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eeveecraft · 4 months

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The Pros and Cons of Following a Single Tulpamancy Philosophy

When it comes to Tulpamancy, especially with the perception of tulpas as a concept, there are multiple philosophies that the community has created over the years. The two primary philosophies being:

1. The Child Philosophy by Cjero

2. The Friend Philosophy by The Dragonheart System (us)

Both aim to create a base set of principles on how tulpas should be viewed and therefore treated. Both philosophies were created years apart from each other when the community has overall changed quite a bit, and on different subsections of the Tulpamancy Community that hold slightly different ideals. So, it’s important to keep that in mind when comparing the two.

Cjero's child philsophy mostly focuses on treating a tulpa's development like the development of a child, but sets the connotation of a tulpa being akin to a child and therefore (even though this shouldn’t be the case) implies a lack of mutual respect and can downplay a tulpa’s ability to be independent. The way they write about protecting a tulpa from bad thoughts, or “vaccinat[ing]” them by gradually exposing them to negativity feels very infantilizing. It forgets that the tulpa is inhabiting your brain with you (a most likely adult brain), most likely has access to all your memories, and therefore is already well-aware that the out-world can majorly suck. However, it’s focus on being patient with a tulpa like a parent caring for a baby is a good message.

Our philosophy focuses on the idea of treating a tulpa like a friend from a faraway place, emphasizing equality and mutualistic exchanges, but does not account for relationships that are familial or less common. How we tackled development with this philosophy was having the idea be that your tulpa is from a foreign place, and therefore needs help getting the hang of things. But unlike a child, the tulpa is treated with a higher degree of respect and already has a vague sense of what needs to be done to adapt (like learning the local language, i.e. vocality, etc). We try to avoid the demeaning connotations this way, and from the feedback we got, everyone liked it.

Now, what are the pros and cons of just picking one and sticking with it? Well, for cons, you limit your viewpoint. You limit the ability to take what you like that best suits your system’s needs. Maybe you like the level of delicacy and care the child philosophy emphasizes, but are not a fan of the infantilizing of the tulpa. Maybe you enjoy the emphasis on mutualistic friendship with the friend philosophy, but your relationship with your tulpa wouldn’t really work as a friendship. If you stick with only one, you may very likely find that there are things missing that you wish were there. Another con: these philosophies can become outdated. The Child Philosophy very much reflects a different time in the community where equality was not as much of a focus, and despite how hard we tried to make The Friend Philosophy timeless, I wouldn’t be shocked if it also inevitably becomes dated and does more harm than good. If you stick with a stagnant ideology in a changing world, you’ll likely fall behind and suffer for it.

For pros: choosing one philosophy is definitely simpler, as each philosophy is contained in a single post. Another pro is that each philosophy is subjective and you don’t have to follow them to a T. But overall, I’d say deliberately choosing a single philosophy to follow has more downsides than upsides.

Note: I found some more philosophies later on after writing most of this, but they’re mostly metaphysical/religious, which wasn’t what I was going for when talking about Tulpamancy philosophies. We don’t really cover metaphysical/religious topics here, but I wanted to leave this addendum in case you want to check them out yourself.

What was the point of this post? I don’t know. I was bored and felt like checking on these two philosophies and decided to compare them. At the end of the day, these philosophies serve as guidelines, not strict rules, and you can use them as starting points for your own philosophy. What matters is that you treat your tulpa like a person. Anyway, hope you enjoyed, and this is proof that this blog isn’t dead.

12-27-2023

#tulpamancy #plurality #endogenic #actuallyplural #longer post #comparison #friend philosophy #child philosophy

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nowimnothing-inc · 6 months

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Neon Genesis Evangelion (1995-)

Creator/Dir: Hideaki Anno

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spotsupstuff · 10 months

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Did saint ever ascend biting notos? Also how was the gang’s reunion in the void?

of course Saint has! after all, its sole reason for existence is this. no matter how lonely and difficult the quest will be for it, everyone has to go

as for your second question... my god as u can see i went off on the first one, this is legit the biggest comic i've ever done- i'll do some stuff for the reunion in the void at a later point i prommy 😩✌ it'd be better like that either way. these guys haven't been introduced enough for my tastes for the big relief ending yet

