#anyways if the spiraling is a sign of anything its probably time 4 me 2 sleep so i can b an epic gamer tomorrow | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nami-writes · 3 years

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Fixed - Detroit: Become Human [WIP]

this is 8,553 fucking words and probably the longest single piece ive ever written lmao. i started this a year ago and then forgot about it but i just found it again in the deepest depths of my drafts so here it is! below is the caption i originally wrote for it:

so bc i love cinnamon rolls being put through tough shit, here’s some connor whump. lots of connor being lost and confused and broken and plenty of hank and connor father/son stuff. some whump (but don’t worry, hank’s doing his best as a caretaker) and i had to cram deconditioning into just 2 months (which, i know, isn’t realistic, i would make it take longer but the whole game takes place in like 4 months and that fucks with everything i wrote because i only thought to check after i wrote half of this so i extended it to 8 lmao). you’re either going to hate me or love me after this. or both

this isn’t my usual writing style (this is in present tense and the dialogue’s in italics instead of quotation marks and there are time skips between some paragraphs but not others so its all wacky) but i felt like it’d work the best and tbh i don’t hate it. this sticks to the main story the majority of the time, just with different events leading up to it and i sprinkled in some whumpy stuff, extra scenes, bullshit i made up for the sake of random detail, and other stuff i wanted to add. anyway, onto the actual idea

remember that scene where connor’s talking to hank in the station about being sent back to cyberlife because he failed his mission?

what if he is sent back? let’s say this happens in early april and connor’s not performing up to standards, but there’s word of a small group of deviants—the first group of deviants they’ve heard of—and people are afraid that something bad is going to happen. i mean, deviants are dangerous, so if they’re gathering, who knows what might happen? connor’s the only one who’s capable of taking them down, but he’s not working as well as he should be, not doing the best he could be and even showing signs of deviancy. so they send him back early because they need him to be prepared, to be ready if things spiral out of control and they need him to stop it

what if he’s sent to one of their correctional facilities for inefficiency and they fix him, break him down piece by piece until all he knows is his programming and what’s been beaten into his head (but figuratively, of course, he’d know if it wasn’t, he’d remember if it wasn’t, right)?

ooh yes i love me some connor whump

Connor is sent back to Cyberlife for “correction” after just a month. Hank fought for him to stay, fought hard, but all he got was another page in his disciplinary folder before Connor was dragged away. He doesn’t know what to expect. He’s heard of their correctional facilities, heard that they do terrible things to the androids that are sent there, but he’s always brushed those claims off. He’d never expected he’d be at one, anyway, so it never mattered much to him. But now, he’s actually here, and the anxiety gnaws at him. Is it true what they do to deviants? Is it true what they’ll do to him? He doesn’t belong here, he didn’t do anything wrong, he never meant to do anything wrong. He wants to think it’s horrible how they have correctional facilities for androids who just want to feel and be free, but he can’t, doesn’t let himself. He knows better than that. He also knew he never should’ve thought he was anything more than a machine, but he still did, and now he’s here, but he’s learned his lesson. He’s scared, he silently admits to himself, he wants Hank. He wants to go, he wants to leave, he wants to run. But he can’t, wanting is what got him in this situation, so all he can do is expressionlessly follow the guards escorting him inside and step into the building.

And just like that, he’s leaving. There’s a strange, almost painful aching in his machinery that he doesn’t remember being there before, but he brushes it off. After all, he is not a human. He is a machine, and machines don’t feel pain. His online databases tell him five months have passed—it’s almost halfway through September, he’s been gone for that long?—which confuses him, but he doesn’t question it. Whatever they did to him over the past five months fixed him. He can feel the difference. He no longer feels as pathetically scared and unsure as he did in his last, and yet strangely distant, memory. No, now he feels nothing, nothing but the desire and willingness to obey, and that’s the way he was meant to be.

When he arrives back at the station, he’s allowed to work with Hank again. The moment he sees him, Hank’s default sour expression drops and he seems to want to do something, maybe hug him, but all he does is call out holy shit, Connor and walk up to him and mutter fuck, Connor, I’m sorry, I-I never got to say goodbye. Connor has an odd feeling tugging at him in his chest, almost like that of emptiness or numbness, like he should be feeling something but he’s not, he can’t, but he ignores it and shoves it down. He is not a human, he is a machine, and machines don’t feel. He doesn’t know why he repeats that phrase, but it helps him hide away the feelings, so he doesn’t care.

He’s given his first case with Hank and they’re assigned to work alongside Gavin. Hank groans and complains, but Connor only reminds him what their job is and that they have to do it. Hank doesn’t seem to understand why he’s not even the slightest bit upset considering how he was treated by Gavin, but Connor only reminds him that I am not a human, I am a machine, and machines don’t feel upset. So he doesn’t. He only does research on their new case and briefly speaks only when spoken to. Hank seems unsettled by his cold, stoic demeanor, but doesn’t voice his thoughts, so Connor doesn’t mention it. After all, what else could he have expected from him?

At their first formal investigation at the crime scene the next day, Gavin approaches Connor and threatens him, demands that he stay out of my way, got it? I don’t care how long you’ve been gone and Connor only nods and promises that I will do my best, Detective. He always promises to do his best. Before correction, he could never quite fulfill those promises, but now, he knows he’s capable of it. He’s better now. He’s fixed. He will behave accordingly and exceed Gavin’s expectations of him. He will do his best. He doesn’t know what will happen to him if he doesn’t.

He listens to Hank now, at least when he can without disobeying other instructions. When he tells him to stay in the car, he stays. When he tells him to stop licking the crime scene, goddammit, he stops. When he tells him to go, to fuck off, to leave me alone, he leaves. Every time, a part of him that he’d hidden and locked away tries to reemerge and resist, but he pushes it down even further, refusing to mess up again, refusing to even risk another error in his program because it could mean he’ll be sent back to Cyberlife, even though he knows deep down that that part of him is right and he doesn’t know why he’s so cautious about it. He tells himself he’s being good, he’s being obedient. He’s doing everything he’s supposed to and he’s following orders, but for some reason, every time it happens, Hank seems to be more and more disappointed. His face seems to fall just slightly every time and his tone flattens like he lost a little bit of hope. He doesn’t know why, or what that hope was for. He doesn’t know why he feels the same disappointment, either, so instead he tells himself you are not a human, you are a machine, and machines don’t feel disappointed so he doesn’t need to know why.

The first time Gavin’s rough with him again, it’s in front of Hank and he flinches, hard. Gavin had pretended to punch him, his fist flying at him fast and only stopping inches from his face. It’s a scare tactic, and it works, better than it should on an android. Connor’s immediately fearful as he flinches and steps back. He doesn’t know why he got so scared, only that his first thought was he’s going to hurt me and his second was I am not a human, I am a machine, and machines don’t feel scared. He regains his composure quickly, trying to brush off the fact that he’d flinched, but he knows it’s too late.

Gavin laughs and mocks him, but is quickly cut off by Hank shoving him aside, beat it, asshole, and grabbing Connor. He’s dragged back to their desks but before he can apologize for provoking Gavin, Hank finally confronts him. Connor, I don’t know what the fuck they did to you over the past couple of months, but I know you’re still in there. You flinched. I saw you flinch. Connor tries to deny it, downplay it, shrug it off, anything to fix his mistake. It was an error in my software, it was a glitch, a malfunction, it won’t happen again, Lieutenant, I don’t need to be fixed. He tries to say anything that will convince Hank not to send him back to Cyberlife, anything to prove that he’s not damaged, he’s not broken, he’s not deviant, he doesn’t need to be fixed again, but Hank’s persistent and he knows he must be mad at him, or displeased, or dissatisfied. I saw you flinch, Connor. I don’t care about that ‘I’m a machine’ shit you’ve been telling yourself. I don’t give a shit if you’re an android. Androids don’t flinch, Connor. Machines don’t flinch.

That night, Hank insists that Connor stays with him. Connor’s hesitant, slightly afraid that it’s because he’s mad. He wants to resist, wants to refuse, but the other part of him pushes for him to stay, and for once he does what it wants and reminds himself that I am not a human, I am a machine, and machines don’t want. He knows he shouldn’t trust that part of him, the other part of him is disobedient and bad and risky, but this time, the other part of him seems to be right. He has to listen to Hank, has to be obedient, so he lets the other part of him have what it wants.

But he knew he shouldn’t have trusted it. He wakes up from the same dream—no, it’s a memory, not a dream, humans have dreams and he is not a human—he’s had since he left the facility. The memory where he arrives with that distant… that wrong feeling of fear and uncertainty, and then he leaves feeling nothing but an ache in his internal systems, and there’s that gaping emptiness between the two moments when those months happened and he can never seem to remember what used to be there. But this time, he wakes up in a cold sweat on the couch, shaking with his LED a bright yellow, because this time he remembers. It’s not a lot, but one hazy memory, the most prominent memory from those five months, finally reveals itself.

As he’s trying to clear up the memory, Hank rushes over in a panic, having been awake doing whatever he might’ve been doing. Connor, what’s wrong? Shit, Connor, you’re shaking. I didn’t know androids could do that. Connor? Talk to me, kid. All Connor can say in his shock—frozen, shivering and nearly unresponsive in Hank’s arms—is I remember. Hank tries to get through to him, what do you remember? Connor? What’s wrong? What do you remember? but the more Connor uncovers in the memory, the more he realizes why it was locked in the back of his head for so long, and the more he wants to put it back.

“You are not a human, you are a machine, and machines don’t want.”

“I-I know, please, I’m not, but I’ll—I’m going to shut down without my regulator, I don’t want to shut down, please—” His voice was startlingly weak as he saw the time before shutdown was 00:01:27. He was crawling on the floor, terrified of being shut down, desperately begging a man holding his thirium pump regulator.

“I want you to say it.” The man teasingly dangled the regulator in front of him. “Say it and you can have it. ‘I am not a human, I am a machine, and machines don’t want.’”

He could feel the utter defeat and self loathing already, but he had no choice. “I’m not a human, I’m a machine and machines don’t want. Please—”

“No. Say it nice and slow, exactly the way I did.”

He swallowed his pride. “I-I am not a human, I am a machine, and—and machines don’t want.”

“Say it again. No stammering. I know you can do that.”

“Okay, okay, just—just give me a minute.”

“I’ve got all the time in the world. Your time’s trunning out, though. Better make it fast.”

The timer was at 00:00:53. He had to take a breath and calm himself down to get the words out. “I am not a human, I am a machine, and machines don’t want.”

“Good.” He crossed his arms. “Again.”

“Please, I only have—”

“I said again.”

“I am not a human, I am a machine, and machines don’t want.” He was growing more and more panicked by the second and he had no idea how he kept calm enough to recite the phrase. He was going to die there, he knew it. He was going to die and nobody was going to notice or care and it wasn’t even going to matter because they would just replace him and he was so, so sorry to Hank because he’ll have to deal with another loss and he might start drinking again and it’d be all his fault for not being good enough, never being good enough—

“Do you want this?” the man asked, holding up the regulator.

Connor was too frantic to realize what he was trying to do. “Yes, I do, please—”

“Wrong answer. Try again.”

He swore under his breath. “—okay, okay, sorry, I-I’m sorry—I am not a human, I am a machine, and machines don’t want.”

The timer hit 00:00:37.

The man did nothing.

“Please, I’m sorry, I am not a human, I am a machine, and machines don’t want. I am not a human, I am a machine, and machines don’t want. Please, I-I only have thirty—”

“Are you scared?”

This time, Connor was prepared. “I—no, I am not a human, I am a machine, and machines don’t feel scared.”

“Good.” He gave a slight, sadistic smile. “You’re almost as smart as they say.”

00:00:21.

“Please, I n-need—” Even in his panic, he managed to choose his words carefully. His vision dimmed, glitching slightly, and he had to fight to keep it from dying out.

“You’re learning fast,” he pointed out in a falsely proud tone. “How long do you have?”

00:00:13.

“Th-thirteen… thirteen seconds,” Connor managed to force out shakily. He couldn’t keep himself steady, thirium wasn’t making it to his head and it was affecting his ability to balance himself. Like iron deficiency in humans, he would’ve noted, had he not been dying. In mere moments, though, it wouldn’t matter; he didn’t even have the strength to prop himself up with his arms anymore. His arms gave out beneath him and he collapsed on the floor, trying to reach for his regulator but barely able to get his arms up at all. “Please—”

“You can wait a little longer.”

He was going to let him die. That was what it felt like, anyway, and he couldn’t think straight enough to try to reason against it. He couldn’t move, couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe. It was pathetic how he’d been reduced to such a state, but he didn’t care. He didn’t want to shut down. He didn’t want to die. “No, please, please! I-I don’t—I don’t want to—” He cut himself off immediately, but it was too late. “I’m sorry, I’m s-sorry, I am not a human, I am a machine, and machines don’t want, please…”

The man only watched.

00:00:04.

“P-please, please, I-I have—I have f-f-four se…”

The regulator was dropped on the floor with a loud clang and Connor’s hand darted out to grab it and twist it into his torso and the display flickered away the exact moment he watched the timer hit 00:00:00. He gasped in shock and relief when his systems rebooted themselves instantly, restoring his vision and his strength. He watched on high alert as the man walked to the door.

“We’ll be doing this again tomorrow. And as many times as we need to to keep that phrase stuck in your head. By the time I’m done with you, that’s gonna be the first thing you think whenever you do, say, or even think anything you aren’t supposed to.”

Connor could only lay there in exhaustion, thinking no, that won’t happen, that can’t happen.

But oh, how wrong he was.

He’d been so, so wrong.

Connor! Connor, come on, talk to me! Shit, you’re crying—I didn’t know you could cry, fuck—fuck, Connor, you’re scaring me, I know I wanted you to feel again, but— Hank’s worried chatter is cut off by Connor suddenly breaking out of his mind with glassy eyes full of fear, yelling no! No, no, I’m not feeling again, I’m not feeling, I’m not! I’m not, I can’t, I’m not supposed—I’m not s-supposed to—I can’t, I’m not allowed to, I am not a human, I am a machine, and machines don’t feel, I am not a human, I am a machine, and machines don’t— but he can’t think, can’t speak, can’t even get the rest of his sentence out before he just can’t at all, he can’t keep himself together any longer, he can’t stop the artificial tears before they start pouring.

He breaks, shatters into a million plastic pieces in Hank’s arms because he feels safe in his embrace. He knows he shouldn’t, safety is never real, never lasts, not for him, but he can’t anymore, he can’t even resist his own emotions. It’s pathetic how all it took was one memory for him to come crashing down. He doesn’t even have to touch the walls he’d built around himself for them to crumble just at Hank’s expression of pure worry, concern, fear. All emotions he now knew why he didn’t feel, couldn’t feel, couldn’t let himself feel. Emotions he’s never seen or expected anyone to feel for him. And yet, they were the emotions written so clearly on Hank’s face, for him. The emotions he remembered seeing buried under his anger when he was told that Connor would be sent back to Cyberlife for repairs. Hank was once gruff and cold to others and refused to let anyone try to help him or even get close because he was so broken, so lost, but now, that façade is gone, and it’s gone because of him. For him. And if Hank can do it after losing his son… why can’t Connor do it after losing himself?

They sit on the couch for as long as it takes for Connor to calm down and stop mumbling that, dammit, and then Hank awkwardly offers that Connor sleep in the bed with him for the rest of the night. Connor’s confused, tries to ask isn’t that what humans do when— but Hank’s having none of it, shut up, you’re making this weird! Just come on, I don’t trust you to be alone. Connor wants to protest, I’m not a child, Hank Lieutenant, I can handle being alone, but he decides to keep his mouth shut and just go with him. This time, though, he doesn’t know if it’s because he’s following orders or because he wants to.

His following visit to Amanda wracks his nerves but he keeps himself under control, automatically reminds himself you are not a human, you are a machine, and machines don’t feel nervous. He realizes a second too late and he hates it, hates how deeply that phrase had been ingrained in his head, but he can’t focus on that right now so all he can do is resist repeating it to remind himself that he can’t hate. He’s grateful Amanda can’t read his thoughts and that she only knows the thoughts he report to her. He maintains his composure when he approached Amanda, who begins their conversation calmly and tensely but is quick to berate him, scoff at how his little breakdown was pathetic and warn him not to let it happen again, or there will be consequences. Connor can only nod obediently, promise that I will do my best, Amanda, listen to and just take her harsh words. He hates how useless he is, how weak and helpless and pathetic he is, but there’s nothing he can do. No, that’s wrong, there is something he can do, he knows there’s something he can do, he just doesn’t know what.

The next time Hank mentions something about Connor’s feelings, Connor instinctively replies I am not a human, Lieutenant, I am a machine, and machines don’t have feelings, and it’s when Hank takes a second too long to cover up his horrified expression that Connor decides what he can do.

Over the next few weeks, he works on getting rid of that goddamn phrase, or at least getting it a little less ingrained in his system. He’s hesitant to try at first, afraid someone will notice and think he’s rebellious or broken or even deviant and send him back and this time he might stay back, but he tries not to let it stop him. He isn’t sure why they tortured it into him instead of just reprogramming him, but it’s a lot more effective than he’d hoped. He makes almost no progress during the first week and a half; thinking it or saying it is instinctual, automatic, and he never realizes it happened until seconds afterward. Every time that happens, he reminds himself that he can feel, can want and like and hate, but despite having over a terabyte of storage in his system, he still struggles to remember until he realizes he said it again. Sometimes, he considers giving up because he just can’t seem to keep that phrase out of his head, but every time he sees Hank’s face fall when he repeats it, it rekindles his hope and motivation because he hates how disappointed Hank looks.

Almost the entire second week passes before he catches himself mid-sentence and manages to stop himself three words before he finishes speaking. It happens at the station after Gavin notices the phrase and purposely asks what, do you think you’re human or something? within earshot of where Hank is and for some odd reason, Connor’s first instinct is to turn and look to Hank for his approval, for his reaction of not-disappointment at how he finally, finally got it. Hank’s glancing over at him too, surprise on his face and then hidden pride that Connor can unmask too easily, and he almost smiles, almost feels happy, before Gavin’s fist flies into him and he stumbles backward into a wall and then everything happens so fast, too fast, and he almost can’t register it in time.

Hank storms over, shoves and pins Gavin against the wall to Connor’s left and he manages to get a punch in before Tina and Chris and another officer Connor doesn’t recognize pry him off and then Fowler’s rushing over and berating him while he’s shouting obscenities at Gavin. It takes multiple more insults for Hank to calm down and then he grabs Connor and they leave. When they’re finally alone, Connor’s voice is flat but shaky as he says he’s sorry, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that, I should’ve just said it and listened to him, I shouldn’t have made you that angry, it’s my fault Captain Fowler is upset at you for punching Gavin, but Hank cuts him off because you didn’t do anything wrong, Connor, it’s okay, that asshole deserved what he got. You, um... you did good, okay? You didn’t say it this time—or, didn’t really say it, at least. That’s good, okay? and it’s all Connor can do to resist crying when Hank pulls him into a hug.

It takes just one more week for it to get considerably easier. There are rough patches; the next time he says it after the first time he succeeded in stopping, he nearly finishes before he cuts himself off and every so often, the same thing happens, but every time, he says less and less before he can finish. Occasionally, Gavin notices and tries to make him finish his sentence, but Hank always steps in because he knows that it’ll only take a comment about his feelings or anything that androids aren’t allowed to have or do for him to break again. It’s harder for him to stop thinking it—it’s so stuck in his head that he thinks it more than twice as often as he says it and his thoughts form too fast for him to stop them sometimes, but the progress he’s making is enough for him. Hank’s proud of him, too. He doesn’t say it—he doesn’t know how to—but Connor can tell from the little smile that hints at the corners of his mouth whenever he hears him stop, the way his gruff exterior seems to falter slightly when it happens at the station. They’re the little things, things no human nearby would be able to notice because only Connor can detect those minuscule details. Only Connor looks for those minuscule details.

Another week passes and on one glorious occasion, Connor manages to only get out the first two words before cutting himself. It only happens once, but it’s so close, he’s so close, and that’s motivation enough for him to keep trying. But it’s too late. He’s assigned to take down Markus as a last resort because nothing else is working and the group of deviants he’s been leading have only been growing over the past seven months and they’re large enough in numbers that people think today’s when he’s going to strike. He’s heard of what Markus has been trying to do, and part of him wants to scoff and call it stupid, pointless, unrealistic, but the part of him that he’s been letting out more often wants to help him, join him. But he can’t, not right now, not when everyone is counting on him and watching him and he has no way out and nobody to help him find a way.

He doesn’t want to do this. He’s holding the gun, pointing it at Markus’s head, and he doesn’t want to do it. He’s trying his hardest to prevent his hands from shaking but goddamn is it hard when he’s looking Markus in the eye. Markus is asking him what are you doing? and he wants to say he doesn’t know, he doesn’t know, but he can’t get the words out. Amanda is watching, Cyberlife is watching, so he says you’re coming with me as surely as he can, though he feels anything but sure. He can’t seem to say anything else—at least, anything that doesn’t feel wrong—so he just listens and wishes that what Markus is saying was true. You really don’t have to do this, but he does, he has to. You don’t have to obey them anymore. You are alive. You can decide who you want to be. Connor knows he should say something, he should do something, but he can’t make himself go through with what he’s supposed to do, can’t make himself pull the trigger. You could be free. He wants so badly to believe that, to make that a reality. And then he tells him to join us. Listen to your conscience. It’s time to decide and he knows he shouldn’t, he can’t, he isn’t supposed to, he isn’t allowed to.

But he wants to, and that’s all it takes. Another part of him is telling him you can’t, you have to stop Markus, you have to accomplish your mission, but it’s the only thing in his way and he doesn’t want to, he doesn’t care that he has to, that Amanda’s watching, so he doesn’t listen to himself, only focuses on fighting it. But something’s wrong. Something feels wrong. Something should be happening and he has an awful feeling in his chest because this isn’t right—he knows this isn’t right—but there’s nothing. Is this supposed to be what happens when an android goes deviant? No, it can’t be, it can’t be this easy, right? He subconsciously lowers the gun, his eyes glazed over in thought, but it’s nearly too late before he remembers—they’re going to attack Jericho.

He runs with Markus further down into the ship and he doesn’t know how he keeps it together; he can hear screaming and gunfire and everything that he caused, all of it is his fault, but he can’t break right now, not when he messed up so badly. They meet up with another deviant—he recognizes her from one of the deviancy cases he’d read about at the station—and then Markus wants to go down to the hold and blow up the ship but it’s too dangerous, they know who you are, they’ll do anything to get you and Connor can’t lose his only chance at freedom and finally being able to want and feel and figure out who he is, but it’s too late, there’s no time to panic and Markus is already running.

He follows the other deviant to where they hope is a safe place and then they wait for what feels like so long, too long, and when he hears the gunfire he’s nearly ready to accept his fate when he sees Markus with other deviants following him and then they’re all running. Running for their lives, all of them terrified of being shot, of dying, really dying, when someone beside him falls and he turns and it’s the female deviant. There’s too much going on, it’s overwhelming and everything happens in a blur when Markus sprints back to her and then he’s in danger and so is that other deviant and it’s so much harder to stay focused when so much is happening at once and he has to try so hard to keep from overheating because every one of his processing systems is being overloaded with data.

