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libbee · 1 year

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🌞 sun in 7th house placements and low self esteem 🌞

self esteem = how we value and perceive ourselves. It's based on our opinions and beliefs about ourselves

why is self esteem important = it impacts our

academic achievement; happiness; satisfaction in marriage and relationships; psychologists call it a personality trait

It is easy to spot a 1st houser in a room, they are out there being the host, pulling attention to themselves, they act like insecurities don't even exist, they are all about their persona the mask they show in the world and identify with it

and it is just as easy to spot a sun in 7th houser in a room, they are out there being a doormat, overly agreeable on everything, hesitant to voice their opinion and feeling powerless, they act like they have all the insecurities in the world

this is especially the case if a 7th houser has an empty 1st house because the native does not know who they are, how to be assertive, how to put themselves out there. sun is your ego, identity, where you shine, how you identify yourself, how you see yourself with respect to others, it is your energy, vitality, productivity, confidence, competence; consider yourself like a plant and sun is what gives you life; we feel so down and sleepy in winters because sun lacks presence

7th house is the house of other people. 7th houser or not, everyone perceives the world because of their projections. it is impossible to exist without projecting. just like it is impossible to see without reflection of light from an object, image formation in eye and your ability to recognize the object because of your familiarity, it is similarly impossible to live in the world without projecting archetypes and your shadow content on others, your ability to recognize what you are projecting and your familiarity with it. for eg, in this diagram you can recognize the tree because you are familiar with this object and concept. but if you were to see an object that you have not seen before and not familiar with, you will not recognize it. this is how we identify ourselves, by psychic projection. for eg. "this person has a quality of being funny"... "feels familiar because i also have this quality" or "this person is a liar?... i could not recognize it because i usually dont lie"

what we see in others is the reflection of ourselves, both good and bad, and that is how we form opinions about ourselves

Donald Winnicott, a psychoanalyst, said that"true self" is sense of self based on spontaneous authentic experience and a feeling of being alive, having a real self with little to no contradiction. While he called "false self" a sense of self created as a defensive façade which in extreme cases can leave an individual lacking spontaneity and feeling dead and empty behind an inconsistent and incompetent appearance of being real, such as in narcissism. sun in 7th house are prone to being narcissists because their self image is not visible to them, they don't feel respected enough, they don't feel like they are seen and valued by others

sun in 7th house are prone to living with a false self because their identity is weak, ego is weak here in the 7th house, ego is repressed, identity is hidden. this can happen because of a number of factors like their parent being more attention seeking and so they were cornered, they had to comply to the wishes and expectations of their parents, being neglected or a combination of other placements in the natal chart that can indicate trauma and abuse. when the native's ego is not fully developed, they are living with a false sense of identity, that is, they might think "this is me" but it is not really them because this false self is just a hand crafted image to please people and that is why it changes in different environments with different people

let's understand with an example:

you see how the sun is behind native's back? he can't see his own sun but he can see the sun in others. since his sun is not visible to him, he feels like it does not exist, that he is not competent, confident, valuable. in another way, the sunlight from behind is directed at others and he can see all the good and positive qualities in other people but he cannot see them in himself. in another way, his ego is in his shadow and unconscious to him, it is not fully developed and also impossible because how can he change his natal chart? so in that case, the native gets into relationship with someone who has a confident, assertive, strong willed, bright personality and really values their partner because they derive their energy, power, confidence, identity from their partner

this is why these natives are prone to losing themselves in their partner and engulfing their personality and identity, also always being in relationship because their batteries are low otherwise when they are by themselves

time for funniness:

so, i have no advice for these natives other than figuring out who they are, withdrawing their projection, accepting what they cannot change about their life story and learning to live with their sun in 7H

when the native has matured though, they can then begin to explore a larger Self, their inner personality, their shadow, self reflection

note: this same experience can be felt by sun in sign of libra, sun in 7th house from natal moon as well

Bibliography and for more read:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/True_self_and_false_self

to be continued

#astro tumblr #astro notes #astrology #astrology blog #astro #astro community #astroblr #astrology notes #astrology tumblr #vedic astro notes #vedic astrology #astrology observations #sun in 7th house

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silversnake888 · 2 years

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The Self-Identity of Every 1st house Placement

Planets in the 1st house can seem deeply woven into your self-identity as if it is unconscious. It is your automatic reaction when meeting new people, and putting yourself out into the world. It is the house of self-identity, but the house of self-discovery too. You will face the complicated world with these energies, but any planet within your 1st house can change its energy from immaturity to maturity. Howard Sasportas says, "...the sign on the Ascendant colors our view of existence. If we have red glasses, the world looks red and we will act accordingly." So, the planets in this house will color the outlook of your life too.

Sun is an intertwining planet with the Ascendant. Howard Sasportas says, "The Ascendant may be the way we hatch but what we grow into is the Sun sign. In other words, the Ascendant is the path leading to the Sun." So, your sun sign inside this house means you greatly identify with your outward projection. Of course, chart systems can make you a Virgo sun with a Libra Rising but how you identify yourself is still heavily based on a mix of Virgo and Libra. The sun can never go retrograde, so it shines quite bright here. The only problem is identifying with the other parts of your chart like your 12th house. You may feel absolutely separated from the ruling sign of your 12th house (and any planets in this house) because you are so focused on your outward image. You love self-discovery, but the self-discovery that pertains to the image you project to others. You want to shine brightly before others. Unless you have Chiron, Pluto, Moon, or Saturn in this house you may find yourself identifying with the hidden parts of yourself (the identity that separates you from your outer image like the 4th house) much later in life.

Moon in the 1st house makes you understand how your self-identity is fickle. It is changing with the moon cycles it seems, but I describe this planet as swaying with the waves in the sea. It may get crazy, but you normally keep a tight grip on making sure you try to project the best image you can. Simply, your outward projection will change how you feel and the people around you. If you feel like you can be yourself, then you will act the way you desire to be seen the most. You will project a slightly false image when uncomfortable, but this still is the image you want to project. You just may feel disconnected from that self-projection when you aren't feeling comfortable, confident, etc. I can imagine this placement making people feel like posers and fake when meeting new people, but you will adopt the persona that protects you first.

Mercury gives you the ability to relate to how you talk, communicate over text or any other form than literally talking, and your intellect. How you use your Mercurial skills and talents is how you identify, and you place heavy emphasis on improving this aspect of yourself. You may approach people using your intelligence first because that is what you identify with. This placement makes you enjoy deep-diving into deep topics, and having deep conversations with others feels gratifying for you. This planet will morph differently based on the sign plus close aspects. Any tight orbs like 3 degrees will greatly modify how you interact with the world. If you have a lot of air interacting with this planet then you will act accordingly to Mercury's energy, but if it's fire then you may be very impulsive with your speech and actions.

Venus is a beneficial planet because it gives you great outer beauty, but the focus is on all beauty too. Venus is not shallow by any means. This planet appreciates all beauty and wants it to flourish. So, your sense of beauty will flourish throughout your life. Simply, we as humans can be the shallow ones. You may feel deeply connected to putting on clothes and/or accessories as a young child to make yourself feel good, but you may not show this side of yourself until you feel comfortable (aspects and other planets will affect how willingly you are to beautify yourself when young). However, your life will be intertwined with your sense of beauty and how to fulfill it. You may go through many phases trying to find the way you feel most beautiful, and these phases may never stop too. You are sensual, caring, and appreciative of all the fine things in life.

Mars feels at home here due to this being the house of Aries. However, the pure Martian energy is intense. You are assertive and independent. You relate to chasing after what you want whenever you want and don't listen to many. You might not enjoy unsolicited advice or comments when you didn't ask. Unless badly aspected you may be sexually active and have intense sexual desires too. Looking sexy may be a huge part of your confidence. You see the world through a lens of possibilities and excitingly jump head-first into life. You are so intensely interested in the self-discovery of who you are too. You may enjoy refining yourself physically, or how you meet new people. Your identity is a constant thing that you continue to discover and refine with joy.

Jupiter might be the one planet that consistently shows up in your appearance in this house. It rules the calves/thighs, and you may be quite athletic. However, Jupiter expands everything it touches so conjuncting planets will be affected too. You probably enjoy food and any pleasures similarly to the Venus in 1st house native. You may love adventure, and exploring places and/or higher knowledge. The thirst for new experiences is strong in this placement. No matter what you will approach the world with optimism.

Saturn gives a heaviness to the pursuit of self-discovery, because you may be bogged down by the sign of your Saturn. If your Saturn is in Aries for example, then you will have issues with impulsiveness and anger as a very young child. However, the benefit to Saturn is the obstacles and barriers are met immediately (no matter the house). You can work on it steadily as a young child until adulthood, and get a good grasp on how to deal with your shortcomings and how to cope with them. Saturn gives the 1st house native a seriousness to how they approach the world, and they are quite cautious. You put forth a polished version of yourself, and you desire to control heavily how you're perceived. Since Saturn is your inherent flaw, then you will do everything you can to mitigate your flaw in first impressions.

Uranus is a planet of chaos, but necessary chaos (like Pluto). Pluto rips everything away to make room for new and better things, but Uranus just throws everything around and expects you to deal with it. So, you might feel quite awkward with your outer projection. You may not relate to it easily, because you may act totally different than how look on the outside. However, as you reach independence as an adult you may use your physical appearance as experimentation. Piercing, tattoos, and bright hair colors might entice you as an adult, and even if you don't like those things you will want to try them out at least once. Your physical appearance is a great way to figure out who you are, and you'll find the people you surround yourself with may change your outlook on life. Despite Uranus being a rebellious planet you may not relate to that rebellion as a young child. You may desperately fit in because Uranus energy isn't often revered in many societies. I suggest trying to be authentic as possible when you feel safe and comfortable doing so.

Neptune gives you an elusiveness to your appearance and demeanor. Like Uranus and Saturn, you may feel confused about how to project the real you. It seems so hard to grasp because you recognize how utterly complex you are. That's why I think in general Neptune energy isn't celebrated because we instinctively categorize people. This is not the only way the world must act, but we do. So, recognizing you are a complex being with multiple hobbies, capabilities, and interests will help your self-identity. It's okay to dress like a different person every day because it might help you discover yourself even better. You are a creative and imaginative person, so you enjoy letting that part of you shine when meeting new people.

Pluto is an interesting placement due to its ties to the birth-death-rebirth cycle. Now, this is touching the house of your self-identity. Your rising (especially the sign ruling it) can heavily influence your physical appearance, but your self-identity is the biggest thing constantly transforming. Similar to the moon you may find it is hard to explain who you are. After huge milestones, and particularly trauma, your self-identity is thrown into a whirlwind. Who you are is a huge question for you, and you keep getting mixed signals with every revelation. You tend to be a loner, and seek independence. You are self-sufficient but may feel the 'weight of the world' on your shoulders. If you're in the Sagittarius Pluto generation then the thirst for experiences can be intense. It may feel hypnotic in how much you want new experiences, or if badly aspected you may fear the outside world. You may feel like it's hard to be vulnerable with people because you feel like you are too intense to handle. When you get used to your ever-changing identity and embrace the chaos you will find how liberating Pluto is. My Masterpost

Feel free to reply/reblog saying if you agree/disagree with my observations. Similarly, my inbox is always open for you to send your birth chart in for my Q&A birth chart analyses! Check my pinned post to see how to do that. :)

Source: The Twelve Houses: Exploring the Houses of the Horoscope by Howard Sasportas.

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celestialsister0918 · 1 year

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Chapter 1 of "A Window Not Missed" (Brutasha) now up!

Chapter 1 of my first venture into the MCU fandom is now up! Brutasha fans, I'd be honored if you'd head to AO3 and give it some love! Teaser below...

Bruce had been cold, and he had to be. It was for the best. Surely Nat understood and wouldn’t hold it against him. They could still be friends, could still have their late night chats, could still exchange eye-rolls when Tony was very much being Tony or Cap very much being Cap. Clint was Nat’s brother, of course, in all but the biological sense of the word. But he had a wife, a family– which explained why Nat would so often wander in search of a confidant, someone to just shoot the shit with, and would land on Bruce– another loner. He hoped that despite their earlier argument, they could still be each other’s person. Sex was just sex, after all. There was so much more to a relationship.

How are you going to have any kind of relationship when you’re clear across the globe, Banner? Wait, globe? You have to go clear across the galaxy… clear across space itself… there’s no place far enough for someone like you…

At least they could have their friendship for now, while they were here in their holding pattern. If only she would speak to him…

“Um, hey, Nat.”

She had changed into gray lounge pants and a black tank following her shower. Despite the lack of hot water, the Barton house itself was rather toasty, with all these extra bodies milling around. Since Laura had prepared dinner and Clint was off working on some household project, it appeared “Auntie Nat” had volunteered for dish duty. That seemed a Hulk-sized feat for a crowd this big, and Banner, grateful for the opportunity, happily pitched in.

“Hello, Bruce.”

“Need some help?”

“If you’re offering, I won’t say no.” Natasha didn’t meet his eye, instead focusing on a particularly stubborn plaque of baked-on cheese affixed to Laura’s rustic casserole dish. But Bruce noticed the left side of her mouth curl into that classic Nat smirk, so he took it as a sign that not all hope was lost.

“Oh. Okay. Good. Why don’t I tackle that cheese and you polish up the glasses?”

“You implying I’m weak, Banner?”