#Spot says stuff #rain world #rw #oc tag #// body horror //#rw saint #iterator oc #rw iterator #oc: biting notos #oc: filler iterators #philosophy sessions au #my art #shout out to Spore for being introduced by her death u go filler girl! im... trynna fluff up the group a lil since the whole late game-#-story depends so much on the unity of iterators n itd be nice to have at least Some repeating names 😔#notos' way of speakin does NOT MATCH WELL with LONG ASS MONOLOGUES yet it KEEPS HAVIN LONG ASS MONOLOGUES. FUCK YOU TOO CHILD #saint keeps reminding me of the rabbit from pooh and then like. shendu from jca my god what a combo

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bonefall · 28 days

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So, your Clear Sky post is absolutely horrifying, but it was very needed, so thank you. What are your general thoughts on tackling his abuse for the AU? Like you've said, pretending he's a good guy is not the way to go, but are you planning on toning down *some* of the situations, just to give some of the cats a break? Clear Sky is a very realistic depiction of abusers, but that seems to come across even without victim number 25, yknow? I'm very curious about how you'd like to go about this.

My most recent big change was bringing Slash back into the fold, because I realized that it was actually a disservice to not address where DOTC's themes dip into Colonialism. It's a hard topic, and I'm still trying to work out the details, but I realized it was important.

With how BB!DOTC is such a MASSIVE overhaul, to properly address abuse and the ways it impacts you, ableism and its violence, and xenophobia broadly, a huge reworking of Slash belonged here too. He's one of the greatest examples of how badly WC demonizes non-Clanborn cats. I shouldn't dance around it.

That's what I need to do with Skystar.

MANY of his victims have happier endings than canon, though. Bumble is one of the most famous, bumped up into a major character and directly responsible for the formation of ThunderClan. Bright Storm is taking most of Gray Wing's roles. Birch and Alder are getting examined, with either a father who wants his kids back or Milkweed as the mate of Misty.

A lot of people will die because of him, even more will be hurt, but I see BB!DOTC as a story about victims and survivors.

Others might grab POVs here and there, but as a response to canon which I feel is Clear Sky's story told in many parts, I center this rewrite around Thunder Storm. The path of kindness he marches down, with love and with anger, and the people he helps.

So BB!Star Flower...

Previously I was playing her as ENTIRELY just manipulating Clear Sky. She was loyal to One Eye and trying to get at Skystar to bleed him dry for 8 lives to sacrifice; but connected to Thunderstar over recognizing him as a victim who deserves her idea of justice. So, she offers Thunderstar the final kill, so her father will be grateful to him and he'll get power AND the death of his abuser.

(When Thunderstar looks upon Skystar, pathetic and neutralized down to one life, he thinks about the collateral damage that will descend upon the forest if he accepts the deal. He decides that he has found the line between Justice and Justification. Of course he wants the power to make his enemies cower, protect his people, and eliminate Clear Sky so he never threatens them again; that's not the problem.

He can still do these things. He wouldn't NEED the power of a war god to do so.

But if One Eye returns, he will be endlessly hungry, ruthlessly dedicated to revenge, and set out to devour the whole forest. Everything would get worse, and even more people he loves would die. It's where his desire to destroy a monster would lead to him BECOMING one.)

Even on its face, it was previously missing an element. There's a step between "Starf decides to bring One Eye back" and "Starf offers Thunderstar the final kill" that was bare. This is the piece that was missing-- That she, herself, is trying to reach out to the only person who's ever really understood her.

But more importantly... I do feel this topic belongs here, in BB!DOTC. Abuse is a MAJOR theme. SKYSTAR is a monster already. He's harmed two wives in BB (Bright Storm and Falling Cry) and played toxic games with all three kits (Thunder Storm, Pale Sky, Tiger Sky).

And I'd avoid Star Flower being abused... why? Because it's uncomfortable to confront the pattern that Clear Sky displays? That in-canon, he tries to cut all his victims into the same ideal shape, from Storm to Thunder to Star Flower? ...it should be uncomfortable. Everything that I described in Clear Sky Is A Monster is rooted in the same desire for control, power, and punishment most abusive people share, he just happens to be a severe example.

Yes. That includes how he treats his child and romantic partners. The parallels that are drawn between Starf and Thunder are there because he wants power in the form of obedience. Starf replaces the son as a narrative award for his "growth" of not killing random people anymore for a while.

A cookie cutter is an effective tool because IT ONLY MAKES ONE SHAPE.

You know what's more uncomfortable? Reading canon!DOTC and seeing someone who hurt you reflected almost perfectly in the character the writers think did nothing wrong. Because of "good intentions" that were not there.

