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cmyknoise · 2 years

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maybe it’s copium but i still hope cfiances gets a good ending, or at least for c!sapnap all three of them have gone through a ton but sapnap is time and time again put in the middle and he keeps getting the short end of the stick in literally every situation.

back a way long time ago he wanted to help & support l’manburg but couldn’t because 1) he was american and 2) dream & george wanted him on their side as a team.

during pogtopia, he watched as his best friend (dream) covered for tommy and even helped tommy to burn down the original eiffel tower build, which was for his and karl’s wedding/honeymoon.

during new l’manburg he’d not only heard his best friend say he doesn’t care about anyone, including him, and when confronted couldn’t be given a straight answer, he was asked to, in the case of tommy not being exiled, to help trap everyone inside new l’manburg which would’ve included his two fiances.

he watched as his best friend (dream) yelled at his other best friend (george) and revoked his kingship he’d been given. he also saw dream nearly kill quackity, his fiancé, because all of them wanted to follow in the footsteps of l’manburg with el rapids and dream gave them shit for it.

he may have been involved in the pet wars, but after the constant shit he’d been given by dream, and some heartfelt talks with tommy he decided to side with him on doomsday and fight dream, techno, and phil. he nearly killed techno after techno started attacking quackity.

after he’d decided to go with george and karl to create a kingdom where they could be safe, and where quackity would also be safe. but karl forgot to invite quackity. meanwhile quackity did the same thing with las nevadas.

cut to the final disc confrontation, where he was already seemingly suspicious of what the hell happened in exile, but he walked in on his ex-best friend almost killing two kids of whom, in his eye, didn’t do anything wrong or near deserving. he jumped in front of them and stood between them. he had to escort him to the prison.

he eventually visits dream in prison, dream refuses to talk to him other than to convince him to send a taunting message to ranboo. and to write in a book about how he’s going to break out. despite all the awful things dream has done, sapnap says he still loves him like a friend/brother but it’s because of that love that he can’t stand to see dream continue to hurt people how he is, so he promises that if dream ever breaks out he’ll kill him himself.

all the while the start of the whole eggpire thing happens. he has his dad (bbh) want to kill or corrupt him as well as he hears word from karl from how bbh almost did so to both quackity and him. they have a small bicker back and forth and he doesnt really talk to his father until he’s invited to the red banquet, he doesn’t show up (and we see from the red banquet that, if the eggheads had not been interrupted, bbh would’ve probably had his own son killed while under the influence of the egg).

while ALL of this is happening his fiancé karl is slowly losing more and more memories and it’s getting really bad. he doesn’t know if it’s living around the mushrooms or some other cause but he doesn’t know what to do. george who is also living with them is asleep most of the time and it concerns him. it makes both of them extremely defenseless at times. he makes it his vow then that he has to protect kinoko and his friends, even if it means he will die trying.

he hasn’t heard from quackity in months at this point and he eventually goes to talk with him, wanting desperately to have him back in his life because he isn’t sure what happened. he finds out there was a huge misunderstanding and tries to set it right only for quackity and karl to get into a massive fight. karl doesn’t remember quackity being his fiance at all and hates him with all he has, and quackity goes on about how all he wanted was to do something good for them. sapnap is caught in the middle where he can’t believe karl and he feels bad for quackity, but he can’t chose a side so he just stands there, and tries to talk to both of them. he’d be accepted in las nevadas so long as karl isnt there, and karl no longer wants to see quackity, and he doesn’t know what to do.

this i think has been retconned but if you want to count it he then gets the responsibility of the death book where he finds out he could potentially end the suffering of people and kill dream (if he manages to steal the revive book first), but it would cost his own life, all his lives. and at the time he was extremely willing to do this.

and NOW his best friend has broken out of prison and got away and he’s actively trying to hunt him down so he doesn’t hurt people, but he finds out he failed anyway because IMMEDIATELY after breaking out he chases down and tries to hunt tommy, and traps his house. he’s one of the only people to believe tommy and agrees to protect him.

c!sapnap has gone through SO much shit with so, so very little wins. and he’s stick in a limbo in between zone of his romantic relationship where he is probably going to be forced to pick a side. not to mention it’s looking like he’ll have to, or he’ll have to deal with his best childhood friend/brother dying and his whole situation with his father doesn’t even seem to be resolved.

c!sapnap needs a vacation and a break and a nap and on everything i hope he gets a good ending.

#dream smp #dsmp #sapnap #c!sapnap #analysis #lemon's stuff

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filmnoirsbian · 2 years

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that post about productivity made me feel so awful. as someone with debilitating anxiety and constant suicidality i already question whether im being gentle with myself or just being lazy on a daily basis. i already wonder why it's so hard for me to do things that come so easily to others. i already beat myself up for it and have horribly low self esteem because of it. op saying that someone who isn't living up to their idea of productivity is "living like a beast" is just mean. i also take issue with their mocking of the "just existing is enough" posts. i agree they can be annoying but i don't like the idea that people have to prove that they're "worth" being alive. i don't know. maybe im exactly the type of person op is talking about. it just sucks finding out that other people are judging you about things you already hate yourself for.

I mean this with the utmost compassion to what you're going through, because I realize it's difficult, but I genuinely believe it's better for everyone if we don't attach our own insecurities and fears to posts we see on the internet, especially when there's no real context to support that. Again, I do sympathize because tbh I've struggled a lot with delusional paranoia in the past, so I understand the impulse. But there are a lot of people reading a lot of things into that post which were not said.

Not said, for instance, was that you need to live up to op's idea of productivity. Instead, they said you should divorce the concept of productivity from the capitalistic ideal of work/monetization. Which is true. Capitalism has hijacked the concept of productivity. In reality, simply keeping yourself alive can be productive.

I think a lot of people are applying their own history with ableism--being made to feel lesser because of our struggles with mental illness, being called lazy when we're just barely surviving ourselves, etc--and I understand why. The post itself was not especially kind-worded, which I expect came from a spur of the moment irritation. But on social media, making an irritated spur of the moment post will almost always result in people misreading your intent. And sometimes that's the fault of op, because no matter your intent, your words and choices and the harm they may cause matter. But sometimes it really is the case of people attaching their own baggage to a conversation they misunderstand. I think in this case it's a mix of the two.

I certainly don't think people, disabled or not, shouldn't be allowed to prioritize rest in a world that seems intent to kill us through labor. A world obsessed with grinding 24/7, with monetizing each breath, and which charges you for each exhale. But there is a difference between rest and apathy, and I do believe that for many, apathy is a real concern. Not apathy towards other people, necessarily, though that is also a problem. But apathy towards your own life.

When struggling with things like depression, apathy can often become second nature. You lose interest in living. You stop doing the things you like to do. You stop engaging with the world around you. I think we can all agree that this isn't a good way to live, and I assume that this was what op was referring to.

I understand the appeal of saying "it's enough to just exist," but I fundamentally disagree. I don't think it's enough to "just exist." I don't think you can be happy passively going through the motions of living. I know it's difficult to conceive of doing anything else at this point in time for many of you, but I do truly want the best for you, and I believe that includes finding joy and enrichment in your life. Thank you for sending this message, and I hope at least some part of my response proves helpful. 💝

#asks #the bipolar disorder poem

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robininthelabyrinth · 3 years

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Unfettered (aka NHS goes feral) - part 3 - previous parts: on ao3 or tumblr pt 1, pt 2

Lan Xichen had the strangest feeling that something was going to happen.

He wouldn’t pretend that he had a touch of foresight – life had shown him the hard way how completely he lacked any sorts of skill in that direction– and there was nothing altogether unusual about anything that had happened in the past few days of the war. Lan Xichen was helping with so much more now than he had during the Sunshot Campaign, when he’d been able to be a little above it all as a mere courtier or a single but powerful scouting force, thanks in large part to his sect’s then-existing weakness and Nie Mingjue’s utter brilliance. Nowadays he had to deal with the endless drudgery of war administration: the clean-up before and after battles, the mechanics of feeding and supplying all the cultivators in their front lines, planning their next move and the next after that…

Nie Huaisang had received a message and stormed out, looking annoyed, but that wasn’t new, either.

There were many demands on his time, after all. Nie Huaisang might not have much experience at war on a personal basis, having largely (and willingly) been sidelined during the Sunshot Campaign, but he was a sharp study and an excellent judge of people. He managed their generals – selected for merit without any attention to what sect they were from, if any – with an iron fist that rivaled his control over his own disciples, and on top of the war there was also his extensive network of spies, his constant scrutiny of their supply lines, his supervision of internecine disputes between the sects…

The divisions between us will be the first place Jin Guangshan strikes, he had said – snarled, rather – at the last meeting between sect leaders, taking to task men twice his age without so much as the blink of an eye. I want this petty bullshit between you resolved, now, and I don’t care how many generations you’ve been fighting over it. If you don’t fix it, I’ll fix it for you, and I assure you that neither of you want that.

They’d resolved it.

After all, Nie Huaisang was right: no one wanted him to step in.

It was a little ironic, Lan Xichen thought. The entire war had started because of Jin Guangshan’s lust for power, his desire to be called Chief Cultivator – a term Nie Huaisang denounced, as Nie Mingjue had before him – and now it was Nie Huaisang to whom the cultivation world deferred without question.

People were afraid of him.

It still seemed a little ridiculous to Lan Xichen, as if at any moment someone would step in and say that it was all a joke that they’d all been taken in by. That Nie Huaisang was still the excitable little roly-poly puppy he’d always been, Lan Xichen’s good friend’s little brother: stubborn and cute and smarter than he pretended to be, interested in nothing but his art and his fans and his clothing, lazy and indolent and unabashedly happy in a way that had brightened Lan Xichen’s day to see, every time.

He wasn’t, though. And it was Lan Xichen that had helped make him into what he was now.

During his travels, he’d heard cultivators in the field referring to Nie Huaisang as the Pallbearer, obliquely calling him the virtuous mourner as if he were a death-god whose name should not be directly uttered lest it draw his attention – it wasn’t anything Nie Huaisang had accepted as a personal title, utterly inauspicious as it was, but if he didn’t take one soon, he’d be stuck with it. If he wasn’t already.

People were simply uncomfortable calling him Nie-er-gongzi the way they had before, and Lan Xichen didn’t blame them one bit – the Nie-er-gongzi of the past was unrecognizable in the man of today.

But neither could he blame Nie Huaisang for refusing the title of Sect Leader Nie as long as his brother still had a single spark of life in his body.

Nie Mingjue…

Lan Xichen missed him terribly.

He knew he didn’t have the right to – Nie Huaisang had made that clear enough – but he did. He missed his old friend, with his confidence and his kindness and his goodness. He missed having a confidant who esteemed him and who trusted him, who shared everything with him without a moment’s hesitation, who always tried his best and honored those who did the same.

He’d once, and only once, caught a brief glimpse of Nie Mingjue after everything had happened: he’d been in bed, pale as death, face quiet and slack and peaceful in a way it never was, with doctors surrounding him. At the time, they were working furiously to save his life as Nie Huaisang paced furiously outside the door, refusing food and only drinking enough water to replenish the tears that streamed endlessly down his face.

That had been early on, before they’d realized Nie Mingjue had lapsed into a deep coma from which there was no telling when or if he would awake and, even if he did, in what state he would be left in. That had been before Nie Huaisang had banned Lan Xichen from the Unclean Realm…banned everyone, really, hosting them anywhere else he could rather than allow them anywhere near his brother when he was vulnerable.

Before he’d slowly started giving up hope. Before they all had.

It’d been years, after all. Surely if Nie Mingjue’s indomitable strength could heal him, it would have done so by now?

Of course, even if Nie Mingjue did eventually wake up, it wasn’t as if Lan Xichen would get his friend back the way it had once been. Nie Mingjue had always been righteous to the point of rigidity, willing to make the hard choices to punish those who had done wrong no matter their identity, and Lan Xichen had failed him so thoroughly, so completely…

Guiltily, too, he knew that if Nie Mingjue woke up, he’d undoubtedly step up as general once more, coordinating everything the way he had during the Sunshot Campaign – and that meant they wouldn’t need to rely on Lan Xichen’s assistance anymore.

Nie Huaisang had made that clear, too.

Whoever had raised his ire by sending him that message that had pulled him away from their work together…well, they’d better have a very good excuse. Nie Huaisang hated to be interrupted, his temper as short as anyone in his family’s had ever been, and his tongue was more poisonous than Jiang Cheng’s.

Lan Xichen would know, being its most frequent target.

Nie Huaisang had never forgiven Lan Xichen in his part in preserving Jin Guangyao’s life, and lacking the actual assassin to rend to bits, he had grimly decided to make do with the accomplice. He needled Lan Xichen at every instance, taunting him with his failures and deficiencies, making nasty jibes and underhanded remarks that cut deep – and Lan Xichen deserved every single one of them.

Back then, it had been Lan Xichen who had hesitated, refusing to believe the truth. Refusing to believe that his then (and, perhaps, still) beloved A-Yao could ever do such terrible things of which he had been accused, either at his time in the Nightless City or the assassination of Nie Mingjue – he had pushed back, prevaricated, insisted on investigating more, finding out more…in the end the truth had come out in all its ugly wretched filthy glory and the only thing his foot-dragging and indecisiveness that he’d pretended was a devotion to justice had gotten him was Nie Huaisang’s endless disdain.

The worst of it, though, wasn’t the humiliation or the insults, nor his feelings of failure and guilt.

No, it was the way his foolish heart raced at how Nie Huaisang looked now, with all restraint a distant memory – the sharp Nie features on his delicate face turning from blurred to clear as the childhood fat on his cheeks melted away; the intelligence that flashed in his eyes, now unhidden by any pretense or indifference; the utter brilliance in the casual way he rattled off orders, effortlessly taking command without permitting any backtalk; the way he moved, a mixture of the martial general and a dancer’s grace; the way everything about him perfectly fit to Lan Xichen’s taste –

He really was a fool.

He had a crush on you for years, Lan Xichen reminded himself. Nie Mingjue even told you about it, he’d even approved of it back then if only you were interested, and yet you pretended you knew nothing. But now, now when he hates you, despises you, sees you as little better than a worm to crush beneath his heel, now is when you finally choose to see what’s always been there?

He hadn’t said anything to Nie Huaisang about it, of course. There wasn’t any point when Nie Huaisang already thought of him in the worst possible terms – weakling, willfully blind, murderer – and he could easily imagine how it might go, if he ever tried anything.

(“I heard some soldiers say that I resemble Jin Guangyao,” Nie Huaisang had mused one day, his hands locked behind his back as he looked down at their troops training in the field. His voice was cold as ice and sharp as a blade. “Though there’s some disagreement as to whether it’s my face or the devious turns of my mind that bring up the comparison. I thought I’d ask you, Zewu-jun, you being the expert and all – am I a good replacement? A suitable stand-in? If I smile at you enough times, will you do whatever I say without question, the way you did for him?”

I would already do anything for you, Lan Xichen had thought at the time, full of sorrow. In a way that goes well beyond what I felt for him. But even if I told you, you wouldn’t believe me, would you?)

No, it was clear enough to Lan Xichen that his father’s blood ran strong in him, dooming him to only love where he was not loved in return, and to finally realize the strength of that love only when it was too late. At least it seemed that Lan Wangji had escaped that fate with Wei Wuxian, their earlier misunderstandings aside.

A moment later, as if summoned by his thoughts, the man himself appeared.

“Oh, Zewu-jun, there you are! Have you seen Nie-xiong?” Wei Wuxian asked, popping his head in through the door. Lan Wangji was a few steps behind him, waiting patiently as he always did – he was always patient with Wei Wuxian, gentle in a manner that reminded Lan Xichen of the way he sometimes cared for the wild rabbits back at the Cloud Recesses.

They hadn’t spoken much, of late. Lan Wangji had understood Lan Xichen’s weakness and had not held it against him, but that didn’t mean Lan Xichen had forgiven himself, nor did it lessen the sting of shame he felt over events he felt must have lost him the respect of his younger brother, no matter how Lan Wangji denied it – it was easier to focus on matters of war.

“He was called away suddenly, I’m afraid,” Lan Xichen said. “He left a few shichen ago, but he said he’d be back in time for dinner.”

“Dinner has already passed,” Lan Wangji said, his voice neutral – an obvious reprimand for Lan Xichen for having not noticed, shaded with concern over the way Lan Xichen didn’t always eat the way he should. He wouldn’t be hurt by it, he practiced inedia the way they all did, of course, but that didn’t mean he should miss meals if he didn’t have to. “He has not yet returned?”

“Not that I’ve noticed. But if it’s that late, he should be back soon. Do you need him for something urgent?”

“As urgent as anything else in this war,” Wei Wuxian said with a shrug. “If you see him, let us know.”

“Why do you assume I’ll see him first?” Lan Xichen asked, a little amused, but Wei Wuxian blinked at him as if he’d said something foolish.

“He always comes to you first,” he said. “Hadn’t you noticed?”

Lan Xichen’s breath caught briefly – no, he hadn’t noticed, and his mind immediately started to race, his heart growing warm…but no. He only was being foolish again. As the army’s courier, its administrator, Lan Xichen was the obvious person for Nie Huaisang to contact if he wanted to get his plans spread out to everyone as soon as possible.

There didn’t have to be anything more to it than that.

“So when he arrives, if you could just tell him –”

“No need,” Lan Wangji interrupted. “He is approaching.”

