#there just. is a lot to get through. if i wanna adequately explain what's going on and why my mental illness has been up to 10 lately

[annieisyourfavourite]

okay i finally have the time to write out an explanation of what all has been going on with me the last like, month - all the stuff i've been alluding to. this is gonna be real, real long, so story time is under the cut.

so some setup. i lived with my parents until just a few months ago. i moved out and now live with my oldest brother, sean, and his 2 (well, it's 1 now but at the time) dogs. at my parents' house, it is my mom and dad, my little brother luke, his fiancee, and my paternal grandmother who we call baba. my parents also have 4 dogs.

baba was living on her own in serbia, but she had a stroke in february, and since my dad is her only kid, we took her in. baba has a lot of needs, and so my brothers and i have been urging them to get her into a nursing home. but for some reason my parents aren't doing this, despite the fact that it would improve everyone's lives tenfold.

because see baba? has been abusive to my dad and to us for his whole life. she has some trauma-induced mental illnesses that she doesn't like to treat, which means she often isn't in the same reality as everyone else. i say this not to imply that mentally ill people are abusive. but rather her mental instability is a big factor in the way that she acts and treats people. and also, if she wasn't mentally ill, my father would probably never speak to her for all the abhorrent things she's done. he can already barely stand her, and his anger issues and trauma responses have become very intense since she's been around.

i also have been abused by baba, and so i have told my family i won't engage with her as much as possible. it was hard when i lived there. but since moving out, i've said i refuse to babysit her or be her caretaker, since i can also hardly be around her without losing my shit. i've told my parents this. when she starts ranting about her paranoid delusions, i can't handle it. if she starts getting upset, i can't handle it. i remember her locking us 4 small children under the age of 12 out of her house when she was watching us because she thought we were annoying. i feel very unsafe around her!!! very bad!!!!

so! the reason all this is relevant. is that my whole family, save myself and baba, just went on a vacation for 2 weeks to the british isles. we've known about this trip for a long time. and i set up with my oldest brother that i would watch the 2 dogs at our house while he was gone. my other brother matt, who would be joining them later, was to watch baba and the 4 dogs up there. except. i learned like 2 weeks before they left. that matt couldn't do the weekends and the end of the trip. so there were 8 days total out of 14 that he wasn't gonna be there (bc matt sucks but that's a different post). so my mother calls me. and says they need me to watch everyone during those times.

at first she had told me it was 1 weekend (like saturday and sunday) and that was it, and i agreed to it even though it sucked. but then after revealing how much it was, i started saying no, i can't do that, that's obviously too much. out of the 6 dogs, 2 of them are new puppies. and 1 of them was an old dog who was dying of cancer. the old dog also couldn't be in the same room as one of the other ones, because they'd try to kill each other.

so like. far too much for 1 person to try and take care of. i said no i won't, i can't. and my mom got so mad at me. i told her i can't psychologically handle being trapped in a house with baba for that long. she said "can't you just suck it up this one time?" i said that's not how abuse trauma works. she said "i can't believe you're trying to ruin our once in a lifetime vacation." i said i'm physically disabled and that is too much. too bad.

i kept trying to find some help. but the problem was, even if someone could watch some dogs, they couldn't do that AND watch baba. and vice versa if someone could watch baba. and i needed to be away from her. however the time for the trip came, and there was no one else to help. so my parents left! they said i don't care what you say annie, we need someone to take care of it, and if you don't, your dogs and grandmother will die without proper care.

so i did it!! because they knew i would do it if there was literally no one else. and i was begging them to try and help, try to understand the price this was going to take. my dad kinda did. but didn't do anything to help. my mom just thought it would be fine.

so for 2 weeks. i was in charge of old dying dog and puppy 24/7. and then sick baba and 4 other dogs for over half the time. on top of trying to do rehearsals for a show i'm currently in. and i couldn't handle it!! i suffered, hm. 10 mental breakdowns at least? so many dogs. so much chaos. so much cleaning up messes from the puppies because they're puppies.

i called my mom, having a breakdown, the first weekend because i was supposed to go to an event for my boyfriend's work, and baba was fighting me on the plan. it was a whole mess. i literally owe my life to kayla (@/modestclam) because she came by on her 1 day off from her 2 jobs to help.

during this time, i also had a job interview in the city because i'm unemployed. and when there. my car got towed. i'm pretty sure incorrectly, i'm trying to contest the ticket. but i was stranded in the city, disabled and alone, and i had to spend over $300 just to get to the lot and get my car back, which i simply do not have. it took an extra 5 hours.

during the last weekend, i decided to keep the old dog chloe at my house, and my boyfriend came and watched her for the 5 days i was at the other house, because i was worried about moving her. my goal had been to just get her to the sunday when sean was getting back. she was clearly sick and i knew she didn't have long. but i was trying my best to just keep her going til then.

so i'm in the psychological torture zone up north. i had to drive back to my house at one point to help give chloe a bath, because she had intestinal issues and got stuff stuck to her backside, and my boyfriend was freaking out. and when i got back? the puppies. also had intestinal issues. all over the house. it took me 2 hours to clean, with baba obsessively following me the whole time. i have at least 1 breakdown every day. i have to miss a number of rehearsals either because i couldn't leave the dogs and baba alone, or because i was so dead tired i could barely move.

during this time. my mom also texts me. that my grandfather's partner had called and said he was in the hospital. he had a fall i believe? and so if anything happened, even though he lives a state away, i would have to be on call, since i was the only one in the country at that moment. because i guess she wants me to have a heart attack at age 25??

my little brother luke got back on tuesday evening, late. (he flew into an airport in canada and my mom wanted me to go drive the 2.5 hours there, pick him up, and drive back. i told her she must be on crack to think i would do that.) him and his fiancee weren't feeling well, but they took over main dog management. i went home to chloe.

the very next day. my parents and maternal grandma get home. grandma hadn't been feeling well, so she was gonna stay with my parents for a bit. except. the very morning after they got back. she tested positive for covid. and everyone in the house was sick.

my mom calls me asking me to take grandma to the doctor to get paxlovid (which i had taken and it helped me). everyone in the house is sick and they need my help. my oldest brother sean wasn't even back yet, he had an extra like 5 days, so i was still watching his dogs. i didn't even get 1 day after the 2 weeks from hell to rest. my grandma ended up going to the ER and getting put on oxygen. she was there 5 days and wasn't allowed visitors. i had to call around and get her affairs in order for her to stay there. the sick household includes: my mom who is 62, my dad who is 59 and has a genetic condition that gives him a weak heart, my little brother who ALSO has that heart condition and had heart surgery just this year, his fiancee who has autoimmune deficiencies, and my baba, who is t2 diabetic and in her 80s.

so i was stressed, to say the least. and during all THIS, chloe, the old dog, starts taking a turn for the worse. i'm doing everything i can to make her comfortable and keep her around, cleaning up her messes, hand feeding her dinner, whatever i can do. i go out to celebrate a friend's birthday saturday, and it's fun, but the whole time i'm stressed for what i'm gonna come home to. since sean was getting in sunday night. just 24 more hours.

when we got home, she greeted us happily. i got her to eat her dinner, drink water, take her pills, and even gave her belly rubs for a while. she was doing well. we all go to sleep.

and when my boyfriend and i wake up that sunday morning, the day sean was getting back. we found her unresponsive, having passed away in her sleep next to my bed. less than 24 hours before sean would have gotten to see her again.

to say i was devastated would be an understatement. i loved that dog so much. and i worked so hard to get her to the end of the trip. i used all my resources, i did everything i could. and she died in my room the same day my brother came back, before they could see each other. my heart? broken

luckily at this time i had family back, so my dad and luke came to put her in the box and deal with it, cuz i was well and truly at my limit. not a single day of rest in weeks. sean got home that night and the next day, we went up north at my parents house to bury her where we bury all our pets who have passed.

digging the grave was hard and miserable, because the spot we needed had a ton of roots in the way, and it was raining, and sean was limping bc of his bad foot, and everyone had covid, and it was just awful. i ended up doing a lot of work, even though i myself am physically disabled and very weak. my right arm and wrist still hurt real bad, and it's been 3 days since.

that night. THAT NIGHT!!!! THAT WE WERE BURYING HER!!! baba was delirious and coughing. she clearly had caught covid, as we knew she would. and covid really messes with her, especially her already frail mental faculties. she collapsed in the kitchen. so the following morning, my dad took her to the ER (after a lot of fighting from her). she was admitted to the hospital in poor condition. they think she has pneumonia. her bloodsugars have been bad for weeks, because we were waiting on an appointment with her doctor to up her meds. at the hospital they are giving her insulin (which she doesn't usually take?? irresponsible) but they can't get her bloodsugar down. which, when it comes to covid, isn't good. it's known that if you're diabetic, and you're admitted to the hospital with covid, and your bloodsugar is high? it's essentially a death sentence. your chance of mortality increases tenfold.

so i had to miss rehearsal again (this is where that post about my director being a bitch comes in). the director has also been making my life a living hell for this, punishing me for having all this going on. my part is like 7 lines, and yet she still is in my face constantly.

:-) so that's where i'm at!!!! my september has been such a blur of mental and physical distress, i'm surprised i'm still breathing tbh. i have therapy twice a week, and when i emailed my therapist the dog + covid update, he responded "holy shit." we've been trying our best, but he's like "the goal is to stay alive, please just stay alive, don't try to aim any higher." i just. don't have anything else in me, you know? i already was gonna need like a week to recover from the vacation stuff. and now with this. it's just like. how much is a person expected to take, you know? how much can a body hold before it falls apart? i'm hoping soon, god, please soon, i'll be able to rest a bit. but man.

it's been a rough fucking month.

#mine #god bless u if u get to the end of this behemoth #this really is like if i had an actual Blog(tm) #yeah. life has been right miserable. and i don't know how i'm standing it!!!!! #it's bc my friends love me and my boyfriend loves me and I love me too #literally cartoonish levels of agony and tragedy over here #sorry this was so long #but u know #there just. is a lot to get through. if i wanna adequately explain what's going on and why my mental illness has been up to 10 lately

[kunikinnie]

hii could i request hc s for yosano, kunikida and chuuya with a s/o who has a small child (like 4yo) just lots of fluff kinda found family vibes (completely ok if you don’t wanna write it tho, you can just ignore it i’d totally get it)

a/n: sorry this took such a loooong time but no i did not ignore this this is sO CUTE HAHA i don't usually write for Yosano but i gave it a shot anw tho it might be ooc :')

with an s/o who has a young child

featuring: Yosano, Kunikida, Chuuya x GN!Reader

Yosano Akiko

She's the quickest to come to a decision when it came to entering both your lives. Perhaps it's her age or simply her disposition, but taking care of the two of you isn't a hurdle for her at all.

She loves teasing and spoiling you but especially your child. This is why they love her so much that an outsider might think that she was the biological mother. They're that close.

Going out to buy stuff is their your favorite activity together. Whether it's just groceries or more clothes, home decor, and toys, the three of you will go at the same time.

One of her qualities that was extremely useful when dealing with your child was her patience. It's probably not just due to her background as a doctor, but her life experience is just a huge factor altogether.

When it comes to protectiveness with the small stuff, she's not as intense as the other two on this list. Of course the child's safety is of utmost priority but injuries and the like are normal and, in her opinion, necessary to build their character. (And also there's her ability when it comes to it, so the confidence goes up tenfold)

She's not afraid to be more openly affectionate with either of you. She knows you two need it and nothing makes her happier than seeing you two happy and loved.

Kunikida Doppo

He was pretty hesitant to start a relationship with you at first. It's not that he doesn't like that you have a child, it's more of he's not sure if he's ready to play the role of a father as well. But he knew there was no going back once he's formed an attachment to your child.

It was easier to win over the child than it was you for some reason. As much as he likes children, he wouldn't say he's an absolute natural at handling them. It was a big relief and advantage for him, then, to have them on his side.

Theirs is a pretty standard father-child relationship - not that it's a bad thing. Kunikida is 100% dad material even if he's not quite at that age yet. He's quite protective, lectures (nicely and softly) often, etc.

His teacher side will come out as well. Explaining the world to them is essential for their development (or so he says). Plus children are naturally inquisitive so he answers their questions adequately most of the time. Goes in depth with them, too.

He's the least likely to go on frequent one-on-one dates with you. Don't get me wrong, he loves you very much, but compared to the other two he's more than content to spend with you two as a family. It's also because he's so concerned that something might happen to your child that he'd want to be by their side as much as possible. (Ofc just tell him if you want to go on dates more often he'll definitely listen)

Overall, he does his best to be a good partner and father. He may be strict with you at times, but that's only because he loves you two so much.

Nakahara Chuuya

Similar to Kunikida, he was worried that you being in a relationship with him might not be the best for you and your child. But his mind changed when he was once welcomed into your loving home: what emerged was the overwhelming desire to protect it.

Hence the spoiling. Lots of spoiling. Whether it comes to buying you two things or giving in easily to your demands, it's just so hard for him to say no. He doesn't want either of you to go through the poverty he went through.

He's such a sweet guy that I can't even begin to describe it. Every present and favor he does for you is done thoughtfully, and he definitely puts so much effort in becoming the lover you've always dreamed of.

Even if he doesn't visit often due to work, it only makes every moment more special. Your child looks forward to being with him (even if only to sleep together). They love sleeping on top of him to prevent him from leaving too soon and most of the time, it works.

You love seeing them play together. Chuuya's good at it, but most of all his inner kid comes out and it's such an adorable sight you can't help but let them indulge in it. The best part is watching him try to mind his language around them. The one time he let it slip and your kid copied him, he was mortified (while you were thoroughly entertained).

The mafia life is far away from your home. He rarely ever talks about it let alone think about it whenever he's with one or the both of you. During these times he's just himself - not a mafia executive, not the boss's underling - he's just Chuuya.

taglist: @irethepotato, @kisara-16reblogs, @thatdazaikin, @dazaee, @menshusband, @celestair, @bloobewy

#bsd #yosano akiko #kunikida doppo #nakahara chuuya #yosano x reader #kunikida x reader #chuuya x reader

[many-but-one]

TW suicide and self harm mention

Hi! Could you as someone with DID help me better undestand my situation?

I am a singlet but I hear constantly voices in my head that are not my own and I have had hard time trying to understand them. I've been doing so much research of DID to figure out if I could have it but I don't have one childhood trauma but C PTSD from childhood neglect.

I have been able to recognise that one of the voices belong to a young girl who sits alone in a dark room. She only ever says "I want to die. Let me die. Go away. Leave me alone".

Two other voices are just voices without any looks. One of them is a strict and mean caretaker-like person who tells me to mask in public (I have autism) and shouts and screams if I do something wrong / mess up.

The last voice tells me to self harm, cut my limbs off and kill myself.

I don't have an inner world but I can sometimes imagine very vividly the little girl in the dark room and when I was younger I had this place I used to imagine where I am stuck inside a huge cardboard box filled with dust. It was just something that used to reoccur inside my head.

Other than that, I have amnesia only if I'm very tired or stressed out and even then I miss only like 1 hour or less at a time.

Sometimes I dissociate, it used to be regular when I studied (derealization and depersonalization). Now it's like once a week or when I see something triggering from my childhood.

And I only have had the little girl speaking through my mouth. It's like having tics where I can't control myself and she always says "Let me die" or something like that.

Does this sound like a DID to you? Because I don't know how to explain this. I have no idea why I keep hearing those voices. I am seeing a psychiatrist but atm we are trying to get me autism diagnosis.

Heavy sigh.

Okay, anon. I’m sorry it has to be this post that makes me snap, but I’m gonna have to do it to ya. This goes to every anon that does this to OSDDID accounts. I see this absolutely everywhere on a lot of OSDDID folks’ pages, especially the folks who are more “well known” in the tumblr community. (Not saying I’m one of them but I do get these messages very VERY often, and I see them everywhere.)

Anons who are having a mental health issue, please fucking STOP sending anon messages to OSDDID accounts asking “does me doing x, y, z mean that I have DID?” Or “I show all these signs of DID do I have it?” Like. I understand that you’re confused. I understand you need help. But if you are hearing voices telling you to fucking kill yourself, you NEED to see a mental health professional, not ask a rando on tumblr if you have an EXTREMELY COMPLEX DISORDER that can literally takes YEARS to diagnose in someone. Like…I am fully okay with self dx with adequate research. If you think that’s what you have, fucking great. Work on coping skills. If you find out later you don’t have it? Great. Now you can move on and try and figure out what’s going on. I am fully aware not everyone has access to good mental health care. I am aware that mental health specialists are often absolutely fucking shitty.

HOWEVER!

STOP. MESSAGING. RANDOM. TUMBLR. CREATORS. ASKING. IF. YOU. HAVE. A. COMPLEX. DISSOCIATIVE. DISORDER.

Do I make myself clear, anons? This goes to every single one of you. I generally don’t answer and delete a solid 3/4ths of you because half the time your rambling makes absolutely no sense and I’m very sorry but I really don’t care. I don’t know who the hell you are. My brain is split into shards and I’m working on trying to survive the fucking day here. I’m working on how to live without numbing myself to the world. I do not have time to try and join the circle-jerk of validation that y’all want from me.

If you wanna DM me and let me get to know you more, we can discuss things further. With more nuance. We can have an actual discussion. I would absolutely LOVE that. Because maybe I can point you into a direction of good coping skills, good resources, and places to find a sense of community that isn’t tumblr dot com. I’d love to get to know you and help you. But if you come at me in my inbox with anon as your name asking me to validate your experiences with barely a paragraph worth of information, that’s not gonna fucking happen.

What answer are you looking for, anon? Do you want me to say “Yep! Sounds like DID to me!” Because I am not a professional and if I were to be so quick to hand out validation cards because you would feel better if a random tumblr account agreed with you, I doubt that would actually help you in ANY way. Yes, validation feels good and it feels good to be seen and heard but I don’t fucking know you and you’ve given me what sounds like suicidal voices in your head and some possibly inner world activity. I hate to break it to you, but CDDs are a LOT more than just alters and voices and an inner world. It’s basically C-PTSD on steroids and if you don’t show any signs of C-PTSD then you might be looking in the wrong direction. But of course how am I to know that because I don’t know you and you can’t possibly explain your entire life story in a fucking tumblr ask. It sounds like you already know what you’re experiencing, you just explained it very plainly to me. If you have done adequate research and you think you have a CDD, then for the love of god find a professional to work with you and start learning coping skills related to trauma and dissociation.

I am not your therapist. I am not going to give you the validation you seek. If you want a dx, find a therapist that works in trauma and dissociation.

I know this is coming off very aggressive but MAN this is so common and it really needs to fucking stop. ESPECIALLY sending triggering info to a random tumblr user. The “TW suicide and self harm” ain’t gonna do shit. (re: the part where you are talking about voices telling you to cut off your limbs and kill yourself.) I can handle those conversations just fine but not all creators can and it’s fucked that you and all the gazillion anons trauma dumping to random OSDDID tumblr users think that this is just okay?? The AUDACITY my dudes. I understand you’re probably having a rough ass time right now but you have absolutely no idea how my day has been, how my week has been, how my life has been. You get a tiny snapshot of what I choose to share here. Which trust me, is a tiny TINY little snapshot of the reality of my condition. How would you feel if your trauma dump triggered out one of my suicidal parts and killed me? Or severely harmed me? Y’all (all anons, not just you) desperately need to fucking understand that OSDDID systems are traumatized as FUCK and things like that can literally get us killed. It’s not a game. I know some plural folks online make it seem fun, but anon as you seem to understand, it’s very scary having parts inside that want you dead. These parts can take control of my body and do just that. They’ve tried before.

All anons out there, please have some fucking decency and respect for OSDDID creators out there. We are not your therapist, we’re just trying to live our fucking lives and sometimes make content on the side.

Rant over. I hate doing shit like this but I am so over it and y’all need to fucking know.

-Blurry

#did osdd #did #did alters #dissociative identity disorder #trauma #osdd #vent #anon #anon ask #anon answer #blurry gang #traumagenic did #cptsd #anons stop asking did creators for a diagnosis challenge IMPOSSIBLE #manybutone

[darling-i-read-it]

Hug

Pelle x reader

Word Count: 2.2k

Warnings: Danis grief and the things that come with that (crying, heaviness) 

Author’s Note: this was not on my list of things I wanted to write and yet 

I feel held by him okay 

Summary: You and Pelle meet through Dani and Christian (man I suck at summaries) 

Song: Run by Hozier

I don’t own these characters. They belong to author/director 

(not my gif)

Dani liked you. She liked you a lot. You made her feel sane and that helped her in more ways than one. She liked the fact that you would always listen to her and tell her that she was right, even when she was wrong. She liked that your eyes never once flitted away from her when she spoke. She liked that you understood her grief in a way that most people would never try to. 

She almost had no desire to introduce you to Christian. She loved Christian, she really did, but you didn’t need to meet her boyfriend. 

Dani thought, even though you did appreciate her that you would never understand the way that he loved Christian. Maybe she didn’t even understand it. 

In any event, she wouldn’t be able to explain in an adequate way. 

But still, you pushed.

You were hanging out with her, in her room. She was walking around the room numbly, trying to understand why her head never seemed to be wrapped around the room when people were speaking. A sorrow was still hanging over her. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” you asked. You were sitting on her desk, watching her anxiously pace back and forth. 

“No.” She stopped walking. “I’m sorry, that was blunt.” You shook your head. 

“Don’t worry about it. We don’t have to talk if you don’t want,” you told her evenly. Dani walked up to you and sat down at the chair in front of you. She felt a little more clear headed with you. It helped to be around people sometimes. Tears started to well up in her eyes but she quickly shook them away.

“Christian has been distant lately. I don’t know how to tell him I still need him without being...needy,” she said, avoiding your eyes.

“He should understand.” You gave her a narrow look and she sighed. 

“Yeah yeah. I know you wanna meet him.” 

“I just wanna learn about this guy who supposedly has absolute zero ability to read his girlfriends moods.” She sighed.

“You wanna meet him? Alright. You can meet him. But his friends will probably be there and if you don’t wanna-”

“I’d love to meet his friends as well. You can tell a lot about a person based on the company that they keep.” 

====

“This is Y/N. Y/N this is Christian, Mark, Josh and Pelle.” You shook their hands, a kind smile on your face. Mark eyed you for a second longer than he should have and you weren’t sure how to feel about them as a whole. A very basic group of boys that may not be all that they seemed. You were all at Christians place which was dirty. Clothes were on the floor and most of his books were strewn around. There was food on the kitchen counters. 

You ignored your initial thoughts and waved slyly.

“Nice to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you all.” Truth be told, you didn’t know much about any of them but Christian. You barely knew their names to faces. 

“You’re the only friend of Dani’s we hear about. You go to school here too right?” Josh asked. You nodded.

“Yes. It’s how Dani and I met.” Your eyes looked around the four of them and surveyed their expression. The man at the end, Pelle, had a very neutral and soft looking expression on his face. You admired him immediately. 

But you ignored that so that you were able to assess Christian better. 

“Now Christian, I think it’s about time I teach you how to treat your girlfriend,” you teased gently and the guys raised their eyebrows. Mark patted Christians back.

“She’s got her guns out. How are you going to respond?!” Mark asked loudly. Christian was laughing and so were you but you had been serious. He was a terrible boyfriend. If they had classes on how to be a decent boyfriend, you would force him to take them, for Dani’s sake. 

“You’re Dani’s friend which means you are my friend,” he said finally. Your lips twitched and you nodded slowly. “Can I offer you anything to drink?” 

“No, thank you though.” Dani sat down at the living room area and the boys quickly followed. Her and Christian were on the love seat, Mark in one of the chairs and you, Pelle and Josh on the couch. You were sitting beside Pelle on the left. 

He smelled good. 

“How is school treating you?” he asked. You turned to him, pleased to hear that his voice was as soothing as he looked. He had an accent you couldn’t place - you were hopeless with accents. 

“Well! At this rate, I should get through finals with only a few scratches here and there,” you told him. 

You could hear that Mark had asked Christian a question and they were having a conversation off to the side. 

“How about you?” you asked.

“Good, just about as good as you. I wonder, maybe if we have any teachers in common,” he suggested. You nodded. 

“It’s entirely possible. What are you studying?” 

“I’m in the Anthropology department.” 

“We may overlap. I’ll have to check your schedule.” 

Dani gave you a look but your eyes were not on her. She couldn’t distinguish what you and Pelle were saying because your voices were so calm while the other boys were booming. She was only a few feet away and still...whatever you were laughing about was lost on her.

====

You didn’t stay long. Dani and you had to get back so that you were able to study for finals. And by that, it was usually you studying with her in the room so she had someone to keep her in check. You didn’t mind. 

“You and Pelle seemed to get along well,” she noted. 

“I was there to make sure Christian seemed like a decent human,” you told her. 

“And?” You thought about it for a moment and she was right. You had talked to Pelle almost exclusively. 

“Pelle was really nice,” you conceded. She laughed gently. At least you were able to be honest with her. 

“I think he likes you. He’s a Swedish exchange student, if he didn’t tell you.” 

“That’s where the accent is from! It was bugging me. I was about to start speaking to Google,” you said laughing. She rolled her eyes playfully.

“You could have just asked him.”

“I didn’t know if it was inappropriate!” 

======

You ran your hand through your hair as you walked around your little apartment. It had about everything you could ever need and you loved it. Dani was sleeping on the couch you had managed to squeeze in. 

There was a knock at your door. 

You checked the clock on the wall and furrowed your brows in confusion. It was still pretty early in the day. You had to go to class soon.

You opened the door and Pelle stood in front of you, a kind smile on his face. 

“Pelle! What a nice surprise,” you whispered. He looked confused as to your whisper and you opened the door enough to show Dani sound asleep. He nodded understandingly. 

“I hope this isn’t inappropriate,” he said, in the same hushed tone.

“No, no. Although I do have to go to class soon. What is it?” You leaned against the doorframe.

“I thought our conversation the other day was really nice.” He paused for a minute, thinking over his words. You waited patiently. “I would like to take you out for coffee.” 

You were a bit surprised that he had come all the way to your apartment to tell you that. You assumed that Christian had given him the address. He had it so he knew where Dani was, she had given it to him. 

“I would like that very much. Although, you could have just called,” you said smiling.

“I prefer in person. I think it’s more personal.” You nodded but turned around, grabbing a pen off of your desk. You grabbed his hand and scribbled your number onto his palm.

“For when you want to tell me where to meet you.” He smiled and nodded once, pleasantly. 

“Until then.” 

“Until then.” 

====

Pelle called you that night to tell you where to meet him for coffee. You were pleased and excited. Dani woke up the next morning when you were getting ready to leave. It was Saturday so you didn’t have any classes to attend and you figured you were due a break from studying. 

“Where are you going?” she asked groggily. You cleaned up your bed and turned to her on the couch.

