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summerwritesfics · 2 years

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🩷I’ve Been Wasting Away

Pairing: Hanzo Hasashi/Kuai Liang/Harumi Hasashi Length: 4647 Words Rating: Mature Warnings: Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied Neglect, Starvation, Malnutrition, Being Held Prisoner, There is some debate in the fic on if Kuai is an adult or not but he is 18 tho, Harumi looking at Kuai Liang: I can fix him

Mortal Kombat Oneshots Masterlist

Notes: Ptthh, the fact I’m actually somewhat managing to keep to my self imposed posting schedule is something. Again this was written like last December some time I just hadn’t gotten around to posting it yet. This one was written to be a one shot, but I maybe one day I’ll add more to it (look, if you can’t tell already, I’m really bad with having a million fic projects at one time lmao.) Also Harumi being the previous Shirai Ryu Grandmaster’s daughter is a headcanon that Ed Boon himself will have to pry from my hands.

Harumi knew something was going on. She wasn't stupid. She was 21 years old and knew when things were going down around here. Given how many senior Shirai Ryu warriors were running around, it was something big too.

They were all congregating around the jail, meaning they had to have a prisoner. As she spied on them, hearing whispers of “Lin Kuei”. She bit her lip, heading towards the Grandmaster's dojo.

“Father!” She burst through the doors, where her father was stood with some of his closest generals, including the father of her fiancé. “Is it true? Is there a Lin Kuei here?”

“Harumi, you know you shouldn't be here,” Akihito softly scolded. She could see a couple of the generals smile to themselves, it was an open secret that the only person who could break the rules without consequences was Harumi. It was a little upsetting having the reputation as a “daddy’s girl” but sometimes she did use it to her advantage.

“Yes, yes,” she waved off the complaint. “But is it true?”

Akihito hesitated, before admitting “yes, it is.” He then pointed his finger at her and in his best authoritative voice told her, “but you are not to get involved in any of this, do you understand me?”

She pouted. She understood her father's desire to keep her safe, why he'd forbade her from joining the Shirai Ryu, but it still made her a little angry. She wanted to be useful to her family, the Shirai Ryu had accepted female warriors for decades. Why couldn’t she join their ranks and fight side by side with her friends and husband-to-be?

Before she could voice her objections, she heard a gentle cough from one side.

“Actually, Grandmaster Hisakawa, I do believe she may be able to help.” All faces in the room turned to Master Hasashi, most of them shocked, Harumi curious and her father looking like he was about to start chewing him out. “The Lin Kuei has been refusing to eat, we worry that if we can not convince him to, he will be too weak to last an interrogation.” He turned his face toward her. “We believe he is scared. You have a very calming presence, Harumi, you may be able to convince him to eat.”

“Kaito,” Akihito warned lowly.

“Grandmaster, I am not convinced that this Lin Kuei is of age,” Kaito argued. Harumi frowned, the Lin Kuei's tactics she knew of rarely made sense to her, but it seemed needlessly reckless to send a child into battle. “And even if he is, I doubt he can be any older than 18. If this is the case, he will not know anything of importance. Hell, he likely doesn't even know why he was sent here.”

“It does seem suspicious,” one of the other masters, Chie, added in. She was stroking her hair back as she spoke. “13 is considered old enough to go on missions in the Lin Kuei, but they don’t tend send them on solo missions until at least 20. Why send someone so young on a solo mission, especially one right into the heart of their greatest enemies operation?”

“Unless they were hoping our hatred of the Lin Kuei would trump our empathy for someone so young,” Noboru almost mumbled, like he was considering something. “Unless they were sending him here to die.”

Harumi shuddered at the thought. Even if the Lin Kuei was over 18, it sounded like he couldn't be older than herself. The thought of someone sending him out with the intent of him getting killed? That was horrific. She had been told her entire life of the brutal conditions the Lin Kuei worked under, but this was beyond anything she could imagine.

Akihito closed his eyes, and sighed, before he turned to Harumi. “I do not wish to ask this of you, but Kaito is right. You are the most calming presence we have here, you may be able to succeed in gaining his trust.”

“I will not let you down,” she announced, so glad to finally have a use within the Shirai Ryu. Sure, mediator wasn't the most action packed of jobs, but it was a skill she figured most of the others were lacking. “I will go warm up the miso soup I made earlier and see if I can convince him to take it.”

“Please be careful, even if he is young, he could still be dangerous,” Akihito warned, placing his hand on her cheek. “If he so much as lays a finger on you, it's over.”

“I understand, I'm sure it won't have to happen like that.” She bowed to her father and the other masters, who bowed to her in turn. With that, she turned on her heel to go and gather the soup.

With the hot soup in her hands, she made her way over to the jail, where Akihito and his masters were stood explaining the situation to the current guards. The guards that just so happened to be made of Hanzo and his two friends Junpei and Katashi. She could see before she even got close that Hanzo was not happy.

“I am ready,” she announced, everyone turning to her. Hanzo was glaring at her, she was definitely going to have to make this up to him later.

“I still think someone should go in with her,” Junpei piped up, “maybe Hanzo should-”

“The kid is scared,” Kaito butted in, “if someone goes in there armed to the teeth, it's just going to put him further on edge.”

“I'll be fine,” Harumi assured everyone, but she could see it did absolutely nothing to persuade Hanzo. “If I need help I will call for it.”

Reluctantly everyone moved aside and the door was slid open. She didn't make any eye contact as she stepped inside and the door was closed behind her. The jail was small, the Shirai Ryu didn't take prisoners often, so there were only two cells. Sat curled in a ball with his head ducked under his knees, chained up, was what she could only assume was the Lin Kuei.

He wasn't wearing a shirt, and she was a little sickened by what she saw. He had muscle, that was certain, but that didn't really hide how thin he was. She could see his ribs for fucks sake. That wasn't just a few hours refusing to eat, that was months, maybe even years, of lack of food. Maybe the reason they were having such a hard time pin pointing his age was due to stunted growth and malnutrition. The thought made her blood boil.

Still, she took a deep breath and softly called out, “hello, my name is Harumi.”

The Lin Kuei tensed, but moved his head until his eyes were at least visible. She was struck by just how blue his eyes were. She tried to ignore the large jagged scar over his right eye.

“I've been asked to give you food,” she explained, passing the bowl of soup through the bars and gently placing it on the floor in front of him.

“I refuse to eat,” the Lin Kuei hissed. Even his voice was as ambiguous regarding his age, not light or deep enough to say for sure if he was an adult or not. “Tell your masters I choose to die.”

“Well, my masters don't want to kill you,” she tried, settling down on the floor in front of him. “And we would rather you eat.”

“Why?” The Lin Kuei asked, finally jerking his head up and putting his legs down. “I know nothing that would be of use to you! The Lin Kuei will not come for me, and will not negotiate for my release. You have no choice but to kill me.”

“Hm, no I think we do have other choices,” Harumi disagreed, trying to stop herself from giggling at the way the Lin Kuei pouted. “And I'm afraid you not eating isn't one of them. If you don't we may have to force feed you, and trust me, that is a very unpleasant situation to be in.”

The Lin Kuei didn't say anything, just frowned like he was considering what she'd said. He didn't go for the soup though. She reached forward, pushing it a little closer to him. He regarded it for a second, before he finally reached for it and after sniffing it began to eat. Harumi let out a relieved sigh.

“Thank you,” she softly said, curious about his reaction to the soup. He seemed surprised, but not repulsed. “So, what's your name?”

The Lin Kuei glared at her like she'd just asked him to jump off a cliff. Eventually however he mumbled out the word “Tundra.”

She knew it must have been a codename, but at least she had something to call him now.

“How old are you, Tundra?” She asked. He looked at her again, although this time he looked more confused.

“Why?” He asked, looking very guarded.

“It's been a bit of a debate since you got here,” she tried with a smile. “I would appreciate being able to put an end to it.”

Tundra looked at her like she was mad, but eventually answered, “I'm 18.” So, he was an adult, but barely. “Wait, is that why they don't want to kill me? Because they think I'm a kid?”

“Even at 18, you're a little young to be considered for execution.”

“I'm 18! I'm an adult!” The fact he was practically throwing a tantrum was really not helping his case.

“Well, I'm 21 and due to be married, but my father still considers me a child, so trust me, you have no chance of convincing them you aren't one.” They stared at each other for a solid minute in silence. Then to Harumi's complete surprise, Tundra began to laugh.

“That's so weird,” Tundra giggled. “Then again, my brother still treats me like I'm a kid, even though I’ve been going on missions for years. This was meant to be the one where I proved him wrong.” He stopped laughing, staring at the chains cuffed to his wrists. “I guess I fucked that up, hm.”

“I don't think that was your fault,” Harumi sympathised.

She wanted to question a Lin Kuei having a brother. She knew they generally didn't hold onto family ties. There were only two consistent bloodlines in the Lin Kuei, the Grandmaster's bloodline and the Sub Zero bloodline. She doubted Tundra was part of the Grandmaster's bloodline, there was no way he'd have been sent here alone.

She then realised something.

Blue eyes. The name Tundra. Having an older brother.

Oh. Oh shit.

She tried not to let her realisation show, she didn't want Tundra to question her. She instead continued to make small talk, until he'd finished his soup. She took the bowl, told him that she'd be back to let him know what was going to happen to him, and left.

When she stepped out, she saw the brief moment of relief on everyone's face. That was until they saw how serious she looked, at which point the nervous energy swiftly returned.

“Harumi? My girl, what's wrong?” Akihito asked, pushing forward to take her face in his hands. She looked at him, and gulped, unsure how he would take the suspicion she was about to drop on him.

“I think he might be Sub Zero's brother.”

She had anticipated that her suspicion would be met with a level on unease.

She hadn't anticipated the sheer panic it caused.

An emergency meeting had been called, and she was unfortunately front and centre. Thankfully, other than herself it was just her father, Kaito, Chie, Noboru, Hanzo, Junpei and Katashi. Even so, everyone was looking at her extremely expectantly, and she wasn't sure what to say.

“Harumi, would you care to explain why you have come to the conclusion you have?” Akihito slowly questioned. “Did he tell you he was related to Sub Zero?”

“No,” she explained, realising just how little evidence she had. It was more just a passing and nagging thought that snowballed. “All he told me for definite was that his name is Tundra, he's 18, and he doesn't think the Lin Kuei will come or negotiate for him.”

“Then, why do you think he's related to Sub Zero?” Chie asked, she sounded unsure, likely hoping that it was just a crazy theory.

“Well, it was a couple of things.” She reached to brush a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “He has blue eyes, like really blue eyes, like unnaturally blue eyes." She heard Junpei snort as if that meant nothing. “Then there's the name. Tundra. Kind of winter related.” She saw Katashi rolling his eyes. “And then he mentioned having a brother. And I thought that was weird cause the Lin Kuei don't normally keep families together, right?”

The room was silent. Junpei and Katashi still looked disbelieving, and so did Hanzo to a degree. The masters in the room however, looked far more troubled by this.

“I didn't ask, because I didn't want to scare him further.” She linked her fingers together and made eye contact with her father. “It just seemed strange, and that was the only explanation I could think of.”

It was still silent. Akihito slowly turned to Junpei and Katashi, and quietly ordered “please can you bring him here.”

Junpei and Katashi suddenly looked a lot more serious, and they scrambled to go and leave the room. Hanzo turned back to them, now looking like he was also no longer as skeptical.

“You really think he could be related?” Hanzo asked, eyes darting around but mostly landing on his own father.

“Lin Kuei don't care for family,” Kaito explained, “They only have two constant bloodlines, and I highly doubt that the Lin Kuei are sending someone from the Grandmaster's bloodline on a solo mission like this at 18.”

It didn't take too long for Junpei and Katashi to return, Tundra in tow. He was still cuffed and chained up, but he wasn't resisting. It looked more like he was resigned to whatever fate they had chosen for him.

“Tundra, is it? We have not been properly introduced,” Akihito stated as he stood up from his chair. God, with Tundra standing she could see how short he was, especially compared to her father. He practically towered above him. “I am Grandmaster Hisakawa Akihito.”

“I know,” Tundra replied, sounding like he wanted to be brave and disrespect the man in front of him, but the shake in his voice giving him away.

Akihito gestured for Tundra to be brought to the table, pointing to a seat right next to his as head of the table, and opposite Harumi. She had no doubt that this was on purpose. Tundra sat down, glancing across the table to Harumi. She expected him to look pissed off with her, but instead his look was slightly pleading, like he was hoping she would protect him from something.

What does he think we're going to do with him?

“I will skip to the point of this meeting,” Akihito started, holding his hands in front of him on the table with his fingers linked, “you spoke with my daughter earlier.” Tundra's eyes widened, as he gave Harumi a betrayed look. Oh shit, I didn't mention that to him. “And you mentioned having a brother.” Tundra looked back to Akihito, looking like he was trying to remain impartial. “Is your brother Sub Zero?”

Tundra was silent, just shifted like he was uncomfortable.

“Why does that matter?” He muttered, trying to look anywhere but Akihito. In Harumi's mind, this was a resounding “yes” to the question. It seemed her father wanted a more solid answer though.

“Please, just tell us.”

Tundra was silent before he brought a hand to the table. He held it there for a second, a blue glow escaping his finger tips. When he was done, he moved his hand, revealing a tiny bear made of ice on the table. Harumi's jaw dropped.

“Does that answer your question?” Tundra questioned, looking around at the other people in the room, equally as slack jawed as Harumi was. Especially Hanzo. She knew he had a sort of rivalry with Sub Zero, so no doubt having his little brother so close wasn't something he'd expected.

“It does,” Akihito breathed out, gingerly picking up the bear. He looked at it with a small smile on his face, like he was looking at something cute. To be fair, the fact Tundra had chosen to make a mini ice sculpture to prove the point was adorable. Akihito's face dropped, as he looked over to Tundra again. “You could have escaped or attempted to at any point.”

“I could,” Tundra admitted quietly, “but there was no point.” He looked down at his hands and the cuffs. “Even if I escaped and got back to the Lin Kuei, I would be executed for being caught. I've seen it happen before. I'm dead whatever I do, might as well accept that.”

The way Tundra spoke, like his death was inevitable no matter how this went down, was alarming. It was a very depressing way for an 18 year old to be thinking. Someone who should be enjoying the newfound freedoms of adulthood, not fearing his own execution.

“We aren't going to kill you,” Akihito tried to assure him, but it was clear Tundra did not believe that. “What about your brother? Sub Zero is a prestigious lineage, surely he could have some sway with your elders.”

Tundra shook his head. “They will just tell him I died by your hands, and he will believe them.”

To Harumi's surprise, Akihito gestured to Junpei to unlock Tundra's cuffs. After being freed, Tundra just looked at the Grandmaster expectantly. Nothing happened, and Harumi wasn't sure what was supposed to be occurring right now.

“You are still not attempting escape.”

“I've told you, there's no point.” Tundra rubbed his wrists. “And I don't know enough for you to bother keeping me alive, so can we just skip this and get to the part where you kill me.”

“You are very insistent on us killing you.” Harumi knew her father, and knew from the way he was speaking he was extremely uncomfortable. He was likely imagining her at 18 years old and in Tundra's place. A quick glance towards Kaito and she could tell he was imagining the same but with Hanzo. “You are 18 years old, you are just barely an adult, we are not going to harm you.”

Harumi just rolled her eyes and lent in slightly as she said “told you.”

Despite the situation, she saw Tundra's mouth quirk slightly. She tried to ignore the strange look her father was giving her.

“If not that, then, what are you going to do with me?” Tundra asked before Akihito could question his daughter.

“Well, seeing as you seem reluctant to leave, we can place you with a guard for the time being until we decide how to further deal with you,” Akihito stated. “I do not feel right just letting you rot inside that jail.” And then Akihito's head turned to Hanzo, who jumped at the sudden attention towards him. “Hasashi Hanzo, I request that you be Tundra's guardian for the time being.”

“I- me?” Hanzo, for the first time since Harumi had known him, seemed completely speechless.

“Yes, I believe this will be a good way for you to prove yourself to us.” Akihito had a smirk on his face, he knew that was a surefire way to get Hanzo to agree. Hanzo was always eager to show himself to be a valuable member of the clan. “Not to mention, it seems your wife-to-be has taken quite a shine to your new ward, I'm sure she would very much appreciate if you did.”

Harumi gave Hanzo her best puppy dog eyes to plead with him. If they looked after Tundra it meant that he would live with them. Meaning she could maybe start to try and unravel whatever the hell the Lin Kuei had done to him. At the least, she might be able to start feeding him properly and get him to a healthier weight.

Hanzo grimaced, but finally relented with, “it would be my honour, Grandmaster.”

For all Hanzo's cocky assurance that he was an unpredictable renegade, he was so very very very predictable.

Akihito turned back to Tundra, “do you have any objections to this?”

“No?” Tundra didn't look like he meant that to be a question, but at the same time he seemed completely blindsided by this development.

“Then it is settled.” Akihito brushed his hands as if to indicate that the decision was final.

Harumi went to stand, walking over to the opposite side of the table and holding her hand to Tundra. He hesitated but eventually took it and let her pull him to his feet. She desperately ignored the warning sirens in her head telling her that he was way too light. Hanzo was standing by the door waiting for them. As she approached she gave him a look to tell him they'd talk later, and he nodded in understanding. Tundra looked a little uncomfortable with Hanzo, but Harumi hoped that once he wasn't in his armour, that would change.

She hoped.

“So this is what my life has become,” Hanzo sighed over dramatically. “Babysitter to a stray Lin Kuei.”

Harumi looked up from where she was chopping a spring onion. Upon returning home, she had guided Tundra to the bathroom so he could have a wash and change into some clean clothes. It was some of Hanzo's off duty wear, so she was sure they'd be a bit too big for him, but it was the thought that counted. Still with Kuai in the bath, it gave Harumi time to talk to Hanzo about what they were going to do.

“I know it's probably not how you expected today to go,” she tried, as the scraped the spring onion into her pot, “but it is a good way to show the elder's your dedication to your responsibilities.”

“I hate that's such an effective tool against me,” he muttered, reaching to his hair tie and letting his hair go free. “I'm just going to have to try and look past the fact he's the younger brother of my biggest rival.”

“Yes, yes you are.” She got out the chicken and started to dice it. “But he's not really that much younger than us, I'm sure he'd rather live with us treating him like an equal than with one of the elders treating him like a child.” She smirked and looked over her shoulder at him, “besides he seems far more mature than you were at 18.”

“Excuse you, I was a very mature 18 year old, thank you very much.” Hanzo crossed his arms and looked like a stroppy child.

“Oh really? Mr. Climbs-up-on-the-roof-and-jumps-off-it-because-he-thinks-he-can-survive-it-and-ends-up-breaking-his-leg.”

Hanzo just offered her a sheepish smile at the memory and said “to be fair, I did survive.”

“You are unbelievable,” she muttered, rubbing some salt and pepper over her diced chicken. “I don't know why I ever agreed to marry you.”

She felt arms snake around her waist as Hanzo purred into her ear, “and yet you did.”

She rolled her eyes and turned her head, just enough to be able to give her boyfriend a kiss.

“Oh, ew.”

They both looked over to the doorway to find Tundra stood there, hair still slightly wet and wearing Hanzo's clothes. As Harumi suspected, they were far too big for him, and it was almost funny, like a small child raiding his fathers wardrobe. Almost. If it weren’t a stark reminder of how underweight the young man was.

Hanzo separated from her, and they both watched as Tundra cautiously walked into the room.

“Ah good, Tundra, I'm making chicken ramen for dinner, is that okay with you?”

There was no reply, and she looked back to him. He just looked completely lost.

“I-” he bit his lip and started to rub one of his wrists. “I don't know what that is.”

She hadn't even considered that Tundra was from a completely different culture, and likely didn't eat the same foods she and Hanzo did. This was a good way to start finding a way to bond and gain his trust.

“Ramen is a noodle soup,” she replied and Tundra nodded in understanding. “I'm sorry, I hadn't considered that you might not be familiar with Japanese foods. Are there any Chinese dishes you like? I can try making them, if you'd like.”

Tundra somehow looked even more uncomfortable. “I- Um. I'm not familiar with food. The Lin Kuei's diet is just plain rice with a meat or fish.” Harumi gripped her knife tighter. Rice and a bit of meat was not a healthy diet, at all. “A-also, food is a privilege, so I do not feel right asking you for something unless I've earned it.”

Oh boy. Any reaction she could have possibly had to those words was trumped by the look of sheer abject horror on Hanzo's face.

“What do you mean, food is a privilege?” He demanded, his voice barely holding back his rage. She was surprised he'd had such an extreme reaction, but put down the chicken and went to wash her hands so she could potentially hold her husband back.

“I- Well-” Tundra looked terrified, looking like he was preparing to shield himself from a physical attack. “I- If we fail a training exercise, food privilege's are taken from us and we're not allowed to eat.” Kuai looked down and away. “I failed a lot.”

That explained why he was so thin, they were literally starving him. She managed to reach Hanzo, putting a hand on his shoulder and mouthing at him “calm down”. He looked at her for a second, then back to Tundra, his eyes widening when he realised the young man was scared of his anger. He took a deep breath.

“Well, that isn't how things work around here,” Hanzo said, somewhat calmer, but his rage still lingering in the tone of his voice. “Food isn't a privilege here, it's a right. You are allowed to eat whenever you want. There are set meals we have, but they will never be taken from you. Do you understand?”

“Yes sir,” Tundra muttered, sounding completely miserable.

“It's okay that you don't know what you like yet, we can try out different things and see what sticks,” Harumi offered, desperate to try and deescalate the situation. “For example, did you like the soup from earlier?”

“Y-yes I did,” Tundra nodded. Harumi wasn't sure if he was just being nice, and didn't want to push his luck with them. Still, she was sure after he got used to things he'd feel safer being honest with them.

“Well, that's a good start,” she claimed. Now that she thought about it, it did explain the strange expression on his face when he first ate it. He likely wasn't used to food that actually had taste.

“So, um, is- is there anything I can do to help right now?” Tundra asked, looking at Hanzo with a worried expression. It seemed Hanzo's outburst had really spooked him. Harumi would have to try and remember to find a solution to that problem.

“No, not really. Why don't you go have a look around the house and get used to where everything is?” She suggested, watching as Tundra nodded and started to walk off.

When he was out of the room, she turned to Hanzo who looked at her quietly before saying “I think I understand why you were so worried for him now.”

Harumi sighed. This was going to be a challenge.

#mortal kombat #subscorprumi #subscorpharumi #kuai liang #sub zero #hanzo hasashi #scorpion #harumi hasashi #🩷mortal kombat oneshots

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todomitoukei · 3 years

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Japanese vs. English Dabi - A 292 Comparison

As other people have already pointed it, the official translation is sometimes a little biased to the point of adding things into the text that aren’t in the original Japanese version or changing phrases to the point where the villains come off colder than they actually are.