I will say though, just to be clear; I don't see a purpose in being more than PG-13 about serious topics for this project. I promise none of my intentions have changed. Nothing will be more graphic or gorey than canon WC-- just more intentional.

I'm keeping the sacrifice because it's dope. No one is taking this from me. Girl Moment: Killed her awful husband 8 times to count as 8 sacrifices and offered the last life to her buddy as a show of good will. How else do you make friends outside of high school

But I know now that Star Flower NEEDS to keep the canon fact she has very little agency, UNTIL that moment she snaps.

She's sacrificing one abuser to try and bring back a bigger, badder one, because in spite of everything, her father One Eye always made her feel safe. Even though he promised her off to Skystar, and expected her to be willing to die for him. She's followed every command, every order, past the death of his mortal vessel.

The first, and only, selfish choice she's ever made was in reaching out to Thunderstar to offer him the power of her father.

Thunderstar's Justice is a story about a Thunder Storm at the pinnacle of his arc, how the survivors of his Clan are settling into the new normal after the carnage of The First Battle, how Skystar's arrogance brings a violent god to the Forest... and the connection Thunderstar makes with the daughter of a monster.

#Kronk meme: ''Oh Yeah. It's all coming together''#I'll be making the fragments in another post #Just because this one's getting really long #It works well as an explanation of my intentions #I think I had been making a mistake previously to conceive of BB!Starf as a femme fatale who seduced Sky #Again: I'm not perfect! As I analyze and re-read with a more critical eye. My art changes.#Tho I will admit I do like the idea of a Starf who is totally cognizant of how she can manipulate a villain #Into doing what she wants. I do love myself a powerful and scheming woman #It's that it didn't fit my story or my themes OR even the purpose of BB as a fixit that addresses canon #Better bones au #BB!DOTC #BB!Star Flower #BB!Skystar #BB!Thunder Storm #Also imo this philosophy will let me make BB!One Eye what I think he deserves and works best as #THE WORSE OF TWO EVILS #The Tyrant of Tyrants #And man.... the idea that Skystar becomes the Clan patron of war...#The God of Summer laughs at him.#''Outdone and reeling your wounded pride speaks the words your tender mouth can never say''#''That you were outclassed and now you obsess over the bigger monster you aren't good enough to become''#''You fell into the step of a lion and think you can replicate what my paw does without effort.''#Cw abuse #Tw abuse #Abuse #Child abuse

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fryandleelasbigfling · 4 months

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writing fry like a child:

unoriginal

flanderizes his stupidity in the same way as every other flanderized 'stupid' character out there

vaguely ableist

makes his relationship with leela very weird

writing bender like a child:

comically surreal for his species

reframes his egotism in a more funny/compelling/sympathetic way by just having him in a perpetual developmental stunt

somewhat canon compliant (he started the series as a two-year-old)

makes his relationship with fry and leela even funnier

#futurama #philip j fry #bender #obv i dont think bender IS a child but my philosophy for writing him is to imagine him as an attention-seeking teenager w an identity crisi #fry has a lot of developmental issues going on but hes so strongly coded as ND it is so uncomfortable to see the show joke abt him-#-being an actual child and not just a grown man w some childish interests #and also its just not funny lol. sick of 'stupid' characters being written that way #anyway remember bender coloring in fun on a bun. that was adorable

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aurae-rori · 23 days

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after pain : aventio fic

— #aventio #ratiorine fic

— poetic narrative

— relationship/character analysis

— fluffy and comfy :)

— technically wrote this awhile back lmao

— 2.3k words https://archiveofourown.org/works/54107008

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theshadowworker · 5 months

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You don’t have to be a philosopher; you just have to want to know who you are

- Padmasambhava

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waterghostype · 2 months

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just watched the samurai x legacy short Why was harumi there

#aphid philosophy #ninjago #i get model reusing but i think shes a bit too significant to just be there #and also they put so much focus on her. was that on purpose actually #bc i could forgive it if she was just there for filler but they showed so many focused shots of child harumi im like hold on

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cozshewasallyellow · 3 months

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poetry for me is parenting my inner child, about a world she didn't get to explore.

