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snowyh2o · 3 months

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Hazbin Hotel Episode 7&8 Spoilers:

Ok, ok. I’ve finally calmed down a bit. I have. SO many thoughts on Alastor, that I’m just not gonna touch on them in this post, aside from I FUCKING KNEW HE WAS LOSING IT FBSKDNFBSHHDHFBS.

But what I wanna focus on is Rosie! And how she’s been described as the nicest overlord. And how Cannibal Town is like, the nicest place we’ve seen in hell??? The streets are relatively clean, no one is trynna kill each other. There’s so many people out on the streets, just? Going about their days? Aside from the fact that they’re all cannibals, it’s almost like any other town you’d visit! (I am not familiar enough with the fashion styles over the years to like, accurately date what time period Cannibal Town is supposed to reflect, but it feels old (and somewhere Alastor would fit right in with) lol).

And then we actually meet with Rosie, and she’s in the middle of consulting one of her people, where there’s a HUGE line up of others looking like they’re waiting to consult with her too! And like, even before she spoke with Charlie about her love life, she’s giving advice and comfort and support and connecting to the lady she’s speaking with who apparently wants to eat her husband. Before saying that she’ll set the man straight if the lady sends him to her, and gives her a card if she ever needs any more help.

Like. First minute into seeing Rosie and like. WOW. You can IMMEDIATELY tell that this is the reason why everyone in Cannibal Town’s so chill and happy? Why there’s such a sense of order and security in a place that’s basically just anarchy?

Rosie is both the Overlord, the unofficial mayor, the therapist and consultant and your best friend all wrapped up into one. She’s got an entire lineup of people who are waiting to tell her their woes and listen to her advice. And she’s happy to help!

Even the actual cannibalism is like, so posh and proper? Or it’s treated in Cannibal Town as like, normal food. But also it’s very telling that no one’s killing each other for said cannibalism. In fact, the only times we’ve seen them do so is after an extermination, when there’s a bunch of dead bodies that aren’t reviving lying around. (And they seem to lose their manners when eating then) It is likely tho that they just, target outsiders, since everyone we saw aside from Alastor and Charlie were a part of Cannibal Town.

Just the Juxtaposition of a town literally full of Cannibals being probably THE nicest place in hell for sinners to live in??? Immaculate.

Also, Rosie’s snide comment on how Alastor’s got no manners when it comes to being offered food LOL. And, I just LOVE their relationship and interaction. First time chatting in years and she’s already offering up place with a deal for Alastor to go make. That AMAZING little joke about him being Ace and having it COMPLETELY flying over his head. Alastor letting her touch him, and how genuinely excited and happy the two of them are just talking and interacting. Their little duet in the middle of the song, the way Rosie pulls Alastor out of his scheming to just enjoy the moment. Their dance!!! She’s never been wronged by Alastor before!!! She trusts him to follow through on his side of the unofficial bargain/favor. Looking like proud parents when Charlie finds the courage to sing her pitch. I love, everything about these two, oh my god.

Anyways!!! Back to Rosie being just, a genuinely good aunt? And giving so much good advice for Charlie. Asking her the questions that needed to be asked. Rosie has, such good insight? On what the issue was, and why Vaggie would’ve kept something from her. She didn’t shy away from how big the secret was, but she also didn’t let Charlie spiral into questioning every little part of their relationship. And that little end but when she’s saying that Vaggie is flawed, but so is everyone else down in hell. GAWD. How it’s difficult to admit your regrets. Like, if that isn’t the core of the show, the core of Charlie’s dream, then I don’t know what is. Rosie cut through to the heart of the matter, she didn’t tell Charlie what she should feel or how she should act, but asked her what she’s actually feeling, and why, and told her to trust herself and her own judgement on if Vaggie’s actions were sincere or not. Man she’s such a good therapist.

(I’m half convinced Alastor didn’t just bring Charlie to Cannibal Town and see Rosie just because they needed support and numbers to fight against the exorcists, but also because she’s the best person he knows who can give out good relationship advice and he’s getting a little tired of Charlie venting at him. Especially now that she’s past the self loathing phase and has stepped into the unrestrained anger and frustration at someone else phase)

Also, unrelated topic but here’s a thought: only angel steel/holy weapons/powers can do permanent damage to someone’s body/soul. Vaggie’s eye is torn out by Lute’s exorcist blade, but her wings were just ripped off by hand. Vaggie’s eye never regenerated or recovered, but she was able to regrow her wings. Alastor was struck by Adam’s holy weapon across his chest. What if the injury never fully recovers?

And also, Alastor’s talk about “unclipping” his wings. My friend, once a bird’s wings are clipped they can’t be unclipped! You have to wait for the feathers to shed and grow in new ones. To regenerate. Also what is this talk about you having wings??? Don’t tell me you’re ALSO a secret angel??? Probably not cause your blood is red BUT. Where are you hiding those supposed clipped wings of yours eh?!

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comicaurora · 2 years

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hello! i have a couple questions!!

ysee im in a situation. over the years, i have made Serious Attempts at starting a comic with EIGHT different projects, and none of them have stuck. One of them i even made it 60 pages in before tanking. now im right at the brink of starting my CURRENT project! … for the fifth time…!!

needless to say i am sliiiiiiiiightly worried that this is going to turn out like the last 200,000 attempts. so like.

how do you know when you're ready to start a story?

do you have any experience with false starts, and if so how did you know that this time wasn't just another false start?

how did you handle the transition from the concept and planning part to the actual comic making part ?

and how do you keep going now?

thanks !!!

Whoof, that's a toughie.

I don't know how helpful this will be, but in my experience the only difference between a false start and a long-term commitment is just a matter of willpower - of choosing to keep going after you hit the first wall. Because there will be walls! Every project will eventually hit a bump where you question the value of the entire concept - a tricky bit of plot, an arc you need to scrap and rework, a character you can't get a handle on, a general sense of imposter-syndrome malaise. In fact, if you stick with it long enough, you'll discover that this is a regular occurrence. Walls happen.

The trick, in my experience, is that the wall is a signal, not that the project is a failure or you need to stop, but that you need to put the story down for now. Stories often get polished and worked on when you're NOT actively trying to make progress. My dad calls this "the better writer in the back of your head." That subconscious work can't be done if you're consciously focusing on it, and if you hit a wall where something just isn't working, your BWITBOYH needs a chance to look it over, draw a few connections you maybe hadn't seen, and then bump it back to the front of your brain for approval and execution.

So, ironically, the trick to sticking with a story long term is knowing that when you put it down you can always pick it back up. If an inactive project feels "abandoned" or "failed", you end up with all these negative emotions attached to it that repel you and keep you from picking it back up. That mindset is the real issue - not the work itself. ANY art can have merit; it's not a flaw in the project or in your creative process that makes you step away. The problem is the guilt and the feeling that "oh I ALWAYS abandon things", because that means a natural and unavoidable step in the creative process is just going to make you feel bad and reinforce this spiral. The projects won't judge you for putting them down, and even if you don't end up finishing them, there is always value in picking them back up!

Aurora is a long term project, but there are days - weeks, even - where I make no progress. Months have gone by with me stalled on a storyboard wrestling with writer's block and questioning the point of everything. The trick is I know I can and should indulge those moods, because as long as I don't let it spiral off into self-pity, I'll be chipping away at the problem in the back of my head. I was stalled for literal weeks choreographing an upcoming encounter and what ended up breaking the block was just a tiny new addition - "what if this character had a tool that could do this one thing?" Five pages of storyboarding flowed out that day, and then five more the next, all reshaped by that one additional tool. I'm currently stalled out processing exactly how a single small interaction is going to play out - I know the shape of it, but the character specifics are currently nebulous and hinge on a few larger-scale things I maybe want to use it to plant and pay off. With no angst in this process, I'm not at risk of becoming bogged down in bummers and losing my grip on the story. I know I'll pick it back up, because nothing is stopping me.

#asks #writing stuff

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weaverlings · 1 year

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anyway yeah finally gave into the impulse that's been creeping up on me since like. finishing madarame's palace: if i'm going to be subjecting myself to a persona game, i'd rather it be 4

more words than necessary on this specific subject

the bigotry in p4 is more tightly wound up in the story and that's indefensible. but for some reason p5 was bothering me more and i finally figured out why. it's bc p5 claims to have that whole message of rebellion while dropping in those insidious bits of homophobia?

and in terms of the narrative stuff and p5 is just so. shallow. like i've actually come to like it LESS through the experience of playing it. there is too much to do. the writing falls apart like wet paper and the confidants...

i guess they were going for like, showing how growing relationships with people change ren's cognition and thus give those additional advantages. but so many of them feel rushed, there's no breathing room, and it ends up like you're just getting new toys more than anything to do with building relationships. and even the entire "confidant" idea - these relationships are FOUNDED in the story as something that's more about being a better thief than anything to do with any characters??? and i guess you're supposed to get to know them as you go etc but it just doesn't pan out for me

also the aspect that ties it into mementos... okay i have some ideas of the 3rd semester and maybe that would improve things? but being able to go in and change the heart of a specific person and having THAT be a key component of resolution for each confidant, again just, feels like such a shallow thing. okay, problem solved! yeah i know it doesn't necessarily make everything instantly perfect for those involved but i feel like it undercuts any meaningful, non-supernatural opportunities for growth

in persona 4 there's definitely the issue of like, there's only so much you can develop a relationship over the course of 10 relatively brief cutscenes. but they're relationships that pop up relatively organically - only the party members have any supernatural advantages (that i know of. i didn't do margaret's bc i am bad at fusion and idk anything about marie or adachi yet). but mostly it's like. fellow club members, family, people met through the part time jobs? it's arbitrary perhaps, but for me it just. feels better. makes it feel more about a plainer kind of strength you get through community connections?

and p4 is just a much tighter narrative. it doesn't spiral out of control, really. it's smaller and that's fine. it works. it holds together. like it's not GOOD either but i'm not comparing these two persona games with other games, just each other. persona 4 has a story it wants to tell about a group of conflicted teenagers in a small town struggling with questions of identity as they try to solve a supernatural murder case. does it handle this well? no. it can be deeply uncomfortable even when it's not being actively bigoted.

but p4 does... handle it. unlike p5, which says sexual harassment is wrong while one of its protagonists is regularly harassed and uncomfortable in HER OWN SPECIAL COSTUME TIED TO THE MANIFESTATIONS OF HER TRUE SELF? which talks specifically about rebellion and pushing back against harmful systems and abuses of power - important themes! Themes that did come through in places, you can see someone cared somewhere in writing this - while also sprinkling in bigotry and ultimately kind of. defanging itself?

persona 4 though is just so much more consistent. it's got its themes of identity, of the internal vs external and how other people and wider social pressure can affect you?? it's got a message of how, even when this feels overpowering, it's important not to give in to apathy. like it's clumsy for sure but it's coherent. the story has a core and elements that work together and characters that fit into it.

persona 5 had strong characters who deserved better writing than they got, and a few interesting and/or fun story beats and everything else is just. so thin. persona 4 has strong characters who deserved better writing than they got, and like... a story with some substance to it. themes followed through on. it's not at all subtle but it is quieter, more relaxed. or like.... it just DOES have some breathing room??? the mundane aspects have more weight and that helps it be a more balanced experience

basically p4 has many flaws. i think p5 has all of those flaws but makes them worse due to a lot of padding and lack of consistency in its message. p4 is a bad game but p5 is so much scope so little substance

#heroically speaking #sorry i have been stewing #for weeks now #there's even more that could be said and this is like #a lot of words about something objectively bad. but oh well

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proserpina-magnus · 3 years

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Regulus Black dating a muggleborn

word count: 2863

[ warning; gender neutral reader, mention of death, description of crying, angst, no happy fucking ending, swearing, mention of lap sitting (none sexual), kissing, awkward teen love, regulus is kind of edgy and a dick sometimes ]

Fanon Regulus, not Canon. This doesn't line up with anything canon! So please do not take this seriously.

- Did I say dating? I meant secretly dating.

- Regulus spotted you studying alone at a table in The Three Broomsticks, he just couldn't hide the part of him that felt an intriguing feeling towards you.

- He asked a few people around, nudging them and gesturing towards you, asking a small "who are they?"

- It took him a few days to finally get someone to answer him and once he knew your name, he knew he'd fallen into a rabbit hole. he couldn't stop thinking about you, his mind twirling around your name in a constant spiral.

- Luckily, you had been partnered with him for a potions assignment. he couldn't talk to you, he couldn't even mutter a "hi" he was so nervous.

- He had never felt this nervous feeling in his stomach, it was coming to the point it was drowning him.

- Finally, the next day during potions he was able to gain enough courage and actually talk to you about the project, though his voice sounded so mellow and drawn out, like honey.

- He didn't try to engage in conversation other than the assignment, so when you offered that you and him could go to the library and do a bit more research, he said yes almost immediately.

- You both decided to go after dinner since the library wasn't as filled in the evening.

- So when he came back to his dorm after eating, he tried to change into something more casual than his school uniform. it took him a good 15 minutes to pick what he deemed was fit for the occasion.

- He was just about ready to step out the door with his books until his dormmate said something that caught his interest.

- "you're meeting up with your potions partner, arent you?"

- "Yeah, why?'

- "Nothing, it's just their a mudblood, you shouldn't be hanging around those types of people"

- "oh... I didn't know they were a... mudblood"

- 'yeah, nasty they are. you should just ditch 'em"

- So regulus did, he ditched you. he felt guilty, leaving you all alone in the library. you must had thought he was another pureblood prick.

- His conclusion was right, you waited for a good thirty minutes for him. When you realized he wasn't coming, you just decided to do the whole project yourself, it was better if you could just get this stupid assignment done yourself so you'd both could go your separate ways.

- The next day when he got to potions class, he saw you pass in a report to Professor Slughorn. He felt his stomach drop, he knew well enough you had finished the assignment last night without him.

- After class, he caught up with you, pulling you aside as he watched you stare up at him blankly.

- "what?" you had asked him, a hand on your hip as you gave an annoyed sigh.

- "I'm sorry I ditched you, I just didn't know you were a... muggle-born" he admitted, looking anywhere but your eyes as he caught a few of Slytherin boys looking at the two of you.

- "whatever, Black"

- " you didn't have to do the whole assignment, I would have helped you."

- Your eyes met the Slytherin boys who were watching you both, you gave a pitiful frown.

- " don't worry about it, I get it. next time, just tell the professor you don't want to work with me. don't lead me on for a stupid joke"

- He didn't get to explain himself as he watched you walk away, he felt horrible. he had never felt this deep connection to someone before, it made his heart sink when he watched you turn the corner.

- A few months pass, he hadn't gotten another opportunity to talk to you again. he felt like an idiot, he had a chance and he completely blew it,

- Late at night, regulus would stare at his ceiling and dream about what would happen if he had just done what he wanted if he had gone to finish the assignment with you. You both would meet up, exchange dislikes and likes, talk about your dreams for the future.

- He couldn't focus on quidditch, it was coming more frequent of his team captain yelling at him.

- Luckily, he had gotten another opportunity to talk to you again. both of you were selected to be a part of the slug club. Regulus was going to say no, but when he heard your name get mentioned, he joined.

- The first dinner party of slug club, was like a dream. his eyes scanned over your outfit and how it looked absolutely pleasing on your body. his eyes kept siding over to where you sat and when you caught him, he would just look away.

- After a few more meetings, he was done with the 'whole looking away whenever you looked at him' , there were only a few more months of Hogwarts left. his eyes met yours and he didn't look away, he gave a smile.

- When you had smiled back, he couldn't help but smile a bit wider, his cheeks glowing with a red flame.

- The next meeting, you had sat next to him. it didn't take long until you both had been exchanging words and stories, laughing at jokes and giving each other shy looks.

- After a dinner meeting during slug club, Regulus offered to walk you back to your house common room. (if you are in Slytherin, then he would just walk with you till you both had to go separate ways to your dorm).

- Once you arrived at your destination, it was awkward. He looked anywhere but you, his face was hot with red as he began to get flustered.

- You had said a quiet goodbye, turning to head back to your dorm but he grabbed your hand. Holding you back as he stiffened up and asked you out.

- "will you go out with me? This weekend, it's a Hogsmeade trip, I'll pay." His words were hard, but his body language was a complete mess.

- "you're not gonna ditch me again are you?"

- "no, defiantly not ." His words had still been raw and hard, he felt like he was going to throw up butterflies.

- "I'm a muggle-born, I heard you purebloods don't really like us very much. This kind of seems like a set-up"

- God you hoped it wasn't a set-up, ever since you've sat next to regulus at the slug club meetings, he had stolen your heart.

- "It might become an issue for some... people, but it doesn't bother me much"

- Regulus was defiantly not good at phrasing things, especially romantic feelings.

- You didn't take his words too seriously, you debated for a minute. You wanted to go with him, it felt like every nerve was alive.

- "Alright, one date couldn't hurt" with your words, you leaned up to kiss his cheek.

- "goodnight Regulus" ... and then you had disappointed out of his view. Once you reached your dorm, you screamed into your pillow with excitement.

- The date went well, you both had gone to the three broomsticks sticks and sat at a table near the very back.

- You had talked about everything you could, Though he made sure to stay away from the conversation of his family. He didn't want to ruin the date by mentioning his pureblood supremacist family. It's sorta a mood killer.

- You both stayed out of busy spots, even hiding and giggling in a bush as his dorm mates passed.

- That was your first kiss with regulus, tangled in bushes and twigs as you heard footsteps fading. His lips were soft, his hand coming to rest on your cheek.

- When you pulled away, both of you were flushed and looking towards the soil. He walked you back to Hogwarts, separating ways.

- You both couldn't see each other often, only giving each other looks in class or exchanging waves when passing each other in the hallways.

- It was fine for a few months, though the secret meetings were stressful yet fun. You didn't want to hide anymore, which resulted in your first fight.

- "don't you get it? I can't be seen with you! I've told you about my family. They don't like muggle-borns, this Voldemort guy doesn't either and I can't risk exposing our relationship! You'll get hurt!"

- "I don't care if I get hurt Regulus! Our love shouldn't be hidden because your afraid of what people will think! I'm tired of this sneaking around, I'm sick of it!"

- The fighting continued for minutes, both exchanging hateful words. At one point he had said something very vial, saying he couldn't be seen with someone like yourself.

- "What is that suppose to mean?" You sneered at him, eyes tearing up as your arms crossed over your chest.

- "you know damn well what it means," he said back, quick and hard as he just glared down at you.

- You huffed, turning away as you wiped at your cheek. You turned back, shaking your head at him before disappearing out of the room.

