bed as Noah started jumping around the room. “Noah, don’t do that, you’ll get hurt.”

“Why?” Brock asks. Gesturing to the clothing on the bed, he groans. “Why are you making us do this?” He hated, more than anything, that you were making him match with his son while your outfit was completely different. For someone on an NHL team where the only difference between what they were wearing was the number and name on their backs, he hated matching with other people.

“So if he gets lost, it’ll be easier to remember what he’s wearing,” you tell Brock, getting Noah down from the bed so he doesn’t jump on it and hurt himself.

“I’m an adult, why can’t you let me wear what I want?” he whines, going over to his suitcase to pick out another outfit.

“Do it,” you shrug, knowing he wouldn’t win, “For every single outfit in your suitcase, Noah here has a matching one.” You were so nervous about Noah wandering off while you were out for the day that you almost canceled the trip to Austin, Texas, multiple times. Your mom had told you that when you were little on family vacations, she would dress you and your brother all in the same color since it made it easier to describe you or to find you since she could look down and remember what you were wearing. Since Brock told you that you were in charge of packing, that meant you were in charge of Noah and Brock matching. “Babe, come on, he loves wearing stuff like you do. Remember the first time he went to one of your games with a jersey on and he got so excited?”

Brock looks at you, unconvinced, even though you had this same conversation yesterday. “Noah, honey, don’t you want Daddy to wear this shirt?”

“My shirt!” he yells, giggling and trying to grab it from you.

“See? Please?” you beg, sticking out your bottom lip. “For me? For Noah?”

He rolls his eyes, a smile covering his face as he grabs the shirt from you, “Fine, but only because,” he stops, kissing you, “you and him are the most important people to me.”

You can’t help but smile as he goes back into the bathroom to get ready, leaving you to keep Noah occupied until he is. He comes out of the bathroom, dressed in a white shirt and blue shorts, just like Noah. “Noah, look what Daddy has on!” you say, turning your son around to face his father.

“Daddy!” he yells, running towards him with his arms up, signaling that he wanted to be picked up.

Brock lifts him up off the group, Noah squealing in delight as Brock lifts him above his own head, bringing him down to kiss him all over his little face while Noah’s small arms wrap around his neck in a hug.

“Aww, my boys,” you coo, loving the sight of Brock looking at his son with so much love in his eyes, while Noah looked at his dad like he was the best man in the world. “Are we ready to go?”

Brock nods, grabbing what he needs to go explore the city, you taking what you need for Noah. “Noah, do you want Mommy to push you or do you want to walk with Daddy?” he asks. Noah buries his face in Brock’s shoulder, Brock letting out a laugh.

The three of you leave the room, ready to go and wander around, your mind going crazy at the thought of Noah wandering off somehow. “Babe, are you ok?” Brock asks, seeing the worried look that was covering your face.

“What if he walks away from us at some point and we lose him?” you panic, rubbing Noah’s back as he starts to fall asleep in Brock’s arms.

“Do we need to put him on one of those weird child leashes?” he asks, clearly unamused at the fact that this was something you were genuinely scared about.

“No, those are creepy. Let’s put him in the stroller and go find some food?” you ask, trying to take your mind off what was probably your worst nightmare.

“My buddy said Kerbey Lane was good, especially with Noah, here,” Brock suggests, using one arm to hold your now sleeping son and the other to reach for his phone to figure out how to get there.

“And then what about that toy museum? I’m sure he’d love that,” you tell Brock, who nods as he hands you his phone, taking your hand and leading you out.

Noah wakes up on your walk to breakfast, squirming out of Brock’s arms and begging to be put down. “Do you want to sit in the stroller?” Brock asks him, only to get a fierce head shake ‘no’ from his son. Brock puts him down, letting him walk. Noah’s small hand can only wrap around one of Brock’s fingers as he holds on to his father’s pointer finger.

In true Brock fashion, he lets Noah believe that he’s strong enough to drag his daddy down the street by the one finger, Noah giggling as his small legs let him run as fast as they can carry him. Listening to Brock encourage his son the way he was, his laugh ringing through the street made your heart burst with love.

You get to Kerbey Lane, ordering food and getting it in a thankfully short amount of time considering how much Noah was squirming around ready to eat, both you and Brock clearly needing coffee in an IV just to be able to keep up with the amount of energy your two-year-old seems to have. You sit there, enjoying yourself, admiring the way Brock’s smiles reached his eyes, nearly closing at the sight of Noah putting his pancake on his face, probably trying to make it into a mask. Brock takes the second pancake while Noah is looking at you, tearing pieces up to make holes for Noah’s eyes, nose, and mouth, sliding it back in front of him before he has the chance to notice.