The current chapters are highly important to Dabi’s and Shouto’s characters and so the official translation, unfortunately, can lead to people getting the wrong image of Dabi. This is not to say that Dabi is actually a super friendly guy - however, I don’t think you can get a full picture of all the layers to his character without taking the original text in mind.

Since there are a few panels I’m going to talk about from this chapter - comparing the Japanese version with the official translation and also dissecting and explaining the original Japanese phrases - I’m going to put the rest of this post under the cut because it’s a bit lengthy otherwise.

Let’s start with these panels. Though these aren’t mistranslated per se, just like with the “dance with your son in hell” line from the previous chapter, the furigana next to the kanji have a different meaning here. As discussed before, whenever this is the case, the furigana are what the character says, and the kanji represent what the character actually means.

The line in the second panel is: 「轟家の過去が消えるわけじゃねえだろ。」

轟家「とどろきいえ ; todoroki ie 」-> the Todoroki household

の　「 no 」-> particle to indicate possession, works like an apostrophe

過去「かこ ; kako 」 -> the past; a past (i.e. a personal history one would prefer remained secret); one’s past

が「 ga 」 -> particle to mark the subject of the sentence

消える「きえる ; kieru 」 -> to vanish; to disappear

わけじゃねえ「 wakejanee 」 -> It doesn’t mean that

だろ「 daro 」 -> right ? (used to ask the person you’re talking to for confirmation)

The two words that have a different furigana reading than they should have, are Todoroki household and past. According to the furigana, Dabi says:

「うち」-> house; one’s own home

「じじつ」-> truth; reality

So going by the kanji reading you get:

“This doesn’t mean that the past of the Todoroki household just disappears, right?”

Whereas what he actually says is:

“This doesn’t mean the truth of our home just disappears, right?”

In comparison to the “dance with your son in hell” line, these two versions don’t differ as much from another. Caleb actually addresses this in his twitter threat and sort of mixed the two versions into one: “This doesn’t change the hard truths about my family’s past!”

Personally, considering he is directly talking to Shouto here, I find the choice of translating the Todoroki household/home part into “my family” a bit weird. Since he seeks Shouto’s confirmation here, it would make more sense to translate it as “our family” in my opinion. The “my” makes it feel a lot more self-centered, even though there is no indication for him to only be referring to himself here.

Switching the word to vanish with “change” also slightly changes the meaning here. Though both are accurate, I feel like their past disappearing holds more weight. The line is, after all, referring to the fact that Best Jeanist has appeared, despite Dabi earlier announcing that the hero had been killed. So even though Dabi was wrong about that part, it doesn’t make his other facts go away. It’s not just about changing his words, but making it like they were never spoken in the first place. It’s a small difference, but a difference nonetheless.

Finally, the “hard truths” part instead of reality/past. It’s interesting to think about why Dabi says “truth” when he means “past”. But I think one way to look at it is that to Dabi, he has accepted the past. He has lived with it and carried it with him in silence for so long, but was always aware of it. Despite him not having told anyone else about it, he didn’t deny that past to himself. He shows his scars and he fights back. That is who Dabi is as the person that rose from Touya’s ashes. Meanwhile, he says “truth” while talking to Shouto. While we, the readers, and those around Shouto know of his hatred towards Endeavor, Dabi doesn’t know about this. To him, Shouto really is just Endeavor’s little doll. And so in Dabi’s eyes, Shouto has yet to see the truth. To acknowledge their past and the pain they all went through. And though Dabi might not be completely right about Shouto, he isn’t entirely wrong, either. Because even when Shouto hates Endeavor, even when he says he is just going to use him for his own gain, at the end of the day, regardless of his reasons, his actions are still what Endeavor wants him to do - to train hard and want to become the Number One Hero.

I included one the alternative meanings “a personal past one might prefer remained secret” because it also fits well with that interpretation. That the true meaning behind him saying “truth” is not just the mere past, but the part of the past they don’t want to share. Whether that’s because it’s an ugly one that could haunt them for the rest of their lives, or because it’s just difficult to talk about. Either way, it’s more than just memories from when their family was still young. In that, I think “hard truth” is actually a fitting translation, even when it doesn’t have the exact same nuance as the Japanese version.

While Shouto and Dabi are in many ways similar to another, they have slightly different goals: While Dabi wants to kill Endeavor, Shouto wants to save his mom. To both of them that is liberty, just with a different approach.

And the ending of the sentence, where he seeks confirmation from Shouto, sort of indicates just that. He wants Shouto to admit it. Pushing him into a corner and asking a question that only has one right answer. This is also similar to a few chapters ago when Toga confronted Uraraka with the question “Was Jin not a person?” It’s asking something with an obvious answer, yet the people being asked seem to not yet be able to give the right answer, even when they might already know it.

Next of, Shouto confronts Dabi about the villain he sent to their house, who could have killed Natsuo. As you can see in the panel above, the English translation has Dabi say: “Almost killed? What a shame. That would’ve really hurt Endeavor.”

Meanwhile, the Japanese version says: 「それならそれで。エンデヴァーが苦しむ。」

「それならそれで ; sorenara sorede 」 -> even so (expression frustration); still

「エンデヴァー ; Endebā 」 -> Endeavor

「が ; ga 」 -> particle to mark the subject of the sentence

「苦しむ ; kurushimu 」 -> to suffer

As you can see, “Almost killed? What a shame” is kind of very far off from the actual meaning. While the official translation makes it almost sound like Dabi is disappointed and wants Natsuo to be killed, the fan translation has him say: “Then that would mean Endeavor would suffer.” This is a lot closer to the Japanese version and focuses on the more important part: the goal is for Endeavor to suffer. Dabi’s intention isn’t to get anyone else in the family hurt/killed in the process, however, he does have this tunnel vision where everything is about Endeavor and doing whatever to hurt him.

“What a shame” sounds like he is upset Natsuo didn’t actually die. While, as stated above, the first part can show frustration, that frustration more likely refers to the disappointment that Endeavor doesn’t suffer as much as he could.

While both versions translate the second part as Endeavor “would” suffer/be hurt by this, the Japanese uses the present tense for suffering. In a way, Dabi is saying “Well, though he could’ve been more hurt, he suffers.” Maybe he hasn’t been as damaged as could be, but it doesn’t matter, because the fact remains that he does suffer from this, present tense. So Dabi doesn’t recognize this as a loss or “a shame” that Natsuo didn’t die. Instead, he recognizes that Endeavor suffers, even when he isn’t met with the worst-case scenario.

In response to the last panel, Shouto asks whether Dabi is insane (please don’t ask people that) and Dabi’s response in the original translation is “Sure am, Shouto. See, your brother’s not so big on “feelings” anymore.”

A couple of thoughts on this. First, this is a downgrade in comparison to the fan translation of “You got it, Shouto! Your big brother has completely lost any feeling for anything!”

Something the phrasing coupled with Dabi’s wide eyes and big smile make me laugh and this panel now lives rent free in my head.

Anyway, the Japanese line goes: 「そうだよ焦凍兄ちゃん何も感じなくなっちまった。」

「そうだよ ; soudayo 」 -> that is right

「焦凍 ; Shouto 」 -> Shouto

「兄ちゃん ; Nii-Chan 」 -> big bro (in a very endearing way, but can also be used to be demeaning)

「何も ; nanimo 」 -> nothing

「感じ ; kanji 」 -> feeling

「なく ; naku 」 -> adverbial form of nai; attaches to a verb to mean “without”

「なっちまった ; nacchimatta 」 -> to have become (unintentionally; regretfully)

The fan translation, in my opinion, is far more accurate, but there is still something missing.

First of all, I don’t know why the official translation put feelings in quotes as if Dabi didn’t actually say it? mean it? It just feels like an odd choice that I can’t find a good enough justification for.

Second of all, “not so big on ‘feelings’ anymore” and “has completely lost any feeling for anything” is a big difference, and would make sense if the fan translation was inaccurate. But it isn’t. The official translation makes it sound like Dabi more or less chose not to feel anymore or pay attention to his feelings. He could, but he doesn’t want to. You could argue that both sentences still carry the same meaning: Dabi doesn’t feel anymore. "To be big on something” usually refers to having a strong interest in something and prioritizing said interest, which implies that one chooses to prioritize it. While I’m not arguing that some people do choose to ignore their feelings instead of confronting them, in this case, it’s actually the opposite of what he says.

Looking at the actual Japanese sentence, it begins with Dabi confirming Shouto’s words. Yes, I am crazy. There is no denying, nor shame in this. There is almost a bit of pride in that - so little bro actually recognizes that I have gone crazy from this.

Nii-Chan is an interesting choice of words here. The Japanese language is very much based on hierarchy. There are different levels of formality (shown through words, expressions, and verb forms) depending on whom you are speaking to. To summarize: When you are talking to someone who is of higher status (based on job position, age, experience). This also applies to siblings. Since those of higher status can be more direct/less formal with those of lower status, older siblings can address their younger siblings by their given name alone.

Meanwhile, the younger siblings would use some kind of honorific/suffix. In this case, the “Nii” means older brother. “San” is the standard suffix you would use to address your older siblings (and other people in general). “Chan” is a suffix that you usually use for kids/girls, - where it has a cute, endearing connotation - wherefore it becomes kind of rude when used for older people (as in people who aren’t children anymore). But it can also show endearment - a close bond between the siblings.

So why does Dabi call himself “Nii-Chan”? While you can interpret this as a sarcastic remark to mock their non-existent relationship, I think here Dabi uses it here to humanize himself to Shouto. Kind of like an “I know you see me as a villain right now, but I also am your bro, remember?” He isn’t just this “evil criminal” - rather cute lil Touya is still inside of him. Dabi isn’t just Dabi. He still is Touya, too. So if you fight Dabi and if you call Dabi insane, you also do those things to Touya. Dabi might be the stage of “having completely lost it” but that doesn’t just suddenly happen. It’s a process. While we can say Dabi became Touya on the day Touya “died” yet it’s important to recognize that there was a gradual transition where both Touya and Dabi existed.

Now that we have that part aside, let’s focus on the actual point of that phrase. The part about his feelings.

何も感じなくなっちまった。 Nanimo kanjinaku nacchimatta.

“Nanimo” means nothing and comes with negative verbs that it refers to.

As mentioned before, “kanji” means feeling and is paired with the adverbial form of “nai” - “naku” which negates “kanji” to turn it into not feeling. Pair that with “nanimo” and you get a meaning of “feeling nothing”

Now for the actually interesting part of this phrase (apologies that it took so long) - “nacchimatta”. This word consists of two seperate words: “naru” and “chimatta”. “Naru” means to become and is here merged with “chimatta” which is the colloquial past tense version of “teshimau”. The verb “shimau” expresses that an action (the verb it attaches to) has happened either unintentionally or has yielded regrettable results. So in this case, it is unintentional/regrettable that he has become something.

Putting this together, Dabi says that he has turned into someone who doesn’t feel anything anymore and this was not his intention, nor is it a good thing. To be fair, “shimau” can also mean something happens completely, however this meaning is rarer and while we can say that this is the meaning here, it’s more likely and more interesting to consider the more common meaning.

With that in mind, I want to quickly address the panel next to it, where Shouto asks him whether he has gone insane

In Japanese Shouto says:「イカれてんのかてめェ！」

「イカれて ; ikarete 」 -> (*ika is written in katakana here to emphasize the word since you can’t use italics in Japanese) to be beaten; to be crazy

「ん ; n 」 -> ender is used when explaining something; often with emotion*

「の ; no 」 -> explanatory particle; used at the end of a sentence like a question marker, but you want the listener to answer and give you the reasons why

「か ; ka 」 -> ender indicating doubt or uncertainty

「てめェ！; temee! 」 -> you (derogatory) *meme not intended

The reason why these nuances are important to take into account is that when Dabi, in his reply confirms that “Yes, you’re right, unfortunately, I have become unable to feel anything” he is not just confirming the statement, but emphasizing just how tragic this all is.

*[edit because someone pointed this out to me: the ん here is actually more likely to be the casual form of いる (iru) that attaches to the て (te) form of a verb to turn it into the current/ongoing state (= In this case "are you being crazy).]

The official translation simply made Shouto say: “Are you freaking insane?!” which isn’t exactly wrong but misses the nuance of the “nnoka” in the middle of the sentence. While the official translation sounds rather cold and dismissive, the original shows that Shouto cares. There is emotion, and more importantly: there is a desire to hear his reasons. “Why do you think it was okay to put Natsuo in danger?” By the way, the “n” ender that shows emotion when explaining something is also used by Shouto earlier when he says “Remember him? The brother you cried to every day?!” - It’s no surprise that he is emotional right now, still, it’s important to note that he isn’t just showing his emotions through his tone or his expression, but also through his words in order to make it as clear as possible to Dabi how much Dabi’s actions affect the rest of them and hopefully be able to get through to it.

It’s an emotional and tragic conversation that takes place between them, yet the official translation turned it into a much colder, less-caring one.

I know this was a lengthy post with a lot of information, so congrats and thank you if you’ve made it this far. The reason why I decided to make this post was that initially, the “Nii-Chan can’t feel anything anymore” part stuck with me so much and even more so when I dissected it.

Again, other people have pointed out that the official translation is very biased at times, which is not just sad for those of us who care about the villains, but it’s also just not professional. A lot of the panels I talked about in this post aren’t inherently incorrect, they are simply missing nuances that the English language doesn’t provide. Still, I wished that a professional translator would figure out a way to at least slightly incorporate these anyhow (which btw is literally part of the job). Aside from those, it’s just frustrating when the emotions get almost entirely removed from phrases. I get it - Dabi is apathetic, as he says himself. And yet, Dabi is also constantly shown to put extreme care into which words he chooses; this chapter being no exception. So why does such an important conversation between two brothers get changed in ways that make people who don’t bother checking other translations/the Japanese version unable to get the right image of them?

I understand that it’s important to support the official translation and I do. But it’s also very much important to read other versions, too. While the fan translation might have errors and mistranslations in it here and there, it tends to be a bit more literal and thus includes the nuances more than the official translation does. So please don’t just read the official translation and treat it like the only valid one, when it also comes with its flaws and just isn’t a good sole source for when you want to understand the characters.

#dabi #meta #bnha #boku no hero academia #shouto #todoroki #292 #my hero academia #mha #mine #bnha 292 #lov #also this took a while pls show this some love sgnskgns #translation

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haikyuu-appreciation-club · 3 years

Note

Hi, I have been reading your posts lately and I fell in love with the way you write! I wanted to request if you could do suna, atsumu and terushima when their s/o feels insecure about their body. Thanks and keep on writing these beautiful pieces of work!!☺️✨

ahhhh oh my goodness that's so sweet, thank you my love!!

I decided to do these for my medium sized girls because that’s my body type and I think it’ll definitely be easier for me to write about due to my own insecurities

also everything I talked about has been something I've personally experienced so I promise I’m not trying to romanticize anything. Being insecure comes in different way and I wanted to represent that so please read the warnings before proceeding

ALSO A REMINDER: ALL BODIES ARE BEAUTIFUL

anywhooo I hope you enjoy my love

• Terushima, Atsumu, and Suna Comforting an S/O Who is Insecure About Their Body (Medium Sized Girls) •

warnings: (TW) mentions of body insecurities (all), diets/borderline eating disorders (suna), body dysmorphia (terushima), panic attacks (atsumu; I don’t know if you can consider it a full blown panic attack but just including it as a warning just in case)

genre: comfort

characters: terushima, atsumu, suna

• Terushima •

you stood in front of your mirrior, poking and prodding at every imperfection that you found on your body

every single flaw became amplified in your mind the longer you watched your figure contort in the rectangle

you felt disgusted in your own skin and you just wanted all your insecurities to magically disappear

but you knew it wasn’t so easy

as tears began pooling at the rim of your eyes, you felt strong arms wrap around your waist

peering back towards the mirror, you were met with terushima’s reflection smiling right back at you

his pierced tongue darted out at you in a playful manner as soon as his he saw you stare back at him

but as soon as he noticed the tears streaming down your face his expression dropped

he placed a soft kiss on your cheek before resting his chin on your shoulder,

“What’s the matter, prince/ss?”

you tried to steady your breathing and the hot streaks continues to stain your face,

“I’ve just feel s-so insecure lately and I don’t know what to do. I can’t stand looking at myself without seeing every single detail I h-hate. I don’t even understand how you’re attracted to me anym-more”

you turned around and hugged your boyfriend, not wanting him to see you in the state you were in

hearing your words broke terushima’s heart

he was frustrated that your brain caused you to think this way about yourself

when he looked at you, no matter how hard he tried to see, there was no imperfection in sight

and he so desperately wished you could see yourself the way he saw you

as your sobs died down he pulled away from your embrace and began peppering your face with soft kisses, causing you to let out a laugh

he continued trailing kisses over your body, stopping at every area to tell you what he loved about it

your body was covered with kisses and praise from head to toe and once he was finished he cupped your cheek and pulled you into a kiss

a kiss filled with passion and love

a kiss that only terushima could make you truly feel

“I love you Y/N, all of you. And you better get used to hearing it because I'll be letting you know until we’re all old and wrinkly.”

You let out a laugh as you looked up at him, grabbing him by his face and pulling him towards you to place a kiss on his forehead,

“I can’t wait Yu.”

• Atsumu •

as soon as atsumu walked into your room he knew something was off

all your lights had been turned off and he felt the clothes strewn across your floor under his feet with each step he took

he thought maybe you had run to the store to grab something before your date

but he knew if that was the case, you would've called him and let him know

soon enough he got his answer when his ears picked up on the soft sobs that came from behind your bathroom door

he softly knocked, not wanting to fully ruin the privacy that you had found in those small quarters,

“Hey, Y/N? Ya in there?”

after a few more moments with no response, he gently twisted the door handle and let himself in

as soon as he flipped on the light switch, his chest ached at the sight before him

you sat on the cold tile of your bathroom floor in only your undergarments as you hugged your knees and sobbed into your arms

you were so lost in your own world of self hatred and insecurities that you still had yet to notice atsumu staring at you with sad eyes

“Y/N?”

your sobs came to a shaky stop, fear and embarrassment coating your body as you recognized the new voice filling the now brightly lit room

“Y/N, what’s the matter?”

you shook your head and scooted away from him, frantically attempting to cover your exposed body before he could catch sight of your imperfections

as he watched your chaotic movements, he began to understand what was happening and it broke his heart

you were so beautiful to him and the fact that you couldn’t see that hurt him more then anything else could

he slowly approached your shaking form, being careful not to freak you out so much that you’d push him away

once he got close enough, he sat down besides you and lightly placed a hand on your knee

although the light flinch you let out at his touch pained him a bit, this was progress

“Don’t worry, it’s just me baby. What’s going on?”

“I-I’m sorry. I know we w-were supposed to go out but n-nothing in my closet..f-fits.”

you began to sob once more as atsumu wrapped an arm around your shoulder, allowing you to bury your face into his shirt

he used his other arm to hold you closer, rubbing soothing circles into your back as your tears flowed

once your cries died down his grip on you didn't falter, instead he placed a kiss to your head and began to speak,

“Listen here Y/N, yer amazing just how you are and i love every inch of you. Clothes are just pieces of fabric, we can go shopping today for some more and go on our date tomorrow. Besides, I’d love to get a fashion show.”

he loosened his grip on you before peering down and giving you a big grin

you chuckled lightly, tears staining your face as you gave him a smile of your own

“There you are, and with that pretty smile too. How lucky am i?”

you wrapped your arms around him once more as you mumbled a soft ‘thank you’ into his chest

he pressed a kiss to the top of your head before resting his chin on it

“No need to thank me Y/N.”

• Suna •

suna had always been extremely attentive, both on and off the court

so it shouldn't have come as a surprise when he began to pick up on your change in eating habits

the way you’d always flip over the packages to check the calorie count or the way your portion sizes had become dangerously small

not wanting to jump to conclusions, he didn't think too much of it at first

figuring you were on your period and had a loss of appetite or something of that sort

but once those actions became an everyday thing, he decided he needed to talk with you about it before it became a serious issue

the next day at lunch, you two sat down with each other and began to chat about how your days had been so far

suna wasn't paying the utmost attention to the conversation at hand though

he was more focused on the small snack you had pulled out of your backpack

and once again he watched you with hurt eyes as you flip over the bag and poured a small amount of it’s contents in your hand before returning it to your bag,

“Is that all you’re gonna eat?”

you peered up at him with anxious eyes as your gaze trailed between him and the food in your palm,

“Um, yes?”

“That’s not enough food for lunch Y/N.”

“It’s fine Rin, i’m just on a diet.”

“That’s not healthy, and besides you don’t need to go on a diet.”

you sighed, peering down at the lunch table as tears threatened to spill from your eyes,

“I need to lose weight babe, i feel gross.”

suna got up from the opposite side of the table were he sat and made his way to your side, sitting back down and wrapping an arm around your shoulder,

“You don’t need to lose weight Y/N, you’re great the way you are. But if you want to lose weight to feel more confident in yourself, there are better ways to do it. I can help you if you feel like this is something you wanna do for yourself.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. But just know i love you no matter what you look like, and your body will always be perfect to me.”

you smiled up at him before connecting your lips with his

you could feel the heat radiating off his cheeks at the sudden display of public affection but just this once he endulged in your antics and pulled you closer, deepening the kiss to show you just how much he loved you

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

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iamshwee · 3 years

Text

SHADOW WORK: The Ultimate Guide

I. Why Focusing Only on the Light is a Form of Escapism

For most of my life, I’ve grown up firmly believing that the only thing worthy of guiding me was “light” and “love.” Whether through the family environment I was raised in, or the cultural myths I was brought up clinging to, I once believed that all you really needed to do in life to be happy was to focus on everything beautiful, positive and spiritually “righteous.” I’m sure you were raised believing a similar story as well. It’s a sort of “Recipe for Well-Being.”

But a few years ago, after battling ongoing mental health issues, I realized something shocking:

I was wrong.

Not just wrong, but completely and utterly off the mark. Focusing only on “love and light” will not heal your wounds on a deep level. In fact, I’ve learned through a lot of heavy inner work, that not only is focusing solely on “holiness” in life one side of the equation, but it is actually a form of spiritually bypassing your deeper, darker problems that, let me assure you, almost definitely exist.

It is very easy and comfortable to focus only on the light side of life. So many people in today’s world follow this path. And while it might provide some temporary emotional support, it doesn’t reach to the depths of your being: it doesn’t transform you at a core level. Instead, it leaves you superficially hanging onto warm and fuzzy platitudes which sound nice, but don’t enact any real change.

What DOES touch the very depths of your being, however, is exploring your Shadow.

II. What is the Human Shadow?

In short, the human shadow is our dark side; our lost and forgotten disowned self.

Your shadow is the place within you that contains all of your secrets, repressed feelings, primitive impulses, and parts deemed “unacceptable,” shameful, “sinful” or even “evil.”

This dark place lurking within your unconscious mind also contains suppressed and rejected emotions such as rage, jealousy, hatred, greed, deceitfulness, and selfishness.