Bruce chuckled. “Nah, I know better. Implying that I owe you. I– I was a jerk. I mean, I meant what I said. But I guess I could have gone about it in a better way. It… it wasn’t you… it’s just that–”

Natasha interrupted his scrubbing and his monologue with feather soft fingertips on his forearm. “I know. Like you said, we missed the window. Maybe someday we’ll find it.”

Bruce swallowed. He didn’t want to give her false hope. But he was also tired of sounding like a dick.

“I hope so, Nat.”

They continued their work in silence, save for Lila giggling “Go Fish!” from the adjacent living room. Bruce’s brain buzzed with the discomfort and awkwardness of it all. It was so unbearable that he did what he did best: made it even more uncomfortable.

“Um, Nat… when I was in the shower earlier… um… why didn’t you just shower in one of the other bathrooms? Instead of waiting. You know…then you would have gotten some of that hot water…”

The tip of her tongue traced her bottom lip, and her eyes met his coyly. “Because that’s my room, Banner.”

“Oh, you have your own room here?” he laughed nervously. “I guess I should have known. “Auntie Nat,’ right?”

“Yep.” Natasha popped a dish tablet into the jam-packed dishwasher and sealed it up. She wiped her hands clean on the apron she’d donned before attempting to discard it. “Hey, Bruce – can you get the knot?” She shimmied backward until she was within his reach, the damp knot resting atop the gentle curve of her behind.

“Uh, yeah. Sure.” The knot gave way with a gentle tug, which he was sure was no news to her, given her smug grin. Part of him sighed inwardly with relief at that subtle sign it wasn’t over between them.

“So if that’s your room,” he began as calmly as he could, “Why did Laura tell me to put my stuff down in there?”

“Time for you to ‘do the math’, doc,” Natasha quoted him teasingly. “Some folks around here are going to have to double up.”

Bruce drew in a sharp breath before he could stop himself. She seemed to revel in his predicament. “There’s only one bed,” he reminded her dully.

“Math again!” she laughed. “You’re getting good at this.”

“I’ll sleep on the floor,” Bruce muttered.

Her playful expression suddenly turned serious, and she took the two miniature steps to close the gap between them. “Don’t be ridiculous, Bruce,” she murmured. “We’re adults. It’s been a crazy day, and we need to rest. Besides, I can behave myself.”

Pained, Bruce shut his eyes for a moment. He could only stare so long at the perfect red bow of her mouth before he had to break the spell, for his own sanity. A hot adrenaline seemed to fire up in his veins, like a runner’s high, but with the effect of planting him firmly right there instead of forcing his feet to flee. The forbidden words exploded out of his brain, down to his throat, and out of his mouth before his logical faculties could stop them.

“The problem is, Natasha, I don’t want you to behave.”

*******

Read the rest of Chapter 1 here, and bookmark for future updates! While I'm not sure if this will be a long or short fic ultimately, I promise it WILL be finished. I always complete my works! Your honest feedback is welcome.

#brutasha #bruce banner #natasha romanoff #hulkwidow #fanfiction #eventual smut #marvel mcu #romance #scarlett johansson #mark ruffalo #the avengers

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whcsthere · 5 months

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tagging : @fvckthepctriarchy

the opening of a new club had cornelia street bustling. it had been a while since something new had grabbed himiko's attention at least. all they really ever knew was work, sleep, dinner with their family, and their morning and night routines. it was all according to the plan - focus on their job, go to the organized blind dates they were set up with, keep their partying to a minimum. but with such a place on their backdoor step, they were helpless to the siren call. loud music, several drinks, and the bustle of a crowd would fix them, they were sure of it. they pulled out a dress they hadn't worn in ages - the last time they wore it was that night if they recalled correctly. common sense would've been to toss it, but they held onto it all the same. it was their go-to dress when they had been hosting parties nonstop, their lucky charm for a good party with minimal chaos. surely the same luck hadn't worn off over the years. the worst thing that could happen was a spilled drink, right? they walked in with a sense of false confidence, shoulders pulled back and head held high as they observed the room. there was no denying it was the owner's everything, a passion project. the music was, perhaps, not their usual taste, but it had been their bread and butter at some point. nostalgia ran through their veins, a half-smile crossing their face as they sat at the bar. " this place is amazing, " they said to the bartender, head turned to see the club from a new angle. " like i'd kill to hear what the owner had in mind and how this compares to their vision. it's rare to find something so clearly created from a place of genuine passion. " they paused, moving to look at the bartender more directly. " you wouldn't happen to know if they're in would you? i'd love to pick their brain. "

#《 ☆ 》 closed starters.#《 ☆ 》 threads.

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jeonstellate · 2 years

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[97✙] protagonist of the wrong movie

song juwon risks her life and criminal record for her best partner’s project.

✙彡 appearances by song juwon (oc), kim mingyu, and other 97-liner idols

✙彡 paragraph format — 1.1K words

masterlist | mcmxcvii universe masterlist

[gif’s full credit belongs solely to its owner]

✙彡 view song juwon’s (halia’s) public profile.

past.

Juwon is absolutely certain she accidentally broke into a stranger’s apartment.

Not that she’s putting the blame on someone else (given that she’s currently alone and willingly opened the door by herself), but it’s definitely Mingyu’s fault. If she gets caught and charged with breaking and entering, she’ll certainly find a way to drag him with her.

gyu messaged: The door’s unlocked. Just walk in and enter.

In perspective, his message can be interpreted in multiple ways. Depending on how the recollection of events is twisted, he may be convicted along side her — perhaps as an accomplice, if not as the mastermind. In any case, it won’t be difficult to prove his involvement to the false crime she will be charged of.

Not that she’ll be found guilty of burglary, since she hasn’t stolen anything, but she can still be charged of attempt . . .

ju messaged: Why the hell did you leave your project there, anyway? But, most importantly, why do I have to be the one to get it?

The apartment she entered is pitch dark, with no ounce of light — natural nor artificial — can be traced anywhere. With only her phone's flashlight as her guide, and Mingyu’s project in mind, she walks deeper into the unit.

Juwon mentally questions her recent life choices as she subsequently curses her best partner out. She has checked the address he sent thrice before she went in and, along with her confidence that she is at the right sent address, she knows whoever owns the apartment has more than enough to sue her for trespassing.

gyu messaged: The owner’s out, so they can’t hand it to me personally. They told me they’ll just leave the door unlocked so I can get it myself, but you live closer, so . . .

Mingyu never told her who owns the place he left his project at, but she’s already judging their sense of judgment. Never mind the possibility that he might’ve sent the wrong address, which may peg the question of such practice’s prevalence, but who the hell in their right mind would willingly leave the door of their home unlocked? While they’re away, no less?

When she reaches the living room, Juwon concludes her thoughts with an acceptance that she’ll never completely understand how humans’ brains work.

Including her best partner’s. Especially his.

After all, for someone who asked for her help, why is he so vague about the details he’s telling her? He didn’t even bother saying precisely where she should look for his project!

Juwon doesn’t know if her flashlight will turn off if she uses her phone to call, but she needs contact Mingyu soon because she rather not flip the apartment upside down and strain her eyes in the process. Heaven knows how much she’s already sacrificing for him by just being there, so she’s not going to give up her sight for his sake, too.

However, before the first ring can even reach her ears, another sound — one that she definitely didn’t make — does.

Juwon wants to laugh. Her thoughts make her the protagonist of a crime show, but her situation begs to differ.

The darkness in despite being morning. The tension that unexplainably hangs in the air. The announcement of an unidentified presence through the sudden lack of silence. Everything in her situation, much to her terrified amusement, actually paints her as the protagonist of a horror movie.

Death in crime shows is one thing, but death in horror movies is another — and somehow, there’s better comfort in crossing the veil through the former because criminals aren’t always insane without an ounce of humanity.

As the music moves closer, the unsettling feeling of being watched grows.

It is then where she decides she can’t blame Mingyu. If she dies with a grudge, she’ll never pass on — and she’d be force to remain long after her world has gone. If she dies here, while on an errand for her best partner, he’ll most likely find a way to blame himself for her death — and that’s something she definitely doesn’t want in her conscience.

Mingyu deserves to be happy, regardless of how annoying he may be at times.

Juwon knows whoever is playing the music — which now distinguishably sounds like a violin — is just standing a few steps away from her now. Against her better judgment, she pointed her flashlight straight ahead from where she stood — completely expecting nothing comforting to see.

The figure shone on by her flashlight instinctively makes her freeze. Not because it’s exactly what she expected to see, but because it’s entirely the opposite. Never, in her hurried mind, did she ever thought about the possibility of being obliviously in the presence of someone she knows whilst trying to navigate in the dark in an unfamiliar setting.

And yet, there Seonhwa stood — eyes directed at her, violin tucked under her chin and bow suspended in the air.

"Now!" Juwon suddenly heard a voice behind her whisper-shout before her vision is invaded with blinding lights.

When she opens her eyes (a moment after closing them in an effort to protect her sight from the sudden, harsh lighting), a pop! makes her jolt and turn to her left.

"Surprise!" She scans the people that seem to appear out of nowhere, but are now standing under a large banner surrounded by numerous balloons.

Happy birthday, Song Juwon!

"You guys— wow." There is no doubt that all of her friends — the Gushibchil Boys along with both Yuriko and Seonhwa — are there . . . with the exception of Mingyu. "I— thank you."

Juwon tries not to let her disappoint show when she didn’t see her best partner’s face amidst the rest of her friend group’s. She figures he’s involved in this surprise celebration as well, given that his so-called project is the objective of her visit in the first place, but most likely can’t make it because of his schedule. Nevertheless, she instinctively tries to search for him still.

Once she turns her head back to where she first saw Seonhwa, she’s greeted by another figure instead. The shock in her eyes doubles within seconds, because there he is — her best partner — grinning at her.

Before she can utter a word, he puts a party hat on her head. "Happy birthday, Ju-yah!"

Juwon wants at cuss him for causing all the emotions she felt while searching for his nonexistent project, but ultimately decides to flick him on the forehead instead. However, before her hand can even twitch, someone else speaks.

"Juwon-ah! Come make a wish and blow the candles!"

"Yeah, Juwon-ah, so we can eat!" Bambam adds to Dongmin’s summon, "We hid from you for fifteen minutes, we’re hungry."

Juwon laughs, partly because the Gushibchil Boys are seemingly protecting one of their own before she can even start a banter.

They just know her too well, it seems.

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massimowines · 2 years

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HAPPY LAST DAY OF JUNE, I just wanted to take a moment and thank, from the very bottom of my heart, those few friends, family, mentors, colleagues, Professors, and collaborators during the most challenging times in my life have not turned their back on me. They know who they are, few but extraordinary ones. True friends are people who are there for you during life's up and down moments. They are genuinely happy when you succeed and will be there for you when you ask them for help. Real friends make you feel loved, comfortable, and supported, unlike fake friends. The only relationships that predicted health and happiness at older ages were friendships, not family relationships.

I’m naturally a people-pleaser: Saying no can be particularly difficult. Unfortunately, such tendencies can lead to patterns of self-neglect and self-sacrifice that are detrimental to my mental health. False friends leave you in times of trouble. Eliminated those fake friends who seemed natural and honest when you had something and disappeared when you had nothing. If they talk about other people with you, they will talk about you with other people. Pretend to be poor in reality, and you’ll notice a decrease in your friends' list and requests. Many so-called well-wishers surround you during your good times, but there’ll be only a very few around you during bad times. Money and power attract friends. But it’s not you they’re friends with – just your money and power. Only affection brings genuine friends.

Fake friends are around when they think you’re cool. True friends are around even when they think you’re a fool. Don’t be sad or afraid when you start losing friends, be glad you’re getting rid of the fake ones. Stay true to yourself. We sometimes wish for the prosperity of someone secretly praying for our downfall. I now feel more wholesome, more vital, mentally fit, and more self-confident with no self-doubt about which kind of projects I want to work on, with whom I want to collaborate creatively, who I want to be friends, and who I want to fall in love with, finally. I only have compassion and empathy for all those people who found themselves temporarily in A position of power, especially those whose decisions about people happen to have a significant influence on the permanent lifestyle of a specific individual, like an individual cannot find a job for months and is almost on the verge of becoming homeless and those people that could make a huge difference into this person’s life decide to trust their ego and wrongly misjudge them inflicting an ocean full of prejudices only by looking and observing their social media accounts, but without ever meeting that individual in person so that a real sense of character or work-ethic could be formed. To those, I say: they should have never been promoted to those positions

Other ones that want to forcefully make you play “ THE FAMOUS GAME” until you arrive and then “YOU WILL CALL THE SHOTS,” please change and let’s play a different game. Understandably, an individual might get sick, tired, bored, and annoyed from playing the same game repeatedly for 15-20 years, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. It is more than understandable that the person might feel drained and mentally exhausted and the desire for a different game is more than usual. We are not talking about 5-10 years; We are talking about 15-20, which is a big difference in evaluating the individual’s experience, expertise, struggles, and hustles. Please don’t judge people by their social media accounts or YouTube channel videos, or dancing techniques; I understand many humans in recent years have started to feel closer and closer and share more qualities and attributes with Intelligent artificial machines in all areas of their lives. Still, I want to remindyou that everyone on this planet perceives the world of social media differently. You’ll never find two people with the same opinion about social media. Otherwise, all their posts would be identical; such phenomena still don’t exist. For all these reasons just mentioned above, please try to open your mind just a tiny bit and attempt To comprehend that there are phenomenal and genuinely worthwhile: doctors, professors, firefighters, politicians, priests, lawyers, teachers, janitors, etc............................… and all other professions of this world that are way more than their social media accounts and their posts and that maybe some of them perceive posting as another creative art or activity, 15 minutes of being artistic during a hard and long day of multiple cancer surgeries or infinite amount of given lectures, an art form that requires way less time commitment or hard work than pottery, juggling or rhythmic gymnastics. With these thoughts, I wish everyone’s a safe and fun 4th and let this 4th be a moment where We can reflect on how much independent reasoning and brainstorming impact our creative or work choices. Any of us can do it. Being more mindful and open-minded can genuinely do wonders in peoples’ lives. Making a decision, even if it is only once a month to take 5 minutes away during a day from the same-old toxic phone call or discussion and dedicate those 5 minutes to meet with that individual whose Social media is all over the place, at times weird and awkward; we might discover that in person, they could enlighten us and enrich us for years to come and that maybe the opinions we form about people inside the virtual world should start adopting a different weight, perhaps a much lighter weight in the actual living and breathing world where there oxygen still exists all around us and real oceans can still get you dripping wet. Maybe, the virtual world could be only that, VIRTUAL, and we can collectively diminish the amount of power We constantly give away ti that world and without even being fully conscious or fully aware We let it dictate and run our lives in reality.

