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mylight-png · 7 months

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This is going to be a little different from my usual posts, but here I go anyways.

It is rare, especially now, for online content to make me really and truly happy. But today I saw something that both made me really happy and also made me think.

I was scrolling through TikTok and came across multiple videos of the same kind. A woman wearing a hijab was finding other Muslim women and was helping them try on a hijab for the first time. These videos brought me so much joy. The hijabi woman's gestures were so kind and loving, she seemed almost like an older sister to the other women. The care with which she helped them put on the hijab was so sweet. And then there was the reaction of the women to wearing a hijab for the first time. There were before and after shots, and every single time, the "after" photos of them in the hijab were so happy. It was so pure to see women finding joy in dressing in a way that brought them comfortable.

But even more interestingly, it was a joy I recognized. The sisterly and caring gestures of the more experienced hijabi were familiar too.

The joy I saw in the "after" photos was reminiscent of my emotions when I first intentionally dressed tznuis (Jewish modesty). It was recent, and I felt so comfortable and safe in the clothes I was wearing, and I recognized that comfort in the faces of the women in the videos.

The sweet and caring gestures of the experienced hijabi reminded me a bit of my interactions with rebbetzins and other older religious women in various communities. They're always so sweet and kind (in my experience of course), and I noticed that they frequently try to connect through touch. You know, putting a hand on my shoulder or elbow. Hugs, of course. Using those gestures to make people feel heard and listened to.

And that made me think. We are so much more similar than the media gives us credit for. In fact, it reminded me of an interaction I had with a classmate just last week.

In one of my classes, we were talking about cultural traditions, and we were supposed to pair up and discuss family traditions we have. I mentioned that I love celebrating New Year's because my family doesn't celebrate Christmas, but due to them coming to the US from ex-USSR countries, they brought over similar yet secular and unique traditions for New Year's.

The girl I ended up pairing up with mentioned that she also didn't celebrate Christmas, because she was Muslim, and then she started talking about what her family does for Ramadan.

We ended up having a really nice discussion, connecting over having to fast for holidays, being surrounded by a majority Christian world, and other things we had in common.

And at the very beginning of the year, a Jewish friend of mine and I were complaining to each other about how lame it was that there were only two cheese pizzas at the event, and the rest were all pepperoni (and therefore not kosher), which led into a discussion of accommodating dietary restrictions. We unintentionally ended up sitting next to a few Muslim girls who heard our conversation and joined in, and we had the fun experience of bonding over the pork-obsessed world we all live in.

So yeah. We're actually not as different as the media and politicians make us look.

This is why, as much as I try to advocate about antisemitism, I still try to call out Islamaphobia in my day-to-day life.

There really isn't an excuse for hating an entire group. No excuse for awful and slanderous generalizations, which I've seen made about both us and Muslims. Just as antisemitism shouldn't have any place in these discussions, neither does Islamaphobia.

In fact, I think it would be amazing if we could set aside our differences and unite on this issue.

I know we may feel adversely towards each other in regards to the Israel-Hamas war and our views on it. And I'm not going to force anyone to agree/disagree on all the same things about it. Both sides are hurt. Both sides are accusing each other of genocide, and neither one (majority, I know extremist views exist on both sides, that's not who I am talking about here) actually hates all of the other side to the point of wanting to kill each other.

Yes, we disagree. Yes, our disagreement right now is serious and valid. But there is something we can, I hope, agree upon, and that's the fact that neither side of what's happening should employ Islamaphobic/Antisemitic rhetoric.

So here's a summary of what I'm trying to say:

We aren't as different as we are portrayed to be. We aren't "natural enemies" or whatever people think. We are all human, and we should all be united in the fact that generalized hate has no place on either side.

Both Antisemitism and Islamaphobia are rising right now. We may not see eye to eye on everything, but we are all human, and we should all do our part in dealing with that rise in hate. Not contribute to it.

...

Even though I am trying to speak against hate and division right now, I am certain that I'm probably going to receive at least a few hateful or negative responses to this. But you know what?

I don't really care anymore. Those hateful people are not anyone I could ever change or convince. So I'm going to try and remind myself to pick my battles and not waste energy on pointless arguments. Hateful responses to this post will be blocked and deleted.

However, Muslims of Tumblr, if I did say anything culturally problematic or inaccurate (for example, if the term "hijabi" or "experienced" in regards to being a hijabi is somehow a problem) (or like if comparing wearing a hijab at all to tznuis clothing is an issue) please let me know so I can fix it! I tried to not be culturally insensitive but I don't really know all that much so please do let me know!

...

#jumblr #jewish #judaism #jew #opinion #discourse #wholesome #positivity #unity #fight hate #antisemitism has no place here #Islamaphobia has no place here #antisemitism #islamaphobia

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teaveetamer · 8 months

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Also also something I thought of while I was making prev post, and something I've been thinking of the past few days since y'know went and tried to put my anon on blast on Twitter.

It's just kind of wild how the death spiral of negativity continues with, again, Certain People. Cuz I mean. Like what on god's green earth possesses you to take random social media posts you don't like and try to blast them all over every platform you could possibly find. What even fuels that kind of misery. I can't even imagine.

I'm trying to not piss in anyone's cornflakes m'dude, at least with regard to the actual meta discussion stuff (happy to piss in your cornflakes all day when it comes to your harassment tho). I intentionally use this blog in a way so that people do not accidentally stumble across my posts. Every time you post a screenshot of one of my posts (or anyone's posts really cuz you do this with everyone) or shit talk my takes it's like you're scooping my piss out of the toilet, dumping it in your own cereal bowl, and then screaming "WOW LOOK AT THIS BITCH OVER HERE PISSING IN MY CORNFLAKES!!! HERE LOOK *sprinkles piss in every direction*"

You must realize that people are eventually going to start noticing that you are the one sprinkling them with piss, right? Your fandom identity is literally just being a curator of highly-specific, tailored ragebait )and then constantly complaining about how you have to keep looking at stuff that baits your rage). Most people wouldn't even know 90% of these posts exist if you didn't keep calling attention to them, and you don't have to look at them if they upset you that much.

At this point I'm genuinely not even mad about him screenshotting multiple posts of mine and posting them elsewhere or shit talking me. I'm honestly just baffled. Like, I refuse to believe he thinks he looks cool at this point given how embarrassing it is.

Clearly it's not earning him a huge fandom presence. I think every single blog I've ever run has had more followers than his twitter, including this one, which was literally made in the midst of Tumblr's deadest fucking userbase period (post NSFW ban, pre-Reddit and Twitter setting themselves on fire) and where I literally never tag anything and intentionally try not to appear in searches.

It can't be because he wants to make sure people avoid me, cuz I've gotten heaps more engagement since he started directing people to actually look at my blog (that's kind of what happens when you scream "HEY LOOK AT THIS! HERE'S THE USERNAME AND LINK!!!" over and over. I assume he's aware that when you keep telling people to look at something they might actually go look at it).

If he was looking to "pwn" me in some sort of epic battle for the heart of the fandom then I hate to break it to you, but anyone who communicates via anime girlie screenshots has already owned themselves harder than anything I could ever hope to do to them.

So like, yeah. Genuinely confused over here. Unless he's just that angry when people disagree with him that it's worth cutting off his nose to spite his face.

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mermaidsirennikita · 5 months

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oh i totally agree just pointing out this might be a trend towards people just wanting everything wrapped up in a nice little bow from the beginning. when like, and this is no shade i love romance novels but they're hardly challenging fiction as is? you're always guaranteed a happy ending.

I.... strongly disagree with that last statement lol, and I think it's pretty condescending.

Being guaranteed a happy ending is a genre codifier--it doesn't mean the genre isn't challenging. I think a mystery novel can be challenging fiction, despite the fact that this genre is also usually tied up on some level.

(Additionally, I would say that there is nothing inherently challenging about a sad or neutral ending. A sad or neutral ending can in fact be the least challenging ending possible, at certain points. I'm not against them. But quite frankly, and I speak from VERY lived experience here, it's often--usually?--much more mentally and physically challenging to keep pursuing happiness in the face of pretty major adversity than it is to accept depression and sorrow. I have accepted negative endings to certain personal relationships in my life because pursuing happiness in those relationships requires more work from me, and it is in fact much harder.)

Like... what does a happy ending mean? Because while in romance it does always mean the leads are happy together together, it doesn't mean they're happy together and without challenges, or completely happy with life. I can think of The Duke Gets Even by Joanna Shupe, in which the heroine essentially has to accept that however much she may be afraid of death and the very likely reality that her hero will die relatively young--very probably before he's 60, quite possibly well before then--and still choose to be with him. I think that's a pretty challenging concept for a lot of people today. The book also doesn't end with his condition fixed; it could be down the line, who knows? You decide. Choosing to love someone despite pretty much knowing that, unless something really advanced occurs--which it could!--they will predecease you and likely by decades, with possible children left behind, is a really tough thing.

I just read a book in which the hero and heroine are both hugely traumatized by events--which are very much based on reality--that caused not only trauma, but pretty deep survivor's guilt on both sides. He has to genuinely accept that there is absolutely nothing he can do to make up for what he did to people... and at the same time, he can and must move forward with his life. She has to live with her trauma and her PTSD, but she also has to accept that who she was and the people she loved before are not a part of her reality now. That is really challenging--and as he essentially represents everything she lost and why, choosing to move forward together is very challenging.

I just referenced Sierra Simone's Sinner--and as much as her Priest books get a lot of understandable "ooh hot priest" discussion, if you actually read them, there is a pretty massive grappling with faith and spiritual (and the entire position and validity of the Catholic Church, whether it has validity, what it means to someone raised in that culture, whether or not you can stay in a culture that is baseline toxic and live a relatively healthy life) questioning throughout those novels. In fact, Sierra followed up Priest with a novella, Midnight Mass, which pretty much states that like--yeah. Our couple is together. They are happy with each other. But they are not necessarily happy with life, and that inevitably impacts their relationship. There are external issues, like miscarriage and potential infertility (which Simone never resolves) but there's also just this acknowledgment that when you leave something that was your CALLING, even if it's for someone you love, there is a piece of you you're giving up. You can be in love and satisfied with your partner, and dissatisfied with your life. You can have your other half and still not be completely whole.

Not to mention the general struggling with futility, depression, the reality that faith can be both deep and real and a way of avoiding reality, terminal illness, the fact that we are all in fact dying touched upon in the subsequent books. I think that's really challenging, and it's especially challenging when you grow up with a baseline of any deeply-felt religious faith, especially but not limited to Catholicism.

And a book can be fun and end happily and be sexy and be challenging. I think of a book I've been reread-skimming lately--Lady Isabella's Scandalous Marriage by Jennifer Ashley. The entire first four books of this series do a great job of acknowledging that the Mackenzie slove Ian (the first hero, who is autistic and in the 1800s) but do not absolutely get him, and as a result allowed some pretty horrible things to happen to him. It's challenging--choosing to see that someone can intend well, but completely FAIL to do well, and to do well by someone they love. While at the same time having to accept this and move forward as a family, and accept forgiveness from Ian. In LISM, there's an absolute deconstruction of the idea of an impetuous rake taking away a young virginal bride in this mad passion people love in historical romances. It didn't work. They had passion, they had love, and it was not enough. When they were up against actual challenges, he left and she wanted him to. He failed her. And the only way he can possibly fix that is by a) letting her be alone for a long time and b) actually do the work. It's not easy. It's not the "put a bow on it" happy ending. I think the same can be said of Lisa Kleypas's Again the Magic, ESPECIALLY in the secondary romance, featuring an alcoholic hero whose happy ending is... not 100% solid. It ends on him returning from sobering up. Hopefully, he keeps it together. But her love did not heal him, and CANNOT heal him. She offers some additional motivation, but he has to do that for himself.

I mean--internalized biphobia, the perception that someone who was abused will abuse (and I do mean abused as a child, and I do mean in the worst possible way), infertility (with zero fix), cheating--these are all things I've seen handled in romance, and I've often seen them handled and confronted in multiple books. Not across the board perfectly, but that can be said of any genre. But to be real, if you don't think there are a lot of challenging books in the genre, I don't think you've read enough of it.

#romance novel blogging #romance novels #i can think of many other examples and i didn't intend this to be an example rattle off #but it's kind of impossible to address this without examples #and when i say it's condescending i don't mean that in a hostile way #i mean it in a literal way: that is condescending #i'm sure it was meant well but it was condescending lol #i mean i also think there are inherent social challenges to books like #say beverly jenkins's novels especially the early books #to publish a historical romance about black characters finding love in the nineteenth century and finding happiness #absolutely challenging perceived norms that exist to this day (as does her centering of a wealthy 19th century black upper middle class)#alexis hall centering a trans heroine in a traditional sweeping classic historical romance setup #while not making her transness a massive conflict #giving a trans lead the big regency fantasy that has been pretty much exclusively reserved for cis characters #feels pretty challenging today

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figs-and-cigs · 1 month

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I'm venting. I'm grieving. Blah blah etc.

I posted a long while ago about 'good' communication being necessary for poly relationships. I posed the idea that being a "good" communicator isn't the important the bit, the important part is knowing yourself and working within a relationship to understand and support each other especially when communication is hard. Communication styles can be different, that doesn't make it good or bad but people in the relationship have to build bridges to communicate.

I'm not totally redacting those thoughts; but I just ended a relationship because communication styles between us were impossible to build bridges with. Ok that's a nice way of putting it.

I tried to have a conversation about something that would effect our schedule multiple times. She had said when the time comes WE need to discuss it together as a TEAM and discuss it. Ok. Well the time came, my schedule changed, and when I tried to discuss it she really pushed for a compromise and then delayed the discussion.

I sat with it, thought about it, and realized that I couldn't compromise on this change of schedule. I then proceeded to text her explaining why - it had been discussed that I am much better at texting out my thoughts than talking.

We have phone conversation everyday, per her request because she's not much of a texter. She never addressed my text, delayed the conversation, and wanted to speak on the day I had explained I couldn't do anymore. Then family issues came up, babysitter cancelled, in law was in the hospital. Crap, ok so we'll discuss it on our other regularly scheduled date.