Noah shrieks with excitement, putting the mask pancake on his face and sticking his tongue out, sending the three of you into what was probably an inappropriately loud fit of laughter considering how many other people were around you.

“So what is at this toy museum?” Brock asks, paying your bill and gathering everything up to leave.

“There’s a bunch of toys on display, but I’m assuming you were smart enough to know that by the name,” you tell, him strapping Noah into his stroller, his feet kicking up and down as he tries to fight his way out of the buckles. “But they also have a bunch of stuff people can play with like old arcade games and stuff.”

“Hear that buddy?” Brock says, bending down to Noah, “Sounds like you get to play with cool toys today! Way better than what we have at home,” he tells him, looking up at you with a smirk on his face.

“Babe, whose fault is that? You paid for all those toys,” you fire back. He rolls his eyes, putting his arm around you and kissing the side of your temple as you set off for the museum. The entire walk there, Brock had his arm around you. It felt so, you don’t know, domestic? Is that even the right word? He was gone so many times during the year that you were often on your own when it came to Noah. Having him pretty much attached to your and your son was a much-welcome change to compared to the rest of the year. You loved it, even if he was annoying about wearing the same thing as Noah.

You get to the museum, pulling Noah out of the stroller and resting him on your hip as you start to wander the building. Brock seemed to be in his element, acting more like a child than his son while looking at the vintage toys. You get to a set of action figures, Brock going crazy over how many looked like the ones his dad had described to him when he was younger.

“Look, Noah,” Brock says, pointing to the superheroes, “You can be like them one day. Or like these guys,” he points to the G.I. Joes, “Or anything you want.”

Corny, you know, but you could help but melt at how Noah’s eyes lit up at Brock’s words. “I wanna be Daddy,” Noah says, reaching for his father who takes him in open arms.

You swear Brock’s eyes glass over with the beginning of tears, as he kisses Noah on the forehead. “And look, you’re already dressed like Daddy. You’re almost there, bub,” you say, rubbing your son’s back. You send Brock a look that says, ‘I told you so,’ him mouthing back, ‘thank you.’

#brock boeser #brock boeser imagines #vancouver canucks #vancouver canucks imagines #canucks #canucks imagines #nhl #nhl imagines #hockey #hockey imagines

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marswritingss · 4 years

Text

karasuno and nekoma’s manager with an ed and selfharm

req: um hello 👉🏼👈🏼 I saw you were doing emergency requests and, unless you're uncomfy with it, could i request karasuno and nekoma comforting their manager who has an eating disorder (anorexia) and/or self harms? ive been going through a tough time with my ed and self harm. if you feel uncomfortable writing this, its totally fine i understand! have a good day/night 💕

me: ofc baby! i’m glad you trusted me in this and i hope you know that you’re amazing and deserve to be happy. keep on going, if you’ve hit the bottom now you can only go better :)) if you ever need to talk just dm me or send it here anonymously :)

warnings: eating disorder and self harm,,, but it all ends up being fluff bc baby here needs it

oh god i’m here after finishing it i might have made it too angsty shit

also yes i’m still working on my other requests but as you’ve seen this is an emergency req and somehow i managed to pull out some ideas while i was taking a shower and come up with something as fast as i could

btw i feel i focused more in the ed part than in the self harm part so if you want me to rewrite this i'll do it gladly! <33

another note: at first i had written one paragraph in female, and i obviously had to change it, but i didn’t know how to change female volleyball team to something neutral, so i just created this miyagi under 18 volleyball group where you happened to play :))

karasuno

– ok what happened is that you used to do volleyball, though not in highschool, but in a group, because you had forgotten to sign up for the club and when you realised, it was too late

– but uH

– well

– it happened that you had to stop playing it because of an injury on your first year of highschool (you were a second year)

– kiyoko knew you because her cousin was friends with you, and when she learned that you did know volleyball, she didn’t hesitate to ask you to join her and yachi

– so there you were, one month after recruiting you, you had developed friendships with everyone and the whole team adored you

– but they didn’t know about your habits, and the pants and jacket you wore everytime to the gym covered enough to not look suspicious

– so daichi didn’t think there would be a problem about organizing a trip to the beach

– at first you were going to turn the invitation, but the look yachi, hinata and noya gave you made you bit your inner cheek and say yes

– well, you could always stay under the umbrella and read something, and maybe even talk with tsukki or ennoshita

– the point is, you weren’t going to show your thighs, much less take a bath. and you didn’t have a problem! your body had no reserves of fat, which made your body not be able to preserve any heat

– i’m pretty sure i read that you can’t preserve heat in your body which makes you grow more hair somewhere but if i’m wrong please call me out

– if hinata or yamaguchi asked you why were you wearing long jeans, you could just tell them you hadn’t shaved that day

– your plan was going to be alright, you had it under control

– so the day arrived.