So where did the Shadow Self idea originate? The concept was originally coined and explored by Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, Carl Jung. In Jung’s own words:

“Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.”

When the human Shadow is shunned, it tends to undermine and sabotage our lives. Addictions, low self-esteem, mental illness, chronic illnesses, and various neuroses are all attributed to the Shadow Self. When our Shadows are suppressed or repressed in the unconscious long enough, they can even overtake our entire lives and causes psychosis or extreme forms of behavior like cheating on one’s partner or physically harming others. Intoxicants such as alcohol and drugs also have a tendency to unleash the Shadow.

Thankfully, there is a way to explore the Shadow and prevent it from devouring our existence, and that is called Shadow Work.

III. What is Shadow Work?

Shadow work is the process of exploring your inner darkness or “Shadow Self.” As mentioned previously, your Shadow Self is part of your unconscious mind and contains everything you feel ashamed of thinking and feeling, as well as every impulse, repressed idea, desire, fear, and perversion that for one reason or another, you have “locked away” consciously or unconsciously. Often this is done as a way of keeping yourself tame, likable, and “civilized” in the eyes of others.

Shadow work is the attempt to uncover everything that we have hidden and every part of us that has been disowned and rejected within our Shadow Selves.

Why? Because without revealing to ourselves what we have hidden, we remain burdened with problems such as anger, guilt, shame, disgust, and grief.

All throughout the history of mankind Shadow Work has played a powerful yet mysterious and occult role in helping us discover what is causing us mental illness, physical dis-ease and even insanity resulting in crimes of all kinds.

Traditionally, Shadow Work fell in the realm of the Shamans, or medicine people, as well as the priests and priestesses of the archaic periods of history. These days, Shadow Work falls more commonly in the realms of psychotherapy, with psychologists, psychiatrists, spiritual guides, and therapists.

IV. Do We All Have a Shadow Self?

Yes, we ALL have a Shadow Self.

As uncomfortable as it may sound, there is a dark side within every human being. Why is this the case? The reason why all human beings have a shadow is due to the way we were raised as human beings, often referred to as our ‘conditioning.’

“But I’m a good person! I don’t have a ‘shadow’ side,” you might be thinking. Well, the reality is that yes, you might be a good person. In fact, you might be the most generous, loving, and selfless person in the entire world. You might feed the hungry, save puppies, and donate half of your salary to the poor. But that doesn’t exclude you from having a Shadow.

There are no exceptions here.

The nature of being human is to possess both a light and a dark side, and we need to embrace that.

Sometimes, when people hear that they have a Shadow side (or when it is pointed out), there is a lot of denial. We have been taught to perceive ourselves in a very two-dimensional and limited way. We have been taught that only criminals, murderers, and thieves have a Shadow side.

This black and white thinking is one of the major causes of our suffering.

If the thought of having a Shadow side disturbs you, take a moment to consider whether you have developed an idealized self.

Signs of an idealized self include attitudes such as:

· “I’m not like those people, I’m better.”

· “I have never strayed.”

· “God is proud of me.”

· “Criminals and wrongdoers aren’t human.”

· “Everyone sees how good I am (even so, I have to remind them).”

· “I’m a role model.”

· “I should be validated and applauded for my good deeds.”

· “I don’t have bad thoughts, so why do others?”

Such perceptions about oneself are unrealistic, unhealthy, and largely delusional. The only way to find inner peace, happiness, authentic love, self-fulfillment, and Illumination is to explore our Shadow.

V. How is Our Shadow Side Formed?

Your Shadow side is formed in childhood and is both (a) a product of natural ego development, and (b) a product of conditioning or socialization. Socialization is the process of learning to behave in a way that is acceptable to society.

When we are born, we are are all full of potential, with the ability to survive and develop in a variety of ways. As time goes on, we learn more and more to become a certain type of person. Slowly, due to our circumstances and preferences, we begin to adopt certain character traits and reject others. For example, if we are born into a family that shows little interpersonal warmth, we will develop personality traits that make us self-sufficient and perhaps standoffish or mind-oriented. If we are born into a family that rewards compliance and shuns rebellion, we will learn that being submissive works, and thus adopt that as part of our ego structure.

As authors and Jungian therapists, Steve Price and David Haynes write:

“But, as we develop our ego-personality, we also do something else at the same time. What has happened to all those parts of our original potential that we didn’t develop? They won’t just cease to exist: they will still be there, as potential or as partly developed, then rejected, personality attributes, and they will live on in the unconscious as an alternative to the waking ego. So, by the very act of creating a specifically delineated ego-personality, we have also created its opposite in the unconscious. This is the shadow. Everyone has one.”

As we can see, developing the Shadow Self is a natural part of development.

But you also formed an alter ego due to social conditioning, i.e. your parents, family members, teachers, friends, and society at large all contributed to your Shadow.

How?

Well here’s the thing: polite society operates under certain rules. In other words, certain behaviors and characteristics are approved of, while others are shunned. Take anger for example. Anger is an emotion that is commonly punished while growing up. Throwing tantrums, swearing, and destroying things was frowned upon by our parents and teachers. Therefore, many of us learned that expressing anger was not “OK.” Instead of being taught healthy ways to express our anger, we were punished sometimes physically (with smacks or being grounded), and often emotionally (withdrawal of love and affection).

There are countless behaviors, emotions, and beliefs that are rejected in society, and thus, are rejected by ourselves. In order to fit in, be accepted, approved, and loved, we learned to act a certain way. We adopted a role that would ensure our mental, emotional, and physical survival. But at the same time, wearing a mask has consequences. What happened to all the authentic, wild, socially taboo, or challenging parts of ourselves? They were trapped in the Shadow.

What happens as we grow up?

Through time, we learn to both enjoy, and despise, our socially-approved egos because, on the one hand, they make us feel good and “lovable,” but on the other hand, they feel phony and inhibited.

Therapist Steve Wolf has a perfect analogy that describes this process:

“Each of us is like Dorian Gray. We seek to present a beautiful, innocent face to the world; a kind, courteous demeanor; a youthful, intelligent image. And so, unknowingly but inevitably, we push away those qualities that do not fit the image, that does not enhance our self-esteem and make us stand proud but, instead, bring us shame and make us feel small. We shove into the dark cavern of the unconscious those feelings that make us uneasy — hatred, rage, jealousy, greed, competition, lust, shame — and those behaviors that are deemed wrong by the culture — addiction, laziness, aggression, dependency — thereby creating what could be called shadow content. Like Dorian’s painting, these qualities ultimately take on a life of their own, forming an invisible twin that lives just behind our life, or just beside it …”

But while the Shadow Self may be portrayed as our “evil twin,” it is not entirely full of “bad” stuff. There is actually gold to be found within the Shadow.

VI. What is the Golden Shadow?

Jung once states that “the shadow is ninety percent pure gold.” What this means is that there are many beautiful gifts offered to us by our Shadow side if we take the time to look. For example, so much of our creative potential is submerged within our darkness because we were taught when little to reject it.

Not everything within our Shadow is doom and gloom. In fact, the Shadow contains some of our most powerful gifts and talents, such as our artistic, sexual, competitive, innovative, and even intuitive aptitudes.

The ‘Golden Shadow’ also presents us with the opportunity for tremendous psychological and spiritual growth. By doing Shadow Work, we learn that every single emotion and wound that we possess has a gift to share with us. Even the most obnoxious, “ugly,” or shameful parts of ourselves provide a path back to Oneness. Such is the power of the Shadow – it is both a terrifying journey, but is ultimately a path to Enlightenment or Illumination. Every spiritual path needs Shadow Work to prevent the issues from happening that we’ll explore next.

VII. What Happens When You Reject Your Shadow?

When shadow-work is neglected, the soul feels dry, brittle, like an empty vessel. — S. Wolf

Rejecting, suppressing, denying, or disowning your Shadow, whether consciously or unconsciously, is a dangerous thing. The thing about the Shadow Self is that it seeks to be known. It yearns to be understood, explored, and integrated. It craves to be held in awareness. The longer the Shadow stays buried and locked in its jail cell deep within the unconscious, the more it will find opportunities to make you aware of its existence.

Both religion and modern spirituality tend to focus on the “love and light” aspects of spiritual growth to their own doom.

This over-emphasis on the fluffy, transcendental, and feel-good elements of a spiritual awakening results in shallowness and phobia of whatever is too real, earthy, or dark.

Spiritually bypassing one’s inner darkness results in a whole range of serious issues. Some of the most common and reoccurring Shadow issues that appear in the spiritual/religious community include pedophilia among priests, financial manipulation of followers among gurus, and of course, megalomania, narcissism, and God complexes among spiritual teachers.

Other issues that arise when we reject our Shadow side can include:

· Hypocrisy (believing and supporting one thing, but doing the other)

· Lies and self-deceit (both towards oneself and others)

· Uncontrollable bursts of rage/anger

· Emotional and mental manipulation of others

· Greed and addictions

· Phobias and obsessive compulsions

· Racist, sexist, homophobic, and other offensive behavior

· Intense anxiety

· Chronic psychosomatic illness

· Depression (which can turn into suicidal tendencies)

· Sexual perversion

· Narcissistically inflated ego

· Chaotic relationships with others

· Self-loathing

· Self-absorption

· Self-sabotage

… and many others. This is by no means a comprehensive list (and there are likely many other issues out there). As we’ll learn next, one of the greatest ways we reject our Shadow is through psychological projection.

VIII. The Shadow and Projection (a Dangerous Mix)

One of the biggest forms of Shadow rejection is something called projection.

Projection is a term that refers to seeing things in others that are actually within ourselves.

When we pair projection and the Shadow Self together, we have a dangerous mix. Why? Because as psychotherapist Robert A. Johnson writes:

“We generally seek to punish that which reminds us most uncomfortable about the part of ourselves that we have not come to terms with, and we often ‘see’ these disowned qualities in the world around us.”

There are many different ways we ‘punish’ those who are mirrors of our Shadow qualities. We may criticize, reject, hate, dehumanize, or even in extreme cases, physically or psychologically seek to destroy them (think of countries who go at war with the “enemies”). None of us are innocent in this area. We have ALL projected parts of our rejected self onto others. In fact, Shadow projection is a major cause of relationship dysfunction and break down.

If we are seeking to bring peace, love, and meaning to our lives, we absolutely MUST reclaim these projections. Through Shadow Work, we can explore exactly what we have disowned.

IX. Twelve Benefits of Shadow Work

Firstly, I want to say that I have the highest respect for Shadow Work. It is the single most important path I’ve taken to uncover my core wounds, core beliefs, traumas, and projections. I have also observed how Shadow Work has helped to create profound clarity, understanding, harmony, acceptance, release, and inner peace in the lives of others. It is truly deep work that makes changes on the Soul level targeting the very roots of our issues, not just the superficial symptoms.

There is SO much to be gained from making Shadow Work a part of your life, and daily routine. Here are some of the most commonly experienced benefits:

1. Deeper love and acceptance of yourself

2. Better relationships with others, including your partner and children

3. More confidence to be your authentic self

4. More mental, emotional, and spiritual clarity

5. Increased compassion/understanding for others = who you dislike

6. Enhanced creativity

7. Discovery of hidden gifts and talents

8. Deepened understanding of your passions and ultimate life purpose

9. Improved physical and mental health

10. More courage to face the unknown and truly live life

11. Access to your Soul or Higher Self

12. A feeling of Wholeness

It’s important to remember that there are no quick fixes in Shadow Work, so these life-changing benefits don’t just happen overnight. But with persistence, they will eventually emerge and bless your life.

X. Seven Tips for Approaching Shadow Work

Before you begin Shadow Work, you need to assess whether you’re ready to embark on this journey. Not everyone is prepared for this deep work, and that’s fine. We’re all at different stages. So pay attention to the following questions and try to answer them honestly:

· Have you practiced self-love yet?

o If not, Shadow Work will be too overwhelming for you. I have starred this bullet point because it is essential for you to consider. Shadow Work should not be attempted by those who have poor self-worth or struggle with self-loathing. In other words: if you struggle with severely low self-esteem, please do not attempt Shadow Work. I emphatically warn you against doing it. Why? If you struggle with extremely poor self-worth, exploring your Shadow will likely make you feel ten times worse about yourself. Before you walk this path, you absolutely must establish a strong and healthy self-image. No, you don’t have to think you’re God’s gift to the world, but having average self-worth is important. Try taking this self-esteem test to explore whether you’re ready (but first, don’t forget to finish this article!).

· Are you prepared to make time?

o Shadow Work is not a lukewarm practice. You are either all in or all out. Yes, it is important to take a break from it from time to time. But Shadow Work requires dedication, self-discipline, and persistence. Are you willing to intentionally carve out time each day to dedicate to it? Even just ten minutes a day is a good start.

· Are you looking to be validated or to find the truth?

o As you probably know by now, Shadow Work isn’t about making you feel special. It isn’t like typical spiritual paths that are focused on the feel-good. No, Shadow Work can be brutal and extremely confronting. This is a path for truth seekers, not those who are seeking to be validated.

· Seek to enter a calm and neutral space.

o It is important to try and relax when doing Shadow Work. Stress and judgmental or critical attitudes will inhibit the process. So please try to incorporate a calming meditation or mindfulness technique into whatever you do.

· Understand that you are not your thoughts.

o You need to realize that you are not your thoughts for Shadow Work to be healing and liberating. Only from your calm and quiet Center (also known as your Soul) can you truly be aware of your Shadow aspects. By holding them in awareness, you will see them clearly for what they are, and realize that they ultimately don’t define you; they are simply rising and falling mental phenomena.

· Practice self-compassion.

o It is of paramount importance to incorporate compassion and self-acceptance into your Shadow Work practice. Without showing love and understanding to yourself, it is easy for Shadow Work to backfire and make you feel terrible. So focus on generating self-love and compassion, and you will be able to release any shame and embrace your humanity.

· Record everything you find.

o Keep a written journal or personal diary in which you write down, or draw, your discoveries. Recording your dreams, observations, and analysis will help you to learn and grow more effectively. You’ll also be able to keep track of your process and make important connections.

XI. How to Practice Shadow Work

There are many Shadow Work techniques and exercises out there. In this guide, I will provide a few to help you start off. I’ll also share a few examples from my own life:

1. Pay attention to your emotional reactions

In this practice, you’ll learn that what you give power to has power over you. Let me explain:

One Shadow Work practice I enjoy a great deal is paying attention to everything that shocks, disturbs, and secretly thrills me. Essentially, this practice is about finding out what I’ve given the power to in my life unconsciously, because: what we place importance in – whether good or bad – says a lot about us.

The reality is that what we react to, or what makes us angry and distressed, reveals extremely important information to us about ourselves.

For example, by following where my “demons” have taken me – whether in social media, family circles, workspaces, and public places – I have discovered two important things about myself. The first one is that I’m a control freak; I hate feeling vulnerable, powerless and weak . . . it quite simply scares the living hell out of me. How did I discover this? Through my intense dislike of witnessing rape scenes in movies and TV shows, my negative reaction to novel experiences (e.g. roller coaster rides, public speaking, etc.), as well as my discomfort surrounding sharing information about my life with others in conversations. Also, by following where my “demons” have guided me I’ve discovered that I’m being burdened by an exasperating guilt complex that I developed through my religious upbringing. Apart of me wants to feel unworthy because that is what I’ve developed a habit of feeling since childhood (e.g. “You’re a sinner,” “It’s your fault Jesus was crucified”), and therefore, that is what I secretly feel comfortable with feeling: unworthy. So my mind nit-picks anything I might have done “wrong,” and I’m left with the feeling of being “bad” – which I’m used to, but nevertheless, this is destructive for my well-being.

Thanks to this practice, I have welcomed more compassion, mindfulness, and forgiveness into my life.

Paying attention to your emotional reactions can help you to discover exactly how your core wounds are affecting you on a daily basis.

How to Pay Attention to Your Emotional Reactions

To effectively pay attention to your emotional reactions (I call it “following the trail of your inner demons”), you first need to cultivate:

1. Self-awareness

Without being conscious of what you’re doing, thinking, feeling, and saying, you won’t progress very far.

If, however, you are fairly certain that you’re self-aware (or enough to start the process), you will then need to:

2. Adopt an open mindset

You will need to have the courage and willingness to observe EVERYTHING uncomfortable you place importance in, and ask “why?” What do I mean by the phrase “placing importance in”? By this, I mean that, whatever riles, shocks, infuriates, disturbs and terrifies you, you must pay attention to. Closely.

Likely, you will discover patterns constantly emerging in your life. For example, you might be outraged or embarrassed every time sex appears in a TV show or movie you like (possibly revealing sexual repression or mistaken beliefs about sex that you’ve adopted throughout life). Or you might be terrified of seeing death or dead people (possibly revealing your resistance to the nature of life or childhood trauma). Or you might be disgusted by alternative political, sexual, and spiritual lifestyles (possibly revealing your hidden desire to do the same).

There are so many possibilities out there, and I encourage you to go slowly, take your time, and one by one pick through what you place importance in.

“But I DON’T place importance in gross, bad or disturbing things in life, how could I? I don’t care for them!” you might be asking.

Well, think for a moment. If you didn’t place so much importance on what makes you angry, disgusted or upset . . . why would you be reacting to it so much? The moment you emotionally react to something is the moment you have given that thing power over you. Only that which doesn’t stir up emotions in us is not important to us.

See what you respond to and listen to what your Shadow is trying to teach you.

2. Artistically Express Your Shadow Self

Art is the highest form of self-expression and is also a great way to allow your Shadow to manifest itself. Psychologists often use art therapy as a way to help patients explore their inner selves.

Start by allowing yourself to feel (or drawing on any existing) dark emotions. Choose an art medium that calls to you such as pen and pencil, watercolor, crayon, acrylic paint, scrapbooking, sculpting, etc. and draw what you feel. You don’t need to consider yourself an ‘artist’ to benefit from this activity. You don’t even need to plan what you’ll create. Just let your hands, pen, pencil, or paintbrush do the talking. The more spontaneous, the better. Artistic expression can reveal a lot about your obscure darker half. Psychologist Carl Jung (who conceptualized the Shadow Self idea) was even famous for using mandalas in his therapy sessions.

3. Start a Project

The act of creation can be intensely frustrating and can give birth to some of your darker elements such as impatience, anger, blood-thirsty competitiveness, and self-doubt. At the same time, starting a project also allows you to experience feelings of fulfillment and joy.

If you don’t already have a personal project that you’re undertaking (such as building something, writing a book, composing music, mastering a new skill), find something you would love to start doing. Using self-awareness and self-exploration during the process of creation, you will be able to reap deeper insights into your darkness. Ask yourself constantly, “What am I feeling and why?” Notice the strong emotions that arise during the act of creation, both good and bad. You will likely be surprised by what you find!

For example, as a person who considers myself non-competitive, that assumption has been challenged by the act of writing this blog. Thanks to this project, the Shadow within me of ruthless competitiveness has shown its face, allowing me to understand myself more deeply.

4. Write a Story or Keep a Shadow Journal

Goethe’s story Faust is, in my opinion, one of the best works featuring the meeting of an ego and his Shadow Self. His story details the life of a Professor who becomes so separated and overwhelmed by his Shadow that he comes to the verge of suicide, only to realize that the redemption of the ego is solely possible if the Shadow is redeemed at the same time.

Write a story where you project your Shadow elements onto the characters – this is a great way to learn more about your inner darkness. If stories aren’t your thing, keeping a journal or diary every day can shine a light on the darker elements of your nature. Reading through your dark thoughts and emotions can help you to recover the balance you need in life by accepting both light and dark emotions within you.

5. Explore Your Shadow Archetypes

We have several Shadow varieties, also called Shadow Archetypes. These archetypes are sometimes defined as:

· The Sorcerer/Alchemist

· The Dictator

· The Victim

· The Shadow Witch

· The Addict

· The Idiot

· The Trickster

· The Destroyer

· The Slave

· The Shadow Mother

· The Hag

· The Hermit

However, I have my own Shadow Archetype classification, which I will include below.

13 Shadow Archetypes

Here are my thirteen classifications which are based on my own self-observations and analysis of others:

1. The Egotistical Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: arrogance, egocentricity, pompousness, inconsiderateness, self-indulgence, narcissism, excessive pride.

2. The Neurotic Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: paranoia, obsessiveness, suspiciousness, finicky, demanding, compulsive behavior.

3. The Untrustworthy Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: secretive, impulsive, frivolous, irresponsible, deceitful, unreliable.

4. The Emotionally Unstable Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: moody, melodramatic, weepy, overemotional, impulsive, changeable.

5. The Controlling Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: suspicious, jealous, possessive, bossy, obsessive.

6. The Cynical Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: negative, overcritical, patronizing, resentful, cantankerous.

7. The Wrathful Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: ruthless, vengeful, bitchy, quick-tempered, quarrelsome.

8. The Rigid Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: uptight, intolerant, racist, sexist, ableist, homophobic, obstinate, uncompromising, inflexible, narrow-minded.

9. The Glib Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: superficial, cunning, inconsistent, sly, crafty.

10. The Cold Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: emotionally detached, distant, indifferent, uncaring, unexcited.

11. The Perverted Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: masochistic, lewd, sadistic, vulgar, libidinous.

12. The Cowardly Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: weak-willed, passive, timid, fearful.

13. The Immature Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: puerile, childish, illogical, simpleminded, vacuous.

Keep in mind that the above Shadow Archetypes are by no means exhaustive. I’m sure that there are many others out there which I have missed. But you are free to use this breakdown to help you explore your own Shadows. You’re also welcome to add to this list or create your own Shadow Archetypes, which I highly encourage. For example, you might possess a judgmental and dogmatic Shadow who you call “The Nun,” or a sexually deviant Shadow who you call “The Deviant.” Play around with some words and labels, and see what suits your Shadows the best.

6. Have an Inner Conversation

Also known as “Inner Dialogue,” or as Carl Jung phrased it, “Active Imagination,” having a conversation with your Shadow is an easy way to learn from it.

I understand if you might feel a twinge of skepticism towards this practice right now. After all, we are taught that “only crazy people talk to themselves.” But inner dialogue is regularly used in psychotherapy as a way to help people communicate with the various subpersonalities that they have – and we all possess various faces and sides of our ego.

One easy way to practice inner dialogue is to sit in a quiet place, close your eyes, and tune into the present moment. Then, think of a question you would like to ask your Shadow, and silently speak it within your mind. Wait a few moments and see if you ‘hear’ or ‘see’ an answer. Record anything that arises and reflect on it. It is even possible to carry on a conversation with your Shadow using this method. Just ensure that you have an open mindset. In other words, don’t try to control what is being said, just let it flow naturally. You will likely be surprised by the answers you receive!

Visualization is another helpful way of engaging in inner dialogue. I recommend bringing to mind images of dark forests, caves, holes in the ground, or the ocean as these all represent the unconscious mind. Always ensure that you enter and exit your visualization in the same manner, e.g. if you are walking down a path, make sure you walk back up the path. Or if you open a particular door, make sure you open the same door when returning back to normal consciousness. This practice will help to draw you effortlessly in and out of visualizations.

