#all this from basic eyeball problems who knew
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While the finer points of running a social media business can be debated, one basic truth is that they all run on attention. Tech leaders are incentivized to grow their user bases so there are more people looking at more ads for more time. It’s just good business.
As the owner of Twitter, Elon Musk presumably shared that goal. But he claimed he hadn’t bought Twitter to make money. This freed him up to focus on other passions: stopping rival tech companies from scraping Twitter’s data without permission—even if it meant losing eyeballs on ads.
Data-scraping was a known problem at Twitter. “Scraping was the open secret of Twitter data access. We knew about it. It was fine,” Yoel Roth wrote on the Twitter alternative Bluesky. AI firms in particular were notorious for gobbling up huge swaths of text to train large language models. Now that those firms were worth a lot of money, the situation was far from fine, in Musk’s opinion.
In November 2022, OpenAI debuted ChatGPT, a chatbot that could generate convincingly human text. By January 2023, the app had over 100 million users, making it the fastest growing consumer app of all time. Three months later, OpenAI secured another round of funding that closed at an astounding valuation of $29 billion, more than Twitter was worth, by Musk’s estimation.
OpenAI was a sore subject for Musk, who’d been one of the original founders and a major donor before stepping down in 2018 over disagreements with the other founders. After ChatGPT launched, Musk made no secret of the fact that he disagreed with the guardrails that OpenAI put on the chatbot to stop it from relaying dangerous or insensitive information. “The danger of training AI to be woke—in other words, lie—is deadly,” Musk said on December 16, 2022. He was toying with starting a competitor.
Near the end of June 2023, Musk launched a two-part offensive to stop data scrapers, first directing Twitter employees to temporarily block “logged out view.” The change would mean that only people with Twitter accounts could view tweets.
“Logged out view” had a complicated history at Twitter. It was rumored to have played a part in the Arab Spring, allowing dissidents to view tweets without having to create a Twitter account and risk compromising their anonymity. But it was also an easy access point for people who wanted to scrape Twitter data.
Once Twitter made the change, Google was temporarily blocked from crawling Twitter and serving up relevant tweets in search results—a move that could negatively impact Twitter’s traffic. “We’re aware that our ability to crawl Twitter.com has been limited, affecting our ability to display tweets and pages from the site in search results,” Google spokesperson Lara Levin told The Verge. “Websites have control over whether crawlers can access their content.” As engineers discussed possible workarounds on Slack, one wrote: “Surely this was expected when that decision was made?”
Then engineers detected an “explosion of logged in requests,” according to internal Slack messages, indicating that data scrapers had simply logged in to Twitter to continue scraping. Musk ordered the change to be reversed.
On July 1, 2023, Musk launched part two of the offensive. Suddenly, if a user scrolled for just a few minutes, an error message popped up. “Sorry, you are rate limited,” the message read. “Please wait a few moments then try again.”
Rate limiting is a strategy that tech companies use to constrain network traffic by putting a cap on the number of times a user can perform a specific action within a given time frame (a mouthful, I know). It’s often used to stop bad actors from trying to hack into people’s accounts. If a user tries an incorrect password too many times, they see an error message and are told to come back later. The cost of doing this to someone who has forgotten their password is low (most people stay logged in), while the benefit to users is very high (it prevents many people’s accounts from getting compromised).
Except, that wasn’t what Musk had done. The rate limit that he ordered Twitter to roll out on July 1 was an API limit, meaning Twitter had capped the number of times users could refresh Twitter to look for new tweets and see ads. Rather than constrain users from performing a specific action, Twitter had limited all user actions. “I realize these are draconian rules,” a Twitter engineer wrote on Slack. “They are temporary. We will reevaluate the situation tomorrow.”
At first, Blue subscribers could see 6,000 posts a day, while nonsubscribers could see 600 (enough for just a few minutes of scrolling), and new nonsubscriber accounts could see just 300. As people started hitting the limits, #TwitterDown started trending on, well, Twitter. “This sucks dude you gotta 10X each of these numbers,” wrote user @tszzl.
The impact quickly became obvious. Companies that used Twitter direct messages as a customer service tool were unable to communicate with clients. Major creators were blocked from promoting tweets, putting Musk’s wish to stop data scrapers at odds with his initiative to make Twitter more creator friendly. And Twitter’s own trust and safety team was suddenly stopped from seeing violative tweets.
Engineers posted frantic updates in Slack. “FYI some large creators complaining because rate limit affecting paid subscription posts,” one said.
Christopher Stanley, the head of information security, wrote with dismay that rate limits could apply to people refreshing the app to get news about a mass shooting or a major weather event. “The idea here is to stop scrapers, not prevent people from obtaining safety information,” he wrote. Twitter soon raised the limits to 10,000 (for Blue subscribers), 1,000 (for nonsubscribers), and 500 (for new nonsubscribers). Now, 13 percent of all unverified users were hitting the rate limit.
Users were outraged. If Musk wanted to stop scrapers, surely there were better ways than just cutting off access to the service for everyone on Twitter.
“Musk has destroyed Twitter’s value & worth,” wrote attorney Mark S. Zaid. “Hubris + no pushback—customer empathy—data = a great way to light billions on fire,” wrote former Twitter product manager Esther Crawford, her loyalties finally reversed.
Musk retweeted a joke from a parody account: “The reason I set a ‘View Limit’ is because we are all Twitter addicts and need to go outside.”
Aside from Musk, the one person who seemed genuinely excited about the changes was Evan Jones, a product manager on Twitter Blue. For months, he’d been sending executives updates regarding the anemic signup rates. Now, Blue subscriptions were skyrocketing. In May, Twitter had 535,000 Blue subscribers. At $8 per month, this was about $4.2 million a month in subscription revenue. By early July, there were 829,391 subscribers—a jump of about $2.4 million in revenue, not accounting for App Store fees.
“Blue signups still cookin,” he wrote on Slack above a screenshot of the signup dashboard.
Jones’s team capitalized on the moment, rolling out a prompt to upsell users who’d hit the rate limit and encouraging them to subscribe to Twitter Blue. In July, this prompt drove 1.7 percent of the Blue subscriptions from accounts that were more than 30 days old and 17 percent of the Blue subscriptions from accounts that were less than 30 days old.
Twitter CEO Linda Yaccarino was notably absent from the conversation until July 4, when she shared a Twitter blog post addressing the rate limiting fiasco, perhaps deliberately burying the news on a national holiday.
“To ensure the authenticity of our user base we must take extreme measures to remove spam and bots from our platform,” it read. “That’s why we temporarily limited usage so we could detect and eliminate bots and other bad actors that are harming the platform. Any advance notice on these actions would have allowed bad actors to alter their behavior to evade detection.” The company also claimed the “effects on advertising have been minimal.”
If Yaccarino’s role was to cover for Musk’s antics, she was doing an excellent job. Twitter rolled back the limits shortly after her announcement. On July 12, Musk debuted a generative AI company called xAI, which he promised would develop a language model that wouldn’t be politically correct. “I think our AI can give answers that people may find controversial even though they are actually true,” he said on Twitter Spaces.
Unlike the rival AI firms he was trying to block, Musk said xAI would likely train on Twitter’s data.
“The goal of xAI is to understand the true nature of the universe,” the company said grandly in its mission statement, echoing Musk’s first, disastrous town hall at Twitter. “We will share more information over the next couple of weeks and months.”
In November 2023, xAI launched a chatbot called Grok that lacked the guardrails of tools like ChatGPT. Musk hyped the release by posting a screenshot of the chatbot giving him a recipe for cocaine. The company didn’t appear close to understanding the nature of the universe, but per haps that’s coming.
Excerpt adapted from Extremely Hardcore: Inside Elon Musk’s Twitter by Zoë Schiffer. Published by arrangement with Portfolio Books, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. Copyright © 2024 by Zoë Schiffer.
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So... you've gotten down the basics for converting objects from Sims 4 to Sims 2 and now you're ready for something just a little more complicated. If that tiny, little complication is called glass, this tutorial is for you.
Full disclosure once more. I am not an expert in... well... anything. I can convert items with glass, however. This is how I do it. There are probably better, more technical ways to do it, but I don't claim to know them. I am all about the best possible result for the least amount of effort. That's what I'll be teaching here. If that's what you're looking for too... Keep reading! Also, bonus end table download at the end!
For the purposes of this tutorial, I'm going to be converting the "Attention-Worthy End Table" from Growing Together. This tutorial is going to assume you have the necessary programs for converting (Sims 4 Studio, Blender, Milkshape, and SimPE), that you have a rough idea how to use them, and that you already know the basics of extracting a mesh and textures from Sims 4 Studio.
Step One - Separate the mesh and the Glass in Blender.
By playing with the eyeball next to each of the s4studio_mesh_#'s, we know what each of the layers is responsible for. I'm going to go ahead and discard the shadow layer so I'm left with the two parts of my mesh.
Like so. Now we need to isolate and extract the metal part of the mesh and the glass part of the mesh. To do this, I'm going to start by deleting the metal part of the mesh (s4studio_mesh_1), which leaves me with:
Export the glass portion of the mesh by going to File > Export > Wavefront (.obj).
Remember to uncheck "Write Materials" then change the filename to "glass" and hit Export OBJ. Once the object has been exported, it will take you back to the screen with the lonely glass layer.
Press Ctrl-Z. This will undo the deletion of the metal layer. This time, delete the glass layer of the mesh (s4studio_mesh_2). You'll be left with just the metal portion of the mesh.
Go to File > Export > Wavefront (.obj).
If you unchecked "Write Materials" with the glass, you won't need to uncheck it again. Just adjust the save name to "metal" this time, and hit Export OBJ.
Do not just hide the layers. You must delete them each individually just like this. If you hide a layer and export it, the resulting .obj file will not recognize that a layer is hidden and just treat it as a fused object, with glass and metal all as one. You'd either have to start over in Blender and separate the mesh out like this anyway, or try to separate it in Milkshape, and speaking as someone who has done that before I knew any better, it's a lot of pointless and unnecessary work that goes wrong more often than it goes right. So long as you do it as laid out above, you won't have a problem.
At this point, you can close Blender and delete the blender file that Sims 4 Studio created.
Step Two - Launch SimPE and clone an endtable.
At this point in time, you have two options. You can choose to clone an endtable that already has a glass part to it (like the Gliteri & Co. Trieste End Table from the Base Game, for example) or you can clone an endtable that does not.
Cloning an object with a glass part to it already will mean there's less to adjust in SimPE. There's already going to be a "glass" layer in your GMDC, SHPE, TXMT, and MMAT, so all you're going to have to do is replace the preexisting glass with your new one after you've taken it to through Milkshape.
The downside to this method is not everything you could be converting has a Sims 2 equivalent with a glass section to it. Or it might not have a base game equivalent, if you care about making your conversions base game compatible.
So, for the purposes of this tutorial, I'm not going to clone the Gliteri & Co. Trieste End Table, so I can teach you how to add a glass section when none exists to begin with.
I'm going to clone the "Curvaceous Colonial End Table," because why the heck not? This is a one-subset end table from the base game.
After I've cloned the end table and let it load, I'm going to do all the stuff I'd normally do for any other object. Give it a new, unique GUID. Adjust the category placement if I need to. Quartertile enable if I want to. Then, I'll replace the old texture with my Sims 4 texture. If you have a question about any of this, you can find the detailed instructions in my previous tutorial.
Step Three - Extract the old mesh for Milkshape.
Highlight Geometric Data Container (GMDC) in the Resource Tree, click on the name in the Resource List, and make sure the box next to your mesh is checked. Click export. I don't rename this mesh, but you can give it a name like "old mesh" or something similar if it helps you keep track of what is what.
Do not check the boxes next to any shadows. When loaded in Milkshape, they just come up as a bunch of large, unnecessary squares surrounding your object that are going to get in the way or end up being deleted anyway.
While I'm on it, you can delete shadows from an object permanently by going into the "Groups" tab on this window.
Once on the "Group" tab, highlight the shadow you want to delete, click delete, then click commit. You can also remove them from the SHPE, TXMT, and TXTR (it will reduce file size very, very, very slightly if you do so), but so long as you remove them from the GMDC, there will be no shadow in game.
I don't play with shadows on personally, so I'm never very concerned about keeping them when they don't already match the object I'm converting. My advice on this and any other Sims 2 topic is always going to be: DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU AND YOUR GAMEPLAY.
Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming....
Step Four - Import the Meshes into Milkshape.
I always start with the mesh I'm replacing. Go to File > Import > Wavefront OBJ... and select your mesh you just exported in SimPE.
If we click on the "Groups" tab, we see this mesh has a name of "table."
Now, go to File > Import > Wavefront OBJ... and select your "metal" mesh you exported from blender.
In the "Groups" tab, it's going to be given an automatic name of "default." In any two-part mesh like a mesh with a glass part, we need to change the name to anything other than default before loading the next part of mesh. If you don't, when you import the glass, it too will be named "default," and Milkshape will kind of fuse them back together because they both have the same name.
Highlight "default" under the Groups tab. Down under the Group panel, type a new name for "default" next to the button that says "Rename." In this instance, I've named this part of the mesh "metal." Once you've given it a new name, click on Rename. That will officially rename that part of the mesh.
Now we can add the glass part of the mesh. Go to File > Import > Wavefront OBJ... and select the "glass" portion of your mesh.
Just as you did for the metal portion, go ahead and rename the glass portion "glass." It'll make it easier to keep track of all the different parts going on right now.
Once you have the three different meshes all labeled differently, go to Face > Smooth All.
Step Five - Line Up the Meshes
While still in the "Groups" tab, in the list of each layer at the top, highlight "metal" and choose Select.
Once you've Selected the metal part, highlight "glass" and choose Select.
As you can now see, the Sims 4 mesh is all-around smaller than the Sims 2 mesh. For objects to be placed properly on the end table and not be floating oddly above it, we need the tops of the tables to be even. We can make this happen by changing the size of the Sims 4 table.
Highlight the "Model" tab and choose "Scale."
A panel will open at the bottom of the Model window with options for changing the scale of your selection (with the selection being the red parts highlighted). X will impact the mesh's width (side to side), Y will impact the mesh's height (up and down), and Z will impact the mesh's depth (front to back). Whenever possible, it's best to increase or decrease the scale evenly across all three to maintain original proportions, but it's also not strictly necessary. Again, do what looks best to you.
Whether I'm increasing or decreasing the scale, I usually set it to 1.01. It makes for a very gradual increase, but there's less of a chance of overshooting my mark and then having to decrease the size. Once you've entered your numbers for the X, Y, and Z, click the Scale button beside them to watch the mesh get bigger (or smaller, if your values are less than 1) until you have it the size you want.
For me, my 1.01, and this end table, eight clicks of the Scale button was perfect.
Highlight "Move," then click and drag your Sims 4 mesh up so the tops and bottoms of both end table align.
Step Six - Export your mesh parts.
Go back over to the "Groups" tab. Highlight "table" in the list and choose "Delete." Now you should only have "metal" and "glass" in the list. Go to File > Export > Wavefront OBJ... And save a file. I name this combined file "mesh," but you can call it whatever you want or override one of your previous files.
You can now close Milkshape.
Step Seven - Import your mesh to SimPE.
On the Mesh Group Importer window, both the glass and metal parts need to be accounted for. The "glass" layer is going to be a new layer, so we're going to leave the "Action" on "Add." Do not click OK yet.
Highlight "metal." Change the Action to "Replace." When the new drop-down menu pops up, choose "table."
Click OK.
When it goes back to the GMDC's Generic Rcol Editor, click "Commit."
Step Eight - Add the new mesh part to the SHPE.
Highlight Shape (SHPE) in the Resource Tree. Highlight the name of your SHPE file under the resource list. Highlight "table" in the window that appears and choose "add."
This is going to create a duplicate "table" in the list. Highlight one, and change both the Subset Name and the bit at the end of the Material Definition File following the ]_ to glass. Then click Commit.
Step Nine - Save your file, then close it.
Step Ten - Find the glass you want for your glass element.
In the Sims 2, glass is seldom actually an image/TXTR file. Instead, it's a series of numbers and commas and settings and just general weirdness in a TXMT file. It's not really something that's recolored (hence why we don't need it to be its own subset most of the time), but there are different "shades" (for lack of a better word) of it out there.
You're probably most familiar with it when it comes to the windows in the game. Some windows have like a blue glass tint. Others are more gray. Some have kind of a shiny effect while others are flat. Chances are there is a glass you especially like and that you have in mind for your project.
