#but im just so tired of seeing art youtube going down this need to tell folks 'YOURE DOING IT ALL WRONG. THIS IS THE RIGHT WAY" | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bunnieplvshie · 3 years

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the raid-- where it all started

request: A meet cute with Sapnap where he raids your channel after he closes up his stream, and you don’t know who Sapnap is while ur chat is freaking out and Sapnap is still kinda huffy about it in his call with Dream and George? Maybe even to the point that he’d set up a time for you two to stream together, just so he could show off his Minecraft skills and make sure u remembered him? I crave Sapnap in denial about his feelings, dude-

you rubbed your eyes, they were burning due to the fact that you’ve been streaming for upwards of four hours at this point. “okay chat, i’m getting pretty tired, i might end the stream in about an hour,” you said, fatigue lacing your voice.

your eyes scanned the chat for their replies; some were happy you were finally about to get some sleep, others were begging you to stay on for a bit longer than what you had told them. “i know, i know, my streams are pretty cool but at this point i’ve been on for a bit too long. just for you guys, i’ll stay for just an hour and a half, that’s the best i can do.”

you unpaused the minecraft screen, continuing the build onto your farm and gathering supplies for your next build. all of a sudden, you begin to see that there is a spike in subscribers and viewers- a raid, you knew one when you saw it. “thank you to whoever sent that! it seriously means a lot,” you exclaimed, showing your gratitude to the chat.

a donation rolled onto your screen as your computer started to chant the message from some strange name- sapnap? “i like your game play, thought you deserved the few extra subscriptions.”

“that’s a strange name, cute. but thank you sapnap, it means a lot!”

your chat was going nuts, freaking out that this person had raided your channel. many were saying that they can’t believe sapnap raided you, others were starstruck that THE sapnap was actively watching your channel.

one chat caught your eye specifically, the one asking if you even knew who the mysterious user was. “no, i can’t say i’ve ever heard of a sapnap, im sorry,” you said as you were googling his name- oh, a fellow minecraft streamer, one who apparently had a lot of traffic on twitch and youtube, as well as other social media platforms.

another donation from him came in. “do you seriously not know who i am,” it read. “no, sapnap, i’m sorry! but i seriously thank you for the raid,” you laughed, that must’ve gotten under his skin. you decided to go over to twitter, following him. “okay sapnap, i followed you on twitter, i hope that makes up for my confusion.”

the chat was crazier than usual, you couldn’t even read it at this point because so many messages were rolling in, coincidentally all about this sapnap. once your phone let off an annoying bell sound, you looked down and realized that sapnap had followed you back- not only that, but he also sent you a message. you clicked on the discord link that he gave you, automatically going to the voice chat tab.

“do you seriously not know who i am? your whole chat knows me but you don't,” the man behind the screen let out a somewhat humorous grunt indicating that he wasn’t genuinely mad, he was more amused. “listen, i don’t really watch other streamers, i just stream myself and hope that’s enough,” you said, laughing along as you heard him giggle from the other side. “well, join a server with me, let me show you what you’re missing,” he said.

automatically, another user under the name of dream unmuted himself. he sounded as if he was screaming and laughing at the same time. “nick, please for the love of god stop simping over every single woman who gives you the slightest bit of attention,” dream said, while sapnap was yelling at him to shut up and re-mute himself.

(time skip)

after about an hour of playing with nick, both of your chats absolutely freaking out, you figured it was about time to hop off and get to bed. “okay sapnap, you proved me wrong, you’re actually better than i expected.” he laughed, “i figured i’d show you up at some point, but i agree, you probably need to get some rest, but tomorrow we’re streaming together again, there’s no way out of it.”

you both said some quick goodbyes before disconnecting from the discord, watching as your chat still kept rolling in. everyone was absolutely in awe that you got the chance to play with sapnap but they were even more excited that there would obviously be another stream with the new duo tomorrow. you waved, telling the chat that you would be on tomorrow at the same time, and to turn your notifications on. and with that, you were off the stream, getting ready for bed.

throughout the whole night there was no sleep. instead, you and nick texted each other back and forth, enjoying each other’s companies and aweing over the similarities you both had. you had to give it to twitter, the fan art had already been trending, they work fast. everyone on both platforms were excited that their favorite streamers were coming together finally.

you felt content, as well did nick, and from that point on you were implemented into the dream smp and everyone knew that you and nick were the ultimate duo- there was no getting in between that bond.

author’s note: okay so i will be releasing a part two where i will be showcasing nick’s point of view into this story instead of just the readers. i’ll be going into more detail of the “nick’s in denial of his feelings” part and will be extending it to where they inevitably end up dating or something. stay tuned and thank you for the support!

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tteokggukk · 4 years

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welcome to my youtube channel → kth

✳ pairing: idol!taehyung x youtuber!reader

✳ genre: fluff, taehyung scenario, stranger to lovers, reader is an artist who posts art videos on youtube

✳ warnings: none!

✳ words: 2.9k

✳ a/n: hello, this is my second bts oneshot/scenario. i just like to write for fun but if you’d like to let me know if there’s anything i can improve on please do so! i’d love to know how to improve. anyways, i hope you enjoy!

"Hey guys, welcome to my YouTube Channel."

You spoke in front of the camera. Sets of acrylic paint were spread out across the table next to a stand that held an 18x24 inch canvas. You were in the middle of making your seventeenth video, a highly requested one at that, and deep down you were ecstatic to start working on the painting.

Never in your life did you think you would ever start a YouTube account. You always considered yourself a very shy and private person, not one to go out of their way and broadcast themselves all over the internet. Your best friends, however, were two very well-known YouTubers and always found a way to include you in their videos and live streams. Somehow people liked seeing more of you, and so you were convinced by your best friends and the audience to start your own YouTube channel.

But you weren't very accustomed to bringing a camera everywhere with you to document and share whatever was happening in your daily life, you found it too awkward and you were still camera-shy, so you decided to create content in a way that would still keep you comfortable while doing something you loved.

An art channel.

Your channel blew up pretty fast. Requests started pouring in here and there. You became known for your very calm demeanor and artistic skills, so you took this as an opportunity to sell your works online as a way to earn some extra money for your future. Occasionally, you'd do lives to talk to your fans and you were happy at the support they showed you, which only encouraged you to keep making videos.

"This was a highly requested video, and I honestly can't wait to get started," you told the camera, mentally telling yourself to insert the comments and messages you got in your DMs to paint this Adonis-like human being. The requests started coming in after you had an Instagram live where you did some quick sketches while playing some of your favorite songs in the back, and people noticed one of the songs you played was by him.

"You guys also asked if I could sell this painting, but because of the "high demand"," you spoke, adding air quotes, "I'd like to keep it up for auction so the proceeds could go to different fundraisers."

You started mixing different colors in your palette and showed everyone the picture for your reference.

"So, without further ado, today I will be painting Kim Taehyung."

"Hey guys, welcome to my YouTube Channel."

Taehyung watched as you spoke in the video, looking behind you to see a bunch of art materials. The title of the video was left ambiguously, only being named most requested video, leaving him no clue on what it was you were going to create this time.

He's been watching your videos for quite some time now, ever since your channel started rising. Art was one of his major interests and he absolutely adored the way you made your videos with the calming, ASMR-like sound of mixing paint and how you skillfully glided the brush across the canvas. On days when he found himself tired and in need of a quick way to relax, he'd subconsciously find himself binge watching videos on your channel— even repeating several videos since you were only starting. He found it fascinating, but also because he found you interesting.

Because of your channel, he even created an anonymous YouTube account just to leave nice comments on your videos along with a private Instagram account to be able to watch your lives.

Needless to say, he didn't miss that one live where you played the song Winter Bear. It made his whole night, making him sleep with a smile on his face.

"This was a highly requested video, and I honestly can't wait to get started."

He watched as a bunch of comments started appearing onscreen popping up one by one as they gradually got faster, eventually covering you. It took a moment before it sunk in that he was the highly requested person they wanted you to paint. He paused the video, wide-eyed, before shouting in excitement. Jimin had to come in and check what the whole commotion was about.

"Y/n's going to paint me!" Taehyung exclaimed, his mouth turning into his famous boxy smile.

"Ah, the YouTuber you really like?" Jimin smiles before sitting down next to Taehyung who continued playing the video, "I wanna see."

"You guys also asked if I could sell this painting, but because of the "high demand", I'd like to keep it up for auction so the proceeds could go to different fundraisers."

"Wow, she seems really kind," Jimin says, while Taehyung only nods, his eyes glued to the screen.

"So, without further ado, today I will be painting Kim Taehyung."

He felt his heart beat fast when you mentioned his name, and without realizing it his ears have gone all red.

On screen, you began sketching, "You guys have also been sending me a lot of questions lately, which is why I decided to tweet about doing a q&a."

"What questions did you ask?" Jimin asked Taehyung.

"I asked her if being an artist is something she'd like to pursue," Taehyung told him.

"Ooooh, trying to get to know her," Jimin teases, "Our little Taehyungie has a celebrity crush."

Taehyung rolls his eyes but breaks out into a grin anyway, "I just respect her artistry."

"Right, okay," Jimin snickers, obviously not buying it.

Taehyung knew he was telling the truth, though. It was impossible to have feelings for someone who you only knew through a screen. He found you attractive for sure, but he of all people would know that almost no one is completely one-hundred percent themselves on screen. Genuine as you may be, there are still things that are best kept to yourself. He couldn’t lie though, if given the chance to get to know you, he’d never pass up on that offer.

"Someone asked why I don't use that much ready-made paint," You spoke on screen, "It's ‘cause I learn a lot from mixing my own colors, and also I just really enjoy it."

The painting was beginning to come together halfway through the video and Taehyung's question finally made its way to you. "Kimyeontan95 asks, ‘is painting a career you want to pursue? I love your work, by the way’."

"That was basically I love you," Jimin holds back a laugh, earning him a light punch in the arm from Taehyung.

"Thank you so much, kimyeontan95, and no, painting is just a hobby of mine and a way to earn some future savings. I actually really want to be a novelist."

Taehyung smiled after hearing you answer his question. Later on, the video was over and his portrait was complete. He hurriedly redirected himself to the link that was provided for the auction.

Something in him wanted to have that painting no matter what, so he set himself as the highest bidder and eventually had it mailed to his home where he put your work up in his room to cherish.

A day after your video was posted, you woke up to a thousand notifications from your phone. Hundreds of people were mentioning you in tweets and you had numerous missed calls from your best friends and some texts telling you to check your online art shop. You groggily scroll through your feed, a bit confused as to what was happening.

I wanted to buy this painting and I had it in my list, but now it's unavailable!

Y'ALL WHAT RICH KID SET THE HIGHEST BID TO A MILLION DOLLARS IM CRYING

@yourtwittername are you planning to sell a new collection?

a million dollar bid wtf swownwowksodiowl

Someone just bought all of @yourtwitterusername's paintings. I'm crying in broke eye—

but like what if taehyung set that bid? @yourtwitterusername

What?

I just woke up and my mentions are pouring. What is going on? You tweeted.

Thousands of replies began coming in leaving you feeling overwhelmed and confused on where to start. Everyone was telling you to check your site, and so you did. You felt your heart almost stop beating when you saw that every single artwork you had up for sale were sold out. Nothing was left behind. You checked your emails, and the confirmations were there.

How could this have happened overnight?

ALL MY WORKS ARE SOLD OUT?!?!?!?? WHO COULDVE DONET THIS??? You tweeted, hands shaking.

You felt your heart race, a wide grin that could go even wider if possible was plastered on your face. You tried to stop yourself from screaming in excitement but couldn't so you ended up jumping up and down and doing happy dances before calming down to assess the situation. Finally, you sat down in front of your laptop to see where all your works were being shipped to.

Replies started coming in.

CONGRATS YOU FIGURED IT OUT

WILL U RESTOCK

AHSKWJOA CONGRATS BB

I'M SO HAPPY FOR U

BUT Y/N WHO BOUGHT THEM ALL

Checking your emails, you discover that your art works were all bought by one person. Anonymous. There was no name and someone requested to have their personal information redacted.

Anonymous? Surely this wasn't a joke?

The person kept their name anonymous. You tweeted and muted the notifications just to allow yourself to focus on finding out who it was that bought everything.

At the bottom of all the removed personal information, there was one username that you were sure you've heard or seen somewhere.

@ Kimyeontan95.

Underneath the username was a short but sincere message.

"Your videos have always helped me wind down after a long, busy day. I can't express how much you inspire me with your talent and how I wish someday you'd teach me to be half as good as you, as I'm not very gifted in the painting department. I admire how you put your gifts into good things, and I very much idolize you in one way or another. This is just a small way of showing my support for you, but also because all your works are amazing and I'd love to have a small room filled with my favorite art works. I look forward to reading works of yours soon, future novelist.”

Feeling the heat creeping up on your cheeks, you smiled to yourself. The letter was definitely heartfelt and you wanted so badly to thank the person who sent it.