“I have a coffee date,” you said honestly. 

She raised her head up off the pillow and rubbed her eyes.

“Oh?” You nodded, fixing your hair in the mirror. You looked yourself over and nodded nervously at yourself. You looked good. You hoped it wasn’t too much for just a coffee date. “Care to share who it’s with?” 

You sheepishly looked at her through the mirror. 

“Pelle,” you said quietly. She laughed heartily. It was the first time you had heard her actually laugh in weeks. 

“Pelle?” 

“Yes. Go back to bed. I’ll probably be back before you get up.” She laid her head back down. 

“Have fun at your coffee date!” she called but her voice was muffled by the pillow. 

====

“Yes! I told Dani that but she doesn’t believe me. I don’t know, I think maybe we’re all a little too hard on her.”

The coffee date was going swimmingly. Pelle was funny and he was also able to give you good advice. You were amazed at his kind heart.

As for his feelings for you, he loved you. Dani had spoken about you and your kind heart before but he never thought you would be like this. He never thought he would love you this much so instantly. You were charming and honest and there was some quip left in you. He admired your qualities and was pleased to find that you liked him as well. 

He could never be sure but he thought you may like it back at his home. 

“You’re being a very good friend. Better than most,” he said honestly. He reached a hand forward and laid it on your hands which were sitting on the table. Both of your cups were empty. You looked down at his hand on yours and attempted to suppress your emotions. 

“Thank you Pelle.” 

You moved your hands apart so they were holding his hand between them. He smiled a bit, sheepishly. 

“I really enjoyed this.”

“I did as well.” 

You were very pleased to hear it wasn’t one sided. 

You both stood up and started for the door. His hand still held yours. It was within walking distance of both of your homes but in opposite directions. Before parting he turned to face you. You smiled up at him, trying your very hardest to not let him know how much you had enjoyed the date. 

That was when your phone rang. Your smile fell and you had to know who it was calling. 

Dani. 

“I’m sorry-”

“Don’t worry. I will wait.” 

You picked up the phone and put it to your ear.

“Yes?”

“I-I need you.” She was crying. She didn’t like to ask for help so this must have been serious. You nodded stiffly.

“I will be there in a couple minutes. Hold on,” you said kindly. You hung up the phone and turned to him. “Dani needs me, I’m sorry.” He shook his head and before you could say another word, he was hugging you. 

You had thought he might kiss you but this was almost better. It was almost for sure better than a kiss. His arms engulfed your body and held you tightly. He was wearing a soft sweater and it felt so nice against your face. He smelled like herbs and trees. You hugged him back, tightly. He had his hand on the back of your head and he gently kissed your shoulder. 

He pulled away ever so slightly and kissed you softly. You had to pull away to smile. 

“I’ll see you soon Pelle.” He nodded and you were about to walk away when he strengthened his hold on you. 

“Mark, Josh, Christian and I are going to take a trip back to my home in Sweden for the summer. Dani will likely be invited too. Would you like to come?”

#pelle x reader #midsommar imagines #pelle imagines

[knjoodles]

sallang; taehyung | 01

pairing: singlefather!taehyung x reader

genre: fluff

recommended song: come on get higher by matt nathanson

word count: 2K

warnings/author’s note: this first chapter is slightly suggestive. nothing that i’d consider smut-worthy, but a warning never hurts! i’m also starting this as a mini-series, with short chapters and an overall short story. glad to be back!

summary: handsome, intelligent, fashionably late: taehyung seems to be a total package, and you’re all for it. that is, until his rain-checks and delayed appearances become so frequent that you feel left in the dark. what could he possibly be hiding?

sallang - a word describing the manner of the wind blowing lightly.

lowercase intended

this is a major waste of my time is what you thought as you rhythmically tapped your fingers against the clothed wooden table of a local restaurant, your knee bouncing impatiently against the floor, your free hand holding your head, glancing around in pure boredom. with how much time you’d spent staring at the wall beside you, you’d probably noted every color its paint compiled. it was your first date with a man from tinder who you realized was way out of your league — and you began to fear that he realized it way before you did.

snaking your phone from your back pocket, leg still bouncing, a deep sigh escaping your lips, you opened his profile once again. “kim taehyung, twenty-five, huh?” you filed through his tab once again, mumbling as you read. “likes reading, going to the beach… do you like being late, too?” you hissed, “because, from the looks of it, its like you get off on—”

“excuse me?”  

your thoughts of innermost annoyance suddenly subsided at the sound of a deep, masculine voice from above you. your head darted upwards to find none other than kim taehyung standing in black slacks with a complementary white shirt to match, his chest rising and falling, almost like he’d run to your date. “are you (y/n)? i’m taehyung… from tinder?” his eyebrow pricked up as he finished his sentence, an embarrassed smile cracking across his face. you stared at him for a moment, taking in the man standing before you. (y/n)? upset at kim taehyung? never. seeing him in person, you’d almost completely forgotten you were irritated.  

“yeah, that’s me. have a seat,” you smiled awkwardly, chuckling softly. you watched as taehyung hooked his casual blazer, previously wrung lazily around his arm, onto his chair. he sat down quietly, moving his seat closer to the table, adjusting his glasses and jet black hair. a moment of silence fell between the two of you, taehyung picking up his menu to appear preoccupied in the dinner menu. you smiled to yourself, catching glimpses of his eyes blinking rapidly as he excitedly scanned the text, a habit that’d already made itself known. you began to notice how he’d glance up at you every so often, chewing his lip, flustered, almost as though he wanted to say something but couldn’t find the words to do it.

“i’m sorry for being so late,” he admit, sighing. “i had something to take care of earlier, and it took a lot longer than i’d hoped,” he set his menu down, toying with its edge with his finger. “i...” he paused, “i apologize. i know it must’ve been inconvenient for you.” you took this moment to eye taehyung's hands, slender and dainty, his fingers long and adequate.  

you laughed at his slightly frantic tone. “it’s fine, don’t worry about it. you’re here now, right? let’s focus on that. you wanna tell me a little more about yourself, ot should i go first?” you assured, smiling comfortingly. “your bio only tells me so much.”

“uh, okay!” he nodded, resting his hands on the table. “well, i’m taehyung, i recently received my bachelor’s and i’m aiming for a phd in english, i don’t care for coffee all that much, i love pretty much all animals you can find, and… i’m 5’11".” he introduced himself with detail as he adjusted the cuffs of his shirt, pulling them up to only reach past his elbows. “how about you?”

“oh, my turn?” you questioned, earning a giggle from the man facing you. “i guess it’s only fair. i’m (y/n), i’m pursuing law as of now, we can lay low on coffee if you’d like — i don’t really mind. i like going on simple dates, i love music recommendations, i love musicians, and i’m significantly shorter without these heels on.” you finished, content that either taehyung had a really bad sense of humor or that your finishing line made a better impression than you’d thought it ever could. 

“does this fulfill your requirement of a simple date?” taehyung inquired playfully, lightly patting the table.

“it does,” you replied, tone flirtatious. you noticed taehyung eyebrow raise and jaw tighten at your response as he cracked a smirk, entertained at the shift in energy. that look jumbled your insides, but there was no time for that. you expelled those thoughts from your mind as you cleared your throat, silently scolding yourself. your moment was interrupted by a waitress, the same one who’d pitifully watched you poke at the complimentary sourdough bread slices with an empty seat in front of you. offering to kindly take your menus and your orders, the two of you obliged. as she scurried away from your table, a notepad with messy handwriting scribbled across it dangling from her waist apron, you turned back to taehyung, whose eyes were glued to you, one of his hands caught in his hair as he ran a hand through it. “hey,” he muttered, his voice deep, his eyebrow habitually twitching upwards once more. was he trying to make you unravel in the middle of your date?

“oh my god,” you laughed, trying to shake off how flustered you were. “you can’t just do that and expect me to be okay!” you joked.

“do what?” he chuckled in return. “the deep voice? i can’t control that; it just happens sometimes,” he smiled at his lap, looking back up at you soon after. “you said you were interested in musicians?”

“i mean, it’s not a necessity, but yeah, i find musicians especially interesting.” you explained, reaching for your glass of cold water, ice half melted.  

“i don’t want to brag, but when i was in high school, i was in a band.” he grinned as your jaw dropped. your mind raced with thoughts of how flawless he was, from how well he dressed to how every secret of his made him ten times more attractive. “it was just seven of us, seven of my friends. some would rap, some would sing. i was a singer, and i was really invested in the group. after we all graduated, the group kind of fell out, but we’re all still friends. cool, huh? i would play a little bit of everything, from piano to guitar. more piano, though.” he added, tilting his glass of water towards you, his attractive grin infectious.  

“that’s crazy,” you gasped, leaning forward in your chair. “ever thought of getting the band back together? you’ve got the looks!”

“the looks?” he repeated, laughing excitedly. “you’re giving me too much credit here, (y/n),”

“i don’t think you’re giving yourself enough,” you replied, raising your eyebrows, challenging his humble temperament.  

the two of you dined contentedly, taehyung's charismatic personality and contagious smile catching you every time. the conversation, surprisingly, were never boring, they flowed into one another the way good friends converse after not seeing each other for a long time. his mannerisms and aura struck you as welcoming and comforting, as if he was a bright, warm light you wanted to step into. he was safety embodied, he was a simple, gentle man, with kindness and love pouring out of his soul. to your multiple objections, taehyung covered the bill, still feeling guilty over arriving late. a part of you inexplicably pitied him; you felt as though you should’ve at least pitched in half. it may have just been your morals being challenged, but you almost felt obligated to pay him back.  

dusting off his trousers, taehyung arose from his chair, your date coming to a close. a wave of childish frustration fell over you: you didn’t want it to end, not yet! to your surprise, he glided to your side of the table, chivalrously offering his hand to help you up. you smiled and took his hand graciously, his endless good-natured acts perplexing you. who was this guy? other than being late, was there really a flaw?

as you arose from your seat, you decided the answer to the latter question was no. this was absolutely the best date you’d ever been on: he wasn’t obnoxious, he wasn’t boisterous, he didn’t ask you for anything afterwards… you’d been with your fair share of unforgettably horrible men. taehyung was different, though: it wasn’t that he was just more decent than the men you’d previously gone out with, it was his aura, his persona, it was something above physicality that made you fall for him more than you thought you should.  

“thank you for the lunch,” you smiled graciously as he accompanied you out of the restaurant, opening the door for you as well. “this was really enjoyable! i hope we can do this again soon.”

“me too! thank you for being so nice to me despite me being late.” he returned your kind grin before grasping for his buzzing phone in his pocket, pulling it out to check an apparent text. “i, uh…” he swallowed, now visibly anxious. “would you like me to walk you to your car?” his tone completely different from his physical state.  

“i’m just over there!” you motioned to your car, stammering, confused by his sudden shift in energy. “if you have something important to get to, you go ahead!” he relaxed slightly, thanking you kindly and pulling you into a warm embrace. it felt shocking, but not in a bad way — his very intimidatingly handsome appearance contrasted with how gentle he had been with you. should you have liked him this much on the first date alone?

“i’ll see you soon! i can text you my number on tinder later. thank you again!” he jogged backwards, still making eye contact before he finished his statement, where he then turned completely and began dashing towards his car. you found him charming and funny and it made you smile.  

spinning on your heel to walk towards your car, you spun the chain of your car keys on your finger, the thought of taehyung still with you. he’d been perfect: good-hearted, humble, witty… you could go on. you sat quietly in the front seat of your car, thumbing the leather of your steering wheel. part of this felt very suspicious — how could someone be this perfect? how could someone be this enjoyable, this wonderful, this considerate? you didn’t want to feel this way about him as he felt wholly genuine, but you couldn’t ignore the feeling of possibly being lied to. was he messing with you? he absolutely could be. what would you know?

you'd thought yourself into a corner. suddenly, you felt very bad, sitting alone in your car in a silent parking lot. you closed your eyes tightly and sighed loudly, trying to expel as much upset as you could from your body. you’d just had an amazing date! you shouldn’t be feeling this bad afterwards. taking a moment to collect yourself once more, you started your car, dusting yourself off before driving yourself home, the scent of taehyung’s faint cologne lingering in your mind.

i missed u guys :}. enjoy this piece from me!

#kpop #bts #bts masterlist #bts series #bts au #bts oneshot #bts drabble #bts reactions #bts fluff #bts angst #bts smut #bts x reader #kpop icons #kpop masterlist #kim taehyung #taehyung #taehyung smut #taehyung fluff #taehyung angst #taehyung x reader #bts v #taehyung reaction

[lingthusiasm]

Transcript Lingthusiasm Episode 54: How linguists figure out the grammar of a language

This is a transcript for Lingthusiasm Episode 54: How linguists figure out the grammar of a language. It’s been lightly edited for readability. Listen to the episode here or wherever you get your podcasts. Links to studies mentioned and further reading can be found on the Episode 54 show notes page.

[Music]

Gretchen: Welcome to Lingthusiasm, a podcast that’s enthusiastic about linguistics! I’m Gretchen McCulloch.

Lauren: I’m Lauren Gawne. Today we’re getting enthusiastic about how grammars come into existence. But first, we are doing a liveshow in April. We will be doing a liveshow recording on the internet so that we can all be in the same place at the same time on Saturday the 24th of April, Eastern Daylight Savings Time in North America, which will be early on a Sunday morning for us here Australia.

Gretchen: That’ll be 6:00 p.m. for me on Eastern Daylight Time. We will include a link to a time zone converter so you can figure out when that is for you.

Lauren: We’ll be doing the whole show about backchanneling, which is all those ways that you –

Gretchen: Mm-hmm.

Lauren: – actively listen to someone as they’re talking. Thank you for that excellent backchanneling, Gretchen. Something I think a lot about in our era of lots of video calls and online chats.

Gretchen: You can’t see me, but I’m doing a thumbs up right now.

Lauren: Excellent backchanneling.

Gretchen: These are some kinds of backchanneling. We’re gonna be talking about lots more. I think it’s fun to do a liveshow about backchanneling because it means that you get to backchannel in the chat while the show’s going on and chat with each other. That’ll be fun. We’re running the ticketing of the show through Patreon. If you’re a patron, you’ll automatically get a link to the liveshow to join. If you’d like to become a patron, you can also do that to get access to the liveshow stream.

Lauren: Patrons also get access to our recent bonus episode on reduplication as well as 48 other bonus episodes because we have almost 50 now.

Gretchen: That’s a lot! Lots of Lingthusiasm for patrons, which helps keep the show running.

Lauren: Our liveshow is part of LingFest, while will be taking place across the last week of April, which is an online series of events about linguistics. You can find out more about LingFest at lingcomm.org/lingfest.

Gretchen: That’s “comm” with two Ms as in “communication.” Speaking of LingComm, if you’re interested in communicating linguistics to broader audiences, you can also join the LingComm conference, which is a conference for practitioners of linguistics communication such as ourselves and many other cool LingCommers to learn from each other and help produce more interesting and engaging materials for all of you.

Lauren: LingComm, the conference, is taking place online the week of April the 19th.

Gretchen: You can also go to lingcomm.org/conference to see the schedule and other details there.

Lauren: That’s “comm” with two Ms.

[Music]

Gretchen: Lauren, how many people would you say you know who have written a grammar of a language?

Lauren: Hmm, okay, well, both my PhD supervisors. I’d say half the people in the department that I current work in. I have written a grammar of a language. This is a perfectly common activity among my professional cohort. I assume it’s a thing most people do and know about, so we don’t really have to explain it for this episode at all. This is fine.

Gretchen: [Laughs] Yeah, I would say that at least several of the people that I went to grad school with – not necessarily at my university – people I knew from conferences, professors that I knew – one professor I knew had her grammar come out the same year that her baby came out, and she posted a photo of the grammar and the baby, which were about the same size, on Facebook after that happened. It was really cute.

Lauren: Grammars definitely take longer than nine months to gestate. I can definitely confirm that.

Gretchen: I have not written a grammar. So, when someone’s going about writing a grammar, what – okay, here’s a language. There isn’t a grammar written or the grammar that’s written of it is not adequate. What do I do to start?

Lauren: What you’re talking about is taking all of the amazing complexity of how humans use language and finding the rules that reoccur within a particular language and then finding a way of articulating that concisely in written form in a grammar so that, by the end, you’ve worked through most of the common features you find in this language – all of the variations and irregularities – and you’ve put that into some kind of readable book format for other people to then learn about how the grammar of this language works. That is the overarching aim of this endeavour.

Gretchen: I’ve consulted grammars in the process of doing linguistics. I have the Cambridge Grammar of the English Language sitting on my desk. When I was in grad school, I spent a lot of time consulting Valentine (2001)’s grammar of Nishnaabemwin. There are grammars that I’ve consulted. They’re 1,000 pages, 2,000 pages long. Sometimes you’ve got a really massive grammar. Sometimes you get a shorter sketch grammar. They have certain similarities in the structure and the types of things that people cover in a grammar.

Lauren: Absolutely. You tend to start, traditionally, with smaller bits and work upwards. You’re likely to find a description, if it’s a spoken language, of the sound system or, if it’s a signed language, of the hand shape and body space phonology at the beginning of the book and then work up to word-level – you probably expect if a language has adjectives, a section on adjectives, which we’ve talked about before.

Gretchen: We have talked a little bit about adjectives.

Lauren: And then if you’re look at sentence-level stuff, like asking a question, how you do that, it happens at the level of the sentence, that tends to be more towards the end. You’re going from smaller bits up to bigger bits. It really depends on the tradition. We talked about lumpers and splitters before. If you like to split things down, a grammar is great because you can have so many sub-headings. I remember reading the rules for one set of grammars where it was like, “Please do not go beyond five layers of headings,” and I was like, “That’s actually quite a challenge.”

Gretchen: Because you have your chapter level headings, and then you’re like, “Oh, okay, if this chapter’s about verbs, you’ve got this type of verbs and those type of verbs – within the transitive verbs, you’ve got this type of verbs and those type of verbs,” and so on and so forth.

Lauren: Then you’ve got the irregularities. They might need their own subset. You can go from – the table of contents, you can get this big picture and then go down and down and down into the different sections. The grammar that I wrote of Lamjung Yolmo was a sketch grammar, so it’s only a couple of hundred pages. It makes sure to knock over – it would be very weird to have nothing about nouns in a language that very obviously has nouns – but it doesn’t go into the deep level of detail on some things that a longer grammar gets to. There’s always more to be done as well.

Gretchen: Any grammar is gonna be incomplete – even these massive doorstop-sized grammars. You’re gonna leave some stuff out where you’re a speaker and you’re like, “I know this,” but you don’t necessarily include it in a grammar. I’ve also read, in grad school – I don’t remember what language it was of – but I picked up this grammar that was written in, like, I wanna say maybe the 70s or 80s. There was clearly some sort of fad for doing this very abstract schematic thing of sentences or verbs or something. It didn’t have any complete sentences or complete verbs just written there. It drew them all on this diagram that I have never encountered before or since where everything was piece-able together. I was like, “Oh, wow. You’re participating in some sort of grammatical tradition that I’m just not aware of here.”

Lauren: I mean, I think the important thing is that grammars are written by humans, and humans are trained by other humans within particular traditions. I remember when I was building my sketch grammar, it was while I was also working on my thesis because I was looking specifically at evidentials, but you can’t know what’s happening with evidentiality without understanding how verbs work and how verbs relate to other parts of the sentence. And then I realised I was accidentally on my way to writing out the bones of the grammar of Lamjung Yolmo.

Gretchen: Sometimes you just accidentally write a grammar.

Lauren: That is how I accidentally started and very deliberately finished writing that sketch grammar. But I remember talking to my supervisors. One of them found it quite unusual that I wanted to include the methodology in my grammar. I wanted to explain specifically who I’d worked with, what I’d recorded, what kinds of elicitation I’d used. That wasn’t in that supervisor’s grammar tradition, but it was something I wanted to include.

Gretchen: A lot of grammars aren’t gonna include the gestures of the language or something, which I know is one of your things that you enjoy.

Lauren: Yes. There are traditions that do focus more on narrative structure, and you might find more about the structure of narratives in a grammar, and others that focus more on verb structure. There’s a very brief few pages on phonetics and then a really massive chapter on verbs. It’s sometimes because the language has lots of really fun, complex things happening with the verbs, but sometimes it’s just because that’s what that person was interested in.

Gretchen: This person was a verb fan.

Lauren: Yeah.

Gretchen: Some parts, you know, it’d be pretty hard to do a grammar without doing some level of phonology at the beginning. But, yeah, what level of pragmatic stuff at the end, discourse stuff, or like, “How do people of this language talk to children?” or something like that – that might not be in a grammar.

Lauren: I’m doing a paper with a colleague on onomatopoeia at the moment. Some grammars will have a separate section on that. Because it’s not as central to every single sentence as, say, nouns and verbs can be for a lot of languages, it doesn’t tend to crop up as its own specific subsection in a lot of grammars.

Gretchen: Which doesn’t necessarily mean that language doesn’t have onomatopoeia. It’s just that it didn’t get the focused attention that got put there.

Lauren: This is always the question that you have while reading a grammar, right. It’s about what makes it in, but it’s also what doesn’t. Sometimes things don’t make it in because of trends or because of what people are focusing on or sometimes just because they’re important but incredibly low-frequency things that happen. Or if someone is doing fieldwork, and they come into a community as a man, they might spend a lot of time around other men and recording a particular variety. That’s where the methodology was really important for me to make clear why I was making choices. Also, the title of a grammar – I find it really interesting whether people say, “The Grammar of” or “A Grammar of.” I, very consciously, called it, “A Grammar” or “A Sketch Grammar of Lamjung Yolmo” because this is just my analysis and my take. Other people might come to exactly the same data with different conclusions. Or they might be way more into adjectives than I am, and that section is way more fleshed out in someone else’s analysis.

Gretchen: That’s an interesting side effect, as you were saying about, okay, well, if we wanna look at onomatopoeia in a bunch of languages, or if you wanna look at any sort of thing whether it’s verbs or sounds or handshapes or something in a bunch of different languages, okay, how can – if you’re making those beautiful graphs like are in the WALS database, which we’ve mentioned before, or if you’re gonna write a Wikipedia article about like, “Here’s how this language works,” or “Here’s how this phenomenon works,” the grammars turn into this input material of what gets cited there.

Lauren: Those big overviews are often built up from these grammars of different languages. That’s where having structures that are easy for people to access in the table of contents becomes really easy because, just as a human writing the grammar, there’s another human reading that grammar to put into those databases.

Gretchen: Dictionaries are often a very collaborative project where you have a bunch of people contributing words or contributing entries. You can say, “Okay, you need to take care of the letter P and see what’s going on here.” But a grammar is often written by one person, and so it reflects that one person.

Lauren: Almost, like the very overwhelming majority of the time, it’s people who aren’t members of that community. It’s a linguist who’s trained as a linguist and then come into this community and often built incredibly long-term, deep relationships with those communities and speak the language but not always. I know I’m kind of – it’s very easy to over-problematise something you do and spend a lot of time thinking about but, again, it’s worth remembering while reading a grammar.

Gretchen: Right. And what types of things you think are interesting, what types of things you think are novel or worth drawing attention to, or what types of things you think are common is a function of what you’ve been exposed to from a grammatical tradition. I’ve been thinking a lot about this question of “What do we put in a grammar” and “How is a grammar constructed by the societal context in which it’s written” because I’ve been reading this book called, Grammar West to East, by Edward McDonald. The subtitle is “The Investigation of Linguistic Meaning in European and Chinese Traditions.”

Lauren: Cool.

Gretchen: I will say, at the beginning, this is an academic book. It is a monograph. If you don’t have a background in linguistics, you’ll find it fairly dense going, potentially. But, as someone who does, it’s really interesting.

Lauren: Awesome! Pick out the anecdotes for us.

Gretchen: One of the first observations that it makes – and, when you think about this, it’s totally true – is that – so the European grammatical tradition is based on Latin and Greek. Latin and Greek are languages where you do a lot of changing the endings on words – sometimes the prefixes, but often the endings – on words to make them do grammatical things. The European grammatical tradition is a lot about making tables of all of the different ways that a word can inflect and being like, “Well, it does this and it does this,” and giving names to the different sorts of groupings and patterns that you find out of that.

Lauren: Which is great, but doing those things, it makes it a little bit confusing sometimes when you apply it to a language like English that doesn’t have the same ending changes, but we give them the same labels. That’s because the analysis of English is very much in that Latin tradition.

Gretchen: It’s inherited from the Latin tradition. There’s a pedagogical motivation for some of this because Latin and Greek were not just the languages that started out analysing themselves, although they were that as well, but they were also considered prestigious languages that you needed to learn. So, a lot of the grammatical analysis of Greek and especially Latin were in terms of how to teach them to speakers of other European languages. And it’s like, “Here’s a bunch of endings, and you need to learn them, and you need to learn what they correspond to and what their function is.”

Lauren: Right.

Gretchen: What’s interesting is that the grammar of Chinese is different from that. They don’t do endings. What they do instead is you have things that have a grammatical function, but they’re considered to have the same status as full words. And so, the Chinese grammatical tradition is concerned with looking at those particles that have grammatical functions but are hard to write definitions of and cataloguing them and figuring out what’s going on with them and grouping them into groups. There are some words in the European tradition that are invariant – they’re often all lumped together in “adjectives” – words like “often,” or “always,” or something like that, which are – they just look like that all the time. They don’t have endings like the verbs and the nouns do. The Latin tradition grammarians didn’t care about those words, and they were really into the endings. The Chinese grammarians were really interested in, first of all, this fundamental duality between words that had a meaning to them, had what they called, “full words,” and words that were only for their grammatical function, what they called, “empty words.”

Lauren: That is a great metaphor. I like it.

Gretchen: Also, because culturally they were really interested in dualities, you know, the sun and the moon, and the full words and the empty words, and having a nice, mirrored duality was really appealing to them for aesthetic reasons in the same way that the European grammatical tradition is often descended from the rhetorical tradition because they were really interested in the aesthetics of rhetoric when it came to doing that sort of analysis. What your culture’s into aesthetically brings forth, okay, what are we trying to explain this. So, both of these are sort of ancient history, you know. Around 2,000 years ago they were the beginnings of this doing their own analysis grammatical traditions. You get this really interesting descriptive grammar that was published in 1898 by China’s first grammarian, Ma Jianzhong, called, Mr Ma’s Compleat Grammar, which I think is great.

Lauren: That is an excellent late-1800s name of a book.

Gretchen: It is exactly of a particular era. It’s “compleat,” E-A-T, not E-T-E, which is just –

Lauren: Perfect.