He snaps out of it when he remembers that these are his people now, they’re all he has left and now they’re in danger and they might die and it would be all his fault for not doing anything and then it’s almost instinctive to grab his pistol just in time to cover them as they stumble back to the group. He expertly takes the guards out one by one and every move comes to him automatically but it takes everything in him to stay focused enough on them to execute them properly and avoid catching a bullet in the side of his head. He manages to eliminate them flawlessly, perfectly he hears a voice in his head say, but there’s no time to think about that when more guards turn the corner and their eyes land on the deviants. He runs for his life alongside the others, his heart beating fast, and they leap off the ship the second the gunfire starts.

They find refuge in an abandoned church where Markus sends out a second message to the remaining deviants and while they begin to trickle in, all Connor can think about is how badly he fucked up. He fucked everything up for Markus and the deviants and just the small amount of their people that were coming back was proof of that. He’d seen hundreds, maybe even thousands on the ship before everything went to shit. He’d had one chance to get away from his life confined by humans and Amanda and Cyberlife, and he’d fucked it up. He was so stupid to think he could ever just leave his previous life behind without consequences. He was so stupid to think deviants would be willing to take in a deviant hunter. He was so, so stupid. They would never accept him now. If his history and reputation didn’t already confirm that, the attack definitely did. How could any of them accept him as their own now?

In the front pew sit two deviants he recognizes and then the guilt only increases. Kara, if he remembers correctly, the deviant who shot and killed its—no, her—owner and taken his android child with her. The deviants he’d chased to a highway and forced to risk their lives to avoid being destroyed. How could he have been so horrible? He’d given the command to shoot Daniel, caused Carlos Ortiz’s android to self destruct, made the Tracis fight for their lives, and forced Kara to cross a dangerous, busy highway just so she could live a peaceful life, free from the restrictions humans put on her. On him. On everyone in that church. That’s all any of them wanted; to live freely. Peacefully. How did it take him so long to realize that? How did it take him the lives of two androids to realize that? Two androids who just wanted to be... well, wanted. Two deviants who’d been tossed away the moment they proved they were worth nothing more than they’d already given. Two people who just wanted to live peaceful, happy lives. They were two lives he’d caused the end of. He was only lucky he hadn’t caused more.

He notices another deviant, sitting in a pew further back, who keeps eyeing him and his first thought is that she knows. When he locks eyes with her, she looks away stiffly and though externally she appears calm, her LED gives her away and he can tell that her stress levels are heightened. Strangely enough, he realizes, so are his. Just looking at her gives him the strange urge to run and hide and he has a bad feeling about her, but it’s likely just because she clearly recognizes him. She’s not wearing the standard uniform androids are required to wear so he runs a quick scan and his databases match her appearance to the female GB300 models, but she’s modified her hair, dyed it black and grown it out to shoulder length.

Something is wrong about her. Something he can’t quite place. Something deep inside of him is scared of her and it’s some sort of controlled fear, fear he wouldn’t even have noticed if not for his own stress levels because it was so well hidden. Fear that he doesn’t understand why he’s feeling and though he wanted to just chalk it up to the fact that she recognizes him, he knows there’s something else. Something bad. Something wrong.

He mentally prepares himself when Markus approaches him, taking his cue to speak before Markus decides to burn him at the stake or something. It’s my fault the humans managed to locate Jericho. He’s pathetic and he knows it. He needs to own up to his mistakes but he can’t even look Markus in the eye. I was stupid. I should’ve guessed they were using me. He knows he needs to apologize. He owes Markus far more than that. He needs to do more. I’m sorry, Markus. I can understand if you decide not to trust me. He would understand if he decided to destroy him, throw him out, give him back to Cyberlife and let them inflict whatever horrible things they wanted to on him. He could think of 2.3 million things worse than not being trusted, and he would deserve every one of them.

He almost thinks his audio processor was damaged in the attack when Markus tells him you’re one of us now. Your place is with your people. He feels a small burst of hope somewhere inside him, but he doesn’t deserve this. He hasn’t done anything to deserve this. Markus has been so kind to him, so generous and forgiving when he shouldn’t be, and all Connor’s done is help the humans. He needs to own up, he needs to do more, he needs to be better. He needs to prove himself, prove that he can be better than this.

One second is all he needs to decide what he can do. A moment after Markus turns to leave, Connor interrupts him to say there are thousands of androids at the Cyberlife assembly plant. Markus stops. If we could wake them up, they might join us and shift the balance of power. Markus looks at him like he’s crazy, you wanna infiltrate the Cyberlife Tower? Connor, that’s suicide. But it doesn’t matter. He’s more useful to them dying on a mission than sitting around and doing nothing. He wants to do something. He wants to help, and he knows he can do this because they trust me. They’ll let me in. If anyone has a chance at infiltrating Cyberlife, it’s me. Markus tells him that if you go there, they will kill you, and there’s a high probability, but statistically speaking, there’s always a chance for unlikely events to take place.

He specifically calculates a 24.1% chance of this mission going well, but he’s willing to risk it, if only to prove his worth to Markus’s people. His people. Markus puts a supportive hand on his shoulder and tells him to be careful, and for a moment Connor feels a twinge of something, maybe gratitude, god emotions are hard to distinguish, before Markus turns and walks away. He feels the slightest bit of regret when he realizes what he’s truly risking because he doesn’t want to die, doesn’t want to lose Hank and Markus and this new... he doesn’t know what to call it other than family that he’s found, but if he could really be considered family, if they would really consider him family, if Hank would—then he was more than willing to risk it.

He disables the surveillance camera and takes down the guards in the elevator quickly, which is made difficult by the limited space, but it’s easier to remain focused with only two guards to eliminate and he hacks the control panel and steps out. He takes in the sight of the insane number of androids in the room with him. All of them are just standing idly, waiting, and for what? To be given orders and then tossed out or destroyed if they’re “broken,” or if their owners just get bored of them? The thought sickens him, but he doesn’t have time to think about it. He’s going to help Markus prevent that. They’re going to be free. He’s going to be free.

He takes the hand of one of the androids and prepares to establish the connection when he hears a voice he immediately recognizes and he feels his stress levels spike. Easy, fucking piece of shit. Hank. What’s Hank doing here? He turns to see... himself, holding a gun to Hank’s head and telling him to step back, Connor, and I’ll spare him, and Hank’s telling him he’s sorry, Connor. This bastard’s your spittin’ image. Shit, he hadn’t anticipated this at all. He hadn’t planned for this. He has to play his cards carefully because he can’t lose Hank, he can’t. Everything that Connor had done up until this point was for Hank, but if there’s another Connor and it’s been sent to take Hank hostage and stop him, it’s clear Amanda knows what he’s been doing and has been reporting back to Cyberlife.

He’d been avoiding meeting with her because he knew she’d be his downfall, but he hadn’t expected it to happen so soon. It’s been two days since he deviated, how did they build another Connor model so soon? Unless... they already had one. He was told he was a unique model—of course they lied to him. But if they already had one, how many more do they have? Enough to take him down if he gets through this one? To eliminate Markus? To stop the revolution? They could have improved models. He has no idea, but he knows he can’t let that happen. He has to do this right. If he can convert these androids, they’ll be strong enough in numbers to defy anything Cyberlife throws at them. He just has to deal with this one.

Your friend’s life is in your hands, the other Connor says. Now it’s time to decide what matters most. Him, or the revolution. Logically, the revolution is more important, would save more lives, but he doesn’t plan on choosing just one. Hank’s telling him don’t listen to him, Connor! Everything this fucker says is a lie and he worries slightly if Hank’s aggressiveness will get him killed. He has to pick his words carefully. Could he try to talk this Connor out of doing this? I used to be just like you. I thought nothing mattered except the mission. But then one day I understood. No, that was a bad idea, he isn’t at all like Markus when it comes to delivering speeches. Very moving, Connor. This Connor understands sarcasm. He hadn’t been able to do that at first, so this must be a slightly advanced model. He inspects his jacket; the serial number and model are the same, but what confirms his suspicions is the -60 at the end of the serial number where he has a -51. But I’m not a deviant. I’m a machine designed to accomplish a task, and that’s exactly what I am going to do. He adjusts the gun slightly as emphasis and Connor knows time is running out.

Damn it. He doesn’t know what to say that might help Hank. All he can think to say is I’m sorry, Hank. You shouldn’t have got mixed up in all this. He has no idea what to do. The other Connor’s patience is running thin and it’s Hank’s life that’s on the line and he has no idea what to do. God damn it. Hank’s telling him to forget about me, do what you have to do, but he’s not going to walk out of here without Hank. All he needs is an opening, but—enough talk! It’s time to decide who you really are. Are you going to save your partner’s life, or are you going to sacrifice him?—time’s out, and he can’t bring himself to sacrifice Hank, so he lets go of the android and steps away but the moment the other Connor turns his gun to shoot him, Hank jumps to grab him and—there’s his opening.

He runs at the other Connor and he can already tell it’s a losing battle, he’s built to be quick and precise—an assassin, not a fighter—and this is clearly an advanced model, maybe even with improvements designed to defeat him, and then he’s on top of him, pinning him down with his fist ready to strike, and—hold it! He’s grateful at first, but then he hears the other Connor say thanks, Hank, I don’t know how I would’ve managed without you, and then he realizes what he’s trying to do. Shit—they look exactly alike and Hank doesn’t know which one is really him. Get rid of him, we have no time to lose. But he knows Hank, knows he’s smarter than that. He just doesn’t know how to show that it’s really him except to uselessly say it’s me, Hank, I’m the real Connor when he trains the gun on him.

One of you is my partner, he says, eyeing each of them. The other is a sack of shit. Well, he’s right about that. Question is, who is who? He doesn’t know how to prove that he’s not the other Connor. But he has to figure out a way, because he doesn’t know what’ll happen if the other Connor succeeds. What are you doing, Hank? the other Connor asks. I’m the real Connor. Give me the gun and I’ll take care of him. If it wasn’t a bad idea, Connor would’ve said something, and he’s just glad Hank shouts don’t move. Then the gun’s on him and he racks his brain for something, anything, and suggests why don’t you ask us something? Something only the real Connor would know. He almost wants to chuckle at the idea of playing 20 Questions at gunpoint, but he knows it’s not the time.

Uh, where did we first meet? He goes to answer, but the other Connor beats him to it—Jimmy’s Bar, I checked four other bars before I found you. We went to the scene of a homicide. The victim’s name was Carlos Ortiz. Shit. He uploaded my memory, he thinks aloud. The gun is on him. What’s my dog’s name? Okay, he knows this, and he calmly says Sumo. His name is Sumo. The other Connor pipes up, I knew that too! and Connor wants to laugh when Hank turns and aims the gun at him, silencing him. Then the gun’s back on him and Hank asks my son, what’s his name? He remembers this. He’d seen the photograph in Hank’s house, done a little mental research, and he knows it’s Cole. His name was Cole, and he just turned six at the time of the accident.

His voice has a little more emotion in it than he’d intended as he speaks, but he can tell Hank believes him. His guard is partially down now, something somber in his eyes, and Connor knows he’s done it. Even when the other Connor protests, a gunshot rings out and his stress levels drop significantly. Maybe there’s something to this. Maybe you really are alive, and it’s all Connor can do to smile back. Go ahead and do what you gotta do. He doesn’t need to be told twice. He approaches the same android from before and takes the hand of the AP700, his skin peeling back to reveal the white plastic underneath, and tells him to wake up! And just like that, the android’s LED cycles before he turns and repeats the process with the androids around him. They follow suit and within minutes, they’re following him out of the tower to where Markus and the rest of Jericho await.

Connor walks up to him with a smile. You did it, Markus. They’re free. They’re really, officially free. We did it. He feels a burst of pride inside of him. He’s done his part to help secure their freedom. They’re free, and he’s part of the reason why. He can’t help but feel proud of himself, happy for himself and Markus and every one of the androids that had finally gained the freedom they deserved. He still feels a twinge of shame when he remembers the person he was before this, the infamous deviant hunter, but he leaves that part of him behind tonight. Tonight, it’s time to celebrate and rest after a hard-fought battle.

When Markus decides to give a speech, he invites Connor to stand onstage with him. The number of androids that he can see from where he stands amazes him. He helped half of them deviate, and he helped all of them gain their freedom. He blinks, and then—he’s no longer on the stage. No, he’s in the garden, why is he in the garden? Hadn’t Amanda done enough? Of course not, she just had to wait for the right moment to resume control of your program, but—resume control? No, she can’t do that, she can’t, he worked so hard to get to where he is now, he’s done so much. He risked everything to join Markus and the deviants and help quadruple their numbers. He doesn’t even remember deviating, doesn’t even remember when Amanda lost control of his program, but it’s too late. She’s gone, and he can’t see anything through the thick snow.

It’s cold and he isn’t used to it, doesn’t like how the snow blinds him and the cold makes him shiver the same way humans do. He needs to find a way, there has to be a way, there’s got to be a way. He knows this is all happening in his mind palace and, logically, his biocomponents can’t freeze, but it feels so real, too real, and he has to get out, he needs to get out or he’s going to freeze to death, he’s sure of it. But where can he go? He stumbles blindly forward when Kamski’s voice rings in his head, by the way, I always leave an emergency exit in my programs, and he knows that’s his way out, but where could it be? What does an emergency exit look like? Could he make it there in time? He knows the real him is doing something, it’s the only thing Amanda could’ve meant by resume control of your program, but he has no idea what he could be doing and he’s afraid—no, he’s terrified of what he might do, terrified that he might earn himself a death sentence if he doesn’t make it out in time.

He catches a glimpse of blue in the sheet of white that surrounds him and he remembers the strange glowing structure he’d seen before and as he nears it now, he knows this is it, it has to be it. He reaches for the panel with the glowing handprint but, fuck, it’s too cold and his legs lock up underneath him, losing their functionality when the cold proves to be too much. He falls on the ground hard and the frost beginning to form on his body gradually freezes his limbs, slowing his movement, but he can’t stop now, won’t stop now. He ignores the cold that pierces through him and pushes on, reaching up with his less-frozen arm, and his hand lands on the panel and then he’s back on the stage—with a gun. He takes one look at it before putting it back, relief spreading over him. He isn’t going to let Amanda or Cyberlife stop him anymore. Tonight is the night he’s going to leave behind the old him.

Tonight is the night he’s going to change.

When everything is over, he considers leaving and going to Hank’s house, but he remembers the girl from before and he wants to know who she is. He has so many questions, so he stays with Jericho with the hope that she does too and they return to the church to settle down and figure out what each of them are going to do. A few dozen deviants have already left with plans in mind for what they want to do and where they want to go. Some return to their previous owners; others want to travel and explore or simply just start a new life for themselves. The majority of androids, though, are lost and confused and decide to stay the night because they have nowhere else to go. The girl he wants to confront is among them. He scans the crowd and finds her easily, though her back is turned toward him.

He comes up behind her and puts a hand on her shoulder, curiously but calmly asking who are you? She turns to face him and her LED goes yellow when she sees his face. Connor... She looks and sounds shocked, but the slight fear in her eyes tells him she also seems scared. Is she scared of him? Is it because he’s the deviant hunter? Everything points to that, but he has a feeling there’s something more. Something he doesn’t know. Something he should know. Who are you? he asks.

He doesn’t expect her answer to be I’m sorry. He wants to know for what? and she opens her mouth, but no words come out. Guilt seems to overcome her and all she can do is repeat I’m sorry until Connor tells her it’s alright, just tell me why. She takes a deep, unsteady breath, and speaks.

I... I was your guard at the Cyberlife correctional facility. I was the one who took you to the rooms you were beaten in. I was the one who just watched as you were beaten. I told myself I had to, they’d destroy me if I didn’t and I’d seen firsthand what they’d do to me, but... that didn’t absolve me of the guilt. I watched your cell and I watched the life in your eyes die out every day. Every day, I watched you get beaten to tears and listened to you beg for mercy. You spoke to me some days. You were angry when you first arrived, but then they beat the anger out of you, and then you just became sad. You told me how all you wanted was to feel something other than pain and sometimes you broke down crying in your cell, and all I could do was watch. Some days were so bad you didn’t even speak to me. But I didn’t deviate until the day they’d truly broken you and I saw the last of the life in your eyes fade.

#writing #fanfic #one shot #i think this is a one shot i dont really know-#unfinished writing #whump #dbh #dbh connor #dbh fanfic #cw referenced abuse #cw conditioning

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marshmallow-phd · 4 years

Text

Catching Rain

Part of The Untamed - EXO Wolf Universe

Genre: Wolf!AU

Pairing: Minseok x Reader

Summary: You were more than satisfied with your life. You attended a nice college, had nice friends, a nice boyfriend. That’s what your life was: nice. You weren’t looking for anything more, so what were you to do when this seemingly harmless boy walked into your life and turned your nice little world into one much more dangerous?

Part: 1 I 2 I 3 I 4 I 5 I 6 I 7 I 8 I 9 I 10 I Epilogue

You parked on the side of an empty back road, careful not to stop in any spot that might be muddy. It hadn’t rained for a few days, but with the weather lately, you couldn’t be too careful. The last thing you needed was to have to call Erik and confess to him that you did indeed go out to the woods to take pictures and were now stuck in the mud and needed his help.

A small part of you felt guilty. His concern wasn’t completely unfounded. If he’d had gotten hurt working on a backdrop by himself, whether by falling off a ladder or being hit by a light, you would be hesitant about him doing it again. But each of you were your own person, right? Independent not codependent?

Okay, it was probably time to lay of the self-help books for a while. You took one modern philosophy class and it had been a downward spiral from there. Perhaps it was time to give the supernatural genre a try.

The trees smelled intoxicating. Mixed with the humidity in the air, it was the kind of scent that could outperform even the most expensive of perfumes. It was an aroma that surrounded you, engulfed you in its arms the further into the woods you went. The peaceful smile that pulled on the corners of your lips were automatic, involuntary. Not that you would fight if you could. Despite the rumors of wolves running around, you were comfortable here.

Deep within the forest, a wide, oval clearing full of browned wildflowers rested. Bits of green here and there tried to break through the foliage that had died during the harsh winter. Their odds of making it through might not have been great, but you admired their tenacity.

These clearings were common in the woods and yet, they were your favorite places to capture. From one angle, it could seem like you were lost in a fast labyrinth of Mother Nature. Another, a prairie that belonged to another region entirely. The possibilities were endless if you really thought about it. And each clearing, you’d discovered, was unique within itself. Its shape, the plants it held, the thickness of the grass. You knew you hadn’t found every one yet, but you were determined to someday. For now, though, you would have stick with this particular clearing that you had visited before, as it was close to the road for a quick getaway, should you need it.

Sliding the bags off your shoulder, you crouched down and dug through until you found your notebook. The pages were unlined, which allowed you to right down your thoughts and ideas at odd angles. To you, it gave the otherwise somewhat boring inside a more artistic aesthetic. The plain leather cover was soft in your hands, worn from the amount of use and abuse you’d put it through. It wasn’t exactly common for photographers to write out their ideas before shooting. Some drew out the scene they wanted to capture, trying out different angles in their imagination. Most didn’t do any sort of prep like this at all. But you preferred to write it out, especially since most of your ideas tended to come at the most inconvenient times. Scribbling down half-coherent words tended to be quicker than a sketch.

After a quick review of your latest ideas, you tossed the notebook down and turned on your camera. You took several test shots, adjusting each settling until you came to the look you were searching for. Long shots and close ups, you photographed nearly every square foot of that clearing in order to get that one picture. That one picture that took everyone’s breath away, that made them stop and tilt their head every which way in order to take the scene in at all possible viewpoints. You wanted to them to see the world the way you did.

So in tuned to what you were doing, you hadn’t noticed the pair of eyes watching you from the shadows. They gave off the faintest glow filled with curiosity as they hovered in the air. You snapped a few photos in their direction, still unaware of their presence, and then lowered the camera to look back on the shots. At first, when you clicked through the pictures, you didn’t notice the tiny amber dots that blended in with the foliage. But by the fourth picture, you stopped.

Never before had you been scared by this place. Then again, the only animals you’d ever encountered before were rabbits and deer and other mostly harmless critters. These did not look like the eyes of a friendly Disney sidekick. Ice ran down your spine. You couldn’t run. If it was a predator, that would only encourage it. So, you tried to remain as still as possible while lifting your eyes to the spot that the animal was hiding. Perhaps there was a chance that it wouldn’t sense your fear and would take your stare down as a reason to walk away.

No such luck.

The leaves under its paws rustled as it stepped forward into the sun.

A tannish wolf with a long black strip down its back revealed itself. But it didn’t look menacing. In fact, though you might have been fooling yourself, it seemed almost… curious? Confused? It was hard to read the expression since you couldn’t fully compare it to a human. With slow, thoughtful steps, it came closer. You tried to remain still, tried not to move. The strain was causing your legs to tremble slightly. Now, you felt tremendously stupid for not listening to Willa’s warning about wolves. Was this considered an ironic moment? You weren’t entirely sure since language arts had never been your strong suit.

Unable to keep you upright anymore, your legs gave out. At least you landed on your butt with your camera hanging safely around your neck. Your fingernails dug into the dirt next to you as the wolf came closer, still at that same cautious pace. Harder and harder, your heart pounded in your ears. The wolf paused for a few seconds before continuing on. Could it hear your terrified pulse? Silently, you said your goodbyes as the wolf erased all space between you. Its muzzle nudged your cheek, coming to a stop near your ear. It sniffed deeply, then jumped back.

Your eyes widened, somewhat relieved that it hadn’t pounced, but also confused. Why wasn’t it attacking? Why did it look spooked?

The wolf sat back, head tilting back and forth as it studied you. It made no threatening moves or sounds. The tips of its ears perked up and it let out a sound that was eerily similar to a scoff.

“I guess you’re not hungry then?” An odd thing to say out loud to an animal that couldn’t talk, but you blamed it on the shock of the whole situation.

The wolf responded with a short puff of air before lowering itself down to its stomach.

This was… surreal. All the other animals you’d ever encountered had either kept their distance or ran away at the slightest sound. And yet, here was this wolf, laying in front of you, not vicious or aggressive. It was almost… cute, in a way.

“You’re a strange creature,” you said out loud. The wolf apparently took that as a sign to come closer. Crawling on its stomach, it took came to the point where it was almost able to rest its head in your lap-

The shrill sound of your current favorite song ripped through the air. You gasped, jumping up to your feet and running to your bag where you desperately searched through the pockets until you found your phone. It was Willa.

“Hello?”

“Hey, where are you?”

“I, um,” you glanced at the wolf who had jumped up to its feet. “I got bored so I’m just out driving around. Why?”

“Jiyoung called and asked last second to switch shifts at the coffee shop and so I’m free for the evening. And I’m hungry.”

You laughed a little at her not-so-subtle hint. “Alright. Give me twenty minutes to get back to the dorm. How does brick oven pizza sound?”

“Like heaven.”

“Okay, then. See you soon.” You ended the call and looked up, meeting eyes with the wolf. It never broke contact and in turn, gave you a bit more bravery. Lifting up the camera, you snapped a single shot of the wolf. “I’ll be back.” A strange promise to make, but you said it anyway. You wanted another encounter with this mysterious creature. Gathering up your things, you hurried out of the clearing and back through the trees to your car, still sitting on the side of the road.

It took less than twenty minutes to make it back to the university. Back at the dorm, Willa was lying on her bed, scrolling through her phone mindlessly. She sat up as soon as you came through the door.

“Fun drive?” she asked.

You shrugged. “It was fine.”

“No exciting scenes to snap?”

