#i am just so so tired of keeping myself alive! can't someone else do it for a change? or better yet kill me?? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jellyfishsthings · 9 months

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Warnings: um smut... wrap it before you tap it, piv, fem!reader, academical rivals to lovers, probably the filthiest thing I have ever written... if you know me, no you don't

Part 1 , Part 3

Things since last week haven't changed much. Remus and I still had our rivalry going stronger than ever. Especially after the hallway incident, which ended up with him having a large red handprint on his cheek, indicating a really strong slap. In my defense, he was getting close. Ever since we haven't stopped arguing with each other, until…

"I can't work with her."

"It's impossible to work with him."

As quickly as the words left our mouths, we sharply turned to glare at each other. Completely missing Professor's McGonagall proud look.

"You are working together on this project. And you will present to me the best project in the class because you are both Perfects and have to give the right example. I don't care about whether you like each other or not."

Seething I exit the room with a newfound speed, and Remus closely follows behind my heels.

"Can you just slow down a bit?" He asks, and I instantly stop walking, turning towards him, waiting impatiently to hear what he has to say. "She's right, you know. We have to make this fucking project as perfect as possible. So I think we should call a truce." He slowly proposes as if this will simply fix our problems. I stare at him blankly, and I see his nostrils flaring. "Look. I don't like this either, ok? But I need the grade, and if it were someone else, I would just make the project myself. But since it's you … if we work together we could… We are at the top of every class for a reason. Just…." His voice eventually gives up.

"Fine," I say, "meet me at the library at 7. We have a lot of research to do"

This was how I found myself meeting with my all-time rival every day in the library for two months. The insults never stopped flying from one to the other, but surprisingly, we made a good team, and the project was almost finished. We are now accustomed to each other and our habits. Like Remus… when he read something for a really long time, he would remove his glasses and rub his eyes and his nose, smoothing it out after being scrunched up. Or when we got tired, he would share his chocolates to boost our morals and energies.

Many comments have been floating around the halls."How long until they fuck it out?", "God, he could eat her alive, for what she said to him.","He must be really smitten with her for putting up with her." ... Well, you got the gist of it.

Now, as I was getting ready for bed, a thought occurred. We never looked in the secluded area for any useful information. So, I put on my slippers and headed towards the library once again.

I slowly walk down the hallways, trying to get past Flinch. The great mahogany walls of the library greet me with a loud groan. I grab one of the oil lanterns that rest on the librarian's desk and head towards the restricted section. I find books related to the project and start reading them. Keeping notes under the candlelit room.

I could be reading for hours or mere minutes when I hear footsteps. I quickly blow out the flame and hide in the darkest spot I can find between the bookcases. As the sound of footsteps comes closer my breathing turns faster and more panicky. Good God I am going to get caught? Am I going to get detention? What am I going to do?

That's when I feel a hand close around my mouth. Silencing me. Wait …what? Silencing me? A familiar scent fills my nostrils.

"Stay quiet or else we are going to get caught." He whispers in my ear. His Welsh accent dripped like honey, his voice raspy and almost deathly quiet. Heat pools in my core as a dream resurfaces in my brain. "Stay quiet or else we are going to get caught." He says as he pounds into me while he has my hips in a tight grip, guiding back and forth.

As I snap out of my trance, I push his hand harshly off me. "What the hell are you doing here?", I whisper-yell at him.

"What the hell are you doing here?", he fires back. We stare at each other with our eyes slitted as we both breath heavily.

"How did you even know I was here?", I ask him accusingly, even though I have been caught in the act.

"The marauders map." He answers back easily as if that answer would ring a bell and not cause more questions.

"The what ?"

"I think he is gone."

"Oh really?"

"Why do you like to test me, woman?"

"Possibly because of your super nice personality or better yet because you're a prick."

He just returned the favor with a wolfish grin, notice the irony.

"Why are you smiling?" I snap at him.

"Oh because you are so nicely close to me and you haven't uttered a word about that." Just as the words leave his mouth I feel my cheeks heat. Jesus why am I blushing? At least he can't see it. "And yes I can see you blushing"

How did he…? Is he a mind reader?

"Also I am no mind reader, i just know you that well." His face is dangerously close now. The empty, now, library is ominously quiet and I can almost feel our breaths echo in the room. There is no escape, is there? His mouth is almost atop of mine, his breath fanning my face.

"Gosh why are you like this? Why must you test me until I snap? Why do I love it so much?" He says as his lips crush into mine in a bruising kiss that steals my breath away. He manhandles me so that our chests are pressed together and I am promptly sitting in his lap, feeling a long hard cock press against my clad yet soaking wet pussy. Insults fly out of our mouths in-between every heated kiss.

"Punk"

"Jerk"

"Dickhead"

"Oh you are going to feel that soon."

"Bite me, Lupin."

"If you insist."

We discard our clothes as fast as possible until he grabs hold of my thighs and he slams me on the flat surface of the bookcase.

Right opposite the window, it's so dark outside that our reflections fill my eyesight. His scarred, white freckled back in contrast with my tanned legs, due to all the sun exposure, that are wrapped around his waist and my arms in his shoulders. One of my hands is buried deep in his brown curled hair that is now buried in my neck leaving bites and hickeys as he bites, laps and sucks, leaving permanent marks behind his trail. While the other scratches his back, as my legs draw back and my back arches.

Horrified gasps sound in the room, mixing with my moans and his groans. My eyes open immediately, leaving their half hooded state, searching the room for intruders but not finding anyone until…. Of course, the portraits. Great I am about to get royally fucked by Remus Lupin and not only will I have to live with the memory of it but now the portraits saw what we were doing, I was catastrophically doomed, I laugh at the thought.

And Remus leaves his task and draws slightly back, enough for him to keep impossibly close but still be able to see my face.

"I love your laugh. And I absolutely hate the fact that I am not the one causing it. But that is going to change. Everything is going to change from now on, you bellend." The breath is being knocked out of my lungs. "And now I am going to fuck you. I reckon you are wet enough so as not to hurt." He says as his fingers play with my clit. "I would say you are quite drenched actually. You know I have been thinking of this, dreaming it even. Fucking you hard and deep, until you are nothing more that a brainless brat." Gasps and moans are his only answers.

"Thank God you seem to like that because I don't think I can hold back any more." He seals these words with a kiss as he enters me in one fluid motion until he is balls deep. Our mouths are open now as we try to catch our breaths and I stare at his eyes, trying to find the familiar mischievous dark green that haunted my every thought. His forehead dropped to mine as he started to move inside me at an insane pace. His balls are slapping against my clit as he hits all the right spots.

My back arches and my head falls back as my eyes close. I feel one of his hands slide up my back and rest somewhere between my ribs, commanding me to stay in place as I feel…. No this can't be right. My gaze moves to the window and what I see almost brings me right over the edge right there and then. His head is buried in my chest hiding all the toying he is doing at my breasts, paying extra attention to my nipples. Marking them up too.

"God I wish I could mark up our thighs and pussy too but that will have to wait."

"Remus, you prick, how dare you…" I say in a breathless voice my insult is lost in all the pleasure I am feeling.

"Yes, how dare I make you feel all this pleasure. Huh?" He mouths in my chest as he has his lips wrapped around one of my tits.

"I am close" I whimper

"I know, sweetheart. Let go for me. I've gotcha."

I don't know what actually sent me over the edge. The nickname, the command, reassurance, a mixture of all of them? Well whatever it was it rocked my world. I never thought an orgasm could last that long or be so powerful. It was literally dripping down my thighs to his and then falling to the ground. Embarrassingly so. He had finished too. His face was buried in my chest trying to catch our breaths.

He turns to look at me, smirking. Oh no. I already know what he is going to say. And I won't be able to say no.

"Ready for round two?"

words: 1.741

#remus lupin #remus lupin x fem!reader #remus lupin x reader #remus x reader #remus x you #remus lupin smut #remus lupin fluff

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darkphoenix07 · 7 months

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Elixir of🕸️Death (J.W.)

A vampire series by @darkphoenix07

Mental health requests

Masterlist

Paring : Wooyoung x Reader

Genre : Dark Romance, Fantasy, Tragedy

Song suggestion 🎶 : Round and Round by Heize, War of hearts by Ruelle and Shameless by Camila

Warning: Mentions of blood, Violence, Degradation, Death, Mention of suicide, Mention of self harm, Mention of death, Suicidal FL. Synopsis: When the girl who doesn't have any will to live meets the demon whose only wish to slaughter humans. "How will it help me if I drain your blood right now when I can use you anyway I want to?" - Jung Wooyoung

🍷"To the people who craves comfort and single reason to keep themselves alive" 🍷

Chapter 1

"I wasn't in the depth until I met you

Then you drown me saying I am shallow

Maybe I went deeper then

Hoping to meet you again"

He keeps wondering why he is watching you drown instead of going home. He keeps staring at the little glimpse of your body going under. It's dark even though he can see you. What's worse is that your eyes are open now but you are not fighting or screaming to help you. You are going with the depth.

