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applerubyy · 3 years

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Ciao Adios

Summary: When you find your boyfriend cheating on you yo decide to expose him in the pettiest way you can think of.

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader (some Loki x Reader if you squint)

Word Count: 4k

Warnings: Cheating and cursing (I think that’s it?)

A/N: Hi! So this is my first time writing and posting anything here so if its terrible please tell me nicely :). This is some AU where everyone lives and all is happy ok? Also english is not my first language so I apologize in advance for any grammar or spelling mistakes. Anyway, if it turns out that some of you like it I think I’d be willing to do a part 2 if you like. Hope you enjoy it! <3. Btw, the gif is not mine so credit to whoever made it.

Crack. That’s the sound of your heart breaking, ripped to pieces in just a few seconds. And no, you were not exaggerating. Seeing your boyfriend kissing someone else while taking off their clothes would do that to a person. And in his office of all places.

How did you not see that coming? They had a lot in common and they did spend a lot of time together but you were just so naïve thinking that he was the most trust-worthy person ever that you looked the other way and believed him when he told you she was “just a friend”.

Just a friend my ass you thought as you calmly walked to your room. No running, that would draw attention to you and you didn’t need that. No crying either, because once you started you wouldn’t be able to stop. Walking down the hallway and taking the elevator to your floor feels like it takes forever.

Time is funny that way. It has that annoying tendency to slow down or speed up at the worst times. Like when you were in college and the clock seemed to literally stop, you would look at the time and it was 10:20 am and check again after what felt like half an hour for it to be 10:25 am. Or like when you are having fun with your friends at a club and you see it’s 12:30 but when you look again a few minutes later it’s 2:40. Right now it feels like the former, time seems to have slowed down. Maybe Dr. Strange did something to it? No, that’s stupid, he wouldn’t play with time that way.

Finally the elevator pings open and you rush to your room. Well, it’s not only your room anymore. You share it with him and everything is a reminder of what you just saw. The art supplies on the desk by the window, the famous shield leaning against the wall near the door, the messy bed where you sleep together every night …

And every single thing brings tears to your eyes until finally, the dam breaks and you let the tears fall down. You bring your hand to your mouth to muffle a sob that brings you to your knees. Crying is the only thing you can do right now because your brain is stuck on a loop. All you can see is Steve kissing her, unbuttoning her shirt with one hand while the other grabbed her ass. And all you can hear are their moans, Sharon’s whimper when he touched her and his groan as he did so.

And now you are full on crying and choking on air because that scene keeps replaying itself over and over no matter how much you want it to stop. And you do, Gosh you do because there is so much your heart can take and this is too much. It shatters you in more ways than one. It makes you question everything you thought you knew about him, about her, about your relationship and about yourself.

You remember the first time you met him. You were already in college and looking for an internship. Luckily you happened to be the niece of the one and only Pepper Potts. And who wouldn’t want to work near Earth's mightiest heroes? You sure did. You were studying journalism and communications in New York and working with the Avengers was the ultimate dream, one that was about to come true.

Your first day was uneventful, it consisted mainly of coffee runs, delivering files and passing messages along. That was until your third coffee run where you ran straight into a wall, well actually it wasn’t a wall but it felt like it. The coffee spilled everywhere, on your clothes and his, and you were going to fall on your butt if it wasn’t for him grabbing your arms to steady you. Imagine your surprise when you looked up to see Captain America himself.

And that’s the moment your love story started. It seemed like something straight out of a romantic comedy and you loved it. It started with flirting, a date and then another, him asking you to be his girlfriend and finally asking you to move in once you graduated. It felt like a fairytale.

Tony wasn't very happy about you and the Capsicle but he saw how happy you were so he tried to be happy too. Tony was your uncle even if you didn’t share any blood. Growing up you would visit your aunty Pepper in New York and he was always around, you even stayed at his house when Pepper and him had to work. So, you two became really close even before he became Iron Man and started dating your aunt.

The same thing happened with Rhody. Your close relationship with Tony meant you were close to him too, seeing as he was one of the most important people in his life. Rhody treated you like his niece and was the only one he didn’t make fun of which you took as the ultimate compliment.

So those three you knew before you started working at the compound and before Steve. But once you started working there you met the rest of the Avengers. Being Pepper and Tony's niece and Steve's girlfriend meant they all wanted to get to know you.

You met Bruce Banner, the Hulk, and you became really close. But that was thanks to his close relation with Tony and all the time you spent with him working on his social media presence to make sure people saw him as more than just the green monster who smashes things. After a while of working there they promoted you and now you manage the Avengers social media.

Nat and Wanda became your best friends from the moment you met. You just clicked and hung out as much as possible, being the only girls on the team meant they were really happy to have another female added to the mix. As for Vision, he liked you because Wanda did, simple as that.

Bucky and Sam were the funniest people ever, their constant bickering always brought a smile to your face and they welcomed you with open arms. Happy that their friend had finally found someone to be with.

Thor and Clint were like the fun uncles you got to see every once in a while. The God of Thunder was like an excited puppy and would hug you till you couldn’t breath every time he came to Earth and Clint would joke around with you and FaceTime you when he was with his kids because they loved you (“best babysitter ever” that called you).

You met Peter when he started working for your uncle. He was a sweet kid and your love of memes, vines and pop culture made you instant friends. He would ask you for advice on girls and tell you science jokes.

But we all know not all fairytales have a happy ending and this one definitely didn’t. You’re feeling so many things at once. There’s anger, sadness, jealousy and something else you can’t put your finger on. You keep crying and are unable to move from your kneeling position on the floor. Checking the clock you realize you’ve been on the floor crying for an hour so you stand up.

Taking a shower seems like the best thing to do, your head is pounding and your face is all puffy. As you shower it hits you, that other feeling swirling around is inevitability. In a way you always thought he was too good for you, you always thought he would eventually get tired of you and trade you for someone else.

It just hurt too much that it was her, the woman he shared so much with. The niece of Peggy Carter, his first love. An agent of S. H. I. E. L. D. Someone who risked their life for the world like he did. Someone prettier. Someone better than you.

Yeah, you were definitely on a self-pity party. But you needed to be miserable for a while, to cry it all out, to hurt so that you could move on to the next stage of grief: anger. And when that came, there was no stopping you.

You weren’t a mean person, or a petty one. You gave everyone countless opportunities and forgave way too easily so you never really got angry. But when you did, when you said enough is enough, yeah, you better watch out. That could be the meanest bitch you ever met and she had no mercy.

So you got out of the shower, dried yourself and started getting ready. Tony was throwing yet another party about who knows what and you were not missing it. You liked parties, they were the perfect excuse for wearing pretty dresses and putting on make up. And tonight you were going all out.

Your inner bitch was concocting a plan and you were going with it.

You hear the door open and prepare yourself to put on the best acting of your life. You take a deep breath and in the sweetest voice you can muster say: “Steve is that you babe?”

“Yeah doll it’s me” you hear him say. A few second later he pops into the bedroom and gives you a peck on the lips as you continue with your makeup.

“How was your day?” Steve asks as he takes off his clothes, probably to take a shower. “I missed you today, i went by your office but you weren’t there” he says with a small frown between his eyes. You could stare at his blue eyes forever but snap out of it when you remember what he did.

“Oh not much, i left work earlier to get ready for tonight” you answer. Shit your work. You really did leave like that, but after tonight hopefully they’ll understand. “You should start getting ready, the party starts in thirty minutes”.

He smiles at you and tells you he’s going to take a quick shower before getting dressed. He goes to the bathroom and you feel like breaking the mirror but instead take a few deep breaths and remind yourself he’s getting what he deserves later on. With that in mind you finish applying you makeup and smile at yourself, you look good. Moving on to your hair you decide to do some loose waves and that’s it, you really don’t know how to make those complicated updos.

Steve gets out of the shower and starts putting on his suit. Men really do have it easier you think to yourself when you see all the work you had to do and he just showers and that’s it.

You take your dress out of the closet and admire it. It really is beautiful. It has a deep plunging neckline that shows a lot of cleavage and is skin tight with a slit on one side. The fact that it is silver with sequins makes it even better. Pepper helped you pick this dress.

You put on the dress and admire yourself in the mirror. You look good. Behind you, you hear a whistle and turn around to see Steve watching you lust in his eyes. He comes closer and grabs you by the waist, pulling you to him.

“You look stunning” he says as he wets his bottom lip. “I can’t wait to take it off of you when we get back”. Lying cheating bastard.

“Can't wait” you lie as you wrap your arms around his neck and kiss him. This is just a kiss goodbye you tell yourself. One last kiss before he’s out of your life and probably runs to her. Tears threaten to fill your eyes but you hold them down. Not now.

You break the kiss when the need to breathe is too strong. Grabbing his hand you start walking towards the door and say: “Come on, we’re already late”.

——————————————————————————

The party had already started once you walk in and in true Tony fashion it is elegant and extravagant. Everyone is there: S. H. I. E. L. D. agents, the Avengers themselves, politicians and a few famous people.

You and Steve walk to the bar and order drinks. A whiskey for him and a strawberry daiquiri for you, yes you are that basic but hey, it tastes awesome. He offers you his arm and with drinks in your hands you start looking for your friends. A lot of people stop you on the way, nobody wants to miss an opportunity to talk to Captain America.

One thing, or rather on person, catches your attention: Loki. He’s sitting on one of the cushions alone with a drink in his hand. It’s weird to see him there. Sure, he was redeeming himself for what he did in 2012 and Thor said he was doing better but he rarely left Asgard (he “hated mortals”) and when he did come to Earth it wasn’t for a party.

As if he could feel you staring he turns his head and locks his eyes with yours. You weren’t going to lie, he was gorgeous. He was incredibly tall, had those charming green eyes and was actually funny (but you’d never admit that to anyone). But you were in love with Steve and never saw him as anything more than Thor's hot brother. And everyone in the Avengers was hot so that’s not saying much.

You turn away from him and see Nat and Wanda on the dance floor and you tell Steve you’ll see him later and to go find his friends. He’ll need them after tonight you think to yourself. You greet the girls and start dancing with them, for a moment forgetting about what you saw today and putting Loki out of your mind.

The three of you decided to take a break and order some more drinks. Once at the bar Wanda orders for you and when your drinks arrive you go back to the dance floor. You spend the next few hours dancing, talking to your friends and pretending that nothing's wrong. Talking to Steve and pretending that nothing's wrong. Hugging Steve and pretending that nothing's wrong. Kissing Steve and pretending that nothing's wrong.

The fact that Sharon is at the party doesn’t help at all. When you see her talking or touching him you feel like you’re gonna lose it but you remain strong. You remind yourself of your plan and try to keep them out of your mind.

There’s a small stage at the far end of the room and you see your uncle Tony step on it and grab the microphone.

“Hello everyone and thank you for coming to another one of my amazing parties. I hope you are having a good time and taking advantage of the free bar over there” he points to the other side of the room and continues, “Now for what we have all been waiting for: karaoke! And yes, i want everyone to sing something because that’s the whole point of this. I'm looking at you Manchurian Candidate, you’re singing”.

With that he gets off the stage and passes the mic to Sam who decided to sing a Marvin Gaye song. He’s pretty good actually but you can’t fully concentrate on him because your mind is going a thousand miles an hour for what it’s going to happen later.

More people go up and sing their songs and you applaud when they’re done. Nobody is talking much, they're all too busy either laughing at the others performance, drinking or actually listening to the songs. You’re sitting with Steve to your right, Bruce to your left and the rest of the Avengers nearby. You’re your own little group.

It’s finally your turn and as you walk to the stage you can hear your friends whistling and cheering you on. Once you’re up on the stage you choose the song and start singing.

Ask you once, ask you twice now

There's lipstick on your collar

You say she's just a friend now

Then why don't we call her?

So you wanna go home with someone

To do all the things you used to do to me

I swear, I know you do

Used to take me out in your fancy car

And make out in the rain

And when I ring you up

Don't know where you are

'Til I hear her say your name

Used to sing along when you played guitar

That's a distant memory

Hope she treats you better than you treated me, ha

As you continue singing you get more and more confident and take the mic. You walk off the little stage and over to your friends while dancing and you can see them smiling, clapping and having fun. They have no idea how much i mean all of this you think. You look at Steve and he’s completely oblivious. Good, you want to take him by surprise. You arrive at your little circle of friends and start singing the chorus.

I'm onto you, yeah you

I'm not your number one

I saw you with her

Kissing and having fun

If you're giving her all of your money and time

I'm not gonna sit here wasting mine on you, yeah, you

Ciao adios, I'm done

You keep dancing and go back to back with Wanda who’s also singing along. You then turn to Nat and she grabs your hand and makes you do a little spin.

After three, after four times

Why did I bother?

Tell me how many more times

Does it take to get smarter?

Don't need to deny the hurt and the lies

And all of the things you did to me

I swear, I know you did

And now you take her out in your fancy car

And make out in the rain

And when she rings you up

She know where you are

But I know differently

Now she sings along when you play guitar

Making brand new memories

Hope you treat her better than you treated me

You go up to Tony and he starts dancing around you busting out some dad moves. You laugh and keep on singing and dancing.

I'm onto you, yeah you

I'm not your number one

I saw you with her

Kissing and having fun

If you're giving her all of your money and time

I'm not gonna sit here wasting mine on you, yeah, you

Ciao adios, I'm done (I'm done)

Ciao adios, I'm done (no, no, no, no)

Ciao adios, I'm done

If you're giving her all of your money and time

I'm not gonna sit here wasting mine on you, yeah, you

Ciao adios, I'm done

And now you take her out in your fancy car

And make out in the rain

And when she rings you up

She know where you are

But I know differently

Now she sings along when you play guitar

Making brand new memories

Hope you treat her better than you treated me

You walk back to the stage as you sing and step up. You put the mic back into place and sing the last part of the song.

I'm onto you, yeah you

I'm not your number one

I saw you with her (with her)

Kissing and having fun (and fun)

If you're giving her all of your money and time

I'm not gonna sit here wasting mine on you, yeah, you

Ciao adios, I'm done (I'm done)

Ciao adios, I'm done (you get on with your life, I'll get on with my life)

Ciao adios, I'm done

If you're giving her all of your money and time

I'm not gonna sit here wasting mine on you, yeah, you

Ciao adios, I'm done

When you’re done people are clapping and cheering and you look to your friends to see them all smiling. You look at everyone and make a little mock bow and when you straighten you see Loki sitting on the same couch as before. But this time he’s looking at you and he’s laughing, not smiling and cheering but actually laughing.

You look back at your friends and say “Thank you, thank you” with a smile on your face. You continue , “I wanted to dedicate this song to my boyfriend Steve” you point at him.

“In case it wasn’t clear enough, i wanted to tell you that i saw you with Sharon”. You could hear a pin drop. No one was talking and all eyes were on you. This is what you wanted, to humiliate him as much as he did you. And what better way to do it than publicly? Oh but you weren’t done.

You could see Steve's face going pale and nobody knew where to look, if at you or at him. Tony look ready to murder him as did Rhody, Pepper, Peter and Bruce. Thor, Clint and Vision looked shocked. But Bucky, Sam, Nat and Wanda looked guilty.

Your heart breaks a little more when you realize they knew. You can’t really blame Bucky and Sam for not telling you, they were Steve's friends after all. But you thought the girls were your friends, that they would have told you. Apparently you overestimated that friendship.

You keep on smiling and continue “So… I’m breaking up with you. Hope she was a good fuck and wasn’t uncomfortable with the fact that you were once in love with her aunt”. You do a dramatic pause and make a little disgusted face. “Anyway, if I’m lucky i´ll never see you again. Have a great life!”

And with that, you walk off the stage and make your way to your friends. Steve is rooted to the spot and his face is red with embarrassment. You walk up to him, look him straight in the eye and give him an evil smile. He gulps and opens his mouth as if he’s about to say something and then closes it. He does is two more times and still nothing comes out.

You turn to your group and look at Wand and Nat, who can’t seem to be able to look you in the eye. You sigh and say: “Who want enemies when they can have you as their best friends right?”. They look up then and start talking. Telling you how sorry they are and to please forgive them. You raise your hand to silence them and they do.

You go to your aunt and uncle who look like there should be smoke coming out of their ears and say: “I’m gonna stay in a hotel for the night, can’t stand to be here anymore”. Tony scrunches his eyebrows and look at you like you’re crazy.

“Hell no. You’re staying here. We can find him another room to sleep in but you’re not leaving. If anyone’s leaving is Mr. Star-spangled over there” he practically screams the last part as he points at Steve.

You take a deep breath and hug him. It takes him by surprise but he puts his arms around you. “I appreciate it uncle Tony but i can’t stay at the compound, it just hurts too much” you say as you let go. Turning to your aunt you hug her as well and say: “Thank you for everything but I quit”.

The moment those words leave your mouth everyone starts talking at the same time telling you how crazy you are and to think about it. You just smile at them and tell them you already made up your mind. “I'm gonna go pack a bag and ask Happy to take me to a hotel nearby. Please make sure he doesn’t follow” you say as you point to a still red-faced Captain America.

With that you turn around and leave. The room is silent for a few seconds before you hear your friends all screaming at Steve. You look around for a second and notice that Loki is staring at you with a smirk on his face. When you look him in the eye he raises his glass at you ant takes a sip.

You give him a small smile and walk through the doors towards the elevator.

#steve rogers x reader #captain america x reader #steve rogers imagine #captain america imagine #avengers #avengers imagine #loki x reader #loki imagine #tony stark #steve rogers x y/n #captain america x y/n #steve rogers fanfiction

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djmarinizelablog · 3 years

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Ultimate Bonding Experience

Summary:

Hange and Moblit follow Levi and Petra on a date. It's a disaster.

Tags:

one-shot, fluff and humor, nonbinary Hange, they/them pronouns for Hange, officemates, best friends forever, friends to lovers, jealous Hange

Notes:

This is for the Levihan Filo Week Day 4 Prompt, Tourist Destinations, featuring Greenbelt, Makati (Yes, the audacity of me.)

—

"You're going out on a date with Petra?” Hange stood up too quickly, knocking down the pen holder on their office desk in process. “As in… Petra Rall? From the Marketing Department? As in, sweet-as-candy, honey-bunny, gorgeous glam girl Petra?”

Levi swiveled his computer chair to face his best friend. "She asked me out."

"Hmm. And you didn't say no?" Hange was absentmindedly tapping the end of the pencil against their lower lip.

He gave a half-shrug. "Wanted to try something new for a change."

This was really new. Hange was incredulous. Levi never went on dates. Levi went on food trips and grocery shopping and karaoke nights (mainly due to Hange’s persistent nagging), but he never agreed to a date. There were always other people around whenever they hung out. The two of them had been best friends since college, and now as colleagues, Hange could tell from the numerous awkward and sort-of romantic encounters with Levi that Petra wasn't exactly his type.

"Is this a joke? Is this for a dare?" Hange kept prodding. They would bombard him with questions nonstop until he gave in. “Did you hit your head somewhere? Are you dying?”

"No, I just told you, Four-Eyes, I wanted to try something new.” Levi returned to his work and continued typing on his computer. “She said she already has planned something for tomorrow."

"This isn't you, Levi. You don't like itineraries," Hange said, sitting down to compose themself, gripping the pencil in their hand and holding it too tightly against the notepad.

"Maybe it's about time I do."

“So you’re choosing her over me?” Hange was already upset. Their hand was already shaking at this point, the tip of their pencil threatening to break. Levi would usually hang out with them to binge-watch a show or series on Saturdays over pizza and cheap beer, which reminded her, “What about our UBE?”

“Our—what?” He looked over his shoulder, confused.

Hange gave him a hopeful smile, hand still resting on the paper. “Our Ultimate Bonding... Experience?”

Levi glued his eyes to his computer screen once more. “You can Netflix and chill on your own for one night.”

The pencil snapped in half.

—

It was only 6 pm and Hange had already downed half a bucket of beers this Friday evening. Tomorrow morning, Levi would meet up with Petra somewhere for their date, maybe have lunch, a movie, some hand-holding and kissing, and then the two would possibly end it up with a bang. Something was really boiling deep inside Hange as these imagined scenes flashed through their mind.

And Erwin had to bear with them for tonight.

"I just don't understand, 'Win," Hange started, "Why would he do this? Why would he trade our pizza night for a girl he can't even relate to?"

Erwin was Hange and Levi's colleague in the same department before he got promoted to an executive position in corporate. Times like this, he would lend an ear to his friends' complaints and act as some sort of a part-time counselor, part-time therapist, and full-time drinking buddy.

Hange should be thankful Erwin had never charged them for these sessions before, but now with all of their whining, he was probably regretting that he gave them for free.

"Last I checked, you guys are just best buddies," Erwin commented. "Have you ever told him how much he means to you?"

Hange pouted.

"I'll take that as a no," Erwin said.

Their friend had a point.

"I can imagine it already, " Hange mused, eyes already watery, "I can imagine him walking down the aisle with pretty-face Petra and making babies with her, while I end up becoming that unknown relative who sends them presents for Christmas every year."

"Ah, I can imagine all the regrets you'll be having for the rest of your life."

Hange grabbed a fistful of hair in both hands. "What do I do now? I want Levi to be happy, I really do. I want to see him be happy, even if it's not with me. But why am I getting all riled up about this?"

"Then follow him," Erwin simply said as he wiped the beer of his mouth with his sleeve. "Follow him to the ends of the earth. Maybe you'll see for yourself."

Erwin had meant it as a figurative speech. When he said follow, he meant Hange supporting Levi all the way through. He never meant Hange stalking their best friend on his date.

Obviously, Hange had gotten it all wrong, because now they just blinked once, twice, a grin forming on their face. As if an epiphany had appeared before them. "Hmm. You're right."

Follow him.

This could be the greatest thing that Erwin Smith had ever come up with. Brilliant idea. Superb, even. One-of-a-kind strategy by none other than the genius Erwin Smith—oh, yes, yes, yes.

Erwin was still finishing up his beer when Hange tackled him into a hug out of gratitude, their smile wider than before. "You really are the best of the best, you know that?" They told him. This could work, Hange thought.

The plan was to follow Levi, literally.

—

"Boss, why did you pay me a hundred bucks to follow them?"

Hange was wringing their hands together. "We’re doing this together, Moblit! I wanna see how Levi acts around this girl."

"That's it?" Poor Moblit couldn't believe what he's hearing.

"I just wanna make sure he's making a good impression!"

They’re both sitting in a cafe right across Levi’s apartment. He and Hange were dressed up in plain clothes with matching sunglasses and baseball caps. Moblit had no choice; Hange was going to strangle his neck if he declined.

Moblit rested his head against his palm. "Aren't you jealous?"

"Pffft, me? Jealous?" The sour look on Hange's face was enough to tell Moblit that they weren't fooling anybody. It was just Levi’s attitude towards the entire ordeal that was tearing Hange apart. “I’m sure I’m not being rude.”

Moblit scratched his head and sighed. Hange as a boss could be really demanding at times, but the two of them were also friends in real life, which is why he agreed to this. "I thought Petra was head over heels for Oluo?"

"I thought so, too."

"He's dense, though," Moblit said. "Maybe this was just a ruse to get Oluo to confess?"

But Hange was already distracted by the sight of Levi coming out of the building.

"Ooh, he's leaving." Hange pointed towards the familiar figure. They then put their shades on as part of their undercover mission. "Let's go."

The two of them hid behind the fast food mascot of the big fat stupid ugly bee. Levi really knew how to dress up, Hange had noticed. He was wearing a plain button-up with dark pants, his hair neatly trimmed and his face cleanly shaven. He never dressed up like this whenever they hung out. It hurt Hange to see him this handsome. Levi then headed straight for the nearest station and waited for the next train to arrive. Hange and Moblit then took the same train but stayed on the other rail cart, catching a glimpse of Levi every now and then to make sure that he hadn't alighted by then.

