#he’s traumatized he’s had a difficult life AND he sucks as a leader and as a mate

[jynjackets]

Do you think Jyn and Maarva would like each other?

tl;dr: no <3

I don't think Jyn would get along with maarva as she is a source of Cassian's issues with self-worth and guilt, similar to how Saw is a source for her fear of abandonment. Maarva doesn't even like her own son so who knows who's good enough for her lol.

a long rant below the cut

Jyn being someone who knows exactly what it’s like to be adopted and re-abandoned, her seeing Cassian's mother be consistently disappointed in her drugged n kidnapped adopted son is a whole other level of fucked up parental issues. Maarva opting to be with her her town instead of Cassian in her last days and also disbanding his actual family, it would be very difficult for someone like Jyn to see past these actions.

There's also no real justification for Maarva's treatment of Cassian (because he doesn't do his capitalist ferrix job? because he brings girls home? because he still lives with her even though he takes care of her?). AND even after her death, the last thing she wants him to remember was “hey, you’re a big fuck up, but that’s okay <3”.

Maarva has done nothing but live her life from her fuckass couch and yet had the audacity to tell Cassian that he needs to stand up, that he needs to rebel or get a job. Even after when he fought back and went to child prison after seeing his adopted father hanged. So not only did you get ripped away from your parents, but also the person that supposedly chose you felt like they got more than they bargained for, Cassian therefore feeling ultimately undesired by both the biological and adopted family.

But being a parent is complicated, is she at fault?

Compare it to Saw abandoning Jyn. When Jyn grew older he was forced to choose between his daughter and his life's mission. Abandoning her is, without argument, fucked up. While it created irreparable damage, we can understand why he did it. Not only was it traumatizing for Jyn, but it was THE ultimate sacrifice he was making from himself. The thing that shifts some blame away is that it gutted him to do this, and he did it from a place making sure she was safe and alive.

So with this in mind, what is Maarva’s sacrifice in being constantly disappointed in your adopted son because he isn’t like everyone else? What does she gain when she tells him to forget about Kenari, that there’s nothing left? Imagine being adopted, being told as an adult that, no, you can’t be looking for your biological family and that they’re nothing now, and that even trying is useless. The only thing I can see is that she just wants Cassian to fit her image of an ideal Ferrix citizen, which isn't amazing and isn't enough to justify her actions.

Moreover, as someone who has lost a parent, the last moments you have with them hold a permanent memory that weigh differently than everything else, and imo require its own sort of grief. On Maarva's last days, she made him leave without her, even when she knew she was going to die by not taking her meds. She would rather spend her last days being memorialized as a hero on Ferrix than being with her only son. And at the end of your days, you want to go home. You want to be with family for as long as possible. For Maarva, home was Ferrix and everyone else there, not Cassian.

So Maarva sucks because she was a terrible mother at the benefit of literally nothing. Where Saw was the insurgent leader of the extremist cell that made major attacks against the empire; and not the best father largely because of his life's work but also still wanting to do his best to keep his daughter safe. But look who gets more villainized than anybody else and who is more celebrated as a hero?

On a tangent now, I believe Jyn and Maarva would be comparable to Cassian and Saw's relationship: you don't feel all warm and fuzzy inside meeting the [person you care about]'s greatest source of trauma.

All that Cassian knows about him is that he adopted her, then abandoned her. Upon seeing him on Jedha he almost draws a gun to protect Jyn (doing that before THE guy, THE supposed terrorist and Empire's most wanted, mind you), unsure where their relationship stands. Saw of course, would protect his daughter in turn, not knowing who this guy is.

I would believe Jyn would see Maarva in a similar light on a dramatically smaller scale. That "I hate my MIL and our interests are only mutually aligned around what's best for Cassian", but of course what that means is totally different things. Maarva sees Cassian and believes he needs to change. Even when she’s fucking dead he still needs for things to come together in order to be unstoppable, or whatever vision she had in mind for him and that him on his own is not enough.

And so the rest of this is how I interpret the implications for Rogue One: that the lessons both Jyn and Cassian took from their adopted parents can be mutually shattered as they see each other for who they are and not what they've been molded to believe.

As we know with Jyn, she has a complex moral code. When she sees a stormtrooper she feels the reflex to kill. When she sees a war-torn child, her reaction is to risk her own life to save innocents. And this is what she continues to do when she meets Cassian. She has every reason to shoot him and steal his ship. But on Jedha, seeing him agreeing with her that she was perhaps worth saving after her deed of saving the child, she sees him in return when he shoots the partisan. They see each other for their actions, for the better parts of each other, despite their words and even their own personal doubts. Jyn continues to risk her life for him over and over again and vice versa. She doesn’t want to change him at all and she inspires him to fight in ways he perhaps has forgotten or never knew was possible.

In fact, the reason she’s angry with him on Eadu is because he lied to her. Revealing the intention to kill someone’s dad easily put your anger in the right, but while she is mixed up with grief, the bigger part of her knows he was incapable of doing it and doesn’t revel in the fact of who he could’ve been if he killed her father or even combined with terrible things he's done, but just sees the present man that didn't and instead came back for her. Even Cassian is thinking how she was going to kill him for it, when he hadn’t even committed the crime. He’s caught up with the impression and perception of the kind of man he is, the narrative that he’s been fed his whole life that he’s committed atrocities that deem him unworthy.

Jyn and Cassian offer each other a break from narratives and reputations that they've tried to sound out their whole lives. And although both characters have a lot of integrity, being told the same thing over again through life lessons, you begin to believe it yourself. It's where we meet the two of them at their lowest points. That for Jyn, she wasn't someone worth returning to, that there isn't hope amongst war. And for Cassian, that he's not a good person for things he's done, that war is endless, and he has to follow orders or do things for others in order to belong. As the events of Rogue One unfold, we can see how they come to understand each other. They create a bond by feeling seen for the first time.

IN SUMMARY:

Maarva is like the exact opposite of Saw Gerrera in all the worst fucking ways, I tell you. Instead of being family friends with and saving the child that he later abandons, she kidnaps the child away from their actual family and then holds them hostage on her planet to force-assimilate and take care of her in her old age. And instead of actively rebelling through extremist insurgencies, she sits around and berates her son to go be a rebel, and yet disappointed that he doesn't have a job or doesn't do what everybody else does(?).

Jyn would hate that bitch like. Every Life Day would be an ordeal. The irony of how she fucking dies doing nothing when Saw Gerrera is barely held together by oxygen tubes and yet outlives this couch potato. Andors versus Erso-Gerreras it's first-planet problems versus outer rim problems. Yeah they're both traumatic but the biggest difference is one of these is entirely avoidable if you just weren't a piece of shit.

#maarva is neither an activist nor a good mother #she is a neoliberal that really likes her capitalist town and they like her for some reason #jyn actually punches every neolib she meets #imagine telling people to go fight with their lives when you literally just died from old age 💀 #I'd throw a tomato at that hologram #MAKE IT MAKE SENSE #when she fucking chloroformed him and everyone was like ooooh the layers 💀 #media literacy is actually dead #what the fuck is even the point of your anti-fascism if it's not anti-racist #i don't want it if that's the case #don't even want to look at it its pointless its an oxymoron #saw gerrera did nothing wrong actually #of course there's rebelcaptain in here #anon asks #thanks for the question i finally learned how to turn these back on #anti maarva andor

[lordwisteria]

Going off that “Jason Todd should be Catholic” post I reblogged....this is so ridiculously niche lol but I need to get it off my chest....Jason Todd is so Ronan Lynch coded

Traumatic reaction to violence that unexpectedly changed them forever, into darker and harder versions of themselves

Molten eyes and a smile made for war!!!

How do you live if you think you were maybe supposed to be dead?

How do you kill yourself again and again, even if it keeps you alive?

Just to get it out of the way yes Gansey died and came back but Jason and Gansey are like the least alike of anyone

Complicated relationship with a parent they once adored

Inexplicable magic that is difficult to explain and makes their lives harder (Like everything about Ronan/Jason coming back to life and the Pit)

General asshole who actually does care a lot

Cared the MOST about one person (Gansey) and slowly came to care about everyone else; fighting and clawing their way back into their own families

It is about RAGE and REGRET. FEAR and FORGIVENESS. It is BEING THE MONSTER AND ASKING FOR LOVE ANYWAY

Ok but. But but. Are there any other parallels? You could go the Lynch brothers route (Dick as Declan, Tim or Damian as Matthew, Bruce as a complicated and dead Niall whose obsessions killed him without considering what it would leave behind for his sons). But I think this really only considers the characters relationships with Jason, not who they are as a person. IF we are looking at who they are instead of their relationships (so yes this does not consider romantic/platonic/blahblah):

It would be easy to say Dick is Gansey. They have the same name, are ~leaders~, and are canonically the prettiest princess in any room. I get it and maybe in the Titans you'd be right, but here, Bruce is Gansey. He is the one with the quest! He is the one driving things forwards and bringing the others along. He's the one with the family name and the family wealth and the family home. He went through something traumatic as a child that irrevocably changed him, fueled his intense guilt and obsession. He brought the group together, and yet feels left behind by them. Someone who cares deeply about the people immediately around him, and yet will not stop pursuing his other goals even if it's hurting them or himself. Obsessed, I think, with proving that he deserves to be here.

Which means that Dick...is Adam Parrish. Like. The constant search for independence. The perfectionism. The bad relationship with his father that forced him to need to be his own man. (Sorry real Bruce but you sucked in batman #416) Loving someone so much and yet always thinking the worst of them. Refusing to be a burden and yet accepting any yoke that comes his way. The intensity of the performance, of pretending to be who you wish you were for the people you care about. Taking on responsibilities because there is literally no other choice, nothing else you could do. Picking the best of your options and knowing that none for them are to rest easy. Valuing freedom so much and giving up your literal body for the quest.

PLUS (less perfect but): Cass as Henry Cheng (and not just bc they are both asian do not look at me like that) Narrative outsider who was watching from afar and put themselves in the narrative. Was molded by shady parent's shady business practices. Was put in a situation as a child they should not have had to endure, which challenged their beliefs and shaped them anew. And maybe like, later Tim as Noah, a bright, fun, young kid on a skateboard who gets himself involved in something too big for him and is undeniably damaged by it. Tim isn't betrayed by someone the way Noah is, but he's kind of...betrayed by the narrative, in a way? Betrayed by the adventure that he thought he was getting. Too clever for his own good, but sometimes naive about people. Lowkey a mirror that lets people see whatever they want to see lol

(I don't see super clear parallels for anyone else lol but I did have a fun time with the thought of Damian as Blue (short/down to fight/has another family/environmentalist/kind of feels fundamentally alienated as someone who is not like everyone else/wears green))

#batfam #the raven cycle #this is so silly and i feel like these parallels are so based on my exact experience and yet also i feel them deep in my bones #meta #i guess if i did do this comparison with the titans #dick would be gansey #which would make jason helen LOL which is kinda of excellent by itself #but idk i just feel there could be something really interesting in an AU like this #it would need to be a same age AU lol but #maybe Dick is in a bad orphanage type thing like in robin annual #but without grown up bruce theres no one to get him out #bruce still saves him by being his friend though #dick and jason both have relationships with bruce and are suspicious of each other #but end up being super close by the end #I also feel Jason would throw Tim out a window which would be funny #dick grayson #jason todd #bruce wayne #tim drake #cass cain

[k-martins]

I'm not the most genius person, but I'm really confused on how to play Toji. Some people say that he didn't care about Megumi. Others say yes and that he was a great father. As ?????????????? Well, I'll say what I think and correct me if I'm wrong.

Toji was someone traumatized, with no respect for himself or others, who had suffered enough at the hands of his shitty family. Okay, got it. Knowing him like this, it's hard to think that he would be a good father to Megumi (his fight advice, while amusing, sucks, I'm glad Tsumiki understood that). I imagine him being someone so sunk in his own loss and grief that he didn't even think about his son. It also didn't help that Megumi looked a lot like Mamagumi. That's why Toji married the first woman who showed at least a little bit of decency and stability (Mamamiki), because even though he was doing a shit job of keeping his son, he still cared about him enough to secure a bit of normality. So, not caring about anything, Toji just walks away and leaves Megumi behind. He visits him occasionally, but the visits eventually become more and more sparse until they stop altogether (that flashback looks very old, very blurry, as if Toji hadn't really bothered to look for a long time, and I theorize that may have been the their last moment together, as Megumi looks really upset here and lonely). So, a while later, when Shiu talks about Megumi, Toji's first reaction is to be confused. This is difficult for me. For if it was he who gave the name, why does he not remember? Some people have said that he was just covering it up and not wanting to talk to Shiu, but that sounds so wrong to me. Shiu has known him for 10 years, he probably knew Mamagumi and took care of Megumi at some point, so it doesn't make sense to me. Then why? What is most accepted is that Toji did not associate the name with the person, because he probably called Megumi by any other name (in my country's translation, he always refers to Megumi as "kid" or "son"), so he forgot his son's name was "Megumi" and remembered it after he fought Geto, because he remembered why he chose the name in the first place (because "Megumi"="blessing", he was his blessing, even though Toji I didn't value her that much). Well then he has the whole zenin clan business. Toji probably thought that Megumi would have a better life than he did and would be able to live without having to doubt whether she would eat at night. I don't know if he knew about the ten shadows, but if he did, Toji's choice to hand over Megumi makes sense. As the holder of an inherited technique, he would reach the top of the zenin clan and have a comfortable life. Of course, selling it is still problematic, but fuck that. Toji probably threw all the money away anyway… Or did he hand over some money to tsumiki's mother???? This woman is much worse, in my opinion. We don't know anything about her, but I hate her (Imagine if it's Kenjaku again????? LOL… Okay, now I'm thinking about it.)

So, the conclusion I have is: Toji cared for Megumi and truly loved him, but he could never have been the father his son deserved. He didn't even know what parental love was. I bet if he knew about Naobito's decision the guy would probably laugh. The son of the zenin clan's failure becoming the leader of it all. It's ironically comical. Alright, now that I've analyzed that, I'm going to ignore all those people saying that Toji is a great dad and all the others that say he didn't care about Megumi. You are all wrong. I throw it in the same trash as people who say that Sukuna is a fraud and Gojo is Goat (what the fuck does that mean????? Brazilian without understanding here.)

#Now I'm thinking that Kenjaku could also be Tsumiki's mommy #considering that Megumi hasn't seen Kenjaku and has a bad memory #could it be possible? #this would explain how he made Tsumiki eat a cursed object #fushiguro megumi #jjk #jujutsu kaisen #megumi fushiguro #jjk spoilers #toji fushiguro #tsumiki fushiguro #kenjaku

[hellsbellschime]

A Brief Exploration Of How Generational Trauma Destroys The World

Although The Umbrella Academy is only two seasons deep, one thing about the family that serves as the focal point of this story seems abundantly clear. They are absolutely, abysmally awful at their jobs.

After the bizarre births of some seemingly extraordinary children, Sir Reginald Hargreeves set out to purchase as many of these oddities as possible with one singular purpose behind it in mind, using these exceptional kids to save the world. Although Reginald only managed to acquire seven of these baby flukes, each of the Hargreeves children were gifted with some extremely unusual superpowers that seem to set all of them up for a successful life as superheroes.

Reginald raised them with the most rigorous superhuman training that he could devise, and he explicitly intended for his children to save the world. However, after nearly two decades of training and experience, along with a few major bumps in the road, the vast majority of the Umbrella Academy decided to leave the life of the hero behind.

But despite the fact that the children were raised to save the world, it seems like they can't help but to end it. The family has been estranged for years, but now, over the course of two seasons, they've managed to end the world twice, and in both instances it was just mere days after reuniting as a family. So, why the hell do all of the Hargreeves kids suck at life so hard?

Although the Hargreeves clan is supposed to be a squad of superheroes, the reality of the situation is that they are truly just a group of neglected and traumatized children who are not equipped to deal with adulthood, and their lack of ability to cope seems to have catastrophic consequences for the rest of the world. However, each one of the children is dysfunctional in their own way.

LUTHER

Oh, Number 1. Luther is the assigned leader of the Umbrella Academy, but it's painfully, awkwardly obvious that Allison might be the only one to even possibly defer to Luther in an emergency situation.

It is very interesting though, that Reginald has made Luther his number 1. Clearly Luther doesn't have the necessary leadership skills to keep his siblings on task, but he also arguably has one of the least useful superpowers of the entire group. So then, why is it that he's number 1?

Well, the obvious answer seems to be that, while he is not the most powerful, he may be the most useful to Reginald, because he is the only one of Reginald's children who actually tows the company line. He's the only person who has truly committed his life to Reginald's failed experiment, so even if he's the least powerful, he provides the most utility to Reginald.

In Reginald's eyes it's easy to see why Luther may have been the most important, however through the eyes of a normal human being, it's easy to see why Luther's experience growing up in the Umbrella Academy and his experience as Number 1 was so psychologically damaging to him. Luther seems to go to great lengths to seek approval and love specifically from people who always deny him, and this self sabotaging behavior seems to be reflected in many of the largest and smallest aspects of Luther's life.

Luther shouldered a disproportionate amount of blame for ending the world in season 1. Yes, his actions did have the direst consequences that any actions can have, but it's not at all difficult to understand his train of thought.

Firstly, he's the only member of the Hargreeves family who has never been able to escape his abuser. Luther's entire self identity is designed around what Reginald has taught him, and his overly simplistic idea of what a hero is and how he needs to lead his family is one of the many ways in which Luther demonstrates that he truly has not experienced life outside of his abusive childhood.

Secondly, it should come as no surprise at all that Luther's first instinct on how to handle Vanya is to do exactly what Reginald would have done. Despite the fact that no one actually remembers Vanya being locked up, Luther's reaction to the threat that Vanya poses is astonishingly predictable given that he is built by Reginald's design, through and through.

But finally, while Luther's actions are obviously the incorrect ones, clearly his assumptions about the threat that Vanya posed were absolutely correct. There were very few reasonable courses of action when the family realized that Vanya not only had powers, but had become dangerously unstable surprisingly quickly. Luther did take the wrong course of action, but there was really nothing wrong with his thought process behind it, and ironically it was likely only Reginald's extended isolation of Vanya in her childhood that led to Luther's imprisonment of her in adulthood causing such apocalyptic consequences.

Although Luther is a product of his environment, it's clear that he takes his duties as a real life superhero seriously. And interestingly, even though he was the last child to extricate himself from Reginald (and he didn't extricate himself willingly), he has actually shown himself to be one of the most easily self-reflective and self-critical characters in season 2 of The Umbrella Academy.

