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13uswntimagines · 3 years

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Your Ass Is Out of This World (Kelley x Reader)

Request: alex or kelley or sonnett x reader where they've been dating for a few years R is an astronaut for NASA and she gets to go to space

Author’s Note: Special thanks to @literaryhedgehog cause without her, none of this would have happened.

Kelley wasn’t quite sure how she had ended up standing next to a dive bar sipping a lukewarm beer on a Friday night. In her defense, Ali and Ashlyn had convinced her it would be fun and had promised to pay for the Uber rides both ways. It had been fun for a while, dancing with them to some old 70s songs on the light-up dance floor, but half an hour ago they had disappeared off into a hallway somewhere, and she had no intention of third-wheeling (she knew she should have convinced Alex to join them). But she also wasn’t going to leave without them, because she wasn’t convinced either of them were sober enough to take any kind of transportation safely (someone needed to be there to make sure they didn’t puke in someone’s car).

So here she was, standing by the bar waiting for her friends’ sexcapades to be over, nursing her drink. The clink of a glass settling in front of her caught her attention. She blinked at the bartender. “I didn’t order another one,”

The man’s lips ticked up and he shrugged. “Lady on the end paid for it. Said you looked sad,”

Kelley looked up, following the man’s eyes towards a woman standing a few seats down the bar from her. She was also standing alone but was dressed as though for a different event altogether. Kelley had embraced the 70s theme of the bar slightly, wearing a jumpsuit and a scarf around her head, but this woman had just thrown a white NASA shirt--like the one Kelley got for her little cousin at Target-- over a pair of black jeans. As she bobbed her head to the music she met Kelley’s eyes and smiled.

Kelley took that as her invitation to approach. Kelley’s eyes traced her form, lingering on the white material. She didn’t know those came in adult sizes...

“You must be a star, I can't stop orbiting around you” Kelley smiled charmingly as she approached you, setting her beer on the bar beside you and settling in the seat to the left of yours.

“I do believe I was the one to buy you the drink…” you said, your lips twitching as you tried to keep a serious expression. “Shouldn’t I be the one throwing pickup lines here?”

“You bought me the drink, so I get to be the one to woo you. I’m Kelley, are you from Mars? 'cuz I wanna explore you with curiosity.” Kelley said, wiggling her eyebrows at you, enjoying the light blush coloring your cheeks.

“Oh my god,” you groaned, “that was terrible. I mean really good but absolutely awful.”

“At least I got you to smile, but you still haven’t told me your name.” Kelley laughed, taking a sip of her beer. She was prepared to lay on the horrible pick up lines for your entertainment.

“I’m Y/n,” you said, putting down your drink and holding out your hand, “pleasure.”

“They call me the milky way...Pleasure You Can't Measure,” Kelley smiled, shaking your hand as you laughed and pulling you a little closer “Why look at the moon, if I can’t touch it? Why look at your lips, if I can't kiss them,” she said, winking so you knew she was completely joking.

“How do you know so many of these?” You said, shaking your head in awe. “ All I know off the top of my head is ‘do you work for NASA? Because you’re out of this world!’”

“Ah, a magician never reveals her secrets,” Kelley whispered conspiratoryly, bringing her hand up to cover her lips. “but my team and I have definitely had flirt offs for bonding nights,”

“Your team?”

“Yeah, I play soccer for the US and Washington,” She shrugged as if it wasn’t a huge accomplishment.

Your eyes widened and you nearly spat out your drink. “Didn’t they, like, just win a World Cup?”

“Yeah, No biggie,” Kelley said, side-eyeing you as she took another sip.

“No biggie? I’m surprised you don’t have a swarm of paparazzi shadowing you, that’s incredible! Weren’t the USWNT like the most successful US team in soccer?’

“Hm, there’s not enough drama for them, but we don’t mind. How about you? What do you do beautiful?” Kelley hummed.

“Oh. I work for NASA,” you said, gesturing at the shirt. “I can’t wait to bring some of those lines back to work.”

“What??”

****

“So do they at least give you a good choice of flavors? So you don’t get bored and stuff?” Emily asked from across the table, licking her dripping I cream cone.

When your girlfriend decided to introduce you to the team after their match against Colombia, you were quite surprised she had chosen an ice cream shop as a venue. But with how food motivated the youngins seemed, you realized how appropriate it was.

“I mean,” you said, your spoon suspended in the air as you blinked at Emily, “ice cream isn’t the only thing we will eat. I’m going to be on the station for like 8 months. Ice cream is not a balanced diet.”

“But it’s the only one they sell in the stores. You don’t have to lie cause the veggie lovers are here,” The defender said, leaning across the table, as though it would prevent the rest of the table from hearing her.

“Babe, you literally love most veggies too,” Lindsey rolled her eyes, using her thumb to wipe a spot of chocolate ice cream from Emily’s nose.

“Actually, I heard they’re a pretty good selection of dehydrated fruits and veggies and MRE’s and Tortillas and stuff. Plus I get to take a few things from home…” You mumbled, leaning back.

She couldn’t be serious right? There was no way she thought you were supposed to sustain yourself on horrible freeze-dried dairy products for that long. Not to mention, freeze-dried ‘astronaut’ products for the most part weren’t actually possible to bring to space, with how crumbly they are. You were more likely to eat actual ice cream on the space station (less chance for an errant crumb being inhaled or destroying an important piece of equipment) than that gift shop garbage.

“Oh yeah, MRE sounds way more likely than just eating the stuff they literally label as being for astronauts…” Emily said, rolling her eyes. “What does that even stand for? ‘Must reject Emily?”

You opened your mouth to answer, eyebrows furrowed, only for Kelley to nudge you softly.

“It’s not worth the fight babe, trust me. Not the brightest lighthouse if you know what I mean,” Your girlfriend made a swirling motion with her finger next to her temple.

You leaned in closer so your lips were nearly touching her ear. “She’s not serious right?”

“I never joke about ice cream,” Emily answered seriously.

You blinked at her, looking to your girlfriend who just shrugged and raised her eyebrows.

“I’m, I’m not sure if they have a flavor rotation system for ice cream flavors. We haven’t been… briefed on that yet,” you nodded seriously.

…...

“Can you hear me?” Kelley said, tapping her fingers impatiently as your face appeared in the video call.

“He- -utiful,” You smiled through the glitchy computer screen. Your waving was broken up like a bad claymation. You leaned in to make out the fuzzy figures standing behind your girlfriend, assuming she was at camp or something.

Normal long distance sucked, but literally being off-planet really made things difficult. It wasn’t like Kelley could just text you when she missed you, or randomly call you when she missed you at 3 am. Sure, she could email and you made a tremendous effort to schedule calls once a month, but it was still incredibly difficult (and slightly weird that a NASA tech dude had to monitor each call to make sure the connection stayed up). And sometimes even the best video-calling technology had issues. Like today (when a giant satellite or piece of space trash would block the signal).

“Are you hav- -un at -amp?” You asked, grabbing your floating water pouch pushing out a sip sized water drop.

“Yeah, it’s great,” Kelley said, watching you munch on your water. When you first got on the station you sent her pictures of artwork you made out of different drops of colored water- specifically making a giant water ‘soccer ball’ for her. Then you tried to boop it around and ended up losing control, amusing all your crewmates who watched you trying not to run into too many walls. “We’re looking forward to playing against Brazil on Friday, should be brutal.”

“We’re set to be ov- Florida on -day, so I’ll try and tune into the ga-. Catch a nice - view,” You nodded, wiggling your eyebrows (which looked more like you having a seizure due to how badly you were pixelated).

While Kelley wasn’t entirely sure what you were saying, she went ahead and nodded. “Let me know what you think!”

“Wh- color -it are you w-ing? Y- look -uper s-xy in the -ue,” you said, floating up in a ‘draw me like one of your french girls’ pose.

“You’re favorite one,” Kelley said, winking at you.

“-es!!” You cheered “-ake p-ture -or -“ the screen flickered dangerously for a second. Before a wobbly picture returned.

“Babe you’re breaking up, I can’t tell what you’re saying. Y/n. Are you there? UGh. I love you! We’ll talk soon.”

“-ove y- -oo”

Kelley blew a slow kiss to her camera before she heard a deep voice saying “Sorry ma’am. The connection was lost. Y’all still have five minutes on your scheduled call- Want me to try calling again? See if the signal improves?”

“Yeah,” Kelley shifted, rubbing the bridge of her nose as typing sounds echoed through the speaker. How she was going to make it through four more months of this she had no idea.

“What if like the ship was attacked by aliens or something,” Sonnett whispered from her left, staring at the blank screen with real trepidation.

“Not possible ma’am,” she heard him laugh. “But I doubt I would have the right level of security clearance to know.”

“great.”

Kelley grabbed a pen and marked a day off the calendar hanging on her wall. So much for ‘phone call with Y/n.’ She sighed. Just a few months to go.

****

Gravity fucking sucked. It was disorienting and heavy and made you sick to your stomach. Space station alums always talked about re-entry and how bad that was, but you thought sitting in a NASA hospital bed while your equilibrium readjusted was way worse than your fireball craft plummeting into the ocean.

“This fucking sucks,” You groaned, again throwing your hand over to pull out the IV. You hated how hard it was to move (and how you actually had to hold up a cup of water to get a drink but that was beside the point).

“Whoa babe, I know you’re a little out of it right now, but that has to stay in. Just try and relax for a little while,” Kelley said, grabbing your hand and kissing the back of your knuckles.

You frowned at her through heavy-lidded eyes. “Don’t wanna be here. Wanna be home with you.”

“I know, but you gotta stay here until the re-entry symptoms have worn off a little more,” She said again. She knew that you weren’t going to be 100% when you stepped out of the spacecraft, but she hadn’t expected you to be so out of it. You were sick to your stomach and entirely unable to walk without assistance.

The doctors assured her that you would be fine (residual effects from not being in gravity for so long and the impact of the landing or whatever), but it was still difficult to watch. It didn’t help that you were a horrendous patient.

“Just watch the game. The US is even in Blue,” Kelley tried to coax. Even she was beginning to grow restless. But you couldn’t leave until you could keep down solid foods.

“I don’t want to watch. You’re not in it,” You said, grabbing the remote from her and turning the television off. Then you tried to set the remote in the air, but instead of hovering like it should have done, it dropped to the ground.

“Alright, commander Y/l/n. It’s dinner time,” one of the NASA hospital nurses said, bringing in a tray for you. Kelley thanked them as they left since you were too dazed to think of it.

“God this food sucks, I hate jello ” you grumbled, lifting the spoon in front of your face (fully expecting it to float so you could take your bite) and dropping it as you want to open the pudding packet instead. “I just want a big juicy cheeseburger. With bacon and onions and-“ You trailed off, your mouth watering at the thought. You hadn’t had proper food in 8 months, and it had been your major cravings food.

“A side of diabetes” she scoffed, picking up the discarded remote and spoon, “And are you going to keep dropping things everywhere?” She asked, carefully filling a spoon with chocolate pudding and guiding it to your mouth.

“Fuck Newton. Things are supposed to float,”

****

You loved the soft skin behind Kelley’s ear. It was so smooth, and it always smelt like a mix of her perfume, shampoo, and something inherently Kelley. It was a bonus that your exploration of the area always sent a shiver down her spine. You ran your nose along the skin there, nibbling on her ear before moving down her neck. Leaving little kisses along your path. Kelley sighed, sleepily scratching your scalp and tilting her head to the side to encourage you to continue.

“You,” Kelley said. “ I like you.”

“Hm, I’m glad. It would be kinda scary if you were doing this with someone you didn’t like,” you mumbled against her skin, unwilling to part with it for even a moment. Kelley giggled at the tickling sensation. How you still had so much energy after you had thoroughly worn her out getting… reacquainted she would never know.

“But what do you like most. Tell me, babe,” You said, moving your lips a little lower, towards where her shoulder and neck met.

“I love… your ass. It’s out of this world.” She said sleepily, reaching around to grab her favorite asset of yours.

“Well, it has been,” You laughed, pulling away reluctantly so you could look her in the eyes.

“Shut up you goof,” She rolled her eyes, grabbing a pillow and whacking you lightly. You fell over dramatically, pulling her so she was on top of you.

“Hm, I’m your goof,”

“Yeah. You are. And babe?” She smiled down at you, leaning down to press a kiss to your lips.

“Hmm?” You hummed against her lips. She leaned back to look you in the eyes, one forearm across your chest and her other hand beside your head supporting her.

“No more space travel for a while?”

“Pinky promise,” You said, wiggling your hand so your littlest finger connected with hers.

“Good. I can’t believe I was dating someone from TEXAS for a while.” Kelley pretended to shudder. “Jus think, one of your coworkers might have been a Houston dash supporter!”

#uswnt x reader #uswnt imagine #uswnt imagines #literalhedgehog #kelley o'hara x reader #kelley o'hara imagine

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seaoflittlefires · 3 years

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Still deserve a bit of fun

Summary: After the Battle of Hogwarts, Harry reconnects with Mary Macdonald who tells him about his parents and their group of friends in the '70s. When he hears about their camping trip to Cornwall, he decides to take his friends there, but while Harry is set on having fun and forgetting all about the war, not everyone finds it easy.

This is lots of dialogue, mostly about the golden and silver trio trying to process what happened to them and dealing with the angst of having lost their teenage years to war. It's heavily inspired by MsKingBean89's All the Young dudes; the catalyst for the plot is an exchange between Harry and Mary Macdonald as she is portrayed in the fic.

While this story can be understood without having read ATYD, there are a bunch of easter eggs and parallels that will be better appreciated with it in mind.

Word count: 5.4k

Read on AO3

Prologue

It was the strangest letter Harry had ever received. And of course, he’d had his fair share of mysterious letters. But this one was particularly mind-boggling because the very idea of Mary seemed like an impossibility. A friend of his parents’, a member of their class at Hogwarts, still alive, completely untouched by the war or by the magical world itself.

At first Harry expected to be a bit resentful: Why had this woman not joined them in the fight against Voldemort when she knew first-hand what he was capable of? And also, why hadn’t she ever reached out if she had truly been so close to James and Lily, if she knew so much? Harry felt he could have used a letter like this much sooner. But there was something about Mary’s story that made him instinctively understand where she was coming from: Her friends had died one by one at the hands of Voldemort. She’d been in danger during the wars for being a muggleborn. And even in times of peace, she had felt like a bit of an outsider in a wizarding community that didn’t care to explain much to people whose families weren’t magic, that simple thrust these kids into a new, dangerous world and hoped for the best. And of course, it was a community that, despite its hatred of Voldemort, had nonchalantly allowed the ideology of blood purity to remain a part of daily life even within Hogwarts and often continued to spread it. Harry could most certainly relate to her resentment. And so he’d decided to forgive Mary for everything she hadn’t been able to do, and to enjoy what seemed like an invaluable second chance, especially after the deaths of Sirius and Remus: Here was someone who’d been close to his parents and mentors when they had all been kids. Someone who’d known them long before Harry was even a possibility. He had a million questions, and Mary answered them all.

She had initially reached out a few weeks after the battle of Hogwarts to offer her condolences for Remus, her only remaining friend from the wizarding world. She’d been devastated to hear about his death, but also shocked to know about the role that Harry had played in the war. She remembered him from when he was a baby and she wanted to pass along a few photos she still had from those days. Harry had been elated to know her and to get this account of the first few months of his life.

But as they continued writing to each other, always by muggle post, other things that Mary knew proved to be even more invaluable. She wrote of his parents long before they were his parents, long before they were even together. She wrote about meeting Lily in first year, helping each other navigate the newness of their abilities and their surroundings. She wrote of hours spent talking to her and Marlene, laughing together, helping each other through homework and bullies and unrequited love. She wrote about Remus, who’d first gotten close to them, about his generosity and his talent for teaching, even when he was still a student himself. She wrote about the rivalry with the boys and how it had later morphed into friendship. About the Great Snogging Race, about quidditch, about James and his romantic gestures, about Sirius and his music. She wrote about legendary parties and the pranks, so many pranks. The time they’d made it impossible for purebloods to use slurs by swapping the words for nonsense. The time they’d set off fireworks in the grounds for Remus’s birthday. The time they’d formed an inter-house cooperative to teleport the entire Slytherin common room into the lake. Harry devoured each of her letters with joy.

There was one anecdote that stood out to him, probably because Mary spoke of it with such love and nostalgia: The summer before their seventh year, right before the first war had gotten really ugly, they had all taken a trip to Cornwall. They’d done camping the old-fashioned muggle way and gone to the beach and been silly teenagers. It had been during that trip that Harry’s parents had finally gotten together. He could picture them all laughing by the shore or sitting around a fire. He could see Sirius’s cheeky grin and Remus’s eyes sparkling mischievously and his parents, the way they were in the pictures Mary sent. Happy. Carefree. Young.

When he proposed the idea to Ginny, she was thrilled. Hermione took come convincing but Ron helped her come around and Neville proved easy once he knew that Luna was going. They set off at the end of July, apparating into the campsite with muggle tents and equipment. The weather was perfect and they quickly found a spot within the site. As they unpacked, Harry looked around him and sighed. This was exactly like he had pictured it. He was ready to begin again.

Chapter 1

They’d brought two tents, one for the boys and one for the girls, which they began to assemble at their spot in the camping site. At first they tried the muggle way but Neville almost poked someone’s eye out with a pole and Luna got trapped inside one of the tents while trying to raise it. After about fifteen minutes of this, Ron and Hermione took over and, after quickly verifying that nobody was looking, everyone also began to use spells to help get it all done.

Luna grabbed her wand, but instead of helping Ginny assemble the poles, she began to murmur an enchantment that none of them found familiar.

“What are you doing?” Asked Ron, curious but well-meaning. After everything, he’d learned to trust Luna’s strange but wise ways.

“Chizpurfle defense charm. They’re attracted to magical objects and they chew at them. Especially when there isn’t lots of magical energy around, they can be vicious. We must be a beacon for them right now…”

“Oh yes, I’ve read about those,” Hermione replied as soon as she was finished lifting the girls’ tent with a flick of her wand.

“Sorry I can’t be of any help,” said Neville. “You both are so good at this and I’m so clumsy…”

“Don’t worry mate, this is actually very difficult,” replied Ron as he hammered in the pegs.

“It really is. Seriously, it isn’t your fault, we just got a doctorate in tent-building last year.”

“I wish so badly I could have gone with you guys. I could have helped. Besides, I bet you could have used the company,” said Ginny, looking up towards Hermione from the poles she was assembling.

“You guys barely talk about that time,” added Neville. “I mean, you explained what you discovered, and all the strategic stuff, but I bet it must have been quite horrible, being on your own with so much danger…”

“Well, it did get a bit lonely,” Hermione said after a pause. It was true, they’d barely talked about that time, and it had been taxing for all three of them. But so much had happened since, so much that seemed bigger and scarier and just worse, that it had barely felt worth it. “We missed our families a lot, especially…” Ron walked toward Hermione and put his hand gently on her shoulder. Hermione had spent a long time explaining everything to her parents after their memory spells had been reversed, but they still weren’t the same and she felt guilty, despite knowing it had been the right choice. “It felt awful, being away from you all. We didn’t know whether we’d ever see you again, and it felt… it was just hard to put on a brave face and be logical all the bloody time when sometimes you just wanted to curl into someone’s arms and be held.”

“Well at least that’s over now,” chimed in Harry, quickly, almost too quickly. “No one has to be brave anymore.” He seemed to be lost in thought for a second. “Except for you, Weasley,” he exclaimed then, grabbing a broom from the already finished boys’ tent. “Let’s find a spot with no muggles at the beach so I can kick your arse in a race!”

“Alright, we’ll see about that,” said Ron, grabbing his own broom and getting ready to follow. He and Hermione shared a look and he shrugged. That hadn’t seemed much like Harry, but the black-haired boy was already halfway to the beach and, after all, Ron was never one to turn down a challenge. “Are you guys coming?” Ginny and Neville nodded.

“I’ll stay behind for a bit to finish up these charms,” said Luna, who was busy walking in circles around the girls’ tent while waving her wand.

“Are you… are you sure that’s necessary?” Asked Ginny.

“You will be thankful when Billywigs aren’t stinging you in your sleep. They can cause grown humans to levitate, did you know?”

“Alright, I suppose it can’t hurt,” said Hermione, who had just emerged from her tent carrying a book.

“Work?” Ron rolled her eyes at her.

“Beach read. ”

“Let’s go then.”

***

They were lying in the sand under the warm sun. All six of them were in their bathing suits but only Luna had been courageous enough to brave the freezing water yet. She was performing a drying spell on her dripping hair when Ron spoke:

“I could lie here all day. Weather’s perfect.”

“Yeah, it’s so peaceful. Quiet too, I thought we’d have to be more careful because of the muggles.” Ginny spoke as she turned to lie on her stomach.

“We picked a great spot,” Harry agreed. “Mary said there’s a castle ruin a few miles from here, we could go at some point.”

He got a mostly enthusiastic response but a groan from Ron: “You can go and come back to pick me up in a week, I’ll still be lying here.”

“No you won’t. You agreed to go check on mum in like…” Ginny sat up and looked at her watch. “Twenty minutes.”

“Is anything the matter?” Asked Luna.

“Nah, we just haven’t left home much since… Since Fred,” explained Ron. “We promised we’d keep in touch. And someone got me to agree to do it the first time.”

“Because someone insisted I carry all the camping equipment.” Ginny’s rebuttal was quick and it got a smile from everyone but Harry whose eyes were fixed on the horizon. He didn’t know how but the war kept slipping into every conversation. It bothered him. No matter how far he went, he never seemed to be able to escape the smothering presence of all he’d lost.

“We really did need a holiday, eh?” He addressed Ron in an effort to steer the conversation away, back towards his best friend’s love of relaxation.

“Yeah we did. I still have no clue what I’m supposed to do now, like… Work? I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up and now I guess… I am grown up. And I still don’t know what I am.”

“Well, you don’t have to be just one thing. No one ever is! You can just try out many fields of work and see which one suits you,” replied Hermione. “I plan to get a few internships in the fall in order to do that. Mostly at different ministry departments, maybe International Magical Cooperation, or the Committee on Experimental Charms…”

“Yeah well, that’s all very well and good when you’ve got loads of paths to pick from,” said Ron, “but I don’t even know where to start.”

This was good, Harry thought. Thinking of the future. Thinking of work. These were problems that everyone dealt with at this age, right? Nothing to do with the war or death. Besides, the idea that there could be a future in itself was more than they’d had for so long. Harry had no clue what he wanted to do with his, but he knew better than to view that choice as a problem.

“I don’t really know if I’m ready to work yet…” Neville said suddenly. He sat up over his towel.

“Well, that’s perfectly understandable too, you could continue your studies if you want. It might actually do us all good, after all, we pretty much skipped our N.E.W.T.S.” Hermione’s face was almost wistful as she mentioned exams.

“Well, sure, but… I don’t mean that. I mean… Every so often I get filled with so much rage. Ever since May it all just… feels so pointless. Even here, right now, with you guys, you’re all talking about feeling so relaxed and I… I haven’t been able to truly be anywhere fully in a long time. Part of me is always reliving it. And I don’t know if it’s a good idea for me to just… jump back in.” Everyone nodded. They knew it was true, and they felt it as well.

“I might travel for a while after my seventh year,” Luna mused. “It’s always been my dream to see a Runespoor in person…”

“Gory,” replied Ron with a smirk. “But I applaud your bravery. And as for you Neville, take all the time you need, mate. We’re all knackered. It’s a wonder we can go about our days at all…”

“Hey, did you know Sirius and Remus were a couple?” Harry exclaimed suddenly. That got everyone’s attention. For a few seconds, nobody spoke.