“What would you do if they do end up together, Boss?” Moblit had to ask.

“I'd sign my life away as a single person for the rest of my years. Be an old cat person, maybe.”

The skyscrapers of Makati were passing them by, huge billboards left and right of commercial ads and government campaigns looming over them. If they looked far enough, they could see shanties and informal settlers nested in small alleys here and there. Hange had been seeing this for the past few years of their lives; Metro Manila could be daunting, but they wished they could spend away from the noisiness and busyness of the capital.

“He's getting out at Ayala Station, Boss!" Moblit pointed out. "They’re probably meeting somewhere in Greenbelt.”

“Ah, fancy-schmancy. Who could have known?”

Makati was the place only for the very rich, or for the very poor. There was no in between. Nobody dared to bat an eyelash at the rickety houses behind the skyscrapers. The shopping district and the high-end restaurants where affluent people would gather: celebrities, business executives, expatriates, anyone who could call themselves rich, rich, rich. Hange was none of those. Levi wasn't either, but he could easily pass off as one if he wanted to.

When they got off at the station, Hange and Moblit crouched behind the dumpster, craning their necks enough to get a glimpse of Levi coming up to Petra who stood waiting in front of the fountain.

“Ah, I’m so glad you’re here,” Petra said, her smile warm and happy as Levi walked alongside her. “Shall we?”

Petra was effortlessly gorgeous. She had her hair clipped into place, her slender figure matching the nice summer dress that she wore. She had also put on some light makeup, but even without it, Hange could tell that Petra would still be as breathtaking.

There really wasn't anything that Hange could hate about Petra Rall. Petra was attractive and alluring, sweet and shy, probably the ultimate dream girl of every person in their office. Hange would date Petra if she were even into them, provided the two of them had a spark.

But Hange's attention was all for Levi. Always had been. Always will be.

"Shall we, Boss?" Moblit interrupted Hange's train of thought.

"Right."

Tonight they felt that they had to accept the possibility of Levi ending up with someone else. Regardless of how this would end, Hange had decided they'd be there for him.

—

They didn't really blend in with this fancy-schmancy place. This was one of the most expensive fashion malls in the area; the price tags made broke people cry, and the restaurants were considered artisan for their taste. People were dressed up in crisp polos and cocktail dresses, the faint smell of perfume wafting here and there. The gardens had a beautiful landscape, stoned paths paving the way, and the lights were carefully draped on the trees around them, glowing like stars. It was a romantic setup for lovers.

Petra was pointing out all the different sights around the area, holding onto Levi's arm. Levi remained stiff all throughout their date, not even shedding a single ounce of emotion when Petra popped a joke. It ended up being a lousy one, though, since Levi didn't even scoff. Hange felt smug after that; their own jokes were terrible as well, but at least Levi would call them out for that.

"I think it's going well, don't you, Boss?" Hange's assistant teased.

“Oh, yeah, perfect, I can see how compatible they are.” Hange was being sarcastic.

Petra had chosen a place called People's Palace. It had a five-star rating on the internet, and even the cheapest item on the menu could break a whole in someone's wallet. There was no way they could eat there. Levi didn't even protest, though. He must have been saving up for this all along. Thankfully, the restaurant's walls were a solid transparent glass, and Hange could see the two of them from afar without having to go in.

Petra was saying something in a hushed tone when Levi came over to her side. He then put a hand on her face, tenderly brushing her cheek, as if he were about to go in for a kiss.

The moment Levi held Petra that close, Hange had to stifle their gasp which ended up like a strangled cry.

The sound made Levi look over his shoulder. Moblit had to cup his hand over Hange's mouth to shush them up, pulling them down behind the huge pots of plants.

"You alright?" Petra asked him, craning her neck towards the source of the sound as well. "What was that?"

Levi clicked his tongue. "Probably some lost bird. Well, more like a dying one."

The two went back to their meals and didn't bother to check if they were being followed. Moblit then let go of Hange and sighed in relief. They were safe, for now.

Everyone in the restaurant looked classy and elegant, soft lights all over the room. After Levi had paid for the meal (he didn't look too happy when he saw the check), he and Petra stood up and exited through the other door on the farthest end. Hange had forgotten about that. The People's Palace had an entryway connecting to the indoor gardens. They would have to enter the premise in order to follow Levi and Petra.

Without any further thought, Hange immediately stood up to barge into the restaurant, urging their assistant to follow. "They're probably confessing to each other in the gardens!" Hange was already right through the entrance. "Moblit, hurry up, I need to—"

"Boss, watch out!"

The warning came in too late. Hange had already knocked down a drink from the waiter's tray right behind them, the liquid spilling all onto the customer sitting nearest to where they were. The huge beefy man was furious, the steam already coming out of his reddened ears.

"Why, you, son-of-a-gun—"

Hange held up both hands in front of their face. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to!"

"Do you even belong here, you prick?" The stranger grabbed the front of Hange's oversized shirt. There were gasps from other customers, and one of the servers left to call the manager.

"Please, don't!"

The man started shaking Hange. "Filthy, pathetic, piece of—"

Somebody grabbed his wrist before he could even do anything else. "Let go."

It was Levi.

"And who the fuck are you?"

He was small, but his presence was intimidating, firm. "My friend already apologized. Isn't that enough?"

The stranger released his hold of Hange and held out the stained fabric. "Fucking pay for this shirt, asshole!"

Hange was mouthing 'sorry, sorry, sorry,' to him, their eyes filled with apology. Levi didn't bat an eyelash. Instead, he quickly took out twenty bucks from his wallet and shoved it into the huge man's hand. He then grabbed his friend by the elbow. "Hange, come on."

"Hey, this isn't enough, shortstack," the stranger grumbled, crumpling the bill. He gestured once more to his stained shirt. "Do you know how much I bought this for?"

"You could buy a similar one from one of the thrift stores downtown for less than half the price. I doubt anybody would notice." He tugged at Hange again and headed for the exit.

"What did you say, you little—"

They were out of the restaurant before the man could even finish. The manager had kept the customer in his seat, trying to console him with a discounted coupon.

Outside was a breath of fresh air, the coolness of it enough to clear their minds.

“You alright?”

Hange was still trembling. Their lips quivered, too. They had never been roughly-held like that before. Levi calmed them down by rubbing their back, urging them to take slow, steady breaths.

"Levi?" Petra called after the two of them. "Are we still heading to the movie?"

Hange had feared this all along. They didn't want to ruin his date with Petra; they merely wanted to see Levi, and now they had done it. Hange held their own face in both hands. Levi saw it and knew what he had to do.

“I’m sorry, Petra, but we should probably call it off at this point.”

"Should we re-sched?"

Levi paused before responding. "I had a good time tonight, Petra. But I think... once is enough.

“Oh. Okay.” Petra stood still for a moment, disappointed. They expected her to cause a scene, to thrash at him or at Hange, and then complain about her evening. But to Petra's credit, she merely broke into a smile and said, "Thanks for giving me a chance, Levi. I had a good time, too. You guys enjoy the rest of the night."

The huge beefy man suddenly burst out of the glass door, the restaurant manager no longer able to hold him back. "You fucking punks, I'm going to call the police—"

Hange hid behind Levi out of instinct, which didn't make any sense, considering that he was a couple inches shorter than them. "What now?" Their hand was still in his.

"Go ahead, Petra's safe with me," Moblit assured them. "I'll text you guys once we get home safely."

Levi nodded and took off with Hange.

They ran past the gardens, past the expensive shops, past the fountains and the bright lights. Everything seemed like a blur. Hange's senses had overloaded their brain at this point, especially since Levi's hand was still holding on to theirs. It was warm. They never expected any of these to happen. Levi would look over his shoulder once in a while to see if Hange could still keep up. They ran as fast as their legs could carry them, and with every tug of their hand, Hange felt like they were living in a dream. The two of them had already reached the station, heavily panting as they clutched their chest.

"So much for trailing me all this time, Four-Eyes," Levi heaved. He knew.

Hange was beyond apologetic. "I'm sorry, okay! I just wanted to see how you'd act around someone while on a date."

Levi made another scoffing sound. For a minute, Hange thought he was mad. But the intensity in his eyes was full of longing, like somehow, he did want Hange to follow him. And then Levi sighed. "Erwin told me you might be spying; my suspicions were confirmed when I saw you hiding behind the plants."

“Oh.” Hange had nothing else to say. “Well, then, I, uhm, I should probably head home. Sorry for ruining your date."

They were about to leave when Levi held their hand once again, stopping Hange in their tracks. "Where do you want to go?" he asked.

"Huh?"

"You already ruined my date, so you might as well hang out with me for the rest of the night."

Hange couldn't believe what they were hearing. It was almost too good to be true. But the reality dawned upon them; they were still in Makati, and they couldn’t really afford any of these places. "Uh… well, I don't really have any money, and I'm not really sure I want to dine here…"

"It's fine,” Levi said. “I know a place to go."

-------

Part 2 coming up soon!

#levihan #aot #snk #shingeki no kyojin #attack on titan #levi ackerman #captain levi #levi attack on titan #hange zoe #hanji zoe #fanfic #fanfiction #greenbelt makati #mine #writing #djmarinizela

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ttttaehyungie · 4 years

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sincerely, but no longer yours | chapter 5

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sincerely, but no longer yours | ex!kim namjoon x reader

genre | angst, smut, exes au

summary | It started as a coping mechanism as getting the words out provided a form of catharsis. But now you can’t stop writing these love letters, even with the knowledge that they’ll never get sent. After all, who writes love letters to their ex?

word count | 5.2k

chapter rating | 18+

warnings | angst, smut (but it’s angsty smut lksjdflk help), nipple play, dry humping, alcohol consumption, someee intense jealousy

a/n | FIRST OF ALL im so sorry this is so incredibly late lskjdflkjs life has been extremely busy for me 😪 but it’s here!!!! thank you to everybuddy who’s been waiting patiently for this 🤧🤧 but i think this is one of the most angsty chapters of the series soooo 🙃

Namjoon’s an expert at avoiding uncomfortable topics, even if they’re massively serious. It’s something you absolutely hated and it was the cause of many arguments in your previous relationship, and perhaps was even the ultimate cause of your breakup.

But right now, you’re really beginning to understand the appeal.

The first time he swung by the museum for lunch after his birthday celebration - a paper bag in hand filled with bagels still warm and toasty from the store on the corner that you adore - you were caught entirely off guard.

Your mind jumps to the unread messages sitting in your texts and you regret ignoring them. Not because the guilt had hit you, but because maybe if you had been contactable, you would have received a heads-up that he was coming by.

Some might call it selfish, but you prefer to call it self-preservation.

To be fair, it’s not like you were going to leave them unanswered forever. You just needed space to collect your thoughts and make sense of your confusing emotions first, lest you begin the conversation prematurely and drag Namjoon down into the dizzying depths of your current state. As it is right now, your thoughts are like nodes floating in a decontextualized void, the web still unformed because you haven’t had the time to grapple with everything yet.

But here he is, inspecting the cross-section of each bagel Soo-eun pulls out of the bag, trying to identify which is which. Yeri’s at his side, gushing about how great the bagels from this place are. The three of them are crowded around the paper bag that sits on the wooden bench, the paint peeling from the way it’s been bleached by the sun in the museum’s outdoor area. Here he is at your workplace. With your friends. You can’t ignore him now, not without rousing your friends’ suspicion.

But what you can ignore is the issue.

It’s not the time nor the place to talk about this anyway. The atmosphere is warm and light, carrying traces of last night’s celebratory mood. The lunch treat is Namjoon’s way of appreciating the surprise you guys organized for him last night. And there’s a bagel stuffed full of salty sweet ham and sticky melty cheese waiting for you to sink your teeth into. Really not the time for serious conversations at all.

So when Namjoon’s eyes search yours, all wide and probing, as you step in to grab your share, you simply smile and thank him, before slinking away to join Soo-eun on the next bench. Not too far - barely five steps away - but far enough that it gives you space to breathe. Even if Namjoon notices your attempts at escaping, he doesn’t have time to call you out on it. Not when you slyly shoot Yeri a wink. Seamlessly, she catches the cue and sits herself down on the bench, tugging at his arm. For once, you welcome Yeri flirting with Namjoon.

“Let’s eat! I’m starving,” she says.

You don’t miss the way Namjoon’s gaze flickers between you and Yeri, but you ignore it and take a generous bite of the bagel in your hands.

“Mm, so good,” you say, and turn to Soo-eun. “Don’t you miss the days before this place got really popular?”

“No, because you and Yeri insisted on going there every day. I can only ingest so many bagels a week.”

“____ hasn’t changed one bit.” Namjoon chuckles. “This time in middle school, she ate tater tots every single day for three weeks straight. She had to be banned for a week.”

“Are you weaponizing my middle school past against me?” you ask amidst your friends’ laughter. “Too bad. I don’t regret it for a second. Tater tots are too delicious to regret.”

Lunch falls back into the easy rhythm of lighthearted jibes, the kitchen debacle receding for now.

Procrastination is a real bitch of a habit to kick. As soon as one reason to put it off expires, your brain churns out another two in its place like a modern-day Hydra.

As for Namjoon? Well, you’re not surprised when he makes no moves to initiate the difficult conversation. After all, you’re adopting his bad habit.

Eventually it gets to the point where you might as well not talk about it at all. Everything’s going fine so far without it. Or as fine as it can be with this beast looming in the backdrop.

You know you need to just get this damn conversation over with. But you can’t. Not till you figure out what exactly is going on with your emotions. Without it, there’s no way you can cauterize the wounds and invalidate your excuses for what they are -- excuses.

It’s not that you haven’t tried. But it’s presenting itself as a real Herculean effort. Mulling it over has you tossing and turning in bed, only leaving you with a headache and a steadily growing desperation. It’s desperation enough that you leave the comfortable warmth of your bed to sit at your desk, shivering as you pen the familiar words once again.

Dear Namjoon,

The words flow in their usual, unrestricted manner. Before, it had been like a dam breaking, the tight restraint that was normally kept on your emotions finally released and the wave of emotions gushing out till it reached a peaceful equilibrium. But now, your emotions are just a whirlpool and your words you pen mimic its spiralling, chasing your thoughts in endless loops.

You’re not over him. But so what? It’s not like getting together is an option. Not when he hasn’t grown out of one of the major things that caused the end of your previous relationship. And not when you haven’t even talked that out, if you ever will.

So what can you do now? Kicking him out of your life will mean having to deal with the loss that his absence will bring again. Going back to pretending the other doesn’t exist will mean dancing around each other again every time you bump into each other in this too small city. And with the way your social circles are intertwined now, that would mean a bunch of explaining to do.

But having him close yet holding him at arm’s length? Walking the narrow margin that is being friends with your ex? A misstep in either direction would be torturous but inevitable - too close and it’s alarming, but too far and it’s a painful reminder that he’s not yours.

Far from the illuminating effect you were hoping it would have, your letter to Namjoon only leaves you deeper in confusion. You throw your pen down. Giving up, you fold the paper up. Sealing the letter in an envelope doesn’t bring the same sense of relief it did before. The Hydra remains unslain.

And so the problem gets shoved away - the same treatment the letter gets as it’s roughly tossed into the desk drawer - into the same corner of the recesses of your mind that your breakup resides in.

You know that Namjoon’s confused. Heck, you are too. It’s a strange dance the two of you are involved in, caught between the compulsion to continue yet knowing the risks it bears. Neither of you are bold enough to take the lead. And so this strange stasis drags on as it has for weeks now.

It’s as if the kiss unearthed something in him. Actually no, it’s unearthed something in both of you. And the tension - the fucking tension - is unreal. The tells are so obvious that you wonder how neither Yeri nor Soo-eun have said anything about it yet. There’s certainly no subtlety in the way his eyes linger on your lips in the middle of conversations that you wonder if he’s even aware he’s doing it.

And when it’s just the two of you? It’s infinitely worse.

It’s hard to blame him. Touch has always been your love language and Namjoon knows it. Physical touch wasn’t just a thing of your previous two-year relationship. It was a thing of your decades of friendship too, the little touches so casual and almost subconscious. Rekindling your friendship without them had taken intentional effort.

You’re not sure who started it. Maybe both of you just fell back into it, the casual little touches slipping their way back in. But what’s not casual at all is the way your heartbeat goes erratic at the most simple of gestures. The way he blithely sweeps the crumbs from your lunch off your lap. The slightly too long side-hug he holds you in, the warmth of his arm around you permeating through the layers you wear and has you simultaneously freezing up while also turning your insides to goo. But it isn’t overtly romantic either.

At least, that’s the excuse you give yourself when the comfort of his touch gets too tempting and you end up succumbing to it. The familiarity of it all makes you feel like you’ve finally arrived home. As if you’ve been on this long, arduous journey and you’re finally here. You get to drop the heavy backpack and rest now.

But the voice of rationality in you tells you this wrong wrong wrong. You’ve got to get out of here.

And that’s how you end up here. White-knuckled grip tight on the edges of the sink as you stare yourself dead in the eyes in the bathroom mirror. The music outside thumps away albeit muted through the door to the ladies’. But the way your heart thumps has nothing to do with that.

Even without shifting your gaze, you can tell that your cheeks are slightly reddened and warm. You can feel it tingling. No, you don’t shift your gaze. It stays fixed on the intense stare that your reflection throws back at you like a challenge, the ferocity of it enhanced by the sharp eyeliner you’re wearing tonight, an uncharacteristic look for you.

Heck, this whole night is uncharacteristic.

You could take the easy route and blame it on Yeri. God knows she can be real persuasive - it’s why she’s excellent at her job. So getting you all out to the club on a Friday night to celebrate nothing other than the simple joy that - c’mon guys, we’re all young and alive and free and tell me that’s not worth celebrating and I’ll fucking fistfight you right here and now even with my freshly manicured nails - is no feat for her.

Still, no one really expected your simple reply, tone nonchalant and eyes still glued to your work screen, “Yeah, I could use a night out.”

Soo-eun had remained silent but you could feel her stiffen slightly beside you. Yeri had been surprised too but more elated that she didn’t have to get through your usual ten solid minutes of whining and half-baked attempts at slithering your way out of it.

But back to the present. Your bodycon dress - one of the rare pieces that survived not just your college partying days but also the wardrobe purge that occurred when you had to downsize everything to fit into the tiny apartment that’s quintessential to city-living - expands with your chest as you take a deep breath. Gripping the hem where it sits mid-thigh, you yank it down slightly. It’s been a while since you’ve worn this dress. And while the younger, more risque version of you that was your college self had been enthralled by the daringness of the dress, your current self has to dig deep to muster up that same boldness.

Relenting as you realize that this is the limit to how much you can stretch the length of your dress, you let go and your fingertips unintentionally brush your thigh as it falls back to your side. It elicits a shudder, the sensation of your own fingers too close to the electrifying feeling of someone’s thumb skimming across it. It was electrifying enough that your brain finally powered up again, voice of rationality sending you skedaddling away, out of reach of his touch, and pathetically seeking refuge in the washroom.

You roll your shoulders back and shake your head, dispelling the thoughts. Standing upright, you look yourself in the eye again. You can do this. You’re going to go out there, and you’re going to have a good time with your friends. You’re going to have a good time with Namjoon. With a nod of affirmation, you turn and saunter your way back to the club with a confidence that has your chin firmly tipped upwards.

You push the door open and look for your friends. The sight that greets you immediately punctures your confidence and your steady posture falls limp.

It’s hard to miss her silvery dress - the dress you knew she would wear and the dress that your very own was meant to counter. It catches the light and grabs attention. And at this moment, it grabs your attention so you can witness Yeri standing between Namjoon’s manspread thighs as he’s perched on the barstool, her hands all over him.

Whatever puffed up confidence you’d had is knocked out of you with that sucker punch of a sight. You turn away, needing to look anywhere but at them.

And that’s when your line of sight falls on a curly-haired man, oddly familiar, and apparently someone you know since he’s waving to you.

“____, hey!” he yells over the music.

“Dong-In?”

He nods and smiles at you. “It’s been a while.”

“Wait.” You gasp. “I was supposed to get back to you on brunch, wasn’t I?” Damn. You’ve been so wrapped up with Namjoon that you totally forgot about Dong-In. “I’m so sorry, I’ve been really caught up with things.”

“It’s no biggie.” He shrugs boyishly. “The exhibition, right?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Sure, the exhibition. Let’s go with that.

“And nothing to do with…” he directs his gaze - and yours along with it - to none other than Namjoon who’s now drinking with Yeri.

Your gaze snaps back to Dong-In and his cheshire grin.

“Nah,” you feign a laugh. “He’s just a friend.”

“The hand he had on you sure didn’t look like just friends.”

“I said we’re just friends,” you snap, then gasp, taken aback by your own outburst. “Fuck, I’m sorry.”

“Nah, I should be the one apologizing. I hit a nerve there, didn’t I. D’you wanna talk about it?” His voice is warm and mellow and oh so inviting. And you very nearly give in.

But you can’t pull him into your problems. It’s not his burden to bear.

“Not really. But thanks, Dong-In.”

“That’s cool.” He nods, and relief fills you. This is what you’ve always liked about Dong-In. He’s chill. “Well since we’re here, wanna get buzzed?”

You laugh. “I won’t say no to that.”

The bar isn’t too far from where you are, and it doesn’t take long before the burn of alcohol is sliding down your throat. Picking up the conversation again, you have to admit, you’d forgotten how easy it is to talk to Dong-In. He’s got that effortless charisma and an easy sense of humor that you can vibe with. Things are simple with him. There’s no line to be tiptoed. Flirting - now that you’re no longer obtuse and you’re finally aware that he is indeed flirting with you - isn’t accompanied by guilt or fear.

And after weeks of this complicated situation with Namjoon, simplicity is what you crave.

“Hey, do you wanna dance?” you ask suddenly. Surprise colors his features for a moment but he laughs it off.

“Is the conversation boring you? You could have just told me to shut up if you wanted me to,” he jokes.

“No!” You laugh. “There’s just a good beat going and-”

“I’m just kidding. I’d love to.” He smiles and grabs your hand.

The two of you weave your way through the mass of gyrating bodies. Lightly buzzed, the fog and the strobe lights blurring everything around you other than your dance partner, you finally find the courage you’ve been searching for this whole time. Dong-In hasn’t been very subtle about checking you out all night, and it gives you that extra boost of confidence that’s finally quelled the antsy thoughts and calmed the fidgety adjustments to your dress’s hemline.

So when his hands find your waist, you step in a little closer and run your hands through your hair, shaking it out and finally letting loose as your hips rock to the pounding beat. Dancing with Dong-In is much like conversing with him- easy and simple fun with just the slightest tinge of excitement. As your hips sway together in languid synchrony, you catch a whiff of the slightly intoxicating combination of his cologne and the undertones of his own natural scent. You give in to the giddying sensation of his hands running lightly over your body and press in closer, eyes fluttering shut, and just feeling. It’s thrilling. It’s risque. It’s-

A solid grip on your wrist yanks you forward and stumbling into a hard chest.

His voice is gruff as he bites out his words, “Get your hands off her.”

“Namjoon?” you gape.

“We’re leaving.” His eyes fix on yours, steely and piercing. A shiver runs down your spine - in all your years of knowing him, you’ve never seen him like this. He tugs on your wrist once more. “Now.”

Dazed by this brand new persona, you don’t even get to say goodbye to Dong-In, just pulled along by the force that is a quietly fuming Namjoon. Everything happens so quickly that it’s all a blur until you’re in the Uber with him, silently clutching onto your purse as an anchor in this sudden whirlwind of events. The anger emanates off of him even in the dimly lit backseat.

“What the fuck?” you whisper, but the shock diminishes the level of conviction in your voice.

He turns to you, the same hardness still in his gaze. “I should be the one asking that.”