A few moments later, and it was clear from the footsteps that Lan Wangji was right, as always – when Lan Wangji was younger, Lan Xichen used to tease him about having the ears of a bat, capable of detecting everything, and sometimes he really thought it might be true.

They waited, and the door opened, and Lan Xichen instinctively turned away as Nie Huaisang let himself in, not wanting to see those hard eyes turn even harder, the instinctive sneer that rose to Nie Huaisang’s lips at the sight of him that it always took him an extra moment to suppress.

“Nie-xiong?” Wei Wuxian asked, his voice rising a register in his shock. “What happened?”

Lan Xichen turned back at once, suddenly cold all over in terror. Had Nie Huaisang been injured? Some ambush, some attack, or worst of all a garrote made of guqin string the way he’d so foolishly taught A-Yao – but no, when he examined him with his eyes, Nie Huaisang looked hale as always, but for the redness and swelling around his eyes.

He looked for all the world as if he’d been –

Crying?

And yet Lan Xichen knew that Nie Huaisang hadn’t wept in years. One could probably accurately say that Nie Huaisang hadn’t had any expression in years, nothing that wasn’t a sneer or a grimace, maybe at best a smirk. What could have caused him to do so now…?

Nie Huaisang shook his head and unexpectedly – smiled.

A real true smile, his eyes curving into crescents and wrinkling at the corners, his cheeks glowing pink and his teeth flashing just like when he was younger and more innocent and smiled like that all the time. A smile of the sort that Lan Xichen hadn’t appreciated when he had it, the sort he’d thought was lost forever.

Lan Xichen’s heart stopped in his chest.

He wished he could stop this moment, too, to keep it with him for the rest of time.

“It’s da-ge,” Nie Huaisang said, beaming. “He woke up.”

Oh, Lan Xichen thought. Oh.

Oh no.

#mdzs #lan xichen #nie huaisang #wei wuxian #lan wangji #my fic #my fics #unfettered #xisang

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unnecessarywriting · 3 years

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How Did You Come to That Conclusion - Sirius Black

Request: Hello!! If you have time, would you be able to do a Christmas themed one where Sirius and the reader are long time friends with mutual crushes on each other and they kiss under the mistletoe by accident and then some misunderstandings and then some fluff?

A/N: Merry Christmas. I hope you all enjoy. There are 2-3 more fics coming out today. My gift to you all!

Italics are Flashbacks

How Did You Come to That Conclusion

The common room during Christmas break was typically the most soothing place to be. Most students wanted to get back to their families. You, on the other hand, were perfectly okay with staying with the quiet warmth. Typically the only sounds were the fire crackling, pages turning, cups clinks, and the occasional laugh from one of the other students that stayed at Hogwarts. This was usually the only time of year that you actually saw Mcgonagall relax. This year however, a particular group of boys chose to stay too.

Most days, you didn’t have any problems with the boys. Oftentimes, you were around them and you could even be considered one of their friends. In fact, James knew a lot about your life that you wish he didn’t. See, at the beginning of this school year, he caught wind of what you were feeling for a mutual friend.

“Ohh, is Ms. Y/L/N feeling a bit jealous of Sirius?” James teased.

“Haha,” you awkwardly laughed away your blush, “as if I would ever be jealous because of someone like him.”

“Merlin! You really do like him don’t you? Oh, I can’t wait to tell Sirius. This is going to be -”

“This is going to be nothing Potter. You are not going to say a word about this to Sirius or to anyone,” you were practically growling through clenched teeth.

“Or what? Listen Y/N this could be great for -”

“For no one. Please James, I’m begging you to just forget about it.”

“Forget about what?” Sirius appeared beside you. You looked to James who sighed.

“Forget about nothing. Don’t worry about it.” You breathed a sigh of relief at James’ response. When you looked away, you missed the subtle wink sent to Sirius that told him he would find out soon enough.

You and Sirius had been pretty close friends since the beginning of your time at Hogwarts. As he grew older, and hotter, his fans became more present in your life. You eventually took a step back to avoid the constant hateful glares sent your way for studying with a longtime friend. You didn’t stop spending time with him entirely though. He was still your friend, and if you were being honest, you liked knowing that you had his attention. It didn’t hurt any less, though, when he could be found around the school with any one of the girls in your year.

Since you were spending your Christmas break with the Marauders at Hogwarts, you decided to make the most of it. You would join in some of the pranks, and you would sneak out a night with one of the boys to go down to the kitchen. With the help of their map and James’ cloak, you were all practically unstoppable. Christmas Eve was no exception. That night, you and Sirius were sent down to grab some food from the kitchen. It was late, and you were all planning on staying up past midnight to start your day off right with each other.

In the common room, James was forming a plan. He was going to get the two of you together. He knew that you two liked each other, and he wasn’t fond of being caught in between something that could be solved if either one of you had the confidence to tell the other.

“Moony, you think this’ll work right?” Remus looked at his friend and nodded slowly.

“I guess it could, but I think this is something that should happen naturally. Why force something on them? This could also push them apart and make things more awkward.”

“That won’t happen though. My plan is foolproof.” James heard a snicker from his friend.

He had told them almost immediately after you had told James. He couldn’t hold it in for very long. Typically, he was good at secret-keeping but this time he needed to let loose. Remus wasn’t all that surprised and Peter seemed unaware of how Sirius felt.

Down in the kitchens, you and Sirius were joking around. The two of you always managed to have fun together. It was almost like getting caught would be worth it if you were going to be with him. You didn’t know, but Sirius was thinking the exact same thing.

“You know, if you wanted to get me alone, all you had to do was say so.” You laughed at his remark.

“So shameless. Remember Sirius, James is the one who sent us. I didn’t make this decision by my own account.” Your relationship was full of flirtatious and witty remarks. It was a part of your charm. He most certainly was attracted to it.

One of the many things Sirius liked about you was that you were willing to talk back to him. Most of the other girls would just crumble at everything he said to them. Not you. You would come back with something witty or sarcastic. Of course, this was only one of many things he adored about you.

As you two were returning to the common room, there was this energy between you two. Something told him that it was now or never. You said the password to enter the portrait hole.

“Listen Y/N, I need to talk to you.” You stopped and told him to continue. Then he started to lean in for a quick peck on the lips. It was short and sweet, but he hoped that it got the message across that he liked her. When his eyes met yours, he was met with hurt. Your eyes were slightly glossy and were looking past him at James, who was smiling at the two of you. Then he heard you speak.

“You know, I thought that you were a good guy. I truly believed it, but this is just cruel. Most pranks, well, most pranks I can handle. I’d like to think that I’m a good sport, but this was too far. James, I trusted you with my secret, and clearly you ignored my wishes. And you,” you pointed your finger at Sirius’ chest, “you had no right to follow through with such a stupid idea. What, did you think it was funny to make fun of the girl who likes you? Is it really that amusing to play with someone’s emotions? And what do you know, you had an audience too. You’re the worst Sirius Black. I don’t know what I ever saw in you!” You stomped your way up to your door and slammed it shut as the tears streamed down your face. Your salty tears would be the only thing offering comfort that night.

The common room was silent for a moment. The boys had never seen you completely lose it like that before. Sirius was confused to say the least, but then he looked up above his head. The mistletoe that was hanging above his head suddenly burned to ash as he sent a charm that way. He turned to look at his best friend.

“Prongs, why did you think that this would be a good idea?” James looked incredibly guilty and full of regret.

“Padfoot, I just wanted the two of you to finally get together. I thought that this would push you in the right direction, but it clearly didn’t work out that way. Plus, she kinda had a point about me breaking her trust.”

“What did you do Prongs?” Sirius was getting angry.

“Well, she kinda let it slip that she has feelings for you, and well I told these guys without her permission, or knowledge.” James looked down guiltily. Sirius couldn’t believe the situation, but now he understood how this hurt her. He was going to fix this, but he just needed her to leave the room.

You were in your dorm crying in both embarrassment and pain. How could James betray your trust like that? And how could Sirius play into such a stupid prank? You thought that maybe, just maybe, you could have a chance with him, but of course he had to turn around and be a jerk. You were hurt, but you also couldn't stop thinking about his lips on yours. Before you realized what was going on, you were in heaven. They were just as soft as your thought, and he tasted slightly like peppermint from the candy cane he was eating before you made it back to the common room.

Sirius stayed in the common room for hours. He was hoping that he would catch you coming down from the dorm. He was falling asleep when he finally heard you. You thought that you were being stealthy, and you were, but when the portrait closed behind you, Sirius was startled back to consciousness. He wasn’t sure if it was you at first, but he needed to make sure. He grabbed the map from the table and saw your name retreating to the kitchens. Of course. You left the common room before you could eat any of the snacks from earlier. You had also mentioned needing to make the trip to Hogsmeade to get some more sweets because you had run out a few days before. He got up abruptly and stumbled out into the hall to catch up to you.

It was almost 3 AM by the time you had escaped the common room. You saw Sirius asleep on the couch, and you couldn’t help but thank Merlin for letting you escape him. You most certainly were not in the mood to deal with him. You were exhausted, emotional, and more importantly, hungry. You made it to the kitchens and started scouring for anything that you could get your hands on.

“Excuse me Miss, but it appears that you might need some help.” The second you heard his voice, you felt the anger bubble within. You didn’t say anything in return. If there is something that Sirius hates more than anything, it’s being ignored.

“Ignoring me eh? I guess I deserve that, but that works because I just need you to listen to m- Hey where are you going?” You started to walk out of the kitchens. You had lost your appetite. He grabbed you by the wrist and pulled you back towards him.

“Stay put and listen, will ya?” You nodded reluctantly knowing he wasn’t going to let you go. “I get why you’re mad, but you don’t know what happened. I didn’t know what James was planning. I was trying to tell you how much I like you. I think you’re the sweetest, smartest, most beautiful girl in the entire world. You make my heart beat faster every time you look at me, and you take my breath away every time you laugh. I am falling hard for you Y/N and I don’t want James’ stupid attempts at getting us together to push us apart. If you want to be mad at Prongs, then be mad at him. Hell, I’m mad at him too, but trust me when I say that I want to be with you.” You stayed silent for a moment and processed everything. Okay, so maybe you jumped to conclusions a little quickly, and Sirius did sound quite, well serious.

“So you like me huh?” You said cheekily. You might as well play it cool since you were lowkey freaking out inside that he actually really liked you.

“How did you come to that conclusion?” He pulled you closer towards his body and smirked as he leaned down for a real kiss. It was like a fairytale. You smiled into the kiss, and pulled away.

“This is great and all, but I’m still hungry.” He laughed and helped you find some food.

The two of you retreated back to the common room, where you met James. He went to speak, but you put your hand up to stop him.

“I’m not happy about the trust thing, but you did have good intentions. Happy Christmas James. My gift to you is forgiveness. Take it.” He smiled and sighed out in relief.

“Thank Merlin!” He pulled the two of you into a hug. “So, you two are together?” You and Sirius just smiled at each other. He was the best gift you could have received.

#sirius black imagine #sirius black x reader #harry potter imagine #harry potter x reader #maruaders imagine #young remus x reader #young sirius x reader #young sirius imagine

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amyisherenowitsokay · 3 years

Note

You know what just to SPICE it up a bit imma say zadr too bitch

This bitch tryna give me arthritis smdh. Making me out myself for my dual-ship on main, can't even believe a bitch.

PRE-RELATIONSHIP

1. How did they first meet?

School. We must never forget the infamous handcuffs scene.

2. What was their first impression of each other?

Pure, unrivaled loathing.

3. Did any of their friends or family want them to get together?

Gaz said "kiss already" and throws things at them when they're getting too far away from "I want you dead" territory and well into "you want to fuck me so bad and it makes you look stupid" territory. Professor Membrane thinks they're adorable.

4. Who felt romantic feelings first?

Dib. Hormones get the best of us all. You can only be obsessed with someone so long before motivations get blurry.

5. Did either of them try to resist their feelings?

Zim would nearly break his PAK and commit accidental die trying to delete the emotions or install an emotional inhibitor. Dib would have a full mental breakdown trying to sort through it, which would manifest poorly in his behavior and negatively impact his ability to engage in their usual altercations. Pro tip: if you are painfully attracted to someone, being in a position where they pin you to the asphalt or lean over your desk to hiss insults at you is a bad idea.

6. If you had told one of them that the other would be their soulmate, what would they think?

I stand by what I said on my ZAGR post in that Zim doesn't know what a soulmate is, or the concept of a soul, but given this is in regards to his arch-nemesis instead of a creature he's mostly indifferent too, he'd be pissed at the insinuation he was in any way bound to Dib. Dib's fragile psyche would not survive the revelation.

7. What would their lives be like if they had never met?

Really empty. Their rivalry and parallel situations regarding neglectful authority figures is what keeps them going for so many years.

GENERAL

1. Who initiated the relationship, and how did it go?

As someone who thinks Zim doesn't understand even the concept of not being a possessive jackass, I think Zim just sort of concludes after awhile that, regardless of Dib's feelings, or even Zim's own feelings, whatever they have makes them wholly and entirely each other's. Just completely and hilariously misunderstanding the concept of a relationship, but still being incredibly presumptive in assuming they already have one. He also doesn't let Dib know of this revelation either, so eventually Dib explodes about his crush, and Zim's like "we are already together???? moron???" Dib could argue, and he kind of wants to, but he also never expected Zim to reciprocate, so he just sort of nods and is like "you know what, sure" and that's the end of it. They do not have an anniversary, but Dib's not really like that, and Zim doesn't know anniversaries are a thing anyways.

2. Did they have an official first date? If so, what was it like?

Again, stealing from my own ZAGR post, but I don't think Zim's really a 'date' person who would plan out that sort of thing. Dib is an awkward moron with arguably worse social skills than even Zim, and mentally comes to the conclusion that dragging Zim on investigations is basically like a date, and Zim doesn't bitch about it anymore than expected, therefore he is a master of romance, so it's fine.

3. What was their first kiss like?

Awkward, and quick. Dib is not a great communicator, nor is he great at explaining things like human demonstrations of affection, especially not when Zim's scowling impatiently at him through is fumbling and stuttering. He just goes for it, and it's quick and he misses his mouth almost. Zim is extremely surprised, especially when Dib makes terrible excuses about needing to be elsewhere and flees. Zim does his own research, and their second kiss is predated by a lecture about being better than Dib at everything/Dib being bad at everything. It is much more successful, even if afterwards Dib instigates a fight about Zim's tongue being weird.

4. Were they each other’s first anything (kiss, relationship, etc.)?

First everything, except kiss. Gretchen kissed Dib in high school as a dare. Zim will never forgive her for it.

5. What’s their height difference? Age difference?

I'd die to make them the same height, but I think the image of Zim being average height while Dib is a gangly big boi is just too funny. Zim would be pissed, and Dib would be so smug but so uncoordinated.

6. What’s their relationship with each other’s families?

Gaz interacts with them as minimally as possible, because they are loud and gross and annoying, but she's okay with Zim overall. They have a mutual understanding that Dib is stupid, completely reckless, and requires constant supervision to keep him from getting eaten by a ghoul or something. Gaz does genuinely trust him to skewer anything that tries to kill her brother, but she also knows that Dib isn't the only one with 0 sense of self-preservation. Dib was initially wary of Professor Membrane's reaction, because his dad is sort of unpredictable when it comes to his only son, but the Professor's only commentary is that he is glad his son finally made it official with his 'little green friend.' Dib then realizes that the implication in that perpetual comment about Zim had air quotes around that "friend" part all along.

Dib thinks Gir's gross and loud and doesn't get him, but he likes to team up with him and/or use him as a means to annoy Zim. The Base hates him, because now there's two morons with no sense of self-preservation that it needs to keep track of. Minimoose and Dib are bros.

7. Who takes the lead in social situations?

Zim, if only because he is arguably more 'charming' than Dib's fumbling attempts at communication with non-paranormal parties.

8. Who gets jealous easier?

Zim. Dib I think would have his 'HTTYD Hiccup moment' as he gets older, but still has that ingrained low self-esteem from years of ridicule and abuse. He is completely oblivious to the new attention he gets. Zim, however, is not. Dib never really notices the cause of his weird snarling and clinginess, but he shrugs it off as Zim just being weird and continues with whatever he was doing.

9. Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear?

Zim is a slut, I will die on this hill.

LOVE

1. Who said “I love you” first?

Dib. He says it casually, in the dark, when they're on a stake-out to find some wood goblin or something. He says it like he's talking about something plane and unremarkable.

I think a ZADR relationship would need Zim to be a lot more independent in terms of researching how romantic relationships 'work,' since Dib's not a great communicator, and there's an ingrained rivalry that will never dissolve between them, no matter how many times they kiss, so Zim would be a lot more motivated to figure things out on his own. He would, in this circumstance, know the weight of Dib's way-too-casual admittance, and it would be a huge shock to him. He'd be pretty shaken about it for awhile, and Dib's not bothered when he doesn't reply. Dib would be pretty sure Zim would never admit it, but he does, eventually, because he refuses to be a coward about it.

2. What are their primary love languages?

Verbal affirmations. With their self-esteems firmly in the toilet in Zim's kitchen, being able to have someone validate them who they respect would mean a lot to them.

3. Who uses cheesy pick-up lines?

Dib. He uses it to start fights with Zim about linguistics and metaphors. Also, he's 99.9% positive Zim secretly is flattered by it, but hates that he is.