"I am going to kill you with my own hands," he says before jumping in the river.

You see him swimming to get you moving the water around him. It's dark but his eyes are glowing in the dark river. It's easily understandable whose eyes those are.

You feel a pair of hands pulling your hands and your body landing on a chest while your hair keeps floating in the water, playing with the little waves.

Then he pulls himself up with you in his arms like you were meant to fit here.

He moves fast inside his house and places you on the couch first. But you have lost your senses again because of how cold the water was and how long you were inside.

He starts pressing your chest, "Wake up, I am not done with you yet."

He keeps pressing but seeing you not responding at all, he gets scared.

"I am not going to drown you ever again so get up human. Why are you so fragile?"

Suddenly your body jerks off and you start coughing water.

"Thank christ," Wooyoung says falling beside you watching you coughing still.

You look at him feeling annoyed, "Why the fuck did you bring me up?"

"I just saved your life. Don't you have any gratitude?"

"You are the person who threw me, didn't you? Why didn't you let me stay there?"

"What?"

"Why did you save me?"

"Because you can't die yet," he says with rage in his voice.

"You are not supposed to tell me that. You were supposed to drain me. What happened to that?"

"I am not your servant. Care about your language or else it will get dirty," he says gritting his teeth as he speaks.

"Let me go or else I will kill you myself," you tell him as a warning though you know you can't.

"You have warm blood in your vessels. Do you think that can kill a cold one? What do you take me for?"

"An asshole!" You scream getting up.

"I will taste you death again and again until you can't take it anymore. Then I will bury you alive," he tells you when he is almost an inch away from me.

"It won't taste bitter when I have already tasted it," you are freezing because of your wet clothes but you don't want to look weak in front of him. So you try not to stammer.

"It wi-what?"

He catches you words and you look away realizing what you said. You promised yourself to keep all these a secret but here you are again letting it out in front of someone you don't even know very well.

"Just fuck off and let me do whatever I want to do, moron."

"I would be careful choosing my words if I were you," he says but this time his voice is calm again.

You look him in the eye, "I am tired of choosing my words. I have no reason to choose my words in front of you."

"Enough of your disgraceful words. Go upstairs and change your clothes or I will do it for you. I am positive that it will not be suitable for you."

"My clothes, my wish. Go to hell," you stand up and start to walk but you feel light headed as you haven't healed from his earlier blood sucking.

You almost fall but he grabs your arms making you lean on his chest, "Look at you being half dead already."

"Let me finish the other half, I beg you," you tell him staring at him. You don't understand why he looks finer than before standing there like a sculpture.

"Change your clothes, I'll keep one in your room," he says and you stand up.

"Don't order me around. Your words mean nothing to me," you say walking away from him.

You don't understand what you are doing being with him. Maybe you want to go home now and leave this hell. But then you wonder which is worse kind of hell.

After a couple of hours, Wooyoung finds you looking outside the window sitting on his bed. You don't know yet that you are in his room. You only know he has kept you here so it was your only place.

"I have told you to do something," He says and you look at him holding an ancient kind of dress. It's a gothic gown with chiffon fabric, the sleeves are loose and twisted around the elbow area, it's long but maybe slitted.

You wonder how he found this out in this century. It's like a halloween costume of a evil witch.

"Human, if you do not obey me then I might make you drink poison slowly so you do not die at once. Only suffer slowly and very painfully," he says and throws the gown on his bed.

"Can you just leave me alone?"

You are shivering from cold but you don't want to dress up. You want to be in this dress and finish it at once.

"Dress up and wash yourself with warm water or else you'll die a painful death," he says looking furious at you.

"If I am annoying you why don't you finish me off at once," you ask him while your teeth are gritting because of the cold wind outside.

"Because that won't give me pleasure. So, get inside the hot tub and get dressed," he says.

You look away wanting to avoid his glowing gaze but he suddenly appears in front of you making you fall on the bed.

"Trust me, human. I didn't want to do this," he says and the next thing you know is his hand on your stomach area ripping your dress apart staring at you.

"What the fuck is your problem!!!!" You scream realizing you ripped you dress revealing a bit too much skin of yours.

But he doesn't look at your body, he doesn't touch anything.

He only says, "I can make you do anything I want to. Don't take me for a play thing, Dead human. It will only cause you pain."

Before you can say anything, he disappears in a blink of your eyes. You keep lying there for a while realizing you mistake of coming here. But you don't understand why he is so obsessed with you. Why did he throw you in the river and why did he save you?

You slowly get up and take the dress still thinking about how he is treating you. He doesn't even hurt you. He screams at you when you are being hurtful towards you. It's not normal for a monster to take care of someone, is it?

Or he is taking care of his daily meal. Maybe that's why. Maybe he wants to use you. That is why he can't kill you.

You take a shower and put the dress. Something about the ribbons on the back of your dress is making you confused. You somehow tied them but they are making you feel uncomfortable.

You didn't want to worry anymore about your dress and so, you leave the room and find yourself in the corridor. You look down to see where he was and he was sitting by the fireplace reading a book looking mesmerizing as always.

It's weird how he treats you. He speaks about scaring you, torturing you. But he doesn't do any of these. He can take advantage of you and you won't even be able to escape his mansion. But he didn't even look at your bare stomach when he ripped your dress or touch your skin.

He only touched your bare skin when you made him so angry that he took your blood. But maybe you passed out too quickly that he didn't even finish draining you. He stopped midway.

What does he want from you?

"Stop staring at me and have your dinner. I have brought some warm food for you," his voice echoes in the hallway and your heart keeps thumping in your heart like a drum with his each words.

"I-I am coming," you don't know why but listening to him sounds like a good idea.

So you sit in the big dinning table for around twelve people and start eating. The food is so tasty that it melts in your mouth. You haven't been this much hungry for a long time and so you finish everything at once.

You don't even notice when he sits on the other side of the dinning table and keeps watching you eat like a madwoman.

As you drink water, you notice him by the corner of your eyes. You stop drinking water and look at him clearly.

"Why are you staring at me?" You ask.

"I am thinking how many days it will take for your body to make new blood so I can take from you again," he says intertwining his hands under his chin.

"You are serious about making me your meal," you tell him finally realizing that's what he wants from you.

"To be honest, I want to see you blood while I take your heart out but I do not understand why it is difficult for me," he says it like a normal thing, like he is talking about killing an insect.

It gives you shiver but you don't hate the idea either.

"I will be honored," you tell him smiling and suddenly see him beside your chair.

"Tell me, Human. How many times did you have the taste of death?" He asks you leaning towards.

"Why do you ask that?"

"Because that's the only reason you want to embarrass it like a loved one."

You think something inside you got hit by his words.

"Because that's the only reason you want to embarrass it like a loved one."

"Tell me, Human. I am a little curious," he asks you breaking your thoughts.

"Four times. First one wasn't bad but last one was."

"Did people save you?"

"Yes, saved my body."

"I saw your soul dead when you walked in my house," he says and looking up in his eyes starts making you feel hurt in your chest. You don't remember when was the last time you felt something like this.

"Tell me what else did you see?" Now you are curious about how he sees you or maybe how he sees through you without knowing about a thing.

"The cuts in your hands."

"Tell me something I don't see," you stand up still looking up at him.

"How desperately your body craves touch," his voice is warm ringing inside your ears.

"That's a lie."

It's a lie.

"How cold you not because of the weather but it's just you," he tells you.

"What else?"

"How beautiful those lips are and how you looked at mine a million of times by now."

"More."

"Your heart is making a hole inside your chest. It's deep, dirty and bleeding which I can not stop with any medicine."

"More."

"You don't want to die. You want to feel safe again inside your skin."

"Continue."

"You want to brush my lips with yours to melt my coldness with yours."

You grab his collar pulling him closer to you, "How do you know this?"

"Because I am feeling the same rage inside my dead heart."

You think your stomach feels bad but it's just his words giving you butterflies. It's like a zoo of them inside your stomach and your heart is another lose cause.

"Stay away from me," you push him away from you and start to walk but he stands in front of you.

"Deny it and I will leave you alone to die," he tells you and you grab your dress.

"I don't want you like that. You are a psychotic menace," you tell him and the corner of his mouth lifts up.

"Alright then. You have a little problem with the ribbons behind your back. Let me fix that first," he doesn't give you time to say anything. He reaches behind you and starts undoing the ribbons.

"Hold your dress or it might fall," he warns you and you grab it from your chest area.

When he finishes untying your ribbons, you feel his coldness on your bare back. You have stopped caring about him looking at your back. All you can care about is how painful it is to tolerate him near you while his fingers are grazing you slowly while he is tying the ribbons back.

"Stop squirming."

"I am not," your body is tensed and your shoulders are stiff. You don't know what to do at this point.

When he is at the end of the ribbon, he places his chin in the crook of your neck, "We can make an arrangement between us."

"What kind of arrangement?"

"I will give you death on the next month on this same day if you start giving me what I want."

You want to look back at him but he pulls you back making your back hit his chest.

"It depends on what you will want."