“What?!” you snap. In your peripheral vision, you see the Uber driver jump slightly. Lowering your tone, you hiss, “What gives you the right?”

“What gives me the right?” he echoes incredulously, scoffing and turning away from you to face forward instead as he rolls his eyes. “This is ridiculous.”

The car slows to a stop and you recognize your apartment building. You scramble to get away from him. But it seems your confrontation is far from over. Namjoon unbuckles his own seatbelt to follow you.

Terse silence sits between you, the aggravated stomping of your feet as you climb the stairs the only thing that fills the sound.

You turn sharply round the corner, stalking off to your apartment door. “You don’t have to escort me y’know, I’m perfectly capable of getting home by myself.”

“Really?” He folds his arms and leans on the wall next to your door. “It’s hard to trust you when you go off getting drunk and throwing yourself at a random stranger in the club.”

“Is that what the problem is?” You finally ram the key in, and the click as it unlocks is as harsh as your tone. “Sorry to break it to you, but I have a life apart from you. He’s no stranger. His name is Dong-In, he’s Yeri’s friend, and he’s a great guy.”

You shove the door open. Your heels get kicked off and left haphazardly at the entryway, shoe cabinet ignored.

“Wow, some great guy he is,” Namjoon slams the door shut and his shoes get discarded off his feet in the same fashion, “drunkenly feeling you up in a club.”

“Fuck!” You turn, wringing your hands in your hair. Your glares rival each other. “You say it as if I was strung along by him. Well I wasn’t. I initiated it.”

His glare flickers for a moment. He stays silent.

“Just admit that you’re jealous,” you whisper. You unsling your purse and dump it on top of the shoe cabinet, never breaking eye contact.

“Fine.” Namjoon’s gaze doesn’t waver. “I am.”

He skulks forward and traps you between him and the cabinet, gaze holding yours. Namjoon’s always towered over you, but at the moment it isn’t his height that makes you feel tiny.

“Watching his hands all over you like this,” Namjoon’s hands slowly skim the back of your thighs and up your sides and you bite back a whimper, “makes me jealous.”

“And watching you respond like this?” He continues as a firm hand presses the small of your back to close the gap between your torsos. “Glued to him like this? It makes me jealous.”

“You don’t own me,” you whisper but it only elicits a sardonic laugh from him.

“You say that, but you know damn well that’s not the truth. Tell me. Are you jealous?”

“What would I-”

“Yeri.” Damn. Straight through the bullshit. With an eyebrow cocked, it’s obvious he knows the answer and he’s not budging, not even an inch.

“Yes,” you admit quietly. “I’m jealous.”

“Silly girl.” He traces the hemline of your dress. “I only want you.”

A soft keening noise spills out of you. “I’m so sick of holding back.” You tug on his dress shirt, and the feel of his plush lips finally, finally meeting yours snips the final frayed cords of self-restraint you possessed.

Namjoon is quick to reciprocate, and you moan as his tongue licks at your bottom lip. Hooking your arms around his neck, you pull him closer, needing nothing else but to have him close after all this time of distance. He hoists you up, and your legs circle his waist to aid him. The world around you sets into motion as he walks you to your bed, and you anchor yourself by pressing kisses to his neck.

With how tiny your apartment is, it takes no time for him to carry you from the entryway to your bedroom. The cool sensation of your unmade sheets envelops you as he lowers you down onto the bed. He barely gets a moment to appreciate the sight of you, hair mussed and lipstick smudged, lounging on the bed and waiting for him. Desperate for his touch and running out of patience, you gesture to the zip on the side of your dress. Hurrying, he pulls the zipper down as you tug your arms out of the thin straps of the garment. You sit up and let the torso of the dress fall to bunch up at your waist, revealing your bare chest to him.

The quiet gasp that escapes him as he beholds you is infinitely flattering. It’s but a momentary pause. He dives forward into action again. An arm looped around your back to support you as your chest arches upwards, he crouches over you to take one perked-up tit into the heat of his mouth, his free hand coming up to toy with the other. His tongue laves over your nipple in a slippery flick. The other gets pinched and rolled, leaving you gasping at the delicious sensations.

“Namjoon,” you moan out breathily, and it only eggs him on. You whimper as he begins sucking on the bud and wetness pools between your thighs. Your fingernails rake down his back, muted through the layer of his dress shirt.

“M-more,” you plead. He releases your breast and moves his mouth upwards, trailing gentle pecks till he kisses along the length of your collarbone.

“Come here,” he commands, his words breathy and hot as they puff against the thin skin of your clavicle. He scoots back to lean against the headboard, and you follow hastily.

You clamber on top of him, knees bent and straddling his lap as he helps you hike the skirt of your dress up. But before you seat yourself atop the prominent bulge in the lightwash denim of his jeans, he holds you still with a firm grasp on your hip.

His thumb trails the lace detail of your panties, the patterns snaking across your hip bone, baby pink like your dress.

“Gorgeous,” he mumbles. His fingers wander to your clothed core, the material slightly sheer from the damp spot of your arousal. He strokes it tenderly with the pad of his finger, so light that it has you quivering as you hover above him.

His fingernail grazes your slit through the wet material and a gasp catches in your throat. You clench around nothing as carnal desire throbs through your core.

“Namjoon, please,” you whine.

Finally, he gives in to you and pulls you down. Your laced core meets his rough denim-clad one. The stiff material of his jeans pokes through the delicate fabric of your underwear, the friction rough as he drags you over his clothed bulge. The burn is delicious. His hands on you set a slow but steady rhythm that you follow easily, canting your hips in time. It’s enrapturing to watch the way you grind on one another, your clit rubbing up on the apex of his bulge in mutual pleasure.

A finger tips your chin up from the sight you were fixated on.

“Eyes on me.”

It’s difficult. Pleasure has your eyes drooping shut. But the intensity of his gaze compellingly holds yours and you manage, even if barely. His expression is stoic, and it’s only the twitch of his dick that betrays how affected he is. You, on the other hand, are completely abandoned to pleasure. Hands scrabbling across his upper back and up until they settle themselves as fists gripping tufts of his hair, teeth clamped on your bottom lip as moans spill out of you at increasing frequency as your pleasure climbs and climbs and climbs until-

Burrowing your face into the side of his neck, you pant as you cross the peak. Hips now stilled, your climax has you throbbing against his hardened member. You cling onto him with your arms around his neck as you free-fall in the subsiding pleasure. Bare chest brushing against the smooth material of his dress shirt, you catch your breath and yield to the moment.

“Shit,” he mutters. “Shit.” Louder this time. “Shit, shit, shit.”

The regret in his words yank you out of the heady fog of lust. There’s no time to bask in the afterglow. Reality comes crashing down hard and mercilessly.

Suddenly, you feel so small and so exposed. You read his regret as rejection. Your nudity and previous salacious actions make you feel stupid.

Namjoon attempts to extricate your arms from around him, but shame has you clutching to him tighter, hiding your face in his neck. You can still feel him under you, but it’s now an uncomfortable reminder of the act you just committed.

“Hey,” his voice is gentle now, pleading, “look at me? Please?”

You refuse. It’s impossible to look him in the eye right now.

“Fuck.” Even whispered, the panic laced in his tone is blatant. Gently, he maneuvers both of you to turn over. Feeling the mattress underneath you as you’re laid on your back, you release your hold on him and swiftly turn and tug your blanket up to hide away from him.

“____.” He tries. You grip the sheets even tighter as you feel him trying to pull it away from your face. “Please.”

Embarrassment. Guilt. Mortification. They overtake you and you curl in on yourself. You just want to disappear.

“____,” he tries again, hand stroking your head. But you don’t allow yourself to succumb to its comfort. “Talk to me. Please.”

Oh, now he wants to talk.

Why couldn’t you have just talked things out earlier? Why only now when things have fallen apart? Why now when you’ve just done something so stupid and so reckless?

Why now when it’s too late? What can talking possibly do to fix this now?

His pleas are met with silence.

“I’m gonna get you some water,” he says resignedly.

More silence. He sighs. You feel the mattress shift as he gets up. From where you’re still hiding in the stuffy darkness underneath your blanket, you hear his footsteps return and the muted thud of the glass getting placed on your bedside table.

The silence returns, but you can feel his presence. You imagine he’s staring at your blanket lump on the bed.

Finally, the heavy quietness is broken with a deep breath, and you hear him say softly, “Get a good night’s rest, okay? Let’s talk about this tomorrow.”

The light clicks off and you’re plunged into lonely pitch-black darkness. In the distance, you hear the heavy opening and closing of your front door as Namjoon leaves.

Unearthing yourself to the coolness of the night, your dress an uncomfortable lump around your waist, your breasts slightly sore from his previous ministrations, you stare up at the ceiling as hot tears leak out.

It’s well into the afternoon by the time you drag yourself out of bed the next day. Sleep came intermittently and was far from restful, but waking up meant facing the nightmarish reality of what had transpired. So you hid under the covers for as long as you could. But you know you can’t stay there forever.

The buzzing notifications of your phone had woken you up on more than one occasion in the night. But you ignore it and leave your phone next to the glass of water - still untouched - in favor of washing up. It’s more pressing anyway, you surmise. You can feel your make-up, now icky and caked on your face. It’s awful. Your skin is probably revolting against you now and you don’t even want to think about the mess it probably left on your pillowcase. But last night, you were simply paralyzed by the weight of what you’d done, crying till sleep finally came for you.

You take your time going through an extensive skincare routine, even busting out the clay mask you had impulsively bought together with Yeri when it was on discount. You’re doing it because your skin needs the pampering and definitely not because you’re procrastinating getting to your phone.

But there’s only so many steps you can do with the limited skincare products in your apartment. And you know your friends are probably worried about your abrupt disappearance last night. Getting to those messages first, you quickly assure Soo-eun and Yeri that you’re safe at home. Looking at the remaining notifications, you sigh.

Missed calls Namjoon (8)

7 unread messages from 2 chats Namjoon: are you still sleeping? Namjoon: hey, you still asleep? Namjoon: text me when you’re up please? Namjoon: are you awake?

Dong-In: hey! Dong-In: not sure what exactly happened at the end there haha, but it was rly great seeing u again. Dong-In: i’m still waiting on that brunch reschedule, by the way.

Memories from last night come back to you. Dong-In runs his hands through his curls, an easy grin on his face as he leans in to listen to you over the loud music of the club. Things are simple with Dong-In. And, standing on the precipice of a mental spiral whenever you think of Namjoon, the same craving for simplicity from last night returns.

[2:06pm] ____: well it’s a little late for brunch right now

[2:06pm] ____: but you still up to grab a bite?

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yandere-wishes · 4 years

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Disney villains as Yanderes

These are yandere headcanons for Genderbent! Cruella de Ville, Genderbent! Ursula, Genderbent! Maleficent, Shan Yu, Hades, Humann!Scar and Human! Shere Khan. Also, try to imagine them the way they look in fanart rather than the Disney movies I find that helps a lot

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Cruella de Ville

Cruella is just the most sadistic yandere you'll ever meet, his treatment of his darling is only slightly better than his treatment of those poor pups. He keeps her chained up in his room, forcing her to wear the most decorative monochrome collar with the heaviest iron leash, limiting the poor darling's movement.

But his tournament is just beginning. For some sick, demented reason Cruella just loves to humiliate his "little puppy". He'll make you eat and drink from a bowl on the ground, make you sit at his feet begging to his attention if you want something. It's disgracing, soul-crushing even, but for him it's power! It shows that he controls all aspects of your meaningless life. It's the ultimate proof that YOU BELONG TO HIM.

"Little puppy what is it that you want?..."

There are days -few and scattered- where the wicked man can be almost called nice. He won't start treating you like a human being but more like the favorite pet instead of some runt. On these sacred days, he'll have you sit on his lap as he sketches out a new design, sometimes even drawing a cute dress or skirt for you to wear. On days where he's feeling generous, days where you've proved that you are indeed his sweet little pet. Cruella will take you to the outside world, a place your memory can just barely recall. The two of you will spend the day shopping through the luxury boutiques. The black and white-haired man will make you try on everything that catches his eye, he may be cruel but he's not unreasonable he always wants his cute puppy to look their best.

"...You better be ready to beg for it."

Ursula

Ursula is so so manipulative to the point where talking to him becomes an exhausting task. He's so good with words, twisted every single word until it better serves him. At the end of any conversation, you're left bewildered, trying to retrace your words to find just how you got here.

The sea witch had no need to kidnap his beloved darling all he had to do was speak. Through radiating words, he promises you all that your heart desires. He promises a straight forward easy contract but instead, you're given nothing but misery, locked away forever in his somber cave.

"You poor unfortunate soul tell me...."

Even if you do try and escape, Urusal will just send his lackeys to retrieve you, they are even given the pleasure of "toying" with you a bit. Leaving little nibble marks along your arms, drawing a bit of blood along the way but never anything too devastating no that pleasure is left for Urusal and Urusal alone.

The Cecelia's punishments are harsh, they aren't exactly painful...it's more the gut wrenching feeling of guilt and fear that Urusal is able to install in you that makes them particularly fearsome. No matter what you are being punished for, the end is always the same. Somehow cruel heartless Urusal is always the innocent victims while you are the ungrateful, conniving leech that is never satisfied. Poor Urusal just gives and gives wishing only a loving companion in return but what do you do? You run away! Throw a tantrum breaking some of his rare potions just because he was looking out for your safety and wouldn't let you go out. He should chop off your tail! Leave you on land to shrivel up and die!... Oh but he just can't bear losing his little lover! Maybe just for once, he'll just lock you up in a cage made from megalodon teeth, a tiny punishment for your huge crime!

"...Tell me what it is your heart desires?"

Maleficent

The dark fae is a rather caring protective, who is very lucid about the predicament of his relationship with his darling. He knows that they don't love him, he knows that he stole them away from their old life, he knows. But he's just so good at justifying his actions! He took you from the company of those humans because they are all corrupt! They hurt all that is pure in this world! It's just better if he keeps you locked up in his castle far away from those monsters!

Now unlike the majority of the Disney Villian, Maleficent isn't cruel or sadistic. The only reason he kidnapped his darling is to keep them safe! Why would he do anything that could jeopardize their happiness and safety! No, no Maleficent would never find amusement in your pain, never lay a hand on you cause you latched out. If ever the need arises where he had to punish you, then he'll lock you up in the dungeons. A couple of days alone in darkness will have you behaving like the sweet innocent lover that he wants!

"I love you (y/n)..."

At some point, after a great deal of time has passed from your kidnapping, Maleficent will grant you the freedom to roam around the castle. There is still the lingering rule for his darling to never step foot outside even when Maleficent is with them. But that -along with most things- is just a countermeasure to keep them safe!

".....No power on earth can change that!"

All in all, Maleficent is one of the better yandere to have, he's caring to the point where he seals every door and windows so nothing dangerous can get in, he's overprotective to the point of following you around everywhere, he's loving to the point where he's willing to submerge you in endless darkness just so you see his perspective! Yes! All so very loving! And very soon you will see it that way too.

Hades

The god of the underworld is a very bizarre mix, he's possessive, so very possessive that he probably killed you himself! Just so you could never leave him! But at the same time, he's very delusional, seeing your murder as less of a crime and more of a romantic gesture akin to marriage.

Hades' love for his darling is so sick and twisted that some may not even call it love! It's just pure mania! One minute the fiery god is cooing at you, complimenting how gorgeous you look in the black toga he got you. The next he's screaming, hair burning a staking red as he yells about how quiet and cold you're being! How you don't love him as much as he loves! Truth is Hades' doesn't want your love exactly, better yet he doesn't know what love is. He just wants you to be as obsessed with him as he is with you!

"Look (y/n) this whole relationship this is easy!...."

Hades' punishments are also very fierce. The lord of the dead gets offended quickly! The slightest offense can drive him into a mad rage!

He'll do practically anything to teach his darling a lesson, from burning them to disembodying them and then stitching them back together. The idea of inflicting pain is just so enjoyable to him! The thought that he has full control over how you feel! Oh, how he loves "playing" with you controlling your every move.

Eventually, Hades' darling will get so used to his temperamental moods and sadistic behavior that they just end up not caring. He's going to burn your right arm until it's limb? Okay, cool is that before or after your date to Skopelos? Oh, he's threatening to feed you to Cerberus? That's fine just don't forget I want Tomatokeftedes for dinner. Not much really fazes you at this point.

"You just got to make me the center of your world and ba-bing ba-boom we're an official couple!"

Scar

it's always blood and guts with him

always screams of agony and frustration

always his word above all else

always him

Scar is one of the worst yanderes, cause he can make pain feel like nostalgic, welcoming even. With only a few sugar-laced words he can turn your own mind against you. He's cruel and calculating never permitting you to do the smallest thing for yourself. If you want something you have bat your eyes and beg real nicely so he'll consider ordering someone to do it for you. It's such a rare, practically precious accurate if Scar ever decides to do anything even remotely nice for you. If ever he fetches you your or dress you or even toss you a gift. You will have to treasure those moments.

" Be prepared (y/n)..."

Everything is a quid pro quo with him, the black-haired man never does anything out of the kindness of his heart. He makes you thank him for the simplest of things like letting you eat, or giving you a bed to sleep in.

Despite how horribly Scar treats his darling he still expects them to love him unconditionally. He wants to be the only thing his darling thinks. In a rather twisted way, he really does try to prove that he loves you, even if it's though scratch marks that are just a little too deep to be considered "scratched" or love bites that draw too much blood. He does love you, you know he does!...or maybe it's all just a mind game.

"....For I shall always remain your king!"

Shan Yu

Shan Yu borders somewhere between protective and obsessive. he knows his darling can protect herself, they're strong, capable, but the truth of the matter is he doesn't want them to! He wants you to depend on him, to make him feel wanted. It's very likely that his darling is a soldier in his army (from what I've heard women from the Hun tribes could join the army) which permits him to start a "casual affair with them. It's nothing at first, a passe time between fleeting moments of peace. But it turns dark quickly when he notices them "flirting" with some other soldiers, touching them, smiling at them, things she should only be doing with him!

He doesn't so much kidnap his darling as "claim" them either through a straightforward declaration to his tropes or through "love marks" that he leaves over their body. It's a sudden kind of thing, one moment is preparing for battle-ready to strike down anyone that stands in their way the next they are being dragged to Shan Yu's tent and being told they aren't permitted to fight anymore!

"I tire of your arrogance, (y/n)..."

Shan Yu isn't exactly cruel per se...he's just a tad bit aggressive. He takes every tiny disobedience as a sign of rebellion! And he's more than willing to strangle the resistance out of you. He hates to punish you, hates to see you in any form of pain but how else is he going to get you to be his trusty loving darling?!

At some point, he'll let his darling on the battlefield, only for battles he knows for certain that his team will win. Shan Yu adores the way his darling gracefully swings their blade at anything in sight! Cutting enemies with practiced elegance and wearing their blood like a dress made from the finest silk.

"....You belong to me why can't you just accept that?"

Shere Khan

(Fun fact his name translates to "Lion King" in Persian. Shere being the direct translation of lion and Khan being a prefix (such as majesty) to a king or ruler. )

Shere Khan is a complex yandere and can't really be nailed to a specific "type" he's protective of his darling, willing to kill anyone that so much as looks at them wrong. On the other hand, he himself adores tormenting his darling. Sometimes it's just flirting, making them flustered, other times it's raking his claw-like nails over every inch of their body until they're a bloody mess. Then there's just how obsessed he is with his darling, how they infiltrate his mind every second of every day. Even when the poor man is asleep all they can think of his lover.

The important thing to remember about Shere Khan is that he doesn't mean any malice, he doesn't do what he does out of spite or hatred but rather for both love and "fun", he's a bit like a puppy that doesn't understand that biting his harmful and instead sees it as a game. "hurting" his lover is just claiming them, heck Khan will be thrilled if his darling left their own marks on his body.

"No matter how fast you run..."

Khan is a rather cold lover, never really showing you much of his emotions, he's secretive, quiet. But he makes up for that with the gift that he buys his darling. Khan insists that his darling always dresses in the most lavish, flowing dresses. They must always look their best, after all, he deserves only the best.

There are times when he'll be nicer towards his darling taking them out for walks or maybe even cuddling with them. He does love the feeling of warmth that his darling radiates. His favorite thing to do his lay down in the sun with his arms wrapped tightly around his lover and just drift off to sleep.

"..I Will always find you!"

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hesther-mcg · 3 years

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chained

➥ pairing: bucky barnes x f!reader

➥ summary: the one where two people are chained to one another, hopelessly in love but every bit of wrong for one another

➥ rating: angst, song fic, biker!bucky au

➥ warnings: explicit language, mentions of toxic relationship

➥ a/n: happy valentines day! in the name of irony i’m going to post this today, bc i can. this has been rattling around in my noggin for a bit now and i actually rlly like this. i hope u do too. i highly recommend listening to the song while reading, its also available on spotify.

chained :: elle king ft. cameron neal chained marvel m. list

We can run away, but we can’t hide for long

And all that lingers harms us

She’d tried it—moving houses, running away from the problems she was used to, changing things. She’d already tried it, and it had worked beautifully at first. The high of being in a new place, a place all to themselves, it was wonderful. And it had brought out the man she had started to believe was gone, the man she’d loved for so many suns and so many moons; years of her life having been spent growing alongside him, and she felt nothing short of complete satisfaction.

“Thanks for running away with me,” she’d whispered to him in the late hours of the night, head rested on his bare chest and his calloused hand running up and down over the delicate skin of her back.

“I’ll go wherever you want me to, babe,” was his promise, spoken softly into the dark with a tenderness reserved for her heart and ears only.

But all good things came to an end, and her life had brought truth to that statement. Things settled, routines came back and everything that lingered became visible. The issues that remained, the unspoken anger and unresolved conflicts rearing their ugly heads once again. She’d tried to pack up her life and her love and run away, but she was learning that she couldn’t hide for long.

I can lie to you, but the truth comes alive

Every time I die saying goodbye

Everything was a slow progression, the honeymoon phase wearing off slowly but surely; the conflicts creeping in where they weren’t welcomed. Again, everything was fine at first, they seemed to move as a team and it filled her heart with a warmth almost indescribable—they were so much of the same mind, in her eyes.

But then things drifted off course, the scales tipped in every which way except balanced—right where she wanted, and irritation grew to be the default when she saw his hands reach for the motorcycle keys. Betrayal became the default when she looked away from him and nodded her head, giving a flat and unconvincing ‘I’m okay,’ or ‘have fun.’ Hurt became the default when she bit her tongue until her mouth filled with the taste of crimson copper and her sobs shook her entire body, the sound of a roaring motorcycle engine filling the house.

She could lie, but he always knew. They had their problems, they battled through their conflicts, but they were still positive and negative forces magnetically pulling the other closer, two links in a chain stuck together for eternity.

Cause I don’t want to change

but I can’t stay this way

Love was a lot of things; sometimes she thought of it as something warm and familiar and safe, and other times she was convinced it was the chain that kept her around. She loved him, god damnit did she love James Barnes, but she knew that she was nearing her limit. Her heart could only take so much before she’d lose herself completely, and then she was done for beyond that point. Forever damaged; irreparable.

When Y/N thought about a life where she was on her own, miles upon miles away from the man she only wanted love and comfort from, her chest felt similar to how she imagined a sinkhole made the earth feel. The memories they shared, the laughs and the cries and the endless fun, it would forever haunt her if she were to leave—but one could argue that they already haunted her, already plagued her thoughts and dreams and every second she was breathing.

“What do you want?!” He’d screamed when she’d brought up her concerns, arms raised in the air and brows furrowed.

“Things can’t stay this way, James,” she’d stressed, fingers knotting her hair as they frantically ran through the strands.

And I don’t even mind staying chained, and thinking of you

Thinking of you

“What if I don’t wanna change?”