4. How often do they cuddle/engage in PDA?

Zim is very clingy, but Dib's too on the move to really pin down for a good cuddle frequently. He's twitchy and his minds always racing, but every once in a while when Zim's completely fed up, or Dib's running on fumes but still forcing himself on, Zim will all but pin him to a cushioned surface and force him to sleep. Neither of them are PDA people.

5. Who initiates kisses?

Zim. Dib's really shy about it, and also normally too distracted to pay Zim the attention he so obviously deserves, and often misses Zim's 'signals.'

6. Who’s the big and little spoon?

PAK not comfy against sternum. It's also easier to force Dib to sleep if he's the big spoon, because he can pin his limbs.

7. What are their favorite things to do together?

Paranormal investigations, and morally ambiguous and/or largely dangerous experiments.

8. Who’s better at comforting the other?

Dib, which is hilarious, because he's about as smooth as a cheese grater, but he is very attuned to the person he's been obsessed with for years, and he can also relate to a lot of his issues. While Zim usually shrugs off the sentimentality and the empathy, dismissing it as 'pity,' the affirmation means a lot to him.

9. Who’s more protective?

Zim. He has to anticipate his lover's stupidity to make sure he stays alive to hunt ghosts another day.

10. Do they prefer verbal or physical affection?

Verbal. Hormones are real, but there's something that eases the sting of years of abusive in a crooning praise or a sincere compliment.

11. What are some songs that apply to their relationship, in-universe or otherwise?

https://open.spotify.com/track/3IvUhEVbbA81QnEVhsFHiH?si=b3c5787c9ff14105

12. What kind of nicknames do they call each other?

It is primarily age-old insults that lack the bite and sincerity they once had.

13. Who remembers the little things?

Dib. Zim isn't inattentive by any means, cataloguing all of Dib's weird habits and nuances and what not, but for all the compensating Zim does to keep Dib safe and healthy, Dib reciprocates in meaningful gestures. He remembers to pack Zim-friendly snacks on their road trips and ways to keep Gir entertained, if they have to bring him. He always checks the weather and has an extra coat, just in case. Never makes Zim feel bad about needing to check, just one more time, to see if he got any incoming messages from home.

DOMESTIC LIFE

1. If they get married, who proposes?

Dib.

2. What’s the wedding like? Who attends?

It's just Gaz, Minimoose, and Gir. Membrane is too far away to attend, but that was deliberate. Dib didn't want his tendency to make things about 'the Membrane line' effect the intimacy and importance of the ceremony. Also, Zim insists on incorporating some Irken rituals into it, so it'd be hard to make excuses and explanations to why Zim wants Dib to fuck with his weird pink backpack during their wedding.

3. How many kids do they have, if any? What are they like?

No kiddos. Neither of them would be interested, even if it was biologically possible.

4. Do they have any pets?

Seriously, Gir counts, right?

5. Who’s the stricter parent?

Dib. Zim refuses to parent Gir when Dib is more inclined to do it, since he's more irritated by it.

6. Who worries the most?

Dib has perpetual anxiety. So does Zim, but he masks it better.

7. Who kills the bugs in the house?

Dib, to prevent the gooey grossness that is Gir's bug-breath.

8. How do they celebrate holidays?

Just with Gaz.

9. Who’s more likely to convince the other to come back to sleep in the morning?

Zim will strap Dib to a bed himself to get him to go the fuck to sleep, because it's been over 48 hours you insufferable human, and--!

10. Who’s the better cook?

Dib's idea of cooking is a microwave, salt, and pepper. Zim is forced to learn the wonders of human food to keep his idiot from dying of malnutrition.

11. Who likes to dance?

Gir.

#my hand #is deceased #invader zim #ZADR #asks #Zim #Dib #amyisherenowansweringyou

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littlemissagrafina · 3 years

Text

You'll be okay (Cause you're never alone)

(A female Peter Parker and irondad vent fic delving heavily into mental health. If any of the tags are triggering to you, please don't read it. Stay safe, loves.)

Read on AO3

Peyton knew she was loved, she did, but it didn't matter to her brain what she knew. It didn't agree with her. It never did.

When her body felt tired and her arms craved to wrap around her loved ones, her brain would be there trying to convince Peyton that her wants were a burden.

When her eyes wanted nothing more than to cry waterfalls of tears and her body shook with the shivers her anxiety left behind, her mind berated her, told her she was overreacting.

And when Peyton's heart ached with the burden of the sadness her mind bestowed upon it, her mind was there with thoughts of doubt of the love she knew from her family, with fears and losses amplified until she was drowning in a never ending sea of emotion.

A deep ocean she never let out. All thanks to the words her mind spun around and around in her head, some with no foundation, and some that were all too true.

Peyton never was able to tell which ones hurt more. Those built from truth or those from doubts. It was something she didn't ever think she would know for sure.

What she did know, however, was that she couldn't escape from either kind.

Those borne from doubts could at least occasionally be rationalised far easier than those borne in truth.

But the ones that had a foundation of fact… they ached. They burned and twisted in a way that was different from the doubting ones.

They settled into her chest and tightened until she couldn't breathe.

They couldn't be softened the way that doubt born ones could, and as such, they haunted Peyton far worse than any other.

They followed in her every interaction, every move, every word she spoke. It was what had forced her to hide herself away and for the weight to all start building upon her back in the first place.

They stemmed from May and Peyton hated that her aunt, her mother in all but blood, was the start of her spiraling that she tried so hard to hide.

Peyton loved May with all of her heart and she knew that the woman loved her just as deeply. They were so close and such a part of each other… but that didn't take away from the way May's views, misunderstanding, and ignorance had affected Peyton.

It didn't change the years of being told everything would be fine and that she was smart, she couldn't possibly be struggling with anything.

"You just have to apply yourself more, Sweetheart."

It didn't change the countless bad days where all Peyton had wanted to do was curl up in her bed and not get up only for her aunt to say that she had no reason to be sad.

"I know things have been hard in the past, Pey, but we're fine now. There's no reason to be sad."

It didn't change the many times that May had dismissed her when Peyton had tried to bring up her thoughts on possibly being ADHD.

"You're not hyper, Peyton. You can't have ADHD."

And it didn't change the time when she finally said she battled with anxiety only for May to tell her, "Just don't be anxious then."

Moments like those were repeated over and over again for years until Peyton eventually gave up.

She started hiding her fear of school.

Her depression was covered by fake smiles and countless jokes in a bid to be okay.

Lack of concentration and daydreaming was disguised as thinking about homework or a new idea for her lab time with Mr. Stark.

Shaking hands and anxiety hives were brushed aside as needing something to eat and her shirts or hoodies making her itch.

Slowly but surely, Peyton became a master of excuses. Although many of them she probably only got away with due to her aunt's decidedly bad observation skills.

Maybe that was one of the reasons she was able to get away with the occasional nights of blood slowly dripping down from her thighs to swirl down the shower drain. It had become her release, her escape.

An injury from patrol or her own general clumsiness used as an excuse for the bandaids that became more and more likely to disappear from their shared bathroom cabinet.

Through it all, May was none the wiser to the war her niece was waging on and within herself.

Tony Stark, however, he was a different case. He noticed things that most took for granted. He used his cocky and flashy media persona to distract from his eyes soaking in every detail he could from any situation he found himself in.

He was the one person that Peyton's own masks and acts didn't fool. He didn't always easily accept the excuses for the stray cuts that would appear on her arms or the dark, puffy circles under her eyes.

Tony wasn't like May in that way.

And so it sadly came as no surprise when he noticed after one too many weeks of Peyton being entirely too reckless with her pocket knife, when the cuts on her thighs became deeper than they had before and her healing took longer to stop the bleeding.

The constant craving for the pain had snuck up on Peyton until the escape she found was one she could no longer escape from.

Peyton had foolishly hoped that she could get away with it for a while longer even though she knew she had to be stopped, no matter how much she didn't want to.

Her hopes were for nothing and it was all thanks to a single pair of grey sweatpants.

---

The second and fourth weekends of each month were reserved for Peyton and Tony to go upstate and spend the two day weekend (from the time Peyton left her last class on Friday to Monday morning when Tony would drop her off at Midtown) at the compound.

In the early days they had used to train in the larger, more well equipped gym as well as more complex suit enhancements.

Now, however, it was still used for those things at times but it had become far more of a mini getaway for the two of them. Occasionally they would be joined by Pepper or Rhodey but for the most part it was the two of them.

It was routine. Something familiar and comforting in the reliability of the twice a month escape.

As such, Peyton's self-harm habits had formed a routine around these weekends as well. It was one of the few times she restricted herself to not cutting at all apart from the friday morning before school.

Usually, those cuts would be scabbed over and partially healed by the time Tonh picked her up.

Today was not a usual day.

Thanks to the sudden cold brought by an early winter cold spell, a lot of Peyton's energy was spent by her metabolism trying to keep her body warm and stop her from going into hibernation.

Add that to the new depth and disregard of the far more frequently added cuts on her thighs and you get a healing factor that doesn't have the resources to work as it normally does.

Peyton hadn't thought of that when she had shakily re-opened the cuts in the hidden second floor bathroom after her last class. The only thing that had registered was the leftover surge of anxiety from Flash's recent bullying and the sudden single minded craving to split her skin open.

Realising the time when Tony sent her a message telling her that he was in the parking lot, Peyton folded up toilet paper and roughly bundled it between her thighs and pants to stop any of the blood from seeping through on her jeans.

She could deal with it later when she changed at the compound.

---

Unsurprisingly, she didn't deal with it, instead she flushed the wads of toilet paper down the toilet before changing into a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie so she could be comfortable in the lab.

Her first mistake.

Her second mistake came from forgetting that the sluggishly bleeding cuts would eventually start to coagulate and scab. And that they did. Against her sweatpants.

Her last mistake?

Well, that was jumping up after sitting in the same position for two hours. Two hours that had her cuts start healing before they were re-opened thanks to her sudden movement.

Peyton couldn't stop the wince at the pain of the scabs peeling back as her pants shifted on her legs.

She was unaware that her mentor (read: unofficial father) had been glancing at her at times as he tried to piece together the puzzle of her increasingly strange behaviour that had formed over the last months.

As such, Peyton didn't see the way his face paled when he noticed the blood on her pants. Fear and sadness filling his heart as all the pieces were put together. It had all been right there in front of him, sign after sign, and he'd missed every one.

"Peyton." The man said, getting up from his workbench and moving towards her.

"Hmm?" Peyton hummed, ignoring the fabric tugging on her thighs as she turned to face him.

The look Tony fixed on her made Peyton pause, her eyes following his when they subconsciously flickered to the red stain on her pants. In seconds she felt the blood drain from her face and her fingers get the tell tale tingling of her anxiety flaring.

Before Tony could speak, she was rising with a well practiced excuse on her lips. "I'm so sorry. I have my period and… lemme just go change and clean up and I'll be back in a bit."

She made it to the elevator before a hand on her shoulder stopped her in her tracks.

"Don't do this, Peyton."

"Do what?" Her feigned confusion was almost believable but Tony saw the way her hands quivered slightly at her side as she shrugged his hand off and stepped into the elevator.

Tony followed.

"Don't lie to me. Make excuses."

The doors closed and it was silent as they moved up to the living room.

After a few moments, Peyton shook her head. "I'm not–"

Tony guided her to face him. "Your period was two weeks ago, the last time we came up here. I know because you were annoyed at your nausea and cramps keeping you from trying out the new aerial bars in the gym."

The doors opened and Peyton walked out, moving towards her room and trying in vain to think of an excuse, a protest, anything to get herself out of the inevitable.

Before she could get out of the living room, Tony caught her sleeve, stopping her in place.

"You're not okay, I see that. If this is–" Tony cut himself off, drawing in a short breath. "You are hurting, Bambina, no matter the form. I want to help you but I need you to talk to me. Please."

It was almost as if the wind was taken out of Peyton's sails. Her head droped and she let out a tired breath.

"You're right," Peyton finally admitted, words spoken so softly that Tony had to strain to hear her.

The admission hurt Tony to hear. He'd known, but he had still wished in vain to be wrong.

"I– uh. It's not– I don't…" She didn't know what to say, didn't know how to explain or to say anything at all.

None of the words were the right ones for what she needed to say and to finally get out after so many years of keeping them locked away.

And then it all came rushing in. The realisation that someone knew. The terror of the reality of Tony, the man who was practically her father, finding out what she had done, what she did, to herself.

"Roo." A hand cupped Peyton's cheek grounding, her from the flood of emotion and thought. She looked up, blinking through the tears building in her eyes and met Tony's own teary ones.

She let out a whimper, "I'm not okay."

And she broke.

She sobbed, and she hiccuped, the force of her cries sending tremors through her body but Tony only cradled her in his arms. He held her together so she could let herself fall apart, and fall she did.

Through her tears she explained everything. All of her doubts, her fears, her anxieties, sadness, and the expectations she felt she could never live up to.

She told him about the nights cried herself to sleep and the nights where she was too numb and tired to rest. She told him of the words said to her that she couldn't help but take deeply and personally, no matter the true meaning behind them.

And she told him about the anxiety attacks, about the dissociation, and (most heavily) about the self harm. How it was sometimes the only escape she felt she had, even above her patrols or her missions as Spider-Woman.

Through it all, Tony listened. He didn't try to interrupt, he didn't tell her she was wrong or making anything up, he only listened.

For the first time, Peyton felt as if she was truly heard.

Her tears eventually stopped, only the occasional sniffle left behind. Her dad's arms never left their place wrapped around her. They only moved when Tony shuffled them across to the couch where Peyton immediately curled into his arms again.

"I'm sorry I'm so messed up. I know I'm not okay but I'm sorry that I just dumped it on you like tha–"

"Peyt, Bambina, it's okay. It's okay." Tony's eyes were earnest, nothing but love and truth in them as he looked down at her. "This is going to sound cheesy, I know, but it is okay not to be okay."

He sat up slightly, shifting until Peyton was facing him on the couch. "I'm not going to lie, this is going to be one hell of a time to get through and past, but we will get you help and I will be by your side to support you through all of it."

Peyton chewed on her lip, fingers subconsciously digging into the tops of her thighs before Tony curled her palms into his own.

"Talk to me, Pey, what's going on in your head?"

"I'm scared." Peyton hesitated before admitting it. She was silent again, almost warring with herself to get her next words out. "I dunno how to be different or who I am without the hurt or the hiding. And I don't know how to stop wanting to hurt myself or be clumsy so I get hurt on purpose. I know it's a bad and dangerous thing but I also don't want to stop. I don't know how to escape all of this."

She looked at her dad, scared that she would find disgust at what she had now said in words despite it already being discovered earlier with her stating it. "I'm scared that you'll hate me or be angry or disgusted that I'm like this."

At her words, Tony's eyes hardened, a fierceness in them that wasn't as strong moments ago.

"Peyton Parker, if there is one thing I Will never ever hate you, be disgusted, or angry, alright? Never. Not for one fuckibg second. Do you hear me?"

Peyton, do you hear me?" Tony repeated when she only nodded.

"Yes. I hear you."

Tony nodded. "Good because it's never changing. We're gonna get you the help you need, baby. I promise you."

Not knowing how to thank him, Peyton settled for hugging him again, smiling for the first time that evening when she felt a kiss against her hair.

"I love you, Dad." She said without thinking, freezing slightly when she felt Tony tense before he relaxed.

Tony murmured back to her, before she could apologise. "I love you too, Tesoro."

It was quiet, then. Heavy from all that had been said, but not uncomfortable or awkward.

Things weren't okay. But okay could wait, because in these seconds and moments, after all that had changed and happened that evening, there was peace.

---

Eventually Peyton would speak once more, her voice small and almost childlike in her need for guidance and assurance.

"We'll get through this?" She asked softly.

And Tony would answer, firm and sure.

"We will."

#irondad #spiderdaughter #tony stark #peter parker #female peter parker #mental health #irondad fanfiction #irondad fanfic #ironman #iron man #spider man #spiderman #spider woman #marvel #mcu

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totallynotpuri · 2 years

Text

I have... thoughts about Turning Red.....

Basic tl;dr because this got long.

Turning Red, in concept, was an interesting way to show the generational divides a first generation immigrant daughter raised in America and her mother. However, it was bogged down by the story’s constant need to be “funny” and “modern”. There are great moments, amazing visuals, and good characters, but I can’t honestly recommend it without giving a heads up for cringe.

I would be lying if I said I hated the movie, I don’t. However I can’t help but draw comparisons to Encanto, both because both stories talk about the effects of generational trauma and because they both focus on a character who has to deal with being radically different than their family.

However, while Encanto drew me in and kept me in the story almost the entire time, Turning Red made me cringe way too many times for my comfort.

And look! I don’t think that’s inherently bad! It was an amazing way to show the generational divides between Mei and her family as well as how it effects her! However, I don’t want to see a movie where I was tempted to leave in the first 10 minutes of it.

Yes it’s a great way to represent a 13 year old’s point of view of the world. Yes it was a good way to story tell. Yes it was a great way to show how Mei’s mom doesn’t understand her and helps tell the audience everything we need to know in a short period of time!

But was it an enjoyable experience? To watch her mom storm into a deli and embarrass Mei in front of everyone and accuse a 17 year old of “devious acts”? To see her mom run onto school grounds and show pads to her entire class? To see Mei shake her panda ass at her mother in the finale?

No! Honestly no! The second hand embarrassment was going to kill me and I would have rather not seen it!

Not to bring it back to Encanto again, but I didn’t have to see any character shake their ass at the camera in that movie and I’m honestly fine with that. The story was focused on the story first and foremost, and that was honestly amazing!