#poesia #poetry #poets on tumblr #positive quotes #prose #psychology #spilled ink #spilled poetry #philosophy #mental health #spilled thoughts #spilled feelings #spilled words #inner child #healing journey

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andromeda3116 · 7 months

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"One day when I was a young boy on holiday in Uberwald, I was walking along the bank of a stream when I saw a mother otter with her cubs. A very endearing sight, I'm sure you will agree, and even as I watched, the mother otter dived into the water and came up with a plump salmon, which she subdued and dragged onto a half-submerged log. As she ate it, while of course it was still alive, the body split and I remember to this day the sweet pinkness of its roes as they spilled out, much to the delight of the baby otters who scrambled over themselves to feed on the delicacy. One of nature's wonders, gentlemen: mother and children dining upon mother and children. And that's when I first learned about evil. It is built into the very nature of the universe. Every world spins in pain. If there is any kind of supreme being, I told myself, it is up to all of us to become his moral superior."

--Lord Vetinari, Unseen Academicals by Terry Pratchett

#discworld #gnu terry pratchett #lord vetinari #havelock vetinari #discworld quotes #i love that philosophy and feel it in my gut and bones:#''if there is a higher power then it's our prerogative to be better than it''#like that quote from nation about the gods letting you down and how kneeling to them would be bowing to murderers and bullies #or the whole theme of small gods where the higher power needs to learn to care about the people he demands worship from #pratchett often returns to this theme of ''what do you do when your god(s) fail you?''#and having once felt like my god absolutely failed me - although i didn't have the words to see it like that at the time - that resonates #i've said before that that was such a revelation: those were the words of my last unanswered prayer #i have many intellectual reasons now to be an atheist but at the core it's...#if the universe is chaos then it cannot be cruel. there is no one who could have saved you but didn't for their own opaque reasons #if there is no god then no god failed me or left me drowning in despair for a whole year #small gods helped me conceptualize that in ways that defy words and literally changed my life and perspective for the better #anyway. this quote is magnificent. ''mother and child feasting upon mother and child''#and it makes so much of vetinari's character make so much sense #he looked at the world through cynical and bitter eyes but instead of becoming a nihilist who manipulated the cruel world for his own gain #he said ''we can and must be better than this''#(this is why i feel like kaz brekker - under inej's influence - should grow up to be like havelock vetinari)#(the one who clenches his fist and fucking *fixes* this goddamned place)

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quotelr · 2 days

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You are the beloved child of this universe, so live as if everything is yours. Every morning the sun is rising for you. The rays of light are kissing you, birds are singing for you, flowers are dancing for you, and everything belongs to you.

Debasish Mridha

#quotelr #quotes #literature #lit #beloved #child-of-the-universe #dancing #debasish #debasish-mridha #flowers #kissing #life #live #morning-universe-everything #mridha #philosophy #sun

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jamesthepigeon · 7 months

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My Darkest Recollections.

A subtle vent in the form of an Edgar Allan Poe inspired short poem, it was something i was told to write in English class today, but it turned out to be really good ngl so I'm posting it here.

!! WARNING, the following piece of literature contains themes of: trauma + suicidal references, genuinly quite dark/bleak topics !!

If any of the warnings above trigger you, please do not read this poem, non of these subjects and matters are to be glorified in any way, shape, or form, do not steal or copy this, it has been copywrited, Many Thanks,

Enjoy ☆

***

T'was a bleak midnight, one faithful o' clock,

My insides, hurling themselves,

Through several recollections of my younger epoch.

For the withering reminiscences of my dire early years will,

Forever and always,

Be of cruel Burdens in my fatigued persons.

Burdens,

Oh Blasphemy Burdens,

Ones in which, of bitterly mindly torments,

The constant tumbling,

Falling Hells upon obsidian steps.

And, with the sudden senses of tumbling,

A wheezing Mistress of stumbling,

My corpse awoke, sudden, an aggravated rising,

Amongst my soul returning within,

A growing senses of yearning.

To now, through the beating of my Hearts,

And through the panting of my Arts,

The realisation; I slipped away, once more, from Its impeccable clasp.

Yet, Only but, for my mind to recollect,

For every Bleakest Midnight, theas to come,

'Till my reminiscences will become the frigid, skeletal grasp,

Of my unforgiving Past, as of, they are,

Forever and always called upon as;

My Darkest Recollections.

***

follow me on wattpad, if u'd like to :>

!! none of my forms of art, such as artworks and literature, are to be stolen, copied, or claimed [reblogs are obvi fine tho ofc] my literature has in fact been copywrited !!

