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meimi-haneoka · 1 year

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Clear Card Trivia 1 ~ Literary and musical references/mentions in Cardcaptor Sakura Clear Card

Hello everyone! The end of the Clear Card manga is very near, so I thought it was about time to start writing the long list of posts I'm going to release in the upcoming months, since it's almost time to wrap everything up and it would be nice to look back and not only analyze the plot but also trivia and themes/topics discussed (openly or not) in these almost 7 years of serialization of Cardcaptor Sakura Clear Card Arc.

Today we talk about the several literary and musical references spread across the different CCS Clear Card media. The references are quite a lot and I find it so very fitting for a story that features books so much, both under a positive and negative light. Books have a life-saving role, being the only thing young Akiho could cling to, to survive mentally till the arrival of Kaito in her life and the subsequent removal from her abusive family, but for a twist of fate, a spell under the guise of a book is also what was about to destroy her soul forever when said book got filled up with magic. The very first time Akiho's inner book gets set off is precisely in Fujitaka's library. Moreover, a fictional world existing into a forbidden book called Alice in Clockland is also where Kaito sends everyone in the climax of the story. In that fictional world, it is said that books record the memories and feelings of people. And after recording them, that same book can rewrite them. Books are literally an essential element of the plot of Clear Card Arc.

In my list I will take in consideration both the anime and the manga, with a special section for the now-defunct Happiness Memories mobile game! The references are ordered basing on their impact or importance within the plot, and include all the info we have till chapter 72. I might update this post if we get more literary references in the very last chapters of the arc. I will probably not be able to talk in depth about all the possible double meanings and connections of these stories to the real Clear Card plot, as I haven't read most of these books or I'm still in the process of reading them, but I have looked at summaries on Wikipedia, so hopefully I'll be able to feature at least a part of the interesting connections. Anyone who knows these stories or songs in depth is welcome to give more insight!

Soooo, ready to dive in?

1) Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There / Lewis Carrol

Of course the first reference featured in this list couldn't be other than this one! The whole Clear Card arc is heavily based on the Alice In Wonderland narrative, but particularly in the sequel "Through the Looking-Glass". The very first mentions of "Alice-related" stuff is as early as chapter 12, when Sakura and Tomoyo visit Akiho's home and they check out her huge library: here Akiho shows them her book "Alice in Clockland" for the first time. Tomoyo spots the resemblance with the title of the best-known novel, but Akiho says that the book she's holding wasn't written by the author of Alice in Wonderland, and although the language it's written in is composed by runes, she was taught how to read it. Later on we discover that the more she progresses reading this book, the more it gets connected to recurring dreams she's having, with an "Alice" as the main character who experiences all sorts of adventures (unbeknownst to her, she's dreaming about Sakura's adventures with the Clear Cards). Akiho sometimes shares these dreams with Kaito and he always listens attentively, commenting that it'd be good if Alice acquired "more and more skills". We also see Rika (through Sakura) giving away to Akiho one of her Alice picture books, and the girl is definitely thrilled and moved by the kind gesture of who is basically a stranger to her.

Moreover, in chapter 38 & 39, Kaito shrinks Sakura in order to prompt her to create a Card, and sends her down a hole carved in a tree, calling her "Alice". Sakura also created the Shade card supposedly basing it on the Jabberwock featured in Through The Looking Glass. The whole situation prompts Kaito to remember about his first face-to-face meeting with Akiho, which he says happened in a garden fit for Alice in Wonderland. The whole scenery Sakura witnesses in the strange world she's sent to is very reminiscent of Alice in Wonderland/Through the looking Glass, with her being so little and the talking flowers. Of course, the biggest reference to Through the Looking Glass is the whole Alice in Clockland play, in its first version based on Akiho's beloved book with the same title (Naoko initially called the play "The Two Alice", but then decided to change it at last minute, in a twist of fate). Both "before" and "after" the rewriting of memories operated by Momo's book, we not only have an Alice in this story, but also a Cat (which will have a key role) and a Red Queen. Another notable similarity is how Alice, in Through the Looking Glass, crosses "the wood where things have no names", forgetting her own name for a short time while crossing that forest in the company of a fawn. In Alice in Clockland, the Red Queen completely forgot her name once she entered Clockland, in both versions of the play, before and after the rewriting. Akiho/Red Queen regains her memories by lifting the dark veil covering her face, while Sakura/Red Queen regains her memories thanks to Alice telling her the truth about what happened.

Furthermore, the fact that later in the climax Sakura and Akiho are turned into twins by the forbidden magic activated by Kaito might be considered a reference to the famous twins Tweedledum and Tweedledee (although, that's also commonly known as one of CLAMP's obsessions 😂). One more reference is represented by the White Queen in Through the Looking Glass, who can remember events that will happen in the future, and while Sakura can do that herself to a certain degree, certainly this character is better represented by Lilie, Akiho's mother, who could see so much of the future ahead and tried to reach Sakura in her dreams to inform her of an important truth. It is also to be noted that the White Queen's daughter in Through the Looking Glass is named.....Lily.

2) Ten Nights of Dreams (夢十夜) / Natsume Sōseki

"Ten Nights of Dreams" is a collection of short pieces by Japanese novelist Natsume Soseki, where he narrates 10 mysterious dreams set in various time periods, including his own. The book gets featured for the first time in chapter 10 / volume 3 of the manga, and episode n. 6 of the anime. In this scene, Sakura and Akiho are each reading a portion from the 7th dream, the one where the dreamer finds himself on a ship, among strangers, not knowing where the ship is headed to or when he'll see land again. The tone of this dream, like the rest of them, is pretty dark, as the dreamer is extremely discouraged and decides to throw himself into the sea, regretting it when it's already too late. This book gets directly mentioned again in chapter 58 of the manga, when Naoko reflects on the fact that even the tenth night told in the collection is a dream, because there's no point where the storyteller wakes up. This leads her to think how scary it would be to have a dream you can't wake up from, and this will become for her one of the sources of inspiration for the scenario of the school play. When the teacher talked about this book to her students back in chapter 10, she stated "this collection features plenty of mysterious stories, but depending on the person, they could also be considered 'scary' ". I feel like this is exactly how Clear Card Arc could be described too, especially from the POV of the Japanese readers, that I've witnessed these past couple of years on social media. I wonder if this wasn't a way for CLAMP to tip the readers off regarding the thematics and tone that Clear Card would take halfway through. Moreover, the teacher mentions "foretelling dreams" in relation to this book, and that prompts Sakura to consider if the dream she's constantly seeing with the Mysterious Cloaked Figure could be a foretelling dream too.

3) Momo / Michael Ende

"Momo" is a fantasy novel written by German writer Michael Ende (the same of The Neverending Story), and it gets featured in chapter 39 of Clear Card, while Kaito is having a flashback of his first face-to-face meeting with Akiho. At the moment of Kaito's arrival in the rose garden, Akiho was reading a book, and when she's asked about its content by Kaito himself, the girl tells him of a story that is unequivocally that of "Momo": a little girl battles some so-called "time thieves". Akiho seems to love that story, as she has read it many times.

Although it might seem just an easter egg at the level of the Cthulhu books that I will mention later, the presence of the "Momo" novel here is completely different and very significant to the main story of Clear Card. First of all, its complete German title translates in English to "Momo, or the strange story of the time-thieves and the child who brought the stolen time back to the people". As we all know, this sequel of the Cardcaptor Sakura series deals heavily with the theme of time, and Kaito is strictly related to that theme, as he's the major "player" of that element, using magic to stop it or especially to rewind it. In "Momo", the "time-thieves" (also called Men in Grey) are some kind of paranormal parasites with the goal of stealing the time of humans. They appear to people offering to save their time in some so-called "Timesaving Banks", urging them to spare time by dropping any activity that supposedly "wastes time" like relaxing, playing, enjoying things, with the goal of having that time returned back with interests later. But that time saved in the bank is actually stolen and consumed by the Men in Grey for their own survival. Human feelings such as love are a hindrance for them, and they avoid at all costs to form any bond with anyone. Momo is a mysterious little girl, beloved by everyone in her town as she seems to be able to solve anyone's problems or afflictions just by listening and talking to them. She will eventually take on the task of defeating the Men in Grey. Ende's novel is a critique to consumerism in the modern society and how hectic our lives have become, where time is everything and we often never use it for what really matters the most: making us happy. Momo was published in 1973 but its thematics are super relevant even today.

Aside from the easy connection of the topic of time to what Kaito does (although in a more benign way, in our case), "Momo" is also how Akiho chose to name her beloved bunny plushie, who, unbeknownst to her, is actually the magical Guardian of the Book of Time. We don't know when exactly that naming happened, as of chapter 72, but the fact that one of the most treasured and beloved existences in Akiho's life was named "Momo" - the same as the title of the book Akiho was reading when she met Kaito for the first time - suggests hitsuzen is strongly at work here. Akiho might have named Momo after she met Kaito, and to show how important that meeting was to her, she chose to name her after an element that was strictly connected to that meeting. And if she named her so before meeting Kaito, then it shows just how fateful their meeting was. She named one important existence after a beloved book, and precisely when she was reading that same book, she had her first meeting with another important person in her life. The one she will love the most.

It is also to be noted that in "Momo", the time is consumed by the Men in Grey in the form of smoking cigars made out of dried hour-lilies' petals, which are pink flowers representing time itself. Again, a feature of lily flowers, which connects us once more to Lilie.

Depending on how Clear Card will end, and whether Sakura will be able to regain all the memories and the time lost with them, beating the Forbidden Magic activated by Kaito, we might even draw another reference - how Ende's Momo is able to give the stolen time back to the people of her town.

4) "Tsuki ga kirei desu ne" (月が綺麗ですね) / Natsume Sōseki + "Kaze no nai yoru ga boku wo semetogameru" (風のない夜が僕を責めとがめる) / SPARKS GO GO

In chapter 48 of the manga, Akiho, unable to sleep after waking up from an unsettling dream, heads to the garden of her home in the middle of the night. And there surprisingly she finds Kaito, also awake and staring intently at the full moon. In a magical and emotional scene, illuminated by the full moon and prompted by feelings of worry for Kaito's pale complexion - too pale for his own good, Akiho tells him "Can we talk a little bit longer? Because...the moon is really beautiful".

At first, these can seem totally normal words of admiration for the full moon illuminating the two. But actually in this scene, Akiho has just covertly confessed to Kaito that she loves him. Many of you probably already know, but in Japan there's a little story that takes us back again to the famous novelist Natsume Soseki who seems to influence Clear Card so much (he'll get another mention later in this post). There's no actual written evidence of this, so Japanese people tend to consider this as some folklore tale, but when Soseki worked as an English teacher, he allegedly corrected one of his students who translated too literally the English phrase "I love you" in Japanese. He supposedly said "that's too direct, Japanese people don't express such phrase so directly. You should use 月が綺麗ですね (tsuki ga kirei desu ne, 'The moon is beautiful, right?') instead". And that's how the myth of expressing "I love you" in Japanese with "the moon is beautiful, right?" was born. It is very poetic, romantic and subtle so there's no doubt its popularity is really high and used in all kinds of media even today. And, I have to say, it fits romantic, shy and bookworm Akiho to a T. But how can we be sure that Akiho was really-really meaning that? It's because of the quotation marks on the original Japanese script. Akiho was deliberately quoting a source. And her face right afterwards, eyes cast down and red as a tomato, is the final proof of her intention. We still don't know, 24 chapters later, if Kaito's surprised face meant he understood what she was secretly meaning, or not.

However, I have a second source for this particular line from Akiho. One day I was searching on the internet, wanting to know more about this popular phrase, exactly as she worded it (it's slightly different from the classic one) and I stumbled upon the song "Kaze ga nai yoru ga boku wo seme togameru" (The windless night is reproving me) by Sparks Go Go. It's a love song from 1993, and the very first verse features the very same line Akiho said, worded exactly as she did. When I started to translate the lyrics, I was shocked. The lyrics actually fit perfectly the scene in the garden under the moonlight and what was going on between Kaito and Akiho in that moment, so much that it really makes me wonder if Ohkawa wasn't trying to make a double reference here:

Since the moon is beautiful I'll invite you for a stroll outside Tonight it's a bit chilly So wear one more layer of clothing I'm stammering And for some reason I suddenly realize All the feelings I've kept inside till now The windless night is reproving me Even though you're telling me A funny thing that happened to you today Tonight it's a bit different than usual My heart is twinkling Our footsteps echo softly As if I'm about to realize something All the feelings I've kept inside till now The windless night is reproving me The windless night is gently inviting me

As you can see, it's almost a precise description of that scene, with the mention of the stroll at night under the moonlight, the talk and the hidden feelings that are being conveyed in that moment.

I'll conclude this paragraph with something that I usually always mention when I tell people about the "moon is beautiful" 's hidden meaning in relation to Clear Card's storyline, because I think it's highly related. There are several ways to respond "I love you too" to a love confession made in that fashion. And one of the most popular ones that gets associated so much to this phrase (despite not coming from the same author but actually another one, Japanese novelist Shimei Futabatei who lived in the same period of Soseki) is 死んでもいいわ (shinde mo ii wa), which literally translates in English to "I can die happy" or "I can die for you" (you already know where I'm going with this one, right?). Apparently, Futabatei decided to translate in Japanese as shinde mo ii wa the Russian word Ваша present in a passage of the book "Asya" by Ivan S. Turgenev. The word Ваша actually literally translates in English as "yours", and the scene showed a woman deeply committing to her love, but since this is the same period as Soseki, the Japanese novelist used an indirect way to express it. I've read that the choice of shinde mo ii wa is tightly connected to the context of the original story, where a woman of low social status (an illegitimate daughter of a Russian landowner) and a man of higher class fell in love, but kept it hidden for most of the story. Back in those times, such relationship was frowned upon by society and so, indulging in that love could also be seen as the death of someone's life in society. In that sense, that "I would die for you" expresses the spirit of abnegation and complete dedication that such profound love inspires. Now, back to Clear Card, consider who's literally sacrificing himself for Akiho, and draw your conclusions.......

5) Liber Ivonis, Celaeno Fragments / H. P. Lovecraft & August Derleth

When Akiho visits Sakura's home in ch. 26 in order to learn how to cook from her, Sakura also brings her to visit her father's small library. In a very excited way, Akiho recognizes some books of her interest and she asks Sakura if she can take them. Those books are, in order of appearance, "Liber Ivonis" and "Celaeno Fragments" (there's a small typo on the book's title, due to the ambivalence of R/L in Japanese) which are two books featured in the Cthulhu Mythos created by US writer H. P. Lovecraft. Both books seems to be grimoires about occult topics and dark magic spells. It is very likely that the two books are merely easter eggs (they had no influence whatsoever on the plot) or a covertly way from CLAMP to let us know that Akiho was acquainted with magical books.

6) Buying Mittens (手袋を買いに) / Nankichi Niimi

"Buying Mittens" from Japanese author Nankichi Niimi is the book Sakura and Akiho are asked to read to the children of the hospital in episode 19 of the Clear Card anime. The story features a baby fox going on a journey to a nearby village to buy mittens to warm its cold paws in the rigid snowy winter. The story revolves around the themes of trust in other human beings. Although the mother fox advised her little one to be careful of human beings, because if they found out it was a fox, something terrible would've happened, the little fox actually finds out humans are not all the same, and the human being selling the mittens wasn't actually harmful at all.

See, when this episode was released in May 2018, I remember it got a lot of criticism for being a "wasted episode" and not bringing the plot forward at all. But I had already understood back then that this was actually a very symbolic episode for one of the major thematics of Clear Card, which would've shown its full importance only later on the story: how much we can trust other people, especially when we don't know them and they are having seemingly hostile behaviors. I knew the anime staff chose to feature this book for a precise reason. With hindsight, from the manga storyline POV, this is absolutely connecting to how Sakura had her trust tested multiple times in the entire arc, not only towards Kaito who had the most ambiguous behaviors, but also her loved ones, starting from Syaoran himself - who stole her cards in the very beginning and even lied to her, hiding an important truth for her sake; but also Yukito, for a moment, when he activated the Moon barrier all of a sudden, scaring even Kero and Suppi; or how inevitably Sakura's trust in Akiho was also put under pressure once she found out that Kaito was a magician and so inevitably she had to question the reliability of a person very close to him. Trust, trust in your beloved people and even more deciding to trust someone you don't know well is of utmost importance in this arc. If Kaito the magician is, in Buying Mittens, the human known for hurting and hunting and killing foxes, Sakura is the little fox who has to make the important decision of whether she can trust him or not, especially when she's in a moment of vulnerability (in the story the little fox shows the fox paw instead of the human hand to the hatter, who recognizes it as a fox but actually doesn't hurt it at all).

When Sakura found out about Kaito being a magician, she made a careful and delicate decision: she decided to trust Akiho and indirectly to trust Kaito too, avoiding to jump to conclusions and to ruin Akiho and Kaito's relationship by questioning her friend about Kaito's nature. And despite acting in shady ways for the entire arc, and sometimes being just misunderstood - leading everyone to believe he intended to hurt Sakura, in the end we found out that none of that has ever been Kaito's intention from the very beginning.