Turning Red was so focused on being modern and representing a 13 year old’s actions and world that it took away from the message at the end. Would Encanto’s story have been as good if, during Mirable and Abuela’s fight at the end, it was interrupted by a capybara shaking their ass? Fuck no! So why did Turning Red think it was necessary to do that? Mei could’ve kept her mom there by talking about the emotions she had during the movie! But no! It was boiled down to “I’m GYRATING mom, look at me, a 13 year old shaking her panda ass because I know it makes you angry”

There’s just so much unnecessary fluff to it that makes the story weaker than it could’ve be. I wish we got to see more of the family interactions, both between Mei’s mom and her family as well as Mei and her family, because both feel lacking. Because while Encanto’s story felt rushed because there wasn’t enough time to let all the characters shine, Turning Red felt like it was giving too much time to unnecessary things and not letting the gems it hid in the sand to shine.

Weirdly enough, I don’t have as much to say about the cultural parts of this movie, much less than I did about Encanto, which is weird to me. I feel like this movie was supposed to represent me, supposed to talk about what it’s like to be a first generation Chinese American immigrant who doesn’t understand her family because of the different environment I grew up in, but all it made me think was “fuck, that’s exactly how annoying teenagers are”.

I wish I could talk about the pressure to get good grades, I wish I could talk about the pressures to be perfect for my family, I wish I could talk about the traditions and divides and the misunderstandings, but I can’t! Because they’re not focused on as much! And when they are, it’s weak! It makes me think of the mom’s point of view more than Mei’s! It makes me feel angry that Mei is putting herself above the safety of a lotta people! It makes me sad that everyone but Mei and her friends are painted as in the wrong when they’re not!

It feels like a perfectly good soup that someone decided to add packets of glitter into for the pizazz.

#Turning Red #Turning Red Spoilers #Puri Rambles #lots of thoughts #but not good thoughts

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rechoired · 4 years

Text

A problem with the Tales Of Arcadia community

First and foremost, I’d like to ask anyone taking the time to read this to please read the post all the way through before commenting on the matter. There is a lot of dirty laundry to unpack here, and some points will be building off previous ones.

I’ll get right to the point. Most everybody in the Tales of Arcadia fandom will have heard of the blog imthegingerninja / ginger-le-gay. She is one of the most well-known ToA-centric blogs, after all. (If you’re wanting to avoid her on Twitter as well, her account is Margaret Bell, or @The_Book_Bell.)

This is your PSA, TOA fandom: Ginger is a toxic, manipulative person.

This is not a claim I like to make lightly, but it’s long overdue that this issue is properly brought up within the fandom.

I’ve seen so many people wonder why the Tales of Arcadia fandom is so small. Well, I and many others very strongly believe that Ginger is one of the main reasons for that, if not the main one. To make matters easier, I’ve tried to break this down into some main points. So let’s take a look at how Ginger falls under this category.

Disclaimer: Please DO NOT look at this post as an excuse to harass Ginger or any other blog mentioned here. This sort of behavior is NOT acceptable. The point of this post is to educate those who may not know the extent of her harrowing behavior, nothing more.

1. Dishonesty and Death Threats

[EDIT: Shortly after this post went up, she started blatantly lying about me to try to cover for herself. You can see those lies being easily disproven here]

Ginger has been kicked from at least three Tales of Arcadia servers, all for similar reasons of violence. While I cannot provide screenshots as I am no longer part of the servers they were in, there are multiple witnesses that can verify the disgusting behavior she engaged in. The one I saw specifically was her saying that certain members of the fandom should be gathered up and hunted for sport, among other gross things. (Elaboration of why can be found in point 3, though it still doesn’t excuse this kind of talk)

Here is some points made by another blog that also sums up similar issues with Ginger, though:

While there were multiple instances of her inciting violence towards others, this is unfortunately one topic I cannot provide specific screenshots for at this time. But I will add them in as I can find them. That being said, I want to move to the dishonesty, something I do have a screenshot for.

While you could argue that people sometimes notice the similar things, this is far too close together to be considered an “original find”. The reblog button is there for a reason, but she instead decides to steal the OP’s premise and present it as her own original thought.

There have been a couple other blogs that have confirmed that their theories and analysis posts were often stolen and presented as Ginger’s own as well, to the point where they stopped bothering even making such posts, as the above blog points out. (Out of respect for their privacy, I will not be naming these blogs. Say what you will about that possibly weakening my point, but if she’s willing to so blatantly steal from that person shown above, it shouldn’t surprise you that she’s so willing to do it to others.)

Theory-making and analysis posts aren’t as solidly “original content” as a piece of art or fanfiction, sure, but it’s still common fandom courtesy to give credit where it’s due. Ginger has intentionally avoided extending that courtesy far too many times.

2. Hypocrisy

Most of this is going to be about past Merlin vs. Morgana drama, though there are also words to be said for the incredibly shaky relationships she forms with “friends”.

But first let’s talk about those wizards.

This is a topic I’ve tried to approach with Ginger before, but she borderline refused to acknowledge any of the points I was trying to make, and when she did, I don’t know if I just wasn’t being clear or what, but it honestly looked as though she was purposefully trying to misunderstand what I was saying in her bizarre responses. (To be fair, I was sending messages out of anger because she vagueposted about a blog I admired, calling them a “disgusting creep” because of them simply saying they’d hoped Jim and Merlin would be able to actually bond at some point... Not really a justifiable reaction to such a harmless thought, in my opinion. But my point is, I recognize that the circumstances may have clouded my ability to vocalize my thoughts clearly.)

That aside, we should first acknowledge this post Ginger made to save face after having gotten some backlash about hate-train related things (Side note: I couldn’t find the original post, so this is a screenshot I got from someone else. I did not add the writing. The text underneath it should still be slightly readable, I hope.):

Taken at face value, this is a very reasonable post. I think everybody would and should be able to agree on it. Hate-meme him for fun, sure, but don’t actually harass or insult others over a fictional character. Simple, right?

Apparently not, because Ginger’s done loads of that to others. Probably why the “LOL” was added in, I bet.

This post confused me. First of all, exploring dark topics (”angst”, as you put it) has never been a rare occurrence, every fandom has that content, most in heavy abundance. I’ve noticed no staggering difference in volume of this fandom compared to others I’ve been in. People enjoy angst not because they think the character “deserves to be in pain”, they enjoy a fictional blow to their own emotions. There’s lots of different reasons people like angst, but it’s barely ever been out of a genuine hate for whatever character’s the focus, from all the things I’ve seen. Your own friends have indulged in Jim angst and body horror posts before, does that mean you think they’re awful people? I feel like I shouldn’t have to explain something like this.

Also, way to basically admit you think all Merlin stans get off on child torture. So much for “If you like Merlin as a character, you’re valid”, am I right? God, what a mess of a post. (It’s been very recently deleted, which makes me wonder if she got more backlash on it, but just... wow.)

Let’s look at another one.

Again. Vagueposting about someone specific, I’d wager, since most of the people I’ve seen comment on this topic either think both characters are morally gray, or hate both.

But of course, when it comes to Morgana, suddenly excusing bad behavior can be justified. Ginger can call someone a disgusting creep because they want a familial bond between Jim and Merlin, that’s just wrong, but pushing the Mom-gana narrative with the genocidal abuser and Toby is completely fine, folks.

(Note: I would like to point out that I really don’t care about what theories and hopes people have for Morgana. You should be allowed to love that character in any way you want, same as I would say for Merlin. My issue with these examples is the completely brazen hypocrisy in which these two characters are treated. You’re obviously allowed to love Morgana without consequence, but the same should be said for any character of the show, and yet it’s not.)

The most obvious instance of this double-standard is well observable here, I believe:

... I think this mostly speaks for itself. Sorry, but this is very blatantly trying to excuse Morgana’s actions, here.

Oh hey, remember that post about Ginger saying that liking Merlin must mean you want to see Jim in horrible pain?

Say anything similar about her with Morgana, and suddenly she takes issue with this line of reasoning!

I’m sorry, but if you can’t take this sort of thing, then you shouldn’t be dishing it out. One of your own friends is still getting hate over the simple fact of liking Merlin, and all this mentality is exactly why.

Let’s look at one more.

Fun fact! Morgana horrifically abused somebody for centuries, tried to kill multiple kids, took horrible advantage of Claire (probably traumatized her), and canonically wanted to genocide humanity, not to mention all the OTHER murders she's committed, both directly and indirectly.

But somehow pointing any of this out “doesn’t count”. This is why the fandom keeps saying more and more things like this:

And this:

I could be going through her constant hating on Merlin and people who like Merlin for days straight, but I hope you all get the idea by now.

Again, I would like to just reiterate: You can like whatever character you want for whatever reason you want. The problem with this case is the hypocrisy and mistreatment of others, not your taste in characters.

Now interestingly enough, she’s lately been singing a different tune about the guy, switching from the “I hate Merlin I hope he dies!!!” mentality to “Oh he should get a redemption arc too :)” sort of thing.

I’m highly convinced that the only reasons for this “change of heart” is because of the constant backlash she was getting for the obnoxious amount of hate posts being thrown around all the time, but also because Aaron Waltke keeps tabs on the fandom more lately, and has spoken himself about Merlin not being a villain.

I could go on about this point forever, but I think I’ll just leave the Merlin topic with this post going through the hypocrisy of the Merlin Hate Train. In fact, here’s two just for fun.

Now onto more real-world focused areas of hypocrisy. One such instance can be found in Ginger’s Janus Disorder server.

Just take a look at this post.

While the offender in this case isn’t Ginger specifically, it still takes place in her server, and she made no moves to enforce her “No discourse” rule. All over... what? A random kudos on a fanfiction that’s not even about anything controversial since all characters involved are adults? I immensely don’t understand the point of why this ever had to be an issue, or why nobody spoke up about how ridiculous this is.

I’d also like to point out a certain user called firecat17. For some quick context, waaay back in the Kung Fu Panda fandom (around 2018), this user had been harassing people and saying incredibly vile things, a person of which Ginger had a bit of a feud, but firecat’s anon threats had gotten to the point where Ginger ended up having to block their IP.

Obviously, the user firecat was the one in the wrong, here. (Also, the irony in this comment is through the roof...)

Interesting point there, Ginger. Sure would be nice if you practiced what you preached.

Why am I bringing this random old drama up, you may ask? Well, it just strikes me as strange that someone who was so vile to Ginger is suddenly on her okay-list again, sending her asks and getting casual responses as if nothing ever happened.

To be fair, there is the possibility that they worked out their differences in private. But given the severity of the kinds of words being exchanged, I would still find that rather suspicious.

When someone who’s said things so vile can be so easily forgiven, yet something as harmless as leaving a kudos on some random fanfiction is considered grounds for harassment, it’s obvious there’s no stability or room for trust among this group of people. Unsurprising when there’s been several instances of this “friend group” turning on each other.

If you think you’re somehow different, that your “friendship” with Ginger or the others is more valued than that, then I’m sorry to burst your bubble but it’s likely not true. She’d throw you under the bus at the hint of you doing something she deems problematic, as it’s happened to multiple blogs before you.

3. Demonization of and insensitivity towards s*xual abuse victims

(This topic is one that’s hard for me to talk about, being a victim of CSA myself, so I’ve gathered some different sources to do most of the main talking for me. I tried to form more commentary on this myself, but I get too emotionally charged in my responses, and I don’t want that to cloud any reader’s perception of what I’m trying to communicate here, so I’ll try to keep most of my comments brief on this one.)

One thing recently brought to my attention about Ginger and her squad that especially bothers me is their rashness in labeling people p*dophiles and p*do apologists. If these claims were true, then I wouldn’t have a problem with it.

But these people are accusing others of these horrible things and threatening them on the sole basis of fictional content.

Now before you fly off the handle at me, let me be very clear: I absolutely understand that there are gross people out there who use the “It’s all just fiction” argument to hide their actual, pr*datory behaviors. (We’ve all probably seen at least one or two neckbeard memes of that caliber)

But like it or not, exploring traumatic themes through a fictional lens is something that has been studied and proven to be a genuine coping mechanism for some. It’s not something that works for me, but I knew a few people from past therapy groups that it worked surprisingly well for. Bringing a trauma into a controlled environment and processing it through fictional means can and does help some victims deal with what they went through.

It’s important to understand that not everyone processes their experience in the same neat, little boxes you have laid out as the only “acceptable” ways of coping. Trauma fiction and expressive arts therapy are commonly used by victims, and it does help some people, whether you like it or not.

I’m already dragging this on too much, so here are some sources for better-worded information on the topic (Warning: Most of these deal with highly sensitive themes such as gun violence and s*xual abuse.)

Source 1 - Source 2 - Source 3 - Source 4 - Source 5 (pages 61 onward, specifically) - Source 6 - Source 7 - Source 8 - Source 9 - Source 10 (and believe me, if those all don’t satisfy you, I can easily supply more.)

And this quote from source 9 I think sums it up best:

“Fiction works differently. My imagination gives me a framework to process the grief and terror and the consequences, even when I myself have not found any resolution. It allows me to enter my own traumatic experiences sideways and linger inside them, if I know I can give them to characters who might be lucky enough to find the antidote: love, connection, community, family. In other words, I can enter — and exit — the trauma loop through stories that are not exactly the same as mine.

This goes for the reader also. Recent studies periodically assure us that stories — literary fiction, hardcover books, even the simple act of reading — promote empathy. We rarely have identical experiences, so fiction is how we practice linking our similar or parallel realities so we can feel them. This seems particularly useful in our current society, where we are all so separated, and are working so hard to block the violence that keeps happening to us from our minds.

Fiction connects us, and it can also contribute to our healing. When we see ourselves in worlds we don’t live in, like The Handmaid’s Tale or The Color Purple, sometimes, that very different violence helps us finally process our own. Because as much as our memoirs and testimonies are brave and validating, fiction does not just mirror our truths so they are safe to experience; it also helps us endure the aftermath. Because long after the immediate experience is over, survival struggles onward, in every moment of our daily lives.”

While most professionals have in the past advised that victims keep their trauma-related works more private, to only show it to your trusted friends or family, the fast-growing use of the internet has led more people to sharing it in an online platform, which is not unexpected behavior.

I unfortunately don’t have the screenshot of the original post, but there was a post made some time back literally telling a fandom member to go and hang themselves over this garbage. A survivor of s*xual abuse, no less. And to top that off, one of Ginger’s squad @emmy-puff commented in support of that violent post, as well as blatantly misgendering the target of it. While, again, I was unable to get screenshots, there are multiple witnesses to this instance, one Anonymous even having called them out on it back when it happened. (I suspect that Emmy deleted that answer due to how bad it made them look.) If anybody reading this has screenshots of the initial post or the ask that came of it, please feel free to share.

I don’t care who you are or who you’re talking about, if you use misgendering someone as a way to hurt them, then you are an insult to the trans community. That is an awful thing to do, and you lose so much credibility if that’s the only thing you can fall back on when getting in a fight with someone. While this post isn’t about Emmy specifically, this is exactly the kind of hateful rhetoric that’s being encouraged in the environment Ginger’s made.

Another thing I would like to point out on this matter is an instance that happened in the ToA fandom a couple years back. I, again, don’t have screenshots available (I believe the original post ended up deleted) but the post in question caused enough of a fuss that I’m sure a few people must remember it...

A while back, there was an artist that posted uncensored, untagged r*pe art of Aaarrrgghh, Gunmar, and Jim in the main Trollhunters tag. As you can imagine, this infuriated many people. Many of which are among the list of those who’ve been labeled “p*do apologists”. Almost the very minute that post showed up in the tag with no trigger warnings of any kind, the fandom immediately got on OP’s tail about it, because they all shared that basic understanding of “This is a traumatizing subject for many people and they should have the ability to avoid it”. If the people you’ve labelled as pr*dator supporters were really as awful as you say they are, they would’ve jumped to that person’s defense, too. But they were completely against OP’s horrible lack of consideration of survivors, right alongside the rest of the fandom.

Am I saying you have to like trauma fiction? Absolutely not. Are there people that make trauma fiction that are actual pr*dators? I’m sure there are. But those people would be that way whether trauma fiction was out there or not. Gross people have existed and will always exist regardless of what media is out there.

I deeply understand the controversy, uncertainty, and stress that surrounds this topic, I promise you, I do. But the fact of the matter is, some people actually do use trauma fiction and expressive arts therapy as a way of coping, as has been observed in people even from ages as young as 5. To say otherwise is blatantly untrue. This isn’t a matter of opinion or morals, this is plain, studied facts that you cannot change about human psychology.

Nobody should ever have to go through something as horrible as s*xual abuse of any kind, and I know how deeply upsetting it can be to see certain images or stories with those themes in play. Those users with a sense of decency and understanding for fellow victims will tag their posts with the appropriate warnings. After that, it’s up to you to filter out what you don’t want to see. You curate your own internet experience, and it’s just plain irrational to try and harass everyone into conforming to your rules. While it’s an 18+ blog’s job to make sure to tag and label their content appropriately, it is your job to block the things you don’t want to see, whether you’re an adult or a minor. It is YOUR job to blacklist content that you know will upset you, because it is always going to exist on the internet, and any internet user needs to know and understand that. Multiple times I’d seen people going off about posts that were already appropriately trigger-tagged. If you don’t have those upsetting tags blacklisted by now, then the fault is mostly on you in that kind of case, not the OP.

