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blessednereid · 3 years

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Just Stay~ Isaac Lahey

Randomizing my Prompts to write an Isaac Lahey oneshot, which is probably only gonna make me cry more.

Mentions of: Major character death, spoilers, Cursing, Heartbreak, Marriage and Children, pregnancy, violence in rage cages, confrontation. She/her pronouns. Please notify me for any other mentions I may need to add.

Pairings: Pack x Reader (Platonic Friendship), Stiles x Reader [(brotherly) (If you don’t look like Stiles, you can imagine the reader as adopted, I just like the idea of Stiles as a protective brother.), Isaac x Reader (romantic).

Prompts: A10 "You came into my world and you made it worse" and A14 "Just stay"

Word count: 3,381 words

~-~-~

Allison is dead.

She is gone.

And there is nothing we can do to bring her back.

It hurts like hell.

But what made it worse.

My boyfriend told me the next week he was leaving for France.

And breaking up with me,

Because he can't do long-distance.

~-~-~-~-~

"What do you mean you're leaving?" I said to him, tears running down my face, and he could hear every trickle. He wouldn't even look at me.

"I'm leaving (Y/N), I can't stay here. Mr. Argent is going to France, and I'm going with him."

"Why can't you stay? You don't have to leave. It's not like the McCall's won't let you stay at their place."

"It's not that," he sighed, exasperated at my attempts to make him stay.

"Then why can't you stay? Just stay with me." He turned to face me at that.

"(Y/N) I can't do it. This town is full of death and pain. My dad, Erica, Boyd, Allison, Aiden. DON'T YOU SEE?" his voice was full of hurt. "I can't sit around and wait for someone else to die, for me to get closer, and for them to die. I can't do it (Y/N)."

"Isaac… your pack is here. We're here. I'm HERE!"

"But for how much longer? How much longer until you die too (Y/N)?" He turned back around and continued packing. "I don't think this is going to work."

"What? What do you—?" The tiny beaver dam holding my tears had already burst, but the floodgates holding back my sobs had just cracked at his words.

"Isaac, what do you mean?" Complete silence.

"(Y/N) I can't wait for you to die. And I sure as hell can't protect you from five and half thousand miles away." His voice was just above a whisper, but it was enough for me to hear.

I sobered up, my tears stopped coming, my heart dropped, but it wasn't as erratic as before.

"So that's it then. You're just giving us up?"

He said, "Just leave (Y/N)... you can't change my mind on this."

"No. Say it, and say it to my face. Say it, and I'll leave, but I need you to say it." I choked up in between words but managed to get the sentence out nonetheless.

He turned around. "I'm breaking up with you. Is that what you wanted to hear?"

"No, It's just what we both needed to."

I turned on my heels and left. I immediately went to Lydia's house.

The music playing on the radio sounded all the same to my ears, no matter how different the melody.

I didn't look back. If he wanted to leave, I would let him go. I knew I didn't deserve that. But that realization didn't prevent the way I felt for the next month to come.

~-~-~

Lydia and Kira tried putting me back out there, setting me up with other guys. Many people tried to break down the walls I put up, but Stiles, being the overprotective brother he is, never let them get close. Every time Isaac came up in a conversation, Malia would swear to the air. Giving empty threats to no one in particular, seeing as how he was never coming back.

I don't think I ever fully healed. He always came back to my thoughts, it was senior year's end, and I still thought of Isaac from time to time. Fondly or otherwise, it really depended on my mood.

I still thought of him coming back, apologizing, us getting married after college, settling down in the suburbs of California, and having a family. Our kids, a boy and a girl loving their fun and witty Uncle Stiles so much they ask for him to come over all the time.

"Uncle Stiles!" Grace and Tyler shouted and jumped away from their toys when he walked into the room.

Isaac stood behind me, his hand on my stomach where our next child rested. He chuckled, his face buried in my neck, lightly nipping at the skin in between my neck and shoulder.

"How are my favorite niece and nephew?"

"Silly Uncle Stiles! We're your only niece and nephew." Gracie, who was seven, stated as-a-matter-of-factly.

"That doesn't mean you're not my favorites," he sassed before extending both of his hands and tickling them, where they fell to the floor.

"Come on, let's leave them be." I turned to Isaac before backing out of the room.

As I said, I was about to graduate, and I still thought about him.

But on days near the full moon, where my "bloodlust is heightened" as Stiles would say, I would go to rage cages to take out my anger. Often imagining the objects to be Isaac's head. His gorgeous head, but soon blasted to smithereens.

I walked into the building, people wore goggles and other protective equipment. I paid my fees, accepted the safety suit and the wooden baseball bat, and walked towards the room. The room with the breakable shit that would soon be shattered for my sick enjoyment. Because that's what heartbreak can do to you.

SMASH

There goes a plate, but to me, it was his head.

The sound of glass breaking resonated through the room.

That was a TV, but to me, it was his gut.

A dull thud

But that time, it was the wall.

Sometimes when I saw my friends who were happy in their relationships. Sweet moments they shared would make me think of my relationship with Isaac and wonder if that's how they felt when they were heartbroken. When Isaac and I would be doing lovey-dovey things in front of them.

"ISAAC STOP! PUT ME DOWN NOW!"

He was spinning me round and round. My torso was leaning over his shoulder onto his backside, and my legs were dangling by his chest.

"No can do, princess!"

"Isaac, this isn't fair. Stop it!"

"What's the magic word?"

"Hmm…. How about… I'll literally kill you?"

"Fine."

He set me down on my feet on solid ground, and very dizzy at that, he still pulled me in for a passionate kiss. And the world stood still.

He always knew what I needed and how I was feeling.

But that didn't stop him from walking out of my life without a second thought or notice.

I remember when Mr. Argent came back, and I was frantically asking where Isaac was.

"Mr. Argent! Hello!"

"Hello (Y/N)."

"How have you been holding up recently."

"Life has been as good as life can be."

Beat.

"Um… Forgive my inquiry…" I hesitated. "Did Isaac come back with you, by any chance?"

"No, he preferred to stay in France. I'm sorry." My heart dropped

"Oh. Well, has he asked about us? About me?"

The deafening silence made my heart stop completely.

"Oh. Ok then. Nice having you back." I ran before he could say anything

~-~-~

It was graduation.

After the ceremony, we had a party in the backyard of Lydia's house. I guess it was to celebrate, not graduating, but making it through high school alive.

And guess who decided to show up.

Isaac Lahey.

In a fucking black suit, with a white collared shirt, with white tulips in his fucking hands.

I didn't notice him at first. Not until Stiles' fist connected with his jaw.

"Ok, I deserved that." Blood from his lip started running down his chin.

We made eye contact, and I wished we hadn't. His face softened and reminded me of every single time he told me he loved me.

My legs started walking to him mindlessly. I didn't even know what they were doing. It was as if I was a doll being controlled by someone else.

When I got to him, he reached out to me. I responded by slapping his hand away and bringing my fist to the other side of his face.

"There. It's even."

~-~-~

He'd been here two weeks.

I hadn't uttered a single syllable to him since 'It's even' I had run back inside to Lydia's bathroom and locked myself in there. Lydia, Malia, and Kira came to my rescue a little bit later with all my comfort foods. We watched stand-up comedy movies until we passed out.

I didn't know who kicked out Isaac, and I didn't want to know. Stiles just came to the room a little bit after I left to tell me he was gone. He didn't say anything else.

I thought I could get away with not talking to Isaac for the rest of eternity, but I was hit with reality sooner than I thought.

My phone lit up with a message from an "Unknown ID." All it said was, 'I'm outside.'

I put on my sandals and walked outside to my front door, where the sapphire-eyed love of my life stood, eyeing me as though his life depended on it.

"You do know I have a gun inside that Mr. Argent gave me, right?" I bluffed.

"Your heartbeat jumped, so either you're lying, or you're excited to see me and wouldn't use it anyway."

"Fuck you."

"There's the (Y/N) I knew all those years ago."

"Yeah, before you left and never said anything after that."

"You're an asshole, you know that?" I deadpanned, squinting my eyes when a breeze blew past me.

He was attractive, and I couldn't deny it.

He was wearing a cardinal red and gold hoodie. The jumper read the words "Stanford University." Just my luck that we would end up going to the same school.

"You know that I never meant to hurt you."

"No, you just wanted to save your own ass from a natural human emotion of grief and instead had me experience so fucking much of it in your absence."

"Do you know I still remember the entirety of our last conversation?" I continued. "The one that ended with you telling me you were breaking up with me?

He looked at me solemnly.

"You gave me no heads up, no warning. I just walk into your room at Scott's house and find you packing. If I hadn't gone there, I wouldn't have known."

He looked at the ground. I began stomping towards him.

"You can't just show up here and expect everything to be normal again, Isaac," I shouted. "You can't show up here and expect everything to be ok without addressing the fucking issue."

Nothing, his eyes, and the air around him reflected shame, but he said absolutely nothing.

"LOOK AT ME!"

"Look at what you did. You changed my world, but you made it worse."

"I'm sorry. I was a coward. And an imbecile." He paused.

"I took the easier way out because I was scared." "I didn't want to have to see you die, so I let you go. And then Chris told me what happened and how you almost did, and I fucking regretted leaving you so much."

I stared at him lifelessly.

"I was an idiot, and I'm still an idiot, but I'd never have forgiven myself if something were to happen to you and I couldn't tell you that I—"

I interrupted. "Just stop. Don't. You don't get to come back here and tell me that you love me. If you loved me, you would have stayed. You wouldn't have left me to mourn you as if you died. Because that's what you did. You left, and you didn't say a word," I ranted. "If you loved me, you wouldn't have done to me exactly what you were scared of. I loved you endlessly. I was there with you for everything, with your dad, when you shifted for the first time. I even got into a fight with my brother for you. When everyone died, I WAS THERE WITH YOU. You aren't the victim here. You certainly don't get to act like you are."

A quietness passed between us, and all that could be heard was the breeze. I walked back into my house without another word, disgusted at myself, n0t for what I said, but how I felt.

No matter how much I could deny it, I was still in love with the bastard. I still wanted to jump into his arms and cuddle with him and kiss him all over his face. I had always wanted that with him, but he broke me, and I was still hurt.

~-~-~

Another few weeks had passed before I saw Isaac again. It was July. In two months, we would all be going to college. It just so happened that both of us got into one of the most difficult universities to get into across the country. So, at the moment, I was currently hating the universe. At least Lydia would also be there.

There was a pack meeting we all had to attend, so we had to meet at Derek's loft.

I got dressed in a navy blue jean jacket, a white thrashers t-shirt, light wash jeans, and combat boots.

I got into Roscoe, and Stiles drove us to the loft. He tried to make small talk, but my mind was somewhere else, somewhere it shouldn't have been.

"Hey (Y/N), When do you think is a good time to name the baby now that we know he's a boy?"

"Hm… how about when you pay your dues for the bet?"

"I thought we weren't doing the bet anymore, love?"

"No, we were. You only tried to drop out when you found out you lost, and then you tried to bow out because you didn't wanna pay. "

He chuckled and tightened his grip around me, bringing me closer to him.

"Fine, you won fair and square. You'll have your fifteen dollars on your nightstand by tomorrow morning. Now can we please cuddle?" he whined.

"Mhm… yes! Yes, we can."

Stop it. Stop thinking about things you shouldn't want (Y/N).

When Stiles pulled up to the complex, he pulled out his phone and started typing what I assumed was a text message.

We started walking up to the front door, and when we entered, there was no one to be found. Absolutely no one in sight except Stiles and me standing in the door frame.

We went upstairs to find everybody else and almost gave up until the last door.

Everybody else was in there, but so was Isaac. Standing there in a grey shirt and black jeans. Pictures of us taken by either ourselves or by our friends throughout our relationship. Everyone was backed against the walls, but he stood there in the center looking at me, and I knew this entire thing was a set-up.

"Stiles?"

He sighed. "Just listen to what he has to say, ok? I already tried kicking the shit out of him."

I gulped, but I stood there, feeling very out of place and very betrayed.

"What's that?" I asked, pointing to the black leather book he held in his hands.

"I have something to say before I tell you what it is," Isaac whispered.

"Isaac, I don't have time for this."

"Please?" He was desperate, and I'm pretty sure everyone in the room could tell, but nobody was looking at him. Everyone was looking at me.

I nodded towards him reluctantly.

"I wanted to write to you. To call you every day. I wanted to come back with Mr. Argent, but I knew you would hate me, and I couldn't bear to see that look on your face, even though I knew it was my fault." He tried looking into my eyes, but I wouldn't let him, looking at everyone in the room beside him.

"I left, and I broke your heart. I know that, and I thought that because I broke your heart, you'd never want to see me again. No matter how much my heart begged to be with you, I wouldn't let it. Because that wasn't what you deserved."

He lifted up the book, and I stared at it curiously.

"So I kept this, and I filled it with everything I wanted to say to you. Stories about my day, times I remembered things we did, things that reminded me of you, places I wanted to see with you, poems, songs, drawings. Anything and everything I could think of to keep my distance so that I didn't hurt you again."

My eyes started to water, but I wouldn't let the tears fall, unlike last time.

"And I'm so fucking selfish for saying this, but I keep hurting myself trying to stay away from you. And I don't want to do it anymore. Because if I'm with you, at least I can try to take away the pain I'll end up causing you. But if you're not with me, there's no one to take away mine."

He opened the book to a bookmarked page and started reading.

"Eyes as big as Venus

"As enchanting and magnetic

"as the moon to the tides

"With her heart so divine

"I'm caught like a spider,

"In charlotte's web."

I bit my lip. As cheesy as it may be, he wrote a poem for me.

"Good morning, love. I just thought of what a future with you would be like." He paused. "Probably full of adventure. You would probably want to go exploring the world after college. All I would want is to have you around. I was thinking maybe when we're older we could have a baby. Start our own little family."

Fuck.

"I was thinking if we have a boy we could name him Noah, for your dad, and a girl we could name her Claudia, after your mom and that pen pal you told me about who you were very close with. In all honesty, I just want to wake up with you in my arms and go to sleep just the same. I love you."

A tear slipped. I think I'm about to pass out.

“"I've been planning to come back for a while, love. I was just a coward who didn't want you to hate him any more than he knew you already did. So I stayed. But I'm here now. And I'm not leaving this time. I don't care what you say, I'll always be there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on, or someone to laugh with, or talk about your book that no one else has read with. I'm always gonna be that person for you because I'm so in love with you, it hurts. And it hurts, even more, to be away from you, and I just can't do it anymore. So I'll be in your life in every capacity that you will let me."

Apparently, I had started walking towards him. Who keeps controlling my feet like this?

Tears were coming out of my eyes, and I wanted to scream.

"Fuck you. Fuck you for leaving me and then coming back and pulling this bullshit."

I turned to my friends. "And fuck you guys for tricking me into this crap." I turned back to Isaac. "But most of all? Fuck you for being so goddamn addicting that after nearly 2 fucking years, I'm still so in love with you even after all you've done to me, I would let you back into my heart.

“Because that is what you have done, Isaac Lahey. You have worked your way back into your home in my heart, so if you hurt me again, I swear to all that is good, I'll kill you."

Before I knew it, his right hand was on the small of my back, his left hand on the back of my neck. He pulled me to him and kissed me. The kind of kiss that makes the world pause. The kind where you forget who and what is around you. Even the cheers of your friends as they celebrate their one true pairing reunited and the scoffs of your brother ready to kill someone for his baby sister.

#teenwolf #teen wolf #isaaclahey #isaac lahey imagine #isaac lahey #isaac x reader #major character death #teen wolf spoilers #isaac lahey x reader #nereid writes

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youonlyzingonce · 3 years

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Dec 18, 2020

😞😞😞 I miss you & love you Riker. More than you will ever know my son... And I always will. Nothing will ever change that, you will always be my son

Not a day goes by, since that very 1st day I met you & Savanah, on March 2nd 2015, that I don't think about you both. Every single day, since that 1st day you're well-being was my primary concern, your mom being my second & mine being last. Every single day, since that 1st day I've prayed to God about you both. Praying that he watches over you, protects you, to keep you from harm & out of harm's way, & Id thank him for bringing both into my life

Daily I find myself reminiscing & remembering all the fun that we would share together each day. Between cooking breakfast together each morning, after dropping my mom off at either work or school. we'd start our day watching educational shows on KPBS..

Then we'd going to the library & I'd watch you play with the Thomas the train train set they had. Then picking out the books that we would read together later that night before bed. After leaving the library we would always go to the park for 45 minutes to an hour or so.

You'd be running around, exploring everything, wanting me to push you on the swing. Always wanting to go just a little bit higher. But then a glimpse of almost terror would momentarily occupy your face because you were just a little bit scared cuz it was just a little bit too high. But you also knew that I would protect you & keep you safe, so you loved every minute of it.

Then seeing you getting so excited & curious when you saw other little kids. You're such a kind loving soul that you always went up other kids spending your knees a little bit as you dipped your head to say hi to them. God that was so adorable to watch. As more often than not, they would be a couple of years older then you were. So as they would run off to enjoy the playground with their siblings or friends, you would be left behind. But then you'd start chasing after them like a game of tag & begin laughing your head off loving every minute

You would run around so much & exhaust yourself, so usually before we even got back home you would already be asleep, then be knocked out for the next 2-3 hours. Which I'd spend cleaning up our bedroom, putting away your toys, doing the laundry, doing household chores, applying for jobs or looking for the house I would rent for us

Now, here I sit alone, without your rambunctious laughter echoing the Halls. Your mom's choices she made, that ultimately destroyed our family that we had. Here I sit alone wondering, what new things you're learning? Or thinking back to when you were younger & we'd watch KPBS in the mornings, getting up & stomping our feet together, to that great foot stomping Transylvania beat. Because the count, on sesame Street, was both of our favorite ☺️☺️. Wondering now, what shows you're watching? Wondering what captivates your attention?

Wondering if you still have a passion & love for reading, that I instilled in you when you were a baby. As reading was always our thing we did together every single day. With your favorite books being oh the places You'll go number one which I read you on repeat every single day because you would always shove the book back in my face saying "again, again, again!" Your next favorite was Mike Mulligan & his steam shovel Mary ann. I don't think anything made you happier or made you focus more than us reading together. You were so content & happy cuddled up in my arms, as I read using a different voice for different characters. With books like oh the places You would even smile in anticipation for the next page because you knew what was going to happen lol because we read certain books so many times

There was so much I wanted to do with you & your mom, but at that time I was limited because of finances and your age that kept us from doing those things. So my plan had been to wait till you were a little bit older to do them. These were things like: doing camping trips together, taking road trips, going to amusement parks, sitting at the dinner table as a family and pray before we eat, having family game nights, teaching you to ride a bike & play sports

And yes what's your mom did and chose to continue to do and then destroying our family devastated me. But what continues to hurt and cause me pain, is thinking about all the things in your life that I'll miss out on being a part of. Your first day at school, helping you with homework, watching you play sports, helping you get ready for your first date, cheering you up after your first breakup, teaching you to drive, helping you to pick out colleges, watching you walk across the stage as you graduate high school, helping you pack to leave for college, watching you graduate college, being there for when you get married, just being there for you. But I won't ever now get to do any of those things, as much as I would love to & it kills me

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bradshawwannebe · 4 years

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Bits and Lost Pieces- Part one

A Chain of Silver- prologue

Bucky x reader

Summary: Soulmates gain what the other loses. But you’ve never heard of soulmates born in different centuries…

so in order to get the whole… picture, I’m going to be making this a fic. If i’m moving to fast… oh well. This is also loosly based off of a soulmate tik tok and a fic called I knew you by @klinenovakwinchester its amazing and wonderful and I fully and truly believe that you should go read it

Warnings: there is slight angst and cuss words, mention of drugs and deadbeat parents but detail are very vague

---------------

“No, Mechel, I’m telling you I don’t have one.”