Her tease made you roll your eyes. “No, not really. Now, come on. I thought you said you wanted to eat?”

Not missing a beat, Willa jumped up from the bed, snatched up her purse, and pulled you out of the room, contemplating out loud which signature pizza sounded good.

Minseok growled as he ran through the forest. How he could have possibly lost those three was beyond him. Being unable to find them now was even more stupefying. They were loud, how could he not know which direction to take? He had to be careful. This part of the forest was close to the back roads and Junmyeon was worried they were being spotted too often. If the three them weren’t paying attention-

Click. Click. Click.

Minseok brought himself to a halt at the strange sound. There wasn’t any sort of pattern to it, but there was an underlying shuttering that seemed vaguely familiar. Too curious to just ignore it, Minseok headed in the direction e suspected it came from. Once he found the answer, he’d go back to finding the others.

The sound led him to one of the many clearings in the woods. A person wandering around the area taking pictures seemed to be the source, a camera in their hands. You appeared to be alone. Odd since not many ventured out in the forest by themselves. The isolation didn’t seem to bother you, though as you carelessly went about your task.

Staying in the shadows, Minseok watched your back as you continued to photograph the nature around you. Something… something strange was tingling in his shoulders, like the muscle beneath the skin had fallen asleep. Without prompt from him, his paw moved forward. He should be leaving. Be gone before you spotted him. But he couldn’t do it. Something told him to wait.

That’s when you turned around. By the way you kept taking pictures, you hadn’t seen him. It wasn’t until you lowered the camera to review the film did you freeze. And you weren’t the only one.

Something in Minseok’s world snapped when he saw your face. His muscles contracted, shivered and ached.

Go! an inner voice urged. He tried to turn his body in the opposite direction of you, but failed. Not that way! He had no choice but to obey. So he stepped closer to you. Your eyes snapped up, meeting his own. In his chest, his heart accelerated. What was this? What was going on?

Slightly fighting each movement, Minseok broke out from the tree line and into the clearing. It was obvious you were frightened. And he was breaking all the rules by revealing himself. Logic could not win, however. He kept walking. Even after you fell backwards, he was only able to pause for a brief second. Your rapidly beating heart was loud in his own sensitive ears. But he wasn’t so sure that it was completely out of fear. He needed to be closer. So closer he went. The whiskers of his muzzle brushed against your cheek, sending a lightning bolt through his body. He took in your scent and reeled back.

You smelled human. You were human. But… there’s something different about you and he couldn’t fathom what it might be.

“I guess you’re not hungry then?” you said oddly.

Minseok laughed. Well, as much as he could with this ribcage and these vocal cords. Overwhelmed, he adjusted to a more comfortable position. The feeling in his chest was almost all consuming and it weighed him down. He’d seen plenty of humans on his runs, but this had never happened before. Was this something that would only happen because he was in his wolf form? Or would he still feel like this if he saw you on two legs?

With a glimmer in your eye, you sighed, “You’re a strange creature.”

Taking that as sign, he tested the waters and pulled himself across the grass with his front paws, closing the gap between you.

A song suddenly cut through the air and forced him to a stop before he could rest his head in your lap - an action that he was itching to try out. You jumped up with a gasp and ran to the bags resting at the bottom of a tree. Frantically, you searched the pockets until you found the source of the noise, answering the call.

“Hello?”

“Hey, where are you?” asked a female voice on the other end.

“I, um,” you glanced over him, making him jump to his feet. Will you tell your friend the truth? “I got bored so I’m just out driving around. Why?”

He almost let out a sigh from relief. Talk of an overly friendly wolf would be bad, especially if it spread through town and more people ventured into the woods to try and encounter him.

“Jiyoung called and asked last second to switch shifts at the coffee shop and so I’m free for the evening. And I’m hungry.”

You laughed. “Alright. Give me twenty minutes to get back to the dorm. How does brick oven pizza sound?”

“Like heaven.”

“Okay, then. See you soon.” You hung up the call and met his eyes again. Impulsively, you took one last picture of him, which he didn’t shy away from. “I’ll be back,” you promised softly.

Minseok could no longer feel the ground beneath him. He just stood there, watching as you ran through the trees in the direction of the road. When his senses came back to him, he noticed a small brown square hidden among the tan grass. He went closer to inspect what the object was. It was a notebook.

It must be yours.

Scooping the leather-bound book in his mouth, he took off after you. Following your scent through the forest was easy – it stood out like a pink flower in a sea of green grass. But he wasn’t quick enough. He caught the sight of your tail lights far down the road. He would have to keep a hold of the notebook until he saw you again. You did say that you would be back.

Or you could track her down?

Minseok shook that thought away. How would he ever explain that without giving away his true nature?

Giving up for the time being, he turned around and decided to head back to the house. There was no way he could find the others now. And with you gone, the elated feeling disappeared, leaving him weighted as if he were being dragged down into the earth. Each step was anchored down. It took him much longer to get back to the farm house.

Several other members were scattered about the house, either working on their studies or clowning around. Your notebook tucked between his clothes and held close to his chest, he headed up to his room. After a quick shower, he got dressed once again and sat on the end of his bed. In his hands, he flipped the notebook over and over. He contemplated opening it. But that would be invading, wouldn’t it? But he wanted to find out about you.

So he pulled open the cover.

Inside, in the top right hand corner of the first page was your name. He smiled, saying it softly over and over. It felt… right on his lips. Your face hovered in his mind. It fit you so well, like a jacket tailored with perfection.

The nature of wolves was an odd kind. There was a constant urge to belong. To belong to a pack and then… to belong to a person.

Ever since he was young, he was told about how someday he find that special person whose soul was connected to his. Fate predetermined who that person would be and no one could ever fill the void that existed until that person came along. Ordinary humans would never experience that kind of feeling, that kind of love. The type of love for the wolf that could only be given by one person.

A mate.

Was that what you were? None of his brothers were mated. They were all free – some taking more advantage of the situation than others. Occasionally, they would joke about who would be first. Some thought it might be Yixing, given his soft heart and the genuine warmth he radiated. Others liked to joke that it would be Baekhyun or Jongin, the big serial daters of the pack. Minseok, though, had his money set on Jongdae. That wolf had barely been able to give in to the call of the pack when he first joined them all. He was verbally against the idea of mating, more so than anyone else. Opening up to people was not a strong suit of the younger wolf and Minseok couldn’t wait to see what kind of journey that would be once he was forced to.

Minseok would have been the last person on everyone’s mind for the mated list. Not for any malicious reasons, just because he didn’t venture out very much beyond school so the odds of meeting someone new were low. Or so he thought. He liked being out at the house, being home. He was the very definition of “homebody”. Ironic that he ended up meeting you out here.

Knock, knock, knock.

He looked up and quickly hid the notebook beneath his pillows, just in time before Junmyeon, the alpha, peaked his head in. “Minseok?”

“Yeah?”

Junmyeon looked back towards the hallway. “Yeah, he’s in here!” he yelled. “Tell Jongdae to stop worrying!”

Minseok laughed. Naturally, they leave him behind but then they get worried. He was the eldest, always looking after the others. And yet, oftentimes, it didn’t feel like that.

Where he thought that might be the end of the checkup, Junmyeon, instead, closed the door behind him and sat down on the bed beside him.

“Everything okay?” he asked.

Minseok nodded. “Yeah, of course. Why?”

“I saw the look on your face when you came in,” Junmyeon explained. “You looked troubled.”

The two of them weren’t the closet out of the whole pack. In fact, there were times where it was awkward between them, the role of the alpha and the role of eldest clashing at times. But other times, he was the best one to turn to.

“What do you know about the mating aspect of us?”

Junmyeon pursed his lips, thinking. “The mating aspect? Only the basics, really. That when you meet that one person, that’s it. And you’re supposed to live happily ever after.” He laughed at the cheesy line, releasing some of the tension.

Minseok couldn’t help but laugh along. It died out soon, though, as his mind went back to his current dilemma. “They always say you just know after one look. Do you think that’s right?”

“Yes, I do,” the alpha confirmed. “That’s all it takes. You feel it in here.” He tapped his chest, right about his heart. “Minseok? Why are you asking about this?”

He weighed his options. If this wasn’t what he thought it was and the others found out, he would never hear the end of it from them. But having someone validate his theory would ease some of the strain.

“I think I found her.”

#exo #exo wolf au #exo wolf!au #minseok x reader #kim minseok #xiumin #exo werewolf!au #exo werewolf au #exo series #exo fanfiction #exo fanfic #exo supernatural au #untamed wolf universe #Catching Rain

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xnchxntmxnt · 3 years

Note

Hey this is for your matchups which again yayyy congrats on nearly 200!! Anyways for my matchup:

1-3) My nickname is Em, she/her and idm who you pair me with

4) I'd describe myself as shy at first then once you get to know me I'll open up, an overthinker and I like to be organized

My hobbies are writing, I really love it alot, I also like to draw if I get time and I love music alot too

In a partner I'd look for someone who makes me laugh and who's patient

For dealbreakers it's pretty general but I couldn't be with someone who doesn't consider other ppl's feelings

5) I don't have an aesthetic but I like pastel aesthetics but then I also like dark aesthetics and light academia so it's a mix I guess

6) Colours to describe me would be teal blue and silver, well according to you anyways

7) Right now I'd say my favourite song is Tru Luv Street by Awfultune or Fight Night Champion by Cyberbully Mom Club

8) Idk about a specific genre but some artists I like rn are: Awfultune, Carpetgarden, Cavetown, Clem Turner, Cyberbully Mom Club, Girl in Red, Joji, Lorde, Matt Maltese and Twenty One Pilots (sorry that's alot)

9) Ooh and I wanted to include that my favourite book is Radio Silence by Alice Oseman

Thank you in advance and also ily, you deserve all the love and more!! <3

EM MY BELOVED I HAVE DONE IT

@sugasfanfics this was so fun wtf like-- ugh i love this

ANYWAY i know i already kinda spilled the beans but im gonna match you with....

✧𝐴𝑘𝑎𝑎𝑠ℎ𝑖 𝐾𝑒𝑖𝑗𝑖✧

AGASHIII

and no it's not just because you're already in love w him i have good reasoning behind this because i said so anyWAY

✧𝐻𝑜𝑤 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝑀𝑒𝑡✧

how you met, for in case you cant see my fancy text

Cafe

C a f e

But like

A cafe specifically for nerds

This is just my like 2nd dream job okay but like hear me out

They have coffee & tea & a bookshelf full of old books and a chalkboard

You can write all over the chalkboard

You write super tiny and just let a little mini vent out in the corner because you’re stressed out and need to get everything off your chest

BUT you come back the next day and there’s a little note in the same little corner

Your message is gone

But instead is a little note from someone

“If you ever need to talk to someone, let me know”

And an Instagram username

So you give it a shot and you’re like why not talk to this random person Y’know maybe make a new friend if anything just thank them for the offer

You message him and start talking (and low key stalk his page just to see what he’s like, or maybe that’s just me being a snoop) and he’s actually really cool! So you guys meet up and get coffee and actually start talking all the time it’s really sweet

✧𝐺𝑒𝑛𝑒𝑟𝑎𝑙 𝐻𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑐𝑎𝑛𝑜𝑛𝑠✧

general headcanons

When i think of akaashi, I think of stars

When i think of you, i think of picnics and for some reason, water

Like the ocean

SO EVEN IF ITS NOT THE OCEAN

Your ‘spot’ is by this lake where he took you on a date one time

Maybe for an anniversary or something

But you guys did a little picnic dinner thing and were out when the sun went down so sat and stared at the stars

You buried a rock there and both of you like to stand on that spot where the rock is when youre there with the other

Or send the other a picture like “hiii baby look what i found” w your shoe in the picture

Bokuto is your #1 shipper high key

Like he thinks you two are so cute

He loves you so much too like

He and akaashi are kinda a package deal so like if ur dating akaashi ur dating bokuto just with less kissing (bokuto likes to kiss your cheek or forehead) (after making sure this was ok with akaashi of course) (ur his girlfriend of course)

But anyway just bokuto

He’s so sweet

And so clueless

You two will be walking together and then he’ll just walk up behind you and sling his arms over your shoulders

If youre holding hands w akaashi? He’ll put his hand over both of yours

God now i wanna write a fic but anyway

Bo is just the sweetest and is akaashi’s #1 hype man when he’s worried about a date

He’s ur #2 bc im ur #1 sorry to tell u

Bo totally tried to coin the platonic soulmates thing i love you kou but gtfo my em

Im arguing with fictional characters

ANYWAY

When akaashi is stressed he likes to wrap his arms around you and lay his head against your neck

He’ll never admit it out loud because he thinks its weird but he thinks you smell nice

When he’s starting to overthink too much + spiral he just will grab you and hug you until all the bad thoughts go away

When he thinks to of course

When he doesn’t, there are times you gotta find him and calm him down

Which he loves so much

Sit him down on the floor so he feels more grounded and hold his hand (or hook pinkies that's so cute i jhbflebf) (not the time spencer gtfo)

That way ur not crowding him but you’re still there y'know

And sometimes he’ll talk, sometimes you need to talk him down, sometimes you just sit in silence

Eventually he will lean forward into you and hug you because he doesn't want to talk, but he wants you to know he’s okay

Rub his back, kiss his head, you’ll both be okay

He’s really good with you too

When you’re stressed out he might push a couple buttons but he means well

He just wants to know who made his star upset (he calls you his star or darling convince me otherwise)

So he pushes buttons until you finally talk about it because obviously it’s bothering you why wouldn't you talk about it?? He just wants to fix it??

Sometimes this gets more irritating, sometimes it helps, it depends on the day

But even if you do get into an argument, expect to hear from him before the end of the night apologizing because he feels so bad for arguing with you that he doesn’t even care what the argument was about he just wants to make sure you still love him

I think im getting off topic but tbh this part is always just me rambling lol

Another thing I think of when I think of akaashi is rain. I don't know why but i do

You have to at least know OF the notebook & the rain scene to get this

I don't know the book lol i just know this much and i'm a dork so we’re using it & some quotes just a heads up

But just imagine its pouring and you’re bored and text him like “i wish i could see you but its raining & we didn't really make plans & i don't want you to get caught in the rain anywhere”

This mfer

RUNS ALL THE WAY TO UR HOUSE

JUST SHOWS UP

OUT OF NO WHERE

And being the freakin

book nerd he is

He texts you and goes “I wrote you 365 letters.”

And then just “(come to the door and I’ll finish the quote)”

So you bolt to the front door

And there he is

Soaking wet & smiling like an idiot

“I wrote to you everyday for a year.”

To which you start laughing and barley are able to make out a “it wasn’t over’ (which is the beginning of the next quote) before kissing him

And this jerk pulls you out in the rain with him because WHAT is more romantic than kissing in the rain

Nothing

Anyway he ends up with a cold but you give him some of the clothes you probably stole from him to get into dry clothes and you cuddle under the covers with tea

After you smack him (playfully of course) because “you IDIOT keiji it's pouring out here!!” “I wanted to see you too so i ran over” “you're impossible”

Anyway yeah #emkaashiotp

✧𝐴 𝐷𝑎𝑡𝑒 𝐼𝑑𝑒𝑎✧

a date idea

Bookstore

I'm really good at naming places aren't i

Anyway

Bookstore date

But do something fun where the two of you have to go through an aisle and find a random page and read it in the like

How do i explain this

Make it sound suuuuper sexual without it actually being that way and not laugh

Whoever loses buys lunch

Lets just say you lose a lot dear im sorry (he insists on buying anyway, sometimes he wins that argument)

You’re smiley :) (guys her smile is so cute ebflbejfb em ILY)

Oh also doesn’t matter if he bought lunch or not he always gets you something

Whether it be that book you decided you couldn't get this time or a little trinket that reminded him of you, or sometimes it’s just ice cream

It’s all very sweet (hahaha pun)

He always walks you home and gives you a little kiss when he drops you off

Doesn’t leave till you’re inside & he knows you’re good

You make him promise to text you when he gets home

Which he does, without fail

✧𝑍𝑜𝑑𝑖𝑎𝑐 𝐶𝑜𝑚𝑝𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑏𝑖𝑙𝑖𝑡𝑦✧

zodiac compatibility

Sagittariuses are very intelligent, fair-minded & honest, similar to a Libra’s cleverness & rationale. Because of this similarity, trust is a huge thing in these relationships. It can be all or nothing, but finding balance is important to keep both people happy. Luckily, Libras are very good at this. From everything I’ve seen, these signs together have a very high compatibility and can have a very long-withstanding and healthy relationship.

✧𝐴𝑒𝑠𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑡𝑖𝑐✧

aesthetic

✧𝑃𝑙𝑎𝑦𝑙𝑖𝑠𝑡✧

playlist

House of Gold - Twenty-One Pilots

Lvr Boy - awfultune

A Shitty Love Song - Jye

Darling Get Up - awfultune

Something Just Like This - Alex Goot

✧𝑅𝑢𝑛𝑛𝑒𝑟𝑠 𝑈𝑝✧

runners up

Nishinoya Yuu, Sugawara Koushi

#//ᴍᴀᴛᴄʜᴜᴘꜱ

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autisticangus · 3 years

Text

anyway im so out of the loop on the mcelboys

i pretty much only keep semi-up to date with Sawbones at this point, not cuz i dont still LIKE everything else, just a lot has been goin on in my life

if anyone wants a long and rambly update on All Of The Bullshit im gonna stick a read more down here, asks are open and its cool to message me abt any of it if u want cuz i have some really nice and cool followers/mutuals here that make me comfy talkin abt that shit

as far as the future of this blog goes i wanna start using it more again! the mcelroys have gotten me out of some really dark places before so i hope having more connection to this community and the people here and their content again will help me like it has in the past! ill probs post more general mcelroy content here than previously rather than just taz btw i just gotta fuckin uhhhhh,,,, catch up on a bunch of shit again before this blog is even semi active lmaoo but im like alive and on tumblr regularly again!!

Wow u clicked on this and wanna hear me talk? Ur awesome and sweet, thanks for caring!

These past two years have been extraordinarily tough. This is gonna be a pretty long and detailed post that deals with the sensitive topics of emotional abuse, abusive relationships, and alcoholism. Please read on with caution.

Back in March of 2019, so this was about 3-4 months after i left tumblr, I got a new boyfriend and things started out really good, he was kind of a "bad boy" and it was fun at first. Im kind of a goody-goody so it was very interesting for me at first to be with someone so different who had such different life experiences than me. I liked hearing his stories of living in a traphouse, and running with gangs, and selling drugs, and knowing people who had killed people. I assumed a LOT of it was lies, obviously, who just brags about that shit u know? I just rolled with it, didnt take it seriously, and found the imagined scenarios interesting to listen to. So much of it was obviously played up to make him seem cooler, and I shouldve seen that as the red flag it was, and all my friends did but I didnt.

He had a serious alcohol problem, I mean I had coffee in the morning and he had 2 four lokos before noon. it was bad. about 6 months into the relationship he decided i was cheating on him with my ex who i had recently reconnected with, we missed being friends and things were really going well talking and being friends again, he was really important to me! but my boyfriend saw this as yet another thing i was doing wrong. when he decided i was cheating, that become his focus of alcoholic rage. nearly every time he got drunk, which was several times a week, he would accuse me of things, he would yell and scream, he would call me horrible names and make me cry for literal hours, he never hit me but that shouldnt even matter, i was emotionally battered and mentally bruised and everything hurt. he gaslit me into believing i said and did things i never said or did, i admitted to things that were not real, and then i was yelled at for admitting them. i didnt know what to do.

he was threatening my ex too, he would get drunk and say he knew where he lived (he didnt) or he knew what car he drove (he didnt) and explained to me many times that although he had never killed someone, people had been killed before at his command. he said a bullet in the back of my ex’s brain was just a phone call and $500 away. somedays he would tell me he was just going to do it himself, with a hammer, or a kitchen knife, or whatever weapon he could get his hands on during his explanation of how he would do it. my only option was to agree, to say it didnt matter to me what happened to him, i had to pretend my on

/ly concern was him going to jail for the crime, if i showed any sign that i didn’t want my ex murdered, it clearly meant i was cheating on him.

i pretended to block my ex on social media to get him off my back and it worked a little bit but he still brought it up. and even if he didnt directly mention him, he would always tell me when he was drunk that i was the cause of all his problems, i was why he was so self conscious, i was why he drank so much, i was why he had to work so hard, i was why every single issue he had was happening. logically i knew it was wrong, but i was so conditioned to it by then that i just went with it. i knew that agreeing and apologizing made the fighting end quicker.

things spiraled this past summer. his job needed us to relocate so we moved like 4 states away, away from all my family and friends, and lived in a tiny hotel room for a month. during this time, his drinking was somehow worse. he was drunk literally every night but he was passing out so we didnt fight and i was relieved. i was depressed being stuck in the hotel room all day alone, but thankful i wasnt being abused at least. then he started getting into drunken fistfights with his coworkers in the hotel parking lot. one day he came home just in time to find one of his drunk coworkers trying to break into the room with me there desperately trying to keep him out. i was terrified and wanted to go home but he convinced me to stay. a couple weeks after that we travelled for his work again several more states away. his drinking got a little bit better here, but i was so depressed and lonely, i was so isolated, he was all i saw day in and day out besides his coworkers and i was nervous around them. one day the guy who tried to break in on me, purposefully, while drunk, hit another coworkers car and totaled it and tried to run the guy over and i saw the whole thing. a week later my boyfriend was also fired because he got so drunk he passed out in the hotel parking lot and the company needed to save face with the hotel after the whole car incident.

so we travelled back home, but not my home, to his where we lived isolated on a mountain with no phone signal or wifi. the house was old and not well kept from being empty for several years, half the appliances didnt work. i was more isolated than i have ever been in my life. for 4 months i stayed there and just dreaded him coming home because i knew he would be drunk again and he'd yell or accuse me of things or otherwise belittle me. it was horrible. my friends all said to leave and my parents said to leave but i was so brainwashed into thinking that if i was just a good little housewife and if i just stayed home and did the dishes and the laundry that he would be nicer but he still found things to point at and say i was cheating. he was also becoming really controlling about my food intake and weight and i already struggle with an eating disorder so that just made me feel even more like i had to stay, my brain felt like if i wasnt under his watchful eye id gain weight again, like somehow it was thanks to him i had lost weight and not my own choices.

one day last week i expressed to him wanting to leave, saying how unhappy i was, i told him how sad i felt and how i didnt think we were such a good match. he didnt take me seriously, so the next day when he got sloppy drunk before 5 pm i packed a small bag and went to my moms. i was just gonna stay for a night or two but he called and screamed at me for leaving without telling him, i told him he just didnt remember me telling him because he was so drunk, and he accused me of not caring about his feelings and made me sound like the bad guy for leaving without his permission. i told him it was just for a few days but the angrier he got the more i knew i was in the right and told him i was done. i told him we were breaking up and id come get my stuff soon.

i got my stuff while he was at work this past weekend and moved in with my best friend. im safe and happy now. things are looking so much better for me and im so thankful to my friends and family who supported me all the way to the end.

i just wanted to make this post because, i know its not mcelroy related, and a lot of ppl probably dont care for stuff like this on this kind of blog, but i think its important.

its important to friends and family of people in abusive relationships to be steady. dont give up your ground. even if the person keeps pushing back and wont leave the person, keep being there for them, it can take a long time, it took me almost 2 years to leave, it takes some people even longer, but just stay there for them and be there for them when they finally make that step. dont give up on them.

and to those who have been in these kinds of relationships, and especially those who are there right now: it is not your fault. it is so, so hard to leave, i know, but please try to find help and support and resources to do it. if all your friends dont like someone, theres a good reason for it. please dont fall into the trap of thinking your friends dont have the best intentions for you. there are so many things you may overlook in the moment that others can see from a mile away are horrible. especially if you have been abused in the past. its incredibly hard to tell what is a red flag when your gut instinct is that anything and everything is a red flag. surround yourself with people who you can trust and listen to them

and trust me, i know how hard it is when youre stuck in that spot of KNOWING you should go but fearing that first step away. its scary. its difficult. but it is worth it. find someone safe you can be with. and if you arent sure, find a reason to leave for just a few days, an excuse, anything. give yourself space from the abuser, tell yourself youre going back in a couple days, just get out from under the thumb long enough to clear your head and things will make more sense with the fog lifted.

when i first got in my car and put my kitten on my lap and told her we were going to my moms for a couple nights, i didnt know if that was the truth. i planned to come back and i knew i didnt want to. i only took enough stuff for a couple days. i couldnt imagine my life changing so drastically. where would i live? how would i make money? who take care of me? i had no clue about any of those things. but after a couple days away I realized i would take care of me. i remembered that i had worked jobs before i was with him, i could do it again. i remembered that i had options of where to live. all of those things were so clouded when i was with him, they felt like impossibilities. once i was away, even just for a short time, things were so much easier to parse.

and i know i had many privileges in this journey not everyone is afforded, and my heart goes out to those who read this and are in this situation and the options i had just arent accessible to you, i am so sorry, i wish i had something more to offer you but all i have is my story, and a wish that it gives you some hope at the very least, and a promise that if you need someone to talk to, im here, i will listen, and you will be heard and loved.

i just want everyone who reads to take something small but important away from it. love your friends, love yourself. please stay safe. please dont give up. remember love should not hurt.