7. Use the Mirror Technique

As we have learned, projection is a technique of the Shadow that helps us to avoid what we have disowned. However, we don’t only project the deeper and darker aspects of ourselves onto others, we also project our light and positive attributes as well. For example, a person may be attracted to another who displays fierce self-assertiveness, not realizing that this quality is what they long to reunite with inside themselves. Another common example (this time negative) is judgmentalism. How many times have you heard someone say “he/she is so judgmental!” Ironically, the very person saying this doesn’t realize that calling another person ‘judgmental’ is actually pronouncing a judgment against them and revealing their own judgmental nature.

The Mirror Technique is the process of uncovering our projections. To practice this technique, we must adopt a mindful and honest approach towards the world: we need to be prepared to own that which we have disowned! Being radically truthful with ourselves can be difficult, so it does require practice. But essentially, we must adopt the mindset that other people are our mirrors. We must understand that those around us serve as the perfect canvas onto which we project all of our unconscious desires and fears.

Start this practice by examining your thoughts and feelings about those you come in contact with. Pay attention to moments when you’re emotionally triggered and ask yourself “am I projecting anything?” Remember: it is also possible to project our own qualities onto another person who really does possess the qualities. Psychologists sometimes refer to this as “projecting onto reality.” For example, we might project our rage onto another person who is, in fact, a rage-filled person. Or we might project our jealousy onto another who genuinely is jealous.

Ask yourself, “What is mine, what is theirs, and what is both of ours?” Not every triggering situation reveals a projection, but they more than often do. Also, look for things you love and adore about others, and uncover the hidden projections there.

The Mirror Technique will help you to shed a lot of light onto Shadow qualities that you have rejected, suppressed, repressed, or disowned. On a side note, you might also like to read about a similar practice called mirror work which helps you to come face-to-face with your own denied aspects.

XII. Shadow Work Q&A

Here are some commonly asked questions about shadow work:

What is shadow work?

Shadow work is the psychological and spiritual practice of exploring our dark side or the ‘shadowy’ part of our nature. We all possess a place within us that contains our secrets, repressed feelings, shameful memories, impulses, and parts that are deemed “unacceptable” and “ugly.” This is our dark side or shadow self – and it is often symbolized as a monster, devil, or ferocious wild animal.

How to do shadow work?

There are many ways to practice shadow work. Some of the most powerful and effective techniques include journaling, artistically expressing your dark side (also known as art therapy), using a mirror to connect with this part of you (mirror work), guided meditations, exploring your projections, and examining your shadow archetypes.

What is the spiritual shadow?

There is light and darkness within all areas of life, and spirituality is not exempt. The spiritual shadow is what occurs when we fall into the traps of spiritual materialism – a phenomenon where we use spirituality to boost our egos and become arrogant, self-absorbed, and even narcissistic.

XIII. Shadow Self -Test

https://lonerwolf.com/shadow-self-test/

As passionate proponents of Shadow Work, we have created a free Shadow Self test on this website for you to take. Like any test, take it with a grain of salt and use your own analysis to ultimately determine how ‘dominant’ your Shadow is in your life. Please remember that tests online cannot be 100% accurate, so see it as a fun self-discovery tool. And note: those who receive a “small Shadow Self” answer still need to do Shadow Work. No person is exempt. ;)

XIV. Own Your Shadow and You Will Own Your Life

If you are looking for some serious, authentic and long-lived healing in your life, Shadow Work is the perfect way to experience profound inner transformation. Remember that what you internalize is almost always externalized in one form or another.

Own your shadow and you will own your life.

Here are some final inspiring words:

“The secret is out: all of us, no exceptions, have qualities we won’t let anyone see, including ourselves – our Shadow. If we face up to our dark side, our life can be energized. If not, there is the devil to pay. This is one of life’s most urgent projects. — Larry Dossey (Healing Words)”

“If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we are not really living. Growth demands a temporary surrender of security.” — Gail Sheehy

“Who has not at one time or another felt a sourness, wrath, selfishness, envy and pride, which he could not tell what to do with, or how to bear, rising up in him without his consent, casting a blackness over all his thoughts … It is exceeding good and beneficial to us to discover this dark, disordered fire of our soul; because when rightly known and rightly dealt with, it can as well be made the foundation of heaven as it is of hell. — William Law”

“To confront a person with his own shadow is to show him his own light. — Carl Jung”

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chvrliesapcet · 3 years

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ever since olivia rodrigo released her debut album, SOUR, i have been listening to it on repeat (totally not kidding). so, after seeing a girl on tiktok do something like this, but with the avengers, i was inspired to make this post. there you go:

the poets as olivia rodrigo’s songs.

trigger warning: mention of su*c*de and mental health issues.

brutal: all of them. they’re teenagers, insecure sometimes, trying their best, but sadly not living the teenage dream (what is it, that fucking teenage dream, anyway?). “if someone tells me one more time "enjoy your youth, " i’m gonna cry” and they can’t quit what they’re doing, because their parents would most likely be hurt. “and they'd all be so disappointed 'cause who am if, if not exploited?” they once recited the lyrics of this song as a poem, during one of their meetings, and they were all laughing their asses off. life at hell-ton is brutal, what can i say?

traitor: knox, of course. “god i wish that you had thought this through, before i went and fell in love with you” or “guess you didn’t cheat, but you’re still a traitor” just hit different for him. he thinks about chris when he listens to this song, that’s for sure..! we can’t really blame chris for knox falling in love with her though,, sorry buddy.

drivers license: knox, again. poor boy listens to this song while riding his bike, crying his eyes out. “but today i drove through the suburbs, crying 'cause you weren't around” chris isn’t with that blonde girl, she is that blonde girl. knox has never felt this way for no one, and it’s hard for him to imagine that chris is, well, doing okay without him. he thinks and talks about her all the time. “and all my friends are tired of hearing how much i miss you, but i kinda feel sorry for them 'cause they'll never know you the way that i do”

1 step forward, 3 steps back: todd. like many people (including me!) when he listens to this song, he doesn’t necessarily think of a past relationship (mostly because he has never dated anyone before neil). he thinks of his mental health struggles, such as his anxiety, instead. it’s hard, sometimes. he thinks he’s getting better, but then realizes he isn’t.. “got me fucked up in the head, boy. never doubted myself so much. like am i pretty, am i fun boy? i hate that i gave you power over that kinda stuff” need i say more? this song is as soft, but as sad, as he is.

deja vu: keating. this is.. kind of a joke, but only because i didn’t know who to pair this song with. john was an original member of the dead poets society, and knowing that now, other teenage boys are taking turns reading poetry, in the old indian cave, reminds him of his teenage years. “so when you gonna tell her that we did that, too? she thinks it's special, but it's all reused. that was our place, i found it first” olivia’s music isn’t the type of music he normally listens to, but after hearing students (the poets) talk about her album, during his class, he decided he’d give it a try. he likes it. he loves the lyrics, mostly.

good 4 u: CHARLIE. he loves screaming the lyrics to this song. especially the bridge and the last chorus. “LIKE A DAMN SOCIOPATH!” cameron has to beg him to turn the volume down,, he doesn’t listen to him, obviously, and instead turns the volume up. his argument? ‘this song is meant to be played loud!’ to which cameron responds ‘but not that loud! i’m trying to study!’ he thinks looking at his roommate directly in the eye when singing “baby, what the fuck is up with that?” exactly the way olivia does is funny. cameron just rolls his eyes every time, but it’s hard for him to hide the smile taking place on his lips.

enough for you: pitts. although he and stev/phen are both super, super smart, i think meeks is the ‘genius’ of the group. and that, can, sometimes, make pitts feel like he might not be good enough for his boyfriend, whom he loves very much. “and i knew how you took your coffee, and your favorite songs by heart. i read all of your self-help books so you'd think that i was smart” whenever he doubts himself, meeks is the first to reassure him and tell him he’s more than enough, but still.. “'cause all i ever wanted was to be enough for you” he listens to this song with his earphones, always, so no one knows he listens to it on repeat.

happier: meeks. ever since charlie got expelled, he can’t stop listening to this song. these two were pretty close, (“he flatters me, that’s why i help him with latin”) and stev/phen doesn’t like thinking about his friend being in a new school, and spending time with other people. “so find someone great but don't find no one better. i hope you're happy, but don't be happier” he wishes charlie would still be with them, at welton, even if he hated it. “your friends aren't mine, you know, i know. you’ve moved on, found someone new” or “does she mean you forgot about me?” he’s being a bit overdramatic, considering charlie comes to see the poets at least once a week, and still attends the dps meetings.. but anyway.

jealousy, jealousy: cameron, because, yes, he’s smart and everything, but he’s still jealous of other people, and wishes he were different. he thinks he should be like the other guys. “all i see, is what i should be, happier, prettier, jealousy, jealousy” he also thinks that, maybe then, people would like him more </3. he knows no one really hates him, but feels like no one really likes him, either. and in his opinion, it’s because he’s.. him. “I'm so sick of myself, i’d rather be, rather be, anyone, anyone else” just like mr. k, this type of music isn’t what he usually listens to, but he relates to this song so much, he can’t help but listen to it at least once a day.

favorite crime: neil. just like todd, he doesn’t associate this song with a relationship he had in the past. actually, he thinks of his father (and his mom, a bit, too) and all of the things his dad forces him to do, even if it upsets him. “those things i did, just so i could call you mine. the things you did, well, i hope i was your favorite crime” i know we don’t usually talk about the canon ending, but i have to. mr. perry didn’t want his son to pursue his dreams, and planned neil’s life for him, which made him feel so miserable, he sadly committed su*c*de.. but then, his dad wasn’t blamed for it, to preserve his reputation. “and i watched as you fled the scene, doe-eyed as you buried me, one heart broke, four hands bloody” todd knows this was neil’s favorite song. he listens to it once in a while, in their room, alone, and cries.

hope ur ok: all of them. do they know how proud i am they were created? after all they’ve been through, especially their family problems, i’m glad they found each other. “she was tired 'cause she was brought into a world where family was merely blood” and even when life throws bad things at them, they always stay strong, and support each other through everything. they’re very brave. “well, i hope you know how proud i am you were created, with the courage to unlearn all of their hatred” i love them, my beautiful poets <33

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ninbayphua · 3 years

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八三夭《盗墓笔记》官方主题曲《所信非神》 That In Which I Believe In Is Not God - ENG SUBS

So this is the first time I've actually properly translated and subtitled a song 😂 I tried to keep to the original wording as much as I could but there are few places where it's kinda vague or where the wording is just too awkward so I went with meaning or my own interpretation of the lyrics instead. 👀

List of Interpretations

1. 与宿命论个主臣 in a word for word translation would be "debating with Fate who is the master and who is the servant" which basically means they're fighting over superiority.

2. 当自己不死之身 is a really interesting one because 当 has 2 different meanings depending on which intonation is being used and this isn't always clear in songs cuz intonations get kinda murky in singing. Anyways, 'dāng' means to pretend whereas 'dàng' means to pawn. Since I interpreted this song as both from Wu Xie's and Xiao Ge's POV I decided to include both potential interpretation in my subtitling. So it can either mean "pawning my immortality" in Xiao Ge's POV or "pretending I have an immortal body" in Wu Xie's case.

Song Overview (Wu Xie's & Xiao Ge's POV):

Ok I read the song as being from BOTH Wu Xie's and Xiao Ge's POV instead of just one but that's my personal interpretation @thosch3i covered most of Wu Xie's POV and my own interpretation of the lyrics are pretty similar so I'll elaborate from there. This is how the song goes for me:

I give you a look with lost innocence of days past and gone that's tucked away in forgetfulness. (This is without question Wu Xie speaking because of the play on words - Tian Zhen)

Let the sound of raindrops gloss over the unsolved questions, let the sharpest blade be sealed away for safekeeping in this instant when life is at its most peaceful (OK, this could be either Wu Xie or Xiao Ge speaking to the other because both of them have a lot of unsolved questions: Wu Xie still doesn't know what happened to his San Shu and Xiao Ge is still looking for answers to his past. Both Xiao Ge and Wu Xie have been referred to as the sharpest blade of the Nine Gates. In Wu Xie's case, it's when he lost his innocence and became 邪帝 in the Sha Hai era. Xiao Ge was shaped to be a weapon ever since he was a baby stolen from his mother so it goes without saying he is the sharpest blade of the Nine Gates. (There's a saying that Wu Xie ended up becoming like Xiao Ge and Li Cu becoming like Wu Xie during his Tian Zhen era which I think is a pretty accurate reading but a discussion for another time.) Basically, regardless of which of them that's speaking they're telling the other to let go of all the questions tormenting them and sealing away the past and the way they've been conditioned to become a weapon for the Nine Gates and just live peacefully in Rain Village from now on - I'm assuming this is post Sha Hai.

My death, my life, it's not up to the ghosts and gods to intervene (Honestly, this can be either Wu Xie or Xiao Ge depending. Both are very stubborn and don't believe in leaving things up to fate.)

a wait of ten years, I've long since stopped smiling, stopped crying, stopped feeling pain, challenging fate to see who is superior (This could be Xiao Ge but I read it as more Wu Xie because of Qin Hao's line in Sha Hai when Hei Ye said "I still feel a bit of pain from time to time" and Wu Xie just straight up said "I've stopped feeling pain a long time ago".)

Pawning my immortality / Pretending I have an immortal body, to leave for you a gateway of life, this life was not in vain. (This is probably my favourite line of the song because is so freakin beautifully written? The reason there's an either or translation for the line I've explained above so we're just gonna do meta here. OK so in Xiao Ge's POV he went to guard the Bronze Gates in Wu Xie's stead to protect him so he could live a happy life. Essentially he is exchanging his immortality for Wu Xie's life because it was initially Wu Xie's fate to guard the Bronze Gates and he'd probably die in the process. Xiao Ge's immortality for Wu Xie having a life of happiness and innocence is worth it to him. He is using his immortality in exchange for a way for Wu Xie to live by going behind those gates. Remember that line: 用我一生换你十年天真无邪 my life in exchange for ten years of your innocence? That's basically what I think they're referring to. The reversed applies. It's Xiao Ge's responsibility to keep the Wang clan in check. Since Xiao Ge sacrificed himself so Wu Xie could live the life he wanted, Wu Xie decided to do the same for Xiao Ge by getting rid of the Wangs completely so Xiao Ge could be free to live the life he wanted when he exited the gates. Wu Xie wasn't trained like Xiao Ge nor did he have an immortal body like the Zhangs or had their self healing and magical qilin blood but he will pretend that he has all of those and take on the Wangs , wiping them out to give Xiao Ge a way out of being used by the Nine Gates again when he exits the gates, giving him a chance to live the life he wants. Even if he knows he could potentially die doing this, it's still worth it to him. Remember that line after Xiao Ge's: 只愿尽我一世无邪换你百载浅笑无忧 emptying all of my entire life's innocence in exchange for a hundred years of your easy smiles and lack of worries? That's what I think the song is referring to.)

Not even for a day in my entire life have I ever believed in ghosts or gods, but I spent ten years believing in one person. Even if the world is too cold, there is still your lingering warmth in my heart, I'll still rush into the journey, no matter how unfathomable the wasteland or perilous the path, never questioning whether it's fortune or calamity. Honestly, in my entire life, I've never believed in gods, only believed in them. (This can be both Xiao Ge and Wu Xie because the only person Xiao Ge believes in is Wu Xie - and Pang Zi. Vice versa, the only person Wu Xie believes in is Xiao Ge - and Pang Zi. None of them believe in fate or ghosts or gods but they believe in each other and only each other. Wu Xie is Xiao Ge's only connection in the world - thus the lingering warmth in my hear bit - and I'm pretty sure Xiao Ge also holds a special spot in Wu Xie's heart during the Sha Hai era when he becomes a hardened man. We see that flash of Tian Zhen softness when he's talking to Li Cu about Xiao Ge and Pang Zi. He even admits at the time that he has an obsession: to pick up Xiao Ge when he exits the Bronze Gates and take him home. Also, PingXie is constantly rushing head first into danger for one another? Even Pang Zi made a comment on this in Ultimate Note after the sword gifting ceremony that when Xiao Ge lost his memories, Wu Xie accompanies him on his journey and helps him look for his lost memories; when Wu Xie is in danger or gets into trouble in his obsessive search for answers and his San Shu, Xiao Ge comes to his rescue. Even in Reunion, Xiao Ge says he'll follow Wu Xie on his journey to Thunder City in search of answers and his San Shu. Neither of them ever question whether it is fortune or calamity that will befall them on these journeys. They'll go through hell fire and high waters for each other regardless of consequences.)

Exchanging gazes, in it are new sprouts of innocence, all old hatred tossed and tucked away in forgetfulness. (Xiao Ge talking about Wu Xie - post Sha Hai, now that Xiao Ge is back and Wu Xie isn't emo anymore, we see a bit of his Tian Zhen coming back, Xiao Ge can probably see it too. The edges aren't gone but there are now some softness growing back. There are new sprouts of innocence in Wu Xie's eyes again.)

But there are still spirits to drink together, and extra cigarettes enough to share, if there's us and the rest of our lives, then it is the greatest of good dreams. That in which I believe in is not a god. Entrusting my life and soul to you with a smile on the wretched battlefield, even the gods of death themselves must submit under the sword, the world has too many uncertainties, only this is the sole surety. But even the sharpest blade is also mere flesh and blood, I wish to give him affection and to let him rest and recuperate. (This can be either Wu Xie or Xiao Ge referring to their retired life in Rain Village that having just us - the iron triangle - as well as the rest of our lives then it's the best dream come true they could wish for. Also, Wu Xie and Xiao Ge's only belief is in each other but neither sees the other as a god. Wu Xie is unarguably human and Wu Xie sees Xiao Ge as human instead of a weapon or a god so it works both ways. Both Wu Xie and Xiao Ge are considered to be the sharpest blades of the Nine Gates with a tendency to go against fate and death. In Xiao Ge's case even death must bow its head under his sword and abide by his rule whereas in Wu Xie's case he himself is the sword so to speak and that he has defied death so many times as well as planned the death of the Wangs that in a way, death is under his control and has to do this bidding. I think it's also referring to the saying 麒麟一笑，阎王绕道；天真一笑，麒麟开道 when the qilin - a.k.a Xiao Ge - smiles even the lord of the underworld will make a detour to avoid his path; a smile of innocence - when Tian Zhen a.k.a Wu Xie smiles - the qilin clears the way. Not sure if this was in the original books or if it's just a comment made by fans online or by NPSS during interviews but it's pretty legit interpretation in my opinion. PingXie is each other's only constant in a world of uncertainties and they see the other as a human, not a god or weapon/blade to be used for the Nine Gates. I think after Sha Hai when Xiao Ge exits the Bronze Gates both are so wounded and scarred that they want to do is to give the other affection and for them to rest and recuperate from what they've suffered in those 10 years and more.)

Even a lifetime as a god, there can also be a moment, a minute of being an ordinary human. (Wu Xie referring to Xiao Ge that even though he has lived as a god for his entire life, there are still brief moments where he too can be an ordinary human. Xiao Ge is just an ordinary human, just like Wu Xie and Pang Zi.)

Anyways, sorry about the long post but that's about it I think. I'll add on if I ever think about anything in the future. Hope this post was helpful 😂

#盗墓笔记 grave robbers' chronicles #瓶邪 pingxie #张起灵 zhang qi ling #吴邪 wu xie #ninbayphua 墨彦 #song lyrics translation and subtitling #meta

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transsexualhamlet · 3 years

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asmr i psychoanalyze my favorite war criminal, aka calling out norman the essay

basically all of my thoughts on norman on one callout post because i care him (both manga and anime are discussed)

LINK TO RAY PSYCHOANALYSIS: https://chaoticgaymess.tumblr.com/post/646749875570196480/ray-81194-the-long-explanation

this is going to be ungodly long so here’s a keep reading, essay below the cut

((tw for suicidal ideation and self harm, brief discussion of eating disorders))

Disclaimer: no shipping is included here this is just about norman also they’re kids who call each other siblings

Thoughts: So you may be thinking, Rowan, why do you yell about the colorless war criminal so often? Well the answer lies in your honor the court hates to see a girlboss winning. Norman is a girlboss :) Yes norman is a tiny twink who can't lift a milk jug. And he is a girlboss :) Obviously I don't condone, um, eugenics and all, but that's not the point the point is that he satisfies my need for more characters like Levi motherfucking Calder from Unwind because I’m apparently an edgy 13 year old. Also all of his problems are violently things I can fix and I keep him around as a pet project because someone needs to give him a hug and slap him on the face

I diagnose him with things:

-pisces man :pensive:

-is he albino? Not literally. Is his skin so pale he would catch fire if he went outside at noon? Yes.

-autism: Yes I’m aware that calling him autistic makes him, problematic rep by perpetuating the autism unfeeling savant stereotype whatever but have you considered i’m autistic and I’m projecting also he’s L with standards? Anyway traits of AuTism he has: hyper fixation, canonically breaks and fixes things over and over because like ofc he does, doesn’t understand Emotion, hyperaware of body language at the same time as it all somehow flying over his head, low empathy, sensory experiences™, min maxed in certain areas, and I don’t think he’s got social interaction quite right? There’s something off about it

-gifted kid (derogatory) This is self explanatory but basically him being the smartest and the best in a competitive environment caused most of his issues, such as the perfectionism, the need to succeed, the lack of self esteem and ridiculously high expectations on himself, giving himself no breaks or time to relax, the “i must be productive with every second of my day or i will die” deal, the “peaked at 11” thing, the way in which he goes through life like there’s going to be a fucking test on it

-Eldest Daughter™ lmao. Norman’s always had to be mature, he’s always had to be the best, he’s always had to do the things Ray got out of bc he’s a snitch and Emma got out of because Isabella likes her. Norman gets respect from Isabella only if he excels, and her bar for him is astronomical. He doesn’t have the Mommy Issues that Ray has, but it’s because for him Isabella basically just reflected his expectations on himself, whereas with Ray it was more personal.

-low empathy (part of the autism thing): this one needs more explanation, but it’s not a bad thing in and of itself. Cognitive empathy is a thing and he can use it, but he does not instinctively understand other people’s emotions, or even recognize them properly, especially when the person is not like himself. This is obvious in Emma. Man has no fucking clue what’s going on in her head or why she does what she does, but he can predict what she will do in any given situation very well. He could understand the suicide attempt from ray he predicted more because Ray’s an easier equation to solve, and someone who’s more similar to him. I know he gets it because, well, motherfucker’s just as self desctructive as him, just in a more dignified manner.