The breath had caught in her throat at his words, heart sinking to the pits of her stomach as her teary eyes bore into his, his figure blurry but radiating frustration.

“Then I’ll leave,” she threatened, the words burning her mouth as she spoke them. “I love you but I won’t let that stop me.”

But she always did—when he crawled into bed with slow movements and gentle hands, words soft, sweet, and oh so guilty. Apologies and false promises, admissions of love and sweet nothings, it mended her heart for the time being and she remained in the same place.

Is it up to me?

It’s always been up to you to find the peace we needed to

Strength had been dwindling, strength to fight for a relationship immersed in chaos. When things blew up, when the road grew rocky and dangerous and sometimes even lethal, it’d always been her to struggle putting the pieces back together. His words of affirmation and endless charm was the glue that only temporarily mended the cracks, but it was her will and her strive that got them there in the end.

Strength was dwindling, and she was starting to give up. “It’s always been up to me, James,” she’d told him, voice quiet, scratchy, and broken. “It’s always been me, but it’s on you now.”

He hadn’t responded, lips slightly parted as he took in the way that she didn’t even bother looking at him. He knew he’d been digging a grave, and he was starting to see that eventually he’d have to lie in it if he didn’t straighten up. The problems in their lives, in both him and her, they were deeply rooted and while she’d been trying to hack away at them, he’d only been watering them.

Is it said and done, is it carved in the stone?

How many days is it gonna take ‘til we get back home?

Most days, he did nothing but convince her that their fate was sealed—that their ultimate demise on the horizon and refused to move for anything. She’d tried and tried to tell herself that that wasn’t the truth, exalted all resources willing into existence the fact that they were meant to be—stuck together for the trials and tribulations that life undoubtedly bring them.

Things could change, and perhaps they would; nothing was said and done for them because only Y/N could write her story and only she could choose her ending.

But the harder she held on, the longer the path seemed to be. If what they had was a journey through struggle and strife, then the journey seemed years and years long—an endless battle to just make it through the days to even see the end of the road, and it more often than not left her wondering how long it would take before they would make it back home. How long would it be before they returned to where they started—sickeningly sweet, head over heels in love and willing to do anything under the sun for one another.

Cause I don’t want to change

But I can’t stay this way

If this was what growth was, then she wished someone had told her of how painful it was. It felt like scratchy throats from screaming matches, aching chests from nights spent clawing away at the burning skin, and so many more things that weren’t even worth listing. The point of it was that she was finally reaching the point where the door was opening, creaking slowly and revealing the outside world where she could escape.

Y/N didn’t want to escape, but she was starting to see that maybe it was what she needed to do. At one point she had loved her life because he had made the sun shine brighter every day and the stars twinkle a little more each night, and while she longed for that version of James he was not anywhere in sight—and hadn’t been for a long time.

She knew she couldn’t stay this way, she knew it and felt like a complete idiot every time she saw her own reflection, but, much like the aforementioned growth, this change was just as painful. And pain was something she’d felt enough of.

And I don’t even mind staying chained, and thinking of you

Thinking of you

The doors had all been slammed, every single one had the unfortunate fate of being in the path of an angry James, and a few of them hadn’t survived and refused to close completely.

“Why do you want to leave so bad, huh? If you don’t wanna be here then just fucking leave!” The emotional torment was clear as day in his voice as he screamed to the top of his lungs, and it tore her heart to shreds.

“You know damn well why!” She’d shouted back, face beet red as her chest violently heaved. “I don’t fucking deserve this, Buck, and I’m sick and tired of it!” Her nerves buzzed under the surface of her skin and she could feel her pulse in her face, and the man before her only stared back with dark eyes.

“You won’t change,” she’d sobbed. “You won’t and you know it, and if you loved me you would.”

“Y/N—” he’d started, taking a step forward but she’d held her hands out, pushing herself against the wall to get further away.

“No.” Her words were shaky yet void of fear; actually, James could hear the grit that she’d developed after dealing with his shit for so long and he felt his chest cave in slightly. “You stay there and you listen to me.”

Will you wake me up? Will you shake me up?

Cause I’m losing my way in the game

The cracks and creases on her heart deepened greatly, and when they did so she felt every bit of it. The way his eyes bore into hers, as if he was searching her soul like he’d done so many times before, made her look away—for this time she couldn’t trust him to search with good intentions.

“I’ve tried for a long time to make this work, and you can’t tell me you don’t see it. You’re not stupid, James; don’t pretend to be.” She’d shook her head with her last statement, hair going every which way and tears almost filled his eyes because she was right. “But it wont work if something doesn’t give and I’ve given enough!”

He nodded lamely, because that’s all he could think to do. He knew she didn’t want his words, they didn’t matter right now.

“Are you even serious about this? About us? You know this isn’t a joke, this is MY life! It goes way beyond just you and your issues and your anger,” her arms waved around in the air. “James, I’m losing myself in this and you’re supposed to save me!”

The tears did fill his eyes then, stinging the blue orbs and causing him to blink rapidly. He felt like shit, and every bone in his body ached with guilt.

Even at our best, my love

Neither one of us was ever really good enough

The realization that some things truly weren’t meant to be, that some people really weren’t meant to be together, was a tough pill to swallow. Y/N felt herself choke on it multiple times throughout the years, but it was finally down and done with. She couldn’t say if they were never meant to meet, or just never meant to stay together, but either way she knew that they were a recipe for disaster.

Her chemicals and his mixed together didn’t make the love that lasted a lifetime, the kind that made it through the dark and the light of the rocky road through life. They made poison, a stunning and paralyzing formula of toxic traits and deep rooted issues. They weren’t a match; even at their best they were never compatible—just too blind and in love to see it.

“I don’t know why I can’t change, and I will always stay this way,” she sang softly, her heartbreak shining through under the bright lights of the stage in a bar miles and miles away from the man she loved. The band behind her kept up well, putting the raw emotion behind every beat and note that this song required, and for that she was grateful. It was a slight break in the constant dull that she felt, a break that she was beginning to believe she wouldn’t see in her lifetime.

“And I don’t even mind staying chained,” the drawl in her voice was nothing short of old soul and broken dreams, and it wouldn’t have fit in anywhere other than the rundown bar filled with folks of a similar kind. She’d worn heartache daily long before she walked away from that house, but now it never seemed to wipe off. It was never ending, and so was the thought of him. She truly was chained to him, and sometimes in the middle of tear filled nights she told herself that he was still chained to her as well. “And thinking of you.”

Thinking of you, thinking of you, thinking of you.

➥ send as ask to be added to the bucky tag list!

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kooala · 4 years

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once you realize - chapter two

USERNAME CHANGE!!

!!used to be kookie-off-his-kookie but now it’s kooala!!

A/N: I’m so sorry it has taken me forever to upload the second chapter but between no wifi at the new place and my apartment having all sorts of issues at the moment it really took longer than I expected! Thank you for sticking around though and I hope you enjoy the second chapter! xx

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader, Taehyung x his girlfriend Mina, Jaebeom!

Tags: best friend! Jungkook, idol verse, friends to lovers!

Genre: angst, fluff, mutual pining, basically the cutest falling in love story

Wordcount: 6.3k

Warnings: language! flirting! nudity but not really, just bare legs

Parts: chapter one / chapter two / chapter three / chapter four / chapter five / chapter six / chapter seven

Summary: Not seeing Jungkook for a while had made you feel like what had happened was only a blur and you were imagining all of it. But apparently it wasn’t a blur for Jungkook and when all of you went out for a couple of drinks and you got too comfortable with someone that wasn’t Jungkook, he couldn’t help but feel his heart sink into a deep pit in his stomach.

masterlist

M Countdown had been one of the events you always looked forward to the most. The preparation that went into the choreography and stages beforehand was intense, but ultimately nothing was more rewarding than presenting a comeback stage and feeling like you were able to show what all of you had been working so hard towards. The entire vibe that was going on backstage, seeing other artists perform and getting inspiration was wonderful and as you were waiting to perform backstage, you couldn’t help but stare at the screens as BTS did their comeback performance for their new single. It had been a while since you had fallen asleep on Jungkook’s bed, and seeing him on stage like this, you were amazed by how much his features along with his look and attitude had changed over those couple of weeks since you had seen him last. You’ve seen Jungkook and the boys perform countless times before but something about their new album concept and his ability to effortlessly hit those high notes even during a live taping seemed to make you feel like you were standing right in the crowd with army, screaming and rooting for their meticulous performance. They really managed to reinvent themselves over and over again and Mina standing next to you, staring at the screen, seemed to have the same thoughts. “Can’t believe they did it again.”, she mumbled and you could only chuckle at her expression, watching Taehyung with his newly permed hair. “I think you’re drooling.”, you smirked a little.

Taking position behind one of the probs on the side, you felt your nerves kicking in big time and as you looked up and saw Jungkook standing on the opposite side of the stage. He was standing right behind the big scaffolding looking at you and you couldn’t help but crack a smile. He had a cocky smirk on his face and nodding towards you he mouthed a “good luck!”. You nodded with a smile and saw Taehyung pop up next to him, resting an arm around Jungkook’s shoulder. He had always been a ladies man but Tae around Mina was more than anyone could handle. As you were just about to turn your head away to not interrupt their long distance, lovey-dovey moment, you caught Jungkook checking you up and down once, seemingly looking at the outfit you were wearing. You along with the other girls in the band had always hated the little costumes they put you in for shows and concerts and now that you managed to box through your new concept which was a little more straight forward and edgy, you felt more than comfortable in your cargo pants and combat boots outfit, feeling like the bad ass video game character you wish you were. This had been one of those moments you simply couldn’t just let slide so with a smirk on your face, you did a little dance while turning around, letting him know you caught him right in the act of staring. Jungkook seemed to laugh and with a shy smile, he scratched the back of his neck, looking down to the floor. Something about that was satisfying to you and with an equally as big smile, you simply left it at that, looking down yourself. You only now realized how cute Jungkook was when he got really shy and thinking about it seconds before going up on stage, letting it cloud your mind, may not be the best move.

The new concept was the first time you guys had a proper rap part and a completely different concept and for the very first time since your debut you felt like this may be something where people would finally take you serious as artists, not only seeing the girls jumping around in little skirts. You were nervous to see what Jungkook and the fans would say now that the new concept was so different. After coming off stage, completely out of breath from the performance you started chugging down the water bottle that was handed to you by one of the staff.

“That was really… really good.”, Tae mumbled towards Mina who had a safe distance between both of them since their relationship wasn’t confirmed and official yet or for that matter – allowed. “I really like your new concept.”, you started talking to Jungkook. “Your singing has always been great but this timed it’s insane, you did so well.”, you smiled, drying your neck with one of the towels and Jungkook smiled down to you, nodding. He still felt a little confused about your performance and what it had done to him because it wasn’t what he had expected. It definitely was more mature and straight forward but something about it made him feel guilty for enjoying all of you dancing the way you had. He wasn’t supposed to see you that way - rolling your hips wasn’t part of the friendship, was it? His inner urge to suppress the fact that he seemed to be crushing on you even more after that performance, made him feel really shy. He felt like he could get caught for his feelings towards you and his ears started turning pinkish. But what was he supposed to do? He couldn’t help the fact that you looked like one of the characters from his computer game with that little t-shirt and combat boots. It was bad ass and he hated to admit it but he was kind of here for it.

“Are you okay?”, you asked after a moment of him not responding. He seemed to be far off with his thoughts, looking past or through you and only as you called him out for it, he slowly seemed to turn his face towards you again, catching his thoughts. “Yea, sorry.”, he laughed, putting both his hands in his pants pocket nervously. “I really liked it. It looks like you finally managed to perform what you guys wanted to perform for a long time now, the song and concept and all. It suited you guys.” He made sure to include Mina and the others in the conversation as he spoke and with a smile you nodded, thankful he appreciated your hard work. He would’ve told you if he didn’t like it, you knew that. “Also, kind of bad ass you had one of the rap parts.” He nudged your shoe with his a bit and smirked at you. You blurred out what Mina replied to him and just stared at him for a moment. “Bad ass, hm?” Raising your eyebrows you smiled up towards him. “I thought that’s just my brand? Always on the bad ass side of things, you know?”, you teased him quietly with a smile cracking in the corner of your mouth. You still felt the adrenalin from performing and you knew you had to tone down the upfront conversation you were having with him. Watching a figure climb up the stairs on the side you saw one of the staff members scolding you for blocking the way right beside the stage and with a nod and small bow, all of you excused yourselves. “See you.”, you said watching him as he looked over his shoulder while walking down the hallway into the opposite direction. “Bye, noona.”, he replied with a cocky smile on his face before turning around and disappearing in one of the hallways. “Did… he just…?”, Mina asked confused as you stared into the now empty hallway. “Yea… I think he did.”

Arriving back home after all the excitement, you felt absolutely exhausted from the long day. It had been a couple of exhausting weeks and the only thing you wanted to do is to shower and get into a comfy sweater, ready to just order in food and catch up with some cheesy tv dramas. The shower felt like the greatest thing in the world and once you put on that sweater you felt like you were ready to calm down. Preparing an event like this on top of keeping up with your regular schedule had been exhausting and as you dropped onto your bed you couldn’t help but check if the performance had already been uploaded to YouTube. There was always room for improvement. Hearing a soft knock on the door you pushed yourself off of your bed, only to open the door to someone you really hadn’t expected, especially not this time of night. “Hi… “, you chuckle, confused to see Jungkook’s smiley, soft face in the doorframe. Having visitors, let alone male ones, was prohibited at the dorm so seeing his face wasn’t what you expected. “Sorry for just randomly coming over but I really needed to see someone and hang out tonight. And not just six dudes that know everything better anyway.”, Jungkook chuckled quietly and his soft smile made your cheeks feel hot immediately. Now was the moment you regretted your grubby outfit. “If you managed to get that far without being stopped, how could I deny you.”, you joke, opening the door to your room more so he could come in. Trying to run your fingers through your hair you closed the door behind him. You felt a little awkward because he’d never seen you bare and not made up. You watched him carefully as he took a look around the room, taking in the details since he had never been here. He was smiling at the polaroid pictures you had stuck into the frame of the mirror to be able to look at them every day when you got ready. Embarrassing enough you had to admit to yourself, that there were a lot of Jungkook polaroid’s both of you had taken together.

“But seriously, how did you manage to get past everyone?”, you asked nosy, taking a seat on your bed. You watched him as he was scanning the room while he was walking around. “I told them I needed a good friend because I’m not feeling well.”, he chuckled a bit as he looked over to you. He started laughing even more at your confused expression. “Well, are you not feeling well? Do you want to talk about it?”, you sat up a little more straight, watching his every move to make sure you weren’t missing any signs of him lying about how he felt. Jungkook was never the one to dive deep into emotional conversation. Quite the opposite actually, he was a master of keeping how he felt hidden. “I’m not… bad. Just… confused maybe.” He took a deep breath, putting your picture frame with the picture of you and your friend back on the shelf and pulled in the chair from your desk to sit on it. He put his hands in his sweater pocket and just looked at you for a long moment. Jungkook was wearing big sweats and a massive sweater, looking like he had just crawled out of bed himself to come over and see you. You crossed your legs on your bed, looking over to him, waiting for him to start talking. All he did was stare at you though, smiling and as he looked away he scanned the room again. That little moment of him looking away and the smirk that had followed, made your stomach feel all fluttery and soft. You couldn’t help but stare at his hair, looking like he had just showered earlier, making them look un-styled and fluffy, perfect to run your hands through them. Trying to collect your thoughts before you ended up walking over to just run your fingers through his hair, you tried to pick the conversation back up.

“Confused about what?”, you ended up breaking the long silence after a while and Jungkook turned his head back over to face you. It had been a while since both of you had ‘unintentionally’ cuddled while watching the movies and after all that time had passed it somehow felt like you had interpreted way too much into it - as if it never really happened, almost like a blurred dream. “Let’s not talk about depressing things.”, he shrugged it off and sat up straight, stroking his hair back. “Want to do something?”, he added. “Well technically I was about to get ready to order… “, you laugh and he nodded, scooting over to put his feet on your bed. “Let’s order then and do exactly what we did last time.”, he chuckled and you couldn’t help but wonder if he chose those exact words because he wanted to point out he enjoyed the cuddling or if it was mere coincidence and you were the one overreacting.

About twenty minutes later, both of you ended up sitting outside on the roof terrace, unpacking the food delivery that had just arrived. Although it seemed difficult to enjoy a mild spring night out on a balcony in the middle of Seoul, it always fascinated you how beautiful this city could be at night. Opening your soup, you grabbed the little extra packs with the spring onion and chili paste before putting it all in and stirring through it. “So as soon as we got back after the show, Tae told all of us that he was officially in a relationship now and asked the Hyung’s and management for permission.”, Jungkook mentioned, trying to sound casual but you could tell that this was exactly what had been bothering him. You took a few moments to carefully think about how to approach this. “And how did it go?” Grabbing some of your noodles you started eating and watched him as he stirred through his Bibimbap in thoughts, his thoughts seemingly somewhere far away. “Well we’re all okay with it and happy for him, obviously had to talk about how to keep things on the down-low and all that but it was nice. He seemed super happy… ”, he trailed off quietly. “But it made you feel shitty.” You went broad with that statement because it was very personal to make an assumption like that about someone, no matter how close you were. Jungkook looked up at you, flickering his gaze over your face for a moment, only replying with a nod. “Listen… I know it’s not ideal right now with almost all of them in a relationship but I’m sure you’ll find someone you want to tell the guys about.” You smile over at him, trying to encourage him but talking about the possibility of him introducing someone else as his girlfriend to you, made your stomach drop. He looked back down into his food, stirring around some more before eating a spoon full, not replying to your statement and although you really wanted to push it, you felt like silence would be best for now.

Debating on whether or not you should tell him about a date you had a couple of weeks ago which turned out to be nothing more so far anyway, you watched the skyline for a while. It was one of those things you really wanted to talk to your best friend about but at the same time, you knew that you just wanted to see his honest reaction. What scared you was the fact that it may hurt him. “I was out with a guy last month… “, you started before slurping some more of your noodles and the way his head shot up, almost an expression of pure panic on his face, made you already regret your decision. Maybe you shouldn’t talk to guys about other guys. “And thinking about all of this, it made me realize that I really do know how you feel. Alone and all.”, you nodded and smiled over to make him feel a little bit better about the statement. “Who was it?”, he pressed. “I’m not going to tell you because you know him. It wasn’t a bad date… but what’s the point in going out with someone when you know you like someone else? Already regret leading him on.” Almost choking at the honesty of your own words, you open your soda can and look out over Seoul, listening to the absolute silence following all of those bombs you had just dropped on the dinner table. “You like someone?”, he asked hesitantly after a while and looking back over to him you could see the realization seemed to hurt him although he was trying hard to not let it show. “I think I do. Just a bit… confusing to be honest.”, you picked up his statement from earlier, really hoping it was aimed at you and that he got what you were trying to hint at. You really hoped you weren’t making a fool out of yourself right now. A little smile cracked in the corner of his mouth, dropping immediately though as he was trying to compose himself.

Stirring the conversation into safer territory, both of you ended up talking about the performance and the award show, revisiting all the fun things that had happened. It had made it much easier to talk to him again and the heavy tension of unspoken words seemed to disappear throughout the conversation. After finishing all the food you cleaned up before heading back to your room, getting ready for a quiet night in and you couldn’t help but feel excited for the possibility of cuddles. “Are you going to stay a little longer?”, you asked, picking up some of the clothes on the floor and throwing them in the laundry basket to not make it look too messy. In that second the door burst open without a warning and Mina stared at both of you standing in the room like a deer in headlights. “Are you mental? Heard of knocking?!”, you asked loud and she laughed, no sign of remorse whatsoever on her face but her expression changed when she saw Jungkook standing in the corner of the room, looking at her just as shocked and scared as you had two seconds ago. “What’s going on here… ?”, Mina asked with a smirk on her face, eyeing both of you with a meaningful look that made you want to roll your eyes so bad they’d get stuck if you did. “Nothing’s going on we had food. Why are you here?”, you interrupted her harshly before she was able to make any uncomfortable dirty hints towards the both of you being alone in your room and she just took the bait you were handing to her. “We were all thinking about going out if you want to join? You know who is going to be theeeere.”, she announced smirking and your heart started dropping. Jungkook seemed to move a little uncomfortable, putting his hands in his sweat pockets, watching both of you half arguing half teasing each other. “I think we’re going to stay in, besides, Jungkook only has sweats on I bet he doesn’t want to.”, you announced to Jungkook and he lifted his hands a bit defensive. “I mean you can go without me that’s totally fine, we can catch up some other time.”, he smiled and looked over to Mina then, being his polite distant self again that seemed to come out every time someone joined the two of you. “Ach, just put on some of Y/N’s fitted Sweatpants instead of the baggy ones and you look like you always do? No big deal, we’d want you there, come on. Jungkook you’re only a big plus I wasn’t aware you’re here.” She started talking and you could see the little faded love bite on her neck when her hair moved. “Who’s we… “, Jungkook asked her suspiciously, more interested in ‘you know who’ than anything else. Mina, being the gossiper she was, started talking about all the people that were going to attend and you knew that Jaebeom was ‘you know who’ - but Jungkook didn’t and you’d like to keep it that way. You had always thought of JB as someone you found really attractive but since things had changed between you and your best friend, the fact that JB was going to be there seemed more obstructive than helpful. You could see Jungkook’s brain going through all the people Mina had just listed, wondering who it was that you allegedly were excited to see tonight. “Yea I don’t know, I’m not feeling it, Mina.” “We should go… “, Jungkook mentioned to your surprise and you looked at him confused. “Come on, just a beer. I’ll walk you home after.”, he smiled and you looked at him a little suspicious. You knew exactly why he was pushing to go and it was destined to end bad.

Thirty minutes later all of you were sitting in one of the corner booths next to everyone else who had already been drinking and eating since way before you arrived. Everyone seemed to be there, even Yoongi and his girlfriend had left the house tonight. Jimin seemed to rock his happy-drunk facial expression and sitting next to him you chuckled, sharing a couple of shots of Soju with him to lighten up your mood. You knew that this night was going to end like all the other nights because none of you ever finished after ‘a couple of drinks’, ever. Feeling a good amount of tipsy an hour in, you didn’t mind when Jaebeom sat next to you and put his arm over your shoulders as the both of you started talking. You had done it countless times before and you always flirted back but had suddenly stopped after the Jungkook ‘sleepover incident’ a while back. It just hadn’t felt right since then. “Wasn’t expecting you to come to be honest. You’re working a lot lately.”, he said while sharing his beer with you, focused on you and the conversation completely. “I know, but it’s hard to find some time and I like being alone, you of all people should know what that’s like.”, you laughed and he chuckled as well. He dropped his hand off your shoulder, smoothly sliding it down behind your back, resting his palm on your hip. You were tipsy and definitely didn’t mind his touches while talking to him. It’s like you were in your own little world and being lost in the conversation, you had a couple more shots while catching up. This was what you usually did with JB and the alcohol definitely made you forget about the surroundings and your feelings you had so carefully pushed aside for months.