If it's a specific Maxis glass, go back to the Object Workshop in SimPE and make a clone of the object that has the glass you want. You don't need to give it a new name or description, nor a genuine save name, you just need the file to load. If you like a glass from a piece of CC, just open that file in SimPE.
For the purposes of this tutorial, I'm going to use my own conversion of the Oh-So-Fine China Hutch from Discover University (it can be found here).
Once I load the file in SimPE, under the Resource Tree, I'm going to choose Material Definition (TXMT). Then I'm going to highlight the "glass" file in the list. Right-click and choose "Extract" and "Save."
And now you can go ahead and close out of (or delete if you made a Maxis clone) that file.
Step Eleven - Add the TXMT to your file.
Open your conversion file again.
Choose Material Definition (TXMT) under the resource tree, then in the ResourceList panel, right-click on an empty space and choose Add.
Select the file you just extracted. It will likely have a weird name consisting of a bunch of numbers and a few letters thrown in. Choose open.
Once it's loaded in the panel, click on and highlight any of the other lines of the TXMT. Once they've loaded in the Plugin View, highlight and copy (Ctrl-C) the first part of its filename.
Highlight the "glass" TXMT that you just added. Paste (Ctrl-V) the name you just copied in front of the _glass_txmt.
Click Commit.
IMPORTANT NOTE - If the glass TXMT that you extracted does not have an ending of _glass_txmt, change it as well to _glass_txmt. If you don't want to change it to _glass_txmt and would rather leave it as-is, you need to go back to the SHPE file and alter the glass layer to point to whatever you have it named.
STEP TWELVE - Fix Integrity. I cannot emphasize this enough. FIX INTEGRITY. Tools > Object Tools > Fix Integrity.
Save your file. And you're done.
At this point, you can make your recolors or load up your game and check out the finished product.
A Few Notes - If you cloned an item that already has a glass part, basically once you finish the Milkshape part, when importing your mesh to SimPE, Replace both the mesh part and the glass part with the glass portion of the mesh, and you're done. Fix integrity, save, and you're good to go. You don't need to adjust anything in the SHPE or TXMT.
If you're converting an object that has a custom glass with an image (I converted a coffee table from High School Years that had a rainbow-y, actual-image glass), when importing it, use DXT5Format for the best results. Also, make sure the TXMT file has the stdMatAlphaBlendMode set to "blend" instead of "none."
BONUS - Download the Attention-Worthy End Table
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Neil Sabatino (Pencey Prep) Interview
Feb 17, 2021
Neil Sabatino, former guitarist in Pencey Prep, lead singer of Fairmont, and founder of Mint400 Records, was gracious enough to listen to our Pencey Prep episode and answer any and all questions we had! He was able to tell us some incredible anecdotes from his time in the band, from the recording process to his thoughts on the record today.
My Chemical Fancast: Can you tell us your story of how you ended up in Pencey?
Neil Sabatino: So I was in a punk band that played a lot with Frank's band Sector 12, he knew me for a couple years because I would book his band on shows and I always was the business person for my band band at the time. He heard I left that band and gave me a call to see if I wanted to join Pencey Prep like a month or two after he had started it. I was friends with Frank and his bandmate in Sector 12 Bruno so I was happy to join because at the time I was not in a band.
This episode (of podcast This Was The Scene) covers when I left the band in August 2001 to start the band Fairmont. It’s a little long but it’s basically the catalyst that lead to the band ending. I was in the band from summer 2000 through summer 2001. By that time we had written all of Heartbreak In Stereo, we had also started work on the second Pencey Prep album, which would have had the songs Home, Heroin Slow, Rebuilding Home, and Lock On The Second Floor Door. The second two I just ended up making different versions of and putting them on Fairmont’s first album. Once I left the band had been itching to be a little bit heavier so they wrote Attention Reader, Death of The Lionheart and a few others within the 9 months before they officially broke up. What led to the actual final shows was Tim was having knee problems and could not tour or play drums for extended periods of time. Frank had also been playing in My Chemical Romance for months by that point and Hambone was asked to join Sleep Station so it just made sense to call it quits then. Frank, Hambone and Shaun also did a short lived Pencey reunion as I Am A Graveyard with Ray Toro on guitar and Frank just sang. I believe that was only for a few shows or one show because MCR had started to take off and they were the opener for at least one MCR show in NJ at club Krome. Hambone and Shaun played together a little in a band that later formed called The Hostage a few years later. Then Hambone joined Fairmont for 2 albums (Hell Is Other People and Wait & Hope). After that Hambone joined Frank for some touring with Leathermouth. That’s been the extent of collaborations.
MCF: How did you decide on the cover art for the album?
NS: We actually had this really great painting of a robot that was supposed to be the cover, it was a piece I made that was hanging in my kitchen but the owner of Eyeball thought it looked too close to The Get Up Kids album that had come out a year earlier and told us to come up with something different. I think I brought like 4 or 5 drawings to Frank and he picked the one he liked best. I definitely did it rather quickly and didn’t give much thought to it. We basically only had a few days to figure the situation out.
MCF: There's some confusion among fans regarding who wrote which lyrics. Would you be able to shed light on who crafted the lyrics and/or what that writing process was like?
NS: The very first songs that were Pencey Prep songs were 8th Grade and The Secret Goldfish. Those were kind of stripped down and really raw on the original demo which was called “Trying To Escape The Inevitable” (We liked that name, hence using it later on as a song title). The original demo has no lead guitar parts and the whole ending of Secret Goldfish didn’t come about until later when I joined. Those two were written by Frank as Sector 12 was ending. That first version of Secret Goldfish had Bruno Rocha from Sector 12 singing on it because originally Frank didn’t really want to sing.
Next we did 2 songs in the studio after we had been together for about 4 months, which were Yesterday and Lloyd Dobbler. Yesterday was just a 2 chord punk song before we started working on it as a band but that also was all Frank. Lloyd Dobbler was written by Hambone but he couldn’t really play it well so on the album I played all the guitars on it and Shaun just added some piano. I would say all the piano was written 50% by me and 50% by Frank which is why occasionally it overlaps and plays the same things as the guitar does on the album.
The first tracks I brought to the band were Ten Rings and 19, which I co-wrote the lyrics with Frank. Usually I would come up with the chorus or pre-chorus and he would flesh out the verses. Early versions of Ten Rings were weird. 19 spawned from the piano part which I wrote at a practice and it’s mostly lyrics about a break up I was going through at the time. Ten Rings was more about Frank’s situation with an ex that cheated on him but was still keeping tabs on him. I think we both fictionalized parts of each song to make them better.
Don Quixote, PS Don’t Write and Florida Plates were three of the Hambone songs that he wrote when he was younger but they were completely restructured music wise as he wrote them originally just on an acoustic guitar and we now had a five piece band playing them. I know Frank and I consciously wanted to have that At The Drive In playing back forth lead type thing going on with the guitars.
The last songs we finished were all musically written by me: Trying To Escape The Inevitable, Home, Heroin Slow, but Trying to Escape was Hambones lyrics about a situation a friend of his was in and yes that’s Hambone doing the talking part. Heroin Slow was all Frank’s lyrics, we used to jokingly tell him it sounded like he was saying Carl Winslow (From the show Family Matters) in the chorus. Then Home was again Frank’s verses and my chorus lyrics. But let me tell you, I believe that is the most personal song he has ever written, if you knew his whole situation that song was his story at 19. We had two other very complete songs that never got recorded. One had no title but was heavy like Trying To Escape The Inevitable and the other was called Lock On The Second Floor Door and was the 3rd song I was singing with Pencey in addition to Fat & Alone and Rebuilding Home. We had 2 other songs that got thrown away much earlier that didn’t fit with the rest of the set but that was about all we wrote in that first year.
MCF: Who recorded the spoken part in "Trying to Escape the Inevitable?”
NS: That was Hambone. John Naclerio who owned the recording studio did the backing on Secret Goldfish. Bruno Rocha from Sector 12 who was in Pencey for a few months is the backing on Yesterday.
I am the backing vocal on the chorus of 19 and I sing Fat & Alone, Frank is the backing vocal on Fat & Alone, yes the high parts too. The Cartman impression at the end is Tim the drummer. At the top of the song the “Fat & Alone” that you guys say sounds Canadian or something is me - my wife is from Minnesota so I kind of have that Norweigan twang sometimes. The guy talking that says 5/29/01 take 1 is Antonio Valenti who owned the studio where we did Fat & Alone, Heroin Slow, Home, Rebuilding Home and Secret Goldfish Acoustic.
MCF: Were there any bands or albums that served as a main source of inspiration for Heartbreak?
NS: We seriously had like 10 records on repeat for every single drive and they were:
The Get Up Kids – Something To Write Home About
At The Drive In – Relationship Of Command
Saves The Day – Stay What You Are
System Of A Down – Toxicity
Dashboard Confessional – Swiss Army Romance
Hot Rod Circuit- If I Knew What I knew Then
The Anniversary – Designing A Nervous Breakdown
Jimmy Eat World – Bleed American
Weezer – Pinkerton
The Get Up Kids – Seven Minute Mile
We listened to other stuff but these discs were constantly played for every drive to anywhere and on like 10 mixtapes that made the circles around the band. I was into slightly more indie and older stuff like The Pixies. Hambone loved The Replacements, Husker Du and The Misfits but Frank usually vetoed that stuff and I think even threw Hambone’s Misfits CD out of the van on the one tour. Tim loved metal so we would put in the System of A Down CD to appease him and Shaun always liked the more obscure emo stuff like Knapsack, Mineral and Jimmy Eat World (who were obscure then). That list above though was what we all agreed on and that was mostly what Frank was listening to aside from punk stuff like Bouncing Souls, Screeching Weasel, etc.
MCF: Can you tell us about your songwriting process/thoughts behind the masterpiece, “Fat and Alone?” How did this gem come to be?
NS: I think Shaun and Frank were chanting Fat & Alone and it was a directed insult at someone and I just thought the phrase was funny and I was dabbling in singing my first couple of songs at the time and it just kind of happened. We definitely thought it was funny and pretty catchy. We also loved the idea of a hidden track. However fast forward 20 years and it’s kind of insensitive and immature and the guys wanted to leave it off of the album going forward. Which, if it was perceived as an insult towards anyone, I am on board with it not being out there. You can find it if you really want to on Youtube. When I personally sat down to write it, it was actually more me thinking of how I was a fat little teenager and was more self-deprecating, but I was pretty thin when I was in Pencey so who was going to believe me? For any big boned people who take it on as an anthem, I’m right there with you, it was written by a fat kid for fat kids. I have been on a diet since 1997 so that I can stay an average weight.
MCF: Can you talk about your experience recording this album, from the basement to the studio?
NS: Well, we did it in pieces basically. When we first started we knew we were working towards creating this album “Heartbreak In Stereo”. I don’t even know how we came up with that name, it’s like it just appeared to us and we were looking to make 10 songs that reflected North NJ teenage heartbreak in the year 2000. We were all miserable single dudes who played music non-stop. We had like 7 hour practice sessions and really got so much better in a short period of time. By December 2000 we had played about 5 shows and thought Yesterday was the most ready to record and that Lloyd Dobbler would be an easy just throw it in there if we have time type track.
That initial 2 song demo was what we pitched to get signed but we basically told them, with or without you we are making this 10 song record. Originally we were supposed to be on Frank’s dad’s label Black Ball Music (He worked there, didn’t own it), which was in California, but we were too impatient to wait to see if they were going to fund it and we moved on. This is why a lot of the early promo stuff says Black Ball Music on it. In May we went to a local studio to do the demos of the stuff we knew would not be part of the album but we wanted to get them on tape, that was Heroin Slow, Home, Rebuilding Home, Fat & Alone, and Secret Goldfish Acoustic. By June we decided we were finishing the album no matter what at the same studio we did the 2 song demo at (Nada Recording). We finished the other 8 songs rather quickly and thanks to Alan Douches at West West Side Mastering everything we had recorded, 15 songs all sound cohesive because of the job he did.
I have been in many bands over the years and I can tell you the work ethic and how we constructed that one record was very intricate and more well thought out than something usually associated with teenagers and some early 20 somethings. We really cared about every detail of the recording and the story and vibe and what the listener is going to take away from it.
MCF: Since we are an MCR podcast, what was your impression of My Chemical Romance in their early days?
NS: When I first heard “Vampires Will Never Hurt You” I was so damn mad that it wasn’t something I had come up with. At the time when those guys had first started I had been kicked out of Pencey Prep and hated the owner of Eyeball Records with every fiber of my being. But I think by 2003 Hambone called me to wish me happy birthday and I had also run into Frank at a show soon after that and we all put any hate behind us (not for Eyeball though, I still hate that fucking creep). I was really happy for Frank, I had known him since he was 17. I knew Mikey because he hung around with Pencey when I was in the band and the other guys were super nice.
I met everyone at Hambone’s house at a Thanksgiving thing early on right as they were about to get signed or were signed. I got to open up for them at the Loop Lounge, they played acoustic at like 2am. They also had let my band hang out back stage at a show in like 2005. Every time I ever ran into any of those guys they were always so nice and whenever I read something like how the band did something pro-LGBQT, pro-feminist, anti-racist it made me proud of the fact there is some small connection from my band to their band through Pencey Prep.
When they first started I remember hearing Headfirst For Halos on the college radio station and I really understood what kids saw in them. They had this really raw hyperactivity about them and in their music that was quite viral. The thing was at that time most of Jersey was just punk and power pop, they were different because they were taking like the cool goth elements of The Cure, Joy Division, Bauhaus, and punk-ifying it.
MCF: What's one (or two) of your favorite memories from your time in the band?
NS: When I first joined the band all of us were single. We would play in Frank’s basement until his Mom made us leave, like it got past the 9pm curfew and we’d head over to this basketball court that the band referred to as Boystown and we’d play a game or two and then head to the North Arlington diner. The end of summer 2000 and that same routine for a few weeks is what Heartbreak In Stereo is all about. The core essence of the album was formulated all in that few weeks.
MCF: You’ve continued to play in bands and work in the industry. With that experience under your belt, how do you feel about the record now so many years later?
NS: I still think it’s a fun record. I couldn’t write that record without having been in that place and time with those guys. When you are in a band it’s total compromise of visions that everyone else has for what it should be. At the time I was dying to move on and do my own thing and I think the other guys too wanted to eventually branch out and do their own things without compromise. But looking back that experience and hearing it now, I get why people have latched onto it as kind of a cult record.
I think we weren’t idiots or anything, we said some things and had some ideas that were very poetically stated. I think that is why the whole Catcher In The Rye thing works so well for this release, it’s connection to a book about lost innocence and it’s a record about exactly that from three perspectives. From Frank the teenager who just had his heart ripped out by his first big love. Hambone’s quiet reflection on his younger years in songs like Florida Plates (which by the way is supposed to be about two kids with their parents on vacation who meet on the Jersey Shore) or Lloyd Dobbler which is specifically about getting friend zoned by that love that you are willing to stick around for even if it’s unrequited. And me, I was just dumped by my 2nd girlfriend, a love of my life and wrote from that perspective of nothing is ever going to work out whether you are a young or old. That record was one giant therapy session and seriously it’s so honest, genuine and heartfelt and that’s why people still listen to it. At least that’s what I hope.
MCF: How did you guys make the decision to re-release the record?
NS: If you listen to Casual Interactions I think Hambone made it clear he really wanted to have it out there again as it was one of the major things he contributed to in his music career. I think we just had this unwritten rule that we all had to agree if we were going to do anything with it for the future. Well it just kind of all finally worked out and we all agreed on how and when to get it all back out there.
MCF: Are you surprised at the response Pencey Prep still gets 20 years later?
NS: I do feel like the album does feel like that era, so I am surprised that people are still listening this much to it. But to me it also feels classic and it’s like opening up a photo album to summer of 2000. It’s nostalgia and with things like Spotify I’m glad a whole new generation gets to hear it and hop in that time machine with us.
MCF: What are you up to currently?
NS: Fairmont is the band I have been doing since the day I left Pencey Prep, 20 years this August. We have 11 albums, a bunch of EP’s and a bunch of compilation tracks. Pretty much the acoustic demos on the first Fairmont album were all in the running to be Pencey Prep songs, except the songs that are about Pencey Prep. We’re working on a Retrospective of the last 10 years for release later this year.
In 2007 I started Mint 400 Records to release Fairmont’s albums and it’s grown from there to over 370 releases and over 100 bands on our roster. That’s mostly what I focus on currently. I produce a bunch of the bands on the label, do album art and edit and direct videos, so the label keeps me busy.
