#hopefully these are actually readable as the characters they are supposed to be to other people than me lmao

[neymiiie]

Eyes of the SEES members ~

I’ve always admired artstyles where every character has super unique and recognizable vibes, so decided to try it with the gang. Super fun, highly recommend!

In the process of designing these I developed headcanons for each of their eyes, kind weird but if you want to read me ranting about why I drew Yukaris pupils a certain way or whatever, feel free to click read more lol.

Makoto: I wanted him to look tired, so a lot of his eyelashes go downward instead of upwards, also eye bags because he has insomnia and you can’t convince me otherwise. I didn’t want his eyes to look hollow/empty, but I didn’t want to put super obvious highlights and I think it works? Idk. Also drew his eyes in a way that reminds me of the ocean at night (Atlus gave me a ocean/water motif and I run with it ok?). His eyebrows are kinda “messy” in comparison to the others but I think it makes his eyes prettier so it is in character to me.

Yukari: I wanted her eyes to look a little more intense and turned them a little to give them a slightly “angry look”. Yukari should have a light case of rbf imo. I feel like Yukari puts a lot of effort into her appearance, and she probably wears more makeup but I cannot draw that to save my life lmao. Her eyebrows are probably the least messy other than Mitsurus, for the same reason as the previous one. Also hard to tell, but I put hearts in her pupils because it’s cute. Really proud of these ones, they read like hers so well to me.

Junpei: Junpeis eyes were so fun to draw! I feel like he’d have pretty short lashes and slightly smaller eyes, but still very vibrant! I really wanted his eyes to look full of life but still pretty simple, and I think I did pretty well! They feel very expressive to me. Also I feel like he’d have naturally very thin eyebrows, so gave him that lol.

Akihiko: idk how I feel about these, but I guess they’re alright? Gave him a kinda intense stare ig. I gave him really long natural eyelashes because I feel like he’d have them (canonical pretty boy that he is) and I’m somewhat proud of them because I stuggle with making longer eyelashes look masculine so guess this is a win. Gave him an eyebrow slit because I was so sure he had one in p4arena only to find out he didn’t even have eyebrows in it. What.

Fuuka: I feel like Fuukas neutral expression would still look slightly confused/concerns so her eyes are a little droopy. Gave her short but thick eyebrows because I thought it would be cute. Her eyes kinda remind me of rain and I like that! Also sidenote love the fact that official art draws fuuka with teal eyebrows. The implication that she was either born with teal hair or is so dedicated to the dye job she even dyed her eyebrows is hilarious to me. I know blue is treated as a normal hair color in persona-universe but Fuuka is literally the only one with teal hair how is it not dyed but yosuke and chies is??

Mitsuru: I wanted Mitsuru to be pretty. I gave her thinner but crisp eyebrows and eyeliner. I was a little worried because before I started shading her eyes looked kinda evil?? Lol but they turned out better in the end. Didn’t do a lot of details in her eyes because it felt like it worked better that way, but gave her bright highlights in her eyes to make up for it.

Aigis: These are my least favorite, and the first ones I did. Not sure if thats awful, because I wanted them to be very different from the rest. I feel like Aigis doesn’t actually have this wide eyes but willingly widens them so you can see the whole iris. I feel like her eyes would look more normal at a distance, and most of her classmates just assume she’s got weird eyes because they’re an uncommon eye color (major “give her brown contacts please” energy). Made her eyes look like does target-thingys and slightly plastic-y.

Ken: I didn’t want his eyes to be to bright, but still lively and childish. I gave him round wide eyes + smaller and thicker eyebrows to give a more childish feel. His eyelashes are pretty short but made them point more downwards since they looked too cheerful when turned upwards.

Shinjiro: dunno how readable these are as shinji, but theyre fine. Made his eyes very dark and put bright highlights cause I thought it looked better than the grey he actually has. Also gave him major eyebags because man has not had a good nights rest since like. Last October (sorry)

#persona #persona 3 #p3 #aigis #makoto yuki #yukari takeba #junpei iori #akihiko sanada #fuuka yamagishi #mitsuru kirijo #ken amada #shinjiro aragaki #minato arisato #fanart #artists on tumblr #beating same face syndrome one body part at a time: #hopefully these are actually readable as the characters they are supposed to be to other people than me lmao

[ju-ji]

This is not the thought I had when I started writing this post but I think, in retrospect, last twilight was never as magical as I once thought, and furthermore I think that the magic was actually jimmy and sea the whole time. I would maintain that the story started off strong and the blossoming romance was extremely well executed, but there were always flaws in the writing and it was always shown that day had a lot of work to do and. well. wasn’t doing it. I don’t think I was picking up on it because sea made day so unbelievably endearing even as a supposed asshole that I either didn’t notice the red flags or ignored them. You have to understand, I was not a jimmy nor sea nor jimmysea fan before I started watching last twilight. I had not already seen vice versa and wai was so long ago that I don’t even remember having an opinion of him. I had never heard of the first show sea was in. I had not been anticipating this show since the pilot trailer and wasn’t even planning to watch it. I didn’t watch it when it came out. I think I waited like two weeks before I started it. I went into it with no feelings about jimmysea, I had seen criticism of jimmy’s previous performances and I didn’t know anything about sea other than him being jimmy’s branded partner so if anything I was… prepared for them to not do all that well. I wasn’t expecting much I guess. This is the first time I put on my clown makeup. Like I said, sea as day was so endearing to me from pretty early on, maybe not ep 1 but by ep 3 I was like that’s my baby!!! I don’t know why or how but he made me fall in love with day so bad, and nothing day did (until… u know….) ever made me love him less. I really can’t describe what about him I found so lovable especially when he was definitely an asshole and wouldn’t stop with the “u have zero tenderness in your body” nonsense lmao. I think sea just has some je ne sais quoi about him or something that’s like captivating. I did watch vice versa at some point while last twilight was airing and I found talay endearing too. Even though he was more mature or like. didn’t have such a spoiled baby quality to him, so I think it’s just something about sea idk. Hell I’m already endeared to his character in the trainee from bts footage and promo pics alone 😭 ok hopefully point made bc this post is already really long and I have a lot more to say lmao.

*I promise I know how to write proper paragraphs I just am trying to type what I wanna say before my brain moves on to a new thought lmao but let me give a line break for readability*

Let me try to talk about jimmy without waxing poetic. I had pretty low expectations for him bc I had seen ppl criticize his work before so how did I end up loving him so bad!!! The answer is he’s just good at what he does!!! Was he always this good? I didn’t have any qualms about his performance as puen and I can’t remember wai. I think he was also a minor character in enchante but I didn’t watch that. Anyway, if he used to suck he doesn’t anymore!! His growth is especially impressive bc acting isn’t even his main profession!!! I don’t want to harp a lot on why last twilight disappointed me bc I want this to be a jimmysea appreciation post first and foremost but the problem with mhok that jimmy obfuscated was he really didn’t have much to him. He had a tragic backstory that was never fully explored but aside from that it was just day on the brain all day every day how can I serve day how can I help day how can I care for day how can I make day smile like girl stand up 😭 jimmy somehow managed to make mhok (to me but I’m biased) the most compelling character in the show with just his eyes!!! His eyes held SO MUCH EMOTION that it made mhok feel like a much more substantial character than he ended up being. Trying to be short and to the point now bc this is getting out of hand but I want jimmy on my screen forever, he is so special to me!!!

Last point: mhok and day did not have en equal or super healthy relationship so why did it hurt sooo bad when they broke up? Again, it was jimmysea magic masking the flaws. The chemistry was undeniable and they seemed so in love! They were always so happy to be together that you almost didn’t notice how one sided their relationship was becoming. Their comfort in each other was so real and believable bc evidently that’s not acting! It’s clear that jimmy and sea enjoy their paired roles and enjoy working together in general. I’m not thinking of anyone in particular but I don’t think all pairs could sell this natural comfort as effortlessly bc they are not…. this naturally comfortable together lmao. Jimmysea’s innate charms are exponentially amplified when they are together. I firmly believe that if jimmy wasn’t mhok and sea wasn’t day then last twilight would not have been this loved (until it got to where not even jimmysea magic could salvage it 😭)

TLDR it was jimmysea magic that masked last twilight’s flaws so well that we were dumbfounded by that ending

#I got really into this and sorta ran out of steam #I started writing a totally different post but ended up rewriting it entirely once I realized the magic of LT was jimmysea all along #and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t 11:00 when I started it…… it’s 12:15 now 😭😭😭 #also I see that I was like jimmy and sea are so special bc they’re just special but I’m hoping you get it #I might elaborate on this after sleeping on it idk #jimmysea #last twilight #also I have a bandaid on my thumb and typed this whole post on my phone so this was incredibly frustrating to write :))))) #anyway. they are so important to me!!!!!

[chloedrewitt]

Book Review: "The Scarlet Veil" by Shelby Mahurin

Spoiler-free

Genre: young adult, fantasy • Triggers: trauma, death, graphic descriptions of corpses, kidnapping, blood, misogyny, murder • Year of Publication: 2023

Plot: ★★★★

Characters: ★★★★

Writing Style: ★★

Re-Readability: ★★★

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General Thoughts

During the first half of this book I thought I would end up disliking it, and was very disappointed because I have been looking for an aristocratic vampire romance for ages. Not reverse-harm, not vampire warrior, no, the actual aristocratic-long-hair-wine-glass-in-hand-elegant vampire one might associate with figures like Carmilla and Dracula. This is also the main reason I did not DNF this, and I'm really glad I gave it a chance, because it ended up getting better the further I got and had me at the edge of my seat toward the ending.

I do wanna say that I have not read Serpent & Dove and although this is a spin-off with the same characters (just a different one taking on the role as MC), I understood everything I needed to. So, in my opinion, reading the Serpent & Dove trilogy is not necessary in order to read this. Sure, you might not have as much of a connection with the characters when you begin to read, but everything that's relevant to the story is explained quite nicely in my opinion. Now, moving on to the actual review.

Plot

The plot is a murder mystery. Bodies of supernatural beings turn up with two puncture wounds in their throats. Without getting into spoiler territory, I can say that the plot is very interesting and has some nice twists in there, too. You will definitely be entertained by it if you enjoy this sort of thing.

Celie being kidnapped and brought to the vampire castle is a scenario I also enjoyed reading. There was a bit of an enemies-to-lovers dynamic going on at times, since Celie, our MC, justifiably disliked Michal, the vampire king, in the beginning. Yes, I know that being kidnapped and then falling for your kidnapper is somewhat problematic but really, this is fiction and YA (not a dark romance). Celie was not actually treated like a real prisoner, and that only progressed further as the story went on; she was dressed in beautiful gowns, walked around the castle grounds and island, and even went on an undercover mission with Michal at a brothel *ahem*.

Also, if authors tried making every fictional scenario inherently healthy and unproblematic I'd die of boredom. I want that in real life, not my books x). But I digress.

Characters

I really disliked Celie in the beginning. Her actions and internal monologue felt juvenile, to the point where I seriously struggled to believe she was 19 and not, say, 15. I understand that she was supposed to be this soft, feminine and lady-like character and this is actually a character type I'd like to see more of, as feminity is often demonized and seen as weak by readers. However, it wasn't Celie's "lady-like" personality I had an issue with, but how she felt infantilized sometimes. The other characters kept her entirely separate from any plans they made, even if she was directly involved in one of the murders since she found the body. This is a good idea, but the execution made it feel like "go away, the adults are talking" instead of "she is too traumatized to take part in this", which is what I believe Mahurin was going for. It is also easier to believe the former due to Célie's often childish behavior and reactions. You can be soft and feminine but still behave a bit more maturely, which is what I would have hoped for her. Still, her character development was fairly satisfying. She still has a long way to go, I think, and I am looking forward to hopefully seeing that develop in book two.

Michal is a character I hope to see Mahurin elaborate on more. We don't know that much about him yet, so it is really hard to judge. He states at some point, and this is no way a spoiler (honestly, it felt kind of random for him to say it), that he is afraid of love. Why? What happened for him to develop that fear? So far I can say that I love how he has a very ruthless and violent side, but can also be extremely caring and sweet at the same time.

I also loved the side characters, at least the vampire ones, Odessa and Dimitri. Especially Odessa. I cannot say much for the Serpent & Dove characters because they mostly appear in the first section of the book, which is exactly the section I disliked.

In general, I enjoyed the characters. I'm giving four out of five stars, though, because as I said before, I think Célie's character could have handled a bit more maturely in the beginning, especially since she was supposed to be 19.

Writing Style

As always, this is entirely subjective but I include this part in my reviews since writing styles have made or broken books for me, and I would like to offer those interested in the books insights into the style before buying it, so you can decide for yourself if this is something you'd enjoy reading.

Oh boy. I didn't really like it, I fear. Firstly, the narrator is a first-person present tense which is already not my favorite combination, but it is easy to overlook really. The main issues I had were t-t-the c-c-onstant s-stuttering l-like this. It was wholly unnecessary in my opinion and widely overused. I also think we have been past this in publishing and established that there are better ways to write stuttering t-than t-t-this. There are stuttering writing guides online. I actually loved the fact Celie stuttered, since it showed her character development very well, I just wish the stuttering had been written differently.

Secondly, the constant italicization of words for emphasis got on my nerves, too. Using it sometimes is totally valid, but I swear there was not one page without at least four or five italicized words for emphasis, and that's not even counting the constant repetition of sentences that had already been said at some point before, just so the reader doesn't forget anything. Those were also in italics, of course.

Overall, this improved toward the end of the book, though. Celie's stuttering ceased and so did the italicization for emphasis (mostly). Still, this is something that annoyed me a tremendous amount and one of the reasons why it was so hard for me to get through the first part of the book, hence the two stars.

Re-Readability

I think this book can definitely be re-read. Especially if you enjoyed the romance scenes between Michal and Celie, like I did. However, keep in mind this book has about 620 pages so it is not short by any means. Also, I would probably skip the first part of the book if I ever re-read it and jump straight into Celie arriving in Requiem.

Conclusion

In essence, I enjoyed this book. It was exactly what I was looking for in terms of vampire romance, but it also pulled me right into the story and I am very excited to see what will happen in book two, especially after that ending. I don't think I will pick up Serpent & Dove, however, since the story of that trilogy doesn't peak my interest as much.

#book review #YA #the scarlet veil #celie tremblay #michal vasiliev #serpent and dove #serpent & dove #booktok #shelby mahurin #book reviews #books #fantasy #fantasy romance #vampire romance #vampire book rec

[itsclydebitches]

I kinda wonder, what could bakugou do (hori write bakugou to do) to make him less popular with the "anti" crowd. Like He was a horrid child no doubt and people who try to put blame on Deku or lessen the terrible shit bakugou did aren't great. But as we don't rly see it, we have to assume bakugous behaviour wasn't stopped, we only ever saw his mum "punishing" him when he was being rude after getting kiddnapped. Nothing will excuse what bakugou did, but he has stopped? He's overall a harsh person but he's not harrassing and bullying people anymore, specifically not deku, he's trying to attone for what he did to deku and has now apologised for it. His behaviour was never viewed as justified or good in the series, he's a scary figure in middle school, we're not meant to like his behaviour, so the series itself hasn't justified his actions.

As someone who relate to both bakugou and deku more than I'd like to admit (never told someone to jump tho, that's fucked lol) so I can 100% understand not liking or even hating bakugou but as someone who's not 15 anymore, looking back I also made a lot of really shitty decisions and like bakugou have tried to make up for it, and like deku I was 'friends' with people who hurt me.

Is there anything he can do for the "antis" to just dislike him rather that be "anti"?

(I'm very sorry if you've talked about this somewhere, you can just tell me to look for it if you have, I'll continue to look for your posts on the subject)

Hey there, anon! I think I’ve spoken about this only tangentially and/or in my main Bakugo meta, which is too big for anyone sane to read. So yeah, let’s chat here!

For me personally—and that’s all I can ever do: speak personally. I think it’s important to keep in mind that there is no single solution to please the “anti” crowd. Each fan will be looking for something slightly different in Bakugo’s character, much of which might contradict what a “stan” is currently enjoying. Given how charged a character he is, I'm not sure it's possible to get the entire fandom to like him—what I’m looking for hinges on having a different reading of the story than you seem to. Meaning, I think the series does justify his behavior. Not in any overt, super obvious way like having all the characters go, “Wow, Bakugo! I sure do love how you threaten people all the time. That’s super cool and heroic!” Things are rarely that straightforward. Rather, it’s in a more subtle, but consistent manner that paints a rather conclusive picture across hundreds of chapters.

Simply put, Bakugo is continually rewarded for his actions. Or, if not outright rewarded, his actions are ignored in a way that implies silent acceptance. Characters may not always like what he does... but they're willing to let it slide because Bakugo's heroism was always treated as a given, not something he had to earn and prove.

With the ever necessary disclaimer that I’m not fully caught up yet, here’s a list of some of the things that stood out to me in the first half of the series:

Bakugo’s bullying made him the most popular kid in school.

Bakugo’s bullying was ignored by/outright supported by the teachers.

Bakugo’s bullying did not hinder him from getting into U.A., one of the most prestigious hero schools around.

Despite acting horribly throughout his time at U.A. too, this behavior was continually ignored by the teachers and other authority figures around him.

Bakugo’s struggle to realize that other people aren’t “trash” doesn’t hurt his achievements in any way. He still gets top scores, still wins the tournament, etc.

Bakugo’s behavior gets him special attention from All Might, the greatest hero and Bakugo’s personal idol.

His behavior doesn’t make others dislike him in any manner that’s taken seriously. Everybody is still willing to not just put up with Bakugo, but—in time—start treating his behavior as a quirk (no pun intended lol) that they’re secretly fond of, rather than something he should legitimately be striving to change. Kirishima is the most overt example of this.

This is compounded by his behavior constantly being framed as humorous. Much like with Mineta’s perverted actions, characters might superficially go, “No, that’s bad!” but the story never demands any significant development because then we’d lose the “joke” of Bakugo screaming in rage at the slightest inconvenience, threatening to murder someone over nothing, constantly belittling everyone around him in a “funny” manner, etc. When fans talk about development of a manga character as archetypal and extreme as Bakugo, most don’t really want to see significant change to his base personality. Because then that would result in someone who doesn’t look like the “real” Bakugo: someone nicer, more even-tempered, more mature, etc. But for those of us who were never drawn to that personality in the first place, the continued acceptance of his rude, egotistical, and violent behavior is discomforting. The easiest comparison I can draw is between this and Bakugo’s mother slapping him. That slap is meant to be another “joke”—we see it constantly in shonen anime, something "humorous" you shouldn’t take too seriously because haha, it's just an overprotective mother—but many fans do take it seriously, using it as the basis for a whole “Bakugo was abused and this explains his behavior” reading. Well, I take the “joke” of Bakugo’s threats and insults seriously, especially in a story that starts with something like telling Izuku to jump off the roof. In the same way that many fans want others to treat Bakugo’s mother as a serious topic that has had a negative influence on his development, I want the series to take Bakugo’s everyday actions seriously as a negative influence on… well, everyone around him. But it doesn’t. His base personality is grudgingly adored.

The above two points are seen most overtly in Izuku, who never wavers in his respect for Bakugo despite how Bakugo treats him. Not just prior to U.A., but during their training too. Izuku, as the protagonist, is the emotional heart of this tale, so when he talks about how inspiring Bakugo is, it encourages the reader to see his behavior as inspiring too. Rather than, as said, something that needs to change. Izuku's continued friendship with Bakugo, his adoration of him, and his acceptance of the way he's treated has severely warped how the entire story sees Bakugo's actions. After all, if #pure Izuku can see the good in Bakugo, why can't everyone else? He must not be that bad after all.

I could get into detailed analyses of all the above—like how Bakugo was the one comforted after attacking Izuku outside the dorms at night and how the messed up relationship he has with Izuku is upheld as something to nurture; how the remedial courses he had to take were made to be rather silly, thereby undermining their supposed importance to his development; how Bakugo’s kidnapping had nothing to do with his flaws, but much of the fandom uses it as a way to dismiss any appropriate consequences because, “Hasn’t he suffered enough?” etc.—but in the interest of keeping this within a readable length, I’ll leave it at that. The point is that Bakugo has always been privileged when it comes to his behavior, resulting in others either outright praising it, ignoring it, or demanding that he change a miniscule bit, which always keeps him far below the standards of both his peers and the expectations of a hero. Everyone in 1-A must learn to be even better than the good people they already are... Bakugo needs to learn that other people aren't dirt at the bottom of his shoes. It's never been a particularly impressive development when pit against the rest of the class. All of which can make something like an apology feel pretty hollow. Yes, he’s apologized and I say with all seriousness that that’s great! But how does that apology stack up against 300+ chapters of content? As Bakugo’s words highlight, he's been a really awful person up "until now": he was consumed by Izuku being “miles ahead of [him],” he “looked down on [him]” because he didn’t have a quirk, he “didn’t want to recognize that,” he “hated that,” “grew distant,” “tried to beat you down,” “opposed you and tried to show my superiority over you,” and ends it all with, “it probably doesn’t mean anything telling you all this” before finally getting to the “I’m sorry.” This is basically a laundry list of how horrible a person Bakugo has been for the entire series, with an acknowledgement that this apology is coming really, really late. This is the moment where I could START to like Bakugo, depending on how he acts form here on out, but that pivotal moment arrived after six years of content and in the final arc of the story. It’s too late. Bakugo needed this kind of self-reflection and positive action 250+ chapters ago so he could (hopefully) grow into a better person across the story, not at the story's end. What we got instead is 322 chapters of him being a really horrible person, but the story going out of its way to excuse or even praise that behavior the majority of the time.

As a quick comparison to end on, I think what Bakugo needed was what Soo Jin got in True Beauty. You don’t need to have seen the drama to follow along. The tl;dr is that she has a lot of the core qualities of Bakugo: an all-consuming drive to win that was created due to abusive parents with high expectations, resulting in her bullying a peer to a pretty horrific extent. The difference between them is how the story frames their actions. When Soo Jin becomes the bully she loses everything. Rather than succeeding academically, her grades plummet, making it clear that this anxiety and self-doubt (things the fandom keeps insisting Bakugo is struggling with, but that rarely ever show up in the text) is actually impacting her day-to-day life. Her best friend drops her because she’s not going to support her choices. The boy she likes rejects her. She’s eventually forced to start over somewhere new - which importantly separates her from the girl she was bullying - and get some distance from her parents, resulting in the growth needed to become a healthier, happier, good person again. So when Soo Jin apologizes to the girl she hurt, it feels earned. The story continually recognized how horrific her actions were and put her into a place where she either had to change, or continue losing at everything else that was important to her. Bakugo? Bakugo doesn’t lose. Oh, he claims he does because he’s comparing himself to Izuku constantly, but that’s just him thinking in extremes. He still wins academically. Still wins many battles. Still wins at having friends. Still wins by maintaining the prestige of being a U.A. student. Still wins by getting All Might’s attention. Still wins by receiving Izuku’s respect and an agreement to maintain this rivalry that Bakugo is so obsessed with. Bakugo comes out well 99% of the time, he just thinks he's "lost" because he can't stand not being the absolute best.

For me, the story needed to have Bakugo face consequences for his behavior, not receive rewards and/or have others ignore it, and that revelation/apology needed to come way, way sooner. For me the issue is not a specific action that Horikoshi can have Bakugo do in the next chapter and them bam, I like him now. The problem is Bakugo’s entire concept, how he’s received by the entire cast, and his run across this entire series. "Entire" is the key word there. Which is why the “But he’s apologized. What more do you antis want?” reactions don’t sit well. What we wanted is a better written redemption arc across those 300+ chapters, not a single scene that’s meant to have us forget all the other problems inherent in the story. At this point it’s a far more complicated situation than, “Bakugo just needs to do X, Y, and Z and then we’re golden.” At the end of the day, Horikoshi failed to make me like him as a person and I’m pretty sure he isn’t going to change Bakugo enough to make him likable to me. Bakugo was never the sort of character I’d be inclined towards without a serious, nuanced redemption arc, but sadly, a core, crucial part of that redemption arc took six years to arrive. At this point there’s no way to change the problems in Bakugo’s writing for that huge chunk of the series and not enough time left in the series, it seems, to do the work we should have seen across the entire run. Honestly, idk if the Bakugo we'll get going forward is someone I can just dislike as opposed to being really uncomfortable with, but my money is on there being too little story left and too much investment in upholding Bakugo's base personality for that to happen. I could absolutely be proven wrong! But I think the problems are structural and needed to be better dealt with from page one, not hastily patched over in the final hour.

#BNHA #My Hero Academia #anti bakugo

[screechthemighty]

I can’t think of a title for this, and therefore feel weird posting it to AO3, but I also didn’t write over 1k words of Caustic getting dunked on not to share it, so...here’s a thing I wrote. Maybe I’ll post it to AO3 later if I can think of something for a title. Also, this is the closest to writing something canon-compliant you will ever see me write.

CW: Racism/xenophobia, character hate (Caustic), google translate/Papago Korean and Hindi (open to corrections, alleged translations at the bottom). 

----------

Getting paired with Crypto and Caustic was the worst thing to happen to Elliott all week.

It was bad enough that he wasn’t overly fond of either of them (Caustic less so than Crypto, guy gave him the creeps), but they’d been glaring daggers at each other since the whole Crypto is the traitor! No, Caustic is the traitor! thing that had gone down back on Talon. It threw off the vibe. Elliott found himself nervous-rambling more and more as the match went on, which just got him some daggers of his own, which just made him nervous-ramble more, and at this rate it was going to be a miracle if they actually won.

I can’t work under these conditions, he thought as he crouched behind cover, eyes desperately scanning the new environment. Caustic had already put up traps around the room and Crypto was flying his drone around, trying to figure out how screwed they were. They knew it was going to be a bloodbath—there were way too many teams left and it was a late-game ring, that always ended badly—but if they could just avoid the worst of it…

“Have you found anything yet?” Caustic said, in a tone that could only be described as sneering.

“ 나는 여전히 일하고 있다.,” Crypto responded absentmindedly. Elliott didn’t know what that meant, but if he had to guess based on context, it was probably something like, Hold your horses, I’m trying. This part of the map must’ve been absolute shit for drone flying. Too many buildings. “ 왜 현수막을 못 찾겠어 …”

Caustic scoffed. “Fine. Hide behind your language then, coward.”