Before I end this topic off, just one more example of blatant disrespect towards victims:

I’m sorry, but the absolute nerve of comparing some random fictional character you’re petty over to an actual pr*dator who’s terribly hurt real children is just awful. Imagine how insulted one of Onion’s victims would be if they saw that. Lord.

Ginger claims to care about victims, but she’s made it abundantly clear that she only cares about those that behave the way she think a victim should.

4. Ableism

I’m going to just show a couple posts here and let them mostly speak for themselves.

Just... my God. You looked at the definition of psychopath and decided that was enough to give you qualification to speak like this about it? Do you realize the extensive work and study of human psychology goes into the diagnosis and understandings of psychopathy? Not to mention, you just admit to thinking people deserve hate because of a mental disorder they legitimately have no control over? I’m sorry, but that is just cruel. Demonization of the mentally ill is not cute or funny. Next.

While I’m still annoyed with Emmy’s transphobic treatment of another user mentioned earlier, they make a very solid point in this instance. (The first post they referenced has since been deleted, but here’s the second one speaking out against the ableism.) I feel I don’t need to add much to this, as these points have already been argued very well by users better qualified to speak on the subject than I.

5. Manipulation tactics

This part is more observations of two kinds of abuse tactics Ginger appears to demonstrate, using the above as points of reference.

First, there’s DARVO.

Then, less formally, there’s this good point about online cult mentality.

Before you say anything, obviously I don’t think Ginger thinks of herself as some sort of deity. While it could be argued that she considers herself a point of authority within the TOA fandom maybe, I haven’t seen enough of this to say for sure how far that goes. So that point can be ignored, because it mostly doesn’t apply in this case. (The “Dictating parts of your online life” might also not apply, but I can’t say for sure as I haven’t gotten any confirmation of that sort of thing in Ginger’s group.)

But there are grains of truth in the other four points, especially that last one. Plain and simple, she’s made people afraid to speak their minds about even harmless things such as character analysis.

Ginger is someone who can’t seem to comprehend different viewpoints and life experiences. She’s extremely unsympathetic towards people she doesn’t understand, as can be observed in above examples. Assuming malicious intent from everybody you can’t understand is a dangerous and hurtful mindset to have, for both you and those who you unnecessarily scorn.

There are a few outcomes I’ve speculated should she ever come to see this post.

1. She will ignore this post completely, pretending as if it doesn’t exist

2. She will dismiss me as being some sort of horrible person, a p*do apologist or something of the sort (despite being a victim of that myself, clearly she doesn’t care about who’s actually been hurt by real p*dos or not if they don’t conform to her narrow worldview), and claim nothing I’ve said bears any meaning, despite the extensive evidence I’ve provided.

3. She will get people to try and attack me.

4. She will actually address these points in a tactful, mature, and serious manner instead of her usual act of trying to dismiss everything at the slightest hint of non-conformity. (The least likely outcome, but one can dream.)

I could add to this post all day, but it’s long enough as it is and my focus was on getting the main points out of the way. I understand that I lack some of the receipts necessary to back myself up in a few parts, but I know that many other fans have bared witness to those things, so I know there will be at least some people who’ll know what I speak of is true, and that’s good enough for me.

That being said, if anybody has screenshots of the instances I wasn’t able to provide for, it would be greatly appreciated if you could add them into the conversation.

!!!-If you have screenshots, but are too uncomfortable to get involved in this, then you can private-message them to me and I would be grateful and more than happy to add them in while keeping you completely anonymous.-!!!

(I've removed the section with all the tags, as I recognize it was probably going overboard. My goal was just to spread information, not to try and involve those tagged, but I understand how that may have gotten lost in translation and made people uncomfortable. Also, it apparently was showing up multiple times in people’s notifications when I only tagged people twice, so I’m not sure why that glitch happened, but I apologize for that annoyance as well.)

Now, to end us off, my responses to questions or angry comments I’m probably going to get:

You don’t even have all the evidence! How are we to know you’re not just lying about some of this?

Admittedly, I don’t have as much screenshot proof as I would like, that’s true. But for most of the instances I couldn’t provide for, there were other witnesses to her bad behavior. I don’t really have the need to lie when there’s already a lot of knowledge out there of the bad stuff she has done. Nor do I really have the emotional investment in this fandom anymore to lie for the pointless reason of causing drama.

Why post this on a throwaway account if you think people are on your side?

I just don’t really want my main blog associated with TOA anymore, to be frank.

You tagged a bunch of people, so you must be trying to get them to attack Ginger!

No. I tagged a bunch of people because I think this information should be heard on a wider scale, considering the position Ginger has in the fandom. I don’t want her or anybody else to be attacked, but her negative impact on this fandom deserves to be acknowledged.

Again, I don’t think Ginger or any of the others deserve harassment or cyberbullying or anything of that manner, that’s kind of what this whole post is against. And it just hurts the situation more than it helps it. What bothers me is how she’s never apologized for or even once acknowledged the gross way she’s treated people. While she might be more low-key about it now, she still treats people who don’t deserve it like garbage. There are still several people upset about the damage she’s caused to this fandom, rightfully so. I wouldn’t be so loud about making this post if I didn’t think it was something worth drawing attention to.

Thank you for reading.

#TrollHunters #3Below #TOAwizards #Tales of Arcadia #TOA

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k-writer1998 · 3 years

Text

Who Said Love Was Easy? (1/12)

There are many different kinds of people who come and go from your life. Some will stay constant and sturdy like a river, growing alongside you, others will come like a whirlwind who wreaks havoc and leaves just as quickly, then there is everything in between. In this twisted maze of connections, that is where our story begins. A steadfast boy, a girl with a past, a little bit of alcohol, mistakes, and some love. Where can you go wrong with that?

angsty fluff

w.c: 1.6k

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I didn’t think I would see him, here of all places, but at the same time somehow it seemed appropriate. We did meet for the first time when he was drunk confessing his problems to me after all. Who knew he would start working at one of my favorite pubs? Taking my usual seat by the window in the corner, he came by and took my order. Of course because he was drunk when we met he doesn’t seem to recall our encounter at all. “Jeongin” the name tag says… After receiving my order I took my time enjoying my food and subconsciously my eyes followed him around all night. The first thing I noticed was his line of sight. Whenever he had a spare moment to breathe, his eyes scanned the room for a specific person. Watching them interact though made things very clear. Definitely knew each other before working here and he likes her. I think he started to notice my gaze at some point because he would occasionally throw a confused glance at me which turned irritated as time went on. It wasn’t until it got slow and there were only a few people besides me in the pub before he got frustrated and confronted me as he brought my bill.

“What are you?”

“Someone who has feelings for you?”

I innocently cock my head to the side, leaning forward and resting my chin on my hand as I smiled up at him. I saw annoyance flash across his eyes before it was replaced with the polite customer service shine again.

“I'm sorry but-”

“You have feelings for her?” I point to the girl manning the cash register before continuing, “I know. If you're someone like me, you can easily tell.”

“Someone like you?”

“How would you say it? Someone who is in love with love? How long have you liked her anyways?”

“I don't think that’s appropri-”

“It's just a question.”

“... Four years,” he mumbled out as he cast a nervous glance at the girl.

“Ah, I see…”

“Yeah so you should just give-”

“Wait,” I hold up my hand to stop him. “Don’t misunderstand. That doesn't change my feelings for you. That’s not how it works.”

“Feelings? We've only just met.”

“We've met before though, don't you remember?”

I gave him a cheshire-like grin as his face turned into one of questioning before he shook his head to focus on what he was originally doing, rejecting me.

“Well regardless I'll still like her so you're wasting your efforts.”

“With the few facts about me you’ve just learned, do you really think I would like someone who is only capable of shallow feelings? Don't worry, I know fully well what I'm getting myself into. It was nice chatting with you, I have a feeling we’ll be seeing a lot of each other from now on.”

With my bill paid I walked off, knowing I left the boy baffled. As I made my exit, his voice carried over the sound of the few patrons in the pub and a pleased smile crept to my face.

“Who was that?”

“That’s y/n, she’s a regular. She’s sometimes hard to deal with cause of her straightforwardness, you’ll get used to it,” Jaehyung, the owner, laughed.

I didn’t go to the pub any more than I usually did but true to my word I saw Jeongin every time I was there. Nothing underhanded, apparently fate just decided to align our paths for the time being. I’ve also had the chance to meet and talk to Gahyeon, much to the dismay of Jeongin whose careful gaze eyed me every time I spoke to her. Because of this, every time I try to talk to him, he’s apprehensive as if I would extort money from him or something with this information. He has yet to figure out our first meeting too. I know it's a ridiculous notion to expect him to remember a drunk night, but he wasn’t even trying and I couldn’t say it didn’t hurt a little. Especially because he hasn’t left my mind from that night on. My monologue was cut short by Jaehyung’s voice calling out to me.

“How’s my favorite neighbor?”

“I’m your only neighbor Mr. apartment-at-the-end-of-the-hall.”

“As prickly as always I see. How have you been?”

“The same as I was two days ago when you last asked,” I roll my eyes.

“I know you secretly love me bugging you. You’d probably forget how to speak if I didn’t.”

“Whatever,” I roll my eyes, “how’s business been?”

“Pretty good lately, we’re getting a lot of regulars now because they love the newbies. Like look at that smile, refreshing and endearing.”

With that our eyes both glanced over to the table Jeongin was serving and it was like literal flowers were blooming over there. It can’t be denied he had that youthful charm to him but I couldn’t fully appreciate his ambiance when there were girls so obviously flirting.

“If you aren’t careful he might take your self-proclaimed spot as the face of the pub because his looks definitely top yours, especially since he’s fresh and young,” I teased to divert my attention from the scene ahead.

“Okay you brat I get it, you want the old man to leave you alone. You don’t have to attack me to tell me,” he whined.

“I’m only stating the facts, don't be a baby.”

We both laughed and continued to chat more but from the corner of my eye I caught a different watchful gaze. As my eyes fluttered in that direction for a moment, Gahyeon had dropped her gaze frantically. In the next beat my eyes darted to Jeongin, finding him in an instant since I looked for his figure so often, and of course his gaze was on her. Looking back at Jaehyung as he was still rambling and this whole entanglement was going straight over his head but then again he was always a dense one when it came to things like this. Well isn’t this quite the predicament?

Since I stayed later than usual today Jaehyung told me to wait for him so we could go home together, something about it not being safe. I can literally take a taxi but I’m not one to argue with him, I always lose somehow. I went to help with the dishes while everyone was cleaning the rest of the pub and some time in the middle, Jeongin came in.

“When will you stop this?”

“What? Being a regular? Hate to break it to you but I was a regular before you worked here so I technically have seniority,” I stated lightly.

My eyes darted to the side to examine his face as my hands moved on muscle memory. He seems to fidget at my response, casting a nervous glance back to the front of the shop. Ah… and here I thought I was getting under his skin and finally had a fraction of his mind for myself.

“I make you uncomfortable don’t I? Not because I like you but because I know, and I’ve been friendly with Gahyeon right?”

If his eyes widening as big as saucers was any indication, I hit the nail on the head. I felt my pettiness come up and I couldn’t help but scare him a little so that maybe I could occupy his mind just a bit.

“Instead of worrying about what I might say, worry about what I know. You were quite talkative on the night we first met… but I won’t say anything to her. I’m not one to meddle just because I like the person.”

“Ah… uhm, well-”

“You aren’t the confrontational type are you? Cat got your tongue already?” I laugh.

“Well how am I supposed to respond when you already know?” He mumbled.

“Hmm?”

“My bad, sorry. Gotta go.”

I smirked at his flustered exit, his reactions are so cute. I was half way through drying the dishes when Jaehyung caught me, forcing me to sit on the counter in his line of sight as he finished the rest since I’m “not on his payroll.” Of course, like a magnet, Gahyeon appeared and used chatting with me as an excuse to watch Jaehyung. She has it just as bad as Jeongin does for her except this is new to her… either that or she just doesn’t know subtlety.

“Oh so how do you guys know each other? You seem close," Gahyeon asked.

“We’ve been neighbors for three years, he’s the nosy aunty I never asked for. Right Jaehyung-oppa?”

“Hey, I’m no aunty, there’s only a five year age gap.”

“You are when you nag me about eating and my social life all the time.”

He scoffs at my snarky comment and I roll my eyes with a smirk. Focusing back on Gahyeon, her smile seemed to be pulled a bit tighter than before. Obviously this interaction only seemed to fuel her suspicions in addition to it not answering her underlying question of our relationship so she tried again.

“You must be a regular because of him then,” she laughs just as Jeongin comes up behind her.

“Of course. It has my two favorite things, good food and my favorite person.”

My eyes connected with Jeongin’s as the reply fell from my lips, my mixed message registering in Gahyeon’s mind. On the other hand Jaehyung gasped.

“I’m your favorite person?!”

“Who said it was you?” I tested.

“I- If not me, it better be Jimin cause Chan and Younghyun are off limits!”

“Who knows, why does it have to be Jimin-noona?”

My eyes drag back to Jeongin again and the corner of my lip quirks up just a smidge more as I catch him rolling his eyes at me.

#stray kids #stray kids imagines #stray kids au #skz #skz imagines #skz aus #yang jeongin #jeongin imagines #jeongin au #server jeongin x regular y/n #my writing #wslwe?

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odinsmysteries · 3 years

Text

things about me

I’m just going to offload everything sort of “weird“ I’ve noticed about myself. It’s going to be a scattered post, but I need to write it anyway, and it will help me decide what to talk about with a therapist. If you relate, please do let me know! :)

- when I was very young, maybe four or five, I remember being given a flashing frankenstein head for halloween, and I couldn’t turn it off, so I was seized with dread that it would control my mind and drive me insane, and I started crying and panicking about it

- right up until a couple of years ago, I would need my mother to do the magic circle, where she draws a circle around my head with an imaginary wand before I go to bed, so that bad things and demons couldn’t get into my dreams and do harm to me

- in year 8 I watched a horror film and for months afterwards I was scared of zombies coming out from under various things, usually the oven

- I had to stop reading a book called The Ragwitch by Garth Nix because it so utterly terrified me, it was almost real to me, I thought the book character would control my mind

- even things like slenderman and the rake can work me up into a state of panic, especially at night

- in times of stress I start to think somebody will shoot me in the back, always the back, and sometimes I imagine it so strongly I feel it, or that a sniper is watching me up above, etc, and I’ll think that every car is going to veer off the road to kill me, and that someone will push me whenever I’m up high

- currently I have intrusive thoughts when talking to people about sticking my tongue right under their upper eyelid, which is not as bad as the period of time where I couldn’t look at my mother because I’d extremely strongly become repulsed by her nose, but also imagined myself facesitting her... it was very unpleasant

- for a period of time I felt as if my mum was perhaps a robot

- I used to hold my breath around people I didn’t like or who seemed like targets in some way, because I thought breathing in their breath would transmute me into them, almost

- I thought I was a werewolf for a long time as a child; I’d act differently on a full moon, more feral.. thought nothing of growling at people or howling

- sometimes I feel like the world is intensely malevolent, not that people are necessarily intentionally bad, but the consciousness constructed by society itself is a malevolent entity. Ususally I have some awareness of this, but it can escalate to an incapacitating degree, like it did once. I thought, everything is not really real, and I am not real to everyone else, which is liberating in a way, but I realised how these misunderstandings and interpretations are used maliciously by the evil powers, and that even common everyday objects embody malice and deception, because they rely on us giving common meanings to them and not looking deeper

- I do on occasion feel like I am part of a special group who sees the truth of reality and has an incredibly strong burden to share this, a messenger of sorts, and I definitely see myself as a messenger rather than a messiah or prophet, but it is an elitist notion nonetheless, unless of course it is pursued in the boddhisatva sense, but even then..

- since watching a documentary on satoshi nakamoto, I started questioning if I am actually satoshi nakamoto, or some alternate timeline satoshi nakamoto, part of the same consciousness, which ties into the above line of thinking

- the messenger thing also ties into my graffiti of messages of love and love hearts, and it compensates for the rampant hate I see in the world, almost

- for a time I felt as if there was an entity in my head, for it would comment on my activities, usually in a negative way, and I conceptualised it as a 4D being or soul from the dream-world that I’d accidentally brought with me or had ended up in my inadequate human body by accident

- when I am depressed, my thoughts get very loud, and sometimes they seem to come from someone other than me, as in they are uncontrollable and argue all the time, constant thought-conflict between selves... they are not quite audible voices but they are louder than normal thoughts, if that makes sense

- my dad was very invalidating and didn’t like to feed or give us drinks; he’d call us parasites etc and complain about the fact that our mum wanted children, but obviously always guilt trip us if we didn’t want to see him. He also had a weird thing about my bum that I won’t really go into.

- as a child I was very much in my head, though maybe I still am. I just don’t notice it as much now, because these days, I’m most often alone and in my bedroom, making art or reading etc.

I think this is all I have the energy for writing now, but I actually do feel better for getting it out.

I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, as a result of my troubles with university, but I can’t help but think that there must me more going on than that.

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mci-writing · 4 years

Note

hey, do you know cuter-than-a-corgi-butt? well, you see, im corey lewis, the one who kept requesting yan!shinso from her. do you have any idea what happened to her? she deleted her account, is all the information i currently can get, i haven't been able to check up on her lately, i've been too busy with college. if you have any information, please tell me. im worried about her and i miss her. all that anon she got makes me want to cry; nobody fucking deserves that guys, stop it. please.