When we sat down for coffee, I had the impression we were going to discuss my text and the change in schedule. Instead she started talking about meta-communication and being on the same page with how we speak. To use I statements, to use we statements, to keep a calm tone, to focus on thoughts and feelings instead of events. And I questioned if I had not been doing that, and stated that I felt like she was trying to control my speech. Not that I disagreed with the suggestions but to be sat down and told HOW to have a conversation felt controlling and I was feeling attacked.

She asked if there was anyway she could make a request without me feeling attacked. I froze, said uh I'm not sure... Which was a terrible answer. She's made many requests over the months we've been together and I've attempted to meet every one.

She then asked if I knew my communication style. I was caught off guard and said I don't know. She then asked if within "all my years of therapy" if I ever thought about how I communicate. I was so caught of guard I don't remember what I said, but the answer is yeah...

The conversation is a blur I was anxious, shaking, trying or understand the conversation at hand and wondering if we're ever going to address the scheduling issue and my text. At one point she asked if I was a black and a white thinker - I offhandedly said, "I have BPD, so that happens!" And then backtracked and said I've done a lot of work and definitely try to stay in the grey. That was probably a mistake.

She asked about my Meyers Briggs personality type and I said infp or whatever. And she acted so surprised that I'm a feelings type person. I told her I have mental illnesses where I work very hard to live in reality and not get swept up in my feelings. She suggested strongly that I should be more emotional. (She obviously never took the time to understand my Disorder. That's fine until you start giving advice.)

The last 5 minutes of the date the schedule came up and I finally said this is a boundary for me, I can't do this day. She told me to text her my compromise.

So I texted explaining again why I'm not compromising on my schedule, that I was feeling unheard. That talking about communication is good, but I wasn't happy with the way things went.

Then over the following week she wouldn't take my calls. She informed me the other date day doesn't work for her. That she doesn't feel there's a safe space for communication. I tried to be direct and ask what of the days I have available do work and what is a good time to call so we can talk.

The relationship ended today with a text where she gave me her perception of the events, she felt unheard, unable to make requests without me taking it as an attack.

And you know, I would have been willing to discuss that.

But then she proceeded to ask if I was capable of empathy, my intentions for dating her, what I bring to the table in a relationship, if I think about anyone but myself, and told me I think of her as an enemy and need to deal with my disorder and black and white thinking with my therapist.

I responded in kind with my perception of the events that took place. And that in trying to address this issue she seemed to ignore, deflect, change the subject, and now attack me. That's not effective communication, and I don't with to engage with that and I'm sorry things led to such a negative light of each other.

For me I think "bad" communication happens when no response or when the response becomes accusatory and unkind. Period. My communication on an issue was never addressed on her end. And while I do empathize with her perspective and frustration communication is shut down the moment you are questioning someone's character, intentions, thought processes. It appears to me that she felt out of control with the situation at hand (scheduling) so she pushed that issue aside and tried to find control in another way (how we communicate about it without addressing what was already said).

So I guess we're both walking away feeling unheard.

Through the last two weeks, I've read over my messages repeatedly. I reach out to my support person asking her to call me out on my BS, to help me do inventory to see where I may need to address things differently. If I wasn't communicating clearly or directly, if I was being unkind or misinterpreting something. Honestly, I'm proud of myself for how I communicated through this, that I had boundaries and stuck to them, that I did not respond out of anger or fear; and it's not my fault that it wasn't well received. I can't control another person's perception of me, but I can show up authentically, openly, and compassionately regardless.

#polyamory #polyamorous relationships #polyam dating

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vivildicno · 2 years

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i'm bored so imma give my opinion on as many eah ships as i can

disclaimers: you are free to disagree

i will only do monogamous ships bc i would never finish otherwise

i tend to ship 1 character just with one other, so yeah.

Raven x Apple like the idea of apple having a crush on raven but the damage she caused to raven trying to get her to sign would make it impossible for it to be reciprocated. the angst.

Raven x Dexter love it. love that dex had a crush on her for a long time, and love her being able to see him behind the expectations of him. otp

Raven x Maddie platonic. i adore their friendship and i see them being the closest to each other, but not any other way

Raven x Darling would be fun that the villian and the hero get together at the end, and they care about each other, but there is not that kind of chemestry.

Raven x Cerise love cerise being able to trust raven so much as far of telling her her secret, but i don't think they would work out on a romantic way

Apple x Darling lovelovelove it, it is adorable and even though it would take some time for apple to accept it i think they would be very happy

Apple x Daring no. i see them trusting each other a lot but they didn't even want to imagine what would happen if they ended up together, it would be very awkward

Apple x Briar just.. weird, both lesbians but apple does not understand really what briar feels, so i feel like they friendship was always very superficial, even if they called each other besties

Apple x Rosabella LISTEn just a thought, bc it could be funny that both of the posible destiny partners of daring ended up together, but i don't really ship it yk?

Apple x Sparrow her finding him annoying but never saying anythong mean so he develops a crush on her and a weird tension builds up bc also apple finds him oddly handsome until they made up on a random classroom??? fun.

Daring x Lizzie adore it. so cute. himbo x mean girl. but i don't see it lasting forever yk?? a cute highschool relationship

Daring x Rosabella cute. love how she helps him change, but it is kinda boring.

Daring x Cerise my fav daring ship (i think, as i said on other post he is difficult for me to not multi ship) love a non damisel on distress teaching him fun things out of the royal life he has always lived, and giving him space to rebel

Daring x Sparrow daring hetting wilder with sparrow and learning to not fit in everyones expectatives????? cute

Daring x Hopper so hear me out... the angst about hopper having a crush on daring an always hearing about his romantic adventures and getting all sad until daring notices he gets weird when on those situations???? and then one day he asks him about it and hopper gets nervous and transforms??? so daring kisses him and he transforms back???????? LOVELY

Daring x Duchess one sided, duchess dreams of himloving her and running away together but would never admit it

Ashlynn x Hunter MY OTP, i adore them, their dinamic is cute and i love their backstory PLEASE READ THE BOOKS

Ashlynn x Briar platonic, love that they are their actual best friends and really understand their problems and trust each other as much as discussing not signing the book

Ashlynn x Cerise HEAR ME OUT platonic, but ash and hunter finding out red and badwolf are together (before True hearts day), and ash going to cerise and telling her that she knows about her heritage, and confessing about her romance with hunter, and after that the both of them going to forest walks where they can talk about all the pressure of hiding a secret

Cedar x Cerise cuute, both of them going to the forest to search for materials for Cedars art and them building something something very cute until one day Cedar blups out she likes cerise and they date and they are happy :D

Cedar x Maddie idk BUT Maddie never judging Cedar for what she says is just such a heartwarming concept

Cedar x Sparrow ik, weird, but imagine sparrow always making coments about cedar not being human that really upset and he does not realize, until one day she cries, and he feels actually bad and starts doing things for her, and helping her out a lot, and then falls for her. maybe its my messed bullied kid trauma but hey, it do be cute

Sparrow x Duchess one sided. duchess likes him and doesn't know how to express it so she is mean and bossy, making him pull apart from her. angsty

Sparrow x Hopper sparrow showing hopper a soft side of him that no one else knows would be adorable, but it doesn't make my imagination fly really

Briar x Faybelle adore them so much. i feel like briar accepted it a long time ago, with her whole rebeling side, but it would be so hard for fay to do so, but eventually she wouldn't be able to contain herself and god i love it

Cupid x Dexter no. just friends. and i generally dislike how they showed cupid about dex, like she was so calm and controlled in mh, so why make her desperate in eah idk

Cupid x Blondie cute but i don't really have hc for them so im not so drawn into it

Cupid x Ashlynn sorry cupid, but one sided and angsty, bc cupid developing a crush on ash while she helps her to get over her crush on dex would be cute, but ash and hunter are my babies so no.

Alistair x Bunny cute but just get together alredy it gets boring

Lizzie x Kitty adorable, they are forced to spend the summer together and Lizzie catching feelings first wold be so cute

Lizzie x Maddie i feel like Lizzie would lean a lot into Maddie but idk if anything could happen

Lizzie x Alistair ok listen i don't vibe with it, but i have always loved the idea that the villian and the hero should get together

Duchess x Poppy idk kinda weird, i'd need more material than that one episode to decide

Ramona x Justine SO SWEET adore them, love their contrast, really wish we had more material of them but they just do it for me ok???

Ramona x Rosabella i saw someone syaing this and i kind of get it, but for me it's just a less radical form of ramona x justine

Hopper x Briar thats just a big no for me, nothing else to say, no chemestry as anything but friends

Hopper x Faybelle mean girl x sweet boy? yes. but not main ship in any kind of way

Holly x anyone i don't really ship anyone with holly?? idk i just do not vibe with her, not that i dislike her but i don't get her so i can't ship her with anyone

Ginger x Raven feared villians together?? cute, but i don't see it going out of the platonic realm

Hopper x Ginger pair of softies, but i really don't think ginger likes men. at all

Crystal x Farrah crystal is annoying and farrah is the sweetest, so she deserves better to me

Lizzie x Duchess i feel like they would aggresively make out bc Lizzie thinks duchess is cute but cannot stand how much she talks, so she would do it to shut her up

Briar x Cupid sorry cupid again BUT IT WOULD BE ANGSTY AND ONE SIDED cupid has a crush on briar and doesn't want her to go to sleep, but since she's not really part of a certain story she cannot do much, so she would be happy when she gets with fay and so refuses to her destiny

Sparrow x Hunter a mess. would not want to be around them but they would have fun ig

Ashlynn x Cedar i see ash always being nice and comprehensive with cedar so she would develop a crush but idk

Brooke x Maddie i always imagined Brooke to be younger than the rest so idk would be weird to even think about it

Cupid x Raven weird idk i don't like it

Darling x Chase darling is too much of a lesbian for this, but i see chase getting a crush

Tiny x Jillian YES again, i love that meant to be enemies end up together

Hunter x Hopper I see it working kinda like ash x hunter, he becomes a softie only for his so, but it just doesn't click for me yk?

Kitty x Dexter idk i saw someone saying it and honestly i feel like dex would spend most of the time stressed or crying

Poppy x Sparrow he is a mess and she kinda is too but in a different way so it would be a fun combination, plus she would tell him to get rid of that stupid goat beard, but i don't ship them really

Darling x Cerise just cause someone mentioned they were paired a lot during DG and i get it, and would live for that frindship like they both share a secret and having a more active jocky side, and also i would be funny for Darling to rob another romantic interest from Daring, but i don't see it actually happening for me.

Darling x Rosabella darling getting all the ladies hm, anyways, it would be cute but it's kinda bland

ok i'm getting crazy for this so yeah i'll finish it here for now, if i missed any of your faves sorry leave a comment or reblog or something and i may do a part 2 with more lol

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stylistiquements · 3 years

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Day 9 : Scronch'love.

𐐪𐑂 Pairing : Sapnap x fem!reader {Playlist}

𐐪𐑂 Summary : a lovely afternoon and an ancestral question; when are you going to join the dream smp?

𐐪𐑂 Word count : 1.5k

𐐪𐑂 Warning : swearing

Masterlist | Previous | Next

.・゜゜・　　・゜゜・　　 .・゜゜・　　・゜゜・

“Have you been here for a long time?”

Time bends and twists into unknowns shapes when well spent. So, you’re so not sure. Long enough for your fairy garden to start looking like at least a proper garden, long enough for your feet to start fidgeting, brushing against the soft fabric of the blanket ever so slightly and softly.

“Can you share your screen?”

“I’m just picking flowers, there’s nothing much to see,” you warn but it never does the proper job.

“That’s fine, I like watching you play.”

“Oh, do you now?”

“Yeah. You’ve been playing for years and you’re still dog water. It's almost soothing,” you hear him grin through the silkiness of his voice.

You smile evasively, palm gripping the mouse and executing on memory. Soon, Sapnap’s satisfied noises hovers and everything is just how it’s supposed to be. You spend a while humming the music of days and nights of the game while building your project. Sap helps from time to time, giving advice when his attention is there and leaving trails of compliments on his way. You don’t think the garden is necessarily that good, you don’t mind either.

“Do you think the tree should go on the left or the right of the pond?” You ask, fingers drumming back and forth between the two options. Right he says. "What about the roses, do I plant some or not?"

“It’s just a detail, don’t hurt your brain too much on that,” he says in a light tone, but you disagree.

“Details are what make things important. Like when you remember I prefer warm pillows so you give me yours, it’s just a detail but it makes me happy.”

“Of course I do; you’re a baby,” he murmurs teasingly.

With an arched eyebrow, you retort, “says you,” and silence follows for a second as you plant the tree on the right of the pond.

“Yeah, Dream already made sure I was aware of that.”

“Not sure why the piss baby thinks he’s qualified to have this conversation, buddy,” you note and Sap chuckles are as vivid as contagious. “Why would he call you a baby anyway? What have you done?”

“I-I’m not telling you.” As soon as the mumbles fades, your phone sends loud vibrations on your desk. You abandon your character to the night and the wildness, picking the phone as you murmur a low oh, okay. Whether it’s to your phone or Sapnap, that, isn’t really clear. Still, Sapnap’s words sound more distant, more of what wonders are made of. On the screen, a twitter notification of a certain Karl Jacobs.

“You’re not even listening to me anymore,” Sapnap whines.

“I don’t listen to whiny babies, sorry.”

“We’re on the verge of divorce, yn and it’s your fault.”

A scoff skitters out through teasing lips, “But you still talk about me all the time, don’t you?” Your voice drags through different lands, unknown and musky.

“So what?” He splutters all awkward like it’s some kind of confidence that shouldn’t have left his thoughts and, somehow, you’re surprised the almighty confidence has left the game. “Who said that?”

“Doesn’t matter. You’re obsessed with me, admit it,” you demand and though you don’t notice it, too tangled with the moment, the atmosphere is tinted with a different nuance like it’s suddenly dawn at the end of a summer party.

“So are you.”