Later that afternoon, you decided to go on live to personally thank the anonymous buyer for buying your works and for sending that wonderful note. You fixed yourself up a little bit and pressed live as thousands of your followers began to tune in.

"Hello, everyone," you greeted, smiling. Replies with greetings started coming in and you couldn't help but chuckle at the eager messages your followers were sending. They truly made you happy.

As expected, several questions began pouring in.

"Right, so, I wanted to do this live because of what happened. As you may have noticed, all my works were suddenly sold out which definitely took me by surprise," you started, "Unfortunately the buyer left everything anonymous. They only left what I assume is a username and a short letter, which I will keep to myself for personal reasons."

@follower1WHAT

@follower2 will you keep selling your works?

@follower3 THATS SUCH A SWEET GESTURE THO OMG/

@follower4 am I the only one who thinks a secret admirer bought it

@follower5 check my YouTube channel I made a theory on who bought her works

@follower6 i rlly think it's taehyung

@follower7 I’'m so proud of you :(((

"If the person who bought all of my paintings is watching this, I really want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I appreciate the letter as well, you've honestly made me the happiest person on Earth," you smiled.

@follower8 AWWWWW

@follower9 ANON COME OUT

@follower10 i really wanna know what the letter says

@ Kimyeontan95 I'm glad :)

Your heart stopped at one of the replies. You took your phone immediately from its fixed position with wide eyes and began scrolling up fast because of the immediate replies coming in. Wasn't that the username?

@follower11 what's going on?

@follower12 y/n are you okay?

You could no longer find the reply so you set your phone down, fixing it back in place.

"For a second I thought the person who bought it was watching my live," you sighed and smiled nervously, "So anyways— I'd really love to express my gratitude so if they're watching, please contact me. I can't say thank you en—"

Suddenly the replies were frantic. People were sending keyboard smashes here and there. Only a few of them were actual coherent comments. "What is going on?" You asked as you began scrolling through.

@follower13 Y/N CHECK VLIVE

@follower14 TaEHYUNF IS ON LIVE

@follower15 I kNEW IT THOUGH???

@follower16 Y/N CHECK TAEHYUNGS LIVE

@follower5 Y'ALL I WAS RIGHT I SAID CHECK MY YT

Keeping your live on, you grabbed your laptop as fast as you could to check out the links being sent to your live. When it finally loaded, you could've sworn you'd have a heart attack.

"Oh, I think she's watching me," Taehyung grinned through his live, holding his phone in front of the camera. He quickly shows the viewers his phone screen, which showed your live of you watching him through your laptop. Your eyes widened and you looked back at your phone camera that was broadcasting your live, then back at his live.

Taehyung started giggling, "I guess we're just watching each other, huh?" He smiled. Behind him were packed and unpacked parcels of paintings you recognized were yours. If it was even possible, your eyes grew even wider at this, "Oh my god," you breathed out.

"I should probably introduce myself," Taehyung spoke, "Hello everyone, I'm Kim Taehyung. How are you all doing? Today I’m planning on redecorating my room after our practice. What are the packages behind me? Oh, these are paintings I recently bought."

"Are those my paintings?" You asked out loud, though you knew the answer.

"Are those my paintings?" Your voice echoed from Taehyung's broadcast as your live was streaming from his phone. He grinned sheepishly, "Yes, these are your works, I hope you don't mind."

"Not at all," You smiled, "You were the buyer?"

You mentally slapped yourself for asking such obvious questions, but you just couldn't believe everything that was happening now.

"Yes," he chuckles, "I really love your paintings." Suddenly the sound of Jimin’s voice echoed from behind and Taehyung quickly stood up to lock the door, knowing he’d get the teasing of a lifetime if Jimin came and saw him talking to you.

"Thank you so much, I—" Your voice began to crack and your eyes welled with tears that you tried to fight back, "I really appreciate it. And the letter, that was really sweet."

"No, thank you. Wait, don't cry—" Taehyung spoke nervously.

"I'm just so happy," You laughed while wiping the tears off.

The replies from both ends were coming in like crazy. On one hand, majority of everyone watching found the whole scenario cute and started pairing you two out of nowhere, though there were a few haters on the other. It didn't really bother you, you were just so happy someone you idolized noticed your work.

"I'm glad," he was watching you with a fond smile through his phone, then the sound of the Jin’s voice began coming from outside Taehyung’s room, "Sorry for this sudden grand reveal. I really can't stay on live for too long but I'd love to keep talking to you." He spoke.

"Oh no, that's okay," You spoke fast.

"Do you mind if I send you a message? Assuming you already know the username," he asks.

"No not at all, I'd love to keep talking as well," your heart was beating erratically now. You didn't have to see your face to know how red it was becoming.

"Alright, great. Um, before I end this vlive I just wanna say you're a great artist and to all my viewers watching this, please support y/n's artworks and her channel! If I see any negative comments, I'll be taking responsibility and I'll unfortunately have my agency involved in taking those out," he spoke in a commercial tone kind of voice, "And to y/n, I'll be keeping in touch.” The door from behind him suddenly bursts open and Jin, Jimin, and Jungkook rush inside.

“You were talking to her!” Jimin shouts excitedly.

“Finally!” Jungkook claps.

“Is that why you kept the door locked?” Jin teases.

“Bye, everyone!" Taehyung quickly waves goodbye to the camera and smiles before turning the broadcast off.

You sat there stunned, almost forgetting you were also on live. You turned to your phone which was still recording you, "That was unexpected."

Suddenly, a notification in your DMs popped up. "I'll go ahead and process everything that just happened now, bye guys! See you in my next video." You ended the live with a wave and smile.

You quickly went into your direct messages and found the same username, Kimyeontan95. You opened it and found a picture of Taehyung holding one of your paintings with a peace sign on his other hand, the other members behind him posing with your other works, making you laugh.

Your heart fluttered at the message below the picture.

I hope this isn't too sudden, but would you like to go out with me sometime?

a/n: hello! if you finished it, thank you so much for reading! i hope you liked it hehe. i think i’m gonna keep posting the stuff i write bc i have so many ideas for the other members as well. also this is fun hehe. if you wanna read my other work, let’s fall in love for the night, ← here’s a link! thanks again for reading and please look forward to my future writing/edits.

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5-falsehoods-phonated · 3 years

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Tell Me You Hate Me

Summary: Story contains some intense intrusive thoughts, please mind the tags. Remus always has episodes where his emotions seem to completely shut down, leaving nothing but thoughts pounding in his skull begging for a reaction. When he finally breaks down, Logan is there to hold him together.

Warnings: intrusive thought, implied self bruising, depictions of violence and death, hurt with comfort, mild swearing

Ships: Logan x Remus, Intrulogical

WC: 3, 602

General Taglist: (ask to be tagged generally or in specific writing.) @im-an-anxious-wreck

Remus huffed as he flopped over to his other side yet again, kicking his feet out from underneath them and burying his face into his pillow. Finding it still too hot he quickly picked his head up and flipped the pillow to the cooler side, flopping face first this time as he fought to quiet his groan. Squeezing his eyes shut tight did nothing unfortunately and neither did leaving indents in his palms from his fingernails. Flopping over onto his back he tried taking deep, calming breaths- something Virgil had said sometimes helped them sleep- but he gave up after a few minutes. Shadows from the corners of his room licked at the edge of the safety of his bed and a spike of anxiety in his chest forced his feet back under the covers. A stupid false sense of security that died along with the anxiety as quickly as it had made itself known. The dull buzz of his fan did nothing to drown the ringing in his ears and he wiggled a bit to get the sheets unstuck from his back as his newest position began to get uncomfortable.

He closed his eyes again and sighed deeply before throwing the blankets to the floor and hurrying to the light switch to flick it on. Eyes still shut he stumbled into the hallway running his hand along the wall for a sense of direction wanting nothing more but a spike of caffeine to jump start the day. He left the kitchen light off since he didn't actually know how early it was and didn't want to wake Logan, instead holding his hand out and shuffling forward until his toe stubbed the bottom of the cabinets. Swearing he placed his hands on the counter and felt around until he found the coffee pot, finally deciding to open his eyes to the dim room so he didn't end up smashing the pot and getting glass in his feet...again. Filling it with water and grounds was simple enough, the routine so ingrained he had to force himself to actually concentrate on the action instead of drifting off into his own head again.

Briefly he thought about wedging his head under the spout and letting the freshly brewed coffee flow down his throat but he decided he liked the new creamer they had gotten too much to attempt that this time. Idly picking at his fingertips while he waited he glanced out the window of the shared apartment and wondered how hard it would be to climb down the building from there. Realistically he could do it- just squat in the sink and back up as carefully as he could to find footholds and balance. The thought of neighbors seeing a random ass sticking out of a window, wiggling as he got into a better position brought a flicker of a grin to his face, but the thought of then someone calling the police to report a break-in and the subsequential argument hed most likely have with Logan over his reasoning it had seemed like a good idea made him dismiss the thought immediately. Things were already on the rockier side with his husband, he didn't need something else making him regret he had ever proposed to Remus.

Things weren't at all bad in their marriage, new as it was and with as small of a space they shared. Remus just went through moods- quiet ones where he was mostly lost in his head and didn't want to make things tense by finding his way out of it. Moods where everything was exhausting, even engaging in activities with someone he loved more than anything else in the world seemed dull and tiring. He'd never tell Logan that, never even think about hurting him that badly, but sometimes he got so tired it was all he could do to get out of bed. And now his emotions were broken again and that certainly didn't help anything.

It didn't happen often, but every once in a while for whatever reason his brain had thought of, he couldn't feel anything. Not even sadness. Smiles were hard, crying was harder, brief spikes of anxiety died before he could think about them and anger or irritation which he usually relied on in these states were so far away he couldn't even think of what to do to make them appear. His world was dull and heavy and numb, pressing in from all sides in a way that would have been overwhelming if he could care to put any name to it. Instead he grew quiet, filing away thoughts and feelings to deal with when he could actually grasp them. Logan noticed; of course he did he noticed everything. Usually all Remus really needed was space and a little time to get his bearings. He would stay in bed a lot, even if he didn't manage to sleep, and watch youtube videos at random for hours on end until Logan came in with water or food or a reminder to get up and stretch. Remus would get up stiffly and stretch for a moment, maybe go to the bathroom, eat, drink and then go right back to curl as tight as he could under the blankets to blankly stare at the screen. He'd hear a soft sigh and feel fingers run gently through his tangled hair before the door would shut once again and he'd be left alone to his nothing and cold and numb and thoughts.

The thoughts were the worst even if he didn’t attach anything to them. Constant and intrusive and violent as they were they didn't even make him afraid anymore. It often seemed, in whatever fucked up process his brain had made up, that if his emotions shut down the intrusive thoughts needed to step up to compensate. Usually nothing more than a suggestive buzz in the background he had long ago learned to simply brush off they became a battering ram against the inside of his skull that he had to actively reason his way through to stop the twitch in his muscles. Boiling water for tea became sticking his hands in his pocket so he didn't stick it in the pan to watch burn and stick to the bottom, flesh pulling like hot cheese until it snapped away from his muscles and left his blood to be boiled by the heat. The want to tip his chair back became his teeth frigging as a graphic image of his head cracked open like an egg and leaking through the carpet presented itself to him like a proud child with macaroni art. A constant barrage of images and impulses that left him exhausted rather than disturbed and made him simply want to sleep them all away, which of course was when the insomnia kicked in and left him making coffee at- his eyes snapped to the oven clock and he sighed tiredly- 4:30 on the morning.

Thanking whatever gods were real it was a Saturday morning he brought down a mug and filled it with coffee and an obscene amount of creamer, chugging it in seconds and ignoring the sickly sweet taste before getting a refill and shambling to the couch to turn on the news. The news always had something going on lately and he was hoping it would be enough to distract from the thoughts of smashing his head through the glass coffee table or making another pot of coffee to chug through. Granted the latter was the better option of the two should he make it a choice but he knew his limit with caffeine and wasn't keen on his heart thumping in his chest throughout the day when he had no energy to do anything with the fake adrenaline rush.

"Remus?" The man winced as he heard Logan's sleepy voice in the hallway and turned to see him walking to the couch, face pinched in concern. "Are you alright? It's nearly five in the morning."

Running his dry tongue over even drier lips Remus nodded. "I uh- I was gonna go on a run today. Get out of the house you know- and I thought an early start might be good."

Logan studied his face carefully, though thankfully not seeming to notice the deep bruises under his eyes in the shifting light of the tv. Remus offered a weak smile and gripped his mug tighter, firmly dismissing the thought to smash it over Logan's head while Logan stepped back and nodded tiredly.

"I'm going to sleep for a bit longer. Please be careful Remus, I love you."