(Sorry to any and all who get tagged out of nowhere. It's just a small writing rant on the woes of being a fanfic writer, soooo)

So, after talking to a few people, I found out that the anon hate got so bad that they were going to other blogs and saying she was writing smut for minors 🙄. I've been warily avoiding publicly talking about all the recent crap fandom writers have been getting, but I have to come out about it some time.

So, we all know about how Sav was getting crap because someone narrowly decided to try to make it out that she was talking shit about a set of fic writers that are all close (very popular ones might I add) and I'm going to just go ahead and come out and say that it was me talking about them, but not in the way you may think. @savnofilter has constantly been worried about @lady-bakuhoe @katsukisprincess and @burnedbyshoto and the constant ordeal of people coming to them for clout. If anything, she was just voicing her concerns for them and I was the one mainly complaining about the fandom only appreciating characters and concepts for a certain amount of time (to the point where other people who don't write anything that fits those guidelines are unable to get their work out there). The only reason Sav received hate for it was because everything was practically spun out of context and it's Sav's discord server. She then proceeded to take it and then tried talking things out with certain people so that there was no misunderstanding.

With Cuter-than-a-corgy-butt, she was new to writing smut and just wanted to get her work out there. She, like any other person just starting out, used tags she felt were appropriate to get her stuff out there. I'll admit, I barely knew her. I knew of her content and her blog, but other than that, I never really interacted with her. I did see her name in passing with people receiving terrible anon hate, but I had wrongly assumed things had simmered down only to find out today that she deleted her blog due to all of the anon harassment she received. It got so bad that anons were going to other people's blogs and saying she wrote smut for minors when she was aging the characters up. No one's even been able to get in contact with her and all we can really do is hope that she's feeling better, hope that she's fine.

Spice has been receiving similar treatment about tags to the point where there are times she's really discouraged to even continue with certain ideas.

I'm sorry that this answer is becoming what it is (and this is my second time going off in the fanfiction reader part of the community), but it needs to be said. WE WRITE THIS STUFF FOR FREE OUT OF OUR SPARE TIME FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT. INSTEAD OF SHITTING ON WRITERS FOR DUMB SHIT, HOW ABOUT YOU: FILTER YOUR TAGS, UNFOLLOW CERTAIN ACCOUNTS, BLOCK CERTAIN ACCOUNTS, OR REBLOG THE CONTENT YOU ACTUALLY ENJOY SO THAT TUMBLR CAN APPEASE YOUR TASTES BY PRESENTING SAID THINGS TO YOU. Yes, it's a tedious thing to do, but most of people's issues with this site would be fixed if you did all of that. It's bad enough that we have terrible like to reblog ratios in comparison to other parts of fandoms and quite a couple of us writers have left because of shit like this (i.e Coco and Cho and Corgy). The least you can do is make things easier for us is supporting the content creators you enjoy by reblogging, sending in nice messages to our inboxes or private messages, liking the posts you enjoy, or just spouting off about one of your favorite fics.

And one more thing because this is also a problem within the fandom: Just bc a set of writers appear to have beef with one another or some form of an issue doesn't mean you need to be a "White Knight" and take it upon yourself to deal with the issue by sending anon hate. Like, if you're gonna send hate regardless, do it off anon, you pusillanimous. Either way, 9 times out of 10, you have no idea what the situation between them is. Even if one person tells you to go crap on the other, have common sense and don't. The internet is dangerous and crappy and toxic enough without your extra two cents. If you want to tell a creator you saw someone talking about them in what you may assume is ill-manner, don't do it where everyone and their mother, brother, and sister can see. There are private messages for a reason.

And last, but certainly not least, send your favorite content creators the love and appreciation they deserve. Tell them what you like about them, ask them about their day, send them numerous hearts in their inbox, something! It means a lot more than you think.

Writers to send love to from off the top of my head (more may be added later): @savnofilter @bxkulani @gottalovegrammar

@izukumidoriydamn @lady-bakuhoe @burnedbyshoto @katsukisprincess @sadistik

@sparkexplosive @trashy-persons-stuff @strawberryandspiceandchocolate

@wonderwomanfantasy @monst @humanitysfandomhoe @tooloudarts @lord-explosion-baku @disasteren @kbakugouwu

You bitches are all bitching (in the good way😤) and don't let anyone tell you otherwise 💗💗💗

#mci answers asks #writer woes #mci rambles #mci rants #writer rants #fandom disagreements #fandom discourse #bnha #mha #bnha x reader #mha x reader #mha x y/n #mha x you #mha x oc #bnha x oc #bnha x y/n #bnha x you

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jaeknightorbats · 4 years

Text

Tunnel Caprica [M] part 4

Pairings: Baekhyun x Sehun (SeBaek)

Ratings: NC-17

Genre: Smut, dark romance

Description: It was a normal day for convenience store worker Byun Baekhyun when Sehun—a seemingly wealthy man—entered the store, only getting overdosed by drugs afterwards. It was the encounter that would change Baekhyun’s life. It was the encounter that introduced him to a world that should never exist in this already problematic world.

Warnings: Graphic sexual content(!), substance use, drug overdose, alcohol, and strong language

Chapters: Part 1 , Part 2, Part 3 , Part 4 (NEW)

Synopsis: Tunnel Caprica connects two cities under the huge and long mountain ranges of the country Ioca [a-yo-ka], making it one of the longest tunnels in the world with a distance of nearly 40 kilometers. However, people choose to drive the 3-hour long pass than driving through the tunnel, because driving through the tunnel can be claustrophobic—an hour drive with nothing but repeating images of the never ending tunnel. But through the tunnel also hides the entrance to another world that Baekhyun is yet to find out.

Part 4

Word count: 3.7k

Alcohol … indeed led to damnation. His damnation.

It happened so fast. Baekhyun gulped and endured the pain that he was feeling underneath as he drove his car. He immediately left Sehun’s place as soon as he finished his lunch with him. How could he forget about Yuri?

Nothing’s scarier than a mad wife. In Baekhyun’s case, a mad girlfriend.

Baekhyun’s cell phone screen turned black as soon as he tried to turn it on—he was out of battery, he had no idea if Yuri had been trying to contact him or not. Her angry calls and messages were the last thing he was hoping for to receive. He didn’t want to fight, he hated it. He was thinking of excuses to tell her. But different thoughts occupied his mind.

“Fucking shit.”

He lost his virginity.

“Fucking shit.”

And he lost it to a fucking man.

He took a deep breath and let the road keep him sane as he drove back to his place, hoping for the best.

Baekhyun’s eyes wandered slowly around his place with his heart pounding hard, nervous for his life, but at the same time, he didn’t want to show it. Just to mask his guilt of some sort.

He could see the entirety of his place only at one look.

Empty living room, empty kitchen, empty bed.

So far, so good.

Baekhyun sighed in relief that there wasn’t a mad Yuri waiting for him. If no one brought it up, then there wouldn’t be a fight or misunderstandings.

He placed his phone on the backless chair that served his side table next to his bed, leaving it charging. Tired, he sat on the edge of his bed, massaging his forehead.

‘I’m not a virgin anymore.’

He closed his eyes, feeling regretful about everything. He wouldn’t drink that much again, ever.

‘Fuck.’

He shook his head with eyes wide open. Closing it only reminded him of what had occurred—every detail, every sensation. He didn’t know what to feel.

“Fuck,” he muttered, full of regret. “What the fuck was I thinking?”

His phone in his peripherals blinked as soon as it had some charge, grabbing Baekhyun’s attention. He took a deep breath, praying for the best.

He only received one message

From Yuri.

Who else?

I’m breaking up with u

It took a while before the message processed in Baekhyun’s mind. He read it again, and again, until the words ‘break up with you’ was imprinted in his mind.

“Fuck,” he finally said a word. “Fuck,” he said it again.

‘She’s not serious,’ he thought. But knowing Yuri, Baekhyun knew Yuri wasn’t playing—she was mad.

Baekhyun was never used to this feeling. Yuri had broken up with him a couple of times like this, and though they always found a way to make it up, he’d always thought and felt it would be final and real. He probably would never get used to the feeling.

He didn’t know what to feel. He took a deep breath, lying down to his bed. “I don’t know what to do. What should I do?” There were too many thoughts inside his head. Too much, not only Yuri.

Baekhyun jerked awake when suddenly a sharp splash of cold water slapped his face. His mouth opened, his eyes squeezed close, as he pulled his body up from his bed. He didn’t realize he fell asleep in the same position.

“You stupid bastard!”

Baekhyun wiped his wet face with his hand and saw Yuri standing in front of him after he opened his eyes. It was already dark in his place. It must be nighttime already, he fell asleep for too long. No light was lit but he could recognize Yuri’s figure, and he could see her eyes were glowering at him.

“You. Fucking. Stupid. Bastard!” Yuri slapped Baekhyun’s shoulder with her handbag at every word she spoke.

“Stop! Stop! I’m fucking awake,” shouted Baekhyun, protecting himself with his arm, already feeling irritated—waking him up with water. The wetness began to spread on his clothes. “What the hell are you thinking?”

“Why the hell are you not answering my phone calls? Since when did you get back?”

“My phone was dead.”

“My phone was dead, my phone was dead,” she mocked, blabbering his words. “Freaking excuses.”

Baekhyun stood up to face Yuri better, and held her arms. “I’m telling the truth, baby.”

Yuri jolted her arms away from him. “Don’t ‘baby’ me! Then why didn't you call me after you charged!?”

“I fell asleep.”

“Fuck you!”

“Yuri—“

“Did you fuck some rich woman at that party?!”

“WHAT?! No!” That was his initial instinct speaking, to lie. Then an image of everything that had happened—the foreign woman, fucking Sehun, literally—flashed in his mind in a split second. “C’mo—,” he stuttered.

Yuri’s eyes widened, raging with anger, after seeing Baekhyun’s reaction even under the dark room. “You—“

Then Baekhyun remembered something. “Wait, no. Baby, look,” he patted his back pockets but it was empty, then patted his front pocket and felt something thick. He pulled it out from his pocket and showed it to Yuri. “Look.”

Yuri slightly calmed down when she recognized rolled bills in Baekhyun’s hand. “Is that?”

Baekhyun sighed in relief and nodded.

“Oh, my god,” Yuri gasped, grabbing the money from Baekhyun’s hand. “How much are these?” She sat on the bed as she removed the elastic band that was holding the bills.

“I don’t know,” replied Baekhyun, sitting next to her. “I haven’t counted it yet.”

Yuri took her phone from her bag and lit the bills with the phone screen light. “It’s all twenties,” she remarked as she scanned through all the bills. “There must be, like, fifteen hundred dollars in here.”

“What?!” Baekhyun’s mouth gaped, even he was surprised.

“How rich are these people, Baek?”

Baekhyun’s side lips formed into a smile, pleasant to hear that he received such an amount. He pulled something again from his pocket. “Look, babe.”

Yuri’s brows furrowed, lips apart, after seeing another rolled bill on his hand. “What?” Her head tilted. “Baek, what did you do?”

“I guess… I saved a rich man’s ass.”

Yuri scoffed, “Oh, Baek. Come here.” She grabbed Baekhyun’s nape, dropping all her things on the floor, and pulled him close to her for a kiss.

Baekhyun felt weak in his stomach with the aggressiveness of her kiss. Then he whispered while she kissed him, “I thought you were breaking up with me, baby?”

Yuri pulled back to look at him. “I just wanted your attention.” Then she kissed him again, darting her tongue into his mouth. Baekhyun moaned with her kiss, his hand running to her neck. Their lips parted, foreheads leaning against each other. Yuri groaned, “I missed you so much. I thought you replaced me with some rich, old hag.”

Baekhyun chuckled at her statement. Then he looked directly into her eyes, tips of their lips touching one another. “Let’s do it,” he said. “Let’s fuck.”

The light in Yuri’s eyes changed, they looked hungry. “Baekhyun.” Yuri stood up in front of Baekhyun and pushed him harshly down to his bed.

Baekhyun breathed heavily, his heart pounding hard, as he watched Yuri crawl and sat on top of him. One thing he liked about her was her feistiness and how he always felt wanted around her despite the constant fights they had.

Yuri pulled Baekhyun’s shirt over his head and threw it on the floor. She bent her body down to kiss him on his neck to his lips. Baekhyun caressed her smooth and soft thighs under her dress.

“Undress me, baby,” she whispered as she kissed him.

Baekhyun pulled himself up from the bed and did as told. She was wearing a shirt dress. Baekhyun began to unbutton them one by one as Yuri tickled him with kisses on his neck. On the third button, impatience overtook Yuri so she stripped herself and threw her dress on the floor.

She held Baekhyun’s nape as she slowly pushed him down to the bed, grinding herself to him while she dug her tongue to his mouth. Baekhyun bit her lips as her thrusts intensified while she unbuckled his belt.

“Ah…,” a breathy moan escaped Baekhyun’s lips when Yuri ran her hand down to his body, to his cock inside his pants, and stroked it firmly. She stroked it once more and he was hard as fuck.

Baekhyun clenched his jaws, his stomach tensed at the sensation. He held Yuri’s waist as they both bit each other’s lips. She put Baekhyun’s hands higher to her back, telling him to unhook her bra. He fidgeted his fingers around her bra, unable to unhook them.

Yuri softly giggled as she helped Baekhyun unhook her bra. Baekhyun gave up and leaned his elbows against the bed as he watched his girlfriend get naked on top of him.

It was dark, yes, with the nightlight from the window only lighting the room. But the eyes could still see so much under the dark if one looked closely.

Baekhyun inhaled deeply when Yuri unveiled herself to him, his guts weakened when she put his hands onto her breasts. He squeezed them and Yuri smiled. It was soft. He felt so aroused, his dick getting harder and harder, pushing itself into her warm opening. Yuri felt him between her legs as she pressed her breasts to his bare chest as she went back to kissing him on his lips.

No words were spoken, only groans and moans.

Baekhyun tried to dominate the kiss but Yuri was too aggressive with hers but he kinda liked it still. Being controlled. Being under.

Yuri trailed her kiss down to his neck, to his body ‘till she reached his pants, standing on her feet. She unzipped his pants and pulled everything out, showing everything to her.

Yuri kneeled on the bed, directing Baekhyun to change positions, to put his head where the pillows were at. So Baekhyun did as directed. He watched Yuri bent down to his erected cock, and she gently kissed the tip of it, tickling Baekhyun. And she kissed it again, and slightly licked it. Sucked him a couple of times as she held his cock.

Baekhyun liked it. It felt good. He wanted more. But Yuri trailed her kiss back up to his body, to his lips.

“Your turn, baby,” she said as she kissed him, then she pulled his shoulder and turned Baekhyun over to her with her back laying on the bed.

Baekhyun kneeled down between her legs. He suddenly felt nervous. He didn’t want to do it, to eat her clit.

“What’s wrong, Baek?”

Baekhyun gulped, shaking his head as a response, unsure if she could see that. He slowly pulled her panties down. And he could see Yuri. All of her. “You look beautiful, baby.” He went back to kissing her lips, then he whispered, “Have you cleaned it?”

Yuri flinched. “What?”

Baekhyun was nervous. He didn’t find it appealing, but he didn’t want to look selfish, and didn’t want to upset his girlfriend. “Nothing. I love you, baby.” He crawled down between her legs, and Yuri opened them wide for him.

Baekhyun breathed heavily. He could see it, smell it, and even feel the heat that was coming from it. It was glistening, she was wet.

He was thinking, ‘What the hell am I doing?’

His heart was pounding loud, Yuri was waiting for him.

‘Fuck it,’ he thought.

Yuri softly gasped when his tongue slowly licked her folds, her stomach tensed when he did it again. Her skin was burning. Baekhyun was shyly playing with his tongue, treating her womanhood as if it was his first time kissing someone. And it was teasing Yuri, how slow and gentle he was with his tongue, not digging deep enough and exploring around. He certainly didn’t know how to do it, but Yuri kinda liked it. It showed that it must be really his first time.

“Come here, baby.” She pulled Baekhyun up to her and went back to sucking his tongue. She looked into him while he kissed her, and he looked so beautiful.

Yuri bent her head to kiss his neck as she turned him over below her. She sat on his cock, still kissing and softly biting his neck while grinding him. Her hands ran down his chest that she always liked holding, then up and down to his bulky abdomen.

Baekhyun couldn’t control his moans, he liked what Yuri was doing to him. He sifted his hand through her hair and slightly pulled them. He looked at Yuri with dazed eyes and went back to kissing her.

Yuri stroked Baekhyun’s cock as he kissed her, and carefully inserted herself to him. “Oh, Baekhyun,” she moaned. She sat up straight and slowly pushed herself into him.

Baekhyun groaned at the feeling.

She took Baekhyun’s hands and placed them on her breasts. Baekhyun squeezed them tight as Yuri humped herself onto Baekhyun. He squeezed her tighter and tighter as the sensation and feeling intensified. His hips thrusted itself faster onto her, craving for more of this fucking sensation.

No words could come out of their mouths, only loud breaths and screams.

“Baby, you’re so thick,” moaned Yuri as she bent down back to Baekhyun’s body and kissed his neck.

Baekhyun locked his arms around her waist as he thrusted faster and faster, reaching climax. “Baby, I’m coming.”

“Oh, god, no,” she snapped and immediately detached herself away from him, laying beside him.

Baekhyun grunted loud as he squirted out. He was panting loud, feeling a little weak and a little lightheaded, craving for a cuddle. He pulled Yuri to his arms and kissed her cheeks.