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dan6085 · 7 months

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Title: **Exploring the Depths of Dark Psychology: Unraveling the Intricacies of Manipulation and Influence**

**Introduction**

Dark psychology, a field that delves into the depths of human behavior, explores the darker aspects of the human psyche. It focuses on understanding manipulative tactics, deception, and the art of persuasion. This essay will unravel the intricacies of dark psychology, examining its principles, techniques, and ethical considerations, shedding light on the controversial realm of psychological manipulation.

**Understanding Dark Psychology**

At its core, dark psychology encompasses a variety of techniques aimed at manipulating and influencing others for personal gain. These techniques often involve subtle tactics that exploit cognitive biases, emotional vulnerabilities, and social norms. By understanding the principles of persuasion and manipulation, individuals can gain control over others, often without their awareness.

**Techniques of Dark Psychology**

1. **Gaslighting:** Gaslighting involves manipulating someone into questioning their reality, memory, or sanity. Perpetrators use this technique to make their victims doubt themselves, leading to increased dependency on the manipulator.

2. **Negging:** Negging is a manipulative tactic where someone gives backhanded compliments or subtle insults to undermine another person's confidence and self-esteem. This tactic aims to create emotional vulnerability, making the victim more receptive to the manipulator's influence.

3. **Love Bombing:** Love bombing is an intense form of flattery and affection used to overwhelm a person emotionally. Manipulators shower their targets with excessive love and attention, creating a strong emotional bond. Once the victim is emotionally attached, the manipulator can exert control more easily.

4. **Silent Treatment:** This technique involves ignoring or refusing to communicate with someone to gain psychological control. The silent treatment induces feelings of anxiety and guilt, making the victim more likely to comply with the manipulator's demands.

**Ethical Considerations**

The study of dark psychology raises ethical concerns about the responsible use of this knowledge. While understanding these techniques can help people defend themselves against manipulation, it is essential to recognize the moral boundaries. Ethical considerations emphasize the importance of using this knowledge responsibly, respecting the autonomy and dignity of others.

**Conclusion**

Dark psychology offers a glimpse into the hidden world of human manipulation and influence. By understanding the techniques employed by manipulators, individuals can protect themselves and others from falling victim to psychological manipulation. However, it is crucial to approach this knowledge with ethical awareness, ensuring that the insights gained are used responsibly and with respect for others' well-being and autonomy.

Listt of 20 detailed examples of techniques associated with dark psychology. Please note that these examples are meant for educational purposes and should not be used unethically to manipulate or harm others.

1. **Gaslighting:** Manipulating someone into doubting their own sanity or perception of reality, causing confusion and self-doubt.

2. **Negging:** Undermining someone's self-esteem by giving backhanded compliments or subtle insults, making them more susceptible to influence.

3. **Love Bombing:** Overwhelming someone with excessive affection and attention to create emotional dependency and control.

4. **Silent Treatment:** Ignoring someone to induce guilt, anxiety, and the desire to seek the manipulator's approval and attention.

5. **Projection:** Blaming others for one's own faults or negative actions to divert attention and avoid responsibility.

6. **Mirroring:** Mimicking someone's behavior, preferences, and emotions to create a false sense of connection and trust.

7. **Guilt-Tripping:** Making someone feel guilty or responsible for the manipulator's problems, forcing compliance through guilt and obligation.

8. **Hoovering:** Attempting to draw a person back into a relationship or situation after they have tried to leave, using various tactics like flattery, promises, or threats.

9. **Isolation:** Cutting off a person from their support networks, friends, and family to increase dependency on the manipulator.

10. **False Praise:** Offering insincere praise or approval to create a sense of obligation and indebtedness.

11. **Playing the Victim:** Portraying oneself as a victim to gain sympathy and manipulate others into doing what the manipulator wants.

12. **Triangulation:** Creating conflicts or competition between individuals to control their emotions and actions, often used in interpersonal relationships.

13. **Fearmongering:** Instilling fear or anxiety in others by exaggerating potential dangers or threats, making them more compliant and easily controlled.

14. **Scapegoating:** Blaming a specific person or group for problems or issues, diverting attention from the manipulator's actions.

15. **Shaming:** Using tactics to make someone feel ashamed of their thoughts, actions, or choices, leading to compliance to avoid further shame.

16. **Emotional Blackmail:** Using emotional threats, manipulation, or punishment to force someone to do what the manipulator wants.

17. **Brainwashing:** Indoctrinating someone with a set of beliefs, ideas, or attitudes, often using coercive methods to control their thoughts and behaviors.

18. **Double Binds:** Imposing contradictory sets of rules or expectations, causing confusion and stress, leading to increased dependence on the manipulator.

19. **Exploiting Cognitive Biases:** Manipulating individuals by exploiting their inherent mental shortcuts, such as confirmation bias or anchoring, to influence decision-making.

20. **Love Fraud:** Deceptively engaging in romantic relationships for personal gain, often involving financial exploitation, emotional manipulation, and deceit.

These examples highlight the diverse range of tactics employed in dark psychology, emphasizing the importance of recognizing and guarding against such manipulative behaviors.

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serenheist · 3 years

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What Jungkook is like in a relationship/ Jungkook as a boyfriend Tarot reading

I was gonna put Jin up first but I finished Jungkook quicker so oops but I’m finally back after 200 years of adulting things

1. How long does it take Jungkook to get into a relationship? 8 of pentacles, 2 of cups, the world Do he prefer long or short term relationships 7 of swords, ace of wands Nelys the alchemist 27 reversed, 5 of swords, 9 of cups reversed

For an actual relationship and not just dating I think he can take a while if not a long ass time because he’s too much of a perfectionist and will work hard at making sure everything is right before getting into a relationship. I don't know why I’m getting like before things would get “steamy” he would never let them see his body until he worked out enough for his own standards like everything has to be perfected and mastered beforehand. There’s also a reoccurring theme of work getting in the way and even in the beginning stages it’s like he meets up with them does whatever then has to hurry and run back to work and is like “hey I gotta go but I’ll text you later” type of shit. Big focus mostly on career though so it’s hard to tell. But I still think he’s not just sleeping around with just anyone I mean they have to be important if the 2 of cups pops up. I don’t think he’ll get into an actual relationship with someone unless there’s a strong connection. Or at least to him it seems like an important connection.

I gotta say too that the 7 of swords usually screams fuckboi to me but in this case I think the lying and trickery aspect of the card can be taken literally to mean of course he has to lie and sneak around when fans would legit doxx and slit his partners throat if they knew they were together. But anyway in a relationship there’s definitely gonna be extremely strong sexual chemistry I don’t know why this keeps popping up but alright. But one annoying thing is that in a relationship jungkook seems to like fighting in a way. He doesn’t like to lose to anything and will want to win an argument even if it’s petty. There’s also a kind of energy of the other person feeling inadequate sometimes with how much praise he gets from the entire world. It makes the other person feel as exposed since they’re not doing as “well” in the grand scheme of things. And will sometimes not want to compliment him on things because he gets compliments from the entire world this is just day to day petty shit. Another thing is getting into a relationship thinking this person is the one but then realizing over time and all the work you put in was useless cause this is emotionally unfulfilling.

2. Past and present love life king of pentacles, wheel of fortune reversed, queen of pentacles

Past: bruh his love life in the past is similar to the present. He was mostly focused on building his own career and wealth and love was on the back burner tbh. I think since he has huge goals for himself there was really no time to even do other things. But his love life right now seems like it’s a external long term problem affecting it. And I think he’s learning how to balance his love life and work life right now and just letting things happen and trying to take care of his body and mind.

3. What is he like in a relationship Tobaira of the waters 37 reversed, The glanconer 62 reversed, mother of dawn, knight of pentacles, flashover 11, 6 of swords reversed, addiction 11, envious gluttony 9, is this me? 4

When Jungkook is in a relationship he doesn’t fully feel like he can be emotionally vulnerable and instead will act mischievous and play around to hide behind vulnerability. It can tend to make the other person mad because they never know when he’ll actually be serious because he plays too much sometimes. There’s also playing up to peoples ideas of him. It’s not outwardly tricking people but allowing them to believe what they want and project their fantasies on him. It’s like a weird energy of wanting to rebel but also you feel stuck and want to please them so you don’t let them down. I think he overthinks legit everything and makes things a bigger deal in his mind than what it really is.

Another thing is he could have a tendency to stay with someone even if it’s toxic because of a mix of remembering the good times and also insecurities. There are big vibes of being emotionally stunted like I feel that he’s mentally a teenager still and even though he’s physically different and projects something different. When he’s in a relationship; he still feels like that insecure kid in his head and he can’t escape it. It’s like a false bravado thing going on. There’s a hole that leads to darkness and from that another one that leads to even more darkness. That's dramatic but that’s what it’s like for him. It’s like this emotionally starved monster in his head but in reality the monster is this scrawny young boy who wants to let go and open up but is blocked by himself and running away from his shadow aspects. I do see him though slowly moving towards becoming more open, honest allowing his vulnerable and passionate side out in a healthier way but it might take a while (unless he’s already been working on this) since the knight of pentacles is the slowest knight but he’s also the most stable and loyal.

4. What is his "type" the sage 19 reversed, knight of cups reversed, Jeanne the maid, golden empress, the lovers reversed, 3 of cups reversed

His ideal type is someone who can come across as aloof, cold, excessively critical. Hey I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt but when I pulled a clarifier I got the knight of cups reversed lolll. Dude likes toxic people apparently. On the surface they might look “normal” but on the inside their inner world is overflowing and they have an abundance of charisma and sexual energy. Honestly that could be a big reason why he likes that. There’s a big dualistic energy in them and appearing the best on surface level but underneath is really unpredictable and has the energy of unrequited love. I think he likes those types of people who don’t fawn over him like he’s the second coming of Jesus tbh. This person doesn’t give 2 fucks and they don’t tell everything up front they’re mysterious and it’s more of a challenge for him. They’re really good at appearing humble and maybe innocent even but that’s just because they know how to woo people really. They’re confident and can convince people of almost anything especially around those in power they know how to present their best self to get what they want.

At first I was confused why your ideal type would be someone that seems manipulative af but it makes sense when Jungkook has a lot of deep dark shit he needs to work on from the other cards. I think it’s a big codependency thing and excitement that someone toxic can bring also the fact that this person is down for anything in the bedroom they’re not ashamed or shy about it. His idea of love is pretty distorted he thinks he needs someone who is as intense as he is but really it would be a bad combination especially with the lovers reversed. I’m getting especially that as long as he keeps going after these types of people, he’s never going to be with his “true love” for a lack of a better term. Basically not be with someone who is actually good for him. There could be third party bs but I’m getting more of an overindulged and addiction energy between both of them. Even if he knows they’re no good it’s just so intoxicating it’s like a damn drug to him and it feeds into his more animalistic side (I have no idea how to articulate this lmao) it’s like possessive nature. This reminds me a lot of the attachment types since there’s a lot of people like this who love a more avoidant person and I feel that Jungkook is probably avoidant himself so this is like home sweet home to him. It puts him in the cat chasing mouse position instead of the other way around. That emotionally unavailable energy is very appealing to a lot of people I guess especially when you’re used to everyone bending over backwards for you.

5. What is his love language: Ta’Om the poet 29 reversed, the bodacious Bodach 59 reversed

He likes when someone actually does helpful things for him that is useful and not like the annoying meddling energy of just doing stuff for him that he doesn’t want you to do. He also does this for others. So acts of service mostly but you already knew that.

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subbing-for-clones · 3 years

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The New Apprentice Part 7

Maul x Sith Reader

Word Count: 3.3K

WARNINGS: 18+ Mentions of injuries, slightly jealous Maul, Unprotected sex, Inappropriate use of the force, force bond, self-deprecation

PREVIOUS NEXT MASTERLIST

Your eyes didn't open right away. You could faintly hear Savage speaking with who sounded like a woman through a voice coder.

"She was much worse off than you two despite your loss of limbs. Cybernetics are easy but her oxygen was dangerously low. Her core temperature being lower than yours caused the hypothermia to be more extensive. We don’t have a bacta tank to drop her into. Hopefully the concentrated salve will do enough for her."

"When is she going to wake up?" Savage rumbled.

"I don't know big guy. I'm a medic not a fortune teller. All I can tell you is that she's alive... for now."