Gretchen: He was a native speaker of Chinese who had also been educated by Jesuits in French, and so he had exposure to both the French and the Chinese grammatical traditions. He writes this grammar where he distinguishes between full and empty words the way that the Chinese had – introduced these particles to be these “empty words” – but he also further subdivides the full words into the lexical categories that Europeans had been doing, which are verbs and nouns and so on. This distinction between verbs and nouns and so on was really important to the Europeans because verbs and nouns have different types of endings. You know whether something’s a verb or a noun because the endings are all different because this is a really endings-based grammatical system. The modern linguistic conception of how languages and their structures work is, to a certain extent, a hybrid of that because these full and empty grammatical categories is now reflected in what linguists call, “content words” and “function words.”

Lauren: Yes.

Gretchen: You have words like, “dog,” and “cat,” and “run,” and “see,” and stuff like that where you can actually write a definition, and then you have your grammatical words like “of,” and “is,” and “to,” and stuff, which just have this grammatical function. So, this category that’s still really relevant in modern linguistics is there in one country’s grammatical tradition, but also modern linguistics does also still talk about “nouns” and “verbs.”

Lauren: Absolutely.

Gretchen: The history of the contact between these two grammatical traditions and how they figured out how to adapt things to each other is an interesting way of looking at what is it that we think of as important when we’re trying to write a grammar of a particular language or we’re trying to do grammar. A lot of ancient grammar traditions were really concerned with describing one very prestigious, golden-age language – or one or two – you’ve gotta write your grammar of Latin or of Greek or of Old Chinese because that’s the one everyone thinks is fancy. And the local vernacular that ordinary peoples talk, like, no, no one’s gonna write a grammar of that. It’s a very interesting way of thinking about, okay, what were people concerned about and how did those interests derive from the structure of the language or languages that they were familiar with.

Lauren: This book sounds so great, but I wonder if actually the title of it should be, ���Grammars from East to West,” because if we look where our modern tradition of writing grammars in Europe is, it’s very much motivated by those Latin grammars and grammarians of old, but it’s also very influenced by Paṇini and the Sanskrit grammarian tradition that is two-and-a-half, three thousand years old as well.

Gretchen: One of the things that I was thinking about reading this, being like, “Wow!” – I knew some of the stuff about the European tradition, not all of it, but I didn’t know most of the stuff about ancient China – thinking, “I know that there was a really interesting grammatical tradition going on in India, like, right between these two major geographical regions.” There’s a bunch of stuff going on in Arabic as well, at a slightly later time. Can I have a book that writes about all four of these, please, in comparison to each other?

Lauren: Yeah. I know very little about the Arabic tradition. Most linguists at least know the name “Paṇini” That first N has a little dot under it in English, so it has a kind of palatalised vibe, but it also means his name is great. I know more than one university that has the “Paṇini Café and Sandwich Shop” because that’s a great multilingual pun to use.

Gretchen: Who can resist a pun? I learned a bit about the Arabic grammatical tradition when I was taking a bit of Arabic in undergrad. There are a whole bunch of things that that grammatical tradition does also in the tradition of “We’re going to look at our language and catalogue it in exhaustive detail and figure out exactly what’s going on in it.” One of the things that I remember was that there’s an exhaustive catalysation of what they call the “binyan,” which are the templates that you can slot your three-consonant roots into, and how you put the vowels in between them that mean all of these different things.

Lauren: Because Arabic is very interested in what happens in shifting the vowels of the language rather than what happens at the end of a word like the Latin tradition.

Gretchen: It’s very relevant in Arabic all of the different things you can do with the vowels in between them and whether, maybe, you double a consonant in a particular context or you put this vowel here or that vowel there. The classic tri-consonantal root that everybody cites is K-T-B, /k/-/t/-/b/, which has to do with books and writing. “Kitab” is “a book,” and “kutub” is “books,” and “maktab is “office,” and “kataba” is “He writes.” You can do all sorts of things with those three consonants and how you arrange the vowels between them. There’s an abstract way of representing “Here’s what the patterns are” with a template verb that you can show all the patterns with and going through and exhaustively cataloguing the patterns. This is the exciting thing to do if you’re an ancient Arabic grammarian. I’m excited by just thinking about it. But that’s very much influenced by the structure of the language. I don’t know as much about what Paṇini was doing except for the fact that he gets cited in a lot of Intro Linguistics classes as the first grammarian.

Lauren: Part of why he gets cited a lot is because he’s excellent. I’ll talk about that. I think part of why as well is that Paṇini synthesized and brought together everything that had been happening in the Sanskrit grammar tradition. Sanskrit is kind of like the Indian linguistic area equivalent of Latin, which is that it was the language of sacred texts and religion. It’s a language that is still handed down. People still learn Sanskrit in the way they learn Latin. But in that area, languages like Hindi and Nepali, the Indo-Aryan languages, are all later siblings and children of Sanskrit. It’s a very convenient analogy to Latin to draw with Sanskrit. I think, also, the motivation for thinking a lot about the language came from a theological attempt within Hinduism to understand truth through language and understand how language works. It was one of the core areas of study within the larger religious tradition. So, that was the motivation. But Paṇini – we know his name. We know not too much else about him except that he wrote at least two-and-a-half thousand years ago. He synthesized this work, and he name drops ten other people whose work he draws on. We’ve lost the record of all of their work. I think he’s excellent. That’s not in dispute. But it’s also just a convenient prominence he receives through being the kind of earliest record we have when the work was going on for thousands of years behand.

Gretchen: The person whose manuscript survives with his name attached to it.

Lauren: Absolutely. A very convenient way to appear to be very excellent is just to have none of the foundational work you draw on exist still.

Gretchen: No. This is like the Library of Alexandria all over again.

Lauren: What made Paṇini’s approach really distinct – and distinct from what was happening with those learner-driven motivations for analysing Latin – is that there was a logical progress to how he set out his description of Sanskrit. Similar to what we talked about with modern grammars where you start with the base elements of the sound system and then build up to words and parts of words. If something goes on a word after another bit, so you’ll describe the earlier bits first and build outwards. It’s this logical order and progression.

Gretchen: In a very real sense, the order that Paṇini devised over 2,500 years ago is reflected in the order of the grammar that you wrote a few years ago?

Lauren: It’s absolutely not an accident. The early 20th Century linguists like Saussure, Franz Bopp, where directly reading Paṇini and going, “This guy was doing this stuff thousands of years before we started thinking about it” and were directly influenced by Paṇini’s approach to thinking about how the language worked and thinking about it very descriptively. This is why he’s known as the first grammarian within even the Western tradition because he was like, “Look, there’s these words and they have these histories, but actually, the important thing is that we think about how the words are being used by people now.” The funny thing is he wrote that about what we now think of as Classic Sanskrit. People have not moved on from thinking about Classical Sanskrit in that way, and it’s become a learning tool, but –

Gretchen: We should all just be speaking Classical Sanskrit.

Lauren: The motivation is exactly the same motivation we use in a descriptive grammar now. It’s not about setting out the rules of a language and how it has to work, it reflects how a linguist has analysed that people are using that system.

Gretchen: I think that’s one of the things that comes up when we talk about a grammar is, particularly because grammar in the Western tradition is associated with Latin, and, okay, you’re learning about the grammar of English only so that you can translation Latin into English better rather than learning about the grammar of English as an object of its own study. This translates into, “Okay, well, what if we made the grammar of English more like Latin because that would obviously be better.” That’s where this secondary meaning of “grammar” as, you know, “Thou shalt not split an infinitive,” does – because in Latin an infinitive is all just one word. You can’t split it. It’s just one word.

Lauren: You can’t split it.

Gretchen: This idea that grammar is a tool to beat people over the head with comes from this, “Well, you’ve got to learn this language in school because this is how you’re gonna access all these classical texts that you are supposed to access, and you need to do it a certain way because it’s dead now, and it’s not evolving, and so you’re just learning to do this very particular thing,” that’s where this additional connotation of grammar as a stick to beat people over the head with comes in.

Lauren: That’s that very Latin tradition that we still have.

Gretchen: And it’s not only English that had a grammar as a tool to stay in touch with a lost golden age. This is also what they were doing in ancient Chinese of like, here’s this older thing. One of the other interesting things that I learned about the Chinese grammatical tradition, in particular with the writing system – because the writing system in Chinese can obscure different pronunciations – you could have a poem that you could still read in the written sense that’s very old but, for a modern reader, it doesn’t necessarily rhyme. At a certain point, when they were doing more historical linguistics, they realised, “Oh, this poem actually rhymed back in the day.” The pronunciation has changed so much that we weren’t really thinking about it because the characters look the same, but it actually used to rhyme, which sometimes shows up when you’re reading Shakespeare or something, and it’s got “thrown” and “drown” or something. Like, “Wait, those probably were supposed to rhyme based on where they are in this poem.” You can use that to reconstruct what was going on.

Lauren: It can feel a bit anxiety-provoking about committing an analysis to paper because you are pinning a butterfly for a moment in time. People are still speaking the language, and it moves on. As long as you don’t think of the descriptive grammar as anything more canonical and authoritative than people’s actual intuitions, that’s an important thing to remember. Especially if you’re working with a grammar that’s more than a few generations old, it may be that the person didn’t quite capture what people were doing. It may be that the language has changed again.

Gretchen: Another thing that I found really interesting about “What are the ideas that people were thinking about at the time” – so this is from Grammar West to East again. The author points out that when Chinese characters first became known in Europe, it was late 16th Century and, in Europe, for unrelated reasons, the idea of a universal language was the hot philosophical topic. You had people like John Wilkins, who ultimately created Roget’s Thesaurus, but he was really just trying to make a universal taxonomy for understanding the world, he ended up making quite a nice thesaurus but not with making a universal way of understanding the world. What was actually going on in China at the time was that Classical Chinese was a scholarly and diplomatic lingua franca of the East Asian region. It was acquired as a learned language in the different parts of those regions. The Chinese words were given a local pronunciation. So, children in different parts of China would learn to read using a literary register of the local dialect, and there wasn’t the idea of a standard spoken language for the whole country. That’s a modern innovation. This is a situation that was a lot like Latin in Europe at the time. But Europe, you know, “Oh, you learn Latin in school so that you can do the literary thing.” But European scholars misunderstood the situation and thought that this meant that Chinese characters were interpretable by speakers of any language without them being based on one language, even though they were very much based on an ancestral language of the region.

Lauren: Oh dear. And their obsession with universality that they came to this very functional but still based on a language thing. Oh dear. I see exactly where this is going. That’s not good.

Gretchen: Also, they did the same thing with the Egyptian hieroglyphs, which had not yet been deciphered yet. They were like, “Guys, we found it! We found the universal language of ideas, and it’s not tied to a particular language!”

Lauren: Not translated adds an extra air of mystery.

Gretchen: European scholars thought this was great. Francis Bacon thought this was amazing. It’s interesting to see not just, okay, here’s this thing that was going on in China at the time, which is interesting, but also, here’s how these things get reflected and refracted, whether that’s the Europeans approaching Chinese grammar as maybe this is a thing that’s universal or this Chinese grammarian, Mr Ma, looking at it and saying, “Okay, how can I merge these two grammatical traditions of the full words versus the empty words?”, and then also “What if I have nouns and adjectives and stuff?”, and “How could I group them in ways that make sense for the grammar of the language?” Everyone’s bringing their own preconceived notions to this space.

Lauren: I think the descriptive grammar has really figured itself out as a genre in the 20th Century. A lot of the discussion around how to make sure people aren’t just bringing themselves to it has been to widen the scope of what gets included. One really big influence has been the idea that you need to have the grammar, but it has to be presented alongside the wordlists because the grammar just tells you the rules not which words go in which places and also a collection of texts that are broken down and translated so that people can access what’s happening in narratives. That solves a little bit of that what gets included problem.

Gretchen: Because somebody could always go back and look at the text again and say, “Well, what if I interpreted them differently or wrote this grammar differently based on what I can see here in this longer thing?”

Lauren: Yeah. “The author didn’t get around to a section on the use of particles in narratives, but there’s enough texts here I can see what’s happening.” This little trio of publications is sometimes known as the “Boasian trinity,” which sounds a little bit more pompous and religious than it actually is, but it’s part of this expanding what gets included.

Gretchen: This is after Boas, whose first name I have forgotten.

Lauren: Franz Boas.

Gretchen: Franz? Franz Boas. He was one of the early grammarians in this descriptive and comparative tradition where it’s not just, okay, every intellectual in this one country or this one society is devoting themselves to this one language but, “Oh, what if we looked at lots of languages? What if we compared them?” This goes along with the colonial project of like, “What if we went and conquered some people?”

Lauren: Yes, there’s a lot of scientific rationalism happening here.

Gretchen: This is not entirely unproblematic either. It is interesting how the forms of the grammars start shifting when it stops being this sort of seeking this one language of like, “Oh, everything descends from Greek” or “Everything descends from Sanskrit.” Even the Europeans, at a certain point, when they encountered Sanskrit, were like, “Oh, everything must descend from Sanskrit,” and said, “Okay, well, what if we realised that we can’t actually know what the first language was? This is lost in the midst of time,” and figured out “What can we know about relationships and what is the possibility space for what are different things that languages do?”

Lauren: I mean, I think it’s also worth pointing out a lot of 20th Century language description has happened to try and translate religious texts and political documents and that is a subset of problematic colonisation within the grammatical tradition.

Gretchen: The longest text that’s been written down in a lot of languages is the Bible, which has all sorts of really weird consequences when you start using those parallel texts as the input for something like machine translation because you can have machine translation systems start spitting out things that sound like religious prophecies because they’re just regurgitation versions of that Bible input, which is pretty weird.

Lauren: Such a weird consequence of a weird set of earlier decisions.

Gretchen: Exactly. Here was this earlier decision that maybe this was even a religious text that was created 100 years ago by some missionary, but it’s the longest text that’s available in this language, and the grammar is more or less accurate – and yet. It wasn’t trying to record the stories and the oral histories of the people who actually spoke that language that they cared about themselves, it was trying to introduce this foreign religion to them.

Lauren: Again, it’s one of those things that is hard to avoid and so it’s just important to be aware of when you’re looking at some grammars. They may have a lot of Christian religious texts. It doesn’t necessarily reflect the religion of the speakers so much as the religion of the person doing the documentation.

Gretchen: Going back to that theme of grammars that are made by people and sometimes people’s agendas for making a grammar is –

Lauren: A different endpoint.

Gretchen: It’s less about like, “Oh, I want to help this language be taught in schools and support its speakers in their own goals” and more “I wanna impose my goals on the speakers.”

Lauren: I think another important change that has happened across the 20th Century in terms of grammars is the increasing availability of recording equipment and, therefore, the ability to make recordings of the language as a fourth part of that three-part collection of what’s important when documenting a language.

Gretchen: There are some really interesting ancient recording technologies like the wax cylinders that were used –

Lauren: You say, “ancient,” but you mean, like, 150 years ago.

Gretchen: Yeah, not ancient compared to Paṇini.

Lauren: Not Paṇini ancient, just, it’s really that the story of the 20th Century descriptive tradition is the story of embracing these recording methods.

Gretchen: There was a really cool thing where they had these old, cracked wax cylinders, I think it was in the Smithsonian, and they couldn’t put them on a machine to read them because, obviously, the needle would stumble over the cracks. It’s kind of like a record.

Lauren: They just fall apart.

Gretchen: Picture it as a tall record with all the lines tall rather than a flat record. But it was cracked, so they couldn’t put it in the thing, and they eventually figured out a way with lasers to read the recordings. I got to hear, you know, here’s a song in this language that hasn’t been heard for 100 years because the cylinder cracked. If it’s online, I’ll try to find a link to it.

Lauren: With recording technology, early on, and even for some linguists, it’s mostly about doing recordings so you can go back and listen yourself and really identify that you’re correctly analysing structures. But I think the more exciting thing is that it lets you really observe more people using language in more natural ways. The “Can you say this?”, “Can you say that?”, “Does that sound grammatical?” way of eliciting stuff can lead to an unusual way of approaching the language, but really drawing on people singing songs and telling stories not only makes for a richer, more realistic grammatical description that allows you to see those fuzzier, more complicated bits of language, but it also means that you can make those recordings available for speakers who are interested in going back to an oral history of the language for people who might come in the future and go, “Ah, you didn’t look at the way people’s prosody goes up and down and their intonation changes in stories. I’m gonna look at that, and I have access to these recordings.” I think this is where grammars are more exciting as we integrate more of that richness of actual language and bringing the people who speak the language back into real prominence within the grammar document.

Gretchen: Yeah. Because there is a certain way of writing a grammar which is very old which just assumes that whatever bits you have about “Here’s how this language works,” that information just exists at this abstract level, and it’s not necessarily tied to particular speakers or particular communities, and saying, “Oh, it would be good to give credit to the speakers who were saying this, or to identify this is a particular way that a language is spoken in a particular region,” or “Here’s something that’s going on here.” There have been some initiatives to do things like pair people who are trying to revitalise their languages with linguists to try to understand what’s going on in some of these older grammars because they can be hard to decipher without the special training. The one that I’m familiar with is Breath of Life.

Lauren: There are the Paper and Talk Workshops in Australia as well where you’re coming full circle and making sure that you give people the tools that they need to access the materials about their own language because you can make grammars for many reasons, and we’ve discussed some of them but, at the end of the day, the most important reason to me is that speakers of a language can access the materials that were created for that language.

Gretchen: I think when we look at the multi-thousand-year-old history of making grammars and the very different sorts of questions that people had about language thousands of years ago, I find it very humbling because we can think about what are the questions that people might be asking in another thousand years, and how can we make things that would help with that?

[Music]

Lauren: For more Lingthusiasm and links to all the things mentioned in this episode, go to lingthusiasm.com. You can listen to us on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Spotify, SoundCloud, YouTube, or wherever else you get your podcasts. You can follow @Lingthusiasm on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and Tumblr. You can get IPA scarves, schwa pins, and other Lingthusiasm merch at lingthusiasm.com/merch. I tweet and blog as Superlinguo.

Gretchen: I can be found at @GretchenAMcC on Twitter, my blog is AllThingsLinguistic.com, and my book about internet language is called Because Internet. Have you listened to all the Lingthusiasm episodes and you wish there were more? You can get access to 49 bonus episodes to listen to right now at patreon.com/lingthusiasm or follow the links from our website. Patrons also get access to our Discord chatroom to talk with other linguistics fans and other rewards, as well as helping keep the show ad-free. Recent bonus topics include reduplication, Q&A with a lexicographer, and a Q&A with the two of us in honour of our 100th episode. Can’t afford to pledge? That’s okay, too. We also really appreciate it if you can recommend Lingthusiasm to anyone who needs a little more linguistics in their life.

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[Music]

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#language #linguistics #lingthusiasm #transcripts #episode 54 #podcasts #grammar

[a-dragons-journal]

my friend made a carrd on kin terms and wants to make sure terms are correct as they aren't that interactive with the community yet being in it for years, the url is kinform. carrd. co ( I am not sure if links work )

- and in case my tumblr messes up again I wanna stay anon

A’ight, let’s go through this!

First off, I want to say: I really appreciate the effort your friend is putting into this, including going to the effort to have other people check their work! It’s a well-organized carrd, and I appreciate that they included a lot of less well-known labels! That being said, there’s definitely quite a bit of misinformation here - which is totally understandable, the misinformation has spread unfortunately far at this point. But hey, that’s why I’m here!

Incorrect info:

- “alterhuman: a general term for anyone who identifies as non-human, whether it be 'kin or 'link” (on Terms) “Alterhuman” is a much broader term than that - “Having an identity that is alternative to the common societal idea of 'human'; a person who identifies as such.” It covers anyone who has an alternative experience to humanity, or who experiences humanity in an alternative way from “normal”. It’s intentionally an extremely vague and broad term - it covers ‘kin, ‘links, ‘heartedness/kith/synpaths, plurality, daemonism, furry lifestylers, real vampires, endels, probably voidpunk, etc.

(There’s a whole conversation to be had here about how the alterhuman community was supposed to get away from centralizing the otherkin narrative but somehow ended up with that being a huge problem anyway, with it often feeling like it’s about nonhuman identity even though it’s not - but that’s a pretty long conversation, so we won’t go there xD)

- “astral limbs: the sensation of a body part that is not there in real life ; not to be confused with phantom limbs which is used by amputees” (on Terms) Astral limbs =/= supernumerary phantom limbs =/= phantom limb syndrome. What you’re defining is supernumerary phantom limbs, not astral limbs/shifts - astral limbs/shifts are where your astral body changes to match that of your kintype, which a) doesn’t always coincide with phantom shifts, and b) requires belief in astral bodies/the astral plane in the first place, which many ‘kin don’t hold.

Supernumerary phantom limbs is the sensation of having a body part that is not and never has been physically present, as opposed to phantom limb syndrome which is referring to limbs that have been amputated. It’s not “appropriating” language from amputees or anything like that like some people have tried to claim - supernumerary phantom limbs is a medical term. Astral limbs isn’t an accurate, adequate, or necessary replacement.

- copingkin: identifying with or as anything under fictionkin or otherkin for comfort and/or coping ; also referred to as comfortkin ~ also see copinglink (from Kin) I would strongly suggest removing this; it’s not an accepted term and pretty much never has been as far as I’m aware. You’re either copinglink, someone who chose their identity for coping purposes, or otherkin who happens to have a psychological explanation, if your identity came about as an unconscious/involuntary coping mechanism.

- fictionkin: identifying with or as a fictional character or race. (from Kin) Remove “with or”; it’s identify-as. If you don’t identify as them, you’re not ‘kin. Identifying strongly with, but not as, is ‘heartedness, not ‘kin. I would also suggest swapping “race” for “species,” if that’s what you meant, since that’s a pretty loaded term out of context.

- otherkin: identifying with or as non-animal/non-human and mythical creatures ; some have their own label such as songkin. (from Kin) Remove “with or”; it’s identify-as, as above^.

- kin is often involuntarily & spiritual, if you consider yourself kin but don't do these, see hearted or synpath (from Kin) ‘Kin is involuntary, full stop, but it’s not necessarily spiritual. Nor is the distinction between ‘kin and ‘heartedness/synpaths the voluntary/involuntary aspect; it’s that ‘kin is identify-as and ‘heartedness/synpath isn’t.

- aeslink relating to anything for aesthetic reasons ~ "i am angel & palace aeslink" copinglink strongly relating with a fictional character for comfort and/or coping. (from Other) ‘Links are voluntarily choosing to cultivate an identity as something else - character, species, or otherwise. It’s still identify-as, not “relating to,” it’s just voluntary where otherkinity is involuntary. It’s not any less serious or any less identify-as. 'Linking or otherlinking is defined as “voluntarily choosing to identify as nonhuman/a fictional character or species”.

- synpaths: strongly relating to a fictional character or race that you see a lot of yourself in, but not as strong as kin. (from Other) Remove “not as strong as ‘kin”; ‘kin isn’t “relating to” something in the first place, it’s identifying as that thing. I would also suggest swapping “race” for “species,” if that’s what you meant, since that’s a pretty loaded term out of context.

- therian: identifying with or as an animal or other living thing. (from Other) Remove “with or”; it’s identify-as, as with fictionkin and otherkin.

Suggested edits:

Things that aren’t necessarily wrong, but which I would suggest edits to anyway for clarity/accuracy.

- awakening: the moment one realizes they identify as a kintype/theriantype (from Terms) I would posit that an awakening isn’t necessarily a single moment in time; much more often it’s an extended process that can take weeks, months, or even years. There’s some overlap between “awakening” and “questioning” that way, imo.

- They also said “theriantype” multiple times where it should be “theriotype,” but that’s more of a typo thing than a content error.

- otherkin: identifying with or as non-animal/non-human and mythical creatures ; some have their own label such as songkin. (from Kin) Songkin is probably not a great example if this is intended for outsiders who are new to the terminology, since conceptkin is kind of hard to explain to begin with, but that’s my personal opinion.

- Cladotherian, therian, theriomythic, and phytanthrope should all be on the ‘Kin page, as they all technically fall under ‘kin.

-  identity/ID, kinnie & kinning won't be added as they are terms created by the more newer kin community and aren't recognized/accepted terms for older kin, though some older kin may be okay with these terms. (from Terms) Personally, I don’t like calling them “the newer kin community” - the “kin for fun” people aren’t ‘kin, they’re misusing our language, that’s the entire point. “The “kin-for-fun” community” or just “terms being warped as part of misinformation” would probably be more accurate.

- Synpath can probably be included on the ‘hearted page, since synpath, kith, and otherhearted are basically all synonymous.

Suggested additions:

- A resources list may be worthwhile! Things like personal websites and perhaps a few trustworthy blogs/posts could be worth adding to that list (I have a kin resources tag here that may be useful to them if they want to do that!) This gives people a place to go if they want to learn more.

- The term otherlinker is probably a good one to add, given that copinglinker and a specific type of ‘link (aeslink) are both present but the larger umbrella term presently isn’t.

Out of curiosity:

not edits at all, I’m just curious, ha

- kintrope: a trait found in most of ones kintypes. (from Terms) I’m really curious where they found this term, it’s not one I’ve heard before!

I think that’s about all I can find - like I said, I really appreciate the effort being put into this carrd! There’s a lot of good terms on here, just some definition fixes that need to be made - it’s well-organized and very aesthetically pleasing, which is more than I can honestly say for a lot of carrds xD

Hopefully that’s all clear enough to be helpful - I’m more than happy to chat further about this or provide clearer definitions/suggested resources, if your friend wants! :3

#oh this def should've gone under a cut shouldn't it #oh well too late now it doesn't work very well in edits #asked and answered #anonymous #rani talks #side note if anyone is thinking about being mean to anon or carrd maker on this post: don't #they're clearly putting in a lot of effort and i appreciate that #i know this got kind of long with all the corrections and edit suggestions but y'all gremlins behave #we ain't jumpin people for making mistakes a'ight? we don't do that in this house

[amazinggirl55]

Shadowhunters Fanfic Inspired Idea

I read this amazing AU fanfic on AO3 and I can't really remember the name, but it inspired a really cool idea that I really really wanna read or discuss with someone. So basically, in the fic Magnus and Alec were enemies, but Alec needed Magnus' help to save Max's life, and surrendered his life in exchange for that help. Magnus was like "ok cool, I'll help" but his motivations are unclear because the fic is uncompleted, so I thought "what if it was canon Malec and that's why Magnus wants to help?" The rest of this post outlines how this would happen and anything that seems familiar is taken from that fic. I'd like to reiterate that I'm not taking credit for the fic or any of the ideas that it inspired, merely explaining it.

So, imagine that Canon Magnus (who's been married to Alec for years) was transported to an AU where he's the leader of a downworld resistance and he has no idea where his husband is, until Alec walks in a club full of his enemies (Pandemonium), kneels at Magnus' feet and begs him for help. Obviously Magnus is like "oh shit, Alec needs help, I have to help him." But he can't just agree at the drop of a hat because they're surrounded by downworlders that want to tear Alec apart just because he's a Shadowhunter. And Magnus wants to be like "screw it, I'll help him anyways" but he doesn't think that him getting killed with Alec would help anyone, so he continues to play the part of "cold and calculating leader".