Luther made an enormous mistake because he recognized that Vanya was a powder keg ready to explode, but the choices that he made actually caused that bomb to go off. When he sees Vanya again, it's understandable that his first instinct is to eliminate the threat at any cost. But after just a few moments of consideration, he takes responsibility for his own actions, he recognizes that he needs to change, and he acknowledges that Vanya deserves the opportunity to change as well. Ironically, one of his first choices as an individual that isn't directed and controlled by Reginald is exactly the kind of decision that a good leader would make, which really goes to show how much Reginald's influence has stifled Luther's growth as a person.

DIEGO

If you're not first, you're last. Despite the fact that Diego is outwardly the most resistant to the training and indoctrination that his abusive father foisted upon him, it seems like Diego's position as Number 2 is how he has defined himself for his entire life.

The effect that Reginald's abuse had seems to be the most obvious with Diego out of anyone in the family, because it controls every aspect of his being. Everything that Diego thinks, says, or does is in reaction to his realization and understanding that he was raised by an abusive monster, as well as his deep and unyielding desire to experience true parental love in a way that was always denied to him.

It's intriguing but understandable that, despite hating his father more than anyone, Diego wound up becoming his Number 2. Because although Diego seems to mold himself in a reactionary way against everything that his father taught him, he's still the most ardently heroic member of the family, even more so than Luther.

Interestingly, despite the fact that Diego appears to be the most aggressive and brash member of the family, it seems like whenver he makes an attempt to express any of his sincere or deep emotions, he has a lot of trouble doing so directly. Both in the literal sense, due to his stutter, but also in an emotional and psychological sense too.

Like many of the Hargreeves kids, Diego's form of dysfuction almost seems to be an extension of his own superpower. He can literally adjust the trajectory of flying objects when they're already in flight, and his life's obsession seems to be redirecting his heroic story arc in the direction that he wants to see it go instead of along the path that his father set out for him. However, it's still incredibly telling and meaningful that Diego still defines himself by the heroic archetype that his father forced on to him when he was a child.

Similarly, Diego seems to be equally conflicted in his feelings towards his siblings. He at times embraces them, at times resists them, and he always seems to want to redefine the relationships that they all have on his terms instead of his father's terms. And the fact that he is so ardent that they all be a part of Team Zero when he spent his entire life playing the role of Number Two just goes to show that while he seems to rebel against everything that Reginald forced upon him, he still defines himself, his family, and the world in the terms that the Hargreeves patriarch laid out for him.

ALLISON

On the surface it would seem like Allison is the Hargreeves sibling who has gotten the closest to achieving a relatively normal life and who is the most capable of relating to others on a more healthy and normal psychological level, but it's still clear that her power defines how she relates to people and relates to the world, whether or not she's actually using it at the time.

Clearly her relationship with Luther is her most important familial bond, and while she doesn't seem to share Luther's more romantic interest in her, she does seem to be very keen to lean in to the person that Luther sees her as. And it's an understandable impulse, since it would appear that she doesn't use her powers on Luther or anyone in her family besides Vanya, so he's one of the few people who's interpretation of her she can actually rely on to be truthful.

But even when Allison can't or won't use her superpowers, her attempts at relating to other people or to society at large seem to be mostly driven by a need to control, redirect, or otherwise influence their way of thinking, even if they're extremely resistant to it. Of course, this isn't an entirely uncommon behavior, and it is an attitude that can be enormously beneficial in some situations while enormously detrimental in others.

However, the damage that Reginald has done to Allison is readily apparent because, regardless of the fact that she has been able to form deeper and more complex interpersonal relationships than any of her siblings, she still has no understanding of how to relate to people outside of her power.

And why would she? Allison's constant attempts at creating a normal life that seem to inevitably fail are not just failures because she is a superhuman trying to live in a human world. It's because she never had a fully dimensional and fleshed out human experience as a child. She wasn't seen as a person, but as a power, so she only knows how to develop or maintain relationships in which she exercises some sort of psychological control over the people she is engaging with, regardless of whether or not she's actually using her power in order to do it.

KLAUS

Klaus is undeniably one of the most compelling characters in the entire series, and it's easy to see why his childhood trauma has resulted in such extreme behavior and personality traits in his adulthood.

Reginald is a parent who did an exceptionally poor job of socializing his own children in a way that would help them function in the real world, but that lack of appropriate parenting seems like it would have the most extreme impact on Klaus, because Klaus' power is inherently social.

Seeing ghosts would be terrifying for any child and pretty much any adult on earth, but for a child who has no idea how to interact or relate to others, it could be an utterly crippling ability to have.

It's clear that the ghosts that Klaus typically sees are spirits who have some sort of unfinished business left in the world. And not only would any child be astonishingly incompetent when it came to dealing with those kinds of emotionally and psychologically complex situations, but the fact that Klaus' father mostly psychologically neglected and occasionally outright terrorized him meant that he had a very mentally draining and damaging power and was given no tools or coping skills with which to deal with them.

More than any other member of the Hargreeves family, it is Klaus that does everything that he can in order to escape his power, which is ironic considering that it was the only characteristic that his father seemed to think was relevant about him.

But, Klaus' desire to dull his senses by any means necessary was a rational response from a poorly emotionally developed person that was stuck in an astoundingly bizarre and psychologically taxing situation. In a sense, none of the siblings were failed by Reginald quite as much as Klaus was.

And that is a truly tragic result of Klaus' exceptional abilities. It's very telling that Klaus seems to occupy some metaphysical space between life and death that allows him to commune with the dead, but he's also terrified of losing the ones that he loves to death.

If most people knew with any degree of certainty that the afterlife was real, let alone if they could actually commune with the dead, it would be a huge relief. But Klaus lied to Ben about going into the light because he was afraid to lose him, and he spent most of the second season doing whatever he could to save Dave from certain death. But why? Well, because his father made his own abilities, and the dead, into his source of constant terror.

FIVE

Interestingly, despite the fact that he spent the least amount of time with Reginald out of all of his siblings, it seems that Five's utilitarian attitude towards heroism mirrors his father's the most closely out of anyone. It's easy to see why that would be the case, but the fact that Five's reaction to the most extreme trauma that any of the Hargreeves kids have endured is to act more like Reginald than any of the other members of his family is a strong indication of how abuse and generational trauma can affect an individual as well as an entire family.

However, there is one stark difference between Five and Reginald. While Five has a very easy time grasping the greater good in any morally difficult situation, he still goes out of his way to prioritize the health, safety, or survival of his family whenever he can.

With all of the Hargreeves children, there is an element of conflict that arises from the fact that they were raised being told that they had to save humanity, but they were also raised in a way that completely disconnected them from humanity. And with no character is that conflict more apparent than with Five.

Five is ready and willing to sacrifice nearly anyone that he feels he must on the altar of the greater good, but his emotional connection to his family is extremely strong, and even in the most dire of circumstances it seems like he always keeps them as his priority.

It's an interesting dichotomy for the character, because the distance between him and the rest of his siblings is larger and longer, both literally and psychologically, than anyone else in the Hargreeves family, but he seems to be almost entirely oriented around his family at the expense of himself. And it's a sharp contrast with his father, his father seems to have reacted to world-ending trauma by ensuring he would have no familial bond with his children, but Five has reacted to it by holding on to his familial bonds as if they're the only thing in the world that matters.

Although the trauma that Five experienced in the post-apocalyptic world as well as during his tenure as a time-traveling assassin is probably far worse than the trauma that he experienced as a child being raised by Reginald Hargreeves, becoming the survivor of an apocalyptic holocaust led him to most clearly mirror and contrast the parent who spent his entire life raising him with the intent of preventing another apocalyptic holocaust.

BEN

Most of the Hargreeves siblings seem to have some sort of connection between their power and their personality, either because of nature or nuture, so it's fascinating that Ben seems to be diametrically opposed to his. His ability to summon and partially transform into some horrific Eldtritch creature seems to completely contrast to his innocent, sweet, and generally kind disposition. But why is that?

Ironically Ben seems to be the most well adjusted member of the Hargreeves family, and it's hard not to speculate that his maturity might actually be driven by the fact that he died young.

He was subjected to the abusive and neglectful parenting of Reginald just like the rest of his siblings, but through death he actually wound up escaping his abuser. So, while his literal growth came to an abrupt end, it seems like his personal growth may have actually begun.

On the one hand, it seems like Ben's behavior is an obvious signifier of the fact that his life stopped at a relatively young age, however, a lot of Ben's behavior and overall outlook on life seems to be exceptionally childlike, even for someone who died as a teenager. And that in combination with the fact that he seems to be so well adjusted in relation to his other family members begs the question of whether or not death finally allowed Ben to have the childhood that he deserved but never had.

Either way, it certainly says a lot that the two most well adjusted members of the Hargreeves family either spent most of their lives in an apocalyptic hellscape or literally dead.

VANYA

Poor Number 7. Being relegated to the least important member of your family is never an easy position to occupy for anyone, but it seems like Vanya is the purest and most clear manifestation of all of Reginald Hargreeves' failings as a parent and teacher.

There are a lot of curious complexities to Vanya, and it's obvious that having no real human parental influence is almost certainly why she became the most dangerous member of the Umbrella Academy despite not even using her powers for most of her life.

Reginald's fatal mistake with Vanya was his belief that constantly reminding her of how un-special she was would lead to her never becoming dangerous enough to do real damage to the world. But his assumption of what would be the best way to handle her seems to be based on an incorrect conclusion that Reginald drew based on Vanya's behavior towards her nannies.

It's quite an odd dynamic, because while Vanya seems to have extremely negative reactions towards the nannies that try to parent her, Vanya's behavior in general has demonstrated her to be an extremely emotional, empathetic, and kind individual who doesn't want to hurt anyone or anything. So why did she keep on lashing out at the women who were being hired to care for her?

Well, because she is someone who had never experienced a human parent-child dynamic, and therefore she lashed out emotionally when that dynamic was suddenly thrust upon her.

Vanya may have become dangerous after years of being horribly abused, but what's sad about the trajectory of her life is that she clearly had an abundance of emotion, much of it positive emotion, that she was desperate to express but couldn't.

Given that she has very quickly fallen in love twice over the course of two seasons, it's painfully obvious that she feels like she has a lot of love to give and no one to give it too, but it's also tragically clear that she doesn't know how to differentiate between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy one.

Vanya dedicated her life to expressing herself through music, which is clearly deeply connected to the latent superpower that had been repressed for her entire life, but as a result of that enforced repression she even felt like a complete failure at that.

So, while everyone at the Umbrella Academy contributed to Vanya's meltdown in some way, the honest truth seems to be that nothing could have been done to prevent it. After a literal lifetime of total repression, abuse, and neglect, there was no other way for Vanya's abuse, or the abuse of all of the Hargreeves children, to end.

REGINALD

Of course, as the patriarch of the Hargreeves family, Reginald Hargreeves is truly the architect of his children's dysfunction. They all react to his neglect and abuse in their own way, but ironically the entire reason that the Umbrella Academy seems to repeatedly fail in it's sole mission is because of Reginald's single-minded focus on it. The Hargreeves children are doomed to destroy the world because all Reginald ever cared about was saving it.

Reginald is literally an alien, but the literal and metaphorical implications of a group of children who are raised in a world that separates them from their humanity is a rich textual and subtextual aspect of The Umbrella Academy.

Reginald himself is not a suitable parent to his children, but all of the outside influences that he allows on his children are literally not human either. Grace and Pogo provide some basic functional emotional satisfaction to the Hargreeves children, but they're still not people. They don't help the children to understand humanity or human existence any better, and they still serve to separate the Umbrella Academy from the very world that they're meant to protect.

On the whole, Reginald's abject failure as a parent, teacher, and creator is a fantastic allegory for the nature of generational trauma. Reginald is a failure as a parent for many reasons, but ultimately Reginald is a being who was extremely traumatized by the destruction of his own world, and as a parent, he passed that trauma down to his own children.

In that sense, the failure of The Umbrella Academy to live up to it's potential solely rests on the failings of Reginald himself.

#the umbrella academy #umbrella academy #tua #the umbrella academy meta #tua meta #luther hargreeves #diego hargreeves #allison hargreeves #klaus hargreeves #five hargreeves #ben hargreeves #vanya hargreeves #reginald hargreeves #tua spoilers #lordt just let this one work

[yicruz48]

Teen Titans Review: Annual #2 Part 2

August/26/2020

Part 1

This again pushes the narrative of Damian as the angry aggressor with no self-control nor a ability to be conscious of how his own actions hurt other people.

I am not denying that Damian hasn’t been extreme before or has a temper but if written correctly he would have enough awareness to feel guilt for what he did to Emiko and not act so aggressively towards Bruce.  

This is another section of the issue that I feel conflicted about how to feel about this for several reasons: 

-> The things Damian says in these panels aren’t all false : 

I wouldn’t be sincere in this review if I didn’t acknowledge the truth to Damian’s comparison. In the last two years real time the Wayne Manor has become a sort of coffin and tomb. A manor that only carries the echoes of those who used to live there. 

After a while, I could imagine it would be distressing to visit the Manor because it would remind them of the people who weren’t there anymore. 

-> I fear Anti’s will look at these panels and try to justify Damian as a bad person:

I asked my older brother (Who doesn’t know much about comics besides the bit I tell him) to read the interactions in this issue and give me his opinion on them. 

“To me it feels like the writer is trying to show Damian is conflicted and not in the right headspace therefore showing him erupting into a fight with Bruce violently but...I can definitely see how someone who doesn’t like Damian could turn this narrative against him.”  

And I agree with him. As much as dislike these direction in writing for Damian, I do see what Thompson was trying to do here (and since the beginning of the run). It hasn’t been executed well, but he has been trying to get the reader to sympathize with Damian (more than Glass that is). 

And I believe it is trying to show that Damian is at his wits end, not thinking right-well-I mean-Damian hasn’t been thinking right in TT since 2018, but I guess he’s really not in the right headspace. 

But I have the same fear that my brother mentioned, if you look at these same panels through the same lens of someone who doesn’t particularly like Damian you look at this and think is horrible. I can already imagine what they’d say:

“Look at how badly Damian treats his father!” 

Although your supposed to look at this as Damian having a outburst after keeping in it for so long and not being emotionally-neglected by his father.  

“Alfred’s death was hard for Bruce too, Damian needs to stop acting like he is the only one who is hurt.” 

Even though Bruce is an adult and Damian is a teen(a severely-damaged one at that) and you know...BRUCE DIDN’T COMFORT DAMIAN AFTER ALFRED DIED...

And this further expressed in Detective Comics where Damian causally mentions that he is surprised that his father contacted him. 

Like...um...Damian is a 13-year-old boy...are you really telling me Bruce hasn’t contacted his own underaged son especially after Alfred died? 

“Dick just got shot and lost his memories. He didn’t die. Why is he acting like he died?” 

I talk more about Damian’s and Dick’s relationship here. 

But to put it simply, Dick is one of the only people Damian trusts to be vulnerable with. Damian is extremely independent yet depends on him the most. This is expressed many times in the beginning of rebirth (specifically in the Nightwing and Batman comics). Losing that connection is extremely damaging to Damian.

Moving on, I actually appreciated this scene with Crush. I happy that she kept the group from intervening between Bruce and Damian. 

With the track record of how “great” the Teen Titans are at handling situations them getting in the middle of the fight would’ve made this worse. 

Plus I liked that she recognized that this was something personal. So far, I’ve felt like the majority of the Teen Titans have antagonized Damian and it felt refreshing to see Crush realize that Damian’s actions are more personal than they thought.  

But at the same time, I don’t know how to take this. I feel like they also wrote this in order prop her up to be the new leader in the next issues so at the same time it feels a little insincere.  

I already said this in part 1 of the review but I am grateful for the decency DC or Thompson had to give us some personal reasonings for his actions, but again, it doesn’t work as a good trigger nor does it hold the same hype it would’ve if written earlier when it happened, not months after it happened.

One of the only things about these panels that I have to say is  that I saw some people theorizing on twitter that perhaps Damian was expecting to be punished by his father because of how his other brothers have been treated by Bruce. But I really don’t know myself how to interpret it. 

Why is Damian questioning why Bruce isn’t fighting back? 

-> Was he expecting Bruce to punish him? 

-> Was Damian expecting  his father to challenge his new beliefs?

Because Bruce doesn’t really challenge Damian’s beliefs at the end, if anything, it seems like Bruce gives up trying to reason with Damian. 

Which is sad if you look back to this panel in Batman and Robin 2011:

Jumping back on track, and then we have this panel: 

Which is yet again another panel that I feel conflicted about. 

I guess it’s nice Bruce finally told his son that he loves him, but also it’s a little to late now. Bruce should’ve expressed compassion to Damian when he had the chance, and he had a lot chances to do this: 

-> On his 13th birthday.

-> By being more involved in his life. 

-> When Dick got shot to remind Damian he had someone there for him despite Dick not being there. 

-> When Alfred died in front of him. That was most likely traumatizing for him, would’ve been nice to have someone there to comfort him. 

I feel like I keep repeating myself, but again, this four pages are difficult to interpret. 

 “Everything...lead...to...THIS” 

-> I’m taking this as Damian concluding that being Robin (and everything that encompasses including the no killing rule) lead to him losing people he loved and eventually not being Robin.

“You will never truly see me so long as I am in your shadow.”

-> Damian thinking that Bruce won’t take him seriously if he is Robin? 

-> Thinking that Bruce won’t ever truly see who he really is if he is Robin?

“Now I am finally free.”

-> Damian implicating that being Robin was a burden and/or restricted him from doing what he thinks is “right?”  

As a Damian stan the last four pages were the most painful to read. Seeing Damian leave the Robin title frustrates me soo much. 

Conclusions and Predictions:

-> This issue was not as bad as I thought (but still bad): 

For one, I am glad Bruce didn’t beat up Damian. 

I am glad they had the decency to give Damian more personal reasons to go down this path even if it was late. 

-> (I’m gonna start talking about the art more in my reviews) 

Pansica is a very talented artist BUT I personally don’t think he was the best choice to draw a comic with teens. The adults in this issue were drawn great but I feel like drawing teens is not his strong point. 

There was points in this comics were Damian looked unpleasant and I think it was because Pansica tends to be very detailed although a lot detail does a disservice to drawing teens. As a artist myself, I lay off the details when drawing children since it often ages them more if you put more detail. 

Maiolo’s colors are good. I don’t know if it was a conscious decision or not but the dullness of the color really emphasizes the darker vibe of this issue. 

-> Thompson didn’t fail me this issue, he still manage to make me hate Roundhouse more than last issue :)

He also really pushed that unnecessary Emiko X Wallace ship in the middle of this issue. I think the bothers me about this relationship is that they gotten closer because of Damian killing. I really don’t vibe with that.