My art is available on instagram @nsabatinoart and I’m available for hire for illustration and graphic design.
Aside from that I’m a special education Art and Graphic Design teacher with two daughters, a wife and dog.
© La Mantia & Potenza 2021
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CYBERPUNK 77 HEADCANONS ! this was meant to be just basic lil things but turned into writing the whole verse just lazily &. in bullet point form oop :( .
physical profile : shoulder length brown hair , heterochromia - left blue eye is real , right eye is a brown cybernetic . visable cybernetics include : neck , both cheeks , visable line across nose , two down chin ( idk face is very much the first photo ) / fashion , studies , musings can all be found on the pinterest board .
it's essentially a the watch dogs verse , though with slight changes of which tech companies &. the big bads in charge , all that shit . coraline was active in 2013 &. was a typical hacker , being a thorn in arasaka's side from day one . it was a slow progress , it wasn't just them she went after &. honed her skills &. became better , stronger in her abilities to be able to go after the mroe elite companies .
as the years go on , she has thousands of expose pieces under her belt . . . which is exactly the problem . she puts so much effort into her work , what she does all for it to mean nothing in the end . she can't do shit if the people wont work with her - restlessness settles in , she begins to hate so violently , she wants justice - wants the world to be better , she knows it can be if people just woke the fuck up . year after year , nothing ever changes - falling into the trap of ' fine , i'll do it myself ' &. picking targets to go after , leaking their sins online before putting a bullet in their head . . . it depended on the day how unhinged the scene would be left behind .
coraline has travelled world wide for her work , never staying in the states - there have been several million news articles about ' LETHALBLUE ' across countries &. continents .
for a long time , she refused to get cybernetics - coraline has body issues in the sense of not feeling connected to herself , disassoation can be a real bitch &. at times it can become self destructive . having cybernetics meant there was nothing stopping her slamming a knife into her arm &. plucking out an eyeball . it was also an act of rebellion , she didn't need hardware to do her job , didn't need to give in to be good - she like feeling human , grounded , it gave her a touch of the past .
but in a world where tech was ever evolving &. the human body was getting left behind . . . it became impossible . especially after one job that went completely sideways , after taking down a commanding officer in the japanese army who was looking to make robots a norm on the battlefield - the whole place went into shut down , forcing coraline to stay underground for a few weeks , cramped in an abandoned subway station . i lowkey headcanon the only reason she got out is because of rogue ( coraline doesn't have friends but idkidk i can see them having a weird relationship based on intense mutual respect &. having slight history because they knew each other back in the day :( )
it was a CLOSE CALL , it was the first time coraline has ever been worried . she went to a ripperdoc that she's worked closely with for years - stealing tec for him in return for info , on the current area , on clients - his name is droid &. he's fucking crazy , but he's an artist &. good at his work &. wouldn't trust anyone with her body other than him .
she goes mia for a long while , people presuming her to be dead . though in this time , she's getting used to new hardwear , replacing , testing it out . focusing her attention on BDE production in nightcity - she fucking HATES the way sex is handled in the 'new world' &. tbqh it makesher sick to her stomach , especially as someone who used to be an independent sex worker before giving it up completely to focus on vigilantism .
the point is she loves humanity while fucking hating it at the same time , she's slowly driving herself insane putting the worlds problems on her shoulders - she doesn't shy away from her immortality in this verse , actively saying ' you're not going to be around to see how this ends , i am ' &. people mistake it for delusions of grandeur , but its truth .
#v: cp | to be decided.#cora in this verse is just violently vibrating and wants to rip apart everyone and everything while still trying to /help/#im so :(#AUGH#THIS IS NOT AT ALL PROOF READ BTW BE WARNED SIOFHSIF
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Phantom of The Ministry
skip to the dotted line if you just want the story. I'm gonna put some personal info here first.
meh... I had this idea ages ago before Penny died and I quit writing... there was a lot going on back then. The troll harassing me and a bunch of other people on archive.... Eh It all snowballed on me and especially without penny to encourage me, litterally no one else wanted to read my stupid stories. I had floated this idea by her and she'd loved it. She said she couldn't wait to read it. I will miss her forever. 😢 I never even met her IRL. But I talked to her everyday. I used to tell her all my problems and she would tell me hers while we were writing back and forth. I don't have any of those fics anymore because I was hacked and had to delete the Google account where everything was saved. 😖 oof.
Well this was saved in a different place so. It's literally all I have left to remember her by because I deleted my profile on archive of our own where everything we'd done together had been published. I orphaned the stories but I honestly can't bring myself to look them up from my alternate archive reading account.
I really didn't mean to put so much about her in this but... I guess it's cathartic or whatever. I was working on this all by myself so... be warned. I struggle with grammar, punctuation and spelling particularly as the dyslexia seems to not let me remember the rules no matter how many times I look them up. I also have pacing issues and my plots always felt weak to me so. At the height of everything, I just quit. It seemed like no one was interested anyway.
I wanted to perhaps finish this for Penny or in her memory but honestly... I just don't have it in me anymore. I'm not even that into Drarry anymore. I enjoy many ships but that's neither here nor there. So... here's what I did get written on
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Phantom of the ministry.
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Ch.1
Draco’s Perspective
Draco realized, looking back, that he'd always been a somewhat vain child. After all, what else would you call trying to crusio a boy just because he saw you crying?
Vain. That's what Draco called it. Perhaps prideful as well. Neither personality trait had ever served him well. In a way, he supposed that he had Potter to thank for opening his eyes to his own faults. He might even be able to actually say the words to him, if he ever saw him. Of course, that would never happen because he didn't exist anymore. He'd died in that bathroom, as far as most people were concerned.
Most said that he'd deserved it. A precious few had insisted that he hadn’t, that he wouldn't have attacked unless he had been provoked somehow. Draco himself felt that he had started the ill fated duel and had basically deserved some sort of consequence. However he also felt that Potter, using a spell that he didn't know, was the height of impulsive stupidity and that the 'Sectum-sempra' had been overkill.
He stared now at the ruin of his once handsome face. The hideous twisted scars from the left edge of his nose to his left temple, the patchy bald spots where the hair had never grown back after being shaved off by the spell. The cloudy, faded eyeball that had once been bright and vibrant, that had seen everything, now saw almost nothing.
Draco had no idea why the spell had only struck the upper left corner of his face. Potter's aim must have been off because they'd been chasing each other. Otherwise he had no idea.
With a heavy sigh he picked up the white China quarter-mask that hid the left side of his damaged face from anyone who might chance to look at him. Not that many ever did. In fact, there were only two people who knew of his existence. Since Severus Snape had died in the war, that left only one person who knew he was here. She came to his hidden potions lab and left him files full of research that needed done, potions that needed identification, other's that needed refined. The list went on and on.
He was a ghost, a figment of overworked employees imaginations. Severus had brought him here after he'd been healed as much as he could be. Draco had categorically refused to return to hogwarts or the life he had known before. His father had always viewed him as a disappointment and after he'd been disfigured, well he'd have been a disgrace as well, and likely would have been disowned.
So this had been the only other option. A friend of Severus's who worked in the department of mysteries as head unspeakable, who had owed the potions master a favor, had arranged it.
That had been eight years ago. He'd never left the ministry since that day, the day Severus had brought him here and handed him over to Madeline Gery.
She was originally from France but her parents had moved to London in the midst of the first wizarding war. She'd worked her way to the top of the department of mysteries, a department that was only a rumor and largely off books. She had arranged for private tutoring, and for Draco to be able to take his exams. She'd had the mask and wigs made to Draco’s specifications and the sketches he'd provided her with. Brown hair, something nondescript that blended in. His own hair was too flashy, too distinctive. If anyone caught sight of his oh so striking platinum hair, they'd know instantly who he was. So, wigs had been the solution. Though, thanks largely to the numerous secret passages and hidden rooms scattered around the ministry no one ever truly saw him.
The passages had originally been intended as an emergency escape route out of the ministry. Near as Draco could tell, they'd been forgotten about and hadn't been accessed or utilized in any way until he'd found them.
He now had free roam of the entire ministry. There was a small room and a two way mirror that looked into the ministers office, there was another such set up in the head aurror's office and a few other of the department heads. He suspected that someone had been using the passages to sus out corrupt ministry officials but obviously the program had been ended without anyone being the wiser. Draco had let himself into the records room and the aurror department after hours and looked for any information he could find on the passages but had found nothing.
Over the years he'd added more passages, tunnels and access points, carefully hidden from and warded against the wondering eyes of idiot employees who were too curious for their own good. He could go anywhere he wanted or needed too inside the ministry now. He left notes for Madeline occasionally about his findings, particularly when he observed ministry officials taking bribes or practicing dark magics. He always got proof first. The employees in question were usually sacked immediately. At least, now that Potter had won the war anyhow.
What a relief that had been. The first few years he'd been here, he'd had to be incredibly careful. He'd let himself into the ministers office after hours and nicked his file, and any other proof of his existence that he could find. With Umbridge and Fudge being loyal to the darklord, he dare not let them find out about his existence. He had observed though. He'd recorded plenty of evidence of their corruption and any plans that he had observed and passed them along to Madeline who he assumed passed them to an order member. It was the best he could do.
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Ch. 2
Potter's Perspective
He'd killed someone. Harry couldn't forgive himself for it. Nor would he ever forget Draco Malfoy, or the valuable lesson that he'd learned from the horrible experience. Never use a spell that you didn't know. It was forever ingrained in his brain, on his very soul. He might have felt some sort of closure on the matter had he gotten into trouble for killing a student. Something more than just detention with Snape for the rest of the year. That had been bad, but hardly a fitting price for murder. Even if accidentally.
He was the only one who had felt that way about it. Everyone else had said that Malfoy had gotten what he deserved. After all he had started an unsanctioned duel, had been using dark spells, and had fired first. Malfoy had started the chase, and continued to aggressively attack Harry. He'd simply defended himself. That was the official response. Even if accurate, it didn't feel right. Not to Harry. Nor, he could tell, to Narcissa Malfoy. She looked at him with hatred now. Hatred he deserved. There was nothing he could do about it though. Even after he'd found the reserection stone that Dumbledore had left him. There'd been no information anywhere on how to use it. He'd tried to bring Draco back from the dead but it hadn't worked. Harry had been flying blind. He'd put away the Elder wand and the Reserection stone in a safe and heavily warded place known only to him. He couldn't destroy them until he figured out how to right the wrong that he'd caused.
He had no clue how he'd managed to win this stupid war. It had seemed impossible. Without Hermione and Ron, he'd never have survived. He knew it. He might be a magical powerhouse but brilliant he wasn’t. Nor was he any good at strategy. Thankfully his friends had been very willing to help him out. He didn’t feel worthy of such loyalty and support but he was grateful for it.
After the bathroom incident, the minister had appointed Severus Snape as headmaster. Zabini had somehow left the detheaters into the castle and Severus Snape had cast the killing curse on Dumbledore. Harry had confronted him and managed to disarm him, purely by having the element of surprise and sheer dumb luck, as McGonagall would say. Somehow they'd managed to follow through on the scavenger hunt for the horcruxs and the rest was history. Winning hadn't made Harry feel any better though. He and Ginny had broken up after only a couple months of a relationship post war. It just wasn't working. So he'd gone to work at the ministry as an aurror because what else could he do really? He'd thought of going into quidich but the desire to fly knowing that Draco never would again, just hadn't been there.
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Ok that's it. All I've got other than the doc where I listed all the things from the Musical that I thought I could work with to make the story work. I'd love to know your thoughts. If anyone reads this that is. The algorithms on any platform hide me from everyone. Lol I'll never be popular I guess. So what else is new? Lmao. Oh well.
#lgbtqia#ao3#drarry#fanfiction#draco fanfiction#harry potter#harry x draco#draco malfoy#hp fandom#harry potter fanfiction
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Looking in to an old ship makes me want to finally put my AU out into the mainstream:
It goes like this. Dipper’s Deal with Bill never finalized, and as such Bill still has a connection/standing deal with Dipper. Problem is, his power level is basically -1 and as such the most he is, is a floating talking ball with an eyeball on it in Dipper’s mindscape.
The two end up becoming “Pre-Portal Ford” levels of friendship if only because Bill can’t do anything besides talk and Dipper sees him in a neutral state than chaotic evil state during the entire time in Piedmont.
Dipper gets him back to the statue, Bill is revived. Only to quickly realize that there’s no way in hell he’s able to do what he did before without arousing suspicion with the man who’s probably already got a new multitude of ways to off him before the first handshake; So he becomes a general nuisance only to Dipper. Then to Mable as well...though she did put the fear of god into him once she knew he was back.
The only thing that saves him from Ford, once he knows he’s back, is the Axolotl’s blessing. Which was given by the being after Dipper’s words and a quick power down and warning to not pull anything. It looks like the Axolotl giving the peace sign on Bill’s lower left brick if he turns the right way.
The whole issue of it all is that Ford realizes it first, but Bill only notices that he’s a bit more connected to Dipper than he thought when Dipper gets a hole blasted on his side via creature in the Falls, and Bill gets the same hole in turn. Causes a whole lotta panic from all parties...and now Dipper’s got a Triangle not willing to leave him alone for five minutes.
Still attempting to re-write things past that point because I start putting in another Billdip AU (Bill Wins, Dipper is still his “puppet”, turned “Demon Comrade” (age:41), turned “Demon Mate” (age:253)) that I have but I want this to be on its own and it gets all kind of “Well if you know my mind, then you’ll know that...” kind of thing.
Part of it that I really like:
They played it off and managed to keep Bill from being known right under Grunkle Ford AND Stan’s nose…for a year. The second year, Bill got cocky. He started to dress casual in his human with a triangle head form, and when Mabel didn't realize who was the one relaxing in the dining room with a book on their face till she got close enough, he felt that he had run off the house…without certain people seeing him. This time it was Soos out on a walkthrough, Melody was out at the park with their baby, and the Grunkles weren't due for a whole month to alleviate any surprise visits. Bill got so relaxed he snored…and it was hilarious. Dipper came down to get a drink and heard the telltale “Hroonk memememe” of old cartoons and he slowly walked to the dining room bench. Bill was dressed in a hoodie and sweats today, so that probably gave extra comfort to be able to fall asleep. Though, as “an almighty being with no weakness” it was a bit curious on why he was sleeping.
Slowly pulling up his phone, Dipper got a few seconds, a snore and a half, before it went silent and Bill glared from under the magazine. “Turn it off, Pinetree, or I'm destroying your phone.”
Dipper lowered the phone and muttered “Spoilsport…” as he turned off record.
“I give you a snore and a half, and this is the thanks I get.” Bill let the magazine fall back down on his face. “Typical humans.”
Dipper waved his hand in ‘Whatever’ and got his drink and headed back to his room.
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non ucm au or as it's turning out "the au where everyone who regularly would have a mini friendship circle gets to hang out with all the other people with mini friendship circles"
#mine#i got one full chapter of kakashi-rin-itachi#then shisui-kisame-obito#then sakura-naruto-lee-sasuke-gai#then team taka-itachi-snek team (but in a good way)#essentially i figured one chapter of rin would make everything worse so here i am#making kakashi sad#and giving extra reason to obito's later motivations to change#all this from basic eyeball problems who knew#would tsunade and kisame be a funny dynamic?#shisui and obito are power duo now you can't stop me#hiruzen gets actual kind grandpa moments that aren't full on hypocrisy#sasuke and naruto get a childhood#also new chunin fight matchups because i need things to be more spicy
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Hello! I know I asked before, but may you please write another snippet? This time something about a villain who is basically darkness, cruelty, apathy and everything evil all warped and hidden behind an friendly face. A villain who is very dangerous and violent, very sadistic and torturous, very sinister and a machiavellian monstrosity, a villain you can see hell through their eyes. Yet they’re calm, collected and with a terrifyingly gentle touch and soft voice and they hide all of their corruption and wickedness behind a polite and pleasant facade.
I’m sorry if this is too specific. I love your writing! ♥️
“You’re frightened of me,” the villain murmured. Their head tilted, expression even as they considered the hero - like the hero was a particularly interesting and complex problem they were endeavouring to solve.
The hero took a step back on instinct, flinching to a stop at the way the villain’s eyes followed the movement. The movement had betrayed them. There was no pretending now that nothing was wrong. Their heart raced in their chest, a beat of war drums pounding a warning in their head. Their mouth had gone dry. The thermos of coffee the hero had brought, because the villain always worked so late, felt clammy against their palm.