"Love you too, Logan." Remus turned away before he could see any more puty in Logan's eyes, anger licking up from his stomach but he simply clutched his mug to dissipate it before it could take hold, not that it really could. He listened as the footsteps died and the others door was shut, bringing the mug up and chugging the rest of it. Groaning slightly he realized he'd actually have to go out now, he couldn't lie to Logan anymore than he already had. Screwing his mouth to one side he decided biking would be easier. More chances to simply coast and he could wear his headphones without risk of his phone bouncing out of his pocket. Figuring he may as well go now rather than wait, since if he did he was sure he'd simply go back to curl up in bed, he quickly tidied up the kitchen and went to throw some clothes and a helmet on. Tugging his bike out of the hall closet he found himself on the street without quite remembering how he'd gotten there but in the end he supposed it didn't matter. This early in the morning there was virtually no one on the sidewalks giving him ample space to go as fast as he wanted down the hill. Hed ride back up the hill on his way back so he'd get some actual exercise to make up for just coasting for about a quarter mile later.

The wind was on his face before he even registered he had started heartbeat picking up slightly as the buildings on his right began to whip past faster and faster. He contemplated breaking a bit to slow down but his thoughts suddenly demanding he do a hard break, making him flip over the handlebars and skid into the road made him dismiss it quickly. Hed slow down eventually and he was fine for now. The streets were quiet and dark, the air was cool but the wind was so cold it felt like needles against his face. He probably should have worn at least a jacket from the way his arms were going numb but dismissing it was so much easier than thinking about how tiring it would be to turn around, go all the way back to his building, back up the stairs and into his room to get a jacket and gloves- and by that time he'd just went to stay in bed anyway since that would be closer so there really wasn't any point. The fold felt nice, it as waking him up along with the coffee and his heart was thumping loudly in his ears drowning out any thoughts that might slip through and his hands were gripping the handle bars so tight his cold knuckles were a stark white-

Instinct swerved his bike and slammed the breaks before he even noticed the truck speeding down the road. The driver didn't even acknowledge him as his hands slipped off the handle bars and his vision grew spotty. The sudden panic felt distant, dull and unimportant even as his breathing sped up and a thought rose up that told him he could have died: images of his cold body splayed in front of a sideways truck slammed it's way through to the front of his mind, blood pooled around the driver’s feet as his panicked voice called for help. Distantly Logan's screams could be heard as footsteps ran to his unresponsive body and everything was simply white and static and cold. The sound of another car's horn snapped him back to himself suddenly, looking around in confusion as he saw how light it had gotten and the quiet streets now coming to life with people Getting off night shift or waking up for their morning shift or running to coffee shops. His sweat soaked hands were nearly frozen on the handlebars and when he tried moving his legs he felt like he was trying to tread through a thick vat of glue that threatened to pull him down and under the second he decided to stop fighting.

As much as he wanted nothing more than to collapse and hope something on his bike punctured a lung on the way down though he simply turned and started back up the hill towards home. He didn’t know how long he had been standing on the sidewalk but he judged it to have been an hour at least with how bright the sky was now. Hopefully Lgan hadn’t worried too much, the thought bringing a wave of guilt that nearly drove him to his knees with the fierceness with which it crashed onto him but just like with everything else it disappeared almost as quickly as it decided to present itself and Remus was left to simply stare blankly at the concrete before him as his stiff legs took him to Logan step by mind numbing step. He just had to make it to Logan. Logan would know what to do, what to say; Remus knew all he ever had to do was ask. Logan was getting better at asking whenever he needed help so the least Remus could do was show that same courtesy.

But then- what if he didn’t understand? What if he couldn’t? What if he thought Remus was just crazy or having a mental break or because he couldn’t feel things sometimes Logan thought that meant he didn’t love him anymore? What if he decided to leave? What if he left and Remus was alone with only his thoughts and the cold and-

“Remus?” He snapped his head up at Logan’s voice, a quick brush of panic curling around him as he saw that he was back in the apartment with again no recollection of walking the rest of the way up the block and up the stairs and through the door. Logan was looking at him, that same pitying concern wrinkling his face as he stood in front of Remus with a mug of black coffee held tightly in one hand while the other reached out to him gently. And Remus, with the overwhelming feeling of nothing, nothing, nothing and still frantically beating heart with wild eyes full of tears that hadn’t fallen in a week, couldn’t think of what to say to make anything better for either of them. So he did what he did best.

“Tell me you hate me.” The words blurted out with his characteristic impulsiveness as Logan’s eyes blew wide and he only briefly registered his own surprise before the world turned gray again. Of course, the most painful thing for him to hear is what he wanted. No amount of horror movie jump scares or gore, of late night metal blasting at full volume through his ears, pf slamming his fists repeatedly into his thighs until he could barely walk the next day would be as painful as having someone he had cared about more than anyone else for six years now telling him that they hated him. That they couldn’t stand him because he was useless and unfeeling and so, so stupid to even think someone like them could love someone like him. He needed to hear the words he knew Logan was probably itching for permission to say, and now that he had it he could go all out, and maybe then something could get through his constant swirl of thoughts.

“Please I can’t- I’m so numb Logan. I haven’t felt anything in a week I just need- this is your chance to lay it all out.” Logan considered him carefully before reaching ver and setting his coffee down on the counter and stepping towards him. Gently, so gently it almost hurt, Logan took both of his hands and tugged, walking backward and around until he could sit them both down on the couch. Squeezing his hands slightly he took them away only to place them gently on with side of Remus’ face and hold him as if he was made of fragile porcelain, thumbs caressing his cheekbones in a steady rhythm that had his heart finally calming down and body relaxing into the touch.

“I love you.”

Remus’ breath caught as he locked eyes with his husband, who was simply smiling gently as him with the same loving look he had been giving him for years. Pressure built behind his eyes suddenly and he widened them to keep it at bay, shaking his head in defiance.

“You are safe. Whatever you’re feeling or not feeling is perfectly alright. You are with your husband who cares for you very much in the apartment we’ve shared for four years. You haven’t been sleeping well which may be contributing to your mental distress but that’s okay too because we can work on fixing that. I could never tell you that I hate you. Love you more than anything, Remus.”

Remus wasn’t sure why that’s what finally broke him, but the flood of emotions that crashed over him barely gave him time to breath before he gasped out a sob and smashed his face into Logan’s chest. Steady arms wrapped around him in a tight, comforting embrace as his legs were brought over his lap, essentially making Logan cardle him like a child but Remus couldn’t bring himself to care as he gasped and shuddered out weeks worth of pent up emotions that he was just now able to feel and it was too much, too much, too much all at once. His hands came up too fist in Logan’s shirt and snot ran freely down his face and his throat began to ache form the noises desperately escaping his throat. This was too much at once, he couldn’t handle this much at once.

But all the way through it Logan rocked them back and forth, hugging him tightly and whispering how much he was loved and cared for and how much better his life was with Remus in it even if he did leave the cabinet doors open and hog the blankets when they shared a bed. Careful fingers carded through his hair as he was told that it was okay to cry, it was okay to not feel anything or to feel everything and Logan would be there regardless. Logan would be there for him through everything Remus needed as long as Remus needed him for. The rocking and whispering didn’t stop until Remus pulled away, a little ashamed and embarrassed with snot covering his face and hiccups preventing him from saying anything but it was okay because Logan only smiled as him and laid a hand on his cheek before getting up and telling him He’d be right back.

It was only a few seconds before he was back with a cool washcloth pressed to his face, carefully wiping his sore, red eyes and rubbing gently as his cheeks and nose. It ws cool and refreshing and instantly Remus felt better than he had in weeks. His wild curls were brushed out of his face and a kiss was pressed to his forehead before Logan made to leave again, making Remus let out a pathetic whine in protest.

“I’m only going to the kitchen to get you water, Remus. Did you want to come with me?”

As ridiculous as it was, he did. So he slipped his hand into Logan’s and followed him out to the small kitchen, watching as he awkwardly poured a glass of water from the fridge one handed and passed it to Remus who downed it in five seconds and handed it back sheepishly. Receiving only an encouraging smile in return the glass was filled once again before he was tugged back into the living room and sat down on the couch. Logan turned to him and squeezed his hand gently. Always so gently and lovingly.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Remus knew they would have to eventually but he was so tired. Not the kind of tired he had been where everything was exhausting and irritating and just on the side of too much, but the kind of bone tired you can only be after having an emotional breakdown in your husband's arms at eight o’clock in the morning after only getting two hours of sleep the night before. So he shook his head, hoping against all odds Logan could read minds and understand.

To Logan’s credit he picked up that it was something best addressed at a later time, simply nodding again and reaching for the remote. “How about a movie instead then? As a distraction?”

Smiling a tired but genuine smile, Remus nodded and curled up into Logan’s side, eyes slipping shut before he could even see what Logan had picked. But that was fine. The volume was low and Logan’s arm came to wrap around Remus’ shoulder as he drifted off peacefully. He was safe and loved and right now, that was all that mattered.

I promise I write happy things sometimes XD As always, this work is available with other on AO3!

If you like this, please consider reblogging. Sharing works helps creators.

#false writes #sanders sides #sanders sides fic #remus sanders #logan sanders #tw ts intrusive thoughts #implied self bruising #tw self harm #tw violence #tw gore #very self indulgent #intrulogical

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i-am-just-a-kiddo · 3 years

Text

As usual, thank you @vishcount for letting me do this as well!! ❤ I always love talking about my music. I tried to narrow it down to songs that I’ve added to my playlist(s) in the past 2-3 months.

Rules: spell out your url with song titles, then tag as many people as there are letters in your url

Am breaking the rule and not tagging that many people, but only my usual suspects: @cortue, @the-cloud-whisperer, @intyalote, @isabellaofparma, @sassyassassy, @not-saying-revolution-but - no pressure to anyone, I just thought maybe someone wants to share their music as well (which I’d be happy about)!

I continue under the cut:

I mmortale by Måneskin

I’ve noticed that I prefer Måneskin’s slower songs but they sure have a few bangers. This is one of them, I’ve only recently added it to my playlist and I’m lowkey obsessed?

A dvice by Taemin

am absolutely obsessed with this one? Taemin never disappoints but with this one I felt like it was sepcifically tailored for me for some reason. I love the manic dark energy of this, but at the same time it’s a chill enough song to just listen to on a daily basis? a masterpiece

M askhara بشار مراد مسخرة by Bashar Murad

This is the mood for summer tbh. Depressed but funky? Let’s make the best of it. I absolutely adore his voice and I sincerely hope he’ll release more songs because I need them to live. Am also very much into his political and queer themes, so I dearly recommend for everyone to check him out!

J 'ai demandé à la lune ft. Louis-Étienne Santais by Ghostly Kisses

I’ve always adored Ghostly Kisses and her voice is so stunning? French fits her quite well. I think I even added this to my wkx character playlist? we love a multifacetted man.

U nderneath The Mask by Royal & The Serpent

Another one from my Wen Kexing character playlist - i think this is kind of self-explanatory? This song is amazing with headphones and high volume. I’m always very much into songs that capture wkx’s valley master energy.

S un Goes Down by Lil Nas X

while Montero/CMBYN was absolutely iconic, this song just made me bawl my eyes out? it’s so lovely and I wish it was longer. somehow he managed to captured this queer coming of age feeling perfectly and i’m very much sensitive to that. bless his soul ❤

T orna a casa by Måneskin

along with Vent’anni, this is my favourite song of theirs. I could listen to this on loop (which I do) and I never grow tired of it? The way the song steadily builds up and reaches this peak near the end is absolutely amazing. This also sort of became an inspiration for my Wen Kexing and Gu Xiang fic? The lyrics somehow speak for them, it’s so sad and tender and wow, I want to bury myself in this song.

A Different Kind of Love by Son Lux

Son Lux are artists I never grow tired of and their recent releases have been amazing as usual. This too, made it on my wkx character playlist - as you see I’m putting a lot of songs here that are on there. Son Lux does that haunting atmopshere so perfectly and I think wkx’s fragile view of love fits right into this.

K in by CLANN

Until recently, CLANN was an artist that I had exclusively listened to while writing a little mermaid AU two (?) years ago - especially their album Unseelie was perfect for the vibes I needed. Howevery recently I’ve listened to the album Kin Fables while writing and I’m very happy I rediscovered them. I dearly recommend to simply put on their albums and listen to them in one go, it’s a magical experience.

I ntrovert by Little Simz

I know a few songs by her and she is so damn cool, I really want to get into her music properly at some point. All I’ve heard so far is exactly my taste and I realised that I don’t listen to much rap by female artists which I want to change. Gosh this song is just so powerful.

D eath No More / Смерти Больше Нет by IC3PEAK

I dig IC3PEAK so much, truly one of the best gems I’ve discovered in the past few times. Absolutely adore the combination of visual and musical medium, which makes a stunning art piece? Also their creepy vibes fit to my wkx playlist once again. I remember finding them on youtube and just going through all their videos, it’s just so good.