As repeatedly told by Nanase Ohkawa of CLAMP in Twitter Spaces, Sakura trusts her loved ones, and that actually represents her strength to believe that she will always be ok and everything will eventually be alright.

At the end of the Buying Mittens story, on its way back to his mother, the little fox hears a human mother singing a lullaby to her baby, and the fox draws a parallel to its own mother. Thanks to that, while being cuddled by the mother fox later, the baby fox says "maybe humans are good, after all". Motherhood and mother's love is definitely another thematic common to Clear Card and Buying Mittens, but also finding something that wholesome in common between the two species (humans and foxes) is the key to trust that there can be something good to be found even in "the other" that seems so scary and oppositive in the beginning. I'm certain that will also be a huge theme that will lead Sakura to help Akiho and Kaito in the very end of this climax.

7) Night on The Galactic Railroad / Kenji Miyazawa

"Night on The Galactic Railroad" is the title of the book Yukito is reading to the children of the hospital in episode 19 of the Clear Card anime.

8) "Oborozukiyo" (朧月夜)

"Oborozukiyo" is a Japanese folk song that gets featured in chapter 9 of the manga and episode 6 of the anime. Tomoyo and Akiho sing together this song in 2 different occasions between manga and anime: in the manga they sing it at the hanami in front of group of school friends, while in the anime it is a song that Tomoyo suggests to Akiho to sing together, and at the end of the performance she offers Akiho to join the choir later. The song is also featured in the Clear Card soundtrack album.

9) Special references appearing in the mobile game Happiness Memories:

Botchan / Natsume Sōseki

Natsume Soseki gets mentioned again in the Happiness Memories game when Akiho, in one of the photostories (the one focused on the study of English, with Syaoran reiterating his love to Sakura in English without her knowing what he meant ❤️) tells Sakura she's looking for the English version of some books, namely Night On The Galactic Railroad by Kenji Miyazawa (already mentioned above) and Botchan by Natsume Soseki. Apparently, Kaito suggested her to find those books and read them in English, since she's still having some difficulties with Japanese language. Akiho doesn't initially remember the titles of those books, so Syaoran intervenes and tries to help.

The Wandering Lake / Sven Hedin

"The Wandering Lake" is a book written by swedish geographer Sven Hedin. This one gets seemingly mentioned during one of the photostories set during the old anime arcs, where Syaoran gets invited to the Kinomoto home and bakes a cake with Fujitaka and Sakura (I don't really know much of the details because I never got this card 💦) While they wait for it to bake, Fujitaka and Syaoran talk about their favorite subject, archeology! And Fujitaka apparently makes references to this book (he supposedly mentions the lake name, Lop Nur) while explaining his love for archeology.

And I believe that's all for this first installment of "Clear Card Trivia"!! I hope you enjoyed it and maybe that it surprised you too, for some reference that you didn't catch before today! My love for this story is infinite, for all the reading "layers" it provides us with, and one of those is composed by all the literary references featured in it, since books are really so important in this arc. Knowing all these little quotes and references makes me appreciate CLAMP's efforts to build this arc as something deeper and more meaningful.

As I said in the beginning, I intend to update this post in case something else comes up in the handful of chapters that are left! See you next time, what will I feature? I have looooots I want to talk about!!

#card captor sakura #cardcaptor sakura #ccsakura #clear card arc #sakura card captor #clear card trivia #<- this will be the designated tag for this series of posts!

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blackbat05 · 5 months

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New Beginnings

Oliver Wood x Autistic! Reader

Plot: It's your final Christmas at Hogwarts but that doesn't mean you can't make new friends. While working at the school library, you meet a certain Qudditch Captain who has been observing you for longer than you think.

Genre: PG-13 (warning: suggested degrading terms towards people with special needs but not explicitly mentioned)

A/N: It's that time of the year and my obsession hasn't gone away actually, it's just been dormant. And what better time of the year to do a new character, one that I actually crushed on by simply just reading the books. Thanks @the-slumberparty for letting this gal write so many fics for end of the year!

Prompts in Bold!

***

It was a quiet day at the library. The semester break had just started and this meant that many students would be heading back home for the holidays.

You decided to stay at Hogwarts. Your friends expressed their pity but quickly forgot your supposed “plight” as they jabbered on about their holiday plans. Instead of cramped concert venues where wizards and witches would be rubbing all over each other, you decided to take on a position as library assistant at the school library. It was your final semester and you were going to miss this place. Soon, it would be the harsh environment of the working world and you weren’t quite ready to face it yet.

Apart from a student scribbling on his parchment, the library was empty. You decided to flip through the papers, looking at potential job openings for an educator at a school for young wizards and witches with special needs. You marked potential jobs with your wand, not noticing the young wizard in front of you.

“Oh my god! You scared me.” You jump a little at the sight of his burly figure.

“Sorry,” he apologizes, scratching his head sheepishly. “I was hoping you could help me find this book?” He passes you a piece of paper with the title scribbled on it.

“Professional Qudditch techniques?” You raised your brows, looking at the boy over the paper. You knew that you were talking to the Captain of Gryffindor’s Qudditch team. “I believed Madam Pince told me to stock this yesterday. Come along Wood.”

“You know who I am?”

A small smile forms on your lips. “Hard not to when your part of the Furious Seven.” You see his bemused expression and add on hurriedly, “I mean that’s what some people call the team.” You head down the aisle with Oliver Wood trailing behind you like a lost puppy. “Here it is!” You beamed, passing him a thick magenta book.

Oliver beams and thanks you. “So, are you not going back for the holidays?”

“Nah. My family’s inviting relatives over and I don’t really want to answer their intrusive questions. Especially since we’re in our final year.” You say drily and Oliver solemnly nods in understanding. “Besides, I wanted to stay for the school’s Christmas dinner and celebration. I won’t be coming back next year so I want to have a magical Christmas. What about you? Surely you can’t be studying.”

He laughs, “Nope. I was hoping to practice some moves for the professional Qudditch tryouts next year. I’m trying out for Puddlemere United’s reserve team.”

“That’s great!” You say sincerely. “I hope you make it.”

“Thanks Y/N.”

You pause in your tracks, looking at him curiously. “How do you?”

“Know your name?” Oliver finishes helpfully. “Hard not to know the Witch who is advocating for the rights of Wizards and Witches with special needs and doing a far more excellent job than those in the Ministry.”

“You read my posts?” You refer to the commentary on the school’s newspaper and an independent newspaper from the Ministry that you were involved in.

“Of course I did. I’m not going to be reading whatever purist rubbish that the Ministry has.” Oliver responds. The two of you reach the counter and he waits for you to check out his book.

“Um. I was wondering if you’re free tomorrow. Since it's Christmas Eve.” He adds hastily as you looked at him curiously.

“Sure. I would like to get a book from the local bookstore. Perhaps we could have a few butter beers while we’re at it.” You suggest. Oliver grins and you can’t help but to match his as well. You’ve never talked to him for this long before and you’ve only seen him from afar at the Qudditch matches. Kind of odd really that he’s reaching out before the lot of you graduate.

“It’s a da- deal!” He agrees a little too loudly as Madam Pince shoots her head out from one of the shelves and gives him a glare. You giggle softly.

“It’s a deal.”

***

You meet Oliver at the entrance to Hogsmeade. You can’t help but to notice that even all under that clothing, Oliver’s physique was still prominent. You prayed that the cold weather would cool your cheeks.

“Shall we?” He offers and the two of you trudge along the snow covered path.

Despite the two of you only having a real conversation the day before, it felt as if like you've known him since the very beginning. As the Captain of the Qudditch team, you always thought that he would be unapproachable and up there. On the contrary, he was charming and jovial, making you laugh at an incident that he recounted on the Qudditch field.

"You know a lot about the sport." Oliver remarks as you also added in your two cents on the recent match between the bottom two teams on the league table.

"My dad watches it. He's a huge fan. I think the two of you will get on swimmingly."

"Why didn't you join Qudditch then?" Oliver asks. He clearly remembers in first year of broom practice with Madam Hooch, you were one of the few students who could control their broom with ease and even managed to have a good swing at the practice bludgers Madam Hooch threw at you.

"Let's just say that I was a free spirit." You enter the warm bookstore and greet the saleswizard who directed you to the newest releases. Satisfied with your find, you retrieve another book and thrust it into Oliver's hands.

"I didn't want to say anything while Madam Pince was there but this is the newest version of Professional Qudditch Techniques. It has a few extra pages at the back that discusses Puddlemere United's training system and why its so effective."

Oliver is about to reach out, presumably to pay but you have a tight grip on the book. "A Christmas present." You tell him.

You hurriedly look away and Oliver can't help but to notice how your sniffing due to the cold (and also nerves at your attempt to get closer to him). He doesn't know the actual reason for your sudden sinus of course so he wraps his scarf around your neck. The saleswizard gives you a playful grin and shake your head furiously while Oliver is engrossed in a sports magazine, blissfully unaware.

Your last stop for the day was the Three Broomsticks. Oliver orders two mugs of butterbeer that you force yourself not to down with relish.

"Thanks for today." You nurse your mug. "I really enjoyed it. Best Christmas ever."

"So did I. My parents wanted me to be home for the holidays but I'm glad I made the right decision." Oliver has an unreadable expression and a honey-like gaze that would have gotten you stuck if you were transfixed on him any longer. The bell to the Three Broomsticks rings, signaling new customers and also the change in Oliver's expression.

"Flint." He hisses and you turn around to see the Slytherin Captain with a bunch of his cronies snarling at Oliver. Flint had a nasty grin plastered on his face. Oliver takes you by the wrist and you end up sitting beside him as the group approaches menacingly.

"What do we have here? I didn't know you had time to pick up girls?" Marcus Flint's slimy undertones made your skin crawl. You unknowingly grip Oliver's hands tighter under the table. You never liked the whole lot of them. For a very good reason as well. They would constantly make hateful and degrading comments at the cause that you were championing, even going as far as harassing you anonymously with thinly veiled death threats. You couldn't catch everyone, but you knew Marcus was one of many.

"Sod off Flint." Oliver shoots but obviously falls on death ears. In fact, this eggs on Marcus' taunts. His eyes fall on you and narrow into slits. You almost shrink into a ball and this does not go unnoticed by Oliver.

“So, L/N. Written any tasteless posts lately?”

Your mouth goes dry and Marcus continues to launch his assault on you. He turns to one of his cronies. “Hey, did anyone see that post about how wizards and witches with special needs should be able to attend schools?”

A snort of assent goes around and you go bright pink, fighting to keep your temper down in a public place.

“What a whole lot of dung that was. Hogwarts is already ridden with blood traitors and mudbloods. We certainly don’t need more charity cases.”

This time, you find yourself holding onto Oliver whose knuckles have gone red. He knew that both your parents were muggles.

“Did you know?” Marcus says to no one in particular but his voice is annoyingly loud. “I’ve heard a rumor.” His smile is almost sinister. “Y/N here is apparently… a special needs witch as well. A reta-”

Before Marcus can get another word out, a loud sickening crunch could be heard from Oliver’s fist coming into contact with Marcus’ jaw.

“You keep your bloody mouth shut Flint!” Oliver was shaking in rage. “Y/N, let me at him!”

“Oliver stop! He’s not worth it!” You hold him back while Marcus is held up by his cronies. “Please!” You stand in front of him and this seems to snap Oliver out of his rage induced trance. “Get lost before I break your hand next.” He snarls.

Marcus keeps his mouth shut but is shaking from fury and embarrassment from the attention that the scuffle had attracted. He storms out of the establishment, cronies slithering behind him. The Three Broomsticks resumes its normal hustle, leaving you and Oliver to clean up the mess that was a result of the fight.

You stay silent throughout the rest of the trip, all the way back to Hogwarts. Oliver thinks that he’s royally screwed up this time and is wrecking his brains on how to apologize.

“Come on in.” You tickle the pear and the door to the Hufflepuff common room opens. “Let me see your hand.”

Oliver blinks but doesn’t say anything. He follows you quietly into the common room that was thankfully empty.

“Sit.” You direct him to the sofa as you rummage through the shared medical supplies. You wordlessly take his hand and Oliver goes stiff as a gargoyle. Working your magic, the bruise on Oliver’s hand is virtually non existent and doesn’t feel sore when he grabs the cup of water on the coffee table.

“Thank you.” You speak up. “No one ever has done that for me.” You throw the last of the medicinal jars into the kit, returning it back to its original place with a flick of the wand.

“It’s what I would have done. You’re a hundred times better than them, pureblood or not.” Oliver states. Curiosity crawls up his neck and he wants to ask about the unsavory rumor about you floating around Hogwarts. But you beat him to it first.

“When I was four, I wasn’t hitting the typical milestones a wizard or witch would. My parents were worried and sent me to every muggle doctor and therapist in hopes that I would get better. It was a tough journey but with my parents’ support, I’m able to be here today.” You explained. “That’s why I’m so passionate about what I do. Because I see myself in them. Hell, I am them.”

“I didn’t know.” Is all Oliver can say. You smile sadly.

“I didn’t tell anyone. Despite what I’m doing, you’ll be surprised that there’s still stigma surrounding the magical world regarding special needs wizards as witches.”

A lull of silence falls between the two of you.

“Well, you’re still the same in my eyes.” Oliver insists. “Beautiful, brave and bold.” He realizes what he had just said and goes beet red. You can’t help but to think it’s adorable.

“Thanks. For believing in me.” Before you can even understand what is happening, the door to your heart has opened. You feel vulnerable but strangely… you’re okay with that. You lean forward and give him a kiss on his cheek.

The sight in front of you is hilarious - Oliver holds a hand to his cheek, mouth slightly agape. You laugh at his apparent shock and you don’t know where you get the bravery or confidence from.

“Do you need me to kiss you again?”

Oliver snaps out of his stupor and this time it’s his turn to leave you stuttering. “Yeah. I need you to kiss me properly this time.”

A pair of wolf whistles emit from the entrance of the common room and you see a familiar pair of redheads with identical grins.

“Way to go Cap!”

“And we thought you were only married to Qudditch!”

Oliver rolls his eyes good-naturedly. “Piss off you two.”

George Weasley raises his hands up in mock surrender. “Don’t your get your pants in a twist Wood. We just wanted to tell you that Christmas dinner is starting in ten. We couldn’t find you in the common room so we’ve been looking everywhere.”

“Everywhere except here apparently.” Fred adds helpfully, dodging a cushion that Oliver throws his way.

“Don’t be late!” The twins singsong and leaves you two alone once again.

"I'm so sorry about those two." Oliver groans. To his surprise, you didn't look the slightest bit mad. You shift closer to him and Oliver has to steady his heart as you look at him.

"Can I hold your hand?"

Oliver goes slack for a moment. It's funny if he thinks about it. You've kissed him on the cheek for Godric's sake! But like on the Qudditch pitch, he recovers quickly and takes the lead instead, reaching out to grab your hand that slots perfectly with his. As you leave the common room and head to the Great Hall where you can already hear the festivities in full swing, Oliver stops abruptly.

He looks so serious that you wondered if he completely malfunctioned from the moment you two had in the common room.

"You forgot something," Oliver says and you feel his lips on yours. He slowly parts, observing your expression with a lopsided grin. "A kiss."

A cold gust of wind brushes by and the two of you look out to see the first snowfall of your last year at Hogwarts. "What do you know? First snowfall of our first day together."

Once you snap out of your trance, you playfully smack him on his broad shoulder and he sprints away from you.

"You are a cheeky one Oliver Wood!" You yell.

"Yeah?" He turns around, stopping right outside the entrance of the Great Hall. "But at least I'm yours! Hey! Everyone!" He attracts attention from everyone in the hall - students, professors and even Headmaster Dumbledore himself. "I'm finally going out with Y/N L/N!"

You run after him as loud whoops from the Gryffindor and Hufflepuff table could be heard. Even the faculty were exchanging serene smiles at the sight of young love despite the imminent tough times that were about to descend on them any moment.

It was your last year at Hogwarts. Your final Christmas celebration with a place you called home for the past seven years. But with every ending, comes a new beginning.

In this case, one that involved a very charming Qudditch Captain who saw you for who you were.

#oliver wood #oliver wood x reader #harry potter character #harry potter fanfiction #navy and roo's sleepover #oliver wood x autistic! reader #christmas fanfic #christmas

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nspwriteups · 11 months

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Pehla Nasha | Kundavai x Vanthiyathevan OS (Modern AU)

A/N:This had been sitting in my drafts for weeks... finally found the confidence to post it. Happy reading 😊

Kundavai = Keerthana , Vanthiyathevan= Vaishnav, Aditha = Adithya and Arulmozhi= Amal

Keerthana stood at the return section of the public library, glancing at the news channel in the tv mounted on the wall. She waited for the staff to return her library cards and made her way to the book section. She scanned the stacks for the book she had been searching for weeks. It was too boring for her to use the Web Opac on the library computer to get the book of her choosing. She preferred searching through the long rows of paperback until an interesting title or an attractive book cover caught her attention. But try as she may, she wasn't able to find THAT book yet. She looked around for a minute. Maybe because it was almost noon or maybe it's because it was a Sunday, there were only two people in the book reference section there - she and another guy,who seems to be in his own world - whistling an unrecognisable song and staring at the books ahead of him with hands in his pocket. She was again too lazy to go all the way over to the staff section to enquire and so she briefly glimpsed at the seemingly oblivious guy again. Her friends always called her out on her introverted nature. She wasn't really introverted, she just preferred to listen and observe others over talking non stop. She slowly walked over and tapped the guy's shoulder. He was taller than her and when he turned around she noticed his brown eyes meet hers in a look of confusion and curiosity.