“I see you.” It was barely above a whisper, raspy.
The villain hummed and offered a small, pleasant smile.
“Yes,” they said. “You do, don’t you. How long?”
The hero stared at them.
“Ah,” the villain said. “A new development.”
The villain didn’t try and approach, but the hero felt sure that if they made a go for the doors of the art gallery, that would change. Images of blood and gore flickered behind the hero’s eyeballs - they imagined it splashed up the pristine white walls, just another smear of paint.
All around them, were the villain’s paintings. The exhibition was supposed to be one about modern monstrosity, the forms of social and institutional violence which wound around the building bricks of contemporary society. Controversial. Startling. And, the hero had finally realised staring at the bold strokes of paint, entirely too real. Those paintings weren’t just inspired, they were drawn from something far too real, and put smugly on display with the knowledge that most people would guess anything other than the truth.
“You thought my work was beautiful,” the villain continued, watching them. “Do you still think so?”
“I didn’t think it was-” the hero stopped. Their throat locked tight.
They’d met the villain a few months ago - a final year art student intern, and the villain an industry legend everyone was a little bit in love with and terrified of. God, if only they knew how scared they should really be. The hero had been awed.
They’d seemed so nice in person, so soft and gentle compared to the visions they displayed.
The villain hummed once more, that small smile still curled along their lips.
The hero had done sittings for them, for fuck’s sake. They’d spent hours alone with them, lulled by the smell of acrylics and oils and plastic sheets on the floor. They’d thought it was peaceful, that the villain could sit so still for so long in a world that moved so fast. But it wasn’t peace, was it? It was the same stillness of a snake in the grass, waiting to strike - the calm of any ambush predator.
The hero took another step back before they could stop themselves. Cold sweat dripped down their spine.
This time, the villain took a step forward too, perfectly timed to mimic the movement like some dark reflection. Their smile grew. They thought this was funny.
“Aren’t you going to ask me why?” the villain asked.
“You’re fucking sick, that’s why.”
“Mm. True,” the villain said. “But you see, don’t you? It’s not just that.”
“That’s the only bit I care about.”
“Not going to try and endear yourself to me to save your skin?”
“Would that work?”
The villain shrugged. “I like lovely things.”
“You also like causing pain.”
“Intense human emotion is the most lovely thing of all.”
“So I’m screwed.”
Something crept past the villain’s mask then, glimmering in the bottomless pit of their eyes. Why did people always say ‘deep, soulful eyes’ like it was a good thing? There was no telling what lay in the deep, no telling what kind of soul might be lurking beneath the surface. The hero should have stuck to someone nice and shallow. Safe.
“It’s been such a long time since anyone has been able to see me,” the villain said. They took another step closer, not mimicking now, and the hero scrambled backwards. “They stare at me all day and give outraged reviews but they’re still so blind. So, you’re a talented student. Take a few deep breaths. Tell me.” The villain’s head tilted the other way. “What do you see?”
The hero saw themselves sprinting full tilt towards the door, because all of the lights of the gallery were on so it felt impossible that such darkness could claw up to them so fast. They saw themselves reaching the door and the villain overtaking them, because the only reason for a predator to move that slowly was because they didn’t think they had to run.
And the hero saw themselves back at the villain’s private studio, smiling and clutching a cup of tea as they talked. They saw themselves orbiting the villain like they thought themselves circling the sun instead of a black hole. Maybe it was the same thing. Suns and black holes could both kill you just fine.
“You’re not going to kill me,” the hero said. “You want an audience. Someone who understands what you’re doing.”
“Nobody would believe you anyway,” the villain said. “It’s too...” they wet their lips. “Obvious. If I was a monster I’d hide it better.”
The hero let out a horrible, strangled sort of laugh.
In an instant of distraction, the villain was in front of them. They took the hero’s chin oh so gently in hand, like they were a statue to be admired - the hero certainly froze like stone was all that was left of them.
The dark thing in the villain’s eyes stared, and stared, and stared. The violence, the hunger for it, simmered. The hero wanted to stop staring back, but they couldn’t quite look away.
The spell broke as villain plucked the coffee thermos from the hero’s slack hand with a charming wink. “For me? Thanks.” They sauntered past, body brushing despite the gaping space around them. “You’re a sweetheart. I’ll see you tomorrow, usual time. I’m nearly done with your picture.”
They still had six months left working together.
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Snow Melts Quicker in Water
Pairing: Giyuu x Reader
Synopsis: You and Giyuu fight, but things have a way of sorting themselves out.
Tags/warnings: very light angst, mostly fluff, super light make out session uwu
a/n: thank you for requesting @aliaisreal!! you’re super sweet, so thank you very much for your patience and understanding!! I hope the wait was worth it!! 🥺
Link to the ask: Request by @aliaisreal
The best (and kindest) way possible people could describe Tomioka Giyuu was that he was like water itself.
Like water, he adapted easily and quickly, His movements were fluid and continuous, unstoppable in its actions like a waterfall spilling over a cliff. His voice was baritone, smooth, but held power underneath the surface. He flowed through any obstacle in his life as best as he could, and that rang true even to your relationship.
While he thought that he mostly went with the flow, It’s been an entire week since your fight, and it’s been an entire week since he’s talked to you.
Admittedly, you two have fought before—minor little squabbles where he always took it upon himself to be the first to apologize. He didn’t like the idea of you upset, but now was different. This was probably the biggest fight he’s ever had with you, and as much as he loves you, he didn’t want to be the one to make the first move this time.
One moment, he came home to you, tired and ready to go straight to your shared room and drop dead for the next few hours, but in the next, the two of you were saying things that neither of you meant, arguing over something that should have been a simple thing.
That night, the fight was so big that he ended up taking refuge in the butterfly estate.
Well, given the injuries he got in his last mission, he was already going to go the next morning, but he was hoping to see you and rest first before anything else.
Breathing out a sigh, he sits up from the cold hospital bed he’s been sleeping on for the past week, and reflexively brings a hand to the bandages around his stomach. He never did like fighting with you. It always left a heavy weight on his chest, and it always occupies his mind, resulting in him fighting slightly sloppier than he’d like.
Maybe he should apologize? There was a pillar meeting later on in the day, so if he wanted to, he could. He usually did, within the day, but this was the longest the two of you were actively mad at each other. The two of you fought, but last night was the first time the two of you fought for that long.
But for once, he didn’t want to. For once, he wanted you to make the first move, and maybe, just this once he should.
Giyuu breathes out a heavy sigh. He’ll just think about that later.
When Giyuu arrived at the Ubuyashiki Garden, he was thrown off by the fact that you weren’t there. He was further surprised when the Oyakata-sama came in, and there was still no sign of you.
Between the both of you, you were the early bird, and would usually be one of the first who arrived, if you didn’t come dragging him by his haori.
Your absence was rubbing him off the wrong way. He’s missed you a lot so he was really hoping to see you today, even if the two of you got into a fight.
While his facade was as perfectly emotionless and stoic as ever, his mind was spiralling deeper into worry. Why weren’t you here? Were you that mad? Were you so pissed that you chose to forgo the meeting because of him?
(Unbeknownst to him, his fellow pillars were looking at him. His face didn’t change, but everyone could see his worry clear as day.)
Oyakata-sama dismisses the meeting after a while, and everyone bows, leaving right after they were assigned with new missions and patrols. Giyuu only had to patrol his region in the evening...maybe he should go look for you?
On his way back to his estate to search for you, he passes by the butterfly estate and sees Tanjirou and his friends helping the girls hang the sheets. Well, it was more like Tanjirou was helping, while Zenitsu and Inosuke quarreled.
Tanjirou immediately notices Giyuu, raising a hand in greeting. He quickly hangs the bedsheet in his hand to rush over to the raven haired man. “Tomioka-san! How are you?”
“Hello Tanjirou.” Giyuu responds as the young demon slayer stands in front of him, adding, “I’m fine.”
“I’m glad! You seem distressed though, is everything alright? Are you worried about (F/N)-san?”
Giyuu doesn’t even try to hide it, simply nodding and feeling a little shy from how Tanjirou could easily read him. “She wasn’t at the meeting earlier. She’s usually there first.”
He places a hand over his chin and nods. “Oh, of course she’s not.”
That was news to him. “What? Do you...know where she is?”
“No…” Tanjirou responds, but his face immediately crumples in on itself, his eyeballs rolling back into his head. Both of them knew he was lying, but Giyuu still feels a little bad that he’s using the boy’s honest and earnest personality to his advantage.
Regardless, He gives the younger boy a look that has Tanjirou looking away abashedly. “I don’t think I’m supposed to say anything…”
“Tanjirou…”
It doesn’t take much for him to cave, and he sighs before telling Giyuu what he knows. “She went out for a mission. I thought you knew, but—” He cuts himself off when his nose detects panic and worry, the smell nearly taking over his senses. “—Ah! But don’t worry, Giyuu-san! This is (F/N)-san, I’m sure she’ll be fine!”
Oh, Giyuu knew you were strong and capable, but with a job as dangerous and unpredictable as theirs, so many things could happen. Right now, he wanted nothing more than to curse his pride. He should have approached you right after, he shouldn’t have let this go on longer than it should have.
The best thing he could do right now was wait for you, and apologize as soon as he sees you.
He hopes he gets the chance.
“You’re right. She’ll be fine.”
Tanjirou wasn’t sure who Giyuu was trying to convince.
As the Snow Hashira, people expected you to be cold, stern, harsh, and while it’s not completely wrong, you were one of the kindest out of all the pillars. You had a heart of gold that shone through and had a smile that could warm even the coldest of hearts. It made it easier for people to approach you despite the initial impression, but everyone found it ironic that the Snow Pillar was one of the warmest, kindest, most genuine slayer from the bunch.
You were proud of your work as a demon slayer—saving lives, and killing the very thing that brought you and so many others so much pain—but the fact that you and your friends walked hand in hand with death was… well, it was a lot to take in.
Death is, and never will be something you think you’ll get used to. It was always painful—knowing that you could have done something to help, or knowing that their death was beyond your power. Whether you liked it or not, it was one of those things that just happened. No matter how much you wanted cheat death, there was no stopping it—
Which was one of the main reasons why you got so mad at Giyuu when he came home to you all bruised and bloody.
Instead of going to the butterfly estate, it was normal that he’d come home straight to you after a particularly challenging mission, in which cases you’d do basic first aid before rushing him to Shinobu. There wasn’t any problem really. There were moments where you would come home to him in a similar state, where he’d be the one giving you first aid, and you were happy he trusted you enough to show you his vulnerable side.
But you were just so painfully reminded of how you became a demon slayer, of how your family sacrificed themselves for your escape. You could see that Giyuu was barely thinking of himself, often throwing himself in harm’s way just to get a mission done.
Seeing someone you love give such little importance to himself made you both sad and angry. It rubbed you the wrong way, and you couldn’t help but burst and get mad at him. The fight escalated quickly, and both of you said things you didn’t mean.
Looking back, it was a little stupid. You reacted irrationally and immaturely when you could have talked it out with him like an adult. You acknowledged that it was mostly your fault, and that you should have been the one to apologize, but you just couldn’t admit your mistake, seeing as you still agreed with how reckless he was being.
So you avoided him, devoting nearly all of your time to your missions.
A few days after you started avoiding him, Oyakata-sama sent for you and assigned a mission that needed an entire day of travel. There was a group of Tsuchinoto’s that weren’t doing too well, and it required you to dispose of the demon and help them in any way you can. While you took the job with no qualms, you were a little apprehensive. You and Giyuu still hadn’t made up, and this mission required at least three days, and that’s taking into account if everything went smoothly, which things rarely did.
It didn’t sit right for you to leave without seeing him, so the morning you planned to leave, you dropped by the Butterfly Estate to see him. You haven’t talked to him for five full days now, and while he didn’t talk a lot, you really missed his company.
You find him sleeping in one of the rooms. A small part of you was hoping that he’d be awake so you could talk a bit, maybe even apologize before you left, but he didn’t even move at all when you opened the door. Considering how much of a light sleeper he was, it was a little surprising that he didn’t stir at all when you sat by the edge of his bed beside him, but he was still recovering from the injuries of his previous battle, so it can hardly be helped. In fact, it worked in your favor, because he didn’t wake up when you pressed a small kiss to his temple.
Softly, you put your forehead against his and press a hand against his cheek, whispering as lightly as you could. “I’ll be going now, but I’ll come back. I love you.”
He was clearly unconscious, but the way he leans closer to your touch made your heart melt and butterflies flood your stomach. Even when you were supposed to be fighting, he could still make you feel this way.
It figures. Snow always did melt quicker in water.
You smile and push the stray hairs away from his face. You let your hand caress his cheek as you memorize his features as best as you could, leaving the room once you've realized that you need to go soon. Turning, you take one last look at Giyuu before closing the door as softly as you could—and coming face to face with dark red eyes.
You let out a small yelp, too late to realize that it was only Tanjirou smiling up at you in confusion.
“Tanjirou-kun! You surprised me!”
“Sorry about that (F/N)-san. I was on my way to check on Nezuko.” He laughs a little bashfully, rubbing the back of his neck. He looks back up at you though when he realizes whose room you were coming out of. “What are you doing coming out of Giyuu-san’s room? Is there something wrong?”
Was there something wrong? Well technically there was, as you two were avoiding each other, but you brush off his concern, finding it a little awkward to explain. “Oh, no! Not at all, I just wanted to see him before leaving for a mission.”
“A mission?”
You nod. “Yes, I’m not sure of all the details yet, but it might take a while.”
“Oh, I see! Please take care (F/N)-san!”
“Thank you Tanjirou-kun, I will. Stay out of trouble alright?”
“Will do!” Tanjirou was quick to deliver a salute, making you giggle despite your heavy heart. Seeing one of the Kamado siblings always made you smile - they were too adorable for their own good.
As you were about to step out the hall, you suddenly remember something.“Ah, by the way Tanjirou-kun, Giyuu was asleep so I didn’t want to bother him, but can you not tell him that I dropped by?”
The young boy seems to be thrown off by your weird request, and tries to question you as politely as he could. You were still his superior after all, and a person he deeply respected. “Eh? Not tell Giyuu-san?”
“Yes.”
Tanjirou was apprehensive—he couldn’t lie for his life after all—but you must have your reasons, so instead, he resolved to just do his best. He was the eldest son! He could do this! “Oh, okay then, I’ll do my best (F/N)-san!”
“Wonderful! Thank you, Tanjirou-kun.”
When Tanjirou finally cracked and told Giyuu where you were, the Water Pillar waited as patiently as he could. He was known for his patience, and for his go with the flow attitude, but when it came to you, he wanted nothing more than to just rush by your side. When he discovered your mission, he was practically itching to run all the way over to you. You leaving for your mission before he nor you could apologize sat terribly in his gut. The only thing tying him down to his post was his sense of duty. He still had missions to attend to here, and unless someone could cover for him, or unless it was a terrible emergency, he couldn’t leave.
It wasn’t that he didn’t trust you as a fellow pillar, but as your boyfriend, he was worried for you. Your fight left a horrible taste in his mouth, and he could never forgive himself if that was the last moment he had with you.
So instead, he sat patiently, going through routine and accomplishing his patrols and missions dutifully.
It wasn’t until a few days later when he learned of what happened to your party.
It was a lower moon, and while that would have been an easy job for you, you had five other slayers to protect and worry about. His crow reported that everyone was quickly brought to the Butterfly Estate, and that was the last thing he needed to hear before bolting from his estate and out to Shinobu’s.
“Where is she?”
Shinobu turns as Giyuu bursts through the doors, her smile as saccharine as ever. “Ah, hello to you too Tomioka-san!”
“Kochou, where is (F/N)?” Giyuu looked about ready to tear down the whole place to look for you, and Shinobu knew that. Regardless, Shinobu’s smile never wavers as she continues to tease him.
“Ara, are you worried about (F/N)-chan?” She continues, but for the first time, it eases him. Shinobu loved pushing his buttons, but she knew when to stop. If she was being like this, you should be alive, at the very least. She doesn’t motion or signal Giyuu to follow her, but he was quick to walk after the Insect Pillar, moving as quick and as fluid as flowing water.
Shinobu stops at a door, and slides it open to reveal you awake, sitting up on the bed. You seemed to be a little bruised and worse for wear with all the bandages and discolored patches of skin, but you were alive and you were breathing, and that’s all what matters to Giyuu right now.