– you were in a hoodie and jeans, just like you planned

– i mean, it wasn’t even summer, the volleyball idiots just happened to be too warm to be able to go to the beach in may

– so there wasn’t anything odd

– or so you thought

“pfff are you going to make a sandman y/n?” asked tsukki

“oh, no i-”

“yeah y/n! it’s too hot to be wearing hoodies!”

“oi! let her wear what she wants” said daichi

– bless him tbh

– so you sat in your towel and started thinking

"you have it all under control” you muttered to yourself, not knowing ennoshita was listening

“what?” he asked

“oh, it’s nothing” you brushed off

“stupid! you almost discover yourself!” you scolded in your mind

– appart from that. no one seemed to know anything

– so you sent the thought to the back of your mind and took out a book

– ahh it was a nice day

– you hadn’t had to eat anything and the coke you had had earlier was enough to keep you up so you didn’t have to ingest anything else, and you hadn’t had any urges so your wounds from yesterday were already healing

– but

– somehow, the temperature started rising

– and, without thinking about it, you rolled your sleeves a bit up

– suga almost fainted when he saw, and ennoshita had to keep him from going there and lecture you

– you hadn’t noticed any of this so you kept reading

“we should see how y/n behaves and talk to her accordingly” told ennoshita to suga, who nodded

– when you realised you had rolled up your sleeves, showing your skinny arm and some of your wounds, you panicked. but no one had told you anything, and you knew that if anyone knew they would’ve told you anything, so you reminded yourself to be more careful

– oh, how wrong you were

“do you want some onigiri, y/n?” kageyama asked, handing you one. it smelled amazing, and you had to dig your nails on your palms before denying

“no thanks” you said with a smile

“but these were made by my mom!” said hinata “you have to try them out!”

– one bite didn’t hurt, did it?

“yes it does” you told yourself

– you shook your head and told them you were going on a walk

– hopefully they’d be too distracted on eating that they wouldn’t think about it too much

– and tsukki, of all people, asked if he could go with you. you didn’t want to leave suspicions so you accepted

– you didn’t know, but he had realised that the amount of food you ate was too little, even for him, and that sometimes you seemed to make faces when noya would drag you by the arm

– so when he saw the two moms of the team panicking over you, and your rolled up sleeves, he confirmed it

“ennoshita-san, sugawara-san, i’ve seen you’ve realised about y/n... habits” he said. ennoshita looking at him in surprise. “i was thinking about talking to them later, since they’ll probably run away as soon as the two simpletons bring the food”

“mmmm” nodded suga. “be careful though, we don’t really know about how far the situation has gone”

– so there he was, walking with you asking himself how to bring the topic

– you were thinking about what excuse to use if he happened to know, when you felt your legs fail and almost drop you

– this looks like a tsukki hc wtf i’m sorry hol on

– anyway so this guy ends up dragging you and saying things you can’t even focus on because you don’t have the energy

– hinata and noya panic and ask if you’re going to be okay

– daichi calms them while suga and asahi help you sit down

“what happened?” asks

– you’re about to pull off an excuse when ennoshita talks lowly enough so only daichi suga asahi and you can hear

“can’t you see?” he says you think he’s disgusted but he’s actually worried and mad that no one had realised before “y/n isn’t okay, they haven’t eaten yet, and the wounds in their arms are affecting them

– you felt your tears appear

– suga tried comforting you by rubbing his hand in your back

“it’s okay, we’ll figure something out” he said

– then you started crying, and hinata panicked for the second time and ran to hug you

“i’m sorry i’m not enough” you said between sobs. you were frustrated with yourself and started to feel the urge to rip off the skin that had formed in your wounds

– both suga and daichi looked at you, while hinata hugged you tighter, as if you were going to leave

“what do you mean?” asked kageyama, he was behind asahi, who had been looking at you with pity

“i don’t want your pity” you thought, asahi smiled at you even though you probably had sent him a death glare

“i’m...” you started, but shut yourself as you didn’t know what to say.

