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codename-adler · 3 years

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Death of Heroes

Because not even Neil can outrun the ephemerality of men.

Renee is the first one to go.

Nearing sixty but never reaching it, she is outlived by Abby and Wymack. At least Stephanie Walker is waiting for her at the gates of Heaven, but for the rest of her Foxes, the loss is heavy.

It’s cancer. Leukemia.

It started with the bruises from her sparring matches with Andrew not healing very well. Then not at all. After decades of maintaining these monthly meetings, of keeping her body healthy, Renee finally has to give it up. She knows something is wrong, and she knows that these sessions won’t be of any help, now.

Then the extreme fatigue starts. Still, Renee doesn’t do a thing about it. Or at least, she lets life go its own course. She looses weight, which she already doesn’t have much of. But then the nosebleeds begin, and it’s no use telling Allison to stop worrying. The diagnosis is unsurprising, yet still shattering. And it’s not a good prognosis either, but it’s still not bad enough for the doctor to give up the Five-Year survival plan.

Renee has to speak up. Ally, I don’t want to do this. She has to put her foot down. Allison, my love, it’ll be okay. I won’t get better, you and I both know that. But it can be okay. It can still be good.

Renee doesn’t get treatment. Renee doesn’t tell anybody, except Andrew. Because Andrew knows, somehow, that she made a terrible, irreversible choice. Because Andrew only deals in truths. Because Andrew is Andrew, and just as he needed her all those years ago, she needs him now.

A little more than six months pass, with less and less outings from Renee and more and more excuses from Allison, and Renee gets sick. Really sick. It starts like a regular cold. Then it looks more like the flu. And suddenly it’s pneumonia, and respiratory difficulties, and lung failure. She’s in that hospital bed, wearing that gown, breathing in that mask. Renee finally nods to Allison, giving her consent.

Ally makes the call.

Only Andrew and Dan make it in time.

Renee Walker goes out like a light.

The Foxes, who had once upon a time been used to murders, life-threatening schemes and acts of extreme violence, had never really known Death itself. The simple, yet inevitable fate of human lives. Of going quietly into the night. It’s all so quiet. So anticlimactic. It’s so quiet, too quiet, too heavy with silence. This time, there is no one to blame, no one to punish, no one to take responsibility.

It’s just life. It’s just death.

Wymack and Abby can’t believe that one of their Foxes, on of their kids, left before them. Renee’s Korean roots made her look barely a day over forty, which made it all so much worse. Renee’s death takes a toll on every single one of them. Because it’s Renee, the best of them. Because all her papers are in orders, her will to date, her wishes known; just as when she was alive, she leaves no chaos behind her.

There is nothing and no one to be mad at, except life.

In the cemetery where Stephanie Walker is buried, Andrew buys a large lot of land. (Large enough to one day welcome all the Foxes) The tomb is moved over there, and Renee’s name is added. A tree is planted above her scattered ashes. It’s very small, very fragile, but with the years, it grows strong.

For the first time, the Foxes realize that, despite going through Hell and back in their youth, they are not immortal. There is nothing to be done about that, but it hurts. It hurts to lose their angel this way, so soon, so suddenly. It hurts to lose, period. It feels like a failure, like giving up. They lost her. They lost.

But somehow, they gained something else they might never know about. Renee might have been the only religious one among them, but that didn’t stop her from becoming their Guardian Angel. Because somehow, from then on, the Foxes were spared.

Let me show you.

Just as Bee had a few years before Renee, Abby, then Wymack, simply die in their sleep, no fight, no agony. None of them have to see another Fox go before them. They don’t have to go through that indescribable ordeal ever again. They are spared the pain.

Then decades pass, enough for the remaining Foxes to grow very old, and live very long. Not infinitely, but long enough.

Matt is the next one to go.

Matt has worked hard all his life, both mentally and physically. It comes to no surprise, then, that arthritis chose to invade his body. For the first few years living with the diagnosis, natural medicine and osteopathy are enough to keep the pain at bay. It doesn’t stop Matt from doing anything. He babysits his 9 grandchildren with Dan every week; he goes on roadtrips with Dan every summer; he goes on a light jog with Dan every day.

It’s just that one day, it’s not enough anymore. Slowly, almost imperceptibly, the pain becomes too much for Matt to do his day-to-day activities. And really, the pain, he could take; it was an old friend, a familiar feeling, almost like a sixth sense.

It was the mental toll of it all that he couldn’t take. To have to say no to seeing his grandchildren. No to driving around endlessly and aimlessly for hours. No to waking up in sync with Dan every morning, and no to their routine, and no, and no, and just- not living.

For the first time in a long time, Matt doesn’t want to do this anymore.

But he does, still. He smiles, and he lies, and he tries to will away the pain.

It all comes down to one afternoon, when he takes his painful walk of the day around the neighborhood. There are three little kids playing Exy in their driveway, when suddenly a ball escapes their racquets and rolls down in the street. The smallest kid runs after it, runs and runs and runs, without looking. Kind of like Neil, Matt thinks to himself before his body acts of his own. The kid doesn’t see the car, and the car doesn’t see the kid. Matt sees both.

The BMW is going way over the limit, its sleek black sides reflecting the sun too brightly. Despite his pain, despite his age, despite his now slow reflexes, Matt leaps. He screams at the kid to stop and turn around, to let the ball roll away, but to no avail.

Matt pushes the kid away in time for the car to hit him instead, and only him.

The rest becomes a blur, but the final verdict is as such: broken hip, shattered leg, probably won’t walk ever again, even with surgery. The doctors and surgeons warn Matt that with his age, his pre-existing condition, and his drug history, surgery might kill him. But Matt refuses to be bedridden for the rest of his already miserable life. Dan knows that. She knows that he has to try. Knows that he might not pull through. She also knows that Matt wants to go, has wanted to for a while now.

She calls Neil. She calls Allison. From there, all the Foxes are bound to get the news. Matt promises to wait until their arrival before going into surgery. In the meantime, the nurses start a morphine line, after warning the couple very strongly about the side effects and the risks. But Matt is in pain, terrible pain, and it’s a compromise to wait for his Foxes. It takes about a week for all of them to come to his bedside, with Nicky being last, coming all the way from Germany. Neil and Allison barely leave his room; Dan doesn’t at all. The others take turns, leaving as much space for Matt’s kids and grandkids as their hearts can allow.

The open spot for Matt’s surgery is on a Friday.

Matt Boyd does not make it to Friday.

The morphine is too heavy on his heart. It was a possible outcome, not as alarming as the upcoming surgery, but... Matt had secretely wished to go ever since and- maybe, up there in Heaven, someone heard him...

Dan and Matt had had a mutual understanding, that it was okay, but it doesn’t make it any more easy to let go.

Two months into Matt’s departure, Allison moves in with Dan. She walks her through every stage of grief. She grieves all over again herself, too. But they make it.

Same goes for Andrew with Neil. Neil doesn’t know loss like this. Death like this.

And yet. And yet. Deep, deep down, Neil is scared. That after all his years of running, and fighting, and lying, he won’t get that peaceful ending Matt was granted.

But Neil lives.

And Nicky leaves.

A few months after Matt, he and Erik simply stay in the States. They say it’s because they want to be close, because they don’t want to miss anything, because they don’t want to risk a Fox leaving without a chance at saying goodbye. Because Nicky misses his Aaron and his Andrew.

Which are all valid and true motives. It’s just not the whole truth.

Nicky has dementia. Alzheimer’s, to be precise. Diagnosed about a year ago. It’s not bad yet, but- It’s the endless back-and-forth between the house and “der Supermarkt” because Nicky forgot what he drove there for in the first place. It’s forgetting words in all the languages Nicky speaks. It’s freaking out at all the Germans speaking German, because Nicky sometimes believe he is still living in America. It’s not finding the Columbia house and panicking when Nicky can’t get a hold of Andrew or Aaron.

It’s hard, it’s heartbreaking, it’s terrifying, but it’s manageable.

Once Nicky and Erik settle back down in North Carolina, they both wonder how long it’ll take before the twins figure it out, because there is no way Nicky is telling them, but he also knows nothing can get past his twins.

And he’s right. Between Aaron’s acute knowledge of Medicine and Andrew’s reknown lie-detector skills, it takes about 14 days for them to take Nicky hostage and demand the truth.

As the year comes to an end, Nicky’s dementia doesn’t seem to progress that much. He seems to escape the worst. He doesn’t forget anyone. He doesn’t become aggressive, doesn’t go missing, doesn’t lose any function of his body. Without looking too closely, Nicky is simply getting old.

The twin girls he and Erik adopted get to move back in for a little while, having lived in the U.S. all their lives and seeing their parents fly to Germany after their retirement. They know, too, and try to make the most of it. They are lucky. They are so lucky. Nicky is a miracle patient.

In the end, though, it’s Nicky’s body rather than his mind that gives out. Once you reach a certain point in time living with the disease, but without the general complications of it, eventually the brain has trouble managing all the organs of the body. So instead of forgetting to eat, or forgetting names and faces, sometimes your brain doesn’t remember how to make your heart beat. Or how to make make your lungs breathe.

Nicky Hemmick stops breathing in the middle of the night, after having wished his twin daughters goodnight, texted his other set of twins goodnight, and kissed his husband goodnight. Nicky had thought, then, that it was indeed, a good night.

Just as he had remembered his Foxes until the end, he was remembered by them as the big-hearted lover that Heaven had just gained as its new angel.

Too soon after him, though, it’s Allison’s turn.

It’s not that she’d simply been waiting around for the day she could be reunited with Renee. She just didn’t understand why her Foxes kept leaving, and why she was still stuck here without her other half.

She didn’t just wait, though. She helps Dan out with the grandkids, and sometimes the grown-up kids too. She volunteers a lot. She gives back to the Columbia community, and all around the world. She travels to places she’s never been, places that remind her of Renee, but are void of painful memories. She empties their bucket list, and much more. The last thing Allison has yet to do, the only thing left to do, is mending her relationship with her parents. Or parent. Singular. In spite of everything, including the death of her husband, Francesca Reynolds was still standing strong at the head of the Reynolds empire. 100 years old was nothing when you lived in spite.

In a twisted way, Allison believed that maybe her mother was the last piece she needed to mend before she was allowed to go. That despite being gone for years, Renee was still there somewhere, looking out for her and making sure she didn’t have any regrets.

So Allison accomplished the unthinkable, the unimaginable, the impossible. For the first time in decades, she flew back to the Reynolds estate and spoke to her mother. In person.

It was not the emotional reunion Renee might have hoped for, but it was a reunion still. That was more than enough for Allison. They didn’t talk about the big things. The important things. But they talked. They talked. And they scheduled another talk.

Back home with Dan, Allison embraced her friend and let the tears fall. She was grateful for her friend, but both of them knew that these were not the arms Allison wished to be held in. She went to rest a bit before dinner, and she tried to imagine how it would feel like to have Renee hold her again.

For someone as loud, as present and as strong as she was, Allison Walker slipped quietly from time.

When Dan found her, she could only smile tearfully. She played with her hair one last time as she called her Foxes.

Allison left Dan in charge of her finances, and so she took over her charity duties and went above and beyond to honor her friend’s memory. Her sister.

Dan thought she would be next. She wished, she hoped, she prayed to be next.

She wasn’t.

Kevin was.

He might have been the biggest and hardest loss to weather. It wasn’t a feeling that could be explained. As painful as it had been to lose Renee, and Matt, and Nicky, and Allison, losing Kevin was... the great and terrible 10, as they’d say.

Kevin should have died way sooner. His liver should have given out because of all the alcohol it had endured in Kevin’s youth. His heart should have given out because of all the stress it had faced for most of Kevin’s life. All the bad things that could happen with old age should have happened to Kevin, but they didn’t. They didn’t.

Death came knocking one day, and politely asked him if he would please follow them, and Kevin simply took it as a sign that his time was up.

That day, Kevin had felt a numbing pain in his chest all morning long. Used to little injuries here and there, he hadn’t thought anything of it. And he certainly wasn’t about to worry his doctor of a husband...

However, as the sun reached it’s highest in the sky, Kevin couldn’t really hide his pain any longer. He had lain down on their couch for a bit, but he couldn’t seem to get back up. It was too exhausting. So he called for Aaron, as loud as he could in the state he was.

As Aaron stumbled into the living room, Kevin tried to use his softest voice to inform his husband of the situation. Aaron immediately called an ambulance, and when the vehicle took them both away, he reached for his phone again to make, once again, a terrible call to their Foxes. But through his oxygen mask, Kevin reached out to grap his wrist and whispered, with difficulty, just Neil... just Andrew...

Because here’s the thing: Kevin loved his Foxes, and his Foxes loved him back. Immensely.

He loved them so much he had married one, with another one of them as best man (Neil), another as his husband’s (Andrew), and yet another one as their celebrant (Renee).

They loved him so much that it was only short of worship by a hair or two. And Kevin knew that. He loved Dan like a sister. And by extension, he loved Erik like a brother, too. And he loved all the Foxes’ children and grandchildren like his own, despite never being a parent himself.

But Neil and Andrew... There were no words for what they were to him. He knew that he wouldn’t have to talk them through it. He knew they would be the only ones strong enough and close enough to hold Aaron up in case it all turned to shit the moment he passed the hospital doors.

And being the History nerd he had always been, Kevin had written letters, a long time ago. To his Foxes. Most of them had left before him, and so he could never give them their letters, but Dan, and Erik for Nicky, could still have those letters. Kevin poured everything into these letters. It had taken him years, ever since Renee’s departure. He wrote, and threw away, and started again, until he got it right. Nine letters, for his nine Foxes. Andrew knew about it. He’d give Nicky’s and the upperclassmen’s to Dan and Erik, and they’d understand. Kevin didn’t want them to be there, at the very end of it all. He just wanted Aaron. And Neil. And Andrew.

Those three had letters waiting for them, too. Andrew would hand them over a month later. But he would never open his.

Andrew and Neil arrived just before 1 PM. Kevin was hooked on all sorts of IVs and still had the oxygen mask on. His heart monitor was beeping very, very slowly, erratically. He was still Kevin Day in all his gloriousness, but he was much more Kevin, their beloved Kevin.

On one side of the hospital bed, Aaron never let go of Kevin’s hand. On the other side, Kevin removed the mask and weakly motioned for Neil to take the other hand. But Neil was stunned. Frozen. So Andrew came up behind him, and held Kevin’s hand.

It would be the first, and the last time.

Just as Neil finally sprung into action and went to put a hand on Kevin’s shoulder, feeling his wiry muscles and his fragile bones underneath the hospital gown, Kevin closed his eyes.

The heart monitor began flatlining.

Neil looked at the monitor, then to Kevin. He looked at Andrew, then back at Kevin, and then at Aaron. His eyes couldn’t stay focused on one thing. He was still hoping. He was still refusing.

Aaron lowered his head. Kissed Kevin’s hand.

Andrew held on tighter to Kevin’s other hand. Gripped the back of Neil’s neck.

Kevin took Death’s hand, which felt a lot like Aaron’s, and Andrew’s, and Renee’s, and walked away.

Aaron unplugged the monitor. And called it.

Time of death: 13:01.

It took exaclty one month, day for day, for Aaron to leave as well. They called it the Broken Heart Syndrome. On the surface, Aaron had held it together. But Andrew knew. He saw. That he was losing him as well.

Some could say that, by handing over Kevin’s letter, Andrew killed his brother. But those who would say that didn’t even begin to understand the complexity of the bond between twin brothers. Especially not the Minyards.

Because what Andrew really did, with that letter, was gifting Aaron with relief.

Peace. Quiet.

Love.

Aaron could exhale, now. He would see Kevin soon, now.

And so in the same room, in the same bed as his husband’s, Aaron Minyard forced Death’s hand and demanded to see Kevin again.

And then there were three.

Dan lived for so long that she started to fear outliving her children. She felt old, so old. In her head and in her heart. She did not believe in a God, but she often found herself praying to someone, anyone. She did not believe in angels and demons, but she often wondered how long they would keep her from Death.

So she waited. For the days to go and the nights to pass. She barely ate anymore. She barely moved. She was only feeling okay when she slept outside, in her chair in the backyard, the sun shinning on her beautiful face. She could sleep for hours there, surrounded by her lively garden. The wind swayed her skirts, the trees whispered in her ears. It was okay.

And at the same time, it wasn’t.

She was tired. She was lonely. Even Erik, a couple of years ago, had gone to rejoin his husband. Neil visited her at least once a week, but he still had Andrew. He couldn’t understand, nor could he stay away from him for too long. He would miss him too much.

Every year she celebrated another birthday, and every year she blew her candles wishing they were her last.

And at last, her wish came true.

Dan was expecting one of her kids to come by in the afternoon. The Carolina sun was shinning quite hard on her, so she had placed her chair in way that let the sunlight hit the back of her head, turned away completely from her house. Her daughter knew exactly where to find her when she arrived, and so she didn’t wait for a response to her presence before making her way down into the garden. She had called her mother multiple times, and had assumed she was sleeping when she hadn’t answered.

Dan was not sleeping.

Dan Wilds had left this world, the sunlight pouring down on her like the radiant goddess that she was.

Being one of the last Foxes, it took a day before Neil and Andrew got the news of her death. They don’t get involved in the funeral preparations, but they show up. And that’s enough.

People don’t really bother them anymore, so they can bid farewell to their Captain in relative peace. They come by Dan’s house aftwerwards, too, and help her kids out with everything. Yes, even Andrew.

Dan’s death makes them reflect the most.

About the Foxes. About each of their departures. How they all lived a good and long life. How they all died a good and quiet death.

They think about how they were always the ones nearing death, always fighting to stay alive. About how they died a million deaths before the age of 18.

They think about how they are the last ones standing, even after everything.

They survived. They lived.

(They loved)

Neil and Andrew should not have gotten this far. They should not have lived this long. They shouldn’t have. But somehow, somewhere above, someone has watched over them and made sure that they didn’t get the ending they should’ve had, but the ending they deserved.

Neil and Andrew don’t really want to die. They don’t really want to live on either. But they take every day that they are given, to be with each other, to mend their hearts still, to breathe.

They take every breath they can.

They wonder who will leave first. Who will have to say goodbye and stay behind, who will have to wait.

It’s a fear neither of them had ever thought they’d have. Not like that.

And it’s only a matter of time before they get their answer. They are, after all, getting very old. It is both a blessing and a curse.

After decades of partnership, Neil and Andrew still go to bed the same way they did when they were eighteen. Both facing each other, their hands joined in the middle, their nose a breath apart.

After decades of peace, Neil and Andrew still wake from sleep at the slightest abnormality.

Which is why the minute Neil Josten gives out his last breath, Andrew awakes.

Neil’s hand in his is still warm and his skin is still soft. His hair, although completely white for quite some years now, still have that bronze glow to them. They’re still curly, and soft to the touch. Andrew passes a hand through them before resting it on the back of Neil’s neck.

He looks at Neil like it’s the first time, tries to memorize every detail of his beautiful face. He rubs circle in his skin, and takes in everything that was, that is Neil. His husband. His junkie. His rabbit. His pipedream. His lover. His love.

Andrew doesn’t move from their bed.

When he has finally spoken everything that he feels to Neil, from the safety of his mind, Andrew moves closer to him so their foreheads touch and noses align. He takes Neil’s lifeless hand again, and kisses it. He sets their hands back down, between the two of them, and looks at Neil one last time.

And slowly, Andrew Minyard closes his eyes, forever.

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winterscaptain · 3 years

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fathers.

Aaron Hotchner x Fem!Reader a joyful future fic

a/n: it turns out the words really do fly out of you when you write in comic sans. who knew? anyways, here’s a little sunday morning angst for you. starts sweet, ends sweet. takes place au!may 2016.

words: 1.8k warnings: discussion of abuse and alcoholism (nothing too graphic)

summary: “‘why do men like me want sons?’ he wondered. ‘it must be because they hope in their poor beaten souls that these new men, who are their blood, will do the things they were not strong enough nor wise enough nor brave enough to do. it is rather like another chance at life; like a new bag of coins at a table of luck after your fortune is gone.’” – john steinbeck

masterlist | a joyful future masterlist | ajf faq | requests closed!

Aaron walks in from a very long day at the office to find you and Sean crashed out on the couch. Isaac’s asleep, too, sprawled out on his back in his Pack ‘n Play. He can hear Jack shuffling around in his room, probably on the tablet or working on homework.

Sean has the remote loosely gripped in his hand, hanging off the edge of the couch. His head is in your lap, one of your hands in his hair, and your body curled around his shoulders. You look more like a pair of siblings or long-lost childhood friends than anyone Aaron’s ever seen - certainly more so than he would in the same situation.

He almost envies the familiarity you and Sean have between you. Your friendship is easy and automatic - always has been.

How can two people, seemingly so similar, feel so starkly different about him?

Aaron’s not quite sure how long he’s been standing there watching as you two sleep like a pair of house cats. Eventually, you stir with a furrowed brow, squinting into the late afternoon sunshine.

When you find Aaron’s eyes, you smile widely and wink at him. After some delicate maneuvering in which you replace your thighs with a couch cushion and your arm with a throw blanket, you’re free of Sean’s weight and you can finally tuck into your husband.

He kisses your head and wraps his arms around you. “How was your day?”

“Good.” You burrow further into his chest. “Sean and I talked.”

Aaron dips his head. “Oh?”

“Mhmm.” You pat his chest twice and kiss his cheek. “Later.”

+++

“Sean talked to me about your dad today.”

Aaron freezes where he sits at the edge of the bed. You don’t mean to ambush him, but there’d never be a good time, so out with it was your best option.

He shudders as if a chill ran through him, but the room was warm and free of drafts. Sean warned you that this might be the reaction. Even then, he only told you about his experience with the patriarch of the Hotchner household. When you’d asked about Aaron, he only paled and shook his head.

“Ask him about it, but I won’t… I can’t do that to him,” he’d said.

So you have. And now you wait.

Aaron’s voice is a croak when he speaks. “What -” He clears his throat. “What did he say?”

You turn toward him, tucking your legs close to you and pulling the duvet up. “He told me a little about what it was like for him growing up.”

“Just him?”

“Just him. He wouldn’t say anything about your relationship with your father, nor about your childhood. I didn’t push.”

You pause for a moment. He’s still frozen, but his breath picks up. Not for the first time, you notice the silver lines - scars - across his back.

Long-healed and decades-old.

“I realized in that moment that it’s one of the few things I don’t know about you. I knew, even when I first met you, never to ask and you never told. You’ve alluded to things over the years on cases, and I’ve seen the unique kind of loathing you have for unsubs who hurt their children.” Your voice is low, Isaac sleeping in his crib beside the bed, almost old enough to sleep in the nursery.