"I want your elixir and in exchange I will give you the elixir of death."

"Say it in normal English not ancient," your dark humor is making it worse but you can't help it.

"I want your body, I want you to obey me for one month and I will give you death right after one month," he says all these very calmly and your heart rate goes higher than before making your body freeze.

"What if I deny?"

"I will take you to your home and drop you safely. It's your choice now."

"You don't want to hurt me?"

"I have no reason to hurt you," he has millions of reasons but nothing makes him hurt you.

"What if I stop midway? What if I tell you I don't want it on some points?"

"I am a monster, Y/n but not that kind."

His words hit you more when he says your name for the first time.

"You want this too, don't you? A little adventure before you die?"

He asks you as he finishes tying the last ribbon.

You nod without telling anything and he smiles leaving you.

He switches in front of you and moves a strain of your hair from your forehead, "Then live for one month like you have always wanted to. I give you my word that I will do whatever you want me to do on this day right after one month and I will not do anything that will add into more of your trauma."

"Why are you doing this for me?"

"Trust me, Y/n. I have been there and it didn't end well. I am giving you a chance."

"Are you pitying me?"

"Do you think wanting to have sex with you is pitying you?"

You gulp hearing him, "No."

"Then? Who do you think I am doing this for?"

"For yourself, you selfish piece of-"

"I would like to add one more thing," he sighs, "Do not use your poor language when you speak in front of me."

"How do I know you won't break your promise?"

"Look at your hand and then mine. You will understand why."

You look down and see red glowing string around your ring finger connected to his. It gives you goosebumps, how warm your body suddenly feels.

"It's like an oath from me. If I break it, I will die an anonymous and painful death."

"You will be disappointed, I can assure you."

"Why would I he disappointed?"

"The hidden parts aren't as good as this," you show him your hand where you have cuts.

"I have seen worse than this. Do not pity yourself yet."

"Good for you."

"Now go upstairs and have some sleep. I will take you somewhere tomorrow."

"Alright," you tell him and start passing him slowly.

"Y/n."

You stop moving as he calls you. His voice sounded shaky but careful.

"There is something on your lips."

He appears in front of your once again and wipes a little bit of skin from your lips by his thumb.

Your lips so dry but your mouth gets watery watching him staring at your lips with so much delicacy.

He wants me, he wants me, he wants me.

Your mind becomes a mess but he doesn't even move towards you. He keeps brushing his thumb on your bottom lip.

"Don't you think it's gone?"

You ask him and he slowly says, "Yes, I think so," but he can't take his eyes off of your lips.

You part your lips open and his thumb slightly touches the inner side of your bottom lip making his thumb wet.

He leans over you pressing his thumb a little more inside your mouth touching your tongue, "Tell me Human, do you want elixir of heaven?"

You gulp not knowing what to do with your tongue as it's on fire right now.

But you nod slowly and he looks at you with a bitter smile that kicks you starting to weaken your knees.

He takes thumb out of your mouth and wraps his around your waist.

As he pulls you closer to his body, he whispers into your ear, "Are you strong enough to take me all night because I am a monster you know?"

He looks at you leaving you speechless while you reply,

"You sure are one."

Do you want me to continue? Please hype me 😭 or I else I'll feel like stopping here.

Spoiler of next chapter 🤙🖤

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itsaspectrumcomic · 3 months

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This is going to be long but i really want to tell someone the guilt is eating me alive and please feel free to ignore this

I have been suspecting I have adhd from the last six months now because many symptoms do match and some adhd tips help me out a lot

But since i don't have the family or support or finances(I am a minor ) to actually get to a doctor i can't really be sure and maybe i don't have it but since so many things do match i hope it's alright to rant here please please feel free to ignore this

My great grandfather passed away in November but it actually started in September when I got a fracture so I had to remain at home for a month and I am just a lazy person so ofc it was an excuse for me to like stop studying in August I had a big exam and it had went well but at that time i didn't think so

So yeah after a month of fracture comes October my extra classes and school and my innate phone addiction i do t study even tho I have a big exam that month again . I struggle with focus a lot and i just i don't know how to type it's it's so shameful but i just find every minor inconvenience to be an excuse. My mom is emotionally abusive maybeand homophobic or tough parenting but her words had started affecting me a lot .

Then in October end November start my grandfather passed away and it took an obvious toll on me and I don't think I am still over it and it amplified my phone addiction because he used to be in the room beside me so i wasn't ever fully alone even tho he was old and now that he is gone the silence is unnerving and i have to distract myself enough to sleep my October big exam already went to shit

And in December again I am not studying I can't study and my brain refuses to sit still and maybe I have a victim complex but things start to take a toll I start getting some suicidal thoughts which were only passive before but now active

Now from January everything is just the same I am still not able to study

I disappoint myse6and everyone no-one knows i cheat on my exams I just I am not a good person and i am lying to myself and everyone so much and YK the gifted kid thjnv I was a good kid and my mom keeps making comparisons and she says she would never have talked to me if i wasn't her daughter and i am so tired I want to get better but i just don't know how I have trouble sleeping I have trouble studying I can't do anything right i can't wake up in the morning i can't do anything right and I just want everything to end but I do not even deserve to put that pain on my parents and my exams are coming up and I just don't know how how do I do anything

Hello, I'm so sorry you're struggling so much. It sounds like you are and have been going through a lot and that's nothing to be ashamed of. Having trouble focusing or studying does not make you a bad person, and your mum absolutely should not be saying those things to you. You don't deserve that, I promise.

The truth is, losing a family member is hard, dealing with an injury is hard, dealing with emotional abuse is hard, and it takes time to work through things like that, so I'm not surprised you've been having a hard time with school on top of everything else.

It sounds like you could really do with some support. Is there someone you can talk to about how you've been feeling? A friend, a teacher, a counsellor, another authority figure you trust?

(Also if you talk to your teachers about how you're struggling to study, they might even be able to give you some extra help or lessons if you need it.)

Please try not to feel guilty or put so much pressure on yourself. It's ok not to be perfect even at the best of times. Thank you for being here ❤️

#ask #anon ask #adhd #exams #advice #tw depression #tw suicide mention #long post

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notmorbid · 11 months

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you made a fool of death... pt. 2.

dialogue prompts from you made a fool of death with your beauty by akwaeke emezi.

i didn't mean to trade war stories. i'm sorry.

i'm sorry for the hurt that lives in your heart.

i wish i could tell you it gets easier.

did you ever love again?

there's no such thing as an inappropriate question.

you don't mind being watched?

you always seem so alone.

i've never hidden who i am from you.

i'd like to think that we're becoming friends.

there are so many different types of love. different types of ways to stay committed.

this is the most bisexual conversation i've had in a long time.

you're being secretive, even for you.

we're friends first, right?

i didn't realize you were sappy like that.

of course you're on time when food's involved.

you look like a troublemaker.

it would be ridiculous to be jealous of a ghost.

there are moments that break timelines.

i have to lock up. for real, this time.

you look like you're about to assassinate someone.

something inside me just never stopped screaming.

when did hell freeze over? did i miss the memo?

you think i'd let someone else cook a dinner in my house?

i want to be someone i can recognize.

grief can feel like a lifetime of venom, spikes piercing through us.

what i really want to do is curl up in bed and cry.

no, i'm not awake. i'm sleep-talking.

i don't think i've ever seen you actually drunk.

you're lucky to have me, voice of reason and perspective.

if i keep moving, i won't have time to think.

there are some things that need to stay and die in last night.

you can put me down now.

when you held me, i thought i was going to break.

can't we just skip the talking part?

was it just a kiss for you?

i only ask one thing: don't lie to me.

i will hold anything you tell me with care. just please let it be the truth.

i don't know how to say what i want. it's like i've got all these voices yelling at me about how mad and fucked up it all is.

i'm terrified i'll say something and you'll look at me like i'm out of my mind.

i like being alone next to you. like our alones might walk side by side.

you are so generous with your heart.

you were like light. i couldn't help but turn my face to you, if i wanted to keep living.

i've spent a significant amount of time trying to change my feelings into something else, but i can't.

i am so tired of denying myself.

it's ridiculous how much i love watching you smile.

i can feel you staring, you know.

you okay? where did you go?

tell me what you're feeling. i'll take whatever it is, over you pushing me away.

i don't want to go back there. it feels like a place that could eat me alive if i did, even just by talking about it.

you have me for as long as you want, however much or as little as you want. i'm not going anywhere.

i have a hard time processing platonic affection.

you're messing with me. you've gotta be messing with me.

you know you can always just come home, right?

i guess 'messy and alive' is a good way to put it.

would you like to go on a walk? i have something to show you.

i've never done anything to hurt you, have i?

don't even say my name. keep it out of your mouth.

i want you to be okay, more than anything. tell me what you need.

i'm here. why are you trying to make me go away?

what will you do when you get tired of me?

i can still feel the shape of the hole left in my heart.

you're always so angry when you're in pain.

i'm here to take whatever spikes you throw at me, always. forever.

i appreciate your concern, but let me take care of myself. okay?

do what you gotta do to be happy.

this shit you want to know, it doesn't belong to you. it's not your business.

i love how you lean into grief and somehow use it to become even more alive.

i'm happy just to be with you, however you'll have me.

thank you for coming into my home.