“Seriously?! Oh my, that makes so much sense!” Hermione was ecstatic, as she usually was when she learned something that helped her crack a puzzle.

“Okay, I am now second-guessing my entire existence,” said Ron. His face was a study in confusion.

“Professor Lupin? Why did I need to know that?” Neville looked utterly flustered.

“They do make one hell of a great-looking couple,” said Ginny with a smirk, and to her delight, Luna nodded at her. But her expression suddenly changed and a few seconds later she added: “did… made… Sorry.”

“How did you even find out about this?” Hermione turned her attention back to Harry. She gasped. “Did Mary tell you?”

“Well… Not exactly. She didn’t say it outright; I suppose she didn’t think it was her story to tell but… The way she talks about them in her letters… She refers to them as a unit. Same way she talks about my parents. I guess it just… made me re-examine some stuff.”

“Of course it did,” said Neville. “When you have limited memories of someone, every new fact you learn about them makes you understand everything in a whole new light. I know how that…”

“Well, yeah, but this isn’t really about that.” Harry’s expression had suddenly turned serious. He didn’t know what had compelled him to share this suspicion with his friends so suddenly, or to state it as if it was fact. He’d been thinking about it a lot since reading Mary’s letters but he’d thought of asking her before telling other people. It felt a bit like a betrayal. What was wrong with him? He was distracted by Ron who was looking at Luna quizzically.

“Why aren’t you more surprised?” He asked her. “I don’t mean to be a prude or anything but… This is huge”

“Oh, I already kind of figured they were together,” said Luna in that singsong, nonchalant way of hers. Five pair of eyes were suddenly upon her.

“How did you know? They never said anything, they never, like, kissed in public! Plus, you barely even saw them together before Sirius…” Harry was worried. Had this been an obvious thing the entire time? Had he never seen these two people properly despite considering them family?

“Love is spoken in many ways. Different people express it differently. Just because someone isn’t speaking your love language doesn’t mean they aren’t saying it.”

“That’s very wise, Luna,” said Hermione smiling.

“What does it even mean?” Asked Ron.

“I saw the way they looked at each other. My parents used to do that. They weren’t ones for words but love was in their every touch and stare. And when they moved they seemed like pieces of a single body. That’s how Sirius and Remus were that night at the ministry, and I didn’t know them before then so I just assumed it was a thing the rest of you knew. When Sirius passed through the veil, I saw Remus’s face change. He went with him.”

“I’m going in the sea, who’s coming?” Harry was suddenly up, his body coursing with energy. He practically ran into the water without waiting for an answer.

Chapter 2

Harry had lit the fire using magic, but he was still building up the flame the muggle way. They’d split up in order to get dinner and take turns showering at the camp facilities. They were nowhere near as nice as the bathrooms at Hogwarts but a few charms had helped make them warmer. Now, they sat roasting marshmallows in the fire as they listened to music on Hermione’s Discman. She’d charmed her CDs so they could each hold dozens of albums and so that they could play songs in multiple random orders She could also use her wand to control the volume from afar. The only problem was, Hermione hated current music. Even after all these years, she was still a bit of a snob when it came to art, preferring obscure bands from ten or twenty years before. As a result, they’d been listening to a lot of Bowie since they’d arrived.

“…And then, my grandma told me I wasn’t allowed any pets until I was 18, except for something truly harmless. And even Trevor I ended up losing at the lake eventually.” Neville was telling the story of how he’d ended up with a toad, a rather unusual pet even for a Hogwarts student.

“Yeah, well, at least your harmless pet did not turn out to be an escaped murderer!” Said Ron, who had still never quite gotten over the shock of Scabbers’s true identity. As usual, he got a laugh from everyone. However, Harry couldn’t help but notice that even these conversations were always restrained. He could not remember the last time he’d laughed to tears, laughed truly, even at one of Ron’s comments. Still, his friend had the ability to cheer people up, even in the darkest of times.

“Hey, you could ask George if he needs help at the shop, you know?” He said to him. “I bet you could be really good at that. Coming up with artifacts, selling to customers especially…”

“Yeah, mate, maybe I’ll try that…” Ron was deep in thought for a few seconds. “George hasn’t really been the same since he lost Fred. Perhaps he could use that.” And just like that, Harry thought, he’d burst the bubble. Again.

“I’m having the best time,” said Hermione, who’d been listening attentively to one of Luna’s stories. “I think we all really needed this, thanks for forcing me to come.”

“Anytime,” Ginny winked at her.

“Always a pleasure to bicker with you about anything,” said Ron.

“Seriously though, I really love you lot. I don’t know that I tell you that enough.” Hermione put one arm around Harry and another around Ginny, both sitting beside her.

“Yeah, me too,” added the redhead. “I’m so grateful we’re all still together. You’ve made everything seem… I don’t know, worth it.”

Harry was about to say something about the marshmallows definitely being worth it when he saw that Luna’s eyes were watery.

“What’s wrong?” Asked Neville.

“I just… I love you guys so much,” Luna said as tears fell down her cheek. “When I was held at Malfoy Manor last year and my father… He was so selfish. I thought that you would never forgive me. And I’d never had any real friends before I met you all and I was already resigned to losing you… I was grateful that at least I’d known what it felt like, you know? To be a part of something truly special…” Hermione leaned over Ginny and squeezed her hand. “And yet you guys did forgive me,” Luna continued, “and you kept me around after the battle was over; you made me feel like I hadn’t just been useful, like I was…” She trailed off as Ginny enveloped her in a hug.

“Luna, you’re always going to have us at your side,” Neville reassured her. “Everything that happened… It forged a bond you cannot break. It’ll always keep us together.”

“I just wish it didn’t seem like the only thing keeping us together…” Harry hadn’t meant to say it out loud, but the moment he did, he felt strangely lighter. However, this relief didn’t last long.

“What did you just say?” Ginny asked, suddenly looking away from Luna and towards her boyfriend with a stern expression.

“I said,” Harry raised his voice a bit, emboldened, “that it would be really bloody great if you all could stop talking about the war for a minute. The whole point of this trip was to have fun and be normal, just like people were before the war! Can’t we have one single conversation that isn’t about how awful it all is?!”

“No, we can’t, you nitwit!” Ginny yelled. “You’ve been acting like a prat and ignoring people’s feelings all day, but in case you haven’t noticed, things have been awful! I lost a brother! And I miss him so much, I…” Ginny’s voice broke and she stopped talking.

“I know you do,” said Harry regretfully. “I just thought if we could all leave we’d…”

“Running won’t fix things. It never does. Sometimes you just have to keep living right next to the bad.” And with that, Ginny stood up. “Come on, Luna, let’s get you a glass of water,” she said to her friend, who was still crying softly.

“I’ll… uuuh… I’ll go with you!” Neville practically leapt out of his seat and the three of them began to walk quickly towards the camp facilities.

Harry sighed. Just like that, it was him, Ron and Hermione left, just like it had been a year ago. Actually, it had been less than a full year, but it still felt like a lifetime. More than Harry had ever wanted to spend in the presence of so much sorrow.

“So I screwed that up,” he said as Ron moved over to sit next to him and Hermione.

“You kind of did, not going to lie…” Said Ron. “But I get where you’re coming from. Honestly, I needed a break from my house too. It’s why I wanted to come so bad.”

Harry nodded. He’d never realized, but it must have been taking a toll on Ron to keep being so cheerful and sarcastic while he himself was dealing with so much. Harry supposed it was his way of deflecting things. At least Ron’s way made people feel better, he thought, as opposed to his.

“Look,” said Hermione, putting an arm around him. “Healing takes time. You can’t expect people to act normally after what happened and you shouldn’t expect that of yourself either. It’s okay if it’s all we can talk about for a bit. Merlin knows it’s enough to fill plenty of history books, it needs processing.”

“I’ve just lost so much time to… processing,” Harry said. “I’m turning eighteen soon, you guys already have. And yet I can count on one hand the adventures we’ve had together that didn’t somehow involve solving some mystery or fighting some evil threat. And…” He sighed. He couldn’t stop thinking about Mary’s letters, all the anecdotes she’d shared about his parents and their friends. “I guess I just want a bit of normal life, you know? And even now that everything’s supposed to be over, even though this whole thing was meant to give us all a chance to live happily… I’m not sure we’ll ever get there.”

“I know we will, mate,” said Ron. “I mean, my parents did, after the first war. Mum lost both her brothers and she still had enough faith to raise all of us. She knew things could be better. They all did.”

“Mary didn’t,” replied Harry. He hadn’t known he was thinking about it until he said it. But it was true. In the end, perhaps, she had made the right choice. Going away. Forgetting that it all even existed. Getting married and having a kid and living a normal, happy, uneventful life.

“But we proved her wrong, didn’t we?” Hermione interjected. “I mean, she wrote to you because she was impressed. Because she was proud and she believed in what you did. And I promise you it will have been worth it. You’ll see.”

Harry nodded. He knew that everything they’d done had been important. He’d seen how much of a difference it had made to thousands of people. He just hadn’t ever been so conscious of what it had cost him before: “Do you think we’ll ever get to just be regular teenagers?” He asked Hermione.

She was silent for a few moments, clearly wanting to give Harry an answer that she truly believed in, instead of some bland reassurance. After a while, she spoke: “Honestly? I have no idea. We still are a little bit broken…”

“Yeah, some of us especially,” chimed in Ron, glancing sideways at Hermione. She elbowed him and he shrugged, as if to say “I’ve earned that”. Hermione laughed. “You see?” She looked at Harry. “There you go. We’ve still got a long way to go until we reach normal. But in the meantime, we still deserve a bit of fun”.

Harry didn’t know how, but Hermione’s words were always just right, like they were the echo of something he’d always known. He hugged both of his friends.

“I’ll apologize to the others in a bit. I think I’d better take a walk and gather my thoughts first,” he told them, as he headed towards the beach.

Chapter 3

The sound of the waves was deafening as Ginny walked out onto the beach. She spotted Harry but didn’t quicken her pace. Instead, she watched him think for a few moments longer. She knew why he’d picked this place to cool off. The noise. It would be a long time before Harry could stand the quiet again.

“Sorry I snapped,” she said when she finally reached him, resting her chin on his shoulder.

“Back at you,” he replied. They stood like this for a few moments. Ginny waited. She felt the words building up inside him. Of course, she was right. Eventually Harry spoke: “I just didn’t know I felt like that. Not until Mary.”

“You speak a lot about her letters,” Ginny nodded. “You clearly needed them.”

“I did. You see, everybody talks so much about how my parents died. I know all about how brave they were fighting against Voldemort, and how much they had to sacrifice during the last few months of their lives… I know everything about how they died. And I’m grateful for it; it’s obviously better than knowing nothing… But until recently I barely knew anything about how they lived. What kind of students they’d been at Hogwarts, what kind of friends. What subjects they’d liked or been good at, what foods they loved the most at the Great Hall. What they fought about, how they became friends with all these people, what all of the Marauders’ pranks were like… Mary made me realize that. And once I did, it was impossible not to notice the same thing happening to us. We’ve lost so much time already. So much of our lives has been about this bloody war, and I don’t want it to be the only story we can tell about our teenage years. Already it feels like I’ll never be able to outlive it publicly and so with my friends I just want… I don’t know. I guess if this is what we are remembered by, if this is how we remember ourselves and our loved ones, just for what we lost, it’s a kind of victory for him.”

Ginny sighed. “I know. And I agree with you. We deserve time to be teenagers. We deserve to talk about silly things and have silly competitions and listen to happy music that isn’t Hermione’s melancholy crap,” she took Harry’s hand between hers, “and we deserve time to figure out what this is without any pressure. But that’s the thing: We can do that. Your parents didn’t have that luxury. They had to cram as much life as they could into very little time and figure out how to be kids and teenagers and grownups all at once, am I right?”

“Yeah,” said Harry. “I keep wondering how on earth they were ready to be married at our age.”

“See, that’s the thing, they probably weren’t. But they had to. We don’t. We’ve earned our right to take things slowly, we have all the time in the world. But we cannot skip the grieving part. As much as we all want to forget that all of this ever happened because it hurts like hell to know it did, trust, me, the only way out is through. Otherwise you end up living with a lot of ghosts…”

“You’re right.” Harry put his arms around her. He knew exactly what Ginny meant. And he knew he didn’t want that. Because despite everything, possibly even because of it, he felt like the future held good things in store for them. “I’m really sorry, Ginny,” he whispered. “For everything you’ve lost.”

“Me too. And I don’t think you’re told that nearly enough.”

***

After a while they began to walk hand in hand back towards the camping site.

As they got closer, they realized the fire was still lit, and there was a lone figure sitting beside it. They thought it might be Luna, still up performing more charms of protection against various magical creatures, but when they arrived they saw it was actually Neville. He was all but falling asleep while sitting down, shaking himself awake every few seconds and then immediately beginning to close his eyes again. Hermione’s Discman was still on, playing another Bowie song, but Hermione herself was nowhere to be seen. Very unlike her, Harry thought, to forget something out in the open. He turned towards his half-awake friend.

“Hiya Neville, what’s up?” He nudged him awake. “Really sorry about before, by the way, I was a proper arse. If you ever need to talk…”

“Okay, sure, I’m just really tired right now…” Neville said, his eyes already beginning to close again, his head falling.

“Why won’t you go to bed then?” asked Harry, pointing to the tent.

“Well, I want to, and Luna’s already gone in her tent but I… The boy’s tent is… I can’t go because you see…” Neville smirked and pointed awkwardly in its general direction. The tent was still and quiet. Too quiet. It only took Harry a few seconds to realize that numerous silencing charms had been placed upon it.

“Wait, is Hermione in there with Ron?!” Asked Ginny, eyeing Neville conspiratorially.

“Uuuuh yeah they are… They’re in there doing… I can’t get in because they’re both in there being…” Neville’s face looked Gryffindor red and he could not stop fidgeting with his hands. “They’re doing…”

“They’re having hot sex, that’s what you mean to say” Ginny cut him off with a deadpan expression. Harry snorted. And just like that, something in him broke. He began to laugh. He laughed so hard he almost felt tearful and Ginny joined him. Neville made a noise somewhere between a gag and a cry for mercy as they both fell down to the floor in hysterics and within a few seconds he had started giggling nervously as well.

They stayed that way until Hermione came out of the tent in tiptoes and almost had a fit upon seeing them all outside. They just stayed and kept laughing. Just a group of teenagers with so much love for each other, at once idiotic and wise beyond their years, laughing about sex and making fun of each other at a time when it seemed impossible that anything could be fun. And although Harry didn’t know this (because, despite her usual style, Mary had taken care not to be that explicit in her letters), this was exactly what it had been like twenty years before.

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jess-rewatches-prodigalson · 3 years

Text

Exit Strategy (S2, E10)

My time-stamped thoughts for this episode are below. As always I reference Malcolm’s mental health. A lot. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading.

SPOILERS AHEAD:

0:40 - Oh it’s Capshaw’s dream. Well. That’s upsetting.

1:10 - .....she was performing surgery on herself?!!? WTF?

1:37 - The fact that Jessica broke into her adult child’s home to steal Martin memorabilia is hilarious to me. Also deeply upsetting. Because - dysfunctional.

1:40 - “In my loft? Where I live?” hahahahahahaha sassy!Malcolm for the win! Also - there is something so so cute about the way Tom delivers this line. <3 It’s precious.

1:46 - “I don’t always wake up screaming.” ....so historically we know this is true. Malcolm didn’t wake up screaming at the beginning of 1x15 when Eve was in his loft....but still... Malcolm’s mental health has been in tatters. I find it highly unlikely that he wouldn’t be waking up screaming. Especially since he was hallucinating last episode!!!!

1:55 - The Never. Ever. Room?!?!?! I’m shook. I’m amused. I’m horrified. I can’t believe that Jessica would let Malcolm keep that stuff in his loft. Why isn’t it locked up in a storage container or something? Jessica let Malcolm - the boy that Martin traumatized - sleep in the same building as all of Martin’s belongings?!?! Nah. Jessica is so overbearing .... I just don’t buy it.

2:21 - “I am ignoring the Surgeon altogether.” Awww look at how proud Malcolm is to tell Jessica about his serial killer cleanse. He’s like, “I finally have news that will make Mom happy!!” <3 <3 Precious.

2:36 - “He’s been calling. Non-stop.” annnnnnnd there’s are sad profiler. He’s putting on a good act for Jessica but he’s still clearly in a lot of emotional pain.

3:15 - Really? The writers have Jessica riding the Brightwell train now? For real? I’m here for it but it feels kind of fast? Forced? Out of left field? I mean Jessica’s totally the type of mom who meddles in her kid’s love life (remember Eve?) but in the middle of the whole Ainsley-Endicott fiasco? Jessica should be more concerned about Malcolm’s mental state and less concerned with his relationship status.

3:17 - Did Malcolm really just admit (sort of abstractly, but still) that he’s interested in Dani romantically? Doesn’t he realize that Jessica will try to interfere?!? He’s basically given her his blessing!!!

3:25 - awwwww....the pic of baby!Malcolm and baby!Ainsley is so cute. <3

3:40 - UGH. I want to know more about that key and what it unlocks so badly!!!

3:46 - “Oh great. Detective Mom.” <3 I love it when he calls Jessica “Mom” instead of “Mother”. <3

4:36 - ......Mr.David and Martin have such an interesting dynamic. Martin listens to Mr. David without showing any signs of anger, resentment, or his usual psychopathic manipulation. Mr. David controls Martin much the way a parent controls their well-behaved child. I just find it so fascinating that Martin treats Mr. David with respect. That’s not Martin’s usual reaction when things don’t go his way.

5:00 - I’m so happy we keep getting more screen time with Hector. <3 This dude’s great.

6:05 - soooo the fact that Jessica stabbed Daryl in the neck is probably going to inhibit Daryl’s ability to speak right? Making Daryl a useless source of information regarding the breakout?

6:24 - I love everything about this scene with Gil’s new car. I love that Malcolm’s “wow, the Coronet’s looking good.” is said with this little smile. As though Malcolm doesn’t really care about the car, but he knows mentioning it will make Gil happy. I love Gil’s rant about “No more Whitly’s around my car.” and Gil’s glare when JT asks about Tarmel’s around the car. I love Dani’s “boys and toys” line. UGh. It was just the little dose of found family that I craved. <3 BUT I do have one small complaint/concern. Gil. He said, “No more Whitly’s around my car.” Whitly’s. Why did he refer to Malcolm as a Whitly?

6:54 - “Some major Japan-y vibes.”.....I’m sorry the word you’re looking for is “Japanese”?!?! Anyone else get super distracted by this line?!?

7:56 - “Old people” HA. OMG. I love this so much. <3 <3

9:11 - As someone with severe social and general anxiety that has at times bordered on a form agoraphobia - Dani’s dismissive tone when she says “he’s afraid to leave the house.” hurts. Especially since it feels really out of character for Dani. She doesn’t usually dismiss people so quickly. Maybe there’s a story there? She had an agoraphobic family member?

10:14 - “NYPD. Adjacent.” Why isn’t Malcolm a member of the NYPD yet? He trained with the FBI. He’s clearly capable of being employed as a detective for the NYPD. Is it because he doesn’t want to carry a gun? Is it because Gil doesn’t want Malcolm to carry a gun? Is it bureaucracy (probably)?

10:44 - Malcolm explaining why the antique pistol won’t fire is adorable.

10:57 - This dude hasn’t left the house since March of 1997. Martin was arrested in 1998. Is this supposed to have some sort of double meaning? Like maybe Malcolm discovered that Martin was killing people in 1997 but the chloroform confused him for a while and he didn’t call the cops until 98′? Is this supposed to be a metaphor for the fact that Malcolm hasn’t been truly alive since 1997? He’s just been in survival mode - he hasn’t been living.

11:22 - “I’m not too good around people.” This dude is Malcolm. Malcolm lives in a state of constant fear and anxiety. Malcolm isn’t so good with relationships or casual human interactions.

11:30 - It makes perfect sense to me that Dani is the detective that Malcolm brings in to talk to Gerald. Forget the Brightwell agenda. Gerald is a scared old man. JT and Gil are authoritative men (they’re teddy bears but they can also be scary). Dani is a woman. Women are typically seen as less of a threat. Though Dani could totally kick just about anyone’s ass. But it makes sense to me that a scared witness would feel more comfortable around the smaller female detective than the large male ones.

12:03 - Ugh. I feel so bad for Gerald. The dude is clearly experiencing some sensory overload on top of his anxiety. :(

12:15 - hahahaha the absolute best part of this little Brightwell moment is Gerald’s reaction. This old man just connected the dots and you can see it ALL over his face. ....but also, it’s a really cute moment. <3

12:38 - “Too late if you ask me.” Is it just me or does Gerald seem protective of Rosalie here? Almost paternal?

13:03 - “You still think like a grand master” Is this supposed to be an illusion to the way that Malcolm thinks about cases? He thinks like the killer in order to solve the case?

13:13 - WHY DOES MALCOLM KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT A CHESS LEGEND FROM THE 70s and 80s?!? Did baby!Malcolm have a chess phase? I want details.

13:22 - I love Gerald. He’s such a cute little old man. He’s scared but you can tell that he has a good heart and that he’s extremely smart. Look at how impressed he is with Malcolm. <3 He’s a lot like Malcolm.

13:27 -”Memory was always my gift.” Memory is Gerald’s gift but it’s been Malcolm’s curse.

15:04 - Malcolm is so close to snapping. Look at this poor boy. He’s at the end of his rope. :(

15:14 - “Looks like you got some sleep.” Awwww proud!Gil <3

15:40 - “Agoraphobia often comes from trauma.” Yep. Malcolm identifies with Gerald. I wonder if Malcolm ever went through a period of agoraphobia? Maybe as a teen?

15:48 - .....is this foreshadowing? When the truth about Endicott comes out is Malcolm going to be deemed an ‘unreliable witness’? Or maybe that’s how Ainsley is going to try and pin the murder on Malcolm?

15:58 - annnnnd we finally got a good shot of concerned!Gil. There’s no way that Gil isn’t reading between the lines here. He knows Malcolm identifies with Gerald and he knows Malcolm is having issues with his mental health, identity, and self-worth. SOMEONE CONFRONT HIM. WHERE IS THE MALCOLM INTERVENTION?!!?

16:20 - “Are you alright? Don’t answer that.”.....because Martin doesn’t actually care about Malcolm’s mental or physical health. Martin is a narcissist who has a story to tell.

16:27 - “No. Me first.” I’m. So. Proud. Of. Malcolm. <3 <3

16:56 - “That felt good.” :) Awwww... <3 I’m proud of Malcolm for this but Martin is totally going to hold it against him in later episodes. It’s going to fuel some sort of anger. Just wait for it.

17:05 - Again. Mr. David acts like Martin’s dad. If Martin were 8 years old.

17:40 - Chrisitan Brole is a treasure. His acting is incredible. Friar Pete is creepy, likeable, funny, and terrifying. Honestly. Give him an Emmy.

20:00 - “*sigh* kid.” This breaks my heart. You can see Gil’s doubt and concern all over his face. He’s doubting Malcolm’s ability to make an accurate profile of Gerald because he knows how much Malcolm identifies and sympathizes with Gerald. He’s concerned about Malcolm because....I mean have you seen him lately? The boy is spiralling and it hurts to watch. But Gil is scared for Malcolm right now. Gil is now worried that the cases aren’t enough to distract Malcolm. That Malcolm can’t work on cases anymore. That Malcolm’s mental health has compromised his ability to work effectively.