You hear Aaron’s breath catch and you lean forward, putting your hand beside his hip so he knows you’re there.

“I’ve known not to ask for so long that I never did.”

A huff leaves him. “You’re not going to like it.”

“I don’t expect to,” you reply simply.

Aaron’s hand wanders back to find your own and he grasps your fingers like a lifeline. Eventually, he turns, sitting in the middle of the bed like a child, his legs crisscrossed with his feet nearly underneath him.

He stares at the bedspread as he tells you about his father. A charming, handsome lawyer with a wicked vodka habit. That particular wicked habit fed into his other one - a liberal use of his belt as a tool of discipline.

Aaron tells you about the day he was old enough to step between his parents, to take whatever his father had to throw - sometimes literally - on behalf of his mother. Evelyn did her best, kept the house together and her boys as safe as she could. It didn’t always work.

She’d thought, Aaron shared with you, that a second child would soothe whatever hurt tortured her husband.

Aaron never resented her. Especially after starting his work as a lawyer and later as an agent, he understands how difficult - really, impossible - it is to leave those situations when you have children.

As his parents struggled to conceive, his father grew worse. By the time Evelyn had Sean, Aaron was thankfully old enough to wrangle his father into a cold shower and into bed most nights before he could get violent. He was thirteen.

“It was almost a relief - it was a relief - when his body finally failed him. I was barely in college when he died, and I graduated early. Sean was still little, so I don’t know what he remembers.”

Aaron sits for a moment, thinking. “If I could hazard a guess, I’d say it was the shouting.” He shakes his head. “We were always shouting.”

You’re both in tears now, but your crying is silent and his tears hardly disrupt his breath.

“Almost everyone at his funeral was someone he worked with. They, of course, loved him. His functional alcoholism served to make him affable enough to make and keep friends at the law firm. They had no idea what happened after he came home.”

He takes another breath. “I did my best to protect Sean after our father died, to keep him safe. I know he resented me for it - might still resent me for it - but he’s alive. And so is my mom.”

You can’t imagine what Evelyn’s been through, the peace she’s probably had in the decades she’s spent widowed. How the Hotchner line managed to survive - managed to become as kind and genuine and loving as they are - is close to a miracle.

You tell him as much.

He raises his eyebrows and shakes his head, looking very much like the lost boy who took on too much, too fast, too early. “I don’t know how.”

“Because,’ you say, leaning forward and crawling into his lap and wrapping around him like a koala. “You are a better man, Aaron. You won.”

His breath is unsteady as he clasps his arms around you, his hands locked around his opposite forearms.

“You’re a great brother, a fantastic husband, an exceptional father.” You lean back so you can frame his face in your hands. “You wanna know something?”

He just stares at you.

“I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve heard you raise your voice at a member of our team or your family.” Your thumbs brush over his cheekbones as his eyes flutter shut. “You are a strong and gentle leader who relies on integrity rather than force to win respect.”

You kiss his cheek and hook your chin over his shoulder, holding him as close as you can. “We’re never afraid of you. Your sons can’t wait for you to come home. They’re thrilled when they hear your keys in the door.”

He sniffles. “I’m afraid...”

Leaning back again, you grip his jaw with a kind of gentle ferocity, forcing his gaze. “Aaron. Look me in the eye and tell me what your sons could do to push you to beat them, to physically discipline them. What would they have to do?”

He meets your eyes, shifty and shadowed like a wild animal, and stares at you without speaking. After a moment, the wildness fades and his lower lip wobbles as he exhales.

That’s enough of an answer for you.

“Can’t find anything, can you?”

Aaron shakes his head. He’s barely audible.

“No.”

“No,” you echo, your voice gentle and soft. Bringing his head back to your shoulder, you hold onto him, running your hands over his shoulders to soothe some of his shaking.

Isaac snuffles and stirs, drawing your attention. Aaron looks up too, his eyes searching for his son.

“Lemme get him,” he says. You untangle yourself and shuffle to the edge of the bed, looking over the edge of the crib. Knowing Isaac, he probably just wants snuggles. He’s the snuggliest baby you’ve ever known.

His father’s son, certainly.

Aaron rounds the crib and leans down, bringing Isaac to his chest. “Hey, little man. You alright?”

Isaac makes a little creaky baby noise and grabs Aaron’s shirt in a death grip.

There are still tears streaked down Aaron’s cheeks and his breath is still a little unsteady, but he’s relaxed as he gently rocks Isaac around the room, shifting his weight from side to side. In his father's arms, Isaac falls right to sleep.

+++

Aaron’s night is fitful, but after you curl up at his side he manages to close his eyes and rest.

You’re up before him in the morning - a rarity - finding Isaac awake and holding onto his own feet in the crib, staring up at the ceiling.

My boy. Always happy to entertain himself.

You pick him up and carry him out of the room, closing the door softly behind you. At this point, you’ve perfected the one-armed carry thanks to Aaron, and it usually comes in handy.

Jack and Sean are already awake, making cereal so quietly the bowls probably deserve their own top-secret clearance.

“Good morning, boys,” you say with a smile.

“Morning, Mom,” they drone, in tandem, before dissolving into a fit of giggles.

With a laugh, you find your own bowl and Sean pours your cereal just the way you like it while you pull a bottle for Isaac.

The four of you eat breakfast in relative peace. It’s nice to have Sean here with you for more than one reason, but for now, it’s because he’s holding Isaac’s bottle so you can eat with one hand. One hand, you've learned, is decidedly better than no hands at all.

Aaron rolls into the kitchen about ten minutes after you, looking rumpled and squinty in the morning sun.

“Coffee’s on, honey.”

He mumbles his thanks and you share a smile with Sean.

“He’s predictable,” you explain in a half-whisper.

Sean nods, playing at something pensive. “And old.”

“Heard that.”

You and Sean share a look and a smile. You look over your shoulder. "Heard what?"

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#aaron hotchner x reader #hotch x reader #aaron hotchner imagine #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds fanfiction #aaron hotchner #criminal minds #hotch #tali writes fanfiction #tali talks cm #a joyful future #abuse tw #a joyful future fanfic

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effei-s · 3 years

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anderson and his paradox:

about the duality of a man.

(aka see me rambling in this 1500-words long essay about how much i love him)

the first half of his paradox: he’s more than capable of love. i would even dare to say that love is a driving force behind 99% of his actions.

let’s look at examples:

adam’s mom (aurora):

i’ve said it before, i’ll say it again: he worshiped the ground she walked on. it’s a fact. it’s what adam said about him in unravel me: i know he loved my mom. it was always her, everything was about her.

her death was probably the worst thing that happened to him, the loss that made him truly suffer, hence him constantly talking about how he wants to shield warner from it. that whole thing with lena is not about control itself, it’s about warner not making his own mistakes. there’s a genuine desire to protect there.

evie:

considering how little information is given about them it’s honestly amazing how much there lies between the lines (can mafi write everything the way she’s written them, please?).

they’re the perfect example of my favourite type of soulmates. he’s actually second worst person on this planet, because first place is already taken by her. there’s no one who knows him better then her (she knew about adam = she knew about aurora). there’s no one who understands him better than her (them being two vital parts of the RE from the very beginning). it doesn’t matter how much they fight, he trusts her with his life no questions asked: he comes to her before ignite me and asks her to make him immortal. considering evie’s words in defy me about how she was ready to kill him for trying to kill juliette in unravel me it was very risky of him (because if there’s one person that could slit open his throat and kill him for good, because he let his guard down, it would be evie). he trusts her to do her job and has no doubts about her capability to succeed. his first reaction to her death is ‘what? it can’t be real!’ because evie for him is almost untouchable entity ‘if they couldn’t hurt me, they sure as hell won’t be able to hurt her’. when he realizes that it’s true he’s terrified.

and anderson doesn’t do terrified.

/i really don’t know what can scream LOVE louder than this/

warner:

we can’t not talk about warner here.

warner betrays him and he still saves warner life. you need to remember that the only reason why warner is still alive in defy me, after he committed treason, is because anderson protects him.

by that time in restore me/defy me anderson, who technically lost his position as a supreme, still managed to save warner’s life /because he’s cool like that/.

“I had to call in a number of favors to have you transported here unharmed. The council was going to vote to have you executed for treason, and I was able to convince them otherwise.”

even evie doesn’t dare to fuck with warner because she knows anderson will come at them with the wrath of god.

“If Aaron were anyone else’s son,” she says, “I would’ve had him executed. I’d have him executed right now, if I could. Unfortunately, I alone do not have the authority.”

anyone else’s son.

so yeah the problem here is not that warner is one of the heirs of the RE. the problem here is that he’s anderson’s son.

plus his entire conflict with juliette is rooted in the fact that she

a) tried to hurt warner

unravel me:

I cannot allow him to protect a person who has attempted to kill him.

restore me:

The monster we’ve bred has tried to kill my own son.

b) tried to take warner from him.

restore me:

Worse, she’s become a distraction for Aaron. He’s become—in a toxic turn of events—impossibly drawn to her, with no apparent regard for his own safety. I have no idea what she’s done to his mind.

and then in imagine me he declines warner’s offer.

“You would be willing to sacrifice yourself—your youth and your health and your entire life—to let that damaged, deranged girl continue to walk the earth? Do you even understand what you’re saying? You have every opportunity—all the potential—and you’d be willing to throw it all away? In exchange for what?Do you even know the kind of life to which you’d be sentencing yourself ?”

/i dare you to tell me he didn’t love warner, i dare you/

juliette:

as a cherry on top, there’s juliette, of course.

when we’re talking about hate we’re talking about juliette, no questions asked. i truly believe that his hatred for her was stronger than his love for aurora and evie combined. and still what brings him down for good is not hate for her but adoration of her (oh irony, my irony).

after 12 years of hatred, after 12 years of her being ‘the bane of his existence’, he still ended up spending his dying breath to make sure she will be safe.

“I ordered you to remain silent,” he says, glancing back at her. “And I am now ordering you to remain safe, at all costs. Do you hear me, Juliette? Do y—”

“Kill them,” Anderson gasps, blood staining the edges of his lips. “Kill them all. Kill anyone who stands in your way.”

just like defy-me warner, imagine-me juliette survives ONLY because of anderson.

he even apologized to her at one point.

“You know, I realize now that I’ve been too hard on you. I’ve put you through too much. Tested your loyalty perhaps too much. But you and I have a long history, Juliette. And it’s not easy for me to forgive. I certainly don’t forget.”

anderson??? admitting??? that??? what??? he??? did??? was??? wrong???

and not because he needs to get off the hook, but because he actually feels like it was too much???

ALERT THE MASSES, THE WORLD NEEDS TO HEAR ABOUT IT!!!

btw, do my eyes deceive me, or did this ‘not easy to forgive’ mean that he actually already FORGAVE her for trying to kill him?

anyhow if that wasn’t enough look at this:

“What could possibly go wrong?” Anderson asks. “She’s more powerful than any of them, and completely obedient to me. To us. To the movement. You all know as well as I do that she’s proven her loyalty again and again. She’d be able to capture them in a matter of minutes.”

do you see it?

it’s the same thing that happened with evie: no one here is strong enough to hurt her (oh, i can see some PROJECTIONS here happening).

it’s funny how the way Anderson acts is EXACTLY what I expected from Warner. he isn't just talking about how she can do anything, when moment comes he ACTS.

Anderson is guarding Juliette. The same Anderson who’s spent so much of his energy trying to murder her—is now standing in front of her with his arms out, guarding her with his life.

i’d still prefer for her or him to kill ibrahim but even without it... he says you can burn this place to the ground, I don’t care as long as you’re safe, he chooses her over not only the RE, he chooses her over WARNER.

/and you expect me not to ship this??? sure, jen, i’m not gonna/

conclusion number 1: yes, my beautiful people, everything Anderson does in one way or another tied to love.

the second half of his paradox: love doesn’t make him a better person, it doesn’t even make him fully human. you’d think that if person capable of such strong feelings there’s supposed to be something worth saving, just like castle’s said:

“Of course he’s a regular person, son. That’s exactly the point. We’re all just regular people, when you strip us down. There’s nothing to be afraid of when you look at Anderson; he’s just as human as you or me. Just as terrified. And I’m sure if he could go back and do his life over again, he’d make very different decisions.”

(castle is a fucking idiot, never listen to people like him or you’re gonna end up neck-deep in shit)

but at the end of the day anderson remains a fucking monster.

his love for aurora doesn’t stop him from marrying another woman and having a child with her because it’s the easiest way to social climb.

his love and devotion to evie and re (mostly evie, because evie is the reestablishment) doesn’t stop him from playing games with juliette and putting everything and everyone at risk just because he’s bored.

i won’t even start commenting on warner’s situation, because otherwise we’re gonna sit here for days and i’ll end up with 100k words essay about them.

and even his enamourment with juliette doesn’t actually protect her from his violent nature. even this perfect, absolutely perfect juliette still has to prove herself (cut off her finger to show her loyalty). it still very easy for him to hurt her.

conclusion number 2: him being in love, him caring about someone, him trusting someone doesn’t change his fundamental nature. he still remains a destructive force put into a human body.

he’s a fucking satan.

and that’s exactly why i love him.

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marvelvsmarvel · 3 years

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MCU Sinister Six Roster Speculation (long-form)

Spider-Man No Way Home is all but confirmed to include the multiverse, Doctor Strange, and the Sinister Six which features three of the previous Sony cinematic Spidey villains:

Alfred Molina’s Doc Ock

Jamie Foxx’s Electro

& William Dafoe’s Green Goblin

If we take into consideration that this is in fact the MCU’s Sinister Six and not to be part of the Sony-Disney joint custody Venom/Morbius limbo then we should also include:

Michael Keaton’s Vulture

& Jake Gyllenhaal’s Mysterio

Four out of these five make up the original Six from the comics (no Goblin) with Sandman and Kraven the Hunter rounding them off. Here’s where it does get iffy because if he do consider limbo picks we know that Sony recently cast the real MCU Quicksilver actor Aaron Taylor-Johnson as its Kraven the Hunter for a solo film. And then we also know that MCU Vulture was supposed to crossover in Sony’s Morbius presumably in a prison scene where Vulture and Morbius meet.

Either one makes Six but now let’s focus back on the MCU. There is Bokeem Woodbine’s Shocker and Michael Mando’s Mac Gargan who is set up to be Scorpion both of whom could possibly reprise their roles but where either one of them make Six again. So what options are there to kinda limit this search for Six?

My guess is that whoever the mystery Sixth person is would be in charge seemingly cancelling out thugs like Shocker and Scorpion. They would also need to be able to have the capabilities of accessing the multiverse to cross over the previous villains which cancels out the Kraven and Morbius as well. So while that doesn’t seem to have limited the guesses I have three that I feel incredibly strong about:

Kingpin Wilson Fisk: You mean like what Sony’s Spider-Man Into the Spider-Verse did? I mean EXACTLY like the Academy Award Winning Best Animated Feature Film that beat not one but TWO Disney movies! Vincent D’Onofrio’s Wilson Fisk already exists in the MCU proper but recently he was rumored to have been added to the Hawkeye series as well. I have been rambling how Sonny Burch (Ant-Man and The Wasp) works for someone pretty powerful but he also made note to Hope “You think that I don't know what you've been building with all of this Quantum Technology? You can forget nano-tech. Forget A.I. Forget cryptocurrency. Quantum Energy is the future. It's the next gold rush. I want in.” That’s some serious knowledge for a mid-level shot-caller. What if Fisk is Burch’s boss? You follow the general plot that Fisk wants to reclaim legitimate power and authority behind philanthropic/business fronts. One of his investments is in a crazy former AIM (bring them back) Quantum Physicist named Dr Otto Octavius (Molina) who is trying to crack Quantum Energy. Octavius uses a harness he wears that controls four powerful limbs that assist in building massive Quantum tunnels because in no way can you get Quantum Energy from a machine that fits in the back of a truck... Anyways Octavius succeeds in finding a way into another dimension. Fisk takes this news and instead of simply running to a big press conference he sees an opportunity to become a hero to society if he can kill this public menace who murdered the superhero Mysterio assuming he actually died. In order to not have the murder trace back to him he doesn’t just use out of town killers but out of dimension killers which includes Green Goblin and Electro, and now a real multiversal Mysterio Daniel Berkhart (not Quentin Beck but still played by Gyllenhaal) who has some crazy illusion tech from his own dimension. Fisk also financially leverages a reluctant Vulture because he has experience against Spidey. This plays out level boss battle style with Kingpin being the final boss. This guess supports the rumor the Charlie Cox will reprise his role as Daredevil Matt Murdock within the film.

MCU Norman Osborn (not played by Dafoe): Talk about multiverse! Continuing me doubling down on my big guesses have Osborn be the person who bought Avengers Tower in Spider-Man Homecoming and rename it OSCORP. Within it and over the past 5+ MCU years Norman Osborn has been experimenting with Quantum Energy with the goal of solving time travel much like Tony Stark did (that no one knows about but the brilliant Norman Osborn came to that conclusion with Quantum tech himself). Have him succeed only then fall under Doctor Strange’s radar. Strange who then has his hands full with what Loki and Wanda are doing to the multiverse decides to ask Peter to stop Norman from messing with things beyond his control because “the universe depends on it”. Spidey agrees and does it in the most Spidey way which is just unintentional destruction of property seemingly destroying the machine which ends in an accident that exposes Norman to Quantum Energy that will later turn him into the Goblin. Norman starts to hear voices believing he is going crazy when it is really Quantum Entanglement just like between Janet Van Dyne and Scott Lang. Villains from other universes are calling out to kill the bug and so Norman gets back to work rebuilding the Quantum tunnel like a maniac to silence the voices. Doc Ock and Electro are brought to the MCU along with another Norman Osborn (Dafoe) who is already full on crazy. Mysterio Quentin Beck is revealed to have only faked his death and comes to MCU Norman with a plan to kill Spidey after learning about what he did at Oscorp. Vulture is again reluctantly recruited with money because of his previous experience. This plays out mob style with relentless combinations of team up attacks the ultimately leads to a Six on bug boss battle. This guess supports the growing concept of multiverse in the MCU by having two Norman’s from different timelines while also bringing the franchise in full circle paying off the moving day from Homecoming.

Nightmare/Other: Ultimately this would be the Doctor Strange 2 villain who is rumored to be Nightmare but regardless should be a multidimensional threat but I’ll use him for now. With Wanda and Loki breaking the timelines this threat is freed from the limits of or the imprisonment of their dimension and are out to send the multiverse into madness. In doing so they find themselves on earth where they will begin their takeover but must first defeat their greatest threat there. Tracing power back to the Sanctum Sanctorum they find Peter Parker hiding out there instead of Strange. Mistakening Peter for Strange in the case of Nightmare he feeds on Peter’s fears which after recent events is that ALL his villains would come after his friends and family. Nightmare existing as a multi-dimensional being therefore summons Spidey rogues Green Goblin, Doc Ock, and Electro from multiple timelines and a couple from the MCU which in turn frees Vulture from jail and reveals Mysterio as alive from wherever he was hiding out at. Nightmare incites the rest of the Six to do his bidding through their own fears but Strange of course returns in time to reclaim Nightmare back into his own dimension for a future showdown. This plays out Nightmare of Elm Street (horror) style with the villains hiding out for Peter and attacking when he least expects it with the goal for Peter to survive the night until Strange arrives as opposed to battles to win. This guess doubles down on Strange’s confirmed cameo in the film because why else need the help of the Sorcerer Supreme if not because of a threat that “could destroy life on a scale hitherto undreamt of”.

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twdmusicboxmystery · 3 years

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How Scars MIGHT Relate to Leah and Daryl

Okay Everyone, this is a post that I wrote like 6-7 months ago. It was after we learned about Leah and 10x18, but before the episode actually aired. It was really just conjecture on my part. Me, trying to connect patterns and similarities I was seeing.

Why didn’t I post it back then? Because we decided we thought Leah was a hallucination, and at that point, I thought this less likely to pan out.

What I’ll say now is that, if she IS real, this may still be true. And if she isn’t, this pattern may hold but it might be about some other character, other than her.

Even if it turns out to be completely untrue, just see this as patterns I’m seeing that may come into play in the future. And I wanted to post this today, before ep 1 airs and ep 2 shows up on AMC+.

Also, someone sent me this yesterday:

Norman saying there’s some double agent stuff going on DOES suggest she might be a villain. It’s hard to interpret exactly what he meant by that, but this is one possibility. So here’s what I wrote to my fellow theorists several months back:

Here’s what I have to say about Scars, and I’m still grappling for how best to frame this, so I’m sorry if it meanders a bit. And honestly, it’s nothing super ground-breaking. It’s a lot of what we’ve already talked about concerning Leah, and it comes from what you found about the “masks” lines in the Michonne/Zeke convo, as well as between Daryl and Michonne in Scars. I’m really just giving more evidence for this and predicting a future storyline. You know, like I do. ;D

And one thing I will say is that, while I WANT to tie this to Leah because both her storyline and Jocelyn’s happened during the 6 year time jump, I’m not 100% sure this even has to do with Leah. It might, but it also might not. So, I think this is a coming storyline one way or the other. But it may have to do with Leah or may be completely independent of her. No way to tell, yet.

So, in both conversations (both between Michonne and Zeke and Michonne and Daryl on the swings) they talk about people wearing figurative masks. Daryl specifically talks about someone who has so much evil in their hearts that they actually lie about who they are and present themselves in one way, as one type of person, when really they’re the opposite.

We see this theme played out all through Scars, because obviously Jocelyn did that. But now that I’m alert to it, I’m seeing it a lot. Even in 10x17, the Sniper fell under this theme. Mostly literally in his case because he was wearing camouflage (a kind of mask) to hide out and kill people. But figuratively, that’s kinda what Jocelyn did, too.

Okay, so let me start at the beginning. I’ve watched Scars twice now and I’m thinking more and more that the thing with Jocelyn happened BEFORE Leah. Now that we know Daryl’s story spans 5 of the 6 years, I think Leah must happen after Jocelyn. Michonne is big and pregnant, so Scars can’t be more than 6 mos after Rick disappeared.

Michonne asking Daryl if he’s okay being alone definitely hints at the Leah storyline (another reason to link Leah and Jocelyn). But I think it’s a jumping off point for his story. Because he tells Michonne he’s okay being alone, and in that moment, I think he really is. Or at least he really believes he is. The story with Leah will be him realizing he really doesn’t want to be alone. Romantically or otherwise. Which pushes him back toward TF when Carol comes knocking with Henry.

But let’s get to the good stuff.

After Jocelyn shows up, she tells Michonne that some of her kids aren’t with her and she wants to go get them. Jocelyn is hurt and Michonne’s about to pop, so neither of them go. But this is interesting. The three people who go to get her kids in the one building are Gabriel, Aaron, and Eugene.