From her periphery, Shinobu could see the relief on Giyuu, and as much as she liked pissing Giyuu off, she knows the feeling and backs off. There was always another time for teasing, she can do that later.
“I’ll leave you two be. Tomioka-san be careful of her injuries, alright?” As promised, the door slides back closed as Shinobu leaves you two be.
After a while, you pat the empty space by the edge of your bed, croaking out a short “Sit with me.”, before Giyuu moves to sit over carefully. When he was settled, his eyes roamed over your skin, quick to assess the number of injuries and thinking how critical and painful each one of them might be.
“Before you say anything,” You start, “I’m sorry.”
Giyuu’s thrown off and his eyes dart from the bloody bandage on your arm to your eyes. “What—”
“I was way out of line, and I overreacted. I was being petty in waiting for you to apologize first, but it should have been me. I’m sorry for overreacting…and for taking this long to apologize.”
“But it doesn’t mean that I'm sorry about everything else!” Because while you were aware you overreacted, it didn’t mean that your feelings came from nowhere. “I can see that I was wrong in the way I approached things but I meant every word when I said that you’re too careless! I hate seeing you in pain and you just reminded me too much of my family and I—”
He interrupts you by taking your hands. Lightly, he traces vague shapes onto the skin of your palm, the rough calluses on his fingertips a nice reminder that he was here, that he was alive, and that you were too.
“I couldn’t handle the thought of you leaving me. I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry too.”
The two of you stay quiet, the weight being lifted off of both of your shoulders, until a thought occurs to you that causes you to pull away.
“But you’re not saying anything about your recklessness.” You point out, giving him a light glare, only stopping when a small smile curls around his lips.
He chuckles and the sound goes straight to your heart. “Okay, I promise to stop being too reckless.”
“You better keep that promise, or else I’ll hunt you down myself.” Smiling softly, you place a hand against his cheek and pull him closer. “I missed you.”
Giyuu hums against your touch and a week's worth of not seeing him drives you to press your lips against his mouth. He responds easily, shifting his weight onto himself and holding your body to lighten the strain on you. You hold onto the lapels of his haori as he deepens the kiss, and it was a good thing he was holding you because under normal circumstances, your knees would have buckled.
“(F/N)-chan! It’s time to change your bandages—” Hearing a foreign voice, causes the two of you to turn to the entrance— “Oh dear. I’m so sorry to interrupt!”—only to see Shinobu smiling at the two of you like a cat that ate the canary.
“Sh-Shinobu-chan! It’s um...”
“Oh, I’m sure it’s exactly what I think hm?” Her smile seems to grow wider, and you feel your face burst into flames. She knew exactly what was going on. “But Tomioka-san, I never would have guessed! How bold of you to do such lewd things to an injured patient! Anyway, I’ll leave you two alone, I’ll drop by again later to change your bandages, (F/N)-chan!”
The sound of the door slamming shut signals Shonbu’s leave and both you and Giyuu were left staring at the space where Shinobu once stood.
Just when things were getting good.
“She did that on purpose.” You announce, and Giyuu nods sympathetically.
“She probably did.”
You sigh but then immediately flinch and clutch your side as it burns from the injury. Giyuu was quick to notice and moves right by your bedside, assisting you in lying back down
“Be careful. You’re mad at me for pushing myself, when you’re just as bad.”
“Hush, you should have seen how you were practically bleeding all over the place.”
“Hashira Tomioka-sama, can we plea—“
“No.”
It’s been two weeks since you left the Butterfly Estate, and as the Snow Pillar, you were well back on the grind patrolling and killing demons once you’ve fully recovered. The young demon slayers you saved though wish they could say the same. While you had some pretty critical injuries yourself, theirs were much worse, with all seven sporting broken bones, and other heavy injuries, but thanks to Shinobu’s medicine, they were on the road to recovery and physical therapy.
When the Oyakata-sama heard of the incident, he was quick to instruct someone to train the weaker demon-slayers.
Giyuu was more than happy to beat these slayers into shape.
Which led them here, Giyuu with a wooden sword in hand and a pile of sore bodies by his feet.
One such body groaned at the dirt floor as he clutched at the side Giyuu hit a little too hard. “We’ve already ran down the mountain, tried to dodge all of the deadly traps, and sparred with you. Surely we could have a short break, sir?”
Giyuu wanted to laugh at the naivety of these young slayers. When Urokodaki trained him and Sabito, they had it much worse, even being thrown down cliffs and waterfalls. And while Giyuu could say that Urokodaki was like a father figure to him, his training regimen was worse than any hell he could have experienced. But now was hardly the time to reminisce, he still had business to do.
He wasn’t one to intentionally intimidate others much, but he’s overheard plenty of rumors about himself. He’s heard that he’s one of the most…intimidating of the pillars, to say the least, and now, he’s not going to shy away from what could be an advantage to his situation.
Slowly, Giyuu walked over to the slayer and crossed his arms, looking straight through his eyes as he quietly spoke. “Your last mission was well-matched for someone of your rank.” He notes. “You hardly needed a Pillar for back-up, and because of your carelessness, she had to protect all five of you which landed the Snow Pillar in the butterfly estate. Now tell me, do you need a break?”
Despite Giyuu speaking in a voice no louder than a river’s burble, he could see the young man cower from slight fear before speaking in a shaky tone, “N-No, Sir!”
“I thought so.” Giyuu lightly clucked his tongue to himself before unfolding his arms. “Reset the traps and run through the mountain again. I'll let all five of you go for the day after.”
“Yes, Sir!” All five of them scrambled from their spot on the ground and scurried back up the mountain, letting himself feel a small morsel of sick satisfaction when he could hear the loud clacks from the traps and the pained grunts upon collision.
“I would say that it’s really nice that you took them in, but now that i’ve seen your face, i’m starting to think that this is on purpose.”
Giyuu was barely surprised to see the Snow Pillar herself right beside him like she was there the entire time. As pillars, both of you were faster and moved more efficiently than the average slayer, so you sneaking up on him was a common occurrence. You never seemed to get used to the opposite though, always claiming that he moved like a ghost.
“Maybe.” He shrugs, a little helplessly, tapping the wooden sword against the ground in a distracted fashion.
You laugh a nice tinkling sound he’s loves hearing, and he’s glad that you’re fine, and that the stupid little fight was resolved. He’s missed you a lot.
The two of you stood there together in silence, wincing when the sound of pained yelps travelled over from the small mountain Giyuu chose for training. A random conversation you had with your boyfriend suddenly entered your thoughts though, and made you wonder out loud. “Are you using the method Urokodaki-san used when he trained you?”
Nodding in affirmation, Giyuu hums in thought. “It was effective for me. And seeing how poorly trained they are from your previous mission, I thought that...” His train of thought short-circuited and was quickly derailed when you lean up on your tiptoes to place a soft kiss on his cheek. Giyuu’s ears immediately flush a deep red.
“You’re too cute, sweetheart.” You say, wrapping your arms around his neck. Seeing the ineffable Water Pillar flustered because of you was always a sight to behold. “Though, you didn’t have do thisfor me either.”
He turns his head away in hopes that you wouldn't see his face, but you simply laugh, and Giyuu feels his heart melt again. “They need to train more if they want to continue as slayers.”
You hum, letting your fingers sift through black strands of hair. “I know, I know, but lighten up, okay? Don’t be too hard on them.”
Giyuu nods as a reply and you place another kiss before pulling away. He wants to pull you back, but the trainees were already stumbling down the treeline, looking worse than they did a few minutes ago. Everyone was sporting new bruises and a few a lot of scratches, but seemed overall fine as they dropped down to the ground, panting for much needed air.
“All of you seem to be working hard.” You say in a kind voice, smiling kindly when their heads whip around to face you.
“Hashira (L/N)-sama!” They greet, scrambling to get up and drop to a bow in front of you. “We’re so glad to see you okay! Thank you for saving us!”
You wave your hand in front of your face, saying, “Oh, it was no problem! I’m glad all of you are okay.”
“All thanks to you. We hope you recovered well.”
“I did, thank you. Now stand up properly. Bowing for too long can’t be good for you all.”
One of them was about to open their mouth to continue the conversation, but Giyuu was quick to interject. “Alright, back to training.”
“Eh?!” All the trainees exclaim. It was clear that they respected the Water Pillar, but it was almost comical in how obvious the feeling of betrayal was in their voices.
“But we just finished!” A young girl among them who looked about ready to melt from exhaustion, points out. Another nods along, stating what Giyuu said earlier, in a hopeless fight for their much deserved break. “Tomioka-sama said we could go after!”
Oh, Giyuu is well aware of what he said. Instead of saying anything though, he feigns innocence, pretending he forgot despite having full intention of letting them go for the day.
He looks at the young slayers emptily, and responds in a deadpan tone. “Did I?”
Giyuu hears you sputter in laughter before punching his shoulder in a pitiful attempt to defend the poor kids. In both of your defenses, their faces were too funny not to laugh.
“Giyuu!”
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One Summer In Paris ~ JJK ~ Three Little Words
WORD COUNT: 4.7 K
GENRE: Fluffy, romance, ex-lovers to lovers,
PAIRING: Jungkook x Fem!Reader
DESCRIPTION: Jeon Jungkook had always loved Paris with its amazing views, incredible museums and the small Bookshop right across from the Effiel Tower. It was were he spent a lot of his summer breaks as a kid so he loved it well into his adulthood. There was one bookshop he rented a room in the summer that changed his life. It was a place where he felt happy and at peace whenever he had the chance to stay there. Where he fell in love for the first time and had his first heartbreak, a lot of firsts for him were in Paris. But what happens when he goes back to the same book shop four years later and finds the love of his life in the arms of another with a daughter who looks suspiciously like him…
THEMES: Single Parent, Jungkook x Fem!Reader, self insert, Smut will be included in a later chapter
MASTERLIST || PREVIOUS || NEXT
The next morning you woke up early for the shop while Areum stayed in bed like she usually did whenever you opened up, instead of part-time work as you worked summers ago you were now running the shop full time and managing everything inside of the store since Grace to was far too old and busy to do any of it for herself. You carefully closed the door to your apartment before heading down the staircase to go and open the front door for Grace to come inside.
"Morning Madame Grace, you're here early." She hummed unapprovingly at you she must have remembered who Jungkook was but she was carrying a basket in her hand.
"I don't want any funny business with that boy, I brought this around for you and David later. He'll drop in after work," Grace stated as she looked at you disapprovingly, she made it no secret that she didn't like you and Jungkook together. Even the day he left you, she made it clear how much she hated him. You nodded taking the basket through the store and placing it into the small kitchen while Grace began making herself at home in the small shop. She still came around every day like she owned the place which was sweet since she was letting you run the place for her while only paying your rent.
"Are you staying here for the day?" You questioned her as you looked up from the basket and over at her, Grace was looking around the store before her eyes met yours. She'd been looking for any signs that Jungkook was there in the store and when she realises he wasn't there she answered your question.
"I think I'll stay here today. Watch the shop for you, Graham wants to go to the Louvre today." You nodded along with her as she began talking to you telling you what Graham - her husband - wanted to do for the day, the door to the shop opened and you glanced over your shoulder to tell whoever it was that you weren't open yet.
"We're not open yet-" You stopped when you saw Jungkook standing in the entrance holding a brown paper bag and a tray of drinks in his hands, he held them up higher to signal what he was there for.
"I thought I should bring some breakfast for Areum, I didn't know what she liked so I just got something of everything." Thoughts crowded your head of how sweet he was being with his daughter and you nodded slowly. Looking at Grace who was grumbling under her breath as she walked out of the shop telling you that she would be back later with David to watch over the shop for you if she and Graham were done for the day.
"I'll just lock the door and you can come and wake her up." You spoke softly and he watched as you let Grace out, then went to the staircase with him he knew where to go but since he hadn't been here in over four years it seemed wrong to go up the staircase without you. He kept his eyes on the steps as you walked in front of him in nothing but a black shirt and some denim shorts.
"Areum?" You called out knocking on the small door that led into her room, it was originally the walk-in wardrobe since the apartment you now lived in was just a studio apartment. You'd done everything you could to make the room livable for her and she seemed to love it.
"She's in the wardrobe?" Jungkook frowned looking at the door you were knocking on. The white door had a princess castle with her name written across it, he could already tell just how much his daughter loved the thought of being a princess.
"I decorated it to make it a bedroom, we got some dressers for our clothes instead, it's no longer a wardrobe." You told him as you slowly pushed the door open to reveal what the room looked like, he was shocked. It looked nothing like the wardrobe that used to be there, it was now a fully pink bedroom with a Princess castle bed where Areum was asleep in some Princess Pyjamas with matching sheets. The whole room had taken forever to perfect but you managed, with Grace's help as she drew out blueprints for the room to be fit for a small princess.
"She likes Princesses?" You nodded your head and smirked walking over to one of the wardrobes that were inside the room, these were all filled with her dress-up clothes and toys.
"She also loves Marvel and Star wars." You reached into the wardrobe pulling out a Kylo Ren outfit, then a baby Yoda toy that you'd recently gotten her. Jungkook smiled happy that she got his nerdy side as well and that he could bond with her on things that they liked.
"Areum, baby? Look who's here." You whispered softly going over to her and shaking her gently trying not to startle her too much from what you were sure was an amazing dream of hers,
"Five more minutes." She grumbled tugging at the bright pink blanket and pulling it over her head but you pulled it back down and tickled her sides. The girl didn't even move an inch, she was like a rock whenever he slept.
"She's like you, so hard to wake up." You grumbled, your daughter mumbled something in her sleep before rolling over to look at you when she saw Jungkook standing there, her eyes widened as she realised he'd come back like he said he would.
"You came back?" He nodded holding up the bag of food that he'd been carrying,
"I thought we could have some breakfast together." She immediately jumped out of the bed taking his hand in hers and began leading him towards the kitchen, telling him how she would make pancakes or something instead of whatever was in the bag. It didn't look the most appealing.
"Can we not burn our kitchen down? I have to go downstairs, Areum make sure you behave for your dad- For Jungkook." She nodded watching you walk out of the door she was making sure that you were gone before she turned back to Jungkook. She stared into his eyes taking on the confident look as she began interrogating him,
"Why did you leave my mum?" He almost choked on the air he was breathing hearing her ask him so bluntly about something and she stared at him waiting for an answer. Tapping her foot against the floor as she placed her hands on her hips
"Do you like eggs? Pancakes?" She stared at him as he avoided her questions, she wanted answers from him
"David makes my pancakes into the shape of Minnie Mouse...Actually, he makes them in the shape of blobs." Jungkook bubbled with anger at the thought of someone else making his daughter breakfast that wasn't him nor you. He didn't know who this man was and now he was finding out that he spent mornings with you both. His family, the love of his life and someone else was making you breakfast. His grip on the tray of drinks tightened so he placed them down so he wouldn't spill them.
"Does David make you breakfast a lot?" She nodded her head seeing no reason to lie to Jungkook. She was only young so she didn't see the big deal with David making her food.
"He's normally here every morning but he's busy lately." He hummed and began making pancakes for Areum making sure he was making them in the shape of Minnie Mouse for her just to prove that he was better than this David guy. Trying to push down the bubbling anger and jealously that was raising inside of him.
"Mummy! Mummy! Look!" You looked behind you on the ladder as Areum came running into the bookshop wearing a bright pink tutu, matching pink tights and a bright pink top and a tiara. You smirked as you climbed down from the ladder.
"Did Jungkook let you pick your own outfit?" You laughed looking as she began twirling around in circles and waving a small pink wand that she had in her hand acting as though she was casting spells around the shop.
"We're playing dress-up!" She cried out, spinning around in circles as the door to the shop opened and David walked through the shop in a pair of jeans and a white shirt holding up some flowers. Sunflowers and red roses were grouped together in a small bouquet, Areum stopped turning and looked at David giving him what you thought was a dirty look but you brushed it off, going over to David to greet him with a kiss. Areum was still giving David a dirty look but you couldn't think what her problem was, she normally loved him coming around.
"You're dressed awfully bright today, what are you doing?" He knelt down to greet Areum but she twirled away from him acting as though she wasn't bothered he was there.
"Me and my daddy are playing dress-up together." You froze as David stared at you, you'd never told him where Areum's dad was either and not to mention who he was. David straightened as he stared at you, wondering why you hadn't told him there was another man in the apartment right now.