Yuri made herself comfortable next to Baekhyun's arms.

“Was I good?” He whispered into her hair.

“Huh?” Yuri glanced at Baekhyun. She wasn’t exactly the most satisfied. “Y-Yeah. Yeah, you were good.”

“Thank you, baby,” said Baekhyun, feeling a little sleepy. “You were good.” He closed his eyes and was able to immediately fall asleep.

Baekhyun was still so tired from the night before, the night with Sehun.

Baekhyun heard a mumbling sound. He blinked his eyes open and it was brighter in his place. It was morning, or at least the next day.

“Did you hear that?”

His eyes trailed to the woman who laid beside him, Yuri.

Then, he remembered.

Ah, yes, they had sex.

Baekhyun collected himself, then said in a gravelly voice, “Hear what?”

Yuri silenced Baekhyun and turned her head around, attentively listening to the sound she just heard. Baekhyun also controlled his breath to listen with Yuri.

Baekhyun’s ears tingled when he heard a familiar beep of a vehicle.

“That!” exclaimed Yuri right away when she heard a car honked twice.

It sounded like the same honk he heard when he had saved a man who got overdosed, Sehun. Baekhyun’s eyes widened.

‘Is he here?’

Baekhyun jumped out from his bed, naked, having panic thoughts. ‘Holy shit, what is he doing here?’

Yuri pulled herself up from the bed, covering herself with the sheet. “Baekhyun, what’s up?”

Baekhyun only looked at her, trying to compose himself. He must not jump into conclusions.

The car honked once more, this time, longer.

Baekhyun darted his eyes towards the blinds near the door and slowly walked towards it. He pulled the blinds slightly open to peek outside.

There he was, Oh fucking Sehun. Leaning on his black G-Wagon, wearing jeans and black turtleneck under a long khaki coat… and blue aviators.

Baekhyun’s heart dropped when Sehun turned his head to Baekhyun’s directions, noticing the slight movements from the blinds. “Shit,” he cursed, immediately pulling away from the blinds.

“Shit,” he muttered again. He ran back to his bed and took the first pair of shorts he got his hands on—a boxer shorts—from his cupboard.

“Why? Who was that?” Asked Yuri, watching his boyfriend in a haste.

“U-Uhm,” he stuttered, grabbing the sweater hanging on the headboard of his bed. “I-It’s—,” he couldn’t think straight. His head was all over the place. Sehun was outside his place! “Just stay here.” He pointed a finger to Yuri and ran towards the door.

The sun was bright when Baekhyun opened the door, making him frown deeper with his eyes squinting at Sehun. He gave the man who was still leaning at his vehicle a what-the-hell-are-you-doing-here look, as he closed the door. He immediately dug his bare hands onto his sweater due to the chilly climate.

“Just woke up?” Sehun scoffed, sliding his aviators above his head.

With Baekhyun’s hair all over the place, he shook his head and brushed his hair with his hand as he walked to Sehun. “What’s up?” He tried to keep his cool, Sehun must be there for business.

But Baekhyun couldn’t help but be in awe at the shiny black G-Wagon behind Sehun since it was his first time seeing it under the sunlight. It was nearly 7-foot high.

“Yeah, I was around the area…” Sehun opened the door of his car and took a leather coat bag and a string bag.

Sehun continued, “I thought of dropping by you these.” He handed the things to Baekhyun.

“For tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

“5PM, right?”

Sehun nodded. “The clothes are a little old, but I think it’ll fit you just fine.

“Baekhyun?”

“Shit,” Baekhyun cursed as soon as he heard Yuri’s voice. He gritted his teeth, nervously turning around to face Yuri. “Hey, babe.”

“Hey,” Yuri weakly said as if she just woke up. She tied her hair to a bun as she walked towards them. She was only wearing one of Baekhyun’s thin shirts and a loose short, revealing a lot of her white youthful skin from head to toe.

Baekhyun’s eyes widened when two bumps from her shirt wanted to reveal itself from them.

‘Where’s her fucking bra?’ He thought.

Sehun looked at Baekhyun, scoffing at him. “Finally did the deed, huh?”

Baekhyun didn’t know what to say with Yuri approaching them and her breasts saying hello to them.

“You must be… Yuri,” said Sehun, smiling, handing his hand to her as soon as she reached them.

Yuri blinked, surprised that this man, that this tall, dashing man, knew her name. She felt flattered. “Oh.” She gave a shy smile, reaching her hand to Sehun.

A thorn pierced through Baekhyun’s chest seeing their interaction, and how Yuri flirtatiously looked at the flirtatious Sehun. And he could just see the subtle smirk in Sehun’s cheek, he could just see and feel it. Despite it being their first time interacting, it was obvious to Baekhyun that she was blown away by how good looking Sehun was, such charisma he had.

Who wouldn’t be?

Baekhyun’s eyes widened. ‘What the fuck, Baekhyun?’

‘I’d fuck her, if you let me.’ Baekhyun clearly recalled what Sehun said.

“Ok, that’s enough.” Baekhyun pushed the coat bag to Yuri to cover her front, separating her and Sehun apart. But she was still mesmerized by Sehun's eyes.

“Baekhyun told me everything about you,” said Sehun, not breaking eye contact with Yuri.

“What?” Baekhyun and Yuri said in unison, only Yuri was a little shy and blushing.

“Though he didn’t tell me you were this beautiful,” added Sehun.

Yuri blushed, softly chuckling, “He’s kinda protective.”

Sehun raised his brows to Baekhyun, “Oh, is he?” His lips slightly curved downwards. “Protective.” Then, rolled his eyes back to Yuri. “Well, I understand. A woman as pretty as you should be protected.”

“Hey,” Baekhyun darted his eyes at Sehun, warning him. “Don’t.”

Sehun scoffed, “Protective.”

'Piece of shit,’ Baekhyun thought.

Sehun clapped his hands. “Say what, me and my friends are going to the club downtown tonight. You guys are invited.”

“What?” Baekhyun reacted.

“Yes!” Yuri exclaimed.

“No,” Baekhyun then disapproved. “No, we’re not going,” he said decisively. He looked at Yuri, wearing a serious frown, and said in a low voice, “We’re not going.”

Baekhyun was scared.

Yuri pouted, “But, why? It’s been so long since we last went to a club.”

“Yeah, Baekhyun. You guys don’t have to drink, just be there. Even just for an hour,” said Sehun, again, with his promising tone. It was absolutely frustrating to Baekhyun how Sehun always managed to get into his head and make everything feel okay.

“Please, Baekhyun,” begged Yuri.

Baekhyun was scared not only for him and Yuri.

Baekhyun inhaled from his teeth. “But I have a shift tonight.” He tried to find an excuse.

“Just ditch it,” suggested Sehun.

“Yeah, just let Chanyeol take your shift. Please.”

“That’s right!” Encouraged Sehun even though he didn’t know who they were talking about.

Baekhyun closed his eyes in frustration. “Fine,” he said against his will.

“Yes!”

“Good. See you both tonight. 10PM.” Sehun walked around his car and drove away.

Baekhyun was scared of what Sehun was capable of.

To be continued...

A/N: Sorry it took me so long to update! I hope you’re still there. Idk how this works but if you wanna be on a taglist or something, just let me know!

And if you want updates, follow me on twitter @/jaeandbats

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hellomynameisbisexual · 4 years

Text

5 Ways That Bi Erasure Hurts More Than Just Bisexual People

December 2, 2014 by Milo Todd

This year, Bisexual Awareness Day/Celebrate Bisexuality Day was on September 23rd.

That same day, the National LGBTQ Task Force thought it’d be a good idea to post an article entitled “Bye Bye Bi, Hello Queer,” in which leadership programs director Evangeline Weiss said “she is ready ‘to say bye bye to the word bisexuality.’

She said it does not describe her sexual orientation, and she encouraged readers to cease using the word as well as she felt it reinforced a binary concept of gender.

Let me drive that home a little more. The National LGBTQ Task Force not only thought it would be a good idea to publish an article insulting, misrepresenting, and forsaking the bisexual letter in their own name, but did so on Celebrate Bisexuality Day.

Rude.

And a fantastic example of the constant, ongoing erasure bisexual people have to deal with. This one just happened to be incredibly blatant.

What happened as a result of that article? People got pissed.

People got so pissed that the Task Force not only removed the article from their website, but posted in its place this non-apology (it keeps being referred to as an apology, but I’m not so easily pleased): “Having listened to a wide array of feedback on the timing and content, we recognize that this blog offended people. For this we sincerely apologize. It has been removed.”

In other words, “Sorry you got pissed off. Hopefully you’ll shut up if we take it down.” Which, as far as I can tell, isn’t much of an apology for a blatant disregard of an entire community of people.

Misunderstanding of the bisexual community has been the crux of biphobia’s history and the ongoing battle to erase bisexuality from the LGBTQIA+ community.

It’s a scary time to be bi, especially when your lesbian, gay, pansexual, and queer siblings and allies are calling for your blood simply because they’ve fallen victim to the mainstream agenda without realizing it. (Say what?! Jump to #5.)

It’s time for a change.

It’s time for all of us to properly understand one another and to — hope of hopes — become allies for our incredibly similar endeavors. To help initiate that friendship, I ask you, dear reader, to go through the following three steps.

Step 1: Look below. If I’ve played my cards right, virtually every reader should find at least one category with which they identify.

Step 2: Approach your designated section(s) with an open mind, an unprejudiced heart, and a desire to further enhance your own community/ies. It’s difficult for people to learn new things and see different views if they automatically approach them with resistance, which is often the case with bisexual topics.

Step 3: See how bi erasure hurts you as a person and, while you’re at it, likely hurts the people you care about. Because it really is happening.

So here are five ways in which bi erasure is hurting people of layered identities.

1. Female-Identified People and Feminists

Bisexuality is one of the only non-monosexual* identities currently recognized in the English-speaking world. If bisexuality is kept underground, it suppresses our limited, precious resources for open discussion about non-monosexuality. This hurts female-identified people and feminists regardless of their sexual orientation.

To this day, female-identified people can’t get a fair shake. Pay is unequal, birth control access is limited, and objectification is a daily thing. Non-monosexual women in particular are often not taken seriously because they’re seen as sluts, greedy, or unable to make up their minds.

Also, the general fetishizing of women is particularly intensified in the bisexual realm by (straight-identified) men, turning the very act of women’s sexual freedom, empowerment, and self-expression into nothing more than something for male gazes. (This is most often seen through the relentless prompts for female-female-male threesomes and masculine catcalls in bars when two femme-appearing women make out.)

By participating in or casually allowing bi erasure to happen, we’re ignoring the specific plights and abuses of bisexual women, thereby contributing to the ongoing problem of female inequality, objectification, and silence.

As feminists, we can’t pick and choose which women to fight for. The complexities of womanhood — and all of its cultural suppressions — are an all-or-none deal.

*Note: Non-monosexuality usually refers to someone who is interested in more than one sex or gender. (In other words, somebody who isn’t gay, lesbian, or straight.) Another way to say “non-monosexuality” would be “polysexuality” to help keep it from sounding negative.

2. Male-Identified People and Male Liberationists*

Just like with female-identified people and feminists, bi erasure hurts male-identified people and male liberationists regardless of their sexual orientation.

Allow me to make this pretty basic: Men continue to be fed the message that being gay is bad. Being gay means you’re not really a man, which means you lose your dude membership and the bulk of your male privilege. And since gayness equals the slightest shred of attraction to or intimacy with another male, all manners of bromance must be squashed.

In short, many guys live in a state of silent terror in this regard.

Bi men are afraid of being banished from the world of lady-loving, gay men are worried about losing all of their connections to hetero land, and nothing is worse for a straight man than being called a fag.

Constant monitoring, constant filtering, constant stress: Is this really the kind of world we guys want to keep living in?

By being able to talk about bisexuality — remember: one of our only non-monosexual identities — male-identified people can begin to break free from the masculine ideal.

Bi talk helps bridge the gap between being a man (straight) and not being a man (gay) and realizing, hey, having some manner of attraction to or intimate interaction with another guy is totally okay, masculinity unscathed.

Gay men can begin to regain their identities as men, bi men can finally start coming out, and “fag” will lose its strength as an insult from one straight man to another.

*Note: Male liberationists are more or less seen as allies to feminists and vice versa. Both will argue that patriarchy is bad, but while feminists talk of how it’s bad for females, male liberationists talk of how it’s bad for males. Examples include the inability to romantically or sexually love another male, the emasculation of men of color, and the physical, verbal, and mental abuse that comes from society’s expectations to be stereotypically masculine.

3. People Who Identify as Trans Sexual, Trans Gender, Genderfluid, Genderqueer, or Gender Non-Conforming

This one’s pretty easy. Some people on the trans spectrum identify as bisexual. But then they’re told they can’t or that it’s an insult to their trans siblings because bisexuality is believed to be trans-exclusive.

The problem with bi erasure is it adds to the ongoing problem of cis people — LGQ or not — telling trans people what to think. Cis people have a bad habit of thinking they need to speak for people on the trans spectrum even when trans people are quite capable of speaking for themselves. This is even more frustrating when it comes from a community supposedly meant to support them.

Despite the personhood for which they’re continuing to fight, trans people can receive backlash from the lesbian, gay, and queer communities as their identities and bodies are turned into political battlegrounds.

Sometimes, they’re used without consent by some cis individuals so that points can be made for non-trans-specific agendas, and sometimes they’re ironically used in the attempts for cis identities to help better the trans worlds.

For instance, automatically dismissing bisexuality as trans-exclusive and guilting any person on the trans spectrum that wants to identity as bisexual, if I may make so fine a point.

As blogger Aud Traher writes, “If you want to support trans people like me, don’t erase me or speak over me or cause me harm out of self-righteous biphobia. Look into yourself and deal with that internalized biphobia and then help others get over theirs. Don’t advocate for the destruction of a community in the name of ‘saving’ it. And, especially, don’t do it in my name.”

4. People Who Identify as Gay, Lesbian, or — Yes — Straight

Quite simply, it makes gays and lesbians (and straight people) look bad, too.

Bisexual people get a bad rap for apparently upholding the gender binary by saying they love only (cis) men or (cis) women, but isn’t that pretty much exactly what gays, lesbians, and straight people are saying when they identify as gay, lesbian, or straight? That they’ll only love either (cis) men or (cis) women?

But where’s their rampant backlash from the rest of the community for upholding the gender binary? I’m just sayin’.

Even when these groups extend their definitions to include trans people and people on the gender non-conforming spectrum, it’s often still as long as those trans people exhibit some manner of gender representation that falls into the lover’s category of desire.

Now, I’m honestly not trying to rag on gays, lesbians, or even straight people. They have as much right to identify how they want as anybody else. And there’s nothing wrong with feeling primarily attracted to only, say, cis or trans men if your brain simply tells you that you only like guys. That’s fine. Go ahead and do that. I’m not saying you can’t.

What I am saying is you can’t be spewing bi hate or letting bi erasure slide because 1) it’s incredibly one-sided and unfair, and 2) in the end, it’s making you look bad, too.

What do you think will happen if bi erasure is a success? You’ll be next, dears.

*cue Jaws theme*

5. People Who Identify as Queer, Pansexual, or Another Fellow Non-Monosexual

In late October, Lizzy the Lezzy — who I quite enjoy, by the way — shared a photo on her Facebook timeline explaining sexuality in terms of guests at a BBQ.

This would be all well and good if it didn’t include a glaring misconception about bisexual people, especially when compared to pansexuals. While bisexual people were defined as getting both hot dogs and hamburgers, pansexuals were defined as getting hot dogs, hamburgers, “and a salad.” Oops. What year is this again?

I’m going to make something very plain to you, dear reader: Bisexual people don’t just love (cis) men or (cis) women. That’s not how the ballpark definition goes. The “bi” in “bisexual” does not indicate a binary. Well, okay, it does indicate a binary, but probably not the one you think.

Instead of “bi” meaning a love for only cis men or cis women or otherwise putting men and women at two opposite ends of a spectrum, “bi” means a love for identities bisexual people identify with themselves and identities that they don’t.

Or, as the popular Robyn Ochs definition goes: “I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”

Look at that very closely. That’s still a binary. That’s still “bi.” And there isn’t a thing wrong with it, no exclusion to be seen.

When compared with the general concepts of pansexuals and queers, our orientations suddenly sound pretty darn similar: We love everyone.

Bisexual people get a bad rap for apparently being transphobic. While we’ve already seen a little bit in #3 as to why we aren’t, I want to further drive the point home here. A large portion of the transphobic accusations toward us come from the queer and pansexual communities, which in turn seem to derive from some serious misinformation and misdirection by the mainstream.

For the record, queers and pansexuals are cool. I like them. But the fact of the matter is that the misconception of the “bi” in “bisexual” as meaning an attraction to only (cis) men or (cis) women — and therefore upholding the gender binary — was created and imposed upon bisexual people by the mainstream. You know, the people that want the gender binary to stick around.

And some queers and pansexuals ate the propaganda they were fed? That’s terrifying. It starts to show just how large and sneaky the mainstream’s gender binary monster truly is.

By defining and erasing bisexuality on the grounds that it upholds the gender binary, pansexuals and queers are not only reinforcing the binary they so sorely wish to dismantle, but they are losing important focus on where the problem actually resides: the mainstream’s insistence to force the gender binary on non-mainstream groups such as bisexual people.