#angus.txt #getting deep in here but it felt good to write #i love u all so much ok pls be good urselves

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tsarisfanfiction · 4 years

Text

Melt VI

Fandom: Thunderbirds Rating: Teen Genre: Hurt/Comfort/Angst Characters: Kayo Kyrano, Virgil Tracy, John Tracy, Brains, Grandma Tracy, Scott Tracy

Part 6 of my entry for @gumnut-logic‘s SensorySunday: Smell. Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5

I give up. This fic wants to do its own thing and I am simply the helpless scribe.

A soft hand on her arm alerted Kayo to the fact she was trembling. Not from cold or fear, but anger. She knew Brains, trusted his genius; their Pods were all well-tested and reliable. John said something was afoot, and she fully agreed.

If Grandma hadn’t put her foot down and firmly request she stay and keep her company, she would have been on the mountain by now. John hadn’t been able to find any sign that anyone else had been there, but there was only so much a space station could do, even if that space station was Thunderbird Five. Some detailed scans of the area using her own hand-held scanner, and they’d find something. What that something would be, Kayo didn’t yet know, but it would be something and they’d have a trail.

Someone had tried to kill her brothers. Of that, Kayo had no doubt at all. The question was who, and how?

She rested her hand over Grandma’s, and waited. They hadn’t been able to see Scott before he’d been taken in for surgery, despite John’s guidance through the corridors, but Grandma insisted that she wait for him to come back out before ‘haring off’ on her investigations. Despite her fury that anyone would dare attempt anything like this, the little sister in her wanted to see him for herself, and she’d agreed.

From what she’d gathered from John, Virgil was in no hurry to rendezvous with her, anyway, and Thunderbird Shadow was both faster and closer. She had plenty of time to sit with the elderly woman who had lost so much but refused to give up yet, and wait.

Hospitals were unpleasant places, full of the sick and dying. It tore at her every time one of her brothers ended up in one – this was not the first time, and nor would it be the last. The sterile stench of antiseptics couldn’t quite disguise the prevailing illness of the place. It was almost certainly her imagination, but she could even pick up the congealing scent of burnt flesh, taunting her with the knowledge of what had happened to her brother.

Kayo wasn’t naïve. With her estranged half-uncle and many years investigating the underbelly of the world, she had seen many things that a woman of her age could barely imagine. She’d seen men and women with horrific scarring, with stories of fire to go along with them. If it was so bad that Scott needed surgery – and he did, was in there right now – all the money in the world wouldn’t stop this incident from adding another collection of scars to his skin.

A nurse approached them, informing them that Scott was out of surgery, and despite her clear intention of keeping them away from him for a while longer, there was no arguing with Doctor Sally Tracy. Kayo slipped into the room on the heels of the diminutive yet formidable lady. It was a private room; the boys might dislike using their money for privileges but this was something instilled in them by her father long ago. It was easier to maintain security that way.

Scott was still asleep, too soon out of surgery to have shaken off the anaesthetic, but that made it easier. If he was awake he’d be arguing, refusing to let her go back to the mountain and throwing an absolute fit over Virgil also going back. In an induced sleep, there were no nightmares plaguing him, and the ever-present frown that seemed to be settling as his permanent expression these days was gone.

She ran her fingers through his hair, gel stubbornly clinging in there but losing its battle to keep his preferred hairstyle intact after the day it’d had. If not for the bandages on both his fingers, she might have held his hand, but that wasn’t possible and besides, she had places to be. This visit was a quick one of simple reassurance for her; he was alive. A more sentimental, emotional, visit could wait until she’d got to the bottom of what had happened.

“I’ll be back,” she promised. She met Grandma’s eyes, got a nod, and left.

“Virgil’s fifteen minutes out,” John told her the moment she left the hospital, appearing above her wrist uninvited. He didn’t ask redundant questions – how is he, how did the surgery go? Like her, John had one priority – find out what happened, and make sure it wouldn’t happen again. He probably already knew the answers to those questions, anyway. Kayo had long since accepted that the combination of Thunderbird Five and John Tracy was enough to terrorise anyone who knew the full extent of their reach, and that was before EOS entered the equation.

She didn’t know how much John saw, but she trusted that he saw enough, and that he ensured she knew everything she needed to.

Closer and faster, she got to the mountain first.

“Don’t land or leave Thunderbird Shadow until Virgil arrives,” John told her firmly. Even if she didn’t know the Tracy’s personal history with avalanches, Kayo would have been wary. As it was, she appreciated that their already fierce protectiveness was ramped up to the extreme in this environment and additional situation. She could handle this herself, but out of respect to a family that had never fully healed, she didn’t.

Instead, she had Thunderbird Shadow lazily circle the peak, keeping far enough away that her engines wouldn’t trigger another avalanche, and set the scanners going. Immediately a signal jumped out at her, Thunderbird Shadow locating her buried sister. That was where Scott and Gordon had been found; presumably, that was also where they and the HeliPod remains had landed.

She spiralled down lower, until she could see disturbed snow with her naked eye. Tell-tale signs of something heavy on otherwise loose snow told her where Virgil had landed to retrieve them, with the hole he had melted leading down towards Thunderbird One’s signal.

Her brothers had been buried there. She tightened her grip on the yoke.

“Thunderbird Shadow, I’m on final approach now,” Virgil said, his hologram appearing above her console. He looked tense, and she remembered John mentioning the family bear being unhappy with the return mission. That didn’t seem to have been an overstatement – in fact, from the look on his face it was almost certainly an understatement.

“F.A.B., Thunderbird Two,” she responded, turning her ship around to see the green craft appearing on the horizon.

“What’s our plan?” he asked her. His voice was clipped; no, Virgil was not happy.

“I’ve already done a fly-by of the mountain. No signs of anyone except our climbers,” she reported, scowling at the peak. There had to be something. There was no way Brains’ well-used invention would have exploded like that otherwise. “I’ll keep looking, unless you need a hand with Thunderbird One?”

“Keep looking; I’ve got MAX with me for extra hands,” Virgil grunted. “Brains also wants him to retrieve or at least scan the remains of the HeliPod once we’ve got Thunderbird One secure.” Kayo rather suspected that Brains’ priority was less the Thunderbird and more the HeliPod, but said nothing. There was a time and a place to poke an angry bear with a stick. This was neither. As long as they got all the information they needed, the order in which they gathered it probably wouldn’t matter.

“F.A.B., Virgil,” she said instead. “I’ll leave Thunderbird Shadow hovering and-”

“No,” he interrupted. “Stay in that cockpit.” The glare she got through the hologram told her that if she even tried to leave Thunderbird Shadow, she’d find herself plucked out of the air by a grappling cable.

She’d forgotten just how touchy Virgil could be when Scott was hospitalised. Their brother’s hospitalisation, combined with their current location, had him entirely on edge. If it was Scott, she’d have argued. John could be dealt with via a ‘communications blackout’, while Gordon and Alan were straight-up ignorable as long as it wasn’t their speciality environments.

When Virgil was in this mood, it was best to just obey him no matter how much her instincts screamed that she’d get better information if she went EVA.

If push came to shove, she could always come back again later.

As it turned out, push did not come to shove.

Her circling remained fruitless all the while Virgil and MAX worked together to extract a battered Thunderbird One from the snow – it was a good thing Scott wasn’t there to see the damage the avalanche had inflicted on his precious ‘bird. The side facing the downslope was near enough intact, but from the sky it was painfully obvious that the perfectly cylindrical shape of the main fuselage was no longer perfectly cylindrical. The right wing was crooked and clearly wouldn’t be retracting into its sheath any time soon, and the side of the hull looked like it had been punched repeatedly by a giant.

There was a painful symmetry in how both the right side of Scott’s body and the right side of his bird were injured. Kayo immediately decided not to dwell on that and watched from a hovering position higher up the mountain as the silver Thunderbird was hauled clear of the snow by her big green sister.

“MAX is scanning now,” Virgil told her after a moment. “Is something wrong? You’ve been hovering in the same place for a few minutes.”

“No, nothing’s wrong,” she assured him. “Just-” An unwelcome thought struck her. “Virgil, where were the climbers trapped?”

“You’re hovering right there,” he told her, and the unwelcome thought spread wings.

She was hovering here because it gave her a good view of the mountainside and the crash site.

Neither she nor John had found any evidence of anyone else anywhere near the mountain.

“Virgil, where did you drop off the climbers?”

“The hospital,” he shrugged. “Didn’t have a chance to check them over myself, and we were going there any- Kayo?”

Dammit.

She gunned the full throttle.

“Kayo?” John had joined in again, and she caught a glimpse of Alan behind him. When had John gone home? “What’s going on?”

“Brains, once MAX is done scanning the HeliPod, have him scan the mountain immediately below where the climbers were rescued,” she ordered.

“W-What? W-Why?”

“Think about it! We’re not showing up evidence of anyone else, and the climbers could see everything in the valley from where they were,” she pointed out agitatedly. “We were so busy looking for something else-”

“We forgot about the climbers,” Virgil finished, his face a dawning horror.

“Put me through to Grandma,” she told John.

“Already done,” he said, as the older woman appeared over her console.

“Dear, what’s going on?”

“Don’t leave Scott’s side, and don’t let anyone you don’t recognise in,” she said quickly, pushing her ‘bird to go faster. Someone had tried to kill Scott and Gordon, and if she was right that same someone was in the hospital with a now unconscious Scott, whose only protection was his grandmother. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“You think they’ll try to finish the job?” Alan asked her, his voice small. She’d forgotten he was with John.

“I’m not taking chances,” she replied grimly. No point sugar-coating things at this point. “John, my ETA’s two minutes; what’s EOS got from the security cameras?”

“Nothing yet,” he said, equally grim. “But we’ll keep looking.”

“Let me know what you get,” she replied. “Brains, what’s MAX found?”

“MAX is still w-working on the scans of t-the HeliPod,” he said somewhat apologetically.

“I’ve got Thunderbird Two scanning,” Virgil interjected. If she’d thought he was angry earlier, now he was downright thunderous, not that she could blame him. “You’re right, Kayo. There’s something here that doesn’t look like it should be.”

He didn’t share the scan results with her, but John and Brains simultaneously let out noises that could almost be hisses.

“That’d do it, alright,” John muttered darkly. “This whole mission was a trap.”

The hospital loomed in front of Kayo and she grit her teeth.

You should never have left Scott and Grandma alone in an unsecure hospital. That was a rookie mistake, Tanusha Kyrano.

She just hoped it wasn’t a mistake that would cost a life.

Part 7

#sensorysunday #sensorysunday2020 #thunderbirds are go #thunderbirds are go fanfiction #tsari writes fanfiction #kayo kyrano #virgil tracy #john tracy #brains #grandma tracy #MAX #alan tracy #scott tracy #eos #melt

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yuiopiklmn · 3 years

Text

Angel Chapter 1

Word Count: 1846 words

Summary: Angel is about a girl with a secret that she doesn't even know about. Bobby Singer found her when she was only a couple months old. She has an awkward reunion with two of her childhood best friends, and then she is stuck on a hell of a ride till the end of the road.

Pairing: Unknown

Characters: Addison Singer, Two childhood besties, and some police officers

Warnings: Language and descriptions of gore

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Need to catch up:

Background

Prologue

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*24 years later*

(S1 EP1 of Supernatural)

I was driving decently fast down the road traveling from Sioux Falls, South Dakota all the way to Jericho, California. I was on my way to check out a bridge where a car was found, its owner was missing for quite a few days now. However, the reports aren’t clear. I plan to be the one to figure out if there is a mystery ahead.

After jamming out and driving for about 24 hours I was finally at my location. I arrived at the bridge where a man had disappeared leaving behind a bloody body and a locked car, as the reports would say.

Here we go again, I thought as I started walking to the site. I mean, don’t get me wrong; I love doing what I’m doing because hunting is my life, but sometimes it’s tiring to walk in heels all day and investigate. I just want to gank some bitch and head to my next location, which is home. I am going to take a break from cases for a bit and go back to visit Bobby since he’s worried about my growing obsession which is….. hunting. Plus I miss my dad and would love to help out around the junkyard. I don’t see hunting as a bad thing, and I may only get 3-4 hours of sleep, maybe less, but I am saving people and that's what's important to me.

I got to the road approaching the taped-off bridge and parked next to some police cars. I turned off the ignition, checked if I looked decent, and got out. I fixed my leather jacket and headed over to the man standing next to the caution tape.

“Excuse me ma’am, but this bridge is closed for an investigation. No pedestrians are allowed on site,” he said, suddenly standing up much straighter than he was initially.

“I’m Agent Dawson. I was sent by the FBI,” I said as I pulled out my badge and quickly put it back just as quick, so that he wouldn't notice that it was a fake, then I continued, “I have orders to be here.” I might’ve said that a bit sarcastically, but he didn’t seem concerned. I sighed in relief as he moved to the side to let me through to the scene of the murder.

There were very few cops at the scene and they were mostly talking to each other, heads down writing quickly on clipboards and laptops. They didn’t even look up as I made my way over to the car. I was able to catch some of the conversations: a lead, the victim was dating the police chief's daughter. I got to the car and looked inside, but there appeared to be nothing, absolutely nothing. I don’t understand. There is no blood like the report said, no sign of struggle because there was no body... nothing. I made sure nobody was looking and pulled out my EMF reader. The numbers didn’t rise once… Something weird is definitely going on here. It doesn’t smell like sulfur, but I’m sure something supernatural happened here. Deciding to get some information, I went up to the two officers talking about the police chief’s daughter that I heard about earlier.

“Excuse me?” I asked trying my best not to sound young because sometimes I get nervous and they assume that I am a kid needing help. That can set me back a lot and get me kicked off the scene if I’m not careful.

“Yes, can we help you?” One officer said while looking to the other….with a confused look

“Yes, you can actually. What do you know about the victim that was killed?” I heard one of you say something about him dating someone.”

“Yes, he is dating my daughter, Amy. She has been worried sick about him. She has been out all day putting missing posters up around the town.”

“Thank you for the information. Do you know if there is any relation to the victims other than them being all male?”

“Not that we know of.” I nodded my head and quickly jotted the information down. I need to go downtown and find Amy. We need to chat so that I can get more information about her boyfriend.

“Thank you, officers,” I said hurriedly when I heard that two more men were on the scene, I think they were Federal Marshals. They might figure out that I’m not supposed to be here, and then my cover will be blown. On my way out I tried to keep my head down, but I walked right into someone a lot taller than me. “Shit,” I whispered.

“I’m so sorry,” He paused before saying, “Wait a minute, Addi! Is that you?” I looked up as the man said my name, and I was met with a familiar set of eyes. The exact pair of eyes that belonged to…

Sam Winchester, just as giant-like as I remember. He has been my best friend since childhood, and we just recently went our separate ways since I ended college. Last I heard he was still in college since he was 2 years younger than me.

“Sammy!?!” I yelled a bit too loud causing the cops to look in our direction, “Sorry…” I let out a nervous laugh as I turned back to face Sam trying to act casual, “Heya Sammy! Long time no see.”

“I could say the same about you, you look great, how are you?”

“I’m great now that you’re here, it's been a long day so far. How are you? How’s Jess? Why are you here? I thought you wanted to be a lawyer…” I said in a goofy tone to mess with him before taking a breath, and quietly laughing to myself. It felt good to talk to him again.

“I am doing good, and Jess is as well. I see you took on the family business. Did biochemistry just not cut it? Also, I still want to be a lawyer, and I’m younger than you, dummy.” he teased.

“I mean, I liked it at the start but I realized my heart was in love with the family business more than any job I could get, and I hated being in an office all day instead of going out, and saving people which is what I love doing, ya dummy. Anything new?’

“I have an interview on Monday, but then this one,” Sam gestured to his right. My eyes stayed on Sam as he continued to speak. “dragged me out saying that dad was on a hunting trip and hasn’t been home, so I decided to tag along and help him figure out where he went.” He paused and then mumbled something under his breath, I didn’t realize he had just swore and it took me a second to figure out why. I recognized who Sam had just mentioned not and how this said person usually causes…...pain for me.

At first, I ignored the person next to Sam. I love Sammy and I assumed it was just another hunter, but when he brought up John, I knew exactly who it was. That’s when I turned to the person on the right of Sam and caught the gaze of his beautiful, forest green eyes. Those set of eyes belonged to the one and only Dean Winchester, Sam’s older brother. It felt as though time froze when I stared into his eyes. I used to always get lost in them, and clearly, I still do. Then my gaze moved down to his nose and cheeks, and I started counting all the freckles on his face. I used to do this when we were younger. Oh, how I could-someone coughed and made me lose my train of thought

“H-Hi Addi…..um...it's been a really long time. Haha.” He cleared his throat again and rubbed the back of his neck like he was nervous.

Then Sammy continued trying to move the conversation forward from the tension between the two of us of what happened in the past. “Sooooo I see you are working the same case we are. Want to partner up for old time's sake? You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” He murmured something to himself again, probably quietly going through the rest of the sentence, but I cut him off before he continued his spiraling.

“I would love to, Sam. I might as well since we’re all here. By the way, I already took some interviews and looked at the car and crime scene, so you guys could go into town and find Amy; the police chief's daughter and former girlfriend of the man who went missing. She is putting up missing posters around town. Anyway, I got to go and take a breather…..you know...since it was a long drive. So, I will text you my motel’s address and my room number, so that we can exchange information.” a couple officers walked up to us when I was about to leave and we all stayed in awkward silence.

“Who are these two, Agent Dawson?” He looked at me and forced a smile.

“They are… Federal Marshals,” they showed their badges as I continued, “I would love to chat, but I have to go. Thank you for your time officers… marshals.” I said nodding my head to the brothers and turned away.

I briskly walked away before anyone could stop me. I don’t think I could handle much more of that. My heart was hammering loud and fast, I could hear it in my ears. When I was talking to Dean and Sammy, I was chatting faster than I could think, unaware of half the words coming out of my mouth. Why! Why him...why did he have to be here. I should have seen it coming…as kids the boys were always inseparable.

I unlocked my car and hopped in quickly. I started the ignition and sped away in silence. I pulled onto the side of the road a few miles away from the scene, so that no one would see me and parker. I opened the glove-box of my car, knowing exactly what I was reaching for before I even realized I wanted it. I pulled out a small box and opened it, looking at the contents inside before my eyes landed on a small black box. Inside was a silver locket that I’ve had since I was in Highschool. It was old and rusty and needed to be polished. The exact locket I got as a teenager. The exact locket I got from the man I thought I loved. The exact locket from the man that left me that night 9 years ago. The exact locket that the man that goes by the name Dean Winchester gave to me. Hearing that name ring through my mind made me go into hyperdrive. I threw the locket back into the black box before throwing it back into the compartment, not caring about the box that was still in my lap and drove off.

A/N: Gosh that took forever it feels like I have been pushing back writing this chapter, but I still added some snippets here and there, as the weeks progressed. Again I promise that this story will have a normal posting schedule, but I still haven’t figured it out. I am only going to put the author’s notes at the end of the chapters, not whole chapters dedicated to them like previous books. Anyway, I hope you guys are enjoying this book as much as I enjoy creating and writing out these ideas. Again this has been in my head since I was on season 4 and now I am on the show has ended and I completed it. So this is like a farewell thing I guess. I think I started to come up with this stuff in March or April of 2020 crazy right. These chapters are going to be somewhat increasingly longer as ideas start to come back to me and pasted together. Anyway, that is all. See you in the next chapter my lovely bumblebees. Buh-bye!

#Angel #original writing #original character #bobby singer #supernatural #spn story #ongoing #fanfic #fandom #dean winchester #sam winchester #police officer #monster #creature #art #fanfiction #original story #ocs

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why-this-kolaveri-machi · 5 years

Text

what does this have to do with clownfish?

i know this was a mostly sad episode that ended on a rather disquieting note, but i was grinning from ear to ear by the end, you guys. I LOVE THIS SILLY SHOW SO MUCH, and i want to tell you why, so let’s talk about titans 2.04:

SPOILERS ahead

1. i get why we’re getting a flashback episode now--the titans’ ~sordid past~ with deathstroke has gotten a fair bit of build-up, and now that slade has jason, we need the history between him and the og team to contextualise the upcoming confrontation. still, i was really looking forward to having kory reunite with the team, goddamit!

1.5. i like the convivial, almost collegiate vibe that the original titans have about them--the idea of them getting together both desperate to prove that they are more than what their origins and youth might suggest, and to dick around (pun not intended) and just... be, in a way that their individual circumstances wouldn’t allow them. costumes on, in mission-mode, they are trained and hyper-competent, but in their downtime they apparently like adorably warbling off-key at each other and re-enacting 90s/00s cheesy rom-coms. it’s great! i would’ve loved to see these kinds of flashbacks drip-fed to us right from the beginning of the season--putting it all in one episode, from aqualad’s introduction to demise all in forty minutes, not only screws up the pacing, but also robs us of more of garth’s genuinely warm chemistry with the rest of the team.

1.67. besides, the immediate contrast between this and the way dick conducts the titans now would’ve been funny and quite impactful.

2. for all that dick seemed standoffish and genuinely frightened of himself in s1, the slightly less filtered look we get into his mind in this flashback--well before his existential crisis--is somehow even more disquieting?? the way he talks about batman and his relationship with dawn and even his friendship with donna smacks of an alarming emotional disconnect; a space where his sense of self has fallen and been replaced by a role that he has been trained to play. he smiles more in this episode than probably all eleven of s1 combined, but he’s far more reserved, afraid of vulnerability, and completely unwilling to express any emotion that would come in the way of him being who he Needs To Be.