"Hello. I was wondering if you know where I can find Kalki's Ponniyin Selvan novels?" She put on her friendliest smile and politest tone. He looked around for a moment before turning back to her with an embarrassing expression. "I am not the library staff.. I'm just browsing books like you"

She knew that. Of course she knew that but still she couldn't help but feel awkward all of a sudden. Maybe he noticed it because he quickly added "But I have time to kill. I can help you find the book". She gave a quick nod and together they went to the Tamil literature section and started digging from the opposite sections. As she searched, she couldn't help checking out her helper of the hour - his olive green jacket fitted him well and his entire body language gave him a laid back demeanor. He looked like a Wattpad male lead character with his tall frame, boyish outfit, silver chain peeking out of his jacket collar and striking brown eyes. She saw him turning slightly to look in her direction and quickly turned her attention to the books in front her. Get a hold of yourself Keerthana! She thought to herself.You are a research scholar for God's Sake! Don't act like an infatuated teenager. Keerthana prided herself in being clever, practical and disciplined - a complete opposite to her brothers who were prone to spontaneity. Even though her friends teased her for shooing away even the slightest chance of a relationship coming her way, she never told them the real reason she wasn't willing to give her heart away. She had her moments of checking out the cute guys she met now and then (like now for instance) but deep down she was waiting for a romcom version of love - an unexpected meeting followed by a series of chance encounters until the hero says something like "You have Bewitched me body and soul" (She absolutely loved Pride and Prejudice) - that was her secret, that behind her calm,composed and strategic facade was a girl yearning for a silly and magical romance. She was snapped out of her thoughts with a book waving in front of her."Found it" He declared with a grin. She smiled and said "Thanks a lot. You were such a great help". It was true, he was such a friendly person."How can I not help someone as beautiful as you" He replied with a smirk. Huh, friendly and flirty then. "I am Vaishnav. And you are?""I'm Keerthana" She said as she made her way to the book issue section. He caught up with her easily, a book called Exploring the World tucked in his arms. So a wattpad-ish looking person with a love for reading travelogue? This guy seems to be the dream vision of many of the reader girls out there. "Keerthana as in Keerthana Viswanath? Adithya's sister?" He asked and Keerthana stopped on hearing her older brother's name. "Yes. How do you know?""I'm in the same football team as him. He always talk about you and your brother Amal. It's so nice to finally meet you" He said with the same grin as before, looking at her amusingly. Aah, so that must be why she felt a familiarity with him. They exited the library together, both unintentionally walking at a snail's pace, engrossed in their conversation. She learnt that his favourite colour is green, aspired to become a travel writer and was best friends with her brother. He got to know that she was a bookworm with a love for classics, loved boat rides and was as impressive as her brother. They faced each other once they reached the parking lot.

"So.." He began, not knowing what to say despite the fact that he prided himself in being a sweet-talker.

"So..." She also initiated, feeling the awkwardness climbing back up

"I hope I can see you around. Maybe another encounter at the library? " He joked

"We'll see" She joined in on the joke, with a playful smile and a thumping heart.

Later, when she was in her room, already pages deep in the first book of the Ponniyin Selvan series, she imagined him to be Vallavaraiyan Vanthiyathevan and herself to be Ilaiya Piratti Kundavai. Because she couldn't picture anyone else to be the flirty and enthusiastic Vana Kula Ilavarase. And the more she imagined, the more she felt as if maybe there is something about this boy that is pulling her towards him, a sort of feeling that somehow he will come into her life as more than Adithya's best friend. She placed a hand over her heart beating faster than usual at the thought of such a possibility. "Silly heart" she whispered with a soft giggle.

@ramcharanobsessed @dumdaradumdaradum @vibishalakshman @harinishivaa @hollogramhallucination @kovaipaavai@rang-lo. @willkatfanfromasia@thelekhikawrites@thegleamingmoon@deafeningflowercat@yehsahihai@whippersnappersbookworm@itsfookingloosah@gemsmusings@chiyaanvikram@elvenladysakura. @matka-kulfi. @madatdisney@bumblebeeskywalker@vahnithedreamer@nkarti@dosai-maavu@utterlynotperfect@winter-birds@happy-bookworm @tumbledout @anabanana4115 @freeunknownwasteland @bhataktiatmacore@rapunzels-stuff@celestesinsight@mairablue@rationalelderberry@existenceiswhateven@arachneofthoughts@spider5884fan11 @cara-2003 @nirmohi-premika @stella12

#ponniyin selvan #ponniyin selvan 2 #arulmozhi #kundavai #aditha karikalan #vanthiyathevan

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thewolvesof1998 · 10 months

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WIP Wednesday

Tagged by the amazing @prince-buck-diaz @wikiangela @spotsandsocks @try-set-me-on-fire

Is this a new WIP when I should be finishing chapter two of my ‘Buddie Rodeo/Bull Riding AU’? Maybe. Anyways this is my Buddie Librarian AU based on this post. Thanks to @hannah-ruth-990 for the idea! Here's the beginning of the fic, working title: ‘Let me check you out’

Buck loves his job. He works in the biggest library in LA, the Richard J. Riordan Central Library, it’s the main branch of the Los Angeles Public Library and it’s the third biggest library in the US in terms of books and periodical holdings. Buck is extremely proud of his job, especially since he’s taken up the position of Head Children’s Librarian. He’d worked hard to get to this position and he’s not going to let the new rude and grumpy Reference Librarian mess it all up.

“Did you move the pile of books on my desk?” Buck asks, he already knows the answer, no one else would move any of Buck’s stuff, they know not to mess with his system. Something this new guy is just not understanding even after a week of working together.

“You mean the pile of books that were on my desk?” Eddie Diaz asks, not looking up from his computer screen, typing away, eyebrows creased.

Buck grits his teeth, biting back the snarky comment that would only get an indifferent eyebrow raised from the guy and Bobby pulling him into another meeting about being nice to coworkers.

When Buck had come in on Monday morning, he’d been all smiles until he’d breezed through the doors of his office and seen a strange man sitting at Buck’s second desk.

“Who are you?” Buck asks, in a not entirely friendly way, but he’s thrown off by the unfairly attractive man sitting in front of him already rearranging Buck’s stuff.

“Eddie Diaz, the new Reference librarian, You must be…’Buck’ the children’s librarian,” Eddie Diaz says, standing up and holding out a hand. Buck was too caught on the slight disdain dripping from Eddie Diaz’s words to return the handshake. His hand hung limply between them until Eddie Diaz retracted it, lips pinching and eyebrows furrowing in a look that should be comical but was annoyingly attractive.

“What are you doing in my office”

“Well I believe it is our office, Bobby said he’d told you,” Right Bobby had sent him an email last week about the new Reference librarian but he had failed to mention that 1. The guy would be sharing his office and 2. That the guy looked like a damn model.

If you want to check out some of my other works my current WIPs are ‘Buddie MMA Rivals AU’ and ‘Buddie Rodeo/Bull Riding AU’ and here’s a master list of some of my works and this is my AO3

tagging: (no pressure) @wildlife4life @alyxmastershipper @jesuisici33 @heartbeatdiaz

#WIP Wednesday #buddie #evan buckley #Eddie Diaz #9-1-1 #buddie fic #au #thewolvesof1998 writes #my wips #librarian buddie au #fic: let me check you out

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twixitativi · 21 days

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do you have any tips on writing an au? normal fics i can usually handle but i’m working on a kunichuu grease au and i’m finding it quite difficult.

hiya! thanks for asking :3 also good luck with that, that seems like so much fun omg; feel free to send when you start releasing, i'd love to check it out!

ill be using splinters as my example here purely because thats closer to what you're trying to do (movie/musical as reference)

this is going to be long as fuck because i tend to ramble and go into detail, so im adding a read-more. i sincerely hope this helps because i know its a LOT (potential spoilers for splinters included)

1. The Foundation

when i first started working on splinters, it started with a lot of idea bouncing. who would suit what role? why would that role work for them? originally, i had looked at dazai as jd and chuuya as veronica, or dazai as veronica with fyodor as his jd.

then, i also started thinking about story 'beats'. to be clear about what that means, i like to think of different parts/scenes that i need/want to hit, and kind of the order if possible. this usually intertwines with the original story-- in your case, grease.

all this starts falling into the next step:

2. Research

it may not be entirely apparent, but i did (and still do) a FUCK TON of research for splinters. by choosing to have multiple source materials to base your work off (both bsd AND grease), depending on how close/accurate you want to be, you're going to want to get in touch with the material.

you've mentioned grease-- i'm assuming you're doing this based off the movie (love the movie. need to rewatch). what i personally do with heathers the movie is that i watched it the entire way through first to refresh myself with the material. it might help you to take notes about different characters, ideas, plot lines. i found a copy of both scripts online in case i wanted to see about throwing an iconic line in during an important scene without diving through the whole movie to find it.

i dont know HOW historically accurate you want to go with your fic--you may be choosing to explore the concept of grease rather than the actual setting itself-- but grease takes place in the late 50s, TECHNICALLY early 60s (movie itself came out in the late 70s) (my mom LOVED it when it came out). so, you may want to do some basic research: fashions/trends of the time (this has gotten harder to search online, you may want to even run to the library and find some books if possible)? societal norms? what did normal teens do during that time? did they have arcades, did they go to restaurants, what was the average place they hung out at?

a lot of times, i have to double-check if some of the stuff in splinters is period accurate. each decade has different lingo, slang, and general information that was normal during it. hell, looking back at the 2010s versus 2020s, if you were to write a story during, saying, 2011, and have your characters saying "slay" and "yas queen" and "road work ahead, uh yeah i sure hope it does", i regret to inform you that that will NOT be accurate, as those phrases are more late 2010s + that vine came out in 2016. now, could you quote/potentially reference these things? absolutely! but you have to be more strategic about it.

ALSO. look up fun trivia about your source material! you know where i got my title from? its the english translation of the italian name for heathers. im not even kidding. also, mix and match material! hell, even throw references in to other material! i had my mean girls reference in there! because its bsd, i like to throw in authors i like from time to time where they fit!

another silly one: what music came out around that time, playing on the radio? HOW did they listen to music? i specifically listen to a 1989 top hits playlist when im trying to figure out what songs might be playing on the radio while my characters are driving-- and even THEN i still will look up specifically when that song came out, because i made the choice to be horribly specific with my timeline.

on that note:

3. If you can, DON'T SET A SPECIFIC MONTH/DAY/ETC.

i made my choices. do i regret them? YES. is it still fun to work with? absolutely, but also the heathers timeline is lowkey a mess and you could simultaneously claim it takes place in 2 months or several.

honestly, avoid specifics. having to keep track of a timeline is an absolute bitch, and it's going to make your life a lot harder, because then, you HAVE to make sure it all matches up. if i say that kunikida went and got his glasses in march, i cant say that his glasses are brand new in may (this is a hypothetical example).

timelines suck. unless you think you can dedicate the time and energy to keeping with one, don't do it.

4. OUTLINES.

i've been writing fanfics for years, which is wild to me. i was writing fanfics in single digits (didn't even know what fanfics were). one thing that i have especially found useful with splinters is to make outlines for where you want the story to go.

let me break it down for you:

you're gonna have MULTIPLE outlines, and they are NOT set in stone. they are guidelines for you to use so that you're not sitting there going "shit i don't know what to do next". they may be scenes you want to have in the fic. they may be important plot points. they may be absolutely stupid shit that youre like "if i dont get this in here i will cry" (diarrheazai is a threat that i intend to keep)

FIRSTLY. try making a general outline for your whole fic. you don't need super specifics, but think of what events occur during grease. in it, danny and sandy meet in the summer before their senior year. sandy meets and joins the pink ladies. there's a dance competition. danny and sandy fly off in a car into the sunset. etc. TO BE CLEAR, you don't have to keep all the details! it is your story, and what you want to do with it! having that structure can be helpful when you start though.

THEN. once you have that general outline? start trying to plan out chapters. you dont have to make outlines for them all at once. more often than not, i'll sit there before i start a new chapter just trying to outline what'll happen in it. this helps a LOT on multiple levels. i'll provide an example of what that can look like below (SPOILERS IF YOU'RE NOT UP-TO-DATE WITH SPLINTERS):

(the blacked out bit is spoilers, everything else should be clear to see)

a quick explanation: i dedicate a small document to outlines for each chapter. as you can see, with chapter beats, i have diff things i want to try to hit. the stuff highlighted in green is stuff that i come back post-chapter to confirm i hit. sometimes, if it's not EXACTLY in there, i'll leave a note in bold (ex: WAS MENTIONED).

but you can kind of see what im talking about here. i have some things that im trying to knock out per chapter.

other things in my doc to outline:

yes i talk to myself in my notes.

i highlight different scenes according to their relevance to certain characters sometimes; i add scenes in where i need to, and then ofc as you see ill go into detail about specific scenes. and AGAIN these are not set in stone. for example:

as you can see, shit changes over time. that boiler room make-out scene during the homecoming pep rally appeared in ch 11. i did not make this sequence fyodor's pov.

sometimes? i just dont have the time or energy to write shit/dont think its relevant to the plot. good bye, corn maze. you'll be remembered in my thoughts and my outline

also try to have fun while outlining. it doesnt need to be something serious. literally my outlines are a mix of dialogue, scenes, my own thoughts, etc. get silly with it. this is supposed to be fun and enjoyable!

ANOTHER THING:

5. LOOP SOMEONE INTO OBSESSING OVER THIS WITH YOU.

i was inspired by ardeidae to write splinters, and i have successfully trapped them in splinters world for almost an entire year now. by both of us loving it, we can keep ourselves focused on it.

what also helps is bouncing ideas off other people. me and lu have had conversation after conversation after conversation about different plot lines, scenes, etc. sometimes, i don't know what to do and i will ask lu (or other people) for advice about the progression.

you may have also heard of the engineering rubber duck method. if you're unfamiliar, engineers will sit there with a rubber ducky by them and talk to it about what they're working on until they figure out what they need to do. sometimes, just ranting about the fic is enough to help you spawn ideas about what to do next.

OH also

6. If you do end up making a timeline? Have a calendar on hand.

this is no longer 100% accurate to the progression of splinters and the chapters, but it helped a LOT. laying it out like this can make one hell of a difference. im a visual person, so doing this helped. also, can help you keep track of holidays and shit. if you want to give your characters a day off from classes, check a school calendar for holidays. be like "uhhhherrrr yeah they're taking, uhhhh veteran's day off" yk

7. Write, but don't force it.

splinters doesn't have an actual updating schedule because i work on it at my own pace, and update once i finish a chapter. now, i usually finish chapters after a month, but i don't say it updates on x day. don't box yourself in unless you truly think you can handle it. some people are very good about schedules. i am horrible at them, bc ykw? LIFE HAPPENS.

when im in the mood, i write. i will sit for HOURS and just write. grab some snacks, maybe pop on some music, get a buddy to sit with you, but just go for it. sometimes, i'll pull a 25-10 method-- 25 minutes of writing with ten minutes of relaxing and bullshitting--and that helps me not burn out as quickly. but honestly, you cant always brute force it.

have i had to brute force it sometimes? yes. you will get stuck. it naturally happens. sometimes, a scene fucking sucks and you're like "i hate this scene but it HAS to be in there" (if it doesnt fuck that shit. throw it out. blegh) sometimes, you need to mix things up to make it more appealing to you, because i am of the belief that the readers can tell when you're not invested in a scene. if im writing a scene and its going slowly and i just want to get it done? the quality's going to go down, and i KNOW it. so, i evaluate. what do i need to do for this scene to work? can i add something to help? do i need to just rewrite the bastard and call it a day?

and sometimes? you can just go ahead and put a little "<'scene'>" in and move on. depending on how much your fic relies on that scene, that won't always work, but sometimes, you just gotta leave it and come back to it. you can also do that with certain dialogue/details. if you're trying to get your characters from point A to point B, don't shove them there if they run out of gas. make a detour, and see what happens.

eerrrrrrr yeah, i THINK that's the majority of the advice i can give? sorry that that's a lot, but uhhh hope it helps! :')

#wild that people would want advice from me but hopefully itll help #good luck with your fic anon! it seems like fun!

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tnbc-thoughtsandheadcanons · 9 months

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Megan Shepherd's TNBC Novelization: Review

Here are my thoughts and full review on Megan Shepherd's Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas (Novel). Although the book is closely based on the movie, there are a few unique things about it that I deem necessary to hide under a 'Read More', for spoilers to those who wish to avoid them.

Review + my thoughts below!

The book closely follows the movie with descriptives for each scene, except it doesn't contain any of the songs or lyrics, so substitutional dialogue is used instead. Most of these went well to describe/summarize the songs they replaced. I have no complaints with how Megan followed the movie in novel form, it's pretty accurate beyond some...minor things.