20:50 - “We’re friends. Partners” Listen to the longing in Malcolm’s voice when he says “partners”. He wants to be romantic partners with Dani - not just work partners. It’s obvious. This boy is an open book when it comes to how he feels about Dani.

21:08 - “And she never will.” there is something about the way Tom delivers this line. How he sort of trips over the words. I can’t tell if it’s intentional or not but it works. It somehow makes it more raw and emotional. Malcolm wants so so badly to tell Dani how he feels but he’s convinced that he’s a monster. That she deserves someone more stable than him. Someone with less trauma. Malcolm is convinced that he’s not safe for anyone to love. Malcolm is convinced he’s going to snap and become Martin.

21:17 - “Sounds lonely.” I love the way Malcolm immediately dismisses this as ‘tactical empathy’. Malcolm has accepted that he will be alone forever. He’s convinced himself he deserves it. I’m willing to bet that Malcolm rarely (if ever) actually feels lonely. Between coping mechanisms, hallucinations, and trauma - I doubt his mind is ever quiet enough for him to notice loneliness.

21:27 - “You’ve spent your life mastering a game. I’ve spent mine mastering how people think.” .....ok but chess is basically about predicting your opponents moves and then Gerald graduated to people watching soooooo they’re really not that different.

22:06 - I love this. I love how Malcolm turns on Gerald only for Gerald to emphatically explain how he lives through that window. Because - isn’t Malcolm the same? How many people have accused Malcolm of being a murderer when really he’s just a man who only feels alive when he’s solving murders and putting away killers?

22:50 - Rosalie helped Gerald much like Dani helps Malcolm. But Gerald couldn’t help Rosalie because he was trapped in his trauma. .....sooooo what’s going to happen to Dani? Or is this just supposed to be a reference to the fact that Dani can’t trust Malcolm because he’s keeping Endicott a secret and she knows something is up?

22:51 - ummmmm 60bpm??!?!? That’s a borderline athletic resting heart rate for a man in his 50s. There’s no way Martin’s in that great of shape. He’s trapped in his cell most of the day.

24:28 - oooookkkkkayyyy so maybe Capshaw isn’t as smart as I thought she was. Martin is playing her like a fiddle. Although that dream sequence from the intro did make it seem like she was only interested in Martin because she craved medical power and respect.

25:22 - Martin didn’t call Jessica his wife to screw with Capshaw. He genuinely still thinks of Jessica as his wife.....this is not good for the future. This tracks with the dreams Martin’s had throughout this season of going back home to his family.��

25:44 - Oh yeah. Jessica knows that woman is into Martin.

26:41 - “Isn’t it obvious? It’s the key to my heart.” LMAO holy shit.

26:56 - “I can tell when you’re lying.” “Not historically.”......Martin has a point.

28:27 - This counts as my “someone confronts Malcolm about his mental health” bingo square for the episode right?

28:35 - Look at Gil. He knows Malcolm is lying through his teeth and he’s so so tired of it. He looks so sad and annoyed. Gil loves Malcolm so much and he’s clearly concerned about Malcolm but I honestly think Gil just feels helpless right now. Malcolm is spiralling and Gil can’t help because Malcolm won’t open up.

29:15 - “When she didn’t give up Clayton he killed her. Brave girl.”.....does this mean there’s going to be an attempt on someone’s life this season? Maybe Martin tries to kill Ainsley because she’s going to pin Endicott’s murder on Malcolm? Or Malcolm tries to kill Ainsley because she doesn’t give up Martin’s location? Or Ainsley/Martin try to kill Malcolm because he tries to come clean about everything?

29:26 - “If anyone can get through to this guy it’s you.” THANK YOU. Malcolm really needed that assurance. This dude is so full of negative emotions, self doubt, and pain. Every moment he feels supported, believed in, or loved is immensely treasured.

30:26 - Oh Capshaw. You dumb dumb dumb woman. Look at Martin’s face. Capshaw has freed a monster. That’s Martin’s “I’m a raging serial killer” expression.

30:29 - Holy shit. Look at how quickly Martin put the “I’m a harmless doctor” mask. In the span of about 1 second he went from killer to angel. Michael Sheen is incredible.

31:04 - “You don’t have to be trapped in here.” It breaks my heart to hear Malcolm encourage Gerald to break free from his trauma when Malcolm is still a prisoner to his own.

31:10 - “This is your next move” “No. It’s not”. THIS. This sums up anxiety disorders. Everyone tells you to ‘move on’ or ‘take a deep breath’. They all tell you that ‘everything will be fine’. They ask you ‘what’s the worst thing that could happen.” The problem: most people with anxiety disorders know the majority of their fears (or at least the severity of them) is irrational. Most people with anxiety disorders have tried therapy, drugs, coping mechanisms, breathing techniques, ect. Anxiety doesn’t go away because you want it to. Telling someone to move on - just makes it worse. Especially someone who has lived with severe anxiety so long that it feels like a crucial part of their personality. I’ve had a severe anxiety disorder for as long as I can remember - I don’t want to heal. I don’t know who I’d be without severe anxiety. I’m scared to find out.

32:10 - “Family comes first”........soooo is Martin escaping to groom Ainsley for the family business (murder)? For Malcolm (to save him from Ainsley)? To protect Malcolm from a new Surgeon related skeleton (akin to Endicott)? WHY?

32:33 - ahhhh Papa!Gil. I’ve missed you.

33:25 - I have this headcannon that baby!Malcolm had pet rats at some point (he’d had snakes so I feel like rats would be in his wheelhouse). One day while Malcolm was at school the rats escaped from their cage and scared the crap out of Jessica. Jessica demands that the rats be removed from the home. That’s it. That’s the scene that plays in my head.

33:39 -.....Jessica is wearing a ring on her left ring finger. Why?

34:03 - “Jess it’s good to hear from you but -” They’re dating again now. Right? <3

34:06 - “What?!” Fear and confusion. That’s the look on Gil’s face. We love to see it.

34:25 - “Martin is escaping.” Look at Gil’s face. He’s terrified. He’s staying calm and acting like he’s in control but this dude is terrified that the people he loves most in the world (Jessica and Malcolm) are in serious and immediate danger.

34:50 - .....last I checked Malcolm was claustrophobic with specific closet-related trauma......

35:40 - “There’s only one play for a pawn.”.....does this mean Malcolm considers himself a pawn in Martin’s game? Disposable. Limited options. Replaceable. Of little worth? :(

35:57 - “What would you know about it Judas.” Huh. Pete is pissed at Martin. Is it because Pete views Martin’s nasty relationship with Capshaw as a betrayal akin to Judas’ betrayal of Jesus?

36:36 - Jessica using her heels as a weapon is honestly such a mood. hahaha

36:54 - Poor Jessica. The moment she realizes that she’s trapped with a killer who not only hates Martin but also has an hallucinatory friend is haunting. This woman goes from terrified to petrified. But look at her poker face. She’s brave. She tries to talk her way out of it. She tries to think her way out of it. She’s like Malcolm.

37:42 - Jessica firmly telling Daryl not to take another step right before she stabs him in the neck with a high heel is everything. Listen to her terrified screaming. She can’t believe she just stabbed the man (even if it was self-defence). This woman did the impossible while scared to death. She is a badass. She’s my hero. I love her.

38:12 - “All she had to do was tell me where my brother was. Except they were in love”.....does this mean Ainsley or Martin is going to try and kill Dani?

39:32 - “Don’t you think that’s what Rosalie would’ve wanted for you? This time make the right choice.” Wow. Malcolm is really metaphorically berating himself. What I heard was “Don’t you think Dani would want you to live without fear and guilt? This time - tell her your secret. Come clean. You’ll feel better.”

40:12 - ....so did Dani steal Gil’s keys or did he give them to her? Can we see how mad Gil is about this? Please? .....also the not-so-subtle “Dani is going to be a part of the Whitly family because she hurt Gil’s car” is not lost on me. I’m just more interested in Gil’s reaction to Dani hurting his baby.

40:21 - “I see why you like her.” hahaha Gerald is all of us. Whether or not you ship Brightwell, you can’t deny that Dani is a badass and a good friend to Malcolm. That’s reason enough for Malcolm to like her - not necessarily in a romantic way.

40:30 - Where the hell did Daryl go? If Jessica was trapped where did the man with a high heel in his neck go?!!?!

40:33 - “It’s okay. It’s okay. You’re okay.” <3 <3 The whump whore in me is in love. Forget Gillica. I’ll listen to Gil comforting a traumatized member of the team or Jessica any time, any day. <3

40:50 - I have so many questions about this escape. Are the guys sticking together? If not - do they know where the other guys plan to go/do? Where will they be getting the post-escape change of clothes (you know the ones that aren’t property of Claremont)?

40:55 - I’ll be honest, I’m shocked. They’ve been teasing Martin’s escape all season but I really thought he wasn’t going to escape until the finale. Now I’m so excited for the finale. If it’s not a Martin-Ainsley-Malcolm showdown or a Gil-Martin showdown I’m going to be sad.

41:13. - Martin and Gerald both just took their first breath of fresh air as ‘free’ men after 23-24 years. The symmetry of this episode’s two main plot lines is more obvious than usual.

41:44 - Look at Gerald being Malcolm’s wingman. hahaha it’s so cute. He’s self-appointed himself as Malcolm’s grandpa and I’m here for it.

41:51 - REALLY MALCOLM?!!? YOU CHOOSE TO LISTEN TO A VOICEMAIL FROM THE SURGEON NOW?!?! #MORON

42:29 - Martin’s entire message for Malcolm is haunting. Even now, he’s trying to manipulate Malcolm. “I’m not the man I used to be”. I’ll promise you right now - Martin will be killing at least one person in the next 3 episodes. He’s addicted to killing. End of story.

“I’m doing this for you” ....Is Martin going after Ainsley? I’m genuinely concerned that Martin thinks Ainsley is going to try and kill Malcolm or pin the Endicott murder on Malcolm. I think Martin caught wind of it and is planning on ‘taking care of the problem’ (Ainsley).

42:35 - Look at Dani. She’s terrified. For Malcolm. For Gil. For New York. For herself. She knows how bad this is and she’s scared.

42:44 - “You fath-. The Surgeon.” THIS. Dani realized that Malcolm doesn’t need to be reminded that his father is a serial killer. Dani realized that family is more than blood. The Surgeon escaped. Malcolm is in danger. But Malcolm’s father didn’t escape. Malcolm’s father has been dead since 1997/1998 when Malcolm found out he was a serial killer.

42:55 - Malcolm. :( Look at our baby. :( He’s done. Absolute horror and terror. He looks like he’s going into shock. I honestly thought (*cough* hoped *cough*) he was going to pass out. THIS is what’s going to remove Malcolm as a suspect for ‘aiding/knowing that Martin was planning on escaping’. Same with Jessica. Ainsley doesn’t have a terror driven alibi though. At least - not that we’ve seen.

AHHHHHHHH this was such an intense episode. I can’t wait for Tuesday. <3

If Malcolm doesn’t have a full on mental breakdown soon I’m going to have a stress-induced breakdown for him. Seriously.

Thanks for hanging out.

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thehooliganhangoutspot · 2 years

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No marriage or baby after 10 years??

Ladies, why would a man, a man who is a literal millionaire and can provide for his wife 10 times over, NOT marry a woman after ten years? Most of us established Bruno likely has childhood trauma over his parents divorce, but he's 36 now. Get therapy. Heal and move foward.

See. It would be different if both said "Nah, no marriage and we're child free." But he's 10 years in with a woman who wants both of those things badly, a woman who is going to be 40 years old! And yes, you can have children after 40 but after 35, your ability to get pregnant decreases year after year. That "WELL I KNOW A WOMAN WHO NATURALLY HAD A BABY AT 50" story doesn't change statistical, scientific fact as a whole. Just because it happens for a few doesn't erase the overwhelming majority. So why make a woman wait that long and risk complication? His own brother has 3 gorgeous kids and a wife, he has healthy images of marriage by someone who shared the same trauma he did.

And they're both Puerto Rican descent (Bruno having a Puerto Rican dad at that) and culturally, hispanics have babies early, that is just how it is. By 30, she was old not to have at least one!

Is she really a ten year placeholder? Is that why he's withholding? Do you think Bruno doesn't see her fit enough to not only tie himself and his estate to with marriage, but create life with her? Most guys would have the baby, even if they won't give the ring.

She has neither. Not even an ENGAGEMENT.

I used to think he was holding out for Chanel to return but that ship has sailed. She has a man and a little girl herself.

Bruno could be feeding her "next year, baby" kind of hope, too. "When I drop this next album, we gone do this." Bruno can charm us from a screen in a 4 minute music video and from a stage for two hours and 100 rows back, now imagine being his girl for 10 years and him using that smooth talk on you looking in those eyes and that voice and the charm of a 70's sweet talker himself.

You can't deny, many of us (not you who's gonna come on here with "Well I know EYE WOULD NEVER--") would melt like butter, especially if we love the guy. Love can make you dumb while you're wrapped in it.

Also, Jessica knows where the money reside. Leaving him now would be struggle. No career, nothing to fall back on, especially in this economy the way it is right now. She'd be back in her parent's house, from millionaire's girlfriend to starting from scratch. She literally has nothing to call her own. And her own comfort makes her stay right where she is. Her whole life is California. Her friends, his family, the house, the lifestyle. Imagine also how publicly embarrassing it would be to break up. All of her business would be on front street.

She probably said "I already stayed THIS long, I love him. I can't just leave just incase this year is my year!" And that post where she excitedly said "It's not too late for me" about having babies at her age is so heartbreaking. The way she is always up under Cindia's kids and now, even Codie's new baby. She wants to be a mom.

Look, Bruno has spent 10 years with her and has made his choice for whatever reason. But even as handsome as he is and the money and not having to struggle financially...I still kind of feel a little sad for her. Maybe this *WILL* be her year. Who knows.

But if Bruno leaves her and then a year and a half later marries a girl and gets her pregnant, well...many of us have seen it happen. I just don't know if Bruno would do her like that.

Would he?

#Long post

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natromanxoff · 4 years

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Drama, drama, drama... Alright, now we have one about Roger Taylor. And I strongly felt the need of making a post about this because I talked to the blogger here who shared the photo, ergo had a chance to closely follow what has been going on.

What is this I am talking about?

This photo, that has also been posted here. Jacques Dutard, who is the owner of the photo wrote this caption: “Hey, just wanna share what happened to me just yesterday at lunch... In Sardinia, at the restaurant I have Roger arriving and sitting on the table next to us... Simply amazing, exciting, awesome. Thanks Roger.” So it is about this photo that Roger had with fans on 10th of August, at a restaurant, without a mask, in Italy. As you can probably guess, the ‘without a mask’ and ‘Italy’ parts have bothered some people, then came the horrid comments.

Before I start, I want to especially specify that I am a person who is a medicine student, daughter of a doctor and whose parents have gotten the virus in the beginning of the April but still have the effects virus left on body such as tachycardia, arrhytmia, respiratory distress which appear after a physical activity. These facts don’t make me an expert but make me someone who has relatively better knowledge about some medical subjects and someone who has had a bad personal experience with the virus.

I don’t know if there’s any need for me to say that I’ve become really worried after seeing the visual, it was my initial reaction, I always dread to hear the news of their death and I was, yes, thinking what if he gets infected? My parents in their forties still have problems and in comparison with them; him in 70, what bad consequences would happen? Then, I had some other questions, I was sort of disappointed that he went out without any protection, after all that’s been said. Why?

I know, he’s a smart man and thought I can’t judge him that easily because of him going out. I considered some points and turned my disappointment into calmness. Now I am sharing them with you, especially for those who’s initial reaction was panic and started to spit venom,

Firstly, we must acknowledge that photos are capture of a moment which lasts for split seconds. All we have right now is a split second photo of him without a mask. So do we have any right to attack him for not using mask? No. Because I don’t even know if he was already wearing it or not, if he took it off for the photo or not. Maybe he wanted his smile to be seen at the photo, wanted to create a sincere environment. But we can’t create a drama out of it. Believe me, I am one of those gets so raged after seeing a person not using a mask. It’s necessary, you have to do it for both your and my health. But even I, am not going to make a story from only a photo of someone. That’s pretty normal. I have taken photos of ourselves too and I took my mask off at safe points for this only to wear it again after. However, I will never let people say that I don’t have the mask on me, how dare I can be this selfish and stroll around without any caution. No, I am very very careful and you can never judge me for the moment.

Secondly, let’s say he hasn’t been using mask while he was sitting. He’s at a restaurant. It’s quite understandable that he doesn’t have a mask. Is there anyone who can eat with their masks on? I don’t think so. I am also sure many of us has gone to a cafe or restaurant at some point since the decreases at the cases have started and shops were opened. I accept that I did but where did I choose to sit? At open-air and secluded parts of them. I have started using my mask even before the virus hasn’t been spreaded widely around the country yet, never stopped using it even if I go outdoor because I’ve always been conscious about it. But guess where is the only place I had to take them off? Yes, the restaurants. While I am eating, I have to use my mouth and I take it off to wear it immediately after I finish. That’s probably what he had to do too.

Next, if you just observe carefully and detailedly, you see a small distance between them and Roger. Perspective can fool us so well and unbeliveably. You assume it’s short length from a point but when you change your angle, you see that it is not what it looks like, it’s the opposite, the gap is huger than you think! There has been posts about it even here. What if this is the case? I don’t think that I can interpret that he doesn’t care about rules and stays close to people. In fact, he’s leaning towards them slightly, his chair and knife seems a little so we can quite reckon how is his sitting straight position. Gives me a impression that it’s far from other people and he just leaned a little for the photo because he isn’t rude to the fans. I am sure, there would be another discussion if he rejected their photo request. The man seems like sitting at the edge of the chair and there is a woman and man smiling and looking at camera in the back, at the second table. I can maybe assume, these fans came from there and talked briefly, took a photo, then went away. He always stays close with fans or puts an arm behind them on photos, if he didn’t care, he might have tried to do that again.

Another point, some researchs say that not socializing for a long time might cause regression on brain structures and functions especially of old people, who are older than 65. They already have minor of it, as something age brings with it and closing them, without any human interaction might make it worse. That’s why this has been discussed here if there can be another good way for old people because being under quarantine for months may effect them badly. Not just that, psychological effect that being between 4 walls leaves on us is a significant one. Whether we notice it or not, there is a change because we’ve gotten used to go out freely. As for him; alright, he has a big house with a wide garden, his wife with him and comparably, he has much comfortable and livable conditions than many of us. But is this really enough to stay there for this much long time and don’t go on any holiday at all? Especiallr for him who is energetic and has given concerts for all these years? Same place bores us after a point, we feel the need of change. He has stayed in his house for all this time and hasn’t moaned about it on social media like some other celebrities, he probably tried to make the best out of it; giving drum tutorials, recording a song, playing song with his friends on video call and now that he went to holiday, people started to attack. He has disadvantage because of his age but also has right and need to get relaxed too.

All people started to go on holiday. I confess, I did too. We have a private summerhouse with a pool so I have been lucky about not getting into crowd a lot but I was still cautious. Like I have woken up at the wee hours to be able to go to sea. So it’s possible to go on holiday and be safe if you take the precautions. We don’t even know what kind of a holiday he’s having, might be a boat, private rented house or something else. Maybe he was isolating himself on the vacation too. We don’t even know anything for sure. Just because we received a photo of him at a restaurant isn’t enough to throw mud at him for going on holiday. Especially not now, when everybody is having holiday. If only celebrities went to have holiday and us people had to stay at home, I would get angry too. But he’s not only one to blame at this.

Lastly, his daughter is a GP. He can comfortably ask her about what he should do or what is safer to do. Everybody likes to ask to people who’s close to them and in that field because it’s easier to learn and more reliable than internet. Like even a neighbour rings our bell to ask a medical question to my father at obnoxious hours, is he going to he hesitate to call his own daughter to ask couple of things? I doubt it. He has a chance to learn about it more and better, I am sure he wouldn’t miss this chance. He has always been a responsible, smart man and I am not sure if he would suddenly turn into an ignorant, stupid person.

I try to see your point of views too. Yes, it seems unpleasing to view him in that position during this pandemic. Yes, I was irritated by it as I said that I am much more sensitive about this and it is against my principles. But when you think sensibly, you get to the conclusion that it might not seem like what it is. If we kept seeing new content of him going around without a mask, I would totally justify you. But right now, this is not what it is. It’s so easy to prejudge someone, so so easy, what is harder is to put them aside and think carefully if something different is possible. When I think, I reach to these many points and I haven’t felt lazy to write them all because I haven’t seen enough people that think with every aspects but seen the ones who attacked greatly.

I am concerned because of his age and his choice of resturant which is relatively crowded. But as it is in the words, it’s his ‘choice’ and I can’t call him stupid because of that. I am hoping that nothing bad happens because this disease is really hell but I also trust his mind and try to think that he will do what’s necessary to protect himself. I just invite everybody to think reasonably, evaluate every aspects and not create a drama easily because we have already enough of it. Criticize kindly, I do that too - I would have preferred him do be at a safer place but as I said there is probably an explanation and it’s his will, but please don’t be this aggresive using these rude words.

#queen #queen band #roger taylor #roger meddows taylor

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mrmallard · 3 years

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18 and 33

18: rant about your favorite musician

So I was bullied pretty badly as a kid at school and at home, and there was a period of time where I was drowning in a sea of age-appropriate content that felt extremely condescending and fake - it wouldn't ever engage with the idea of being sad or depressed in a serious and nuanced manner outside of the token "you're sad now but things aren't so bad!" message. Most adult media I had access to at the time, mostly shitty early-00's action movies airing on TV, was very vapid and about as thematically hollow as the age appropriate stuff. Nothing really represented me and made me feel heard, nothing validated what I was going through and the negativity I was feeling towards others and myself.

As a 12 year old, I found the media which finally validated the depression, hurt and general violent negativity that existed within me due to all of my negative experiences.

And that media...

was End of Evangelion, an anime movie in which the apocalypse happens in an immeasurably bizarre and fucked up way, where there's a bunch of overt giant robot violence but also very alarming and grounded person-to-person violence, and where the ending is unendingly bleak.

I then found the Mountain Goats through a show called Moral Orel when I was 16, and I lamented the fact that I hadn't found them before I found one of the bleakest anime movies of all time to cope with what I was going through. Because my Evangelion fandom ultimately did me a lot of harm - and while I was a stupid kid at times in how I engaged with the Mountain Goats (sending John stupid asks on Tumblr like a fucking asshole), there was a much more resonant catharsis that came with the music I heard, and it facilitated healing over time rather than escapism and outright nihilism.

I feel like had I found them earlier, I could have negated some of the harm I did to myself - like Tallahassee came out when I was 6, and I was pirating music all the time on LimeWire from 13 onwards. There's a hypothetical past where my music piracy led me to find the Mountain Goats way earlier than I eventually did, and it would have changed my life forever.

The Mountain Goats laid out a template for how I found all of my other favorite bands. There was the initial hook - the prerequisite "No Children" and "Old College Try" from Moral Orel - followed by immense overplay, followed by branching out into their other music. Once the connection has been made to a strong base of starter songs, I then get interested in listening to full albums, which is where I find the second wave of songs to latch on to after the first wave gets overplayed. Rinse and repeat until I've exposed myself to all of their music. TMG was the first band to facilitate this process, and I've done the same thing to every "core" musical act I've listened to since.

What I like about the Mountain Goats is that they're not afraid to broach difficult subjects? The Sunset Tree is a masterpiece in this regard, there's a level of vulnerability on that album that you don't get from most other artists - the closest equivalent I can think of is A Crow Looked At Me by Mt. Eerie, about the singer's wife dying of cancer.