It was Eugene that really caught my eye. I started going, “hmm. What could this foreshadow?” And I don’t know the answer in detail, but I think it may foreshadow his entanglement with Beth’s return in some way. And of course Aaron and Gabe are both major proxies for Beth, with Gabe being the resident Sirius character. So yeah, kind of side-eyeing that.

The next thing is that we see two hand-drawn posters detailing, through pictures, how to skin and drain both a deer and a rabbit. These are things Jocelyn has obviously made to teach the kids to survive. And I know we noticed them before, with the deer and rabbit being big Beth symbols. But I’m seeing a much bigger theme, having watched the episode several times.

The poster of the deer shows the deer strung up by its legs (head pointed down, I assume). Then, after they bring all the kids to Alexandria, we see several deer strung up this way, and Michonne comments that Jocelyn’s kids are amazing hunters. So, we learn that two of them, Winnie, the blond, and Linus, one of the boys, killed the deer and even prepared them for everyone at Alexandria.

But here’s where it gets more interesting. When Jocelyn captures Daryl and Michonne, she strings them up over pipes in exactly the way the deer being slaughtered are strung up. And of course she brands them like animals. So, in a way, they’re meant to be the deer that she’s going to slaughter.

And I’m not even sure exactly what to make of that where the deer symbol is concerned. I thought about how killing the deer does keep people from the danger of starving to death, so it fits with Deer = Tractor = getting rid of the threat, as I discussed HERE. But I also wonder if deer is synonymous with captivity in some way.

Then there’s the rabbit. I have less to say about it except that the biggest place we saw rabbits were around Lizzie and Mica. And the poster specifically lays out how to kill a rabbit, which is what Lizzie did to Mica. And I think it works here because we’re dealing with evil kids. Like Lizzie. (I will have more to say about the rabbit theory next week. We’ll see them in a big way in 11x01.)

This is where I’m going to link it to the good twin vs evil twin theme. Remember I talked about this with Noah’s twin brothers and of course Lizzie and Mica, even though they aren’t twins. I don’t think we have to have twins or even siblings for this theme, though it’s common for them to do it with siblings like Lizzie/Mica and even Daryl/Merle. Back in S4, there was Pete and his brother as well.

It occurred to me that we have a representation of it here, with Michonne/Judith on one side and Jocelyn/Winnie on the other. Sorry to go racial, but even the ethnicities match up. Michonne, a black woman with a Caucasian daughter (Judith) who isn’t biologically hers (good). And Jocelyn, a black woman with a Caucasian daughter (Winnie) who isn’t biologically hers (evil). See what I mean?

One scene that really jumps out at me is when Michonne and Jocelyn talk in the kitchen. Jocelyn goes out of her way to REALLY earn Michonne’s trust in that scene. Michonne even says, “I’m so glad you’re here,” so she’s obviously fully trusting and loving having her friend around. This is the biggest place where we see Jocelyn’s “mask.”

Then, when Michonne and Daryl are on the swings, Michonne says, “she was a friend. Like, a real one.” She talks about how they’d been through a lot together before, like heartbreak, losing parents, etc. And then she says, “I wanted it to be that way again. I believed her. I let my guard down. I should have known. Should have sensed something.”

Okay, so many ways I could go with that. First of all, it’s REALLY close to what Carol said about Lizzie. “I should have seen it. It was already there.” So, another link to Lizzie/Mica.

But I was also thinking that I can see Daryl thinking this about Leah. Like, he wanted to believe that she would stay with him, that he could love her, but it was all just a mask.

Okay, that may feel like it came out of left field, but it’s essentially where I’m going with this. Let me keep going and I’ll circle back.

When Scars first aired, I said I thought Jocelyn was an anti-Beth parallel. I don’t think many people agreed with me, but I believe that more than ever. And @wdway’s X/Chevron stuff actually backs it up. My biggest reasoning, originally, was just all the child/baby stuff around Beth. I can see her doing something similar to this—raising an army of mini-Daryls—but of course she would be good and raise them with good values. Jocelyn will be a foil to her.

Watching it again, there are SO many Beth symbols around this Jocelyn story. There’s the deer and rabbit, which I’ve mentioned. At one point, Gabriel is telling a story to all of Jocelyn’s kids, and he covers one of his eyes, showcasing only his Sirius eye. We have Eugene going to find the kids. And of course, the X-shaped brands in Michonne and Daryl’s backs, which is where the Chevron stuff comes in.

So, one way or the other, I feel like this is a foreshadow of something to do with Beth and/or her return.

Then, at the end, I paid close attention to what Michonne says to Judith, and I picked up on a few things that had never registered for me before. Remember that, in this episode, they juxtapose these Jocelyn flashbacks with Daryl coming to Alexandria with Lydia and Henry, and Michonne doesn’t want them to stay, but Judith does, etc. And at the end, Judith takes off on her bicycle and Michonne has to go find her.

So, at the end, they’re sitting on the rock together and Michonne is telling Judith about the Jocelyn situation. She says that when Judith came out of the trailer, it “was like you were looking right at me and didn’t know it was me. I thought you’d changed, or that I’d lost you.” (Emphasis mine.)

Think about that. It’s a really odd thing to say about a two- or three-year-old kid. Like she thought Judith had turned evil or something. And I think plot-wise, she means that she thought Judith would think differently of her because she’d just killed all these kids. Michonne had a lot of guilt about that. But it’s a really odd wording, and kind of hearkens back to the mask symbol. People wearing masks, appearing to be something they aren’t.

We’ve also discussed extensively the idea of Beth’s memory loss: (X, X.) Maybe her seeing Carol but not knowing who she is, or Daryl seeing or hearing Beth but not believing it’s really her. It just sort of plays into the whole hallucination theme obliquely.

Judith then says that Michonne just didn’t look like herself because of all the blood, but after a moment, she saw it was her. So, more masks. And Michonne was kind of right. At first, Judith really didn’t recognize her, or at least thought she looked like someone else. More of the same theme.

But that bicycle is a big deal. It’s showcased obviously in the episode, and bikes almost always represent kidnapping or captivity. We saw them around Glenn in S1 when he was taken by the Vatos gang. We saw one outside the Claimer house when Rick got away. I feel like this foreshadows Judith being kidnapped. She already was once by Jocelyn. But Michonne sees that bike in the present-day scenes, which makes them a foreshadow, not a callback.

So, I’ll be the first to admit that this is mostly speculation and at least half head canon, but I’m really wondering if Leah and Beth will be the good and evil to one another. (This is obviously going to be the case in terms of a good/healthy vs unhealthy romantic relationships. And if Leah is a hallucination, and Beth will obviously be real, you can already see how they’re doing this with Beth and Leah.)

Leah is wearing a mask when Daryl is with her. And once again, she may not be totally evil like Jocelyn was. But she may be misrepresenting herself in some way. Toxic at the least, evil at the most. But maybe the reason she’s practically wearing Beth’s clothes is that she’s a foil or anti-parallel to Beth.

And you see what I mean about how, if Leah turns out to be a hallucination, clearly this won’t apply to her in a literal way.

I still think there’s a good chance she’s a hallucination, but I think this still applies. It wouldn’t be literal or physical if that’s the case, but she’s still the “bad” relationship as opposed to the good one Daryl will have with Beth. We all talked extensively about how unhealthy the relationship was right after 10x18 aired. How Leah gave him an ultimatum, didn’t seem to want to meet his family, etc. So, you can see that, real or not, the relationships will be juxtaposed, with one being good and the other, bad.

The other thing want to mention is that it’s interesting that they did this story (Scars) with Michonne instead of Daryl. It makes me think that something about Michonne and Rick’s reunion story might follow this template as well.

We’ve discussed how Leah might be part of the New Mexico symbolism, and I’ve had people message me that they’re afraid that when Daryl and Carol take off together for the spinoff, he’ll be looking for Leah. Now, I obviously don’t think he would be looking for her in a romantic/looking-for-Beth sort of way, but it’s possible that she may be involved.

And like I said at the beginning, I think there’s a good chance of parallels between Leah and Jocelyn, because they both happened during the 6-year time jump, and then there’s all the other ties like, “are you okay being alone,” the mask theme, and that Carol knew about her/the acorn conversation.

I’m actually thinking this less and less, now. I really don’t think the New Mexico symbolism will be fulfilled until the spinoff, and we already know Leah will be in s11. So, I suppose if she survives S11 (and depending on whether she’s real or not) she COULD still be involved, but the timelines just don’t seem to match up to me. At least, not right now. This may change depending on what S11 brings us.

So, total conjecture here, but I’m really wondering if Leah (or if not her, someone else Jocelyn foreshadowed) will kidnap Judith, and that’s why Daryl and Carol leave to go after her. It would fit with the TWB template for Daryl and Carol (Felix and Huck on TWB) to be following Judith (Hope and Iris on TWB). If so, Daryl might really might be following Leah to New Mexico, but not out some romantic inclination, but rather because she took the kids.

Another possibility, of course, is that Leah is real, but Daryl was drugged or is just remembering things wrong. If that ends up being the case, then this could still happen. But again, we’ll just have to wait and see.

So yeah. Let’s just say I have plenty of head canons filed away in which Beth kicks some evil Leah butt. I would enjoy that very much. :D Granted, it probably won’t play out quite that neatly for us, but that’s what head canons are for, right?

And as I said, I can’t be sure this has to do with Leah. It’s possible this storyline is completely independent of Leah, and she’ll be something else entirely. But I think something like this will happen either way. And I’m sure I’ll recognize it as fulfillment when it does.

Any thoughts?

#beth greene #beth greene lives #beth is alive #beth is coming #td theory #td theories #team delusional #team defiance #beth is almost here #bethyl

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urlocalbunny · 3 years

Note

*kneels down before you* MA'AM. NEIL CONTENT PLEASE? MA'AM. can you make gramps be the feralest man alive?

ask, and you shall receive, my sweet, ominous Bal.

The chilly wind hit the trees outside Eloise's room, making her set down her mug on the balcony table to open the window, bring her things in and settle on the bed instead. She almost left her cup there. The storm outside roared. She sighed, a worried frown on her face.

"I hope there will be no thunder... I should check on Ethan."

The girl moved from her curtains to the door, only to hear a bang on the glass. She jumped, clutching her chest. The shadow in the window was nothing but a tree branch. She locked the window, moving to the door again. Aaron was already home since the full moon was gone. Passing through the halls and rooms, she could see each vampire. At least they weren't going to get the flu or something. The house creaked under her feet. Eloise was never fond of storms herself because they were ominous and brought memories.

She found Ethan in the kitchen, pouring himself a beer. Eloise knew he was still feisty, but when she silently extended two earplugs, he smiled gratefully and put them on, sipping his beer. Eloise gave him a pat on the head, then left. After a while of being friends and trying to get along with her, the vampires deemed her very fitting. Eloise found herself getting used to vampires around because living alone was scary, especially after surviving the fall from the window.

She remembers drinking a lot of blood that wasn't hers. She could've called the police on them, but she realized that having six men living with her wasn't a bad idea, especially if they had at least 30 years old. Strange for some people, but it was a win-win situation for everyone.

Of course, Neil came and was gone when Asmodée died (which was more proof that she should keep these guys around), and she contemplated asking them to turn her many, many times. She was still making up her mind. But something about them allured her. Something about never dying. About hunting, learning as much as them. Being as smart, seeing the world go round and round under her feet while she never changed. She had nothing to lose.

Maybe that also came from the fact that Neil entranced her in ways she knew she shouldn't be thinking about, but just the fact that he could control a demon and fight for his own life mesmerized her. His will to live, the way he drank her blood and left to live as much as he could. She wondered what types of things the man did. Where he went, who he could be with- No. That was too much.

"Shit!" She hissed, running to close it. She was pretty sure she secured the window before checking up on Ethan and looking for the others before it rained. That was weird. She let out a frustrated sigh, pressing her fingers against the mug and feeling the heat coming from it. The coffee was still too hot, so she grabbed a few rags to dry the floor. The noises were dull and calming, but the weather made everything creepier. She kneeled on the floor, trying her best to use the rags to drain the water, but before she had the chance to take them back to finish, she felt two drops on her back.

But it was the truth. Eloise wished she could have seen it up close. She could only use a telescope she had gotten from Aaron when they became friends. The girl remembers seeing his golden eyes from afar, mouth dripping with that black, strange blood. She felt this incredible urge to follow. But she knew he could kill her even after they knew each other's motivations.

Every night, her heart would clench when she remembered him towering over her. The sweet yet masculine and sickening scent he had engraved on her mind. Eloise walked around a little more. Then she found herself back in her room. She was never good at sleeping during the night, so she just stood there, thinking about what to do now that the pitter-patter of the rain slammed violently against the roof. Her eyes wandered to the window again.

They were cold and came from somewhere like the ceiling. Eloise grabbed the bucket she was using to wring the rags and put it on the places where the droplets fell, moving to the side and continuing her task. Then more droplets fell on her back, this time, followed by a snort. She gasped, looking up. Those eyes of his shone in the dim lights. His hair was down and parted to one side, as long as she could remember. The black button-up was clinging to his slender but muscular figure. Her eyes were directly in front of his crotch.

He had this nasty smile on his face, but she didn't yell. It wasn't worth it. He seemed way healthier. His eyes didn't have that crazy glimmer of the first time they met.

She sighed blissfully, looking up at him. Neil didn't expect such complacent behavior from the human, given how much she loved to argue, but he wasn't going to complain.

"Are you going to kill me?"

"Not quite. I can't do what I was thinking about doing if you're dead." Eloise crawled away to get a better look, resting her head against the glass and listening to him. "You know... I have been thinking this whole time I had been in here. It was one of the only things I could do." He crouched to get to her eye level, watching how her panties showed through the skirt.

"I kept telling myself you were just like your parents and I was doomed, but it was your idea that made me join your friends to get my freedom back. The thing is, you are just like them in a way. You're clever."

"Uh- thanks? What are you trying to-"

"Say? I remembered the things you used to say now that my judgment isn't so clouded. I remember how you smell... How your voice sounds... Your small giggles and even when you have fun by yourself... You know what I mean." Eloise gasped, eyes never leaving his, while he checked her out.

"When I saw you for the first time, it was almost sad to have to kill you when you looked like this. You look so pure, so... Sweet." His finger approached slowly and touched her warm, soft knee. She didn't flinch. "You can tell me if you want me to stop, doll."

Eloise opened her leg slightly and pulled the hem of her dress up enough to show him her lace panties. Her eyes were as clear as day when he held her thigh and slid his wet hand against it. His jaw clenched, eyes shining ominously in the dark. Neil pounced, kissing her urgently, a groan leaving his lips as if he'd been waiting. Eloise's tongue went out to play with his. The faint taste of iron mixed with Neil's made her suck in a breath. It tastes good.

Neil was surprised. He expected more talking and less... Of this, but she was so intoxicating that he was gone as soon as she opened her legs. Tiny groans filled the room as Neil held her thigh to keep it open, but soon that wasn't enough contact, and he grasped the back of her neck with the other hand, pushing forward and placing her on the floor, letting his weight fall on top of her. Her legs locked themselves on his hips, and her hands looked for his shirt's buttons, undoing them as fast as she could. Neil couldn't have enough of her little mouth, but it didn't mean he had to kiss her forever.

Neil smiled lovingly at her, watching her hands work on his shirt clumsily.

"You're so pretty like this..." He whispered in her ear, a sly grin spreading across his beautiful face. She whined, looking for his mouth again, but he moved to rip the top of her dress, making her yelp. His mouth attached to one nipple. Eloise was already damp from Neil's clothes, so his hot mouth sucking on her nipple made her shiver. He rolled his eyes, sucking on one nipple while he groped the other breast. Eloise moaned, leaning her head back and showing him her pale, delicate neck. His eyes darted towards her face, contorted in pleasure. His hands ripped the rest of the dress, then pulled her panties as quick as he could.

His hand found itself on her hair, yanking it forward and making her kneel. Eloise didn't waste any time and stripped him fully. Her eyes were hazy, her body wet and bare just for him. He stood up and kicked his unbuttoned pants aside. She licked her lips, opening her mouth slightly to accommodate his length. He sighed, seeing this was too much for him. He felt his resolve breaking way too quickly.

He moaned when she lost patience, sucking on his tip and licking the slit. He loved how her face showed how much she liked the taste and her hands roamed on his thighs. Her lips closed around the head, making eye contact as she put more and more on her mouth. It was too much. He thrust forward slightly, making her moan in approval, and pull him towards her with her hands.

He started with a slow pace, but she groaned in frustration. His hand squeezed her fringe and pulled her head towards him, thrusting quicker than before. Her gagging sounds and moans filled the room. He kept his eyes shut as her hands caressed him, hissing and moaning from time to time as her throat closed in on him. The pleasure was almost blinding. She was so, so sweet that he could cum on her face just from this. However, he pulled out to have her sucking him again and pumping what she couldn't take without his help. Her eyes were teary and pleading. Neil could only comply. He kneeled, opening her legs to accommodate himself in between them, and barely waited, testing out the waters to see if she was ready, then sliding in. He'd thought about that for days.

"Neil, fuck me. Please." He hissed, bottoming out. She rubbed her clit while he held her fringe again, groaning in her ear. His mouth found her perky nipple he left before, sucking on it, then her neck, where he created as many marks as he could, cherishing every moan and plead she gave him.

"Pretty one... You don't know what you've gotten yourself into." His voice felt strained as his hips began to slap against hers. It was hard to get used to the pace. Eloise gasped, rubbing her clit and enjoying the near overstimulation he was providing her. He pulled on her hair, keeping her head on the floor as he had his way with her. Eloise keened, arching her back and smiling at him. Her expression was full of some wicked form of peace and bliss.

Neil didn't care about the slapping sounds or the way Eloise's whimpers crossed the door for sure. His mind was somewhere else entirely. The vampire pushed her legs further apart, pressing his upper body against hers. He felt her perky nipples dragging against his chest, his hips dragging ever so slightly on her fingers that worked on the small bud between her legs.

Eloise clawed at his damp back, both of them panting and moaning, kissing and letting go. When the brunette rolled her eyes and shut her mouth, he practically cried.

"Yes, yes, this is it, give it to me!"

Eloise's legs trembled, her back arching off the wet floor and closing the little space between them. Neil didn't let up until he was gasping for air, cumming inside her for all he was worth. They both panted, silent. The house didn't creak. The others were probably alone in a room, thinking about which one of them could be doing this to her. Probably wishing it was them? Maybe. But tonight, Neil was the only one.

"Are you ever going to be mad at me for everything that hap-"

"Stay. Just for tonight."

"...I suppose it's too late to leave without being noticed anyways."

#moonlight lovers #moonlight lovers headcanons #moonlight lovers neil #neil x eloise #nsfwbunny #grampa #moonlight lovers smut #ml neil

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pieces-by-me · 4 years

Text

For Them

Words: 1868

Warnings: angst, mention of death, tears?

Summary: Having Thomas bring back hope for you when you couldn’t see any. Deep conversations on a beach.

'What now?'

That one question buzzed around your head for the last couple of weeks. Almost all the people you loved and called family were dead.

Alby, your leader for the longest time. Your brother, even if not by blood, sacrificed himself. You knew him the longest, because when he was in the maze alone for the first month you came up with the supplies. Imagine the shock on both of your faces when you slowly realized that you had to fight everyday to survive and on top of that being the only girl for almost three years. But you two stuck together threw everything. God you missed him tremendously.

Dean, the one that always made you smile even when you were about to give up hope. He was one of the builders and he made sure that your room in the shack was always draft free. He got impaled by one of the Grievers when all of you were fighting at the cliff. You could still hear his screams.

Chuck, the little ray of sunshine. He was the youngest and smallest out of all of the boys and he was only there for a month. You weren't that close to him, him being a Slopper and you a med jack made conversations and interactions rare. But when you found time you cherished these moments. He was so pure and unsoiled. It was refreshing.

Winston. Poor Winston. Surviving the Glade and everything else WICKED threw at them just to get infected by a virus that slowly ate him alive and turned him into something else. You would never get the image of him crawling towards the gun with pleading words of death out of your head. You didn't know what was worse. The images of him or the heartbreaking sound of a gunshot silencing everything else as you left him behind. You knew it was what he wanted but still it broke your heart.

So many other boys that you loved and cherished had similar stories.

Kaleb who didn't make it back in time and got crushed between the maze doors.

Sam who got thrown off the cliff while you all were fighting.

Jeff, your fellow med jack, who got electrocuted by lightning.

Max, Ben, Steven, John, George, Leo, Pyke, Aaron, Rick, Alex, Newt.... Oh god Newt.

This sweet soul that just wanted for his family to be save and got tortured and mangled until he couldn't go on anymore. All because of WICKED. Always WICKED. The picture of the knife that stuck inside his torso. The eyes that weren't sparkling with light but glazed over with nothingness . The hair that stuck in wild places because of the sweat and blood. Veins that run up his whole body and looked like snakes that slowly strangled him. The blood...

“Hey Y/N!”

Only now did you realize that you had been crying.

“Hey I've been calling your name all the way over her...are you okey?”

Thomas was slowly walking towards your hunched figure that sat on the beach. He didn't realize that you had been trapped inside your own mind until he was in front of you and saw the tears running down your face.

You were glad that Thomas interrupted your dark thoughts. Everyone on the Island, this so called “Save Haven”, was sometimes trapped in their own heads and if you're unlucky it wasn't so easy to break free from the gloomy images paying on loop in your head. With shaky hands, that just wouldn't stop trembling, you hastily wipe away the tears that continue to run down your face while putting on a fake smile.

“Yeah of course I'm ok” Thomas went around you to look into your eyes. His back was turned to the ocean. The crashing of waves was a soothing scenery to a conversation that would be anything else but calming or soothing. He knew exactly what you were doing, because he does it with all the time with his other friends too.

With just a sigh and a tone you knew all to well he started. “Y/N”

“What? I am.”

“We both know that that's not true. You can tell me you know?” He went beside you and took your left hand into his bigger right one. You still don't understand why he had that effect on you but as soon as his hand enclosed yours the trembling stopped.

“But I am.” Your voice turned colder than what it was a few minutes ago. Sure your voice was a little wobbly and raw but he liked that more than this distant robotic tone you were using now. “I'm not dead. I'm not infected with a virus that eats my brain. I'm have food for the rest of my life and I get to live on this ridiculously beautiful island only because we ran away and left the world to burn so yeah. Why the hell wouldn't I be ok?!” You didn't mean to yell at him but with all the dug up memories that played inside your mind only minutes ago and then him questioning your words made you just snap.

Thomas didn't say anything and just sat there next to you. After a few minutes you squeezed his hand and let out a shuddering breath. Tears were again prickling in your eyes and you knew that no matter what you would do they would drop.