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thepowerisyouth · 2 months

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MONEY / FINANCE STRESS CONTENT WARNING, this next line is unfortunately quite stressful about money so this was an important warning for me to add:

This is also less for the random strangers on the internet who have no reason to trust my advice but more for the 10-15 people I know personally who trust my money advice based on prior experience and Ive sent them my blog link in the last month or two

US stock market is about to tank. On a global perspective its stupidly overpriced because markets like China are hitting 5 year lows (as in we've increased our stock market over 2x since "COVID lows", but their market is even lower than it was then.

Timing is hard but it is entirely possible yesterday was the peak of the market. Might also not tank for 6 months.

Market psychology is fucking weird tho so please absolutely dont 'short' anything, which is basically the same as 'buying puts'. Michael Burry nearly bankrupted all his friends, family, and random investors by insisting on 'shorting' things based on knowledge of impending crisis.

Just sell everything. I mean literally everything. Bond etfs might go up but youd have to have eyes glued to the charts to sell in time. Gold wont do, neither will bitcoin. Their negative correlation to stocks isnt really a thing anymore.

Get every etf, stock, whatever into cash in the brokerage account, then move it out of the banks/brokerage firms and into something physically in front of you because we are, in fact, in another 'historical period of bank runs' its just not quite at the peak yet.

Not trying to increase anxiety beyond nessecary-- its just that any, single bank can immediately freeze your money-- leaving it up to the Federal Government to pay you back-- and it might possibly be the case that youd have to rely on whats called a "bank bail in" to see your savings again.

Not a fun situation to be in, even if it wont happen to most people its just safe practice to do this during a "historical period of bank runs"

----------------

This blog is basically my diary of my thoughts (suprise suprise). But Im an open book, privileged (but poor) little white boy with complex societal/generational abuse and very little home problems so lets fucking go theres a whole mormon cargo van to unpack

Definitely recommend tags Im terrible at them.

---

To those reading this, if you have ever met me in real-life or on the internet than you have taught me varying degrees of information which can be randomly retrieved by my brain at any time depending on current CPU performance. Thoughts of my loving husband have occupied my headspace probably 95% of my time since 14 so he has absolutely taught me at least 100x more than anyone else in the world.

When I say "I", oftentimes Im thinking about "me and my husband", or even sometimes "me and my friends/family", or even sometimes "me and society"--- but I am not always 100% aware of the current headspace environment and/or beliefs of the minds of those around me without feedback

---

There are currently over 8 billion individual varieties of the global human language spoken within the mind. Lets start translating them all. Misunderstood words become mean labels.

I fucking hate mean labels

"Math wiz" = racism and/or classism and/or gender shit. Fuck that shit

When a person is niched off into one part of an 8 billion population human society, it becomes impossible to not "live in a bubble". Bubbles change in size constantly even if not visibly observed. Bubbles can be different sizes depending on your current day-to-day thoughts of your own society. Bubbles must pop. Enlightenment implies life only gets better the more times ya pop and lock it

My path away from purely mathematics, logic, and scientific theory began when I met my husband, and for the first time in my life it became important to me not to be an asshole to everyone around me

Ive been told (only after I started dating my traumatized husband tho and helped him heal a lot) that I'm a natural communicator-- and all my life I found myself listening and learning to everything and everyone around me trying to understand both their and my own motivations-- then I like to garble them up and spit 'em out. My memory recall ability is wonky tho and fluctuates highly with nutrient intake-- I'll get into that later

I wish I could have a million years to read every blog on tumblr. I really do. Connecting & communating is extremely important for understanding one another but it takes time

I had an extremely unique childhood (who hasnt lol), enough so to isolate myself quite a lot through sheer dumb luck. My mom is also everyone's favorite school teacher so of course I was learning a lot from a young age. Luckily I glued myself to the first person who wanted to glue themselves to me equally & we grew exponentially closer to eternity

If its still not clear: my husband and I are bored and love chatting with people, but like most internet loving freaks my mouth don't work sometimes well but my fingies do. My ears got fluff a lot but I got eyes for LEDs like a hawk. Wish they werent LED tho

I also have a naturally short sleep cycle (i.e. extra time for this), and I really wont be offended or weirded out by someone reading through and liking 20+ or whatever of my posts at once randomly. Stories are supposed to be read in chunks, and I think of this blog as a story & also workspace for my thoughts that Id love to see which chapters everyone has read through. Also I love (and only respond positively to) positive feedback, yet also suggestions for ways to improve my "theorums". As in, good faith discussions are totally welcome on any post.