-> Bruce just suddenly offering a hug after giving Damian death stares at the beginning just confuses me. 

-> Teen Titan’s didn’t ever take Deathstroke go and basically let him go unless he’ll be appearing next issue. 

-> So far Damian sucks as being a villian/anti-hero, he failed both at killing KGBeast and Deathstroke. 

-> Hate that once again, most of the blame was thrown at Damian.

->To Damian, being Robin was the best thing to happen to him.  

It allowed him to see the mistakes in his past(that he was made to do) and work towards becoming a better person...in other words, it granted him an opportunity to redeem himself. 

Not only that, but it granted him the opportunity to honor the people who helped him become a better person (Dick and Bruce).

And even Damian felt like he needed to “prove” that he could be Robin because I think even Damian felt like he didn’t deserve it or wasn’t good enough. 

What this comic has done with him is atrocious and will always be no matter the outcome. 

I have a petition related to Damian here. I would appreciate it if you shared and signed. 

#Damian Wayne #Robin #Respect Robin #Save Damian Wayne #Batman #Bruce Wayne #anti bruce wayne #Deathstroke #Slade Wilson #Teen Titans #wallace west ii #Kid Flash #Emiko queen #red arrow #nightwing #dick grayson #crush #roundhouse #maya ducard #Alfred Pennyworth #dc comics #comics #yicruz48

[ultraglittercat]

Drabble 86

Blue Ribbon

Quirin set the table in anticipation of his son's return from the Exposition of Sciences. Part of him felt guilty for not being there to support Varian, but the boy knew Quirin's duties as villager leader came first. Varian had told him that his new invention needed two people to operate, and Quirin hoped Varian had found a willing partner to help him. He definitely wouldn't find one in Old Corona, where citizens who had always been somewhat leery of Varian's inventions, were still traumatized over the boiler incident. Quirin had kept the peace by forbidding Varian to work on the boilers any more, but he consented to allow Varian to work on other projects in his lab.

It was sometimes difficult to placate both the villagers and his son, but Quirin was confident that he had succeeded this time. And Ruddiger seemed to agree, the little raccoon having wandered into the house, enticed by the smell of dinner.

“I think I hear Varian coming now.” Quirin said.

Varian was walking along, singing. “I once knew a very fine lassie, who went by the name of Cassie, she was brave and tough, didn't take no guff, for she was really classy.” Varian sang.

“Well that's... probably a sign the expo went well.” Quirin decided. Ruddiger nodded.

“Hey, Dad! You'll never believe what amazing thing happened to me at the exposition!” Varian said in greeting.

“You won first prize?” Quirin guessed.

Varian snorted. “Not hardly! I got disqualified. The prize went to this girl, Fernanda Pizazzo who threw candy at the audience and didn't really offer any innovative development in science. Plus I think she had a thing for the judge, Dr. St Croix. Imagine, getting into science just to impress some boy!” Varian shook his head in dismissal.

“I'm very sorry, son. I know the expo meant a lot to you, you were getting ready for it for weeks. But if the judge isn't going to be fair, it's not worth your effort.” Quirin said.

“Yeah, I probably won't bother with it next year. I can just go over the castle like it's any other day, because Cassie and me, we're friends now! She even said she was impressed with me, after I finished her chores.” Varian gushed.

“You were doing her chores? Varian, you shouldn't have to act like a servant to gain someone's attention or approval.” Quirin cautioned.

“Oh I know. And she wasn't willing to help me with my elemental remogrifier, even though she said she would. But it's okay! She had a good reason for changing her mind! And even though my replacement assistant Shorty got me disqualified, Cassandra had no way of knowing that would happen without her help. She even apologized to me, and said nice things, and she saved me when Dr. St. Croix caused my machine to malfunction.” Varian babbled.

“You were in danger?!” Quirin exclaimed.

“Just for a little bit. Like I said, Cassie was there and she pushed me to safety! And when the machine created a vortex, she held onto me so I wouldn't get sucked in as we countered the wind generated and I was able to pull the hand brake and stop it.” Varian answered.

“It's good you were able to prevent a disaster, but maybe your next invention could be a little safer...?” Quirin said.

“Oh, it will be. And anyway, I didn't tell you the best part. Cassie found the ribbon on the ground, and she said it was meant for me and pinned it to my shirt! I- I've never felt so special in all my life. I'm gonna keep it forever.” Varian decided.

“That's very good, Varian. I'm glad you had a nice day after all and that you made a friend.” Quirin told him. “Now sit down and have some of this roast chicken and apple pie I made.”

“Yeah, okay. You always make great dinners, Dad. I'm glad that we get to eat together at the end of the day.” Varian said. “And Ruddiger, you can have some of the pie, buddy.”

Ruddiger licked his lips in anticipation and Quirin smiled. It was nice to be able to have a family meal with his intelligent and inventive son. Cassandra wasn't the only one who thought Varian was special.

The End

I wonder how many times Varian and Quirin have dinner together while Varian casually tells him how he almost died during the day! He's a little reckless, he is.

#tangled the series #tts #tts varian #tangled varian #varian #tts quirin #tangled quirin #quirin #tts ruddiger #tangled ruddiger #ruddiger #tts cassandra #tangled cassandra #cassandra #quirin knows varian's crush is hopeless #fanfiction #fanfic #my fiction

[obeymematches]

Hi! I hope you don’t mind if I ask for a matchup. Just don’t push yourself, okay? You seem to have a lot to handle. I’ll try not to overload you with too much, but I apologize ahead of time if I write a whole book or get too personal. I just wanted to make sure I added a good chunk for a good comparison! I’ll try not to get too into it, though. Sorry again if I put too much!

Basics : I’m a 5’6, 19 y/o, chubby/curvy female who is a bit of an anti-social shut-in. I come across as very shy, quiet to the point of how I usually never say a word otherwise unless I’m asked a question, though can also be seen as ‘lazy’ and someone who is too addicted to technology. I’m also rarely affectionate, though not against being given affection as long as I’m asked. I’m not a touchy feely person.

Layer 1 (Flaws, problems, etc) : My behavior stems from social anxiety and from bullying experiences that have traumatized me growing up, as I had to deal with it up until maybe a year ago. Some of it was from my own family, and some from the school. I ended up with a fear of expressing myself to strangers, especially around boys. I found my way of coping was to dive into video games and anime, alongside art. Outside of this, I’m a mess. I usually suffer from many health problems (that I don’t feel comfortable sharing, but can mention it makes my efforts to find a way to get comfortable in my body with a new Workout routine very difficult) due to my body being extremely weak. It has been ever since conditions related to my birth, and my medications Needed to keep me around cause me to be big boned. I’m physically strong enough to fight for myself if I needed to, but when it comes to illness and the like, I’m the loser here. I also have a hard time keeping eye contact. I also tend to apologize a lot for everything. I can’t handle crowds, or I’ll likely pass out after a while. My body is hard to take care of despite my best efforts. However, I do have sensitive ears and tend to be jumpy when someone raises their voice. It’s not too difficult to scare me, which in the past is what usually managed to convince me to go along with things like the bullying. To this day I still can’t handle being yelled at, since I also tend to yell at myself later for messing up for whatever caused someone to yell at me. I’m extremely hard on myself. I also tend to take things to heart. My ‘laziness’ also is because I have my own fight with depression to deal with that adds a factor into this too. Consider it a double edged sword, but despite that I tend to destroy myself trying to put others first before me.

Layer 2 (Opening up) : if I do open up to someone, I’m more prone to have my ‘quirks’ show, such as bouncing in place when I’m excited. I occasionally ramble about my interests (and apologize after). I may not be the best at showing how I care, but I try to do the best I can with what little skills I have. But I do become a bit more social with a person the more I know them. However, it doesn’t change that one might have to message/approach me first, since at times it takes me ages to send a message for fear I’m bothering someone. I’ll be more willing to head out with someone if I’m closer to them, though I’m still insecure about my appearance.

Layer 3 (Pro’s?) : I’m not against trying new things, within reason. I’m not difficult to please. I would be fine sitting in a room watching critical role for the next 10 hours with someone just being quiet and consider that a bonding moment. I don’t mind over the top, but I don’t usually favor it due to my insecurities telling me that this wasn’t deserved. (Not that it isn’t appreciated, but it’s hard to fight ones inner demons, ya know what I mean?) From what my few friends say, however, they would trust me to be a leader to my friend group should the need arise, and I’m usually serious, mature, calm and collected. That doesn’t mean I don’t have my own sense of humor (usually dark humor, with the occasional laugh from a joke I didn’t expect to hear). Due to a bit of my background, I know a lot on self defense due to being in a former military family (All retired) who thought I should know how to fight due to how the world can be. This is also why I’m usually trusted to make decisions for my friend group, even if it’s in games where survival is key. I’m usually the last one standing, while being cautious enough. I also can be a hard worker when I can put my mind to it- reading a whole manga series in one day or finishing an anime? Finishing art? You name it. Though a double edged sword trait I know I have (Since it can be both a blessing and a curse) is my perfectionism. Everything has to be perfect. The decorations? Yes. Everything has to match? Yes. I have to make the most detailed building in Minecraft? On it. My fashion sense also plays a part in this too, as I try to make it work with my task too. (I can tend to overdo it and sometimes don’t give myself breaks when I’m in this mood though.) I’m usually good on saving money, and I try to see the best in people despite my experiences. I’m not easily persuaded by looks, as I usually don’t care for them much. I am a creative person as someone who strives to be good at art, but also as someone related to a medic, I also have been learning what to do when the need arises for someone to need a medic. I can be motherly at points, considering some of my other friends to be like my kids. I fret over them constantly. There are times where the tables end up turned. I love acquiring new knowledge that’s something I’m not used to. Oh, you’re a witch? Cool I’m a (religion I’m not sharing due to it being a touchy subject to most). Can you tell me all about it? I’m really curious.

Layer 4 (Hobbies and everything else?) : I do like swimming, drawing, creating characters for my own stories (as a dungeon master in dnd), reading (mostly manga), collecting gemstones and anime merch, playing video games, and cooking on occasion. I also love my pets (currently a rabbit and a puppy) and enjoy cuddling with them. Despite finding cats to be cute, I happen to be allergic to them (as in my skin will break out mostly- it’s not severe but annoying nonetheless). I also have a fear of bugs. Despite only losing myself maybe 3 times in my whole life, I do have a nasty temper if someone gets on my nerves too much. I usually end up punished for it, hence my bottling up of emotions. So otherwise, it’s hard to get me truly angry to the point of where I’m raising my voice unless someone crosses a line. I’m slowly learning to speak up for myself more.

Alright, that’s the end! Again, I’m so sorry if this is too much information! I have never done one of these before. ^w^’

------

Hi!!!!

I put a keep reading button because it’s a long text and sometimes it gets very personal, so yeah

Sorry for the wait, and I hope you like the result!

Tbh I was thinking and I had several ideas while reading it, for example I can see you with Levi and maybe Belphie. I decided to go with Levi. Your sense of humour is a good match with Belphie but he can be so sassy and can have such an attitude that I think Levi works better, as you said you tend to take things to heart. I know you said it’s hard to actually upset you but I think Levi occassionally calling you a normie is so much less stressing than Belphie and I think you really deserve someone who doesn’t give you a hard time. (No offense to Belphie hes cool and as a friends thats alright but yeah)

So I think Levi is good with someone who’s not too affectionate, like he can get so flustered, it’s easier for him with someone like you!

He also has a quite severe social anxiety so he really gets you when you say you’d rather stay at home than go to a convention or party.

My hyphothesis is that he has online classes because of that. Like I don’t think he was bullied, he really just can’t stand being around people that much

He is also accepted in his family, like everybody is chill with him being an otaku. (I guess sometimes he gets teased but it’s mostly just him talking down on himself) So the point is that at home he can be himself! I think he would reassure you that liking what you like is totally fine.

At first he will 100% call you a normie until you prove yourself otherwise but that shouldn’t really be an issue - especially if you open up to him about it. I think he is the best candidate to understand your feelings. Not just “oh that sucks babe, iloveyou” but like really get you, you know what I mean. Even if he is not always great at expressing himself, you’d just know he means well.

I think he would also accept you the way you are. Of course your well-being is going to concern him sometimes but he knows you can take care of yourelf. Although if you need help he will do whatever you need. He can be pretty determined when it comes to something/someone he loves

I think he would be very surprised by the fact that you are physically strong in a good way! Like wow babe you can really do that...🥺

He would definitely see a part of himself in you and he would make sure to remind you that you don’t have to apologize for everything you do. Even if he does so himself, that doesn’t mean that you have to be insecure like him! 😠

He’s not really the one to shout at you since you can probably accept him, and he can accept you even if at first he thinks you a boring normie

I think after you two actually spend time together and open up and really get to know the other he will see that you are soo hard on yourself because of your past and he will definitely try his best to cheer you up and have you loosen a bit.

Or if you’re not into that then he can just listen. If you don’t want to talk he can play multiplayer games with you or watch anime, etc, anything to make you feel better!!!!

I think he is also more likely to get into DnD than Belphie, thats also a reason why I decided that Levi is better. I’m personally not into it so I don’t know for sure but if you have an anime/Japan related game/story then you don’t have to say no more, he’s in a 100%!!!

After that he will probably try like...less otaku-friendly DnD games/stories! Just be patient with him. He will learn all the rules and read all the books to a T but actually speaking in front of a group of people he doesn’t know won’t be so easy!!!! 🥺  

After that he will probably convince his brothers to play too and now you have DnD night with the bros, yay! (i let you imagine how the details go!!)

I think he would approach you first with his anime-related topics and I think you could probably answer him! And that would be the beginning of a beautiful friendship!

He can also ramble about the things he likes and he would make sure that after a while you don’t apologize for talking about things you like! He probably likes something similar too, so he could suggest some things!

He said he prefers someone who he can be in the same room with and not really interact that much actually? so like you watching critical role while he watches anime is a good way to spend time!! stay at home dates are dates too!

Hmmmm i think he would definitely like to play a survival multiplayer with you, so be prepared!!!!!!

Hm I think he would take your fashion related suggestions for him, even if he himself isn’t a perfectionist. But I mean if you look at his room he is pretty organized and not too messy, so that’s a bonus I think.

I think he is a good match because you can balance out his reckless money spending tendencies! Not sure if it’s possible to change that completely about him, but at least one of you is responsible with money, so thats a good enough!

Hm I think he could talk a lot about being a demon with you, so thats really nice that you’re interested in his culture! I don’t think he has ever considered that as anything special, but now is the time!

It’s good that you can’t have a kitty because he has a fish and that wouldn’t really be a good combination now, would it?

I think he relly appreciated a responsible and caring partner like you, because he really needs all the extra care he can get to boost his confidence! He is usually rather child-like, so that is also probably a bonus!

Conclusion; definitely he is the one to initiate first interaction, but it’s probably just looking at the other for a while until he gains enough confidence to actually talk to you. This is a very accepting relationship with lots of caring and confidence boosting involved on both sides! Theres also this deeper understanding due to insecurities and social anxiety. I think after a couple years in the relationship both of you change in a good way as you are very mindful of the other’s insecurities. Definitely not a lot of arguing going on, he is a very loyal and caring partner once you earn his trust, so zero lines crossed! Dates are mostly at home, but thats cool! You are the more responsible one while he can be kind of reckless with his impulses, but that just leads to a good balance and he knows he should respect your advice regarding impule buyig stuff for example.

#om! #obey me #obey me! #obey me shall we date #obey me matchup #swd obey me #obey me swd #obey me levi #levi obey me #om levi #levi om #leviathan obey me #obey me leviathan #submission

[vannderlinde]

Asunder:

..."to break apart or in two" or "to become parted or severed”...as in "a family torn asunder by tragedy…." 

Rating: M Ships: Dutch/Annabelle Word Count: 4,601 Keywords: Dutch Van Der Linde, Arthur Morgan, Annabelle, Micah Bell, Traumatic Brain Injury, Hallucinations Warnings: Major RDR 2 spoilers, Potentially mild to moderate references to mental health symptoms (TBI, panic attacks, hallucinations, disorientation, anxiety), heavy references to Arthur’s death.

Preface: Dutch flees after the events of “Red Dead Redemption,” otherwise known as the last mission for players in RDR 2. The gang was in shambles, scattered, and divided. Beaver Hollow was flooded with Pinkertons and traitors. Fear took residence in the Van Der Linde gang. Sides were chosen and threats were followed through. The once favored son, Arthur Morgan, fallen. His last moments spent seeking any comfort he could from his father figure. He was denied. Any hope was ripped from him as Dutch turned his back. Arthur’s final moments were lonely, hollow, and full of fear and pain. This fic begins directly after Dutch leaves Arthur and Micah on the cliff side. Dutch loses himself.

:You’re being a coward: :Only fearing your changed mind: :Where the hell did your spine go?:

What the hell just happened? Dutch’s head throbbed as his mind threatened to give up entirely. He slumped over the front of his horse as he was carried away from Beaver Hollow. The usually powerful and radiant man was broken, utterly shattered. He gave no feedback to his Arabian as they cantered in a seemingly unspecified direction with the one goal of creating distance between them and the gunshots that echoed in the woods surrounding the camp. He trusted The Count to get them to safety; but even if he didn’t, he lacked any strength that permitted him to care. The night was foggy and turning darker with each passing hoof beat.

As he rode, Dutch recounted the events leading up to now. An unwelcome awareness crept in and his own morality became painfully apparent. The once-worshiped gang leader was done, he was nothing. He lost. The events of this horrific day sealed everyone’s fate. All of those lives that he held in his hands, those who trusted in him, he had inadvertently murdered. It all felt so final.

Dutch’s mind drifted to the cliff side, he saw Arthur’s eyes plainly as if they were directly in front of him, instead of just a memory. Fear and terror were carved into his son’s stare. It was a look Dutch had never seen from Arthur, and that made him shiver. His beloved Arthur pleaded in sheer desperation for his help, yet Dutch turned his back. In that very moment, Dutch had realized Arthur had not been unfaithful. Arthur had been wrongly labeled as a traitor. His heart sunk, and he was paralyzed with dismay. Dutch shifted his gaze to Micah, but didn’t feel rage. Micah, who mere seconds ago had beaten Arthur to an inch of life. He felt absolutely nothing towards Micah. Dutch didn’t know what to think, or how to act. So he left.

And this vividly horrifying memory- could he, in fact, trust it? Dutch wasn’t sure if all of this even happened, or was he just living stuck in a nightmare? Was he even alive? He couldn’t trust his own mind to be honest with him.