D im by SYML

Am stilll so grateful that dear Vishie showed me SYML back then because they quickly turned out to be one of my fave artists? Every song is so wonderful sigh. And yes, this too, is on my wkx playlist and I’m incredibly happy about it. the lyrics just scream for it, tell me I’m wrong

O rgel오르골 by SHINee

recently I’ve been in my SHINee mood again and rediscovered this song for me. I think The Misconception of Us is one of my favourite albums of theirs and Orgel is just so groovy? Am obsessed with the instrumentals and their voices playing off them. Idk mate, am just SHINee trash

thank you again! gosh this was fun but I noticed that I barely had time to discover new music in the past months which is so sad. I’ve only been relistening to artists on loop like Brockhampton, Gazzelle, Tamino and Shinee, but I’ve barely added new? Am surprised however that Sevdaliza, The Dumplings and BEWHY are msising from this list because I’ve discovered those some time ago.

#two more hours and then i'll be free!!#i can listen to music as much as i like!!!#finally free time!!!#this was lovely #thank you #and yes am still wkx trash #tag game #music #personal

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straighttohellbuddy · 3 years

Note

World building is the best tbh. I’m forever world building and now I have several worlds to play in and my neurodivergent brain cannot stay still enough to focus on one lmao. SLOWBURN ROMANCES ARE MY LITERAL JAM LIKE PLS!!! I LOVE THEM!! Also!!!! Concepts!!!! Pls share!!!! I love learning about the worlds of my fave fics and I can hands down say right now that this fic will literally shoot to the top of my list of favourites which means you’ll occupy the top three spots. Sorry to hear that ur feeling rough, so am sending u the biggest hug. I’m not okay but I’m taking care of myself today so that I will be 🧡-🐈‍⬛

alsjfsldkjf i have too many worlds TBH, literally one of the best parts of my 2020 was writing for the classic rock fandom and writing one of my good friend’s ocs alongside mine, like there’s so many different worlds that our two characters have now, i’m like 26k deep into a high school au that i need to get back to at some point, and then i wrote a oneshot abt the high school au but they’re adults, and then there’s also the original timeline, and then there’s the present day in the original timeline where they have kids and i probably care too much about people who aren’t real...... hahaha

OKAY OKAY OKAY HERE WE GO I’LL GIVE KIND OF AN OVERVIEW OF THE ALBUMS AND A FEW SONGS BUT IF U WANT ME TO GO IN DEPTH ON ANY OTHER SONG JUST ASK!!!

yes i have a playlist for each, if you wanna hear how i interpret the vibes of the songs. if you interpret them differently, thats awesome!! i’d love to hear y’all’s opinions on them!!

testing one two - the first ep they release, the song titles are mostly themed (fast forward, press play, pause, rewind), but are mostly things y/n has been working on for a while but never got around to finishing, things they are rather proud of. i see you shiver with... is the first song they wrote specifically for the album, and it’s the last song on the EP because it’s a Rocky Horror reference; i see you shiver with...

a n t i c i p a t i o n - first full album!! the vibe is Hopeful But Hesitant it has all the songs from the ep, plus some new ones!! collabs with youtube musicians troye and dodie, and y/n’s label sets up a collab that turns into a genuine friendship. the breakout dance hit is what else is there to say ft. Troye Sivan, which is about not knowing what to make content about when it feels like you’ve already told the world everything. it featured the prechorus and hook

You, know, ev-ery-thing about me / gave it all for free / my life in HD / So, let’s dance, let me see your hips sway / we’re gonna be okay / what else is there to say?

So say that you love me, say that you love me, say that you love me / let’s die hand in hand. / I’ll tell you I love you, tell you I love you, tell you I love you / supply and demand.

personally, i also conceptually enjoy srs bsns which is a really upbeat song about how they don’t care if people don’t take them seriously because they know in their heart that what they’re doing is good

hyperfocus - 2nd EP, a pretty substantial departure from their usual style, but also happens to quietly be Corpse’s favourite, and is actually y/n’s most polarising, because it has both the Grammy award winning HEARTBURN and the o brother where art thou which was written partially as a joke to capture a fond moment of them and 5SOS dicking around together in a hotel. written while on tour wit 5SOS, im writing the reader as having ADHD (because I have ADHD and i can do what i want), and the backstory is that they’d changed the medication/dosage they were taking, and as it’s their first full tour, they were under a lot of stress and were in a weird place mentally and emotionally, and hyperfocus is the result of that. i’m going through some stuff has HUGE agoraphobic vibes.

HEARTBURN has the same vibes as Florence + The Machines’ Howl. It’s about being a demon without saying that or directly implying that unless you know demons real well. This is when the pressure for them to confirm their identity got real bad, and it was their way of working through those emotions.

tear in existence in the shape of a person / when i’m seeing clearly i can’t see myself / world can’t swallow what it can’t get it’s teeth into / got everything i wanted but i ain’t got my health

Got heart-burn--- / I’ll tear me apart / I’ll tear you apart / I’ll tear me apart.

SCREAM gets rereleased as a remixed single featuring Fall Out Boy the following year. It won the MTV music award for best collaboration in 2018.

In the time between hyperfocus and working on it, Y/N releases several singles, including a cover of Tell Him by The Exciters to be featured in To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before. They also take time to sort out their health, do a little bit more YT stuff, and travel internationally to do festivals.

working on it - is kind of a middle ground between their original stuff, and hyperfocus, like pop-punk meets horror-pop meets whatever you’d classify halsey as. the first three songs were mostly written before the fic starts, so before they’re getting back to YT, but the last three, nightmare scenario, designed to hurt (touch me), and not scared were all written after they’d started hanging out with sykkuno and corpse.

in-universe, imposter syndrome was originally something else, along the same lines of tired that they’re hiding that they’re a demon, but after meeting corpse nd sykkuno and having people who know, and lowkey being influenced by corpse’s music, the song changes directions, and YO OKAY YO::

I literally am so fucking flattered, my darling friend @bingusmode wrote lyrics for imposter syndrome and I’ve been yELLING about them ever since i’ve read them!! (also bunnie is fantastic and lovely in general 10/10)

if you thought you saw me

i’d think about it twice

cuz while i know i’m naughty

everybody thinks i’m nice

cutest giggles get me

places that i long to be

but it’s not long before

everybody hates me

when you figure out i’m fucked up

you’ll probably think that can’t be right

but babe my image runs to save me

cuz i’m ugly day and night

nothing good about me

not the angel that i seem

cuz i’m a piece of shit

and i’ll ruin your fuckin dreams

i’m an impostor babe

you better run for your life

cuz there’s a bloodlust runnin through me

and you’re dripping off my knife

there’s no one here to save you

cuz you ate up all my lies

so beg me while you can

and draft up all your goodbyes

if any of y’all are inspired by anything i put out, feel free to take it and run!! you have my blessing!! i am so overwhelmingly flattered by people who like my stuff enough to create because of it, directly or indirectly! lyrics, art, songs, anything!! legit! I love you!!

okay so designed to hurt (touch me) has big House of Memories by Panic! At The Disco vibes, and YES it’s about Corpse. YES it sends mixed messages. YES it has greek myth imagery and YES that imagery is confusing. not sure if any of these sets of lyrics actually go after each other but also idk??

will my fall from grace be graceful / as each move i see you make? / propped up on pedestals side by side / beneath our feet they shake / i’m the only one to hear you ask / “What have they done to me?” / My boy, your wax throne is sun-drenched / you’ll fall in the name of your legacy.

eyes like yours watched rome burn / while hands like mine lit the pyre / we both heard me say we’d go down in flames / now you’re turning me into a liar / since you smile like that, like you can’t feel the sting / and we both know i can’t feel the fire

been telling myself i’m designed to hurt / but, baby, aren’t we a sight? /

check your reflection, your angles, apollo / you’re icarus in the right light /

we’re on the edge, i’m not scared to fall / we’ll take refuge in the night /

been telling yourself you’re designed to hurt / but, baby, doesn’t this feel right?

also, albumtouralbumtour is a reference to Bohemian Rhapsody.

OKAY AND FINALLY

n o s t a l g i a - the album the reader’s working on during the fic.

literally as i was writing this, bunnie sent through some FIRE lyrics for how the light gets in, (@bingusmode) i am going to be thinking about these on REPEAT for the next MONTH BRUV

little bit of darkness, treat me like a toy

i got my hopes up and got them destroyed

bitter taste of regret sitting heavy on my tongue

can’t believe i let you convince me that you were the one

sitting here in silence, fabric running thin

petals burning in my lungs and stealing oxygen

embers from a cigarette falling to the floor

god i can’t take anymore

so i stumble to the window and pull the shades

and the moon pours in like you threw a grenade

i can’t understand why

i keep trying

cuz i never seem to win

but having any hope is how the light gets in

from there, moment before impact ft. Billie Eilish is a club anthem along the lines of bad guy or COPYCAT, bass heavy with a drop that’s out of this world.

powdered pain, i’m in your veins / i’m the sting, the drip, the thing / you’re craving, but you hate to see me misbehaving / i heard my breakdown got you high / it’s true, but baby i can’t lie / i never got that rush, that burn / that makes you feel alive, i had to learn / to pick the slippery slope down which i fell / plan my pitstops on the way to hell / to pick my padding before i spiral / so if i break it’ll be in style

watch my misdirect, now freeze, / notice you can’t see the forest for the trees / you’re so desperate for my demise / but baby, i’ll make you watch me rise.

this is the moment before impact

controlled chaos, crash land / take a breath, trust the plan / i know you hope i’m not okay / you get off on my audio misery

controlled chaos, crash land / take a breath, trust the plan / i need you to know i want it this way / my breakdown won me a grammy

and this is the moment before impact

ur my favourite - interlude ft. sykkuno is probably one of my favourites, it’s just really soft, just a snippet of a conversation between the reader and sykkuno, maybe one of them told a joke and they both just sound real happy and sweet. its nice. it’s a nice moment.

means something is also for sykkuno!! it’s about how good-strange it is to be open and honest with friends, and how they usually aren’t but they’re glad they can be open and honest with him!!

meanwhile, i don’t think about u - interlude ft. CORPSE is a phonecall between corpse & the reader right after they announce they’re going to feature on acting like that, where corpse asks if they do this sort of thing to spite him, to which the reader responds ‘do i consider you when i’m making decisions about my career? no, corpse, actually i don’t think about you at all’ which then directly contrasts the song that ends the album, which is (how it feels to be) beautiful fireworks, which is essentially ‘i know how hard it is to exist like this, to be the centre of attention, to give off light and bring people joy, even when you’re in pain. i’m here for you. i love you.’

okay, i swear im done now, i’ll get back to writing the fic! (also i cannot BELIVE i managed to figure out how to embed those playlists but im so happy) edit: it didn’t actually work when i posted the ask, so anyways im sorry but y’all are abt to be spammed with playlists because i care too much abt this fic

#Anonymous #how the light gets in #corpse husband x reader #black cat anon

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vegetalass · 4 years

Note

hcs of the gang being quarantined in one big house together maybe?? 🥺 lub ur writing

i lub u, anon!!🥺 sorry this took forever!

General

Oh my godddddddddd

They had to stop doing movie nights because there was too much fighting

They tried to set it up such that everyone got a turn to pick a movie but there were still complaints

Now, movies are viewed at random and the policy is that

1. The TV is first come first serve

2. You have to announce when you’re using it

3. Anyone is allowed to join you

This has stemmed into multiple people shouting “IM WATCHING _____” at random times

And yes, people will try to hide the remote (mostly Sean)

If they can find it, that is

The lines between public and private property have been blurred. Everything must be labeled or there is a chance someone will take it

You can risk it, but it’s not recommended since they’re all dudes and will most likely eat anything

And even with your name on a box of graham crackers, there’s still a chance someone will stick their hand it in and steal a few

All the dudes walk around in their Long Johns like it’s not awkward

They have to do their own laundry so everyone is missing socks

Or they have extras

And wet laundry is constantly being left on the ground if it’s unattended and someone needs the washer

Arthur

This dude double dips

He licks the spoon and puts it back in, too

Gets yelled at a lot for this, but never remembers to stop

Everybody is afraid to touch all of the dips now because of this

And Hosea has to start buying separate ones just for Arthur

He’s the one who takes 3 hour baths

I imagine that there’s multiple bathrooms in the house but not enough for everyone so there are definitely times when people are like “WTF, Arthur you’re still in there?” or “Where’s Arthur?”

Usually it’s Charles or John because they don’t mind sharing a bathroom with each other

Cue Arthur having accidentally fallen asleep in the tub

But yea he’s just chilling in there, otherwise

Started the quarantine off by trying to fix up the house… But immediately got lazy

There’s probably a number of things he keeps saying that he’ll “get to, eventually”

The only reason Dutch hasn’t called someone is because it’s a PANDEMIC

Technologically challenged

Barely knows how to turn on the TV and still uses an iPhone 5 that has pretty much stopped working

John has given up trying to explain how to make things fullscreen on YouTube

Because of this, probably spends most of his time wandering around the yard and reading or journaling

Tilly even bought him some scrapbooking supplies, which he’s been trying to use

Little washi tapes and highlighters because she knows it can’t get too complicated too fast

She also makes him an Instagram account so he can take photos or post art

But figuring out how it works is a losing battle, and he never remembers to use it, anyway

“I think we should get a pet”

Everyone: “Arthur... Do we look like we take care of ourselves?