Elliott froze. Oh, boy. If the vibes had been bad before, they were worse now. Crypto’s gaze snapped up to meet Caustic’s with a glare that was the reason the phrase if looks could kill existed. “I’m still working,” he said slowly, like he was talking to a toddler. “I can’t find a banner. But I haven’t found any evidence of squads nearby.”

“That’s good, right? That’s great news!” Words flew out of Elliott’s mouth before he could stop them. “Not dead yet, right, buddies? Eh?” Crypto had turned his attention back to his drone, leaving Caustic to glare at Elliott. “No? Okay. Shutting up now…”

Once Crypto finally found a banner and confirmed they were in the one tiny portion of the remaining map that didn’t have any squads nearby, and pinged the next ring location, they pushed ahead to set up a possible ambush. Everything was in place, gas traps and drones hidden in little nooks to catch anyone fleeing the ring, and Elliott had even found a triple take, which was pretty great. He was just starting to get into the groove of an ambush when…

“I want to make something clear.”

Uh-oh.

Elliott turned around, bracing himself for an argument. That sounded like an Elliott did something stupid voice from Crypto, and he wasn’t even sure he had done anything yet. Elliott was relieved—then terrified—to see that tone was actually meant for Caustic.

“I’m not hiding behind anything.” Crypto didn’t even sound angry; he just sounded cold. “You might still be hung up on Talon, but I have other things to worry about. I have absolutely nothing to say to you and I’m not going to deny myself my own language to soothe your pointless paranoia. 걱정이 되면 한국어를 배울 수 있다*.” And then, because this situation couldn’t possibly get more intense, Crypto stepped right into Caustic’s personal space. “And if I wanted to call you a small-minded xenophobic viper, you would know my meaning very plainly, Doctor Nox.”

Having four older brothers meant Elliott was pretty good at smelling when a fight was about to break out. And this was definitely, dangerously close to coming to blows. “Hey, uhhh, friendly reminder, all three of us get in trouble if you two start friendly firing,” Elliott said, physically inserting himself between the two of them. That involved getting way closer to either man than he really wanted to, but it was better than the alternative. “So maybe, crazy thought, Caustic can apologize, and we pretend it didn’t happen for another five minutes?”

“I have nothing to apologize for,” Caustic said.

“I don’t want his apology,” Crypto interjected.

“Whatever! I don’t really care! Just don’t kill each other! Okay? Anyone wanna help me actually do this ambush or what?”

They backed down after that. Elliott doubted anything he’d actually said changed their minds. They were probably just sick of the forced physical proximity, but he’d take it as a win. Okay, only a partial win. He was still stuck on a team with the two of them and way too many other people in an increasingly small ring.

“Hey, Crypto, how do you say I’m gonna die in Korean?”

“You’re not going to die,” Crypto sighed. Then, “But it’s 난 죽을 것이다.”

“…y’know what, I’ll work on that pronunciation later.” Or he’d forget the second he was out of the ring. That was more likely.

Shockingly, Crypto was right. He didn’t die, because they somehow won. Crypto and Caustic must’ve turned that latent aggression they were feeling for each other against the last of the competitors. That was fine by Elliott. As long as they weren’t killing each other while he was on the team.

Of course, when it was over, he immediately dished to Ramya about what went down.

“That rubber-coated tosser said what?!”

“Yeah, it’s weird, right? If Crypto had something to say, he’d just say it. Trust me, I know he hates me.” Elliott didn’t think Crypto had ever talked shit in Korean—though it’d probably be pretty obvious from context if he did. Wouldn’t be the first time Elliott had been called a dumbass in a non-English language. “And if I’m understanding what Gibraltar said, Caustic threw him under the bus, so what’s the deal? If you start shit, you don’t get to be pissy if you get shit back. That’s like…the rules.” A brief moment of self-reflection said that was probably hypocritical of him to say, but at least Elliott had some awareness of how shit worked. Again. Four older brothers. He knew the score.

Ramya snorted dismissively. “You really think a guy like Caustic thinks the rules apply to him? Or that it’s just about whatever happened on Talon? Speaking of...” Caustic was lurking nearby, stalking down the hallway as if this were still the arena and he was looking for his next victim. “Hey, Witt, watch this. Doc!” Ramya waited until Caustic was looking at her, then did that thing Brits did that looked like a peace sign but was actually basically the middle finger. “ अपने आप के लिए, गधे हो अपनी राय रखें।.**”

Caustic froze, eyes narrowing as he ran over whatever it was Ramya said. Elliott was genuinely nervous he was going to do something about it, but Caustic kept on walking, scoffing noisily as he went. “गधे!***” Ramya called after him.

“Uh, are you sure that’s a guy who want to be antagonizing?” Elliott asked nervously.

“What’s he going to do about it? Try to hurt my feelings? Call me ignorant? Hah!” She went back to her project. “Joke’s on him, I speak three languages and know how to make a gun from scratch. What does he do? Make fart bombs?”

“Wait, three?!”

“…eh, two and a half. I haven’t spoken Punjabi in a while. I’ve probably forgotten some bits. Point being, he can’t say shite about me.” She grinned mischievously. “And he’s going to have to get used to not knowing what I’m saying about him.”

Oh, no. “I shouldn’t have told you about this,” Elliott groaned. “He’s going to think I’m an accessory. I don’t want any part in this.”

“Too late.”

“I hate you.”

“No, you don’t.”

He really didn’t. That was the worst part.

Oh, well, at least Crypto would probably find it funny. Elliott might not have been friendly with him or anything, but he had to admit: after Talon, the guy could probably use something to cheer him up.

.

.

What any not-diagetically-translated lines are supposed to mean even though they probably are wrong because Google Translate (hopefully the copy-paste of the Korean and Hindi are like...readable).

*“If you’re worried, you can learn Korean.”

**“Keep your opinion to yourself, asshole.”

***“Jackass!“

Also, technically Crypto said “Why can’t I find the banner” not “I can’t find a banner” but I don’t think he’d give an exact translation of him talking to himself anyways, just the gist of what he meant.

#apex legends #my writing #my fanfic #disclaimer: author is white and not a minority language speaker #so as always take my take with a grain of salt #but as a covert crypto stan I wanted to give him a chance at a rebuttal #since the writers aren't backing down from the line #also Rampart is an agent of chaos and I don't write her enough #character hate #caustic hate

[rigelmejo]

7/23/2021 Reading Progress - Almost 2 Years

I know I posted a little about reading progress a few days ago, but it’s really just exciting to me! And really really motivating!

These past few days, I’ve been reading one of my favorite fanfic writers. I started intensively reading, and now I can get by reading faster (which for me is only 140 characters a minute ToT so still quite slow but hey its something) and just looking an ACTUAL only 4-5 new words per chapter (which is 4000-5000 characters).  Just the fact I am ACTUALLY 98% comprehending chinese reading material. And material I actually want to be reading. Goal reading material! Because like? 

Even when I was extensively reading before, I was reading stuff that was ‘hard’ to read extensively (enough that I’d need to think and use any clues from context to guess what’s going on for certain key words and phrases I didn’t know but needed, and there were enough of those that I needed to focus a lot). This is really like the first extensive reading I’ve been able to do where I can actually just relax and speed read the extensive reading if I want to. Where it feels more like reading Lord of the Rings fast, or Dracula (some vocab I don’t know or weird phrasings for me but its fine to get through until I get used to it) - or some stuff easier now like reading Good Omens (where its an easy read where I get comfortable fast). Where it feels much more like reading english, just slower (and with less context hints for new words lol - since english I can sound out and guess if I heard it before and already know all the ‘word stem’ hints of meaning). Now, because of there being less ‘context stuff’ i can rely on compared to english, i do plan to keep using a digital dictionary to read sometimes (especially because it is the FASTEST way for me personally to reinforce new hanzi pronunciations). 

Like. This past week I’ve been following the Silent Reading audiobook along with the novel, and also just reading the Chinese novel. And also just reading some new stuff by one of my favorite fanfic authors. And I’ve been able to. The fanfic story is a bit easier, so I suppose I can read it with no prior context! (That’s what I looked up about 5 new words for - chairman, deputy were the keywords I needed then most of the rest made sense from context lol). And Silent Reading I read in english but like years ago, so many paragraphs felt new to me but they were fine to read except a few description-dense sections where something economic-related was being said (along with some 4-character phrases I wasn’t sure of). I knew lately I’ve been able to read new Guardian chapters while following along with the audiobook without the english translation, if I don’t want to know every single word but just follow the plot/most of it, so its been really cool seeing this week that I can do it with Silent Reading too! 

I’m fairly sure my level of comprehension is like this: the more murder mystery, investigative/detectives, more contemporary, more supernatural, more romantic, more daily life - the more I will comprehend it. 

Those seem to be my more ‘comfortable domains’ vocabulary wise. Specifically mystery/supernatural/contemporary (since most anything I watch or read is in usually at least one of these genres partly). When I get into xianxia, the farther it is from the very joking/basic SVSSS xianxia vocab the less I can comprehend. I did read 28 chapters of Tian Ya Ke before so maybe some of that will help with reading wuxia genre, but I’d argue it was months ago and tyk doesn’t really go very deep into using wuxia genre words compared to some novels. So basically my xianxia and wuxia vocab is very basic main-plot words like you’d hear in show scripts, but not necessarily enough to follow the details of novels - I do think I know enough to follow the overall main plot though. Happily, Tian Ya Ke and Qi Ye are on my reading list in the future, so they may both help more with political/court and wuxia genre words so that those genres get more comprehensible for me. 

I’m really excited about the tyk and qy reads now, since I planned to read them extensively while glancing at the english translation for help if I didn’t understand. And since I’m starting to be able to extensively read some of priest okay, then doing that with a novel while using the translation so its like a bilingual-resource to reference making things easier, should not be as hard/intensive as it might have been a few months ago. 

This is just. For me a very big milestone. I’m at a point where some of my goal reading is something I can extensively read without too much pain, and have enough hanzi-knowledge to guess some new words and phrases from context a decent amount of the time.

Summary: it’ll be 2 years in a month. And I’m officially at a point where some of the goal novels are able to be extensively read, genuinely, and some of the ‘goal other stuff’ is extensively readable now (some fanfics, some easier bl novels, etc). Past me would be really excited. ToT

I plan to: keep reading intensively and extensively (with an emphasis on reading through a lot more characters/words), keep doing L-R Method and listening-only during day (keep working on improving listening). And occasionally shadowing now/repeated listening/practicing speaking. In the long term: I’d like to read my grammar guide and practice writing/speaking from what I learn. 

That plan has worked really well the past few months

-

Related: my japanese reading skill! Because weirdly enough its been seeing improvements too!

So, I already realized me knowing more hanzi definitely helps me ‘guess more japanese words’ from context. Because: 1. its like english-french, while some are false cognates with nothing actually in common I can sometimes figure that out from the fact the scene is ‘wrong’ for the word I would’ve guessed, and I do know the word endings in japanese so that helps guess if its noun/adjective/verb, and I do know around 2000 common japanese words specifically so that also helps me notice what’s not actually similar in meaning. 2. so i’ve got this basic framework to guess stuff from context: 2000 japanese words I do know, some basic grammar recognition, ~2000 hanzi I do know and then however many chinese words I know, rough recognition of some of the katakana words, and then I usually try to read something I have prior context for so I’ve either read/played in english or know the overall plot main points in english. Apparently all of this helps a lot.

Now its not putting me on anything near 98% comprehension lol (except maybe KH2 since I know that story so well I really do figure out a lot but its more like idk 90% and me just very good at telling ‘unknown part’ was ‘probably X’ but not actually able to be sure, so i can follow fully but i’m not able to learn from a certain amount just cause i can’t be sure its not perhaps actually-something-else more nuanced). But whatever comprehension it puts me at, its enough to follow the main plot (better than I could ever do before with japanese lol with anything more than... well anything... i couldn’t follow even simple manga main overall plot unless i had a dictionary at year 2.5... so now the fact i can generally follow main plot of games, and catch a decent amount of details - not a majority but still regularly noticing some details, all without a dictionary, is pretty cool to me). 

Lately I’ve been watching some REALLY old Shin Megami Tensei and related game lets plays in japanese, with the player reading aloud (so hopefully I learn some actual word pronounciations my biggest weak point). Because I understand enough right now that I can pick up a lot more just by continuing to watch. Like, playing KH2 I could pick up the ‘reading’ of some new stuff and grammar. But with a voiced lets play, I can also try to pick up those new words and maybe if I’m lucky how the more common ones are pronounced as they’re said again and again. I figure I can probably learn a lot more words this way, and continue getting used to the grammar, for a while before I see less frequent payoff. For now, I’m seeing constant easy payoff from doing it. I’ve got a lot of grammar I’ve read details on but not seen regularly enough to get used to, so that all gets reinforced and learned better. And I’ve got a lot of hanzi I know, and doing this helps me start learning the similar-cognate kanji and words writing/pronunciation, the slightly different ones and their rougher meaning along with writing/pronunciation, to be aware which ones are totally different (tho depending on scene context i may or may not learn these words at least i’ll know they’re not the same). 

My point is: now engaging with japanese is a lot more relaxing and enjoyable. (I realize lol a few months ago playing in japanese or watching a lets play was doable but exhausting, so perhaps i am getting more used to it or actually have learned a little lol). In the sense that, now it feels a lot more like ‘reading french when i started learning’ - i feel like i have a LOT more scaffolding to lean on and help me when i’m struggling, whereas i know the first 2.5 years i studied japanese i felt drowning since nothing was familiar - not the grammar, not the words, not the sound, not the lack of word-spaces, etc. Now it feels like there’s a lot more i have ‘some prior experience’ with (from grammar being restudied over and over now lol and i still need much more lol, to onyomi kanji pronunciations now being my favorite lol and kanji my favorite part of reading), so when i’m diving into japanese instead of drowning i have some floaties to grab onto usually (unless i go outside of the domains i’m used to).

By domains i mean - if I try listening-only i still drown (since then i only have grammar and 2000 japanese words i’m still rusty on listening to), if i do listening-watching without subs i have fewer floaties to grab (i have my 2000 learned words but am super rusty on hearing them especially without kanji to see for reference), obviously if its an old or technical text i will drown (im used to modern japanese, and very specifically daily life or supernatural/light-fantasy video game stories). So like... nier, kh2, crisis core, persona games, smt games, are much more in my comfort level of following a plot (again with subs, because without subs it HAS to be something i know the english well for if i’m going to follow much besides simple daily life parts since i’ll need the visual context and prior context to guess what’s going on just in general - not understanding those parts of the japanese). 

Long story short, its been super fun for me lately engaging with japanese. Japanese is NOT even in my ‘realistic’ study plan right now lol!

But this month I still: read a chapter of japanese translation of Guardian, played 4 hours KH2, read the opening scenes of the script of FFX (fyi: in Idiom app they made HUGE improvements I can now play the audio line by line and repeat-automatically as much as i want AND the definitions now come from much better dictionaries), watched 40 minutes of SMT game lets plays (both with and without audio - though since my pronunciation info literally doesn't exist for so many words I decided adding audio as often as possible would be better). 

My ultimate goal for japanese was to be able to play the games I like in japanese, and follow them before localization changes. I’m not picking up the level of info necessary to be fully satisfied with how much I’m noticing. But I do follow enough now that I’m able to start practicing/studying japanese BY playing the games I want or engaging with them in lets plays/scripts etc. And its very motivating to know I’m far enough into this goal to be studying by doing (at least for now, if it stops paying off as much I’ll likely need to approach it from new angles for a while). But like? I can taste it! I’m starting to do what I want, not as well as I want but I am starting to be able to do those things. And that’s really exciting. 

Side notes: I still personally want to continue reading my grammar guides until I've finished them (japanese in 30 hours, tae kim, sakubi), and keep going through clozemaster. Both of these were helping, do help, and ensure I’m building the weaknesses (grammar i just need SO much more help with for japanese, and clozemaster gives me actual word definitions and pronunciation and lets me practice listening skills and grammar in context which are ALL weak points for me). So that’s the overall japanese goal for a long while (yes i might also finish Nukemarine’s memrise decks if i ever feel up for flashcards again lol). 

In the LONG long term, i would probably want to move onto my other japanese study books i own while continuing to go through clozemaster - i have two reading-japanese books i think would help a ton especially if i want to speed up reading speed and/or read novels more, a sentence pattern book that for me personally would help with reinforcing and getting comfortable with grammar and common words (particularly for long term active use). I also have a kanji remembering book i probably could go through - although by then idk how many kanji i’ll remember the pronunciations and meanings for by then.

#study plan #july study plan #july progress #july #reading #reading progress

[himbo-buckley]

INTIMACY, SEX AND BUDDIE (BETTER KNOWN AS I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT THIS SHOW, SOME OF WHICH ARE RELATED TO THE BEFORE MENTIONED TOPICS) - Part 3

Well, hello there (again)!


I got to say, this was both my favourite and least favourite part to write because by now all my theories are (hopefully) explained enough that I can just ramble about the characters and connections and ya’ll will forgive me if I stray away from what’s actually happening in this episode. Which I will do. A lot actually.

On the other hand side I have so many thoughts about what’s happening and this is gonna be long af as I started writing on part three at the same time as I wrote part 1 and 2 and I barely found things to cut, which means we are clocking in at a casual 7700 words. So maybe get that drink now, cause it’ll be a ride!

Also the links to part one and part two

And look, by now you probably know the drill but I’m just gonna give you my preface again:

This meta was supposed to be a lot shorter and only talk about how both Buck and Eddie use sex to distract their respective partners from whatever topic they actually wanted to talk about but since I decided to rewatch the show to make sure I don’t miss any such scenes, it has exploded a bit and taken on more topics

I should also mention that I am a Buddie shipper and while I tried, you will find several references and arguments for the ship in this Meta, not all of which necessarily call for a romantic pairing but just: These two are deeply connected and you cannot look at one without discussing the other and they are each other’s strongest emotional connection.

I should also preface this by saying that the whole of the 118 has some obvious intimacy / commitment issues except Bobby (which is sort of surprising) but *John Mulaney voice* we don’t have time to unpack all of that!

On another note I cuss a little in this Meta because my parents let me listen to TicTacToe as a small child and after that it never stuck that cussing is wrong so, uhm, parental supervision is advised or something

This Meta will so far have FOUR parts now. The original plan was to do three, one for each Season and is organised by episode so you could technically follow along, but due to personal reasons, also known as *feelings*, Season 3 has already exploded disproportionately and for readability reasons I have split it in two (this is part three, the cut will happen after Christmas, it works storyline-wise)

And now, for our next instalment of I read too much into things: Season 3A (also called: „Eddie Diaz, stop being such a boy scout (Wait, no, not like that!)“)

Episode 3.01:

911 as a show has a fairly interesting way of storytelling where it sometimes feels a little like they cut together snapshots of lives in regards to certain topics. And because of that you only ever see a small part of the lives of the characters. That being said: I hate hate hate how 5 months passed between the Season 2 final and the first episode of Season 3 and aside from a few offhand remarks we get virtually nothing. Also it’s very unrealistic that Bobby and Athena didn’t have any parties for 5 months, like nope, I don’t believe you show!

That being said, I appreciate how much time it took Buck to heal because it’s realistic! And also most importantly gets Oliver Stark a chance to truly shine!

I wanna take this chance real quick, to thank the producers and writer both for writing Evan Buckley the way they write him and for casting Oliver Stark to play him because omg, it works so well! Look, Oliver Stark is attractive. He is buff and handsome, but he is not perfect. He is Tinder-buff, not MCU-I haven’t seen a drop of water in a month-buff, he’s the kind of fit that will fill the whole screen one minute and make you say „Wait, I thought he was wider than this!“ the next (you know how everyone always talks about the hips to shoulder ration of Chris Evans? Yeah, the opposite of that) . And he has a really pretty face but his nose is a little too cocked and he has scars and there’s the „adorable facemark“ and he seems so damn dorky which is exactly why Evan „Buck“ Buckley works, why he is hot. And he gets to be emotional and sensitive and caring on top of that and yeah, I don’t know if I wanna be him or date him anymore either. Like he singlehandedly made me rethink my view on dating, just because I am hoping for someone like him.

Anyways, that’s probably something none of you wanted to read about in a META so we’ll get to the juicy stuff now, alright?

One thing that I realised as I watched season 3 for the third time just now is how often it repeats itself. It feels a bit stagnant at times, the way the characters make two steps forward and one step back all the time, most notably in Bobby.

I wanna talk about Bobby for once because you can not look at Buck in Season 3 without looking at Bobby as well. These two characters are connected the same way Buck is connected to Eddie. Most things Buck does character wise in Season 3 are caused by Bobby’s actions, in the same way most of Eddie’s are caused by Buck.

And the thing that 3.01 tells us from the get go? Bobby thinks of Buck as somewhat of a son (which we knew already) and Bobby sees himself in Buck, which is why he does what he probably hoped someone would have done for him the 10 or something years ago when he hurt is back and holds him back. There is also the fact that he tries to teach Buck to have a life outside the firehouse, though that is something he probably should at some point in the near future actually voice to Buck, because Buck on his own can not draw these conclusions from Bobby’s actions. Buck on his own thinks it’s about him not being good enough and so he works himself to the bone to try and proof otherwise. (Someone please just finally tell him what a good boy he is? Yeah?)

As for the scene during the party, you could actually see how much Buck had to force himself to be that open and that vulnerable with Bobby (and not just because he is *literally* having an embolism) and that hurts because to this day Buck has not realised that Bobby will always be there to catch him. Buck still thinks he needs to proof himself to Bobby because of his firing in Season 1. And would you believe I actually cried a little typing these words?

And now I’m gonna talk about my agenda, also known as Buddie real quick, and point you toward the fact that while we have seen Eddie be vulnerable with Buck and Buck be vulnerable with everyone else we have not seen Buck be audibly vulnerable with Eddie and I do not think this is a coincident at all.

Look, Eddie is a guarded guy, right? He has a hard time being vulnerable, a hard time asking for help, a hard time giving up control. But he does all these things with Buck and he does them willingly and with barely an outside push, which is different to say with Bobby. Eddie let’s himself fall with Buck and by doing so raises Buck’s self worth and gives him the feeling of being in control Buck craves so much (while Eddie sort of despises it because he feels like he always has to be the one in control), but it also means that Buck is afraid to let himself fall with Eddie because it might mean Eddie won’t trust him again. Buck generally is a very emotional guy and he doesn’t seem afraid to voice his weaknesses, in fact he is probably too aware of them and too willing to let others poke at them, except with Eddie. With Eddie Buck always tries for strong, because he knows Eddie needs him to be and because he thinks, if he’s not, Eddie will see what everyone else saw and leave him. On Eddie’s side I do think by now he is more than willing to catch Buck and still let himself be caught in return. At least at this point.

(also, if we do ever get Buddie I could see a reverse of the Shannon-Eddie situation happening where Eddie is the one being open and Buck has a hard time being emotionally vulnerable, afraid it’ll scare Eddie off and he’ll leave like everyone else.)

But then, one could also point out that Eddie probably knows all the things going on with Buck anyways because I truly think they know each other inside out and are two feathers of the same bird and same recognises same and all that - it’s just that Buck is someone who needs to actually voice his feelings to deal with them, so unless he voices his vulnerabilities to Eddie, for him, the other guy doesn’t know them. (Except Eddie does know.) (and man, I wish the rest of the 911 would finally figure out that with Buck you always - always - have to say things! You can’t just imply. You can’t think your actions speak loud enough. You need to actually use your words and do so in a way that leaves no doubt because that boy thinks so little of himself and he will make himself doubt every nice thing that ever happens to him.)

Now, moving back to what’s actually happening in the episode and why all of this is important:

We have the very important talk in the Station were text points out some of the things I just said and Eddie realises that he needs to do better, so he pulls a Buck and steamrolls him. (also do we truly believe that Carla was out of the country? Do we? Do we not think Eddie spent the whole ride over coaching his son on lying to his best friend because Eddie is just like that?)

Also I love how before this Maddie is talking to Josh and she says something along the lines of wether she should push Buck or coddle him and it cuts to Eddie trying the first.

On Eddie’s side of this meta we somewhat learn where Eddie’s issues stem from and it’s of course Daddy issues because this show loves them very much. (Seriously, out of 5 firefighters 3 have confirmed absent fathers causing issues and one has it heavily implied. Tim Minear, do you wanna talk?)

Also, Ramon Diaz probably threw in a „real men don’t cry“ with his macho speech about just brushing shit off and thereby emotionally crippling his child further, because he seems cliche like that.

Sidenote: The Buck and Christopher relationship is so beautiful and important and „Some cool outfits, too.“ is one of my favourite lines, though I do have to say - as someone who works professionally with kids - that this is what really shows how much Eddie truly thinks of Buck and how much he trusts him because it’s safe to assume that Buck has never been alone with Christopher or any child for longer and has never had to take care of one by himself and yet Eddie just trusts him to take care of his son for what is probably a 24h shift. Truly magnificent. An unparalleled relationship. So meaningful.

Episode 3.02:

No actual relevance but I do wanna point out that the thing about the mom being the love of boat guys life but her son being her’s? Yeah, that’s Eddie (and Buck).

Also, Buck’s just a natural at being a dad (not because of the fun stuff but the stuff when he knew exactly how to distract Christopher when those bodies floated by) and at some point I need Eddie to point this out to him and I need him to voice his jealousy about it, because Eddie? Not a natural dad.

(I actually think that is something that is true about a lot of things for these two. I mean yes, Buck is a hard worker but I think only in areas he is already naturally gifted (remember that whole thing with the Seals? “You just have to be badass, which I am?”) and he generally doesn’t try if things don’t come naturally because Buck hates failure because Buck already feels like a failure. Meanwhile Eddie seems like the kind of guy who has this huge capacity for learning, so even if something doesn’t come naturally to him (like fatherhood) he has the determination and willingness to try and try again until he finally gets it right and is perfect because Eddie, too, hates failure.) (And now I wanna see more about their childhoods because I could actually see Buck be somewhat of a gifted child in his youth who never learned how to actually apply himself and because of that has always been told he had so much wasted potential while Eddie was either an overarchiver or a slacker, I’m sorry I don’t make the rules. Or maybe I am projecting.)