There was a part of me that used to approach The Sunset Tree with a lurid voyeurism, a desire to validate my own pain by engaging with the pain that the album puts out there - but now when I hear songs like Hast Thou Considered The Tetrapod, I'm capable of seeing a broader picture and having more than just the desire to be validated by listening to another person's trauma. I would consume media like this to feed an unending hunger, but now I take it in bite sized portions and stay mindful of what it represents outside of my own experience.

One thing I want to talk about is John's early work, because when I started listening to the band I couldn't stand the lo-fi stuff. The whirring sound gave me a headache. But over time I've built up a strong base of his earlier material, even stuff he considers an old shame, that I absolutely adore.

The first "going to" song, to my understanding, is Going to Chino. And if you haven't heard Going to Chino, I recommend it - it's silly, it's overwrought and it's passionate. You'll never hear a more earnest commendation of a town's access to the 60 freeway in any other songs on earth. There's also Minnesota, which to this day might be John Darnielle's most romantic song. He acknowledges that he's a different person than when he started making music and he prefers to move forward as opposed to living in the past, but there's a lot of power in songs like No, I Can't or Yoga, regardless of how far removed he becomes from the self that made them.

My favorite song might be From TG&Y, because it hits on a very personal note - engaging in self-destructive behaviour to cope with a town that's sucking all of the life and goodness out of you. I've only ever drank to excess, but there's something very relatable about feeling how run down you are after a bender, having this awful manky taste in your mouth the whole time as you shift from place to place, and having this impulse of needing to run away and start a new life before this way of living kills you.

There's a lot of myself wrapped up in the Mountain Goats, and whether they're the primary band on my radar at any given moment or not, I can always spare a few words about how they make me feel.

33: what do you think about a lot

I think a lot about queer people in the past and how they've able to live their lives. I'll give you three examples.

Lately, I've had this pet idea about the anime/manga series Ranma 1/2. I haven't seen or read it, but I do know that it's about this young guy named Ranma who is afflicted with a curse or the like that results in him changing gender depending on the temperature of the water that gets dumped on him.

Ranma 1/2, from what I've gleaned, has resulted in a few gender awakenings - if I'm not mistaken, I think Dan Shive was one of those people, who went on to create the webcomic El Goonish Shive which deals with gender in a similar way at the start before taking more of a serious turn as the comic goes on.

But I have this idea in my head about early Ranma 1/2 fans writing stories about Ranma coming to terms with being a woman, and deciding to find a way to break the curse in a way that would leave the character as a woman. I wonder if there's anyone who tapped into their transness back then through their Ranma fandom, and whose journey is documented in their work.

It's like, there's people back then who Get It. Who came into their own in a time where the concept of gender transition was less accepted than it was now. And that's my people - geeky fanfiction writers. I want to know that there are people who found an innate truth to them, and who were able to be happy.

Another example I want to talk about is Robert Reed, who played Mike Brady on the Brady Bunch. I care deeply for Robert Reed. From what information is the most easily accessible about the man, he was apparently a pretty angry guy at times - he wasn't proud of his role on the Brady Bunch, and he'd get into arguments with the producer of the show. He was a closeted gay man playing the most sanitized TV dad in America, and if that news ever came out, it would sink his career and the entire show along with it.

But he was a good man. Notably, the producer of the Brady Bunch would tolerate his outbursts because his instincts would usually turn out to be right. And while he was upset with the material, he was never abusive to his co-stars. A bunch of them speak fondly about him to this day - he'd take the kids on day trips and stuff, and became something of a mentor and father figure to them. You don't hear wholesome stories like that from the 70's any more, but by all accounts Robert Reed seems to have been a decent man.

Robert died of colon cancer, but at the time of his death he had HIV as well. He was an incredibly private person - the only reason we know that he's gay is because he called Florence Henderson a week before he died to let her know and to get her to tell the rest of the cast. Apparently he kept in touch with her for years, and he saw fit to let everyone know before he died.

My understanding is that he had a partner at the time, though I'm not 100% sure. I hope Robert Reed had love throughout his life, y'know. I hope he had people who he loved and was loved by in return. I'm sad that he lived his whole life in the closet, and I hope he was able to find comfort and fulfillment in the relationships he did have in his life.

The last example I want to talk about is David Hyde Pierce - Niles from Frasier and the professor from Treasure Planet. I learned a while back that he had come out as gay in the late 2000's, getting married before Proposition 13 went into effect in California. I saw a topic about him on GameFAQs recently and I wanted to bring up that he was gay and married, but it had been a while so I googled him again to get my facts straight.

Not only is David Hyde Pierce still married, he's been in a relationship with his husband since 1983.

It means so much to me because people break up all the time in Hollywood. Whether it be the stress of the outside world gawking at them all the time, or the vice and excess of the entertainment industry corrupting people over time, or just falling out of love ala Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman - relationships in Hollywood don't last. And you don't hear much about gay celebrities and their love lives unless it becomes a point of controversy, ala Elton John's adoption issues or George Michael getting outed.

But the entire time David Hyde Pierce was on Frasier and doing voiceover - for all intents and purposes, at the top of his career - he was in a relationship with a man he'd already loved for a decade beforehand. And they continued to be together until gay marriage became legal, at which point they married each other, and they're still married to this day.

I'm really happy that they've been able to go the distance. May we all have what they have one day.

#long post

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t-o-m-hollands · 4 years

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California Dreaming Harry Styles x y/n

Summary: Harry is having a bad morning, and you try to cheer him up.

Themes: Super fluffy, dreamy one shot.

Warnings: None, except maybe mentions of alcohol?

Word count: 1,7 k

A/N: First of, this is based on this post . It’s also inspired by a dream I had and somewhat similar to my story Happy Place. Also, the house is slightly inspired by Dakota Johnson's house. I listened to honeymoon by lana del rey and fine line by harry styles while writing this. Please leave feedback if you can. Not proof read as of yet

In a hotel room somewhere far away from home Harry wakes up that morning to a wave of inexplicable and unavoidable sadness. Blinking slowly, he lays unmoving, and stares out the window. The view is one of a dark sky, and seemingly never ceasing rain. It’s like the whole world has been painted grey.

He wakes that morning and there is a heaviness in his chest, slowly spreading its way through his body. He doesn’t want to move out of bed. Doesn’t want to face the day. Nor does he particularly want to stay in bed, but it seems like the better option.

The only glimmer of light, the speck of colour on an otherwise grey canvas, is the woman lying next to him, still asleep. He draws her closer to him, finding comfort in her warm body, the familiar scent of her and he listens to her soft breathing; trying to make order of his own thoughts.

When you wake you smile up at him, and gently you press a kiss to the tip of his nose, and he can’t help but smile. Eventually you get up, but he stays in bed, and the places your body touched burn when you leave. So, he turns to the window and he observes the rain again. If anything, it’s increased. You don’t mind the rain, you never have. In fact, the sound of raindrops against the window has a soothing effect on you.

He stays in bed while you order room service and only when it arrives does he sits up. He leaves for the bathroom and when he comes back he crashed down on the bed again, seemingly drained of energy. You get him to eat his breakfast as the news show on the TV in the background. After having eaten he gets you both to lay down on the bed again, and god, he feels exhausted already.

“You know” you say, touching the frown between his eyes with a gentle finger, as if you’re trying to erase it. “One day we’ll buy a house somewhere in California, up by the mountains. And I’ll plant a garden.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes, right outside the French doors leading to the kitchen I'll plant a lemon three and each year we’ll watch it grow taller. And I’ll plant some herbs too. Basil, parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme. And lavender of course. I’ll plant tomatoes too, and peppers and squash and spinach and radishes as well. All the good stuff”.

A smile tugs the corner of his mouth and something close to hope shines in his eyes.

“And have you seen our living room? It’s got big windows to let in the never-ending Californian sunshine. And in an antique cabinet, that by the way; we’ll find some Wednesday afternoon as we’re strolling through a Fleamarket. We’ll see it and we’ll share a glance and we’ll both know that we have to have it. We’ll store our records there, but even though I'll constantly collect new ones, only the good ones get to stay in the antique cabinet. We’ll listen to a new one every night as we cook dinner. I can see it in front of me right now, clear as day; you chopping vegetables and me drinking wine, some obscure band from the 70’s playing in the background that I'll dance along to, even though I claim to help you with the food.”

He smiles for real then, beginning small before it spreads all across his face, eyes twinkling with love.

“Only the good ones will end up in the antique cabinet. Therefor we’ll call it heaven.” You’re smiling too now and he caresses your arm, gently touching you as you speak. You’re lying next to each other in bed, almost nose to nose.

“Sometimes when we cook dinner together, I'll tell you about my day as I pour us some wine and you’ll tell me about yours while you chop the garlic. Some nights we’ll slow dance in the kitchen, just because we want to and because it feels good to be close to you and I've missed you.”

He leans in even closer and presses a soft kiss against your forehead. You’re so warm and the warmth spreads through him.

You continue.

“On cold evening we’ll light the fire in the living room, and I'll play you some music and we’ll read or talk, but never about the weather. Or maybe we’ll argue over a game of scrabble but we always make peace before we go to bed. And on some nights, we’ll have friends and family over and we’ll drink tequila and talk and play music and someone’ll end up dancing on the table and we will all laugh until our stomach's hurts. And you’ll feel loved. On other nights we’ll sit on the porch, just the two of us, sharing a jug of sangria and we’ll watch the sun set over the horizon, while I read through my scripts and you play on your guitar.”

He can see it so clearly in front of him and he wants it all so badly it hurts.

“Oh, and you know what?” you laugh and he shakes his head, still looking at you with stars in his eyes, still slowly touching your skin; as if he’s unable not to. “Our neighbour will be an old retired priest, but he’s now dedicated beekeeper. And I’ll pick some sunflowers and lemons from our garden and I’ll exchange them for little pots of honey and I'll bake us a honey and lavender cake. We’ll eat it sprawled out on blankets on the grass under the beaming sun”.

“You’re amazing” he breaths out. He didn’t mean to say it, doesn’t want to interrupt your storytelling, but you’ve replaced the heaviness in his stomach with the same warm feeling whiskey or chamomile tea leaves behind and he needs you to know how miraculous you are.

You laugh in response and kiss the tip of his nose again before you continue.

“There won’t be a single white wall inside our home. We’ll paint our hallway a sunshine yellow, I can see it now, how we’ll argue and laugh, and sing and dance and bicker as we stand there, both of us with a paint roller in each hand, colouring the white walls yellow; over time filling the space with coats and hats and odd shoes. Art hanging on the walls. In fact, all around the house art work we’ve collected over the years will hang. And in my office a gigantic bookshelf will be overflowing with books. Inherited books, borrowed books, bought books and odd books found in flea markets were the previous owner has already covered the work in dog ears and scribbles. And sometimes I'll buy books in languages I don’t understand. I'll sit with you out on the veranda, soaking up sunshine, and I’ll try to guess the meaning behind each word. And I'll guess what the book is about based on odd words here and there that I'll understand and we’ll laugh about it and you’ll call me silly but really, you want to kiss me”.

He leans in and kisses you and for a while every thought escapes you both and it’s like the sun has finally come out, even to the steady beat of the rain still drum on in the background. In the end he pulls away and asks you to continue your story.

“We’ll have a blue tiled kitchen and copper pots and wicker baskets everywhere. And all the plates will be in different vibrant colours, bought on different occasions at different places. When family or friends come over for dinner they’ll all have a favourite plate and they’ll shout ‘I want the yellow one!’ or ‘the red one is mine!’ My personal favourite will be sunflower yellow, yours will be sea blue. And somewhere in the house we’ll have a pink bathroom or powder room. At first, you’ll say no to this idea but in the end, you’ll give way because you’ll know it’ll make me happy. Just like I’ll make way because I know that it makes you happy that the dog sleeps in our bed in the morning”.

He cups your face, stroking your cheek with his thumb and Christ, how did he ever get so lucky?

“There will be no plywood in our home. The walls will be of stone or wood, build endure. Built to last” you say with a serious tone. “And on the days where you feel especially burdened or sad, I'll play all your favourite songs on our old piano. I’ll sing them until you’ll beg me to stop. But you can’t help but smile too, especially when I’ll play you Here Comes the Sun, or California Dreamin’. And on those rare rainy California days we’ll stay inside and watch movies, even though we never agree on what to watch. In the end we’ll settle for something badly made and ridiculous and I'll lay on the sofa, my legs in your lap and a blanket draped over us, and we’ll laugh at all the bad jokes. Because we feel loved and laughter comes easy with you.”

He can’t quite describe the feeling in his chest then except it feels like his heart is imploding. This is what love is.

“And I'll collect ceramic works, little pots and pieces made by friends and artists alike, and I'll place them all over the house and I'll pick flowers from the garden and I’ll put them in. Sunflowers and jasmines to be exact. And when the jasmine dies, I'll press the flowers in my books and I’ll use them as book marks. And when you’ll borrow one of my books and you travel far away, you’ll find that when you open up the first page the scent of jasmine will hit you and it’ll remind you of me, of the fact that you’re never alone. It’ll remind you of home”.

So when i first wrote this late at night and i felt rather proud of it but clearly that was just tiredness. Not proud of this one now but i’ve been promising a harry styles one shot for some time now so here it is.

Please leave feedback

#harry styles #harry styles x ofc #harry styles x you #harry styles x reader #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles x y/n #harry styles imagine #harry styles headcannon

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nctzendreamz · 4 years

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[11:59pm] The world had never been so chaotic. The ground was shaking at a dangerous pace, and the storm that had been breaking through since this morning had finally spiraled out of control, causing water to flood people out of their comfortable positions and drown them. The massive tornadoes weren’t any better as they flashed through homes; even the nicest ones, tearing the world and its people apart while taking their breath away. If there was a TV that could play a news station, you would be able to see how the anchors spazzed out; hands shaking out of control as they tried their best to report the doomsday currently taking place.

You and Mark on the other hand, are perched at the highest building. Your legs are dangling from the edge; a metaphor on how you two always lived, and your silence seems almost too real. It’s almost as if you two were the cause of the current mass destruction, and you were just waiting for everyone to be dead so you could regain your world.

“I can’t stop thinking.” Mark whispers. His left hand begins to rub his knee up and down, a clear indication that he was becoming weary. “I’m ready, but I’m thinking about every single thing we’ve done.” He grabs your hand now, and you feel it’s not shaking. He’s pulling himself together little by little.

You agree with a simple head nod, and Mark doesn’t need to question you. He knows the moments are running through your mental a mile per minute; if not faster. The rain is splattering all over your features, and if you weren’t about to die, you’d be so pissed. Mark can read your mind, and even in such a sad situation, he chuckles. You’re surprised the sun didn’t appear.

“We lived a good life, didn’t we? I mean, we met eachother. How many people get to meet their soulmate?”

The mention of this word causes both of your eyes to flash a bright red; your matched favorite color. In eachother’s eyes, you can see everything. Your first kiss, your first fight, your first...everything. You can see all the tears poured over eachother, similar to the rain. It’s so beautiful, and yet, so sad.

“What if we don’t find eachother again?” You finally speak, voice cracking ever so slightly. You’re trying to keep your composure at the thought of losing him, but Mark doesn’t care about composure. He never has. His hand reaches for the back of your coat. It’s extremely damp, but so is he. So is his heart.

“We will.”

You’re not looking into his eyes just yet. You want that to be the last thing you do. “You don’t know that.”

“We don’t know anything, angel. According to history, we’ve been doing this for years. Being born again, growing up, finding eachother, dying together, then repeating. We don’t remember it, but it’s because we’re not supposed to. I—I feel it in my chest.” He takes your hand, and places it where his heart lays. “Do you feel that?”

And you do. You feel it. You can’t exactly put a finger on what “it” is, but it’s something. It’s something warm, and safe, just like him.

The ground begins to shake, indicating that the 70 storied building isn’t going to stand for much longer. You open your eyes, taking a deep breath, and he’s looking right at you. Mark Lee, the love of your life Your soulmate. And his eyes are shining like they do no matter what. No matter what his true feelings are. He’s like a doe, lost in the woods, but looking at the moon as he just had that glow to him.

A sad smile creeps on your face, but you still cup his cheeks into your hands. Your foreheads immediately connect, and before you can even make a move to, his lips are on yours. He needs this. He was talking such a big game, guaranteeing you that the two of you would find eachother in the next life, if it even exists, but he doesn’t know. And that’s too scary for him. He can’t live without you. Even thinking about it makes him sick.

But times up. The storm is slashing all over the two of you, and your lips refuse to detach, but the building is sinking you both one by one. Finally, it collapses from the middle, and the two of you take the fall. It’s so cinematic. The lightning flashes right on time as the two of you crusade to the opened floor, and your hands are molded together. Right before you two hit the ground, you look at eachother for what seems like the last time.

“I love you.” You both say at the same time, your tears practically slapping eachother from their close proximity and hang time in the darkened sky.

“Mommy, I don’t want to go!” Your wines are prominent, and you refuse to let go of her hand.

“Baby, mommy has to work. You’re supposed to be being a big girl, right? Five is a big number.”

The teacher looks on, always enjoying this part. Seeing how the children always refuse to leave their parents side. No one can read her mind, but she’s excited to see how quick she can get you to love her, and her classroom.

“Come on!” She encourages. She’s trained for this. Her smile is bright, and luring, and even as a small child, it’s familiar. It feels safe. You’re still fussy, but you slowly let go of your mom. Your tiny hand reaches for your teacher’s in front of you, and you timidly follow her into the rather large classroom.

It’s filled with puzzle themed flooring, and all different colors. It’s extremely soft.

“You see all the other kids? Hm?” She asks, showing them off with her empty hand. “There’s Johnny, Yuqi, Lauren, Keke—

“And Mark!” A squeaky voice speaks, and your small head turns around with a quickness. All of the other children clap in celebration, oohs and ahs passing as his smile is bright. His height is just as yours, almost like a doll. He’s missing a tooth, just like you, you also notice. He’s running up to the woman you followed, and embracing her tightly.

“And Mark.” She agrees, patting the top of his black hair gently. She greets his parents with a head nod, before assisting the small boy in taking off his clothing from the cold weather. She whispers in his ear, and you can’t hear her anymore. Usually for a child your age, you shouldn’t care. But you want to know more about this Mark that everyone seems to love. You don’t even have a comprehension of love, but all the anxiety you feel is disappearing the more you look at him.

Your teacher pulls away from him, and now he’s looking at you. His eyes are a dark brown color, and he’s walking to you. His hand is scratching up his left leg, but he’s still so bright.

“I’m Mark. Mark Lee. I’m five years old and I like red.” He sings, using his hands to speak to you. His parents would be so proud, he thinks to himself. “You?”

“I’m Y/N, and...yeah!” He’s got you riled up so quickly. You want to play so badly now. His smile is contagious. “I like red too.” You whisper as if it’s a secret.

Mark takes your hand, preparing to give you a whole tour of his learning place. He doesn’t even grasp it properly, but you’re kids, and neither of you notice as you scream and yell in chaos.

Your teacher looks on, and so does your mom, and Mark’s parents. They feel really good about this; your mother getting to see her shy child make a friend so quickly, and his parents loving their son’s friendly nature.

“Imagine if they were soulmates.” His dad jokes, and everyone’s eyes flash. Mark’s parents have a matching yellow color, and your mom and teacher sport solo as they haven’t found their person yet; or at least, they weren’t present.

And you and Mark; let’s just say you two notice the red flash that appears on the book he was showing you for a mere second, but it’s totally because you both have secret superpowers, right?

#nct #nct 127 #nct mark #mark nct #mark lee #nct blurbs #nct blurb #soulmate au #nct imagine #nct imagines #this one felt good its so cute i love it #nct scenario #nct scenarios #mark fluff #nct fluff #nct au

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shanie-the-toyaddict · 3 years

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So, I want to take this moment to say a few words about my Grandma.

2 years ago, on this day, my last grandparent passed away. My grandma Vi passed away peacefully on December 27th, 2018. Her passing was the direct impetus for my full time return to tumblr and, I gotta say, you guys have made it all worth while.

I have many regrets involving my nana bear, the biggest being the lack of time I spent with her at the end. I have a really hard time facing people aging. It’s why I find it hard to watch much of Shane’s stuff these days and why it’s difficult for me to see my mom without makeup. Most of the people in my life, both celebs and IRL, they have shown a habit of looking far beneath their age until, one day, they don’t. I don’t know exactly what day I looked at Shane and realized “Holy shit, he’s not a kid anymore”... probably somewhere around 2018. My mom is the same way, I don’t know when I first looked at her and realized she really was in her 70s but in both cases, it was a very difficult realization.

Something similar happened with my grandma. One day, she started looking very very old and I could no longer stand to see her because it made me confront her impending loss. Because of this, I didn’t spend much time with her toward the end, and I’m sad about that.

I’m also sad that she never truly accepted me for who I am. It’s true, I’ve never had a steady girlfriend, and that’s less about my not trying and more about not being able to find a girl who will go out with me. But my nana bear was a hardcore Polish Catholic who had no time for queer individuals, so I simply chose to pass as straight for her to avoid drama. But I had brought it up from time to time and it always went badly, so we just let her forget it and I regret not being able to meet eye to eye on that.

Another regret of mine is that she passed before I started writing fanfic. She always loved to hear my stories and anecdotes and I believe that, were she of sound enough mind at the time, she would have loved to hear my dream stories. It makes me sad that her mind was going towards the end and, even if it wasn’t, I didn’t start writing again until August 2019.

Finally, one thing I am GRATEFUL for is that she lived long enough to see my return to Christ. Being a Christian is something I don’t talk about much on here, but it’s very important to me (although I try to be as Chill about it as possible). As a devout Catholic, my nana bear always dreamed that I would find God again and the day that I told her I had been saved was a joyous one indeed.

I miss my grandma. She was a good woman at heart, albeit a bit mischievous, and when the holidays roll around it makes me miss her more. We had all been praying that she would make it into the new year, but God was gracious and let her live past Christmas (although she was quite far gone and couldn’t get out of bed) and that her death came after the 25th. I now sit here, thinking of Brodie Lee and his family and how they will have to deal with heartache over the holidays now. I also think of Carrie Fisher’s passing two years prior to my grandma’s and how it must hurt her daughter greatly when the holidays come around.

In conclusion, the holidays can be a joyful time of year for those who celebrate. But it can also be a time of mourning for those who have lost loved ones and please remember to love each other and care for each other. Tomorrow is never a guarantee and you never know when the last time you see those loved ones will be.

#Long post #Personal

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addictedtostorytelling · 4 years

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Part 1- Hi! (Feel free to ignore I don’t want to bother you) your lost answer to anon got me thinking about an old headcanon I could never get str8 (Jate’s my lost otp & I love suliet to pieces). In “LaFleur”, sawyer says Kate’s face is gone from his memory, 3y’s enough to get over someone. But as soon as she’s back, he keeps glancing @ her as to figure out if he believes his own words. Except from the obvious writers’ ambiguous trick to keep the “square” alive for a bit longer,

Part 2- I thought it was some sort of leftover tenderness they shared toward each other (that Jack/Juliet didn’t get) cause despite their incompatibility, I believe they genuinely loved each other. So my question really is: do you think, post “the end” S & K find à way to accept that they care about each other, help each other get over their losses, learn to belong even if it’s just in each other’s lives (as friends or more) ? Sorry for this novel and thanks.

hey @clarissemcc!

so my headcanon for how things turn out with kate and sawyer post-island is definitely on the angsty side.

i’ll tuck it after the “keep reading,” just to be safe.