Then he asks Alec what he can offer and Alec says something along the lines of "virgin Shadowhunter energy" but in a different way, if you catch my drift (this happened in the fic too). Now, everyone in the room is uncomfortable with the implications of that offer, but Magnus pretends to think it over and agrees just so that he can leave the room and talk to Alec alone.

So he portals himself and Alec out and sees Max dying and he immediately sheds his "dark and brooding exterior" to comfort Max as he heals him. And now he's saying things like "shh, it'll be okay. You'll be okay. Nothing is going to hurt you while I'm here" And Alec, Izzy and Jace are like "wtf, isn't he the most powerful warlock ever? Why's he being so nice?" But they don't say anything because they don't want to jinx it.

Soon enough, Magnus is done and he's exhausted, so he turns around and says "now I have a 12 hour appointment with my bed" which Alec interprets in the exact wrong way. He thinks that Magnus is referring to his payment, and he's terrified, but he's not going to go back on his word, so he just looks up at Magnus and nods, even though his expression is full of fear.

And Magnus suddenly realizes what that sounded like and is stumbling over himself to explain that he was only talking about sleep and has no intentions of bedding anyone, much less without consent. (And I just had the thought of "what if Alec was 16-17 and there's the added element of him being a child and ready to do anything for his family which breaks Magnus' heart even further" but that leads to a whole new plotline)

Now all four Lightwoods are confused because why would Magnus save his worst enemy's son for no payment? And maybe Magnus accidentally reveals that he's actually from another universe and then he's explaining that he's close with the Lightwoods. This leads to more confusion, so he just gives up on keeping his secrets and says "I'm going to my loft, I'll explain everything after 8 hours of sleep. You're all free to come and sleep in the guestrooms"

Then he opens a portal and collapses of exhaustion on the other side, so Alec picks him up and puts him to bed. They all sleep and in the morning Magnus explains the bare minimum of what happens in the canonverse and why he was so willing to help the Lightwoods. I'm imagining the conversation to go a bit like this:

"In my universe, the Clave has made peace with the Downworld. We're no longer at the brink of war. In fact, I've been the High Warlock of Alicante for many years and I work closely with Alexander, who has been the Consul for just as long. I was willing to help Max regardless of payment, but I didn't want the other Downworlders to know that I'm not the same Magnus that they know."

This makes little sense to the Lightwoods but they're all very adaptable people and are making plans to lead a revolution against the Clave not long after. The revolution goes smoothly and Magnus returns to his own universe and has a new story to add to his "you wouldn't believe the shit I've been through" collection of speeches that he makes whenever someone doubts his powers. And he has lots of romantic moments with his husband who has missed him very much.

Thinking about this whole scenario inspired a bunch of related ideas. Firstly, what if while this was happening, the original Magnus from that Universe woke up in bed with a Shadowhunter who is his sworn enemy? And now he has to navigate a reality where his worst enemies are no longer as prejudiced and he's now in a position of power and married to the highest authority figure in the Clave.

Secondly, what if both of them were switched? And the reason that Alec went to the club is to see if this Magnus recognized him as his husband or not? So their conversation is more of a subtle interrogation where both of them are trying to figure out what the other knows, without tipping off any of the nearby Downworlders. That's a conversation I'd love to read, but I don't think I'd be able to write adequately. But anyways, they eventually leave the club and start arguing in front of Alec's siblings and Jace and Izzy are terrified because Alec is mouthing off to the person who can kill all of them without a second thought. But it all turns out alright and Malec goes home with no problem.

#shadowhunters #fanfic #alexander lightwood #magnus bane #malec #alternative universe #Dimension Travel #this makes no sense #Very Long Rant

[ts-unpopular-opinions]

Side Tracks opinions part 1: Janus

(Yes I’m staring with Janus and going backwards, I just need to talk about this snake man right now!)

Alright, I’ve seen lots of people give their takes on each of the sides playlists, and honestly... I feel like they’re not all that similar to my interpretations. I mean yes anyone can interpret the songs how they’d like, but some people just flat out ignore canon to see the songs as their ship instead of what I believe they are actually meant to be seen as. Anyways... Janus! Yes let’s go through each song one by one 💛

1) Black Hole Sun: I’ll admit this one was hard for me. The song is obviously so Janus, with plenty of references to snakes and lying, but I can’t seem to put a finger on the exact meaning. If I had to guess, it’s showing Janus’ fist instance of fearing society. He’s realized that the world is not a safe place for Thomas and no one can be trusted (“Times are gone for honest men” “no one sings like you anymore”). He longs for the ignorance of childhood when society didn’t seem to pose a threat and Thomas wasn’t aware of the dangers and lies it held, but he knows that someone has to protect him from it, and that is Janus (“my youth I pray to keep” “hang my head, drown my fear”).

2) Seemed the Better Way: To me, this is a song about Janus knowing his place as a dark side and knowing that the others will not listen to him (“I better hold my tongue” “better take my place”). He initially trusts the core sides to do what needs to be done and take care of Thomas adequately, but when he realizes that it isnt enough, he finds it hard to keep in hiding (“Seemed the better way” “now it’s much too late to turn the other cheek”).

3) Anywhere: A BIG middle finger to society (“It’s a beautiful world, if youve been lied to” “No no no, nothing in this world is beautiful”). Janus basically trusts no one in society, not even the people closest to Thomas because he believes that everyone will do whatever it takes to get what they want (“Every man standing on another man’s back”). He also believes that society has been a huge detriment to Thomas and, AGAIN, is very dangerous (“It’s the world’s excuse for being disfigured and lying to you”).

4) Talking at the same time: This song is about Virgil. The song begins with explaining that a hard time for one person can be a triumph for another in multiple different metaphors (“Umbrellas cost more in the rain” “hard times for some, for others its sweet” “someone makes money when theres blood in the street”). The next part of the song practically shoves it in your face that it’s about virgil leaving (“Well she told me she would leave me, I ignored all the signs” “I know you're leaving and there's no more next time”). Janus was clearly hurt by Virgil leaving and it seems like he was almost in denial about it happening. A line near the end of the song that I found particularly interesting was “Well we bailed out all the millionaires, They've got the fruit, We've got the rind”. This line to me shows that Janus and the other dark sides let Virgil go, possibly in an attempt to get all of the dark sides accepted. Virgil capitalized on this opportunity and of course, got accepted, however, he left the others behind. Despite wanting Virgil to get accepted by the light sides, Janus remains bitter that Virgil was the only one. Virgil got the fruit, and the rest of the dark sides got the rind.

5) All the Good Girls go to Hell: Janus believes that Thomas needs to listen to him if he is going to stay safe and healthy. He thinks that his assistance, above all other sides, expecially Patton, is crucial for survival in this messed up world. (“And once the water starts to rise, And heaven's out of sight, She'll want the devil on her team” “Look at you needing me”). You’ll find it a common theme in this playlist that Janus refers to himself as the devil or an evil entity of some sort... Just thought I’d point that out.

6) Denial: Well, its in the title folks! Thomas is (or was) in denial. Janus is aware of the moments when Thomas thinks about consulting him or using one of his functions, but almost as soon as he gets the idea, he drops it and acts like the thought never happened (“Don't just shut your eyes closed” “You know that I can hear you thinking, I've heard you all the way from here, But if I look you in the eye though, It's like your thoughts all disappear”). Thomas is struggling for answers to questions that only Janus can answer, but he refuses to listen to consult him and Janus desperately wants this to stop (“I know you're looking for direction, I know where you wanna go” “Please don't turn the light out, I don't think the conversation's over”).

7) Trust in Me: Obviously, the original song has much more sinister undertones, but when listening to the song from Janus’ perspective, I get a different vibe. Basically, Janus just wants Thomas to trust him and give him more reign over decision making. Not much for this one.

8) Razzle Dazzle: JANUS IS EXTRA! Is anyone shocked? Also a HUGE showman. But again, no one’s surprised. Janus believes that the only way to get the light sides to listen to him is to practically put on a show to cover up whatever his true intentions are (“How can they see with sequins in their eyes?” “Razzle dazzle 'em And theyll never catch wise!” “How can they hear the truth above the roar?”) I could keep listing lines but theyre literally all just different versions of the same sentiment.

9) When the Chips are Down: The title right off the bat shows that, again, Janus believes that Thomas needs to look to him when important decisions are on the line. There are also a lump sum of jabs at patton in this song, lines like “Aim for the heart, shoot to kill” and “Cast your eyes to heaven, You get a knife in the back”. Theres also a lot of lines, yet again, of Janus practically begging Thomas to trust him and no one else (“Ain't nobody but yourself to trust” “Help yourself, To hell with the rest, Even the one who loves you best”).

10) Mandy goes to Med School: Soooo this one... Honestly, I don’t really have a lot. The original meaning of the song is not very applicable to Janus, so its a bit hard to pinpoint its meaning. The only thing I can think of is that Janus is again hating on society and the crazy things that people have to go through in it. If you weren’t aware, this song is about coat-hanger abortions.

11) I put a Spell on You: This one seems pretty striaghtforward to me. Janus knows that Thomas doesn’t want him, and it drives him up the wall, but he does what a snake boi does and slithers his way in anyways (“And I don't care if you don't want me, I'm yours right now” “I can't stand it 'cause you put me down”). I suppose you could argue that you could replace Thomas with Patton (mostly because daddy is used like 10 times in the song 😂) but a later song covers their realtionship extremely well.

12) Evil Night Together: Another toughie. My gut feeling is that this is a song about Remus and Janus just going out and having a wild night together. As I read into the lyrics more, though, it seems almost like Janus is doing this for Remus. Like he wants Remus to feel accepted and loved by him (something that can’t be said by Thomas). I just can’t read some of these lines without getting big Momceit vibes... i mean... theyre so supportive! “I'll hold your hand while they drag the river” “I'll cuddle you in the undertow” “I'll hold you close while they dust for prints”. Then theres of course this line... “Who's gonna make you a hero?” And to me, that is Janus saying that, if Thomas only sees Roman as his hero and not Remus, then it is Janus’ job to make Remus feel like a hero. Janus also saying “No need for cake or flowers” also feels like him reassuring Remus that he doesn’t need to be like his brother to be perfect and loved.

13) Don’t tell Mama: I think I’ve seen some people interpreting “mama” as Thomas in this song, but to me Patton seems like a better fit, especially after their interactions in the most recent episode. Basically this song is all about how Janus doesn’t mind people knowing about the bad things he does, but he can absolutely not have one person know. Janus seems to have grown a soft spot for Patton in the new episode and if you ask me, he would definately not want patton finding out about some of immoral things he’s wanted Thomas to do. I mean he literally waits for Patton to sink out and then the second he’s gone he starts scheming about pushing people down stairs and sabotage.

14) You’re a Cad: Another Virgil one, but this time it’s after Virgil’s acceptance. I think Janus has little faith in the beginning that Virgil would get far in his journey to the light side. Whether that is because of envy or just plain pessimism, I’m not sure, but he definately doubted Virgil would ever be able to escape his past (“So now you want the whole world to notice that you've come around, Now you expect, We'll see how you're really so much better now, But I know the truth” “What's the point pretending that you could be a better man, Just give in, since you always end up right back where you began”). Despite his reluctance to support Virgil’s endevors, Janus shows a softer side for Virgil that has gone completely untalked about in canon (“You're a rascal and a rogue, a villain and a crook, Still I tug at your line, I'm a fish on your hook” “Still I know the truth, but I have a sweet tooth for a Cad and a bounder, a dog and a cheap”). Janus really misses Virgil and I would go as far as to say that he regrets the things that he’s done to make Virgil want to leave (“I should be better, but I'm worse” “You're reckless with my heart, still I wait by the phone”).

15) As far as I can See: A sadie but a goodie. Janus doesn’t really understand love, but he’s sure that no one loves him (“As far as I can see Nobody loves me”). No one listens to him, no matter how much he shouts and cries. He doesn’t believe that anyone could love him if they are unwilling to hear him out and communicate with him (“As far as I can see, Nobody's listening” “And when I'm crying out, Nobody cries back for me”).

16) Criminal: AH MY FAVORITE SONG ON THE PLAYLIST! I LEGIT CRIED MY GUYS! Anyway. Janus LOVES Thomas. I would go as far to say that Janus loves Thomas more than any other side. Despite his lacking knowledge of love and what it feels like, he knows for a fact that what he feels for Thomas is the closest thing he will feel to love (“Because he's all I ever knew of love”). Now that thats out of the way, lets get to the juicy stuff... Janus feels like a criminal as he’s been taught over and over again that his opinions and thoughts are bad and harmful (“Cause I'm feelin' like a criminal” “I've done wrong and I wanna suffer for my sins”) This song is ultimately about Janus wanting to improve for Thomas, the one he loves the most. He knows that Thomas needs him, and the only way to get Thomas to listen is to get some help. Whose that help you might ask? Patton. Janus wants to be more helpful, but he doesnt know how. He’s envious of Patton’s ability to be accepted so easily, so he goes to him for advice (“I've come to you cause I need guidance to be true, And I just don't know where I can begin”). Janus wants to be redeemed in Thomas’ eyes, he wan’ts to escape the criminal appearance he’s been doomed to (“And I need to be redeemed, To the one I've sinned against”). He HATES some of the things he does to Thomas and some of the things he makes him think, but he doesn’t want to be forgiven, he believes that he deserves to be punished, but he still wants to get better for Thomas. He just doesn’t know how to do that (“Oh help me, but don't tell me to deny it, I've got to cleanse myself Of all these lies til I'm good enough for him”). Also, Janus sees Patton in a very very high place. He goes as far in this song to liken him to an angel while comparing himself, again, to the devil (“So what would an angel say, The devil wants to know”).

17) Change: The song is about, you guessed it, change! This to me is a continuation of the last song. Janus finally feels like things are changing in his favor (likely after the most recent episode). He was beginning to feel like there was no point in caring or trying, but now that he’s begining to see the light, he’s grown a bit hopeful (“Lately I've been thinking it's just someone else's job to care, Who am I to sympathize when no one gave a damn?” “Trying to find the power in me to be faithful” “Change is a powerful thing, I feel it coming in me”). With Patton’s help and acceptance, Janus is begining to feel worthy of Thomas again and begining to see the he has a voice (“Maybe by the time this song is done I’ll be able to be honest, capable, Of holding you in my arms without letting you fall when I don't feel beautiful Or stable”).

18) Devil in the Details: Janus worries again about his ability to help Thomas. He doesn’t believe that he can tell the difference between good and bad and he looks to Patton for that differentiation (“There was love I meant, there were accidents, So tell me which is which. 'Cause I just can't work it out” “I have, no way, of knowing,…”). There’s also an odd underlying message about doing something that he doesn’t want to do, but continues to do despite this and I’m not quite sure what that could be referring to (“And I know the cost, and I want to stop. But I can't do it, I just can't do it.”). It could simply be referring to him lying or deceiving others, but that seems too simple. I wish I had a better answer.

19) Come Little Children: ALSO MY FAVORITE SONG ON THE PLAYLIST! This is really big guys. This song practically confirms the fact that Janus was in charge of taking in and hiding the dark sides from Thomas (“Come little children, I'll take thee away Into a land of enchantment”). The song literally uses the phrase “My garden of shadows”, a clear metaphor for the hidden parts of Thomas’ mind where Janus keeps the dark sides. But it gets better... Janus pities these poor sides. He hates the way that society has forced them away from the light and into the shadows (“Follow sweet children, I'll show thee the way Through all the pain And the sorrows”). Not only does Janus feel bad for these sides and longs to protect them from the cruelness of the real world, but he LOVES them. He values every aspect of them and thinks they are beautiful and perfect. He cannot fathom why society wouldn’t also love see them this way and it frustrates him to hide such amazing traits from the world (“Weep not poor children For life is this way, Murdering beauty and passions”). Despite this sadness and dissapointment, Janus does his job and keeps the dark sides hidden away, knowing that society would never accept them for what they are (“Hush now dear children, It must be this way”).

20) Into the Unknown (no not the Frozen song): This song is VERY IMPORTANT. I have seen so many misinterpretations of this song, and granted mine could also be wrong, but please hear me out. This song comes right after the last song for a reason. The sides that Janus had once hidden away are now being shown to Thomas. He is literally going into the unknown (“Led through the mist, By the milk-light of moon, All that was lost, is revealed.” “Somewhere lost in the clouded annals of history, Lies a place that few have seen. A mysterious place, called The Unknown. Where long-forgotten stories are revealed to those who travel through the wood.”) Thomas is figuratively traveling through the wood by learning more about himself and traveling deeper into Janus’ previously mentioned Garden of Shadows. The song ends, beautifully framing Janus’ love for the sides he’s raised and hidden away, calling them “ The loveliest lies of all”....

(Ahhh! I’m sorry that was so long guys 😅 Thank you if you read the whole thing or evern part! I’d like to hear your opinions, so let me know 💛💛💛)

#sanders sides #thomas sanders #ts sanders sides #ts unpopular opinions #ts janus #janus sanders #janus playlist #ts side tracks #janus’ playlist #sanders sides playlist #long post #ts sidetracks

[peachbearies]

omg ion know if ur taking. Requests rn but I was wondering just a cute lil imagine bout zion in which the reader and him are dating and it's they're one yr aniversary or sum idk lol but just zion being a cutie and telling how much he loves her and shiii (because we all know that his ass acts all big and bad but he is a 6'4 teddy bear irl) yaa ik that was supper cringey but shehej yee okay byee (ur an amazing writer btw I've read all ur work and may I saY I stan 💖)

Promise: Z.kuwonu

Requested

›› Synopsis: it’s your first anniversary with Zion, around this trademark period it makes you apprehensive but Zion reminds you how much

›› Genre: Fluff

›› Paring: Female Reader x Zion Kuwonu

›› Warnings: Slightly hinted nsfw, lots of cursing (I mean it Zion so…), a little glimpse of toxic behavior.

›› A/N: what?! This is not cringe at all baby! I admire cheesy romantic headcanons/ imagines like this. My likes and drafts are filled with fluffs or angst to fluff🤧. I’m sorry this is a tad bit delinquent And thank you for reading my work that means a lot I’ve been exploring a lot of vocabulary words to scrutinize my writing, this may be a long one I apologize I got too into it.

The marvels of what a year could do. From going through a hurricane of songster roaring at each other, the strikes of austere comments leading up to the thunderstorm of a anguish. Your ex-fiancé cheated on, with considerable women before you found out. The ring on your finger was nothing but a reflector and leverage for him, he wanted to appear a saint to the kingdom, but a devil in the moonlight. Apologizing and buttering you up like a slice of bread, didn’t make you dawdle.

Your lucidity and rectitude were more caliber than staying, so you moved out of your shared apartment a week later, during the rotation of moving haphazardly you’ve incoherent yourself from the boys' realm, nor have your inner circle heard of you. You dissipated from the earth. And if you had to be adequate, you relished it that way, what was anyone overlooking anyways? but you were silently asking for space, you would give your leg for it.

Zion stirring in disgruntle, pushing profanities in between his gritted teeth. Don’t get mistaken he wasn’t mad you were ignoring him, just by the way your handling things on your own, he knew it had to be really fucked up if you couldn’t come to him. The veins crawling up his proffered hands outstretched for the keys. The boys jumping up in fear he may do something reckless, Brandon putting his hand in front of the boys to halt them. “Listen—even if we stop him, say anything to him or follow him, he will remotely do exactly what you think he’s going to do, you know how much he cares about (y/n), all we can do is have faith in him” Brandon confirms, but deep inside that rickety heart of his fear was kicking his ass too. They all discern Zion, once the peak of anger overflows his eyes only opines vermilion.

Zion parked in the lot, not noticing your car ghosting its rightful place. His mind was set on figuring what was wrong with you. Climbing the flight of stairs, he knocks on your door, his foot tapping the pallid base. When the door swung open it was ex-fiance, their eyes met in pique just burning to throw punches and a few sparks of curse words. “What do you want?” Your ex tempts him.

For your sake, Zion never snapped in front of him the way he should’ve. “Not you that’s for sure” commenting on his current attire, which was shirtless and some sweatpants. “Where’s (y/n)?” He queries, a scruffy ‘tsk’ pass through his lips. “Not here, that bitch moved out after she broke up with me”

Zion looked at his watch the time read 9:35 pm. “Cool, all I need is nine minutes of your time” Zion tranquility explains to him. Swinging and docking him in the throat; the girl that was staying with him bolting into the living room finding the source of the thump. She screams for Zion to get off him, after give or take six punches, Zion walks away not giving him or her the slightest sight. “If I catch you or her around y/n, better make sure you have good health care insurance and dental”

The next day he waited outside your classroom leaning his foot up against the wall; few girls noticed him but that wasn’t on his mind. When your silhouette appeared, he excused himself in a rush to catch you. “Pretty rich seeing a smile from a ghost” your heart dropped; the voice you were scared to dump your problems on.

What lie could you conjure? “Hey Zion” you breathe, turning in his direction. “That’s my fault I’m sorry, dealing with classes and moving I lost track of time” which was half correct, but it wasn’t the biggest factor. Zion tilted his head, signature hand in hoodie pocket. Closing your eyes with a heavy sigh, you knew he didn’t believe you nor did he want to push you. “Zion—“ he groped your wrist pulling you to the parking lot, he leaned on his car's hood without saying a drop of words, he wants for you to stream all your worries.

“Well, that’s half the reason. Okay, I didn't mean to go completely ghost, life just wasn't easy for me lately, I didn't want to add more dead weight to your shoulder. Sorry” zion scoffs pushing himself away from the car with no hands. But they followed the path to your jawline. ”burden on my shoulder or not, they're made for you to cry on. Stop going through things on your own alright?, as long as I'm here you don't have to sink”

Ever since you and zion grew close, a year later and he still gazes at you like a diamond. Even after a year, the astonishment gets the better of you. The insecurities start raging in, fighting in a war of love and hate. Your phone was laid upon the cherry wooden table, the vibrations frightening you, the goosebumps crawling up your arms. The name it read was “Love🤍”

“Hello?” You answer still shaken up; Zion lets out a soft scoff that vibrates through your body “you’re still in bed mamas? you should be awake beautiful” rubbing your eyes slightly, the clock flashed the numbers ‘ 2:30 pm’ your groan only makes him smile bigger.

“Goddamn I love you, look how ravishing you are in the morning” Zion's eyes shimmering in adoration. Those eyes always reflected his emotions, deep down you knew Zion loved you wholeheartedly, but the fear of having something good taken from you. That is what kept you hesitant. “No, I don’t stop lying” you stroke his ego.

“Me? Lie? Babygirl, I can’t and won’t lie to you stop playing” Zion said in a low octave, your stomach stirred in feelings “do me a favor baby” “Which is?” You reply, Zion looks over on his nightstand smiling. “Why are you smiling? Are you being mischievous again?”

“Who me? Nah” Zion shrugs off. The ringing of the doorbell distracted you from his spreading grin “answer that” sighing you walk towards the door, propping your phone on the counter, Zion moans out loud. “Maybe I should’ve slept over last night! Who told you to look that good mamas?” Ignoring his flirty antics you open the door, glimpsing at fresh bouquets of your favorite flower and a self-care basket. “Baby!!!” You screech, Zion simpers at the brightest smile on your face. The sun doesn’t shine as bright as you did at the moment.

“Why?, why are you so loving to me” you start to happy cry “Nah baby none of that, I love you too damn much for you to self-deprecate” Zion shuts your negativity down. Flipping the card over you read the message. ‘You thought I’d forget the day you changed my life? I’ve always loved you and I’ll continue to love you, but it’s not your love that I adore the most, it’s those gorgeous eyes that look back at me. Like I’m some type of angel when we all know that’s you, it’s the way you’re compassionate about others, I love your free spirit baby you’re a dove to me, even though I get under your nerves, I wouldn’t want anyone else to deal with me or my problems happy one year’

You look up at Zion, his eyes were already glossing by admiring your figure. Oh, how you wish jumping through a screen wasn’t just a cartoon thing. “Fuck” you whisper covering your face “angel, you are beautiful” Zion reminds you “stop!!! I’m in my feelings!!” You Jokingly spat at him. “What you wanna do for our anniversary it’s up to you” Zion smiles.

“Can we go to a petting zoo then get tacos?” Your eyes sparkling as your lips turn into a pout, Zion looking up towards the ceiling as his Adam’s apple points at the camera. “Yes, how could I say no” twenty minutes later Zion was at your house, complimenting you the whole car ride. Protectively and passionately rubbing circles on your knees being careful not to raise his hand any further.

“Look! Rabbits” Zion follows your finger pulling you in that direction, you sit on the bench holding the rabbit in your lap feeding it the food. Zion takes pictures of you getting the best angles, falling in love with your beauty, even more, the way the golden light bounced off your skin. It made him think twice if you were real or just a lucid dream. Feeding the monkeys were the best part, they hugged you and Zion; even gave you two kisses. The giraffes were the most exciting to you, joking to your boyfriend “wow look something taller than you”. Walking into a blue-lit aquarium a class of fish surrounded the both of you. Your finger softly touching the fish that was pressed against the glass, it followed your every move. Never realizing Zion detached his hand from yours, it hasn’t hit you until a ring was slid on your finger.

“Not an engagement ring, but soon don’t worry this is a promise ring, and I promise that you’ll feel nothing but comfort and love with me” his fingers gripped into your waist “with a side of pleasure too” you smack his shoulder while smiling ear for ear. “You promise?” “Of course I do, I wholeheartedly promise, I will never hurt or disrespect you baby, you mean too much to me”

Once you were back to the apartment your body couldn’t even make it to the bed, but Zion helped you to the bathroom. To wash off the dirt and sweat, even helped you with your skin routine. His fingers padding over every inch of your back, your soft snores in the crook of his neck. “I’m so glad to be the girlfriend of your dreams” you whisper “oh lord she’s finally figured it out!!” Zion pushes your buttons “should I send you back home?” You test him, “you wouldn’t dare, you need me tonight” Zion teases his swollen lips attacking your neck upwards your jawline, a low gruffly growl trickles down your spine.

“So is this the side of pleasure?” You press your teeth into your lower lip “if that’s what you want”

“Well, you did make a promise” wasting no time Zion straddles you, your legs wrapped around his waist, giggling at how he fumbled to remove his shirt.