Your voice was small when you began talking again.

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you I just..” They were falling now. “How the hell are we supposed to be fine and happy when we basically ran away and left everyone behind?” You were looking at him now. Directly into his eyes, almost begging him to have an answer. He looks right back with tears building inside his own. Desperately wanting to give you everything you asked off him and more.

“Thomas how are we.. ” Your voice broke half way trough his name. “How are we meant to live like this? With all that we've been through and just be ok?”

He had to strain his hearing to understand everything you said between sobs and hiccups.

But as soon as everything made sense he let go of your hand to take your head between his. With his thumb he wiped away the waterfall of tears that just wouldn't stop.

“We're not.” That was not the answer you thought would come out of his mouth. His voice was quiet but steady. Final and true. You were about to ask him why the hell he even asked then if you were ok in the first place.

He didn't make any sense.

But right as your mouth opened he began talking again.

“Right now we're not ok. We don't need to lie about that. What we went through, what we had to endure to find this place and..” One single tear ran down his cheek. And just like he did for you, you took hold of his face and graced his cheek to erase any evidence of tears.

“..the people we had to leave behind or were taken from us..” His eyes never left yours while he brought his forehead to yours.

“...no one could just be ok with any of that. If you were I would seriously think you're not right in the head.” That brought a slight chuckle out of you. He couldn't hear it, but you were close enough for him to feel it. It stopped as soon as you let it out. 'Not right in the head.' Not like someone with the Flare.

He could see in your eyes that your thoughts were about to turn dark again. So he started again to keep you with him on the beach.

“But now we have a save place were we can get to a point where we are ok. Where we can actually grieve for our friends, homes we never had and anything else they took from us. We can grieve all the time we lost with everyone who is now a name carved into the stone.”

He knew that this was not something you wanted to hear but he had to say it.

“And after we did that, after we get over that point we get more and more moments where we can imagine to be ok. We get to laugh more. We get to enjoy the food Frypan cooks for us again. We might even dance around the bonfire like we did back in the Maze.

And after all that, after we learned how to be ok for these moments, we will not have to pretend to be it but we will truly be fine and healed.”

With ever word Thomas said your tears flowed more. This time only not out of hopelessness but because Thomas had done it again. He gave you a little bit of hope. With only his soothing words, small strokes with his thumb over your cheeks and an honest look in his eyes you couldn't help yourself but believe him. He was good at it. Giving speeches and brining hope and light to bleak situations. It was the reason you made it to the Save Haven. Him motivating you to keep going, always keep going.

The small smile that grew on your face was the first real one you showed since you came to this island and Thomas was filled with relief and a bit of happiness. He put that smile there. He gave you hope. And now he wants to give you a reason to keep going.

“We will be fine and happy one day. Because survived everything that was thrown in our way and because our friends sacrificed everything for us to be here. We will do it so we can truly be free. And we do it for them. For everyone thats not on our island.” Thomas oped that that was not one too far. It was risky but he just wants you to try and move forward.

Releasing a breath, that somehow got stuck in your throat, you lifted your head off of his, scooted closer to his side and laid your head on his shoulder, looking outside the wide ocean. The wind that picked up a little and spray was in the air. Smelling of salt and sea.

Thomas knew that you thought about his words. But the fact that you had your head on his shoulder and that your hands were still tightly held in each other showed him that he had done at least something right.

“For them huh?”

Now it was his face that grew a true smile. He had you there. Knowing you would not necessarily try to mend your mind for yourself, always wanting to make sure that everyone else was save or taken care of first. He knew that you would try for them, but also for everyone that was on this island. And also eventually you would do it for you. And he couldn't wait to hear you lively laugh again that back then filled the whole maze.

#maze runner #maze runner imagine #maze runner x reader #thomas #thomas a2 #thomas imagine #thomas x reader #dylon obrian #imagine #imagines #scorch tarils #death cure #my work

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bijvoorbeeldja · 4 years

Text

never have I ever -- sobbe one-shot

inspired by the lovely prompt from @braimemystical! sorry it took so long, bb!

.............

Everyone was already a few drinks when Jana abruptly stood up from the couch, stumbling slightly with a laugh as Jens steadied her.

That weekend, they’d all been uninterested in attending any of the parties their classmates were throwing, instead migrating together to Sander’s apartment to talk and drink and probably, fall asleep on top of each other on the small couches before the night was over.

After Jana got up, she began pushing chairs and tables out of the way, turning the music down, and ushering everyone into a circle on the floor.

Sander had only recently moved out of his parent’s house, now living by himself in a one-room studio closer to his school and his weekend job at a local art gallery. Technically, Robbe still lived with his parents, but he was such a frequent visitor at Sander’s place, that he had his own drawers in the boy’s bedroom dresser, a spare toothbrush in the bathroom, and a side of the bed he preferred. While the apartment was still sparse, Sander had added his own artsy touches, including modern-style furniture and framed artwork of Robbe, which Jens and Moyo promptly teased him for when they first entered, jabbing him in the arm and raising their eyebrows.

Now, Jana was breathlessly manhandling the furniture, then grabbing a few nearly-full bottles of vodka as she plopped on the ground, announcing that they were officially starting a rousing game of “Never Have I Ever.”

There were a few groans as everyone shuffled from their comfortable positions. Robbe, who had been sitting on Sander’s lap nursing his second beer, whined as Sander slid him off his lap, setting his drink down and rubbing his hands together in excitement.

“Ooooh,” he crooned. “A game! Let’s do this.” He joined Jana on the floor, pulling Robbe with him, then starting to pour drinks into shot glasses she was lining up. Amber and Aaron joined them, hands still intertwined. Jens clapped Moyo on the back and they finally heaved themselves off the couch and into the makeshift circle on the floor.

“Okay, I’ll start,” Sander said, cracking his knuckles dramatically and stretching his neck as if bracing himself for war. He held up a shot glass, filled to the brim, liquid teetering out as he spoke.

“Never have I ever…” he bit his lip, thinking as he stared into the distance. Then he got a wicked grin on his face, glancing over at Robbe. “Never have I ever cried during Call Me By Your Name.”

“Sander!” Robbe shouted, shoving his arm, sending the liquid spilling out of his glass. “You were never supposed to mention that! It was one time! I had something in my eye!”

Everyone was laughing and Robbe blushed, his lips forming a pout that Sander reached over to kiss.

“It was so adorable, baby! I couldn’t resist! My sensitive boyfriend.” He purred.

Robbe palmed a hand over his face, as if trying to wipe the blush from his cheeks.

“Drink up, IJzermans!” Jens yelled over the noise.

Everyone watched in shock as Moyo, too, held up a glass, clinking it to Robbe’s as they both downed their shot.

“You, too, man?” Jens said, breaking out into a new bout of laughter that had him doubled over.

“It’s an emotional movie!” Moyo said, shaking away their teasing. “That shit caused some serious waterworks, man. I won’t even lie.”

Sander laughed between the kisses he was still planting on Robbe’s pouting lips, willing him to smile, which he finally did as Jens announced it was his turn.

“Never have I ever,” he began, thinking. “...sung karaoke!”

“Are you kidding?” Jana shouted, incredulous. “That’s like a rite of passage! We’re doing that for our next hangout, for sure.” She held up her glass before downing it, joined by Aaron, Zoe, Moyo, and Sander.

“How did you not know that?” Jens asked, smiling playfully at Jana. “Didn’t we date?”

“Oh, shut up,” Jana said, shoving him lightly. “Just because we hooked up doesn’t mean we know everything about each other.”

“Ooooh, drama!” Aaron cooed, clapping his hands excitedly. “I knew this game was a good idea.”

“On that note,” Jana interjected, still smiling, “I think it’s my turn!” She rubbed her hands together, bracing herself. She was looking off into the distance, thinking, then suddenly looked over at Robbe. “Never have I ever….have a crush on my best friend...of the same sex.”

Robbe’s eyes widened, a bright blush creeping us his cheeks. Everyone was oooooh-ing now, looking from Robbe to Jens, then excitedly to Sander.

“C’mon,” Jana urged, lifting her eyebrows. “Drink up, Robbe!”

“Okay, that was like years ago, Jana,” Robbe whined, gazing sheepishly at Sander, looking for signs of anger or hurt. “I was still figuring everything out and didn’t even know I had feelings for Jens!”

Sander was smiling, looking down with his tongue in his cheek.

“I can’t believe you had the hots for Jens,” Moyo said, shaking his head and laughing.

“Hey!” Jens yelled out, a look of mock-offense on his face. “What do you mean? Of course Robbe had a crush on me! I mean, look at me!”

Jana scoffed and rolled her eyes, while Aaron was shaking his head and rubbing his hands over his face. “We could’ve had a Broerrrs romance,” he said. “Wild.”

“Not even,” Robbe said defiantly. “Nothing was ever going to happen there. Obviously. The only boy I’ve ever been in love with — the only one I’ll ever be in love with — is Sander.” He looked desperately at Sander, searching for any sign that he was offended by the turn this conversation had taken. Sander eye’s were bright, sparkling at him.

“Awww,” Jana and Zoe squealed to each other. “That’s precious.”

“Watch out, Sander,” Jens teased, “I might come back to steal yo’ mans. You know he had the hots for me.”

“Sander,” Robbe pleaded, ignoring Jens. “You know that there was nothing between Jens and I, right?” He reached for Sander’s hand, who squeezed it back reassuringly.

“You’re about to get real drunk, baby,” Sander said then, smirking. “‘Cause it’s my turn.”

Robbe swallowed, blushing a deeper shade of pink, downing the punishment his last revealing “have I ever.”

“Never have I ever…” Sander began, still not taking his eyes off Robbe. “...begged for cyber sex five nights in row.”

“Daaaaaaaamn,” Moyo said, looking away and play-fanning himself with his hand. “It just got hot in here.”

“Sander!” Robbe hush-squealed at him, the second time that evening. “We are not going to talk about our sex life in front of everyone!”

“Drink up, IJzermans,” Sander said, wiggling his eyebrows. Robbe poured into his shot glass from the big bottle in the middle of the floor, then drank it quickly, still flushed. Sander licked his lips, watching him intently.

“Um, do we need to leave the room?” Amber said, embarrassed.

“Well,” Moyo smirked. “Apparently Robbe likes the virtual stuff, so…”

Robbe blushed again, looking down. “No, we’re going to behave ourselves now,” he said, quietly. “Right, Sander?”

“Speak for yourself,” Sander said grinning, while Robbe groaned.

“Oh-kay,” Zoe said, clapping her hands. Robbe mouthed a thank you at her from across the circle, grateful for the distraction. “My turn!” She rolled her glass between her hands, thinking. “Never have I ever...made a vlog.” She smirked at the broerrrs, lifting her glass, urging them to drink.

“Oh c’mon,” Aaron said, wincing as he swallowed down his shot. “You wish you could be as cool as us.”

Zoe scoffed. “You know, I really don’t.”

Robbe was already starting to feel warm and light, a combination of the alcohol — which he was disproportionately drinking in comparison to everyone else — and the baring of the dirty details of his relationship. He was not going to survive this game. Thinking this, he turned to look at Sander, who was gazing at him, licking his lips.

Oh boy, Robbe thought. Now he was even more woozy. Everyone else’s conversation and laughter around him was blurring and bubbling and Sander’s gaze was hot on him. He tugged at the collar of his shirt, aching for the relief of fresh air.

“....that rapping video?” He heard Jana say. “That was...wow. That was something else.” She busted up into a fit of laughter, Zoe and Amber joining in.

“What?!” Jens shouted. “That was one of our best!” More laughter erupted from the girls.

“Okay, okay, that’s enough,” Moyo said, quieting everyone. “I’ll remember this conversation when we’re famous.”

Jana scoffed and Amber shook her head.

“Who’s next?” Moyo asked, looking around, settling with a smirk on Sander. “Jack Frost? Got anything else you want to share about our boy?”

“Nooooo,” Robbe objected, slurring slightly. “No more from you, you hear me?” He shook his empty shot glass at Sander.

“Oh, like what?” Sander said, shrugging innocently. “I mean, you’d be surprised what Robbe has done….but then we’d be here all night and Robbe would be even more drunk than he already is.

More oooohs filled the room, and Robbe couldn’t take it. Loopy and overheated, he launched at Sander, tackling him to the ground and pressing a finger to his lips. “Quiet, you!”

Sander eyes widened, and he leaned up to kiss Robbe, his finger caught between their kiss.

Ooohs turned to ewwwws quickly as Sander started pulling Robbe closer, ignoring their friends around them as he connected their lips and refused to let go.

“Aaaaaand that,” Jens said, shifting to stand, “is our cue to exit.”

Everyone scrambled to escape the PDA, Jana doubling back with a hand shielding her eyes to grab the bottle of alcohol and run back to catch up with the exiting crew.

“Do you think I was going to let you just sit there looking so hot and suffer through talk about your crush on Jens?” Sander leaned up to whisper in Robbe’s ear, nipping it softly. “I needed to get everyone out of here. Fast.”

Robbe just pulled back, looking at him with heavy breath. Before he leaned down to give Sander a passionate kiss, he heard Jens yell from the doorway.

“Use protection, you two!”

#wtfock #wtfock fanfic #wtfic #never have i ever #finally finished this thank you for your patience #send me more prompts plz

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pixiegrl · 3 years

Text

It’s a New Kind of Empty

"Ashton’s a good five drinks in when he thinks that maybe this wasn’t his best idea. Of course, Ashton is well on his way to being drunk at this point, so the idea is incredibly unhelpful. In the hazy lights of the bar, music pounding around him and people shouting, he thinks that maybe this is the reason Luke broke up with him in the first place."

Or Ashton hasn't been doing well since his breakup with Luke. He gets an unexpected second chance.

This is dedicated to @lifewasradical. She loves The Wonder Years and Aaron West and showed me them. We were listening to "Bloodied Up in a Bar Fight," and I said "ashton song?" and well. I wrote this for this song and for her. Amanda, I love you and I love our music nights and our fic nights and I just. I don't have the words to describe how much I love you so I hope this gift will do. I hope everyone enjoys this.

TW for: alcohol, alcohol references, fighting, bar fighting, slight homophobic language, blood mention, post break-up (with a little hope at the end. I’m me, this couldn’t be all angst).

On ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29033322

Ashton’s a good five drinks in when he thinks that maybe this wasn’t his best idea. Of course, Ashton is well on his way to being drunk at this point, so the idea is incredibly unhelpful. In the hazy lights of the bar, music pounding around him and people shouting, he thinks that maybe this is the reason Luke broke up with him in the first place. He’s a drunk, miserable, sitting in this bar day after day mourning the end of his relationship with Luke. The only reason he’s not here everyday is because he’s not stupid; he alternates his time between here, another bar a little further away, and drinking himself into a stumpor on his own couch, crying until he falls asleep and does it all over again the next day. He feels like a ghost the last month, but at least ghosts have a purpose. Ashton’s horrified to discover that without band responsibilities and without boyfriend responsibilities he doesn’t know who he is anymore. He’s just someone taking up space, existing in the world without actually existing.

It’s been a month. It’s been a whole 31 days since he and Luke broke up, or rather, since Luke decided he wanted to end the relationship. Although, that implies that Ashton didn’t have a hand in this either. One year of dating, of building their life together, gone. All because Luke wanted to come out to the world, tell everyone that they were dating, together, happy, and Ashton just...couldn’t. He doesn’t like sharing his life with the world, likes having some form of privacy, just isn’t ready for that. They’d gone round and round in circles, tense and angry, until they’d finally broken and Luke had snapped that maybe they shouldn’t be together at all if Ashton wasn’t ready for it. Ashton had snapped back that maybe they should if Luke wouldn’t respect Ashton’s wishes and all it had taken was a few harsh, cruel words, designed to hurt, for the two of them to call it quits. Ashton hasn’t seen Luke since then, took all his shit with him that night and went back to his place. Ashton doesn’t want to be the first one to reach out, can’t bring himself to call Luke and Luke hasn’t reached out either. It’s been a tense month of avoidance, dancing around the subject with Michael and Calum when prompted.

Which leads Ashton to here, sitting at a bar, nursing his misery in yet another glass of tequila. It makes him sadder, drinking the thing he knows Luke enjoys, but Ashton can’t bring himself to stop. He wants to get drunk and he wants to forget and he wants to drink enough that maybe the pain will stop. It’s become horrifying that without Luke, Ashton doesn’t know how to structure his life. Even before they were dating, so much of Ashton’s life revolved around the band and Luke. They haven’t really spend a day apart since fucking 2011. It’s like a severed limb, having to survive without Luke, not being able to text Luke, tell Luke about his day, share music with him. Ashton’s not sure the pain will ever go away, doesn’t know what he’ll do when they actually have to do promo for the album, go to interviews, go on tour. Having to see Luke everyday, but not being able to touch him, hold him, kiss him.

Ashton knocks back the rest of his drink, tries to wave down the bartender to order another drink. He knows he’ll have to argue with the man for it, knows he’s too far gone to actually have another drink, but Ashton’s tired. He’s miserable and he’s tried and he just wants to forget.

To add to Ashton’s misery, the music at the bar changes, the opening bass of Youngblood filtering out through the speakers. Ashton tries to hold back the sob that threatens to leave his chest at the sound of Luke’s voice surrounding him. Ashton’s been purposely avoiding listening to any of their music, knows that if he hears Luke’s voice he’ll really lose it. Ashton’s not prepared to hear it now, drunk and miserable. He wants so badly to take out his phone and text Luke, telling him he’s listening to their song in the bar, but he can’t for many reasons. Ashton’s not supposed to be even drinking. He was doing so good before the break up, actually getting sober, learning to cope in other ways that didn’t involve alcohol. Fucking lot of good that’s done him. Luke will hate to hear that Ashton’s even in a bar, if he doesn’t hate the fact that Ashton’s calling him at all.

“This song is shit. Can’t they play some good music,” a man next to Ashton grumbles to his friends. His friends all laugh. Ashton tries not to take it personally. They’ve been hearing that since they started playing, heard enough jokes about being emos and a boyband and any number of things people have said over the years that Ashton’s used to it. He just wishes he didn’t have to listen to it on top of all the other shit.

“Lead singer sounds like shit. Bet it’s all autotuned.”

“God he’s so whiny. Didn’t they used to tour with that other group of guys? The ones all the girls used to scream about?”

“Fucking boyband. Can’t play their instruments, can’t sing. They’re only famous cause they’re pretty,” the first guy sneers, taking another drink. Ashton tightens his hand around his empty glass, trying to tamper down the anger in his chest. He’s used to hearing this over and over again and he thinks it must be his drunken state that’s making him angrier than usual. Yet another reason why Luke probably decided to end them; Ashton’s an angry drunk who can’t come out to the world.

“If you’re into that. Bunch of fucking pussies. Gay pussies.”

“Whiny, gay pussies. Didn’t they used to call themselves emo?”

“If you could even call it that. Besides, the only pretty one is that lead singer.”

“That’s cause he’s gay. Wearing makeup? Gay,” the guy says. His friends all laugh. Ashton feels the anger in his chest. He can put up with a lot of things, can put up with the criticism of the band and their music, but he can’t listen to people talk shit about Luke. Luke, who’s grown so much over the years, both sonically and personally. Grown into himself, comfortable in his body, in being able to dress how he wants, be who he wants. Luke, who’s taken vocal lessons and practiced over and over again to get to his skill level. He’s worked so hard and these assholes are going to say it’s autotune and call Luke gay because he likes to wear makeup.

“Fuck you!” Ashton shouts, turning to the men. They startle, turning to Ashton, surprised at the outburst.

“What the fuck is your problem dude?”

“You can’t just say that shit! What, cause someone wears makeup they’re gay?”

“Well, if the shoe fits,” the guy says, snorting. Ashton reacts before he can think about it, swinging a fist at the guy. Ashton’s not sure who’s more surprised when his fist catches the guy on the jaw, the guy, Ashton, his friends or the bartender. Ashton doesn’t have time to think about it, the guy immediately swinging back and hitting Ashton the nose. He can hear the crunch, feels the immediate sting of a broken nose and the blood starting to drip down his face. Ashton gives a yell, takes another swing. He can hear the group of guys yelling, hears the bartender shouting, feels someone yanking them apart. It doesn’t stop Ashton from trying to give another good kick, getting another fist to the face, catching his eye this time.

Ashton’s fuzzy about what happens next. He knows the bartender is forcibly trying to drag Ashton and the other guy apart, yelling at them about calling the cops. Ashton’s whole face aches, blood dripping down his face, eye sore, head aching from the impact and the alcohol. God he’s a real fucking mess. If only Luke could see him now, Ashton thinks bitterly, when the cops finally show up, carting him and the other guy off. Ashton’s at least satisfied that he managed to get one good punch in, sees the guy’s jaw is black and blue. He might be a drunk getting arrested, but at least he stood up for Luke. Luke doesn’t deserve to be made fun of when he can’t defend himself. At the very least Ashton can do that.

Ashton finds himself at the police station, floating in and out of it on the drive over. The cop is shaking his head at him, mumbling something about kids and their attitudes. Ashton’s never been handcuffed before. It’s an entirely new experience. God, he’s going to have to explain this to the band. Why he’s been arrested, why he’s got a record now. He’s going to get three disappointed band member looks at the next meeting. Ashton groans, hand dropping back against the chair the cop’s left him in. They’ve taken his phone and his wallet, taken his fingerprints, made him wait while they run the information. He can vaguely hear them talking, trying to decide what to change him and the other guy with. Ashton takes a shaky breath, wincing when he feels his nose throb on the inhale. Ashton’s never broken his nose before, but he imagines this must be what it feels like.Wonderful. Now he’s going to have to explain why his nose is broken, if the gossip sites online aren’t already running stories about how the drummer of 5 Seconds of Summer is getting into bar fights and getting arrested.

The cop comes back, sighing heavily as he sits down at the desk across from Ashton. Ashton tilts his head up, making eye contact with the man across from him. He just looks tired, like he’s gotta deal with guys like Ashton, drunk and disorderly, all the time.

“Mr. Irwin.”

“Yes?”

“You’re very lucky that the man you punched doesn’t want to press charges. We managed to explain to him that since you were both fighting, you would both be at fault here. Since it looks like it’s just bruises and your nose, there’s nothing serious that you could be charged with. You will be charged for drunk and disorderly. We can either hold you overnight until you sober up or you can call someone,” he says, looking expectantly at Ashton.

Ashton’s brain stalls. He can’t call Michael or Calum. If he calls either of them, he’ll have to explain why he can’t call Luke. He’ll have to explain why he’s drunk and sitting in a police station with a broken nose. They’ll ask why he didn’t call Luke. They’ll want to know why he was at a bar if he’s supposed to be sober. Calum will sigh heavily and Michael will snap at him. Ashton doesn’t want to deal with that, have to talk about the end of his relationship on top of getting into a bar fight because someone called Luke gay. Besides, he doesn’t know either of their numbers without his phone.