“Oh… come ON. You really can’ t expect me to believe that you don’t actually have a soulmate.”

your best friend, Mechel, has been trying, and failing, convince you that you have a soulmate.

“Ok, well, if soulmates were real, and I of all people have one, why haven’t I found anything? Have you gotten anything yet, from your soulmate? And that is where I'm gonna hit you with a hard no, you haven’t” apparently, whatever your soulmate loses, you gain. However, having something stolen or taken doesn’t exactly count. Mechel figured that one out when some hobo stole her wallet which also included her ID.

“No, I haven’t but that could mean anything, but that doesn’t mean that soulmates don’t exist. Weren’t your parents soulmates or something?”

You deadpanned, right before you face palmed a bit too hard. “No, Chelly, my parents’ soulmates were drugs. That’s why we were handed over to my grandparents, you dingle berry.”

Her face fell ever so slightly. “N/n, honey, I’m sorry, but I can’t believe that soulmates don’t exist when my parents were. My mom got my dad’s boot… and she didn’t even know him then, and dad got her camera with her name on it. You, have to believe me when I tell you this.”

“Look, you shouldn’t be sorry, I’m sure soulmates do exist but mine probably fell off a train or something and died because I haven’t gained anything. Maybe yours is just super organized and doesn’t lose anything,” you weren’t lying, well not to her.

Ever since you were little, you always thought soulmates were a hoax. Your father didn’t have one, always trying to find his after your mother left him for someone else, and then your father dropped you and your siblings off at your grandparents house when you were 15, and oddly enough you never asked either one of them if they were soulmates, it just never came up in conversation before. You’ve never had real proof.

“Well, Mechel, I have to get going, I’m opening the store up early tomorrow.”

“Why the hell would you do that?” she asked almost in horror.

“I don’t know, it’s my store, and if I wanna open up early tomorrow, I’m gonna do it,” you sassed standing up to boop her nose, which caused her to scrunch up her face.

“No one likes a smart ass.”

“I don’t really know about that, I’ve always liked my ass,” you met Mechel when you were a freshman in high school while she was a sophomore and when you took classes to graduate together… God bless the teachers that had you two in the same classes.

However, your best friend’s voice stopped you dead in your tracks when you got to the door, “It would explain a lot, especially the emptiness you’ve always felt, maybe yours died before they could lose anything.”

“Yeah, your right, maybe.”

The revelation was really nothing but a self-deprecating jab at your lack of a soulmate, but you never really put two-and-two together. I mean, he might not have fallen off of a train, that would be sad and very painful.

That night, not much sleep was gained, but you didn’t notice the silver chain that was laying on your night stand either.

-------------

“Hello! Welcome Starstruck Books,I hope you found everything nicely,” you said to the little girl with a soft kind smile.

“Me and Mommy want to find the kid’s books… can you help us?” The small girl looked extremely shy and almost like she didn’t know how to ask the question.

“Sure thing, sugar plum, how old are you?” you asked squatting down to her height. Feeling a warmth spread within your heart at the smile the girl gave you.

“I’m 5,” she said a bit louder counting her fingers to hold them up to you, and you held out your hand for her to take.

“Well, I think we have to find your mommy first, don’t you?” the girl’s hair bobbed up and down as she nodded and she pointed to the adult section of books off to the right.

“She’s over there,” walking over to her mother, you told her where you would be. Just in case something were to happen and she needed to find you.

“Hey, kiddo, how do you feel about poetry?” the little girl nodded and you showed her your favorite book as a child.

“What’s The Giving Tree?” the little girl was full of curiosity pausing between words while reading the title,when she asked you the question. Her brown eyes looking into your own.

“It's a poetic book by Shel Silverstein about a tree and a little boy. The tree loved the boy, and the boy loved the tree.”

The little girl looked thoroughly confused, “How can a tree love a boy?”

“I don’t know, but the tree gave the boy as much as she could, and as the little boy grew up, she kept giving and he kept taking,” at that remark, her eyes lit up.

“Can I take this to my mommy?”

“You sure can!” she smiled big, grabbed the book, and took off. Her hair bobbing behind her.

“So when do you think you’re gonna be a mom?” you popped up, Mechel standing behind you.

“Oh, I don’t know, Chelly, probably whenever I get married,” you stood up, Mechel stepping closer to you.

“Well, I stopped by your house to-”

“How the hell did you get into my house?”

“Shut up! That's not the point-”

“It kind of is…” and if looks could kill you be dead ten times over, “Ok, ok, I’m done.”

“Well, I went to your room to see if I could find anything that wasn’t yours and….” her hands whip out from behind her back holding something that you didn’t recognize.

“What-?”

“They appear to be dog tags, any idea where they came from?” that smug grin was what always got you two into trouble in high school.

“Who-?”

“James B. Barnes.”

“I don’t-”

“ I know you don’t,” and with that she handed you the tags, “you’ve got customers.”

You were in a bit of a shock. So much so, you gave the little girl and her mother a discount on The Giving Tree but that also might have been because you wanted to. You haven’t figured that one out yet.

‘Ring, Ring’

“Hello?” you picked up the phone without even looking at the caller ID.

“Hey, it’s Mechel.”

“I kinda figured that, you lean-to.”

“HEY! I am not a lean-to… what is a lean-to?”

“Well, firstly, you could have fooled me because you’re attached to me and it doesn’t seem like there is much of any reason to be doing that, and two, you seem like an extension of my dark counterpart.”

“No, honey, I am your dark counterpart, and as your dark counter/lean-to I want you to be happy. So I did a search.” If you can’t hear actions, then you must be delusional or lied to because the smug smirk in her voice was so real.

“What kind of search?”

“On your James, duh. What else am I supposed to be doing with my life?”

“Well, Chelly, as head of security at the City Hall, watching the security cameras for possible threats.”

“Pfft, your so dense, that’s what my brother does, I’m a secretary at the police station, dummy,” Welp… some friend you are.

“I was testing your memory, now what did you come up with?”

The hesitation in continuing the conversation on her part was… unsettling to say the least.

“James Barnes has an exhibit at the Smithsonian-,”

“Okay it means he’s smart, keep going,” you walked over to the door of the store, turning the sign to Sorry, We’re Closed!.

“Well, actually he was a soldier in the second World War. He fell of a… well he fell off a train in 1944. They never recovered his body.”

When you collapsed in a sobbing wet mess of tears, you don’t know, but then why did you end up with his dog tags?

“Oh,” you cleared your throat,” I can’t drive right now, not in this condition, could you-.., could you take me home?” It wasn’t a complete lie, per say, but you really just didn’t want to be alone.

“Yeah, babe, I’ll be there in 5.”

“Thanks.”

“You don’t have to thank me.”

Well, this explains a lot.

With a small half smile you looked over at your best friend,”Well, I mean at least we know what happened to him.”

She sent you the worst glare possible, you almost thought she’d stab you, but the meaning was very clear ‘don’t do that to yourself’

“Well I mean I wasn’t wrong, but like... if he’s dead why would he have lost something? How could he lose anything if he’s dead? It doesn’t make sense.”

“Stop, you’re going to hurt yourself and you’re over analyzing, and that isn’t good, not now, not ever, especially not in this situation.”

“No, Mechel, you’ve said it yourself. I have a soulmate and at that point one would realize that when their soulmate loses something they gain it. My soulmate lost something. James. Is. Alive. He has to be. It’s logical-”

“No, Y/N, its not. That’s impossible. Have you ever heard of soulmates being born in different centuries? No. James cannot be alive, and that is proven by the emptiness you always feel, for Christ’s sake y/n he fell off of a damn train!”

“Then explain to me why you would have brought the whole thing up if you don’t believe he isn’t alive. Exactly you wouldn’t. Not unless you’re just so cruel you wanted to get my hopes up to tear them apart and I know you wouldn’t do that to me because we’ve been through some terrible crap together. Deep down, subconsciously, you believe he is alive. He lost his dog tags and if I have to find out why, or how. and If I have to do it myself, then by golly I will. I will do this with or without you, you brought the soulmates thing up, you broke into my apartment-”

“You gave me a key-”

“You broke in,” you said with a pointed glare,”He lost this. He has to be alive,”

“Okay, calm down.”

You went silent.

He has to be alive... he has to.

#bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes angst #bucky x reader #soulmateau #bucky x reader soulamte #bucky x sad!reader #bucky x bookstoreowner!reader #marvelfanfic #winter solider x reader

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purplesurveys · 4 years

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756

Have you ever stayed up all night just to talk to someone? Just once, which was that one time I had a Viber call with my girlfriend that lasted like 10 hours. Quickly realized I wasn’t a fan lmao, I like my sleep time and I know for sure she likes hers. When was the last time you eavesdropped someone? Sometime last week. My parents were discussing the results of the bar exam shortly after they came out. For the first time in a...while my school wasn’t part of the top 10 barnotchers, so I eavesdropped to say if they had something to say about it haha. Do you own any platform shoes? No. That’s my least favorite kind of shoe and I don’t think you’d ever catch me wearing them. When was the last time you went to a club? Last weekend of February. It’s been way too damn long; I’m drinking SO MUCH once this quarantine blows over loooool. How have you been sleeping? Very well, thank you for asking. Except for the fact that I wake up sweating now because summer’s here. I also used to take long naps in the afternoon which I think was another factor in my nightly migraines, so I stopped those as well.

Are you adopted? Nope. Do you like scrapbooking? It’s okay. I look up to people who are into it and can keep the hobby up, since it’s a lot of work and requires a lot of creativity. If I had more time and money I would definitely take it up. Do you collect anything valuable? Not really. I used to collect old receipts, but that habit died a long time ago. Have you ever had a cat meow at you for 20 minutes straight? Not really. My sister’s cat loved meowing at me, but I was never with her for 20 minutes because I was scared of her lol. When was the last time you were jealous of someone? Ten minutes ago. I saw that Andrew already put stuff in the acknowledgments part of our thesis, and they went ahead and thanked their girlfriend. They also included Gabie in the thank-yous as I’m guessing they expected me to put her name anyway, but the truth is I can’t put her name because we are not out. So now I have to delete her name and only their gf’s name, Leigh, will have to stay and I’m super jealous because of it. Do you own a lava lamp? No but I remember seeing one in a department store when I wassssss 14 and wanting one so bad. I’m not into them as much anymore. How many house phones do you have? We have two. We have a wireless phone downstairs and a landline upstairs, but tbh we only keep them around for my grandma, who prefers to only know how to use a telephone and refuses to learn other gadgets. No one else ever calls our number anymore. Does your school photo ever look attractive? You mean my ID? I never liked how my IDs turn out; I always felt like I smiled wrong in each of them lol. My graduation shots always turn out great though; those are pictures I definitely don’t feel bad about. Do you know anyone with an eating disorder? Not that I know of, no. Who slept in your bed last night? Just me. I tried placing Kimi on it yet again, but he jumped off yet again. What was the last thing you killed? An ant. Whose number did you last get? Ooh I’m not so sure. I think it was the makeup artist from the photography studio who took our senior photos. My mom really loved my makeup and she wanted to get the contacts of the one who worked on me. Have you ever thought about stepping in front of a car? Yeah, pretty often. Have you ever laid down in the middle of the street? Only small roads lmao, nothing as big as an expressway. I remember having my photo taken by Athenna as I sat on one of the roads in my old school to keep as a memento. Unfortunately I lost it when I accidentally wiped out my camera roll with photos from 2016 and before that. Do you listen to explicit music? Yes. I’ve been ~qualified~ to listen to them for four years now, lol. When was the last time you used a public bathroom? It was most likely during the last week that I was in school. Have you ever used someone for money? No. When was the last time you went to the zoo? I’ve never been to a zoo. Is there a teacher you hate more than anything? From my old school, yes. It’s like they let in anyone there, lmao. My college professors haven’t been as bad, not even the worst ones. Do you own colored eyeliner? I don’t own eyeliner, period.

Why did you last laugh to yourself? I was trying to look for the ^ aforementioned photo of me lying on the ground from my Twitter cause I have an inkling that I posted it there, but since it was taken in 2016 it meant I had to scroll suuuuper far down. I got to see some of the old tweets I made and man, I’ve always been funny HAHAHAHA thank fuck. What was the last injury you had? For some reason I have a deep cut on my thigh. It’s deep enough that it stings when I take a bath and the water hits it. I have no clue where it came from. Do you have manners? Yes, if I do say so myself. I’ve seen people my age who behave worse. Have your feelings for someone ever been a mistake? No, it’s never felt like this. Who did you think about before you went to bed? I wasn’t thinking of anyone. I just wanted to fall asleep last night. When was the last time you felt like a creeper? Maybe a few days ago when I scrolled too far down someone’s Instagram. Who do you plan on having wheel chair races with when you grow older? Angela, without a doubt lolol. Have you ever woken up and realized that yesterday really happened? Yes, but this feeling is reserved only for extremely good or extremely bad days. Do you know anyone without a middle name? Like, with just one name? Yes. When was the last time you broke down and cried? A few weeks ago when my mom hurled not-so-nice words to me. Have you ever been ditched? Probably in high school, but they weren’t memorable experiences. Have you ever been so scared that you ran faster than you ever before? No. When I’m scared I usually freeze up and have a hard time walking and always have to be held by my companion - in all the times men have harassed me in public, this is always what happens. How much did your latest sunglasses cost? Haven’t bought a pair in a while. Are you talking on the phone right now? Nope. Do you own any fish? I don’t anymore. When was the last time that you had a pet that died? April 19th when Nina’s cat, Arlee, passed away. Do you like spicy food? Love them, but I’m very particular about it. I love spicy Asian food the most since spice is always incorporated well into the dishes, like in curry or laksa. I hate when it just feels like spicy powder poured onto a dish cause then it doesn’t taste as good and it’s just pain in your mouth lol. When was the last time you had starbursts? Months ago.

#survey #surveys

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stella-maria7 · 4 years

Text

THE UNTAMED FAN FIC: DARKNESS & LIGHT

PROLOGUE

500 years ago…

Lan Jingyi was a righteous and capable young general that was well-respected by all the people in Guanting. He was just twenty-five years old but he had led armies to wars more than he could remember. And he always brought back victory. Never had he ever lost a single war in his life. Not until one day when he experienced the very first as well as the very last defeat from the group of peculiar foreign intruders he had never thought existed in the world. Vampires.

Spitting silver blood from his mouth, he kneeled on the blood-soaked ground through the support of his sword that was digging deep into the ground. He peered at the discarded bodies, who were once his fellow soldiers, all around him. Each corpse had their neck ripped open, face and body paled from losing all the blood to the creatures in front of him. The side of his neck had two blood-dripping holes that resulted from having two fangs inserted.

“From now on, you’ll be turning into one of us. The very kind that you despise so much.” Said the man who was their leader. “Live a life hating yourself boy. You have so much time on your hand. Just take it slow.”

“I’ll... just... kill... myself.” Jingyi struggled with each word as his body grew weak.

“Oh no. You can’t kill yourself you know. That is another curse for us vampires. Suicide is impossible. And we are one of the high-levelled vampires, meaning that we are hard to kill. Even by the same kind vampires. Only one sacred object can kill us, but I don’t think I am stupid enough to tell you.” Said a female vampire with long, blond hair. “But since you’re handsome, let me give you a tip. Your curse can be lifted and you’ll become human again.”

A tall, black-haired female vampire, who wore beads around her head and dangled it down her silky hair as a part of the hair ornament, walked towards him and placed her palm on his head. She closed his eyes and focused as if she was trying to read something from him.

“Oh no. She is doing it again. Why does she always give out divination for free?” complained the blond-haired vampire.

Once the black-haired vampire opened her eyes, she said. “Until a boy with a unique blood spilled his sapphire-blue blood, willingly, on your heart would your curse be lifted.” Then, she looked down at him, her eyes showing pity. “But remember, once the curse is lifted, you’ll undergo another cruel suffering that was worse than this curse itself.”

“Is there even a thing worse that this curse?” Jingyi sneered at the answer.

“Never underestimate the pain of a broken-heart.”

And that was all he could hear before the venom of their fangs started spreading through his veins, bringing a gut-wrenching pain that consumed all of his consciousness and only fed him back darkness.

For the rest of his life.

Present time...

Lan sizhui, a boy widely known for being the luckiest one in the world and also the adoptive son of the Lan conglomerate, was sitting in the back of the black limousine. Tonight was the graduation party night for all high school graduates. It should be one happy night but he didn't feel happy at all. Because tomorrow, he would be on a plane to The United States to further his study.

He knew it was his duty as an only heir to strive for the best, but for some reasons, he didn't want to be away from home. He had been alone before in the orphanage, and the feeling of having to live alone again brought back his past fear. However, he didn't tell this to his parents. Because he knew once he said it, they would change their mind and cancel his studying abroad immediately. Sizhui wanted to be as filial as he could so he had to overcome this fear. Of course, he was going to miss his papa's bright smile and his father's voice. But he was a grown up now. It was time for him to act like one.

Ring, ring

He took out his phone from the his pocket and checked the caller ID. He smiled brightly and picked up. "Hello Papa"

"A-yuan, are you there yet?" Wei Wixian asked his son.

"Not yet. But I think I will be arriving soon."

"OK. Text me when you get there alright? And don't stay out too late cuz you'll be on the plane early tomorrow."

"Yes, papa."

Wei Wuxian sighed. "I miss you already. How am I to survive without you for all those years?"

"You'll be fine, papa. Father will always accompany you."

"Lan Zhan? Huh” Wei Wuxian hissed under his breath. “He was so busy managing the company lately especially after signing that partnership. I could barely see him unless we are doing our everyday.”

Sizhui coughed at the word our everyday. He knew exactly what that keyword meant. He was so glad he was alone in the car that no one could see his blushing face.

“Oops. Sorry I blurted out R-Rated stuff to a kid.” Wei Wuxian fake his apologize.

“Papa, I am no longer a kid. I am eighteen now.”

Wei Wuxian echoed his pretended sniff over the line. “Yeah, yeah, my A-yuan is eighteen now. He’s an adult. He no longer needs his parents.”

“Papa please. I will always in need of you both.”

“Even after you are married and have kids of your own?”

“Papa!” SIzhui blushed even more.

“Alright, alright. You must nearly be there now. No more talking. Enjoy your party. Just don’t forget to text me once you arrive, alright?”

“Yes, papa. Goodbye.”