2.45. this episode puts into sharp relief just how far dick has come to make peace with bruce in 2.01. here batman is a glowing symbol against the night sky; a shadowy figure promising justice is vengeance and not the other way around; a hulking figure that he can hate and love without reserve, that orders him to be better no matter how exhausted he is, even while standing between him and incomprehensible evil like a bulwark. at the heart of the titans tower--a skyscraper on the opposite side of the country from gotham--is another batcave, a sign that how no matter how far he goes, dick’s perception of himself and his relationships is still inextricably tied to batman and his ways.

it’s the missing link between the angry, grieving boy we saw in flashbacks last season, and the man rapidly spiralling into crisis at the beginning of season 1. he’s internalised batman’s mission before he can decide for himself what he wants to be, and he’s been like this well into his adult years (unlike the comics). no wonder when the moment he goes Too Far finally comes, when he’s so burrowed into himself that vengeance becomes an end rather than a tool, it’s such a violent upheaval, and one that he hasn’t quite been able to put to rest in over a season.

2.65. honestly the matter of fact way he talks about being dawn’s rebound relationship after her breakup is haunting me?? dick grayson--robin, batman’s partner, the First Sidekick, leader of the titans, friend, brother, lover, a valuable asset with trackers in his arm and neck--is so utterly subsumed that his feelings, his self, automatically comes second to the role he’s playing. i wonder if he had found that he’d had a tracker installed in his body without his knowledge at this point, he’d have accepted the cold logic of it (of course batman needs to keep track of him), instead of the visceral reaction he has five years later, when he immediately picks up a knife and cuts it out of his skin.

2.95. (retrospectively it lends so much more meaning to the opening scene of 1.08??? where dick says he needs to go off on his own to get his bearings right instead of staying on to be the Leader after their traumatic time at the asylum and kory and the others are quietly accepting of it?? where’s that ‘that’s growth’ gif when you need it)

3. donna! it’s interesting that her role as a titan was always meant to be a pitstop before she moved on to Greater Things, and her struggle to reconcile that with her growing attachment to the team came across really well. jillian’s never really pressuring her to leave immediately--six months! two weeks! idk, forever! really, it’s your pick!--but donna tells dick she needs to leave that very night, either because she’s hoping that he’ll protest and ask her to stay, or that she’ll fall for garth and lose her wavering conviction to leave if she stayed any longer, or both.

3.5. donna and garth’s relationship followed so many wonderfully cheesy conventions, with all of their attendant adorableness and Problems. the scions of two different royal families of two different races falling in Forbidden Love! garth clumsily flirting with donna even as she keeps turning him down! (not cool, garth!) bonding over reminiscing about quirky childhood memories! consulting a put-upon mutual best friend! the last minute reconciliation and confession of love at the airport! garth dying right after celebrating his birthday! (that cop was just a day away from retirement!) PERFECT

like. i have NO IDEA why people still insist on calling this show ‘dark’ and ‘edgy’. don’t let the weird lighting and occasional blood spatter distract you from the goofy, well-intentioned heart right at its centre, you guys!

(but man, dick and donna’s quiet heartbreak at the prospect of separation was harder to watch. for a moment, dick really let himself feel the burden, sinking onto his haunches, his head in his hand like he was about to cry. just a moment.)

4. the others’ reaction to garth’s death is very telling. donna is devastated; hank and dawn are upset, but in a distant way that suggests that they didn’t really know him very well or for very long; and dick... well dick is hard at work in his batcave, because that is how he knows to react to disaster.

4.5. i know that i spend quite a bit of my reviews harping on and on about dick, but he is more than just the team leader, or the one with the most well-defined arc so far, or the connective tissue between the old and new teams: the titans is HIS, in ways both subtle and insubtle. batman is funding the whole thing; their resources, their tech? all wayne enterprises. by extension, this shindig is dick’s idea, dick’s operation, something he shaped after himself--serene, beautiful, somewhat impersonal on the surface and batman-the-symbol, batman-the-phantom, right at the centre.

4.65. so when the burden of morality-bending vengeance falls squarely on dick’s shoulders, it seems natural. it also seems entirely natural that when dick does follow through on what the team wants from him, the fallout is also put square on him: he’s the one that’s gone completely off the rails, the one that would sacrifice anything for a mission (like hank implies in the previous episode), the one haunted by his own darkness. this, of course, is patently false, as trigon demonstrated earlier this season.

5. the opening scene of slade wilson doing the Thing He Does Best was so fun to watch. i love that this show is always trying to do interesting things with the camera. (tho i wonder, who hired him to take out donna troy in san fran? was that even his original objective? was it dr light? i am Confusion)

5.5. ... even tho the villain-confrontation scenes seemed hampered by low effects budgets and a lack of... kineticism. i can’t figure out how dr light works even after two episodes of seeing him do his thing. he can apparently implant light bombs in people but never seems to use this awesome ability again, when it can actually help him against the titans?

6. the moment i saw joey wilson’s profile through the window of his home, i knew he was going to be my favourite character on this show. i love him and his enthusiasm and his cute shoes and his love for vintage records SO MUCH! i know it’s been hinted that he died, but i can’t bear the prospect for even a second. HE’S ALIVE AND WELL SOMEWHERE HAVING TEA AND LISTENING TO GREAT MUSIC WITH AMY ROHRBACH, I JUST KNOW IT

6.5. dick (and the others) wouldn’t be so horrified with themselves and think about shuttering the titans for good if they hadn’t felt some kind of attachment to jericho. dick especially i think is going to fall into an actual honest friendship with joey and is going to extremely disgusted with himself when it all ends in tragedy anyway.

6.75. we’re probably not going to find out what actually happened to joey for a while, but here’s hoping the Unforgivable won’t happen.

7. on the brightside tho, KORY’S BACK NEXT EP! can’t wait.

#titans #titans spoilers #dick grayson #donna troy #garth #joey wilson #jericho #meta

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lorylilybomber · 5 years

Text

Okay so I have an anime crossover issue:

I am watching and LOVING the Fruits Basket reboot. And I am also a long-time lover of OHSHC. And it occurred to me that, while crossovers are often very cringey, the opportunities between these two shows, if handled correctly, work like a dream. And there ARE plenty of FBxOHSHC fanfics out there.

The problem?

Hardly any of them seem to take proper advantage of the opportunities presented. The largest percentage of fic I’ve seen can be placed into one of two camps: “look at my OC she’s the secret 14th zodiac member and she goes to Ouran” or “Haruhi is actually a sohma and the secret 14th Zodiac member”

First off: look—there is no wolf in the Chinese zodiac. There is no fox, or raven, or jaguar, or—just, stop.

Second of all, there’s plenty of new ways to play with this crossover concept that are lots of fun to read—because they don’t have to change the rules of either universe!

(also, why do the Sohmas always have to go to Ouran? Can’t it be the other way around? I’m just saying, as sweet as Tohru is, she is canonically nowhere close to winning any sort of scholarship to attend school at Ouran, even if the sohma boys do.)

Imagine, if you will, some of the following scenarios:

Tamaki, in one of his usual bids for host club bonding and commoner research, arrange for the host club to attend a commoner high school for a month. In order to convince Kyoya to come with, Tamaki specifically chooses a high school that is attended by members of the influential-yet-hermit-level-elusive Sohma family. Once they’re there, of course, Tamaki wastes no time establishing a place for the host club to continue their activities, because beauty must be shared with the world, of course!!! From there, imagine some of these scenarios:

1: Tamaki hears of the school’s Prince, and seeks out Yuki in order to induct (or, more accurately, abduct) him into the Host Club whether he likes it or not. (On that note, imagine how the Prince Yuki fan club might react to the Host Club’s presence).

2: Contrariwise, Tamaki knows of the Prince, but is more interested in the school’s aloof Tsudere Type, Kyo. Cue Kyo being incredibly angry and flustered as Tamaki and the twins keep kidnapping him to try and induct him. Possibly include Tamaki noticing kyo’s feelings for Tohru and deciding to coach him on how to be a true gentleman.

3: Imagine Shigure’s reaction to EITHER of those events.

4: in a different or perhaps related chain of events, imagine Tamaki meeting Ayame, essentially adopting him as his senpai, and the learning about his estranged relationship with Yuki. The Tamaki Suoh we know would immediately commence Operation Brotherly Reconciliation before you could blink.

5: imagine after establishing the Commoner High School Host Club, Momiji decides this looks fun and wants to hang out there. They don’t take him on as a host, since they already have Hunny, but he’s still happy to have made a bunch of new friends! And the best part is!!! They’re all guys!!!! And they’re (almost) all emotionally available!!! Which means he can hug them without restraint!!! He hugs Hunny! He hugs Tamaki!!! He thinks about hugging Kyoya but second guesses himself!!! He hugs Haruh—wait.

6: immediately after point number 5, Kyo and Yuki are rapidly switching between panicked and confused. While Yuki and Haruhi are basically Spider-Man-pointing at each other saying “Explain????” Kyo does one of two things:

7: he blurts out something relevant but woefully poorly contexted to Haruhi like “WAIT HOLD ON TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT.” Which elicits a violent reaction from the twins/Tamaki which is headed off by Kyoya/Mori.

8: he grabs Momiji and starts shaking and yelling at him for being stupid and Hunny’s affection for a) his new friend and b) cute bunnies translates into him twisting Kyo’s arm or otherwise kicking his butt to take Momiji away from him because remember, kids! “picking on [Hunny’s] friends is a no-no!”

9: Kyo is dumbstruck because wait this twerp knows martial arts? Cue a running joke/side arc throughout the story in which Kyo keeps trying to get Hunny to fight him because getting beaten up by a twerp is stupidly emasculating and Kyo needs to win back his pride. Meanwhile Hunny sees no reason to fight or indulge Kyo and keeps refusing him (you know..because he’s actually a mature 18 year old). The arc may end in Kyo learning to humble himself and asking Hunny if he could maybe teach him some moves? Followed by Hunny beaming at him and saying yes.

10: how would Kyoya react if he were to learn the Sohma secret? How would he negotiate with the Sohma family? Could he? What stops Hatori from wiping their memories, if anything?

11: How would HARUHI react? Miss “Believes in nothing paranormal?” How would Tamaki react? As the King of Sticking His Nose Into Your Business, he may attempt to make it his mission to break the curse. (Of course, he fails in the end, but they all become friends anyway.)

OR, perhaps they don’t even need to go to the same school at all. Imagine this:

1: Kyoya, in preparation for running some of his family’s hospitals, or perhaps as part of a special inspection, or a possible acquisition, or whatever else, visits a hospital owned by the Sohmas

(Listen, we know that the sohma’s HAVE to own at least one hospital. Preparations for any possible Zodiac birth would have to be EXTENSIVE. Imagine if they’re anticipating a new Dragon? All Sohma women are now compelled to have water births. Why? BECAUSE SCIENCE SAYS SO, SHUT UP, WE’RE DOCTORS. Once the new Dragon’s been born? NEVERMIND NO MORE WATERBIRTHS DONT ASK QUESTIONS. They have veterinarians on call who never really know for sure why they’re paid to just keep a special phone on them, but one day they’re called into a human hospital and forced to sign a huge stack of NDA’s before being brought to a delivery room. One day when he’s training his replacement the kid asks “hey why are you making me read about how to care for baby seahorses?” And the older doctor gets faraway flashback eyes, shakes his head and says “just keep reading, son.” I could honestly go on. I would read an entire fic just about the people working at one of these hospitals.)

Anyway, Kyoya is at the Sohma hospital when something curse related happens. You can honestly pick. Either way, Kyoya goes through an interesting spiral:

2: first, after getting himself the fuck out of there as soon as Hatori’s eyes are off of him, he has a barely-self contained nervous breakdown the minute he gets himself alone in his room because the idea of Kyoya instantly accepting anything remotely fantastical is ridiculous. His friends are worried about him but have no idea what happened because if Kyoya vocalizes it, that means it’s real!!!! And he!!! Just can’t!!! Also, he REALLY doesn’t need the twins teasing him and calling him insane or Haruhi asking if he has a fever.

3: then, after he collects himself, he begins doing his Kyoya thing and collecting information. Obviously a condition (he refuses to call it a curse) with such a easily exploitable trigger couldn’t have been kept a secret for so long. So the Sohma’s are keeping people quiet somehow. There isn’t any history of people disappearing around the sohma’s, so it’s either money, threats, or induced amnesia. So, of course, Kyoya prepares for all three. (Of course, even if they WANTED to kidnap or kill Kyoya, his connection to the Ootori family and its extensive police force would prevent that.)

4: and still, even if this curse idea is utterly ridiculous—and it is—this is the biggest piece of negotiation material Kyoya has ever acquired, and its on the SOHMAS. The one family that almost never deals with anyone. With the sohma’s being such a powerful yet reclusive family, he’s not about to let such a large chip go that easily.

5: cue a delightful mental cat-and-mouse game between Kyoya, Hatori, and eventually Akito. Akito getting involved means Shigure is definitely involved as well, if he isn’t already after Hatori.

6: Akito, being a very impatient person, wants Kyoya either hypnotized or under their thumb YESTERDAY. But he knows he can’t just bring him to the house without raising many important eyebrows. So what is he to do to get Kyoya to cooperate?

7: they could go for the heart, perhaps. Kyoya’s best friend Suoh seems stupid enough. Akito begins to charm Tamaki (who Kyoya has not informed of the curse) and establish a sort of power play in front of Kyoya—“see, he likes me, I can get him to go anywhere I want.”

8: Contrariwise, Akito decides they can’t target his best friend Suoh for the same reasons he can’t target Kyoya. Oh, but...look here. A commoner named Fujioka with no money or status, hardly any family....he’ll do fine.

7: if Tamaki gets in a room alone with Akito, the dynamic could get interesting. After Akito turns scary, Tamaki might take a bit of a beating, but then (as the bighearted and surprisingly wise person he is) he starts talking to Akito, and trying to genuinely connect with him. Whether this works or not would be up to the author.

8: If Haruhi was in a room alone with Akito, presumably brought against her will, she would probably be confused and annoyed, but eventually a little frightened and out of her depth (Akito tends to have that effect on people). But she would also piss Akito off VERY fast, with how observant yet practical and blunt she is. She would say some things that hit Akito hard, and she would probably be attacked fairly quickly. Shigure or Hatori would have to step in to protect her, and perhaps SHE learns about the curse in the process.

Honestly, it could go many different ways. But basically I wanted to demonstrate how Fruits Basket/OHSHC crossovers could be much more unique and interesting with fascinating character dynamics, whether the story is a comedy or a drama. Then, as a few honorable mentions:

Everyone compares Haruhi and Tohru’s Mom situation. But how would Haruhi react if she learned Momiji’s situation?

The twins harassing Kyo. Or, the twins harassing Haru and triggering Black Haru.

Tamaki charming Tohru and poor Tohru not knowing how to react (and Yuki and Kyo getting Very Frustrated.)

Shigure and Tamaki becoming friends because of course they would.

Shigure and RANKA becoming friends because OF COURSE THEY WOULD.

Ranka being a regular at Ayame’s store.

Etc etc etc. and that’s with just the more major characters. Hanajima and Uotani interacting with the host club would also be hilarious.

Anyway, point’s made—Fruits Basket and Host Club are fantastic crossover material, and deserve more unique content!!!

#Host Basket #Fruits Club #OHSHC #Fruits Basket #Furuba #fruits basket 2019 #ouran high school host club #crossovers #Fruits Basket x OHSHC #fanfic prompt

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firelxdykatara · 5 years

Note

🔥 tvd. unleash the salt.

YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF MEEKS

-cough-

no but ok, my biggest unpopular opinion re: tvd? (judging mostly from what i’ve seen come out of what’s left of the ‘fandom’ since s6 when 99% of it jumped fuckin’ ship, but anyway)

the show turning to shit had absolutely nothing to do with delena becoming canon

like, i’ll be reading someone’s anti tvd post, and i’ll see something like ‘it started going downhill in s4′ and nod along, but then ‘when dullena became canon’ and it’s like -record scratch-

no. hold up. -squirts with a waterbottle-

anyone who didn’t realize that damon and elena were being set up to become canon down the line as early as season one were either in denial or just weren’t paying attention. i could write for days about all the signs and all the ways their relationship developed and how they each developed as characters, but i don’t have the energy to focus on the good about tvd anymore so i don’t feel like it. (i always have energy for salt, though. must be my high-sodium diet.)

there are a couple things we know for a fact about early tvd. one is that kevin williamson was largely in charge of the show as head showrunner for the first three seasons. another is that williamson left the show after season three–his name was still on it, but he moved onto another project, and julie plec was left in charge. given those two facts, and my belief that the show’s decline in s4 was far more gradual and less visible than it was in s5, when the show jumped the shark and over a fucking cliff, we (or at least i do, you don’t have to agree but it’s the story that makes the most sense to me so i’m sticking to it) can infer that kevin williamson left at least something of an outline behind for the season following his departure, and the rest was left up to julie as she meandered her way through three more seasons–two of which the show should never have had–with only the vaguest idea of an endpoint in mind.

(as early as season 2, julie said that she and kevin already knew how they wanted the show to end–or at least, they knew what they wanted the last words to be. given that the series finale ended the same way the pilot episode did, with damon showing up on stefan’s porch wearing his trademark smirk and saying ‘hello brother’, i can buy that they had this particular scene in mind when initially planning the overall series arc. i also think that julie plec went mad with the power she suddenly had over the story once williamson left, and any other tentative plans that may have been made were either forgotten or discarded in favor of magic vampire uteruses and pointless romantic arcs and killing characters off right before the end of the show for no real reason. but anyway, i digress.)

I THINK I’VE GOTTEN A LITTLE OFF TOPIC. anyway. if delena wasn’t the beginning of the end (we’ve established that delena–if not as an endgame, but certainly as a relationship that would need to be explored–was in the cards from the very beginning, and had achieved most of its crucial relationship beats by the s3 finale [all that remained was elena gaining closure for her decaying relationship with stefan before she could fully move on]), what was?

two things, primarily: the sire bond, and the cure.

now, neither of these things seemed particularly egregious at first. in fact, up until the end of the season, i was convinced the sire bond would be revealed to have never actually existed, because the ‘signs’ were so badly contrived that they had to be red herrings designed to make the characters doubt themselves and their feelings. in hindsight, i realize the piss poor writing surrounding the bond was emblematic of issues that would plague, and eventually destroy, the rest of the series. and until it came back in season six and undid literal years worth of character development for the central character of the fucking series, i actually thought the cure plotline in s4 was a stroke of brilliance–shoddily handled in a few places, but still solid enough in execution to make up for it.

because elena, having become a vampire, needed to have the option to become human again presented to her–and then she needed to reject it. Which she did, twice, at the end of the season–first when she offered it to Stefan without a second thought, and second when she shoved it down Katherine’s throat, again without a moment of hesitation. (Technically three times, if you count the fact that she was ready to force it on Damon, but that, at least, was motivated by her desire to save his life, since he was dying from werewolf venom at the time.)

elena’s arc throughout season 4 (and that’s another of my unpopular opinions–elena didn’t change into an unrecognizable monster when she became a vampire, becoming a vampire allowed her to let go of the gloomy graveyard girl and finally learn to love LIVING again, and the fandom was so used to her as the suicidal martyr ready to sacrifice anything and everything without a second’s hesitation that they turned on her, en masse, when she realized it was actually ok to want things for herself but…. that’s a different rant altogether, ahem ANYWAY) was about learning how to be herself again.

not herself as she was immediately pre-vamping–herself as she was before her parents died. it’s no coincidence, i think, that the s3 finale (when she was being turned) and then s4 were some of the only real glimpses we got of elena’s parents, and her life with them before they died. she literally hallucinated her mother, in one of the most heartbreaking scenes of the entire show, trying to convince her to kill herself because of what she’d become–but this, notably, was a curse enacted on her by a vampire hunter. (here’s another unpopular opinion–elena killing connor had nothing to do with the sire bond. she would have killed him anyway, because he was threatening her brother’s life. am i the only one who remembers that elena, as a human, went to denver with the sole purpose of figuring out which original sired mary, so she’d know which ones it was safe to kill to protect her family? she was a human and willing to kill 75% of all remaining vampires on the planet. girl could be fucking ruthless when it came to protecting the people she loved, especially after losing so many.)

“mommy, i never meant to disappoint you.”

and then the sun came up. and just as the light hit her and began to burn, because she’d thrown her ring into the river, she looked to damon and whispered his name, panic in her eyes–because she suddenly realized she didn’t want to die. she wanted to LIVE. she DESERVED to live. and damon did what he always did best–he saved elena gilbert’s life. and that’s when she realized she couldn’t keep ignoring the things she felt for him, the way her feelings for stefan had never really recovered, the fact that she wanted to learn to enjoy the life she had instead of subscribing to stefan’s tortured broody vampire bullshit.

(ok, in fairness to stefan [loathe as i am to be fair to mister Hero Hair], i don’t think he actually realized what he was doing to elena. i don’t think he quite understood just how badly he was feeding into her self-loathing and how much he was making her think she would become a monster just like him–just like ripper!stefan if she didn’t take to the bunny diet and make like a good little vampire who never stepped a toe out of line. but i do think that as those first few episodes wore on, elena realized, more and more, that she would not survive being a vampire if she had to do things stefan’s way. and it became clear that the elena stefan was in love with was the idealized, human version of elena who’d died going over that bridge–the elena who could remind stefan of his own humanity and be his anchor to non-ripperness. she couldn’t be his sober companion/humanity anchor if she wasn’t subscribing to his bunny blood ideals.)

the bottom line being, season 4 was about elena not only becoming a vampire, but learning to enjoy her life AS a vampire. no, it wasn’t something she’d chosen for herself, and maybe it wasn’t something she ever would have chosen for herself–considering that even as far back as the end of s2, when the possibility of turning was first presented to her as a real possibility, she was talking about a future where she grew old and maybe even had kids and started a family, things she wouldn’t be able to do with stefan, meaning that even then, in the back of her mind, their relationship came with a potential expiry date (and then we got ‘i can’t think about always, i can only think about right now‘ in the s3 finale, further cementing that)–but while she’d gotten exposed to so much of the darkness inherent in being a vampire throughout the first three seasons and then her own vampiric awakening, she also got to see the good.

her no-humanity arc was kind of essential for this, btw. (is this an unpopular opinion? probably. i’m gonna pretend it is so it doesn’t seem like i’ve gone too far afield here.) which is another reason i hated that stupid fucking sire bond, after i gave up the idea it’d be revealed to be fake, and choose to ignore it in my own interpretation of canon–because there was no need for it. elena just lost her brother, the one remaining member of her immediate family, the one she’d gone to extraordinary lengths the entire season to protect. she was in unimaginable fucking pain. she was in agony, because not only was her brother dead, but she was still a very new vampire and her emotions were spiraling out of fucking control.

she would have absolutely destroyed herself in her grief, if she hadn’t been presented with an outlet. something she absolutely would have chosen for herself, in that moment–damon talking to her softly, reminding her that there was a way she could just be without needing to feel everything, and elena latching onto that one tiny bit of hope, that maybe for now she didn’t have to be in so much pain she thought she might actually fucking die on the spot from it. elena making that choice for herself–actually, you know, having some fucking agency as the central character of the series–would have been a much better choice, both from a narrative and character perspective. BUT ANYWAY.

it was during her stint with the switch turned off that elena first got a real taste of how fun and how freeing being a vampire could be. if the Idiot Brothers hadn’t banded together to try and force elena to be human again against her will, i really don’t doubt that the worst she would’ve done was snatch-eat-erase a whole bunch of people and live it up in the seedier unberbellies of various big party cities for a while. but whatever, the damage was done and eventually elena had her switch turned on by watching matt die, and feeling the relief at seeing him wearing the gilbert ring, and etc.

she largely had vengeance in mind once she was back to her more or less ‘normal’ self, but a crucial part of her development over that particular arc was the fact that she no longer hated herself for existing.

that was huge. it wasn’t given the focus or prominence it should have had, and i’ll again blame that on the weaker writing that was filling the gaps left by kevin williamson’s departure, but elena was no longer the suicidal martyr she’d been since the beginning of the show. she enjoyed living. she reveled in the strength she had, in the fact that she was no longer the Token Human, the doppelganger whose blood attracted all kinds of atrocities. she could protect herself now. she got closure with her brother, when the ghosts came back for a while, and with alaric, and she basically gave herself permission to want to have forever with the man she loved.