Episode 3.03:

I read somewhere on tumblr that Ryan Guzman and his wife thought Eddie and Lena would be a thing and where actually on board and I was like? No?

I mean I do love the way she takes one look at him and decides he needs his ego checked (and also Eddie is like: ui, me like-y! (maybe because he misses another person that used to be an asshole to him right off the bat?)).

Also love all the references to Eddie being in the army („The 118 is huffing it“-scene comes to mind). Again, kudos to Ryan Guzman for always acting with all his body, because you can always feel the army training in his posture like the way he usually stands just a little bit straighter than everyone else (well, at least that’s what it looks like to me, someone who has not been in the Army and knows only like two people that got drafted and no one who went willingly, because my country generally doesn’t do that these days ).

As for what is happening in the episode, I think it’s a reference to Shannon that Eddie dealt with that couple that, despite loving each other a lot and getting along fairly well, decided to get divorced. Which is what 911 should have done with Shannon. (Me being salty about Shannon? It’s more likely than you think.)

I also think it’s a nice parallel the way both Lena and Buck are so desperate to search for their missing loved one with no regard for their own safety and I’m assuming Eddie saw Buck in Lena’s actions as well, which is why he trusts her so fast. (Because Eddie just like Buck is looking for connection and intimacy but Eddie is even worse at creating it than Buck, so he just tries to recreate the one working bond he truly has.) (Something actually proven in text by Eddie: becoming a firefighter because he misses the army.)

And I know everyone and their mother has already pointed out how Eddie was not worried about Chris at all because his son was with Buck and he knows Buck would never let anything bad happen to his son ever.

Which is why *that* scene is even more heartbreaking, because Eddie has so much trust in his Buck and kudos to Ryan Guzman because man, the way you see Eddie steel himself for what Buck is saying? The way you can feel him pulling himself together because Buck needs him to hear this. (Look, the scene is about a father learning from the person he trusts most in the world that his son might be dead and they could have easily forshadowed Eddie’s fighting ark by having him react negatively and violently here but instead he stays calm because it’s Buck and Buck for once needs him to be the one in control - also, on a less ship-y note because Eddie’s world is falling apart right there and he needs to keep in control because if he doesn’t, he will probably never be again.)

Which brings us to that scene in the loft, and listen, I know I said at the end of part 2 Eddie barely had any character development in the two seasons since we met him, but uhm, this scene? Proves he had some development, because right then right there he is so fucking vulnerable with Buck. It is of course part of him being a protector because just like with Shannon in 2.04 he realises that this is was Buck needs him to be right now, so vulnerable it is.

I do think however that it’s beautiful how Eddie apparently took the time during a fucking natural disaster to figure out that Evan Buckley needs him to use his actual words, so use his actual words he does.

And I do wanna point out that this is something he never had with Shannon, Eddie was never able to figure out what is wife of what? 7-8 years needed of him but he does know what his best friends needs. And wether that is just Buddie or just plain old character development, remains to be seen.

(Though we should mention that it wasn’t a permanent thing, Eddie does fail Buck a few times in Season 3 (but he also doesn’t a few other times) but we’ll get to that when we get to that!)

Also, honourable mention to Maddie Buckley-Kendall for getting that phone call and probably nearly dying of a heart attack and then having to race to the VA thinking the worst and probably imagining her very selfless brother either being already gone by the time she gets there or close to dead - only to probably arrive there and see Christopher in a bed with Eddie sitting next to him and Buck sitting vigil a few feet away because he doesn’t think he deserves to be with the Diaz’s anymore but he also can’t bear to part from them!

And another mention to the poor stranger who probably never got their phone back.

Also a teeny bit mad they forgot to give Oliver scars on his legs.

Episode 3.04

First of all I gotta say Eddie is such a boy scout goody two shoes with his whole „Well, it’s mandated!“ (also he’s been probably hanging out with Buck a buncha times in whatever many weeks passed since the Tsunami and  therefore knew how hard his best friend worked on this and he’s gonna be supportive, kay?)

That being said, remember when I talked about two steps forward, one step back? Yeah, that.

As for the lawsuit, look, we could argue all day on wether it was justified or not, but I personally do think Buck had a basis. But he was also acting rash and hadn’t thought all the implications through and should have used his words instead, but quick reminder: Buck has severe abandonment issues and he has problems with emotional intimacy - so the whole talking about it? Not that easy.

Also, imagine working for months to come back to work, the one thing you think you’re good at and thinking you have everyone’s support only to find out the person you love like a father has betrayed you, probably with the knowledge of everyone else. Yeah, you’d lash out too!

Even though, I have to point out it’s not his normal MO (which is why we see him regret it almost immediately in the next episode).

As for Eddie in this episode, he has not one, not two, not three, but four whole conversations about feelings! You go buddy-boy. Embrace that character development! Don’t take a step back! … or, nevermind, we all know what happens next.

That being said I think it’s interesting that while Chimney clearly confides in him, Eddie does not confide in him in return but rather talks to female!Buck. I mean, talking about his struggles with his son and his family worked with him and Buck so why not with him and Lena (cause Lena isn’t Buck).

I do think Eddie and Chimney are close, but Eddie just doesn’t feel the same connection to him as he feels to Buck.

As for Eddie being so beautifully open and vulnerable with his son and saying like the exact opposite of what he had been taught: Eddie loves his son. He loves his son more than anything in the world. And if Eddie can’t let himself be vulnerable with him, who can he be vulnerable with? Especially when it helps Christopher.

(Also, Eddie by now recognises what is wrong with him, he just doesn’t think he can change it but he can prevent it from happening to his child.)

Episode 3.05:

This episode has a lot of shit happening and I have a lot of thoughts, most of which are relevant to the episode. But we’re gonna start slow, ease you in:

Boy do I love overprotective Dad!Eddie! How long do you think did it took Carla and Christopher to convince Eddie to let Chris sleep over at his friends? A month?

In other news Buck is just the picture of regret during the deposition and yeah, he should be. The whole thing is harsh. Never sue your friends, no matter how justified, if you want them to stay your friends! But it’s so obvious Buck didn’t know it was gonna go down this way because he did not think this through at all.

First off: Remember how in part 2 I said Buck and Eddie’s storylines were connected and how earlier I said Buck was the catalyst for Eddie like Bobby was for Buck?

Yeah, that’s the episode for all of this.

It’s not as obvious as in Season 2 because usually it happens over two episodes but it’s no coincident that after last episode Bobby triggered that shift in Buck, Eddie is now suddenly careering out of control as well - it’s because Buck is his catalyst, his *trigger*.

Please watch 3.04 and 3.05 back to back and tell me Eddie doesn’t make a 180 between those episodes. He goes from worried about his son to punching people in parking lots. What changed? Well, he could no longer talk to Buck. And Buck is his anker and his catalyst, the one person he doesn’t have to be in control with (which he really could use considering what he is going through with Christopher). And when you take that away he spirals. (Also there is the deposition where his best friend betrays him by talking about his dead for less than a year - wife, a topic Eddie has been avoiding in regards to his feelings since … well, the day it happened, probably.)

And I’m not saying the whole street fighting thing wouldn’t have happened if Eddie wasn’t such a boy scout and said, screw the chain of command and just called Buck to bail him out, but that’s what I’m implieing.

Also the scene between Eddie and Lena, I mean, I’ve already talked about it somewhere else but I do wanna point you to the way it is phrased: Eddie „wasn’t allowed“ to call Buck. Meaning he wanted to. But you know: Boy Scout.

Now, let’s talk about the grocery store fight because I have so many thoughts!

And what I love about these two episodes, as well as the next one, is that they show both the connection Buddie has as well as the contrasts between them:

One of the biggest differences in Buddie is how they deal with fear and obstacles and it is visible throughout all their lives and specifically these three episodes.

Evan Buckley is a force of nature, he is a fighter, he sets a goal and he reaches this goal with a single minded focus, steamrolling through everything in his way until he reaches said goal. Just look at the lawsuit and remember how his original plan was to get everyone to sign a letter of support for him.

When something frightens him, Buck doesn’t run away he runs right into it, tries to destroy it or be destroyed. He fights. And if that doesn’t work, he finds a way around the problem, but always going head to head with the thing because Evan Buckley is very determined and very self destructive.

Just look at the way he held onto Abby for nearly a year after she had left: Instead of dealing with his feelings of abandonment and the fact that the woman he loved left him, that boy dug his heel in and fought tooth and nail to keep what little he had left of her, of them. Refused to acknowledge being left for months. And when he finally leaves he literally compares himself to a ghost, because you know, he is just an empty shell at this point.

It’s also why he falls so hard for Ali because he is just desperately looking for something to cling to and so he transfers all those un-dealt feelings onto her and then he get’s hurt and his problems become bigger and different and Ali can’t deal - not surprising considering they had barely a foundation. They just went from 0 to 100 in 2 seconds and that just never works out, unless you’re in a very expensive sports car.

I also truly think at times Buck hides behind the loud mouthed, dumb adrenaline junkie persona he got going on as it keeps people from looking deeper, because Buck is very scared they won‘t find anything deeper - or worse, decide they don’t like what they see (and hey, he even got that confirmed by Ali leaving! and Abby! AND MOST IMPORTANTLY MADDIE!).

(Which, to push an agenda real quick, is why I ship Buddie so hard? Because they do have a foundation, they have been emotionally intimate with each other, they’ve seen the worst of each other and still went: I’m gonna have your back. And they have pulled a lot of shit on each other in the two years since meeting! Like, I’m sorry 911, I love you, but please never try and tell me they will have a deeper connection with anyone but each other because it’ll be a damn lie and you know it! If you don’t wanna do Buddie, let those boys get emotionally healthy and THEN give them an endgame but don’t try and replace Buddie with Loveinterests. I’m serious. I might stop watching!)

Eddie meanwhile is much more open with his feelings in the sense that he is less open in general so it’s far more noticeable when something is bothering him *because* he is subtle about it. Because Buck is so loud and so open and all about what you see is what you get, you don‘t assume he is hiding anything because you already see everything, right? (Always hide the real shit in plain sight, you guys, that‘s where no one remembers to look!) But Eddie, Eddie keeps his cards close. Sure he is funny and nice but he is also fucking reserved! And when something bothers him he draws into himself even more and that’s something that shows, that people will take notice of.

Eddies reaction to bad things (also known as *feelings*, because that boy is fucking repressed) happening is running away. And I am not saying he is a coward, I am saying he probably thinks he is and I am saying he runs away from his problems - that’s what 3.15 was about for Eddie: embracing his family (his vulnerabilities) and from what I‘ve seen in the last few days floating around in spoiler *now* Eddie has to learn to face his problems and not run away.

Which will be hard because Eddie deflects a lot.

It‘s funny (in a way that is not funny) that Buck, the fighter, is like the least aggressive guy around while Eddie, Mr quiet and reserved, who is all about running away from his problems, is so physically aggressive - except it is not and makes a lot of sense.

Season 3 truly shows how they deal with problems and I love it, I love them and this show so much!

Because Buck deals with the bombing by working tirelessly to come back to work, he deals with losing Christopher by nearly killing himself trying to find him and he deals with his fear of being replaced by filing the lawsuit to get his job back - which is also why I have to agree with Eddie: Buck truly has a one track mind. He sees the problem and nothing else. That makes him an amazing firefighter but an exhausting guy to be around because he does not give up.

I think in canon we only ever see Buck give up twice, maybe three times once with Abby and once with Christopher, both times he nearly killed himself first. (And one could argue that neither of these times he actually gave up, he was just out of options and time.) Tbh the only actual time he gave up was with Ali and that was probably his one track mind just not having any capacity to deal with a girlfriend on top of everything.

Eddie meanwhile deals with his wife dying and his best friend nearly dying twice and his son being traumatised and his best friend not being allowed back to work and his best friend filing that lawsuit by ... not dealing with it. He just moves on. Runs away from his feelings and his pain by fighting. He can’t deal with - can’t fight - his actual feelings so he fights something else. He lashes out. Becomes feral. That’s literally the gist of this episodes voiceover!

So tbh as much as I like that they resolved that lawsuit within one episode I am a bit bummed that we hardly saw anything of the 118 and especially Eddie without Buck there (specifically during his fighting time) mainly because I think we would have seen Hen and Chimney with Cap and Eddie maybe with Lena but generally keeping his distance, hiding away from them. (I don’t think Eddie just brushing past Buck in 3.06 was just about Buck.)

I truly meant what I said about 2.01 and Eddie taking one look at Buck being an asshole and deciding this one is gonna be his friend. Because while Hen and Chimney have been nice and friendly with him from the get go, they never give him shit the same way they give each other or Cap or Buck, and Eddie needs that. He needs someone who isn’t afraid to call him out and push back, both to get Eddie out of his own head and to make him feel comfortable enough to do the same. Which is why he bonded so fast with Buck and Lena (also, would he have bonded with her like that if Buck had been there? Probably not. Eddie is like the definition of „I only have the emotional capacity to care about three people at a time and two of them are my son“), because both held him accountable for his shit, which no one else on the show does, specifically not Hen and Chimney who treat Eddie as the guy who is good at most things so they just overlook the shitty stuff. And Cap does the same, because Eddie has a lot on his plate and Cap understands his issues better than anyone else’s. 

Ya‘ll just need to watch the supermarket scene! It‘s all there!

Buck is in the store trying to create a moment so he can talk to all of them (meaning he is pushing, leaning into the problem until it gives), tries to make the problem go away by apologising (remember what I said about trying another way? Working hard didn’t work. Accepting his predicament didn‘t work. The lawsuit didn’t work. So now he tries talking it out - which he should have done to begin with, but hey, I’m not his therapist (sadly)) (It’s too bad it only worked to a certain level as we saw in the next episode but oh well, that’s actually realistic.)

Meanwhile Eddie has none of it because Eddie is currently running away from his problems so he can’t have his problem stand in front of him buying cat laxatives. So Eddie goes feral, and makes it all about Buck and his mistakes and then throws Christopher under the bus because that man is fighting for his life and he has nothing left to loose!!! I truly love this scene so much, you guys. It’s so revealing about these characters.

(I also shouldn’t have to point out that most of the stuff Eddie said to Buck was about Shannon, right? He was saying the things he was feeling about Shannon and he was throwing them at Buck because Buck was the one who brought it up, but also … look, it’s just ship-y from here all right?)

As for what I said about Hen, Bobby and Chimney in regards to Eddie? I know Chimney made some remarks but come on! Had it been any of them or Buck who yelled at someone like that they would have all interrupted and tried to diffuse the situation. But because it’s Eddie they sort of let it happen. (Also tbh because it’s Eddie and Buck and everyone is a little mad at Buck but they are something different to each other.)

Also, not to push my agenda, can we just talk about how comfortable  Eddie has to be with the 118 but especially Buck, how much he has to care, to scream at him like that? Because he is reserved and he always tries to let go of his feelings and he hides so much. And I know part of it is that Eddie is coiled too tight already and about to burst but it’s also about Buck and the fact that Eddie expected better from him because Eddie has such a high opinion of him. Like sure he gives him shit sometimes but I think it’s because Eddie always expects the most of Buck (and Buck rarely lets him down). (And now I did go all ship-y)

Just compare this with his relationship with Shannon: with Shannon Eddie always is the one to make decisions, in part because he believes that’s what a man should do but also in part because he doesn’t trust her - and that was even before she left. Eddie trusts no one but himself for the most part but he does trust Buck, because to Eddie Buck can hardly do wrong. Which is why the whole law suit probably hit him so hard cause he expects everyone to let him down all the time but Evan Buckley? The guy he trust with his son more than anyone else? That guy? He expected better off! And that my friends is beautiful.

As for the voiceover it does poise one very central question for Eddie’s character: If he gives up control, will he be able to regain it? Because that is Eddie’s biggest fear and why he always holds everything so tight: he thinks if he lets the floodgates open once, he’ll never be able to close them.

In other news: Ryan took his shirt off.

Episode 3.06:

Before I write another 2400 words about our boys, I wanna remind you of that scene of Bobby, Chimney and Eddie wearing sun glasses, with Hen wearing her normal glasses, standing round, looking like an album cover! *plays „Clique“ by Kanye West, Jay-Z, Big Sean*

Do you think Athena and Hen talked about Bobby and how he would / does handle Buck? They did, didn’t they?

Also love how Hen and Chimney are super welcoming because one, they know what it’s like to be the odd one out and two, they love Buck and actually see his point of view. I believe. Now if only someone would remember to tell him.

Like, come on, they probably sit in the ambulance gossiping all the time!

I really love that we saw some bonding between Buck and Hen and Buck and Chimney in this episode because as much as I love Buddie we do not see enough of those combos (we don’t see enough of Buddie either).

Also the whole two steps forward, one step back? That is Bobby in this episode.

Now, we have to talk about the apology scene because this is Buck, expressing himself, being vulnerable. I love this episode a lot especially in regards to this Meta because here we see all the things I explained for the last episode: Buck is expressing, trying his best to make the problem go away while Eddie avoids it.

Also, you know, there is the whole illegal fighting thing that is visible on Eddie and look, if you did something like that would you willingly spent time with the one person who will call you out on it or will you avoid him like the plague? Especially if the last time you saw him you were screaming bloody murder at him in the middle of a grocery store! And the next time you see him he calls you out for your bruising. Yeah, guys, that’s just realistic.

Also bit of a reach, but the reason this is part of my discussion of 3.06 and not 3.05, which is Eddie’s relationship to Buck. Remember how 3.03 ended? That beautiful moment that made Oliver Stark cry on Instagram live? Remember how Eddie said „It’s his turn to save you now.“? Yeah, what happened to that?

Okay, Eddie is not an expressive guy. He is bad with feelings. He hates having them. And here comes Evan „Buck“ Buckley and he is just the polar opposite. Sure, he’d rather not talk about his feelings either but he has a lot of them and he *likes* having all of them and he wallows in them and that is probably a lot for a guy like Eddie to deal with. Especially when I do think Eddie understands somewhat where Buck came from and he probably feels guilty af about making Buck feel like he was being replaced. About not seeing the pain Buck was in. About not being there for him - which is why he lashes out, because guilt can make the healthiest people do horrible shit and Eddie is far from any definition of healthy at that point.

But I do have to say I am reaching with this and if I ever meet Tim Minear I will have him explain the fight scene and the apology scene to me word for word because it has to be deeper, right?

It can’t just be Eddie lashing out, and saying exactly the things he knows will hurt Buck because he is mad mad mad? Yeah, I know, whatever.

(Because even if that is the case? This is still the scene where a guy uses his best friend as a substitute to get his anger for his dead wife out in a somewhat healthy manner.)

Which is why I love both these scenes immensely, because it shows exactly how differently Eddie and Buck deal with things, because Eddie avoids them or gets mad and screams at them while Buck, actually does something fairly healthy and try to talk it out - but like only as his last option. He tries anything but talking before that, except with Eddie because they are connected and he finally *finally* lets himself be emotionally vulnerable with Eddie.

Which is also why the apology scene is so important to me, despite thinking while a bit rash, Buck wasn’t exactly wrong in his actions. I would have hated if they just brushed the grocery store over or made it about Eddie and the issues he had at the time. Instead they gave us this beautiful scene where Buck finally - FINALLY - gets to explain himself to someone, especially Eddie, the guy who he hurt the most because Buck is his anchor, and Eddie actually listens and then he gets it and he is like, oh, I wasn’t wrong! He really deserves all my trust!

So you know, that’s just beautiful, wether it’s platonic or romantic.

Episode 3.07: no relevance

Episode 3.08:

I wanna say something right of the bat that is probably controversial as hell:

Eddie did not want to share with Bobby. Eddie likes Bobby, he trusts Bobby, but he wasn’t really feeling like sharing with Bobby.

The reason Eddie talked with Bobby about all of this? Well, first of all it was bound to happen, sometimes things need to be said and then it doesn’t really matter who you’re talking to.

Also Eddie? Boy Scout. Army man. Chain of Command. If your superior officer tells you to share - you share! There. I said it. (This is not a Bobby Nash - stan account)

Also: „A friend of mine told me I needed an outlet - think I found it.“ - no, you didn’t Buddy boy, it’s why I’m currently 10.000 words into an episode by episode analysis of your character! (can you tell I am slowly going off the rails with this?)

But I do love how we finally got to see sassy!Eddie again. I missed you, babe!

As for the kitchen scene and the look, yes, I know, Maddie was looking at them like that because she just called them out about gossiping and they turned around and gossiped, buuuut … ya’ll also realise that Chimney was apparently *not* aware that anything was wrong with Eddie when Eddie had been acting weird way longer then Hen. He nearly punched Buck in a grocery store, he comes in with new bruises like 3 times a week but sure mate, he is all normal! (Or you know, Buck is just hyperfocused on Eddie)

One thing that freaks me out every time I watch this episode is how completely fucking nonchalant Eddie seems by the fact that he nearly fucking killed a guy. To quote Lena Bosko, professional plot pusher: „What the hell, Eddie?“

And then of course 3.15 happened and we saw Eddie shoot multiple people, so he probably learned how to compartmentalise and I guess I need to remember this is a TV show and no one actually died. But wow, I really need this addressed more because I have such mixed feelings about this.

And with regards to this I wanna say something even more controversial: Eddie got off easy. Yes, the guy willingly went into that ring but Eddie nearly killed him and all Bobby wanted to talk about was why Eddie was fighting? Again: What the hell?

Another thing this episode firmly proofs is that Lena is really just a poor substitute for Buck because Eddie doesn’t actually know anything about her, he just uses her as a sounding board because, well, Buck wasn’t there and he was lonely?

As for the actual conversation happening, yes, there we have it, in plain sight, Eddie needs to be in control because he thinks this is what Christopher needs him to be and as I’ve said before Eddie will always do anything for Christopher, even if he hurts himself in the process.

Also, remember when Lena told him he needed to show and tell his son how he felt so Christopher knows it’s okay to feel that way as well? Clearly didn’t stick of he would not feel this intense need to be in control. Which is realistic, you don’t just unlearn behaviour you had for like 30 years just because someone gives you some good advice once! (Man, my life could be so different!)

I’m also not a fan of Bobby’s „She died.“ because while yes, it wasn’t her fault that she left this time, grief isn’t rational. And even without the looming divorce Eddie has every right to be upset and to be angry at the world, and yes, even his dead wife. She’s dead. It doesn’t hurt her anymore. (Although that would be one feeling he should probably keep from Christopher.)

Not to mention Eddie feels guilty as hell. His anger? Mostly at himself. The sentence “I broke his mother”? Broke me as well.

But I also understand Eddie because while he may be grieving, his son is clearly traumatised by the whole situation, as seen in 3.04, and Eddie is trying his best and look, his outlet wasn’t the healthiest but um, at least he realised he needed one? He addressed that? That’s growth (sorta).

Amount of shirtless!Eddie scenes: 2, which feels a bit like overkill for one episode (pace yourself, Tim, this isn’t Game of Thrones)

Episode 3.09:

Frank! My main man Frank! Ui, I love him! When Tim calls me to come consult for Season 4 because clearly by now I am an expert on his characters and the way they should act, I will tell him to bring Frank back. I miss Frank. I hope he’s doing okay. He deserves the world. Also really wanna meet Rosemary.

And hey, as someone who has worked in the mental health sector and probably will again come October (if I manage to finish my degree by then, urgh, Corona, you are destroying my thesis!), I love that scene on the sofa so much! All of them openly sharing that they have been in therapy and talking about their therapists and just, uh, that scene makes me all tingly!

Before we get into all the emotional things I’m just gonna add the scene on the sofa to my list of scene I don’t fully understand. Like, what emotion exactly was Eddie supposed to be conveying because to me he sounds angry. And why should Eddie be angry about Buck sleeping with his therapist? What reason could he have?

Okay, yeah, maybe it’s a little exasperation and annoyance because apparently Evan Buckley is just coasting through life and doesn’t even take therapy seriously. Idk. I haven’t read the script.

But it does lead us to Buck giving Eddie shit, because, as I’ve said before, that’s what Buck does.

As for the therapy scene, yay, there is a mention of the nearly dead guy! Who is not dead. Yay!

I do love Eddie’s reasons for going to therapy and really trying, even though he is not clicking with Frank. He is such a good dad! (Also I’ve been debating for like 20 minutes whether Eddie would be more comfortable sharing with a woman or with a man and for some reason (his connection with Buck vs his relationship with Shannon) I think he’d be more comfortable with a man. Idk. I could be wrong. - Also Eddie is probably always uncomfortable talking about his feelings, so there is that!) His reasoning shows also yet again what I said about both Buck and Eddie before: they are protectors. They will make themselves vulnerable to help someone else. It’s a thing.

Also I pulled out my pocket edition of ICD-10 to check and while we don’t have enough information to give a full diagnosis, it’s safe to say that he is supposed to be going through a depressive episode. Because yes, sometimes depressed people aren’t sad, sometimes they are fucking angry.

Now, as for the Evan Buckley of it all and that scene: I read another Meta by someone clearly much better at this than me that stated Eddie uses Sarcasm as a way to deflect, which is exactly what is happening here because Eddie is not as fine with everything that happened as he pretends to be. I think he has just come to the sudden and horrible conclusion that his tipping point has been Buck no longer being in his life and so he decided it was easier to just move on then deal with his feelings (which is what got you into this mess in the first place, Edmundo, so please rethink,) if that means Buck back in his life.

I also think Eddie deflects here because he realises how much what he did and what he said actually hurt Buck in return and Eddie doesn’t fully know how to deal with that. And look, if they actually start discussing their issues then Eddie will have to admit his guilt and Eddie will have to say he’s sorry and right then he is still too pissed to do so, so he decides to move on.

Ah, the wonderful clash of Eddie thinking actions speak louder than words but Buck needing to hear the actual words.

Sidenote: I sent the kitchen scene to my roommate, stopped before they played the video game and asked her what she thinks happened next. And to quote „Love me <3 <3 <3. Please fuck me“ - because yes, she did take one look at them and decide the one with the puppy dog eyes was a bottom. That’s also a quote.

Episode 3.10:

Eddie really is trying so hard to be a good dad, isn’t he?

I also love the little head shake Eddie gives after Chris ask Buck about spending Christmas with him, because he clearly has already talked about the whole thing with Buck. And I’m not gonna talk about the framing. Other’s have done that before and I don’t actually know that much about it in first place.

