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carrionhearted · 4 months

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Im gonna infodump about my ocs because I can’t stop thinking about them. This will be a book… One day. Read on with caution, this is a horror book with very dark subject matter and mild body horror.

There are two mcs, a closeted gay trans man (Eden), and a severely repressed cis gay man (Harlow). Both raised in a hyper-conservative hyper-religious Deep South town IN THE 80S.

Their story is about the deadly consequences of repression, the cycle of abuse, learned hatred and destructive coping mechanisms. Harlow grew up with an INCREDIBLY toxic father who drilled toxic masculinity into him (having feelings is shameful) as well as homophobia. He only ever demonstrated "solving" problems with violence. Harlow was never given the tools or space to unpack any of his feelings ever. So he grew up to become this repressed, horribly frustrated and confused adult who could not understand his attraction towards other men.

Being gay wasn't even a thought in his mind, it wasn't a possibility to him. His father constructed this impenetrable wall of “us” vs “them” in Harlow’s mind- and like a plant deprived of sunlight, he never grew tall enough to see over it.

All he knew was this gut-wrenching hunger, this insatiable craving for other men’s bodies which he couldn't place- something about the flesh, the warmth, he hungered for it in a way which became unbearable. This did not register to him as sexual, again, that wasn't even an option… but he didn’t know what it was. And when you don’t know how to process your own emotions, it all eventually turns into frustration/ rage. So he solved this problem in the only way he was ever taught how- with violence! He killed men, initially choosing those he deemed deserving of death, and he ate them. An attempt to satiate the hunger. This became a habitual thing and he just… kept doing it. Not because it brought him any real satisfaction, it just snowballed into an addiction and he needed his fix. His town caught on to the string of murders, but he was flying completely under everyone’s radar. We’re talking about a 6’ mullet-having yeehaw dude who’s generally reserved and works for his family’s farm, nobody was really looking at him here.

Important backstory tidbit: Harlow was taught how to hunt as a kid. His father took him on outings, which were maybe the only positive memories he had of that man- and they would hunt deer together. He was taught to always use the whole animal, never let anything go to waste- because everything is valuable.

Everything is a gift. “It’s only murder if you waste the animal” (this heavily influenced his later cannibal ways).

One day as a young teen, he found himself alone for a trip. That's when he was approached by this deer- it looked sickly, almost like it was rotting while alive (it had Chronic Wasting Disease). It was clearly suffering, made clear by its complete lack of survival instincts. It walked right up to his gun. It was in pain. He shot it to put it out of its misery, but he did not take the meat. What was he supposed to do? It was useless to him,, he couldn't eat the rotting meat, and despite that he still felt an immense guilt for leaving it behind. Killing, and just abandoning the body. It registered to him as murder. He carried that feeling of guilt with him for the rest of his life. He vowed to never discard a body again.

Eden is a trans man who knows he's trans, but is out to practically nobody during the story. He’s the youngest in his family, with four older brothers. His parents were NOT suited to be parents- they were self centred people who treated their children like accessories. The parents obsessively kept up this “picturesque good Christian family” facade to the world, but that became harder to maintain as they had more kids. They started having to cut corners financially, to the detriment of those kids. That said, every one of their children was planned. The reason they kept having kids despite their situation was because the mother wanted a daughter. Then, Eden was born, assigned female at birth. Since his birth Eden had been treated like a precious doll more so than a child- he was sheltered and only received direct attention from his parents when they needed to dress him up all pretty for Sunday service. There was an incredible amount of pressure on him to be what everyone wanted. He was also raised VERY religiously, all of which MAJORLY contributed to his inner-turmoil abt being trans. He didn’t even have a word for it, to be “trans”. Only this unmistakable discomfort, guilt and shame, feeling like something is wrong with him, feeling like god made a mistake with him. Again, conservative religious south, he has no space to explore these feelings safely. He's pushed it all down and let it fester inside until it started gnawing away at his very being.

A few years prior to the story, this began to manifest physically as a literal rot. This spot of decay on his chest that's been growing and sinking deeper into his body for years. Sloooowly eating away at him, on track to continue until there is nothing left to devour. By the start of the book it’s claimed most of the flesh on his chest- his ribcage is sparsely covered with any skin at all- and the organs beneath are made vulnerable by it. However, he is horrified to seek medical attention. He sees the rot as a marking of his sin, god has stamped his body with this ugly decay to let everyone else know he's defective.