Now, your heart drums a strange yet familiar rhythm. Something made of secrets and uncertainty, something you decided to leave unnamed a long time ago. Sapnap, you reason, can’t be lied to. He knows better than words half meant, half made up and it’s annoying, really, but he just does somehow. If you dare to lie, he would know and then it would be even more annoying.

“Yeah, you’re living in my head rent free but at least I’m not trying to hide it.” No answer. You peek at the game, you’ve been slain by a spider. “Karl said that,” you resign yourself. “He said he was about to join the vc by the way.”

Before the conversation can carry on, the sound of Karl joining the call resonates. Being in this Discord server is like living in a house with 10 siblings, that’s what you understand from the way Sap exhales heavily.

“Oh, I am interrupting something?” Karl says, struck by a peculiar energy.

“Besties time Karl, besties time,” Sapnap mumbles beneath his breath and it chimes a little like disappointment.

“Well, too bad I guess,” Karl exclaims. “It's about time I meet miss Bunnyshow.”

Karl is like that gif of a cat sitting in a tiny box with the caption “if it fits, I sit”.

“Does that mean our passive aggressive subweet arc is over?” You ask, faking the dejection when your smile grows wide.

“Oh god, I hope not. That’s my favorite part of the day.”

"It means a lot to me. Especially coming from my comfort streamer Karl Jacobs," you confess.

Satisfied, your attention gets back on the game; flowers rooting gracefully into the dirt and hives ready to host the beloved honey bugs as Karl and Sap catch up on time being apart. Everything is quiet and peaceful like the end of an afternoon well spent.

“I like your garden,” Karl points out and you hum a thank you beneath your breath.

“So you can take Karl’s compliments but not mine.”

“We’re besties you’re honor. Sapnap you can leave now, thank you,” Karl giggles and you follow along.

“Sorry Karl, there’s only room for one man in my heart and that has to be Sapnap.”

He fakes a cry to keep the theatrics before adding without transitions, “You know if you asked Dream he’d probably let you on the SMP.”

“No thanks,” you grin.

“Sapnap, your girl doesn’t want to play with us.”

“She’s already been whitelisted for months now,” Sapnap informs but fails to comment on the first part of the complaint.

He’s not lying, but you feel like it says more about Dream’s stubbornness than it says about you. As for your best friend, he understands better than anyone that wish for privacy and it’s something made of respect like yours for his career. You’d rather see him shaped by all the light than being touched by a glimpse of it. He does, after all, deserves it all. So, that’s the contract you made with yourself because it made sense; being a supportive shadow. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that you’ve never considered streaming before. It’s that it’s his world more than yours.

Karl, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to think the same way, “This is unacceptable, I gotta send a few texts.”

“Lost cause, dude, lost cause,” you grin but stubbornness seems to be a pre required trait for those mcyts.

Before you have time to find a suitable comment about the newborn group chat, a new person joins the call and Sapnap's annoyance is even more palpable, "No fucking way dude. We can't even have a second of peace on this server."

"Why would you be in a discord call if you want peace. You're just dumb," Quackity retorts with an energy he and he only can ever own.

Then George joins and Dream follows on his heels and soon your ears are filled with conversations that are as loud as scattered. Your shoulders sink in the back of your chair as soft fingers try to brush the upcoming migraine away. This is why you can't join the SMP; -not really but still- too much energy that has to be processed at all time. And you should know better, being friend with a very chaotic boy for the last 15 years, but you're not somehow.

"No, fuck that," Sapnap mutters. "I'm out."

"You can't leave now we have things to discuss," George exclaims. "Bunny, explain to me how Sapnap's proposition is more appealing than mine."

"Because I know her more than you do," he defends, and he's right. Money isn't of you interest. Love, on the other hand...

"Because she's like scronch'love," Karl giggles mindlessly.

"The fuck does scronch'love mean?" You ask, amused.

"It's very simple," Quackity intervenes. "If I offered you the same thing, would you even consider it?"

"Of course I would. What kind of question is that?"

"Fine. So, if Sapnap keeps his offer, here is mine; you become the president of Las Nevadas in addition to what he said."

"What?" Sapnap takes offense.

The call brims with an agitated confusion as you smile deviously, heels rooted into the floor to make your chair spin lightly and your fingers drum on your desk.

"I don't think you wanna do that," George corrects.

"Yeah, you absolutely don't," you confirm.

"Fine," he retorts. "So Sapnap's offer plus a Las Nevadas citizenship. How does that sound?"

"Like an offer I'll confider," you sigh. "So who's scronch'love now?"

"Still you," Dream answers. "Except you're also a big dummy."

.・゜゜・　　・゜゜・　　 .・゜゜・　　・゜゜・

A/N : helloooo,, how are you??? this part very self indulgent and I think this fic will be in general but I hope you liked it anyway. I love the idea of c!quackity always being too much and always having something to add to be even more over the top. I'm having more trouble than I thought about Bunny's and Sap's friendship because I want them to have a very special friendship but I hope it appears as such. idk. lmk what you think and thank you for reading it it makes me very happy <3 Until next time (ɔˆ ³(ˆ⌣ˆc)

Taglist : @open-minded-chip-101 ; @itsoakaa ; @gaysludge ; @tinyegg ; @qnfdnf ; @paintingpetalsforyou ; @notjennaleigh ; @victoria-a567 ; @washy-washy ; @moneybagmarvel ;

#129 days #Sapnap smau #sapnap x reader #smau #social media au #sapnap x you #sapnap x y/n #mcyt smau #sapnap series #sapnap fluff #mcyt x reader

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inukag · 2 years

Note

I noticed anime-only watchers on TikTok complaining about InuKag… makes me think we need to get on TikTok and start making the Manga vs Anime comparisons like the recent Tumble posts to show how much InuKag scenes were deleted by Sunrise 🤔

…nah, there be danger in them TikTok waters

I don't really go on Tik Tok, but I've seen people on Twitter complain about people on Tik Tok and yeah I'm not surprised, lol. Rewatching the anime last year made me realized how much the anime screwed up Inukag in more ways than I remembered, and I don't really blame anime viewers for having a negative opinion of them.

There are certain things that didn't bother me in the anime when I watched it a couple years ago that bother me now, like how Inuyasha constantly insults Kagome in filler episodes (calling her 'ugly' and 'unkind' mostly). It's literally not a thing he does in the manga except in the first few chapters, and the worst he does later on is call her 'bakaa'...

Combine that with him never reassuring Kagome about his feelings for her and never explaining his feelings for Kikyo, instead saying he "wants them both", Sunrise downplaying intimacy between him and Kagome all the time, and adding sit commands and making the force of them worse.... It's bad.

I don't blame anime viewers tho, you shouldn't have to read the manga when the anime is supposed to be an adaptation of that manga, the anime studio (Sunrise) should simply do it's job and adapt the story properly without trying to turn all the characters into parodies of themselves 🙃

But anyway, Tik Tok from the little I've seen of it is not a place for meaningful discussions, lol. Saying things like "Kagome chose the wrong man, Koga is better" or "Inuyasha loves Kikyo more, Kagome is just a replacement" are short, hot takes that drives up engagement and that is the content that gets popular on the platform.

I will post essays on here explaining why I disagree with takes like that tho (eventually, once I stop procrastinating) so feel free to share them on Tik Tok if you want. I found out this one account (@/inukaggerz) shared an analysis of mine (here) and that made me super happy! Tik toks like this are never going to get as much views as the hot takes but hey, at least they're out there!

#ask #Anon #sunrise-critical

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hintofelation99 · 3 years

Text

The Justice League Meets the Avengers Pt. 1

In an alternate reality where Steve and Tony mended their relationship and Thanos never came, the Avengers meet for a family game night. Peter Parker, Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes, Sam Wilson, Tony Stark, Clint Barton, Natasha Romanoff, Thor, Stephen Strange, Bruce Banner, and surprisingly enough Loki all gather. The night is going well, everyone is getting along, though there is some tension. Clint and Natasha are still suspicious of Loki, but the tense atmosphere is broken by Peter asking Loki about magic. At first the conversation is nice, lighthearted. Loki's obvious excitement over magic is humanizing, so much so that Clint almost, almost, warms up to the trickster. However, when Peter starts asking about alternate dimensions things start going downhill. The following transcript outlines the events that take place that strange evening.

Peter, looking very excited: So alternate Dimensions are real?

Loki, with a bashful smile: Well of course, assuming that we are the only dimension in this infinite universe is rather close minded.

Peter: Thank you! That's what I said to Flash, we can not be the only reality, that'd be insane!

Tony: I'm not disagree with underoos or peppermint patty, but have we ever seen these dimensions?

Stephen: I've been to several.

Bruce Banner, with a spoon full of ice cream hanging out of his mouth: R'lly?!

Stephen, raises an eyebrow clearly unimpressed: I am the Sorcerer Supreme. Of course I've been to alternate realities.

Thor: Ha! You mortals are so easily impressed, are they not brother?

Loki, with a mischievous smile: They are. Thor and I have also visited several realities.

Clint: I call bullshit.

Wanda: Actually, while I have not been to any alternate dimensions, I can confirm their existence as well.

Sam: Ha, fine, then take us to one.

Loki's smile widens, Stephen looks like he wants to intervene, but Tony speaks up first.

Tony: Yeah, what tweety bird said.

Sam glares at Tony and Bucky chuckles.

Loki looks absolutely delighted, which Natasha and Clint find very concerning: As you wish.

Stephen: NO-

---- The Justice League Watchtower----

A gathering of the Justice League takes place. Batman is in a heated debate with Green Lantern about watchtower security. Wonder Woman, Superman, Aquaman, and Flash watch the debate. Wonder Woman looks amused, the others seem to pity Green Lantern.

Green Lantern: I'm just saying Batman is being way too paranoid! The watchtower is completely secure, there's no way anyone can get in.

A giant green portal opens and out of comes eleven strangers. Some of the strangers look confused, some annoyed, and one looks very smug.

Batman narrows his eyes at Green Lantern as the entire League leaps to their feet.

Green Lantern: Fine. You were right, happy now?

Batman: No.

Tony: WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE LOKI?!?!

Loki just shrugs

Steve: Who are these people?

Wonder Woman: I believe my team mates and myself have the same question.

Clint glances to Natasha and notices that she and Bucky are already in defensive positions. He follows their lead and shortly after all Avengers, except Peter, are in defensive positions.

Peter: Holy crap! Mr. Stark, Mr. Stark! We're in an alternate dimension!!

Tony: Uh, yeah, not the time kid.

Peter looks around, for the first time he realizes that he's the only one not in a fighting stance: Oh, uh sorry!

Batman: Who are you and what do you? Answer in the next five seconds and maybe we will allow you to leave.

Green Lantern: Yeah, what he said.

Batman glares at Green Lantern.

Steve: Maybe we should all just calm down. We meant no harm, this is all a big mistake. I-

Batman: Names. Now.

Peter: Wow Mr. Stark, that guys sorta scary.

Tony: My name is Tony Stark. The kid's name is Peter. Tall, dark, and cranky over their is Bucky. The peacemaker is Steve-

Batman steps forward to interrupt, Superman stops him.

Superman: If you do not mind, I think we were hoping for first and last names.

Tony: Fine, that's Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers. Don't worry about the kid's last name.

Flash: Alright, and the others?

Steve: Natasha Romanoff, Clint Barton, Sam Wilson, Stephen Strange, and Bruce Banner. And those two are Thor and Loki Odinson. And you are?

Superman: We are the Justice League. You may call me Superman. That is Wonder Woman, then Green Lantern, Aquaman, Flash, and the angry looking one is Batman.

Batman glares at Superman.

Batman: Where are you from and what do you want?

Sam: Look man, I get that you don't want us here, but honestly this is all a big accident. We were asking about magic and alternate dimensions and that asshole decided to give us a demonstration. We can leave right now.

Loki makes a few odd hand gestures and mumbles some curses. Superman looks concerned, Batman looks unimpressed, Wonder Woman looks slightly amused.

Thor: Brother, I believe that was your cue to send us back.

Loki: Obviously, I'm not a complete moron. Just, just give me a moment.

Stephen: Did you take us to an alternate dimension with no escape plan?

Loki: ...no

Bruce: What the hell man?! God I knew that should have gone to Valkyrie's party.

Clint: Valkyrie had a party?

Bucky: Not the point Clint.

Batman: I'm contacting our magic users. Green Lantern, escort our guests to the holding cells.

Tony: Holding cells? That seems excessive.

Batman: You can go willingly or we can use force. Your decision.

Superman, glares at Batman: What my team mate is trying to say, is that we don't know if your story is true or not. We have many enemies and can't take any risks.

Green Lantern: Yeah, especially cause the kids are here today.

Batman glares at Green Lantern and takes a step towards him. Superman places a hand on Batman's shoulder to stop him.

Superman: Batman, please do not maim any team mates, you don't want to give Robin any ideas do you? Green Lantern, we will be discussing your conduct.

Peter: Wait, there are other kids here? Can I meet them!

Batman: No.

Seeing Peter's hurt look Batman softens.

Batman: At least, not now. Let us gather more information on the current situation first.

Aquaman: We could expedite this process if we bring in Martian Manhunter.

Wonder Woman: He is currently off world, but I do believe Miss Martian is here. I can have her meet us in holding.

Tony: I'm not letting you put my kid in a cell. Considering you seem to also have mentees I believe you would understand.

Batman: The kid has to wait in a cell too. We must look out for everyone's safety.

Green Lantern: Didn't one of your kids have a box of heads?

Batman looks absolutely murderous, but before he can respond a faint giggling echoes through the room. Everyone except Batman looks very confused.

Batman: Spoiler go back to the the training room right now. And take the others with you.

Spoiler: Dammit.

Robin: You imbecile, you got us caught.

Nightwing: C'mon baby bird be nice!

Red Hood: Shut it dick bag, you're the one who almost sneezed.

Batman: Language Red Hood!

The Avengers chuckle and look at Steve.

Red Hood: Fuck off Bats! Also, Green Night Light, it was a duffle bag. Easier to carry around.

Bruce: Oh my god a duffle bag of heads?

Green Lantern: THAT'S NOT BETTER

Red Hood: I'M SORRY I WAS GOING THROUGH SOMETHING.