___________

as the final on-screen events of the original timeline in the series finale take place, jack has made the decision to remain behind on the island (where he soon dies), and juliet is already dead, meaning that both kate and sawyer return to civilization faced with the prospect of going through the rest of their lives bereft of their respective soulmates.

both of them undoubtedly mourn.

both of them undoubtedly suffer.

but, ultimately, kate is better equipped to cope with her loss than sawyer is his.

that’s not to say that things are easy for kate, of course.

when she is finally reunited with jack in the flash-sideways universe, the sheer yearning in her “i’ve missed you so much” admission implies that she has likely spent years on years---a full lifetime---in the ot grieving him.

losing jack after just having reconciled with him for the first time since their falling out in the wake of their broken engagement and after everything that they had been through together both on and off of the island most certainly leaves her heartbroken and reeling.

she probably never really gets over mourning him and wondering “what if---?”

i honestly don’t see her ever getting in another long-term relationship or marrying after him; if she was going to “settle down” in that way, he was the one person she was going to do so with.

that said, i do think that, overall, she is able to face that grief (however long she has to) because she has a sense of purpose in leaving the island.

she’s going to help claire raise aaron.

and i tend to believe that having someplace to go and something important to do helps her endure a life without jack.

that’s where she encounters whatever healing is available to her and “learns to belong,” like you talk about.

before crashing on the island, she is a fugitive runaway with nothing good or lasting in her life, but afterward she has two people who are looking to her to provide stability for them; she has a family, a home, and, most significantly, a reason to stick around.

not so with sawyer.

before the island, he is placeless---a traveling con man, in and out of prison, lacking a solid identity, much less a sense of purpose.

on the island, and particularly during the 70s in dharmaville, he finally gains grounding, becoming a super competent leader under the guise of jim lafleur and finding a partner---in every sense of the word---in juliet.

and had he been able to leave the island with juliet and marry her, as per his plan, i think he would have continued in the upward trajectory we see from him in s5 and s6. he would have listened to his better angels.

but in the wake of losing juliet, i’m not sure he can---and not just because she’s gone but because he blames himself for her death.

for as gut-wrenching as leaving jack behind on the island is for kate---and particularly knowing that he is badly wounded and possibly close to death---she can at least take solace in the fact that jack makes a choice for himself, and she can honor his willing sacrifice by taking care of his sister and nephew.

sawyer knows no such comfort.

he blames himself for juliet’s death on multiple levels: because he asked juliet to stay with him on the island for “two weeks” which turned into three years (see episode 05x08 “lafleur”); because his behavior around kate after she returned to the island eventually prompted juliet to sign on for jack’s plan to blow up the jughead (see episode 05x16 “the incident” pt. i); and because he literally couldn’t hold onto juliet and dropped her down the shaft (see episode 05x17 “the incident” pt. ii).

though one could try to argue with him that juliet exercised personal agency both in remaining on the island with him AND detonating the bomb, his guilt and self-loathing would never accept such appeals.

in his mind, he killed the only person he ever truly loved.

and without her, not only does he have nowhere to go and nothing to do post-island, but he also carries with him the sense that he doesn’t deserve to get to go anywhere or do anything.

he doesn’t want to carry on in her absence.

he wants to suffer for his sins.

he wants to experience every moment of agony rightly owed him for his actions.

filled with guilt, pain, and the impulse to self-castigate, i just can’t imagine him faring well.

though kate might try to convince him to not give up, i don’t think he’d listen to her or accept any attempts by her to take care of him---and particularly not because he knows that part of what persuaded juliet to blow up the warhead was her assumption, however erroneous, that he would eventually choose kate over her (“i changed my mind when i saw you look at her”).

even just being around kate as a friend would trigger his guilt in the extreme.

and while he wouldn’t blame kate---as he says he doesn’t, per the scene on the pier---he would still blame himself.

he would always blame himself.

hate himself, even.

and a self-hating sawyer is a dangerous one.

i mean, self-hatred is what underlies his jerky, bullying, posturing behavior during the early seasons of the show, right? and, by comparison, that self-hatred is of a more “garden variety,” rooted in his sense that he has become someone despicable, rather than an extremely personal sense of loss (and fault).

so much more extreme will be his bent over juliet---and so much the worse his self-sabotaging behavior as a consequence.

the pre-show sawyer is an outlaw who lives dangerously, but he ultimately possesses a self-preservative instinct; he is a consummate survivor.

that’s part of what makes him and kate so similar.

and him and juliet, for that matter.

but this sawyer---the one who feels responsible for getting the woman he loves killed---won’t care what happens to him anymore.

so he won’t do himself in all at once---not when he has a very strong sense that he deserves to suffer for what he has done for as long as possible---but he will drink and smoke himself sick and pick barfights with guys twice his size and run cons where he’s almost sure to get caught and then pull his gun on the cops who show up to arrest him; he’ll be a fucking mess, the likes of which would make even bearded, pill-popping, oceanic-six, los angeles jack go, “oh shit.”

and without any sense of grander purpose, i don’t know that sawyer would be able to pull himself out of the spiral.

kate might try to argue that he has an obligation to take care of himself if not for his own sake than for clementine’s, but he’d probably say that his daughter’s only interaction with him being by way of the trust fund he left for her is for the best.

honestly, i don’t think his story in the ot has any kind of happy ending.

and i don’t think he lasts as long as kate does.

just based on the way i understand his character, i doubt that sawyer allows himself to find any sort of refuge with kate post-island in the ot, either friendly or romantic, even if she tries to offer it to him. he also probably eschews company of any kind from anyone, including their other friends from the island.

for my money, there is just too much hurt and guilt in him, for which he cannot permit himself any sort of peace, so he strikes out on his own (“some of us are meant to be alone”) to disastrous effect.

while kate undoubtedly worries about him, i think that at some point, probably sooner rather than later, she makes the conscious decision to focus her energies on claire and aaron, resigning herself to the fact that sawyer doesn’t want to be saved, and particularly not by her.

ultimately, i think their paths diverge.

she learns to live again after the island, and he doesn’t.

all of this postulation given, i’m certainly not harshing on your headcanon! it’s way happier than mine and, frankly, a whole lot nicer to think about.

lest i end on a super negative note here, i’ll finish up by saying that i find it highly significant that in the flash-sideways, kate once again finds purpose in helping claire with aaron, while sawyer is searching---not only as a detective for his parents’ killer but literally walking around with a big, yellow sunflower (his bloom of choice for juliet), trying to find where (or rather to whom) he belongs, hopeful for the life he has always wanted to lead with her.

though he doesn’t get any kind of happy ending in the ot, at least by my estimation, he does eventually find what he’s looking for in the flash-sideways, and that reunion with juliet is so healing for him.

anyway, i’m rambling here.

thanks for the question! feel welcome to send another any time.

#answered #clarissemcc #asks: lost #**#my meta #meta: lost #lost #kate austen #james ford #let's talk shop

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luckylq45-blog · 4 years

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Chuck Wepner also fought Sylvester Stallone in court

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This team will then identify and recommend improvements that can be across a variety of areas to help Cervlo and its riders perform better in future races.The deal with CTT is an integral part of TCS' strategy to build its global brand by associating with leading teams in key sports arena. It has a similar ongoing engagement with Ferrari, cheap nfl jerseys where its brand is engrained on the latter's Formula One Cars.Similarly, it had partnered with Rajasthan Royals, the Indian Premier League cricket team, last year.

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wintersxsoul · 5 years

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The Night We Danced

Summary: Two dorks in love that have to wait to get drunk to confess their feelings.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female!Reader

Word Count: 4k

Warnings: Maybe some language, drunk people and I think mentions of sex??

A/N: This is my entry for my dearest @writingsoftheloser 1k historical writing challenge! I got the Victorian Era, so I came up with this longass nonsense. I hope you enjoy and as always, feedback and reblogs are free and make me really happy and motivated <3

Bucky Barnes was a dancer.

He sometimes had flashes of his old life in the late 30’s and 40’s, long summer nights dancing with beautiful dames, little Stevie by his side laughing and stepping in the ladies’ shoes. Everything was much more simpler, happier, but war happened and the dances turned into battles, the warm hands that he was used to hold became rifles and glocks. The jazzy tunes turned into gunfire, dates turned into risky missions and the thought of a long happy life turned into dust when he fell off that train.

Bucky Barnes stopped being a dancer to be a soldier, a spy, a deadly assassin.

They had taken all he was away, all his memories, his hopes and dreams. Everything was wiped but not his motor skills or knowledge. They turned him into the most efficient soldier, cold and calculating, his only motive in life was completing his missions. He had killed mercilessly, not questioning even once who was in front of the gun, he just knew he had to pull the trigger.

Everything changed the moment Steve Rogers, his best friend since childhood, found him 70 years after being used and tortured. Steve saved him from the claws of Hydra and gave him the opportunity to gain back his own self, to finally give his life meaning again.

His life changed drastically when he joined the Avengers, he could use his unrequired skills to help people, to save lives. He had his closest friends, Steve of course, Sam, Nat and then he met you. Once he was able to recover almost all his memories, he had a long heartfelt conversation with Natasha since she had suffered in similar ways. The brainwashing, the body killing training, the horrors of the Cold War and the cruelty of the Red Room.

You and Nat were inseparable, both becoming SHIELD agents the same year. You were a freelance hitwoman, both of your missions were to kill the same target. But before you could kill each other, SHIELD stepped in and rescued both of you, seeing your potential and the ability to do the missions other agents weren’t able to. When Bucky first came to the compound, you were away because your last mission went badly and it almost killed you, so Fury and Steve decided it was better for you to lay low for a while. Months went by and Bucky’s curiosity only grew, he really wanted to meet you, since everyone talked about you like you were an angel. When the time came to finally meet you, everything he ever heard about you was not nearly accurate to him. You were as much of a mystery as Nat, but unlike her, you opened up to him fastly, trusting him blindly. You both held each other on your worst nights and were also there for the other when you needed a good laugh.

You could have never imagined that the infamous Winter Soldier could be such an absolute dork with such a pure heart and soul. At first he was a bit sulky and moody, he was like a ghost around the compound, but months of therapy and help from his friends turned him into the man he was today, the man you loved deeply, even though you lied to yourself trying to make it seem like a platonic feeling. For years you remained as best friends, until the masquerade ball Tony organized for Natasha’s birthday.

“So, what are your plans for the party?” You asked Bucky nonchalantly while you looked for costume designers online. He looked up from his book and shrugged, he really didn’t know what you meant but he knew you would elaborate. You closed your laptop and placed it on your nightstand, all your attention on your friend now. You laid across the bed, resting your head on his lap. You were staring at the ceiling so you totally missed Bucky’s adoring gaze.

“Well, apart from getting hammered with Thor’s Asgardian alcohol, I don’t really know.” You rolled your eyes internally at his comment. You laid on your stomach so you could face him, your chin resting on your hands on top of his chest.

“Obviously you are doing that, but it’s not what I meant.” Bucky chuckled and you rolled your eyes. You weren’t sure about asking him to be your partner, maybe he was planning on going with someone else, maybe he wanted to go on his own. You cleared your throat while reaching out to fiddle with the laces of his hoodie nervously.

“Are you going with someone?” He frowned, realizing that you didn’t assume (like he did) that you were going together. Maybe you were planning to go with a date? He knew it had been more than a year since you had dated someone so maybe you wanted to use the party as an excuse to do so?

“What you mean with someone? I d-”

“You should ask Sarah from Forensics, I’ve heard she has a huge crush on you. She’s sooo soft and pretty. I have her number if you wa-”

“Okay, Y/n stop right there. I am not going with Sarah or with anyone else but you.” His eyes widened at his own boldness but he quickly found a logical explanation.

“I mean, we always go together to this kind of shitty parties we both dread. But if you are going with someone else is fine.”

“Yeah, yeah I just thought that maybe you wanted to go with an actual date and not your best friend.” He tousled your hair and you whined jokingly. He mumbled “dork” and you stuck your tongue out.

“My best friend is pretty cool and when she gets drunk the party starts, so I am not missing that for Sarah from Forensics.”

“Oh god James, and I am the dork? You absolute dumbass.” You shook your head in amusement and sat on the bed, putting your disheveled hair in a low ponytail. You slapped him lightly on the right shoulder and got down of the bed, gathering your stuff.

“I can’t stand to see that beautiful stupid face right now, I have to look for a fucking dress. You better wear something in dark red cause, you know it-”

“it’s my color” he mocked you using a high pitched tone of voice and laughed at the face of disgust you jokingly pulled off.

“Fuck you.”

“Why don’t you f-” His sentence was cut off by the bang of his door closing but you already knew what he said. You rolled your eyes and made your way to Nat’s room since you needed to organize shopping days and all that stuff.

Bucky Barnes was a dancer and fortunately he still had some moves, but waltzing was out of his league. He knew what a masquerade was of course, so the fact that he had to learn how to dance a completely different style was...frightening to say the least. He talked about it with Steve so they both were headed now to a masterclass while their dates were out shopping. Nat had asked Steve as her date because she wanted to go with his best friend. Their friendship was the most platonic you’ve ever seen and watching them flirt and banter was the highlight of your days. Nat was a fantastic dancer of course, she used to be a fucking ballerina, so she offered to teach you some moves. She was the only one who actually knew your feelings towards Bucky because you had confessed them one night you had drank your weight in vodka and when you saw Bucky’s text asking you to please be careful, you laughed and told her. You didn’t remember that conversation and when Natasha tried to ask you, she realized she shouldn’t bring up the topic until you were ready to believe it yourself.

“Ooof Nat, should I really buy this expensive dress?” You asked her while checking yourself out in the mirror. The dress was absolutely stunning, made of a dark red taffeta or a similar material, short sleeved and a beautiful v-neck, not very revealing but enough to make your babies pop. The bodice hugged your curves and the skirt was puffy.

“Listen, Stark is paying for everything, that includes our dresses. So yes, you are going to buy it.” She stood up and lead you back to the changing room so she could purchase both of your dresses.

Steve sighed heavily at Bucky’s complaints. They’d been dancing for four hours straight and they weren’t getting any better, or at least that’s what they thought. Bucky really couldn’t believe he had been dragged into this mess just because he loved getting drunk with you under any circumstances.

“Come on Buck, don’t worry. You two will probably be too drunk to even stand, why bother so much in learning this shit?” Bucky rolled his eyes and nudged his friend on the shoulder.

“Listen pal, I wanna do this right. You know how much I love dancing so this is just an excuse to learn something new.” He could almost believe his own lie, but Steve knew better. He knew Bucky better than himself, so he obviously knew the unspoken thing that was going on between two of his best friends.

“Okay buddy, whatever you say. I just hope Y/n appreciates all this instead of laughing at you like Sam and Nat are probably going to do.” He muttered something to himself and left the room without saying a word.

“Fucking idiots, I hope they fuck soon.” Steve said to himself before turning around and smiling at the dance teacher.

“Let’s do this Janet, I have a very dangerous woman to impress tonight.”

“I really, really, really, really regret the day I gave you access to come into my room whenever you want to.” You told Bucky, who was laying on your bed on his stomach, his face buried in the pillows. You slumped next to him and buried your face in the pillows as well. You really thought you looked like idiots but you couldn’t care less.

“Can we stay here? We can watch one of those victorian romantic movies you love and get wasted on our own.”

“You know I would love to, but Nat would kill us. Besides, you hate those movies.”

“I was just trying to persuade you Barnes, you don’t need to be so rude.” You stood up and opened your first drawer, pulling out the two masks you had bought throwing Bucky’s to his head and he responded with a fake “ouch”. He sat on the bed and looked at you amused, the small mask in his hands.

“And you have the nerve to call me rude. I already have my mask and I won’t show it to you until tonight.”

“Wow, sorry for thinking about you and your shitty memory, old man.”

“You know what Y/n? I’ll see you tonight before I throw myself out of that balcony.” You giggled at his fake tantrum. You really loved your friendship with Bucky, because even though you were always joking around each other, you had your backs. He was always there and so were you.

“You want me to walk you to your room?” He frowned at you but his eyes widened when he realized what you were about to say, but you said it before he could cut you off. “In case you don’t remember where your room is at.”

“That was one time Y/n, please let it go.”

“Never.” And with that said, he left. You giggled remembering the first night you two got drunk together. It was the first time Bucky had tried Thor’s alcohol so he was excited to finally get drunk after all those decades. He drank by himself almost three flasks and encouraged you to drink a bottle of vodka on your own, so at 6 am, you were stumbling through your room floor because Bucky had forgotten where his own room was, so he wanted to sleep at yours.

You took a last look at yourself in your mirror and placed the mask in its place. It was a shame that Bucky had decided not to wear the mask you’d bought for him, but his taste was pretty great so you knew it was going to be amazing.

When you reached the party the place was already full of people. Everyone was dancing to the slow melodies or drinking at the bar. You noticed that Tony had removed all the furniture from the room so it looked like a grand dance hall, the usual modern lamps he owned were replaced by huge golden crystal chandeliers, the windows were covered by thick curtains that looked like the ones European palaces had. The cream and golden tones of all the decoration gave a really regal look to the party, the soft glow of the candles in the bar and the sound of champagne glasses relaxed your senses.

You fixed your long silk gloves and sighed, moving through the crowd towards the bar, where Nat stood chatting with who you assumed it was Steve, Sam was behind the counter pouring alcohol to his half empty glass.

“You mind filling this lady’s glass?” Sam smirked and you winked at him. He raised his eyebrow under his cream and red mask and he took out a tall glass.

“What would the lady like to drink?” He rested both of his palms in the counter, looking at you with an amused look in his eyes.

“Vodka on the rocks, s'il vous plait.” You heard Nat choke on her drink and Steve turned to look at you while Sam just poured your drink, a smile playing on his lips.

“Aren’t we starting a bit early, Y/n? Your date is not even here.” You shrugged at Sam’s comment and took the glass when he handed it.

“Since you all seemed so surprised with my drinking choices, I’m going. I need an unjudging friend right now.” You waved your hand gracefully and moved towards the centre, trying to find Bucky. After five minutes and an empty glass, you saw his bulking figure talking to some woman. You needed a moment to gather your thoughts because he looked absolutely sinful with the outfit he was wearing. The black pants marked all his muscles, specially his thighs, those fucking thighs that drove you insane and his ass...you shook your head trying to stop your mind. You needed another drink.

“Wow look who’s back and empty handed!” Steve said to the small group. You nudged him in the ribs and asked Sam for another glass of alcohol.

“Why are you this flustered Y/n?” Nat asked you when she noticed your flushed cheeks. You fixed your mask trying to hide your nervousness and failing miserably.

“I really don’t know what you’re talking about.” Your three friends shared a knowing look and you rolled your eyes, finishing your drink in two sips and encouraged by the burning liquid, you went to where Bucky was. You could now see his whole outfit perfectly and your heart swelled. He was wearing a black ruffled shirt with a black and dark red embroidered vest and a black tail coat. His face was covered by a simple half Venetian mask, decorated with the same colors as the outfit’s. He was chatting with some agent you couldn’t recognize and you felt a pang of jealousy at how he was looking at her, smiling and touching her. At that moment you realized the alcohol was kicking in and that’s why you were having those stupid thoughts. You approached your friend and placed your gloved hand to his shoulder, indicating him that you were besides him and waiting for him to pay attention to you. You catched a part of the conversation and they were talking about one of the last missions the undercover agents did, so after a court nod from Bucky and a brief goodbye from her, his eyes were on you.

“Well, look at you!” He smiled at you warmly and you felt something flip inside you. “How did you recognize me?”

“Oh boy, you can mask that face all you want but you can’t mask those thighs.” You smirked and he started laughing at your comment, making you feel proud of your wittiness.

“How drunk are you already?” You brought your hand up between your bodies and pressed your thumb and index together whispering “a little” so only he could hear it.

“Lucky for you, I drank almost a flask, so that makes us dangerous already. Wanna dance?” He extended his hand and you took it accepting his invitation. You suddenly felt really nervous since it was the first time you were going to slow dance with him but unbeknown to you, Bucky Barnes felt sick due to his nerves. He wanted this to work, he wanted to show you and the world that he was still capable of being a soft person, not this cold calculative soldier with a dark past.

The feeling of his hand on your waist and your other hands intertwined was intoxicating you, your bodies pressed together, the only thing between you two were your clothes. You spinned around the room for what felt like eternity, time for you had stopped and everyone had disappeared.

You burst the small bubble you were both in saying you needed a drink, Bucky stopped swaying you and with your hands still intertwined, went to the empty bar.

“I’ve always loved the Victorian Era, you know?” He said while giving you a glass full of vodka, and took a sip of his flask. “The clothes, the courting, the chivalry and all that fuss.” He smiled sadly at you thinking that you wouldn’t notice.

“If you could, would you go back in time and stay?”

He took another sip, now longer, and shook his head. “Of course not, you wouldn’t be there.” He blurted out without thinking and you just giggled at the comment.

“Oh Barnes, don’t be so dramatic. I’m sure you would make good friends there as well.” You gave him a sincere smile and he shook his head again, taking another sip of the flask, this time a long one. You looked down at your glass and twirled the straw, looking at how the ice cubes collided with each other.

“I love you.” You jerked your head up and maybe it was the alcohol clouding your mind or the denial of your own feelings, but you didn’t notice his intense gaze, filled with love and adoration.

“And I love you too, you idiot. As my best friend, you should know that already.” You placed your lips around the straw and finished the whole drink, Bucky still looking at you shocked that you rejected his feelings without you noticing.

“No, Y/n, what I mean is that I’m-”

“You are what, Barnes?” Nat cut Bucky off and you threw yourself into her arms, kissing her face and wishing her a happy birthday. “I missed you, Nat. Where were you?” You started talking to her totally ignoring your friend, who got that as his cue to leave the party. He would never blame you for not feeling the same or not even noticing his feelings, that was totally on him, but he didn’t feel well enough to stay in the party. He knew you wanted him there, to get drunk together and then both of you ending up throwing up in the sink and the toilet, but tonight he needed to breathe, he needed to get out of the crowd.

“Hey, where is going Bucky?” Asked Steve while he approached Nat and you. You frowned and looked at the entrance, catching a glimpse of Bucky’s broad shoulders and hair leaving the party. “I’ll be back in a sec.” You said and stumbled down the bar stool, heading towards the entrance half running.

“We both know they are not coming back, right?” Steve said to Nat, a strong nod and a sigh answered his comment.

You ran as fast as your drunken state let you but before you could notice you slipped with the dress and fell.

“FUCK” You screamed to the empty hall and took off your heels and gloves, standing up trying not to fall again on your ass. Bucky was nowhere to be seen so you headed to his room, your head spinning due to the alcohol.

“What are you doing here?” Bucky startled you, making you lose balance but he caught you before you could fall again.

“I was just checking that you got to your room safely, since you know, you get lost and all that.” You laughed at his fake hurt expression and straightened your clothes. You noticed that he had taken off his mask and that you were still wearing yours. “Why did you leave?”

“I’m feeling a bit sick, I think I drank too mu-”

“James, if you don’t tell me what the fuck is wrong I’ll torture you until you do. The drinking excuse is the worst you could’ve used with me.”

Bucky sighed defeated, he knew he had to get it off his chest, after three years carrying this on his own, he needed to let the words out, he needed you to know. He reached for the laces of your mask and took it off, placing a strand of hair behind your ear and cupping your cheek.

“I love you, Y/n.” You rolled your eyes in fake annoyance just to mess up with him.