Was Arthur alive? Micah? Molly? ...Annabelle? Who was left? He forced the thoughts to vacate his mind. He could only manage to process details of his current environment: 1) the wonderfully painful stars that filled the sky; 2) The Count’s gentle, but noticeably labored breaths;  3) the smell of gunpowder which still lingered thickly in the air. Time blended, and his timelines were unlinear as he tried to sift through events of the last moments, months...years. Dutch struggled, as the confusion engulfed him entirely. It was as if he was headed directly into a pure, black void. He was so ready to give up and let the night dissolve him if it was willed so.

Coward….Coward….Weak… Fool. His mind cursed him. Dutch’s heartbeat felt erratic, his vision blurred, his head felt completely foreign to him. He tore unsuccessfully at his scarf which covered his face. His actions were desperate, as if the scarf was preventing him to breath. A panic ensued which he could not control. Dutch had only felt loss of control a few times in his life- losing Annabelle, Colm abducting Arthur,  and Guarma, of course. However, over the last month or so, control seemed to be slipping away from him in other ways. He was a proud and persistent man, who needed and demanded control. But, in this moment, he was dust, he had no substance whatsoever-- Spineless.

Over the last few months, he began experiencing symptoms. At first, they were so subtle Dutch had no awareness of them at all: twitches, headaches, and fatigue. All of which, he concluded it was from the stress of running the gang. He could tell, however, the gang members were treating him differently. Feeling slightly vulnerable, this only worsened his anger he already felt over the entire situation. His first recollection of any true symptoms were a few days after the trolley station job in Saint Denis. It all started with his vision- he saw specks and streaks of light which floated softly in his field of vision. While it was noticeable, he could mostly ignore it. Occasionally, he would wake up from sleep to not be able to see anything at all. His vision would return moments later, but it was upsetting.

Next, came the irritability, which was less perceptible to him, but the others surely felt it. He had always been brutal, the life he led required it of him. This type of rage induced violence was different. John saw it when he drowned Bronte, Arthur saw it when he strangled the old woman in Guarma, and Dutch saw it when he nearly killed Molly. He was thankful that Susan stepped in, but he knew he would’ve just as easily pulled the trigger himself. This was not him, it definitely didn’t feel like him. It was like stranger took hold if him and he acted as they willed. The anger that filled him was unpredictable and impossible to dampen once flared. The stares from members around the camp and the doubt they obviously all shared weighed on him. He wouldn’t sleep anymore. If he did sleep, it was not restful, he was perpetually tense. Dutch began lashing out in unpredictable ways, it sometimes even scared him. One time, he even berated poor Tilly, the reason behind it he couldn’t quite recall. After some delay, Dutch snapped out of it and noticed her well up with tears. He dropped to his knees and begged for her forgiveness. Dutch was completely unhinged and he didn’t know why.

That is where Micah came in. At Dutch’s peak moments of confusion, he was there when Arthur wasn’t. Micah always had faith. Once his confusion and gaps in his memory became too great, the gang leader heavily relied on Micah’s consult. Micah would sit with him, and would listen to Dutch in an non-judgmental way. While following Micah’s advice didn’t always go well, it wasn’t about that. Dutch was losing himself, his ability to make reasonable and practical choices for the gang. He was afraid of appearing unfit to the other gang members. It terrified him as he was learning to live with his changing mind. Dutch was vulnerable, he sensed that Arthur and John knew this. Micah had helped Dutch when he was forgetful or had slipping thoughts. In a way, Micah was how Dutch was able to keep the facade for so long. He owed a lot to Micah for that reason. At this point, he could not even comprehend the possibility that Micah would betray him. The clarity and directness of Arthur’s words indicated that it was not a lie. Deep down, he knew that Arthur would not have fed him false information, it was not his way. It was something, though, that Dutch could not accept. Did he want Arthur to die? No. Dutch knew, however painfully evident, that leaving Arthur, was contracting his death. He left his son’s life in the hands of Micah.

Overwhelmed, Dutch abandoned the thought completely.

How did it come to this? The abrupt stop of the horse caused Dutch to snap out of his head and focus on the present. Where was he? It was still night, but he could make out that a town was out in front of him. A big town- could it be Saint Denis? He had no clue that he had been riding for that long, it had only felt like minutes. Dutch realized that he must’ve passed out at some point. He pushed himself upright into the saddle, and looked behind him. For a brief moment, panic took hold again that urged him to run back and find Arthur. He shuddered at the thought of what he would find if he did return. Still the urge remained, even with Dutch’s attempts to shove it aside. He inhaled sharply, trying to recollect himself. He was tired. Being alone like this was foreign to him, as he never went anywhere by himself. Nearly his whole life, Dutch was surrounded by people. The loss of his family was heavy, sucking the little life he had left. Not only was being alone emotionally difficult, it also made him feel incredibly exposed and defenseless. Without someone to cover him, he was at risk for an attack. At this point, even Molly would be a welcomed companion, despite the fact that she made his life hell.

He slid into Saint Denis unnoticed. Dutch knew the particular locations where he would likely run into law, and avoided them. The Count moved swiftly, but not at a desperate pace. After rounding a corner, he dismounted and hitched the Arabian a few blocks away from his destination. The streets were unusually quiet, Saint Denis was a bustling town, even at night. But, the silence of this hour was ghostly. Crouched, he navigated to the saloon. He wasn’t entirely sure if this was the best idea. Surely his face was plastered everywhere by now, and he knew it was possible that someone would notice an outlaw in their midst. At this moment, he couldn’t care at all. He entered the saloon and sat at the bar. With a stern glare, the bartender approached and poured him a drink. Dutch grunted thankfully, and also indicated he’d like to rent a room. The bartender put his palm out, asking for payment.

Dutch’s expression darkened, “I’m good for it,” he snapped sharply. The bartender backed off. The former-gang leader let his head drop into his hands as his elbows rested on the bar. Fatigue was causing him to shake slightly. He knew he needed to sleep, but sleep wouldn’t be easily accomplished. Dutch sat at the bar, unable to move for about an hour, possibly longer. His mind moved from one gang member to another and then repeated. Dutch would get hung up on Arthur every time his mind cycled through the list.

In a gentle, but startling way a presence appeared behind, placing their hands on either of his shoulders. He jumped, turning around to see a distantly familiar face. He paused a moment, unable to form words.

He finally opened his lips, but all he could get out was: “Annie…?” His voice was surprisingly soft with a slight crack. Eagerly, he stood up, reaching his arms out to her. Annabelle embraced him, and stroked his hair.

“You fool!” She cooed, “Why did you come here? They’re looking for you.” Her tone, while calm, was off-putting to Dutch.

He drifted from her touch, and stared into her eyes, “I missed you so much, darling…” A sense of peace came over him. In his confusion, he never once questioned her presence. She was as real to him as the bartender was real. No questions, no doubt. This figure in front of him was Annabelle. Annabelle smiled at him in a way that was only saved for Dutch. Dutch absolutely melted in response. He reached out to touch her, but stopped halfway before his hand dropped. Annabelle pulled Dutch into a deep hug. Dutch rested his head on her shoulder, still reeling from the day’s events.

“What have I done, Annabelle?” Dutch’s words sounded weak, almost childlike. He felt so small, so hopeless. A few moments had passed, with the two lingering in each other’s embrace. After a time, Annabelle wordlessly led Dutch upstairs to their room. Dutch reclined on the bed, exhaustion overtaking his entire body. Annabelle laid down next to him, resting her head on his chest. Everything about her presence brought healing. Peace washed over his very troubled soul. Ever so gently, Dutch caressed her head and hair, weaving his fingers through each strand just like he used to. His fingers carefully danced around her frame. His movements were slow, making sure to take in as much of her features as he could. His eyes closed, and if only for a moment, he forgot what had happened. He was at home with the gang and Annabelle, the disasters of the last few months were erased. This was short lived when Annabelle broke the silence, “How’s the gang, Dutch?” She inquired solemnly. He said nothing, finding the words were not coming easy.

“Hosea?” She asked. Dutch shook his head with a painfully blank stare. “Oh I see…” Annabelle dropped her voice off, “Well, Arthur, then?”

Dutch looked down at her, “They’re all gone, I failed, Annabelle.” Tears began to fill his eyes, distorting his vision. He could not control his feelings of hopelessness anymore.

Annabelle hugged him tighter, “Shhh...rest now, Dutch.” In response, Dutch buried his head into her wild hair, and sobbed very softly. He drifted off to sleep, while sorrow ate away at his heart. Having Annabelle here meant everything. Her touch, her voice, was just as he remembered. She was never really gone, he figured. She had always been there.

“Wake up, Dutch, they’re here!” Annabelle boomed in an unfittingly calm tone. Dutch awoke, with the sun piercing his eyes as he opened them. He had no idea how long he had been asleep for, causing him to be very disoriented. Annabelle stood by the window, peering outside at the street below. He quickly got up, looking out the window over her shoulder. Right outside the saloon were the Pinkertons. They were here for him. His heartbeat quickened as he scrambled to gather his few possessions. Dutch stumbled, barely managing to catch himself as he fell to the floor. He was in no condition to be on the run, let alone fight the Pinkertons.

“What do I do, Annabelle?” Dutch pleaded, becoming desperate. He always had a plan, he always knew exactly what to do, but this time he was unprepared. It was so apparent to him that he was coming completely unravelled, and this realization scared him more than the Pinkertons did.

Annabelle nodded, “We escape, Dutch, that’s what we have to do,” she grabbed his hand, pulling him towards the back of the saloon. They were on the second level of the building, so somehow they would have to make it down without being noticed. Annabelle led Dutch to a door leading out the back balcony. Only one Pinkerton was stationed around this side of the building. Dutch pulled out his pistol and aimed it at the man’s head. Within an instant, the Pinkerton dropped from his horse. Dutch had to kill him, but he knew that it also meant more detectives would be attracted to the gunshot sound. Quickly, Dutch and Annabelle climbed down the ladder that led to an alleyway. Before too long, Pinkertons filled the alleyway from both sides, blocking their escape route completely. All guns were aimed on Dutch. Moving quickly, Dutch shot two or three of them easily, even despite his weakened state. An opening appeared and Annabelle slipped through, throwing herself onto a horse.

“Come with me Dutch!” She called to him.

Dutch started running towards her, desperate to survive. He made eye contact with her just before his vision went completely dark.

“Annie!” he screamed.

Without warning, intense pain that started in his skull, flew through his body causing him to drop to the ground. He cried out in utter terror, a truly awful sound poured from his lips. As he struggled to get up, one of the Pinkertons took the opportunity and took aim. The bullet was targeted strategically to be nonfatal. They were meaning to capture him. Pain overtook him, and he collapsed fully. Hot blood seeped from where the bullet hit his shoulder. Dutch grasped desperately at his shoulder, writhing on the ground. The pain was burning, and he lost all control of his senses. Was this it? He wondered. If it was, at least he would be with Arthur again. The former gang leader lost consciousness, the last thing he saw was the Pinkerton detectives surrounding him from all sides with greedy expressions. They came for him like hungry wolves gathering around a fallen animal.

-There is nothing you keep, there is only a reflection-

He dreamed of Annabelle, Arthur, and Hosea. Blissfully unaware of the outside world, he blocked any recollection of what was happening to him. His body was not his own. Dutch was so withdrawn into himself, most would assume he was already dead. He wished he was. Dutch had always been a survivor, but now he viewed that as a curse upon him. In his dreams, the tension, the heartache, the weight on his soul had dissipated. Holding Annabelle and laughing with Arthur and Hosea was all that mattered to him. His dream felt real, although it was smeared with a lingering sorrow. He was unaware of just how much time had passed. Dutch tried to cling to the dream as best he could, but it was no use. Slowly, he saw the expressions and features of those he loved fade away and replaced with the view of bars of the prison transport wagon. He felt ice cold in the face of his new reality.

It took him several minutes to fully take in his new surroundings. Dutch didn’t quite know where he was, but he did know that he was being transported somewhere. He looked around, past the bars on the wagon. The Pinkertons had pulled out all the stops for him. He counted at least twelve armed guards, possibly more. In a way, he was flattered that they recruited all of these gunmen just for him. The thought made him smirk. What he couldn’t understand was why they captured him, and didn’t just kill him on the spot. That did not add up, whatsoever. Dutch slowly sat up, the unsteadiness of the wagon making it more difficult on him. His shoulder screamed in pain whenever he moved. Dutch figured the bullet was still embedded. He’d had a bullet wound before, but this one was felt much worse than he remembered. Dutch couldn’t help but admit to himself that he deserved it. He deserved all of it and more. The cart ran over a large rock, causing Dutch to completely lose his balance. He grasped at the bars to steady himself. He winced, and inhaled sharply as his shoulder responded to the jolt. Once composed, he looked down at his feet. Shackles adorned his ankles, with a chain that was attached to the cart itself. Instinctually, Dutch sought an escape. He ran the chain through his fingers looking for any weak points. Similarly, he searched the prison wagon’s door for any flaws. Any attempt proved fairly useless, of course.

The sky was turning dark at this point. The caravan of Pinkertons pulled off the road for the evening. The guards aligned themselves, fully surrounding the wagon, but faced outwards. Dutch sat and watched them all. It was much more official than he experienced with the local lawmen. He knew that the Pinkertons would do anything to see him “delivered” without incident. Little did they know that no one would be coming to his rescue. “Fools…” He muttered under his breath, menacingly.

Dutch spat, “All of this for me, gentlemen? A little excessive, no?” His voice cracked, before he chuckled quietly to himself, thinking he was awfully clever.

“Just shut up!” One of the drivers replied. Dutch reclined, making sure his shoulder wasn’t touching anything in fear of angering his bullet wound. He watched the men shuffle around. Some of them seemed genuinely proud of themselves for capturing such a legend; while others were on edge, obviously anticipating an attack.

Just as he was closing his eyes to sleep, a Pinkerton came over to the door of the wagon. The man slammed a heavy fist into the metal, intending to wake him up.

“Oh my god! What could you possibly need?” His voice boomed and echoed throughout the Pinkerton’s camp. The former gang leader shifted upright, in an uncomfortable fashion. He glared at the man standing on the other side of the bars. Was he asking to be strangled? Dutch thought to himself.

The man opened his mouth to speak, “You’re gonna hang for all you did, Mr. Van Der Linde!”

Dutch rolled his eyes, “No shit!” He shot back wickedly. His voice was increasing in volume, “I believed you lot were slightly intelligent, I now realize that you’re a bunch of pathetic FOOLS!”

The rot that he was feeling inside was not outwardly shown, but the fatigue he felt weighed him down. Dutch dropped backwards, completely ignoring the Pinkerton that provoked him. Before too long he was asleep.

Dutch awoke with a slight startle. As he pulled himself up, he caught sight of her. Annabelle was here, with only metal bars separating them. Too quickly, for it aggravated his wound, Dutch stood up.

“Annabelle- you came for me?” He asked, slightly dazed. She did not speak, but nodded soothingly. Dutch watched her in anticipation. Strangely she did not seem worried or panicked about Dutch’s condition.

“You need to get me out of here, Annie.” He spoke very softly, but his desperation was recognizable in his words.

“I can’t do that, Dutch…” Annabelle’s gentle voice washed over him.  Her tone turned dark, “You are not the man I thought you were…” With those words lingering painfully, Annabelle turned her back and walked away, disappearing in mist. Dutch wanted to call out to her, call her back to him, but before he could she was gone. In a mixture of confusion and terror, and his body failing him, Dutch passed out.

This was becoming a pattern. Hours later Dutch woke up with the sun high in the sky, stinging his eyes as he forced them to open. The rocking of the prison cart was the first thing that caught his attention. He was still being transported, but he recognized the area. It looked like they were headed to Blackwater. Perfect.

Dutch’s thought was interrupted by an explosion in front of the caravan. The eruption was strategic, targeting only the riders in front of the wagon, but not the wagon itself.  In the moment, the only thing Dutch saw dismembered limbs and bodies fly in the air from the men unfortunate enough to be directly underneath the blast. In the next instant the entire prison wagon was flipped. The explosion had caused the horses leading the wagon to spook, and as they bolted in opposite directions, the wagon capsized. Dutch was able to act quick enough to land on his arms rather than directly on his neck. The impact though, had done enough. Dutch doubled over in pain, and didn’t move for several moments, trying to regain himself. He was shaking quite violently. All he could hear was a mixture of screams and gunshots. Dutch looked to his left, to see that one of the drivers had managed to get himself pinned between the wagon and the ground. The upper half of his body stuck out, and he was shrieking. It was horrible. Disoriented, Dutch pulled himself up, stumbling a bit as he stood. He inhaled sharply as the pain from his shoulder returned with a vengeance. He cradled his arm, and bit his lip to keep from crying out. It was several seconds before he realized what was actually happening. Someone was busting him out.

The gunshots ceased nearly as fast as they began. Dutch scanned the environment for any signs of his rescuer. As he did, he noticed the Pinkerton bodies that littered the road, each with perfectly placed bullets embedded in their foreheads. That is when he realized who came to free him- Micah. Micah was the only one he knew of with that kind of skill with a gun. This realization shook Dutch to his core. He did not want to see Micah. At least, he didn’t want to right now. Dutch wasn’t sure what to think, but his heart was with Arthur. Micah was extremely unwelcome in this equation. Before too long, Micah made himself visible. He slinked over to the prison wagon. Dutch eyed him, with no expression on his face. Micah surely expected gratitude, but Dutch would not oblige him that luxury.

“Hello there, boss.” Micah said slyly. Dutch remained silent. “Did you have some fun with those Pinkertons?” Micah laughed, getting to work on the lock on the prison wagon. Before too long, the lock fell, and Micah opened the door providing Dutch his freedom. It was only then that Dutch spoke, his voice was unexpectedly chilling.

“Why did you come, Micah?” There was an undeniable sting to his words.

Micah nervously laughed it off, “You’re welcome.”

Dutch stepped out, but that was all. They both looked down at Dutch’s chains that laced his ankles. Micah bent down to pick the lock. In a seamless motion Dutch reached for Micah’s gun and pointed at him. With crazed eyes and shaky hands he stared down at Micah. Micah in response shifted backwards onto the ground, and slowly put his hands up. The shock was not hidden from either of their faces. Micah however could tell that Dutch was meaning to kill. He had seen this look from Dutch before.

“Dutch….?” Micah quivered.

“Be quiet!” Dutch yelled, moving closer to him, “Don’t even think about reaching for your other gun.” Dutch wasn’t quite sure what he was doing, but he was filled with pain which manifested as absolute rage. He pushed the gun’s muzzle onto Micah’s forehead. Micah felt panicked, trying to come up with the words that would get him out of this. The gun rested against Micah for a few silent, tense moments.

Without warning Dutch screamed, “Did you kill him?” His voice sounded desperate. Micah had heard this voice before, but only when the gang leader was unraveling.