Once the line was dead, Sizhui looked at the black screen on his phone and smiled. How lucky he was to have such a caring parents. He put the phone on the car seat next to him and stared out the car window. Something wasn’t right. The road was getting quieter and darker. Surely not a route to the party place. He picked up the car's phone and rang his chauffeur to ask if they were lost. But the man said that the usual road was under construction so they had to take a detour, and the GPS provided him this path. Sizhui thanked his driver and put down the phone. He continued to stare at the dark view outside the window when suddenly the car screeched and came to an abrupt stop.

“Young master Lan, there is a body of a man blocking our path.” The driver asked through the car’s phone.

“Body of the man?” Sizhui was worried about that person. He must had been severely injured to lie down in the middle of the road like that. “Let’s go and help him.” Both of them get out of the car and left the car’s engine running so they could use the headlights to illuminate the dark street.

There, in the middle of the street, a man in long, black-hair was lying still on the ground. Sizhui ran faster and reached the man before his driver did. He touched the body and was so shocked that the man was as cold as ice. He placed two fingers above the philtrum to check whether the man was still breathing or not, and was relieve to know that he still did. He shook the man gently but the man didn’t move at all. Without further delay, he reached out for his phone to call for help when he realized he’d left it in the car. He then turned to the driver who was now kneeling next to him. “Mr. Zin, please hurry to the car and call 911. This man needed help from the paramedics as fast as possible.”

The driver nodded his head and ran back to the car. As Sizhui was left alone, he checked to see if there were any injury on the man but he found none, despite the clothes was tattered in lot of places. He wondered how the man breathed when there was no movement on his chest at all. Absentmindedly, he placed his palm over the man’s left chest to feel his heart. Instantly, the man opened both of his eyes revealing silver pupils that were as sharp as blades and slapped Sizhui’s hand away. The man’s strength was so strong that his slap sent Sizhui flying a couple of steps away.

Sizhui braced the fall using his hands, scraping them to the road. He winced in pain at the impact but tried his best to get up. When he was back to his feet, he looked to the spot where he was sent flying from only to realize that the man was no longer there. He turned around to search for him but he was nowhere in sight.

“Young master Lan, I have called 911 and they said they’d be here to pick up the man in…” the driver trailed off when he no longer saw the man. “Huh, where did he go?”

“I am sorry Master Zin but look like you’ll have to make call again to cancel the ambulance.” Sizhui said with a smile.

“Did he just got up on his own and walk away?”

“Seems like it.”

Standing with his mouth hung open, the driver murmured to himself as he was walking to the car “I hope we are not seeing a ghost.”

Sizhui stared at that spot one last time before he turned around and walked to his car. As he walked, he sensed something dripping from his fingers. He lifted his left hand up to see blue liquids ran in rivulets from his wrist to his fingertips. He must had had injured himself during the fall back then.

Taking out a handkerchief from his pocket, he wrapped it tight at the wound to conceal it and continued his walk.

Yes, he was born with a unique sapphire-blue blood.

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vigerous-anus · 4 years

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An open letter to my abusive mother.

Mom. - This has been the longest we've gone without talking. This is the longest we've ever been apart. It's also the farthest in distance we've ever been apart. I made the conscious decision to draw clear boundaries for the first time. It looks like I'm doing all sorts of new things on my own, huh? It's funny, because you always acted like I never could. Why is it, mom; that even though you always said I could do whatever I wanted in life I always felt undercut and put down? Why is it I always felt less than my sister, even though you said you harbor no favoritism? On that note, why is it that you were so obsessive about the subject of favoritism? You always brought it up even if it wasn't bothering her and I. It's almost like you have a guilty conscience. Sorry for the bitter notes, but I'm just trying to understand.

Mom. - We used to be so close. At least I thought we were. Even though you never stopped your husband... Even though you enabled him for 11 years in abusing me and the animals... I still trusted you with everything I am. I still leaned on you and looked to you for direction. It was only when my sister and I were trying to find a ride out of the house that night your husband was threatening suicide that I began to notice how sick you are. You were chasing him around comforting him, when you should have been there with my sister and I. You should have been comforting your wailing and terrified daughter. Yet it was I who took that role. It was I who stood up and asked for help. It was I who took her hand and led her out of the fire. Mom. - That was your job. You didn't even blink twice when I told you her and I were leaving for the night. Instead you told me to be quiet so he wouldn't hear us leaving. You were protecting yourself, so you wouldn't get yelled at. You were trying to shelter him, so he'd calm down and not hurt himself. Mom. - You texted me later that night and said everything was fixed and you and him were happier than you'd ever been. You then told my sister and I the next day how happy you were he had, ''changed''. You got angry at me and mocked me when I was disgusted with your nonchalance. You gave me an ''apology'' later that night. It was moreso you justifying your feelings and how you had a just reason to pop off on me, rather than a genuine apology. You told me he said he didn't hate me but that you knew he did. You also said he told you he'd try harder to be a better person. I told you we'd all see the day he put down the act. Tell me, mom. - How could your world revolve around someone you knew full well hated me? You saw the hell he put me through every single day and you did nothing. You sat idely in the back.

Mom. - I remember when the abuse first started. We had beef stew that night. We were watching top 10 deadly creatures on the science channel. Your husband accused me of eating raw sugar out of his sugar container. I told him I hadn't been. He accused me of lying and he yelled at me. It seems like such a small thing, but he was filled with such vile hatred that night. My trust was broken. I remember being so confused because he hadn't acted that way to me prior. I had loved him and trusted him. You told me you knew I'd done it because my sister ''wouldn't do that''.

Mom.- When I was 12 and my mental illnesses developed... When I told you I felt that my sister was being favorited over me... You acted like I was crazy. YOU asked ME at 12 years old if YOU should ''put me away''. When your husband suggested I was going to give you a heartattack and he forced me to google how stress causes heartattacks in your age group, you sat there in silence. When your husband forced me to do yardwork for hours to ''toughen out'' the depression, you sent me out rake in hand. It took years for you to truly understand and get me the help I needed.

Mom. - I remember the day I brought the abuse to your attention. I was about 14. We were getting food for the animals. It was raining. He, for no reason, went off on me about something. When we got home that afternoon you and I were unloading hay in the barn. You begged me to tell you what was bothering me. I was terrified, but for the first time ever I confided in you about the abuse. I told you that I felt he was abusing me. You told me that abuse is a strong word to use, but you knew he was mean. I remember that day so well, because you undercut me in that moment. You begged me to confide in you. I put all of my courage together, and yet you invalidated everything I said to you.

Mom. - When you found out I had been selfharming and eating 400 calories a day because of the abuse, you told me that was better than me killing myself. How did it not give you any redflags? How did it not terrify you that I was in my room making myself bleed? How did it not terrify you that I was restricting food when I love food? On that note, to this day how is it ok for you to always hound me about my weight even though you know how much I struggle with it? Why would you want to push me to check the scale even though I told you it triggers those unhealthy tendencies? I remember the day I was laying next to you on the bed in a cheaha cabin. You told me you could feel my ribs, and it made my entire week. I see photos of myself during that time, and I envy what I used to look like compared to now. You do not make that easier on me, mom. - My scars made you sad, but you'd always repeat the notion that it was better than me killing myself. Mom. - That's like saying being an alcoholic is better than being a heroin addict.

Mom. - You had me record your fetish work when I was a minor. I was barely into my teens. You asked me to tell you if it made me uncomfortable, but that wasn't up to me. You should have kept your business your business. You shouldn't have told me your crazy sex stories. You shouldn't have overshared to my sister and I through the years. You shouldn't have incorperated me into it. You shouldn't have used me as help. Because of you, my views on sex are very warped. I feel extreme dysmorphia towards my own body. Somedays, I don't even want to be in it. I can't imagine showing it to anyone else. You never gave me sex-ed. You bought me books you hadn't even looked through yourself. This last year you hounded me more than you had before about getting started into the fetish work. You told me my anxiety was to bad for a ''real job''. I know you were scared I wouldn't make it, but you were the one who constantly undercut me. You blamed me for my exaustion. You blamed me for sleeping all day. You blamed it on my food patterns. You blamed it on my lack of working out. You never stopped to think I should go to a physician. When I told you it was from the abuse and depression, you just gave me two extra vitamins and 30 extra minutes before I took care of the farm I didn't ask for, and let alone mainly by myself.

Mom. - When I decided I wanted to be a CNA, you warned me it was an impossible job. I told you I felt called to it. I went to school for it, and every day I got home you asked me if I was sure I should really be doing this. When I told you I thought I couldn't finish my final exams, you told me of course I could. When I graduated I worked a grueling 5 months as a CNA. When you saw me having panic attacks every other hour, you told me you didn't know how to help but that I couldn't quit because every job would be like this. You made me believe it was me, not the job. You told me if I quit the abuse would start again. You told me your husband would be so disappointed in me. I kept on for another two weeks. The DON told me I needed to resign because she was scared I'd kill myself if I continued longterm. I told her I was terrified because your husband would be mad. She asked me if he was usually mean to me. I had to lie and tell her no, he just has high expectations. I quit that night relieved but terrified. I felt like the biggest disappointment and you both acted like I was. My sister cried to you and told you it wasn't worth my life for me to continue the job. That should have been enough, mom. You didn't even listen to her.

Mom. - You have told me throughout the 11 years I was abused you would never take back marrying your husband. You told me that God set it up, so you knew there was a ''purpose'' in my abuse. You told me October of 2019, after your husband died that you could tell I was happier and doing better. You proceeded to tell me if you could go back, you'd do it all again because you can't live without him. Mom. - How do you think it felt to have you tell me you would place that burden right back on my shoulders in one heartbeat given the chance? That was the moment, mom... Wherein I knew I couldn't trust you. While we're on the subject, mom... That day we all drove a few cities over, you talked the entire car ride how your husband was a beautiful soul and how he's in heaven and he always wanted to help everyone he came across. You talked about what a ''great dad'' he was to Heather, and a ''great husband'' to you. I ignored you the entire car ride, seething in anger and steeped in a feeling of betrayal. You kept trying to get me to talk to you about what was bothering me. I didn't tell you, but you guessed it on your own. You told me, ''I know this isn't what you want to hear and it'll make you unhappy, but if this is about me talking about my husband then I'm sorry but I'm not going to stop.'' All in a few weeks, mom... You made it clear to me what I felt all along. As long as you're happy, it doesn't matter how it effects me.

Mom.- I didn't ask to be born. I didn't ask for you to put me in that situation. You always complained to me how you were ''caught in the middle''. Mom.- Nobody put you in the middle except for yourself. When it's between your husband who's abusing your daughter, and your daughter... You choose your daughter. You never chose me. When you did speak up for me, it was cut short and you didn't follow up with it hardly ever. You always let me know when you did it, as if you deserved a trophy for actually saying something in my favor. You said you loved everything about him. How can you diss all of the friends who stabbed me in the back, but not your husband who hated me more than them? How can you diss the church leaders who abused me when what they did is so similar to what he did to me, yet go home and have your world revolve around him? How can you do that and expect me to feel your love, mom? It's no wonder you had mercy for Denise. You related to the blind loyalty she has to her husband, even over me.

Mom.- You watched me tremble in fear. You watched my memory dissolve through the years. You watched me get suicidal. You watched me sleep all day. You watched me hurt myself. You saw me barely surviving and yet you never intervened. I always thought that someday... Someday he'll push it to far and you'll leave him. That hope left me that day you told me you'd never leave him no matter what he did or didn't do. You stayed true to that. If he didn't die, I'd still be dealing with the abuse, mom. I didn't know how long I was going to be able to just run off of basic survival mode, mom. His death saved my life, and ruined yours. It's no wonder you have such an internal conflict. You know what disgusts me? If I sent this to you, you wouldn't read it. You would make someone else read it or you'd delete it. You'll sit on the computer for hours telling me how unhealthy I am and how that's because of my weight and the lack of leafy greens in my diet. Yet, mom; You won't listen to the actual problems when I bring them to you. I didn't try to run you off that day I sent you the last text message you recieved. I wanted to talk peacefully. I didn't answer your call because I knew you'd fight and I didn't want our latest call to be of us fighting. I still wonder to this day if you even went back to read that message I sent you after you kicked me out. You never listen, mom.

Mom.- I forgave you for not properly schooling me, but the fact you did the same exact thing to my sister is beyond me. How could you neglect her so much while also favoring her? She has zero life skills at 16 years old because of you. She, like me when I was 16 years old; doesn't know basic math because of you. I fear of you getting arrested for that, mom. In the end though, I have my sisters best interest at heart. You made your decisions. You took your chances. That was your decision, not mine.

Mom.- It feels so weird that you don't know I've had an ER visit and multiple doctors appointments. When I was in the ER, all I could think about was that you should be there. You should know. It just isn't right, but again... That isn't my fault. You did this to yourself. It feels so odd that you don't know I'm on medications. It feels odd you don't know about my progress and achievements. It's weird to think you don't know where I am. Mom.- In that email you sent me, you didn't even ask me if I'm ok. If I'm homeless, or where I'm staying. I can't seem to put the pieces of the puzzle you scattered into place, but I'm trying.

Mom.- My main thought through the abuse and even now is that I just want happiness. There is so much from my childhood I am looking at through new eyes, and if I put it all down once I remembered it all, I'd have enough for a trilogy. Mom, I have gained my freedom and I'm on the road to true peace and joy in my life. But mom; I want happiness for you. After all you've done, after all you will still do, and even after that email you sent me on Christmas, I just want you to be happy and free. I saw how much he strangled you inside. He held us all down under an iron fist, and yes you let him... But I still just want happiness for you. I often think of who you were as a teenager and young adult. Or, what you told me you were like. I want you to have that peace back. I want you to have that strength back. The diginity you had then, I want you to have now. I want you to remember how to be a human being without someone else's help. I want you to raise my sister properly. I want you to give her proper education and resources. I want you to give her a license and a car. I want you to help her spread her wings. I want all three of us to be united someday, healthy and truly free. At this point, I don't know if you'll live long enough for that to happen between your alcoholic tendencies and reckless decisions. Mom.- I have to live my life regardless to what you decide to do. I just hope you wake up before it's to late.

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breathebangtan · 5 years

Text

Of Sinners and Stars

Part 1

Members: OT7

Genre: Mafia!au

Synopsis: After losing her father, her life gets turned upside down when she gets in trouble with the Mafia and ends up with no choice but to join them

Eventual Pairings: Jimin x Y/N (x Hoseok) / Jungkook x Yoonji / Seokjin x Namsoon

Warnings: violence, cursing, blood, mentioning of gunshots. Gang related things

Word count: 6.3k

A/N: like always enjoy! If you do, please do like and reblog!

Living life on the run was starting to get exhausting, and man did that make me happy to be in Seoul, where all my problems end. If only my mom could be here, all I could hope for is that she’s alive, her and auntie. Keeping hope this whole time was hard, but maybe now it’ll be easier to find them both.

I take a deep breath and relax myself before getting out of the train. I hadn’t realized that the view of the ocean would be so close to the terminal. “A little detour couldn’t hurt, right?” I sigh as I whisper to myself. I wasn’t going to move on with the plan until the morning. Finding a hotel to stay in was my priority at the moment, but I could spare a few minutes to catch some fresh air. After a four hour train ride, I think I deserve that much.

It isn't a cold night, but the fresh breeze the ocean waves brought in left chills on my bare arms and legs. It was nice after being suffocated inside a train. I closed my eyes to take in the fresh air, but suddenly I heard gunshots. They were getting closer to where I was. My eyes shot open immediately looking to find where the sound was coming from. Once I located the noise was, I bolted in the opposite direction. I wasn't sure where I was going, I just knew I needed to be far away from whatever that commotion was. I'd just gotten to Seoul, I wasn't about to die now.

In the midst of my running I stumble across a boat dock. There's dozens of boats stationed, no one in sight, at least that's what it seems like. Thinking on my feet, I jump onto one of them. I could hide it out here until it's safe.

“Someone’s on the deck, go check it!” I heard one man say and shortly after, footsteps echoed. I panicked and ducked behind some boxes they had out on display, as a matter of fact they had many boxes. I covered my mouth so he wouldn’t hear me and wondered what kind of things they had in the boxes. If the voice wasn't so aggressive I wouldn't have had such thoughts, but my guess was they were carrying something illegal, if they reacted like that. “Did you find them?” I heard the same voice ask. Here I was, hiding on a vacant boat in order to not get shot, just to find out it isn’t vacant, and end up in a worse situation. “Not yet.” A voice much closer to me responded and I started crawling towards another box and sat behind it.

“I’m sure I heard a thud, they couldn’t have disappeared, we would have heard a splash in the water.” The first voice spoke again and I felt my heart sink, as I realized that the boat had started to move. If I jump they’ll hear me and know where I was, and even if they couldn’t catch me fast enough those gunshots were still audible, so I had to choose quickly. Jump and risk being shot or stay on the boat, get caught, and possibly kidnapped.

With panic pumping in my veins I stood up and sprinted towards the edge of the boat and jumped as I heard the man's voice. “Get her!” He said, I hadn’t realized just how close one of them was to me until he caught me by the waist mid jump and brought me back down. I started kicking and yelling but he covered my mouth. As I was about to bite his hand he removed it just so his partner could cover it back up with tape and then my head with a black bag. “Tie her up quickly and I’ll finish packing up the boxes into the boat. The boss is going to love this.” He told the man holding me, a chuckle leaving his throat. My body felt cold with fear as to what awaited me.

When he brought me to what I assumed was the inside of the boat, I felt him push me from the stairs and I hit my cheek and eye. That side of my face started pounding and I could feel blood come down from that area. I suddenly felt the man tie my hands behind my back and my legs as well. After that he tossed me down again and I hit my arm and the back of my head this time.

Now all I could feel was a really heavy darkness come over me and I felt myself drifting asleep. I tried so hard to stay up but I couldn’t, the fact that I hadn’t slept since how many hours ago and now I’ve hit my head twice was obviously getting to me. The last thing I knew before giving in to the sleep was that I could feel the boat start to move faster.

“Hey, wake up! It’s time for you to meet the boss.” A familiar voice said to me and I wasn’t sure why it was familiar, nor where I was. I blinked my eyes a couple times and then a sharp pain came from one side of my face and the back of my head. I also realized I had a bag over my face and that’s when I remembered where I was.

Before I had time to think anything more, arms were wrapped around my waist and I was tossed over one of the man’s shoulders. When he stepped out of the boat I could see through the bag over my head the tiniest bit, as the light from the sun made it somewhat see through. From what I could make out there was water behind us and we were on top of a boat dock, then briefly concrete and then grass. Lots of grass, after awhile of walking in the grass I saw we entered a path and on each side there was huge trees and the more we walked away from it, I could tell it was like a fence of trees surrounding something. Maybe a house? But my question was answered eventually, when we entered huge doors that I knew only mansions had. Of course, I would know having lived in one, It was a mansion the trees covered, without a doubt. The question now was, who’s place was this, and why was it covered?