“You damn right I made a promise, and I’ll show you how serious this promise is” Zion kisses up your stomach “I love you”

Your hands cupping his jaw the breathing becoming erratic “I love you too”

#prettymuch #zion kuwonu #prettymuch zion

[bisexualsforprompto]

Miraculous: Reborn Chapter Five

Omg it’s been so fricking long I’m sorry

AO3

First Previous Next

~~~~~~~~~

What their history teacher neglected to tell them was that the assignment assigned the day prior was going to be unbelievably difficult. They only had one day to work on it, and they had barely made any headway in study hall.

Damian huffed to himself as he watched Mari stare intently at a book.

I could’ve done this much quicker without her. He brooded to himself, although deep down he knew that was probably a lie. Mari had worked much faster than he expected.

“Aha!” She smiled, pointing victoriously to a passage in her book. Her eyes lit up, and if possible her smile made her eyes look more blue. Damian finally noticed her freckles too.

He felt a smirk tug at his lips by how excited she got a small triumph. Not unlike Jon, he noted. Ugh another Jon.

But maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing, he decided when he saw her tongue stick out slightly from her focus as she wrote into her notebook.

“Okay!” She exclaimed, snapping her notebook shut, “Done with the research! Now off to the project part.” She let out a small groan, “Any ideas?”

Damian held his sketchbook closely to his chest, not ready to let her see it. “Perhaps we can devise a poem and be done with it all.”

Mari pouted, then she smiled smugly, “Wanna take the easy way out, huh Damian?” She jibed.

“W-what?! No!” Damian spluttered, how insulting how dare she-

Oh...Damian realized as she saw her hold back a chuckle. She was joking.

Well two could play at that game.

“Very well, what do you suppose we do oh great Dupain?”

“Well...if you’re not opposed...maybe we could meet up later to work? We don’t have a lot of time now, but I can probably explain my idea.”

Damian hesitated, he didn’t want to bring this girl back to the manor. Solely because he wasn’t sure he could trust her, certainly not because he didn’t want her to judge him for being a Wayne.

“We can meet up at a nearby coffee shop once school is over. I’ll inform father. What’s your idea?” Damian asked as he pulled out his phone.

“Well...I’m an amateur designer.” Mari said, looking slightly flustered, “And I thought since the project is an extension of what we’ve learned maybe I could design some period appropriate clothes? Just a sketch of course, I doubt I’d have time to actually make something seeing as its due tomorrow but-“

“May I see what you have?” Damian interrupted.

Mari nodded slightly before pulling out a black book, not unlike his own sketchbook. She handed it to him and immediately looked away, embarrassed by her own work.

Damian flipped through the pages, “These are more than adequate Dupain.”

Mari blushed at the praise. Damian considered showing her his own drawings, but...considering he would seldom show his family or even Jon his sketches he was not inclined to show his to a girl he’d known for not even a full day. He handed the book back to her just as the bell rang.

“I’ll meet you outside of the main entrance when school ends. Goodbye Dupain.” Damian said hiking up his book bag and heading off to his next class.

Of course she was in his next class.

And the one after that too. She was even in his last period, which meant Mari Dupain was in All. Of. His. Classes.

He understood, she was gifted academically and so was he, so they would share classes. Plus, the private school was relatively small in the number of students who attended, but still there was no other person Damian shared all his classes with.

Suffice to say, if he hadn’t tolerated Mari before he’d need to now considering the new circumstances. Just as the final bell rang, instead of meeting Marinette outside he walked to her desk and silently waited for her to gather her things.

“I’m ready!” She beamed, zipping up her backpack.

Damian eyed her, small and frail at first analysis. Her backpack had accumulated lots of books because she had transferred so late in the year.

“Would you like me to carry something?”

“No! I’ll manage! Thanks for asking though-“

“Ice Prince Charming.” A girl snickered on her way out to her friend. Damian glared at them both. Then without another word he walked with Mari out of the building.

“Why do they call you that?” Mari asked as she walked with Damian through the halls to the exit.

“Not that it’s any of your business,” Damian stated harshly before seeing her deflated expression and softening, “But it’s because I’m a black sheep here I suppose. I don’t play by their rules— that is, date, socialize, be on the football team, etcetera.”

“Huh, you seem normal to me.” Mari said, of course, unbeknownst to Damian she was leaving out the part where she hadn’t been with another human that wasn’t her parents, a villain, or Chat Noir for six years.

Damian side-eyed her, not sure how to respond. He realized quickly that she expected no response. It seemed her conversations were organic and raw, rather than ones in which the other person already knew what the next was going to say and planned for it. She wasn’t bothered by the silence that they walked in, which was odd, considering that she was a teenager most of which talked just to hear themselves talk.

Reaching the school’s exit, Damian pushed open the door for her.

“Thanks!” She chirped.

“Damian!” Jon called from across the courtyard, slowly registering Mari’s presence, “Oh, hi Mari!”

“Hi Jon!” Mari waved while Jon dashed over.

“So...what are you two doing now?” Jon asked, a glint in his eye as he smirked at Damian.

“If you must know, we’re heading to the local coffee shop to finish a project.”

“Ooooh!” Jon exclaimed. Damian knew what he was going to ask next before the boy even asked it.

“And no, you cannot come with us.”

“Bummer. Oh well, I have to go back to my parents’ house anyway, but I’ll still see you later for...ya know?”

Damian sighed, great cover Kent, “Yes.” He gritted his teeth and led Mari away.

“Here.” He said, pulling out a spare helmet from his bag. “I’m assuming you’re not afraid of riding a motorcycle.”

Mari brightened, “Yeah! My Nonna and I rode all the time before I di- before she died.” Marinette sighed internally for her quick recovery, even if she kind of had to lie about her grandmother being dead.

“My condolences.” Damian said as he cleared his throat. Marinette could tell it was sincere which made her feel a lot worse…

Damian got onto the motorcycle and made sure to get close enough to the handlebars so that Mari would have enough space. He was really hoping she wasn’t stupid enough to hang her arms around his shoulders.

As she got on, he realized she was very proficient at being a passenger. She got on quickly and placed her hands on the tank to stabilize herself. Mari’s helmet was already on, so Damian started off.

He started driving slightly slower than normal, just because he wasn’t sure how comfortable she was riding a quick pace. That could mess both of them up if she wasn’t ready.

It wasn’t a big deal anyway, as it turned out, the coffee shop was less than a mile away from campus and they arrived quickly.

Damian hopped off the motorcycle and extended his hand. Mari took it daintily as he pulled her off the vehicle. She dismounted easily as well. She handed his helmet back to him and they walked inside.

“Alfred, I found something interesting.” Bruce said as he pulled up a document on his computer.

Alfred looked over the document once and sighed, nothing really new, “You can deal with that later Master Bruce. There’s another matter that requires your attention.”

“Oh?” Bruce asked, raising and eyebrow, but not taking his eyes off the screen.

“Remember when Master Damian said earlier that he was going to work on a project? Well, it seems it was a partner project and pictures of him and his school partner are all over social media.” Alfred typed into the Batcave’s computer and pulled up Twitter, the most trending post was a picture of Damian helping a girl his age off his motorcycle in front of the coffee shop and the caption read, “Does the youngest Wayne have a date?!?!?!”

Bruce sighed, “Just tabloid gossip, nothing new.” He eyed the picture again, “Though maybe I should look into this girl…”

He scanned the picture in quickly and had the results he was looking for within minutes, “Mari Dupain. Moved from Paris, France to Gotham not too long ago.”

Alfred rubbed his temples, “Dupain...as in-“

“Yes.”

“How will you tell the young master?”

“He’ll...understand.” Bruce sighed, “Maybe not right away, but he will eventually.”

Alfred looked at him disapprovingly.

“Okay, you’re right.” Bruce muttered, “I'll talk to him about it when he gets home...I hope he’s not too attached to that girl...he’s not going to be happy.”

~~~~~~~

Tags:

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#maribat #damianette #daminette #soulmate injury au

[btsqualityy]

BTS Second Pregnancy Series #9: Guilt

29 weeks, or 7 and a half months, pregnant 

Author’s Note: So, this part is a little longer than usual because it’s about the guilt that many parents face during a second pregnancy. The guilt can range from trying to figure out to how to give an adequate amount of time and attention to all of the kids, to not wanting to take anything away from the firstborns, and everything in between. I hope you guys enjoy this part!

Kim Seokjin

“Daddy! Daddy!” Kaiden shouted as Jin walked through the front door of the house, and Kaiden slid down from his spot on the couch next to you to run over to his daddy. 

“Hey Chinny,” Jin chuckled, catching Kaiden in his arms and lifting him to squeeze him in a hug. 

“Are you done with work today?” Kaiden asked excitedly. “Can you play with me now?”

“I can’t Chinny,” Jin told him. “I just came home to get something that I needed.”

“Oh. Can we play when you come home at dinner?” Kaiden wondered.

“I’m not gonna be home for dinner tonight Kade,” Jin said and you lifted an eyebrow at that. “I have to be at the studio with your uncles.”

“Oh, ok,” Kaiden murmured and you frowned lightly when you saw the pout on his face. Deciding to step into the situation, you stood up and walked over to them, setting your hand on Kaiden’s back.

“I’m sure Daddy will play with you when he can, right?” You said as you looked up at Jin, who nodded in agreement. “Here, come to Mommy,” you said as you held your arms out and Jin handed Kaiden over to you. Jin then sprinted off up the stairs towards your bedroom, and you squinted your eyes in confusion. 

“Here, why don’t you stay here and watch your cartoons ok?” You told Kaiden as you walked back over to the couch and set him down. He nodded softly, watching wordlessly as you turned them on for him. After making sure that he was watching, you climbed up the stairs and walked down the hallway to your bedroom. Once you got to the doorway, you peeked inside to see Jin sitting on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. 

“Jin?” You called and when he lifted his head, your heart felt like it was going to break at seeing the tears streaming down his face. You walked over to him, sitting down on the bed next to him and setting your hand on his back. “Baby, what’s wrong?”

“I just feel like a terrible father,” he sniffled and you remained quiet as you let him continue. “I barely have time to play with my son as it is and now that we’re having another baby, all I can think about is how both Kaiden and them are probably gonna feel neglected because I’ll have to split the little bit of free time that I do get.”

“Jin, it’s understandable that you feel like this,” you told him. “But you’re an amazing father. Yeah ok, so Kade was sad when you told him that you had to get back to work but he also looks at you like you hung the stars in the sky. Don’t let this one bad day make you feel inadequate, because I promise you that you’re not.”

“You sure?” Jin wondered. “You sure that they both won’t grow up to hate my guts?” He asked and you giggled because you knew that he was feeling better since he was being over dramatic.

“I’m positive,” you nodded as you reached over to wipe his face for him. 

“God, what would I do without you?” He wondered out loud and you smiled before he kissed you softly. 

Min Yoongi 

“Yoongs?” You whispered, reaching over and gently pushing his fringe off his forehead in hopes of waking him up. 

“Y/N-ah, I’m sleeping,” he mumbled, tightening the arm that he had around your middle and pulling you closer into his side. “You should be too.”

“I need to talk to you though,” you said. 

“Now? It can’t wait until in the morning?” He wondered.

“Well, it’s kind of been bothering me for a few days now,” you trailed off and Yoongi’s eyes popped open when he heard the shy tone in your voice. He moved his arm up so that it was underneath your head and he set his fingertips on your forehead, frowning slightly when he felt the frown lines there.

“What’s going through your head Min?” He asked you as he looked into your eyes.

“I’ve been feeling guilty,” you admitted and Yoongi furrowed his brows in confusion.

“For what?”

“For getting pregnant again,” you told him, making his eyes widen. “Lately, I’ve just been paying more attention to Kins and she has such a close bond with the both of us. I don’t want to lose that once Kamryn comes.”

“You won’t lose that Y/N-ah, you’re her mom,” Yoongi said.

“I know that rationally, but I can’t help but to think that Kins will feel like we’re just casting her to the wayside, you know? It’s always just been the three of us.”

“Oh baby,” he muttered, leaning over and pressing his lips to yours, kissing you gently for a few seconds before pulling away. “Kins loves you so much. Hell, even I’m chopped liver when it comes to her mommy. She won’t feel like we’re casting her to the side because we won’t let that happen, right?”

“Of course not,” you shook your head. 

“You’re fucking amazing when it comes to taking care of me and Kins, and you have been since the day that I met you and since the day that Kins was born. I’m more than sure that you’ll be just as amazing with Kam.”

“You really think so?” You asked softly and Yoongi nodded with a smile.

“I know so. And even on the off chance that I’m wrong, I’ll be right here to help you. So try not to worry about it, yeah?” He said and you nodded before leaning over to kiss him.

“I love you Yoongs,” you whispered.

“I love you more baby. Now, get some sleep Min,” he smirked. 

Kim Namjoon

“Mommy, can I have a lollipop?” Mason asked for, what felt like, the thousandth time in the span of 20 minutes. 

“Mase, what did I say when you asked me the last time?” You asked him. 

“You said no,” he replied. 

“So the answer is still no,” you told him as you picked up the laundry basket before turning around and walking up the stairs. Mason, however, was right behind you, not one to give up easily.

“But why not?” He questioned as the two of you walked up the stairs.

“Because it’s too close to dinner and I don’t want you to ruin your appetite,” you explained to him as the two of you walked into your bedroom, where Namjoon was sitting on the bed.

“But it won’t! It’s tiny!” He exclaimed.

“Mason, the answer is no,” you told him as you set the basket on the bed and before rubbing your swollen bump softly.

“But Mommy!” He whined loudly with a stomp of his foot and you whipped around to face him, a scowl on your face,

“Mason Bailey, do not start whining,” You hissed and Namjoon’s eyes widened, because you rarely ever raised your voice at Mason so he decided to intervene. 

“Mase, why don’t you go to your room for a little while ok?” Namjoon suggested as he got up from the bed and Mason looked up at him with a pout.

“Am I in trouble?” He murmured and you automatically began to feel bad for how you lost your cool when you saw the look on his face. 

“I’ll come talk to you in a minute ok? Just go buddy,” Namjoon said and Mason nodded before turning and walking out of the room. Namjoon then turned to face you, confusion written all over his face. “Y/N, what was that?”

“I’m sorry,” you immediately said, tears starting to rush down your face and Namjoon automatically pulled you into his arms when he saw you crying.

“No Y/N-ah, don’t cry,” he muttered as he hugged you tightly.

“This pregnancy just has my hormones going crazy and he just kept asking after I already told him no multiple times and I just feel like shit because I can’t control it,” you hurriedly explained and Namjoon just shushed you, his heart aching at seeing how bad you felt. 

“No, it’s ok jagi. You didn’t mean it and I’m sure he knows that,” Namjoon assured you. 

“I’ve been so short tempered lately, and I don’t wanna make him feel bad for being himself just because I’m hormonal,” you sniffled. 

“Explain it to him then,” Namjoon told you. “You know he’ll understand what you’re trying to tell him.”

“You think?” 

“You know how smart he is,” Namjoon chuckled. “Try him.”

“You’re right,” you nodded, pulling away from the hug to take a deep breath to calm yourself down while Namjoon wiped your face free of tears. “Can you come with me while I go apologize to him?”

“Yeah, come on jagi,” he nodded, reaching down and grabbing your hand in his before leading you towards Mason’s bedroom. 

Jung Hoseok 

“Daddy, don’t leave,” Lennox and Berkeley both said after Hobi as he moved to stand up from the couch in the living where the three of them had been watching a movie.

“Kiddos, I’ll be right back,” Hobi chuckled. “I’m only going to get us some snacks.”

“We come too,” Berkeley said firmly.

“No, you can both stay here and keep watching the movie. I’ll be right back,” Hobi told them.

“Promise?” Lennox pouted and Hobi furrowed his brow in confusion. 

“Of course Lenny. Why wouldn’t I come back?” Hobi wondered.

“You stay at BigHit a lot now,” Berkeley spoke up and Lennox nodded in agreement. Hobi sighed heavily before pulling setting his hands on top of both of their heads.

“Well, Daddy doesn’t have to go back to BigHit until tomorrow, ok? I’m all yours, I promise,” he told them and they both nodded in reply. Hobi then got up and walked into the kitchen, where you were indulging yourself in your latest pregnancy craving of pickles.

“Hey, what’s wrong with you Hobi?” You asked him, immediately noticing the frown on his face. 

“Have the kids said anything to you about me having to work more lately?” He questioned and you frowned lightly, shaking your head.

“Not anymore than they usually do. Why?”

“Because I was about to come get us some snacks to eat while we watch the movie and I said that I’d be right back and Lennox said ‘Promise?’. And when I asked why he’d say that, Berk said it’s because I’ve been at BigHit a lot lately,” he explained to you and your eyes widened. You put the jar of pickles in your hands on the counter and wiped your hands before stepping over to Hobi, setting your hands on his cheeks.

“Talk to me,” you murmured and he nodded, taking a second to get his thoughts together.

“I guess hearing them say that just scares me. Apparently, I’m not giving them all of the attention that they want or need and all I can think of is how we have Hendrix coming now and how the hell am I gonna give three kids what they need when I can’t even manage with two?” He said. 

“Hobi, you do give them what they need,” you told him. “It’s just that you’re their favorite person and they both love spending time with you. You go so above and beyond as their dad that they can’t help but to notice when you’re not here.”

“Really?” He asked wearily and you nodded with a soft smile, before leaning in and kissing his lips softly.

“Don’t you think for one second that you don’t give 110% to our kiddos every day, because you do,” you smiled. “And they love you so much for it and Hendrix will too.”

“Thank you Y/N-ah,” Hobi grinned, giving you another kiss. 

Park Jimin 

You were sat on the back porch of your and Jimin’s house, watching with a smile as Jimin and Noah ran around the backyard together. Since today was one of Jimin’s days off, Noah was insistent on taking full advantage of his dad’s free time and you were more than relieved to have the extra pair of hands around.

“Daddy, come back!” Noah shouted as Jimin walked up the steps of the porch, making him stop and turn around to face Noah.

“I’m just gonna take a little break mini me,” he told him. “Why don’t you go play in your sandbox for a while?” He suggested and Noah nodded before skipping off towards it. Jimin came over and sat down on the bench next to you, and you giggled at him when he sighed tiredly.

“God, where does he get all of that energy from?” Jimin wondered as he looked over at you. “I’m exhausted.”

“He’s been saving it for you,” you told him with a smirk. “He’s definitely not that hyper when it’s just me and him.”

“Oh, so he’s just torturing me then? Good to know,” Jimin nodded and you laughed at him before looking back out to Noah, who was playing with his toys in the sandbox. “He’s getting so big now huh?” Jimin said when he saw you looking at Noah.

“Yeah,” you nodded, sniffling softly and Jimin’s eyes widened when he saw tears welling up in your eyes. 

“Jagi, why are you crying?” Jimin asked as he fully turned to face you, his hands coming up to hold your cheeks as he wiped your eyes. 

“I just don’t want him to feel like he has to grow up since we’re having another baby,” you confessed. “One of my favorite things about Noah is how innocent he is and I don’t want to ruin that for him.”

“Us having another baby isn’t gonna ruin that for him jagi,” Jimin assured you. “He’ll still be our baby too.”

“I know but I don’t want him to think that he has to stop being his little soft self since he’s not the youngest in the family anymore,” you said. 

“And that’s where we, as his parents, step in,” Jimin told you. “We know Noah the best so if we see him doing that, we can step in and explain to him that he can still be Noah, you know?”

“Yeah, you’re right,” you said, reaching up and wiping your eyes while Jimin moved his hands down and grabbed your hands in his. 

“Trust me, mini me will be great,” he promised you. “His emotional intelligence is higher than the average three year old so he’ll be fine.”

“Thank you Jimin-ssi,” you smiled. 

“No problem baby,” Jimin replied, leaning over and kissing you firmly.  

Kim Taehyung

“Come on Spence,” you said as you helped her stand up in the bathtub. You grabbed her pink, fluffy bath towel and opened it up before wrapping it around her little body. You then lifted her up and out of the tub, helping her dry herself off. 

“Are you gonna do my hair tonight Mommy?” Spencer asked and you smiled, nodding your head. 

“Of course Spence,” you replied. “I think Daddy is in your room so why don’t you go ask him to help you put your pajamas on and then bring me your hair stuff when you’re done?” 

“Ok!” She exclaimed and you patted her butt twice before she went rushing out of the bathroom and to her room. After letting the water out of the tub, you walked out of the bathroom and down the hall into you and Taehyung’s bedroom, collapsing onto the bed and laying on your back. You had taken a nap earlier in the day but this pregnancy definitely was tiring you out more than you remember that your pregnancy with Spencer had and you couldn’t help but to let your eyes flutter shut. 

“Mommy?” You heard Spencer whisper and you opened your eyes, not even realizing that you had drifted off to sleep. “I have my stuff.”

“Oh, I’m sorry Spence, but Mommy is really tired,” you told her with a small yawn. “Do you think we could skip your hair routine, just for tonight?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Spencer muttered and you immediately began to feel bad after seeing the look on her face. 

“I’ll do it in the morning before you go to school, alright? I promise,” you told her.

“Ok,” she nodded before turning around walking out of the room. You almost wanted to follow after her and tell her that you would do it, but your body just wouldn’t let you. That’s why you just continued to lay in bed, until Taehyung walked in a little while later.

“Hey, she off to bed?” You asked him.

“Yeah, she finally drifted off a few minutes ago,” he said as he climbed into the bed next to you. He then propped his head up on his hand as he used his other hand to lightly rub your bump. “She seemed a little sad that you didn’t do her hair tonight.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me,” you groaned. “I felt so bad but I just get tired so easily now.”

“That’s understandable Y/N-ah,” he told you. “You did give her her bath and everything.”

“I know but she knows that I’m more tired because of Elijah and I don’t want her to feel like her routines have to change just because of him,” you admitted. 

“But they will change though,” he replied honestly. “We’re gonna have another newborn in the house now and it’ll take us a while to figure out to handle both of them together. We just have to make sure that we take the time to reassure Munchkin when it’s needed, that’s all.”

“And this is why you’re super dad,” you smiled, giggling when Taehyung leaned over and left a kiss on your nose. 

“Well, I definitely couldn’t be super dad without you by my side,” he said with a small smile. 

Jeon Jungkook

“Good night Angel,” Jungkook said as he tucked Ava into her bed while you watched from the doorway.

“Daddy, my light,” Ava whined and Jungkook nodded as he leaned over and switched on her nightlight. 

“There’s your light so go to sleep now, ok?” Jungkook said and Ava nodded, a small giggle escaping her when Jungkook leaned down and kissed her forehead. “I love you Angel.”

“Love you Daddy,” she replied before looking over at you. “I love you too Mommy.”

“Love you too Ave,” you smiled as you walked over to her bed and leaned down to press a kiss to her cheek. “Sweet dreams.” You and Jungkook both watched as she closed her eyes before tip toeing out of her bedroom and heading down the hall to your shared bedroom.

“God, I’m so happy that she’s asleep,” Jungkook groaned as he flopped face first onto your bed and you couldn’t help but to laugh as you sat down next to him. “Is it just me or does she get sassier every day?”

“No, she definitely does,” you nodded. 

“She’s taking after you,” he mumbled. 

“You say that as if it’s a bad thing,” you laughed and he just shrugged. The two of you continued to sit there silently until Jungkook suddenly flipped over, his eyes wide in realization.

“How the hell are we gonna handle the two of them once Aria’s born?” He wondered and you raised your eyebrows at him.

“What do you mean?”

“Ave can be a lot to handle, even though most of it is harmless but she’s still a lot. How are we gonna handle her and a newborn? And what if Aria is a hard baby just like Ave was? We barely made it through Ave’s first year alive,” he rushed out and you set your hand on his lips, silencing him.

“Kook, you’re ranting and you’re working yourself up,” you told him. “Calm down.”

“I’m trying but I cant help but to think about things like that,” he muttered lamely. 

“Kook, we’ll be fine,” you promised. “You’re right, we definitely struggled through Ave’s first year but we made it, didn’t we?”

“Yeah.”

“So we’ll be great with Aria too,” you smiled. “We have each other to lean on, and I’d say that you’re a pretty solid partner. Aren’t I?”

“Mm, I don’t know about all that,” he teased and you gasped playfully, smacking him in the shoulder afterwards. “I’m just kidding. You’re the only person that I would want to have help me deal with our bratty, sassy babies.”

“I feel like you’re shading me since you just said that Ava’s taking after me but I’m gonna ignore that,” you told him.

“I love you Y/N,” Jungkook said as he moved over to you, wrapping his arms around your waist as he laid his head in your lap.

“I love you more Kook,” you smiled, setting your hands in his hair and running your fingers through it. 

#bts #bangtanarmynet #bts reactions #bts imagines #bts jungkook #bts jimin #bts jin #bts rm #bts rap monster #bts namjoon #bts suga #bts yoongi #bts v #bts taehyung #bts jhope #bts hoseok #jungkook x reader #jimin x reader #jin x reader #namjoon x reader #yoongi x reader #taehyung x reader #hoseok x reader

[sageblogsthings]

Do you have any tips on how to write characters with scoliosis in a respectful/accurate way?

Thank you so much for asking! I smiled like an idiot when I saw this ask. :) Let me preface this by saying that scoliosis can vary a lot from person to person depending on the severity of curvature, location of curvature, treatment methods, etc. So I think that, as with anything really, getting a wide range of viewpoints and voices on the issue will make it easier to write! Honestly just scrolling through the scoliosis tag on tumblr will give you a good sense of what it’s like for some people too. With that being said, I’ll talk a bit about my experience, and how I wish that characters with scoliosis were portrayed. Just know that my answer is far from universal amongst those with scoliosis. Also, medical treatment where I live is pretty shitty so I may have some other undiagnosed stuff that I’m attributing to scoliosis who knows lol. And I’m still learning a lot about it myself! Ok, with that caveat out of the way, here we go!

I’m gonna put a tw here for discussions of scoliosis, chronic pain, anxiety, and depression

Also, for those who don’t wanna read about my experiences with scoliosis, if you scroll down there’s 13 tips on how to write characters with scoliosis (a lot of these tips apply to chronic pain in general tho). :)

To talk about my own experience a bit, I was first diagnosed with scoliosis when I was about 10 or so. When I was first diagnosed they told me it was minor and just to watch my posture. Scoliosis runs in my family but for most of my family members it’s pretty mild so I didn’t worry about it and went on my merry way. In hindsight, not the best way to deal with that but ah well.

Flash-forward to college. I had been having back pain and headaches for awhile, but I just figured it was studying for prolonged periods of time, carrying a heavy backpack frequently, and not watching my posture when I studied. I never connected it to scoliosis because I hadn’t had a check-up since that first diagnosis. Again, not the best idea but life happens.

I just finished my junior year in college, and I have had almost non-stop doctors appointments all year. It started after I had some sharp pain in my lower back, and got x-rays to see what was going on. Several doctors appointments and an ER visit later I find out that my scoliosis has gotten significantly worse, and that I have a fractured L5 as well. One thing I don’t see mentioned a lot with scoliosis is that it significantly weakens your spine (usually lower) because your weight distribution is thrown off. I had a job that involved some pretty heavy lifting, and voila fractured L5. 13/10 would not recommend btw.