-he’s got some sort of chronic illness. This is also me projecting and a headcanon but he’s got something going on, even before lambda pumped him full of growth hormones or whatever which they maybe should have Not Done but oh well. (I assume this just didn’t happen in the anime, since he’s still so fucking short) But he's So weak. He passed out when it was too hot. He passed out when it was too cold. He can’t open a pickle jar. His skin is too pale and he’s skinny af. He’s much more prone to sickness and probably has asthma too? But in the case that he did actually have something going on, I don’t think grace field would see the need to treat it, if it didn’t impact the quality of his meat? Isabella’s probably just “you have chronic pain and you get migraines? Great, take some tylenol and do some calculus.” Can’t say that probably helped anything.

personality type: ISTJ

Basically, he’s the most boring personality type to exist, and personally as an enfp i do not respect him. But basically this means he’s a fucking nerd that gets his projects done for school the day they’re assigned, is probably the president of the Anime Student Council™, and could probably get away with premeditated murder (ok actual istjs this is a joke don’t skin me)

The only trait that norman doesn’t have on the istj thing is telling the truth. Yeah, he values the truth, but like, that doesn’t apply to him, clearly. Bitch is a notorious liar.

The only other personality type he has any similarity with is intj, which is the same except it’s more rare and a purple theme instead of a blue theme. Sadly, that’s not him though, because although he can care more about some kinds of philosophy overall this isn’t the case and ray already occupies this personality type tbh.

strengths and weaknesses: This one’s kind of obvious, but he is aside from the crazy insane intelligence good at planning. Extremely good at planning. He can predict any outcome and figure out how to prevent it, using all his resources. For example he’s physically weak and someone could literally just walk up and stab him, but it doesn’t impede his progress on his goals because he’s surrounded himself with strong, mentally inferior people who would die for him in a heartbeat. He never gets stuck in some “everything is shit and i can’t do anything” deal like Emma and Ray do, he always works through it and has confidence in his abilities (in as much as he will solve the problem or die™. Weaknesses other than his twink body include his Low Wisdom score. It’s funny how he’s often associated with an owl, the mans is 14. He thinks he knows what he’s doing. He doesn’t. Plus obviously his fundamental misunderstanding of so much of everything going on around him, the fact that he lies not just to the world but himself, his refusal to take care of himself and his incredible cowardice. His achilles heel is being forced to, actually confront his actions.

what he likes about himself: He does pride himself on his mental abilities, and his judgement, which in his opinion is the only correct opinion and the only correct way. In the past, he likes being seen as a leader, he likes being responsible for other people. He likes his ability to manipulate and lie, because he sees it as an asset, and I honestly think he enjoys being william minerva more than he enjoys being Norman. He prides himself on his unhealthy expectations and the fact that he is able to meet them. Honestly, he does think he’s better than everyone else, mentally, though it’s humbled by his self hatred. Cursed thought: If Norman had self esteem he would be light yagami.

what he doesn’t like about himself/insecurities: Oh god, nearly everything. His appearance, his status, his superiority, his physical inability, his own mess of a mind, also have I mentioned his appearance. He’s obsessed with self control. He wants everything he sees wrong with himself gone. And I understand why having control of everything is necessary and appealing, everything for him has always been rigid and planned out from moment one, he was even more regulated in lambda, and though he desperately wants to Not Be Food, he has no idea what to do with the chains now that he’s broken out of them. So he just wraps them around himself. Regulates to an unhealthy degree when he sleeps, what he eats, when he actually takes even minimal care of his own problems, what he looks like, how much of himself he lets show, the expressions on his face, the literal thoughts inside his own head he will shut down if they are not Correct. It’s literal self harm. Norman, please stop it.

motivations/goals in life/general philosophy: To be honest, I’m not sure he knows what he wants. He sure thinks he does, he could sure give you a memorized answer, but it means nothing. He wants to excel. He wants Emma to be happy. He wants to be perfect and for that to make everything perfect. But he doesn’t realize everything he’s working towards will do pretty much the opposite of that. He’s a crippling perfectionist, and pretty much everything he does is motivated by his fear of failing. He picks the certain path, he doesn’t wait for anyone else, he doesn’t care if it’s not nice. Emma foils that a most of the time because he cares about her, but it can only go so far, especially after he’s had so much time without her to develop a Complex. His philosophy is very contradictory, basically the tokyo ghoul “everything bad that happens to you stems from a lack of ability”. All of his problems are his fault. All the world’s problems are his to fix. If he can’t fix them, it’s his fault, it’s because he wasn’t strong enough, and not being perfect condemns someone forever, including himself.

how he’s perceived by others vs how he actually is: In most people there wouldn’t truly be much of a difference, but with Norman things are different, because, well, most of his personality in grace field is a put on, as well as the tough guy dictator thing he radiates after lambda. How he appears to someone is determined by the context of their meeting- the kids at grace field see him as a nerdy, weakish, pretty boring kid who is really caring and kind. The researchers at lambda see an obedient, beaten down and perfectionistic boy. The lambda kids see him as an infallible leader, ruthless and genius, a good man who knows what’s right. But in truth none of that is him. It’s a fucking chess game to him, putting on different faces, lying and pretending and treating everyone differently. In truth? He’s a fucking coward. He’s scared out of his mind and he’s tired and he can’t take pain, he’s obsessed with reaching some goal he deems is necessary that in the end is going to be his death because he doesn’t want to face the consequences of his actions. He’s taken on the role of someone evil, though deep down he’s not, he feels it’s easier to live that way because it strips him of his conscience.

interpersonal relationships: In general, Norman sees all relationships in a pretty dim light. He sees everyone as black and white, for the most part, and other people make no sense to him intuitively, he has to figure them out like a puzzle. He’s manipulative and not particularly kind, but he follows all societal expectations to a T, overly focused on his appearance and placing the person he’s interacting with into a Category™. So he can be truly kind, to people he feels deserve it, to people who he values and doesn’t see flaws in. He gets incredibly attached to people he loves, protective, though he often doesn’t take their own feelings on the matter into consideration, and he’s ruthless with anyone who he deems a bad person. With people he understands and relates to, though, things can be different. If he sees someone as like himself, he will drop all the social interaction police bullshit and cut to the chase of whatever he wants or needs from them, and he’s not very forgiving in any manner, if he thinks what someone did is actually bad.

Emma: Norman obviously cares a lot about Emma, and honestly views her as better than anyone else. He realizes her moral integrity and all of the things she has and he doesn’t, and admires it. Because of his black and white view, Emma is like an angel to him. She couldn’t do anything wrong if she tried. But he comes to treat her as something to be protected instead of respected, and although he realizes she wouldn’t like what he’s doing, he fundamentally cannot empathize with her and doesn’t try to understand her. Their personalities are very literally opposite. Norman really needs to fucking listen to her. And Emma needs to understand that Norman doesn’t have a single ounce of empathy and you really do need to spell it out for him. Emma can only convince him when she has logical reasons for her actions, which she, doesn’t often have. And Emma gave Norman too much slack, because she didn’t see past the surface, and Ray never wanted to warn her, even though he knew the dude was showing a bunch of red flags, because you know. It was kind of an unspoken deal between them. (on ray’s part)

Ray: His relationship with Ray is a lot more complicated than with Emma. He understands Ray, where he doesn’t understand Emma, and he can see right through anything Ray does. And this makes things really tense between them, because Ray doesn’t, take kindly to being psychoanalyzed. If someone perceives him he will deck them and Norman is just there silently perceiving him at all times when Emma doesn’t see it. They are both constantly in competition with each other, but they care about each other a lot, though it’s kind of in a derogatory way. They both recognize each other as fundamentally fucked up, and silently agree never to bring it up with Emma. They’re nice to each other when she’s around, but all pretenses disappear when she’s gone. Ray is always frustrated with Norman, because Norman’s never been intimidated by him, and though he tries his best not to be vulnerable around him, Norman can always see through it, whereas Ray can’t crack Norman’s fake fucking smile no matter what he does. Norman will always take Emma’s side, and doesn’t see Ray as a good person at all, but he still understands and can excuse him, he takes measures to be… worse than Ray, which is better in his mind, because it’s rational, and ‘not selfish’.

Isabella: She has always had ridiculously high expectations for Norman, and treats him kind of harshly compared to the others. Bitch has heat stroke and Isabella’s first question is a calculus problem instead of like, “are you ok”. She knows he doesn’t complain about anything ever and she doesn’t stop him from being Terrible to himself, because it makes her job easier. They want smart kids, not mentally adjusted kids. She does really care for all of them, but she basically overrides it, she gives them what they want, not what they need, lets them be exactly what they’re making themselves. Isabella is distant with Ray but gives him anything he wants, she’s close and super nice with Emma, but Norman is… it’s weird. Isabella is proud of him because he meets her astronomically high bar. But at the same time, Norman never really cared for her that much and has never pretended to. Once they discover The Thing, though, he has a revelation, and it doesn’t take him long to switch his entire perspective about her. He’s pretty much like. Oh. She’s like me. That explains it, time to treat her like I treat myself: fucking brutally. Passive aggressive as hell. The kind of energy the :) emoticon at the end of an email gives. He does like just go “yeah we should kill her” at one point, which. You know, ok. When he got shipped out it was hhhh really interesting because Isabella knew full well he knew he was walking to his death and Norman was like “are you Truly Happy?” and just went :) and she was like h u h and tried to get him to talk while they were walking there because she feels Bad about it and he just. Did not. He didn’t say a single word just kind of smiled menacingly at her and I think it was half a sort of rebellion and half because he viewed her as similar to himself and therefore felt no need to put up any front with her, no words were necessary for him to impart exactly how he felt about it

Lambda kids: His relationship with the lambda kids is weird and bittersweet. I think he really truly does care about them, they were in a similar situation to his and he wants them to get what they want. However it is not a healthy or beneficial relationship, they see him as a god and don’t realize that he’s killing himself to give them what they want, he’s basically adopted them when out of anyone norman’s the one that should least be in charge of kids. I think he’s honestly younger than them but I’m not sure if they even know. He acts like their fucking mom, and that’s from what he thinks mothers are like… like isabella?? Giving them what they want, not what they need, lying to them, showing a front, caring deeply for them but at the same time using them for his own ends. And it’s not helpful for him. He thinks he knows what they need, but what he’s doing is what they want. What they need is therapy,(and so does norman), and he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with using them as weapons because they love him. It makes him feel good, to be seen as perfect, to have people who don’t know how weak he really is. But it’s only making him worse, and he’s enabling everything the lambda kids are doing wrong as well. They need like, Yuugo and Lucas. Some actual adults who are actually wise and have the ability and the knowledge to take care of them and understand their mental problems and maybe actually address them. And actually be nice to them. But um sadly.

what he’s doing wrong: It’s pretty obvious, but… Norman, you maybe *shouldn’t* commit genocide? You’re not helping emma, you’re not making anything better. You’re not helping the lambda kids, you’re enabling them. You’re not helping your friends from grace field, you’re ignoring what they want. You’re not helping the world, you’re eradicating an entire race from the face of the earth and murdering the poor for the crimes of the fucking 1%. You’re not being a martyr, you’re a selfish piece of shit liar you little coward, you just want an easy way out and you want to die on your bloody fucking hill instead of admitting you’re wrong. Grow up, cringe little man.

why he went wrong: I think most of the reason this happened was the way he was raised combined with the kind of person he is. Norman would have turned out fine, if there has been good adults in his life who actually cared about his well being. Instead he got people who just wanted to control him and make him what they needed, and family who largely didn’t realize there was anything wrong. Ray being an ass to him most of forever probably didn’t help but well, that’s just Ray. Even then, he would have managed alright if he escaped with the rest of the kids because he would never have been separated from the experiences that caused the rest of them to realize demons weren’t all evil. In lambda he didn’t have anyone supporting him or telling him when things went too far, so he fell into relying on himself alone, pushing himself further with absolutely no limits. All he saw was enemies and allies, and things got stratified. He never had a lucas or a yuugo or mujika when he would have needed it, instead he found children who wanted him to be in charge and a world that made it so he had to be. Everything was an echo chamber for his worst thoughts, so they just became more and more dominant.

what he needs: To put it simply, he needs Emma and Ray to cut to the chase and slap him across the face and make him take care of himself. He needs to be forced to see everything for what it really is- this edgy 14 year old committing atrocities to feel better about himself? He needs to be told that what he’s doing is irrational, because in reality, it is. There are better solutions that he’s ignoring, both to his own suffering and the demons, and the way he’s going now no one will truly be happy because of it, that there is no requirement that things be perfect and this bullshit doesn’t make him stronger. He needs someone responsible to take the fucking dagger out of his hands. He also needs someone to babysit him and make him go to bed at a reasonable time.

i describe his personality through songs on my spotify playlist for him:

-outrunning karma by alec benjamin: this one super applies because it calls him out for making shitty decisions, being manipulative and a liar, and having blood on his hands in a very calm and subdued manner, that he knows this is wrong and yet he chooses to keep running faster and faster towards destruction, that he means to escape it through death

-empty by boyinaband and jaiden: yes this is a song about anorexia yes it also applies to norman i’m not saying norman literally has an eating disorder (but honestly it wouldn’t be far out of character if he did) but metaphorically this applies to his method of ignoring his needs, both emotional and physical, in favor of seeming in control

-toxic thoughts by faith marie: this one speaks to his gifted kid trauma. Man’s got perfectionism running his entire soul. He’s terrified of failing, because he’s always been at the very top, he’ll beat himself up over any miniscule mistake and forces himself to keep at bad habits that keep him Productive, but he won’t ask for help no matter how much he’s suffering because that would be failing, he fights with his mind, this song basically tells him “yeah i feel you but you need to stop that”

-no time to die by billie eilish: ignore the romantic overtones but this is emma and norman, emma who trusted norman and was lied to, betrayed, for norman’s greater good, and norman who refuses to feel or hurt because of it, who refuses to apologize or see himself as wrong, pushes forward because he’s going to Pass Away

-achilles come down by gang of youths: hhhhh it's like. His vibe. Obviously you can disregard the lifestyle specific shit but it's. It's achilles come down you have to understand it’s like the same deal as friend, please just like french and longer

-friend, please by 21 pilots: i feel like i don't have to explain this one but it’s more to the manga (not the anime where he kind of figures out he done did wrong by himself instead of committing unforgivable sins and still going yeah this is valid before emma is like holy fuck). He is like sorry emma I cannot fix anything I’m going to die :) *coughs blood* and emma going like stop it stop it stop it fuck you see you fucked up and i forgive you just stop don’t walk away while he’s like “no<3”

why im a repressed little norman kinnie even tho he’s my exact opposite: I don’t generally kin ppl like norman, honestly he’s an infj I have no clue how it happened but I’m pretty sure it’s because of my intense desire to project onto a little man who cannot lift a milk jug and has chronic pain and decides you know what I AM tired of being nice i DO wanna go apeshit. Also he’s a twink. A little bastard. He’s a terrible person and I go mood every time he does anything. I said mood when he fell out of a tree. Don’t know what this says about me, I swear I wouldn’t commit no genocide. He’s like the inverse of Yoichi Saotome, and somehow i kin him too. Damn.

Miscellaneous headcanons:

-man’s SO attached to his william minerva cloak. He’s a wispy little bitch, you know he’s wearing that thing inside the house, he’s fucking cold. It also makes him Look Important he can retreat into it like an emo middle schooler with an oversized sweatshirt

-although you could probably get Mad street cred from having two whole brands you know he’s not gonna whip it out and show off his lambda thing he’s incredibly self conscious and his chest hasn’t seen the sun in years

-norman’s got MAD laundry skills to be able to wear like, all white all the time while constantly murdering people. I think he’s the only one who knows to do the laundry. And Ray is the only one who knows how to cook.

-but even then there’s gotta still be a few questionable stains on that thing, but if anyone asks he’s like “ketchup” “I’ve literally never seen you eat anything with that much color” “ketchup :)” *coughs blood*

-he’s probably thought “well i have not literally coughed blood yet today so I am not legally obligated to take care of myself”

-He probably adopted much of his current personality from taking on the persona of william minerva. I’m calling him out for being like me, he’s a blank motherfucker, he absorbs personality traits from characters he plays! He’s just not in theatre so it’s a bit more intense!

-the first time he sees barbara Eating Demon Meat he kinda stares and goes oh cool! not for me and violently exits the room. Like it's hilarious bc he thinks that's really gross on a moral level though he understands why she would do it

-Which is even funnier bc I’m not sure about the canon on this but there was That Chapter Cover that one time that kinda seemed to imply norman eating demon meat which i absolutely latched onto because I’m terrible. He was just politely eating it. With a knife and fork like why dude. As to a possible reason for him doing that I can come up with, of course barbara does it out of spite, but man we don’t know the properties, if it had some sort of painkilling aspect to it or it was like, caffeine, you know he would, but he would Definitely not talk about it

-I kinda disagree with what the anime did in episode eight? It was good I liked it and the imagery was fantastic but also have you considered Norman could not kill someone with his own hands if he tried, or even physically injure them? That’s what his minions are for shawty. That doesn’t make it any less bad, of course, but the manga captured it perfectly by the fact of he carries around a dagger and a scepter in the capitol battle, but he never even raises it out of more than intimidation. He walks through calmly like he’s not scared at all but he makes sure all the lambda kids do all the actual murder, he just stands there impartially, clearly The Mastermind, as the kids fucking murder the queen of the demons. And I think that’s more profound because he’s, a coward. And he doesn’t realize being the one who orders the strike makes you just as responsible as the one who sticks the knife in someone. The knife is just there to Compensate™ for the fact that he weighs like eighty pounds.

-he’s more of like lady macbeth (because he’s a girlboss) than macbeth himself. He has blood on his hands, but it’s the kind of blood that you can’t wash off. He never killed anyone himself, and he cannot admit he never would have been able to.

-the last thing is that there are definitely epic things about the anime, episode 8 was my favorite so far, goddamn that imagery and the bitch walking through the city while it burns down with the screaming asmr going on behind him my god. We stan. But like the downside of, letting Emma and Ray get to him before he commits first degree murder makes the whole thing lose a lot of his value. In the manga (oh my god look at me being a pretentious manga fan please) it fit more of his ideas- he never backed down, and he planned for Emma coming and trying to stop him. Of course he wanted Emma to stop him, he wanted it with all his fucking heart he was pleading for it to happen but the man wouldn’t give himself what he wanted if he was held at gunpoint. He knew she’d come and he made absolutely sure she wouldn’t be able to stop him. So when she came and he said “you’re too late”??? It kind of said it all, in the fact that he was disappointed that he got his way. He still thought he did the right thing, but deep down there where he shoved all his thoughts and feelings he desperately wanted to be saved from himself.

So yeah, those are my thoughts. Feel free to eviscerate me if these are not Correct he is just my favorite girlboss who I feel the need to yell at

#tpn #the promised neverland #yakusoku no neverland #tpn norman #norman tpn #essay post #god why do i do this to myself #dear god help me this is 5000 words #rowan's hyperfixation essays

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yeeyee-alumni · 3 years

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Ellie’s (lack of a) character arc & why the result is an unsatisfying story

Let’s state the obvious: Ellie does not have a character arc in The Last of Us Part 2. A character arc is defined as a gradual transformation or inner journey of a character in response to changing developments in the story. And you may argue that Ellie from the beginning of the game is not the same as the one at the end of the game, and I would agree with you. She went from a woman consumed by revenge (not really but we will stick with that for now) to a woman able to forgive her aggressor and move on. However, there are problems with this supposed inner change on multiple levels. a) the change is not gradual b) the change comes out of nowhere c) the change is not informed by anything I don’t think there’s any need to thoroughly explain the first statement. Ellie has the same goal from the beginning to the very last second before attaining her goal. At no point in the story is she self-reflective, questions her methods, there’s no moral dilemma for her, no inner conflict, no doubt that causes her to put her own actions into a new perspective and possibly change her motivation. From beginning to end she believes to be 100% justified in her goal to kill Abby. Subsequently, if Ellie were actually consumed by revenge, the only logical conclusion to her story would be for her to eventually drown Abby.