Only when you had to laugh and let your gaze drift across the table, you felt like your insides freezing up. It wasn’t the fact that Jungkook looked at you, it was the look of disappointment on his face when your eyes met that made you feel like you royally fucked up as a friend. His gaze turned back to his bottle of beer before turning back to Yugyeom, whispering something to him. Both of them got up and walked out the backdoor into the yard. It felt like seeing him look at you made you realize that you were cheating on him and all of a sudden the touch on your hip was too much and the conversation felt too intimate. Everything was too close. “Excuse me.”, you smiled, squeezing past JB out of the booth, heading over to the restrooms and you couldn’t help but frown at your own stupidity. If you could have it your way, of course you’d be dating Jungkook right now. Why would you forget about that just because you can’t have him? Why would you flirt with someone else although the person you’d want to be with was sitting right across? Your mind was running wild and as you walked down the hallway without looking up, you only felt a full on smack against your head before stumbling back a couple of steps, holding your hurting forehead. Jimin had just cut a corner and the both of you hit into each other so hard, you could feel the tears. “Oh my god. Are you ok?” He put both his hands on your head to look at your face, checking for an injury. It wasn’t only the impact of him bumping into him that hurt you so bad, it was seeing Jungkook’s face that hurt a hundred times more. The tears welling up in your eyes seemed like a perfect cover for the actual reason you wanted to cry, so you didn’t fight them. “Y/N… “, Jimin seemed a little panicked at your expression, thinking he really hurt you. “It’s not that. I’m fine I’m just… I had too much to drink.”, you tried to stir in and he nodded carefully, stroking over your cheek comforting. Thinking you were drunk was way better than explaining why you were actually crying. “Want me to get Jungkook? He can- “, he started but you shook your head alarmed. “Don’t!”, you said a little too fast and Jimin looked at you with a confused expression on his face. “I mean… don’t bother him. I’ll just go home, it’s all good. Don’t worry”, you replied.

“Everything ok?” Jungkook appeared behind Jimin and the still hurt expression on his face turned into worry once he saw the tears on your cheeks. “Y/N… What happened?” Semi-gently pushing away Jimin, he made you tilt your head up to look at him, his face a bit panicked. “Did he do anything? Did something happen?”, he asked worried and you just closed your eyes to not look at him, shaking your head lightly. The fact that JB hurting you was the first thing on his mind only made you realize how much he must’ve been bothered by him. “He didn’t do anything, I did.”, you mumbled as you felt the guilt creeping up even more and along with all the drinks you had that night, you really felt like going home was the best idea. “She said she’s drunk.”, Jimin chimed in, stroking over your back comforting. “Come on, I’ll take you home.”, Jungkook smiled softly. Stroking his thumb over your wet cheek gently to wipe the tears away. Jungkook shouldn’t have to comfort you like that since you messed up after all. You were the one treating him badly. You saw his face earlier when you mentioned the date, you saw how he cuddled you and yet you acted like you weren’t sure about his feelings towards you. You knew deep down, he had given you all the signs. You read them all and yet you got flirty with someone else. “Let’s go, hm? Maybe you’re just exhausted from today.”, he said politely, trying to make it seem like you weren’t even that drunk although you could feel that you were. Picking up the coats and wiping your face dry to make you look presentable before heading back out, Jungkook put his arm around your waist as both of you walked over to the table to say your goodbyes for the night. The overwhelming response of “booooo’s” made you chuckle. “You all know I’m weak, don’t act surprised.”, you chuckled and high fived some of them before heading outside with Jungkook, letting him lead the way.

“Y/N! Hold up.” Turning around while holding onto your best friend, your eyes feeling hazy and your head heavy you could see Jaebeom rushing out. He looked slightly awkward because of the fact that Jungkook was standing right next to both of you. Although he hated it, Jungkook was polite and took a few steps to give both of you some privacy and you could already feel that this was a bad idea. “Listen, I just wanted to know if you want to go grab some coffee sometime, maybe? I know this is sudden but I’d like it if you could make time soon.” His face and intentions were so pure that it hurt to even think about turning him down but there was nothing you could do. “Thank you so much for asking and please don’t take this the wrong way but I’m very drunk right now and I shouldn’t be making any judgment calls any time soon. I have someone I really like and it wouldn’t be fair to him. I know I kind of led you on tonight and I’m sorry, It’s not that I don’t find you attractive, because god knows you’re just my type, but I can’t go behind anyone’s back, especially my own. Besides that - I’m not allowed to date anyway so whatever it would be between you and me wouldn’t work out. But thank you, I really mean it. ” You smiled up to him, patting his chest once and you could see the embarrassment on his face he tried to cover with a smile.

“Let’s go.”, you mumbled, walking over to Jungkook, wrapping your arm around his waist as he tried to hold you upright while walking home. The way home was silent and you felt embarrassed about the fact he had to hold you but at least it gave you an excuse to be close to him. As he stopped in front of your building, you closed your eyes and leaned your cheek against his chest while he took the keys out of your coat pocket. He fumbled with the keys for a moment and maybe it was just wishful thinking but you were sure he had stalled to open the door on purpose. Standing up straight again you followed him with some difficulties and eventually reached out to take his hand. You could feel him tense up a little bit under your touch and when you looked up, his eyes were resting on yours and you weren’t able to read his expression at all. “Sorry.”, you mumbled, pulling your hand out of his, and for a split second he looked like he was about to take it again but he stepped closer, supporting your waist again and carried you up the stairs to your dorm while acting like nothing happened. He pulled off your sneakers and hung up your coat in the hallway, guiding you through the hallway to your room. “Alright, I’ll go get you some water and vitamins, okay?” You sat down on your bed, looking up to him and nodded as he walked out the room quietly.

Taking your clothes off turned out to be more difficult than you had expected it to be and with a few difficulties, you eventually managed to put on your sleep shirt. Getting up you pushed off your pants inconveniently, trying to pull the tight legs off your feet but eventually, you gave up and ended up sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting for Jungkook to return. “Oh shit.”, was all he said as he walked in, turning around immediately at the sight of your bare legs. “Dooon’t. I need your help, take them off, please.”, you said a little whiny and knowing yourself, you’d remember all of this tomorrow and hate yourself for being so annoying and drunk. “Y/N… You’re not wearing pants I can’t just…”, Jungkook started talking, looking to the ceiling. “Yes, you can. They’re legs, I’m not asking you to grind on me. Just pull the legs off for god’s sake.” He took a deep breath, stroking over his face seemingly stressed by how this night had unfolded, and turned around to grab the skinny jeans on your ankles to pull them off carefully. Dropping back onto your sheets you let him pull the pants off before just stretching out on your bed, closing your eyes from the comfort of the sheets. “Alright, do you need anything else? Pajama pants?”, he asked and you turned around, crawling up under the covers, making him fluster even more, raising his gaze to the ceiling until you were tucked into your bedsheets and safe to look at. “I never sleep with pants.”, you mumbled and pulled the pillow in, looking at him in the doorway. “Mh-hm…”, he only mumbled polite and your thoughts started returning to earlier.

“I’m sorry. For all of it.”, you start explaining but he just smiled. “Nothing to be sorry for, you’ve seen me worse.”, he chuckled and sat down next to you, stroking your hair out of your forehead carefully. “All we have to do is take off that makeup and then you can sleep, ok?”, he smiled and touched your cheek a couple more times than he usually would, making the apples of your cheeks heat up. Jungkook left to get some make up remover and while you rubbed your face with the cotton pad, the painful expression on his face made you stop as he offered to help you before you’d reach the bones.

“I’m sorry for flirting with him.”, you said, watching his face carefully as he wiped away the last traces of foundation on your cheeks. “Don’t be, you should flirt with him if you like him.”, he smiled and you knew it must’ve cost him a lot of strength to react as calmly as he did. “I don’t like him though. Not in that way. Not anymore…”, you say and close your eyes as he gently wiped over them to remove your mascara. “You don’t?”, he asked patiently and you shook your head a bit, watching him get a new cotton pad. “I like someone else.”, you say and watched his face close to yours as he wiped over your lip one last time to get the lipstick off. “Yea?” He seemed very patient with all of your talking but you could notice that he was distant about it all. He didn’t want to hear it and forcing things on him usually didn’t end well. “Don’t you like me?”, you asked after a moment of silence as he collected the cotton pads. “What?”, he mumbled as if he didn’t hear you and turned his head to look at you properly. “I said - don’t you like me?” His expression as blank for a moment. “Of course I like you. We’re best friends.”, he countered and wiped over your nose cutely one more time, making you scrunch up your nose smiling.

“But do you only like me as a friend?” You decided to go all in. At this point you were aware all of this could be one of your biggest regrets of a lifetime tomorrow. “Y/N… “, he chuckled nervously and got up to throw out all the cotton pads. “Just say yes or no. It’s okay if you don’t, but I want to know.”, you said, watching him carefully. “You’re drunk, how about we don’t talk about this now? You don’t know what you’re saying.” Sitting down next to you again he smiled while pushing your hair behind your ear gently. “Just tell me.” Your voice turned almost a little angry since he was dodging all the questions you had been asking and although you may have been drunk, picking up the courage to be as honest and vulnerable as you were right now, still wasn’t easy. His eyes were focused on yours and he took a deep breath as he looked away. Stroking over his jaw he seemed to fight his own battle inside but he couldn’t get himself to give you an answer.

“Okay… “, you whispered after a long moment of silence. He didn’t seem to try and say anything and as you could see the apologizing look on his face, you felt a lump grow in your throat. You should’ve known pushing him wouldn’t work out and you should’ve known that getting drunk while feeling the way you did about him was a bad idea but there was nothing you could do about it now. You had said it all and now you had to live with the consequences. “Y/N… “, he said softly, putting his hand on your arm under the covers but you pulled away, feeling too hurt and embarrassed to look at him right now. “It’s fine, don’t worry.”, you mumbled. The least you could do is keep the last bit of dignity.

“It’s not fine. I just don’t want to talk to you about it when you’re drunk… Especially not after getting touchy-feely with Jaebeom. You can’t be mad at me, not tonight.”, he mumbled the last part. Knowing he was right you still didn’t say anything in return, well aware it was childish. “Don’t ignore me… You ignored me all night, that hurt enough.”, he said quietly and you looked over the sheets to him. “It’s not like you came over to sit next to me either, you know.”, you said a little too feisty. Jungkook looked at you for a long moment and simply smiled. There was no point in talking to you when you were drunk and hurt like that and he knew. He got up and smiled down at you. “Sleep well. I hope you’ll feel better tomorrow, okay?” He placed the water bottle on the nightstand closer for you to reach, laying the vitamins right next to it along with a pain killer. You took a deep breath and stroked over your eyes. “I’m sorry.”, you mumbled again and he bent down to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. “I know you are, love. And I’m not avoiding your questions but when I feel like telling you how I feel, I want you to remember that I said it.” His voice was soft, barely audible and you looked at his lips to understand what he was saying but got distracted by the little birthmark right under it. “Now sleep well. I’ll bring you some breakfast tomorrow.” The last thing you remembered was his lips, touching your forehead soft, comforting you while everything around you was spinning in circles.

If you’ve managed to read this far, I’d be more than happy if you could like and share my chapter if you enjoyed it! If you have any suggestions for improvement or any drabble requests - make sure to shoot me a message!

thank you so much for reading and I hope you’ll stay around for the third chapter! 💖

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uwua3 · 4 years

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Um hi! I was wondering if I could get headcanons on kazunari spending time with an old friend after being separated for a long time? Thank you so much! 🌸

of course! i’m sososo happy for this request :O it allowed me to get closure for a similar experience i’ve had, so this was healing ♡ thank you so much, i love you!!! (^з^)-☆

summary: sometimes, friends aren’t forever. nevertheless, friendship break ups were definitely more painful than romantic ones

warnings: angst, breakdowns, closure, crying, friendship break ups, hitting (jokingly), insecurities

author’s note: as seen in the title, this contains lots of social media (especially tik tok) references! please read this and understand, it’s okay to not be friends with someone anymore—not everyone is meant to be your bff, and that’s okay ! you’re okay ♡ (reminder: this is a platonic writing! no romantic feelings whatsoever)

word count: 5,267

music: electric love – børns

tik tok famous

🌻🎨 miyoshi kazunari

the kazunari you were best friends with was gone—instead, it was someone you didn’t recognize

you scrolled through the account tagged in an ad promoting a play in your area, the stranger familiar in a painful way. why you had clicked, you had no idea, but here you were: stalking your ex best friend’s instablam profile

it felt like high school again. laying in bed between four pitch black walls, with nothing but your phone illuminated by kazunari’s smiling face in a trending post. nights spent thinking about the artistic popular boy in your grade caught up to you even in university

swipe. another selfie of kazunari grinning with his friends. swipe. a group photo with his cast members, apparently. swipe. the same promotional poster for his company’s play that was just advertised to you not too long ago

you stared at the screen, mindlessly scrolling through each and every single post just to see his face again and again. there was no reason to, you hadn’t thought of him in years

but... why couldn’t you look away?

before you could end up years in advance of his perfectly structured feed, a notification appeared at the top of your screen

kazu-PIKO started a live video! watch it before it ends!

your finger hovered over the rainbow circle now around kazunari’s icon, hesitating due to the countless worries in your head. what if he remembered who you were? though, with a followers count like his, he was maybe too famous to even notice

when you decided to leave his life for good and ended the friendship before senior year, you never expected to find him again. you had moved on and treasured the good memories before everything became a mess, but now, all you wanted to do was see your best friend again

sighing, you decided it wasn’t worth it. there was no point bringing up the past, it was a process but it was time to keep letting go. you were about to exit his profile but you must’ve misclicked, because suddenly you were brought to kazunari’s slightly sweaty but energized grin on the screen

you could’ve left the live any time. pretended like none of this happened and you could never see kazunari again in your entire life

but... no, you stayed and settled back into your bed, watching the screen as kazunari talked on and on

he was wearing an elaborate costume you were sure he just finished performing in, his cast members bustling around him excitedly in what seemed like a dressing room. it must’ve been closing night, considering the bouquets of flowers all around them from adoring fans and more

“what’s up, what’s up~?” kazunari yelled out, a chorus of shushes in the background apparent even as he laughed. taking a quick gulp of water, kazunari said something to a person behind the camera with a wink and promise of hanging out post after–party. you followed the comments, all of them congratulating kazunari on his final show of the season

he was always the more popular, friendly, and extroverted one. of course he had a fanbase, he was meant to be in the spotlight. and, you... weren’t

“kazu here! wanted to see how everyone liked summer troupe’s newest play~ how’d i do? super good?” kazunari giggled, resting in a director’s chair as the mirror behind him reflected four other people trying their best to avoid the camera (wait... was that famous child actor tenma sumeragi—?!)

“you know... we’ve been thinking—” kazunari started, stopping with a loud protest when a towel hit his face. “stop thinking, you only get bad ideas.” a rough voice complained, the tone harsh but quickly turned into an accidental yelp when kazunari panned the camera to reveal a young green–haired boy who moved to the side to hide

laughing again, kazunari said something about how yukki–chan was too cute for his own good before continuing his statement, using the towel to wipe his forehead

“anyways~ isn’t it time for a mankai instablam?!” kazunari exclaimed, the chat matching his vibe by keyboard smashing to express their support. you wondered why that name rang a bell, but ultimately became distracted by kazunari’s effortless sunshine disposition

“frooch—” a quick side eye glance to his left with a nervous laugh, “sakyo–san! definitely meant that... i love you, sakyo~” a kiss was blown in the same direction and a defeated sigh of “kazunari...” was heard

“sakyo finally let us kids have some fun and get instablam for the theatre company! run by yours truly, but posted by everyone~ check it out!”

you noticed he dropped the username in the comments and when you looked back up, it felt like he was looking into your eyes again. you missed him, a lot

you followed the mankai profile, watching the count rise up as you got lost in the numbers. he wouldn’t notice, he couldn’t have, he would never

when the live ended, it felt like the room was suddenly too quiet. like you were missing your other half... you ignored it and went to bed, tired from social media

(hours later, kazunari let out a sigh of relief, closing the door to his dorm gently as his back slid against the surface. he hit the floor softly, his mood ruined once he pulled out his phone and scrolled through the recent followers again. he never thought he’d see you again, but here you were, following his company’s instagram)

(it had been a long time since he missed you like this. kazunari turned in from the party uncharacteristically early, just to stare at your profile. if only he could follow back)

you didn’t know when it became a habit, but the first thing you did when you woke up was check the mankai instablam. one thing led to another, and you’d find yourself continuining your day but with the casual obsession of seeing if it was kazunari who posted

over time, you learned the company members’ names just from the sheer content twenty (20) boys could produce. from following the profile to catching up on the blogs to every livestream in between, it was an understatement to say you were a fan

you never did follow kazunari’s personal blog, but he would always be your favorite. something about his acting and friendliness drew you in all over again, fighting to be the first to like his new update

sure, at first, you didn’t physically recognize him. he had dyed his hair now, a much more vibrant blonde with stylish and trendy fashion to make him stand out. his black hair and basic school uniform days were gone and only in your memories

but, throughout the years apart, he had remained the same. once a people pleaser, always a people pleaser, you suppose. you could never keep up with his intense energy and rambunctious vibes, he was a force on his own

mankai_company just posted a photo!

you subconsciously smiled when you saw kazunari posted again, this time a selfie instead of the usual group hang out photo. he seemed to be in a track suit inside the practice room, his reflection showing it was just misumi making a triangle with his hands behind the phone

(some part inside you wished you could’ve taken cute bonding pictures together with kazunari... but that time was gone now)

you were about to scroll through the rapid comments before you noticed the caption with the typical kazu stars and emoticons

“heya mankai fam~! ^_−☆ check out our newest tik tok account! @ mankai_company ~ see ya there!!! – kazuuu ✨”

you weren’t exactly shocked to see sakyo finally let the gen z kids of the ensemble finally get their hands on a shared tik tok account. switching to the other app, you followed and put on notifications like always

maybe it was following mankai that changed the algorithim, but suddenly your feed on tik tok was... different, to say the least

kazunari’s rising popularity wasn’t just from his theatre gig, but also his own individual account. of course he had his own content, you should’ve known

kazunari was becoming a well known tik toker who often posted anything under the sun. dance videos, funny pranks on his troupe members, and acting povs that were way too professional

you didn’t think anything of it until you had swiped through your “for you” page, liking anything that made you laugh and find momentary serotonin in the humor. as you were about to skip past one, you noticed the username

kaz-PIKO: like this and i’ll message them~ ☆

message who? you restarted the tik tok only to see kazunari was in his usual training outfit, the yellow and black tracksuit and gold headband as he sat in front of the practice room mirror with his phone recording his reflection

(you noticed it matched the outfit in his instablam post that advertised the mankai tik tok account a week ago)

reading the text that occassionally came in on screen, you held your breath as you made the connections

kazunari pointed to a corner where the colored text appeared: “i have this best friend i lost contact with...” next, a cut to black when he covered the camera with his hand. then, a quick transition of all the photos you had ever taken with him with your face covered with a sticker

(you didn’t think he’d keep them in his phone after what had happened)

“i miss them, they were everything to me.”

(he was everything to you before, too)

“i noticed they followed me recently, should i dm them?” the video cut back to kazunari who shrugged and it ended there

you released a deep breath, pausing your daily afternoon scroll to fully comprehend the situation

of course kazunari noticed. he was too perceptive for his own good, he could never forget a face, or username, for the life of him

but was this... a sign? a call out from the universe to have closure from such a long friendship that defined your youth?

you didn’t bother opening the comments, you didn’t need anything convincing you otherwise. you moved on, ignoring kazunari’s latest tik tok even though it stayed on your mind all day. you couldn’t think of anything else

never in a million years did you expect to find yourself back as your high school self, hopelessly wishing you could be worthy of your childhood best friend. this time, you were just a little bit older

kazunari took his ten minute break after helping summer troupe with moving stage props, sighing as he refreshed his tik tok account again. the views kept going up, yet, no like from your account

all he needed was a like from you, some signal you were ready to talk again, and he’d message you right away

but until then, kazunari pocketed his phone and distracted himself with a loud cheer for the snacks director brought to the stage. he would have to patiently wait for you to see

another few days pass before kazunari is doing the same exact thing as you—scrolling through tik tok and sending them to active groupchats and other friends

then, it happened

going viral online wasn’t anything new, but not to this level

thousands of comments made kazunari’s phone ping like crazy, everyone insisting on knowing who the person was in his latest tik tok. it seemed like the algorithim grabbed his video and sent it to every person’s fyp, because suddenly all the spotlight was on him to go send a message

at first, kazunari was overjoyed with this new level of attention. how cool! that just meant more instablam likes~ he hoped his art posts would receive the same recognition, so he scrolled through his comments only to see the most liked comment

wait, isn’t this [insert your @] from high school?

oh my god

your phone was going off consistently, the tik tok notification soind buzzing on your bed. you sleepily woke up from a short nap to hundreds of people mentioning you. oh no... what had you done now?

you opened the tag. it was the same kazunari tik tok you made a point to avoid before. but now, it came back, louder than ever

kazunari was generally tik tik popular, but not this famous! you checked the comments and noticed your friend had started this chain of tagging. of course they did, you rolled over to try your best and muffle your scream in your pillow

if you didn’t like his post now... there would be no more chances to ever speak to him again

lifting your head to stare at the screen in front of you, you had never thrown your phone at the end of your bed so fast after double tapping

(kazunari almost missed it, but when your username flashed across the top of his screen, he simply switched apps to go into his finsta to scream)

(whoiskazu: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH THEY LIKED MY TIK TOK I HAVE TO DM THEM WHAT DO I SAY JSJFJSJCJD HELP?!?!@!:!,!,’&@:@;’???)

(nottenma: please be a normal human ,,,)

(princemukkun: you got this, kazu! i support you!)

(misankaku: 🔺🔺🔺 say that)

(yukiruri: SHUT UP I CAN HEAR YOU FROM ACROSS THE DORMS)

(whoiskazu: no ❤️)

after lots of encouragement from the only two summer troupe members who supported him, misumi & muku, kazunari calmed down to stare at the open chat log. all he had to do was say something, anything, and things would go from there

but sometimes, a picture spoke a thousand words

ping! kaz–PIKO followed you!

kaz–PIKO sent you a message:

when you opened the dm after pacing nervously in your room for a good minute or so, you subconsciously let out a sigh of relief and couldn’t help but laugh

of course, only kazunari would send you a meme of a bunch of pink hearts

it was like time never passed between you two. one meme led to another anecdote of gen z humor and before you knew it, it was like you guys were friends again

things were always easier over text, however, so when kazunari suggested you both meet up, you stopped typing and reread the text over again

kaz–PIKO: i’d love to hang out with you!!! ☆ when are you free~? :D

your anxieties were relieved for a moment once he double–texted a cute pleading sticker. it was so like him that you actually considered seeing him even if it had been years since the last time you both parted ways

it was too late to back out now, you both knew you missed each other and were better people now. university maturity was just a simply different time and place in a teen’s life compared to figuring everything out in high school

on the other side of the screen, kazunari couldn’t help but feel a little nervous on what he said. he was always too forward in wanting to interact with people, but maybe this was pushing it

he didn’t exactly forget you were the one who ended the friendship. but, so much time had passed it was better left unsaid. he forgave you a long time ago; you both had emotionally become new people with healthier habits and more refined personalities. what was there to hold a grudge about? (or at least, so he thought)

kazunari was just worried you didn’t feel the same way and he was opening an opportunity for you to hurt him again

“this is so not cool!” kazunari huffed, having a pillow thrown at his head after he stumbled back. it felt like deja vu, why was he always the victim of yuki’s aim?!