- He stayed in the room for a while, thinking about everything. He was so angry, his veins were about to pop from frustration. He hated his family, he couldn't believe that he would lose the one he loved because of his ratchet mother and father.

- He went to Sirius, which was a first in forever. He explained everything to him, he told him how he was sneaking around with a muggle-born and how he didn't want to stop loving you.

- Sirius smirked, thinking he had finally gotten Regulus to betray their spoiled family. Sirius talked his ear off, telling him that he was glad he was gonna change himself and come join the hated family member club.

- Regulus didn't just want to leave the family, he wanted revenge.

- He disregarded Sirius, telling him to piss off and leave him alone for a while.

- The end of 6th year was coming up and Regulus wasn't given any chance to speak to you. He knew damn well you both hadn't separated, just fought. Though he laid in bed at night and worried so hard he thought his brain was gonna rot.

- On the train, he made sure to pull you into a compartment with just you and him. Shutting the blinds so no one will disturb you both.

- "Regulus I don't want to talk to you"

- "I can't meet with you or write to you all summer, I'm not putting up with this break anymore. I only have 2 hours with you and I'm not wasting it."

- "aren't you afraid you're gonna be spotted with me?" ... Regulus wasn't quite good at sarcasm (HA! As if) but he knew well enough from the tone of your voice that you weren't too happy.

- Regulus sighed hard, watching you look out the window as you played with the bottom of your shirt; tucking it in and out of your skirt/trousers (or whatever you're comfortable in).

- "I'm going to do something crazy over the summer break and I don't know if it's going to work but all I know is if I can protect you, I will."

- "regulus what are you talking about?" You asked, you felt worry build up in your stomach. You reached out, grabbing his hand.

- He instantly interlocked your fingers together, he moved to your side as he stared deep into your eyes. His eyes always looked so cold, but right now in this moment, they felt warm.

- "I love you, honestly, if I could marry you right now I would"

- He denied to speak about what he said before, he didn't give you any more information.

- Halfway through the ride, you had been positioned on his lap. His arms looped around your waist as his head rested in the crook of your neck. He let you play with his hands.

- " I love you too" you mumbled in the quiet atmosphere. Regulus held you tighter at the words.

- "hmm?" He hummed, wanting you to say those words again.

- " you told me you loved me, I didn't say it back. But I do love you regulus, I love all of you."

- Regulus felt himself smiling, he couldn't stop the wide grin as he nudged his head into yours lovingly.

- "I can't wait to see you after the summer break" you whispered to him, kissing his forehead as you felt the train start to slow down.

- Dread filled the empty spaces as you hugged each other as tight as possible, not wanting to let go.

- "it's alright, I'll see you after summer. I promise" he whispered into your ear, before bringing your lips to his and kissing one last time.

- The kiss felt like fireworks, there was so much longing and passion mixed into it you didn't want it to end.

- Sadly, the kiss ended and regulus soon disappeared in the crowd of people.

- That summer, regulus had gotten the death mark, he reeked of anger and emptiness. All he wanted was to see you again, to hold you in his arms and kiss you until you both couldn't breathe.

- He had gotten close to Voldemort, he played all the deatheaters with his fake words and praises. He had learned about Voldemort's Horcruxes.

- Regulus had sat at dinner, fork pressed into his hand as he thought hard. His love for you was so strong, he would kill for it.

- He counted down the days until summer break would end.

- 2 more weeks.... 13 days... 11 days... 8 days...

- On the 7th day before September 1st, his plan came to action. He would destroy Voldemort's Horcrux and defeat him and after, he would live 7th year in peace.

- Though his plans didn't come to a win. It stormed and rages of rain came upon him as he made his way to the cave. All he could hear was his heartbeat and the sound of rain outside, along with the padding of Kreacher feet.

- He could hear his breath, his eyes casting over every edge and dark spot. He smiled, he was going to do it, he was going to defeat Voldemort.

- "Whatever I say Kreacher, don't listen. Just keep feeding me the water"

- Kreacher grumbled, "of course, sir"

- "for you love, all for you" regulus whispered before dipping the shell into the crevasse, bringing it to his lips as he took a sip.

- Drinking the liquid felt like poison, regulus had to fight himself to not throw it up.

- The liquid was almost gone, but Kreacher had to take regulus place and force-feed him. Regulus was begging and thrashing, saying whatever came to mind.

- Regulus couldn't finish the drink, weird slimy skeletons climbed from the water surrounding them. Regulus was in a horrid state he couldn't even tell.

- When Kreacher finally force-feed him the last of it, regulus mind came to stillness. His limbs too weak, but he was able to understand that the weird-looking skeletons were not friends.

- "Kreacher, take the Horcrux and go! Hide it! Try anything to destroy it! Go!" He had yelled out, voice dry and strangled.

- Kreacher had to obey by request, he snapped his fingers and disappeared with the Horcrux.

- Regulus tried to fight, his wand shook in his hand as he casts spells after spells. It worked for a few minutes, but there was only one of him and so many of them.

- Regulus was pulled into the water, he kicked and thrashed in spite of trying to get loose. He couldn't swim even if he escaped, his eyes stared through the muddy water as his lungs filled with it.

- Regulus thought of you, your smile, the first time you kissed him, the way your hand fit in his so perfectly, the way you would send him kind eyes whenever he passed you in the halls.

- He sank, and of course his body was dead, but his mind was still there. He was barely conscious enough, but he was there. His body limp and rotten as the years pass.

- His disappearance travelled fast, you had heard first on the train.

- The first years had wondered why a a 7th year was weeping so bad that they couldn't even stand properly.

- You shook hard, gasping and not even trying to grab anything as you sank to the floor of the train. You couldn't care that people were giving you looks, your boyfriend was gone.

- Regulus was gone.

#regulus black #regulus black x you #regulus black x reader #regulus black smut #regulus black headcanon #regulus black imagine #regulus black oneshot #marauder x reader #marauder x you #regulus black x reader smut #marauder era #marauders headcanon #sirius black #regulus black x gender neutral reader #marauders headcanons #regulus black x reader headcanons #marauders angst #marauder angst #marauders era angst

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dathen · 3 years

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Hello, I love your meta! I was just wondering if you had any thoughts on Martin's belief that he and Jon wouldn't have gotten together under normal, non magnusy circumstances? Because that made me sad.

Thank you so much!! Also apparently you unlocked a ramble, because it turns out I never actually posted all my thoughts about this in one place.

To start: I SUPER disagree with him, on two levels:

- One: Jon was just trying to daydream about "I wish we could have a life together without the constant abuse and trauma." Just desperate for a bit of escapism and comfort, not really asking for a "sorry Jon, you were too awful for that to actually happen." It was an odd subject-hop, especially since Martin was just trying to talk Jon out of a guilt-spiral.

- Two: All of Martin's examples of the "normal job" were already when Jonah's manipulation was in full-swing, and Jon already had two marks! Martin was hired to be a buffet of fear and secrecy! The cards were stacked against them from the beginning, and every bad thing that happened just made it more difficult to connect--but they pressed through it anyway. Martin could have just as easily become another Tim or Melanie, buckling down in blame and hatred of Jon the worst things got. Also something we rarely consider: JON could have reacted to all this abuse and torment by lashing out at those he actually has power over, rather than twisting himself into knots to respect and care for and protect them.

On a Doylist level, the writing for this scene honestly baffles me with the timing, missed opportunities, and implications. But for an in-universe interpretation, I think it's Martin's self-esteem issues at their loudest, colliding with his lack of understanding of Jon at that point.

S5 Martin's characterization really doubled down on his tendency to make assumptions about Jon, and then interpret Jon as being in denial if he disagrees (similar to his reaction in 154): he only wants to take Jonah's place because he enjoyed smiting people, not because he feels it's genuinely a way to help; he doesn't want to release the fears into the multiverse because he wants to martyr himself, not because he wants to prevent the fears from spreading; etc. It totally makes sense why Martin would have this habit with Jon: just look at how much deflection Jon does in the first three seasons, and how much we learned how the truth was very different from what Jon said. And Martin completely missed everything about s4 Jon's growth EXCEPT for him feeding on people!! He hasn't had time to adjust to Jon's new level of openness, especially when there are (seemingly) much more obvious explanations.

As for Martin's self-esteem issues, the way Jon treated Martin in s1 probably slotted right alongside how Martin's mother treated him, except Martin was in denial for years about his mother hating him. It makes sense that he'd be certain Jon hated him, and would continue to do so forever! Also apparently--and this takes an extreme stretch of disbelief for me--Jon and Martin got together without ever discussing how Jon used to treat Martin, so Jon never explained how it was all due to his insecurity and projection rather than actual hatred. Martin sees Jon's treatment as just because of how Martin is as a person, and seems to think that Jon only ended up with him because Martin's the only one who stuck with him after a thousand terrible things.

TLDR, I totally get where Martin is coming from, and am 1000000% in support of every AU or TMA epilogue fic that proves he's wrong (I read one the other day that was SO LOVELY). But at the same time I honestly refuse to believe that they were together for six months and discussed WHETHER GOD IS REAL, but Jonathan "apologizes for getting kidnapped" Sims never apologized for his s1 behavior after listening to tapes from s1 on repeat for who knows how long. So.

#tma #the magnus archives #tma spoilers #tma meta #martin blackwood #jonmartin

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cupidsintern · 3 years

Text

wyd?

modern au, established relationship, i think nancy's gay

Steve’s on TikTok when the text comes in. He’s doing better lately, good enough that he can get baked by himself and not worry about spiraling. Instead he made a peanut butter marshmallow sandwich and listened to his most recent playlist all the way through like eight times and texted Robin for a while- she’s visiting family, lots of ‘Steve pls come rescue me pls ’- and now he’s on TikTok.

It’s not late-late. But it’s not early. And he knows Nancy and Jonathan are having issues- he heard about it from the kids who don’t get that gossip is not helpful to feelings- but he didn't know they went on a break. Until he gets the text.

10:46pm - 1 New Notification

Nancy Wheeler: Hey

Typing…

Nancy Wheeler: Haven't talked in a while. How are you?

Steve clicks the notif bar. He stares at the text. It’s not like he never talks to Nancy. She’s just not Baby <3 in his phone anymore. Hasn't been for a while. He used to wonder what Jonathan put her as in his phone.

Steve can scroll up to see previous texts- Hey i had a doctors appointment during third did you get the homework outline? And Lucas left his water bottle at our house! Mike has it with him

And, more recently: Happy Birthday! Hope it's a good one :)

But this feels different. This singular ‘hey’ in its own grey bubble kind of puts Steve on edge. He doesn't respond right away, figures he should text Robin to ask if he’s just being paranoid first but- shit she went to sleep didn't she. And while he’s typing out a “Hey when you wake up” message to Robin he gets another notif.

Nancy Wheeler: Jonathan and I are on a break

Then,

Nancy Wheeler: Sorry, I probably shouldn't be texting you haha. Just wanted some company i guess

Steve feels a hot flash of anger. Rolling in his stomach like lava. Jesus he’s too high to be this angry.

He picks up his phone again.

Types out “fuck you” and deletes it and then “thats understandable but maybe you should text one of your other friends” and then deletes it and then types out “why are you texting me we're not friends" and then deletes it and then-

Clicks back, scrolls down, and texts Billy.

You: R u still awake?

Steve gets a response within seconds.

Billy <3: aw do u miss me or smth?

Billy <3: gay

That makes Steve smile. Makes the anger cool down considerably, and he sits up a bit in bed.

You: Yes but also

You: Nancy texted me?

Billy <3: about what

Billy <3: about how she broke up with Jonathan?

You: H o w do you already know that

Billy <3: i know everything. Why’d she text you??

Steve gets another notif from Nancy. He doesn't want to open it.

Luckily, he doesn't have to right away. Billy calls him.

“No one’s home.” Is Billy's opener. “Speak freely.”

“Good evening to you too.” Steve says, relieved to have the sound of Billy’s voice to lean into.

“So what does Wheeler want?”

Steve’s thumb hesitates over the notif bar.

“She said her and Jonathan are on a break and she ‘wants company.’”

“Wow.” Steve can hear poorly concealed jealousy in Billy’s words. “That’s. Wow.”

“Don’t be j-”

“I’m not jealous.”

“Oookay.” Steve laughs a little. He still hasn't opened Nancy’s text.

“Are you going to respond?”

“No fucking way, man-” Steve starts, then another text.

Unread message: I need someone to talk to. I don’t know who else I could ask.

Steve’s brow furrows.

“What happened?” Comes Billy’s voice.

“She, uh.” Steve opens the chat finally. “Hang on.”

You: Hey

You: Seems like you're in a tough spot. Not sure I’m the right guy. Maybe you could talk about it with a closer friend?

Nancy: That’s just it.

Nancy: I don’t have any friends.

Nancy: I have no one else. Johnathon was the last person left I was close with and i fucking blew it. I have no idea what to do i'm lost and confused and i just really really could use someone to talk to.

Typing...

Nancy: Please

“Babe?” Billy again. “Yeah,” Steve exhales. “Nancy, uh. Sounds pretty bad actually.”

“She reeling you in with that act?”

“I don’t think it’s an act, Bills.” Steve sits up straighter. “Something’s wrong.”

He’s typing out a vague enough response when the next text comes in.

Nancy: I think I'm gay

Then-

Nancy: Can I call you?

I think I’m gay.

That’s. Okay. That’s… something. Something that kind of makes sense now that Steve thinks about it, connects a lot of dots Steve didn't know were floating around but.

Jesus, Nancy must be having a heart attack.

“Billy, I have to call you back.” Steve says, then realizes the kind of push back he’s going to get on that.

“Call me back?” High and mighty already. “You can't just ditch me with a ‘call you back’ when your ex is actively weedling her way-”

“She’s not weedling. She’s not doing well and she has no other friends.” Silence. “Please don’t pout-”

“I’m not pouting.”

“Aw,” Steve leans his head into the receiver a little. “If I say you look cute when you pout, will that hurt or help my case?”

“Hurt.”

“Ok, I promise I’ll call you back right after I talk to her.”

“You fucking better.”

Steve says “I love you” before he gets off the phone and is medium relieved to hear Billy say it back.

Steve calls Nancy. She takes a while to pick up. When she does, he can tell she’s been crying.

“You didn’t have to call.” Is the first thing she says. She sniffs right at the end.

“Seemed like you were having. A rough night.” Steve says. Her text hasn't fully sunk in, he’s thinking about all the times she called him crying. How they got more frequent right before the end.

“I shouldn't have bothered you, I’m sorry, you can go.” Nancy’s voice builds a little. She sounds frantic.

Steve can’t really feel soft feelings about Nancy cause all of them just piss him off or ice his blood but. He’s worried. “No, no it’s-” Then Steve hears the background noise. “Dude, are you driving?”

“I- w- yeah.” Nancy sounds a little defensive.

“Oh my god.”

“I just needed to clear my head! I know I shouldn’t have called it just…”

Steve steeled himself for the words he knew were about to come out of his mouth. No matter how much of a hothead Steve could be (not as much as Billy but still), he was still a total pushover about shit like this. “Do you. Want to come over?” Steve asked stiltedly. “If you're, you know, already driving around.”

Nancy sounded relieved when she said yes.

When Steve got outside to meet Nancy’s mom’s car’s headlights, it was raining.

“Hey,” was the first thing he said when she walked up.

Looking at Nancy doesn't do much to Steve anymore. Not the way it used to. Not the way looking at Billy does now.

Looking at Billy feels how Steve assumes people in the way-back-when felt when color TV was invented.

Nancy looks as washed out as Steve thinks she feels.

“Hi.”

“You wanna come in?”

Nancy hesitates. “I don’t. Want to impose.”

“It’s raining, Nance.”

She looks surprised, like she didn't notice. “Oh.” then. “Okay.”

Steve steps back as Nancy walks onto the smooth tile right in front of the front door. It’s quiet enough after the door closes Steve thinks he can hear her hair dripping onto the ground.

“So,” Steve says after a bit. “Did you-”

“I’m sorry.” Nancy says suddenly. But it’s not the panicked little “sorry’s” from earlier, it’s a single, earnest one.

“For what?” “Everything.” More tears are streaming down her cheeks now. “I know I shouldn't have bothered you, I didn’t- I wasn’t a good girlfriend. Or a good friend. I just. I thought maybe I would know who I was if someone else did, but I didn't. And I don’t have anyone else, and I remember when- when you told me you were bi when we were dating and I was weird about it but now i think I was just jealous- because- bec-” Nancy cut herself off, unable to keep going with the tears closing up her throat.

Steve swallowed pretty hard. “Because. You think, you’re gay?”

Nancy sat down on the floor.

“The floors all wet-”

“I know, Steve.” Nancy cut him off gently. He was familiar with the tone.

Steve looked at her, looked at the floor, and opted to sit next to her. The rain was hitting harder on the door behind them.

Nancy didn't seem like she had anything more to say. Steve tried to think of something to ask.

“Why, uh. Why do you think you are?”

“I don’t know if I am.” She said quickly.

“Why do you think you might be?”

She sighed, pushed the wet hair off her face. “You don’t have to talk to me about this. I figure it probably doesn't feel good to hear.”

Steve hadn't thought of that. If Nancy is gay, that means she probably wasn't ever actually into him. Not just after a while, but from ‘go,’ it wasn't the same for her.

“Not great.” Steve admitted. “But. It isn't about me.”

Nancy sighed again. “Why are you so nice?” She mumbled. “Both you and Jonathan.” Then she teared up again.

“I thought maybe.” Nancy started up after clearing her throat. “That I didn’t… feel as much because. I was just with the wrong person.” She glanced sideways, clearly feeling worse with every word. “But. I didn’t. I just. I felt the same. Like something was missing.”

“You always feel like that?” Steve was kind of surprised. “Like, with every relationship?”

“Romantic ones, yeah.”

The rain got louder again. “I was…” Nancy fought to say the next words. “I didn’t always feel like that.”

“With us?” Steve hopes a little. “Or with Jonathan?”

Nancy speaks a little softer, like it will soften the blow to Steve, to herself. “...With Barb.”

Billy was going to give Steve so much shit for falling for Robin and Nancy since it sounded like they were both gay. He already had gotten shit about Robin. “This is a problem unique to bisexuals.” had been Billy’s quip.

Nancy talked a bit more easily after that one admission. About why Barb's death hit her so hard. About why she felt bad for hurting Steve, how confused she was, how alone.

How she pushed everyone away except whoever held the position of boyfriend because she didn't ever feel right around people. But boyfriend seemed. Normal.