It sounded like another presence entered the area and you recognized Maul's velvety rasp. One of his steps produced a light clinking sound.

"She will wake soon. Her mind is lighting up more than it has in the last two days."

Two days?! Oh fuck no.

You groaned quietly hating the idea of being the weakest link in a chain of three. You practically forced your eyes open and hissed at the fluorescent lighting. Your muscles were stiff but you forced them to bend to your will and sit up.

"Whoa whoa whoa slow down there..." the female medic ran over to you clad in armor you recognized it instantly from the holo-net news.

"What are we doing with a Mandalorian?" You tensed as she checked your bandages and scanned you. Your eyes narrowed at Savage's new cybernetic appendage; memories of the last time you had seen them came flooding back. He was the one to answer you.

"They found our pod floating in space. Turns out they hate the jedi so we've allied ourselves with them. Maul has been negotiating with their leader while you’ve been healing." Say what you want about Savage but the man could summarize.

"Okay..." head still swimming it was difficult to take everything in. Pirates didn't work out but now Mandalorians are going to work with you? You're just along for the ride at this point.

Maul had stayed a distance away from you with his hands clasped behind his back watching you intently. Turning his attention to the medic he hissed.

"Leave us so we may properly convey the details of our arrangement with my apprentice."

Not daring argue with the Zabrak the woman stood and hurried out of the tent. Not daring to meet Maul's eyes as he watched her leave. He closed his eyes for a moment as if to reach out and ensure no one was around other than the three of you. Once he was satisfied with his assessment he strode to your side and immediately softened. He trailed his fingers down your face gently and pressed a tender, passionate kiss to your lips.

"I thought I had lost you twice over. First to those damned pirates and Kenobi, then to the unforgiving confines of the galaxy itself." He paused for a moment, staring seemingly into your soul while Savage shifted on his feet not knowing where to look. He never imagined his brother could behave like this before.

"Alas, the force works in mysterious ways. We have found powerful allies but I don't trust them. They can't know what it is you are to me. I will not give them tinder to light."

You nodded in understanding.

"So, what's the plan?"

Maul took a step back and thought for a moment. Despite his care for you it was difficult to overcome a life of betrayal and deception. He quickly pushed these thoughts from his mind when he looked back to you. He took a seat on your cot and you could feel the cool metal of his new leg against your own.

"First, we must amass a larger army. Once we have their loyalty, we will aid the Death Watch in overthrowing the current ruler of Mandalore. After Vizsla takes the throne I am confident that he will bend to my desires one way or another. This group has much to offer, including a planet and they have no idea of our true intentions."

Your eyes lit up both with adoration and with excitement at the events to unfold.

"Yes Master, just tell me what to do."

"Can you stand?"

You wiggled your legs although still sore from where you were shot, the bacta shots and salves had taken care of most of the damage.

"Come then, you must meet the leader of this clan."

You rose to your feet and straightened your back with your head held high. You force pulled your sabers from a nearby table and hung them from your hips. Maul admired you as you made your way out of the tent. He silently wished he could've guided you out by your hand but again, he couldn't let them know how important you were to him; to everything. Instead, he settled for you walking on his right slightly behind him, Savage to his left as he led you both to the largest tent in the camp.

Several Mandalorians casually sat at the tables laughing, eating and drinking while the leader sat at the head only a few guards were posted to your surprise. He was obviously distracted by something his second in command was saying. She was a slight woman, shoulder length red hair and a sneer plastered across her face that only deepened when her eyes fell on you.

"Someone's finally awake." She smirked.

"Awake indeed..." you trailed off meeting her eye contact unblinking until she scoffed and looked away. Your eyes gleamed in satisfaction and your gold eclipse swelled slightly, feeding off of her disdain. Savage stifled a chuckle. The only person you bowed to in any sense of the word was Maul. Anyone else you would make kneel before you and this attitude permeated in any room you entered.

Your eyes shifted to the leader. He was tall, bald headed and was currently sizing you up with a satisfied look on his face.

"So, the dead rises on our moon." He stood and made his way over to the three of you.

"Only on momentous occasions. I believe I owe you my thanks for that."

He took your hand in his leather gloved one and pressed his lips to your knuckles, trying to hide a disgusted look on your face you humored him.

"Pre Vizsla, leader of the Death Watch, future ruler of Mandalore." He introduced. An almost inaudible growl rumbled in Maul's chest. Almost inaudible.

"Y/N, apprentice to the great Sith Lord Maul,” you responded coldly.

"Well, we are happy to welcome you to our camp. I understand that you will be helping us take back our home world."

"It seems as though we will. A great warrior people, the current Duchess has all but castrated. Tis a shame really and a disservice to all Mandalorians. One that I would aid in seeing righted."

He chuckled and continued to let his eyes dance over your form. The black romper you wore fitting tightly over your body, cleavage teasing and arms bare. Maul fought the sudden urge to take you there in front of all to see so it was known you belonged to him. His self-control overpowered his instincts and he continued to watch as Vizsla eyed you.

He really thinks she would stoop so low as to invite this man into her bed..

He practically projected and you heard his words tingle in the back of your mind. You smirked knowingly.

I hold no attraction to men such as he. I'd much rather feel your horns scrape my thighs Master.

Realizing you had heard him through the force, his eyes gleamed at your response to him. A warmth pooling in his groin and in yours.

"Drinks for our new friends!" Pre Vizsla called. The four of you took a seat at the head table and you listened with Savage as Maul discussed details of various plans with the leader.

It wasn't long before the woman with red hair you've come to know as Bo Katan interjected standing behind your master arms folded across her chest plate.

"We've allied ourselves with Sith before. Dooku betrayed us. They're no better than Jedi."

Thoroughly full of this woman and her insubordination you reached for your saber but before you could act, Maul was on his feet facing away from her with his hand raised to shoulder height. She dangled in the air grasping at a hand around her throat that she couldn't find. Your master growled furiously.

"Doubt will only lead to failure. Our combined strength will be rewarded. Mandalore will be yours, and Kenobi, this Sith pretender Dooku, and all our enemies will fall at our feet." He dropped her just before she passed out. Your arousal slicked your panties at the sight of him. Wetting your lips with a flick of your tongue in anticipation. The added bonus of your want was not lost your master.

Pre Vizsla looked enthralled with Maul's answer to Bo's accusation.

"I believe this alliance will be very beneficial."

Maker he didn't even have to look at her.... the way his voice growls and rumbles....

You unknowingly shifted in your seat as you took another swing of whatever drivel they had served you.

Wait until you hear me roar little one.

He answered in your mind sounding like it was whispered directly into your ear. A ghostly hand gripped the top of your thigh and dragged higher, just stopping before where you craved the touch to land. Your face tinged ever so slightly, easily falsely blaming the drink. After most of the warriors turned in for the night you were you shone to your private tent. Hours later only after you sensed everyone was asleep did you allow yourself to relax.

You thought of Maul, how his scarlet skin shone in the lamp light, his tattoos a stark contrast to the rest of him. How the power had seemed to seep out of his pores. How he spat when Dooku's name left his lips. You worried your bottom lip between your teeth and playfully pinched at one of your nipples while your other hand reached down to your soaking core, teasing your clit through the cloth slowly.

You heard him, a low rumble outside your tent before he entered. His eyes glowed, cutting through the darkness as they drifted over your still body.

"Eager tonight are we. It seems as though the lesson in patience hasn't stuck yet."

You let out a breathy sigh at his words as your tongue darted out to wet your lips. You sat up as he sauntered over to you. Barley a silhouette in the darkness. A low rumble deep in his chest as his lips met yours with a needy passion. He buried one hand in your hair the other on your back pulling you closer to him. You gripped his shoulders eliciting a groan as you trailed your fingers down his arms. He pulled his lips away from yours and pressed his forehead to yours lovingly.

You felt his presence in the edges of your mind as if there was a light wrapping on a shuttered window. You smiled into him. You were willing and wanting to follow this man to the ends of the galaxy long before you had started to fall for him. His hard exterior a stark contrast to the man now asking permission for entry. When you allowed him in, it felt so much fuller than what you had experienced with the fleeting vocal blurbs you had exchanged. He was warm and all encompassing. Despite his knowledge and practice with the dark side he was incredibly light and deep. Not unlike a sunset just before the sun slipped below the horizon, that last final burst of light. Surrounded by the night. So that's who your master was. A candle in the darkness at his core.

He shuddered at the connection, never having delved and melded with someone like this. It had always been harsh, seeking, painful with the intent to extract something. With you, he just wanted to feel what was in your heart and his breath hitched when he found himself within it. He pulled back slightly. His habit to deny his desires, to deprive himself of any semblance of affection threatening to take over. You couldn't allow this and reached back out to him while your hands snaked around the back of his head, tracing the base of his horns and pressing your lips back to his.

He quivered and moaned against your mouth as you projected your image of him into his mind. Where he couldn't deny or shy away from your beaming adoration and gratefulness. You teased the bottom of his lip with your tongue now asking him for entry. He parted his lips so you could deepen the kiss. You pulled him back so you lay on the bed with him on top of you, weaving your legs around his hips.

You showed him how your heart fluttered when he commanded the room. How your chest swelled when you caught him candidly reading a data-pad peering over the rim of his glasses or stirring his caf. How lying in his arms on the ship eased muscles in your body you didn't know you had. How he was your strength, your motivation and your safety.

You felt hot wet droplets drip onto your cheeks but saw nothing in the lightless tent.

I've never made anyone feel safe before his voice tinged in your mind.

I've never felt safe with anyone before.

Your tongues glided across one another's and you sucked his bottom lip into your mouth, releasing it with a light 'pop’ as he whimpered against you. He sat up to slip off his tunic and pull down the top half of your garb. His mouth hot, flushed with your neck as he nipped and teased.

I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to have you like this.

It's not your choice that I give myself to you. Only if you accept it.... I pray you do..

You swirled your tongue around the base of the horn that grew from his temple. He stifled a sob at the sensitivity and trembled. Letting you explore this feeling for only a moment before his attentions drifted further down to one of your perked nipples. He rolled his tongue across one and lightly pinched the other. You bucked your hips up into his while your breath hitched, the need for friction becoming desperate. This intimacy and careful caresses almost being enough to pull you over the edge as a knot formed below your belly button.

I hear you; I feel your desire. I will make you see stars. I'll take care of you.

He continued his slow journey down your body, kissing every inch of skin he uncovered, sucking bruises into your flesh. He slipped the rest of your dress off and threw it to the side leaving you fully exposed to him. He took a full minute that felt like hours taking in the sight of you spread out and breathing heavily for him.

You're so beautiful...

You gasped as his hot breath hit your cunt. Inhaling your arousal, you felt something switch in him. The predatory nature of his species dancing in the background of his mind. His bestial habits and desires bred into him through generations. You fought the urge to cry out when he delved his wet muscle into you, dragging it up your folds and encircling your swollen clit only to repeat the process. His ivory horns running gentle tracks across the sensitive skin of your thighs. He cupped a breast in one hand and pinned your hips down with the other as you white knuckled the sheets.

Fucking sublime. You're soaking wet darling. All for me.... mine... mine..

He slipped two of his thick fingers into your core. You trembled as he slowly pumped them in and out of you, slightly curling them when he was knuckle deep.

Maker... master I- I can't take it... you're gonna make me...

Call me by my name when I make you cum.

That was all it took to make you come undone over his face and hand as you trembled you whispered his name aloud like a prayer with shaky breath into the cool night air. He pulled away from you, removed his trousers and returned to your lips. Your breath still unsteady against him. You could feel his massive cock teasing your dripping sex running his ridges through your soaked lips across your overstimulated clit. Properly lubricating himself with your pleasure. You shuddered with an excited anticipation and begged him verbally with bated breath

“P-please Maul... I need to feel you... inside me.”

A deep guttural vibration rumbled in his chest at your submissiveness. He lined his blunt head at your entrance and eased into you slowly one ridge at a time. You both gasped at the overwhelming sensation. Slowly he pushed into you until he had sunk to his hilt. He returned to your neck, sucking dark bruises into your flesh while you adjusted to his size.

Maker I... I've never felt so full! So good... feels.. so good...

Quivering at your praise he dug his hands into the pillow behind you as he nipped at your swollen lips. A few moments passed before you started rutting your hips against him, begging him to move. He growled again while he obliged your silent wish. He started his thrusting slowly. Pulling almost all the way out before sheathing back inside you. The feeling leaving both of you breathless and desperate.

That predatory instinct within him grew as his pace quickened. You pulled his hand to cover your mouth to stifle your sobs. Every single rut hitting something deep inside you that no lover had ever reached before.

Harder... faster... more.... you were begging as that knot in your belly started to form. It was a sinful and overwhelming feeling, being fucked so well by your master. He hitched your legs up higher on his hips throwing your ankles over his shoulders and folding you in half; allowing him even deeper entry.

You're so good for me little one.... taking my cock so well... so fucking tight and wet for me... mine. All mine..

His thrusts became more erratic and uneven, you could feel him throbbing inside you. Every rut, he whispered in your ear possessively "Mine."

Maker you were ruined for anyone else ever again at this point. Your climax threatened to crest and your eyes rolled in the back of your head when he took it straight from your core pressing a hand over your mouth to stifle the scream that ripped itself from your throat.

Crying out repeatedly into his palm you clenched and fluttered around his pulsating cock. He sunk his teeth into your shoulder and roared animalistically as he coated your insides with his hot seed. He thrust into you a few more times while you both trembled. Coming down from your mutual highs.