One example: Halloween just ended when Jack goes missing and stumbles upon Christmas Town, and when he comes back, he decides to have Halloween Town handle Christmas themselves. It's noteworthy to mention that they manage to do this from only November 1st - December 25th, a timespan of only 2 months. However. In this novel, the timing is changed - and it takes the Town a whole year to manage their own Christmas, and it is stated in the text that they "skipped their first Halloween" in order to do it.

Wouldn't the humans notice something different with Halloween, without the monsters and creatures of the night to scare them? Wouldn't it be kind of lame, and warrant the title of a "bad Halloween"? When Santa Claus and his gifts were missing, the humans nearly brought an end to Christmas. Is Halloween exempt from impacting the humans like this? Wouldn't there be any repercussions? Isn't it the Holiday World's purpose/job to bring the holiday TO the humans??

Anyway!

The text is beautifully written and I loved Megan's portrayal of Jack Skellington's internal struggle and depression, and how Sally related to it. She wrote the two of them wonderfully in the novel and even brought new details into the picture, mentioning Sally had done sewing tasks for him and is the one who recommended putting white stripes on his suit. She also delivered his book of The Scientific Method from the Doctor to him. <3

The novel contains a lot of little details/changes like these. I loved most of them and only had minor issues with a couple choices. One particular recurring mention, that I and other readers have disliked, was the heavy reference and implication to Jack Skellington's death. A few times in the novel, he thinks of his "previous life" and how he died. I share a fandom headcanon that Jack is a special skeleton from a species in Halloween Town itself, rather than him just dying. But this is a personal nitpick and doesn't impact anything, really - it's Megan's choice for his backstory, and I respect that!

Another small nitpick of mine is that I always thought Jack nabbed all the Christmas books from Christmas Town, but in this novel, it says that he got them from Halloween Town's Library. This brings all sorts of confusing questions into my mind...

A couple of my favorite lines from the book:

Also, the MOST interesting part of this novel, for me, is how it follows The Pumpkin King Game's backstory for Oogie Boogie, where he attempted to overthrow Jack Skellington to become Bug King. The novel mentions this a few times, and it's one of my favorite takes of Oogie Boogie - so I was delighted to see canon from my favorite TNBC game implemented into the novel!

Overall, I loved this novelization and the new headcanons it brought to me. It was wonderfully written and stayed close to the movie while also portraying the author's own takes on the characters and their feelings. Beyond my few minor nitpicks, it was great and I can't wait to see what the author will do with Long Live the Pumpkin Queen's sequel.

Check out this novelization if you can!

#the nightmare before christmas #nightmare before christmas #tim burton #disney #henry selick #oogie boogie #jack and sally #jack skellington #jack x sally #tnbc #megan shepherd #novelization #review #spoilers #sally skellington #dr finkelstein

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annesthaeticc · 2 years

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🌹

since i receive a rose, i'm to share an excerpt of one of my many WIP's. it's untitled and i haven't had the muse to continue it, so yeah. it's a medstudent!Stephen Strange fic, btw ;)

His eyes. The very first thing you noticed about him, were his eyes. Glacial. Steely. Closed off from the world. The very window to his soul, shut off, hidden from the world. It was translucent, you could almost see the old and cold library lights reflect in his eyes.

The very first time you ever laid eyes on him was on your second year of medicine. You were browsing in the anatomical sciences section of the medical library, looking for a specific book. You pulled the 14th book in the shelf, hoping it would be the book you were looking for, alas, it was not. You read the cover and skimmed some of the first few pages, thinking if you should just stick to reading it and use it as your reference rather than spend the whole night looking for it.

But something in you clicked; you have the whole night to look for the book. No one’s waiting for you at home and the cold bed wasn’t appealing to you at that moment. A quiet sigh escaped your lips as you pushed back the book into the shelf. You grabbed the next book, but before you could check the title, you saw him.

You saw his eyes.

You saw him through the small space created by the books that left the shelf. You saw him standing across you, separated by the mahogany bookshelf full of anatomical references. It was an exceptionally short moment; it was imprinted in your mind. Maybe it was because of the way he looked at you. Glaringly icy yet enchanting. Steely and safe. As if his stare alone was enough for you to send you screaming for the hills. Nonetheless, you stood your ground, feet planted against the concrete. Frozen in shock, stuck feeling an uncertain emotion.

You snapped back into reality when the empty spade of the other side of the shelf was full again; the book was back. You lightly shook your head, the fear of never seeing him again crept on you, it made you feel uneasy. You were never going to see him again.

The very next day he was your laboratory partner.

“I’m Y/N.” your usual cheery self said. He slowly turned and looked at your proffered hand. He shook it, briefly grasping your small hand into his.

“My name is Stephen.” he said, and your ears suddenly pricked up, surprised to hear how deep his voice was.

It was such a nice feeling to put a name on a face, and for the whole day you were reeling. Silently thanking the gods out there, and the almighty fate himself for giving you a chance to meet him.

The next thing you noticed about him, were his hands. They were long, and elegant. And utterly skilled. You could watch him for hours slice up a cadaver’s skin flawlessly. As if his hands were made for it. He moved so meticulously, so beautifully.

“Did you drink coffee today?” he asked one time during a laboratory session.

“Uh yeah.” you replied with a small smile.

“I’ll give you a tip, Y/N. Don’t drink coffee on the day of your major anatomy exam.” you felt him before you heard his words. He stood close beside you and his hand flew up to your side, lightly touching your forearm, before holding your left hand with his.

“Relax.” he breathed into your ear and you had trouble doing what he said so.

“I’m trying.” you sighed.

“Am I making you more nervous?”

“Kinda…”

“Okay.” he chuckled. Instead of moving away from you, his other hand held your right hand.

His hands were warm, a great contrast to cold lights, tiles and almost morgue-esque environment of your laboratory classroom. You could feel him behind you; the steady pattern of his breathing, the even beating of his heart. You started to relax in his presence, within the close distance between of your bodies.

“Now, let’s get the scalpel.” he said, guiding your shaky hands to grab the said instrument. Scalpel in your hand, Stephen carefully helped you slice the skin of the cadaver, cutting a straight line. He slowly let go of your hand that had stopped shaking in his warm grasp.

“You see? Caffeine makes your heartbeat erratic, quicker blood flow, shaky muscle movement.” he said monotonously.

“I clearly forgot that. I’m functioning on four hours of sleep and coffee seemed to do the trick.”

“I don’t think so.” he smirked at you and leant back against the tiled table.

“Thank you, for whatever you did.” you said and looked up at him, and gave him a smile.

“You’re welcome.”

“Say, do you do that to all your lab partners when they get nervous?” you teased him.

“No. Only you.” he replied, a smile forming on his lips and you saw his dimple. You gaped at him and his smile became full blown, clearly, he was enjoying the banter.

“It was completely experimental, Y/N. Just wondered if it’ll work. Oh, and I wondered what your hands would feel like against mine.”

“You flirt!” you gasped. A laugh bubbled up from your throat and soon, the two of you were laughing.

“You like it anyway.” Stephen replied, and gave you a wink.

You did, and you do.

It was the start of something new, something exciting.

85 notes · View notes

theotherackerman · 8 months

Text

COPYRIGHT DISCLAIMER: Any recognizable elements belong to Attack on Titan, Game of Thrones, House of the Dragon, A Song of Ice and Fire

NOTES: CHECK THOSE TRIGGER WARNINGS! Reminder: Mikasa is grieving. Grief makes you do things you might not do otherwise. I hope this answers a good amount of your questions. Also a reminder that this is not a 1 to 1 on Game of Thrones or House of the Dragon. There will be major things and it does not follow the exact plot. Otherwise, I hope you enjoy all 33 google doc pages!

TRIGGER WARNING: Attempted suicide, war, vague references to trafficking, death on the page

CHAPTER TEN: THE END OF A DECADE BUT THE START OF AN AGE

Not many people thought of dragons as a comfort. Most found them to be terrifying.

The dragons were where Mikasa had received her most comfort.

Meadow had taken to following Mikasa and Kayda on their walks through the garden. The larger dragon flew overhead, keeping his watch.

When Mikasa finally felt strong enough to fly on Kayda again, Meadow had followed them into the sky.

“I have a feeling I know what Keiran’s last command was,” Levi replied one night over dinner.

Mikasa raised an eyebrow.

“Mīsagon tala,” Levi replied.”I would have given Vulcan the same command had I been in his position.”

Protect daughter or defend daughter was the likely translation.

“He should have done it himself,” Mikasa muttered under her breath.

Sasha rested a hand on Mikasa’s shoulder.

The guilt and anger had not left Mikasa.

The information her mother had given her had been useless to her.

Why did she need to know that her mother was a kinslayer?

Yui had readily sacrificed her son, her sister, and her husband.

For what?

To push the Tyburs back?

For how long?

What was to stop them from coming back?

What was she to do with the information her mother gave her?

Information that made little sense.

Her mother hadn’t spent much time with her when she was alive so why should Mikasa care about this woman? Why was she grieving someone who didn’t give enough of a fuck about her to even write her a damn letter after her mother left her here? After years of pushing Mikasa away, this was what her mother left with her. Something about songs and sacrifices. Fire and ice lashing from Mikasa’s body never to be seen again. No matter how many times Mikasa called upon it.

Useless.

Mikasa wished her mother would have left her nothing rather than riddles.

There was this sinking feeling that Yui had unleashed something inside of Mikasa. The blood, the kinslaying, that had been done in Mikasa’s name.

After pushing her food around her plate, Mikasa excused herself from the table.

Food wasn’t sitting right.

She wondered if it ever would again.

It was a few days later when Mikasa found herself alone in the library.

Something had drawn her there.

A book was open on one of the tables.

The Doom of Valyria was the title of the chapter.

A drawing of a volcano erupting took up most of the page.

Mikasa frowned as she began to read.

The Doom of Valyria was an event like no other.

First Valyria broke away from the continent, becoming its own island. Some say the blood magic harassed to allow the dragon riders to tame dragons caused this. In magic, there is give and take.

Few Houses fled from Valyrian due to most writing off a prophetic dream being nothing more than madness.

The Houses that fled from Valyrian ended up in the North of the Seven Kingdoms.

Mikasa turned the page to find out the next page of the book had been ripped out.

There were other Dragon Lord families in the North?

Who were they?

Who had ripped out the page?

Mikasa frowned as she began to flip through the book.

Blood Betrayal

Kinslaying is the worst sin a person can commit.

It derails the very law of nature and leads to grave consequences.

The Amethyst Empress was slew by her own brother, the Bloodstone Emperor. He was jealous of his sister’s crown and decided to take it instead for himself.

This ushered in the Long Night.

While this is not confirmed, one thing is known for sure.

Killing one’s own kin will lead to great and powerful magic that cannot be contained. It will mar one’s soul and should not be done for no other reason that it simply goes against nature. It is held as sacred as Guest Rights. One does not allow someone into their house only to slay them. One does not slay one’s kin.

The magic unleashed will be dark.

And magic will claim what it is owed.

Mikasa slammed the book shut, only to see the cover.

Notes IV:

Yui Azumibito

It took all of Mikasa’s power not to throw the book at the wall.

Why was she even here?

Then again, there wasn’t much she could do.

Sasha was in the forge.

Levi was in meetings with the minor houses.

Annie was helping load supplies to go to the Capitol.

When Mikasa had tried to help, she had been pushed away.

People citing her “illness” as the reason why.

Illness.

Right.

That’s what people had thought had happened to her.

“Mother, what did you do?” Mikasa asked herself as she picked the book up again. She opened the book up to a random page.

Azumbito and Ackerman families both come from old magic.

Though they are not the only ones.

The Jaeger family has strong ties to being skinchangers, specifically Wargs.

Wargs: a skinchanger who can enter the mind of a wolf or a dog.

The Jaeger family is also known to have Greenseers, experiencing prophetic dreams, also known as Greensight.

Only one in one thousand is a Skinchanger.

Only one in one thousand Skinchangers is a Greenseer.

Though it seems in recent years, the number has gone up. It is as if magic is preparing itself for a fight.

I have noticed that most descriptions of Greenseers state that they have bright green eyes.

The Ackerman family also has a history of prophetic dreams. They refer to these dreams as “dragon dreams.”

The original families in the Seven Kingdoms seemed to all have connections to some sort of skinchanging and elemental connection. I do not know what this means as magic has not been present in the Seven Kingdoms since something to do with a Stone Deceiver. Any information on this “Stone Deceiver” cannot be found.

Whatever it was has caused an unnatural balance in the Seven Kingdoms and I wonder how long this can go on until the magic fights back.

“How about you explain to me what you did instead of rambling on? None of this is helpful,” Mikasa said to no one specific as she turned the page.

Bloodmagic

Requires blood

“Oh. I would have never guessed. Bloodmagic requires blood,” Mikasa snorted before reading on.

and sacrifice.

It is considered the darkest of magic, the most powerful.

Azor Ashai plunged his sword into Nissa Nissa’s heart to create Lightbringer and end the Long Night.

The Dragonlords of Valyria used bloodmagic to bind their magic to them.

The Ackermans has a long history of using

The bottom of the page was torn.

Frustrated, Mikasa snatched the book up and stormed out of the library.

She walked straight into Levi’s office, thankfully no one else was in there beside Levi.

With all of her strength, she tossed the book at Levi’s head.

Without even looking, Levi dodged to the side.

“Why did you rip the pages out?” Mikasa demanded.

Levi looked up from his writing. “I didn’t rip any pages out. I don’t even know what you just hurled at my head besides its book.”

“It’s a book of my mother’s notes!”

Levi stood up and picked the book up from the ground. He looked at the cover before flipping through it.

“Oh. This. The pages were ripped out when I found it. I didn’t rip them out. In fact, the pages that would be helpful are the ones missing. If I had to guess, either your mother or Kenny tore them out. Now are you done throwing things?”

“No. I want to know what’s going on.”

“As would I. But apparently anyone who hasn’t had forty names days does not get to know. All I know is an ice sword was found. Tyburs may control the Others. That’s it. I know nothing else. Grisha is very tight-lipped about whatever it is and Kenny is even worse.”

“So am I just to accept the fact that I erupted into ice and fire? Will it happen again?”

“That’s what I went looking for answers for. There’s none.”

Mikasa sat down in the chair in front of Levi’s desk. “I’m tired of not knowing and just being expected to go along with whatever happens. Do you know how exhausting that is? I didn’t have a say in anything in my life. I had to stay here. I had to marry Zeke or Eren. I have to do all of these things for a woman who I don’t even know. A woman who did not care enough about me to tell me what happened to me, why it happened to me. I just have to accept it. Well, I can’t. I can’t sit here and pretend to be a princess anymore. I can’t do nothing anymore. What was I being trained for, if not to fight, to help?”

Levi sat back down in his chair. “I’m not stopping you from fighting. By all means, fly off to war. But know what choice you’re making. It isn’t easy to end someone’s life. It’s not like the tales. You’ll have to make that choice. You are entirely in charge of your life now. Kiyomi’s son has already ascended the throne. You’re not their princess anymore. So you can live with no regrets but make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons. So fly off to war if glory is what you wish. You wouldn’t be the first Ackerman to do so. But do it for the right reasons. If you want to fight for something, maybe you should look at your betrothed.”

Mikasa’s hands curled into fists. “Why? He won’t fight for me.”

Levi reached into his desk and pulled out several pieces of parchment with a wax seal of a wolf on it. “These came today. Kenny dropped these off early this morning during a supply run, they’re from Eren.” He picked them up and held them out to Mikasa. “Looks like a letter for everyday since we sent word to the capitol that you were asleep, I’d say. I was going to give them to you once I was done with this letter.”

Mikasa took the letters from Levi, holding them in her lap. Eren was the last thing she needed to think about. She was already conflicted with feelings about her family. Now she had this. She stood from her chair. “I’m going for a flight on Kayda,” she said as she walked out of the room. She needed to clear her head. There was no room for that on the ground.

—--------------

CLANG!

Sasha was the only one in the forge while others took an afternoon break.

“Is that the sword for Mikasa?” Annie asked as she walked up.

Sasha looked up before nodding. “I’m finishing it now. I want her armed with Valyrian steel. Your daggers and sword are done if you want them.”

“I’ll wait until we all have them,” Annie replied with a shrug.

“Are you worried?”

Annie shrugged again. “I’ve killed before, I know you have as well. War doesn’t scare me.”

“Do you feel like we’re being kept in the dark?”

Annie nodded, “Not by Mikasa. Not on purpose. Everyone else…..I think they still see us as children.”

Sasha nodded in agreement.

Kayda roared as she flew overhead, Mikasa on her back. Meadow flew behind them but did not echo the roar.

“I don’t know if she should be flying so soon,” Sasha remarked.

“You can be the one to tell her that then,” Annie snorted.

“You’re right. I just worry,” Sasha said as she looked to the sky.

“I do too.”

—----------

How much sleep had Hange lately?

When was the last time they slept?

Kenny poked Hange in the shoulder with the end of his pipe as they nodded off during a war update. Hange sat up straighter.

Exhaustion would end up claiming them sooner or later.

—------------------------------------------

“Stop flinching,” Connie told Armin as he stitched up his shoulder.

“Sorry,” Armin muttered.