It really hits Ashton then that he only knows Luke’s number. Luke’s phone number is the only number that Ashton knows by heart. Even after all this time, the only person that Ashton depends on is Luke. He can call Luke and deal with having to listen to him bitch at Ashton or having him not pick up the phone or Ashton can spend the night here and go home in the morning. Ashton doesn’t want to call Luke, listen to the hurt and disappointment in his voice, but Ashton really doesn’t want to sit here overnight, not when his head hurts and his nose hurts and his eye hurts and he just wants to go home and cry.

“I can call someone,” Ashton says. The cop nods, hands his desk phone over to Ashton, watches him punch the number in. The phone rings once, twice and Ashton thinks Luke’s not going to pick up, it’s late, he’s asleep, maybe he’s out somewhere having fun without me, he doesn’t need me when he hears the line click.

“Hello?” Luke’s voice filters through the line. It’s rough and Ashton’s heart sinks. He knows that rough sound that’s in Ashton’s voice. It’s not sleep rough. It’s rough and watery, the sound Luke’s voice makes when he’s been crying, hoarse and exhausted. Ashton wants to ask about it, comfort Luke when he remembers he can’t do that anymore. They’re broken up. It’s not his place to ask Luke about how he’s doing. Coupled with the fact that the cop in front of him is looking at him expectantly, waiting for Ashton to let the man on the other line know what’s going on.

“Who is this?” Luke asks again.

“Ashton. It’s Ashton.”

“Ashton? Where are you calling from?”

“A police station.”

“What?” Luke asks, panic clear in his voice. Ashton swallows.

“Yeah I got arrested? At a bar? For starting a fight?”

“Are you asking me or telling me?”

“Telling you.”

“Fuck. Do you know where?” Luke says after a moment’s pause.

“I’m not sure. I don’t remember much.”

“Of course not,” Luke says, hallowly.

“Luke, I know you’re pissed at me. I know we need to talk, but I’m drunk and I’m sitting in a police station and I just need someone to pick me up.”

Luke’s silent on the other line. He’s so quiet that Ashton thinks he might have hung up. It’s only when he hears the slow intake of breath that he realizes Luke’s still there.

“Can you put the officer on?” he asks. Ashton nods and then remembers that Luke can’t see him, mumbles a yes as he passes over the phone. The officer exchanges some words with Luke, gives him an address and the information he needs, and hangs up.

“Your friend said he’s coming. I have to put you in the cell under then.”

“Right,” Ashton says, nodding. He lets the cop take him over, opens the cell door and ushers Ashton in. He sits on the bench in the cell, watching as the cop leaves, locking the cell behind him. He crosses over to his desk, pulling a tissue out of the box and hands it to Ashton through the bars.

“Here. For your nose.”

“Thanks,” Ashton says, taking it and trying to wipe at the dried blood on his nose. It stings trying to clean it off and Ashton eventually gives up, leaning his head back against the wall and sighing. This was the exact kind of shit Ashton was trying to avoid. By going public, they would have opened themselves up to ridicule and jokes about their sexuality, their music, their appearance. They would have had to listen to all these articles about how their music is about each other, had to listen to all the slurs people would call them. No one would take them seriously as musicians. Ashton didn’t want to come out because he didn’t want to have to listen to it, have the nasty words said about them, written about them. Although, they’re not even out and look at what happened. Ashton and Luke didn’t even need to come out to have some guys in a bar make fun of them. There’s still articles about how they’re terrible musicians, still men in bars who call them a boyband. Ashton had to go and ruin his happiness just to keep going through the same thing he always thought he would.

Ashton closes his eyes, trying to stop the tears from coming. His head is starting to pound. His whole face hurts. He’s tired and he just wants to go home. Ashton’s not even sure Luke will come get him. Maybe he should just sleep here for the night and cut his losses. Accept that he’s alone and unwanted.

Ashton’s busy wallowing in his misery for an undetermined amount of time, listening to the weather report on the TV when he hears the door door to the station open and hears a shuffle of feet. Ashton cracks an eye open, floored when he realizes it’s Luke. Luke standing at the desk in front, shuffling nervously. He’s wearing sweatpants and a hoodie, hair pulled up into a bun. Ashton hasn’t seen him in a month and he’s so taken aback looking at Luke. His hair looks greasy. His eyes have dark circles under them, the clear sign that Luke hasn’t been sleeping well. They’re red too and so is the tip of his nose. Ashton frowns. That’s the sign Luke’s been crying. Luke looks broken and worn down, shoulders slumped. Ashton expected many things, but a sad, small, broken looking Luke wasn’t one of them.

“Hi, I’m here for Ashton Irwin,” Luke says to the cop at the desk. Ashton can’t take his eyes off Luke, still trying to catch his breath seeing Luke, seeing that he’s come to get Ashton. That even with all this going on, with their breakup, Luke’s here. Ashton watches the shuffle of paperwork, of Luke filling out the forms. He looks tired and world weary, shoulders heavy as he signs something.

The cop comes to get Ashton, unlocks the jail cell, tugs him out and over to where Luke is waiting. Ashton can’t read his expression, Luke’s face blank and he puts a hand on Ashton’s elbow, watches as Ashton takes back his phone and his wallet, mumbles a thank you to the officer.

“He just needs some rest. And less liquor. My daughter’s a big fan. He’s lucky to have a friend like you,” he says, nodding at Luke. Luke smiles ruthlessly, smile wooden.

“Yeah. Something like that,” he says, tugging Ashton out the doors of the station and over to his car. Ashton gets the passenger door open, gets into the car and watches Luke slam the door, round the car to the driver side. He gets in, starting the car, and pulls out of the station parking lot.

“You look like shit,” Luke says at the first red light. Ashton glances over, sees that Luke’s staring straight ahead, voice void of emotion.

“Feel like shit,” Ashton mumbles, reaching up to touch his nose, wincing when he pokes at it.

“Good,” Luke says, bitter venom in his voice. It shocks Ashton, the harsh song in Luke’s voice, the way he’s gripping the steering wheel.

“You don’t have to be rude.”

“You called me at close to 3:00am to tell me that you were arrested for fighting. In a bar. I think I’m allowed to be rude.”

“Well you didn’t have to come.”

“I wasn’t going to leave you there. You’re still my best friend, even after everything. I can’t just not pick you up.”

“Thank you,” Ashton whispers, staring down at his pants, picking at a loose thread. He hears Luke sigh heavily next to him.

“What were you even doing getting into fights anyway? At a bar? I thought you were sober.”

“Well I was until you broke my heart.”

“Don’t pretend the break is all my fault.”

“You’re the one who ended it!” Ashton yells, hot with fury. He’ll put up with a lot, but he won’t tolerate Luke pretending like Ashton’s the sole reason they’re not together anymore.

“Because you wouldn’t listen to me! You never want to listen to me! The great Ashton Irwin can’t be bothered to consider anything his boyfriend says or wants because he knows best.”

“Ex-boyfriend.”

“Fuck you,” Luke snaps. Ashton lets out a frustrated growl, wincing when pain shoots through his face. He doesn’t miss the way Luke’s face drops, worry and concern etched in his features until he remembers himself, masks his emotions perfectly after years of PR training.

“I did listen to you. I got sober.”

“Clearly not.”

“I was sober for a whole 3 months after we weren’t on tour. I was getting better. You asked me to try because you were worried about me and I did.”

“Stop bullshitting me Ashton. You were in a bar tonight.”

“I was fine until a month ago.”

“Oh really?”

“Yes! I was clean and sober until a month ago when you fucking broke my heart. I was getting better and then we broke up.”

“Nice, Ashton. Blame me for your drunk and disorderly behavior.”

“I’m not blaming you!”

“It sure sounds like you are.”

“Well, maybe I didn’t want to think anymore. Maybe I didn’t want to wake up everyday and have my first thought be that I didn’t have you anymore. Maybe I wanted to stop thinking about you every waking fucking moment. Fat lot of fucking good that did me. Considering the fight,” Ashton mumbles the last part, hoping Luke doesn’t hear him.

“What?”

“Hm?”

“What does the fight have to do with me?”

“Youngblood came on at the bar and the guy insulted it. Called us a boyband. Said we couldn’t sing, it’s all autotune. Called you gay.”

“That’s why you punched the guy? Ashton that’s hardly the first time anyone has said that.”

“Yeah but I just...I couldn’t let him say those things. You’ve worked so hard to get to this level of comfort with yourself and your body and your voice. Who is he to say shit like that?” Ashton says, turning to Luke, pleading with him to understand. Luke’s quiet, face a little surprised.

“You said the whole reason you didn’t want to come out was because of what people might say.”

“Clearly, it never mattered,” Ashton says. He’s tired, fight leaving his body, drained from the night’s events. Luke’s pensive in the driver’s seat, clenching and unclenching his hands. They spend the rest of the drive in silence, Luke surprised when they pull up to Luke’s house.

“I don’t want to leave you alone tonight. You need someone to make sure you didn’t hurt your head and to look at your nose. Besides, Petunia misses you,” Luke says, cheeks red at the admission. It makes Ashton a little soft, thinking about the idea that Petunia misses Ashton. He’s missed Petunia, missed her snores and being able to cuddle with her, taking her on walks. Ashton hadn’t realized how much he missed it until he didn’t have it anymore. Just another thing in the long list of things he can’t do without Luke.

Ashton follows Luke up the stairs to his front door, watching as Luke unlocks it, realizing that Ashton still has the key to Luke’s house on the key ring in his pocket. It hurts Ashton, realizing that he’s going to have to give it back, the final nail in the coffin of their relationship.

Luke gets the door open, holding it so Ashton can follow him inside. Ashton kicks his shoes off at the door, remembers that Luke doesn’t like shoes on in the house. Petunia’s nowhere to be found, probably already asleep on Luke’s bed, like the princess she is.

“Come on, let me clean you up,” Luke says, taking Ashton’s hand and guiding him up the stairs of his house to his bathroom. Ashton goes, letting Luke lead him into it, watches Luke flip the toilet lid closed, sits down on it when Luke gestures to it. Luke leaves the bathroom, comes back with a washcloth. He flips the sink on, warms up the water before wetting the towel. He comes over to Ashton, bending down, taking Ashton’s jaw in his hand. Gently, Luke starts to wipe at the blood on his nose, tutting when he gets a look at it and Ashton’s eye.

“Looks like it’s broken. And you have a black eye too. They really did a number on you.”

“Good thing we don’t have press coming up. Although, might be fun to have to explain that I got beat up defending your honor. I’d be a hero.”

“My knight in shining armor,” Luke teases. He looks surprised at the words, glancing down and continuing on his mission. Ashton’s surprised too, at the easy sound of the joke, that even now, after all this, they can still fall into this pattern, this teasing, this love.

“Worth it,” Ashton mumbles, wincing when Luke rubs at a hard spot.

“I can’t believe you punched someone because they insulted me. We’ve heard worse.”

“But it’s you. I couldn’t just let them say that.”

“Well, thank you. For defending me.”

Ashton shrugs, “Had to make drinking worthwhile somehow.”

“What happened? You were doing so well,” Luke whispers. Ashton sighs, heavy, tugging at his lungs.

“I couldn’t do it. I didn’t realize how much of myself, of my life, was structured around you, around us until you weren’t there. I kept waking up and realizing you weren’t there. I wanted to text you, to talk to you, and I couldn’t. You were so much a part of my life, even before we were together, and then we were dating and I just...I don’t know what to do without you there, without you in reach. I keep seeing things in the world I want to share with you and I can’t anymore. I didn’t know what to say or what to do to bridge the gap. I just wanted to talk to you, to see you and I couldn’t. I don’t know who I am without you there and I kept drinking. I kept drinking to forget, to numb it all, to pretend for a moment I would wake up and you would be there again. It’s not fixing the problem but god, did it help me forget,” Ashton says, confession hanging in the silence of the air. He feels naked and vulnerable, heart on his sleeve in the wake of his admission that Ashton can’t be without Luke.

“I haven’t slept in a month,” Luke says quietly. He’s staring down at Ashton’s lap, where their hands are joined. There’s tears clinging to his eyelashes, eyes red ringed.

“What?”

“I haven’t slept in a month. 4 weeks I haven’t been able to sleep through the night. Everytime I try to go to bed, I can’t. It’s too empty, too cold. I can’t get comfortable. And then by the time I fall asleep, I keep waking up with nightmares. Except you’re not there to comfort me, so I just stare at the ceiling until my body just gives up. I keep crying. I keep crying and I think my body can’t make anymore tears and then I see something that reminds me of you and I start crying again. I can’t talk to my mum or Michael or Calum because I can’t bring myself to say the words out loud, like if I speak them into existence then they’re real and I can’t take it back. I structured so much of my days around you, that I find myself wanting to text you things or turning to you on the couch or calling your name and realizing you aren’t here anymore. I tried to walk Petunia yesterday, but she was wearing the collar you got her for Christmas and I spent the day crying on the floor in my bedroom because I kept thinking that we won’t have that again. I can’t figure out who I am anymore when I’m not your best friend, your boyfriend. You keep acting like you’re the only one hurting here, but so am I, Ashton.”

“You broke up with me,” Ashton says, dumbfounded at Luke’s confession, that he’s been bleeding out day by day just as badly as Ashton’s been.

“I didn’t break up with you because I didn’t love you anymore. I broke up with you because you refused to try and at least be public with me. You wanted to keep hiding us, hiding who we are, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t be some dirty secret anymore. I want to hold your hand in public and kiss your cheek during shows. I want to get up on stage and tell everyone that you’re my boyfriend and we’re in love. I want to talk about moving in without worrying what people will think of us. I wanted to be able to discuss the future with you, without feeling like you wanted to hide anything we ever did. I just wanted to have you, openly and completely. I wanted to love you, so everyone could see. You didn’t even want to listen to me. And I still miss you so much, I love you so much, I don’t know what to do,” Luke says, sniffling. Ashton lets out a sad sound, squeezing Luke’s hand, forcing him to look up at Ashton.

“I don’t like being public. I don’t like feeling like we’re being watched, judged. I don’t like adding another reason to the list of why people don’t like us. I hated the idea of subjecting the band, you, us to ridicule and mockery. But it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t fucking matter. I made myself miserable and there’s still guys in bars insulting us and calling us names. I thought I could save myself the pain if I didn’t go public, but all I did was make myself miserable, make us both miserable. I ruined us and I can’t fix us and I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know who I am anymore. And I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve you after everything, but I love you. I love you and I want to try. I want to try again and again, I want to make it up to you, show you I love you,” Ashton says. He’s crying now, sobbing wrecking him. His whole face hurts, but he doesn’t care, tears streaming down his face as he cries and cries. Luke’s not better, nose snotty and tear tracks on his cheeks as he cries too, shoulders shaking. Ashton tugs on his hands, pulling him up from his kneeling position and into his arms, Luke bent in half to return the hug, face buried into Ashton’s shoulder as he cries and cries.

Eventually, they both run out of tears, bodies drained from the evening, from their confessions. They stay like that, locked in their awkward embrace until Luke pulls back, sniffling, wiping at his face with the sleeve of his hoodie. Ashton reaches up, trying to wipe the tears from his cheeks. Luke laughs, wet, and some of the tension eases in Ashton’s chest. If Luke’s laughing, it can’t be all bad. There has to still be some hope.

“I can’t have this conversation with you right now. It’s so late and you’re still drunk and in pain and neither of us is emotionally ready to have this conversation. But if you stay, I can make breakfast and we can talk about it? I can make French toast,” Luke says. Ashton laughs.

“You mean, the only thing you can make is French toast.”

“Oh fuck off,” Luke says, but he’s smiling slightly. Ashton takes Luke’s hand, interlocks their fingers.

“I would love to spend the night. I would love to have breakfast with you and watch you cook and walk Petunia in the morning and talk. I would love to talk.”

“Good. That’s...good,” Luke says, nodding slightly. Ashton smiles back, relief flooding his body. He’s tired and drained, but the idea that Luke wants to give them a chance is something.

“Do you want me to stay in the guest room? I’ll need some clothing.”

“I have some old things of yours. Would you...um...sleep with me? In my bed?” Luke whispers, face red. Ashton beams, very nearly crying again at the admission.

“I would love to. There’s nothing I want to do more,” he whispers back. Luke smiles and it doesn’t quite reach his eyes, but his dimples are evident and his eyes are shining and it looks an awful lot like hope. It feels an awful lot like hope, like second chances, like Ashton’s just narrowly avoiding missing out on something important that he’s had the chance to win back. He can win back Luke’s love, he’ll make sure he can deserve it.

#5 seconds of summer #lashton #luke hemmings #ashton irwin #alcohol tw #alcohol reference #fighting #bar fighting #slight homophobic language #blood mention #post break up #with the hope of getting back together #angst #comfort #theres alot going on here #my writing

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myhahnestopinion · 3 years

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THE AARONS 2020 - Best TV Episode

I had to cancel a lot of streaming services this year. They know what they did wrong. Here are the Aarons for Best TV Episode:

#10. “Take Your Choice” (Batwoman, Season 1, Episode 12)

Coming out of the Infinite Earths crossover, Batwoman is left with a personal Crisis of conscience: Kate Kane’s efforts to redeem the villainous Alice, her presumed-dead sister, are derailed by the arrival of an alternate-universe version of her, one who didn’t suffer the same traumatic events. Multiverse collapse means only one can live, compelling Kate to choose between fighting a righteous lost cause or taking the easier path back to normalcy, the kind of complex moral dilemma that heroes are forged in. The original Alice is seen as both abuser and victim within, torturing Kate over her own lingering trauma, while fearing a second, far-worse abandonment. This enhanced sibling conflict reinvigorated the season’s second half. It’s unfortunate that dynamic is now lost with the decision to replace, not recast, Batwoman going forward, but, well, a choice had to be made.

#9. “The One Where We’re Trapped on TV” (Legends of Tomorrow, Season 5, Episode 14)

With back-to-back shows on this list, it’s clear The CW’s sweeping interconnected universe is still going strong, but they’re not done conquering the airwaves yet. In their latest bit of meta-mischief, the crew behind the show Legends of Tomorrow flexed their creative freedom and trapped the on-screen crew of Legends of Tomorrow within various television parodies, including Friends, Downton Abbey, and Star Trek. Each is brought to life with expert lived-in details by long-term producer and first-time director Marc Guggenheim. The cast gamely tunes in to the needs of each as well, hamming it up with Shatner-impressions and droll sitcom style. It’s all held together by the show’s lovable mush; if you’re looking for unique, heartfelt television, the Legends are on it.

#8. “Zoey’s Extraordinary Glitch” (Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist, Season 1, Episode 8)

Despite her being the star of the show, Playlist kept skipping over Jane Levy for its big musical numbers, a consequence of its concept that Zoey is the one hearing other people’s thoughts expressed in song. That oversight was paused in the show’s eighth production, which gave her a show-stopping spotlight all her own. It wasn’t just Levy’s rendition of pop songs that were a hit, but how reality hit for the character after signing her heart out. The playful subversion of Playlist’s formula dialed cringe-comedy to the max, while shattering the limitations of its unusual premise. If the show keeps shuffling itself around like it did here, it won’t be played out anytime soon.

#7. “Sundown” (Lovecraft Country, Season 1, Episode 1)

The unknown is an alluring yet dangerous place. That’s the concept at the heart of infamous horror author H.P. Lovecraft’s work, and the principle carries over to J.J. Abrams and Jordan Peele’s inspired TV show. Atticus Freeman can’t resist that unknown when he receives a mysterious letter from his missing father, and sets off on a road trip beset by monsters to find him. The episode is a wicked homage to the petrifying creatures of Lovecraft lore, but its true horror lies in its subversion of those stories. Lovecraft, an unapologetic racist, founded his fears in that bigotry; Lovecraft Country centers people of color in its narrative, contending with those racist fears within monsters that walk among us. This balance of reverence and rejection is never better than in this first episode; “Sundown” is the highest point in the unearthly Lovecraft Country.

#6. “The Curse” (What We Do in the Shadows, Season 2, Episode 4)

STOP! If you are reading this, you have been cursed! You will be visited by Bloody Mary tonight if you do not forward The Aarons to ten other people.

...It was a familiar hoax to earlier adopters of the internet, a bit of viral villany that used the anonymous and unfathomable nature of the world wide web to spook even the most shrewd of children. To a clan of vampires though, incredulity is already out the window. That’s the clever catch of this episode, in which the long-undead crew scramble to get a crash-course in the technological age to avoid such a prophesied ghostly encounter. It’s a devilishly funny dance of dramatic irony… or is it? I can say with certainty that “The Curse” is a real one, so best get forwarding, readers.

#5. “Ego Death” (I May Destroy You, Season 1, Episode 12)

There was always an inevitability to I May Destroy You: a miniseries needs a denouement. That’s a greater dilemma when your subject is recovering in the wake of sexual assault, a situation that’s rarely cleanly resolved. “Ego Death,” the final installment in the resolutely honest show, doesn’t shy away from that difficulty. Creator and star Michaela Cola’s Arabella has a chance recognition of her assailant, and the episode runs through several possible reactions for her to that encounter. It’s as furious and yet funny as the show consistently was, while always holding firm to the promise of its title: assault need not define you, destruction is not inevitable.

#4. “Bagman” (Better Call Saul, Season 5, Episode 8)

Vince Gilligan built his empire on exploring what will make a person reach their breaking point; after five seasons of build up, he burdened Saul Goodman with as much as the man can bear. Taking cues from a classic episode of the original series, “4 Days Out,” Saul Goodman is stranded in the desert, forced to degradingly drink his own urine while lugging around duffle bags of cash, after a trepidatious handoff is ambushed by a rival drug cartel. Worse, he’s being chased by a surviving shooter. Gilligan loads the episode up with the distinctive visual flourish, attention to detail, and gripping tension that are the hallmarks of his work; when it comes to making standout television, Gilligan’s got it in the bag, man.

#3. “The Phantom Apprentice” (Star Wars: The Clone Wars, Season 7, Episode 10)

There was a clear force pushing Disney to revive The Clone Wars after seven years off the air: bringing balance to the franchise. The last third of the season finally fulfilled the show’s destiny, running parallel to the events of Revenge of the Sith from the perspective of its original creation, Ahsoka Tano. The entire operatic arc rivaled the power of its cinematic counterparts, but my chosen one is its second part, in which Ahsoka and a revived Darth Maul duel above an under-siege Mandalore. The dazzling lightsaber fight was rendered using motion capture technology, providing viewers with another dizzying high ground from which to watch the fall of the Republic.