Natasha and Bucky shrug, while everyone else looks horrified.

Natasha: Honestly, that's fair.

Red Hood: Thank you! I told you she'd be the cool one, you owe me five bucks.

Arsenal: Seriously Hood? We have a joint bank account?

Batman: Hood we will be discussing your financial decisions.

Stephen: Not to question your leadership, but are those really the decisions that you should be questioning??

Flash: Yeah... no offense Bats but I got agree with weird robe guy.

Batman: Just take them to the holding cells. I'm contacting our magic users.

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virgojeons · 4 years

Text

true love (jjk)

summary: you and jungkook spend your first christmas together.

alternatively, a merry love story based on the lyrics of true love by ariana grande.

genre: fluff, humor, college au, established relationship, holiday series, jeon jungkook x reader

word count: 4.6k

warnings: cursing, implied sexual content, excessive use of pet names

wattpad version here, ao3 version here

a/n: well, here i am!! pls be gentle with me, this is the first time ive ever posted my writing on here and ive been debating it for months lmao. i truly truly hope u enjoy!!

on the first day of christmas when you gave me all them kisses, boy you showed me things, come hold me please and never let me go.

"Five days until Christmas and you're still decorating the tree?"

You yelped at the sudden sound of your boyfriend's voice, dropping your over-accessorized ornament and watching helplessly as it shattered against the floor.

Immediately, you whined. "Jungkook!"

Jungkook suppressed a grin at the furrow of your eyebrows and the pout of your lips, kicking his shoes off and tossing his coat onto the couch. He didn't mean to scare you, really. You even knew he was coming over. It's just that you left the front door unlocked (as you always did when he was on his way, despite him constantly scolding you for it) and there was no way you would've heard him come in over the sound of Jingle Bell Rock blaring through the house.

"Sorry, baby," He chuckled, bending down beside you to help pick up the remnants of your best ornament. "I didn't mean to scare you."

You glared at him in between collecting the shards of glass in your hand. "I spent hours making that."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. Hot glue gun burns, sparkles stuck on my face and everything."

Jungkook took the pieces of glass from you with an amused look on his face, standing from his kneeling position to toss them in the trash can you had earlier moved to the living room for easy access. "I'm sorry. I'll make you another one."

"It's not the same." You sulked, finding fun in being stubborn and giving him a hard time. It was getting increasingly difficult though, with his rosy nose and ears and that little gleam in his eyes.

It was then that he made his first move of the night, tugging you by your oversized Rudolph sweater so quickly that you had to latch onto his shoulders for leverage with a squeal. His grin only seemed to grow once you were officially in his space, taking notice of your lack of pants and the snowflake stockings that appeared to be in their place instead.

"You don't look too sorry," You chuckled, heart stuttering at the way he was gazing down at you in such close proximity.

Jungkook shrugged, nudging his nose with yours. "I'm just happy."

They were such simple words, but it was the way he said them, the way he looked at you when he said them. You couldn’t lie, the excitement of spending your first Christmas together, completely alone, was incredibly infectious. It was gross and it was corny and everything else you swore you would never be, but you were in love with Jungkook. Devastatingly so. You from nine months ago probably wouldn’t even recognize the present you; a fact that friends, family, and even Jungkook alike loved to tease you about. Cracking the so-called ice queen was a feat to be celebrated, apparently. Whatever. He was yours and you were his so you didn’t quite care about the technicalities of it. Even if the story went a bit differently, in your opinion.

The brutal snow and temperatures of February were beginning to fade into spring when you met Jungkook.

You and Jimin had been attempting to finish your economics homework together in your favorite coffee shop; a hidden treasure that was a ten minute walk from campus and ticked all your aesthetic boxes. You two were sipping from your respective hot drinks, neglecting your heaps of bookwork in favor of discussing the new season of Stranger Things. Jimin was deep into his theory of Hopper still being alive when his eyes flickered to the door at the sound of the bell, widening slightly in recognition before a bright smile took over his face.

"Jungkook!" Jimin called, waving whoever it was over.

You followed his gaze and turned your head in the direction of the entrance, growing curious when the boy walking towards your table wasn't familiar to you. It took you less than five seconds to realize that the boy in question was attractive.

Like, extremely attractive. The kind of attractive that should not be subjected to the way you look right now.

It took you even less time to whip your head back around, glaring at Jimin with wide eyes and a panicked expression.

He met your glare with a confused scrunch of his eyebrows before it slowly transformed into a smirk, quickly catching on to what your pointed look was for. The night before had been a late one. You, like any other normal millennial, had impulse bought a pretty yellow Nintendo Switch solely for the new Animal Crossing game. As soon as it arrived on your doorstep you were retreating into your room, tearing the package open with squeals of excitement.

Maybe you completely lost track of time and played until your eyes were bloodshot and you heard birds chirping outside. Maybe you got an astounding two hours of sleep. And maybe you had fallen asleep without setting an alarm and woke up thirty minutes later than usual.

The details were insignificant though, because you were throwing on a pair of leggings and the first sweatshirt you saw, brushing your hair and your teeth, and hastily sprinting to your car all in record time.

No sleep. No makeup. No breakfast. And worst of all, no coffee.

And so, it was blatantly clear you had no desire to let a boy that beautiful even glance at you in that state, let alone introduce himself. But it didn't look like you had a choice in the matter, because moments later he was towering over your table with a stupidly handsome smile.

Jungkook grinned, reaching out to do that Weird Bro Handshake with Jimin. "Hey, Chim."

You were already plotting various methods of painful revenge in your head.

"Hey, Kook. What are you doing here?"

"I kind of work here," He chuckled. "Well, as of like, yesterday. Today's my first day."

"Oh, so this is the new job you were telling me about," Jimin nodded in realization, then his eyes flickered mischievously to yours. You’re rapidly shaking your head. "You know, this is my friend ___'s favorite coffee spot."

A scowl immediately takes over your face, only to be wiped off and replaced by a sickeningly sweet smile when Jungkook turns his head to look your way. The instant your eyes meet his you quite literally want to melt into the floor.

Jungkook smiles at you. Like, really smiles. "Hey, that's cool. We'll probably be seeing a lot of each other then, right?"

Across the table, Jimin snorts, which only adds to the way your cheeks are absolutely flaming. You send a harsh kick to Jimin's leg as inconspicuously as you can, all while batting your eyelashes at Jungkook.

"Uh, yeah! We probably... will."

Jungkook looks positively amused, but if he notices Jimin rushing to clutch his leg, he doesn't say anything.

"Sweet," He grins again. There's a brief few seconds where you two are just gazing at each other, stupid and shy, until Jimin loudly clears his throat. "Right, well, I should probably go clock in. Let's chill sometime this week, Chim."

"Sure thing." Jimin sings, smugness plastered all over his face.

Jungkook waves, already backing away from the table with his eyes on you. "Nice meeting you."

You feel yourself flush again and you absolutely hate it. "Nice meeting you too."

With a final smile, Jungkook disappears behind the employee doors. The moment he leaves your eyes are screwed shut and you're slamming your head against the table. The silence speaks for itself. You don't even need to see Jimin's face to know that he's either smirking or stifling his laughter.

"Don't." You warn.

"You just blushed," He says anyway. "Like, four times."

"I most definitely did not blush."

"You did. You still are."

"I'm embarrassed!" You wail. "That's literally the only reason why. I look like I got ran over and dragged for three blocks."

"Jungkook sure doesn't seem to think so," Jimin hums, snickering as he sips his coffee.

"Stop."

"He likes you." He insists.

"He was just being polite." You defend.

"That is literally my childhood best friend. I think I would know."

This makes you pause. Then you sigh. "He doesn't even know me."

He doesn’t disagree. But then again, "Not yet."

"Stop trying to play matchmaker, Jimin. He said five words to me," You spoke firmly, exasperated as you downed the final sip of your latte. "Plus, I'm just focusing on me and my degree right now. No distractions."

Jimin knew that you were already worn out, and even though he was mostly joking around, he wouldn’t want to push you any further. He’d drop it.

"Fine. We'll see who's right in the end, though."

For now.

"I will dump that hot coffee over your head."

As it turns out, Jimin was kind of right.

It takes a grand total of four visits to your favorite coffee shop before Jungkook asks you out. The first time you were by yourself, nose buried in a book as Jungkook was clocking in. He wasn't able to speak to you until about an hour later, when the morning rush had passed and you had finally lifted your head from whatever was in that book.

You were honestly dreading facing him again, but you were prepared and actually presentable this time. Also you were kind of starving. And so, you hesitantly approached the counter. Jungkook took your order, both of you all fidgeting hands and sheepish smiles. You mentally patted yourself on the back when you spoke without any real mess-ups, and prayed that the cool girl aura you always tried so desperately to maintain was being transmitted.

Not like you were trying to leave a lasting impression, or anything.

He hand delivered you your coffee and muffin with a beaming grin, all while his new boss glared at him from behind the counter. He didn't have to know that you knew cashiers weren't supposed to serve the food.

The second visit was a few days after. You were with Jimin again, shooting down every jab he made about you only wearing a pretty dress because you knew you would be coming here. Jungkook joined you both during his break. As soon as he untied his apron and sat himself directly across from you, it struck. You knew you were screwed. You just couldn't stop staring at him. The chin in the palm of your hands and sparkles in your eyes type of staring. You would be much more ashamed if you couldn’t see the way he was staring right back. Jimin found this hilarious, of course, and would subtly find ways to connect you two in conversation. You weren't sure if you loved or hated him for it.

It was that visit that Jungkook insisted on sharing his slice of strawberry cake with you, claiming he wasn't that hungry. The both of you were embarrassed, whacking his arm and dismissing him as Jimin complained about being the third wheel. By the end of his break, Jungkook was positively smitten, you were begrudgingly infatuated, and Jimin was awfully smug. He reluctantly said bye to you both, and you were slouching forward with your head in your hands the moment he disappeared from visibility.

Jimin looked extremely pleased. "Believe me now?"

"Focusing on school," You protested. It was a weak one, but. Well.

"Are you trying to convince me or yourself?" He mused.

And suddenly, you were frantic. Panicking. This was definitely not a part of the plan.

Quickly packing up your things, you groaned loudly. "You. Maybe me. Or both. I can't think in this place anymore."

"You'll be all over each other by next week."

"Shh!" You were childishly covering your ears and speed-walking out of the café.

Try as you might, you couldn't help yourself and returned the very next day after all your classes had finished. Jungkook was already there when you walked in, taking a customer's order but doing a double take and flashing you a smile when you appeared in his line of sight. This visit consisted of nothing but pretending.

Pretending to be studying. Pretending you weren't listening to him take orders just to hear his voice. Pretending you weren't sneaking glances at him. Pretending that the way your eyes kept meeting wasn't making your skin prickle. And you were just fine pretending, until suddenly he was in the seat across from with you his apron off and a steaming hot chocolate in hand. You tried your hardest to remain indifferent, you really did. But then he was pushing the beverage towards you with gentle eyes and his smile hopeful, telling you it was his treat because he noticed how hard you were studying. And then you were melting right along with the marshmallows in that mug.

The two of you talked about your majors, your families, your favorite shows, even Jimin. You asked about his tattoos and he explained them with ease. You also may have pulled out one of the oldest tricks in the book at the sight of his knuckle tattoos, gasping in feigned wonder when you pulled his hand against yours to measure the size difference.

His hand could swallow yours whole and still have some leftover, you discovered. It was a very rewarding experiment.

You made each other laugh and blush down to the very last second of his break. Scarily enough, being in each other's presence was so annoyingly addictive that you found yourself hesitant to watch him leave. You could tell Jungkook felt the same by the way he dragged out his goodbyes. I work again on Thursday, maybe I'll see you then? Your fingers brushed as he softly took the mug from you. It was really fun talking to you. You were biting your lip to keep from smiling embarrassingly big. You look really pretty today, by the way. And then he was off.

You made a strangled noise the second you were outside with your fingers frantically beginning to type a message to Jimin.

promise not to say i told you so :///

Jungkook asked you out on your fourth visit. As soon as you approached the counter, he just blurted it out. As if it was something he couldn't hold on his tongue any longer. You couldn't hear yourself say yes over your brain malfunctioning and the powerful thumping of your heart, but you knew you did. His heartbreakingly gorgeous grin told you so.

On his break, Jungkook brought you a latte with a heart carved in the cream. You just couldn't conceal the coo that escaped you, which quickly resulted in his cheeks reddening.

Cute, you thought.

He quizzed you on your personality and the type of activities you liked to do, admitting that he would use the information to conjure up the best date you would ever go on. Six days later, Jungkook stayed true to his word. Not only was it the best date you had ever been on, but you were completely certain it would ruin any other dates for you moving forward, unless they were with him. Much to your annoyance and also utter delight, you were so sure of Jeon Jungkook and your brief but striking time together that you kissed him. Right on the swings of your favorite childhood playground, first date rules tossed aside.

He was so caught off guard that his eyes expanded to twice their normal size and your teeth banged together. You drew back, slightly mortified and ready to jump to your death from the tallest slide on the playground, but Jungkook was huffing a laugh onto your lips and grabbing your face like it was nothing. Then you two got it just right, and something clicked. The earth fell off its axis and you were rendered breathless and all that nauseating cliché shit you chastised as a myth. And from that day forward, you two were completely, tooth-rottingly, inseparable.

"Easy," Jungkook proclaimed, pecking your lips. "We finished the tree."

He set you back on the floor gently, releasing a dramatic breath of air as if lifting you to place the star on top of the tree had actually winded him. As if he wasn't a muscle pig. You rolled your eyes and told him as much.

"Don't be a baby, muscle pig," You shoved at his bicep, only proving your point further when he didn't move an inch. ‘And I finished the tree.”

Instead, he caught the hand that you nudged him with and pulled your back to his chest, caging you between his arms. "Muscle pig, huh? That's what you think of me, baby?"

You flushed at the teasing lilt in his voice, suddenly very eager to escape his hold. But try as you might, he just wouldn't budge. A loud laugh left your throat as you flailed in his grasp, his muscled arms bulging in the turtleneck you bought him for his birthday a few months ago. Suddenly, you decided that you would be returning it for your own personal peace.