“I want to help you, Dutch!” Micah rasped, trying to appeal to the crazed man in front of him.

“Answer me!” Dutch bellowed in pure agony, his voice cracking as words left his lips.  He didn’t even care if he was clearly showing his weakness. “Did you kill him?” His voice was louder this time. Dutch rested his finger on the trigger, ready to shoot him at any moment.

“You did.” Micah shot back, sinisterly, aiming to do harm. Dutch’s pause following those words was surprising to Micah. Dutch’s knees went weak, and he lost his balance slightly. While the gun was still aimed at Micah, it was clear the words took their toll.

Micah opened his mouth to speak again, “You need me. I will help you.” Micah’s tone was soft, trying to appeal to Dutch. He slowly stood up off of the ground, trading places with Dutch as the man sunk to the grass below. Dutch was paralyzed, what had come over him? The gun lowered off of his target, and fell to his knees. The once stoic and proud man was broken.

“It’s okay, boss. We’ve got a spot, it’s safe.” Micah went over to Dutch and retrieved his gun. He slowly bent over to steady Dutch, and helped him to his feet. Dutch began to cry openly, his cries did not sound like sadness, but of actual pain.

Dutch didn’t know what the future held, but his current path was not his choice. He followed Micah to the horses, and rode off for his new reality. He clung to the memories of Arthur, Annabelle, and everyone else who he lost and loved. He was not the same man he was a week ago, and he doubted he’d ever be fully intact again.

“I don’t want to waste away It was all I gave to you Take me back and take my place I will rise right up for you”

All the while you waste away, you’re asking “Did I really need another one to take me down?”

#Red Dead Redemption #red dead redemption 2 #rdr2 #rdr2 spoilers #rdr #Dutch Van Der Linde #dutch x annabelle #dutch van der linde gang #arthur morgan #Micah Bell

[featherquillpen]

Marco/Jake/Cassie in Dæmorphing

Now that Marco/Jake/Cassie is official Dæmorphing canon, I wanted to take a moment to help out the folks who had trouble picking up on the subtext for the ship I’d built up over the series. If you felt blindsided by the ship in “Destroyer of Worlds,” or you’re just curious about how I went about slow burning it for so long, this masterpost is for you.

Origins

I originally intended Dæmorphing to be completely gen, without even the canon ships. I just wasn’t interested in it. But Bridge to the Stars threw me off the rails. You can keep your pining and your soulmate AUs, because I discovered over the course of this fic that my favorite shipping tropes are people infesting each other, and leaders abdicating leadership to their trusted lieutenants. So I started out writing Bridge to the Stars sticking to my guns about no ships at all in Dæmorphing, and by the end of writing it I was shipping Rachel/Tobias and Marco/Jake/Cassie desperately. These parts are not intentional subtext, but rather the passages where I accidentally convinced myself that this ship would be perfect.

Bridge to the Stars, chapter 3:

So I did something I wasn’t sure would work. I relaxed a part of my brain, the part that felt thankful to Marco for saving us all from the inside of my own head. It must have worked, because Marco showed me something too: amazement that I’d let him take over my body, even for just a second – and thanks.

Bridge to the Stars, chapter 6:

“Cassie,” he said hoarsely. He looked up at me with bleary eyes. “While I’m sick, you’re in charge of this mission.”

My mouth went dry. “Me? Why me?”

“Normally I’d pick Rachel or Marco,” Jake said. “But they’re not the right ones for this mission. They don’t understand Yeerks the way you do. They’re too suspicious of Yeerks, even dedicated Peace Movement Yeerks. You should listen to them when they get suspicious. They notice important things. But right now we need trust more than we need fear.”

Merlyse looked at me with big dark eyes, then up at Quincy on her antler. “Take care of them for me, will you?”

Quincy nodded. I had a sudden, wild impulse to kiss Jake. But that would only get me sick too.

Building up Jake/Marco

Once I decided I was going to go with these beautiful shippy feelings I felt, I knew an important part would be building up the Jake/Marco leg of the triangle, because Jake/Cassie is canon and doesn’t take too much convincing to get going. This bit in chapter 2 of The Bright Clear Line is the first intentional subtext:

I covered my face with my hands, trying to keep my breath in, so I wouldn’t have to hear it.

Hands closed over mine and gently pried them from my face. Jake. It had to be. He didn’t die in the boat. Was it really him? I squinted open my eyes. Yes, it was him, and he didn’t even have his serious face on. Just a confused little boy face, like the time he told me about seeing his dad cry. Behind me, Merlyse was a tiny bird on Dia’s shoulder, singing a quiet song. “Hey, Marco. There’s something important you need to know, but I need you to be calm before I tell you, okay? I need you breathe with me. In.” He sucked in air, showing me how, then exhaled. “Out. Do it with me, okay?”

I’ve talked a close friend through a panic attack, someone I love dearly but not in that way, and let me tell you, it does not by any means require you to gently touch the panicking person’s hands and face, or to sing them a song. The calm, steady speech and the breathing together bits are the necessary and helpful bits that Luis would have taught him; the rest is all Jake’s heartache at seeing Marco in pain. Also, in what will become something of a theme, Marco cries in this scene in front of Jake. It is excruciatingly difficult for Marco to cry in front of anybody, even his best friend.

Abel or Cain, chapter 2:

Dia rested her head on Merlyse’s talon. Marco looked at me sideways. “Ax had this idea. From the Andalite military. He calls it the chain of command. When you can’t lead, there’s a lieutenant. Someone who can take over for you. Even when you think you don’t need someone to take over.”

“And that’s you,” I said. I scrubbed the tears from my face with a few hard swipes. “Duh. You’re my best friend, Marco. If you ever again tell me I’m losing it, getting too involved, losing my head – ”

Marco’s words were cool, distant, but Dia squeezed around Merl’s leg, like some weird kind of hug. It was only then I realized how close our dæmons had gotten, closer than Dia had dared ever since David grabbed her.

“What are we, anymore, Dia?” Merl said quietly, looking down at her long, powerful body. “What’s happened to us?”

She didn’t answer. She just rubbed her head against the soft down of Merl’s leg feathers, then slithered back down the bedpost.

This bit is crucial. Part of it is just self-indulgence, not meant as subtext for the reader necessarily, because I seem to have some kind of deeply rooted fetish for leaders letting their lieutenants take over leadership for them. That part’s for me, not you, because that’s what makes me ship it. 

Here’s the part that is for the reader. One is that Jake is crying in front of Marco – this is incredibly hard for him, even in front of his best friend, just like it was for Marco last fic. The other is that Diamanta was profoundly traumatized by David grabbing her, and hasn’t touched another dæmon since then, but she works past that trauma because she wants to touch Merlyse so badly. This is gay, folks. It’s gay.

Building up the trio

The Guided and the Lost starts a theme where two of the members of the triad team up to help support the third. This has become one of my favorite things about this ship. Here, Marco and Cassie take Jake home after he (and Marco) were tortured by Taylor. They’re working together to help him but they’re not sure how.

The Guided and the Lost, chapter 2:

I stared down at Jake and waited for Cassie to do something Cassie-ish that would fix this. Dia hissed in my ear, “She’s going to cry. Do something, quick, before she cries.”

I had no good ideas, but anything would be better than Cassie crying. I asked Jake, “What do you do to get to sleep?”

Quincy nipped the back of Cassie’s hand with his fangs. She swallowed hard and pulled herself together. She pulled up the chair from Jake’s desk and sat down. “Okay,” she said. “I have some history for you. The barn’s been in my mom’s family for generations. Let me tell you about it. See, her ancestors were here before California was a state. They were a mestizo family from Mexico who built a ranch up here.”

I stood there awkwardly, listening even though I always found history kind of boring. I wondered again if I should leave. But Cassie gestured for me to sit at the foot of Jake’s bed. I sat down, feeling weird about it even though I’d had sleepovers in this room a million times before.

Here, Marco feels awkward and jealous because he’s had so many sleepovers in Jake’s bedroom, and now he and Cassie are both in Jake’s bedroom and Jake and Cassie are having a Moment and Marco feels like a third wheel. A bedroom is an intimate, private space, and Marco is used to sharing it with Jake and Jake alone; he is not ready to share that intimacy with Cassie, and he feels usurped. At the same time, he feels pathetically grateful to Cassie for helping him deal with Jake’s feelings.

Putting Down Roots:

We passed by Marco, who had ended up dancing with Cassie after all. He was keeping it slow and simple with her so she could keep up. I was kind of surprised to see that she was having fun. She was always so awkward at school dances I figured she didn’t like dancing at all. But she was wearing a nice blouse and slacks instead of a dress, which I’d picked out on the hunch she’d be more comfortable in them. There was no pressure, no other girls trying to ask Jake to dance, and she was laughing at Marco’s over-the-top gentlemanliness.

Marco is tuned in enough to Cassie and Jake’s relationship that he understands that Cassie feels awkward and a little hurt that Jake won’t dance with her. So he steps in and dances with her, doing everything he can to make her feel more at ease. 

In Chapter 8 of The Tree of Life, the Animorphs get the news from Evatran that under their instructions, the Sharing is starting new programs to round up the homeless and disabled as hosts. Continuing the theme, Cassie and Jake team up here to make Marco feel better after hearing this news.

Jake stayed behind, though. I caught him in a pleading look at Cassie that read something like: help, Cassie, he’s having an emotion! Quincy mantled his wings to cover his face. Merlyse became an Arctic wolf and gave her an even more pleading look, with puppy eyes.

I rolled my eyes. “It’s okay, you dweeb. Cassie can stay. It’s not like she can’t tell I’m having a mini freak out over here, anyway. She always knows.”

“Hey,” Jake said, looking back and forth between us. There was a crushing weight behind his eyes. He pulled me and Cassie into a hug, which actually worked, since Cassie and I are short and Jake is a big block of a guy.

“Cassie,” I said, muffled into Jake’s arm. “He’s trying to crush us to death. Aren’t you gonna stop him?” Merlyse huffed as Quincy bit into her neck fur, where it was too thick to hurt. Dia hissed a laugh and flicked her fuzzy white leg with her rattle tail.

When Jake let us go, Cassie said, “This changes everything. I think. The war is getting – I don’t know.” She shrugged, and held out her hand for Quincy. “I just have a feeling.” And she went into her house.

I looked at Jake. “Does she always say stuff like that?”

“I dunno. Sometimes. Why should I know?”

“Because she’s your girlfriend?”

“I don’t know what we are,” Jake said.

I stared at him and shook my head. “God, you’re an idiot.” And before he could ask me why he was an idiot, I left.

Here, Jake and Cassie team up to make Marco feel better. Cassie talks to Marco, helps him see the situation from a different perspective, and Jake pulls them into a group hug. The bit at the end with Jake and Marco is Marco being jealous and resentful of him and Cassie again – Cassie can be more open about her feelings for Jake, because of heteronormativity, and even with her feelings more open, Jake still won’t act. So what kind of hope does Marco have?

In Chapter 2 of Welcome Home, Marco and Cassie team up to make sure Jake doesn’t offer up his own family as a sacrifice to the Yeerks to save everyone else.

Diamanta reared up and hissed, making all of us flinch except Abineng. “That’s bullshit and you know it! Yeah, Dad and Nora are top of the list because my mom’s a Controller. So how does that put you, the family of a Controller, at the bottom of the list?”

“Tom’s dead as far as they’re concerned,” Merlyse shot back.

“So you think they’ve forgotten he has a family?” Dia said.

Jake opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off. “Put me last,” I said. “Marco’s right. All of your families are related to a high-ranking Controller. Mine’s not. My parents can wait.”

This is very much Cassie showing her love for Jake in the most concrete possible way: putting his family ahead of hers.

In Chapter 4 of Welcome Home, Jake and Cassie learn about polyamory for the first time in their lives, and their reactions are.... interesting:

Ket considered this. “Ghat have husband, Dref, and wife, Meret. Is gay?”

While my brain tried to process that, Cassie said, “Wait, so was this a three-way wedding today?”

Ket laughed. “No! Ghat marry Dref before. In cage, in Yeerk Pool. Now Ghat marry Meret.”

“Won’t Dref get jealous?” I said.

Ket tilted her head at me. “What is jealous?”

Merlyse started laughing, then I joined in. I shook my head. “The Hork-Bajir are so cool. You have it all figured out, don’t you?”

Cassie and Quincy looked at each other. He pricked his ears at me. Cassie raised her eyebrows and said, “You think it’s cool, huh? That Ghat has a husband and a wife?”

I blushed. “I think it’s cool that they can do stuff like that without worrying they’ll get divorced over it, yeah.”

Why is Jake blushing here? It’s because he’s subconsciously thinking about the possibilities of polyamory like the Hork-Bajir’s, and he’s more intrigued than he’s ready to admit to Cassie. But Cassie still picks up that Jake has more than a passing interest in the concept.

Chapter 6 of Welcome Home is a huge step for the trio. This is where Marco and Cassie get more on the same page, recognizing the parallels and commonalities between them, and Cassie starts to get a clue that there’s something developing between the trio.

I crumpled into Marco, on the side where Diamanta wasn’t draped over his shoulder. I cried with the force of my whole body, shaking against him. For a moment, he stiffened. Then he laid a hand on the back of my head, so lightly it barely flattened my afro, and turned his head so his cheek touched my forehead. I remembered the look on Marco’s face when he said goodbye to Eva, and fresh pain wracked me. Our mothers had made their choices, and we had to live with them. Live without them. Let them go.

Something hot and wet trickled down my forehead. Marco was crying too, here in the night when my face was hidden and no one but Diamanta would see.

I stared at it. “Oh, hell with it.” I took a long swig. “Huh. That tastes way better than the red wine my parents drink sometimes.” I smiled at him and kissed him on the cheek. I tasted a hint of salt from where he’d cried on me. “You’re sweet.”

Marco went brick red.

“First of all, Cassie’s not my – she’s – ” He shot me a frantic look and flushed pink. “Look, Tom, it’s none of your business, but she can kiss Marco on the cheek if she wants to! Second of all, how do you even know what they were doing?”

My tongue tied itself in a knot. The words hovered in the air: Cassie’s not my – Cassie can kiss Marco on the cheek if she wants to. I should say something about that. Or about the stupid mission I’d just run behind his back. But I just couldn’t right now. So instead I told Marco, “Save it for another night. Then all three of us can pass it around.”

“Ooh, Cassie, repeat offender,” Marco said. “Who would have thought? And dragging Jake into her wicked ways too!”

It’s the only way we’ll talk about the things we really need to talk about, Quincy thought. I smiled weakly. “Yeah. That’s me. A wicked, wicked temptress.” And I walked back to the yurt, feeling like I’d missed out on a chance to come clean.

Again, following the theme with these three, Marco is able to cry in front of Cassie here, which is not an easy thing for him. 

I use blushing strategically, folks. Marco blushes because he likes the kiss and doesn’t know what to do with that. Jake blushes while talking about Cassie kissing Marco because it’s giving him the warm tinglies and he doesn’t know what to do with that. 

I explicitly foreshadow the way the trio are going to get together when Cassie tells Marco to save the rest of the limoncello for another night. Cassie wants Marco to do that because she already understands at this point that there’s something going on between the three of them and the only way the other two are ever going to talk about it is if they have alcohol in their systems. Ah, our beloved manipulative Cassie.

Then our other huge step comes when, yet again, Cassie and Marco team up to help Jake, this time when he’s going back to keep watch for Tom, not knowing what his fate will be. 

«You look like Ax’s jock brother. You’re on the football team, he does fencing. You make fun of him for being a fancy nerd.» Marco’s face broke into a doggy grin. «You’re both pretty cute, though. All of us should have kids. We obviously have primo genes.»

Friends, Romans, countrymen, this is bi as fuck.

«I dunno. She’s pretty hardcore for a cute little bird,» Marco said. He started rubbing his head against my thigh and licking my hand. It reminded me so much of Homer I almost wanted to laugh. I scratched his ears, and his tongue lolled out of his mouth. «Ohhhh man,» he said. «Now I know why dogs are so wild about getting their ears scratched. That is awesome.»

It should have been weird. Marco wasn’t Homer, after all. He was my best friend, and I was petting his head. Not to mention Cassie was a Yeerk in my head while I did it. Maybe it was just so weird it went all the way back around to being okay, somehow. Whatever it was, I gave into it. I sank into a crouch and scratched the thick ruff around Marco’s neck with both hands. He licked my face. “Hey, stop that! You’re not Homer, you have no excuse.”

That hetero feel when you rub your head against your bro’s thigh and lick his hand. That hetero feel when pet your bro while your girlfriend is a slug in your head. Just some relatable, totally straight feelings.

And this is how I finally got to bring the relationship from subtext to text in Destroyer of Worlds. What a journey it’s been!

#daemorphing meta is go

[bthump]

The Brightest Thing - A Griffith Analysis

Part Three - you made Griffith weak

Part One Part Two

To Griffith, the dream is emotional security. It’s assurance that if he’s dirty, then it’s because it’s necessary to be so, so he can keep winning for the sake of the dead. It’s a way for him to repress his guilt and self loathing, because when he gets that kingdom-shaped seal of approval, it will have been worth it.

So when I say that Griffith’s relationship with Guts is beginning to replace the dream, that’s what I mean - rather than relying on the dream to reassure himself that everything he’s done, even his very existence, is worthwhile, he could rely on Guts for that. He starts opening up to Guts, rather than repressing through his dream.

Despite Griffith's Promrose Hall speech, nothing actually changes on his end. He prioritizes Guts above the dream again when he sends a search party after him and Casca despite the nobles he’s trying to suck up to telling him he shouldn’t. He drops everything during the Battle of Doldrey to have a quiet panic attack when Guts’ sword breaks. His first reaction upon achieving a huge milestone on the path to his dream when the Band is officially integrated into the royal army is to find Guts and share the moment with him.

And boy I love how the chapter that depicts Griffith’s moment of triumph for his dream ends with Griffith just smiling at Guts across a vast ballroom.

The story between Promrose and the end of the war is filled with little moments that are suggestive of Griffith’s reliance on Guts. Another of my favourites:

I just hope he stays calm and composed.

Casca worried that volunteering to defeat an army of thirty thousand with five thousand men might be an act of recklessness because a predatory pedophile who took advantage of Griffith’s extreme self loathing when he was like fourteen is the leader of that army? Naaaaaah impossible, Griffith would never let that faze him. Oh and speaking of Griffith being calm and composed, this is my last battle, it’s almost time to leave.

But Tombstone of Flame is the main attraction here.

This is the second night of assassinations, and it’s a neat mirror to the first. Where Guts came away from Julius’ assassination consumed with inadequacy, self-loathing, and generally feeling like a monster, now it’s Griffith who comes away totally fucked up and filled with self hatred.