“yo, friendly mcextrovert, you forget we actually have work?” yuki rudely reminded him, but had a hint of concern in his narrowed eyes. the two creative geniuses of mankai were huddled around kazunari’s laptop to finish designing the posters. obviously, with fashion extroidinaire yuki’s input on color (yet, kazunari was most definitely focused on other things besides digital editing)

“ah, sorry~” kazunari weakly laughed, the look in his eyes not quite right. yuki hummed, unconvinced, before turning back to the screen with spare glances at kazunari’s slouched frame. the two of them continued to work in uncomfortable silence before yuki sighed, pushing the laptop further away while rubbing his forehead

“ok, ok, i give in. what’s got you so down?”

kazunari raised his eyebrows in surprise before quickly putting on his usual front, grinning as he flashed a cute peace sign. “nothing~ you’re seeing things, yukki–chan!”

yuki smacked his hand down with a very obvious eye roll, ignoring kazunari’s dramatic complaints about his unnecessary use of force (“ow! so not nice, yukki–chan!” “can you shut up for one second?!” “no, i cannot~”)

“i’m seeing you’re stressing about something and it’s interfering with our work. so, spill.” yuki pretended like the facade was all for work, but when he completely turned his body so he was facing kazunari, closing the laptop in the process and making sure there were no distractions in the process, kazunari genuinely smiled

“awww, is yukki–chan worried about his bff~? you love me—” “i’ll end you right here and now if you don’t start talking.”

silence, then the realization, oh, he wasn’t joking. so, kazunari rubbed the back of his neck with an awkward attempt at a laugh as he glazed over the details of his latest problem. yuki listened attentively, not making a single sound as he decided to rest his hands in his lap

“okay.” yuki finally said and kazunari did a double take. “okay?” kazunari almost couldn’t believe it. it literally took all his strength to be emotionally vulnerable for once, and this was the response? kazunari blinked before yuki patted his shoulder, though he moved exactly like a robot who never functioned around humans before

“how do you feel now?”

kazunari thought about it some more, reaching out for his sketchbook before yuki blocked his hand. “you know, you can’t keep distracting yourself from your feelings. it’s okay to be, not happy, all the time.”

kazunari stopped and slouched further into his frame, trying his best to avoid the effect of the call out. ouch, by the way

it’s not that big of a deal, kazunari thought as he fidgeted with the zipper of his jacket. the sound was very prominent in the quiet room now, but yuki patiently waited for an answer

“i’m... scared, i guess? people, people always leave me. i couldn’t be the right person for them last time, what if i’m not a good friend?” kazunari rambled for once, a weight getting lifted off his shoulders when he verbally expressed the number one fear haunting him. yuki nodded, clearly about to disagree before he sympathetically pulled kazunari into an one–armed hug. kazunari returned it, avoiding eye contact as he stared at paint stains on his shoes

“it’s okay to be your true self. mankai likes you for who you are, right? especially, summer. we’re friends.” yuki explained, and kazunari let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in. maybe that’s all he needed to hear, because he leaned his head on yuki’s with a desperate attempt to not cry all over his friend

“you can cry.”

and kazunari finally faced the pain and trauma that came with a best friend leaving, closing his eyes and trying to stifle his own cries. yuki didn’t say anything again, just rubbed kazunari’s back as consolation as kazunari hid his face away from sight

“i, i just wanted to know what i did wrong. why am i never good enough? why can’t anyone ever stay? why is it my fault?” kazunari sobbed, curling into himself as he failed to maintain his usual composure. yuki continued offering silent motivation, knowing all kazunari needed was someone who listened and understood

“i... i will never be better. i’ll never be someone’s first choice, my efforts will never be enough. i want to be worthy of love.” kazunari mumbled, settling down as he realized the severity of the situation. it was the first time he cried so honestly to someone, he was about to pull away before yuki looked into his eyes with a soft smile

“you are, very much so. you deserve validation, happiness, and anything in between. your past isn’t your fault, kazu. what someone did to you was out of your control, it’s not an indication of what you’re worth.”

kazunari nodded, finding comfort in the words since they came from yuki. yuki stood up after a while and offered his hand, to which kazunari accepted and mumbled an embarrassed apology for being so out of character. yuki just lightly punched his arm, a new understanding between them

“i like you for who you are, never change, kazunari.”

(a hour later, you got a notification kazunari posted a new tik tok. it was with mankai’s fashion designer, yuki, this time, who were both wearing cat ears. it must’ve been an old costume as they did a “fit check”. yuki never looked amused in kazunari’s videos, but he seemed closer to him this time around. you wondered why. at least, they were both happy)

(when you agreed to meet up, kazunari exhaled and dropped back into bed. holding the phone above his face, kazunari rapidly typed back an adorable sticker before throwing his phone aside)

(muku picked his head up from a manga, coming over to snuggle into kazunari’s side without another word. kazunari hugged him back, burying his face in muku’s chest with a smile. he loved his friends so much)

(ping! another tik tok, this time kazunari and muku were reenacting a manga scene from some popular series with the audio from the actual anime)

“are you okay?” tenma’s protective leadership qualities kicked in, moving to stand beside his troupe member with a concerned expression. kazunari nodded, but his hands were shaking in his jean pockets and he kept scuffing the heel of his shoes against the pavement

today was the day. you and kazunari were reuniting after an especially messy friendship break up. the last time he ever saw you was when you walked the stage at his high school graduation, now, here he was, craning his head to look for your familiar face

the rest of summer troupe came for moral support, because that’s just who they were. kazunari let yuki explain the predicament when they all found kazunari pacing the main living room earlier, and they were certain the power of friendship would save the day

(maybe, coming in with very exaggerated disguises were a bit too overboard, though. seriously? a group of four wearing tinted sunglasses and all black in the summer caught more attention than necessary)

nevertheless, you and kazunari agreed on a local café nearby. he wondered if you remembered you two frequented this joint all the time in high school, for everything from late night cram sessions to needing a pick me up for working hard on extracurricular activities. he hadn’t gone in a long, long time. everything reminded kazunari of you, causing him to order your usual impulsively without thinking if it—you, changed

sliding into a free table by the window, kazunari held up a small wave to the highly suspicious group at the opposite end of the café as they all finger–gunned back. really... anyone could recognize their unusual bright hair from a mile away

(tenma didn’t even change it, he had the iconic sumeragi orange on full display and attracted hushed whispers immediately)

kazunari perked his head up if the door bell rang but fell dejectedly whenever it wasn’t you. anxiously tapping his foot, kazunari fiddled with his stud earring as he barely drank his over the top coffee. it had too much sugar, maybe that’s why he’s so jumpy

checking his phone, kazunari frowned. you were a bit late... though, you always did that back then. relieved, kazunari thought, maybe you didn’t change that much

missing the bell by the entrance, kazunari was too busy scrolling through his feed before he felt a tap on his shoulder. assuming it was a barista, kazunari lifted his head with a bright smile before it morphed into an expression of shock

it was you

and, you were barely recognizable

it shouldn’t have hurted him as much as it did, but kazunari stood up and opened his arms with a big smile. “hey~! thanks for coming, missed ya!” was his voice too high? too excited? he always worried about those types of things around you, but he just realized that now

(he was so caught up in meeting you again, he missed the mutters of summer. they were looking you up and down, already getting a bad feeling as they devised a plan to get kazunari out whenever it seemed uncomfortable)

“hi, kazunari.” you said, awkwardly going in for a hug before settling across from him. kazunari sat back down and pushed a cup towards you, smiling to the point where his cheeks hurt

“you still like this, right?” kazunari laughed but he felt like there were no air in his lungs. a part of him accepted a long time ago he’d never see you again, so this felt like reopening old wounds he neglected to care for

“ahaha... no, not really. don’t worry, it’s still decent!” you fumbled on your words, taking a sip of the drink only to reveal a slight grimance. kazunari nodded, a flustered blush across his face as he swore within his head. you didn’t like that order anymore? you loved it back in high school...

“haha... cool...” kazunari trailed off and it was uncomfortably silent despite the lively atmostphere of the popular café. it had definitely become busier since both your high school days, that’s for sure. maybe, that was a blessing and curse at the same time

tenma was about to stand up and pull kazunari aside, acting like it was an emergency, before misumi grabbed him with surprising strength. about to retaliate, tenma just fell silent when muku shook his head with a pointed look towards your table

kazunari swirled the metal straw in his order, watching the movement of the foam with unnatural quietness. it bothered him, not being able to talk comfortably as an extrovert, so he started speaking when he noticed you wouldn’t start the conversation

“so... how have you been?”

“good, good. you?”

“great! thanks for asking.”

“yeah...”

silence, again. this was becoming unbearable. kazunari sharply exhaled through his nose before pushing aside his drink, sitting up to cross his arms on the table with a serious look

“talk to me. we haven’t seen each other in years, but we are—were best friends. what’s up?” kazunari stated, hurriedly correcting himself when he caught your wide eyes. you seemed to contemplate it for a moment before agreeing, mimicking his posture with new confidence

“it’s... strange, seeing you again. i feel like i barely know who you are now.” you explained slowly and kazunari nodded, also feeling the same way as he rested his cheek against his palm. this was going to be a hard, but long overdue, conversation

who knows? maybe, it’d heal that dramatic part of your coming of age childhoods that you both needed

“same. so much has changed ever since we, you know.” kazunari replied and it was about to be awkward again before you responded, scratching your head with a distant look

“yeah... i’m sorry, for leaving you.”

“why did you?”

kazunari’s words were automatic, coming from a part of him that always wondered this when things got rough. when it was too quiet at night and he laid awake staring at his bedroom ceiling, he questioned why he wasn’t the best friend you wanted. or, when he drove by your old school, he often thought why weren’t all the good memories enough to make you stay?

whoever said friendship break ups were more painful than romantic ones, was right

(being abandoned by someone who knew him more than kazunari knew himself was... a turning point in his life)

you reeled back from the surprise, spluttering as you tried to form a coherent sentence. kazunari passed you a napkin, to which you took gratefully. it was supposed to be natural, everyone said that, but this conversation took effort to maintain

“you’re right, i owe you an explanation.” you mumbled, the question catching you off guard. kazunari waited, like he always did, before you continued, your voice clear despite the busy ambience. all noise faded into the background as kazunari listened to the words he wished high school him could’ve heard before

“we... we just were in different parts of our life. you are, to this day, the life of the party. the bold, loud, energetic student who’s outgoing, charismatic, and always saying something. i’m... not.”

(when kazunari was about to interrupt, you held up your hand and he sat back, realizing yeah—he did like talking way too much)

“it was hard... being known as ‘kazunari’s best friend’ and nothing more. you’re bigger than life, kazunari, i’m not like that. and, that’s okay, at least for me.”

“i just... i had to be my own person. spread my wings, be independent, you know? you didn’t hold me back, but i needed time to be myself and stand alone.”

you looked relieved, like this was something you held back for years. kazunari was floored, he honestly didn’t expect this. he truly wasn’t aware you felt overshadowed since he took all the attention away from you. a deep sense of shame washed over kazunari when he realized how lonely it must’ve felt

“when you left, i questioned everything. whether the friendship was real or not... or what i did wrong. i wish you told me before, but i, i understand.” kazunari forced out and it wasn’t a lie. he did understand, the fear of being forgotten and mislabeled. your reasoning was completely valid, it was for self growth and confidence (something he still needed to work on)

“i’m sorry for doing that to you. i never intended to, but i know impact matters most. i’m sorry you felt overshadowed, you were always my number one.” kazunari said and you reached over to take his hand, albeit awkwardly. it was comforting as you smiled with tears in your eyes

“i know, you were my first choice, too. i’m glad i was your best friend, i miss you and i love you so much.”

“i miss and love you, too, bff.”

(it was something both of you needed to hear, and the childhood versions of yourselves felt like they could move on. this, this was closure)

when you two catched up on university and everything else, kazunari pulled out his phone (which he hadn’t checked in hours after texting summer to go back to the dorms). holding it up in the air with a mischevious wink, you and kazunari both knew where this was going

“wanna make a tik tok?”

kaz–PIKO: always friends ♡

(it was labeled as a part two to his original post about missing his best friend. you and kazunari pretended to do the ‘electric love kissing’ challenge, before the audio cut to ‘sike!’. kazunari ran over to his phone to end the video, both your laughing faces in the last frame)

(it blew up, again. as expected of popular tik tok king kazunari)

regardless of the comments and likes, kazunari was right—you two would always be friends. it didn’t have to be more than that, this was for the best, and that’s okay

#miyoshi kazunari #kazunari miyoshi #a3! act! addict! actors!#a3!#act! addict! actors!#a3! actor training game #a3! headcanons #act! addict! actors! headcanons #mankai a3!#mankai company #a3! x reader #a3 x reader #kazunari x reader #a3! kazunari #a3 kazunari

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samaramin · 3 years

Photo

INTRODUCING: Samar “Sam” Amin

“It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.”

THE BASICS

Full Name: Samar “Sam” Victor Amin Age: twenty-six Birthday: April 20th, 1995 Zodiac Sign: Aries Occupation: Tattoo Shop Assistant at Tatt’s All Length of Time in Crescent Harbor: all his life Neighborhood: Goldfinch Valley, currently resides in @lilywhittaker’s house Hometown: Crescent Harbor, Washington Nationality: American, his mother was from France originally, his father is of Indian descent Sexuality: Bisexual Relationship Status: Single, not looking Qualities: creative, loyal, fearless, passionate, playful Flaws: impulsive, hot-headed, reckless, selfish, withdrawn MBTI: ENFP-T “The Turbulent Campaigner” Moral Alignment: Chaotic Good Enneagram: Type 7 “The Enthusiast”

Y’all have met my sweet son John, get ready to meet my chaos son Sam! He’s a little careless and broody sometimes but usually a pretty chill guy with a lot of trauma to unpack – or in his case, to keep locked away forever because what even are emotions. He’s doing his best to find his purpose in life but as the son of a influential founding family heir that seems easier said than done.

THE FAMILY SITUATION

tw: death, armed robbery

Sam was born into an influential founding family of Crescent Harbor and has never really left the town, aside from a few trips to France to see his mother’s side of the family and go on vacations. That stopped when his mother was killed in a rather tragic event, an armed robbery that had never been resolved. While his father, Rohan Amin, has never had a very loving relationship with his sons, always a little absent and therefore distant, he’s tried his best to keep the family together but sometimes it seems like you can’t fix what’s already been broken into pieces for years and years before. When it comes down to it, Sam cares about his father and half-brother but he doesn’t like to show it - whether that’s due to the fact that he blames his dad for his mothers sudden passing or he feels like they remind him of her too much is something he’s still trying to work out himself.

THE LOOKS

Faceclaim: Avan Jogia Height: 5'8’’ Hair Color/Length: dark and wavy, usually worn long or tied up in a messy bun when it bothers him. Facial Hair: Sam thinks he looks like a baby when he’s clean shaven so he usually sports as much stubble as he can. Eyes: brown Complexion: clear, warm undertones, usually has dark circles under his eyes due to not sleeping much Body: Athletic. While Sam can be terribly lazy, he usually moves around town quite a bit. Whether he’s skating or riding his boke, he’s pretty active that way. Style: Sam doesn’t really care about whatever “rules” there might be to fashion. He wears what he likes and thinks is fun, even if it doesn’t match the occasion. He likes to shop second hand and isn’t scared of things that seem a little too out there to be worn by anyone really - he likes to take a risk, even if it doesn’t feel like it to him. Some might call his style eccentric, he just calls it his own. Smells Like: Cigarette smoke, energy drinks and clean out of the shower - unless you meet him out and about skating on a hot summer’s day. In that case, sorry in advance.

THE STORY

tw: death, armed robbery

Sam was born and raised in Crescent Harbor and doesn’t really know anything else.

He gets out to Seattle quite a bit to party or just a change of scenery but other than that, he rarely ventures further away.

He wants to get out of the town so badly but at the same time not badly enough to actively work on finding a way out, as in he likes to talk shit about the town and its people but it is his home at the end of the day and he’ll get defensive (don’t ask me)

Even though he’d have the funds to move out (thanks Sam’s dad!), he hasn’t yet, mostly because his father isn’t home most of the time anyways and it allows Samar to stick around comfortably. He’s working on getting a place for himself though, preferably with roommates because he hates being alone with his thoughts for even a second but also can’t stand being around his father, despite the fact that he’s not even doing anything bad but my boy just doesn’t like being told what to do and he has nothing to say to him as their relationship is a little rocky

That’s mostly because he assumes that his father has some questionable ties to businesses all across the country and Sam is convinced that his side hustles have something to do with the fatal armed robbery in which his mother lost her life

He never asked his dad about it, so he can’t know for sure - his father’s also not a bad person just terrible distant and overwhelmed with the fact that he suddenly had to raise his two boys on his own.

Sam misses his mother every single day and suffers from her loss, though he rarely talks about it if at all. He only has a few people he talks to about it - but most of the time, he’ll gloss over it.

Sam also has a half-brother he’s got a kind of rocky relationship with but ultimately, he’d do anything for him! (this is an open connection *wink-nudge*)

Deep down he cares deeply about the people close to him but has a hard time showing them or letting them know. He’s trying though and even though he’s moody and has a hard time with grey areas, Sam tries not to see the world in black and white all the time

He’s very sociable and kind when he has to be, he likes being around people unless he wants to lock himself away for days on end just to sulk. Sometimes he’ll pick fights but not as much as he used to - that’s the only aspect in life where he mellowed out though.

Even though he was a horrible student, Samar likes learning new skills and is good at a lot of them, even if he doesn’t quite realize. He likes to skate, play the guitar, sometimes he even writes random lyrics, sketches or reads, though he’s usually too restless for that and sticks to the more active hobbies he has.

Sadly, he’s not exactly scared of getting into trouble still. His carelessness often gets in the way when he’s taking the concept of Hedonism a little too far which leaves him with making reckless decisions that he doesn’t really regret – to him it’s all about learning from his experiences. Or not learning anything from them at all which usually ends up in a repetition of that same mistake in an endless loop.

He’s aware of his privilege but also tends to get a little too into the “woe is me” zone occasionally. He appreciates it when he gets snapped out of it though.

He is also pretty generous, since he doesn’t really care about money, even if it doesn’t seem that way. If you need money or someone to buy you a drink? Sam’s your guy and he’ll do it, no questions asked.

All in all he’s a good guy who’s really just trying to figure himself out and wants to find a place for him in the world in the midst of all the chaos but so far, he’s not been too lucky.

I’m currently working on a connections page but if you’d like to plot or connect him with your muses, just throw your ideas at me and we can figure something out!

I’m also currently reworking his bio a little to tweak some things. Until then, you can find his rather outdated one here and some more musings here. 💕

#crescent:intro #( intro. )#( muse. )#( about. )#// i'm working through my muses intros to give them a lil update don't mind me <3

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lothioriien · 4 years

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richie tozier and his zoomer teen: headcanons

A/N: I tried keeping this as gender neutral as possible, but idk it’s a lil implied that the kid’s a girl. i’m trying to learn how to write gender neutral stuff :”)

By teenager, I mean around 16-17! High school age!!

Enjoy!

Sometime in the early 2000s, famous comedian Richard Tozier went to a party and came home with a woman.

oh yeah they deffo got it on that night

But that was a one night stand kind of thing, and Richie didn’t have any contact with her until about a year later.

He got up the couch one early evening to the ringing of his doorbell, and found a basket and a bag filled with baby food, diapers, and clothes perched on his doorstep

And in the basket? A small child, an apology note from the mother, and a birth certificate with his name listed as the father.

Oh boy did his life completely change after that.

It was him and the child, against the world.

but let’s skip the details on him struggling to take care of an infant first and move on a bit to when the kid’s older.

You, of course, are the baby that was left on his doorstep, and Richie tried to be the best father he could be despite his touring career as a comedian.

He’d bring you to the shows, even if you didn’t understand a thing that went on, though eventually when you’d help him write some material when you were older.

Constantly touring with him as a kid meant you were homeschooled. But that didn’t stop you from having a social life. You’d be friends with a lot of his fellow comedians, and John Mulaney was your ultimate favorite friend of his.

you just loved the very tall and gangly twelve year old looking man named uncle john.

Your academic life though was not too bad. You’re pretty intelligent, but when it came to maths, oh boy.

As a kid, you’d ask Richie constantly about math. He’d hate the school curriculum you had because math was different back when he was younger. He’d always help you, but it was mostly the internet just teaching you both.

You’d introduce him to vines (through iconic vine compilation videos), but mostly because he was so confused with this new language you were speaking.

Eventually he’d say some vines back to you and it’d come off so weird cause he’s a 40 year old white dad. You love him, nonetheless, and appreciate the effort

A lot of your instagram stories or snapchat stories are you filming him as you sing “You are my dad! You’re my dad! Boogie woogie woogie!”

He found it cute at first, where he would smile at you hiding behind your phone and hug you after cause dang he loves his kid so much and would die for you

then later, he’s evidently so annoyed because you do it constantly. As in he takes off his glasses, puts his head in his hands and just sighs so loudly.

When tiktok became the new vine, you were on the app every single day, making it a goal of yours to become tiktok famous.

You’d force your dad to do tiktoks with you

“I love my daddy. he is my superhero”

“Famous relative check!”

BUT THE PERFECT AUDIO

“Don’t look at me like that.” “YOU’RE MY DAD. BOOGIEWOOGIEWOOGIE!”

Gaining some clout because he is a pretty famous comedian 👀

Saying “ok boomer” to him when he’d annoy you

But then he’d clap back by being like “What the fuck Y/N. I was born in 1976, i’m not that old.”

“Yeah but sometimes you think like a boomer.”

“Ok, zoomer.”

“Dad. No. Get out.”

He’s really chill with you swearing. You definitely got that habit from him.

“What the actual fuck, Richard.”

“At least have the fucking decency to call me dad, Y/N.”

He got you into video games at a young age. Every time there was a new console or a new interesting game out, you’d both be up early to go out and get the said console/game.

And in each game you’d play, there would be hilarious commentary.

it’s basically that video with bill hader playing god of war with conan but imagine that and a zoomer’s feral energy combined.

He also got you into becoming a cinephile. Though unlike him, you read the books before watching the movie.

Marathoning a bunch of tv series together and you can never watch any new episode without him. Friday nights were reserved especially for it.

Richie can’t fucking cook for the life of him. Growing up, it was always take out, pizza, instant noodles, or mac and cheese.

He tried learning how to cook, he really did. But it was just so bad that eventually you’d learn how to do it. Then you’d try to teach him how too.

But did he get better as a cook?? Not really.

He once accidentaly set almost the whole kitchen on fire when he tried making pasta when you were 15.

“DAD, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUT WATER IN THE POT FOR PASTA.”

“HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT? I JUST WANTED TO DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOU!”

“I APPRECIATE THE GESTURE BUT PLEASE DON’T EVER TRY TO COOK AGAIN.”

The following morning, he got up and learned how to make pancakes with sausages, bacon, and eggs.

It was damn good, and by far the best thing he ever made.

So his pancakes became a regular thing.

On casual dinner nights at home, he’d let you have a drink with him and be drinking buddies. He taught you how to drink and be safe with drinks (cause we stan a protective father amirite)

Speaking of protective father, he’d be so picky and open about the people you’d date

“Really Y/N? That person? They’re fucking trash and you know it. You deserve better, sweetie.”

“But dad. They’re hot.”

“That’s still a no from me, kiddo.”

Having the most random, yet somehow meaningful conversations with Richie, yet roasting him at the same time.

“Y/N, do you think I would be classified as a papi by people.”

“No. You still wear hawaiian shirts over a t-shirt. You’re too tacky for that. You’re a papa, not a papi.”

But somehow, you also adopt his fashion style?

Cause hawaiian shirts are pretty cool? Very John Deacon ala 80s aesthetic?

And then he roasts you back from the time you called him tacky.

“Respect the drip, Richard.”

Even though you always poke fun at each other, you guys are actually so open with each other and just talk about anything and everything.

Oh no when you first got your period, he was panicking and nearly bought the entire aisle of pads and tampons because he was so clueless

Meeting the Losers Club was exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time. You didn’t know what to expect of them or what they’d expect from you.

You clung to your dad the whole time, watching him reunite with his childhood friends. Each one of them had a look of surprise and confusion the moment they laid their eyes on you.

They found you to be like a mini-me of Richie, as both of you were clad in printed/hawaiian shirts and glasses.

“Jeez, Richie. Why’d you decide to bring a fucking clone of yourself?” asked Eddie.

“That’s my kid, you dumbass! Eddie, this is Y/N.”

“No shit, you have a kid! You got married, dipshit?”

“No, uh, it’s just them and me.”