The men came to a left turn after entering the doors and not too long after stopped and knocked on a door. I was just praying they’d sit me down somewhere fast because the man's shoulder was starting to poke my rib cage. After a minute or so the door finally opened and I heard three different footsteps walking around now, including my kidnappers. The man holding me dropped me on the floor, hitting my shoulder blade and head in the process. At this point I might as well have a damn concussion.

“Fuck.” I mumbled to myself, as more pain was added to what I was already feeling.

“Untie her.” A new voice said, and this voice sounded like it was attached to a much younger man, someone in his twenties. It had a nice tone, it was deep but not exaggerated. Not like the men from earlier who sounded more worn out and attached to someone in their early forties or late thirties. One of the two men got closer to me and untied my wrists and I rubbed each wrist after.

“About time, those fucken ropes were killing me.” I whispered to myself, but unlucky for me the man heard me and started kicking my side. I couldn’t help but groan and cough, I could practically feel the bruises forming.

“Who do you think you’re talking to?” He said to me as I winced and covered my body with my now free hands.

“That’s enough!” The young man said to them, authority very clear in his stern voice. “Get. Out. Now.” He instructed them, and shortly after I heard them walk out and doors close.

I flinched at first when I felt two strong arms help me up but I relaxed when I didn’t get hurt. Instead, he guided me to a chair and sat me down.

“There, that’s better right?” He asked me as he took the bag off my head, the tape that was placed over my mouth last night barely attached to the side of it now. I nodded slowly as I looked at him blinking repeatedly to adjust my vision, peeling the tape off. The man before me was wearing a suit, hair pushed back and parted mostly to one side. The color of it was an interesting choice, it was ash gray that really fit him. I was right, he was young.

The way the sun entered the room from the window made his eyes shine in such a beautiful way. If it wasn’t for the situation we were in I would have asked his number, although he might have responded he was too old for me, not that, that bothered me. He proceeded to pick up my backpack from the floor next to his desk.

I figured that one of the men from earlier brought it, as I remember one of them taking it off me before tying me up. I watched the young man sit in his luxurious chair and set my backpack on his desk. He quickly unzipped it and poured everything out. At that moment I was just thankful that my bras and panties were in the smaller compartment inside the bag.

“Chae Y/N, huh? You’re 19, are you?” He asks as he looks at my ID in one hand and holds my wallet in his other.

“Yes, I am.” I answer his question in a small voice.

“Did you graduate high school recently?” He asks me and I nod instantly. “Interesting, if you’ve graduated, why are you wearing your school uniform?” I wish I would have thought of a lie like I did to the hotel clerks. Saying I was still in high school and had summer classes, which was very common, and no one ever questioned.

“I wear it so that I can get cheaper prices when staying at hotels. I tell them I’m getting abused at home and that I need a place to stay while I figure things out and they feel sorry for me.” I explained to him, which I wasn’t completely lying but truth be told, there was more to the story. I was supposed to graduate the day my father was killed. I was finishing last minute preparations for it in our kitchen when I heard men yelling and gunshots coming from the entrance of our mansion. I was still wearing my uniform through the whole ordeal. After escaping I went to a hotel to figure things out and that’s how I realized I could get them to give me practically a free room.

“Manipulator, I see.” He says to me as he puts my ID back in my wallet.

“Call it whatever you want, I call it survival.” I told him and I realized I was speaking a little boldly to the man who I should be more kind to or at the very least compliant with, or else who knows what would happen to me.

“Designer clothes? Did you steal them?” He asks looking at my clothes one by one. I wasn’t sure how to answer that, would agreeing to it make me seem bad or good? Or would telling him that I’m from a wealthy family put a price over my head?

“Aren’t you going to answer? The fact that you’re hesitating makes me doubt what you’ll answer.”

“I didn’t steal them.” I answer honestly, I figure that even if it put a price over my head, that price would be erased as soon as he realized my father is dead and mother is missing. “So you bought them? Tell me, are you from a wealthy family? Do you live in a mansion? But if you do, what was the motive for being on my boat trying to steal my things last night?” He tossed questions around and by the end of it he accused me of trying to steal from him, which left me confused because that never happened.

“I’m sorry, tried to steal? I would never steal from you, I swear there was a misunderstanding and I can explain.” He leaned back In his chair after I was done speaking as if inviting me to continue.

“Look, I swear I didn’t steal or try to steal from you. I was on that boat hiding because I heard gunshots and panicked. I didn’t think anyone was on the boat so late at night and I was going to leave as soon as the gunshots stopped. I swear it’s true.” I explained the situation to him. He clasped his hands together and had a look on his face as if thinking.

“Why were you out so late? You say you come from a wealthy family, you have designer clothes in your backpack. Yet you say you use your uniform to get cheap prices at hotels. Why the need for cheap prices if your rich? As a matter of fact why would you need a hotel to begin with? Either something happened to your family, or you lied and really did steal these clothes and the reason you stay in hotel rooms is so you can have people up there with you behind doors and get paid for the things you do for them. So which is it?” He asked, but by the tone of his voice it sounded like he had already made a conclusion. While I was baffled by his speculations, I didn’t know what to feel, whether to be shocked by him being spot on or offended by his last accusation.

“Alright you don’t have to answer, I already know.” He confirmed my thoughts on him having already made up his mind.

“It’s the first one correct. Your facial expressions gave it away. When I mentioned the first one you seemed disturbed and pained and your eyes became glassy, but at the mention of the second you seemed offended and disgusted. So I’ve got you all figured out now.” I let myself take a deep breath and release it before I panicked again. As I did he reached for his phone and I watched him carefully as he did to me. “Hoseok, bring the boys to my office, we have someone to discuss about.” He spoke to the phone and seconds after he did he hung up. From there he leaned in his chair again and stared at me with such a look that I felt intimidated by it.

The waiting time for the person he called, Hoseok as I was now aware of, didn’t take long. Five minutes tops, but under his gaze it felt like an hour, each minute was agonizing under his presence. I dreaded what they all needed to talk about, why couldn’t they just let me go? I understand he thinks I stole, or at least tried to, from him but I thought I’d explained it to him. I didn’t do anything. So why couldn’t he just let me free? Why did he need them to come? What did he need to discuss? Finally the door opened and I heard multiple footsteps come in.

“Where are Yoongi and Jimin?” The man asked as he stood from his desk and walked over to me, abruptly turning my chair left of his desk, where a couch was.

“They’re preparing the last bits of information for your meeting this afternoon. They’ll be here soon.” A new man responded, whom I assumed was Hoseok. He was dressed casually in contrast to ‘The Boss’, as the men from earlier called him, just ripped jeans and a loose cardigan sweater with a tee inside.

“Is this who we’re talking about?” He asked as he sat down in the middle of the couch directly in front of me, with the other three men who came in with him. At least I knew one name out of the five men who were here. One of the men had a nice suit on, except the blazer was replaced by a doctors coat, two pens tucked into the breast pocket of it.

Another man with very light almost faded green hair let out a sigh as he looked at me briefly, then to the young man who sat next to him who had dark brown hair. They too, had on casual clothing. All of them were dressed in expensive pieces of clothing, that much I could tell. They all looked very young, I guessed they were between early to mid twenties.

“She’s quite beautiful, isn’t she?” Hoseok asked as he winked at me. I didn’t know whether to ignore it or to flirt back in hopes that it would help me survive. So I crossed one leg over the other, showing slightly more skin and gave him a daring stare.

He was about to respond to what I was doing but the door opened one more time and I looked over to see the two men we were waiting for come in. Yoongi and Jimin. Now I just needed to figure out which name belonged to who. Then I would know three names out of seven.

The two men had on slacks, but one of them had on a sweater which was blue and white, the other man wore a button up. The ladder shook his head lightly, as he closed the door behind himself, as to fix his almond blonde hair. The man who accompanied him ran his hand through his hair, which was pink and purple in a nice mix of splotches. I guess I found it interesting that these type of men would have dyed hair, because of how intimidating they were. He sat down next to Hoseok, and stared right at me as soon as he had, making me nervous.

“Let’s begin, shall we?” The man behind me walked over to the others who were seated on the couch, giving them what looked like my ID and backpack. I would be lying if I said the vibe they gave off wasn’t utterly intimidating, but somehow I was drawn to it.

“A high school student, as expected from her uniform.” The one in a doctor suit stated looking over my ID.

“And a rich kid.” Big green says as he looks through my clothes and shows the rest.

“Happy belated birthday, it says here your birthday was last week.” Hoseok says, as he looks over my ID. He gives me a smile, and the man behind me completely disregards it, continuing with my interrogation.

“Oh, she’s not a high school student. Go ahead, tell them why you’re wearing your uniform.” The man behind me urged me to tell them. I swallowed hard before I explained. “I wear my uniform to get cheaper prices at hotels. I tell them I get abused at home and that I need a place to stay to figure things out, and it usually works well enough to get me nearly a free room.” I avoided their eyes and looked down slightly as I knew that they most likely were thinking the same thing the man behind me thought when I explained it to him.

“Dirty.” Big green says, confirming what I thought. I looked at him with anger in my eyes, glaring at him. I was trying to get myself killed, I know it. I always had this problem since I was younger. Yes, I could be panicking and afraid but somehow, I could still manage to be bold and careless.

“Why would you need cheaper priced hotel rooms? You’re rich aren’t you? Actually, why would you need a hotel room to begin with?” One of the two men who came late asked. “I don’t know Yoongi, what is telling you the truth going to do for me?” I asked in a very bold and daring way.

I had a 50/50 chance of getting his name right, and by the look of his expression and frankly the rest of the men, I got it right. I pinched myself discreetly in the thigh, because the more I thought about this situation, the more it was clear what they were. Nice suits and expensive clothing, mansion with dogs who retrieve goods for them, the man behind me gets called ‘boss’. It was more than clear. Yet here I was acting bold risking being killed by them.

“How’d you know his name?” The other of the two asked. “Oh, that’s a simple answer, Jimin. When the others came in, your boss here asked Hoseok where the two of you were at.” I explained to him, pointing at the man behind me and Hoseok who was sitting in front of me.

“Impressive, but how’d you get my name?” Hoseok asked. “When he called you, obviously.” I replied and I honestly wanted to slap myself silly. If they didn’t kill me it would be a miracle.

“Why is she even here?” One of the men who hadn’t spoken yet asked. The one with dark brown hair.

“Well last night at around twelve she got on one of our boats and tried stealing from us. She says she wasn’t stealing but was actually seeking shelter because she heard gunshots near by and panicked. What do you guys think?” The man behind me explained to them and waited for them to respond. I couldn’t believe he still thought I was stealing, but I guess he wouldn’t believe a stranger so easily.

“Maybe it’s true, why would she steal if she’s loaded?” Big green gives his opinion.

“If she was rich why would she stay in hotels? She probably stole the clothes in her backpack. I always take care of the trash. Let me take care of her.” Yoongi offered as he got up and walked towards me and in a panic of not knowing what to do I stood up and backed up, making them all rush to their feet.

“W-wait… wait! I can do anything you want me to, I know how to fight, you’re a mafia right? I can do whatever you need me to. I swear I didn’t steal from you, I-I-I’ve killed before,” I looked down to my feet and swallowed hard. I let myself fall to my knees as I continued to plead with them.

“I can do it again if you need me to. I’ve been trained to kill. I’ll be wasted potential if you kill me because I have so much to offer. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it, just please let me live.” I pleaded to them and they all looked at each other.

They looked like they were all in deep thought until the boss spoke again. “Alright, someone take her to a room. Keep her locked in their until I get back, I have a meeting. We’ll finish discussing this at dinner.” No one offered themselves to take me though. I couldn’t help but look down at my hands and wait. Honestly, I’d been so nervous and panicked this whole time, which may be a surprise to anyone else because I seemed calm and even careless but truly, I was a mess on the inside.

“Alright, no one's going to offer up to take her?” He asked them again, but Jimin stepped up, “I’ll take her, don’t worry.” He told the man.

“Great, you’re in charge of her from now on, got it? I’ll see you all later.” He picked up his briefcase from his desk and walked out. Everyone else started to leave too as I just stared at Jimin as he reached for my stuff and handed it to me.

“Follow me, I’ll show you to your room.” He said as he walked out, and I of course followed along. We walked towards a big staircase. It was wide at the bottom and at the top it split up to the right and left.

“You have a really nice mansion. Makes me miss mine.” I whispered the last part. It wasn’t that I was a spoiled rich kid who didn’t care for anyone who was ‘below me’ but I did miss the comfort of my own. It was all I knew.

“So you weren’t lying about being rich? You can be honest with me, I won’t hurt you.” He gave me such a kind smile that made me think I wasn’t even in such a terrible situation. Like I wasn’t even in trouble with the Mafia, but the authority his vibe gave off told me otherwise. Even if their vibe drew me in.

“I know your boss thinks I was lying, but the truth is I do come from a wealthy family and the clothes are mine. I know it looks sketchy because I used my uniform to get cheap hotel rooms and I was on your boat, but I can explain all that.” I told him, and I was sure I would have to explain because his boss made it clear we’d discuss it later. Once we reached the top of the stairs I noticed glass doors that lead to what looked like a lounge room, but it was full of plants and flowers, and couches here and there and some tables. The room was big and further down there seemed to be a balcony. It had a greenhouse vibe and it complemented the mansion very well. From there we took a turn into a hallway with many rooms.

“He’s not my boss, all seven of us are. He’s considered the boss, well more accurately, the leader, between us seven, but we all hold power. Regarding your situation, I believe you, don’t worry.” He smiled at me as we walked passed a living room, before there was more rooms.

“That’s an interesting set up for a Mafia, and thank you, I really appreciate that at least one of you believes me.”

We didn’t walk down much longer before stopping in front of a door. He unlocked it and let me in. “My room is right in front of yours so if you need anything just scream. Feel free to shower or get comfortable. I’ll be back later for dinner.” He let me know before closing the door again and locking it.

The room was absolutely beautiful. From the door, the wall was made of a beautiful dark colored brick. Once you walked away from the entrance and stepped down the steps, the floor and wall was made of wood and I was met by a glass wall with a sliding door which was open and at both sides there was a big grey curtain that hung from the ceiling to the floor. The color matched the color scheme of the bed which was only separated from the glass wall by a wide bedside table which had multiple drawers of different sizes. On the other side of the bed there was another. The wood was a very pretty brown that gave a warm feeling to counter the cold vibe the gray furniture around the room gave.

On each side of the bed above the bedside stands there was a yellow square made of wood that seemed like a painting. In the middle of it there was a smaller brown square which was covered by a light bulb hanging from the ceiling. I turned the lights on and the yellow background that the square offered the light made the room warmer. In the ceiling itself there was three lights on each side, inside it. I set my bag down on my bed and wondered if I should explore the room more or shower like Jimin suggested.

I choose the former and looked to my right and was met by more glass walls. The door was near the opposite wall from the original entrance and I pulled it open, walking into the room. There was a tv mounted on the wall. The couch in front of the tv matched the color scheme which was grey and yellow. The coffee table was made out of glass as well and rested on a light blue, yellow, and grey carpet.

Further behind the couch, there was a small room with a desk inside it. The glass door was closed and I decided to walk back to the main part of the room to figure out where the bathroom was. I walked back towards my bed closing the door I came in from behind me. On the end of the room, the wall was completely black, but there was also a black glass door, and I figured it was the closet so I grabbed my bag and walked inside. It was a walk in closet and at the end of it there was another door which lead to the bathroom. Since I was in here, I decided to take a shower. The bathrooms luxury matched that of the bedroom and mansion in general.

I was paying too much attention to the details of this room, and I knew exactly why. Because I hadn’t had time to grief over what happened to my father and not knowing where my mother is, was eating away at me. It had been two months but I didn’t give myself time to grief because I hadn’t found a plan yet, and I knew that if I broke down I wouldn’t be able to get up again. All that went to hell as soon as I stepped in the shower and closed the door behind me. The moment the water touched my body I let the tears fall down. My loud sobs sounding like thunder and the water reminded me of rain, and I decided to let myself submerge into the thunderstorm that I was feeling inside myself. Before coming in here I noticed the clock that sat on the bedside stand marked that it was 11am, so I decided it was okay to give myself time in here. I wasn’t going to get out this room until dinner tonight, like they had said.

Before I knew it two hours had gone by and I finally turned off the water and walked out. I reached inside my backpack, which was on the sink, and pulled out some ointment. I rubbed some on the cut that was left on my cheekbone, and the side of my eyebrow from last night. I headed back into the closet, not sure if to place my clothes in the empty cabinets and shelves. Was I going to stay here? Or were they still thinking of getting rid of me? The man with gray hair told Jimin he was in charge of me from now on, it sounded as if I would be here for a long time, but I wasn’t sure.

I gave in and just started organizing my clothes and picked out an outfit to wear. I choose to wear a gray tracksuit. I kept the jacket unzipped and under I was wearing a cropped tank top. The fabric of the tracksuit was very soft and the sweats weren’t tight, but they weren’t baggy either, they were just right. I looked at myself in the mirror of my closet and noticed the dark bruise on my side. It was the same place the two men from earlier had kicked me with such aggression. I had known it would leave a bruise, I just didn't think it was that bad. I sighed and went to put my shoes on and walked to the bed again, contemplating whether or not to call the cops as I brushed my hair.

The only reason I hadn’t already was because my father warned me that if something like this were to ever happen, to lay low and not make my whereabouts be known. The reason being the people who were after him being after myself as well. The sole purpose of me traveling to Seoul was so I could get help, but I wanted to get help far away from where it all happened. However, this is the Mafia we’re talking about, was calling the cops going to help anyone? I laid back on the bed and closed my eyes, wondering what I should do. My mind wanders off into dreamland.

However, it felt more like nightmare land, as I relived the night of my father’s death. I sat back up suddenly in a rush, I had the numbers dialed and my finger on top of the call button but I was afraid to click it. Before I could actually do it though, I hear keys and the door being opened. I quickly turn my phone off and shove it under one of the pillows, before getting up in a rush.

“Dinners being prepared, let’s go down.” Jimin instructed as he beckoned me, and I obeyed. With the whole closet organization, and long shower, and now my small nightmare, I hadn't noticed it was nearly 5 in the afternoon. He closed the door behind us and I wondered if I could out run him, but even if I could, they had guards. Before I could make a decision he was walking in front of me and I followed.

“You okay? I know you must be scared, but I can assure you that we won’t harm you.” He tried comforting me and I nodded in response. He looked into my eyes and I realized he’d only asked because my eyes were red and puffy from all the crying.

They were much less intense than earlier, but he still noticed it. We reached the stairs again and he lead us down them. We entered a hallway which then lead to the dining room which was viewed by the kitchen. The kitchen was huge and modern. There was two separate counter tops, one with a sink and another with a stove on it. The whole thing was made out of a beautifully dark brown shiny wood, with many cabinets. The actual counter tops were made out of a very pretty white and gray marble. There was quite some space between them and to the far left of both there was another countertop and cabinets under it and a sink as well of identical color scheme. Above it on the wall was multiple glass cabinets filled with wine glasses. From one of the separated countertops, the one with the sink, there was a table coming out from it. It was a bit longer in length from each side compared the counter top, but not by much. It had one chair on each end and eight along the side.