Steve was pretty familiar with feeling like he Should Do whatever was ‘normal.’ His parents weren’t exactly pleased when ‘being bi’ turned out to be an actual thing and not just a family conversation they could keep pretending they didn't have.

Nancy was crying again. Said she was sorry again.

Steve hugged her.

It was pretty awkward. He was trying not to touch her too much and her hair got his sweater wet, but she tucked her face against his chest like she always used to.

Something about that clicked. How hugs had always felt closer for them than kisses. How maybe they had been meant to be friends, and just misread the signs.

Maybe they could be friends now. Maybe.

Nancy pulled away and wiped her nose. “Thank you.”

“Yeah.”

Steve checked his phone to let Nancy fix her face a little and then winced at the sheer volume of messages from Billy that popped up on his screen.

“What’s up?’ Nancy asked, leaning back over.

“Oh, just Billy.”

“Oh god,” Nancy grimace. “He can’t have been pleased I came over.”

Steve opened the messages. “He’s not. But I told him it was important.” “You can. Tell him.” Nancy said tentatively. “If you want. About what we talked about. About me.” Billy was gonna get a kick out of this. But Steve felt more somber about it than Billy probably would.

It was weird.

He’d been in Nancy’s shoes. But he’d also been completely in love with her. So at once he was hurt and sympathetic.

But he also felt. Better.

Something about the two of them, Steve and Nancy, always seemed. Unfinished.

This was probably the close out they needed.

“I should call Billy back.”

“Of course.” Nancy looked almost embarrassed. “I can go-”

“Nah, stay a bit.” Steve was standing up, unlocking his phone to a slew of “wheeler has been on my shit list from day ONE” and “i know you’d never cheat like i know that i'm not crazy but my therapist said.” Makes Steve smile at his phone. “‘I'll make you tea or something."

#i just! think nancy is a lesbian #shes not been Great to either of her bfs #so maybe theres a good reason!#nancy wheeler #steve harrington #billy hargrove #steve x billy #billy x steve #harringrove #harringrove fanfic #background harringrove #my fic

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gallavictorious · 3 years

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love your metas, so can i get your thoughts? i've always felt that personality wise, fiona/ lip are alike, and then ian/ debbie are alike. fiona/ lip are smart but often lost in what they want out of life/ what path to take. they both self sabotage and spiral in response to that. s4/ s9 fiona and s6/ s7 lip had similar arcs. they seem to need to receive romantic "love"/ validation, more than to give it, and can be selfish in that. but they are very giving when it comes to their family. [1/2]

[2/2] so anyways, whereas ian/ debbie very much want to give "love" as much as they want to get it, to the point that they always let any awful person who demands it, have it. kash/ ned/ caleb/ trevor/ matt/ derek/ the s10 2 ladies/ etc were all like that. (mickey being the 1 exception ofc!) they can be manipulated and therefore taken advantage of. but they work hard and take pride in that and know what they want (rotc/ emt and babysitting/ welding). but debs is selfish obviously, and ian isn't

Hiya nonnie! That's some very interesting thoughts right there, and a few I hadn't considered before! Let’s see...

I think you make a great point about Fiona and Lip both being smart but lacking a clear idea of how to translate that into a sustainable lifestyle, and they certainly do have a tendency to self-sabotage. In fairness, fairly often it's things outside of their control that derail them – which I think is a very good illustration of how much harder it is to ”make it” when you come from that sort of background. Even when they aregiven opportunities and try to capitalize on them, there's so very little margain for error; everything is always just one small step from collapsing, there's always something going on with their family that they need to deal with, and when things do go wrong, they mostly lack the resources (mental and financial) to respond in a good way. Their coping mechanisms are maladaptive as all hell, that's for sure, courtesy of their fucked-up upbringing. But yeah, quite apart from all that, I think Lip and Fiona have a habit to fuck things up for themselves by not doing great with stability in general. Rob's an asshole but not entirely wrong when he calls Fiona a chaos junkie, and Lip's issues with authority and alcohol don't exactly make things easier for him.

Additionally, I think that while Lip and Fiona are both capable of hard work – and for a long time they certainly work their assess off to take care of their younger siblings – they also have a tendency to look for quick fixes and easy outs? They're problem solvers and quick thinkers, and they had to be, to deal with the mess Frank and Monica have made of their lives, but I'd argue that this survival tactic has developed into a somewhat problematic predispotion to eschew slowly, steadily working their way towards a goal in favour of leaping on ”smart” deals and opportunities. Which isn't always bad, of course, but it has caused them a fair share of problems; consider, for instance, Fiona and her real estate escapades in season 9 and Lip's highly questionable choices in season 11. (I just watched 11x07 again and GOD do I want kick him in the nuts. I love Lip, but grow the fuck up, man. Tami is a bloody saint for being as patient with him as she is.)

In contrast, Ian and Debbie have a crazy strong work-ethic and are highly goal-oriented. They fix their eyes on the prize and they fucking go for it, putting in the hours and the work without hesitation or complaint. They are far less likely to look for short-cuts or screw themselves over because they get bored with the monotomy. That doesn't mean their path to success is a straight one, of course; Ian's bipolar has wreaked some proper havoc for him, and though she's succeed in both having a kid and a job she trained for, Debbie's narcissm is keeping her from developing the strong bonds (familial and romantic) that she so desperately craves. I think the difference between Ian and Debbie here is that Ian is genuinely looking for a partnership and a real connection (to such a degree that it sometimes leads him into highly unfortunate relationships) whereas Debbie thinks she wants that but isn't prepared to actually be vulnerable and perceptive to the other person's needs to such a degree that a real partnership becomes possible. She never, I feel, actually sees and knows her partners for who they are; she projects onto them her idea of what they should be like, and responds to that, not to them. It hasn't ended well, so far.

And I have to say that while Trevor (of whom I'm fond in spite of his flaws, so you'll find no hate for him on this blog) and (especially) Caleb have their issue I don't think it's fair to compare them to Kash and Ned. As for Matt and Derek, they may not be perfect, but I'd argue that Debbie treated them far worse than they did her. I mean, she did rape both of them. (Out of youthful ignorance, sure: it's still sexual assault. I do find it very interesting and quite encouraging that she obviously recognizes her own guilt in season 11.) By and large, Debbie has treated her partners worse than they have treated her, which is certainly not true of Ian. (Which doesn't mean Ian's a saint. Boy's got plenty of flaws, and he doesn't always treat his lovers perfectly – the cheating comes to mind – but in general he doesn't treat them badly at all; as you say, he is more likely to allow himself to be treated badly by them.)

Circling back to Lip and Fiona, I think you have a point in them craving the way their partners make them feel, but being less interested in having a partner to build a life with, if that makes sense? They aren't really looking for someone to share their lives and struggles with (which might be the resulf of them being used to having no one but each other to rely on for most of their lives); they want that high of being in love and in lust, and when things get a bit too steady and boring, they get restless. Jimmy was, admittedly, a big support for Fiona for a while, but it was quite one-sided: always on her terms. Lip might be coming around on that with Tami, though – possibly because she's assertive enough to push back against him and not let him get bored. Also, Lip (and Fiona) has shown himself to be far more devoted to kids in his care than to his partners, so I'm sure Freddie's existence is a major factor in him sticking it out with Tami even when things are hard. (Not to suggest he doesn't love Tami; I think that she's by far the best match for him on the show.) At the end of the day, I think that Lip and Fiona would enjoy someone properly at their side and in their corner – they just need to understand that that's something they can have, and that for it to work, they need to be in their partner's corner too. As I said, Lip might be on the way, though his unwillingness to solve problems together with Tami is worrisome; who knows what Fiona's up to in Florida; Ian's already got it, and as for Debbie... she knows she wants it, but not how to achieve it. For her, I think, the answer might be to reassess how important having a partner really is to her; does she truly want it, with all the compromises it inevitably entails? Then again, she's young yet; we were, I think, none of us very good at relationships at 20, and Debbie (and her siblings) has had a rougher go of it than most. She has time to learn.

This took... forever, nonnie, so I do hope you see this!. :o Can't say I expect my scattered and tentative musings to have been worth the wait, but I ended up having a lot of fun thinking about this, so here's to you finding something of value in there. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me! <3 And as always, if anyone else wants to chime in you're more than welcome to; my ideas on this aren't very fixed, so I'd love to hear other or additional perspectives.

#the prize for being the Gallagher Least Bad at Relationships is getting to marry one mickey milkovich #congratulations to our worthy winner ian #no wonder he fought so hard for it... 😏#and oh would you look at that!#i answered an ask!#i am very excited about this!#so sorry for the wait nonnie this ask had me thinking a lot so i loved it #lip gallagher #fiona gallagher #debbie gallagher #ian gallagher #meta #asks #my stuff

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heyhihellowhatsup0 · 3 years

Text

Tangled Webs - Chapter Seven (Dark! Peter Parker x Reader)

Dark Webs Masterlist | Tangled Webs Masterlist

Warnings: Angst, language, Topics of death and depression, PTSD, more angst, violence, a bit more fluff and smut than the last series (but not in this chapter)? Somewhat ignoring the MCU timeline due to mature content

Word Count: 4825

Summary: After doing your best to walk on eggshells around Peter, you finally reach the boiling point as you and him face (most) of your drama head on…

A/N: It’s been a hot minute but I’m back with an update. Hope ya’ll didn’t forget about this series like I did lmao. I hope you like this chapter and give me some sweet words because I missed it so much! DM me to be tagged and I hope you guys like it!! Please like and share if you can! (Also I found this .gif on google, so if you made it, or know who did, let me know and I will credit!) Thank you xx -N

You barely slept the last few days as you trapped yourself in your apartment in Stark Tower since the incident. You were sick, with no possible form of treatment and to boot, you almost were found out by Peter about what you were doing. Two things you weren’t sure how to deal with just yet. But you knew one thing for sure, you couldn’t take much more of these secrets.

Not being able to see Peter or talk to him was killing you. And with you and him broken up, it only made it harder. You were always independent, especially when Peter and you stopped being friends. You made your own money, solved your own problems, you even saved Peter a handful of times. So it wasn’t so much that you were one of those girls who needed Peter to constantly save you; but you were a team. And everything you did together made the both of you even stronger. That was one of the reasons why Peter and you worked so well.

But with Peter gone, and you struggling with your own issues; you could feel yourself getting weaker and weaker. The lethal combination with Octavious and your disorder mixed along with probably the worst of it all; you were missing Peter and heartbroken over him being gone. And the worst part was that you didn’t even blame him for pulling away. You definitely deserved it after hiding everything from him. You just wished that even if you did tell him the truth, that it would be enough.

But how could it be enough?

Pushing yourself out of bed, you used whatever strength you could muster up so early in the morning. You needed to conserve that and your energy for when Octavious called on you these days, which would only make you even weaker in the process. You would laugh at the irony, but you were too tired to.

You didn’t want to think about your death but given recent events; it popped up in your mind pretty frequently these days. You didn’t want to think so morbidly and always tried to remain positive but how could you not when your body was literally at war and the venom that saved your life was also potentially killing you? Death was inevitable for you now, and you were looking at it right in its eye.

Of course, Peter was always one of your first concerns. You saw how when you started spiraling out of control affected him; how upset he would be, or how Peter would blame himself for his actions. It killed you to think what he would say or do when you weren’t there to keep him grounded and remind him that there was nothing he could have done. That it wasn’t his fault and he shouldn’t blame or punish himself; and that finding somebody responsible was a waste of time.

You wanted to tell Peter to prepare him, to get the grieving out of the way if he could and enjoy whatever time you had left with Peter. But now, you weren’t even sure if you and Peter were going to make amends, and that scared you more. Would he even care about your health now? As much as you wanted him to, you knew Peter should focus on himself anyway. So you couldn’t help but think that maybe if he didn’t know, it would be best for everyone.

Snapping yourself out of your dark thoughts for a moment, you heard your coffeemaker go off. Grabbing your mug and bringing it to your lips, you stopped as you felt something run through your body as you stared at the front door. Somebody was coming to the door. Morgan had school and no way was Agent Kent knocking on your door after you made him look like an idiot in front of half of S.H.I.E.L.D.

You hurried to the door, hearing the door handle begin to jiggle and opened it. Your eyes widened as you looked at Peter standing in the doorway wearing a navy blue hoodie and jeans. His soft brown curls tousled and all over the place as his tired and now bloodshot eyes were staring back you bewilderedly.

“Hi,” you spoke out in a tired voice. Clearing your throat as you opened the door. The first time you actually saw Peter. The last time you saw him was at the ATM, unbeknownst to Peter that you were the one who knocked him into the window, leaving him to explain that to S.H.I.E.LD and Kent how he still hadn’t caught you. Again.

“I...uh...how did you know I was here? I didn’t knock?” Peter questioned as he looked at you. He knew exactly how long it had been since he saw you last. Nine days and eleven hours, Peter was counting his days a lot lately. It had been nine days and eleven hours, but it felt like it had been years dragged out of him. And now, he didn’t know what to say.

You looked different to him for some reason, and he couldn’t figure out why. He used to love seeing you in the morning with a fresh face as you made coffee wearing one of his old school hoodies. But this morning, you looked like a different person to him. Tired, pale, almost like you were getting sick.

Letting Peter in, you cleared your throat again, “I heard footsteps,” you answered to try and tip toe around the subject. You looked at the coffee on the counter as you ran your fingers nervously through your hair, “Coffee?” you offered him, not sure what to say to him. You never thought you’d see the day where you and Peter had nothing to say to one another.

Peter shook his head, “No, thank you. I just came to pick up some things,” he admitted, pressing his lips into a line as he showed you the duffel bag in his hand. Was he really about to pack his belongings and move out? Granted, it was just a few floors up; but how long was he planning on staying up there? Another week? A month? Forever? He didn’t like any of those options at all. But he knew he had to do it for now to protect you and most importantly; to protect you from finding out that Peter started drinking again. He knew if you found out, it would only trigger you more. And it was just the two times, he was hoping he could get himself to a meeting before anybody else found out.

He headed into the bedroom towards the closet, placing his bag on the chair nearby and unzipping it. He wasn’t really even looking at what he was taking, just grabbing whatever he could and began stuffing it into his bag. It felt like he was almost saying goodbye, and it wasn’t what he wanted to do at all.

Peter had been dreading coming here for days but he needed fresh clothes and truth be told, he wanted to check in on you. He had missed you these last few days and you always calmed him down no matter what you were going through. But he was worried about you too. And as much as he wanted to be there for you while you dealt with your demons, he also knew his demons were at bay and he couldn’t be around so much chaos right now. For his own sake.

“So...” you started to say a bit awkwardly, leaning up against the door frame as you stared downward towards the ends of your hair, “I think I may have a name for the guy you put away from the ATM. I was going to try and research a bit today,” you offered him what little intel you had. Especially since you couldn’t say much without mentioning Dr. Octavious, that would only connect Quentin Beck to you and you knew Peter would get killed if he knew too much.

Licking his lips as he jammed some sweatshirts into his bag, Peter nodded slowly, “Just be careful, okay?” he finally said as he kept his eyes on his bags, almost as if he was afraid to look at you otherwise he didn’t know what he would do. If he did, he’d probably stay longer, “Can’t trust many people right now,” he said a bit lower.

Yeah, like me, you thought to yourself, swallowing thickly. All you could do was nod your head as you tucked your hair behind your hair nervously. You couldn’t do this anymore. The hiding and lying. You were building so much inside of you and it was only making you feel worse, mentally and physically. You couldn’t afford to lose Peter, not now.

Moving a bit closer to him, you placed your hand on his shoulder to get his attention, “P-Peter, I-I have to tell you something,” you stammered, feeling your voice grow weaker as you felt the lump grow swollen in your throat. You were terrified of this moment, and you were more afraid because Octavious was listening in, as always. And if he was, then you didn’t have much time at all to tell him.

Peter’s brow furrowed as he turned his head to face you. He saw the distraught expression on your face and knew something was wrong. He knew you were hiding something from him and it was literally tearing the both of you apart, “Okay, what’s going on?” he asked you as calmly and rationally as he could.

You sucked in a sharp breath as tears began to prick your eyes. Your heart was beating out of your chest and you felt like your legs were about to collapse at any moment. Your bottom lip quivered the more you stared into Peter’s big eyes, trying to find your voice in the silence that was deafening between you both.

“I really fucked up. I…” you trailed off as you began to cry, the tears streaming down your cheeks more now, “I was so stupid and now it’s worse. So much worse, Peter,” you told him through your sobs.

“What? What’s worse, Y/N?” Peter asked as he raised his eyebrow. He was afraid of what you were hiding, but he hated the fact that you were hiding it more than anything. Whatever it was, it was big enough for you to decide that it would freak Peter out; and that bothered him the most. That you thought he couldn’t handle whatever it was you were going through.

You sniffled as you stared down at the floor, unable to even look at Peter right now as you tried to relax your breath, “Last summer...when I…” you could barely get a word out between your sobs, “At the game,” you finally got out.

“The game?” Peter questioned, his eyebrow quirking up as you looked at you suspiciously, “The Yankee game? With the elemental?” he asked for clarification.

Shaking your head frantically, you grabbed Peter’s arms to pull him closer, “That’s just it, Peter. It wasn’t an elemental! Don’t you find it strange you didn’t find anything that night? You came home empty handed,” you explained, your voice becoming more and more hysterical.

“Y/N, what are you saying?” Peter asked again, trying to figure out what it was you were trying to tell him. You had so many secrets these days, Peter knew that. And he couldn’t tell if this was a secret, or was it a bender? “Do you know what was responsible for it?” he tried again, trying his best to keep his tone level. He hated seeing you so upset and he didn’t want to make you any more upset than you clearly already were.

You nodded your head, “Okay, I know I sound absolutely crazy right now but I-”

You felt a pull on your throat, making you gasp. It felt as if your breath was taken away, like somebody just punched you right in your windpipe, preventing you from speaking. Wheezing out your breath, you saw Peter’s face waiting for you to answer. But you couldn’t utter a word.

Octavious, you thought to yourself.

He was listening in now, and controlling you. Preventing you from telling Peter the truth about what was wrong with you. Octavious wanted Peter dead and risking this conversation was enough, but you really needed to tell Peter what was going on. In hopes that maybe it wasn’t too late, for you or him; and some of these horrific events could be prevented.

And once again, you were frozen now. Blocked from telling Peter the truth and unable to help him find Octavious and get to him before he got to Peter. Or before you got to Peter. You were capable of so much these days, it frightened you to no end. And without Peter helping you control it, you were damned.

