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hungerpunch · 9 months

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reflecting on past experiences where i mistook gleeful consumption as intimacy

i think the first time i felt the lens of her cells slide out from underneath my idolizing of her was.

i was 21. "i gotta go to bed," i told her, a sleepy blur. her eyes were the dark color of a perfectly packed puck of coffee for espresso.

"but whyyyy," she pouted. time zones away. skin overexposed on the screen. mauve lips full, mouth the beguiling pit of her plum-shaped face.

collapsed on my bed. i rubbed my eyes. "have to be up for class in two hours," i said, "and then after class i'm on dinner at the italian restaurant, and then closing the bar up north and..." i blinked at her, beseeching. i was so exhausted from a midnight shift at the ice cream shop after a full day of class. "i just don't know when i will get the chance to sleep again."

it was this moment. i could feel myself understanding what i would say, if i were her. what i wished she would say. something like, oh my gosh, go to bed sweetheart.

she kicked her feet, ankle to butt, ankle to butt, swishing the fabric of her nightie. "just a liiiittle longer?" she said. "if you go to sleep i'll be so lonely."

so i stayed awake. i just wanted to prove to her i was good. that i deserved her time. that maybe she would once more watch me among a group of 20 and slide up to whisper in my ear, just for me, how handsome she thought i looked that night.

when i think of this now, it blows me. because i realize i have never done what she always did to me. i never expect, much less ask, my loved ones to prioritize me over their wellness. especially something as basic as sleep. when she knew how hard i was working. i genuinely don't want that. ever. in my relationships. how could i want that? when i love you? real love is care. and i care that you are okay before i care that we talk.

the first seed of doubt was sowed. she didn't love me. she did not think i was interesting. but she liked the attention i paid her. the open adoration i beheld her with. my heart on my sleeve for her. my ears my mouth my heart my hands open to receive her in whatever way would appease her ego.

i wish i could say that was the last time i put myself in that position. but from here, looking back, i see that i was drawn many more times to people who would not bother to look at me before eating me and then expelling me from their interior once they harvested every nutrient from me. people who would crawl into my bed and undo my covers and press themselves against my sternum and force my heart to reckon with them. while i was just low hanging fruit to them.

bide the red flags. when someone earnestly asks or demands to be put above your health and getting your bills paid or your studies done, turn on your heel and go the other fucking way, my friends.

it never feels less jarring. to her i want to say, how could you do that me i was just a kid. to another i say, how could you lay in my bed, curled up in my arms, trading secrets. then one day gone. as surgical as that. as sudden as an on/off switch. and i have to see you everywhere.

to others, more troublesome things. some hateful.

#journal blogging #my lyfe #got sloshed off some margs at a movie tn came home and wrote this b4 my therapy tmrw #we will see #sorry to be grade a hot mess around here lately i am just unpacking a lot these days

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foxingpeculiar · 20 days

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The thing is, I can’t think of an experience that would not be improved by sharing it with her, nor a person I would rather share them with. That’s been true for a very long time (like longer than some people on this site have been alive), and I just can’t quite get around it.

I commissioned a painting from her. I don’t know what it will be, but I’m very curious to find out.

It’s a long, slow dance. But she’s dancing it with me, so okay. Let’s see.

#personal #journal blogging

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nyancrimew · 6 months

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new article by me!

a cultural journalism deep dive into an increasingly weird internet community rabbit hole, created with some research help by @cryptotheism and their editor!

content warnings: slurs, xenophobia, suicide/self harm, grooming, eating disorders, cults, femcel culture, edgelord shit, NFTs

#maia arson crimew #maia blog #culture journalism

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biscuitdolly · 5 months

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channels for mental , physical , and spiritual improvement ♡

히니HEENY - makeup tuts , clothing hauls , vlogs

짜잔씨 misstada - vlogs , makeup tuts

A Coreana Beauty 소연뷰티 - glow up tips , skincare , routines

Alex Bondoc - productive vlogs , self care

bossgirlified - skincare , self improvment , glow up tips

electrasoul - spirituality , self love

Free Tea - law of assumption , manifesting , self concept

Garima Verma - productive vlogs , self care

Hinafit - workouts , pilates , dieting tips

Hitomi Mochizuki - self worth , spirituality , life tips

hyler - manifestation , self concept

Iyzah♡ - self love , self care

jaila abriana - vlogs , self improvment

Janika Bates - hygeine help , routines , vlogs

justina mendez - sexual help

lay luv - makeup , vlogs

mei monte - wonyoungism , glow up tips

mira daisy - pink pilates princess , vlogs

Olivia Yang - pink pilates princess , self care

Persephonesmind - self love , confidence , life tips

SHOW NEMOTO - self concept , self improvment

Teaira Walker - vlogs , beauty , skincare

Thewizardliz (obv) - self improvment , self love , confidence

Vickita Trivedi - life tips , feminity

WokeupCupid - spirituallity , self concept

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lottiestudying · 6 months

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12.11.2023—had a few slow study days to deal with my mental health. had some time to think through my analysis, so have some more clarity there. hopefully this week i can finish a second full first draft