If anyone tries to talk about how annoying the quarantine is, starts ranting about people who refuse to take it seriously

And the conversation ends up spiraling into him blaming capitalism for everything

John

Every other meal he eats is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or Doritos

He does that thing where he wraps a bowl or plate in plastic wrap so he doesn’t have to wash it

Doesn’t clean up after himself

Leaves used tissues, slimy butter knives with PB on them, and crusty socks laying around

Unluckiest of them all

His snacks get taken the most, the bathroom is always occupied when he needs it, never gets to use the TV, his laundry is always moved, etc.

Always ends up using the bathroom when there’s no toilet paper

Texts Arthur for help and then makes an announcement in the group chat about “common courtesy”

Nobody replies

His texts are full of messages to Abigail that all say the same thing

“Help.” + “Please come get me” + “I hate it here”

They’re all left on read except for the occasional response asking if he needs anything from Target

The list he sends back is like four paragraphs long and it’s all dumb stuff

He’s like “FaceTime me when you get there, I wanna go shopping too”

Doesn’t even really want to leave the house for necessities, so he has to do stuff like water down his soaps or steal other people’s toiletries just to prolong how often he needs to go shopping for himself

He’s the one using Irish Spring from the dollar store mixed with water or a block of orange Dial soap that hasn’t been touched in five years

Charles tries to throw away an empty hand soap and John is like “THERE’S STILL SOAP IN THERE LOOK” *mixes water with it*

Steals razors and Shampoo

Thinks conditioner is “unnecessary” and “doesn’t do anything”

Complains about being bored but doesn’t bother to do the things people that people offer

Charles

Voluntarily becomes a recluse

Not because he wants to but because everyone else is too annoying to deal with

He’s forced to start using the internet and when he’s not on the computer he’s trying to block out the noise of the 8 other men he lives with just living

Going on walks is his other hobby

Also probably buys one of those adult coloring books to color

Like Athur, Charles hogs the bathroom

It’s not as bad as Arthur since he’s not in the tub for the whole time but he really will spend an hour getting ready in the morning for absolutely no reason

If anyone asks about it he just tells them that since they’re in quarantine there’s no reason to rush

But he does get yelled at if there’s no other bathrooms available

Becomes a self-care connoisseur

Walks around in a bathrobe and face mask just to try and achieve some sort of zen

Literally the only one who doesn’t walk around half naked

Besides Hosea, the one of the only guys who tries to wake up on time and eat three healthy meals a day

The house is entirely dark and he’s eating toast while Hosea makes coffee

It’s awkward, not because they’re weird about each other but because no one else is awake and it’s quiet for once

Dutch is the third person up and Charles leaves the kitchen by the time he’s around

Gave up trying to do the dishes and only cleans what he uses

Sometimes if he feels like being nice he’ll do Arthur’s dishes, too

But only if he gets something back in return, like Arthur doing his laundry or something

The only one who changes his bedsheets on the regular

Him and Kieran are the only ones trusted by Hosea to leave the house safely

Micah

Everyone is surprised Micah isn’t dead yet

Everyone is constantly fed up with him for something or for just being irritating

And try to ignore him for the most part, which is hard

Tries to defends himself with “Well, you don’t have to bother me if you don’t want to”

Doesn’t clean up after himself, either

John leaves more mess, but Micah does worse stuff

While John just leaves his dirty peanut butter knives around, Micah does stuff like forget to put the mayo back in the fridge, leave the bread bag out and open, forgets to bring his used dishes to the dishwasher, throws his trash in other people’s trash cans, leaves his wet laundry in the dryer, etc.

If it’s annoying and gross, he does it

And tries to eat food that other people have made for themselves or don’t want to share with him

Dutch is the only one who shares with him willingly

Does not pick up his hair from the bottom of the shower

And doesn’t clean the sink after he shaves

Honestly, I doubt any of the drains in the house work properly because so much shaving goes on

It’s honestly surprising to everyone that he takes the quarantine seriously

Accuses people of being sick even though all of them have barely left the house…

Wears a mask inside when he’s feeling salty

He doesn’t even care about the mask, it’s just to make people feel gross and bad about themselves

Besides Sean, he’s always trying to hog the TV

And everything he watches is annoying, pretentious, or both

Complains about there being “nothing to watch” despite always having something on and refusing to stop

Tries to smoke inside and literally always get busted for it

Even if other people are doing it too, he’s the one who doesn’t even bother to be by a window when he does it

His room is always off limits

If you need something from him you need to knock and wait in the doorway

Also does the “You’re too close… Step back, please” thing

And if anyone gets mad, says it’s a pandemic and he’s just trying to be SAFE

Mostly does this to feel powerful

Turns in to Uncle Jr. with all the complaining and berating he does

Uncle is honestly offended

Hosea

The only person allowed to do the shopping

He gave up trying to give people lists because the groceries they came back with were never right

Either too few, too many, not the right stuff... You name it

See here for more

That’s why, despite being the oldest, he’s the one who goes grocery shopping for meals twice a week

Refuses to buy alcohol because of incidents that they’ve had

Can’t stop people from sneaking it, though

Similar to Dutch in that he gets annoyed when people oversleep, but because its quarantine, he tries to not mention it, and at the worst, gets passive aggressive

Tries to make a chore chart for people to follow but it gets ignored

He ends up having to force people to do things by reminding them constantly

He’s the one who starts opening people’s doors in the morning and turning on the lights

Makes everybody start eating on paper plates with plastic silverware because he’s tired of trying to make people use the dishwasher

Arthur doesn’t know how, John doesn’t put his plates in the right place, Charles refuses to since no one else contributes to keeping it neat, Micah doesn’t even know they have one, Kieran also can’t fill it correctly...

Basically, it’s too much for Hosea to handle

His dinners are all Costco pre-made meals that can be made quickly

Frozen lasagna and prepackaged salad type stuff

He’s the guy who falls asleep on the couch sitting up while watching TV and if you try to talk to him he says “I’m awake” without opening his eyes

And if he’s using it, don’t even think about suggesting to change the channel

The answer is and always will be no

Even when he’s not really paying attention

And it’s either on the History Channel or Discovery Channel

Always complaining about how cold his feet are

Doesn’t let anyone touch the thermostat

He’s an in real life Elf on the Shelf

Dutch

If anyone, and I mean anyone starts sleeping in, he gets in a really pissy mood

“While I’m up, doing work for you, you’re sitting in bed being lazy!!!” and “What do you mean you don’t understand why! Why should I have to tell you why wasting the day is annoying to all those who are working!”

Even despite this, he can’t actually change the fact that no one wakes up on time

And it’s not like the work he’s doing for them is very important

He’s the one who thinks that a pandemic is the perfect time to be or do something useful

Eat healthy, write a book, pump iron… Anything

And when people complain about being useless he’s like “You have all this free time!!!1! Stop complaining!!! You can do anything!!!”

And if he’s doing something he considers useful, yells at people who try to bother him

Arthur: “Hosea wanted to know-”

Dutch: *doing sit ups* “CAN’T YOU SEE I’M BUSY?”

When it’s his turn to cook dinner, he’s making 8 boxes of Trader Joe’s mac and cheese in a huge pot and calling a meal

Literally the only meal no one complains about

He won’t clean the pot when it’s finished, though

Literally just cooks and leaves it out for someone else to deal with

Another self-care aficionado

Also walks around in a bathrobe and face mask

He’s worse than Charles though, because while Charles wears pants... Dutch will be booty ass naked under his

Also keeps trying to make homemade masks and scrubs and walks around in those, too

He’s like “This is a good one, I can tell already”

Everyone: “Dutch... is that... mayo... in your hair?”

Annoyingly good at monopoly

Does not invite Molly over and gets yelled at over FaceTime

Cue everyone eavesdropping on their arguments

Goes on power walks

Yells at people when they listen to loud music with swear words

Honestly, always yelling at people

“Can somebody get me my slippers? Arthur? John? Hosea? AnYoNe!!!”

Kieran

Spends the least time in the bathroom because he’s afraid of getting yelled at

Does everything in five minute increments

Except for showers, when he allows himself ten minutes

Barely

Most of what he eats is just microwave popcorn and shredded cheese

He’s the one asking people if they want to go on “family walks” with him

Literally no one joins him

Also tries to play board games with everyone

This goes a little better at least because Hosea will sometimes play and if he’s there, a few people will definitely join

Very bad at monopoly

The most conscious about wearing a mask

The others wear them but Kieran is the one who wears double masks, gloves, and carries around Febreeze

Also will get mad if anyone forgets their “safety equipment”

Or if they’re within six feet of him in public

Props to him though for staying healthy

I’ve mentioned this before, but... Spends most of his time playing games on a big tablet wearing headphones

Candy Crush and FarmVille and Words with Friends and stuff like that

Though all of his internet friends are weird old ladies he doesn’t know

Everyone is mad at him for sending non-stop game notifications, too

Hosea is the only one who responds to any of them

He’ll never admit this, though

Also tries to start doing arts and crafts

Mary-Beth started telling him about the various crafts she’s been doing, so he’s started trying to follow along, too

Things like crocheting or popsicle stick art

His stuff all looks bad, but he’s just happy to be doing it

And to be FaceTiming Mary-Beth

When he gets to choose a movie, he’s picking a “family-friendly” movie like Inside Out or Lilo and Stitch

Everyone starts out being mad but they all end up watching the whole thing without complaining

Heated debates ensue, too

For example, like about whether Flynn should’ve cut Repunzel’s hair in Tangled

“YOU’RE GONNA LOOK AT ME AND TELL ME THAT I’M WRONG?”

Charles + Arthur vs. Dutch + Bill

Makes meatloaf or Hamburger Helper like once a week

They’re basically the only thing he knows how to make

Sides with Arthur when he suggests getting a pet

Wears a Snuggie

Doesn’t change his socks

Javier

Plays his own music very loudly and won’t turn it off or down if you ask

Either that or he’s practicing guitar

It’s not really that bad but when you can’t escape it.... People get mad

The only saving grace is that the singing is usually in Spanish so it’s not as bothersome

The door to his room is always closed

Refuses to open it

To talk to him, you have to knock and then he’ll exit

Dutch is the only one allowed in and he thinks Javier’s rules about entering are creepy so never does it

Javier cooks his own food and won’t share

Only makes enough for exactly one person so even if he wanted to, there’s not enough

Eats dinner in his room to prevent people from bothering him or asking for some

However, he has the biggest stash of quarantine snacks…

No one knows where he gets them

And getting him to share is like trying to do a drug deal, but he’s not against it as long as he gets something in return

He didn’t personally cook all these snacks so the rules are different

His room is full of scented candles to make it smell better since the whole house kinda smells like Boy

Buys a gamer chair at the start of quarantine

Claims it’s more comfortable than the office chair that Dutch and Hosea chose for everyone

Everyone is jealous

Wears fuzzy pajama pants only

Sean

Sean is the one sleeping in

Never sleeps in his bed and just falls asleep wherever, basically

Usually the couch

Because he’s always snoozing, he’s the one who watches the most TV

Micah claims this isn’t “fair,” despite doing the same thing

And even if he’s not watching TV, he’s just using the couch to watch Tik Toks full volume

Tries to make his own Tik Toks, but they either stink or no one wants to participate

Constantly having people get mad at him for recording them

Stopped wearing clothes the moment quarantine started

Always in a tank top and his underpants

It’s kinda weird

People cared at first but by now they can’t be bothered to complain since they’re

1. Used to it

2. Probably start doing the same thing

Leaves his laundry laying around

Also won’t share anything he’s eating

Gets mad when people steal food

Doesn’t address anyone in particular though, just walks around yelling about how “nobody has the common decency not to steal”

Has food delivered almost every other day

No one knows where he’s getting the money from, either

Everyone think it’s a waste

Mostly because he doesn’t share, but also because all hell broke loose when Hosea found out about an expense called “delivery fees”

Also has a stick up his ass about wasting food

Started yelling about this randomly, too

If he can’t force someone else to finish leftovers, he forces himself to finish them

Probably gets caught watching a certain type of nasty video a lot

Lowkey it probably happens to everybody at least once

Yells at anti-maskers

Tries to wrestle the other boys and gets his ass handed to him

Bill

Possessive of everything

Usually he’s not this bad but being cooped up with a bunch of thieves and liars doesn’t make him confident that his Circus Animal cookies will last very long

Doesn’t share anything and very adamant about making sure there’s labels on things so nothing gets mixed up

Also makes his own space in the fridge with tape

BILL’S SPACE DO NOT TOUCH

And will start yelling in anything is moved

Not as bad as Sean though because he only cares about his own stuff

The whole thing is super hypocritical though, because he definitely steals other people’s stuff

If he gets caught, claims “it’s only fair”

Hosea has to buy him soap because he won’t buy it himself

Definitely the one who learns how to make prison hooch with cranberry juice and yeast