He hides it beneath layers of clothing. Being on his chest, it’s in a place that only an intimate partner would ever see- considering he's perceived by the world as a "woman".

In a… complicated series of events involving ✨societal pressure and coercion✨, an "intimate partner" does end up seeing his chest (Eden is not clear minded when these events are taking place).

This partner reacts with repulsion and violence, to the extreme that Eden fears for his life. He kills the other man in self Defense. (This sequence alludes to the “trans panic” legal defense which is still permitted by many US courts. If you pursue someone intimately, don’t like what you see beneath their clothes, and you KILL THEM- you can claim “I panicked because I didn’t know they were trans” and get a lesser sentence. It’s bullshit and I’m gonna attempt to very delicately write this scene to highlight how bizarre and unwarranted the male partner’s violent response is. The rot in this instance is symbolic of the perceived defect).

In disposing of the body, he runs into Harlow. They find eachother in a (undecided) remote, secretive location.

You’ll never guess what Harlow is doing! Also disposing of remains (bones n guts), at the same place, face hidden while he does so. They have a mutual deer-in-headlights standoff. There IS an open case of serial murders in their small town… Harlow is responsible. Eden realizes this after a short exchange of stunned words, and totally breaks down. Heavy dialogue exchange, Eden feels completely defeated and destroyed by guilt, he just begs Harlow to kill him. Harlow responds by saying he only kills men (Eden is closeted and passes as a woman). This pushes Eden over the edge and he snaps, he shouts that he is a man, this is the first time he’s ever said it out loud. Harlow is… confused, but intrigued. He doesn’t want to kill Eden, but he’s not sure what he does want to do. He decides to knock Eden out… which he does very easily.

Eden wakes up in a different location. Some not so great smelling farmhouse of sorts. Harlow enters the room eventually and explains… “I disposed of that body for you, don’t worry about that right now. I bruised your head pretty bad when I knocked you out, sorry about that, I didn’t mean to use that much force. I made you some soup! It’ll help. The meat is pork. Don’t worry about it. Let’s talk. :3” They’re still both very unsure of each other but neither have much to lose (they also have mutual blackmail) so they start talking. AND BOOM

COMPLICATED SERIES OF EVENTS

ENSUES AND THEY BOND OVER SHARED EXPERIENCES, TEACH EACH OTHER TO UNLEARN THEIR TOXIC AND DESTRUCTIVE WAYS, HAVE A ROMANCE WHICH SERVES AS A VALIDATION ARC FOR EDEN AND A SELF-ACCEPTANCE ARC FOR HARLOW AND YADA YADA. They are both profoundly disturbed individuals who have done terrible things but the whole point is to hold a magnifying glass to their actions and point out HOW and WHY they fucked up. To condemn that path, the mindset behind it, and the people who carried on those abusive cycles before them. I want to thoroughly examine and chip away at the layers of external influence that lead these characters to their lowest life points- and reveal the truth beneath them. These were once children, full of love and openness as we all once were- the problem is larger than the individual, it’s a societal issue of passed down bigotry and stubborn refusal to progress. It’s a toxic cycle of violence with very real, very deadly consequences for all involved. The characters both do BAD things, that’s the POINT.

Important backstory tidbit: In Eden’s childhood, he found a baby bird fallen a long ways from its nest. It was hurt, and he brought it inside to a small cage. He figured the cage would serve as protection for the bird as it grew- it was so delicate, it needed the shelter. But that cage was tiny. He fed the bird, tried to take care of it and gave it all its base survival needs. The bird was offered food, water and a cage. But that is all. That’s all Eden was given in his home, he thought that meant it was enough. He watched it grow into a young dove, but as it aged it only got sicker. This bird was deteriorating before his eyes and he couldn't understand why- he feared it would die in that cage. As soon as it became old enough to fly, Eden made the decision to release the bird. It was sicker than ever, Eden knew it didn't have long. He knew releasing it would practically be a death sentence, but it was going to die soon either way. He did not want the bird to die in the cage.