Also it is cute as all hell that Chris asked Buck in the first place and also heartbreaking.

Other than that this episode doesn’t have that much of a relevance for this meta, because if I have to start discussing Buck’s other issues as well this will never be done.

Before I let you go, I wanna say something real quick:

In the past few days there have been several posts about content creators and liking vs commenting / reblogging on my dash and I just wanna say this is true for meta writers as well! Look, I love everyone who likes this because validation, but I’m not actually writing this meta for myself, I’m writing this because I have thoughts and I wanna share them with the rest of the class and have the class discuss it with me!

So please, reblog this and comment under or in the tags or come to my ask or my messages, even if it’s only to tell me that my punctuation is shit! 

Anyways, @angelcamael and @greyhello here’s part 3!

#buck meta #eddie meta #buddie meta #evan buckley #eddie diaz #buck #buddie #911 meta #911 #911 fox #textpost #mine #meta #season 3 #my meta

[pebblysand]

OF CRYSTAL ROSES (EXTENDED AUTHOR’S NOTE OF CHAPTER VI. OF CASTLES)

-- TO READ THE CHAPTER ITSELF, SEE HERE ON AO3 --

well, well, well. here we are. spoiler alert, gryffindors make plans they don’t stick to, lolz. all the good intentions in the world, i had. study, i said i would. yet, here were find ourselves, eighteen thousand words later. this appears to be how i roll. slept about five hours last night, too, so apologies if i’m slightly non-sensical/rambly. this chapter ought to be sponsored by deliveroo and teapigs tea, a brand of tea that appeared in my local supermarket a few moths ago and that i steadily refused to buy because - can tea really be worth this much? low and behold, once you’ve tried it once, it appears to be addictive. i’ve, while writing this chapter, worked my way through about four packs of their different teas - they are just this good. i have a job interview tomorrow so wish me luck in gaining employment which will hopefully fund my expensive habits.

now, before we get into the nitty gritty of the chapter, itself, i just needed to say this: i cannot thank everyone enough for the incredible response on last chapter. i’d kind of grown accustomed to getting a couple of reviews for each of them and to writing in my little corner of the internet but boy, you guys are bloody legends! i am so overwhelmed with gratitude for everyone who commented, kudo-ed and generally gave love to this fic in general. i really didn’t expect such a response and it’s meant the world to me. i think it’s probably also the reason why i’m posting so early because i kept being like, god, i can’t leave this many people waiting in this cliffhanger hell. i think this chapter ends on a more positive note (although, i’ll let you judge), one that might be more conducive of a few weeks’ wait (more on that below), haha.

this being said, as i explained on here before, i come from very tiny fandoms where basically everyone knows each other and the number of people reading would usually fit in my flat. the fact that over 80 people are now subscribed to this fic just blows my fucking mind. you’re all magnificent and i love you. i try to respond to all the comments so let’s keep chatting if you feel like it (although, no pressure - comment if you want to, but do know that it makes me very happy when you do :)). you’re all fabulous and i wish you all the best!

anyway, spoilers for castles, chapter vi under the cut.

guys, guys, guys, i am so tired. i’ve spent four days editing almost 20,000 words and my brain is fried. but, we are officially at the halfway point of this story, yaaaay!!! my plan, at this point, is that we’ll have six chapters on each side but even if i do end up splitting this one later (more on this below) i’ll end up with seven chapters on each side so either way - yay to the end of act 1!

i think that’s also why i tried to turn this chapter around this quickly. to me, i always kind of saw this fic as having two parts. part 1: the immediate post-war aftermath with the heartache and the love-fast/burn-fast start to harry/ginny. part 2: a slow and actually healthy rebuild of their relationship, and of the world around them. i have genuinely been writing towards that last harry/ginny scene in this chapter for months. it feels like such a relief to finally have that weight off my shoulders. and i actually do think it’ll allow me to focus on study later. act one is finished, and act two can wait a bit, i suppose.

now, obviously, given that i already apologised last time, part of me still wants to apologise for the length of this chapter, even more so, actually. it sits at about 18,000 words which, by nanowrimo’s standards, is over a third of a full book, wtf. yet, you guys also said last time that you didn’t actually mind long chapters, so perhaps i shouldn’t beat myself up too much?

as i said in the a/n, this is a little bit of different set up than chapter v. though. i know exactly where to split this. as you’ve probably seen by now, there’s a very natural split point after harry has his breakdown on the couch with ginny, before Christmas properly "starts." the reason i didn’t split this one there, though is: a) selfish: i needed to get this out. stop working on it. i need to study. when it’s out, i’m not thinking about it anymore. it would have been a bit non sensical to split this just for the sake of it and post two chapters at once, which means i probably would have held onto the second part for another couple of weeks, and fuck that. additionally, b) you may not have noticed this but: the chapter titles rhyme. why did i bring this additional difficulty upon myself, i do not fucking know. especially because i will soon run out of one-word construction materials to draw from, lol. as a result, though, i need an even number of chapters to close out this story and because i’m sort of planning six chapters from now to the end (more on that below) i can’t really split this one right now. like, if i end up with another overlong chapter in the next few months, i probably will take that opportunity and go back and split this one, just for readability. but at this stage, at this stage, because i don’t know how many chapters i’ll have for act two (six or seven), i’m keeping this chapter like this for the time being. i kind of hope i end up with seven chapters on the other side and am able to split this one down the line, but we will see. in the meantime, my most sincere apologies to the folks who read fanfiction before bed and it’s now 4 am by the time you’ve finished this. i’ve been there before, believe me.

from a personal standpoint, though, i have to say, this chapter (compared to the last one) was incredibly easy to write. i think i’d spent so much time imagining and writing these scenes in my head as kind of a culminating point for the first half of the story, that it quite simply poured out. i did have a little bit of an everything is shit crisis yesterday and today, but sure look, that always happens. overall, i am quite happy - i think - with the end result.

now, when i say "easy to write" i mean, technically, easy to find words to write down what was in my head. i do not mean: easy to write on an emotional level. oh boy. i’m generally not a crier. i have been asked, a number of times, by people who said my writing made them cry: do you cry when you write, too? and my answer was always ‘no’. i don’t judge, but i’m just not that kind of person. i know people who cry every day but personally, we are in the middle of a pandemic, my father recently passed away, i’ve lost my job and am studying for an exam my life is pretty dependent upon, and i haven’t cried in months. yet, i swear, there were a couple of times, both writing this and editing it, when i had to step away from the screen because i could feel a lump in my throat. that had never happened to me before. i didn’t, like, bawl or anything but god i felt it. i don’t know if it’s because it’s my first time killing an oc, someone who was really mine but boy. giulia. i kept trying to find ways not to kill her, or apologising to her. to me, she’s tom’s last victim and that really, fucking hurts. if you’re hurting too, i don’t really know what to tell you. i’m sorry, i suppose. her death was needed for … plot purposes, lol. god, i’m the worst haha.

re:harry/ginny: i must say i really like where they end up, at the end of this. i had planned this to a certain extent. i was always under the impression that they would talk over christmas, but not get back together. however, the reason why they weren’t getting back together, in my head, was initially quite different. i initially didn’t have ginny dating someone else. i think i mentioned i was toying with the idea in the a/n for last chapter, but at the time i wasn’t truly sold on it. then, i ended up writing the scene i’d originally planned for them and it didn’t quite fit. what i’d planned, at the time, felt rather ooc for ginny when actually on paper. on the other hand, harry, under my fingertips, kept trying to kiss her and i kept hitting the delete button. i swear, i know it sounds weird to people who might not be writers but sometimes, your characters really do seem to have their own agendas. when i caved, let him kiss her, then the scene took on a different meaning, and, i hope, a better one. i think something clicked there and it feels like a good place for act one to end. obviously, they’ll get back together cause this follows cannon so you know, not much suspense there. it’s more about the how than the what, to me.

re:ginny’s letters: this idea came to me a while ago, actually. i was thinking that they’d need to talk about what happened last year, but i was kind of struggling on the how. having character a tell a story to character b is always a bit difficult, in writing, because it can quickly end up being boring. like, when ginny tells harry about christmas last year and lupin, in this chapter, telling that in dialogue is already rather long an laborious, and it’s overall such a short story. for harry, it’s easy. i’m in his head so he can just say ‘he told her about the hallows’ and the dialogue can be about their reaction, rather than the events itself. but ginny, she needs to share facts, as well as feelings. and doing that through long monologues just didn’t appeal. first, it’s quickly boring and second, it’s also kind of ooc. she’s not giulia, you see.

i did entertain the idea of completely skimming past it. ‘she told him about last year and he was horrified.’ - moving on. but, i don’t know, that didn’t feel quite right either, because i think they need to exchange, and talk, and that just felt like a copout. also, to be honest, it’s a very difficult story to tell. like, i’ve seen people in fics being like ‘so, harry sat down all of the weasleys and told them everything the trio did in seventh year,’ and i’m like that’s so difficult, though. sitting someone down and telling them all about your trauma, with little preamble, just setting it all out there, i can’t imagine ginny (or, frankly, most people) actually doing that, you know? we reveal bits of ourselves bit by bit, not all at once.

then, it hit me: she’s a writer, isn’t she? at least, she is canonically in first year, with not only the diary but also the poems, then writing for the prophet. obviously, the diary thing would have riled her up a bit but i do think in the end, she would probably have been like: no, i won’t let him take writing away from me, you know? so yeah, letters. daily letters. you won’t see all of them in next chapter, but probably quotes from the most important ones, things that harry reads. that’s where he gets his facts about her story last year, and then they can focus on their feelings about it. fab! something to look forward to, haha.

now, re: the future. as i said, we are entering act two. act two will gradually become more "fun" and fluffy, i suppose, but i won’t lie, we will be keeping the same happy/sad vibe that a lot of you have commented on with this fic. it exists for a reason (as i said, life is about sex, but it’s also about funerals). as i said before, this fic is, above all, an exploration of what ‘all was well’ actually means.

this being said, this isn’t an 8th year fic. there is a very specific future pov from which this fic is being narrated, and that’s in october 2027 (i know, precise). obviously i have 28 years to get through in act two so that will affect the way that the timeline is designed. it will obviously be more spread out, especially in the later chapters. this being said, while i have about a million of ideas for all the space in between and a very clear view of what the last chapter will be, the exact layout of each chapter is still slightly blurry. i haven’t sat down to put all my ideas in chronological order yet, as well as into some sort of chapter structure, which is also why i can’t really tell if it’ll be six or seven chapters in the end. all of this to say, there’s still quite a bit of work to be done.

this means that, as i said in the a/n, i don’t think you’ll get next chapter until at least, may. please don’t think that this means i’ll be abandoning this fic or anything, it’s just that i’ll be doing work you probably won’t see. i’m probably going to take the rest of march off writing to study (bar maybe a roar-series Harry&Hermione friendship one shot? maybe) then take april to plan and write as much of the next chapters i possibly can. ideally, by the end of april i can have a first draft of the whole thing. i desperately want to write as much as i can now that I’m jobless in the hopes that when i do find a job (again, interview tomorrow, pray for me), i can just have editing to do at the weekends. but we all know i relate to harry on a very deep level when he says ‘when have our plans ever worked, anyway?’ so we will see, haha.

anyway, these were all the thoughts off the top of my head, re: this chapter. if you have any questions or other things you’d like me to ramble about, feel free to send in questions, my ask box is always open. i know i probably think about this fic (and hp) way too much but i’m an extrovert and my hobbies used to include travelling, pints at the pub, dating and, well, there’s none of that anymore, is there, lol? the uk has stolen our vaccines (fucking brexit) so here’s to being obsessed with fictional worlds i wish i could live in for a while longer,

i will now go and endlessly refresh my email for reviews and kudos, like the attention seeking basic bitch i am haha.

have a fab evening, everyone!

#castles #is out baby #whoop whoop

[confusedinfj]

Story Writing Tips

@realentj gave me some writing tips I've been searching for my whole life. And since I never found them, I decided to articulate them for other people who - like me - are hacking their writing by following vague writing advice. Hopefully this helps at least one person 😊

Also, I'm not saying the examples I've given are good. I'm just trying to demonstrate mild improvement 😂

Common Advice Evils

Write what you know = vague. Write SOMETHING you know. Like emotions and feelings of the characters - that's the reason we can read Sci Fi and fantasy.

Show, don't tell = pages of wasted space. Maybe your character is a hypochondriac who can tell their heart is burning as tears run down their face, maybe they're an emotionally unaware person who just goes 'I was sad - idk why'. Say it like the character would.

More dialogue! = no. Dialogue is boring. More thoughts, thoughts about what people are saying. More thoughts than dialogue. NO: 'hi' 'how's it going?' 'good thanks, you?'. YES: 'hi.' She seemed flat today. I wondered why. 'How's it going?' Maybe she'd mention what was wrong.

Set the scene = too many pointless descriptions. Give us the character's thoughts - if they don't notice anything, don't mention it. NO: I walked into the big room. The walls were red, there were three chandeliers, the floor was shiny, there were people everywhere. The room was hot, there were 15 candles... ' YES: I walked into the room, immediately struck by the size. There were chandeliers on the roof, and I stood there, staring at them.

Avoid writing in the first person = terrible advice. I personally find writing in the first person easy - it helps me know what is and isn't important to include.

Keep it simple = good advice. Overcomlicating your plot will bore the reader. You can have a complicated plot, but you're gonna have to make it SEEM simple.

Let your character suffer = good, but don't make them suffer for the sake of it. Suffering looks different for everyone, there's a lot of wiggle room here. It could be as simple as offending a friend for a few days.

Just write = good advice! It doesn't need to be perfect, I needs to be done.

My tips

Write scenes like a movie. This way you'll have less pointless stuff, and something will always be happening for a reason.

Write images, not ideas. My brain seems to work like Brooklyn Nine-Nine or Scrubs, with all the cut scenes. Let your character think the same way if it's right! So instead of: I thought about standing up on the table, in the middle of the room, and screaming. Everyone would probably stare at me if I did that. Try: I pictured myself standing on the table in the middle of the room, screaming, everyone staring at me.

Format things well. It makes it easier to read. If you press tab on a new line it gives it professional looking indents, and it's much easier to read.

Get good at punctuation. This allows you to get the sound of real speech across while still being readable. So instead of: They were on the left and the right they were everywhere. Try: They were left, right - everywhere!

Don't use semicolons. You're probably not using them correctly, and they look obnoxious anyway. Use dashes instead. They're harder to misuse, and they look much more conversational.

Don't try. Just be honest. Writers who try tend to get bogged down in pointless metaphors and needless imagery. Just write.

Let the deeper meaning appear. Don't force it. If you sit down to write a story about x, y, and z you'll probably bore yourself to death.

Write about people. People like people. Even if you have the coolest plot in the world, no one will read it without people. All the best books almost sound boring when you describe them - they're just about people.

Thoughts and feelings. Not descriptions and dialogue. This is what people read stories for, try to get them right. So while you can do: She had blue eyes, blonde hair, and a blue dress. She had a small face. I was a little scared of her. This tells us more about your character: She had blue eyes - that was the first thing I noticed about her. They felt cold, so I looked away. It describes less, but ways more about the thoughts and feelings of the character.

Be honest. Pls don't sit down and try to skip straight to being Tolkien or Keats. Your writing will sound so forced and inflated.... Just be honest when you write.

Write casually. This is a good way to learn to write well, because you won't be distracted trying to sound smart.

Cut words. Any word you can cut, cut it. Pronouns, conjunctions, phrases that could be turned into one word.... Cut 'em. So instead of writing: He was running after me, and I needed to escape. I ran away quickly, breathing heavily. I didn't know where to go. Try: He ran after me - I needed to escape. Running, breathing heavily - I didn't know where to turn.

CONSISTENT CHARACTERS. Maybe it's totally believable your uptight character suddenly wants to do drugs - but you better make sure it is. Don't make your characters do things for the sake of it. If you want your uptight character to do drugs but can't think of a reason why they would, be more creative - maybe it could be an accident? People hate inconsistent characters, and saying 'they're not inconsistent because they're my characters' is just lazy. My biggest pet peeve: Characters ending up together when they really wouldn't. Don't do it.

Say it how the character would. This means you CAN tell, you don't ways have to show! You can totally just write: it was a big house. Didn't think much of the colour though.

Point out things the character cares about. Don't bother describing everything in the house if the character doesn't think it's important. Your character can walk into a mansion and literally be like: x-box. That's all I saw.

Explain your character's feelings. Sometimes having them cry and say they're sad isn't enough. If you do this well, the reader should feel something too. So instead of just: She was upset with me, so I began crying. I was sorry to let her down. You could try: I'd let her down - she was so upset, she was crying, all because of me. I began to cry too, angry that I couldn't be better, stronger. Obvs don't overdo it 😂

Let your character's thoughts ramble. You can even let them cut themselves off mid sentence. Instead of: I tried to figure it out. Was it possible that she flew? No, that seemed to be taking things a little too far. Try: I mean, I suppose it was possible that - no. No, that was a little too far.

Don't over explain things. Say it the simplest, most obvious way and move on. You can always fix it later if you have to. The best writing is simple and honest.

Write down stuff that feels embarrassing and hurts. I don't usually keep that stuff in its first form, but I do keep the essence. It's helpful to see it written down and realise what you're going for.

Let your character miss things. This works particularly well in first person. It means you don't have to explain or describe every single thing, it's very relieving.

Find your voice. Your character's voice that is. You don't need your voice, you need to hear your character. I like to pick a person and write as if they're talking. They can even have multiple voices, like a lot of people have when they're aeghong or talking to themself. If you can hear your character's voice, it will be harder to write them doing something they would never do - you just won't be able to see it.

Have fun! Write things you think are fun - play around with your writing.

Love your story. Even if you don't like the way you've done it, love the story. Learn to separate the story from the actual writing. That way you'll be motivated to go back and fix it later.

Take advice. If you can find it, and it can be hard to come by. Try out anything suggested, you never know what might work!

Ignore the haters. That is, people who insult you and your writing without giving any tips. They're just mean. So many famous authors weren't published until at least 35. Writing is a skill, keep working on it!

Bonus tip: Don't kill characters for the sake of it. It's annoying. Character death should have a point. Yes, that point can be death can seem pointles, but that point doesn't belong in every story, and it shouldn't be repeated multiple times. Then you just look like a psycho and you'll annoy the reader. Just - don't do anything to your characters for the sake of it. Forced tribulation is annoying to the reader.

Bonus bonus tip: pls don't write a story that hinges on a basic miscommunication. If it can be fixed in two minutes in a conversation, it's probably a cliche... Definitely overused in films!

#not mbti #writing #fiction #stories #writing tips #tips #advice #description #writing style #writing descriptions #writing advice #story writing

[awesome-timtams]

Avengers: Endgame Spoiler Review/Thoughts and shit

(if you want me to add more tags to this, just comment or something and I’ll get on it ASAP)

Alright, so I saw Avengers: Endgame this morning. I guess this is going to be a review of sorts? Mostly just me typing out all my thoughts. So yeah, review, theories (ish?) and other things amongst all that.

 I did this last year for Infinity War and it was a huge mess. I decided to actually properly capitalise my words this time so it’s a bit more readable lmao. I’ve sort of had all day (12 hours) to really think about this so hopefully it’s a bit more coherent than my last year’s mindless rambling? I’m already rambling. Welp ;-;

 MAJOR SPOILERS UNDERNEATH CUT!! DO NOT PRESS READ MORE IF YOU DON’T WANT TO READ MORE.

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Everybody who doesn’t want spoilers gone? This is your last chance.

  Ok, first things first, the movie is fucking amazing. There were so many instances where I cried, or laughed, or just really wanted to fucking scream because holy hell this movie was really intense. Honestly, I thought the humour managed to flow into the dramatic scenes really well. There was never a moment where I felt like a joke fell flat or came in at an inappropriate time.

 The feels. THE FEELS. The emotions. I can't. I was already sobbing by the time the first 20 minutes were over. A character appears on screen? Tears. Every single time there was a team shot? Tears. Somebody even opens their mouth to say something? Tears. But yeah, this movie made me an emotional wreck and I can't even.

 The movie starting off with Clint, and his family turning into dust? Expected, but still incredibly cruel, and still hurt a lot. Like, damn, I knew Endgame was going to be intense, but being reduced to tears in the first five minutes was incredibly unfair and just goddamned hurtful. Clint's dedication to his family was really sweet and I just garghhhhhhhhhh I loved it.

 So yeah. Character deaths. Natasha dying just about ruined my century, so thanks Marvel. I first started panicking when they said they were gonna get the stones, and Clint and Natasha were heading to Vormir. And then it kinda hit me that one of them was gonna have to sacrifice the other for the stone. And then the whole scene with Clint and Natasha trying to beat each other into throwing themselves off the cliff. Dumbasses. Why couldn't they both just live and nobody has to sacrifice anybody? And now I feel depressed again ;-; . On the other hand, I'm sort of happy that Natasha at least died feeling like she'd made amends for her past (she didn't have to she was already amazing :'(( ). Her character arc finished with her sacrifice and wow that's so depressing ;-;;; At least we get to see her in the Black Widow movie one last time? ;-;

 And Tony. I honestly didn't really think Marvel was going to go through with Tony's death tbh. I think it was probably one of the most depressing scenes I've had to witness with my own two eyes ever, and I definitely wasn't ready for it to happen. I fucking broke when Peter started crying and calling him 'Tony' because like, have we ever seen him refer to Tony as anything other than Mr Stark? I fucking lost it man. And Tony had Pepper, and he was married to her, and they had a little house by the lake, and a daughter (his daughter is so precious omg). And now he's dead and she'll grow up without her father I just fucking arGHHHHHHH. Honestly I just feel really attacked and hurt and this movie has ruined me. At least he got closure with his father. That was kinda a really sweet scene, and I cried at that too. I cried at fucking everything in this movie ;-;

 But yes, depressing scenes aside, can we just. Take a moment to talk about the final battle? Because that scene was absolutely splendid. I loved how every character got a couple seconds to themselves to just have a little hero moment, and how they did the whole girl power thing with the whole squad and they were so badass and I sort of teared up at that part too because they were all so amazing and I just love them so much and the only thing that would've made that scene better would be if Natasha had been with them but she can't because she's fucking dead oh my god.

 But when the portals opened up and all the characters stepped out of them. It looked fucking magical. I swear to God I had So Many Chills. It was just so fucking amazing to watch them all step out as one and yanno…”Avengers, Assemble!”. God bless them all. The audience lost their shit at this bit. Screaming and clapping and it was just absolutely breathtaking to see this scene. Like, there's just this energy, yanno? And the group shots. T’Challa leading his kingdom into the fight. Tony and Pepper’s really cute scene in their armour together. And, can we just take a break to talk about our fucking lord and saviour Steve Rogers? I love that boy so much holy shit. When Thor was about to die, and Mjolnir had flown in and hit Thanos, before flying off to the person who had thrown it. And it’s Steve Fucking Rogers, standing there holding Mjolnir? And he starts walking down the battlefield with his half broken shield in one hand and Mjolnir in the other? That was such a powerful image have I mentioned I fucking love Steve Rogers? But yeah, I love how they carried that on from AoU. But then that sort of begs the question: was Steve really able to lift Mjolnir in AoU but didn’t because he didn’t want to draw more attention to himself, or was he just not able to because he hadn’t reached peak worthiness yet?

 Also, the whole New York scene was just amazing, fucking hilarious and just amazing. Who knew that all we needed to make a sequence great was to have a 100% necessary focus on Steve's ass? Jokes aside, it was really nostalgic seeing the whole 2012 New York battle again. I especially loved how they let us see parts that actually weren't in the movie, like the whole 'Avengers running into Pierce' thing. And how HYDRA got their hands on the sceptre. Seeing Steve do the whole 'Hail Hydra' thing to blend in kinda gave me chills lol. And Steve's fight with 2012!Steve was also really amazingly done and I fucking loved that sequence. The whole "I can do this all da-" "yeah yeAH I kNow I knOOW" was fucking hilarious tbh. (And also: "That is America's ass…")

Also, can I say that Steve was just really done with everything in this movie lmao. He was a solid fucking mood honestly. (”Are you shitting me??” “...he’s a baby.” “-.-”) And then his scene with Bucky at the end oh my goddd. “Don’t do anything stupid.” “How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you.” And honestly I sort of died right there...It’s also this moment I’m realising Bucky probably knew about Steve’s plans, because otherwise they wouldn’t have said goodbye like that if Steve was only going to be gone for a bit. And Bucky wasn’t panicked at all when Steve missed the jump back. So what, does that mean they planned for Steve to have his dramatic ass entrance back into the present by appearing besides the lake? Kind of a funny image lol. Anyway, I’ll stop talking about Steve lmao.

 Thor was fucking amazing in this movie tbh. His first scene in the future is hilarious, with the whole drunkard attitude and the beer gut and Korg playing fucking Fortnite Jesus Christ. His scene with Frigga in the movie also made me cry so much. It kinda made me realise he never really managed to get a proper goodbye with his mother before she died, yanno? And now he's finally getting it, and he can go on to the future with the knowledge that his mother is proud of him and believes he's a hero and afilajiopklgskl. Also, the pure joy when he finds out he's still worthy of Mjolnir? Such a sweet happy wholesome character despite all the losses he's gone through ;-; . Although, since he has decided to join the Guardians, does that mean he's going to be in Guardians of the Galaxy 3? And we know how there's been talk of a Thor 4 recently, right? It's probably just code for GOTG3 lol.

 And finally, Bruce Banner. It was really funny to see him emerge as a mix of himself and Hulk together, I'm not gonna lie. A lot of people in the audience started laughing when we saw the Hulk emerge in a sweater and jeans or whatever the hell he was wearing. But yeah, Bruce was great. When he volunteered himself to wield the Infinity Gauntlet v2.0? Legendary. But yeah, I honestly don't have much to say about Bruce honestly. Other than the fact that he dabbed at the beginning of the movie. Legendary. And when Scott spilled his tacos so Bruce offered him more with the purest smile on his face? I melted. Legendary.