Between Promrose and Tombstone we learn Griffith’s backstory. This adds to the mirror image effect between these assassinations by revealing Griffith’s insecurities to us so we can understand his perspective, and it serves as its own parallel to this scene.

And this is the scene where we see that not only does Guts surpass the dream in importance to Griffith, but he could have potentially become a much more emotionally healthy alternative to it. This is where we see how Griffith could have not just prioritized Guts, but replaced the function of the dream with his relationship with Guts.

And I want to emphasize the emotionally healthier part. One of Berserk’s most consistent themes imo is that relationships with others are a superior way of dealing with your issues compared to dreams and swords.

eg, Godo, our favourite dispenser of wisdom, has some pretty telling lines to that effect.

You were right beside those irreplacable things... yet you couldn’t bear to immerse yourself together in sorrow with them. So instead... you ran away so that your own malice could burn inside you.

Guts’ personal growth post-Eclipse is associated with making friends; his backsliding and mistakes are associated with going off on his own to fight monsters; he begins to overcome his revulsion to touch when he becomes part of the Hawks;

on the rooftop after the Zodd conversation Guts recalled the night he killed Gambino and wondered if this was the answer he’d been searching for since then (family) before dedicating his sword to Griffith; part of his healing process for his childhood trauma is talking about it to Casca; etc. And Guts and Griffith’s relationship is very much included, even though it’s far more of a tragic missed opportunity.

The second half of Tombstone of Flame Part 2, aka my favourite chapter of Berserk, abruptly shifts tone from triumph and pure badassery to quiet, contemplative vulnerability halfway through. As a chapter I feel like it really encompasses the highs and lows of Griffith’s character, from defeating his enemies and cooly predicting Foss’ actions to wrap everything up in a neat little bow, to highlighting his guilt, self-loathing, and emotional dependency on Guts.

Here, Griffith opens up to Guts in an intensely vulnerable moment.

I involved you in this filthy scheme... and I didn’t even get my hands dirty. I left all the dangerous, taxing work to you...

Idiot! What kinda question’s that for the guy who killed a hundred men?

This is another scene the significance of which cannot be overstated. There’s so much to unpack here I hardly know where to start. Like... this is the moment. This is what Griffith flashes back to when he’s fucking Charlotte and burning his life down around him. This is a moment Guts remembers when slowly realizing that Griffith loves him. This is what the Godhand shows Griffith to get him to agree to make the sacrifice. Guts remembers this after Griffith makes the sacrifice. This moment is basically the linchpin of Berserk.

This is both a mirror to Guts overhearing the Promrose Hall speech, and a call-back to Griffith in the river after Gennon.

So first, the set-up of this chapter recalls Promrose Hall strongly. It’s the second night of assassinations, Promrose Hall took place on the first night. When Guts assassinated Julius he came away from that encounter wracked with guilt over accidentally killing Adonis as well, strongly and traumatically reminded of his childhood, and basically thinking of himself as a monster in a way inseparable from his own childhood trauma:

Guts is consumed with self-loathing, comparing himself to monsters like Zodd overtly, and like Donovan symbolically. He’s also reminded of killing Gambino, like, basically this event just brings a pile of old issues crashing down on Guts’ head.

In a concussed daze he wants nothing but to find Griffith, presumably for reassurance. I don’t want to get too heavily into Guts’ side of things here, but remember that this is shortly after he dedicated himself to Griffith when Griffith told him he risked his life for him for no reason. I think it’s safe to say that he wants that reassurance again, he wants to feel the same sense of being valued and respected that he got during that staircase conversation.

And instead he overhears Griffith telling Charlotte that he has no friends. More to the point, what he gets is Griffith’s dream blocking the emotional bridge that Guts is trying to cross like a troll.

In Tombstone, Guts and Griffith assassinate the Queen and this time it’s Griffith who turns to Guts for emotional reassurance in a moment of vulnerability.

The way killing Adonis reminds Guts of his many, many issues is echoed in the strong parallel between Tombstone and Griffith in the river. We don’t get to see what’s going through Griffith’s head the way we see into Guts’, but we can infer an awful lot based on this comparison.

In the river, Griffith asked someone for reassurance after doing something he considers shameful for the sake of his dream.

Casca’s response isn’t all that reassuring.

She cuts herself off in the process of automatically reassuring him and instead she asks why he was with Gennon. This is totally understandable and not at all something I blame Casca for lol. She’s a kid, she’s understandably disgusted at the thought of Griffith having sex with Gennon willingly knowing that he’s a pedophile, and she’s out of her depth in a highly charged, difficult discussion. But that doesn’t change the fact that Griffith probably took her answer as a “yes.”

Griffith then goes into his self-harming dream spiel, as he reiterates to himself exactly why it was worth it to dirty himself for his dream while tearing open his arms. What may have been his first attempt to open up to someone else in a moment of extreme emotional vulnerability was shut down, inadvertently, so he violently returns to his original justification and defense mechanism, his dream.

The saddest thing about Tombstone, to me, is that this time Guts brings up the dream for him.

Ain’t this part of the path to your dream? You believe that, don’t you?

Guts’ answer is a depressing double-whammy of both implicitly agreeing that Griffith is cruel, and reminding him that the cruelty is necessary to achieve his goals. This second time we see Griffith try to open up to someone is also shut down, inadvertently, and the fact that Guts is the one to bring up his dream this time rather than Griffith tells us that the dream wasn’t even on his mind. Guts’ answer comes as a very painful reminder.

Like, imo this is huge. In the first part of this meta I tried to show how wholly reliant Griffith is on his dream. It’s what he clings to as his shield against his intense self-loathing and guilt. It’s a way for him to tell himself that everything awful and dirty that he’s done was worth it, and that one day he’ll be able to prove that.

Well this moment shows Griffith forgetting all that in the face of Guts’ potential acceptance, until Guts reminds him and his self loathing comes crashing down on him all at once.

If his dream was what he turned to for validation from fate or some higher power, then now Guts is who he turns to for validation. He needs Guts’ reassurance that he isn’t cruel. He needs Guts to see his “dirty side” and continue to remain by his side - that is all the validation he needs now. Not fate, not a kingdom, just love.

The same way the only thing Guts needed in order to feel like he was where he belonged wasn’t his own dream, but the knowledge that Griffith loved him, the knowledge that he had after their staircase conversation about Zodd, and which dissolved after Promrose.

But instead Guts, with Griffith’s dream on his mind getting in between them again, says the wrong thing and Griffith looks the exact same way he looked when he felt like he was responsible for a kid’s death.

So, to sum up, Griffith feels self-loathing, tries to open up to other people to assuage his sense of self-loathing in the hope that, having seen him at his worst, they don’t see him as filthy/cruel the way he sees himself, and each time his self loathing is only reinforced. The first time he clings to his dream in lieu of Casca’s reassurance, while the second time Guts is the one who brings up his dream, in so many words pushing Griffith away and telling him to cling to the dream instead of him.

Each time the dream serves as a replacement for real human connection and love.

The first time Griffith was able to close himself off, place a hand on her shoulder, and tell Casca, “it’s nothing,” when he realized how emotionally vulnerable he was in that moment. But when it comes to Guts, he’s much too far gone to separate himself and play the perfect leader.

Now, as opposed to putting the mask of perfection on and saying, “it’s nothing,” with Guts he says:

Unlike Promrose Hall, Guts putting the dream in between him and Griffith and thwarting Griffith’s efforts to open up to him and take comfort in his potential reassurance doesn’t immediately ruin their relationship. I’d say that Griffith is very accustomed to seeing himself as a monster by now, so while Guts’ implicit confirmation of that fact is incredibly fucking depressing considering what could have been, it’s nothing Griffith didn’t expect to hear.

Guts remains the man allowed to see behind the mask and into the real him.

And then there’s this contrast:

This is depicted as a cute moment, but it’s also indicative of how utterly weak and emotionally vulnerable Griffith is now that he’s let Guts in. With Casca he was still able to step back and remove himself, put the mask back on, and be the one to comfort her despite clearly needing it more.

Now Guts is the one to put his hand on Griffith’s shoulder. It’s not depicted as a hugely significant and character revealing action the way this moment in the river is, but it’s a perfect illustration of what Griffith finally realizes after it’s too late:

And it’s exactly the moment Miura uses to show us how emotionally vulnerable Griffith has become to Guts. Griffith couldn’t separate himself when he tried, and now he doesn’t try, he just accepts Guts’ assessment that his cruelty is necessary with a sad smile, and intends to continue on with Guts at his side.

Finally, there’s seemingly one thing missing from this comparison between Griffith in the river and Griffith in Tombstone of Flame: the self harm.

But, well, it’s not actually missing, we just don’t get to see it until a month later:

And the reason we’re not shown Griffith’s self-harm scratches*** until this scene is because it’s actually another big contrast between Griffith’s reaction to Casca and his reaction to Guts.

Presumably, based on the other parallels I drew between Tombstone and Casca’s flashback, and based on the placement of these panels - Griffith’s memory of Guts reminding him about his dream and questioning Griffith’s resolve followed immediately by our first glimpse of those scratch marks on Griffith’s shoulder - Griffith self-harmed at some point closely following the assassinations.

One can imagine it following exactly the same pattern we saw with Casca: Griffith asks someone if they think he’s X thing he hates about himself, doesn’t hear a no, and then some time following he reinforces his resolve, tells himself that it’s ok, it’s necessary for him to do these dirty, cruel things for the sake of achieving his all-important dream, for the sake of the people who have given their lives for it, for the sake of making their sacrifices meaningful, etc, while self-harming. Just like he did in the river.

The contrast comes now, after Guts has left.

Griffith could probably convince himself after Tombstone that the things he does for the sake of his dream are necessary and important and it’s worth becoming a monster to achieve his goal. “You believe that, don’t you?” Guts had to remind him, but Griffith agrees. “You’re right.”

But after Guts leaves him?

When Guts leaves, Griffith takes it as a rejection. Those little moments that by themselves never ruined their relationship or amounted to more than mild rebuffs have probably turned into wholesale condemnations in Griffith’s mind. Guts saying, “just order me to do it,” goes from a mild reminder that they don’t have an equal relationship to, “I won’t dirty myself voluntarily, but I’ll do it if you order me to because that’s my job.” Guts saying, “ain’t this part of the path to your dream?” turns into, “your dream is paved with cruelty and I’m sick of being dragged through the dirt with you.”

Griffith winning Guts’ loyalty in a fight turns into Guts being forced to associate with him, and leaving as soon as he’s accomplished what he thinks Griffith wanted him for, thereby fulfilling his end of the bargain.

The moment Griffith is remembering here is our first glimpse of them together. “It’s funny... you’re the first person I’ve ever spoken to like this.” It’s a memory of Griffith choosing to open up to someone and share his innermost thoughts for the very first time. And he’s convincing himself that Guts was disgusted by him from the very first glimpse he got of the Griffith underneath the perfect image, and wanted to escape him since the beginning.

Ironically, we know exactly how Guts felt in this moment: “At that time he shone before me as something beautiful, noble, and larger than life.” It makes the choice of this particular memory all the more painful.

The other thing this particular memory signifies is Griffith’s driving motivation behind his dream. This is the scene where he tells Guts all about his belief in fate and his desire to know what he’s destined for - it’s our first indication of what Griffith’s dream means to him. It’s a contrast: Griffith then, just beginning to open up to Guts and explaining the pragmatic philosophy behind his dream, and Griffith now, falling to pieces because he believes Guts is rejecting him.

In other words, Griffith then, reliant on his dream, vs Griffith now, reliant on Guts.

The very fact that Griffith is the one challenging him, refusing to let Guts go without a fight demonstrates how far the dream is from Griffith’s mind. Remember how important it is for the Hawks to choose to follow him? How even when Guts first joined, the duel and the stakes were chosen entirely by Guts and Griffith just went along with it? Now that’s not even a factor. The feelings of guilt lying just below Griffith’s surface don’t matter at all in the face of Guts leaving. Griffith is now so far beyond distancing himself from Guts with reminders that he may die for his dream that he’s willing to risk killing him directly, in an irrational attempt to negate Guts’ rejection.

“I guess it’s because they themselves chose to fight,” is a careful rationalization, and Griffith is no longer anywhere close to capable of rationalization in this moment. This is what happens when the emotions he buries and spends his life denying burst to the surface. Despite being more emotionally open with him than he’s ever been with anyone before, he’s never put a label on his feelings for Guts and never even identified them to himself. He asks Guts, “do I need a reason each time I put myself in harm’s way for your sake?” he tells Guts, “it’s for those reasons that I’m asking you to do this,” he tells Guts, “you’re rough enough to share this with. To the end,” he tells Guts, “you’re the first person I’ve ever spoken to like this,” but he never tells Guts that he cares for him, prioritizes him, trusts him, loves him, and I don’t think he’s ever told himself either.

Having ignored and rationalized away his emotions for most of his life, now he’s finally run out of logic and rationalizations. He has no experience dealing with feelings like this because he lives in denial of them; I genuinely don’t think he himself understands what he’s feeling or why as Guts announces that he’s leaving, so he ends up lashing out through an established framework that he does understand, that Guts himself once suggested as a way to win his loyalty, that, might I point out, Judeau, Corkus, and Pippin all think is reasonable, and Guts is reassured by lol.

Griffith won Guts in a fight, so Griffith will keep Guts through another fight, because he can’t bear the thought of Guts rejecting him.

Which brings me back to the scratch marks on his shoulder.

He remembers the moment Guts implicitly agreed that Griffith is cruel and called his resolve into question. “You believe that, don’t you?”

A month earlier his answer was yes. He scratched himself and told himself that everything was necessary for the sake of his dream.

Here’s his answer now:

No.

He doesn’t scratch himself - he traces the marks, trying to remind himself that yes, it’s worth becoming a monster for the sake of his dream, even if it drove Guts away... but it isn’t. Now instead of self-harming he curls up and cries. No blood this time, just tears.

Griffith scratching himself is tied to affirming his dream and repressing his feelings of self-loathing, and the pointed absence of scratching here tells us that he can no longer affirm his dream or repress his self-loathing. It’s not worth dirtying himself for, it’s not worth the deaths on his head, it’s not worth becoming a monster, because that, he believes, is why Guts left, and nothing was worth losing Guts, not even his dream.

This whole sequence with Charlotte*** is Griffith’s attempt to fall back on his dream after losing Guts. Charlotte represents his dream perfectly - Judeau even reminds the audience of that fact in the chapter preceding the second duel (chapter 34). The key to his dream is Charlotte, and Griffith showing up at her window is an irrational attempt to attain his dream now, no matter how premature it is, because he is in dire need of the emotional reassurance his dream provides him.

Guts is gone, seemingly having rejected him, and Griffith retreats to his dream the way it’s always been a defense against his self-loathing and a way of repressing his emotions.

Take all the frightening and sad things... and cast them into the fire.

But again, it doesn’t work this time - it’s not enough to cope with the loss of Guts.

I think there is also a strong component of self-destruction here. Griffith knows how risky sleeping with Charlotte is, she even points it out while he’s standing in a tree outside her window. The King alludes to Griffith “destroying himself,” as well, and everyone and their horse except Corkus, stubbornly, connects Griffith’s meltdown after Guts left to the way he and the Hawks are declared traitors the next morning. It may not be a planned suicide, but it’s an act of self-immolation just the same, and something Griffith did knowing the risks full-well.

It’s no surprise when he lands himself in a dungeon.

Oh this chapter. This chapter this chapter this chapter. I’ll admit, it’s been giving me some trouble, not because it doesn’t fit with my point, but because it fits too well lol. I debated for a long time whether I’d try really delving into it or whether I’d omit some stuff and just like, ignore the fact that I genuinely believe this is the meaning behind it.

But lbr I’m taking the first option, as hard as it’s been to find a way to talk about this shit that doesn’t like... give entirely the wrong impression, because it’s basically the capstone to this part of Griffith’s character arc, and therefore this part of this meta, and it encapsulates everything about Griffith’s self-loathing perfectly.

Everything he calls the King out on is something he hates about himself.

You’ve lived on by resigning yourself to the monster [war] you envision. But you’ve by no means tried to harness that monster.

The second part is fairly obvious. The King was born to the throne and didn’t even bother to use his power for anything worthwhile. Griffith wasn’t born into that power but he spent his life trying to attain it, and just as he was about to succeed he threw it away, ultimately accomplishing nothing. "This is... worthless.” Both of them failed to utilize that power.

The first part, the mockery of the King’s feelings for Charlotte, was the part that tripped me up for a while, because frankly, it’s such a clear parallel to Griffith’s feelings for Guts, to the point where when I tried to write this section while ignoring it it felt like a really glaring omission, but oh man, let’s be real here, it’s unpleasant as fuck.

I’m choosing to give Miura the benefit of the doubt because while I don’t think he’s above comparing gay pining to incestuous rape, I do think, as I’ve said, that this scene is about Griffith’s self loathing, and Griffith considering his own feelings to be just as pathetic and grotesque as the King’s lust for his daughter makes a depressing amount of sense to me.

First I want to explain why this parallel is so clear to me because I’d hate to look like I’m making this up. So first, once we’re agreed that the King bemoaning the weight of lives on his shoulders and assuming Griffith has no idea what that’s like, and getting a very knowing look from Griffith in response, is as clear a parallel between Griffith and the King as you get, I feel like it’s impossible to ignore how neatly obsessive love for someone fits in as well.

Griffith’s feelings for Guts have been defined by giving himself in exchange for him, risking his life and his dream/kingdom for him, as Casca points out at every possible opportunity. And now he finally has given up a kingdom for him - or at least, because of him.***

We know why Griffith is in that dungeon. Griffith knows why he’s in that dungeon. (“He was the reason I’ve been thrown into this darkness”) Casca knows why he’s in that dungeon. (“Because you left us! Because you abandoned Griffith!”) Rickert, a little kid, knows why he’s in that dungeon. (“What I think is... it must’ve been over you, Guts.”) Eventually even Guts gets a clue. (“Was I the one who brought all this upon you?”)

Like, just to reiterate the main point of this meta, Griffith’s narrative so far is about becoming emotionally reliant on Guts as a defense against the weight of death on his shoulders, instead of the dream which had been his defense until Guts. This scene is about the King’s emotional reliance on Charlotte as a defense against the weight of death on his shoulders instead of using the “sword called the throne” to defend himself against that weight by doing something worthwhile with it - something to justify what the King’s subjects have been dying for.

And it’s no coincidence that the throne is described as a sword.

In Berserk, swords are coping mechanisms. Griffith is mocking the King for his emotional dependence on someone else to shield his heart rather than using his “sword” for that purpose, which is, of course, exactly what led to Griffith ending up in a dungeon.