“oi! y/n!” called tanaka, a bit harshly. daichi stiffened as he thought how tanaka was sometimes too brute with words “you’re beautiful as hell!” he said punching the air

“heck yeah!” said noya, jumping “you’re the most beautiful person i’ve seen!”

“y/n you’re so cute! when you enter the gym is like whaaaam and... uhhh” started hinata “and booooooom” he said flailing his hands around

– you laughed a bit

– daichi smiled relieved

– maybe the pair knew how to handle

– that day ended up you getting hugged by everyone and ennoshita staying with you while wathcing noya and hinata bully tsukki splashing water to him while yamaguchi screamed ‘tsukki!!!!’

“you know y/n,” he started. asahi was on your other side “you can always count on us” he said while smiling “you helped us getting back to volleyball, even though you were still on your club and probably thought some coward first years wouldn’t be worthy. i think we owe you that one” he said. you remembered that. he had stumbled across you, the intimidating first year setter who had saved the current Under 18 Miyagi prefecture Volleyball Club from lacking a setter, how you had heard sometimes. ah, you missed these times. you hadn’t entered the shit hole that was now, and your mood had always been bright.

– you smiled and muttered a “thank you”

– now, noya and tanaka keep track of you and how you’re feeling while ennoshita asks you how are you everytime your class ends, since you were in the same class.

– the third years now take turns to compliment you everyday. and i mean EVERY day

“hey y/n! you look very pretty today” says asahi while blushing. behind you, daichi and suga give him a thumbs up

“damn! these stats look really neat!” says hinata

“y/n was the one arranging them boke, of course they look neat” says kageyama

– everyday team hugs

– kiyoko hugs>>>>

– yachi ends up offering some of her food, but never complains nor pushes you if you’re not feeling like eating that day

– after a while, you start feeling way better, and even build up the courage to ask for help, which makes sugamama proud

– tanaka defo cries when you announce you’ll be visiting a therapist two days a week

– this turned to be ennoshita and tsukki hcs i’m so sorry-

nekoma

– so kuroo, being the eighty years old he is (and sometimes kind of a mom, even tho the official one is yaku), he always reminded everyone to eat their food and drink water, and being so persistent, he thought everyone took care of themselves, especially their precious manager that tora had been whipped by when he knew nekoma did in fact have a manager

– but oh, boy

– he didn’t know about your problems with food and how you punished yourself

– kenma already knew about it. he had found you in the gym bathroom when you were purging (ik the ones who purge are more tended to be bulimic, but i really didn’t know how to make this happen, sowwy) after eating for the first time in twenty hours a few months ago, but he had promised to not say anything as he knew these things weren’t to take lightly

– but he did check up on your mood and asked you if you felt better or worse than the day before

– he did in fact, felt bad about not being able to help you in any other way, but he genuinely didn’t know how to talk about it properly with you and he didn’t want to hit a nerve

– kuroo surprisingly hadn’t discovered anything, even though you weren’t the most secretive about it and he was quite intuitive in these topics

– until shinzen training camp

– the coaches had decided to pull a two weeks training camp, somehow, and, as always, your team was invited

– you weren’t worried, you had already gone through two years full of training camps and you were a pro at choosing the food at the cafeteria with the least calories, usually giving half of it to yukie

– the first week went alright. kenma kept sneaking to the sidelines to ask you how were you feeling that day, and yukie ate the halves of your food. so far, training camp was going quite well. you had had only felt a few urges you could perfectly satisfy by sinking your nails in your thighs, and brush it off as nervousness

– however, the second week was a complete disaster

– your thoughts hit you like the bus hit regina george, and ended up almost banging your head against the wall in order to shut down those feelings, and it only had been two hours since you had woken up

– as soon as lunch started, you felt like puking when you felt the smell of the food. not even the low calories noodles could shut the feeling

– so you ended up almost having a panick attack, which you were able to stop as soon as you felt the familiar numbness that had taken over your body countless times

– but you still ran away to calm yourself in a less crowded place

– the third years were worried. although they had been with you three years, they had never seen you run with such look in the face, and ended up sending kai to ask you, since they didn’t want to crowd and overwhelm you

“y/n?” asked while blushing because he was entering in the managers bathroom (bless him)