For my 50 year old parents reading my blog so lovingly in their limited evening time-- you can sort by tags to see what topics your familiar with, if you play around with the search function while on my page. Mom. Show dad how to do it

In the very, very bottom of my blog I dont even think I managed to tag shit properly-- but its the roughdraft workings of the philosophy, as well as my own logical framework for answering lifes questions. Its 2 months ago so I might not even be writing according to my own works down there anymore idk I change fast sometimes

Last thing for now here is that I was always criticized by teachers for not showing my work, and for not reviewing my tests before turning in, and I pushed back hard because nearly every time I went over and corrected a mistake-- I saw I most often got it right the first fucking time on a pure hunch. I act on impulse when I'm not meditating mostly for efficiency purposes because I believe I'm correct, but remain open to emotionally positive feedback so I can help remove all doubt.

-------

This might turn into my 'life story' post, as its already going there. Heres what I have so far in the way of my knowledge of my family before I was brought into existence, and my "earliest memories":

Family context:

I dont know jack shit. Nobody talks about it at all.

Here's my own observations Ive made using the framework and perceptive filters I was given--

My whole family is white Texans.

Ancestory is slaveowners of course, further back is a very likely direct parent-child descendent line from the most famous inbred british royalty of the 13th century i.e. King John, whose brother was the arab genociding Richard.

I would call my immediate family as upper poverty class. Its more like poverty with extra privileges cause mental health stigma was the only thing holding them back not other shit too.

As children we had a lot of very privileged opportunities because my parents made a lot of sacrifices to try and bring us back up the class ladder. Lets look into that generational trauma issue

My dads parents (born in the early 40s, dont know the year exactly. I think '43 or '44) were more upper middle class, pretty high income. Owned an insurance business that was very successful by the early 2000s at least. My grandpa is described to me as a "monster" and "violently abusive". I have a single memory of him screaming at me as a young child and I was cowering under a desk, so I really believe it. No other stories at all to provide context.

-- I gotta split this section off I realized I wrote the next thing about post-me context Ill need to move this part lower down later--

My grandpa got early onset dementia, my dad didnt notice in time, and my grandpa bankrupted his successful company and lost several million of dollars to "scammers and sexy ladies."

My dad found out around 2015-16 or so. He told me a little bit after telling me my grandparents were getting divorced. My dad managed to scrape together about $200,000 which is being sued for by the IRS actively.

(He split that money in two, and entrusted me tell him how to invest half in safe value stocks that I handpicked as well as a calculated risk allocation to bonds which we sold for 30% profit the second the market crashed. He gave the other half to a brokerage advisor. I never met the advisor but saw the results. Dont get me started on how the other dude did with that money-- we started this endeavor in January 2020.)

Personally I also dont believe that its possible to spend an entire fortune on scammers and strippers, so Id love to see his books and figure out what the hell went wrong with that asshole. I have a hunch I know something more than anyone else ("Enron", guys, we're talking about an insurance company in HOUSTON, in the 2000s) but I will never be sure without the books.

----

Back to other family--

I do not know a single thing about my grandma on my dads side. She raised me quite a lot, but yeah I literally have only heard her life described to me as "she was a housewife"

On my moms side, my Mimi (also born 1940s but slightly younger so I think 1946 or 1947) came from a divorced, upper middle class family. In 1964-65, She and her step mom both got knocked up the same year so she watched her divorced dad remarry to said step mom when she was 18-19 and getting a shotgun marriage herself, so you can imagine what that was like. The "biological" of the two moms was a very good mom and very queer from what I hear. She died when I was a baby, from lung cancer. Thats all I know. My mimi raised me quite a lot, nearly equally as much as my mom did

My mom's dad, my Papa, came from a rural farming family in East Texas. Dont know much else of anything, but he and his siblings were named "Billy, Bobby, and Betty". As in, they are what everyone likes to call "hicks"

Moving onto my direct parents now. I know a little more about them of course, but since we're getting closer in age to the present-- I think itll be easier to describe my understanding as common stereotypes. If its unclear what I mean definitely feel free to ask, but I'll probably say "I dont really know"

Not much else is relevant other than knowing that my moms family was the mormon one, but that as soon as my dad was love-bombed by the church he joined to. Mormons were also different in the 90s I'm told.