#sentence starters #rp memes #rp meme #ask memes #inbox memes #romance meme

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danganronpasurvivoraskblog · 3 months

Note

Shuichi? I'm glad to see you finally giving Shirogane what she deserves, but I don't think I feel good about it, I don't know why, I'm supposed to be smiling about it, I'm supposed to be excited, to be happy, but I'm not! No matter how hard I try, I can't force myself to be happy about it

*sigh*

Ok...You will sit, and you will LISTEN...!

I get that you guys don't approve of me sparing her life like this. I understand you may think it's stupid, and gives way to much more chaos and death. After all, leaving Tsumugi alive invites only more chaos, right? That's what you think?

But I demand that you all just sit and think about it for a second...What DOES killing Shirogane even achieve in the end?

She'll go. That doesn't mean Zetsubou will! Even if their head is cut off, that's not going to destroy the work they've put in so far. Someone else will rise to the cause and fill the gap that she left, just like Shirogane herself did for Junko Enoshima...!

These Despairs...they're like seagulls who keep coming back for more food after getting a tiny nibble of your sandwich...! And simply killing them isn't going to FIX any of this! The world already got destroyed! Enoshima's death didn't fix that! TWO more Killing Games happened post-Enoshima because of her followers, and FIFTY-FREAKING-THREE happened in ours!

If you think that this is all part of a plan to get Shirogane to give up on her pointless dreams and seek redemption for her crimes...Pah...We all know that's not how she does things. The only reason I spared her is because her empire is falling around her, and now she's stuck being a blank-slate of a person, with no original ideas or schemes left to throw at us, knowing that taking our lives like she swears to, it won't take it all back, like I just said! For her? That's a fate WORSE than death!

Woah, hey, Shuichi...! Y-You ok?

And another thing!? Look at Enoshima! Look at Otonokoji! These Despair types defy death as a concept anyway! Let's say I DO kill Shirogane! How long do you think it'll be before she comes RIGHT THE FUCK BACK AGAIN to make us all EVEN MORE MISERABLE!?

The only thing that gets achieves if I decide to bite the bullet and take Shirogane's life is that...I become a murderer. And what's stopping me from running with that idea and slaughtering every bad guy I come across, even for petty reasons!? From becoming KURIPA!?

I would become the exact person that my real world self desired to become. When he signed up for all of this...this BULLSHIT! A sadistic murderous detective with a plan to kill everybody around him in an ingenious way...!

Shuichi, hold on-!

And you want to know what the most screwed up part of all of this is!? You guys want me to kill Shirogane because that's what YOU want! You want ME! The CHARACTER that you are watching, to enact justice! To side with Hope and destroy Despair! Sounds familiar, right? You know, that very idea that kept Danganronpa going a crapton of years!?

I am NOT going to give ANY fan of Danganronpa the SATISFACTION of watching me become a killer! Not my old self, not Shirogane, and NOT YOU! So hate me all you want for defying the expectations you set for me as a character! I am NOT your ENTERTAINMENT, DAMMIT!

SHUICHI!

...!?

I...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry I...I'm just so...sick...and tired of all of this...I stopped someone from dying...and yet inside, I feel like I murdered countless others...Do you know how hard it is to justify your own actions to a bunch of faceless, merciless members of an ask blog, who WANT your enemies to be slaughtered!?

...

Shuichi...I got a question for ya...Do you consider the real Ryoma Hoshi to be who I am now, or the person I was before all this happened?

...The Ryoma in front of me is the real one, of course.

Well, you should know this Ryoma killed a whole bunch of people out or rage and vengeance. And he lived every day of his life after regretting it, even when he got a second chance to live as a free man.

...You made the right choice. I guarantee you that.

If Shirogane DOES somehow come back to terrorize us again, all she'll be doing is coming back for another beating! Right?

...Yeah...Listen...I love you SO much...Don't EVER think of yourself as anything less than one of the greatest people that exists in this world...You don't deserve to go through this stress...

*Kaede gently presses her forehead against Shuichi's, embracing him warmly as tears stream down both their faces.

I love you too...I love all of you...I don't deserve any of your kindness...

*Everyone except Kokichi and Nico huddle around Shuichi for a hug.

#danganronpa survivor #danganronpa #danganronpa v3 #drv3 #shuichi saihara #kaede akamatsu #gonta gokuhara #kaito momota #kokichi ouma #tenko chabashira #ryoma hoshi #ask #the day the world stood still arc

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casinoownersigma · 2 months

Text

"Behind closed doors"

...yeah. This is a "The Confession of Ivan Goncharov" type of thing. Includes nausea/vomitting, nihilistc(?) views, suicidal thoughts, weight stuff, and overall disturbing things i guess! Sorry for this.

Written from his POV!!

"Why... am I alive?

I ask myself that question so much. Why am I alive? Why am I brought into existence and what is it I'm supposed to be doing? Am I supposed to be doing anything?

These kinds of things pop up in my head too often. I'll be doing paperwork or watching my customers gamble, and suddenly I wonder,

Why am I alive?

Why am I not dead yet?

I don't get it. I was just... put into existence. No past, no family, no friends. Just the clothes I had and my thoughts and feelings.

Everybody else has a purpose or a goal in life they want to achieve. Fyodor wants to rid the world of sin, Nikolai wants freedom, Bram wants... to sleep? It still counts. They all have it figured out.

All except me.

I don't know what I want. I want my customers to be safe, but that's about them. It's not about myself. It never is about myself. I worry myself sick for things that belong to me or are important to me, but I don't... care about myself at all. Not an ounce.

I wouldn't say I want to die. I keep myself alive. For my customers and for the casino... that's all I have. I wouldn't want people to grieve.

I wouldn't want them to grieve over a fraud.

But... if I think about it, I wouldn't mind if my life was cut short. If a car was about to run me over I don't know if I would move. I want to live- but I only do it for others. If I was truly alone and had nothing, then...

...

But that won't happen. It's all worth it. All the pain I go through is worth it.

But it hurts.

Sometimes the stress gets to me. Sometimes the exhaustion does, too. Sometimes I try cramping everything into my head and I forget. I hate it. I hate how my body has to be affected by the stress, too. I hate how I feel nauseous and sometimes end up throwing up because of it. I can't count how many times I had to pull myself together and clean up my messes so my workers don't worry about me. I can't count how many times I couldn't even clean anything because I ended up passing out due to my weak body.

Sometimes I don't want to take care of anything at all. I want to stay in bed and I want to rot away there. I want people to slowly forget about me so they don't have to worry. Sometimes I stay up all night doing nothing, and then the stress creeps up on me, but I'm still too tired. I'll get up and eat- but I always end up eating a lot when I'm stressed. I hate when that happens. Sometimes my anxiety makes my stomach churn and I lose my appetite. Only when I'm around people do I then realize how hungry I am. I end up losing weight without even trying.

I'm such a fraud. I'm just... pathetic. I'm not anything special, I'm just a mediocre man. What do people even see in me? My customers like a fake version of me. Something I constructed so people won't see me for the absolute pathetic excuse of a being I am. I have to keep it up.

I don't need help. Perfect people don't need help. I don't deserve help. I'll always be a dumb chess piece to mold and sculpt and use. Only 3 years have I lived and I've never felt safe in my entire life. I'll help others, of course- I'll have them cry on my shoulder, I'll listen, I'll comfort them.

I'll tell them words I need to hear myself.

I'll be sure to always say I'm fine if they ask. They don't need to know the truth. I have to make sure they feel okay.

I have to make them love me. I have to make them think I'm perfect, that I'm the best casino manager there is. All my life, the casino is all I've had. If I'm not perfect I should just die and rot away. I want other people to praise my work, to appreciate me, to feel protected and safe in my presence. Even if it means lying and suffering to get there.

But I want to be comforted, too. I hug my pillow at night and pretend it's someone else. I'll hold my own hand and, if I try for long enough, I'll start believing the hand is someone else. My problems aren't as bad as anyone else's- my life is great. I don't know why I complain. I don't deserve to have a chance to talk about myself or my feelings. Everyone else is dealing with horrible things and I just make everything dramatic to gain pity. I want someone to hold me and tell me I'll be okay but I don't want to burden anyone. I'm just a horrible person.

I'm just tired. So tired.

I have to cover my eyebags and any hint I'm not perfect all the time. Only behind closed doors can I break down.

Only behind closed doors."

-Kiji

P.S: If you ever feel like this, I totally get it. A lot of this is actually based off of my own views/feelings/experiences. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here.

Edited the text a bit, added some extra stuff- sorry if this is ooc, I projected a lot onto this!

#Only behind closed doors #bungou stray dogs #bsd #bsd sigma #sigma bsd #sigma #writing #depression #eating problems #suicide #suicidal thoughts #vent(?)#nausea #vomitting

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jewbeloved · 5 months

Text

Trigger warning: $uicidal thoughts, bullying mentioned, ableism, a ltitle swearing.