Further, holding bisexual people responsible for the abuse they’ve suffered is simply wrong. All that’s doing is blaming the victim. But, by recognizing and respecting bisexual people as they truly are, bisexual people can not only help dismantle the gender binary and put a new definition on the concept of the spectrum, but finally be allowed to team up with pansexuals and queers to crush mainstream abuse on non-mainstream identities.

Doesn’t that sound nice? I think it sounds nice.

TL;DR

Dear non-bisexual identities, please stop shooting yourselves in the foot and then wondering why you’re missing toes.

We’re here for the same reasons you are: for the right to love whoever we want and for the right for others to do the same.

So let’s finally be friends. We’re never going to get anything done if we keep spending our time putting each other down.

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qqueenofhades · 4 years

Note

Top 3 things I loved about Deus Vult: 1. All the historical and cultural details and how neatly they tied into and elevated the story, without it feeling like heavy handed exposition or scoring points for accuracy. 2. How you showed how awful the crusades, and war in general, are, but without the sense of "hurr durr ye olden days were all terrible", but instead contrasting things like the time Yusuf spent with his mother, or their time together in Constantinople, versus what the crusades... 1/2

2/2... did to those places, and the people - the bit that really hit me was the introduction to Phil, and his propensity for screaming like he's never been fed in his life, and then seeing him lying in the street - that hurt bruh. 3. The whole idea, best exemplified in Nicky & Quynh's conversation that hundreds of years of pain and loss and heartbreak don't have to turn you into a grimdark (tm) angsty tool, but instead it's an endless series of chances to do the right thing...

3/2 And even if that right thing isn't guiding humanity to this wonderful utopia, but just standing up for what is good and right, and speaking for them as has no voices. But yeah, whole thing was incredible and I really really loved it and thanks for writing it

Ahaha, I did change the title slightly, to Deo Volente, as a commenter kindly reminded me that (because they ruin everything) white supremacists and the alt-right have co-opted the other version of the phrase for their Nazi crusades fantasia, and I obviously did not want any confusion or misunderstanding with that. “Deo volente” means the same thing in Latin, just a slightly different version of the phrase (”God willing” vs “God wills it.”) So yes, sigh. White supremacists: still the worst.

Anyway, I’m so happy that you enjoyed it so much, and this comment is delightful to me because it picks up on many of the things that I personally enjoyed about this fic (as I said, possibly the most self-indulgent thing I’ve ever written). I’ve had so many lovely comments on AO3 raving over the history, that either they knew some of it already or they’re learning so much of it, and as an early career academic who’s struggling with the job market and feeling useless that I currently can’t do professionally what I’m good at: really,you have NO IDEA how much it truly warms my heart to have people tell me that I’m teaching them something real and valuable (and in the course of gay historical romance enemies to lovers Feelings, which we all have to admit has to be a pretty painless way to do it?) Obviously, anybody who has spent two seconds on my blog knows that I have Strong Opinions on the “hurr durr ye olden days were all terrible” thing, and there was never any chance that was happening. Instead, I very much wanted to do exactly as you say: creating these moments of beauty and wonder and magic, showing how happy they were in places like Constantinople, and then what the crusades ultimately did to those beautiful things, and how it got turned and twisted into something so awful (and frankly, was pretty awful to start with). Obviously this is VERY relevant to what’s going on right now, and the entire “War on Terror,” and.... yes. It’s very relevant to the arc and themes of the whole story and especially post-9/11.

(And yes, Phil. That whole latter third of the chapter during the sacking of Constantinople, as noted, just gives me a lot of emotions. It’s fine.)

And I ended up LOVING Nicky and Quynh’s relationship (and hurting myself deeply as a result). Obviously we never see them together in canon, we just hear Nicky (and Joe) explaining what happened to her, and that whole conversation is deeply poignant in that we KNOW what’s going to happen to Quynh. She’s going to face an even worse kind of totally dehumanizing and insanity-causing experience, she’s going to be put in the position of whether to completely turn her back on everything she loved and swear herself to revenge, and her expressing that fear that she wouldn’t be strong enough to resist that temptation, that she might BECOME a monster, is... ouch. (Where is my sequel goddammit I need the Quynh Reunion and the feelings not just with Andy but Nicky and Joe /gnaws own arm off.) And obviously Nicky being the world’s biggest romantic as usual and talking about how he didn’t even consider giving into revenge long-term because Joe was there, and he always knew that was worth more. In other news, I hate them.

ALSO YES, the idea that you CAN take pain and it can make you kinder, that we all have a choice as to how to respond to all the bad things happening around us (even if not on the same scale/long-term view as the immortals). We’ve all learned that by how utterly much of a shitshow 2020 is for everyone, and I think a lot about the lesson that, unlike every single Grimdark Fantasy (tm) and Macho Post Apocalyptic Fantasy Where Only The Strong Survive, we can become better even in the face of total darkness, and in fact, it’s the only way forward to any kind of future for anyone. The so-called “strong” are throwing fits over being forced to wear face masks in a pandemic and sitting on their hands while America descends into fascism, while in places like Portland, we have middle-aged mothers in bicycle helmets standing in a human chain to protect BLM protestors from the literal American Gestapo. So after Joe and Nicky try to fix everything permanently from on high with the Sixth Crusade, and then that doesn’t work, they have to reckon with the fact that like everyone else’s, their lives are going to be a series of choices, of small steps, of making things better where they can, and accepting that that will not be forever, rather than just doing it once and thinking that will work forever. They likewise can’t blame ordinary people for not living long enough to see the same things that they do, and they have to understand that they’ll see it crumble over and over, and still hold onto their goodness and desire to do the right thing, and.... yes.

They can’t just work with the kings and sultans and powerful people of the world and try to think that that’s the solution (as Nicky says during their conversation in Malta in chapter 5). They have to stand with the little people, the powerless, the people who aren’t going to get paid attention to in any of these wars, and do what they can, when they can, even in the face of total horror (as is the case with Joe in chapter 6). I really LOVE the movie (and love it more with every rewatch) for so totally demolishing the idea that a) superheroes can only Fix Big Things and b) that being kind even in the smallest and anonymous ways doesn’t ultimately matter. Because it DOES. We’ve all justifiably bagged on Marvel for totally giving into hollow CGI spectacle rather than any kind of authentic conflict that feels personal and constant manufactured conflict between the characters, and on GOT for “everyone is secretly awful and no good deed goes unpunished,” and I really, truly love the fact that the core message of The Old Guard is to do good for the most vulnerable among us, and that it DOES make a difference. Because there are so, so many of the usual tired tropes and cliches that they could have done, and they didn’t. It’s optimistic and hopeful and makes a statement about moral good without being saccharine; it doesn’t feel like we’re being force-fed some Disneyfied version of good and evil, but rather that the good can exist with, and ultimately overcome, even the worst evil. So that was a theme I also wanted to explore in the fic, with both the beauty and the pain, and obviously I also emotioned over that.

Just. Gah. Anyway. I had feelings about that story. Thanks for giving me a chance to talk about some of them.

#the old guard meta #tobsjpalfrey #ask #dvla asks

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gacy-lajla · 4 years

Text

Jeon Jungkook X Reader || False Alarm

Genre: Love Alarm!AU, it’s not really fluff or angst just a lot of frustration and misunderstandings??

Warnings: mild use of foul language, probably a lot of errors because I never proofread I’m sorry

Word count: 2,413

Summary: Love Alarm is a brand new app and will contact you if someone in a 10 metre radius fell for you – given they have the app, too. You didn't download it for personal reasons and when you meet one of the schools heartthrobs he cannot stop and wonder why his alarm didn't go off when you locked eyes. But would it even do so if you downloaded the app?

You two locked eyes across the hallway, it was hard to block out the constant ringing of his Love Alarm going off as students passed him by, here and there other people received a notification as well, checking it quickly if perhaps by any chance Jungkook was a match.

Offering a small smile as the boy didn't look away you continued moving again, passing him by as you couldn't wait and finally leave this place filled with lovesick puppies. Stepping out of the building the atmosphere didn't seem to change for one bit, the occasional ringing to be heard and longing gazes were thrown around as students hoped for their crushes to pass them by and possibly alerting their mobile devices. Here and there you saw students just minding their business which made you feel not totally out of place, which was nice to see.

Leaving school grounds you finally seemed to escape the madness of people longing for love – and now that you were sure there was a very low possibility of someone calling your name you pulled out your headphone. Plugging it in you were about to blend out the outside world and dive into your very own but a quite large hand on your shoulder made your reflexes kick in and in one quick and swift movement you escaped the touch and faced the person to evaluate the situation. To your surprise you were face to face with heartthrob Jeon Jungkook – who you noticed staring at his phone right after you turned around. Your eyes narrowed slightly and you tried to read his facial expression, but as expected nothing would break his flawless facade. Seconds went by without a word uttered and he finally thought it would be a good idea to look at you after startling you like this. You were worried his oh-so-perfect eyes might have been glued to his phone for forever.

But still, none of you said something. You were about to ask him what he wanted but stopped yourself after noticing the smallest change in his face. His eyebrows seemed to have drawn closer, an uncharacteristic frown having formed as he looked you up and down. Feeling uncomfortable under his gaze you crossed your arms protectively over your chest and your gaze hardened.

“Is there a problem?”

No reaction. Of course, why would someone so popular speak to someone like you, after all? Didn't he have somewhere better to be? As you were about to turn around he took a step forward, the hand grasping his phone coming closer to you and you took a cautious step back. What the hell was his problem?

“Why isn't my Love Alarm notifying me about you?”, he asked, and never really having talked with him his tone threw you off a little. He sounded genuinely confused. Given that his alarm always went haywire, no matter the other persons gender, you kind of understood his confusion but at the same time he seemed like one of the most narcissistic people you have ever met.

“Do you just expect everyone to love you?”

This seems to have hit a nerve and he backed off a little, your shoulders relaxed as a result but your arms remained crossed. You could see the gears in his head turning, trying to process what you had just said.

“I mean... it kind of always-”

“Dude, I understand that your ego can't take this so lightly but I really want to go home and not deal with this right now so if you could just-”

“Hey, that was fucking rude, I just asked you a question – I guess the alarm not going off really means you hate me, then!”

Your eyes widened at his loud words and your shoulders tensed once more.

“Just because your stupid alarm didn't go off it doesn't mean someone hates you, it just means they don't love you romantically! I don't see what the big deal is, Jeon, so could you please leave me alone?”

Not saying another word after the exchange you put on your headphones and walked off, not wanting to deal with this unnecessary argument any more. Honestly, what was wrong with this guy? Was he so spoiled that he really didn't understand the concept of not everyone wanting to kiss his feet the moment they meet him? He really must've been fed with a silver spoon all of his life if that was true. Or maybe this app just failed in its purpose – there were quite some flaws, the biggest being that people would only rely on it to know if someone loved you. It was kind of measuring the worth of hoping for a relationship. If it didn't go off after the first meeting, why bother trying?

“This is so stupid, love isn't something that happens on a first glance. Attraction, sure, but this – this is ridiculous!”, you mumbled angrily, your footwork being more intense than usual, your pace much faster. You could feel your heartbeat so you tried to calm yourself, taking a deep breath. This wasn't your problem, you didn't have the app so you wouldn't have to deal with all of this. Not that you were interested, really.

A few days passed, the weekend successfully isolating you from the majority of the school you went to. Only a few familiar faces popped up here and there, but nothing too engaging. But soon enough Monday rolled around again and you tiredly slumped against your desk, not having slept enough the night before. You still had around ten minutes before the first class would start so you chatted with your friends.

“Isn't Woosung coming today? He never misses his classes.”

The question made you lift your head and look over at your friends, one of them turning theirs away embarrassedly, visibly turning pink.

“I don't think he is, we kind of... got into an argument? I don't know. We met up yesterday at an cafe and made a bet on whose love alarm would go off first when we download it and, uh-”, there was a brief pause when they looked around to make sure nobody was listening before leaning in, “Mine kinda may have gone off first and it mayhap could have been him who made it go 'bling bling', if you know what I mean and then he just excused himself and left-”

“It did what?”

“Woosung likes you?”

“Did you talk with him after the incident?”, you piped up quietly. Embarrassed they rubbed their neck.

“I don't really know what I should write him. 'Thank you for liking me'? I don't even know if I feel the same way about him and it was just a game-”

“But his feelings aren't a game for him. You should try and talk to him, tell him you need time to figure this out, at least.”

“Right.”

After that the conversation died down and not much later the first class started, the rest off the day passing by rather quickly and you soon found yourself on the campus again, swiping out your phone to shoot Woosung a quick message, asking him if he was alright. You worried a little for him but you were also sure that he'd get back up quickly again. Before you could pocked your mobile device away again you were met with three bodies aimed in your direction. The figures were lean and you groaned internally. Curse people who were taller than you.

“Can we talk?”

You looked up at the person who spoke, immediately recognizing him as one of the hot topics at this school, a friend of Jungkook. You weren't that busy but you also didn't want to speak with them, not knowing what this would be about, maybe a Love Alarm thing again and they also didn't understand why it wouldn't react with you being in close proximity. But then again, you were really bad at saying no when you didn't see a visible threat and people were around to witness.

“Sure”, you said, shrugging, nervously holding your phone tighter. You looked to the other two to identify them, you weren't entirely sure but you'd guess that before you were Jin, Jimin and Taehyung. The one that spoke to you actually had pretty broad shoulders which was almost scary. What did his parents feed him?

“It's not really our matter what happened between you and Jungkook, but we have to deal with him and his reaction now, so we wanted to talk with you about what occurred last Friday”, the smallest of the group said, his face not telling you much about his emotions, except for a small pout.

“You're right, it's none of your business and I don't see what there needs to be talked about. His alarm didn't ring, so what? So didn't yours or anyone's when I'm around, it should just be an indicator that I am not romantically invested in anyone.” You talked in a steady and calm matter, not wanting to make this into some big conflict you didn't want to be part of. But your plans had to be crushed when the last one of the boys spoke up – definitely emotionally more invested about this than the other two.

“That didn't mean you have to tell him that you hate him! That was totally rude and uncalled for, our Kookie doesn't deserve this, we want you to apologise!” At his loud and deep voice you took a cautious step back, your heart racing which you tried to mask with a neutral expression, but your tense body gave away your anxiousness. His two friends tried to calm him down a little by placing their hands on his back, whispered words were being exchanged while you thought of the quickest way to get out of this situation. You didn't have to talk to somebody accusing you of things you didn't do, right?

Just as you were about to take a step towards the gate you felt a hand on your shoulder, a strong feeling of deja vu washing over you. Reflexes kicking in quicker than your brain could take anything in you slapped the hand away quite harshly.

“Don't touch me!”

Surprised at your own volume you only dared to stare at the ground, three pairs of shoes visible before you turned around once more, determined to leave. Even when you heard voices asking you to wait you didn't falter. Asking you to apologise for something you didn't do was already a hot take but them touching you without permission, even when it only was your shoulder, was the last straw. Had they used their voices first, maybe you would've stayed, but this act of dominance, wanting to turn you around by physical contact, that is something you were taught not to accept that easily.

The next day went by just as fast, Woosung, after some texts, seemed to have brightened up and actually showed up again. He still seemed a little stiff with your other friend around but he also knew that he didn't want to lose this friendship with them, which they were grateful for. You on the other hand still had your thoughts set on the fiasco from the day before. It was weird how an app could complicate things so much. And you didn't even install it once.

What made you more nervous was the fact that you had classes with Jungkook today. You really didn't like seeing his face around any more. How could he tell his friends the lies about you hating somebody you barely knew? You just knew that he was the hot stuff to other people around you, which you couldn't deny – he was attractive. But there was nothing in your brain that told you 'oh, I wish I could be in a relationship with you so, so bad'. And to your brain he was nothing more than something nice to look at from time to time.

Which you didn't notice, because you don't take note of a lot of people, is that you shared that same class with one of the guys you met the other day. Taking a deep breath the moment you noticed them you rushed to your seat. You didn't even have time to hope for peace and quiet because they were already by your side. Course breaks, for once, because you really were getting sick of this.

“Look, I'm not going to apologise for something I didn't do – I never said I hated you, that's something you assumed beca-” You couldn't finish your sentence, you would've hadn't it been for the words that left Jungkook.

“I'm sorry.”

“Huh?” You looked up at him from your seat, confused as if he'd just grown a third eye. You waited for him to continue, because it looked like he wanted to say something more. It took quite the nudge from his friend who you recognised as the one who raised his voice at you.

“I'm sorry about assuming things I shouldn't have. It was wrong of me. And I'm sorry for bothering you with all this because of the app. And for telling my friends things about you that weren't true.”

His whole manner seemed a lot more stiff than you were used to, his voice wavering at some points.

“Apology accepted, I'm also sorry for probably sounding a lot ruder than I needed to be.”

“I'm also sorry for... yelling at you yesterday. It wasn't my place to do so, I just don't like to see my friends getting hurt so I lost my temper, sorry.” You were surprised at – Taehyung? - also speaking up, but you appreciated it. It was nice to see people learn from their mistakes.

“It's alright, I understand why you did what you did.” You paused, thinking about telling Jungkook that you didn't even have Love Alarm, but the setting seemed too out of place. Maybe another time, you were just glad that this situation was now solved.

#bts scenarios #bts x reader #bts imagines #bts fanfiction #bts #jeon jungkook x reader #jeon jungkook #jungkook x reader #reader insert #reader #look at me not posting past midnight i'm so proud of myself

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