 Anyway, miscellaneous thoughts time. I'm lowkey sort of kinda disappointed Nebula didn't get to kill Thanos? Like, I feel like, if anybody really deserved to kill that asshole, it was Nebula. She's suffered an entire life of torture and abuse from this dickhead, and has been manipulated by him so many times to do his dirty work. And how she still couldn't stop seeing him as a father figure in the end, despite all the terrible shit he's done to her? Actually, that's probably why she didn't get to kill him lol. And also, Sam Wilson is the new fucking Captain America bitches. I really fucking hoped that, if under any circumstances Steve had to give up his shield, it would go to Sam Wilson, because he fucking deserves it. Of course, I wouldn't have minded it going to Bucky, but my poor baby's already been through enough ;-; . Let him rest ;-; (but then, there's the whole Falcon and Winter Soldier show coming up fuck I'm so excited for it lmao).

 And also, Valkyrie. Is now. The new Queen of Asgard. I can't even. My baby girl deserves fucking everything :') She deserves the title of Queen so much and I'm so glad that's a new development. Hopefully we get to see more of her in the future and how she fares with the title of leader in Asgard :'D

 But yeah, I think that's about it for what I have on characters. So, moving on to theories and sort of plot holes I suppose?

 So, have we had any news on what the Loki show is going to focus on? I haven't really been paying enough attention to news on the shows tbh. But if nothing's been confirmed yet, I sort of have a theory. So we know how, when they're trying to get the Space Stone in New York, they fail and Loki gets away with the stone? I'm wondering if the TV show might potentially focus on what he does after he escapes New York with the stone. It's a possibility, I suppose.

 And now, finally, one of my biggest…annoyances (? I'm not sure this is the word I want to use but the only other word that's coming to mind is iffs which isn't even a real word so moving on) (edit: issues! I found the right word :D . The word I want to use is issues lol) with the movie is the last scene. 

Steggy is a fucking blessed ship, and I love them, don't get me wrong. The plane scene in TFA and the hospital scene in TWS never fail to reduce me to a big sobbing fucking baby. And I'm so fucking happy that they finally got the dance that's been promised to them for so many decades. But the whole thing just doesn't really make sense to me.

 So basically, in the earlier parts of the movie, Bruce has already stated that time travel does not work like how we've all been trained to understand from other parts of pop culture. It's not quite travelling to the past, as nothing they do there will affect their future. What I interpreted from that (and I could be wrong, but this is my understanding) is that when they travel to the past, they end up creating a separate branch of events and shit that diverges from the timeline of events that will lead to their present. It doesn't erase their present, but just sort of forms a permanent branch, you feel? So, Steve travelling back to the past in order to live his life with Peggy only to end up in their present again brought in a huge amount of plot holes.

 For Steve to have lived a life with Peggy and marry her, that would mean events would change drastically. I doubt they got married in secret, so people must've known 'Steve' was alive and OK. Would that mean the search for the past Steve that's still frozen in the Arctic stop, since they're all assuming he's alive? If that happens, that means the Tesseract would've never been found, and that would've led to a whole bunch of other events that would definitely not allow for grandpa Steve to join up again with the MCU's present timeline, as it would've brought him into a different branch instead.

 But, hypothetically, let's say Steve lives with Peggy in secret. They get married in secret, nobody knows he's still alive, they continue with the search, yadda yadda. Now, since Steve is from the future, he would know that SHIELD is being infiltrated by HYDRA, and that Bucky would still be alive and is currently being the Winter Soldier and doing assassin-y shit. And I really, really, highly doubt that Steve would just live a life with Peggy and not interrupt with any of this shit. It's just so against his nature to ignore all of this? So, let's say he does root out HYDRA. That would affect the future. TWS, and everything afterwards would've never happened. So it definitely wouldn't be possible for Steve to return to the MCU's current, present timeline if he lived out his life, as he would've been, once again, on a different, permanently separated branch.

 Let's say, hypothetically, he lived with Peggy in secret. Nobody knew he was alive. He knew HYDRA was growing inside SHIELD and didn't do anything. He knew his best friend was being tortured and brainwashed for decades and didn't do anything. Even then, him just living with Peggy and marrying her would've changed all the events and wouldn't have allowed him to just let his branch converge with the present MCU timeline without messing around with some serious science and shit (which is all highly unlikely tbh).

 So basically, what I'm trying to say is, the whole last scene is fucked and can't have happened without saying 'fuck-it-all' to the rules established in the movie. But yeah, that was just the one and only glaring issue to me I couldn't stop thinking about. But either way, I loved the way the movie ended with the Steggy scene. It was really beautiful and sweet and just everything we could've wanted for their dance :')) . It was also a really bittersweet sort of tone to end the film on? Absolutely gorgeous. 

(edit: wow OK so I made a whole separate post just for this scene because a couple days after I posted this, I realised my thoughts and feelings towards this scene had changed and I had a lot more to say about it. So. Yeah. Here it is.)

 But anyway. Shit. That's it. I've spent this whole past year thinking about this movie and waiting for it, and now that I've watched it and it's over, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. This whole day, I've been feeling incredibly empty honestly. I'm still not quite over Natasha and Tony, and I don't think I'll ever be (which, by the way. Marvel, I'll be sending you the bill for all the emotional trauma you've caused.) But this movie was a bloody masterpiece, and I fucking loved it. The trip down memory lane with the time travel was honestly so incredibly implemented. I was really worried when I realised time travel was going to be involved with this movie, because it introduces a device that can retcon everything and just basically takes away the emotional impact of every event that happens because you can just time travel. But the fact that they introduced the mechanic where you can't affect the past by travelling there does close that issue up. Well done. Very clever.

 But, yeah. Fuck. It's over. 11 years, and it went out with a bang. I honestly have no idea how Marvel is gonna top this for the next era. It seems almost impossible, honestly. I just really hope they do, because I would hate to have a franchise as amazing as the MCU end up fizzling out because their most impressive movie came years before the end and they end up never being able to top it. But these are probably just irrational worries.

 Anyway, final score. 14000605/1. Would definitely watch again. Just not immediately. I still haven't fully digested the movie, and I still feel really empty and full of emotions at the same time even though it's been more than 12 hours since I've seen the movie. So yeah. Imma wait a bit, and then I'll probs rewatch it.

 Anyway, rant over. Hope you enjoyed, I guess? I nearly burst into tears so many times trying to write this fucking thing. If you've seen the movie, feel free to DM me. I'm always up to chat with people lol. And if you haven't seen the movie, what the fuck are you doing reading this? Go watch the damned movie. Christ.

 I might end up making edits to this if I think up of more things to talk about. Or maybe I'll make a separate post. I'll probs make a separate post. But anyway. Farewell, y'all. Time to go hide under my blankets and cry until Far From Home comes out.

 (Also, this thing is 3069 words. Wow. Jesus Christ. If I put this amount of effort into my assignments, I’d be bringing in straight As. Oops.)

#avengers endgame #marvel #mcu #avengers #endgame #endgame spoilers #avengers endgame spoilers #mcu meta #mcu spoilers #marvel spoilers #avengers: endgame #avengers: endgame spoilers #spoilers #spoiler #mcu spoiler #marvel spoiler #avengers endgame spoiler #endgame spoiler #avengers spoiler #i've typed out the word spoilers so many times it's sort of lost all meaning

[tenebraetrash17]

Yeet, I know I misspelled XIII, I’m sorry

OK! So some context! Up here in the Lightis discord, we talk au’s and stuff like that, right? Right! Not necessarily Lightis ones, we have a multitude. 

One that @shadowdarkleonidascrusade came up with was a sitcom au, so I went and made an intro after @candy--pop mentioned “Final Fantasy with the F.R.I.E.N.D.S opening.”

But, so I’ve had other ideas that I haven’t put up there either, like so

The soldier characters? Like, Lightning, Cloud, Sephithot, Zack, Loqi and Ravus? They have their own episodes that are like The Office and Cid Raines is like their boss or something. Squall could be an intern there or something because young??

I mean, the dynamic would be funny enough?

Ravus: If another musical breaks out again, I’m going to hang myself.

*Camera cut to Loqi drumming on his desk*

Loqi: Everybody....hmmmmm...everyboooody.....everybody....rock your body right....

Zack, from across the room: BACKSTREETS BACK, ALRIGHT!!!

*camera cut to Cloud*

Cloud: This happens at least twice a week. I’ve learned to bring ear plugs. *sticks them in his ears and closes his eyes*

Lightning: If I have to put up with any more of this, I’ll hang myself. Well, actually, no, but, I want to- *as she’s talking you can just see Ravus in the background walking away with some rope and Cloud running to drag him back*

Ravus, now tied to his chair: This is giving me gray hairs..... *Zack is in the background and he looks up like “Um....”*

Also, there could be a segment where it’s like

Cloud: When I’m stressed, I like to drink coffee and turn on music. It helps get me through life. *get’s hit in the head with an airplane, courtesy of Zack*

Lightning: *laughs and holds up a beer bottle*

Ravus: .....I don’t have any stress reliever. Prompto says to try this one thing, but.....I-I don’t do that.

Ravus, only this time sitting somewhere else and looking as if he’s been talked into taking “Gyashi Greens”: ....I suppose this is why they call me the High Commander.

Idk, but the soldiers in an office setting just really amuse me?

Zack: Yeah, I dunno....I guess I’m getting some vibes from Sephy that he might be gay? 

*Camera cut to Sephiroth strolling up to the copy machine*

Sephiroth: Move, I’m gay!

*Now back to Zack*

Zack: .......Nah! He couldn’t be!

Also, there could be quality short jokes on Loqi as he stands on his desk and angrily yells “I AM NOT SHORT!!” as almost everyone towers over him.

And behold Cid’s constant mood:

I can kinda see the chocobros with more of a “That 70′s Show” kind of style, along with the whole table sitting and the camera moving around in a circle like how it does.

Like, they would be episodes that are kind of random and mainly focused on one set of characters for these types and not the commonly used formula as it would be a lot more ‘crossover-ish’ more often than not, but this is just me dumping a bunch of ideas everywhere.

So it’s like, the main series is just all the characters getting into shenanigans while episodes like these are just juicy little bits to add variety.

Like, maybe Serah, Luna and Iris all get together and it’s like “Siblings, am I right?” and have quality good pure girl bonding time. Aranea joins from time to time when they go out for drinks.

I know I spoke a lot about the whole Office part more, but I really like that formula and had a lot of ideas I didn’t want to spill everywhere. SO! Y’KNOW.

WHY DID I WORD THIS LIKE IT WAS GOING TO BE A LEGIT THING? I HAVE NO IDEA FGHJK.

Yeet, hopefully those discord texts are readable!

NOT GONNA LIE, I REALLY JUST WANTED TO MAKE A HIGH COMMANDER JOKE

#final fantasy #final fantasy au #chocobros #final fantasy xiii #final fantasy xv #final fantasy vii #lightning farron #cloud strife #ravus nox fleuret #zack fair #cid raines #sephiroth #loqi tummelt #ardyn izunia #nyx ulric

[boyslaughplus]

Devlog #39 - Teal's Art Pt.1 - A Dark Place

Okay lovely people, this blog had a little summer break but we’re back with content! (ﾉﾟ▽ﾟ)ﾉ Actually with a little back log of content. In this post Pectin shows how he worked on a painting!

Our last devlog on tumblr was #36. We’re jumping over #37 and #38 and get right to #39 ‘cause #37 & #38 were announcements that aren’t relevant anymore. (They are on our homepage tho. We always cry about them on twitter first!).

This devlog has been written by @pekuchin on one specific artwork that appears in  //TODO: today. More from him now: “Now that introductions are made, a few notes: First, the artwork I'm discussing has been created in July 2017. So there're minor details I'm not sure of anymore - like brush settings. Second, I used Clip Studio Paint and Photoshop (only the default round brushes).  And third, I hope you can take something away from this and enjoy the read. <3

What for?

Like every asset I make for any project I have to be sure of the context in which it'll be used or appear. I've revealed before that this piece was supposed to be shown in the game as "Teal's art"

It appears to represent Teal's artistic style

and the player will see four stages of the picture as they're involved in the making of it.

In the story, Teal would make this piece for a competition hosted by the fictional games company "Naughty Cat". The competition asked artists to draw anything related to "Titan Watch Online", a MMORPG Teal loves to play:

The setting is a dystopian future

and characters have classes and skills reminiscent of popular fantasy MMORPGs.

Teal plays as a character that combines elements of a rogue and a healer.

All of these points are on my checklist of what we needed of  the artwork in the game.

Expressing Teal's Mind

Based on my assumption that experience, personality and mood shape the artstyle, I thought about what kind of artstyle Teal would have. Because Teal already has been an artist in their past, I thought it sensible that they had a good grasp of basics like colours/light, composition and contrasts, etc.. So I focused on the workflow and visual expressions they would use. Here I browsed for artists and their work online to find inspiration too. While I had the checklist I also came up with new ideas as I tried things out on the canvas.

Stage One

Teal wasn't at peace with themself back then. So the motif of inner conflict came to me. We also concluded that Teal would most likely paint their own avatar. Like I mentioned before the character was kind of a healer and rogue hybrid.

I struggled to find a cool pose and ended up having the main character of the illustration sit as if to heal a wounded ally. To make it more interesting I gave him a dagger. Like this, it's unclear if the character hurt the other or helps them. I liked this ambiguity in relation to Teal's situation. This sketch was done in Clip Studio Paint because I like making anything line-related in CSP best.

Stage Two

Here I switched to Photoshop and began putting colours on top a black canvas. I got a feeling of how I wanted the lighting to be at this stage as well.

Although Joyce helped Teal pick up the pen again, Teal was basically depressed at that point in the story so they likely felt more comfortable using darker colours and motifs. I chose this for the symbolical meanings of darkness and the related emotions as well. Also I don't want to generalize and believe that depression comes in all kinds of colours. (ﾉ~o~)ﾉ

To keep myself from getting lost in details I decided to paint everything on one layer and only duplicated the layer to document the progress.

Stage Three

The ugly phase. Every painting I do has an ugly phase which immediately occurs after I seriously start messing around. ( ･ิ,_ゝ･ิ) This one isn't in the game as an asset and I'm glad for it. The number of pieces that appeared in the game depended on the instances in //TODO: today when Teal actually sat down to paint. And back then we considered having 5 instances but settled on 4 in the end.

I was pretty proud of the background, which was intended to be a dark back alley but accidentally turned into a roadside at night. :'3 Because everything was on one layer, I finished the background first before I began painting the character "on top".

Stage Four

From stage three I really got into "the zone" while shaping out the characters. Because I mostly work with lines and flat colours, I noticed how "3 dimensional" painting feels to me. It's quite fun! (ノ゜▽゜)

Back when I did the character concept designs for Teal I also imagined them to be kind of sloppy. Hence an artstyle without immaculately drawn lines, but blocky shapes where you can still see the paint strokes would fit. (I was also under time-pressure and didn't want to over-complicate things.)

At this point one could declare the painting as finished. So after the player bothered to sit down with Teal and Joyce to work on the Naughty Cat competition artwork they would be rewarded with this illustration (which was hopefully satisfying for your eyes).

Stage Five

And for the really motivated artists who went a step further this one was the glammed up version of the preliminary stage. The last 10-5% that make the illustration a bit more eye-catching. Here I played around with "Overlay" layers to balance the composition, shift the focus on the readability of painting (character > long arm > healing hand > unconscious person), added some magenta blood and added Teal's official artist signature.

I thought it would be interesting for the avatar to have some kind of resemblance to Teal. Did you spot the similarities? (^0^)

Altogether I did the painting on two evenings. And I believe in three sessions, which is my usual way to go when I don't have time for more breaks.

1st Session: OKAY imma do the art!! And I only need to make 3 sketches this time...promise! 2nd Session: OH GODS it so ugly. I have to stand up and walk away to give my eyes a break from this thing I created. 3rd Session: I've returned to my ugly child with new insights into live and fresh eyes that actually spot mistakes! Time to fix things up!

And that's all of it today. I hope you liked the extra info on my work and have a nice [week]! (๑ ́ᄇ`๑)”

This devlog was originally posted on the 13th June 2019 :3

#indie #game #development #Indiegame #otome game #todo today #todotoday #visual novel #devlog #indiedev #gameart #art #tutorial

[andcurioser]

Avengers: Endgame - Here, Have Some Thoughts

At last, it is time to discuss Endgame. I’m still not totally sure how I feel about the movie. It’s the sort of thing I think will take time and rewatches to be totally certain of. But I want to get some stuff down here as a starting point, and then see how my opinions develop as time goes on. So, let’s ramble. 

General Thoughts:

I’ve been trying to figure out my overall sense of it, and I can’t really decide if it was a letdown or not. I don’t think it was explicitly disappointing, but the fact of the matter is, it was never going to be everything we wanted. It never could be. The best way I can put it is this: throughout the past year, I’ve had a lot of fun theorizing about what could happen in Endgame. Infinity War set up enough exciting possibilities, and as a fandom person, I specialize in coming up with things the narrative could do/could have done but didn’t. So the second that one potential plot was locked in as the one they were going with, there was a certain amount of wistfulness at the paths we weren’t going to take. That’s no one’s fault. They had to decide on something, and this was essentially what I’d expected for a long time. Still. When trying to figure out today if I feel like the movie delivered on a general level, I can’t really say it didn’t, but I can’t say I feel wholly satisfied either. Alas. That’s what fanfic is for.

So to that end: the movie was fun. It was a lot of fun to watch. After all that buildup, I was just tremendously excited to see what was actually going to happen. It was an enjoyable watch, and parts of it were quite good. Other parts, less so. I think they did some things very right and had a few very big misses. But I appreciate what they were trying to do, and I appreciate that I saw the care in at least most of it. They dropped the ball hard on a few things, but at least on first watch, I could feel the import of it all. If nothing else, it had the tricky task of placing a capstone (lol, Cap stone) on the extraordinarily ambitious experiment of the MCU, so if I feel a little residual malaise afterwards, well. At least I know they tried. 

When I think back on the movie, it seems like it naturally breaks into three parts, roughly corresponding to each hour of the movie. I think these three parts are uneven in quality, but they all had their strengths and weaknesses. To break them down: 

Part One, which I basically categorize as everything up to the Time Heist

Part Two: the Time Heist itself

Part Three: everything post-Snap Deux

And just as a last note, I’m sort of grouping the Russos and Markus and McFeely into one big team, so when I say the Russos, I’m usually crediting (or blaming) everyone in said team. Just a shorthand. 

For your mercy, since this became genuinely embarrassingly long, the rest is under the cut. I wish I could have collapsed each part into sections, but tumblr is so very limited and I couldn’t figure out if there was a way to do it. So this is what we’ve got. I split it up into sections under headers so you can scroll through to whatever part might interest you, so hopefully that helps its readability at least a bit. Beware: there is a veritable essay under the cut. But let’s bravely forge forward, friends. Onward! 

Part One

The movie was a little slow to start. On the one hand, I truly do appreciate that they tried to give the characters introspective moments instead of having it all be flash bang battle boom. That’s what we’re always asking for, and it’s what these movies need a lot more of. Unfortunately, I’m not 100% convinced they nailed most of said character scenes. I can’t remember everything - after all, I’ve only seen it the once, but I hope to shore up my evidence upon rematch - but while some of it worked for me, some of it didn’t. To make it even more complex, sometimes that happened within the same scene. Prime example:

The Steve and Nat scene. I loved it for Nat. I didn’t like it for Steve. In a very confusing way, this movie both did good and did very dirty by both Nat and Steve. I thought Nat’s characterization was very good. At last, her arc was focused on who I really think she is as a person: someone who cares very deeply about the people she’s let into her life, and someone who puts tremendous pressure on herself to fix everything. Her pain at her failure worked for me. Her inability to let go of what happened tracked. She was vulnerable and emotional but not in a way that betrayed the steel of her character. More than anything, she was allowed to be a person and not just the Sexy Femme Fatale with a snarky line, oh boys, eye-roll hair-flip hip-sway. I’ve said it before and this movie just further proved it: I only trust the Russos with Natasha. They’re the only ones who get her, who let her be multifaceted, who let her be whole. I love them for that, and this movie delivered me Nat in the way I was hoping it would. That’s a definitive Good in its favor. 

Alas. The Steve of it all. I have a lot of things to say about Steve in this movie, and I’m still trying to work it all out. His was the journey I was most focused on, understandably, and the one I was both most anticipating and certainly most dreading. Steve was barely in Infinity War, so I was very curious to see what they’d do with him when he took up a proper leading role again. And...I’m just. I don’t know. It wasn’t bad, mostly (aside from one very large asterisk, but we’re gonna talk about that a lot more later). But it wasn’t great either. It was. Fine. He wasn’t explicitly out of character, but he didn’t feel so essentially Steve like he did in the first two Cap movies. He had great moments, and he had meh ones. I think the scene with Natasha highlights a lot of what felt a little off about Steve for me. In theory, a scene in which Steve and Natasha commiserate would be my absolute bread and butter. But while Natasha worked so well for me, Steve seemed, if not wrong, still a little off. He seemed distant, a bit cold. I guess I just didn’t buy that Steve wouldn’t have been right there with Natasha during those five years. The implication that he’s been largely absent struck an off chord for me. If Nat’s the one in the chair managing the team, Steve’s the first person she’s sending out. Even more, Steve’s the guy in the kitchen, making her a cup of tea to make sure she’s hydrating. Their friendship was there, but it didn’t feel as vital as it did in Civil War. And it was essentially dropped after this scene, which is no good at all. So I don’t know. I think I need to see this scene again - it’s possible I’m not remembering it entirely well. But the fact that it wasn’t a scene I remembered as a standout means there was something missing. 

As for the rest of Part One, I thought it was a bit slow at first. I liked that they didn’t waste much time in going to get Thanos, because that tracked for me, but after the 5 Years Later title card, it started to drag a little. I did like the sense of atmosphere it established, though. Even if the dark, looming haze was a little pathetic fallacy - I suppose Thanos theoretically could control the weather, but I doubt he was bothering - it made for an appropriately effective setting. But Part One felt a little like it was spinning its wheels til Scott showed up. Speaking of which: 

I loved the Scott stuff! Paul Rudd is just so intensely likable, and I think they did a surprisingly good job of incorporating the more lighthearted caper-y feel of the Ant-Man movies into what is usually a more serious Almighty Doom Avengers vibe. But even more, I thought that Paul Rudd did a really good job with the emotional stuff. He’s a good actor! He excels at comedy, but he’s also so good at that stuff because he gets at the emotional cores too. He wasn’t overdoing anything, but when he reunited with Cassie, when he referenced Hope, I felt it. He did great. Scott’s stuff was pretty universally good. 

The Hulk stuff...not so much. On the one hand, it was refreshing to have Bruce/Hulk to be more comedic than ‘woe, for I am a Monster,” but this was...um. Not my favourite. It was just silly. Like, not bad bad. But I definitely didn’t need it. The whole lunch scene was as close to cringe as this movie came, and it was pretty close. I guess I like what it says thematically that Bruce was able to meld the parts of him that had always been in conflict, but I suppose I was hoping for more after the Infinity War storyline. I wanted to know why Hulk refused to come out in IW. I was intrigued by that in a way I hadn’t been intrigued by pretty much any of Bruce’s story lines until then, and the fact that that all disappeared and we got this instead was, well. Let’s use the intellectual term and call it a bummer. 

That being said, Brulk (what I suppose I’ll be calling him from now on) immediately worked better when he went into Thor’s storyline. I maintain that Thor makes everyone better, but I never actually enjoyed any of Bruce’s arcs until Ragnarok, and this movie proved that, unsurprisingly, Thor elevates Brulk like he elevates Rocket and almost every other previously lackluster character he touches. it’s a talent. 

I...did not expect Thor’s strolling to be. That. I really, really didn’t. That was the one true surprise of the movie, frankly. It’s not what I would have picked for him. But I guess I’m not exactly mad about it? For me, Thor is at the point where any storyline, no matter how ridiculous, works for him. Thor’s so good at this point, and Hemsworth is so charming, that I really buy whatever they want to sell me with him (not all they’s. Not Josh Wheat-thin. But we were nowhere near that level of awful). And to be fair, though this was all mostly played for comic relief, I can’t say it’s not also warranted. Thor clearly went overboard with the self-isolation and coping mechanisms, which isn’t strictly in character. But he went through so much, such an outlandishly awful string of events, that I can see how it would break him. It’s a weird way to process all that trauma, but they did the work to get him to a place where I could see him reacting like this. Again, not something I ever expected, and certainly not something I would have written for him. But after all that? I mean, I get it. And the most Thor thing about it was that his version of a breakdown was still sweet and kind to others. He wasn’t great for his people, but he’d given them a home and set them up with leaders who could take care of them, so if he retreated, it wasn’t really abandonment at that point. And when people came to see him, he wasn’t dark and dramatic and all ‘no one can understand my pain.’ He’s not that guy. He’s just too innately good. So even though it was certainly odd, and definitely not my favourite storyline, at least they kept the core of him intact? I’m bright siding here, but still. It’s fair. 

Though truly, I have to say: there’s something about this that I find mildly annoying. Thor and Chris Hemsworth are extremely objectified, and I’m certain that this was intended as a dismantling of the expectations we have for Thor to be the sex god that he is. But also...I don’t know, man. After so many years of us having to endure oversexualized female characters, you couldn’t let us ladies have just this one thing? The one time a male character is openly subjected to the female gaze in any long-term way, and it becomes a joke to remove that? I don’t actually think there was any ill will there. But I do think it speaks to the continuing inability of male writers and directors to really get it. To be absolutely fair, the Russos objectify women way less than the other films do, but still. They might think it’s funny to make fun of a character’s broad sexual appeal appreciated by a female audience by undermining it, but really, it’s just more of the same. 

Yay Korg! Yay Valkyrie being the real leader! Boo Valkyrie still not having a name (seriously, it’s her JOB TITLE. She was one of many Valkyries. Give her a name, for fuck’s sake.)! 

Tony being such a dick at the compound was a surprising move. It was a bad look, but I was intrigued that they’d let their golden boy act that badly. Tony’s always had such deep flaws, but they’ve always been simultaneously excused within the text, so to have him be so rough without excuse was interesting. Of course it was setting up for his ultimate redemption arc, but still. And then cut to 5 Years Later, and finally. This is the TonyI was promised in Iron Man 3, the Tony I still cared about. I liked him again in Infinity War, but I needed to see how they’d follow up to cement it. I’ll never love him like I do some of the others, but the only Tony I ever wanted to invest in is the Tony we finally got, the one who was fully and properly committed to Pepper, and the one who did the work not for his ego or his lack of impulse control, but who did it after a mature and honest discussion with his partner about the pros and cons, about what he was risking and what sort of person it would make him. This movie was primarily a sendoff of characters, and I’m not sure how many were supposed to be fully sent off. Btu there were two characters as the main objective, and the movie at least nailed one of them. 