“I will serve you the galaxy on a silver platter my dear. I will lay the power of the very universe at your feet if it means you'll stay by my side.”

You kissed him sweetly in response.

All I want is you...

He shivered at your answer and slipped out of you. He gently cleaned you with a spare sheet and cast it aside. Gathering you up into his arms he lay down on the cot and held you close. Stroking your hair until you fell asleep in the strange camp. Caught between a near death experience, your galaxy shattering orgasms and the promise of vengeance against the jedi who rejected you; you slept weightlessness on your lover's chest.

#maul x y/n #maul fluff #star wars maul #maul x reader #maul smut #lemon #sith reader #maul x sith apprentice #maul x apprentice reader #swtcw au #darth maul #savage oppress platonic #platonic savage #savage opress #sith warrior #star wars #starwars x reader #swtcw smut #smut

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animebw · 4 years

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Binge-Watching: Revolutionary Girl Utena, Episodes 37-39

Bravo

Just... Bravo.

Sugar and Spice

You know, it’s funny. One of the first things everyone tells you about Ikuhara as a director, whether they’re fans or not, is how obtuse and symbolism-driven his shows are. Everyone talks about how many metaphors the dude layers into his work, how you need to read deeply into every single image to parse out the meaning. And that’s true to some extent; Ikuhara does not exactly create the most accessible shows in existence. From Utena to Penguindrum to Sarazanmai, the way he tells stories invites you to fill in blanks he doesn’t fill in himself. His work can be confusing or unclear, or even just confidently non-literal. He asks you to work out the meaning for yourself, whether or not he’s given you all the tools to do so effectively.

But every once in a while, it seems like even he gets tired of all the pussyfooting around and decides to just explain his symbolism outright so even the thickest audience member can understand it.

Anthy’s statement that “girls are all like Rose Brides” pretty much confirms that my reading from last session was 100% true. The title of Rose Bride is just a literalization of the pressure that society places on women and girls, the way it commodifies them and turns them into prizes to be fought over, lacking any agency to enact meaningful change in their own lives. It’s a box to squash them into, until whatever individual personality they once had is erased and papered over by the designation of Female and all the submissive surrender that implies. Every woman has felt the chains of the Rose Bride hold them down at some point in their life, whether an abusive boyfriend, a toxic work environment, an overly traditional family, or any number of the conscious and unconscious social structures in our society designed to keep them in place. Anthy may be the character who actually bears that curse, but the patriarchal tyranny represented by Akio has no issue treating all the women around him in the same way. Just listen to how he condescends to Utena, telling her over and over again that girls shouldn’t wield swords, girls shouldn’t be princes, girls should just shut up and let themselves be saved by the men in their lives. Hell, he literally tries to take away her own internal sword, telling her that the literal representation of her heart is better off in the hands of a man. You can’t get a more cutting metaphor for this monster’s attempts to rob her of her very personhood.

The False Castle

And speaking of Akio’s manipulations, there was one last plot twist waiting for us in this final stretch, and it’s possibly the best goddamn twist of the entire show: the dueling ground is Akio’s observatory. All this fucking time, Utena, the student council, the members of Black Rose, they’ve all been fighting right under the prodigal asshole’s watchful eye. All those crazy props that littered the stage during the later duels, like the desks and cars? Projections from the observatory’s telescope, which I guess has the power to make hard light objects. The castle floating in the sky? Another projection. The giant symbolic building that everyone’s been fighting for was never even real. It was a perfectly crafted illusion designed to lure in the desperate and foolish, making them believe they were fighting for a shot at eternity when all they were fighting for was a chance to be used by Akio as an unwilling key to open the gateway to eternity for himself. That means that all this crazy symbolism we’ve been seeing over the course of the duels was actually fucking real. It wasn’t just a directorial flourish to represent the characters’ mental states, it existed within the show’s universe. THERE WAS ACTUALLY AN EXPLANATION. How fucking bananas is that? I can’t believe Ikuhara found a way to make his symbolism make both metaphorical and literal sense. I bow my hat to you, sir. Seriously, well fucking done. No goddamn wonder Akio doesn’t actually have any interest in the stars: this observatory was never meant to look skyward in the first place.

And it really is the perfect image, isn’t it? The last piece of information we’re told is that Akio and Dios are technically the same person, as foreshadowed by plenty of previous clues. Dios was the hero Akio used to be, but when Anthy saved him all those years ago, that persona was ripped away from him and now exists as a quasi-real spirit figure, just barely still holding on to reality. With the heroic side gone, Akio’s curdled into the bastard he is today. He accepts no responsibility for the hurt he’s caused, telling Anthy to blame the world, not him, for how she’s suffered under him. He victim-blames Utena for keeping up her relationship with him, as if a middle school girl is more culpable than the adult man who took advantage of her. The eternity he promises is the happily ever after of fairy tales, the perfect prince with his perfect princess living on forever and ever. And if his own sister must suffer eternally as humanity’s witch to make that dream real? That’s just a price he’s willing to let her pay. Besides, she’s happy now. This is the only way she can truly be happy. It’s the logic of an abuser through and through. But he still sees himself as the gallant prince he used to be, slaying evil and coming to the rescue of maidens in distress, even as he does nothing but mistreat, assault, and degrade the people around him. As he even mentions himself, the castle Utena thought she was ascending to was, in the end, nothing more than the fetid den where he enacted his worst crimes upon Anthy. A projected image of an ideal that doesn’t exist, luring you in to be swallowed whole by the scummy, all-too-human monster using it as bait.

In the end, Utena really did find her prince. Her search for her noble savior brought her, literally, symbolically, and metaphorically, right into Akio’s cursed arms. And just like the false castle that drew her eyes, she didn’t realize the true nature of the dream she was chasing until it was almost too late.

The Fool Reborn

And Utena comes so terrifyingly close to giving up. The pressure Akio exerts over her almost turns her into exactly the damsel in distress he wants her to be. She takes her ring off for the first time, thinking that a prince’s attire no longer suits the girl who slept with an older man. She continues hanging out with him, despite now knowing what kind of person he is, perhaps believing she deserves it. No longer trusting Anthy after last night’s revelations, she’s separated herself from the person she thought she could confide in the most. And Anthy, in her eternal sadness, seems all too happy to keep suffering in silence and let the pain swallow her whole (”Pardon me. This isn’t mine, it’s yours.” Yeah, she ain’t talking about the toast there.) She’s spiraling faster and faster, and if someone doesn’t catch her, she’s going to completely self-destruct. But miracle of miracles, someone does come along to catch her: all her former opponents. Yes, after so long trading blows on the dueling ground, the members of the student council are no longer the same antagonistic forces they used to be. They’re a little older, a little wiser, a little more self-assured, a little more aware of the problems with the way they’ve carried themselves. Without Utena knocking some sense into them, they never would have started down the long, slow path to self-recovery. And now that Utena’s in a crisis of her own, it only makes sense to return the favor.

And Christ, I fucking love this scene. After so long being at each other’s throats, watching them just play a casual game of badminton as they hash out their issues one last time really makes you appreciate how far they’ve come. And as they volley questions and shuttlecocks back and forth, Utena comes to realize how much they’ve all changed since they first met. Nanami stepping in as the rare voice of reason! Miki and Juri revealing they’ve both sort-of fallen for Utena after getting over their toxic feelings for their previous crushes! Not only that, they’re all aware of how much they’ve changed. Nanami acknowledges how obsessive she can be as she encourages Utena not to let her worst instincts betray her (”I get stupid when I’m around you!”) Miki takes a casual attitude toward how his affections have shifted: “Can’t I change my mind?” Juri’s equally nonchalant about wanting Utena’s picture to be the one in her new locket. How remarkably easy it seems in retrospect. How infinitely capable are humans of becoming something other than we used to be if what we once were no longer suits us. Utena is no longer the person she used to be, but that doesn’t mean she needs to be the person she’s turning into either. Only she gets to decide that much. Only she gets to figure out who she wants to be. And in the end, there was only one choice she was ever going to make.

In the end, who she wants to be is someone she’s been from the beginning: a fool who believes in true friendship.

On the Balcony

Which brings me to the first of two scenes in this finale that utterly fucking destroyed me. After years of suffering Akio’s abuses, years of burdening herself with endless pain, after everything she and Utena have gone through in the past months, Anthy finally breaks. It’s too much heartache. It’s too much fear. It’s too much internalized self-loathing. Trapped in a vicious cycle that’s stripped her of her humanity and dragged down the one person who genuinely cared for her, Anthy tries to throw herself off a balcony. To erase herself from the world and escape the eternal agony she’s lost all hope of ever healing from. But just as she falls from the edge, Utena’s hand is there. It reaches out. It grabs her own. It holds her steady and pulls her back from the brink. It pulls her back into the arms of the girl who always promised to save her.

And after thirty-seven episodes of dancing around each other, hiding their feelings, unable to give voice to the pain they hold inside, unable to confide in each other... Anthy and Utena finally talk to each other.

God. Fucking god. Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for this moment? Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for these two to stop holding back and finally let their walls down? To hear Anthy choke back tears as she says she thought it was okay for her to be abused and misused, because she didn’t think she had a heart worthy of being broken? To hear her break down with the guilt of having caused Utena pain and admitting all the lies she’s told her? To hear Utena in turn apologize for never realizing the pain she was suffering? To hear her admit the shallowness and egoism of playing a prince to save her, despite not being able to heal the wounds that truly mattered? To hear her admit that her first instinct upon Anthy revealing the secret of her and Akio, reaching out for help in the most desperate manner possible, was to feel betrayed instead of realizing the true horror of Anthy’s situation? Every repressed feeling, every mistake they made, every regret they could never move past, all of it comes pouring out in a single, overwhelming tide, and it just fucking broke me. I was weeping openly and proudly all throughout that litany of confessions. God, they did it. They fucking did it. After spending the entire series circling each other from a distance, these two flawed, suffering people finally found their way into each other’s arms. And it’s a sight so beautiful it chases away the night.

The Prince Defeated

But accepting their pain is only the first step. The monster that drove them to this point still has his claws in them. If they truly want to step back from this ledge, they need to make sure Akio can never reach them again. And Anthy’s still too traumatized from years of abuse and coercion to dream of defying him. She begs Utena to leave her behind and run, run far away where she and her brother can never hurt her again. But Utena takes the second choice: stand and fight. There’s no way in hell she’s leaving Anthy to suffer anymore. Not when she finally understands the true extent of her pain. Not after chasing this destiny for her entire life. She chose to be a prince to save Anthy from her despair, and there’s no way in hell she’s turning back now. No matter how terrifying the path ahead, she’ll face it head-on, clasping Anthy’s hand tightly and never letting her go again. It took her far to long to realize, but she’s sure of it now: she loves Anthy Himemiya. She came all this way just to save her. And no one- no god, no devil, no prince, no monster- is going to stand in her way. She fights back with all her strength! She matches Akio blow for blow in a final, furious duel! Her conviction pierces the projected illusions and finally brings the false castle crashing down, just as Saionji saw all those episodes ago! It’s a brilliant, breathtaking light show! The full might of the prince Utena’s always aspired to be, blazing with all her courage intact as she carries the mantle Dios abandoned all those years ago!

But just when it looks like she’s going to win... a blade spears her through the back.

I don’t think I can adequately express the sheer horror that burned through me when Anthy betrayed Utena. I don’t even recall if I made a noise or was too traumatized to manage anything other than a silent gaping scream. I have seen so many shows try and fail to pull a last-minute twist where the hero is betrayed by someone they were trying to save, pulling the maneuver out of their ass for a cheap, unsatisfying shock to try and make things feel more meaningful. It almost never works, and it almost always reeks of laziness and contrivance. But this? This fucking hurt. This fucking speared me through the gut just as surely as Utena. All the courage she showed, all the determination that drove her forward, and it still wasn’t enough. Because it could never be enough. No matter how hard she fought, no matter how desperately she struck against evil, Anthy’s prison was never one a prince could break. A knight in shining armor could never free her from the chains Akio imposed upon her. A hero could never slay the self-loathing that bound her to the man who made her life a living hell. Utena was fighting a losing battle from the start, playing a rigged game she had no chance of winning. And Anthy would rather strike her down right there than force her to become the next victim of the system that kept her locked up.

The Rose Gate

And so, Utena falls. The prince fails one last time. Anthy surrenders to her jailer. The path is clear for Akio to open the way of revolution. The door to eternity, bound by roses, is the last barrier he must pry open. He strides forth, accompanied by a shimmering rose mosaic on the wall, shedding bitter tears in a pathetic attempt to guilt Anthy into overcoming her regrets and joining him once again. And once again, Anthy is ripped to shreds by the swords of humanity’s hatred. The last guardian of the rose gate is the endless storm of steel that flays apart all those fooling enough to reach for eternity. It is for that reason the Rose Bride was created: to bear the wrath of unending slaughter, taking all humanity’s sins on their head while the supposed noble prince grasps his prize all on his own. It’s horrifying. It’s brutal. It’s utterly eviscerating and tears your heart from your chest. And Utena desperately tries to stand up, pleading Akio to turn back, to help the sister he claims to care about, to show even one glimmer of the hero he used to be, for there to be some way, any way, to save Anthy from this torment. But no way comes. No one steps in to save Anthy. Even Dios, the power Utena’s always relied on when her own falls short, tells her she’s done enough. There’s nothing more a girl can do. There’s no way left to save Anthy. She might as well give up, satisfied she did all she could. She might as well lie down and accept one last kiss from the prince who set her on this path in the first place.