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pinkgirlgems · 2 months

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cute coquette like journals ♡

#pink aesthetic #pink #pinkcore #pink blog #pink vibes #soft pink #aesthetic #pastel pink #pink moodboard #coquette pink #coquette black girl #coquette plus size #coquette aesthetic #coquette #coquette decor #journal #scrapbook

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mayakern · 1 year

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this is the first comic ive made in literal years and tbh i think its a masterpiece

#artists on tumblr #art #journal comics #the real life of kittenpoots kern #dog blogging #maya draws things #comics

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sapphicacademic · 1 year

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things to add to your journals

song lyrics for a specific mood

spotify codes for favourite songs

receipts from a trip

envelope for gifts from any small children you know

pages to press flowers in

ticket stubs

fortune cookie readings

daily three-card tarot pulls

watercolour paper for art

page cutouts

watercolours just in general

pressed flowers

other dried herbs

sketches (taped or glued in)

morning/evening routines

colour in the leftover paper backing from stickers and glue/tape it in

friendship bracelets that may have broken or come off

grocery lists or other shopping lists (glue in if written on other paper)

book quotes

block poetry (you'll have to take a page out of a book for this)

mental health goals

halloween: candy wrappers

fabric scraps

family recipes

different textured papers

stamps

coins

#study blog #studyblr #academic #bullet journal #study aesthetic #bullet journal inspo #journal prompts #journal #bujo #bujo community #bujoaddict #journal ideas

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audrinawf · 8 months

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do not underestimate the power of cleaning your space, meditating and journaling your thoughts. especially journaling cause once you start brain dumping your thoughts you actually release them and once you do your higher self starts to show up in your writing. whenever I need ideas I start brain dumping all of my thoughts, tasks and things I have to do and it’s like I empty my mind and my concious mind and my subconscious mind takes over and I get these amazing downloads come through.

#glow up #femininity #manifestation #self care #girly blog #law of attraction #law of assumption #self development #the void state #conciousness #neville goddard #edward art #loa blog #higher self #subconciousmind #meditation #journaling

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pefkaes · 3 months

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01.02.2024 // I'm quite inconsistent with my journalling. I've had this journal since 2021 but I want to start a new one because this one is full of sorrow, hollowness and desperation. Lately, I have been journalling daily so hopefully I'll be able fill this journal soon.

#journal #studyblr #studyspo #study blog #studying #journaling #notebook #study aesthetic #studyblr community

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hungerpunch · 1 year

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scraping brain out

sometimes i get frustrated or genuinely confused about why i still struggle with my relationship to my body so much when i'm like.. mostly fine with it these days. why do i still pick my face until it's bloody everywhere when i'm stressed. why do i pull the skin off my lips until they're bleeding and swollen. why am i so, so afraid of being looked at, why does attention make my skin crawl, why do i cringe when people talk about me even if it's positive?

it's like my brain routinely suppresses the reasons and then i remember. oh yeah. i was violently bullied from the ages of 8-18. i was physically attacked by kids of all genders. i was stalked. i was hurt. i was humiliated at every opportunity. verbally degraded at every opportunity. oh yeah, in seventh grade i came to school and someone had tacked up a list of ugliest kids in the grade and i was number three. oh yeah, a girl stole my journal out of my backpack and read pages aloud in the cafeteria to a rapt and mocking audience. everything about me was an easy target. i was super short. i had a flat chest. then i got glasses. then i got acne. then i got braces. my hair was always frizzy and could not be tamed. i was queer and they knew it before i did. they smelled my fear. they were amused by my anger when i tried to fight back. it wasn't even just in school. they appeared at my softball games. they followed me home. i was dragged through a creek, crying and full of thorns from bushes. i was pushed down into a ravine and when i climbed back up they pushed me back down, again and again until it got dark and they had to go home. i was chased and pinned and pinched and spat on and sat on and laughed at and laughed at and laughed at. i had my phone number printed on hundreds of pieces of paper and scattered all over the high school, all over the parking lot, with salacious rumors attached. i had to change my number. people asked me on dates as a joke. people asked me to dances then stood me up, collecting bets from their friends. they drove their cars along the sidewalk and screamed slurs at me. during class they blew spitballs into my hair and my face. they called me dirty because of my acne even though i was sitting in monthly dermatologist appointments, trying new things, obsessively cleaning myself.

adults saw and did nothing. in fact when my attempts to defend myself occasionally drew blood from my abusers, i was the one reprimanded. i couldn't bring myself to tell my parents the extent of it because they thought i was tough and i wanted to be tough. i didn't want to be soft. i didn't want to need help. i didn't want to change schools and leave my handful of friends.

and this is just school kids. i can't even get into family.

i have had profound healing via therapy, about reuniting with my younger self and loving them unconditionally. i know i protected me because nobody else did. i get confused about the way my adult self moves and reacts because my brain keeps this all under a lid, so i can function. then i remember. i get frustrated because i think, shouldn't i be healed by now. shouldn't i be past this. shouldn't i be better adjusted. but the truth is, no. i still haven't let this poison from my blood enough. i think it's important to understanding me as a person. i think it's important to understanding my perspective. i think it's important to understanding i didn't have anything remotely close to a normal childhood. i think it's okay that it still plagues me. i think it's okay.