“You should be wearing armor if no one else is,” Connie said as he began the next stitch.

“I’m not wearing plate while the rest of you are in leather.”

“We’re replaceable.”

“Not to me.”

“Keep saying shit like that, Armin, and we will start to think you’re fond of us,” Reiner snorted from the chair next to him as Bertolt was stitching up Reiner’s back.

“How bad is it?” Armin asked Bertolt.

“It’s not bad. It doesn’t even hurt that bad,” Reiner answered as he chewed on willow bark.

“He’ll live. He shouldn’t see the front lines for a bit,” Bertolt reported. “Neither should Colt.”

“Where is Colt anyway?” Connie asked.

“Passed out in Zeke’s room.”

“We’ll put Colt on night duty to guard Eren. Reiner can guard Zeke. I’m sure Hange will agree,” Armin ordered.

“You’re not taking me off the frontline, Armin,” Reiner hissed.

“You’re lower rank than me, Reiner. I make the calls. I need less dead. Marco, Marcel, Hannah, Ruth, and Thomas.”

“Fine, but I’m not going to be happy about it,” Reiner asked as he pulled his tunic back on.

Armin snorted, “wouldn’t expect anything less.”

—---------------

After dinner, Mikasa had retired to her room, the letters still in the pocket of her dress.

She sat on her bed and pulled them out.

Taking a deep breath, she popped the seal on the first letter.

Mikasa,

I have heard you have fallen ill.

I hope you feel better soon.

-E

Well, that was kind.

She sat it to the side before opening the next letter.

Mikasa,

I hear that in addition to you being sick that you have lost your parents and brother. I offer my most sincere condolences. I cannot imagine what it is like to lose your entire family. Well, I suppose not your entire family. You still have Levi, Kenny, and Kuchel. I suppose soon you’ll have me. If you even want me. I’m sorry for how I’ve been. In my head, pushing you away was easier. Now the capitol is being attacked because of me. Not exactly because of me, I suppose. But things got worse with the Fritz Loyalists once I was crowned. My father will never admit it but I know it’s true. They didn’t care that he had a bastard, they cared that the bastard could be on the throne. Zeke has no interest in having children so I’m most likely to be heir. I don’t want that crown.

That’s the first time I’ve said…well written that.

This is me apologizing for the way I’ve acted towards you. I’m not very good with words. But I did it to protect you from my world.

I’m sorry.

-E

Mikasa sat the letter to the side before opening the next one.

Mikasa,

What was that last letter?

I’m glad I didn’t send it.

I hear you’re sick, they say.

You haven’t woken.

I’m worried.

-E

Mikasa shook her head. He was worried? He could just apologize and think everything was right between them?

He was just like her parents.

Never thinking of her feelings. He was only apologizing because he felt guilty. Not because he realized he had done something wrong. He didn’t care about that apparently. He only cared about his feelings.

She didn’t bother to open the others. She took them and shoved them into her bedside table.

There was so much anger in her right now.

Her parents, Eren, whoever had ripped the pages out of her mother’s book, they all made choices for her. They all wanted what they thought was best but never cared about Mikasa’s feelings.

It was all about them.

She wanted to scream, break things.

She was just so angry.

Fuck them.

Fuck them all.

Her hands tingled.

Looking down, Mikasa saw flames dancing across her knuckles. She frowned and blinked.

The flames were gone.

Had they even been there?

No.

She must just be tired.

—————

The sound of Kayda chewing on a deer was not one Mikasa liked. She looked over at the dragon who was eating the burnt animal.

Shaking her head, Mikasa returned to her mother’s journal.

Sadly, it was things Mikasa already knew.

More tales of the Long Night from other cultures.

Tales of an Ice Dragon who befriended a girl, a story Mikasa had heard from Kuchel many times when Mikasa was younger.

Turning the page, there were only three phrases.

The dragon must have three heads.

The promised heir.

A Song of Ice and Fire.

“Lovely more riddles,” Mikasa muttered as she leaned back against the bench.

Kayda looked up from her deer.

“Don’t suppose you know what the dragon must have three heads, the promised heir, and a song of ice and fire mean, do you?”

The dragon blinked and then went back to eating.

A roar echoed overhead.

The ground shook as Meadow joined them in the garden. He too had gone hunting. If Mikasa had to guess, that was a chard bull from a local farm that the dragon had in his talons.

“Levi is going to have to pay for that,” Mikasa told the dragon as she turned the page.

Meadow made eye contact with her, smoke coming out of his nose.

Mikasa laughed before returning to reading.

Skagos Sygerrik

Stone Deceiver

Rock Liar

Stone Liar

Rock Deceiver

None of this makes sense.

Location?

Spell?

Curse?

Person?

Mikasa looked up, sensing a pair of eyes on her. She looked around, trying to see if there was anyone.

She appeared completely alone besides the dragons.

Kayda lifted her head, also examining the area.

Meadow let out a low growl.

Mikasa closed her book.

Strange feelings were something not to be ignored so Mikasa made the choice to walked back to the castle.

—--------

It had taken some getting used to having a warm body next to Jean all night. It had been going on for almost a fortnight now.

He knew he needed to talk to her, figure out exactly what that meant.

Bells were tolling.

“Fuck,” he heard Pieck muttered. “Get up. We’re being called.”

Jean rolled over to see Pieck pulling on her tunic and pants.

“Get up!” She said as she pulled him to his feet.

His pants were being shoved at him.

“So we’re not going to talk about this then?” he asked as he pulled on his pants.

“War bells, Jean boy. War bells.”

“Fuck,” Jean muttered as he dashed over to his room.

She was right.

—-------------

It was the middle of the night.

They were being attacked in the middle of the night.

The bells pulled Eren from his bed.

“Get back in there,” Colt had hissed at Eren when poked his head out into the hallway.

“What’s going on?”

“If I knew, I’d tell you.”

Eren narrowed his eyes.

No, Colt wouldn’t.

Eren went back into his room, sitting back down on his bed.

Midnight didn’t make a sound. He just sat on his perch, watching, observing.

Fenrir sat on the bed next to Eren on full alert.

Eren would be safe.

—-------------

Seaflames echoed a roar before releasing her flames.

At this rate, Grisha was going to be King of Ashes.

But what choice did he have?

Dina and Carla were getting as many servants into the underground tunnels as possible while Kuchel and Kenny rode their dragons into battle.

The rebels were not in the castle but Grisha wasn’t going to give them that chance. He pulled his sword from his belt and charged into battle with Valkyrja at his side.

He would not sit while others defended his kingdom a moment longer.

They would survive the night, even if he had to kill every person out there himself.

—---------

Smoke was drifting up from the ground and into Mikasa’s bedroom window.

“We’ve been attacked,” Levi announced as he came billowing into Mikasa’s bedroom, already dressed in his leather armor.. “They’ve set fire to several of the minor houses.”

“What do you need from me?” Mikasa asked as she got out of bed.

“Be on standby. Vulcan and I should be able to take care of this. If things get bad, I’ll need you and Kayda. You remember the command?” he asked as he double checked his sword.

Mikasa nodded.

“Good. I’ll return. Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone,” he warned her before he left the room.

Mikasa dressed in her leathers quickly. Sasha and Annie came charging into her room, dressed in their armor.

“What do you need from us?” Annie asked.

“Guard the castle. Keep the servants safe. Sasha, take to the tower. You’ll have a better vantage point from there,” Mikasa commanded as she shoved her daggers into the sheaths on her legs. She fastened her sword inside its scabbard to run along her spine.

“I’ll finish your sword soon,”Sasha noted.

“It’s fine. I’ll be on Kayda. I doubt I’ll need it much anyway. Stay safe,” Mikasa ordered as she left her bedroom.

All three women went their separate ways.

Vulcan could be heard letting out a roar as he fled towards the fire.

The courtyard was chaotic, everyone running which way.

The knights barking out orders.

No one paid any attention as Mikasa ran towards Kayda.

She wondered if Meadow would follow her into battle. She had not tried to command the male dragon, though the thought crossed her mind.

Stopping to figure out where exactly Kayda was, a cold metal blade was against her throat.

“There you are. If you scream, I will kill you. But before I kill you, I will do horrible things to you,” a voice whispered into her ear.

Not thinking, Mikasa ran an elbow into her assailant’s stomach.

The man caught off guard, stumbled.

“I told you the bitch knew how to fight!” another man called out.

She saw there were at least ten men surrounding her.

Pulling her sword from her back, Mikasa stood up straight.

“We can always send her back to the prince in pieces,” the man chuckled.

They were all dressed in royal armor and helmets.

She had heard armor had been stolen from the capitol. This was that armor.

Charging at the one in front of her, Mikasa swiped her sword, knocking that man to the ground. She threw her elbow into the one who rushed at her from the right side. But the one on her left, she missed.

Tumbling to the ground, Mikasa lost hold on her sword. One of the men tried to climb on top of her but Mikasa was faster with the dagger. She ran along where the metal armor spilt above his breeches, cutting his stomach open.

She pushed the body off of her as two men grabbed both of her arms.

She trashed to try and get rid of their hold.

“Skoriot?” the raspy voice echoed in her head just as it had the night she erupted. Where? It asked.

She couldn’t answer as two hands jerked her shoulders. She let out a scream. She kicked but two men grabbed her legs.

“We’ve got her,” the man who had put the knife to her throat replied. He leaned down, running a finger down her face. “Scarred but still pretty. We’ll ransom you to that bastard prince and then we’ll sell you to someone else. You know how much a girl like you goes for? Or maybe I’ll just send you back in pieces.”

The men laughed as Mikasa thrashed again.

“No one’s going to save you,” the man laughed. “Bind her hands and feet. Then we’ll get her out of here. Don’t touch her. No one is to touch here.

The ground shook.

Kayda came charging into the area. Immediately, the dragon grabbed one of the men who held Mikasa’s leg down by his head. Shaking the body, Kayda removed the man’s head from his body.

Mikasa used her other leg to kick the other man who held her other leg. The men holding her shoulders, let go of her and tried to get away.

A dark shadow flew in front of the moon, blocking it.

The green dragon landed, stopping the men from running.

Meadow let out a roar as Kadya circled around to the back of the men.

Mikasa sat on the ground, watching as the two dragons trapped the men.

Meadow looked over Kadya’s shoulder to Mikasa.

Knowing what had to be done, Mikasa said the one word she had hoped she would never have to use in this way.

“Dracarys,” she ordered.

Kayda and Meadow let out a stream of fire while the men screamed in pain.

Mikasa didn’t cower or cover her ears.

She just sat there until it was over.

Once the men were deceased, the two dragons prowled over to her.

Kayda nudged Mikasa with her head, getting under Mikasa’s shoulder, trying to get Mikasa to her feets.

Meadow watched, snorted smoke. Then he blocked her view of the bodies before he also started nudging her.

“Alright. I’ll get to my feet,” Mikasa replied as she stood up.

This was not a conversation she wanted to have with Levi.

—--------

Somehow Eren had drifted off to sleep again and drifted into a dream.

Flying through the sky to reach Mikasa.

The command of dragonfire.

Then Eren was being shaken awake.

Sunlight filtered in from the outside. It was early morning.

“Mikasa was attacked in the North,” Colt reported.

“What?” Eren asked as he threw the covers off. “Is she well? Is she hurt? Should I go there?” In a flurry, Eren began pulling his tunic and breeches on.

“She’s fine. Well, as fine as one can be. I don’t know much. I don’t think I’m supposed to know anything to be fair. Lord Ackerman spoke of it as he was going down the hall. He flew from The North to speak with the King,” Colt informed him. “But she is alive.”

“What’s happening here?”

“The King is speaking to Kuchel. They are discussing what’s to be done. The rebels are in the courtyard. I got moved in here with you to keep you safe. I’m to move you when I receive the command from Armin.”

Eren nodded. Midnight flew down and landed on his shoulder while Fenrir stayed asleep on the bed.

—-------------------------

“I will not be king of ashes, Kuchel!” Grisha roared as he stood from his chair.

Zeke sat in his chair, drinking whatever awful wine that his father kept was. Levi leaned up against the wall while Kenny sat in the chair in front of Grisha’s desk.

“They attacked my House, Grisha! I demand justice. I demand justice in blood,” Kuchel growled as she prowled forward and knocked the chair she had been sitting in over.

“And I demand my people be safe!” Grisha screamed.

“Do it,” Carla said from her seat on one side of Grisha.

Everyone in the room looked towards her.

“What?” Dina asked.

“Do it. Kuchel, go out there and burn every rebel you find. That’s an order from the Queen,” Carla said as she stood.

“What exactly do you think you’re doing?” Grisha asked her.

“Being a Queen. I am tired of watching our son’s friends die. Now Mikasa has been attacked? Because of what? We weren’t married before Eren was born? I’m tired, Grisha.”

“So we just kill anyone who doesn’t agree with us!” Grisha threw his hands up.

“You did it first,” Dina challenged.

“No, I did it because they took you,” Grish said as he turned towards his other wife sitting in a chair.

“And after you won, you got rid of those who didn’t support you. What is the point, Grisha? What do we win? I think he is right. We take our people, we go North. We go home. Let them have the damn capitol. The North can stand on its own.”

Grisha shook his head.

“Is that throne worth it? Is it? Because there are more important things going on. We would be safe in the North. Or we were. Until this happened.”

“They were in your armor. That’s how they got through. No one questioned them,” Levi reported.

“I won’t run. That’s final,” Grisha stated.

“Then you are a fool,” Dina said as she stood.

“They tried to kill Mikasa!” Levi pushed off of the wall and watched towards Grisha. “My heir. Your son’s betrothed. The only reason the Ten Kingdoms will not break their trade and support is because of her. The dragons burnt the attackers. They died screaming. I don’t feel a bit sorry for them.”

“It’s gone too far, Grisha,” Kenny reported.

“I think you’re forgetting your place,” Grisha stood straighter.

Zeke ripped the crown off of his father’s head and tossed it across the room.

Everyone fell still.

Grisha started at Zeke.

“Eren doesn’t want the throne. I do not want the throne. I do not care about some fucking chair made from dragon fire and swords. They’ve attacked the North. The North. No one has been stupid enough to do that. They’re getting bold. And now we will all suffer because you let your pride take control,” Zeke stared at his father down.

“There is more going on than you could ever understand,” Grisha replied.

“You could try explaining it to me instead of keeping me in the dark! I’m your heir and half the time, you act like I do not exist. I never wanted this! I never wanted to be a prince, to be paraded around to different women for a political alliance. I told you Eren should have married Mikasa once we were in the North. I told you neither of us had any desire to take the throne. But you did not listen. You never listen! You know I envy Levi because a dead father is better than one who is a king. I don’t have a father, I have that fucking crown.” Zeke stormed out of the room, slamming the down behind him.

The wall shook.

No one moved.

No one said anything.

Time passed slowly as everyone was frozen in time.

“Kuchel, do what you need to,” Dina spoke.

Kuchel nodded before she left the room.

“I’ll go check on our son,” Dina dismissed herself from the room.

Carla looked at Grisha before following Dina out.

“I’ll go out to the front lines. I’ll help Hange. See if there’s anyone with information that they want me to extract,” Levi left the room without another word.

Kenny looked at Grisha.

Grisha looked at Kenny.

“Why did you put me on this fucking throne?” Grisha asked as he collapsed into the chair, rubbing his temples.

“I wasn’t going to take the fucking thing. You can’t continue to be soft of these people,” Kenny said as he pulled his pipe out of his pocket.

“So I am to be a king of ashes.”

“I’m not saying go burn the whole capitol to a crisp. I’m not talking about the elderly, the children, or the innocent. I’m talking about those who continue to try and kill us. I know you want to give them mercy but you’ve given enough. Now it’s affecting my house, my family. I can’t allow that, Grisha. You know that. They could have done a lot worse to Mikasa. They almost did.”

Grisha sat forward, ran his hands through his hair. “I know.”

“No one said the crown was a light thing to wear.”

Grisha nodded. “Do what you need to.”

Kenny nodded before leaving.

—-----------------------------

Eren ended up falling back asleep again.

He was somewhere in black abyss.

“Dohaerās,” a raspy voice called.

“Dohaerās,” the same voice repeated.

“Dohaerās.” It echoed again.

“Dohaerās.” And Again.

“Dohaerās.” And again

“Dohaerās.” and again.

“Zaldrīzes rȳbus, lo mērī udrirzi Valyrio eglio ȳdrassua,” the voice said.

“Dohaerās.”

Then Eren was shaken awake again.

“You speak Valyrian?” Zeke asked him as he stood over him.

“What?” Eren asked as he sat up.

“Valyrian. You were speaking it. What were you dreaming about?” Zeke asked as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“I….I don’t remember. What was I saying?” Eren ran a hand through his hair.

“Something with a D. The only Valyrian word I know is dracarys because that’s what the Ackermans shout before the dragon’s release their fire. It wasn’t that.”

“What are you doing in my room anyway? I thought father was keeping us separate.”

“Nice to see you too, little brother. We’re safe for now. Kuchel, Kenny, and Levi are out there.”

“Is Mikasa here?”

Zeke shook his head. “She’s very….she was attacked.”