#2. “The View from Halfway Down” (BoJack Horseman, Season 6, Episode 15)

The long-standing question of viewers of BoJack was whether it would result in tragedy or recovery; in the end, the show had its horse and ate it too. The series finale, in which BoJack makes peace in his ruined friendships, could have easily grazed this list, but I gave the edge to the penultimate episode in the horse race. “The View from Halfway Down” is a fake out, a fever dream of finality as BoJack lays drowning in his pool, but it’s no half-measure. It’s a merciless manifestation of fears and regrets, forcing BoJack to confront all the darkness he’s been running from, with the haunting sensation that, this time, he might be in too deep. It’s a brutal piece of TV viewing, but the glass is halfway full: BoJack’s at his lowest point, but the episode is Bojack at its highest.

AND THE BEST TV EPISODE OF 2020 IS...

#1. “A Dark, Quiet Death” (Mythic Quest: Raven’s Banquet, Season 1, Episode 5)

Mythic Quest took an unexpected detour early on in its debut season, chronicling the personal and professional growth and decay of couple Doc and Bean, video game designers who originally occupied the current headquarters of the show’s regular cast. Guest stars Jake Johnson and Cristin Milioti give life to “Death,” charming viewers and each other from their meet-cute to their late-in-life reunion. It’s a surprisingly surefooted key stroke for a first season sitcom, developing the entire show’s central thesis on the strength of this standalone episode. Bean and Doc act as a cautionary tale for both the destructive power of ego and the corrosive nature of capitalism; a carved heart from the two adorns the office as an omen while the modern day characters lock horns with the same beasts. Now that’s a scrumptious bit of mythmaking.

NEXT UP: THE 2020 AARON FOR BEST TV PERFORMANCE!

#tv #TheAarons2020 #TheAarons #TheAaronsTV #best of 2020 #batwoman #legends of tomorrow #zoey's extraordinary playlist #lovecraft country #what we do in the shadows #i may destroy you #better call saul #star wars #the clone wars #bojack horseman #mythic quest

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addictedtoeddie · 4 years

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The full Esquire Spain interview translated from Spanish:

Eddie Redmayne trial: guilty of being the most talented (and stylish) actor of his generation

The Oscar winner talks about what it means to premiere a film with Aaron Sorkin (The Chicago 7th Trial on Netflix) and filming the new part of the most famous saga of all time under the watchful eye of its author, J.K. Rowling.

By Alba Díaz (text) / JUANKR (photos and video) / Álvaro de Juan (styling) 10/23/2020

At the Kettle’s Yard Gallery in Cambridge, stands alone and leaning on a piano Prometheus, a marble head made by Constantin Brâncusi, and the only piece of art that Eddie Redmayne (London, 1982) would save from possible massive destruction. He tells me about it as he leaves the filming set of the third installment of Fantastic Beasts in the early days of an autumn that, we suspect, we will never forget. It begins to get dark as the actor nods seriously: "I promise to do my best in this interview."

Eddie Redmayne made himself in the theater despite some voices warning him that he could not survive in it. "Many people were in charge to tell me that it would never work, that only extraordinary cases make it and that I would not be able to live from this professionally." Even his father came home one day with a list of statistics on unemployed young actors. Redmayne, who is extremely modest, polite and funny, adds: “But I enjoyed theater so much that I got to the point of thinking that if I could only do one play a year for the rest of my life… I would do it. And that would fill me completely.

Spoiler: since then until today he has participated in many more. He set his first foot in the industry when he debuted at the Shakespeare’s Globe Theater and won over critics and audiences. He then landed his first major role in My Week with Marilyn opposite Michelle Williams. And then came one of the roles of his life, the character he wanted to become an actor for, Marius. With him he sang, led a revolution and broke Cosette's heart in Les Miserables. “I found out about the Les Misérables auditions when I was shooting a movie in Illinois. Dressed like a cowboy. I picked up the iPhone and videotaped myself singing the Marius song. I always wanted to be him ”.

Now Redmayne is an Oscar winner - thanks to his portrayal of Stephen Hawking in The Theory of Everything - and the protagonist of one of the most important sagas in history, Fantastic Beasts. He plays the magizoologist Newt Scamander in it. When I ask him what it means to him to be the protagonist of a magical world that is so important to millions of people, Eddie sighs and takes a few seconds to answer. “I have always loved the Harry Potter universe. Some people like The Lord of the Rings or Star Wars ... But, for me, the idea that there is a magical world that happens right in front of you, that happens without going any further on the streets of London, that. .. That exploded my imagination in another way.

During the quarantine, J. K. Rowling, who has been in charge of the script of the film, sparked a controversy through a series of tweets about transgender women. Redmayne assures that he does not agree with these statements but that it does not approve of the attacks of some people through social networks. The actor was one of the first to position himself against Rowling alongside Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and other protagonists of her films. "Trans women are women, trans men are men, and non-binary identities are valid."

After having spent a while talking, Redmayne confesses to me that he has never been a big dreamer not to maintain certain aspirations that ended up disappointing him. So he has always kept a handful of dreams to himself. One of them was fulfilled just a few weeks ago with the premiere of The Trial of the Chicago 7, a film written and directed by Aaron Sorkin that can already be seen on Netflix and in some - few - cinemas. “I was on vacation with my wife in Morocco and the script arrived. I think I called my agent before I even read it and said yes, I would. She probably thought the obvious, that I'm stupid. After that, of course I read the script, which is about a specific moment in history that I knew very little about. I found it exciting and a very relevant drama in today's times. "

And it is that having a script by Aaron Sorkin in your hands is no small thing. Eddie Redmayne has been a fan of his work ever since he saw The West Wing of the White House. “His scripts have delicious language and dialogue. As an actor, it's fun to play characters that are much smarter than you are in real life. That virtuosity is hard to come by. I really hope that audiences enjoy this movie and feel that there is always hope. " He remembers that since he released The Theory of Everything he has recorded, to a large extent, English period dramas, “and although the new Aaron Sorkin is not strictly contemporary,” says Redmayne, “to be able to wear jeans and shirts and sweaters instead of so much tweed is great ”.

Besides acting, art was the only thing the actor was interested in, so he ended up studying Art History at Cambridge University. “My parents are quite traditional and when I told them I wanted to act they gave me free rein but on the condition that I study a career. And I'm very grateful for that because ... Look, beyond that, when I play a real character I usually go to the National Portrait Gallery in London quite often. There I lock myself up. Now, for Sorkin's film, I went through a lot of photographs and videotapes. Art helps me to be more creative, to get into paper ”. If he were not an actor, he would be, he says decidedly, a historian or perhaps a curator. "Although I think he would be a very bad art curator."

Against all logic, Eddie Redmayne is color blind. But there is a color that you can distinguish anywhere and on any surface: klein blue. He wrote his thesis on the French artist Yves Klein and the only shade of blue he used in his works. He wrote up to 30,000 words talking about that color with which he became obsessed. “It is surprising that a color can be so emotional. One can only hope to achieve that intensity in acting. "

Like his taste for art, which encompasses the refined and compact, Redmayne seems to be in the same balance when it comes to the roles he chooses. When I ask him what aspects a character he wants to play should have, he takes a few seconds again before answering: “I wish I had a more ingenious answer but I will tell you that I know when my belly hurts. It's that feeling that I trust. In my mind I transport him to imagine myself playing that character. When I read a script I have to really enjoy it. You never fully regret those instincts. It's like when you connect with something emotionally. "

So we come to the conclusion that all his characters have some traits in common. "You know what? I never look back, and this is something personal, but I do believe that there is a parallel between Marius in Les Misérables trying to be a revolutionary, someone who is quite prone to being distracted by love but at the same time is willing to die for his cause, and Tom Hayden from The Chicago Trial of the 7 who was a man who had integrity and was passionate and fought for the things he believed in. So I suppose there may also be similarities between a young Stephen Hawking and Newt Scamander. There are traits in common in all of them that I don't really know where they come from ”.

When we talk about the year we are living in, in which it is increasingly difficult to find hope, we both let out a nervous laugh. "There must be," Redmayne says. “There is something very nice that Tom Hayden, the character I play in Sorkin's film, said to his former wife, actress Jane Fonda, just the day before she passed away. He told her that watching people die for their beliefs changed his life forever. In that sense, I also think about what Kennedy Jr. wrote about how democracy is messy, tough and never easy ... As is believing in something to fight for. I look at history and how they were willing to live their lives with that integrity to change the world and I realize that somehow that spirit still remains with us. " We fell silent thinking about it. "There must be hope."

I tell him about my love for Nick Cave's blog, The Red Hand, and one of the posts that I have liked the most in recent weeks. In it, the singer affirms that his response to a crisis has always been to create, an impulse that has saved him many times. For Redmayne there are two activities that can silence noise: drawing and playing the piano. “When you play the piano your concentration is so consumed by trying to hit that note that you can't think of anything else. Similarly, when you draw something, the focus is between the paper and what you are trying to recreate ... There I try to calm my mind.

Before saying goodbye, I drop a question that I thought I knew the answer to, but failed. What work of art would you save from mass destruction? "How difficult! I could name my favorite artists but still couldn't choose a work. Only one piece? Let me think. I am very obsessed with Yves Klein, but I would stick with a work by Brancusi. There is a sculpture of him, a small head called Prometheus, in Cambridge's Kettle’s Yard, on a dark mahogany piano. The truth is that I find it very ... beautiful ”.

Before leaving, he confesses to me - with a childish and slow voice - that he would like to direct something one day. We said goodbye, saying that we will talk about his next project. Next, the first thing I do is open the Google search engine. "P-r-o-m-e-t-h-e-u-s". Although Eddie Redmayne has trouble distinguishing violet from blue, he doesn't have them when choosing a good piece. He's right, that work deserves to be saved.

* This article appears in the November 2020 issue of Esquire magazine

Source: esquire.com/es/actualidad/cine/a34434114/eddie-redmayne-juicio-7-chicago-netflix-entrevista/

#eddie redmayne #esquire2020 #esquirespain2020nov #esquire spain #chicago7promo #chicago7interview #interview2020 #photoshoot2020 #juankr #my translation

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immortal-teacher · 3 years

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Albert Einstein said "Everything is energy and that's all there is to it. Match the frequency of the reality you want and you cannot help but get that reality. It can be no other way. This is not philosophy. This is physics"

Most people don't realize that sounds, shapes, colors and words are all connected through various frequency vibrations. Play a chord and there is a corresponding geometrical shape that is in place, and a color associated with that frequency and vibration! Sacred Geometry, sound, chakras

I have figured out how to make anything reality and how the universe works after experimenting with a variety of affirmations and i will explain with knowledge from many teachers that I have figured out the details and proven myself with experiments, memories, scientific explanations and more.

So everything is Frequency and Vibration or nonphysical and physical, We are all co-creators who create frequencies that create and control the material and physical world. We operate and think on frequency, including belief systems are frequencies and that controls our vibration.

Vibration is our body and the frequencies that we operate and think on control the type of thoughts we can have, how we feel, how we interact with all life and everything around us including gaining new abilities, becoming immortal or anything it seems anything is possible once you say or listen to an affirmation, subliminal, mantra, frequency or believe something long enough

then it will come true eventually. The Mastermind Principle explains how opposing frequencies cannot exist in the same area. For example during hypnosis people have proven how if i say my finger is burning hot then it will burn your skin as i get closer and start to blister.

Somebody has put down all his weight on a knife on his neck then got hit full force with a sledgehammer on his back but it did not pierce his skin because his belief/frequency

that he operates on. The frequencies also cause hallucinations based on beliefs, for example i thought people i date would reply fast so when i first got a phone in 7th grade i would message people and past girlfriends and reply fast because i didn't have many chores to do and of course really wanted to talk to my now ex girlfriend so while waiting for a reply from her, i would get vibrations from my

phone just like i got a message but when i checked then i see no messages or notifications and this went on like a hundred times until 10th grade when i got a new girlfriend(ex girlfriend) that explained why it took so long to reply, which is because she does many chores for her family, she didn't have Brothers and sisters around her age to help out.

So i first started learning about how the universe works after 5 years of searching to cure my shyness, depression and slight anger issues, along the way i did some searching into empathic abilities, how to live forever and more through many teachers mostly on google and Youtube, nothing really worked until i found this

video by "YouAreCreators" Youtube channel called "The secrets of frequency and vibration" packed full of cool experiments including how the nine solfeggio frequencies cured 16 out of 16 terminally ill cancer patients

within 70 days which i hear is the worst kind of cancer. So i started both the nine solfeggio frequencies and i am affirmations both free on YouTube at the same time, after listening to them for 2 and a half weeks then i started

waking up with this extremely blissful feeling, super energized, feeling great, thinking faster and more clearly, form more complex thoughts, process information faster, i work at top speed all day like an adrenaline rush and

it seems i have infinite energy but i stopped listening temporarily thinking it would last forever but then the great feelings gradually went away after 72 hours.

Some of my experiments that helped me discover how the universe works include listening and or saying affirmations

like "i am connected to the source, i am a part of god, i am a piece of the creator, i am wise, i am walking brilliance, i am total understanding, i am infinite wisdom, i am genius, i am over joyed, i am educated, i am infinite, i am wise council, i am energetic, i am boundless, i am brilliant, I am Happy, i am Healthy, i am invincible, i am immortal, i am loving, i am caring, kind, strong" and many more

in other people's affirmations then they all came true and when i asked questions in my head then five different times i got answers it seemed i could have never thought of.

I have even tried subliminals for faster reflexes and think fast like a human computer then started catching everything that i bumped off the shelf when trying to work faster including 3 items i dropped at the same time so i lowered my body slightly and hugged them like i could

see them falling in slow motion.

Dr. Joe Dispenza says learning makes new connections in the brain, so the more that you can repeat what you have learned, the more you are installing the neurological hardware in the brain in preparation for the experience then

when you feel the experience and emotion then your teaching your body chemically what you have intellectually understood, then the body understands better than the mind after enough practice. He said our job

is to go from philosopher to initiate to master, from knowledge to experience to wisdom, from mind to body to soul, from thinking to doing to being, from learning it with your head to practicing it with your hands and knowing it by heart.

How you think and feel changes your state of being, (end of the quote) because you think the pill or surgery will heal you then it doesn't matter if it is a sugar pill or fake surgery, it will work, that is the famous placebo effect. I read that most people get results between 21 to 85 days of any daily affirmation, frequency, subliminal, mantra etc then after 3 months of daily practice then it will be permanent.

After saying i am immortal and i am invincible for about a month and a half then i turned around and accidentally fell what seemed to be the fastest fall ever at work because the floor was really slick then i felt no pain at all and didn't even get hurt and i kept track for a month after just

in case if i needed to report it.

After saying that i do not need food to survive, i do not need food to thrive about 50 times daily for 3 days then those 3 days i ate 50%-75% less food because i felt full and could not really eat much throughout the day including my work lunch time that i usually eat the whole time.

Mahatma Gandhi said "Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, Your words become your actions, Your actions become your habits, Your habits become your values, Your values become your destiny."

I found that fear or doubt attracts what you fear or doubt because I found a new technique while playing pool that I can visualize a tunnel where the white ball will go and the next ball and make the shot everytime if I stay confident, aim

the goal ball first then the white ball with the tunnel but if I doubt I'll make it or fear I'll mess up or get bumped then I can't visualize the tunnel technique so I tried relying on another technique but then I fail.

After

listening to affirmations about world peace then it gave me new perceptions that helped me because i was running on the "be nice" frequency so then i was able to tell

people the right way to do things otherwise i could report them to the FDA for leaving refrigerated food out at room temperature for hours instead of 30 minutes. They would pull out pallets of food about 6 feet tall stacked to fit the most

food on each pallet then say only one person per pallet which took this one guy 3 hours and a half to stock the shelves so now those expiration dates are wrong.

I have tried mantras and subliminals to become more attractive then 6 people flirt with me in one day, everyone was

smiling at me and i got 4 phone numbers from female co-workers because the other 2 flirting was guys but I'm only attracted to females.

Also with Aaron Doughty's help, he refers to Hawkin's scale from "fear to enlightenment" often with examples and his experiences which really helped me out but he still

does not completely know what he is talking about as far as i know but i don't watch most of his videos. I had help from many teachers and i sometimes still look for more

knowledge to improve life for the greater good of all! First

time i heard the detox frequency that is known to eliminate electromagnetic radiation, Viruses, diseases, infections, toxins, bacteria, fungal etc "741 Hz" i heard just about an hour or two then sweat 3 nights in a row so much

during winter that i woke up once each night because the sweat i was soaked in got cold so i dried off and rolled over each night but with constant use i don't notice any sweat

really if i do it daily or weekly. Music tuned to 528Hz gives us more energy daily because it returns our DNA to its perfect form also 528Hz is the frequency at which life is created and when i listen daily then i keep benefits constantly all day.

Other

people's beliefs and our own beliefs and fears influence us subconsciously that influences thoughts, abilities and choices either positive or negative but we can learn what negative and or deconstructive frequencies we operate on by listening to our thoughts and words then reverse the negative and deconstructive ones,

I figured this out because I heard weird beliefs that I didn't believe that effected me in a negative way but now I looped an affirmation video using desktop version for protection from anything negative on my cracked phone it charges slow but it works.

With a world of technology that can brainwash you on a silent frequency displayed on the patent technology website then We must brainwash ourselves for everything good and have a negative and deconstructive frequencies blocker like i listen to daily in my Daily playlist that i try to keep under 6 hours to listen 3 times daily for more effect i add more helpful videos after so i have

something else to listen to while sleeping. We can create new empowering, optimistic, hopeful, loving, gratefulness, forgiving life for all. Always think what is the opposite of the negative, remember to stay and think positive, constructive and always work with science to figure

out what is for the greater good of all and if you ever have questions google or youtube can't answer then ask me, I'd love to help and I've also gained benefits

from meditation, mantras, subliminals, mindful breathing, Orgone Pendant necklace from "wish .com" i believe that the intentions i set in my gemstones to help me

bring world peace, love and happiness to all helped because it does seem easier to teach and twice now after meeting people who told me i was wrong because they

chose one of the 2000 religions which are belief systems from other humans both times christian but my gemstones start shocking my leg when they fill up to much of the negative energy and shock my hand if i touch them, stronger than static shock, like those electric shock pens.

Sungazing the safe way reduces needed food intake gradually to zero by connecting to earth's electromagnetic field I'm at 8 minutes but on your First day the sun should be near touching the horizon and look at

the top of the sun then left, right, bottom and repeat for 10 seconds then only increase 10 seconds once daily until 44 minutes and 40 seconds is completed then the sungazing part is done to get energy just walk on earth slow,

relaxed and barefoot for 45 minutes a day for the average person for enough energy throughout the day but i read many different stories it seems you still can drink and

eat but in the Thomas Jefferson University study they kept track of this man 24/7 for 200 days they monitored all of his bodily functions and they said he didn't eat or drink anything but he did bath and they measured the bath

water and he was healthier than anyone 20 years younger than him and he was about 70 years old.

At another university the same guy was monitored for 411 days but they didn't even believe him about not needing food or drink so i think they said he did accept some buttermilk from them.

I heard one guy rose his frequency and vibration so high that he cured everyone at an insane asylum just by walking in, they told him he could not speak to them but just being near him everyone of them past all the tests to get out within a week.

People with multiple personality disorder sometimes will have cancer in one personality then scan them 2 minutes later in another personality then the cancer is gone. One woman who got cancer i think her name might be Doloris Cannon

but before she went in for her cancer treatment, she forgave everyone in her life then went to the doctor that said after scanning her again that her cancer is gone and that's the only thing she did different in her life and i personally have forgiven everyone for my health without actually telling them and it felt like 100 pounds lifted off my heart.

If you want to know more about the Science just ask or google ~Bruce Lipton~ is a cellular biologist that has proven all the science of beliefs, fears, thoughts and choices creating our reality.

According to RC Henry, a professor of physics and astronomy at Johns Hopkins University, in a 2005 essay: A fundamental conclusion of the new physics also acknowledges that the observer creates the reality. Pioneering physicist sir James Jeans wrote

"The stream of knowledge is heading toward a non-mechanical reality; the universe begins to look more like a great thought than like a great machine. Mind no longer appears to be an accidental intruder into the realm of matter,

we ought rather to hail it as the creator and governor of the realm of matter. Get over it and accept the inarguable conclusion. The universe is immaterial-mental and spiritual."

I had help discovering how the universe works from Bob proctor, Aaron Doughty, YouTube channels YouAreCreators and Universe inside you, Bruce Lipton, The Placebo effect, No Cebo Effect, Mandala effect, butterfly

effect, bystander effect, the documentary on Netflix called "The secret", visual and audio hallucinations, The MasterMind Principle, police report eye witnesses having different stories, experiments, etc and

seems the mandala effect is that whatever current frequencies controlling the majority also change history for example according to thousands of people the bible used to say that sampson's girl cut his hair but now with new

controlling frequencies it now says that she had a slave cut his hair to take his power away. This relates to a recent story i heard where the recent President Trump paid his lawyer take the blame for writing something on Trumps twitter account.

I found Dr. Royal Raymond Rife's frequency list and it is over 437 pages long and the first 8 or so is the University studies and then every health problem we can possibly have and what frequency or frequencies cure that problem.

The cancer section is 3 pages long. I seen AIDS on the list and every body part we have and or metabolism for example the frequency and or frequencies that help them normalize to perfect functionality. Also i do teach for world peace, immortality or whatever else to improve life for anyone because i care for everyone but affirmations, subliminals and frequencies takes some time of listening because

they have to push back opposing frequencies like being under a foot or more of water the deeper you go then the more pressure you feel so this is why certain affirmations, subliminals and frequencies seem to take longer

to come true but please trust me i have no reason to lie, someone said something like frequencies are like seeds that you plant they may not produce fruit right away but if you water that seed then eventually it will produce fruit and they were referring to saying the affirmation long enough to get results.

Before i got benefits from starting this journey i did not even think of the concept of how the universe works but i have really put a lot of thought into explaining anything and everything in the universe to get a better understanding of how all of it works.

I plan on changing my eye color to gold to prove it to for friends, family and anyone else because after teaching hundreds of people i have noticed most are cynical and deny anything based off a belief system they have but belief is only a guide to the truth as i see it now, this is why

i could not trust religion i knew it was not me to try believing in something that seemed so made up. So i searched over 5 years learning from many teachers, hypnosis, scientific explanations and more for a variety of questions i had about life constantly thinking of new questions and eventually started enjoying learning along the way then i learned about how the universe works, so i then

started experimenting with the law of attraction, subliminals, affirmations and frequencies to prove for myself if they have complete control or not and so far every

affirmation, subliminal, frequency etc i listen to enough gives me the results i wanted so now my focus is to teach and get this information out there because i want to help people and bring world peace i already sent it to the governor of nebraska and washington but they obviously didn't bring world peace yet so i will share my message

in this video instead of in comments section of many videos to make a difference in the world. I have already started listening and saying my own world peace affirmations and subliminals to help protect myself for when

I am ready to share the truth. I only teach what i have proven through experimenting with hundreds of frequencies, subliminals and affirmations. I am working on perfecting myself in everything that i do or say with great patience.