“Sit here with me, the others are on their way.” He informed me and we sat in the middle of the table. Behind us there was two large couches and two smaller ones with a coffee table in the middle with a huge floor to ceiling window that gave a view to the outside. I let my feet rest on the white tile floor. The more nervous I felt the more I looked around and observed the kitchen. I was admiring the three light bulbs hanging from the ceiling of each end of the table when I suddenly saw familiar faces. The others were here.

My nervous were skyrocketing now because a new thought popped into my head. I told them I had killed before and that I could do it again if they needed me too. That was the sole reason they decided to keep me around up until now. So the newest thoughts inside my head were that I’d probably have to prove myself to them. That made me panic, but of course I didn’t show it, I just stabbed my nails into my palm slightly to bring myself out of it. It didn’t work completely but it gave some results. I watched as Yoongi sat down left from us at the end of the table.

Hoseok sat next to me, and next to him was the brown haired man. Next to Jimin sat big green who was talking to the doctor next to him. We were waiting for the man with ash gray hair. Honestly, I was getting tired of having to distinguish them by hair color. I only had three names so far, and it was frustrating not knowing all of them. Pulling me from my thoughts, new people came into the room bowing at the men as they did. They must have been staff because they started taking out pots and pans and ingredients out. Some of them started washing and cutting vegetables some started cooking the meat or boiling water.

I looked to my side and saw Jimin messing with his rings, it wasn’t a nervous tic but more like something he did. He looked at the staff with such an instance stare. I knew that if I was under his stare, there was no way in hell I wouldn’t have fucked up by now. Mid way through the cooking process the man of the hour arrived.

“Mr. Kim, welcome.” The staff bowed at him, as he walked and sat on the opposite end of Yoongi. At least I had his last name now.

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overcompensate · 5 years

Text

home is just a room full of my safest sounds

It’s the third time this week that he’s found himself gripping the ceramic of the sink countertop in the bathroom/kitchen/laundry of Monmouth Manufacturing. It’s not morning yet and not really night anymore, and every breath he takes sends pain down his spine. Ronan Lynch is misshapen words and broken bones and anger meshed into a skin that doesn’t fit quite right.

Most days he fills the emptiness gaping in his chest with alcohol and pills and the squeal of rubber tires against asphalt. It’s the third time this week that he’s found himself retching into the toilet; the world outside him still, silent. Chainsaw pecks at the one of the metal bars of her cage and he can feel the sound ringing in his mind.

Third time this week, Gansey stands just outside the bathroom/ kitchen/ laundry, forever awake, forever standing one door away from Ronan, his hand the shape of a knock, his lips the shape of pity. Outside, Gansey leaves. Today, he will let Ronan fight his own demons. He will let Ronan drink himself to death if that’s what he wants to do. Inside, Ronan passes out on the floor.

***

Sixteen was the age that he went to too many parties. His mother was alive and worried. At sixteen he made out with girls he didn’t like and watched boys he liked from far away. At sixteen his mind was too loud and the lights in the room were too damn bright, and he had to get out, damn it.

He ended up on the roof. It was cold and the wet air whipped at his face. Ronan thought he might kill himself that very day, jump off the roof and let himself be carried far off. At sixteen he felt that kind of itch often, it was always easier to leave before things got too hard.

The priest had dedicated last week’s sermon to afterlife, and Ronan thought about the devil in his backyard and felt himself slipping further from heaven. And then, because he was scared and his ears were ringing, Ronan pulled out his phone and called Gansey.

It was Adam who picked up.

Ronan felt cold slide down his spine.

“Ronan? There better be good reason to this.”

“I- fuck.” Ronan checked the caller’s ID. He had accidentally called trailer-boy. Ronan thought sand eyelashes and freckles. He thought wrists and bruises and greased overalls. The devil smiled, Ronan slipped more. “I’m at Kavinsky’s place.” Silence. Ronan felt himself jumping off the roof. “Please.”

Adam arrived soon after. He was out of breath. Blue-green spread out from below his right eye to his nose. Downstairs the party raged. Now that Adam stood this close, Ronan felt stupid for calling him.

“Why’d you call me?”

Ronan grinned, wild. “Why’d you come?” The air whipped, wilder. Neither of them spoke. Adam shifted his weight from one foot to another, uncomfortable. That had shut him up.

It was Ronan who spoke next. “How long are you gonna let him do that?”

Adam’s fingers went to the bruise staining his face, Ronan watching closely. “However long it takes for me to graduate.”

“However long it takes for me to graduate.” He snickered. “However long it takes for him to kill you, more like.”

“If you called me here just to be a condescending brat, I’ll be on my way. I have work early.” Adam crossed his arms, a timid impersonation of anger.

Ronan leaned back at the railing. “Get your head out of your ass, trailer trash. If you must know, I called you here because I was contemplating jumping off. As in killing myself. As in not caring about your dickhead of a father and how you refuse to let yourself leave,” Ronan spits out. He said it more for the dramatics, because everything he says has to be one big ha-ha joke, a punch or a smirk. He says it before anyone can catch him caring, makes it a snide remark before it becomes serious.

Adam tensed and Ronan knew he had hit a nerve. Downstairs, the song changed to a slower one.

“Fuck you, Lynch,” Adam spat. He stormed past Ronan.

Ronan smiled wider.

***

“Lynch. Lynch. Ronan. Calm yourself, princess.”

The lights keep flashing. Blue. Red. Blue again. Fourth July can go fuck itself, Kavinsky was celebrating himself tonight.

Kavinsky with all the bravado of a drunk seventeen year old hit Ronan across the face. “You done being a fuckin’ pussy now?”

For about twenty seconds Ronan stared at his hands, which he noticed were shaking. Ronan shook his head. His cheek throbbed. “Not yet.” He brought his fist down on Kavinsky’s nose, smirked like he had done him a favor. “You can continue now,” he said, the picture of nonchalance, as if he hadn’t come stumbling and stuttering Joseph Kavinsky’s name like a prayer. His father’s brains painted the driveway to the Barns red. Ronan didn’t know what to do with himself at nights. He tried to remember why he came here.

“Goddamn. Goddamn.” Kavinsky put his fingers to his nose, licking the blood that had flown onto his lips. “Goddamnit Lynch, did daddy not give you your pills today? Damn, that hurts, goddamn it.” And then, like he only now realized that words other than various combinations of god and damn exist, he shoved Ronan by the shoulders. “I’m gonna put a fuckin’ ban on you man, why’re you coming to my parties and punching me in the goddamn face?”

Ronan merely shrugged.

“Yeah, Lynch, act like you didn’t come in here sobbing like a fuckin’ baby. Gansey, oh Gansey, wherefore art thou Dick? I wish to hop on it. Or is it trailer-boy you’re fucking these days?” He snorted unattractively. Yeah. That’s why he came here: Because Kavinsky simplified everything to a few incorrectly quoted lines and an innuendo, because Kavinksy was superficial and idiotic and. And.

And he had drugs.

“Ha- fucking- ha. Take a medal for you’re a-grade Shakespeare skills, Joseph.” Kavinsky flashed him a smile. “You know what I’m here for. Give me the stuff so I can leave.”

Ronan passed out that night with his clothes off on Kavinsky’s floor, his nose burning.

***

They lay in Ronan’s parents’ bed in the barns; skin sticky and hearts thudding, coming down from the high but not enough for the world to make sense yet. In these moments of unguarded love Ronan would admit he wants to kiss every freckle on Adam’s shoulder. Ronan would let himself look at Adam’s eyes, his lips, his hands, at Adam without red-hot shame running down his spine.

Here was Adam; skin glowing golden in the setting sun, head back, neck arched. Here was Adam; fingers running lazy spirals across his tattoo, eyelashes brushing cheekbones, mouth parted. Here was Adam unwary, Adam perfect and peaceful and—

“I don’t deserve you.” The words are out before Ronan can stop them. His neck goes red.

Adam laughs, slow and easy. “Yeah? Why d’you think that?”

“Just do.” The red travels to his shoulders. “You want a fucking essay?”

“I’m good. Just strange for you to say that, that’s all.” Strange of you to say that. Ronan toys with the words in his mind: strange as in Adam disagrees? Strange as in Adam might even say the same for him?

He shifts to press his mouth against Adam’s skin. “You’re just too damn perfect, that’s all.”

Adam lifts his head up just enough to look at Ronan through half-lidded eyes, his eyebrows raised. He laughs, quietly, and falls back with a thud. Ronan flushes three shades darker. “So are you, you know,” Adam says. “Like I can’t ever tell you properly, but you really are.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty dang great.”

Adam laughs again. Ronan crawls up till his head is on Adam’s shoulder and falls asleep like that; fingers buried in his hair, his cheek warm where it touches Adam’s skin.

***

They fall into patterns after the Second Death. There’s mornings in the barn where Adam would be gone to work or school before Ronan even had the time to blink the sleep out of his eyes. Some mornings Adam would stay back and they’d sit on the porch steps while Opal would run in the knee high grass of the fields. In the evenings those who went to school would do their homework on the floor of Monmouth. Ronan would sit in his bedroom and let it all wash over him.

He told himself it was comfort, this everyday normalcy. That it’s okay they weren’t talking, even if they were fucking traumatized, and that it’s okay Adam pulls away from him and wears seventy layers of clothing every day and that they all have the same ghost look in their eyes. They are fine. He chants it to himself like a mantra. Fine. Fine. Fine.

One night they’re lying there on the couch: Ronan on one end, Adam on the other. Adam’s doing that thing where he watches his hands for hours on end, flexing and unflexing them, turning them one way and the other, reminding himself that these are his hands, and Ronan’s doing that thing where he watches Adam for hours on end trying to remember when he got replaced by this skeleton.

The clock ticks from the hallway. Ronan snaps. “Can you fucking stop?” His voice comes out harsh. Adams backs away from his own hands, blinking.

“I’m—I’m sorry. Sorry.” He puts his hands on his lap, and then on second thoughts, he sits on them instead. “Sorry.” He looks small, pitiful. His eyes sunken into hollows, and from where Ronan sits he can count about three sweaters on him even though it's just the middle of September.

“I didn’t mean it like that. Goddammit, why can’t you just tell me what’s wrong?” He reaches forward and touches Adam on the shoulder, a ghost of a touch, but Adam snaps backwards like he’s been punched. “See what I mean? Why can’t I touch you anymore, Adam? Why don’t you just leave if you hate me so much?” Ronan’s voice is pleading and his eyes are wet.

“Because I almost killed you, that’s why. Don’t you remember? Or did you make yourself forget that part?” Adam’s words come out in heaving sobs and he’s rocking himself back and forth. “I almost killed you Ronan, I’m a monster, I almost killed you, I almost. Fucking. Killed. You.”

They’re both crying, and it’s all a mess and really, Ronan at any other point in time and history would have just gotten up and left, but he needs to fix this. He reminds himself he’s fine, and he breathes even though he’s still crying.

Ronan Lynch is a creature of great wonder and bad chosen words. He walks towards Adam and kneels to where he’s sitting, takes both his hands in his and places them on his neck. Adam’s fingers tremble against Ronan’s throat, and Ronan can barely get words out between all the tears but he keeps saying it again and again to Adam. “I’m not afraid, it wasn’t your fault. I love you. I love you. Iloveyou.”

#this is a mess #i am a mess #i love trc #crits appreciated but pls dont roast me #trc #the raven cycle #the raven boys #the raven king #blue lily lily blue #the dream thieves #ronan lynch #adam parrish #ronan lynch's hand kink #or at least if you squint #pynch #someone kill me before gcses #maggie stiefvater #trc fanfiction #fanfics

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a-functional-lowlife-blog · 5 years

Text

8.11.19

So I’ve never really utilized anything other than a diary to jot down my daily feels, but something tells me I might find some comfort knowing that nobody can sneak into my room and read my journal. Tumblr seems like a good enough void to dump these thoughts into. Maybe it’s my psyche craving a positive outlet.. Id rather this be private, but sometimes connections supposed to help, right? If topics of abuse, death, suicide, or depression trigger you, please do not continue reading. So I guess, let’s start from the top.

I’m 2X years old, & I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing with my life right now. I’m a gamer, & employed, But it’s not like I”m pursuing some great dream. I’m kind of coasting through life, trading experiences for fragments of myself. But I’m honestly rather content, at the moment. I make decent enough money. I can afford to shelter myself, feed myself, & entertain myself. So to some people, yeah it might look like i’ve had it pretty easy. In some ways, I have; in others, not really.

It was just me & my mom growing up. Dad wasn’t around, & i don’t really want to get into that right now. My mom did everything she could for me. And I, of course being a growing hormonal boy, never truly appreciated it until I got into the real world. Thanks mom. She low-key prepared me for almost anything. I graduated high school, no special titles or accolades, but I could hear her screaming well above the entire stadium of parents when they called my name. I hope I can make her that proud again someday. I haven’t seen her in almost 4 years. Life can be a bitch like that once you’re an actual adult.

Since graduating high school, I’ve fathered a child, a little girl, who continues to blow my mind every day, with her brains & beauty. Damn, my ugly mug made one amazing little girl. Everything I do, I do for her. Even when it doesn’t seem like it. The mother & I are still on fantastic terms, but we separated a couple years after the birth. It just didn’t work as a healthy relationship anymore, & our daughter deserved better than that.

After we parted ways, I got myself tangled up with a girl that, in hindsight, I should have never said hello to. Now don’t get me wrong, the first 2 years were truly magical. She was young, beautiful, petite body, alternative with piercings & tattoos. Which was basically me, young, rather handsome, fit body, alternative with piercings and tattoos. A match, it would seem, made in heaven. She made me feel alive again. She reinvigorated me to my soul, showed me new experiences I never could have imagined, or dared to do otherwise. I felt happy. Which for me, is a rather fleeting bird, one that’s typically driven away by the raven. It was just like a fairy-tale. We all know those aren’t real. I should have seen the warning signs. The “red flags” that everyone says I ignored. But red flags look like regular flags when looking through rose-tinted glass. If you’ve stumbled upon this by chance, & are triggered by abuse, or suicide, I suggest you stop reading now.

It started out with little things. Roast-like insults, but sometimes they hurt a little more than they should. Which, obviously, led my mind to tell me “stop being so sensitive.” I’d let it slide. As we approached the 2 year mark, it started getting nastier. Her patience with me was very thin. The smallest error, like I forgot to pick up soda on the way home from my 10 hour shift once, led to me being belittled with insults to my intelligence & even attacks on my dedication to her. It only got worse as time went on. I silently cried myself to sleep most nights. My self-esteem was in an entirely different dimension by this point. I’ve become completely submissive to her. I looked at myself in the mirror one night, after doing things that I regret doing, and being disgusted in myself for letting it get so bad. For never stepping back up & standing my ground. I got us through homelessness. I had helped her get help because she had a severe mental illness that I will not put here. Her every wish, within my power, was my command. Why should I tolerate being treated like something stuck to the bottom of her shoe when kindness didn’t suit her? So I did. That was the first time she hit me. Just once, open palmed to my left temple.

It didn’t stop. It got worse. I will not go into details, because almost 3 years later, I still panic when I try to think about those months. Most of my friends & family do not know how bad it got. And those that do, do not even know who she even was. It collapsed faster when I started to dissociate after multiple (thankfully) failed suicide attempts. I started cheating, trying to get her to leave me, since she wouldn’t allow me to leave her without threatening to kill herself. “You’re my soulmate, I won’t live without you.” She kept me in that state of submissive fear for another year, using the same lines. Using the same deflection tactics to make me question myself. All while calling me her “soul mate”. I hate that fucking word now.

But I did finally get the courage to leave. In the middle of the night, a train ride back to my hometown. She tried to work back into my life a few times over the next 2 years. I eventually stopped talking to her, because she would always try to convince me to come back to her, that it can be different, that she’s willing to start over. So I stopped talking to her last year. And now, I can’t anymore, because last month, she killed herself. I honestly never stopped loving her. I can feel the hole where her energy used to be, the bits she contributed to my soul, snuffed out.. I blame myself for her suicide. And I hate that I fell in love with such a beautiful, toxic soul.

We can skip over the few fling relationships I held while in my hometown, except for one girl, who I will forever thank for showing me what a true loving, healthy relationship, based on trust and open communication can actually be like. We got into it knowing we were on a time limit, because I was already in the process of saving up to move again, this time, 3,000 miles away. But we had good chemistry, and I think the relationship was the perfect amount of time for both of us. She’s a LoZ girl. Major fan. As in, owns every game, tons of merch, follows tons of streamers on Twitch who play Legend of Zelda, especially if it’s Ocarina of Time. Coastal gamer girl is probably the best description of her. She’s still one of my best friends, & I talk to her on occasion. She’s super happy, and living a rather adventurous life. I’m super happy for her.

Our fateful day came, and I had to move away. She comforted me during the entire packing process. Which literally filled 2 boxes I shipped to my new address, my military backpack, & a laptop case. It still resulted in 8 hours of back to back anxiety attacks. I only knew TWO people in the town where I was moving to. One of them, I had never physically met before in our entire 14 year friendship. So, rightfully, I was terrified to leave. I’d reconnected with old friends in my hometown. I’d met an amazing girl in my hometown. I’d landed a really fantastic job in the medical field in my hometown. What was I thinking?! Leave all of THIS?!

But I knew why. She knew why. Everyone in my life knew why. The answer was simple. Yeah, I had a good job, a good girl, & a relatively good life. But I wasn’t truly happy. In my soul. Just as I was in the states I’ve lived before. And that was okay. We had the perfect amount of happiness.

So here I am, in an undisclosed new location, three-thousand miles away from my hometown. And honestly, I’m happier here than I’ve ever been anywhere else. Do I see myself dying here? No, not really. But I could kick it here for a decade or so, if the fates allow my life that long? Sure. The best friend I’d never met before, is just as amazing in person. We play video games together now & then, and go out to the downtown bar scene sometimes for karaoke. There’s 3 roommates total. I enjoy being their roommate. Also, there’s 4 cats. who I absolutely love, and will contemplate posting their pictures here too, for memories sake.

I’ve made some really amazing friends, especially one girl in particular. She’s been very good to me, in many ways. Dinners, events, concerts, party weekend for my last birthday to pass. All while both of us just have a blast around each other. She’s helped me alot these last few months, everything from food to rent, while I struggled to find work, & get on my own two feet. I struggled for 5 months before I landed myself where I am now. So to celebrate, she & I went and got tattoos today.

I got a tattoo of the chemical structure of serotonin on my wrist. To remind myself to be happy, because I’ve already spent so much time being sad. And that I’m going to keep making myself happier, by staying true to myself, learning & growing from the events I’ve been through in my life, both good and bad. Creative, & destructive. Because it’s all molded me into who I am now.

So really without getting into childhood stories, high school shenanigans, & college hijinx, that’s the story of Z. A recent handle I’ve taken to lately, in case someone does decide to read this. I’d like to add to this little... off-site journal once a week, maybe more often.

That’s all I’ve got for today. I’m sufficiently stoned now, & would like to return to playing Apex Legends.