“I know. Colt overheard Levi and came to tell me. I have fallen asleep twice since then. I haven’t been sleeping well. Even when I do sleep, it doesn’t feel like I’ve rested.”

“They’re dead. Her attackers. Kayda and her father’s dragon took care of them.”

“That’s good. Because I would have killed them myself.”

“I don’t doubt that. I’m thinking…I’m thinking of asking father to send us North. We take our friends. I just…I don’t want to be here anymore. I can do more in the North. Hell, I’ll guard Mikasa myself.”

“I don’t know if she’ll want to see me.” Eren looked down.

It was his own doing. He knew that. Even if she did get his letters, there was no guaranteeing that she would forgive him.

“She will. Maybe you should do something for her.”

“I wrote her letters.”

“But did you really do that for her or for yourself?”

“Fine, what should I do then?”

“I don’t know,” Zeke shrugged.

“A lot of help you are.”

“Though I do know of someone we could ask,” Zeke grinned.

—-----------------

The dragons were taking care of the capitol.

Pieck was exhausted.

She had a new wound on her shoulder that Jean was stitching up when Zeke bursted into her room.

Zeke gave her a knowing look.

“You might knock,” Pieck scoffed. “I’ve got my tits out and your brother is redder than a rooster.”

Eren was looking at the floor avoiding eye contact.

“I’m almost done,” Jean said as he stabbed the needle through her flesh.

“And how much have you had to drink?” Zeke asked.

“Not that much,” Pieck muttered as she looked down.

“She’s good at getting stitches,” Jean replied.

“Should I be here? I feel like I shouldn’t be here. Being betrothed and all,” Eren said as he turned his back facing Pieck.

“Pieck doesn’t count. She’s practically family,” Zeke said. “I have a question for you.”

“Yes, I’ve been sleeping with Jean. Well, sometimes sleeping,” Pieck answered with a shrug.

“Stop moving,” Jean commented.

“What?” Eren asked as he still faced the door.

“Not the first question I was going to ask but….” Zeke trailed off.

“Fine. What is it?” Pieck asked.

“What can Eren do to make up for what he’s done to Mikasa?”

“Oh I am the wrong person to ask for that.”

“Why? You're a woman. You know things.”

“Glad you noticed!”

“You know what I mean.”

“And what I mean is every girl is different. What would be meaningful to me, might not be meaningful to Mikasa. If you truly want to make things up to her, do something for her. Something from your heart.”

“I’m done,” Jean said as he cut the thread from the needle.

Pieck pulled her tunic on. “It’s safe to look, Eren. I’m all covered now.”

Eren turned around. “I don’t know what to do. Zeke gave me the same advice. I…”

“Learn Valyrian,” Jean said as he put the needle on Pieck’s bedside table.

“What?”

“Valyrian. Mikasa speaks Valyrian. Her whole family does. Surprise her. Learn a few phrases. It’s what I would do.”

Eren narrowed his eyes at Jean. “Do you speak Valyrian?”

Jean scoffed before answering, “kessa.”

“I don’t know what it means.”

“It means yes but not a lot. I only know what little basics I picked up from Hange. I know yes, no, hello, and goodbye. I was hoping to impress the Princess with them. I don’t need to anymore.”

“So I’m taking your shitty idea?”

“I’m just trying to help you. If you don’t want it, fine. But that’s what I would do.”

“I don’t know what to do!”

“Well figure it out!”

“What my brother means is that is a wonderful idea and he’ll keep that in mind,” Zeke said as he steered Eren towards the door. “You and I will talk later,” he smirked at Pieck as the princes exited the room.

“He’s going to be insufferable now,” Pieck groaned as she sat down on her bed.

“Why?” Jean asked as he sat down next to her.

“Because he’s been saying I have feelings for you.”

“Do you care that he knows?”

Pieck shrugged, “not anymore. I…I….we could die tomorrow. I don’t want to live with regrets.”

Jean nodded. “So you want me to go then?”

“I thought you were supposed to be smart. No, I’m telling you, I don’t regret this. I don’t know what we’re doing. If it’s courting or something else, but I like being around you. Have you have my back. When Marcel died….” Pieck closed her eyes.

Jean pulled her to him. “I know.”

“And you lost Marco…”

Jean closed his eyes.

“And I don’t know who will be next. I don’t want to lose anyone else.”

Jean nodded as he just held her.

——————

The dragon egg mocked Mikasa.

The damn thing had never hatched.

It had been inside of Meadow’s saddle that he finally allowed Mikasa to take off.

So now the egg sat on her bedside table.

She had been told her brother had carried it with him everywhere.

Yet on that night, she had not seen him with it.

“Why didn’t you hatch?” She asked the egg like it would answer.

The egg remained still and unmoving.

Useless.

Like everything else her parents had sent her.

—————

“Send the boys to the North. We’ll compromise,” Kenny said as he released a puff of smoke.

“My wives talked you into asking me that,” Grisha noted.

“They didn’t say anything to me. I’m saying what makes sense. We send your boys to the North. Levi can watch them from above when they make the trip. They get to the North where they’ll be safe. That way if things go to shit here and you do decide to run, I only have three wolves and three people to worry about instead of five people and five wolves.”

“And what will my people think?”

“They’ll think you’re helping to support your son’s future marriage. He’s getting to know his future wife, his brother is his chaperon. You were sent to stay with us for a time.”

“I remember. If I do, I want all their friends sent with them. A full guard detail.”

Kenny nodded, “most of them are Northerns anyway. Do you think your wives will agree?”

Grisha considered it for a moment. “I think they’ll see it for what it truly is. No matter what we tell anyone else.”

“Kuchel and I will remain here for as long as we need to, you know.”

Grisha nodded.

—----------------------

Screams came from the dungeon.

“Who sent you?” Hange asked the man chained to the board in the dungeon.

“I’ll never tell you,” the man replied before he spat blood onto the floor.

“I see your interrogation is going well,” Levi said as he leaned in the doorway.

“His name is Duran. That’s all I’ve got from him. Thank you for procuring him for me,” Hange said as they picked up the knife.

“You should thank Vulcan. He grabbed him. How did those talons feel?” Levi asked as he entered the room.

“Fuck you,” Duran spat blood in Hange’s face.

Levi stormed in and grabbed Duran by the throat. “I say we just give him to Vulcan to eat.”

Hange grabbed a rag and wiped the blood from their face. “Hear that Duran? We’ll feed you to the dragons.”

“I don’t care. No matter what you do to me, the real ruler of the Seven Kingdoms will come and sit on the throne. House Fritz will be restored to its former glory.”

“Dragon?” Levi asked again as his grip tightened on Duran’s neck.

Hange nodded.

—---------------------

Seeing Vulcan up close, Hange controlled themself.

The dragon was massive, not quite as massive as Seaflames. Only slightly smaller than Blaze but he was a beast.

The dragon nipped at passers by who paid him too much attention. Hange had heard the dragon liked to bite.

The dragon’s eyes locked on Hange who was unabashedly staring at him.

“You're a beautiful dragon, aren’t you?” Hange spoke.

Vulcan’s chest puffed up.

“You keep talking to him like that it’ll go to his head,” Levi muttered as he waved the dragon closer.

“He can’t understand me. Zaldrīzes rȳbus, lo mērī udrirzi Valyrio eglio ȳdrassua.”

Levi scoffed, “yes. A dragon only listens when you speak in Valyrian meaning he only listens to commands in Valyrian. It doesn’t mean he only understands Valyrian. Trust me, that dragon understands Common just fine.”

“Where does his name come from?” Hange asked as the dragon stood in front of them.

“An old, old language that no longer exists. We only have some remnants in our books from Valyria. Vulcan was a god of fire.”

“And Kayda?”

“A less common language in the Ten Kingdoms. It means little dragon. Erwin mentioned you were interested in dragons,” Levi adjusted Vulcan’s saddle.

“I’m interested in anything to do with magic. I find it fanasting. The whole kingdom was built on magic. Then suddenly it was gone. No one who lives now understands how and why. Yet the Ackerman family still has their ties to their dragons, the Jaegers to their wolves. The rest of us are left without any magic at all.”

“If I told you something in confidence, would you have to tell the King?” Levi asked as he began to walk towards the dragon pit.

Hange cocked their head to the side before following him. “Would it put the King in harm’s way?”

“Not at all.”

“Would this be something you’d normally ask Erwin about?”

Levi nodded.

“Then you could ask me.”

Levi nodded as he continued to walk towards the Dragon Pit.

Hange tried to rack their mind for what Levi could possibly want to ask them about. Clearly, it was related to magic. Did Levi know more about magic than he let on? Possibly. Then again, if he needed to ask Erwin or Hange about it, then maybe he didn’t.

Perhaps Levi was just as clueless about certain things as Hange was. No amount of research had brought Hange any closer to knowing why magic was suddenly gone.

Once inside the dragonpit, Levi turned and faced Hange.

“I tell you this in confidence because you were Erwin’s…..I feel as if there is no one else I can ask this too. My cousin, Mikasa, erupted with such power, magic power I’ve never seen. There were flames, ice. They just shot out of her body. She didn’t burn. Then she was….asleep for weeks. I didn’t know if she was ever going to wake again.”

Magic.

Mikasa had magic.

It wasn’t dead.

There was some way Mikasa had been able to generate magic.

“Well, say something,” Levi commanded.

“I’m sorry. I’m a bit….the fire isn’t surprising. But ice? I’ve never heard of an Ackerman with ice magic,” Hange said as they put their hand on their chin.

“Why is fire not surprising?” Levi asked as he crossed his arms across his chest.

“Well, the Ackermans in the past were known for their blood and fire magic. I assumed you knew that. The only time I’ve heard of fire and ice together is the song of ice and fire. Or in other words, The Long Night. The heir to save us all will defeat the Others. Perhaps, the heir who saves us not only has power of fire but also ice. There’s an interesting thought….”

Levi looked over to Vulcan while Hange continued to ramble about the Others.

—---------------------------------

BA-DUM

Was it drums or Mikasa’s own heartbeat?

She couldn’t sleep.

She saw those who had attacked her.

She saw her mother killing her aunt, her brother.

Over and over.

BA-DUM

Nightmares.

Over and over.

When would it end?

Did her mother not realize how much her actions would hurt Mikasa? How much guilt Mikasa would carry around?

And those men?

Why had they attacked her?

Simply because she had been engaged to Eren.

BA-DUM

She was to blame for her soon to be husband’s birth now it seemed.

Now she slept in a tunic and breeches because she feared the men would come back.

Annie and Sasha had wanted to spend time with her today.

Wanted to sleep in this bed, keep her company.

She had pushed them all away.

Ordered them to stay away.

They could not deny an order from her.

Instead, Mikasa spent time with the dragons and reading.

She spent time allowing the anger inside her to grow and grow and grow.

Until she was nothing but anger.

BA-DUM

The egg was mocking her.

A reminder that her brother could never be a dragon.

He had been given such a small, easy task.

Be there and let your egg hatch.

But the egg did not hatch because her brother was not a dragon.

Her brother was a peacock, preening for their aunt’s approval, their mother and father’s attention.

He was the perfect heir.

Seen.

Not heard.

He was a child and somehow, he still was a better heir than Mikasa.

Of course he was! He was raised there! He was wanted.

Their parents had just left her here.

There was no part of Mikasa beside her mother’s blood that made her a member of the Ten Kingdoms.

She was too wild, too strong.

BA-DUM

Snatching the dragon egg from the bedside table, Mikasa went out into the night.

Kayda was waiting for her by the backdoor.

Mikasa didn’t think about how the dragon knew exactly where she was, where she was coming.

BA-DUM

Rage was building in Mikasa’s veins.

Fire.

She could feel it burning.

Meadow had found them.

Flanking either side of her, Mikasa and the two dragons made their way to where Mikasa had first erupted with power.

The dragon egg glowed.

BA-DUM

Placing the dragon egg on the scorch marks, Mikasa looked at Kayda and Meadow.

She would destroy the last link to her parents, her aunt, her brother.

Mikasa sat down next to the egg.

The egg glowed brighter as Mikasa felt the flames licking at her hands.

Fire danced around her knuckles.

She was the problem.

She was the reason that the fire had been set, displacing so many.

Some part of her knew that she was the cause of her parents death.

“Dracarys,”Mikasa told the dragons.

Neither did anything.

“DRACARYS!” She screamed but the dragons did not respond.

“DRACARYS!” She yelled again.

But the dragons did not obey her.

The flames on her body grew. In addition to dancing on the knuckles of her hands, flames danced around her bare feet, slowly making their way up to her ankles.

“DRACARYS!”

Her throat was getting sore.

Sobs escaped her body.

BA-DUM

Falling to her side, Mikasa continued to sob.

Why?

Why was she the way she was?

How?

How was she supposed to continue on this way?

The dragon egg continued to glow.

BA-DUM

Reaching out, Mikasa grabbed the egg. She curled her body around it.

Flames still danced on her hands.

It wouldn’t harm the egg.

She knew that much.

BA-DUM

So she lay then and sobbed.

Flames danced along her hands and feet.

BA-DUM

CRACK!

SNAP!

CREEK!

The flames on her hands and feet died.

Mikasa felt drained but her eyes snapped to the egg in her arms.

The egg.

It was hatching.

Mikasa watched as the egg continued to break as she sat it down.

Emerging from the egg, the baby dragon let out a screech.

“Se zaldrīzes ēdruta emagon hāre bartos,” the raspy voice said.

The dragon must have three heads.

#wmmtb #my writing #mine

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anxiouslyfred · 1 year

Text

Stranger in This World

This is my gift for @under-the-blue-moonlight as part of the gift exchange arranged by @sanderssidesgiftxchange

Thank you to @8beez for beta reading this

Summary: Logan took some time to figure out he's trans and couldn't transition at all until he moves to college. Once he's there he finds there's still more to figure out about himself and the world while Patton meets him and decided they're going to be friends

Warnings: transphobic parents

This is all in one part but if it’s easier for you to read in chapters they are separated on AO3 here. either way I’ve left the separate chapter titles in on here.

/\/\

Stranger In This World

Logan was learning about himself and how he views who he is, how being spoken to as female felt wrong and just shook it off since he's always felt that way.

The librarian stepped out from the reception desk, gesturing for Logan to follow as he said, “Well, right away, Miss. I know just the book you mean.”

Logan held back his shudder, coaching himself not to react or question why the gender that had been given to him felt so uncomfortable.

Instead he nodded, looking over the shelves as he followed the school librarian. “I hope so, otherwise I'll have to ask the city library to order it in for me.” He stated.

“Here it is, although it does seem a rather macabre subject for a young girl like yourself.” The man stated, pulling a book from the shelf he'd led them too.

“Biology does not cease to exist after a person dies, nor, I assume, does the importance of what was learnt from them before stricter guidelines were put in place for scientists studying our bodies.” Logan nodded resolutely, taking the book and turning to the check out desk before something more could be said. His thoughts were just as much wondering if restrictive gender titles and treatment continued after death as well. Hopefully learning about the decomposing body would sufficiently remove those thoughts from his mind.

When stargazing, Logan was able to identify all of the constellations but could not understand the people on his own planet. It was one of the few studies that he’d refer to as a hobby rather than simply a way to learn more about the world.

The stars were simple. They had movements that Logan could track and map and fixed positions in the sky thanks to their distance from Earth. Logan could understand them.

He spent his evenings, after finding other subjects dull, out in the garden, laying down to stargaze in comfort; or watching from his window seat when his father decided it was too cold to let his daughter outside. How that was intended to protect Logan from the dangers of cold was bizarre given that when it was of similar temperatures in the day he'd still be sent to school in multiple layers, and that it would get just as dark at night during the summer as the winter and fall. The combination of cold and dark did not seem sufficient for him to need protection from it at all.

Logan didn’t feel completely alone however. His mother attempted to be there for him, and they’d spend time together discussing the feelings of alienation he experienced and hoping for some support.

“When are you going to invite some of your friends over, Sweetie?” Logan's mother sounds coaxing, as if she expected this version of the question to have Logan suddenly rattling off names of his friends and why their homes are better or the reasons they haven't come over before.

He gave her a flat look, attempting to raise one eyebrow as novels described expressing disdain or confusion over an undesired question. “Which friends might those be, Mother? I've told you before that I don't understand people and they don't like me in return.”

“Alison, I'm sure you have at least a few friends. Why, when I was your age, I had 3 other girls that I was inseparable from.” She smiles, leaning back as if her memories relax her.

“Most of them decide I'm too bizarre when I explain that the biology books I am studying currently are an attempt to understand just why my own body feels so uncomfortable. The rest decide they'll find better friends elsewhere if I ask them about disliking the ways we are addressed and how it so often seems titles are only used to talk down to those of the female sex.” Logan explained succinctly, partially hoping his mother would understand his feelings and partially aiming to escape this attempt to encourage him to socialise as rapidly as possible.

School was often difficult, not because of the lessons, but because of how people interact, what they expect him to want to discuss or how they assume he'll play when none of it actually interests him and their perceptions of him feel like strangers, especially should they be mentioned in conversation.

In a science class one of his male classmates glared at him when they were paired together for the science project. “I'm not doing something on flowers. We're dissecting the frog and you can deal with the gore.” Jake grumbled, speaking before Logan could and interrupting his attempt to ask which of the 3 tasks Jake wanted to do.