“Baby, we already established that I lov-”

“Y/n, you are not listening. I am in love with you. I want to be your best friend, your lover, your partner in crime and your drunk buddy.”

You stared at him wide eyed, not knowing what to answer or to do. He caressed your cheek with his thumb and you gasped at the feeling, making Bucky think that you were rejecting the act. You stopped him from moving his hand and he leaned in, his lips brushing yours lightly.

“Either you kiss me or I faint, so make a m-” And just like that, his lips crashed against yours with a passion and hunger you’ve never felt in your entire life. He pressed you against the door, the stupid huge dress stopping you from feeling anything. Your brain finally woke up and you realized what was going on. Bucky Barnes loved you, he was in love with you. And you were in love with him. You pulled away and stopped him, making him step backwards scared that he did something you didn’t want to.

“You love me?” You really asked him, thinking that maybe your brain was betraying you. He nodded and looked away, not wanting to see the rejection in your eyes.

“Hey coward, look at me.” You held his chin and forced him to look at you. “I love you too, always have. I was just too damn scared to admit it to even myself.” He smiled and kissed you again, this time slower, pouring every ounce of love he had for you in the kiss.

“What now?” He asked you once he pulled away to breathe. He had his hand on the back of your neck, caressing your skin with his thumb.

“As much as I’d love you to fuck me against every surface on that room, I am drunk and tired and I need to process everything.” He nodded and waited for you to come up with what you wanted to do next. “So you are going to take this dress off me carefully cause I can’t do it on my own and it’s expensive as fuck, you are going to give me one for your shirts and we are sleeping, together.” He nodded again and smiled, leaning in again to give your lips a small peck.

“Consider it done, asshole.”

#vi1khistoricalchallenge #Bucky Barnes #james barnes #james bucky barnes #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #bucky fanfic #bucky barnes fluff #the winter soldier #mutual pining #friends to lovers #best friends to lovers #avengers #the avengers #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n

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son-of-alderaan · 5 years

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There’s a desert valley in southern Jordan called Wadi Rum, or sometimes “the Valley of the Moon.” There are stone inscriptions in Wadi Rum that are more than 2,000 years old. Lawrence of Arabia passed through there during the Arab Revolt against the Ottoman Empire. More recently, J. J. Abrams went there to film parts of the latest Star Wars movie, The Rise of Skywalker, because it’s largely uninhabited and starkly beautiful and looks plausibly alien, and one of the things that has always made the Star Wars movies feel so real—as if they had a real life of their own that continues on out beyond the edges of the screen—is the way they’re shot on location, with as few digital effects as possible. George Lucas shot the Tatooine scenes from A New Hope in southern Tunisia. For Skywalker, it’s Wadi Rum.

They don’t do it that way because it’s easy. Abrams and his crew had to build miles of road into the desert. They basically had to set up a small town out there, populated by the cast and extras and crew—the creature-effects department alone had 70 people. The Jordanian military got involved. The Jordanian royal family got involved. There was sand. There were sandstorms, when all you could do was take cover and huddle in your tent and—if you’re John Boyega, who plays the ex-Stormtrooper Finn—listen to reggae.

But in a way that’s the whole point: you’re out there so the world can get up in your grill and make its presence felt on film. “It’s the things that you can’t anticipate—the imperfections,” says Oscar Isaac, who plays the Resistance pilot Poe Dameron. “It’s very difficult to design imperfection, and the imperfections that you have in these environments immediately create a sense of authenticity. You just believe it more.” When Isaac arrived in Wadi Rum for his first week of shooting, Abrams had set up a massive greenscreen in the middle of the desert. “And I was like, ‘J. J., can I ask you a question? I notice we’re shooting on greenscreen.’ And he’s like, ‘So why the hell are we in the desert?’ And I’m like, ‘Yeah!’ And he said, ‘Well, because look: the way that the sand interacts with the light, and the type of shots you would set up—if you were designing the shot on a computer you would never even think to do that.’ There’s something about the way that the light and the environment and everything plays together.” It’s that something, the presence and the details and the analog imperfections of a real nondigital place, that makes Star Wars so powerful.

It was powerful enough to bring 65,000 people to Chicago in April for Star Wars Celebration, a fan convention where you could see a giant Stormtrooper head made out of 36,440 tiny Lego Stormtrooper mini-figures, which is a world record of some kind, though I’m not sure exactly what, and where people were dressed up as Muppets who were themselves dressed up as Star Wars characters. But the main event was the launch of the trailer for The Rise of Skywalker, which was held in a 10,000-seat arena and was such a big deal that even though the trailer was going to be released on the Internet literally seconds after it was over, I—an at least theoretically respectable member of the media—was not only tagged, wristbanded, escorted, and metal-detected, but sniffed by a K-9 unit before I could go in.

J.J. Abrams, alongside Stunt Coordinator Eunice Huthart, directs the Knights of Ren; elite fearsome enforcers of Kylo Ren’s dark will.

I sat down with Abrams a couple of hours later. For the occasion, he was wearing a suit so black and sharp, he could have been doing Men in Black cosplay, but his most distinctive feature is his dark curly hair, which is upswept in a way that is only slightly suggestive of devil horns. Abrams talks rapidly, as if he can barely keep up with the things his racing brain is telling him to say. When I told him that not only was Star Wars the No. 1 trending topic on Twitter, but that all 10 of the Top 10 trending topics were Star Wars–related, and that he personally was No. 5, he was visibly stunned.

Then he recovered enough to say: “Well, I aspire to No. 4.” (For the record, No. 4 was the late Supreme Leader Snoke, who frankly did seem beatable. If you’re curious, No. 11 was pro golfer Zach Johnson, who had just accidentally hit his ball with a practice swing at the Masters. Life goes on.)

Disney executives talk about how important it is to “event-ize” Star Wars movies; i.e., to make them feel not just like movies but like seriously momentous occasions. They won’t have much trouble with this one: The Rise of Skywalker isn’t just the last movie in the Star Wars trilogy that began in 2015 with The Force Awakens; it’s the last movie in a literal, actual trilogy of trilogies that started with the very first Star Wars movie back in 1977, which began the saga of the Skywalker family. The Rise of Skywalker will finally, after 42 years, bring that saga to an end.

FIRST LOOK Vanity Fair reveals Keri Russell as the masked scoundrel Zorri Bliss, seen in the Thieves’ Quarter of the snow-dusted world Kijimi.

We all thought the story was over in 1983 with Return of the Jedi, and then we really thought it was over in 2005 with Revenge of the Sith. But Star Wars has always been an unruly beast, too big and powerful (and profitable) to be contained in one movie, or even in a trilogy, or even in two trilogies, let alone numberless novels, TV shows, comics, video games, Happy Meals, and so on. Now Abrams has to gather all those threads and bring closure to a story that was started by somebody else, in an America that feels a very long time ago indeed. “That’s the challenge of this movie,” Abrams says. “It wasn’t just to make one film that as a stand-alone experience would be thrilling, and scary, and emotional, and funny, but one that if you were to watch all nine of the films, you’d feel like, Well, of course—that!”

Like a lot of things that we now can’t imagine life without, Star Wars came really close to never happening in the first place. In 1971, Lucas was a serious young auteur just five years out of film school at U.S.C. He had only one full-length movie on his résumé, and that was THX 1138, which is the kind of visionary but grindingly earnest science-fiction epic that only the French could love. (They were pretty much the only ones who did.) Everybody expected Lucas to go on and make serious, gritty 1970s cinema like his peers, Brian De Palma and Francis Ford Coppola. At the time Lucas and Coppola were actively planning a radical epic set in Vietnam with the provocative title Apocalypse Now.

FORCE MAJEURE First Order leaders General Hux (Domhnall Gleeson) and Allegiant General Pryde (Richard E. Grant) on the bridge of Kylo Ren’s destroyer.

But Coppola would have to finish that one on his own, because Lucas went a different way. “I had decided there was no modern mythology,” he said in 1997. “I wanted to take old myths and put them into a new format that young people could relate to. Mythology always existed in unusual, unknown environments, so I chose space.” Lucas tried to acquire the rights to Flash Gordon (that would’ve been a dark timeline indeed), but when he couldn’t, he came up with his own original science-fictional epic instead. He called it The Star Wars. Like The Facebook, it would have to shed a direct article on its way to glory.

Even though American Graffiti had made Lucas a bankable director, Star Wars still came together slowly. In the first draft, Luke was an old man, Leia was 14, and Han Solo was “a huge green-skinned monster with no nose and large gills.” Fox executives were baffled by Star Wars, and they squeezed Lucas relentlessly for time and money. We forget now how jerry-rigged the first movie was: the cantina aliens weren’t finished, and the monumental Star Destroyer that dominates the opening shot is, in reality, about three feet long. The Death Star interior is basically one set re-arranged several different ways. To make Greedo’s mouth move, the woman in the Greedo suit had to hold a clothespin in her mouth. “What I remember about working on the first film,” says John Williams, the legendary soundtrack composer, “is the fact that I didn’t ever think there would be a second film.” (He also, like everybody else, thought Luke and Leia were going to get together, so he wrote them a love theme.)

But wherever real mythology comes from, Lucas had gone there and brought something back alive. People wanted movies that gave them something to believe in instead of relentlessly autopsying the beliefs that had failed them. We’d had enough of antiheroes. We needed some anti-antiheroes. “I realized after THX that people don’t care about how the country’s being ruined,” Lucas said. “We’ve got to regenerate optimism.” Like American Graffiti, Star Wars is a work of profound nostalgia, a post-Vietnam, post-Watergate anthem of longing for the restoration of a true and just power in the universe—the return of the king. And at the same time it’s a very personal hero’s journey, about a boy who must put right the sins of his father and master the strange power he finds within himself, and in doing so become a man.

Star Wars is also an incredibly enduring vision of what it’s like to live in a world of super-advanced technology. Science fiction often ages badly, turning into kitsch or camp—just look at Flash Gordon—but Star Wars hasn’t. More than any filmmaker before him, Lucas successfully imagined what a science-fictional world would feel like to somebody who was actually inside it—which is to say, it would look as ordinary and workaday as the present. He even shot it like it was real, working close-in and mostly eschewing wide establishing shots, more like a documentary or a newsreel than a space opera. “It feels very grounded,” says Naomi Ackie, who’s making her Star Wars debut in Skywalker playing a character named Jannah, about whom she is allowed to say literally nothing. “There’s the kind of spectacular-ness, and the supernatural move-things-with-your-mind magic stuff, but then there’s also this really grounded, rugged nature where everything is distressed and old and kind of worn out and lived-in. And I think playing with those two ideas means that you get this feeling that it could almost be real. Like, in a galaxy far away, it could almost be the case that you could have this.”

When Lucas made the first Star Wars sequel, The Empire Strikes Back, he cheekily labeled it Episode V, then went back and re-labeled the first movie as Episode IV, as if the movies were an old-fashioned serial that the rest of us were all just tuning in to. Around that time, he also started talking about Star Wars as a nine-part epic—so in 2012, when Lucas retired and sold Lucasfilm to Disney, it wasn’t exactly heresy that Disney announced more movies. At the time, Kathleen Kennedy had just been named co-chairperson of Lucasfilm, and she tapped Abrams to direct the first Disney-owned post-Lucas Star Wars movie. It was a bit like saying, Make the lightning strike again, please. Exactly here, if you could. Oh, and could you also earn back that $4 billion we just spent to buy Lucasfilm? (Narrator voice: He could.)

At first blush, Abrams’s debut Star Wars movie, The Force Awakens, looked like an elaborate homage to the original. Just like in A New Hope, there’s a young Force-sensitive person on a poor desert planet—that’s Rey, played by Daisy Ridley—who finds a droid with a secret message that’s vital to the Rebellion (or wait, sorry, it’s the Resistance now). There’s a villain in a black mask, just like Darth Vader, except that it’s his grandson Kylo Ren (Adam Driver), né Ben Solo, son of Han and Leia. Kylo has a planet-killing weapon, much like the Death Star but way bigger, which becomes the target of a desperate attack by Resistance X-wings. There’s even a bar full of aliens.

Abrams also insisted on keeping to the analog aesthetic of the original trilogy: those aliens had to be latex and yak hair, not bits and bytes, and everything possible was shot on location using film cameras, not digital ones. Even Lucas had abandoned that approach by the time he made the second Star Wars trilogy, but many fans consider those movies to be a cautionary tale. “Famously, the prequels were mostly greenscreen environments,” Abrams says. “And that was George himself doing that, and it ended up looking exactly how he wanted it to look—and I always preferred the look of the original movies, because I just remember when you’re in the snow on Hoth, when you’re in the desert on Tatooine, and when you’re in the forests of Endor—it’s amazing. If you put a vaporator here, there, all of a sudden almost any natural location suddenly becomes a Star Wars location.”

But the more interesting thing about The Force Awakens and its successor, The Last Jedi, written and directed by Rian Johnson, was how they subtly complicated Lucas’s vision. Thirty years have gone by since the ending of Return of the Jedi, during which time the newly reborn Republic became complacent and politically stagnant, allowing the rise of the reactionary neo-imperial First Order, whose origins we will learn more about in Skywalker. “It was almost like if the Argentine Nazis had sort of got together and actually started to bring that back in some real form,” Abrams says. Just like that, the rules of the Star Wars universe changed. It wasn’t all over when the Ewoks sang. Obi-Wan Kenobi and all those Bothans had died in vain. Even Han and Leia split up. It’s all a little less of a fairy tale now.

The feather-haired godling Luke suffered the trauma of having a Padawan go bad on his watch. It’s an echo of what happened to his old mentor, Obi-Wan, with Anakin Skywalker, who became Darth Vader. But where Obi-Wan made peace with it, waiting serenely in the desert of Tatooine for the next Chosen One to arrive, Luke’s guilt curdled into shame. He hid himself away, so that his Chosen One, Rey, had to spend most of The Force Awakens searching for him, and then another whole movie convincing him with the help of Yoda’s Force ghost to keep the Jedi Order going at all. Star Wars arrived as an antidote to the disillusionment of the 1970s—but now, in its middle age, Star Wars is grappling with disillusionment of its own.

DESERT POWER Joonas Suotamo (Chewbacca), Ridley, Anthony Daniels (C-3PO), and John Boyega (Finn) await the call to action for a chase scene.

By dint of advanced Sith interrogation techniques, I was able to obtain valuable advance information about The Rise of Skywalker. Here it is: common emblem.

Anthony Daniels, who plays C-3P0, is the only actor who has appeared in all nine movies of the Star Wars triple trilogy, so if anybody’s entitled to leak, it’s him. Daniels says he loved the script for The Rise of Skywalker, but he didn’t get it until the last minute, right before shooting started, and for some reason he just couldn’t memorize his part. “My first line would not go in my head!” he says. In person Daniels is like a C-3P0 whose preferences have been reset to charming and voluble. “The line that I couldn’t say was two words: ‘common emblem.’ Common emblem, common emblem—I would say them thousands of times. My wife would say it back. I just couldn’t say them!”

Fortunately C-3P0’s mouth doesn’t move, so he could add the line in postproduction. Anyway, there’s the big scoop: “common emblem.” I don’t know what it means either. (Also I 100 percent guarantee that they will change the line before the movie comes out so that this scoop will end up being fake news.) Daniels also told me that C-3P0 does something in this movie that surprises everybody—but he wouldn’t say what. “He keeps his clothes on. It’s not like he suddenly does this thing, but …”

The only other member of the old guard on the set this time was Billy Dee Williams, who plays the charismatic Lando Calrissian. At 82, Williams has lost none of his roguish charm, but now it comes wrapped in a kind of magisterial dignity. People tend to remember Lando for the deal he cut with Vader in The Empire Strikes Back, rather than for his redemptive comeback in Return of the Jedi, and Williams appears to have spent the last 45 years defending him. “He’s a survivor. It’s expediency for him,” Williams says. “You know, he was thrown into a situation which he didn’t look for and he had to try to figure out how to deal with an entity which is more than just a human.” And, he adds, with the weary air of somebody who has spent way too much time justifying the behavior of a fictional character, “nobody died!”

HOT TAKE Members of the crew shade and shine Daniels, the only cast member to appear in all nine of the Skywalker films, while BB-8 looks on.

Chewbacca is still here, too, but it’s not the same man in the suit. The original actor was Peter Mayhew, a seven-foot-three-inch gentle giant who was working as a hospital orderly in London when Lucas cast him in the first movie. Mayhew retired after The Force Awakens, and he died on April 30 at 74. His replacement is Joonas Suotamo, a fresh-faced former professional basketball player from Finland who always wanted to be an actor but was hard to cast because he’s six feet 11 inches tall. “When I first met [Mayhew] he told me I was a wee bit too skinny,” Suotamo says. “But we also had a Wookiee boot camp, which lasted for a week. He told me all kinds of things about the moves that Chewbacca does, how they came to be and his reasoning behind them.” Suotamo has now played Chewbacca in four movies and enjoys it about as much as I’ve ever seen anybody enjoy anything. “It’s very much like silent-era film, with Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin,” he says. “He’s a mime character and that’s what he does, and I guess in that minimalism comes the beauty of the character.”

Other things we know about Skywalker: We can safely assume that the Resistance and the First Order are headed toward a final smash, which will be a heavy lift for the good guys because, at the end of The Last Jedi, the Resistance was down, way down, to a double handful of survivors. They’ll face a First Order who suffered a stinging but largely symbolic loss at the Battle of Crait, and who, I feel confident, have learned something from the previous eight movies. The Empire built and lost two Death Stars. The First Order has already lost one super-weapon in The Force Awakens. Presumably it won’t make the same mistake twice, twice.

But the stakes go even higher than that, cosmically high. Sources close to the movie say that Skywalker will at long last bring to a climax the millennia-long conflict between the Jedi Order and its dark shadow, the Sith.

HORSING AROUND Finn and new ally Jannah (Naomi Ackie), atop hardy orbaks, lead the charge against the mechanized forces of the First Order. “It’s extremely surreal to be in it,” says Ackie, “and see how it works from the inside.”

STAR CROSSED Kylo Ren (Adam Driver) and Rey battle it out with lightsabers in a stormy confrontation. Their Force-connection—what Driver calls their “maybe-bond”—will turn out to run even deeper than previously revealed.

The hottest area for speculation, however, is the identity of the titular Skywalker, because at this point there aren’t many Skywalkers left to rise. One is General Organa, the former Princess Leia, Luke’s sister—but Carrie Fisher, who plays her, passed away in 2016. That was a deeply painful loss for Abrams personally, but it also presented him with an impossible choice as a filmmaker. He needed Leia to tell the story, but Abrams didn’t feel like a digital Carrie Fisher could do the job, and there was no way Lucasfilm was going to re-cast the role.

But then a strange thing happened. Abrams remembered that there was some footage of Fisher left over from The Force Awakens, scenes that had been changed or cut entirely, and he dug them up. “It’s hard to even talk about it without sounding like I’m being some kind of cosmic spiritual goofball,” Abrams says, “but it felt like we suddenly had found the impossible answer to the impossible question.” He started to write scenes around the old footage, fitting Leia’s dialogue into new contexts. He re-created the lighting to match the way Fisher had been lit. Bit by bit, she found her place in the new movie. “It was a bizarre kind of left side/right side of the brain sort of Venn diagram thing, of figuring out how to create the puzzle based on the pieces we had.” Fisher’s daughter, Billie Lourd, appears in the movies as a Resistance officer named Lieutenant Connix, and at first Abrams deliberately wrote her out of the scenes in case it was too painful—but Lourd said no, she wanted to be in them. “And so, there are moments where they’re talking; there are moments where they’re touching,” Abrams says. “There are moments in this movie where Carrie is there, and I really do feel there is an element of the uncanny, spiritual, you know, classic Carrie, that it would have happened this way, because somehow it worked. And I never thought it would.”

The only other member of the surviving Skywalker bloodline—that we know of!—is Leia’s son and Luke’s former Padawan, the fallen Jedi Kylo Ren. Kylo probably isn’t capable of actual happiness, but things are definitely looking up for him: by the end of The Last Jedi he has taken control of the First Order and killed or at least outlived his actual father and both of his symbolic fathers-in-art, Luke and Supreme Leader Snoke. Sources at Disney also confirm that his long-rumored Knights of Ren will finally arrive in Skywalker. “And then he had been forging this maybe-bond with Rey,” Driver says, “and it kind of ends with the question in the air: is he going to pursue that relationship, or when the door of her ship goes up, does that also close that camaraderie that they were maybe forming?”

SANDBLAST Camera operator Colin Anderson readies a take for a chase sequence spotlighting the heroics of Chewbacca, BB-8, and Rey.

Darkness in the Star Wars movies tends to come from fear: for Anakin Skywalker, Kylo’s grandfather, it was his fear of losing his mother and his wife. After two movies it’s still not so easy to say exactly what Kylo Ren himself fears, even though he’s as operatically emo as Vader was stoic. He’s fixated on the past—he made a shrine to his own grandfather—but at the same time the past torments him. “Let the past die,” he tells Rey in The Last Jedi. “Kill it, if you have to. That’s the only way to become what you are meant to be.”

Presumably whatever’s eating at Kylo started in his childhood: maybe being the kid of literally the two coolest people in the galaxy isn’t as fun as it sounds. Driver—who has obviously thought this through with a lot of rigor—points out that, as cool as they are, Han and Leia are both obsessively committed to lifestyles (smuggling, rebelling) that don’t leave much room for kids. He also points out that, unlike Luke and Rey, Kylo never got to go on a nifty voyage of self-discovery. Instead he grew up under the crushing pressure of massive expectations. “How do you form friendships out of that?” Driver says. “How do you understand the weight of that? And if there’s no one around you guiding you, or articulating things the right way … it can easily go awry.” By the emotional logic that governs the Star Wars universe—and also our own—Kylo Ren is going to have to confront the past, and his fears, whatever they are, or be destroyed by them.

Where Lucas’s trilogies tended to follow the roots and branches of the Skywalker family tree—their personal saga was the saga of the galaxy writ small—the new movies have a slightly wider aperture and take in a new generation of heroes. There’s Rey, of course, who sources say will have progressed in her training since the end of The Last Jedi to the point where it’s almost complete. With that taken care of, all she has to do is reconstitute the entire Jedi Order from scratch, because as far as we know she’s the Last One.

If Kylo Ren can’t be redeemed it will almost certainly fall to Rey to put him down, in spite of their maybe-bond. Their relationship is the closest thing the new trilogy has to a star-crossed love story on the order of Han and Leia: a source close to the movie says that their Force-connection will turn out to run even deeper than we thought. They’re uniquely suited to understand each other, but at the same time they are in every way each other’s inverse, down to Kylo’s perverse rejection of his family, which is the one thing Rey craves most. “I think there’s a part of Rey that’s like, dude, you fucking had it all, you had it all,” Ridley says. “That was always a big question during filming: you had it all and you let it go.”

PUNCH IT! In a historic reunion, Lando Calrissian (Billy Dee Williams) retakes the helm of the Millennium Falcon, joined by Poe Dameron (Oscar Isaac), Chewbacca, D-O, and BB-8. “He’s a survivor,” Williams says of Lando.

Rey is also, according to totally unsubstantiated Internet theories, a leading candidate to be the Skywalker of the title, pending some kind of head-snapping reveal about her ancestry. (For the record, the other leading unsubstantiated Internet theory has the “Skywalker” of the title referring to an entirely new order of Force users who will rise up and replace the Jedi.)