A high pitched whine left your mouth, one that lost all its seriousness once it was drowned out by your giggles. "Jungkook, let go of me!"

You would just not stop wiggling, and Jungkook could not stop laughing. He could live the rest of his life like this, his brain pauses to think. He's so happy.

And when you're thrashing so violently that your heel kicks his pocket with a force that has an object clattering onto the floor, Jungkook has never reacted faster in his life. Instantly your imprisonment is gone, and Jungkook is on your floor in a flash. Your eyebrows draw together at the sight of him scrambling for whatever it is, and all you're able to see is a sleek black case before he's quickly stuffing it back in his pocket.

You're eyeing him when he rises back on his feet. "Feel like sharing?"

Jungkook whistles noncommittally. "Not particularly, no."

There's a drawn-out beat of silence where you're just gazing at each other, neither one of you backing down. And then you're crossing your arms, and he's looking at your nose and your forehead and anywhere but your eyes, and then you're arching an eyebrow. He looks at you and breaks. Defeat.

"It's your present," He lets out a heavy sigh. "Well, the main one anyway."

You positively squeal. "Ooh! Can I see? Please?"

"Baby, it's the 20th."

"Can I have a hint?"

Jungkook blinks. "No, you cannot have a hint."

You're instantly pouting, but Jungkook expects that, because he knows you better than anyone else. Which is why he knows that you're a little spoiled, with a bit of a bratty streak, with just a dash of calculated charm that you use to your advantage to get just about anything you want. He's never seen it as a bad thing. In fact, he finds it cute. A little hot, too, if he's being truthful.

Anyway, he came prepared. Just as you're opening your mouth to no doubt make him spill the surprise, he's hushing you with a bruising kiss to your lips. The kind of kiss that makes you go pliant against him, the kind that makes you make a little noise in the back of your throat. The kind you've been waiting for all night.

It’s the trick that never truly runs its course.

And Jungkook is melting, too. Melting, turning to mush at your very feet, until you're moving backwards and clutching at his shoulders, ready to push him onto the couch.

"Mmm," He's humming against you, before he reluctantly draws back. He lets you chase his lips once, twice, before he chuckles lowly. "Hold on, angel."

You're suddenly feeling warm all over after his kisses, wanting nothing more than to cuddle into him into the couch and feel him next to you. Or maybe above you. With that chain you always tugged on dangling in your face. You really weren't picky.

You watched Jungkook break away from you and rummage through his bag with a frown and a newfound heat at the pit of your belly. "It can't wait?"

Like he said, he knows you, which means he knew kisses alone wouldn’t be able to satiate you nor get you to stop asking questions for the entire week. No matter how mind-numbing they may be.

"One second," He promised, and you definitely counted at least five, but he quickly found what he was looking for all the same. "I brought a surprise. Well, two surprises."

He was holding both of his hands behind his back with this stupid grin on his face. You squinted for a few seconds, suspicious, before breathing out a laugh. "Are you ever gonna show me?"

Jungkook looked way too happy with himself.

"The most important surprise is mistletoe, obviously. Gonna have to find a way to glue it on to the ceiling above your bed." And there was that mischievous little smile that told you he had every intention of carrying that out.

You folded your arms over your body and scoffed. Even if you were trying and failing to keep your lips from quirking up and possibly, maybe finding it a little harder to breathe all of a sudden. "You're unbelievable, Jeon."

He just winked and held up his other hand, pulling a gasp from your lips the second you realized what it was.

"The Polar Express!"

"I had to check like, four different stores in the mall to find it. That's why I got here a little late, by the way. But I thought we could make some hot chocolate like in the movie and watch it together and," Jungkook pauses to think, licking his lips. "There's a 'ride my train' joke in here somewhere but I don't know how to say it."

He's snorting at his own delivery before you are, and once your giggles permeate the air he's invading your space again with a lovesick smile.

"You are the sweetest boy," You praise, holding his pretty face with both hands and peppering small kisses all over it the way he secretly likes. "But you make me sick to my stomach sometimes."

If anything, this makes him smile even wider. "I love you too, baby."

You and Jungkook are in complete darkness besides the light coming from the TV in your room playing Polar Express. His head is on your shoulder with his arm strewn across your waist, and his entire leg slotted between yours. He's soft. He smells like the lavender body soap you keep in your shower. His gentle breaths hit your neck every time he exhales and you're now cliché enough to believe that the heart underneath you beats in tandem with yours.

Both of your stomachs are filled from the takeout he ordered for dinner and the peppermint hot chocolate you made while he was in the shower. You're still mentally replaying the moment he stepped back in your room, towel wrapped around his waist with droplets of water cascading down his body. His prominent abs and tattoos and wet hair had you scrambling to sit up, clearing your throat as you tasked yourself with handing him his mug. If he noticed you ogling him, he surely didn’t react to it.

Made us some cocoa, you said.

He brought the beverage to his nose and sniffed once, twice, before his entire face bunched up. Peppermint is nasty. Then he was gulping it down.

I thought it was nasty, you laughed in disbelief.

Nothing you make me can be nasty. Thank you, baby.

And now you’re thoroughly warm from the tips of your fingertips down to your toes, and you figure it has less to do with the cocoa and more with the way Jungkook so obviously loves you. The way you love him.

Feeling a tugging at your shirt, you look down to see him peering up at you with a dazed twinkle in his eye. "You're not hot in this?"

You purse your lips and pause, knowing what was coming. "No. Are you?"

He has the decency to look a little clueless. He was always doing that, in a playfully childish way you grew to love.

"Actually, yeah I am," Jungkook furrows his brows, like it was something he was just now realizing. And then he's sitting up and pulling his shirt over his head, and you're instantly staring at his back and remembering the way it feels to rake your fingers up and down it, and he's turning back to you with a lazy smirk. "You don't wanna take yours off, angel?"

You swallow. "I'm okay."

Jungkook starts to laugh, that cocky laugh that is equal parts douchebag-ish and sexy. He's most definitely turning you on and he most definitely knows this, which is why you're glaring at him until he reaches over you and picks up the mistletoe from your bedside desk. He dangles it over your heads, makes sure to wriggle his eyebrows suggestively when he does it, and you want to laugh, you really do. You would probably roll your eyes and call him a nerd too while you were at it, if it weren't for the way he was changing his position and starting to lean over you. Crowding your space in your favorite way.

Jungkook hears your breathing pick up once you're directly under him, watches the way your lips part and your eyes change for him, and decides to go for the kill.

Nothing about the kiss was soft or gentle. Jungkook clearly had a point to prove and knew how he wanted to do it. The dangling mistletoe was soon forgotten in favor of holding your face by your chin, landing with a chime on your wooden floors. He worked your mouth open in that sloppy, messy, dirty way he only exhibited when he was feeling particularly desperate. Saliva pooled at the corners of your mouth and you were trembling underneath him, clutching at the warm skin of his back. It was nasty, absolutely obscene the way his tongue was in your mouth like his life depended on it. And you loved it. You couldn't stop making these little sounds, and Jungkook was groaning into your mouth right along with you. You were seconds away from pleading for him to do anything he wanted, to make you his, when he's abruptly pulling from you with a wet pop and a string of saliva between you.

Your ragged breaths fill the air, both of your chests heaving as you take a second to attempt to drag yourself out of the haze he's built around you two.

The asshole has the audacity to laugh. "Hot yet?"

"You don't have to bring out the mistletoe to kiss me, you know." You eventually say instead.

"I know," He pants, still smiling like the all-consuming beauty he is. "But you love Christmas. And it's our first. Wanna do it right."

You feel the need to close your eyes, let his words sink in, and so you do. You let the statement blanket over you until you're positively beaming, and when you open your eyes, he is the same. You are so irreversibly in love and you think he might be perfect. You tell him as much.

"You're perfect," You say, all soft and starry eyed. You're nodding when he starts shaking his head, and when the tips of his ears begin to turn red and he's putting his head down, you're giggling and putting both hands on either side of his head to get his eyes back on yours. "I love you a lot."

Jungkook is so happy. "Love you most."

And then he's leaning down again. This kiss is much less frantic, more steady, but still passionate and still with Jungkook, which means it fills your body with heat all the same. Your head is floating and you're squirming under his hold again when you break apart for air.

There's no point in trying to resist him anymore. You never can.

"I'm gonna take my sweater off now."

Jungkook scrunches his nose, and grins. "Okay."

read part two here!

#bts #bts fanfic #bts fanfiction #jungkook #jeon jungkook #jungkook fanfic #jungkook imagine #jungkook x reader #fluff #humor #jungkook fanfiction #jeongguk #kpop #kpop fanfic #jungkook au #jungkook series #jeongguk x reader

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sorry-apsalar · 3 years

Text

Does This Mean I'm a Girl Now?

Content Warning: this fic contains genderbending (sort of anyway) and gender dysphoria as a result of it, also multiple mentions of genitals as well as nudity in general.

My friends and I were discussing a thing that we were mildly salty about which brought on the topic about how we were salty in general over how a lot of genderbending stuff is portrayed. It often relies on stereotypes and gender roles which is really annoying and pretty shitty. Then my dear friend @itsladykit (I hope it’s okay that I tagged you, I just wanna give you proper credit for the idea) brought up the idea of a cis character getting magically genderbent and experiencing gender dysphoria because of it. Which I thought was a really neat idea but I wasn't sure if I was qualified to tell that tale but then they told me to follow my heart and write it and that's why this fic came into being.

Now I feel like I need to put the disclaimer that while I have personal experience with gender dysphoria, the worst of it was was back when I was a teenager, I've mostly grown out of it and I'm pretty sure most people have it stronger than I ever have. So if this isn't an 100% accurate depiction of dysphoria, that is why. I did my best though.

Also, Frender features in it mostly just because I was already fueled primarily by salt, might as well let my usual Futurama salt fuel me too.

“Wow,” Fry said as they looked over the naturally formed pool of bright pink goo. They’d been to a lot of different planets and seen quite a few different kinds and colours of goo but never one so pink. “It’s kind of pretty, don’t you think?”

“I guess,” Bender replied, disinterested. “I’m bored though so I dare you to jump in and see what happens.”

“Do not!” Leela snapped from somewhere behind them before Fry could even decide if he wanted to take that dare or not. “I don’t know what you guys found over there but don’t listen to him Fry because whatever it is, is probably dangerous.”

“Fucking killjoy,” Bender muttered so that only Fry could hear. He was right though; they were hiding out on a dumb planet with nothing on it to escape some asshole pirates which meant they had to just sit around and do nothing until Leela was sure they were free. It had only been probably an hour so far and Fry was already bored out of his mind. Leela had forbade them from doing anything ‘dirty’ in case they needed to get out in a hurry so the least she could do was let them investigate some cool pink goo.

So, feeling rather rebellious especially as the sound of Leela’s footsteps approached, presumably to investigate, Fry lowered himself to the ground so he could lean forward and stick in his hand in. The goo didn’t come up all the way to the lip of the natural pool, forcing him to lean a bit farther than he was really comfortable with considering the utterly unknown alien substance he would fall into if he lost his balance but if he fell Bender would catch him… probably anyway, so it should be fine.

The goo was pleasantly cool as it engulfed his hand, almost seemingly clinging to him and pulling it down. It was like sticking his hand in thick syrup fresh out of the fridge, a pleasant texture if a bit odd. Right away though his hand began to have that pins and needles feeling that came from laying on one’s arm wrong for way too long so he should probably…

The ground gave way beneath him, sending him into the goo. He didn’t even have time to yelp in surprise before he was fully submerged in it. He gasped instinctively, inadvertently breathing it in, making him choke and sputter.

He needed to get to the surface now! Except he didn’t even know where it was. He thrashed, trying to go in any direction but to no avail, the goo was too thick to swim well in and blackness was already eating at the edges of his vision. He couldn’t die like this! No fucking way! It wasn’t…

“…think it’s permanent?” Bender was saying from somewhere above Fry as he slowly came to.

“Who knows?” Leela replied from also somewhere above him. “For his sake, I hope not.”

“You make it sound like it’s a big problem.” Bender’s tone indicated that he disagreed.

“You don’t understand.” Leela was giving Bender her annoyed look, Fry didn’t even need to open his eyes to know that. “Though I guess I can’t really blame you for not understanding this, you’re a robot so it’s probably different for you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Leela sighed. “Maybe you’re right, maybe it won’t be a big deal. Heck, maybe it’ll only last a few hours.”

As much as Fry enjoyed napping, the way they were talking was rather disconcerting so with a groan he opened his eyes and forced himself to sit up. Bender and Leela were standing to either side of where he lay on the ground. Bender was coated head to toe in bright pink goo, calling to mind what had happened last. That meant he’d jumped in after Fry and was probably the sole reason he hadn’t drowned. Now he was trying to wipe the goo off with a pink rag that might’ve once been white but it wasn’t very effective.

“Hey meatbag,” he said, turning his attention onto Fry. “How do you feel?”

“Uh… weird.” Fry was covered in goo still too. It clung to him and made him feel all tingly and odd, like his whole body had fallen asleep even though that wasn’t possible. And it smelled strange too and tasted bad. He turned his head to the side to spit as much of it out as he could, though it did little to rid his mouth of the taste. “I got to wash this stuff off,” he said as he stood up, careful of the probably slippery goo coating him and pooling around where it had dripped off him and Bender. “Thanks for saving me.” Was it just him or did his voice sound strange?

“Uh… Fry,” Leela cut in before he could turn to start for the ship. “The pink stuff kind of did something to your body.”

Oh no. “What?”

“Well, uh… um…”

“The most noticeable thing it did was give you boobs,” Bender finished. “I didn’t check your pants so it might’ve changed you down there too. You might want to look into it.”

Fry looked down at himself and… true to Bender’s words, his chest was quite different; his clothes soaked in the pink goo clung to him, highlighting the weird lumps on his chest. Boobs was what they were called, he had them now, big ones too. Or at least they looked big to him from this angle which wasn’t an angle he was ever supposed to see boobs from so how was he supposed to know?