You decided to butt in jokingly, “Joe was in the picture for a while too,”

“Joe? Who the fuck is Joe?” The minute Eddie asked this, Richie knew what was coming next.

“Joe mama.” Thus receving a high five from your father and a groan from Eddie.

at first, everyone else would not believe Richie ‘Trashmouth’ Tozier had his very own kid, but the minute you started to get comfortable and joke around, it really clicked for them.

“There’s no doubt they’re Richie’s kid. Look at them! They’re basically a carbon copy of him!” Eddie would have exclaimed.

You‘re very liberal and open-minded, supporting the LGBT+ community and such, but you didn’t really know Richie’s stance on it.

Perhaps it was because he’d been surpressing his feelings for a specific boy from his childhood for almost his entire life, and he didn’t really talk about that topic so much.

But when you saw the chemistry between your dad and Uncle Eds, you sensed a little something there on both ends.

always saying a specific vine under your breath when you see them “two bros, chilling in a hot tub, five feet apart cause they’re not gay” (thank you to for this hc)

OKAY UNCLE EDS LIVES IN THIS AND HE’S DEFFO A BIG PART OF YOUR LIFE AFTER ONE SPECIAL TRIP TO DERRY, MAINE.

You’d say the vine so much, Richie eventually heard it and pulled you aside.

“Y/N, I- how did you know?”

“Know what dad?”

It took a little while for him to come up with the proper words to say. How was he gonna break this to you?

“Y/N..honey, I’ve had feelings for your Uncle Eds ever since we were kids. I-i don’t know, it really scared me as a kid to feel that way so I never talked about it. I guess what I’m trying to say is, kiddo, I’m gay.”

“Huh? I thought you were American?”

the man was basically on the verge of tears. He was so tense, he almost forgot to breathe. But the moment you hugged him and told him that it’s okay, that you love him so much, and that you’re so proud of him, he wrapped you in the biggest bear hug and cried. You cried too.

A/N: Imma end it here for now :)

So sorry it took forever!! I hope you enjoyed!!

Let me know if you want a part 2! 🤪

#richie tozier #bill hader #richie tozier x zoomer reader #richie tozier headcanons #richie tozier x reader #bill hader imagine #finn wolfhard #it #it movie #it 2017 #it chapter two #richie tozier imagine #eddie kaspbrak #eddie kaspbrak imagine #reddie #reddie imagine #reddie headcanons #james ransone

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lastmtfhrtupdate · 3 years

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Purpose of this is to explain why I won’t be sharing my personal mtf hrt updates Anymore. Also to share my personal experience with this process publicly in as much detail as I am comfortable with.

It has gotten really complex for multiple reasons.

disclaimer: this is my personal experience. I am changing my prescription, I may eventually stop and adopt alternative methods.

First the reason I begun male-to-female hormone replacement therapy is what has been identified as dysphoria by myself and a doctor and needed to be treated medically because it has a very negative effect on my mood and would make it hard for me to do my days to say the least.

What I intended to achieve through medical HRT is what I categorized as physical, psychological and social.

Basically all I had do is shave or wear a mask and the public would be like ”hey madame” prior to medical HRT. I preferred this perception of me. To be perceived and treated like a “woman“ when meeting people for the first and only time. And because I often interact with new people every single day in person I preferred this. Once I introduce myself to you I may say “they/she, preferably they” and ask you to call me Lulu or Ayra and eventually anyone will understand that I prefer ultimately to Be treated and perceived as Lulu/Ayra and not so much a woman or a man.. I‘ve often chosen the allusion of a “woman” while in public around strangers because from experience I am approached how I expect to be approached more than if I am perceived as a man. My Hormones and chemically after test results were done by the doctor I was collaborating with, it was proven that I have significantly more estrogen in me than the average male And so this would support why the main reason I choose a to be perceived and treated as a “woman” over a “man” is overall driven by my inner emotions and feelings..

Psychologically I understand that due to my predominant natural hormone levels, I was CONSISTENTLY conflicted by thoughts and motives that i understand as male hormone driven and the thoughts and motives that were driven by female hormones. I finally felt true relief from this after beginning medical hrt. This was probably the main thing I was looking forward to and it was/is the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I have the ability to act without hesitation, siding with actions motivated by a balance of dominant female hormones is how I understand this. Genetically and even socially my immediate family has short tempers and as a result I’ve been conflicted with this temperament driven by male hormone dominance I believe that I’ve managed to suppress better and better but it has always been an insecurity of me and I always feel like shit when I do suppress it, I would always move to routines and coping methods that would just not let me get heated over things and nothing ever seemed to work, I always had to go out of my way and use extra energy to calm myself down and this would often isolate and demobilize me. Similarly, libido and sex drive=up there and stuck there and most people don’t mind it but I did and I actually prefer not having such a high sex drive because it distracts me from focusing and carrying out tasks I set out for myself. (Disclaimer: Ive worked to translate this energy in a way that works for me but the fact that I know I have it in me still and if I slip I’m a hoe again would haunt me 😩) So I’m very happy with the *irreversible* effects my medication has had on me with my sex drive. The high bull like testosterone temper Is reversible however. HOWEVER, the mindstate and the brain power to dominate that is forever engraved in my brain. Hard to explain but it’s one of my favorite new powers.

Physically my blemishes and weight and face has been a huge insecurity for me.

Face: I look like my dad. My relationship with my dad is poor. While over 3 weeks or so into my HRT therapy, I had to call/out my dad for literally everything he did and didn’t do for me. It made me not hate him. It made me not hate resembling him so much anymore. I mean he‘s very good looking but it’s that association that had me fucked up And tortured me all of my life. I also called my Brother who also looks exactly like our father and explained this exact thing to him and explained to him that this was part of the reason I want these hormones to do their due deals on this mug. but I don’t feel like that anymore as strongly and all thanks to my mindstate while on HRT.

Blemishes: the way I understand it is because of my hormone levels, I would often break out. Hormonal acne, it’s nothing severe and maybe nothing like you’ll find if you Google it. But I still have a mild form of this. If I stress in anyway I will break out and they often don’t last long but its always cause I know my blemishes are because I have stressed..it would give me anxiety. my mind doesn’t like to see blemishes and know like aww my body was hurting Even though I know that’s natural. Medications I am on completely erased this event from even happening but unfortunately it is still reversible and i Am still too young that it will just naturally stop. BUT I am more confident than ever that i will be more in control of my hormone levels even with lowering my medical HRT prescriptions and potentially eventually coming off of it. I will make lifestyle changes, proceed with routines I picked up during HRT and continue comfortable and especially beneficial thought processes and problem solving.

Weight/shape: GIRLLL. Like. Skinny and minnie and toned like a mfcker. Not a huge issue because I admire my body and think it looks good. I’ve accepted that my metabolism is just too genetically high for me to gain weight anytime soon. my body wants to be skin and muscle and athletic. I like to be athletic. i like my body to be strong to support me during my activities as someone who is super athletic. Hormones got right to work adding fat to my face exactly where I wanted it, to my waist, chest, thighs, ass, arms, back. My gawd. BUT it was also breaking down my muscle too much and had me like hmm.. I don’t know if I’ll appreciate this. I let my doctor know I am super athletic, I want a prescription That will be kind to me on the muscle and bones. He let me know that the medication I have access too and just the results of feminizing medications is that they break down that tense muscle and things. This gave me anxiety. There are trans people in olympics killing it but we aren’t built the same and immediately I felt the weakening effects of the medication on my body with concern to my sports and activities and this did not help my mental health. Anyone that knows me knows high activity and sports is my main shit and the mentally and physiological effects my medication had on this important part of my life really hurt me and i am hoping that altering my prescription can help this.

i know that this HRT will have lasting effects And already have had so many LITERALLY life saving effects on me because I 100% reached out to my trans auntie out of desperation to put me through this process because I was at a breaking point. I am overwhelmed with how positive this experience has been for me.

To get exactly to the point, I do not trust these doctors enough to accept a collaboration with them for longterm. I do not trust the medication I am on or the medication that is available *to me* enough to accept the medical treatment part of this long term as it is. As a disclaimer: there are so many combinations and types of medications and ways to take them. Super duper disclaimer, one of the important parts of my body that helps to detoxify the medications that I am on is genetically not that strong. This is very personal and it really forces me to appreciate like hell my access to HRT and get the most from it. As far as medical HRT, like I’ve already mentioned publicly i will proceed to find the most effective and safest alternatives for me as I need them. That I dont mind sharing but with all this as a preface because I do not want to sway anyone needing HRT to reconsider based off my own personal experiences. The beauty of hormone therapy is that it’s modular enough to meet the expectations of so many unique people cause we’re all built different and it’s no shade.

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qqueenofhades · 4 years

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Top 3 things I loved about Deus Vult: 1. All the historical and cultural details and how neatly they tied into and elevated the story, without it feeling like heavy handed exposition or scoring points for accuracy. 2. How you showed how awful the crusades, and war in general, are, but without the sense of "hurr durr ye olden days were all terrible", but instead contrasting things like the time Yusuf spent with his mother, or their time together in Constantinople, versus what the crusades... 1/2

2/2... did to those places, and the people - the bit that really hit me was the introduction to Phil, and his propensity for screaming like he's never been fed in his life, and then seeing him lying in the street - that hurt bruh. 3. The whole idea, best exemplified in Nicky & Quynh's conversation that hundreds of years of pain and loss and heartbreak don't have to turn you into a grimdark (tm) angsty tool, but instead it's an endless series of chances to do the right thing...

3/2 And even if that right thing isn't guiding humanity to this wonderful utopia, but just standing up for what is good and right, and speaking for them as has no voices. But yeah, whole thing was incredible and I really really loved it and thanks for writing it

Ahaha, I did change the title slightly, to Deo Volente, as a commenter kindly reminded me that (because they ruin everything) white supremacists and the alt-right have co-opted the other version of the phrase for their Nazi crusades fantasia, and I obviously did not want any confusion or misunderstanding with that. “Deo volente” means the same thing in Latin, just a slightly different version of the phrase (”God willing” vs “God wills it.”) So yes, sigh. White supremacists: still the worst.

Anyway, I’m so happy that you enjoyed it so much, and this comment is delightful to me because it picks up on many of the things that I personally enjoyed about this fic (as I said, possibly the most self-indulgent thing I’ve ever written). I’ve had so many lovely comments on AO3 raving over the history, that either they knew some of it already or they’re learning so much of it, and as an early career academic who’s struggling with the job market and feeling useless that I currently can’t do professionally what I’m good at: really,you have NO IDEA how much it truly warms my heart to have people tell me that I’m teaching them something real and valuable (and in the course of gay historical romance enemies to lovers Feelings, which we all have to admit has to be a pretty painless way to do it?) Obviously, anybody who has spent two seconds on my blog knows that I have Strong Opinions on the “hurr durr ye olden days were all terrible” thing, and there was never any chance that was happening. Instead, I very much wanted to do exactly as you say: creating these moments of beauty and wonder and magic, showing how happy they were in places like Constantinople, and then what the crusades ultimately did to those beautiful things, and how it got turned and twisted into something so awful (and frankly, was pretty awful to start with). Obviously this is VERY relevant to what’s going on right now, and the entire “War on Terror,” and.... yes. It’s very relevant to the arc and themes of the whole story and especially post-9/11.

(And yes, Phil. That whole latter third of the chapter during the sacking of Constantinople, as noted, just gives me a lot of emotions. It’s fine.)

And I ended up LOVING Nicky and Quynh’s relationship (and hurting myself deeply as a result). Obviously we never see them together in canon, we just hear Nicky (and Joe) explaining what happened to her, and that whole conversation is deeply poignant in that we KNOW what’s going to happen to Quynh. She’s going to face an even worse kind of totally dehumanizing and insanity-causing experience, she’s going to be put in the position of whether to completely turn her back on everything she loved and swear herself to revenge, and her expressing that fear that she wouldn’t be strong enough to resist that temptation, that she might BECOME a monster, is... ouch. (Where is my sequel goddammit I need the Quynh Reunion and the feelings not just with Andy but Nicky and Joe /gnaws own arm off.) And obviously Nicky being the world’s biggest romantic as usual and talking about how he didn’t even consider giving into revenge long-term because Joe was there, and he always knew that was worth more. In other news, I hate them.

ALSO YES, the idea that you CAN take pain and it can make you kinder, that we all have a choice as to how to respond to all the bad things happening around us (even if not on the same scale/long-term view as the immortals). We’ve all learned that by how utterly much of a shitshow 2020 is for everyone, and I think a lot about the lesson that, unlike every single Grimdark Fantasy (tm) and Macho Post Apocalyptic Fantasy Where Only The Strong Survive, we can become better even in the face of total darkness, and in fact, it’s the only way forward to any kind of future for anyone. The so-called “strong” are throwing fits over being forced to wear face masks in a pandemic and sitting on their hands while America descends into fascism, while in places like Portland, we have middle-aged mothers in bicycle helmets standing in a human chain to protect BLM protestors from the literal American Gestapo. So after Joe and Nicky try to fix everything permanently from on high with the Sixth Crusade, and then that doesn’t work, they have to reckon with the fact that like everyone else’s, their lives are going to be a series of choices, of small steps, of making things better where they can, and accepting that that will not be forever, rather than just doing it once and thinking that will work forever. They likewise can’t blame ordinary people for not living long enough to see the same things that they do, and they have to understand that they’ll see it crumble over and over, and still hold onto their goodness and desire to do the right thing, and.... yes.

They can’t just work with the kings and sultans and powerful people of the world and try to think that that’s the solution (as Nicky says during their conversation in Malta in chapter 5). They have to stand with the little people, the powerless, the people who aren’t going to get paid attention to in any of these wars, and do what they can, when they can, even in the face of total horror (as is the case with Joe in chapter 6). I really LOVE the movie (and love it more with every rewatch) for so totally demolishing the idea that a) superheroes can only Fix Big Things and b) that being kind even in the smallest and anonymous ways doesn’t ultimately matter. Because it DOES. We’ve all justifiably bagged on Marvel for totally giving into hollow CGI spectacle rather than any kind of authentic conflict that feels personal and constant manufactured conflict between the characters, and on GOT for “everyone is secretly awful and no good deed goes unpunished,” and I really, truly love the fact that the core message of The Old Guard is to do good for the most vulnerable among us, and that it DOES make a difference. Because there are so, so many of the usual tired tropes and cliches that they could have done, and they didn’t. It’s optimistic and hopeful and makes a statement about moral good without being saccharine; it doesn’t feel like we’re being force-fed some Disneyfied version of good and evil, but rather that the good can exist with, and ultimately overcome, even the worst evil. So that was a theme I also wanted to explore in the fic, with both the beauty and the pain, and obviously I also emotioned over that.

Just. Gah. Anyway. I had feelings about that story. Thanks for giving me a chance to talk about some of them.

#the old guard meta #tobsjpalfrey #ask #dvla asks

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purplesurveys · 3 years

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1149

What is your age? 22, but there’s less than a month to go before I turn 23.

What annoys you? Literally every single person who still supports the government at this point. For context, we are back to square one and we’re under the exact same quarantine imposed in March 2020 because of the surge in cases. Nothing has changed and nothing has been done in the last 365 days while people are getting hungrier and poorer. I’m done feeling hopeful for this country and I cannot wait to abandon it forever.

Do you have any allergies? Apparently, grass. Can’t be exposed to it for too long otherwise the skin on my thighs turn red and occasionally even get rashes.

Do you know anyone named Billy? Kind of, but they’re girls with their name spelled as Billie.

When is your birthday? April 21st and spending it in quarantine once again this year...

Who is your best friend(s)? Angela and Andi.

What's your favorite candy? I like gummy bears and worms. As for sweets, I really like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Butterfinger, Twix, and the Hershey’s Cookies and Creme bar.

When was the last time you cried? Maybe a day or two ago while watching a snippet from Caught in Providence.

Have you been out of the country? Yes.

Do you daydream? Not so much these days. I’ve been better at keeping my focus at work.

What's your favorite kind of dog? I love alllllll dogs, but I’d usually be wary of smaller dogs because 87% of the times I’ve met some, they’re aggressive or a bit moody. I don’t like stereotyping dogs as much as possible but because I’ve had direct experiences to back it up anyway, *shrug*

What day of the week is it? It’s a Sunday.

How do you like your eggs? Scrambled, poached, or an omelette with lots of fillings. Balut is also great.

Have you ever been in the emergency room? Only when I was born, I’m guessing.

What's the easiest thing ever to do? Idk, what comes easy to me might not be the same for others. But my answer would be to smile, regardless if it were genuine or otherwise.

Have you ever flown in a plane? Yeah, many times. The child-like excitement I get whenever I get on one will probably never go away, either.

Do you use fly swatters? No, my mom usually uses old shoebox covers or rolled-up scratch papers we have lying around to swat them.

Have you ever used a foghorn?: Only in video games lol, never in real life.

Have you pet a goat? I don’t think I have. I’ve pet lots of animals before but I don’t think a goat has been one of them yet.

Are you a giver or a taker? Giver, but I’ve been allowing myself to take more these days.

Do you like gummy candies? Love them.

How are you? We’ve entered summer weather now, so I feel hot and miserable. It’s also Sunday and I am stuck at home, which doesn’t make me the happiest camper.

What's your height? 5′1″ or a tiny tiny tiny bit taller than that.

What color is your hair? It’s black but on extremely rare occasions I’ll catch a single light brown strand when I play with my hair.

What's your favorite ice cream? Cookies and cream and chocolate chip cookie dough. My friend Leigh actually started her own ice cream shop recently and I bought her coffee crumble ice cream, and it is sooooooooo fuckinggggggggg good??????? It’s so rare to find coffee ice cream where I live period, so I’m fucking stoked to have a close friend who makes literally the best one and in generous servings too.

Have you ever ice skated? Many times as a kid. I was never formally trained, but it was something I wanted to try from watching other kids play in mall ice skating rinks; and when I did give it a shot, I ended up enjoying it. Luckily my mom was encouraging and actually frequently dropped me off at a rink so I can practice gliding and all for a few hours while she ran errands.

Have you cheated the IRS? That’s like an American tax thingy, right? We don’t have that here and my employer handles my TIN.

What's your favorite jelly bean? Not a big fan but if I had to have Jelly Belly, I obviously would want to get the pleasant-tasting ones.

Do you tell jokes? Yes.

Do you wear nice jewelry? Only on special occasions.

Do you want to kill anybody? I don’t want to kill anybody but I certainly wish a good number of public officials would finally die.

Do you want to have kids? Yes. I really wish I could still have a future with them. Thanks for the trauma, my real asshole of an ex.

Where did you have kindergarten? Somewhere.

Are you laidback? I doubt my friends would use this to describe me. I for sure lean more towards the uptight side of the spectrum.

Do you lie? Eh, occasionally.

When is the last time you sent a hand-written letter? I have no idea. Christmas 2019 maybe?

Ever talked in a microphone? Sure. Many times.

Do you still watch Disney Movies? I very rarely get in the mood for them if I’m by myself, but yes, I’d gladly sit down and watch should an opportunity come.

Do you like mangoes? No.

Do you have a nickname? 99% of people call me Robyn while my family calls me Byn, but there are a select few friends who’ve stayed long enough with me to catch other names I’ve gotten over the years, which have since become inside jokes/nicknames. There’s Reben and Rolayn, and literally just yesterday ‘Roby’ happened when I ordered food for lunch so that will probably catch on as well.

What’s your favorite number? 4.

Do you prefer night over day? Absolutely.

Are you an only child? No, I’m two siblings away from that status.

Do you wish this was over? I haven’t felt that way, no.

What is the closet orange object near you? An orange tumbler my Kuya gave me as a Christmas gift in 2019. There is also orange tape wrapped around the charger adaptor of my company laptop.

What one fear are you most paranoid about? Waking up in the middle of surgery and being unable to speak nor move.

Do you play any instruments? Nope.

Do you think you are pretty? Some days.

Are you quick to judge people? No, unless they are already blatantly showing their character like being rude towards service staff, tossing their trash to the ground, or cutting in queues. Whenever those things happen I give myself the space and freedom to guiltlessly judge.

What do you keep quiet about? How dysfunctional my family really is, and the things I really want to say about Gabie.

Do you have any quirks? Food-wise, I like peeling off the breading from fried chicken and placing them on the side of my plate so I can eat them last, because they’re my favorite part.

What’s a good reason to cry? Frustration. Crying can be really helpful in lessening stress.

Do you think you're always right? No.

Do you watch reality TV? Not religiously, but I love watching snippets of reality shows on Facebook because they’re all so embarrassing and it’s hilarious to watch hahahahah. Literally last night I was watching clips of Big Ed on 90 Day Fiance.

Are you a social person? More so now than I was years ago.

What states have you lived in? I lived in Manila briefly but it didn’t take long till we transferred to another city for a more peaceful life in the suburbs.

What is your favorite season? I wanna say winter because of what I’ve seen from it in movies and shows, but I’ve never actually experienced it before.

When did you last sleep in a tent? Sometime in March or April last year.

Do you like tomatoes? Mostly in diced form. Tomato sauce is fine but I don’t really like it in my pasta. Bloody Mary also tastes rather awful.

What time did you wake up? 8:30 AM.

Do you have an umbrella in your car? I think so, yeah. I finally placed one in there lmao.

Do listen to Usher? Eh, not really. 2000s R&B isn’t my thing, save for Beyoncé.

Describe the underwear your wearing? It’s light blue.

What’s the worst veggie? I never learned to like pechay. I’d still eat it, but only because I like cleaning up my entire plate.

Do you like movies with violence? Some. Like I hate action movies but I enjoyed A Clockwork Orange and Scream lol.

Where do you want to go on vacation? I recently bookmarked an Airbnb in Zambales and the accommodation is basically this super cute line of tipi-styled huts by the beach. I'd love to have a solo trip push through once this Covid mess subsides.

Ever been on a wave runner? No.

Where do you work? I work in a PR company.

Do you wish on stars? Just sometimes.

Have you ever had an x-ray? Only for mandatory medical exams.

Do you own a xylophone? I think I had a toy one as a kid, but it’s not with me anymore.

Have you watched the x-games? No, not interested.

What did you do yesterday? I stayed at home; ordered food for Angela as a surprise; debated if I should buy a pair of Air Maxes – and ultimately decided I’ve already spent too much this month to deserve a new pair of shows lol; and just settled to buy a new night lamp for my bedroom. I also watched the newest episode of 2 Days 1 Night and ate more of Leigh’s ice cream while doing work.

Do you like the color yellow? Only in mustard yellow. I also like the song Yellow, heh.

What year were you born?: 1998.

Do you believe in the zodiac? No.

Has your bank account been at zero? No. I remember when I was first opening my own account at the bank and the clerk told me to make sure I don’t go below P2,000, and my intensely by-the-book ass has been following the rule ever since, even though my dad has told me it’s absolutely fine to go below it so long as I have P2,000 back in the account after a month hahaha.

Ever been to the zoo? A few.

#survey #surveys

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artificialqueens · 5 years

Text

First Day Of My Life (Trixya) - Sinatra

A/N: Songfic, titled and based around the song First Day Of My Life by Bright Eyes. I use Brian for Trixie and Katya for Katya to keep from confusion. Pronouns change from whether they're in drag, but mostly it is either mentioned/implied, or isn't very important. Also, sorry if the formatting or spaces are a bit screwed, I'm not used to submitting on Tumblr mobile or on Tumblr at all. Enjoy!

This is the first day of my life,

Swear I was born right in the doorway.

Trixie remembers sauntering through those bright doors, insecure and making a faux-play at confidence all the while. Seeing that face, just for the first time. Nothing was brought on that first encounter, besides the fact that Katya, that was her name, made her feel so much more insecure due to her beauty.

I went out in the rain and then everything

changed,

They're spreading blankets on the beach.