– he found you swinging yourself in the last bathroom, trying to block everything in your surroundings. there were tears in your eyes, now pressed and closed, and you were hugging yourself putting your forehead (which i wanna kith bc YOU DESERVE THE WORLD OKAY) against your knees and your face between your legs. you hadn’t seen him

– he didn’t move as he didn’t want to scare you, you seemed really really distressed, you were hyperventilating and rubbing your ahdns up your arms, trying to find some heat

– when you felt better, although you were still shaking, you saw him, smiling fondly in aim to ensure you that everything was going to be alright

“s-sorry...” you said, looking down. he looked at you like asking what were you talking about. “i... i uhhh... i ruined your lunch... sorry about that”

“oh! don’t worry about that y/n, how are you feeling right now?” he asked, he had crouched down to hug you and look at you, and was now rubbing the back of your hands in a really soothing way

“i don’t really know...” you said, lost

– and the other barged down but more lowkey

“y/n! are you okay? are you feeling alright?” asked yaku, looking at you worried

“yakkun” said kuroo, warning that he was in fact, acting out of his motherly instints and overwhelming you

– so you stayed there with them feeling more and more calmed until you built up the courage to get up and walk to the sink, where you splashed your face with water and let the cold of it relax you. you felt like you had to explain a few things, even though you had the feeling that they knew already

“i owe you guys an explanation” you said

“it’s okay y/n, you don’t owe us anything-”

“kuroo, i do” you said, sharply. you were familiar with them, and they had already seen you changning yourself (don’t even ask about this, it just happened in your first year when you hadn’t hit rock bottom and still felt alright with your body, so you hadn’t mind when the managers changing room was locked and you changed on the club room). but it didn’t mean they weren’t weirded out when you started pulling down your pants, showing them the scars and wounds that covered most of your skinny thighs.

– they were confused, and then, when they connectted the dots, concern took over their faces

“y/n...” said yaku, hugging you. it was weird by the fact that your pants were down, but you really didn’t mind at this point.

“it’s alright” you said, but the tears streaming down your face again said otherwise

“how much has this been going on?” asked kuroo, not sounding with an angry tone, but more of a concerned one.

“um...” you rubbed the back of your neck “ i started feeling the urges in the middle of the second year...”

– yaku tightened the hug, warming you

“it’s okay, you can count on us” he said

– when you felt better, lunch had already ended, but kenma had kept a tray with a bit of everything for you in case you needed something, which you did, but didn’t want to eat.

– but the look in kuroo’s face and the warming hand that kai had placed in your back made you feel better and helped you push down the feeling of grossness, so you took a bit of a few things

– the third years stuck around you the rest of the week, sending smiles or reassurance everytime you felt negatively

– none of the first years know anything, but kuroo has imposed a rule of not talking about certain topics such as body types or calories, and yaku ripped the posters of girls in bikinis off the walls of the clubroom

– tora doesn’t know the full story, but he now praises you (as he should) and is more careful with what does he say

– kenma keeps asking you how are you doing, with the addition of fukunaga looking at you with platonic love eyes (i hope y’all know what i mean or ima end up embarrashing myself-)

– kuroo tells you facts about health that make you feel better

“y/n, did you know that stress can give you bad headaches? take a relax day today” says one time, that day, practice ends up early even though it’s saturday (usually the toughest days) and the whole team goes walking around the city (kenma and you pet a cat and lev get shit on by a pigeon)

– shibayama hugs you daily, to which lev joins and inuoka and tamahiko

– the team helps you when you start your medication, and don’t hesitate to sit you down and take your duties when you feel low and have to take a rest, and when you tell them they don’t need you, yaku says “but we want to” heroically, and hands the stack of papers to kuroo

– aaa you (we) love them so much,,,

– hope i made you feel better! i’m still hesitant about some parts, but i wanted to finish it a soon as possible so i’d be able to post it hihi

– i’m still saying, if you need to talk or feel low, don’t doubt to dm me! i’m open about talking about anything, and i’d love to help in anything that’s possible 🥺. reminder too that you are loved and deserve to be happy, despite what you think! you’re beautiful and you don’t need anyone’s approval to feel as valid as the rest. you’ve got this! <3

#haikyuu!!#haikyuu x reader #haikyuu hcs #haikyuu x y/n #karasuno #karasuno x reader #karasuno hcs #karasuno x y/n #karasuno manager #manager reader #nekoma #nekoma x reader #nekoma x y/n #nekoma hcs #nekoma manager #emergency request

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