If you aren't interested in reading vents and only read it for the giggles, then please scroll away.

Sign...where do I even begin? I'm just sick and tired of always telling myself everything is going to be alright. If I'm being honest, social media and the Internet is probably what's keeping me alive. I always use it to cope and disconnect myself from the shit that's around me. I feel like my mental health isn't getting better at all, instead it's just getting worse. Often I keep having thoughts in my head that nobody even cares about me and I start to wonder if that is actually true.

I have been dealing with family issues and bullying for years now....No I am not being @bu$ed or anything. But compared to other people and my family, I feel they just don't understand me. I have severe trust issues that I can't even talk to anybody about my problems anymore. Not even adults. Talking to my guidance counselor made me realize that.

Imagine giggling and making faces while someone is venting or talking about their problems. My family gives me the impression that they would probably do what my guidance counselor did but in a more different way..I feel like my feelings and problems are just a joke to everyone and they also use it to lecture me for no reason.

I used to be really outgoing and energetic and I loved talking to people. But now, I'm just a shut-in quiet kid. I don't feel like myself at all anymore. Family issues, ableism, and judgment got to me. I just couldn't handle it anymore.

Now that I am all quiet and stuff, nobody wants to judge me or pick on me. I'm honestly still surprised I am even alive at this point given how an obnoxious kid back in middle school told me to drink BLEACH. Damn, I have already been given a d€ath threat for the first time in my life before I even reached high school.

Ugh. I really like spending time on social media because it helps distract me from the pain I have experienced outside of it. Making posts, fanfics, art, playing games, watching videos. All of that stuff makes me happy...but someday I feared that it won't be enough to stop me from pushing myself to the edge and offing myself.

Even if someone wanted to be my friend, I feel like they wouldn't last long and just get bored of me because most of the people I talk to have no clue what the stuff I am interested in are, I would just feel like I'm talking to a brick wall.

My family is homophobic and they probably wouldn't accept me if they found out I was Asexual or just a part of the LGBTQ community in general. I am a biological sex female at birth, but I want to identify as a non-binary person as my gender. Which is something I would never speak about with my parents since they love to chat about anything they hear to everyone and I don't want that.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I'm terribly sorry that this vent long guys, I have so many things going on in my life which impacts on how long it takes me to post anything here. I don't know what else to say so I will end it here, I hope you all have a wonderful night.. (I'm writing this at 4:13 am in the middle of the night).

#south park #south park x reader #vent #vent post #tw sui implied #bullying mention #family issues #ableism #hiatus #southpark blog

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skzhocomments · 5 months

Text

THE WHITE LILY (Mafia Book #1 - Bang Chan) - Chapter 9 - Paint it black

Story masterlist - please consult it for the summary of the story, trigger warnings etc.

General masterlist

Chapter 8 | Chapter 10

Let me know if you'd like to be on the taglist for this story or on the general taglist!

---

Chapter 9 - Paint it black

chapter word count: 1.7k words

~Emilia's POV~

Spending time with Jeongin was exactly what I needed. I didn't feel as lonely, and I felt again that I could rely on someone.

Chan's betrayal was still fresh, though, and it still hurt.

He promised he would be by my side...

I climbed back up through my window when my eyes met an unexpected gaze that was burning through my skull.

"Where have you been?" Chan asked coldly and stood up.

"Good morning to you too. What the fuck are you doing in my room?"

"You haven't come out in a fucking week."

"And it took you a fucking week to check if I was okay?! Also, invading someone else's privacy is pretty out of character for you."

"Emilia, you know I've checked on you, just not personally-"

"You can't shut me out like that, Chan. You told me to come here and didn't even have the courtesy to tell me why Hyo acted like that towards me."

"It's more complicated than that..."

"So you just assumed I wouldn't understand anything that's going on?! Good job, Chan, really!"

"You know it's not like that."

This conversation was wearing me down. Just 20 minutes ago I was having fun with Jeongin, feeling alive, and now?

I simply rolled my eyes hearing these lame excuses and took off my jacket.

"So, where the hell were you?"

"Out."

"Alone?"

"None of your business."

"Oh, but it is, and you know that."

"For whom? For Chan the mafia boss or for Chan my boyfriend?"

"Your boyfriend?" He sighed.

He fucking sighed.

"Emilia, I think you're making this out to be more than it is."

"Making "this" what? What is "this" then?" I frantically moved my hands pointing to me and him.

I was exasperated. Did Chan really not see me as more than a fuck buddy?

Were all the nights we spent together these past months meaningless to him?

Was I just a fool starting to catch feelings when he quite obviously didn't give two shits about me?

"What, can't even answer that? Did you even care about me, or was I just your pretty fuckdoll?"

"Don't talk like that about yourself. Of course I care about you! Did you see me sleep with anyone else ever since we met?"

"So let me get this straight. You want us to be exclusive, you don't sleep with anyone else, but SOMEHOW we are not together. I am making us out to be more than we are?!"

"I-"

"And what's more, you don't even tell me what the fuck is happening around here. Am I that insignificant to you?"

"No, you're not-"

"Then stop keeping me in the dark and let me know what's going on!"

Even though Jeongin already told me what they found on the baby, I wanted Chan to trust me and tell me his suspicions himself.

But I was only met with silence. And the deafening silence is sometimes the loudest answer.

He didn't trust me.

And even more than that, I felt... he didn't love me at all.

"You know what, Chan? I'm really tired of this shit. This...'situationship' of ours... it's all over. Get the fuck out of my room."

He nodded and left without a single word more, and I just let myself fall on the bed and pass out.

That night -or morning, if you will- I couldn't sleep well. I had nightmare after nightmare, my mind trying to put all the pieces together. An unidentifiable woman. A baby with a hot-iron mark on its back. The Scarlet Rose. Hyo. Bang Chan. Me.

I didn't reach any conclusion, but I decided that enough is enough. So what if they don't trust me and don't accept me as one of their own? I wasn't the one who suggested I should join them in the first place, so why the fuck should I be the one to feel bad?

I dressed up, put on some make-up and got out of my room.

"Good morning!" I smiled at Han cheerfully, who just side-eyed me and replied awkwardly, stumbling on his words.

I made my way downstairs to the big kitchen and found Felix, Hyo, the baby, Chan and Hyunjin.

As soon as I opened the door, the atmosphere changed. Chan kept avoiding my gaze, Felix and Hyunjin nodded at me, then stared down at their food silently, and Hyo threw daggers my way with her eyes while feeding the baby a spoon of... whatever the fuck babies eat.

Fuck them. You'll live. I encouraged myself.

"What a wonderful day! How is everyone?" I asked with a smile that didn't reach my eyes and observed how everyone around the table was acting.

"Man, if the food's that good you can't even say a 'Hi' back, y'all should let me try some too!" I mocked their silence, moment when Hyunjin finally looked up at me.

"Yo, Shade, wanna go have some fun together?" he asked with a raised eyebrow and a dumb smirk and got up from his seat, coming next to me and wrapping one arm around my waist.

"Did you want me out of the room so badly?" I chuckled.

Hyunjin rested his hands in his jeans' pockets and walked leisurely in the garden.

"You and Hyo are bad news together."

"Should I leave, then?"

"No." he stopped walking as soon as we reached the small glass greenhouse in the garden. In front of it stood a picnic table and two chairs. "That's not what I meant."

Initially, I thought Hyunjin brought me here to sit down with him, so I was really surprised when he pulled a small golden key out of his right pocket and opened the door.

I've seen the greenhouse from outside before, but since this was Hyunjin's private space and he's never invited me in, I had no idea what was expecting me inside.

It was quite fun to notice that this wasn't your regular greenhouse. Plants were only close to the glass walls, as if to create an illusion from outside that this was a greenhouse. But once you got inside, you could quickly notice that it was actually an art studio.

Canvases were scattered everywhere, several easels with unfinished beautiful works were placed strategically in different corners of the room, and the light was pleasantly flowing from the glass ceiling, giving the space a quiet and calm element.

"Hyunjin, wow... I didn't know you could paint."

"Tsch." He scoffed. "Seriously? I show you this, and the only thing you can say is 'I didn't know you could paint'?!"

"Why, was that wrong?" I chuckled, noticing his eye roll.

"No artistic side to you, got it."

"C'mon, don't be like that. So, is this your secret space?"

"Yea, this is my baby. I'm super proud of it."

"Do you come here often?"

"Only when I need to let off some steam. It's easier to express myself... like this." He pointed to the many paintings around us.

"This feels a bit intrusive, doesn't it?" I asked, looking around. So, this was Hyunjin's 'Overpass'.

This thought brought a small smile to my lips. It felt like we were really not that alone, all of us feeling the same things and expressing them in our own ways.

"It is intrusive, yes. But it also helps. Sometimes it's good to let it all out for the whole world to see, be it positive or negative. Art is a beautiful way to do that."

"So, did you paint everything in this room?"