Signing off,

#journal #private #tw suicide #tw abuse #tw drugs #read at your own discretion #do not repost #venting

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baldtaelovemaze · 6 years

Text

Love me for me (1)

What kind of love story starts with two people locked in a classroom and ends with the two same people in a courtroom? This one. After unfortunate circumstances, Venice is forced to illegally change her identity and live as a boy in a all boys school.

She planned everything out. Every. Single.detail. but no matter how much she tries, she can’t stop herself from falling for the son of one of the biggest lawyers.

Is loving the man of her dreams worth years in jail?

Reader (OC) X jungkook ft.Taehyung

Warnings: mature language

Words: 3k

"Dear Miss. Abass, unfortunately, your demand at Yale University has been Rejected-"

“fuck”

Orbs clouded, I rip apart the letter. The torn cream pieces dance with the wind my fan generates and I watch them gracefully fall to the floor, blending perfectly with the wood.

Years of studying, isolation, practically not having a social life I forced upon myself to proudly become a valedictorian graduate but everything i did was in vain.

On the floor lays the last piece of hope I once clung on to. Now crushed under the weight of disappointment and failure, my chest hitches as I desperately try to hold back a sob. Water gathers at the rims of my heterochromia eyes. Left one a muddy green and the other a murky blue with a tinge of that same muddy green who manages to stick out no matter what like I do so very well. Intentionally or not.

I don’t cry, instead, I sniff away all the mucus who threatens to slide down my nasal passages and roll myself into bed.

For a moment, the smell of the freshly cleaned sheets and my dearest pillow make me forget of the hell hole I am in, of the chains that confine me.

That moment is short-lived when it all comes back rushing down on me like a wave. These chains that I have, invisible to the human or anything supernatural expect me. This rope around my neck who never ceases to tighten as time goes by.

I ponder on this fact. Or is it a question? It’s something I definitely know the answer to. So a fact it is.

The chains that hold me aren’t emotional or even close to physical. Nor did I ever do anything to earn them but that’s how the system works.

The system refused every single application I sent to prestigious universities. Not one of them accepted me even after they had contacted me for scholarships offers. Claiming that “my chosen classes were already full and to try elsewhere.’

It wasn’t a coincidence. Out of everyone, I should know that. Because I knew the system far too well.

That system chained me without even binding my wrist to chains, that system took my freedom away without truly stripping me of my rights, that system tied a noose around my neck and is waiting for any given occasion to rip away the chair from under my feet.

The system doesn't want my education to blossom. the system wants me to settle for less every time then die. That’s our government. the system is our government and it’s trying to kill me off.

I could apply at a community college and get accepted in mere seconds but that's what they want. That is their plan and no matter what, I will not succumb to it, not after seeing how it ended for father. Not after seeing that.

I gulp at the thought of him. My body and mind react instantly at the mere idea of my father. My breathing becomes ragged and I sense my palms get clammy and sweaty. The noose around my neck feels like it got ten times tighter. Even though nothing is truly there, my brain acknowledges the hard rope covered in sharp split ends digging at the skin of my neck. My hands who once were tucked underneath the pillow flock to my neck, grasping around nothing but my own skin.

I seal my eyes shut and begin chanting the only thing that calms me down during my breakdowns.

“A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I....”

the alphabet, something you often associate with learning toddlers full of life and not a 19-year-old having a nervous breakdown.

“J, K, L, M, O, P, Q, R, S!!” I scream loud, frail body shaking like a leaf as I try my best to block out the nose, block out the shots and the footsteps who are threateningly close. I hiccup between a sob when I feel his big greasy hands grip my long ebony hair, yanking me back painfully, he throws my whole body across the room.

what letter was I at? I forgot. Now I can barely breathe. I frustrate the man furthermore. I know this when he yells “shut the fuck up. Make another sound and your lovely mother gets it.” I open my eyes and stop breathing altogether. She lays on the floor.

I shake my head, clearing my mind of theses awful flashbacks as I shoot up from bed to reach for the pieces of paper, crumble them into a tiny ball and neatly shoot them in my plastic dollar-store basketball net who hangs just above the door. It hits the rim before falling on the floor with a plop.

“damn, where did my basketballs skill go?” I ask my self, feeling slightly better due to the self-pity that seems to have eaten me whole.

The alphabet always calms me down, it brings me back to earth when I need it the most -when my anxiety decides to lock me in my painful past.

My back now on the bed, I look at my white ceiling, its time to think rationally, like an adult - I smile to myself. Like an adult, huh? I quickly recognize the fact that most adults don’t actually know what they are doing. Most of the time they let themselves get dragged with the wave. Some try to overpower the water while others succumb to it and others find a way to float, to stay on the surface no matter how strong the storm gets.

I huff a breath of defeat "what am I going to do? It was the last one on the list.” I toy with my phone. I run my fingers against its smooth metal surface all while making sure to not unlock it by accident with the touch ID.

I've been ignoring Haerin’s messages for a while now.

I frown, hoping that she won’t misunderstand and think that I a mad at her.

the screen lights up.

Haerin: Don’t worry I know that you’re not mad at me or anything but I'm just worried.. plus I kinda miss your ugly ass so text back soon. I can’t believe you’re making me seem like a desperate hoe by ignoring all my text. Your fuckgirl mode has, unfortunately, been activated :/ [2:45]

I snort. Not being able to ignore her for any longer, I text back.

Me: I usually don’t text girls back after we fuck... but ur kinda special so come over or whatever... [2:46 pm]

Haerin: omg okay daddy! I’ll bring take out that way my ass won’t be the only thing you’ll eat today! I'm omw bitch you have some explaining to do. [2:46]

I chuckle and lock my phone.

With the stretch of my limbs, I'm out of bed and I beeline straight to the bathroom.

I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. “fucking hell, I barely look alive.”

after peeing and a quick face wash, I stand in front of the mirror and notice that my pixie cut may need a trim soon. I can’t ever let my hair grow past my ears and I rather not think about the reason behind this -not yet at least, not yet.

I watch the clear droplet of water cling on to the curl near my forehead before dropping and rolling down my tawny skin. I can’t help but to glance down at my neck, it’s red. I pray that I won’t bruise. I take in the fact that my new skin care routine has been working marvelously. From my high cheekbones, my narrow chin and slightly protruding forehead my skin is spotless.

"Venice, you little thot, I have arrived in your domicile"

I jump in surprise at first. After a smile covers my plump lips when I realize who that voice belongs to. I step out of the bathroom which is linked to my room and meet the fake redhead.

In a matter of seconds, I am engulfed in her tight embrace. Face hidden in the crook of her armpit I notice that the tall girl is wearing her favorite mustard hoodie.

I break the hug. “ I missed you too,” I say, gazing up at her through my short lashes. I see the worry in her slanted eyes but I know she isn’t judging, she never does.

“let’s talk, okay?” her voice is soft when she speaks. I nod and lead her to my bed.

A couple tears, three hugs, and many heartfelt words later, we lay diagonally on my bed. Looking up at the ceiling. With a shift in position, I look over at Haerin’s toes who never fail to not be ugly and stinky but who can blame her? She's an aspiring basketball player. Now I look up to her profile. It seems like the ceiling is long forgotten and that she is currently deep in thought, I can tell by the way her straight thick brows furrow and how she chews almost aggressively her full bottom lip. I Am caught red-handed when she suddenly turns at catches me staring.

“I've got an idea.” her lips part as she smiles, revealing the gap in the middle of her two front teeth that fits her so well.

“Shoot”

“How about we watch old Disney movies to take off some of your stress for today? let's deal this fucktard of a situation tomorrow. '' She pushes her elbow underneath her to lift herself. Her round glasses droop down the bridge of her nose but she's quick to push them back with the help of her lanky fingers.

I smiled at the idea. I ask myself how can someone be so pure and genuine sometimes.

''Okay, but just don't put anything with romance in it. I don't want to be reminded of the fact that the only thing I wake up next to in bed is my life-sized Makoto Tachibana pillow.'' My feet drag on the warm floor as Haerin intertwines her arm with mine. '' That's extremely sad and I hope that you'll throw it out once you get a boyfriend-'' she stops in her tracks and looks at me.

we both stare at each other only to explode with laughter.

''BAHAHA! I can't believe I just said that! You? a boyfriend? I think WinWin would finally be getting lines in songs before that happens.'' wiping away the tear that escaped, we go down the stairs and she grabs the laptop on the kitchen counter before plopping herself beside me on the sofa.

''Shut up you shouldn't be the one to speak here.'' I laugh back with her.

''Whatever ugly loser, go grabs snacks that way we can stuff our faces and I'll pick a movie'' She orders and am up in seconds.

''I know you said no romance but I still picked the Amanda Bynes movie She's the man '' Haerin informs me as I come back into the living room

I shrug my shoulders, indifferent.

''I don't care what we watch at this point, anything to get my stress down.'' I slur on my words near the end, taking a big fat handful of popcorn and shoving it down my throat.

'We could watch porn then'' she wiggles her eyebrows suggestively and I pinch her left nipple.

''shut up and play the god damn movie.''

And with a click, the movie is playing and I am finally relaxing.

About an hour and forty-five minutes later the movie is done and you're left with a strange idea in mind.

''hey Haerin..'' you start off

her eyes squint, which suggests that she's thinking . ''hm?''

''Are you possibly thinking the same thing as me ?'' now my eyes squint, trying my best to read her expression.

'' If you are thinking about dressing yourself up as a male and infiltrating the all-boys prestigious Uni then yes, we are thinking the same thing!'' her grip on my wrists is tight and I feel light headed when she shakes me like a polaroid as soon as I nod.

''CALL CHRISTIAN RIGHT NOW! SOME MADAME DOUBTFIRE MAKEOVER SHIT IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN IN THIS BITCH!'' She screams at the top of her lungs.

"You called me here because am what?" Christian took place on the sofa beside me. Brows creased together, he leaned forward, as if he hadn't heard me the first time. He heard me perfectly fine. "Because you're the dude-dest dude I know and I need to learn how to become a dude."

He drowns himself deeper in the couch, taking a chunk of his locks between his fingers, he let out an exasperated "what kind of fucking drugs do you guys take to come up with this shit?" And shortly after "Okay, I'll help."

This was our relationship. Christian Yu a very stable young adult that happened to be my childhood neighbor. Even when I moved out of my mother's home, he never left me behind. Kind of like a big brother that allows me to do dumb shit only with his supervision.

"This might seem crazy but just trust me on this. It might work,"I reassure.

His eyes bulge “What exactly might work Venice please don’t tell-”

“I can’t keep living on like this. I don’t want to live a meaningless life all while knowing that I can achieve so much more. Just entering that school and studying to become a lawyer would be a huge step for me” my jaw clenches “Its a step towards my goal and..” nostrils flared, I watch Christian tense, the weight of my words slowly seep into his pores, completely changing his first resolve. “ I will fulfill it no matter what”.

“I understand what you want to do but wouldn't that be proving what the government is doing to people like you -no offense, right? You're just doing what they expect of the children of criminals, you're becoming one too” He remains tense. Lower lip stuck between his pearly teeth, Christian avoids eye contact.

“Reflect on this: What do criminals have in common?” I get up from the couch under the perplexed gaze of my friend.

Lips puckered, brows screwed together, he comes up with an answer quickly “Its simple, they do illegal things!”

“That's partially true but I want you do think of the biggest names in the dark world, the infamous one. What brought them together besides the fact that what they did was prohibited?” I am patient, smiling down at my friend who racks his brain fora retort. His wide shoulder slump, not knowing where exactly am I go going with this. I give in, choosing to spare him a brain burn out “they were all selfish.”

“W-What?”

“yes, it really is that simple.” I smirk “ Just think about it, All their lives, their goal was to enrich themselves, gain profit or some form of power. They were ready to do whatever it took to gain these things. Kill, steal ect. What separates me from them is that I am not only doing this for me but the others who suffer alongside me in silence. We both know that the system is wrong and should be taken down even if that means sacrificing the little freedom I have.” I exhale, coming back to sit near Christian on the couch.

He sighs, elbows now up on his tighs, he rubs his eyes. “Fine, I support you in this but please don't you dare end up in jail or else-”

“You’ll lose your mind since you can't live without her.” Haerin finally speaks. She had remained so silent I forgot that she was even there.

“Y-yeah, you're probably right actually, I don't think I can't live without either of my girls” he pipes, scooping both of us in his toned arms and engulfing us in a tight hug.

“Let me go, Chris, my face is literally buried in your armpits” Haerin whines.

“Then smell them!”

“Oh no, you don”t-”I send my knee in his crotch in a matter of seconds, making him groan in agony all while curling into a ball on the floor. Haerin stares unbothered, pulling out her phone and calling someone. The conversation is short but it leaves a smile on her lips when she hangs up.

"Okay whores, I just called the best makeup artist in town. After you get your lesson on how to become an owner of a dick and get a makeup lesson cuz god knows you struggling in that.." Haerin shakes her head and muffles a laugh with her hand when I pipe out “bitch.”

"You will go in the room and do what you have to do to make the world believe you are a man."

"Okay, let's start then!" the serious and somber mood is gone, excitement is now what is left behind. Am thrilled, justice pumps through my veins and it's only fueled more by the support of my friends. I can do this

"Okay let's start then...but no homo"

"I know I taught you to use 'no homo' but it doesn't mean you need to say it in every sentence, Venice," Christian shouts from the kitchen, watching the makeup artist teach me the basics on how to make my face look more masculine and the brands that stay on the longest.

Haerin had told her that we were just filming a really weird porno and the women weirdly enough, nodded as if what Haerin said was something that she had seen often.

A couple more minutes spent by my side and she was out of the house, I shooed Christian and Haerin out as well.

With years of fraudulent knowledge in my hands, creating a new identity would be a breeze.

What should my new name be?

I grab my phone and open the group chat

Me: I need Name ideas, got anything? [5:15]

Chris: keep it simple... something like Steve Duncan or whatever [5:17]

Haerin: Don't listen to this loser, Bob Mcniplecoker shall be your new name, beloved ;) [5:17]

Chris: i- [5:18]

Me: 00Ooo thank you Haerin! very cool! [5:18]

Chris: please don't tell me you're actually using that- why am I the only sane person in this group? [5:19]

I shut off my phone, content with the name and ready to get down to serious business. Hours and hours of serious business.

Creating a whole new identity sure was time-consuming.

The wait was over.

The letter who held my fate had arrived to my surprising displeasure. I huffed a breath of frustration. Why am I so nervous? With the grades I have, it is certain I’ll be getting in but why can't I open it?

The pretty creme letter waited for no one other than me to open it. I was first made known of its presence when I was taking a shit and my uncle so kindly slid it under the door when he was staying over for a couple days.

All Boys: Great Jeon University

I had just finished taking a shit but after re-reading the letter I felt like taking a second shit. Curling on the floor, my nose rose up in defiance as I glanced at the paper, still centimeters away from under the door.

Let's just open the letter and get this over with.

With trembling hands, I reached over to the letter but I at last second I let my hand fell back to my side.

This Is so stressful! Is it possible to vomit and shit your pants all at the same time? I shot up, heading to the sink determined, with a couple splashes of cold water on my face I stared at myself in the mirror, determined.

I pursued my full lips, taking in a pimple that formed right next to my thick brows. This stress is really getting to me. I know damn well that a pimple wouldn't have been there otherwise.

"Okay you big wuss, tear that shit open !" I gas myself up, finally picking up the letter, I rip the envelope, already expecting the worst.

"Dear Mister. Mcniplecocker, we are glad to inform you that you have been accepted-"

“Oh thank God...” relief washes down on me like a ton of bricks. ”Thank

god..”I exhale, I can't contain the small smile that forms on my lips.

"THIS CALL FOR DANGEROUSLY HIGH AMOUNTS OF CALORIES !" Haerin shouts, grabbing the takeout menu to order too much food and possibly max out her credit card. She is reckless and often thinks of the consequences after she does something but if she ever got in trouble with the law due to her shenanigans, me, a soon to be law student would help her.

Christian took his usual seat at my right and Haerin at my left on our favorite brown couch. They were here so often on this couch that their butts were permanently imprinted.

"I need to tell you guys about this girl I've met. She's older but I swear I've never seen a woman more beautiful" Christian gushed, tugging on my shirt. "Oh, my man is finally getting some action! I started getting worried for you I was almost going to ship you with Haerin."

The girl snapped her head to look at me at the mention of her name. "Excuse me? Me and Christian? I'd rather let your creepy pillow anime guy date me." She snickered and I scoffed "Bitch, you wish Makoto Tachibana would be with your dusty crusty ass plus you're acting like Christian is ugly! I mean he might be a lil on the grandpa side since he's so old but-"

He deadpanned. "I'm literally 25 ???"

"Anyways, in two months I'll be going to one of the most prestigious schools and I'll be a lawyer. If one of you ever gets in trouble with the law don't call me because I'll be the one making sure you go to jail." I joke, picking a movie on the laptop.

I was over the moon. Things were going my way and it felt good, so good.

"If you ever do get caught, who will defend you ?" Christian hesitated when he asked, not wanting to stress me.

"Don't jinx it, idiot. I won't happen, don't worry." Haerin leaned forward, taking my hand in hers and gave me a small smile not knowing that the damage was already done.

It was something that I ridiculously tried shoving at the back of my brain. It was something I needed to face. I was going to be a lawyer for crying out loud, I knew that I could face time in jail and fines I wouldn't be able to afford to pay.

It was something I was ready to risk. For my education. I was breaking the law in order to work as a person who enforced the law. How ironic.

"Yeah, don't jinx it, Chris."

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nanonaturalist · 6 years

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Yo! I’m an Anthropology student but I’m super fascinated with entomology n’ the like. Any tips for how to self study entomology/get started? How did you become the bug lover you are today?

Sup! I am a HUGE animal lover. Like, I don’t think you understand how much I love animals. Back when google image search was this crazy new thing, I would google things like “puffer fish” and literally start crying from how cute and precious they were. I don’t remember ever not liking bugs. I was bringing in caterpillars when my age was single digits, which I named and kept in shoe boxes, and who would invariably wander out and make a random cocoon somewhere.

STORY TIME! (what? you wanted a short answer? Sorry!)

… (actually check out this post from a while back [link] about tips for getting started, it was written for a high school student but most of the things I mention are good for all ages)…

Thing is, this was the point in history when you needed to use a card catalog to look a book up in the library. No idea what I’m talking about? That’s how long ago this was. If there was a book about bugs in the school book order form, I would ask for it (and sometimes I’d get one), but that was the full extent of my knowledge pool for things that we weren’t directly taught about in school. In 4th grade, we had a unit on marine animals (with the most amazing field trip on a research boat ever, omg the scuba divers brought up things for us to touch, and we got to look at plankton in the microscope eeeeeee!), and it was like I was reborn. I memorized everything we learned, including the taxonomy of cnidaria (jellies, anemones, corals) and strange eating habits of echinoderms (starfish, urchins). I got REAL into this stuff, to the point where 4 years later, I told anybody who asked me that when I grew up, I was going to get a PhD in Marine Biology.