My curvature (I can’t get consistent answers from doctors) is somewhere in the 20′s in my lumbar region and in the upper 20′s/lower 30′s in my thoracic region. At least with the neurosurgeons I’ve spoken to, they don’t consider you a candidate for surgery until the upper thirties or forties, unless you have significant neurophysiological symptoms. Treatment options vary widely depending on where you live, what you can afford, and what your doctor will give you a referral for, but most doctors will recommend physical therapy off the bat. To my knowledge, most doctors do not recommend bracing anymore, though I think in children that might be different (not so sure on that). So currently, I am waiting on an appointment with a pain management specialist and will go from there. 

Even though the curvature in my spine is relatively minor, I still experience significant symptoms. Some of these symptoms include sciatica, pinched nerves in my arms, legs, and back, muscle spasms in my upper back and neck, swelling of my hands and feet, and numbness or pain in my hands and wrists. Also, because my spine curves more in the upper portion of my back, my left lung cannot expand as much as my right lung. This isn’t always a problem, but I get shortness of breath pretty easily, and any respiratory infections make it super hard to breathe properly (pneumonia sucks a butt). There’s also the obvious bit of scoliosis where I stand a little crooked. Another thing I think that not a lot of people know is that how “lopsided” you are can vary from day to day. This doesn’t mean that the curvature is changing day-to-day, but the muscles may be more relaxed or tightened on some days.

So that’s my experience pretty much (bless you if you read all that!). But, to show an example on the opposite end of the spectrum, my friend had (I think) a 30 degree curvature in the thoracic region and 50 degree curvature in the lumbar. He had immediate corrective surgery (I’m not sure exactly what kind) and now aside from the scar on his back and that he looks like a table when he bends over (his words lol i’m not being mean) you would never know. And even weirder, he had no significant symptoms before his surgery aside from occasional sciatica. So your symptoms don’t necessarily depend on the degree of curvature, where the curve is located has a lot to do with it. Typically, more curvature in the upper spine is more painful but that’s by no means always the case.

Ok, so how in the heck does this all apply to writing characters? I promise it does, I’m not just rambling (well, maybe haha).

13 Things to Consider When Writing Characters With Scoliosis:

Their symptoms may vary from day to day. This may mean that some days they can do activities like running or baseball, and other days they can barely type or walk without pain.

They may have no, mild, or severe symptoms, depending on the location and severity of curvature, and other factors.

What is medical care like where they live? Dealing with doctors, neurosurgeons, physical therapists, etc. is just a part of having scoliosis, and very often an incredibly draining aspect. This is especially true if you have anxiety or other factors that make going to the doctor even more unpleasant.

Were they misinformed about scoliosis? Unless you go to someone who specializes in scoliosis treatment, you’re probably gonna get inaccurate information about something. For example, I was told constantly as a kid to watch my posture. Yes, this can have an impact, but more and more research is showing that scoliosis in many cases is influenced more by hormones (especially in teenage years) than posture. There’s also more egregious examples of this, such as a neurosurgery PA who recently told me not to ever use CBD to alleviate pain because it’s a “gateway drug.” This is literally impossible. So for writing, this could translate into frustration or even anger for your character. But it could also make for some funny situations later! I wrote down everything that crazy PA told me and it still makes me laugh from time to time.

Don’t give them a back-breaking job. It will literally break their back lol. I’m not saying they can’t be active, but if someone is impacted by scoliosis on a daily basis they probably aren’t working as a professional wrestler. Or maybe they are, and your story is trying to explain how that works lol

What do they do to manage the pain (if they have it)? For me, the symptoms are typically inflammatory in nature so things like ice, heat, turmeric tea, and anti-inflammatory medications help relieve the symptoms. This is one of those things where getting other viewpoints is good though too!

Is their spine visibly crooked? If so, are they self-conscious about it? This varies a loooot, and may even vary with symptoms. For example, maybe some days when the pain isn’t bad they wear a cute dress that shows their shoulder-blades. But then when the pain is bad, they just want to look like a hobo. I say this from experience lol.

Have people treated them differently because of it (positively or negatively)? Some people may experience bullying if their scoliosis is more visible, especially as a child. They may also be treated differently by adults, who are trying to look out for them, but nevertheless it still makes them stand out from other kids.

Do they make jokes about it? For example, I can be found frequently saying “my spine said yeet!” or “straight spine? idk her” or my personal favorite “my spine is about as straight as I am.” Scoliosis sucks, but living with it you learn to find humor in it too.

Are they going to get surgery for it? I can’t speak on this part since I haven’t had surgery, but I would imagine that there is a psychological aspect to this that you would want to mention for your character, as well as any logistical aspects like finances, dealing with trash insurance companies, etc.

How does scoliosis impact their mental health? This is one of my pet peeves, and it’s entirely founded in a lack of resources and education, so I’m not aiming this at anyone specifically. But scoliosis does impact your mental health, especially if you have pre-existing conditions like anxiety or depression already. It can be incredibly depressing to want to do something as simple as going for a walk, but you’re in too much pain. It can also really impact anxiety. For example, when I found out about my curvature change in college I had one of the biggest anxiety attacks I’ve ever had. There is also the added issue of not being able to breathe properly at times, which can make a panic/anxiety attack much worse (in intensity or duration). Of course, mental health issues can also be exacerbated by the environment you’re in, so that is definitely something to consider for your character.

What was their diagnosis like? What factors impacted their ability to get a diagnosis? Lack of adequate medical care or having crappy insurance is a huge problem, and it makes it really hard or even impossible for some people to get a diagnosis. And for most neurosurgeons or specialized treatment facilities you have to have that diagnosis and referral for them to be able to do anything. There may also be aspects of your character’s home life that prevents them from getting a diagnosis. Do their parents think they’re faking it, or that they just need to sit up straight? Is your character trans, and/or wears baggy clothing? I’ve heard several stories of undiagnosed cases because of this, so it’s something to consider.

Ok, I think this is the last thing (huge huge thank you to anyone still reading this!!). But please, if you’re writing a character with scoliosis, or any chronic issue/disability for that matter, avoid the trope of you’re still beautiful to me/you’re beautiful anyways/I don’t see your disability. Some people might not get what I’m saying here, so let me explain a little. If you have a character with significant scoliosis, to the point it impacts their daily life, and they meet another character (potential friend, love interest, whatever) and this new person grows to love them in spite of their scoliosis/disability, that is a huge red flag. It implies that they are seeing them through a lens of not having the disability, and they love that version of your character. But that is not your character in reality, because your character in reality has a very real disability. In general, just try to avoid the “I don’t see __,” in writing and real life. That could be applied to a disability, or the character’s race, sexuality, etc. In all cases, it dismisses a fundamental part of who that character is, and what experiences have shaped them into who they are. If your character has scoliosis and it has shaped who they are, it is important for other characters to recognize that as well, otherwise they aren’t really seeing that character in their “full glory,” if that makes sense. I’m rambling a bit at this point and I’m sure there’s other posts that make this point better than I have, but the takeaway is just please don’t write scoliosis as “you’re beautiful anyways.” Scoliosis or no scoliosis, it’s just “you’re beautiful.” Full stop. But part of how your character may come to recognize that beauty within themselves, or how others see it within them, may be influenced by their experiences with scoliosis.

Phew, I did not expect that to get so long but it’s a topic I’m passionate about and I haven’t seen information on scoliosis geared towards writers before, so hopefully this will help! Again, a lot of this is based on my own experiences so please do not take any of this as a universal guide to scoliosis, it definitely isn’t. And if I’ve said anything that people disagree with (or even agree with!) or have questions about, I am always open to polite discourse and discussion. :)

I hope that this answered your question some, and if not feel free to let me know! Thank you so much for asking this!

#ask #scoliosis #writing characters with scoliosis #kit chats #am i oversharing? probably #am i gonna share this anyways? yes #chronic pain #writeblr #representation #kit answers

[howtodisassembleyourdeviant]

Missing Home

I’m re-posting in hopes to fix the format issue I have with the last one. 

Connor missed you. There was no easy way to put it. He wanted to hold you in his arms, hear your voice, taste your lips. He wanted you to explain some of the jokes the other human detectives told. Hank finds the constant barrage of questions exhausting, but you never tired. A new exhibit had opened up at the zoo, featuring mythical animals. He wanted to see it with you. 

But you weren't here.

"I have to go. I match what they're looking for and it's their best lead." 

You both were sitting in the meeting room, an hour after you had been asked to go undercover in another precinct for a human/android trafficking ring. You would be working at a seedy strip club, as a bartender. Everything about this was terrible to Connor. Putting your life in peril while lecherous men tried to touch you? If he had any say, he would adamantly reject the idea, but... It was your choice. It tore him apart, wanting to support and protect, conflicting with each other. 

You kept trying to reassure him, that you had back-up, that your outfit had a tracker in it, that you would not be stripping. Then one of the officers you would be working with handed you your uniform, a skimpy two-piece that only covered the essentials, then had the audacity to check you out, a wolfish grin on his face. Rage threatened to boil over. Noticing, you grabbed Connor's tie, reeling him in and kissing him hard. The officer's smile fell, and he quickly exited. You pulled back, smiling up at the android, bringing your hand up to his face and stroking his cheek with your thumb.

"I don't want you to think I want to do this. According to their data, the ring is getting bigger. It needs to be shut down." He knew you were right, that innocent lives were at stake, but that doesn't mean he has to like it. "I have to leave for debriefing tomorrow, but why don't we have some fun tonight? We can do whatever you like." You ran your hands up his stomach and over his chest, resting them on his shoulders under his jacket. His eyes fluttered, and for a second, he forgot everything. You were... And he was... 

You took hold of his tie again, pulling him to follow.

"Let's go, lover boy."

..............

That was over three weeks ago. They had spent the whole night tangled together, relishing in the closeness. All too soon, you had to pack up and leave. You kissed him one last time, told him you love him, promised to be careful, and then you were gone. 

To protect your cover, he wasn't allowed to contact you, only receiving updates through the department. Apparently, you were fine and they were getting a lot of Intel. It should only be a matter of time before they have enough evidence to raid the location. He hopes so. You'll be free to come home then. 

 To think, at this very moment, some drunken idiot could be hassling you, trying to grab you. You were capable of course, but how much could you do without blowing your cover? It burned him up to think you might have to 'tolerate' any of it, for the good of the mission. 

He was walking home after another shift. Without any outstanding investigations, he wasn't allowed to stay after anymore. Apparently, not everyone appreciated his help, though he doesn't understand why. He only pointed out details they were missing or errors in their assessment. He wasn't rude about it, just factual. Hank gets tired of it too, though he has far more patience with him. He knows Connor isn't doing it to show him up, it's just how he was programmed. Deviancy can't fix everything.

The car has been sitting in the driveway for weeks. He just doesn't see the point in rushing home. All he does is stare at his fish or at the tv. He tries going over casework, but it just all leads to him worrying about you. Were they treating you alright at the other precinct? Were you getting enough sleep? Eating properly? Dragging his feet, he looks to the ground. This city always seems filthier without you, trash and cigarette buds littering the walkway. 

This is ridiculous. He had a life before you. He had hobbies and did things... Didn't he? He put in a lot of hours at the department, that's for sure. He went home to Hank's house and took care of Sumo, listened to music and read some of Hank's old paperback novels. Everything seemed so dull then. It wasn't that he was unhappy, in fact, some of those days were the best of his life, but then you showed him he could be happier, that every day could be like the best day of his life, opening doors he didn't even know were there. He sighs, kicking an empty can. 

The epitome of scientific artificial intelligence can't be left alone for five minutes. 

A call flashes on his HUD, bringing his attention away from his self-pity. It was Markus.

"Hey, Connor. Are you free tonight?"

"Yes. Why?" Did they need some help at New Jericho? Or a meeting for the leaders? Maybe some legal advice?

"Wanna hang out?" 

...hang out? He didn't even consider that. It's been a while since the last time they met up that wasn't on professional terms. Between his work at the DPD and Markus being the ambassador for androids, free time hasn't exactly been on the table. Still, wasn't he just griping about not being able to be left on his own? Wouldn't this just solidify that? He must have taken too long to answer, as Markus reiterated.

"There's a bar downtown that is offering drinks tailored to androids. Simon believes it would be a good way to unwind." So, Simon is going? He has no issues with Simon, but it makes him wonder.

"Who all will be attending?"

"Just the leaders." 

Which means North will be there.

"I think I'll just stay at home." Markus knows his issues with the psychotic woman. Staring at fish for several hours sounds like the better option.

"North will be meeting up with a few of her friends."

"What about your image? You represent our people. It won't look good if someone were to see you acting intoxicated." Connor made it to the front of his house, sitting down on the porch steps. 

"The club is for androids only. The owner has already made arrangements for us. Everything will be fine."

"Android only? I thought we were against segregation." 

"Are you being difficult on purpose?"

"No." Maybe. He doesn't really feel like going out.

"Connor, I think you need this. You can't live your life working all the time. Come out with us. It'll be fun."

"I'll think about it."

"Great! We'll be there to pick you up in half an hour!"

Connor sighed, running his hand down his face. I guess he was going out tonight. He should probably feed the fish before he goes.

........

Markus showed up and eyed Connor's outfit.

"Do you own other outfits?" The RK800 was wearing his usual button-up and tie, though rather than his labeled blazer, he was wearing a brown jacket. 

"Is there a problem with my attire?" It seemed adequate, just a bit casual. He adjusted his tie, to which Markus took it and pulled it off. The leader knew of Connor's ticks, and he wasn't about to spend the whole night watching him play with his tie. Connor said nothing, though he pouted a little. You bought him that tie. Still, he left it off. When it came to fashion, it seems that Markus knew best. 

"I think we should go clothes shopping sometime. Are you ready?" Connor nodded, giving his friend a half-smile. 

In the car, Markus and Simon sat upfront while North, Josh, and Connor sat in the back. Josh was brave enough to be the barrier between North and Connor. She still hasn't forgiven him for hunting his own people, or Jericho, or pointing a gun at Markus on stage at Hart Plaza. Connor, on the other hand, does not understand her desire for senseless violence or her hatred for all humans. Some resentment was understandable, considering her background, but she takes it to the extreme.

"So, where's Y/n? I didn't see her inside. Is she at work?" Markus asked. He met you on several occasions, watching Connor light up when you were in the vicinity. This time, however, Connor's expression darkened.

"I don't know. She's working a case. I'm not allowed to know where." 

"I'm sorry to hear that, " Markus internally cringed. Not a good start to the night.

"Do you know when she'll be back?" Simon looked at Connor through the rearview mirror, seeing him cross his arms as he curled into himself.

"No."

"Well, hopefully soon."

"Way to go, killing the mood, Connor, " North smirked. It was apparent she didn't want him there any more than he did her.

"Nothing a few drinks can't fix. Let's just enjoy tonight, " Josh placated.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Connor knows how Hank struggles with his addiction. He has personally had to deal with some of the lieutenant's worst days, spewing insults one moment then adamantly apologizing for the next. With his help, Hank had cut down significantly, but he still occasionally has his bad days, like on anniversaries.

"From what I understand, it's perfectly safe. It's thirium-based with several chemicals that affect androids in a way similar to alcohol in humans. It all gets worked out through the filter, though if you drink too much, you need a way to remove the excess fluids." Simon explained.

In other words, unless an android planned on purging his system, they needed functioning genitalia. In this aspect, Connor was fortunate, as he was actually built with such a thing. It was the easiest way to remove evidence that he samples. It's all collected in his filter where it gets broken down in a specialized, biodegradable cleanser, and once a month he drains it and has to drink a bottle of said cleanser to replenish his system. When he started dating you, he upgraded so his component could have "other" functions.

It still sounded like a bad idea, but he didn't want to dampen the mood any more than he already has.

.........

The bar had reserved a private table for them in the back. North was quick to break off from the group, leaving the men to gather at the table. The music was pumping out deep bass, androids dancing together and having fun. Connor just felt out of his element. The owner, upon seeing them, sent over a round of blue liquid in shot glasses.

"Let's loosen you up!" Markus handed Connor one of the drinks, then held his shot glass up, prompting everyone else to do the same.

"To freedom!" He cheered.

"To freedom!" Simon and Josh agreed, downing their drinks. Connor hesitated. He dipped his tongue into his glass, wincing at the flavor. This seemed more like poison than a drink.

"Are you aware that some of the elements in this drink can be quite harmful to us if consumed in large quantities?" Connor asked, incredulous that they would be so willing to put that in their systems.

"Yes, but so is alcohol in humans." Markus set his glass down and a female android wearing a tight-fitting black dress took the glass and replaced it with a full one. "You don't have to, but you should try it. Live a little!"

Connor regarded the drink once more. Maybe he's being a bit over-cautious. He downed the drink, coughing as it burned down his throat. The table cheered again, patting Connor on the back. It seemed safe enough. His system didn't immediately try to purge it. He didn't feel any different either. When the next round of shots was set, he drank it down. Then, another. And another.

.........

"Have you ever met him? He's an asshole." Connor shook his head.

"But it was he who created the basis for all androids." Simon intervened.

"So, because he's the reason we exist, he's not an asshole?" The RK800 scoffed.

"According to ancient mythology, that should make him even more of an asshole," Josh added.

"What are you talking about?" Markus was walking back, or rather, stumbling back. Apparently, intoxicated Markus likes to dance.

"Kamski," Simon answered.

"Assholes." Connor and Josh answered at the same time. They all shared a laugh.

Connor drank down another shot. Was this his eighth or twelfth? He didn't know and, for the first time, he didn't care. He felt pretty good. Loose. Like his body was made of jello. He tried to join Markus on the dance floor, but when he went to stand, his gyroscope was malfunctioning and before he realized it, he was on the floor, joining in with his friends laughing as they attempted to help him back to his seat, dropping him twice and Josh fell down himself. Instead, they started talking about how much has changed in the last two years, what they hope to do in the future, and now, they were talking about when Kamski returned to Cyberlife. It might have been a good move for the company, but that didn't mean Connor trusted the man. Still, it was fun, just talking and joking.

 If only the other patrons at the bar would leave him alone with his friends. There must have been a dozen women who tried to get him to dance with them or buy them a drink. Even after he explained he was in a relationship, they didn't seem to care. One even sat on his lap, which he instinctively pushed her off. She did not appreciate that.

Despite it all, the atmosphere was light and jovial. Connor was glad he went out. This was significantly better than sitting and waiting. Maybe, when you get back, he'll invite you...

"Why can't humans come here?"

"Because most of them are assholes, " Simon joked, taking another shot.

"Not all of them." You weren't.

"Aww, does the detective miss his master?" North chided. She rejoined the table. She was with two other women, one of which he recognized as the woman he shoved to the ground.

"She's not my master, she's my lover, and she's far better company than you or your friends, " Connor sneered. The air did a sudden 180°, filled with hostility.

"Okay, let's calm down, " Markus tried to come between them, to keep the peace, but for North, peace was never an option.

"What? Too good for your own kind?" 

"Too good for this conversation, " Connor smirked, taking another shot. North, not the type to take being dismissed, knew exactly what to say to rile him up.

"I bet you think you mean something to your "lover". Your little human would fuck any android that asks. Probably what she's doing now."

That did it. Connor was on his feet in seconds, though he stumbled slightly as the world turned. 

"Listen here, you conniving bitch! You can talk shit about me all you want, but you leave her out of your goddamn mouth. Because you had a tough start to life, everyone else has to suffer? At least you didn't have a psychotic, murderous AI controlling all your actions, though, you two probably would have had a lot in common." Connor got in her face, next venomous words leaving his lips as a growl, "It's a shame you had to kill someone before the new laws. I would have loved seeing you carried to prison, kicking and screaming."

She punched him in the face. It threw him off balance and he fell back, catching himself on Josh. She stormed off before anything more could be said, her friends laughing. Connor got back to his feet, about ready to go after her when Markus took his shoulder.

"Why don't we call it a night?" 

.............

Connor sat in the passenger side of Markus' self-driving car, poking at his cheek. A ring she had been wearing had cut into the syn-skin, making it leak. It was already sealed and healing, but he was still pissed off. To avoid conflict, North caught a ride with one of her friends.

"I just don't understand her problem with humans. Not all of them used her for sex. Y/n definitely wouldn't! She loves me, not that sour... Tart. If she was there, she would have kicked North's ass!" He was ranting, and Markus had to keep himself from laughing.

"I know, Connor, I know."

"Who's that on your porch?" Simon asked. There was someone in a gray hoodie curled up on the front step. When Connor saw, he jumped out of the car before it stopped moving, falling to the ground. He quickly made it back to his feet while scrambling to get closer. The commotion awoke the person sleeping there, looking up to see what's going on. 

"Y/n!" Connor bowled into you, knocking you back onto the porch. "I've missed you!" He nuzzled against you, making no moves to get up.

"I've... I've missed you... God, you're heavy! I've missed you, too." Markus came up, trying to pull him off you, but Connor's iron clasp brought you up with him. He was still snuggling against you, swaying on his feet.

"Markus, what's going on?" You asked, noticing he wasn't exactly the portrait of perfection either, over-correcting his steps and laughing.

"Have you heard of the new drinks for androids?" Markus smiled. "It looks like you can handle it from here. See you later, Connor!"

"Wait, Markus! What..." But the man sped off to his car, tripping on the front bumper, and you were certain you heard laughter coming from inside. You stood, six feet of drunken android hanging off your shoulders.

"Do you have your keys?" You asked.

Connor pulled back, checking each pocket thoroughly. After a few minutes, he smiled in triumph, pulling out his keychain. You took it from him and unlocked the door.

"Well, this explains why you weren't answering my calls."

"You called me?" He was baffled. He tried to pull up his call log on his HUD, but it glitched out and closed on its own.

"Yep. At least ten times. I lost my keys. I knew you weren't at work, and Hank has his phone turned off again, so I couldn't ask for his copy. I figured you were at Jericho, so I'd just wait for you." Connor won't answer calls if he's in a meeting. He has a number for emergencies, but it's not like the two of you lived in a bad neighborhood, and it was a nice night, if not just a tad chilly.

"I'm sorry, " he sounded so sad, you made the mistake of turning and looking at him. Eyes doleful, wet with unshed tears, lips pouted. No human or android should be able to pull off the sad puppy look so well!

"It's fine! You should hang with your friends more!"

"I'm sorry."

"It was only ten minutes, tops." Actually, over an hour.

"I'm sorry." A tear escaped one of his eyes. 

"No! It's fine! Don't cry!" You pulled him into a hug, which he immediately sank in to. "Come on, let's get you to the couch." You more carried him to it, tripping on the end table in the dark. You finally got him down, breathing a sigh of relief. You went to walk away, but he grabbed your wrist.

"Where are you going? You just got home!"

"To turn on the lights and get a glass of water." You kissed his forehead, "I'm not going anywhere."

He reluctantly released your arm. Still pouting as he leaned back.

You went about turning on the lights.

"How did everything go?"

"Professionally? Very well. Personally? Worst time of my life." You came back, setting your drink on the counter. With the lights on, he had a clear view of your face. Your left eye was bruised, and you had a split lip. Your neck was also discolored, as if someone had tried to choke you.

"Who did this to you?" He cupped your cheek, trying to get a better view, but his damn vision kept swimming. Who would dare to hurt you? Death will be a blessing when he gets his hands on them.

"Connor, I'm fine. They're already behind bars anyway. Some guy was plastered and wouldn't take no for an answer."

"Where was your back-up?" You didn't answer him. They didn't want to 'risk the investigation' over something you should be able to handle. Just because they were right, doesn't make it right.  

"I don't want you going undercover again. I don't care how many lives are at stake!"

"Calm down, " you took hold of his hand, but he pulled out of your grasp, taking your upper arms as he pleaded with you.

"No! I want you to promise me you won't do this again! I can't lose you! I didn't want you to do it before, and now you're injured! Next time, it could be worse! Just, please... I can't control your life, but please don't do this again." He leaned his head forward, resting against your stomach. "Please."

"Okay, " your hands went to stroke along the back of his neck, "I promise." You lifted his head, gazing into his eyes. "I promise, okay?" He closes his eyes, savoring the words, knowing you will be safe, that he can help keep you safe. 

He felt your lips on his, your hands running along his scalp. He was quick to respond. In this moment, he was no longer sitting in a house.

This was what home felt like.

When you pulled away, his eyes remained closed for a moment, lips curling into a smile. You giggled as he opened his eyes and you weren't sure if he was dazed from drinking or from the kiss. It was a perfect moment...

Ruined when your stomach started to grumble.

"Sometimes, it really sucks to be human. All I wanna do is love on my man after not seeing him for almost a month, but my stomach can't go twelve hours without making a fuss." You gave him a final peck on the forehead before heading to the kitchen. Unwilling to leave you alone for a second, Connor stumbled after you.

Opening the fridge, you were met with bottles of condiments and nothing else.

"I cleaned out the fridge last week. I didn't know when you'd be back." Connor found himself staring at your ass when you bent down to look in the crisper, as if food will magically manifest in the little drawers. He found the way it moved to be quite hypnotic,  swaying back and forth.

"Guess I'm on frozen dinner." You grabbed one, fiddling with the package before chucking it into the microwave. In that time, Connor had moved behind you.

"You're very pretty, " he spoke, pressing up against you and hugging you.

"And you're very drunk, " you giggled. He started to sway back and forth, dancing to music only he could hear.

"Wanna go to the zoo?" He mumbled in your ear.

"I'm pretty sure they're closed right now."

"They have an android dragon, now."

"That's cool but they're still closed."

"And a mermaid."

"And despite that, they are still closed!" You exclaimed.

"But... I wanna go..." Came his whine.

You turned in his arms, putting your hands on his shoulders as you both continued to sway. Connor was pouting again. So cute.

"We can go tomorrow, when they are open, okay?"

"...fine." He smiled down at you, happy to have you home. He wants to hold you close for the next month to make up for lost time. You rested your head against him as he pulled you closer. "I've missed you, " he whispered, closing his eyes as he rested against your head.

"I've missed you, too. Not one minute went by that I didn't wish I was curled up next to you, " you murmured, listening to the thrums of his thirium pump. You didn't even hear the microwave go off, nor did you care at this moment.

Connor's hands slowly started roaming, creeping from their place on your hips to your ass, gently kneading it. You would be lying if you said it didn't feel nice. Three weeks of running around a bar wearing high heels can really put a strain on your body. Your soft moan encouraged him to grab just a little harder, pushing you flush against his pelvis, getting a good idea of just how much he missed you.

"Someone's feeling frisky, " you chuckled.