My dad struggled with being one of the "crazy schizos" of the 90s. As in, very traumatized, upset, and gaslit by the government and his parents. Must have done a damn good job dealing with it by the time he was in his late 20s and I popped out cause he was never a "bad dad" to me at all. Definitely yelled and was more angry at times, but less than any other friends parents Ive ever met, and from what I remember he came into my room at night and apologized to me literally every single time within like 5-10 minutes. I know pretty much nothing about him pre-me. He was a tradesman my whole life and specialized in remodeling kitchens & bathrooms (the 'dirty work of construction'). All his initial clientele were the rich people my grandma lived near and was friends with.

My mom would have been extremely queer-presenting and posting on tumblr if born in the year 2000, but was born in early 70s, and was a raegan teen in high-school in Texas during the satanic panic-- she presents completely cis, straight, but has body dysmorphia issues. Thats about you need to know about those issues I'm sure my tumblr folks can assume the rest and be perfectly correct. Cause thats about all I know too and I'm assuming the rest about my own mother

--- Earliest memories

I think a lot of people face doubt about their own earliest memories, maybe hearing the way I connect the images of these events in my head to my emotions I felt will help others do the same.

----

Two disclosers about me & my current healthcare discoveries before moving on

1) My only "major" childhood trauma is loneliness. I have a partner now (started dating early high school, nearing 10 years together now) who was just as lonely and we are glued to each others side constantly, and have made our life work great that way. So don't feel too bad reading this, I'm only able to write it down because Ive healed that trauma and can dig this stuff up with no issues to validate the emotions I felt even as a child

1) I believe I have a genetic trait that is only just getting discovered. There are something like 6 discovered mutations that hold this similar trait so far, and its just basically chronic insomia.

It being a genetic trait tracks with how my mom describes me as never settling into a normal sleep pattern at 6 months old, having absurd amounts of nightmares and death anxiety keeping me up at night as a child, and I still dont sleep at any given time. I average 2 hours less sleep than my husband, who averages 7-8 now that he isnt actively being abused at home.

Going to get sequenced but even if negative I'd probably just be a 7th mutation, as they only found the other 6 genes via case study.

The scientists whove discovered it call it "Familial Natural Short Sleeper", if you desire to look it up. They describe the trait like its the best possible thing in the world. Well... terminally chronic insomia is not the best thing in THIS world thats for sure.

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My "earliest memories"

These arent ranked by time accurately of course. Took enough effort digging through my brain to turn them up, not like Ive got a 2003 calendar stuffed in here as well.

I did do my best to sort by first memory but it also might be sorted by the order at which I recovered the memories as being one of my "earliest" when I was a child and asked such things

1. Pure emptiness. I can only describe it as dissociation. I can remember nothing about the environment around me, except feeling suddenly sucked out of it, seeing only darkness, feeling almost a ringing in my ears and the deepest dread possible. This same feeling followed me in life for a little while, but started to take more visual shape when I was an adolescent, until at some point I would see myself sitting in a chair alone in a room that is infinitely sized but that slowly gets darker the further out you go. I cant remember what exact "real-world" event caused this feeling to ever happen each time it did. I just can remember having it happen occasionally when I was awake and doing things. Definitely dissociation. (If you are willing to believe me further I think its just probably "lights out" and being scared of that)

1. Riding a mattress down the stairs. I kind of remember two images, one is the tunnel vision of going high speed down the stairs and the other would be from looking back up at the stairs when I was done going down. Totally fun, probably my first rollar coaster ride. I might remember my siblings laughing too but it wouldnt be because I can remember the actual laughing-- but I can remember feeling the joy of being in a group of people laughing. At the time, my parents were selling the house so thats why I also remember it being a completely empty carpeted room that we were riding down into

2. My brother smashing his head repeatedly into the refrigerator for 'fun' and someone saying "wow he has a hard head" or something along those lines. I was learning english I cant remember exactly what they said but that was definitely the meaning I took from their words. I think this memory is strong, because I was truly very curious as to why my brother was just running at full speed, head down, and headbutting a hard surface. The words someone said after that must have been one of my first 'answers'

3. Watching my siblings play in rare Houston snow. Not much remembering there actually. Probably just thought it was mezmorizing to watch as I just really remember a picture and feeling peace

4. Will add more later.

#mental health #trauma #early memories #life story #family #generational trauma #wealth disparity #memory #self healing #child psychology #diary #math #classism #privilege #cycle of abuse #behavioral economics #psychology #philosophy

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