But Utena rejects his kiss with a violent punch to the floor.

She rejects giving up.

She rejects thinking she can’t do anything just because she’s a girl.

She rejects the failed path of the prince.

She rejects every last role that’s even been placed on her, including by her own hands.

Utena Tenjou, broken and bruised, stands up.

And what follows is a sequence that officially solidifies the finale of Revolutionary Girl Utena as one of the greatest anime finales I’ve ever seen.

Love’s Revolution

The power to revolutionize the world. From the very start of the show, every character has been fighting for it. The student council has sought it. The black rose folks sought it. Akio sought it, and now stands on the verge of obtaining it. But try as he might, the door won’t open for him. Utena’s sword, the sword of the prince she used to be, shatters against it. Not a single prince has been able to breach that gate. So Utena pushes by him, grasping the gate’s handle as Anthy is skewered endlessly in the sky above. She pulls with all her might, even as her strength fails and her body crumples. She pulls as if her life depends on it. She pulls as Akio criticizes her from the sidelines, comparing her to the Dios he used to be, telling her that such childish determination won’t amount to anything. She pulls as everyone and everything tells her she can’t do anything. She pulls and screams in their face to shut up. She pulls not as a prince, not as a hero, not as a princess, not as a girl. She pulls as Utena Tenjou, who loves Anthy Himemiya with all her heart.

And before Akio’s stunned eyes... the door begins to open.

Except the door is no longer the rose gate that would grant the power of revolution. Why would it be? Utena’s desire was never to change the world. From the very start, she never cared about the foolish duels or the misguided motivations that trapped everyone within them. Her mission was always one single goal: save Anthy Himemiya. Rip the chains of the Rose Bride off her. Free this lost, frightened soul from her lifelong prison and allow her to stand on her own two feet at last. And what else should the door become but the door to Anthy’s coffin. The door to the prison she’s been trapped in all her life. The door that keeps her trapped in despair, unable to move on. The same coffin that Utena buried herself in when her parents died, the same coffin that Saionji spoke of to Touga, the same coffin representing everyone’s fears and regrets and trauma and paralysis. The same coffin that freezes everyone in place, victims of the lives they’ve lived, unable to break free of the systems that hold them in place. The same coffin that Utena was never able to open before, all those times she misread Anthy, all those times she was unable to see her despair, all those times she failed to open up to her.

But this time? This time, Utena holds nothing back. This time, she pulls with all the strength she was too scared to call upon until now. This time, she whispers, in a voice wracked with sobs, the words of her heart she was never able to say before:

“The only time I was really happy... was when I was with you.”

And just as the droplets of water unlocked the gate to the supposed “dueling arena” time and time again, Utena’s tears break through the seal.

The door to Anthy’s coffin- the door to Utena’s revolution- opens.

And inside is the true Anthy Himemiya, naked and bare, the girl Utena was always trying to save no longer hidden.

After almost thirty nine episodes... Utena and Anthy have met each other at last.

Ladies, gentlemen, and everyone in between, I’m not ashamed to say that I fucking lost it. I descended into full-on Niagara Falls territory and didn’t let up for the rest of the episode. All the hardship, all the suffering, all the battles, all the twists and turns, all the lies and deceptions and hidden agendas, all the unspoken pain and repressed trauma, all to bring us to this one singular, perfect point, where two people finally let their defenses fall and see each other clearly for the first time. No longer are they a duelist and a rose bride, a prince and a witch, a broken ideal and a chained scapegoat. Now, at long last, they are nothing more or less than Utena Tenjou and Anthy Himemiya. Two girls with the strength to reach out to each other, to share each other’s pain, to open their hearts and let their love be known. The dream that Utena’s been fighting for, the mission she’s tried to hard to achieve, has finally come true: Anthy is free. The door to her coffin is open. The chains of the Rose Bride have been shattered. And it came not from the valor of a prince, not from the courage of a princess, but from something far more powerful than either of those restrictive roles: love. Love, in its purest, most unabashed form. Love, in its capacity to see someone as they truly are and let them see you just as clearly. Love, which tells you that you deserve to be happy. Love, which tells you that you deserve to be free. Love, which is the truest, greatest revolution that could ever wait on the other side of that door.

That’s the truth that Akio could never see, that Dios failed to realize, that the student council was blind to, that the Black Rose never even came close to realizing. The power to change the world lies not in some false notion of eternity designed to keep you frozen in place forever. It doesn’t lie in binding yourself to a broken system that only serves to drag you down. It lies in the simple kindness of reaching out. It lies in rejecting hatred. It lies in offering a shoulder to lean on when times get rough. It lies in owning up to your mistakes and resolving to be better. It lies in telling someone who’s been trapped all their life that they deserve to be free. Beyond all the upheaval and posturing and chaos, the power to bring the world revolution is nothing more or less than the power to give someone the strength to live their own life. After all, when the systems that govern out lives are based on oppression and misery themselves, what other revolution could there be... but love?

Someday, Together...

And for all the sacrifices, for all the missed opportunities, for all the failures and false starts along the way, Utena’s revolution is a success. Just for a moment, she and Anthy lock hands as their true selves. Just for a moment, they find the strength to save each other before Anthy’s coffin falls away with the collapsing arena. Utena becomes the new target for the swords of mankind’s hatred, gladly serving as their new scapegoat so that Anthy can walk free. In the end, the school goes back to normal, and Akio retains his position. But the people he had under his thumb are finding their own paths. Miki has taken Tsuwabuki under his wing. Juri has returned to fencing on her own terms. Touga and Saionji spar as friends once more, giving each other the strength to strive to be better. Nanami seems an infinitely more well-adjusted and eager member of their friend group than she ever has before. Wakaba has found a new friend who’s just as doting and loving toward her as she herself once was Utena, and she deserves all the loving cuddles she’s about to receive. And Anthy? Anthy makes the single bravest choice of the entire show: she leaves. She leaves Akio, leaves the school, leaves the abusive environment she’s been trapped in for god knows how long. Akio can stay in his cozy coffin pretending to be a prince, but the former Rose Bride has no reason to play along anymore. She has no reason to stay on this sinking ship with a paralyzed coward who can only hurt other people in pursuit of an impossible goal. At long last, Anthy’s life is her own, and only she can decide what to do with it.

And what choice does she make now that her life is finally in her own hands? The same choice Utena made for her all those years ago. Wherever Utena is now, she’s far outside Akio’s clutches, some place he can never reach her. And this time, Anthy will be the one to save her. This time Anthy will be the voice of kindness come to pull Utena out of whatever prison she’s become trapped in. This time, they’ll be there to rely on each other through thick and thin, no matter how rough the path ahead may be. After all, they still have a date in ten years to look forward to. They still have so many promises to fulfill. They still have so much life ahead of them, far from any princes or princesses or false idols desperate to tear them down.

We still have so much life to live.

We still have all the time in the world.

We still have so many revolutions, big and small, left to undertake.

And someday, together... we’ll shine.

Odds and Ends

-It bears repeating: this OP fucking slaps.

-”It’s been a long time since we’ve ridden on a bike together.” Oh, just kiss him already.

-”What a coincidence. I put poison in your tea.” sdfkhsdkfh WHAT

-Christ, they’re even bringing back the cursed therapy elevator.

-So. The red carpet leading toward the final door. The side characters having a cookout as they wait for the protagonist to come back safely. Lesbian lovers falling from a tower and suffering the sins of dreaming. Gee, I wonder which show’s tragic ending Revue Starlight was subverting.

Wow. Okay. This has been the single largest amount of time I’ve ever spent on an analysis post for this blog. This took me close to four hours to write. So you all better fucking appreciate it. I’m gonna go shower, and once I’ve given my wrists a chance to recover, it’ll be time for me to give my final thoughts on this truly one-of-a-kind show.

#anime #the anime binge-watcher #tabw #revolutionary girl utena #utena #shojo kakumei utena

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darkthoughtss · 4 years

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Don’t Get Too Close

Chae Hyungwon | Chapter One

pairing: Hyungwon x Reader

genre: angst, smut

warnings: swearing

word count: 1420

20/3/2020 - 8:08 pm

“I wish he would notice me...” You whispered.

You let out a sigh as your eyes followed Hyungwon walking across the room. He looked worn out and tired.

“You could start by saying hi,” Hyunwoo said behind you.

You responded with an involuntary muscular spasm as a reaction of surprise. Embarrassed, you let out a nervous laughter.

“Shownu! I didn’t see you there,” you said.

He laughed, “I’m sorry Y/N, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“It’s okay,” you said with a faint smile.

“You know, a lot of people think Hyungwon is cold. I’ll admit he gives that impression at first but he is genuinely kind. I just think he is a shy person,” Shownu explained while taking his mic off his shirt.

You bit your lower lip, still feeling embarrassed Hyunwoo had caught you red-handed.

“It is not that.. I don’t think he is cold. I just...” You trailed off.

How could you tell him how you really felt? You were coworkers and should be professional around each other. You felt like this conversation was a tad bit too personal. It could escalate and result in a huge scandal that you didn’t wish for. Although, you knew Hyunwoo would never tell anyone, you knew that if you weren’t careful enough it could easily spread false rumors. But who were you kidding? Even if you had the chance you wouldn’t have the confidence to speak to Hyungwon. He would never be interested in someone like you. You didn’t want the conversation to go any further than that, so you decided to tell a little white lie. Determined, you made a firm nod.

“You know what? You’re right. It won’t hurt to say hi. So that’s what I’m going to do! Thank you for the advice, Hyunwoo. I really appreciate it!” You said looking straight in his eyes. Your gaze quickly fell down to the floor when you noticed the confusion in his eyes. You escaped the scene before you would expose yourself.

21/3/2020 - 1:12 pm

You trailed your pen across the paper creating doodles on your manuscript. You were supposed to study the manuscript so you could complete your lines without having to read it again between every take. But you couldn’t focus. You kept thinking about Hyungwon. It’s been over two months since you first realized you had feelings for him. You’ve been working closely with Monsta X since last year. You had the same company as them and the head chief wanted them to help promote your new album. You had been a little skeptical as to why you couldn’t promote it by yourself. You suspected it was because the chief noticed it wasn’t going that well for you and decided their most successful “project” could set things straight. At first the boys just gave you the impression that they were really professional, talented and handsome but other than that they didn’t seem interested to get to know you. You also took the collaboration very seriously especially because you were scared you could lose your one and only job.

They each had their own charms on screen and off screen. To be honest, you hadn’t noticed Hyungwon that much as first. However, his attractive sides were soon revealed to you. He liked working late rather than early like you, so you met each other regularly. You had witnessed rare moments, a side of him that not everybody got to see.

(2/12/2019 - 2:45 pm)

You remember one time, when a staff member got scolded in front of everybody for messing up the schedule with some makeup artists which delayed the whole shooting. That staff member had been rude to everybody all day and you felt like he didn’t want to work. You later found out that he was the son of the director as replacement for one of the staff members that notified as sick. Well, after he got scolded he got pushed by people’s shoulders as they walked past him to get outside. At some point he dropped all his papers and nobody looked like they wanted to help. You remember you went over to help him pick up all the papers. He didn’t thank you and just walked away.

(3/12/2019 - 11:03 pm)

The next day, when you were on your way home, you heard two people talking, almost arguing, inside Monsta X’s dressing room. It was Changkyun and Hyungwon. You didn’t mean to eavesdrop but you couldn’t help but hear the conversation as you walked past the room.

“Still. It wasn’t your job to do so. You could’ve gotten into trouble,” Changkyun said.

“But I didn’t. What else can I say? I felt bad for the guy, he looked like he had a really bad day and it definitely didn’t get any better by his behavior towards others,” Hyungwon explained.

“Yea, yea, whatever you say man. Next time don’t be so obvious, okay? I mean, if it wasn’t me who caught you on the director’s computer I can’t even begin to imagine what could’ve gone wrong. And all that trouble, just because you wanted to make it look like he actually worked on the schedule! It was obvious that he didn’t have any plans to work as soon as he stepped into-” Changkyun stopped himself mid-sentence. “Wait, I think someone’s at the door,” he said.

You remember how taken aback you were at that moment. How did he know you stood by the door? Did he have some kind of sixth sense or something? You quickly increased your pace when you heard steps walking towards the door. You barely made it around the corner before you heard the door open.

21/3/2020 - 1:16 pm

And from that moment on, you kept an eye out for Hyungwon. You figured the whole conversation was concerning that staff member you had helped, and you were curious to know why Hyungwon would go that far to help a stranger. And especially someone who most people would think didn’t deserve it. In your eyes, you helped that guy pick up the papers because you were being kind. You knew he probably had a rough day and needed some help. But literally saving his ass by doing something that could get you into trouble? Why would Hyungwon sacrifice himself like that for someone he didn’t know?

You also remember plenty of other times, when he had comforted the other members when they were feeling gloomy. He just always knew.

(29/1/2020 - 8:17 pm)

One time, you were shooting with the boys, and Jooheon kept messing up. He got more and more upset for every time he didn’t succeed but no one could tell because of his smile and laughter as he tried to play it cool. After the shooting you had noticed Hyungwon used the last bit of his energy to get water for Jooheon. The other boys laid flat down on their backs as soon as they heard the director yell “cut!” because of exhaustion. Hyungwon dapped the sweat off Jooheon’s forehead with a towel, hugged him and made him laugh. And you realized he was comforting him. Your heart fluttered by the thought of the memory. So thoughtful of him, you thought.

21/3/2020 - 1:35 pm

“Y/N!”