Elimination was something that was inevitable, that was something Trixie learned much too early on. But there was always a sense of security in it; If she was going to make a fool of herself for national television, might as well make them feel as if her time was due. There's no comfort in a second, or sorry, 10th, place. But keeping up a false hope always seemed corny to her.

Yours was the first face that I saw,

I think I was blind before I met you.

In the midst of the controlled chaos, Brian saw far too much when he wasn't in the outfit that helped him shut it out. It started with jokes only they would laugh at in the workroom, vents and stresses. And then before he knew it, he packed his things and left. As Trixie was approaching the back of the main stage, ready to make the final impression, her eyes caught to Katya's. Only a shocked face was caked behind all the makeup, and Trixie couldn't blame her. There really were no hard feelings in it. It's all fine for now, no more stresses, no more vents, no more inside jokes. Dedragged the next day, Brian was emotionally empty, and he didnt know why. There were no bright white smiles in his life anymore, he guessed, and that would stay for a while. But a number placed in his makeup bag changed that; He'd just have to wait a little longer.

I don't know where I am, I don't know

where I've been,

But I,

Know where I want to go.

As the airing started, he was booked to the fucking max.

Booked to where he couldn't find a single empty space in his calendar.

And as much as it was comforting, it was draining, and he knew who to call just for that. So he did, a lot, almost every other day. Instead of waking up with headaches and sore feet and back, he got up, motivated, knowing at the end of all of this he'd get that call from Katya, who was coincidentally also Brian, (they had a good laugh at that). It ended his bad days, long shows and meet and greets with a smile, even if he was gross and made crude jokes just to get a laugh out of him at night.

And so I thought I'd let you know,

That these things take forever,

I especially am slow.

It was when he was staying with Katya, a few years after they had met. Best friends, beyond best. It's humorous looking back, seeing how frank and bold the situation, or Katya, was. It was a simple ask to fuck, and though Brian was tempted in the most disgusting way, he couldn't let what they have sink over an impulse. Laughs and no's, they carried on until the next encounters that got weird, and Brian just wanted to keep things in control. Thats just how he was.

But I realized that I need you,

and I wondered if I could

come home.

It was a bad night. Everyone had them, no one wants them, and no one wants to go through them alone. Grabby people, shouts of drunken people. It got to the point where he got heckled, fucking heckled on the street when he wasn't fully dedragged and he decided to just walk the small way home after changing his wig and heels. Random people threatening, chasing, him running, locking the door two times over and sitting on the couch with the only available weapon next to him. He was shaking violently, and the only person he wanted to call had no hope of response. But he called anyway, letting the rhythmic dial tones almost calm him until he heard a pause and a, "Hey, whats up?" amongst booming club music somewhere in the background. Explaining the situation was the last thing he wanted to do as it was fresh, but when Katya heard the shakiness in his voice, and the almost-crying panic, he had to.

And Katya helped.

So much.

I remember the time you drove all night,

Just to meet me in the morning.

And I thought it was strange, you said

everything changed.

You felt as if you just woke up.

It was no place any friend wanted to be in when your friend said they'd drive hours to your stupid apartment just to make sure you're okay. It's the ultimate guilt, ultimate "I'm okay, I swear. If you come up here I swear to god..". But if Brian was convinced Katya didn't have a followthrough with something, he wasn't now. Hours later, still wired with panic, his head shot up to a jingle of the front door trying to be opened, and then a knock. He couldn't feel his god damn skin he was so freaked out. But he knew the outcome of opening the door wouldn't be dangerous mere moments later when he remembered their conversation. With a shaky step, he unlocked his door, and opened. There stood Katya, with still a small fading black liner around his eyes. His grin shone brighter than the rising sun in his living room after no sleep.

"Thank you." He said, after Katya let himself in and promptly wrapped his arms around the taller man in a gentle hug. He couldn't not cry. He was dramatic, and even if there was no harm, his night- no, day, became so much better then.

And you said,

"This is the first day of my life,

I'm glad I didn't die before I met you.

But now I don't care, I could go anywhere

with you,

And I'd probably be happy."

Years pass after their encounters and soothing patterns on Brian's back just to get him to fall asleep. They're successful, and together so often Brian's feelings have almost stopped bubbling at the edge before they spill. There's always the reassurance, for both of them, that they're there for eachother no matter what. Being on tour together was another odd component of closeness, because unlike being near acquaintances, it didn't feel as if Brian was being suffocated or he was wearing thin with the constant interaction. It was easy, almost too easy to be with Katya.

So if you wanna be with me,

with these things there's no telling,

we just have to wait and see.

But I'd rather be working for a paycheck,

Than waiting to win the lottery.

"You do know we have separate rooms right.." Brian said with a light laugh afterwards. Katya was sprawled out horizontally on his bed, with Brian on his phone watching as Katya did the same and hummed to himself. He laughed and nodded, looking over to the other man. "It's no fun. And I'd be texting you from the other room anyway." Brian simply sighed, not out of annoyance or a need to be alone, just to fill the air because he was right. "Well can you at least sit on my bed like a normal person?... And not perform gymnastics for your Instagram stories?" Brian laughed harder as Katya's leg came up and peeked behind his head on the screen of his phone as he filmed. "Mama, this is a deep stretch rou-TINE!" As the laughter died down Katya let out a, "Y'know what, yeah." and got up to crawl over next to Brian in his bed. Brian smiled and rested his head on Katya's shoulder, just appreciating his company even if he's had an abundance of it over these months. He saw Katya position his camera to take a selfie of them both and Brian just laughed at the sheer cheesiness of it. Katya sported a grin next to the meek smiling Brian, and he captioned the story, '3 year anniversary with my beloved wife! Honeymoon bound.' along with the location of the major city they were in. Brian laughed, "Please send that to me."

Moments later, they were in a comfortable silence, and within minutes they were just cuddling together as Brian watched what Katya was doing on his phone out of sheer boredom. "I love you." Brian said as almost a small nothing now, and Katya smiled and said, "I know." Brian knew the response he'd give, and he was satisfied. "Cunt." He giggled, letting them both ease into a fit of laughs, with Katya looking at him earnestly only centimeters away. It always got to him how good Katya looked out of drag, made him almost as insecure as when he saw him in drag in the workroom the first day he saw his face. There didn't need to be any non-drag kisses to solidify whatever this was, which was a bit sad on his part, but his feelings were so strong sometimes he gets blinded. There truly was no appropriate way to show his appreciation. So there they were, staring mindlessly at eachother with a hint of a smile on both of their faces. "Can I kiss you?" Katya said as he always did. Brian of course chuckled and nodded, and it happened sincerely. Not heated, not masked. Eyes just slipped shut gently, just as gentle as the kiss. It was long, and it didn't change. Maybe the emotion he put in it will do for now, because he couldn't imagine finding words after they pulled apart. And he couldn't find any words. Just a strong tugging at his heart, not so much bitter as it was dying to be heard. But he didn't allow anything to become of it as he put his face back into the crook of Katya's neck and exhaled, closing his eyes and letting the sleep approach him slowly, and then all at once.

Besides, maybe this time is different

I mean, I really think you like me.

#rpdr fanfiction #trixie mattel #katya zamolodchikova #trixya #fluff #angst #hurt/comfort #song fic #canon compliant #sinatra #concrit welcome

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richincolor · 5 years

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With 2018 coming to a close, it’s time to kick off our end of the year lists! Here are eight of Audrey’s favorite books that came out this year (in no particular order):

Undead Girl Gang by Lily Anderson Razorbill || Audrey’s Review

Mila Flores and her best friend Riley have always been inseparable. There’s not much excitement in their small town of Cross Creek, so Mila and Riley make their own fun, devoting most of their time to Riley’s favorite activity: amateur witchcraft.

So when Riley and two Fairmont Academy mean girls die under suspicious circumstances, Mila refuses to believe everyone’s explanation that her BFF was involved in a suicide pact. Instead, armed with a tube of lip gloss and an ancient grimoire, Mila does the unthinkable to uncover the truth: she brings the girls back to life.

Unfortunately, Riley, June, and Dayton have no recollection of their murders, but they do have unfinished business to attend to. Now, with only seven days until the spell wears off and the girls return to their graves, Mila must wrangle the distracted group of undead teens and work fast to discover their murderer…before the killer strikes again.

Dread Nation by Justina Ireland Balzer + Bray || Group Discussion

Jane McKeene was born two days before the dead began to walk the battlefields of Gettysburg and Chancellorsville—derailing the War Between the States and changing America forever. In this new nation, safety for all depends on the work of a few, and laws like the Native and Negro Reeducation Act require certain children attend combat schools to learn to put down the dead. But there are also opportunities—and Jane is studying to become an Attendant, trained in both weaponry and etiquette to protect the well-to-do. It’s a chance for a better life for Negro girls like Jane. After all, not even being the daughter of a wealthy white Southern woman could save her from society’s expectations.

But that’s not a life Jane wants. Almost finished with her education at Miss Preston’s School of Combat in Baltimore, Jane is set on returning to her Kentucky home and doesn’t pay much mind to the politics of the eastern cities, with their talk of returning America to the glory of its days before the dead rose. But when families around Baltimore County begin to go missing, Jane is caught in the middle of a conspiracy, one that finds her in a desperate fight for her life against some powerful enemies. And the restless dead, it would seem, are the least of her problems.

From Twinkle, with Love by Sandhya Menon Simon Pulse || Audrey’s Review

Aspiring filmmaker and wallflower Twinkle Mehra has stories she wants to tell and universes she wants to explore, if only the world would listen. So when fellow film geek Sahil Roy approaches her to direct a movie for the upcoming Summer Festival, Twinkle is all over it. The chance to publicly showcase her voice as a director? Dream come true. The fact that it gets her closer to her longtime crush, Neil Roy—a.k.a. Sahil’s twin brother? Dream come true x 2.

When mystery man “N” begins emailing her, Twinkle is sure it’s Neil, finally ready to begin their happily-ever-after. The only slightly inconvenient problem is that, in the course of movie-making, she’s fallen madly in love with the irresistibly adorkable Sahil.

Twinkle soon realizes that resistance is futile: The romance she’s got is not the one she’s scripted. But will it be enough?

Told through the letters Twinkle writes to her favorite female filmmakers, From Twinkle, with Love navigates big truths about friendship, family, and the unexpected places love can find you.

Isle of Blood and Stone by Makiia Lucier Houghton Mifflin Harcourt || K. Imani’s Review

Ulises asked, “How can I look at these maps, see this riddle, and do nothing? They are my brothers.”

Elias reached across the table and flicked aside two shells with a fingertip. The map curled into itself. “It’s bound to be a goose chase. You know that?”

“Or a treasure hunt,” Ulises countered, “and you’ve always been good at those.”

Nineteen-year-old Elias is a royal explorer, a skilled mapmaker, and the new king of del Mar’s oldest friend. Soon he will embark on the adventure of a lifetime, an expedition past the Strait of Cain and into uncharted waters. Nothing stands in his way…until a long-ago tragedy creeps back into the light, threatening all he holds dear.

The people of St. John del Mar have never recovered from the loss of their boy princes, kidnapped eighteen years ago, both presumed dead. But when two maps surface, each bearing the same hidden riddle, troubling questions arise. What really happened to the young heirs? And why do the maps appear to be drawn by Lord Antoni, Elias’s father, who vanished on that same fateful day? With the king’s beautiful cousin by his side—whether he wants her there or not—Elias will race to solve the riddle of the princes. He will have to use his wits and guard his back. Because some truths are better left buried…and an unknown enemy stalks his every turn.

The Poet X by Elizabeth Acevedo HarperTeen || Audrey’s Review

A young girl in Harlem discovers slam poetry as a way to understand her mother’s religion and her own relationship to the world. Debut novel of renowned slam poet Elizabeth Acevedo.

Xiomara Batista feels unheard and unable to hide in her Harlem neighborhood. Ever since her body grew into curves, she has learned to let her fists and her fierceness do the talking.

But Xiomara has plenty she wants to say, and she pours all her frustration and passion onto the pages of a leather notebook, reciting the words to herself like prayers—especially after she catches feelings for a boy in her bio class named Aman, who her family can never know about. With Mami’s determination to force her daughter to obey the laws of the church, Xiomara understands that her thoughts are best kept to herself.

So when she is invited to join her school’s slam poetry club, she doesn’t know how she could ever attend without her mami finding out, much less speak her words out loud. But still, she can’t stop thinking about performing her poems.

Because in the face of a world that may not want to hear her, Xiomara refuses to be silent.

Let’s Talk About Love by Claire Kann Swoon Reads || Audrey’s Review

Alice had her whole summer planned. Non-stop all-you-can-eat buffets while marathoning her favorite TV shows (best friends totally included) with the smallest dash of adulting–working at the library to pay her share of the rent. The only thing missing from her perfect plan? Her girlfriend (who ended things when Alice confessed she’s asexual). Alice is done with dating–no thank you, do not pass go, stick a fork in her, done.

But then Alice meets Takumi and she can’t stop thinking about him or the rom com-grade romance feels she did not ask for (uncertainty, butterflies, and swoons, oh my!).

When her blissful summer takes an unexpected turn, and Takumi becomes her knight with a shiny library employee badge (close enough), Alice has to decide if she’s willing to risk their friendship for a love that might not be reciprocated—or understood.

Blanca & Roja by Anna-Marie McLemore Feiwel & Friends || Group Discussion

The biggest lie of all is the story you think you already know.

The del Cisne girls have never just been sisters; they’re also rivals, Blanca as obedient and graceful as Roja is vicious and manipulative. They know that, because of a generations-old spell, their family is bound to a bevy of swans deep in the woods. They know that, one day, the swans will pull them into a dangerous game that will leave one of them a girl, and trap the other in the body of a swan.

But when two local boys become drawn into the game, the swans’ spell intertwines with the strange and unpredictable magic lacing the woods, and all four of their fates depend on facing truths that could either save or destroy them. Blanca & Roja is the captivating story of sisters, friendship, love, hatred, and the price we pay to protect our hearts.

Shadow of the Fox by Julie Kagawa Harlequin Teen || Audrey’s Review

One thousand years ago, the great Kami Dragon was summoned to grant a single terrible wish—and the land of Iwagoto was plunged into an age of darkness and chaos.

Now, for whoever holds the Scroll of a Thousand Prayers, a new wish will be granted. A new age is about to dawn.

Raised by monks in the isolated Silent Winds temple, Yumeko has trained all her life to hide her yokai nature. Half kitsune, half human, her skill with illusion is matched only by her penchant for mischief. Until the day her home is burned to the ground, her adoptive family is brutally slain and she is forced to flee for her life with the temple’s greatest treasure—one part of the ancient scroll.

There are many who would claim the dragon’s wish for their own. Kage Tatsumi, a mysterious samurai of the Shadow Clan, is one such hunter, under orders to retrieve the scroll…at any cost. Fate brings Kage and Yumeko together. With a promise to lead him to the scroll, an uneasy alliance is formed, offering Yumeko her best hope for survival. But he seeks what she has hidden away, and her deception could ultimately tear them both apart.

With an army of demons at her heels and the unlikeliest of allies at her side, Yumeko’s secrets are more than a matter of life or death. They are the key to the fate of the world itself.

#we need diverse books #WeNeedDiverseBooks #young adult books

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angioponder · 5 years

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ultimately walking

Fandom: VIXX OT6 (Platonic/Friendship) Genre/Warnings: humor, crack, fluff Word count: 1556w

author’s note: also on AO3 (@angioponder) hb to my cuppycake.<3 hope this brought a smile to your lovely face. being your best friend and roommate over the years made me so happy. thanks for letting me love you with gifts like this. i miss you lots!

list of the songs referenced are at the end. enjoy~

Hakyeon awoke due to someone beating harshly on the door of his brand new apartment. He feigned sleep in hopes that whoever was outside would leave, thinking the flat to be empty. But after a pause of silence, the banging only came back louder and harder.

A barely open, one-eyed peek at the phone he dragged out from under his pillow told him it was ten in the morning—quite a bit later than he usually got up due to all the unpacking he had to do the night before.

Wondering who it could be, he begrudgingly left the comfort of his warm bed, lugging the sheets over and around his body as he tried very hard to send messages from his brain to his foot to move in front of the other, and vice versa. At some point, it didn't really matter how he got to the door, as long as he could keep himself upright and moving forward to open the damn thing and send whoever interrupted his sleep far, far away.

When Hakyeon reached his destination, he leaned—more like ungracefully banged his forehead due to sleep deprivation—against the door to peer through the peephole. As soon as his eyes adjusted to see past the lens properly, he threw his sheets off to the side and practically ripped open the door to reveal his bandmates standing out in the hallway. Now fully awake, he was about to hug them all happily for following through with visiting him in his new home, but that died when he saw how visibly apprehensive they were.

“What? What what is it? What?” Hakyeon did a sweep across all of them really quickly.

Taekwoon was sporting coffee stains on his white sweater, Jaehwan was holding Special K under one arm and a bowl of milk in the other, Hongbin was wearing that god-awful green scarf that made him look like your gossipy neighborhood auntie, Wonshik was sleep-standing until he woke himself up with a snore, and Sanghyuk was, well, he was big. So, really nothing out of the ordinary.

Hakyeon relaxed a smidgen, crossing off the possibility of them being physically harmed in some fashion. Something was still off, but he couldn’t figure it out at the moment. He pointedly looked at Taekwoon, who was chewing on his pale fingers.

“I take it you you're not here to visit your most favorite hyung just because you realized your undying love for him and miss him very, very much ever since he moved out.”

“Well…y-yeah?”

“Oh, honestly!” Hakyeon mocked a shocked gasp, “Humor me a little bit more than that. I'm hurt.”

“Yes! I mean yes! Definitely all that—yes, yes but also,” Taekwoon glanced to his side at the other four who have a mixed array of emotions on their faces, all their lips held tight in a line. “I don’t really know what happened but,” he seemed like he was trying to come up with an explanation but settled with, “something’s wrong with them.”

“O-kay?” Hakyeon tilted his head. “Something’s always wrong with them, but I have a really bad feeling that’s not it.”

Taekwoon clapped his palm over Jaehwan's general face without missing a beat. Unsurprisingly, Wonshik did the same to Hongbin and Sanghyuk, reducing whatever retort all of them were making into muffles. When it looked like their protests directed to Hakyeon were over, Taekwoon and Wonshik retracted their hands.

“It’s not the usual thing this time just—” Taekwoon shoved them all forward towards the doorway, “we might want to be indoors for this.”

Everyone shuffled inside towards the bare living room, past the stacks of empty boxes that have been tetris-arranged inside of each other. It was a good thing too, Hakyeon thought as he watched them try to fit themselves on his couch in vain, limbs spilling over the armrests and all over the carpet on the livingroom floor of his one bedroom apartment.

“So, what’s this about?”

Nobody replied. Taekwoon nudged Hongbin with his elbow and pointed his chin towards Hakyeon. Hongbin sighed deeply then opened his mouth.

“I'm singin' in the rain,” he sang with heavy dread, “Just singin' in the rain. What a glorious feeling,” he drawled in disdain, “I'm happy again.” The whole room watched Hongbin continue his song as he dragged his body listlessly around, with a few half-hearted heel clicks here and there. By the end of his… performance of sorts, Hongbin was clenching his whole body in what one could only describe as mortifying agony. Jaehwan and Sanghyuk was, laughing at him, as is expected.

“That was… a great rendition,” Hakyeon clapped slowly, hesitantly. “So… what I got from that was Hongbin’s been practicing for a musical he got casted in, and he wants my feedback? Well, I’d say you need to fix your face a little. You look incredibly sour for someone who’s supposed to be happy after a great date with your lover.”

“No, no, you don’t get it,” Taekwoon tried, “he’s—”

“—running for his life, from Shia LaBeouf!” Wonshik launched himself off the couch and burst into song. “He’s brandishing a knife, it's Shia LaBeouf! Lurking in the shadows,” he bellowed, “Hollywood superstar Shia LaBeouf!”

“ …What? Is going on?” Hakyeon shivered as Wonshik, wide eyed and distressed, climbed on top of the coffee table and proceeded to bust out some very dramatic, interpretive dance moves. “What’s happeni—Wonshik are you biting my thigh!?”

“That’s what I’m trying to figure out! Ever since you left, it comes out like this whenever they try and speak as if—”

“If you were gay,” Jaehwan chimed in harmoniously, “that'd be okay. I mean 'cause, hey!” he pranced on over to Taekwoon, “I'd like you a-ny-way. Because you see,” he locked arms with him, “If it were me! I would feel free to say that I was gay, but I'm not gay!”

Taekwoon pried himself out of Jaehwan’s tight grasp and tried to cling on to Hakyeon while confetti and glitter magically rained down on them—wait what?

“They won’t respond in anything but singing and dancing,” Taekwoon said, “I even looked up their symptoms on the interne—”

“The internet is for porn!” Sanghyuk sang enthusiastically. “The internet is for porn! Why do you think the net was born? Porn! Porn! Porn!”

“You're joking, right?” Hakyeon said as Sanghyuk continued screaming porn repeatedly while holding his hands in a recitation handclasp and bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet to the melody in his head. “Taekwoon, come on. This can't be serious.”

Then out of nowhere, Jaehwan, Wonshik and Hongbin—almost escalatory and frantically so—resumed singing and dancing their own respective songs on top of each other in a jumbled mess, all at the same time.

Hakyeon was starting to feel slightly delirious.

“I seriously think they're cursed or something, Hakyeon.” Taekwoon said as chaos ensued right before their eyes. “Wonshik wouldn’t be doing all of this out of his own volition, especially not Hongbin,” he commented as they watched all the self-loathing radiate from Hongbin’s body. “Though I'm not sure I can say the same for Jaehwan and Sanghyuk.”

While that seemed to be true, Hakyeon couldn't ignore the red tiredness under their swollen eyes. Maybe something actually happened, then.

“So, what now?”

“Come home,” Taekwoon said, trying not to make too much eye contact, “with us?”

With us. Hakyeon paused. Come home.

His eyes drifted next to Taekwoon, where a group photo from the night of their debut five years ago was hanging—the only decorative item on display in the whole apartment aside from his favorite family portrait.

“You think it might ‘break the curse’ they're under?”

Taekwoon looked at him with those eyes and shrugged. “Worth a try.”

Truth is, watching them take up what was once a large amount of space in his one bedroom flat made him feel almost suffocated, that is, if it he didn't adore them all so, so much. But it was a familiar, loving type of suffocating, where it was difficult to not feel loved when it surrounded him from corner to corner. Moving out was such a bittersweet thing. Hakyeon may not necessarily enjoy every single moment of living together, but he does miss them—all the time.

Real curse or not, he’d do anything for them at the end of the day. Unfortunately for him, he wouldn’t be able to leave them die in a ditch, even if he tried. And they’d do the same for him, probably.

“Fine,” Hakyeon groaned. “I'll pack enough for the weekend and go.” He stomped into his unmade bedroom, pretending to be irritated. “I must be cursed to be bonded with you all forever.”

On Sunday night, the main door of their dorm finally shut after saying goodbye for roughly an hour, leaving the living room a little colder and quieter than it was. Jaehwan, Wonshik, Hongbin and Sanghyuk turned to Taekwoon.

“Should we play pretend again so hyung will come back and stay over next weekend?”

“Or, or maybe play it up a little more so we can extend it to weekdays too?”

“No, no we might make it too obvious!”

“Hyung can be dense as a humidifier, what are you talking about?”

“Yeah, I miss him too.” Taekwoon shook his head and laughed to himself. “Now go research more musicals for next week.”

author’s note:

a wee bit late but we realized it was april fool's yesterday right before posting this ahahahaha so fitting!

Singing in the Rain by Gene Kelly Shia LaBeouf by Rob Cantor If You Were Gay by Avenue Q The Internet is for Porn by Avenue Q

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