Logan raised his eyebrows. “Considering this is a team project and your grades are the lowest between the two of us, I'd think taking my preferences into consideration would do you well. After all, our teacher is very willing to call out and separately grade team projects should Mrs Fletcher realise the amount of effort put in is uneven.” He stated.

“Like some nerd girl is going to throw away her grade just because she didn't get a say,” Jake scoffed. “We're cutting a frog up and you can deal with it. I'm not going to pander to some squeamish squealing.”

“So instead of being reasonable and asking my views, you are simply stereotyping and casting judgements with zero evidence or grounding in reality? I'm beginning to understand why you are so close to failing the majority of our science classes.” Logan straightened his glasses. “Very well, however. I'll inform Mrs Fletcher we'll do the dissection, although I must inform you that the project descriptions do not include details of what we will be dissecting.”

The teacher looked up at his approach, smiling. “So Alison, have you and Jake decided on your project already?”

“Jake is rather insistent that we do the dissection and microscope study. I've decided it's not worth the argument to investigate the beehive workings.” Logan agreed. “Would I be able to have the details of those projects in order to attempt on my own as personal studies?”

Mrs Fletcher pulled two sheets out of the piles to give to him. “Such is the mindset of many men.” She commiserated, as if there was nothing to be done for the reaction beyond just keeping the peace. Despite having just taken the path of least resistance for the project, Logan disagreed that there was nothing to be done, especially for teachers who noticeably held power over their students.

Hearing the lies everyone said, about the teenage years being the best years of a person’s life, or the intelligence of the men with money or power, made Logan’s blood run cold, metaphorically speaking. He looked at those people denying science and arguing that they must be right because of their standing and worried over science getting slowly destroyed by them all.

The books he read were safe, and non-fiction or fiction, they were teaching him more and more about the world. Logan felt enchanted by these stories of people so different from himself and tried to imagine what the man inventing the lightbulb would have felt, how the woman who first flew around the Earth might have felt, and just what surgeons must go through each time someone trusts their life in their hands. He explored the true lives of people in their biographies and understood more of the fictional tales as he learnt to read about what the story was meant to convey beyond the fantastical elements of it.

The world was a harsh place to Logan where he knew none of his choices would be taken into consideration when his parents discussed the life he was studying for. He was just certain that he wouldn't turn his back on it in favour of books forever though. It was why Logan applied to all the colleges that he had done.

His mother offered ideas that would keep Logan as her little girl but allow him some self exploration. She'd accept that Logan doesn't fit in, nor want to fit in at school or with the other children she assumed were his friends, but dismissed entirely any thought that he could be male. That isn't how genders or sex works in her mind and a simple feeling is completely bewildering to her.

“You know, after what you said the other week, I've been wondering if we should arrange a hair cut for you. Perhaps you can find a short style that would be more comfortable for you. A bob perhaps.” His mother suggested while Logan was in the kitchen one afternoon, finishing the homework he'd received.

He looked over at her, a slightly confused smile already forced onto his face. “We spoke about how I feel different to the other kids at school and that I don't fit in with them. How will a new hairstyle help that?”

“It's self-exploration, Honey. You know how many styles I went through in my teenage years, yet you seem insistent on barely even getting out of your school uniform if you can help it. Let's try getting you a new look.” She coaxed, bringing one of the photo albums from her school years over. “I'm sure you'd be making friends if you were comfortable in what you look like.”

He gave her a flat glare but recognised the determination in her expression. “So if I said I wanted to try picking out clothes from the mens section?” He let the sentence hang, waiting for her reaction.

“That sounds like the rebellion I was expecting you to go for. You've always had that tomboy energy about you, my lovely daughter.” His mother probably didn't realise she'd emphasised the last word but Logan saw what she was really saying, that he would always be female to her, no matter what he wore.

Logan retreated from his schoolmates as much as possible, essentially living in or just outside the library for every breaktime at his school. It meant the things that interested him were soon things he knew everything available to him about and with computer access that includes the scientific studies of gender and transgender affirming surgeries.

He learnt who he was more because he researched and read personal descriptions of how other people have felt while exploring their personal identities even though he does follow some of his mothers ideas.

“Well I wasn't expecting you to go quite that short, but I'm sure I can calm your father down if he's upset by your self-exploration.” Logan simply smirked at his mother, having bit his tongue on his true reaction to his hair cut once she'd returned. His hairdresser knew how much he felt like himself with this short hair now and that was plenty.

Instead he nodded at her, “Yes, it's definitely going to take a while to adjust for all of us. Are you still okay with the shopping spree you suggested to expand my wardrobe?”

“Of course, although we must get at least one nice dress. Your prom is this year and there are doubtless going to be other parties you'll need to dress up for.” His mother rattled off. “Don't worry, I know you want to look in the mens department but we can do that after you've picked a few things out, I'm sure.”

Logan rolled his eyes, silently thankful she'd turned away from him now. He already knew what outfits he'd prefer to wear and was hoping that he could convince his mother to allow them, even if that meant getting a few skirts to appease her first.

Safe in the City

Logan’s mother had been asking about a boy from school. She'd suggested that he both liked Logan and would make a good boyfriend and somehow that had been enough to break the resolve he'd had.

Ever since realising his body was all wrong, he'd made plans to get out, to escape this small town for somewhere that he could transition and still study the sciences that fascinated him. He'd thrown the acceptance letter for the college he'd chosen at her, saying that he'd be leaving long before anything could happen with any boys around their town.

His father argued, stating his little girl would never do that. “You are my daughter. I’ve known you since the hour you were born, and you were planning to stay close for college. You told me you were intending to remain local.”

“No Father! You told me that! As a matter of fact, you declared when the college application process was first spoken about that I’d have to remain at home so you wouldn’t have to trust your princess in dorms around wild college boys.” Logan immediately countered. “I never agreed to that and if you want a list of how many colleges I chose to apply to and just how distant they are from here, I can provide that for you. The closest is three states away.”

The argument only got worse from there, everything from the major mentioned on his college acceptance letter to the attached form for dorms Logan had forgotten he’d already filled out showing he’d stated a preference for mixed-gender dorms. Anything that his father didn’t like was being insulted and rejected as something their daughter would willingly do.

Things said in anger got to the point where Logan insisted on his parents telling him what they think is on his mind intending to tear it all down with logic, reasoning and honesty. He’d actually walked away after insisting on that instead of waiting for a reply, so he was surprised to find 2 pages next to his plate at dinner that night.

His father’s read: Alison Sanders is my lovely daughter, a princess well studied in the sciences and a fan of all forms of literature. She’s intelligent enough to understand a good marriage to a decent family is the best way to build herself a comfortable life even if whatever friends of hers have her convinced that rebellion and self-interest for her independence are more important than making connections currently. She’ll go to the local college and see in a few months that this is all for the best.

His mother’s was kinder: Alison is my daughter, fiercely independent and facing issues that I can’t understand very well but am sure she’s investigated and researched until knowing the best thing for her. She’s a sweet lonely child who has always valued her own independence and I worry over what dangers that independence might bring to her life.

Logan decided not to begin the argument again after reading the two pages, instead he would write out a description of himself, only editing it enough to continue referring to himself as female. His father’s anger over choosing a college that wasn’t agreed had been enough to prevent him from trusting them to react well to Logan being transgender.

He didn't know himself and after all the things he'd learnt is beyond aware that the way he is is too uncomfortable for him, but trying to learn what makes him feel like himself would remain a quiet goal, not pursued but to remain aware of.

One thing he has been sure about for months is that having breasts is not for him and he's gone from wearing sports bras to a sneakily ordered binder to feel better in his body. His mother thinks it's just a more scientifically fashioned bra after she asked about it.

Logan just stated that their views of his life are wrong and how empty they appear to him. He basically tore up everything they are claiming will fulfil him point by point one evening, and that had been what finally made them let him leave home. There's a week of separate arguments where he's asking to be supported and allowed to go but instead just gets more instruction and orders on how to be the perfect girl his father thought they were raising and their support of his college aspirations shrunk until it's just the savings account he'd arranged for himself he has to support himself in the move.

The note he left on the table before leaving home for college read: Your daughter Alison is her own person. She is a scientist and will build her profession researching the wonders of space and nature. If a romance happens to occur in her life then it will be on her own terms, and in no way will it focus on getting anything other than companionship and understanding from another person.

Pretty Lies

In the city, Logan finds himself fascinated by the people. He’ll find himself studying in cafes and parks just watching them all.There’s so much more life in the city away from the town he’d grown up in, and somehow wherever Logan decided to study there was someone interesting to wonder about, or a group of friends he now actually wondered what it might be like to be a part of.

He's still looking up at the stars and yearning for the intergalactic knowledge of astronomy but also now learning how other people act together and in the city he's less likely to meet people he makes social errors with a second time.

Then he turns too quickly with a coffee he’d just brought and sees it splatter over the top of a boy in front of him. “I’m sorry. Are you okay? This was just made. Let me grab a few napkins.” The words tumble from Logan’s lips as he’s startled to realise what had happened. Thankfully the kiosk in the park did have napkins and the tender was already handing them over.

“I’m fine, Kiddo. It was an accident.We’re all good here.” The boy still took the napkins, wiping at his top, but grinning through his glasses at Logan. “What’s your name anyway? You’ve been studying by that tree the entire time I’ve been walking here.”

“Logan.” He blinks a little as the name left his lips. He hadn’t introduced himself by that name before, but it had become his own name at least in his mind since he’d settled on it for his new name.

“I’m Patton, are you studying at the college?” Patton’s grin must have been making his cheeks ache from how wide it was, but Logan didn’t think it was fake.

Logan blinks again, straightening his glasses and turning away. “Yes, I am. Excuse me, I need to return to my homework. Apologies again for spilling my coffee over you.” He wasn’t prepared for conversation so took the ready excuse, silently pleased when it wasn’t challenged and he could return to his books. There is no urgency for coursework to be done when it is still the first week of term.

He meets Patton again, away from the park they'd originally met in and this time his sharp words and comments don't get the boy to leave him alone. They encounter each other in a lecture hall, Patton calling his name out and jogging over.

“I thought I recognised you. Is this your first year as well, or have you got to take this to make up some credits?” Patton asks, following as Logan files into one of the rows of seats.

Logan straightens his glasses, glancing to the front in the hopes the lecturer would have arrived. “It’s my first year, but I’m quite resolved on having a science major so this will be a requirement undoubtedly.”

“Cool. I’m holding off on declaring my major for a while, but I’ll probably do something that’ll lead to a caring role, or maybe cooking.” Patton cheerfully replies, thankfully focusing on the lecture when the lecturer started class.

Logan was feeling like the t-shirts and jeans are just another uniform he hates already. He’d chosen them after he'd decided they were what all the boys around him wore but found himself fidgeting in his seat at the loose fabric. As much as he’d like to change his wardrobe again, Logan had no idea if he could start wearing suits or something else, especially on his budget.

Patton had been glancing over at him throughout the lecture, brow furrowing occasionally. “Hey Logan?” He asks once the lecture is over, pausing the other from getting up to leave. “You’ve seemed uncomfortable in your clothes today. Are you allergic to the fabric or your detergent? One of my cousins has that issue.”

“It’s not an allergy and who are you to know what I’m comfortable in.” Logan snaps, just wanting to get away from someone he didn’t know asking intrusive questions.

“I might not know you well, but I do know people fidget more when they’re uncomfortable and I’ve seen you studying around enough it can’t be discomfort for being in the lecture.” Patton’s words are still quiet, coaxing Logan to remain and talk.

Logan shrugs one shoulder at that, half disguising the action by picking his bag up. “I suppose you are right, but I’ve spent my entire life in uniforms to fit into society. I shall adjust to this one just like those.”

“Why can’t you dress the way you want to?” The question made him think, an assessing gaze scanning over Patton’s smile.

“Why are you so concerned about it? I’m merely a stranger to you, a classmate apparently.” Logan had to ask, glaring slightly.

Patton stands now, realising the lecture hall is empty now. “I’d like to be your friend. Can’t manage that if I don’t talk to you. Besides, if you want to try finding something you like to wear, charity shops and thrift stores are at least a fairly cheap place to begin.”

“I - I think that would be acceptable.” Logan stutters his words in the moment of his confusion. “I’ll let you know if I do manage to budget a trip to explore the city's thrift stores.”

Logan doesn’t view that as the start of the friendship, but it’s comforting to know there is someone who wants to get to know him.

Logan stops feeling like the smartest person around after a few classes where he learns from other students as much as his lecturers.

“Of course Freud's observations were influenced by the people employing him and an aversion to displeasing them for fears his funding would be removed. Therefore we can’t be certain what his personal beliefs were from his works now.” Logan rationalises during a psychology discussion group he had taken out of curiosity and Patton was taking to decide whether he’d be interested in becoming a therapist.

A girl opposite him stood in response. “I’d argue that we can know what his personal beliefs were from that actually. First, we can tell that to Freud funding was more important than integrity and the welfare of his patients. Secondly, given the repetition of a few basic beliefs in Freud's works, we can be certain that he did believe in these things that now seem immoral to us.”

Logan nods at the reasoning, making notes over what has been said as the discussion of Freud’s work continued.

Patton is there in many of Logan’s classes, frowning at insults Logan doesn't entirely register as such, and calling him out for failing to follow normal social cues (or what Patton refers to as basic human decency occasionally, although Logan has not observed some of the actions being common at all) but also explaining them and asking if Logan is okay with him doing so.

“Well that lecture was tedious. We’ve all had classes covering that subject during high school, surely those students struggling must have failed those classes.” Logan mutters as they leave a chemistry lecture.

Patton shakes his head. “I was one of the students struggling to understand that lecture and asking additional questions. Are you meaning to insult me, or have you forgotten what you’ve learnt from additional reading during your high school years compared to what was learnt in class?”

Logan turns to him at that, brow furrowed and absently straightening his glasses. “No insult was intended to anyone. Struggling and still trying to understand and learn more is an admirable trait. It’s just frustrating that I’m unable to increase the speed of my studies while things are explained in multiple ways to others.” He explains after a moment, ignoring a snicker that came from behind him. “Are you able to say where you’ve learnt everything you know?” He adds, realising that Patton was right over the amount he could have learnt from additional reading.

“Only so far as the subjects weren’t ones I was interested in.” Patton laughs, accepting the explanation as apology enough.

Crying had been something Logan had decided he wouldn't do after accepting he was male. Emotions had always been explained away for him as just a thing girls did, feeling their emotions more strongly than men but now Patton is looking at him and comforting him, saying it's fine for boys to cry, that there's no need to listen to toxic masculinity and he can be quiet here.

Logan was the one to suggest they study together. He thought about it after Patton mentions struggling in a few lectures that he had thought were included in high school education and decides that it would be a pleasant way to spend time, especially since the other was so insistent on becoming his friend.

“So, I think it’s time for a short break from study.” Patton declares after half an hour. They’d previously discussed the studies on breaks helping people learn so, as much as Logan wasn’t ready for one, he did begin to push the textbooks to one side.

Taking that as agreement, Patton smiles before asking, “What’s your family like? I’ve never heard you mention them and you know all about mine.”

“Only because you feel the need to refer to them daily.” Logan counters, before letting his expression become neutral again. “They’re controlling, even down to my mother attempting to control any rebellion I might have had. I haven’t stayed in touch since coming here.”

“That sounds lonely. Are you okay?” Patton’s smile had dropped, replaced with concern that felt unwarranted.

“Of course I am. I’m more myself than they would have ever let me be.” Logan insists but could see his words weren’t reassuring Patton at all.

He shakes his head, one hand coming to rest over Logan’s. “It’s okay to be hurt that they wouldn’t accept who you are, Logan. There’s no shame in crying or being sad over family not supporting you.” Patton comforts.

Logan shook his head as well, trying to clear his rising emotions. He knows Patton is right, but currently there is studying to be done. Thankfully there is no argument when he reaches for their textbooks again, saying something about chemical reactions.

Their meetings carry on going like that, but Logan never comes out as trans to Patton. There's always something that one or other of them says that reveals something Patton can help Logan with in figuring himself out, while distracting him from thoughts that this vital part of his identity remains hidden.

Do You Really Want to Hurt Me

Building himself again after having all his life be one thing, then deciding to transform himself entirely when somewhere new even months after being at college keeps Logan feeling on edge. It didn’t seem real and felt more like an illusion of being able to be himself rather than the opportunity to actually do so.

Logan had occasionally faced anger from people before, but, especially the times that Patton would make comforting gestures, it seemed to be happening more frequently now.

“You playing pretend you’re female, Sanders?” The jeer comes unexpectedly as he is heading to the park.

“I have no desire to do that, so perhaps enlighten me over what you’re so annoyed by?” He turns, an eyebrow raised as he recognises a few other students that regularly attended the cafe he and Patton study at.

“Looked like you wanted to earlier. All puppy eyes as if you wanted to be Pat’s girlfriend.” The boy mocks making his voice a higher pitch.