"Her dad?" His voice came out cold as he dropped the bouquet down onto the counter, you swallowed the lump in your throat trying to come up with something you could say that would explain it in the most basic way possible. But before you could even think of something Jungkook came into the bookshop with his sleeves rolled up exposing all of the tattoos you'd never seen before including one of an eyeball you thought looked kind of like yours. It was the same colour as yours but it was common for people to have eye's tattooed on then, you shook your head trying to stay in the moment.
"O-Oh erm, Jungkook this is David, David this is Jungkook-"
"I'm Areums father," Jungkook cut you off as he tried to establish his dominance here. They shook hands but you could tell Jungkook was squeezing David's hand just a little as they stared into one another eyes as if they were having some kind of secret men-only conversation between one another.
"Where have you been? Y/n's been raising Areum alone for four years." David asked cockily as he tilted his head to the side. You stared at David as he said that and you stepped between them, splitting them apart so that nothing would happen. The tension in the air was thick, thick enough that you could cut it with a knife.
"I never told him I was pregnant, not that it's down to you to know that." You told him from the start of the relationship that he wasn't going to be like a father to Areum but to David, it felt as though you were defending Jungkook.
"What are you doing here anyway?" You questioned putting the step ladder away as Jungkook and Areum began to chase one another through the aisles of books, laughing and joking to one another. It was nice to see how close they'd grown over such a short time. You watched them both closely questioning what life would have been like if he'd stuck around with you...If he'd even have stayed if he had known you were pregnant with his child.
"Didn't Grace tell you?" Oh fuck. Your date, you'd forgotten altogether until he walked through the door. You were supposed to call in Audrey the part-timer that was working for you over the summer but you'd forgotten to when Jungkook came to the door that morning. Grace would be back later but that wasn't until later,
"I can't. Audrey isn't here and I can't leave Areum alone-" Jungkook came over after catching the end of your conversation,
"Leave her alone where?" Jungkook questioned, raising his eyebrow at you, you shook your head,
"David and I were supposed to go out but I was distracted and forgot to call in the part-timer or a babysitter." He shook his head looking at Areum who was now holding her head and sitting on the floor too dizzy from the spinning she had been doing. Jungkook chuckled softly looking at her and then back up to you.
"I'll watch her, shut up shop for a while. It won't hurt right?" You supposed not but you looked at Jungkook worriedly.
"You can trust me Y/n." It wasn't the fact that you couldn't trust it, it was just that you'd heard that from his mouth before which was why you were still nervous about it but you went against your gut and nodded.
"Thanks, you guys can sit upstairs while I go out. We won't be out late." David watched you as you walked over to Areum to tell her where you were going. He wasn't happy with the fact that you said you wouldn't be out late, he had plans he wanted to stick to with you. Jungkook took this time to look at David properly, from one look he knew he wasn't right for you in any way shape or form. David was boring, he looked like he led a boring lifestyle and had a boring job and he was clearly easily forgettable if you forgot you had a date. As soon as Jungkook saw you struggling to say no to going out he decided to offer his babysitting abilities. He would be able to tell how you feel about David when you came home from the date.
"What do you do for a living?" It was his turn to interrogate someone this time,
"I'm an accountant, why?" David snapped, Jungkook was smirking in his mind. The guy was easily wound up which wasn't good for him, Jungkook would use that to his advantage. Jungkook shook his head and leant on the counter, he still had many questions for David but he knew he wasn't going to be able to get through all of them since you were only with Areum.
"Do you want kids?" He began looking down at the bunch of flowers he'd brought along with him. It was a boring and plain bunch if it was Jungkook taking you out he would have brought an extravagant bunch and made sure you put them in water first.
"If you're asking if I like Areum I do, she's a wonderful girl." Jungkook stared at him and then at you as you came walking over wondering what they were talking about, David seemed tense and Jungkook was relaxed against the counter.
"I'll go and grab the basket." You mumbled, leaving them both as you went towards the back kitchen area.
"Where are you going?" Jungkook went back to questioning David as soon as you were out of earshot and he knew it was safe to do so again,
"Going to take her by the Tuileries garden for a picnic," Inside Jungkook was smirking as he remembered the time he took you there for a date it was one of your favourites places to go and he wondered how many other places you'd been to together with him that you'd been with David. Then he wondered if you'd thought about him while you were out with David if you even liked him enough to keep dating him. If Jungkook still had a chance with you.
"Ready?" You asked, coming over with the basket and looking at David who was staring intently at Jungkook. You frowned watching the two of them engage in, another, silent alpha-male conversation.
"Sure thing babe." He wrapped his arm around your waist and kissed your cheek, something David would never do with you. He was never big on public display's of affection, he regularly told you how disgusting he found it. That and he would never use a nickname with you like that because you told him how much you hated it. The only reason you hated it was because Jungkook was the only one you allowed to call you cute nicknames.
Sitting on the grass you looked around trying to ignore the thoughts going around in your head. You hadn't meant for this, you knew you were there with David but now Jungkook was back in your life you couldn't help but remember the last time you were here with him. The last time you'd been together here, the way you acted around one another.
"So I told Quinn that if he was going to make it such a big deal..." You were drowning out the boring joke he always told you and stared over at the trees where you and Jungkook had carved your initials into it, part of you wanted to run over and see if it was still there but you knew that you shouldn't. Not while David was there with you at least. You knew you should have been focussing on whatever David was saying because he was now looking at you as if he'd asked you a question,
"Sorry. I was just lost in thought, what?" He chuckled shaking his head at you and feeding you one of the grapes from the basket, it was filled with different foods. None of which you were hungry for, your brain was taking over with thoughts of Jungkook and Areum, how it would be to have a picnic with them instead.
"I was asking when Areums dad came back?" You looked down at the blanket and shook your head not wanting to go into detail about it all.
"Last night, he just sort showed up when I wasn't expecting it." He nodded going back to talking about himself as he always did and you stared at the blanket again remembering the last time you saw Jungkook like this. Walking hand in hand to go and put a padlock on the railings full of lovers padlocks, kissing at the top of the Effiel Tower, it had been the most romance you'd ever experienced in your life and you doubted you'd ever get that again. You only ever get one true love and for it it was Jungkook. Your gut sank as you thought about everything you'd been through together, the longer you thought about it the more David began to fade from your mind.
"We've never really spoken about us before..." You frowned at what David was saying, he'd just been walking in silence and now he was staring at you. You were walking side by side past the river near the shop together and he waited for you to ask what he meant.
"Our future." He said as he realised you weren't following along with what he was saying but as soon as the words left his mouth your heart sank. The truth was you'd never seen a future for you and David before, you weren't even sure you liked him as more than a friend and a friend was a push. He was so monotonous and uptight you thought he might crack if you ever told him about the things you and Jungkook used to do on days off. All the adventures you used to go on together. David's idea of an adventure was going to the Effiel Tower and travelling to the top.
"What do you mean?" You questioned dumbly as you tried to play it off as you didn't know what he was talking about. You didn't want to have this conversation. Not here, not now, not ever.
"Well, I mean...I have strong feelings for you Y/n and you've never put anything forward to suggest that back. We're together but we're not together." You knew what he meant, when you first started dating there had been something there but over time it just faded and now with Jungkook showing up your heart was at a crossroads. You'd never really wanted to date David it was just something Grace pushed you into. Telling you that you needed to get back into dating.
"I love you Y/n."
Walking into the shop later that day you found it to be silent so you walked up the stairs to the apartment, the sun was setting outside so it was too early for either of them to be asleep. It had taken you forever for you to convince David that you were tired and wanted to go back to the apartment alone. That you needed time to think over what he'd said to you and that you didn't need him to come back with you. You just needed to be away from him, all you could think about was Jungkook whenever you looked at him. Thinking about the first time Jungkook told you he loved you and how different it had made you feel. When Jungkook told you he loved you it was as if the whole world changed. You could have started floating on a cloud but when David said the same thing it was as if you were in a lead hot-air-balloon and heading straight to the floor. It was wrong to compare everything to Jungkook but it was the only example of love you had, it made you feel uneasy to be around David right now. The sad thing was that you were still madly in love with Jungkook and you knew you always would be no matter what happened, he was still the love of your life and the father of your daughter.
"I mourned for you!" Your daughter yelled out snapping you out of the daydream you seemed to be having. You frowned, walking into the living room to see them both watching Avengers on the big Tv, they were curled up on the sofa reciting lines from the first avenger's movie and you smiled at the sight of them.
"Does mother know you weareth her drapes?" Jungkook chuckled before looking over at the door to see you, he smiled weakly as he waited to see what had happened on your date. You were alone so it was a good sign that things weren't going well.
"How was your date?" He could already tell by the look on your face that you didn't want to talk about it and it filled him with hope at the thought of the date being bad. You clearly didn't like David a lot since you kept him at arm's length but something was different now, Jungkook could sense that something had happened on the date that was making you feel weird.
"Areum go and brush your teeth baby," She walked out of the living room not questioning it. It was still light out so she sat in the bathroom waiting for the all-clear that she could come out. Jungkook continued to watch you as he paused the movie frowning when he saw how you dismissed your daughter from the room.
"Did something happen?" You shook your head, you didn't need to tell Jungkook about the shit love life that you had when he'd probably danced in and out of relationships since being with you. It was clear over the years he'd had his fair share of women from what you'd seen in magazines, you weren't an idiot you kept up with the things he was doing in his life mostly to make sure he wasn't planning on coming back to Paris but there had been nothing about him coming this summer.
"No, we had a nice date, he walked me home and that was it." Jungkook laughed softly as he already had it figured out by the look on your face and the way you were trying to dismiss him now.
"He told you he loved you didn't he?" He scoffed, he knew how you felt about love. The first time you had a conversation about it with Jungkook you told Jungkook you never thought it could be real.
"Not that it's any of your business but yes-" Jungkook's blood began to boil again at the thought of you saying it back to him,
"Did you say it back?" You froze and Jungkook froze as he stared at you, realising that there was a possibility that you did love David, not that Jungkook could see any real reason why.
"You don't love him?" He questioned, his voice coming out softly as he looked at you. His body slowly un-tensed as he realised you weren't sure how you were feeling.
"I don't know." You mumbled, playing with your keys as you tried to avoid looking up at Jungkook.
"You don't know?" He quizzed,
"No," You answered blankly not wanting to get into this right now.
"No you don't love him or no you don't know?" He questioned quickly as he got up from the sofa. You wanted to scream at him so you just threw your hands up in the air giving up with this conversation physically,
"No, I don't know! I don't know if I love him," The door to the bathroom squeaked as it opened and Areum came out clutching a newspaper clipping with a clown on the front of it, you stopped being angry the second she came into the room.
"The funfair is in town tomorrow...Can we all go?" You looked at it, it was a Sunday so the shop would be closed for the day.
"I'll take you baby-" You went to say but she shook her head, looking at the both of you.
"I want dad to come to." Dad? That was a recent development that you weren't used to hearing coming from her. You stared at her in shock and then looked at Jungkook waiting to see what he was thinking about all of this.
"It depends on what Jungkook has planned, I doubt-" You tried to talk but Jungkook shook his head,
"I'll come, I'll go back to my hotel tonight and then meet you here in the morning." She grinned brightly hugging his leg as she got excited for going out as a family the next day. Though she would never tell you this out loud, going out as a family was something she'd always dreamt of. It would make her feel as though she had a normal childhood.
"Can you make the pancakes again, mum loves them in the shape of Minnie just like I do." He nodded and she ran off towards her bedroom and you shouted that you'd be in after letting Jungkook out first.
"You don't have to come back, don't feel forced about staying here." You whispered as you walked down the stairs to let him out of the shop, Jungkook knew what you were trying to do. Trying to push him away but make it seem like it was his idea instead of yours.
"I don't feel forced into staying. I want to spend time with you and my daughter...It'll be a nice day out, I haven't been to the fair since the one I took you to one." He mentioned your fifth date together and you smiled remembering how you kissed him on top of the Ferris wheel at midnight it was also the first night you'd spent together passionately.
"Okay, come by the shop same time in the morning and I'll make sure the door is open for you." You told him as he walked out into the street smiling at you as he pulled on a baseball cap and some sunglasses to keep himself hidden.
"See you in the morning." You nodded shutting the door behind him and locking up as you walked back to the staircase and thinking about David again and those three little words. They should have meant the world to you, every person in the world was dying to hear them from someone but it wasn't David you wanted to hear, say it. You knew that it wasn't David you wanted to hear it from but from Jungkook, you shook your head. Turning off the lights in the shop and headed up to your waiting daughter, ready to question her on how her day went with her father.
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Tagline: @lyoongx @mitzwinchester @fan-ati--c @rjsmochii @kneel-begyourpardon @taestannie @bisexualmess007 @innersooya @sw33tnight @sweeneyblue1 @neverthefirstchoice @jikooksgirl19 @jungkooksseuphoria @queenmasterxx @oosnapitskat @janieooo
#bts#bts x reader#bts x you#bts x y/n#bts imagine#bts imagines#bts smut#jeon jungkook#jeon jungkook x reader#jeon jungkook imagine#jeon jungkook imagines#jungkook#jungkook x reader#jungkook imagine#jungkook imagines#jungkook smut#jeon jungkook smut#kim seokjin#seokjin#jin#min yoongi#yoongi#suga#jhope#hoseok#jung hoseok#kim namjoon#namjoon#park jimin#jimin
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Since I just returned from rehab, here is my.. idk, emotional journey on my chronic illness + mental health or wtf ever u wanna call this. This is the most personal thing I have ever posted but I need to get it out.
Before you read, I guess I gotta tw this for suicidal thoughts and descriptions of my symptoms.
I don’t even know where to start. It feels like all of this happened in one week and at the same in a span of several years. But no idea, time just kept passing and more shit happened.
Last summer was pretty cool. I worked hard and made a fuckton of money - not really considering the consequences of the fact that I overstepped the boundaries of my body every single day. Either way, I regret nothing it was pretty cool and another experience I am glad I could make. Well, but when I came back home, I started to notice a few things. Among some weird shit nobody wants to know about, I noticed a change of my eyesight. There was a cloud right on the vision on my left eye and it got blurry. At first, it started with minutes and then it passed. But I knew my body responded to exhaustion in an odd way so I let it slide. As doctors have instructed me, only when it lasts over 24 hours it’s an actual episode/flare and I should go to the ER -- to elaborate this further, I have been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 2015 and have not had any bigger flares since, only the regular symptoms like fatigue, etc.
I got treated with the regular medication; cortisone. This shit gave me some energy boost for a few days and then, things went back to somewhat normal. The blurry thing in my eye has changed into a weird ass thing called nystagmus. Basically, my eyeball was twitching. It was better than the blurry sight and my doctors told me that physical therapy was the only thing to help me with that, and up until some weeks ago this didn’t stop, at the moment it’s gotten way better though - a relief because that caused me mad headache and made reading really difficult.
Anyway, that was the smaller problem. A few months later, in December around Christmas, I have gotten really weak and have been constantly dizzy. As usual, I let it slide for some days. Up until that point when I couldn’t move from the bed or look at anything else but right up at the ceiling or I would get fucking dizzy. Back to the ER again, the same procedure began. Cortisone resulted in a massive push of energy that lasted for some days, but after that, all the symptoms slowly returned. Not only that, but it started to get worse. I have been dragging and limping with my left foot since months but I still managed somehow to walk and get around. In January I had a major panic attack when I noticed that I couldn’t walk on my own to my doctors, which is merely an 8 minute walk away. I had to call my mom to bring me back home because I couldn’t go any step more. My doctor sent me to the ER but the next day, I decided that I was fine and being over dramatic and everything was perfectly fine. The whole thing kept getting worse, I could not walk anymore, I kept feeling dizzy all the time unless I was staring at only one spot: my laptop or phone. So that was what I did, ignore my symptoms. Adding to my chronic fatigue, dizziness, inability to walk and my eye problem, a sensitivity problem spread all over my body from the chest downwards. My hands hurt and my fingers cramped up and got stiff, I lost all feeling in my feet. I had an appointment at the neurologist thank god, or else, I would have let it gotten worse and kept telling myself that I am being over dramatic and nothing is actually wrong. Delusional? Maybe. I don’t understand myself there either.
The neurologist decided to keep me in hospital for a whole ass week, getting cortisone every day. I got in there with the ambulance in a wheelchair and left out of there walking again. Not perfectly, but I thought things were looking up. Of course, once the high dose of steroids begins to wear off and you slowly come down from it, you first catch sleep. Steroids this time have been given to me five days in high dose instead of three and in addition, I had to take pills that I had to reduce slowly over another two weeks. I did not sleep in those three weeks more than 3-4 hours per night and then I finally could. To make this more understandable; my brain was tired but my body was buzzing. I also had a tremor that has still not entirely left me as a wonderful side effect from the medication.