"I think I have an addictive personality. I just can't get enough of you. Will you enable me?" He punctuated the last sentence by grinding against you.

"You must be drunk to think you need pick-up lines to get to me, " your own hands started to wander from his shoulders, sliding across his pecs to his waist, then his hips where you traced along his pelvic "bone" before pulling away, just as your stomach decided to make you aware of your food cooling in the microwave. "Human needs overpower human desires. You have to wait."

Once again, Connor pouted, but he agreed. As you ate, you both sat on the couch, tv on but at a low volume. You asked about what he's been up to and if he had fun tonight. He told you about North being a bitch and how you should kick her ass if you ever meet her, earning a laugh from you. When you finished your food, you got up to put your dish in the sink. On the way back, you started undoing your shirt buttons for what is to come.

Or rather, what was to come. Connor had laid down and must have found it so comfortable, he entered sleep mode. His LED spun a lazy blue. He looked so relaxed. You turned off the lights and grabbed a blanket. Then, you took off your jeans and laid down on top of him. Other than his LED flickering a little faster for a moment, he didn't react. Lastly, you tossed the blanket over you both, laying your head down and letting his artificial heart be your lullaby.

.........

The next morning, Connor woke up in a daze. The sunlight seemed too bright from the blinds, prompting him to close his eyes as he connected to the house system and closed them. There was a pressure in his lower abdomen. A warning was flashing on his HUD informing him of his need to remove excess fluids. He went to sit up, only to realize there was another weight on top of him. He opened his eyes, finding you laying across his body. You looked so peaceful, eyes closed, mouth slightly open as you lightly snored. He could lay here forever, but the warnings kept flashing, and the pressure in his groin felt so uncomfortable. Why did he have to drink so much? 

He fought with himself, trying not to move until it was getting to be too much. Gently, he rolled over, trying to ease you onto the couch. He did not notice how your arms wrapped around his neck, locked together. When he stood up, your weight pulled him back down. You whined out a protest to being moved, making him freeze as he tried to get you to let go.

"Love? Could you let go, please?" He whispered into your ear. Your lips curled as you kept your eyes closed.

"I could, " you mumbled. He sighed.

"Would you please release me? I need to use the restroom."

"No, I don't really want to." The warnings started flashing brighter, making his head throb.

"Please, love? Sweetheart? I really need to go, " he spoke, borderline desperate. When you didn't answer, he stood, once again bringing you up, practically carrying you towards the bathroom, all the while you were giggling. The blanket tangled around his feet and he fell backwards to the ground.

"Please, Y/n, let me go! I'll do anything!" 

"Say,  'Y/n is the nicest, most beautiful woman in the world and it is an honor for me to be graced by her presence'!"

"Y/n is the nicest, most beautif-" you cut him off with a kiss. It was so brief, he chased after your lips when you pulled back.

"Close enough, " you snickered, releasing him and pushing off from his chest. You offered your hand to him to help him up, which he took, laughing as you struggled to haul him up. 

Quickly, he pulled you close and kissed you.

"When I'm finished, we're picking up where we left off, " he smirked before dashing off, leaving you shook for a moment.

"I'll hold you to that!" You called after him, looking forward to a proper 'Welcome Home'.

#Cute Girls and Hot Androids #Connor #Connor fanfiction #connor x reader #rk800 connor reader #rk800 #DBH #Detroit Become Human

[jeranasblog]

Trying out something new

Summary: Tony and Peter try out something new.

Rating: E

Notes: This story is my 12th @starkercestevent​ contribution and it might be better to read the other parts first. Kink for the 12th story: Ring Gag (and spanking). Click here for the Bingo Masterlist.

Warnings: Adoptive Father/Adoptive Son, don’t like it, don’t read it

Read on Ao3

After the reminder of Pierce’s threat on a piece of paper, Peter and his Daddy stayed home a lot. They spend their time watching TV, having sex, planning their next trip once Tony had dealt with the Senator, and having sex again. For a week, it was everything Peter could have ever dreamed of, having his Daddy completely to himself except for the few hours a day the Alpha had to catch up with work. But after some time passed, he got bored. 

 He was sick of watching TV and their next trip to Europe was already completely planned, so the only activity left was sex. Peter loved their sex-life, loved the way his Daddy took control, but since they didn’t have much to do anyway, Peter fell down the rabbit hole called the Internet in search of something new to try. 

 Entering ‘How to please my Alpha’ in the search bar had probably been a mistake. The first forum Peter clicked on recommended to surprise the Alpha with a homecooked meal and suggested riding him during dinner. He dismissed the idea immediately because neither Tony nor he would be able to stop when Peter was sitting on his Daddy’s cock and he didn’t want any bodily fluids in their food, thank you very much. The ideas of the second and third forum were even worse because they encouraged Omegas to invite their Alpha’s friends and please them all day long, sexually and not. Have they never heard about the natural possessive nature of Alphas? Tony would rather sell his company than share Peter with anyone. 

 When Peter still hadn’t found anything adequate after half an hour had passed, he decided to implement plan b. Calling Bucky. As expected, the other Omega had a million ideas and Peter had locked himself inside his room during the call to keep the surprise hidden from his Daddy. Tony was suspicious but didn’t say anything when Peter disappeared for three whole hours and later, they were watching TV as if nothing had happened. 

 Peter was thrumming with excitement. He had ordered something per express and it would arrive the same day, so he counted down the hours until the doorbell finally rang. Originally, he had wanted to jump up and run to the door before his Daddy would find his purchase, but Bucky had convinced him to change his plan. There was still the slight chance of Pierce coming to get him, so Peter had ordered the package in his Daddy’s name, excited when the Alpha would open it. 

 Tony was careful. He let his AI scan the package and confirm him that the content wasn’t dangerous, but even then, he eyed it as if Pierce had sent it to him personally. Peter was already buzzing with eagerness and each second the Alpha took to investigate the packaging, his impatience grew. When Tony finally opened it, Peter held his breath. 

 “What’s that?” Tony asked, his voice neutral, although he probably already knew what it was.

 Peter tried his best to appear innocent. “A ring gag?”

 Tony’s face was still blank, but Peter could see how his eyes sparkled. “And why do I get a ring gag per mail?”

 Peter shrugged, fighting a smile that was spreading on his face. “Perhaps because I have ordered it?”

 Peter swallowed, the threat sounded promising, but he still wanted to explain it to his Daddy. “I-I called Bucky.” He could hear Tony sighed when he mentioned the other Omega. Steve had already told him what a brat Bucky could be. “And I a-asked him for ideas we could try out. You know, something new?” A quick gaze at his Daddy’s face confirmed that he was still up for the idea so far. “I t-told him, I love to p-please you and serve you and that I-I love it when you just take.” 

Tony growled, his impassive expression turned hungry. He was still holding the gag in his hands while he watched Peter out of the corner of his eyes. “Baby, I want you to tell me exactly what this is supposed to mean, or I’m gonna take you right here, right now, until you won’t be able to move for days.”

 A blush was creeping across his face and Peter had to pause for a second to regain his confidence. His next words were hushed and so fast that the Alpha almost didn’t understand him. “I want you to use me and fuck me and force yourself on me. I wanna be yours, Daddy. Completely.”

 The Alpha groaned; a mixture of arousal and anticipating. He took out the gag Peter had ordered and inspected it closer, turning it to get a better look. “You picked out a nice one, baby. Good quality. Not as exceptionally as you deserve, but until I’ll buy you a better one, we can work with this.”

 Peter shivered in anticipation when he heard his Daddy’s words. “So, we’re going to try it out?” He gave the Alpha a pleading look.

 Tony smiled and pressed a short but hungry kiss on his lips. “Yes, baby. I want to use you right now. You won’t be able to speak with it, I just want to hear you make noises. Do we understand each other?”

 “Yes, Daddy.” Peter had never heard him so firm, so dominating before and he could already feel himself getting wet, although they haven’t even started yet. 

 Tony was opening the gag while he gave Peter further introductions. “I want you to tap me twice when you want to safe word, so I won’t restrict your movements today, but I won’t stop, no matter how pitiful you’re whining.” Peter already made a pathetic sound from the words alone. “Now strip before I gag you and use you how I want.”

 Peter couldn’t remember ever taking off his clothes faster. He did his best to somewhat fold them and although they still look like a mess, his Daddy didn’t comment. When he was finally naked, Peter opened his mouth immediately. 

 “Look at you,” Tony purred, his gaze dark and predatory. “Already opening your mouth like an eager little slut. Do you need it that bad?” Peter could only whine when his Daddy traced his lips with two fingers, teasing him until the Alpha pressed his fingers in for the first time. 

 Peter’ body was slicking up while he took the digits with a moan, closing his lips around his Daddy’s knuckles and sucking on them as if he got fed his Daddy’s cock. His tongue was swirling around them, nudging them and playing with them until his Daddy pulled out again, leaving his jar achingly empty.

 “Don’t worry, little slut,” Tony said in response to his whine. “Open up now. Daddy will give you what you need.” 

 Without hesitation, Peter opened his mouth again and he could feel the cold metal the Alpha pressed between his lips. His jaw was forced wide open, a slight burn that went immediately to his cock. Fuck, this felt good, opening up for his Daddy like a whore with no other purpose. The Alpha hadn’t even fastened the clasp on the back of his head when Peter was already drooling, saliva dripping down his chin and inviting the Alpha to enter his mouth. 

 “God baby,” Tony groaned while he was adjusting his already hard cock in his pants. “Come on now baby, follow me. On your knees.”

 Peter dropped on the floor, less gracefully than he had intended, but he didn’t really care anymore. His Daddy went ahead and constantly turned around, watching Peter drool on the floor. They walked through the hallway back into the living room, and the Alpha stayed close the entire time, giving Peter the possibility to tab out with his safe word. 

 When they’ve reached the couch, Tony sat down again and spread his legs, giving Peter room to settle on the carpet in front of him. The Alpha turned the TV on and leaned back, caressing Peter’s head while he relaxed into the couch. For a long moment, neither of them spoke. Didn’t his Daddy promise to play with him? Didn’t his Daddy want to use him? Choke him on his knot? Peter couldn’t stop the whine that slipped past his lips. 

 Tony looked at him firmly. “What is this, baby? You told me to use you as I please, didn’t you?” Peter nodded, eager to get his Daddy’s cock into his mouth. His jaw was straining, and he drooled, excited to be used. “Then sit still. Daddy wants to watch TV. I’m not here to entertain you.”

 Peter managed not to move for only five minutes. Every drop of salvia that ran down his chin made him squirm and simultaneously, his slick ruined the carpet. He fought against the urge to move, fought the urge to gag on his Daddy’s cock, and when he moved his hips to get friction against his empty hole, the Alpha’s patience snapped.

 “Enough of that.” The disappointment in his Daddy’s voice made him whimper. “Over my lap, you little slut. It’s time I show you how to behave properly.”

 Yes, YES. Peter knew what this meant, knew his Daddy was going to bend him over his lap. He had wanted it for weeks, no, months, and he hurried to position himself how his Daddy wanted. He was lying naked over his Daddy’s thighs, his ass raised in the air and he could feel the fabric on his Daddy’s pants rubbing against his leaking cock. The anticipation was killing him, and he couldn’t hold still, squirming on his Daddy’s lap like a slut. 

 “God, look at you,” Tony cooed while his hands caressed the milky white globes, dipping between and spreading his slick everywhere. “The thought of being used by Daddy, of being spanked by Daddy gets you going, doesn’t it, boy? What do you think about ten?”

 Peter could only whimper, his sounds muffled by the gag. He wanted it, wanted his Daddy to spank him, to show him his place, but Tony dragged it out, told him how sweet he looked, how needy and willing. He was teasing Peter for such a long time that the Omega hadn’t expected it when the first slap hit. Peter wailed in pleasure, twisting on the Alpha’s lap while pain spread in his cheeks. It burned, it buzzed, it hurt, but it was amazing, a pain that was fueling the fire inside of him. 

 Suddenly, Peter couldn’t wait for the next slap. He arched his back, presented his ass enchantingly, just to get it back, get back the sharp pain which turned into a pleasant warmth. Why hadn’t they tried this sooner?

 “Look at you, baby,” Tony cooed while his hand hit the other side of Peter’s ass and made the Omega whimper in arousal. “This is what you have needed all along. A firm hand to show you who’s in charge. I’ve never known that my good boy is a little pain slut as well.”

 Peter mumbled something close to ‘yes, Daddy’, but he was still gagged, unable to form words. His cock was straining by now, each slap made him squirm on his Alpha’s lap, increasing the friction against his cock. 

 The third and the fourth hit were aimed at his thighs. His ass was tingling and burning, his thighs shaking in pleasure. Peter was sobbing, embracing the delicious pain while his tears were falling onto the carpet. His Daddy pressed his fingers between his lips which were still forced open by the gag and the heavy weight in his mouth was grounding him. 

 “You’re wet everywhere, sweetheart.” His Daddy thrusted his fingers in and out of Peter’s throat while the other hand was wandering between his cheeks. Peter felt debauched, obscenely open for his Daddy and slowly, his mind started to shut down, getting quieter and quieter every second. 

 When the fifth slap hit the middle of his cheeks again, Peter couldn’t even sob anymore. The different sensations were too much, too good, and he couldn’t do anything besides sucking on his Daddy’s fingers. The next slaps blurred together, a mixture of pain and pleasure until every cell of his body was burning. His mind drifted away, not completely gone but on the verge of it, and when the hands of his Daddy forced him to rub against the Alpha’s thighs, Peter was limp like a rag doll. 

 Tony touched his globes, kneading the flesh and fueling the pain with his grip. Peter’s hole leaked slick over his thighs, ruining his Daddy’s pants which were already strained by his precome. He could feel the thick bulge pressed against his stomach and every time he squirmed, every time he rubbed his erection against his Daddy, the thick cock was twitching in Tony’s pants.

 “Baby, are you still with me?” Tony asked and dug his fingernails in Peter’s ass. The Omega whimpered and tried to nod, using the last energy left to show his Daddy he was fine. He felt himself getting closer, closer to the edge and to the sweet space in the back of his mind. His Daddy hadn’t even touched his hole, hadn’t even given him a single finger where he needed it the most, but he could still feel the first signs of his orgasm. 

 With a lewd sound, Tony pulled his fingers out of Peter’s mouth and the Omega whined when his jaw was empty again. The gag still forced him open, made him drool all over the floor, but without his Daddy, it showed him even more how empty he was.

 “I want you to listen to me very closely, now,” Tony explained after he had given him a second to pull himself together. “I want you to open for me baby, show me your greedy hole. Show me where you want the last slap.”

 Oh god. Peter knew his Daddy was giving him a choice. It was up to him if he could handle it, he could decide if he wanted to stop. But the thought of his Daddy hitting him there, the thought of being vulnerable and at his Daddy’s mercy, was enough for Peter to let his hands wander behind his back. He grabbed his cheeks with his hands, pulling them apart although he hissed in pain, although the slight burn was turning into delicious pleasure. 

 “I treasure your trust, baby,” Tony said seriously, his fingers wandering between his cheeks and toying with the rim of his hole. Peter was so sensitive there, squirming on his Daddy’s lap and wanting nothing more than his Daddy filling him up. His cock was leaking, his ass burned, and Peter whimpered, desperate for another touch. 

 Just like his Daddy had promised, he raised his hand and let it dart down between Peter’s spread cheeks. The first thing the Omega noticed was the obscene smacking noise when the hand hit his slick hole. He was so wet, so eager for his Daddy’s touch that he was dripping everywhere. The second thing he noticed, a moment later, was the pain. It was bright-hot, nothing like the little burn he had felt before. It consumed him, took him under, and made him cry out. The line between pain and pleasure was thin and he was balancing at the edge, sensations crashing over him in waves. 

 Peter didn’t hear anymore that he was whimpering around the gag, didn’t hear the soothing noises of his Daddy and the comforting touches against his itching hole. The slick made the burn so much worse, so much better, and when the Alpha accidentally shifted his thighs and brushed against Peter’s leaking cock, it was over. 

 He was coming, nearly untouched, and bend over his Daddy’s lap. It was different than usual, less grounding, and more like floating. His body was completely limp, not moving an inch except his cock that was weakly twitching against his Daddy’s thigh, but his mind explored in sensations. Pleasure and pain, buzzing and burning, heat and wetness, everything was blurring together, exploding and pushing him over the cliff. He was flying for minutes, riding the high of the endorphins until he was falling again, caught by his Daddy and the sweet space in his head. 

 Everything was quiet, everything was right, and Peter drifted. It felt like he was lying on clouds, warm and fuzzy, and he was smiling brightly, content just to be. Nothing mattered anymore, nothing but the presence of his Daddy and his empty thoughts. He knew Tony was saying something, but the words didn’t make sense, just a lull of the deep smooth voice that was washing over him. 

 Some time had passed, a time he was just floating around, flying so high and far as he had never flown in his entire life. Peter had been in the sweet place before, had felt fuzzy and out of his body, but it had never been this long, this intense. He only noticed in the back of his mind that he was being moved. Tony manhandled him until he was kneeling on the carpet again, his face in front of his Daddy’s bulge.

 The noises of a zipper being opened got through the fog in his mind, and he felt something pressed against his spread lips. A heady scent was tingling his nose, arousal mixed the pure smell of his Daddy. He heard a groan, felt that something was entering his mouth, but everything else, the pain in his ass and his arching jaw, was still numb, overpowered by the fuzzy and blissed-out feeling. 

 Peter didn’t come back all of a sudden, it was a slow process that started with a slight burn on his cheeks. He could feel the fuzzy carpet caressing his sore ass first, the sensation light as a feather, but burning on his abused flesh. The second feeling he noticed was the slick mixed with his come that was spread everywhere, on his thighs, his stomach, even his back. 

 The last realization, that came back at the same time with the arch in his jaw, was Tony’s cock that filled his mouth, every vein and every bump that was pressed against the back of his throat. Peter had no chance to control it, his mouth still forced open with drool slipping past the gag and running down his chin. He shuddered, helplessly exposed for his Daddy to take. Tony didn’t care about Peter, the Omega had come anyway, instead, he was chasing his own pleasure, taking Peter’s mouth how he wanted. The feeling was everything for Peter, owned, claimed and used, perfect for his Alpha and at his mercy. 

 His body was still pliant, and Tony could thrust deeper than usual. Peter didn’t make any attempts to stop him, gagging only slightly while he basked in the attention, basked in the pleasure of his Daddy. His own cock was spent, his own pleasure nothing more than a distant buzz, but his Daddy’s cock was everything that mattered. 

 He could hear when the Alpha was getting close, could feel that his Daddy’s length hardened even further. His knot wouldn’t fit through the gag and as little attention as Tony was paying, he was still careful not to knot Peter’s mouth. The Omega had been wearing the ring gag long enough, his jaw had been forced open for almost an hour, and he couldn’t take the stretch for another thirty minutes. 

 As much as Peter would have liked to trigger the knot of his Daddy in his mouth, he wanted his come even more, wanted the evidence of his Daddy’s pleasure on his tongue. When the Alpha’s hips speed up for the last time, when his rhythm became erratic, Peter could taste the first hint of semen on his tongue. Swallowing with a gag was a struggle, but he fought, didn’t want to waste even a drop of his Daddy’s pleasure.

 “God, baby,” Tony growled while he was coming, a deep noise that ended in a content rumble. He was so much more composed when he came, not such a needy and begging mess like Peter, although he was hungry for it as well. The Omega loved it, loved the composed nature of his Daddy, and loved to make him come.

 A surge of bitter cum flooded his mouth, so filthy, so perfect that Peter fought to swallow as much as possible. He couldn’t catch everything; a few drops were running down his chin and he almost sobbed with the thought of wasting it. The Alpha knotted outside of his mouth, one hand wrapped around the bump at the base of his cock while he was riding out his orgasm. Peter was glad he was back from the sweet space in his mind, glad to have the taste of his Daddy on his tongue. 

 “You were amazing, baby,” Tony cooed when he came back down and he reached out, pulling Peter back onto his lap. The Omega hissed when his sore ass made contact with his Daddy’s thighs, but after he had shifted a little, the pain was bearable again. He felt amazing, pliant and relaxed, content to stay close to his Daddy.

 The Alpha caressed his back with one hand and opened the gag with the other one. Careful not to hurt him, Tony took out the gag and massaged his jaw until Peter could close his mouth again without pain. He was sore everywhere, but it felt so good to be used, so good to be owned and claimed. After Tony had ensured that Peter’s jaw was fine, he lifted him from his lap and laid him on the couch, burying the Omega under the softest blanket he could find. A few minutes later, Tony came back with a bottle of water and healing cream. 

 “I love you, baby,” The Alpha whispered into Peter’s ear and the Omega purred with happiness. Nothing felt better than his Daddy taking care of him. He drank a few gulps of water and enjoyed the hands of his Daddy rubbing the cream into his sore bottom.

 “Mhm, Daddy?” Peter slurred and turned his head to look Tony in the eyes. “’s was amazin’.” He grinned dopily and snuggled his face into the couch pillow again.

 “It was,” Tony agreed, affection filling his voice. “You were amazing, baby. Such a good Omega, such a good boy for me.”

 “Yours, Daddy.” Although Peter’s head was buried in a pillow, he still knew the Alpha was smiling. 

 “Alright, baby. You can nap a few minutes, and after that, I’m going to make dinner.”

 “Dinner?” Food sounded amazing; he was quite hungry after the amazing sex.

 “I ordered a plate of finger food. I can feed you while you’re lounging on the couch.” Peter smiled in the pillow and closed his eyes. His Daddy was the best Alpha in the whole wide world.

#starker #starkercestbingo2020

[lingthusiasm]

Transcript Episode 43: The grammar of singular they - Interview with Kirby Conrod

This is a transcript for Lingthusiasm Episode 43: The grammar of singular they - Interview with Kirby Conrod. It’s been lightly edited for readability. Listen to the episode here or wherever you get your podcasts. Links to studies mentioned and further reading can be found on the Episode 43 show notes page.

[Music]

Gretchen: Welcome to Lingthusiasm, a podcast that’s enthusiastic about linguistics! I’m Gretchen McCulloch. I’m here with Dr Kirby Conrod who’s a linguist at the University of Washington. But first, some announcements. The LingComm grant is still open until June 1st. You should apply for that if you have a linguistics communication project that you think will helped by a bit of money and a bit of support. There’s more details for that on the website at lingcomm.org. That’s “comm” with two Ms as in “communication.” We’ll link to that in the description as well.

[Music]

Gretchen: Hello, Kirby! Welcome to the podcast.

Kirby: Good morning. Thank you for having me.

Gretchen: Thank you so much for coming. I wanna start with the first question that we ask all of our guests which is, how did you get interested in linguistics?

Kirby: I have to preface this by saying that I didn’t know I was going to major in linguistics when I went to my undergrad for my four-year college. I got into UC Santa Cruz. It was lower on the list, but I ended up having an amazing time. When I was applying to colleges from high school, I thought I wanted to be an English major. I got to UC Santa Cruz and I realised, “Oh, my gosh! You guys don’t have an English major.” It’s just not a program that they have. So, I was like, “Okay. Well, I’m gonna make my own English major out of spare parts.” What I did was I decided, “Okay. I’m gonna double-major in literature and linguistics and that will make an English major.” What ended up happening was I essentially made, somehow, the opposite of an English major. It really ended up being the absolute perfect thing for me. 

What really cemented, like, linguistics is where I was going to stay for sure was my first syntax class in my first year of undergrad. The first day of class my professor, Jim McCloskey, walks into the class and says – and I’m a freshman. I’m a little baby at this point. He walks into the class and says, “This is probably the hardest class that this university offers. Please don’t take it for a grade.” I have to say it was good advice. It was very hard. Taking it pass/fail meant that I could really focus on what I was learning. This was a Syntax 1 class. Syntax is all about the idea that we can make an equation to put words together to produce only the real sentences of language and not the sentences that don’t happen in language. By the end of the quarter, you have a pretty good working model of what sentences can be. It’s not complete yet. It’s always an ongoing project. 

The other thing that really drew me to linguistics was that my instructors in undergrad were always really honest about this, and I try to be really honest too, about this is not a solved problem. This happens constantly – now that I’m teaching Syntax 1 and I’m on the other side of the room – it happens constantly that students will ask me questions that the answers don’t exist yet. It’s not that the answers aren’t out there. It’s that we haven’t figured it out yet. This happens all the time. As a student, to me, that was really moving and exciting of feeling like I could contribute something. There’s a lot that needs to be contributed. In undergrad, my instructors were very upfront about this of undergrads can and do produce new knowledge in their linguistics classes. Sometimes, undergrads go to conferences, present their work, do original research. It happens because there’s just a lot of unexplored space.

Gretchen: This was something I found really exciting as an undergrad as well that I can be looking at things and no one else has looked at this.

Kirby: It’s really, really cool. It’s one of these things that it gives you goose bumps to be sitting in a class and realise if I have an idea of how to deal with this, then I’m the first person to have this idea. I don’t have to just go back into the literature and find So-and-So has already solved this problem. It’s a matter of I can solve this problem. That’s really, really compelling.

Gretchen: You don’t have to go through 200 years or 500 years or 1,000 years of intellectual tradition of “I need to learn this entire history” before I can possibly make any sort of contribution to this area. It’s like this is a young field and there’s still stuff to do that.

Kirby: It feels like a math class where math isn’t finished being invented.

Gretchen: I guess there are still mathematicians who are inventing math, but you have to have a PhD in math before you know what math hasn’t been done yet.

Kirby: Whereas, very much it is the case that Syntax 1 students will run into new math in terms of syntax. It’s really cool and compelling to me.

Gretchen: This gets us into the next question which is, how did you get into your current research topic? What was the new thing that you were trying to figure out?

Kirby: I got into my current research topic when I got to grad school. I already knew that I wanted to study syntax, so I was taking syntax classes. In my first year of grad school was the first year that I was out as nonbinary and asking people to call me “they” and really being a participant in the trans community. Most of my friends were trans. The nonbinary stuff and the grad school in linguistics happened to me at the same time. 

What this meant was I was sitting in semantics or syntax classes and reading stuff in our textbooks about pronouns that I could just say, “Well, that’s factually wrong. That’s descriptively just not what happens.” The reason that I knew this was that I was in this situation where being very newly out as nonbinary and being very newly asking people to use these pronouns, it was the situation where people would use just sort of random pronouns about me. I got the full spread of the three big ones of people would call me “he” or “she” or “they” sort of at random. 

The other thing is that people would switch pronouns in the middle of the conversation and not necessarily notice it. Or I would constantly be having a conversation where one speaker – talking about the same person – one speaker is using one set of pronouns and the other speaker is using the other set of pronouns. None of this is something that can be adequately described in your grad school semantics or syntax textbook. What you’re going to see is something like, “Mary likes himself,” marked as ungrammatical. They’re gonna put the star on it and they’re gonna say, “This doesn’t happen.” As a trans person and as somebody with ears, I could just factually say that’s not true.