There was just one problem. You can’t get a degree in any kind of animal biology without doing dissections or killing things. Remember, I’m an animal Lover with a capital L. I wanted to be a vegetarian starting at age 4 (parents said no, but I picked meat out of everything until I made it official at 12). So I gave up on biology real quick. Flash forward about ten years to 2006. I had graduated from college (with a psychology degree that cost me $70,000), was working soul-sucking jobs, and needed a hobby. But wait, DIGITAL CAMERAS ARE A THING! WOW! So I picked up “crappy nature photography” as a hobby. And what did I take pictures of with my First Ever Digital Camera when I bought one that summer?

I found this longhorn beetle on the hood of my car at a rest stop somewhere in the middle of nowhere, Missouri. But back in 2006… What are you going to do with pictures of bugs when you have no background in biology? I posted some on LiveJournal, and that was that. What kind of bug was it? I couldn’t even tell you that it was a beetle at that point. And when I was going through my old photos more recently, I couldn’t even remember seeing it.

I still took photos of basically everything I saw, but nothing ever really happened with them.

Who are these? At the time (photos are from 2006 to 2009), the most I could have told you was “dragonfly, wasp, spider, caddisfly larva.” Which is pretty good, I guess, but I didn’t even realize how much diversity I was missing out on by not going any deeper.

Me + Slugs: Left - Banana Slug in Redwood National Forest, CA (2008); Center and Right - Chocolate Arion Slug at my apartment in Redmond, WA (2006)

Time passes, nature photos are taken. I will take photos of any bug I see, but I don��t intentionally seek them out and I never know what any of them are. Now flash forward to 2013, when I moved from Seattle, WA to Austin, TX.

My mind was blown. The bugs were huge, strange, and EVERYWHERE. I NEEDED TO KNOW WHAT THEY WERE! But… It was still hard. At this point, looking things up on the internet was just what you did, but … what was I supposed to look up? “Giant screaming thing in my potted plant that looks like a leaf?” “Pile of handsnails?” I took pictures, shared them on Facebook (nobody used Livejournal anymore!), and went about my day.

At this point, I had gone back to college to study engineering (I moved to Austin for grad school), and somehow ended up watching a lot of youtube. SciShow got me onto VlogBrothers, which got me onto The Brain Scoop (@thebrainscoop), which got me onto tumblr *waves*. And I was thinking some hard thoughts about what I actually wanted to do when I grew up because I was tired of soul-sucking jobs. Hey, I love museums (that’s actually where most of my science knowledge came from), so I started thinking about careers in science museums, and I followed UT’s collection page on Facebook. One day in 2015, they shared an event for a Bioblitz, sponsored by several groups associated with UT and Texas Parks and Wildlfie. What’s a Bioblitz? I had no idea. So I clicked.

Basically, you take as many pictures of living things as you can. There were subject matter experts who would lead you on hikes and tell you what things were and how you can tell them apart (WAIT, WHAT?!?). The event required that you download this new nature app called iNaturalist (@inaturalist), which is where you would post the photos you took. With the data you posted from the app, other users of the website would identify your photos, and the state park we were at would use that data to create species checklists to track what occurred there. Your iNat account kept a permanent log of all of your observations. I tend to be extremely skeptical/resistant to new technologies and being told to do things, so at first I wanted to know what was wrong with the way I took photos NOW, I didn’t need some stupid website telling me what to do.

But then I started testing it out before the event.

Two of my first iNat observations (both butterflies). Left: Henry’s Elfin caterpillar; Right: American Lady butterfly. Links to iNat observations.

I had no idea where to start with identifying either of these, and the Henry’s Elfin caterpillar took me a few years to ID myself. But the American Lady? People told me what it was within hours of me posting it. Within hours.

About a week later, the Bioblitz happened. It was perfect. For the first time in my life, I was surrounded by people who were just like me. They wanted to go on long slow walks through nature, turning over logs and walking directly into ponds and poking at insects, all while taking photos of things and identifying them. I was spending the weekend with real life biologists and I was learning everything I could. And the things I saw?

HOLY CARP. Texas has dung beetles?! (top left) Parasitic wasps REALLY DO THAT? (braconid wasp cocoons on inchworm caterpillar, top right) Diving beetles?! (water scavenger beetle, bottom left) Giant fishing spiders?! (bottom right)

This event was the moment I “got started” with entomology. I regularly used iNaturalist, and in the process of trying to identify my observations with BugGuide.net [link], I quickly began to learn some of the “basics.” For example, stink bugs are a thing. So are green lacewings. And there are a LOT more kinds of spiders than orbweavers and wolf spiders (who knew?). I was so smitten with iNaturalist that I professed my love for all to read on tumblr [link] (all being… 3 people?). I used iNaturalist regularly, but still, unless I was on a bioblitz, I didn’t seek things out. I mentioned I was a grad student, right?

Then 2016 rolls around. I’ve had enough of school and drop master out of my program. I get a Real Engineering Job and Buy a House with a Yard. I started my new job when I was finishing up my thesis (probably not the best idea…) and so my back yard took on a life of its own. By the time I had finished my thesis, the grass was hip height, and the HOA had no rules about what my back yard had to look like, so I just never mowed it. And the bugs… oh man, the bugs. The bugs were good. By January 2017, I was getting more confident in my Bug Knowledge, and I was using iNaturalist every week. I had joined clubs centered around nature (Texas Master Naturalists and Travis Audubon). I signed up for a birding trip in Malawi. Then in April, I found a pile of butterfly eggs and a chrysalis. And the guy leading the Malawi trip (one of the directors at Travis Audubon) asked me to do an insect table at their outreach event. Then City Nature Challenge 2017 happened (and I am *very* competitive). And… uh… I guess I just never looked back?

The thing to remember here is: the more I learn, the more I realize I don’t know. What I love about iNaturalist is that I can create a time capsule showing what I did and didn’t know at the time. And what I didn’t know is… really amazing. I taught the entomology class for my Master Naturalist chapter’s training course this year, and I told the people in the class that one year ago, I didn’t know any of the things I was going to talk to them about. I know it sounds like I’m putting on a commercial for iNaturalist (which is actually exactly what I’m doing, I love that website), but besides the curiosity about nature that I had to begin with, iNaturalist is the single most important thing that has enabled me to nurture and grow my love for our invertebrate friends.

Through my use of iNaturalist, I have met real people and made real friendships. Many of the people I meet are professionally biologists, but there are just as many randos like me who crawled out of the internet to hang out with nature freaks. One of the great things about this community is there is no elitism, and even professional entomologists are just as willing to admit they have no idea what something is and will listen to me explain what I know, as they are to explain something I don’t know and answer my questions. The people I have met are absolutely awesome, and the general attitude people on iNat (online and in person) tend to have has really rubbed off on me. If someone I’m talking to doesn’t know something that tends to be commonly known (example: my coworker is a gardener, but hadn’t heard about the ant/aphid relationship), oh boy, it’s awesome, let me TELL YOU about ANTS fighting off PREDATORS so they can DRINK APHID PEE!!!

Above: Crematogaster ants farming keeled treehopper nymphs on sunflower SO THEY CAN DRINK THEIR PEE

One of the best things you can do to get more into entomology is to just be observant. Look. Notice patterns. Pay attention to relationships between “higher” and “lower” organisms. When you travel, look there too. What is different from home? What’s similar?

The other best thing: meet people. Find groups/clubs for people into nature. Go on hikes with entomologists. Go to “nature days” events (these are always geared towards kids, but ADULTS ARE WELCOME!). A lot of nature clubs and organizations are heavy on the retiree demographic, which means the meetings may not be easy to learn about online. I actually joined the Austin Butterfly Forum after hearing about it from the people I was sitting next to at a Travis Audubon event (Victor Emanuel’s autobiography had just published and he kicked off his book tour with a live interview in Austin), and I’ve met several new friends through ABF.

I don’t even know how to explain it, but naturalists are a totally different flavor than any other person I’ve known. It’s like, there are other people who would rather be crawling through the swamp in 105°F weather for 8 hours straight than sit and watch TV? There are other people who will skip two meals and stay up until 2 am to get really good bug pictures? I mean, I can’t describe what it feels like to be slowly picking through the deserts of west Texas with 15 other people, when one of them yells, “SNAKE!” and suddenly EVERYBODY RUNS TOWARDS THE SNAKE AND IMPATIENTLY WAITS THEIR TURN TO HOLD HIM.

I know this is long and maybe not entirely what you were expecting, @marichuu, but want to make sure that anybody reading this knows that if you like nature, even if you don’t know very much about it now, there are a ton of people like me and those weirdos up there who are so excited to share the world with you that you can’t even imagine it now. Want to stay online because you’re nervous about meeting new people? That’s great! Tons of us are online! But if you’re ready to put yourself out there and meet people in person, chances are, they’re awesome and will love answering your questions (and if they’re not awesome tell me and I’ll YELL AT THEM FOR YOU YOU DESERVE BETTER).

Anyway. Bugs are awesome and I hope they think you are just as awesome. Also anthropology is super neat and there’s a lot of intersections with entomology [link] that you can look at from an interesting angle.

Posted June 4, 2018

#asks #informational #how to #teach yourself entomology #entomology #inaturalist #inat #citizen science #insect photography #nature photography #tl;dr #wall of text #tmi #nanonaturalist's life story #resources #bioblitz #naturalists #master naturalists #audubon

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urfriendlyneighborhdblckshe-blog · 5 years

Text

Dear you,

I was sixteen when we first met. I had heard about you for years before hand. I knew all about you. Or I thought I did. They told me to beware, watch out for you, don’t engage with you if you ever crossed my path. They told me you were dangerous and that you were a bad influence. They said that you were trouble, that you used people and hurt people and brought out the worst in them. I remember being told you ruined lives, and ended them. They told me a lot about you; now I’m thinking maybe they didn’t tell me enough. Because I knew all the reasons why I should steer clear of you. I’d had them all but shoved down my throat for years once I was the right age; I think knowing all that I knew already, being told to stay away from you, being aware of the consequences I could face, it only made me curious. The more I heard, the more I was curious about you. I guess I was drawn to you. Before I even knew i was, before we ever met, I was drawn to you. Sixteen years old. Some might say this is a magical age, a fun age. They might have fond memories and great friends and experiences that come to mind when they think back to being 16. Ask me and I’d tell you different. I hated being a teenager; high school is still to this day one of the worst experiences of my life, and sixteen was a hard age for me. I guess it was the perfect storm...me being as drawn to you as I was and you being there for me at just the right time when I wanted to rebel and do something reckless. We met at a mutual friends house for a sleepover one weekend right before 11th grade. I hadn’t planned on it, it was a spur of the moment thing when I mentioned you to my friend and asked if she knew you. Just a whim. She did know you. Not very well, but enough to invite you. We had to walk around the block to meet up with you, and then we brought you back with us, to her house, snuck you into her room with us.

We had an instant connection. We clicked. And not some weird cliche thing, but a real instantaneous bond. I spent so much of my time feeling sad and so angry. Mainly because I had spent so much of my life feeling so hurt and misunderstood. I didn’t know just how sad and angry I usually felt, though, until suddenly I didn’t feel either anymore, because you walked into my life. You made me feel things, good things, you made me smile and see things in a different light, you made me forget about being hurt. I never knew I was so lonely until after I met you and realized I wasn’t lonely with you there... All the terrible things I’d been told about you before I knew you went out the window, because they obviously were not true. Nothing or no one that could make such a sad and heartbroken girl like me feel so whole and happy and hopeful like that so quickly and so effortlessly could possibly be bad. I stayed up with you long after my friend had fallen asleep...I had made a friend. A real friend. And I felt the most I had felt in my life. I felt whole somehow. That night changed a lot for me. I laid awake the next few nights in my own room thinking about it, wondering when I would see you again. You were my very first love, and I had fallen hard and fast. After that I tried to see you whenever I could. It was hard, being in school and not having a phone, being grounded all the time and having no money, but every once in a while I’d find you again and we would be together for a day or two, and I’d feel okay, not just okay it I’d feel GOOD, happy, in those rare and fleeting days I could be with you. The years passed and we kept up that same regimen. My time without you started to weigh on me. I counted down days until we would be together again. You made me so much better, in school, with people, with myself, with life in general. I told you everything, i gave you all the parts of me I didn’t like, all the pieces of me that were broken or hurting, and you absorbed it all like a sponge. You became my support system. My friend. Then I graduated high school, I got a job. I was able to have more of you, and it seemed like the more I had the more I needed. The first year after graduation flew by, and what I remember the most about that year was you. Eventually I wanted you with me all the time. I was better with you. I performed better at work, I got along with my mom better, I was charming and witty in conversation, I could make friends easily. I cared about things I didn’t care about when you weren’t around, I could take care of shit and be productive with you. You motivated me, you made me a better me. My life was better with you in it. I didn’t hurt when we were together. I felt like a real, healthy, happy person, because we were together so much. Yet the more I kept you around, once you were gone, I was so much worse off than I would’ve been. I was moody and depressed, anxious, emotional, and unmotivated. I didn’t want to do anything without you. I felt like I needed you just to have a normal day. So you became my normal. When you weren’t there, I was at my worst. Sometimes I would have to go several days, even a week once or twice, without you, and it would be the worst day, the worst week, but I could do it. I could be without you, but I would miss you. It would hurt me. I needed you. I had became dependent on you to help me get through every day, I hated having to go without you. You became apart of me. Three more years pass and I’m starting to feel differently. You don’t make me feel as good as you used to. I need more and more and more of you, more than I can afford, just to feel even a little bit the way I felt when we first met. I’m starting to forget that you make me happy, that you make me feel good, that you make me be a better me. I’m starting to forget all that, because lately all you make me feel is guilty, and anxious, and pathetic. You make me feel like a shitty person.

All my friends have slowly drifted away; I pushed them away. You were always more important. Id cancel plans for you, ignore texts and calls. A few times I met up with friends while I was so gone on you I couldn’t hide it; it was obvious to them that i had a problem after that, and they stopped coming around. They stopped calling and texting and inviting me to do things. I can’t hide you at all anymore, from anyone. My mom knows something is wrong, she’s worried out of her mind about me, but I can’t tell her about you because then she’ll worry even more. I’ve given her enough trouble for one lifetime as a kid, she deserves better than a daughter like me. I can’t face her. So I’ve shut her out completely. I don’t answer her calls or texts and ignore her knocks at the door when she drops by. She’s worried sick I know because I haven’t seen or spoken to her at all in months but it’s better this way. It’s better than the truth.My boss is getting ready to fire me. I’m on my last chance with this job, because I keep not showing up when I don’t have you, or being late when I have to go and get you from wherever I can find you before I go in to work. I keep taking these risks like I can afford to lose this job, even though I can’t, because i have to make money to keep you around. My boyfriend, who I thought I would marry one day, who used to love me, who I thought I loved, just left me. I thought I loved him but I guess I don’t because Ive chosen you over him more times than I want to even think about. He left because he is sick of coming second to you. He’s sick of having to take care of me like a sick child when you aren’t around, sick of having to deal with me and my mood swings, paranoia, hypersensitivity and aggression. All the things you’ve been bringing out in me the last few years, all the things I hate to admit that I struggle with now because I’ve fucked up the natural chemical balance in my brain from years of being with you. People don’t recognize me. I’m way too skinny, I look sick. I can’t eat as much as I should because I’m either sick or with you; I’m never hungry when I’m with you. My body doesn’t know what to do I’m constantly putting it through the extreme, going days without eating, going days without water, and then binge eating everything I can find and binge drinking alcohol to try to feel better when you aren’t there. I get a lot of headaches. I don’t feel healthy. I feel sick. I look in the mirror and even though I know that’s me looking back i know it really isn’t. I’m a shell. I’m a ghost. I’m all that’s left of my old self after having everything in me scooped out from inside and spoonfed to you. You went from making me feel the most me I had ever been to making me feel the least like me I could ever possibly be. You turned me into a person I don’t know, or want to know, a person I hate. I lie for you, I have stolen for you, I have cheated for you. I started out giving you the parts of me I didn’t want and somehow somewhere it turned into you taking parts and pieces of me without my consent, pieces I wanted to keep, parts I needed. Stealing from me everything a person thinks cannot be stolen. Their friends, their family, significant others, their muchness, their themness; you stole my dignity, my pride, my morals. You took everything. And then one day I took a little plastic test from the drug store and my world tipped and fell off of its axis and came back into orbit gravitating to some teeny tiny little speck in the otherwise vast universe. Suddenly my life was no longer about me. Suddenly my life became about another. I still love you. After everything, I still love you. In love with the thing that’s killing me. Best friends with my enemy. I hate that I still feel like this. I don’t want to anymore. I don’t want you to steal my life, too. I don’t want to die. But if I don’t leave you, I will. You’ll kill me.

So this is my letter to you, pills. This is my goodbye. This is me breaking up with you. This is me leaving you. This is me trying to do for once in my life what I know is right and what I know is best for me.

1 note · View note

inkcaviness · 6 years

Note

all the mcr asks, your emo heart wants it

well tbh......true.......(i edited a couple out where i didnt fully get the questions tbh)

I brought you my bullets, You brought me your love

Romance: Who was your first love?

a mistake

Honey, this mirror isn’t big enough for the two of us: Is there a side of yourself that no one knows about?

not really, im pretty sure im an open book

Vampires will never hurt you: Vampires or angry men?

vampires always

Drowning Lessons: Plan on getting married?

not really

Our Lady of Sorrows: Are you religious?

nope

Headfirst for Halos: Are you hopeful? If so, what for?

lmao right now im hopeful for graduation(and for actually making it and not failing) and what comes afterwards

Skylines and Turnstiles: An important event that changed your life or perspective?

going to america. just deciding to change schools in general i think

Early Sunsets Over Monroeville: What’s your favorite horror movie?

tbh im not big on horror movies

This Is the Best Day Ever: Ever been to the hospital?

yea

Cubicles: Where would you be without My Chem?

i mean? probably generally not much wouldve gone different but they definitely helped me feel better ín a shitty time

Demolition Lovers: Would you die for your current lover?

dont have one

Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge

Helena: Have you lost a family member or friend?

Give ‘Em Hell, Kid: Have you ever considered committing murder?

not....seriously

To The End: Corpse Bride. Yay or nay?

big confession: i havent watched it.....yea i know im a fake emo....

You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In Prison: Ever committed a crime?

I’m Not Okay (I Promise): Ever felt out of place?

definitely

The Ghost of You: Ever cried while watching a movie?

yes

The Jetset Life is Gonna Kill You: Ever been cheated on or have cheated?

Interlude: Favorite My Chem song?

hnghhhh difficult, rn probably either F.T.W.W.W. or the sharpest lives....but for nostalgia’s sake also blood so....

Thank You for the Venom: Ever wrote something stupid on a t-shirt?

actually? not i think?

Hang 'Em High: Ever shot a gun?

yes

It’s Not a Fashion Statement, It’s a Fucking Deathwish: Who’s your best friend?

@colorfulpancake

The Black Parade

The End: Ever thought it’d be the end for you?

kinda

Dead!: Ever wanted to die?

yea

This Is How I Disappear: Ever done something to someone that you can’t forgive yourself for?

i had to think about that one for too long so im gonna go with no bc if there was something id have probably answered yes quicker

The Sharpest Lives: Are you anxious?