“Does this mean I’m a girl now?” he asked as he looked back up at Leela and Bender. The strange thing about his voice was that it sounded more feminine and if it sounded that way to him how much more so was it to everyone else?

“Not unless you want to be,” Leela said with a reassuring smile.

“Uh… I don’t think I do.” He’d never considered it before even in passing but now that was forcibly faced with it, he was pretty sure he didn’t want to be a girl.

“Come on, let’s go wash this gunk off,” Bender said as he gave up on the rag, tossing it disdainfully to the ground before starting for the ship. Fry was more than happy to follow because who knows, maybe it would only last as long as the goo was coating him.

“All right,” Leela said, “I’m going to collect a sample of the pink stuff to bring back to the Professor.”

Undressing brought to Fry’s unfortunate attention that the goo had changed more than just his chest and voice. His hips were wider, his shoulders a little narrower – not by much, he’d never exactly had broad shoulders but enough that even if no one else was likely to notice he still did – and the other biggest change was that his dick was missing. He could explore what was there instead with his hands but… he didn’t feel particularly inclined to do so.

Which was odd, wasn’t it? In every movie or TV show he’d ever seen where a man ended up with a female body through whatever means, the joke almost always was that they were excited to touch themselves down there and play with their new boobs. It wasn’t even that he wasn’t into such things, while he did prefer men – especially if they were robots or aliens – boobs and vagina weren’t turn offs by any means. On himself though it was just… too weird.

With a sigh, he did his best to shake it off and stepped into the shower after Bender. There was only one on board the ship because it wasn’t exactly meant for everyday use, mostly decontamination and washing off dangerous chemicals which this probably counted as. There was enough room for both of them though so it was whatever.

“You owe me for going in after you,” Bender said, turning to face him. “It leaked into my everything and now I have to clean everything.” To demonstrate, he opened his chest compartment, revealing that it had been partially filled with pink goo, Fry had to pull his foot back to stop it from splashing on him. Bender then began taking things out to wash off too, including his cigar case, its contents most likely ruined. He gave Fry a pointed look as he put it back as if this were his fault, which it kind of was.

“Sorry, thanks for saving me though, I owe you big. But uh… you did dare me to jump in.” Not that Fry had meant to or would’ve if given the choice, not even he was quite that stupid.

“I didn’t think you’d actually do it. But whatever, I guess this is more exciting than sitting around doing nothing. By the way, in case you haven’t noticed yet, your dick’s gone.”

Fry had to hold back a groan; that wasn’t something he really wanted to think about. “Yeah, I know. How long was I in the goo before you pulled me out though?” Because surely a change this drastic couldn’t have happened in brief awful seconds he remembered.

“I don’t know, five, ten minutes. That stuff isn’t exactly easy to see through and it was a lot deeper than it looked. Which was why I had to jump in to find you in it.”

“How come it didn’t do anything to you?”

“I don’t know, maybe because I’m a robot.” That was kind of an ‘oh duh’, huh?

They were silent for a bit while Fry focused on making sure to wash all the goo off. He could probably safely step out now if he wanted to, the pins and needle feeling the goo had given him was rapidly fading, but the water was warm and… “What do you think of this?” He did his best to keep his tone casual. “Does it uh… change how you see me or anything?”

Bender scoffed as if Fry was stupid to even consider such a thing. “No, why would it? I’m a robot and I’m pan so I have double the reason not to care what your body is shaped like. It should be fun to play around with later though.” He winked as if his meaning wasn’t already obvious.

Fry wasn’t really sure about that but… that was probably just because he still wasn’t over the shock of the sudden change. When he was more used to it, it would probably be fun to experiment with so… “Yeah, maybe once we’re home and stuff.” Or maybe it would wear off before they even got there and thus it would basically be a non-thing, just another weird adventure that wrapped up quickly and left everything exactly the same as before. He could always hope, right?

“… and it’s permanent,” Professor Farnsworth finished, jerking Fry out of the bored stupor listening to the scientific explanation behind the exact mechanics behind the sex change had put him in.

“It’s what?” Hopefully Fry had just misheard something. He hadn’t exactly been paying attention after all.

“It’s permanent,” Farnsworth repeated. “It’s not going to wear off.”

“You mean I’m stuck like this forever?”

“Not necessarily. There’s of course the traditional transition methods you could take or I could use this,” Farnsworth held up the vial of pink goo that Leela had collected for him, “to engineer a substance that will have the opposite effect. And then it’ll be like this whole misadventure never happened except we’ll have the means to get rich off of selling this stuff. Of course we don’t yet know what all the risks it might pose are but that’s all the more reason to sell it to as many people as possible so we can find out.”

Ugh, Fry hadn’t even considered what other possible risks his inadvertent bath in the pink goo might’ve had. What if it was also super toxic and was going to eventually kill him? Or what if it drastically increased his risk of cancer other possibly fatal condition? … Eh, it was probably fine so… “How long is that going to take?”

“Hmmm…” Farnsworth held the vial up to the light as he studied it. “I don’t know. I should probably get to work on it.” And without any further word he was shuffling off out of the room. Everyone in the room, which was everyone employed at Planet Express because privacy didn’t exist in the modern age, watched him go.

“On the bright side,” Leela said from the other side of the conference table, “if he can make something that can do the reverse, we’ll have discovered something that can help a lot of people.”

“Assuming it’s safe anyway,” Amy added. “It could still be super toxic and deadly or something. So, congrats Fry, you get to be a guinea pig for a new way of transitioning. Here’s to hoping it doesn’t kill you in the end.”

“Uh… thanks, I think.” He’d rather not be a guinea pig for anything but seems he didn’t have a choice here so yeah, hopefully it was safe to use. But at least if anyone could make something that could turn him back to normal it was the Professor. So really everything would be fine. He just had to deal with this weirdness for a little while.

Looking at himself naked in his bedroom mirror was a mistake. His boobs were weird shaped lumps on his chest that hung there kind of like those ballast bags that hung on the sides of hot air balloon baskets but rounder and with nipples. How could something that looked like that be natural? Crossing his arms over them to try to hid them from view sort of worked but it also pushed them closer together which wasn’t a pleasant sensation. And combined with his hips, they gave him that ‘hourglass figure’ that was supposed to be desirable but didn’t look right in the mirror.

He couldn’t bear to look at his crotch for more a couple seconds because his dick was gone! That was weird and just plain wrong. Everything about his body looked wrong now and he hated it. He’d never particularly liked his body before – muscles would’ve been cool to have but weren’t worth the effort – but it had been utter indifference. Now looking at himself was an unpleasant experience.

He… wasn’t just going to just get used to or over this, was he? His body wasn’t supposed to be like this and thus he couldn’t feel comfortable in it while it was.

Eager to be done looking at himself, he stepped forward and turned the mirror around to face the wall. It would stay until his body was back to normal. All he could really do was hope that that would be soon.

In the meantime though he went to his closest in search out the baggiest clothes he had. Luckily everything he wore on a typical day was already baggy and a lot of it a size or so bigger than needed. Zipping up the jacket should help obscure his boobs too, maybe even completely, though probably not because his initial call had been right, they were on the larger side. But regardless it would be better than nothing.

Right as he was pulling on the jacket, the door opened behind him. “I don’t like this whole sex change thing,” he said as he zipped up and turned to face Bender as he entered. “Like I really, really don’t like it.”

“Why?” Of course Bender wouldn’t understand and well, honestly Fry didn’t either.

“I don’t know.” There wasn’t any solid logical reason for why he disliked it so much. “It just makes me uncomfortable. My body’s not supposed to look like this with boobs and… stuff.” And lacking of other things. “I don’t like it. So if we could pretend that it’s not a thing that would be great.”

Bender gave him a weird look before shrugging and moving on. “I swear you meatbags never cease to be weird. But if it really bothers you that much, I won’t mention your boobs or junk if that’s what you want.”

“Yes, I would like that, thanks.”

“That means we’re not going to fuck tonight though, huh?”

“Uh… yeah, I’d rather not.” That would involve exploring his new body and he couldn’t imagine that being fun.

“The things I put with for you. But whatever, let’s go watch TV then.”

Fry was more than happy to follow him back out into the living room. He could really use the distraction of both watching TV and of cuddling up with Bender.

True to Fry’s prediction he never got over his discomfort about his new body. Wearing obscuring clothing helped as did making sure to never look at himself in the mirror, especially without clothes, but it was still there. He could go for hours at a time without thinking about it but ultimately it always came back in one form or another and it was the worst.

Thankfully no one at Planet Express treated him any different. None of them even mentioned it after the initial buzz about it had faded. Sadly, such was not true for strangers; men flirted with him more which wouldn’t have been much of an issue if they weren’t flirting with him because of something he was uncomfortable with and wished wasn’t a thing. Bender put a jealous stop to a lot of that though which was much appreciated. And then there was everyone calling him she or her which sucked – he got called they or them some too which was better even if it still wasn’t right – most people didn’t care when he corrected them but it was still awkward that he had to.

But finally, just when it was starting to seem like he’d reached his limit and couldn’t take it anymore, upon arriving at work, Professor Farnsworth was there to greet him with some actual good news for once. The opposite of the pink goo was ready to be tested. The fact that Fry would be the first one testing it didn’t even matter to him to anymore.

It was in the pool out back where everyone else was already waiting because again, privacy wasn’t a thing anymore apparently, though honestly Fry didn’t even really care that much. But… “I’d thought it’d be blue,” was the first thing he said upon seeing it because it was bright yellow.

“Why would it be blue?” Farnsworth asked, genuinely confused.

“Because the other stuff was pink and it did this to me so it just makes sense for something that’s supposed to do the opposite to be blue, right?”

“That makes no sense,” Bender said. “Stop being stupid and go jump in already. And don’t almost drown this time because I’m not jumping in to save you again if you do, once was more than enough.”

“You say that but I doubt you mean it,” Hermes chimed in. “We all know you’d jump if to save him if you had to.”

Bender glared at him but Amy spoke up before he could say anything. “Yeah, you two have been dating for like a year now and were like totally in love for like ever even before you were official so don’t pretend to be a tough guy.”

“Just jump in already,” Zoidberg butted in. “I want to see what happens.”

“Yes, let’s just get this over with,” Fry said before anyone else could chime in with anything. He stepped forward to stand on the edge of the pool. “Can you guys like… look away please? I don’t want to ruin my clothes and uh… yeah.” He didn’t want them seeing him naked when his body was still like this even though logically they all already knew what he looked like but… he just didn’t want them seeing.

“Of course,” Leela said as she turned away. Thankfully everyone else soon followed suit with only a little grumbling.

Eager to have this over and done with, Fry quickly undressed. After tossing his balled-up clothes to the side, he sat down on the edge of the pool and slowly lowered himself into the yellow goo. It felt exactly the same as the pink goo had; cool and thick, quickly giving him that unpleasant pins and needles feeling. He had to force himself to submerge his head.

Fry was awoken by cold water being splashed onto his face. His eyes shot open to see who else but Bender hovering over him. “Hey Fry, I thought I told you not to almost drown this time.”

He didn’t remember falling asleep or unconscious and he certainly hadn’t intended to. “Sorry,” he said as he sat up.

Everyone had crowded around to loom over where he lay on the ground next to the pool. “How do you feel?” Farnsworth asked, adjusting his glasses. “Did it work? I can’t tell with all the yellow.”

“Uh…” Fry looked down at himself. … “It worked!” he said as he shot up to his feet. He was back to normal, how his body was supposed to be. His chest of flat, his proportions back to normal, and he had his dick back. Gosh, he never would’ve thought he’d feel so good while naked and surrounded by a bunch of people staring at him.

“Congrats on surviving another sex change,” Leela said.

“And on getting your dick back,” Amy added with an unhelpful thumbs up.

“Maybe next time think twice before deciding to play with a mysterious alien substance,” Hermes said.

Of course the Professor had something to say too. “Now we just got to wait a couple weeks and see if you randomly drop dead before declaring it tested and ready to sell.”

This was very quickly growing awkward with everyone standing around Fry and talking at him while he was butt naked and covered in experimental goo. “I’m going to go wash this stuff off now,” he said as he was already backing away. Also, now that his body was back to normal, there was something he wanted to do because he finally could again and the shower would be the prefect place to do it.

He’d learned an important and valuable lesson though: next time Bender dared him to play in an unknown substance, no matter how bored he was, he’d think about it a little harder before deciding to risk sticking his hand in. And to be more careful around alien goo in general.

#My writing #futurama #Frender #genderbending #dysphoria #gender dysphoria

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gallavictorious · 3 years

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I really wish people would stop excusing their favorite character's actions with convoluted theories instead of just accepting that their faves aren't perfect. Ian should not be comparing Terry and Frank. Full stop. Especially not to Mickey's face, when Mickey is in the middle of trying to deal with the complicated feelings he has about the father that raped him by proxy and tried to actually murder him. It's ok to say "yeah you're right I don't know what you're going through but I'm here" and not make it into a shitty father competition.

And I really wish people would refrain from making groundless assumptions and recognize that trying to understand a character's motivation for doing something does not equal taking a stance on whether or not the action discussed is morally sound but alas, nonnie, we live in an imperfect world.

For those just turning in, this ask was received in response to my addition to this post.

Now, nonnie, if I understand you correctly, you disapprove of what I wrote because you see it as 1, an attempt to excuse Ian's behavior because 2, he's my favourite character and 3, therefore I can't stand to have him do something wrong. You also think that, no matter his motivations, Ian shouldn't be comparing Frank to Terry. Below, I'll quickly refutate points 2 and 3, as well as detail the difference between explanations and excuses and – hopefully – demonstrate why you can't with any sort of certainty claim that the offending post is an example of the latter. I will not really engage with the question of whether or not Ian was wrong for saying what he did, because (as we shall return to forthwith) that was not the issue originally discussed, it doesn't actually interest me, and as you do not offer any sort of reasoning for your moral judgment there really isn't anything for me to work with there anyway.

Strap in, kids; it's another long one.