#my lyfe #journal blogging #bullying #fucked up and triggered myself so have to let it out for a second

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medstudiees · 8 months

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current journal (a paperblank flexible notebook), new pencil pouch and current read: Jane Eyre☕️🫶🏻

#bookblr #bookworm #books & libraries #booklr #books and reading #booklover #book blog #bookaddict #studyblr #study blog #studyinspo #med studyblr #medical studyblr #study aesthetic #journal #light academia #light aesthetic #notebook

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biscuitdolly · 6 months

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easy hygiene tips ♡

to improve physical appearance , health and hygiene are a must.

water ♡

water. please , for the love of god , drink water. get up rn and go drink some water. water does so much , want clear skin? water. want to lose weight? water. want to feel more refreshed? water. ITS SO HELPFUL!! you really don't want to be dehydrated, it has so many negative effects.

i would aim for around 2 liters (8 full glasses) a day , but you can slowly increase your water intake over the span of a few weeks if you're not ready for that. if you like me and forget to drink , set alarms or reminders for when you need to.

apple cider vinegar ♡

okay , yes, it tastes gross, but it's so good for your PH!! just drink 2 teaspoons everyday (dilute with water first) , trust me it will make your body sweat and kitty smell (and taste) soo much better!! it can also help u lose weight , decrease waist size and is so good for your skin!!

easy oral hygiene ♡

brush your teeth at least 3 times a day. i normally opt for brushing my teeth twice in a row morning and night , and once during the day (yes , even if i'm at school). also , don't forget to floss!! most importantly u wanna b scraping/brushing your tongue, along with brushing your gums and the roof of your mouth!! If you're not brushing regularly and not brushing your tongue, your breath is gonna stink.

another tip - mints > gum. no matter how minty your gum is , if you're chewing it all day it's gonna make your breath smell bad. a sugar-free mint that specialises in good breath every morning helps so much for me.

shower/bath care ♡

please wash behind your ears and your belly button. every part of your body should be clean!!! you don't want build-up.

exfoliate before and after u shave. this will leave u feeling SO smooth and helps avoid razor bumps , if you have sensitive skin (like me) it can help avoid irritation (i get SO itchy and my skin gets covered in red bumps if i don't exfoliate when shaving). personally, i don't suffer from oily skin , but if u do, exfoliating afterwards helps remove any dirt from clogged pores and any residue build-up!

use different clothes depending on what part of your body you're cleaning!! use a softer cloth for your face and kitty , and use regular clothes for the main part of your body and bum. NEVER wash your face in the shower! you want your face to have its own personal time for you to clean it so you can really focus on it. also , hot water from the shower can damage your skin and make it dry. your shower head also probably has a lot of bacteria hiding in it, so please wash your face separately after your shower.

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lottiestudying · 4 months

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11.01.2024—back in my productivity era 🌾🤍🌿🌟

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anglhrtz · 1 month

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⋆ ˚｡⋆౨ৎ˚

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kalki-tarot · 2 months

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Physical appearance of your Future Spouse - mini pac reading ✧˖°.

pick only one picture and allow me to tap into your energy, please.

pile 01

so! Just before pulling out your cards, i channeled an image of the famous singer "Arman malik" , so your fs may look like them if they are a male or they have those features. I also see that your fs may be blonde and they may have a bunny teeth and a significant jawline too ^^

they are young and athletic, they have a great, muscular figure. They seem to work out a lot or they are well involved in sports. They have a well maintained moustache too. They can be tall to medium height.

they have very soft features, very childike and innocent. They have a fresh look to them, neat and clean. They like to maintain hygiene with their body.

pile 02

your fs can be from a foreign or exotic country. they look different from how people usually look in your country, something about their appearance is unique.

im seeing they like wearing baggy clothes, it's just their style that im picking up. they have a silent and mysterious look to them, dark academia vibes is what i feel about them.

they have black curly hair, and may have soft freckles on their face. they are youthful and sensual. they may like showing off their body or sensual features.

pile 03

we have 3 kings straight in a row! They are someone very masculine and dominating. They look VERY masculine! They have fierce and rough features. A well maintained moustache too.

They come from a wealthy and powerful background and it shows in their appearance and style. They like wearing accessories, expensive perfumes and wrist watches.

Their skin color is tan and their hair are straight and brown. They have a strong aura and straightforward look. They are usually expressionless so it's hard to know what's going on in their mind. They look manly.

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