“What do you know?” Peter asked again, getting a little bit closer. He tried taking a whiff of your breath, but he couldn’t smell anything. His senses weren’t triggered, but he knew what a bender looked like. He’d hit bottom before. Granted his bottom looked a lot worse, he could still sense it from a mile away.

You tried to open your mouth but nothing came out. Tell him about the venom, you shouted at yourself. Tell him about Octavious, and the robberies. Tell him it was killing you and destroying you from the inside out. Tell Peter you needed his help.

With tears streaming down your cheeks, you shook your head at him as you tried to speak; but nothing came out once more. You hated this. You were so close to being free just to be silenced once again. You didn’t know how much more of this you could take. It was becoming more and more obvious how much you needed Peter’s help, and he couldn’t give you anything if you were being controlled by Ock.

“I will have you rip out his throat if you so much as whimper in his direction right now, Y/N,” Octavious’ voice threatened you inside of your head, and you felt your stomach beginning to churn once more. You always tried to fight back, but in this moment, you were truly terrified of something happening to Peter. So you didn’t.

Looking down at the floor, you focused on Peter’s sneakers as you shook your head at him. Biting your lip to restrain yourself from saying anything further so Peter wouldn’t get hurt. You could tell he was disappointed in you, and you couldn’t blame him for it.

Peter sighed, running a hand over his face as he licked his lips, “Y/N, I know you’re going through a bad time right now. I’ve been there, and it kills me seeing you going down this path that I never wanted you to go down,” he had to stop himself for a minute, saying it out loud to you hurt him even more. He hated that this was the reality of your relationship, “I am so worried about you, I am. And you know I want to be there for you, and I’m trying to be. But you have to tell me what you need first,” his voice became rugged and raspy the longer he spoke, knowing he couldn’t say much else at that point.

He leaned forward, bringing his lips to the top of your head before he reached down and grabbed his bag on the floor. Taking a few steps towards the door before he looked at you one last time standing in the doorway, still staring down at the floor holding back your tears. And Peter was trying to do the same.

“I’ll be training all day and then I’m crashing with Kent if you need me for anything,” he finally told you, seeing you nod your head slightly before he turned and walked out of the front door.

The door shut behind Peter, and you collapsed to the floor. Sobbing to yourself as you grabbed a hold of the necklace Peter had given you, clutching onto the spiderweb pendant for dear life. You always told Peter everything. And now you didn’t even know who this person was anymore.

“We’re striking big tonight, Y/N,” Octavious’ voice ran through your mind as you tightened your grip on your necklace, “Rest up for it…”

--------

No matter what Peter did, he couldn’t shake the look you had on your face as he geared himself for his night. The look of pure terror on your face replayed over and over again in his mind as he got his suit on. His speech still fresh on his tongue while he pulled his mask over his head; wishing maybe he hadn’t been so harsh. The sound of your cries he overhead from the other side of the door when he left repeated while Peter initiated KAREN. He wished he hadn’t heard it, it nearly made him crumble, but he did.

Peter was in no condition to go out tonight. He had a lot on his mind with you, and the robberies, and how so many people were depending on him and he couldn’t deliver what they needed. And with the pressure coming from Agent Kent, Peter was really beginning to feel all the weight on his shoulders. And it was taking everything in him not to take another drink.

“I’ve got a good feeling we’ll get her tonight,” Kent said enthusiastically as he entered the room. He took a seat behind a computer chair as he gave Peter an all knowing smile, “She seems to be favoring the downtown area, and so far the museums are the only places she hasn’t hit yet. The Air and Space Museum is the only one that would have tech she may be after.”

“What makes you think she’s after tech? So far she’s only stolen money from bodegas or ATMs,” Peter gave Kent a puzzled face, did he know something that Peter didn’t? And if so, why wasn’t Kent giving him this information that was important?

Kent shrugged his shoulders as he adjusted his glasses on his face while focusing on the computer screen, “They’re always after more than just money, Peter. You of all people should know that,” he reminded Peter as he continued to pull some maps up on the screen.

“If you say so,” Peter said as he adjusted his web mode, making sure everything was working properly. You were usually the one who made sure his suit was updated, fixing Dark Web mode, and even making sure KAREN was properly synched up. There was always something calming about having you by his side before he went out as Spider-Man; even if it was just a basic patrol. You always calmed him down and made him feel like he was doing the right thing. Now, he was beginning to doubt all of that lately.

Peter’s eyes flickered to the counter top, focusing in on the bottle of Jack Daniels that was left behind from the other night. When he was planning on dumping the remaining liquid down the drain this morning before he went to see you. But now, he wasn’t so sure. He needed something to numb the pain, at least for the moment.

Without Kent noticing, Peter took a few swigs of the whiskey as he felt the warmth slide down his throat. It felt so wrong, and he knew it. And now, he felt absolutely disgusted with himself. Months of hard work and strength just flushed down the drain for a few sips to only make him feel more miserable for it. And now he had to find this robber half sober, half buzzed.

Peter went over to the window, staring down at all of the city lights as the lump in his throat grew bigger. The city suddenly looked smaller to him, as his eyes grew bigger through the mask. Your face coming back to his mind as he tried to shake it off once more, but he was beginning to find it nearly impossible.

“Don’t be afraid to use your advanced modes on her, Pete,” Kent said from the computer before he swung away, “That’s why you have them, to get rid of people like her,” he narrowed his eyes on Peter knowingly.

So, Kent wanted Peter to kill this masked woman, essentially. Although Peter wasn’t exactly new to that idea, he had his history of killing and it got him here. He knew there were other ways to get justice, even if it took longer. But Kent was messing with his mind, and he was beginning to think he may not have any other option.

Nodding his head, Peter aimed his web shooter for the nearby lamppost down below as he swung out of Stark Tower. The moment he left, he couldn’t help but feel a little relieved to get out of there. Even if it was to keep vigil.

Peter swung his way in no time to the museum. Everything seemed quiet in the city streets, making him feel a bit more at ease. He scanned the entrance, noticing no security to be found; which was oddly peculiar for a museum. Lights were on throughout the exhibits, and as Peter glanced up towards the camera, he noticed they were destroyed.

“Someone is here,” Peter said into his microphone, knowing Kent was listening in. He moved in towards the nearby exhibit for space missile technology, “Karen, activate Dark Web mode,” he whispered slowly as he felt the black webbing beginning to coat his suit before he went into the illuminated room to investigate. It was a little dramatic to go dark to see, but based on how strong this new rival was, Peter wasn’t about to take any chances with them.

Peter tiptoed his way towards the doorway, knowing he was invisible, but he still needed to proceed with caution. He peered into the doorway, frozen in the moment as he watched meticulously. Unbeknownst to his new friend that he was watching her every move. Making sure this time he would be ready to take her down.

The alcohol was swirling around Peter’s brain as he continued to concentrate. He hadn’t drank in so long, those few swigs that he had already affected him.

“Don’t overthink this, Peter,” Kent’s voice came through, “Remember what I told you, don’t be afraid to fully attack with this one.”

Peter had no idea why Agent Kent was so adamant about him being so cut throat. He knew the rules, and if Peter had to get more aggressive, he would. But right now, there was no reason to go the extreme. Especially since he knew how he felt towards getting his hand bloody. It led him down dark paths that he knew he didn’t want to go down again.

Feeling a bit dizzy, Peter pulled himself together as he took a few more steps forward. Watching her try and disconnect what seemed to be a missile on display from the exhibit area. What the hell was she trying to do with a missile, Peter thought to himself.

He got his web shooter ready, prepared to stun her for a moment with his taser web. Before he could aim in her direction, he felt a force punch him directly in his chest. His back hitting the wall with a thud as he whimpered. Opening his eyes as he saw her turning her head back to the missile, moving her hands even faster.

How did she even know he was there? There was no way she would have been able to even hear him unless…

...Unless if she had a spider sense too.

“Alright, that does it,” Peter huffed out as he picked himself up. He kept the Dark Web mode on as he whipped around so he was directly behind her, “I’ve just about had it with you and I’m done being nice about it,” he announced as he kicked the inside of her knee, buckling her to the ground.

Grabbing her by the arm, he heard her yelp as he twisted it a bit, “Deactivate Dark Web mode and turn off all communication,” he told Karen as he picked her up and shoved her against the wall as his suit came into vision once again. He didn’t need Kent in his ear right now. Not when he was this close to bringing her in and being done with this bullshit.

With her chest against the wall, he swiveled around. Looking into her eyes through her black mask as he raised her arm over her head. She had no weapons. And her eyes looked almost terrified. Her breathing was heavy as she kept her eyes on Peter warily.

“Who do you work for?” he tried to ask, leaning forward. His body pushed flush against hers as he had her literally backed into a corner with nowhere to go. His hand began to slide around her neck, squeezing in a little bit to threaten her in order to start talking, “You better start talking otherwise I will not hesitate right now,” he threatened through his teeth.

Peter squeezed a little more, hearing her groan as he waited for her to answer. He blinked as something bright glimmered along her neck, getting his attention. Adjusting his eyes, he glanced down at the necklace and squinted at her collar. The pendant staring back at him as his eyes rapidly fluttered back to her intense masked eyes; feeling his stomach drop.

“No,” Peter said in a low voice as he grabbed the pendant, “Y/N?” he asked.

And in that weak moment, you kicked Peter in the chest to break free. Sending him backwards and completely bewildered by what the fuck was happening…

Taglist: @osterfield-holland-andcompany @missmulti @hazmyheart @lauras-collection @iamapersonwholikesunicorns @detroitbydark @mcuassemble @blahhhhhhhaaa @lonikje @beiroviski @ruefulposts @rebekkah4766 @desir-ae @kayla-m1996 @unicorn-princess-1999 @asmilinghopelessromantic @itsjusttor @whatareyouhidingpeter @when-marvellous-things-happen @mannien @lilostif16 @u-rrose @ninjalex1d @baby-unidorn @astoldbydanid @honey-sea @fallingforfics @lulueliott24 @mikalaka @babebenhardy @coni-martina @captainemrys @mktravelbuggie @underoosmarvel @pluckypete @hollandfanficlove @lookalivefrosty @lightmelikeacigarette @msmarvel-19 @u-rrose @parker-holland-osterfield @thwip-it-real-good @shirukitsune @justanotherusername80 @dangerdolns @jwolfesblog @jjayyc @ifilosemyselfagain @axisnpalma @just-a-littlebit-of-everything @bookgirlunicorn @kfcyum @thenoddingbunny-blog @buzzbuzzitsmeagainbitch @herondale-snow-carstairs @marvelobsessedteenager @unlimitedd @dramaholic18 @softholand @panicattheeverywherekid @emotionally-unstable23 @quackeroos @unbelievableholland @holyhumorliteraturelight @spideyyeet @katiekinzs @fanficparker @ifntelyinspirit @rubberducky-jrr @xguardgirlx @t-holland2080 @selfcarecap @localfangirlx @xxpeachyxo @hazardosterfield @xstarbae @justanotherusername80 @photoshopart15 @spiderbibby @the-fandom-life-forever @jannine00742 @parachutepants @decadentwastelandtrash @anythingthaticareabout @sunflowerxbarnes @londonspidey @azaraspirit

#tom holland #peter parker #spider-man #tom holland x you #tom holland x reader #peter parker x reader #peter parker x you #spiderman x reader #tangled webs #dark webs #heyhihellowhatsup0

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annikathewitch · 3 years

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I just realized... so, I’ve seen a lot of posts about the possible implications of c!Eret having amnesia, if it is that and not one of the other possible explanations for this whole situation.

Oh... all names refer to the c!s not the cc!s from here on out.

Basically, this could kinda be a tipping point, a wake up call of sorts. Eret didn’t seem to realize that there were things that they couldn’t remember. Who else could have huge memory gaps, huge things they don’t know about themselves, and not even know it?

I’ve seen a ton of posts listing other things, weird inconsistencies and stuff, that are kinda sus. There could be something terribly, terribly wrong with the smp that no one knows about, and that got me thinking; we all know that there are quite a lot of mental health issues on dsmp. It makes sense, given everything that everyone’s been through. But... there are also some big things. I haven’t watched much pre-Manberg v. Pogtopia dsmp, and I joined this fandom relatively recently, so correct me if I’m wrong, but I’ve heard that Dream used to be a bit more... chill? I guess? Basically, he didn’t always have a god complex. He wasn’t always someone you would think would EVER end up doing the many, many terrible things he’s ended up doing. As far as I’m aware, and again, this could just be me being new to the fandom, there’s little to no clear explanation for why Dream ended up changing this... drastically.

There are some other similar examples, such as Wilbur’s spiral, or Niki’s, or maybe even Ranboo’s problems with enderwalking, which seem to be getting worse over time, and maybe some other examples that I don’t know as much about. Most of those things did have in canon character reasons, but still...

Okay, this may seem a bit off topic. There’s this thing in D&D called a false hydra. I’m not gonna explain it in depth here, but basically it hides itself by making people forget about it, and for those people, in and around the area where it lives, it can cause some serious mental health issues. Paranoia. Delusions. Mental breakdowns. Not that those things don’t happen otherwise, but they’re SIGNIFICANTLY more likely with a false hydra around. The powers that the false hydra uses to make people forget, to prevent them from noticing its existence... they’re seriously damaging to the mind.

I don’t know about you, but that all sounds awfully familiar. Now, I’m not saying that it’s necessarily a false hydra causing this. It’s probably not actually a false hydra; there are some other things false hydras do that definitely don’t match up, but it could be something similar. It could be the server itself, some sort of area-of-effect thing, or maybe something tied to Karl’s time travel. It could also be connected to the egg, but I don’t think the egg itself is the cause, it’s more likely that it drew the egg here or that it and the egg both come from the same source, whatever that may be. I just think it’s an interesting possibility.

#dsmp #dsmp theory #dsmpblr #c!dream #c!eret #c!wilbur #c!puffy #c!niki #enderwalk ranboo #amnesia #psycological horror #tw psycological horror #cw psychological horror #eret #the eret #eret lore #dsmp lore #dsmp false hydra theory #my post

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dailydnp · 3 years

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Daniel Howell on Depression and How to Get Through The Night

Daniel Howell is the YouTube star breaking boundaries about depression, who has now released a book to help people with mental health issues.

Daniel Howell is one of the most popular YouTubers out there, with millions of followers and a refreshing line in self-deprecating humour that has made him stood out from much of the braggadocio on that channel. He is also someone who dared to go beyond the jokes and gaming on his channel to reveal his battles with depression to his young audience a few years ago, producing a huge response from people. Now he has written a book about mental health, called ‘You Will Get Through This Night’. A mix of information, advice and laughs, the book is a welcome addition to the elevation of mental health as a national issue, and it manages to be so in a way that is going to connect brilliantly with young people. We grabbed a word with Daniel over Zoom to find out more about it…

When did you decided to write the book and what was the process like?

It was a very serendipitous journey I never planned. All this talking about myself and mental health, and sharing these quite intimate details about my own life, was never the plan. I started my career trying to be funny, just being a clown on the internet, but as time went on two things happened: one, a sense of responsibility creeping up on me where I realised anyone with a platform has an impact on people, and even if you think you’re just being funny, if you do share yourself, people relate to you and you end up resonating with them on some level.

Also just for me, I have always been so career focused, I’m one of those guys that pushes their well being to the back, and after years of me doing that it just got to the point where I couldn’t do it anymore. It was not only affecting my ability to be good at my job, and be friends with people and nice to be around, but creatively it was this real hump where I felt like if I don’t sort my life out, and get on top of these problems that I know are lurking behind me, I’m not going to be able to go forwards.

It was that which led me to talk about my experiences with depression in that YouTube video ‘Daniel and Depression’ that I uploaded in 2017, and that was a huge moment for me. Even five years ago, there was such a taboo around mental health. These days people go, ‘ aren’t we all open about mental health now?’ but just five years ago, it was a completely different world. I thought me bringing up a word like depression would destroy my career. ‘Are people not going to want to work with me? Are my friends going to think I’m strange?’

But I was honestly surprised, for the first time in my life, by the reaction I got from humanity. Because my upbringing led me to being very cynical, to be very defensive and to protect my vulnerability. Actually when I shared something that was so raw, people appreciated it. On some level people were like, wow you articulating it made me understand something I didn’t get about myself, or my mum’s been through this and I finally get it, or now I know what my friends are going through.

When you open yourself up, despite the fear, people appreciate it because this is how people think and feel. We’re all vulnerable, we’re all trying to protect ourselves, we’re all putting on this front, focusing on our careers, pushing everything to the background; but then it’s a truth that when you open up about how you really feel, not only is that a weight lifted for you but it lets other people in.

Then I became the mental health guy. I didn’t ask for it, it became my thing.

The book always had the question of what it might be. People always want to write their life stories, but firstly my entire life story is already out there on the internet, it was there in real time. I thought if I’m going to do this, I want to do a mental health book that just gets straight to the point, it’s not going to be too scientific, it’s not going to be too spiritual or flowery, it’s going to give you the information you need, the tools, the tips, the life hacks, the stuff that science has shown will make a difference, as bare as we can, in bullet point form. And then my job is to make it stupid and funny by using myself as a punching bag doing everything wrong in terms of managing your mental health. For me it’s the book I wish I had five, ten years ago.

Was putting it together enjoyable, once you’d given yourself permission to have fun with it?

Yeah writing a book and collating all these life saving tips on mental health, was good for me. The process of writing the book was like reading it. I needed the experience of putting it together so I could learn from it myself.

What I’ve learnt from just being funny is it’s a bit of an excuse to give yourself therapy. You’ve set yourself the task of telling this story, making this point or joke about something, and in the process of trying to find out whatever this point or joke you’re making, there’s a bit of a moment of self reflection in there.

So it’s fun to have an excuse to tell a story and be funny but for me it’s been emotionally cathartic too.

What are the main things you learned or that even changed you?

One thing was the 360 around your lifestyle. The book is structured practically into 3 parts. The first part is what are things you can do right now to change the way you feel, the second is lifestyle, what changes can you make, and then the third part is looking deeper, at more long term things about readjusting your mindset and working out what makes you as a person.

The process of going through the lifestyle for me felt a bit like a roast. Things like the importance of your social life, the importance of your nutrition, the importance of how often you move, and it was very difficult to be aware of what might just be my personality and preference. I’m an introvert, I’m a bit of a nerd, I like to stay inside, I don’t like to party a lot, and I just learned that if you don’t go jogging you’re going to have more anxiety than someone who doesn’t. It was good to have all that shown up.