Let's start with your claim that Ian is my favourite. I'm not actually going to spell it out there, but instead direct you to paragraphs 3-7 of this post. A little lazy, perhaps, but I'm sure you can appreciate why I have limited time to point out the same basic flaws twice in a fairly short period of time. (Should I pin a pic of me holding up a little sign reading ”Actually, Mickey is my favourite, even though I love Ian too” to the top of my blog? Would that be helpful?)

Moving on to point 3, I do agree with the general notion that it's fine to accept that the characters we love (no matter who that character is) are flawed and make mistakes! If you had taken the time to familiarize yourself with my thoughts on Ian and Mickey – or if you had, you know, just asked – instead of jumping to completely unsubstantiated conclusions based on a single post, you might even have realized that them being fucked up and making fucked up choices from time to time is one of the things I find most compelling about them. They are messy and complicated and human, and I love that. I neither think nor want either of them to perfect, because perfection is unrealistic is static is boring.

With that out of the way, let's get to excuses versus explanations. If one confuses the two, any attempt to discuss or explain a persons behavior will be construed as an attempt to excuse it, but to understand something and to condone it are actually two different things.

For instance, I can explain and understand why Mickey acted the way he did in 3x09, but still think kicking Ian in the face was wrong. I can explain and understand why Ian called Mickey a coward and a pussy in 4x11 but still think he was wrong for doing so. Do you see? Understanding – or trying to understand – why someone did something is not the same as saying that what they did was okay. Understanding the reasons for someone's actions might lessen the severity of our condemnation (for instance, stealing is generally considered wrong, but most of use would agree that stealing bread to feed your kid is less wrong than stealing bread because you're too stingy to pay for it) or might remove condemnation entirely (hitting someone because you are angry with them is wrong, hitting someone as part of consensual BDSM sex is fine), but understanding an action does not automatically lead to declaring said action morally correct. In short, ”why did X do Y” and ”was X right or wrong do to Y” are two different questions, and the fact that our answer to the second question often is at least partly dependent on our understanding of the first does not change that.

So explanations and excuses are not the same. And yet, sometimes the reasons for doing something (or failing to do something) are offered up as an excuse; as a reason why someone should not be held responsible for their actions, or why they were correct in performing/not performing them in the first place. That neatly leads us to the question of whether or not that's what's actually happening in the post you took exception to. And the answer to that is... you can't know. What boys-night and I discuss in the post is what Ian is actually doing (is he trying to compare trauma och convince Mickey he had it worse) and why he is doing it; that is, we are trying to understand and explain his behavior. Neither of us make any sort of statement on whether or not he was right or wrong for saying or doing what he did: that's just not the topic of conversation. Now, maybe I do think his motivations means that he's morally justified in what he said; maybe I don't. My point is that you can't know that just from what you've read in the post. You might draw some tentative conclusions, and they may be correct, but you don't know, and the reasonable and responsible way to go from there is to seek clarification by asking (polite) questions, not aggressively throwing around accusations about others grasping for straws in a despertae attempt to exonerate their favorites from wrongdoing.

(And just to remind you, even if I were making excuses for Ian, it wouldn't be because he's my favourite or becuase I can't bear to have him do wrong.)

You are perfectly free to disagree with any of the points made in the post, by the way, but you need to recognize that what we're disagreeing on then is motivation, not morality.

And, oh, of course it would have been okay to say "yeah you're right I don't know what you're going through but I'm here", but that's not what Ian did. Now, if you are happy to go ”ah, Ian fucked up, he's not perfect” and move on, that's fine. You do you, nonnie, and if analysis and discussion of character motivations isn't your jam then it isn't and I'm sure no one is going to force you to engage in it. (And if they try to, you can simply say ”I don't care” and walk away.) However, to be perfectly honest I am a bit perplexed that you should be so indignant over other fans trying to make sense of his actions. Do you still feel that way now that you – hopefully – understand that trying to explain a characters' behavior doesn't necessarily mean trying to excuse it? I mean, surely you are aware of the fact that people usually have reasons for acting the way they do, even if the way they act is shitty or misguided? (Note that I'm not saying that Ian's actions were shitty and misguided. That is not the discussion we're having.) I am rather curious, actually, as to what you think Ian's motivations were? Do you imagine he was deliberatedly diminishing Mickey's trauma? Why, if so? Do you perhaps think that he is obsessed with being The Most Victim and thus takes every opportunity to list all the ways Frank sucked? Or maybe that his mouth just moves without any thought or reason and the words just randomly happened?

To be fair, it seems that Ian's motivations is not something you consider relevant: you write that ”Ian should not be comparing Terry and Frank. Full stop.” And that's absolutely a moral stance you can take, albeit certainly not the only one. Maybe Ian shouldn't have said what he said Had you given any reasons for this verdict, I might even have agreed with you because I can think of several reasons why it might be better if Ian refrained from comparing Terry and Frank, no matter his motivations. (And I might not, because I can also think of several reasons why such a comparision might be justified, even though Terry is clearly the more evil of the two.) However, we shall never know, because you fail to back up your claim. I guess that's because you deem it self-evident? It is not, and until you provide any sort of reasoning for your grand proclamation, I won't engage with the question. Not going to shadow-box with you, nonnie, or do your work for you; if you want a discussion, make your case properly. Though maybe make it elsewhere – as previously noted, passing judgement on the characters is not my primary interest when discussing them. I am much more intrigued by trying to understand why characters do and say what they do and say.

Phew. Okay, that's me done, I think. I realize that you might not be very impressed with this answer, nonnie, but I hope it may to some degree reassure you that no sneaky attempt to excuse my favourite character's actions with convoluted theories was made by this humble blogger. Not this time, at least.

#today will be a housekeeping day where i try to catch up with a few asks and tag games #sorry to spam your dashes #i have a theory by the way #and that's that the sudden influx of curious asks in my inbox is the result of my occasional andcareless foray into shitty graphics and gifs #it makes people not take me seriously anymore #okay maybe they never DID but even LESS seriously then #also it's a way to distract me from the shitty graphics and gifs #can't make them if i'm spending half a day writing this sort of stuff #so yeah i think this is the universe tell me to stay in my fucking lane #boo universe #where's your sense of fun?!#i'm gonna do what i want anyway #btw if you sent me an ask and weren't rude then NO i'm not talking about your ask #asks #shameless spoilers #11x06

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gayregis · 3 years

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btv, I'm the same anon that once asked you why you don't like any ship of regis with women. like a succubus or vampire. you answered in a kind of mocking way. I don't know, if you were offended by my question, I apologize. but I was really interested why you don't like these ships and I thought maybe you could explain it as well as ship with detlaff?

i’m sorry i answered in a spiteful way, the likely reason for it is that when i started this blog (because my url is... gayregis...) i got a lot of hate and harassment, a lot of asks hounding me and asking why i don’t think regis dates women. i apologize, i accidentally assumed your ask was another one of those that was coming from a place of aggression instead of one of like, actual curiosity and wanting to know my thoughts. i appreciate your genuine interest, it’s refreshing as well as flattering, thank you!

why i dislike regis x dettlaff is a really long post which can be found here, i feel like i pretty much said everything there

as for regis and women... hm... well, i think it can be hard to describe why a character feels gay to you, sometimes. it’s easier with characters like dandelion, he dresses very colorfully. i think as for regis, he is gentle and kind but comes from a background of being in turmoil, not knowing himself, trying to be someone he’s not for social approval. i think that this is what initially struck me as something similar to “a gay experience,” or at least something like my experience was, where i tried to be someone i wasn’t to gain social approval, and it made me miserable.

i’ll basically be explaining here why i think sapkowski wrote in some things (most likely, not meaning to, lol) that feel like this gay experience i describe, but only wanted to show him having relations with women because, well. the sexuality of sapkowski’s characters is an entirely different post which would take years to write, i think. but from the text, we can see that regis struggled with identity in baptism of fire, and when he speaks of his backstory he describes being so uncomfortable and nervous when trying to speak to girls that he would need to drink before doing so, to alter how he acted. this feels to me (obviously, a non-canon interpretation that one can disagree with, but since this ask has asked, i’m just going to give my opinion) like he initially approached love in a pretty unhealthy way, forcing himself to see women as desirable and forcing himself to flirt, instead of just allowing love to happen naturally. this feels like compulsory heterosexuality to me, and is a relatable experience from a gay perspective.

on the other hand, in the present, we see him forming very good friendship with geralt in a natural manner. they slip easily in and out of conversation, they have multiple “asides” away from the group where they discuss things privately, regis becomes his sort of confidant and advisor and almost “second in command” of the hansa (referencing: in baptism of fire, when geralt tells regis if the plan doesn’t work out the two of them can press on together alone, him swimming across the yaruga and regis flying across as a bat... and in ttos, when geralt tells angouleme to tell regis, “regis will know what to do”). i feel like this demonstrates trust, care, companionship, etc, that has been created naturally, without any substance use to numb the senses or anxieties, and when regis is in a place of knowing himself, knowing peace and not forcing himself to rush into anything. it’s healing.

we can see that regis’ past relationship with a woman (the only one he mentions from his past, before he died) did not turn out well in the end. he drank too much, she left him, he was upset and used this as an excuse to drink more. obviously, very unhealthy behavior. while i actually think that regis and queen of the night* had a good relationship while it was still good, as she canonically stabilized him a little and was a steady force in his life, i feel like there’s no real exploration of this romance and it’s rather coming from the general perspective of “she helped me out.” it’s not so much an argument for regis finding women attractive as it is for regis needing someone to help him realize there’s something more to life than just partying. this relationship can be interesting though and i have thought about it, but it’s important to remember that also, this was a long time ago (a couple of centuries) in regis’s life, pretty much right before he went off the deep end and “died.” so it kind of represents the “past” him that he used to be, rather than the “present” him, in my opinion.

as for natanis** the succubus in toussaint, i feel that that also was a very “throwaway” romance for regis that sapkowski threw in. the point of toussaint is that everyone in the company gets distracted and finds it difficult to leave because it’s such a perfect, dreamlike, fairytale land -- and of course, in sapkowski’s vision, this means all characters enter into a heterosexual romance -- geralt and fringilla, dandelion and anna henrietta, milva and the baron de trastamara, cahir and the baroness nique (and also dandelion and the baroness nique... yeah. okay), regis and the succubus, angouleme and the young knights... it’s all very cliche and fun because it’s intended to be. but it really means nothing for regis’s character or his attraction to women asides from being a throwaway joke of irony that regis (a know-it-all who speaks for so long your eyes glaze over) kept a succubus satisfied. it also only affects his character when fringilla uses this information against him as blackmail, and again, when it’s stated that everyone has kind of grown attached to toussaint. so, there is no actual real romance between regis and the succubus, it’s more of a narrative thing and a joke than an actual argument for him liking women, and this is why i don’t really see it as such.

these are how i feel about these two main regis x female characters ships, and so i headcanon that he’s gay when the saga takes place because he’s found this sort of inner peace and is happy with himself. and because he has fulfilling and kind of intimate relationship with geralt developed over the books (which can be headcanoned as romantic)

--- footnotes

* as cdpr has named her queen of the night, for she has no other name than “very special vampire girl” in baptism of fire, so i’ll accept cdpr’s naming, and for quick reference, i call her “queenie,” because 1) it’s cute 2) ‘regis’ means king, so ... king and queen, of course.

** as cdpr has named her, again, she has no canon name in lotl asides from “the succubus”, so i’ll accept that, i feel it’s only decent to refer to female characters by names instead of vague titles.

#ask #anon #regis #queen of the night #geregis #natanis

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forkanna · 3 years

Link

[AO3] [WATTPAD]

After a few fluffy pleasantries were exchanged, some cutesy things for their new fans, Rise bid her lady love farewell and went back to class. The rest of the day, she doodled in her notebook a few thoughts about the situation, trying to make sense of everything that happened. All in all, she was more or less satisfied with the results, even though she desperately regretted that they had to arrive there through such a rocky avenue.

Once she stepped outside, she barely had enough time to start fishing in her bag for an umbrella before one appeared over her head, blotting out the rain. She looked over to see Ai smiling serenely down at her.

"Awwwww," a chorus of girls from nearby cooed as the two headed off toward Inaba together. The boys around them mostly just looked confused.

Walking in silence with her arm hooked through Ebihara's was the nicest thing she had felt in a long time. If only it would last… but Rise knew better. Being right didn't make it any less hard to take.

"Let go of me," Ai growled when they were alone.

"Aww, c'mon," she purred in an unctuous voice, only tightening her hold on that arm. "We still make an adorable couple. And you know this still feels good."

"I ought to punch your lights out for what you did to me today. How could you out me in front of that whole crowd? Again?"

"What?! I didn't! In fact, I specifically saved you from being outed — they were going to lynch you, and somebody would have knocked your towel off!"

"That isn't- do you really expect me to believe that's the reason you did all that?"

It was, actually. "Of course not. Not all of it, not the only reason. But it's why I sped things up and jumped in when I did. I didn't want…"

Ai let out a bone-weary sigh. "Fine. Doesn't matter, the damage is done. Thank you very much, you cunt."

"Oooh, ouch." They were both quiet for a minute. "What do you mean, I outed you again? I didn't even out you on purpose the first time, and I specifically stopped anybody from finding out this time. Kind of self-destructed my career to do it."

"Oh please, your career was going nowhere. This isn't going to change that. And I didn't mean outing me as trans; I meant outing me as bisexual."

"What? Oh… well I did it to myself, too. You didn't leave me any choice! Do you not remember the part where I begged you to just let me walk away?"

"That's not the point! You made that choice, just like you made the last choice! It was all you! How do you not see why I'm pissed at you for taking away all my options?!"

"FINE!" When that word echoed off the nearby buildings, they both ducked their heads and tried to do a better job of keeping their voices down. "Fine. I'm a huge moron, I do everything wrong, I just mess everything up for poor you."

Ai snorted. "If you're waiting for me to disagree with you, you're going to have a long wait."

"But now you're stuck with me. At least for a little while. Maybe in a week or two, we can stage some big breakup — one where you're wearing all your clothes, and you could get away from me, and spend the rest of your life thinking I'm the worst person on Earth. But until then, it's me and you, so you're just going to have to make the best of it."