Rey seems ready for it all, or as ready as anybody could be. “It’s nice having that shot at the beginning of the teaser,” Ridley says, over avocado toast at a fancy Chicago hotel, “because I think it’s quite a good visual representation of where she is now: confident, calm, less fearful.… It’s still sort of overwhelming, but in a different way. It feels more right—less like inevitable and more like there’s a focus to the journey.” Focus is a good word for Rey: on-screen Ridley’s dramatic eyebrows form a wickedly sharp arrow of concentration. I asked Ridley what she’s thinking about when Rey is using her Force powers, and it turns out Rey seems focused because Ridley is actually seriously focused. “I literally visualize it. When I was lifting rocks I was visualizing the rocks moving. And then I was like, Oh, my God, I made it happen! And obviously there’s loads of rocks on strings, so, no, I didn’t. But I visualize that it’s really going on.” (That scene, which comes at the end of The Last Jedi, is another example of classic nondigital Star Wars effects: those were real rocks. “It was actually really amazing,” Ridley says. “It was sort of like a baby mobile.”)

There’s also Finn, the apostate Stormtrooper, played by the irrepressible Boyega, who in person practically vibrates with energy and speaks with a South London accent very different from Finn’s American one. In some ways Finn has gone through a complete character arc already: he confronted his past—by beating down his old boss, Captain Phasma—and found his courage and his moral center. He has had a tendency to panic, if not actively desert, in clutch situations, but at the Battle of Crait he proved that he was past that. “I think he’s just an active member of the Resistance now,” Boyega says. “Episode Eight, he couldn’t decide what team he was fighting for. But since then he’s made a clear decision.” (Cast members tend to refer to the Star Wars movies by their episode numbers: four is the original movie, seven is The Force Awakens, and so on.)

Finn still has to make a clear decision about his romantic situation, though. As Boyega put it at Star Wars Celebration: “Finn is single and willing to mingle!” The movies have been teasing his emotional connections with both Rey and the Resistance mechanic Rose Tico, played by Kelly Marie Tran, with whom he shared a fleeting battlefield kiss in The Last Jedi. Rose seems like the more positive choice, given that she stops Finn from deserting early in the movie and saves his life at the Battle of Crait, and that the precedents for romantic involvements with Jedi are extremely bad. Tran is the first Asian-American woman to play a major role in a Star Wars movie, and she has been the target of both racist and sexist attacks online. But she has come through them as a fan favorite: when she appeared onstage in Chicago, she got a standing ovation.

Finally there’s Poe, who has mostly struggled with his own cocky impulsiveness, because he’s a loose-cannon-who-just-can’t-play-by-the-rules. Poe will have to step up and become a leader, because the Resistance is seriously short on officer material. In fact, some of that transformation will already have happened where The Rise of Skywalker picks up, which is about a year after the end of The Last Jedi. “There has been a bit of shared history that you haven’t seen,” Isaac says. “Whereas in the other films, Poe is this kind of lone wolf, now he’s really part of a group. They’re going out and going on missions and have a much more familiar dynamic now.” Star Wars has always been about friendship as much as it is about romance, and as of the end of The Last Jedi, Rey, Finn, and Poe are all finally in the same place for the first time since The Force Awakens.

The Rise of Skywalker introduces some new players, too. There’s a tiny one-wheeled droid called D-O and a large banana-slug alien named Klaud. Oh, and Naomi Ackie, Keri Russell, and Richard E. Grant have all joined the cast, though, again, we know practically nothing about who they’re playing. Going from being outside the Star Wars leviathan to being right in its belly can be a dizzying experience for a first-timer. “I actually tried to do this thing while we were filming,” Ackie says, “where I’d go one day, walking through London without seeing a Star Wars reference somewhere. And you can’t do it. You really can’t. So it’s extremely surreal to be in it and see how it works from the inside.

WELL MET Jordanian locals play the Aki-Aki, natives of the planet Pasaana.

If anything, Star Wars is only getting more omnipresent. The franchise under Lucas was a colossus, but he still ran it essentially as a private concern. He could make movies or not, as his muse dictated—he was beholden to no shareholders. But Star Wars under Disney makes the old Star Wars look positively quaint. Between 1977 and 2005, Lucasfilm released six Star Wars movies; when Skywalker premieres in December, Disney will have released five Star Wars movies in five years. “I think there is a larger expectation that Disney has,” Kennedy says. “On the other hand, though, I think that Disney is very respectful of what this is, and right from the beginning we talked about the fragility of this form of storytelling. Because it’s something that means so much to fans that you can’t turn this into some kind of factory approach. You can’t even do what Marvel does, necessarily, where you pick characters and build new franchises around those characters. This needs to evolve differently.”

A useful example of that fragility might be the relatively modest performance of Solo: A Star Wars Story in 2018. Solo was a perfectly good Star Wars movie that has made almost $400 million worldwide—but it’s also, according to industry estimates, the first one to actually lose money. In response Disney has gently but firmly pumped the brakes: the first movie in the next Star Wars trilogy, which will be helmed by David Benioff and D. B. Weiss, the duo behind Game of Thrones, won’t arrive till Christmas of 2022, with further installments every other year after that. There’s no official word as to what stories they’ll tell, or when a second trilogy being developed by Rian Johnson will appear.

But even as the movies pause, Star Wars continues to colonize any and all other media. In addition to video games, comics, novels, cartoons, container-loads of merch, etc., there are not one but two live-action TV series in the pipeline for Disney+, Disney’s new streaming service: The Mandalorian, created by Jon Favreau, and an as-yet-untitled show about Cassian Andor from Rogue One. I have personally tried a virtual-reality experience called Vader Immortal,written and produced by Dark Knight screenwriter David Goyer. At the end of May, Disneyland will open Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge, a massive, 14-acre, $1 billion attraction where you can fly the Millennium Falcon, be captured by the First Order, and drink a blue milk cocktail (it’s actually nondairy) and Coca-Cola products out of exclusive BB-8-shaped bottles at the cantina. It’s the largest single-theme expansion in the park’s history: Take that, Toy Story Land. The Disney World version will open in August.

You realize now that, under Lucas, Star Wars always slightly had the brakes on—we were always kept a little starved for product. With Disney driving, we’ll really find out how big Star Wars can get.

ENCORE Composer John Williams conducting the Star Wars score, drawing on themes and motifs he has woven across four decades. “I didn’t think there would ever be a second film,” he says.

When people talk about the new Star Wars movies, they tend to talk about how faithful they are to the originals. What’s harder to say is how exactly the new films are different—how movies like Skywalker keep their connection to the past while at the same time finding a way to belong to the world of 2019. Because regardless of whether or not Star Wars has changed since 1977, the world around it has, profoundly. “There’s a loss of innocence, a sense of innocence that existed in the 70s that I don’t think to any extent exists today,” Kennedy says. “I think that has to permeate the storytelling and the reaction to the stories and how they’re set up. It has to feel differently because we’re different.”

We know things, as a people and as an audience, that we didn’t know back then. For example: back then it felt sort of O.K. to like Darth Vader, because even though he was evil he was also incredibly cool, and the kind of fascism he represented felt like a bogeyman from the distant past. But now fascism is rising again, which makes the whole First Order subplot look super-prescient, but it also reminds us that fascism is not even slightly cool in real life. “Evil needs to feel and look very real,” Kennedy says, “and what that means today may not be as black-and-white as it might have been in 1977, coming off a kind of World War II sensibility.” In the Star Wars–verse, Dark and Light are supposed to balance each other, but in the real world they just mix together into a hopelessly foggy, morally ambiguous gray.

But the changes are liberating too. Star Wars doesn’t have to stay frozen in time; if anything it’s the opposite, if it doesn’t change it’ll die. It will turn into Flash Gordon. For Abrams, that means he can’t go through this process so haunted by the ghost of George Lucas (who is of course still alive, but you get what I’m saying) that he winds up doing a cinematic Lucas impression. At some point Abrams has to let Abrams be Abrams.

The Rise of Skywalker might be that point. “Working on nine, I found myself approaching it slightly differently,” he says. “Which is to say that, on seven, I felt beholden to Star Wars in a way that was interesting—I was doing what to the best of my ability I felt Star Wars should be.” But this time something changed. Abrams found himself making different choices—for the camera angles, the lighting, the story. “It felt slightly more renegade; it felt slightly more like, you know, Fuck it, I’m going to do the thing that feels right because it does, not because it adheres to something.”

There are a lot of small subtle ways that Abrams’s Star Wars is different from Lucas’s, but if there’s a standout, it’s the way that the new movies look at history. Lucas’s Star Wars movies are bathed in the deep golden-sunset glow of the idyllic Old Republic, that more civilized age—but the new movies aren’t like that. They’re not nostalgic. They don’t long for the past; they’re more about the promise of the future. “This trilogy is about this young generation, this new generation, having to deal with all the debt that has come before,” Abrams says. “And it’s the sins of the father, and it’s the wisdom and the accomplishments of those who did great things, but it’s also those who committed atrocities, and the idea that this group is up against this unspeakable evil and are they prepared? Are they ready? What have they learned from before? It’s less about grandeur. It’s less about restoring an old age. It’s more about preserving a sense of freedom and not being one of the oppressed.”

FROM THE ASHES Mark Hamill, as Luke, with R2-D2. Speculation is rampant about who will “rise” as the Skywalker of the movie’s title—and how that choice will reflect the way the world has changed since Star Wars debuted in 1977.

The new generation doesn’t have that same connection to the old days that Luke and Leia did. It’s not like their parents destroyed the Old Republic. We don’t even know who their parents were! They’re too young to remember the Empire. They’re just here to clean up the mess they got left with, the disastrous consequences of bad decisions made by earlier generations, and try to survive long enough to see the future. Is any of this resonating with 2019? Might there possibly be a generation around here somewhere that’s worried about the consequences of its own decisions for the future? Star Wars has never been and probably never should be a vehicle for political arguments, but to paraphrase Ursula Le Guin, great science fiction is never really about the future. It’s about the present.

You could even—if you’re into that kind of thing—imagine the story of the new Star Wars trilogy as a metaphor for the making of the new Star Wars trilogy. In fact, I was totally prepared—because I am into that kind of thing!—to try to push this overthought metafictional hot take onto Abrams … but I didn’t have to. Abrams got there ahead of me. “The idea of the movie is kind of how I felt going into the movie as a filmmaker,” he says, “which is to say that I’ve inherited all this stuff, great stuff, and good wisdom, and the good and the bad, and it’s all coming to this end, and the question is, do we have what it takes to succeed?”

Kylo Ren has it all wrong: you can’t bring back the past and become your own grandfather, and you can’t kill the past, either. All you can do is make your peace with it and learn from it and move on. Abrams is doing that with Star Wars—and meanwhile the Resistance is going to have to do that, too, if they really are going to bring this saga to an end. Because we’ve been here before, watching a band of scrappy rebels take down a technofascist empire, and it seemed to work fine at the time—but it didn’t last. The same goes for the Jedi and their struggle with the Sith. To end this story, really end it, they’re going to have to figure out the conditions of a more permanent victory over the forces of darkness. Their past was imperfect at best, and the present is a complete disaster—but the future is all before them. This time, finally, they’re going to get it right.

#star wars tros #the rise of skywalker #vanity fair #long post

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acrobaticcatfeline · 5 years

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Logan and His Little Bumble Bee (Single Dads AU) Chapter 2!!!

Word Count: 5924

TW: Ok geez, so Logan outright hates his ex, hes pan, abuse, cheating, drugs, abandonment, smoking, mental disorder, neglect, swearing, uhhhh I think that’s all. Let me know if I missed something!

Notes: First chapter here!!! I’m so tired guys. I’m so tired of everything and this was the best de-stress I’ve had in forever. I’m glad to be done with this part, I probably wont have time to write for real until summer. I have like 6 more weeks of school then comic con and then I go to my moms so I’ll probably write while I’m there. I love these boys and I’m glad you all enjoyed it, and I hope you enjoy this part just as much!!!

Pairings: logicality, past Logan and OC (her name Mercedes and I hate her a lot), familial logince, familial moxiety, platonic prinxiety

Summary: “DAD!!! VIRGIL WANTS TO HANG OUT AT THE PARK CAN WE GO???” It’s been 9 years. Yeah yeah what a time skip!!! It’s Roman’s 11th birthday, and he has to have dinner with his mother. We already know he has a large distaste for his mother. Logan is weighing the pros and cons of trying to keep his ex in their life, neither of them like her but it’s healthy for Roman to have her around isn’t it? He makes a big decisions and mistakes, but you know, it ends well in the end doesn’t it. I mean, this is a fluffy fic.

“DAD!!! VIRGIL WANTS TO HANG OUT AT THE PARK CAN WE GO???”

Logan sanders was tired. Yes still, we haven’t jumped that far yet! His son Roman, 11 years old today was as talkative as ever. He was in 5th grade now and he had made more friends and proved to learn words very quickly. In fact, Roman had been put into the honor program at his school and was excelling in all his classes, and to Logan’s surprise and delight, he enjoyed them all too. Roman would come home from school and do his math and science homework and would do his English homework with Logan when he had the time. Logan would have to hold his tongue when Roman told him about what he learned in history, he wouldn’t tell him just how horribly biased the information he was getting was until he was older. He still stayed friends with Virgil, as they went to the same school, but that also meant Logan has had to continue to keep his cool around Patton, who has only gotten more attractive in the past 9 years. And yes, he still hasn’t said anything about his affections, listen, he’s nervous and what if he says no it would ruin their relationship and then Roman would hate him for making him not able to spend time with his best friend and he can’t do it. I mean Roman already had trust issues with his mother he couldn’t do that to him.

Speaking of his mother…

“sure Ro, but remember your mom wants to come over and celebrate your birthday ok? We can’t be out too long, she’ll be here by 8 and its 4 right now. Grab your phone and we’ll go ok?”

“oh yeah. I guess… yeah I’ll be right back.”

Logan hated how deflated Roman got whenever his mom was brought up. He had tried, he tried so desperately to repair what she had broken with him, but he had no clue what had happened and as such couldn’t even begin. His ex had started making an effort supposedly, almost immediately making an appearance to attempt to fix what was broken.

She failed. Roman refused to visit her alone, he wouldn’t stay at her place for a weekend, he would almost go into a panic attack if Logan had asked her to babysit, causing him to find a way to cancel it every time. He hated that his ex had ruined her relationship with him so badly. He was desperate to give Roman a good family, but he constantly wanted to strangle her. She was just… so insensitive! He would get things for Roman that Roman hated, or something that Logan expressly said Roman wasn’t allowed to have, and directly going against his wishes as his caretaker. She would bring noisemakers, leading Roman to be infinitely noisier, and what person gifts a kazoo to a 10-year-old whose dad still got little to no sleep? Either way, it would be… cruel, to keep Roman’s mother from seeing him on his birthday, especially since she had put forth the effort. So here he was, forcing himself and his son to go through the interaction. At least he would be able to commiserate with Patton. That would give him the energy to get through dinner with her. Roman ran around the corner in his star fire teen titan’s black t-shirt and jeans.

Logan smiled at his son and ruffled his hair as they headed out to the park. He was especially proud of himself for raising his son without the idiotic idea of gender roles. Sure, Roman loved iron man and captain America, but his favorite superheroes had been wonder woman and star fire ever since he had started watching tv or reading comics. When Roman took a liking to star fire from the teen titans’ cartoon, Logan had taken him to the local comic book store and had bought the first 5 issues of the new teen titans comics, having done the research to ensure he got the right thing.

They walked to the park, and as soon as they got within distance, Roman took off running, already seeing Virgil. Logan chuckled, and continued walking. When he caught up Roman was clinging to Virgil who was laughing loudly. He approached Patton with a smile, and Patton held up a bag with a gentle smile.

“Virge said it was Ro’s birthday, so we got him a little something. I imagine once he can stop laughing, he’ll tell him. How are things lo?”

“oh geez, you didn’t have to, he’s spoiled rotten by you guys enough on every normal day.”

“nonsense!!!”

“heh, anyways, things are… tense. Mercedes wanted to come over and celebrate Roman’s birthday, and Roman is… less than excited to say the least.”

“oh gosh, that sounds like a time. Hopefully things are ok?”

“hopefully. I have a strong feeling she’s going to start an argument with me about how she should have custody if I’m not in a relationship because its detrimental or something idiotic, which you know I think is funny considering that Roman literally gains symptoms of anxiety and ptsd when around her, as well as the fact that I am a medical professional who works with children in actual detriment for half of my work days. Besides, even if Roman did want to live with her I wouldn’t be able to let him be there with her new boyfriend. I’m at least 70% sure that on top of his addiction to cigarettes he’s a drug addict, and I’m not putting my son in that situation. Oh, sorry that was, word vomit I apologize.”

“no no don’t worry about it, you have valid concerns and emotions. Its better for you to talk about it now instead of blowing up at her, if not for your sake, for Roman’s.”

Logan smiled and nodded. He often forgot that Patton was a therapist and had similar training in psychology. He looked over to see Virgil and Roman running over, Roman directly at him, and steadied himself for the incoming impact. Roman launched himself at him and Logan caught him and dispersed the energy towards him by spinning the boy in a circle. He lifted him higher with a smile.

“is this my little bumble bee? Hmm, I don’t know, my bumble bee giggles when I do… this!”

Logan flipped the boy upside down and Roman squealed with laughter. He put him back down and Roman surged forward again to give him a hug. Roman looked up at him with a big toothy grin and if there had been a piece of his heart that hadn’t yet melted from that little smile, it didn’t survive much longer. He smiled back and nodded his head in the direction of Patton and Virgil.

“I hear vee and pat got you a birthday present, you wanna go thank them and open it?”

Roman’s face lit up brightly and he nodded. He thanked the other two profusely and gave them big hugs and went to open the gift. He gasped loudly and showed Logan the contents, being a video camera, a set of big headphones and an adult coloring book, one of the few Roman hadn’t gotten yet. Logan smiled gently and silently thanked Patton for the gift, Roman had a tendency to break earbuds quickly, and would play his music on his phone very loudly. It was a much-needed expense that Logan hadn’t been able to get yet.

“you remember the rules with that right bee?”

Logan doesn’t have to elaborate, Roman nods firmly, pulling the red beatz headphones out and putting them on. He smiles even wider than before and launches into a hug for Virgil and Patton. Logan grabs the book and camera and smile at the 3. What he wouldn’t give for this picture to be a constant, where the 4 were simply happy in each other’s presence.

“remember Ro, we only have a few hours, we need to make the house presentable.”

There was tenseness in Roman’s shoulders at the reminder, and god he wished he could cancel, could tell her off, could keep her away from Roman but he had no proof, no evidence, that anything had ever happened, only the few things Roman had told him which essentially added up to ‘moms not here’ and while that could be from neglect or trauma, it could also just be that he was stating the fact of the moment. He had no way of knowing and Roman may not even have those memories stored. Regardless, they had to meet her, or she would try to press charges. And even if he would win, he didn’t have the time or money to deal with it.

Roman and Virgil played for hours, and Logan just talked with Patton until they had to leave. Roma was immediately uncomfortable as soon as they started walking home, and Logan hated it passionately. They cleaned a bit and Roman insisted he had to change. He came back down in a black long sleeve shirt and a white avengers t-shirt over it. He didn’t look comfortable, actively making himself look small, and he looked unhappy. Oh geez, how could he let this happen to him? He had a right to tell his ex off, to keep her from seeing him, she had formally signed over full custody when she first dropped Roman off, he had the right to keeping her out of his sons’ life, especially when her presence caused the poor boy so much stress.

That’s it. This is the last time. If Roman ever wants to spend time with her he will let him of course, but at the moment she was damaging Roman just by being brought up. He would tell her after Roman went to bed. If she had a problem, she could figure it out. She was… as Roman had put it years ago, bad. Plus, she had been a huge drain on his life as well. If he never saw her again it would be too soon…

Knock knock

Speak of the devil and she shall appear…

“hello Mercy, please come in!”

Please leave and never come back you spineless wretched bi-

“why thank you Logan! Roman!!! I’m glad I get to see you again!!! Happy birthday kiddo, I have a gift for you!!!”

I bet it’s a gift card to an adult shop, you have no tact you wicked monstrous ba-

“oh! Um, yay! Dad made dinner, do you want some pasta Mercy?”

And there was a look shared between the adults, an accusing one that made him out to be a tactless a- uh, jerk… who never referred to her as Roman’s mother as if that was the case… how dare she imply, assume that he would stoop to her standards.

“oh yes please Ro! I would love some!”

Roman gave Logan a look and Logan gave a small nod before Roman dashed into the kitchen. Mercy gave Logan another angry look as Roman rounded the corner, speaking in a hushed tone.

“so, I see you truly haven’t taught him to respect his mom?”

“I do my best to keep my disdain for you under wraps, so he doesn’t see it. Either way I rarely refer to you as anything other than his mom regardless of how little you deserve to be referred to as such.”

“oh yeah well it seems you’ve failed. I was so much more successful taking care of him you really should relinquish custody to me”

“listen if you want to have this pointless conversation again it can wait until Roman goes to sleep. I would prefer not screaming at you while my son is just around the corner.”

“oh woe, however could you let MY son see you being the truest form of you! A vicious monster who hates all women!”

“keep your voice down Merce. None of what happened more than a decade ago matters right now. I’m not vicious and I certainly don’t hate women. I just hate you.”

“why I outta-”

Roman bounded the corner with three bowls of pasta and a content smile on his face. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw his parents glaring at one another. Logan turned towards him and the scowl faded into a grin. Mercy also fixed her posture and made her face neutral. She turned and smiled at Roman sweetly, and it made Roman’s skin crawl. Nevertheless, he smiled back and set down their bowls. He couldn’t wait for dinner to be over, then he could go take a shower and go to bed. He just had to make it through dinner…

“thank you, Ro, I made some veggies too, I’ll go make us some plates of that. Why don’t you unwrap your gift Roman?”

Roman nodded and mercy smirked as she handed him a bag. As he walked into the kitchen, he heard the bag open and a small gasp. When he returned, he saw a t-shirt on the table and a plush captain America plushie in his hands. He slowly brings it into a hug and thanks mercy. Logan put down the plates and signals to start eating. Halfway through dinner, mercy asks the question he knew was coming.

“so, what did you get him Logan?”

He refrained from cackling and backed up to grab Roman’s gifts. He set down two boxes and Roman looked at him with stars in his eyes. He opens the top one first, revealing a rotating constellation lamp. He smiled widely and wiggled happily in his seat. Mercy’s face was already less proud and conceited. Then Roman opened the next one, causing him to squeal and tackle hug Logan.

“I really really wanted a ukulele!!!!! Thank you so much dad I can’t believe you actually got one!!!”

He smiled softly as he hugged the boy. He looked up at mercy and felt his smile widen at the distaste on her face. He coaxed Roman to sit back down and finish eating, and he gave mercy the smallest hug afterwards and then Roman went upstairs to get ready for bed. Now he and mercy were in a free for all. No holding back. Logan could already hear the shower upstairs running, nothing here was sacred. Mercy could and would play dirty now. And Logan wasn’t about to back down. They were both ridiculously stubborn and absolutely hated each other and thus why their breakup was particularly ugly.

“you outdo me every time. You know you don’t need to buy his love? You can just try to be a halfway decent father.”

Oh ok. No build up this time, straight to the arteries.

“listen mercy I know you’re narcissistic, but I didn’t realize you projected so hard! If I had realized I would have therapized you sooner! Please, tell me how your home life was like?”

“oh, ha ha! You need to give me custody of him Logan. He needs a stable REAL family and a constant mother figure. Its mentally damaging to him-”

“oh? Oh really? Really please do tell me, a mental health doctor, how it is mentally damaging for him to have a single parent? Please bestow your wisdom on me high and mighty waitress from Denny’s without a college degree!!!”