Gretchen: Because people are saying sentences like this all the time.

Kirby: People are saying sentences like this all the time. One of the things where I had this perspective that previous linguists had not had. So, I was really pulled to say I want syntax and semantics and sociolinguistics – I really want us to be able to explain this. Our theory is inadequate if we are throwing out data. This is something where the only time I would see this mentioned would be in footnotes of like, “Well, that’s not really relevant.” I was really pulled to say that is relevant. It’s relevant to me every day. I can’t get away from it. I came in knowing that I liked syntax first and being pulled towards thinking about gender and pronouns second because it was this apparently over-simplified area that left a lot of questions unanswered for me.

Gretchen: You’re like, “Look! I have this data and our current theory doesn’t account for that.”

Kirby: Exactly. That’s the thing that all syntacticians are doing all the time. It’s why we get really rowdy when you get a bunch of them in a room is because we all feel that excitement of there’s something that you can’t explain. You’ve given me an explanation that doesn’t explain everything. I have to make sure that people know about this.

Gretchen: And this idea that syntax should also be taking into consideration the variation in terms of how people use language and how different groups of people use language and learning from sociolinguistics about addressing these types of things better.

Kirby: Yeah. This is something where at my graduate institution where I got my PhD there is a lot of sociolinguistics. There is several sociolinguistic faculty. We have a lab. In my undergrad, we didn’t have sociolinguistics as a focus. We didn’t have any sociolinguistics faculty. It was very new to me. I was really excited by it because it feels like, yes, here’s all the complexity and diversity that my experience as a language user tells me it’s out there. Here's a way of thinking about it. As a syntactician, I’m really interested in incorporating the stuff that people are doing socially with language because I think if we’re building our model, our algorithm, of what are possible things to do, it is a little bit dishonest to be like, “Oh, but if you have this certain dialect, that’s a different thing and we’re just gonna ignore that data.” That feels a little dishonest. Then, the other thing is that it’s not the case that anybody speaks just one exact English. Everybody has some level of variation or multi-lectalism or your big box of forms that you have as an option.

Gretchen: I like to say that people talk differently to your boss than you do to your dog.

Kirby: Yeah. If I’m building a model that’s supposed to generate all the sentences, I wanna generate all the sentences. That includes ways of thinking about how you talk to your boss or your dog. For pronouns, this is so important because it does apparently seem to have grammatical consequences. It’s not just, “Oh, well, we’ll make the syntax part of it a little more vague and underspecified,” because there’re syntactic consequences where stuff has to agree with itself. If you use a pronoun in a sentence and then you’re gonna use another pronoun later, the rules are different than if you use a name and then use a pronoun later. The example I gave you of “Mary likes himself” where I said it sort of depends – I do hear people using pronouns in this way where it doesn’t seem to be totally linked to the name itself. A name is something that it really depends on who we’re thinking about in our mind. For example, my friend Rory who uses both “he” and “they,” you can say, “Rory likes themself,” and you can say, “Rory likes himself.” Those are both fine. Neither of them is misgendering them. But if I’m talking about Rory, even if we know that I’m talking about the same person – especially if we know that I’m talking about the same person – I can’t say, “He likes themself.”

Gretchen: Right. Because even though this person uses these two different pronouns, that makes it sound like you’re referring to two different people in the context of that one sentence.

Kirby: If I hold your head down and force you to say, “It’s the same person,” if I – like in my example – I’m like, “Okay. I put the little numbers on it to say I’m really talking about Rory both times,” then you’re gonna start saying, “Well, it’s ungrammatical. It’s weird to say this.” The rules seem to be really different for matching names and pronouns versus matching pronouns on pronouns, which indicates to me that there is something going on in the grammar itself, in the syntax part of it, and it’s not just social knowledge. It really has to be both parts of the puzzle to think about how we can explain what people are doing but also what people don’t do.

Gretchen: Because even within this “Oh, you have more options,” that doesn’t mean you have all of the possible hypothetical options.

Kirby: Yeah.

Gretchen: But you could do something like switching from one sentence to the next. Is that something people do? Like, “They like themself and he’s a good musician” or something like this.

Kirby: Yes. This is something where people do it about cis people – about not nonbinary people too. This is something where I noticed it in undergrad, actually. A friend of mine was telling us he had gone on a hot date last night. We knew what kind of gender that he was dating. So, it wasn’t that we didn’t know the likely gender of who he was talking about. But he was telling us the story about this hot date using “they” the whole time and saying, “Oh, yeah, they picked me up. They were driving this beautiful car” and stuff like this. Then, a ways into the story he started using “he” for a while, while talking about getting drinks at the bar of like, “Oh, he bought me this beautiful cocktail.” At the end of the story, he switched back to “they” of like, “I don’t know if I’m gonna text them again.”

Gretchen: Interesting. Like, as this person was getting more intimate in the story with this person they’re switching to a more, I guess, specific gender in this context. Then, when they’re saying, “Oh, I’m not sure if I’m gonna talk to them again” –

Kirby: This is something where it’s not the case that my friend’s date uses two sets of pronouns necessarily. The thing about “they” in particular is that it doesn’t tell you anything about the gender. It can imply things, but it can’t specifically tell you things. People have the option to use “they” pretty much all the time. People do use it to give you a little more detail and a little less detail. When they’re giving you more detail, sometimes that can give you additional of meaning of like, “I want you to know this is an important part of the kind of relationship that I’m talking about.” When they give you a little bit less detail, sometimes it’s like, “Well, gender’s kind of not relevant for this part. This is the part where I don’t think it’s important to talk about the specific gender of the person.” 

It’s not that the gender stopped existing. It’s just that we have this option of turning the dial up of how much we wanna include. This opportunity to switch and change pronouns in some contexts but not others is something that also brought up a bunch of questions for me as a student in graduate school learning about sociolinguistics because the other thing is that sociolinguists talk about gender, but they talk about it in the very binary way – or up until a certain point. They’re starting to really grapple with this. 

Reading my Sociolinguistics 1 and 2 papers, there’s a lot of, “Men do this, and women do this.” Or “Men mostly do this, and women mostly do this.” No mention of nonbinary people. For one thing, they did not include any in the study. For another thing, many of the authors of early sociolinguistics work just didn’t really have access to LGBT communities in the 60s and 70s. Or it was really separated from mainstream communities in a way that made it hard to compare directly. Reading these studies as an early student of sociolinguistics and being nonbinary in my first and second year of grad school, saying, “None of this applies to me. You can’t explain anything I do under this model” and really feeling like we have to develop the theory to be able to explain everything that’s happening not just the stuff that we don’t decide is weird.

Gretchen: Exactly. What’s the point in having a theory if you’re saying we’re only gonna try to explain some of this data and just ignore a whole bunch that doesn’t fit with the theory?

Kirby: My motivation for pursuing my work in pronouns, and especially my work with nonbinary and trans pronouns, has been all about answering those questions that came up for me very early in my graduate school and saying I think our way of doing this is not sophisticated enough. I really want to push us further.

Gretchen: What are some answers or glimmerings towards answers that you’ve ended up with?

Kirby: One of the things that I’m trying to discuss with people is that there’re a bunch of other kinds of pronouns in languages besides English, and English has had these in the past, but pronouns that encode this very social information in the way that gender is and still have grammatical consequences. We’ve just been not using this model to explain what’s going on with gender.

Gretchen: Things like formal versus informal “you” and these kinds of things?

Kirby: Exactly. One of the things that I’ve come up with is if we think of this existing thing, and there’s some really great research in Spanish of Latin America where people will switch between “tu” and “usted” and “voseo” – “tu” being the informal “you,” and “usted” being a formal “you,” and “voseo” is a form of the verb agreement. The verbs will change depending on the forms. There’s some great work within the last few years about, yeah, people totally switch in the middle of the conversation and they totally switch in the middle of the conversation as a way of accomplishing certain social goals. 

This example given by Raymond 2016 where a 911 caller – he’s a tourist. He’s speaking Spanish and he’s calling and talking to the 911 dispatcher. At the beginning of the conversation, he’s trying to say, “I got scammed at this hotel.” He’s very indignant. He’s using “tu” to the dispatcher as a way of interacting of like, “You are a service person” in the way that you speak down to or, if you’re rude, you speak down to people who are providing you a service in certain ways.

Gretchen: Kind of registering his anger by not being polite.

Kirby: Yeah. Later in the conversation, when she’s starting to ask for paperwork or receipts or stuff and he’s starting to get nervous, he switches to the “usted” forms because – so Raymond conceptualises that the reason for this is that he now sees her as a gatekeeper to something that he wants. Now, he has to appease her rather than talk down to her. This is the thing of this all happens with gender too. It’s a little bit more abstract because the social relationships that we’re talking about are not up or down. You can map them onto hierarchies, but they don’t cleanly follow. Thinking about systems that refer to people’s gender, and especially systems that encode people’s gender directly into the grammar in some way, as more similar to systems that encode formality or honorific marking is a really useful model. It’s a really good way of getting away from the rigid binary models that we’ve looked at before.

Gretchen: Because the idea is that honorifics, everyone knows that they change in a given social interaction and people can switch to using a different form of “you” to address somebody or a different form of even “I” – like Japanese has all these different forms of “I” depending on how polite you wanna be.

Kirby: And depending on gender and depending on specific age – yeah. There’s a lot of rich expressive content there. Basically, the idea that comes out of my research is that you can use gender features – and I’m doing air quotes, “gender features” – where you can use pronouns in English but you can also use other parts of speech that are more grammatical to do that work via gender marking.

Gretchen: What’s an example of that?

Kirby: I’m gonna give you an example from Ru Paul’s Drag Race.

Gretchen: Excellent.

Kirby: This was very early on in a season. A contestant is not doing well. This is the contestant who is actually eliminated first. Have you watched Ru Paul’s Drag Race?

Gretchen: I may have seen an episode at some point but I’m not particularly familiar, so you should proceed as though I know nothing.

Kirby: One of things you’ll notice when you watch the show is that the contestants and the judges mostly use “she” for the contestants who are all drag queens but not always. It depends on how they feel about a particular queen. 

What you see with this contestant who’s getting eliminated very early in the season, the lead up to her elimination is the usual reality TV of they do confessional shots where they’re talking about each other and then the judges are talking shit about contestants in the way that one does on reality TV. The contestant who’s going to get eliminated – I mean, they set this up pretty clearly. They’re going to eliminate her at the end of the episode. They talk a lot about how she is struggling with the performance. She’s not doing a good job with her costume construction or deciding how to do the performing art of drag. When they’re talking about her in her way of not being a good performer, they use “he.”

Gretchen: Okay. Like, “You’re not performing femininity well, so we’re not gonna use this pronoun”?

Kirby: It’s not exactly about not performing femininity well because none of them talk about her not being convincing as a drag queen. They’re mostly talking about her not being skilled as a drag queen. If you think about it as a type of performing art in the same way that opera or ballet or river dancing are all specific types of performing art that you can be good or bad at – and the specific thing about drag performance is that if you are good or bad at the specific performing art, you get different pronouns. 

This contestant was not less feminine than the other drag queens. It’s that she was not good at dancing, which this is conceptually a little bit further away from she’s not very feminine. That was not the issue. It was not the issue that any of the judges or other contestants were talking about. They were talking about, you know, “She’s not good at dancing,” or “She’s not good at organising her time so she has enough time in the time period to construct a good costume out of garbage,” or whatever the reality TV challenge is – the thing of there’s always a time limit. Part of the thing of succeeding at the time limit is budgeting your time. If you’re not good at that, then you’re gonna do poorly in the contest.

Gretchen: That’s not really gender.

Kirby: It’s not gender. But using “he” as a way of layering meaning on top of that – and they didn’t call her “he” the whole episode. They did it only when they were specifically talking about her poor performance.

Gretchen: Interesting. So, it’s accomplishing this very specific sub-goal.

Kirby: Yes. This is obviously a very locally constrained use of that meaning, but it’s very productive – meaning that people can use those meanings to accomplish a lot of different goals and they can do it without really thinking about it. They can extend the meaning and be very creative with it. This is the thing that really, to me, indicates these are up for meaning making in the same way that “tu” and “usted” are up for meaning making which is sometimes “tu” and “usted” mean “I’m older and more senior than you,” but sometimes, they mean “I need something from you.

Gretchen: There’s this incredibly complicated flow chart about when to use “tu” versus “vous” in French. One of the questions is like, “Are you feeling lucky, punk?” and if you’re feeling lucky, you use “tu,” and if you’re not feeling lucky, you use “vous.” Sometimes, these decisions are microsocial decisions in a particular instance where you’re saying, “Here’s what I’m doing kind of.”

Kirby: Essentially, my contribution here is saying that that flow chart of “Are you feeling lucky, punk?” and a lot of microsocial decisions applies just as well to gender as it applies to formal pronouns. What this does is it means that we can conceptualise pronouns as more similar cross-linguistically rather than more different. This is a hard project because it doesn’t look like pronouns are a natural class – meaning that they’re not made out of the same stuff in every language. Languages generally need pronouns as a way to avoid saying the same name over and over again. What this ends up doing is encoding social information to varying degrees.

Gretchen: There are lots of languages that don’t have gender in pronouns at all.

Kirby: The majority of the world’s languages have no gender marking on their pronouns. The “he/she” thing in English, we’re in a minority position here.

Gretchen: It’s this weird artificial thing of Indo-European languages often have gender pronouns, but outside of Europe, very few languages do.

Kirby: If you’re gonna only compare cousins and then say that you found a fact about all humans, you have a pretty serious confound there in that they are related.

Gretchen: It turns out all humans have red hair.

Kirby: Yeah. Because I looked at all the Weasleys and they all have red hair and so all humans have red hair. It’s nonsensical to do that kind of comparison and only look at Indo-European languages because they are related. You are going to get some factors that there’s no reason to assume that’s universal.

Gretchen: You’ve done surveys of how English speakers use pronouns has been changing demographically as well – like by age.

Kirby: Yes. When I’ve been doing these surveys, my biggest survey was looking at “singular they.” Singular they has been in English for hundreds of years. There’s lots of work on this.

Gretchen: It’s in Shakespeare. It’s in Chaucer. All of this stuff.

Kirby: It’s been around. But the kind of singular they that’s been around is not the kind that I use as a nonbinary person. The different kinds of singular they are something like, okay, “Someone forgot their backpack.”

Gretchen: You don’t know whose backpack it is.

Kirby: Or “Each linguist should grab their nametag.”

Gretchen: I think the example from Shakespeare is, “There’s not a man I meet but doth salute me as if were their well-acquainted friend.” Here, it’s interesting because you have “man” there, but he’s clearly this man in a somewhat generic sense and using the “they” there rather than, “There’s not a man I meet but does salute me as if I were his well-acquainted friend,” which would be more this specific “men.”

Kirby: This is interesting because you’ll also see sentences like, “Pregnant women should always be given their parental leave.” We’re definitely talking about women, so it’s not the case that it’s just like, “Oh, well, Shakespeare thinks that man is the default kind of person.” No. It’s also the case that you’ll see that kind of generic singular they with “woman,” but the thing is that we’re talking about a set of people. We’re talking about a bunch of people in a group and then saying each one does their thing, which is different than talking about a specific person. 

The new use is something like, “Kirby forgot their backpack.” I’m a singular they user, meaning that I don’t want to be referred to by “he” or “she” or anything else. I want to be referred to by “they.” It is also the case that this can happen whether or not we’re talking about someone who prefers that. Using “they” about a particular person is syntactically different than using “they” about a group of people that is singular because I’m talking about each one individually. So, “Each student forgot their backpack” is different than “Kirby forgot their backpack.” “Kirby” is a specific person.

Gretchen: Right. We can point to that person. “Each person forgot their backpack” is, if I’m pointing to each person, I have to do a bunch of different pointing.

Kirby: Yes. When I did my big survey, what I found was that use of the specific one – and I tested it by using names. I actually tested it using a bunch of different gendered names and I compared it with other pronouns as well. I did masculine and feminine and gender-neutral names with “they” – singular – and “he” and “she” to just see if there’s a difference. What I found was that there is a difference, but not for everybody. Older speakers do find it a little bit less natural sounding when I use a name and singular they. It’s different than when I use a name and “he” or “she.” Younger speakers – and the age cut off is around 35, basically millennials on down – younger speakers really don’t have a problem with it en masse. Most of them find it fine and they’ll rate it as “This is just a normal sentence.” Obviously, there are individual people who are like, “No. That sounds weird to me.” But it’s not as many. When you chart it all out, it really looks like there’s a slope that, as you look at older people, they have a harder time accepting that as part of the grammar or part of their unconscious syntax.

Gretchen: Is this a thing that some older people are managing to do it, it depends on how queer friends they have? Or is it like a –

Kirby: The studies on this are very new. To sort of triangulate across my research and some of Lauren Ackerman’s and some of Evan Bradley’s, it looks like, in general, if you have more nonbinary friends then you’re better with singular they. That makes sense. That’s Lauren Ackerman’s study. In general, if you are trans or nonbinary yourself, you’re better with singular they. Binary trans men and women are, in general, better with singular they than cis people in general. Nonbinary people are sort of obviously fine with it.

Gretchen: Like, “Oh, look! I do this myself, so I guess I better practice it a lot” or whatever.

Kirby: The other thing that influences it then – I’m talking about three different studies. We haven’t combined forces yet. This is all stuff that’s been published within the last two years. It’s very, very fresh off the presses.

Gretchen: This is cutting-edge linguistic research.

Kirby: It’s extremely cutting edge. Lauren Ackerman’s stuff is saying if you have more nonbinary friends, you’re better with singular they. I can say, “Okay. If you’re younger and/or trans and/or nonbinary yourself, you’re better with singular they.” Evan Bradley has been looking at people’s feelings about prescriptivism and feelings about gender ideology. People who have more prescriptive opinions in general are worse with singular they. Also, people who have – this is what he calls “benevolent sexism,” which is not “Oh, I hate women and I’m gonna oppress them” –

Gretchen: It’s like, “I’m gonna hold open the door for all the women.”

Kirby: Yeah. Benevolent sexism is sort of “I think that people of different sexes have fundamental differences and different needs based on their sex.” If you have that benevolent sexism, you’re more likely to be worse at singular they. It’s related to this idea that there are binary baseline categories of people.

Gretchen: I found for me that acquiring singular they, which I feel like I’ve done in the past couple years because I know more nonbinary and agender people who use singular they as a pronoun, and at first it took a conscious thought, which is kind of like acquiring a language but in an easier way. I also have to do this conscious thought when I’m speaking French and I’m figuring out am I using “tu” or “vous” or am I doing this thing in French. It takes a bit off extra thought, but it doesn’t mean that adults can’t acquire a language because adults clearly do learn languages. This is not learning an entire language. It’s doing something like that, but I think I had to believe that it was worth doing this additional bit of conscious effort in order to actually do it.

Kirby: Yes. All the singular they researchers agree that the next step is figuring out, what is the factor that makes it easier for some people to learn it and not for other people? You’re not the first person that I’ve talked to who has said, “Yeah. I’ve learned it in the past couple years” or “I’ve made an effort to learn it.” I also have people who have said, “I just kind of picked it up from around me,” but as an adult. Not something where the Zoomers – the very young Gen Z people – who are coming into my freshman classes with singular they already. They’re acquiring it as children. They don’t have to do any work. They already have it. 

It is the case that some adults seem to be able to acquire it on purpose, and some adults seem to want to acquire it but really can’t, or they report significant difficulty. You will get people – and it doesn’t seem to be correlated with age. We need to do studies about this. We haven’t done it yet because we all need some resources to be able to do that. But there are people who say, “I’m really trying to learn singular they, but I mess up often.” Well, people will frequently under-report how much they mess up. You will frequently say – if you look at somebody who is saying, “I’m trying to do better but I do make mistakes” – they’ll usually say, “Yeah. I make one or two mistakes.” Then, you’ll actually look at what they’ve said, and they mess up almost constantly. We don’t really know yet what the issue is that makes it easier for some people to learn it.

Gretchen: Or something like intimacy? I notice this on the internet especially because you don’t have as many cues on the internet. Oftentimes, if you’re referring to a commenter above you in a thread and all you know is that the commenter’s initials are J.D. or something, you really have no information about this commenter, people will often use “they” to refer to the previous commenter. Whereas, if somebody knows me, one of the ways that I can tell that they know me is that they’re actually using “she/her” for me as opposed to using the generic “they” of the comment thread. It maybe signals a kind of intimacy.

Kirby: This is something that Leah Velleman has talked about – I cite her in my dissertation because it’s a great idea – something called “distal they,” where it’s a use of singular they that ends up implying social distance, essentially what you explained of like, “Well, if they knew me, they would be using a more specific form.” 

It’s in the same way that using someone’s name, and especially first name, implies familiarity. It’s not necessarily that a first name has some sort of grammatical feature of familiarity. It’s just that it implies that you have enough social contact to know their first name, also they’re not gonna get mad at you for using it and this sort of thing. That way of using “they” to mark social distance or social closeness, if you have an option of a more specific pronoun, is something that falls out of how specific and how much information am I giving you about this person’s social position. I assume if it were relevant or if you had more information, you would be giving me more information, and if you had less information, that might be why you’re using this underspecified, vague form.

Gretchen: We’ve talked about people acquiring singular they very consciously and putting in this effort to do that. Did you also study why people are putting in this effort to organise their syntax? People don’t do this all the time.

Kirby: I’m gonna do a rude thing to you. You told me that this is something that you have learned on purpose. You made an effort to learn it. Why did you do that?

Gretchen: I mean, it seemed like the polite thing to do – the “being a considerate human” thing to do. If someone says, “Please, call me this,” then I either need to do that or I need to accept this person’s not gonna like me anymore.

Kirby: That’s the motivation. As far as I can tell you, and I haven’t yet gotten into the formal research, but it seems like – people volunteer the information to me pretty frequently – that the reason somebody would decide to change their grammar on purpose is to avoid doing this thing that’s baked into their grammar that ends up being very rude. Misgendering somebody is very rude. It is rude whether you do it to a trans person or a cis person. It just so happens that it happens to trans people a lot more often. 

You’re asking me, why are people acquiring this? And the answer that you had given me yourself is, “I don’t wanna misgender people. It’s rude.” It’s rude to call somebody by the wrong name. It’s rude to just decide to give somebody a name that they don’t identify with. I think that a lot of people can say, if you just come up to me and say, “Hey, I’m gonna call you ‘Champ,’” maybe I don’t want you to call me “Champ,” actually. Maybe I don’t like to be called “Champ.” People really don’t like that feeling of being called something that doesn’t reflect what you think you are. If you know any nonbinary people, you have this motivation to not misgender them. 

A really sweet story that I can share, when my friend changed their pronouns to “they,” one of the things that their cis friends did was they decided, “Okay. We’re gonna hang out” – they all lived together. They were all roommates. “We’re gonna hang out today. We’re gonna all clean the house. We’re gonna talk about them all day and tell stories about them to practice – to practice where they don’t have to hear us mess up.”

Gretchen: Oh, nice. The friend wasn’t there. It was just all of their cis friends saying, “We’re gonna practice.”

Kirby: Yeah. This friend came back – came over the next week – and everybody was already perfect at it because they had dedicated an eight-hour day of just doing that and correcting each other and getting the practice out of the way before it’s gonna hurt somebody’s feelings. That practice phase is something that’s really useful. Asking a bunch of friends to spend eight hours cleaning is something that not everybody has time to do. 

The other thing that you can do is something like tell a story about the person and encourage yourself to practice self-correcting because it’s in this way where you’re doing it not in front of them, so you can get all your mistakes out of your system not in front of them. You’re not asking the person to do the emotional labour of correcting you every time. You’re just doing it out of the way, so they don’t have to be on your case.

Gretchen: The social awkwardness of like, “Oh, do I speak up and then make this conversation about that or do I let it slide?” But then maybe they’ll keep doing it, and this is something that’s hurtful.

Kirby: You can do that work without burdening the person because, okay, for my example, if I spent as much time in the beginning of my transition and grad school at the same time, I spent a lot of time correcting people and sending emails and really insisting. It took up a lot of time. I have to do it –

Gretchen: You’re trying to do a whole bunch of other stuff as well.

Kirby: Also, I was in grad school. I was very busy. I had to do this with everybody. If people took it upon themselves to get good it on their own, that was one fewer of my friends and family that I had to worry about tutoring. My sister just did it on her own and practiced and doesn’t mess up in front of me. It’s fine. It means that I never have to put my mental time and budget for correcting.

Gretchen: I think there are a lot of tips that people can have of, “Oh, this does seem like a thing that I wanna do of like I do wanna respect people and I do wanna not hurt people,” but you’re the individual pieces of that. And you’re putting together a guide?

Kirby: It’s not just me. I am absolutely indebted to the work of Bronwyn Bjorkman and Lex Konnelly who put together the They 2019 conference, which was a linguistics conference and was focused completely on nonbinary and trans pronoun use. One of the outputs of this conference is that everybody who attends is collaborating on materials and ways that we’re going to share our research findings for people to use in their real lives. 

We are putting together brochures of – how do you practice? How do you learn? How can you help people? These are something that we’re trying to make very accessible and trying to make it very straightforward and shame free and all about allowing people to decide what they want to accomplish with their grammar because deciding to acquire a grammatical feature on purpose is making the decision that you’re gonna rewrite something totally unconscious as a way to stop hurting people. That takes work. But even making the decision in the first place is really important.

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Gretchen: For more Lingthusiasm and links to all the things mentioned in this episode, go to lingthusiasm.com. You can listen to us on iTunes, Google Play Music, SoundCloud, or wherever else you get your podcasts. You can follow @Lingthusiasm on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and Tumblr. You can get IPA scarves and other Lingthusiasm merch at lingthusiasm.com/merch. Lauren tweets and blogs as Superlinguo. I can be found as @GretchenAMcC on Twitter, my blog is AllThingsLinguistic.com, and my book is Because Internet. You can follow Kirby Conrod, our guest, on Twitter as @kirbyconrod. 

To listen to bonus episodes and help keep the show ad-free, go to patreon.com/lingthusiasm or follow the links from our website. Current bonus topics include teaching advice for linguistics and a very special episode of Lingthusiasm written by robots. Can’t afford to pledge? That’s okay, too. We also really appreciate if you can recommend Lingthusiasm to anyone who needs a little more linguistics in their life. Lingthusiasm is created and produced by Gretchen McCulloch and Lauren Gawne. Our senior producer is Claire Gawne, and our editorial producer is Sarah Dopierala, and our music is by The Triangles. I will leave you with our guest.

Kirby: Stay lingthusiastic!

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