I was listening to different frequencies on 11 tabs on YouTube before they made Anthony Sommer add in the evil 440Hz in his music after 6 frequencies like stem cell production, collagen production, etc then I felt the different energy centers in me filling up then I would feel a

Slight discomfort that went away after switching to another frequency then after the 7th frequency I felt it all in more detail, it only creates the weird feeling because I was filling up

smaller chakras/energy centers within 20 minutes then it had to use energy to distribute energy to our energy centers nearby. The 9 solfeggio frequencies fill up our 9 biggest chakras so it gives more time to distribute energy so you won't feel the slight discomfort. Aaron doughty taught

me an affirmation "i am whole and complete," it means that i do not need anyone or anything to fulfill me or to complete me, i simply relax and focus on what i need to focus on then time flys by faster so i set alarms on my phone for certain things like when i need to get things done or when i get off work.

I read and heard many stories of how people can change hair texture and or eye colors to whatever they want with subliminals and affirmations but i simply have not wanted to change my body in those ways besides being invincible, immortal, healthy, wise and or anything else to improve the quality of my life.

At www.spooky2rife.com they have frequencies with proven results from 10 different researchers and they say it is the biggest frequency database in the world. 144.72hz woke me up when i was so tired i couldn't stay awake any longer then i got back to work at full speed, i was about to clock out of work 3 hours early but then found this frequency on that site next to energy and vitality.

I should inform you that the cells in our body can be addicted to anything and that Rockefeller studied how Hitler had control over people and found that fluoride in the water and toothpaste was one way because it calcified the pineal gland, closing up our perception and stifles

Creativity and with 440Hz set as the official standard of tuning for America and Europe. 440Hz is the frequency "Humans are bad and need punishment" so when anyone listen to almost any music then that frequency grows from

inside you like a bubble constantly growing until it meets an opposing frequency because the Mastermind Principle explains how opposing frequencies cannot exist in the same area, so opposing frequencies go to war

until one survives in whatever area, the bubbles probably follow us wherever we go if we created it. So this is why people get so angry because even if they do not listen themselves other people do listen enough that the frequency bubble could be all the way out to Jupiter or Pluto.

So I use Fluoride free toothpaste, aluminum free deodorant, purified drinking water, 24/7 affirmations and the nine Solfeggio Frequencies I also avoid Television or sometimes called "Tell Lie Vision" because it tells you lies. I also avoid listening to music other than the nine Solfeggio Frequencies.

So it is important to learn consciously how to counter balance this problem. The nine solfeggio frequencies, subliminals and affirmations help and also learning to be like water, for example as water flows through life down the river it does not stop before hitting a rock, it simply goes over and or around the rock, practice makes perfect also we need to change the standard of tuning for all music.

I heard once "if you think about nothing then you become nothing." I think that once the affirmation etc becomes permanent then it becomes like your identity so if being immortal is one of your affirmations then it would not matter

if you think about nothing since you are immortal. I've heard of a story I think it only took 4,000 people to meditate on world peace for it to come true all around the world during the meditation but affirmations can do the same!

Please use this knowledge for the greater good of all it helps if you write down affirmations and put it on something you do daily like taping it to the middle of the tv

so you read it daily before watching tv or on a doorknob etc please include "There is peace throughout all time and space now and peace will always be here and everywhere" Please share this message everywhere you can on all social media accounts and in person you can summarize this and or show them this message.

For the disbelievers, not trying to be rude because someone said this to me once I looked up the definition and you should to but they were right so my perspective changed.

You are cynical and you have no right to tell me what you think negatively without doing the work to prove me wrong. I put years into my experimenting with about a hundred affirmations and scientific explanations that's why I

can explain anything and everything in the universe. I'm authentic I can't only believe in anything I hear so I search for proof and then prove it true or not with a variety of ways.

I share the truth. I'm not insulting you but simply informing you of the behavior your displaying. Experience and proof always win rather than thoughts and beliefs.

The frequencies constantly fill up your energy centers but some

are good some are bad like an opera singer break glass with her voice. That energy is probably used for survival first then healing, then perfect health our body knows how

to use the energy then once you have healed up and healthy then the energy fills up faster because it takes less energy to maintain health than to become healthy and then you feel great all the time but you still got to keep listening to the frequencies all day everyday until your

full then I think you can listen to higher frequencies but I haven't got there yet like 10,000 Hz but frequencies research is still happening so make sure whatever you listen

to is beneficial to you and others around you because 10,000 hz hurt my back for months until I realized it was causing the pain probably because I needed to fill up on the nine solfeggio first before upgrading further. Beliefs can make anything reality so anything can be true but I know the highest truth and here I share with you.

I'm giving you the highest truth so now is the time to use this knowledge I offer tested and proven so everyone will be peaceful if I get enough of you to listen, think and or say

these affirmations, "Everyone and everything is immortal, There is peace throughout all time and space, everyone feels unconditional love for everyone and everything, everyone is happy" and more repeat all day everyday for faster

results please, We see life through the lens of our belief so I try to wake people up with a variety of experiments, related famous people quotes, scientific explanations, etc

I'm currently doing 2 more experiments for no sleep affirmations and no food for a month or longer, when I get hungry I simply think, "I don't need food to survive and thrive" about 5-10 times then I'm not hungry again for many

hours then repeat when hungry. If I feel discomfort then I think, "I feel great" about 5-10 times then it becomes true. Beliefs make anything reality, make anything true but belief is harder to control consciously but with affirmations you think or say exactly what you want a few times

then it becomes reality, some things take longer because people around you operate on opposing frequencies. If we have more people think or say the affirmations then the

Faster they come true or possibly might take a few people just to make certain affirmations come true like "everyone is immortal" this affirmation probably has the most people operating on an opposite frequency because even spiritual people believe they are meant to die.

Proof and experience always win rather than thoughts and beliefs. When I first heard about affirmations I didn't believe they would work, I ignored them until I found a video by YouAreCreators called "the secrets of frequency and

vibrations" talking about how the nine solfeggio frequencies cured the worst cancer within 70 days for 16 terminally ill cancer patients which sounded more scientific proven due to me remembering an opera singer breaking glass with her voice so I figured there could be good

and bad frequencies for people to and I was right. YouAreCreators put frequencies with affirmations so I decided I can try both at the same time thinking only frequencies would benefit me but they both gave me many

benefits, every affirmation came true after about 2 and a half weeks listening about 24/7 and I started waking up with

this extremely blissful feeling everyday, super happy, infinite energy, thinking faster, better memory, processing information faster and working like I was on an adrenaline rush all day everyday but before the adrenaline rush only last about 5 minutes a day.

Many experiments feeding rabbits equal amounts of fat makes them 60% fatter except the ones that were getting petted and loved they were healthy. Split a pile of rice in 2 talk negative to one pile then positive to the other overtime positive will look better but negative will be completely black. Or with plants growing, same thing.

How do drugs like marijuana affect my Aura and energies? And how can I recharge or reinvigorate my energies?

This Awareness indicates that this plant, that known as marijuana, is in fact, a teacher plant, that which is known as a plant that can have an effect on one who has ingested it. That this particular plant is seen to create an opening in one’s waking consciousness wherein higher perceptual awareness is activated. Thus, entities may become more psychically and spiritually aware.

That this plant can have the effect upon humans wherein it opens one’s inner consciousness to those higher vibrations and octaves of a divine nature or frequency, often causing one to enter into that cosmic level known as higher self-realization.

This Awareness indicates that entities would benefit greatly in developing a clear understanding of the essence and effects of certain plants, drugs and chemicals. That when the aura is in a weakened state, there is much potential for that which is known as possession or negative thought-form or astral attacks.

That when an entity is in a weakened state, that this is when those attacks mostly occur. Thus, when an entity is ingesting large amounts of that which is known as the teacher plant, that of marijuana, that this particular plant as being that which is least destructive to the entity’s aura.

Wherein, other drugs such as alcohol, may have a more destructive effect on one’s aura, often blasting holes in one’s auric layers, creating even greater weakness and vulnerability to those astral or energetic attacks. That in general, that of alcohol expresses more of a depressant effect whereas, that of marijuana produces that of a more euphoric or positive effect.

This Awareness indicates much of the perceptual effect depends upon each entity’s individual preferences, attitudes, beliefs and purposes in using such plants or drugs. That there are many methods of restoring and to reenergize one’s energies when one chooses to stop using such plants or drugs.

That there is seen the concept of fasting in order to remove such residual chemicals and energies from one’s bodily functions, wherein such herbs as comfrey or chamomile or peppermint are consumed, that this appears to be of a general effect in removing such residual effects. That also lemon juice appears as effective in removing such toxins and poisons.

Technically it's fasting without being hungry if you use Affirmations, I think " I don't need food to survive, I don't need food to thrive, I feel great" between 5-15 times then hunger pains go away, if I repeat more then it lasts longer that I don't need food. I have had no food for 7 days now and I have started noticing that all of my abilities are improving like hearing and feeling better etc.

Hence, the action of fasting is seen wherein one’s cellular structures begin to hunger for that residue, that drug, that plant’s chemical and in that hunger, attempts to open wider and wider in an effort to absorb energy.

Whereby, in that process of yearning and moving towards each other, the old residues remaining within the cells begin to move into the elimination process and out of the bodily functions, creating a cleansing effect. That this can take approximately a few weeks to a few months, depending upon each individual’s personal expressions and habits.

That also there is seen the ingesting of fresh water and the consumption of only proper foods of a healthy nature. That also exercise appears as a form of internal cleansing. That also walking in nature or by large bodies of water may have a beneficial effect upon the entity in need of such cleansing.

This Awareness indicates that another important method of toxin removal is seen as simply restricting one’s intake of this plant and refusing to ingest any amount of it. That this method appears as one of the best methods to removing this plant’s residual waste products from one’s body, this being seen to take an average of 3 weeks to 3 months or longer, depending upon each entity’s daily intake.

That some entities may only need a few weeks of cleansing, while others may need a longer period of time in order to attain that perfect state of health.

I've learned from the best then figured the highest truth out myself through experimenting with all knowledge this world had to offer I literally focused only on self improvement and figuring out all the details piecing all the

pieces together for an all inclusive explanation. Don't act like I couldn't figure out the highest truth just because you didn't discover or experiment like I have. Go big or go home that's my motto. I know 100% what I'm talking about

without a doubt because I was fully dedicated to figuring this out since I barely talk to anyone due to me being shy because my empathic abilities are stronger than most but if you think not then ask some questions I can answer any question with truth.

honestly people worship many things with over 2,000 religions your choice to believe in that caused your experiences from my experience current controlling frequencies change the past and it seems because I was determined to find the highest truth after experimenting then

I found it like that quantum physics picture you sent me explains how I'm right. I experiment to prove what I believe to be true to ensure I have the highest truth, have you read my full message at the top of my facebook page pinned to the top? Not the bio but the top post

We can't rely on anyone to give you all your knowledge or you limit everything about yourself. Use discernment carefully, none have the right to deny the highest truth without putting in the work to prove it true or not using the information from the one who knows the highest truth which is me.

There is ego, basically it's like selfish only cares for what it wants and thinks it's always right because technically it is right because beliefs create reality but knowing beliefs create reality can enlighten you but only if you know it as fact like me. Affirmations make anything reality. Wake up obviously your ego has taken over to be so unknowing about life yet think your truth is the highest truth

Does not matter if they all lie because I have used many methods to prove what I have figured out, have you not read my top pinned facebook post with all my experiments? I only refer to other people, quotes, scientific explanations, etc if it aligns with what I have proven that's why I have insight into things you have never heard of.

I'm a man, we all need to grow our hair out never cutting, trimming or waxing because after 3 years we get all enhanced abilities and they enhance more overtime.

I accidentally grew my hair to long and got all enhanced abilities that's how I figured it out, I was playing soccer every week then one day all my abilities improved double and

it was so cool but I was soaked in sweat had to keep drying my face to protect my eyes using my shirt but then it was soaked and I never ran out of energy it was so cool so that night I was like now I need to cut my hair because it traps heat make me sweaty but then I thought wait maybe

my hair gave me the abilities so I searched google "why should I grow out my hair" and found many experiments by the US army talking about how they were hiring Native American Indian trackers for their unique tracking skills and so the younger ones joined for money but forced to cut

their hair then the army said why did you lose your ability and they said "my dad says we get our power from our hair" so they had 10,000 takes like 10 different types of tests with their hair and they did great on everyone of them.

The army would try sneaking up on them while sleeping and the indians would wake up before danger got close and got away and they did hand to hand combat with the best of the army but due to their faster reaction speed they

beat the army every time and more tests but they got the 2 people with the highest scores to redo every test but one had to cut their hair so they did and after the haircut he scored some of the lowest scores of everyone who took the test and the guy who kept his hair kept his scores really high!

By teaching so many I continue to learn new ways to convince people I'm right except for the stubborn that think they know part or all of the highest truth, if think your

cup is full meaning you think you know the highest truth and don't make room to question your own beliefs then you have accepted a lie blindly.

We have many cups but the cup of knowledge must save room to question everything to find the highest truth

My mom said believe in whatever you want but I have gone to church for a while but I always knew to take religions as a guide yes learn from them but don't be to focused on one religion I've learned from Sevan Bomar who read every religion 3 times but I knew I had to look deeper from all teachers.

My boss once told me I had to stop teaching people while I work so I asked myself later why do I need to teach this anyway (trying to cope with that hard decision) then

right away a voice came in my head and said something like "you need to share the truth for world peace, that's why I created over 330 million species so we can hear all the different healing sounds but now we have separated from nature."

Currently I listen to world peace, immortality, no sleep affirmations in my playlist I made it way shorter to get results faster but I say, "I don't need sleep, water or food" but I still drink some water because I want to mainly focus on no food or sleep due to me sharing my message all day. Also think "I feel great and I am healthy"

It seems we need to focus on only a few affirmations at a time because if you listen to a hundred different affirmations then you only give each a little energy daily which might not be enough to make it true

The difference from being in higher and lower vibrations, some are like I get angry when blah blah but happy when blah so technically they don't operate at the same time so that's how they can both be inside you but in different parts

of the body. This is why we need Aaron Doughty's help to learn how to maintain higher vibrations. That's why I'm no longer angry in times I would get angry, feel peaceful, unconditional love like being able to really trust myself and

the universe it's all good and important because affirmations only work if you say the affirmation like a million times a day instead it's better to learn consciously how to stay on those really high vibrational states of being.

Scientist had a group of people hooked up to machines to measure emotions and had them watch a slide show of random pictures but some were babies or evil related and they found that the brain responded to each picture 8 seconds before they seen it. This shows how the higher self tries to prepare us for the future.

Your higher self basically lives a hundred years all instantly every moment using what knowledge you have at the time but due to this you will experience things that you will eventually understand because you learn about it later in life and believe it to be true later in life.

Bruce Lee said to watch words that is why its called spelling

Think, say and or listen to affirmations subliminals frequencies and mantras for, "I have 100,000 dollars" the more

often you repeat then the faster you get the money.

The energy of "I have 100,000 dollars" will expand outward from you every time you repeat "I have 100,000 dollars" literally mind controlling people to give you money I got 6 people trying to send me money now.

I heard of this experiment they volunteer for that gay people have sex with women but either stay gay or become bisexual so I think it proves gay people are meant to be in the world but I only am attracted to women. Also the only thing repeated twice in the bible is "Ye are gods"

Affirmations subliminals frequencies and or mantras work for everyone because they work with energy. If you change something physical with physical things then the problem will manifest in a different way, it works through subconscious fears.

I did some research though in the library of congress they have 15,000 legit research places send results of marijuana experimenting and they concluded that there are

no negative side effects of marijuana use they said if your pregnant though don't smoke because the babies lungs are still forming so I used to smoke but once I reached enlightenment I realized marijuana has a lower vibration

than enlightenment on David R Hawkins scale somewhere from fear many between til enlightenment so I decided to quit the little use I used to do completely and then after about a week then I started feeling great to rise up to the vibrational level that my knowledge is at.

Aaron Doughty on YouTube helped me reach enlightenment, every vibration has an ego difficult to get past without Aaron Doughty

I could listen to music any kind but I always didn't really like most of it and I later found out why, Hitler also used 440Hz to control people and now it is the official standard

of tuning for America and Europe that frequency basically is "Humans are bad and need punishment" this is why violence is in big cities because many people listen to that and get brainwashed without even knowing it

Just like they claim God has spoken us into existence, Affirmations, subliminals, frequencies and mantras make anything reality, for example, "I am happy" will make you happy once said enough times but if you say, "I want to be happy" then you will simply want to be happy. Basically you get what you say, think, believe, etc.

Remember some affirmations come true faster than others because of the Mastermind principle, for example people don't eat all day long but people do believe all day long that they will not live forever so that's why require no food affirmations will come true faster than I am immortal affirmations.

Some affirmations come true faster than others because people emit frequencies while they operate on them

Since we use energy even when the affirmations are true we should continue the affirmations to keep them true or we will use up all the energy then it is no longer true unless you continue the affirmations

when I say affirmations for example "I am Happy" then I create energy to be happy but the affirmation needs to be repeated enough times within a certain amount of time to continue accumulating enough energy to become true

The only bible verse repeated twice is "Ye Are Gods" we can change anything with Affirmations, subliminals mantras and the nine solfeggio frequencies, I have figured

out how to make anything reality and how the universe works after experimenting with hundreds of Affirmations, subliminals, the mantras and the nine solfeggio frequencies.

There is simply energy and energy can be used anyway we choose, I've used subliminals and mantras to become attractive to make people attracted to me that didn't even notice me for a year but that day everyone was smiling at me,

flirting with me, showing off their best achievements and giving me phone numbers, read my top pinned facebook post and all of my comments on it because I've put years of research and hundreds of experimenting into it even after figuring out how to make anything reality and how the universe works

Loop the video by clicking and holding on it while on the desktop version it will say loop click it then if on it then it shows check mark by the loop option then make it full screen then open up wifi settings to get the looped video to go to small screen so you can do other things on your device while you listen to the subliminals

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winterscaptain · 4 years

Text

waldosia.

Aaron Hotchner x Gender Neutral Reader

a/n: this is intended to be part of the ajf universe (berry hill section), but also stands alone! berry hill is probably good to read before this one, just for a little context. this takes place a couple of weeks after berry hill, during the last few minutes of lauren, and continues through the end of season six. there will be two more parts of this section!

summary: the team reels from emily’s loss and finds footing as best they can in the new normal, until, of course, the rug is pulled out from under them again.

words: ~3k warnings: canon death, language, more slow burning

berry hill (part 1) | absence (part 3) | mean it (part 4)

masterlist | a joyful future masterlist | requests closed!

There’s nothing worse than the silence of the waiting room. JJ paces back and forth, waiting and watching for movement down the hall. Hotch has been restless as well, sitting and standing and wandering in equal measure. Seaver perches on her chair, her bare toes digging into the rough fabric of the seat. She’s quiet, staring into nothing.

Dave sits beside her, his elbows on his knees, his hands laced together. His lips never stop moving, and you’re sure he’s praying. It’s odd to see him there without Emily. Much like Derek and Penelope, they usually stick together in tragedy or stress. It’s more than strange to see him without her - almost like missing a limb you didn’t know he had.

You find your eyes tracking Aaron more often than not. There’s tension in his forehead, and his mouth is tight. Your first instinct is, of course, to soothe his hurt, but there’s so much of your own. He meets your eyes, and you pat the seat next to you.

With a heavy sigh, he sits down beside you.

Your voice is quiet, as to not disturb the stillness of the room. “When’s the last time you ate?”

He shakes his head. You reach out and slip your hand into his elbow. He covers it with his own and you lean against each other. Derek and Penelope are in a similar position across from you. She’s tucked under his arm, her hand rubbing back and forth over his chest, still spattered with Emily’s blood.

You can’t imagine what he’s feeling. If it had been Aaron…

The thought is too unbearable to consider. Aaron’s arm flexes around your hand, and you realized the thought brought your shoulders to your ears.

“Are you alright?” His voice is the barest whisper.

You nod. “Just thinking of Derek.”

He takes a deep breath. You know he understands.

‘“I was just...if it had been -”

“Don’t.” His whisper breaks over the word, and his fingers slip between yours around his arm. Your breath catches in the smallest of sobs, and you turn your head into him.

Hours and hours and hours pass. You think you fall asleep once or twice, but it’s fitful and not at all restful. Hotch is back to pacing - traveling a path from the door to the back room and back to you.

Eventually, he sits again, leaning against you once more. You can feel the exhaustion radiating from him. At a certain point, you take him under your arm. He leans his head into your shoulder and closes his eyes. You’re certain he doesn’t get any sleep, but you appreciate the effort. It’s all for you.

JJ returns, and you all straighten, waiting for her to say something. She can’t speak.

Penelope says something, but you can’t hear her. You can’t hear JJ, though you know her mouth is moving. You sag forward, nearly falling out of your chair. Aaron catches you as he stands, his arms locked around you.

Spencer rushes past JJ, but she stops him. They speak, but you still can’t hear over the rushing in your ears. You find your feet and turn into Aaron, whose hand presses your head to his chest. Your whole body buzzes with something cold and unpleasant, like a shot straight to your nervous system. You’d take a bullet again, rather than feel this.

Slowly, he guides you to the chair on the other side of Penelope. You cling to her, Aaron’s jacket still around you. She’s sobbing, and you can’t feel a thing. When you look up again, JJ has her arms around Spencer, who looks much like you. Broken. Soggy. Weak.

Tired eyes track Aaron as he rounds the corner to the back hallway. JJ finds him a minute later, and you still can’t hear them.

You can’t hear anything.

+++

The funeral is wretched. When the hearse arrives, you help Aaron with his white pallbearer gloves, buttoning them around his wrists and straightening his tie. Your hands linger on his lapel. His shaky breath shudders through him under your hands, and when you look up at him, his eyes are closed.

One of his hands covers yours and you grasp his fingers.

It’s too soon.

We can’t do this again.

It’s too soon.

“There’s never enough time,” he says, almost inaudible.

You squeeze his hand and release him, smoothing out his coat and collar and the hair at his temples before letting him pass. Derek and Spencer take the first pair of handles, Dave and Anderson the second. Will and Hotch share a look before taking the final pair.