"No. I bring friends here sometimes that I know would never talk to anyone out loud." He raised both his eyebrows expectedly, making me snicker.

I walked around the paintings, searching for... I don't know exactly. Familiarity, perhaps?

Some paintings were indeed happy landscapes: a sunflower field, two people holding each other and kissing, a smiling child; others, not so much: a burnt down house, a girl's back, the sea; the colors used to create images that made me shiver.

But one painting in particular caught my eye. It was one of the "unhappy" ones. Dark. So dark, it felt like it was pulling me in. It portrayed a lonely man sitting with his eyes wide open in a dark blue room. He had a black cloud formed by incoherent thoughts above his head, absorbing almost every corner of the painting inside of it.

"Did you also paint this one?" I pointed to it.

"No... that one is..."

"Chan... Does he come here often?"

Hyunjin didn't seem surprised that I knew.

"Sometimes. He started making it some years ago. Occasionally, he comes here to add a black line in the cloud..."

"It feels so... lonely..."

"However," Hyunjin intervened again. "he stopped coming here almost four months ago, when he drew this thing here."

He showed me an opened door opposite from the bed. A pale hand had a grip on the handle. How come I didn't see it?

"And he started coming again one week ago..."

When we fought. I thought.

"So... what are you saying?"

"Nothing." He shrugged.

"And what about this one? It seems... different than the others." I pointed to a small painting of a dark scenery.

"Different how?" he seemed intrigued.

"It's like... it's pulling you in. It's so desolate... it stings. I don't know how to explain it better."

"Well" he chuckled "you're pretty on point with that. It was a tough time. Felix got hurt and I... let's just say that I lost it. I'm a fool, aren't I?"

"A fool? No way, dude. It's normal to feel like this for your closest friend."

"I guess." He smiled. "So... anyway, I brought you here and showed you my soul. And everyone else's as a bonus... Will you show me yours, too?" Asking this, Hyunjin went to an easel covered with a white cloth and revealed the canvas underneath: it was empty.

A canvas of my soul... What a beautiful way to put it.

He grabbed a chair and a set of brushes, some pencils and colors, and rinsed a glass of dirty, painting water, filling it with some fresh one. Then, he placed the small greenhouse key that was still in his hand neatly on my palm.

"You can come here whenever you want."

"But wait! If you give me this key-"

"I have a spare!" he shouted and waved while exiting the greenhouse.

What was I supposed to paint?

How did my soul look like?

I closed my eyes and let myself think about how I was feeling.

Hurt. Confused. Uncertain. Abandoned. Lonely. Betrayed.

With these thoughts in my mind, I painted it black.

---

Chapter 8 | Chapter 10

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tiredflowercrown · 8 months

Text

Rant under the cut

Pls don't reblog

I'm am so sick and tired of being this exhausted and fatigued. Because one week I will feel perfectly fine and like I'm on the other side of the hill. Then the next I feel like I can barely move or eat or do any of the things to help stay alive. I am constantly fighting a battle with my mind and how I interact with food, which sucks because i don't even have a term to use for it cause it's not an ed, the term better used is disordered eating. But how do you explain that to people. My parents don't get it because they are the same way and see nothing wrong with it. This past week I've been forcing myself to eat just for my meds to work properly. All I'm eating is fucking applesauce and cheerios, and I'm having to force that down. It's the worse because I feel hungry and have the urge to eat, I just can't. Everything is bad and things that might be good are contaminated and icky and moldy. Even if I know that they probably aren't. Every time I try to describe this my parents keep saying well its your brain you control it. Like no shit it's my brain. However, my brain can and has, in fact, made me throw up because it didn't like the food I ate. Just about every calorie I have in a day comes from soda. THATS NOT GOOD. Especially when I forget to brush my teeth just about everyday. And I know snice drinking is easier that I should get protein shakes or something but the idea of new is so terrifying that I can't do it. I know that there's powders you can add to food to get more nutrients, but again I can't add them. If someone else were to add them then tell me later that would be fine and then maybe I could do it on my own. But my parents insist that I have to do stuff like this on my own because I shouldn't burden people with that responsibility. I know I'm probly malnourished of some sort, but getting the testing to find out is both scary and expensive. I'm already about to try and see if there's a medical reason outside of my mental illness for my forgetfulness. I can't afford to many medical bills rn and neither can my family. They're saving for trips for my grandma because it's probly the last trips she'll take. I've had to fight so hard to get the diagnosis that I have. And my mom is so sure it's one thing but it doesn't match my symptoms and it could still be a problem with that organ but I don't want to go through several rounds of testing. I also am not sure if I even want there to be something wrong with me because knowing that and too what length it affects me could restrict how I can work or go to school. Just ugh. Wish I hadn't been born in a screwed up body.

#tw ed rant #tw medical #tw mental health #tw america healthcare

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jayden-killer · 2 years

Text

WORTHY ON THIS EARTH.

Paring: Steven Grant × Gender neutral! Reader (hints of Jake and Marc).

Warnings: angst, hints of suicidal tendencies, hints of suicide attempts, mentions of bipolar disorder, low self esteem, Steven being a cutie💕

A/N: Hello everyone, just a quick message: this is kinda of a self insert story. I just wanted to vent a little. The thing is: I don't feel worthy, and my thoughts go to me thinking I'm a bit of a useless human. That's how I recently feel. Constantly worrying myself if I'm doing the right thing, if i can be really useful, etc. Im sorry :( If some of you guys don't feel comfortable reading this fic, skip it, your mental health is more important than a piece of story..but, if you keep going, I hope you will enjoy it♡ if so, lemme know in the comments.♡ as always, I excuse myself for any mistakes in this fic, and the rushing at the end, but I was crying my eyes out while writing this.

°~°

They hoped to find a distraction from their thoughts. They were devouring them, little by little. Everything seemed exhausting, needless to say or do. They also considered it was useless to cry or any other outburst that might give comfort. There was nothing that could help them get out of this. They could hear the constant murmur of their thoughts,

"You’re useless"

"You don’t excel at anything"

"Are you doing something good in your life?"

And to this last question, they already knew the answer: absolutely nothing. So if it was useless, what were they still doing there, lying on their boyfriend’s bed, curled up on one side? Their life was supposed to be over for years. And yet they were still there and they kept going.

He hated keeping going on.

—Love? Why aren't you asleep?

They tensed, heading his sweet, yet tired voice. Steven's looks were absolutely astonishing, even though he had some curls sticked on his forehead and some bags under his eyes. He looked like an angel, sent by God or whoever to help them. But they still couldn't understand why, a sweet and beautiful soul like Steven, was with them. He could've had everyone, but he chose them over someone else. It was painful. This was another thing that was eating them alive.

«You shouldn't be with me, Steven. You really shouldn't. I am nothing, but a piece of meat without beauty. Without skills. Without a soul».

—I can't. M'not tired— they lied, havoding his gaze. In fact, they were craving for a good sleep, but their head couldn't shut up for a second.

Steven remained silent for a solid minute. Perhaps he was thinking, perhaps he was discussing with his brothers.

—Love, I know something is up. Tell me— he tried to reach their hand, but they slapped it away. No, you don't deserve to hold my hand. Neither my love.

—___? What is happening? What are you...

—Please— their voice clearly broken, barley a whisper—please, just leave me alone, just leave me alone, one fucking minute...

Steven perfectly understood what was going on. He just make the less noise possibile by turning on his night lamp, carefully sitting onto the bed. He understood his soulmate needed the space they requested. He stayed there, gazing their shaking form, accompanied by sobs. Even If he wasn't saying anything, his presence said a lot more than his words.

I'm here, I won't go anywhere, love. Take your time, then we'll be talk about what's troubling you.

He was about to get up and get a glass of fresh water to them, but when the bed cracked under his weight, (meaning he was about to get up), they turned their red face and puffy eyes to Steven. They whispered: —I didn't mean it. I want you. Please, stay with me, don't leave me, Steven.

—Hey, hey— he rushed, kneeling at their side of the bed, —can I touch your cheeks? Is that OK?—

—No, no, please don't.. please don't touch them...

Steven smiled. —It's okay, love, I wo...

—I meant, yes please, touch me.. I need a hug, I need comfort, I need..

Their words kept going on, but Steven tried to reassure them by brining slowly and carefully his arms around their body. He pet their hair with a gentlest touches, eventually giving pecks to their forehead and sweet nothings above their words.

I'm here, won't hurt you, I will be forever here, love. Its okay, let it out...

When they calmed down enough to keep a steady breathing, Steven took their cheeks between his palms hands and made them look into his chocolate eyes. A comfortable place where their soulmate would always find peace.

—Mind telling me what's bothering you, my love? Only if you can.

They made a breath. Inhale, exhale. They never dared to look away for his eyes, shaking their head slightly. —I... I guess I'm not worthy, Steven. That's what is going on.

Steven furrowed his browns. —Is that a sorta of joke, lovebug?

Of course not, idiota. Stop saying bullshit in a serious moment like this.

Nice move, fella.