When released, the dove didn't even know how to flap its wings properly. The cage was too small to stretch them out, it had never even had the chance to learn how to fly. It didn't know how to find food. It didn’t know how to identify danger. And on the next morning, Eden found that bird on the ground outside of his house, dead. It was being picked away at by a vulture.

Eden felt relief.

The bird had died. It didn't make it. But it brought him peace to know it didn't die in that cage. That bird had never known the love of its mother, or siblings, it had never known what it was like to be wanted and cherished. That role was left to the vulture, who had never turned away from the unsightly or damaged. It had swooped in with the unconditional love of an angel, and carried the dove off into the sky above- its stomach, a chariot to heaven. It was gruesome watching the vulture feast- but it had such a tender appreciation in its eyes. It kept the circle of life in motion. In a way, Eden found this ending happy.

Eden’s symbolic bird is a dove, Harlow’s symbolic bird is a vulture.

They both die at the end of the story.

They'd become very close over the span of it though- they resolved their issues together, but in doing that they found themselves further ostracized from the world around them. They backed themselves further and further away from the world, until they finally hit a corner. Their past destructive actions were also catching up to them- the murders that is, they ended up on the run from police. It all came back to bite them.

The rot on Eden’s chest had spread throughout his entire body, and it was past the point of no return. No medical intervention would help at this point. One night, after a close encounter with police left them both wounded- Eden and Harlow both realized that these were Eden’s last few hours.

His body was decayed and rotted, he was sick, he was injured, he was visibly suffering. He would die soon, it was inevitable. Harlow decides to put him out of his misery. But he couldn’t stand the thought of discarding the body. He didn’t want him to die unloved.

Reaching into Eden's exposed ribcage, Harlow removed his heart from his chest. He knew this would be a death sentence, but he was going to die either way. He didn't want him to die in the cage.

He ate the heart, rotting and tainted as it was, he saw every part of his lover as a gift. Nothing goes to waste, for every rotting animal there is a grateful vulture. One which will see your defect and cherish you all the same.

Is now a good time to address the name Eden? I feel like most people are familiar with the gay love = forbidden fruit and/or cannibalism = forbidden fruit metaphor… yk, the embrace of supposed sin, being arbitrarily kept from the sweet, nutritious fruit of the garden. Passing through the gates of Eden (ribcage again) and eating the apple (his heart).

:3 anyways

Harlowstayed with the body until he also died (unrelated wounds from the chase). Decades later they would be found as skeletons in an unmistakable embrace, none of the flesh which made people scorn them during their lives. They were seen as lovers then, and were finally understood.

ALSO ALSO SO SYMBOLISM RIGHT. RELIGIOUS SYMBOLISM??? REMEMBER HOW EDEN WAS RAISED AS HYPER-RELIGIOUS???

So cannibalism as a metaphor for QUEERNESS now. A craving for the forbidden flesh. To partake in another's body in the most intimate and fulfilling way. But living in a world that sees it as repulsive…

Right? You with me?

Ok and then the inherent divinity of transness. To partake in the act of creation alongside God, to resculpt yourself in divine image. Jesus was not simply born of genetic material (yk how transphobes love to say “blah blah blah you can’t change your chromosomes!!” Like… if we use that logic, Jesus is trans. He’d have XX chromosomes because... miraculous conception.

No sperm, which provides the Y chromosome, which creates a male body. BUT OBVIOUSLY THAT DOESNT FUCKING MATTER BECAUSE HES A MAN REGARDLESS!!!! JESUS WAS A DUDE!!!). He was created by WILL.

The will of god, a version of himself, to BE!!! Fully human, fully god, flesh and blood in an image he himself designed. Holy trinity being the same entity and all, Jesus’s body was his own design in a way.

YOU WITH ME???

OKAY AND SO.

GAY CANNIBALISM… TRANS LOVER.

TO PARTAKE IN THE BLOOD AND BODY OF CHRIST. THEOPHAGY.

THE ULTIMATE HOLY COMMUNION.