A nugget that was quite profound is that you can always change the way that you feel. I was always having days where I was really stressed from what I was working on, or a period where I’d be really depressed, and sometime I would wake up and immediately know I’m not having a good mental health day. When I’m not going to be able to perform, I’m not going to be a very helpful friend. I just used to say to myself ‘this day is a write off’. But what I learned from this book is you can change how you feel by doing something. Your activity directly influences how you feel.

It got rid of the excuses because sometimes it was like, ‘I’m having a bad day I simply cannot do that task’ when you probably can. It’s empowering for yourself to say, ‘Actually if I eat something, if I get a change of scenery, if I talk to someone, if I problem solve to question my thoughts and readjust my mindset, you can change how you think and feel on any day.

With mental health so many people ego through their life thinking it’s this weird mysterious fog that they can’t impact on. Sometimes you feel bad and there’s nothing you can do about it. But actually we’re just weird hairless apes, we’re not that complicated, and there are little things we can do to snap ourselves out of it.

How do you think it’ll fit into the current times?

The idea that this book is coming out when our society is opening up again is almost a divine intervention! There is literally no better time to sort your life out. We’ve all gone through so much, this collective trauma, and the dent to our lifestyles and ability to self-care. Not only have we had all the joy ripped away from us, but people haven’t been able to go to the gym, to get support from friends, and this is a new chapter for everybody.

I’m seeing it as: can take this next step and not fall back into bad habits? This is a good time to put a pole in the ground and move forward in a good direction.

What are the key things you’ll be taking forward?

It’s not just the lifestyle stuff, it’s also about mindset changes. I’m a worrier, one of these people that thinks myself into oblivion. It means I’m analytical but I’m not very present, I spend a lot of time in my head prophesising my own doom. One of the things in the book is realising that you are not your thoughts. If you get a negative thought in your head actually that’s just your brain’s suggestion that you should feel stress about this, that and the other but we don’t have to stay fixated on these worries.

I’ve spent the last ten years in therapy, deeply going into myself asking questions about authenticity, confronting my sexuality, but also it’s been about just day-to-day having a better relationship with my own mind. That when I get these emotions that want to spiral into a panic, or make me feel very stressed, just to talk back to myself with the right attitude and say I don’t need to go down this rabbit hole due to this thought. I can just acknowledge it was an idea my brain had to think about and I can choose to do whatever I want with it. I can choose to solve the problem and break it down, I can ask for help I can give myself a reality check, or I can just acknowledge the thought and say ‘No thank you I’m going to do something else with my day.’

Back to the first depression video – are you aware of the difference between you then and now?

It’s profound, I would say me aged 26 was someone who didn’t question anything. You think you have a career priority and if I have any emotional baggage, it’s just not important right now.

Obviously there was the huge issue of my sexuality which had a huge impact on my mental health. My entire life story from childhood to how I was perceived as a public figure, how I operated day to day, and even my acceptance of a thing that I knew was true deep inside me, I had an incredibly toxic view of that at the time. I needed to understand it. I went to therapy and learned a lot about the way I would talk to myself, the way I would beat myself down and tell myself that things are the way they are and there’s nothing I can do about it. I should tolerate certain situations, and that was all wrong, so I’ve become much better at being fair to myself. Accepting my own vulnerability instead of building up a huge wall; letting it down, being honest with myself which is important if you ever want to change anything for the better. Also you get closer to other people when you feel like they can really see you.

How have conceptions of masculinity affected that?

The whole concept of masculinity was huge in my life. I had a very macho dad, he didn’t emote, he didn’t share anything, it was all jokes and all on the outside. I got to 16, 17, that age when you notice adults for the first time and cotton on to it. I could see the pain he was going through but he didn’t want to confront it. I also went to an all-boys school where there’s no vulnerability, you can’t give a small opening for someone to jab a compass in. That was the culture that shaped me. That continued into my late twenties when I had the moment when I realised being honest with yourself about something going wrong is bravery. It’s not weak to admit vulnerability if it’s going to help you grow. It’s not a sign of weakness to go to the uncomfortable place. Life is a series of uncomfortable obstacles that you put off, but every single time you go over them, you look back and go, ‘oh why did I waste so much time not doing that sooner?’

Is masculinity shifting do you think?

Definitely, roles in society have been so Neanderthal. If you have a personality with a stiff upper lip and it works, good for you, but someone else may feel pressured to hold things in and eventually they’re going to crack. It’s ok to ask for help and to let go of that, that’s what we’re learning in society. Conversations in mental health are so much more normal. There’s a long way to go in terms of judgment and misunderstandings, but I hope the book will spell it out for a lot of people. The book has been fact checked by a psychological professional, Dr Heather Bolton and all of the advice in the book is from evidence based practices that have been shown to have a good effect. It’s not just a nice sounding idea. We all have that friend on Instagram who’s like, ‘Positivity! Yeah here we go!’ And you go, ‘Wow that image had great graphic design it must be true.’ No it isn’t. So we’re in an age of people opening up but there’s also a lot of nonsense on Facebook so when we’re thinking about how we feel and making changes to our lives, we need to trust the experts.

#daniel howell #danisnotonfire #dan #phan #mine #interview

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johannas-motivational-insults · 3 years

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Jo’s Top 10 of 2020

I see lots of artists doing that thing where they post a piece from each month of the year... unfortunately my content creation isn’t necessarily consistent and it’s hard to track what month individual fic chapters were posted in, but I figured I’d do something similar and post my Top 10 pieces of content I created in 2020, what they’re about and why I love them. I actually did get a fair amount done this year thanks to the lockdown, but I’ve narrowed it down to these ten that I’d like to reflect on. (To be fair, I’m probably forgetting something huge. Feel free to leave comments if you think I passed over something important lol.)

10. Friendship in the Horde (meta): This is something I’d wanted to write for a while but finally got around to finishing in February. It’s basically a sociology paper lmao, an analysis of the social hierarchies and systems of the Horde. It was also a convenient excuse for me to gush about Catralonnie, an underrated (friend)ship. But honestly this was an important piece for me because I have always identified with the Horde characters way more than any of the rebels (other than Adora, who grew up in the Horde) and part of why is how they are in an unsafe environment and end up forming relationships that are helpful for survival but hinder them psychologically. And I think to understand the Horde characters and really evaluate their motives and choices you need to understand this first.

9. The Sting in My Eyes: On the surface this is just a run of the mill hurt/comfort oneshot, but it was a really important post-canon processing fic for me. I had a lot of feelings about Catra’s relationships with Shadow Weaver and Melog in season 5, particularly about how Catra must have felt really conflicted after Shadow Weaver told her what she wanted to hear all those years but in a way that felt unearned and out of the blue. It was really cathartic for me to write a scene where she struggles with those mixed feelings but has Adora and Melog to help her process them. And I had long associated the song the title is from with Catra and Shadow Weaver’s relationship, and the way she died trying to redeem herself really solidified that connection.

8. Hail Mary, chapter 6: This was supposed to be a short chapter mostly about the backstory between Catra and Scorpia in this au, with some Catradora yearning thrown in. It evolved into a massive, sprawling thing that is very atmospheric in terms of how the setting and vibes are described and how in the moment it feels. Hail Mary is like that sometimes but that type of narration is usually about football games rather than parties, so this chapter was a fun change of pace in many ways. It was really nostaglic for me to write too, the nerves of being a teenager at a party with your crush and how intense everything feels. And the Scorptra stuff really is delicious, it was nice seeing them have that conversation they never got to have in canon and truly make up, and the tiny sliver I added of Catra’s earlier history was heartbreaking in the best way. So this was not what I intended to write, but it turned out way better for it.

7. A Better Son or Daughter (AMV): I’ve done other Adora AMVs, but this one is really my iconic piece. The song is perfect for Adora, so perfect it’s on Noelle’s Adora playlist. The vid itself is a character study about Adora’s mental health struggles and the way she represses them, as well as a tribute to her resiliency and her eventual triumph of getting to a better place in her life. This is a song that gives me a lot of feelings and once I was making it about Adora it gave me even more, so this was a very satisfying piece to complete. I wish Noelle had gotten a chance to see it but oh well, maybe down the line.

6. Hail Mary, chapter 12: This is the chapter that much of the fic had been building to, Catra and Adora in conflict because Catra finally got the chance to be Adora’s hero and Adora shot her down. It’s painfully analogous to canon, both in terms of how (I suspect) Catra felt in Thaymor and Adora’s tendency to victim blame because she’s so pragmatic. There’s definitely some tones of Taking Control in there but Lonnie does a much better job of examining Catra’s psychology and needs than Glimmer did in canon (a writing error imo, Glimmer should have had more insight). Adora just wants to help but sometimes in her quest to do so she disenfranchises others, and this was a much needed look at that aspect of her character. It’s also an excellent illustration of what it’s like to play a peacekeeping role in an abusive household and how stressful it is trying to protect others while also protecting yourself.

5. Unstoppable (AMV): This is not my favorite Catra AMV I’ve ever done, but it might be the cleverest. The soundtrack is a song about mental illness masquerading as a song about being a bad bitch, which is basically Catra in a nutshell. The lyrics are incredibly fitting for her and her arc as it develops over seasons 1-4. The vid itself takes a hard turn in the interpretation of the lyrics, going from talking about how no one can stop Catra to how she can’t stop herself because she’s in such a terrible sunk cost fallacy spiral, and I think I got several death threats over that twist lmao. As someone who primarily deals in angst, there’s hardly a better compliment to be paid.

4. Demons, chapter 31: This one got real dark on me. The concept of this chapter was originally an examination of how comparing abuse can get really dicey but you also have to respect that other people have had different experiences from you and you have to be careful not to equate things or make it sound like you’re talking over someone else. I guess it’s also a bit of a look at how autistic people (like myself) will often explain why they can empathize so others know they understand rather than saying empty platitudes, but that can come off as insensitive or like they’re making things about them. I mean, in this case Adora kinda was making things about her, but she was provoked into it by a parade of comments insinuating she didn’t suffer at all, which was also unfair. Anyway it’s one of the more important Catradora fights in Demons and something I’d written bits of over a year prior, it was that important to the plot, but it also took a turn I was not originally planning. I finished the chapter when I was in a really bad depressive and self-loathing spiral and that bled onto the page, but it worked perfectly for Catra in this scenario... that push and pull of feeling like the world has hurt and victimized you mixed with knowing you’ve done some bad things yourself and feeling like you don’t have a leg to stand on when mourning the ways you’ve been hurt. It’s intense as all fuck but it’s excellent.

3. Hail Mary, chapter 11: Speaking of dark Catra content, this chapter... whew. It was really something else, to read and to write. I have written flashbacks in Demons that are more detailed and even include explicit violence but because those scenes are always in flashback form I never really got the chance to sit in the head of an abuse victim waiting for the other shoe to drop for an entire chapter like I did here. It’s quite different from the rest of Hail Mary stylistically and is both highly sensory and extremely internalized. It took me back to some terrifying moments in my own life so it was difficult but also extremely cathartic to write. It’s important too because it really sets up where Catra was at mentally heading into her big fight with Adora, and that chapter is in Adora POV. This chapter is ranked so high simply because it’s... polished, as @malachi-walker put it. It almost is its own story within the story and really noteworthy as a piece all its own.

2. Demons, chapter 26: This chapter is very similar thematically to Hail Mary 12, just based in the canonverse. It deals with one of the core (but highly neglected by fandom) conflicts between Catra and Adora, where they both need to feel like they can take care of and protect the other but also detest feeling weak or vulnerable themselves. It leads to Adora’s ego making Catra feel disrespected and Catra’s behavior confusing Adora and making her think she’s an ungrateful brat rather than someone who needs so badly to be needed, just like her. There’s definitely some power struggles in this chapter but finally they’re able to get to the heart of it and seeing them talk it out is so satisfying. Getting this chapter published was also important to me on a personal level because, like I said, this aspect of their conflict and relationship is rarely acknowleged for how important it is when really it’s one of the deepest conflicts between them in the series. It’s a scene I started writing pretty much as soon I knew I was extending the fic into something longer because I just needed them to have this conversation, so finishing it was so satisfying.

1. Satisfaction, chapter 3: This chapter took me a really long time to write, both in terms of time to get it published and time I actually spent working on it. It’s the crown jewel of a fic that’s really important to me and I had to get it just right, so I spent more time agonizing over every detail and rewriting things to get them absolutely perfect than I usually do (I’m a perfectionist anyway, but this took it to a whole other level). But in the end it was worth it, because this chapter is damn fine. It’s really hot, as you’d expect from a smut fic, but it’s also an excellent character study of how both Catra and Adora were affected by their abuse and trauma and the issues it raises for them in terms of sex and intimacy. Also, come on, we need more BDSM fics out there that focus on the actual point of it all (the trust involved) and promote communication and do the character work to explain why they might be into it in the first place.

BONUS (from December 31, 2019): One of my favorite pieces of 2020 technically came out in 2019, but I posted it on New Years Eve so most people first saw it in 2020. It’s an absolute banger of an AMV called I’m Not Jesus that’s all about Catra and Adora’s anger towards Shadow Weaver and their refusal to forgive their abuser. Funny enough this came out before Adora’s iconic “I will never forgive you” line, and Shadow Weaver definitely made things more complicated with how she went out, but I think the sentiment still applies.

#2020 recap #happy new year #writing #vidding #fanfic #spop #catradora #demons #hail mary #satisfaction #the sting in my eyes #a better son/daughter #unstoppable #i’m not jesus

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bytheangell · 3 years

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If you are still taking prompts, what would you think about writing something(s) based off of this, either/both, the Professor/TA, or the Writer/Editor?

Dedication (modern AU, Herongraystairs, check the link in the ask for full writer/editor prompt, a wonderful plot idea by @high-warlock-of-brooklyn!) (Read on AO3)

This is the first book Will and Tessa are collaborating on. They’ve written plenty of books individually and Jem’s worked with each of them in turn. But this is the first time they’ve co-authored, an experience that’s proving unique and challenging for all of them.

Being with Will and Tessa while they work on a new project is always a blessing and a curse. They’re two of the best writers of their generation and when they work on their own they’re brilliant, but when they work together - well, they’re also brilliant, but that brilliance is coupled with the occasional near-catastrophic clash of opinions and emotions.

Which is where Jem comes in.

Where Will and Tessa are so driven by passion and feelings, Jem finds it much easier to distance himself from their project (and from the writers themselves) enough to see the bigger picture and find solutions before the issues build up. Like many things about the three of them, it’s a perfect balance - they just work, better than anyone (including Will, Tessa, and Jem) ever imagined possible when they first got together.

It’d been a messy start, with Will and Jem already together but both developing serious feelings for Tessa after they met during a book event. The three of them quickly became very close. There were whispers of which of them would end up leaving, then confusion when the answer was none: instead of two of them growing closer and shutting the third out, they all seemed to adjust and adapt naturally around the three of them coexisting. They aren’t perfect, but they are perfect for each other, at least as far as Jem’s concerned.

Jem knows that what they have is special, which he reminds himself of over and over as Will and Tessa sit on opposite sides of the sofa, voices quickly elevating to nearly shouting over an issue with one of the characters Will is in charge of writing: one he’s chosen to give a pretty damning curse from a trickster faerie in this land of magic their current collaboration is set in.

“Tell him he needs to make the changes, Jem,” Tessa insists, the third time she’s repeated the demand now.

“Tell her that this plot adds depth, and without it, he’s boring,” Will counters. “Sometimes people - characters - need to be brutally honest about their own faults and issues. Sometimes people are disappointing.”

That’s how Jem can tell things are spiraling: when Will and Tessa - who have effectively communicated and collaborated on half a dozen bestsellers and who love each other more than Jem’s ever seen two people experience love - refuse to speak directly to one another. The moment they start talking around each other and at Jem instead is when he knows he has to step in and diffuse.

Usually, it’s a matter of taking a break, getting some fresh air, and coming back with clear minds. Jem normally isn’t one to pick sides, but this is different. He isn’t worried about the direction of the book… but after reading the latest draft from Will, which Will wrote while refusing to speak to either of them for a full week, he’s worried about Will. And he knows Tessa is, too.

“Perhaps a good starting point would be admitting this isn’t really about the character at all,” Jem says softly, gazing closely between Will and Tessa. Will looks a bit guilty and Tessa looks away entirely, which tells Jem that he’s right in guessing their concerns are also less plot-based.

“...what else would it be about?” Will asks defensively. But they can all sense how he’s been pushing them away lately, much like the cursed character undeserving of love he’s written in. It’s obvious that Tessa isn’t sure how to bring it up or else she would’ve already. Or maybe she already had and it hadn’t gone well.

“Tessa, would you mind making some tea?” Jem asks, waiting until she’s out of the room to turn back to Will.

“Will… you know this is about you. You barely talk to anyone for a week then come back with this character in such a self-deprecating mindset…”

“That’s ridiculous. He’s just a character,” Will says, but Jem can tell he’s entirely unconvinced of his own words.

“So if Tess came back having written Evangeline that way?” Jem counters, and there’s that look of subtle guilt, right back on Will’s face as he frowns and pieces together why Tessa’s so upset with him.

“I fucked up, didn’t I?” Will sighs.

“We’re not mad at you,” Jem’s quick to point out. “We’re just worried. It’s been a while since you tried to push us away like this, I just want to make sure you’re okay. We both do. Take it out in the writing if you want, but talk with us, too. Alright, my love?”

Jem’s tense as he waits. This has one of two options: Will relents and listens to him and they all have tea and talk this out, or Will storms out and they don’t see him again for another day or two.

Will stays. “I’m just letting the pressure get to me,” he admits. “I’m sure that’s all it is... But yeah. Okay. Tea.”

Tea, meaning ‘I’ll stay. I’ll talk. I’ll try.’ Jem leans over and places a barely-there kiss on Will’s lips before he relaxes back in his seat. Reaching out a hand that Will readily takes, Jem gives it a tight squeeze as they both wait for Tessa to return.

They talk.

In the end, the character arc stays. With a few redeeming modifications at Tessa and Jem’s entirely unbiased suggestion, of course.

---

A little over halfway through the first draft things seem to stall out. They have a progress deadline that week with the publisher and they’re cutting it close - mostly because Tessa keeps tossing everything she writes without giving Jem the chance to look it over. Recently she’s let her curiosity get the best of her, delving into research she should be allowing Jem to help with.

...and when he says ‘delving’, what he really means is stubbornly obsessing over, nitpicking bits of lore to streamline, and doing hours and hours of research for single-line references.

“When was the last time she slept? Like, an actual night of sleep?” Jem asks Will one day after a quick touch-base meeting that went… not terribly, but not particularly great, either.