The King goes on this diatribe:

I would give myself... even this kingdom in exchange for her! She’s my whole life!

What value is there in this world? Wars rage on and the people’s lives are lost like they were insects! After how many decades of war and how many tens of thousands of corpses, we’ve finally built a time of remembered peace, but it’s only for an instant! On the underside, the monster named war is always seeking new blood, starting to brew itself anew! In the face of that monster, the will of one land’s king is powerless! The wisdom of one man is folly! And yet I cannot cease being king! There’s no way I can stop! In this... blood stained, meaningless world... if there is one single ray of hope to be found... it is... warmth. Only warmth covers and protects me from this world.

You’ve taken that one flower that gives me that warmth... and plucked it! Unforgiveable!

Alas, my poor Charlotte. I’ve brought her up for seventeen years. She knowing no impurity... now that she’s given herself up to the sport of a commoner... I’d rather that... rather that...

Directly from the King lamenting that monster called war and the lives lost to it, to declaring Charlotte his one defense against the world. His one means of protection from the weight of “the lives of all the people, all on [his] shoulders.”

Again, Guts was becoming Griffith’s defense against his feelings of guilt. A large portion of Griffith’s story revolves around how his relationship with Guts is in part a coping mechanism, a defense against self-loathing.

And not in a negative way - remember, compared to dreams and swords as coping mechanisms, finding emotional support in a connection with someone else is by far the superior option, according to Berserk as a whole. 

Griffith’s expression of his feelings for Guts wasn’t altogether healthy, because Griffith is not altogether emotionally healthy lol. He’s an extremely repressed guilt-ridden obsessive dude who self harms and thinks achieving an arbitrary goal will justify his existence, and who fell in love, had no way to understand those feelings, and became very emotionally dependent without even noticing.

Hence freaking the fuck out, challenging Guts to a duel and thinking as he strikes that he’d rather kill him than let Guts reject him. But despite that, overall, we’re shown that Griffith’s feelings for and relationship with Guts could’ve helped him grow as a person, had their relationship been given a chance to flourish without misunderstandings getting in the way.

I’m pointing all this out because I’m trying very hard to avoid coming across like I’m saying that Griffith’s relationship with Guts is at all equivalent to the King’s relationship to his daughter.

Griffith and Guts’ relationship falls apart because of a failure to communicate and because neither realize that their feelings are mutual. Griffith believes that Guts is rejecting him when he leaves, but we the readers know that in reality Guts is leaving entirely because he loves Griffith and wants to be worthy of his friendship.

I believe that the parallel here between Griffith and Guts and the King and Charlotte is so utterly loathsome because it reflects how Griffith feels about himself, not because it’s anything close to an objective parallel or a commentary on relying on relationships with other people as a means of emotional support.

The King is nothing more than a lonely, miserable man who can’t find any reason to live beyond the one person he loves, while Griffith threw his life away over Guts’ perceived rejection, and he knows it. As much as he represses, he can’t deny this - when he curls up and weeps beside Charlotte, that’s Griffith failing to deny his feelings for Guts, and he later describes him as the reason he’s been thrown into the darkness of the torture chamber, and the sole sustenance keeping him alive. Griffith is realizing that somewhere down the line his life had switched from revolving around the dream to revolving around Guts, and he thinks it’s pathetic.

The distinction Griffith makes between the King wanting Charlotte to have him rather than having Charlotte is relevant too. I used to take this line as little more than Miura feeling like he needed to justify why the King eventually flees instead of continuing his sexual assault attempt - ie because Charlotte’s rejection was too much to bear - but it works within the framework of Griffith’s feelings for Guts very well, particularly in light of the second duel.

I mean

And again like, ngl I hate to do this lol, like I said I’m not thrilled by this parallel, but fuck, it works perfectly and I do think it’s deliberate:

The King attacking Charlotte is a parallel to Griffith challenging Guts to the second duel. In a way. Again, not an objective way, not in a way that’s truly comparable - hell, we get Guts’ inner monologue and he’s literally comforted by Griffith’s challenge while Judeau and co think it’s perfectly reasonable as former mercenaries - but within Griffith’s self-loathing mindset where he sees himself as a rejected monster, he sees himself in the King and his fucked up attraction to Charlotte. The King’s subsequent attack and “rejection” by Charlotte mirrors Griffith’s perception of attacking Guts and then being left, rejected, in the snow.

Griffith makes the distinction between having and wanting to be had because everything about his own breakdown revolves around Guts’ perceived rejection of him. Griffith thinks Guts sees him as a monster, and, through their duel, from Griffith’s perspective, Griffith was trying to keep Guts with him despite that rejection, against Guts’ will. In hindsight, removed from the heightened emotions of the moment, he believes his actions to be as pathetic as the King’s lust for Charlotte. He tried to “have” Guts against his will, when what he wanted was to be “had” by him - wanted by him, loved by him, accepted by him. He wanted Guts to want to stay with him, not to be forced to stay.

And of course, the supreme irony is that Guts did love Griffith, and that’s exactly why Guts was leaving. He wanted Griffith to want him, he just didn’t recognize Griffith’s irrational actions as a show of desperate need until it was too late. This is directly stated in the text several times, so I’m not going to try to justify this statement through a big tangent about Guts’ decision to leave. Here’s one of the most self-explanatory moments where Miura tells us what happened from Guts’ perspective:

So, again, the King attacking Charlotte is not an actual objective parallel; it’s a parallel when filtered through Griffith’s false framing of what happened between him and Guts as a vicious rejection, which ofc fits because Griffith is the one bringing it all up and condemning both the King and himself.

At the end of the day I don’t particularly care whether “If I can’t have him, I don’t care,” is taken as a super dark moment or barely a drop in the pond when it comes to dark things people do in Berserk. Judge Griffith harshly for it or go ‘meh people try to kill each other in Berserk all the time, he wasn’t even trying so much as accepting the possibility,’ I just want to draw a clear distinction between that and a father trying to rape his daughter, which I think is fair.

And now the King’s final condescending judgement.

“Such a worthless matter.” We know what that worthless matter is. The King thinks it was lust for Charlotte that landed him there, but we (and half the cast of Berserk, vocally) know that it was his feelings for Guts.

And on the very next page we transition to the King’s assault of Charlotte. The King is doing some projecting himself here - he mocks Griffith for destroying himself over lust for Charlotte (Guts) which is what the King immediately proceeds to do. This attempted rape decimates him as a person; the next time we see him he looks like he’s aged thirty years, and he’s growing senile - just as Griffith is tortured to irreversible physical damage after Guts’ rejection.

After Charlotte wakes up and screams a horrified no, we return to Griffith for the last page of the chapter:

Charlotte’s assault is perfectly bookended by Griffith in the dungeon, and the repetition of “worthless,” a word used three times in this chapter.

The first time it refers overtly to the King not utilizing his power to justify his existence and assuage the guilt on his shoulders, instead comforting himself with Charlotte, with the implication that this is how Griffith feels having thrown away his dream over Guts.

The second time the King uses it to refer to the matter that Griffith destroyed himself over, ie stupid, impulsive actions based on feelings for another person. The King thinks it’s Charlotte, but we know it’s Guts.

The third time is how Griffith feels about himself, a final conclusive statement after his mockery of the King's feelings for Charlotte, the King’s accidental mockery of his feelings for Guts, and Charlotte’s assault. The way this chapter is structured essentially tells us that the attempted rape scene applies in some way to Griffith’s final declaration of his own worthlessness, and hopefully I’ve made a convincing case for how it’s an illustration of his self-loathing regarding his feelings for Guts.

Griffith, thrown into the darkness of the dungeon, may as well have been plunged into his own self-loathing. “Worthless.”

SO! What’s left? The torturer rips off Griffith’s behelit a short while later, nicely symbolic of the lost dream. A year passes. Guts returns. And Casca neatly condenses this enormous meta into the four sentences I stole for titles and writes the conclusion to this section for me:

Griffith had to make himself strong - remember, that refers to the way he represses his emotions and projects his image of perfection, the way he smiled at Casca and put his hand on her shoulder after violently self harming.

Guts made Griffith weak because Griffith was starting to open up to him rather than repressing those emotions and relying solely on his dream to defend against everything that haunts him. Do I need a reason? It’s for those reasons that I’m asking you to do this. Do you think that I’m cruel?

After being rejected by Guts and believing that Guts sees him as a monster, the promise of his dream was no longer enough for him to rely on, and he crashed and burned in an implosion of self-loathing and feelings of worthlessness.

Griffith’s no good without Guts anymore because his feelings for Guts made him weak. He came to rely on Guts to sustain his heart, because people need other people, and Guts was the person Griffith needed.

Wish Casca could’ve written this whole thing for me, it would’ve been a lot shorter and neater lbr.

That’s the end of Part Three. The next and final part is going to explore how Guts growing more vital to Griffith than the dream leads, contrary to expectations, to Griffith sacrificing Guts for his dream.

Part 4 - Griffith’s no good without you

*** There is a common misconception that this is one big, thick scar rather than scratch marks, presumably thanks to the anime depicting it as such, but frankly, the anime got it wrong. There is zero reason for Griffith to have a scar there, and it would have no significance - Guts’ sword didn’t touch him, and if it had he���d have either a bruise or a gaping wound lol, not a scar. They are two parallel lines that you can see Griffith trace with two fingers right as he starts crying, and since we already know Griffith has a tendency to scratch himself, this leaves no doubt to me that they are two scratch marks, not one big mark of unknown origin.

*** I think the scene with Charlotte is deeply flawed, and I’m treating it as consensual sex in this analysis because I believe that’s what Miura intended it to be read as, despite shitty, misogynist, tropey writing. More on that here, if you’d like a further explanation.

*** I remember an old conversation I had with I think @yesgabsstuff and @mastermistressofdesire where one of you suggested that Griffith burning his life down by fucking Charlotte could be interpreted as a childish act of bargaining, at least subconsciously. Griffith trying to trade his dream for Guts. And I’m js, that rang true to me and this comparison made me remember it.

#griffguts #griffith #berserk meta #a #b #this is so long i'm sorry and i think the next part is even longer #character: griffith #theme: dreams #scene: tombstone of flame #theme: self loathing #theme: coping mechanisms #theme: self harm #arc: ga #scene: second duel #scene: casca's flashback

[wordsfromme4]

Between the ages of 17-21, Instead of doing my life exactly as I wanted. I settled and stupidly adopted an “adult” mentality to just settle and take life and deal. I didn’t want to burden my family, pretty much my mom and sister, because I was very well aware of the fact that I came from a low income single parent household. My first job was the catalyst for a horrible traumatic spiral of pain and misery for my life, that I then lost my way for so long. I lost my sense of self confidence, ambitions, everything. I let myself stay while trying to find something else, at only the age of 18, where honestly at that age I should’ve been able to be as fickle and childlike as anyone should be able to. I was still young, and I should’ve allowed myself to be. So I spent months until in desperation, when the first new job came my way, I took it and bolted out from that horrid place because that was the adult thing to do. I didn’t know that one can leave a job without a back up if the job is that painful for one to work at. So now I’m at the 2nd job, and it turned out to be a nightmare for me as well. Not in the same exact as the first, but I have trauma from it too. On top of the fact that, they fired me due to my inability to perform as a top employee during the probation period. However, if im being fair, I really tried. The first month of my working there, I was still trying to adjust myself to the new job and new format on top still trying to heal from the prior months of trauma, so I wasn’t always on time. They only allowed for a 2 minute grace period and I had came from a job that was so dysfunctional, they didn’t care what time you came in because they were always going to ask me to stay an extra hour or so past my time anyway. I was never horrendously late, anywhere between 10-30 minutes would occur. Yet, I would almost always stay anywhere between 30 minutes to an 1 and a half even past the time I was scheduled for. So of course now coming into a new job, I had to fix this pattern but it took me a little time. I started to adjust afterwards but by the end of the 3rd month I ran into a new issue where I was going back to school for the fall semester and I had numerous instances in the week for about 3 weeks where I either had a call out or lateness because I could no longer do the original schedule they gave me when they hired me for the summer. Finally by about the end of September after haggling them about it and reminding them and just back and fourth they gave me an appropriate schedule I could work with but a few days later, after evaluating my performance overall, they fired me. That devastated  me, because 1, who wants to get fired from a job and 2, I already had so much Trauma from the earlier months within that year. so I fervently searched for a new job while stretching the financial aid check during the last couple of months of 2012. I didn’t want to look irresponsible or childish or go a long period without a job to then have to rely on my mother or sister to financially take care of me and for them to feel bothered or burdened by it. So I was jumping for joy, when once more the first job that called me in for interview, offered me the job. Duane Reade was meant to be temporary, a job to help me get back on my feet after 2012 was a year of horrible experiences. ( One more horrible experience happened at the end of that year but it’s not job related so I won’t go into the details. Once again, I struggled adjusting. My main focus was school, especially since the fall semester was such a prosperous one for me. I received all A’s and made the dean’s list and it made me feel so good, like I was my old self still. Anyway, the first few months were tumultuous  handling my spring 2013 semester( which was a fairly decent one, I still made dean’s list) and had fieldwork during the day to do for the one education class I had taken. The staff was okay for the most part, I was grateful that they weren’t hood and horrible like the staff at my first job. I had an interview for bath and body works in the fall of that year and I was almost in and everything, the manager just needed my managerial reference to come through. I had kennedy ( the one decent manager I had from burger king) on there, however, he kept not picking up the phone. She asked if I had another manager possibly to speak to, and of course century was out of the question. something in me felt like I couldn’t really use them since they were the ones that fired me and also because I didn’t really have a manager there, I had like 8 managers and not one that actually knew me. So I used my current head manager, and although he talked me up and secured me the job, he stabbed me in the back shortly after. He bought up my wanting to leave and convinced me to stay. I already had the hardship or my last two jobs, especially Century, that I feared possibly being out of work. He seriously made me fear leaving and said that they might not work with my school schedule, and that once I leave, I cant come back to this store. So I conceded because he was a selfish jerk.... staff wise...  There was a girl there who really had a mood swing issue that made it difficult to work with her at times, as well as an shift leader/assistant manager who I strongly disliked for his childlike demeanor, insensitivity and just overall eww-ness. I will never forget how on one particular day I had diarrhea and instead of allowing me to go home after telling him I wasn’t feeling well, he sent home another co-worker of mine for either not being prepared for work that day or for disrespect. So you would rather keep a sick employee at work and send a unprepared and/or disrespectful one home? I hated conflict so much, so me speaking up more than the two times that I did, wasn’t something I was trying to do. So I grin and bared through the day. Guess what happened that night? About maybe an half an hour or an hr before my shift was done, I accidentally had a little accident and had some poop in my underwear from a leak that came out before I could make it to the bathroom. So that night with uncomfortable underwear on, I hurried home. And in the midst of the bus ride to my house, my phone was stolen. Normally, I would’ve been sitting down and or on my phone but I didn’t even want to sit on the bus or on the train ride before the bus because of my underwear being soiled. In a moment of vulnerability, where I had just quickly slipped my phone from my bag pocket and placed it back in the side pocket, a guy was behind me and slipped it out and walked out the back door in less than 2 minutes. And just like that my phone was gone after a horrid day at work. That should’ve told me to leave that store, but I kept the fear of a new job either not working with my schedule or possibly being a problematic job and firing me, that I stayed. Around the end of 2015, more so going into the 2016, I met a person who unfortunately stole the last flickers of light I had left in me. In 2016 I was still okay, almost done finally, with college and trying to just wrap that up and once I wrapped that up I knew I was going to leave the store once and for all. But here he comes along with his sad stories and made me feel so much pity and sorrow for him, I ended up being with him for four years. And I suffered for 3 and a half of those years. And even now, with 3-4 months of no longer being with him, I still suffer from all the ways he stole time, health and piece of mind from me. The last 8-9 years of my life, have been filled with so much trauma and hardship I don’t have it in me anymore. I have so much anxiety and lack of enthusiasm for my life. I spend every day angry and sad at what has become of my life. And I apologize to my 16 year old self everyday. I’ve also realized I have many half assed, bare minimum and toxic friends and family. So hooray for me. It’s so hard because there is so much that I want to do, so much that I wanted to be. And I had ambition and independence since I was a teenager. I even volunteered by myself in the summer of my sophomore year of high school for a food pantry when most kids at 15 were probably trying to find guys to have their first time with and get the newest clothes and electronics. 

Now I have all this damage, health conditions, and teeth and mouth trauma, all of which could’ve been avoided.

Life sucks.

#me #life #school #jobs #trauma

[husna-reads]

Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo

goodreads

rating: 4.75 / 5

i love everything about this book 

“six dangerous outcasts, one impossible heist. together they might just be unstoppable - if they don’t kill each other first.”

a story of mismatch people with haunting past, came together to do the impossible; infiltrate the impenetrable Ice Court and kidnap the scientist who created jurda parem, a stimulant that heightens a Grisha ability beyond their normal powers.

yes, this is a heist story.

the story sets in a universe called the Grishaverse. Grisha are people who practice Small Science; they can manipulate matter at its most fundamental level. basically, they have magic powers. example of Grisha are the Heartrenders, they can slow down your pulse, suck the air out of your lungs and sends you into a coma, all without touching you. the og series, the Shadow and Bones trilogy talks more about the Grishaverse and the world-building but i’m too lazy to read it huhu. 

the story is a character centered story. it is more on character building and exploring the characters’ upbringing and their view of the world they’re in. the plot of the story is not as fast paced as a normal heist story but the action is very detailed. the twists along the book also makes the story more engaging and not so monotonous. i don’t usually read heist related books but imagine how difficult it is to write an action packed and high risked heist in a book. so i think the author excel on making the story very thorough but still captivating. 

the story is told in alternate perspectives, mainly the main characters themselves: Kaz Brekker, Inej Ghafa, Jesper Fahey, Nina Zenik and Matthias Helvar. there’s no Wylan Van Eck's pov in the first book but there will be in the 2nd one. one of the reasons i like about the book was that the characters are so distinct from each other. often times when i read a book with multiple perspectives, i got so confused on whose thoughts am i reading. but this book has done a great job on differentiating the characters’ voices. 

“ a convict with a thirst for revenge, a sharpshooter who can’t walk away from a wager,  a runaway with privileged past,  a spy known as the Wraith,  a heartrender using her magic to survive the slums,  a thief with a gift for unlikely escapes.”