I was so overwhelmingly ready for Tony Stark, billionaire playboy philanthropist, to go to bed, and for Tony Stark, devoted husband and father who uses his intellect responsibly and thoughtfully, to come forth. He got to keep an edge, but it tempered the parts of him that made him so easy to dislike. It’s too late for me to be a full Tony convert at this point, but I enjoyed him in this movie, and thought he was served better than most, which was 100% to be expected. But frankly, what some people think is a good sendoff is not always what I think is, so I was worried. And I was right to be worried, but surprisingly, not about Tony. More on that later. 

The time travel tests were fun, but I still found everything involving Brulk to be kind of painful to watch, so. Not saying I didn’t laugh here or there, though. 

Was Endgame sponsored by Audi?? Seriously, why was there so much Audi product placement. 

I’m not sure I even want to touch whatever was going on with Clint. I don’t think it was handled particularly well. In theory, the idea that one of them snapped (lol, sorry) at the unfairness of the random dissolving and decided to take out the bad people who should have been snapped away is interesting. But it was so barely glanced at, so underdeveloped, and then proceeded to go nowhere. We were clearly supposed to be concerned at what Clint was doing, but then he suffered no consequences for it? No reckoning, no moment of remorse, no acknowledgement that he’d let himself go too far? What was it all for? I buy that Nat would sacrifice herself to save hi, but it was an extra bitter pill to swallow given that I’m not entirely sure this version of Clint was worth saving. Certainly giving up Nat for him was a price too high. 

The Biggest Flaw

One of the things that disappointed me the most was the lack of presence for the characters who were lost in Infinity War. For a movie that was supposedly about loss and a drive to regain, there was absolutely nothing specific about it? So the whole mission read as generic hero-type “we need to save everyone because it’s the Right Thing to Do,” rather than a need to get their friends and teammates back. Of course the team wants to bring all the millions of people back, and of course they feel a responsibility to them because they had failed to protect them. But where was the sense of loss about their personal friends? Where was the feeling of lacking, that they had to adjust because the people they’d been fighting alongside for years were now gone? Where was their guilt that they’d not only let down the world at large, but the people whose backs they’d promised to always have? I think that’s part of why the first hour felt a little lacking to me. They were all so ad, but about what? The personal stakes were completely removed. The only one who had any degree of it was Clint with his family, but we don’t care about Clint’s family beyond an abstract familiarity. I suppose Tony had his moment with Peter’s picture, which served as an effective motivation. But what about the others? Why were Wanda, Sam, T’Challa, hell, even Vision, never even mentioned? The people they’d lost, the soldiers who’d fallen. That’s what should have made this movie different from the other Avengers ones: not that the team lost a big battle, but that they lost so many of their own because of it. That’s what hit so hard in Infinity War, and why it felt unique. And they didn’t pick that line up again. Such a missed opportunity. 

It’s taken me too long to write all this and I’m starting to forget everything, so fuck it, let’s move on to Part Two. 

Part Two

This was unquestionably the most fun hour of the movie. It's also probably the hour that's going to hold up the best in retrospect, simply because it was a lot of fun and had a good amount of drive without feeling overwrought. A lot of it was gimmicky, but it was the kind of gimmicky that I'm fine with in this type of movie. It was an unrepentant trip down memory lane, complete with all the cameos that get people so excited, and it was a little silly, but it was also a good time. If it was a bit scattered, it was also nostalgic and served as a neat little retrospective of where we've been. So, while it was definitely a little trite in its execution, it was also a lot of fun, so I'm cool with it.

I was highly suspicious of who was assigned to which stone because I knew it was setting up for more meta things rather than practicality. Steve and Tony had to go together to have one last bonding trip, and to be somewhere where they could meet their respective Important People from the past. Nat and Clint had to go together because they were the only team who would be resonant enough for a sacrifice (it couldn't be Steve and Tony that early in the movie, and they would never let Steve and Nat be a team even though by rights they would be). There were definitely more logical times to get some of the stones (seriously, why wouldn't they grab the Tesseract when it was just hanging out in that wall in Norway? Or when it was safely on Asgard in the vaults before Loki took it? Or or or, etc. etc. They chose a window that gave them about 30 seconds to enact the plan. I know, I know the first Avengers movie is a soft spot for most people. But logically, that was very nah.). But whatever. 

The cameos! There were so many, and they were surprisingly high-profile. I had always expected to see Loki again in pretty much this exact scenario, but I did not expect for Robert fucking Redford to make a two-minute cameo. Damn, son. Once I realized we were in the big leagues of cameo season, it was fun to guess who might make an appearance, and even more fun to see people I never would have expected. 

You know who I was surprisingly happy to see? The Ancient One. We rewatched Dr. Strange as part of my Marvel marathon a few weeks ago, and as thoroughly mediocre as that movie is, I forgot how much fun she is in that movie. Tilda Swinton is just really good. So she was kind of a delight. I still don't get her absolute faith in Stephen Strange, of all people, but I liked her scene even if I still don't really understand what the weird wizards do. It was also really nice to get to see Mark Ruffalo instead of Brulk for a bit. 

Seriously, Robert Redford! And holy shit, Rumlow! Super didn't expect that. And that elevator scene! I totally expected a repeat of the Winter Soldier elevator fight, though I'm not actually mad we didn't get one (it would never live up to the original, the Best).

Loved seeing Frigga again! I don't know that I buy Thor being that unable to rise to the occasion, and his therapy interlude with his mom was kind of a weird left turn. That being said, I liked it, and I'm happy they got to have that time, and I love Frigga and want to bask in her wiseness and perennial chillness always. It was sweet. 

I was also totally shocked to see Natalie Portman again (though I think I saw a headline that it was actually just old footage? I haven't confirmed that, but it would make more sense than Natalie Portman coming back for all of four seconds of filming), and I 1000% appreciated her (mostly off-screen) request for pants as her Asgardian wardrobe (which was subsequently denied). I love Jane. I miss Jane. 

So this now paves the way for random Loki appearances in the future, yes? Ngl, I grinned when Loki just noped out of space, and I'm all for vague possibilities of further Loki. Even if it raises a ton of questions about the space-time continuum (seriously, we're gonna talk about that), it was still fun.

I actually liked the Howard/Tony stuff. It was definitely a little saccharine and on the nose, but not too much. It worked, and it was sweet, and it gave Tony a nice moment that I think only really worked because he'd finally become the more mature version of himself. I buy that the Tony of 5 Years Later had a better understanding of Howard, and tried to give comfort instead of taking his own absolution. The Tony of all the other movies would have made this interlude about how he could assure himself of his father's love. This Tony just tried to connect in a way that seemed unselfish. While I was still lowkey stressed because, seriously, you guys are gonna get caught if you're just strolling out in the open like that, we know they're looking for you, I still liked this part well enough. 

Steve and Peggy, though...look. I don't know. We're gonna go much more into detail about this later, and some of this is clearly my own bias. But a) I do not care for the weird clearly film screenshot photo on Peggy's desk, which is a 100% no, and b) something about the chance of it all irked me. I'd buy Steve seeing Peggy's office and going in, but that he happened to hide in there? Nah. Not my fave. And him gazing wistfully at her...like, in theory, romantic? But I was already certain about where we were going with this, so all I could see were the problems in store, and I couldn't really enjoy it. Much more on that later. 

For the Agent Carter fans, I certainly appreciated the Jarvis cameo. I still haven't watched the show, but nonetheless. Cute. 

Steve vs. Steve

Look, I should have known better than to think that an Avengers movie could go without a big set piece internal conflict fight. This one was slightly less egregious because at least it made sense, but man. Every Avengers movie (Civil War included) features some big fight scene between friends and colleagues, and I’ve never known why Marvel is so into that when there are so many actual bad guys to fight. This scene at least led to some funny moments, but for real, why can’t these movies resist having the Avengers fight themselves, and in this case, literally themselves? I’ve always found it baffling. 

Meanwhile, more of me close-reading things that probably aren’t there: I like to think that the absolute bland stodginess of 2012 Steve is a veiled reference to Josh Wheat-thin’s paper-thin one-dimensional understanding of Steve Rogers. Maybe I’m giving the Russos far too much credit for this (I probably am), but Russos-brand Steve knocking down Wheat-thin’s Not!Steve was a physical manifestation of something I’ve long intellectually felt, so. It’s only that reading that kept me from sighing at how boring 2012 Steve was for a thousand years. So I’m sticking to it. 

That is America’s ass. 

Much like with RDJ and Tony, Steve has always been at his finest when they let Chris Evans and his charm bleed through. So the “I could do this all day,” *sigh( “yeah, I know,” was a clear comic highlight of the movie for me. That sounded like something Chris would say in an interview. Chris Evans is a funny guy! His actual personality (at least his public personality) is what won me over to him long before I started to like Steve. So whenever these movies let him be Captain America as played by Chris Evans rather than dull manifestation of watered down American values whatever that means Captain America, played by Man Who Is Not Robert Downey Jr., I consider it a win. That’s one of the Russos’ great strengths: that they let Steve be fun and quippy too. Not as much as RDJ gets to be, naturally, but still, their Steve gets to have a personality intend of being just a haphazard pile of tropes. The Russos nail him in varying and inconsistent degrees, less well in the bigger movies and never so well as in Winter Soldier, but at least they understand that you can have more than one character with a personality, unlike certain unnamed hack writer/directors whom I shall never stop excoriating. 

You know what I didn't love, tbh? Steve using "Bucky is alive" as a cheat phrase to shock 2012 Steve into letting him go. In theory, I can appreciate it. Steve knows that the only thing that can make him freeze is a reference to Bucky. It's a callback to what he talks about in Civil War - one mention of Bucky and he becomes 16 again, etc. etc. I get it. I understand that the Russos are sort of trying to throw a bone to the Steve/Bucky fans out there. However. Given Bucky's complete lack of presence in the rest of the film, it felt cheap? I never fooled myself so thoroughly into thinking the Steve/Bucky crew would ever get anything but crumbs, and that's exactly what they're giving us. But it's about what I discussed before: there was no feeling of loss throughout the entire movie, no lingering presence of the friends who'd been snapped away. I never thought they were going to have scenes of Steve caressing a picture of Bucky and weeping. But Steve didn't seem to care at all about who specifically was gone beyond a vague "we let down the world," so when he said this, it felt like a trick. It felt like manipulation, which it was, but it made Steve seem cold and dispassionate. Like he was playing his past, more emotional self. Idk, Steve was just so weird to me in this movie. He had awesome moments and then 30 seconds later, would have moments like this, which don't feel like Steve at all. Because he uses this cheap shot, gets 2012 Steve knocked out, and then doesn't follow it up with anything relevant. Just makes a quip and bounces. And don't get me wrong, I laughed at the quip! I did! But it further diminished the moment before, how he'd so casually thrown out this bit of information that had been so important to him in previous movies. It was his entire character arc in Winter Soldier and Civil War. And here, it felt meaningless to him, and the rest of the movie sort of supported that reading, and man. It just made me sad. 

And now we come to Natasha and Clint and the damn Soul Stone. 

First of all, a lot of this scene was repetitive. I get that they have to understand how it works, but man, we just did this. 

Next, did Nebula seriously not prepare any of them for this possibility? I suppose she couldn’t have known for sure how it worked, but afterwards, she sure seemed to connect the dots pretty quickly. Sure would have been logical for her to at least mention that there might be something shady going on over there. 

Ok, so. The sacrifice. I don't mind how they played it. One of the most in-character things in the whole damn movie was Nat and Clint physically fighting to sacrifice themselves to save the other. It works. HOWEVER. I really just...can't with the Soul Stone. I think it's so flawed. I understand the notion of a soul for a soul, but sacrificing someone else's soul? That's not yours to give. I don't understand why the Soul Stone would decide that you understand its power because you're willing to kill. And even if you have to specifically kill someone you love, that doesn't make you responsible, it makes you a zealot, which is exactly what Thanos is. I know this is how it went in Infinity War. But in the ensuing year, I've thought about it a lot, and I became convinced that there must be another way, because the logic is so bad. So I came up with the idea that the Soul Stone will also reward people who understand that the initial deal is bullshit and won't give someone else for their own agenda. And during this scene in Endgame, I basically started to write my own version, in which whoever won the fight to sacrifice themselves, not for their own designs, but to achieve the true greater good that they wouldn't even be alive to see, would be rewarded with the Soul Stone. So if Nat jumps off, sacrificing herself for her friend, to save him and save the universe, she would become the master of the Soul Stone. This makes sense to me. This is a cool twist. And once I thought of this, I became so sure that this made so much more sense than the Soul Stone rewarding murderers that I wasn't even able to fully feel the emotion of it all. I was just surprised that I'd been wrong, even though of course I'd been wrong. They weren't going to do something clever like that if they had a chance for an emotional sacrifice. I got too in my own head about it all. So I had to react very quickly to a scene that was already ending because I just wouldn't take the signs for what they were. 

Nat was always at risk, and I can't be mad about how she went. Of course she'd sacrifice herself for Clint, and for everyone else. But as I mentioned above, is this really the version of Clint that Natasha should give herself up to save? It's not out of character for her, and hell, at least Clint brought up what he'd done for the only time in the movie, but still. This wasn't a good trade to me. To quote another super lady I love, I suppose it's not about what they deserve, but still. 

But most of all, the problem was that once again, we had to sacrifice a female character for the good of the men. Individually, neither of the Soul Stone sacrifices were bad choices. In Infinity War, it could only be Gamora for Thanos, and in Endgame, Nat's arc had been building up to this. It wasn't a bad sendoff for a character like Nat. But on the macro level, just. I'm tired. And all it does for me is pinpoint the problems with having such a lack of female representation in the movies. They're doing better now than they were. Truly, they are. But after Nat dies, we have this scene of five men being sad and angry and throwing things, and it just drives home again and again that Nat was the token girl in the Avengers. There couldn't be another woman in that reaction scene, because in 2012, Marvel wouldn't invest enough in female characters beyond the Only Girl, so that's what we're left with now. If we want to foreground the original six Avengers, and we want to give Nat a dramatic death to finalize her journey, all we can do is filter that through manpain because those are the only characters we have left. And I know this is an old wound. It's futile to rail against it, and at least Marvel's kind of trying a little now with their newer movies. But the rot is still there, deep in the foundations, and it makes this stuff hard. Nat has as much right as anyone else to get a dramatic sacrificial death. But I didn't need both the Soul Stone sacrifices to be both the token girls in two sausage fest teams. I'm simply tired. 

Beyond that, when Clint comes back and the team reacts to Nat's death, Brulk didn't deserve the first reaction. He just didn't. At that moment, I was literally sitting there thinking, if they don't cut to Steve, I swear to god...and they did eventually. But Steve and Nat's relationship was so much more developed and meaningful than Bruce/Nat, so it frustrated me that Brulk got to have the big reaction. And frankly, it frustrated me that once Clint showed up, Steve and Nat's friendship was essentially dropped. I like Nat/Clint. I do. Their friendship worked for me in Avengers 1 in a way that pretty much none of the other relationships in that movie did. But Clint isn't Nat's best friend anymore. I don't begrudge them getting their moments, but I do begrudge the movie for sidelining Steve/Nat after that one scene, which already sidelined Steve/Nat in its implications. Frustrating, and out of character for the Russos. 

Not to mention the scene of them being sad together was very meh. I don't go for manly displays of sad aggression, even if you are part-Hulk. And their whole handwaving of 'she just can't be brought back, just deal with it!' Weak. I don't care for being told to just accept something you haven't explained. I think we all hoped there would be a more nuanced portrayal of whatever the Soul Stone is, shadowy and mysterious as it seems, and there just wasn't. We had to take it all at face value. I'm not one for willfully undoing deaths, because of course that lowers the stakes, but still. If you have an all-powerful gauntlet that can make and unmake a universe, you're gonna have to explain to me why you can't bring someone back, even if the circumstances were particular. Clint is not some expert on the Soul Stone. He just decided this was how it had to be just...cause. Nope. 

The Snap

This was, if nothing else, interesting. It was perhaps closest to the detail that we fic writers crave, because they actually discussed who would wield the gauntlet and why. It was akin to something I'd write for this scene, though it went differently than my own would (will...you'll see.). And I'm glad that at least the arguments were logical. I always assumed it should be Thor but wouldn't be Thor, though I don't know that I buy them sidelining him like that. I think he could have handled it. But whatever. I had assumed that for thematic reasons, they'd make it be Steve or Tony, so I guess I appreciated that Brulk did it, because frankly, the gamma radiation explanation made sense. I didn't think he was a frontrunner going into this movie, but the reasoning was logical and sound, something I wish there'd been more of in some of the big events of the movie. 

What I don't understand? The gauntlet itself. I don't really see how a random Iron Man suit glove would be enough to channel the Infinity Stones? They never fully explained how Thanos's gauntlet worked, but presumably metal forged from a collapsing neutron star would be formidable and unusually strong. I get that the Iron Man suits are fancy, but they're still just Earth metals. This has always been an inconsistency in the MCU that's bothered me - Tony's suits have intermittently been able to stand extreme displays of force only to become vulnerable to the elements a few scenes later - but this still seemed a bit handwave-y. It certainly won't make or break the movie for me, but hell, if I'm airing every single thought I had during this movie, which judging by the length of this thing I sure seem to be, well. Might as well mention it. 

I've forgotten to discuss all the Thanos/Gamora/Nebula 2014 stuff. Frankly, that's because it was the least interesting part of this segment. It was fine, but when I figured that Nebula would have a big role to play in Endgame based on what I'd heard about the comics, I didn't think it would be to our heroes' detriment. I grant that it wasn't her fault, but man. Everything that went wrong did so because of Nebula, and that's a rough thing to put on one character. 

This part also falters because in retrospect, that was another aspect of the time travel set up that failed. We're gonna go into the time travel problems in a devoted section, but if anything didn't make sense even at the time of watching, it was this stuff, which made it hard to love. Also, I've had more than enough scenes of Nebula either being annoying or tortured, and I just. Don't care. I've warmed to her more lately, but I'm still not invested in any of that stuff. I stand by my statement that Gamora is the only one worth anything in the entire Guardians franchise, and while it was nice to see her again, I don't love all this stuff going wrong because of an inconveniently timed technical glitch. 

The abrupt and brutal transition from Part Two to Part Three was intense, and I was into it. Part Three had some problems, but a lack of excitement certainly wasn’t one of them. So let’s get to it. 

Part Three

The momentum of the big battle was pretty excellent. Once it got going, it didn't stop, and if this is what these movies were building towards, well, it certainly did the job. As epic battles go? This one was really good. I think it got that edge because for once, we genuinely didn't know who would make it out. Shows and movies always tease that this one could be the one, no really, we mean it, so much stakes, such high stakes! And they never follow through. But we knew someone wasn't getting out of this one. It was even money at this point whether it was Steve or Tony or Thor (yeah, I said it. I wasn't sure about him), but I think we all knew that all of them surviving after all of this would be a cheat, so. Someone was going. And yeah, we all fretted about it in Infinity War, but we always knew there was another movie to go. This one is the confirmed end for some of them. So it wasn't a matter of if anymore, but when and how. And that, finally, made this battle feel breathless in a way that none of the others could. It's not that I'm bloodthirsty. I am absolutely not someone who thinks you need to kill off major characters in order for it to mean something. But to genuinely not know what was going to happen for once? That's an experience that a jaded over-analytical girl like me doesn't get a lot, and it's pretty unbeatable in terms of anticipation.

Having them split up like that from the get-go was fun. Clint clutching the gauntlet and running through the hallways away from those awful unexplained monsters was exciting as hell. Scott running to save the ones trapped in the flooding basement was great. I don't really understand why Thanos was just sitting there, but having Steve, Thor, and Tony as the ones face to face with him was smart, because those were the main guys, so you never had that sense that nothing important could happen yet. The big characters were present at the epicenter from the get-go. 

The billowing dark smoke and crumbling rubble were an excellent atmosphere. If nothing else, this movie did scenery very right. It felt apocalyptic without being unexplained. 

The Fight

The thing about me and fight scenes: I get super tired of formulaic, generic fighting. Big car chases, too much CGI, muddled directing, it bores me. The first couple of Avengers movies were like that, which made the fight scenes eminently skippable to me. But a good fight scene? I love it. I absolutely love good choreography, sharp directing, the way it can feel like a dance. This is why I can't say enough about the Winter Soldier fight scenes. They're exquisitely put together, and I find them utterly invigorating every time, no matter how many times I've seen them. This fight scene? It was somewhere in the middle, but it edged more towards the good end of the spectrum than the bad. The Russos are very good at directing fight scenes. They're not always awesome at articulating the reasons for said fight scenes (looking at you, Civil War), but they are adept at making fight scenes feel coherent and exciting. This is often because they understand that you need a focus. The focus can shift, but in every aspect, you need to have someone you're following, and you need to be able to understand what's going on. And more than anything, I think the Russos are good at centering on the physical toll that a fight takes out of the characters. Sure, there's a ton of CGI. You can't get away from that with a Marvel movie. But they're great at filtering it all through the perspective of a character, and they're best at it with Steve. They get right to the core of the grittiness of Steve in a battle. You feel his struggle, you feel how much it hurts when he gets knocked down but still gets up, again and again. This was not my favourite battle scene in the MCU, but I liked it a lot, because you feel like it means something. It isn't just an excuse to have cool explosions and CGI weapons going wild. This battle said something about who the people fighting it are, and that's the best case scenario for what this scene was going to be. 

I can't remember everything about the battle. I'll have to fill in some of the blanks upon rewatch. But hey, it was fun. I don't really understand why Thanos's weird blade thing was so powerful. I really don't know why it was able to slice through Steve's shield like that. But if I try to close read a battle too deeply, well, there lies madness, so. There was enough going on in distinct sections of the field that it kept things interesting. I knew everyone was going to show up at some point (thanks, Sebastian Stan, for spoiling that, like, a full year ago), but I didn't feel like we were spinning our wheels til then. And let's be real, most of it was Steve vs. Thanos, which was a good time for all sorts of reasons. Especially this one: 

STEVE AND MJOLNIR!!!!! Listen. Listen. I know I'm being played to. I know this is just one of those overly manufactured moments specifically designed to make you go "fuck yeah!" I knowwwwww. But goddamnit, it worked. Boy, did it work on me. The way they directed it, the way they hadn't tipped us off too much (like they did with some other things), all of it...I did go fuck yeah. Fuck yeah, man. That's my guy with Thor's spare hammer, because he's worthy and he's wonderful and he's gonna fuck Thanos up with it. And I remember when this stuff was first teased way back in Ultron, it annoyed me, because a) I didn't care about Steve at the time, and b) it didn't make any sense. Mjolnir is supposed to choose the person who is worthy to rule Asgard, and that was already Thor. Why would the hammer switch allegiances, and what, would Steve then rule Asgard? But at this point, Thor's got a new weapon, and more than anything, Asgard is gone. The hammer's choice no longer has real world consequences. It's merely an indicator of personal value. And that's Steve. So, fuck yeah. 

Again, it only really worked because the hammer wasn't choosing Steve instead of Thor. It was in addition, and Thor had Stormbreaker anyway, so I didn't have to feel threatened on Thor's behalf. But also, it allowed for little moments like, 'no, you get that one, I get the big one,' from Thor, which was delightful, simply because Steve and Thor's mid-battle engagements are always delightful. That's a tradition I'm pleased got to be continued in this movie. 

I know what they were doing, I see what they were doing, but hell, I'm gonna treasure the image of my man wielding the shield in one hand and Mjolnir in the other. I never knew I wanted it until I got it, but I will take it and cherish it always.

I'd been waiting for everyone to show up. I didn't know how they were going to do it, but I knew they were, because, well, Sebastian Stan had told me so, but also because I knew Marvel could never resist having everyone fighting all at once. That's what this movie was made for, let's be honest. So it was only a matter of time. However, I didn't know how they were going to do it, and frankly? On your left. ON YOUR LEFT. Reader, I loved it. 

Sure, all the portals were a little silly. How did they coordinate so quickly, and why did they all show up at once instead of each of them just coming in when they were ready so they could help as quickly as possible (I mean, we know why. But diegetically, etc. etc.)? And this was another one of those tailor-made 'fuck yeah' moments that more often than not make me roll my eyes instead because of the desperate transparency. But you know what? It was fun. I know what this movie was, and this was what it came to do, and I am capable of just enjoying it. So I did. Everybody shows up and the wizards are finally being useful and you know it's time to just abandon yourself to the crazy and let it all happen. It's grand. 

But truly, on your left was a perfect way to do it. Maybe I should have called it, except that I never would have assumed that something so precious to fandom would actually be what the film itself chose to do. There were certainly a disproportionate number of references to Winter Soldier in this movie overall, which I appreciated, but this was a dream. I got chills. Elegant, lovely, character-appropriate. A++. 

Once the madness got going, I was just along for the ride. I don't have a lot to critique about the battle royale. It was a lot of fun. There were little things peppered in that elevated it - particularly whatever character reunions we could get quickly. I was particularly partial to Scott and Hope and their smiles at each other (plus Hope calling Steve Cap. We'd just watched Ant-Man and the Wasp the night before, so I freshly remembered Hope mocking Scott for calling him Cap, and then here this was as a cute little reference to reward the loyal. Not too heavy-handed, but little sprinkles for the devoted fans, and that's the kind of care for the seriality of the MCU effort that I appreciate from the Russos). It was impossible to give every character fair play, but I enjoyed the characters who did get moments. I liked the team work of passing the gauntlet between people. I did wonder if anyone would put it on, but no one did, and I see why. Still, it was a fun sub-mission within the larger battle. 

CAROL. I haven't talked nearly enough about Carol in this movie. She was sadly not in it that much, which I suppose makes sense (apparently she filmed this before Captain Marvel? So she really wasn't fully Carol yet when they were doing this movie). But I appreciated that her clear power superiority was suitably respected. And before she turned up, that moment when the guns turn around and everyone's like, 'what are they firing at?' And I knew, I knew. And my mind screamed CAROLLLLL and there she was and it was glorious. 