“You need to get her out of here. No books. No wifi. I tried to kick her out but… well, you can imagine how well that went,” Will admits, and Jem winces in sympathy.

“The Time Out Cottage?” Jem asks, referring to a small cottage they own for unplugged getaways, where the wifi signal is nonexistent and a landline exists for emergency calls. “That means we’ll both be out of easy reach, and with that Friday deadline-”

“I can handle it,” Will cuts him off. “She’s been getting in her own way for days now, but she refuses to listen to me.”

A few minutes later Jem tentatively knocks on the door to the small study that does, in fact, look more like a makeshift research library. He nearly doesn’t see Tessa behind the small mountain of books on the floor, but he hears her pen tapping rapidly against the hardwood. No, not just rapidly - anxiously. He knows that action all too well.

“Tessa, what number is that?” he asks, the question needing no further explanation past his accusatory tone and pointed look at a coffee mug, which is next to a second coffee mug, which is next to a cup of black tea.

“Four? No, wait… what time is it?” she glances around and seems surprised by the height of the sun in the sky. “It’s afternoon already?”

Jem sighs. “It’s nearly four o’clock, Tessa, and your blood is probably about 90% caffeine. Come on, get your things, we’re taking a trip.”

Tessa looks immediately horrified. “No! I can’t, we can’t! The deadline, and I still have to streamline the fae lore between the two-”

“Will has it handled for 24 hours. That’s all we’re asking. 24 hours without research.” “Jem, you know-”

“-that you’ll be twice as productive once we’re back and you’re refreshed instead of running on fumes and fever dreams?” Jem cuts her off, his tone kind but insistent. He bends over and picks up a piece of paper. “Tessa, my love, this is nearly incoherent.”

Tessa reaches up to take the page from him and frowns. “I… okay, I can make out some of this, but I’m pretty sure that bit talks about aliens which isn’t any more reassuring. Will did say I was writing myself in circles, but I thought he was just, well, being Will, so... Yeah. Okay. Maybe I need to step back for a bit.” Tessa sighs. “The Time Out Cottage?”

“I already packed you a bag,” Jem confirms with a soft smile, leaning down to kiss the middle of her forehead before reaching out a hand to help her up off the floor.

When they return exactly 24 hours later, Tessa gets back to work and the lore practically falls into place between the two of them.

They meet the Friday deadline without a problem.

---

Jem spends his free time playing violin while Will and Tessa go through the first draft and begin to brainstorm fixes for plotholes, new minor characters to add to scenes that feel a bit lacking, and other small improvements to really round out the story and the world they’re weaving. They both claim to think clearer with his music in the background so he stays, even if he doesn’t feel particularly useful for this stage of the process until they have a single, coherent draft to hand over to him.

These are the moments Jem’s own insecurities and flaws float to the surface. The moments he watches Will and Tessa, so alike, so perfect for each other, connect on a level he isn’t privy to. He knows it’s a silly thought, that he and Will have their own things, as do he and Tessa. But sometimes he wonders if they truly need him around, or if he’s simply just become too much a part of the routine to actively get rid of.

He watches them sit next to each other with shoulders touching, hunched over a small screen, whispering back and forth. There’s a small smile on his face, one that’s wistful and tinged with hints of longing that, much to his dismay, they pick up on.

“I know that look,” Tessa says, catching Jem’s gaze and drawing Will’s attention before Jem can wipe the expression from his face. “Get over here. I think we’ve done enough work for today.”

Will is the first to move over, making room for Jem in the middle of them. After placing his violin back in its case Jem heads over to join them on the sofa, embracing the way Will and Tessa immediately crowd into his space once he’s settled, both placing a comforting kiss to his temples simultaneously before resting their heads on each of his shoulders and a placing a hand in each of his own.

They talk a bit, not about the book, but about anything and everything else, and fall asleep there, still entwined together.

---

It’s rare for any part of one of their books to be a surprise to Jem upon publication. He sees all the drafts, talks them through the acknowledgments and dedications, double-checks the reference pages against the chaotic piles of books and notes around their home.

So he’s immediately (and rightfully) suspicious the moment they hand him the first advanced copy and tell him to open it, watching his every move with eager expressions. Excited, but anxious.

‘A dedication to the one most dedicated to us:

This book would not be what it is without the kind heart, encouraging words, and infinite patience of James Carstairs. Neither would we. Jem, you are a light in our darkest hours, and we don’t know where we’d be without you.

We hope we’ll never have to find out.

Jem, our love, will you marry us?’

Jem reads, then re-reads the dedication. He closes the book, then opens it again, reading it a third time for good measure.

“Well?” Will asks impatiently, earning himself a nudge in the ribs from Tessa. Will huffs.

“I see you’re as dramatic as always,” Jem says quietly, instead of answering the question posed in the book. He knows his answer. He’s known for a while now what his answer would be, should the topic ever present itself, but he gets a bit of joy from making Will wait in anticipation just a short while longer.

“He wanted to be even more dramatic and show you at the event tomorrow,” Tessa admits. “But we decided against it. We thought you deserved the chance to say no without two hundred sets of eyes on you.”

Jem raises an eyebrow. “You think I’ll say no?”

“You haven’t said ‘yes’ yet,” Will points out, but he doesn’t sound nervous about it. Nor should he be.

“Yes,” Jem says, smiling brightly. “Of course it’s yes.”

#herongraystairs #will herondale #tessa gray #jem carstairs #tsc #thanks to Jay for letting me play around with that prompt!#SORRY THIS TOOK A MILLION YEARS #making prompt progress between weekly codas and bingo fills slowly but surely #i hope you like it my anon friend!#elle writes a few deadbeat lines #anon glamour activated #ask rune #long post #elle talks too much

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anightflower · 3 years

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Come and Find Me Chapter 4: The Andrew Curtis Case

Guys I am so sorry this took so long. On top of school kicking my ass, I had to rewrite and reedit this chapter several times until I got to one that I deemed worthy. I am going to try and post Chapter Five early for you guys if I can.

Spencer Reid x Reader

Warnings: Mentions of Violence, Rape, Abuse

Masterlist

Spencer glanced around the room at all the police officers assembled. He cleared his throat.

“The Unsub is a white male in his late 20s to mid-30s. He is a man with an average build and a friendly face, someone who women would not pose as a threat.”

“Since there were no signs of forced entry, we believe he’s posing as someone who women would let into their house. Classic cases of this include maintenance men there to check up on things, someone who needs help after their car broke down, or a similar case like that.” Emily explained. “This is a man who fakes confidence, but in reality views himself as inadequate in some way, he knows he can’t fight off another man, so he chooses women who live alone and are essentially defenseless.”

“Yet, he hates that they are successful enough to support themselves or that they have any sort of power.” Morgan chimed in.

“He clearly was cheated on or had some sort of marital issue that caused him to spiral into this spree. He is a sexual sadist projecting his partner onto the women he attacks, that’s why he chokes them, watching the life drain from their eyes sparks something in him and gives him a sense of power. That is also why he rapes his victims, he loves the idea that he is all powerful and they are helpless.” Hotch explained.

Spencer swallowed, “Comparing his last four victims it seems his type is 20-30 year old females with (Y/C/H) and (Y/C/E).”

Which coincidentally looks like the love of my life. Spencer thought, repressing a shudder.

________________________________________________________________

Spencer starred in shock at the scene around him. He was just finishing up the geographical profile, when they had received a call about yet another body.

Her empty bulking eyes stared up at the ceiling, her body was beaten, cut, and bruised.

“Strangulation marks on her neck, multiple stab wounds and injuries, this looks like our unsub.” Emily resisted the urge to shudder.

“Man, whoever cheated on this guy, must have really broken him.” Morgan mused, looking around at the bloody scribblings on the wall.

Spencer knew that if they tested the blood on the wall, it would match the victims. He looked at the frames on the wall, trying to ignore the blood that seemed to coat everything. The victim had her diploma hung up and multiple pictures of her smiling with family or friends. Spencer stared hard at the name on the diploma; Adria Winston.

It scared Spencer how easily he could see you in this woman’s place. Injured, dying, pleading for him, for anyone to save you-

“Reid. Reid, are you alright?” Morgan clapped a hand on Spencer's shoulder, drawing him back to the present.

Spencer shook himself out of his dazed state. “Yeah, uh I just need to step out for a second.” He said, pushing past Morgan and making his way outside Adria’s house. He pulled out his phone and dialed your number, it was late, so you would most likely be asleep, but-

You picked up on the third ring. “Hi baby, are you alright?” Spencer bit back a smile at the sleepiness in your voice.

“Not really, but I just really needed to hear your voice. How is Ohio?” Spencer asked, trying to distract himself from what he just saw. You could tell, but you played along with it.

“Not too bad, whoever designed the Google lounge has nothing on me.” You joked.

“Well, we already knew that.” Spencer smiled.

“Yeah, you wouldn’t believe some of the cool stuff I found, I’m telling you if the employees complain about these amazing comfy chairs I got for their break room, I am totally coming back and stealing all 22 of them for my apartment.” You said enthusiastically. “They're perfect for reading in Spence, I’m telling you, you would love them.”

Spencer let out a little laugh, “I’m sure they are. We will have to see if we can find some, but I don’t think 22 will fit in either of our apartments.”

“I suppose you’re right” You sighed dramatically, but then took a more serious tone of voice. “Are you alright baby?”

Spencer’s chest tightened at your worried tone of voice. “There’s a sick selfish part of me that is so glad that you aren’t here (Y/N). All of these girls look so much like you-” Spencer paused, swallowing back tears. “I just am so glad you are safe, I don’t think I could focus as well on this case if I knew you could possibly be in danger.”

“Aw Spencer, I am so sorry baby. You aren’t sick or selfish for wanting me to be safe, everyone focuses on the safety of those they love, it’s only human. I know you are going to catch this guy, you are the most brilliant man and agent I have ever met. Just don’t tell your team I said that, I don’t want a bad reputation before they even meet me.” You teased, trying to lighten his dark mood.

Spencer let out a small laugh and sniffled. “Trust me the team is going to love you. We will have to figure out when you can meet them, but I definitely want to wait until things settle down a bit here.”

There was silence on your end for a second. “Listen Spence, I can stay here a bit longer if it will help you focus, but when I come home I am taking self-defense classes and such. I want you to have a sane mind knowing that your girlfriend actually can handle herself. I honestly think it will help me keep sane too, after hearing everything about this case.”

Spencer heart skipped a beat, as much as he wanted you safe and sound, he also needed to hold you in his arms to keep his sanity. But ultimately you were the one who should lead your life, not Spencer. “I appreciate you considering me, but I want the ultimate decision to be made by you Princess, I trust your judgement and I don’t want you living your life based on my fear.”

You breath caught in your throat at the sentiment. “I love you Spencer Reid.”

Spencer could have sworn his heart stopped. The two of you hadn’t said I love you yet. Part of him wished it was in person, but just hearing you say it, meant the world to him. “I love you more (Y/N) (Y/L/N).”

So help him god, Spencer would catch whoever this unsub was and put him away, so you could come home to a safer city.

________________________________________________________________

“You know what strikes me as funny?” Emily asked, looking at the crime scene photos.

The room was silent, waiting to hear what she had to say.

“Each of these unsubs reported strange gifts and letters being sent to their home. The police had thought it was nothing, but now I am thinking that maybe this could be a connection. I mean think about it, didn’t you guys notice that each victim received a gift box wrapped the exact same way?”

Morgan nodded. “Yeah they had the white box with the red bow-”

Spencer chimed in, “Red typically symbolizes love and infatuation, but in this case it was the unsub’s warning, red meant war or violence was about to come upon this victim.”

“Reid and JJ I want you to talk to the officers and get the reports these women filed for harassment, I think we are missing a connection.” Hotch ordered.

An hour or so later they had that connection.

“All of the victims received their gifts from a delivery service called ‘Special Delivery.’” JJ explained to everyone.

“Well it seems we have to pay them a visit.” Hotch said.

________________________________________________________________

Special Delivery was a small Ma and Pa store, located just a couple blocks from Ava’s coffee shop. Spencer debated on stopping in to check in with her and maybe grab the team coffee.

Spencer had quickly taken a liking to Ava, not only because he had called him your “sexy superhero boyfriend,” but because she was a reliable friend to you, one who always managed to bring a smile to your face. She reminded Spencer of a more wild Emily, in the best way possible.

Emily stopped outside the storefront window, glancing at the display of chocolates, gift baskets, and jewelry. “Why is it always the cute small places that get ruined? Can’t it be one of those big corporate offices that fuck over their employees instead?”

Spencer huffed a laugh.

As they entered the store, the bell let out a delicate twinkle. Causing a silver-streaked brunette to pop out from the back of the store. Her round face held a warm smile as she approached them.

“Hello dears! What can I do for you?” She asked as she excitedly clasped her hands together.

“Hello Mrs. Ellison, my name is SSA Prentiss and this is Dr. Reid, we had a few questions for you.” Emily said gently, flashing her badge to the woman.

The woman's smile dimmed a bit, “Oh, uh of course, is everything alright?”

“Mrs. Ellison I am sure you’ve heard of the recent tragedies-” Emily began,

“Oh yes, I’ve been keeping up with the news, it’s just dreadful that something so horrible could happen so close to home. You see these things in movies or in other places, but you just never expect them to happen right near you.” Mrs. Ellison said sorrowfully, wrapping her arms around herself.

“Mrs. Ellison, I am afraid everyone of these victims received several deliveries from your shop. Each was wrapped exactly the same, white box, red bow, does this ring any bells for you?” Spencer asked, cutting to the chase.

“Well dear, it is Valentine season, red, pink, and white are the typical go to colors.” She shrugged.

“Do you have any regulars? He would have each gift he bought wrapped the exact same way? He would seem friendly, but would be on the quieter side?” Emily asked, attempting to prod the older woman’s memory.

“I’m afraid none of that is ringing any bells dear, I am so sorry.” Mrs. Ellison said apologetically.

“Do you have any other employees? Or do you run this place all by yourself?” Spencer asked.

Mrs. Ellison, let out a small laugh, “Oh goodness me, no. I get so many orders, I could never do it by myself. I previously had three employees, Jess, Remy, and Andrew, but I had to fire Andrew when I found him stealing from our stock. It was a shame too, he was a hardworking boy, but I’m afraid he just fell apart after his wife left him.”

Emily and Spencer exchanged a quick glance. “Do you happen to know why his wife left him?” Spencer asked, his heart picking up speed.

“Oh it's not my business to share-” Mrs. Ellison hesitated.

“Please Mrs. Ellison, this could be crucial information.” Emily urged her.

Mrs. Ellison let out a sigh. “That horrible girl cheated on him. I just couldn’t understand it either, Drew was such a doting gentleman to her, it simply didn’t make sense.”

“Do you still have his contact information? His address?”

“Why of course, but you couldn’t possibly think he has anything to do with this-” Mrs. Ellison began, making her way to behind the counter to grab a binder. She looked up worried when Spencer and Emily didn’t answer right away. “Do you?” She urged.

“It’s quite possible he had nothing to do with it, we just need to follow through with every angle.” Emily quickly explained.

“Of course.” Mrs. Ellison said, but her hands slightly shook as she opened up her binder to get Andrew’s address.

________________________________________________________________

“Andrew Curtis, this is the FBI, open up.” Hotch hollered from outside the door. There was no response. Hotch looked to his team to make sure they were ready, then kicked in the door.

As the team checked different rooms, several calls of “Clear!” echoed throughout the house. Curtis was not there.

Morgan made his way to the basement and swallowed back a gag. “Hotch! You better come see this.”

Guns at the ready, Spencer, Hotch, Rossi, and Emily, made their way down to Morgan.

“What the hell.” Emily huffed as they all beheld the horrific sight before them.

It was a girl, for sure. She had the same mutilated marks as far as they could tell, but her body was decently decayed.

“He’s displaying her like a trophy.” Spencer observed. “He props her up naked and makes sure her wounds are fully on display to remind him what he did.”

“There’s more trophies over here.” Rossi said in disgust, gesturing to a shelf full of different valuables.

“He’s sick.” Morgan hissed.

“We need a med team down here to remove a body. As soon as it’s IDed we need to know and alert any next of kin.” Hotch ordered into his earpiece.

Rossi put on a glove and began to go through the other trophies for evidence. “I’ll talk to the victims families and see if any of them recognize these items.”

Morgan dialed up Garcia.

“Speak and be heard, the all-knowing goddess listens.”

“Hey baby girl, I need you to look up any missing person’s reports from around this area. The victim has (y/c/h) and (y/c/e). She fits our victimology to a t, but we need to figure out who she is.”

“I’m on it.” Garcia said.

“And Garcia,” Hotch said, stopping her before she hung up. “I need you to find a license plate for Andrew Curtis. Also check to see if he rents or owns any other property, he’s currently not at his home and it is too close to other buildings for his victims to not be heard.”

“You got it. Talk soon.” She said, hanging up.

About half an hour later Garcia got back to them. “Curtis drives a 2003 silver sedan with the license plate 637-IRT. I also found that he rents a small storage unit that’s a 20 minute drive in a more secluded part of town. I am sending the address to you guys now.”

“Thanks Garcia.” Hotch said. He turned to JJ “I need you to get an APB on Curtis. I want you to warn the public to keep an eye out for him.”

JJ nodded and rushed off with her phone. Hotch looked to the rest of the team. “Everyone else, vests on, we are heading to that storage unit.”

________________________________________________________________

“Fuck Drew, what are we going to do?” The boy asked as he looked at the screen projecting a news report on Andrew Curtis.

“Well, it might be the end for me, little brother, but I have you as my legacy. They don’t have a clue that you are even involved, so I need you to get out of here.”

“No, no, no. I am not going to leave you!” The Boy cried, tears streaming down his face.

Drew huffed a laugh. “Now, now, little bro. It isn’t the time for tears. I’ve taught you everything you need to know. You need to get your girl from that Doctor remember?”

“How am I supposed to do this without you?” The Boy asked, fear filled his voice.

“Your time will come. You have to be a man about this. You have the skills now and you have our little videos to watch. Your own little tutorial to pluck that girl right out of Dr. Reid’s hands. You need to hide those and hide them well. Promise me you won’t fuck up your chance.” Drew growled.

The Boy whimpered and Drew smacked him. “Promise me!” He yelled.

“I promise.” The Boy sobbed, grabbing at his pained cheek.

Drew’s face softened and he gave the boy a smile. “Good, now get out of here legacy and make me proud. I expect to see you on the news someday.” He winked. “You remember our code right?”

The boy nodded.