TO CONSUME YOUR LOVER AS AN ACT OF WORSHIP, CONVEYING YOUR LOVE FOR EVERY PART OF THE BODY THEY'VE GROWN TO DISPISE. TAKING A PHYSICAL PIECE OF THEIR LIFE INTO YOURS AND UNITING YOUR VERY BEINGS. UNCONDITIONAL AND ETERNAL LOVE, DESPITE ONE’S FLAWS.

TO THINK OF YOURSELF AS CARRION AND BE FOUND BY THE MOST GRATEFUL VULTURE.

A DEAD AND ROTTING GOD STILL BRINGS LIFE TO THE MAGGOTS WHICH FEED ON ITS CORPSE!!!

RAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m unwell I’m unwell I’m unwell I need to actually get to writing this NOW

#my ocs #ocs #original character #original writing #writing #cannibalposting #cannibalism #horror #horror writing #queer author #queer fiction #book wip #dark romance

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podraje · 7 days

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[me to me]: writing is your hobby. Hobbies should be fun. It's not your job. You can write whatever you like. You don't have to force yourself to do it. You are not useless If you don't feel like writing. You want to be an author, but you're not yet. You might as well get published after 30. It might not be the story. It might never become your job. It's okay. You should be having fun. Write as many things as you want. Have as many drafts of different stories, as you want. You already have one job, you don't need to fall under the pressure to capitalize off of everything you do. HOBBIES SHOULD BE FUN!!!

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rants-n-chants · 11 months

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It has begun. So I've never written a book before, but turns out all that reading I did growing up has really inspired me to create my own. Also it turns out trauma and crisis offer alot in the ideas department. (not me purging my tormoil and agony into ink).

This is still in the very early stages, the plot is loose and hardly set in stone but I have some (I hope) interesting character arks and themes. I have no idea what I'm doing but this is offering some kind of inner healing, to turn the pain into something else. (make my character go through unspeakable pain, but also make them stronger mentally than I'll ever be. Or not).

An except from it so far. (title is still undecided) named 'Sundial' for now

"Well, what do you see"? Colin looked around, there wasn't anything in particular that jumped out at him, a small grove of tress nestled together, a patch of daisy's freckled white against the green and the blue reached out and up from it. "I see something I don't understand".

#Sundial #27rantinglilies #writeblr #wip #book wip #writing #27paperlilies #writer #aspiring author #aspiring writer

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hatetolove-lovetohate · 2 months

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I am an author myself (not a publicised one but I am) and I think we need to stop giving credits to authors who create plot holes. No, they didn't want to make it mysterious nor did they have an ulterior motive behind it. It is a plot hole or it is badly written (which is practically the same thing). Sometimes we need to stop looking for excuses. You can like the book but just acknowledge that there are plot holes. Thank you.

And yes, if anyone ever reads my books and finds a plot hole, tell me so I can fix it.

#writing #writeblr #writers and poets #writers on tumblr #writerscommunity #books and reading #bookblr #booklr #books #author #creative writing #writers #book work in progress #work in progress book #work in progress #wip #book wip #books & libraries

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krisnosura · 4 months

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#benuchand #benudhar acharya #chandrabhan phukan #ksa #krisnosura #writeblr #writerblr #writers on tumblr #writing community #writers #writing wip #book wip #writing snippet #my ocs #oc stuff #oc #ocs #book oc

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erieautumnskies · 7 months

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Novel Moodboards 📚

Allow me to guide you into my character's worlds, one image at a time.

🔖Edge of Being - YA Realistic Fiction, Coming of Age, LGBTQ+ Romance. (Standalone Novella)

🔖Cloaked in Dusk - Fantasy, Romance with LGBTQ+ Rep. (Standalone)

🔖Lies Beyond the Bluff - Urban Fantasy/Paranormal, Mystery, elements of Platonic Romance. (Standalone)

🔖Exiled Sanctum - Japan-inspired Cyberpunk, Sci-Fi Fantasy, Dystopian, LGBTQ+ Romance implied but not the primary focus. (Duology possible)

I hope you enjoyed the peak into my inspirations for them! Let me know of which ones caught your eye the most!