The charge of all the women. Look, I know 100% that I was being played. This is the kind of soulless pandering to your female audience to make them think they're getting a lot more than they are. We've already talked about the iffiness of the female presence in this movie, and how they're continually sidelined for plot reasons. That being said. I can see what they're doing, I can roll my eyes at the manipulation within it, and still fucking love it. I can. I contain multitudes like that. And when all the women marched boldly across the screen to protect each other and break through the fight, I absolutely fucking loved it. I teared up, honest to god. I LOVE THEM. I love these women and I love their power and I will cheer with abandon at their strength and solidarity. I absolutely understand that this was yet another manufactured moment designed to hit at people exactly like me. And yes, I can be critical of the fact that they're not giving us more than token moments. But I will still love this moment, because look at all those women. I meant what I said when I admitted that Marvel's at least been doing better in recent years, because the fact that we even have women in the double digits to fill this scene is the result of maybe just the last three years or so. It's not enough, but it's better than it was, and I hope it leads to a better future. So my heart swelled and I smiled like crazy while my ladies got their moment. May it be merely one of many more. 

Also, Pepper got to fight! Loved that. I have long felt cheated out of the Pepper Extremis storyline, so while this doesn’t make up for it, hey, it was something. 

I don't know why it is that Tony and Dr. Strange as a pairing work for me. They're two characters I've had tremendous problems with who are somehow very interesting together. But when Strange looked at Tony and held up the one, and it was a quiet, intimate little thing amidst all this chaos - it got me. I don't know. Something about it was very affecting. The moment of understanding between them, and what Tony rose up to do. It really worked. 

So, Tony. Frankly, this was precisely the kind of moment I anticipated Steve going out in, but they gave it to Tony instead. I'm both surprised and not. They were always going to prioritize Tony and his journey. That being said, while I intellectually understood that Tony was at risk in this movie, I never really thought Marvel would have the stones to actually kill him and thus make it impossible for him to return. I was too spooked from the last round of wrapping up Tony's character arc only to strike a deal with RDJ and thus rework the entire MCU specifically for his benefit. So yeah, I could never fully wrap my mind around Marvel really letting him go. So in that, I was genuinely surprised. But on a narrative level? It worked. Yeah, this is something I'd have expected Steve to do instead, but honestly, Steve didn't need to do this to prove what kind of person he is. Steve was always the person who would sacrifice himself to save everyone. He's done that already, and he'd do it as many times as he needed to (the ending of this movie notwithstanding, I guess...). There would be nothing added by Steve sacrificing his life by using the gauntlet except an extra sharing of tears. Tony, though? Tony needed something like this to fully complete his journey as a character. Let's be clear: he didn't need to die. I'll never say that someone needs to die to achieve full redemption or growth. There are other ways they could have come to this point with Tony. But this is one way to do it, and it's not wrong. Really, it should have been someone else. There was probably time, and other people on the field had a better chance of surviving the Snap. But if you're in that situation, and you're maybe not thinking totally clearly and things are looking rough and you see an opportunity like that? Yeah, I get it. Tony's always been impulsive, and his growth in this movie tempered his impulsiveness. But if he's going to have impulsive moments, it's progress that they're for the genuine good. 

In a lot of ways, this climax was formulaic. While it's a stretch to call Tony a father figure, he's still a sort of father figure of the MCU, and they're usually the first on the chopping block when it comes to epic fantasy conclusions. But I didn't really have a problem with it, because it was clearly meant to be a tearjerker, but it wasn't just that. More than any other character, Tony needed something that would really indicate that he'd changed as a person, become better. Of course Tony has put himself at risk to help others throughout these movies. But it's never been entirely selfless in the way this is, somehow. I don't know that I can articulate why it's different. But it felt different, and it felt like something that worked for his character more than it would for others. I don't doubt for a second that Steve or Thor would use the gauntlet without hesitation, and Nat already proved that she'd do the same. When Tony used the gauntlet, he suddenly held more control than he's ever had in his life, and yet he gave up control in the most powerful way he could have. Tony has always been obsessed with directing the narrative, creating monsters in his attempts to control the future. But by using the gauntlet, knowing what would happen, even as an extraordinary display of power, he's relinquishing his stranglehold on control and fully giving himself over. In order to win, we have to lose. In order for the Avengers to win, Tony has to lose. At the end, he understands that, and he accepts it, and Iron Man can really, finally die. 

His death scene was effective. I felt things, and I could definitely hear a lot of the theatre sniffling around me. They also did the right thing in terms of the relationships they foregrounded. I was genuinely worried that they'd have Pepper move away for Steve to be the final moment with Tony, and I was ready to riot, but that's not what happened. I'll give them credit for that. Rhodey, Peter, and then Pepper, and it absolutely should have ended with Pepper. I have always said that Tony only works with Pepper, and this movie did a good job of establishing his devotion to her and the way it's inspired him to finally be better. And I really liked how quiet this moment was, and how calm and strong Pepper was. It felt like a natural continuation of that scene they'd had earlier in the movie when they'd discussed what to do. They have matured together as a couple, they went into this understanding the stakes, and they are genuinely prepared to face the consequences. It was really nice, and it gave me emotions in a way that a more desperate show of misery wouldn't have done. 

I saw it coming, but I still appreciated the parallel of “but would you be able to rest?” to “you can rest now.” It was lovely. 

If Tony's death scene was handled well, his funeral was a bit more meh. I get what they were going for, and it was fine, but it didn't get me the way the previous scene had. It was a little too grandiose. I enjoyed seeing some of the groupings - special mention to the Pym/Lang clan, which I'm surprisingly invested in - but the slow pan to every single group was a bit overdone. At a certain point, we were reaching clusters of people who had no real connection to Tony, and a general pan up to include the crowd as a group would have sufficed. It definitely started to feel a little overindulgent. But what else did I expect. 

That video, though - that was the kind of stuff that does get to me more, even if it’s an easy get. I don’t have much to say about it. It was nice. 

And now we must discuss the thing I’ve least been looking forward to going through...

That Ending

I've been having trouble figuring out how exactly to tackle this. I'm honestly really curious about how other people viewed the ending, particularly people who actively ship Steve/Peggy. Because truthfully, this whole ending felt incredibly off to me. I'm trying to parse out how much of it is that it's an extremely fanservice ending for a ship I don't fully ship, but I don't think that's all of it. Regardless, I'd love to hear what people who do ship them thought, and if the pros outweigh the cons if you ship them enough. I've been trying to sort out if I'd feel the same way if it had been, say, Bucky that Steve went back to live with (in a 10000% hypothetical world in which a Disney-owned franchise would ever dare). It's hard to discount the effect of shipper goggles, and maybe I'd be more forgiving if I were more attached to the pairing in question. But I've been thinking about it a lot, and I just can't get past a few major things.

For one, let's get it out in the open: I didn't like the ending, at all. That being said, I was absolutely certain they were going to go this way. Not the whole time - for most of last year, I was still putting even money between Steve dying heroically and Steve getting stuck back in time. But once the trailers started coming out, I became increasingly sure. First, the Peggy compass makes an appearance despite the fact that I didn't even know Steve still had it (seriously, did it show up in any of the previous movies? Maybe it did, but it was unremarkable enough that I didn't remember). Alarm bells started to ring. Then they had that trailer with Peggy's voiceover, and I was certain. Listen. I know when I'm being primed. I see when they're trying to 'subtly' remind me of characters, themes, relationships. They were laying groundwork to make people think they'd earned this ending. And I tried so hard to make myself ok with it. I really, really tried. I prepped myself, I talked it through with myself, I warned myself again and again to make peace with it, because this is where they were going. But still, but still...man, I hoped it would be better than this. Even when Steve mentioned Peggy as the love of his life during that therapy group, which was more than a little heavy-handed and definitely not his style, and I became 100% sure that we were locked into this path, I gave myself another shot of 'prepare for this! It's happening!' and just hoped for the best. And instead. Well. 

The most essential problem of this whole, messy thing, is that time travel just doesn't work. It just doesn't. We'll hit on that again later, but if you're trying to come up with an elegant solution to a problem involving time travel, it can't be done. This movie came closer than some, but it's an impossible problem, and it always will be. Separate from the logical pitfalls, though, there are myriad character problems that this movie just didn't deal with, which kept me from being able to find any satisfaction in the ending. First and foremost, they never committed to whether Steve was going back in this original timeline or branching off into an alternate timeline. The only logical thing would be the latter, because otherwise things would start to become undone before our very eyes, but the fact that he's sitting by that lake in our original timeline at the end ruins that option. In the days it's taken me to write all this, it's since come out that the Russos claim that it was in fact the former - that he was in an alternate timeline and it's a mystery how he ended up back in this one - but the problem is, that is not at all supported in the text. I 100% believed he had stayed in this timeline based on him appearing in our timeline at the end, and there's literally nothing in that scene that would indicate otherwise. So, frankly, no matter what the Russos are saying in interviews, the film itself does not make that clear, and there's no guarantee that any subsequent films will reference what the Russos are hinting at in the future. So for the moment, we can only assume what we've seen, and that's that Steve went back in this initial timeline and lived out his life from 1970 to now with Peggy. And the problem with all this, the risk you take in taking on time travel, is that if Steve goes back to 1970 to marry Peggy and live out his life, there are two and only two options. 1. He goes back in time and alters things, because how could he not? All the things he knows, the people he can help, hell, the very fact that he's there at all - they all change what the reality of this timeline is, and the repercussions echo through to the present and the whole world suddenly shifts. But clearly, that's not what happened, because Sam and Bucky and Brulk are still there, they don't feel a thing, nothing's changed. Which brings us to 2. Steve goes back in time, understands he can't change anything because of the risk involved, somehow manages not to change anything unintentionally despite his presence there (in itself, a complete impossibility - time travel doesn't work), and chooses to live his life quietly, without affecting anything, and that's his happy ending. And that? Is awful. 

So let's say I buy it. Let's say I believe that Steve can go back like that and not significantly unmake the world. To me, understanding Steve's character the way I do? That isn't a happy ending. That's a tragedy. That means that Steve will have to watch everything that he knows is going to happen, every injustice, every crime against humanity, and just let it happen. He takes a back seat throughout all the wars and the misery and the atrocities. He sees someone walk into the road in front of a bus and doesn't try to help, because that would alter the timeline. There's letting Steve retire, and then there's letting Steve become an apathetic drone out of necessity. 

But even worse is the personal scale. When I complained about this to my sister, she said that a person wouldn't necessarily feel the need to avert, say, the Vietnam war, just because they knew it was going to happen. Sure, fine. I'd argue that if any person would, it'd be Steve, but ok, let's say for the sake of argument that I agree. But what about the stuff that hits closer to home? Even if we can accept that Steve wouldn't care that Bucky was still in Hydra's clutches for roughly 40 more years (and hey, this movie made an honest effort of trying to say that Steve only tangentially cares about Bucky, so maybe we are supposed to believe that), could he really be happy knowing that Hydra is growing and taking over the very organization that his wife founded, and is currently working at?? We know from Ant-Man that Peggy remains involved at S.H.I.E.L.D. until at least the 90s, if not longer. How could he watch her go to work every day not knowing what she was helping to create? What about the Starks? Seeing little Tony born, knowing he could help, maybe ease the tensions between Tony and Howard, help them come together? Only you can't, because if Tony doesn't have the childhood he has, then maybe he never becomes Iron Man, and what would happen then. So watching all that happen, and then knowing the exact day his friends Howard and Maria get violently murdered, and sitting back and letting it happen. Knowing that somewhere out there, Natasha is a child being trained to be a killer, being gaslit, being owned, and just leaving it alone. This doesn't sound like a happy ending. This sounds like a genuine nightmare - paralyzed, watching a slow-motion car crash that you know you could stop if only you could just stand up. It's horrifying. And that's what I'm expected to rejoice in? Because him getting to date Peggy again makes that all worth it somehow?

But fine, let's be absolutely, totally fair. Let's say it's ok for the Russos to just tell us what happened vs. everything they showed us in the movie itself. So, cool, Steve went back in time and sprouted off an alternate timeline. Fine. It's better than the alternative, that's for sure. But it still feels wrong for him, and here's why. The tragedy of Steve's story has always been in the longing to go back while facing the impossibility of it. He lost his friends, his girlfriend (I guess...more on that later), everything he knew. It's heartbreaking. It's a lot of why Steve and Bucky are so popular in this fandom - they represent that feeling of nostalgia that we all feel about our lives, brought to an extreme and fantastical degree, and it's fascinating material. You can't go back, but oh, wouldn't it be lovely if you could? Except what makes Steve so incredible, so resilient, is that he adapts. He wakes up 70 years later and everything is different and he finds a way to move forward. It's sad! It's so sad to think of him like this, this man out of time. That's why we have so many fics about some magic trick that lets him go back in time like he's always wished to. But I ask you - how many of those fics end with him staying in the past? Genuinely, I'm asking. I've never read one that ends like that. Because that's not how these stories need to go. Returning to the past is so alluring. It is. I'm an exceptionally nostalgic person, and I absolutely romanticize my happy childhood, or my teens, or my college years, when things were good, when things were easy. Everyone does. But you can't go back. Even if you somehow could, it's not the same, because you're not the same. That's always the moral of these stories, because it has to be. Because humanity is about adapting, about moving forward because there's just no other choice. And of course escapist fantasies of going back and fixing everything are fun. But I've watched and read a lot of sci-fi, and the message is always that that isn't really what it's cracked up to be. And there's a reason for that. 

But sure, let's move forward. Let's say he creates a branched-off timeline and is thus able to affect change in a truly Steve Rogers way. Cool! So I'm gonna assume he roots out Hydra from S.H.I.E.LD., he goes and saves Bucky, he improves the lives of his friends once they're born. Awesome! What a cool AU! Except. It's still kind of a miserable fate to wish on Steve. He can't save everyone, and he knows that. He can do some good, but rewriting half a century of history is too much for any one man, even Steve. But god, imagine the pressure. Imagine the guilt. He does what he can, but he can't fix everything, and he's Steve Rogers, so of course it weighs on him. And yes, you can say, that's what people live with every day! We know there's suffering out there, but we find a way to live through it! Yeah, of course. But you know why? Because we have the blissful luxury of not knowing for sure. We know there are terrible things out there, but a) we're not super soldiers, and b), we don't have advanced knowledge. We can know things are going on out there, but we also can't know that it isn't going to get better, that there isn't someone out there about to fix it. If you go back in time? You know for sure. You know how many people die in useless wars. You know about the epidemics, the awful chapters of human history. And you know it doesn't get better. What do you do?? You can't save everyone. But then your wife comes home from work and turns on the news, and you see the latest death count from something happening out there, and you sit there and think "maybe I could have stopped that." It's ghastly. Time travel is great for fantasies and quiz questions, but it's a gift that it isn't possible, because it would drive you to ruin. It would break your heart every day. So when people say it's wonderful that Steve got to be selfish and live out his life in the past? I can only see the things that are going to make his life miserable. I'd love to be happy for him, but instead, it's this. 

But even beyond all that, what about what it says not only about his character, but about everything that's happened in the MCU so far? Listen, I'm the first to say that his friendships with most of the Avengers were tenuous at best. When the Team Tony contingent of the internet railed against Civil War Steve for picking Bucky over his 'new family,' well, I didn't have a problem with that. It made sense to me. But he also wasn't abandoning everyone. He wasn't completely giving up the life he'd built. But by doing what he does in Endgame, Steve's basically saying he doesn't care about any of the people he's formed relationships with over the past 13 years as much as he cares about dating Peggy. And I...look. Some people will find that super romantic. Maybe I would have when I was, like, 19. But at this point in my life? Romance is great, but so are friendships. So are the bonds with people you've formed over years of trust and companionship. And giving up all of them for a chance at a girl you were into for a couple of years a decade and a half ago? That's not romantic to me anymore. That doesn't do it for me. Steve deserves his chance with Peggy if that's what he wants. But not at the expense of everything else. And I'm supposed to rejoice in that? That after 5 years of missing his friends, he spends, what, a week with them, and then leaves them forever? I'm very carefully trying to remove my feelings about the Steve/Bucky of it all for fairness, but what about Sam? What about Wanda? Remember that relationship that I was so attached to? Even removing the Avengers, there are people Steve loves who I can't wrap my head around him willfully leaving forever (especially since, god, doesn't Wanda need support more than ever right now? He doesn't even stick around for that?). I'll admit, I buy it slightly more now that Natasha's gone (sighhhhh), but even if she'd lived, I don't think the writers would have changed their minds about this ending, and then you'd better believe I'd be screaming bloody murder about this. I don't know, man. Maybe it's me! I have definitely turned on a lot of mainstream romance plots over the years! But god, isn't that what these movies were supposed to be about? The bonds of friendship, the bonds of brotherhood and comradeship, soldiers banding together against an insurmountable army? Am I still, after all of this, supposed to be happy that Steve drops all of his relationships so he can have another shot at an almost girlfriend? 

So let's talk about the Peggy factor. I love Peggy. She's wonderful. But you know what's a real sticking point to me in all this? We know for a fact that she had a life that she loved, lived fully and without regret. In her own words, her only regret was that Steve didn't get to live his. But I never took that to mean she wished it for him at the expense of hers. And yes, I'm sure she would have been happy with Steve too! Well, at least we can hope. But one of the greatest gifts Winter Soldier gave us was allowing Peggy to be a character separate from Steve. As much as I love her in The First Avenger, she still mostly served as a support in Steve's journey. But in Winter Soldier, they made it very clear that Peggy was her own person. That she was there for Steve, that she loved him and cared for him, but that her life was not dependent on him. She found her own adventures, her own happiness. Everything she built, she did on her own, separate from her connection to Steve. I loved that. It was so refreshing to have a character who had been conceived as a love interest get to boldly make clear that she was her own entity. That she was a whole person. And then...this. 

I'm sure that lots of people don't think Steve going back in time and marrying Peggy alters this. None of my irl friends seem to mind this ending like I do. But for me? It feels like a life stolen. Peggy got married! I'm not sure if she had kids, but she might have, and she had a brilliant career and made a name for herself. And Steve knew this. And he decided to make it all never happen. He inserted himself into a place he no longer belonged and took it all for himself again. I know that some people are celebrating this choice as Steve being finally, rightfully selfish, after a lifetime of sacrificing his own happiness for others. But this? It feels wrong. It feels willful. And sure, if it's in a branched timeline, maybe you can look at it sideways enough that it doesn't feel like the theft of a happy life to you. But it still says something about Steve that doesn't sit right with me. I'm all for Steve being less self-sacrificing. When I headcanon my ideal ending for Steve, it always involves him getting to take a slice of happiness for himself. But not like this. Not by undoing someone else's life, not by taking something directly from others. That's not Steve Rogers. 

Meanwhile, let's settle an area of confusion. When I watched the movie - hell, when I first started writing this - I thought he went back to live in 1970 after he dropped off the Tesseract. Frankly, that was the only good thing I had to say about this ending (and I did say it when I was discussing the movie with my friends directly after) - that by going back to 1970, at least Peggy had some time to live a life without him, and he just joined her partway through. But given how long it's taken me to write this, other things have filtered in, and I guess the prevailing wisdom is that he actually went back to the 1940's? I know the cars looked old, so maybe that was the clue, but I wasn't certain, and maybe I just hoped it wasn't the case. Because while this maybe makes it better on the Steve front, it makes it worse for Peggy. She doesn't get to live a life without him at all. And listen, I don't doubt Peggy Carter! I think she can do anything, and she certainly doesn't have to be alone in order to establish herself. But do we really think that in 1945, hell, 1950, 1965, anyone would think Peggy did it all on her own when she had Steve Rogers on her arm? That was part of what I loved about how Steve/Peggy went down. While it was sad for them on a personal level, it meant that after the war, during a notoriously sexist backlash era, Peggy's success was never attributed to her connection with Steve. But with this? It's absolutely unfair, but it would absolutely tarnish her own agency. And I think she would suffer with it. I have long thought that Steve and Peggy, if given the chance to be together in the 40s like they planned, would have actually run into some problems once the war settled down. I have a whole treatise to write on this that perhaps I will someday. It's not that I think they wouldn't have worked. But I'm not certain they would have, because I think the things that make them wonderful as people would have made it difficult for them to be a couple. And this kind of timeline fuckery is exactly the kind of stuff that I think would have tested them, and not necessarily in a strengthening way. Maybe I'm not giving them enough credit. I absolutely don't think they're doomed to fail. But by forcing them into this kind of trite 'happy ending,' this movie is asking me to ignore what I know about these characters, who they are and how they live and what they've done. That doesn't feel like a satisfying end to me. 

Beyond that, it's impossible at this point to separate the way I feel about Marvel's treatment of its women from what happens in the narrative. In the same way that I don't dislike Nat's storyline for her character individually, but I'm fully raising my eyebrows at them killing off the token girl in the team, it's hard for me to separate all that stuff regarding Peggy. Diegetically, Peggy deserves her chance with Steve. But on an outside level, it doesn't feel great that she exists solely as Steve's Reward in this movie. She doesn't even have any lines. She exists to be gazed at, and then to be danced with. I know we know Peggy's powerful and amazing. But the fact of the matter is, if you only watch the MCU, Peggy's only been in two movies, and one of them for only a few minutes. They killed her off-screen in Civil War. And then she's this in Endgame. Howard Stark gets a long, extended walk and talk with Tony, and Peggy gets this. It doesn't feel great! The exhausted feminist in me is always struggling with this stuff. Peggy doesn't have to be alone in order to be her own person! But I don't trust the MCU to put any of their women in relationships with men (even friendships, frankly), and have them still be the main characters. God, no one even says her name in the whole damn film. I'm probably nitpicking! Welcome to the hell that is living in my own head 24/7! Pity me.

God, I don't know. It's all so complicated. I might be entirely wrong in this. I really would love to talk to others about this and see if I'm just looking at this all wrong. But even though I've long known they were going this way, it's still precisely why I was hoping this movie wouldn't go the time travel route. That way lies madness. It just creates so many more problems than it solves. Problem is, when I planned for this eventuality, I always thought it would be an accident or some sort of necessity and that Steve would get stuck in the past. He'd get cut off back in time and adapt like Steve Rogers does, find the happiness in his new circumstances like he always has. But somehow, it never occurred to me that he would choose to go. That he would willfully decide, all on his own, without consultation or discussion, that he was doing this. And something about that particular change has just been rankling me. For all the reasons outlined above, it lessens Steve's character to me in a way that I never anticipated. I always wanted Steve to retire. My happy ending for him is having him find other, non-fighting ways to help people while also getting to live his own life. But I always wanted it to be his own life, not someone else's. I'm certain people will argue that Steve was never supposed to be in 2012 in the first place, that he was meant to live out his life in his own timeline. But that's not what happened, and the MCU asked me to invest in the last 8 years of Steve learning how to adjust to the extraordinary things that happened to him. If I wasn't interested in seeing that, I would have stopped after The First Avenger. While I understand that Steve getting stuck back in time would have done iffy things for his agency, I think I could have made this work if that was how it all played out. But by him choosing this fate instead, I'm having trouble embracing it as a triumphant end. I wish I could explain it better. I've been soul-searching all week trying to figure it all out. But it just makes me sad at the end of the day. 

Last of all, but it must be said: Sharon Carter deserved better than this. Listen, I remain the first to eviscerate that weird romantic curveball in Civil War. It was a hot mess. But the same damn writers who wrote Endgame wrote that romance too, and they don't get to nope out of their own mistakes. Listen, I'm a fan of acknowledging when something didn't work! I am very pro how the Russos handled the failure of Bruce/Nat! But the thing I liked so much is that they breezed past it, but still allowed it to have been a thing that happened. That significant look in Infinity War was literally all I needed. That was a 'we know this was a misstep and we're calling the loss, but it still did happen and we can't ignore that completely, so we're allowing a diegetic reference to it and then closing the book on that.' Perfect! All I ever needed! Steve/Sharon as it was handled was thoroughly a mistake and absolutely should have been backtracked. But it definitely feels a little gross for Steve and Sharon to kiss and then for Sharon to never be seen or mentioned again. Not even once. All it needed was some side-reference in Infinity War about how Steve's life on the run had been too much to manage between them. That's it! Call it a loss and be done with it! But to completely cut Sharon out of everything just to gloss over the narrative stumble and smooth the way for Steve to get back with her aunt? Yikes. And I say this as someone who has absolutely zero attachment to Steve/Sharon. I appreciate that they didn't double down on that. But snapping Sharon out of existence from the entire MCU was a cowardly way to do it, and I judge them for it. 

Two final petty things: 

I am a little salty about them using "It's Been A Long Time" as the final song, which I understand is a bit irrational. The only reason I know that song is because of Winter Soldier, but man, it's always been a Steve/Bucky song. And I guess the Russos didn't see it that way, and hey, Winter Soldier is their movie, but it only makes sense if it's about Bucky, because in Winter Soldier, Steve has been hanging out with Peggy for a couple of years now, and the song takes place just before Bucky shows up. I know, I know. Shipper goggles are powerful. But I also know how to close-read a film, so. My perspective is probably skewed, but it's also not wrong. 

During that ending, I so, so hoped the Russos would just leave it up to interpretation. When Sam asks about the ring and Steve elects not to tell him about it, I sent a prayer up hoping that the movie would cut off at that. Of course it didn't, for fan service and heterosexual romance reasons, but I really wish it did, because of this: 95% of people would have understood that the ending was exactly what it turned out to be. But for the other 5% of us? For god's sake, dudes, give us that sliver of wiggle room. Let us headcanon what we wanna headcanon. I've always wished this, even for fandoms that I'm not in - fans are great at running with things if you just give them the slightest bit of room. Just let them have it. I've always thought that J.K. Rowling put "19 Years Later" into Harry Potter precisely so that people couldn't do this and they'd have to accept her version of the future, and frankly, I think it's why people have always hated that epilogue, even casual fans. Let us imagine the future. Give us hints, do whatever, but throw a bone to the fandoms out there and let us have some fun. I mean, yeah, we can still headcanon elements of that ending (and we certainly will), but it's still disappointing. Unsurprising, but disappointing. 