—No, sorry— Steven quickly tried to dismiss what he just said, —I said a stupid phrase. I shouldn't...

—Wait, Steven, it is okay. I'm not offended... I.. I'll tell you everything.

Steven put his hand on theirs and just smiled, mentioning that he's listening.

—Okay so... uhm, everything lately seems so fucking sad. Its that...— they inhaled deeply and tried to find the courage to organise their thoughts, —its that I'm so fucking unless, Steven. Im incapable of doing anything. Nobody seems proud of me or my actions and, believe me, I'm trying my hardest to succeed, but it seems that they only want the results. I'm.. I'm so fucking tired. I thought I just needed a sleep, but it's more than that. It's more.

They haven't realised they were crying again, so hard, and Steven didnt wait a moment to hug them again. He couldn't believe their words. He knew they were having a tough time in their life and he tried his best to make their days cheerful, maybe it didn't work at all. But he never gave up.

—I've never been so proud of you, my love. Believe me when I say so. Life is a challenge everyday, and even if you fall ans fall and keep falling, you never surrend. You stand up and try again. And this makes honor to you, y'know that?— They smiled between sobs, —Even Jake and Marc are so proud of you! Jake says that you're the toughest person he's ever met— They laugh a little and Steven laughs too. Their laugh is the most beautiful sound on the earth. He missed hearing it.

—I know this is a hard period for you, but it's okay. You can do it. We can do it.

Pause.

—Never say again you're useless, ___. I don't want to hear those words again escaping from your mouth. Never.

—I'll try my best— they wishpered.

And maybe, maybe this time, they felt worthy on this earth.

#marc spector #marc spector x y/n #marc spector x reader #marc spector x you #marvel imagine #moon knight #moonknight x reader #steven grant x reader #steven grant x y/n #jake lockely x you #jake lockely x reader #jake lockley #steven grant #Spotify

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jaybird-fanfics · 1 year

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Villain Roommate |Chapter Seven|

It was your day off the next day. Which means you got to spend all day with the killer, hooray! You almost chose to spend the whole day locked away in your room, but that wouldn't make things any better. You'd still have to see him tomorrow. And so, you got out bed, took a shower, got dressed, and head out to the living room. Dabi was still sleeping, but you weren't going near him, not after last night.

You walked into the kitchen and started making breakfast. This time you decided to make a little extra for Dabi. You paused at the thought, you could go on this whole rant about how you didn't care but no wait actually did and blah blah blah, but you were too tired. You just wanted to get some food in you. As you cooked, the smell seemed to have woke Dabi up. His hair was a mess, more than usual. You repressed a laugh before platting the food.

"What are you looking at?" He asked, his voice raspy from sleep. You quickly look away and grabbed the plates, walking to the table. "Breakfast is ready." You said in a small voice. Dabi stood up and walked over, he wasn't wearing his jacket. That thing looked heavy, it must have been a load off his shoulders. This is the second time you've seen his arms. You wondered, just how far did the scars travel? You could see the same purple skin around his ankles.

"You seriously got a staring problem." Dabi said as he started to eat. "And you have a problem of threatening people into healing you then crashing at their place like it's no problem."

"What a mouthful." Dabi muttered, holding back the urge to ask if she'd like a mouthful of something else. It was too easy, too obvious. But he wasn't pretend like he was above making a joke like that. "Whatever." You say before eating.

After eating you walked over by the front door and grabbing your shoes. "Where do you think you're going?" Dabi asked. You shot him a look. "Out." Was all you said before slipping your shoes on. Dabi walked to you, you reached for the door handle, but Dabi roughly placed his hand on the door, keeping it shut. "I don't think so."

You look up at him, he caged you in, you back was up against the door. Your chest nearly met his own, that's how close he was. "And why's that?" You asked, trying to ignore the fear that crept in the back of your mind. "I can't have you running off and looking for help, now can I?"

"I'm not going to do that." You mutter. "Won't you? I'd do it, if the situation were reversed. Where is it you need to be so badly, hm?" He asked, leaning a bit closer. "That's private." You scowl. "Oh? Then maybe I should go with you, since you want to be so secretive." He finally backed off. "What? No!" You say sternly. "You can't come with me! I said it's private!"

"What? You got a D appointment with your boyfriend or something?" His words made your face heat up. "No!"

"Then what?" Dabi asked. "I am not explaining myself to the likes of you! You're not coming with me!" Dabi didn't seem to like your tone. "Who says you have a choice?"

You want to scream and yell at him, you wanted to hurt him, you wanted him gone out of your life forever. But that wouldn't be happening, someone like you against someone like him...you wouldn't stand a chance.

"Fine." You spat angrily.

And so, you two left the house. Dabi was in his disguise that he wore the first night you two met, as not to be seen from the public eye. You took walked for what seemed like forever. "Hey, where are you taking me?" Dabi asks. You didn't say anything, you didn't have anything to say to him. "Not talking? Fine. Act like a little brat then."

Finally you two arrived at where you were going. It was a graveyard. "Uh, ok. Creepy, you into this kind of stuff? Are you like, a secret grave robber or something? Or do you just like hanging out with a bunch of corpses?"

"I'd bury you alive here if I could." You say under your breath. "Excuse me?" Dabi scowled. You walked ahead of him to a headstone. You sat down in front of it and closed your eyes. Confused, Dabi walked up behind you and looked down.

'Kiko (L/n)'

Dabi looked to the headstone, then back to you.

'Hi mom, it's me again. I don't have any flowers this time because...well, you can see who's with me can't you? I couldn't go into the flower shop with him around. I bet you'd be really interested in knowing just how I got myself into this situation.' You thought with a small laugh. 'I'm...scared mom. I don't know what to do. I can't get away from that monster...You'd be ashamed in me calling him that, wouldn't you? I just can't help it though!'

'He's cruel, he's heartless, he's a murderer for crying out loud! A villain, the same kind of villain who was responsible for your death! How do you expect me to be kind to him!?' You clenched your fists tightly. 'I just can't, not to him...I wish you were still here...'

"Hey, how long are you gonna sit there?"

You turned to glare at Dabi. You forgot to add inconsiderate. You stood up and dusted yourself off before walking past him. Dabi followed.

"So, who was that?" Dabi asked after a stretch of silence. You sigh before answering him, not really wanting to either. "Why do you care?" You ask. "Because you dragged me there, I might as well know for what or who." Said Dabi. "I told you not to come, but you just couldn't bare the thought of me leaving, could you?" You ask, not meaning for it to come out the way it did. "Just shut up and tell me who it was."

"Do you want me to shut up or tell you? I'm confused." You smirked. "Stop being a fucking smartass and tell me." Dabi snapped.

"...It was my mom." You finally tell him.

"Your mom?" He repeated. You nod. "Yeah, I always come to visit her on my days off. She died when I was a kid. She was so kind and caring, she was like an angel. She cared for me deeply, more than I can say for my father that is." You mutter that last part. "She was killed in an accident villains caused." Dabi said nothing to that as the two of you kept walking home.

"Sorry for your loss or whatever." He finally said as you reached the door. You stopped in your tracks as Dabi walked inside.

'Really? That's the best he could come up with? Don't know what I was expecting from him anyways.' You thought before walking inside and shutting the door behind you.

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#dabi x reader #touya todoroki x reader #toya todoroki x reader #bnha #mha #my hero acedamia #boku no hero academia

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weepylucifer · 8 months

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i try to keep it light n breezy on here, but i think i need to write some shit down somewhere. so here is a dreary little tale

so in august of last year, i had covid. it felt like a two-week-long flu, but then it was over. a year ago FUCKING PRECISELY, the Problems started. i went to multiple doctors, but no one paid me any attention, and i was told not to make a fuss, everyone was having post-covid these days, and it'd all go away by itself. further, in a breathtaking display of shittiness, my dad told me to stop being selfish and burden my mother (who, after all, has actual problems!) and himself with my shit. so i gave up. i tried to go on with my life as if nothing had happened, to get a job and finish college, and hoped that the Problems would indeed go away by themselves.

since then i have sat by and watched my body get weaker and weaker and it scared the shit out of me, but there was literally no one who would listen to me or believe me. i lost what little endurance i started out with until i couldn't make the 10-minute walk to the grocery store without almost passing out. i did faint in the grocery store, actually, and i just went home and told no one bc they would have just told me it was my fault, that if i exercised, or kept a proper sleep schedule, or what the fuck ever, i would be in the bloom of my health. for a year now, randomly, my heartbeat goes weird. i started getting dizzy spells out of nowhere with no apparent cause. i live alone. i was frightened all of the time of the day i'd just not manage to take care of myself anymore. i was convinced that if i asked my friends or boyfriend for help, they'd believe i was lying too. i had no idea what was going on with my body. post-covid can, it looks like right now, manifest any fucking symptom ever, which means it could also be anything else.