And the one who eats all of the ice cream

Even the nasty flavors

Wears the same clothes everyday because since he’s not working, “they’re not dirty”

They start getting holes in them, though

If anyone tries to suggest something for him to do, he gets mad and claims he “knows how to entertain himself”

Also constantly accusing people of being in his space or business

Ends up starting a ton of fights over this and then complaining about how mean everyone is to him

He’s not doing it on purpose, though

Ends up buying some kind of gaming console to pass the time

If he buys an Xbox, he shares with the rest of the boys

If he buys a nintendo switch, he starts playing Animal Crossing and doesn’t put it down for weeks

Out of everyone… He’s the one who takes the pandemic the least serious

He follows the rules because he doesn’t want to be eaten alive by any of the boys, but he probably thought the virus was a hoax at first

He learned his lesson the first time he tried to go out without a mask and got locked in the car, though

Forgets to flush the toilet

His room is dirty

#red dead redemption 2 #red dead redemption 2 headcanons #rdr2 headcanons #rdr2 #arthur morgan #HOPE U ENJOY ANON SORRY IM SLOW #and will probs continue to be slow #my car broke down at mcdonalds today LOL and by the time it got fixed mcdonalds WAS FUCKING CLOSED #i was so sad my mom actually ended up taking me to a different one #but they didnt have what i wanted LOL #but it was fine bc i was happy with just fries #also y'all.... my sink is fixed and let me tell u #I AM NEVER PAYING FOR A PLUMBER AGAIN #i took that bitch apart and snaked it myself #and enough hair to make a wig came out of it but she was fixed #and i saved so much money my mom bought me lunch as a reward #LOL #anyways i love u all thanks for reading hope this shows up in the tags and u like it #i hope i put enough!!#and lmk if i should republish in a new format #i keep getting scared to make a new post and not answer anon directly #oH WELL JUST CATO PROBLEMS #also went back to work and it was... fine i guess #idk #Anonymous

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pbandjesse · 3 years

Text

I am still having a lot of big emotions. But I am home now. I will be back at cam on Sunday, but its something. To be in different clothes. I took a bath. My cat is next to me. Im watching terrible youtube videos. My feel hurt a lot but like. I know I will be in my own bed soon.

After I finally got my post up last night I tried to sleep but it didn't come easy. I would just pace for a bit. Walked in the park. Some friends came by to see my cabin. It was cute and fun.

But then I was alone with my thoughts. I didn't like the movies I had still. And what I ended up watching sort of just upset me. And while I did fall asleep, I woke up a few times in tears. It wasn't great.

I woke up at 530 and I couldn't fall asleep again. I was very tired. But I had so much on my mind and body. So I got up.

I got washed and dressed. Packed up all my laundry. Tried to remember all the things I should bring home. I thought about everything. I swept the shed. And then went and got breakfast.

Charolette was there. I talked to her a little but it was hard to not make jokes about the whole thing. I was on the very of anger. I was just so mad at my sister. And that lasted a lot of today. But now thinking about that I have a rock in my stomach. I hate some of the things I said today. Some of the things I thought. But that's where I was.

I tried to just be honest with people. I was feeling weird. I was going to say weird things. I appreciated the support. But I also felt weird about it. Everyone kept telling me that I could deal with grief however I needed to. But it also felt wrong. I felt wrong.

So I walked.

I thought I would walk up to the barn. I was still in my slippers but I still walked in the wet grass. I pet the horses and talked to them. And then wandered down a hiking path. I ended up walking for 40 minutes before I ended up back at the office.

People were there then, and Ellen brought me a pastry. I got theme stuff ready. And made up boxes. And then Heather sent me to go direct traffic. Lauren ended up coming with me and we talked for like a half hour and it helped. I felt alright. I felt weirdly alright.

Lauren invited me to go get slushies at lunch. And I was excited about that. And then I headed to art.

Charlie was there and we worked on our own things and talked about my sister and my feelings. He told me about a Buddist funeral he went too and the way death and mourning was delt with there. It was interesting. A lot about forgiving the other person. And that was eye opening. That I needed to forgive her.

But I wasn't ready. I was still so mad. I am still mad. But I am trying.

I would work on my painting. And theme for next week. And getting things ready for next week.

I went to go talk to Chris about plans for next week. And he let me know some of my supplies came. And so I started taking that up to the shed, when Laurem called out to me to meet her at the dining hall so we could go to 711. Two other specialty boys, Gabe and Kent, came with us too.

It was fun. I reminded them that it was Cj's birthday so we got her a little cheese cake and a donut that Gabe would go find a candle for. And I got a peach slushie and I liked it a lot.

We got back and went to lunch. The vegetarian option was al to nicer. And when we surprised Cj and sung to her she was almost crying and it was so sweet. It was just a really nice moment.

Lauren and the other Jessica came with me to the art shed to cut cardboard and talk. I would do some prep and some painting and some cleaning. And then I had my group.

It went well. I am really glad that the kids have been enjoying my projects so far. And they were fun. I hope that the rest of the summer the enjoy it too.

After the kids finished helping me set up I painted a little more. And then committed to sitting in my hammock for a half hour. My feet were literally throbbing. They still are. But taking a break was good.

I went to the office after that to check in with Elizabeth about a small project for the teens next week. And then I was put in charge of shirt distribution so I was off to set that up.

It mostly went well. But one group thought I told them I couldn't have any shirts and they said it on the walkie and Im like. The slander! And then I kept joking that everyone knows that's what Im known for at camp. Making sure the kids have a bad time and get nothing they want. Thats big Jesse energy.

After the shirt distribution and some cleaning and packing. The day was over. I was on the porch talking and hanging out. Trying to feel normal.

And we had cupcakes to celebrate the end of the first week. And got some info for how the groups will be laid out. They asked the specialty staff to come in on Sunday to help check in. And I agreed to come in in the afternoon. So that's all good. I will still get some time with James.

After everyone went home I went up to the art building and finished putting things away. I got my bags and went back to the office to wait for James. I enjoyed talking to Alexi's daughters and goofing around. And then James was there and it was so nice to see them.

I ordered us dinner. It was going badly because my data is messed up. But it was fine and we got out food even though it was wrong.

We got back here and I was so happy to see sweetP. We had dinner. And I worked on some stuff for my student loans.

And then I started taking screen shots. I found every comment I could on my Instagram from my sister. And all our facebook messages. There weren't many of them. I found a few pictures. There weren't many there either. But I printed them all.

Some of them were things I would have liked to hear at my wedding. About my relationship with James. About her being proud of me. About her loving my art. Supporting me. And that's when the regret set in.

I started reading the comments from her friends. Being shocked that she's gone. That she was a ride or die and the most loyal friend they could ask for. Someone referred to her as their sister and it made me so mad. I have been mad at her for so long. That she was never my sister. That she was never there for me. That she made so many promises and never held up her end. That I gave up trying with her. But people loved her. They saw good in her. And that hurts in a way I cant explain.

So I had to stop. I went and took a bath and tried to just get lost in youtube drama. I washed my hair. I felt so dirty. But I feel a little better now. I am hurting emotionally and physically. I am going to try to just take care of myself and be soft tomorrow. I want to go buy some things for camp and the kids. And try to feel okay.

Now though I need to try to sleep. Take care of yourselves everyone. I hope tomorrow feels easier.

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nico-idc · 3 years

Text

random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that. Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently.

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why.

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now.

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me” and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

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youtube

I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression.

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory.

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions.

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”.

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt.

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first.

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this

#cussing tw #swearing tw #tw suicide mention #tw self harm #tw eating disorder #vent post

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perseus-jacks · 4 years

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tagged by @syndullastars thank you !! ♡

on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? I want to say 7, but its probably more like a 4.5

describe yourself in a hashtag? #i’llsleepwheni’mdead (#overlycaffinated applies too)

if you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be? such a tough question... either Timothée chalamet or Gavin Leatherwood

if your life was a musical, what would the marquee say? biggest goofball in the town

what’s one thing people don’t know about you? that I care waaaaaay too much about what others think

what’s your wake up ritual? shower, brush teeth, wash face, get dressed, cook breakfast/make coffee and then read

what’s your go to bed ritual? pick out clothes for the morning, brush teeth, wash face, write agenda for the upcoming day

what’s your favorite time of day? I would say late at night, like at 2am when im the only one up and I can already hear birds chirping outside my window.

your go to for having a good laugh? YouTube videos (commentaries, reviews, and even my fave books as vines)

dream country to visit? Switzerland

what’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had? my life isnt full of surprises, sadly. I guess when I was able to live and study in Oxford for two days (I honestly didnt know if I could, it was a mess)

heels or flats/sneakers? sneakers

vintage or new? vintage for sure

who do you want to write your obituary? my sister

style icon? a mix of Cher from clueless and Monica Geller, with a hint of my sister’s style ( I draw my inspo from many people ok)

what are three things you cannot live without? friends, my books, my laptop

what’s one ingredient you put in everything? sugar

what 3 people living or dead would you want to make dinner for? my mom, my sister, and oddly enough,, van Gough (it would be interesting to share a meal/convo with him)

what’s your biggest fear in life? failing / not living up to my family’s expectations of me

window or aisle seat? Aisle. I love day dreaming while looking out the window, but the aisle is a matter of convince

what’s your current tv obsession? Outer Banks, and I'm trying to get into Anne with an E too

favorite app? Spotify, it houses all my music, and thus, a source of happiness.

secret talent? I can quote every episode of Friends word for word

most adventurous thing you’ve ever done in your life? Spent my spring break in Spain

how would you define yourself in three words? perceptive, passionate, witty

favorite piece of clothing you own? My distressed Shawn Mendes tour T-shirt ( wear like 3 times a week)

a must have clothing item that everyone should have? a black turtle neck

a superpower you would want? telepathy/compulsion

what’s inspiring you in life right now? writers and storytellers

best piece of advice you’ve received? sometimes the best thing to do is take risks without fear of the consequences

best advice you’d give your teenage self? stop worrying so much about what others think and speak you mind always

a book everyone should read? Jane Eyre

what would you like to be remembered for? being a good friend

how do you define beauty? Beauty cant be defined. It's everywhere and in everyone.

what do you love most about your body? My eyes

best way to take a rest/decompress? lounging around and reading with a coffee in hand, or cruising with the windows down with my friends/fam

favorite place to view art? the Met in nyc

if your life was a song, what would the title be? Smile

if you could master one instrument, what would it be? guitar

if you had a tattoo, where would it be? a small crescent moon behind my ear or on the part of my hand that is in-between my thumb and index finger

dolphins or koalas? dolphins !!

what’s your spirit animal? an owl

best gift you’ve ever received? a pretty, vintage looking necklace

best gift you’ve given? I made a friendship timecapsule for my friend when she moved away, and every two weeks or so she would tell me how it cheered her up

what’s your favorite board game? monopoly

what’s your favorite color? cornflower blue

least favorite color? burnt orange (sorry Peeta)

diamond or pearls? diamonds

drugstore makeup or designer? drugstore, it does the job

pilates or yoga? hip-hop yoga

coffee or tea? coffee

what’s the weirdest word in the english language? canoodle, moot

dark chocolate or milk chocolate?both stairs or elevators? stairs, i hate elevators

summer or winter? both

you are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat? just the thought of that makes me tired of every single food in existence lol

a dessert you don’t like? anything fancy

a skill you’re working on mastering? life drawing and general storyboarding stuff, for school and career purposes

best thing to happen to you today? the clone wars finale :((((

worst thing to happen to you today? also the clone wars finale :((((

best compliment you’ve ever received? a few of my friends have told me that i always know exactly what to say, and that makes me happy bc i try very hard to understand them and be what they need so i’m glad it pays off

favorite smell? pine trees and snow on the air, but also sunscreen and the sea

hugs or kisses? hugs

if you made a documentary, what would it be about? the evolution and highlights of reality tv; its fun to watch but has serious implications if you look closely enough

last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? Wall-E

lipstick or lipgloss? lipgloss

sweet or savory? sweet

girl crush? Jenna Coleman

how do you know you’re in love? i’ve only been in love once and it was a very fledgling thing but it was like, they’re always on your mind, seeing them is like a thunderclap to your heart, you want to be near them and laugh with them, you constantly wonder what they think of you (like the littlest thing), you care about how they see you, time with them feels like nothing and everything

a song you can listen to on repeat? Golden by Harry Styles + Dust Your Pocket by Glass Animals

if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be? whoever is dating Gavin Leatherwood, I just want to know what thats like (even if its for a day)

what are you most excited for/about this time in your life? Im excited for law school actually and moving out west

this is long so i’ll just tag a few: @maxons @wizardra @vikingthors @oceanvs @thorne( feel free to ignore ofc ♡ )

#about me

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ayediosmila-blog · 4 years

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hi everyone i’m mini, i’m excited to play my new muse with everyone! as always, i wrote way to much, welp. if you get through this you’re a champ!