“Then this isn’t the last time we will speak to each other. Now get the fuck out of here, I already fucked with the security footage, so they won’t even know you were here.” Drew explained, pushing the boy out towards the parking lot.

The Boy’s heart broke as he rushed from his mentor, not only because he knew he would never be able to see Drew in person after this, but because he knew that he would never be able to ruin the 6th victim. The sixth whore that was tied up in the trunk of Drew’s car.

________________________________________________________________

The girl sobs were muffled by her gag. Drew pulled on her hair harder as he dragged her to the storage unit. He knew he didn’t have much time left, so he might as well let every moment count huh?

The girl’s sobs turned into terrified screams as she beheld the bloodied storage room and the various knives and devices within it.

“Shut up you stupid bitch.” He growled in her ear.

The girl whimpered something and Drew ripped away her gag.

“Please.” She begged and Drew simply laughed as he lugged her limp body towards the table in the center of the room.

“Please, just let me go. I won’t tell anyone, I promise. I have a family who cares about me-” She pleaded.

“Whores don’t have families. Whores have nothing. They just cheat and lie and move onto the next guy. Huh Madelyn?” He growled as he threw her up onto the table.

“My name isn’t Madelyn, please it’s Emily-” The girl sobbed.

“Enough of your lies Madelyn. You stupid slut. You couldn’t stay loyal could you?” Drew snarled, hitting the girl’s head hard against the table.

She sobbed harder. “My name is Emily, my name isn’t Madelyn, please it’s Emily.” She babbled.

“SHUT UP.” He said, hitting her again.

Suddenly a shout rose up from outside the storage unit door. “Andrew Curtis, this is the FBI, come out with your hands raised.”

The smile that crept across Drew’s face was wicked. He grabbed a knife and pulled Emily against him. “Let’s have some fun, shall we?” He whispered in her ear.

“Andrew Curtis, this is your last warning. We will come in armed and ready.” Hotch’s voice shouted again.

Drew remained where he was, the sick smile on his face, as tears streamed down Emily’s face.

When the door burst open and several agents poured in, he did not flinch or cower away.

“Drop the weapon.” Hotch boomed, his voice echoing in the space.

“Now, now, now, where would the fun be in that?” Drew mocked.

“Put down the weapon, Curtis and let the girl go.” Rossi ordered.

Drew’s eyes looked past all of them and fell on Spencer, he bit back a smile.

“Come any closer and I’ll slice her throat.” Drew threatened, pressing the knife harder to Emily’s throat, a few drops of crimson blossomed and crept down her neck.

“If you don’t let Miss Bloise go, then we will be forced to take action Mr. Curtis.” Rossi explained.

Drew’s hand shook, god he wanted them to come at him, but then he thought of his mentee, how lost he would be without him.

He lowered the knife and let the girl go. She ran towards one of the agents, tears mixing with the blood that ran down her neck. JJ wrapped an arm around the girl and guided her out.

Morgan rushed to Curtis, pinning him down against the floor and putting cuffs around his wrists.

Though they had caught him, Hotch felt uneasy. Curtis had given in too quickly. The greasy smile across Curtis’s face as Morgan led him away only heightened his suspicions.

________________________________________________________________

The team sat outside the interrogation room, watching as Hotch tried to get a rise out of Andrew Curtis. He and JJ had gone in; Hotch to be the intimidator, JJ to be the trigger as she looked a bit similar to the victims. So far the man had just sat in the chair, his arms crossed, silent and smirking. It had been almost an hour and they had gotten nothing out of him.

Spencer felt as though Curtis could see him through the two-way mirror.

“You know Agent,” Curtis began. “I know you’re trying to be the big bad wolf, but it’s not going to work, I’ve dealt with worse than you.”

Morgan looked about ready to kick in the door and beat the confession out of Andrew.

“Send me in, I’ll get an answer out of him” Morgan growled, cracking his knuckles.

“Unfortunately, the confession won’t stand up in court if they found out you beat the shit out of Curtis to get it” Emily smirked, trying to lighten the mood.

“The Court doesn’t have to know” Morgan argued, making Emily scoff.

“Focus kids.” Rossi ordered sternly, but Spencer could tell he was fighting back a small smile.

Hotch and JJ came out of the room. Hotch looked to Spencer, his expression grim. “He wants to talk with you.”

Spencer looked at Hotch confused, “Why me?”

“He’s ‘fascinated by you’” Hotch explained. “I know it’s not ideal and you don’t have to go in their Reid, but-”

“But, we could get the confession out of him. We have the charges for Miss Bloise, but we want to pin him for the other girls he attacked. I understand and I will do it.” Spencer said.

“I’ll stick with you Spence” JJ reassured, putting a hand on his arm. “You won’t be alone.”

Spencer nodded, sending a grateful look JJ’s way as they made their way into the interrogation room.

“Ah the elusive doctor. So glad you could join us.” Drew purred.

Spencer said nothing as he moved to sit down across from Curtis.

“-your wife left you Mr. Curtis, is that correct?” JJ asked.

“Please doll, a pretty thing like you can call me Drew” Drew said, looking JJ up and down.

Spencer’s fists clenched in anger as he felt JJ tense next to him.

“The file says she left you after she cheated on you. Did you have medical issues Mr. Curtis?” Reid asked, drawing Curtis’s attention to him. “Did you struggle to please your own wife?”

Curtis growled. “That stupid whore has nothing to do with this.”

“Ah so you couldn’t and when she left you for a man that could, you projected your anger for her onto these women. You were angry at them for being confident and independent, much like your wife who knew what she wanted.” Spencer said, sitting back in his chair with a faint smirk.

“These women were nothing but whores, willing to let men in like me. They wanted someone so badly they let a stranger into their house.” Curtis hissed.

“Mr. Curtis, you were a delivery man. They didn’t let you in, you forced your way into their homes didn’t you?”

“If a man needs a glass of water, can’t he let himself in?” Curtis purred. “They turned their backs on a predator and got what was coming to them.”

“Did you attack them in their homes?” JJ asked.

“Only to make them quiet, couldn’t have the neighbors hear them scream.” Curtis laughed and Spencer resisted the urge to choke out the man across from him.

They placed images of all of his supposed victim’s before him. “Do you recognize these women?” JJ asked, her voice harsh and cold.

Curtis looked over all of them, silent for a couple minutes. Spencer’s patience thinned. “Well?”

Curtis pointed to an image of Lila Jennings, the third victim of this case. “She screamed the loudest.” He pointed to another image. “She was a hot piece of ass, it was fun breaking her.”

“Enough.” Spencer hissed.

“In short Doctor, yes I do recognize these women. Every single one of them and no I do not regret a single one.”

Without saying another word, JJ and Spencer got up, taking the files with them. Curtis’s laughter rang out behind them as they shut the door.

________________________________________________________________

TAGLIST

@andiebeaword @haylaansmi @parkastoria @possessedjoker @amronsparty @generaltheoristexpert @sierraraeck @coniumalces @tamedbyafox @anotherr-fine-mess @adoregin @rainsong01 @canyonnmoonn @mggshoe @boxofsparklingmuses @richardpapensmuse @deanlenaz @rainsong01 @goldentournesol @annesauriol @itsametaphorbriansblog @secretpickleprofessordean @shameleswhorehourstm @stepsofthefbi @iifloweringnightsii @mggsprettygirl @bravegirl221 @messyhairday-me @n1ghtsh4d3-67 @abbeypaw7 @findmedontlooseme @hiiwouldlikesomesleepplease @sarcasticsagittarius1998

#spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid smut #spencer x y/n #spencer reid x reader #Criminal Minds #Criminal Minds Fanfiction #criminal minds x reader #Come and Find Me #anightflowerwrites #anightflower writes

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curly-bangtan · 4 years

Text

Heatwave Drabble #8: contaminated

[Heatwave // Godless // Heatwave Drabbles] <- read first!

Pairing: Taehyung x reader

Summary: We’re always gonna be contaminated.

Genre: drabble, angst, fwb au, roommate au, f2l

Warnings: more feels!

Word count: 4.1k

A/N: Title named after the song Contaminated by BANKS. (Should give it a listen after reading!) Unedited!!!

“So what you’re telling me is, you fucked your roommate slash best friend who thought you were seducing him in the middle of a heatwave, and now, 9 months into sleeping together, you’re in love with him. Not only sleeping with, but also doing domestic coupley things like cooking together and cuddling during Netflix, but you guys not once made it official, or even exclusive because you both have commitment issues. And you thought he loved you too, so you decided to test him by saying you’re going on a date with someone to see his reaction, only for that to backfire right in your face because he slept with someone out of anger.”

You blink. “Man, why d’you have to put it like that?”

“Put it like what? I just summarised everything you told me concisely.” He laughs and pulls you in closer. You can’t help but note how different he smells, not bad, but just not what you’re used to. “So in conclusion, you’re both idiots and now you’re heartbroken.”

“I- I’m not heartbroken, I wouldn’t go that far. I’m just… a bit bummed out.” You avoid his gaze, squirming in his arms because the heat under the covers is starting to get to you.

“Wow, one night with you and I already know how stubborn and headstrong you are. You literally teared up a minute ago when you were talking about him. This is your problem: even now, you’re not willing to admit your true feelings. How well has that worked for you so far?” He shakes his head in dismay, his investment in your predicament surprisingly genuine.

This is a weird as fuck situation you’ve gotten yourself in. Out of desperation for relief from your, okay fine, heartbreak, you went out last night and came home with a guy. Taehyung had also gone out, and judging by the fact that it’s now the morning after and he still has yet to return, you can guess the direction in which his night went. It stings, but now you’re a hypocrite. This guy who you don’t even know the name of, Club Guy, has turned out to be more than just a fuck though. He knew he was the rebound for someone else, and he was more than glad to help. But one thing led to another, and the next thing you know, after your third round, you are pouring your heart out to this guy - this random, incredibly attractive, amazing at giving head, guy from the club.

It would be awfully strange, except he is unusually good at comforting people. You’re might consider keeping this one as a friend.

“Dude, I know it’s not my forte. I’m not good at expressing my emotions, okay?” You revel in the softness of his fingertips as he feathers your back. The sun is peeking through your curtains; you’re counting down the minutes until Taehyung returns, but at least speaking to Club guy is taking your mind off the fact that he was with someone else last night. “Yes, I’m heartbroken. I… I fucking love him. I know it was my fault for trying to get a reaction from him, but I just wanted him to say it, you know? Say that he loves me out in the open and that he wants me to… I don’t know, be his girlfriend. Girlfriend? Is that the right word? It sounds so weird. I don’t fucking know.”

Club Guy rolls his eyes, sighing at your ineptitude to grasp the simple concept of love. “Yes, girlfriend. God, you’re so annoyingly cute.” He smiles a smile at you that others would surely swoon for, and though your mind is too preoccupied with the boxy grin of someone else, you appreciate the warmth in his eyes. “Look, was it the night before the last that this all went down?”

“Yes.” Too fresh, too soon for you to be sleeping with someone else, you know. But you needed it so badly, you just needed to take your mind off him.

“What about the morning after? Surely you’ve seen each other since. From how you described him, I feel like there’s no way he could bring someone home knowing that you’re in the room next door.”

The memory sears.

You distinctly remember hearing their awkward morning-after conversation out in the dining room. After a long debate of whether to go out and reveal yourself to them or not, you decided that, fuck it, you’d already cried yourself to sleep last night because of this stupid son of a bitch, there is no reason for you to inconvenience yourself just to save Taehyung an even more awkward encounter. And so you stormed out of your room, eyes probably still a bit puffy and red, pretended you can’t see them and proceeded to make yourself a smoothie.

Yes, a homemade smoothie. You made sure to turn the setting of the blender all the way up so it was as loud and noisy as possible. You’re petty like that.

Especially because she’s using your mug.

Taehyung’s look of surprise when he saw you come out of your room did not give you even a fraction of satisfaction. Just a sad pang in your heart.

“I- Oh. I didn’t know you were home.” There was shame in his voice, and you hated every twist of your heart that it elicited.

You ignored him, not even a second of eye contact, poured that mango and berry smoothie and padded back into your room.

You had cried into your smoothie because his hair was messy like it usually was in the morning, voice still a deep rasp and eyes not fully open yet. And you had wanted to hug him so badly.

“It was awkward. I was a cold bitch and ignored him when I interrupted their breakfast. But no, he didn’t know, he was shocked to see me home.” You mutter, burying your face into your pillow to try to forget yesterday morning.

You could have said something, at least shown how hurt you were so he would apologise. Because you know he would apologise. But of course, you had a prideful image to uphold. Classic classic.

“Then…” Club Guy runs his fingers through your hair, twirling at the ends. “Then I feel like it’s really not too late. I’ll be out of here soon, and when he comes back, just sit him down and speak to him calmly. Calmly being the key word here. Explain to him that you weren’t actually remotely interested in the guy you went on a date with, and just wanted to prompt him to make you his. Tell him that you made a mistake and you’re hurt by what he did, but you can look past it because you were both in the wrong. Or maybe just tell him that you love him and don’t want to be with anyone else. It’s your choice whether you tell him about you and me, but what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him is all I’m saying.”

You contemplate his words. It sounds easy as hell when he says it like that, but you know when the moment comes, you will freeze up, panic, and muck it up somehow. It’s just a ‘I’m sorry’ and three simple words. Yet it feels like the most difficult thing you’re going to do.

“But what if he doesn’t understand. What if he doesn’t even like me like that, I feel like I could be grossly misinterpreting things.” You’ve pondered about this possibility since two nights ago. Afterall, how could he just go out and sleep with someone like that right after your fight if you mean so much to him? But then again, look at you now - likewise in bed with someone, albeit mostly for therapeutic reasons.

Club Guy shakes his head looking at you, almost in pity at how you could possibly still not get it. Smirk playing at his lips that remind you so much of Taehyung’s smugness. Fuck, it hasn’t been two days and you already miss him so much that your bones ache.

“Look, your best friend is head over heels in love with you and you’re seriously blind for not being able to see this earlier. Didn’t you say he would stay up all night with you during exam season to make you coffee and massage your shoulders? There’s no question about it, the guy is more whipped than whipped cream.”

Club Guy sits up, the covers falling off his front to reveal his toned sparsely tattooed body. You watch him wordlessly get dressed, the storm that is your mind whirling you into pieces. He’s right. He’s so right, and you hate it. The solution is honestly so simple. You and Taehyung are like two dots on a blank page. Instead of a mere straight line to connect the dots, you drew spirals around each other, closer and closer but never touching.

Should you tell him about Club Guy? You feel like you should. Though he is right, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. But you don’t want any more games, anymore dishonesty. Straight line.

“Uh, thank you for talking this out with me, I appreciate it. I’ve had no one to talk to about this because none of my friends know about him and I, and it’s kind of too late for me to drop the bomb now.” The awkwardness begins to trickle in, on your part at least. Club Guy just smiles that smile at you, rather pleased with himself.

“I should have charged you for that.” He shimmies into his skin tight black jeans, eyes crescent in amusement.

“What, the sex or the therapy session?” You joke. It’s sad because he has such potential to be a great fuck buddy, and you 9 months ago would not have hesitated to make him your next booty call. But the truth is, even as you were kissing, fucking someone else, you were imagining Taehyung the whole time.

If love is a sickness, you’re plagued on your deathbed.

Club Guy laughs. “If it doesn’t work out, call me I guess. But I’m rooting for the two of you idiots. You better not fuck this up.” When he slides into his shoes, you realise how much you dread him leaving. Firstly, because finally speaking to someone about all your pent up emotions for Taehyung feels like a weight lifted off your chest. Secondly, because you really don’t want to be left alone right now. You don’t want to agonise over every second that Taehyung isn’t home yet.

Lethargically, you stretch over the covers and roll out of bed, your limbs feeling especially heavy with the looming pressure of what you have to say to Taehyung. “I’ll… walk you out.”

The next series of events happens in shutters.

Mid yawn, as you’re scuttling down the hallway after Club Guy to see him out, the front door swings open. Taehyung walks in in yesterday’s clothes, wearing a miserable expression to begin with. But when his eyes glance up and locks on your male company, his face…

Shatters.

You have never seen Taehyung’s temper explode before. You’ve witnessed his grumpy tantrums, his quiet sulking, but this - a detonation of pure rage, catalysed by shock - runs your blood ice cold.

‘What the fuck?’ His voice is deadly low, eyes flying between the two of you. And instantly, you’re filled with a reciprocating anger. He can’t possibly go off on you right now, he can’t have the fucking nerve. Not when you hadn’t said a word about him and that girl yesterday.

“Holy shit…” From the corner of your eye, Club Guy turns a ghastly sheet of white.

It doesn’t dawn on you until he spits his name out like poison. ‘Park Jimin, what the fuck?’

And sense exits your brain.

You can’t move a muscle if you wanted to, nor utter a sound. You feel like flotsam, swept away by a roaring wave. This can’t be happening. This can’t be real. Of all people, all people, you slept with Park Jimin. As in Taehyung’s ex-best friend who his girlfriend had cheated on him with, Park Jimin.

“Oh my fucking god. Kim Taehyung…” To his credit, Jimin can at least speak, unlike you. Gone was the lovely, charming guy talking you through your crisis. He brushes his hair back in disbelief. “I- What the fuck… I swear I didn’t know she’s your girl.” You try not to let the words ‘your girl’ sink in too much. Because you were his, even if you weren’t.

“I swear to fucking god. I give you 10 seconds to leave my house before I kill you.” Not only can you not believe your poor luck of managing to bring home Jimin of all people from a random bar, you also cannot believe the fury seething from Taehyung, someone who you no longer recognise.

Jimin does not need to be told twice; he spares you one last glance before dashing out.

After the door slams, there’s just silence. Your eyes fixed on Taehyung’s, mind trying to comprehend how royally you’ve fucked up once again. You’re desperately trying to convince yourself that it isn’t your fault, you didn’t know. But the hurt trickling through Taehyung’s angry facade inoculates you with enough guilt to make you nauseous.

“Seriously?” Taehyung is trembling, from rage or heartache you don’t know. “You fucked Jimin?”

“I… I had no idea, I swear, Taehyung.” You want to move towards him but your feet stay planted on the ground. Your own throat is trembling, definitely out of heartache. You can’t imagine the pain tearing through him right now.

Another moment of an agonising silence. Every second you’re just standing there flabbergasted is a fresh stab to your chest. How did you two get to this place?

“So you fucked him? Yes or no?” When his voice cracks, it takes everything in you to keep the tears from springing.

You swallow. “Yes.”