Which neatly leads me to the next point: her change comes out of nowhere. The decision to let Abby go, as is implied by the narrative, is triggered by a random, arbitrary flashback of Joel. First of all, the timing here is outright comical. For what reason is she having this specific flashback at this very moment? Sounds like contrived, convenient bs to me to give the appearance that her decision is informed by something (which it isn’t, and we'll get to that in a moment). Second of all, getting a flashback to the most important person in your life that has been brutally murdered in front of you, seeing an image of what could have been and what was unjustly taken from you, is not gonna inspire you to forgive your aggressor. If anything, it would make you more determined and sadistic. And third of all, I hear you all yelling "but it was a flashback to their conversation about forgiveness and that inspired her to forgive Abby." And I have multiple qualms regarding this line of thinking. Number one, forgiving the person you love most in this world for having lied to you cannot be compared to forgiving the person who brutally took said person from you. This actually further accentuates my previous point, this is the person that robbed you of your opportunity for reconciliation. Implying that Ellie's thought process here is „I wanted to forgive Joel, but this person robbed me of any opportunity to, so I have to forgive her” is muddled, nonsensical and quite frankly unrealistic. And number two, is the implication here that this is the first time Ellie has thought back to that conversation? That’s a whole new level of nonsense. She will have reflected on all moments with Joel, including this one, and yet at no point prior to this moment had she considered even the possibility of forgiveness, as I have illustrated earlier. So why now? Very obviously to get a payoff, which was neither set up nor properly developed. And moving on to my last point: it is not informed by anything. I know a lot of players didn’t want Ellie to kill Abby, and even I felt that way at first, albeit presumably for entirely different reasons (I was so drained and removed from the narrative by that point that I only thought to myself "just go home, you psychos"). But upon reflection, I concluded that that would have been an unsatisfying conclusion narratively speaking. Nevertheless, Abby seems to have grown dear to many players. After all, they have spent several hours with her, they have seen her struggle, overcome her obstacles, fight for what she believes to be right. Their feelings towards Abby are informed by the person they have seen her to be and by the experiences they went through with her. Yet Ellie is missing all of that context. She has not been with us throughout our three days in Seattle, she doesn’t know Abby outside of her having horrifically killed Joel and she has not gained any new information that would lead her to change her opinion about her. And so, we have another example of the story making characters do things that are not informed by anything, for the sake of a poor payoff. And since we're talking about characters acting nonsensically, let's talk about the roughly three minutes leading up to Ellie nearly drowning Abby, shall we? Ellie approaches the beach absolutely determined to find and kill Abby (repeatedly murmuring Abby’s name to herself). Yet when she reaches the pillars, she cuts Abby down, letting her free Lev and follows them to the boats, indicating that Ellie has changed her mind, showing pity/empathy upon seeing Abby a mere shadow of her former self. And yet again, we have Ellie acting in a way she never has before. She didn’t have pity for Nora who was coughing her lungs out, or for Jordan who had advocated for letting her live, or for any other innocent WLF or Seraphite that came in between her and killing Abby. But the one person she holds a grudge against to the point of killing hundreds of innocent people without batting an eye, that is the person she is suddenly capable of feeling pity/empathy for? Is it really that surprising that Ellie's actions here feel forced, uncharacteristic, and illogical? But it actually gets worse. In an additional display of Druckmann not knowing how humans work, we have Ellie putting her backpack with all her gear in the boat, looking at her bloody hand and then remembering "Oh yeah, that's the woman who killed Joel. I almost forgot.” And at this point in my playthrough I was laughing out loud. And so, we have Ellie all of sudden determined to kill Abby again, so much so that she is willing to threaten an innocent child’s life (this by the way was the final nail in the coffin for me, they thoroughly obliterated Ellie’s character throughout the entire game, but this goes against the very core of her being). And we know the rest, they fight, Ellie nearly kills Abby but eventually lets her go. To summarize what happened in the three minutes before our big emotional payoff to our 25 hour-long journey of playing this epitome of misery porn: Ellie has 3 - count them 3!!! - changes of heart. Her motivation does a perfect 180 almost every minute. This is not how people work! That’s lazy, contrived beyond believe, and borderline comical levels of writing, because Druckmann prioritized having a final boss battle on a beach over organic, coherent, and logical storytelling (but I guess it was worth it for the goddamn visuals). However, what’s most infuriating is that there are such easy fixes if one only thinks about it for more than two minutes that could erase nearly all for the major issues I just illustrated while maintaining the plot points of the two fighting on a beach and Ellie letting Abby go. If we have Ellie walk to the beach immediately, finding Abby there untying the boat (Lev nearly passed out in the boat, Ellie not seeing him) and she then attacks Abby, immediately we have erased two of Ellie’s changes of heart, she remains consistent in her goals/motivation, not jumping back and forth between two extremes. The two women fight much like we see it in the game, and then as Ellie is about to finish it, we hear Lev calling out to Abby. And there we have our motivation for Ellie to not kill her. Not because she gets a random, convenient flashback, not because she forgives Abby (Abby has done nothing to earn Ellie’s forgiveness), not because Abby has earned her redemption, but because Ellie cannot find it in her to put an innocent child through the pain Abby has put her through. Because at the end of the day, Ellie’s hatred for Abby does not outweigh her capacity for compassion and empathy for those deserving of it (a core characteristic of hers that was established in the first game). Because Ellie would rather let an individual live that is undeserving of it than cause the same pain she was put through to an innocent child that is undeserving of it. Granted, if we were to go with this ending, we would still have to build towards it properly and therefore would have to tweak the rest of the game, mainly by showing Ellie being self-reflective, merciful towards innocents, and even doubtful about her goals at times to make her final decision informed by prior developments in order to have the character arc actually be a gradual transformation leading to a logical conclusion. I have been a writer for nearly 4 years now, which means I am in no way an expert, or the most creatively talented person around and yet I would argue that this ending would be much more satisfying to most players than the alternative we were presented with. Because as it stands, none of our actions or decisions (and yes that is something important to consider when we are working within the medium of video games), or Ellie’s for that matter, lead up to this conclusion. The conclusion to this story, the final moment, the big emotional payoff hinges on a random flashback, not on any other developments that previously occurred in the story. Subsequently rendering all of the 25 hours entirely pointless, none of it had an influence on the finale, none of it mattered narratively speaking. So, is it even a surprise that many found this to be dissatisfying? I noticed a few people who are fond of Abby accusing people feeling differently of having too much of an emotional bias or even going as far as to say they are less emotionally intelligent. This is problematic for two reasons, a) different people have different reasons for disliking Ellie’s final choice. Some still hate Abby as much as in the beginning, others feel drained and indifferent, and others still feel similarly to how I feel in that it’s mainly narratively dissatisfying. And b) the same story can have a different effect on any amount of people (otherwise, we would have settled the discussion about what the greatest movie all of time is long ago). My point being, that no matter how you feel about this particular story you are 100% justified in feeling this way, and yes that includes people that by the end of the game still hate Abby just as much as they did the moment she bashed Joel’s skull in. That does not necessarily have to be personal bias, more often than not it’s the ability to see through the storytelling techniques used, rendering them mostly ineffective for these people (and I include myself in this). I wanted Ellie to kill Abby not because I was unable to empathize with her or couldn’t see past my own personal bias, but because that would have been the logical, narratively satisfying conclusion to this specific story.

#tlou #tlou2 #the last of us #the last of us 2 #the last of us part 2 #ellie #ellie williams #joel #joel miller #abby #abby anderson #writing #storytelling #character arc #rant #themes #motivation #rewrite #I posted this before but deleted my account so here it is again

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madd-devil · 3 years

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Slowly Falling in Love with Felix part 2

You didn't understand what was going on in your head.

You were suddenly feeling the need to become closer to Felix, which was an absurd idea to you. He was only nice to you a few times and wasn't considering your job seriously. Was it weird that you started having feelings for the boy you once despised? Yes.

Again, you didn’t understand why: Felix was always so… so cold and so closed up. Why would one night with him change your whole point of view of him?

Because you saw how he truly was.

It was true, Felix never acted like this before and you started to realise his behaviour around you was slowly changing. He was more… understanding, kinder in a way and talked to you more as well as helping you out often during your chores. He called it “keeping an eye on you so you don’t get captured again” but deep down, you just knew it was an excuse so he could stay with you longer. You wondered if the other boys noticed something different about the blond-haired boy, but they didn’t really care as long as they had food and games to play.

But Felix still remained his angry and aggressive self. One wrong step and he could blow up. Watching him battle the other lost boys over little mistakes made you realise that. He wasn’t that different from Pan: they both loved control and when things went in their ways. No wonder they were close friends.

It was just a normal day in Neverland, you were busy with taking care of foolish injured boys who thought it might have been a good idea to fight the beasts that roamed the island with little weapons. You rolled your eyes at one moaning: he only had some bruises on his body. They always exaggerated when they were hurt, and requested you stay around them. You understood that you were in a way their “mother” but it was starting to be too much to handle for you.

You exited the tent, breathing out heavily and whipped the sweat off your forehead. Not only you had to take care of a bunch of boys, but it was also one of the hottest days in Neverland. You never understood that Pan couldn’t control the weather, it was his island and he didn’t have a hand of that… Or as you thought, he didn’t know how to change it.

“Is everything okay?”

You turned your head and saw Felix standing near you, his club hanging on his shoulder. You frowned at him when you saw he was wearing his normal clothes. All the boys and you included decided to dress lightly in order to not be bothered by the hot weather but Felix…

“You should undress.” You bluntly said.

“I am sorry?” He asked, an eyebrow raising.

“I meant… It is too hot for you to wear those clothes, go change.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Fine, do whatever you want.”

You let yourself sit on the ground, ignoring the boys chattering from the inside of the tent. They were bickering again. It was giving you a headache. Being the mother figure of the rowdy and rough lost boys was a difficult job, and you wondered how you survived until now. Sometimes they were even fighting for your attention. It was tiresome. Felix seemed to sense your distress, he looked at you then at the tent with a frown.

“Do you want me to tell them to shut up?”

“No thanks. I am okay.”

“You don’t look like you are. You look tired.”

“All I want is a day off…” You whispered, standing up slowly.

The second in command took your hand abruptly and you didn’t have the strength nor the will to fight him. You both left in the jungle and you groaned at that. It was the worst place to be when it was hot like that.

“Where are you taking me?” You questioned the boy.

“Somewhere quiet, where you can rest.” He replied softly.

“Since when have you decided to take care of me?”

He didn’t reply and you decided to not ask more questions. After all, it didn’t sound that bad. Felix was always silent, rarely speaking. He won’t bother you that much and besides, you really needed to rest for a while.

Finally you reached your destination and you gasped at how beautiful the view was. The blond haired boy had brought you on a small mountain, above the jungle and the sea. Thankfully, there was a large tree giving some shade for both of you and you wiped sweat off your forehead as you laid down on the fresh ground.

“It is kind of… my secret place.” Felix admitted, sitting down next to you.

“So this is where you run off when we are partying?” You asked with a smirk, already knowing the answer.

“Most of the time, yes.”

“It is such a nice place. I could spend all my day here, without worrying about anyone…” You sighed, contemplating the sky. “Does Pan know about this?”

“Pan doesn’t have to know everything…” The blond haired boy huffed.

“Isn’t that right…” You said, closing your eyes, trying to rest.

When you opened your eyes, it was dark already. You stood up quickly and searched for Felix. He was nearby, he seemed to be focused on playing with his dagger. You strolled toward him, a little irritated that the second in command let you rest for so long. He boredly looked up to you.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” You asked, sounding angrier than you wanted it to be. It wasn’t his fault after all.

“Calm down woman.” He growled. “I thought you might use a little sleep, that’s all. You seemed really exhausted.”

You didn’t know how to react to this. In the past years you had lived on the island, Felix never did those kinds of things with you. This was really weird. You didn’t think the time he spent with you while being trapped changed him that much, so you thought it might be one of his awful pranks.

“I have to go back to camp. You coming?” You asked, tilting your head to the side.

The boy didn’t reply and you figured you might have been too mean with him. You rolled your eyes as you returned to camp. Boys were such crybabies. You could say one wrong thing and they would not speak to you for a solid week. The sentinels at the entrance of the camp greeted you with warm smiles but regained their compostures when Pan appeared out of nowhere, clearly furious.

“Where were you?” He asked rudely.

“I was resting.” You answered simply because it was the truth.

“Oh so now you need rest?” He snarled, taking your arm harshly. “The boys needed you.”

“They were okay, look.” You gestured to them dancing around the fire or playing games.

“How was your rest with Felix then?” He spit his name like it was venom. “Had fun?”

You successfully broke free from Pan’s harsh hold. You took a glimpse of your arm and noticed it would bruise. You glared at Pan.

“What the heck?! Why does it matter now what I am doing with Felix?”

“I don’t want babies walking around the camp.” He pushed you roughly out of his way. “Is that understood?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”

When the boys went to their tents to sleep, you were left with more chores to do. Of course they didn’t bother to do anything, you were always behind them, picking up their clothes or cleaning them. You sighed, annoyed, and thought of what Pan told you earlier. Glancing at his tree house where he was probably sleeping, you couldn’t help but think about it. What you were doing with Felix was nothing of his businesses. Hell, you didn’t even believe that Felix liked you. You stopped for a moment… Did Felix like you?

You turned your head when you suddenly heard someone walking behind you. Glancing over your shoulder, you saw it was Felix, he seemed to be hiding something behind his back. You rolled your eyes and went back to your chores. He stopped besides you but you didn’t bother to look at him. You were too busy with washing the clothes anyway.

“Erm… (Y/N)?” He asked, stuttering over some bits.

“Yes Felix?”

“I....” He stuttered, which was odd for him.

“(Y/N)!!” A young voice cried.

You didn’t have the time to investigate that someone had crashed into you. You winced, and looked down, seeing it was Charlie. He was very young, but very quick and talkative. A pretty strange kid who was scared of anything and believed what he was told. It could be cute, but tiresome to take care of him. You sighed, asking him what he was doing out at that hour.

“It’s Sam!” The boy sobbed. “He said the Shadow would get me and kill me, if I didn’t give him my bed!”

You groaned, exhausted to settle such silly matters between the boys. But, as Pan would say to you, you were their mother figure and had to attend their needs. You took a glimpse at Felix who wasn’t watching.

“Sorry, but what you have to tell me has to wait.”

“It’s ok…” He replied. “It was nothing anyway…” He muttered as he left.

You frowned when you heard that but was reminded of your duty by Charlie sobbing harder. You stepped toward the tent and tried to settle the matter as fast as possible between the two boys. When you came back, you realised Felix was gone. You sighed and decided it was time for you to go to your tent.

When you entered, you removed your heavy coat that you threw on a chair then let yourself fall on the bed. But then you noticed them. You took the soft and beautiful flowers delicately, and immediately recognized them as lavenders. There was a field full of them nearby, and they had been nicely cut, you noticed. Someone put a lot of effort in this. Oddly, it put a smile on your face and you decided to go to sleep, not even wanting to know who gave you flowers.

The next morning, you decided to not tell anyone about the flowers, and especially not Pan. He was well known for his excessive jealousy and for his hatred toward adults and their “petty feelings” as he called it. Walking out, you immediately noticed Felix glancing at you from his usual spot, completely ignoring Pan talking to him, which was odd. You brushed it out, stepping toward the little tent that the boys used to keep their weapons. You knew that meat was low around, so you decided to go hunting.

The boys only liked it for fun and trophies and always messed up, except some of them. They would say Felix is the best, but you thought otherwise: Aidan was, in your eyes, the best hunter. He wasn’t as tall as the second in command but he was the quickest of the boys, and knew perfectly how to track and hunt. After all, as he told you some times ago, his father was also a hunter and got killed by a bear. As you stepped out with a bow and some arrows, as well as some small axes, you strotted toward Aidan.

“Hey. I want to go hunting, wanna go with me?” You asked, already knowing the answer.

“Of course I am going!” The boy replied with a cheeky grin as he stood up.

"No one is going anywhere." A stern voice is calling behind.

You rolled your eyes and Aidan dropped on the ground, looking angry and frustrated but he held his tongue. You looked at Pan with a frown.

"We need food." You stated.

"The hunting party went early this morning. If you weren’t busy doing lovey dovey stuff, you would have noticed. Besides, I need you and Felix to check the islands for any new boys."

You hated doing that and more with Felix. He was so strange those last days and behaved in a weird way around you. And Pan had told you to stay away from him some times ago. Why would he send you both on a patrol?

"I can't believe you are making us take the longer path." You groaned as you hit a rock with your shoe.

You thought that at least it would be quick but for some reasons, Felix wanted to take a very long road, full of dangers and on the path was the mermaid lagoon. You knew how dangerous it was to go there, having to beg the mermaids to release a lost drowning one from their claws once in a while.

"We have to check everywhere. The Shadow is known for dropping them off at unexpected locations." The blond haired boy replied nonchalantly. “Stop complaining, it is less annoying than hunting.”

“Hunting is fun, especially with Aidan.”

“Stop talking about him and focus on your task.” He said brutally.

You rolled your eyes again, and walked at his pace. Searching for new lost ones was a very boring task, all the boys hate doing it. Only Felix seemed to appreciate it, maybe because he could be away from camp for a little bit? He was not a social one. What was more surprising is Pan sending you off with him. You couldn’t realise he had done that.

Some hours passed, and nighttime seemed to engulf the island one more time. With only the moon and the little lantern Felix had brought, you two started to head back to camp after an unsuccessful search. Hopefully it would be the last task Pan gives you today, you weren’t in the mood to cook or skin an animal.

“Do you like Aidan?”

The question caught you off guard and you turned to look at Felix.

“What… Why are you asking me this?”

“You seemed more eager to be with him rather than me.”

“I was happy to go on a hunt with him. He is my friend.” You replied, confused why Felix sounded so angry about it. “Seriously, what’s up with you all? First Pan then you…”

“Wait!” He sounded scared for a moment. “What did Pan tell you?”

“He asked me to stay away from you so we don’t have babies around the camp.” You groaned, disgusted to even think about it.

The second in command didn’t say anything, but had stopped walking and looked at you with that dumb expression he always had when he didn’t want to admit he didn’t understand something. The more you thought about it, the more Felix reminded you of a clueless puppy. It was… a little cute.

“He thinks I want to sleep with you.”

Still no reaction and that clueless look on his face. You rolled your eyes and pinched your nose in frustration.

“He thinks we will have sex together.”

“And you…”

“Oh god, I don’t want to talk about this with you… It is too…. awkward.”

He didn’t say anything else after that so you assumed the conversation was over. As you walked by the river where you would usually bathe, Felix approached you and asked you something. However, you were too in your daydreams that you didn’t catch what he said and… You didn’t know what happened. Now, you were wet and cold. The boy had accidentally pushed you in the water, and you were mad.

“I am sorry…” He sounded so pitiful, it was annoying. “I didn’t mean it I swear! It was an accident...”

“What the fuck Felix!” You yelled at him. “Why do you always have to hurt me?!”

You were so petty about this, you wanted to make him pay for some reasons, a payback for all the shitty things he had done to you over your stay on the island. You grabbed one of his legs, and pulled with all your strength toward you, so he would fall into the water too. He fell with a silent scream, and when he broke through the surface, you raised your fist to punch him and you gladly did so. However, he was stronger than you, even in the river.

“Enough!” A voice boomed from the shore.

You both stopped immediately. You realised it was Pan, staring down at you two, crossing his arms like a disapproving father looking at his misbehaving children. You groaned again, and attempted to climb back to shore, which was a little difficult because you were pretty certain Felix had broken a few bones in your entire body. You were the first one out, and held your head high with pride as you passed Pan.

“You should put a leash on him Pan, that would avoid some troubles.” You hissed, still angry, not caring about Felix’s state.

Author note: Yes I am alive lol lol

#once upon a time felix x reader #ouat felix #ouat felix x reader #once upon a time

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lorei-writes · 3 years

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Abuse in Fiction

I think I spoke of a related issue once already, but well, I do not mind repeating myself. In a way, I even enjoy it, I suppose. It’s mildly personal this time too, hm.

So, as some of you may know, I am of a strong belief that fiction should not be hopeless and that it is easy to write a story full of despair - and harder to undo all the harm that’s been done. However, I am also of belief that... My views never matter more than that of another person, and that we are all entitled to our own stances, morals and opinions, for at least as long as we do not enforce those on others. (For the record here, I do not consider hatred an opinion or standard of any type; another distinction that needs to be made: facts are not opinions).

As such, the following will be my opinions, and nothing more. Whether you agree with them or disagree - this is yours, not mine. I do not aim to convince anybody to see the world the way I do.

Well, where do I even start? One step at a time, I suppose.

Bad people do good things. & Good people do bad things.

You need knowledge to realise what is abusive.

Themes of abuse are not inherently harmful.

Gatekeeping requires proof.

What can I do?

A little bit personal something.

Bad people do good things & Good people do bad things

As alluring as it may be, the world cannot be split in neat categories of pure goodness and pure evil. What makes a person good? What makes them bad? Is the good one that who does not harm others? It is generally the definition of goodness I go by, and yet - it is not absolute.

What I’m trying to say is that, to try and split people into good-bad categories based on a single action is... Not really productive. It may be an error. It may be a result of something you are not aware of. And, yes, it may turn out they are indeed not a “good person”, whichever definition you go by - but it also may not.

We are talking about fiction here, however. Not killing, not abusing somebody yourself, but an act of writing about it. If it is tagged appropriately - then who is being hurt? If it is tagged, the person who read it consented to it in the first place. They could have withdrawn. If it is not tagged... Then, it brings me to my second point.

You need knowledge to realise what is abusive.

I would love to see a world in which every single person is educated and capable of recognising different forms of abuse. However, we do not live in such a world. We live in one where access to sex education is still limited in plenty places, where access to mental health services may be restricted, where mental illness is sometimes still a cultural taboo, where humans are being trafficked, abused in all form, dehumanised, enslaved, all to the benefit of rich countries. We do not live in an ideal world, so to require people to act in ideal ways? I consider it ludicrous.

Plenty cultures around the world glamourise abuse - or so it is at least in Europe. What books are best-sellers? 50 Shades of Grey. 365 Days was somewhat big too. If a person cannot get education from a reliable source, if the culture perpetuates the belief that a form of abuse is not in fact abusive, or what is arguably worse, is well-deserved, then how will they know it is in fact hurtful?

You must realise that, even for victims of abuse, it may take decades to learn why they were hurting, to realise that something was in fact wrong. You must realise those people may include themes of abuse in their work thinking that this is how it just is.

Is it perpetuating the harmful norm? It is.

But are they doing it consciously? Or is it the by-product of their culture? And if so, is it their fault?

Is ostracising them and calling them morally wrong doing anything to counter the hurtful norm? Do we need to abandon a topic completely, as some approaches to it may be hurtful? Or do we need to deconstruct it? To realise what beliefs linger behind the words?

Themes of abuse are not inherently harmful.

Abuse victims do not always get their feelings validated. Not only that, they may lack a safe space to share their experiences in any form at all. Fiction provides such an outlet.

Are all depictions of abuse good? Well, of course, no. Romanticising abuse justifies it. It normalises it. We should strive not to ever include such a thing in a work. Many hurtful beliefs can be transferred through fiction - “abuse made them stronger”, “abuse made them kinder”, “once abused will turn into the abuser”, “if you were abused, you do not have a choice but to abuse”, “a parent and child always have some magical bond tying them together”. The list goes on and on. Some people use it as a shock factor, something that does not have any lasting and realistic influence over the characters - and that, in my opinion, is disrespectful.

However, if one were to ban abuse from fiction, they would have to cut out all the scenes calling out abuse for what it is. They would have to cut out hopeful stories, to take away from what may lead somebody to realise they are not treated appropriately. People learn through stories too - and some use fiction to process the issues they faced.

Gatekeeping requires proof.

As you might have noticed, I spoke about how themes of abuse resonate with abuse survivors themselves. Of course, some will not need it. Some will avoid the topic completely.

But, the question is: so perhaps, only abuse survivors should be entitled to writing about abuse?

Well... No. First, it requires proof. Then, it would require some sort of grading system - and that by itself is so dehumanising and humiliating I do not think I have to explain it. Also, the fact that somebody survived abuse does not mean they worked through all the toxicity it brought upon them and that they are capable of not repeating the hurtful messages.

Some people survived abuse and they are not aware of it. Does it make them a bad, hideous person if they include themes of what they considered normal in their work? Or perhaps they do not view it as ordinary, but cannot see a reflection of that in their own situation? Are they morally detestable? Or are they a victim?

What can I do?

Does it mean you should approve all depictions of abuse in fiction? No. Absolutely not, never. It means you should be critical about it, and that stigmatising people does not solve the issue.

Be critical of what you read.

Educate yourself on what is and what is not abusive.

If your friend (or a person you feel comfortable pointing it out to) made something toxic seem romantic/normal - tell them. (It can be a rather emotional discussion, so really, make sure you can handle it).

Do your best not to romanticise abuse in your own work.

If you do choose to write about abuse, make sure to label it clearly.

If it is a NSFW type of content, and the characters are acting out a scenario - show that it is a scenario played out between two consenting adults, and that it can and it will end the moment one of them opts out. If it is not consensual and was not meant to be consensual, show it for what it is - abuse.

Educate yourself, and if possible others, on what is and is not appropriate.

And, if you interacted with a piece of media that bothered you personally:

Block the author of it. Do not interact with the rest of their work.

If it is not labelled appropriately, do tell your friends of it. Warn them.

If you enjoy other works by the author and still want to follow them - ask them to label abuse. They may do it, they may not do it. Decide whether you still want to follow them afterwards.

A little bit personal something.

Content Warnings: discussion of abuse, domestic abuse, suicide mentions, self-harm, rape

Well, I never hid the fact that I lived through domestic abuse. There are authors in our fandom whose works I avoid specifically because of their poor handling of themes of abuse at the hands of a parent.