(FEMALE. SHE/HER ) you know MILAGROS VENTURI, right? they’re TWENTY ONE and majoring in SCULPTURE/ARCHITECTURE? still nothing? well, they look exactly like BECKY G, so you can’t miss them. i’ve heard they’re really DEDICATED, but super MESSY too… it makes perfect sense that they’re a AQUARIUS. anyways, if you see them, tell them they left their PHONE in class and that i have it. ( mini, est, she/her, 23 )

Like this and i’ll im you to plot <3

⇢ STATS

FULL NAME: Milagros Antonia Rivera De Costa Venturi

PRONOUNCIATION: MEEEE-LAH-GROSS

NICKNAMES: millie, meels, mil, mila, shorty,

AGE: 21

D.O.B : January 25th 1998

HEIGHT: 5′0

OCCUPATION: barista

ZODIAC SIGN : Aquarius

SEXUALITY: bisexual

NATIONALITY: American

ETHNICITY: Mexican

BIRTHPLACE: oaxaca, mexico

CURRENT LOCATION: new york city, new york / seattle washington

LANGUAGE SPOKER: english, italian, portuguese, and spanish

⇢ ORIGINS

So milagros was actually born in oaxaca, mexico, but she was given up to her aunt who eventually gave her up to the officials.

mila was moved to different adoption agencies, and at two years old she ended up in one in mexico city where she met her parents.

It wasn’t long after until mila moved to the USA, ending up in new york with her new family.

Marco and Claudia Venturi were already parents to 6 boys - who were closer to being men at the point milagros showed up. One thing they didn’t have was a girl, and since they couldn’t get it the old fashioned way, they decided to just adopt instead. They had the means to do it anyway.

Marco Venturi is a retired politician, he’s had a very reputable career, and now since his retirement he works a lot with habitat for humanity and his ultimate goal is for inclusive spaces.

Claudia De Costa Venturi is a fashion designer with a known reputation in europe, her brand DCVenturi became popular in the american market as well

The family lived in New York, New York City most of the time, but both Marco and Claudia wanted their kids to see the world, so they travelled often, and it became easier since a lot of their kids were older, so the only ones that would go where the younger ones.

If you were to ask Milagros what she remembered from Mexico, it wouldn’t be much. Growing up she didn’t feel different from her siblings, and her parents never made her feel like she ever was either. her parents didnt even want milagros to forget where she was really from, so often they would go on trips with her to mexico, and decided to keep her original name.

⇢ BACKGROUND

to this day, milagros hates her long name, it’s super difficult to fill in on documents and it’s annoying when it comes to having fill out forms. She often goes by Mila, but Millie would be the second most nickname for her

she went to the best schools, often private where they had the uniforms, it was sort of a gossip girl situation with her growing up, except she was captain of the cheer team, and she was on other things like track team, prom committee, drama club, art club, music club. she was involved a lot because her parents put her in a lot of extracurriculars out of school too.

because her parents are influential, millie’s been on a couple papers, she loves to get dressed for night outs. fashion week is exciting for her, and she definitely sometimes got caught not in her best by random strangers.

Besides her parents, she’s had to deal with the lives of her brothers, and they’ve all come out successful whether it’s owning a restaurant, being some kind of YouTuber, or even an everyday teacher. not to mention it sucked being the youngest and a girl with so many older brothers.

the Venturi kids had everything at their disposal, and as you can see, millie’s only problem was figuring out what she wanted.

you’d think millie knew what she wanted, right? not at all. honestly for her a lot of what she was doing was bc her parents made her.

when millie turned 18, she decided she wanted to reconnect with her biological parents alone, and as much as it made her parents uncomfortable, they agree to let her go alone. So for a few months, she lived in Mexico, with her cousin because alone didnt meant alone alone lol

millie met her real parents, and that in itself was emotional. for the rest of her time in mexico she learned about the culture, the people, it was a big game changer for her.

she knew that she was different than her family, she saw it growing up, and there ofc were people who would tell her, in a way she went into a bit of an identity crisis.

⇢ POST-SECONDARY/PERSONALITY/NOW

She didn’t want to live in New York much anymore, kinda tired of a super busy city so she decided to go to somerset in seattle washington for sculpture and architecture.

her parents were surprised since millie could have gone to any school in the state, ivy league even.

even if she got into somerset a, she actually deferred for a year, so she’s only been at somerset for 2 years.

millie decided on sculpture and architecture because she lives the idea of designing buildings and homes. after uni she wants to go abroad and help construct homes for those who can barely afford it, or somehow work together with Habitat for Humanity.

in her free time she really likes doing pottery, often you can catch her at uni after hours in the labs doing something.

besides there, you can find her in a coffee shop nearby the university called Second Cup. it’s not like she needs money since her parents fought her to pay everything for her - mila just wanted to work, so she does as a barista and it’s really the only time she’s the most social. catch her doing some cute latte art with your drinks cos she’s bored.

mila fortunately lives alone but she’s barely there, so the living room is spotless but her work room, cos ofc she lives in a two bedroom but she lives alone, sdfkjsadk her work room is what she calls ‘an organized mess’ and it’s where she’ll have her supplies and models.

millie is very much go with the flow and down with everything when she’s not busy working or doing school stuff

she was very much involved in high school, and in uni she’s.. half involved? she’s a part of some clubs but not rlly, most of her time is spent in art labs or sketching in the library

she had a bit of a wild youth, and now she’s kind of chill but if you were to get her drunk, she’s a fun dumb, says really stupid stuff and laughs at everything. she kinda just wants to hug everyone.

ppl call her perfect cos she has money, knows how to do a lot of things and millie hates it bc she has her own insecurities too

sometimes she can get snarky, especially if you’re on her bad side. she loves to argue, and even when she knows she’s wrong, she’s right. no questions.

don’t hate her but she’s forgetful asf if it’s about everyday things.

her favourite holiday is winter, she loves ice skating, snow, hot chocolate, peppermint. catch her apartment already have a christmas tree up while some christmas lifetime movie is on tv lol

she’s pretty much a sweetheart unless you piss her off lolol she’d love to pick someone’s brain over a cup of coffee.

if you give her a reason to dress up she loves it, if she has no reason you can catch her in sweats, especially if it’s cold outside.

when it comes to relationships, they were always hard for her since she wasn’t sure if they liked her for her money, her status or to gain some connection to her family. she’s dated people who are both rich or poor, and so far she’s unimpressed with everyone lol

her friends are.. a lot bc she’s rlly not picky with who she’s friends with when she probably should.

⇢PLOT IDEAS/CONNECTIONS

neighbours!

met at a drunk and turn out to be in the same class

cousin!

childhood friend

exes good and bad

coworkers

could have met in the library,

study group/study buddy

maybe they met at some club

a connection where one is using the other

crush

fwb?

just

evERYTHING

but honestly i want all the plots!!

#ill be back after walking my dog #but here have this #im sorry it's long dfkjghdjgdf #somerintro

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szappan · 5 years

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tag time, thank you!

Hello, I hope you’re all having a nice day. The things I was tagged in have clumped up so I thought I could just do them all now. Thank you to everyone who tagged me!!!

1. Diana @britneyshakespeare (thank you so much!!)

Rules: tag people you’d like to get to know better! (reading this i felt like one of those crying cats, im so honoured seriously thank you)

Top 10 songs I can’t stop listening to: this is actually very well-timed because i can actually name these and also @sastrugie tagged me in a similar one, thank you:

You Ain’t Going Nowhere - Bob Dylan

Atlantis - Donovan

All La Glory - The Band

Moondance - Van Morrison

Šlechtici - Golden Kids

Not Enough - FUR

Leave Her, Johnny - George Sneez

Be Bop A Lula - Gene Vincent

Series Of Dreams - Bob Dylan

Márti Dala - Pásztor Anna & Kiss Tibi

Favorite color(s): all but orange on its own. orange paired with something else is fine. it’s amazing if it’s obnoxious.

Favorite ships: two white cats they’re husband and wife, the coconut lorikeets in denver zoo and merthur

Lipstick or chapstick: neh

Last Movie: my brother and i watched Thor: Ragnarök again last week, I think that was it. I’ve been really trying to watch more movies lately, especially considering how it’s the primary art source of the era (not really but it is kinda.. what)

Currently Reading: Winnie the Pooh

i’ll tag everyone at the end of this, thank you!

2. thank you @smittyjaws and @savoy-brown-shoe for this tag from ages ago!

the point is that i shuffle my music library and list the first ten that come up

A 67-es Út - Republic

Death Of A Clowd - The Kinks (look at this babie)

Feel A Whole Lot Better - Tom Petty

Somebody To Love - Queen

Paintbox - Pink Floyd

Piano Concerto No. 1 - Tchaikovsky

No Time To Think - Bob Dylan

The Diary Of Horace Wimp - ELO

The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down - The Band

Oh! Darling - The Beatles

thank u!

3. thank you @thenesmith for this here very 7 questions tag! i love the format you did this in by the way and also @britneyshakespeare too!!

Relationship status: i’m not in a romantic relationship with anyone

Favourite colour: see above but i also realized that i really like that blue that my corduroy shirt is, it’s like light but strong and muted at the same time

Lipstick or chapstick?: no thank you

Top three ships: yuh

Last song I listened to: I’m listening to Help! by the Beatles, thank you youtube autoplay

Spell out your name with song titles: W - Wonderboy - The Kinks I - I Love My Shirt - Donovan L - Lod’ Do Neznáma - Tublatanka E - Everyday - Buddy Holly S - Summer ‘68- Pink Floyd

4. Thank you, Diana @britneyshakespeare yet again!

15 questions, 15 mutuals

Are you named after someone? I am not.

When was the last time you cried? Two days ago on the way home on the bus because I was thinking of a song that made me cry

Do you have kids? no thankfully

Do you use sarcasm a lot? I try not to

What’s the first thing you notice about people? Well, I guess at first glance I see how they look, but behaviour-vise I tend to notice how aware they are of their surroundings

What’s your eye colour? You know that post telling hazel-eyed people to shut up? Brownish-green. Totally green if the lights are right. Totally brown when the lights are not right etc

Scary movie or happy ending? Both can be good, especially combined

Any special talents? I can bend my left thumb in a way that it looks like my hand is broken

Where were you born? Right in the middle of Budapest in a hospital

What are your hobbies? Reading, drawing whatever i can, i guess music, ruining various pieces of clothing with various techniques, putting whatever spices i see in whatever dish i’m making, being gentle with my cat

Do you have any pets? cat

What sport do you/have you played? I used to swim a lot, even tried synchronized swimming for a year or two, then gymnastics when I was littol, then I took up karate and broke my arm three months in so I quit, I tried ballet too this year but that’s over now and I also did yoga for a few months so yeah these are the official ones

How tall are you? 5′4″? 164 cm?

Favourite subject in school? I don’t dislike any of them. I like English a lot tho

Dream job? shepherd. but a lot of people told me that i have potential to better the world and i want to do that too somehow but also if i could just focus on getting through each day not by making money but by making bread or yes, herding sheep, i would do that too.

thank you!!

5. thank you @thenesmith again! this is to post gifs of my top 5 favourite movies. (currently)

1. Spider-man: Homecoming

2. The Road To El Dorado

3. Labyrinth

4. The Rutles - All You Need Is Cash

5. idk Back to the Future

wuh

6. thank you, @siliconpine!

20 songs tag game

A song you like with a color in the title || Crimson and Clover - Tommy James & The Shondells

A song you like with a number in the title || Fourth Time Around - Bob Dylan

A song that reminds you of summertime || Mary Jane’s Last Dance - Tom Petty (obvi)

A song that reminds you of someone you’d rather forget || i dont think theres a song such as this because i dont like forgetting people

A song that needs to be played LOUD || Birthday - The Beatles

A song that makes you wanna dance || anything pink floyd because i came to the conclusion that you cant dance to pink floyd so i always want to prove myself wrong

A song that makes you happy || Happiness Runs - Donovan

A song that you never get tired of || Ophelia - The Band

A song that you would love played at your wedding || Light A Roman Candle With Me - fun.

A song that is a cover by another artist || Dream A Little Dream Of Me - The Mamas & the Papas

A song that you have sung as a duet at karaoke || none sadly

A song that makes you think about life || It’s Alright Ma (I’m Only Bleeding) - Bob Dylan

A favorite song with a person’s name in the title || Maxine - Traveling Wilburys

A song that you think everybody should listen to || It’s Nice To Be Nice - Pugwash

A song by a band you wish were still together || See My Friends - The Kinks

A song by an artist no longer living || Rock & Roll Suicide - David Bowie

A song that makes you want to fall in love || I Got You Babe - Sonny and Cher

A song that breaks your heart || You’re Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go - Bob Dylan

A song that you remember from your childhood || Egy bogár - Cseh Tamás

A song that reminds you of yourself || Friends To Go - Paul McCartney

thank you so much!