You almost jumped out of your chair of pure shock as your name got called out.

“Why are you sitting there daydreaming? We don’t have time for that! Stop being lazy and get to work!” The director said after walking past you.

“I’m sorry! I will do better!” You said with a slight bow.

Your cheeks were warm red as you fumbled through the manuscript.

“Having problems?” You heard a voice say behind you.

You gulped as you recognized the voice. Hyungwon.

You turned around to see him walking towards you.

“Ah, I, Uh..” You stammered.

Why were you embarrassing yourself like this? Say something!

“Yeah, I’m having trouble remembering my lines,” you said.

You couldn’t look him in the eyes but felt his presence in front of you. Before you knew it, you asked him if he could help.

“Can you help me? If you don’t mind, of course,” you said.

“It would be my pleasure,” he said.

His hand reached out for the manuscript in your hands.

Were you supposed to do lines with him now?!

He laughed at your expression and shook his head.

“Here, let me read your partner’s lines and then you’ll try and remember yours,” he said.

You hesitantly gave him your manuscript. He cleared his throat and prepared his voice, “Okay, I’ll start from page 11,” he said.

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puddygeeks · 4 years

Text

Wᴇ Cᴏᴍᴇ Rᴜɴɴɪɴɢ - Tʜᴇ 100 Bᴇʟʟᴀᴍʏ x OC - Cʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ 31: Tʜᴇ Eɴᴅ Oғ Tʜᴇ Wᴏʀʟᴅ As Wᴇ Kɴᴏᴡ Iᴛ

Masterlist

Episode: We Are Grounders - Part 2

Rating: Mature

Summary: During her time in the Skybox, Indigo formed a precious friendship with fellow outcast Octavia Blake, the girl under the floor. At first they thought their departure from the oppression of the Ark was a blessing, but quickly came to rely on Indigo's keen survival instincts. The 100 struggle to meet the challenges of Earth whilst Bellamy strives to lead the wavering teenagers and his irresponsible attitude fuels constant conflict with Indigo. Their only shared interest is in protecting Octavia and Indigo beings to suspect that there is a deeper cause to Bellamy's seemingly irrational choices. As the consequences of his actions mount up around him, he finally begins to confide in her and she discovers more than she ever bargained for.

Fandom: CW’s The 100

Pairing: OC x Bellamy Blake

LONG TERM ONGOING PROJECT :)

My writing is entirely fuelled by coffee! If you enjoy my work, feel free to donate toward my caffeine dependency: will work for coffee

Warnings: Mature content. Non-consent, language, sex, self harm, suicide, anxiety, helplessness, torture, captivity/confinement, alcohol/drug use.

Chapter Thirty-One

By the time I fell out of the tunnel into camp I was panting and could hear the overpowering roar of the attacking forces. I dragged myself to my feet and climbed up onto the wall to assess the situation as quickly as I could. I found Miller aiming over the side with a wavering confidence and he stooped down to snatch a discarded gun that was beside him. I recalled that he was meant to be on the last checkpoint with Bellamy and my stomach flipped nervously.

“Where’s Bellamy?” I questioned frantically as he threw the gun at me and I somehow managed to catch it despite my distress.

“I don’t know! The last time I saw him, he was trying to get back to camp carrying Octavia. We got separated.” He called to me in a shirty manner as he scanned the furious crowd that surged toward the gates like a tidal wave.

“Carrying Octavia?!” I repeated in alarm and he glanced over with annoyance. “I have to get to them!” I cried as I stood frozen to the spot, torn between assisting in the effort here or trying to fight my way toward the checkpoint.

“You can’t! We need you here!” Miller yelled as he addressed me in desperation. “Look, if you want to see them again you need to stick to the plan, you know that he will.” He reasoned and for the first time since landing I felt as if we saw each other on equal ground.

“Alright, let’s do this.” I gulped, setting my gun on the wall as I aimed toward our mounting enemies. The grounders seemed to pour out from every direction and I couldn’t believe the numbers that we were now facing. This was worse than we ever could have imagined and we were comically under prepared for fighting of this scale. I sensed the gunners around me peeking at each other in terror as the grounders collided with our walls.

“There are too many! Everybody to the dropship, now!” Miller instructed as the determination finally crumbled from his face, alongside any new found respect that I’d gained for him.

“No! We need more time!” Clarke’s voice was stern from behind us and I felt my stomach twist at her words. I understood from the tone of her voice that things weren’t going well and without Bellamy here to keep the camp inspired, it wasn’t long until the plan dissolved. “Gunners stay at your posts, the rest of you inside. Come on quick, move!” Clarke commanded and everyone slowly moved back into place, but they still held themselves in a way that suggested they were ready to run for their lives. I sighed deeply with a knot building in my gut as I considered that the plan Bellamy had laid out was the only thing I could rely on to return him to me. As I studied the nervous faces of those around me, I knew that I could no longer hide in the shadows whilst others took the burden of leadership; Bellamy needed my strength.

“Alright gunners! You all heard Clarke, it’s down to us now! I don’t know about you, but I don’t plan to lay down as an easy kill for some grounder.” I started with a false confidence that I hoped wasn’t obvious. I’d seen every speech Bellamy had made to this camp and I hoped I knew him well enough to emulate his charisma. “This is our camp, our home and the people you see on these walls are your family now. Make every single bullet count, shoot calm and take down as many as you can. It’s time to show these sons of bitches the exit!” I declared and was exhilarated by the renewed war cries from those around me. We all returned to picking off the grounders who closed in on the last of our defences and I was proud of the focus that the gunners maintained, even in the face of the overwhelming odds.

We were interrupted by a far off explosion and I turned my attention to the sky to witness a bright light shooting over the camp. It seemed that everyone stopped to watch, including our attackers, as the light split into numerous pieces that burned down toward us. I had long lost any hope of ever receiving help from the sky but as the pieces grew closer, I realised that I was watching the Ark itself falling to us.

“Take down the gate!” A sharp command from outside drew us back into the moment as the grounders began attacking again. Before we could retaliate, we were distracted by the sounds of tribal calls and paused in a confused anticipation. I noticed that the grounders seemed equally confused by the sounds and I hoped that whatever was coming might help to turn the tide of this fight. “Reapers!” The same voice cried out again and I kept my gun trained on the distance as I waited for the uncertain threat. I was stunned when Finn and Lincoln fell into my scope, sprinting toward the grounder army before suddenly diverting and disappearing into the trees.

Immediately behind them was another large group which almost resembled the force that we were already facing and I couldn’t comprehend what insane plan Finn had calculated this time. In the moment that the new group noticed the grounders they stopped in their tracks, glaring tensely at each other in a silent standoff. I squinted over to the other gunners, who seemed every bit as puzzled as I felt and no one moved a muscle in fear of reminding them that we were there. Without warning the two groups clashed, forming their own fray and seeming to have completely forgotten about us altogether. I analysed that the grounders seemed to be wiping out the new group with little resistance and felt in my gut that this strange turn of events unfortunately wouldn’t be more than a brief reprieve for us.

“Reload! Get ready for the next wave, they’ll be back on us in no time!” I ordered the surrounding gunners in an attempt to prepare them, rallying them from their shock. “Grab a weapon, we’re almost out of bullets. We need to be ready if they break through!” I commanded as I kept a watch on the situation below out of the corner of my eye.

People scattered across camp frantically arming themselves with whatever they could find and I subconsciously reached for my dagger to reassure myself that it was still there. In barely a few minutes the grounders had brutally slaughtered their new enemies and returned to charging at the gates. I observed with a dread in my chest as several people on the wall were killed by arrows and I jumped into action. I fired at the archers rapidly, abandoning the careful shooting that I’d been focused on until now as I felt that we were losing control. I heard the clanging of hooks as several landed on the top of the wall and grounders began to climb up to the platforms that we were stationed on. I tried to slow them down but my gun jammed and I knew that I was finally out of ammunition.

“That’s it, fall back!” I gasped before turning to address all of the gunners determinedly. “Everybody fall back! It’s time to take it hand to hand!” I announced as I dropped the gun and leapt from the platform to gain some distance from the bloodthirsty forces that dragged themselves over the top of the wall.

I ran in a wild panic toward the centre of the camp, searching for any weapon larger than my dagger that I could use to defend myself. As I stumbled forward without focus, I knocked into a couple of people carrying grenades and caused them to drop several onto the ground at our feet. At that moment, the gate slammed open with an earth shattering crash and I instinctively snatched one of the grenades from the ground, lobbing it toward the gate in blind faith. It exploded in the perfect location to wipe out several of the grounders that rushed through, but it didn’t stop the leader who charged forward cutting down anyone in his way. I turned to the dropship and spotted Clarke and Finn crouched behind a crate. I sprinted over to meet them and as I dropped to their side to ask what was happening with the ship, Finn pointed manically ahead.

“There he is!” He yelled in a hopeful voice.

I turned to face the direction that he was pointing and clocked Bellamy crouched in the exit of a tunnel, behind the grounder who was carving a path through camp. My heart leapt into my throat and my thoughts raced at a million miles an hour as I realised in a crushing feeling of apprehension that Octavia wasn’t with him.

“He’s never gonna make it! Bellamy run!” Clarke cried out to him.

I searched around in a newly frantic haze for a weapon that would allow me to fight at arm's length. If I simply used my dagger there was a risk that the leader would skewer me before I could even get close enough to help. As I did this, Bellamy started to run toward us and the leader glanced his way to notice him creeping past. Bellamy held the gun up in front of him but it visibly locked as he attempted to fire and the leader took this opportunity to swipe the large sword he carried at him. For a split second I couldn’t breathe as the sword barely missed his waist and he dodged it by only a few centimetres. The leader punched Bellamy in the face, knocking him backwards heavily with the force and grabbed him to repeatedly slug him in the gut.

“He’s killing him.” Clarke breathed in a small terrified voice, causing my heartbeat to pound in my ears.

“No.” I hissed determinedly as I raised to my feet and pulled the pistol from my belt. I attempted to aim at the large leader that threw Bellamy around like a rag doll, but his movements were so rapid that I couldn’t get him in my sight without risking hitting Bellamy instead. My hands shook wildly as I struggled to maintain my grip on the gun and tears filled my eyes as I willed myself to get it right. I fired in blind faith and the bullet landed directly in the shoulder of the leader.

“Give me that!” Finn jumped up beside me and snatched a gun from a passing camp member as they ran to the dropship. He moved without hesitation, which was shocking for someone who was such a passionate pacifist and had been against the use of guns since day one. He fired at the leader in perfect timing to prevent him from slashing Bellamy with his blade. Bellamy fell flat on his back on the ground and Finn charged at the leader, tackling him to the dirt in a powerful motion.

“No, Finn, no!” Clarke screamed and I moved to attack after him but she caught my wrist to pause me on the spot. “Don’t!” She begged in desperation as she clung on to me but I threw her off with a furious yell. Once I was free of her grip I returned my attention to the fight and pulled my dagger out in preparation for an attack that I knew could cost me my life. When I met Bellamy’s eyes I knew that he had clocked me striding towards him and he regarded me with an expression of horror.

“Indie, don’t! Get to the ship!” He pleaded in a despairing tone before he was viciously tackled to the ground again by the leader. I managed one last step toward him before I was yanked backwards by strong arms that wrapped firmly around my waist. I struggled against the momentum with every ounce of strength in my body.

“No! Bellamy!” I howled in anguish as I scrambled with everything I had to reach him. I clawed into the ground and dug my heels in, using every part of my body to fight the movement. I caught a glimpse of Miller’s face in my peripheral vision as he tugged on my waist in a bid to remove me. In the next moment I was suddenly lifted from my feet and thrown over the shoulder of another strong gunner. The roughness and shock of the action caused me to drop my dagger to the ground as my arms dangled over his back.

“No! Get off me! No, stop!” I screamed as I kicked manically at them whilst they carried me toward the ship. I witnessed Bellamy overturn the leader and start struggling to battle them with Finn backing him up as the tears flowed down my face. I was struck with the horrifying clarity that Miller was encouraging Clarke to follow us inside and I acknowledged that they were securing what remained of the camp leaders so that they could seal us in the safety of the dropship.

“Stop, don’t do this!” I pleaded in a strained voice as we crossed the threshold into the ship. I fought hard enough to cause my kidnapper to drop me back to my feet but he immediately blocked me from leaving and Miller rushed over to assist him as they contained me between them. I was too lost in the storm of my panic to coordinate a way out, instead screaming wildly and thrashing against them.

“Indigo, just stop! We’re doing what he asked, you have to save yourself!” Miller reasoned as he fought against me and he behaved as if he were struggling with a caged animal. Clarke caught my eyes as she considered me with tear filled eyes and I observed her reaching toward the door mechanism with a fresh wave of desperation.

“Clarke don’t! Please! You can’t do this, Bellamy and Octavia are still out there!” I pleaded and my panic was so intense that my voice didn’t even sound like my own. “Finn is out there, don’t do this!” I reasoned in the hope that I could manipulate her own worry but she continued to turn the handle without a single word in response. I screeched maniacally at her as I threw all of my weight at my captors.

The moment that the door slammed shut the sheets parted to reveal the female grounder that I’d seen speaking to Clarke at the bridge. She stepped into the space, drawing her swords and smirked at the nervous group that surrounded her.

“Jasper, now! Fire the engines!” Clarke ordered over her shoulder and I turned to view him in outrage. I had no idea that this was the plan and I knew immediately that if they did this, every person we’d left out there would die.