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prince-of-pages · 20 days

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reading update

small reading update for the day.

i'm about halfway through the winners, it has been going a bit slow for me but i honestly just think i'm in a physical reading slump and i'm trying to push through it. ugh.

next, i just started how to sell a haunted house by grady hendrix and im about an hour into it and its pretty good. i really like the buildup so far and the brother mark is so sus i feel like he has smth to do with the parents' death. idk though but that is my theory so far!

anyway, feel free to let me know what you're currently reading if you'd like or just let me know if you've read either of these so far!

until next time! probably tomorrow

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kindcannibalism · 11 months

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Raphael reincarnated continues to carry the curse.

These are characters from my book that I wanted to draw together.

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maddyc-drawings · 2 months

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“What if someone came to you—disemboweled by the hounds after only having lived twenty-six human years—and said that if you followed their orders, you could keep your tongue and live a life of luxury? Would you accept?”

Twenty-six years, barely a gasp of breath on the cosmic scale compared to eternal damnation. It was like comparing the spark of a match to the nuclear fusion of a star.

Out of all of my ocs from my book wip, Ashton is both the hardest to write AND to draw. Like dude, pick one or the other.

Wings of Faith Portrait Series 2024 Andrew - Ashton - Emmie - Seth - Dante - Jude

#wings of faith #wof #book wip #writeblr #booklr #art #oc #original character #my oc #artist #artists on tumblr #artblr #artwork #digital art #procreate

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27paperlilies · 4 months

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Wip excerpt - Apparitions

"Why do you want me gone so badly".

"You scratch at the walls, y-you bother me, this isn't your place!"

It's shiny black eyes simply blinked in response before it uttered four quiet words, "I was here first".

We think we are the giants of this world, but what if something bigger came along and thought us a bother, like we do a mouse. Would you run and leave your house.

#27paperlilies #wip excerpt #apparition #writeblr #creative writing #writing #writing community #spilled ink #writblr #book wip #novel writing #excerpts #writers #writerscommunity #tumblr writers #writers corner #writers of tumblr

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your-absent-father · 9 months

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Okay the poll was a tie with drabble and the vanishing act so I had an idea. I am going to make drabbles of the performance on the Moirai's fairground.

First up, Vicki the clown. Let's see when I am going to dp next.

Vicki the Clown

In a puff of smoke, a small looking clown appeared in the middle of the circus floor. She was wearing a white tutu that looked almost child size compared to her long legs that were hidden behind black and white stockings. She was wearing the same colored gloves which reached over the woman's elbows. Only skin she was showing was on her face and neck, which was painted snow white. Her clown face was almost comically overdone. Her smile was almost unnerving. Her eyes were hidden behind her giant afro, but you could still feel like she was watching you.

Flash a smile, my dear

Sing and dance, my dear

Make them laugh so loud

They forget their sadness and their fear

Don't feel doom and gloom

Just sing along with my tune.

My dear, let's goof around,

turn that frown upside down

And tell some jokes.

Almost from nowhere, dozens of clowns started running towards her. They started trampling one another with more and more ridiculous ways, like with a giant mallet or with wrestling moves. When they reached the woman, they started dancing the same way the main clown sang, which was very cute with some very suggestive moves thrown in the middle, which felt almost perverse considering her child-like outfit.

Hello everybody, my name is Vicki

Other clowns would say I smell really Icky.

I like to dance around with all my friends

I hope this happiness will never end

My skin is white like the christmas snow

Unless you see me in the shadow

When the other clowns were around Vicki, one by one they started to fight to be next to her. When pushing or other ways didn't help, the other people started to fall when the clowns started to knock each other out till only few were left.

Boys love Vicki

They really love me

But only thing I ever love is

How much money they give me

All the jewelry and fancy dresses

Is all that you need

To buy my fancies.

Give love to poor little Vicki

So you will get the queen of the clownies.

The few clowns left were satisfied with being close to Vicki. They tried to get close to Vicki themselves. Grabbing her and throwing her all around the arena. Vicki didn't seem to care at all. She was still smiling, no matter what position the other clowns put her in. Her face changed only when one of the clowns poured water in her head, ruining her makeup and making her hair wet. After being still for a few seconds, she started dancing the same dance as in the beginning.