7. again by @siliconpine!! thank you so much

A This or That Tag Game

Honey and lemon or milk and sugar // musicals or plays // lemonade or iced tea // strawberries or raspberries // winter or summer // beaches or forests // diners or cafés // unicorns or dragons // gemstones or crystals // hummingbirds or owls // fireworks or sparklers // brunch or happy hour what // sweet or sour no // Rome or Amsterdam // classic or modern art // sushi or ramen// sun or moon // polka dots or stripes // macaroons or croissants// glitter or matte // Degas or Seurat // aquariums or planetariums // road trip or camping trip not a fan of either // coloring books or watercolor // fairy lights or candles

thank you!! i think this is it!

thank YOU if you got this far in, and I’ll tag @vanillatumbleweedscoffee @stars-in-my-damn-eyes @sneez @fancybasementfestival @kipland00 @dreameramongwildflowers @punkslap @rhapsody-under-pressure and everyone who i tagged before and anyone who wants to to do any of these tags as they see fit and if they’re in the mood or have enought time or are just looking for something to do

#tags #long post #i hope the break works

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thehappymessproject · 5 years

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81/100 - Giving ourselves focus and love by choosing one word for the year

This is very exciting for me to write about : I’ve never really done it.

A little bit more than five years ago, I just had discovered the incredible work of Dr. Brene Brown on vulnerability and courage, and it simply blew my mind. I felt like I was reading about one of the most important things I could ever educate myself on.

The books and her TED talks already had changed my daily life in subtle touches, but I wanted more. I also knew I needed more. I was afraid to forget about it in the next few months and hated the thought. So, I took some time to reflect, and over a couple of weeks, came to a big decision (especially for me who used to be commitment phobic in so many ways).

I would spend a year learning courage.

It became one of the most exciting years of my life. For me, learning how to be brave was essentially about saying yes to a lot of things I would have usually say no to out of fear, and no to a lot of things that would bring me comfort in the moment, but preventing me to do things that really mattered to me in the long run.

I tried out a lot of activities I had never tried, but felt curious about like climbing, sewing, baking pastries...

I paid a lot of attention to those moments where I would feel afraid, ashamed or uncomfortable, and pushed myself to be brave in my way of dealing with them.

Choosing to tell a friend that I was feeling hurt and set a boundary rather than silencing myself in hope it doesn’t happen anymore.

When really down, channelling more energy to do anything that would bring myself self-loving comfort rather numbing comfort.

Breaking off relationships that felt depleting to me.

It was a tiring year, sure. But it was also one of the most empowering ones. Each time I would choose the brave path instead of the comfortable one, I would feel stronger and more centred. Embodying the experience of bravery, training those courage muscles.

I realised at the end of the year, when I was feeling really sad about seeing what I called my brave year coming to a year, that I didn’t want to give it up, but I also didn’t want to repeat it as is either. I also noticed that overall, being brave for me had a lot to do with exploring my creativity.

So I decided to make the next year my creative year. I had so much fun!

I started taking way more photos, tried to learn guitar and piano for a while, spent a few months sewing like a crazy person, I wrote more that year than in the decade before, and towards the third trimester of my year devoted to creativity, started to paint with watercolours and do the lettering you can now see on my artsy Instagram account.

Both activities were those bringing me the most joy while allowing me to let my guard down : when painting, I was less attacked by the voices in my head trying to bring me down and discourage me. (ah, the joy of defence mechanisms bullying us...) I was finding more easily ways to bypass them than in any other setting.

I noticed that creating (and doing anything that mattered to me in my life) was only possible for me when I would take good care of myself. When I would commit to loving myself everyday by showing up. But self-care was so hard for me...

So... Yeah you guessed it, I took my practice to a new ground by declaring the following year my self-care year.

I had just discovered the existence of the Find what feels good channel on Youtube a few weeks before, I had ended my creative year with The artist’s way, a 8 weeks program using Julia Cameron’s wonderful book to discover or recover our inner artist, which had taught me how to journal in a way that would connect myself to my heart better than ever. And I had dabbled for a few years on and off with meditation. I had all the tools lying before me already.

As often when we live an intentional life, the Universe (or call it luck if you’re more comfortable) was helping in subtle ways that can only be noticed when we pay attention to the opportunities we are presented with, and allow ourselves to take them.

So I did just that. I finally found the courage to take better care of myself and making it a priority. That year was full of softness and whole heartedness. It felt like discovering the essence of who I was.

Since I was struggling with commitment (still), I focused on one self-loving activity at the time. A few weeks mostly meditating. A few weeks mostly doing yoga. A few weeks getting back to journaling. I thought I could choose which activity I would keep, but realised they all were giving me so much, and yet so differently that I wanted to keep them all.

I would still create more and more, and take my work as a psychologist to another level, and was struggling to make everything fit in my daily time. Now that I knew better what kind of life I wanted, I felt stuck at making it work as a whole.

So I dedicated last year to finding Balance. I loved it so much. It was like deepening everything I had built in the previous three years. The courage, the creative energy and the love.

It taught me how to be more flexible and finding way to make things stick, one step at a time, one day at a time and to honour my pace. I set up a few challenges to help on the way. Strengthened my morning routine that felt easier and more necessary than an evening one (currently working on that).

I explored how my love for art, psychology and writing could be intertwined. It felt like coming home to myself.

This “year” actually took a little bit more time. I used to choose my word of the year at the end of summer. But last September, I felt stuck. I had just moved to the other side of the globe (another marvellous consequence of all that personal inner journey), felt completely thrown out of balance and quite depleted.

Then, a few weeks ago, after a few months finding my footing back, it was suddenly obvious. What I struggled with and had to practice the most lately was letting go : finding ways to trust myself, my intuition and the process. I’d say in short : trusting the universe and finding the flow.

So this year will be my year of flow.

I started by deciding that my practice could now fit better at the beginning of the year rather the school year, the end of the year being a perfect time to reflect and gather our bearings, taking stock.

When I’m down, finding flow is about giving myself the time and space necessary to heal, letting go of the shoulds and musts.

When I’m really happy, it’s more about finding pace, not over doing it.

It is already teaching me how to let go of things, people and spaces that were really important at a time, but became depleting over time. I have never ever felt as free and can’t wait to see more of what this year is going to teach me.

Choosing one word to devote every year to has with no doubt changed my whole life from the inside out. Like a soothing lighthouse in the dark, it gives me a focus point to always rely on.

I am never feeling like time passed by without my awareness anymore, being intentional makes time pass more slowly and mindfully. It is helping me to remind myself over and over what is important, and what gets in the way and distract me. It is teaching me more about myself than I ever felt possible. It is allowing me to create the life I really want.

If reading that essay inspired you to find your own word, I would love nothing more than to know which one you chose and maybe why f you would feel comfortable sharing.

Here are a few questions that can help to start : What are you feeling like you lack of? What would your ideal 2019 be devoted to? What is preventing you from living your best life right now?

Write your answers down and any word that come up too : it will help you a lot to make it real, tangible. The right one for you will spark something in your body when you write it or if you start making art around it. Let yourself feel it, and trust it. Your heart knows.

See you soon, Love, L.

#intention #meaningful #personal #personal journey #focus #100 days project #100 days of writing #the happy mess project #psychologist #counselling #therapist #bravery #creativity #self learning #self care #balance

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angstyteeninthegayscene · 6 years

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Punk Goes Pop-Klance au

I’ve got a lot happening in the next few weeks, so I’ll try to get pt 9 up in the next day or so, so y’all have something in case I don’t have time to write. Enjoy!

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Pt 8

The rest of the day was spent playing video games and eating junk food, allowing Shiro to let loose and Keith to feel a bit of normalcy after his stressful weekend. It neared 9 when Shiro called it quits, so he could grade a few papers before bed. Keith powered down the X-box and retreated to his room to go to bed early, so he could maybe get a decent amount of sleep.

PJ-clad and ready for bed, Keith crawled under the covers and unlocked his phone to pull up a podcast to listen to. He remembered Hunk telling him about the new video from his “internet rival” and switched from his podcast app to Youtube to check it out quickly. He looked through the comments of his Rihanna video and sure enough there it was.

BlueTailor69: I warned you, Brogaynes <www.youtube.com/fakelink>

He snorted and clicked. The page redirected to the video and Keith shook his head when he saw the title, smiling at its ridiculousness, Bring Me To Life Evanescence Remix- also known as Brogaynes is a terrible person and I hate him.

The song opened with an instrumental bit, heavy with anticipation, the beat gradually growing through the first verse. After the first line of the chorus, it dropped hard into a stretch of classic dubstep. The song repeated that pattern, slow build with samples of the original song and heavy drop, one more time before ending on a synthetic trill.

If Keith didn’t have a predisposed hatred of all things dubstep, he would have liked the song. He clicked into the description expecting another snide comment like last time, but it was empty. He scrolled through the comments and saw nothing there either. He thought that was a bit odd and out of character, but dismissed it because they’d never interacted, so there was no reason for him to know anything about this person’s character or be concerned.

He switched back to his podcast app, pulling one up, and closed his eyes. Before he knew it, the hosts said their outro an hour later and Keith was still very awake. He groaned and rolled over to grab his phone. He debated playing another one, but he didn’t feel anywhere near falling asleep, so he opened Twitter with the hope that some mindless scrolling would do the trick.

The racing in his mind gradually slowed as he went through his feed. He passed a list of recommended users, quickly scrolling back up for a double take. No way, he thought, his mind fully alert again, and clicked on the user profile. Sure enough, there it was. BlueTailor69 had a twitter and it was exactly what could be expected. The profile picture was a black background with Fuck You, Brogaynes in white Comic Sans and the description read, I exist solely to spite Brogaynes. Besides, he started it.

Keith couldn’t fight the disbelieving laugh that bubbled up as he scrolled through his tweets. They were pretty much all replies to Keith’s tweets, consisting mostly of various snips and jabs at the songs he covered. He looked again at the most recent tweet, linking to his Evanescence cover, his brows furrowing as he read the caption. Had a shitty weekend so cut me some slack. I can still hate you in any headspace though @BrogaynesMusic ;) That must have been why there was no sarcastic commentary on the video.

Before thinking it through, Keith hit the message button and typed out a quick You ok? Once it sent, he realized that that was probably a bad idea. This guy was likely some troll who just enjoyed fucking with people because he had nothing better to do with his life and wasn’t worth Keith’s time to be worried about. Before he could fully second-guess his decision, his phone pinged.

BlueTailor69: ???

Keith stared at the message bubble, just as confused as to why he was messaging this guy as he was.

BrogaynesMusic: You said you had a shitty weekend. Just asking if you were ok

You stalking me now brogaynes? Was ruining Beyoncé not enough for you?

No, you popped up in recommended and I was just trying to be nice. Sorry for caring. Keith huffed indignantly as he typed the message and sent it.

Dude im kidding lol

… oh

Sarcasm doesn’t translate well over messaging lol knew I should have used an emoji To answer your question, not really? I found out some stuff that upset me and then I was a dick about it Still need to apologize for that

I had a bad weekend too if that makes you feel better

You want me to revel in your sadness to cure mine?

No? just trying to sympathize

ik I was kidding again I really gotta use emojis with u dude

leave me alone

you messaged me broski

…fair sorry I shouldn’t have bugged you

Nah youre good man cant sleep anyway

same

we can talk to each other til we fall asleep, how romantic!! Rivals to lovers! They can make a movie about us! I totally ship it

why are you like this

I didn’t get enough attention as a child im sleep depraved and lucid I hate myself and veil my insecurities with humor take your pick

-_-

(－‸ლ)

Oooooooo fancy how u do that??

skill, you scrub

rude

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

That’s it ive decided your emoji game is too fly for me not to be in love w/ you

I just declared my love and all you have to say is k? K?

you bastard to think I ever loved you

are you always this dramatic

I was an attention-starved middle child. I learned fast

Makes sense going to school for acting then? wait, you’re not some creepy 56 year old who preys on people on the internet right??

Lol im a sophomore in college, music production major actually and I bet you really insulted some lonely 56 year old who scours the internet for companionship to fill his empty soul

Just checking

wbu? You’re not some 56 year old who lures people in with his deceptively youthful voice are you?

Nope, college sophomore too

See! That can’t be a coincidence, we were meant to be together!

Youre weird

Thx I try what are you in for?

Performing arts

Imma take a stab and say singing?

Yep

Nice you could go far with that

I thought you hated my music

Subject matter, not quality you have a really good voice

Thx

Youre supposed to say, you too

Fishing much?

I have a fragile ego and no concept of self worth, I need constant validation

Relatable I hate dupstep, but you’re not terrible

That was painful for you to say wasn’t it

A little, not gonna lie

Well Ill take it anyway :) u tired yet

Keith stifled a yawn as he got the last message.

Yeah a little

Im that boring huh

Shut up, you asked

ik lol feel free to sign off if youre ready to sleep

nah im goodigeudjlflllllllll

you feel asleep in your phone didn’t u lol good night dude

#punk goes pop au #klance #klance au #klance fluff #voltron #voltron legendary defender #vld #vld lance #vld keith #fanfic #fan fiction #klance fan fic #writing #my writing #Eliot's creations

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