It took me 15 years to find words to describe my pain. I did not know I was abused for the majority of the time it happened. It was my reality - it was just how the world functioned. Did it spill into my early writing? Yes. But not in the ways you would have expected. My characters were not abusive themselves. They idealised suicide. They would hurt themselves, although not with blades or anything of the like - and at the time, I did not know it was self-harm either. In the plot, they were being abused, and they would come out of it victorious.

I am comfortable saying this. But somebody may not be. They may not know yet.

This post was sparked by a person calling people who write rape “sick in the head” (ugh, stigmatisation of mentally ill people aside, at least this time, okay?). I do not condone romanticising rape. It is disgusting, as any form of abuse. I blocked authors who did not label it and thus exposed me to sensitive content without my consent. I did not go through it and I do not wish for anybody to go through it. However, the post lacked this sort of nuance. It was about the entirety of it, however it was handled.

I do not know why somebody writes it. I do not think I have the right to demand an answer to that. I do not have the right to decide who was hurt “bad enough” (as if something like so existed in the first place) to touch the subject.

I also do not want to stigmatise people who did not get proper education on the matter. How many of them were raped and did not know that lack of consent equals rape? How many of them realised or will realise it after years? How many were failed by their education system, were victims to the times they were born in, to the culture?

Because, remember, to plenty people rape is something that happens in the black alley, at hands of a stranger. Not something done by their partner, when they hope to just get done with the thing and move on - after all, it happened to them. And said partner is not a bad person, so how could he do something bad?

I cannot say whether a person is processing something. I cannot say whether a person consumed so much of modern popular media and lacks knowledge and experience necessary to understand that scenes depicted in it are in fact ABUSE. Sometimes I am near stating that media almost conditions us to accept some forms of abuse as normal.

What I can say is that, well, if you make writing about one type of abuse a taboo, another one may follow.

I do not think this approach answers the problem of why do multiple people, across different fandoms and countries, perceive something abusive as “not that bad”, even bordering appropriate. I do not think that stigmatising the people who write such things is going to change much. It will certainly not target the ones who need education.

And well, it removes the opportunities to critically approach the matter. I know it is hard. But people need to understand why certain narrative choices are harmful and hurtful, not just be presented with “writing about abuse is evil”. We still need spaces to safely discuss abuse.

People need to understand why something is bad, not just label it as bad and be done with it.

#lorei spoke

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mosswillow · 3 years

Text

Learning To Love - Steve Rogers x Reader (featuring Texas vibes)

Summary: Life always does this thing where it puts you in situations you swore you were done experiencing. You’re done having relationships, but they may not be done with you.

Warnings: Smut, feelings, angst, interrupted assault (In relation to this, attacker going unpunished, intimidation, stalker vibes.), mature themes, 18+ adult content, slow burn?

A/N: This is a gift for @joannie95 for the Hoelentine’s Day challenge! I hope you like it. This isn’t a dark fic but it is a little heavy, there’s a healthy dollop of anxiety and feelings throughout with a happy ending.

Thanks to @amythedvdhoarder @chrissquares and @drabblewithfrannybarnes for putting this whole thing together, it’s such a fun challenge!

By clicking keep reading you confirm you’re over 18. This is mature content, be careful.

Unlovable.

When asked to describe yourself it’s the first word you think of. Your very first boyfriend spent months emotionally abusing you and by the end of the relationship it’s what you truly believed about yourself. Every relationship after has been the same. Your insecurities and inability to trust causing tension that eventually sabotages any chance at making things work; and with each failed relationship your view of yourself becomes more and more loathsome. Self hatred and depreciation surround you in a cloak of misery, convincing you that they’re your friends. It’s all your fault, you deserve all of it, You’re unlovable.

So you don’t do relationships anymore. You want nothing more than to love and be loved, to hold hands and kiss under the moonlight. You want a partner to share your life with, an emotional connection that transcends yourself, creating a whole new person.

If only you were good enough, worthy enough for love.

But you’re not.

---

“No eating in here Dr. Rogers,” you chide.

Steve looks up at you and gives a smirk.

“How about a little bribe.” He holds up a bag of beaver nuggets. You roll your eyes and look around before sticking your hand in and grabbing a few puffs.

“I knew you couldn’t be perfect all the time,” He teases.

“Don’t you have an office or something?”

“I like it better here, I get to be scolded by a beautiful librarian and don’t have to deal with the other professors.”

You’ve known Steve for years. He started teaching at the same time you joined the library staff at Rice. He’s genuine and kind. You’ve watched him help countless students outside of office hours. Everyone likes him, including you. You really like him a lot. That’s why you can’t let yourself entertain the possibility of being with him. You can’t lose him. You can’t bear the inevitable conclusion of him looking you in the eyes and telling you he’s done, that you’re too much for him.

“Well you’ll have to pack it up, they’re sending everyone home because of the hurricane.”

“It’s barely even a hurricane, more like a tropical storm,” Steve scoffs.

“Sorry, I don’t make the rules.”

You close the library down before heading to your car. The wind has already started and the sky darkens by the second. You smell the slight scent of sea air and know it’s close. The humidity, which you forgot could even get this bad, causes you to start sweating profusely and you want to get home and take a shower before the storm starts. You have a pint of blue bell waiting for you at home along with a stack of unread books, a quiet night sounds perfect.

“Hey.”

You whip around and see a familiar face, a grad student who visits the library often. Alex, you remember.

“Sorry, I just closed the library down. You'll have to wait until the school opens.”

He takes a small step forward, close enough that your personal space is violated, while at the same time far enough to where the invasion feels almost accidental.

“I’ve watched you around campus, noticed your schedule.” It’s not an accident.

It’s not unusual for students to flirt with you but this is less flirting and more just creepy.

“Oh, um yeah I work a lot.” you take a step back and he follows.

“You don’t have a boyfriend.” He states.

You stare at him and take another step back, hitting your back on your car. You grab onto the handle and he reaches out and grabs your hand.

“Hey don’t be like that. I’m a good guy. I won’t hurt you.”

You pry your hand away..

“One date, say yes.” He says, slowly pushing his body towards you.

“No, I have to go.”

You press yourself against your car as his body goes rigid.

“You’re such a fucking tease, parading around me for weeks.”

He takes a tiny step back but places his hands against your car, caging you in. You close your eyes and freeze in fear. Your mind screams at you to move but your body just won’t.

He’s suddenly pulled away from you and when you open your eyes the only thing visible is Steve’s back.

“She said no, why don’t you move along and maybe spend some time considering why you feel entitled to women who clearly aren’t interested.”

Alex and Steve stare at each other for a few slow moments before Alex scowls at you and walks away.

“Are you ok?” Steve turns to you.

“I’m fine.” you lie, crossing your arms to avoid shaking.

Steve raises his eyebrows and looks you up and down. You’re not entirely sure how it happens but somehow you end up sitting in the passenger seat of Steve's truck, looking at your apartment building. Rain has started coming down in earnest and you dread running through it.

“Are you going to be ok alone?” Steve asks

“Are you?” You reply.

You look at eachother and your mind clears. His blue eyes stare at you with concern. Steve's hands are still on the steering wheel, clutching on like it might disappear if he lets go. You don’t want to be alone and you can tell that he doesn’t either. You want to feel safe and right now Steve is the only one who makes you feel that way. It would be so easy to invite him in, you know he would say yes.

“You don’t have a car. do you have food? Bottled water? A portable charger?” Steve asks.

“You’re the one that said it’s barely a hurricane.”

Steve sighs and releases his hands from the steering wheel.

“Just call me if you need me.”

You nod and climb out of the truck. The transition from the hot rain to your air conditioned apartment causes you to start shivering and even after you change and cover yourself in a warm blanket you still shake uncontrollably.

---

The storm lasts three days, worse than you were expecting but nothing like Harvey.

Steve shows up at your apartment bright and early a bag of conchas and breakfast tacos in hand. You climb in his truck and buckle your seatbelt. Steve eyes your book bag before backing up.

“You’re not going to work are you?”

“It’s been three days.” you reply.

He looks at you like you’re crazy and you shift uncomfortably in your seat.

“It wasn’t that bad, you got there before anything actually happened,” you say.

He opens his mouth and breathes in before biting his lip and driving you to work without another word.

Steve walks you to your car every day after work. You don’t ask him to, he just does. It’s an unsaid expectation you both have. The first week is awkward, You both say almost nothing to each other. The second week though Steve finally breaks the silence.

“How have you been?”

You shrug.

“I filed a complaint. He’s barred from the library and promised not to come near me.” you say.

Steve purses his lips.

“Do you feel safe though?”

“No...”

Steve stiffens and you reach out and grasp his shoulder.

“Thank you for walking me to my car.”

“Of course,” Steve closes the door for you and you drive away.

Steve cracked something on your exterior. You had been pushing off the feelings before Steve asked you how you were and now you can’t push them down any longer. You get in the shower and let the warm water wash over you. At first you feel raw and then angry and then for the first time since it happened you cry. It feels silly, to let something so seemingly small affect you so much. It could have been so much worse, it’s not like anything actually happened. Maybe that’s what scares you, not what happened but the implication of what could have. He invaded your space and intimidated you, making you feel small and helpless. If it wasn’t for Steve…

You let yourself fall apart until the water turns cold, then you pick yourself up and wrap yourself in a soft towel.

You look at the woman in your bathroom mirror and see someone who isn’t you. She’s broken and hurting, her eyes swollen from crying. She looks like she’s about to fall over from exhaustion. She didn’t deserve what happened to her. She has every right to feel upset and frightened about it. She didn’t deserve to have her safety threatened, nobody deserves that.

You didn’t deserve it.

You go to work the next day and the day after that. Days turn into weeks turn into months and the fear slowly leaches out of you as you reach out for help. The woman in your bathroom mirror deserves therapy and so do you.

Steve is always there. He walks you to your car every day. He starts texting you and you text him back. You go out to dinner with him, an ethiopian place this weekend and a mediteranian food truck the next. You form inside jokes and slowly you find yourself telling Steve little things about yourself.

“Why are you single?” You ask him one day.

“I had a girlfriend, she’s not with us anymore. After she… I guess I just… I wasn’t in a place for a long time to date anyone, I cringe now at some of the things I did while dating after she passed.”

He leans back and gives you a little smile.

“I’ll know when it’s the right time to jump back in - when it’s the right person.”

You open up about your past and he listens. He tells you about growing up as the smallest kid in his class, how he was bullied and how suddenly people started treating him differently when he hit a late growth spurt. You feel closer to him than you’ve ever felt with anyone.

---

Steve walks you to your car. Tomorrow is your off day and you stop to thank him and remind him you aren’t working the next few days. He’s looking at you and shifts on his feet, you furrow your brows in concern.

“It’s Valentine's day tomorrow.” He blurts out.

You take a step towards your car, knowing where this is going and not wanting it to go any further.

Steve is the one who holds you together, his friendship helping you in so many ways. He holds power over you though, power to throw you aside and break you apart. You can’t be cast away, not again.

“If you don’t have plans maybe I can make you something for dinner at my place?”

You turn away and grab your door handle.

“Sorry, I’m busy.”

“Oh of course, yeah that’s fine.”

You watch Steve bring his hand up to his forehead in the rearview mirror as you drive away.

That evening you write the text, it’s cowardly but you don’t think you can face him.

I don’t need you to walk me to my car anymore. Thank you for your help but I think our relationship should be professional from here on out.

What? No, we’re friends. Are you ok?

You turn your phone off and take a sleeping pill only to be woken in the middle of the night by pounding on your door.

Steve stands in your doorway. His eyes are red and his hair is messy. He takes a deep breath and runs his hand through his hair.

“You weren’t answering your phone.”

“I turned it off.”

Steve stares at you and you look away.

“What is this about?”

“What is what about?”

“We’re friends. I’m not going to stop being your friend just because you don’t want a relationship. I know this isn’t one sided, that you feel the same way about me. Why are you trying to push me away?”

You cross your arms and look down and he leans over, putting himself in your line of sight.

“If I let you in I’ll get hurt,” you confess.

“Why do you think that?”

‘I..” You stutter

It’s not one moment. Not any one breakup you’ve been through. It’s not even what happened months ago during the hurricane. It’s everything. It’s self hatred, overthinking and analyzing. It’s all the anxiety and stress of life that compounds into fear. Fear of failing and of loss, of getting hurt and breaking. You feel like the only way to keep yourself up and moving is by pushing him away.

“You’re so scared of being hurt but Y/N, you’re hurting. You’re doing to yourself the very thing you’re so scared of.”

Tears start forming, Steve brings his hand up and wipes one away before pulling you into a hug and letting you cry into his chest.

He shifts his face close to your ear and speaks softly.

“I have fear too, but you know what I’m the most scared of? I’m scared of not being your friend anymore. We don’t have to be in a relationship but please don’t cut me out.”

His voice hitches and his grip tightens.

“I love you, I care about you and always will.”

You pull back and look at him, a tear escapes one of his eyes and he promptly wipes it away.

“I’m scared,” you say.

“I am too.”

Your heart beats rapidly as you look up into Steve's bloodshot eyes and see the pain that you’re feeling mirrored back at you. Steve holds power over you but for the first time you realize that you hold that same power over him. You never thought you would be willing to put yourself in a vulnerable position again but somehow, here you are. You put your hand over your heart and feel the life pump out if it and through your veins.

reaching up tentatively, you bring your hand to his face grabbing his cheek gently. You stand up tall and slide your hand behind his neck, bringing him in and kissing him. Tension releases from both of you as you press your lips together, embracing in a warm hug. You pull away and he brings you in for another kiss, this time pushing you into your apartment and kicking the door closed behind him.

It’s a flurry of body parts and heat. You’re ripping off each other's clothing. Steve kisses your neck and you bring your hand to his chest and feel down his abdomen. He groans when you get to his dick and the next thing you know you’re on the bed arching your back as he slams into you. You open your mouth to moan but nothing comes out, Instead your eyes roll to the back of your head as an orgasm washes through you and carries you away.

“Fuck, I’m coming,” He says.

He stills on top of you and then looks down making eye contact before rolling beside you and pulling you into a hug.

“That was...” Steve starts

“Amazing.” you finish.

You pry yourself from Steve and walk to the bathroom to clean up, stopping at the mirror to look at your post sex appearance.

Maybe there’s no way around it. Maybe life will stick you in situations and force you forward against your will. You weren’t trying to let Steve into your life but somehow here he is.

For the first time you don’t don’t feel like this unlovable person. You’re not scared he’s going to leave you or that you’re going to ruin the relationship.

You have a feeling you’ve never truly experienced before and now it all makes sense. Somehow in the last few months you’ve learned to love. You look at yourself in the mirror and see someone worthy.

You’ve spent all your time and energy pushing people away when you should have been building yourself up. You thought that taking care of yourself meant hiding away and putting up a wall.

Self care isn’t a bubble bath or a glass of wine and It’s not something that happens out of fear or anxiety. It’s affording yourself the same kindness and forgiveness that you would give anyone else. It’s looking at yourself in the mirror and recognizing that you deserve to love and to be loved. It’s giving yourself permission to feel however you feel without guilt or shame. It’s love in its purest form and you deserve it.

You are not unlovable.

Steve walks up beside you and kisses your temple.

“When you said you loved me...” you start.

“I meant it.” He says quickly.

You turn and look at him, biting your lip before saying something you’ve been so scared of for so long. You kiss his cheek and smile.

“I love you.”

#happyhoelentine’schallenge2021 #steve rogers x reader #mcu fic #reader insert mcu #steve rogers x you #steve rogers x fem #steve rogers angst #steve rogers au

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maglors-anion-gap · 3 years

Text

Fic Writing Asks

Thanks to @samarqqand for the tag! Sorry for the late-ish reply!

how many works do you have on AO3?

I have 8 fics on AO3, with one WIP that I have been neglecting for Ages (so sorry to the anon who requested it, and to user findrahil for helping me beta in, like, march...), and three Tolkien Reverse Summer Bang fics coming very soon!

what’s your total AO3 word count?

Currently 36,972

how many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Mostly Tolkien. One sad MCU fic (it's not finished, please ignore it, I started it in a brighter era where I wasn't exhausted by the MCU movie industrial complex)

what are your top 5 fics by kudos?

"Why Breaks Thou the Wand" - Gimli/Legolas (qpl) Tam Lin!AU

The MCU fic that I will not be linking to

"Your Mouth is Poison (Your Mouth is Wine)" - Celebrimbor/Sauron, the events leading up to the sacking of Eregion, also known as "how to bottom in the most manipulative and vindictive manner possible"

"There are Roses That Come Without Seeking" - Curufin/Finrod, midwinter masquerade celebration turned hook-up

"Turning Shadows Into Shapes" - Feanor&Fingolfin, brotherly loveloathing and the aftermath of Finwe's death

do you respond to comments, why or why not?

Every single one. I don't get a Ton of comments so it's pretty easy for me to do and I talk non-stop so.... it's a natural instinct. I love to see what people have to say abut my work, and I love to let them know I appreciate their commentary

what’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Angstiest ending is hands down "Where the Spirit Meets the Bones" because it ends with Maedhros yeeting himself toward his doom... In general a very angsty fic because it's all about failed obligations, self hatred, and being a flawed person.

do you write crossovers? if so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

I've never written a crossover, I haven't really found universes that I desperately wanted to smash together. The closest I'll ever get is AU works.

have you ever received hate on a fic?

Yes but not on anything posted on my AO3. The commenter left me something mildly obnoxious, but when I checked out their profile they were a huge bigot. Bidoof's law for general assholery.

do you write smut? if so what kind?

Yes. More often than not. Excuse #1: the pandemic is keeping me from being my slutty self and I am projecting. Excuse #2: self-introspection. It's no coincidence that my smut fic is most often either something I find kinky, or an exploration of my identity or something I want to communicate in my life. "Halos Made of Summer, Ribbons Made of Spring" was me exploring my attraction to women (when I still thought I was a woman). A lot of my other stuff was me coming to terms with being transmasc (though I haven't included trans themes in my fics yet - that's gonna change tho).

have you ever had a fic stolen?

Nope! I don't think my stuff gets enough traction for that (rare-pair hell, my beloved). I also don't think I'd notice if themes were lifted from my work. I treat fandom like a soup pot. It would be rude to take the stock wholesale and say it was your own. That said, it's likely that at some point two or more of us are going to come up with similar flavor pairings. If you're inspired by my work, it's good grace to say so. But swapping ideas is pretty par for the course.

have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope! But you guys are always welcome to do so! I've been meaning to translate my stuff into Spanish, it's good practice for me and I know that fandom can be pretty English heavy.

have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope! I would like to at some point, I think the closest I've gotten is like, trsb exchanges.

what’s your all time favorite ship?

Probably Fingon/Maedhros because of my penchant for self-flagellation and bad decision making. It's an old standby pairing for me, and I like its Romance, in the classical sense. Celebrimbor/Sauron is a close second because I like working through how I feel about deception and betrayal and really unhealthy love.

what’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

Um... I don't want to say the WIP that's currently languishing in my drafts. I have Got to finish it because I went out of my way to get people's opinions on it. Um, probably this thing I started for Gimli/Legolas, I don't think it was imaginative enough, I have a hard time being imaginative and it feels derivative. I need to significantly re-tool it.

what are your writing strengths?

Setting up a central theme, and characterization. I like implicit meanings.

what are your writing weaknesses?

Dialogue is hard, pacing is hard (it's really hard for me to read, so I always want to pare my stuff down when I should expand on it). Executive function is non-existent so the writing process itself is just. odious (/humorous).

what are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

Ah, like adverbs and epithets, it serves a purpose (to indicate something specific). I think about a) can readers understand this b) is this respectful and does it fit the situation or characterization c) does it add something special d) do I have a good enough grasp of this language. For MCU fic I won't be linking I taught myself some very basic russian to include some russian dialogue because I wanted english readers to be temporarily out of the loop like one of the characters (like, in dramatic irony the readers know something the characters don't - I wanted a situation where the readers didn't know either). Don't go looking for that fic, my russian is embarrassing to me and others.

what was the first fandom you wrote for?

The lord of the flies :( I was 13

what’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Probably "Halos Made of Summer, Ribbons Made of Spring" for managing to write something long and detailed :)

I’m tagging @galadhremmin @arofili @undercat-overdog @findrahil @dialux (some of you may have already done this, sorry) - this is the moment where I forget every single one of my followers and mutuals... I'm so sorry, if you're reading this please consider yourself tagged and back-tag me with your replies

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fanfic-mind · 3 years

Text

Blood on my hands (all that i've gained and all that i've lost)

pairing: merthur

warnings: non

status: fanfic draft, Part 1/? (~ 2300)

It’s yet again an hour of need for Camelot. But the weapon they need to safe kingdom and people comes with a price. Only those who prove that they are powerful and wicked can receive it. The knights of Camelot don’t have enough evil deeds to be worthy of the sword. They think everything is lost - until Merlin speaks up...

A magic reveal story in which Merlin makes good use of being a morally grey character. Because, yea, Merlin-is-the-victim-reveals are swell and all but he is capable of making his own decisions and some of them are pretty shady. There is still a good amount of Uther bashing included.

Somehow they get into a situation that requires someone with blood on their hands - figuratively (otherwise it wouldn't be a problem because seeing how often Arthur and Merlin and also Gwaine get wounded by just existing they probably wouldn't even have to injure anyone)

Maybe a god of the Old Religion guards a weapon they need to kill the magic beast of the week or to destroy a cursed item.

In any case: they are really desperate. People are dying and this is their last hope, their last resort.

To their misfortune, this weapon is guarded by a very cunning and wicked god and they will only give their weapon to someone who has the power and the will to use it for evil deeds

There is a test that must be passed by the one who wants to receive the weapon. They must prove that they did enough evil deeds to be worthy of it.

Arthur quickly fails his test because despite some wrongs he's done he is way too just and noble to be wicked

The only knight that seems to get at least a few moments more of consideration is Leon who has done some terrible things - however under Uther's orders which isn't quite powerful enough

"Ahh, Uther Pendragon," the god muses, "Him i would have given the weapon. Such rage and blind hatred and, oh yes, so much blood."

Arthur grits his teeth and sets his jar. he wonders if his father would be disappointed in him for not living up to this legacy of his. he wonders - not for the first time - why he wanted to be like his father once and how he managed to end up being so different.

The knights discuss their strategy. non of them is wicked enough to pass the test. they have wicked people in Camelot's dungeons. But Camelot is three day rides off and their quest is really urgent.

They could separate and seek for wicked folk, but the chances seem slim and the risk of them keeping the weapon as they receive it seems too big

People are dying and they need to do something now.

"there must be another way to destroy it," Lancelot suggests, though they've been over this. His eyes stray to Merlin, but Merlin seems caught up in thought.

If there was an easier way to do this, Merlin and Gaius would have come up with it by now. asking the god had been their idea in the first place.

"What if there isn't?" Gwaine argues heatedly. "We can't have waisted six days for nothing. This is probably our last chance."