“Jasper don’t, please! You’ll be killing them!” I begged although I was hardly able to get the words out through my tears and jagged breaths. I knew in my gut that there were other members of camp out there too, fighting with everything they had to drag their injured bodies back to the safety of the ship and I couldn’t face the idea of burning them alive alongside the grounders.

“I...I can’t do it.” He breathed as he stared back at me with watery eyes. I was about to breathe a sigh of relief when Harper leaned past him and slammed the trigger. I held my breath for a heart stopping moment, but no sound came. I could still hear the grounder army pounding on the door and prayed that Bellamy would somehow burst into the space to take control of the spiralling situation. Harper frantically shook the control in an effort to make it work, whilst Clarke turned to face the grounder who still stood analysing us.

“Anya, you can’t win.” She appealed and in the tense moment of silence that followed, the men that had trapped me earlier forgot to keep their grip on me. Anya swung forward at the crowd and I leapt out from between the boys without thinking. Anger controlled me like a puppet and I threw myself at Anya’s waist, slamming her into the floor with an unstoppable fury.

“This is all your fucking fault!” I growled as I wrapped my hands around her throat. I heard her begin to choke under my crushing force but she struggled against my grip and every time she thrashed to escape, I slammed her head into the floor maliciously. I was dragged off her by Clarke, who jumped between us to shield her.

“Stop, we are not grounders!” She cried and I snarled at her like an animal, causing her to jump in surprise.

Before I could do anything else, the ship began to shake wildly throwing us all off balance and I recognised the deafening sounds of the thrusters firing. I dropped to my knees as a deep, guttural sob escaped my lips. Everyone around me fell or struggled to hang on as the ship raised from the ground, but I couldn’t move at all. I could hardly breathe between the sobs that wracked my chest and felt my lungs burning with the strain. On the inside it seemed as if I could actually feel my heart breaking and my head throbbed viciously. There were no thoughts present there, no other feelings in my body than the overwhelming loss of the two most important people in my life.

I felt two skinny arms pull me in as Jasper wrapped me up in a jacket and leaned me into him, but his embrace didn’t provide me with the same sense of safety that I felt with Bellamy. I wasn’t sure if I could really feel anything anymore, as my mind imploded in on itself. I lost track of how long I stayed there, but I knew that I cried until my eyes strung and my chest ached. I started to shake all over and Jasper rubbed my arms in an attempt to warm me up. I couldn’t even see my surroundings and my hearing had cut off immediately following the sound of the blast.

Now that I’d finally run out of tears, I felt completely numb. I was lost in an empty chamber of pain and felt as if the entire world had crumbled around me. I felt myself being lifted and moved but I lacked any energy to resist the action. I was easily carried to a spot where I felt that my heavy body was leaned against a wall. I could still feel Jasper beside me, gripping me to him and became vaguely aware of the weight of his head on my shoulder. I stayed perfectly still, unable to compose a single thought and time seemed an alien concept in the state that I was in.

“We don’t know that they’re dead yet. Bellamy and Octavia are survivors, if anyone could find a way, it’s them. We just have to wait until morning. Don’t give up.” Jasper’s gentle words finally managed to reach me, even in the void of my mind.

“It’s no good Jasper, she’s catatonic.” Clarke’s sympathetic voice followed his and I tried to force myself out of the heaviness that trapped me inside of my own mind. “I don’t know that there’s much we can do, just keep her comfortable until she becomes lucid. I’m sorry.”

I felt myself shivering again but I suspected it was the effects of shock rather than cold. Regardless, Jasper adjusted the jacket that he had placed around me, ensuring that it was fully covering me as he made his best effort to keep me comfortable.

“It’s Bellamy’s, he took it off earlier to fix up some stuff. You can keep it warm for him until morning. I’m sure he’ll want it back.” He spoke in a hopeful tone and his words drew up a memory of the last moments that I’d seen Bellamy. Jasper was right, he wasn’t wearing his usual jacket, I hadn’t noticed it at the time.

Slowly, piece by piece, the world began to return to me. The sound seeped through first; the fearful voices around me, sniffing as people cried, the heavy breathing of others who were sleeping. Things grew darker as the room came into view, cramped with so many people huddled together in the small space. It was dark inside with only a few small torches to light the ship and I scanned the variety of emotions on the faces of the survivors who waited nervously for the morning. As soon as I started to move Jasper gripped me tighter, assessing me with wide eyes.

“Indigo!” He breathed and I noticed that his voice was soaked in relief. “I’m so glad you’re back.” He smiled thankfully as his eyes welled up with tears. “It’s been a long night without you.” He stated and I couldn’t manage any kind of facial expression in return.

“How long until…” I struggled to speak with my sore throat and my words came out in a raspy whisper. I pointed weakly toward the door and then returned my gaze to him for an answer.

“Not long now, we’ve just gotta keep the faith alive until then.” He smiled hopefully and I stared back at him in amazement. I couldn’t even begin to comprehend how he remained so hopeful when he’d witnessed the same bleak chain of events that I had, when he knew the force of the ship better than I did, when he understood the odds. I struggled not to allow my mind to run away with me, picturing what would have happened to those outside when the engines fired and Jasper simply sat squeezing my hand, waiting for a happy ending that he had unshakable confidence in.

The minutes ticked by painfully slowly as we sat in a tense silence. Jasper remained close at my side, keeping his grip on me soothingly. I glanced down at the jacket, running my fingers over the details; the small torn looking patch on the front, the unnecessary extra zip on the sleeve, the shoulder pads I’d placed my hand on the last time I touched him, when I almost kissed him. I pushed the memory forcefully to the back of my mind before it could replay in agonising detail, unable to consider that it might be the last chance that I had.

After what felt like an entire lifetime had passed in the despair of the ship, Clarke approached the door mechanism and finally opened it to face the world. The door slowly tilted down and the group of survivors gathered around it, waiting to see what awaited us on the other side. Jasper jumped to his feet and turned to carefully help me to a standing position. I didn’t realise until then that my body had become so weak, but the strain of the night had left me unstable and sore.

Jasper assisted me outside and once we reached the ramp he allowed me to lead us as he supported my weight. My eyes took a moment to adjust to the daylight, but when they did I could hardly comprehend the destruction that I was witnessing. The earth was scorched black and strewn everywhere were the charred, skeletal remains of a mixture of both forces. I surveyed them with an open mouth, repelled by the results of our actions before slowly turning to face the direction that I knew Bellamy had been last. I wandered slowly as I guided Jasper, tripping as I tried to step over the bodies that were scattered as densely as a carpet.

I battled with every shred of strength that I could muster to hang on to the hope that Jasper had shared with me. I couldn’t see far into the distance as the group had exited before me and were spreading across camp, so I just focused on heading toward Bellamy, praying that I would see some kind of sign that he had escaped. As we neared the edge of camp, I knew that we couldn’t be far now and my eyes searched for something to help me navigate. Two people in front of us leaned to the side and my stomach lurched as I realised that I was barely a step from where Bellamy and Finn had been fighting. I turned my face to the ground in horror and laid in that spot were two charred skeletons, frozen in motion as they faced each other.

The earth seemed to raise up to meet me as my knees slammed into it and the sound that escaped me hardly even sounded human. The severity of the odds of survival crashed on me in one suffocating impact and any fragile concept of hope shattered into a million pieces. In my gut I knew that there was no time, no chance for them to have escaped their pursuer and make it to somewhere fortified enough to have survived the level of annihilation that we had unleashed. I could feel the hot tears on my cheeks, despite having felt unable to cry any more earlier and my chest burned as I wailed agonisingly into the air. I felt Jasper’s comforting grip on my shoulders and he attempted to move me away but I aggressively shook him off. I leaned forward, taking my head in my hands as I felt my body shaking violently. I sat back up and as my eyes landed on them again, my vision rapidly blurred. I questioned whether the pain had finally pushed me over the brink to insanity and gasped out for air as everything faded to black.

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madmadmilk · 5 years

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girl will u be sharing the whole meeting tom experience like what did he say what did he smell like i know very creepy but IM SO CURIOUS HDHDHDH

OKAY, STORY-TIME ––> long read with reaction pics

first thing, WOW. he had a crazy, crazy, crazy long-ass schedule. he was in LA saturday, and philly on sunday by 9 AM? probably? then i knew his projected schedule was panel from 10-10:45, 11pm photo op, 1 pm autograph, 3 pm photo op, 4 pm autograph. totally stacked! i signed up for the photos at 3 cos that’s easier for me….

little did i know… how long it would take……………….…

so, his whole schedule got pushed like an hour-ish back? like no real consequence to me, but it made me feel really anxious and just like, whew, thinking that he kept a smile on for like hours & hours. and all i could think of was that i hope he had like an iced coffee or like food or something cos that’s CRAZY. but yeah–––– i got to pass the time with some tumblr friends :) ( @spidey-waffles11 & @seamless-hart ) and my boyfriend but he’s whatever 😛

but OK time rolls up (4:50 PM), i get in line–– and i’m there for SO LONG. but it was ok cos i was talking to this dad & daughter and they were really nice. there were some like super young girls behind me and they had like cute matching spider-man shirts but i was still looking at them like 🙂 . a part of me felt really extra cos i was really out there with false lashes and a BRIGHT RED dress. for reference, i looked like this:

cute, i know. this is my armor, and even tho a part of me felt kinda flashy and garrish…. i don’t care! it makes me feel CONFIDENT! but yeah–– do, do, do~ we get through the line, drop off our bags and i feel like we went through a mini-maze of black curtains and then––

HE WAS FUCKING RIGHT THERE THROUGH THE OPEN DOORWAY! i like turned the corner, and was kinda looking to my side at the lady directing and then to the family in front of me–– and then he was there. idk what i expected but i was just like 😦

ok, ok, ok so i think maybe he was looking up to see how many people were next but i’m going to just sit here and believe that MY RED-ASS DRESS caught his eye cos he literally:

looked at ME, then to the family in front of me as they came to him, but back at me as i walked over to wait. he raised his eyebrows and i smiled back and like, i think he looked at my hand cos i was like holding my wrist cos i was like, “oohhhh shit how the fuck do i stand like a regular person” but yeah either way it was like a back and forth–– that i’m probably romanticizing ALL HELL out of. but i was watching him so-– I SAW WHAT I SAW lol.

and then the family left and i still waited cos i’m polite like that and then he like waved his arm for me to come over and i was like 😧. then i think i literally hopped over and like rolled my shoulders back cos yeah and i smiled soooo hard and i think all i managed to say was , “heeey”

“hi! hello––” he waves me over again and i slide next to him while laughing.

i’m pretty sure i bit my fucking lip and like... no, no one does that in real life. god dammit.

“how are you?” i TRY to ask in a exasperated voice

and i think he just said, “yeah” (cos we were moving really fast it’s ok) and looked forward lmao

but i like was able to look at his face and i was literally like 😫 . what bb cream are you using sis???? it was too fast, i didn’t really absorb anything haha. but wow his lips really look like that i guess haha and i really fit into his side, like alright bro. this is where i belong i guess.

and cos of the time crunch of being super, super late i didn’t really get to talk to him cos it was just like photo time. i didn’t have a pose in mind, i just wanted to be WITH him that’s it.

so i put my hand around his waist and wow he’s lean! and he carries himself super tall, if that makes sense. he stands up pretty straight? but relaxed at the same time? and i think his hand was like on my upper back, near my shoulder but TBH i don’t KNOW. i just felt him press next to me.

uh, everyone keeps asking me what he smells like but i’m pretty sure i didn’t breathe until he let go. and then i was like, “ ah, soap. “

but after the flash of the photo i like turned to him and jfc i was really close. i’m kinda used to standing that close cos my bf is that height but 😬 . he smiled at me and just quickly said.

“hi, thank you so much for coming out.”

and i was like, “no, thank you!” and he kinda guided my back to the direction of the exit and i was like 😣 and i think???? i called back to say, “take care!” but maybe that was just my brain idk

but then?????? he walked next to me for a second? like we walked to the exit together and i was like??????? like there people in the corner i was passing, and he stopped by them. i looked at him again and he smiled and nodded at me.

this was me: 👀

hahahah and then he grabbed a water bottle someone offered to him and i heard him say,

“can you get my bag..? and grab my air pods”

and i like audibly laughed as i left, idk why that was just so funny to me. like there you go rich king. good! for! you!

and WOW. the family from before waited for me and they were like, “how was it?”

hahah and it was so lame cos i was suddenly BLUSHING so fucking hard like 30 seconds after it all happened hahahahahahahah ok but i couldn’t stop thinking about how he like looked at me in the doorway, and even if it doesn’t mean anything imma never let it go hahaha

anyway, he was really nice and his voice was still so excited and lively even tho he’s probably talked to like thousands of people that day. like his charisma was super charming in all of the 20 seconds i really saw him.

lol this is how the photo turned out:

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? i’m really haaaaappy with it! i’m kinda smiling too hard but lol THAT’S TOM FUCKING HOLLAND AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

so ya know, idk if i’ll ever see him like ever again? or if i’ll still always be into him as i have been but–– wow. what an experience to have with the way i am now. hope he’s getting a good night’s rest, and lots of warm hugs from his loved ones! thanks tom! thanks keystone comic con! and thank YOU GUYS for holding me together! 💛

#Anonymous #lmao i'm so annoying #but this most of everything that was going through my mind haha #tom holland #keystone comic con #mad meets #madmadmilk #personal #tom holland fic #tom holland imagine #but this is REAL #madmadthirst #idk what else to tag this but yeah

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