That time stationary they finally put me back in a MRT and found 2 bigger new lesions. One of them in my cerebellum and the other in my spinal cord. Each of them causing me all those massive problems. Back at home I had physical therapy every day, but despite all of it, I had to rely on a wheelchair. I got my wheelchair in march and named him Otto because he is the best man ever. Next time in hospital, I was mentally and physically just fucking done and tried to just ignore how much my mental health was going downhill along with my body, the neurologist offered me stationary rehab at a very well known center where they treat several physical as well as mental illnesses. I said yes, and luckily got a place in July.
The initial plan was to stay there for four weeks, but the doctors suggested to extend to six. I did. And good that I did. I made slow progress. Very slow. To imagine, in twenty minutes at the first day I could barely walk 130m with four breaks in between, with walking aid and what not - and my last day I made 640m in the same time with no breaks. I know this doesn’t sound like a lot but fuck -- I made it out of a fucking wheelchair. I am walking again. Not perfectly or any good, but my legs are used for their purpose again; to get me through this world. For someone who loves hiking and going for little walks alone, this was such a big deal to just not be able to anymore.
The day I had the panic attack was the day I realized that in 2015 I made a promise to myself that if I ever have to rely on other people, I would end it. But I felt selfish for not wanting to end it. I felt selfish for wanting to live and being a burden to people. I know, none of this is my fault and I am the first to give good advice, but am I good at handling my own shit? Absolutely not.
With all the physical therapy I did for six weeks every day, I also had a psychologist that helped me understand myself better and deal with the trauma this experience brought me. I have to find another psychologist at home as well, because I didn’t feel the one I have helped me at all. I had to make a lot of promises to myself, such as accepting and asking for help and that it’s no shame in doing so. I feared losing my independence and I still do. But fuck, this experience was an eye opener in so many ways. I made new friends in rehab as well, which was one of the coolest things. And I got hit on by two attractive men - can you believe? I was in a wheelchair, dressed like absolute shit and not making any kind of deal of how I look! But yeah, my interest wasn’t really there to get involved in anything. I’ve got a lot of love to give but I need to give it to myself rather than pour it out on someone else.
I learned so many lessons, about my body and about my mind. My brain is an idiot and I have so many fears I was never even able to see until now. I thought optimism could beat everything and well... while it helps me a lot to get through every day life, every now and then I just need a slap in the face to look at things in another light. Not everything is fine if you tell yourself it is, no, you are not over reacting and you are allowed to feel sorry for yourself when life is dealing you a bad card. It doesn’t matter that other people have it worse -- it doesn’t mean your own shit is any less valid. And with that, I am going to wash my face and stop crying. I am still in a shock of reality state because I am back at home now and everything is different. And I got to admit, I feel a little lonely. But I don’t want to reach out to my old friends at the moment with whom I felt like the “sick friend”. I want more friends in similar positions as me so I don’t have to feel bad for... well, feeling bad, and I don’t want to hear any more optimism monologues from healthy people who have absolutely no idea what it is like to have chronic pain, fatigue and overall; an illness. Whether it be mental or physical.
If you really read all of this, thank you. There was no need to, but I appreciate it. I honestly just needed to let it out. Because I haven’t done so properly since all of that started.
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In no particular order, some of my favourite bits of Good Omens fanon:
Crowley secretly replanting the 'bad' plants, or gifting them to Aziraphale or the people living downstairs.
Sentient Bentley and especially the idea that she/it and Crowley actually have a pretty positive relationship, to the extent that he doesn't even try and bully her/it into playing something other than Queen.
Everyone in Soho low-key being aware that old Mr Fell (and that strange, red-headed person he hangs around with) are immortal beings of great power, but just never mentioning it, because there are Rules.
Aziraphale as patron angel of the LGBT+ community throughout history.
Aziraphale 100% fucked Oscar Wilde.
Crowley may or may not have fucked Freddie Mercury, but he definitely knew the man personally and had some level or friendship with him.
Crowley being Good With Kids, in stark contrast to Aziraphale who is… significantly less so.
Warlock meeting up with Crowley and Aziraphale after the apocalypse, and being basically adopted on some level.
Weird-ass angelic/demonic forms of all kinds. Aziraphale being a biblical cherub with three heads from three different species, multiple pairs of wings and a shit-ton of eyeballs.
Speaking of which, Aziraphale as a cherub who got demoted to principality after the whole Eden debacle.
Wing grooming as a form of bonding between celestial beings.
Crowley turning into a snake and hanging out in the bookshop post-apocalypse to scare away customers.
Crowley just moving into the bookshop somewhere on the timeline between 'apocalypse' and 'South Downs Cottage'.
Crowley having various weird and wonderful snakey traits in his human form, including but not limited to: cold blood, the ability to distend his jaw and swallow food whole, and optional fangs and forked tongue.
Crowley's not reading being at least partially due to eyesight problems caused by snake eyes, and Aziraphale lending him audiobooks/reading to him.
#good omens#good omens headcanons#good omens fanon#feel free to add your own#i'll probably reblog with more at some point#crowley#aziraphale
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Piledriver
Dean/Castiel
1815 words
Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair
Coda, Fix-It (sort of), Grief is a weird and protean beast, Second Person POV, but also Dean POV, I realize what a tall order that is y’all but I swear it’s mad judicious
{AO3 version}
You’re not really sure when you started doing it.
That’s a fucking lie.
You started doing it ten, maybe twenty minutes after.
Not as a conscious thing, not like those snappy comebacks you think of the next day, or like those speeches you practice in your head and then never get the chance to deliver. (Although it seems like other people have better luck in that regard.)
It’s more like a tic — like the way Sam used to pick at his hand, or your mom used to hum the same little bit of Stairway to Heaven offkey. (Which was kind of a trip since she’d come back from, you know. There.)
You think: I love you, too.
It’s just a drumbeat of syllables running in the back of your head. Might as well be shave and a haircut. Which you could use, incidentally.
It eases off a little, after the universe ticks over. You’re so fucking relieved that you basically revert to a lower life form for awhile — you’re like a jellyfish, or a fungus, or a Yankees fan. For a few minutes there, things are pretty sweet.
Then the clock starts running again, and you and Sam are faced with the frankly fucked-up necessity of needing a hot meal and somewhere to pee.
It kicks back in then — during the peeing, specifically, because goddamn did the dude never get over what a fucking nightmare it is to have a bladder. Like it actually made him mad. Even after he got his batteries back and was once more able to, like, effervesce fluids out of his body or teleport them to the surface of Mars or whatever, he never stopped giving you pitying looks whenever he got up to use the can. On the road he’d ask if anybody needed a bathroom break at every single freeway exit. You chewed him out once that you in fact were not a four year-old or an Alzheimer’s patient and could therefore hold it for more than twenty minutes at a time, and he looked at you with such bottomless patience and empathy that you could’ve thrown him out of the fucking car. I love you too.
Instead of a heartbeat, it’s like a piledriver hitting the ground ten feet away.
I love you too. It rattles your fucking thighs as you wash your hands in the gas station bathroom. None of the other dudes do because dudes are fucking disgusting. This attitude was maybe part of the problem.
I love you too. You come out and the car’s moved and you have a hot second of freakout, then you see Sam’s just pulled it away from the pump and parked in the lot and honest to God (go team!) you almost burst into tears. What the fuck.
I love you, too.
That night you do your absolute best to lobotomize yourself (not to obliterate yourself, which is a sign of progress and for which effort you absolutely deserve a round of applause from…somebody), but the piledriver just keeps on pounding away and you realize that it’s either piledrive or get piledriven. Sam’s asleep six feet away after his own inpatient procedure but you’re really fucking starting to panic so you say it out loud, anyway.
I love you, too.
And something gives, eases off like a gas bubble turning a corner in your gut, and you pass out.
So you lean into it. You make it your thing. You figure you can either be losing your mind, or practicing, so you choose practicing. You’re showing the powers that be that you’re keeping the faith. You’re holding a torch. You’re being the change you want to see in the world. You’ve talked to coma patients before and you’ve prayed to this asshole before and this isn’t any different. Isn’t it?
Washing the dishes: I love you, too.
Checking the oil: I love you, too.
Swinging a machete and hitting that sweet spot between vertebrae where the head just pops right off, like a Lego dude: I love you, too.
Pulling on socks: I love you, too.
Burning that fucking jacket: I love you, too.
Not out loud, or at least, not where anybody can hear you. That would be weird.
And you know, you know, that he doesn’t hear you, either. You know that, worst of all, he didn’t even need to hear it. You’ve heard a lot of shit about unconditional love, but it’s never had any goddamn appeal to you because, what? Somebody loves you the same no matter what fucked up shit you do, no matter how you feel about them?
That’s either (a) some seriously poisoned Kool-Aid or (b) so huge it’s useless, like giving somebody a galaxy for their birthday. You want unconditional love? Get a fucking dog.
I love you, too.
Lately you’ve been swapping in phrases that have the same rhythm or meter or whatever, so you can say them out loud without worrying anybody more than usual. The rain in Spain does some heavy lifting for a couple weeks, then ba-DUMP-bump, tissshh! followed by the king of beers for about half a particularly shitty afternoon and then closing out with you bet your ass, which is a much better fit for your lifestyle.
So fine, great. Life goes on. You were the subject of his unconditional cosmic love-boner whatever and getting that off his chest was all he needed to go happily fucking off into the abyss. And you’re still down here (up here? over here?), drinking coffee and hating Mondays. Awesome. I love you, too.
This is around when you discover the best match for both meter and tone yet, one so close that it doesn’t even feel like a placebo for the real phrase. It’s a whole different drug, actually. It makes you feel like a million bucks, it’s absolute rocket fuel. If the original is whiskey, this shit is meth. You turn a whole nest of ghouls into one big ghoul smoothie and then at the bar later somebody nervously informs you that you were yelling it out loud the whole damn time.
The phrase is: go fuck yourself.
You imagine it at night, lying in the empty bed, your pulse hammering in time: him standing there, one big cow-eyed khaki rumple, and you yell: Go fuck yourself. You asshole. You bastard. You smug piece of shit. Go fuck yourself. How many times have we done this, and every fucking time you find a way to make it worse. Go fuck yourself.
I love you, too.
After a few weeks it loses its edge. You kinda knew it would, having some experience with the limits of amphetamines and your own rage-juice glands. It downgrades from a battle-cry to a slur. At some point you realize you’re not even saying it to him anymore. You’re saying it to you. Go fuck yourself.
You try to imagine him saying it instead. Go fuck yourself, in that nutso Sam the Eagle voice that he must’ve gotten out of a box of Cracker Jacks, because it sure didn’t come complimentary with Jimmy Novak’s dry-ass mouth. Go fuck yourself, Dean.
Somehow it’s still the nicest thing anybody’s ever said to you.
So you go back to the OG version, and this time it feels like it settles in. You do whatever the psychological equivalent is of buying it a dog bed and a food dish and a leash, and you take it out for walkies whenever it starts to chew on the furniture. I love you, too.
You get so used to its presence that sometimes you even forget it’s there. You’re joking around with Sam, eating sandwiches at some picnic grounds on the way to Sioux Falls for a social visit, and you say some dumb thing to him, who knows about what. Sam rolls his eyes and shakes his head in disgust as required by the kid brother certification board and snorts “I love you, man,” in the way that means how are you even allowed to exist, and you answer “I love you, too,” in the way that means I love you, too.
Sam has seen a lot of wild shit, but the look on his face after that is a brand new one to you.
“Checkmate, asshole,” you say, in case he’s worried you’re gonna off yourself in the bathroom or something.
You do get to say it, eventually.
Like most things in life, it happens after you’ve totally given up, and then totally given up giving up, and have achieved the spiritual equivalent of that shrug emoji Claire sends you sometimes. When the phrase is well past thinking about, when the words don’t even carry any meaning anymore; they’re like the thought version of blinking, or swallowing. A background process, until something flies into your eyeball or you try to breathe a tortilla chip.
So the tortilla chip shows up one day. Don’t worry too much about the details here, just take it for granted that it either required a heroic effort of years that nearly broke you, or that he just showed up unsolicited on the porch like a copy of The Watchtower. Or maybe you’re both dead; seriously, who cares, because regardless — he’s there, and you’re there, and for awhile other people are there too, but eventually they go away.
And it’s him, and it’s you. And if you hadn’t absolutely digested this thing in advance, if you hadn’t broken each word down into its atomic particles and cut and pasted them into your DNA so that 45th century forensic anthropologists from Mars could extract it from a fragment of the the mummified marrow of your left ass-bone, you might’ve said something else.
You said: “I love you, too.”
You realize, in the moment after you say it, that you have reached the limits of your preparations. You’re a samurai with a single move; you’re the cannon in the 1812 Overture; your photo’s in the dictionary under one-trick pony and you’ve got frosted tips and you’re blinking.
You say it again, and then a third time, and a lot of times after that. You keep saying it, for years, in varying degrees of franticness and horniness and happiness and honestly still-fucking-angriness and whatever else is on special that week. You say it to his face and to his dick and to his back and to the mere concept of him well after he’s left the room, left the state, left the dimension. Eventually you stop bothering to say anything else to each other. There are maybe half a million words in your native language, according to Sam, who uses them all, and with everybody else you keep on using the two hundred or so you feel confident about.
But with Castiel, you make do with just the four.
I love you.
I love you, too.
#spn fanfiction#destiel#deancas#spn 15x18#spn 15x19#spn spoilers#pallas perilous fic#fixit fic#15x18 coda
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“i have an unpopular opinion re: Amren on this” 👀 i would like to see it.gif
mmmm okay haha @aelin-godkiller @princessofmerchants-reads
idk if this is *actually* an unpopular opinion because I haven’t seen that much discussion about her and I know that in bookclub our main thought was “wow, Amren is being a bitch”. That’s the extent of what I know people think.
But while yes, I think she was a complete bitch, I think that it made sense for who Amren is and she served a good counterpoint to other’s reactions to Nesta’s self-destruction. So in context, she was super interesting because she was a good example of how during self-destruction, you can push people too far and actually cause irreparable harm to relationships. There are plenty of relationships, romantic and otherwise, that don’t make it out of these situations intact.
I was chatting with some other people and someone said that she doesn’t like how the fae come across as contemporary humans, like people you could bump into on the street. And Amren is the complete opposite of that. Amren is the most other-worldly of all the characters we know. Partly because it’s literally true, but besides characters who are straight up not human-like (Bryaxis, the Suriel) Amren is the most reminiscent of a different time and place.
Amren has always been not *quite* like everyone else. She has no patience and lost all her fucks probably 10k years ago. Any scene where the IC is together, she is calling the characters boy, or girl, she’s always more aloof, she thinks being Rhys’s second is “interesting” because she had never done it before. She holds herself always just a bit separate from everyone else, like she’s watching them from a distance. Judging. Proportionally, she’s like an 80 year old who hangs out exclusively with 5 year olds and infants. She has a completely different set of values and acts accordingly. Her eyeballs roll out of their sockets on a regular basis.
I think that Nesta probably appreciated that Amren is like that. Amren did not care about Nesta’s trauma in the way that everyone else did. Everyone else would treat Nesta with kid gloves or would hold all of her past mistakes against her. But then comes Amren, who does not gaf, who has seen it all, and Nesta felt like she could be herself and open because she knew that Amren would just laugh and say it was nbd and hand me the bottle of wine.
But Nesta wasn’t ready to do that with anyone else, and Amren saw that that wasn’t tenable, and so she probably said “hey, you can’t keep doing this, go make friends your own age and fix this”, and Nesta wasn’t ready to hear it. I headcanoned before acosf came out that their fight probably happened because they are honest with each other, but that Nesta wasn’t yet able to be honest with herself, or at least to deal with the harmful things she knew she was doing. Whereas Amren has probably seen this same story play out a thousand times and though Nesta is a unique individual with specific experiences, Amren still was internally like “omg this again, please deal with your problems, mortal”.
So anyway, during the intervention scene, Amren is a good counterpoint to Feyre. Feyre is barely able to hold it together. You get all these details from Cassian that Feyre is struggling. She didn’t want it to come to that. Feyre was waiting, and hoping, and wishing that Nesta would come around. Trying to figure out how to be supportive while not enabling. This is not me saying “oh poor Feyre”, but just saying here is one way that people were impacted by Nesta’s actions.