Taehyung shuts his eyes, and it feels like he’s shutting the chapter of his life that is you. The end is looming, you can feel it. You don’t see how you two could possibly recover from this. How could he forgive you?

“Did it not cross your mind that that Jimin you were fucking could be the Jimin who stole my ex-girlfriend? Like the Jimin that led me to move in with you in the first place? Did I seriously not cross your mind even once?” His words are a slap after slap, no, even more physical than a slap.

Did he not cross your mind, he has the audacity to ask. He was the only thing on your mind, that idiot.

“I didn’t know his name, Taehyung.” You try to suppress the surge of injustice you feel. Of course you thought about him. How could he even ask something like that, as if you’ve done this out of malice.

“Oh, right.” He scoffs, shoulders dropping. “I forgot, you fuck guys without learning their names.”

And just like that, the line between sadness and anger is breached.

“Excuse me? What did you just say to me?”

“Do you want me to repeat it?”

Somehow, anger hurts more than the guilt you had felt. It manifests as something grotesque festering away in your chest, all the bitterness, the tears, the heartbreak, all condensed into this ugly emotion.

“Taehyung, you went and fucked someone first while I was in the room next door.” His tightly drawn brows soften a little. “I heard everything, every creak of the bed, every moan, every fucking thing. You have no idea how much that killed me, not a single fucking idea.” You feel your face crumpling, eyes stinging, and you hate falling apart like this in front of him, but there’s nothing holding your broken pieces together anymore. “I didn’t say a single word about it, shit, I even let that bitch use my mug while I was dying inside. And now you have the nerve to pin this on me and make me feel like a worthless piece of shit.”

You watch it dawn on him, the distraught state of your mind. And you want it to feel like a competition, like ha, you hurt me way more. But it isn’t. There is no winner. There’s just you two, gradually losing each other.

“I was drunk…” He croaks. “And I didn’t know you were home, I thought you went home with Junho.”

“You really think that little of me. Then you don’t know me at all if you think I would’ve done that. But look at yourself, you didn’t text me once that night, just went straight out to the club and fucked some girl. And what about last night? You didn’t come home either.” You hiss, pitch raising.

“I didn’t sleep with her last night. I couldn’t even kiss her for more than a minute on her bed because it felt so wrong it made me fucking sick. I stayed on her couch and thought about you all fucking night. Happy?”

The truth rams into you no lighter than a train. You curse yourself. You curse him. This spectacular mess is unravelling so devastatingly that you want to scream. You can’t stomach the thought that you were fucking Jimin while he was thinking about you. Your situations mirrored one night after the next.

“And you say you were dying inside, but what about me? Hmm?” He flings his arms in exasperation. “Well what about me? How do you think I felt when I found out you were going on a date with some guy I’ve never heard you mention? How do you think I felt when you left me here all alone after that fight to wonder what the hell you were going to do with him that night? What else could I have done except get so drunk that I didn’t even remember my own name?” Seeing pain splatter across his beautiful features perhaps ruins you more than anything else. But your own pain is ringing.

“You didn’t even text me once! All you needed to do was tell me not to go, and I would have fucking stayed!” You cry, your throat dry and clogged.

“Did you want me to get on my fucking knees and beg? I didn’t have a right to tell you not to go. If you wanted to go, who am I to stop you?” He yells, a sheen now coating over his eyes, much like your own.

“GOD, I didn’t want to go, Taehyung! I don’t like him at all! Junho was nice but my mind wasn’t on him for even one second. I was coming back home to tell you I love you because I can’t stomach being with anyone else. But guess what? You were out pulling someone else because I clearly meant so little to you. Then I had to stay up all night listening to your fucking sex noises. I’m not the one who fucked up first here.”

Taehyung takes a breath to retort, but stops. Nothing but woundedness in his eyes. It’s clear that your words are embedding into him. The I was coming back home to tell you I love you. His expression falls, rapid breathing slows.

You’re looking at each other like you don’t recognise the other. Because it has never been like this between you two before. He has never felt more foreign, distant.

And when a wave of silence to calm you both has passed, he says quietly, “Why did you have to do that to me in the first place? I… I thought it was clear how I felt…”

The thundering tempest of your temper eases completely at the brokenness in his eyes. Acrid taste of regret in your mouth at the words that you hadn’t meant. Taehyung wasn’t the one who fucked up first, you shouldn’t have pulled that whole date thing. If you had just trusted him, and given him time, you would not be here right now.

But look at you two, fighting once again. Calmly, Jimin had said. And even that, you weren’t capable of. This is a childish game, the tossing of blame, and you’re drained. You don’t want to fight anymore. You don’t want to hurt. But you don’t know how to end this without ending everything.

“You really, really hurt me, Taehyung. But I was still willing to let it go. I was waiting for you to come back to tell you that… To tell you how I feel.” Your voice is soft now, diminished to just more than a whisper. You feel so extremely vulnerable, your frame creases inwards.

“You slept with Jimin…” Taehyung breathes, fists slowly unclenching. “Y/N, not just anyone, Jimin. I know I’d be a hypocrite if it were anyone else, but it’s him.”

“I didn’t know it was Jimin.”

“I didn’t know you were home after the date.”

For a good long second, you just stare at each other, chests heaving, throats raw, and you wonder if you are going to kiss and make up right this instant. Because for a moment, it feels like you could. It feels like you could forsake the past and just start anew.

But the window for that opportunity passes by as neither one of you takes a step forward.

You’re going in circles, you know.

“This isn’t going to work.”

Despite everything, this has been the hardest thing for you to say yet. And this time, you let the tears roll down. Your heart is screaming at you because it is on fire, but you persist through it because you know this has to stop and he doesn’t have the heart to say it so it has to be you.

And you just look long and hard at Taehyung, watch his eyes widen, shift, as he registers the finality of this outcome. It has been a wreckage. Only fragments of what once was a beautiful thing is left. You can’t keep hurting each other like this, and he finally knows it.

“What do you mean?” He asks, as if your heart hasn’t broken enough.

You want to fall onto your knees and sob.

“I mean, this needs to end. We’re doing and saying things we don’t mean and causing each other so much pain. If it was meant to work, it would have worked. I don’t want to keep doing this, Taehyung. Let’s stop this before we hurt more.”

Falling. Tears keep falling.

You’re breathing, yet choking on air.

Taehyung’s cheeks are stained, eyes rimmed with red. You have to clamp down on your lips to prevent yourself from crying out loud. When he closes his eyes, streams flow out, and you don’t think you’ve ever experienced greater pain. You want to hold him so badly, so badly. You want to tell him that you’re sorry for everything, and that you’ll always forgive him no matter what he’s done. But you can’t. Because you know things can never return to the way they were. Neither of you will be able to forget what the other’s done, it will live in the back of your minds, eating away at your insecurities.

Your love is tainted. Contaminated. And always will be now.

And even still, the selfish part of you wants him to say something, protest, fight for you. But you know he won’t. Because you know he knows it won’t be the same.

“So this is it? It’s over?” Cracks in his voice, cracks in your hearts.

It’s over.

But you can’t say it, so you just nod. All of this, just gone within days. Was your love so fragile to begin with? You were such a fool to believe that it would be enough.

“You can stay here, I’ll go.” You finally tear your eyes away from him, vision but a white glassy blur. You would rather him stay, it’s the least amount of respect you could offer to show how much he means to you.

And as you’re about to turn away, “You know that I love you, right?”

He says it, the first and last time you’ll hear those three words containing the meaning you’ve been seeking.

The tears don’t feel like they can stop.

“I know. I love you, Taehyung.”

And that has been your problem. You love each other too much but trust yourselves not enough.

A/N: Sorry SORRY!! Don’t hate me… ;----; one part left </3

22/02/19

@taexxxiiaa @shookpreme @taetaeobsessed @tangledsparkles @nonexistentfucks @evilkookie @nbiased95 @taehyungmakesmeoof @itscalledgayhoney @tahaing @deliciouslydisturbed365 @expensive-bangtan-girl @jwlmnbt @herakimkim @dnyad @kaepjjang365 @gingerpeachtae @spring2787 @askingtheimportantthingshere @casualminiaturetimemachine @vasysauce @deadinsidebitch2412 @emiyooa @i-dont-even-know-fck @chimycthulhu @gixanjos @hisunshiine @xtaeyi @softjellyjimin @bluemooncnblue @malfeitofeitto @bangtanfancamp @keopitae @out-of-jams@camilaxpolanco @d-noona @haechanspudu @dawnispeace @vante-visuals@liquanzhe222 @bangtanloverrrrr @inner-monologue @bs14401 @seokjoontae @trviahope @comingjimin @jeonsshadow

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randomoranges · 3 years

Text

just some canon things about thoughts and things. :)

title from Miss you from The Rolling Stones

Been Holding Out so Long [Been Sleeping All Alone]

September 2021

Edward waits impatiently for the video call to connect. He holds his breath as the beeping ends and the screen fades in to reveal Étienne, sitting on his living room couch, with Mercury by his side. He lets out a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding in and just the sight of his boyfriend is enough to ground him.

“Hey, hey,” The video image of Étienne says and Edward desperately wants to reach out for him and hold him close. It feels like a lifetime since he’s last seen him and the end of summer has been a roller coaster on him. Étienne, on the other hand, seems more like himself than he had at this point last year. He looks absolutely charming in his short sleeved shirt and sun kissed skin. Edward can tell that the weather has already cooled some, if only by the absence of Étienne’s proverbial tank tops and the fact that he’s let his hair down. It’s gotten longer still, now well beyond his shoulders and Edward would love nothing more but to run his fingers through it and feel the soft strands slither between his hands.

“It’s good to see you,” He says and he does mean it, even if it sounds like a platitude. He would rather have Étienne seated next to him on the sofa, doing nothing and just – sharing the space together, but he’ll take what he can. At least, now, they have this. They can actually see one another instead of the simple phone calls and letters of before. It helps with the solitude – a bit.

From across the screen, Étienne beams and Edward drinks in the way his lips curve up as he smiles. He lets himself feast on the fold of his eyes and the way the green of them comes through in this lighting. He doesn’t think he’s given them enough attention recently and stays there for a moment longer, until Étienne frowns slightly and Edward realises he’s been quiet and lost in his own thoughts for a beat too long.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” He says quickly, dismissing Étienne’s fears even if they aren’t completely unfounded. He’s felt off as of late and even though he knows why, he doesn’t want Étienne worrying from his own end of the world, when he has his own issues to deal with. It’s not how it works.

Étienne gives him a look that clearly means he’s not buying it but that he’ll let pass for now.

“Calvin doing okay?”

He hesitates for a moment and then nods, “As good as can be.” He doesn’t mean to sound short, but he does and Étienne clearly notices.

“You still haven’t spoken to him?”

“No – I have...” It’s the truth. They have spoken. They’ve exchanged words about certain recent matters, which has been an improvement from the silent treatment he’d been giving Calvin. In his defence, it had been merited. Should they both move on? Maybe, but he’s not there yet.

“Lemme rephrase that,” Étienne starts with a small sigh, “Have you forgiven him?”

Edward remains silent. He has not. He’s still mad and in his opinion, he has every right to be.

“Maybe you should?” Étienne suggests when Edward doesn’t answer. “You didn’t make a big stink about my own social adventures...”

Edward rolls his eyes. His boyfriend doesn’t get it. He’s not here, living through this hell of a hot mess. “That was different. Yours were – contained.”

Étienne laughs, “Please; did you see the crowds? Hell, you were there! We had to wait inside the stadium for over an hour before we could get out because of the outdoor crowds. People were just as reckless here as they were there.”

“Yeah, but at least you weren’t aching for it. You – your people – you weren’t just acting as if it was all back to normal. There were still precautions put in place. To try and be careful. Instead of just – opening the flood gates.” He lets out an irritated groan and scrubs a hand over his face. “Look, just forget it, okay? I don’t want to get in a row with you as well. One boyfriend is enough.”

Étienne opens his mouth to say something, but then shuts it, as if knowing better and for that, Edward is thankful. He knows it sounds very hypocritical. He is perfectly well aware of it. And he hadn’t exactly been pleased with the videos Étienne had sent him either of the crowds, but – maybe the distance had made it better. Maybe knowing how hard it had been on Montreal had made him look the other way. He doesn’t know. And he doesn’t want to analyse it. Maybe it’s just the way Calvin phrased the whole thing that had set him off. He doesn’t want to talk about it. Doesn’t want to think about it or anything else going on.

He’s exhausted from everything that keeps happening and is happening and he just wants to shoot the shit with Étienne and talk about literally anything else that will keep his mind from spinning on itself. He looks out his window and tries to center himself on something that won’t make him want to punch a hole in the wall.

He watches the leaves rustle on his tree in his backyard and follows one that falls to the ground in a lovely yellow spiral. Summer has indeed come and gone and he remembers how just one year ago, Étienne had returned to stay with him, seeking shelter from his own mind. It may not have started as the best of visits, but Edward would give anything to go back to those – somewhat easier moments.

He looks back at the screen and finds that Étienne is still there, giving him the space he needs and petting Mercury who stands guard besides him, observing him from the screen as well. He remembers first seeing her, a little over a year and a half ago, and how tiny she’d been then. It’s hard to believe that she’s the same dog he’d met then.

“Any chance of a surprise visit from you sometime soon?” He asks, even though he knows Étienne won’t be coming over. Not now that things are “back to normal”. (They’re not, but that’s what everyone keeps saying. He’s not sure what they’re looking at or in which universe they’re living in.)

“I wish.” Étienne says with a dejected little pout. “But we’re back in person so I can’t work from home anymore. It’s been a mess and even though I had to get up earlier it was kind of nice. I don’t have any weeks off either before the holidays, so if I did decide to visit it would be early to mid December at the earliest...”

Étienne could have told him he’d be over in his next lifetime and at that moment, it would have sounded the same. He doesn’t know why he’s disappointed, but he is.

“Probably for the best, the way things are at the moment over here...”

“I did think of it though, but I’d need to find a reason for my classes to go online.” Étienne cuts through and Edward gives him a look as though he’s a mad man.

“You better not, Maisonneuve,” He warns, low and dark. This isn’t how things work. He’s usually the one who goes out of his way for people, not the other way around.

“I might have to stretch the truth a bit,” Étienne goes on, as if he hasn’t heard him, “Might have to say my partner is going through some stuff and I need to be by his side. Boyfriend would be too – insignificant, but they’d agree for partner and it’s not that big of a deal, right? You are going through some stuff and if we don’t count the near twenty-years we didn’t really talk, we’ve been together for like, over four decades, so it could work.” He says matter-of-factly, rattling off the facts as if it doesn’t mean anything – as if it doesn’t have some momentous weight that moors Edward’s heart.

“You will do no such thing. Don’t go out of your way for me, really. We’ll see each other when we see each other and that’ll be it. We’ve gotten soft with the consecutive months we spent together. It’s fine – don’t go doing something impulsive on my behalf.” He doesn’t want Étienne to change his schedule for his sake. Doesn’t need to be that person. He’s fine, really, if only a little lonely, but he doesn’t mind the loneliness. He’s never minded it. He just – got used to having Étienne around and is having a scuffle with Calvin, so things are just this side of quiet and with all the other issues going on in the province, he’s just a little unsettled, it’s all. It’ll pass and everything will be fine and he doesn’t need his boyfriend to make arrangements to change his classes to online just to be here with him.

“Hey,” Étienne cuts through and his voice is steady and firm and commands his attention through the miasma of doubt and fear and anxiety of his mind, “I will go out of my way for you if I want. You’re important to me. You’ve always done it for me. Lemme return the favour.”

Maybe it’s a good thing they’re not sitting together. Edward would hate for Étienne to see the way his face flushes and read emotions on his face he’d rather keep buried.

“That’s not the point,” He says, feebly.

“It really is the point. If I want to come over and look after you, I will come over and look after you unless you specifically tell me you don’t want me over, obviously. I don’t want to impose but I also don’t want you to dismiss the idea just because you think you’re some bother to me. I’d like to spend time with you as well and for the record, I also miss you. So there.”

It sounds so very childish that Edward can’t help but laugh, “You’re so ridiculous.” He says instead and Étienne sticks out his tongue at him.

“You could always come crash at mine, if you want and can. That’s an option too, if you don’t want me to change my schedule on a whim just to come and dote on you in person. It’d be like some weird role reversal on a situational point.” Étienne grins at his clever joke, but Edward actually considers it for a moment. He hasn’t thought about the possibility, (mostly, because some part of him still couldn’t believe that Étienne would want to have him over – which is silly, he knows).

“Calvin could come too – eventually, if you wanted,” He adds quickly, as if afraid that Edward will judge or think little of him if he doesn’t.

“I’ll – I’ll think about it,” He blurts, unsure what else to say and still shocked by this other possibility. It would be nice to step away from the chaos of home at the moment. There a few odds and ends he’d have to take care of, but – it could work.

“And it’s fine if you can’t or don’t want to for whatever reason, but it’s an option and I don’t care if you give me five minutes warning or five weeks. I’ll also look into changing my courses – maybe for the winter term it might be easier. I’ll let you know.”

He wants to argue against that last point, but he knows there’s no point to it; not when Étienne has that determined look to his face. “You’re a mad man,” He says instead with a sigh of his own. He knows a last cause when he sees one.

“Maybe, but maybe I’m just a poor sap who wants to see his boyfriend as well.”

Edward looks him over once more and he swears he can spy a flicker of loneliness on Étienne’s face as well. He reminds himself that, if anyone would get it, it would be Étienne. Instinctively, he reaches over to the screen, as if wanting to touch him – to feel that Étienne really is there with him, but instead, his fingers connect with the screen of his laptop and his saddened smile is mirrored on Étienne’s face.

“I promise things will work out.” Étienne murmurs, as if reading through every turmoil that has been rooted in his head for the past while.

Edward closes his hand on an imaginary one he wishes was there and spares another thought to the crazy ideas Étienne mentioned moments ago.

“I love you, kay? M’here for you too.”

He nods, suddenly overcome with emotions, and wonders if they aren’t some accumulation come to crest over to clear off the thoughts that have been plaguing him. It would be nice, if cathartic, but it would be nicer still if they can wait until the call is over.

“Talk to Calvin. You’ll feel better.”

Edward wants to make some petty joke about self-sabotage and a comment about Étienne suddenly being on board with his relationship with Calvin, but it feels trite and misplaced, considering the fact that he knows Étienne genuinely means well. Instead, he nods and promises to do his best.

FIN

#pc: montreal #pc: edmonton #edward murphy #étienne maisonneuve #projocanondoko #fic

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