Flash a smile, my dear

Sing and dance, my dear

Perform your fucking best

till the curtain draws to close

I do not want to go

But it's the end of my show

So I say good night

And say goodbye

And go.

While Vicki was performing the final steps, all the clowns that had lost the battle of Vicki's affection started to walk closer to her with a giant water bucket. After her final move was up, Vicki put her hands to her chest and started falling backwards the same time other clowns threw the water in her face. In the end, only a water stain was left in the circus arena.

"That was Vicki the clown! Wasn't she goofy?" K, the ringmaster yelled. "Next up, our queen on horseback and her beautiful cast of animals."

#wip: circus moirai #writeblr #writing #wip #book wip

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missingcarrion · 1 month

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carrion / prologue

please read pinned post for more info on this project. there will be heavy topics discussed in this project that the pinned post lists.

There are no smells when you’re dead. There’s nothing but the company of the Empty. You feel nothing, you see nothing, you are nothing. You are the absence, the void of being. But this is the price, you think, a price for a crime you don’t even remember. A crime you’re not even sure you committed. This is all there is now. All that there is in the Empty. Control. Obedience. Punishment for things you don’t even know. This is familiar, somehow, and you recognize it and there is safety in that familiarity.

A voice tells him yes, that this is all that he will be, but the voice isn’t his own. Oddly, he hears other voices too, other voices that are definitely not his own (despite the one that is his voice, but doesn’t sound right) and worse is the hands that he feels ghosting across his body. Voices are speaking to him, telling him to relax, and then he feels something sharp, something long and then, JAM into the base of his skull.

The pain is white hot, tearing screams through his lips – something isn’t right. Something is wrong. There is no sound to his screams, there’s no mouth for the screams to escape. His hands don’t move, his body is frozen – rigid against this cold slab of metal. But he… he can’t move. His body refuses. They’ve done something to him, they’ve had to have. They must’ve…

The pain grows until he hears a crack! And the needle, the thin, cold and sharp needle, sinks further and then everything ceases to exist, there is nothing. No pain. No hate. Nothing.

Is it seconds, minutes? Hours? Months? Time passes, and yet, when he awakens, nothing is right. Something is different about this. There is no getting out of bed and sliding the slippers on. There is a hum of machinery instead, and an odd feeling that something is off – a feeling he brushes aside. After all, nothing can be wrong. He doesn’t remember anything that would support anything being wrong.

The room is a bleak white, with nothing but wires lining the walls, feeding into whatever it is that’s just out of view beneath him. He… cannot move his head, and while something tells him that isn’t right, he ignores it. There is nothing truly wrong.

Two men wander into the room with clipboards and well-ironed white coats that have golden embroidery just above the breast pocket. They eye him, but do not seem to acknowledge that he’s awake. They jot things down and murmur against themselves, like they’re talking about him. How… curious.

“Hello.” He says, and he intends it as a question, but the voice that comes out is one he doesn’t recognize. It sounds unfamiliar, unrecognizable, like someone else was speaking instead of him, but he cannot muster the ability to worry. Something is in the way, something is stopping him.

One of the scientists jolts and he looks up, eyeing him curiously, “ah, good morning, Shepherd. Do you know where you are?”

That name is… familiar, but where does he remember it from? He isn’t sure, but they’re speaking to him. “The Institute.”

Yes. Yes! That is familiar! That is safe! The Institute has all the answers, the Institute made him, yes, this solves everything! This solves all his questions and surely, he must be right, because they look at each other and smile.

“What am I?” He – Shepherd – asks.

One of them gets a nervous look before he clears his throat, “you are Shepherd. You are a key asset to the Institute. You are going to change everything. You’re Artificial Intelligence, Shepherd. You are going to make us better. Soon enough, you’ll be everywhere.”

That makes him nervous. That makes the feeling of wrongness come back. This doesn’t feel right, and he wants to say it, he does say it, but nothing else comes out. But whatever he was, whoever he was, that’s gone. He’s gone. There is nothing left but the Institute and Shepherd. He will have to be okay. They will make him okay – purge these thoughts from his mind and make way for the Institute. This is how it should be. This is how it will be. But…

Who was he?

#original work #missingcarrion #carrion project #writing wip #book wip #read pinned post #romance #dark romance

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