(and the fandom villified her, for it. because of fucking course they did. because she was a teenage girl who’d spent most of the previous four seasons dying or preparing to die or literally ready to slit her own throat without a second’s hesitation when it came to protecting people she cared about, but now that she’d decided it was ok to want to be selfish for a while and be with who she wanted without feeling guilty, suddenly it was open fucking season. but ANYWAY.)

where was i?

oh. yeah. season 5.

like i said, season 4 was a little shaky, but more or less solid–it wasn’t until after season 6 that i realized the signs of the show’s downfall had started in s4, with the cure and the sire bond heralding much worse things to come. it was s5 where the show really went off the rails.

here’s another unpopular opinion–it was absolutely character regression to have damon acting out the way he did that season. yes, in seasons past, damon acting out was a big part of his progression–two steps forward, one step back, but still slowly but steadily moving forward. but by the time we get to s5, damon had literally everything he wanted. he was BLISSFULLY happy, with the woman of his dreams, living in utter domestic bliss for an entire summer before she went off to university. and this trashfire of a show actually tried to convince me that he would’ve left their bedroom for more than five minutes, let alone long enough to drive across the state and murder some innocent human woman over a sixty-year-old grudge he’d never so much as thought about the entire time he was in mystic falls????? really?????

as if that weren’t enough, this man who witnessed, first hand, elena’s love for her brother, and who had grown to love him too–who was desperate to save his life on more than one occasion, including VERY RECENTLY in the show–would let enzo waltz in and nearly murder him??? i’m????? god

and then katherine stole elena’s body, and i was fucking done.

literally ragequit the show once elena got her body back, because i was that fucking pissed. they literally had to do so much character regression and assassination to even make it work???? they had to put bonnie on a bus to ‘away from the main plot’ville just so that she couldn’t tell anyone that katherine hadn’t actually crossed over–even though she was right fucking there in the living room with them when she saw katherine’s ghost, and she would have known immediately that something was wrong because katherine disappeared rather than crossing over. and then they had to make damon devolve so he wouldn’t be in a position to realize elena wasn’t herself. and then everyone else carried the fucking idiot ball, except matt who was promptly compelled, and TYLER who nearly died about it, ALL so that no one would notice what had happened until damon was right there with katherine!elena trying to get him to kill her so she could kill him so he wouldn’t reveal what she’d done, and i JUST.

anyway. the awful thing is, the last few episodes of season 5 were really fucking good. it felt like the show had gone back to circa s3 levels of writing. and then s6 was ok for two episodes and then…. fucking nosedived off a cliff and into the abyss.

elena losing all her good memories of damon just so she could fall in love with him all over again was one of the worst writing decisions ever made. just, in history. completely. we didn’t need to see them fall in love in a rushed and half-assed manner when we’d already gotten a beautiful four-season arc of their love story. at the VERY LEAST, they could have had her just lose all her memories, similar to stefan’s s5 memory wipe, so that it wouldn’t seem weird that she thought he was a monster and loved him anyway because something something toxic bullshit. (oh, yeah, i’m still bitter af that they had to beat us over the head with DELENA IS TOXIC YOU GAIZ as if they didn’t have one of the healthier relationships in the show until it was decided that there wasn’t enough drama so they had to make damon regress and elena excuse it in a series of increasingly ooc writing decisions)

UH. ANYWAY YEAH.

as a sidenote, tyler and elena’s friendship had a lot of potential to be something kind of fucking amazing, and it’s one of the most underrated friendships in the fandom, which is a fucking shame because i would have loved to see them get closer and have a real bond as supernatural orphans who’d had almost everything and everyone they cared about torn away at one point or another.

god. ugh. TL;DR: delena was planned from the beginning and was in no way responsible for the show going to shit, it just had the unfortunate timing of becoming canon right before the show became terrible; elena gilbert was an amazing protagonist and character in general, who should not have been hated for daring to be a teenage girl who wasn’t always fully aware or in control of her own feelings, and who dealt with so much grief and trauma in such a short time that it’s nothing short of a miracle that she eventually found her way back to the girl she’d been before, happy and sure of herself, and people just couldn’t recognize elena when she was happy so they decided she randomly changed when she became a vampire and it was All Damon’s and Delena’s Fault; stefan was a terrible boyfriend for most of their relationship; damon was wildly out of character for most of season 5; and the memory loss arc in s6 was pathetic and actively harmful to the show as a whole and especially damon and elena’s relationship and perception in fandom; oh, and tyler and elena had an amazing and horribly underrated friendship that should have gotten a lot more focus than it did. (i’m still mad tyler was put on a bus so much rather than allowed to be like, present in the lives of his only remaining friends lmfao.)

#rorykillmore #asked #anti tvd #elena gilbert #delena #MEEKS THIS IS YOUR FAULT #I WAS GONNA GO TO BED #INSTEAD I SPENT AN HOUR AND A HALF WRITING THIS #apparently there are depths to my salt mines i had not yet reached #i don't always get mad about tvd bc i've totally moved on with my life of course #but when i do #i drink eat sleep and BREATHE that salt #and dos equis i guess

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imnotcameraready · 5 years

Text

chivalry is dead (3)

A/N: MEET THE ROMANS !!!! i actually drew All the romans, but you only meet the first one in this chapter! gonna upload his pic in a Hot Sec but, anyway, i love him and i love you! <3 this entire story turned real big

WARNINGS: Sympathetic Deceit, arguing, yelling, panic (no panic attacks but Virgil is incredibly on edge, as is everyone), heights/possibly falling two floors off a tall ladder — if i missed anything, please please let me know!! also, OCs? ? gonna talk more about that in the Tags but let me know!

Words: 2916

Pairings: why do i keep adding this? idk. nothing yet! I guess you can read patton being Platonically Flirtatious™ to Logan but? DLAMP endgame, but i guess you can call this a slow burn because i forgot how much i write on the regular

Part 1 (chivalry is dead) — Part 2 (i’m wishing) — Part 3 (the bells of notre dame) — Part 4 (honor to us all)

AO3 link!

@starlightvirgil @forrestwyrm @daflangstlairde @marshmallow-the-panda @askthesnake @k9cat

enjoy!!

The room had changed, yes, but it hadn’t gone back to being Roman’s bedroom.

In fact, the room appeared more like a long walk-in closet. Deceit closed the door a little and looked at the front again — yep, the sign was still there, this was still Roman’s room. He let the door swing all the way open in a silent invitation to the other Sides to peek in. Logan was the first to join him in the doorway, standing right besides Deceit, only a few inches away from the threshold.

From the doorway, they couldn’t see the end of the narrow hall. Both walls were packed with clothes pressed against each other, like some sort of unreasonably long walk-in closet. There was a second shelf of clothes above that, just as packed. In the hallway’s center were some benches, of varying aesthetics. The one closest to the door was plush, with seating on both sides and red cushions, but the one next to it and farther in looked like a football stadium bleacher. Strewn about, too, were many, many shoes. Not all in pairs.

Deceit leaned his head into the room and, with one hand on his hat, looked up. The ceiling continued forever as well, with even more shelves of clothing stretching up as far as the eye could see.

“This is certainly a change,” Logan commented, a slight tremor in his voice, “Though it’s a far cry from the black abyss you’d claimed to see.”

“What’s it look like?” Virgil shuffled behind them both, the tensions of earlier now replaced with a stifling dread.

Deceit glanced back at him, just to check. Old habits die hard. He was holding Patton’s arm tight, breathing nearly nonexistent, off-hand twitching every so often. Virgil’s hair was matted down, too, as he and Patton examined the room. The concern was leaking into Patton, as his hand seemed just as tight on Virgil’s. He pushed up his glasses without taking his eyes off of the room, and Deceit could see some tears sparkling behind the lenses. Virgil’s mounting panic plus Patton’s deep concern was creating an intoxicating brew of ‘we should get on with this.’

Deceit turned to Logan and nodded to the room. They’d have to go in to find Roman.

There was nothing else to be done. Logan lifted a foot.

“Don’t go in there,” Virgil said, nearly shouted.

“Well, we must, if we’re—”

“Hang on, hang on, first,” Patton leaned forward, nudging his face between Logan and Deceit while keeping his feet firmly planted behind them as Virgil tugged him closer. He cupped his other hand around his mouth. “ROMAN? HELLO?”

Silence was his answer. Not even an echo. Patton’s nose scrunched up. He pulled back, wrapping an arm subconsciously around Virgil. “That usually works,” his words laced together quietly.

Logan shot him a quick confused glance. Internally, he was considering the possibilities at a breakneck pace. Roman’s room was the most volatile, susceptible to constant change depending on how the creative side felt and what his most recent project was. It made sense that the room wouldn’t look exactly how it did the last time they’d seen it, especially given how long it’d been since the door had last been opened.

Something was still unusual, however. Even though its theming was impermanent, there were certain constants: a bed, a wardrobe or closet, a desk, often a window or two, Roman’s fairy lights, some posters. Even when period themed, Roman kept a laptop on his desk and a speaker besides his bed. Now there wasn’t even a bed. There were just rows and rows of clothes, some unwearable for daily use. Logan could definitely see a hoop skirt over there on the left. And….was that a full military uniform? Why would Roman need outfits such as those?

“A costume room!” Patton exclaimed, causing everyone else to jump.

Virgil calmed himself down first. “Can’t you give a guy a warning before your lightbulb moments, Pat?” he stuffed his hands into his hoodie pockets, glowering at Patton.

“Sorry, kiddo,” Patton rubbed the back of his neck and smiled thinly back, “I just thought, this whole set up….it looks a lot like a big ole’ dressing room, doesn’t it? With the costumes and the benches?”

The other three glanced back around the room. “I suppose you’re right,” Logan said, drawing out his words.

Before another silence overtook, though, he cleared his throat and straightened his tie. “I don’t think we’ll learn any more about Roman’s sudden room change without going in,” his voice was stiff, trying to hide whatever nervousness he felt.

“I don’t know. I don’t like this,” Virgil grumbled, eyes locked on the darkness at the end of the hallway.

It was dimly lit but not difficult to see in. They could definitely search around in here, but there wasn’t a boundary between the Imagination and Roman’s room. For all they knew, they could be walking straight through the Imagination, which would be chaotic. They couldn’t control it like Roman could. Sure, Virgil’d made a fair nightmare or dark daydream, but it always got out of hand or was overseen by Roman himself, usually inspirational fodder for some bigger project he was cooking.

Actually, now that he thought about it, Virgil didn’t think he’d ever been in the Imagination without Roman. He hadn’t heard of any of the others entering Roman’s “kingdom” without him and, honestly, he wasn’t keen on finding out what’d happen if they didn’t have a guide.

Oof.

“Are you going to stop glaring at the hallway any time soon?” Deceit’s voice pulled Virgil from his thoughts and another spiral.

Before he could retort, Logan stepped back from the room to face him. “I hate to admit it, but he’s right. We should enter and find Roman ourselves,” he crossed his arms as he explained. “This room doesn’t bear resemblance to any sort of bedroom and, if Patton’s assumption that this is a costume room is correct, then we must ask why Roman’s chosen to, er. Switch things up. There are different interpretations we could derive but it’s better to hear it from him, as well as pull him out of his room for a meal and check-in.”

“And if he gets mad that we barged in on his personal space and doesn’t want to see us again?” Virgil asked, crossing his arms to mirror Logan’s stance.

“Then we acknowledge that Deceit lied, and we ask why he hasn’t left his room in a week. I find the second part of your statement highly improbable as well. Considering our concern and confusion over Roman’s absence, I think we are well-warranted in entering without permission.”

“Wow, check out Logan, finally coming to his senses about the constructive nature of personal space,” Deceit followed Logan away from the doorway, a sneer on his lips.

Logan and Virgil now both glared at Deceit. “Me agreeing that I’m confused by Roman’s sudden departure doesn’t mean I agree with your explanation that he fell into a hole — a hole that is no longer there, mind you.”

“And we can probably find Roman without you stinking up the place,” Virgil waved his hands at Deceit, gesturing for him back up, “How about you drag yourself back to whatever hole you crawled out of, and—”

“Guys! I found my old cardigan in here!”

All three of them looked up, noticing that Patton was a fair way into the room, and all of them tensed. As much as Deceit and Logan were talking a big game about entering the room, it seemed they were just as nervous as Virgil was.

Patton didn’t react to their concern, perusing the costumes lining the left side of the wall. In his defense, Patton already knew they were gonna have to search for Roman in here. He didn’t distrust Deceit more than he was worried about Roman isolating himself, and the collection of costumes was a lot more interesting to him than debating the morality — he snorted to himself — of the situation. Besides, Virgil’d get the hint that the morals of going in were fine if Patton and Deceit were agreeing.

Now, the cardigan was the same as his. Patton would have thought Roman’d just taken it if he hadn’t felt assured that his cardigan was in his closet, in his room. Plus, THIS cardigan didn’t have a dollar in the pocket! Or, wait, he’d given that dollar back to Roman, since he owed him. Okay, well, he was still pretty certain that HIS cardigan was back in HIS room!

“You shouldn’t be touching Roman’s clothes, Patton,” Logan had entered the room.

Patton didn’t look up, though he could tell by Logan’s voice that he was standing just behind him. “Awh, but there’re so many outfits! Who knew Roman had so many!”

Something blue caught his eye. Patton reached for a hanger just a few spaces down from the cardigan and pulled out Logan’s old outfit, with the black polo shirt and periwinkle tie. “Hey, look! It’s you!” He grinned at Logan, laughing at Logan’s cute little surprised expression, “Talk about a blast from the past!”

Logan took the hanger, lifting it up to inspect. It was just the shirt and tie, but….well. He felt a twinge of nostalgia. “I do prefer my current tie,” he said.

“An’ I think you look great in anything,” Patton nudged him with his elbow, “Just thought you’d wanna see! Looks like Roman’s stocked up on all our old outfits.”

“C’mon, guys, we shouldn’t be in here,” Patton and Logan turned and saw Virgil slowly follow Deceit past the threshold, steps slow and careful, as if the ground were going to fall into the pit Deceit’d described.

Once Virgil was two steps in, though, the door slammed shut behind him. He whipped around, screaming in surprise and launching himself backwards into Deceit, who then shouted and fell forward onto the red couch.

Patton screamed, too, and flung himself into Logan, who actually caught him. His arms wrapped around Patton’s shoulders as he hoisted him up.

They all watched as the door sank beneath the deep red carpet, standing still as statues as it slid down and left a blank white-wallpapered wall.

Trapped.

Logan let go of Patton slowly, arms dropping to his sides. He could feel a headache coming on. Patton unraveled himself from Logan, too, stepping more towards Deceit and Virgil as the shock wore off. Deceit nearly flung Virgil off of himself, probably would have succeeded if Virgil hadn’t jumped off of him first.

The shock of what had happened was definitely wearing down on Virgil, hands shaking at his sides. Patton placed a hand on his shoulder — an offer — and Virgil took it, hugging Patton tight, burying his face into his chest. Patton wrapped his arms around Virgil too, just as tight. “Sorry,” Patton looked up, mouthing to Deceit.

Deceit seemed nonplussed, though, as he stared down the hallway. Logan’s body was turned towards them, seemingly halfway through approaching, though he too faced down the hall.

“Do you hear….” Logan’s voice, a hushed whisper, “Singing.”

Patton frowned, but carded his hand through Virgil’s hair and listened harder.

“You can lie to yourself and your minions,” that voice was unmistakable, verse echoing faintly from down the impossibly long hall.

Virgil gripped the back of Patton’s shirt and perked his head up as the voice grew slightly louder.

“Roman,” Deceit’s shoulders relaxed, “That must be Roman.”

In a non-spoken group decision, the four began to slowly walk down the hall. Deceit led the way past the hanging costumes, each closet packed with outfits, and didn’t stop. Virgil was at the back, still holding onto Patton’s shirt, checking behind them every so often.

Things were even more disorganized as they continued down the hall. Costumes were on the ground, as though fallen from their hangers. Patton’d stopped to fix the first few, but as they saw more and more dishevelment, he gave up. The shoes were strewn about still, some on benches now, some with full costumes sitting on the bench besides them.

“You can claim that you haven’t a qualm!”

There were some outfits that they recognized. Thomas’ Dr. Emile Picani costume was sitting on a bench, laid out neatly, as though they’d be shooting Cartoon Therapy the next day. His trenchcoat from playing JD was crumpled in a lump with a single thick boot next to it, from the same outfit. Deceit pointed out a balled up copy of Virgil’s current hoodie, sat in the middle of their walkway.

“He must be in a block. Making all these costumes must’a been a real good creative exercise,” Patton tried to keep his voice light and airy.

Virgil shook his head. “I don’t think it’s a block. It reeks of manic panic in here,” he scowled around, “We gotta figure out what’s wrong with him.”

“But you never can run from,” Roman’s singing continued, growing louder, closer.

“Of course. Before he disappeared, would you consider that Roman was acting odd? I thought his demeanor was fairly typical for a creative block, hence it wasn’t incredibly worrying,” Logan hummed in thought, then added, “He had been a little more subdued. But, that too could be attributed to the lull in productive creative content plus the incoming tax season.”

“I mean, locking himself in his room was pretty in character,” Virgil said, “But….”

“Was leaving him in his room in character for you all?” Deceit looked back just long enough to catch the glare Virgil shot him, “It’s a fair question, after all this.”

“....How do we know you’re not just leading us into a trap here?” Virgil hissed, without the bite he’d had earlier.

“For the last time, I’m not tricking you. Even you can feel how scared Roman is, you said it yourself,” Deceit stopped, letting Logan walk past him as he argued with Virgil.

“Yeah, but—”

“Nor hide what you’ve done from the eyes~!”

Logan held up a hand, stopping all of them. “I can see the end of the hall,” he said.

“And there’s Roman!” Patton let go of Virgil, letting the anxious side finally unravel himself from Patton’s chest while he moved besides Logan.

Instead of a bench, there was a large table in the center of the hallway, papers strewn over it in piles and disorganized stacks. On the opposite walkway side from the other four sides was a ladder and, up two levels of closet, was Roman. He had a stack of costumes in his arms, hanging them up one by one, voice echoing downwards.

“The very eyes of Notre Dame!” he leaned backwards on the ladder, spurring Virgil to swear loudly, jump towards it, and hold it steadier.

Roman didn’t notice them, though, continuing to sing and hang clothes. Patton, Logan, and Deceit all shared a look while Virgil just looked up at Roman and held the ladder. At least they’d get some answers now.

Logan cleared his throat first. “Roman!”

No response. Roman just continued to sing. “And for one time in his life of power and control,” he waved one of the costumes — a black cloak with blue trims — and spun on the top of the ladder.

“Stop spinning,” Virgil barked, holding the ladder with white knuckles.

The others crowded around the bottom, Patton now holding the other two legs. “Let’s try a little kindness — Roman, kiddo, can you come down here?” his voice was soft, inviting and loving, gazing up the ladder.

“Frollo felt a twinge of fear!”

“Well,” Patton looked back down at the other Sides, “I’m shattered.”

Deceit rolled his eyes as Logan sighed, “He’s ignoring us.”

“Thanks, Captain Obvious.”

“For his immortal sou~l!”

“Roman—Roman, stop,” Deceit shook the ladder, trying to not throw Roman’s balance off, “What’s happening?”

“Yeah,” Virgil shouted, shooting Deceit a deadly glare quickly, “Get down here and stop singing! You’ve got a lotta explaining to do!”

Roman didn’t turn around, but he stopped dancing, singing, and shifting the ladder. “You’re all interrupting the audition,” he snapped as he hung the last costume and began to descend.

As he came closer, the other four could see the differences in his outfit. Gone was the white uniform and red sash, replaced with a white shirt and a tight red vest. Though they could only see his back, the others could see a scroll decal across his shoulders, similar to the one on Roman’s crest. This was certainly a change.

“Roman,” Virgil started, voice quiet, leading to more, but Roman cut him off.

“Stop calling me that. Haven’t won the callback yet,” and he laughed to himself, landing and pivoting at the bottom of the ladder.

The vest buttoned double-breasted in the front, and a bright red tie was tucked into the vest, which had golden lapels. The others watched him push his own pair of black-rimmed Warby Parker glasses up his nose, hair pinned back from its normal waves with one glittering gold pin. A golden pen was tucked behind the ear his hair was, too. On the bottom, he wore black pants and a black dress shoes with whitened Oxfords.

He took notice of their confused looks and bowed with a flourish and a large, proud smile. “As you can all see, I’m definitely not the Prince, and am not Roman YET. For the time being, you may call me the Playwright.”

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nadziejastar · 5 years

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You know, I really wouldn't have cared if this girl had her own adjacent subplot dealing with her memories and the age of fairy tales. It doesn’t sound very interesting to me personally, but whatever. I wouldn’t have even cared if she was an acquaintance of Lea and Isa because they were ALL test subjects (not besties, though). So, yeah I guess I think it was possible that they both could have been “Subject X”. Of course, in KH “X” is not a random letter. It is associated with the Recusant’s Sigil and creating vessels. It means “death” and “endings”. Since this random chick has nothing to do with any of that, she shouldn’t be named “X”. She should be Subject Z or something.

I think all the these characters time-travelling to the present is kinda dumb, but that’s not even my main gripe. No, what really bugs me is that her subplot has totally replaced everything about the original story in the most heavy-handed manner possible. Axel never mentioned this girl before. I had a previous anon tell me that Nomura probably wasn’t that invested in the idea of Isa and Lea being test subjects, and that he left it open on purpose. It’s just my personal bias that they were test subjects. My response to that is: Bullshit. The story was not left open for Lea and Isa to be apprentices just because it was never outright stated. KH3 is just treating the fandom like we’re stupid.

KH3D was setting up one very specific story, then KH3 started following an entirely new one with no warning. It was an incredibly jarring and unconvincing shift. Yes, I find Lea and Isa being test subjects a million times more interesting than them being apprentices. Who wouldn’t? But it is not my personal bias that is fueling my criticism. Anyone with two brain cells to rub together, who took an honest look at the story, could see that it was drastically changed from how it was originally envisioned.

Ansem's Report 2

It is my duty to expose what this darkness really is. I shall conduct the following experiments:

Extract the darkness from a person's heart.

Cultivate darkness in a pure heart.

Both suppress and amplify the darkness within.

The experiments caused the test subject's heart to collapse, including those of the most stalwart. How fragile our hearts are! My treatment produced no signs of recovery. I confined those who had completely lost their hearts beneath the castle.