Time Travel Doesn’t Work

It just doesn’t, guys. Every movie that takes it on thinks it’s different. They’re all convinced that they have the solution. And they never do. It always, always breaks down. And yeah, that sucks! Time travel is super fun! But it just doesn’t hold up, and I’m tired of movies telling me they’ve cracked the code when they just haven’t. 

I really don't understand why they thought one throwaway line from Brulk was going to satisfy all the issues with time travel. I appreciated that Rhodey and Scott brought up all the other time travel movies that thought they had it down, but Brulk's brush-off was nonsensical. Yeah, if you go into the past, that becomes your future. Everyone gets that. But that doesn't protect the rest of it. Steve can go back in time and live out his future in another period. I 100% get that. But everyone he talks to - their paths will all change because they met him. Events will alter, timelines will branch off. It's a mess. Don't talk down to us like we just don't understand how it works. We understand that it doesn't work. Fuck off, Brulk.

I briefly thought they had a pretty good thing going, though, when they came up with the plan of returning the stones to the exact moments they took them. Honestly? That would have worked. That time travel storyline would have been clean and logical. They were almost there! But then they had to go and have Thanos and crew come to the present from 2014. And then it all breaks down. I don't get it! Are we just branching off another timeline, but in the original timeline, the world is still terrible? I like the twist that we get Gamora back through 2014 version showing up just cause I love Gamora, but it simply doesn't make sense. Ugh, the more I think about it, the less it makes sense. I similarly love Loki grabbing the Tesseract and bouncing because a) it's a very Loki thing to do and b) it gives us a vague but real chance of seeing him again. But it also doesn't work! If Thor doesn't bring Loki back to Asgard, all of Thor: The Dark World doesn't happen, which means present day Thor can't get the Aether, etc. etc., and fuck, is anyone else's mind spinning? Say it with me: TIME TRAVEL DOESN'T WORK. It's just exhausting. But they were there! They were almost there, to a place where it could have worked! We were so close! Oy. 

A Confession

Alright, I have to admit it. I was wrong about how much this movie would center on Steve and Tony’s relationship. I’m very glad I was wrong. I am pleased that the writers understood that there were more important relationships to focus on. There was still a healthy dose of Steve/Tony thrown at us, but it didn't supplant too much. So, I’ll allow that I was more worried than I needed to be (about that, at least). I’ll give you guys that, Russos and co. 

Final Thoughts

This has taken me so long and gotten so thoroughly out of control that I'm certain there were big things I was planning on talking about that I'm just totally forgetting now. But I just need to be done with this thing. I'm sure I'll write a lot more about this movie over the coming months, but for now, here are just a few more things.

SAM!CAP!!!!!!!!! It could only be this way. But I'm so, so happy that the MCU acknowledged it. I have always, always said that it needed to be Sam. That Sam was the only one who made sense, the only one who was really capable of taking up that mantle. But I still thought Bucky was the frontrunner because he's a fan-favourite pretty white boy, and you can never discount the odds in favor of that. But they did the right thing! I'm so glad. All hail Sam!Cap. 

Thor becoming one of the Guardians of the Galaxy was legit the only thing they could have done to make me interested in seeing another Guardians movie if Gamora isn't in it, so damn them. Damn them for hooking me when I thought I could get free. Fucking genius move, that. Presuming, of course, that Thor is actually going to be in the next one. If he isn't, I riot. MORE THOR ALL THE TIME. 

So where do we go from here? I assume there are going to be more Avengers movies, but how and when? Are we going to establish a new core team? Do we really need a team when Carol's around? It'll certainly be interesting. I don't know how long the MCU is going to be able to sustain all this, but man, as someone who takes an interest this kind of stuff, it sure is fascinating. 

Ok, so this whole post got super embarrassing. I set out to write a series of bullet points and instead ended up with a 10-page essay. It's truly unreadable, and I know that. I tried super hard to make the format bearable on tumblr, but such a thing is obviously impossible, so instead it's this. I genuinely expect no one to have gotten through all of this, but hopefully some of you have found bits and pieces that interested you, because I'd absolutely love to talk more about this movie. I've been stewing in my own thoughts all week, and I want to bring in other perspectives. So come join me in over-analytical hell! 

#avengers: endgame #avengers: endgame spoilers #marvel #this is very‚ humiliatingly long #feel free to skim #but here‚ have a stream of consciousness rant about all my thoughts on endgame #and come talk to me about this movie #i'm still trying to work out all my feelings and opinions #this is just the start #yikes @ me

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 142: HHAH!! *GRUNT* *PUNCHING NOISES*

Previously on BnHA: Tamaki faced off against three villains on his own. At first he managed to keep them at bay by generating a bunch of giant kraken arms, which was badass. But then it turned out one of the villains had an eating quirk and just kept eating the damn arms like fucking Gluttony or Monkey D. Luffy or something. The other two villains worked together to beat Tamaki up, but then Tamaki neutralized one of their quirks and fucking absorbed the other one’s quirk and used it against him. Needless to say, he beat them, and it was pretty cool, although I’m not quite sure it was cool enough to warrant an entire chapter being devoted to it, but what are you gonna do. We’re moving on now anyway, so that’s that.

Today on BnHA: Tamaki passes out after winning his fight. We cut back to the rest of the heroes as they make their way down the neverending corridor. Mimic starts messing with the walls again and tries to crush Aizawa, but Fat Gum knocks him out of the way and takes the hit for him. At this point things become very jumbled, but basically FG and Kirishima end up separated from the rest of the group, and find themselves in a pit somewhere with two new villains. One of the villains is a big guy who likes punching shit, and the other is a Buddhist monk who likes to stand around and do absolutely nothing at all. The punching guy punches FG and Kiri a bunch, and Kiri has trouble withstanding it even with his quirk. FG yells at him to not give up and to maintain his will to fight no matter what. He and Kiri face the bad guys in determination and are all “we’re gonna punch ‘em some more, goddammit.”

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’ve read up through chapter 175 now, so any ETAs will reflect that.)

all right kids. it’s been two weeks since I last read a chapter. I just did a quick refresher of the past dozen chapters or so, partly to remind myself of everything that was going on, and partly to remind myself of all the cool things that have happened in this arc. it kinda helped. somewhat

Tamaki’s fight didn’t really drag on that much. it was just two chapters. it felt like an eternity -- despite the fact that I actually like Tamaki a lot -- but it really wasn’t that long

and yeah, it’s been like four chapters since they started this raid, and all they’ve basically done so far is run down a few hallways. but I feel like things have to pick up soon, so we’re going to press on

BnHA got the Jump cover again! hopefully that means things are about to get exciting

ooh and there’s a color page too

basically, now that he’s finished beating these three assholes, he’s dosed them with a bit of poison to keep them in check, and now he is passing out. shit

also, “that was far more trouble than it should have been” is one of the more accurate summaries I’ve read in some time

so now we’re finally getting back to our badass 1-A boys! yesssss. I missed you lunkheads

I kinda just want the rest of the arc to be them busting through wall after wall of the labyrinth until they finally catch up to where Mirio is. then Aizawa neutralizes Overhaul’s quirk and they knock him out and rescue Eri and everything is happy and good again. and Nighteye announces that All Might is not going to die after all, and it turns out this whole time he was just misremembering an old cliffhanger episode of the canon All Might anime. and they all live happily ever after etc. etc.

(ETA: you know that anon ask about what I’d change about this arc? scratch everything I wrote in response to that. pencil this in. done and done)

but SOMETHING TELLS ME this is not going to happen

all right, so we’re back in the ol’ villain labyrinth

I’m having so much trouble spelling the word ‘labyrinth.’ I keep mixing up where the y and the i are supposed to go. stupid English language

what the fuck is this title

lol wtf

(ETA: now that I know the meaning of this title, I simultaneously have new respect for the title itself, and new exasperation towards Horikoshi for somehow still failing to see the problem with this extremely dull matchup. listen dude. no one fucking cares if “defense wins championships.” I’m just a poor soul trying to stay awake during panel after panel of blurry punching action. please never do this to us again)

Kirishima’s all “is senpai gonna be okay”, and no one fucking knows, Kiri

but no. he’s not. why on earth did you all leave him. whatever

FG is annoyed that they’re doubting Tamaki

um, no, this is the kind of stupid policy that this series has so far done its best to avoid. in fact, FG, I’ll see your point and raise you one “a true hero offers help even when it’s not asked for”, which is almost the exact opposite of what you’re saying. so WHAT IS THE TRUTH

oh my god Kirishima is immediately doing a 180 from being worried about Tamaki to being all “HE’LL BE FINE”

so am I to understand that you can get Kirishima to say or do anything just by implying that it is or isn’t manly

...actually, yeah, that checks out

so Kiri is fiercely saying that he’s still worried, but he has no choice but to believe in him

meanwhile Rock Lock, whose name was actually mentioned back in like chapter 138 but I missed it but I picked up on it when I went back to refresh my memory, is being annoyed by their enthusiasm. yet again

I feel like Rock Lock actually loves these kids now. right? they’re so fucking lovable. how can you not

(ETA: everyone gives in to class A’s charms eventually)

so now they’ve found some stairs and they’re all “let’s take these stairs”

but then they’re like “maybe we shouldn’t take these stairs”

this kind of indecisive bullshit is exactly why this arc has taken 500 chapters so far you guys. come the fuck on already

Aizawa is suspicious because wth happened to that guy who was manipulating the corridors before

well wasn’t he high af though? so maybe the quirk enhancing drug just wore off and he passed out?

Aizawa is speculating that his range might be limited and he can’t sense them all the way over here. or maybe he’s distracted by the other guys who were still fighting him earlier

I’m tired of trying to sum this all up so I’m just gonna post it

this is the room where Tamaki just finished kicking these guys’ asses. oh shit

now Irinaka’s eye is peeking out, and he’s all mad that the three of them lost to just one guy

and now for some reason we’re cutting back to where Bubble Girl and Captain Cockroach (I forget his name. but it was basically something like that) are restraining the villains who they previously stayed behind to battle

they’re questioning why the villains who were in hiding came out of the woodworks to attack them when they could have potentially gotten away if they’d just stayed put

but one of the villains says that if they’d done that, “Overhaul would have our heads”

this is why I don’t really understand villains like that last bunch who are so fucking loyal to a guy who clearly could not give less of a shit about them

and it seems like most of the current Eights are more loyal to the previous boss than to Overhaul

clearly the previous boss should have picked a 13-year-old peace-loving suburban Japanese kid to be his next heir rather than Chisaki. this is what happens when you don’t have Reborn around

anyway, even though these guys are all complaining about Overhaul, they’re all certain that the heroes aren’t going to succeed in capturing him

-- WHAT IN THE

DID A GIANT BATTERING RAM THING JUST EXPLODE OUT OF THE WALL AND SLAM INTO AIZAWA BECAUSE HOLY SHIT?!

AND NOW IT’S MAKING A HOLE IN THE WALL AND SHOVING AIZAWA INTO IT SHIIIIIT

LEAVE AIZAWA ALONE FOR ONCE, HE NEVER GETS TO DO ANYTHING IN THESE ARCS. LET HIM KICK SOME ASS

Fat Gum is tackling the giant wall hand and knocking Aizawa away from it!

so now Fat Gum has been punted through the hole in the wall instead

I’m relieved Aizawa is still with the kids, but we’re staying with FG, and I s2g if we have to spend another two chapters away from the protagonist watching characters who -- as lovable as they are -- we’d never even met before the start of this arc, I’m not gonna be super happy

-- OH MY GOD

KIRI YOU BLOCKHEAD WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE

motherfucker, he jumped in to take the hit for Aizawa too and then Fat Gum obliviously jumped in behind him and Kiri got sucked in and FG didn’t even realize

well this is just fucking great

so now some guy is emerging from the shadows ready to have fisticuffs!

and Kiri is going into Unbreakable mode again!

should you really be using your trump card right away like that. the trump card which you can only hold for a very short amount of time

um what in the

I’m not really enjoying how blurry and indistinct and difficult-to-follow these action panels have been getting as of late. it’s starting to feel like this series is finally entering a sophomore slump. get it together BnHA, c’mon

anyway, this guy looks to be punching Fat Gum really hard and possibly repeatedly. kind of like when All Might fought the Noumu at USJ

hmm

honestly it sounds like this guy was born to fight Kirishima in an epic showdown

“people oughta kill each other using just the power they got in their bodies” oh, you wacky Honorable Villains. you guys are always all over the place

FG’s turning to Kirishima, but OH SHIT

relax, I’m sure he’s fine though

ah, yes, good

this is probably gonna look really cool in the anime which will make up for this panel being something of a blurry mess right now

(ETA: just to clarify, when I originally read this chapter, I wound up with FA’s original scanlation which was significantly lower in quality. I’ve since found their version 2.0 which used cleaned-up scans which are very much improved.

here’s the original for comparison:

so yeah, the improved scans alone help to make this fight a significantly better read this time around. it’s still dull, but at least it’s readable now lol)

now FG is... trying to punch the other guy, but like. well, take a look

FG is very confused

and now another villain is there! were you there this whole time omg

okay so it must be his barrier then, right?

must... resist... urge to call him Chance the Rappa. no one else thinks it is funny. just you

but you know what. it’s my recap though. so

(ETA: honestly, this association is the only reason why he’s one of the few Eight Expendables whose names I actually recall)

so now Chance is punching FG again and it looks like it hurt him. damn

you know what I didn’t sign up for here. another fight with a tier 3 character where there is no plot advancement and where the villain’s quirk appears to just be “I punch stuff real hard.” wtf. goddammit BnHA, I’m rooting for you so get your shit in order already

so now the barrier villain is referring back to the title and clearing all of that up

actually, Kiri is spear and shield all in one. just saying. boy knows how to throw a damn good punch. who do you think was smashing through all your labyrinth walls earlier

so now Kiri is climbing back to his feet and thinking that the dude’s punches hurt him even in his Unbreakable mode

now there’s a single flashback panel of Bakugou, and my god. I’ll take it. where are you, son. how’ve you been. how’s my other son. I’ve been stuck in a villain labyrinth with side characters for the past half dozen chapters. I hope you’re off having a nice time somewhere

Kirishima is looking like he’s about to get all When The Going Gets Tough THE TOUGH GET GOING

oh! what’s this??

is this... flashback Kiri???

are you telling me he’s not a natural bright flaming redhead. what the hell. next you’re gonna tell me Mina’s not a natural pink and that Deku’s been dying his hair green since childhood

although in Kirishima’s case, he did look up to that Crimson Riot guy seemingly in the same way Deku, Shouto, and Kacchan admired All Might, didn’t he? so maybe it’s got something to do with that

FG is shouting at him not to let up his Unbreakable mode, and that if his spirit breaks that’s when he’ll really lose

and the last page is just Kiri and FG looking gritty and determined. but Kiri’s in his Ben Grimm mode so it looks weird lol

look, I’m hella down for some Kiri flashbacks. I just don’t want this fight to take longer than one and a half chapters. that’s it. that’s my limit. starting a timer... now

BONUS:

I think maybe this bonus page is supposed to go with chapter 143, but eh. it works here too

so Rappa’s quirk is explained in another omake, and basically it’s something that allows him to rotate his shoulders really fast so he can punch a lot. to think, he could have been the next Michael Phelps, but instead he wound up being a third-rate villain in the most boring arc. such a waste

Tengai’s whole character just makes no sense to me whatsoever. why are you a villain. you’re so boring. nothing in your personality or backstory offers up any type of explanation for why you would be working for a murderous crime syndicate. it’s a complete mystery, but not in a cool way, more of a “none of this adds up in the slightest” type of way. just because you never open your eyes when you talk doesn’t make you cool you asshole

#bnha #boku no hero academia #amajiki tamaki #fat gum #kirishima eijirou #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #makeste reads bnha #why do Cool Anime Characters always do that anyway #open your damn eyes #it's not cool to just not look at things #'look at me look at how much of a shit I don't give. I'm bored by everything' #listen here asshole #unless you're a character in fma and your name is ling yao chances are you're doing this wrong #this isn't fucking bird box okay

[justwriting34]

The Umbrella Academy. Netflix’s (new) hit show, or well I think it’s a hit, but I am not a great judge of shows. It’s my type of show. It’s crazy, without shoving your face in the crazy. It doesn’t take itself too seriously, while still having serious moments. It has a talking monkey, seriously, could you think of a better show? It has romance, just not enough that you feel like a kid after the perfect Halloween score. It has action, just not so much action you’re in a slaughter house, or a b rated action movie with ½ price Bruce Willis. It has time travel, that realizes that time travel doesn’t make sense. And damn it, it has the talking monkey.

How can anyone not love a show like that? I sure have to like it. The show didn’t give me much of a choice. And it isn’t like some shows that Stockholm Syndrome you into loving it. I loved it at first sight, because of the monkey. We get it, you must be thinking a lot about the monkey, you love the monkey, we get that. First off, it’s a monkey butler, that’s a very different thing. And don’t go quoting me saying that I was only referring to him as the monkey or the talking monkey or even a talking monkey. It won’t work. I won’t listen even if you are right. Which you might be. And honestly, I don’t really like the monkey, well no more than any one likes a talking monkey. I mean come on we all have a soft spot for Curious George and that monkey doesn’t even really talk, the man with the yellow hat, just makes us think we can understand him. That monkey could just be talking about throwing poo all the time and we would have no way of knowing that. But no the talking monkey butler, bet you didn’t think I knew that, can tell us what is going on. But that monkey butler is not my favorite character, or even in my top ten. Which is something special considering there are only a little over ten characters in the show.

No, my favorite character is Klaus, though I am probably more like Vanya then I would like to admit, but I’ll circle back to that in a moment, let me take a moment to talk about my favorite character Klaus. Klaus is the crazy fun that I wish that I could be. Not the drugs part, don’t do drugs kids, stay in school, ok now that I have that PSA (brought to you by the crazy rantings of a girl behind a computer), out of the way, I want to take a moment to do an appreciation paragraph about the wonderful Klaus.

Klaus is the crazy we all need in our lives. He makes the world seem just a little bit different, a little more interesting. He adds perfect comedic timing to the group, and he does it at just the right time. So, yeah Klaus is freaking amazing. Oh, and as an added note he looks great in a skirt.

See an appreciation paragraph. Now, onto Vanya. I see myself in Vanya, a lot more than anyone would like to admit. Hold it. Freeze. Yes, I mean you too. Don’t think about what I just said too much. I had a normal childhood. Well, normalish? But really, when you think about it, don’t we all have a few messed up things about our childhood. One or two things that give us that special little quirk. That little oddity, that would make people tilt their head. Yeah, well I had those. But for the most part I am normal. My childhood was normal, and my parent’s well they were as normal as parents can be. And I am not saying there aren’t a few things that my parents did that made me a little messed up, but isn’t that life. You’re a kid and you see things that your parents did wrong, even if it just one or two things, and you vow to do things differently, so then you screw up your own kids in a unique and different way, well that’s me, and that’s what I believe, but I may or may not still believe in the Easter Bunny, my traps are going to get that monster one of these days, so you probably shouldn’t take anything that I believe beyond face value.

Anyway, that got off topic, I mean I have no idea if there was even a point to all of that rambling, you know I have heard people call my writing pedantic before, and I never agreed with them until just now. I mean, I ended up talking about my plans to catch the Easter Bunny and not stay on the topic that I am supposed to be on. And now I am being pedantic about being pedantic, that takes a new level of crazy, or narcissism. I just love my writing so much, or maybe I just love to write so much.

Stopping that, and going back to the topic on hand, Vanya. Well, really, the topic is why Vanya and I are so similar. It’s simple really. I apologize for existing to. I never really thought about it that way before though. I just assumed I was apologizing for things that I should have done better, but no I have been apologizing for existing. I didn’t even realize that I was doing until there was that line about apologizing just for existing. Which is weird because, I always wanted to be an actress, ever since I was little, but I as I grew up, instead of still wanting to be in the spotlight I wanted to disappear. But this isn’t about that, not really anyway. We will spin back to why it is a little important in a moment.

But let me first say this, if I could draw I would. I would draw a kickass picture of Klaus in a skirt, maybe I would even add the talking monkey butler, yes, I know his name is Pogo, but give me a little credit for this bit. If I was good at outfits and designing and such nonsense I would cosplay as Mother. I know I just threw a curve ball or whatever the comic equivalent of that is. But you must love mother’s style. I mean it’s a classic elegance you can’t beat that. Well, maybe except for Klaus and a skirt, but I’m a girl and I can’t pull off a skirt like Klaus. Truth be told I only really have three talents.

First acting. As I’ve said before, being an actress has been my goal since I was very little. My problem is auditioning, and auditioning seems to be a very big part of the whole thing of being an actress, so in this case that talent seems a little bit useless. That talent in this case would be useless, most likely, in this case no matter if I could audition or not. Of course, like many of the other things I say hold onto that most likely because, of course, I will be coming back to that. Now my other two talents seem to be much more important now and much more important with why I started writing this in the first place.

The second one, as you hopefully, noticed my mediocre ability to write. I have seen that I have the smallest ability to write something that is readable and at least entertaining enough to keep you occupied, while doing menial tasks. Such as, but not limited to, using the bathroom, waiting at the dentist office, waiting at the DMV, procrastinating on doing any work that is much more important than my writing, that work seems hard and you really don’t want to start on a weird time or whatever else excuse you’re using the moment. And besides all that I’m almost done with this one, I think, I never can tell with my ramblings.

Last talent that I seem to have been bestowed is my vivid sometimes overused imagination. Now, what do you get when you have a writer with too much time, a laughably vivid imagination, and an extremely engaging and wonderful little show?

If you guessed a fanfiction with the author, no let me get this straight, I need to make sure that I get this right, a persona of the author, playing a major part, I would like you all to give yourselves a pat on the back, for the ones who didn’t get it right let me say you should stop reading this right now. Who my kidding? You’re not going to stop reading this. You aren’t going to go start your task they need to do. The dentist hasn’t just called you. And honestly you probably still have about two hours to wait at the DMV. Oh, as the right ones have guessed, this is a giant, wind bagged, and yes pedantic, way of introducing the fact that I have decided to put my writing of my Umbrella Academy fanfiction out not the real world.

Now, about five disclaimers though most of the people that I am addressing in this disclaimer had already written me, I’m sure, five Twitter messages ten emails, and twenty-five mean spirited letters, and have just ignored this disclaimer. And I know, this feels like the disclaimer to a medicine commercial, half the people aren’t paying attention, a quarter is going to still get upset when it happens to them and the last quarter are paying attention, but it doesn’t pertain to them. Also no one really watches regular tv that much anyway, they all have Netflix, free product placement.

First disclaimer, this is only based on the show. I bought the comic and I plan on reading it, I just haven’t had the time yet. And if I get interest, I may write one like the one I am currently writing with all of the information from the comics. Secondly, I’m doing this for fun, so please take it easy on me, if you like it, tell me, if you don’t tell me, if you think there are a few things I need to fix tell me, just do it nicely. Remember my writing may seem like I am a hot and legal combination of Klaus and Number Five, I am really just a Vanya at heart, so be delicate.

Thirdly, if either dark horse or Netflix asks me to take it down, it’s down without questions. I would hate for someone to not do the same for me.

Fourthly and lastly, promise, if Netflix and the writers want to take my twist on the story, let me a least fail at auditioning for a character that is basically me.  

So, I hope you love my writing as much as I love Klaus, and the show, and hope you are a little more interested in it than I am in butler monkey.

Oh, and one more thing, I am going to be writing in both first person and third person. Me, or the character who I fantasize about being, is going to be told in first person. And scenes my character is not in will be third.

This is the opening for my blog which anyone who likes fanfiction, Umbrella Academy, and/or crazy rantings that might actually make sense, check it out. http://umberllacoverage.home.blog 

�

#the umbrella academy #umbrella acedmy #klaus #i love klaus #I'mVanya #Fanfiction

[fishdavidson]

Dream Journal 2019-03-01: Deciphering Mayan

Medication Update: I have started yet another medication to help make it through a (hopefully temporary) bout of side effects. No idea how this will affect dream recall or sleep, but I’m telling you this just in case something goes weird and I don’t update for a while. Should these unwanted side effects persist after the next two weeks, I’ll start tapering off and look for other treatment options. Medicine can suck sometimes.

Countless workers toil beneath my balcony as I oversee the composition of a secret message. I appear to be some kind of Mayan ruler at the start of this dream, and the writing system is pretty impractical (at least in the reality of the dream). Drafting a message requires dozens of people to rotate square stone statues arranged in a grid the size of a sports field. Each statue has a different symbol on each face, and the meaning of the symbol changes based on how many people are standing in front of it. Determining the message also involved the application of the Chinese Remainder Theorem (which is a real-life math concept) that I only halfway used correctly.

Thanks to the magic of dream logic, once my message was composed, I received a response instantly. The encrypted message was a series of scribbles that formed an overly on top of my field of vision and it required a great deal of concentration to decipher. I was able to translate the document into a 24-character alphanumeric code that I could use as a password to do... something.

I really wanted to find out what I could use that password for, so I focused entirely too hard on making sure I kept that password in front of my eyes at all times. But the funny thing about dreams is that focusing on one thing causes the world around it to collapse and warp. By the time I got to a place where I could actually deploy that password, the message was written on the waistband of a pair of red silk underpants. The text was still readable, so I started transcribing the code onto a door.

Each time I tried to transcribe the next batch of digits, I ended up unintentionally teleporting somewhere else due to the fluid nature of dream perception. First I was at work, then I ended up in an attic, then I ended up hiding beside a bed on an exterior balcony with fake grass for a floor.

When I got to the last set I needed to transcribe, I made the mistake of looking away from my precious underpants and the secret message contained within. The last batch of characters transformed into a child’s toy, and each character was represented by an unordered mess of illustrations. Is this duck supposed to represent the numeral 6 or the letter ‘b?’ What is this fallen log supposed to represent? Since I had no clue as to what I was supposed to transcribe now, I took a random guess.

The toy let out an angry buzz.

I guessed wrong.

NOW I WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT RICHES ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT DOOR, BUT I’M GOING TO ASSUME THAT IT’S EITHER THE CURE TO MALARIA OR MAYBE THE SECRET TO GETTING SUPER POWERS.

--------------------

Header image of a Mayan carving taken by David Stuart

#dream journal #mayan #translation #secret #dreams #fishdavidson #david stuart #toy