Amren is an example of basically the opposite of that. Whereas Feyre is deeply tied to Nesta’s wellbeing, Amren is meh about it. She has very little stake, she isn’t that invested in her friendship with Nesta, and she has very little tolerance for BS.
Another way to view it is that Amren has faith that Nesta will have the strength to persevere and come around. She feels that no matter what she (Amren) says, Nesta will come out the other side healthier and happier and they will be able to go back to chatting shit. Amren just doesn’t feel like she needs to support it in the meantime. Maybe that’s a generous interpretation of Amren’s behavior, but *shrug* given that Amren understood the power that Nesta was trying to grapple with and that she recognized Nesta’s tenacity, to me it’s a possibility.
Also, the whole not telling Nesta about her powers thing was jacked up but Amren is the least sentimental person in the books. She looks at everything from a practical perspective. She will 100% make decisions based on what is best for the largest amount of people, personal relationships be damned. And at that point, I don’t blame anyone for being unsure of where Nesta stood? Elain went to see her and got ripped into? Also High Lords are notoriously power-hungry, so it’s not surprising that even if Rhys trusted her with making objects, any other lord who heard about it would inevitably cause problems. (This was a thing with Eris, yes?)
Some problems I have are:
1) Amren should not have been at the intervention. She couldn’t keep her mouth shut and she just made things worse. She had very little at stake in Nesta’s recovery and I’m no expert on interventions but I would think that it should be people who like.... care?? Speaking of which, why wasn’t Elain there. Anyway.
2) The apology felt like something that Amren would want, but not something Nesta would naturally do. The reconciliation between Nesta and Feyre felt more organic for who they are. Not so with Nesta and Amren.
tl;dr yes Amren was a bitch, but I understand why and it made a lot of sense for who she is as a character and her behavior served as a good contrast to show how someone might react if they aren’t feeling as forgiving as Feyre and Cassian were.
#acosf#acosf spoilers#spoilers#nesta#amren#ask#I am so tired#migraine wiped me out today#hope this makes sense#also shannon I didn't tag you for that opinion on purpose#don't want to share things without you knowing#anon
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Hi! Don’t know if you are still doing Angel vignettes, but here are some ideas :) :(A) Angel revealing the story behind a scar to 180, (B) the POV of Angel learning about 180s torture/backstory while at DIABLO HQs, (C) the aftermath of Angel making his first casualty on the job or finding the body of someone he knew. Thanks!
I chose C! I wouldn’t normally do big backstory stuff like this, but I’ve written it all up now, so just this once y’all can have a little spoilers. As a treat.
Content warnings: gore, eye injury, implied assault, death, drug mention
The man reels back, clutching at his face. His eyeball bulges out of the swollen lids, almost out of the socket, as red and angry as the man's mottled cheeks. His mouth hangs open and a guttural cry rips from his throat.
Noise. Fuck, if others come to help him...
Angel hadn't even realised that he'd made a note of the things on the desk, but his hand goes for the letter opener as if he'd planned it all along, and it's like the weapons trainer is speaking in his head. Soft spot under the chin. Blade's blunt, needs to be hard and fast, put your weight into it. He does, puts so much force into it that he knocks the man to the floor, falling on top of him.
The man's scream cuts off. His mouth gapes open as if in indignation, and Angel sees the glint of metal within, the blood oozing from his split tongue and pouring out of his lips. Still he's moving, limbs flailing; Angel bears down until everything, finally, stops.
Angel stands up. He rearranges his clothes. His shirt won't button right. There's some missing, must have been torn off. Where did they go? He looks down at the carpet, then shakes himself. Stupid. These clothes will need to be burned anyway, get rid of the blood and evidence.
He looks down at the body.
Fuck.
Now it's the spectre of Azazel with him, coolly judgemental. You didn't plan for this, did you? If there's going to be bodies, there needs to be a plan.
Angel grits his teeth. There was a plan. It just needs some - adjustments, now. He hurries to the door of the office and presses his ear against it. No sounds of footsteps, doesn't seem like anyone's rushing to see what's going on. They must be expecting a certain amount of noise, right? Don’t want to barge in and get an eyeful of the boss. A giggle tries to work its way up Angel’s throat and he forces it back down. It’s hard to keep from laughing, though. He feels… giddy, like a cocaine high, his heart pounding a staccato rhythm.
Ok. So. So, first he should do what he's here for.
There was a box of tissues that got knocked to the floor when Angel was sitting up on the desk. He wipes the blood off his hands, then wraps some more tissue around his fingers as he starts going through the drawers. Just like the client said, there’s a little notebook locked in the top drawer with a password list. There’s also a revolver in one of the drawers. Its weight is reassuring, as is the familiar ritual of checking and loading the gun, swinging the cylinder back into place with a satisfying click before tucking the gun into the back of his jeans. He switches the computer on, finds the necessary files, and hesitates. The client said to send direct if possible, but after this? Fuck that. Angel wants to make sure he’s going to get paid what he deserves for this mess. He copies the folders onto a flash drive and shoves it into his pocket.
Now there’s just the one problem. He stares down at the body, willing some good idea to present itself. There’s no way to make this look like anything but murder. People don’t stab themselves like that. Could he take the letter opener and then shoot the guy in the same spot to cover it up? No, the noise. And the eye would still be suspicious.
He could just leave, right? But people saw them. He’d get away with it this time since no one knows him, but it wouldn’t look good for future jobs. DIABLO want ghosts, not people who leave a trail behind. But he can’t haul the body out of here by himself, not without being seen.
He catches sight of himself in the window. Wide-eyed, dishevelled, and - he raises a hand to gently touch the sore skin – already there are livid marks showing on his throat. People would be sympathetic to that, right? Could he spin some story, get help? From who, though? Everyone here works for the dead man. Why would they feel any sympathy? Angel won’t have been the first cute young thing to be brought back here.
He traces the marks again, thoughtful. There’s an idea forming. Maybe not a good one, but the only one he’s got. But he’s going to need something to put the body in.
Very carefully, he cracks the door open and glances out. Empty, for now. Which door does he need? Where had the guy been trying to go, before Angel had cajoled him into getting a look at the office? He takes a guess, and is relieved to find himself in a large bedroom. Bedding, good. Dry cleaning bags in the wardrobe, even better. He scuttles back to the office and begins to wrap the man up.
Several minutes and a swift descent down the drainpipe later, Angel drops to the ground with the dead man’s car keys clutched in one sweating fist. Gravel crunches beneath his feet. He moves towards the parked Jaguar as silently as possible and hides behind it. Sweat blurs his vision and he has to wipe it away with his sleeve. The giddiness is turning to nausea.
There’s a voice changer function on his phone. He must have collected enough of a sample of the man’s voice, the guy was a real talker. Now he just needs to remember… he screws his eyes closed, trying to concentrate. When they first arrived and the man had called over to his security guy, what was the name?
He licks his lips, then presses the call button.
“Sir?” comes the muffled voice.
“Marc,” says Angel, and the changer produces the wheezy tones of the dead man. “There’s been a small complication. Go upstairs, you’ll find a package that I need you to dispose of. I’ll be taking the Jaguar. If anyone asks, I’ve been out all evening.”
There’s a pause, and Angel bites his lip so hard he starts tasting blood.
“I don’t remember seeing you this evening, sir,” says Marc, and Angel punches the air in silent jubilation. “I will take care of that other matter.”
“Very good. I’ll be sure to reflect that in your pay this month,” Angel says, and hangs up. He has to force himself to go up the driveway at a casual pace, but once he hits the road he floors it. Adrenaline is surging through him and he’s riding the wave now, every inch of him alive. Time to meet up with the client again. Time to renegotiate some terms.
--
(tbh I could do option B, but it’s basically, Angel reads the file that says what happened and goes ‘huh, that’s fucked up’. They wouldn’t have any kind of strong reaction to it)
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lucky charms- h.rj
characters; ravenclaw! renjun x hufflepuff! reader ft. gryffindor! mark and gryffindor! jeno (sigh)
summary; with the exams coming up, you need a little help with your charms. well you dont, you just needed an excuse to talk to your long time crush, huang renjun
an; i literally changed this on the spot 🤡 plot holes here i come- (also id like to think jeno is more of a hufflepuff but idk man)
sigh okay this is a long boi
end of year exams were in just a few weeks
yay, your absolute favourite !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sarcasm
now, charms
in room 99, classroom 2E in the south tower
i did my research
you were pretty good at charms, not nearly as good as you were in the care of magical creatures and herbology though
still above averagely good
you know who else was good at charms?
huang renjun
the star ravenclaw prince boy, the pride of the house and a very beautiful boy
best boi renjun
if jeno was being quite honest he was SICK AND TIRED of hearing you two pine over eachother
jeno met you in first year, and you quickly became best friends and even ended up in the same house as eachother
despite having different friend groups (your friend group consisted of you and eunji), you stayed best friends until now aka 5th year
just go with it okay
so as he was saying before i digressed, jeno physically is pained as he watched the longing glances both you and renjun throw when the other isnt looking
but it isnt his business to meddle with your lack of relationship problems
best boi part 2
BUT! but! he will give you both a tiny! eensy! little! minuscule! nudge
that nudge being forming a plan with you
you were slightly reluctant when jenos very enthusiastic face greeted you at the table saying he had ‘a totally brilliant, spectacular, show stopping, wonderful, flawless plan’
this was jeno we were talking about
the same boy who planned the failed midnight snack run a few weeks before
and as soon as he mentioned renjun your eyes narrowed
"proceed."
the plan was for jeno to ask renjun to tutor his friend who was falling behind in charms
said friend was you
and you were ahead of the class
bUT!! you agreed because he wasnt in your class, so there was no way he could know that right?
wrong.
who was in your class?
mark lee. one of renjuns best friends.
also the boyfriend of eunji and the reason you wanted to gauge your eyeballs out everytime you turned around to talk to them
thats right eunji ditched you to sit next to her little markie. bitch.
nonetheless, you agreed because your dumb, spontaneous ass forgot that renjun even knew mark, because if someone said ‘whos mark?’ you would go ‘eunjis boyfriend’
so of course, when all the students were making their way to their class, jeno caught up with renjun seeing as they both had muggle studdies
"hey man, i have a favour to ask"
stage one of operation: stop the oblivious fuckers from pining over eachother (that name may need some revamping) was a-go
"depends what said favour is"
smart boi™️
"is it possible to tutor one of my friends in charms for the upcoming OWLs?"
oh? this piqued china pretty boys interest
"i mean, sure, i could do with some revision too. tell them to meet me at the library after school"
and so jeno walked away with a smug smirk, victorious
and when jeno told you he had agreed later in potions, you were yet you werent surprised
so of you trotted after last period, kinda nervous because youre about to be in the literal breathing proximity of renjun
like obviously youve talked to him before but this time it was just you and him
alone
no get those thoughts out of your head
n e ways u perv
renjun sat at the back table, textbooks and notebooks with his neat writing in both chinese and korean all over the pages
smart boi part 2
so seeing him not looking at you
attention whore
wow why am i so mean today
you sat down and cleared your throat, placing your blank notebooks on the table so the boy wouldnt get suspicious
you had to pray to whatever gods were listening for your cheeks not to flare up the colour of the strawberries you had for breakfast
healthy girl™️
and the gods apparently answered your prayers
because as soon as renjun looked up and into your eyes you swore you were too distracted for your blood cells to even think about moving towards your face
and renjun nearly had a heart attack (by aoa)
poor boy
jeno had NOT told him that he would be tutoring you
he was going to be choked later
"sorry im late"
renjun was nearly offended that you would even apologise to him for being late by
2 minutes and 48 seconds
"no no its okay i havent been here long"
that was a lie he had study period last and has been sat in the same goddamn chair for an hour already but your presence made his ass cheeks ache less
so he started teaching you, but ???
you seemed to fully grasp the concepts
confused boi
excuse me ma’am/sir/señor/señorita whatever you prefer to go by-
you need to brush up on your acting skills dude
appalling smh your drama teacher back from your muggle school would be completely distraught
so for the next hour renjun ‘tutored’ you
things you already knew but this was a dream-
and actually he was a funny guy
he was also muggle born, so you could both relate over things you experienced as a kid
this lead to a raging debate over dora the explorer
that bitch was shaded in said debate, fully annihilated
hola soy dora your asshole
but,, it was fun. because jeno was pureblood and grew up knowing about all his magicky stuff so he was kinda boring sometimes
no tea no shade
but you ended the session with smiles on both your faces, cheeks literally aching with how hard youd been laughing and smiling
so lads
the next day at breakfast renjun was all happy, plonking himself next to mark at the gryffindor table because
man does not give a SHIT about the looks he was getting. he is huang renjun.
"why are you so smiley this morning? and why didn’t you come to my common room last night"
the gryffindor common room was the dreamie hang out
no one dared tell THE mark lee to go somewhere else with his friends
"sorry, last night i was tutoring y/n in charms" smiley boy still
mark seagull eyebrows: activated
excuse him?? charms?? you?? the one who got an outstanding in your report card??
something smells fishy here
"renjun... y/n got an outstanding on her charms"
eunji who had magically appeared next to mark basically said what he was just thinking
confused boi part ??
"wait what?"
but later on he didnt question you about it
he silently observed you
he told himself that anyway
quite honestly if you were spending time with him he was not about to complain
he was staring at you, simply put
my leng bby (thats you, youre my leng bby)
so for the next 2 weeks every day after school you would meet up to ‘catch up’ on your charms
that being said it literally always, every time, ended up with you two talking about something unrelated
like the 5th day you had a conversation about which series of power rangers was better
"SPD, obviously"
AM I THAT OLD?? on god i hate it here
"no, y/n, we all know that dino force is better"
i agree with y/n on this one pal
on the 7th day you talked about muggle sports that you both enjoyed
"i played a lot of cricket"
"cricket? okay tory"
"i am NOT a tory"
on the last day when you should have been, you know, LEARNING
you were having a lovely old chinwag about the x factor
"simon cowell is a king"
"i agree"
legend behaviour if you ask me
wait does chinwag exist in other countries??? translation: chat
so of course the exams came up
but you were dreading them for a different reason
this meant the end of tutoring with renjun
this was super bittersweet, you wanted to spend more time with eachother
you literally could it wasn’t that deep both of you are so dumb smh aint nothing stopping you
jeno agrees with me too, mans pulling out his hair still as you had somehow not gotten together yet
it was like watching snails race, incredibly frustrating but you know that there is the finish line somwhere over the horizon
so you took your exams and both of you passed with flying colours, obviously
smart kids
and you ran right to renjun to celebrate
seeing as he had
not really helped you but you thought that he thought he helped you
oh no honey he knew that you didnt need help
but he didnt know whether to confront you about it?
rip your guilty conscience
so after a long discussion with mark, our china boy decided to ask why the heck you wanted his help when you were absolutely fully capable
unlike mark
and when you saw him approach you first in the halls your heart went
NYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
that was the sound of a fast motorbike
"hi y/n"
‘damn renjun, couldnt have thought of anything better than that?’
"uhh hi renjun"
awkward silence by stray kids
"i just wanted to know why you asked for my help"
okay where is the nearest shovel and what is the most efficient way to dig a large hole-
as if renjun sensed your panic radiating off you in waves
which he did
"not that it was an issue! i enjoyed spending time with you, it was just, you didnt really need help"
he was a pure boy
so you puffed your cheeks and decided to just come clean
somewhere, jeno felt his senses tingling
"genuinely i just wanted to spend some time with you because i really like you"
renjun froze and wanted to smack his head into a wall
bruh
you noticed his expression and panicked yet again
stop panicking man its okay i gotchu
"it was jenos idea"
blame jeno is always a fool-proof plan b
unless you get pregnant, that would not be a good idea
so i guess its not fool proof
BUT I DIGRESS
renjun face palms and groans
"youre kidding me! all this time we wasted doing boringass charms work when we couldve gone on dates"
confusion™️
but?? you felt hopeful??
"i dont think im on the same wavelength"
"i like you too dumbass"
oH so YOURE the dumbass??
yes, yes you are renjun is best boi, accept the L which is really a W bc renjun likes you back
jeno who had found his way to you, listening from around the corner sighed in happiness
"fucking finally!!"
#nct#nct dream#jeno#lee jeno#mark#mark lee#nct hogwarts au#renjun#huang renjun#hufflepuff reader#OWLs#just two dudes deadass pining after eachother
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