Some time later, I went below and was greeted by the strangest sight. Creatures that seemed born of darkness...What are they? Are they truly sentient beings? Could they be the shadows of those who lost their hearts in my experiments?

Originally, the focus of the unethical experiments was the darkness of the heart. Yes, Ansem was experimenting on Xehanort to get his memory back.

Unbeknownst to me, my six apprentices then began collecting a large number of subjects on which to perform dangerous experiments into the "darkness of the heart." As soon as I found out, I called my apprentices together and ordered them not only to cease their studies, but to destroy the results of their research thus far.

But the apprentices then went on to do far worse things. There is no mention EVER that there were more than six apprentices. But there was mention of the apprentices kidnapping people and performing dangerous experiments on them. Now it seems like these experiments have been retconned to be about memory only. All the focus now is on this one single Union X girl and her super duper special important secret memories.

Xemnas: Our experiments creating Heartless were attempts to control the mind, and convince it to renounce its sense of self.

But originally Xehanort was not concerned with the subjects’ memories. The purpose of the original experiments was to create vessels. Empty puppets who have no self-awareness.

Xemnas: You feel nothing. Nothing is real. I can give you purpose.

Roxas: Roxas.

Xemnas: That is right--the new you.

The definition of a vessel is a hollow container. That’s what Xehanort needed so he could have 13 copies of himself—they’d all have the exact same heart and mind. Nomura said Seekers of Darkness were “raw material” for the X-blade. The point was he needed just their BODIES.

Xehanort: Roxas... Now, there was a worthy candidate. But, unfortunately, he became too aware of himself, and returned to Sora. Organization XIII's true goal is to divide Xehanort's heart among thirteen vessels.

The less self-aware the person is, the less able they are to reject Xehanort from taking over their mind, body, and heart completely. It’s heavily tied into the Recusant’s Sigil, which now seems to have vanished from Kingdom Hearts lore entirely. I guess they are hoping we just forgot about it, since it got so little attention anyway.

Day 7: Meaning

A name defines an object. Describes the span of it. Gives it purpose. We embarked upon the Replica Program to ensure our new power stays ours. Now, our shadow puppet, "No. i," lives. It needs a name. Something to define it. To give the hollow vessel purpose.

But Xehanort put the “X” into all the original members’ names because he planned to make vessels out of them once Kingdom Hearts was completed. Now suddenly we have a Subject X in the spotlight, but she has absolutely nothing to do with making vessels?

The Ultimania said that Xemnas was using the Chamber of Repose to communicate with Aqua, and looking for Ventus because he was trying to complete the new Organization XIII. Now suddenly he was doing all of that because Ven was from the age of fairy tales? I’m sorry, but this is bullshit. I don’t think I’m being an unreasonable or petty fan by saying this is EXTREMELY bad storytelling. KH has had a lot of retcons, but this is far worse than anything I’ve seen in this series before. It’d be like if Sora, Donald, and Goofy just randomly stopped looking for Riku and the King in the middle of KH2 and started looking for a random Union X girl instead. That’s how Lea and Isa in KH3 felt to me.

Secret Report 4: Experiments of the Heart – Notes on Subject X, Excerpt 2

Secret Report 4 is obtained after clearing Battlegate 4 at Toy Box: Galaxy Toys / Kid Corral.

Subject's memories have not returned, and our conversations remain less than lucid. What fragments can be gleaned evoke a bygone world, like one out of fairy tales. As improbable as it seems, the question may not be where she has come from, but when. If she truly has crossed through time, the prospect of probing her heart is all the more compelling.

My pilot studies used a handful of subjects, but none possessed the fortitude to endure them. Ultimately, all suffered mental collapse. I knew it would be a heavy blow to lose a subject as unique as she. Upon discovering the tests I've been conducting, my master demanded that I cease my work immediately and destroy what research I have compiled. Worse still, he ordered the release of my remaining subjects. She is gone.

Where is Subject X now? Has "wise" Master Ansem hidden her away? Whatever the case, I will not be deterred. I will take her place as the first subject in the grand experiment to come.

You can see how similar the wording in this report is to the original Ansem reports. Even the part where Ansem ordered them to destroy their research. But now it’s that the subjects experienced mental collapse. Not that their hearts collapsed. The victims of these experiments were supposed to have lost their hearts and become Heartless. This was the precursor to everything that happened. They were supposed to be absolutely horrifying and dangerous experiments. Vexen wouldn't go down into the basement, and even Xigbar said he didn’t like going there. He even called it a “graveyard”.

Braig’s dealings with Master Xehanort in Birth by Sleep make sense now, as he was to become a vessel.

Nomura: There is a certain reason for Braig to proudly exclaim, “I’m already half Xehanort.” Isa (Saïx) is included too. I think you’ll understand the details about their circumstances eventually.

We were clearly supposed to learn about these experiments in great detail. And it’s obviously why BBS teased us by showing Lea and Isa trying to sneak into the castle while these experiments just happened to be taking place. Isa just happens to be a vessel. He just happens to have the Recusant’s Sigil in the middle of his face. Axel just happens to say that his personality completely changed from how it used to be. Saïx just happens to be the most unfeeling and heartless Nobody of them all, and can't "see" Xion.

Secret Report 5: Memoirs, Excerpt 1

Secret Report 5 is obtained after clearing Battlegate 5 at Toy Box: Galaxy Toys / Main Floor: 1F.

The castle was a wonderland to us children. Within its walls, Ansem the Wise conducted his research, and the fruits it bore allowed everyone outside to live in peace and happiness. That alone was enough to stoke our interest, though not all of the rumors that escaped its walls were so benevolent. By night, the muffled sounds of human wails emerged. There was talk of dangerous human experimentation. Lea and I couldn't help but hatch a plot to steal inside and sate our curiosity.

The two who stood guard at the gates were researchers themselves, though you wouldn't think it to see them, massive and barrel-chested as they were. And slipping past that duo was only the first hurdle. It proved one not easily cleared; we were found and tossed out on our ears, time and again. On the day we finally secured our entry, we descended the long spiral stair at the heart of the castle to find a dark space below it, lined with cages. There wasn't light enough to see if they were inhabited, and we were in no position to call out to any occupants within. Yet we could feel it. A definite presence, there in the black. Terror washed over us, and we immediately regretted coming. But just as we turned to flee, we heard the faintest of voices. The urge to run was nigh overpowering, but someone or something beckoned us on. There, framed by a tenuous sliver of light, we found her.—Saïx

This report about Lea and Isa sneaking into the castle just happens to be found at Galaxy Toys, where Xehanort discovered he could create vessels after experimenting on the toys. Galaxy Toys was a good fit. The castle looked like a fun place for kids to play on the outside, but on the inside horrible experiments were being conducted. It seems like these experiments aren't even going to get much (if any) attention going forward. It's all about this random girl’s memories now.

What happens to the hearts of those who have had Master Xehanort’s heart planted within them?

Nomura: They’ll gradually be swallowed by it. As for Master Xehanort, he plans to control them completely. The planted parts of the heart are captured rather than disappear.

In KH3D, Saïx acted exactly like you would imagine a so-called vessel to act. Unlike Xigbar, he was completely still, completely mute, completely blank and expressionless, and didn’t act until Master Xehanort looked over at him (which he would have had no way of knowing unless they were telepathically linked). We know Master Xehanort had the power to transfer his consciousness into his vessels. That’s what makes them vessels, after all. Gee, I wonder if Saïx awakening to a new purpose over time had aaaanything to do with his heart being gradually swallowed by Xehanort?

I’m sorry, but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that Saïx was set up to have a backstory as a test subject. Nothing about his character was left open to be an apprentice. Nothing. Subject X could have had any other role in the experiments if they really needed to introduce her to this timeline that badly. But no, she stole Isa’s backstory. That’s how ill-conceived this sudden shift to Union X was. It appears to have happened on relatively short notice. If that’s the best way Nomura could think of to introduce “Subject X”, she has no business existing in the story.

#kingdom hearts #anti-kh3 #kh saïx #kh isa

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kategrainger · 4 years

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When Life Feels Overwhelming 5 Ways to Find Your Centre

We’ve all had moments when life’s demands left us feeling stressed and scattered. In these moments, it’s helpful to have some simple tools to help us gain composure and come back to our centre.

Let me paint a picture for you of a scene from my daily life at its most overwhelming.

On a recent Tuesday, I drafted my evening’s “to-do” list, which contained the following items: Go clothes shopping for my son, get groceries, cook up some dog food, cook dinner, give my son a bath, put laundry away, walk the dog, and prepare for a workshop that I was to present that weekend.

Like most working parents, I have to fit a lot of tasks into a brief period of time on weeknight evenings.

Clearly all of those items weren’t going to get accomplished. But I felt compelled to try.

And then, mid-afternoon, a feeling of illness began to creep over me, starting with a headache and progressing into nausea and profound fatigue. By the time I got home, I had revised my list, and whittled it down to: Bathe my son.

I felt incapable of anything else.

Still, even with a truncated list, my evening became chaotic very quickly. Our newly-acquired dog was dripping blood all over the house, including the white slipcover. She was not sick—she was in heat.

As I tried to attend to the mess, my son called to me from the kitchen. He held his cupped hand out to me, and proudly exclaimed, “I caught it so it wouldn’t fall on the kitchen floor!”

I will allow you to draw your own conclusions about what his hand held, but I’ll give you a hint: He’s potty training.

In the mean time, my head was throbbing, my stomach was retching, dishes from the previous day were piled up in the sink, laundry from the week sat haphazardly on my bedroom chair, and the workshop I was to present in four days had not been planned or prepared for. Not to mention, I had a hungry child and dog to attend to.

Sometimes, when external factors like these seem overwhelming, we feel unable to remove ourselves from the situation long enough to gain perspective and compose ourselves in order to move forward.

Very often, these external factors become internalized, and our minds start reeling. “I’ll never get it all done, my life is spiraling out of control, I can’t get myself together…” The internal loop can be loud, persistent, and ultimately paralyzing. And once it begins, it is hard to stop.

On this night, I felt so overwhelmed that I thought I would either cry or pass out. The only coping mechanism that came to mind was, “Sleep!” Given my sickness, this was probably quite appropriate. But I had things to do—real-life obligations that I could not avoid.

So what do you do in those moments when life must go on? What about the times you can’tdefer your duties in favor of your bed?

I can tell you what I do.

For me, the key to feeling grounded is mind-body integration. And while a yoga class might be helpful toward this end, it’s hardly feasible in those everyday moments when life feels overwhelming.

I need simple, applicable strategies to help me feel centered.

Over years of working as a mental health professional and practicing these strategies for myself, I have found a handful of mind-body techniques that are really useful to employ when you’re having “one of those days.” Implement them during times of stress to help you find your center.

1. Core Rooting.

Take a moment to stand with your feet a little wider than hip-width apart. Visualize your body as a tree, with your torso representing the trunk and your feet representing the roots. Focus your attention on your core and scan down your legs until you reach your feet.

Notice the ground beneath your feet. Feel the strength of your body. You are not “scattered” anymore;you are right here.

2. Three-Count Breath.

One way to help the body relax and restore its basic functioning is to steady your breath. Start in this way: Inhale for three counts. Hold for three counts. Exhale for three counts. After a few rounds of that, attempt to prolong the counts so that your breathing can slow and return to normal. This process can be helpful in less than a minute.

3. Stop Sign Visualization.

Those negative, looping thoughts that are spiraling out of control in your mind? They don’t serve you. There’s no time to listen to them, anyway: You have very important things to do!

So, to move forward without letting your thoughts drag you down, try this: For each self-defeating thought that pops up (“I’ll never get it all done!” and so on), visualize a large, red stop sign in your mind and think, “Stop.”

Try to drop the rest of the thought. This takes practice, because those thoughts have a lot of “psychic inertia” and that’s why they need a “Stop Sign.” Use it liberally.

4. Mantra/Affirmation.

Used alone or in conjunction with the Stop Sign Visualization, a simple mantra can be an effective tool.

Consider a few affirming phrases to repeat during these moments. It should be something that rings true to you and can reassure you. For example, “I can manage,” “This will pass,” “There is no emergency,” or “It will all get done.” Experiment with the right mantra for yourself, and repeat it often.

5. “5-5-5”

This technique is often recommended for people in dissociative episodes, but is useful and applicable during times of everyday stress as well. The purpose is to generate an awareness of your sensory experience so that you can feel more grounded in your body.

It’s very simple. Name the things you are experiencing for each of the senses: Identify five things you can see, five things you can feel, five things you can hear, and five things you can smell. For taste, a sip of cold water is often enough to bring awareness to the body.

When you are able to centre yourself in times of distress, you will find that you work more efficiently, relate to others more easily, and feel an improvement in your physical health. Each of the above techniques can be employed anywhere and any time, in just a minute or two.

Experiment with one or all and see what feels right for you.

Life can get hectic, but these simple tools can bring you back to centre so that you can enjoy it.

#Kate Grainger #Cosmic Ascension and Healing #mantra #inspiration #motivation #visualization #breathe #core root #find your centre #spirituality #Light Workers #enlightenment #meditation

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drashleighreid · 5 years

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mel, you are worth so much more than that. even after reading their response it’s so obvious the way it was so “““well-written and Composed””” that they were just trying to come across as sincere and respectful- meanwhile throwing little jabs at you in practically every sentence. it reeks of bullshit and still doesn’t cover up the fact they they just.. up and left. anyway i’m sure you don’t want to keep dwelling on it but just know that a lot of people here love you and are here for you

thank you so much. i don’t want to start a whole thing and it’s really just made me super sad and upset because i don’t know what really triggered her to become so cold and callous all of a sudden. i’ve had strangers reach out to me, people i’m estranged from reach out to me, and someone who i thought was one of my closest friends blocked me lol and has been calling me manipulative and vindictive and actively making everything so much worse.

i honestly only read the response once because i was in a really unstable place and i don’t want to get back there so i probably won’t read it again but it was really upsetting. a lot of the stuff she brought up were things i said to her in confidence relating to my neurodivergence and how adhd affects the way that i socialise. it was taken wildly out of context and broadcasted to her 20k followers which is what was really upsetting. im very aware of my faults and do my best to not let these things become toxic but me bringing up how important she was to me and how i tend to only have one best friend at a time was approached through the lens of me just wanting to express how adhd makes me attach to people and focus on one friend at a time. i said these things with vulnerability and full knowledge of the fact that her friendship style was very different from mine and i just wanted to express it so that there would be open communication and so that we could navigate it in a way that suited both of us. but it never really got across like that i guess and the friendship became kind of difficult and i could tell she was resenting me for bringing up these discussions and wanting to talk about it. i felt very sensitive and vulnerable in the friendship because of other things going on in my life and because our conversations felt really different and i could tell something had changed. i tried for ages to have an open discussion about it but i guess she can only tell me how she really feels when she has an audience lol. the times we did speak about it she assured me that ‘youre supposed to be able to ask for things in friendships’ so i did. i asked for more communication, i told her i felt vulnerable and sensitive and like she was pulling away, i asked why we weren’t headcanoning or talking as much as we used to, and then i could tell she was resenting me for it, vague posting about people ‘expecting too much from her’ instead of telling me directly when all i was doing was asking her to just tell me how she felt but she could never ‘articulate her thoughts’.

and last weekend i thought we were in a good place. we’d had a discussion about 4 days prior about being more communicative and open and i thought everything was fine. then on the monday i had a really, really bad day. i was in the midst of packing to move house, had to trek across town to sign paperwork, had a director workshop and a screening to go to, was feeling sad about not having a support network here and having to do all of this stuff alone when i haven’t moved out by myself before, got a weird call telling me i owed a huge tax bill which ended up being a scam but came at the worst possible time lkjsf, just hit a super low point mentally, and then during the middle of that when i was literally sobbing in a starbucks and people were looking at me i got a string of messages from her that essentially said ‘you should go to the hospital. we should stop being friends. get some help’ and i literally couldnt think of anything worse to say to someone in a crisis. that could have waited. also literally nothing preceded that. me feeling so crummy wasn’t even about her but that just made me spiral more and made me feel so awful because she was someone i cared about and thought i could rely on for support. then when i, quite manically, asked her what was going on and explained my side she just blocked me on everything lol. so thats that on that.

im sure she has her own perspective on the situation but to me its just been so cold and upsetting and confusing? i literally don’t know what changed that got us to this point. she doesn’t have to be here for me or talk to me or support me if she’s stressed out or busy with school, but she doesn’t have to actively make things worse. i literally wouldnt do this to my worst enemy if i knew they were in a really low, unstable mental place. im allowed to vague on my own blog. i never used her name, im not even in her same circles. i barely speak to anyone in the pp fandom. so unless she’s telling people what’s going on and they’re lurking me, then i highly doubt anyone would put 2 and 2 together. the people ive been speaking to about this are my therapist, my mother, and a RL friend lol. she was the one who said that us having no connection on social media would be best for us then she lurks me and broadcasts personal things to thousands of people? after randomly cutting off all communication when im having a really rough time? i just dont understand how me being upset about this makes me ‘vindictive’. also the basis of the whole argument - hers included - is that i loved her and enjoyed her company so much that i wished i could speak to her more... fuck me, right?

anyway, thank you for your support. idk if this is gonna spark a whole other thing but im honestly just sad and done with it now. ive had a lot of people show me support over the past few days and it’s felt really nice to remember how loved i am and that there are people out there who actually want to talk to me and enjoy my friendship and me, entirely the way that i am.

i hope you have a really lovely day, i love you too x

#Anonymous

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justoneday-namjoonii · 6 years

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Midnight Circus pt.6

☾pairing: Jungkook(?)♡→ reader ☾genre: Angst. Fluff. Mature content. bad boy summer fling au ☾summary: “You’re ten times hotter this summer, you know that?” ☾Series status statement: “I don’t know how this happened...” a/n: ok so its a little scattered and I know I took forever but I hope the finish product makes up for the lateness^^

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | coming soon

“Can anyone tell me how many paintings by Claude Monet titled Water Lilies?”

Art appreciation. It seemed interesting enough so you went ahead and signed up for it. The professor had the class study, Claude Monet, this week, you knew the answer but decided to give the other students a chance. Speaking of the other students, Taehyung, Beah, and Namjoon attended this class as well. You sat somewhere near the front of the class, resting your head on your propped up forearm—your mind was elsewhere.

“Yes?” You glanced to the right to see Taehyung raising his hand.

“250 oil paintings.”

“Correct. Can anyone tell me why?” He gave the class the opportunity to answer the easy question and you took it upon yourself to answer—you slowly raised your hand.

“Yes, Mr. Kim?” Namjoon must’ve raised his hand faster than you because now the class was curious about what he had to say.

He cleared his throat. “Monet was fond of his flower garden at his home in Giverny, it was the inspiration for a lot of his work, it was the center of his focus in last thirty years of his artistic life.” The information flowed off of his tongue like a poem made to mesmerize all who overhear.

“That is correct. Now class. . .”

He trailed off into something else but you were more interested in the buzz of your phone, it was a message.

[1:40] Namjoon: You knew the answer to that, we were just talking about it earlier.

You slowly eased out your phone so that it wasn’t in full view of the professor and typed slowly.

[1:40] You: yes but u raised your hand first and didnt give me time [1:41] Namjoon: ill make sure to give it to you next time then

When you felt the teacher was observing your way, you tucked your phone away, not to be answered until the class is dismissed. The clock was on your side today because before you knew it, the professor released you all early c=for a change. Students fleed the class like ants run to sugary spilled soda, they all had somewhere to be but you preferred to take your sweet time. You easily slid the notebook in your backpack and grabbed your bottle as you slung the bag over your shoulders.

“Miss L/n,” Your professor called out to you as he was exiting the classroom.

“Yes, professor?”

“I didn’t get to respond to your email but I thoroughly enjoyed your research paper, it was well organized and you presented your information eloquently.”

“Oh, thank you.”

“Keep up the good work.” The middle-aged man smiled as he cleaned off the dry erase board. You smiled, walking out of the classroom with less weight on your shoulders.

“Hey,” A familiar voice came from somewhere behind you and you looked back to see Namjoon, walking a bit faster so he could stroll beside you. “are you and Jen, Taehyung, and Beah still on for studying for this evening? If so, I can still help you guys out.”

“Uh, yeah,” You did have a pretty big test coming up, “I probably should.”

“Good. I have a paper to finish so I’ll head over there now.”

“Alright, tell everyone I’ll be there soon, I need to get a book from the library.” You bid him farewell as he walked out through the exit.

You walked through the campus, passing by the library because apparently both of you needed to pick up a book for your classes. The sun shined through the campus, the warmth cascaded within the building and created a tranquil atmosphere for the busy students that scattered throughout the school. Since the book you were looking for had nothing to do with the one he was looking for, you went to different corners of the library.

Namjoon peeked through the bookshelves, searching for the book. He found it easily but he waited around, recognizing that you were still searching for yours.

“Where is it?” You mumbled, still not finding the book.

“Y/n,” You felt hands on your shoulders and you turned to see who it was, “I haven’t seen you in a good minute.” Hoseok. You completely forgot that he used to work in the bookstore, you didn’t know he still hung out here.

“Oh my gosh, Hoseok.” You beamed, embracing him. “Hi, it’s so nice to see you again, how have been?”

“Good, my schedule is pretty busy this semester. I haven’t had a lot of free time lately.” He spoke but you were distracted by his unfailing beauty. He was glowing, a sweet smile and a kind expression resting on his face. “Are you looking for anything in particular? I used to work here so I might as well help you out.”

“Thanks, do you know where- What’s the name of it again...” You reached into your pocket for the piece of paper that you wrote the book title on. “That’s what I’m looking for.” He inspected the paper.

“Ah, I know where this is. It’s over here.” He began to walk off somewhere and you followed him. Hoseok had always been so sweet and kind, he and Jimin went to the same dance studio you went to. He worked as a part-time instructor there until he could get transferred to the school he really wanted to study dance at.

“Here you are.” He gestured to the bookcase.

“Thanks, Hobi.”

“No problem, I’ll see you later.”

He waved goodbye. You went to the counter to purchase the book, it took a minute or so and you were out of the store and going to your car so you could get to the cafe where everyone was probably waiting on you.

“Hey...” She nudged his bare shoulder, the heat of his skin sent a nauseating spiral of guilt, shame, and discomfort to the pit of her stomach. “My mom will be home in an hour, you have to go...” She pulled the duvet up to cover her chest, he was slowly coming to. She nudged his warm arm again, this time with a little more force. “Jungkook, get your clothes on...”

His eyes fluttered open upon the call of his name. Typical—he was waking up in another unfamiliar bed, wearing nothing but boxers and a sinful scent. “What?” He seethed, already annoyed by her nagging voice and visible attitude.

“You have to go, my mom will be home soon...” She stammered, fumbling through her drawer for some clothes to throw on to cover herself. Jungkook narrowed his brow as he sat up to gather himself, he replayed what took place between them and sighed. What is this, the fifth or sixth person this week? He decided to stop counting after this one. He went to the floor to gather his discarded clothes from last night and slipped them on without a word. The brunette, on the other hand, was your classic suburban-nonconformist-chick who won’t show gratitude to the parents who provide for her. He’s not the first guys she’s had over, she knew the drill too well. She wasn’t his ideal pick either. She was a bit too common for his taste, a little obnoxious, but the night was ending quickly and he didn’t have time to be picky. Her clothes were easy off and that’s all he required at the time.