With that jeer Logan decides he doesn’t want to entertain the conversation at all. “Perhaps you should make an appointment at the optometrist. Maybe they’ll be able to explain the conclusions you’ve needlessly jumped to. Or would a psychiatrist aid you more? I’m not sure, either way, I’ve got studying to do.” His steps are faster than his usual walking pace as he leaves, but the possibility of the student deciding to assault him was too far above 0% for Logan to remain calm while leaving.

He doesn't understand why he's still getting judged for somehow not behaving like a man correctly, even though the girls always used to say he was too much like a boy to be their friend.

Logan sometimes questions if his transition is actually the right thing for him, or if he isn't strong enough to handle the discrimination and judgement that comes with it. It wasn't that he wanted to change any of it, but at times like this it was tempting. There, stood before him, was the boy his mother had tried suggesting he dated, only months before.

“Alison, You look like you threw all that self-care you preached out of the window as soon as you reached college,” The boy looks him over, brow furrowing for a moment when he registers how flat the binder made Logan's chest. “Not sure quite how you managed some of the destruction to your appearance you've gone on though.”

Logan lets himself scoff. “Of course you don't. And actually self-care is still vitally important to me, but it's just adapted to my new environment rather than the one you knew me in. People act differently in safe environs than they do unsafe ones, you are aware?”

“Yeah, like this place is unsafe. I know you've looked up everything about anywhere you might have studied and do not believe for one second you would have chosen a college in a city with a high crime rate.” The boy tries to counter, blinking at the smirk now directed at him.

“You should not presume to know my reasoning for where I choose to study.” He turns and walks away at that, ignoring the niggling thoughts in the back of his mind that this was all wrong and he should have listened to his mother. She had always wanted the best for him, or said so at least.

His phone has 30 messages showing on it after their lecture. Logan had been deliberately ignoring it since encountering the boy. Even still it was in the bottom of his bag while he was out of his room.

“Can you help me read through these, Patton?” He asks, making a spur of the moment decision at the end of their lecture. It might be helpful to have a friend supporting him while reading whatever his family had sent to him now.

Logan would prefer to say that there isn't a set instance he can identify to set off his questioning but knew that beyond the encounter with the boy from his hometown, it had been a million small things that people who didn't know he'd transitioned explained under the assumption he knew nothing about growing up female. Occasionally it was the reverse that also hurt, male friends trying to relate with assumed shared childhood experiences, never realising how boys and girls are socialised so differently and Logan was lacking the experience they spoke of.

Patton is always willing to help Logan with his struggles, be they needing help to understand a sociology lecture, or simply just being support while he reads through a mass of messages from his family. That was why Logan asks for his help, but it was also why he is now hesitating over actually sharing them.

“Come on Logan, you can’t just stare at your phone all evening.” Patton tries to tease, but there is a shaky uncertain note to his voice.

Logan’s silence and the tension running through him now seemed to be unsettling him, almost as much as the idea of revealing the faults of his body is to Logan. He takes a moment to shake his head. “I’m sorry Patton. I thought I wanted support over the barrage of messages my parents have sent this afternoon, but now I don’t believe you would want to know so much about my family life.” He tries to explain, noticing as he spoke that his voice is even more shaky than Patton’s had been.

“Nope, not letting you do something that’s scaring you alone. Give me that phone and I’ll read them out for you. If you need to cry, you know I’m here to comfort you.” Patton decides after a moment, reaching out for the phone and grinning when Logan automatically moves it away from him. “You know I’ve got 3 brothers, do you think I’m above some rough-housing to help you face whatever’s going on?”

Logan steps back then. “Rough-housing? That’s actually an activity boys are allowed to do growing up? I’ve never been allowed to even get close to it. A sensible girl remains calm and keeps her posture straight while reading.” He states, before blinking at the words. It felt like a perfectly normal explanation to give but definitely reveals the very thing he’d been worrying about sharing.

Patton blinks in return, hand coming up to straighten his glasses in a mirror of the action Logan habitually made. “And is it because someone from your hometown saw you as the man you are that you’ve got so many messages to go through?” He asks, no longer reaching for the phone and watching Logan carefully as if uncertain on how his words would be taken. The judgement Logan had expected to see was nowhere in his face though, only concern.

“Yes, a boy my mother tried to arrange for me to court a number of times. He didn’t realise I’ve socially transitioned though, only that I don’t look as feminine as he expected me to.” Logan answers succinctly. The current conversation is far more important than anything from earlier in the day or waiting on his phone to him now.

Patton nods slowly. “Okay then. Let’s go through them and find out how judgemental they’re being, but only if you want to. Otherwise it’s perfectly fine to just delete all of their messages and pretend you never received them.”

“I need to know what they’re saying.” He admits, glancing down at his phone again, “And what you’re thinking. Are you okay with - with me not being like you thought?” It is too difficult to use the word transgender in that moment so Logan adjusts just enough for the question to still be understood.

“Of course, Logan! Of course! You’re my intelligent scientist friend who helps me study the things I’m confused by. That hasn’t changed at all. Now I just know that your confused looks over some things are because we had very different childhoods not just because of family differences.” Patton rambles his acceptance, nodding in an exaggerated way just to reassure Logan.

The messages don’t seem quite so daunting to go through with his friend there to help and reassure him.

That is when Patton starts to understand just how much Logan has been trying to fit into another mould of his own imagining. It’s concern as much as curiosity that makes him ask just what framework Logan is using for becoming male, as well as if that's actually who he truly wants to be. Patton doesn’t know what it’s like transitioning to the right gender but suspect it would be more comfortable if Logan would focus on his interests and studies, letting his outfits and body decisions come with time, in small discoveries over what feels comfortable or not.

“It feels like I've wasted a million years just trying to get this figured out, why would letting myself ignore it in favour of astronomy help?” Logan asks in confusion when it is brought up at one point.

He'd always viewed learning, even about himself as a cemented thing. Once something is known then it is so unless evidence comes to prove otherwise, which means every fact should be tested constantly, especially for things so vital to a person as their identity.

“People change and grow over time, Lo. Who's to say if what makes you comfortable will still do so in a year, but your interrogating it constantly seems like it's hurting you, or at least stopping you from enjoying what you have now.” Patton's words in reply are gentle. “You aren’t in a race to get answers on your gender immediately, Honey.”

Talk Amongst Yourselves

Sharing memories and regrets with Patton over a sleepless night takes them to the park. They each have nights like it every now and then. This time Logan is the one to text first, thoughts of his family and his studies chasing each other around his mind and preventing him from sleeping.

They meet in silence though, their messages having been vague over why they couldn’t sleep and laying together in a clear area. Patton's the one who begins talking after they've been laying next to each other for a while. He murmurs about how he'd only before looked up at the stars on long car journeys with his family, but on his trip home this time all he'll think of now are his memories of lying with Logan having him explain the constellations and stories behind them.

“I’ve always looked up at them. They’re my favourite thing to learn about.” Logan admits in reply, one hand absently tracing over the constellations he can spot although tonight Patton doesn’t ask about them.

Patton’s hand rests on the arm that isn’t pointing for a moment. “This is a much calmer scene than those drives are. I can see why you love looking up at them.”

“I can’t imagine how a drive could be stressful when you were just a passenger.” Logan pauses tracing the sky, rolling his head to look at him.

“It wasn’t stressful, but exciting. My family would be around each other again and I’d get to play with my cousins.” Patton’s ramble is when Logan realises how lonely he feels disconnected from his family as connected as he is.

“Sounds nice. Mine, well, my family weren’t like that. If we ever had long journey’s to visit relatives there was always some work or errand that my father had merged into the trip.” He tries to talk about some of his own memories but gets caught not knowing how to refer to himself, fumbling over a dead name that hurts to remember his parents will still use for him. “And my presence often felt like I was there to distract our relatives. They loved fawning over me? Alison? The child I was?”

In the moment, Patton just says “Don’t use any name for yourself if it makes you uncomfortable; just skip over the things people said using it.”

Logan nods, “It was nice though, journeys and visits like that meant I could have a few days to read and learn about anything I like without having to justify it in relation to schoolwork. I’d be reading any moment that I wasn’t expected to make conversation, including on the drives.”

“No wonder you’re such a genius now then.” Patton grins at him, gently teasing in his tone. “How did you justify the star gazing?”

“By my goals, my lifetime aspiration, to become a scientist, an astronomist to be precise.” Logan stated.

Patton made a quiet noise, looking back to the stars again. “I still don’t know what my lifetime aspiration would be. I just know I want to care for people.”

It's a few days later that Patton attempts to help further, trying to get in contact with Logan's family for a visit.

“Hello, Mr Sanders?” Patton isn’t really sure of how he is going to begin the conversation now he’s actually had his call answered. He had at least mentioned the idea of calling them to Logan and had offered to be the one to do so which was why he had their number, but the impatient greeting had him feeling more uncertain over this plan.

“Yes? Who is this and why are you calling me?” Mr Sanders is nothing like Logan, expecting things to be done his way or not at all. That is the impression his tone was giving to Patton at least.

“I’m Patton, one of your child’s friends. You were mentioned the other day and I was wondering if you intended to visit while school is in session. It seems odd that you haven’t before since my family visit every couple of months.” He doesn’t like speaking so formally but hated the idea of misgendering his friend even more so. Given the messages from the other week it was clear that Logan wasn’t out to his family yet, so this was Patton’s compromise for the call.

There is a moment before he gets a reply. “If Alison is so desperate for a visit she should call us herself. From what the son of our neighbours has said, her rebellion is still continuing strong and the silence she’s given us since leaving is evidence of it also.” The brusque dismissal isn’t just of Patton’s call but of everything Logan is deciding to do with his life. It horrifies Patton to realise that.

“Are you sure? Your kiddo talks about trying to learn everything for you and you’re disregarding everything that doesn’t fit some pin thin ideal you’ve formed?” Patton’s words are surprised and confused.

“Pin thin ideal? Are you judging someone you haven’t met, you pretentious brat?! Learn not to meddle in things!” The yell is the last thing to come before Mr Sanders hangs up. Patton isn’t too upset about that. He had expected there to be issues after going through the messages with Logan, but the vitriol he heard felt excessive.

He still goes to tell Logan what he attempted to do as well as the outcome of it, praising Logan for being such a good man after getting raised by that bad person.

With a sad smile, Logan just asks to forget about it, to let the past be the past, no matter how many promises his family had failed to uphold.

He had lived his life back at home as someone he isn't. He'd fitted the place his parents put him into and acted like the little girl they'd expected.

Now he is staring at his parents across the road from his college and wondering what on earth they were about to say. Especially after hearing about Patton’s call to his father this had seemed like something that would never happen.

“Hey, Pat? Do you need help studying for the test next week?” He calls, turning away from them.

“Alison! Aren't you going to greet your family!” The yell comes before he could do much more than catch up to where Patton is, and he knew that as much as he wants to ignore them now he couldn't. His friends knew the name from his previous life and would make the connection easily.

A glance at Patton shows he's also stopped now and is turning around with a large grin that seems fake compared to others Logan had seen. “Hello. You must be my friend's family. Unfortunately we've got an important exam to study for so neither of us have the time to indulge your visit. I'm sure you understand.”

“I'm sorry, are you saying I'm not allowed to spend time with my daughter?” Logan holds his reaction to his mothers words back automatically after years of practice, but Patton's grin momentarily looks more like a snarl.

“Actually I'm saying that people come to college to study and learn and any decent parents would understand that preparing for an exam is more important than a visit they didn't bother to let their child know was happening.” Patton's words are sharper than Logan had heard them yet, and he is a little confused to realise they are in defence of him.

Still he does step forward. “Mother, father, Patton's right. We've already planned to study tonight. He's helping me with the chemistry module.” The reverse was actually true, but he knew they never believed in his intelligence, at least not in scientific subjects.

“This is the friend that was so desperate for us to come visit a few weeks ago? Not so friendly now apparently. And is he the one you're destroying your appearance for? And wearing sports bras?” His father frowns, looking him over and shaking his head. “You had such lovely hair and nice clothes and you seem to have just thrown it all away since moving here.”

“I'm dressing how I want to dress rather than in a wardrobe you decided for me and have my hair styled precisely how I choose. That is not for you to comment on and not the subject we need to be focusing on. Now if you want to discuss the properties of dimethicone that get it used in hair conditioners that would at least be tangentially related to our studies but still superfluous information. Given your expression of confusion however I can see that inviting you to join in our studies would be counterproductive to our preparations for the exam.” Logan rattles off the sentence, remembering one of the ingredients listed on his conditioners back home after having used that as an excuse to study more science a few times.

His mother calls Patton back a week later, changing the script.

“Is Alison okay?” Patton stays silent for a moment after hearing the question, trying to remember who has his number that would be asking that. Also momentarily wondering who on earth Alison is. “Sorry for calling out of the blue but she seemed tense when Gerald insisted on visiting last weekend and this was the number you called us from.”

That sentence has him clearing his throat, suddenly realising who has called him, “Mrs Sanders?” He asks anyway, just to confirm.

“Yes, that's me. Can you tell me is my daughter is okay?” She sounds more confident now that she’s been recognised.

“Yes, she’s fine, just very focused on her studies currently.” Patton is glad it was over the phone as he couldn’t hold back a wince at using the wrong pronouns for his friend. Logan glances over at that, looking up from the studying they were doing when his phone rang.

Despite an eyebrow being raised at him, Patton remains focused on the call, providing an address when Mrs Sanders requests it so she could send a few things to Logan.

Once Patton hangs up, Logan has already closed and stacked their books to one side. “So you didn’t seem to expect that call.” He states, waiting to see if he’ll get an explanation.

“Your mom is sending a few things that she thinks you should have.” Patton agrees.

“My Mother? And she didn’t even ask to speak to me to yell about how we refused to spend time with them last week?” Logan asks, sceptical.

He nods, “Only wanted to check you’re okay, Kiddo and get an address for whatever it is she’s sending.”

“At least we know it won’t be explosives or a chemical trap. I think my father might be malicious enough to do that but she wouldn’t be.” Logan decides after a moment thinking over the things he’d heard Patton say during the call. “It’s being delivered to your dormitory?”

“Yes. I decided that after last week it’s probably best not to give them your address. They really aren’t nice, are they?”

“I guess we’ll have to see what I receive before ruling mother out completely.”

Included in the package is details of a savings account that had been intended for Logan's college fund but never given to him, as well as a number of photos with notes talking about what a sweet little girl he was and how proud she is of her daughter.

Logan pushes the photos away after only a short period looking through them and says goodbye to a past that wasn't his, but makes sure to visit the bank and get everything sorted so he has total control of the savings account.

Love is a Question Mark

Affection isn't a strange feeling to Logan. He'd felt it quite regularly when among his family, even after he'd realised he could never thrive around them.

It is still alarming to realise that he is feeling some strong affection for Patton. He hadn't come to college to make friends, or party as a few of their classmates claimed was the biggest perk of studying away from home but had been grateful to realise that friendships had formed regardless. This level of affection felt different, more romantic than the normal affection he encounters however.

At the same time he wants to explore it, if he could find the words to express that without sounding like someone he isn't. Everything he'd read or watched about love had been done in flowery language, even the scientific papers cataloguing the ways love and other emotions actually impact people tended to have sections swerve into poetic language that Logan wasn't inclined to write for his own experiences, nor did it feel right to use someone else's words.

Patton attempts to express that he's falling for Logan and Logan tries to agree he reciprocates but falls upon the failings of language to say it.

They decide to stick together in an almost relationship for a while because Logan wants to try but hasn't been in a relationship before, not for lack of desire but for lack of understanding of other people.

At some point Patton gets upset by being called “Nothing special to me” but Logan soon points out that he can't understand the logic of emotions and how in a world as connected and populated as ours nobody is special unless they've got some major achievement so how can love like that work.

It was the laughter that did it. Patton and Logan were taking a walk through the park, having a break from their studies after a difficult exam and a dog had come running over to them.

Patton immediately knelt down for it, glancing around to see if he could spot the owner while petting the animal and startled into laughter when it jumps up to lick his face. Logan finds himself shaking his head to clear it from the rush of affection he is sure was strong enough to be called love while watching the scene.

“This is all a big question mark, but I want you around.” Logan exclaims that evening, neither of them quite ready to call a date simply because they weren't certain over how serious the other is. “Who else is going to steal my work when I'm getting stressed and replace it with a documentary you know I'll just sit and argue with? Literally nobody knows me like that, and you've done everything I can imagine to convince me that I'm actually worth all this effort. And you? I cannot imagine being half so happy in myself if there came a day where I didn't have you talking to me.”

“So what do you want to do about the question mark?” Patton sits up straighter, brow furrowing a little as he tried to figure out what Logan was saying.

Logan leans back a little. “I'm saying this is a date and you are my partner. I'm saying that whomever I might become if we called this off can be left for a possibility in some distant future because I cannot imagine you simply walking out of here when you refused to even when I was little more than a stranger to you. Do you disagree?”

“I don't. Honey, I've wanted to call you my boyfriend for months longer than we've had these possible dates carrying on. Making it official sounds awesome!” Patton's excitement grows with every word and if Logan didn't lean over intending to just kiss his cheek as he had before then he might have begun squealing. Their lips met instead of lips to cheek, but it felt perfect.

#logicality #logan sanders #patton sanders #trans logan sanders #college au #coming out #cw tansphobic parents

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