YES actually very much today bc i have an important exam tomorrow

Welcome to the Black Parade: What’s your favorite memory?

uhhhh tbh i dont have a specific one

I Don’t Love You: Have you ever stopped loving them?

yes

House of Wolves: What is your favorite era?

i dont even wanna choose one okay i love all

Mama: Ever disappointed your parents?

24/7 (well maybe 20/7)

Sleep: Any bad dreams?

occasionally

Teenagers: Are you scared of people your own age?

BIGGEST YES

Disenchanted: What changed your life for the better?

leaving my old school

Famous Last Words: What changed your mind about things?

i think just? meeting new people and learning more stuff?

Blood: Any hidden secrets no one knows?

maybe a few little ones? but barely anything that absolutely no one knows

Danger Days: The True Lives of The Fabulous Killjoys

Look Alive, Sunshine: What time do you wake up?

well rn im still used to my school schedule so around 7:30-8am but give me two more weeks and ill turn nocturnal

Na Na Na (Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na): What gives you strength?

my friends tbh. and looking back and seeing how things have changed

Bulletproof Heart: Do you miss anyone right now?

yes

SING: Who is your idol?

kinda...no one tbh

Planetary (GO!): Biggest accomplishment?

MAN if it was next week already i might be able to say “graduating high school” but i havent actually accomplished that yet.... but tbh just....i know ive already said that like 5 times but pulling myself together and getting myself out of my old school and applying to a new school and actually making it to 18 and being in a far better place than i thought i would be

The Only Hope for Me Is: Do you consider yourself hopeless?

sometimes but not always

Jet Star and The Kobra Kid/Traffic Report: What’s your favorite go-to outfit?

jeans and like a sweater or a tshirt with a plaid shirt over it

Party Poison: Do you speak different languages?

yes

Save Yourself, I’ll Hold Them Back: What is your biggest wish?

dont really have one. finding my way i guess

S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W: Biggest regrets?

too many

Summertime: Who’s got you excited for the summer?

well! im probably gonna go to paris with charlie and maybe see my godmother again and also summer is con season so im gonna see most of my friends!

DESTROYA: If you could save anyone in the world from danger/poverty/war/etc. Who would it be?

i really cant decide on one person

The Kids From Yesterday: What do you wish you could tell your past self?

everything gets better at some point. also please start filling in your eyebrows and just cut your damn hair

Goodnite, Dr. Death: Opinions on standing for the National Anthem?

i dont

Vampire Money: What is your catchphrase irl?

does “mood” count

thank you for asking!!! sorry to everyone who has to scroll past this

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whimsically-ominously-auspice · 4 years

Text

I had 4 Asian Cuisine restaurants in NYC I trusted to send girls home through.

In Iraq we used Mother Teresa.

In NYC I used the Chinese Outlets. So I'm very particular that y'all would abuse them. Most had came to the USA for a better life, made one and found that Americans had it worse thsn they did! And wanted to help. Some were kidnapped themselves, like by Jane's place.

So, anyone ridiculing the Chinese With violence or harassment needs to be arrested and dealt with appropriately.

In Texas I used local news media and lawyers.

In Alabama where i first started. I designed Al Qeada. Then used Mother Teresa to go at a faster pace while Al Qaeda learned the ropes in order to help her get people returned faster to keep all the bunkers empty throughout Iraq, Iran, Isreal, Egypt and all the ones we could reach. Together they acoomplished that.

So it was easy to empty The USSR 3 years later. Our system was fool proof. And good.

Unfortunately the USA and the qE2 teamed up again and imprisoned the real Queen of England you see today from 1991 to 2002. Then off and on until 2008 when Saint Luches "kidnapped her" with permission from then Princes William and Harry and herself and along with my crying pleas to protect her. All part of a sting to help escalate the 31200 factory deals and release some of the Abu from Iraq and Iran and the Chinese from the United States.

In Oklahoma I used the citizens of Okmulgee. The teachers at Preston which then shared information with the state to educate children of stranger,danger and teens of how to get safe jobs

By then I knew it was pointless to evacuate and kill and fight. I had to prevent and protect and work deals and negotiate wkth terrorists.

1. Alabama

2. NYC

3. Texas

4. Florida

5. Oklahoma

6. New Mexico

I wrote out of order. But this was my chronological order of operations.

After NYC i stayed above ground mostly. Those nights with Jane and Lily taught me that may be i was too young. That may be i did have a lot of growing to do.

But my heart craves those streets and the brisk walks In the cold nights.

I know staying off them has kept me alive.

So Jane and Lily stayed in those streets working and helping. And they're alive too. And they had each other and a constant working team

Which i have never had.

But in between living a normal life, and growing up... I had those meetings with terrorists. Being kidnapped in different ways. Being tortured in other ways.

Do i have regrets? Every day.

But what is most important is to keep on working. Keep on fighting. And just keeping on.

One thing that's best for me right now is i found my lifelong goal. I didn't ever know what it was. No job ever seemed right. I was always dissatisfied with options.

Would i be an amazing lawyer or doctor? Hell yes!

But my soul still felt empty with those options.

I remember in high school, graduation... "What's your goal in college?"

What the fuck? Who? What? Why? Such an absurdity that it made me viciously angry, full of hate at the world

Not because I didn't know what i wanted to do or know how but because it wasn't an option

Where was the box that said put a check here for something real like "World Peace" or "Make a difference worth keeping" or anything related to reality.

Sure be rich be a doctor. Save lives. You habe no idea how pointless that made me feel.

Be a lawyer. Sure hate myself and be a hypocrite because I can't remember anything worth a shit in the world that ive ever done. And have all the money in the world. Pointless.

So many options full of shit.

But now I have the ability to give people options. And i guess that's all i ever wanted to do. Free people and make super heroes of regular people in the world.

That's all i ever wanted to do. And it makes me feel safe and warm and cuddled in the corner of the world that is mine.

So i am grateful for all those that care and understand what i am feeling, the frustrations I have felt. Even if you don't feel it yourself but you understand.

I hope you will all be our super heroes of the World.

So stand up for someone that your intuition and intelligence says is being bullied.

Stand up to someone your intuition and intellect is telling you is bullying someone.

And if you can't tell the difference, find an older person in your neighbor hood or a younger person and explain to them fully what your eyes saw and your brain said and why and when.

And you'll both grow to be the greatest suoer heroes of all.

And sometimes you may feel you're not exactly understood. And you may not be. So ask someone else.

Like me, I prefer some one mean to talk to. Because I feel they know a lot. And they are suffering inside. They don't want to let down walls to trust anyone, because they have Seen too much pain and hurt.

And that is the type of person i need to talk to. Someone with real pain.

Like Saint Luches "fuck off I don't want to talk to you" he would always say that in 2008

Because i would make him cry. Everytime. Id ask him very difficult and tough questions. Tell him thank you and have my forehead wrinkled continued to work.

And he would cry. Because I cared. Not pretend to care So I could back stab him. But to help him.

A couple times he thought I was backstabbing him. And he accused me of it. So I would explain to him the web I had been caught in and how I was working to get out of it.

But because they believed what they wanted to, they went running their mouths.

So I let him in my laptop computer. Told him to look at all my documents. How I labeled them and what I would do with them.

And that is when he began to smile

He never took a break like me. Never lived ws a "normal" child.

Since 1985 hes been working everyday to stop human trafficking.

Everyday. Every single day.

I want to say i haven't. But the mental anguish i have suffered and the "normal life" is so that I could help the people coming out now to learn about how the rest of the world works

Although it never had worked for me, I always felt a mysterious place in the world needed m3 that I could never find nor define... I know how it works.

William and Harry have felt they had to leave the Kingdom to see how it is as well.

So while I quit the work and i changed my ways during it.

Its So it could all lead to this point here.

Channel KOAT news camera men being beat up multiple times while trying to document evacuations. (KRQE gave him a coat so he's safer. Yay!)

And that. Just that right there. Competitive news channels helping each other.

I mean world peace? Will it ever exist?

Yes. How can it not?

United We Stand.

Doing different things for the same goal.

Freedom. Sanity. Love. Friendship. Trust.

And more. The military offered him a camouflage jacket. But he understood he was there to be an alternative to the military and police due to their corruption. So he rejected their offer. Although it would saved him from a few more black eyes.

So the military asked KRQE and without hesitation, gave KOAT a jacket to use. Not due to fear, but kindness. And compassion.

0 notes

x-oc-blog-x · 4 years

Text

Inside Avas’ OCs

I got a questionnaire from mibba.com for OCs gonna do this for my favorite OCs

Jackson Canmore

Basic

1. What is your full birth name?

Jackson Michael Canmore

2. Any nicknames?

Jack

3. When were you born/how old are you?

November 2. I am 19.

4. If immortal or slow-ageing, what is your apparent age?

I’m not immortal. That’s be cool though

5. Where were you born?

London, England. I moved to the US when I was 2.

6. Who were your parents?

My mom is alive. Her name is Angel. I never knew my dad.

7. Do you have any siblings?

8. Where do you live now?

In the US

9. Who do you live with?

I used to live at home with mom but after oli and I finished school we moved in together.

10. Are you right or left-handed?

Right.

11. What words/phrases do you regularly use?

I like to cuss. My favorite word is ass. I don’t know why.

12. Name some habits or strange quirks you have?

Cussing is definitely a habit. I like to play with plus hair. I also like to make him blush

Appearance

13. Height: 5’ 10”

14. Weight: 130 pounds

15. Skin Tone: I’m very pale.

16. Body Shape: I’m kinda tall and skinny

17. Hair: I’m dirty blonde

18. Eyes: green.

19. Face Shape: I don’t know man. What does it look like? Tell me.

20. Everyday Dress Style:usually a white shirt with my black jean jacket. Ripped blue jeans. Converse.

21. Formal Dress Style: i don’t know. I don’t really go to formal events. But probably a casual suit? I don’t do fancy.

22. Any Jewelry? Maybe a neck here or there. I don’t really wear anything but the ring oli bought me

23. Any Scars? No

24. Tattoos? Not yet

Growing Up

25. How would you describe your childhood in general?

I was a pretty weird child actually. I ate play doh. But I was wild. I was always the tough kid. Not really. I talked tough though. And I never had attraction to girls growing up. I always knew I was gay. My mom was super supportive of that. She said she still loved me, which definitely helped make me to supportive and loving person I am. I don’t think I could have done anything without my mom.

26. What is your earliest memory?

My mom and I went out to ice cream and I saw a guy get chased by the cops. I might have been 4.

27. How much schooling have you had?

I just graduated high school.

28. Did you enjoy school?

It wasn’t bad. I wasn’t bullied. I had Oli, Misha, and Collin as friends. And they are all great.

29. Where did you learn most of your skills/abilities?

School, mom, and youtube.

30. Any role models while growing up?

The flash. My mom.

31. What did you want to be when you grew up?

I wanted to be an astronaut. I now want to just have a job from home. I do commissions for art and photography.

32. What was your favourite thing to do?

Other than being with oli? I like to draw, take pictures, and play video games. I like to watch Netflix too.

33. Were you popular?

No. But I wasn’t an outcast either

34. Who were your friends?

Misha, oli, Collin.

35. When and who was your first kiss?

My first kiss was with a boy named Liam. I was 14.

Past Influences

36. What do you consider the most important event of your life so far?

Moving out with Oli

37. Who has had the most influence on you? My mom.

38. What do you consider is your greatest achievement?

Being confident. I was really insecure in middle school but I worked on my self image a lot. I’m proud of that.

39. What is your greatest regret?

Not asking oli to date me sooner

40. What is the most evil thing you have ever done?

I tripped a kid once with his lunch tray in his hand. He bullied Misha.

41. Do you have a criminal record of any kind?

42. When was the time you were the most frightened?

When I got on a plane when I was 14 to visit London with my mom. I hate heights.

43. The most embarrassing moment of your life so far?

I peed my pants in 1st grade. Also being afraid of the Ferris wheel.

44. If you could change one thing from your past, what would it be and why?

I want to meet my dad. Would I be different if I knew him? Why did he leave?

45. What is your best memory?

When oli and I had our first kiss. We were sitting in a tree.

46. What is your worst memory?

Definitely watching these homophobes best oli almost to death in a bookstore because we held hands.

Beliefs and Opinions

47. Are you more optimistic or pessimistic?

I’m in the middle I guess.

48. What is your greatest fear?

Heights.

49. What are your religious views?

I don’t believe in god. I’m an atheist.

50. Political views?

I know this is gonna seem like common sense but some people don’t believe the same???

Everyone is equal. Gays, straights. Girls, boys, trans, non binary, etc. I also think people with a uterus should be allowed to have abortions. Immigrants are okay to come in the country. Black lives do matter. Guns are gross. Etc.

51. Views on Sex?

I really like sex. I even one time went to a party with oli and it was a truth or dare party. Let’s just say it was not pg13. It was R.

52. In your own opinion, what is the most evil thing someone could do?

Not accept someone for something they can’t change about themself.

53. Do you believe in Soul Mates/True love?

Kind of. There are different kinds of soul mates that people don’t talk about. There are friend soul mates. Romantic soulmates. Yeah.

54. What do you base success on?

I know this is dumb but how mainstream someone is. Like. Everyone knows we sheeran. So he is successful. Sorry.

55. How honest are you about your thoughts and feelings with yourself?

I’ve always been honest with how I felt because I know that negative emotions are okay to feel.

56. How honest are you about your thoughts and feelings with others?

I tend to keep how I feel to myself because I don’t want to bother others. I can handle myself.

57. Do you have any biases or prejudices?

Yes. If you don’t respect the lgbt+ community we can’t be friends. If you honesty just can’t respect someone’s existence being different than yours such as ableism and racism and the lgbt+, we can’t get along.

58. Is there anything you would absolutely refuse to do under any circumstances?

Bungi jumping. Sky diving. Nope nope nope.

59. Why would you refuse?

WHAT IF I FALL??? ID DIE.

60. Who or what, if anything, would you die for?

I’d die for my friends. And my mom.

61. What do you feel the most passionate about?

Human rights for the oppressed.

62. What one act are you most proud of?

I went to my first pride parade with my mom at 13. I was so happy that I wasn’t alone and that I was part of something.

63. What one act are you most ashamed of?

Disrespecting my mom when I was a little shit. She is the world. I love you mom.

64. Are you a leader or follower?

Leader.

Relationships

65. In general, how do you treat people you don’t know well?

I treat everyone with respect unless they give me a reason not to.

66. How do you treat people you do know? With love :)

67. Who do you respect the most and why?

My mom. She went through so much shit growing up and she didn’t deserve that. Also Oli. I’m proud of him for surging through all the bullshit he faced getting bullied for being out at school. And he survived getting kicked out by his parents. I’m proud of them both.

68. Who are your friends?

Misha, Collin, oli, Rex, Loni, Alex

69. Who is your best friend?

Oli, Misha, Collin.

70. Ever been in love?

Yes

71. Who do you consider family?

Oli, Misha, collin, and my mom.

72. How close are you to your family?

Very

73. Who do you turn to in desperate times and why?

Oli and mom because they have been there for me through so much.

74. Who do you trust to protect you and why?

I trust that all of my friends would, but I don’t expect them to.

75. Who do you despise the most and why?

That guy who almost killed Oli at the bookstore.

76. Do you tend to argue or avoid conflict?

I argue. I don’t deal with bullshit.

77. Do you care what others think of you?

I don’t in most cases, but I’m afraid to be gay in public because of those guys hurting us again.

Sex and Intimacy

78. Do you consider yourself straight, gay, bi, trans or something else?

Gayyyyyyyy

79. Do you have a significant other?

Yes. Oli.

80. Describe them:

Sweet, loving, kind, supportive, smart, and hot as hell.

81. What is the perfect romantic date?

Dinner at home. Then maybe even sexy sexy time.

82. Best sexual partner?oli

83. Worst sexual partner? Oli has been my only consenual partner. So there isn’t really a worst unless you count my sexual assault.

84. Worst thing you’ve done to someone you love?

I broke Liams heart when we dated. I broke up with him because it didn’t feel right anymore. We both changed. It didn’t work.

Likes and Dislikes

85. What is/are your favourite hobbies/pastimes? Drawing, photography, video games, cuddling.

86. What is your most prized possession?

My ring from Oli.

87. Favourite colour?

Black

88. Favourite food?

Spaghetti

89. Favourite movie?

The fault in our stars

90. Favourite TV show?

The flash.

91. What, if anything, do you like to read?

Young adult dystopian novels

92. What style of music do you like?

Pop and emo

93. What is your idea of good entertainment?

Most media like tv. Music. Any form of expression.

94. Do you smoke?

Ew. No

95. Drink?

Absolutely not.

96. Drugs?

No.

97. Typical Friday night?

Spending the night with Oli

98. What would be the perfect gift for you?

A new camera? I don’t know.

99. Rain or Sun and why?

Rain. The sun burns my skin cause I’m so pale.

100. Day or Night and why?

Night. It’s so calm at night.

101. What makes you laugh?

Jokes. Oli. My friends.

102. What shocks/offends you?

Anyone who does not support equal rights.

103. How do you deal with stress?

I usually go to my room and listen to music.

104. Are you spontaneous, or do you feel you always need a plan?

Spontaneous.

105. Any pet peeves?

I can’t stand when people chew with their mouth open.

Occupation/Study

106. Do you have a job or are you studying? I do commissions on the internet.

107. If so, what is it/what course? Photography, drawing.

108. Do you like it? Yess.

109. If studying/not working, where does your money come from? That is my only income.

110. What is your boss/teacher(s)/agent/publisher ect like? I am my own boss and I’m pretty cool if I say so myself.

111. What are your co-workers/other students like? Nah

112. Do you get along with them? I don’t have any

113. What is something you had to learn that you hated?

DRAWING HAIR. OH MY GOD IT WAS SO HARD.

114. Do you tend to save or spend your money?

Spend

Misc.

115. Describe the routine of a normal day for you: wake up, cuddle, eat, draw, photography, hang with Oli, eat, sleep.

116. What is your greatest strength?

Being a leader and being able to handle hard situations

117. Greatest weakness?

I’m not very smart and I make dumb decisions sometimes

118. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?

I would want to be a better support for my friends

119. Introvert or Extrovert? Extrovert

120. Organised or messy? I’m a bit of both

121. Three things you’re good at:

- drawing

- listening

- photography

122. Three things you’re bad at:

- anything heights

- writing

- math

123. Do you like yourself?

Mostly

124. What is your life goal? To be happy

125. Where do you see yourself in five years? Hopefully married to oli and a baby

126. If you could choose, how would you want to die? Quickly. I don’t want to suffer. But I want to go in a way that doesn’t hurt everyone as bad. Natural causes.

127. Three things you would do with 24 hours left to live? - marry Oli, spend time with friends and family, and write a will.

128. What is one thing you’d like to be remembered for after your death? Being badass. Just kidding. I want people to remember me for trying my best to be there for those who needed support

129. Three words to describe your personality?

Badass, confident, kind

130. Three words others use to describe your personality?

Extroverted, goofy, and strong

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