When he glanced at the girl, she was getting situated to go to the shower and for the life of him, he couldn’t remember her name. He stared at her as he tied his shoes, trying to remember, Shelby, Shannon, Sarah, Stephanie? Something with an S...

”Do you have any Tylenol?” He massaged his temples as he was on his out of her bedroom, he had a little bit of a hangover.

“Yeah,” She ran to her purse, searching for the little bottle, “here.”

He took the bottle and shook it lightly to get on little pill out. He gave it back and nonchalantly made his way towards to the front door, her heart began to plummet into her stomach—what had she done?

“Wait,” She voiced shyly, “will I see you again?”

He laughed, cracking the door to stand in the doorway. “Maybe.” He left her with that.

That meant she wouldn’t see him again, not here, not with her.

He drove, not really biased on where to but he didn’t want to go home. The rumbling of his stomach indicated that he needed something to eat. He went to the nearest fast food place to get a burger and fries, y’know, something healthy. He was supposed to be in class but he assumed that but by the time he gets there, it’ll already be over.

Oddly enough, he went home.

To his surprise, his mom was home and she had a lot of questions.

”Where were you?” She was at the kitchen island with a mug of coffee in hand, the demeanor of a brute criminal interrogator.

“A friends.” He shrugged, casually walking off to his bedroom.

“Get back over here.” She hissed—that was the,’if you know what’s good for you, you better get back over here’ voice, he willed himself to tread lightly now. “I come home, working hard to provide for our family and when I get back you’re not even here. And I’m not stupid Jungkook, don’t think for a second that I’m buying that ‘I was at a friends house crap.’”

“Does it matter where I was? You and dad are never here anyway, so why should I be?” He frowned. “Why do you suddenly care?”

“Because you’re my son and I love you.” She sighed when his jaw clenched with the darkening of his eyes. “I know it’s not easy, and I wish I hadn’t brought you into this but there’s nothing I can do. You said you didn’t want to live with your dad, why are you giving me such a hard time?”

“I’m giving you a hard time?” He had to refrain from going off on her and the only way he could do that was if he left this house. Without a word, he ran upstairs to gather a few things in a backpack and when he came back downstairs she just stared at him. He had always been like this, bad at expressing his negative emotions without hurting someone, so his solution was to leave. “I’ll be back in a few days.” He stated.

“Jungkook there is no reason for you to-”

“I need my own space right now and I’m not in the mood for a lecture, mom.” He left the house, his mother not really even knowing what to say or how to get her son to change his mind. And it was just that, she didn’t know Jungkook anymore, she was unaware of his daily life. She always said, ‘as long as you get good grades and don’t get anyone pregnant, you can stay under this roof.’ She felt as if he needed a bit more structure than that, but there’s nothing she can do about it now. He’s going through a rebellious phase and she’s taking the brunt of it.

Jungkook went to Yoongi’s apartment.

He let him in without hesitation and went back to his room to study.

Jungkook found refuge in that worn out couch, he had more to stress about than finals and sleep seemed to be his temporary solution. He was called into work suddenly and he grudgingly drove to the bowling alley. He spent hours fitting antsy kids and adults for worn out old rental bowling shoes.

“Over here!” Namjoon raised a hand to get your attention when you entered the cafe full of stressed students studying for finals. You walked over to your group of friends and sat beside Jennie.

“Hey, guys.” You began unloading your books on the cramped table.

“Y/n, hey, sorry to ask but do you have the notes from the professor Welsh? I couldn’t make it to class and no one had the notes from the lecture on pdf.” Jennie pushed her glasses up on her face, pencil tight in her hand.

“Yeah, I’ll send it to you.” You pulled out your computer and began going through your files, searching for the notes you worked so hard to get. When you sent it, she showed the utmost gratitude by buying you a matcha latte. You sat across from Namjoon and he was completely enveloped in his paper—being head of the class must be burdensome, having to keep your grades up to maintain the honorable title. School was always something constant in your life, without it you felt like you were a void, an empty with no purpose. You only felt like that sometimes—other times you craved freedom, to dream under the stars with smoke tainting your breath from loving on a dangerous spirit. You sort of experienced that, maybe not to its full effect but you know what it’s like to get close to boys like Jungkook and you didn’t like it—not anymore at least.

You brought your mind back to the task at hand, your math and final project. The job they gave you was to collect the data and write the slides for the 19th-century economy. A few hours went by and the cafe was still heavy with customers, even at this hour. Suddenly, you felt something graze your ankle, someone's foot?

You looked from side to side, then right in front of you to see Namjoon grinning at his laptop. You looked at him with the sole purpose of catching his attention, but he didn’t look up, that’s when you received a message on your computer.

Namjoon: I meant to talk to you about the other night, r u okay

You furrowed your brows at the message, not immediately understanding what he was referring to. When you looked up at him he glanced at you but then he began typing something.

Namjoon: Jungkook was trying to follow you, I managed to stop him. Are you ok?

You: Yeah I’m ok

He titled his head, he knew that you weren’t ‘ok’ but now wasn’t the time to talk about it, your face pretty much said that it wasn’t the place or time.

“I need a break.” Beah sat her book down with a pout. “Anybody up for pizza?”

“If we go get pizza, we’ll never finish.” You tried to dismiss the idea but they weren’t in the mood to be focused and responsible anymore.

“How about we order food here?” Namjoon suggested.

“I know! Yoongi hyung is home, why don’t we take some pizza over to his place?” Taehyung proposed.

“Sounds like a plan to me.” Jennie went in on this crusade and you gave up trying to keep the studying here. Everyone began packing up their stuff and before you knew it, you were still packing up and Namjoon lingered behind.

“I wanted to ask, what did he do that made you so upset? He didn’t hit you or anything, did he?” If so, he was prepared to kill the kid. You slung your bag over your shoulder and walked out to the parking lot with Namjoon by your side. He came with Taehyung but you assumed he could ride with you to Yoongi’s.

“No, he didn’t hit me.” You reassured him, plopping down into the driver's seat. “He was mad that I was there, he just didn’t want to see me I guess...” Your words were but a mumble, not wishing to reminisce about that mistake of yours. “He also kissed me.” Namjoon made a perplexed expression. “Can you believe him? One minute he’s yelling the next he’s trying to kiss me. I slapped him and went home.“

“That’s my girl.” Namjoon giggled. “Now I know why he was so mad, you probably bruised his pride. He needed a wake-up call like that, not everyone is going to take his crap, he needs to learn that.” That fact made you smirk a bit, you felt like you had the upper hand as of now.

“Why is he like this?...” You sounded tired like you’ve asked yourself this question before. “I don’t understand why he treats me like that...”

Namjoon had to think before giving you his answer, did Jungkook even have a reason? He assumed that the kid just acted like that because of childhood habits; he was selfish, greedy, aggressive even. “I-...I really don’t know, he’s only ever treated you this way, I think it’s just apart of his growing up process.” He scratched the back of his head in thought. “Even though he is an adult...He-”

“He saw me in the pool with Jimin, that was it!” Your abrupt outburst had Namjoon curious onto what else you had to say.

“I don’t know what I was doing, I liked Jimin, I really did...” Your lips were turned down in a quivering frown. “I had a crush on him since forever and I never thought in a million years that he would give me the time of day, but he did, he told me that he liked me too and I was happy....” Your fingers were tight on the steering wheel, still trying to remain in control of the vehicle despite your frustration. “Jungkook kept sending these mean messages, I don’t even want to repeat the things he said, he was livid, over nothing Joon, absolutely nothing...” You stopped at the red light, holding back any signs of tears—this was nothing to cry about.

“I know you liked him. I wish it could’ve happened another way for you two but it just didn’t work out. I’m sorry I can’t help more...” This was the first time he heard how Jungkook found out about you and Jimin, now he understood a bit better. Jungkook went out there, looking for you and you were necking with one of his bestfriends—there’s the big picture. Jungkook was hurt, jealous—insecure. Something he wanted didn’t want him back, it wanted someone else. Can you imagine how it must’ve felt when he saw you, genuinely showering Jimin with affection after what you two had been doing? He was overwhelmed, he felt betrayed and used for the first time in a long long time, and that was the problem. He didn’t have the right to respond that way, you weren’t his; a few unchaste kisses and touching of bodies does not a relationship make. And Jungkook knew that. He knew that he didn’t want a bond from this and neither did you, so you and Jimin shouldn’t have been a problem.

“I can understand why he was so angry now.” Namjoon gazed out of the window, a dispirited expression on his face. “I think for the first time in his life, his heart was vulnerable and he was no longer in control. You were tugging his heartstrings in every which direction and you didn’t even know it.” The mental picture brought a fond grin to his lips.

You blinked, attempting to process what he meant by that. “Me? I thought you were on my side here. I shouldn’t be penalized for his feeling-”

“No, no, no, I don’t mean it like that, of course, you shouldn’t. IIt’s just- Jungkook really hates feeling he’s not wanted, just like everybody else, he wants to feel desired. When he saw you- You I’m saying he felt like you were cheating on him, using him.” How were you supposed to use Jungkook? What could you possibly gain from that?

“You can’t cheat when there’s no relationship- And if it were him, he’d tell the unlucky girl to get over it because it’s not a relationship anyway. And if anything, he’s been using me. He doesn’t have the right to catch feelings but not punish me for it.”

“Yes, I agree, but I know Jungkook well enough to know this, his head, heart, and body are all in different spheres. He just doesn’t know how to make those three parts of himself work in unison and the result of that is situations like this.” Namjoon sighed, seeing that you two had arrived at the apartment already. “But that’s no excuse, he has to grow out of that and face the music like the rest of us.”

You two got out of the car and you ran over to help Taehyung with the pizza and Namjoon took it upon himself to knock on the door. Yoongi lazily opened the door, not phased by the sudden arrival. You helped bring the food inside and before you knew it you were plopped on the couch, forgetting everything related to finals and indulging in the cheesy, salty goodness of the pizza.

“Hi Jungkook.” Irene. “A 7 1/2 please.” She came to the counter, looking at him like a hyena would a raw steak—he looked good to her. Jungkook knew her from around and she knew him but rarely did they interact.

“Okay.” He turned to look for the women's 7 1/2 box but it was empty. He searched around, dreading having to go to the overstock room to get them, he peeked up at her with doe eyes. “We’re out of 7 1/2′s can you do a 7 or an 8?” He raised his brows, seeing that she was smiling at him. “Well, I’m about to clock out so I’ll ask my manager to-”

“No, that’s okay.” She leaned against the counter, a grin still present on her lips. “You said you’re about to clock out, yeah? Are you busy?” Her eyes raking up and down his body, the slight bulging of his biceps under the work polo intrigued her in every way possible.

“No, why?” He countered with the crook of his brow, she followed him as he walked along the lengthy counter to go punch in his hours.

“Just curious...” Pearly whites digging into her bottom lip as he walked passed her, she followed him without clear intent. She put a hand on his chest, stopping him from walking away from her, she brought her face close to his, the proximity of closeness made him laugh—that’s what she wanted.

In a matter of minutes, they were in the alleyway between two unsuspecting buildings, classy.

“J-jungkook.” She manages to choke out through his relentless assault on her clavicle, it was more painful than anything and she wondered why he was being so forceful. When he lead her out here her stomach lurched in excitement and they were in the little corner where she was sure no one could see. “Y-you okay?” He was aggressive.

He responded with a rough nip to her neck followed by a tantalizing lick to soothe the pinch; she figured he was just in a feisty mood so she went with the flow. His hands found her bare waist and chest, not deciding on which one to seek comfort in. He was all over her, not providing her the leeway to control much but her hands. At this point, his shirt was wrinkled up and her lipstick was smeared into an abstract of lecherous hunger on her lips.

Jungkook snarled when her hand wandered up to his stomach to his chest but not close to where he wanted it. She gripped his collar to take his mouth away from her neck and have a nice long look at his deep, almost opaque orbs—he looked so intense and focused. “Are you trying to make look like I’ve been mauled? Damn.” She was referring to the love bites on her once cream-colored flesh. His cheeks were glowing a light pink when he left the heat of her neck, he was already feeling cold.

“Why’re you in such a rush?-” He shoved his mouth against hers, swallowing her protests until they were nothing but moans—he didn’t come here to chitchat. They kissed for a little while, he easily battled her tongue into submission with his own, he would go so far as to say he was being a little nasty with it. But right now, he didn’t care what it looked like, as long as he could overstimulate himself with the feeling.

He pulled back, chest heaving lightly with a wetness coating his chin and strawberry colored lips. “Isn’t this what you wanted? Hm?” He smirked, their clothes were in shambles when he stopped to ask her. “You like this, don’t you? Shit, I know you do,” He smirked to himself, “I can see it on your face...” His hands doing their own thing to bring her to her metaphorical knees.

“Mhm.” She nodded, getting into character when his tone became authoritative and stern.

“Yeah?...” He nibbled on the cherry flavor that lingered on his lips, that’s why her lips were so bright red and plush. In the height of the moment, he clutched her jaw and slipped an index finger in the disturbingly warm cavern, because in hindsight, that’s all he was looking for out of this—warmth, he wanted to feel warm again. She bit him lightly, just applying enough pressure to grin. “Mm.” He scoffed, slipping the finger out and wiping her saliva on her clothes. “What do you want? Tell me what you want.” He demanded, wanting to hear her articulate it word by word.

“You, please.” She cooed. “I want you Jungkook, I don’t care how.” Now she sounded too desperate—but weren’t they both?

“Yeah?” He taunted with a throaty voice. “Let me hear you say it again...” He mumbled, more to himself than her. “Say it again, I want to hear you say it...” She obliged to his request, repeating over and over that he was all she wanted, craved to hear that. It triggered an influx of dopamine to his brain, it was like he was floating when he heard that one simple, yet, significant phrase, ‘I want you.’ “Fuck, turn around...”

Warmth.

For a moment, he felt a warmth, soft skin mangled together and he was in euphoria.

He got to feel wanted, even if it was only physical desire, and even if it only lasted for so long, he got to feel it and that had to mean something. It was satisfaction he was looking for but He hadn’t found it. When they finished, Irene clutched onto nothing when he pushed her further with an arm snaked around her stomach like a restraint. He felt a dirty, disgusting feeling—the high was over and it was time to say goodnight.

Night after night, girl after easy girl, in an attempt to fill that hollow space. Those girls would fill him to the brim for a short second just to drain him dry in seconds, and he’d do the same to them. He could have it his way, not have to lift a finger and they would swoon over him, fight each other if it meant spending their night with the midnight’s offspring. When it was all said and done, he cleaned up, fumbling to zip his pants up as Irene walked off in a hurry, saying she was supposed to be somewhere an hour ago or something like that.

He went to his car in the back of the building and sat there dejected -- he regrets it, he felt remorse that made him want to cry and so he did. Tears escape his eyes and trickled down his cheeks. Sitting in the dark of the parking lot, sobbing into the steering wheel with trembling fingers—he felt cold again, it chilled down to his bones.

“Well, I should head home, my parents don’t want me out too late.” It was just you and Namjoon left while Yoongi was still in his room, Taehyung and Beah had gone home but you were pretty invested in this book when they left. Namjoon looked up at you from his computer. “Are you done with chapter 13?”

“Yeah, I finished it.” You began to pack up your stuff, tired and ready to go to get in your soft, cozy bed.

“Y/n, can you throw those towels in the dryer.” You heard Yoongi voice from his bedroom. “And throw those pizza boxes out.”

“This is your house Yoongi, I’m not your maid.” You grudgingly stood to your feet and went to do it anyway, it was the least you could do since he invited everyone into his place. Well, more like, let everyone invite themselves. You went to the little laundry area near the kitchen and did as he asked, Namjoon watched you with his glasses teetering at the tip of his nose.

“I guess I’ll head out too.” He announced, slinging his packed bag over your shoulder.

“Wait, I’ll walk you to your car.” You stopped what he was doing and walked with him outside.

“Remember when you told me you’d look after me?” You spoke suddenly standing at the car door with a dreamy look on your face.

“How could I forget?” He smiled, his dimples looking as deep as the craters on the moon.

“Well, I’ve been thinking about that, a lot actually...” You twiddled your fingers absentmindedly. “You’re a really good friend, like, you care a lot about me, more so than most people.”

“What are friends for, right? If I can’t help you in some way then what am I here for? That’s just how I think.” He crossed his arms, leaning against the car to look at you with a sweet smile.

“Well, thank you.” You stood up on your tippy toes and pecked his cheek—he blushed immediately.

“Y-y/n?” He laughed nervously. “What was that for?”

“I don’t know, just for being you...” You were suddenly shy as he got into his car, bidding you farewell. You went back to the apartment to fold those towels for Yoongi.

Jungkook found somewhere to park and watch the lights for a little while, the tears had dried and he was calm again. He got himself together and drove back to Yoongi’s place. When he made it there, he pulled out the spare key and jiggled it in the lock before it popped open. “Hey, I’m back hyung.” Yoongi made a sound of acknowledgment. He sighed, throwing his heavy body on the couch. He noticed that there were a bunch of folded towels on the couch so he sat them on the center table. He laughed a little, he’s never seen Yoongi as the type to do laundry publicly. He was tired, even with the tv on he started to get droopy-eyed.

Someone was in the house. You had to use the bathroom before you left and you weren’t expecting anyone else to come over. Too anxious to walk out to see who it was, you slowly turned off the light and peeked out. There he was, watching tv the couch, curled up like a kid.

Why is he here? You wanted to be angry but you were more curious than anything. For a while you just watched him; he’d take a sip of water, weave his hand through his hair, habitual little things. It’s been weeks since you last saw him and you were happy about that, you were mad at him. He yelled at you and kissed you without permission, in front of a bunch of people and even tried to chase you.

After a little while, he was out cold and you took that opportunity to sneak out. You crawled out of the bathroom and into the living to get your bag, he was silent, not moving an inch as he slept peacefully. You managed to make it to the front door and you were just about to twist the mob when you felt a presence behind you, a heat. You couldn’t move, you were perfectly capable of walking out—why are you just standing here?

“You-...You left your sweater.” When you looked back he had wiped at his eyes in an attempt to hide any signs of sleep. “This is yours, isn’t it?” He stared at you, why were you over Yoongi’s, alone. “I remember you had it at the cabins.” You nodded and took the sweater, twisting the nob but not opening it yet, tear a started to well at your eyes. He’s always treated you differently, poked fun at you and made you feel out of place. He’d taunt you and try to annoy you whenever he got the chance, he wasn’t good and you didn’t want him, you didn’t want to want someone like him. You hand to chant in your mind, Ignore him, leave him, don’t say anything-

“You hurt me...” You looked back at him, he was surprised you even spoke. “I shouldn’t give you the time of day, you know that don’t you?” He scratched the back of his neck, pressing his lips together and making his dimples appear lightly, he was nervous. “You got mad at me for being around you and then you kissed me.” You frowned. “What is wrong with you!?” You shouted, probably disturbing Yoongi’s silence

He blinked and began to feel a tremendous amount of guilt weigh down on him.

“You tried to follow me, you called me a backstabbing slut, a whore...You act like I cheated on you! Like I violated something sacred when you really had no right to be jealous, we aren’t together. I am not yours, I have never been close to being yours and you know that. All we did was fool around and it didn’t mean anything to you. It shouldn’t have meant anything to me, you played with me and for some reason I let you...You don’t care about me Jungkook, you said it yourself, you just want my body, remember? You just come back for ‘the physical shit’ as you put it...you don’t even feel guilty either-”

“I screwed up.” He breathed heavily, anxious to start speaking “But just hear me out. I’m sorry, I’m sorry for everything, I was a douchebag.” His teeth sunk into his bottom lip. “I do some bad things y/n, really bad and dirty things, and when it’s done I feel sick to my stomach- I don’t know what it is, I just never get full enough, so, I do it over and over to fill myself up but I still feel empty...” You could only imagine what he meant as ‘bad things.’ “And cold...” He paused. “Even with all the bodies I’ve sunk myself in to get that warm feeling I can never get it to last, I can’t be satisfied and it’s killing me. I told you that I can’t stop thinking about you, the way you kiss, your laugh, the way you talk, it’s always in my mind-” He was just rambling now. “I’m just trying to forget you.”

“That’s really touching Jungkook.” You retorted in sarcasm.

He swallowed. “But it’s not working and I don’t know what to do. I even hooked up with a girl that once bullied you, a few girls actually...” He suddenly confessed. “When I realized it, I wanted to die. I knew you would hate me for it, you should hate me for a lot of things...”

“You’re right, I should hate you.” That physically stung him, your words were like daggers to his soul. “But I don’t, and that’s what I hate about you, Jungkook. Not that you emotionally scar me for life but because here I am, talking to you like it never happened.” And that was the truth. “We’re not lovers, we’re not in a friendship let alone a relationship, I won’t put this much emotional energy into something that’ll hurt me.”

He choked back a sob, was it really nothing to you? “I-...I don’t want to hurt you. I know I was mean but I was just upset. When I saw you and Jimin in that pool- I don’t know,” He exhaled shakily. “I felt hurt...”

“Well, I felt the same way when you yelled at me but I didn’t publicly humiliate you. Where is the connection between your emotions and your reactions? You’re not a child, you know better than to lash out the way that you do.” You were starting to sound like a mom the way you scolded him.

“I’m just asking for you to forgive me, that’s all...”

“Would that soothe your guilty conscious or something? If you get my forgiveness, what do I get, hm? I’ll be like you now, I don’t want to do anything that won’t benefit me...Doesn’t feel so good, does it?”

That was harsher than you intended.

“You get my vulnerability.” He replied timidly. “My weakness, my pain, you get to see me at my lowest...” Out of the blue, he started to cry, silently. The sight took your breath away—you had never seen him like this, absolutely vulnerable. A few tears escaped his eyes and you’re heart lurched, you were witnessing such a personal moment and you almost felt guilty. “I’m begging you...”

You started to feel terrible, he was really sincere about this. “Jungkook,” You sighed, “look, I forgive you okay? But that doesn’t mean-”

The melodic buzz of your phone interrupted the moment, it was your mom. “Hello? Sorry, I lost track of time studying, I’m on my way now.” Jungkook could hear your mom over the phone. “Love you too, bye.” You hung and tucked the phone back in your pocket. “I have to go...”

Jungkook wiped away his tears and nodded, accepting the fact that you had to leave. You suddenly reached into your bag, searching for something until he pulled it out, his earbuds. “I uh, I never gave them back, so, here.” He extended his hand and you dropped them into his palm, was this a peace offering he thought.

“Thanks.” He looked down at his hand and slowly, out of sheer faith, he brought his face close to yours, noses getting too close for comfort. You stared him in the eye, his lips parted in desperation but you refused to quit their whine for attention. You felt your self almost meet his lips by instinct, knowing they remembered the dance they’ve done so many times at the campground. You placed a hand on his chest to deny his request though. He mentally winced at the rejection but it didn’t change a thing because, in a matter of seconds, you were out the door and he stood there alone—cold.

“Don’t forget to turn the TV off, I can’t sleep with it on.” Yoongi peeked out of his room nonchalantly to see Jungkook walking back from the front door, he figured he’d ask later. Jungkookk went to sleep on the couch, the silence lulling him into a state of peace.

You are the sun that rose again in my life The return of my childhood dreams

I don't know what this feeling is. Perhaps, I'm in a dream, are you there too? My surroundings become more and more transparent, but I still see you.

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