“listen jackass its been scientifically proven that it causes mental disorders!”

“by fucking who??? Freud??? Because if you listened to anyone ever in your high school years instead of fucking a grand total of 9 guys at once maybe you’d know that Freud is full of shit!”

“its not my fault you’re shit at relationships lo”

“yeah well its also not MY fault that you cheated on me with 8 OTHER GOD DAMN GUYS!!! Its also not my fault that your boyfriend is a fucking druggie!!! Of all the guys you’ve fucking dated I think I’m the only one who doesn’t do drugs, and you know I don’t feel comfortable letting my son that you DROPPED ON MY DOORSTEP and handed full custody of over after 2 years live in a coke den. Don’t particularly want him to get second hand smoke either. I’m not giving you custody. If you wanted fucking custody you would have fucking raised him. You know I’ve taken him to therapy, and I’ve figured something out. Apparently, he likely has DSED. But you don’t know what that means do you? Its disinhibited social engagement disorder. It’s a trauma disorder that has to be related to a traumatic series of events from before the age of 5. Seeing as some of Roman’s first words were ‘mom bad mom not here’ I have reason to believe that you have neglected and abused him and then handed him over to me so you couldn’t be held responsible. Now you want him back so you can claim its my god damn fault well its too fucking late Merce. I’m giving you a choice Mercedes. Either you walk away and keep out of Roman’s life unless he requests you, or I will file a restraining order. Your choice.”

“…you never change do you Logan. I hope you grow up some day. I truly do. I guess this is goodbye.”

“sayonara Mercedes. If I never see you again it will be too fucking soon.”

And she left. She’s gone. He’s never going to have to do this again, and neither is Roman. He lays against the front door once she’s gone and calls Patton.

“hello? Logan its pretty late for you, you don’t usually call this late, is something wrong?”

“no. no something is wonderfully great Patton I’m free. Roman is free, I finally gathered the nerve. She’s never coming back Patton. She’s gone, she’s out of our lives no more whispered arguments just out of hearing range, no more cursing yelling matches while Roman goes to sleep, no more pretending I can stand her for Roman’s sake, its done, its over good god I haven’t felt this happy since Roman spoke his first words.”

There was silence on the line for a minute. Then a chuckle.

“I’m so happy for you L!!! I’m so glad you don’t have to put yourself in that situation anymore! I’m so proud of you!!!”

Logan held the phone with both hands, feeling like a teenage girl in a love song video. He smiled wide and nodded before remembering that he wasn’t on video call.

“thank you, Patton. I’ll let you get some sleep. Good night pat.”

“night L”

He hangs up and make his way upstairs. Roman is sat in his bed patiently waiting for Logan. He dives under his covers when he sees him. Logan sits on the side of his bed with a smile.

“hey kiddo. Guess what?”

“what?”

You don’t have to see your mom ever again if you don’t want to. Any meetings will be completely your choice.”

Roman’s eyes widened and his smile grew.

“you really mean it?”

“yessiree”

Roman gave Logan a huge hug yet again, and Logan stroked his hair. He was finally able to protect his baby boy. When Roman let go, Logan walked to the wall and pulled out a bag and handed it to Roman. Roman looked at Logan and began ripping the bag apart at the nod Logan gave. He opened it to see statuettes of wonder woman, star fire, and Harley Quinn, his favorite superheroes, and villain, ever. He let out a gasp and tackled Logan in a hug for a third time in the last hour. He sets the half foot tall statues on the nightstand next to his bed.

“do you want me to set up your constellation lamp?”

Roman nodded excitedly. Logan hooked up the lamp and calibrated it with the date, so it showed tonight’s stars. He fixed a few other things in Roman’s room, cleaning up his laundry corner, rearranging his book shelf, and putting the last few toys away in his toy box. He hung up the new shirt Roman got and tucked the captain America plushie in with him. He set the new ukulele in a stand on Roman’s shelf. Finally, he unhooked Roman’s dream catcher from the string that hung above his head. He took it to the window and blew on it. He hung it back up and walked right next to Roman’s bed. He began to tuck the boy into bed.

“you want a lullaby Ro? And would you like me to plug in your night light as well as your lamp?”

“yes, and yes please dad?”

“of course, Roman”

Little child, be not afraid the rain pounds harsh against the glass Like an unwanted stranger There is no danger I am here tonight

Little child Be not afraid Though thunder explodes, and lightning flash Illuminates your tear-stained face I am here tonight

And someday you’ll know That nature is so This same rain that draws you near me Falls on rivers and land on forests and sand Makes the beautiful world that you see in the morning

By the time he reached that point in the song Roman was completely passed out. He smiled fondly on him and kissed his forehead before lighting the night light, a bumble bee on a lily, and the constellation lamp and leaving.

He went about his own routine until he laid in bed. He looked at the clock next to his bed. It read 10:03. He impulsively picked up his phone and dialed Patton.

“…uhh, Logan? What’s up? I was just settling down for bed…”

“um, sorry I just uh…”

“out with-it L, I’m too tired to understand your silliness.”

“…I’m in love with you. Have been for a long time now but I just um, I just had a burst of confidence and that confidence is abandoning me so I’m sorry, this is stupid, I’m stupid, ignore this I’m sorry I’ll go, sleep well Patton good night”

“wait what?! Logan wait hold on-”

Click.

Oh good. He’s going to have to own up to that in the morning. Maybe he should go have a drink? No no, much too late for that. He’d just sleep it off. Yeah that’ll work.

When he woke up the next morning his phone was blown up with missed calls, voicemails, and texts from Patton, which makes tons of sense in hindsight, but you know the saying, hindsight is 20/20, and his normal vision is significantly less. Either way, he hesitantly listened to the voicemails, after ensuring that Patton wouldn’t see that he did. There were varying levels of distress in each.

“Logan! Its Patton, please pick up? I need to talk to you about this. Are you ok?”

“Logan!!! Its Patton I swear its not what you think, please just pick up and talk to me!”

“Logan? Its Patton. I don’t know if you’re ignoring me or if you’re just asleep, but I… I need to tell you something too. Call me back when you get the chance.”

“………………”

Logan felt awful. He already felt awful, but now he felt even worse. Look what he’d done! God he was a mess and he had the gall to drag poor Patton into it. God why did he do it, why didn’t he think it through? Imagine what Roman would think of him now!!! God, he messed up so badly. He grabbed his phone and walked downstairs to get hugged by Roman as he met the bottom.

“dad dad dad! Virgil asked if he and pat could come over, can they can they can they???”

Of course. He should have prepared for this. Its Sunday, the only time he and Patton’s work schedules coincided the whole day. Patton worked evenings on Saturday and Logan worked mornings on Friday and it was always Roman and Virgil’s favorite thing to do to come over to their house for breakfast then play all day. The two were never bored of each other. And it just meant Logan would get his just desserts sooner than he intended. Patton lived about a 10-minute drive away and that gave him very little time to look presentable.

“yes of course ro. In that case, I’m going to fix myself up, and when I’m done, how’s about we make some blueberry pancakes?”

Roman squealed and jumped up and down, before running to his phone. Logan made his way back upstairs. He brushed his hair, his teeth, and he got dressed. He put on blue jeans that he liked, a black t-shirt, and a soft light blue hoodie with a heart on it. It was a birthday gift from Patton from he thinks about 3 years ago. He had treasured it, even though it wasn’t much his style, it was something that felt inherently Patton to him and as mentioned a multitude of times before, he is really really gay. He fixed himself a gaze in his full-length mirror, checking to see that he was truly presentable. He saw the faintest of bags under his eyes, but those were probably from ro. He gave himself a silent pep talk before going to the kitchen. He saw Ro had already gathered all the ingredients and utensils they needed. He smiled and ruffled Roman’s hair. He rolled up his sleeves and put his hands on his hips.

“you ready to get cooking Ro?”

“absolutely!!!”

They had made the mix, and a few pancakes when the doorbell rang. Logan set the scoop down in the bowl and pushed his hair back. He smiled at Roman and asked him to get the door. The second Roman rounded the corner his façade fell. He was lost and scared and had no easy escape from the conversation he knew would happen as soon as the boys went off to play. He wasn’t ready. Not at all, but he had no choice anymore. He’d have to face it sooner or later.

“hi pat!!! HI VERGE!!!!! Come in, dads making pancakes!!!”

“oh, does he need any help?”

He heard Patton ask and he really hoped Roman would cover for him. He needed a bit more time before he had to be alone with him.

“oh no, he’s got this, he’s the most epic master chef to chef the seven stoves!!!”

Oh, thank god. He chuckled at Roman’s antics, always amused at how ridiculous he could be. He finished the last of the pancake mix and brought out 2 plates staked high with pancakes. He set them down with a smile and retreated again to grab sugar, butter, and syrup. He set them down and invited them to seat themselves. He had sat next to his son, and of course Virgil sat next to Roman, leading Patton to sit next to him. He did his best to just… eat and listen to Roman talk about this newest obsession, but his gaze kept wandering towards Patton, and it seemed that every time he glanced at him, Patton was doing the same. It wasn’t long at all before Roman and Virgil were finished and racing each other upstairs. He quickly made himself busy with gathering the dishes, his included, and bringing them to the sink to get rinsed off. He bounded the corner again, seeing Patton still making his way through a pancake on his plate.

“that the last pancake you want?”

“uh yeah, sorry I’m taking so long today, I’m still a bit tired.”

Logan felt himself twitch at that. Had he kept Patton up with worry? Nope nope not yet, not ready yet. He grabbed the extra pancakes and packed them in a bag. He rounded the corner yet again, seeing Patton finish his pancake. He stood with the plate and Logan grabbed it out of his hands. He smiled gentle at Patton, and he could have sworn he’d seen a blush on Patton’s face, but he was sure he was imagining. While rinsed the plate he started his coffee maker.

“you want coffee pat?”

He looked at Patton and Patton shook himself out of some sort of trance before making a sound of affirmation. A few minutes later he poured them both mugs of coffee, pulling out his creamer and sugar for himself and Patton to choose from. After they finished mixing it up, he saw Patton start to think of something to say, and he interrupted. He’d already had one argument in that room, he didn’t need the possibility of another one.

“would you like to step outside?”

Patton, who was staring firmly at his mug, looked up suddenly with an odd look on his face. He nodded quickly and followed Logan out onto the patio. Logan stood next to the fence around the deck, leaning on it and looking out on the little empty field that was behind his house. He had spent so much time there with Roman, he could barely remember a time before he had the kid. He heard soft footsteps approach the railing and smiled down into his coffee, hating the show of emotion and weakness he was having. He heard Patton take a deep breath and he nearly laughed at the situation he was in.

“so…”

“yeah.”

He heard Patton turn around, his back now against the railing. He hated this. He couldn’t stand this he didn’t want to have this conversation, he wanted to go back to sleep.

“so um, what you said on the phone last night… was-was that true?”

“heh, yeah. All of it, I’m-I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have bothered you with that. Especially not as late as it was.”

He felt Patton’s gaze fall on him and he was harshly reminded how much he h a t e d this. He looked like a moron, can’t the time just reverse so he can choose not to decide to ruin his and Roman’s lives. God why did he fuck this up so bad-

“yeah no, if you had told me that literal years ago it would have saved us both some turmoil lo.”

Wait-

“what?”

Logan stood straight up and finally really looked at Patton. He had a gentle smile and soft eyes and god he never thought he would see that perfectly gorgeous look directed at anyone other than Virgil, let alone him. That was the look Patton gave Virgil constantly. It was a look of adoration and affection and love and god that was directed at Logan and he didn’t think he would be able to keep his composure if he kept looking at those beautiful blue eyes that were peering into his soul.

“I-I didn’t think-I mean you were just-god how oblivious am I?”

“only a lot when it comes to emotions. I mean, it’s not like I knew ether, and I literally talk people through their emotions daily for pay, so you know I think its pretty even there. You know you look really nice in that hoodie. I almost forgot I got that for you, I hadn’t seen you wear it in a good long while. I had thought you had gotten rid of it.”

“what? No, I would never! It’s the most comfortable thing I own honestly, and um, I was certain I was going to need comfort for this conversation but I… guess I was wrong.”

“Logan what did you think was gonna happen? That I would reject you and hate you or something?”

“uh, yeah? Well my worst-case scenario was that you would slap me for even thinking about it and then you would cut yourself and Virgil out of my life and then Roman would hate me as much as his mother, but you know its just how it goes I guess.”

“…Logan for such a smart man you can be exceptionally stupid sometimes.”

“I’ve heard that regularly, and I’m pretty sure my ex said something to that effect yesterday, so I mean you’re probably not wrong.”

Patton giggled softly. He continued to just gaze at Logan before stepping closer and placing a hand on Logan’s cheek.

“I really want to kiss you right now.”

“I-um, I uh me-me too-”

“may I?”

Logan nodded. Patton leaned in slowly, and Logan being who he is, impatiently closed the gap. It was… soft. It was soft and warm and everything Logan had imagined. However, cliché it may be, as Logan closed his eyes, he swore he could see fireworks. It felt like his own personal Disney happy ending that Roman loved so much. He was close enough to smell Patton’s hair, like a forest of olive trees and strawberries and happiness and love. Logan had never really been one for dramatics, but at the moment, he felt more at home than he had ever been before. He felt happy and he felt calm and he felt Patton’s arms snake their way around his hips and he wrapped his around Patton’s neck and god he was at peace.

“EWWWWW ROMAN OUR DADS ARE KISSING!!!!!!!!”

Well there goes the moment. Patton quickly broke the kiss and turned to see Virgil covering his eyes and hopping on his feet. He saw Roman run the corner and there were stars in his eyes. He covered his mouth and squealed while hopping around.

“is Patton gonna be my dad too???”

Logan couldn’t help but hide his face in Patton’s neck.

“maybe? We don’t know yet Ro, we’ll need a bit more time to figure that out.”

Logan was eternally grateful at Patton’s talent for answering children while also not revealing everything. He mumbled a small ‘I hope so’ into Patton’s neck and Patton giggled. He whispered back a ‘me too’ and Logan could swear he felt his heart swell in his chest. Virgil uncovered his eyes and looked at Patton with awe.

“wait… does that mean me, and Ro will be brothers??? We’ll be eternal playmates!!! Ro we’ll get to play together for forever this is so cool!!!”

“YEAH!!! I went from having one parent to two and a brother!!! YAY!!!!!!”

“oh gosh they’re excited”

Logan turned his head, now laying on Patton’s chest and looking at the kids.

“you two are so silly. You go back to playing unless you needed something”

“well uh we wanted to ask if you would play with us?”

“yeah!!! We wanted to play princes and villains, but neither of us wanna be villains. Could you please play with us?”

Logan leaned back and looked at Patton who had a bright smile on his face.

“why not? I’m actually already hungry again. I think some little princes would be delicious!”

The boys squealed and ran away, and the two adults gave themselves a moment, as well as the boys a head start.

“you know as over used as it is, I really am glad I get to be with you now. You have been my dream guy for years and now its not a dream anymore. Now I don’t know about you, but I have an appointment with some princes.”

“you know, so do I. how about it then? Ready to go?”

Patton gave a toothy grin and placed a small kiss on Logan’s cheek. He chuckled at the blush that grew on his face before releasing him. He held out his hand to Logan.

“as I’ll ever be! Let’s go!”

Logan grabbed his hand and two rushed upstairs. The two were so completely utterly in love. For once in their life they had another person by their side who they could hold close and trust aside from their kids. It was nice. It was really nice.

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Thank you for reading I will see you later ladies lords and nonbinary royalty!!!

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grelrik-da-bozz · 5 years

Text

starco, something to think about...

Ok, so it has been almost a whole week and I’ve been celebrating about this ‘final’ they brought to the horrible curse that was cast on Marco and star almost 4 years ago.

It really is good to see that the one most affected by the curse (Marco) is finally free of that... disgusting situation he was in, but since we are talking about Disney, and considering what we have seen during the third season there is a huge possibility that they will spoil everything and come with a “we loved each other before the curse” scenario, even though there were no signs at all (specially from Marco) that there was anything but friendship between them.

Now about this bad transition we have three direct responsables!

The first one being the curse of the bloodmoon itself as it was the direct thing to affect Marco's personality and interfer with his decisions after being cast on both Marco and star, they both acted differently, slightly at first and almost unnoticeable on star but on Marco it was... quite obvious specially in season 3! But there were times in season 2 when you were all like “wtf? why did he do that?” Running with scissors is a good example. Follow me on this ok? Marco decides he doesn’t want to return back home as he has a different life in Hekapoo’s dimension (making star useless as now the one who has his attention in the ‘adventure cool section’ is H-poo) but then star asks him “What about your parents or your friends... or... me?” we see Marco do something quite particular... that in this last episode (Curse of the Bloodmoon) had a special sound and now everything is different! Marco had decided already, he was a 31 years old man, had made up his mind, but the curse forced him to change it. And I honestly hated that part of the episode! How come star decided to casually forget mentioning Jackie She should have said “What about your parents or your friends... or... Jackie... or me?” (some people have argued that star had feelings towards Marco before the bloodmoon but most of them base that presumption on the book*).

Now, the second direct responsable is star, for not accepting Marco's advice when she decided to go see what Tom had prepared for that party, even though Marco had already been right many times before about things related to the outcome of how bad everything could be if she continued using magic, doing what she considered right, following her own ideas, etc. and that only because of the Mary sue powers they ended up a-okay. (Honestly she should have at least said "Marco has already been right sometimes I should listen to him this one time, I mean, he is my friend.”) But no, she didn't, and do you wanna know why she didn’t listen to him? Because star is a strong independent “warrior” princess and that makes it all fine, right? I mean as long as a girl says that she is a strong and independent woman it doesn’t matter how much damage she broughts to anyone, we have to see it as positive. So yeah, sarcasm aside, a huge chunk of responsability falls on her shoulders**.

Finally the third responsable for how badly the curse developed are both “the plot” and Daron & the team that helped her, we all have heard some couple of things about the show, starting from the fact that Daron was already quite sure of how she wanted the show to be, she had more or less worked on it in her head since she was... how old 14? 13? More or less a teen age for sure, and therefore had been munching on that bone every once in a while for the last 15 years! Also is worthy mentioning that she said a couple of times that she had changed things during the course of the years but the idea was there, as solid as it could be and with steps she wanted to follow, now, following her trajectory so far and knowing a couple of her works we know she, for some reason, liked to add some drama in her stories***. And also she seems to be more or less on board the “social/genres/let’s-break-the-stereotypes train” although that could also be Sabrina Cotungo, who, by the way, got promoted to director for Season 3 (promoted might be a bad term as what actually happened is that the other two guys in charge of directing the show in Season 1 & 2 left after they finished), therefore took care of some of the importante decisions for the third season and apparently is the one to blame for it to be so... shity, Now I wonder if she was in charge of the story boards in the episodes where there was social drama issues... Anyway, returning to the topic of blamming the horrible development of the bloodcurse and the third group of responsables, Daron (as far as we can asume) had this idea of Marco being a really tough subject for star when love was in the middle, I wouldn’t be surprised if she actually had planned for her to fall in love with Marco but that she would also suffer about it cause he had eyes for other girl! The thing is they developed in more than one episode the story for that to happen, they made Marco a really brilliant co-protagonist and many felt quite nice with him finally getting to get the chick he wanted, many out there celebrated it, of course there were also starco-fans who hated it, but the thing is we can’t deny the way they two got together was good! ponyhead helped Marco and Jackie to break the ice, to finally have him telling her she was his crush, accidentally of course but she did, star helped as well, but at the end of the episode we had a strong hint that she liked Marco, that was only a hint, something that star had not really gave her mind too much time to think about, she wrote in her diary something about Marco, how she felt about him and didn’t want him to read it because obviosly she probably wrote that she felt something strange, like butterflies in her stomach when seeing him. She was more or less oblivious to how strong her feelings where and I feel like the real issue here is that star was never meant to end with Marco, I feel that Daron wanted her to suffer a little for Marco and then turn the page, to return back to Mewni and continue her life, sad, angry with herself, but ready to give her heart another chance to find a good guy to love.

*: For those out there who don’t know about it, every cartoon of the last decade (perhaps even a little more than a decade) has done some thing(s) like that before, bringing something special or that expands the lore and that exist only in a type of merchandise that you have to buy in order to read and know. MLP, Adventure time, etc. It’s not something “new” that SVTFOE has and in all of those mentioned cases they had been clear about one thing: the book/magazine/comic IS CANON but it is a SEPARATE CANON, they are not interconnected, even if the author says so. Lauren Faust for example! She had said before some things about specific ponies, ideas she had or things she had planned for some moment in the story... but the show has pointed at other direction. So yeah, we can respect the book but we can’t really take it as 100% interconnected canon. **Ok, I have to point something else about this star issue, yes, she is not the only one responsable, some could argue that Tom is the ‘main responsable’ there, but to anyone other there wanting to say that I’d like to know your answer to this: Did Tom plan involved star and Marco dancing? The answer is a huge NO, yeah he is the one who wanted to dance with star, something bad cause he would have never told her that her sudden change on feeling about him was due to the curse, but it was something he had thought for what he believed was the best, he had never thought about Marco being his friend at the time nor did he planned for them to have their souls linked. And, as people suggest star was already a little bit in love with Marco before the curse so, that would explain why those feelings were slowly increasing in her heart for the latino boy, but then there is a little something I wanna talk about. Star managed to finally overcome her crush on Marco and decided she wanted to start dating Tom once again, after she tried to dress him like Marco, overcame her addiction to his musk, etc. She returned his hoodie and closed the portal... they could have ended it right there, Marco could have returned just casually and for some episodes, fighting Meteora and stuff. ***About the drama that Daron had done in some other projects she did before SVTFOE, we have at least a couple which are the most well-known ones. There is this short animated thingy where the girl is captured by some folks, they take her away and her “boyfriend/husband/lover/whatever” takes it on his shoulders to go and rescue her, when he arrives and is all ready to break the ‘bad guy’ it is revealed it actually is a Bad girl, a MILFy looking bad girl who acts all sassy with him and in a matter of seconds they are kissing right there in front of the “princess”. The short clearly points to the idea of “hey girls, never expect a boy to free you from a dangerous situation, free yourself and punch his face because you are strong and independent”… you probably understand my point, is not a bad lesson but I feel some other Disney princesses did it a lot, lot better. So anyway, the idea is clear, the ‘main character’ who casually looks quite similar to star. The second short I remember is this one where this girl is cutting with scissors some pieces of cloth that other two girls pass her, to work, she is pretty much daydreaming and ends up being fired, her dreams are all like stuff from the 70s you know, way too colorful and stuff (this short is all drawn in black and white) which is fine, but the design and others… makes it feel odd. (Personal opinion). The third one is probably the most famous one, this young girl leaves her house after her older sister tells her to stay away while she sees the pictures of her ex, which seems to be dating someone else, the young girl (has a lizard as her pet, she talks and hears the pet talk) enters a pub and drinks some beverage she steals and has some kind of alusination and gets scared, fortunately the older sister’s ex recognizes her and acts as if he had been looking for her to help her out of the situation, taking her back home and… that’s it. As you can see two of these three shorts have things in common, a protagonist daydreaming with what seems to be ‘magic in her imagination’ which is what we know star was going to do (she didn’t have magic, they suggested Daron to make the magic real minutes before she presented the story board for the pilot) and secondly there is some naughty thing going on as both the blonde princess and the older sister seem to “like” their couple/ex while they are kissing/dating someone else.

#svtfoe #star vs the forces of evil #curse of the blood moon #blood moon #bloodmoon #curse of the bloodmoon

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