This silence was a lot longer. Both of them resented each other, and resented that they still cared about each other despite the damage they were causing. It wasn't until they were walking past the Shiroku store that Ai suddenly seemed to find her voice.

"Crappy as you're being toward me… I have to admit, I'm impressed. You got really conniving in that locker room."

"Yeah, well, you didn't leave me much choice," Rise sighed as she watched the clouds for a moment. "I can't let you run me out of my own hometown, or destroy my whole career. And making life miserable at school was just really getting old."

"Oh." When Rise turned to look at her, Ai shrugged. "Sorry. I don't know how, but I forgot this is your hometown. Probably because you were too busy slutting it up all over Japan to come back until last year."

"Oh yeah, slutting it up. The total virgin."

"You are not. I don't buy that at all; I never really did."

"Oh well," she sighed with a shrug. "Guess you'll never find out now, since you hate me so much."

"Oh yeah? Wait…" Ai brought them to a stop in the middle of the street, near the old Tatsuhime Shrine. "Did you think… I was going to stick my dick in you?"

Rise winced. Hard. She felt an odd chill run through the back of her knees at the directness of the language. "Do you have to be so vulgar? I mean, wow, you could use a little tact!"

"You did. You thought we would be each other's firsts. Awww, that's so cute!"

"Hey, I did not think that far ahead! And I always thought Yu-kun would be… my…"

That one still hit them both hard enough that the ire faded immediately. Seemed that despite all their best intentions to move on with life, they were still two women who carried a torch for a boy that had always been bound for greener pastures once his parents returned from overseas.

"That… can be what you give me."

"What?"

Ai turned to look at her coldly, directly. "Give me Narukami-kun."

"EXCUSE ME?!" she burst out, eyebrows shooting sky high. In the corner of her vision, she saw a little fox wearing some kind of bandana start and rush into the bushes. "Are you crazy? You think I'm just going to-"

"It's really simple. You and I take care of this breakup thing. Then, once I graduate, I'll chase after Narukami; we'll go to the same college. It'll be perfect. You're a year younger, you can't even try the same thing. And if you give me that… I'll consider us square. I will actually forgive you for trying to out me the first time, and for whatever the hell just happened in the locker room. Totally square on all fronts."

Rise couldn't even form a response. That was crazy. No, it was more than that. "Are you that disgusting?"

"What now?" Ai fired up. "Disgusting?!"

"Yeah! For thinking you can just say that Yu-kun is yours without even asking him!"

"God, you're such a goody-goody," she groaned with a huge roll of her eyes. "I meant, you will take yourself out of the running. Obviously I won't want to hang onto him if he's not interested anymore! But if it's between you and me for him, which it was looking like before…"

"Then you're the one, because I'm off the list." Sighing, she pinched the bridge of her nose while Ai smirked triumphantly. "That isn't… I mean, I can't really agree to that. If he comes after me, I'm going to let him. He deserves to be happy. But…"

"But?" she asked swiftly.

"But I will not chase him anymore. That is the best I can promise."

"You'll… really do it? Wow, I thought you had more fight in you."

"Oh, you have no idea," she grunted, and Ai snorted. "But I also know I really messed up. You won't believe me that it was an accident; okay, I can't help that. But I still should do what's right and try to make it up to you."

The prissy girl pursed her lips as she shook her head. "You always sound like you're in front of a fucking camera." But when Rise just shrugged and looked down at the ground, she didn't follow it up with another snide comment. Just started walking again in silence.

They made it all the way to Rise's before they seemed to realise what they were doing. Ai cleared her throat as she led them up to the door. And she couldn't resist. "What, were you waiting for a goodnight kiss?"

"For your adoring public? Pass." Then she sighed. "I was trying not to let you get rained on. Hurry up."

"Okay." Though she did hesitate. So many things she wanted to say… but now wasn't the time. As defeated as she felt, she had to convince herself that there would be more chances to patch things up if she didn't foul this one up by pushing. "Thanks."

"Yeah, whatever. Go."

And that was that. Except Rise knew, deep down, it wasn't. They would have more chances to do something besides snipe at each other ceaselessly. It was all she had to hang onto for now.

~ o ~

"So wait… I don't get it."

"Neither do I," Rise sighed into the phone as she sorted through her clothes. "But like, do you mean you don't get it at all? Because I can explain it again if you need-"

"No, no, let me try." Chie's tinny voice took a deep breath. "You basically forced him to play a big game of chicken. Either he cops to the fact that you two have been screwing with each other, and he's been playing all these shitty pranks, or he has to spend time with you and like, you can maybe patch things up?"

"Youuuu got it. Oh — this one's cute, I forgot about this." She hung the garment over the closet door.

"Man, that is twisted. But he really said that if you back off Narukami he would forgive you?"

"She did."

"And you believe him?"

That pronoun thing was really starting to get on her nerves. "Chie… can you do me a big favour? Stop calling her 'him'."

"What? But… you told us he's a guy under all that makeup."

"It's disrespectful. She wants to be seen as a girl."

"Well… maybe he shouldn't be a dick to you. That kinda goes with the dick he has in-"

"Chie…" Rise wasn't even entirely sure why her blood was boiling over this so much. Especially when it wasn't like Ai had been entirely respectful to her. But she did know that she couldn't focus on the topic of discussion if she had to keep mentally correcting Chie.

"Okay, okay, geeze. It's not like I meant anything by it."

"I know. Just try? Pretty please?" Rise cleared her throat. "Anyway, yeah, I do believe her. But I'm not stupid. I know this could just be some kind of trick to one-up me again. Like, she still sees it all as a big game to win, and… I don't like it but I can't stop her."

"Right. So he's- she's willing to blow your friendship to kingdom come, and for what? The win? Bragging rights? That's so… depressing."

"She really thinks we hurt her. On purpose. And the more I think about it, the more I get it."

"Well, I don't! We were supposed to be her friends!"

"Her friends have betrayed her before. Back in her old school, they all said she was a gross pig, and disgusting, and… and all that other stuff. And here we act like we'll be her friends, but the minute we find out she's a little different, what do we do?"

There was an annoying groan on the other end of the line, preceding a sigh. And then… "We blabbed it all over school. You're right, I'm… we all sucked. But doesn't he know it was an accident by now? You told him, right?"

"Told her, yeah."

"Fuck. But yeah, so like, what more does h- she want from us? To make a public apology during the morning announcements?"

"Well…" Rise dropped the capris in her hands. "Whoa. Actually, that might be a great idea."

"HUH?! H-hey, come on, I was just messing around! I couldn't do that, you know how I get stage fright!"

"No, no, listen. Not what you said exactly, but… I think you and the others could apologise to her. I have, and that's important since the whole thing is my fault for blabbing in the first place. But I think if we all told her we were sorry for spreading it around…"

Chie didn't answer right away. Rise had enough time to put half of her clothes away before she breathed, "Okay… I don't like it, because it still feels like I didn't do anything wrong. But seeing how it turned out kinda does say otherwise, doesn't it?"

"A little bit."

"Yeah. Copy that, I'm… me and Yukiko are in. I'm sure she would have done it without even putting up a fight. And I can call Yosuke and bully him into agreeing."

"Thanks," Rise laughed as she flopped down on her bed. "Now… what do I wear on my date?"

"Yeah, I dunno. Wait — your what?!"

~ o ~

Her date. With Ai Ebihara.

Now that the entire school was gossiping about how two of its prettiest girls were dating each other instead of the most eligible bachelors at Yasogami High, it was put up or shut up time. Which meant they had to be a couple as visibly as possible or be exposed as a sham. They had thought about simply being cutesy around school, but that could have the unpleasant side effect of getting them in trouble with the staff; they frowned upon public displays of affection. So they settled upon a little flirting and winking in the hallways, and going out to Aiya afterward.

Which was all Ai would talk about on the phone. No deep reflections on how they had hurt each other, no attempts to patch things up; just business. Which was funny, considering their "business" was pretending to patch things up. What a disaster. But Rise tried not to let it get to her; there would be plenty of time to improve this situation if she paid attention for opportunities.

Flirting and winking was easy, because it was brief. They both had some experience with acting; Rise professionally, and Ai in terms of learning a completely new set of outward responses and behaviours. That was another realisation she came to with all that free time apart from Ai. How hard must it be to learn how to be a boy all your life, then realise you aren't one, and have to start over from scratch? She had been about a dozen years behind the other girls her age at that point. No wonder she spent so much time poring over fashion magazines, exhibiting typical bitchy queen behaviour. She had to cram a lot into six short years.

"Well, are you ready, girl?" Ai said with a convincingly enraptured smile.

"Mmhmm!" Bounding over, she wrapped both arms around one of hers. Clinging. That was going to be her thing; since Ai was taller, she would be the 'girl', right? "Let's go! I'm starving!"

Once they were out of earshot of the students, Ai whispered, "Why are you hanging off me like this?"

"Because it's cuuuuuute," she cooed, making the taller girl snort. "And they expect me to be the cute one. I'm Risette, it's my whole thing; if I weren't, they would probably figure out something is up."

"Oh, you had a legit answer. Didn't expect that." Then she shrugged. "I guess that works. It's just… nah. Forget it."

"Oh, don't get all shy now, Ebi-chan!" When she poked her in the stomach, Ai looked so offended that she couldn't help laughing. "No, really. What's up?"

"No, I… I'm just… I know you don't care, but this is bad for my dysphoria."

"Dyswhat?"

Her eyelid twitched in annoyance. "Gender dysphoria. It means… like… you know how euphoria means you feel really good?" Rise nodded. "Dysphoria is the opposite. And in terms of gender, like, it means I'm uncomfortable because…"

Ai was really and truly struggling. So she might as well give it a shot. "Because… your gender isn't right?"

"NO. That's the opposite of- forget it."

"Hey, I don't know this stuff. I don't know why you keep acting like I'm supposed to be- like, you. That's not fair."

"No, it's not. But it's not my job to educate you on all of it, either. Crack a book, go online? God, you have so many resources avail-"

"And you are one of them. I'm asking because I want to understand better! Really! Clearly I screwed up bad so I… do you want me not to screw up anymore, or what?"

That seemed to take Ai by surprise. She blinked a few times before shaking her head. "Wow. Spoiled as ever. You should still try to learn this shit on your own, too, but… I guess… I am a little impressed."

"You said you felt this badness because I'm hanging off your arm, right? I don't get it. I mean, is it because it makes your boy-parts uncomfortable?"

"They're not-" Another deep, cleansing breath. Was she really being that much of a pain in the ass? "Okay, I'll walk you through this, princess. You're hanging off my arm like you would for a guy. But I'm not a guy — and I've literally spent thousands of dollars and years of my life trying not to be seen as one. So when you treat me like one, anyway…"

A crease marred her perfect brow. "Oh. It… gives you the big feel-bad. I see."

And she let go right away. Rise felt even more alone now, walking next to Ai, than she had over their days of total silence. Even now, she was still screwing up. She wasn't wanted by the person she found herself most wanting to be with. If that wasn't the lowest feeling in the world, it was definitely in the running.

"There you go."

"What?"

"There." Ai was pointing at her. "The way you look right now? Probably feel like garbage? That's it — that's how I felt all day when people were spreading the rumour around, how I felt back before my transition began. Like I'd rather walk into traffic than have to keep feeling that way. Maybe it's not quite that terrible for you but at least it gives you an idea."

"Oh." By now, her eyes were watering, but she told herself this wasn't the time for a pity party. She had to take care of Ai if she wanted to show her she was really listening, not just making nice for the sake of moving past the painful retaliation. "S-so I shouldn't… grab your arm. Or do other things that make you feel like the 'boyfriend'? But I don't… know how to… what e-else I'm…"

"Spare me the tears," Ai said — but at least this time, she just sounded defeated instead of angry or disgusted. "Just say what you mean, like an adult."

"Fine! Then I don't know how to be your girlfriend, because all I know how to do are girlfriend things! What, am I supposed to be the boy? I have NO IDEA HOW! Should I get a driver's license so I can chauffeur you around?! Buy you a really, really late White Day present?! I… I'm not good at that, I'm just going to screw it up, and you already think all I do is screw up! So can't you just tell me what to do already if I'm such a failure?!"

By that point, there were definitely more than a few people standing on the sidewalks, staring at the two of them. Rise knew it was her own fault; she had lost control of her emotions. The frustration was manageable most of the time but her patience and resolve weren't infinite. The look on Ai's face was one of abject horror, mingling with confusion. But little by little…

She began to smile. Then laugh — not much, just a chuckle or two. "Oh my God, that was a lot."

"Tell me," Rise said in a softer whisper.

"Fine. The real answer is 'neither of us is the boy', but I don't think you'll like that one. So…" She shrugged and started walking again, Rise hurrying to fall into step next to her. "Just do what you want to do for a friend. But for me. And say something cutesy and girlfriend-y; that part is fine. I would want you to act like the girlfriend, anyway, since you are a girl. I just don't want to be treated like a boy."

"But that's so complicated!" she burst out in frustration.

"Yeah," Ai admitted with a long sigh, eyes downcast. "Everything is. You… really complicated my life. I was hoping I could just marry Narukami, finish my surgeries and so on, and maybe life would fall into place. And here comes Risette to throw a wrench in the works."

That left her quiet for a moment. Then a small smile formed on her lips. "Along comes Risette? Meaning… you aren't completely done with me yet?"

"Tch. Clearly I'm not now that you blackmailed me into this relationship."

"Hmmm, you mean like you tried to blackmail me into outing you?" She examined her nails as they reached Inaba proper, turning down the street toward the diner. "Which I figured out, by the way."

Ai blinked a few times. "You did? What do you mean, you 'figured it out'?"

"Your motive. Guess I'm not as dumb as I look."

"What motive?" But instead of answering, Rise merely skipped ahead a few steps, turned to walk backward, and stuck her tongue out at her. "Hey! What the hell are you talking about?! JERK! You are the WORST!"

To Be Continued…

#we'll face ourselves #saphir de lune #forkanna writes #persona 4 fanfiction #p4 fanfic #jess the writer

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