You offer your arm to JJ, who takes it, and you follow the men across the cemetery. Penelope and Ashley trail behind you, also arm-in-arm.

Ashley’s been a gift - quiet and warm and observant - through this whole ordeal. You’ve done your best to welcome her into the fold. She doesn’t need to feel like a replacement or a burden. She’s a member of your team. Maybe not a member of your family, but your teammate nevertheless.

The whole affair is far too quiet, far too solemn, to really be a celebration of Emily’s life. Hotch returns to your side once she’s laid over her grave. He gives you a rose and an arm. You take both, the wool of his coat soft against your fingers. Both he and JJ decided to leave the boys at home, but wouldn’t tell you why.

Privately, you figure it’s too much for Jack, and it would be best to keep him and Henry together. Two funerals in as many years is too much for anyone, let alone someone just six. Jess is with the boys at JJ’s house. There’s nothing that woman can’t do, and you love her for it.

Looking around, you realize everyone in attendance is a familiar face. Emily’s mother is the only one you don’t know well, but you’d know a Prentiss anywhere. She dabs at her face with a handkerchief, and a well of spite rises within you. There��s no reason for her to be here.

You’re her family. You will survive her.

+++

Derek is in shambles. You spend as much time with him as you can, but he’s more withdrawn than you’ve ever seen him. JJ and Spencer have clung together, as have you and Aaron. Dave and Derek aren’t as close, and they’re both wildly independent, so they’ve sort of drifted in Emily’s absence.

It’s your mission to keep them in one piece - sharing meals and filling empty evenings with movies and poker and company. You find yourself at Dave’s often, with Jack in your lap and Hotch and Derek on either side of you.

You have rapidly become the team’s backbone - a role you take on with energy and a certain degree of joy. Taking care of them helps you forget your own grief, and never leaves you without company.

+++

Seaver’s graduation is a spot of joy in an otherwise dreary few months. You shout and whistle at all the appropriate times, remembering all too well what it felt like on the other side. There’s a moment where you share a smile with Hotch, and it almost feels normal.

“Remember that?” You ask, tipping your chin toward Seaver. She’s beaming, holding her new credentials in her hand as she greets her family.

He nods. “Do you?”

You snort. “Oh, please. How could I forget?” The day lives rent-free in your mind. Hotch passing you your credentials, badge, and ID tag is a memory that will stay with you forever.

“Glad I made an impression.” His smirk is well-concealed, but you elbow him in the ribs for good measure.

“Shut up.”

He quirks a brow at you, and you grin.

Almost normal. Almost.

+++

Your phone wakes you, and you pick it up right away, recognizing your ringtone for Hotch. “Yeah?”

“Hey, it’s me.”

You flip your bedside lamp on and rub your eyes. You’d be lying if you said you were getting any sleep yourself, and you’re almost relieved you have some kind of company. “Hey, Aaron. What’s up?”

“I’m sorry to wake you -”

“You didn’t.”

He pauses. “Why aren’t you sleeping?”

“I could hazard a guess it’s the same reason as you.” You play with the comforter, the fabric a necessary distraction. “Is Jack still with Jessica?”

“Yeah, for the rest of the week. He’s got a school trip thing, and I didn’t want to leave him if a case came up. They’ll be back from the mountains on Sunday afternoon.”

Your lower lip disappears between your teeth. “Do you want any company? Sometimes it’s -”

“Please.” He cuts you off, and you snap your mouth shut, already throwing the covers back.

“I’ll be there soon.”

The drive is quiet, the Virginia highways barren at nearly two in the morning. You pull into the garage in your usual guest spot and climb the stairs.

Though you have a key, you knock twice before using it.

Always good form to warn an armed federal agent when you’re about to enter his home in the goddamn middle of the night.

He invited you.

Yeah, still. Would hate to get shot on a night off.

The kitchen light is on when you enter, and you lock the door behind you before checking it out. You leave your shoes at the door and drop your keys in the dish.

He's standing at the counter, fixing two cups of tea. Wordlessly, he passes one to you.

You follow him to the bedroom, turning lights off as you go. He slips under the covers, and pats the covers.

“Thanks for the tea,” you say, settling in beside him.

It’s become sort of routine. Since Berry Hill, sharing a bed has become far less taboo and far more common. Even when Jack’s home, you’ve set up the couch for yourself before spending the night next to Aaron. That way, you can wake up early and settle in the living room before he wakes up, or make it look like you slept on the couch even if he wakes to find you in his father’s room.

The element of surprise is always a gift - Jack is more than thrilled to find you whenever you spend the night. He doesn’t know to ask questions, and really you aren’t sure what you’d say even if he did.

Aaron would probably have the words. He’s good at that kind of stuff.

You sit together in silence, sipping out of your mugs and enjoying the quiet darkness. When you’re done, you leave it on the coaster on your bedside - well, on the bedside table.

“Can’t sleep?” You ask.

Aaron’s been finished for a while, his empty mug on his table. He’s already settled in, laying on his side toward you with his hand tucked under his cheek. “Not tonight.”

“Is it Emily?”

He nods. “Yeah, something like that.” There’s more, but he’s never been too good at articulating his feelings. You’ve learned it’s best to just keep him company and not push too hard.

You slide down, bringing the covers up to your chin. “Come here.”

He smiles in the dark and wraps you in his arms. It’s already easier to close your eyes, and you know you won’t be half as scared to confront what you find behind them. His breath fans across the top of your head, much more steady than when you arrived. “Thank you.”

“Of course. Sleep tight, Aaron.”

He tucks his face into your hair, and after a few moments, you hear his breath slow and even out. You lean back, finding his face completely relaxed.

That’s better.

With him asleep, you’re able to tune out your thoughts in favor of his heartbeat against your cheek.

+++

Jack is long asleep when it’s your turn to need company. You’re on the couch, wrapped in Aaron’s arms, sobbing into his chest. Earlier, you found a bank of recorded shows in your cable box that you were waiting to watch with Emily. The realization that you’d never be able to watch them with her knocked you out at the knees, and there was nothing you could do but sit on the floor and cry.

When you caught your breath, you called Aaron and took a cab over to the apartment. Your tears didn’t let up for a single moment on the way there, and started anew when you saw him.

You couldn’t speak, but he just led you to the couch and let you curl up against him. With his cheek against your hair, he rubs your back until you can finally breath without hiccuping.

“What was it?”

“The shows.” You sniff, and wipe your nose on your sleeve. “I was saving shows to watch with her. They didn’t stop recording. I didn’t think to -” A fresh wave starts, and you tuck your head back into his shoulder. You do your best not to wail, keeping quiet for Jack’s sake, “I didn’t think to stop recording them. I don’t even really like them, but we always watched together.”

His next words are familiar to you. “It’s all about the routine.”

Those are the same words you used after Haley died. One of his first breakdowns after her death came when he was packing Jack’s bag for the week, getting ready to drop him off at her place. When he realized there was nowhere to go, nowhere to take him, it knocked the life out of him just like your shows did tonight.

“Once you find something to fill the space,” you’d told him, “things get a lot easier to manage.”

And it was true. That was the first weekend he called you to come spend the day with Jack, and your time together patched some of the holes.

He squeezes you to him. “Do you want to find something to watch together? We can start a new show or maybe movie nights with Jack? Maybe with Will, JJ, and Henry? What do you think?”

You give him a watery smile. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

+++

Andy Swan is a trip and a half, and you find yourself liking her a little more than you thought you would. She and Aaron have a great deal of history, and you enjoy the way they give each other a hard time - pushing and pulling for control of a stressful investigation. They’re different, but highly complementary in their leadership.

It almost reminds you of your relationship with Derek - mutual respect in droves, but a supreme lack of patience, and a little more good humor than is actually necessary.

It’s only when the case is over that shit hits the fan.

You’re all in the conference room following the successful completion of the case. Doyle, of course, has been on your minds since Emily’s death, and you spend at least fifteen hours a week maintaining the not-so-sanctioned investigation into his whereabouts.

But this wasn’t about Doyle.

“I’ve been assigned to a joint task force in Pakistan for an indefinite amount of time.”

The news knocks the breath out of you, and your eyes flicker around the table. Everyone is just as shocked as you are, though you’d like to imagine the short-circuit you’re experiencing is all your own.

“What do you mean?” The question leaves your lips before you can stop it, and Hotch’s brown eyes meet yours. There’s an apology in them.

“Tomorrow, I leave for Pakistan. I’m not sure how long I will be gone. Derek will take over as Acting Unit Chief in the meantime.”

Derek’s eyebrows shoot to his hairline. “You’re kidding.”

“You carried off the job very well last year, and I have no doubt you will have the same amount of success in my absence.”

Derek looks like he wants to speak again, but refrains.

“I understand this is less than convenient. You’ll all have the declassified brief in your inboxes by the end of the day today with more information about the transition. You’re all dismissed for the day.” With a final nod, he walks out of the conference room, leaving you all slack-jawed and more than a little confused.

JJ’s eyes meet yours, and you shrug. You ask, “Has he said anything about this to you?”

“I’ve heard approximately nothing about it,” she replies, peering down the hall.

Goddamn you, Hotchner.

He’s packing up his briefcase when you pass his office. You don’t stop, sitting down at your desk. You’re surprised frost doesn’t rise from the ground at your feet.

There’s a moment where he stops at your desk on the way out of the bullpen, but you just stare at him. He opens his mouth as if to speak, then closes it. After a moment, he finally says, “Jack is with Jessica tonight.”

You have no idea what your face looks like, but it’s enough to drop his shoulders and send him on his way, defeated.

+++

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colin-therightstuff · 4 years

Text

Watch Jake McDorman and Patrick J. Adams in the The Right Stuff Comic-Con at Home teaser

The exclusive clip shows the future astronauts as they take their first steps in becoming the historical Mercury Seven.

The Mercury Seven astronauts are ready to blast off into the cosmos in the Disney+ and National Geographic collaboration The Right Stuff, but first audiences must go on a journey with Alan Shepard (Jake McDorman), John Glenn (Patrick J. Adams), Gordon Cooper (Colin O'Donoghue), Scott Carpenter (James Lafferty), Gus Grissom (Michael Trotter), Wally Schirra (Aaron Staton), and Deke Slayton (Micah Scott) as the premiere United States space program begins to take shape.

In the Comic-Con at Home teaser, debuting exclusively on EW, a large group of military test pilots try out to become astronauts and partake in a stringent selection process in 1959. Fans are invited to watch the virtual event for The Right Stuff, premiering on Disney+ this fall, starting at 4 p.m. ET via this YouTube link.

"The series starts a little bit later than Tom Wolfe starts his book, in fact, a lot later because he starts with the test pilots before the Mercury astronauts come along," series creator and showrunner Mark Lafferty tells EW. "We start in 1959, right before the first seven astronauts were chosen and then we go right through to the end of the first manned space flight, which is Alan Shepard's flight in May of 1961. So it's a period of about a little less than two years. Sometimes our episodes will have a bit of a time jump in between the episodes but it's pretty seamless."

But don't expect the series to merely be a history lesson, there's also personal and professional drama. Visually, The Right Stuff recalls the fell and style of Catch Me If You Can and AMC's Mad Men. But the comparisons don't end there. Lafferty hints that McDorman's Shepard shares a number of qualities with Don Draper (portrayed by Jon Hamm).

"We wanted to show just how competitive these guys were, and how, right from the start, they're all sizing each other up," he explains. "It's no mistake, that the scene from the Comic-Con clip ends with our two most prominent pilots John Glenn and Alan Shepard kind of sizing one other up which sets the tone for the rivalry between these two men."

He adds, "Their lives outside of work are also a big part of the story. For Glenn, we have a guy who is dealing with so much unbridled ambition. He was probably the only one of the Mercury Seven, who had a truly happy marriage and didn't cheat on his wife. But he has some inner demons and he was a bit of an outsider in this group of cocky, hard-drinking, card playing, group of individuals. We get to see how that not only affects his career but also his home life with his wife Annie [portrayed by Nora Zehetner].

McDorman, who previously starred on the short-lived CBS drama Limitless, teases the rivalry between Shepard and Gleen, and shares insight into the personal aspects of his character that the series will explore.

"As you know, John Glenn was a very private person who was great at a press conference and incredible with giving the right soundbite. He was an ace pilot in the Korean war, a decorated pilot," McDorman explains. "He had also been on some game shows so he was well acquainted with the spotlight. Where Shephard was all about the work and all about the methodical nature of being an efficient test pilot. Glenn was a squeaky clean, Christian man and Shepard wasn't. It was very much this rivalry between competing ideologies and ethos. And both were incredibly both still incredibly cutthroat and ambitious."

He adds, "All the astronauts, except for John Glenn, are all fighter jocks who love a good whiskey and cigars — total Don Drapers of their time. Calling them adrenaline junkies would be putting it mildly. They were working in a field where only 1 out of 3 survived annually, or something like that. The Right Stuff really shows these people who are comfortable with fear and how they lived like it too. Alan Shepard definitely had his vices and he wasn't shy about it, which for me was very fun to play."

Lafferty explains that he has a lot of plans for the show's future should they be given the chance to develop another season. He's interested in possibly diving further into the stories of Sally Ride, the first American woman in space, as well as the Space Shuttle Challenger disaster.

"There are so many facets of this era and this idea of space flight that I really hope audiences can see," he says. "In the first season of The Right Stuff, the Mercury Seven were seven white guys. I'm a father and I have two young girls and I hope that as we mover further through the series and hopefully into further seasons, our plan has always been that in the long arc of NASA and the course of many decades that we can tell other stories.

"We'd love to talk about Jerrie Cobb, one of the Mercury 13 astronauts who up until recently not a lot of people knew about. There's also Ed Dwight, the first African-American test pilot who has an important story we'd love to tell. When the program first opened, it was only available to a few White American test pilots but over time things evolved and opened the door for Sally Ride and so many others who ultimately broke through. We hope The Right Stuff is the launch of a story but it isn't the full story."

There are also two tidbits from pop culture history that he'd love to appear in the future related to space history. Series executive producer Leonardo DiCaprio portrayed 1960's fraudster Fred Abagnale in Catch Me if You Can, who could easily catch a launch on television while zipping through airports while impersonating a pilot. And Barbara Eden, who played a 2,000-year-old genie, who meets and falls in love with her astronaut master on I Dream of Jeannie, is still very much alive.

"With Leo, that, unfortunately, didn't happen this season because he was working on this behind-the-scenes through his production company," Lafferty says. "I have to say, it would be a dream come true to pull something like that off in a future season. And as far as Barbara Eden is concerned, oh my God! That would be a dream come true too. Maybe in season 2 if she watches and is a fan of our show, we could maybe twist her arm. I grew up watching her on summer afternoons and there's a warm spot in my heart for Barbara Eden."

(x)

#colin o'donoghue #the right stuff #the right stuff teaser #comic con at home #the right stuff news #the right stuff cons #the right stuff cast #colin trs

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takeiteasypeasybaby · 3 years

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Save Me: Chapter 66 - What Is Left

~Hey guys! Chapter 66 is out now :) Thank you to all of you who have been reading Save Me from the start or have just joined our family now, I love you all!~

Molly finds herself protecting what is left and discovers the lengths she will go to keep the ones she cares about safe, while Negan asks Molly a question that hasn't been discussed in a long time.

A day had passed and I hadn't seen Negan or Lydia.

I waited for hours outside the cell, just praying that she would choose us.

If she wanted to leave, I would let her because I love her but I also just want her to be safe and I will get her to that place wherever it may be.

Gabriel brought her food three times a day but she refused to see me.

It was my fault that this happened to her so I understood why but it still stung like a bitch.

From sitting on the step outside the cell, I could clearly see the front gates and I would watch them religiously, just hoping that Negan would come back soon.

I knew that they were going far out and that integrating him into our community was key but I still worried about him.

Though I knew he was more than capable of handling himself out there, even without Lucille.

I always wrote Lydia little notes on small pieces of paper about all the ways in which she is strong just to remind her when she felt herself questioning it.

Today, I wrote another and posted it through the cell window, in between the bars as I heard it drop to the concrete floor.

I didn't know if she read them, but the sentiment was still there that I cared about her and that others did as well.

I sighed and started to stand up and walk home as it was getting dark when out of the corner of my eye I saw the gates slide open slowly.

I smiled and said 'thank god' as I ran down to the gates and jumped into Negan's arms.

He was covered in walker blood, so was Aaron.

I didn't ask what happened out there but I could tell by Negan's expression that something bad went down.

He propped me down gently and smiled as I said seductively 'c'mon let's go home, I have a treat for you'.

I grabbed his hand and made him follow me to the house.

Once we were inside, I pushed him against the wall as I kicked the door shut with my foot and crashed my lips against his.

He smirked as he burst into action, taking control of the kiss as his hands travelled up my waist until they landed on my jaw.

His lips tasted sweet and soft against mine but I could feel his hesitation like he was only doing this for me.

I moved us off the wall and manoeuvred over to the couch so I could straddle him.

He smiled gently and wrapped his arms around my waist as he sat up to hold me closer.

I teased him and stood up slowly as I hovered over him, planting a quick kiss on his lips before I started to slowly undress.

His smile faded and he grabbed my hand pulling me gently back to the couch.

I frowned and asked softly, 'what is it?'.

'I'm sorry, I want nothing more than to screw your goddamn brains out, truly' he said smirking which made me chuckle.

'But?' I asked slowly.

'But, there's something pressing on my mind' he replied.

I nodded and said, 'alright, what is it?'.

He looked down sadly and asked 'do you hate me for what I did to Glenn and Abraham?'.

I raised my eyebrows and looked down as I hesitated giving him a reply.

'I forgave you' I replied softly, barely believing it myself.

'It's not the same, do you hate me?' he asked again as I avoided his gaze.

'No, but I wanted to. I hated myself for not hating you, I felt like I owed it to my friends to hate you but I just couldn't. Every time that they would tell me that you were evil, I never saw you that way, even when I went to the Sanctuary' I said hesitantly.

'When I left you, I was heartbroken because I hated myself, not you. It killed me that you killed two people who were close to me, but the part that hurt the most was that I understood why and that if I was in your position, I would've done the same thing. It made me believe that I wasn't a good person, but maybe there is no good or bad in this world, just people who do whatever it takes to survive' I said softly.

He listened to every word until he finally understood and nodded as he wrapped an arm around me as I snuggled closer.

'I never slept at the Sanctuary, not until you. Maybe I got a few hours but never fully. I used to drink until the morning and then get straight back to work because being alone in my thoughts would haunt me. I never let myself stop or think, I just did what was necessary at the time for my people to survive. I only became a monster because that's what the world needed. I thought I needed to stop caring to be a great leader, but turns out I was very wrong. I regret what I did now, I wish I could take that pain away for these people, for you because I'm not that same guy anymore. I feel like myself again, just new and improved' he said softly as he leant his head against mine.

I reached up and kissed his cheek as he smiled.

'I don't think you're improved, I think it's always been in you' I said.

He chuckled, saying 'well, that's thanks to you Molly, you did that' as he kissed my forehead and stroked my hands.

I smiled and said softly 'I love you'.

'I love you too' he replied happily as he held me closer.

The following day...

I stood on the terrace, looking out onto the compound and over the fields as I oversaw the work.

I was in my own thoughts when I heard footsteps behind me and I turned around briskly.

It was Lydia.

She walked up hesitantly and came to stand next to me as we both watched the world go by.

'Hi' she said quietly as I said the same at the same time.

We both giggled and I started to apologise when she said 'I'm sorry Molly, you were trying your best to protect me and you didn't deserve my ungratefulness. I guess being here, being with you and Negan reminded me that the parents I had were gone and that my mother didn't love me'.

I just shook my head and said 'there's nothing to forgive' as I pulled her into a hug as I rested my head on hers.

'I want this, I wanna live here, with you and Negan because I love you both' she said softly which made me tear up.

'I love you too' I replied as I held her tightly.

'Oh, I almost forgot, I had this made for you' I said excitedly as I grabbed the wooden stick from my bedroom.

It had nunchucks on the ends and spiked edging for walkers.

Lydia's eyes lit up as she stared in awe at it.

'For me?' she asked happily.

I nodded, 'mhm, all yours. I even engraved your name on the side' I said pointing it out as we smiled.

'Do you like it?' I asked happily.

'I love it, thank you' she said.

'Can I go train with it?' she added.

'Of course, go see Aaron, he'll give you some tips' I said smiling as she ran out the house squealing with excitement which made me laugh.

Later on in the day, Rosita stopped by to talk.

She wanted to apologise for the way she acted about Negan and swore she just wanted me to be happy and safe.

We talked about our families, Rosita's daughter Coco and her boyfriend Gabriel and of course Negan and Lydia.

The topic of Negan was kept brief for obvious reasons as we both didn't wanna fight anymore, we had been for years and it was exhausting.

It was time to just finally support each other and not judge.

Speaking of judgement, I asked her about Eugene.

He was playing a large role in helping Rosita with Coco, sometimes even more so than Siddiq or Gabriel (the father and the boyfriend).

Rosita told me that it was complicated, because she had feelings for him and he did for her but she loved Gabriel and would never hurt him.

The fact that she opened up to me about this stuff, made me realise that through thick and thin, we could fight like families do but we would always have each other's back.

I couldn't tell her anymore than she already knew in her heart and that was to be with whoever she found herself gravitating to.

Not just sexually or romantically, but practically, who was the person she wanted to share things with?

That's how I knew Negan and I were real, we had a deeper connection than most when we met, one that was greater than the both of us.

I had to cut our talk short because Michonne told me she was going to Oceanside with Judith and RJ for weapons and other resources.

So I would be leader again while she was gone and with Luke leading Hilltop, I felt positive about the coming war.

Everyday I would receive updates from them about how everyone was doing and the current situation, whisperers, hoards, that sort of thing.

The whisperers hadn't found their way to Oceanside as far as we knew, so we usually used it for training and the holding of weapons.

Each day when Michonne would call, Judith would always tell me who beat who at chess and brag that she killed the most walkers, just like her Auntie Molly.

Michonne and I would always laugh and joke about this, but there was always a serious undertone that the whisperers could attack at any moment and that we should always be prepared.

I had to protect everyone and make sure we all could fight well so when Connie and Kelly had asked if they could join them, I granted it because the other day, Kelly had a run in in the woods with a walker and she couldn't hear it behind her.

She wasn't bit, but it screwed with her head, so I asked Daryl to go with them just in case while I stayed at Alexandria.

I knew that Daryl wouldn't say no to helping Connie anyway, so I could rely on him to keep them safe on their journey, plus the beach would be peaceful.

So, we were almost near the cusp of war.

Our people were training hard and fighting in different communities, but all fighting for the same thing - our future.

#twd #negan #the walking dead #negans thirst squad #negan x original female character #saveme #michonne #mollychambler #lydia twd

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