Kaz Brekker is a gang leader and a expert thief. people called him Dirtyhands. He’s selfish, greedy, manipulative and arrogant as hell but i am not shy to admit that i freaking love him. he’s smart, strong-willed but he’s broken. his dark past really took a toll on him and affects how he is in the present life. i wouldn’t say his past justifies his doings, but the traumatic events he experienced definitely messed him up. he’s also flawed, one of his leg is dead and he needs a cane to walk with. this imperfection really makes Kaz character seems very real. fun fact: the author has a bone illness called osteonecrosis which caused her to walk with a cane too! author representation, hell yeahh!!

Inej Ghafa is an acrobat and she often travels with her loving family to different cities to perform. but it all went down when she was taken by a slaver. i think you could guess what had happened to her before Kaz saves her from the hell she suffered through and gives her a job as a spy to collect information about his associates. i love Inej so much because she is so badass, brave and strong despite her emotional baggage. her desire to save people from going through the exact predicament she’d been through makes her so inspiring. 

Jesper Fahey is a university dropout who has gambling addiction. he’s witty and friendly but he’s reckless with his money. but he is not reckless with his pistols. his sharp aim makes him very valuable for the crew. amidst of his shortcomings, there’s more to him that what meets the eye. 

Nina Zenik is a heartrender and a former soldier recruiter for her country. on her journey to recruit her people, she was captured by a group of druskelle, Grisha hunters and was put in a cage of a ship with many other Grisha. along the way of her awaiting doom, a disaster struck and forced Nina and a certain druskelle (wink wink) to be stuck together. she’s fun, outspoken, beautiful and flirty but she once made a decision that caused her relationship. 

Matthias Helvar is a former druskelle that went to prison under a charge that he didn’t do. he’s been betrayed by a person that once meant something to him. now he wants to avenge himself to the person that sends him to the hellhole. he is a loyal Grisha hunter up until a situation that makes him questioned his loyalty and his believes. 

Wylan Van Eck is a powerful merchant’s son. he’s been raised in a wealthy and privileged life but he ran away from that life because of the weight of expectation. he’s talented, clever and a good demolition expert and an asset for the crew. i don’t much about him and his past but i am looking forward to read his thoughts. 

now can we talk about the romantic aspect of the story because it is so0oOo good !!!!

Kaz and Inej can have my soul.

“The ache in his lungs was unbearable. He needed to tell her ... what? That she was lovely and brave and better than anything he deserved. That he was twisted, crooked, wrong, but not so broken that he couldn’t pull himself together into some semblance of a man for her. That without meaning to, he’d begun to lean on her, to look for her, to need her near. He needed to thank her for his new hat.”

the romance wasn’t even a main aspect of the story pun. it was very subtle and not overbearing. that is what makes it so good. as the story is told in different perspectives, we can look into the characters’ mind on what their feelings for each other. the yearning and the wanting was written in such beautiful way that makes me soft for the pairings. 

“I will have you without armor, Kaz Brekker. Or I will not have you at all.”

my thoughts:

i now understand why this book was so famous and well loved, it truly deserved the hype. i personally LOVE this book, probably the best read of the year. i can’t wait to read the sequel but i am also scared to know what happen next, especially after the twist at the end of the book. there’s a third book in the making, so, i am definitely curious now. 

i'll be honest here, i tried to read the book back in 2018 but i only got to the first two chapters because i wasn’t feeling it and the terminologies of the Grishaverse was hard get through. i was lazy and dumb back then (still am though) and couldn’t just google the meanings. i am very disappointed on my past self.  

anyway, the reason why i didn't give it a 5/5 is really just a personal opinion. the story was great but i just wished the characters are older into their adulthood but in the story, they are just teenagers, 16 to 18 years old. there are some dark and traumatic scenes in the book that i wished a teen wouldn't go through. i know i could have just imagine that they're older in my head but still, it made me uncomfortable to read it. i just think the book is very dark for a teenage audience. if i were to read the book in 2015 when it first came out, i know would not liked it as much as i do now. 15 year old me would definitely not appreciate the concept, the character dynamics, the writing and the world-building as much as i do now. i was too uneducated and toya back then, so i am glad i read this in my 20s. 

all in all, it was perfect. i know for a fact that i will reread this book again again in the future. i would totally recommend this book to anyone who likes to read about the characters more that the plot. by the way, there will be a Netflix series adaptation on the Grishaverse!!!1 it’s called Shadow and Bones. it combines both the og series and Six of Crows series. i don’t know how that will work out but i can’t wait!!!!! god please let it be good. 

#book review #six of crows

[dramione84]

I feel I owe everyone who is currently waiting for an update on Bittersweet Athenaeum an explanation of sorts...

Life pretty much sucks 24/7.

Back in February I realised I was not coping with...well...anything. I was having a hard time adulting. so I went back to my GP who referred me to a psychiatrist who told me that my initial diagnosis of bipolar was incorrect and what I was actually suffering from was borderline personality disorder. Very similar but not the same.  Highs and lows but with other traits too. I was starting to lose my grip on a lot of things and consequently I lost dear friendships, and had some major life changes as well as making some pretty extreme life decisions. I bought a car on finance and then just four months later, when I thought things were starting to get better, I was involved in a pretty psychologically traumatic car accident.

Just prior to this my ex came back into my life and I'm still on the fence as to whether this is a good or a bad thing- now I understand more about BPD I know hes my favourite person who I idealise and devalue when I am splitting.  All things I have always done and never understood why, never mind had a label to put on or work towards building coping mechanisms for. We are currently not together but hes a major part of my life.

The summer has been difficult: add to all this the long drawn out process of dealing with the fallout of the accident (ranging from dealing with the police and the insurance to dealing with daily panic attacks and nightmares), leaving my job and going for one nearer home, losing the team I coach because of football politics (I gave up and let the male manager force me out) and practical problems like my laptop going to laptop heaven....I just have not been able to focus on anything.

My family have been amazingly supportive (apart from asking when I am going to start on the sequel to The Brotherhood!) and my amazing admin team at Dramione FanFiction Forum and The Slytherin Cabal have kept me from going completely around the twist, even when I thought sectioning might be my only hope for any kind of stability and have kept everything going despite the fact that I have been a pretty shit leader.

The last time I had a breakdown like this I almost stopped writing under this penname and created another which also has two WIPs. So I essentially have three stories on hiatus and a sequel to write. Nano is round the corner and I am trying so hard not to back out because I know everyone is needing the next update.  At my disability assessment the nurse commented that I “seem to be hanging on for dear life” and well, if only she knew how true that was.  But I promise nothing I am writing is abandoned, I just need time to get back into some sort of rhythm. Hence my newest Flintwood One Shot, Football Practice. I plan on writing the odd drabble and one shot to get back into the feel of my writing because I feel that anything else would be half baked and BA is just too important to me to do that to. I hope you all understand and bare with me.

D84 x

#Update #BittersweetAthenaeum #Dramione84 #HpFanFiction #FanFiction

[odogaronfang]

Do 10-20 with one of ur ocs

I did 3…… no one can stop me…… ((pls ask me more I love talking about my children))Two are brothers, Leo and Tobias Valindra is .. herself

10. Two or more fictional characters they’re similar to? honestly I….. can’t think of any? Not sure if it’s my bad memory or if it’s a sign I make unique characters though (likely the former) Well actually Tobias kinda reminds me of aziraphale from good omens…… and Leo is a little like Crowley, also from good omens…….

11. What is one strange hobby/talent they have?

Well….. lets see…… idk if they’re strange but -Valindra lives on the beach, so she likes to make stained glass art out of seaglass, and she’s actually pretty good at it (she’s working on driftwood carvings) -leo can eat like 30 tubs of whipped cream in one sitting, if that counts as a talent (it’s probably a hobby too tbh)-Tobias … hm. I don’t know if it’s strange, and maybe it’s because he’s An Actual Dad™, but he can and will make a pun out of literally anything

12. Five songs that fit them: Jesus uhI may not reach five for them lmaoo

Leo: -my whole family by bo burnham (I’m counting comedy songs too shhhh)-independent woman by destiny’s child tbh-that I Declare War- Ms Jay Karan Pendavis thing; a friend showed it to me and my two immediate thoughts were ‘ghirahim’ and ‘leo’ -tbh… Girls/Girls/Boys by Panic! At the Disco, but mostly because of the 'but I don’t wanna be your boyfriend’ parts bc he’s aro-maybe Casual Affair by Panic! At the Disco

Tobias: - kind of When I Get Home You’re So Dead by Mayday Parade, his stupid ex wife cheated on him but she’s dead now so :)- tbh Separate Ways (Worlds Apart) by Journey, kind of for the same reason, though less directly connected? -Just One Yesterday by Fall Out Boy tbh fits,-Ballad of Mona Lisa by Panic! At the Disco too-Carry On Wayward Son by Kansas, in relation to his son lmao

Valindra: -mmmm kinda Bad Guy by Set It Off, at least for a portion of her story-Graveyard Whistling by Nothing But Thieves-Neon Brother by Nothing But Thieves -maybe When It Was Now by Atlas Genius -Friends With Enemies by Atlas Genius, too

(Skipping 13 bc I don’t know anything about actors/celebrities at all, ever)

14. Do they just want to rest?

-Leo; no man he’s got things to do. Parties to attend. Whipped cream to eat. (People to screw.)-Tobias; yes. Please god yes let this poor father have a nap he is Tired -Valindra; mmm at the beginning no, but as her arc continues yes let her lie down with her dragon and sleep

15. Which OC did not sign up for this?

….all three of them….?-Leo just wanted to visit his big brother Toby he didn’t want to end up on this crazy journey -Tobias didn’t want to end up on the crazy journey he just wanted to take a poor traumatized kid under his wing -Valindra just wanted a normal life she didn’t want to be a catalyst, instead she got made into a Spy™ against her will (@myself leave my ace daughter alone)

16. Who’s their favorite person? -Leo’s favorite person is tbh Tobias. Tobias is his Big Brother™ and like yeah he’s got friends, but none as close as Big Bro, and he’s aro so no romantic partner to worry about here -Tobias’s favorite person is his son like there’s absolutely no question of it, they’ve been through a lot of shit together including the Abusive Lying Cheating Shit Kaelynn, aka Dead Woman Walking-Valindras favorite person used to be her bff Ashryn, but once he became a jerk she turned to their leader Kethryllia, but it later settles to her (future gf) Talli (actually another friend’s character ;) @theshiningmaid)

17. Who do you ship them with? -no ones with Leo. He’s aro. -I ship Tobias with this guy Nathan, since he’s yknow, bisexual,, they’re both nerds and dorks and cute so it works out well -Valindra I ship with Talli (wink wink friend) bc they’re gay asf

18. Have they experienced the death of a loved one? -mmm Leo, kinda, his and Tobias’s parents, but they were awful parents so he didn’t rly love them. -Tobias experiences the death of his parents (again it didn’t matter much to him tho, they were awful), and also his wife Kaelynn, but she’s abusive and cheats on him so like…. who cares lol-Valindra, ye, her ex-best-friend Ashryn dies and even though she’s cut ties with him it still sucks to see her best friend from childhood bite the dust

19. Have they ever been tortured? -no unless u mean by some idiot person not getting that he’s aro-Tobias very nearly escaped torture. Death was his original destiny but then I loved him too much -Valindra has, yes, a decent amount of it, im sorry my sweet ace child I promise I love you

20. What’s the worst thing you’ve done to them without spoiling anything?-uhh Leo is a blessed child he does not suffer the worst thing that’s ever happened to him was getting hit on by some creepy dude or that time when he was 9 that Tobias didn’t let him have extra whipped cream on his vanilla bean frap-well there’s … quite a few things here, but I think the worst thing I’ve done to Tobias, in his in-character opinion mightve been the time he was convinced his son was dead?? No details but he was Ready to Die™-well I can’t give details but uh…. she had to make a very difficult decision concerning her dragon…….

Valindra is a character from a book I’m writing, Tobias and Leo came from a not-entirely-original one (id call it fanfic but it’s gotten out of hand)

#it won't let me tag her but Talli is theshiningmaid's OC #she's beautiful and perfect #both Talli and theshiningmaid ;)) #pls ask me more OC stuff im love it #skye answers #OCs #Tobias #Leo #Valindra #:))) they have tags now :'))

[missroxieanne-blog]

Thought Dump.

My relationship with my mom is really difficult for me to handle. I do love my mom very much and I sympathize with her issues because I know she is mentally ill. Then I feel like I absolutely cannot forgive her for the way she treated me growing up. She abused me. She harmed my self image. She was purposely cruel and derogatory towards me.

My mother held a knife pointed at my chest while I was cornered on my bed when I was 16. Why? Because I hadn't put my laundry away yet and she demanded it be done now. Then she got a knife and went to cut up the few clothes I even owned growing up because she said if didn't care enough to put them away, I didn't need to have them. I began stopping her and that's why I ended up with a knife pointed at my chest while I pleaded for her to stop. The look in her eyes I will never forget. They were so deranged. I eventually got her to leave by kicking her as hard as I could in the stomach, dragging her out of my bedroom, locking the door and then fleeing out my bedroom window. I ran two miles to my friend's house where I stayed for the weekend. I was traumatized. I will forever love her and her family for taking me in when I needed safety.

I don't think I would be where I am today if it weren't for my many safe spaces to go when I needed to escape.

I ran away from home when I was 15. I was constantly sneaking out and just.... Walking. Everywhere. I went wherever I wanted. To the lake. To my friends. To the park. I always wanted to just get away. I never cared where I ended up. Which meant I ended up in dangerous situations.

Like getting in a car with my boyfriend at the time and his friend after they had snorted ambien and fearing for my life as they swerved repeatedly in traffic. Or when I was present for a drug deal gone bad when the dealer pointed a gun at my boyfriend. I was so scared but... I allowed myself to get in that situation simply because I didn't fucking care. My life sucked and I felt like nothing could make it worse.

My mom would do things to hurt me on purpose. Like calling me a slut, a whore, stupid, fat, ugly, you name it - she probably said it. Obviously those things are very damaging coming from your mother when you're a young teenage girl trying so hard to just figure out how to navigate life. I struggled in school. I struggled with friends. I needed help. And she just twisted the way I thought.

And then my dad made me feel like my voice had to be silenced. He made me feel like my voice had no power, no purpose. So I never felt like I had a platform to ask for help. I was stuck.

I do have fond memories of growing up but those memories are mostly of my cousins and my friends. Mostly all my very clear memories of my parents are negative.

When my mom found out that I had been cutting myself while in the bathtub when I was 15, she yelled at me and called me ungrateful, ignorant, stupid and dramatic. She immediately called her friends to gossip to them and I could hear every word. "what does she have to be so damm sad about?", "She just wants attention and is being dramatic." She wasn't concerned, she didn't ask why, she didn't HELP ME. I hated her so much.

She was so horribly mean. The verbal abuse was nothing compared to the physical assaults. She threw my aunt over a porch by her hair and beat her up in front of me because my mom wanted me to come home and my aunt asked if I could stay and help my cousins clean up our mess first. She would constantly hit me, pull my ear, pull my hair, slap me, pinch me, push me. I was very cautious around her in my younger teen years because I was more scared of her than I was fed up with her.

She would do shit like this to me and then she would turn around and hug me, tell me she was so sorry and that she loves me so much and I'm all she has in our house and I keep her going. I was so confused about my relationship with her.

And my dad allowed it to happen. He didn't help. He never said a word. I suffered by their hands and they simply did not care enough.

My mom put effort in to do good and be helpful and kind but there was always the flip side of her that would sneak out and fuck you up.

Before I left and moved to Utah, I had finally stood up for myself and broke up with Ken. I felt so powerful after finally just... Leaving Ken after he had continuously cheated on me, talked down to me, raped me, and controlled me. I felt like I had shed my skin, my heart, my soul and started new. I was so fucking happy.

Then came Tyler. I had a crush on Tyler from 3rd grade throughout middle school and high school. So it was kind of my 18 year old selfs dream. He was the popular class clown sweetheart and he knew me and was nice, unlike any other guy I was around. He was really good friends with Kendra and Josh was his best friend so Gabbi always hung out with him in high school. He was freshly out of a 2 year relationship and wasn't quite over her yet either.

I believe that Tyler was a crucial person for me to be with to help me heal, and learn that I can have fun, be wild, be free and just... Be me again. I didn't love him and he didn't love me but I think we helped each other. He encouraged me to move to Utah and told me I needed to get out of my comfort zone and just get away from my parents. He knew how awful they were. He held me the night my mom beat the shit out of me because I told her that I couldn't wait to get the fuck away from her because she had been calling me a whore for seeing Tyler. Once he knew my roots he supported me in moving to live with my sister. I needed that.

I finally moved away at 18. On very bad terms with my mother. She slapped me across the face when I told her I was moving out. And I had finally had enough.

The day I moved, my mom was all crocodile tears and woe is me, I'll be all alone, I can't believe you're really leaving. She really put on the show of devastation. So when I was finally gone in August of 2012, I didn't talk to her until December 2012. I was hired for two jobs, I was with my family and people who love me, I was getting out of my comfort zone, I dated around a little. I was exploring my year of being 18. I was having fun and I wasn't serious about anything.

And then I met Jesse. And all of the things I had escaped melted away from my mind. I knew that every awful, terrible thing I endured led me to him. And every loving, generous and good thing to happen to me helped me be the woman I am for him.

And I look around myself now and I am so... In love, at peace, and I am finally truly home and truly free. I am so proud of our life and happy. I am always brushing away tears when I think about how grateful, in love and happy Jesse makes me. He is all I've ever wanted and needed.

We are such a powerful team and I've never felt such a deep love for another person. He is mine and he has always been mine. I just needed to battle my way to him. I got to him pretty beat up but he helped me wrap my wounds and taught me how to carry myself again.

I am so excited for when it is our time for our family to start. I am going to feel like exploding with love watching him be a daddy and supporting me in being a good mommy. I know we will not harm our babies the way our parents harmed us. I know we will be good leaders. I just know it deep down in my bones that we will be good parents that raise good, happy kids.

Since all of these things happened when I moved and took a leap in changing my life, my mom and I have an okay relationship for the most part. She has struggled with endless medical issues, issues with dad, and her mental stability. We have stopped speaking several times from 2012 to now. I have not spoken to her in about a month now. I distance myself from her because I still have such a hard time with not remembering her hurting me. But then, I also love her very much and don't want her to suffer or have no helpful resources available to her. So the inner turmoil inside me is out of control.

I know that it's my "traditional" responsibility is to take care of her now that she is so sick. But how? And why? Simply because she gave birth to me? I stopped talking to my father and cut my ties to him and it's not this hard for me to deal with. So why is it so hard to do that with my mom? I don't know. I am conflicted frequently about my relationship with my mom. I love her and hate her all at the same time and I wish we could have been a normal mother and daughter. I wish I didn't feel conflicted about loving her through her illness despite all that she did to me.