"so what do you suggest?" Lancelot interrupts somewhat irritated. They temperaments are heated at this point. And suddenly knowing each other’s worst deeds doesn’t exactly lighten the mood. "All of us failed the test. i wouldn't have thought that I'd ever be angry about being found too good and noble."

Gwaine shrugs with a grimace. He hadn't thought that he'd ever be deemed good and noble in the first place.

"maybe there's a way out of that," Arthur says. He hasn’t spoken in a while and all heads turn towards him.

"what do you mean, Sire?" Leon asks, looking uneasy as if he already knows and doesn't like it.

"If you're not noble enough, you proof your nobility by doing good deeds," Arthur starts matter of fact. "so, logically, if I'm not wicked enough, i prove my wickedness by doing an evil deed."

The god smiles a toothy smile.

"To murder just anyone obviously isn't evil enough" Arthur says, looking at the god with disgust. "so it must be somthing worse. murdering a friend, for example."

"My king, with all due respect, this is madness," Leon say carefully.

"sir Leon, that's the point." Arthur says sourly.

"is that really it?" Gwaine shouts at the god who watches his outburst unimpressed. "You want us to slaughter each other?"

the god laughs, distant and hollow and the earth seems to vibrate with it. "The weapon can only be taken by those of power who are wicked and cunning enough to wield it." the god repeats his earlier words.

"So there's not even a guarantee," Gwaine says, throwing up his arms. "Arthur, let's just leave and see if we can find something else."

"there is nothing else, Gwaine, you said so yourself!" Arthur returns. His expression is incredibly pained but determined in a way that makes them all shudder. Leon, Percival and Lancelot unconsciously get into fighting stance.

Gwaine takes a few steps to put himself between the king and Merlin who is the most vulnerable

Arthur nods to himself, seemingly coming to a decision in his head. Tehn he draws his sword . "If either of you kills me while i try to kill you, that might be enough too" he muses

They all stare at him in horror, unable to believe that he will go through with this.

"My people are dying," Arthur says, his tone pleading, "if i have to sacrifice my good conscience to help them - well, it is a price i must be willing to pay. I'm sorry. But all of you swore to protect Camelot at all costs too."

Arthur halts for am moment then nods grimly. "Don't try to sacrifice yourself. I'm sure that's not what he's looking for" Arthur nods towards the stony god who smiles.

"you can't be serious" Mordred whispers.

"I'm afraid i am. Now, it's been an honour. truely. and i hope - i hope I'll still have your respect afterwards. Though, i can understand if you can't trust me again."

"that's enough."

They all turn around. Partly, because they had forgotten about Merlin who has been uncharacteristically quiet the whole time. and partly because they have rarely heard this sort of tone from him. harsh and demanding. a voice more fit for a king than his manservant.

They stare at him and he makes short eye contact with Arthur before he steps forward, in front of the statue that the god is using as a vessel.

"test me." Merlin says. his voice is determined and his shoulders are set.

Arthur let's out a short laugh, because clearly this is absurd, right? Merlin is the best and kindest of all of them. Actually, coming to think of it, if he's really honest, Merlin probably is the reason Arthur is not like his father. Merlin makes him better. Merlin makes him want to be better.

A few of the knights share his sentiments, laughing slightly hysterical with tension but still perplexed over this development.

Only Lancelot steps forward with a frown as if to pull him back, but merlin raises a hand without looking at him and he stops in his tracks.

Arthur who was about to say something stops too.

The god looks more alive than before he seems to stretch himself to his full height as if he has waited for this

"welcome" he starts as he has with all of them. "young warlock, tell me your deeds."

lancelot tenses, casting a worried glance back at the king who stands there, sword still drawn, eyes fixed in Merlin as if he doesn't understand any of this

Lancelot doesn't either. Even if Merlin is a sorcerer - what evil deeds can he possibly have done? Saving Arthur's life over and over without ever seeking credit doesn't have a ring of evil to him.

"I am Merlin, and they call my Emrys." Merlin starts.

Some of the Knights gasp. Emrys is a name they know by now.

Lancelot wonders whether Merlin considers his identity an evil deed in itself. The possibility breaks his heart a bit.

"I was born with magic. I am the most powerful sorcerer there is."

Merlin takes a deep breath.

"i lied to all my friends. I let them think they can trust me, that they know me. But they never will. I could kill them just by looking at them. I am magic and i killed many behind friends backs and before their eyes, but never revealed myself to them"

"I am a slayer of my own people," he continues, his voice hard, "I killed many creatures and men of magic to protect their murderers - the king and his son. I did it out of self-righteousness and out of selfishness because...” for a moment, Merlin halts, but then he continuous with the same hard tone as before, as if something is forced out of him, but he wants to stand for it.

“I loved Arthur more than my own people. i let many of them die even though i could have helped them if i had revealed myself. But i couldn't bear the thought to be separated from him so i stayed quiet and watched them burn."

The god nods Merlin on. They all stand in shock. They know from before that Merlin won't be able to stop telling his deeds before the god thinks he is done.

"I killed the witch Nimueh even though she told me i have to pay with a life to save Arthur's. Instead of giving my life as i promised, i killed her."

"I killed Mary Collins, Afanc, Aulfric, Sophia, Cornelius Sigan, Myror and many more. "

Merlin's voice falters a bit, but he seems to pull himself together visibly, because his voice is clearer again when he keeps speaking.

"My betrayal to my people is so great, my wickedness so deep, i considered to kill a child on the mere possibility that he could threaten what was mine in the future."

Mordred makes a quiet stricken noise.

No one dares take their eyes off Merlin, but Merlin himself turns his head slowly.

There is a gasp of horror when they all see that his eyes are glowing yellow with magic.

Up until now, no one except Mordred and Lancelot had truly believed it.

"I tried to kill Mordred when he was a child and i wish his death even now though he is kind and serves Arthur."

Lancelot looks at Merlin with complete bewilderment as Mordred sobs.

Merlin doesn't answer Lancelot's gaze, he just turns around again.

They can hear him take in another breath and it sounds more halting than before.

"I knew that my friend had magic and i saw her turmoil and her fear of being killed. of being burned by her own kin like all of the others. but instead of helping her, i left her in the dark. I told her to trust me - she trusted my - and then i poisoned her."

Merlin stops for a moment, his voice sounds rough as if speaking becomes quickly more difficult.

"I gave Morgana poison in full intend and watched her as she died and i regretted when she was healed."

"Only i had the power and knowledge to save her, but i turned my head from her suffering, i killed her when she didn't know better than to turn to her sister, it was me that made her what she is today."

There is another short pause. Lancelot is desperate to see Merlin's face. To demand how this all really went. Because though he knows that Merlin is bound to say the truth by the power of the god, he still thinks there must be a mistake or a trick. This is not Merlin. Merlin would never...would he?

"I conspired with and freed the dragon that attacked Camelot which led to the death of many innocent people. I attempted to kill Arthur on multiple occasions."

Lancelot frowns. This one he knows to be untrue. Merlin didn't want to kill Arthur. it was Morgana's doing that he went after him.

"i saved Uther Pendragon's life - more than once. I let him live even though he slaughtered my people. I saved his life even though i didn't have to. I never killed him even though i had many opportunities."

Merlin pauses then, looking up at the god.

"Do i really need to go on?" he asks and it sounds almost indifferent. except they know Merlin and they know how his face looks when he sounds this way.

The god leans their head to one side slowly. the stone his vessel is made of groans.

"You are worthy, young warlock. More than you know. Into your hands i command my sword."

Suddenly, there is noise and light and they cover their eyes, everyone except for Merlin and Mordred.

They can't be sure but they think they can hear Merlin's voice through it all, speaking a foreign tongue. Then, it's over.

When the air clears, Merlin stands alone, the stone vessel of the god has crumbled to pieces, a big sword in his hand. For just a moment, when he turns around to face them, he looks nothing like Merlin at all. His eyes are golden, and his face is grim, lips pressed into a thin line. His posture is straight and majestic and he holds the sword like a warrior. His appearance strikes them with fear. He looks like power incarnate.

The others notice from the corners of their eyes that Mordred kneels before him. and even as they are completely bewildered, they have an urge to do the same.

The next moment though, it's all gone, and Merlin looks like he's never handled a sword before. His eyes are blue and his cheeks messy with dust and tears. He sinks to his knees and the weapon falls from his hands - is pushed from his fingers as if through magic, landing on the ground with a strange sound.

Merlin looks after the sword with disgust clear on his face. Then he looks up and suddenly he looks afraid.

To be continued

#merthur #magic reveal #merlin fanfic #merlin x arthur #merlin

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soukokuwu · 4 years

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heaven in hell

genre: fluff pairing: fyodor x reader warnings: some religious references/themes; bonus points if you can see who i projected them both as word count: 1.7k synopsis: you and fyodor go through thick and thin together. - requested by anonymous: fyodor with a childhood friend s/o who takes part in his murderous shenanigans — at one point she tells him: “it’s strange. when i’m with you, no matter how bad things get, i’m not afraid.”

White daffodils and crimson pomegranates.

Silk dresses and flower crowns.

That’s the sight that accompanied your beauty the first time he saw you. How old was he then? Eight? Nine? Somewhere there. He didn’t place much significance in that moment. How was he supposed to know then that you’d mean so much to him now?

The daughter of a wealthy family, someone who seemed to have everything. Everything but freedom. Even someone like you, who was constantly surrounded by people, must’ve felt lonely. The empty praises and fake kindness from those who surrounded you.

You hated it, Fyodor could see it. He had found you ravishing, and that was never a secret. That was what drew him in. At first. In all honesty he thought you’d be plain, a blank canvas in the mind, like a drone that only operated on commands.

But as he spoke to you that day, under the shade of the pomegranate trees, Fyodor found his expectations exceeded. The way you vocalised your opinions, the way you spoke of politics and disdain for the sinful nature of humanity. Then, only then, was Fyodor completely entranced.

Where he thought you grew flowers because you loved to see them grow, you admitted it was not; you liked to watch them fade and die. Like there was something worth admiring about a necessary death. A certain duality lived in you — like you could be the goddess of life, and yet at the same time, a ruler of all that was dead.

Fyodor found something in common with you that day. Both of you would kill for the sake of a better world, if only you had the means. That was the first time you spoke of him as that. It was when he confessed his perception of an ideal world — a world without ability users.

“Kill any one of them, that makes you a murderer,” you had commented once.

“But if I kill millions of them, that makes me a conqueror.”

You had turned toward him with a playful smirk then. “Kill all of them — that makes you a god.”

A wildflower — that was what he saw you as.

You grew from what you perceived as nothing. That house held no meaning, your choices were never actually yours to make and family was just an empty label tying blood relatives together. Where you used to be scared of going against your family, you stood up to them. Renounced everything they promised you, called them out for being nothing but self-fulfilling bastards.

You chose to run of your own accord, but that was not what your family spoke of. They spread rumours of how you had been seduced by evil, bribed by the demon, manipulated to leave your nest. They spoke of how you were stolen, not cast off. They were adamant on how you were dragged away from paradise and into hell. They omitted how you were the one who pounded on the its gates yourself just to escape the real devils parading as angels in their own personal form of ‘heaven’.

There was a sickness in them. Rising like the bile that leaves that bitter taste at the end of your throats. You hated it. And so you ran to him, to Fyodor, with only your hatred for such greed in tow. You had absolutely nothing. Yet ironically, with nothing to your name, you stumbled upon everything.

Whatever it was initially, it had bloomed into something more. Much akin to friendship on fire.

Only a beautiful soul such as yours would kiss the damned. That was how he viewed all ability users at first, and that included himself. But you? You didn’t have any — you were all human, pure, untainted, this way. You didn’t think of him as a damned being though. Much as you viewed certain deaths necessary, so were certain evils. And if Fyodor viewed himself as damned, you argued to put it to good use.

“You are not the devil, you are a god.”

You always reminded him of that. Until it was ingrained in his mind. And just like that, you became the most influential person in his life — the reason he does anything for the dream of a better world in the first place. Not only for himself, but also for you.

That’s why you followed him wherever he went. Fyodor deemed himself god and you were his one loyal, devoted follower. No — he viewed you as his goddess, one worthy of standing beside him as an equal. Although he does not say.

He was still doubtful you’d follow him away from Russia, leaving the safety of familiarity for foreign lands. Fyodor was preparing to leave you, to say farewell. But you showed up with your luggage in tow this time, carrying with you the smile he called home. He found it fascinating, how with each step toward him it’s like you brought springtime with you, and with each step away it felt more and more like winter. Lucky for him then, you’d always stick close to him.

You became his partner-in-crime, a goddess standing strong beside her god, the bride to his ruler of ‘hell’ (as they used to call him back at home — you were nothing like your parents though, you thought being with Fyodor was like heaven on earth), minus the deceptions because he could manipulate everyone, but he would never want to do that to you. Only you.

Every scheme, every murder. You had a hand in it. There were other subordinates, sure. But you were his right-hand man. There was no other he’d trust more than you. And you hid in the shadows, far deeper than any of them did.

But not for tomorrow. For tomorrow they needed a female. And you had volunteered.

Fyodor isn’t one to worry, much less one to admit it. Although you can always tell when something is off. Tonight is one of those times.

You’re on the balcony, looking out at the view before you. It’s a nightly routine for you, to stand here and just enjoy the song of the breeze, along with the choir of stars that blanketed the sky, seemingly endless. There’s something more tonight though — Fyodor. He’s right there behind you, bony, icy fingers nestling against your stomach, cheek resting against your back.

He’s the first to break the silence by calling your name.

“Yes, fedya?”

Fyodor exhales gently through his nose before he says anything, the warm air hitting the back of your neck now that he straightens up. “Мне так повезло́ тебя́ встре́тить,” he whispers in your ear.

He celebrates inwardly as he sees the smile creep up on your face. You’re trying not to grin silly, but you fail miserably the moment he leaves a chaste kiss on your earlobe. “I consider myself lucky to have met you too, Fyo.”

“Are you not worried, lyubimaya?”

He knows he is. He’s always preferred to keep you safe behind the screens, never let the enemy even know of your existence if he can help it. He’s not worried about whether you’re capable of carrying it out properly, no. He has the utmost confidence that you’re the best person for the job. As you did for the few previous times you had to help out. You’re intelligent, capable, tough. Perfectly able to kill anyone you had to. But you are also the only thing he is afraid of losing.

You turn around in his arms and cup his cheeks in your hands, giggling slightly as his cheeks grow rounder from being held. Your gaze shifts to his purple orbs, finding it endearing how you’re the only one who gets to see his hardened gazes melt into an earnest plea for answers.

Fyodor can’t help it; the way his vision wanders to your body — your torso. He only has to furrow his brow ever so slightly for you to know exactly what’s on his mind: the last time you went on a mission, how you had severely underestimated the enemy, how they had stabbed you and nearly killed you. Not a day goes by that Fyodor doesn’t think about it. The man is dead now, yes, but he can’t get the sight of your scar out of his mind. A reminder of how he had failed to protect you.

“It's strange. When I'm with you, no matter how bad things get, I'm not afraid.”

Your words snap him out of it. He swallows the lump in his throat. He appreciates your attempt at easing his worries, you can see that from the slight pink tainting his pale skin. His thumb rubs over the spot of your scar through your shirt.

They say that when you lose someone, you’ll only ever regret the things you don’t say. Is this what he’s feeling now? The taste of loss — however false it may have been now since you’re safe and alive — is still fresh on his tongue. Nothing will stop either of you from continuing with this. So maybe, this is the least he can do, isn’t it? Let you in? After all, you’ve been with him for as long as he can remember.

“Я хочу́ провести́ с тобо́й всю оста́вшуюся жизнь,” he mutters with a serious expression before he releases you from his embrace and turns around. “So you better not fail tomorrow.”

As he disappears back into the room, you lean back against the railing and smile to yourself. Over time you got used to his shows of affection. People who knew always commented on how he doesn’t show enough — but to you he shows plenty. Fyodor has never said he loves you. It’s always said in a roundabout way because that’s just who he is.

But what you heard earlier? That must be the best one yet.

“I want to spend the rest of my life with you too, Fyo,” you whisper after him into the night. Because you’ve never said you love him either. But just like you, he already knows.

tags: @yokelish @gogolparadise @fyowyn-writes

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broadwaybandito · 3 years

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I wanna take a moment to appreciate Thor’s character development because it’s so good and I feel like it’s overlooked.

He starts out, in “Thor,” as an arrogant prince. Thirsting for war and power- much like Odin did before changing his ways and casting out Hela. He is reckless and stupid, getting he and his friends into trouble. Odin has enough of this and exiles him to earth. This is, of course, where his development takes place. He is humbled in his time on earth, learning to accept himself without the powers of Mjolnir, and taking time to appreciate the smaller things that life has to offer. Fulfillment isn’t granted by how many riches one owns or realms they conquer- it’s granted through love for those around you. By the end of this journey he has changed, and he is willing to sacrifice himself for the sake of people that aren’t even his subjects. Once he gets back to Asgard he fights Loki not because he craves battle, but because it’s the only way to protect everyone. Thor learns to protect people that aren’t his responsibility- Jotunnheim, earthlings- and in doing so risks his own life. He sacrifices his life to protect the people of earth, and destroys the bifrost to keep the frost giants from going extinct. The Frost giants are the very people that Thor had sought to destroy at the beginning of the movie. Over the course of it, Thor became worthy. Who once was arrogant and reckless becomes became humble and selfless.

This change prepares Thor for his next big journey in “The Avengers” which brings him to save earth from Loki once again- only this time the whole planet instead of a small town. By this time Thor has already changed a lot- as I just covered. His next character improvement? Teamwork. Though Thor’s obviously fought alongside friends before- the Avengers are different. Frankly, they’re a mess. Just a bunch of broken people with powers strong enough to save the world. Thor’s completely different from all of them- he’s from a whole other planet. Now he has to join them to fight his own brother. Not to mention the fact that he has to cope with the fact that he had believed Loki to be dead, only for him to come back hellbent on taking over a planet that Thor had grown to love. Yet Thor adapts and perseveres like he always does. He befriends this chaotic group of heroes- and though it takes a while, it pays off. The all work together beautifully by the end of the movie, and have formed an alliance that will be very important to Thor’s story going further.

In “Thor: The Dark World” Thor goes through a lot of character development. Truthfully, I overlook this fact a lot, considering that out of the Thor movies it’s probably the one that I watch the least, and the one I think of last when thinking about character development. However, it is crucial to setting the stage for both “Avengers: Age of Ultron” and “Thor: Ragnarok.” In this movie Thor has to learn that sometimes the right thing to do is to disobey orders. He goes rogue a bit- even resorting to getting Loki out of prison. Yet it manages to work out in the end. Thor suffers from the guilt of not being there in time to save his mother, Frigga, from the dark elves. This guilt drives him to realize that he can’t let anyone else die like Frigga did- pushing him to take risks and disobey Odin in order to stop the dark elves. Frigga’s death is also what leads to Thor and Loki working to mend their relationship. It’s because Thor needs Loki’s help that he gets him out of jail. Yes, Loki fakes his death again. Yes, they argue a lot. But at the end of the day they’re brothers. Brothers who have just lost their mother. And this brings them back together, working to restore their bond. Trusting Loki is a huge risk for Thor. He’s sacrificing everything to go after the dark elves. He’s putting the protection of Asgard over his own needs- and he learns to bend the rules to do what’s right. Odin may have forbidden Thor from going after the dark elves, but Thor disobeys his father and commits treason to save Asgard. And it works- the dark elves are stop. Thor’s actions, disobeying Odin, freeing Loki- no matter how risky, they paid off. By the end of this movie, Thor has totally let go of his ambition for the throne. He’s offered it, but refuses. His adventures thus far have taught him that he doesn’t need the throne- only to protect those that need help. That’s his purpose. This brings us to “Age of Ultron.”

“Age of Ultron” is a an important change of direction for Thor. Wanda’s hallucinations play a key role in his story going further. We see that he fears Asgard’s destruction- and that he may be responsible for it. He decides to investigate further. He discovers the infinity stones, and thus tasks himself with finding them. This is big for Thor because moving forward, he will be spending the next two years looking for the stones. This search for the infinity stones brings Thor to his greatest time character development thus far.

”Thor: Ragnarok” is a huge turning point for Thor. After a two year search for the infinity stones, Thor learns that Asgard’s destruction may be imminent after all, despite all of his preparation. It doesn’t help that his brother had faked his death yet again, his father dies, he has an evil sister that’s just been unleashed, Mjolnir is destroyed, and he’s flung to another planet where he’s made a prisoner. Meanwhile, most of his people on Asgard are being slaughtered. This leaves Thor with a feeling of hopelessness. He feels utterly powerless- especially without the powers of Mjolnir. However, throughout this movie, Thor discovers that he doesn’t need Mjolnir to harness his powers. It was simply a tool to assist him. He is strong enough without it. He learns to better understand and wield his powers. He also learns to embrace his responsibility as king of Asgard- not because he craves the throne, but because his people need him. Finally, he learns to face the destruction of Asgard itself, something he’d been trying so hard to stop, for the sake of protecting his people. This is something incredibly difficult for him to face- something he surely blames himself for- yet he does what he has to do to protect his people.

“Avengers: Infinity War” is unfortunately much more of a downwards spiral for our hero. It starts off with Thanos wrecking Thor’s ship and leaving most of the Asgardians to die in space- as well as killing his best friend, Heimdall, and his brother, Loki. Thor makes it his mission to get Stormbreaker, a deadly weapon, so that he can avenge his people and prevent anyone else from dying. He has to- he has nothing left. However, despite all of his efforts, Thanos still wins- and Thor feels like it’s all his fault.

This guilt brings Thor to his low point in “Endgame.” He struggles with the belief that the failure in “Infinity War” is his fault, all because he didn’t “go for the head.” His entire family is dead, and so are most of his subjects considering Thanos murdered many of them, including Loki and Heimdall, even before half of the universe got wiped out. This leaves Thor in a state of self-hatred, depression, and PTSD. Not a good mental state for someone being tasked with once again saving the universe. However, as he always does, he steps up to the plate and gets the job done for the sake of his people. If he can’t bring back the ones that never made it to earth in the first place, he can at least save the people that died in the snap. And after a talk with his deceased mother(through the power of time travel) Thor is motivated to pull himself together, get the reality stone, and face Thanos. And he does. He makes it out from the rockiest place he’s ever been and plays a critical role in helping saving the universe. He’s a mess and he feels like a failure, but he still manages to push through all of his pain and suffering to protect other people- because his whole life his priorities lay with putting other people first. His guilt has dragged him down- the knowledge that he’s still alive when so many people that he had dedicated his life to protecting are dead burdens him. Yet at the end of the day, he always rises up again. Why? Because that’s what heroes do.

#marvel #marvel cinematic universe #mcu #thor god of thunder #thor #thor odinson #thor ragnarok #thor the dark world #the avengers #avengers age of ultron #avengers endgame #avengers infinity war #character analysis #writing

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