because the dizziness was getting so dire i barely dared to leave the house anymore, i decided to try seeing my gp again. this time they discovered i'm so fucking anemic it's like a dracula stole half my blood away. after i was Urged to go to the hospital, i arrived at an ER bursting with people and naturally presumed i'd have to hang around for a couple hours, but after i showed them my blood test results i was absolutely Rushed into observation. i got an iron transfusion and am on several new meds as of last week.

today there was an article in the paper (yeah, my parents still subscribe to the local paper) on the one dude in this area who treats post-covid. it lists every symptom that i have. it also says that apparently somehow covid fucks with whatever it is that makes red blood vessels. this could have been explained to me a year ago. it wasn't. i had to let it get exceedingly bad to be deemed worthy of help. that doctor doesn't even have a solution yet. just "eat beets, take walks, and exercise a bit but not too much". i still took the article and put it in my journal bc it's the first thing i've seen in a year that has validated me.

so here i am. my health is in the toilet. i am an absolute twitching anxious mess. even if everything goes perfectly with the new meds (which it rarely does for anyone, does it) it may take weeks or even months until i get to just feel normal again. i still get dizzy every day. sometimes i have a hard time focusing on reading or writing. i can't work. i can't do anything strenuous for fear of passing out. i'm staying with my parents because i'm not sure, if i went back to my apartment, if i could manage to keep myself alive. i haven't seen my boyfriend in weeks. there are friends i'm not meeting, ladies i'm not going on dates with, parties and other events that i'm missing. every time i have to text someone saying i'm not well enough to go out quite yet, i'm afraid they'll get tired of my shit and stop contacting me. my life is basically on hold until further notice.

and there are still people who have been hit way worse by post-covid than me. i am at least not bedridden, and i still have my sense of smell and taste, and it seems like my symptoms can be improved. i'm not saying this to self-flagellate, i'm saying it because it's ludicrous how callously the whole disease gets treated. people want covid as a whole out of sight and out of mind so that we can all be such productive little cogs in the capitalist machine and act like the pandemic is over. tons of people are still catching it. others will never be the same from the aftereffects of it, and there straight up is no cure for that. like what is fucking wrong with us as a world that we consider that acceptable collateral damage. for what, even? just so that we can continue avoiding taking stock of the current episteme that Does Not fucking work for most of us in the first place? just so that somewhere, for the gratification of someone, line go up? why was it so important for us, a year or so ago, to reestablish this figment of normalcy when, again, what was normal was already not working out?

#posts by me #it's nice that people like me and want me around but every ''when are you coming back? when can we hangout?'' text is stressing me tf out #like idk. soon hopefully. i'm at the ''cautiously trying to run errands for half an hour without fainting'' stage rn #i haven't figured out how to live like this yet. sometimes it seems hardly possible.

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mydigitaldiaryz · 21 days

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Entry Log #4

TW; im not sure at this point . im really just writing whatever sparks up in my mind. i need to clear it up a bit.

My days have been dulling. everything is so boring to me; it's almost insane. ive been losing motivation for everything, ive become to tired; everything that has brought me joy is gone. even when i try to recreate it in any sort of way, nothing happens anymore. it's useless really. all i feel is just this stupid, overwhelming feeling of emotion and disappointment that i can't decipher anymore.

I've been getting into random pills, nothing too bad like drugs, just pills that are bought over-the-counter, just to stop it, have my mind run slower and just think one thought at a time, but I think that ultimitely makes me feel worse, since it just takes a stop to all the depressing things i feel about myself, always my mind telling me to take more. It's so harmful to me and my mental health, always making me far too numb than I already have felt, but it just feels so much more nicer. Like I can't care anymore, whatever happens, whatever I do, I just can't give one singular shit. It has my brain all scrambled so I can't really overthink that hard, which is perfect, since my mind is going to be fuzzy either way.

My favorite pill so far has been Tylenol. I've been abusing it for a short while, just to get that feeling of adrenline and fear that this final pill could be the last one ending my life. That's the only sort of joy I feel when it comes to my life now. The fun it takes me, impulsively spending my life over some bunches of pills. It's almost too addicting to stop, I might add.

Of course, it's never too much that it gets to the point of a really bad overdosage, but just a little bit more than suggested, like for example, the one I did earlier today was 2,500 mg of Tylenol, but also yesterday night too, counting inside the 24 hour time period, it was 2,000 mg of Tylenol, too. So, adding all of that together is 4,500 mg. Which isn't that bad. I'm pretty sure the severe overdosage is 7,000 mg, which is nowhere near it. Or atleast that's what I'm guessing, but I'm really no doctor, so I have no idea what's really going on.

I don't know what else to do with myself than cut and take overdosages of pills. I can barely do anything, let alone actually live a normal life. It's sad knowing I could do so much more, but because of how mentally fucked I am in the head, I'll never really go as far as I or my mother planned. I know my mom is disappointed in me for being such a screw-up of a child she wish she never had the misfortune of giving birth to. I know she wants me since yeah, I'm still her kid afterall, but I also know for a fact she doesn't want someone LIKE me.

I can't stand hanging out with my friends now too, not after the fact that I can tell all of them can't stand being around me either. I know they just got bored of me so quick, and only keep me around for some punching bag they make fun of and laugh at. I hate how I'm always the butt of the joke, always the one getting made fun of. I don't get it, really. What's so bad about me? What's so wrong about me? I can tell they also shit-talk me so badly. And my girlfriend, I know for a fact she's just waiting for me to break up with her so she can stop hanging out with a shitty, ugly loser like me. She probably doesn't even actually like me, she just doesn't want to feel alone, just like how other people use me for. To just stop feeling alone with themselves. To look like they aren't lonely. It's pathetic of me, really. To stand around and act like they aren't sticking to me until their friend comes over so they don't look alone, because I can't stand being lonely too. Even though I constantly feel it everyday, no matter what, even when I have so much people surrounding me and showing that they actually like being around me for once.

I can't stand anything, anymore. I'm just so tired with being alive. I just want to disappear. Everything is just so frustrating, I've been planning for so long how to end it all, a delicate and perfect plan that I know would fall through if I attempted it. I haven't tried yet, but I wish to. God, do I really want to.

I just don't know anymore. I just want to die.

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doctorguilty · 5 months

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Baddddd bad bad bad very sad

My head hurts, the pressure makes me feel like it's being squeezed and crushed by rubber bands ... from sinus inflammation and dehydration and not eating probably isn't helping

I feel like I want to cry again but I'm trying to stop myself so I won't make the pain even worse

This is only, what, a week into dst? Not even winter yet.. Seasonal affective disorder is going in for the kill this year I guess. I don't know what im going to do because I'm so tired, physically and mentally and just tired of my life, there's no fight in me left. And no one will or can help me. I'm my family's least favorite and so i get the least help, doctors won't take my health seriously, my partner needs more time, possibly more than a year, before moving in with me with me somewhere. I can't afford to live on my own. I barely have energy to keep collecting scraps of money to show as income so I can continue getting food assistance.

I had a spark of hope for a while but it feels like it was a mistake to let myself have it. How much longer can I lie to myself and say "one more year until it gets better"? I mean, I can't. That illusion is broken. So what can I tell myself? It truly feels like there's nothing. Things keep getting worse. I tried so hard, I really did. I'm exhausted. Truly utterly exhausted.

Unless anyone out there (just like, the world not @-ing Tumblr dot com) has a spare 20 grand or something they'd just hand to me to live off for "one more year" (and then some) and detox from my miserable quality of life, surviving it barely even sounds appealing knowing that my physical and mental health I'll be another year WORSE than where it is now. And even then. There's not guarantee it ends there :''') its an estimate, an "if I'm lucky" estimate and it's not even considerably lucky to be in this position.

I genuinely don't know how I'm gonna keep living like everything is fine and normal while I continue losing steam to make money, make art, care for myself (I'm already down to roughly 2 showers a week and at best 1 real meal a day because I'm so tired), to keep filling out paperwork begging for assistance (I think I'm already overdue for my food stamp update), and watching other people in my family just be handed endless help while I'm patronized with "have you considered painting Christmas ornaments for a living" and interrogated about the validity of my disabilities (which I always fail to prove good enough)

Almost everyone around me is happier than me. Almost everyone else's life is on track and I'm at best simply left behind, and at worst I was someone they stepped on to get what they needed before tossing me to the side.

My life is not only painful and exhausting but humiliating. I don't feel like a person. I don't feel important. I feel like if i did die out of the blue, nobody would say they regret helping me more like people usually say, they'd just talk about how I should have done xyz better and it's my own fault (not a s*icide threat just being hypothetical like literally if i died for any random reason)

Most of everything that's happened in my life, I feel, has validated my chronic sense of worthlessness. Everyone says I'm not but prove it. Someone prove it. Someone put me first. Sacrifice something for me (and not complain what a burden I am on them!). For once. If I wasn't worthless, well, I'd be worth it, without strings attached.

It won't happen. It never happens. I have to dance like a fucking circus animal for people and then beg on my knees I'm entertaining enough to keep alive so I can do it over and over again

#seth speaks #neg #angry parts arent vaguing tumblr ppl its mostly irl stuff like thats the issue thats where i need the most help

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